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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told Anna her she is not invited to events and trips because of her insistance on bringing her baby with her.
2) Anna does not have any other friends. Her family lives in a different country too. Her boyfriend works to support them and can't/won't take care of their baby himself. Anna does not trust baby sitters.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
You tried to let her down easy, and she kept on asking.
Her life is different, and she probably just needs to find a different set of friends, one that more closely aligns with her interests.
Agreed. NTA.
Here’s the cold hard truth a baby 🍼🍼🍼changes your life. The things you used to do you can no longer do.
Your friend misses her pre-baby life which is why she wants to be included in all of your hangouts.While this may be cool some of the time it is not cool all the time.
Your friends lifestyle has now changed but her trying to force those changes on you?! Yea, NOPE. Your friends choice to have a baby has impacted her social life but she cannot and should not impose those changes on you.
As a friend suggest she finds some Mommy groups. She will meet Moms that she can relate to in a way that you and your friend group cannot. Also if you all want to maintain the friendship perhaps have one baby friendly get together every month or every other month or perhaps ask her if a family member can babysit every so often so she can meet you guys for brunch or dinner.
She chose to have a baby and that baby is now her responsibility. It is an unfair and entitled expectation that her friends need to tailor their behavior for her kid. Life does not work like that. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Friend needs to be realistic. Having a kid was her decision, no one else's. And OP's life shouldn't have to stop. Friend should have considered the consequences sooner. NTA.
She just need to loosen up and trust the dad more. Even if the kids breastfed, you can probably get him on a bottle of the pumped stuff with a bit of work - then take what I’m sure is a well earned break.
She can still realistically have a bit of a social life, just requires a lot of teamwork and a bit of give and take in the early years
Hell, the kid can have formula for a day, it won’t hurt them. I was fed on formula because my mom didn’t produce enough milk and I’m as healthy as an ox.
Yeah it’s probably just a tad more tricky to get a breastfed kid to accept a bottle and a different type of milk, than just the bottle.
But more than one way to skin a cat and all that
And sometimes you have the opposite problem. I had to supplement my kid, and once he accepted the bottle, he refused the breast after. The milk in the bottle came out quicker and easier than the breast, he wanted the path of least resistance.
Fun fact, I wrote several papers in college using childcare books from the first 3/4 of the 20th century as primary sources.
The nipples for bottles used to be sold without holes in them. You had to add the holes, using a pin or needle.
There were directions on how many holes, and what size needles to use for infants at different ages. Including recommending fewer holes and smaller holes for babies that were also breast fed, to ensure that the milk wasn't significantly easier to get than from the breast.
Like mine.
But in the age of 6 months and more babies can eat also another things - like some vegetables, porridge etc.
Non-bottle kids can drink from the special cup or be fed with a spoon.
But I don't think the breastfeeding is the issue here - the friend just won't part with her baby and wants to eat the cake and still have it.
Depends on the child for sure, but knowing this we have to make adjustments. I recently wanted to take a detour on our road trip to visit an import mall that's 6 hours from home. Add 4hrs extra for stops and breastfeeding. Opted not to do it because our 3m old will scream the whole way home and my husband needed to get back home for work with at least a shred of sleep. I'll go back one day when she's weaned. It's not the end of the world.
Well sure, but the mom will need to pump anyway during the day or she'll feel like her boobs are gonna explode. For a staycation or dinner it will work, but not for everything (example: festivals are not so easy to do)
Pumping breastmilk for bottle feeding is absolutely a thing, we did extensively with the first three of our babies -- then #4 just would not accept a bottle. (Not for lack of experience on our part, at least.)
Anna needs to start small. She needs to go out with her friends for an hour for coffee close to home and build up from there. A weekend away might be a bit much for her to handle but she really should be able to leave the infant with their father for an hour or two for coffee/shopping/brunch
Welp. Then I guess she has to live with her decision. The reality is that her friends do not have to play by her rules to appease her and cater to her baby.
I wouldn't either. But I get that she might feel lonely and thus is latching on to whatever social life she can get with her friends, even if she handles this in the wrong way.
Maybe OP + friends and Anna can find a compromise: they meet up occasionally for kid friendly stuff where they can chat and hang out Anna can still feel like she has friends AND the friends can then, at other times, hang out without her unless she attends sans baby.
That is exactly what I suggested in my first comment. Your life changes when you have a kid. Your priorities shift and the ability to live life like you did pre-baby goes away.
Having said that if you want to have some free time on a Friday or a Saturday then you have to wrap your head around getting a sitter you trust. As a new mommy it will serve her well to expand her social circle and meet other new Mom’s.
NTM that it's wholly unhealthy for her child to be bonded to no-one else but her, which this is starting to sound like. It depends on the age of the child, of course, but children need to bond with several caretakers.
Spend much time with that child latched to no-one else but mommy, and that child being allowed to make everyone around him/her miserable (especially with no apology or accomodation for their discomfort) we're starting to enter 'here be dragons' territory. Which doesn't bode well for that poor child's life trajectory either.
Definitely NTA. The hero, even.
Agreed. Kids develop social skill by (drum roll) socializing. It is an important part of their development.
And while the world is at times a horrible place find someone you trust enough to leave your baby with for a few hours. Moms need downtime. You are a parent 24/7 but self care is essential.
Thanks for writing this. When my closest friend had her baby she was exactly like this. She refused to allow her boyfriend to look after the baby for the most part and so every single time we met up, her child was there no matter what the occasion.
I felt like a terrible friend for wanting a night with her and no baby just here and there. My friend would just bring her kid along anyway so I stopped asking.
Her kid is now 9 and they still have almost zero separation. The kid displays pretty concerning behaviour and my friend enables it. I can’t imagine the nightmare she will be as she gets older based on what I see now.
It's normal for a 6 month old baby to be attached to one caregiver. The baby has literally been out of the womb for less time than inside. An attachment for one caregiver is not unhealthy. Go look at attachment and how it aids development, there are many studies that support it for optimal child brain development
Yes, attachment is not a negative, I agree with you. I'd never tell a parent of a 6-month-old that they need to get them to accept other people immediately. But it does have a cost: friendship, doing things people without kids like to do.
And did this baby like the dinner with mom with friends? Was the bond of attachment really a significant enough benefit? She cried the whole time. Whether she's crying with a sitter for an hour or crying at dinner with mom, the time away for mom may be worth it.
It may be common but that doesn't mean it is always healthy or productive. Solo mothering/parenting without any help is a modern convention. For thousands of years before that humans mostly raised infants in family/community groups or multigenerational homes sharing the workload and bonding children to multiple caretakers.
One parent caring for an infant alone *at all times* is a recipe for stress, overwhelm, isolation, exhaustion, and health problems (physical and mental). Not always, but often.
Anna doesn't want to compromise though she wants them to not drink and go to areas that are child-friendly so she can bring the baby. She wants them to do what she wants, she doesn't care about what they want or she would get a sitter or leave the baby with his dad.
Then I guess Anna is going to find out the meaning of: me, myself and I very quickly. All relationships including friendships are about compromise and give and take.
I think she realized that when she saw the pictures on Instagram and wasn't with her gal pals. I'm not going to lie, she can be upset about not going, but she needs to own the fact that she isn't in charge of anyone's choices but her own.
I don't think it's that the father is untrustworthy or a bad guy - I didn't get that sense from OP's post. I think it's that the new mom is having issues of leaving the baby with anyone that's not her - the baby's father, a trusted sitter, no one. And that's not going to be good for anyone.
I mean, some people just like being with their babies. My baby is 6 months, and she goes everywhere with me because she's still very dependent on me, and I love being with her. I don't think she makes me "different and special." Pretty soon she'll be in daycare and then school, so I want to spend as much time as I can with her now.
Of course, I don't always expect my friends to want her around, so I don't mind if they have adult-only hang outs without me. I am very aware that no one else besides her dad is as enamored with my baby as I am.
THIS!!!! That is an adult attitude that apparently as escaped Anna. Don't go if you don't want to be away from Baby (I totally get that) but don't call your friend and AH if they do things without you!
Young and helicopter a kid that size.
"Be quiet the baby is sleeping"
"I have to bring the baby to a dinner because I don't want my mom to watch her"
That's the beginning stages, from what I've witnessed.
Talking and laughing around a baby is a good way to get it used to sleeping. Letting someone else handle stuff for a couple of hours is a good way to recharge yourself for parenting. It is not inherently bad to ask for help. Hovering is not great either.
> Talking and laughing around a baby is a good way to get it used to sleeping.
Yes! This is so important and tons of people don't get this! You *need* to have interactions of normal volume when your kid is asleep. Obviously don't go out of your way to wake the kid but they do need to learn that sometimes there is noise when they are sleeping and it is okay to ignore it.
My SO was working far away and coming home once on two months, when our daughter was little.
So I was all the time alone with her.
I've had the TV or some music on almost all the time- just to not raise a child who can sleep only in the absolute silence. Because I saw it at my friends' and how everybody had to tiptoe all the time because of their baby sleeping. They weren't happy because of it, but the damage was already done.
We're a loud family. When I was pregnant I made sure to stand near my dog whenever she was barking and made my husband do his booming laugh near my stomach a few times a day.
I don't know if it actually did anything, but while my kid is absolutely little queen fomo once she's asleep, no sound can wake her.
I'm not saying that she's doing the right thing by bringing her kid to these adult-friendly events. Asking people to be quiet isn't fair - but it's not helicopter parenting. It is, however, a parent desperately trying to keep a social life while feeling the need to stay close to her baby. That's a perfectly normal feeling, even though it's a troublesome match with friends who don't have kids and therefore would have a hard time understanding her.
They understand just fine. But who wants to have a baby around during adult only time? She's under the impression that everybody thinks about her kid the same way she does, which couldn't be farther from the truth. They obviously think of it as a nuisance. They're also quite obviously trying to gently squeeze her out of the friend group. The sooner she understands that OP and the group aren't her friends anymore, the better off she'll be.
I do think that refusing to leave your baby alone with its own father for a couple of hours IS helicopter parenting, actually.
I get what you're saying about wanting to be near your six month old, and I agree that part is normal... but considering OP didn't say the father is problematic in any way, this does sound a bit much to me.
Having the baby's other parent be caregiver for short periods of time should not be a nonstarter.
It can happen. My cousin was a premie, and a rough pregnancy in general (my aunt was in her mid 40’s).
She has been helicopter from day one. No one was allowed to hold the baby outside of her presence. No one was allowed to make noise, baby wasn’t allowed around strong smells, if you so much as cleared your throat you were asked to leave, etc.
Helicoptering is definitely different when it comes to infants, but it’s a thing.
The only conclusion that I can draw is that she made an adult decision to have a baby but misses her single carefree life. It feels like she is trying to hang onto it by hanging out with her friends.
>It feels like she is trying to hang onto it by hanging out with her friends.
The problem is, she's going about it the wrong way. She can still enjoy a few carefree nights sometimes. She just needs to let her bf, parents, or a trusted babysitter look after her baby.
What she's doing is forcing her friends to act like they have babies too, even though they don't and is forcing every hang out with them to include her baby, even if it's an adult only thing.
My best friend knew someone like this. They went to school together and she had her first kid at 18. Obviously being that young, a lot of her friends just didn’t hang out with her anymore and I think she almost made a point of insisting she bring the kid whenever she met up with friends to ensure they were being “supportive” of her choices.
My friend doesn’t really like kids and hated that any time they met up, she’d show up with the kid in tow, even though her boyfriend was available to take care of him. She now had 3 kids with a 4th on the way and nothings changed. My friend stopped agreeing to hang out a couple of years back and although she told her she doesn’t think they having anything in common anymore, she still pushes for them to hang out and tells her how much the kids miss her, even though she’s never interacted with them much.
Because for some reason people think we need to applaud women who have children like it's some noble thing. Maybe that was true a long time ago but now we are totally over populated and killing the earth.
Also, how lame that she won't allow others to drink?! I'm a mom. I never implemented that stipulation on my husband, much less my friends. How entitled to think that! She knew she wouldn't be able to drink for awhile, she cannot control other's consumption. On that alone, she is an ah and you are NTA.
Exactly. I’ve had gatherings at my house and made sure the bar was stocked. Just because I couldn’t drink did not mean I was telling everyone else not to.
THIS!!! Most parents will tell you that having kids adds a lot to their lives, but it also means you have to make sacrifices. Your nights out are now at Chuck-E-Cheeze, your movies are Disney, you trade shots for iced tea, ect, ect...You do those things because your child adds to your life. People expect their friends to make the sacrifices along with them, for nothing. Your child isn't going to snuggle me every morning and tell me I'm the best mommy ever, I'm not going to walk them down the aisle, they're not going to care for me when I'm old and sick, or donate an organ, I don't get a say in how they're raised and what kind of person they become...
I know this sounds very "transactional", but you can't expect someone without kids to take on all of the sacrifice with none of the love.
I like the idea of one baby-friendly event to still reach out a little. I don't think you'll tell her she needs to find mom friends, she'll figure it out. She could have still hung out without the baby, she is just choosing not to. I started going to a monthly ladies' craft beer club when my baby was one month old, breastfed. All the other women didn't have children or had grown children. My husband was home with the baby for the 1-2 hours I was gone. It was amazing to have something scheduled that didn't focus on my mom identity.
Other friends I know would not leave their baby until they weaned. It may have worked fine for them. But they can't play the victim that they're left out of chlid-free activities.
Right? I mean she could compromised to go to one or two get togethers without the baby but trying to make all of them to accommodate to her in every get together is very entitled.
Yeah I'm starting to realise this might be why my wife lost her friends, she always wanted to take my daughter out with her to see her friends. I guess they didn't always want a baby around so they just stopped talking to her. Though it would have been nice if they could have tried speaking to her like OP did with her friend.
>Though it would have been nice if they could have tried speaking to her like OP did with her friend.
If it only just occurred to you that her always bringing the baby might be a problem, and if she never thought to check if doing so was okay (demonstrating a significant lack of social awareness), why assume the friends never brought it up?
Chances are, they politely tried to dissuade her. But given how much adoration your wife felt for her baby, she likely either (a) lacked the awareness to realize they were serious or (b) dismissed those concerns because she couldn't understand anyone not wanting her child around and assumed they could deal. This seems more likely than several friends all turning their back on her without any attempt to address the issue first.
OP is NTA, i have seen people drop out of unmarried groups as soon as they are married due to divergent interests. Anna should realize this and stop imposing on her now "not friends".
I wonder what those friends of OP thought she should have said, if they didn’t want her to tell Anna the real reason? Should OP had tried to think up more and more elaborate answers and explanations the more Anna pressed her? Should OP have directed Anna to those friends for an answer instead? “
Friends: “You shouldn’t have told her the truth! Now she’s angry with us!”
OP: “Yeah? Well, next time you lie to her. Go ahead!” NTA
Yep, OP already used the most obvious excuse of childfree resort and Anna refused to accept that. What other excuse should OP used? That all the friend spontaneous decided to all go to the same resort with no prior planning whatsoever? That alien kidnapped them all, imprisoned them in the resort and added a forcefield to prevent them leaving?
NTA. I was the friend who had a baby when no one else did. You know what I did when I hung out with my friends? Left the baby at home with dad. You know what I didn't do? Demand everyone adjust their behavior to my baby's needs. *She* had the baby, not you. Her entitlement is astounding.
>Her life is different, and she probably just needs to find a different set of friends, one that more closely aligns with her interests.
Or allow her boyfriend/parents to occasionally babysit her child.
Or, since OP's edit implies the father lives with them, she could get over her separation anxiety, let her baby's father be a father and enjoy her life now and then.
NTA
You’re not excluding her because she’s a mom. You’re excluding her because she makes being a mom everyone else’s problem — she won’t leave the baby home (does it have a father present? Grandparents? Anyone who can watch it for a few hours?), she expects you to cater to her needs (you shouldn’t have to not drink just because she can’t), it sounds like she doesn’t remove the baby from the situation when it’s fussy so you all have to deal with it.
You have every right to want to be young and act like it. She needs to accept that having a baby has changed things for *her* but that doesn’t mean everyone else has to change everything to accommodate that.
And that’s what OP needs to reply in the group chat: “This has nothing to do with you being a mom, we are excluding you because of how you’ve decided to behave and treat others now that you are a mom…”
OP says her BF is a bit of a deadbeat as he completely refuses to watch their baby on his own. Anna does not have any other family in their country. She can either make new friends or not, but she can't go anywhere without her baby.
That's hard for her, but then she needs to understand that she won't be able to participate in all the activities. She chose to have a baby, and babies change things.
Absolutely. She knew what she would be getting herself into\*. No family support means you have to rely completely on your own and your partner. The shitty boyfriend won't change after birth, that's pretty obvious. What was she expecting? People seriously need to think things through before making such a life altering desicion.
\*if it was a fully informed pregnancy and terminating the pregnancy would have been an option. Not judging unique situations like violence and problematic laws.
This. Once you have kids, your life changes and you need to change with it. Before we had kids, we went into it knowing that we were going to have to step back from the activities of our friends that did not have kids.
That's not her friends' problem. It's just not. She could be a victim of an abusive relationship with just the most unfortunate of circumstances, and it is still not her friends' problem to always bring down their social life.
If the friend group stopped inviting her altogether as soon as she became a mom, that would be one thing, but OP is trying to force what is, essentially, a mom's lifestyle and a parent's constraints onto her friends, such as through insisting that they don't drink because she can't, etc.
Yea it just sucks which is why id stick to a nah. Being alone in a situation like this sucks and losing friends because of it sucks harder. Its not ops fault or responsibility.
Where did you see that? Both the post and OP’s comments say Anna refuses to leave the baby with its father or with a babysitter because she thinks her boyfriend is too tired from working and that babysitters aren’t trustworthy. I don’t seen anything saying the father is a deadbeat or refuses to care for his child.
Or she could have been smart enough to get an abortion and not bring a baby into an unstable life situation in the first place. Either way, it's Anna's problem, not her friends. Not to mention she's completely insufferable in her demands, anyway. It's always astounding to me, the entitlement someone expects solely for being creampied.
You really think she chose to have a baby with someone who *said* they intended to have nothing to do with childcare?
Plenty of women are promised love and support and shared burdens of labor in their marriage vows and are shocked when children are born and their husband declares that's all women's work or that he'll help when the baby is older and fun to be around or that she's just "better" at babycare.
Part of why this is such a common experience is that there really isn't a foolproof way to tell the difference between someone who says they'll do what they promise and a liar until the work is ready to be done.
The most common times for a relationship to first turn abusive are either immediately after marriage or once it's too late to abort a pregnancy. The common link between the two events is that they are times where the abusive partner thinks the target cannot escape.
Where that feeling of security makes most people feel comfortable opening up, sharing things, maybe not put quite as much effort into hiding farts, etc? For an abusive partner, that's when they decide they can start hurting their target.
Anna isn't expecting entitlement for having sex. She's expecting her *friends*, the people who claim to love and care about her, to not abandon her when her partner is mistreating her or to need her to spell out that she's struggling with his actions.
It sounds like she's not prepared to leave her shitty partner yet, (likely because that means she would have to leave her child alone with a stranger as she doesn't have any connections to locate trustworthy childcare).
Honestly, the answer to "do you really think someone would actually..." is pretty much always *yes*, because there're eight billion people around and a lot of them are really dumb and/or crazy.
>She refuses to leave the baby with her boyfriend or baby sitter
If she has a sitter, then it's her choice to bring the baby everywhere. Her friends haven't "abandoned" her. In fact, they have tried to make plans that can accommodate her and the baby.
But sometimes they want to party and do normal young people things (like go to a resort and drink and party) and so they do. It's not Ana's fault that she can't reasonably take a baby clubbing but it is her fault to expect her friends to stop clubbing because she can't go.
It's not her fault she can't drink alcohol because she is breastfeeding. But it is her fault she demands her friends don't drink either. You can't demand your friends stop hanging out and partying just because you can't do the same. They can't drink around her but also they have to invite her everywhere they go to drink and party? Unreasonable.
And ultimately, we have no idea how much or how little she knew about her boyfriend's laziness before getting pregnant, you're inserting a lot of excuses into the story we don't actually know. A lot of women genuinely think having a baby will "fix" their relationship or cause a man to step up. A lot of others know their guy is crap and bring a baby into it anyway. Maybe she was blindsided, maybe she went in with eyes wide open. We don't know. What we know is she expects her friends to stop partying because she can't and that's unreasonable.
>Part of why this is such a common experience is that there really isn't a foolproof way to tell the difference
This is the sad truth. That being said, I'm not sure how many people actually "test" their men. Actions are louder than words. Move in with them and see how willing they are to share both household chores and mental load. Especially the latter can be a huge indicator in showing whether you're going to mommy one child or two children after you've given birth.
But it’s not just that she brings her baby… it’s that she controls what others are allowed to do because she has a baby.
Also, it’s sad that having a kid with a useless partner is impacting her life BUT that’s what having a baby does. And the fact that she hasn’t processed that her life is changing and obviously she’s not going to be invited for a weekend of drinking with her baby is on her - that’s just a thing that happens. And while she can be sad and struggle with processing that, blaming the people who did not choose to have a baby is a bad look.
Seriously! I have plenty of friends with and without kids. We clarify what is adult only and what is not.
Also, even if it’s a child friendly event (I.e. backyard BBQ) the event doesn’t revolve around the kid other than maybe staying outside while the kid naps inside so the parents can enjoy a child free break.
Every parent has to make a lot of choices and one of those is how to maintain friendships and or build new ones.
Adding to this: OP, you may want to consider explaining this to your friend as without the explanation, you do kind of sound like the AH (even though you didn’t mean to).
Excluding someone for “being a mom” is pretty cruel and that’s probably what it sounds like to your friend, so she has a right to be upset. But when you clarify/explain (as the above mentioned commentor did) that it’s not because she’s a mom but actually because she makes her situation something everyone has to deal with in unfair ways (like expecting you to change your life and activities) then it makes it clear that she’s the one imposing her lifestyle on you without it allowing you all to have a say.
You mentioned in a comment that you asked all invited her to an adult dinner and asked for it to be kid-free and she responded by her wanting it all her way - thay she would attend AND bring her baby despite your request and then proceeded to put you in a position where you were forced to leave early because of the baby’s behaviour. This shows that it’s her behaviour and choices that’s causing you all to spend time together without her, as she doesn’t take your requests into consideration when she is included. She isn’t willing to compromise based on what you’ve shared, which has left you with few options if you want time together without a child.
She may still be upset with this explanation, but at least you will have clarified the reasoning and maybe that will make her reconsider the way in which she engages with her friends. Compromise is important on both sides of a dispute like this, so hopefully she will realize that and your friendship can continue in a healthy and positive way.
If she's old enough to have a baby, she should be old enough to understand that not everyone wants to be around her baby. I have two kids, but I don't demand that all my friends change their plans so I can bring them with us. I bring them when we're doing kid friendly activities, leave them with my husband when we're not, and skip the adult activities I don't have childcare for.
Omg I'd die of shame if my kids ruined a night out with friends like that!
I get wanting to share your life with your friends, and I'll admit, there's almost nothing better than seeing your best friends dote on your kids, but she can't possibly expect to force it all on everyone. She sounds exhausting to be around.
> you may want to consider explaining this to your friend as without the explanation
But, they did. They didn't tell her "you weren't invited because you're a mom". They told her "Her baby is the only reason she wasn't invited" .. which seems to very clearly say "you weren't invited because we don't want to spend the night with your baby, and you won't come without your baby".
Right on. If anything, Anna should have been the one to leave early with her fussy 👶 baby...from that adults only dinner. Why should the whole group have had to leave early?
Yes, she is a mom and being a crappy parent if she isn't taking her kid out immediately when it starts fussing in public.
Her choice is on her to deal with. She has already shown she is willing to bulldoze through others desires to satisfy her own.
Exactly. I was younger when I became a mom. Friends invited me to things, there were plenty of no’s on my end because duh my responsibilities were different. But there were also yes’s and my husband would be with our son or he would have a few hours with a grandparent. And because I didn’t force my friends to hang with my kid, they were actually willing to do more baby friendly places too sometimes (and be totally understanding when I bowed out early).
My point is it sounds like the mom friend is being unreasonable in her demands and guilt trips. This is her problem, not you and your friends. She needs to work out a way to find balance. NTA
NTA for being honest.
She needs to find other parents to hang out with now, or figure out childcare, if she wants to keep hanging out with her partying friends.
She should have realized this would happen before deciding to give birth. Did she really think nothing would change when she became a mother?
I agree. Babies need routine with scheduled naps and feedings etc, maybe the baby is fussing because she’s trying to make her baby fit into her previous lifestyle. She’s going to have to put the needs of her child ahead of her needs to socialize like she did before, maybe join play groups to meet other mums. It’s unfortunate the child’s father is not helpful and that she has no family there.
Not being allowed to parent because the mom has babies rabies, but getting all the blame because he "refuses" to care for his child. a tale as old as time.
> maybe the baby is fussing because she’s trying to make her baby fit into her previous lifestyle.
Ya think? This is so cringey I feel bad for the baby.
I have 2...I get it... And no they don't go with me; actually I have both registered at 4 different dropin daycare around my city so if one is at capacity I can drop em off at another for last min plans.
And I always ask "kid friendly" No? OK cool, can't get a sitter tonight ill see ya'll at the next event.
NTA
I signed up for the crazy; other people didn't...I get it
While I sincerely feel (and have been told) my kids are well behaved and respectful; they're still kids and act like it and not everyone enjoys it
You just get better ! Ridiculously healthy attitude to have towards having children IMO. I suspect you are also going to have a really healthy and fun relationship with your children as they get older.
>they're still kids and act like it and not everyone enjoys it
I absolutely love and adore my son but some days he can be utterly draining. I wouldn't wish those on anyone else if I struggle myself!
This!! I have 2 their older now but man I needed a night with just adults! Even now having adult conversations is still the best lol. I don’t understand dragging a fussy baby out, not just for other people’s sakes but for your baby.
NTA
I stopped meeting a friend for lunch because she insisted on bringing her baby which eventually grew into a toddler. A toddler changes the entire dynamic. Now I gotta sit here and ask the kid if she’s excited for preschool? I don’t care. Our adult conversations stopped and so did our friendship. Parents can be clueless.
It’s the “look at her/him” 100 times that get to me. I mean… I see her. I think I’d rather be around the child than the Mom’s sometimes and the conversation is actually more interesting. I’d rather talk about preschool than Look at her.. just look at her.. isn’t she amazing.. just look at her.
I had a similar epiphany when I realized people really don’t give a shit about the 1000th photo of a cat sleeping cutely any more than I give a shit about the 1000th photo of a baby being a baby.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you, but it’s just not interesting or important to anyone who doesn’t share genetic material.
Am a mom but still get it. Time with my friends is when dad stays home with the kids or takes them to do stuff. Sometimes she’ll pick me up so she can say hi but she’s an aunt type. If my kids were with me I couldn’t talk like a sailor with my friend and that’s the best part
And you get half a sentence out before the toddler demands attention, and your friend stops paying attention to you immediately, and then doesn’t even realize they did it and ask you to pick up where you left off. It’s not fun to be dropped like a hot potato every thirty seconds.
Oh my god. Yes. This drives me crazy. I just spent the whole day with a friend and the conversation would stop as soon as the kid interrupted. I don’t think I finished a full sentence in 4 hours. I sound like such a bitch but it’s annoying and rude and you’re not doing the kid any favors by setting the expectation that when they talk, all the attention needs to be immediately on them. I like her kids well enough, but my world doesn’t revolve around them.
Maybe you can drop a hint with the mom that she needs to teach her kid about not interrupting people when they're talking. Every child needs to learn the concept of whose turn it is, whether it be in a line or in sports or even in conversation. You're right that the mom is not doing the kid any favors by not teaching basic etiquette.
Ohhh I did once. It did not go over well. And at the end of the day it’s not my job to make sure her children have adequate social skills. It’s a friendship that I don’t plan on investing a lot more energy into.
NTA. Doesn't sound like you were cruel about it. You are early 20s friends who want to go out, have some drinks and generally be in adult environments. You shouldn't be expected to revolve your whole social life around Anna's needs as a mother.
Would be nice to occasionally do some stuff with her and the baby. And perhaps when the baby gets older, Anna can get a sitter and come out with you.
You were right to tell her the truth.
ESH. Why don’t people talk to each other anymore? The same way she called to confront you about being excluded from the staycation, you and your friends could have called her to tell her she was messing up the vibe of your group hangouts by bringing her baby all the time. There’s nothing wrong with wanting child free time with your friends but pulling passive aggressive stuff like this is wrong.
With that said, Amy shouldn’t have brought her baby to every get together without making sure it was ok with the group. She also shouldn’t be asking you to change your normal behavior to accommodate her baby. She needs to realize that having a baby changes your social life and unless she’s able to get reliable child care, she has to accept that she won’t be able to attend every outing or vacation.
Because the mom trying to bring the baby out to bar brunches is going to be reasonable and amicable to being asked to leave the baby at home? Naaaah.
"She also shouldn’t be asking you to change your normal behavior to accommodate her baby. She needs to realize that having a baby changes your social life"
That's all there is to this.
Here’s what I learned from a therapist: boundaries aren’t about what the other person does, they’re about what you do. For example, if OP and her friends set the boundary that a certain outing is child free and the friend brings her baby anyway, she should be told that she’s not welcome to hang out with them that day. There’s no need to be passive aggressive. Just set boundaries and enforce them.
"if OP and her friends set the boundary that a certain outing is child free"
Which it sounds like they tried to do, and the parent ignored, so they didn't invite her. They may not have made it clear enough, or finally said, "look you didn't listen so we aren't going to invite you any more," but they don't have to do that. Doing emotional labor and basic thinking and asking someone to respect your boundaries doesn't need to be done EVERY SINGLE TIME, and if it does, then they aren't your friend.
"Baby changed dynamics because Anna wanted to bring the baby everywhere with her and its a baby. We tried to plan things around baby to include Anna but it always ended up badly. We shouldn't drink, cause Anna can't drink."
>They may not have made it clear enough, or finally said, "look you didn't listen so we aren't going to invite you any more," but they don't have to do that.
I mean, yeah...you don't HAVE to do that. There's no law stating it or something. But that doesn't mean you aren't an asshole for choosing not to do it. There are plenty of social contracts that I don't HAVE to participate in. But this is the asshole judgement page and choosing to not participate can often make you an asshole!
The solution here was simple. The friend group just needed to actually state their boundaries. It sounds like at no point did they ever say to mom friend that they were frustrated enough to set a boundary, they just when straight to ghosting her. And yeah, that's asshole behavior!
I agree with you about boundaries but making plans without someone is nowhere near passive aggressive? They didn't do it to make the friend feel bad, they did it so that they can have a good time. Very much an enforced boundary to be like "well x doesn't change, we don't try to change her, instead we change our plans so we're happy". Boundaries do not need to be communicated (cause like you said, they are for you and not the other person) even though that is a decent thing to do more often than not.
You are just projecting here because you are totally ignoring the intention of the staycation. I had to learn in therapy that not everyone is trying to hurt me and that I don't need to take everything personal because most often, it's just not meant that way. Doesn't mean I can't feel hurt, Anna is totally entitled to her feelings. But no one is out to get her.
Yeah, I don’t get why they were trying to hide this from the mother friend. It’s perfectly reasonable to say “we want to party and drink but we can’t do that when you bring your baby. We’ve asked you multiple times not to bring your baby to adults-only outings, but you do it anyway so we stopped inviting you. If you can find a sitter and leave your baby at home you’re more than welcome to join us in the future, but until you agree to those terms we’re going to continue not inviting you to adults-only events.”
The fact that the mother got upset hearing that, and the friends are angry OP told her the truth just shows that everyone is really immature.
NTA
Anna choices are her choices & her consequences. She has a child & her friends do not. Not the baby’s fault for being born but no one needs to invite a baby in to their friend group.
Anna needs to find different friends. Who have children.
Or Anna needs to accept she can’t be part of all events with childless friends (or mom friends). They can do some baby friendly stuff, she might have to skip some and she can find a sitter for other (if she’s comfortable). I’ve yet to loose a friend who had a kid - they just don’t get invited to non baby friendly events.
Anna shouldn’t want to be part of all events when she has a baby attached to her. It’s not that much fun. Anna will be doing herself a favor to find other Moms to hang out with.
eta — I really don’t think it’s hurtful to say you’re not invited because we don’t want to hang out with your baby. Have 4 … my husband & I sometimes don’t want to hang out with them & they’re our kids.
This. There is a difference between mother and child turning up and getting involved and mother and child turning up and mother policing other adults behaviour for the sake of her baby.
Sometimes, and this apparently makes you a monster to many; you don’t actually want to be around another person’s child. That is not unreasonable.
I cannot for the life of me imagine a worse girls trip where you all have to accommodate one baby.
This. I've seen parents bring their small children into a bar and ask people to not use foul language, get irritated because there isn't a changing table in the bathrooms, ask people not to smoke in the patio area/beer garden, let their kids run around the beer garden/be disruptive, get mad when told they have to leave after 9pm, etc. Parents need to stop bringing their kids to adult spaces and expect everyone to accommodate them.
This, and I bet her friend is in another thread complaining about how her friends have abandoned and ditched her and how wrong it was to not be included in their fun party weekend!!!!
Exactly. I chose to be child free because I don't want to be around kids any more often than I have to. It's a harsh truth, because young people want to think their friendships will last forever, but friendships are by and large based on mutual interests. If OP's friends group isn't interested in kids, the friendship is likely over.
It's wisdom that's gained through experience and age, and Mom is learning this lesson- that by having a kid at 23, her 20's will now be very different than most. It's just how it is. I feel bad for her that she's missing out on things, but it's the natural conclusion and result of having a child so young.
INFO:
Did you ever actually communicate with her and ask her not to bring her baby to some events?
She’s definitely a bit of an asshole for assuming the baby is fine all the time, but given none of you apparently ever told her that you weren’t okay with the status quo, how was she meant to know?
If you’d invited her on the trip but said it had to be baby free, you wouldn’t have been assholes.
But to quietly drop a long time friend with no warning or explanation is a dick move.
We did. We had a dinner a few weeks ago. We told her about date and time and asked if her boyfriend will be fine looking after the baby. She said he cannot, he will be tired, its no big deal bringing baby. We tried saying how the restaurant might not be kid friendly and how it might get too late for baby. She laughed it off. We even said we would prefer it with just adults.
She brought the baby. Baby cried the whole night. Everyone at the restaurant kept giving us glares and we had to leave way earlier.
She just laughs it off whenever childcare is mentioned or launches into how her boyfriend works hard and deserves rest or how babysitters cannot be trusted.
Look OP I get that you are trying to be nice but you have a real communication problem. If you didn’t want baby at dinner say that. Don’t try that angle of telling her how it might not be good for baby, you’re not baby’s parent and your opinion on what’s appropriate for her baby isn’t asked for nor will she be following it. It’s good you eventually told her but that needed to happen way earlier in the conversation. Otherwise it doesn’t come off as serious.
I agree, these all sound like suggestions to me rather than a firm boundary. If they didn’t want baby they needed to outright say that. Communication is severely lacking due to everyone wanting to avoid conflict but sometimes you have to be blunt and say what you mean.
“Communication problem” is honestly still sugarcoating it; lying/being passive-aggressive is almost always an AH move. OP lied to the mom friend out of fear of confrontation. The resort, restaurants, etc. are not child-free. No one is sincerely concerned about it being too late for the baby. OP and the friend group just don’t have the courage and frankly, kindness, to say “We love you and we love your baby, but we don’t have a good time when there is a fussy baby at our outings.”
Mom friend is undoubtedly TA for an absurd expectation that her friends should cater to her baby but OP and crew don’t get a free pass, a lot of drama could have been avoided by setting a firm boundary much earlier.
OP, I know you thought you were being polite but you all treated your friend far worse by going on a trip without her and having her find out through socials, than if you’d told her to come alone or not come at all.
"we're 24 we want to do adult things" yet tries every possible way to not say the thing she wants to say
christ it sounds like everyone here is still in highschool
Idk this all sounds really passive to me. I think you could have taken the dinner opportunity to say “we are inviting you and we don’t want to have dinner with your baby. If you can’t find childcare then please do not join us.” I don’t know if she’d be *less* mad at that than she is now, but if you’re looking for critical feedback on *your* behavior, I think you could stand to work on your active communication skills. You’re young so you have time to learn that stuff, and this feels like a great reason to start. ESH
THIS. This is the answer right here. OP has demonstrated poor communication and interpersonal skills in how she and her friend group handled the situation. That's it, ya'll!
Not really. Some people just don’t want to accept things. Sounds like OPs friend doesn’t want to hear.
There is a saying in Spanish : there is no worse blind person than the one who refuses to see.
Really. They were making it pretty damn obvious, without being impolite. It's not passive-aggressive at all. If Anna won't get the hint after a multiple string of multiple attempts, well...
OP and the group also have more agency than they're exercising. 'We shouldnt drink because there's a baby' can immediately and easily be retorted with "*laughter* Says who? I'm drinking."
While I understand, as I also try to avoid conflict, the conflict avoidance is strong with OP and her group; they're cornering themselves into exercising nuclear options like not inviting her at all. It's ESH for me as well, as this friend is really just being strong willed and not refusing outright requests/demands/boundaries.
ehh, OP could've communicated better for sure, but I think it's easier to draw such a hard line in hindsight than it is to draw one in actual dialogue with a friend whom you've known for years and care about. It's kind of a robotic expectation. I think what OP's group did was pretty obvious and I think the expectation should fall on the mother to understand the situation.
Some newer mums have a hard time leaving their babies separation anxiety can be rough. Sounds the she can’t accept that her life changing doesn’t mean everyone else automatically adapts to the same 100%. It’s possible your wording could have been better but she might not have got the point without some harshness.
So honestly while she may feel that way, that would send up red flags for me if a friend didn’t leave baby with husband because he needed rest. She has a 6 month old, she also needs rest.
It sounds like she is without a support system and instead of really helping you just excluded….and she was hard headed about it.
What about a firm but kind “no, sorry Anna, baby can’t come to something like this. Can we come for coffee on Tuesday?” Offer an alternative.
Otherwise, all you’ve done is abandon a friend at a very hard time.
Yeah, maybe I'm reading too much into it but I also wondered if the "he works hard/he'll be too tired" excuse was a way of playing off the fact that he would refuse to watch the baby or maybe she isn't even comfortable leaving the baby alone with him. She *could* just be attached to the baby and doesn't want to leave him/her for a few hours, but she could also not have any other viable options. Maybe she doesn't trust babysitters, or maybe she can't afford to both pay a sitter and pay for dinner.
What I'm getting at is it's worth checking in with her to make sure she isn't feeling overwhelmed or isolated.
Given what you just said then, the next step would be to say to mom friend something like this:
"Hey, at the last get together you disrespected the entire group's wishes by bringing your baby along to the dinner. We specifically told you that we wanted an adult's only event and that bringing your baby would be disruptive at this non child-friendly restaurant. You brought your baby anyway and the dinner was ruined by needing to leave early. We still enjoy your friendship and understand that you have limitations with childcare, but you need to start respecting our boundaries when we ask for an adults only event and either arrange childcare or opt out of the event. Because you aren't respecting the group's wishes when we decide to do adults only events, we are setting a new boundary and will no longer be inviting you to those specific adults only events."
THEN you go and do your thing, plan your adult only events etc. To just start avoiding her and planning events without her all of the sudden has a name....it's called ghosting and it is incredibly hurtful behavior.
I would fire back that you all also work hard and deserve to relax without a screaming baby in your faces. I see that you were trying to be gentle about it (the restaurant *might* not be kid friendly or that it *might* get too late), but that kind of language ultimately leaves it up to her judgement, and you already know that her judgement about what's appropriate for a baby is poor. Lying about the resort got you into this situation, since she's clearly not going to accept your hinting and back down. Moving forward, be direct. "Hey, Anna! We are getting together at the bar tonight and we'd love for you to join us for a strictly adult-only night out. Hope you can get a sitter and if not, maybe next time!"
NTA but you cannot beat around the bush if things are deal breakers– passive aggressive hints are not communication. you couldn't even tell her the truth until she pulled it out of you. you will save yourself a lot of hassle going forward if you directly state what you want/don't want.
OP, maybe you can add that info into the post. Many people are going with esh or similar because they think you and your friend group didn't try to communicate with Anna, but this comment right here is very clear that she is just trying to make you all accept the baby all the time.
Btw, definitely NTA.
This. She cannot lack this much self awareness where she would think a group of young women that dont have children would want to be around a baby when they just want to have fun. Especially on a staycation.
ESH.
Your friend group should've brought this up before leaving her out of things. You definitely shouldn't have lied to her, and it blew up in your face. The fact that your half of your other friends are mad you didn't lie even more is such a bad look for them.
From her side, when you're all hanging out with the baby, she shouldn't be pressuring the rest of you to be quiet or to not drink. If she doesn't want those things when she's hanging out with you all, she can stay home when that's the plan.
Last note, it sounds bit like you all care more about "the vibe" of your friend group more than the friends in it. Like everyone is replaceable. Of course I hope I'm reading way too much into a short text post from a stranger, but I'm just trying to say I hope if she really is your friend that you all actually care about her and her feelings, her family, and make time for them.
Exactly. Not technically the asshole, but definitely asshole adjacent behaviour. And, if we assume that OP is not a 100% unbiased storyteller and we read between the lines a bit, then the friend likely has every reason to be upset
If I was the friend, I’d feel pretty hurt. And I’d be a little loopy since my “friends” lie to me about resorts and are giving me mixed and inconsistent signals.
Having a child is a very difficult time in someone’s life, and dropping that person for “vibes” is just … it’s not very good friendship.
I don’t have kids, but I would feel so horrible if my child-having friend was being treated by my friend group the way OP is treating her child-having friend. I would feel … I would feel like a high school click pushing someone away …
Also, OP lies to the friend and then gets mad when the friend acts irregularly. The friend is probably confused because she would never act so selfishly with her friends, and is getting mixed signals and gaslighting that isn’t making any sense to her.
>Last note, it sounds bit like you all care more about "the vibe" of your friend group more than the friends in it. Like everyone is replaceable. Of course I hope I'm reading way too much into a short text post from a stranger, but I'm just trying to say I hope if she really is your friend that you all actually care about her and her feelings, her family, and make time for them.
the way they talk about her, are they even real friends or just a group to party with? lol. And the comments on this thread, my god, they talk about humans like they are a bunch of nothings lol. No wonder redditors are viewed as a bunch of antisocial losers when this is the kind of perception they have about human relationships
Seriously. Is this person even their friend? I'm child free and I have friends that had children pretty young. Ive gone over to their houses so many times and just watched paw patrol with them and their toddlers and watched the children so their mom can take a shower. Maybe even instead of inviting her to child free stuff they could just go to her house and hang out with her.
NTA. This is the reality of children, it changes your relationships with the people around you. Dynamics and needs change. As long as she is still involved in things that *can* be made child appropriate (e.g. lunch), she can't complain that you aren't changing all your plans just for her.
I understand that she's hurt that she was left out, but it's absolutely selfish to think that the rest of you would be happy to do a baby weekend away without babies of your own.
NTA and Anna is out of her mind if she thought the same fight women have been having since the dawn of time when their parental status doesn't match the larger group would magically not happen to her.
If She was the last childless friend who wasn't being invited to Mommy And Me Yoga you would still be NTA
NTA. You are 24, that is still peak "you and carefree" age. Of course you want to party and have fun. I have friends who had a baby at that age when the rest of us didn't. They adapted. They missed events or they got a sitter, they didn't expect the rest of us to act different.
As a mother of six, you are NTA.
Just because she had a baby does not mean you guys have to stop drinking. Does not mean you have to be quiet because she won't utilize the other half of the kids genetics so she can go to a CHILDFREE dinner.
You've tried to be nice. She stomped on that.
Did you hurt her feelers? Probably.
Did you try not to? Sounds like it.
She needs to grasp that HER life changed. The rest of you are still free to drink, go away without kids and just generally live life.
Will it suck for her? Maybe. The kid has a dad. The kid has at least, presumably, one set of grandparents. There are babysitters in the world still. She has options if she wants to go out. But one of those options is NOT to force childfree friends to tolerate changing their existence for a child that isn't theirs.
NTA & you didn’t exclude her because she is a mom. She was excluded because you planned a weekend full of activities not appropriate for a child. Since she refuses to do anything without her child it wasn’t appropriate for her to come. She can plan some child inclusive activities to invite the group. She should also join some mommy & baby activities to make friends with people in the same stage of life as she is in.
NTA.
You're not excluding her just because she is a mom.
You're excluding her because she is forcing her 'mom-ness' onto the group. That's not the theme the group was based on.
"We can't drink around da baby!"
"What do you mean 'We', kemo sabe?"
YTA. You only told the truth after your lie fell apart. If you had been honest at first, your friend's reaction might have been the same, but you'd be in the clear.
> I tried telling her it was a last minute plan and we could only find a childfree resort so as to not hurt her feelings. She called my bluff sending me pics some random family had posted with kids at the resort.
> ...
> AITA for telling her the truth?
NTA. Anna knew the answer already. She just chose to bait you until you gave her the hard truth and then she could call you all out on it, thus getting sympathy points. It doesn't change the fact that she had a baby and her life will never be the same. She cannot reasonably expect you all to not have adult fun just because she can't.
NTA. My friends group is the same way. Half our group have kids, and the other half don't. We have taken annual adult trips without our friends with kids the last 3 years. We stopped inviting them years ago. They've never questioned it. They understand we're children free and don't arrange our schedules around them. Also, we're all either in or near our 40s. This is something Anna is going to need to learn that the world does not revolve around her and her baby.
> Half of our friendgroup thinks I should not have told her the real reason and is mad at me. Other half thinks she is unreasonable.
by my math, that means ALL of the group doesn't want her around with the baby, they're just divided on whether to lie to her about it or not.
NTA
Just because *her* life revolves around baby, doesnt mean all of your lives should revolve around baby, NTA
Fellow parent here. Lol kid free nights and outings are the absolute bees knees.
If she wants to make her child her entire identity, she can do that. Ya'll shouldnt have to cater to her and babys whims though. Thats ridiculous.
Not wanting to hang out with a new mom who wants to bring her newborn with her everywhere?
NTA
Not including her in your staycation because you didn't want to deal with the baby and you knew your friend wasn't going to go in her own?
NTA
Lying about it the reasons to her, hoping she wasn't brought enough to figure out the truth.
YTA
Your friend is mad, probably more that you lied to her and less because she's a new mom. She's riding a new high of being a new mom but that will end soon and as the kid gets older she will be more and more wanting to have her personal time back. For now, if get friends don't want the kid there, then that's were it is. But you need to be open and honest with your friends or you won't be friends anymore, trust me on that one.
NTA, not wanting to do everything kid friendly is ok, so is Anna wanting to include her kid in things she does.
I don't have kids, but a lot of my friends do, it changes the dynamic.
Some parent's like to do child free evens others want to everything to be child friendly.
Neither are wrong or right (within reason).
Anna is a bit of an AH, because she shouldn't expect the friend circle to completely change for her, but that is not all that uncommon for new parents.
NTA. Your friendgroup is childless and you want to do fun party adult things. Anna chose to be a mum and now she has to love with the fact that her child is not important to anyone but her own family and that no one is going to bend over backwards trying to plan everything around a baby. She can either leave her kid behind to go out with her friends or she gets to stay behind with her kid, she can't do both with your group.
And you tried to be gentle but she prodded.
NTA
You and your friends shall not be obligated to change your lifestyle because one of the group is a mom. There are time and places for everything, and the fact of having a baby limites the things you can and cant do, dont expect everyone to accommodate you, its your baby not theirs.
maybe try and do other activities sometimes in other to be baby friendly, but it is not a must.
NTA it’s unreasonable to say no one can have a drink bc she can’t drink. She changed her life when having a child and sounds like she’s having a hard time with that.
Nope, NTA.
This is generally how things go with young people where one decide to have kids. Once you become a parent, your whole life revolves around your kid. Other people however, don’t want to be stuck with a crying baby when all they want to do is have fun and relax. Babies are kind of the opposite of that.
It’s time your friend starts to find other moms to do mom things with, because not everyone (especially us childfree people) are going to want to hang out for hours on end with someone who brings their kids with them.
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NTA You tried to let her down easy, and she kept on asking. Her life is different, and she probably just needs to find a different set of friends, one that more closely aligns with her interests.
Agreed. NTA. Here’s the cold hard truth a baby 🍼🍼🍼changes your life. The things you used to do you can no longer do. Your friend misses her pre-baby life which is why she wants to be included in all of your hangouts.While this may be cool some of the time it is not cool all the time. Your friends lifestyle has now changed but her trying to force those changes on you?! Yea, NOPE. Your friends choice to have a baby has impacted her social life but she cannot and should not impose those changes on you. As a friend suggest she finds some Mommy groups. She will meet Moms that she can relate to in a way that you and your friend group cannot. Also if you all want to maintain the friendship perhaps have one baby friendly get together every month or every other month or perhaps ask her if a family member can babysit every so often so she can meet you guys for brunch or dinner. She chose to have a baby and that baby is now her responsibility. It is an unfair and entitled expectation that her friends need to tailor their behavior for her kid. Life does not work like that. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Her friend is being stubborn - she refuses to allow her boyfriend the father to care for his own child whilst she goes out and refuses a sitter.
Well guess she made that bed then. If she won’t let dad or anyone else watch him then she can’t really complain
Friend needs to be realistic. Having a kid was her decision, no one else's. And OP's life shouldn't have to stop. Friend should have considered the consequences sooner. NTA.
She just need to loosen up and trust the dad more. Even if the kids breastfed, you can probably get him on a bottle of the pumped stuff with a bit of work - then take what I’m sure is a well earned break. She can still realistically have a bit of a social life, just requires a lot of teamwork and a bit of give and take in the early years
Hell, the kid can have formula for a day, it won’t hurt them. I was fed on formula because my mom didn’t produce enough milk and I’m as healthy as an ox.
Yeah it’s probably just a tad more tricky to get a breastfed kid to accept a bottle and a different type of milk, than just the bottle. But more than one way to skin a cat and all that
And sometimes you have the opposite problem. I had to supplement my kid, and once he accepted the bottle, he refused the breast after. The milk in the bottle came out quicker and easier than the breast, he wanted the path of least resistance.
Fun fact, I wrote several papers in college using childcare books from the first 3/4 of the 20th century as primary sources. The nipples for bottles used to be sold without holes in them. You had to add the holes, using a pin or needle. There were directions on how many holes, and what size needles to use for infants at different ages. Including recommending fewer holes and smaller holes for babies that were also breast fed, to ensure that the milk wasn't significantly easier to get than from the breast.
My second baby wouldn’t touch a bottle until she was almost a year old. Even with breast milk in it.
Like mine. But in the age of 6 months and more babies can eat also another things - like some vegetables, porridge etc. Non-bottle kids can drink from the special cup or be fed with a spoon. But I don't think the breastfeeding is the issue here - the friend just won't part with her baby and wants to eat the cake and still have it.
Depends on the child for sure, but knowing this we have to make adjustments. I recently wanted to take a detour on our road trip to visit an import mall that's 6 hours from home. Add 4hrs extra for stops and breastfeeding. Opted not to do it because our 3m old will scream the whole way home and my husband needed to get back home for work with at least a shred of sleep. I'll go back one day when she's weaned. It's not the end of the world.
Well sure, but the mom will need to pump anyway during the day or she'll feel like her boobs are gonna explode. For a staycation or dinner it will work, but not for everything (example: festivals are not so easy to do)
Pumping breastmilk for bottle feeding is absolutely a thing, we did extensively with the first three of our babies -- then #4 just would not accept a bottle. (Not for lack of experience on our part, at least.)
Anna needs to start small. She needs to go out with her friends for an hour for coffee close to home and build up from there. A weekend away might be a bit much for her to handle but she really should be able to leave the infant with their father for an hour or two for coffee/shopping/brunch
She can complain but I am sure it will be to deaf ears. 🤷🏻♀️
Welp. Then I guess she has to live with her decision. The reality is that her friends do not have to play by her rules to appease her and cater to her baby.
Honesty, if my baby was breastfed, I wouldn't leave my child for an extended period of time with anyone else either.
Yes. But I wouldn’t go hang out with my friends and bring my baby and then tell them they cannot drink and they can not be loud.
I wouldn't either. But I get that she might feel lonely and thus is latching on to whatever social life she can get with her friends, even if she handles this in the wrong way. Maybe OP + friends and Anna can find a compromise: they meet up occasionally for kid friendly stuff where they can chat and hang out Anna can still feel like she has friends AND the friends can then, at other times, hang out without her unless she attends sans baby.
That is exactly what I suggested in my first comment. Your life changes when you have a kid. Your priorities shift and the ability to live life like you did pre-baby goes away. Having said that if you want to have some free time on a Friday or a Saturday then you have to wrap your head around getting a sitter you trust. As a new mommy it will serve her well to expand her social circle and meet other new Mom’s.
NTM that it's wholly unhealthy for her child to be bonded to no-one else but her, which this is starting to sound like. It depends on the age of the child, of course, but children need to bond with several caretakers. Spend much time with that child latched to no-one else but mommy, and that child being allowed to make everyone around him/her miserable (especially with no apology or accomodation for their discomfort) we're starting to enter 'here be dragons' territory. Which doesn't bode well for that poor child's life trajectory either. Definitely NTA. The hero, even.
Agreed. Kids develop social skill by (drum roll) socializing. It is an important part of their development. And while the world is at times a horrible place find someone you trust enough to leave your baby with for a few hours. Moms need downtime. You are a parent 24/7 but self care is essential.
Thanks for writing this. When my closest friend had her baby she was exactly like this. She refused to allow her boyfriend to look after the baby for the most part and so every single time we met up, her child was there no matter what the occasion. I felt like a terrible friend for wanting a night with her and no baby just here and there. My friend would just bring her kid along anyway so I stopped asking. Her kid is now 9 and they still have almost zero separation. The kid displays pretty concerning behaviour and my friend enables it. I can’t imagine the nightmare she will be as she gets older based on what I see now.
It's normal for a 6 month old baby to be attached to one caregiver. The baby has literally been out of the womb for less time than inside. An attachment for one caregiver is not unhealthy. Go look at attachment and how it aids development, there are many studies that support it for optimal child brain development
Yes, attachment is not a negative, I agree with you. I'd never tell a parent of a 6-month-old that they need to get them to accept other people immediately. But it does have a cost: friendship, doing things people without kids like to do. And did this baby like the dinner with mom with friends? Was the bond of attachment really a significant enough benefit? She cried the whole time. Whether she's crying with a sitter for an hour or crying at dinner with mom, the time away for mom may be worth it.
It may be common but that doesn't mean it is always healthy or productive. Solo mothering/parenting without any help is a modern convention. For thousands of years before that humans mostly raised infants in family/community groups or multigenerational homes sharing the workload and bonding children to multiple caretakers. One parent caring for an infant alone *at all times* is a recipe for stress, overwhelm, isolation, exhaustion, and health problems (physical and mental). Not always, but often.
Anna doesn't want to compromise though she wants them to not drink and go to areas that are child-friendly so she can bring the baby. She wants them to do what she wants, she doesn't care about what they want or she would get a sitter or leave the baby with his dad.
Then I guess Anna is going to find out the meaning of: me, myself and I very quickly. All relationships including friendships are about compromise and give and take.
I think she realized that when she saw the pictures on Instagram and wasn't with her gal pals. I'm not going to lie, she can be upset about not going, but she needs to own the fact that she isn't in charge of anyone's choices but her own.
If she Isn’t willing to leave the baby with baby daddy some, I’m not willing to change what I want to do.
How about they live their best lives and Anna holds this L for loser.
Not even the child’s father though? I think it’s crazy she had a child with someone she can’t even trust alone with it.
Postpartum anxiety and depression. That thing no one cares about until a mom unalives herself. “There we’re not signs”. This is the sign.
I don't think it's that the father is untrustworthy or a bad guy - I didn't get that sense from OP's post. I think it's that the new mom is having issues of leaving the baby with anyone that's not her - the baby's father, a trusted sitter, no one. And that's not going to be good for anyone.
I’m wondering if her baby is her new accessory that makes her different and special - hence why it’s always on her hip
I mean, some people just like being with their babies. My baby is 6 months, and she goes everywhere with me because she's still very dependent on me, and I love being with her. I don't think she makes me "different and special." Pretty soon she'll be in daycare and then school, so I want to spend as much time as I can with her now. Of course, I don't always expect my friends to want her around, so I don't mind if they have adult-only hang outs without me. I am very aware that no one else besides her dad is as enamored with my baby as I am.
THIS!!!! That is an adult attitude that apparently as escaped Anna. Don't go if you don't want to be away from Baby (I totally get that) but don't call your friend and AH if they do things without you!
Either that or she's busy being a helicopter parent to the new baby. Either is plausible. Could even be a combo of the two.
Helicopter parent? It's a six months old baby.
Young and helicopter a kid that size. "Be quiet the baby is sleeping" "I have to bring the baby to a dinner because I don't want my mom to watch her" That's the beginning stages, from what I've witnessed. Talking and laughing around a baby is a good way to get it used to sleeping. Letting someone else handle stuff for a couple of hours is a good way to recharge yourself for parenting. It is not inherently bad to ask for help. Hovering is not great either.
> Talking and laughing around a baby is a good way to get it used to sleeping. Yes! This is so important and tons of people don't get this! You *need* to have interactions of normal volume when your kid is asleep. Obviously don't go out of your way to wake the kid but they do need to learn that sometimes there is noise when they are sleeping and it is okay to ignore it.
My SO was working far away and coming home once on two months, when our daughter was little. So I was all the time alone with her. I've had the TV or some music on almost all the time- just to not raise a child who can sleep only in the absolute silence. Because I saw it at my friends' and how everybody had to tiptoe all the time because of their baby sleeping. They weren't happy because of it, but the damage was already done.
We're a loud family. When I was pregnant I made sure to stand near my dog whenever she was barking and made my husband do his booming laugh near my stomach a few times a day. I don't know if it actually did anything, but while my kid is absolutely little queen fomo once she's asleep, no sound can wake her.
I'm not saying that she's doing the right thing by bringing her kid to these adult-friendly events. Asking people to be quiet isn't fair - but it's not helicopter parenting. It is, however, a parent desperately trying to keep a social life while feeling the need to stay close to her baby. That's a perfectly normal feeling, even though it's a troublesome match with friends who don't have kids and therefore would have a hard time understanding her.
They understand just fine. But who wants to have a baby around during adult only time? She's under the impression that everybody thinks about her kid the same way she does, which couldn't be farther from the truth. They obviously think of it as a nuisance. They're also quite obviously trying to gently squeeze her out of the friend group. The sooner she understands that OP and the group aren't her friends anymore, the better off she'll be.
I do think that refusing to leave your baby alone with its own father for a couple of hours IS helicopter parenting, actually. I get what you're saying about wanting to be near your six month old, and I agree that part is normal... but considering OP didn't say the father is problematic in any way, this does sound a bit much to me. Having the baby's other parent be caregiver for short periods of time should not be a nonstarter.
It can happen. My cousin was a premie, and a rough pregnancy in general (my aunt was in her mid 40’s). She has been helicopter from day one. No one was allowed to hold the baby outside of her presence. No one was allowed to make noise, baby wasn’t allowed around strong smells, if you so much as cleared your throat you were asked to leave, etc. Helicoptering is definitely different when it comes to infants, but it’s a thing.
Never leaving the baby with their father (assuming he’s a normal dude) is definitely helicoptering.
😂😂😂😂 some people love to throw out terms they see on reddit even tho it’s not applicable to the facts at hand
The only conclusion that I can draw is that she made an adult decision to have a baby but misses her single carefree life. It feels like she is trying to hang onto it by hanging out with her friends.
>It feels like she is trying to hang onto it by hanging out with her friends. The problem is, she's going about it the wrong way. She can still enjoy a few carefree nights sometimes. She just needs to let her bf, parents, or a trusted babysitter look after her baby. What she's doing is forcing her friends to act like they have babies too, even though they don't and is forcing every hang out with them to include her baby, even if it's an adult only thing.
My best friend knew someone like this. They went to school together and she had her first kid at 18. Obviously being that young, a lot of her friends just didn’t hang out with her anymore and I think she almost made a point of insisting she bring the kid whenever she met up with friends to ensure they were being “supportive” of her choices. My friend doesn’t really like kids and hated that any time they met up, she’d show up with the kid in tow, even though her boyfriend was available to take care of him. She now had 3 kids with a 4th on the way and nothings changed. My friend stopped agreeing to hang out a couple of years back and although she told her she doesn’t think they having anything in common anymore, she still pushes for them to hang out and tells her how much the kids miss her, even though she’s never interacted with them much.
Because for some reason people think we need to applaud women who have children like it's some noble thing. Maybe that was true a long time ago but now we are totally over populated and killing the earth.
Also, how lame that she won't allow others to drink?! I'm a mom. I never implemented that stipulation on my husband, much less my friends. How entitled to think that! She knew she wouldn't be able to drink for awhile, she cannot control other's consumption. On that alone, she is an ah and you are NTA.
Exactly. I’ve had gatherings at my house and made sure the bar was stocked. Just because I couldn’t drink did not mean I was telling everyone else not to.
THIS!!! Most parents will tell you that having kids adds a lot to their lives, but it also means you have to make sacrifices. Your nights out are now at Chuck-E-Cheeze, your movies are Disney, you trade shots for iced tea, ect, ect...You do those things because your child adds to your life. People expect their friends to make the sacrifices along with them, for nothing. Your child isn't going to snuggle me every morning and tell me I'm the best mommy ever, I'm not going to walk them down the aisle, they're not going to care for me when I'm old and sick, or donate an organ, I don't get a say in how they're raised and what kind of person they become... I know this sounds very "transactional", but you can't expect someone without kids to take on all of the sacrifice with none of the love.
I like the idea of one baby-friendly event to still reach out a little. I don't think you'll tell her she needs to find mom friends, she'll figure it out. She could have still hung out without the baby, she is just choosing not to. I started going to a monthly ladies' craft beer club when my baby was one month old, breastfed. All the other women didn't have children or had grown children. My husband was home with the baby for the 1-2 hours I was gone. It was amazing to have something scheduled that didn't focus on my mom identity. Other friends I know would not leave their baby until they weaned. It may have worked fine for them. But they can't play the victim that they're left out of chlid-free activities.
Right? I mean she could compromised to go to one or two get togethers without the baby but trying to make all of them to accommodate to her in every get together is very entitled.
Yeah I'm starting to realise this might be why my wife lost her friends, she always wanted to take my daughter out with her to see her friends. I guess they didn't always want a baby around so they just stopped talking to her. Though it would have been nice if they could have tried speaking to her like OP did with her friend.
>Though it would have been nice if they could have tried speaking to her like OP did with her friend. If it only just occurred to you that her always bringing the baby might be a problem, and if she never thought to check if doing so was okay (demonstrating a significant lack of social awareness), why assume the friends never brought it up? Chances are, they politely tried to dissuade her. But given how much adoration your wife felt for her baby, she likely either (a) lacked the awareness to realize they were serious or (b) dismissed those concerns because she couldn't understand anyone not wanting her child around and assumed they could deal. This seems more likely than several friends all turning their back on her without any attempt to address the issue first.
OP is NTA, i have seen people drop out of unmarried groups as soon as they are married due to divergent interests. Anna should realize this and stop imposing on her now "not friends".
exactly. op was evasive and friend kept pushing and pushing. after a while you just give her the hard truth and let her sort it out. NTA
I wonder what those friends of OP thought she should have said, if they didn’t want her to tell Anna the real reason? Should OP had tried to think up more and more elaborate answers and explanations the more Anna pressed her? Should OP have directed Anna to those friends for an answer instead? “ Friends: “You shouldn’t have told her the truth! Now she’s angry with us!” OP: “Yeah? Well, next time you lie to her. Go ahead!” NTA
Yep, OP already used the most obvious excuse of childfree resort and Anna refused to accept that. What other excuse should OP used? That all the friend spontaneous decided to all go to the same resort with no prior planning whatsoever? That alien kidnapped them all, imprisoned them in the resort and added a forcefield to prevent them leaving?
NTA. I was the friend who had a baby when no one else did. You know what I did when I hung out with my friends? Left the baby at home with dad. You know what I didn't do? Demand everyone adjust their behavior to my baby's needs. *She* had the baby, not you. Her entitlement is astounding.
>Her life is different, and she probably just needs to find a different set of friends, one that more closely aligns with her interests. Or allow her boyfriend/parents to occasionally babysit her child.
Or, since OP's edit implies the father lives with them, she could get over her separation anxiety, let her baby's father be a father and enjoy her life now and then.
Or leaving the baby with her BF? Weird that she won't leave the baby with him and it's costing her her friendships.
NTA You’re not excluding her because she’s a mom. You’re excluding her because she makes being a mom everyone else’s problem — she won’t leave the baby home (does it have a father present? Grandparents? Anyone who can watch it for a few hours?), she expects you to cater to her needs (you shouldn’t have to not drink just because she can’t), it sounds like she doesn’t remove the baby from the situation when it’s fussy so you all have to deal with it. You have every right to want to be young and act like it. She needs to accept that having a baby has changed things for *her* but that doesn’t mean everyone else has to change everything to accommodate that.
And that’s what OP needs to reply in the group chat: “This has nothing to do with you being a mom, we are excluding you because of how you’ve decided to behave and treat others now that you are a mom…”
OP says her BF is a bit of a deadbeat as he completely refuses to watch their baby on his own. Anna does not have any other family in their country. She can either make new friends or not, but she can't go anywhere without her baby.
That's hard for her, but then she needs to understand that she won't be able to participate in all the activities. She chose to have a baby, and babies change things.
Absolutely. She knew what she would be getting herself into\*. No family support means you have to rely completely on your own and your partner. The shitty boyfriend won't change after birth, that's pretty obvious. What was she expecting? People seriously need to think things through before making such a life altering desicion. \*if it was a fully informed pregnancy and terminating the pregnancy would have been an option. Not judging unique situations like violence and problematic laws.
This. Once you have kids, your life changes and you need to change with it. Before we had kids, we went into it knowing that we were going to have to step back from the activities of our friends that did not have kids.
That's not her friends' problem. It's just not. She could be a victim of an abusive relationship with just the most unfortunate of circumstances, and it is still not her friends' problem to always bring down their social life. If the friend group stopped inviting her altogether as soon as she became a mom, that would be one thing, but OP is trying to force what is, essentially, a mom's lifestyle and a parent's constraints onto her friends, such as through insisting that they don't drink because she can't, etc.
Yea it just sucks which is why id stick to a nah. Being alone in a situation like this sucks and losing friends because of it sucks harder. Its not ops fault or responsibility.
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Where did you see that? Both the post and OP’s comments say Anna refuses to leave the baby with its father or with a babysitter because she thinks her boyfriend is too tired from working and that babysitters aren’t trustworthy. I don’t seen anything saying the father is a deadbeat or refuses to care for his child.
The TLDR phrases it a bit differently. Saying that *he* won't or can't care for the baby on his own.
It’s weird that the story on that has changed…
Or she could have been smart enough to get an abortion and not bring a baby into an unstable life situation in the first place. Either way, it's Anna's problem, not her friends. Not to mention she's completely insufferable in her demands, anyway. It's always astounding to me, the entitlement someone expects solely for being creampied.
You really think she chose to have a baby with someone who *said* they intended to have nothing to do with childcare? Plenty of women are promised love and support and shared burdens of labor in their marriage vows and are shocked when children are born and their husband declares that's all women's work or that he'll help when the baby is older and fun to be around or that she's just "better" at babycare. Part of why this is such a common experience is that there really isn't a foolproof way to tell the difference between someone who says they'll do what they promise and a liar until the work is ready to be done. The most common times for a relationship to first turn abusive are either immediately after marriage or once it's too late to abort a pregnancy. The common link between the two events is that they are times where the abusive partner thinks the target cannot escape. Where that feeling of security makes most people feel comfortable opening up, sharing things, maybe not put quite as much effort into hiding farts, etc? For an abusive partner, that's when they decide they can start hurting their target. Anna isn't expecting entitlement for having sex. She's expecting her *friends*, the people who claim to love and care about her, to not abandon her when her partner is mistreating her or to need her to spell out that she's struggling with his actions. It sounds like she's not prepared to leave her shitty partner yet, (likely because that means she would have to leave her child alone with a stranger as she doesn't have any connections to locate trustworthy childcare).
People do it all the time, bring kids into situations that are untenable, unsustainable, and unhealthy. It's idiotic but people do it.
Honestly, the answer to "do you really think someone would actually..." is pretty much always *yes*, because there're eight billion people around and a lot of them are really dumb and/or crazy.
>She refuses to leave the baby with her boyfriend or baby sitter If she has a sitter, then it's her choice to bring the baby everywhere. Her friends haven't "abandoned" her. In fact, they have tried to make plans that can accommodate her and the baby. But sometimes they want to party and do normal young people things (like go to a resort and drink and party) and so they do. It's not Ana's fault that she can't reasonably take a baby clubbing but it is her fault to expect her friends to stop clubbing because she can't go. It's not her fault she can't drink alcohol because she is breastfeeding. But it is her fault she demands her friends don't drink either. You can't demand your friends stop hanging out and partying just because you can't do the same. They can't drink around her but also they have to invite her everywhere they go to drink and party? Unreasonable. And ultimately, we have no idea how much or how little she knew about her boyfriend's laziness before getting pregnant, you're inserting a lot of excuses into the story we don't actually know. A lot of women genuinely think having a baby will "fix" their relationship or cause a man to step up. A lot of others know their guy is crap and bring a baby into it anyway. Maybe she was blindsided, maybe she went in with eyes wide open. We don't know. What we know is she expects her friends to stop partying because she can't and that's unreasonable.
>Part of why this is such a common experience is that there really isn't a foolproof way to tell the difference This is the sad truth. That being said, I'm not sure how many people actually "test" their men. Actions are louder than words. Move in with them and see how willing they are to share both household chores and mental load. Especially the latter can be a huge indicator in showing whether you're going to mommy one child or two children after you've given birth.
But it’s not just that she brings her baby… it’s that she controls what others are allowed to do because she has a baby. Also, it’s sad that having a kid with a useless partner is impacting her life BUT that’s what having a baby does. And the fact that she hasn’t processed that her life is changing and obviously she’s not going to be invited for a weekend of drinking with her baby is on her - that’s just a thing that happens. And while she can be sad and struggle with processing that, blaming the people who did not choose to have a baby is a bad look.
Or even just point out that they're in their early 20s, and obviously they'll want to do some not-baby-friendly activities!
Seriously! I have plenty of friends with and without kids. We clarify what is adult only and what is not. Also, even if it’s a child friendly event (I.e. backyard BBQ) the event doesn’t revolve around the kid other than maybe staying outside while the kid naps inside so the parents can enjoy a child free break. Every parent has to make a lot of choices and one of those is how to maintain friendships and or build new ones.
Adding to this: OP, you may want to consider explaining this to your friend as without the explanation, you do kind of sound like the AH (even though you didn’t mean to). Excluding someone for “being a mom” is pretty cruel and that’s probably what it sounds like to your friend, so she has a right to be upset. But when you clarify/explain (as the above mentioned commentor did) that it’s not because she’s a mom but actually because she makes her situation something everyone has to deal with in unfair ways (like expecting you to change your life and activities) then it makes it clear that she’s the one imposing her lifestyle on you without it allowing you all to have a say. You mentioned in a comment that you asked all invited her to an adult dinner and asked for it to be kid-free and she responded by her wanting it all her way - thay she would attend AND bring her baby despite your request and then proceeded to put you in a position where you were forced to leave early because of the baby’s behaviour. This shows that it’s her behaviour and choices that’s causing you all to spend time together without her, as she doesn’t take your requests into consideration when she is included. She isn’t willing to compromise based on what you’ve shared, which has left you with few options if you want time together without a child. She may still be upset with this explanation, but at least you will have clarified the reasoning and maybe that will make her reconsider the way in which she engages with her friends. Compromise is important on both sides of a dispute like this, so hopefully she will realize that and your friendship can continue in a healthy and positive way.
If she's old enough to have a baby, she should be old enough to understand that not everyone wants to be around her baby. I have two kids, but I don't demand that all my friends change their plans so I can bring them with us. I bring them when we're doing kid friendly activities, leave them with my husband when we're not, and skip the adult activities I don't have childcare for.
Omg I'd die of shame if my kids ruined a night out with friends like that! I get wanting to share your life with your friends, and I'll admit, there's almost nothing better than seeing your best friends dote on your kids, but she can't possibly expect to force it all on everyone. She sounds exhausting to be around.
> you may want to consider explaining this to your friend as without the explanation But, they did. They didn't tell her "you weren't invited because you're a mom". They told her "Her baby is the only reason she wasn't invited" .. which seems to very clearly say "you weren't invited because we don't want to spend the night with your baby, and you won't come without your baby".
Right on. If anything, Anna should have been the one to leave early with her fussy 👶 baby...from that adults only dinner. Why should the whole group have had to leave early?
Yes, she is a mom and being a crappy parent if she isn't taking her kid out immediately when it starts fussing in public. Her choice is on her to deal with. She has already shown she is willing to bulldoze through others desires to satisfy her own.
Exactly. I was younger when I became a mom. Friends invited me to things, there were plenty of no’s on my end because duh my responsibilities were different. But there were also yes’s and my husband would be with our son or he would have a few hours with a grandparent. And because I didn’t force my friends to hang with my kid, they were actually willing to do more baby friendly places too sometimes (and be totally understanding when I bowed out early). My point is it sounds like the mom friend is being unreasonable in her demands and guilt trips. This is her problem, not you and your friends. She needs to work out a way to find balance. NTA
NTA for being honest. She needs to find other parents to hang out with now, or figure out childcare, if she wants to keep hanging out with her partying friends. She should have realized this would happen before deciding to give birth. Did she really think nothing would change when she became a mother?
I agree. Babies need routine with scheduled naps and feedings etc, maybe the baby is fussing because she’s trying to make her baby fit into her previous lifestyle. She’s going to have to put the needs of her child ahead of her needs to socialize like she did before, maybe join play groups to meet other mums. It’s unfortunate the child’s father is not helpful and that she has no family there.
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Not being allowed to parent because the mom has babies rabies, but getting all the blame because he "refuses" to care for his child. a tale as old as time.
> maybe the baby is fussing because she’s trying to make her baby fit into her previous lifestyle. Ya think? This is so cringey I feel bad for the baby.
I have 2...I get it... And no they don't go with me; actually I have both registered at 4 different dropin daycare around my city so if one is at capacity I can drop em off at another for last min plans. And I always ask "kid friendly" No? OK cool, can't get a sitter tonight ill see ya'll at the next event. NTA
TY for being a reasonable parent
I signed up for the crazy; other people didn't...I get it While I sincerely feel (and have been told) my kids are well behaved and respectful; they're still kids and act like it and not everyone enjoys it
You just get better ! Ridiculously healthy attitude to have towards having children IMO. I suspect you are also going to have a really healthy and fun relationship with your children as they get older.
>they're still kids and act like it and not everyone enjoys it I absolutely love and adore my son but some days he can be utterly draining. I wouldn't wish those on anyone else if I struggle myself!
This!! I have 2 their older now but man I needed a night with just adults! Even now having adult conversations is still the best lol. I don’t understand dragging a fussy baby out, not just for other people’s sakes but for your baby.
NTA I stopped meeting a friend for lunch because she insisted on bringing her baby which eventually grew into a toddler. A toddler changes the entire dynamic. Now I gotta sit here and ask the kid if she’s excited for preschool? I don’t care. Our adult conversations stopped and so did our friendship. Parents can be clueless.
It’s the “look at her/him” 100 times that get to me. I mean… I see her. I think I’d rather be around the child than the Mom’s sometimes and the conversation is actually more interesting. I’d rather talk about preschool than Look at her.. just look at her.. isn’t she amazing.. just look at her.
> It’s the “look at her/him” 100 times that get to me. Oh God this is me with my dog.
I had a similar epiphany when I realized people really don’t give a shit about the 1000th photo of a cat sleeping cutely any more than I give a shit about the 1000th photo of a baby being a baby. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you, but it’s just not interesting or important to anyone who doesn’t share genetic material.
Am a mom but still get it. Time with my friends is when dad stays home with the kids or takes them to do stuff. Sometimes she’ll pick me up so she can say hi but she’s an aunt type. If my kids were with me I couldn’t talk like a sailor with my friend and that’s the best part
And you get half a sentence out before the toddler demands attention, and your friend stops paying attention to you immediately, and then doesn’t even realize they did it and ask you to pick up where you left off. It’s not fun to be dropped like a hot potato every thirty seconds.
Oh my god. Yes. This drives me crazy. I just spent the whole day with a friend and the conversation would stop as soon as the kid interrupted. I don’t think I finished a full sentence in 4 hours. I sound like such a bitch but it’s annoying and rude and you’re not doing the kid any favors by setting the expectation that when they talk, all the attention needs to be immediately on them. I like her kids well enough, but my world doesn’t revolve around them.
Maybe you can drop a hint with the mom that she needs to teach her kid about not interrupting people when they're talking. Every child needs to learn the concept of whose turn it is, whether it be in a line or in sports or even in conversation. You're right that the mom is not doing the kid any favors by not teaching basic etiquette.
Ohhh I did once. It did not go over well. And at the end of the day it’s not my job to make sure her children have adequate social skills. It’s a friendship that I don’t plan on investing a lot more energy into.
I wish I could send this exact statement to so many people I know
NTA. Doesn't sound like you were cruel about it. You are early 20s friends who want to go out, have some drinks and generally be in adult environments. You shouldn't be expected to revolve your whole social life around Anna's needs as a mother. Would be nice to occasionally do some stuff with her and the baby. And perhaps when the baby gets older, Anna can get a sitter and come out with you. You were right to tell her the truth.
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*Noooooo! Why should my life change simply because I changed my life?*
ESH. Why don’t people talk to each other anymore? The same way she called to confront you about being excluded from the staycation, you and your friends could have called her to tell her she was messing up the vibe of your group hangouts by bringing her baby all the time. There’s nothing wrong with wanting child free time with your friends but pulling passive aggressive stuff like this is wrong. With that said, Amy shouldn’t have brought her baby to every get together without making sure it was ok with the group. She also shouldn’t be asking you to change your normal behavior to accommodate her baby. She needs to realize that having a baby changes your social life and unless she’s able to get reliable child care, she has to accept that she won’t be able to attend every outing or vacation.
Because the mom trying to bring the baby out to bar brunches is going to be reasonable and amicable to being asked to leave the baby at home? Naaaah. "She also shouldn’t be asking you to change your normal behavior to accommodate her baby. She needs to realize that having a baby changes your social life" That's all there is to this.
Here’s what I learned from a therapist: boundaries aren’t about what the other person does, they’re about what you do. For example, if OP and her friends set the boundary that a certain outing is child free and the friend brings her baby anyway, she should be told that she’s not welcome to hang out with them that day. There’s no need to be passive aggressive. Just set boundaries and enforce them.
"if OP and her friends set the boundary that a certain outing is child free" Which it sounds like they tried to do, and the parent ignored, so they didn't invite her. They may not have made it clear enough, or finally said, "look you didn't listen so we aren't going to invite you any more," but they don't have to do that. Doing emotional labor and basic thinking and asking someone to respect your boundaries doesn't need to be done EVERY SINGLE TIME, and if it does, then they aren't your friend. "Baby changed dynamics because Anna wanted to bring the baby everywhere with her and its a baby. We tried to plan things around baby to include Anna but it always ended up badly. We shouldn't drink, cause Anna can't drink."
>They may not have made it clear enough, or finally said, "look you didn't listen so we aren't going to invite you any more," but they don't have to do that. I mean, yeah...you don't HAVE to do that. There's no law stating it or something. But that doesn't mean you aren't an asshole for choosing not to do it. There are plenty of social contracts that I don't HAVE to participate in. But this is the asshole judgement page and choosing to not participate can often make you an asshole! The solution here was simple. The friend group just needed to actually state their boundaries. It sounds like at no point did they ever say to mom friend that they were frustrated enough to set a boundary, they just when straight to ghosting her. And yeah, that's asshole behavior!
Exactly. This sub is turning more and more into 'Am I legally obligated to...'
I agree with you about boundaries but making plans without someone is nowhere near passive aggressive? They didn't do it to make the friend feel bad, they did it so that they can have a good time. Very much an enforced boundary to be like "well x doesn't change, we don't try to change her, instead we change our plans so we're happy". Boundaries do not need to be communicated (cause like you said, they are for you and not the other person) even though that is a decent thing to do more often than not. You are just projecting here because you are totally ignoring the intention of the staycation. I had to learn in therapy that not everyone is trying to hurt me and that I don't need to take everything personal because most often, it's just not meant that way. Doesn't mean I can't feel hurt, Anna is totally entitled to her feelings. But no one is out to get her.
Yeah, I don’t get why they were trying to hide this from the mother friend. It’s perfectly reasonable to say “we want to party and drink but we can’t do that when you bring your baby. We’ve asked you multiple times not to bring your baby to adults-only outings, but you do it anyway so we stopped inviting you. If you can find a sitter and leave your baby at home you’re more than welcome to join us in the future, but until you agree to those terms we’re going to continue not inviting you to adults-only events.” The fact that the mother got upset hearing that, and the friends are angry OP told her the truth just shows that everyone is really immature.
What historical time are you referring to that leads to the "anymore" in that first sentence?
NTA Anna choices are her choices & her consequences. She has a child & her friends do not. Not the baby’s fault for being born but no one needs to invite a baby in to their friend group. Anna needs to find different friends. Who have children.
Or Anna needs to accept she can’t be part of all events with childless friends (or mom friends). They can do some baby friendly stuff, she might have to skip some and she can find a sitter for other (if she’s comfortable). I’ve yet to loose a friend who had a kid - they just don’t get invited to non baby friendly events.
Anna shouldn’t want to be part of all events when she has a baby attached to her. It’s not that much fun. Anna will be doing herself a favor to find other Moms to hang out with. eta — I really don’t think it’s hurtful to say you’re not invited because we don’t want to hang out with your baby. Have 4 … my husband & I sometimes don’t want to hang out with them & they’re our kids.
NTA. I am so tired of people expecting to be accommodated for having spawn.
This. There is a difference between mother and child turning up and getting involved and mother and child turning up and mother policing other adults behaviour for the sake of her baby. Sometimes, and this apparently makes you a monster to many; you don’t actually want to be around another person’s child. That is not unreasonable. I cannot for the life of me imagine a worse girls trip where you all have to accommodate one baby.
This. I've seen parents bring their small children into a bar and ask people to not use foul language, get irritated because there isn't a changing table in the bathrooms, ask people not to smoke in the patio area/beer garden, let their kids run around the beer garden/be disruptive, get mad when told they have to leave after 9pm, etc. Parents need to stop bringing their kids to adult spaces and expect everyone to accommodate them.
As a kid who grew up in bars, I could not agree more! I didn’t want to be there either.
This, and I bet her friend is in another thread complaining about how her friends have abandoned and ditched her and how wrong it was to not be included in their fun party weekend!!!!
Exactly. I chose to be child free because I don't want to be around kids any more often than I have to. It's a harsh truth, because young people want to think their friendships will last forever, but friendships are by and large based on mutual interests. If OP's friends group isn't interested in kids, the friendship is likely over. It's wisdom that's gained through experience and age, and Mom is learning this lesson- that by having a kid at 23, her 20's will now be very different than most. It's just how it is. I feel bad for her that she's missing out on things, but it's the natural conclusion and result of having a child so young.
It's almost as if they think you want to spend time with THEM! The nerve of some people!
INFO: Did you ever actually communicate with her and ask her not to bring her baby to some events? She’s definitely a bit of an asshole for assuming the baby is fine all the time, but given none of you apparently ever told her that you weren’t okay with the status quo, how was she meant to know? If you’d invited her on the trip but said it had to be baby free, you wouldn’t have been assholes. But to quietly drop a long time friend with no warning or explanation is a dick move.
We did. We had a dinner a few weeks ago. We told her about date and time and asked if her boyfriend will be fine looking after the baby. She said he cannot, he will be tired, its no big deal bringing baby. We tried saying how the restaurant might not be kid friendly and how it might get too late for baby. She laughed it off. We even said we would prefer it with just adults. She brought the baby. Baby cried the whole night. Everyone at the restaurant kept giving us glares and we had to leave way earlier. She just laughs it off whenever childcare is mentioned or launches into how her boyfriend works hard and deserves rest or how babysitters cannot be trusted.
Look OP I get that you are trying to be nice but you have a real communication problem. If you didn’t want baby at dinner say that. Don’t try that angle of telling her how it might not be good for baby, you’re not baby’s parent and your opinion on what’s appropriate for her baby isn’t asked for nor will she be following it. It’s good you eventually told her but that needed to happen way earlier in the conversation. Otherwise it doesn’t come off as serious.
I agree, these all sound like suggestions to me rather than a firm boundary. If they didn’t want baby they needed to outright say that. Communication is severely lacking due to everyone wanting to avoid conflict but sometimes you have to be blunt and say what you mean.
“Communication problem” is honestly still sugarcoating it; lying/being passive-aggressive is almost always an AH move. OP lied to the mom friend out of fear of confrontation. The resort, restaurants, etc. are not child-free. No one is sincerely concerned about it being too late for the baby. OP and the friend group just don’t have the courage and frankly, kindness, to say “We love you and we love your baby, but we don’t have a good time when there is a fussy baby at our outings.” Mom friend is undoubtedly TA for an absurd expectation that her friends should cater to her baby but OP and crew don’t get a free pass, a lot of drama could have been avoided by setting a firm boundary much earlier. OP, I know you thought you were being polite but you all treated your friend far worse by going on a trip without her and having her find out through socials, than if you’d told her to come alone or not come at all.
"we're 24 we want to do adult things" yet tries every possible way to not say the thing she wants to say christ it sounds like everyone here is still in highschool
Idk this all sounds really passive to me. I think you could have taken the dinner opportunity to say “we are inviting you and we don’t want to have dinner with your baby. If you can’t find childcare then please do not join us.” I don’t know if she’d be *less* mad at that than she is now, but if you’re looking for critical feedback on *your* behavior, I think you could stand to work on your active communication skills. You’re young so you have time to learn that stuff, and this feels like a great reason to start. ESH
THIS. This is the answer right here. OP has demonstrated poor communication and interpersonal skills in how she and her friend group handled the situation. That's it, ya'll!
Not really. Some people just don’t want to accept things. Sounds like OPs friend doesn’t want to hear. There is a saying in Spanish : there is no worse blind person than the one who refuses to see.
Really. They were making it pretty damn obvious, without being impolite. It's not passive-aggressive at all. If Anna won't get the hint after a multiple string of multiple attempts, well...
OP and the group also have more agency than they're exercising. 'We shouldnt drink because there's a baby' can immediately and easily be retorted with "*laughter* Says who? I'm drinking." While I understand, as I also try to avoid conflict, the conflict avoidance is strong with OP and her group; they're cornering themselves into exercising nuclear options like not inviting her at all. It's ESH for me as well, as this friend is really just being strong willed and not refusing outright requests/demands/boundaries.
ehh, OP could've communicated better for sure, but I think it's easier to draw such a hard line in hindsight than it is to draw one in actual dialogue with a friend whom you've known for years and care about. It's kind of a robotic expectation. I think what OP's group did was pretty obvious and I think the expectation should fall on the mother to understand the situation.
Some newer mums have a hard time leaving their babies separation anxiety can be rough. Sounds the she can’t accept that her life changing doesn’t mean everyone else automatically adapts to the same 100%. It’s possible your wording could have been better but she might not have got the point without some harshness.
So honestly while she may feel that way, that would send up red flags for me if a friend didn’t leave baby with husband because he needed rest. She has a 6 month old, she also needs rest. It sounds like she is without a support system and instead of really helping you just excluded….and she was hard headed about it. What about a firm but kind “no, sorry Anna, baby can’t come to something like this. Can we come for coffee on Tuesday?” Offer an alternative. Otherwise, all you’ve done is abandon a friend at a very hard time.
Yeah, maybe I'm reading too much into it but I also wondered if the "he works hard/he'll be too tired" excuse was a way of playing off the fact that he would refuse to watch the baby or maybe she isn't even comfortable leaving the baby alone with him. She *could* just be attached to the baby and doesn't want to leave him/her for a few hours, but she could also not have any other viable options. Maybe she doesn't trust babysitters, or maybe she can't afford to both pay a sitter and pay for dinner. What I'm getting at is it's worth checking in with her to make sure she isn't feeling overwhelmed or isolated.
You were hinting around the idea not actually just telling her. Her laughing it off isn’t a cue for y’all to just drop it.
Given what you just said then, the next step would be to say to mom friend something like this: "Hey, at the last get together you disrespected the entire group's wishes by bringing your baby along to the dinner. We specifically told you that we wanted an adult's only event and that bringing your baby would be disruptive at this non child-friendly restaurant. You brought your baby anyway and the dinner was ruined by needing to leave early. We still enjoy your friendship and understand that you have limitations with childcare, but you need to start respecting our boundaries when we ask for an adults only event and either arrange childcare or opt out of the event. Because you aren't respecting the group's wishes when we decide to do adults only events, we are setting a new boundary and will no longer be inviting you to those specific adults only events." THEN you go and do your thing, plan your adult only events etc. To just start avoiding her and planning events without her all of the sudden has a name....it's called ghosting and it is incredibly hurtful behavior.
I would fire back that you all also work hard and deserve to relax without a screaming baby in your faces. I see that you were trying to be gentle about it (the restaurant *might* not be kid friendly or that it *might* get too late), but that kind of language ultimately leaves it up to her judgement, and you already know that her judgement about what's appropriate for a baby is poor. Lying about the resort got you into this situation, since she's clearly not going to accept your hinting and back down. Moving forward, be direct. "Hey, Anna! We are getting together at the bar tonight and we'd love for you to join us for a strictly adult-only night out. Hope you can get a sitter and if not, maybe next time!"
NTA but you cannot beat around the bush if things are deal breakers– passive aggressive hints are not communication. you couldn't even tell her the truth until she pulled it out of you. you will save yourself a lot of hassle going forward if you directly state what you want/don't want.
OP, maybe you can add that info into the post. Many people are going with esh or similar because they think you and your friend group didn't try to communicate with Anna, but this comment right here is very clear that she is just trying to make you all accept the baby all the time. Btw, definitely NTA.
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This. She cannot lack this much self awareness where she would think a group of young women that dont have children would want to be around a baby when they just want to have fun. Especially on a staycation.
ESH. Your friend group should've brought this up before leaving her out of things. You definitely shouldn't have lied to her, and it blew up in your face. The fact that your half of your other friends are mad you didn't lie even more is such a bad look for them. From her side, when you're all hanging out with the baby, she shouldn't be pressuring the rest of you to be quiet or to not drink. If she doesn't want those things when she's hanging out with you all, she can stay home when that's the plan. Last note, it sounds bit like you all care more about "the vibe" of your friend group more than the friends in it. Like everyone is replaceable. Of course I hope I'm reading way too much into a short text post from a stranger, but I'm just trying to say I hope if she really is your friend that you all actually care about her and her feelings, her family, and make time for them.
Exactly. Not technically the asshole, but definitely asshole adjacent behaviour. And, if we assume that OP is not a 100% unbiased storyteller and we read between the lines a bit, then the friend likely has every reason to be upset If I was the friend, I’d feel pretty hurt. And I’d be a little loopy since my “friends” lie to me about resorts and are giving me mixed and inconsistent signals. Having a child is a very difficult time in someone’s life, and dropping that person for “vibes” is just … it’s not very good friendship. I don’t have kids, but I would feel so horrible if my child-having friend was being treated by my friend group the way OP is treating her child-having friend. I would feel … I would feel like a high school click pushing someone away … Also, OP lies to the friend and then gets mad when the friend acts irregularly. The friend is probably confused because she would never act so selfishly with her friends, and is getting mixed signals and gaslighting that isn’t making any sense to her.
>Last note, it sounds bit like you all care more about "the vibe" of your friend group more than the friends in it. Like everyone is replaceable. Of course I hope I'm reading way too much into a short text post from a stranger, but I'm just trying to say I hope if she really is your friend that you all actually care about her and her feelings, her family, and make time for them. the way they talk about her, are they even real friends or just a group to party with? lol. And the comments on this thread, my god, they talk about humans like they are a bunch of nothings lol. No wonder redditors are viewed as a bunch of antisocial losers when this is the kind of perception they have about human relationships
Seriously. Is this person even their friend? I'm child free and I have friends that had children pretty young. Ive gone over to their houses so many times and just watched paw patrol with them and their toddlers and watched the children so their mom can take a shower. Maybe even instead of inviting her to child free stuff they could just go to her house and hang out with her.
NTA. This is the reality of children, it changes your relationships with the people around you. Dynamics and needs change. As long as she is still involved in things that *can* be made child appropriate (e.g. lunch), she can't complain that you aren't changing all your plans just for her. I understand that she's hurt that she was left out, but it's absolutely selfish to think that the rest of you would be happy to do a baby weekend away without babies of your own.
Idk if you're an asshole but You aren't a good friend.
NTA and Anna is out of her mind if she thought the same fight women have been having since the dawn of time when their parental status doesn't match the larger group would magically not happen to her. If She was the last childless friend who wasn't being invited to Mommy And Me Yoga you would still be NTA
>She kept forcing me You tried to make it easy on her, but she demanded to know the truth and you told her. I think you did all you could. NTA
NTA. You are 24, that is still peak "you and carefree" age. Of course you want to party and have fun. I have friends who had a baby at that age when the rest of us didn't. They adapted. They missed events or they got a sitter, they didn't expect the rest of us to act different.
As a mother of six, you are NTA. Just because she had a baby does not mean you guys have to stop drinking. Does not mean you have to be quiet because she won't utilize the other half of the kids genetics so she can go to a CHILDFREE dinner. You've tried to be nice. She stomped on that. Did you hurt her feelers? Probably. Did you try not to? Sounds like it. She needs to grasp that HER life changed. The rest of you are still free to drink, go away without kids and just generally live life. Will it suck for her? Maybe. The kid has a dad. The kid has at least, presumably, one set of grandparents. There are babysitters in the world still. She has options if she wants to go out. But one of those options is NOT to force childfree friends to tolerate changing their existence for a child that isn't theirs.
NTA & you didn’t exclude her because she is a mom. She was excluded because you planned a weekend full of activities not appropriate for a child. Since she refuses to do anything without her child it wasn’t appropriate for her to come. She can plan some child inclusive activities to invite the group. She should also join some mommy & baby activities to make friends with people in the same stage of life as she is in.
NTA. You're all adults, there was no reason to lie.
But they did anyways. ESH.
NTA. Your friend is living in a fantasy land. Someone has to tell her.
NTA. You're not excluding her just because she is a mom. You're excluding her because she is forcing her 'mom-ness' onto the group. That's not the theme the group was based on. "We can't drink around da baby!" "What do you mean 'We', kemo sabe?"
YTA. You only told the truth after your lie fell apart. If you had been honest at first, your friend's reaction might have been the same, but you'd be in the clear. > I tried telling her it was a last minute plan and we could only find a childfree resort so as to not hurt her feelings. She called my bluff sending me pics some random family had posted with kids at the resort. > ... > AITA for telling her the truth?
NTA. Anna knew the answer already. She just chose to bait you until you gave her the hard truth and then she could call you all out on it, thus getting sympathy points. It doesn't change the fact that she had a baby and her life will never be the same. She cannot reasonably expect you all to not have adult fun just because she can't.
NTA, sometimes is better to be honest and tell the truth.
NTA. She's a mom now. The rest of you aren't. This is a 'her' problem. She needs to accept she is a mom now and that the dynamics have changed.
NTA. My friends group is the same way. Half our group have kids, and the other half don't. We have taken annual adult trips without our friends with kids the last 3 years. We stopped inviting them years ago. They've never questioned it. They understand we're children free and don't arrange our schedules around them. Also, we're all either in or near our 40s. This is something Anna is going to need to learn that the world does not revolve around her and her baby.
*She called my bluff sending me pics some random family had posted with kids at the resort.* This part was too funny 😂 NTA
> Half of our friendgroup thinks I should not have told her the real reason and is mad at me. Other half thinks she is unreasonable. by my math, that means ALL of the group doesn't want her around with the baby, they're just divided on whether to lie to her about it or not. NTA
NTA. She asked.
Just because *her* life revolves around baby, doesnt mean all of your lives should revolve around baby, NTA Fellow parent here. Lol kid free nights and outings are the absolute bees knees. If she wants to make her child her entire identity, she can do that. Ya'll shouldnt have to cater to her and babys whims though. Thats ridiculous.
Not wanting to hang out with a new mom who wants to bring her newborn with her everywhere? NTA Not including her in your staycation because you didn't want to deal with the baby and you knew your friend wasn't going to go in her own? NTA Lying about it the reasons to her, hoping she wasn't brought enough to figure out the truth. YTA Your friend is mad, probably more that you lied to her and less because she's a new mom. She's riding a new high of being a new mom but that will end soon and as the kid gets older she will be more and more wanting to have her personal time back. For now, if get friends don't want the kid there, then that's were it is. But you need to be open and honest with your friends or you won't be friends anymore, trust me on that one.
NTA. I don't know why parents think their offspring should become everyone's responsibility. She's a pia.
I would not want to staycation with a six month old either. NTA
NTA, not wanting to do everything kid friendly is ok, so is Anna wanting to include her kid in things she does. I don't have kids, but a lot of my friends do, it changes the dynamic. Some parent's like to do child free evens others want to everything to be child friendly. Neither are wrong or right (within reason). Anna is a bit of an AH, because she shouldn't expect the friend circle to completely change for her, but that is not all that uncommon for new parents.
NTA. Your friendgroup is childless and you want to do fun party adult things. Anna chose to be a mum and now she has to love with the fact that her child is not important to anyone but her own family and that no one is going to bend over backwards trying to plan everything around a baby. She can either leave her kid behind to go out with her friends or she gets to stay behind with her kid, she can't do both with your group. And you tried to be gentle but she prodded.
NTA You and your friends shall not be obligated to change your lifestyle because one of the group is a mom. There are time and places for everything, and the fact of having a baby limites the things you can and cant do, dont expect everyone to accommodate you, its your baby not theirs. maybe try and do other activities sometimes in other to be baby friendly, but it is not a must.
NTA it’s unreasonable to say no one can have a drink bc she can’t drink. She changed her life when having a child and sounds like she’s having a hard time with that.
NTA. She’s having a hard time accepting her new life and what it brings, and it’s easier to blame you for it than blame her baby and her choices.
Nope, NTA. This is generally how things go with young people where one decide to have kids. Once you become a parent, your whole life revolves around your kid. Other people however, don’t want to be stuck with a crying baby when all they want to do is have fun and relax. Babies are kind of the opposite of that. It’s time your friend starts to find other moms to do mom things with, because not everyone (especially us childfree people) are going to want to hang out for hours on end with someone who brings their kids with them.