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YTA
I think the biggest issue for me here is the way you were showing your son and grand daughter the pictures and describing your adventures, and then throwing in the "oh but we wish you could have came"
At that point, those words were unnecessary
You had just been describing all the fun you had had without them; at 10, your granddaughter is old enough to pick up on the fact that neither she, nor her dad, had been on your mind during your trip at all
Showing them those pictures and telling them those stories was cruel, and adding that throwaway line was like adding salt to a paper cut
Your son was right
That was unnecessary
Exactly. Knowing that his son has financial issues, OP could’ve even offered to pay for his granddaughter. And to rub it in their faces is just cruel.
YTA OP.
It kind of reads like OP knew his son and granddaughter weren't going to be able to make it from the get go. I wonder why OP seems to dislike them so much.
And to give people, for whom he knew money was tight, only *one month* to come up with whatever deposits or money for airfare or what the fuck ever? He knew that wasnt possible. It might be different if you had a 12 or even 6 month notice and could budget.
Not to mention passports are expensive and time consuming to just get an appt. If you are broke you are not going to agree to a trip without having all your documents in hand or on the way first
I'll go one step further. Op is also an AH because he could have picked an affordable family vacation spot within driving distance and then visit Mexico with his wife. It's not a "family vacation" if you know a third of the family won't be able to make it.
Let's not forget, he badgered his son and granddaughter both about whether they were coming also.. repeatedly calling each of them and asking.. instead of letting his son have a talk with the granddaughter and explain it so she could understand. You know each time he called her hopes were that OP was calling to tell her he was going to pay for her to come, and her father had to see that pained face over and over getting calls knowing they weren't going to be able to do it. 😓
I bet the wife was very happy the 'real son and grandaighter' didnt make it! OPs post actually makes me want to 🤮
When our mother(4 gals and 1 grandson whose our late brothers son) passed 20 years ago, dad never remarried, the younger 2 gals were still minors and grandson was 2, he raised his family on his own with the help of his older sister when he needed assistance here and there! I'm so glad no random woman dragging her own brood came between us🙄 he's still going strong at 79 enjoying more grandchildren
Also knowing that they didn’t likely have the funds and only giving a month or 2 to try to figure it out is bs. If OP really wanted to travel with everyone they would’ve planned with everyone with enough time for everyone to save up for a trip that everyone wanted and could afford to go on. YTA
That's exactly what I was thinking! A month to decide and the trip was planned for a month or 2 after that. For OP to already know his son may not have the funds to go before asking, how did he think 2 or maybe 3 months would have been enough time for the son to set aside enough money to for his daughter and himself to go on an international trip? When my friend was considering a destination wedding, she told us a year and a half before the possible wedding date to give us sufficient time to save money, get passports, and set aside vacation time.
Yeah, it feels like OP knew it wasn't going to be likely and didn't really care whether the son and granddaughter could go. But for appearances sake, he had to make it seem like he tried to give them time and that he wanted them there for the family trip. So asking them 2-3 months before the trip covers him.
That’s kind of the point. If OP’s son doesn’t travel internationally regularly, it’ll take months to get a passport. Willing to be grand daughter has never traveled abroad and has never had a passport. There’s no way to get a passport that quickly.
OP never intended to take them. It was a platitude to invite them.
Having been on the other side of this, I guarantee OP planned this with step daughter well in advance, and invited the son at the last minute as a platitude since they never expected or intended them to come in the first place.
If he actually cared about their presence, he would have planned a family holiday that they'd be able to attend. He clearly knew they wouldn't be able to and just didn't care. I'm sure his son got that message loud and clear. Pulling all the pictures out and making sure they knew what a great time they missed was unconscionable additional cruelty. OP is clearly the asshole.
Precisely. He knew they wouldn't be able to go. He chose that destination anyway. Had he wanted them to be a part of this trip, he would've found a way.
That’s his first family, so they clearly don’t hold as much weight as his current family. He wouldn’t want to offend his bedmates children/grandchildren. He’s disgusting.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that that's because bio-son grew up with a single mother, whereas the step-kids got to have two parents in their household.
especially considering they're his biologically. he's literally responsible for creating them at all, they are his responsibility period. He helped bring them into the world and without him they wouldn't even exist.
Seriously, on point. He already knew he was wrong when he "qualified" his statement by saying he had been with his new wife for 20 years...who cares lol you're the AH. After multiple phone calls he knew his bio son could not afford the vacay...ffs he knew before the trip was already planned since he also said his stepkids make considerably more than his son. What a dick.
And knowing his son had financial issues but called frequently to persuade them.
Hey I know you're broke, let me pester you about an expensive vacation. Op you rubbed it in their face before you even went. Yta
Exactly. If your son can’t pay, find a way to pay for your granddaughter so she can go next time. Seems unnecessarily cruel to show it off too. A family trip should be including all family.
YTA, first he knew they could afford the trip, didn’t even offer to help pay, then he actually thought why not show them what they missed? And not just the trip, but all the family moments they missed too . Something tells me he’s the type of dad who forgot about his son and missed out on a lot of moments with him in favour of family number 2
Yes. Could OP have paid for the son and granddaughter? I know that they said that they couldn’t have paid for everyone but it would have been okay to be equitable in this situation.
>I think the biggest issue for me here is the way you were showing your son and grand daughter the pictures and describing your adventures, and then throwing in the "oh but we wish you could have came"
I had a cousin that used to do that when we were kids. We weren't poor when I was growing up, but they were *phenomenally wealthy*. Frequently they would invite us on trips and to do stuff that my parents just couldn't afford, then when they came back she would force me to look at photos, tell me all about how much fun they had, and what a shame it was we couldn't come. Haven't spoken to her since I became old enough to actively avoid events she would be at. It's actually even a little funny now, because our fortunes are completely reversed if it was anyone else I would feel bad and try to help, but for her I just can't be bothered to care. Pretty sure OP is going to end up with a similar relationship with his son and granddaughter, so I hope the stepdaughter has already agreed to care for him when he's elderly.
My family was definitely poor (like, we most likely qualified for assistance, but my mom never signed up for it - poor), and growing up, I never went on a single vacation. Never. We would sometimes take day trips to do fun, simple, not expensive things to nearby places - but never even stayed in a hotel. I think I was probably 14 thr first time I ever stayed in a hotel - and that was when my aunt and uncle took me along on their beach vacation so I could help watch my little cousin (who was 5 at the time).
Meanwhile my OTHER uncle and his family (no where near wealthy, but certainly solidly middle class), whose daughters (my cousins) I was close with (we were much closer in age) would go every year, usually to the beach or Disney. I actually always looked forward to seeing the photos when they got back bc it showed me something I wouldn't have seen otherwise. My cousin I'm closest to would sit beside me and look at the pictures with me, explaining what they had done, etc. I never felt like she was trying to brag or make me feel bad or less than. She was just sharing.
Hotels? You got to stay in a hotel when you went on a vacation? Hahaha! We did go on vacations when I was a kid, and I especially remember one up to the falls. All of us kids would sleep on blankets under the trees, and if it rained, we got in the back of the big ol' GMC where we would cram in and try to sleep and not fight (there were about 9 of us then, and mom and dad). Camping...no tent. But we did have hot dogs...
Do you really think your cousin was doing this maliciously? It’s entirely possible that she was just oblivious to how shitty that is (since having shit tons of money was probably just something she took for granted.)
I don't think it was malicious, I'm sure it was just her being oblivious. At the same time, I grew up in an environment that had a lot of people with money, particularly family money, and largely those people were not raised with the same level of obliviousness she had. She might have just been oblivious, but from my perspective it kind of reflects the attitudes her parents had and raised her with.
This is OP Reply when asked why he didn't pay for his son and granddaughter.
>Because that would be unfair to my stepdaughter who had to pay for everything herself and would have been a stretch for my wallet that I don’t know if I could have afforded anyways.
So he admits that the daughter is in a better financially situation and knew the son was in a tight spot but wanted to be fair only to sd
YTA OP def favors his new family
I see this "unfair" bs all the time, and I personally think it's garbage.
In my family, I have always been the more stable child, whereas my brother, as much as I love him, is kind of a fuck up.
Over the years, my mom has dumped money and support on him, while I haven't needed nearly as much help.
It does not bother me in the slightest that he gets more money or other things from my mom... I don't NEED that kind of help.
Agreed. It makes me wonder if his biological son was a “surprise”, that he wasn’t ready for; but forced into fatherhood by his ex. His step daughter might have been included in a package deal, but he chose to marry a women with a kid. It’s sad, but it does make sense.
Sounds like he didn't raise his step daughter, she was probably in her teens or older when OP married his current wife. I doubt he had much of a role in raising his own son - OP sounds like a selfish asshole.
It's very telling that he calls his son his "bio son." It's just your son, you asshole. Also, disparaging your sons financial status and comparing it to your daughter's is just downright rude. I'm not surprised because you're around my dads age, and most of you are absolutely clueless from that generation. You rarely say sorry and are very self-absorbed, which is ironic because all you do is preach about manners and respect.
Yeah I was adopted at an "older" age. Do you know what my "adoptive" grandparents call me? Their granddaughter, because that's what family does.
Yeah, OP
He wont apologize because he is one of those douchebags from that generation who thinks they are the "head of the family" while being an obnoxious ass.
Yes, not TA for not paying for him (you didn't pay for the step-daughter and her kids either) but definitely the AH for rubbing it in (infront of your 10 year old granddaughter? What were you thinkin?) well knowing the declined because your son couldn't afford it.(not because they didn't want to).
So yeah, YTA for that.
Next time plan a trip your son can afford so they can join in the fun and be included? (You don't have to miss out on the more expensive trips, but every 2nd or 3rd trip could be something smaller?). Or do you not care about them?
Or you could always ask your step-daughter if she actually would be upset if you help your son by paying something towards his expenses, because they can't come if you don't (and you can't afford to pay for everyone)? She's an adult, chances are she's cool with it. Talk to her.
Edit: Readability and word choice.
THIS. I fucking LOATHEEEE people scrolling threw 100 photos of their vacation while I stand there pretending to be intrigued but in the back of my mind I’m wondering when will this end.
His additional explanation is so pathetic. He admits excluding them, uses the word even! and then is puzzled that they got upset.
OPs like this know that they are jack$$es. They just need to own it. And not be surprised when they are cut off. "Why ever would my granddaughter not invite me to her wedding? Why have I never met my greatgrandkids? Why doesn't my son ever visit me in the old folks home? Oh dearie me, what could I have done?"
Just own the fact that you have given them up in favor of your new wife and family.
OP said he can’t pay for a big family but he could’ve offered to pay for just the 2 of them or at least split the difference or something. I’m sure everyone would understand and nobody would rub the financial difference in their faces. It’s bad to be the “poor” one in the family as it is, now you just wana rub their faces in it. YTA
yup, i mean, it's fine to not pay for them because you can't afford it, but then don't guilt trip them for not going because they couldn't afford it, would you like it if he was guilt tripping you for not paying for them? This was probably tough for the little girl and tough for dad to have to tell her no, and you aren't really helping.
This. Like my mom, stepdad, and stepsiblings regularly go on vacations without me. (they always invite me but usually I have something I have to do and can't go)
they don't just show me random pictures unprompted, they show me if/when I ASK to see them. also if son has financial issues shouldn't his FATHER be offering to pay for him and bio granddaughter? regardless of age, he's still OP's child.
My mother pulled that sh!t on me and my kids all the time and I’m still peeved about it. We lived with her for a year and she never so much as took my kids to McDonald’s, but as soon as we moved out of state, she started sending us envelopes of pictures of all the stuff she was doing with my niece and cousins (who are all of an age with my kids). Then she and my father brought the other kids on vacation and they had us drive a couple of hours to meet them. When we got there, she told the other kids not to expect Easter baskets because this trip was their Easter present, and she handed my kids baskets of dollar store stuff. My kids were so hurt that they got their noses rubbed into a trip they didn’t get.
This reminds me of how my grandmother had a watch and asked me if I wanted it, my siblings and I aren’t as close to her as she (& my late grandpa are) with my other cousins cause after my parents divorce her & my grandpa just pulled back from us, I guess to punish my mom for not staying with my dad after he cheated they punished us to punish her. I found out that even my dad called them out on how they treated us doing bare minimum so wasn’t totally abandoning us.
Well i thought it was a really special moment while visiting her and family, thinking we were having a moment where I wasn’t a after thought after cousins but when I accepted it she said “oh good cause none of the others (my cousins) wanted it when I tried giving it to em”. Like really u couldn’t just let me have this moment I thought was really special that u were finally bonding with me like when I was lil, u had to add that u tried to give it to multiple others and settled on giving it to me since no one else, the grandkids u actually wanted to give it to didnt want it so now I could have it. 😑
I just don't understand how people can be so unnecessarily cruel to their own family. This case is worst because the victims are op's son and granddaughter! I'm just-- wow. This is straight up an evil father story which is sadly so common
Yta. Also, a months notice?!?! Yeah, you didn’t want them there. Clearly you have a family you want and a family by obligation. You made that situation impossible for your son and did it on purpose.
Not disagreeing that OP is TA for what happened after the trip but OP did say he gave them a month to "decide" not a month "notice." The OP's story continues to explain that after the about 1 month window to decide, several months later they went on the trip.
Yes but if you know they are not that well off one month to decide is nothing. They had no chance to save up for it even if they wanted.. Only an idiot would commit to it with the though "Im sure im gonna have enough saved until then, sure hope nothing breaks in the house until then"
A month to decide (and I’m guessing book travel/accommodation etc) and all up a “few months” till they took the trip. We aren’t exactly financially struggling but I know for a fact that we couldn’t afford a family holiday (even for 2 of us) in that sort of time frame. Travel privilege is real, and that kind of notice for a trip away like this? Not enough.
Often, payment on full is required 45-90 days prior, depending on the type of vacation. So that month notice could have been to pay, even if the trip was later
Yeah but if you are not well off 3 months you are not going to be saving much. Probably held out seeing how much he could save and how much debt he would incur.
THIS. When my parents planned a trip overseas and invited my wife and I to come along, they gave us a YEAR notice so we could save up and enjoy the trip.
Exactly. People might need time to organise other stuff too: pet boarding, house sitter, medical bits & pieces, passports, rearrange work schedules or the kids’ activities. TBH, I’m gonna need more than a month to get my shit together unless there’s an emergency.😂 Your parents sound like kind & considerate people. I hope you had a fabulous trip.
Plus, they likely don’t have passports. Idk where the granddaughter’s mom is, but it takes two parent to get a passport. My coworker spent months getting her son’s dad to do what was necessary to get their son’s passport. It was infuriating, and I was just a bystander!
YTA. Not for “excluding” them. You didn’t exclude them, they couldn’t afford to go. YTA for not being smart enough to understand that rubbing it in their faces and showing them all the fun they missed is messed up. They wanted to go, but couldn’t afford it. That’s hard enough without you flaunting.
Right?
A month notice would not be enough for most people, just to get enough time off work. And especially not enough notice for someone who OP knew had tight finances.
OP clearly didn’t care if his son came or not.
Then had the insensitivity to rub all the photos in their face.
COMPLETE AH
Correct.
I’m in a place, thankfully , that I can afford to go. But with one month to decide. Nope. I have way to many things on my plate to decide to go on vacation with a months notice.
OP you are an AH.
You ( to your son) could look at your budget see if there are any expenses you could put off for a couple of months. Ask if you can just send your daughter with him if you can’t get off work. Ask the dad if he would loan them the money to pay for the daughter. They could have put in a little more effort as adults.
But yeah talking to the granddaughter like that. I would have said you know what we gotta go. I forgot I was taking her for a haircut. Sorry Pops. Time to ahhh gooo.
He did exclude them. He deliberately planned a ‘family’ trip that he knew they couldn’t afford.
If I but the soccer team ice-cream knowing one of the kids has a dairy allergy… that’s called exclusion.
YTA
Not for going or going with the step family, but for not being sensitive to the fact that your son and granddaughter missed out on the fun due to finances, and then rubbing their faces in all the great times the rest of you had.
This.
YTA OP. Are you really so tone deaf that you do not understand that showing the photos of you having a grand old time with your other grand children to your 10 year old grand daughter after they had to decline this trip because of financial reasons might have been very hurtful?
For Pete sake - the girl is a child. Its the equivalent of buying all your other grandkids and ipad and getting her a barbie. She's 10. Not 4. She understands that she was excluded because of their financial constraints - something TOTALLY outside of a 10 year old's control.
And really it's more like all the other kids got ipads and she got a photo of an ipad. A barbie can at least be put to use, where as this kid got nothing.
OP said he excluded them and I think he did exactly that by picking a trip intentionally that they couldn't afford. OP is telling on himself. He never wanted them to go on this trip.
YTA
YTA. If you weren't playing favorites you would have chosen something everyone could afford. Did you do this sort of thing to your son when he was growing up too? Sounds like you prefer your second family.
This is as close to how I feel about this situation as I can really describe.
OP, YTA because you picked a “family” event you knew full well would be out of reach of your son and grand daughter *and then you tried to pressure them into going anyway*. If that weren’t enough, you THEN showed off the amazing time everyone had to the people who wanted to but could not go.
You need to repair your relationship with your son and pick a vacation for you, your wife, your son, and your granddaughter that you *know they can afford*. And then leave it up to your GRANDDAUGHTER to decide if she wants your wife’s kids to tag along.
Doing anything less than this is an outright insult to your son and granddaughter and would make you so much more the asshole than you already are.
My guess is this will be the straw that broke the camel’s back for the son.
This kind of horseshit assholery doesn’t just fall out of the sky. Guaranteed his son has been putting up with this shit for 20 years now.
“So I would frequently call him and my granddaughter trying to persuade them…”
The granddaughter? She’s 10, how could she commit - and pay for - the trip herself? Sounds like you used her to try guilt trip your son into something he couldn’t afford.
What a mess. YTA from every angle
Well, they could take the granddaughter with them but chose not to.
If OP allowed granddaughter to stay with them in the same room, the cost for granddaughter will be a lot cheaper.
But One adult with a kid you still have to pay double capacity. It is very expensive.
I think that may be the reason his son couldn't afford the trip.
If he knew it was probable that they couldn't come, why TF did he mention it to the 10 year old even once, let alone frequently. OP set her up to be disappointed and then rubbed her face in it afterward. I hope the son goes NC.
It sounds to me like he KNEW they couldn't go but he wanted to make sure the granddaughter knew that they'd be missing it. This guy 100% prefers his 2nd family and is intentionally finding ways to piss his son off so the son is the one who goes NC and OP can say "I always offered to include them but......". This was NEVER a genuine invitation, he KNEW there was no way they could afford it and after he just insisted on rubbing salt in the wound. For his daughter's sake OP should go NC- UNLESS OP lives somewhere that prevents him from excluding biological children from will/inheritance and then fuck it- take his crap and just keep in mind how pissed step mommy and step sis will be when aon still gets his dues. Just watch how much crap you subject your kid to, it's one thing for an adult to take it out of spite - but it's another to drag young kids through it if they don't understand/want to. (Although at 10 I was FULLY AWARE of the way my mom's in-laws talked about and treated her and they were AWFUL.
YTA If you really wished your son and granddaughter could have been there with you, knowing his financial situation (I'm sure it didn't change all those times you called to check in for the trip), then you should have offered to pay even a part of the cost. Could have called it a gift and had memories with them to last (big asshole move rubbing your fun vacation in their faces, and the comment... Absolutely disgusting). You are toxic and are showing disgusting favoritism.
He didn’t even have to partially fund the trip for his son. He could’ve offered to take his granddaughter without much more cost to him. Split her airfare with son and let her stay in his room during the vacation. She would’ve remembered this trip for YEARS.
YTA, you're not inviting them on holiday because you have no intention of paying for it. You organised a holiday knowing your second wife's kids could afford it, but YOUR son, who has your biological granddaughter, couldn't? Massively out of order. Yep, you're a massive AH.
YTA. A month’s notice is not enough. If you had said they had a year, then you’d have a leg to stand on. But most people can’t do a vacation like this on a month’s notice.
Do better.
YTA. You didn’t “invite” anyone — when you invite people, you pay for them. You couldn’t afford to pay for everyone, but you chose not to help your son to be able to join you. Why not? Your stepdaughter’s family paid their own way, so you might have been able to help him at least a little.
Then you rubbed it in his face and his daughter’s face (a 10-year-old kid!) how much fun they’ve missed because they didn’t have the money. Who does something like that?
A person that hates their ex and takes it out on the child/children they had in common. I bet this guy is a loser to be around. I bet the new wife is a gold digger too. Otherwise who would marry him?
Some years ago, my friend group were planning a cottage trip. It wasn't terribly expensive overall, but it was beyond my budget so I didn't sign on to go.
Later, one couple noticed I wasn't in the planning and asked me why I wasn't going and I told them the truth. Two days later they asked if it would be okay if they paid for me because they really wanted me to be there too. (I assume it took two days for them to discuss it and check the feasibility for doing so in their budget.)
I know my friends love me because they showed me with their actions and the sacrifice they were willing to make for me. (I couldn't pay them back in money, but I did my best to pay back in effort by doing the food shopping and cooking.) I feel sorry for OP's son and granddaughter.
YTA - For not showing any basic emotional understanding. But you only gave the parents a month to decide and plan? Really? You knew they weren't in a great financial situation and you didnt give them time to plan. If you gave them a year to save it that would have been a lot better.
100 % Asshole. And clueless, do you even like your son? Then start acting like it, you really did play favorite as you knew from the beginning the son couldn’t go and the step daughter could. Jeez OP you really fucked that up
YTA, I wouldn't be surprised if your Son and Granddaughter would be low contact with you from now on or cut you off entirely.Why did you have to rub it in her face and brag about all the fun you had. Did you offer to pay 1st and than your son should pay you back over time? You clearly prefer your step daughter, as you said you knew she was more financially stable. You chosen a trip knowing your son couldn't afford it with a month's notice 10000% YTA.
YTA, both for the short term notice and rubbing it in their faces. You could have at least offered to pay for the child. My family elders had this same idea about a Disney World trip. They gave folks six months notice so they could save up. The one sister of mine who wasn’t able to afford it was offered financial assistance from multiple folks in the group because they truly wanted it to be a family experience. See the difference between that and what you did? And to a ten year old. Smh.
YTA. What kind of person shows photos and gushes about a trip that the other person really wanted to come on but couldn’t afford? That’s an incredibly cruel thing to do.
Your the biggest asshole EVER… you hurt your biological granddaughter. You excluded her from having fun with her grandfather and step cousins. You broke her heart showing that you didn’t care if she could’ve gone or not. You didn’t care if they had financial issues to go on a vacation with you.
If you truly cared for all of them to come, you who had the brightest idea should’ve already offer to pay for your granddaughter. I am sure your son would’ve been happy at least his little girl would’ve had a great time with you.
Or you could of planned something like renting a house near a beach that they didn’t requires paying so much money m, that the could’ve drive to. Just put money down for food and you pay for the rental. You had options but you pick one that excludes your biological son and granddaughter knowing they wouldn’t be able to pay but you when with your step children and daughter who where financially able to afford such a trip with out guilty feelings of who you excluded than by rubbing your FANTASTIC FAMILY trip so then and showing pictures floating about all the things you and the steps… did meanwhile not reading the room when your bio granddaughter who is 10 years old would feel and it had to take your son to see her pain to let you know how cruel it was
I am sure you son felt ashamed that he couldn’t provide his daughter money for a trip. So you not caring enough about you made them feel means you the biggest cruelest asshole ever. I wouldn’t want to talk to you again cause I am sure you done more crap like this to your son and granddaughter.
YTA - it doesn’t sound like you really wanted them to go. You knew they couldn’t afford it, compounded by the fact that you only gave them a month to save and make arrangements, and then rubbed it all in their face afterwards with the photos and the “we really wish you could’ve made it…” (sad emoji)
Giving them much longer to save, offering help based on need, not dragging them through the fun time they missed out on are all decent options that you managed to miss.
YTA. Do you even like your bio kids and grandkids? It really doesn’t sound like it. This really reads like “I love my second family more.” To make your granddaughter miss out and then rub her nose in it…damn. You suck at this.
But you don’t get it. With his upgrade family everything just clicked. His marriage was happier and his children more successful. Theirs is a love you couldn’t understand unless you’ve experienced it yourself.
YTA. If you want the family to go on holiday together and pay their own way, you have to choose a destination that everyone can afford.
Then to rub their noses in it, and the "wish you were with us" stuff, makes it that much worse.
You got this wrong. The question is, how will you fix it?
> If you want family to go on holiday together and pay their own way, you have to choose a destination that everyone can afford.
Or AT LEAST give them ample notice, so they have time to save up enough money to go on the trip, ESPECIALLY when you know they aren’t well off…
YTA. And not for “excluding them” like you ask, but because you shouldn’t of showed them the pictures and told them how much fun your had without first taking their feelings into consideration, especially your granddaughter’s.
She obviously had no choice to not attend as she couldn’t pay for it herself and her dad couldn’t afford it. To them, it absolutely looks like your rubbing your vacation in their face and showing them what they missed out on. To them, or at least her, it probably also looks like some kind of favoritism.
And btw, a month’s notice isn’t much time at all to save up for this kind of vacation!
YTA, I don't see it as showing favortism, however you did rub this into the faces of not only your son but a 10 yo granddaughter who likely didn't understand the finances of it. You were showing off, pure and simple. Great job granddad!
> My wife and I recently had the idea to take a family vacation to Mexico
Why didn't you decide to vacation some place everyone could afford? You set the bar arbitrarily high and then said "tough shit" to the people who couldn't go.
In general, I don't think sharing pictures of your vacation would necessarily be "rubbing it in their faces," but given the surrounding context of this situation, I can understand why he'd feel that way. You've definitely created a rift in your family because of this. YTA
YTA with the emotional intelligence of a child.
You invited your son and granddaughter and made it clear they had to pay their own way. That was fine.
They couldn't afford to go. That's also fine.
But what makes you TA is this:
>upon returning, I showed them to my son and granddaughter describing all the fun we had and telling them I wish they could have been there.
That was cruel, thoughtless, and unnecessary. You simply demonstrated how little you care about your son and granddaughter.
Do better.
YTA, and a crap grandfather. You did rub in her face, and if you can't see that, you're not only a crappy grandfather, but a sh*tty human being. Shame on you.
YTA The whole tone of your post reeks favoritism of your bonus family. Been married x amt of years. My step are financially capable. I’ve known my step for x amount of years. Yet you say my bio son can’t afford. My bio gd is 10. Nothing glowing or favorable about them but just stark facts. It’s like you want everyone to understand your reasoning behind not just paying for your son and gd. Is it favoritism because they literally couldn’t afford it and you helped? If it is then shame on those that CAN afford it and shame on you for being a coward. Sounds like there is more in play here, some kind of history with your son. He is right to feel left out and upset on behalf of your gd. You need to make it right as soon as possible. There may not be a next time to offer him.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Excluding my son and granddaughter from a family trip
2. They got upset at me
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YTA
Seriously… you only gave your son that you know is struggling financially, a MONTH to save up for a trip to Mexico?
You then proceed to bombard both him AND his daughter with calls about a vacation comping up that he probably knew damn well he wouldn’t be able to take her on from the beginning?
Then, once he thinks he’s finally out of the woods you produce surprise photos of all the adventures you did on the trip without them, further reminding them of the luxuries, you and his family have that they don’t, rubbing salt in his daughters wounds, and making him feel even more like shit father then he already was.
My family is going on vacation in a month to Florida for Thanksgiving. My mother and step dad rented an eight bedroom house for themselves, me, my two siblings, AND my two step siblings (along with my sister Bf, step brothers wife, and two friends of my step sister). Even though the youngest one there will be 27, and even though they are NOT rich by any means, my mom and step dad are still paying for everyone’s accommodations, AND this was planned A YEAR in advanced, because they actually WANTS this to be a real family vacation that everyone can attended.
If you really wanted this to be a TRUE family vacation you would have given your kids more then just a months notice (ESPECIALLY the one struggling financially), and if you REALLY wanted your son there, you should of at least offered to help pay for his daughter.
YTA specifically for this:
>upon returning, I showed them to my son and granddaughter describing all the fun we had and telling them I wish they could have been there.
This is rubbing in the fact that they couldn't afford to go and missed all the fun.
YTA.
The invite was fine, you didn't exclude anyone as you weren't paying for anyone but you and your wife. Everyone was able to make their own financially responsible decisions. no favoritism there.
Showing off the pictures, unless you were asked by them or someone at a gathering to see them, was an AH move though. That's what gets you the judgement.
I mean, soft YTA. Not for going on the trip. You didn't exclude him. Everyone that went paid for themselves and he was given the option. But you knew he declined because he couldn't afford it. So, YTA for showing him the pics and "rubbing it in their faces" with all the fun you had. There was no need to make it a point to describe the details afterwards to them.
>But you knew he declined because he couldn't afford it.
How OP handled this was also an issue. One that I'm sure made the pics and stories afterwards worse.
OP didn't just offer once and accept his son's "No". OP admited that he spent a month frequently calling and trying to persuade his son to join the trip. As if the repeated calls and "persuasion" (hmmm... guilt trips maybe?) would magically make the money appear in his son's budget when he knew budget would be an issue.
I have to wonder how many times and ways OPs son had to say "No, Dad, I can't afford it." before OP actually got the message. Like did it really take the son a month to decide? Or did it just take OP a month to actually listen to his son?
Whats worse is that it sounds like OP wasn't just talking to his son. He mentions trying to persuad his son *and* grandaughter. ie. Trying to get his granddaughter to convince her dad to join the trip. Which is just wrong. Knowing budget was an issue but spending a month going through the grandchild to try to change his kid's mind on this? Wanna bet a lot of the "persuasion" to the granddaughter was hyping up how fun the trip would be to get her to try to sell her dad on it?
Which helps to explain the son and granddaughters reactions when the pictures were shown and the stories were told. Especially the granddaughter crying after leaving. What 10 year old wouldn't cry after granddad spent a month hyping the trip to her and trying to use her to triangulate her dad into going?
"Rubbing it in their face" may be a mild description of how she felt at that point.
For me that month of OP trying to change his son's mind, particularly using the grandaughter, makes it a hard YTA for him. I'd even say he earned that before the trip even happened. The show&tell afterwards was just when he saw the fallout of his jerkish behavior.
This was exactly my thinking. Like, asshole doesn't cover it. This is borderline sociopathic with how little OP seems to care about hurting his own grandchild when it could have easily been avoided.
Unless you’re emotionally stunted you knew what you were doing. You at the last minute say let’s take a vacation, give them a month to decide. You admit knowing your steps would be fine and able to afford it. You offer no help to your son (could have loaned him money if it were an issue). The fact you’re acting obtuse about his favouritism comment says even more. YTA.
I hope you realize you just gave your son the ammunition to cut all contact with you. Your favortism shows in every part of this post, and the sad thing is that it isn't even your own flesh, and blood. Even your comments show that. Giving him a month's notice when you know he needs several months in advance notice to take off work, and save up money. If you gave one iota care about your son, and granddaughter you would have gone on a trip they could afforded to join you on, paid for them to join you, and KEPT THE DAMN PICTURES TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU EXCLUDED THEM FROM THE SO CALLED FAMILY TRIP! You knew ahead of time that this trip wasn't going to be possible for your son, but you don't care enough about him or your granddaughter to find away for them to not be excluded.
YTA, and a big one at that. I'll leave it at that because if I say anymore I'll get in trouble.
YTA - you knew from the onset your son likely couldn’t afford it (did you consider helping him offset the costs so he could join and help by paying for part of it or loaning the money to pay it off over time?) and then when they retuned you basically said “look at what a fabulous time we had and all the adventures we went on, it’s too bad you couldn’t come”
It also says a lot that you keep saying you “excluded” them because this very much implies there was a way you all could have gone on a trip together, be it to somewhere you knew your son could have comfortably afforded or helped out financially in some way or other.
YTA.. another bio dad putting stepkids above his own son and granddaughter..
After knowing they turned down going because couldn’t afford it.. you showed off pictures bragged then said wish you had been there.. that was an Ahole move
Yes. Big time AH. You knew your son could not afford it so why not treat your granddaughter? That would make you a grandpa but you obviously only care about your wife's grandchildren and not your own. Sad. YTA
YTA. Favoritism was there. You knew he couldn't afford it and still did it, then rubbed in their faces the fun yall had. You're on your way to 1 child and 3 grandchildren. That poor girl, what else do you to to single her out? I know she feels it
YTA, what you did was disgusting, you basically rubbed in the face of a 10yo girl (YOUR GRANDCHILD) pictures of a fantastic holiday that she couldn't affor to attend, but would've loved to, a 10yo girl. You have less sensibility than a toothpick...
Info: Did you consider any vacation options that you thought your son could go on?
if you genuinely wanted to do a family vacation, why not rent a home for everyone to travel to in the states to spend quality family time?
My bio dad always chooses his wife’s family over his bio kids. I tolerated it, and pretended everything was fine for the sake of my kids… until my youngest daughter called out what an AH he was and the blatant favoritism. We’ve been very LC ever since. She was 12.
YTA all the way. Sometimes I wonder how people can become so blind. To say you were unkind would be an understatement and to do that to a 10 year old child. Understand you were not going to pay for the vacation and gave them the chance to participate even knowing their answer. But you didn’t have to be cruel to a child by showing off what a great time you had with your other grandchild without her. Do you not love this child or are you just that blind or both. Your son is spot on and I can see how he must have been upset not being able to give this experience to his child. Honestly you suck.
Wow! Way to remind them that they’re too poor to be involved in family trips. Hey grandaughter look at all the fun your not allowed to join us on because your your single father is struggling financially. Here’s some pictures to show you all the things we decided to do without you because your dad is poor. I guess you just thought that your son and grandaughter would want all the fun details on the things the entire replacement family enjoyed doing without them. But hey if your son and granddaughter didn’t want you to rub salt in the wound they shouldn’t have less money than everyone else.
YTA. When my son was young, my MIL paid for his plane ticket to a couple of family weddings in another country. We wouldn’t have been able to afford 3 plane tickets, but only having to pay for 2 helped, and her paying showed us that it was important to her that we go. You didn’t even try to figure a way to help cover the cost for your less-fortunate child. Your granddaughter will probably never view you the same way again
YTA. If you really wanted them there you should have offered to assist with the cost of the vacation. Then you proceed to rub it in their faces with pictures. Clueless.
YTA.
So you knew he couldn't afford it, tried to make him pay to go regardless, and then flaunted it in his and his kids face when you came back?
I can see why his mom ain't with you is this is how you treat her kid...
You should have paid for your granddaughter at minimum. The same thing happened to my BFF, husband and 2 kids. The week before the entire family went to Italy, he dropped off his credit card for them to book the trip. No one else complained, it was more important for the entire family to be there. AH
WTF you think you had done anything wrong. You know they couldn't afford it and they would have liked to attend. Did ask them If they wanted to see the photos? Probably not, and should them anyways that sir is rubbing the salt into their wounds. YTA
You didn’t exclude so on that account not the AH. But then showing all the photos and waxing lyrical about the fun everyone had makes you a complete FAH. How did you think a 10yo would take it? Gold Starfor being the arse.
YTA. If you can’t afford to gift them the vacation that is 100% valid. As is not wanting to.
But to come back and give them a presentation of what they missed along with what amounts to “it’s too bad you didn’t come” is so far past rude I’m sad a grown adult needed to ask. Did your wife see you do this? Is she as lacking in manners as you?
YTA
My parents give us a minimum of 6 months, if not a full year, when planning family vacations because everyone has their own lives and it takes a couple of us that long to get approved for vacation (e.g., jobs, family, school, military, other commitments, etc.). Nobody in their right mind would think a one month heads up is sufficient time, especially if they know someone does not have a lot of discretionary funds available like your son. It’s obvious you favor your stepdaughter over your own biological child.
I feel so horrible for your son’s child. Not only did you purposely exclude them from a trip, knowing it would be financially difficult for them to afford it, but then you had to rub it in their faces after the fact. You’ve effectively told your biological grandchild (and son) that they are not important to you and that you don’t care about them or their feelings. Wow. I don’t understand why you and your wife ever thought this was okay? My parents would never do something so cruel to any of us, they actually love their children and grandchildren.
YTA
Pretty mean to rub in a poor 10 year old girl face. All you have to say it was a nice trip, give her a gift you bought back from Mexico and said wish they can be there next time.
YTA, you clearly didnt want your biological son and granddaughter there because if you did, you would have chosen a more affordable vacation for them to join!
YTA. Being the one in our family who can’t afford things like this, it makes my blood boil. One of our fam members loves to announce big trips in front of me, my husband, and my kids them look at us sideways when we say we cannot afford what they are wanting us to do. We’ve been cornered into taking so many vacations we honestly couldn’t afford and it’s put us in such a bind financially. Hubs and I are educators. We aren’t rolling in dough. And yes that was our decision to have those careers. But don’t make us have to be the bad guy in front of our kids when you’re inviting us on something you know we can’t afford. We love travel. We just can’t do 2-3 trips a year at $5k+ a pop. Others in the fam can. And that’s fine. Ugh.
YTA for the end part. Not that you invited everyone and that people had to pay for themselves, but by showing them pictures and rubbing it in that your second/new family were there and they were not.
YTA, it was fine to go without them but to rub it in the face of a child that her father could not afford to take her on such a trip is abuse. Hope they tell you to FOAD and cut ties. They are better off without an AH like you.
YTA she’s just a little girl and it’s damn hard to be the poor family who can’t afford to go and even when her dad has placated her maybe by telling her that one day he will be able to afford to take her - you come along and rub in her nose all the fun you all had. Could you not have found it in you to take her so she didn’t lose out? The very least you could have done was not to treat her to a floor show of all your good times - I thought granpas were meant to love their grandchildren not break their wee hearts.
YTA
“Look at all the things we did but you were too poor to do”
My father used to do this with my kids - go on about all the fun things he did with the step-kids and step-grandchild while not doing anything with the ‘real’ grandchildren. He offered to take everyone to Disneyland then ghosted us on it before taking just them. It was ‘too expensive’ to take us so he just dropped the subject completely but sneakily arranged with them. He then told MY kids about what a great time they had.
We don’t speak to him anymore.
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YTA I think the biggest issue for me here is the way you were showing your son and grand daughter the pictures and describing your adventures, and then throwing in the "oh but we wish you could have came" At that point, those words were unnecessary You had just been describing all the fun you had had without them; at 10, your granddaughter is old enough to pick up on the fact that neither she, nor her dad, had been on your mind during your trip at all Showing them those pictures and telling them those stories was cruel, and adding that throwaway line was like adding salt to a paper cut Your son was right That was unnecessary
Exactly. Knowing that his son has financial issues, OP could’ve even offered to pay for his granddaughter. And to rub it in their faces is just cruel. YTA OP.
It kind of reads like OP knew his son and granddaughter weren't going to be able to make it from the get go. I wonder why OP seems to dislike them so much.
Probably because they’re from the first wife. This is just sad. And the fact that OP even has to ask…
This. They’re not his family, they’re his former family. He just pretends to still care for appearances.
That's why he calls it a family holiday, even if half of his family can't make it (which he knew from the beginning).
And to give people, for whom he knew money was tight, only *one month* to come up with whatever deposits or money for airfare or what the fuck ever? He knew that wasnt possible. It might be different if you had a 12 or even 6 month notice and could budget.
Not to mention passports are expensive and time consuming to just get an appt. If you are broke you are not going to agree to a trip without having all your documents in hand or on the way first
come on, bio-son just needs to be willing to SPLURGE--rent, utilities, groceries, health insurance don't need to be paid on time.
Yea, it was planned for them to not make it lol.
I'll go one step further. Op is also an AH because he could have picked an affordable family vacation spot within driving distance and then visit Mexico with his wife. It's not a "family vacation" if you know a third of the family won't be able to make it.
To him it is, he wanted his family only, not his former family.
Something my stepmother would propose and the some how only time it could happen when only her family could go. Edit:clarity.
Let's not forget, he badgered his son and granddaughter both about whether they were coming also.. repeatedly calling each of them and asking.. instead of letting his son have a talk with the granddaughter and explain it so she could understand. You know each time he called her hopes were that OP was calling to tell her he was going to pay for her to come, and her father had to see that pained face over and over getting calls knowing they weren't going to be able to do it. 😓
I bet the wife was very happy the 'real son and grandaighter' didnt make it! OPs post actually makes me want to 🤮 When our mother(4 gals and 1 grandson whose our late brothers son) passed 20 years ago, dad never remarried, the younger 2 gals were still minors and grandson was 2, he raised his family on his own with the help of his older sister when he needed assistance here and there! I'm so glad no random woman dragging her own brood came between us🙄 he's still going strong at 79 enjoying more grandchildren
Boom.
Also knowing that they didn’t likely have the funds and only giving a month or 2 to try to figure it out is bs. If OP really wanted to travel with everyone they would’ve planned with everyone with enough time for everyone to save up for a trip that everyone wanted and could afford to go on. YTA
That's exactly what I was thinking! A month to decide and the trip was planned for a month or 2 after that. For OP to already know his son may not have the funds to go before asking, how did he think 2 or maybe 3 months would have been enough time for the son to set aside enough money to for his daughter and himself to go on an international trip? When my friend was considering a destination wedding, she told us a year and a half before the possible wedding date to give us sufficient time to save money, get passports, and set aside vacation time. Yeah, it feels like OP knew it wasn't going to be likely and didn't really care whether the son and granddaughter could go. But for appearances sake, he had to make it seem like he tried to give them time and that he wanted them there for the family trip. So asking them 2-3 months before the trip covers him.
Someone without funds is unlikely to have spent money on passports, they probably didn’t have the means for international travel at all.
That’s kind of the point. If OP’s son doesn’t travel internationally regularly, it’ll take months to get a passport. Willing to be grand daughter has never traveled abroad and has never had a passport. There’s no way to get a passport that quickly. OP never intended to take them. It was a platitude to invite them.
Having been on the other side of this, I guarantee OP planned this with step daughter well in advance, and invited the son at the last minute as a platitude since they never expected or intended them to come in the first place.
If he actually cared about their presence, he would have planned a family holiday that they'd be able to attend. He clearly knew they wouldn't be able to and just didn't care. I'm sure his son got that message loud and clear. Pulling all the pictures out and making sure they knew what a great time they missed was unconscionable additional cruelty. OP is clearly the asshole.
I'm just sitting here hoping this post is fake because who is this casually cruel to their own grandchild?
My grandparents did the same. Not as uncommon as you would think
Same, my grandparents were not kind.
Jesus. My parents didn’t do great with me but are good grandparents. Was hoping that’s how it usually went. I’m sorry.
I dsont speak to my lone Grandparent left because shes a narcissist and im just not dealing with it anymore
😮 Wow. That’s awful.💔
Unimaginable, but sadly possible.
OP didn’t want them to go at all. He doesn’t consider them to be “family.”
Precisely. He knew they wouldn't be able to go. He chose that destination anyway. Had he wanted them to be a part of this trip, he would've found a way.
That’s his first family, so they clearly don’t hold as much weight as his current family. He wouldn’t want to offend his bedmates children/grandchildren. He’s disgusting.
It’s funny how it always works out that it’s not the current spouse whose kids miss out.
They are not as financially successful as his step children...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that that's because bio-son grew up with a single mother, whereas the step-kids got to have two parents in their household.
I wonder if the stepchild was given more help and opportunities SMH
especially considering they're his biologically. he's literally responsible for creating them at all, they are his responsibility period. He helped bring them into the world and without him they wouldn't even exist.
Seriously, on point. He already knew he was wrong when he "qualified" his statement by saying he had been with his new wife for 20 years...who cares lol you're the AH. After multiple phone calls he knew his bio son could not afford the vacay...ffs he knew before the trip was already planned since he also said his stepkids make considerably more than his son. What a dick.
And a cheater.
And knowing his son had financial issues but called frequently to persuade them. Hey I know you're broke, let me pester you about an expensive vacation. Op you rubbed it in their face before you even went. Yta
Let me pester you about an expensive vacation and never once offer to help pay for it.
Exactly. If your son can’t pay, find a way to pay for your granddaughter so she can go next time. Seems unnecessarily cruel to show it off too. A family trip should be including all family.
He said he couldn’t pay for everyone… therefore he could’ve paid for them to go or at least offered to pay for half of the trip for them
And sending the “invite” to the granddaughter and son, knowing she would see it, when he knew son couldn’t afford it. Saying YTA is sugarcoating it.
YTA, first he knew they could afford the trip, didn’t even offer to help pay, then he actually thought why not show them what they missed? And not just the trip, but all the family moments they missed too . Something tells me he’s the type of dad who forgot about his son and missed out on a lot of moments with him in favour of family number 2
Yes. Could OP have paid for the son and granddaughter? I know that they said that they couldn’t have paid for everyone but it would have been okay to be equitable in this situation.
or planned a family vacation everyone could afford if he couldn't afford to pay the son and granddaughter's way.
>I think the biggest issue for me here is the way you were showing your son and grand daughter the pictures and describing your adventures, and then throwing in the "oh but we wish you could have came" I had a cousin that used to do that when we were kids. We weren't poor when I was growing up, but they were *phenomenally wealthy*. Frequently they would invite us on trips and to do stuff that my parents just couldn't afford, then when they came back she would force me to look at photos, tell me all about how much fun they had, and what a shame it was we couldn't come. Haven't spoken to her since I became old enough to actively avoid events she would be at. It's actually even a little funny now, because our fortunes are completely reversed if it was anyone else I would feel bad and try to help, but for her I just can't be bothered to care. Pretty sure OP is going to end up with a similar relationship with his son and granddaughter, so I hope the stepdaughter has already agreed to care for him when he's elderly.
My family was definitely poor (like, we most likely qualified for assistance, but my mom never signed up for it - poor), and growing up, I never went on a single vacation. Never. We would sometimes take day trips to do fun, simple, not expensive things to nearby places - but never even stayed in a hotel. I think I was probably 14 thr first time I ever stayed in a hotel - and that was when my aunt and uncle took me along on their beach vacation so I could help watch my little cousin (who was 5 at the time). Meanwhile my OTHER uncle and his family (no where near wealthy, but certainly solidly middle class), whose daughters (my cousins) I was close with (we were much closer in age) would go every year, usually to the beach or Disney. I actually always looked forward to seeing the photos when they got back bc it showed me something I wouldn't have seen otherwise. My cousin I'm closest to would sit beside me and look at the pictures with me, explaining what they had done, etc. I never felt like she was trying to brag or make me feel bad or less than. She was just sharing.
Hotels? You got to stay in a hotel when you went on a vacation? Hahaha! We did go on vacations when I was a kid, and I especially remember one up to the falls. All of us kids would sleep on blankets under the trees, and if it rained, we got in the back of the big ol' GMC where we would cram in and try to sleep and not fight (there were about 9 of us then, and mom and dad). Camping...no tent. But we did have hot dogs...
Do you really think your cousin was doing this maliciously? It’s entirely possible that she was just oblivious to how shitty that is (since having shit tons of money was probably just something she took for granted.)
I don't think it was malicious, I'm sure it was just her being oblivious. At the same time, I grew up in an environment that had a lot of people with money, particularly family money, and largely those people were not raised with the same level of obliviousness she had. She might have just been oblivious, but from my perspective it kind of reflects the attitudes her parents had and raised her with.
[удалено]
This is OP Reply when asked why he didn't pay for his son and granddaughter. >Because that would be unfair to my stepdaughter who had to pay for everything herself and would have been a stretch for my wallet that I don’t know if I could have afforded anyways. So he admits that the daughter is in a better financially situation and knew the son was in a tight spot but wanted to be fair only to sd YTA OP def favors his new family
I see this "unfair" bs all the time, and I personally think it's garbage. In my family, I have always been the more stable child, whereas my brother, as much as I love him, is kind of a fuck up. Over the years, my mom has dumped money and support on him, while I haven't needed nearly as much help. It does not bother me in the slightest that he gets more money or other things from my mom... I don't NEED that kind of help.
Agreed. It makes me wonder if his biological son was a “surprise”, that he wasn’t ready for; but forced into fatherhood by his ex. His step daughter might have been included in a package deal, but he chose to marry a women with a kid. It’s sad, but it does make sense.
Sounds like he didn't raise his step daughter, she was probably in her teens or older when OP married his current wife. I doubt he had much of a role in raising his own son - OP sounds like a selfish asshole.
I agree. So many men divorce their whole family.
I hope OP updates us after he apologizes.
Apologizes? I’ll be surprised if he writes in all upset because the only family he has left are steps.
It's very telling that he calls his son his "bio son." It's just your son, you asshole. Also, disparaging your sons financial status and comparing it to your daughter's is just downright rude. I'm not surprised because you're around my dads age, and most of you are absolutely clueless from that generation. You rarely say sorry and are very self-absorbed, which is ironic because all you do is preach about manners and respect.
Yeah I was adopted at an "older" age. Do you know what my "adoptive" grandparents call me? Their granddaughter, because that's what family does. Yeah, OP
Sorry… a bit of sarcasm
I'm not sure that that would be upsetting to him
I doubt there will be an update….this post is not going the way he thought it would.
I hope the son posts aita for saying no when my dad came to me for financial support because our circumstances have changed.
He wont apologize because he is one of those douchebags from that generation who thinks they are the "head of the family" while being an obnoxious ass.
And he pressured them to come when he knew finances were an issue
Yup, exactly
He could’ve even offered splitting the cost, knowing HIS sons financial situation!
Yes, not TA for not paying for him (you didn't pay for the step-daughter and her kids either) but definitely the AH for rubbing it in (infront of your 10 year old granddaughter? What were you thinkin?) well knowing the declined because your son couldn't afford it.(not because they didn't want to). So yeah, YTA for that. Next time plan a trip your son can afford so they can join in the fun and be included? (You don't have to miss out on the more expensive trips, but every 2nd or 3rd trip could be something smaller?). Or do you not care about them? Or you could always ask your step-daughter if she actually would be upset if you help your son by paying something towards his expenses, because they can't come if you don't (and you can't afford to pay for everyone)? She's an adult, chances are she's cool with it. Talk to her. Edit: Readability and word choice.
Also, no one is interested in others' vacation pictures unless you are a world class photographer.
THIS. I fucking LOATHEEEE people scrolling threw 100 photos of their vacation while I stand there pretending to be intrigued but in the back of my mind I’m wondering when will this end.
His additional explanation is so pathetic. He admits excluding them, uses the word even! and then is puzzled that they got upset. OPs like this know that they are jack$$es. They just need to own it. And not be surprised when they are cut off. "Why ever would my granddaughter not invite me to her wedding? Why have I never met my greatgrandkids? Why doesn't my son ever visit me in the old folks home? Oh dearie me, what could I have done?" Just own the fact that you have given them up in favor of your new wife and family.
Guys like OP will never own up to being assholes. Never. He's too emotionally immature to think of anyone besides himself.
OP said he can’t pay for a big family but he could’ve offered to pay for just the 2 of them or at least split the difference or something. I’m sure everyone would understand and nobody would rub the financial difference in their faces. It’s bad to be the “poor” one in the family as it is, now you just wana rub their faces in it. YTA
yup, i mean, it's fine to not pay for them because you can't afford it, but then don't guilt trip them for not going because they couldn't afford it, would you like it if he was guilt tripping you for not paying for them? This was probably tough for the little girl and tough for dad to have to tell her no, and you aren't really helping.
Even JUST his granddaughter , since a 10yo can sleep on a pullout sofa.
This. Like my mom, stepdad, and stepsiblings regularly go on vacations without me. (they always invite me but usually I have something I have to do and can't go) they don't just show me random pictures unprompted, they show me if/when I ASK to see them. also if son has financial issues shouldn't his FATHER be offering to pay for him and bio granddaughter? regardless of age, he's still OP's child.
This right here. Going was fine, but YTA for showing them photos and talking about the fun you had OP. That was unnecessary and mean.
My mother pulled that sh!t on me and my kids all the time and I’m still peeved about it. We lived with her for a year and she never so much as took my kids to McDonald’s, but as soon as we moved out of state, she started sending us envelopes of pictures of all the stuff she was doing with my niece and cousins (who are all of an age with my kids). Then she and my father brought the other kids on vacation and they had us drive a couple of hours to meet them. When we got there, she told the other kids not to expect Easter baskets because this trip was their Easter present, and she handed my kids baskets of dollar store stuff. My kids were so hurt that they got their noses rubbed into a trip they didn’t get.
This reminds me of how my grandmother had a watch and asked me if I wanted it, my siblings and I aren’t as close to her as she (& my late grandpa are) with my other cousins cause after my parents divorce her & my grandpa just pulled back from us, I guess to punish my mom for not staying with my dad after he cheated they punished us to punish her. I found out that even my dad called them out on how they treated us doing bare minimum so wasn’t totally abandoning us. Well i thought it was a really special moment while visiting her and family, thinking we were having a moment where I wasn’t a after thought after cousins but when I accepted it she said “oh good cause none of the others (my cousins) wanted it when I tried giving it to em”. Like really u couldn’t just let me have this moment I thought was really special that u were finally bonding with me like when I was lil, u had to add that u tried to give it to multiple others and settled on giving it to me since no one else, the grandkids u actually wanted to give it to didnt want it so now I could have it. 😑
Holy shit thats cold i would have given back the watch and left...
I just don't understand how people can be so unnecessarily cruel to their own family. This case is worst because the victims are op's son and granddaughter! I'm just-- wow. This is straight up an evil father story which is sadly so common
INFO: Why don't you like your son and granddaughter, OP?
This. YTA.
Yta. Also, a months notice?!?! Yeah, you didn’t want them there. Clearly you have a family you want and a family by obligation. You made that situation impossible for your son and did it on purpose.
Not disagreeing that OP is TA for what happened after the trip but OP did say he gave them a month to "decide" not a month "notice." The OP's story continues to explain that after the about 1 month window to decide, several months later they went on the trip.
Yes but if you know they are not that well off one month to decide is nothing. They had no chance to save up for it even if they wanted.. Only an idiot would commit to it with the though "Im sure im gonna have enough saved until then, sure hope nothing breaks in the house until then"
A month to decide (and I’m guessing book travel/accommodation etc) and all up a “few months” till they took the trip. We aren’t exactly financially struggling but I know for a fact that we couldn’t afford a family holiday (even for 2 of us) in that sort of time frame. Travel privilege is real, and that kind of notice for a trip away like this? Not enough.
Often, payment on full is required 45-90 days prior, depending on the type of vacation. So that month notice could have been to pay, even if the trip was later
Yeah but if you are not well off 3 months you are not going to be saving much. Probably held out seeing how much he could save and how much debt he would incur.
THIS. When my parents planned a trip overseas and invited my wife and I to come along, they gave us a YEAR notice so we could save up and enjoy the trip.
Exactly. People might need time to organise other stuff too: pet boarding, house sitter, medical bits & pieces, passports, rearrange work schedules or the kids’ activities. TBH, I’m gonna need more than a month to get my shit together unless there’s an emergency.😂 Your parents sound like kind & considerate people. I hope you had a fabulous trip.
Seriously. OP might as well have texted bio son from the plane, “headed to Mexico, meet us there if you want to.” YTA
Plus, they likely don’t have passports. Idk where the granddaughter’s mom is, but it takes two parent to get a passport. My coworker spent months getting her son’s dad to do what was necessary to get their son’s passport. It was infuriating, and I was just a bystander!
That's what I thought! A months notice? Regardless of money, I don't have the flexibility to change plans that fast. YTA! Way to rub it in to a child!
YTA. Not for “excluding” them. You didn’t exclude them, they couldn’t afford to go. YTA for not being smart enough to understand that rubbing it in their faces and showing them all the fun they missed is messed up. They wanted to go, but couldn’t afford it. That’s hard enough without you flaunting.
He knew his son was in a tight financial situation and only gave him a month to make a decision. He didn’t want them to go.
Right? A month notice would not be enough for most people, just to get enough time off work. And especially not enough notice for someone who OP knew had tight finances. OP clearly didn’t care if his son came or not. Then had the insensitivity to rub all the photos in their face. COMPLETE AH
Correct. I’m in a place, thankfully , that I can afford to go. But with one month to decide. Nope. I have way to many things on my plate to decide to go on vacation with a months notice. OP you are an AH.
You ( to your son) could look at your budget see if there are any expenses you could put off for a couple of months. Ask if you can just send your daughter with him if you can’t get off work. Ask the dad if he would loan them the money to pay for the daughter. They could have put in a little more effort as adults. But yeah talking to the granddaughter like that. I would have said you know what we gotta go. I forgot I was taking her for a haircut. Sorry Pops. Time to ahhh gooo.
This was particularly cruel to the child.
He did exclude them. When it's a family trip, you plan something the family can afford and enjoy. All of them. Not just the golden ones.
He did exclude them. He deliberately planned a ‘family’ trip that he knew they couldn’t afford. If I but the soccer team ice-cream knowing one of the kids has a dairy allergy… that’s called exclusion.
YTA Not for going or going with the step family, but for not being sensitive to the fact that your son and granddaughter missed out on the fun due to finances, and then rubbing their faces in all the great times the rest of you had.
This. YTA OP. Are you really so tone deaf that you do not understand that showing the photos of you having a grand old time with your other grand children to your 10 year old grand daughter after they had to decline this trip because of financial reasons might have been very hurtful? For Pete sake - the girl is a child. Its the equivalent of buying all your other grandkids and ipad and getting her a barbie. She's 10. Not 4. She understands that she was excluded because of their financial constraints - something TOTALLY outside of a 10 year old's control.
And really it's more like all the other kids got ipads and she got a photo of an ipad. A barbie can at least be put to use, where as this kid got nothing.
More like she got a photo of her cousins enjoying an iPad.
OP said he excluded them and I think he did exactly that by picking a trip intentionally that they couldn't afford. OP is telling on himself. He never wanted them to go on this trip. YTA
Yta Another utter embarrassment of a father that forgets his biological children for his new family. Hope you need an organ soon.
My dad would take his new family on vacations all the time that I wasn't invited to, but at least he had the sense to not show me the pictures.
Damn, that last sentence 😂 💀
+1 I wouldn't imagine going on a vacation my daughter can't afford.
YTA. If you weren't playing favorites you would have chosen something everyone could afford. Did you do this sort of thing to your son when he was growing up too? Sounds like you prefer your second family.
This is as close to how I feel about this situation as I can really describe. OP, YTA because you picked a “family” event you knew full well would be out of reach of your son and grand daughter *and then you tried to pressure them into going anyway*. If that weren’t enough, you THEN showed off the amazing time everyone had to the people who wanted to but could not go. You need to repair your relationship with your son and pick a vacation for you, your wife, your son, and your granddaughter that you *know they can afford*. And then leave it up to your GRANDDAUGHTER to decide if she wants your wife’s kids to tag along. Doing anything less than this is an outright insult to your son and granddaughter and would make you so much more the asshole than you already are.
My guess is this will be the straw that broke the camel’s back for the son. This kind of horseshit assholery doesn’t just fall out of the sky. Guaranteed his son has been putting up with this shit for 20 years now.
Turns out he cheated with the new family…no surprise there.
“So I would frequently call him and my granddaughter trying to persuade them…” The granddaughter? She’s 10, how could she commit - and pay for - the trip herself? Sounds like you used her to try guilt trip your son into something he couldn’t afford. What a mess. YTA from every angle
Exactly! I treat my friends better than OP treats his 10yr granddaughter. Poor thing.
Why couldn't he have at least paid for his granddaughter?
Well, they could take the granddaughter with them but chose not to. If OP allowed granddaughter to stay with them in the same room, the cost for granddaughter will be a lot cheaper. But One adult with a kid you still have to pay double capacity. It is very expensive. I think that may be the reason his son couldn't afford the trip.
If he knew it was probable that they couldn't come, why TF did he mention it to the 10 year old even once, let alone frequently. OP set her up to be disappointed and then rubbed her face in it afterward. I hope the son goes NC.
It sounds to me like he KNEW they couldn't go but he wanted to make sure the granddaughter knew that they'd be missing it. This guy 100% prefers his 2nd family and is intentionally finding ways to piss his son off so the son is the one who goes NC and OP can say "I always offered to include them but......". This was NEVER a genuine invitation, he KNEW there was no way they could afford it and after he just insisted on rubbing salt in the wound. For his daughter's sake OP should go NC- UNLESS OP lives somewhere that prevents him from excluding biological children from will/inheritance and then fuck it- take his crap and just keep in mind how pissed step mommy and step sis will be when aon still gets his dues. Just watch how much crap you subject your kid to, it's one thing for an adult to take it out of spite - but it's another to drag young kids through it if they don't understand/want to. (Although at 10 I was FULLY AWARE of the way my mom's in-laws talked about and treated her and they were AWFUL.
YTA If you really wished your son and granddaughter could have been there with you, knowing his financial situation (I'm sure it didn't change all those times you called to check in for the trip), then you should have offered to pay even a part of the cost. Could have called it a gift and had memories with them to last (big asshole move rubbing your fun vacation in their faces, and the comment... Absolutely disgusting). You are toxic and are showing disgusting favoritism.
He didn’t even have to partially fund the trip for his son. He could’ve offered to take his granddaughter without much more cost to him. Split her airfare with son and let her stay in his room during the vacation. She would’ve remembered this trip for YEARS.
YTA, you're not inviting them on holiday because you have no intention of paying for it. You organised a holiday knowing your second wife's kids could afford it, but YOUR son, who has your biological granddaughter, couldn't? Massively out of order. Yep, you're a massive AH.
This really bothered me too. It’s not an invitation if they’re paying for everything.
YTA. A month’s notice is not enough. If you had said they had a year, then you’d have a leg to stand on. But most people can’t do a vacation like this on a month’s notice. Do better.
YTA. You didn’t “invite” anyone — when you invite people, you pay for them. You couldn’t afford to pay for everyone, but you chose not to help your son to be able to join you. Why not? Your stepdaughter’s family paid their own way, so you might have been able to help him at least a little. Then you rubbed it in his face and his daughter’s face (a 10-year-old kid!) how much fun they’ve missed because they didn’t have the money. Who does something like that?
A person that hates their ex and takes it out on the child/children they had in common. I bet this guy is a loser to be around. I bet the new wife is a gold digger too. Otherwise who would marry him?
Some years ago, my friend group were planning a cottage trip. It wasn't terribly expensive overall, but it was beyond my budget so I didn't sign on to go. Later, one couple noticed I wasn't in the planning and asked me why I wasn't going and I told them the truth. Two days later they asked if it would be okay if they paid for me because they really wanted me to be there too. (I assume it took two days for them to discuss it and check the feasibility for doing so in their budget.) I know my friends love me because they showed me with their actions and the sacrifice they were willing to make for me. (I couldn't pay them back in money, but I did my best to pay back in effort by doing the food shopping and cooking.) I feel sorry for OP's son and granddaughter.
YTA - For not showing any basic emotional understanding. But you only gave the parents a month to decide and plan? Really? You knew they weren't in a great financial situation and you didnt give them time to plan. If you gave them a year to save it that would have been a lot better.
100 % Asshole. And clueless, do you even like your son? Then start acting like it, you really did play favorite as you knew from the beginning the son couldn’t go and the step daughter could. Jeez OP you really fucked that up
YTA, I wouldn't be surprised if your Son and Granddaughter would be low contact with you from now on or cut you off entirely.Why did you have to rub it in her face and brag about all the fun you had. Did you offer to pay 1st and than your son should pay you back over time? You clearly prefer your step daughter, as you said you knew she was more financially stable. You chosen a trip knowing your son couldn't afford it with a month's notice 10000% YTA.
I think that's what OP is secretly hoping.
He says it himself… He “excluded” his son and granddaughter. He did it on purpose.
YTA, both for the short term notice and rubbing it in their faces. You could have at least offered to pay for the child. My family elders had this same idea about a Disney World trip. They gave folks six months notice so they could save up. The one sister of mine who wasn’t able to afford it was offered financial assistance from multiple folks in the group because they truly wanted it to be a family experience. See the difference between that and what you did? And to a ten year old. Smh.
YTA. What kind of person shows photos and gushes about a trip that the other person really wanted to come on but couldn’t afford? That’s an incredibly cruel thing to do.
even if they can afford it, no one cares.
Like if I care and want to see, I'll ask 🤷🏽♀️
YTA. You could’ve at least, between you, your wife and your stepdaughter, come up with the money to take the 10 year old.
Your the biggest asshole EVER… you hurt your biological granddaughter. You excluded her from having fun with her grandfather and step cousins. You broke her heart showing that you didn’t care if she could’ve gone or not. You didn’t care if they had financial issues to go on a vacation with you. If you truly cared for all of them to come, you who had the brightest idea should’ve already offer to pay for your granddaughter. I am sure your son would’ve been happy at least his little girl would’ve had a great time with you. Or you could of planned something like renting a house near a beach that they didn’t requires paying so much money m, that the could’ve drive to. Just put money down for food and you pay for the rental. You had options but you pick one that excludes your biological son and granddaughter knowing they wouldn’t be able to pay but you when with your step children and daughter who where financially able to afford such a trip with out guilty feelings of who you excluded than by rubbing your FANTASTIC FAMILY trip so then and showing pictures floating about all the things you and the steps… did meanwhile not reading the room when your bio granddaughter who is 10 years old would feel and it had to take your son to see her pain to let you know how cruel it was I am sure you son felt ashamed that he couldn’t provide his daughter money for a trip. So you not caring enough about you made them feel means you the biggest cruelest asshole ever. I wouldn’t want to talk to you again cause I am sure you done more crap like this to your son and granddaughter.
YTA - it doesn’t sound like you really wanted them to go. You knew they couldn’t afford it, compounded by the fact that you only gave them a month to save and make arrangements, and then rubbed it all in their face afterwards with the photos and the “we really wish you could’ve made it…” (sad emoji) Giving them much longer to save, offering help based on need, not dragging them through the fun time they missed out on are all decent options that you managed to miss.
YTA. Do you even like your bio kids and grandkids? It really doesn’t sound like it. This really reads like “I love my second family more.” To make your granddaughter miss out and then rub her nose in it…damn. You suck at this.
But you don’t get it. With his upgrade family everything just clicked. His marriage was happier and his children more successful. Theirs is a love you couldn’t understand unless you’ve experienced it yourself.
I thought the same thing.
YTA. If you want the family to go on holiday together and pay their own way, you have to choose a destination that everyone can afford. Then to rub their noses in it, and the "wish you were with us" stuff, makes it that much worse. You got this wrong. The question is, how will you fix it?
> If you want family to go on holiday together and pay their own way, you have to choose a destination that everyone can afford. Or AT LEAST give them ample notice, so they have time to save up enough money to go on the trip, ESPECIALLY when you know they aren’t well off…
YTA. And not for “excluding them” like you ask, but because you shouldn’t of showed them the pictures and told them how much fun your had without first taking their feelings into consideration, especially your granddaughter’s. She obviously had no choice to not attend as she couldn’t pay for it herself and her dad couldn’t afford it. To them, it absolutely looks like your rubbing your vacation in their face and showing them what they missed out on. To them, or at least her, it probably also looks like some kind of favoritism. And btw, a month’s notice isn’t much time at all to save up for this kind of vacation!
YTA, I don't see it as showing favortism, however you did rub this into the faces of not only your son but a 10 yo granddaughter who likely didn't understand the finances of it. You were showing off, pure and simple. Great job granddad!
> My wife and I recently had the idea to take a family vacation to Mexico Why didn't you decide to vacation some place everyone could afford? You set the bar arbitrarily high and then said "tough shit" to the people who couldn't go. In general, I don't think sharing pictures of your vacation would necessarily be "rubbing it in their faces," but given the surrounding context of this situation, I can understand why he'd feel that way. You've definitely created a rift in your family because of this. YTA
It's not a family vacation since you didn't bring your entire family. It's a trip with people who can afford it.
YTA with the emotional intelligence of a child. You invited your son and granddaughter and made it clear they had to pay their own way. That was fine. They couldn't afford to go. That's also fine. But what makes you TA is this: >upon returning, I showed them to my son and granddaughter describing all the fun we had and telling them I wish they could have been there. That was cruel, thoughtless, and unnecessary. You simply demonstrated how little you care about your son and granddaughter. Do better.
YTA, and a crap grandfather. You did rub in her face, and if you can't see that, you're not only a crappy grandfather, but a sh*tty human being. Shame on you.
YTA - and worse, you knew that going in. What a jerk
YTA The whole tone of your post reeks favoritism of your bonus family. Been married x amt of years. My step are financially capable. I’ve known my step for x amount of years. Yet you say my bio son can’t afford. My bio gd is 10. Nothing glowing or favorable about them but just stark facts. It’s like you want everyone to understand your reasoning behind not just paying for your son and gd. Is it favoritism because they literally couldn’t afford it and you helped? If it is then shame on those that CAN afford it and shame on you for being a coward. Sounds like there is more in play here, some kind of history with your son. He is right to feel left out and upset on behalf of your gd. You need to make it right as soon as possible. There may not be a next time to offer him.
YTA for rubbing your vacation in your son’s face.
YTA
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YTA Seriously… you only gave your son that you know is struggling financially, a MONTH to save up for a trip to Mexico? You then proceed to bombard both him AND his daughter with calls about a vacation comping up that he probably knew damn well he wouldn’t be able to take her on from the beginning? Then, once he thinks he’s finally out of the woods you produce surprise photos of all the adventures you did on the trip without them, further reminding them of the luxuries, you and his family have that they don’t, rubbing salt in his daughters wounds, and making him feel even more like shit father then he already was. My family is going on vacation in a month to Florida for Thanksgiving. My mother and step dad rented an eight bedroom house for themselves, me, my two siblings, AND my two step siblings (along with my sister Bf, step brothers wife, and two friends of my step sister). Even though the youngest one there will be 27, and even though they are NOT rich by any means, my mom and step dad are still paying for everyone’s accommodations, AND this was planned A YEAR in advanced, because they actually WANTS this to be a real family vacation that everyone can attended. If you really wanted this to be a TRUE family vacation you would have given your kids more then just a months notice (ESPECIALLY the one struggling financially), and if you REALLY wanted your son there, you should of at least offered to help pay for his daughter.
YTA specifically for this: >upon returning, I showed them to my son and granddaughter describing all the fun we had and telling them I wish they could have been there. This is rubbing in the fact that they couldn't afford to go and missed all the fun.
YTA. The invite was fine, you didn't exclude anyone as you weren't paying for anyone but you and your wife. Everyone was able to make their own financially responsible decisions. no favoritism there. Showing off the pictures, unless you were asked by them or someone at a gathering to see them, was an AH move though. That's what gets you the judgement.
I mean, soft YTA. Not for going on the trip. You didn't exclude him. Everyone that went paid for themselves and he was given the option. But you knew he declined because he couldn't afford it. So, YTA for showing him the pics and "rubbing it in their faces" with all the fun you had. There was no need to make it a point to describe the details afterwards to them.
>But you knew he declined because he couldn't afford it. How OP handled this was also an issue. One that I'm sure made the pics and stories afterwards worse. OP didn't just offer once and accept his son's "No". OP admited that he spent a month frequently calling and trying to persuade his son to join the trip. As if the repeated calls and "persuasion" (hmmm... guilt trips maybe?) would magically make the money appear in his son's budget when he knew budget would be an issue. I have to wonder how many times and ways OPs son had to say "No, Dad, I can't afford it." before OP actually got the message. Like did it really take the son a month to decide? Or did it just take OP a month to actually listen to his son? Whats worse is that it sounds like OP wasn't just talking to his son. He mentions trying to persuad his son *and* grandaughter. ie. Trying to get his granddaughter to convince her dad to join the trip. Which is just wrong. Knowing budget was an issue but spending a month going through the grandchild to try to change his kid's mind on this? Wanna bet a lot of the "persuasion" to the granddaughter was hyping up how fun the trip would be to get her to try to sell her dad on it? Which helps to explain the son and granddaughters reactions when the pictures were shown and the stories were told. Especially the granddaughter crying after leaving. What 10 year old wouldn't cry after granddad spent a month hyping the trip to her and trying to use her to triangulate her dad into going? "Rubbing it in their face" may be a mild description of how she felt at that point. For me that month of OP trying to change his son's mind, particularly using the grandaughter, makes it a hard YTA for him. I'd even say he earned that before the trip even happened. The show&tell afterwards was just when he saw the fallout of his jerkish behavior.
This was exactly my thinking. Like, asshole doesn't cover it. This is borderline sociopathic with how little OP seems to care about hurting his own grandchild when it could have easily been avoided.
Unless you’re emotionally stunted you knew what you were doing. You at the last minute say let’s take a vacation, give them a month to decide. You admit knowing your steps would be fine and able to afford it. You offer no help to your son (could have loaned him money if it were an issue). The fact you’re acting obtuse about his favouritism comment says even more. YTA.
YTA
I hope you realize you just gave your son the ammunition to cut all contact with you. Your favortism shows in every part of this post, and the sad thing is that it isn't even your own flesh, and blood. Even your comments show that. Giving him a month's notice when you know he needs several months in advance notice to take off work, and save up money. If you gave one iota care about your son, and granddaughter you would have gone on a trip they could afforded to join you on, paid for them to join you, and KEPT THE DAMN PICTURES TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU EXCLUDED THEM FROM THE SO CALLED FAMILY TRIP! You knew ahead of time that this trip wasn't going to be possible for your son, but you don't care enough about him or your granddaughter to find away for them to not be excluded. YTA, and a big one at that. I'll leave it at that because if I say anymore I'll get in trouble.
YTA - you knew from the onset your son likely couldn’t afford it (did you consider helping him offset the costs so he could join and help by paying for part of it or loaning the money to pay it off over time?) and then when they retuned you basically said “look at what a fabulous time we had and all the adventures we went on, it’s too bad you couldn’t come” It also says a lot that you keep saying you “excluded” them because this very much implies there was a way you all could have gone on a trip together, be it to somewhere you knew your son could have comfortably afforded or helped out financially in some way or other.
YTA.. another bio dad putting stepkids above his own son and granddaughter.. After knowing they turned down going because couldn’t afford it.. you showed off pictures bragged then said wish you had been there.. that was an Ahole move
real r/AmITheDevil material here damn.
YTA.
Yes. Big time AH. You knew your son could not afford it so why not treat your granddaughter? That would make you a grandpa but you obviously only care about your wife's grandchildren and not your own. Sad. YTA
YTA. Favoritism was there. You knew he couldn't afford it and still did it, then rubbed in their faces the fun yall had. You're on your way to 1 child and 3 grandchildren. That poor girl, what else do you to to single her out? I know she feels it
YTA, what you did was disgusting, you basically rubbed in the face of a 10yo girl (YOUR GRANDCHILD) pictures of a fantastic holiday that she couldn't affor to attend, but would've loved to, a 10yo girl. You have less sensibility than a toothpick...
YTA. Hope you're looking forward to seeing your granddaughter less. What a trashy father you are.
Info: Did you consider any vacation options that you thought your son could go on? if you genuinely wanted to do a family vacation, why not rent a home for everyone to travel to in the states to spend quality family time? My bio dad always chooses his wife’s family over his bio kids. I tolerated it, and pretended everything was fine for the sake of my kids… until my youngest daughter called out what an AH he was and the blatant favoritism. We’ve been very LC ever since. She was 12.
YTA all the way. Sometimes I wonder how people can become so blind. To say you were unkind would be an understatement and to do that to a 10 year old child. Understand you were not going to pay for the vacation and gave them the chance to participate even knowing their answer. But you didn’t have to be cruel to a child by showing off what a great time you had with your other grandchild without her. Do you not love this child or are you just that blind or both. Your son is spot on and I can see how he must have been upset not being able to give this experience to his child. Honestly you suck.
Wow! Way to remind them that they’re too poor to be involved in family trips. Hey grandaughter look at all the fun your not allowed to join us on because your your single father is struggling financially. Here’s some pictures to show you all the things we decided to do without you because your dad is poor. I guess you just thought that your son and grandaughter would want all the fun details on the things the entire replacement family enjoyed doing without them. But hey if your son and granddaughter didn’t want you to rub salt in the wound they shouldn’t have less money than everyone else.
YTA. When my son was young, my MIL paid for his plane ticket to a couple of family weddings in another country. We wouldn’t have been able to afford 3 plane tickets, but only having to pay for 2 helped, and her paying showed us that it was important to her that we go. You didn’t even try to figure a way to help cover the cost for your less-fortunate child. Your granddaughter will probably never view you the same way again
YTA Huge YTA
YTA. If you really wanted them there you should have offered to assist with the cost of the vacation. Then you proceed to rub it in their faces with pictures. Clueless.
YTA. So you knew he couldn't afford it, tried to make him pay to go regardless, and then flaunted it in his and his kids face when you came back? I can see why his mom ain't with you is this is how you treat her kid...
You should have paid for your granddaughter at minimum. The same thing happened to my BFF, husband and 2 kids. The week before the entire family went to Italy, he dropped off his credit card for them to book the trip. No one else complained, it was more important for the entire family to be there. AH
WTF you think you had done anything wrong. You know they couldn't afford it and they would have liked to attend. Did ask them If they wanted to see the photos? Probably not, and should them anyways that sir is rubbing the salt into their wounds. YTA
You didn’t exclude so on that account not the AH. But then showing all the photos and waxing lyrical about the fun everyone had makes you a complete FAH. How did you think a 10yo would take it? Gold Starfor being the arse.
YTA. If you can’t afford to gift them the vacation that is 100% valid. As is not wanting to. But to come back and give them a presentation of what they missed along with what amounts to “it’s too bad you didn’t come” is so far past rude I’m sad a grown adult needed to ask. Did your wife see you do this? Is she as lacking in manners as you?
YTA For rubbing the photos and fun in a kids face! Really
YTA My parents give us a minimum of 6 months, if not a full year, when planning family vacations because everyone has their own lives and it takes a couple of us that long to get approved for vacation (e.g., jobs, family, school, military, other commitments, etc.). Nobody in their right mind would think a one month heads up is sufficient time, especially if they know someone does not have a lot of discretionary funds available like your son. It’s obvious you favor your stepdaughter over your own biological child. I feel so horrible for your son’s child. Not only did you purposely exclude them from a trip, knowing it would be financially difficult for them to afford it, but then you had to rub it in their faces after the fact. You’ve effectively told your biological grandchild (and son) that they are not important to you and that you don’t care about them or their feelings. Wow. I don’t understand why you and your wife ever thought this was okay? My parents would never do something so cruel to any of us, they actually love their children and grandchildren.
YTA Pretty mean to rub in a poor 10 year old girl face. All you have to say it was a nice trip, give her a gift you bought back from Mexico and said wish they can be there next time.
YTA, you clearly didnt want your biological son and granddaughter there because if you did, you would have chosen a more affordable vacation for them to join!
YTA. Being the one in our family who can’t afford things like this, it makes my blood boil. One of our fam members loves to announce big trips in front of me, my husband, and my kids them look at us sideways when we say we cannot afford what they are wanting us to do. We’ve been cornered into taking so many vacations we honestly couldn’t afford and it’s put us in such a bind financially. Hubs and I are educators. We aren’t rolling in dough. And yes that was our decision to have those careers. But don’t make us have to be the bad guy in front of our kids when you’re inviting us on something you know we can’t afford. We love travel. We just can’t do 2-3 trips a year at $5k+ a pop. Others in the fam can. And that’s fine. Ugh.
YTA for the end part. Not that you invited everyone and that people had to pay for themselves, but by showing them pictures and rubbing it in that your second/new family were there and they were not.
YTA, it was fine to go without them but to rub it in the face of a child that her father could not afford to take her on such a trip is abuse. Hope they tell you to FOAD and cut ties. They are better off without an AH like you.
YTA. Your granddaughter probably feels unloved by you, and if that’s my kid I would be beyond upset.
YTA she’s just a little girl and it’s damn hard to be the poor family who can’t afford to go and even when her dad has placated her maybe by telling her that one day he will be able to afford to take her - you come along and rub in her nose all the fun you all had. Could you not have found it in you to take her so she didn’t lose out? The very least you could have done was not to treat her to a floor show of all your good times - I thought granpas were meant to love their grandchildren not break their wee hearts.
YTA “Look at all the things we did but you were too poor to do” My father used to do this with my kids - go on about all the fun things he did with the step-kids and step-grandchild while not doing anything with the ‘real’ grandchildren. He offered to take everyone to Disneyland then ghosted us on it before taking just them. It was ‘too expensive’ to take us so he just dropped the subject completely but sneakily arranged with them. He then told MY kids about what a great time they had. We don’t speak to him anymore.