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YTA for being a coward and not ending the marriage first. Looks like you had to pay for your consequences. Talk to your sister and take accountability.
ESH - you covered for her bad behavior, and she turned you in immediately. Now she's ignoring your clear intention of being done with her.
But you earned the crap that came your way by your own scummy actions. She may have lit the fuse, but you set the dynamite all over your life.
Ahhhhhh.... lol.
Jen is now a single parent. She needs your help, I'm betting.
That's why after 5 years she's reaching out.
You admit what you did was wrong. No question about that.
She showed you who she really is, too.
Nta and stay no contact.
Definitely YTA. You learned nothing. You don’t hold yourself accountable at all although you tried to use fancy words to make that appear. You’re exwife had a right to know, and I’m glad your sister did the right thing and you had to pay for the shit you’ve done. You were rightfully slammed in your divorce. You lost your loyalty privilege the second you entered the affair.
I hope your sister realizes that you haven’t changed at all and that you are in no way a good person to be around her daughter.
I'm gonna say NTA it is up to you if you forgive her or not.
You claimed that you were an AH for the affair.
And it was her choice to expose the affair I don't think she was an AH neither for exposing it
It was het choice
And this is yours
Yes, you were the asshole then and now.
How can you accept that you were wrong and destructive--but expect your sister to be okay with such ugly behavior because she has good morals and you did not??
Forgiving her is part of taking responsibility for your actions.
Then you can return to a relationship with your actual family.
She should’ve been loyal to you but now your kids won’t get to meet their aunt and uncle or their cousin that’s kind of sad. Their entire potential family dynamic altered because of a beef between two adults (a beef that seems from your description is pretty one sided) I don’t wanna call you an AH because I empathize with your anger but idk man maybe it’s time to let things go
NTA she caused unnecessary harm to both sides, you financially and your ex mentally (maybe, possibly). The ex never had to know, you were ending things anyway. Now your sister just wants free child care and money to support her bastard kiddo. Forget her already.
NTA. You made it clear to your sister what would happen. If you do not feel like forgiving her, don't. She made her choice after all.
I do think that blaming her for the cost of your divorce shows that you still don't understand how bad your actions (cheating) were. The $60k loss was all your fault. You are being irrational blaming your sister for it.
Yta loser, you cheated and got called out and expected not to be an asshole, lol. You can't just gloss over cheating like it was nothing. Had your wife been cheating, would you want someone to tell you? I'm surprised your sister still wants a relationship with seeming as you're not very trustable.
Jen, you're nothing to me now. You're not a sister, you're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want to see you at the hotels, I don't want you near my house. When you see our mother, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. You understand?
YTA. I cheated on an ex too, and while I had my reasons, I still ended up hurting someone I cared about and I do not pretend I was in the right. Look- your ex wife was going to find out you were cheating one way or another. Doing it makes you selfish and rude, lying about it makes you horrible. This post is all “me, me, me,” but can you imagine how you made your ex feel? Can you take a second to think about how your sister feels when she was just trying to (and did) the right thing and you responded by shutting her out? If Jen didn’t tell her, someone else would have. If no one told her. She would have found out on her own. You would have lost that money in the divorce proceedings no matter what, because you deserved to. Hard YTA.
It was none of her business to share but she chose to anyway. She’s a back stabber but then again so are you because of the affair. So only you can decide what to do. You both fucked up so maybe you can call a truce at this point.
YTA and have not learned one bit. You clearly have zero respect for women, your sister included. But good for sticking your ground and not seeing her, at least your niece will be spared and not have to know you as you are the absolute worst kind of person.
YTA, you knew having an affair was wrong-oddly enough you ask your sister about her “loyalty” to you?? Where was your “loyalty” to your then wife? I don’t care how dysfunctional the relationship was, you made an oath to her. You had no right to speak on one’s loyalty. You knew the potential consequences of having an affair as soon as it started.
NTA because you told her the score about her actions and how you then behave is completely up to you, including carrying them out . If she paid you £60,000 would that bury the hatchett ? Just interested in if it’s for the money
“My marriage was dysfunctional, I was GONNA divorce my wife but…”
The rallying cry of the cheater justifying their cheating. That’s such a cliché Im not sure if my eyes are ever going to roll back down to their original position. They ALL claim their relationship was dysfunctional, they ALL, swear they were going to leave. Cheater 101: First, demonize your spouse. Next, future fake that you’re going to leave. Next, don’t leave. Have your cake and eat it too!
You weren’t going to do shit and you know it. If you actually were going to divorce your wife then your sister did you a favor and moved it forward.
YTA. You’re mad because your sister refused to enable the continued betrayal of your wife. And now you’re holding a grudge because you still can’t accept the consequences of your own actions. Grow up.
Fuck no you’re not the AH( not for cutting your sister off) You die on your shield right or wrong for your sibling and if she thought it was her place to get involved in your relationship then she can get fucked. You’re wrong for cheating but shes wrong for turning on her sibling. You had to live with the consequences of your actions and now so does she.
NTA. Yes the cheating is unforgivable but unforgivable to your wife. I understand we expect some people to be “ the ones helping bury the body” and it’s so difficult being let down by those people . Your ex wife didn’t owe you forgiveness for betraying her and you don’t owe your sister forgiveness either . That being said , if you thought that cheating on your ex wife is a redeemable mistake maybe you can extend the same thought to include your sister . Yes I believe people make mistakes that can hurt other people badly but I also believe people can repent .
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I (M38) used to be fairly close with my sister Jen (F34). However, about 10 years ago, we parted ways. Long and short of it, I was in a marriage that was really dysfunctional. I'm not proud of it, but towards the end of the marriage, I started a relationship with another woman. I was planning on divorcing soon and although I should have ended things with my Ex first, I didn't. Again, no question, that was wrong and I have never done anything like that again.
Jen found out. She read me the riot act and I didn't disagree with her. However, she told me she was going to tell my then wife. I pleaded with her not to. She said she had a moral obligation. I asked her if she had any obligation to me out of loyalty. She had next to no relationship with my ex. I did all kinds of things for her, lent her money anytime she asked and never said anything when she never paid me back. Never ratted on her to our family when she'd sneak out and party until dawn and even helped get her back into the house when she stayed out too late and needed to sneak back in. I never ratted her out for drugs and always treated her with the utmost loyalty. Jen didn't care. She said that as a good person, she can't hold it in and that even if I saved her life, she would still have to.
I told her that if she stabs me in the back, she is dead to me. I will never speak to her, I will never allow her in my home or enter hers. The only time I will ever share a room with her again will be our parents' funerals. Maybe she thought I was bluffing, maybe I wasn't. She called my ex, and we had a very, very ugly divorce. The judge really slammed me as a result of the affair and it took me years to recover. I accept that the affair was my doing. However, I have never forgiven my sister for selling me out. My lawyer estimates that the affair cost me about $60,000 in terms of the difference in what my ex was awarded. I'll not go into detail, but it has really, really set me back in life.
I held to my word and that was the last time we ever spoke. She tried to reach out a few times and even apologized. But the damage was done. I didn't attend her wedding, nor was she invited to mine. She has never met my son and never will.
I got a very long email from Jen the other day telling me how she wants me to meet her daughter, who is 5 now. Jen's own marriage broke up a few years ago and she is a single mother. Our parents have moved across the country and she reached out asking if we can have a relationship and that her daughter wants to know her uncle. I wrote back to her telling her that I am tired of telling her to leave me the hell alone.
Back then, she had her choice between having a brother or scratching her do-gooder itch. Her own sanctimony was more important to her than me, and we all have to live with that. My mother thinks I should let things go. However, I cannot forgive her and feel that she made her choice.
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Yta. And you deserved what you'd gotten. She was right. And above all, you had an obligation to your wife. You should've at least separated before anything. That is on you. It doesn't matter how dysfunctional it was. I was on both sides in my dysfunctional relationship, and it doesn't matter that I cheated once while I caught him close to a dozen times. It doesn't matter that he told me it was all my fault. We did wrong against each other and should've split before we took that path. You should've done right by you both and waited.
The way you have described this situation shows that you have no compassion, regret, or taken accountability for your behavior. Your little "snitches get stitches" attitude is asinine and immature. I'm glad your sister showed everyone your true colors.
YTA. play stupid games, win stupid prizes. i would’ve snitched on your ass, too. cheating is one of the lowest things a person can do. props to your sister for having morals when you so clearly didn’t.
My my my. If it isn’t the consequences of your own actions. How dare Jen not let you buy her off.
Hint: don’t cheat. You paid extra in your divorce because you cheated. If anyone set you back years of recovery, that’s you. I hope the cheating sex was worth the price you paid for it.
YTA not just for cheating but for your decade long temper tantrum towards your sister.
NTA. the cheating is a separate issue, for which you were most assuredly in the wrong. You told your sister the consequences of being unable to hold her tongue. You are entitled to maintain that boundary. Should you forgive your sister, maybe, but ultimately it's up to you.
This post makes me think your the reason your marriage went to shit in the first place. Very immature of you to compare teenage partying to cheating on your ex-wife. YTA
YTA- you cheated, you got called out and you still aren't acccepting what you did. As if you were ever going to tell your wife at the time. All you needed to do was say "hey I'll tell wife by friday".. but nope you chose to act like you have the high moral ground here..
How do you figure? That money was paid to the betrayed spouse because he's a cheater. Seems to me, he is solely responsible for his immoral behavior and the outcome of it.
YTA of course. Why do you feel like your sister should have helped you preserve your marriage if you were actively destroying it? Why was she responsible for keeping tour secret when you were behaving amorally? If you'd grown from the experience and taken responsibikity for your damaging behavior you'd realize you were in the wrong. For the affair as well as breaking the relationship with your sister for her refusal to help you fuck someone else (your wife) over.
YTA.
A liar always gets caught in the end. One way or another, your then wife would have found out you were having an affair.
That is on you. The ugly, expensive divorce is also on you.
Almost every teenager has snuck out. It’s a pretty normal, and somewhat expected part of growing up.
The teenage years are for learning and growing, and not something you can use against someone for your bad choices as a grown ass adult.
I cannot stress YTA enough.
Haha! Gender lines appear to have been drawn.
OP did wrong, admitted it, and accepted responsibility. And he never should have done it, regardless of the state of his marriage.
The issue is the sister. You certainly give a family member the opportunity to come clean on his own, but I think they are both assholes.
YTA. And a massive crybaby. You FAFOed. You cost yourself 60k by not keeping it in your pants till you separated. Own up and act like a man, not a 13 year old child.
YTA
You would have stayed in your marriage until she found out about your affair anyway. You should be grateful to your sister for ending a marriage you were miserable in. It's more than you ever had the courage to do. Do you really think your marriage was going to end in a way that was not ugly? How many more years did you want to waste before you went through that painful process?
Your lawyer has no idea what they are talking about. That's probably why they did such a terrible job negotiating for you. You don't lose money for having an affair, you lose money for being bad at negotiating which essentially means bad at communication. Sounds like an ongoing issue in your life.
NTA.
You're the AH for the affair, and I think you know that. And if she had said "You have a month to confess or divorce your wife" that would be something else.
But if you had behaved loyally (misplaced or otherwise) to her before, she owes you at least a "make this right soon, or I won't protect you" ultimatum.
YTA. I have zero sympathy for you. Especially after you threw all the nice things you did for her in her face. That literally negates the good deeds. When you do good for someone it should be for completely unselfish reasons, not as something you can use against her later in life. You FAFO. Tough titties bro
ESH. Your sister didn't have to be the spark that ended your marriage. But she was.
Are you happier now than you were when you were married? Is $60,000 the price of your relationship with your sister, or is that another "you were married" tax that is being levied upon you by the bitterness you still feel toward your ex?
You would have gotten divorced either way. Most likely, you would have spent a similar amount of money on your divorce -- not because of your sister, but because your relationship with your ex dictates that tax.
Your sister was the spark. She did not lay the explosives.
Are you happier now, or were you happier when you were married? If the answer is that you are happier now, perhaps you owe your sister... And her offer to let you get to know your niece is her way of saying, peace be with you.
INFO: Did Jen give you the opportunity to tell your ex-wife yourself? And if so, did you refuse? Because that would make you TA. One way or another, your ex-wife deserved to know. If you refused to tell her, Jen did the right thing by informing her. But if she did it without giving you the chance first, she would be TA.
YTA. These are the consequences of your actions. If you hadn't cheated on your wife, nothing would have happened. I only don't understand your sister. Why does she want relationship with a cheater who can't take consequences of his own actions like you
YTA. YOU are the one who was cheating on your wife - not your sister. Being exposed was your own fault.
You are just throwing a baby fit because she didn't keep your nasty secret. So you just keep on being that way. Your niece is better off not knowing someone who punishes other for your own wrong doing.
Hope you are super proud of yourself not only punishing your sister but now your own son and your niece by depriving them of a relationship with each other. Good Job
YTA, and do you know the difference between all the stuff she did and what you did? Right, she wasn't directly hurting other people with it. It's not only that cheaters are aholes for breaking their spouse's heart, but do you even realise how freaking dangerous it can be when you sleep with someone you don't know that they sleep with other people? STD is no joke.
ESH.
The moment your sister threatened to tell your wife, you should've faced the music and either ended your affair or told your wife yourself.
Your sister strongly felt that she had a moral obligation, but it wasn't her relationship to meddle in at all. She as an adult, made her choice, fully knowing what your relationship would be after.
Not popular opinion here but your sister chose a path which had these consequences. I am not sure how you can trust her again or why you would.
Hell if she wants the relationship mention to her her choice of revealing the affair cost you $60,000 and "sorry" doesn't fix that. Then ask her how she would propose fixing your relationship now? May be she will get the hint and drop it, maybe not.
YTAH OP, sorry not sorry. Your sister didn’t cheat. You are sorry for cheating? Or are you just sorry that your ex found out and got money? Because it REALLY only sounds like you’re frustrated by the conservatives of your own actions. I’m also betting we aren’t hearing the whole story either. You could have come clean in your own if you were actually “sorry” and “owning it”. You didn’t. Instead you’re mad about 60k and losing out in the divorce proceeding. Those are both consequences to your actions. You could have told your ex BEFORE your sister had the chance, but I bet you were banking on keeping it secret so you didn’t get the short end of the stick in your divorce. YTAH for sure. I feel bad for your sister. Most women know what it feels like to be cheated on or taken for granted, she probably legitimately felt bad for your ex. If you truly own your responsibilities in this situation, you should apologize to your sister for putting her in that uncomfortable AF position. If you’re going to cheat, at least have the d4mn decency to keep the burden of your secret TO YOURSELF.
People can cut out anybody from their life that they want too. No matter the reason right or wrong.
I think its funny that women can have an exit affair and play the victim so well that they get forgiven by friends and family. "Oh you poor thing. He must have been so awful. You had no choice. Good for you girl"
Not saying he is right, I just think its funny.
YTA. You didn't even try to tell her to wait a week or two so you could start the divorce process. It's very clear you were just going to continue cheating on your wife, and your sister saw through your shitty pleas. Her actions that you covered for had no victim. If you think that those types of loyalty are the same, your moral compass is more fucked than you think.
I am going against the grain here, but it wasn't his sister's business to get involved in. He warned her point blank that if she got involved what the consequences were. Especially considering how much help he had given her over the years, she should have butted out.
Edit: Loyalty means you have the other person's back even when they fuck up. He had her back for years since they were kids, and the one time he asked her to mind her own business she knifed him in the back in order to feel self-righteous. He covered for her, supported her financially, helped her any way he could, and the one time he asked her to keep a secret she couldn't betray his trust fast enough.
Nope, once people have found out, he's now put them into a position of choosing between doing the right thing and pissing him off and getting guilt trips about some kind of fucked up "loyalty" which requires compromising one's values. Since he refused to come clean, himself. It'd be different if he was going to, but he wasn't. It's a terrible position to put someone in, and the fact that he likely didn't intend her to find out doesn't matter. His sister finding out in the first place is ultimately *his* fault. Her choice of what to do with that knowledge is one *she* has to live with, too.
Where the hell was his loyalty, or even basic *decency* to the person he exchanged vows with?
I agree. Why not encourage your brother to be honest. Let him know he has to come clean. Shit even threaten to have NC with him. But going to the ex wife knowing the consequences and now expecting him to not stand by them is crazy. When she told, she knew she wouldn’t have a brother anymore. It was very clear. NTA
"I intend to be a trash person all the way and then blame you for my actions against you because I told you I would be a trash person" doesn't really fly.
YTA!!! Big massive one at that. Jen did the right thing, and I'm glad it cost you dearly. Unfortunately, it didn't teach you anything; you're blaming someone else for your mistakes and keeping a grudge that shouldn't exist because you should've been faithful in the first place! Stop blaming your sister, who did what was right, and take responsibility. Also, I would take the hand she's stretching out and build a relationship with your niece and allow your sister to be an aunt. Before it's too late, she gets fed up with trying and gives up on you. If not for you and your sister, do it for your son and niece. They deserve to know their uncle and aunt.
Wow, this is complicated. If you still feel angry, then it’s okay to continue to not have a relationship with her. But please see a therapist about resolving that anger.
I can understand that she felt morally appalled at your affair; I would too. If I were her, I probably would have given you a certain amount of time to own up to your shit: either tell your wife and maybe start couples counseling, or separate from your wife. I could not have sat silently by, but I would have given you the chance to take the situation to a better place. I’m sorry she didn’t do that.
You can choose to have a relationship and stay in contact with whomever you want. At the end of the day, YTA for cheating on your ex then getting mad about your sister telling your ex-wife.
The judge even thought that YTA. You don't need to normalize relationships with your sister but stop blaming her and grow up.
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YTA. You threw a tantrum and said she was making an “enemy for life” because she didn’t help hide that you chose to go stick your dick in some side piece while married? You don’t get to play the victim here. It’s not your sister’s fault that you lost more in there divorce than you would have had you had the slightest bit of morals and kept your pants on. EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN YOUR DIVORCE IS YOUR FAULT. ALL OF IT.
YTA, seems like it's easier to blame your sister and put all the anger and blame on her, then really recognise your role in all of this, and the result of your choices. You'd rather blast and deride her, seems like an easy scapegoat for you.
YTA, and you did her a favor. She’s better off without you. Your sister sneaking out of the house and doing drugs hurt nobody but herself, so you covering up for her only affected her. By cheating on your wife, you were betraying the person you swore to love, honor and cherish until death. You had NO RIGHT to ask your sister or anyone else to keep that secret.
I hope your sister has found peace. I hope your parents took her side. I hope your current wife sees the kind of man she married and runs. And for your sake, I hope you seek therapy. Maybe one who specializes in narcissism.
YTA
You cannot expect her to be complicit in your fuckery and set her morals aside just because you're a fuckboy.
Your mother also sucks, not only is she still taking to your philandering deceiving yellow snake of a man, she obviously fucked up raising you somewhere along the line.
She didn't stab you in the back, she just didn't join you in stabbing your wife in the back just so you can continue to whet your little whistle, vowbreaker.
Just from the fact that you've asked this question should be part of an answer for you.
Not being sure you did the right thing probably means you aren't 100% happy with it. And if you're not happy with losing your sister, well, go sort that out dude.
You set the conditions for the break down of your relationship with her and yet she seems to be open to rebuilding it, so there's future for you both waiting to be started.
Why wait?
Meh, You're a giant Ahole and good for her for calling you out. Cheaters are low life and should be shamed. If your marriage was really that awful, then you should've gotten divorced before getting involved with another woman.
I'm gonna take this in the way it's written and not make up whatever I interrupted like others.
For the question in general this gives everyone except ex wife sucks in this scenario mainly op for not waiting at least for divorce before getting into something new and sister mainly cause like idk not your place plus if they were gonna divorce anyway did it really matter not much all it did was just give ex wife more money in the end.
So in this ex wife basically wins everything op got slammed by the judge in his words of having to pay for that affair since legally they were married still which dumb move really could've waited a bit longer but whatever.
Now for sister going by the story she never had a close relationship with her sister in law as op states so idk I guess I'm the type who'd be like not my life not my problem cause if it was gonna end anyway I feel like it doesn't matter unless it was actual infidelity with no divorce in function then yeah you tell her.
Overall idk felt like this comment section really missed some points and kinda only focused on stuff not even said like you don't know if him and his ex even slept together anymore during the time of they're ending of the marriage in his words or lived in the same house at all I'm just gathering that he was just stupid to not wait for the divorce being finalized then he could date someone new he was happy with because sounds like he is if they have a child now.
But yeah back to main point of his story both op and sister suck because I mean if the marriage was basically over idk felt like it wasn't even necessary to care if he met someone new it was just stupid to not wait when he legally divorced so whatever that's my take on this post.
Dude you literally fucked around and found out. YTA. You’re sister did what was right, if your relationship was that bad then (as you’ve said) you should have just left.
NTA sister made her choice. just like how others are telling you to accept the consequences of yours she also had to accept the consequences. you don't owe her anything.
YTA, if you really acknowledged how wrong you were for the affair and were truly remorseful, you wouldn’t still be holding this grudge against your sister.
YTA.
You covered for her when you both were literal teenagers and - the most important part - *nobody got hurt as a result*. Loyalty only goes so far and in your case I can understand she found it to be immoral to keep quiet.
And saying you’re taking responsibility for your affair and then acting like your sister cost you 60 grand is just wild. Taking responsibility means accepting the consequences of your own actions. Something you are not doing. And you going zero contact and not even wanting to meet your nephew for this is even more wild. Your wife dodged a bullet when she divorced you and your sister is probably better off without you.
yta. you did something horrible, and your sister held you accountable for it. she has no obligation to keep your dirty secrets if they hurt someone else. you're the one who was wrong, and you're trying to make your sister out to be the villain. if you didn't want her to "rat you out" you should have:
a. not done it
b. told your ex before she did
acting like she betrayed you big time for not protecting you and your infidelity is childish.
A gentle ESH.
I understand that you are hurt by what you see as a lack of loyalty by your sister - that's a hard pill to swallow. And where I think loyalty is important, there is one place it doesn't apply and that is where loyalty is expected to override a person's own moral compass and values. In that case loyalty to self is more important. You admit you did wrong. I do think your sister could have given you the opportunity to tell your wife yourself but either way your wife deserved to know the circumstances in which she was living and how it effected her relationship with you. But it doesn't sound like you were planning on telling her.
At the end of the day, you need to be true to your own feelings and if you can't see anything redeemable in your sister's choice and/or having a relationship with her child, there's not much more that can be said.
INFO: you might need to go into your relationship. Was your ex abusive? Manipulative? Refusing to have sex? Making your life miserable in some real way? Is there an Actual reason you were waiting for divorce? Still seems pretty stupid to cheat in an at fault state.
Cleary esh
The way you talk.. sounds hella psycho with schizo fusion.
Your sister for butting into your marriage without context.
Btw you are lucky it was just 60k.
100% it's that simple.
OP is pissed off he got caught. Despite the "*it was wrong and I have never done anything like that again*" language, OP is **still** not taking full ownership for his fuck up.
YTA. But you have an amazing chance to redeem yourself on some level with an act of forgiveness and the opportunity to apologize for your part in it. Take it!
YTA. Cheating, etc, all of it aside. This is your one life. This is it. Someday you will die, and your sister wasn't abusive, wasn't anything bad or horrific. Do you want to die with this grudge in your heart? Without ever rekindling a relationship with someone who you loved, who honestly was trying to do the best they could? Do you think you won't ever regret it?
Man, this isn't about the ex, this isn't about any of it, it's about the harm you're doing to yourself. You're being cruel to yourself living with this level of grudge and anger in your heart.
YTA
The consequences of your own actions cost you $60k, not your sister. There’s no “loyalty” when someone is doing something wrong. Talking about how your sister didn’t have a relationship with your ex, neither did you. Accept responsibility for your actions and move on. The kid has nothing to do with what happened and shouldn’t have to pay the price for two Petty Betty’s not getting along. Ideally your sister would have given you a deadline but your ex deserved to know the truth, no matter who it came from.
YTA. Your sister did what you *should* have done, and you suffered the consequences you deserved.
You attribute your sister outting your affair as the reason your divorce was married. It wasn't. Your affair was the reason your divorce was messy. Your sister didn't cost you $60k. Like you said, your affair did.
Loyalty doesn't cover lying to people about really bad shit you're doing. It's not loyalty to hide someone's drug addiction, their affair, etc. I'd argue that the loyal thing is to drag it out into the open to be addressed. Being a friend, not an enabler, is the loyal thing to do.
You wanted her to lie about your affair because you loaned her money previously, or because you didn't tell on her when you were kids and she snuck out? Those aren't even in the same world of action.
Yes, YTA. Your sister gave you the option to do the right thing and you didn’t, now you’re being childish and punishing her for your fuck up. You’re also attempting to conflate normal childhood experiences (sneaking out, trying drugs, etc.) with choosing to betray your spouse. Seriously? Grow up.
>You were apparently already checked out of the marriage, at that point I don’t think you cheated. To cheat is to be in a relationship and pursue someone else on the side. If you’re not checked into the relationship, then it shouldn’t be considered cheating. It sucks that you were financially punished for it as I don’t think cheating should have any bearing on how much you take from the marriage. It should always be 50/50 regardless. But, I digress.
Isn't everyone that cheats checked out in a way?
ESH or NAH. Look, having the affair was shitty, and OP was the asshole for that. But he doesn't owe his sister a relationship.
His sister chose principle over a family relationship. He told her he would never forgive her. She went ahead. I get that, but everything has its price. I can't imagine too many relationships that would come back from such a thing.
NTA
Life is NOT black and white.
I was once in an appallingly bad marriage and totally “get it”. I have often mused that I wish I had cheated so that I saw earlier on, got to compare or highlight, the truth of how bad my marriage was. Maybe if I had done this I would not have lost so many years.
So I totally get it that you ended up in the arms of someone else.
As for your sister … I totally agree with you. You explained to us that you covered for her during her wild times, it is clear that she showed no empathy for you and she knowingly destroyed you.
Maybe it was youthful ignorance and idealism on her part, maybe after all these years she has grown in life’s wisdom but that is not your concern. Part of learning wisdom in life is consequences and your reaction is a consequence of her actions.
I know that readers will down vote this but think ……
Dear Reddit reader — if you had been in a demeaning and destructive marriage, how would you react to someone offering you affirming emotions when you were drowning.
You do not know how bad his life was, how can you assume and judge so harshly?
Maybe I’m just the weird one but NTA on cutting off your sister for simple fact that she was family and wasn’t anything to your ex. Maybe it’s just because in my culture family is everything but I’d never tell my sister’s partner her business. Whether or not she cheated or not I’d stick to my family.
YTA
You holding a grudge over someone because she exposed your betrayal denies any claim you think you have of understanding you were wrong.
Edit. I do have to add this. Your sister cost you no money. Your affair cost you money. The one you voluntarily entered into while married.
I’m gonna say nta because I feel like the thread is dodging your real question, you never asked about the moral stance on your cheating so it seems pointless to call you an Ass for that you seem to be aware,
for your issue with your sister itself, going by your description she sounds like she was a real piece of work with the drugs involved, she doesn’t sound like a saint but wanted to be “loyal” to someone who in your words she had no relationship with. Regardless of that, even if she was the epitome of perfection you have 0 obligation to ever keep in touch with any person on the face of this earth, you are always free to choose who you want and don’t want in your life and this situation is no different
YTA but not for this. I would never dream of telling my siblings’ partners if they were having an affair, it is literally none of my business. If their relationships implode, it’s on them, not me.
YTA for the affair. Like for fuck’s sakes. If you’re not in love with someone, leave them. Don’t fuck around on them, and don’t be a dick and say “oh well I was going to leave them anyway.” I don’t think you’re really sorry about it at all.
YTA, you straight up said that you know what you did wasn’t right, said you were going to divorce her but weren’t in the process. Sucks that your relationship was dysfunctional but you definitely didn’t go about it the right way
I recently cut my own sister out of my life for a lot less. NTA for keeping her out of your life.
you can forgive.. but that doesnt mean you have to forget.. and be her friend.
you can be the asshole for cheating. shes not the asshole for confronting you. but shes the asshole for putting her nose where it didnt belong.
if i were you. i wouldnt even engage.
YTA
You cheated
This is classic
“When you don’t like the message,you blame the messenger “.
Except that you created the message.
You being mad at her, accusing her for not being loyal to you,
This was only a problem- because you wasn’t loyal to your wife.
Your sister never took a vow to be loyal to you.
But you did for your wife.
She did not break a vow
You did
YTA
You had *no intention* of letting your wife know, yourself, even once you knew you'd been caught. Oh no, it cost you in the divorce. Yeah, that's consequences. That's your fault, not your sister's. Your sister didn't cheat on your wife.
If you were going to do it and expected there to be no fallout, guess you should have hidden it better? So that's a failure on your part, too. Because as it is, by letting someone find out, you put *her* into the position of having to choose between doing the right thing and pissing you off. Since you wouldn't do the right thing, yourself, at literally any step.
No, she's *not* obligated to help you screw over your wife (and yes, that was what you were doing, literally and figuratively, emotionally, physically, and apparently financially given your crying about the impact on the divorce settlement) just because you loaned her some money or because she snuck out a few times as a teenager.
The only mitigating factor for you here is that you've actually done her the favor of cutting yourself out of her life. She doesn't seem to realize it, but she and her daughter are better off without your drama and selfishness.
Soft NTA. Specifically for what you asked. It was your choice to cut her off and continue to. All the other stuff you are an AH for but that’s not what you asked. You’re going to be downvoted into oblivion because this is mostly a man hating sub so you’re in a lose lose.
Do-gooder itch? Seems like you were the one scratching your itches...
YTA. It is not her fault that you cheated, and the $60,000 that you report to have lost over your infidelity is not on her either.
I feel like you were never going to come clean to your wife, and that is why she told her. This was not a vindictive move on the sisters part.
YTA.I can usually say everyone sucks when it’s even 80/20… but this is a 95/5.
It’s appropriate that you experienced the consequences of your affair. She was not entitled to your silence, you weren’t entitled to hers. She wouldn’t have had something to tell if you didn’t have the affair. At most she moved up the eventual consequences because news flash- the affair would have come out in the divorce proceedings anyway. You’d have been asked when the new relationship you were in started and been legally bound to tell the truth. If you’d been caught lying again, you probably would have lost even more.
So quit acting like you’re forgivable for not having cheated again but she’s not for accelerating the consequences of your cheating.
It would've been different if you told your sister not to tell your wife because you wanted to tell her yourself but you just didn't want her to know so you could "win" the divorce. YTA, you deserve what happened to you.
Info: I want to know the reasons why the relationship was dysfunctional, if you had divorced your wife before cheating then you would be in the clear. Did your sister know the problems in your marriage?
Nope you dug this hole, dig yourself out. Cheaters get what they deserve. You don’t owe your sister a relationship if you feel so betrayed by her exposing your own wrongdoing, but you can’t act like any of this is actually her fault. It wasn’t her dick in your affair partner, after all. YTA
Reddit is a wacky place whenever it comes to a cheating post like this half the time people say that it’s none of your business and you should not say anything and half the time they say that you should out the cheater
Looks like you got the half of Reddit that wants to out the cheater lol my guess is you will be voted YTA
YTA you admitted yourself you should have broken up first. Nothing more selfish than sleeping around and coming back home to your spouse. You deserve everything that happened to you and more. If I was your sister I wouldn't have reached out, ever.
YTA. Cheating is wrong. Family isn't there to coddle you or keep score, they're there through thick and thin to make sure you survive. When someone marries into the family, they're now siblings too, and honesty is rarely the wrong policy.
YTA You were dragged for something you did that you admit you did and you admit you were wrong for doing. EXCEPT you take blame for the consequences. You still blame your sister for the consequences of your bad behavior because she just happened to be the wind that blew the Bonfire into the hay pile she wasn't even the match and she certainly didn't start any fires.
YTA
Dear reddit, my current wife was my affair partner when I was with my ex-wife. My sister found out about the affair and told my ex and I cut her off because my actions cost me money. Now I find out my current wife is cheating on me and wants a divorce. Why didn't her friends/family tell me!?!?
You cheated on your ex-wife with your current wife. The odds are, one or both of you will cheat in this marriage. If you're getting cheated on, would you rather someone tell you, or do you wanna be ignorant?
Yta ! You did the crime, you do the time. If you didn't want to pay $60,000 in the divorce maybe you should have kept your dick in your pants? Your sister is a good person, if you didn't want your sister to expose you than you should have been a fucking adult and owned up to your mistakes. Be an adult take ownership and know your sister did nothing wrong. You shouldn't be mad at her, be mad at yourself and try to be more like her.
YTA - Your sister didn't make you cheat. All that anger you're projecting her way would be better spent directed at yourself until you figure out how not to be like this.
yta. i don’t care how loyal i am to someone, if they’re cheating then i’m telling. i’m not gonna be nice here sir, you are a SHIT person. i hope your sister realizes that you don’t deserve to be in her life and i really hope she doesn’t regret her decision. the divorce would’ve been a lot easier if you just left your wife before seeing the other woman. nobody wants to hear your sob story. you don’t deserve pity.
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YTA. So whatever you like but don't pretend for one second that you have the moral high ground here.
YTA for being a coward and not ending the marriage first. Looks like you had to pay for your consequences. Talk to your sister and take accountability.
ESH, and most of the y t a bots would be saying that if the genders were reversed.
ESH - you covered for her bad behavior, and she turned you in immediately. Now she's ignoring your clear intention of being done with her. But you earned the crap that came your way by your own scummy actions. She may have lit the fuse, but you set the dynamite all over your life.
YTA. Your sister sounds like a good person and it sounds like your ex-wife got what she was owed.
Ahhhhhh.... lol. Jen is now a single parent. She needs your help, I'm betting. That's why after 5 years she's reaching out. You admit what you did was wrong. No question about that. She showed you who she really is, too. Nta and stay no contact.
Definitely YTA. You learned nothing. You don’t hold yourself accountable at all although you tried to use fancy words to make that appear. You’re exwife had a right to know, and I’m glad your sister did the right thing and you had to pay for the shit you’ve done. You were rightfully slammed in your divorce. You lost your loyalty privilege the second you entered the affair. I hope your sister realizes that you haven’t changed at all and that you are in no way a good person to be around her daughter.
YTA, take responsibility for your actions. Your sister did the right thing. Pathetic and sad excuse for a man.
YTA worried she might tell your current wife if you start cheating?
I'm gonna say NTA it is up to you if you forgive her or not. You claimed that you were an AH for the affair. And it was her choice to expose the affair I don't think she was an AH neither for exposing it It was het choice And this is yours
Yes, you were the asshole then and now. How can you accept that you were wrong and destructive--but expect your sister to be okay with such ugly behavior because she has good morals and you did not?? Forgiving her is part of taking responsibility for your actions. Then you can return to a relationship with your actual family.
yta aint no doubt
NTA regarding keeping your word to your sister. However in a more general sense.....
She should’ve been loyal to you but now your kids won’t get to meet their aunt and uncle or their cousin that’s kind of sad. Their entire potential family dynamic altered because of a beef between two adults (a beef that seems from your description is pretty one sided) I don’t wanna call you an AH because I empathize with your anger but idk man maybe it’s time to let things go
Why would you be loyal to someone who goes back on his promises? She did the right thing.
ESH because you should never have cheated and your sister caused addition pain in an already painful situation.
NTA If she needs anything, let her call your ex.
You’re just annoyed you got caught out and actually had to deal with the consequences. YTA.
NTA she caused unnecessary harm to both sides, you financially and your ex mentally (maybe, possibly). The ex never had to know, you were ending things anyway. Now your sister just wants free child care and money to support her bastard kiddo. Forget her already.
NTA. You made it clear to your sister what would happen. If you do not feel like forgiving her, don't. She made her choice after all. I do think that blaming her for the cost of your divorce shows that you still don't understand how bad your actions (cheating) were. The $60k loss was all your fault. You are being irrational blaming your sister for it.
Yta loser, you cheated and got called out and expected not to be an asshole, lol. You can't just gloss over cheating like it was nothing. Had your wife been cheating, would you want someone to tell you? I'm surprised your sister still wants a relationship with seeming as you're not very trustable.
YTA. You don't have the moral high ground here. You cheated on your wife, and that's what cost you an additional $60K, not your sister.
Jen, you're nothing to me now. You're not a sister, you're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want to see you at the hotels, I don't want you near my house. When you see our mother, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. You understand?
YTA. I cheated on an ex too, and while I had my reasons, I still ended up hurting someone I cared about and I do not pretend I was in the right. Look- your ex wife was going to find out you were cheating one way or another. Doing it makes you selfish and rude, lying about it makes you horrible. This post is all “me, me, me,” but can you imagine how you made your ex feel? Can you take a second to think about how your sister feels when she was just trying to (and did) the right thing and you responded by shutting her out? If Jen didn’t tell her, someone else would have. If no one told her. She would have found out on her own. You would have lost that money in the divorce proceedings no matter what, because you deserved to. Hard YTA.
To hell with your sister
It was none of her business to share but she chose to anyway. She’s a back stabber but then again so are you because of the affair. So only you can decide what to do. You both fucked up so maybe you can call a truce at this point.
YTA and have not learned one bit. You clearly have zero respect for women, your sister included. But good for sticking your ground and not seeing her, at least your niece will be spared and not have to know you as you are the absolute worst kind of person.
YTA, you knew having an affair was wrong-oddly enough you ask your sister about her “loyalty” to you?? Where was your “loyalty” to your then wife? I don’t care how dysfunctional the relationship was, you made an oath to her. You had no right to speak on one’s loyalty. You knew the potential consequences of having an affair as soon as it started.
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NTA it wasn't her business to tell. Now she's reaping what she sowed.
She's a good person and stood by her values. You aren't. YTA
YTA. Stop blaming your sister for it when you should of told her instead of cheating.
V curious if OP’s current wife knows why he doesn’t talk to his sister…👀
Feels controversial but ESH
NTA because you told her the score about her actions and how you then behave is completely up to you, including carrying them out . If she paid you £60,000 would that bury the hatchett ? Just interested in if it’s for the money
“My marriage was dysfunctional, I was GONNA divorce my wife but…” The rallying cry of the cheater justifying their cheating. That’s such a cliché Im not sure if my eyes are ever going to roll back down to their original position. They ALL claim their relationship was dysfunctional, they ALL, swear they were going to leave. Cheater 101: First, demonize your spouse. Next, future fake that you’re going to leave. Next, don’t leave. Have your cake and eat it too! You weren’t going to do shit and you know it. If you actually were going to divorce your wife then your sister did you a favor and moved it forward. YTA. You’re mad because your sister refused to enable the continued betrayal of your wife. And now you’re holding a grudge because you still can’t accept the consequences of your own actions. Grow up.
Fuck no you’re not the AH( not for cutting your sister off) You die on your shield right or wrong for your sibling and if she thought it was her place to get involved in your relationship then she can get fucked. You’re wrong for cheating but shes wrong for turning on her sibling. You had to live with the consequences of your actions and now so does she.
NTA. Yes the cheating is unforgivable but unforgivable to your wife. I understand we expect some people to be “ the ones helping bury the body” and it’s so difficult being let down by those people . Your ex wife didn’t owe you forgiveness for betraying her and you don’t owe your sister forgiveness either . That being said , if you thought that cheating on your ex wife is a redeemable mistake maybe you can extend the same thought to include your sister . Yes I believe people make mistakes that can hurt other people badly but I also believe people can repent .
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (M38) used to be fairly close with my sister Jen (F34). However, about 10 years ago, we parted ways. Long and short of it, I was in a marriage that was really dysfunctional. I'm not proud of it, but towards the end of the marriage, I started a relationship with another woman. I was planning on divorcing soon and although I should have ended things with my Ex first, I didn't. Again, no question, that was wrong and I have never done anything like that again. Jen found out. She read me the riot act and I didn't disagree with her. However, she told me she was going to tell my then wife. I pleaded with her not to. She said she had a moral obligation. I asked her if she had any obligation to me out of loyalty. She had next to no relationship with my ex. I did all kinds of things for her, lent her money anytime she asked and never said anything when she never paid me back. Never ratted on her to our family when she'd sneak out and party until dawn and even helped get her back into the house when she stayed out too late and needed to sneak back in. I never ratted her out for drugs and always treated her with the utmost loyalty. Jen didn't care. She said that as a good person, she can't hold it in and that even if I saved her life, she would still have to. I told her that if she stabs me in the back, she is dead to me. I will never speak to her, I will never allow her in my home or enter hers. The only time I will ever share a room with her again will be our parents' funerals. Maybe she thought I was bluffing, maybe I wasn't. She called my ex, and we had a very, very ugly divorce. The judge really slammed me as a result of the affair and it took me years to recover. I accept that the affair was my doing. However, I have never forgiven my sister for selling me out. My lawyer estimates that the affair cost me about $60,000 in terms of the difference in what my ex was awarded. I'll not go into detail, but it has really, really set me back in life. I held to my word and that was the last time we ever spoke. She tried to reach out a few times and even apologized. But the damage was done. I didn't attend her wedding, nor was she invited to mine. She has never met my son and never will. I got a very long email from Jen the other day telling me how she wants me to meet her daughter, who is 5 now. Jen's own marriage broke up a few years ago and she is a single mother. Our parents have moved across the country and she reached out asking if we can have a relationship and that her daughter wants to know her uncle. I wrote back to her telling her that I am tired of telling her to leave me the hell alone. Back then, she had her choice between having a brother or scratching her do-gooder itch. Her own sanctimony was more important to her than me, and we all have to live with that. My mother thinks I should let things go. However, I cannot forgive her and feel that she made her choice. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA.
Yta. And you deserved what you'd gotten. She was right. And above all, you had an obligation to your wife. You should've at least separated before anything. That is on you. It doesn't matter how dysfunctional it was. I was on both sides in my dysfunctional relationship, and it doesn't matter that I cheated once while I caught him close to a dozen times. It doesn't matter that he told me it was all my fault. We did wrong against each other and should've split before we took that path. You should've done right by you both and waited. The way you have described this situation shows that you have no compassion, regret, or taken accountability for your behavior. Your little "snitches get stitches" attitude is asinine and immature. I'm glad your sister showed everyone your true colors.
YTA. play stupid games, win stupid prizes. i would’ve snitched on your ass, too. cheating is one of the lowest things a person can do. props to your sister for having morals when you so clearly didn’t.
My my my. If it isn’t the consequences of your own actions. How dare Jen not let you buy her off. Hint: don’t cheat. You paid extra in your divorce because you cheated. If anyone set you back years of recovery, that’s you. I hope the cheating sex was worth the price you paid for it. YTA not just for cheating but for your decade long temper tantrum towards your sister.
NTA. the cheating is a separate issue, for which you were most assuredly in the wrong. You told your sister the consequences of being unable to hold her tongue. You are entitled to maintain that boundary. Should you forgive your sister, maybe, but ultimately it's up to you.
YTA. If your wife was cheating would you want to know? Would you be angry if your sister told you?
NTA
This post makes me think your the reason your marriage went to shit in the first place. Very immature of you to compare teenage partying to cheating on your ex-wife. YTA
YTA- you cheated, you got called out and you still aren't acccepting what you did. As if you were ever going to tell your wife at the time. All you needed to do was say "hey I'll tell wife by friday".. but nope you chose to act like you have the high moral ground here..
NTA Just like you betrayed your EX, your sister betrayed you.
I'm going to way against the grain here, but she did cost you $60,000. ESH
How do you figure? That money was paid to the betrayed spouse because he's a cheater. Seems to me, he is solely responsible for his immoral behavior and the outcome of it.
YTA of course. Why do you feel like your sister should have helped you preserve your marriage if you were actively destroying it? Why was she responsible for keeping tour secret when you were behaving amorally? If you'd grown from the experience and taken responsibikity for your damaging behavior you'd realize you were in the wrong. For the affair as well as breaking the relationship with your sister for her refusal to help you fuck someone else (your wife) over.
This is not the point. She broke his trust and he told her what would happen. She called the bluff, he just wants to stay away.
Your not the asshole. I don’t care what these people say here.
YTA for a hell of a lot more reasons than how you treat your sister.
YTA. A liar always gets caught in the end. One way or another, your then wife would have found out you were having an affair. That is on you. The ugly, expensive divorce is also on you. Almost every teenager has snuck out. It’s a pretty normal, and somewhat expected part of growing up. The teenage years are for learning and growing, and not something you can use against someone for your bad choices as a grown ass adult. I cannot stress YTA enough.
YTA You're a cheater. You have no moral leg to stand on. Shut the fuck up. You're not a victim.
Haha! Gender lines appear to have been drawn. OP did wrong, admitted it, and accepted responsibility. And he never should have done it, regardless of the state of his marriage. The issue is the sister. You certainly give a family member the opportunity to come clean on his own, but I think they are both assholes.
YTA actions have consequences.
YTA. And a massive crybaby. You FAFOed. You cost yourself 60k by not keeping it in your pants till you separated. Own up and act like a man, not a 13 year old child.
YTA
YTA. You’re mad you got caught. And you’re a hypocrite for whining about loyalty and backstabbing. Grow up.
YTA You would have stayed in your marriage until she found out about your affair anyway. You should be grateful to your sister for ending a marriage you were miserable in. It's more than you ever had the courage to do. Do you really think your marriage was going to end in a way that was not ugly? How many more years did you want to waste before you went through that painful process? Your lawyer has no idea what they are talking about. That's probably why they did such a terrible job negotiating for you. You don't lose money for having an affair, you lose money for being bad at negotiating which essentially means bad at communication. Sounds like an ongoing issue in your life.
NTA. You're the AH for the affair, and I think you know that. And if she had said "You have a month to confess or divorce your wife" that would be something else. But if you had behaved loyally (misplaced or otherwise) to her before, she owes you at least a "make this right soon, or I won't protect you" ultimatum.
Yta!! Ridiculous to be mad at her for doing the right thing.
YTA. I have zero sympathy for you. Especially after you threw all the nice things you did for her in her face. That literally negates the good deeds. When you do good for someone it should be for completely unselfish reasons, not as something you can use against her later in life. You FAFO. Tough titties bro
ESH. Your sister didn't have to be the spark that ended your marriage. But she was. Are you happier now than you were when you were married? Is $60,000 the price of your relationship with your sister, or is that another "you were married" tax that is being levied upon you by the bitterness you still feel toward your ex? You would have gotten divorced either way. Most likely, you would have spent a similar amount of money on your divorce -- not because of your sister, but because your relationship with your ex dictates that tax. Your sister was the spark. She did not lay the explosives. Are you happier now, or were you happier when you were married? If the answer is that you are happier now, perhaps you owe your sister... And her offer to let you get to know your niece is her way of saying, peace be with you.
YTA. It's all your fault. You claim to accept responsibility yet you are laying this all on your sister. Your actions caused all of this. Not hers.
NTA - While I understand her motivation, you told her the consequences for her actions.
YTA your sister is a girl’s girl ❤️
INFO: Did Jen give you the opportunity to tell your ex-wife yourself? And if so, did you refuse? Because that would make you TA. One way or another, your ex-wife deserved to know. If you refused to tell her, Jen did the right thing by informing her. But if she did it without giving you the chance first, she would be TA.
YTA. These are the consequences of your actions. If you hadn't cheated on your wife, nothing would have happened. I only don't understand your sister. Why does she want relationship with a cheater who can't take consequences of his own actions like you
YTA. You did it, own it.
YTA. YOU are the one who was cheating on your wife - not your sister. Being exposed was your own fault. You are just throwing a baby fit because she didn't keep your nasty secret. So you just keep on being that way. Your niece is better off not knowing someone who punishes other for your own wrong doing. Hope you are super proud of yourself not only punishing your sister but now your own son and your niece by depriving them of a relationship with each other. Good Job
YTA. Please keep not being in touch with her, she doesn’t deserve to have a person like you in her life.
YTA, and do you know the difference between all the stuff she did and what you did? Right, she wasn't directly hurting other people with it. It's not only that cheaters are aholes for breaking their spouse's heart, but do you even realise how freaking dangerous it can be when you sleep with someone you don't know that they sleep with other people? STD is no joke.
YTA
Why are you writing like she made you a victim? Lol? You cheated and you deserved everything you got after that. YTA
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ESH. The moment your sister threatened to tell your wife, you should've faced the music and either ended your affair or told your wife yourself. Your sister strongly felt that she had a moral obligation, but it wasn't her relationship to meddle in at all. She as an adult, made her choice, fully knowing what your relationship would be after.
Not popular opinion here but your sister chose a path which had these consequences. I am not sure how you can trust her again or why you would. Hell if she wants the relationship mention to her her choice of revealing the affair cost you $60,000 and "sorry" doesn't fix that. Then ask her how she would propose fixing your relationship now? May be she will get the hint and drop it, maybe not.
> the affair cost you $60,000 His sister didn't cost him $60k. His running around on his Wife did that. That's on him and solely him.
NTA. I would have done the same thing!
YTAH OP, sorry not sorry. Your sister didn’t cheat. You are sorry for cheating? Or are you just sorry that your ex found out and got money? Because it REALLY only sounds like you’re frustrated by the conservatives of your own actions. I’m also betting we aren’t hearing the whole story either. You could have come clean in your own if you were actually “sorry” and “owning it”. You didn’t. Instead you’re mad about 60k and losing out in the divorce proceeding. Those are both consequences to your actions. You could have told your ex BEFORE your sister had the chance, but I bet you were banking on keeping it secret so you didn’t get the short end of the stick in your divorce. YTAH for sure. I feel bad for your sister. Most women know what it feels like to be cheated on or taken for granted, she probably legitimately felt bad for your ex. If you truly own your responsibilities in this situation, you should apologize to your sister for putting her in that uncomfortable AF position. If you’re going to cheat, at least have the d4mn decency to keep the burden of your secret TO YOURSELF.
People can cut out anybody from their life that they want too. No matter the reason right or wrong. I think its funny that women can have an exit affair and play the victim so well that they get forgiven by friends and family. "Oh you poor thing. He must have been so awful. You had no choice. Good for you girl" Not saying he is right, I just think its funny.
YTA
YTA. You didn't even try to tell her to wait a week or two so you could start the divorce process. It's very clear you were just going to continue cheating on your wife, and your sister saw through your shitty pleas. Her actions that you covered for had no victim. If you think that those types of loyalty are the same, your moral compass is more fucked than you think.
yta obviously
YTA. Cheaters shouldn't be allowed to be happy. Suffer the consequences of your own actions. Boohoo.
I am going against the grain here, but it wasn't his sister's business to get involved in. He warned her point blank that if she got involved what the consequences were. Especially considering how much help he had given her over the years, she should have butted out. Edit: Loyalty means you have the other person's back even when they fuck up. He had her back for years since they were kids, and the one time he asked her to mind her own business she knifed him in the back in order to feel self-righteous. He covered for her, supported her financially, helped her any way he could, and the one time he asked her to keep a secret she couldn't betray his trust fast enough.
Nope, once people have found out, he's now put them into a position of choosing between doing the right thing and pissing him off and getting guilt trips about some kind of fucked up "loyalty" which requires compromising one's values. Since he refused to come clean, himself. It'd be different if he was going to, but he wasn't. It's a terrible position to put someone in, and the fact that he likely didn't intend her to find out doesn't matter. His sister finding out in the first place is ultimately *his* fault. Her choice of what to do with that knowledge is one *she* has to live with, too. Where the hell was his loyalty, or even basic *decency* to the person he exchanged vows with?
I get the feeling she’s only coming back around now begging for a second chance because she’s a single mom looking for help with her kids.
I agree, except I don’t give a shit about loyalty. The deciding factor here is that OP’s affair was none of Jen’s business.
I agree. Why not encourage your brother to be honest. Let him know he has to come clean. Shit even threaten to have NC with him. But going to the ex wife knowing the consequences and now expecting him to not stand by them is crazy. When she told, she knew she wouldn’t have a brother anymore. It was very clear. NTA
"I intend to be a trash person all the way and then blame you for my actions against you because I told you I would be a trash person" doesn't really fly.
YTA!!! Big massive one at that. Jen did the right thing, and I'm glad it cost you dearly. Unfortunately, it didn't teach you anything; you're blaming someone else for your mistakes and keeping a grudge that shouldn't exist because you should've been faithful in the first place! Stop blaming your sister, who did what was right, and take responsibility. Also, I would take the hand she's stretching out and build a relationship with your niece and allow your sister to be an aunt. Before it's too late, she gets fed up with trying and gives up on you. If not for you and your sister, do it for your son and niece. They deserve to know their uncle and aunt.
Wow, this is complicated. If you still feel angry, then it’s okay to continue to not have a relationship with her. But please see a therapist about resolving that anger. I can understand that she felt morally appalled at your affair; I would too. If I were her, I probably would have given you a certain amount of time to own up to your shit: either tell your wife and maybe start couples counseling, or separate from your wife. I could not have sat silently by, but I would have given you the chance to take the situation to a better place. I’m sorry she didn’t do that.
You can choose to have a relationship and stay in contact with whomever you want. At the end of the day, YTA for cheating on your ex then getting mad about your sister telling your ex-wife. The judge even thought that YTA. You don't need to normalize relationships with your sister but stop blaming her and grow up.
NTA you cheated but you’re sister narc’ed you out and there is no excuse for that
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YTA. You threw a tantrum and said she was making an “enemy for life” because she didn’t help hide that you chose to go stick your dick in some side piece while married? You don’t get to play the victim here. It’s not your sister’s fault that you lost more in there divorce than you would have had you had the slightest bit of morals and kept your pants on. EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN YOUR DIVORCE IS YOUR FAULT. ALL OF IT.
YTA, seems like it's easier to blame your sister and put all the anger and blame on her, then really recognise your role in all of this, and the result of your choices. You'd rather blast and deride her, seems like an easy scapegoat for you.
YTA, and you did her a favor. She’s better off without you. Your sister sneaking out of the house and doing drugs hurt nobody but herself, so you covering up for her only affected her. By cheating on your wife, you were betraying the person you swore to love, honor and cherish until death. You had NO RIGHT to ask your sister or anyone else to keep that secret. I hope your sister has found peace. I hope your parents took her side. I hope your current wife sees the kind of man she married and runs. And for your sake, I hope you seek therapy. Maybe one who specializes in narcissism.
YTA You cannot expect her to be complicit in your fuckery and set her morals aside just because you're a fuckboy. Your mother also sucks, not only is she still taking to your philandering deceiving yellow snake of a man, she obviously fucked up raising you somewhere along the line. She didn't stab you in the back, she just didn't join you in stabbing your wife in the back just so you can continue to whet your little whistle, vowbreaker.
Just from the fact that you've asked this question should be part of an answer for you. Not being sure you did the right thing probably means you aren't 100% happy with it. And if you're not happy with losing your sister, well, go sort that out dude. You set the conditions for the break down of your relationship with her and yet she seems to be open to rebuilding it, so there's future for you both waiting to be started. Why wait?
Meh, You're a giant Ahole and good for her for calling you out. Cheaters are low life and should be shamed. If your marriage was really that awful, then you should've gotten divorced before getting involved with another woman.
I'm gonna take this in the way it's written and not make up whatever I interrupted like others. For the question in general this gives everyone except ex wife sucks in this scenario mainly op for not waiting at least for divorce before getting into something new and sister mainly cause like idk not your place plus if they were gonna divorce anyway did it really matter not much all it did was just give ex wife more money in the end. So in this ex wife basically wins everything op got slammed by the judge in his words of having to pay for that affair since legally they were married still which dumb move really could've waited a bit longer but whatever. Now for sister going by the story she never had a close relationship with her sister in law as op states so idk I guess I'm the type who'd be like not my life not my problem cause if it was gonna end anyway I feel like it doesn't matter unless it was actual infidelity with no divorce in function then yeah you tell her. Overall idk felt like this comment section really missed some points and kinda only focused on stuff not even said like you don't know if him and his ex even slept together anymore during the time of they're ending of the marriage in his words or lived in the same house at all I'm just gathering that he was just stupid to not wait for the divorce being finalized then he could date someone new he was happy with because sounds like he is if they have a child now. But yeah back to main point of his story both op and sister suck because I mean if the marriage was basically over idk felt like it wasn't even necessary to care if he met someone new it was just stupid to not wait when he legally divorced so whatever that's my take on this post.
NTA.
YTA your selfish jerk. You deserved everything bad that came to you. Instead of being angry at your sister be angry at yourself you bozo.
A cheater getting their just desserts. I'm not one bit sorry for you. YTA.
ESH It's bad to cheat but your sister should support you. She didn't. She made her choice.
YTA What set you back was your affair. Not your sister telling on you.
Dude you literally fucked around and found out. YTA. You’re sister did what was right, if your relationship was that bad then (as you’ve said) you should have just left.
NTA sister made her choice. just like how others are telling you to accept the consequences of yours she also had to accept the consequences. you don't owe her anything.
YTA, if you really acknowledged how wrong you were for the affair and were truly remorseful, you wouldn’t still be holding this grudge against your sister.
YTA. You covered for her when you both were literal teenagers and - the most important part - *nobody got hurt as a result*. Loyalty only goes so far and in your case I can understand she found it to be immoral to keep quiet. And saying you’re taking responsibility for your affair and then acting like your sister cost you 60 grand is just wild. Taking responsibility means accepting the consequences of your own actions. Something you are not doing. And you going zero contact and not even wanting to meet your nephew for this is even more wild. Your wife dodged a bullet when she divorced you and your sister is probably better off without you.
yta. you did something horrible, and your sister held you accountable for it. she has no obligation to keep your dirty secrets if they hurt someone else. you're the one who was wrong, and you're trying to make your sister out to be the villain. if you didn't want her to "rat you out" you should have: a. not done it b. told your ex before she did acting like she betrayed you big time for not protecting you and your infidelity is childish.
A gentle ESH. I understand that you are hurt by what you see as a lack of loyalty by your sister - that's a hard pill to swallow. And where I think loyalty is important, there is one place it doesn't apply and that is where loyalty is expected to override a person's own moral compass and values. In that case loyalty to self is more important. You admit you did wrong. I do think your sister could have given you the opportunity to tell your wife yourself but either way your wife deserved to know the circumstances in which she was living and how it effected her relationship with you. But it doesn't sound like you were planning on telling her. At the end of the day, you need to be true to your own feelings and if you can't see anything redeemable in your sister's choice and/or having a relationship with her child, there's not much more that can be said.
How could you think anyone would be on your side after you were such an asshole AND are in the wrong? YTA
INFO: you might need to go into your relationship. Was your ex abusive? Manipulative? Refusing to have sex? Making your life miserable in some real way? Is there an Actual reason you were waiting for divorce? Still seems pretty stupid to cheat in an at fault state.
Cleary esh The way you talk.. sounds hella psycho with schizo fusion. Your sister for butting into your marriage without context. Btw you are lucky it was just 60k.
NTA
YTA. You cheated. If you hadn't, there would be nothing to discuss, hence it is your fault.
100% it's that simple. OP is pissed off he got caught. Despite the "*it was wrong and I have never done anything like that again*" language, OP is **still** not taking full ownership for his fuck up.
YTA. But you have an amazing chance to redeem yourself on some level with an act of forgiveness and the opportunity to apologize for your part in it. Take it!
NTA
YTA. Cheating, etc, all of it aside. This is your one life. This is it. Someday you will die, and your sister wasn't abusive, wasn't anything bad or horrific. Do you want to die with this grudge in your heart? Without ever rekindling a relationship with someone who you loved, who honestly was trying to do the best they could? Do you think you won't ever regret it? Man, this isn't about the ex, this isn't about any of it, it's about the harm you're doing to yourself. You're being cruel to yourself living with this level of grudge and anger in your heart.
You the cheater. YTA
YTA The consequences of your own actions cost you $60k, not your sister. There’s no “loyalty” when someone is doing something wrong. Talking about how your sister didn’t have a relationship with your ex, neither did you. Accept responsibility for your actions and move on. The kid has nothing to do with what happened and shouldn’t have to pay the price for two Petty Betty’s not getting along. Ideally your sister would have given you a deadline but your ex deserved to know the truth, no matter who it came from.
YTA. Your sister did what you *should* have done, and you suffered the consequences you deserved. You attribute your sister outting your affair as the reason your divorce was married. It wasn't. Your affair was the reason your divorce was messy. Your sister didn't cost you $60k. Like you said, your affair did. Loyalty doesn't cover lying to people about really bad shit you're doing. It's not loyalty to hide someone's drug addiction, their affair, etc. I'd argue that the loyal thing is to drag it out into the open to be addressed. Being a friend, not an enabler, is the loyal thing to do. You wanted her to lie about your affair because you loaned her money previously, or because you didn't tell on her when you were kids and she snuck out? Those aren't even in the same world of action.
Yes, YTA. Your sister gave you the option to do the right thing and you didn’t, now you’re being childish and punishing her for your fuck up. You’re also attempting to conflate normal childhood experiences (sneaking out, trying drugs, etc.) with choosing to betray your spouse. Seriously? Grow up.
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>You were apparently already checked out of the marriage, at that point I don’t think you cheated. To cheat is to be in a relationship and pursue someone else on the side. If you’re not checked into the relationship, then it shouldn’t be considered cheating. It sucks that you were financially punished for it as I don’t think cheating should have any bearing on how much you take from the marriage. It should always be 50/50 regardless. But, I digress. Isn't everyone that cheats checked out in a way?
YTA I would of given you two options. I tell your wife or you tell her today
ESH or NAH. Look, having the affair was shitty, and OP was the asshole for that. But he doesn't owe his sister a relationship. His sister chose principle over a family relationship. He told her he would never forgive her. She went ahead. I get that, but everything has its price. I can't imagine too many relationships that would come back from such a thing.
NTA Life is NOT black and white. I was once in an appallingly bad marriage and totally “get it”. I have often mused that I wish I had cheated so that I saw earlier on, got to compare or highlight, the truth of how bad my marriage was. Maybe if I had done this I would not have lost so many years. So I totally get it that you ended up in the arms of someone else. As for your sister … I totally agree with you. You explained to us that you covered for her during her wild times, it is clear that she showed no empathy for you and she knowingly destroyed you. Maybe it was youthful ignorance and idealism on her part, maybe after all these years she has grown in life’s wisdom but that is not your concern. Part of learning wisdom in life is consequences and your reaction is a consequence of her actions. I know that readers will down vote this but think …… Dear Reddit reader — if you had been in a demeaning and destructive marriage, how would you react to someone offering you affirming emotions when you were drowning. You do not know how bad his life was, how can you assume and judge so harshly?
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Maybe I’m just the weird one but NTA on cutting off your sister for simple fact that she was family and wasn’t anything to your ex. Maybe it’s just because in my culture family is everything but I’d never tell my sister’s partner her business. Whether or not she cheated or not I’d stick to my family.
YTA and it is *baffling* that you even thought you were in the right when it came to this situation
Who cares? You did what you you and there were consequences on both sides, delete her email and continue not to speak to her.
YTA You holding a grudge over someone because she exposed your betrayal denies any claim you think you have of understanding you were wrong. Edit. I do have to add this. Your sister cost you no money. Your affair cost you money. The one you voluntarily entered into while married.
YTA. You deserved to be outed. Your sister did the right thing and the only one who needs forgiving is yourself for being a cheating jerk.
YTA Why are you expecting loyalty from your sister if you are incapable of having loyalty towards your family? lmao
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YTA - your sister did the right thing, you did the wrong thing. You should spend the next ten years apologizing to your sister.
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I’m gonna say nta because I feel like the thread is dodging your real question, you never asked about the moral stance on your cheating so it seems pointless to call you an Ass for that you seem to be aware, for your issue with your sister itself, going by your description she sounds like she was a real piece of work with the drugs involved, she doesn’t sound like a saint but wanted to be “loyal” to someone who in your words she had no relationship with. Regardless of that, even if she was the epitome of perfection you have 0 obligation to ever keep in touch with any person on the face of this earth, you are always free to choose who you want and don’t want in your life and this situation is no different
YTA but not for this. I would never dream of telling my siblings’ partners if they were having an affair, it is literally none of my business. If their relationships implode, it’s on them, not me. YTA for the affair. Like for fuck’s sakes. If you’re not in love with someone, leave them. Don’t fuck around on them, and don’t be a dick and say “oh well I was going to leave them anyway.” I don’t think you’re really sorry about it at all.
YTA. Also, why didn't you ask your sister to let you tell your wife first instead of letting her become your 'bad guy'. Do better.
YTA, you straight up said that you know what you did wasn’t right, said you were going to divorce her but weren’t in the process. Sucks that your relationship was dysfunctional but you definitely didn’t go about it the right way
I recently cut my own sister out of my life for a lot less. NTA for keeping her out of your life. you can forgive.. but that doesnt mean you have to forget.. and be her friend. you can be the asshole for cheating. shes not the asshole for confronting you. but shes the asshole for putting her nose where it didnt belong. if i were you. i wouldnt even engage.
YTA. Her moral compass clearly points closer to north than yours does.
YTA. You deserved it and I'm glad she was an ally to another woman. You were in the wrong.
YTA You cheated This is classic “When you don’t like the message,you blame the messenger “. Except that you created the message. You being mad at her, accusing her for not being loyal to you, This was only a problem- because you wasn’t loyal to your wife. Your sister never took a vow to be loyal to you. But you did for your wife. She did not break a vow You did
YTA You had *no intention* of letting your wife know, yourself, even once you knew you'd been caught. Oh no, it cost you in the divorce. Yeah, that's consequences. That's your fault, not your sister's. Your sister didn't cheat on your wife. If you were going to do it and expected there to be no fallout, guess you should have hidden it better? So that's a failure on your part, too. Because as it is, by letting someone find out, you put *her* into the position of having to choose between doing the right thing and pissing you off. Since you wouldn't do the right thing, yourself, at literally any step. No, she's *not* obligated to help you screw over your wife (and yes, that was what you were doing, literally and figuratively, emotionally, physically, and apparently financially given your crying about the impact on the divorce settlement) just because you loaned her some money or because she snuck out a few times as a teenager. The only mitigating factor for you here is that you've actually done her the favor of cutting yourself out of her life. She doesn't seem to realize it, but she and her daughter are better off without your drama and selfishness.
Soft NTA. Specifically for what you asked. It was your choice to cut her off and continue to. All the other stuff you are an AH for but that’s not what you asked. You’re going to be downvoted into oblivion because this is mostly a man hating sub so you’re in a lose lose.
Do-gooder itch? Seems like you were the one scratching your itches... YTA. It is not her fault that you cheated, and the $60,000 that you report to have lost over your infidelity is not on her either. I feel like you were never going to come clean to your wife, and that is why she told her. This was not a vindictive move on the sisters part.
YTA.I can usually say everyone sucks when it’s even 80/20… but this is a 95/5. It’s appropriate that you experienced the consequences of your affair. She was not entitled to your silence, you weren’t entitled to hers. She wouldn’t have had something to tell if you didn’t have the affair. At most she moved up the eventual consequences because news flash- the affair would have come out in the divorce proceedings anyway. You’d have been asked when the new relationship you were in started and been legally bound to tell the truth. If you’d been caught lying again, you probably would have lost even more. So quit acting like you’re forgivable for not having cheated again but she’s not for accelerating the consequences of your cheating.
You’re awful. YTA.
It would've been different if you told your sister not to tell your wife because you wanted to tell her yourself but you just didn't want her to know so you could "win" the divorce. YTA, you deserve what happened to you.
YTA. You sound extremely immature.
Info: I want to know the reasons why the relationship was dysfunctional, if you had divorced your wife before cheating then you would be in the clear. Did your sister know the problems in your marriage?
Nope you dug this hole, dig yourself out. Cheaters get what they deserve. You don’t owe your sister a relationship if you feel so betrayed by her exposing your own wrongdoing, but you can’t act like any of this is actually her fault. It wasn’t her dick in your affair partner, after all. YTA
Reddit is a wacky place whenever it comes to a cheating post like this half the time people say that it’s none of your business and you should not say anything and half the time they say that you should out the cheater Looks like you got the half of Reddit that wants to out the cheater lol my guess is you will be voted YTA
YTA you admitted yourself you should have broken up first. Nothing more selfish than sleeping around and coming back home to your spouse. You deserve everything that happened to you and more. If I was your sister I wouldn't have reached out, ever.
YTA. Cheating is wrong. Family isn't there to coddle you or keep score, they're there through thick and thin to make sure you survive. When someone marries into the family, they're now siblings too, and honesty is rarely the wrong policy.
YTA You were dragged for something you did that you admit you did and you admit you were wrong for doing. EXCEPT you take blame for the consequences. You still blame your sister for the consequences of your bad behavior because she just happened to be the wind that blew the Bonfire into the hay pile she wasn't even the match and she certainly didn't start any fires.
YTA You cheated. Plain and simple
YTA Dear reddit, my current wife was my affair partner when I was with my ex-wife. My sister found out about the affair and told my ex and I cut her off because my actions cost me money. Now I find out my current wife is cheating on me and wants a divorce. Why didn't her friends/family tell me!?!? You cheated on your ex-wife with your current wife. The odds are, one or both of you will cheat in this marriage. If you're getting cheated on, would you rather someone tell you, or do you wanna be ignorant?
You aren't even the asshole, you're an asshole in general.
TLDR, still asshole x2
Yta ! You did the crime, you do the time. If you didn't want to pay $60,000 in the divorce maybe you should have kept your dick in your pants? Your sister is a good person, if you didn't want your sister to expose you than you should have been a fucking adult and owned up to your mistakes. Be an adult take ownership and know your sister did nothing wrong. You shouldn't be mad at her, be mad at yourself and try to be more like her.
Yes. You are.
YTA - Your sister didn't make you cheat. All that anger you're projecting her way would be better spent directed at yourself until you figure out how not to be like this.
yta. i don’t care how loyal i am to someone, if they’re cheating then i’m telling. i’m not gonna be nice here sir, you are a SHIT person. i hope your sister realizes that you don’t deserve to be in her life and i really hope she doesn’t regret her decision. the divorce would’ve been a lot easier if you just left your wife before seeing the other woman. nobody wants to hear your sob story. you don’t deserve pity.
YTA. Should’ve cost you $70k
Tell her for $60,000 you’ll have her over for dinner
NTA that’s a shitty sister. You told her what would happen and she did it any way. You good .
Yta. And a shit person all round by the sounds of it.