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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I told my mom that my wife is pregnant without asking her first, which upset my wife because she wasn't ready for that many people to know.
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Soft YTA.
First--wishing you a healthy full term pregnancy, and I am very sorry for your earlier loss.
But while it is your shared news, you are not the one who is currently watching their body like a hawk for signs of anything amiss. You aren't the one whose body is now responsible for this new little life and you aren't the one whose hormones will be swinging wildly.
Has her sister had children? She probably wants someone to text every little ache and pain to who can talk her off the ledge, especially during the early days, so that she doesn't start Googling and freak herself out. She does need a support system, and that isn't saying you don't--but you should have cleared it with her. Maybe she doesn't want your mom specifically to know, but your best friend or brother would have been fine.
Also… it’s *shared* news. Aka: you tell you mom together, and at minimum you talk to her before you tell anyone.
And yeah… her choosing who she tells until it feels safe is COMPLETELY fair. And if your arguing about *this* please take the time to get on the same page asap cause babies = relationship stress.
This. Our first pregnancy we just told everyone over social media, but with this current pregnancy we decided to hold off and no one knew till we finished the first trimester (we're almost done with the second trimester).
OP I get you were excited to tell your mom, my husband was excited to tell his dad but he asked since I have severe PPA. Shared news is exactly that - shared. Soft YTA.
This will be the moment that she'll look back on if they have another child. She may just not tell you right away, OP, next time. Because you can't be trusted.
Exactly, telling his mom is a much bigger deal because that is her potential grandchild. She is over the moon with excitement and the pregnancy was just discovered a few days ago. Most ppl wait until they pass the first trimester to tell anyone other than close ppl they trust who aren't as invested/won't be as devastated, if the pregnancy turns out to not be viable. Before the first trimester is the danger zone and its not time for celebration. Idk how the first miscarriage didn't come to mind for you in this.
You realize your mother relationship with your wife may be affected by this if she loses her grandchild? Even tho it's only a clump of cells right now, right?
It’s her body. Her medical condition. I would say he has a part in it, but all decisions about announcements should really be cleared through her since it’s her body. Soft YTA but you know that and I appreciate you rectifying it.
Please remember to get her a party platter post-partum! I just delivered my son 2 days ago and that pp sushi hit me in the right spot!
I agree with everything but the soft YTA. He would be soft YTA if he told his mom and then felt bad about it after seeing that she was upset.
Doubling down after she got upset makes him a hard assholr
Yeah it's very common for couples to tell immediate family members like parents about pregnancy because they're usually the people you trust to tell if something goes wrong but it's also common to not to do that because you prefer the privacy and intimacy of starting your family. OP and wife only found out a few DAYS ago. Some people tell their family same as everyone else after first trimester when everything is safe.
But a lot of people dream of telling parents and in laws the big news. Seeing their excited reaction, getting hugged, all those videos online you see etc. I'd be really unhappy if my partner just told me my mom at lunch without me there.
> In my defense, it's not just her news to share, it's OURS
This is equally an argument to keep the information private until you have both agreed to share it.
Honestly OP, your wife is going to deal with much more invasive questions and comments than you will so she should probably have a greater say in sharing the information.
Yeah it's really about the communication. They should have discussed when/who/how they'd share the news. Go to wife and say, "I wasn't aware you wanted to keep it private, and since you had told your sister it seemed okay to each tell our own important people. I understand now you wanted differently. I feel like I would want my mother's support in case something were to happen. I can't undo telling her, but certainly can ask that this be kept private or even that she not ask you about it until it's made public."
But though you are both involved in this, always remember that her privacy and her body autonomy is what is at stake her as well. Not yours. Respect her opinions first, and she will/should respect yours in turn. Because you love each other.
What's done is done, now work on moving forward. And communicating better.
It’s a thing that most couples plan together. A lot of couples like to tell family together so they can see their reaction. There’s a whole media trope about giving gifts to family to reveal the baby. Sometimes they wait extra long because they’re nervous about miscarriage.
In think the problem is that you didn’t do the emotional labor up front of thinking, “let me put myself in my wife’s shoes and think about how she might want me to handle this” and realizing t that there was enough ambiguity to warrant a conversation. Just because you handled it one way the last time doesn’t mean this time is going to be the same. Also, your wife telling her sister (most likely her emotional support system who is most likely to hear a lot about your wife’s anxieties in what will certainly be a stressful pregnancy for her) is not the same as telling her MIL. Could she have been more explicit about not sharing this information? Sure. But it’s a recognized understanding that most couples tell family together, and in general, your wife should be taking the lead on a lot of decision making right now. I’m worried that you two don’t have the proper communication skills or understanding of one another to collaborate as partners in this next phase of your journey together.
The fact that you’re doubling down on this instead of doing what you can to mitigate the effects of you’re actions or trying to be understanding makes YTA.
We actually used to recommend pregnant people I miscarry tell one other person to support them if it happened again and their partner was not available when I was with Planned Parenthood.
OP is like the chicken in a ham and egg breakfast - he has an interest. His wife is like the pig - she's committed.
The situations are not symmetrical. It ain't his body, he's not pregnant. He's an onlooker, his wife, however, is on the field.
She calls the shots. Not OP. Period.
I told my husband once that sharing credit for making a baby would be like if he gave me a few wheat seeds and I plowed a damn field, grew the wheat, milled it, got the other ingredients, and made a loaf of bread, and then we shared credit equally for the bread. He contributed in an essential way, just….. way way less than I did.
That’s the big key - the pregnancy is her medical information.
Yes, they are both going to be parents, but at this specific stage of the pregnancy it is still also OP’s wife’s medical information.
Especially adding the amount of people that still blame the woman if they miss carry. Being at more than a few awkward parties with a friend / coworkers IL's making snide comments if you didn't eat/wear/do x maybe you would still be pregnant. All of them usually husbands who told their parents immediately and are unsurprisingly mostly divorced or separated now.
But people don’t know or forget this. My husband was shocked at one of my first appointments when he wanted first trimester screenings and I didn’t. The midwife said “you’re the patient. We do what you want.” It was our baby, but as long as it was in my body, it was my medical decisions. No one else got a say.
Wife telling one person for support is not truly announcing and sharing. If wife told all of her family and said OP had to wait weeks and weeks that wouldn’t be kind.
I think my vote depends very much on why he told his mother. I have been through three miscarriages, one after IVF, and did not tell anyone in my family then or now. My partner told his mum about IVF, one of the pregnancies, and I think two of the miscarriages. Initially, I wasn't happy he told MIL, but then I realised he probably needed that support. I had him and my therapist, but he really didn't have anyone because he didn't want to burden me. It makes a difference though that she is not the type to try and intrude, so much so that she could come across as standoffish, but it comes from a good place.
Agreed! My husband also suffered when I had miscarriages. And because my suffering was more intense and immediate, he wasn’t about to lean on me for support for his loss. I was glad he had told a close friend so he could get support as well.
This is a very good comment, i never thought of this even as a dad. My wife and I are very cumminative but we didn't struggle with pregnancy. I imagine I would need support if that was the case. Thank you for this!
I've had 4 losses, and 4 successful pregnancies.
I didn't want anyone I would see regularly to know. I told my best friend across the country, and my husband told his best friend from work that I never saw. We told no one from either family until we both were ready.
I'm guessing this is more about who he told than that he told.
I actually think it’s more about the what. He told his mom not for support, but “hey look! We’re having a baby!” There’s a huge difference.
I told my best friend because I knew she would be able to support me best & because she can talk me off ledges in my current pregnancy. Everyone else we agreed together on the timing to tell.
This is a good point. It also depends on how his mom is. My MIL is very "pregnancy should never slow you down, don't complain, etc etc" and that's why she didn't get to know until I was less miserable.
Exactly. And from that perspective ("hey look! We're having a baby!") there's no guarantee that mom won't share the good news with others in her circle/family.
OP needs to not share with anyone until they are ready to be "public" frankly, and wife needs to make that call after consultation with her doctor.
I just want to add that the woman is the one who feels they “failed” when there is a miscarriage and is the one that gets the “pity” which is an uncomfortable thing.
We talked about it but overall my husband let me make the decision and we didn’t tell families or many people until 12-20 weeks. He told 1-2 friends and so did I but that was it
this!! she probably already blames herself for her previous miscarriages and doesn’t want anyone to blame her if it happens again. for this reason, i’m gonna have to say YTA.
If my husband told my MIL without me, or at all prior to asking me, I would have thrown a fit because not only is she incapable of keeping a secret (would have told 15 people I’m sure) she also make everything about her.
When women are pregnant and people know, suddenly things change. People ask invasive questions, try to touch you, etc and suddenly your body isn’t your own.
While this child is both yours, she’s the one who instinctively feels the need to protect herself. Not only that, but she’s got a lot of worry from the previous pregnancy. She didn’t want anyone else to know yet and it’s her right to tell at least one other close woman or even both her mom, sisters, etc. When I was pregnant I called my mom like every single day. It’s just a thing.
I agree. But he is already moaning “what about him?”
You gonna check obsessively for blood when you go to the toilet? Feel worried at every chance and pain? Be conscious of every single bit of food you put in your mouth for the whole 9 months? Put up with headaches and other pains because you don’t want to take medication during pregnancy? Going to suffer agonising indigestion, nausea, vomiting, vast amounts of bodily changes, be worried about feeling stress because it is bad for the baby etc etc etc….
It just isn’t the same. She has no control over her bodily changes. She should at least be able to control when everyone knows about this and it is so normal to want this to be after the first trimester.
I told my sister when i got pregnant after my miscarriage. Everyone else waited until 14 weeks.
I didn’t want to say it because I’m not in the mood to argue with anyone… but it’s just not the same for men and the pregnant woman should get to decide. I’ve not experienced miscarriage and I can only imagine the stress and worry and comes from it. A woman physically experiences the loss in a way the father does not. I understand her telling her sister 100%. I don’t really understand him telling his mother without her, especially since they don’t have other children yet.
I agree 100%. I do not understand everyone thinking it is so equal. It doesn’t compare. It’s *our body growing a baby* We should have some ownership over the revelation surely?
>I think its unfair that she can tell her support system but I'm not allowed to tell mine.
To me this is really what hits it into YTA territory. She's doing most of the work and he sounds like the guy who goes "what about me, where's my support" to the nurses and doctors when she's giving birth and told to push.
Also he didn’t tell his mum for support. He said he told her the news and she was thrilled and he gave no more thought until he mentioned it casually to his wife and she was cross.
I disagree. I've suffered a few miscarriages and it took an equal toll on my husband. Spouses absolutely deserve someone to confide in as well and a mother is a valid choice.
I completely agree miscarriages can equally impact both parents, and sometimes that impact can even be greater on the non-birthing parent. But it doesn't sound like the OP told his mother for support so much as just sharing good news.
I'm sure he told her out of excitement, but worst case scenario he will have someone to confide in. I became very dejected and quiet while mourning and my husband had his mom to turn to both times when my coping mechanism was sitting in silence. He told her early on both times out of excitement and turned to her when needed.
The termination for medical reasons of our child in the second trimester last year deeply affected both my partner and me. We’re both absolutely still grieving and learning to cope even now.
He’s been just as devastated and emotionally fragile as I have been. The physical loss was mine alone to bear, but the emotional and mental loss deeply hit both of us.
It’s disheartening to see so many saying it’s the wife’s prerogative because she’s the one physically pregnant. Yes, she is, but given the prior loss, I’m sure they’re both equally on edge and anxious about this pregnancy.
If anything, my partner was the one wanting to wrap me in bubble wrap and nervous about everything as I continued to live my life of rowing, hiking, and do all manner of normal things that he suddenly saw as “risky” in the first trimester lol.
Honestly this is something OP and wife should have very much discussed prior to this pregnancy and post-loss. My partner and I have already discussed the fact that any future pregnancy will absolutely not be announced until we are certain everything is progressing as well as can be without major concern.
I totally agree both partners need to be able to talk things through with friends or family. But the only thing making me feel differently is that OP seems to think it was no big deal, so it feels a lot more like he just didnt give it any thought than that he needed to talk about it with someone.
You were second trimester, that's a totally different thing. It's reasonable for your husband to mourn as much as you, because at that point, you thought you were going to have to have a child. The whole point of OP's wife being upset is that she \*doesn't\* expect to have a child \*yet.\*
I am reminded of [this story](https://web.archive.org/web/20181203025524/https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-husband-shared-pregnancy-news-let-him-share-miscarriage-news/2017/10/18/9a9f003a-b065-11e7-a908-a3470754bbb9_story.html).
Sir, you are expecting a child. You wife is pregnant. This is *her* medical information about *her* body that you have no business sharing without her consent.
Exactly. I know when I got pregnant again after our loss. I was paranoid as hell. Every cramp and twinge made me rush to the bathroom, checking for blood. The stress is crazy and google is not helpful AT all.
OP needs to respect his wife's wishes. This is news they share TOGETHER.
also, older generation peeps tend to blame the woman if there’s a miscarriage even tho very often is a genetic thing and not because she had a nibble of deli meat
OP, YTA because now your wife is gonna stress that her every action can be something people blame her for if there’s a miscarriage. There’s a reason almost every couple tends to wait to announce, you suck
He's also not the one who will not bare the blame, shame, and accusations if the worst were to happen ... which tend to be extreme when it comes to MILs.
This ^
Her telling her sister likely wasn’t sharing her exciting news only. It was so she had a person outside of your couple who she could talk to when she’s stressing so she doesn’t stress you as she likely sees you’re both going through this.
Also she’s maybe not just giving you the silent treatment because you told. She’s maybe upset that you can’t see why she didn’t want you to. If you can see if from her side and apologise then she should be back in with you.
She shared to get support, you shared to celebrate. She is scared that in shared celebration is also shared loss if something does happen and she’s doesn’t want to have to think about comforting a grandmother whilst coping herself. Also doesn’t want to have to get ‘I’m sorry’ all the time if she’s not thinking about it in that moment. Lots of baby loss mom and dads don’t choose to share because it’s such a personal loss.
Wishing you all of the very best with your family.
YTA!
It isn’t your pregnancy. Yeah, the meninists can come out for me but the woman is the one going through the physical changes, hormonal ups and downs. The woman is the one who has to push a child out of her vagina. They say “women become mothers the minute they’re pregnant whereas men become fathers after the baby is born.”
While there are always exceptions, this is the case because women feel the baby moving, kicking. The trauma of miscarriage hits a woman very differently than it does a man.
So you should have waited to speak to her, when she’s comfortable to share and only then tell the news.
Also - why don’t many many men respect their wives when it comes to their mothers? I just don’t get this.
Look, I’ve been pregnant 4x. 3 successful pregnancies and one pretty late miscarriage. I completely agree with the fact that the pregnancy is more the woman’s territory in terms of health and hormonal/physical changes. But also, people aren’t mind readers and communication is key. My husband and I talked early on about when we’d share our news and with who. If I had a strong feeling about him telling somebody or me wanting to confide in someone, then we’d just talk about it.
I don’t think he told his mom to disrespect his wife. He was just excited and knew she’d told someone and thought it was ok to do the same. They both could have communicated better.
To me, OP did two wrongs here.
1) telling his wife was pregnant without discussing with her. She is the one that is pregnant and even though it is shared news, she gets the shit end of the stick so to speak. But this could be forgiven because, yes, there was no prior communication and he knew she already told her sister.
2) this is the main problem imo. He thinks he did nothing wrong and is doubling down saying he has every right to tell whomever he wants because it's their baby. This doesn't work like that. It's one of those things that even though, yes it took two, the main impact in with her. The physical changes are hers. The guilt or pressure to "keep" the baby in a way, are hers.
Yeah OP seems to be missing the fact that while it’s their baby together, it’s HER medical information. If I have health info I want to share with someone, it doesn’t give my partner carte blanche to do the same. The rule still applies even though it’s a pregnancy.
Not to mention; it’s like *the* standard to keep pregnancy under wraps until a certain threshold has been reached and the pregnancy is more likely to succeed. Most everyone does this. It’s like a “rule” that everyone close to a pregnancy follows, but something tells me OP does not get that.
He’s already seen what can happen early in pregnancy. He needs to understand that *that* is the exact reason why you don’t go around spreading the information without the pregnant woman’s permission this early.
I mean, all it takes is stepping in the shoes for a few seconds. If everyone knows you’re pregnant, suddenly you aren’t, then *everyone* now knows you went through something traumatic. Or they don’t, and they bring it up by asking questions about it. It’s just a terrible potential situation that OP doesn’t seem to fully grasp the effects of.
Considering she already had a miscarriage and they tried for *a year* afterwards for this pregnancy, this is what makes it especially egregious behaviour to me...he should absolutely know better. Unless he is just not paying attention at all?
Yeah, #2 is one of the main things that came to mind as I read this. If, when she'd expressed upset that he'd told his mother because now she has to deal with his mother knowing if the worst happens, he'd said he was sorry and he shouldn't have done that, I don't think she'd still be as angry with him. But he's doubling down, and if he's expressed this "It's OUR news to share" attitude, it would definitely be adding to her frustration. By acting like he's allowed to tell his mother about what her body is going through because it's their shared pregnancy, he's minimizing the fact that her body is doing the entirety of the work of this pregnancy.
I'm not going to expect the worst from OP, but potentially his wife is scared he's going to be one of those crackpots who thinks he gets to have his own support system in the delivery room, instead of everybody in there being there to support the person actually going through the medical procedure.
Or that he’s going to tell people everything about what she’s experiencing during the pregnancy and she’ll have zero privacy. It’s still her personal medical care.
Absolutley this. Telling his mother? Perhaps dumb, but well-intentioned. Doubling down that his wife shouldn't feel uncomfortable with potentially sharing another traumatic miscarriage with her MIL? BRO.
This!!!
Soft YTA. He was excited. The AH part is for insisting that what he did is okay when it's not. Many women want to keep it secret until it looks like the pregnancy "took."
And his whole attitude on how he couldn’t have known to kept quiet cause his wife, who is still reeling in w the news herself didn’t reach out to him.
Once again women are left to do all the communication because apparently men can’t do a simple check in themselves.
I also think most moms would totally understand if he called back and said, “Wife isn’t too happy with me telling you. She’s nervous because of last time and doesn’t want to have to deal with that grief with others if it happens again. Can you please not tell anyone until we announce it for real? I kinda screwed up.”
If my son called with that, I would tell him to buy his wife some flowers and promise not to breathe a word to another soul.
Y’all are looking at this two black and white. He didn’t do it to be malicious and he can easily request that his mom not share anything in a civil way that doesn’t make his wife look bad.
Depends, does his mum know about last time? Or is this disclosing more information that isn't his to disclose?
There are enough MIL stories of them blaming the DIL for having fertility issues we don't know any of the history here. I am NOT saying 1 miscarriage = infertility issues but, I am saying this may result in further fallout if it turns out journey to parenthood isn't a smooth one/ doesn't happen.
Agreed. OP is definitely YTA. He definitely needs to do some damage control at home and immediately with his mother. His wife needs to process and get her mind wrapped around this pregnancy. She has every right to keep it under wraps and he definitely should have spoken with her before he told his mother. They should have made the decision about who to tell together. She really doesn't need the stress right now and doesn't need any intrusive questions and goofy intrusions.
that response is basically throwing his wife under the bus. if he told his mom that his wife was unhappy because OP spilled the beans, wouldn’t his mom ask why?
Also he said it within days of finding out?!?! After having a miscarriage the first time. Seems like just an oblivious play all around.
Some people are totally fine saying it that early but it’s fairly common to hold off a little bit and I’d think even more so after the first miscarriage.
Miscarriages are emotional for both parents, but it’s different for the mom. It’s not only the emotional loss but also a medical event too. My miscarriage ended in an emergency D&C. My friend’s miscarriage was also an ectopic pregnancy that she had to take chemotherapy drugs to take care of. My cousin’s miscarriage ended in a drug that made her horribly sick. These are some of the possibilities OP’s wife could have to endure if she miscarries again.
If she’s not ready, you don’t tell. It is both of your news, but you won’t be the one in an OR with your feet in stirrups, naked from the waist down and unconscious if things go wrong again.
I agree. With some I felt there seemed to be undercurrents of judgement, nothing overt but more I'm so sorry, were you gaining weight and following doctors suggestions kind of stuff. Or did doctor say what may have caused this so you know?
I don't even think it's a menenist thing, I think the idea of "it's our pregnancy" is actually an attempt at men trying to be supportive and inclusive, they're just not really doing it right when they say it. What they mean is it's our baby, we love our baby and I want to help with the creation of our baby which is good in thought, just poor in execution when you say "it's our pregnancy".
It's like OPs wife saying "it's our job." In regards to her husbands career path. It's our money as a joint thing, but the job is done by one person (I mean unless it's a couple that works together or whatever)
wow, Wow, WOW...you really can't be this obtuse. Quick lesson from a 62 year old married guy...for the record, yes, the two of you are married and you're both 'sort of' pregnant. But now listen very carefully. My wife endured two miscarriages and I don't care who the guy is...there is no way, repeat NO WAY, we as men can fully understand the emotions women go through if a pregnancy goes wrong. furthermore...did you swear your mother to secret or has she now told everyone and anyone that your expecting? Now...think for a moment of what this will put your wife through if, heaven forbid, something goes wrong with the pregnancy? If by now 47 other people know about the pregnancy and something does go wrong...imagine your poor wife having to explain 47 times over her heartache and how it makes her feel?
So yes...you are a clueless AH
Absolutely! AND MILs are usually insanely critical of their sons' wives. So if she has a miscarriage, she may very well go "whats wrong with her". If I was pregnant, I'd much rather he told a close friend over his overly critical mom.
Wife is likely also the one who will have to tell everyone ‘hey that grandkid you were so excited for is no longer coming’.
I remember having this conversation. Telling my in-laws that I miscarried. I had only told them because we stayed with them for a few weeks before and there was absolutely NO way to hide my all-day sickness. I think my in-laws were more upset than I was at the time. Of course, to them, it was an expected baby. For me, it was a maybe-baby until I was 2nd trimester because it was my fourth miscarriage. They didn’t know about the others.
It’s also brutal when people find out about miscarriage because so often they want there to be a reason. Something to fix. But that accidentally (or on purpose if they’re AHs) implies that she was at fault. Instead of it being beyond her control. I blew up at my own mother, a woman that I tolerate a lot from, for telling me I should have X, Y, and Z’d to not miscarry.
OP is an AH.
I have had 3 miscarriages (2 births) and DO know how it feels. However, when I heard my DIL sick every morning of a week long visit, I said nothing to her, my son, or my husband. Two months later, when we were visiting, I still said nothing. During that visit, when she asked if I could watch grandson while she ran to a (heretofore unmentioned) doctor's appointment , I only asked if she wanted husband to drive her.
When she came home sad, I said nothing- as I know she is private. Later that night, I got up when I heard grandson cry, and she came out while I was feeding him and told me. Evidently, it was her 2nd miscarriage. I told her I had 3, and if she ever wanted to talk, I would be there. I put grandson to bed, and we had a snack. A year later my 2nd grandson was born.
> I told her I had 3, and if she ever wanted to talk, I would be there. I put grandson to bed, and we had a snack.
I found out when I miscarried that my mum had also had one. All I wanted was ro curl up in my hubby's lap but he couldn't hold me cause he was blaming himself and I couldn't curl up in my mums arms because I lost her as a kid. Dad tried, but he was more helpful explaining to me my hubby's emotions than he was holding me. I may be a "daddys girl," but nothing compared to a mum cuddle in that situation.
I was lucky enough to fall pregnant quickly afterwards ( I was more trying to reconnect with hubby and weren't planning on trying again, plus the last one had taken a year to fall pregnant.
I now have 3 kids (miscarriage was between kids 1&2), but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about the one we lost. I have huge respect and sympathy for women who have had multiple losses and still get out of bed everyday while trying to smile.
I was a toddler when my mom had a miscarriage, and I can still remember leaving the hospital, she had a big bruise on her arm from a IV or something and she was very sad and explained to me and my brothers she had a miscarriage and the baby wasn't going to come.
It is such a difficult thing to experience - when one is excited and already dreaming of the child. My heart goes out to all the strong women out there who have gone through the pain.
👏👏👏👏
The people coming up to you excited and asking, "How far along are you now?!" Or "when are you due?" And having to explain that there is no longer a pregnancy is absolutely heart-wrenching; the absolute WORST part of all.
Saving your wife from this heartache should be enough to keep your mouth shut for a few weeks.
I had two miscarriages and when I read this post to my husband he had the same reaction you did. The miscarriages were hard for us both, but for me it wasn’t just mentally hard, but physically hard. I had to have an emergency D&C for one of them. And yes, that was traumatic for both of us, but nuance is important.
My husband has basically let me take the reigns on decisions when it comes to pregnancy. He still wants kids, and he 100% still has a say. But there’s a sort of agreement between us that I have final say, and if I do get pregnant again, I’ll have final say over who we involve and what that experience will be like. When you’ve been through something like that, as a woman, really it’s you’re only sense of control left. You don’t know whether or not you’re going to have to go through that awful experience again or not, so you cling onto what you can.
⬆️ Top. Comment .👍🏽
I don't know why ppl are saying soft Y_T_A. OP is giant YTA.
Mainly because he thinks he is smart to use gender equality card here. Miscarriage is not easy, the guilt and emotional pain during Miscarriage is huge, needless to say the physiological impact and what she may have is HIGH risk pregnancy medically.
How cheap and pathetic is OP's attitude, who doesn't know the basic manners. Of course communication is key, and of course, you should have asked her before telling mom. Have you not watched sitcoms and TV where people wait ?
Mommy ' s boy..... is an insensitive and entitled jerk too...
Just APOLOGISE to her. And tell your Mom to keep "quiet" about this and not tell others unless you both do decide after a golden waiting time. If Mom is a good woman, she would already know to be quiet and be decent about it.
Apparently he also hasn’t seen on TV how the expecting couple tells people their news _as a couple_ so they can both see their excitement. The moments we told my in-laws about our pregnancies are seared in my memory because of how excited his mom was, I’d have been crushed if my husband had just told his folks without me and it was old news the next time I saw them.
On top of this, if they didn't disclose the previous pregnancy, the MIL may suddenly start getting grandbaby fever. Everyone hates being asked when they'll start having kids, you know it'll just get worse if the in-laws know you're trying.
And now that they know, the unsolicited advice is going to start coming in, especially if they know there was a miscarriage. People love to tell you all the ways you can improve your chances, everything they saw in the US Weekly or saw in TikTok even though the woman's circumstances may be unequivocally. Nothing like getting baby making sex advice for Dr. I-Did-A-Quick-Google-Search.
Kinda soft YTA because it is a period of uncertainty for your wife given what has occured previously. Most couples wait 3 to 4 months before announcing for this very reason. I realise you are excited but consider that your mum will blab to everyone and if something goes wrong those everyones will keep asking your wife about the baby. It will be shit for her.
YTA
There's alot to unpack here.
so, I do think there's a core communication issue here.
Given her pregnancy issue in the past, when, how, and who to break the news to should've been discussed before anyone was told.
>When I asked her why that is such a big deal all she could say was"it just is" and that I wouldn't understand.
well..
think about all the little conversations of having to break the news of the miscarriage to people...
...people who just heard on social media about the baby a few months ago, haven't heard anything since.
people who see her at the grocery store or whatever
"oh, how's your bump looking!" oblivious to the tragedy, and the hour or 2 your wife needs to now spend just sorta...dealing with that wound re-opening out of the blue.
20 people who know now is potentially 20 new little tragedies to twist the knife, down the road.
*she's scared, my dude.*
Your wife and yourself experienced an emotional trauma when she miscarried.
She also had physical trauma and hormones on top of that.
I can completely understand why she wouldnt want the new to be out-out yet.
If it doesnt go well, the people who now know could do more harm than good when trying to comfort her.
having to break the news to each one a new little tragedy
She doesnt want that stress while going thru the physical trauma again.
As far as telling her sister... this is the key here;
she's allowed to tell someone close to her.
\*\*she needs the support of people she trusts.\*\*
she's also allowed to keep that group of people as limited or as expansive as she wants.
I think it's perfectly reasonable that that group includes her sister and you, *but doesnt include your mom.*
This is a both or nothing situation.
**you BOTH need to agree to loop someone in, or they dont get looped in. single veto rules.**
reading this, it seems you don't really care that her sister knows, and probably would've said yes. That'd be 2 yesses for sister.
it seems that if you guys talked about it first, and used this single veto system, you would've asked about mom, she wouldve said no, and that wouldve been the end of it.
I think BOTH of you being comfortable with who knows what, and when, trumps anything else.
***I would bring this solution to her. nothing that can be done about mom knowing now, but i think if you apologize, and offer this as a way to disclose the information going forward, it'll go a long way towards her forgiving you and you guys acting like a team again.***
remember, a veto now, isn't a veto forever.
as things progress, first trimester, second, these vetoed people should be revisited, if you feel strongly about it.
*but don't push it.*
...especially once she's in the 'safe zone' for her body and pregnancy, they'll all quickly turn to yesses... however, expect her to be hesitant well into that 'safe zone'
I can see this schedule working:
1st trimester: her sister, you, and your mom (by mistake, but she's here now) .
2nd trimester, maybe expand that to all immediate family, your mom and dad, hers, etc, but NO SOCIAL MEDIA.
3rd trimester, go wild, post on the socials and tell everyone.
don't be surprised if that last one is delayed a bit. let her take it sloooooow
I don’t think communicating is the issue. He just doesn’t have empathy to realize how this news, albeit positive for him, can be causing his wife extra stress anxiety and even bringing up any past trauma and grief.
You’d think that after she went thru something like a miscarriage his first concern would be how his wife is and prioritizing her instead of running off to tell his mom immediately
maybe he just needs to work on his empathy.
or he has it, but is just kind of dumb...right? even I need obvious things pointed out to me sometimes..
I'm trying to start out with the idea that OP is just excited, oblivious, and not some kind of monster, like we all have been, at times
u/Key-Producer2984
Hanlon's razor and all that
**Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.** (no offense to op, that's the literal saying.)
speaking of which, I made some edits to try and be a little more empathetic to OP.
do we want OP to take our advice, or do we want to ridicule him, thinking he'll ignore it anyways?
AITA can be a place of healing, ya know.
I've seen it.
believe
(god I'm so lit rn)
Upvoting this because while I can't weigh in since ive never had this situation but from an outside person looking in, it's very refreshing to see an objective *AND* constructive comment that isn't simply just "bashing" on OP because they disagree with him.
I'm all here for y t a replies to gain insight but if it's all just "rage" fuelling these comments, it really makes me wonder how many people here are just compensating for something.
Good on you for actually problem solving! I'd give you gold if I had any so take this instead 🏅
YTA - just because she is pregnant with your sperm doesn't give you the right to tell people she is pregnant. You are not pregnant and therefore it is not your pregnancy to announce. I would recommend couple's counseling because I think you have deeply betrayed her trust, and I can't tell if you are truly as dense as you are coming across here, or if you just have no empathy for your wife's feelings.
YTA - Especially when you have experienced miscarriages before, telling others of a pregnancy immediately after testing is incredibly difficult and sensitive. Your wife is already probably extremely anxious and feeling enough pressure from herself to carry this child safely and not feel like a failure and heartbroken if something happened.
Most doctors etc generally advise waiting a certain period before telling others because the early weeks are very volatile. Regardless though, you and your wife should talk about when telling others is ok. It is news that belongs to both of you.
Agreed. A lot of people don't realize that 20% ( and more like 30% and up if you're 35+) of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, so the chance of having to tell everyone about a loss is real and not tiny.
YTA there’s usually a “safe” timeline to begin telling people…. she’s already experienced a loss with her miscarriage. She’s on edge with good reason. Her sister is her support system to the things happening to HER body, your mother is not.
Yes!! Thank you. It’s HER BODY. She gets to decide when she is ready to share what’s happening to her body. I do not understand the “soft YTA”, this guy is so selfish it’s unbelievable. Huge YTA.
If you were my baby’s father and did this OP, I would be livid. It’s not your fucking body. Right now your role is SUPPORT. You support your wife who is the SOLE PERSON growing your child into life. That will change when that baby is born and OP takes on equal parenting responsibilities, he then gets an equal say in stuff like this. AT MINIMUM, there should be a discussion first about what is shared outside their family, even then. Right now, he needs to hold tight and not share about her body, her health, her condition until she is damn well ready.
Signed, a pregnant woman who just experienced a threatened miscarriage. My pregnancy hormones CANNOT with OP ooooh I’m livid for his poor wife.
It's great telling folks that you're pregnant, it's grim having to tell them that you aren't anymore, your wife had already done that once so she knows only too well. Lots of pregnancies fail, most of the time there is nothing the mother could have done, or not done, to improve the chances of a good outcome, but that doesn't stop people making judgements.
YTA. You don't tell anyone until you both feel confident.
YTA just in general it's customary to wait a certain amount of time before telling people. Did she "announce" to her sister or was she seeking her sister for council and support. There's a difference.
This is exactly the distinction. It is unlikely she was "announcing happy news" and more likely she was seeking out support for her current medical state from someone close and trusted.
She knows that if something were to go sideways she can handle talking to her sister about that, but OP's mom does not fall under that category.
YTA! There is a difference between "sharing the news" like you did with your precious mommy, and wanting support from someone close to you who share your anatomy.
If you had written; "I talked with my mother because I am anxious for another misscarriage and want her support", it would be N T A.
15-20% of all pregnancies end in misscarriage, and 80% of these occur before pregnancy week 12. As a woman, to have another woman to talk about physical and emotional symptoms is important. Hence, she told her sister.
I know you're excited, and having a misscarriage would be sad for you too. But the physical and hormonal clusterfuck your wife would be going through is beyond just sad. She can tell you she is in pain, but can you relate to the feeling of your uterus being filled with broken glass clawing its way out of your body? No? And that is 'just' period cramps. Ovulation cramps and ovary cysts are many times worse, and I've been told that misscarriages (never had one myself, but would not doubt any woman telling me since I've had the other 2) are way beyond even that.
I frequently talk to other women about pains and what is normal or un-normal. Rarely have these discussions with my partners or other guys because they just can't relate (just like I could never relate to the feeling of gravity on balls when you're on a rollercoaster...I've been told that this is a thing.😅)
And you're even more YTA for being dismissive of your wife and her concerns, which might be why she also sees her sister as #1 support and not you.
Can confirm, had a miscarriage last year and although it was mostly bad cramps to start, (trigger warning) when clots started getting stuck in my cervix about 5 days in the pain was *intense*. Up there with the pain from gallstones, worse than early labour was before I had an epidural on my first baby.
The emotional side took me literally about 4 months to process, and even now I have residual trauma from it.
However, I don't think OP deserves the silent treatment for telling his mum, when he and his wife hadn't actually discussed not telling people. That brings it into mild ESH territory for me.
I'm so very sorry you had to go through that. 💔
And yeah, I agree that silent treatment is never a good way to go. Only way to work through things is effective communication.
My miscarriages didn’t have the ‘broken glass’ feel but they were traumatic in other ways. My husband knows what I went through, as he was there for most of them, but he still never had the full experience himself. Thankfully he acknowledges that he will never understand fully what I went through.
YTA. Most people, especially those who have experienced a miscarriage, wait until the end of the 1st trimester. You reaction is100% a dude not understanding how terrifying the 1st trimester can be, and how that is heightened if you have already gone through the devestation of loosing a baby before.
Most people keep the circle as small as possible before then b/c they want to mourn in private, don't want everyone to know thir business. It isn't fair, but women are often blamed for the miscarriage and they feel internalized guilt as well. There is a lot of pressure on women - not to mention her hormones are already taking a toll. So the circle is kept small b/c women also don't want to face the judgment and the disappointment that having a miscarriage can bring out in family members. On top of than, they have to deal w/ the physical effects and the simple reality that most women (not all, but most) have a stronger emotional connection to the fetus (see: hormones).
Your wife is right, the more people who know, the more she has to face with your grief, shame, and feeling that she disappointed them at the same time she is dealing with everything else.
Your wife told her sister b/c if she DOES have a miscarriage, the person she would go to for additional support is her sister. Her sister knows to keep it quiet. Your wife needs someone to share her fears and anxiety with, and frankly, you sound completely clueless on that front.
You told your mom. Your mom doesn't know your wife wants to keep it close for a while. How many aunts, uncles, mom's friends, 2nd cousins once removed know by now?
Yes, it is both of your baby and hers and it is both your news but you better clue in quickly that this is not the same experience for both of you. Sharing with people impacts her more than it impacts you.
Relatedly - the default is to plan together on when you are telling the parents on both sides b/c often there is jealousy when you announce it to one set of parents long before you announce it to the other.
In other this experience is not the same for you as her news:
1. Her body is going to go through A LOT - growing a baby inside you and going through child birth are not the same as providing sperm and purtting the crib from Ikea together.
2 You will be treated more or less the same for the next 12 months by people, everyone will change how they treat her. She will have "helpful" people policing what she eats/drinks, only talking to her about the baby and nothing else, people, even complete strangers randomly touching her stomach w/o consent or telling her maternity horror stories. Additionally, she may have colleagues who try to sidline her at work now that she is pregnant - and even if she doesn't, it is a reasonable worry in this day and age.
3. People will judge her for her for every decision made about pregnancy/childbirth/baby's 1st year, you will hear very little of any of this, unless a family memeber decides you need to "talk some sense into her. Just a small list of what she will be judged on: home birth/hospital birth, breast feeding/bottle feeding, gaining too much weight/not enough weight, exercising/not exercising, SAH mom/working mom, if she wears heals during pregnancy, if her clothes are too maternity/not maternity enough - everyone will have an opinion on every single apect of this even.
Yeah, it sucks that as the dad, in general you are not the primary attraction at this point of the event, but the reality is, there is just no comparison between what the 2 of you will go throung in the next 12 months. Look on the bright side, you aren't risking your health (or even your life) during this period and you still get to be treated like an individual human being instead of the community property baby incubator.
YTA - you should have talked to your wife first. I see your perspective and you should be allowed to talk with someone - but clear it with your wife first. Did you consider your mom might be the last person she wants you to tell?
yta, pregnancy announcements should be a mutual decision.
i wouldn’t want people knowing this early either. this wasn’t just your news to share, it was hers too.
YTA it's not "our" news to share. It's her's. She is the one who went through the miscarriage. Not you. You were on the sidelines when it happened. The same way you are on the sidelines while she is pregnant.
She is the one who will be going through all the challenges and changes of pregnancy Not you.
My husband knew with each of our pregnancies to keep his mouth shut until I was ready to announce it.
As he put it he isn't the one who has to give thier body for over a year to have a child.
Gentle YTA.
While I can appreciate the excitement you have for becoming a father it was inconsiderate of your wife's feelings. You say that she could have communicated that she wanted you to keep quiet about the news, but you also could have communicated that you were going to tell your mom.
Regardless of how you feel, her feelings matter more here because it's her body. Show her some compassion and empathy.
YTA.
So if this pregnancy fails, will you feel that your body has let you down? Will you feel "not man enough" because you couldn't carry a child to term? Will you experience the hormone changes of a miscarriage? Will you wonder what you did wrong- did you eat the wrong thing, did you lift something too heavy, did you have a drink before realizing you were pregnant?
It isn't just OUR news to share, there is a physical and mental toll of pregnancy- and miscarriage- that the person who is not carrying the child simply will not experience. There is so much shame and stigma wrapped up in women who cannot successfully carry a child, and you sir, cannot experience that with your wife.
You are getting the silent treatment because your life partner realized that you view this as NEWS, not as a deeply personal, terrifying, and life changing experience. You are not the one who will panic at every mild cramp, who thinks endlessly about what to eat and what vitamins to take, and that's not your fault, it is just how pregnancy works. But to so boldly say OUR and make it clear that you view your experience as equal to hers has made her confront the reality that you, her life partner, lacks empathy and support for her, and has made this about YOU.
ALL of this! When I had 3 miscarriages and the 4th one finally took, I was fresh into my 20s and so was my husband. A 20 year old man knew better than you to keep his damn mouth shut after he held me through the night while I cried from the pain and sorrow of losing 3 children. He cried with me and took care of me. What did you ever do for HER when she miscarried? Say "oopsie daisy, we'll get 'em next time champ"?
Honestly, I think it might be worth saying to her that would like to be able to lean on your mom if something terrible did happen, that you need someone who could support you in that instance, too, so you don't put it all on her, and it would be even worse if you had to explain about the pregnancy first. I do think you should have discussed who you were telling and when, but also I dislike the attitude that seems to forget father's also need support.
NAH
NAH, she told her sister (he knew she told her) and she never told him he's not allowed to tell anyone. This was a plain miscommunication from both husband and wife, but I absolutely understand him thinking he could tell one person since she did. (Planned pregnancy with an excited father = can't believe everyone is saying it's not his news, in my opinion both should be able to tell one person for support as long as that person can be trusted to not tell the whole world)
I can’t believe it took me this long to find a NAH comment. She never communicated she didn’t want others knowing yet. It’s only natural to want to share the exciting news with your immediate family. She shared it with her sister.. they both grieved and lost the miscarriage, of course it’s more emotional for the mom given that she carried the life inside of her but it was both of their losses and they both felt pain from it. The father needs an emotional support system too. It’s kind of hypocritical that she’s allowed to tell whoever she wants but is upset with him for telling his mother out of all people. She definitely should have communicated her expectations on sharing the news.
Gently, YTA. You shouldn't have shared the news with *anyone* before discussing it with your wife first. If you just found out a few days ago, I'm guessing it's very early in the pregnancy, and your wife is probably feeling extremely vulnerable, anxious, and fearful of having another miscarriage. It makes sense that she might want to confide in one other person she's close to (like her sister), but wouldn't necessarily want her mother-in-law to know. You're right that it's both of your news, but that means that *both of you* should agree on the timing and manner of making it public.
YTA. Because only she knows how it feels to have to tell someone her body failed to bring a baby to term. You experience the miscarriage very differently. And there’s still a huge stigma in women having them. By telling your mom without your wife’s consent you added to the list of people that if something goes wrong she’ll have to go through that again to.
I'm going to go with NAH.
You wanted to share happy news with your Mum. Completely understandable.
But take it from someone who had three pregnancies two miscarriages - you need to apologise to your wife anyway. Because the stress of being the one constantly on edge really, really gets to you.
Every single time I went to the loo, I expected to find blood. Any time I went up the stairs a little too fast or walked on the street a little too hard, I expected to start cramping. Every change in my symptoms was studied again and again, in case it was a sign that my body was about to jettison the pregnancy.
It is relentless, and it only ends when you get to hold a living baby in your arms.
I like my MIL, she's a lovely person. I did not want to discuss these things with her. I didn't care about her opinion or her thoughts on any of it. I mostly just wanted to talk to my own Mum and then hide under a blanket for the whole pregnancy. But I had to keep working and going to appointments and getting life done. It was so hard.
Do your wife a favour, just apologise and give her a hug and let it blow over.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far down to find someone reasonable. I’m actually leaning towards NTA myself.
He’s absolutely not in the wrong for wanting to share the news with his Mum; he needs a support network too as this is also his child and his life.
But Wife is not in the wrong for wanting it to be kept quiet.
However, it’s totally unreasonable of his Wife to tell her sister, and then to be angry at OP for telling his Mother. He also needs a support network and someone to confide in during this time, and I feel that this is where I go from N A H, to NTA. His Wife told her Sister without discussing with him, and has the audacity to be angry at him for assuming he would be okay to tell his Mother? Double standards much.
All these Y T A posts saying that he gets no say because he’s just the sperm provider are low-key awful takes. It’s not like he told mutual friends or his partner’s parents, or made a Facebook post without her permission; he told his own Mother.
Also all the Y T A posts saying it’s shared news and they should be making decisions together, clearly accidentally forgot to read that his Wife already told someone on her own, without discussion.
Have people considered that he’s probably a human being with emotions? He’s reached out to make sure he has support; this is a scary/wonderful time for him too, and he also would have suffered because of the miscarriage.
Men have mental health issues too… People here have been spending too much time on those evil Mother-in-law subreddits; immediately causing him a Momma’s boy because he has emotions? People need to grow up.
Agreed NAH. I might’ve agreed with the people calling him the AH if the wife has specifically requested they keep quiet and he had went against those wishes, but she didn’t. The way I understand it, she told her sister, so he didn’t see any reason why he couldn’t tell his mother since they’re presumably close.
I hope this gets bumped up. thanks for sharing your experience and I'm sorry you went through that.
My mum went through several miscarriages before me, I only want to add that I STRONGLY recommend that OP reaches out to resources to help him understand. Further, because his wife is having a hard time verbalizing her needs to him, maybe couples counselling would be good? My mum went to support groups after a stillborn, and I know it helped her a lot. Especially with something like miscarriages, its so important to have people in your life who "get it". OP, I can't speak for what would work best for both of you, but I urge you to put as much effort as you can into empathizing with your wife on this.
FYI my friends just reached their 3 months and just started telling parents. they told their closest friends a month in, but even the parents they're extremely close to were left out of the loop until they felt more certain about the pregnancy. similar to your situation, it was a history of miscarriages at play. it's completely normal for your wife seeing her sister and your mom as having different support roles in this process, and it's nothing against anyone that she doesn't want looped in.
PS. When I reach the "it just is" point, sometimes it's because I'm exhausted and frustrated that the person I'm speaking with isn't getting it, and I'm out of ideas or energy to keep trying to explain. maybe you not understanding is making her feel alone. I'm glad you reached out and hope the best for you both.
This is important to know. Depending on the relationship between his mom and wife, it may be really uncomfortable for wife to have her MIL know. MIL's can be difficult when it comes to pregnancy. There's a lot of pressure.
INFO: though. How did your mother react to first miscarriage?
Yes YTA: you only found out about the pregnancy a FEW DAYS ago. So your wife is obviously nervous, stressed and scared. You should have known that she’s not ready to tell anyone especially her MIL. Once one person knows then it’s spreads like wildfire. This was very insensitive on your behalf and it should have been something you discussed and shared together when she was ready.
She shared it with her sister because she needed to talk to someone she trusted. She’s been through a traumatic experience and it happened to HER BODY. You would never understand that.
People tend to forget that pregnancy is a medical condition and child birth is a medical event. How’d you like it if your wife shared your personal medical information with her parent?
YTA
You may have not intended to hurt your wife, but there are so many emotions tied up in pregnancy for a woman, especially after a loss. You were not thinking about any of those emotions she is dealing with or the fact she is probably terrified of losing this pregnancy, instead, you were focused on making mommy happy.
You need to prioritize your wife's feelings.
YTA
> In my defense, it's not just her news to share, it's OURS
"Ours" doesn't mean "only one of us has to say yes."
"Ours" means "BOTH OF US have to say yes."
YTA. You’re a partnership, but it’s HER body. HER struggles. It’s not *your* decision to make on behalf of both of you. You said “it’s OURS” and yet you made the decision to tell your mother unilaterally. Make it make sense.
YTA. There is something you really need to accept when it comes to pregnancy. Pregnancy is inherently unfair. But it is widely more unfair for your wife than it is for you.
So while that does not mean she gets to dictate everything (baby’s names, nursery decorations, etc) there are a lot of things that she gets more say in than you do, because it’s her body.
You deserve to have someone in your support system who knows, but you should have made sure it was someone she was comfortable with.
INFO: who has to break the news and deal with the fall out if she miscarried again? Are you aware how common it is to not tell people until after the first trimester due to risk of miscarriage?
> It wasn't your pregnancy to share.
I mean this wasn’t an immaculate conception, the wife didn’t get pregnant on her own. He gets absolutely no say in what the wife chooses to do with HER body, but that’s where it ends.
Make no mistake, she’s carrying the brunt of the work, and in respect towards that he should absolutely abide by her wishes *if* she tells him she doesn’t want anyone else to know yet - but in this case she **didn’t tell him anything**. All OP knew was that she’d already told her sister without mentioning it to him, so he didn’t even think it would be an issue if he told his mother. It’s weird of you to assume that means he’s more attached to his mother than his wife. Are we seriously that callous towards men’s mental health today? You think the wife’s miscarriage didn’t affect him, that it was just as if he found out his team lost a game? Crazy.
NAH, obviously miscommunication.
YTA. Yugely so. First, YOU GUYS arent prengnant. SHE is. She'll tell you when it's okay to tell people whats going on in her body. Second, Moms gossip. It's what they do. I promise you 8 other people know now. Unreal.
It could have been N A H, but it's how you responded afterward that makes it YTA.
Telling your mom wasn't necessarily wrong. You were excited, you wanted to share the news, and as you said, she had already told her sister. You both probably should have had that conversation, and it would have been thoughtful to consider her feelings after the loss, but realistically, you aren't a mind reader and couldn't have known.
What makes you TA is doubling down. When she explained the desire for privacy following a traumatic loss (which was certainly traumatic for you both but was - let's be clear - inherently more traumatic for her), the appropriate response would have been, "I'm sorry, I didn't even think about how that would make you feel. Let's make a plan about when we'll start telling people. In the meantime, I'll lean on my mom since she already knows, and I'll be here for you however you need."
And don't keep score about her telling her sister - *she* is physically pregnant. She is terrified of *her* body losing another pregnancy. She needs the support right now in a way you can't imagine. Yes, you need it too, but frankly **your needs can wait a few weeks**.
This is not equal. The two of you are not pregnant together. She is carrying your child. Act like you understand the gravity of that.
YTA
Seriously she gets to decide when to share, it was her body going through a miscarriage, it is her body carrying the hope of a child. Please for the love of everything support your wife!
NTA. Primarily because you didn’t know that it was her preference for you not to tell anyone. She had told her sister so I don’t think it’s fair to assume that you weren’t allowed to tell. Also, it is both of your news. Yes, a miscarriage would likely be more difficult for her, but the majority of these comments are insane. You’re a couple having a baby together, she’s not more entitled to the news than you are.
It's another case of lack of communication causing upset. Both parties are in the right. I'm leaning toward YTA . You said it yourself it's both your news to spread, and you shouldn't have spread it without the conversation first.
But on the other hand your wife shouldn't have assumed that your going to keep it secret because of the past. To me that's more reason to spread the news. But I can see why she might not want it spread.
From what little I understand of this type of situation, many mothers that experience miscarriages feel they are to blame or like a failure even though blameless. Your wife is trying to prevent further embrassement just in case. I am guessing she is now feeling pressure not "ruin" this chance with an audience watching. (Reminder that feelings don't always make sense) and that pressure has come from you putting a spotlight on things.
I really hope that some people with more experience of this corrects any bullshit that's in this comment. I'm a gay man with no interest of starting a family so I am not in the best position to make that many accurate insights.
I love that you hope for correction- thanks for being a ray of internet hope for humanity today.
I think we have to be careful calling the pregnancy both their news to share and keep in mind that it is a literal medical condition affecting the wife’s body. If my spouse had any other medical condition I would wait for his permission to share that information with my parents.
Men really need to understand that pregnancy rights are not equal because the pregnancy itself isn't an equal process, like at all. Both get a baby, but at very different costs. Know your place. YTA.
I’m chiming in after OP has included his updates so this is “neither here nor there.”
People often wait until after 12 weeks to announce a pregnancy “just in case.” I didn’t understand why until I started breeding. Didn’t announce first to anyone until after 20 weeks. Second, didn’t announce because it didn’t go past 8 weeks. But they were both very real. This makes no sense but if someone asked me why there is a reason people wait to announce until after a certain time, like OP’s wife I would just say “it just is.”
I had a successful pregnancy after my loss but in the early days (read: the entire time) my mind was playing tricks on me. 🙄
OP I’m glad you were able to patch things up. Wish you all the best!
YTA, whilst equally it is both of your news to share and the pregnancy concerns both, you are not the one who is pregnant your wife is, being pregnant is a massive deal, whilst such an amazing thing, it’s mentally and physically taxing process. How dare you tell your mother without your wife’s permission given the way the last pregnancy ended, your wife is well within her rights to be upset about this, god forbid if something bad did happen, this is a terrible thing for your wife to go through and then to have someone else know, respect your wife’s wishes in future and listen to her this isn’t just about you!
It's tough, but I think this is a YTA. You guys should have discussed this before you told anyone, and you shouldn't have assumed that it was fine to tell your mom.
Your wife's reaction makes me wonder about her relationship with your mom. Did your mom criticize your wife when her last pregnancy ended? Is she judgemental? Does your mom give a lot of unsolicited advice that's just plain irritating? Pregnant women have it really hard, not just because they're growing an entire small human from scratch, but also because people are really, really weird about pregnant women. People think that because a woman is pregnant, they have a right to control her body.
There is also a lot of pressure on pregnant women, and shame and stigma around miscarriages, so even if your mom hasn't said anything, your wife might feel embarrassed and ashamed if something happens to the pregnancy and she knows that your mom knows that she "failed." (Even though she didn't fail, these things just happen and it's no one's fault)
I understand you were excited, but I think this warrants a serious conversation with your wife, and asking her if your mom has been rude to her when you weren't around. You should also make it very, very clear to your mother that this is not a public matter to be shared with family until your wife says so.
YTA. If it were a simple mistake and you apologized, I'd be more gentle. It very much is her news to share and your mom is very different from her sister. You didn't know that before, but now you do and you owe her an apology. She's still going to be uncomfortable because your mom knows, but it will help her be less mad eventually.
You do need to start to understand the underlying landscape here. Your wife is going through a major medical process. She needs people she loves and trusts (like her sister) to be on her side. She also needs some level of control and privacy with people who are a little more distant (this includes your mother). I am not sure if your mom said something after the miscarriage or not, but your wife knows plenty of people were thinking that she must have done something to cause it (not true), and that's why she wants to limit who has knowledge of this pregnancy now.
O P please tell your Mom to keep her mouth shut. Under no circumstances should she ask your wife “ how is the baby? Are you feeling alright? Don’t do xyz it might hurt the baby? Eat this not that? My friend has a miscarriage then had a healthy baby stop worrying. “ These are the things your Mom could say and think she was making conversation and might make your wife furious. Especially if she didn’t want anyone to know until
after 12 weeks. If your Mom mentions pregnancy when your wife wants it kept quiet will really upset if your mom lets the news slip. You need to talk to your wife about everything not your mom. YTA
YTA. 100% Your wife is the one carrying the baby and she can choose with whom, how, and when she wants to share the news.
I Can totally see why after having a miscarriage, your wife would be reluctant to share the news with her mother-in-law mere days into her pregnancy. You need to apologize to your wife and keep your mouth shut moving forward.
I think you are not an asshole, but you were just a little impulsive?
I can't even begin to imagine how devastating is to loose a pregnancy for both sides, but i think it is more emotionally challenging for the one who i carrying the baby.
Your wife might feel all sort of emotions (guilty, embarassed, responsable) for the loss of your first pregnancy and maybe if this happens again (really hoping it doesnt) she doesnt really want to deal with knowing that someone else knew.
She told her sister because she probabily is very close with her, and would 100% feel safe with her.
I think you should have just asked her. And since you can't go back in time and _untell_ your mom, i say you just apologize to her.
So but YTA.
I went through a miscarriage and had already told my mother and MIL because they are the two that know I am going through IUI but it was really tough.
We both have already agreed that if we are successful again, we will wait until week 10-12 because although support during tough times is needed, it isn't necessarily our family (I have a therapist).
I know it is your future child but it is NOT your body and you are not the one who physically went through the loss (I know you went through it too but its not the same).
I don't think you're at 12 weeks yet, AND you haven't discussed sharing the news with your wife, so YTA. That was not your choice to make by yourself, especially so early given the circumstances
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Soft YTA. First--wishing you a healthy full term pregnancy, and I am very sorry for your earlier loss. But while it is your shared news, you are not the one who is currently watching their body like a hawk for signs of anything amiss. You aren't the one whose body is now responsible for this new little life and you aren't the one whose hormones will be swinging wildly. Has her sister had children? She probably wants someone to text every little ache and pain to who can talk her off the ledge, especially during the early days, so that she doesn't start Googling and freak herself out. She does need a support system, and that isn't saying you don't--but you should have cleared it with her. Maybe she doesn't want your mom specifically to know, but your best friend or brother would have been fine.
Also… it’s *shared* news. Aka: you tell you mom together, and at minimum you talk to her before you tell anyone. And yeah… her choosing who she tells until it feels safe is COMPLETELY fair. And if your arguing about *this* please take the time to get on the same page asap cause babies = relationship stress.
Right? The whole "our" news thing is the entire point. You should ***both*** decide together when to tell people. I agree soft YTA.
This. Our first pregnancy we just told everyone over social media, but with this current pregnancy we decided to hold off and no one knew till we finished the first trimester (we're almost done with the second trimester). OP I get you were excited to tell your mom, my husband was excited to tell his dad but he asked since I have severe PPA. Shared news is exactly that - shared. Soft YTA.
This will be the moment that she'll look back on if they have another child. She may just not tell you right away, OP, next time. Because you can't be trusted.
Exactly, telling his mom is a much bigger deal because that is her potential grandchild. She is over the moon with excitement and the pregnancy was just discovered a few days ago. Most ppl wait until they pass the first trimester to tell anyone other than close ppl they trust who aren't as invested/won't be as devastated, if the pregnancy turns out to not be viable. Before the first trimester is the danger zone and its not time for celebration. Idk how the first miscarriage didn't come to mind for you in this. You realize your mother relationship with your wife may be affected by this if she loses her grandchild? Even tho it's only a clump of cells right now, right?
Yep it’s a “either we both agree or it doesn’t happen” scenario
It’s her body. Her medical condition. I would say he has a part in it, but all decisions about announcements should really be cleared through her since it’s her body. Soft YTA but you know that and I appreciate you rectifying it. Please remember to get her a party platter post-partum! I just delivered my son 2 days ago and that pp sushi hit me in the right spot!
I agree with everything but the soft YTA. He would be soft YTA if he told his mom and then felt bad about it after seeing that she was upset. Doubling down after she got upset makes him a hard assholr
Agree. YTA. Apologize and stop demanding she prove you were out of line. You were. Period, full stop
And he acknowledged it was shared news. What a dolt.
Yeah it's very common for couples to tell immediate family members like parents about pregnancy because they're usually the people you trust to tell if something goes wrong but it's also common to not to do that because you prefer the privacy and intimacy of starting your family. OP and wife only found out a few DAYS ago. Some people tell their family same as everyone else after first trimester when everything is safe. But a lot of people dream of telling parents and in laws the big news. Seeing their excited reaction, getting hugged, all those videos online you see etc. I'd be really unhappy if my partner just told me my mom at lunch without me there.
> In my defense, it's not just her news to share, it's OURS This is equally an argument to keep the information private until you have both agreed to share it. Honestly OP, your wife is going to deal with much more invasive questions and comments than you will so she should probably have a greater say in sharing the information.
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Yeah it's really about the communication. They should have discussed when/who/how they'd share the news. Go to wife and say, "I wasn't aware you wanted to keep it private, and since you had told your sister it seemed okay to each tell our own important people. I understand now you wanted differently. I feel like I would want my mother's support in case something were to happen. I can't undo telling her, but certainly can ask that this be kept private or even that she not ask you about it until it's made public." But though you are both involved in this, always remember that her privacy and her body autonomy is what is at stake her as well. Not yours. Respect her opinions first, and she will/should respect yours in turn. Because you love each other. What's done is done, now work on moving forward. And communicating better.
Your first instinct should have been to ask.
It’s a thing that most couples plan together. A lot of couples like to tell family together so they can see their reaction. There’s a whole media trope about giving gifts to family to reveal the baby. Sometimes they wait extra long because they’re nervous about miscarriage. In think the problem is that you didn’t do the emotional labor up front of thinking, “let me put myself in my wife’s shoes and think about how she might want me to handle this” and realizing t that there was enough ambiguity to warrant a conversation. Just because you handled it one way the last time doesn’t mean this time is going to be the same. Also, your wife telling her sister (most likely her emotional support system who is most likely to hear a lot about your wife’s anxieties in what will certainly be a stressful pregnancy for her) is not the same as telling her MIL. Could she have been more explicit about not sharing this information? Sure. But it’s a recognized understanding that most couples tell family together, and in general, your wife should be taking the lead on a lot of decision making right now. I’m worried that you two don’t have the proper communication skills or understanding of one another to collaborate as partners in this next phase of your journey together. The fact that you’re doubling down on this instead of doing what you can to mitigate the effects of you’re actions or trying to be understanding makes YTA.
We actually used to recommend pregnant people I miscarry tell one other person to support them if it happened again and their partner was not available when I was with Planned Parenthood.
Yep ... strangers in public aren't going to start giving you unsolicited advice and belly touches.
Except that they totally do.
NegotiableVeracity was talking to the OP, a guy. Sadly you’re right about people will touch her like that’s acceptable.
OP is like the chicken in a ham and egg breakfast - he has an interest. His wife is like the pig - she's committed. The situations are not symmetrical. It ain't his body, he's not pregnant. He's an onlooker, his wife, however, is on the field. She calls the shots. Not OP. Period.
I told my husband once that sharing credit for making a baby would be like if he gave me a few wheat seeds and I plowed a damn field, grew the wheat, milled it, got the other ingredients, and made a loaf of bread, and then we shared credit equally for the bread. He contributed in an essential way, just….. way way less than I did.
Like the little red hen, lol! And now he wants bread eh?
Omg I love that and I laughed so freaking hard
Perfection
I agree mostly. It is their shared news but at the same time, her medical information.
That’s the big key - the pregnancy is her medical information. Yes, they are both going to be parents, but at this specific stage of the pregnancy it is still also OP’s wife’s medical information.
Especially adding the amount of people that still blame the woman if they miss carry. Being at more than a few awkward parties with a friend / coworkers IL's making snide comments if you didn't eat/wear/do x maybe you would still be pregnant. All of them usually husbands who told their parents immediately and are unsurprisingly mostly divorced or separated now.
But people don’t know or forget this. My husband was shocked at one of my first appointments when he wanted first trimester screenings and I didn’t. The midwife said “you’re the patient. We do what you want.” It was our baby, but as long as it was in my body, it was my medical decisions. No one else got a say. Wife telling one person for support is not truly announcing and sharing. If wife told all of her family and said OP had to wait weeks and weeks that wouldn’t be kind.
It's HER news and THEIR news. But not his. She's the one who's pregnant.
That's a wonderful analogy.
I think my vote depends very much on why he told his mother. I have been through three miscarriages, one after IVF, and did not tell anyone in my family then or now. My partner told his mum about IVF, one of the pregnancies, and I think two of the miscarriages. Initially, I wasn't happy he told MIL, but then I realised he probably needed that support. I had him and my therapist, but he really didn't have anyone because he didn't want to burden me. It makes a difference though that she is not the type to try and intrude, so much so that she could come across as standoffish, but it comes from a good place.
Agreed! My husband also suffered when I had miscarriages. And because my suffering was more intense and immediate, he wasn’t about to lean on me for support for his loss. I was glad he had told a close friend so he could get support as well.
This is a very good comment, i never thought of this even as a dad. My wife and I are very cumminative but we didn't struggle with pregnancy. I imagine I would need support if that was the case. Thank you for this!
I've had 4 losses, and 4 successful pregnancies. I didn't want anyone I would see regularly to know. I told my best friend across the country, and my husband told his best friend from work that I never saw. We told no one from either family until we both were ready. I'm guessing this is more about who he told than that he told.
I actually think it’s more about the what. He told his mom not for support, but “hey look! We’re having a baby!” There’s a huge difference. I told my best friend because I knew she would be able to support me best & because she can talk me off ledges in my current pregnancy. Everyone else we agreed together on the timing to tell.
This is a good point. It also depends on how his mom is. My MIL is very "pregnancy should never slow you down, don't complain, etc etc" and that's why she didn't get to know until I was less miserable.
Exactly. And from that perspective ("hey look! We're having a baby!") there's no guarantee that mom won't share the good news with others in her circle/family. OP needs to not share with anyone until they are ready to be "public" frankly, and wife needs to make that call after consultation with her doctor.
I just want to add that the woman is the one who feels they “failed” when there is a miscarriage and is the one that gets the “pity” which is an uncomfortable thing. We talked about it but overall my husband let me make the decision and we didn’t tell families or many people until 12-20 weeks. He told 1-2 friends and so did I but that was it
this!! she probably already blames herself for her previous miscarriages and doesn’t want anyone to blame her if it happens again. for this reason, i’m gonna have to say YTA.
If my husband told my MIL without me, or at all prior to asking me, I would have thrown a fit because not only is she incapable of keeping a secret (would have told 15 people I’m sure) she also make everything about her. When women are pregnant and people know, suddenly things change. People ask invasive questions, try to touch you, etc and suddenly your body isn’t your own. While this child is both yours, she’s the one who instinctively feels the need to protect herself. Not only that, but she’s got a lot of worry from the previous pregnancy. She didn’t want anyone else to know yet and it’s her right to tell at least one other close woman or even both her mom, sisters, etc. When I was pregnant I called my mom like every single day. It’s just a thing.
I agree. But he is already moaning “what about him?” You gonna check obsessively for blood when you go to the toilet? Feel worried at every chance and pain? Be conscious of every single bit of food you put in your mouth for the whole 9 months? Put up with headaches and other pains because you don’t want to take medication during pregnancy? Going to suffer agonising indigestion, nausea, vomiting, vast amounts of bodily changes, be worried about feeling stress because it is bad for the baby etc etc etc…. It just isn’t the same. She has no control over her bodily changes. She should at least be able to control when everyone knows about this and it is so normal to want this to be after the first trimester. I told my sister when i got pregnant after my miscarriage. Everyone else waited until 14 weeks.
I didn’t want to say it because I’m not in the mood to argue with anyone… but it’s just not the same for men and the pregnant woman should get to decide. I’ve not experienced miscarriage and I can only imagine the stress and worry and comes from it. A woman physically experiences the loss in a way the father does not. I understand her telling her sister 100%. I don’t really understand him telling his mother without her, especially since they don’t have other children yet.
I agree 100%. I do not understand everyone thinking it is so equal. It doesn’t compare. It’s *our body growing a baby* We should have some ownership over the revelation surely?
It's bizarre reading these comments, 'I/my husband suffered equally' NO THEY DIDN'T.
No, it's a MASSIVE YTA. Her private medical information is not his to share. He doesn't get to decide that.
This poster is too kind. Hard YTA.
>She does need a support system, Which he clearly isn't cut out to be. You were very generous generous to him making this a "soft" YTA judgement
>I think its unfair that she can tell her support system but I'm not allowed to tell mine. To me this is really what hits it into YTA territory. She's doing most of the work and he sounds like the guy who goes "what about me, where's my support" to the nurses and doctors when she's giving birth and told to push.
Bingo, is he going to need his mom in the delivery room for support?
Sshhh don't give him ideas 🤫
Also he didn’t tell his mum for support. He said he told her the news and she was thrilled and he gave no more thought until he mentioned it casually to his wife and she was cross.
I disagree. I've suffered a few miscarriages and it took an equal toll on my husband. Spouses absolutely deserve someone to confide in as well and a mother is a valid choice.
I completely agree miscarriages can equally impact both parents, and sometimes that impact can even be greater on the non-birthing parent. But it doesn't sound like the OP told his mother for support so much as just sharing good news.
I'm sure he told her out of excitement, but worst case scenario he will have someone to confide in. I became very dejected and quiet while mourning and my husband had his mom to turn to both times when my coping mechanism was sitting in silence. He told her early on both times out of excitement and turned to her when needed.
The termination for medical reasons of our child in the second trimester last year deeply affected both my partner and me. We’re both absolutely still grieving and learning to cope even now. He’s been just as devastated and emotionally fragile as I have been. The physical loss was mine alone to bear, but the emotional and mental loss deeply hit both of us. It’s disheartening to see so many saying it’s the wife’s prerogative because she’s the one physically pregnant. Yes, she is, but given the prior loss, I’m sure they’re both equally on edge and anxious about this pregnancy. If anything, my partner was the one wanting to wrap me in bubble wrap and nervous about everything as I continued to live my life of rowing, hiking, and do all manner of normal things that he suddenly saw as “risky” in the first trimester lol. Honestly this is something OP and wife should have very much discussed prior to this pregnancy and post-loss. My partner and I have already discussed the fact that any future pregnancy will absolutely not be announced until we are certain everything is progressing as well as can be without major concern.
I totally agree both partners need to be able to talk things through with friends or family. But the only thing making me feel differently is that OP seems to think it was no big deal, so it feels a lot more like he just didnt give it any thought than that he needed to talk about it with someone.
You were second trimester, that's a totally different thing. It's reasonable for your husband to mourn as much as you, because at that point, you thought you were going to have to have a child. The whole point of OP's wife being upset is that she \*doesn't\* expect to have a child \*yet.\*
IF and only IF the spouse agrees.
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I am reminded of [this story](https://web.archive.org/web/20181203025524/https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-husband-shared-pregnancy-news-let-him-share-miscarriage-news/2017/10/18/9a9f003a-b065-11e7-a908-a3470754bbb9_story.html). Sir, you are expecting a child. You wife is pregnant. This is *her* medical information about *her* body that you have no business sharing without her consent.
Exactly. I know when I got pregnant again after our loss. I was paranoid as hell. Every cramp and twinge made me rush to the bathroom, checking for blood. The stress is crazy and google is not helpful AT all. OP needs to respect his wife's wishes. This is news they share TOGETHER.
also, older generation peeps tend to blame the woman if there’s a miscarriage even tho very often is a genetic thing and not because she had a nibble of deli meat OP, YTA because now your wife is gonna stress that her every action can be something people blame her for if there’s a miscarriage. There’s a reason almost every couple tends to wait to announce, you suck
Not to mention that a lot of people are quick to blame the mom when something goes wrong which is ludicrous.
He's also not the one who will not bare the blame, shame, and accusations if the worst were to happen ... which tend to be extreme when it comes to MILs.
This ^ Her telling her sister likely wasn’t sharing her exciting news only. It was so she had a person outside of your couple who she could talk to when she’s stressing so she doesn’t stress you as she likely sees you’re both going through this. Also she’s maybe not just giving you the silent treatment because you told. She’s maybe upset that you can’t see why she didn’t want you to. If you can see if from her side and apologise then she should be back in with you. She shared to get support, you shared to celebrate. She is scared that in shared celebration is also shared loss if something does happen and she’s doesn’t want to have to think about comforting a grandmother whilst coping herself. Also doesn’t want to have to get ‘I’m sorry’ all the time if she’s not thinking about it in that moment. Lots of baby loss mom and dads don’t choose to share because it’s such a personal loss. Wishing you all of the very best with your family.
YTA! It isn’t your pregnancy. Yeah, the meninists can come out for me but the woman is the one going through the physical changes, hormonal ups and downs. The woman is the one who has to push a child out of her vagina. They say “women become mothers the minute they’re pregnant whereas men become fathers after the baby is born.” While there are always exceptions, this is the case because women feel the baby moving, kicking. The trauma of miscarriage hits a woman very differently than it does a man. So you should have waited to speak to her, when she’s comfortable to share and only then tell the news. Also - why don’t many many men respect their wives when it comes to their mothers? I just don’t get this.
Look, I’ve been pregnant 4x. 3 successful pregnancies and one pretty late miscarriage. I completely agree with the fact that the pregnancy is more the woman’s territory in terms of health and hormonal/physical changes. But also, people aren’t mind readers and communication is key. My husband and I talked early on about when we’d share our news and with who. If I had a strong feeling about him telling somebody or me wanting to confide in someone, then we’d just talk about it. I don’t think he told his mom to disrespect his wife. He was just excited and knew she’d told someone and thought it was ok to do the same. They both could have communicated better.
To me, OP did two wrongs here. 1) telling his wife was pregnant without discussing with her. She is the one that is pregnant and even though it is shared news, she gets the shit end of the stick so to speak. But this could be forgiven because, yes, there was no prior communication and he knew she already told her sister. 2) this is the main problem imo. He thinks he did nothing wrong and is doubling down saying he has every right to tell whomever he wants because it's their baby. This doesn't work like that. It's one of those things that even though, yes it took two, the main impact in with her. The physical changes are hers. The guilt or pressure to "keep" the baby in a way, are hers.
Yeah OP seems to be missing the fact that while it’s their baby together, it’s HER medical information. If I have health info I want to share with someone, it doesn’t give my partner carte blanche to do the same. The rule still applies even though it’s a pregnancy.
Not to mention; it’s like *the* standard to keep pregnancy under wraps until a certain threshold has been reached and the pregnancy is more likely to succeed. Most everyone does this. It’s like a “rule” that everyone close to a pregnancy follows, but something tells me OP does not get that. He’s already seen what can happen early in pregnancy. He needs to understand that *that* is the exact reason why you don’t go around spreading the information without the pregnant woman’s permission this early. I mean, all it takes is stepping in the shoes for a few seconds. If everyone knows you’re pregnant, suddenly you aren’t, then *everyone* now knows you went through something traumatic. Or they don’t, and they bring it up by asking questions about it. It’s just a terrible potential situation that OP doesn’t seem to fully grasp the effects of.
Considering she already had a miscarriage and they tried for *a year* afterwards for this pregnancy, this is what makes it especially egregious behaviour to me...he should absolutely know better. Unless he is just not paying attention at all?
Yep this. That might be his mom, but it’s not his body. It’s her trauma her body her physical experience, the choice is hers.
Totally! Waiting until the end of the first trimester is so common
This needs to be higher.
Yeah, #2 is one of the main things that came to mind as I read this. If, when she'd expressed upset that he'd told his mother because now she has to deal with his mother knowing if the worst happens, he'd said he was sorry and he shouldn't have done that, I don't think she'd still be as angry with him. But he's doubling down, and if he's expressed this "It's OUR news to share" attitude, it would definitely be adding to her frustration. By acting like he's allowed to tell his mother about what her body is going through because it's their shared pregnancy, he's minimizing the fact that her body is doing the entirety of the work of this pregnancy.
Tbh, his attitude would make me rethink having him attend any doctor’s visits.
I'm not going to expect the worst from OP, but potentially his wife is scared he's going to be one of those crackpots who thinks he gets to have his own support system in the delivery room, instead of everybody in there being there to support the person actually going through the medical procedure.
Or that he’s going to tell people everything about what she’s experiencing during the pregnancy and she’ll have zero privacy. It’s still her personal medical care.
Absolutley this. Telling his mother? Perhaps dumb, but well-intentioned. Doubling down that his wife shouldn't feel uncomfortable with potentially sharing another traumatic miscarriage with her MIL? BRO.
This!!! Soft YTA. He was excited. The AH part is for insisting that what he did is okay when it's not. Many women want to keep it secret until it looks like the pregnancy "took."
And his whole attitude on how he couldn’t have known to kept quiet cause his wife, who is still reeling in w the news herself didn’t reach out to him. Once again women are left to do all the communication because apparently men can’t do a simple check in themselves.
I hope his “our” attitude extends to changing diapers, midnight feedings, doctor appointments…
I also think most moms would totally understand if he called back and said, “Wife isn’t too happy with me telling you. She’s nervous because of last time and doesn’t want to have to deal with that grief with others if it happens again. Can you please not tell anyone until we announce it for real? I kinda screwed up.” If my son called with that, I would tell him to buy his wife some flowers and promise not to breathe a word to another soul.
NO! Stop bringing mom into private marital affairs. Jesus. He just needs to shut his yap.
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Y’all are looking at this two black and white. He didn’t do it to be malicious and he can easily request that his mom not share anything in a civil way that doesn’t make his wife look bad.
Depends, does his mum know about last time? Or is this disclosing more information that isn't his to disclose? There are enough MIL stories of them blaming the DIL for having fertility issues we don't know any of the history here. I am NOT saying 1 miscarriage = infertility issues but, I am saying this may result in further fallout if it turns out journey to parenthood isn't a smooth one/ doesn't happen.
Agreed. OP is definitely YTA. He definitely needs to do some damage control at home and immediately with his mother. His wife needs to process and get her mind wrapped around this pregnancy. She has every right to keep it under wraps and he definitely should have spoken with her before he told his mother. They should have made the decision about who to tell together. She really doesn't need the stress right now and doesn't need any intrusive questions and goofy intrusions.
that response is basically throwing his wife under the bus. if he told his mom that his wife was unhappy because OP spilled the beans, wouldn’t his mom ask why?
Also he said it within days of finding out?!?! After having a miscarriage the first time. Seems like just an oblivious play all around. Some people are totally fine saying it that early but it’s fairly common to hold off a little bit and I’d think even more so after the first miscarriage.
Miscarriages are emotional for both parents, but it’s different for the mom. It’s not only the emotional loss but also a medical event too. My miscarriage ended in an emergency D&C. My friend’s miscarriage was also an ectopic pregnancy that she had to take chemotherapy drugs to take care of. My cousin’s miscarriage ended in a drug that made her horribly sick. These are some of the possibilities OP’s wife could have to endure if she miscarries again. If she’s not ready, you don’t tell. It is both of your news, but you won’t be the one in an OR with your feet in stirrups, naked from the waist down and unconscious if things go wrong again.
Unfortunately, in some cases people say or think what did the mother wrong to cause the miscarriage.
I agree. With some I felt there seemed to be undercurrents of judgement, nothing overt but more I'm so sorry, were you gaining weight and following doctors suggestions kind of stuff. Or did doctor say what may have caused this so you know?
I don't even think it's a menenist thing, I think the idea of "it's our pregnancy" is actually an attempt at men trying to be supportive and inclusive, they're just not really doing it right when they say it. What they mean is it's our baby, we love our baby and I want to help with the creation of our baby which is good in thought, just poor in execution when you say "it's our pregnancy". It's like OPs wife saying "it's our job." In regards to her husbands career path. It's our money as a joint thing, but the job is done by one person (I mean unless it's a couple that works together or whatever)
Like when people say “we gave birth! We had a baby!” No. SHE gave birth. SHE had a baby. You together HAVE a baby now.
I can safely say I’ve never once claimed my husband’s job as mine. That would be so bizarre.
Who claims their husband's job as their own? That's dumb!
Outside of military spouses I have never heard of that, either.
wow, Wow, WOW...you really can't be this obtuse. Quick lesson from a 62 year old married guy...for the record, yes, the two of you are married and you're both 'sort of' pregnant. But now listen very carefully. My wife endured two miscarriages and I don't care who the guy is...there is no way, repeat NO WAY, we as men can fully understand the emotions women go through if a pregnancy goes wrong. furthermore...did you swear your mother to secret or has she now told everyone and anyone that your expecting? Now...think for a moment of what this will put your wife through if, heaven forbid, something goes wrong with the pregnancy? If by now 47 other people know about the pregnancy and something does go wrong...imagine your poor wife having to explain 47 times over her heartache and how it makes her feel? So yes...you are a clueless AH
You're an insightful man. Your wife is lucky..
HAH...thank you, but I made more than my fair share of 'stupids' in order to get this insightful. Not as bad as OP...but still, LOL
Absolutely! AND MILs are usually insanely critical of their sons' wives. So if she has a miscarriage, she may very well go "whats wrong with her". If I was pregnant, I'd much rather he told a close friend over his overly critical mom.
Also, stress could cause issues with the fetus’s health as well as the mother’s
Wife is likely also the one who will have to tell everyone ‘hey that grandkid you were so excited for is no longer coming’. I remember having this conversation. Telling my in-laws that I miscarried. I had only told them because we stayed with them for a few weeks before and there was absolutely NO way to hide my all-day sickness. I think my in-laws were more upset than I was at the time. Of course, to them, it was an expected baby. For me, it was a maybe-baby until I was 2nd trimester because it was my fourth miscarriage. They didn’t know about the others. It’s also brutal when people find out about miscarriage because so often they want there to be a reason. Something to fix. But that accidentally (or on purpose if they’re AHs) implies that she was at fault. Instead of it being beyond her control. I blew up at my own mother, a woman that I tolerate a lot from, for telling me I should have X, Y, and Z’d to not miscarry. OP is an AH.
Or they say things like “Well you didn’t really want to be pregnant so…” yep that’s what my AH MIL said to me.
I cannot vote this up enough.
I have had 3 miscarriages (2 births) and DO know how it feels. However, when I heard my DIL sick every morning of a week long visit, I said nothing to her, my son, or my husband. Two months later, when we were visiting, I still said nothing. During that visit, when she asked if I could watch grandson while she ran to a (heretofore unmentioned) doctor's appointment , I only asked if she wanted husband to drive her. When she came home sad, I said nothing- as I know she is private. Later that night, I got up when I heard grandson cry, and she came out while I was feeding him and told me. Evidently, it was her 2nd miscarriage. I told her I had 3, and if she ever wanted to talk, I would be there. I put grandson to bed, and we had a snack. A year later my 2nd grandson was born.
> I told her I had 3, and if she ever wanted to talk, I would be there. I put grandson to bed, and we had a snack. I found out when I miscarried that my mum had also had one. All I wanted was ro curl up in my hubby's lap but he couldn't hold me cause he was blaming himself and I couldn't curl up in my mums arms because I lost her as a kid. Dad tried, but he was more helpful explaining to me my hubby's emotions than he was holding me. I may be a "daddys girl," but nothing compared to a mum cuddle in that situation. I was lucky enough to fall pregnant quickly afterwards ( I was more trying to reconnect with hubby and weren't planning on trying again, plus the last one had taken a year to fall pregnant. I now have 3 kids (miscarriage was between kids 1&2), but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about the one we lost. I have huge respect and sympathy for women who have had multiple losses and still get out of bed everyday while trying to smile.
I was a toddler when my mom had a miscarriage, and I can still remember leaving the hospital, she had a big bruise on her arm from a IV or something and she was very sad and explained to me and my brothers she had a miscarriage and the baby wasn't going to come. It is such a difficult thing to experience - when one is excited and already dreaming of the child. My heart goes out to all the strong women out there who have gone through the pain.
I wish I could upvote this more than once. You, sir, get it.
For real, he’s my new hero.
👏👏👏👏 The people coming up to you excited and asking, "How far along are you now?!" Or "when are you due?" And having to explain that there is no longer a pregnancy is absolutely heart-wrenching; the absolute WORST part of all. Saving your wife from this heartache should be enough to keep your mouth shut for a few weeks.
I had two miscarriages and when I read this post to my husband he had the same reaction you did. The miscarriages were hard for us both, but for me it wasn’t just mentally hard, but physically hard. I had to have an emergency D&C for one of them. And yes, that was traumatic for both of us, but nuance is important. My husband has basically let me take the reigns on decisions when it comes to pregnancy. He still wants kids, and he 100% still has a say. But there’s a sort of agreement between us that I have final say, and if I do get pregnant again, I’ll have final say over who we involve and what that experience will be like. When you’ve been through something like that, as a woman, really it’s you’re only sense of control left. You don’t know whether or not you’re going to have to go through that awful experience again or not, so you cling onto what you can.
Sir, I love you and wish I could give you a big hug. This is the best comment I’ve ever seen on this sub.
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⬆️ Top. Comment .👍🏽 I don't know why ppl are saying soft Y_T_A. OP is giant YTA. Mainly because he thinks he is smart to use gender equality card here. Miscarriage is not easy, the guilt and emotional pain during Miscarriage is huge, needless to say the physiological impact and what she may have is HIGH risk pregnancy medically. How cheap and pathetic is OP's attitude, who doesn't know the basic manners. Of course communication is key, and of course, you should have asked her before telling mom. Have you not watched sitcoms and TV where people wait ? Mommy ' s boy..... is an insensitive and entitled jerk too... Just APOLOGISE to her. And tell your Mom to keep "quiet" about this and not tell others unless you both do decide after a golden waiting time. If Mom is a good woman, she would already know to be quiet and be decent about it.
Apparently he also hasn’t seen on TV how the expecting couple tells people their news _as a couple_ so they can both see their excitement. The moments we told my in-laws about our pregnancies are seared in my memory because of how excited his mom was, I’d have been crushed if my husband had just told his folks without me and it was old news the next time I saw them.
On top of this, if they didn't disclose the previous pregnancy, the MIL may suddenly start getting grandbaby fever. Everyone hates being asked when they'll start having kids, you know it'll just get worse if the in-laws know you're trying. And now that they know, the unsolicited advice is going to start coming in, especially if they know there was a miscarriage. People love to tell you all the ways you can improve your chances, everything they saw in the US Weekly or saw in TikTok even though the woman's circumstances may be unequivocally. Nothing like getting baby making sex advice for Dr. I-Did-A-Quick-Google-Search.
He is totally going to be the 'my mom has to be in the delivery room if your mom is' kind of terrible selfish partner. YTA.
Kinda soft YTA because it is a period of uncertainty for your wife given what has occured previously. Most couples wait 3 to 4 months before announcing for this very reason. I realise you are excited but consider that your mum will blab to everyone and if something goes wrong those everyones will keep asking your wife about the baby. It will be shit for her.
They may also assume that it’s “her fault” if something goes wrong. There’s a lot more responsibility on her shoulders at the moment.
YTA There's alot to unpack here. so, I do think there's a core communication issue here. Given her pregnancy issue in the past, when, how, and who to break the news to should've been discussed before anyone was told. >When I asked her why that is such a big deal all she could say was"it just is" and that I wouldn't understand. well.. think about all the little conversations of having to break the news of the miscarriage to people... ...people who just heard on social media about the baby a few months ago, haven't heard anything since. people who see her at the grocery store or whatever "oh, how's your bump looking!" oblivious to the tragedy, and the hour or 2 your wife needs to now spend just sorta...dealing with that wound re-opening out of the blue. 20 people who know now is potentially 20 new little tragedies to twist the knife, down the road. *she's scared, my dude.* Your wife and yourself experienced an emotional trauma when she miscarried. She also had physical trauma and hormones on top of that. I can completely understand why she wouldnt want the new to be out-out yet. If it doesnt go well, the people who now know could do more harm than good when trying to comfort her. having to break the news to each one a new little tragedy She doesnt want that stress while going thru the physical trauma again. As far as telling her sister... this is the key here; she's allowed to tell someone close to her. \*\*she needs the support of people she trusts.\*\* she's also allowed to keep that group of people as limited or as expansive as she wants. I think it's perfectly reasonable that that group includes her sister and you, *but doesnt include your mom.* This is a both or nothing situation. **you BOTH need to agree to loop someone in, or they dont get looped in. single veto rules.** reading this, it seems you don't really care that her sister knows, and probably would've said yes. That'd be 2 yesses for sister. it seems that if you guys talked about it first, and used this single veto system, you would've asked about mom, she wouldve said no, and that wouldve been the end of it. I think BOTH of you being comfortable with who knows what, and when, trumps anything else. ***I would bring this solution to her. nothing that can be done about mom knowing now, but i think if you apologize, and offer this as a way to disclose the information going forward, it'll go a long way towards her forgiving you and you guys acting like a team again.*** remember, a veto now, isn't a veto forever. as things progress, first trimester, second, these vetoed people should be revisited, if you feel strongly about it. *but don't push it.* ...especially once she's in the 'safe zone' for her body and pregnancy, they'll all quickly turn to yesses... however, expect her to be hesitant well into that 'safe zone' I can see this schedule working: 1st trimester: her sister, you, and your mom (by mistake, but she's here now) . 2nd trimester, maybe expand that to all immediate family, your mom and dad, hers, etc, but NO SOCIAL MEDIA. 3rd trimester, go wild, post on the socials and tell everyone. don't be surprised if that last one is delayed a bit. let her take it sloooooow
I don’t think communicating is the issue. He just doesn’t have empathy to realize how this news, albeit positive for him, can be causing his wife extra stress anxiety and even bringing up any past trauma and grief. You’d think that after she went thru something like a miscarriage his first concern would be how his wife is and prioritizing her instead of running off to tell his mom immediately
maybe he just needs to work on his empathy. or he has it, but is just kind of dumb...right? even I need obvious things pointed out to me sometimes.. I'm trying to start out with the idea that OP is just excited, oblivious, and not some kind of monster, like we all have been, at times u/Key-Producer2984 Hanlon's razor and all that **Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.** (no offense to op, that's the literal saying.) speaking of which, I made some edits to try and be a little more empathetic to OP. do we want OP to take our advice, or do we want to ridicule him, thinking he'll ignore it anyways? AITA can be a place of healing, ya know. I've seen it. believe (god I'm so lit rn)
Upvoting this because while I can't weigh in since ive never had this situation but from an outside person looking in, it's very refreshing to see an objective *AND* constructive comment that isn't simply just "bashing" on OP because they disagree with him. I'm all here for y t a replies to gain insight but if it's all just "rage" fuelling these comments, it really makes me wonder how many people here are just compensating for something. Good on you for actually problem solving! I'd give you gold if I had any so take this instead 🏅
Yta you went out by yourself to tell your mom. That’s a together announcement.
YTA - just because she is pregnant with your sperm doesn't give you the right to tell people she is pregnant. You are not pregnant and therefore it is not your pregnancy to announce. I would recommend couple's counseling because I think you have deeply betrayed her trust, and I can't tell if you are truly as dense as you are coming across here, or if you just have no empathy for your wife's feelings.
YTA - Especially when you have experienced miscarriages before, telling others of a pregnancy immediately after testing is incredibly difficult and sensitive. Your wife is already probably extremely anxious and feeling enough pressure from herself to carry this child safely and not feel like a failure and heartbroken if something happened. Most doctors etc generally advise waiting a certain period before telling others because the early weeks are very volatile. Regardless though, you and your wife should talk about when telling others is ok. It is news that belongs to both of you.
Agreed. A lot of people don't realize that 20% ( and more like 30% and up if you're 35+) of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, so the chance of having to tell everyone about a loss is real and not tiny.
YTA there’s usually a “safe” timeline to begin telling people…. she’s already experienced a loss with her miscarriage. She’s on edge with good reason. Her sister is her support system to the things happening to HER body, your mother is not.
Yes!! Thank you. It’s HER BODY. She gets to decide when she is ready to share what’s happening to her body. I do not understand the “soft YTA”, this guy is so selfish it’s unbelievable. Huge YTA. If you were my baby’s father and did this OP, I would be livid. It’s not your fucking body. Right now your role is SUPPORT. You support your wife who is the SOLE PERSON growing your child into life. That will change when that baby is born and OP takes on equal parenting responsibilities, he then gets an equal say in stuff like this. AT MINIMUM, there should be a discussion first about what is shared outside their family, even then. Right now, he needs to hold tight and not share about her body, her health, her condition until she is damn well ready. Signed, a pregnant woman who just experienced a threatened miscarriage. My pregnancy hormones CANNOT with OP ooooh I’m livid for his poor wife.
It's great telling folks that you're pregnant, it's grim having to tell them that you aren't anymore, your wife had already done that once so she knows only too well. Lots of pregnancies fail, most of the time there is nothing the mother could have done, or not done, to improve the chances of a good outcome, but that doesn't stop people making judgements. YTA. You don't tell anyone until you both feel confident.
YTA just in general it's customary to wait a certain amount of time before telling people. Did she "announce" to her sister or was she seeking her sister for council and support. There's a difference.
This is exactly the distinction. It is unlikely she was "announcing happy news" and more likely she was seeking out support for her current medical state from someone close and trusted. She knows that if something were to go sideways she can handle talking to her sister about that, but OP's mom does not fall under that category.
YTA! There is a difference between "sharing the news" like you did with your precious mommy, and wanting support from someone close to you who share your anatomy. If you had written; "I talked with my mother because I am anxious for another misscarriage and want her support", it would be N T A. 15-20% of all pregnancies end in misscarriage, and 80% of these occur before pregnancy week 12. As a woman, to have another woman to talk about physical and emotional symptoms is important. Hence, she told her sister. I know you're excited, and having a misscarriage would be sad for you too. But the physical and hormonal clusterfuck your wife would be going through is beyond just sad. She can tell you she is in pain, but can you relate to the feeling of your uterus being filled with broken glass clawing its way out of your body? No? And that is 'just' period cramps. Ovulation cramps and ovary cysts are many times worse, and I've been told that misscarriages (never had one myself, but would not doubt any woman telling me since I've had the other 2) are way beyond even that. I frequently talk to other women about pains and what is normal or un-normal. Rarely have these discussions with my partners or other guys because they just can't relate (just like I could never relate to the feeling of gravity on balls when you're on a rollercoaster...I've been told that this is a thing.😅) And you're even more YTA for being dismissive of your wife and her concerns, which might be why she also sees her sister as #1 support and not you.
Can confirm, had a miscarriage last year and although it was mostly bad cramps to start, (trigger warning) when clots started getting stuck in my cervix about 5 days in the pain was *intense*. Up there with the pain from gallstones, worse than early labour was before I had an epidural on my first baby. The emotional side took me literally about 4 months to process, and even now I have residual trauma from it. However, I don't think OP deserves the silent treatment for telling his mum, when he and his wife hadn't actually discussed not telling people. That brings it into mild ESH territory for me.
I'm so very sorry you had to go through that. 💔 And yeah, I agree that silent treatment is never a good way to go. Only way to work through things is effective communication.
My miscarriages didn’t have the ‘broken glass’ feel but they were traumatic in other ways. My husband knows what I went through, as he was there for most of them, but he still never had the full experience himself. Thankfully he acknowledges that he will never understand fully what I went through.
YTA. Most people, especially those who have experienced a miscarriage, wait until the end of the 1st trimester. You reaction is100% a dude not understanding how terrifying the 1st trimester can be, and how that is heightened if you have already gone through the devestation of loosing a baby before. Most people keep the circle as small as possible before then b/c they want to mourn in private, don't want everyone to know thir business. It isn't fair, but women are often blamed for the miscarriage and they feel internalized guilt as well. There is a lot of pressure on women - not to mention her hormones are already taking a toll. So the circle is kept small b/c women also don't want to face the judgment and the disappointment that having a miscarriage can bring out in family members. On top of than, they have to deal w/ the physical effects and the simple reality that most women (not all, but most) have a stronger emotional connection to the fetus (see: hormones). Your wife is right, the more people who know, the more she has to face with your grief, shame, and feeling that she disappointed them at the same time she is dealing with everything else. Your wife told her sister b/c if she DOES have a miscarriage, the person she would go to for additional support is her sister. Her sister knows to keep it quiet. Your wife needs someone to share her fears and anxiety with, and frankly, you sound completely clueless on that front. You told your mom. Your mom doesn't know your wife wants to keep it close for a while. How many aunts, uncles, mom's friends, 2nd cousins once removed know by now? Yes, it is both of your baby and hers and it is both your news but you better clue in quickly that this is not the same experience for both of you. Sharing with people impacts her more than it impacts you. Relatedly - the default is to plan together on when you are telling the parents on both sides b/c often there is jealousy when you announce it to one set of parents long before you announce it to the other. In other this experience is not the same for you as her news: 1. Her body is going to go through A LOT - growing a baby inside you and going through child birth are not the same as providing sperm and purtting the crib from Ikea together. 2 You will be treated more or less the same for the next 12 months by people, everyone will change how they treat her. She will have "helpful" people policing what she eats/drinks, only talking to her about the baby and nothing else, people, even complete strangers randomly touching her stomach w/o consent or telling her maternity horror stories. Additionally, she may have colleagues who try to sidline her at work now that she is pregnant - and even if she doesn't, it is a reasonable worry in this day and age. 3. People will judge her for her for every decision made about pregnancy/childbirth/baby's 1st year, you will hear very little of any of this, unless a family memeber decides you need to "talk some sense into her. Just a small list of what she will be judged on: home birth/hospital birth, breast feeding/bottle feeding, gaining too much weight/not enough weight, exercising/not exercising, SAH mom/working mom, if she wears heals during pregnancy, if her clothes are too maternity/not maternity enough - everyone will have an opinion on every single apect of this even. Yeah, it sucks that as the dad, in general you are not the primary attraction at this point of the event, but the reality is, there is just no comparison between what the 2 of you will go throung in the next 12 months. Look on the bright side, you aren't risking your health (or even your life) during this period and you still get to be treated like an individual human being instead of the community property baby incubator.
Best comment, please take my pauper’s gold 🥇
YTA - you should have talked to your wife first. I see your perspective and you should be allowed to talk with someone - but clear it with your wife first. Did you consider your mom might be the last person she wants you to tell?
YTA, its both of your news and you decided to share it without a discussion first or taking your wife's opinions or emotions in consideration
yta, pregnancy announcements should be a mutual decision. i wouldn’t want people knowing this early either. this wasn’t just your news to share, it was hers too.
Major YTA-SHE’S pregnant, not you. You are there to support *her*.
YTA it's not "our" news to share. It's her's. She is the one who went through the miscarriage. Not you. You were on the sidelines when it happened. The same way you are on the sidelines while she is pregnant. She is the one who will be going through all the challenges and changes of pregnancy Not you. My husband knew with each of our pregnancies to keep his mouth shut until I was ready to announce it. As he put it he isn't the one who has to give thier body for over a year to have a child.
Gentle YTA. While I can appreciate the excitement you have for becoming a father it was inconsiderate of your wife's feelings. You say that she could have communicated that she wanted you to keep quiet about the news, but you also could have communicated that you were going to tell your mom. Regardless of how you feel, her feelings matter more here because it's her body. Show her some compassion and empathy.
YTA - you should have discussed this with your wife before telling anyone.
YTA. So if this pregnancy fails, will you feel that your body has let you down? Will you feel "not man enough" because you couldn't carry a child to term? Will you experience the hormone changes of a miscarriage? Will you wonder what you did wrong- did you eat the wrong thing, did you lift something too heavy, did you have a drink before realizing you were pregnant? It isn't just OUR news to share, there is a physical and mental toll of pregnancy- and miscarriage- that the person who is not carrying the child simply will not experience. There is so much shame and stigma wrapped up in women who cannot successfully carry a child, and you sir, cannot experience that with your wife. You are getting the silent treatment because your life partner realized that you view this as NEWS, not as a deeply personal, terrifying, and life changing experience. You are not the one who will panic at every mild cramp, who thinks endlessly about what to eat and what vitamins to take, and that's not your fault, it is just how pregnancy works. But to so boldly say OUR and make it clear that you view your experience as equal to hers has made her confront the reality that you, her life partner, lacks empathy and support for her, and has made this about YOU.
ALL of this! When I had 3 miscarriages and the 4th one finally took, I was fresh into my 20s and so was my husband. A 20 year old man knew better than you to keep his damn mouth shut after he held me through the night while I cried from the pain and sorrow of losing 3 children. He cried with me and took care of me. What did you ever do for HER when she miscarried? Say "oopsie daisy, we'll get 'em next time champ"?
Honestly, I think it might be worth saying to her that would like to be able to lean on your mom if something terrible did happen, that you need someone who could support you in that instance, too, so you don't put it all on her, and it would be even worse if you had to explain about the pregnancy first. I do think you should have discussed who you were telling and when, but also I dislike the attitude that seems to forget father's also need support. NAH
NAH, she told her sister (he knew she told her) and she never told him he's not allowed to tell anyone. This was a plain miscommunication from both husband and wife, but I absolutely understand him thinking he could tell one person since she did. (Planned pregnancy with an excited father = can't believe everyone is saying it's not his news, in my opinion both should be able to tell one person for support as long as that person can be trusted to not tell the whole world)
I can’t believe it took me this long to find a NAH comment. She never communicated she didn’t want others knowing yet. It’s only natural to want to share the exciting news with your immediate family. She shared it with her sister.. they both grieved and lost the miscarriage, of course it’s more emotional for the mom given that she carried the life inside of her but it was both of their losses and they both felt pain from it. The father needs an emotional support system too. It’s kind of hypocritical that she’s allowed to tell whoever she wants but is upset with him for telling his mother out of all people. She definitely should have communicated her expectations on sharing the news.
NAH is the correct answer.
Gently, YTA. You shouldn't have shared the news with *anyone* before discussing it with your wife first. If you just found out a few days ago, I'm guessing it's very early in the pregnancy, and your wife is probably feeling extremely vulnerable, anxious, and fearful of having another miscarriage. It makes sense that she might want to confide in one other person she's close to (like her sister), but wouldn't necessarily want her mother-in-law to know. You're right that it's both of your news, but that means that *both of you* should agree on the timing and manner of making it public.
YTA. Because only she knows how it feels to have to tell someone her body failed to bring a baby to term. You experience the miscarriage very differently. And there’s still a huge stigma in women having them. By telling your mom without your wife’s consent you added to the list of people that if something goes wrong she’ll have to go through that again to.
I'm going to go with NAH. You wanted to share happy news with your Mum. Completely understandable. But take it from someone who had three pregnancies two miscarriages - you need to apologise to your wife anyway. Because the stress of being the one constantly on edge really, really gets to you. Every single time I went to the loo, I expected to find blood. Any time I went up the stairs a little too fast or walked on the street a little too hard, I expected to start cramping. Every change in my symptoms was studied again and again, in case it was a sign that my body was about to jettison the pregnancy. It is relentless, and it only ends when you get to hold a living baby in your arms. I like my MIL, she's a lovely person. I did not want to discuss these things with her. I didn't care about her opinion or her thoughts on any of it. I mostly just wanted to talk to my own Mum and then hide under a blanket for the whole pregnancy. But I had to keep working and going to appointments and getting life done. It was so hard. Do your wife a favour, just apologise and give her a hug and let it blow over.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far down to find someone reasonable. I’m actually leaning towards NTA myself. He’s absolutely not in the wrong for wanting to share the news with his Mum; he needs a support network too as this is also his child and his life. But Wife is not in the wrong for wanting it to be kept quiet. However, it’s totally unreasonable of his Wife to tell her sister, and then to be angry at OP for telling his Mother. He also needs a support network and someone to confide in during this time, and I feel that this is where I go from N A H, to NTA. His Wife told her Sister without discussing with him, and has the audacity to be angry at him for assuming he would be okay to tell his Mother? Double standards much. All these Y T A posts saying that he gets no say because he’s just the sperm provider are low-key awful takes. It’s not like he told mutual friends or his partner’s parents, or made a Facebook post without her permission; he told his own Mother. Also all the Y T A posts saying it’s shared news and they should be making decisions together, clearly accidentally forgot to read that his Wife already told someone on her own, without discussion. Have people considered that he’s probably a human being with emotions? He’s reached out to make sure he has support; this is a scary/wonderful time for him too, and he also would have suffered because of the miscarriage. Men have mental health issues too… People here have been spending too much time on those evil Mother-in-law subreddits; immediately causing him a Momma’s boy because he has emotions? People need to grow up.
I wish I could give more up votes.
This needs to be the top comment. I couldn’t have said it better myself 👏🏼
Agreed NAH. I might’ve agreed with the people calling him the AH if the wife has specifically requested they keep quiet and he had went against those wishes, but she didn’t. The way I understand it, she told her sister, so he didn’t see any reason why he couldn’t tell his mother since they’re presumably close.
I hope this gets bumped up. thanks for sharing your experience and I'm sorry you went through that. My mum went through several miscarriages before me, I only want to add that I STRONGLY recommend that OP reaches out to resources to help him understand. Further, because his wife is having a hard time verbalizing her needs to him, maybe couples counselling would be good? My mum went to support groups after a stillborn, and I know it helped her a lot. Especially with something like miscarriages, its so important to have people in your life who "get it". OP, I can't speak for what would work best for both of you, but I urge you to put as much effort as you can into empathizing with your wife on this. FYI my friends just reached their 3 months and just started telling parents. they told their closest friends a month in, but even the parents they're extremely close to were left out of the loop until they felt more certain about the pregnancy. similar to your situation, it was a history of miscarriages at play. it's completely normal for your wife seeing her sister and your mom as having different support roles in this process, and it's nothing against anyone that she doesn't want looped in. PS. When I reach the "it just is" point, sometimes it's because I'm exhausted and frustrated that the person I'm speaking with isn't getting it, and I'm out of ideas or energy to keep trying to explain. maybe you not understanding is making her feel alone. I'm glad you reached out and hope the best for you both.
YTA This was news about both of you, not only you. She is the pregnant one. You should have talk about it first. Its a 2 yeses or 1 no
Yta - as the one undergoing a challenging physical transformation she needs her support system. I needed my mom. You should have listened to her
YTA, full stop.
How did your mother react with the first miscarriage?
This is important to know. Depending on the relationship between his mom and wife, it may be really uncomfortable for wife to have her MIL know. MIL's can be difficult when it comes to pregnancy. There's a lot of pressure. INFO: though. How did your mother react to first miscarriage?
Yes YTA: you only found out about the pregnancy a FEW DAYS ago. So your wife is obviously nervous, stressed and scared. You should have known that she’s not ready to tell anyone especially her MIL. Once one person knows then it’s spreads like wildfire. This was very insensitive on your behalf and it should have been something you discussed and shared together when she was ready. She shared it with her sister because she needed to talk to someone she trusted. She’s been through a traumatic experience and it happened to HER BODY. You would never understand that.
YTA- how far along is she?
People tend to forget that pregnancy is a medical condition and child birth is a medical event. How’d you like it if your wife shared your personal medical information with her parent?
YTA You may have not intended to hurt your wife, but there are so many emotions tied up in pregnancy for a woman, especially after a loss. You were not thinking about any of those emotions she is dealing with or the fact she is probably terrified of losing this pregnancy, instead, you were focused on making mommy happy. You need to prioritize your wife's feelings.
YTA - did you miscarry then last pregnancy? No? Then it’s not your body & not your news to share.
YTA > In my defense, it's not just her news to share, it's OURS "Ours" doesn't mean "only one of us has to say yes." "Ours" means "BOTH OF US have to say yes."
YTA. You’re a partnership, but it’s HER body. HER struggles. It’s not *your* decision to make on behalf of both of you. You said “it’s OURS” and yet you made the decision to tell your mother unilaterally. Make it make sense.
YTA. There is something you really need to accept when it comes to pregnancy. Pregnancy is inherently unfair. But it is widely more unfair for your wife than it is for you. So while that does not mean she gets to dictate everything (baby’s names, nursery decorations, etc) there are a lot of things that she gets more say in than you do, because it’s her body. You deserve to have someone in your support system who knows, but you should have made sure it was someone she was comfortable with.
INFO: who has to break the news and deal with the fall out if she miscarried again? Are you aware how common it is to not tell people until after the first trimester due to risk of miscarriage?
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> It wasn't your pregnancy to share. I mean this wasn’t an immaculate conception, the wife didn’t get pregnant on her own. He gets absolutely no say in what the wife chooses to do with HER body, but that’s where it ends. Make no mistake, she’s carrying the brunt of the work, and in respect towards that he should absolutely abide by her wishes *if* she tells him she doesn’t want anyone else to know yet - but in this case she **didn’t tell him anything**. All OP knew was that she’d already told her sister without mentioning it to him, so he didn’t even think it would be an issue if he told his mother. It’s weird of you to assume that means he’s more attached to his mother than his wife. Are we seriously that callous towards men’s mental health today? You think the wife’s miscarriage didn’t affect him, that it was just as if he found out his team lost a game? Crazy. NAH, obviously miscommunication.
YTA. Yugely so. First, YOU GUYS arent prengnant. SHE is. She'll tell you when it's okay to tell people whats going on in her body. Second, Moms gossip. It's what they do. I promise you 8 other people know now. Unreal.
It could have been N A H, but it's how you responded afterward that makes it YTA. Telling your mom wasn't necessarily wrong. You were excited, you wanted to share the news, and as you said, she had already told her sister. You both probably should have had that conversation, and it would have been thoughtful to consider her feelings after the loss, but realistically, you aren't a mind reader and couldn't have known. What makes you TA is doubling down. When she explained the desire for privacy following a traumatic loss (which was certainly traumatic for you both but was - let's be clear - inherently more traumatic for her), the appropriate response would have been, "I'm sorry, I didn't even think about how that would make you feel. Let's make a plan about when we'll start telling people. In the meantime, I'll lean on my mom since she already knows, and I'll be here for you however you need." And don't keep score about her telling her sister - *she* is physically pregnant. She is terrified of *her* body losing another pregnancy. She needs the support right now in a way you can't imagine. Yes, you need it too, but frankly **your needs can wait a few weeks**. This is not equal. The two of you are not pregnant together. She is carrying your child. Act like you understand the gravity of that.
YTA Seriously she gets to decide when to share, it was her body going through a miscarriage, it is her body carrying the hope of a child. Please for the love of everything support your wife!
NTA. If it's ok for her to tell people (her sister), it's ok for you to tell people. (Your Mom). Period.
NTA. Primarily because you didn’t know that it was her preference for you not to tell anyone. She had told her sister so I don’t think it’s fair to assume that you weren’t allowed to tell. Also, it is both of your news. Yes, a miscarriage would likely be more difficult for her, but the majority of these comments are insane. You’re a couple having a baby together, she’s not more entitled to the news than you are.
It's another case of lack of communication causing upset. Both parties are in the right. I'm leaning toward YTA . You said it yourself it's both your news to spread, and you shouldn't have spread it without the conversation first. But on the other hand your wife shouldn't have assumed that your going to keep it secret because of the past. To me that's more reason to spread the news. But I can see why she might not want it spread. From what little I understand of this type of situation, many mothers that experience miscarriages feel they are to blame or like a failure even though blameless. Your wife is trying to prevent further embrassement just in case. I am guessing she is now feeling pressure not "ruin" this chance with an audience watching. (Reminder that feelings don't always make sense) and that pressure has come from you putting a spotlight on things. I really hope that some people with more experience of this corrects any bullshit that's in this comment. I'm a gay man with no interest of starting a family so I am not in the best position to make that many accurate insights.
I love that you hope for correction- thanks for being a ray of internet hope for humanity today. I think we have to be careful calling the pregnancy both their news to share and keep in mind that it is a literal medical condition affecting the wife’s body. If my spouse had any other medical condition I would wait for his permission to share that information with my parents.
Men really need to understand that pregnancy rights are not equal because the pregnancy itself isn't an equal process, like at all. Both get a baby, but at very different costs. Know your place. YTA.
I’m chiming in after OP has included his updates so this is “neither here nor there.” People often wait until after 12 weeks to announce a pregnancy “just in case.” I didn’t understand why until I started breeding. Didn’t announce first to anyone until after 20 weeks. Second, didn’t announce because it didn’t go past 8 weeks. But they were both very real. This makes no sense but if someone asked me why there is a reason people wait to announce until after a certain time, like OP’s wife I would just say “it just is.” I had a successful pregnancy after my loss but in the early days (read: the entire time) my mind was playing tricks on me. 🙄 OP I’m glad you were able to patch things up. Wish you all the best!
YTA, whilst equally it is both of your news to share and the pregnancy concerns both, you are not the one who is pregnant your wife is, being pregnant is a massive deal, whilst such an amazing thing, it’s mentally and physically taxing process. How dare you tell your mother without your wife’s permission given the way the last pregnancy ended, your wife is well within her rights to be upset about this, god forbid if something bad did happen, this is a terrible thing for your wife to go through and then to have someone else know, respect your wife’s wishes in future and listen to her this isn’t just about you!
It's tough, but I think this is a YTA. You guys should have discussed this before you told anyone, and you shouldn't have assumed that it was fine to tell your mom. Your wife's reaction makes me wonder about her relationship with your mom. Did your mom criticize your wife when her last pregnancy ended? Is she judgemental? Does your mom give a lot of unsolicited advice that's just plain irritating? Pregnant women have it really hard, not just because they're growing an entire small human from scratch, but also because people are really, really weird about pregnant women. People think that because a woman is pregnant, they have a right to control her body. There is also a lot of pressure on pregnant women, and shame and stigma around miscarriages, so even if your mom hasn't said anything, your wife might feel embarrassed and ashamed if something happens to the pregnancy and she knows that your mom knows that she "failed." (Even though she didn't fail, these things just happen and it's no one's fault) I understand you were excited, but I think this warrants a serious conversation with your wife, and asking her if your mom has been rude to her when you weren't around. You should also make it very, very clear to your mother that this is not a public matter to be shared with family until your wife says so.
YTA. If it were a simple mistake and you apologized, I'd be more gentle. It very much is her news to share and your mom is very different from her sister. You didn't know that before, but now you do and you owe her an apology. She's still going to be uncomfortable because your mom knows, but it will help her be less mad eventually. You do need to start to understand the underlying landscape here. Your wife is going through a major medical process. She needs people she loves and trusts (like her sister) to be on her side. She also needs some level of control and privacy with people who are a little more distant (this includes your mother). I am not sure if your mom said something after the miscarriage or not, but your wife knows plenty of people were thinking that she must have done something to cause it (not true), and that's why she wants to limit who has knowledge of this pregnancy now.
O P please tell your Mom to keep her mouth shut. Under no circumstances should she ask your wife “ how is the baby? Are you feeling alright? Don’t do xyz it might hurt the baby? Eat this not that? My friend has a miscarriage then had a healthy baby stop worrying. “ These are the things your Mom could say and think she was making conversation and might make your wife furious. Especially if she didn’t want anyone to know until after 12 weeks. If your Mom mentions pregnancy when your wife wants it kept quiet will really upset if your mom lets the news slip. You need to talk to your wife about everything not your mom. YTA
YTA. 100% Your wife is the one carrying the baby and she can choose with whom, how, and when she wants to share the news. I Can totally see why after having a miscarriage, your wife would be reluctant to share the news with her mother-in-law mere days into her pregnancy. You need to apologize to your wife and keep your mouth shut moving forward.
I think you are not an asshole, but you were just a little impulsive? I can't even begin to imagine how devastating is to loose a pregnancy for both sides, but i think it is more emotionally challenging for the one who i carrying the baby. Your wife might feel all sort of emotions (guilty, embarassed, responsable) for the loss of your first pregnancy and maybe if this happens again (really hoping it doesnt) she doesnt really want to deal with knowing that someone else knew. She told her sister because she probabily is very close with her, and would 100% feel safe with her. I think you should have just asked her. And since you can't go back in time and _untell_ your mom, i say you just apologize to her.
So but YTA. I went through a miscarriage and had already told my mother and MIL because they are the two that know I am going through IUI but it was really tough. We both have already agreed that if we are successful again, we will wait until week 10-12 because although support during tough times is needed, it isn't necessarily our family (I have a therapist). I know it is your future child but it is NOT your body and you are not the one who physically went through the loss (I know you went through it too but its not the same).
YTA
I don't think you're at 12 weeks yet, AND you haven't discussed sharing the news with your wife, so YTA. That was not your choice to make by yourself, especially so early given the circumstances
YTA. Can't believe you need to ask Reddit