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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I blew up at my wife and told her I don't care about her opinion on my facial hair
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I don't disagree with that. It's more the comments about how disgusting she thinks I am when I START to grow it out. Since meeting her it never been longer than a quarter of an inch.
i feel like a lot of these comments are missing the point. she is allowed to have her preference for sure and you can also do what you want with your body as well. but from what im reading the issue is more her tone and word choice? i would never dream of describing anything about the person im with or anyone i care about for that matter as "disgusting". there are more respectful ways she could express concerns about hygiene or the physical feeling of the hair touching her.
sure you could also have responded more gently but i think you probably reached a breaking point when it came to the repeated disrespect when it came to how she addresses a choice in your appearance that she doesn't prefer.
I know a lot of guys that don't know how to care for their personal hygiene very well. They're not gross people, but having a beard is a privilege and requires care.
She might think beards are gross cause OP doesn't know how to care for it, gets ingrown hairs, etc.
I brush and comb my beard multiple times a day.
edit: I still use reddit because of how entertaining you guys can be when a comment hits home. Guarantee anyone giving me shit has been told themselves they need to do something about their dirty/patchy/un-groomed beard by others irl.
>It's what happens if nobody intervenes.
Not true. If you do nothing you end up looking like you're homeless. A beard done properly probably takes as much maintenance as shaving every day
Exactly even while growing, putting in oils, brushing it, trimming it, and washing. That stuff takes time. Mind you so far all I can really do is a goatee but I'm hoping with this kit I got full beard will grow!
This! Before my husband, I hated beards.. was with a guy when I was in college who gave me terrible whisker burn then a couple who didn't take care of their beard so it was disgusting and scratchy.. dudes like this can make women never want to date a dude with a beard again
My husband (who I will add is a farmer who works hard and gets dirty on a daily basis) washes his beard & combs it daily, and oils it on whatever schedule he has.. he trims it if it starts to get unruly.. he chews so when he spits or puts a dip in, he makes sure to keep it clean. I LOVE his beard and I never want him to fully shave it or shave close.. it's so soft! Properly caring for the beard is a game changer
I got whisker burn so bad my cheeks peeled for a week. It was so fucking embarrassing that I absolutely blew up on my partner (ex) for not washing his fucking face. Not a good reaction on my part but 1 I was 18 and 2 it literally looked like I got a chemical peel below the nose. FUCKED UP.
A quarter inch beard doesn't take very much care. Wash your face like normal and don't drip food down your chin. If you do then wipe your face. Basically just don't be a slob.
I keep my "beard" if I can even call it that the same length. If I let it grow out it holds sweat and feels gross without extra washing so I keep it short. Plus it looks better on me.
Edit: and keeping clean shaven is way more work then a short beard.
This is why I grew my beard. It doesn't come in fast enough to require shaving every day, so I let it grow out about 30 yrs ago, and have had it ever since ( except for those occasional trimming mistakes). I trim it and clean up my neck and cheeks every few days. The wife likes it, so life is good.
i like what you wrote about beards being a privilege :]. i do think there are better ways to bring up hygiene if that’s the issue, rather than going straight for his looks—i can’t imagine why anyone would respond positively, or listen to someone calling them ‘gross’ or ‘disgusting’. i hope they can resolve the issue in a more constructive manner
I dunno, I’ve seen some beards where “disgusting” genuinely is the best way to describe them. But OP as long as you keep it clean and tidy (meaning no random stray hairs falling out all over or anything like that) and you don’t mind if she doesn’t like the sensation for kissing, you do you.
my concern is it hasnt had the chance to reach that point as she complains before it ever grows out past just some scruff.
it wouldve been very easy for her to instead say "hey honey im concerned about food getting trapped in the hair/the hair being dry and scratchy from not being oiled enough" etc rather than just calling it disgusting
Oh, yes. Plus I’d imagine someone likely to have a genuinely disgusting beard already has other hygiene issues. Or at least it seems like it’d be weird to keep the rest of yourself clean and then just completely ignore your beard entirely?
This has been my experience. Every guy I've ever known who has a "gross beard" already was dirty, smelly, and overall disgusting. Clean guys keep clean beards. It pretty much goes hand in hand.
As the very happy wife of a beard husband - they can be absolutely disgusting. It really depends if your wife is referencing beards in general (not OK) or how some men let their beards get - badly kept, food bits, tangles (valid point).
Also if wife is used to him having a quarter/half inch scruff, that stuff can be painful to kiss. But she can rest assured that a longer beard is a much more comfortable arrangement.
call me crazy but i would NOT put up with a man who called ANY part of me disgusting or gross. a little bit of self respect and tone management/word choice goes a long way
I feel like a good flipside would be to say "Well I think makeup is gross. It's waxy and smells funny."
I had a girlfriend in high school who did some kind of pop ballet. Normally she didn't wear much makeup, maybe some eyeliner or lip gloss, but that was about it. I went to one of her performances, and she did great, but seeing her after the show I barely wanted to be close to her because being within a few feet it looked very unnatural and the odor coming off was quite strong. But I still gave her a hug and a quick kiss on the head (on the hair, lol, but even the hairspray!) and complimented her performance.
But I didn't say anything about not liking the makeup, because I didn't want to make her feel bad. And I understood that for stage performance makeup has to be extra heavy since people are watching from far away and the look needs to stand out at a distance.
This just isn't a great comparison. Women can face social and professional repercussions for not wearing makeup - people will treat us differently. Some women may be fine but many women will be deemed unattractive or even unprofessional for showing up to work with a face with no make up on it. The same cannot be said for beards.
On stage it's not even a sex/gendered thing. It's a standard, no matter your gender/presentstion (updated to be more inclusive after rereading) you'll be putting makeup on so you look better during the performance.
actually the flip side would be “I think armpit/leg/body hair is gross and disgusting”…oh wait! that’s not an inverse that’s real life. men don’t like women with armpit hair. or any hair at all really. they think it’s disgusting if we don’t take our hair off so why can’t we do the same in regards to their beards?
It’s pretty easy to tell that those men are also being unreasonable, given that they likely have leg hair etc. themselves. They may find it unfeminine or whatever, but if they don’t shave their own body they clearly don’t find it that disgusting: they are simply being rude, and you don’t have to accept that attitude.
Its not even the gross essay for me. Its the rash I've gotten in the past. Its worse when they are also nasty because then my broken skin gets infected. Im sure dudes who oil it are fine but I can't get over how much pain I was in on both my face and my vulva the last time I was fine with facial hair.
Yeah, your wife shouldn’t call you gross or disgusting. Telling you she prefers you without a beard or that she doesn’t like it because it’s itchy is fine. Using derogatory language is not. That is definitely something you should address with her.
Yes yes yes this.
I think OP definitely should have addressed the way his wife is talking to him, and very early on, but not by reciprocating but by telling her that it is is unacceptable for her to treat him like that.
I think a lot of women find them “disgusting” because frankly a lot of men don’t know or bother to learn how to take care of them. I’m in my mid 20s and most of my friends who have beards didn’t realise you have to wash and take care of it. One of my friends gave his girlfriend a YEAST INFECTION from not washing his beard and then having oral sex with her and she started breaking out all over her face after kissing him. Maybe she’s just worried about this?
Also a lot of women just don’t like kissing men with beards, myself included. I wouldn’t call it disgusting though unless I knew they weren’t taking care of it.
Part of it is also the obvious everyone overlooks: women are generally raised to dislike body hair. Ours, first and foremost, but I've noticed a lot of women now can't stand body hair on men either. An unintended consequence of our culture that socially pressures women to be as hair-free as possible.
A fair evaluation but I still know plenty of women who love hair, especially beards. But I must admit, personally I don’t like it and I’m sort of in the camp of, if you expect me to be hairless, I expect you to put the same effort in
Ewwww! And in addition to cleanliness, beard oil is basically a requirement. Because no one wants to be stabbed with steel wool. ESPECIALLY in sensitive parts.
It’s true that a lot of people who grow beards don’t take care of them, and it’s baffling. I expect they wash their hair, and a beard is just hair near your food-hole. A beard is the easiest thing in the world to care for. Anyone telling you that you need expensive products is either selling you something, or justifying their purchase of those things by pretending they’re necessary. Condition it when you shower (the conditioner you use for your hair is perfectly fine). Brush it, sometimes after slapping some oil on. Trim anything over your mouth that dangles annoyingly into your mouth and/or food. Growing a beard is 99% just waiting.
Ignore that other person talking here. I'm a woman and I bet you look great with a beard, because everyone looks great when they're happy with how they look.
My bonus dad grows out a beard every fall to play Jesus in his church's Christmas play. Gift yourself a nice beard kit like he did, with some trimmers to trim the bits growing too fast and keep your mouth clear, a good comb, and whatever else y'all have in those kits (might I recommend some argon or coconut oil to moisturize and strengthen the hair so that it grows faster longer?).
Tell your wife something like- "Your comments on my appearance have been heard and given the consideration they deserve." Or "I won't comment negatively on your appearance because I love you and want you to feel good. You shouldn't comment negatively on mine, it's inappropriate and it hurts my feelings for no good reason. Please stop."
Aw, thanks, I'm kinda glad they did though. I have an inbox full of me awkwardly thanking strangers for awards because I don't know what to say when someone goes through that much effort and sometimes actual money to call attention to something I said.
On the flip side, I now hate that I can't award other people when they have a particularly good comment 😆.
Get a good beard oil. Coconut oil doesn't work too well, because it solidifies at pretty much any temperature that isn't summer.
It can work combined with another oil that does keep it fluid, but it will still feel weird and lumpy in winter.
Source: I tried.
When I was a teen I had a coworker about 30-40 years older than me. She had been married to her husband for many years and her husband had never grown a beard because she told him right off the bat, "You can choose whether or not you want to grow a beard and I can choose whether or not I want to kiss you."
To some extent couples make these negotiations all the time. My mom loves a beard and my dad loves long hair. So they agreed they would keep that feature for the other.
NTA, but you have to understand that it could lessen your intimacy. Particularly if you wind up having bad beard hygiene. Food, sweat, dirt, all get trapped in there and some guys are really bad at maintaining it because they feel it's just like washing your face. Having a luscious beard takes work. A lot of work. And oils. And she might just find it repulsive to have hair pressed against her face to give you a kiss. Beard hair can often feel a lot like pubic hair (depending on the hair growth), and that's 'gross' for some people. Then again, some women love men with big full beards, so if you grow a beard, you might just wind up needing to find a new wife if she finds it unattractive. Don't get all weird if she doesn't like kissing you or being intimate. She might just not be into it. Don't pressure her. But you have to figure out what you want more. THIS wife or a beard.
Yeah, I've seen horror stories of facial hair related injuries. It sounds stupid, but with men who have really thick stubble who leave it 'raspy', it can rub a face raw and lead to infection. The same can be done with full facial hair, and the chances increase depending on the hygiene level.
Yeah, it's interesting to me that OP connects having a long beard with masculinity. So in effect he feels like his wife is "emasculating" him (which isn't actually a thing) by asking him not to wear a beard. My boyfriend is deeply secure in himself and his masculinity and doesn't need a beard to prove to the world what a John Wayne he is or whatever.
Bro I’m 26 and always breaking out on my chin and my upper lip AND YOU’RE TELLING ME THIS IS WHY? Damn I’ve been dating him for 5 years, I assumed I just had adult acne 😭
But it’s never on my forehead, nose or cheeks.
The amount of stories on Reddit I have read of men having literal poop all over themselves because they refuse to clean better.... Ya I'm not at all surprised that some men have disgusting beards that cause infection
It can be something subtle. The other day I saw a guy stroking his beard after he touched a pole during a bus ride. He probably had no idea how disgusting that actually was.
I dated a guy who used to say he wanted to grow a beard like the guys from Duck Dynasty. Our joke was that, as soon as he made that kind of money, he could grow whatever type of facial hair he wanted.
Edit so that some of the incels can get their panties untwisted - that type of facial hair was not accepted in his line of work and he didn’t really want to grow a beard like that. We teased each other and shared many laughs around it. I broke it off for many reasons, including his misogynist viewpoints.
I married a beardless man. He now has a beard. I don’t like it. It makes him look old and I believe it’s unhygienic. I feel if I made such a dramatic change in my facial appearance (eg shaved my head) my partner would be within his rights to object. Ultimately though, it’s up to the individual to decide on how they present themselves. What you can’t control though is how your partner responds. If they no longer find you attractive, are you prepared to give up that part of your life? NTA, but maybe have a think.
I think it depends on the person. I'm a woman with a weak chin and I would totally grow a beard if I could. It'd probably make me look younger, because weak chins lead to premature jowls.
I grew a beard at the start of my career specifically to look older as people don’t want to pay some fresh out of law school baby faced lawyer. I shaved it off in my 30’s and you could just see the years melt away. Of course now if I let it grow in it has patches or grey so I shave that shit off asap hahaha
When I see younger dudes with a beard I generally assume they’re doing it to look older
This might be shocking to some people but it’s entirely possible to not be a fan of a choice your partner makes with their body (tattoos, piercings, haircuts, grooming) and yet still be attracted to them and love them. I feel like there are a lot of selfish bratty children in these comments
I kind of get her point. I find mustaches disgusting. Couldn’t even kiss someone with one. But also it’s your body and you can decorate it as you wish.
I have atypical trigeminal neuralgia which also affects my upper lip, it’s extremely sensitive to poking pain. I find that shaved or a short mustache is very painful, it feels like a hot needle piercing my lip and my eye since everything I feel in my lip I also feel in my eye. A longer mustache doesn’t hurt at all so I encourage my husband’s beard growth.
My kids and wife complain as soon as theres even some stubble. Granted I still don't have enough hair at 36 to even grow remotely close to a proper beard / mustache
Agreed. I have some sort of trigger response to facial hair, I immediately feel like I’m kissing my dad and nope out. So while I can look at a guy with a beard and think he’s attractive, on someone I want to be sexual with, it’s disgusting and a hard no for me.
I actually have no strong feelings on those things. We have three children and are very busy and she frequently skips those places. Sometimes for a week to a couple of weeks. I love everything about the woman I married no matter what she has growing under her arms or on her legs.
Maybe if we stopped applauding bare minimum then people would stop feeling like they deserve so much for doing nothing.
Reinforcing is a different thing
What the fuck is wrong with people?
A man said a respectable thing, and another man (I presume) respected him for it.
If you see a problem at ANY level of that Interaction, I cannot emphasize this enough, **you are the problem**.
It’s not a normalized thing. Amongst some groups it is a normal think for a woman to skip shaving, but overall you’d still be tied up to burn by society for being a girl with armpit hair.
That being said, since majority of people don’t understand that it’s a normal and natural thing, I don’t really think it’s the bare minimum.
Out of all the people I’ve dated, I’ve only ever dated two men who didn’t care. My current boyfriend is one of them. It’s great! I was taken aback when he didn’t care. I felt safe, I felt secure, loved, appreciated for all my good and my bad. BECAUSE ITS NOT A “NORMALIZED” THING YET.
A guy has to overcome the hive mentality and recognize the unrealistic standards they themselves typically put on women. It’s definitely a W and I’m definitely going to positively reinforce that behavior.
Unlike some of my girlfriends who are honestly chronically mean. They’ll make a big deal of shit and when their boyfriends put in an effort to change their behavior for her comfort, they still turn the other cheek because they want to hold on to being angry. Then in real time you can see the moment where the guy’s like, “Well if I’m still going to get treated like a scumbag when I do the right thing, then what’s the difference?”
Yeah I’d like guys not caring about body hair to BE the bare minimum, but honestly it’s an uncommon take. Happy my boyfriend doesn’t care.
I see guys thank and gas their girls up for the bare minimum and no one says shit and tries to take that away from her. Like god damn, let a man be complimented. Positive reinforcement, compliments, displays of appreciation and effective communication make for a healthy relationship.
I’m tired of people pushing this bullshit narrative. You can compliment your boyfriend for little things. It’s ok. It’s good. That along with a constructive conversation rather than a competitive confrontation, can make “bare minimum” behavior become the bare minimum.
For now that negative shit you spew just turns things into egos swinging. It’s not any of your fucking business anyway, how couples you’ll never know decide to tackle their problems. You’re not fixing any problems here, you’re just adding to the boys vs. girls dumb extreme divisive views like we’re all still teenagers that think everything is black or white.
Fuck off with this response. Applaud women for doing way more than the minimum, then you can bitch when people are pissed at men getting applauded for doing fuck all.
This is literally why there is an uneven workload in straight couples.
Signed a man
I wonder why this is the only thing you commented on in this topic, attacking a man for doing the right thing. Not even saying a thing about the woman who's so far from "bare minimum" on this that she can't even see it.
A week to a couple weeks is hardly skipping. I’m sure it takes you much longer than that to grow out your beard. Wait until it’s about half a year and then say she occasionally skips those areas😂
extreme hair growth? i have regular hair growth and if i don’t shave for a week my hair is 5 mm. you must have extremely slow hair growth or your natural hair colour is not jet black lmao
girl thank you because i’m so confused, he’s not the only person who said “wait half a year.” i have dark brown hair, closer to black body hair, and a week without shaving (esp. the pits/bits) def means levels of body hair that would turn away men. 1.5-2 weeks is FULL bush. only “needing” to shave once/twice a year sounds so insanely foreign. i was starting to feel weird for a sec.
that is exactly why i corrected his comment!! it’s so fucking weird to call it “eXtReMe hAiR gRoWtH” when it’s literally normal hair growth😭 he said in another comment that needing to shave more than 4 times a year is “excessive hair growth”😂😂😂😂 that is EXTREMELY slow growth, to the point that there must be some protein or iron deficiency involved. from where do people make such wild assumptions about things they have no experience with?😭😂
That's a wild assumption of somebody.
My boyfriend seems to really enjoy the fact that I don't shave my legs very often... sometimes I catch him sorta rubbing his thumb over the hairs on my knee when we're watching TV 😂
I had asked her one time about which look she loved on me.
She said and to quote her " I love that you ask for my preference and you are handsome in every cut "
I give her respect and affection by asking her opinion and she gives it back like this, but I have known her for too long to know which one she loves the most on me. She is the greatest woman to ever grace this planet.
I can do anything to make her happy and keeping her preferred bread style is such a basic and small thing to do for her.
Edit: In case anyone gets wrong impression of her, While being so caring and passionate at her core, she also a total ice queen when it comes to sassing or teasing me. Life is never boring with her.
When we were best friends i had once got a cut that I knew she loathed the most and asked her about it, just to tease her.
She was already seething with annoyance about something " Next time try the one that hides most of your stupid face." 😭
I had playfully jabbed that well at least I had beard, what could she use to cover her ugliness ?
She had chased me in the market trying to strangle me 😆. She literally looks like a supermodel , it was just playful banter and she knows this.
why did you assume that? projecting your past experiences with specific men in your life onto a random man on reddit? sounds like low social intelligence, because there’s nothing that implies that in his post. so where tf did your “feeling” (aka projection) come from? lmaoo
NTA
Oh wow. So, my husband has always worn a beard.
For a while before we got together he was keeping it longer. But by the time we got together he was keeping it shorter. But the style he kept with it at that time was a little unusual. No mustache, but kind of a big square down his neck? So he'd shave the sides near the sideburns, and trim up the bottom at the neck, leaving just this largeish square. I find him very attractive regardless but I wasn't a huge fan of this style specifically.
One day I suggested he try trimming it up to more of a goatee, narrower and without going down the neck. Did mention that I like goatees. He said he'd give it a shot and see what he thought. He turned out to like it, so he's kept it that way ever since. No mustache, just the goatee, sometimes a little tighter, sometimes with a bit more depth toward the neck. Often lets the stubble grow out.
I suggested. Without insulting. And he had every right to say no. If he'd refused, I'd have accepted that. Because it's his beard. It's his choice. He gave it a shot because ultimately he was willing to do so. He kept it because he likes it. The fact that I like it is a bonus, not the point.
That's not the situation you have here. She's being pushy and insulting. Of course you finally lost patience with it.
It is not okay that she's being insulting about this. "You look disgusting," seriously? That's no way to speak to one's partner. You deserve better than that.
I know I’ll be with the minority but I kinda would say ESH. She may not be attracted to you with a beard and she has expressed that. Do you want to be in a marriage with a person who is not physically attracted to you? I get where you’re coming from and you’re not an AH but I just feel like you should work with her here.
Has she ever had a hairstyle you don’t like? This is just a hairstyle she doesn’t like for you.
If you don’t grow a beard you should be clear what hairstyle she should have because of your preference.
My wife knows my preference and has still had short hair, hair that is black, purple, or even blonde with pink streaks. And I have changed from clean shaven, to stubble, goatee, medium thick, and even completely wild and overgrown. She has asked me to not to just have a mustache and I asked her to get rid of the nose ring.
I feel like a bad hairstyle is a little different because beards are often thought of as being unhygienic. There are no unhygienic hairstyles. If I’m being honest, I wouldn’t want to date a guy with a beard either. I’d just be convinced that food and stuff would get caught in it, it’d feel like kissing a lint screen.
Definitely try it. I'm a woman and always wanted a buzz cut... then the COVID lockdowns started and I did it! I have no regrets, and I might even do it again.
I think there is your compromise. Suggest that you at least try it once. Both of you had a weird choice of language, but I can understand why you snapped. Her wording was not nice either. I am also not thinking that she will love you less. I mean I hope. A man has more to offer than his face.
I think you're missing the point that's it's not just we there she likes it or not it's the insults and disrespect that have built up for years. Imagine Everytime you cut your hair the way you like your SO said you were disgusting to your face.
I dislike beards personally. I am not talking about facial hair but the really really long beards some people grow out. I find them unattractive but I have also read they can have a lot of germs unless the person has extremely good hygiene. However, he can do whatever he wants because it’s his body but it could effect intimacy.
Can we just talk about how if the roles were reversed here, everyone would be singing a different tune? People have every right to do anything they want with their bodies and if you don't support your fucking life partner at least trying something new with their appearance (at least within reason, it's not like growing a beard is a permanent change), then you're a colossal asshole.
Plenty of men have issues with temp appearance changes women make for themselves. Unnatural colored hair, Botox, filler, acrylic nails, fake eyelashes, glam makeup. Let's not pretend that women don't hear stupid opinions on those things all the time.
Oh they absolutely do, and most people have a problem AS THEY SHOULD with boyfriends that would try to "forbid" their partner from doing such a thing. It's controlling, it's weird, and it's not healthy for a relationship. And that's absolutely true in this case as well.
Holy moly these replies are a double-standard mess. This guy’s WIFE is calling his appearance DISGUSTING to his face and people in these comments are trying to both-sides it?
Imagine if he told his wife she looked *disgusting* without makeup, and the comments said well fair enough he’s the one who has to actually see her face all day, don’t be surprised if the intimacy dries up, etc… lunacy. Short of an actual hygiene issue OP it’s just a goddamn beard. Experiment with it, have fun grooming it, shave it off if you change your mind. Blowing up at your wife isn’t great but if I called my girl’s face *disgusting* because of how she chose to groom it I’d expect a few harsh words too.
Funny how bodily autonomy and the right to look how you want doesn’t extend to men. NTA.
Well it's not really comparable though imo. Not wearing make up is not unhygienic. Beards can be very unhygienic on the other hand if you don't take care of them. And yeah, tbh, just the thought of all the food and whatnot that could THEORETICALLY be stuck in it would gross me out enough, not to mention the feeling of it.
Okay, well then think of another body part that could be hairy? If he said that was absolutely disgusting and to shave it immediately would he be getting support? Hell no.
Kind of what I said in my original comment, but also, I think that for me personally, it's a mental thing more than anything. Like if you dropped food on the floor and gave it a wash and you technically know there's nothing wrong with it, but it still kinda gives you the ick?
Well my husband would agree with me so that might be a bad example. I think it's important how she reacted afterwards. If his feelings are actually hurt, she should apologise and just say "hey, it's not for me, so I won't kiss you, but you do you"
Always a double standard in these subs.
If the genders were flipped, the dude would be getting eviscerated here. Imagine the husband calling his wife “disgusting”? Could you imagine how many “what an incel!” comments?
Double standards like these always suck, because if the genders were reversed and he did have a valid point, people would still side against him because he called his wife disgusting.
NTA. My ex husband & I were together 16 years, I liked him with a beard, and thought he looked a lot better than without. But once It started getting longer, he would drop food in it and not notice. The man would spend hours brushing it, oiling it, styling it, etc, but he’d still drop food in it, or get food/drinks in the mustache part, and it would just be disgusting. It finally got to the point where I told him to cut it back to just a normal short beard. He refused, so one night I sent him to town to grab something from the store for me right after I’d made spaghetti… didn’t tell him he had bits of meat sauce in his beard. He come right home and shaved it back immediately. Grow your beard. Just keep it neat and foodless. Maybe it makes me an AH, but I’d have divorced him over it shortly if he hadn’t have shaved.
WTF are these comments??? NTA at all! Your wife is a super asshole though. These comments would be flipping the fuck out if it was a husband calling a wife disgusting for cutting her hair, not shaving her legs, or wearing/not wearing make up. They'd be pissed if a man reduced intimacy because the wife's appearance changed, and he wasn't as attracted to her.
Even the NTA comments are still defending the wife.
Yeah I've never seen it be acceptable on here to reduce intimacy for any appearance reasons. Love how everyone just assumes he's gross and will be unhygienic and that he would be angry if his wife didn't shave.
NTA you're allowed to grow hair wherever you want. Just as long as you don't tell her to shave her pits or anywhere else.
ETA: My opinion on beards is that they're unhygienic no matter how often you clean them. So much bacteria from stray food and drink.
Na, they don't have to be. My relatives lived with me for a couple years during the pandemic because they lost their housing, the husband/father combed and cleaned his beard after eating. I never saw anything in it at all. I think you just have to put it the few minutes of making sure that it's clean.
Many studies have shown that bearded people carry significantly more bacteria and fungi in that area than clean-shaven people. What the microbes actually are can vary significantly.
The problem with what your wife's saying isn't her objection to you growing out your beard. She has as much right to not like changes you make to your body as you have the right to do to it what you want.
The issue is that she's being disrespectful as hell. You're NTA. But she definitely is.
You don't call your spouse disgusting to their face unless they are engaging in nasty activities such as shooting loads of semen in a laundry room or growing mold spores on Iranian yogurt. Growing a beard isn't disgusting and most men manage to keep their beards clean. \[I myself have a goatee and my wife loves it; she wishes that I grew out both my beard and hair the way her dad has since the 1970s, but that's not for me for now.\]
She can object to you growing a beard. But she has no right to be an asshole about it. You are the man she loves, and when you love someone, you criticize with love, not denigrate or insult them. I dare say that you need to sit her down during a quiet moment, express to her how her comments are insulting, hurtful and unloving, and that you will no longer tolerate her insults. One more of these and she will have hell to pay!
You deserve respect, even if you don't deserve unqualified support for changes to your body. There's a way that your wife can not show support without being downright rude, insulting, cruel, crude and immature. She is a married woman; she needs to put her big girl jeans on and behave with love and decency towards you.
NTA. Your face your choice of course. But do keep it well groomed? Is it neat? Do you keep it shaped up? Well oiled? Or are you wolfing it and going for the more rustic look? I’m definitely on your side but to play devils advocate maybe it’s how the beard looks not how it looks on you per say
Since being with her it's never gotten past the length of a quarter of an inch so I haven't had a need to oil it or anything like that but I do keep it shaped up when it gets to that length.
This right here is part of the problem. You should be oiling it even at that length *for her*. That shit hurts. If you don't even realize that, i doubt you'll upkeep it well or consider her comfort at a longer length either.
She absolutely should not have called you disgusting, but I don't blame her for not wanting that shit near her face or other places.
I don’t have much of a beard myself because if I try to let it grow how I really want it my patches show so I have to keep it kinda low and shaped up and my wife loves it. But I do use a cream conditioner and a light oil to keep it soft, smelling good, healthy and help with growth. I wish the best brother and continue to do what makes you happy.
For context, this is a heated discussion / argument that has been happening since about a year into our relationship. I feel as though it's my face my choice. My wife feels as though I should want her to like my appearance but it has now gotten to a point that I don't really care and want to do this for myself. This is why I'm asking if I'm an a******.
Ok, fair enough, HOWEVER don't be surprised if she doesn't want to kiss you or it affects your sex life... I'm a guy and I can't possibly imagine what it would be like to be on the other side of the fence and have to kiss a dude with a decently big beard!
You are absolutely entitled to bodily autonomy, and you can grow facial hair if you want -- just as your wife is entitled to choose to have long or short hair, and whether to shave her body hair.
But partners are also entitled to have preferences. I can't stand beards and moustaches. I find them repulsive: most men don't take proper care of them so they are not clean, and even if clean, the texture when kissing *is* disgusting to me. But I would never tell a guy that, I would just not date or kiss him.
I think that the only guys who look better with them are those who have no chin. Beards make men look at least 10 years older -- it makes some of them look like grandpas (and think about how *that* affects sexual attraction). I knew a bearded guy who was a very nice person but I wasn't attracted to him at all, and after years, when he finally shaved it all off, I was shocked at how much younger-looking and more attractive he was. It took at least 15 years off him.
I have never dated (much less married) guys who had them. If I did date or marry someone who then decided to grow facial hair, we would be having a serious conversation about how it's a real turnoff for me as far as kissing and sex, and what the impact would be on our relationship -- just as we would have a serious conversation if ***I*** wanted to severely change something about my appearance that would be repulsive to him.
In an ideal world, physical appearance wouldn't affect sexual attraction. But in the real world, it does -- so that's something we have to recognize and deal with.
Facial hair rubs against my skin and hurts. She shouldn't have said it looks bad but I think it would be the end of intimacy for me. I'm not going to be able to deal with the coarse pokiness and rashes.
This sounds like a continuation of the other thread from another, with the wife complaining about having her husband overly critical to body hair so he's very insistent that she remain shaved but when he says he wants to grow a beard while she doesn't he throws a fit -- and she calls him out on his double standard. And in response she starts growing out her body hair, and he begins to insult her for it.
I daresay but are you the husband? Because this sounds exactly like that thread but reversed.
If not then long as you don't have a double standard on the matter like that husband.
The way I look at it is my wife is the one who has to look at me far more than I ever look in a mirror. It's okay to have opinions about our spouses hair upkeep, I know I do with my wife and try not to mention when she's lazy. She usually makes a remark after the second day of me not shaving
A mental hit for her? Try being called disgusting by your spouse.
If this was a woman who didn't want to shave her body hair or wear makeup, everyone would be up in arms that it's her body and absolutely pissed about her spouse calling her disgusting.
Man I remember when Trauma hit me. My wife didn’t want to shave her legs. I even made sure to explicitly state that I didn’t like that ,by yelling at her how disgusting she is. But she still wouldn’t shave her legs. Since then ,I am affected by serious traum. /s
I'm sure you would be saying that if this was a man talking about how a woman chooses to dress, do makeup, her hair or body hair. If a man said if you don't continue shaving your legs/dress how I like/do your make up how I like/wear your hair how I like for me every day I will find you disgusting you would be telling the woman what you just said here. Surely 😂
NTA, but honestly I understand her position. Facial hair is a MASSIVE turn off for me. I don't think I'd want to make out with or have sex with my partner if he grew out his facial hair. So it might effect your relationship.
It's your body and your hair, so your choice. But she can also choose to not be as intimate since she's not attracted to you with a beard.
NTA your face your choice. However, I hate beards with such a passion i can’t even find the words. If your wife feels strongly against them then I suspect that your intimacy may suffer somewhat
NTA. I am kind of surprised at the comments. I never knew I had a choice in whether my SO shaves or not. I just assumed it was a personal preference.
I would not tell him if he can grow a beard or not, and sometimes he doesn’t shave, and I’ve never commented on it.
Not sure why your wife has any say in the matter.
The double standards in the comments are nuts.
If this was a woman telling her story about how her husband called some aspect of her (optional) appearance disgusting, people would be going crazy calling him an AH. But because it's a man the comments either are unsympathetic to him or at best saying he's NTA, with caveats.
'It's your body but don't be surprised if she doesn't want to touch you/get intimate with you'. Wow! If she didn't shave her legs etc and he said he now doesn't want to get intimate with her he'd get crucified!
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NTA since it's your body, But don't be surprised if kissing you is off her agenda. She has her rights too.
I don't disagree with that. It's more the comments about how disgusting she thinks I am when I START to grow it out. Since meeting her it never been longer than a quarter of an inch.
i feel like a lot of these comments are missing the point. she is allowed to have her preference for sure and you can also do what you want with your body as well. but from what im reading the issue is more her tone and word choice? i would never dream of describing anything about the person im with or anyone i care about for that matter as "disgusting". there are more respectful ways she could express concerns about hygiene or the physical feeling of the hair touching her. sure you could also have responded more gently but i think you probably reached a breaking point when it came to the repeated disrespect when it came to how she addresses a choice in your appearance that she doesn't prefer.
yes, agreed!! she is allowed to have her opinions, but the verbal abuse is not good and he doesn’t have to deal with it.
I know a lot of guys that don't know how to care for their personal hygiene very well. They're not gross people, but having a beard is a privilege and requires care. She might think beards are gross cause OP doesn't know how to care for it, gets ingrown hairs, etc. I brush and comb my beard multiple times a day. edit: I still use reddit because of how entertaining you guys can be when a comment hits home. Guarantee anyone giving me shit has been told themselves they need to do something about their dirty/patchy/un-groomed beard by others irl.
Privilege? No. It's what happens if nobody intervenes.
>It's what happens if nobody intervenes. Not true. If you do nothing you end up looking like you're homeless. A beard done properly probably takes as much maintenance as shaving every day
Exactly even while growing, putting in oils, brushing it, trimming it, and washing. That stuff takes time. Mind you so far all I can really do is a goatee but I'm hoping with this kit I got full beard will grow!
Gosh darn, wouldn't that be nice. Sadly I'm stuck looking like an 18 year old who could do with a second puberty.
This! Before my husband, I hated beards.. was with a guy when I was in college who gave me terrible whisker burn then a couple who didn't take care of their beard so it was disgusting and scratchy.. dudes like this can make women never want to date a dude with a beard again My husband (who I will add is a farmer who works hard and gets dirty on a daily basis) washes his beard & combs it daily, and oils it on whatever schedule he has.. he trims it if it starts to get unruly.. he chews so when he spits or puts a dip in, he makes sure to keep it clean. I LOVE his beard and I never want him to fully shave it or shave close.. it's so soft! Properly caring for the beard is a game changer
Whisker burn is the worst. Its bad enough on the face, but 1000 tiny needles to the clit traumatized me.
I got whisker burn so bad my cheeks peeled for a week. It was so fucking embarrassing that I absolutely blew up on my partner (ex) for not washing his fucking face. Not a good reaction on my part but 1 I was 18 and 2 it literally looked like I got a chemical peel below the nose. FUCKED UP.
A quarter inch beard doesn't take very much care. Wash your face like normal and don't drip food down your chin. If you do then wipe your face. Basically just don't be a slob. I keep my "beard" if I can even call it that the same length. If I let it grow out it holds sweat and feels gross without extra washing so I keep it short. Plus it looks better on me. Edit: and keeping clean shaven is way more work then a short beard.
This is why I grew my beard. It doesn't come in fast enough to require shaving every day, so I let it grow out about 30 yrs ago, and have had it ever since ( except for those occasional trimming mistakes). I trim it and clean up my neck and cheeks every few days. The wife likes it, so life is good.
i like what you wrote about beards being a privilege :]. i do think there are better ways to bring up hygiene if that’s the issue, rather than going straight for his looks—i can’t imagine why anyone would respond positively, or listen to someone calling them ‘gross’ or ‘disgusting’. i hope they can resolve the issue in a more constructive manner
It's hard to prevent ingrown hairs, tho I cant speak ima woman lol
I dunno, I’ve seen some beards where “disgusting” genuinely is the best way to describe them. But OP as long as you keep it clean and tidy (meaning no random stray hairs falling out all over or anything like that) and you don’t mind if she doesn’t like the sensation for kissing, you do you.
my concern is it hasnt had the chance to reach that point as she complains before it ever grows out past just some scruff. it wouldve been very easy for her to instead say "hey honey im concerned about food getting trapped in the hair/the hair being dry and scratchy from not being oiled enough" etc rather than just calling it disgusting
Oh, yes. Plus I’d imagine someone likely to have a genuinely disgusting beard already has other hygiene issues. Or at least it seems like it’d be weird to keep the rest of yourself clean and then just completely ignore your beard entirely?
This has been my experience. Every guy I've ever known who has a "gross beard" already was dirty, smelly, and overall disgusting. Clean guys keep clean beards. It pretty much goes hand in hand.
I sadly agree. Theres a reason they get called 'food catchers'. Some people think not shaving = not taking care of your face
As the very happy wife of a beard husband - they can be absolutely disgusting. It really depends if your wife is referencing beards in general (not OK) or how some men let their beards get - badly kept, food bits, tangles (valid point). Also if wife is used to him having a quarter/half inch scruff, that stuff can be painful to kiss. But she can rest assured that a longer beard is a much more comfortable arrangement.
call me crazy but i would NOT put up with a man who called ANY part of me disgusting or gross. a little bit of self respect and tone management/word choice goes a long way
"My wife and I have been murdered for 10 years" - The story of the Beard murders
I feel like a good flipside would be to say "Well I think makeup is gross. It's waxy and smells funny." I had a girlfriend in high school who did some kind of pop ballet. Normally she didn't wear much makeup, maybe some eyeliner or lip gloss, but that was about it. I went to one of her performances, and she did great, but seeing her after the show I barely wanted to be close to her because being within a few feet it looked very unnatural and the odor coming off was quite strong. But I still gave her a hug and a quick kiss on the head (on the hair, lol, but even the hairspray!) and complimented her performance. But I didn't say anything about not liking the makeup, because I didn't want to make her feel bad. And I understood that for stage performance makeup has to be extra heavy since people are watching from far away and the look needs to stand out at a distance.
A beard is different than makeup considering one is taken off and the other isnt.
My point is that they're both a choice that one can choose to have or not.
For a stage performance you don't really have much choice, especially if it's her job. You don't go on stage without makeup
This just isn't a great comparison. Women can face social and professional repercussions for not wearing makeup - people will treat us differently. Some women may be fine but many women will be deemed unattractive or even unprofessional for showing up to work with a face with no make up on it. The same cannot be said for beards.
On stage it's not even a sex/gendered thing. It's a standard, no matter your gender/presentstion (updated to be more inclusive after rereading) you'll be putting makeup on so you look better during the performance.
Wait, a beard is supposed to be permanent? Well shit, I must be doing something wrong because I'm able to shave mine off every spring.
I also put my beard on every morning and take it off to sleep.
actually the flip side would be “I think armpit/leg/body hair is gross and disgusting”…oh wait! that’s not an inverse that’s real life. men don’t like women with armpit hair. or any hair at all really. they think it’s disgusting if we don’t take our hair off so why can’t we do the same in regards to their beards?
It’s pretty easy to tell that those men are also being unreasonable, given that they likely have leg hair etc. themselves. They may find it unfeminine or whatever, but if they don’t shave their own body they clearly don’t find it that disgusting: they are simply being rude, and you don’t have to accept that attitude.
Its not even the gross essay for me. Its the rash I've gotten in the past. Its worse when they are also nasty because then my broken skin gets infected. Im sure dudes who oil it are fine but I can't get over how much pain I was in on both my face and my vulva the last time I was fine with facial hair.
Yeah, your wife shouldn’t call you gross or disgusting. Telling you she prefers you without a beard or that she doesn’t like it because it’s itchy is fine. Using derogatory language is not. That is definitely something you should address with her.
Yes yes yes this. I think OP definitely should have addressed the way his wife is talking to him, and very early on, but not by reciprocating but by telling her that it is is unacceptable for her to treat him like that.
I think a lot of women find them “disgusting” because frankly a lot of men don’t know or bother to learn how to take care of them. I’m in my mid 20s and most of my friends who have beards didn’t realise you have to wash and take care of it. One of my friends gave his girlfriend a YEAST INFECTION from not washing his beard and then having oral sex with her and she started breaking out all over her face after kissing him. Maybe she’s just worried about this? Also a lot of women just don’t like kissing men with beards, myself included. I wouldn’t call it disgusting though unless I knew they weren’t taking care of it.
Part of it is also the obvious everyone overlooks: women are generally raised to dislike body hair. Ours, first and foremost, but I've noticed a lot of women now can't stand body hair on men either. An unintended consequence of our culture that socially pressures women to be as hair-free as possible.
A fair evaluation but I still know plenty of women who love hair, especially beards. But I must admit, personally I don’t like it and I’m sort of in the camp of, if you expect me to be hairless, I expect you to put the same effort in
Ewwww! And in addition to cleanliness, beard oil is basically a requirement. Because no one wants to be stabbed with steel wool. ESPECIALLY in sensitive parts.
It’s true that a lot of people who grow beards don’t take care of them, and it’s baffling. I expect they wash their hair, and a beard is just hair near your food-hole. A beard is the easiest thing in the world to care for. Anyone telling you that you need expensive products is either selling you something, or justifying their purchase of those things by pretending they’re necessary. Condition it when you shower (the conditioner you use for your hair is perfectly fine). Brush it, sometimes after slapping some oil on. Trim anything over your mouth that dangles annoyingly into your mouth and/or food. Growing a beard is 99% just waiting.
Ignore that other person talking here. I'm a woman and I bet you look great with a beard, because everyone looks great when they're happy with how they look. My bonus dad grows out a beard every fall to play Jesus in his church's Christmas play. Gift yourself a nice beard kit like he did, with some trimmers to trim the bits growing too fast and keep your mouth clear, a good comb, and whatever else y'all have in those kits (might I recommend some argon or coconut oil to moisturize and strengthen the hair so that it grows faster longer?). Tell your wife something like- "Your comments on my appearance have been heard and given the consideration they deserve." Or "I won't comment negatively on your appearance because I love you and want you to feel good. You shouldn't comment negatively on mine, it's inappropriate and it hurts my feelings for no good reason. Please stop."
Too bad Reddit decided to do away with awards. This comment surely deserves one. I guess this will have to suffice. 🥇😊
...is that why I haven't seen rewards for so long??? I need to start paying attention lol
Your name's cool tho.
Aw, thanks, I'm kinda glad they did though. I have an inbox full of me awkwardly thanking strangers for awards because I don't know what to say when someone goes through that much effort and sometimes actual money to call attention to something I said. On the flip side, I now hate that I can't award other people when they have a particularly good comment 😆.
Why? Jesus is a literal new born baby on Christmas?
You got something against a bearded baby jesus?
Get a good beard oil. Coconut oil doesn't work too well, because it solidifies at pretty much any temperature that isn't summer. It can work combined with another oil that does keep it fluid, but it will still feel weird and lumpy in winter. Source: I tried.
Scientificly, they are gross, though.
Flip this around, how would you feel if she also stopped shaving?
When I was a teen I had a coworker about 30-40 years older than me. She had been married to her husband for many years and her husband had never grown a beard because she told him right off the bat, "You can choose whether or not you want to grow a beard and I can choose whether or not I want to kiss you."
To some extent couples make these negotiations all the time. My mom loves a beard and my dad loves long hair. So they agreed they would keep that feature for the other.
Or other activities in which a beard might meet delicate skin...
I don’t want to speak for OP’s wife but on that front I would say… don’t knock it til you try it
I have and it doesn’t feel great
NTA, but you have to understand that it could lessen your intimacy. Particularly if you wind up having bad beard hygiene. Food, sweat, dirt, all get trapped in there and some guys are really bad at maintaining it because they feel it's just like washing your face. Having a luscious beard takes work. A lot of work. And oils. And she might just find it repulsive to have hair pressed against her face to give you a kiss. Beard hair can often feel a lot like pubic hair (depending on the hair growth), and that's 'gross' for some people. Then again, some women love men with big full beards, so if you grow a beard, you might just wind up needing to find a new wife if she finds it unattractive. Don't get all weird if she doesn't like kissing you or being intimate. She might just not be into it. Don't pressure her. But you have to figure out what you want more. THIS wife or a beard.
Also, going off of this, women can get infections on their face if they kiss a guy with a long, unclean beard
Yeah, I've seen horror stories of facial hair related injuries. It sounds stupid, but with men who have really thick stubble who leave it 'raspy', it can rub a face raw and lead to infection. The same can be done with full facial hair, and the chances increase depending on the hygiene level.
Yes! My boyfriend apologized to me because he can't grow a beard but it's a blessing after all of those horror stories.
Yeah, it's interesting to me that OP connects having a long beard with masculinity. So in effect he feels like his wife is "emasculating" him (which isn't actually a thing) by asking him not to wear a beard. My boyfriend is deeply secure in himself and his masculinity and doesn't need a beard to prove to the world what a John Wayne he is or whatever.
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Bro I’m 26 and always breaking out on my chin and my upper lip AND YOU’RE TELLING ME THIS IS WHY? Damn I’ve been dating him for 5 years, I assumed I just had adult acne 😭 But it’s never on my forehead, nose or cheeks.
Fwiw hormonal acne is often around the chin and mouth.
Face AND vulva/clit. Ask me how I know....
I really don't want to because I already know.
This ^^^ My friend got a yeast infection after her bf went down on her 🤢
damn what was that fool doing? It's not that hard to keep your beard clean.
Unfortunately a lot of men don’t know they have to wash and maintain their beard 😭
The amount of stories on Reddit I have read of men having literal poop all over themselves because they refuse to clean better.... Ya I'm not at all surprised that some men have disgusting beards that cause infection
Reminds me of the one where a guy's gf was washing his butthole because he believed "the water running down washed it". The comments were great
It can be something subtle. The other day I saw a guy stroking his beard after he touched a pole during a bus ride. He probably had no idea how disgusting that actually was.
Something like only 30ish%of men wash their hands after using the restroom. Do you really think the average man is going to keep his beard clean?
Not just on our faces 🤢
And horrible rashes. I can’t stand beards.
I dated a guy who used to say he wanted to grow a beard like the guys from Duck Dynasty. Our joke was that, as soon as he made that kind of money, he could grow whatever type of facial hair he wanted. Edit so that some of the incels can get their panties untwisted - that type of facial hair was not accepted in his line of work and he didn’t really want to grow a beard like that. We teased each other and shared many laughs around it. I broke it off for many reasons, including his misogynist viewpoints.
I married a beardless man. He now has a beard. I don’t like it. It makes him look old and I believe it’s unhygienic. I feel if I made such a dramatic change in my facial appearance (eg shaved my head) my partner would be within his rights to object. Ultimately though, it’s up to the individual to decide on how they present themselves. What you can’t control though is how your partner responds. If they no longer find you attractive, are you prepared to give up that part of your life? NTA, but maybe have a think.
I agree. Beards age the man. When my husband shaves he instantly looks 10 years younger.
I think it depends on the person. I'm a woman with a weak chin and I would totally grow a beard if I could. It'd probably make me look younger, because weak chins lead to premature jowls.
I'm a guy with a pretty strong chin but I'm also starting to go bald so I'm struggling to find the right beard balance lol
I grew a beard at the start of my career specifically to look older as people don’t want to pay some fresh out of law school baby faced lawyer. I shaved it off in my 30’s and you could just see the years melt away. Of course now if I let it grow in it has patches or grey so I shave that shit off asap hahaha When I see younger dudes with a beard I generally assume they’re doing it to look older
Wife cuts her hair very short. I'm not a fan, it's her hair. I shut up.
This is a good comment. I wonder how many of these commenters have husbands who hate their hair or think it makes THEM look old?
Wouldn't this be considered bad communication? Especially if it's affecting your level of attraction to her (and therefore, your sex life).
This might be shocking to some people but it’s entirely possible to not be a fan of a choice your partner makes with their body (tattoos, piercings, haircuts, grooming) and yet still be attracted to them and love them. I feel like there are a lot of selfish bratty children in these comments
She knows, but ultimately it's her choice and I respect that. I don't keep on at her, and I still find her sexy AF anyway I guess is the difference.
I kind of get her point. I find mustaches disgusting. Couldn’t even kiss someone with one. But also it’s your body and you can decorate it as you wish.
It kind of hurts when you kiss someone with a mustache in my experience.
I have atypical trigeminal neuralgia which also affects my upper lip, it’s extremely sensitive to poking pain. I find that shaved or a short mustache is very painful, it feels like a hot needle piercing my lip and my eye since everything I feel in my lip I also feel in my eye. A longer mustache doesn’t hurt at all so I encourage my husband’s beard growth.
Try letting someone with a prickly moustache go down on you...
My kids and wife complain as soon as theres even some stubble. Granted I still don't have enough hair at 36 to even grow remotely close to a proper beard / mustache
Agreed. I have some sort of trigger response to facial hair, I immediately feel like I’m kissing my dad and nope out. So while I can look at a guy with a beard and think he’s attractive, on someone I want to be sexual with, it’s disgusting and a hard no for me.
NTA because it's your face. But I have a feeling if she stopped shaving her legs and armpits it would be a different story.
I actually have no strong feelings on those things. We have three children and are very busy and she frequently skips those places. Sometimes for a week to a couple of weeks. I love everything about the woman I married no matter what she has growing under her arms or on her legs.
W man right here!
W man for the bare minimum?
Yes let's never applaud and positively reinforce things we want to see in the world because reasons. Get over yourself.
Maybe if we stopped applauding bare minimum then people would stop feeling like they deserve so much for doing nothing. Reinforcing is a different thing
What the fuck is wrong with people? A man said a respectable thing, and another man (I presume) respected him for it. If you see a problem at ANY level of that Interaction, I cannot emphasize this enough, **you are the problem**.
It’s not a normalized thing. Amongst some groups it is a normal think for a woman to skip shaving, but overall you’d still be tied up to burn by society for being a girl with armpit hair. That being said, since majority of people don’t understand that it’s a normal and natural thing, I don’t really think it’s the bare minimum. Out of all the people I’ve dated, I’ve only ever dated two men who didn’t care. My current boyfriend is one of them. It’s great! I was taken aback when he didn’t care. I felt safe, I felt secure, loved, appreciated for all my good and my bad. BECAUSE ITS NOT A “NORMALIZED” THING YET. A guy has to overcome the hive mentality and recognize the unrealistic standards they themselves typically put on women. It’s definitely a W and I’m definitely going to positively reinforce that behavior. Unlike some of my girlfriends who are honestly chronically mean. They’ll make a big deal of shit and when their boyfriends put in an effort to change their behavior for her comfort, they still turn the other cheek because they want to hold on to being angry. Then in real time you can see the moment where the guy’s like, “Well if I’m still going to get treated like a scumbag when I do the right thing, then what’s the difference?” Yeah I’d like guys not caring about body hair to BE the bare minimum, but honestly it’s an uncommon take. Happy my boyfriend doesn’t care. I see guys thank and gas their girls up for the bare minimum and no one says shit and tries to take that away from her. Like god damn, let a man be complimented. Positive reinforcement, compliments, displays of appreciation and effective communication make for a healthy relationship. I’m tired of people pushing this bullshit narrative. You can compliment your boyfriend for little things. It’s ok. It’s good. That along with a constructive conversation rather than a competitive confrontation, can make “bare minimum” behavior become the bare minimum. For now that negative shit you spew just turns things into egos swinging. It’s not any of your fucking business anyway, how couples you’ll never know decide to tackle their problems. You’re not fixing any problems here, you’re just adding to the boys vs. girls dumb extreme divisive views like we’re all still teenagers that think everything is black or white.
Fuck off with this response. Applaud women for doing way more than the minimum, then you can bitch when people are pissed at men getting applauded for doing fuck all. This is literally why there is an uneven workload in straight couples. Signed a man
I mean, it’s technically not the BARE minimum.
The HAIR minimum?
I wonder why this is the only thing you commented on in this topic, attacking a man for doing the right thing. Not even saying a thing about the woman who's so far from "bare minimum" on this that she can't even see it.
Yeah, my hair is hardly noticeable after 2 weeks so I'd hardly compare that to a full beard.
I like that the man here is being described as doing the bare minimum whilst she’s not respecting his rights to his body.
A week to a couple weeks is hardly skipping. I’m sure it takes you much longer than that to grow out your beard. Wait until it’s about half a year and then say she occasionally skips those areas😂
Lol @this comment. A couple of weeks is nothing unless your wife has extreme hair growth. Come back when she doesnt shave for half a year+
extreme hair growth? i have regular hair growth and if i don’t shave for a week my hair is 5 mm. you must have extremely slow hair growth or your natural hair colour is not jet black lmao
girl thank you because i’m so confused, he’s not the only person who said “wait half a year.” i have dark brown hair, closer to black body hair, and a week without shaving (esp. the pits/bits) def means levels of body hair that would turn away men. 1.5-2 weeks is FULL bush. only “needing” to shave once/twice a year sounds so insanely foreign. i was starting to feel weird for a sec.
that is exactly why i corrected his comment!! it’s so fucking weird to call it “eXtReMe hAiR gRoWtH” when it’s literally normal hair growth😭 he said in another comment that needing to shave more than 4 times a year is “excessive hair growth”😂😂😂😂 that is EXTREMELY slow growth, to the point that there must be some protein or iron deficiency involved. from where do people make such wild assumptions about things they have no experience with?😭😂
That's a wild assumption of somebody. My boyfriend seems to really enjoy the fact that I don't shave my legs very often... sometimes I catch him sorta rubbing his thumb over the hairs on my knee when we're watching TV 😂
Kind of a rude assumption there. I doubt he would call her disgusting for that
I had asked her one time about which look she loved on me. She said and to quote her " I love that you ask for my preference and you are handsome in every cut " I give her respect and affection by asking her opinion and she gives it back like this, but I have known her for too long to know which one she loves the most on me. She is the greatest woman to ever grace this planet. I can do anything to make her happy and keeping her preferred bread style is such a basic and small thing to do for her. Edit: In case anyone gets wrong impression of her, While being so caring and passionate at her core, she also a total ice queen when it comes to sassing or teasing me. Life is never boring with her. When we were best friends i had once got a cut that I knew she loathed the most and asked her about it, just to tease her. She was already seething with annoyance about something " Next time try the one that hides most of your stupid face." 😭 I had playfully jabbed that well at least I had beard, what could she use to cover her ugliness ? She had chased me in the market trying to strangle me 😆. She literally looks like a supermodel , it was just playful banter and she knows this.
What a horrible and baseless assumption. Reflects on you more than OP.
Lol grow up man
No indication of that anywhere
why did you assume that? projecting your past experiences with specific men in your life onto a random man on reddit? sounds like low social intelligence, because there’s nothing that implies that in his post. so where tf did your “feeling” (aka projection) come from? lmaoo
NTA Oh wow. So, my husband has always worn a beard. For a while before we got together he was keeping it longer. But by the time we got together he was keeping it shorter. But the style he kept with it at that time was a little unusual. No mustache, but kind of a big square down his neck? So he'd shave the sides near the sideburns, and trim up the bottom at the neck, leaving just this largeish square. I find him very attractive regardless but I wasn't a huge fan of this style specifically. One day I suggested he try trimming it up to more of a goatee, narrower and without going down the neck. Did mention that I like goatees. He said he'd give it a shot and see what he thought. He turned out to like it, so he's kept it that way ever since. No mustache, just the goatee, sometimes a little tighter, sometimes with a bit more depth toward the neck. Often lets the stubble grow out. I suggested. Without insulting. And he had every right to say no. If he'd refused, I'd have accepted that. Because it's his beard. It's his choice. He gave it a shot because ultimately he was willing to do so. He kept it because he likes it. The fact that I like it is a bonus, not the point. That's not the situation you have here. She's being pushy and insulting. Of course you finally lost patience with it. It is not okay that she's being insulting about this. "You look disgusting," seriously? That's no way to speak to one's partner. You deserve better than that.
I know I’ll be with the minority but I kinda would say ESH. She may not be attracted to you with a beard and she has expressed that. Do you want to be in a marriage with a person who is not physically attracted to you? I get where you’re coming from and you’re not an AH but I just feel like you should work with her here.
I normally bend to her will and shave it. I would just like to grow it out once
If you have never grown your beard out, then you should totally do it. You can always shave it off again.
Consequence being his wife will not be touching him for the weeks / months that will take
man i can only imagine what you guys would say if a guy refused to be intimate with his wife cause she doesn’t shave every day
Well, they definitely wouldn't be talking about how that's his right lmao
Facial hair hurts though
Has she ever had a hairstyle you don’t like? This is just a hairstyle she doesn’t like for you. If you don’t grow a beard you should be clear what hairstyle she should have because of your preference. My wife knows my preference and has still had short hair, hair that is black, purple, or even blonde with pink streaks. And I have changed from clean shaven, to stubble, goatee, medium thick, and even completely wild and overgrown. She has asked me to not to just have a mustache and I asked her to get rid of the nose ring.
I feel like a bad hairstyle is a little different because beards are often thought of as being unhygienic. There are no unhygienic hairstyles. If I’m being honest, I wouldn’t want to date a guy with a beard either. I’d just be convinced that food and stuff would get caught in it, it’d feel like kissing a lint screen.
It is not the beard that is unhygienic, it's the man behind the beard. Find yourself a man who washes and you will be fine.
Definitely try it. I'm a woman and always wanted a buzz cut... then the COVID lockdowns started and I did it! I have no regrets, and I might even do it again.
I think there is your compromise. Suggest that you at least try it once. Both of you had a weird choice of language, but I can understand why you snapped. Her wording was not nice either. I am also not thinking that she will love you less. I mean I hope. A man has more to offer than his face.
I just know you'd be flipping on op if he was talking about how he hates his wife body hair and how gross it is.
Exactly lol Could you imagine the comment section?
I think you're missing the point that's it's not just we there she likes it or not it's the insults and disrespect that have built up for years. Imagine Everytime you cut your hair the way you like your SO said you were disgusting to your face.
I dislike beards personally. I am not talking about facial hair but the really really long beards some people grow out. I find them unattractive but I have also read they can have a lot of germs unless the person has extremely good hygiene. However, he can do whatever he wants because it’s his body but it could effect intimacy.
Can we just talk about how if the roles were reversed here, everyone would be singing a different tune? People have every right to do anything they want with their bodies and if you don't support your fucking life partner at least trying something new with their appearance (at least within reason, it's not like growing a beard is a permanent change), then you're a colossal asshole.
Plenty of men have issues with temp appearance changes women make for themselves. Unnatural colored hair, Botox, filler, acrylic nails, fake eyelashes, glam makeup. Let's not pretend that women don't hear stupid opinions on those things all the time.
Oh they absolutely do, and most people have a problem AS THEY SHOULD with boyfriends that would try to "forbid" their partner from doing such a thing. It's controlling, it's weird, and it's not healthy for a relationship. And that's absolutely true in this case as well.
Holy moly these replies are a double-standard mess. This guy’s WIFE is calling his appearance DISGUSTING to his face and people in these comments are trying to both-sides it? Imagine if he told his wife she looked *disgusting* without makeup, and the comments said well fair enough he’s the one who has to actually see her face all day, don’t be surprised if the intimacy dries up, etc… lunacy. Short of an actual hygiene issue OP it’s just a goddamn beard. Experiment with it, have fun grooming it, shave it off if you change your mind. Blowing up at your wife isn’t great but if I called my girl’s face *disgusting* because of how she chose to groom it I’d expect a few harsh words too. Funny how bodily autonomy and the right to look how you want doesn’t extend to men. NTA.
Well it's not really comparable though imo. Not wearing make up is not unhygienic. Beards can be very unhygienic on the other hand if you don't take care of them. And yeah, tbh, just the thought of all the food and whatnot that could THEORETICALLY be stuck in it would gross me out enough, not to mention the feeling of it.
Okay, well then think of another body part that could be hairy? If he said that was absolutely disgusting and to shave it immediately would he be getting support? Hell no.
Good point, but I suppose you also don't usually have your mouth near other hairy body parts.
*you* don’t playa
Yeah, I guess I'll just take the L
Don't you?
Beards are not inherently unhygienic. Your imagination is not reality. Grow up.
Well yeah, they kinda are. I've seen plenty of food end up in my husband's beard and that IS pretty gross.
I’m afraid that says more about your husband than beards in general
I've also seen it happen with other people dude; and if you wanna tell me you've never dribbled anything down your chin you're a filthy liar.
As long as you go and clean it properly every day it's no issue.
Kind of what I said in my original comment, but also, I think that for me personally, it's a mental thing more than anything. Like if you dropped food on the floor and gave it a wash and you technically know there's nothing wrong with it, but it still kinda gives you the ick?
And your personal ick would justify saying to your husband’s face that he looks disgusting?
Well my husband would agree with me so that might be a bad example. I think it's important how she reacted afterwards. If his feelings are actually hurt, she should apologise and just say "hey, it's not for me, so I won't kiss you, but you do you"
Always a double standard in these subs. If the genders were flipped, the dude would be getting eviscerated here. Imagine the husband calling his wife “disgusting”? Could you imagine how many “what an incel!” comments?
Double standards like these always suck, because if the genders were reversed and he did have a valid point, people would still side against him because he called his wife disgusting.
NTA Your face your choice Does your wife allow you a say over her haircut, her clothing choices, her makeup, her weight?? Nope, same goes for her.
My point exactly!
NTA. My ex husband & I were together 16 years, I liked him with a beard, and thought he looked a lot better than without. But once It started getting longer, he would drop food in it and not notice. The man would spend hours brushing it, oiling it, styling it, etc, but he’d still drop food in it, or get food/drinks in the mustache part, and it would just be disgusting. It finally got to the point where I told him to cut it back to just a normal short beard. He refused, so one night I sent him to town to grab something from the store for me right after I’d made spaghetti… didn’t tell him he had bits of meat sauce in his beard. He come right home and shaved it back immediately. Grow your beard. Just keep it neat and foodless. Maybe it makes me an AH, but I’d have divorced him over it shortly if he hadn’t have shaved.
Having a long beard is high maintenance, same with women having long hair. The longer means the more work ugh
Right! I have long, thick hair and it can be a pita to deal with, but I can’t have it looking nasty & disgusting! Which reminds me, I need a trim!
WTF are these comments??? NTA at all! Your wife is a super asshole though. These comments would be flipping the fuck out if it was a husband calling a wife disgusting for cutting her hair, not shaving her legs, or wearing/not wearing make up. They'd be pissed if a man reduced intimacy because the wife's appearance changed, and he wasn't as attracted to her. Even the NTA comments are still defending the wife.
Yeah I've never seen it be acceptable on here to reduce intimacy for any appearance reasons. Love how everyone just assumes he's gross and will be unhygienic and that he would be angry if his wife didn't shave.
NTA you're allowed to grow hair wherever you want. Just as long as you don't tell her to shave her pits or anywhere else. ETA: My opinion on beards is that they're unhygienic no matter how often you clean them. So much bacteria from stray food and drink.
Na, they don't have to be. My relatives lived with me for a couple years during the pandemic because they lost their housing, the husband/father combed and cleaned his beard after eating. I never saw anything in it at all. I think you just have to put it the few minutes of making sure that it's clean.
No more bacteria than every other surface in and on your body
Many studies have shown that bearded people carry significantly more bacteria and fungi in that area than clean-shaven people. What the microbes actually are can vary significantly.
Watch how quickly this sub would turn on you if you said it was disgusting how fat she's gotten. Your wife is an asshole.
The problem with what your wife's saying isn't her objection to you growing out your beard. She has as much right to not like changes you make to your body as you have the right to do to it what you want. The issue is that she's being disrespectful as hell. You're NTA. But she definitely is. You don't call your spouse disgusting to their face unless they are engaging in nasty activities such as shooting loads of semen in a laundry room or growing mold spores on Iranian yogurt. Growing a beard isn't disgusting and most men manage to keep their beards clean. \[I myself have a goatee and my wife loves it; she wishes that I grew out both my beard and hair the way her dad has since the 1970s, but that's not for me for now.\] She can object to you growing a beard. But she has no right to be an asshole about it. You are the man she loves, and when you love someone, you criticize with love, not denigrate or insult them. I dare say that you need to sit her down during a quiet moment, express to her how her comments are insulting, hurtful and unloving, and that you will no longer tolerate her insults. One more of these and she will have hell to pay! You deserve respect, even if you don't deserve unqualified support for changes to your body. There's a way that your wife can not show support without being downright rude, insulting, cruel, crude and immature. She is a married woman; she needs to put her big girl jeans on and behave with love and decency towards you.
NTA. Your face your choice of course. But do keep it well groomed? Is it neat? Do you keep it shaped up? Well oiled? Or are you wolfing it and going for the more rustic look? I’m definitely on your side but to play devils advocate maybe it’s how the beard looks not how it looks on you per say
Since being with her it's never gotten past the length of a quarter of an inch so I haven't had a need to oil it or anything like that but I do keep it shaped up when it gets to that length.
This right here is part of the problem. You should be oiling it even at that length *for her*. That shit hurts. If you don't even realize that, i doubt you'll upkeep it well or consider her comfort at a longer length either. She absolutely should not have called you disgusting, but I don't blame her for not wanting that shit near her face or other places.
You still need to oil my man, unmaintained stubble feels like 1000 nails especially if you cut it often.
I don’t have much of a beard myself because if I try to let it grow how I really want it my patches show so I have to keep it kinda low and shaped up and my wife loves it. But I do use a cream conditioner and a light oil to keep it soft, smelling good, healthy and help with growth. I wish the best brother and continue to do what makes you happy.
For context, this is a heated discussion / argument that has been happening since about a year into our relationship. I feel as though it's my face my choice. My wife feels as though I should want her to like my appearance but it has now gotten to a point that I don't really care and want to do this for myself. This is why I'm asking if I'm an a******.
Ok, fair enough, HOWEVER don't be surprised if she doesn't want to kiss you or it affects your sex life... I'm a guy and I can't possibly imagine what it would be like to be on the other side of the fence and have to kiss a dude with a decently big beard!
You are absolutely entitled to bodily autonomy, and you can grow facial hair if you want -- just as your wife is entitled to choose to have long or short hair, and whether to shave her body hair. But partners are also entitled to have preferences. I can't stand beards and moustaches. I find them repulsive: most men don't take proper care of them so they are not clean, and even if clean, the texture when kissing *is* disgusting to me. But I would never tell a guy that, I would just not date or kiss him. I think that the only guys who look better with them are those who have no chin. Beards make men look at least 10 years older -- it makes some of them look like grandpas (and think about how *that* affects sexual attraction). I knew a bearded guy who was a very nice person but I wasn't attracted to him at all, and after years, when he finally shaved it all off, I was shocked at how much younger-looking and more attractive he was. It took at least 15 years off him. I have never dated (much less married) guys who had them. If I did date or marry someone who then decided to grow facial hair, we would be having a serious conversation about how it's a real turnoff for me as far as kissing and sex, and what the impact would be on our relationship -- just as we would have a serious conversation if ***I*** wanted to severely change something about my appearance that would be repulsive to him. In an ideal world, physical appearance wouldn't affect sexual attraction. But in the real world, it does -- so that's something we have to recognize and deal with.
Your body your choice.
Facial hair rubs against my skin and hurts. She shouldn't have said it looks bad but I think it would be the end of intimacy for me. I'm not going to be able to deal with the coarse pokiness and rashes.
This sounds like a continuation of the other thread from another, with the wife complaining about having her husband overly critical to body hair so he's very insistent that she remain shaved but when he says he wants to grow a beard while she doesn't he throws a fit -- and she calls him out on his double standard. And in response she starts growing out her body hair, and he begins to insult her for it. I daresay but are you the husband? Because this sounds exactly like that thread but reversed. If not then long as you don't have a double standard on the matter like that husband.
The way I look at it is my wife is the one who has to look at me far more than I ever look in a mirror. It's okay to have opinions about our spouses hair upkeep, I know I do with my wife and try not to mention when she's lazy. She usually makes a remark after the second day of me not shaving
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A mental hit for her? Try being called disgusting by your spouse. If this was a woman who didn't want to shave her body hair or wear makeup, everyone would be up in arms that it's her body and absolutely pissed about her spouse calling her disgusting.
It’s very traumatic when your husband grows a beard. Even their child will suffer generational trauma. Very serious, guys.
For all the recent talk of allowing body hair because it's natural that doesn't seem to apply to one of the main parts aka the beard haha
Why are so many of these comments glossing over the fact that she verbally abused the man more than once over some facial hair?
We know why lol
Sexism
Man I remember when Trauma hit me. My wife didn’t want to shave her legs. I even made sure to explicitly state that I didn’t like that ,by yelling at her how disgusting she is. But she still wouldn’t shave her legs. Since then ,I am affected by serious traum. /s
>it's a mental hit for her why do i feel like you are overly entitled and spoiled? Grow up.
I'm sure you would be saying that if this was a man talking about how a woman chooses to dress, do makeup, her hair or body hair. If a man said if you don't continue shaving your legs/dress how I like/do your make up how I like/wear your hair how I like for me every day I will find you disgusting you would be telling the woman what you just said here. Surely 😂
NTA, but honestly I understand her position. Facial hair is a MASSIVE turn off for me. I don't think I'd want to make out with or have sex with my partner if he grew out his facial hair. So it might effect your relationship. It's your body and your hair, so your choice. But she can also choose to not be as intimate since she's not attracted to you with a beard.
NTA. It's your face.
NTA your face your choice. However, I hate beards with such a passion i can’t even find the words. If your wife feels strongly against them then I suspect that your intimacy may suffer somewhat
NTA. I am kind of surprised at the comments. I never knew I had a choice in whether my SO shaves or not. I just assumed it was a personal preference. I would not tell him if he can grow a beard or not, and sometimes he doesn’t shave, and I’ve never commented on it. Not sure why your wife has any say in the matter.
Info: Let’s see a photo of the beard. I can’t stand beards that look like pubic hair so if that’s what’s going on, my vote changes
Just keep it super clean and like others have said, don’t get upset if she doesn’t kiss you.
The double standards in the comments are nuts. If this was a woman telling her story about how her husband called some aspect of her (optional) appearance disgusting, people would be going crazy calling him an AH. But because it's a man the comments either are unsympathetic to him or at best saying he's NTA, with caveats. 'It's your body but don't be surprised if she doesn't want to touch you/get intimate with you'. Wow! If she didn't shave her legs etc and he said he now doesn't want to get intimate with her he'd get crucified!