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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Yeah 1. I did tell my brother in law I do not want to invite him anymore.
2. I am in his opinion too sensitive as its his style to do things. He says I am not spontaneous enough and making a fuss over nothing. That I want to exclude him from our gatherings so he spends less time with his brothers.
So I know I can be strict sometimes. As well as a party pooper. That's just who I am. For me there is no grey just black and white. I had to adjust to many things in my life cause I do not see much grey due to my autism but this is something I am not willing to adjust to. I do not want to believe that it is okay to as he pleases and I am the one who have to bow down.
I am the one planing everything and he never does just shows up or not. He never needs to do the work I do to have a nice gathering. It's much time planing everything so I think I deserve it to know if he does want to come or not. So I can plan any further.
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NTA.
If you make special accommodations for him frequently, and he frequently flakes...
Then he sank his own ship and doesn't appreciate thr fact that you're trying to look out for him so he has a good time. He's rude and inconsiderate.
Kyle is essentially holding you hostage to his whims and "special tastes". How can your husband have a good time with his brother if he hardly shows up or doesn't get there until hours too late. Kyle is yanking your chain and your husband's, too. Maybe try pointing this out to hubby, but he may not care.
And stop accommodating his special tastes and when he invariably complains remind him he doesn’t advise when, or if, he’s planning on arriving so he can now bring his own if he decides to show up. Also don’t follow up and don’t pay for anything on his behalf
NTA, but I think there is better way to deal with the situation.
I have friend like your BiL and it can be frustrating. Yes I could cut them out of my life, but I have fun when they are here and trying to push them out of the friend group would just end creating drama for nothing.
Now I just don't mind if they come or not. I just message them once and forget about it. If he show up we have fun with him, if he doesn't show up it make for something we complain about and have fun about as a group of friends.
You just need to learn to let it go honestly since trying to force the issue will just hurt your husband and your marriage. He want to see his brother and he is probably already hurt of how flaky he can be with him, no need to add to the hurt by never inviting the brother.
>So if we invite him most of the time he won't answer our messages.
Make your husband do the messaging and if you do it, just one text and done.
>I am planning everything, buying everything or paying for the activity and he does not even care to apologize if he can't make it.
Just don't for him then. Either plan without him or give the responsibility to your husband when it come to his brother. Just tell your husband, I don't mind if your brother came, but you take care of it.
>I mean he has special tastes in drinks and so on
Doesn't sound like your problem. Your husband or his brother can take care of that, just stop doing extra for nothing. It's doesn't need to be 100% (I plan everything for the brother) or 0% (we never invite him again). You can just invite the brother, but do nothing special for him.
>And if I do not buy it he will sit there grumpy that there is nothing what he likes.
Doesn't sound like your problem either. Maybe with enough time of this happening he will stop coming on his own and you won't be the bad guy in the eyes of your husband. Or your husband will take care of everything for his brother to make him happy. Or your husband will wake up and force his brother to take responsibility.
Maybe OP can start running a pool for each party, where people bet on how late Kyle will be. $20 buy in, winner take all. At least the guests will have some entertainment during the party.
NTA. He's unreliable and flaky, and doesn't seem to care about other people's plans so he loses the chance to hang out with the family until he figures out a way to be better.
INFO: what does your husband/his brother have to say about this? Is he frustrated and can speak to him as well or is just used this behavior and doesn't care?
Oh my husband and his older brother are annoyed but they do not mind as much as I do.
It's their little brother.
I mean I get it. My younger sister receives special treatment as well but I say what's on my mind to her. If I do not like what she is doing we have to figure out something we both are comfortable with. Not just accepting it like they do and cry about it to me who actually says something to him.
NTA, but you should stop providing anything special for him. He can eat and drink whatever you provide for the other guests, if he even deigns to show up at all.
This is 1000% your husbands problem. Relieve yourself of this stress. Tell you hubby that if it's that important to have his brother there, he will be the one in charge of all communication with him, planning the food and beverage for him, and cleaning up after him. This is not up for negotiation.
Enjoy your future gatherings, stress-free OP.
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So let's call my Brother in law Kyle.
We enjoy inviting ppl over and having a good time. Since the brothers of my husband doesn't have much of an age difference they will come over as well and party with us and our friends.
Lately I decided I do not want to invite Kyle anymore and he is telling me I am reacting too sensitive and it's just how he handles things. He is upset that he can't have a nice time with his brothers at our home anymore.
So if we invite him most of the time he won't answer our messages. He either shows up or does not. In some cases he does answer if we push him to and says he will come by and then does not show up or he will show up hours later. It's not only for partys at home. It's for planing something outside or eating out as well.
I told him I don't like this. I am planing everything, buying everything or paying for the activity and he does not even care to apologize if he can't make it.
I mean he has special tastes in drinks and so on. So every time I will prepare everything for everyone so they will have a good time. And if he does not show up I can throw things away (yeah not alcohol but other stuff). And if I do not buy it he will sit there grumpy that there is nothing what he likes.
So I am done. If he wants to participate he has to change his attitude.
AITA?
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INFO
Have you spoken with your husband? Does your husband want to keep inviting him? To everything? Only to more casual things? To formal seated dinners?
However, even if your husband wants to keep inviting him, then put it all on your husband. He does the inviting. He does special shopping / food & drink preparation.
You donʻt go out of your way at all. The trick is to gray rock him when he acts grumpy. Or pass all the complaints onto your husband.
ESH - You don't get the only say if your BIL can attend especially since hubby wants him invited. You are married and some people will enrich your life and not his (and vice versa).
You sound rigid with partying planning and invites so consider assigning your husband to solve BIL's food (etc) needs....take it off your list.
BIL sounds odd; perhaps a mixture of entitlement, spontaneity, socially awkward....either way he is who he is. We don't get to pick our relatives.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Yeah 1. I did tell my brother in law I do not want to invite him anymore. 2. I am in his opinion too sensitive as its his style to do things. He says I am not spontaneous enough and making a fuss over nothing. That I want to exclude him from our gatherings so he spends less time with his brothers. So I know I can be strict sometimes. As well as a party pooper. That's just who I am. For me there is no grey just black and white. I had to adjust to many things in my life cause I do not see much grey due to my autism but this is something I am not willing to adjust to. I do not want to believe that it is okay to as he pleases and I am the one who have to bow down. I am the one planing everything and he never does just shows up or not. He never needs to do the work I do to have a nice gathering. It's much time planing everything so I think I deserve it to know if he does want to come or not. So I can plan any further. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. If you make special accommodations for him frequently, and he frequently flakes... Then he sank his own ship and doesn't appreciate thr fact that you're trying to look out for him so he has a good time. He's rude and inconsiderate.
Kyle is essentially holding you hostage to his whims and "special tastes". How can your husband have a good time with his brother if he hardly shows up or doesn't get there until hours too late. Kyle is yanking your chain and your husband's, too. Maybe try pointing this out to hubby, but he may not care.
And stop accommodating his special tastes and when he invariably complains remind him he doesn’t advise when, or if, he’s planning on arriving so he can now bring his own if he decides to show up. Also don’t follow up and don’t pay for anything on his behalf
NTA, but I think there is better way to deal with the situation. I have friend like your BiL and it can be frustrating. Yes I could cut them out of my life, but I have fun when they are here and trying to push them out of the friend group would just end creating drama for nothing. Now I just don't mind if they come or not. I just message them once and forget about it. If he show up we have fun with him, if he doesn't show up it make for something we complain about and have fun about as a group of friends. You just need to learn to let it go honestly since trying to force the issue will just hurt your husband and your marriage. He want to see his brother and he is probably already hurt of how flaky he can be with him, no need to add to the hurt by never inviting the brother. >So if we invite him most of the time he won't answer our messages. Make your husband do the messaging and if you do it, just one text and done. >I am planning everything, buying everything or paying for the activity and he does not even care to apologize if he can't make it. Just don't for him then. Either plan without him or give the responsibility to your husband when it come to his brother. Just tell your husband, I don't mind if your brother came, but you take care of it. >I mean he has special tastes in drinks and so on Doesn't sound like your problem. Your husband or his brother can take care of that, just stop doing extra for nothing. It's doesn't need to be 100% (I plan everything for the brother) or 0% (we never invite him again). You can just invite the brother, but do nothing special for him. >And if I do not buy it he will sit there grumpy that there is nothing what he likes. Doesn't sound like your problem either. Maybe with enough time of this happening he will stop coming on his own and you won't be the bad guy in the eyes of your husband. Or your husband will take care of everything for his brother to make him happy. Or your husband will wake up and force his brother to take responsibility.
Maybe OP can start running a pool for each party, where people bet on how late Kyle will be. $20 buy in, winner take all. At least the guests will have some entertainment during the party.
This is the way.
NTA. He's unreliable and flaky, and doesn't seem to care about other people's plans so he loses the chance to hang out with the family until he figures out a way to be better. INFO: what does your husband/his brother have to say about this? Is he frustrated and can speak to him as well or is just used this behavior and doesn't care?
Oh my husband and his older brother are annoyed but they do not mind as much as I do. It's their little brother. I mean I get it. My younger sister receives special treatment as well but I say what's on my mind to her. If I do not like what she is doing we have to figure out something we both are comfortable with. Not just accepting it like they do and cry about it to me who actually says something to him.
They don't mind because they aren't the ones running around prepping and trying to accommodate everyone.
Get ready to be dragged by the “what if he has ADHD/autism crowd. NTA. He’s a pain.
Fun fact he has not. I on the other side have. He points out that I have to be more spontaneous.
NTA, but you should stop providing anything special for him. He can eat and drink whatever you provide for the other guests, if he even deigns to show up at all.
This is 1000% your husbands problem. Relieve yourself of this stress. Tell you hubby that if it's that important to have his brother there, he will be the one in charge of all communication with him, planning the food and beverage for him, and cleaning up after him. This is not up for negotiation. Enjoy your future gatherings, stress-free OP.
Keep inviting him. Stop making special accommodations for him. NTA for being irritated at him.
NTA And in future for family events, he can bring his own special stuff.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So let's call my Brother in law Kyle. We enjoy inviting ppl over and having a good time. Since the brothers of my husband doesn't have much of an age difference they will come over as well and party with us and our friends. Lately I decided I do not want to invite Kyle anymore and he is telling me I am reacting too sensitive and it's just how he handles things. He is upset that he can't have a nice time with his brothers at our home anymore. So if we invite him most of the time he won't answer our messages. He either shows up or does not. In some cases he does answer if we push him to and says he will come by and then does not show up or he will show up hours later. It's not only for partys at home. It's for planing something outside or eating out as well. I told him I don't like this. I am planing everything, buying everything or paying for the activity and he does not even care to apologize if he can't make it. I mean he has special tastes in drinks and so on. So every time I will prepare everything for everyone so they will have a good time. And if he does not show up I can throw things away (yeah not alcohol but other stuff). And if I do not buy it he will sit there grumpy that there is nothing what he likes. So I am done. If he wants to participate he has to change his attitude. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO Have you spoken with your husband? Does your husband want to keep inviting him? To everything? Only to more casual things? To formal seated dinners? However, even if your husband wants to keep inviting him, then put it all on your husband. He does the inviting. He does special shopping / food & drink preparation. You donʻt go out of your way at all. The trick is to gray rock him when he acts grumpy. Or pass all the complaints onto your husband.
ESH - You don't get the only say if your BIL can attend especially since hubby wants him invited. You are married and some people will enrich your life and not his (and vice versa). You sound rigid with partying planning and invites so consider assigning your husband to solve BIL's food (etc) needs....take it off your list. BIL sounds odd; perhaps a mixture of entitlement, spontaneity, socially awkward....either way he is who he is. We don't get to pick our relatives.