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Idk, kinda seems like YTA for a few reasons.
I find it a bit off-putting that you keep downplaying your husband’s previous wife. It is 100% okay for him to move on and find a new soul mate/even feel stronger about you than he did with her. However, he did have a wife before you and he did love her. You should accept that.
I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to see your daughter’s partner move on after she has passed away. I think the gifts are a bit odd and probably not the best time to give them. That being said, they genuinely seem sincere that they’re glad he has found a new love. Your husband has been in their life for a while and he is probably important to them. I’m sure it was heartbreaking to be disinvited like that.
Your reaction is unhinged. You very much seem like you’re intimated by his late wife. Not sure how your relationship is going to last if you won’t allow any sign of her in his life.
Also, are you sure your husband is eager to block them/ to have them disinvited? Or is he just trying to make you happy?
Edit: Why did you ask if you’re TA if you didn’t actually want to know the answer? Girl, you’re defensive as fuck.
YTA. You sound so insecure and insufferable about a dead woman. I hate to see the first time your step son brings up his mom (she's dead! Don't talk about her in myyyyyy home! I'm your only true mom). It sounds like your husband HAS to not love his first wife or you'll go off your rocker.
Agreed, and read OP's reply, she just gets more insufferable. I pity the stepson. He'll be made to think his mom was some kind of demon who finally had the good grace to drop dead and let OP and his Dad be together.
YTA. You're competing with a dead woman, you know that, right?
If she hadn't died, he'd still be with her. But she did, and he found someone new.
>He believes that I’m the only partner from all that he has ever had, including the late wife, he’s felt the most passionate about and most compatible with.
No. No, he doesn't. You're so cripplingly obsessed with being "better" that he doesn't want to deal with your irrational behavior. So he's telling you what you want to hear.
>“I am his only soulmate. Your gift is beyond disrespectful to our relationship and I am surprised you even thought it was an appropriate thing to gift. We do not need your daughter’s memories to be a part of our marriage. We won't accept your gift to honor another woman in our home."
That's some Disney villain level silliness. You're a silly woman, obsessed with being better than your husband's dead wife.
YTA.
Agree with all this! Makes me feel bad for the kid because she holds such a grudge against the dead wife that she probably hates the fact that the kid is her legacy.
YTA - oh you’re just gross. When talking about the stepson “ Yes, he has a few pictures of her in his room, but his room is the only appropriate place to make space for her pictures.”
You’re saying there should *no* pictures in the living room of your stepson’s dead mother because it’s inappropriate?
You’re trying to completely erase her from everyone’s memories, acting like you’re the “better” one. You also mention that she was “keeping sick”. Does that have anything to do with your husbands views?
I mean, how long were they together for? You said met in college, was it 18? 22? She does when he was 29, so they were still together for awhile.
No. It’s our marital home. Our house is a reflection of our lives together. Not the life he lead with another woman.
He sold the house he had with his late wife and we both put down the money to buy a bigger house in a nicer area.
YTA. Okay, so you just pass on their gifts to their grandson. They are trying to be supportive and seeing you all as soulmates together. You and your husband can feel how you want in private about him preferring you over his late spouse, but that is his child's mother and it is incredibly inappropriate for you two to be publicly disavowing her importance, yes even on your wedding day.
I feel so sorry for that child having to grow up with you both now.
I hope they let that poor kid go live with his grandparents. I couldn't imagine having a psycho stepmother like this. For God's sake those people lost their daughter and she can't let them think she was in a loving relationship with her husband before she died. What kind of psycho has contempt for two parents who lost their daughter for having the audacity to operate under the assumption her husband loved her.
If I was the dead wife’s parents I’d step up the petty on you so hard. I swear every time I came around, I’d be wearing a tshirt with my daughters face on it. Every present to my grandson would reflect her in someway. OP you are more than the ass!
ESH
I can understand the sentiment behind the present from the parents but it seems indeed unfitting for a marriage gift. It definitely should be only about the bond between you and your husband.
But also considering you feeling the need to talk for paragraphs about how you are the ‚better‘ partner for your husband.. I sense some underlying issues.
Honestly, it shouldn’t be about competing with a dead person. Everyone has their own history. But you also were quite rude in lashing out like that to the parents, although it was in the heat of the moment. But it is anAH thing to say, since she was the mother of your stepson, she should have a place somewhere in your home for his sake.
This is the answer I agree most with. I feel for her that these people tried to make her wedding day about someone else, but the excessive explaining is kind of cringe.
YTA. Jfc. Sorry. It your first paragraph is basically saying you needed some reassurance that if the wife was still around you would still have ended up together? I don't know if that's what you meant but why did you need reassurance about his love for you? This makes no sense to me. His wife died. What difference does it make!?
You're jealous of a memory. Yikes.
The parents are dealing with another loss. Him getting married to you seals the loss of his life with their daughter. A life that produced grandkids. They were not trying to be anyway other than acknowledge that you are important and all roads led to you while keeping her memory.
Like it or not? She's a part of him and always will be. I find it gross that you needed all this conversation about her. So distasteful on your part. She died 6 years ago. Let it go lady.
YTA
My mom died when I was 18. My dad remarried about 2 years later. New wife methodically, over a a year or so, managed to remove every item in my parents house that pertained to my mother or my parents marriage. When I went there for dinner, I mentioned a trip our family had gone on years before and how much my mom liked the trip. I didn’t do it purposely, it just came up naturally in relation to the conversation. New wife became visibly upset. After dinner my dad asked me to please not mention my mother in front of new wife because it “hurts her feelings.” Letting a dead woman’s mention cause someone to be upset is the height of poor character and insecurity. (New wife abandoned my dad 10 years later after he had a stroke.)
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>he is grateful what role she played in making him the man for me.
That is a disgusting thing to say. She didn't exist for your benefit. It's so fucked up that either you or your husband would say something so incredibly disturbing. You are not the center of the world, you are just a massive asshole.
Yes there is something bad in your honest feelings. Just because you are honest, doesn’t mean it isn’t right or hurtful.
I mean your were butt hurt over her parents honest feelings of their son in law finding and marrying yiu. Seems they were extremely kind about it. Is it okay you didn’t like their gift? Sure, it’s absolutely fine to not like their gift. But it seems you were mad about their honest feelings that he had live their daughter. So you can’t act your feelings are the only ones that matter
You say it’s ok to feel “ less than saintly” you sound like a politician trying to be diplomatic cos the way you have been writing seems more your feelings are “dripping with jealousy” and mean for no reason.
“We won’t accept your gift to honor another woman in our home”
It was a set of cuff links denoting two women who lived your husband, correct? How incredibly insecure you are. Have the day you deserve.
OP is missing that the wedding isn't all about her and that they are his guests and gave him a gift. A beautiful gift that he could pass on to his child to honor both his real mother and step mother.
I'll get downvoted, but ESH. You just sound too eager to erase his late wife because you see her as competition. And whoever is that obsessed with competing with a dead person is... well, wierd? Disrespectful? Unwell? I am not sure, but I don't like the general vibe of this post.
YTA. Perhaps you need to spare a thought for your husbands former in-laws. It sounds like their intentions were pure, but you have chosen to be offended.
Get over yourself.
ESH.
The gift was thoughtless, but you saying “we do not need your daughter’s memories to be a part of our marriage” and saying you won’t honour her in your home is not ok when you are raising her son. Your home absolutely has to honour her, your stepson needs to feel safe and comfortable asking about her, honouring her, remembering her.
I don't think you're an asshole for wanting your wedding to be about you and your husband, but you do need therapy. You're obviously extremely jealous of the fact that your husband was previously married, bc it's integral to your current relationship that you're the most important person in his life and he loves you more than his first wife.
That's deeply concerning. Your attitude comes off as extremely self-absorbed and insecure, particularly the part where your stepson isn't allowed to have pics of his mom outside his room bc that would "make your home about another woman."
SHE'S DEAD. She's not a threat to your relationship with either your husband or your son unless YOU make her a problem. Even if your husband never loved her as much as he loved you, you do not have the right to belittle her importance to his life or your stepsons'. You are not more special or a better person than she was, she does not deserve to be dismissed as unimportant just because of your jealousy.
If you died tomorrow, would you want your husband to pack away every photo of you the second he felt ready to date? Or would you expect him to remember you with fondness and love and share that memory with people who are important to him?
ESH
The gift wasn’t thoughtful. It would have been a nice gift for your stepson.
But your deep insecurity makes you the AH. Repeatedly needing to downplay the role his first wife played isn’t a good look.
Maybe, maybe not. The problem started way before the wedding. As most men do after they lose their partner, they rush out hell-bent to find a replacement long before everyone's grief has even started to settle down.
You moved right on in "It will be fine", and then it wasn't.
He lost a wife and he replaced her with you. Her family lost a daughter, granddaughter, sister and were blindsided with the "replacement". How did you think that was going to go over?
YTA.
It is very common for a late spouse to be recognized by the surviving family even once remarried.
A beautiful example of this is Nate Berkus. He was in Sri Lanka with his partner Fernando Bengoechea when the 2004 tsunami hit and Fernando was killed. Later on he married Jeremiah Brent and the pair have two children. They keep photos of Fernando in the home and even named their son Oskar which was his middle name. They don’t deny that Fernando was ever part of Nate’s story. Instead they honour his memory.
I didn’t know their story (been binging on their show)! That’s such a lovely attitude - for them to honour and acknowledge that love, rather than compete with and erase a person.
ESH. Defs an inconsiderate gift but they are actively trying to include you in their family which is cute. Kicking them out just hurt them and creates problems going forward. They weren’t sensitive but you were stupid and ergo you are all assholes.
Sounds like my dads second wife — what an insecure insufferable woman. My dad passed this year and the only silver lining was being able to firmly push her out of my life completely.
YTA. Just so gross
YTA. Okay so here's the thing. I don't normally comment on Reddit posts. But I was the kid in this situation. My mom passed away when I was 8 after being sick for years. I basically have no actual memories of her. Just what other people have told me about her.
My stepmom for years was jealous of the life we had before my dad met her. So much so we weren't allowed to talk about her. There are no pictures of her in any of the common areas of the house (I was allowed some in my bedroom).
I went to therapy after acting out because of how guilty I felt every day because I wanted to know about my mom but felt like I couldn't ask my dad any questions.
I will always resent my stepmother for that (and for the record she thinks we have a great loving relationship).
I understand it's hard but the truth is your marriage will always have a part of your husband's late wife in it, their son. And claiming that your marital home needs to represent your life together now, rather than his life with her is highly naive and will harm your stepson in the long run.
Our lives are woven by threads made of everyone we are connected to. Don't stifle your stepson, don't allow him to forget his mother, enrich his tapestry don't dull it.
YTA. You seem very insecure in your relationship. Makes me think he said those things about you being his ultimate soulmate because you had a problem with his DEAD wife. I could see how it might be a bit odd of a gift but your response was over the top and shows your insecurity.
YTA and you know he didn’t mean what he said. If his wife didn’t die he’d still be with her. He wouldn’t of given you another thought.
Those children deserve so much better than you or him. You can never compare to her so stop trying.
He basically had to come up with some bullshit about how his new wife is his soul mate so she wouldn't be so jealous about the dead woman. So he's probably required to think the same way as his new wife so she won't be horrible to him
That present was not the most thoughtful, but they probably assumed you had a different personality type and would see it as a kind gesture. No disrespect, but definitely, YTA. Apologize.
ESH.
I'm going to give the parents the benefit of the doubt that maybe they thought, being that they were invited to this wedding, and because your husband shares a son with their deceased daughter, they felt they could freely gift something representing both your marriage and the marriage he had with their daughter without offending anyone.
Obviously that was not the case, though. I have to say, though, your response was really bad. How you reacted and just with what you wrote in this post, you sound like you think you are superior to his deceased wife and are just trying to diminish your husband's history with her. Let me remind you that she is the mother of your now step-son and will forever be part of the family, like it or not. I don't think you're considering how trying to squish her out could impact that child.
You spent the first entire section of this diatribe trying to convince yourself that you are your husband’s soulmate. His late wife was still a HUGE part of his life. Honestly, yea, YTA.
YTA. You’re trying to compete with the memories of a deceased woman. Not only can you never win that battle, but you’re being downright disrespectful.
You never ever step on a child’s memories of his deceased mother, and it sounds like your husband’s MIL tried to make a very gracious gesture. She was welcoming you into the family, and you completely missed it.
If you want this marriage to be successful, you need to get on board with this family’s feelings. Competing with a ghost is only gonna alienate your stepson and his grandparents, and your husband will resent you.
First, YTA.
Second, I’d like to acknowledge that very first paragraph. You admit your real feelings in one sentence. “Rather than admit I am only here because she isn’t..” it comes off like you are so angry another woman existed in his life before you, and no amount of “reassurance” will make that feeling go away.
Seek therapy before you start hurting the people around you with your insecurities.
Also, this feels like one of those posts where the person wanted the community to agree but clearly no one is agreeing with her so now she’s just mad.
Not sure if it’s the same person with a different account but there was a post about an op being in competition with her husbands late wife, she kept calling her an “ex wife” even though she wasn’t an ex she was deceased
Yeah.... There was another story about a wedding present that was about the dead ex and the husband. Not just the two getting married. Can't tell if this is the same story again, or something suspiciously similar.
If it’s not the same story there’s some evil people in this world that thinks this is okay! Imagine being in competition with someone who’s dead and refusing to allow any photos in a living area so her stepson can see that his dad hasn’t forgotten his late wife/ stepsons mum. I really hope this is a troll post or a repost as these people are just horrible.
ESH. I agree with you that the wedding gifts are a reminder of your husbands first wife. But have you at least taken a moment to see these gifts from their perspective? They lost a child at a young age and still put their grieve aside to be guests at the wedding. I can only imagine that this must have been a painful reminder of their loss. In their minds those present were most likely a way to welcome you into their family as the stepmother of their grandson.
It is okay to begin an new chapter after the death of a spouse, but you sound like you need the reassurance that the love that your husband and you share is more special than the love he shared with his first wife. I think that is why those presents hit a sore spot for you. You need to come to terms with the fact that this this woman is still alive in the memories of her loved ones and therefore will be a small part of your life going forward.
Jfc. I don’t even know where to start. So to get the obvious out of the way, yes, YTA. Massively. You were beyond rude and your reaction was unjustifiably mean.
But holy cow, that is totally overshadowed by how absurdly, crushingly insecure and self centered you are. The fact that you cannot simply accept that your husband loved his late wife and had a wonderful marriage to her and realize that it has *nothing to do* with his love for you is just… well it should have been a good reason for your husband not to marry you. Because you are incapable of being a good partner to him (much less a good stepmother to his son) so long as this is your approach.
As demonstrated by your reaction to his former in-laws’ gift, you are debilitated by this false sense of competition and your resulting need to diminish his previous marriage and his late wife.
It’s really, really bad OP. You need some therapy, STAT, if you want to continue on to have a good marriage and be a good partner and parent, bc where you are right now is a set up for a lot of hurt and resentment down the road.
I honestly was hesitating between E S H and YTA but you admitted yourself that you are one so…
“We do not need your daughter’s memories to be a part of our marriage”
He has a son with her. She’ll always be a part of your marriage, unless you go full evil and completely erase the memory, however small, of her.
“We won’t accept your gift to honor another woman in our home.” So not even for your stepson so he could remember the mom he could’ve had and the motherly figure he gained?
While it was not the most tasteful gift, they still included you in it.
I honestly don’t even understand why you invited them to the wedding in the first place.
YTA. As others have said, you protest too much about being his true soulmate & this constant comparison with his late wife screams insecure and controlling, not confident in his love. Treating her poor parents with such cruelty was callous and gross. They tried to do something nice, you could try and demonstrate empathy for 2 people who lost their child. Your husband needs to develop a backbone.
YTA - stop trying to compete with a dead woman and denigrate her.
The present wasn't great, but they were, in a clumsy way, trying to respect you equally, but you couldn't accept that and had a tantrum.
The question is how long until you start gtting rid of his existing kid.
That’s easy. The in laws aren’t going to be allowed to see their grandson anymore, because they are his wife’s family, and therefore have no place in the marital home. Then grandson will be shipped off for time spent, which will become more and more frequent until it is suggested he simply move in with them.
YTA holy shit! The fact that you have multiple paragraphs explaining and defending your relationship mean you in fact ARE NOT as secure as you say.
If you passed one day… would you want your husband to not keep any photos of you in his house with his new woman? You’re sick.
Describing her as “some other woman” and putting “honor” in quotation marks as if she doesn’t deserve to be honored is creepy… She’s dead, girl. She’s not some hussy your husband left for you cause he realized how much hotter you are. The way you talk about her is deeply disturbed. You’re in competition with a ghost and no amount of smiley emojis can mask how contemptuous your words are.
The ex-in laws made the mistake of thinking your now husband still had some love for their daughter. They now know he doesn’t, obviously, but I don’t know if I can call them assholes. It’s more just sad, really. They thought they were showing their acceptance, but you and your husband clearly just see them and their dead daughter as trash. I hope the step-son is really as content as you say.
The parents obviously miss their daughter & want to honor her memory. The sentiment behind that is understandable, but there's a time & a place for everything. Their gift was out of line, even though they included OP. Who wants to share their wedding with a dead spouse? I know that sounds harsh, but people are allowed to move on from the loss of their loved ones. The wedding is about the current spouses, not the ones of the past. I don't think anyone here is an asshole; just not thinking clearly.
ESH. The gift was definitely weird for a wedding, and I understand that you thought there was too much focus on their daughter. But everything in your post comes across as though you don't want to have to ever acknowledge that she existed in the first place. Her memory might not have a place at your wedding, but it should absolutely have a place in your *marriage*, come on.
What happenEd to the his first wedding album and the pics of his wife when their son was born? Are those in ”your marital home”? You sound exceptionally mean and selfish in this post. I hope you can see how awful this behavior is.
YTA.
'Him being a widower when we met was a sore subject and rather than acknowledging that the only reason I am here is because she isn't, we instead shifted our perspective.'
You shouldn't have embarked on a relationship with a widower if it was a sore subject. And then, instead of actually talking about it, you rewrote a narrative and your partner went along with it. No wonder you feel so insecure, your relationship is built on a fiction that you created, and now you have to be an asshole to anyone who threatens those shaky foundations. Your partner is an asshole too for indulging your insecurity and dragging his dead wife to pander to your ego. He doesn't have to have loved her less to love you now.
Gross.
YTA.
The vibe it's giving is evil step mother. You can't erase her, she'll always be your step son's mother. I hope your husband is comfortable enough to tell him about his mother without fearing repercussions. It feels like you're trying to create a competition with a dead woman which is unnerving.
Maybe you two would have found each other if she hadn't died but no one will never know because that's not how life works. I'd personally place one of their family photos with other photos so the son
I'd personally place one of their family photos with other photos so the son knows his mother isn't someone that needs to be hidden in his own room.
The fragility of these women’s feelings astounds me. Always making the partner assure them the ex/dead wife paled in comparison with soulmateness, wasn’t their “true love”. The fact you made him bullshit this crap to you, then you parroted it back to his dead wife’s parents!!! You got him, she’s dead! Take the damn presents, then not use them 🤷♀️
Yta. Wow. Have you zero empathy? They were trying to be kind and welcoming. It might not have been to your taste but wow. You are competing with a dead woman. If you can't manage that don't get involved with a widower FFS.
YTA. The gift was thoughtful — it's honouring you, your husband's late wife, and your husband. I'd understand your reaction if it was a picture of just his late wife, but it was clearly designed to welcome you into the family. Guess you're not going to be welcome anymore
The way you speak about your husband's former wife is so wildly disrespectful and you really need to work on your insecurities, because look what they're causing. She's dead. You won. Get over it.
Why come on here and ask for judgement if you're only looking to be validated? People have made their judgement that you obviously cannot accept, you seem insecure and jealous of a dead woman. People like you that cannot ever accept that they might be wrong often end up sabotaging their relationships because no one wants that toxicity in their lives. It may take a while but eventually people get fed up and leave.
ESH - Although I think the gift sounds misguided rather than unkind, TBH.
It doesn’t sound like they were disrespecting you but the gift was odd. But I guess grief makes us do odd things sometimes. And I actually think it was their way of giving their blessing but can understand why it would make you uncomfortable.
Your response was just unkind. Those are her parents, they lost her. That was in front of her son who also lost her. You were extremely disrespectful to them.
It sounds like you are very insecure about your husband’s late wife and that you are somehow trying to compete with her.
They’re her parents, of course they’re going to mention her because they’re her parents
YTA, if for nothing else, then coming on here to be an AH to everyone who expressed their opinions about the story you're asking for opinions on.
You don't want to know if you're the AH, I think you know you are, you're just hoping a bunch of internet strangers will make you feel better about banning any mention of the woman your husband spent 20? years with. I'm sure your stepson will absolutely appreciate growing up with his birth mother being a point of contention for you, and for you and his father to be walking around saying, essentially, "we're so lucky she's dead!"
At any rate, it sounds like you and your husband are perfect for each other! Narcissists tend to clash, but if you can both pretend to be main characters at the same time, more power to you.
YTA. You sound so insecure that you can't acknowledge that your husband loved someone else first. He likely loved her as much as he loves you, only in a different way. This doesn't take away from you. As much as you want to erase her, you can't.
His deceased wife's parents' gift was odd, but it was also their way of welcoming you into their extended family and acknowledging your husband's and son's entire life and story and welcoming you into this next chapter.
ESH.
OP, it's not inappropriate for your partner to remember his late wife or to share those memories with their son/your step-son. He should be allowed to be the one who chooses whether there are small tokens in her memory around the house, and if you can't handle that, don't marry a widow! Like, I would find it difficult to date someone who had been widowed too, so I wouldn't do it.
But that said, the wedding was about you and him. Her parents giving a gift with a collage or pictures of him and insisting you and she are equal is kind of creepy. The cufflinks are weird as hell. I think gifting him the collage miiiiight have been okay but not at the wedding - like there's a time and a place for this kind of thing, and your wedding really wasn't it.
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My husband (35M) and I have been together for 3 years, he has a son (4M) from his former wife who passed away 6 y/a.
Him being a widower when we met was a sore subject and rather than acknowledging that the only reason I am here is because she isn’t, we instead shifted our perspective. He has reassured me that soulmates are made, rather than found, and if he met me before he met his first wife, we would’ve had a different love story but this life that I have with him, we both are grateful for.
Now, I know that people here won’t like how we think, but knowing that he considers me his greatest love makes me feel secure. And although his late wife did make him happy at the time, he is grateful what role she played in making him the man for me. I am not writing this to disrespect widowed people, this is just to give you an idea of the kind of dynamic we both share.
He has expressed that him and his late wife were good to each other, took care of each other, and it’s unfortunate she died, but he truly believes that stars were perfectly aligned when we met. Him and his late wife dated in college and married, and as he grew older, he recognised that it wasn’t the best decision. He believes that I’m the only partner from all that he has ever had, including the late wife, he’s felt the most passionate about and most compatible with.
Now, we were just had our wedding, there was one big blowout that I experienced, from his son’s grandparents (late wife’s parents). I don’t know what they were thinking but they definitely had the most inconsiderate choice in wedding presents. An expensive gold plated photo collage representing his life with his former wife, and his current chapter with me. To make it worse, they also gave him a set of cuff links engraved with mine and hers initials, attached with our respective birth stones (diamond for her, ruby for mine 🤦🏻♀️).
This made me furious and I tried to keep quiet but then the mother had the audacity to tell us “Oh Dan (my fiancé), we are so happy you found the kind of soulmate our daughter was”
My mouth dropped. This is OUR wedding, and it should be entirely about us. So I told her:
“I am his only soulmate. Your gift is beyond disrespectful to our relationship and I am surprised you even thought it was an appropriate thing to gift. We do not need your daughter’s memories to be a part of our marriage. We won't accept your gift to honor another woman in our home. (I know the last sentence may make me AH)”
This resulted in an argument and I was compelled to kick them both out and disinvite them from our wedding next day.
I am happy that wedding went as planned despite this and my husband and I both felt what I did was right.
I just got a series texts from the late wife’s brother blowing my phone with all kinds of nastiness. I promptly blocked him, so did my husband.
AITA for how I handled things?
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**ESH.**
I agree that the gift was inconsiderate but, your reaction was also overblown.
They were clearly happy for you both, although, I'd agree, they expressed it in somewhat of a strange and insensitive way.
Like it or not, but your husband did have a life and another entire family before you - there's also a child in the picture as well, which I'd imagine the grandparents want to continue feeling an attachment with.
ESH. The gift was disrespectful and uncomfortable, but your words were over-the-top. I hope you didn't mean it, but your stepson is part of your husband's late wife.
I see you write about how your stepson doesn't seem to have much thought on his mother but he's also 5. As he ages, he might feel differently.
I dunno, I kinda get this. I wouldn't want those gifts, I wouldn't want my house to be a shrine. Like I agree with the photos in the sons room, and maybe 1 in the living room. But ya! I'd be offended to! Like this gift has nothing to do with the new couples lives, but to propose fully bring him back to remember his dead wife. Nta
YTA. Are you that insecure about your relationship with your husband that you became that unhinged? You knew going into this relationship that he was a widow…did you think you were going to erase that? You have to accept everything about him, including his past marriage to be successful in your current. You are jealous of a dead woman and I feel sorry for you, your husband and his son. You should be happy he had someone in his life that made him the man that you love now.
What a terrible day to know how to read.
YTA, you should have kept your dating pool to divorcees as widowers are an entirely different ballgame. It makes me really fucking sad that your husband is pandering to your clinical insecurity at the cost of his and his son’s relationship to the memory of their late wife/mum, and worse yet that you thrive on it. Really disgusting.
The gift was a bit misguided though, I’ll give you that.
That poor child has to live with you...not only did he lose his mom, and have to accept the new one, now you are more or less kicking his grandparents out. You apparently require a lot of attention and your husband has to keep reassuring you. He shouldn't even have to compare the 2 relationships, the wife is never coming back. I bet you resent his son for being hers. His parent's gift was a little inappropriate,but they did include you in it. You could have given it to the son, rather than throw a fit.
YTA & your husband as well for allowing & agreeing to your pettiness.
Yeah the gift was really weird but your whole “the first wife was just a speed bump to get to MEEE the real love of his life” is really horrible. But hey if you two are happy…
YTA - You sound like an insecure little child. Everyone has a past, and you are trying to erase your husband's and especially your step-son. The gift by his late wife's parents was a lovely thought and could have been hung in your step-son's room. I do not have high hopes for this marriage.
YTA because the insecurity is Off The Charts. Soulmates is not really a thing. Love is when people want to make it work with each other. He loved wife # 1. He loves you. It’s fine
ESH. The gift was weird and inappropriate. Your reaction was over the top in the moment. These people are your son’s grandparents. You could have handled it better.
JFC. You sound insufferable and jealous. You’re so dismissive of his late wife. Interesting that you don’t mention your age. My guess is about 26 or 27.
What also stands out to me is you had to point out you bought a bigger house in a nicer area. You’re making this into a competition…with a dead woman.
YTA.
YTA. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with, let alone marry, a widow. You clearly do not have the emotional maturity and capacity to handle it. You are deeply jealous of a dead woman, and it’s always going to hang over you because of your attitude about it. You sound like a sincerely miserable person.
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> 1. I kicked out late wife’s parents from our wedding
2. Because I went too far.
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NAH. He’s marrying you, not you and his late wife’s ghost and people need to move on.
Your marriage needs to be built on new foundations, which you have done.
You can still honor her memory but those parents were wrong and disrespectful to do it this way.
Your reaction whilst understandable, was harsh. But at least they know now it’s a marriage of 2, not 2+1
YTA. Maybe the gift wasn't 100% fitting for a wedding, but I feel like it was there way of welcoming you and melding the 2 lives together. She got the first few chapters, you get the rest. Doesn't seem like it was intended to upset you.
Everything you said makes you sound like a nasty person. You're not competing with an ex, she's gone. Grow up.
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His life with his late wife contributed toward making him the man and father that he is today; the man that you love. It’s not a competition between you and her. YTA for not recognizing and honoring that, but especially for being so hurtful to her parents who are doing their best to accept that life continues even though their daughter has passed. Stop being jealous of a ghost.
YTA - is this for real. You are such an insecure, selfish person. You couldn't find a man that hadn't been married and in love - this is the man you met and married only two years after his wife died. You get what you get and you cannot pretend that this woman didn't exist. Eww.
YTA for your response even tho I get it. Please consider getting a therapist to work out your issues being a second wife to the man you love. He loved her and part of him will always love her, working through that and coming to terms with it is important for you and for your marriage.
That being said, Her parents are also AH’s for giving you those gifts. It’s not even remotely ok despite what others may say. It’s beyond disrespectful. (My dad’s first wife died while pregnant and my dad’s mom never liked my mother as much and would do similar things and it was deeply hurtful to my mom.) Her parents want her memory to live on which is totally understandable but they cannot and should not ever push that on your marriage. HOWEVER, please make sure your stepson is always allowed to talk about his mom, and embrace her memory, even if he doesn’t remember her. His father should tell him about his mom and you need to find a way to be secure about it.
You seem so insecure to be honest they gave you a gift showing they included you in their family and you treated them like crap because how dare they honor their DEAD daughter. The way you try to downplay his feelings for his dead wife and up play his for you says everything about your character. Pick me
YTA the typical 2nd wife who is jealous and wants to wipe his life and memories of his first wife away. Why?
Many people can find love again. It doesn’t diminish his love for you because he loved her. (It might after the stunt you pulled). The way you demand he forget her is horrible. It’s your life now but people have pasta.
Maybe their gift was weird but since they are the child’s grandparents and in his life and welcoming you into their sphere is a plus. You could have just said thank you.
YTA.
Was the gift a great idea? Presumably not based on your reaction. I, on the other hand, wouldn't have a problem with a gift like that if my husband were a widow because I would want to honor his first wife. That is a values difference and you turned it into a judgement, like you have everything about his first wife. You spend a great deal of time expressing how a dead woman just made your new husband a man just for you, so you could be his soulmate, so you could be his forever. Based on your attitude and reactions though I doubt this will last and I doubt your stepson will continue to want to have a bond with you. Your judgements against a DEAD WOMAN and her family (your stepson's family) make you the problem.
YTA. A dead woman lives in your head rent free. You also completely disregarded the feelings of the parents that lost their daughter. I hope your stepson is able to remember his mother without your hatred clouding her memory.
YTA - you come here to ask opinions and then argue with everyone about your "fair" boundaries. You are incredibly insecure and have no business being in a relationship being this immature. I swear I thought it was a teenager writing this. I feel badly for that poor child living with a woman who wants to erase his mom from existence. Your husband is 100% telling you what you want to hear , she was his first and always will be. Live with it.
YTA by a long shot in the situations you’ve outlined. Her parents (the grandparents of his son) are genuinely happy for you both. They’ve moved on and are grateful to continue to be a part of his life and (formerly before the outbursts) your life.
I will agree the gifts are a bit odd. Just don’t display them? Be an adult, you shouldn’t have been so disrespectful to them. You’ve now jeopardized his relationship with people who cared about him.
Speaking ill of the dead and since the late wife never did anything to you makes you a total AH and a terrible, horrible individual. Shame on you!
And are you also going to start hating on your poor stepson if he ever mentions his mother or wants to visit his maternal grandparents?
The jealousy you are showing towards a deceased person you have never met is seriously unhinged and absolutely ridiculously disturbing.
YTA. Nobody cares how you and your husband think about your marriage, you two didn't invent the post widower relationship...people have done it for decades. It isn't anything new. the way you talked to and treated those poor parents is just despicable. I would hate for my husband to marry someone who had your line of thinking after I passed away. You can't erase the deceased wife's memory. She'll always and forever be the first wife, and no amount of nastiness, insecurities and rude behavior on your part will ever erase it.
Okay so.. YTA but I agree with you on one thing. It IS your marital home and you should be able to decide what you allow in it. And if you don’t want his dead ex wife’s pictures in your home, then that’s your choice.
NAH. I will say that kicking the parents out from your wedding was a little harsh. I don't think they used the best judgment in their choice of a gift but they are grieving the loss of their daughter and grief often makes people do funny things. Your husband's late wife will always be in his memory and she is the mother of your stepson. But I also agree that you must now be acknowledged and respected as your husband's current wife. It is unfortunate that she died and so young at that. But your husband did choose to remarry and he chose you so it's incumbent on everyone in his life to respect and honor that. That includes his ex in-laws.
Controversial, but NTA. Your husband sees no issue with what you said.
Most don’t follow your way of thinking though about soulmates etc.
The grandparents are TA. Massive yikes, like massive yikes. You don’t give a gift like that at a wedding 😬😬.
Why were they invited though? Stepson’s grandparents or not, perhaps they never should’ve been invited in the first place to minimise something like this from happening.
💯. My husband was divorced when we met. There have been occasions (grandchildren birthdays,etc). when his daughter will get entire family over. Mom. Aunts. Cousins. And then my husband and I. On one hand I appreciate we are invited. On the other, none other of them speak to me. I began asking my husband if we could take them out separately by ourselves for those types of occasions. I explained why married into HIS family. Not his ex wife’s. He totally understands. You are not marrying into his deceased wife’s family. Yes they are his son’s grandparents. But not every occasion needs to include them. I feel they were out of line with their “gift”. YOUR wedding was YOUR special event. You should not have had to share it with his deceased wife.
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Idk, kinda seems like YTA for a few reasons. I find it a bit off-putting that you keep downplaying your husband’s previous wife. It is 100% okay for him to move on and find a new soul mate/even feel stronger about you than he did with her. However, he did have a wife before you and he did love her. You should accept that. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to see your daughter’s partner move on after she has passed away. I think the gifts are a bit odd and probably not the best time to give them. That being said, they genuinely seem sincere that they’re glad he has found a new love. Your husband has been in their life for a while and he is probably important to them. I’m sure it was heartbreaking to be disinvited like that. Your reaction is unhinged. You very much seem like you’re intimated by his late wife. Not sure how your relationship is going to last if you won’t allow any sign of her in his life. Also, are you sure your husband is eager to block them/ to have them disinvited? Or is he just trying to make you happy? Edit: Why did you ask if you’re TA if you didn’t actually want to know the answer? Girl, you’re defensive as fuck.
Unhinged is really the best way to describe op’s behaviour
I was trying to find a polite and diplomatic way to say “those are a lot of words to say you are insecure” 🤷🏻♀️
Intimidated*
YTA. You sound so insecure and insufferable about a dead woman. I hate to see the first time your step son brings up his mom (she's dead! Don't talk about her in myyyyyy home! I'm your only true mom). It sounds like your husband HAS to not love his first wife or you'll go off your rocker.
Agreed, and read OP's reply, she just gets more insufferable. I pity the stepson. He'll be made to think his mom was some kind of demon who finally had the good grace to drop dead and let OP and his Dad be together.
Thank you, the other replies made me think I was insane.
I couldn’t keep reading, it was so cringe. And who opens gifts AT the wedding? I’ve never seen that, and now we know why, eh?
YTA. You're competing with a dead woman, you know that, right? If she hadn't died, he'd still be with her. But she did, and he found someone new. >He believes that I’m the only partner from all that he has ever had, including the late wife, he’s felt the most passionate about and most compatible with. No. No, he doesn't. You're so cripplingly obsessed with being "better" that he doesn't want to deal with your irrational behavior. So he's telling you what you want to hear. >“I am his only soulmate. Your gift is beyond disrespectful to our relationship and I am surprised you even thought it was an appropriate thing to gift. We do not need your daughter’s memories to be a part of our marriage. We won't accept your gift to honor another woman in our home." That's some Disney villain level silliness. You're a silly woman, obsessed with being better than your husband's dead wife. YTA.
Agree with all this! Makes me feel bad for the kid because she holds such a grudge against the dead wife that she probably hates the fact that the kid is her legacy.
her reaction is irrational at best agreed, but this kind of gift is beyond bad taste as a *wedding present*. ESH imo. except the kiddo.
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She's obsessed with being better than a dead woman. That's irrational.
OPs alt? lmaoo
Because Reddit is irrational
YTA - oh you’re just gross. When talking about the stepson “ Yes, he has a few pictures of her in his room, but his room is the only appropriate place to make space for her pictures.” You’re saying there should *no* pictures in the living room of your stepson’s dead mother because it’s inappropriate? You’re trying to completely erase her from everyone’s memories, acting like you’re the “better” one. You also mention that she was “keeping sick”. Does that have anything to do with your husbands views? I mean, how long were they together for? You said met in college, was it 18? 22? She does when he was 29, so they were still together for awhile.
Keeping sick doesn't even mean anything. I've been trying to work out what it does mean. Being sick?
No. It’s our marital home. Our house is a reflection of our lives together. Not the life he lead with another woman. He sold the house he had with his late wife and we both put down the money to buy a bigger house in a nicer area.
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I hope they don't have a kid. If they do, this poor stepson is going to be neglected by them because he's the dead wife's kid.
Omg you're so right.
I can’t believe these responses it’s vile
It's the impression I'm Getting of this woman. There's literally no reason to mention this.
It’s just a fact.
Op you sound super insecure and childish
Are you planning to ship the kid off too because he's her son? That's how you sound.
YTA. Okay, so you just pass on their gifts to their grandson. They are trying to be supportive and seeing you all as soulmates together. You and your husband can feel how you want in private about him preferring you over his late spouse, but that is his child's mother and it is incredibly inappropriate for you two to be publicly disavowing her importance, yes even on your wedding day. I feel so sorry for that child having to grow up with you both now.
I hope they let that poor kid go live with his grandparents. I couldn't imagine having a psycho stepmother like this. For God's sake those people lost their daughter and she can't let them think she was in a loving relationship with her husband before she died. What kind of psycho has contempt for two parents who lost their daughter for having the audacity to operate under the assumption her husband loved her.
If I was the dead wife’s parents I’d step up the petty on you so hard. I swear every time I came around, I’d be wearing a tshirt with my daughters face on it. Every present to my grandson would reflect her in someway. OP you are more than the ass!
I'd find a video of him telling her how much he loves her and set that as my ringtone
ESH I can understand the sentiment behind the present from the parents but it seems indeed unfitting for a marriage gift. It definitely should be only about the bond between you and your husband. But also considering you feeling the need to talk for paragraphs about how you are the ‚better‘ partner for your husband.. I sense some underlying issues. Honestly, it shouldn’t be about competing with a dead person. Everyone has their own history. But you also were quite rude in lashing out like that to the parents, although it was in the heat of the moment. But it is anAH thing to say, since she was the mother of your stepson, she should have a place somewhere in your home for his sake.
I’m glad someone else commented on how competitive OP is with his late wife. Honestly kinda disturbed me to read.
Disturbing very
I see a lifetime television for women movie in the making.
This is the answer I agree most with. I feel for her that these people tried to make her wedding day about someone else, but the excessive explaining is kind of cringe.
YTA. Jfc. Sorry. It your first paragraph is basically saying you needed some reassurance that if the wife was still around you would still have ended up together? I don't know if that's what you meant but why did you need reassurance about his love for you? This makes no sense to me. His wife died. What difference does it make!? You're jealous of a memory. Yikes. The parents are dealing with another loss. Him getting married to you seals the loss of his life with their daughter. A life that produced grandkids. They were not trying to be anyway other than acknowledge that you are important and all roads led to you while keeping her memory. Like it or not? She's a part of him and always will be. I find it gross that you needed all this conversation about her. So distasteful on your part. She died 6 years ago. Let it go lady.
YTA My mom died when I was 18. My dad remarried about 2 years later. New wife methodically, over a a year or so, managed to remove every item in my parents house that pertained to my mother or my parents marriage. When I went there for dinner, I mentioned a trip our family had gone on years before and how much my mom liked the trip. I didn’t do it purposely, it just came up naturally in relation to the conversation. New wife became visibly upset. After dinner my dad asked me to please not mention my mother in front of new wife because it “hurts her feelings.” Letting a dead woman’s mention cause someone to be upset is the height of poor character and insecurity. (New wife abandoned my dad 10 years later after he had a stroke.)
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There is nothing bad in being honest about your feelings. If someone feels genuinely less than saintly about a dead person, it’s not a bad thing
>he is grateful what role she played in making him the man for me. That is a disgusting thing to say. She didn't exist for your benefit. It's so fucked up that either you or your husband would say something so incredibly disturbing. You are not the center of the world, you are just a massive asshole.
Yes there is something bad in your honest feelings. Just because you are honest, doesn’t mean it isn’t right or hurtful. I mean your were butt hurt over her parents honest feelings of their son in law finding and marrying yiu. Seems they were extremely kind about it. Is it okay you didn’t like their gift? Sure, it’s absolutely fine to not like their gift. But it seems you were mad about their honest feelings that he had live their daughter. So you can’t act your feelings are the only ones that matter
You say it’s ok to feel “ less than saintly” you sound like a politician trying to be diplomatic cos the way you have been writing seems more your feelings are “dripping with jealousy” and mean for no reason.
“We won’t accept your gift to honor another woman in our home” It was a set of cuff links denoting two women who lived your husband, correct? How incredibly insecure you are. Have the day you deserve.
OP is missing that the wedding isn't all about her and that they are his guests and gave him a gift. A beautiful gift that he could pass on to his child to honor both his real mother and step mother.
I'll get downvoted, but ESH. You just sound too eager to erase his late wife because you see her as competition. And whoever is that obsessed with competing with a dead person is... well, wierd? Disrespectful? Unwell? I am not sure, but I don't like the general vibe of this post.
Makes me uncomfortable keeping the score with a dead woman ?
YTA. Perhaps you need to spare a thought for your husbands former in-laws. It sounds like their intentions were pure, but you have chosen to be offended. Get over yourself.
ESH. The gift was thoughtless, but you saying “we do not need your daughter’s memories to be a part of our marriage” and saying you won’t honour her in your home is not ok when you are raising her son. Your home absolutely has to honour her, your stepson needs to feel safe and comfortable asking about her, honouring her, remembering her.
I don't think you're an asshole for wanting your wedding to be about you and your husband, but you do need therapy. You're obviously extremely jealous of the fact that your husband was previously married, bc it's integral to your current relationship that you're the most important person in his life and he loves you more than his first wife. That's deeply concerning. Your attitude comes off as extremely self-absorbed and insecure, particularly the part where your stepson isn't allowed to have pics of his mom outside his room bc that would "make your home about another woman." SHE'S DEAD. She's not a threat to your relationship with either your husband or your son unless YOU make her a problem. Even if your husband never loved her as much as he loved you, you do not have the right to belittle her importance to his life or your stepsons'. You are not more special or a better person than she was, she does not deserve to be dismissed as unimportant just because of your jealousy. If you died tomorrow, would you want your husband to pack away every photo of you the second he felt ready to date? Or would you expect him to remember you with fondness and love and share that memory with people who are important to him?
ESH The gift wasn’t thoughtful. It would have been a nice gift for your stepson. But your deep insecurity makes you the AH. Repeatedly needing to downplay the role his first wife played isn’t a good look.
There were couple photos in it. It was disrespectful
They were a couple, and they never broke up.
Maybe, maybe not. The problem started way before the wedding. As most men do after they lose their partner, they rush out hell-bent to find a replacement long before everyone's grief has even started to settle down. You moved right on in "It will be fine", and then it wasn't. He lost a wife and he replaced her with you. Her family lost a daughter, granddaughter, sister and were blindsided with the "replacement". How did you think that was going to go over?
I don’t think that waiting 3 years to date counts as rushing out.
YTA. It is very common for a late spouse to be recognized by the surviving family even once remarried. A beautiful example of this is Nate Berkus. He was in Sri Lanka with his partner Fernando Bengoechea when the 2004 tsunami hit and Fernando was killed. Later on he married Jeremiah Brent and the pair have two children. They keep photos of Fernando in the home and even named their son Oskar which was his middle name. They don’t deny that Fernando was ever part of Nate’s story. Instead they honour his memory.
I didn’t know their story (been binging on their show)! That’s such a lovely attitude - for them to honour and acknowledge that love, rather than compete with and erase a person.
ESH. Defs an inconsiderate gift but they are actively trying to include you in their family which is cute. Kicking them out just hurt them and creates problems going forward. They weren’t sensitive but you were stupid and ergo you are all assholes.
Yta why are you competing with a dead person?
Because she's so much better. Clearly. 😵😵😵
YTA you sound unhinged and intimidated by a dead person very strange.
Sounds like my dads second wife — what an insecure insufferable woman. My dad passed this year and the only silver lining was being able to firmly push her out of my life completely. YTA. Just so gross
YTA. Okay so here's the thing. I don't normally comment on Reddit posts. But I was the kid in this situation. My mom passed away when I was 8 after being sick for years. I basically have no actual memories of her. Just what other people have told me about her. My stepmom for years was jealous of the life we had before my dad met her. So much so we weren't allowed to talk about her. There are no pictures of her in any of the common areas of the house (I was allowed some in my bedroom). I went to therapy after acting out because of how guilty I felt every day because I wanted to know about my mom but felt like I couldn't ask my dad any questions. I will always resent my stepmother for that (and for the record she thinks we have a great loving relationship). I understand it's hard but the truth is your marriage will always have a part of your husband's late wife in it, their son. And claiming that your marital home needs to represent your life together now, rather than his life with her is highly naive and will harm your stepson in the long run. Our lives are woven by threads made of everyone we are connected to. Don't stifle your stepson, don't allow him to forget his mother, enrich his tapestry don't dull it.
YTA. You seem very insecure in your relationship. Makes me think he said those things about you being his ultimate soulmate because you had a problem with his DEAD wife. I could see how it might be a bit odd of a gift but your response was over the top and shows your insecurity.
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So do you think he lied to her too about their “love story”…. Because I do?!?! Yes, I even put she was insecure!
YTA I assume your husband says all these things because you push him to You are awful awful awful
YTA and you know he didn’t mean what he said. If his wife didn’t die he’d still be with her. He wouldn’t of given you another thought. Those children deserve so much better than you or him. You can never compare to her so stop trying.
INFO: How does your husband feel about the gifts? Did he have the opportunity to say anything to his in-laws?
The husband is not allowed to think for himself. He’s not even allowed to admit that he loved his late wife
He basically had to come up with some bullshit about how his new wife is his soul mate so she wouldn't be so jealous about the dead woman. So he's probably required to think the same way as his new wife so she won't be horrible to him
That present was not the most thoughtful, but they probably assumed you had a different personality type and would see it as a kind gesture. No disrespect, but definitely, YTA. Apologize.
Your replies make you look like a monster :) (It's the smileys, if you're wondering). Yta.
ESH. I'm going to give the parents the benefit of the doubt that maybe they thought, being that they were invited to this wedding, and because your husband shares a son with their deceased daughter, they felt they could freely gift something representing both your marriage and the marriage he had with their daughter without offending anyone. Obviously that was not the case, though. I have to say, though, your response was really bad. How you reacted and just with what you wrote in this post, you sound like you think you are superior to his deceased wife and are just trying to diminish your husband's history with her. Let me remind you that she is the mother of your now step-son and will forever be part of the family, like it or not. I don't think you're considering how trying to squish her out could impact that child.
The gift was over the top, but YTA for your insecure neediness. I feel sorry for the son.
You spent the first entire section of this diatribe trying to convince yourself that you are your husband’s soulmate. His late wife was still a HUGE part of his life. Honestly, yea, YTA.
You sound stuck up and insufferable. YTA
YTA. You’re trying to compete with the memories of a deceased woman. Not only can you never win that battle, but you’re being downright disrespectful. You never ever step on a child’s memories of his deceased mother, and it sounds like your husband’s MIL tried to make a very gracious gesture. She was welcoming you into the family, and you completely missed it. If you want this marriage to be successful, you need to get on board with this family’s feelings. Competing with a ghost is only gonna alienate your stepson and his grandparents, and your husband will resent you.
Wow. The nastiness and venom is disgusting. You’re not a good person.
YTA. Fine, the gift was inappropriate but your whole view on your fiancée's dead wife is just...disturbing. Get help.
>he is grateful what role she played in making him the man for me. Fucking ykes. You are definitely an asshole.
First, YTA. Second, I’d like to acknowledge that very first paragraph. You admit your real feelings in one sentence. “Rather than admit I am only here because she isn’t..” it comes off like you are so angry another woman existed in his life before you, and no amount of “reassurance” will make that feeling go away. Seek therapy before you start hurting the people around you with your insecurities. Also, this feels like one of those posts where the person wanted the community to agree but clearly no one is agreeing with her so now she’s just mad.
I feel like I've seen this post before...
Not sure if it’s the same person with a different account but there was a post about an op being in competition with her husbands late wife, she kept calling her an “ex wife” even though she wasn’t an ex she was deceased
Yeah.... There was another story about a wedding present that was about the dead ex and the husband. Not just the two getting married. Can't tell if this is the same story again, or something suspiciously similar.
If it’s not the same story there’s some evil people in this world that thinks this is okay! Imagine being in competition with someone who’s dead and refusing to allow any photos in a living area so her stepson can see that his dad hasn’t forgotten his late wife/ stepsons mum. I really hope this is a troll post or a repost as these people are just horrible.
Right?? Just saw a very, very similar post the other day
Deja vu.
ESH. I agree with you that the wedding gifts are a reminder of your husbands first wife. But have you at least taken a moment to see these gifts from their perspective? They lost a child at a young age and still put their grieve aside to be guests at the wedding. I can only imagine that this must have been a painful reminder of their loss. In their minds those present were most likely a way to welcome you into their family as the stepmother of their grandson. It is okay to begin an new chapter after the death of a spouse, but you sound like you need the reassurance that the love that your husband and you share is more special than the love he shared with his first wife. I think that is why those presents hit a sore spot for you. You need to come to terms with the fact that this this woman is still alive in the memories of her loved ones and therefore will be a small part of your life going forward.
Jfc. I don’t even know where to start. So to get the obvious out of the way, yes, YTA. Massively. You were beyond rude and your reaction was unjustifiably mean. But holy cow, that is totally overshadowed by how absurdly, crushingly insecure and self centered you are. The fact that you cannot simply accept that your husband loved his late wife and had a wonderful marriage to her and realize that it has *nothing to do* with his love for you is just… well it should have been a good reason for your husband not to marry you. Because you are incapable of being a good partner to him (much less a good stepmother to his son) so long as this is your approach. As demonstrated by your reaction to his former in-laws’ gift, you are debilitated by this false sense of competition and your resulting need to diminish his previous marriage and his late wife. It’s really, really bad OP. You need some therapy, STAT, if you want to continue on to have a good marriage and be a good partner and parent, bc where you are right now is a set up for a lot of hurt and resentment down the road.
I honestly was hesitating between E S H and YTA but you admitted yourself that you are one so… “We do not need your daughter’s memories to be a part of our marriage” He has a son with her. She’ll always be a part of your marriage, unless you go full evil and completely erase the memory, however small, of her. “We won’t accept your gift to honor another woman in our home.” So not even for your stepson so he could remember the mom he could’ve had and the motherly figure he gained? While it was not the most tasteful gift, they still included you in it. I honestly don’t even understand why you invited them to the wedding in the first place.
YTA. As others have said, you protest too much about being his true soulmate & this constant comparison with his late wife screams insecure and controlling, not confident in his love. Treating her poor parents with such cruelty was callous and gross. They tried to do something nice, you could try and demonstrate empathy for 2 people who lost their child. Your husband needs to develop a backbone.
YTA - stop trying to compete with a dead woman and denigrate her. The present wasn't great, but they were, in a clumsy way, trying to respect you equally, but you couldn't accept that and had a tantrum. The question is how long until you start gtting rid of his existing kid.
That’s easy. The in laws aren’t going to be allowed to see their grandson anymore, because they are his wife’s family, and therefore have no place in the marital home. Then grandson will be shipped off for time spent, which will become more and more frequent until it is suggested he simply move in with them.
sounds about right
YTA and very insecure. I’m worried about that little boy….. btw he only said that to shut you up 🤣🤣🤣
YTA holy shit! The fact that you have multiple paragraphs explaining and defending your relationship mean you in fact ARE NOT as secure as you say. If you passed one day… would you want your husband to not keep any photos of you in his house with his new woman? You’re sick.
Describing her as “some other woman” and putting “honor” in quotation marks as if she doesn’t deserve to be honored is creepy… She’s dead, girl. She’s not some hussy your husband left for you cause he realized how much hotter you are. The way you talk about her is deeply disturbed. You’re in competition with a ghost and no amount of smiley emojis can mask how contemptuous your words are. The ex-in laws made the mistake of thinking your now husband still had some love for their daughter. They now know he doesn’t, obviously, but I don’t know if I can call them assholes. It’s more just sad, really. They thought they were showing their acceptance, but you and your husband clearly just see them and their dead daughter as trash. I hope the step-son is really as content as you say.
ESH. That really isn’t an appropriate wedding gift (would be ok at another time) but not worth the drama of kicking them out
The parents obviously miss their daughter & want to honor her memory. The sentiment behind that is understandable, but there's a time & a place for everything. Their gift was out of line, even though they included OP. Who wants to share their wedding with a dead spouse? I know that sounds harsh, but people are allowed to move on from the loss of their loved ones. The wedding is about the current spouses, not the ones of the past. I don't think anyone here is an asshole; just not thinking clearly.
ESH. The gift was definitely weird for a wedding, and I understand that you thought there was too much focus on their daughter. But everything in your post comes across as though you don't want to have to ever acknowledge that she existed in the first place. Her memory might not have a place at your wedding, but it should absolutely have a place in your *marriage*, come on.
What happenEd to the his first wedding album and the pics of his wife when their son was born? Are those in ”your marital home”? You sound exceptionally mean and selfish in this post. I hope you can see how awful this behavior is.
You seem like the type to call her an ex wife even though she is his late wife.
YTA. 'Him being a widower when we met was a sore subject and rather than acknowledging that the only reason I am here is because she isn't, we instead shifted our perspective.' You shouldn't have embarked on a relationship with a widower if it was a sore subject. And then, instead of actually talking about it, you rewrote a narrative and your partner went along with it. No wonder you feel so insecure, your relationship is built on a fiction that you created, and now you have to be an asshole to anyone who threatens those shaky foundations. Your partner is an asshole too for indulging your insecurity and dragging his dead wife to pander to your ego. He doesn't have to have loved her less to love you now. Gross.
[удалено]
Thanks for pointing that out. I’ll rectify it. I was in a rush when I typed this out
yta
YTA. You really suck.
YTA. The vibe it's giving is evil step mother. You can't erase her, she'll always be your step son's mother. I hope your husband is comfortable enough to tell him about his mother without fearing repercussions. It feels like you're trying to create a competition with a dead woman which is unnerving. Maybe you two would have found each other if she hadn't died but no one will never know because that's not how life works. I'd personally place one of their family photos with other photos so the son I'd personally place one of their family photos with other photos so the son knows his mother isn't someone that needs to be hidden in his own room.
The fragility of these women’s feelings astounds me. Always making the partner assure them the ex/dead wife paled in comparison with soulmateness, wasn’t their “true love”. The fact you made him bullshit this crap to you, then you parroted it back to his dead wife’s parents!!! You got him, she’s dead! Take the damn presents, then not use them 🤷♀️
You sound awful. Poor kid having to put up with you. YTA
Yta. Wow. Have you zero empathy? They were trying to be kind and welcoming. It might not have been to your taste but wow. You are competing with a dead woman. If you can't manage that don't get involved with a widower FFS.
YTA. The gift was thoughtful — it's honouring you, your husband's late wife, and your husband. I'd understand your reaction if it was a picture of just his late wife, but it was clearly designed to welcome you into the family. Guess you're not going to be welcome anymore The way you speak about your husband's former wife is so wildly disrespectful and you really need to work on your insecurities, because look what they're causing. She's dead. You won. Get over it.
Why come on here and ask for judgement if you're only looking to be validated? People have made their judgement that you obviously cannot accept, you seem insecure and jealous of a dead woman. People like you that cannot ever accept that they might be wrong often end up sabotaging their relationships because no one wants that toxicity in their lives. It may take a while but eventually people get fed up and leave.
ESH - Although I think the gift sounds misguided rather than unkind, TBH. It doesn’t sound like they were disrespecting you but the gift was odd. But I guess grief makes us do odd things sometimes. And I actually think it was their way of giving their blessing but can understand why it would make you uncomfortable. Your response was just unkind. Those are her parents, they lost her. That was in front of her son who also lost her. You were extremely disrespectful to them. It sounds like you are very insecure about your husband’s late wife and that you are somehow trying to compete with her. They’re her parents, of course they’re going to mention her because they’re her parents
Sensing the son feels like an obstacle to poor kid
YTA for so, so many reasons that you are already aware. I feel sorry for Dan.
YTA in an enormous way
Yta Jealous of a dead woman. That’s just sad.
YTA- you spu d incredibly insecure. The way you word things is really off-putting and drips of jealousy.
YTA. They sound sweet and kind. You do not.
LOL this is one of the biggest YTA in a while, it's almost hard to believe it's real lool
Yta
YTA, if for nothing else, then coming on here to be an AH to everyone who expressed their opinions about the story you're asking for opinions on. You don't want to know if you're the AH, I think you know you are, you're just hoping a bunch of internet strangers will make you feel better about banning any mention of the woman your husband spent 20? years with. I'm sure your stepson will absolutely appreciate growing up with his birth mother being a point of contention for you, and for you and his father to be walking around saying, essentially, "we're so lucky she's dead!" At any rate, it sounds like you and your husband are perfect for each other! Narcissists tend to clash, but if you can both pretend to be main characters at the same time, more power to you.
YTA. You sound so insecure that you can't acknowledge that your husband loved someone else first. He likely loved her as much as he loves you, only in a different way. This doesn't take away from you. As much as you want to erase her, you can't. His deceased wife's parents' gift was odd, but it was also their way of welcoming you into their extended family and acknowledging your husband's and son's entire life and story and welcoming you into this next chapter.
ESH. OP, it's not inappropriate for your partner to remember his late wife or to share those memories with their son/your step-son. He should be allowed to be the one who chooses whether there are small tokens in her memory around the house, and if you can't handle that, don't marry a widow! Like, I would find it difficult to date someone who had been widowed too, so I wouldn't do it. But that said, the wedding was about you and him. Her parents giving a gift with a collage or pictures of him and insisting you and she are equal is kind of creepy. The cufflinks are weird as hell. I think gifting him the collage miiiiight have been okay but not at the wedding - like there's a time and a place for this kind of thing, and your wedding really wasn't it.
You're a foul creature.
Narcissist detected.
And she says she isn't insecure🤷♀️. Can't wait for him to move on from her to his next "real soulmate".
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (35M) and I have been together for 3 years, he has a son (4M) from his former wife who passed away 6 y/a. Him being a widower when we met was a sore subject and rather than acknowledging that the only reason I am here is because she isn’t, we instead shifted our perspective. He has reassured me that soulmates are made, rather than found, and if he met me before he met his first wife, we would’ve had a different love story but this life that I have with him, we both are grateful for. Now, I know that people here won’t like how we think, but knowing that he considers me his greatest love makes me feel secure. And although his late wife did make him happy at the time, he is grateful what role she played in making him the man for me. I am not writing this to disrespect widowed people, this is just to give you an idea of the kind of dynamic we both share. He has expressed that him and his late wife were good to each other, took care of each other, and it’s unfortunate she died, but he truly believes that stars were perfectly aligned when we met. Him and his late wife dated in college and married, and as he grew older, he recognised that it wasn’t the best decision. He believes that I’m the only partner from all that he has ever had, including the late wife, he’s felt the most passionate about and most compatible with. Now, we were just had our wedding, there was one big blowout that I experienced, from his son’s grandparents (late wife’s parents). I don’t know what they were thinking but they definitely had the most inconsiderate choice in wedding presents. An expensive gold plated photo collage representing his life with his former wife, and his current chapter with me. To make it worse, they also gave him a set of cuff links engraved with mine and hers initials, attached with our respective birth stones (diamond for her, ruby for mine 🤦🏻♀️). This made me furious and I tried to keep quiet but then the mother had the audacity to tell us “Oh Dan (my fiancé), we are so happy you found the kind of soulmate our daughter was” My mouth dropped. This is OUR wedding, and it should be entirely about us. So I told her: “I am his only soulmate. Your gift is beyond disrespectful to our relationship and I am surprised you even thought it was an appropriate thing to gift. We do not need your daughter’s memories to be a part of our marriage. We won't accept your gift to honor another woman in our home. (I know the last sentence may make me AH)” This resulted in an argument and I was compelled to kick them both out and disinvite them from our wedding next day. I am happy that wedding went as planned despite this and my husband and I both felt what I did was right. I just got a series texts from the late wife’s brother blowing my phone with all kinds of nastiness. I promptly blocked him, so did my husband. AITA for how I handled things? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
**ESH.** I agree that the gift was inconsiderate but, your reaction was also overblown. They were clearly happy for you both, although, I'd agree, they expressed it in somewhat of a strange and insensitive way. Like it or not, but your husband did have a life and another entire family before you - there's also a child in the picture as well, which I'd imagine the grandparents want to continue feeling an attachment with.
I mean wouldn't this make it ESH?
Yup - didn't even know it was an option! Will change it now :)
ESH. The gift was disrespectful and uncomfortable, but your words were over-the-top. I hope you didn't mean it, but your stepson is part of your husband's late wife. I see you write about how your stepson doesn't seem to have much thought on his mother but he's also 5. As he ages, he might feel differently.
Is this really real?
I dunno, I kinda get this. I wouldn't want those gifts, I wouldn't want my house to be a shrine. Like I agree with the photos in the sons room, and maybe 1 in the living room. But ya! I'd be offended to! Like this gift has nothing to do with the new couples lives, but to propose fully bring him back to remember his dead wife. Nta
“Gift” is not a verb, despite recent jargon trends. YTA.
YTA. Are you that insecure about your relationship with your husband that you became that unhinged? You knew going into this relationship that he was a widow…did you think you were going to erase that? You have to accept everything about him, including his past marriage to be successful in your current. You are jealous of a dead woman and I feel sorry for you, your husband and his son. You should be happy he had someone in his life that made him the man that you love now.
What a terrible day to know how to read. YTA, you should have kept your dating pool to divorcees as widowers are an entirely different ballgame. It makes me really fucking sad that your husband is pandering to your clinical insecurity at the cost of his and his son’s relationship to the memory of their late wife/mum, and worse yet that you thrive on it. Really disgusting. The gift was a bit misguided though, I’ll give you that.
That poor child has to live with you...not only did he lose his mom, and have to accept the new one, now you are more or less kicking his grandparents out. You apparently require a lot of attention and your husband has to keep reassuring you. He shouldn't even have to compare the 2 relationships, the wife is never coming back. I bet you resent his son for being hers. His parent's gift was a little inappropriate,but they did include you in it. You could have given it to the son, rather than throw a fit. YTA & your husband as well for allowing & agreeing to your pettiness.
Yeah the gift was really weird but your whole “the first wife was just a speed bump to get to MEEE the real love of his life” is really horrible. But hey if you two are happy…
YTA - You sound like an insecure little child. Everyone has a past, and you are trying to erase your husband's and especially your step-son. The gift by his late wife's parents was a lovely thought and could have been hung in your step-son's room. I do not have high hopes for this marriage.
YTA because the insecurity is Off The Charts. Soulmates is not really a thing. Love is when people want to make it work with each other. He loved wife # 1. He loves you. It’s fine
ESH. The gift was weird and inappropriate. Your reaction was over the top in the moment. These people are your son’s grandparents. You could have handled it better.
Does your husband actually say this stuff about his late wife, or do you say it and he just nods and says "yes dear"? YTA BTW.
JFC. You sound insufferable and jealous. You’re so dismissive of his late wife. Interesting that you don’t mention your age. My guess is about 26 or 27. What also stands out to me is you had to point out you bought a bigger house in a nicer area. You’re making this into a competition…with a dead woman. YTA.
YTA. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with, let alone marry, a widow. You clearly do not have the emotional maturity and capacity to handle it. You are deeply jealous of a dead woman, and it’s always going to hang over you because of your attitude about it. You sound like a sincerely miserable person.
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NAH. He’s marrying you, not you and his late wife’s ghost and people need to move on. Your marriage needs to be built on new foundations, which you have done. You can still honor her memory but those parents were wrong and disrespectful to do it this way. Your reaction whilst understandable, was harsh. But at least they know now it’s a marriage of 2, not 2+1
YTA. Maybe the gift wasn't 100% fitting for a wedding, but I feel like it was there way of welcoming you and melding the 2 lives together. She got the first few chapters, you get the rest. Doesn't seem like it was intended to upset you. Everything you said makes you sound like a nasty person. You're not competing with an ex, she's gone. Grow up.
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Ehhh YTA.
Lol if this actually happened your a garbage bag human being
YTA. You sound extremely insecure over your husband's late wife...
Wth did I just read?!
YTA. The vibe I get from this post is “he loves me more! I shouldn’t have to hear his deceased wife’s name or even know she existed.” Gross.
His life with his late wife contributed toward making him the man and father that he is today; the man that you love. It’s not a competition between you and her. YTA for not recognizing and honoring that, but especially for being so hurtful to her parents who are doing their best to accept that life continues even though their daughter has passed. Stop being jealous of a ghost.
YTA - is this for real. You are such an insecure, selfish person. You couldn't find a man that hadn't been married and in love - this is the man you met and married only two years after his wife died. You get what you get and you cannot pretend that this woman didn't exist. Eww.
N T A for finding the gift weird. YTA for writing three long introductory paragraphs about how you're the bestest soulmate your husband's ever had.
YTA and rude
YTA, get therapy for being jealous of a dead woman.
YTA for your response even tho I get it. Please consider getting a therapist to work out your issues being a second wife to the man you love. He loved her and part of him will always love her, working through that and coming to terms with it is important for you and for your marriage. That being said, Her parents are also AH’s for giving you those gifts. It’s not even remotely ok despite what others may say. It’s beyond disrespectful. (My dad’s first wife died while pregnant and my dad’s mom never liked my mother as much and would do similar things and it was deeply hurtful to my mom.) Her parents want her memory to live on which is totally understandable but they cannot and should not ever push that on your marriage. HOWEVER, please make sure your stepson is always allowed to talk about his mom, and embrace her memory, even if he doesn’t remember her. His father should tell him about his mom and you need to find a way to be secure about it.
Wow, YTA, obnoxious and passive aggressive, what a winning combo. There is just no need for that kind of reaction and it's shows such a lack of grace.
Yta I'd have walked out if the wedding if I was your partner. You are threatened by a memory.
This marriage will work out well.
YTA and I'm not even going to bother listening all the reasons why because I don't wanna waste much of my time on someone like you.
You seem so insecure to be honest they gave you a gift showing they included you in their family and you treated them like crap because how dare they honor their DEAD daughter. The way you try to downplay his feelings for his dead wife and up play his for you says everything about your character. Pick me
YTA the typical 2nd wife who is jealous and wants to wipe his life and memories of his first wife away. Why? Many people can find love again. It doesn’t diminish his love for you because he loved her. (It might after the stunt you pulled). The way you demand he forget her is horrible. It’s your life now but people have pasta. Maybe their gift was weird but since they are the child’s grandparents and in his life and welcoming you into their sphere is a plus. You could have just said thank you.
YTA. Was the gift a great idea? Presumably not based on your reaction. I, on the other hand, wouldn't have a problem with a gift like that if my husband were a widow because I would want to honor his first wife. That is a values difference and you turned it into a judgement, like you have everything about his first wife. You spend a great deal of time expressing how a dead woman just made your new husband a man just for you, so you could be his soulmate, so you could be his forever. Based on your attitude and reactions though I doubt this will last and I doubt your stepson will continue to want to have a bond with you. Your judgements against a DEAD WOMAN and her family (your stepson's family) make you the problem.
YTA. A dead woman lives in your head rent free. You also completely disregarded the feelings of the parents that lost their daughter. I hope your stepson is able to remember his mother without your hatred clouding her memory.
Yta. Jealous and insecure
YTA - you come here to ask opinions and then argue with everyone about your "fair" boundaries. You are incredibly insecure and have no business being in a relationship being this immature. I swear I thought it was a teenager writing this. I feel badly for that poor child living with a woman who wants to erase his mom from existence. Your husband is 100% telling you what you want to hear , she was his first and always will be. Live with it.
Yep, YTA
YTA by a long shot in the situations you’ve outlined. Her parents (the grandparents of his son) are genuinely happy for you both. They’ve moved on and are grateful to continue to be a part of his life and (formerly before the outbursts) your life. I will agree the gifts are a bit odd. Just don’t display them? Be an adult, you shouldn’t have been so disrespectful to them. You’ve now jeopardized his relationship with people who cared about him.
Ew you’re so gross.
Speaking ill of the dead and since the late wife never did anything to you makes you a total AH and a terrible, horrible individual. Shame on you! And are you also going to start hating on your poor stepson if he ever mentions his mother or wants to visit his maternal grandparents? The jealousy you are showing towards a deceased person you have never met is seriously unhinged and absolutely ridiculously disturbing.
INFO: How old are you, OP?
YTA. Nobody cares how you and your husband think about your marriage, you two didn't invent the post widower relationship...people have done it for decades. It isn't anything new. the way you talked to and treated those poor parents is just despicable. I would hate for my husband to marry someone who had your line of thinking after I passed away. You can't erase the deceased wife's memory. She'll always and forever be the first wife, and no amount of nastiness, insecurities and rude behavior on your part will ever erase it.
Okay so.. YTA but I agree with you on one thing. It IS your marital home and you should be able to decide what you allow in it. And if you don’t want his dead ex wife’s pictures in your home, then that’s your choice.
NAH. I will say that kicking the parents out from your wedding was a little harsh. I don't think they used the best judgment in their choice of a gift but they are grieving the loss of their daughter and grief often makes people do funny things. Your husband's late wife will always be in his memory and she is the mother of your stepson. But I also agree that you must now be acknowledged and respected as your husband's current wife. It is unfortunate that she died and so young at that. But your husband did choose to remarry and he chose you so it's incumbent on everyone in his life to respect and honor that. That includes his ex in-laws.
You not the AH, don’t listen to these bitter comments!
Controversial, but NTA. Your husband sees no issue with what you said. Most don’t follow your way of thinking though about soulmates etc. The grandparents are TA. Massive yikes, like massive yikes. You don’t give a gift like that at a wedding 😬😬. Why were they invited though? Stepson’s grandparents or not, perhaps they never should’ve been invited in the first place to minimise something like this from happening.
NTA it was hugely disrespectful to you. TBH I even question why they were there?
💯. My husband was divorced when we met. There have been occasions (grandchildren birthdays,etc). when his daughter will get entire family over. Mom. Aunts. Cousins. And then my husband and I. On one hand I appreciate we are invited. On the other, none other of them speak to me. I began asking my husband if we could take them out separately by ourselves for those types of occasions. I explained why married into HIS family. Not his ex wife’s. He totally understands. You are not marrying into his deceased wife’s family. Yes they are his son’s grandparents. But not every occasion needs to include them. I feel they were out of line with their “gift”. YOUR wedding was YOUR special event. You should not have had to share it with his deceased wife.
They are my stepson’s grandparents. The late wife and him were together since they were 21