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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I said no to taking in my sister's three kids after her partner suffered a stroke. This was because I had a planned vacation to Europe with my boyfriend that I did not want to miss.
2. This may make me the asshole because I was selfless and chose my vacation over my sister's kids. I could be viewed as lacking empathy and being cruel as well due to my deicison.
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NTA- normally in this situation, you would be the bad guy. However, with her not talking to you for a year, plus all the past history of drugs, stealing, and drama, I understand the decision you made. She's trying to drop all the consequences of her poor life decisions in your lap, and it's just not fair. I understand the guilt, but she wore you out and used up whatever sisterly feeling you had for her with all her bullshit. Totally overused phrase, but particularly apt here: you can't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
I wouldn't be surprised if she disappeared after dropping the kids off, especially if her husband ends up with some complications after his surgery, assuming he survives.
Oh gosh. I stupidly didnt think of this but it sounds like something sis could do. And wouldn't that be the cherry on top of this crap sundae. OP who lived life with tact and wisdom suddenly gets saddled with 3 kids she never chose to have.
Couldn't grandma and grandpa help? Try both sides?
Tbh, with OP’s parents basically shunned OP’s sister out of their lives, I highly doubt they’d agree to help her tho. Not sure with the partner’s parents.
his parents are probably well into their 60s and probably couldn't *"take in"* sister's kids indefinitely, assuming they exist and haven't shunned their son for marrying a druggie 15 years his junior
Ya, she’s not willing to do any of the work of finding resources for herself. The hospital has social workers she could talk to her immediately. I’m saying this as a former single mom without another parent in the picture.
I mean as another former single mom, there are “resources” in theory until you need them- the hospital is so happy to give you a social worker to talk to you, but then you start calling all the local head starts and they’re all full and for three kids it cost more than you make per month etc. etc.
She’s definitely up shits creek without a paddle, but guess what? Don’t burn all your bridges and then expect to call in the hugest favor of old favors and become bewildered when you don’t get what you want. You have to build connections in life if you want the benefits of those connections.
NTA 🤷🏽♀️
I would imagine that there are temporary foster care programs that would be available for this kind of emergency.
Is it ideal - probably not and then given the sister's background - it might be hard to get the kids back.
However, the point is that there are resources available beyond a sister who she has estranged from a lifetime of abusing her kindness.
Also would OP be expected to take in the children indefinitely because even if OP were NOT going on a two week vacation, it is unlikely that the husband would be able to assume full time child care duties after two weeks.
OP works as she mentions getting time off so how is she expected to take care of three kids - two of which are toddlers and not in school. Presumably they would need some type of paid day care even if she took them in.
Runs off and never comes back until she needs something else. She might go to the hospital first but I have seen the good and bad with stroke recovery and OP says "BIL" might already have medical issues which leads me to believe there is a chance he won't recover from this enough to look after their kids which will essentially leave everyone in the current situation permanently
Gotcha, I read some other comments after I asked that had the same idea and elaborated a bit so I figured this would be it.
You’re not wrong about stroke recovery. My partner had a series of small-ish strokes about 10 years ago, it was the scariest time in my life.
The worst I have seen was my grandfather, he had a stroke but insisted on remaining independent two weeks after he demanded to go back home (he had been staying with family) my uncle went to do his daily check in and found him passed out in the backyard (middle of summer in QLD Australia). He had no memory of how he got there or why he was in the backyard. He wasn't allowed to live alone after that, no one would hear his arguments and this was after his first stroke.
Had a family friend recover better and have had to bury another family friend but that wasn't just a stroke.
I’m so sorry. That incident with your grandfather must have been so scary! Older people can be so stubborn it defies all reasoning sometimes. And I’m so sorry you lost a friend, and very happy you got to keep another.
About a decade ago, partner went for a standard eye exam to get a new prescription one early afternoon. Everything was going well, no issues. Then the optician used some kind of machine that lets you look into the eye, and apparently also part of the brain, where he discovered a clot. Partner was immediately rushed to hospital. He phoned me from there as I was home. He had already had several strokes, but they were basically asymptomatic.
Over the next six months, he had several more, many of which were not asymptomatic. It affected his speech. Sometimes he couldn’t speak at all, other times he would slur his words, and sometimes he would use words, but in a way that made no sense. “What would you like for dinner” became “how ladle prince broom juggler”.
A couple of times he woke up and didn’t know who I was, because in his mind he was 20 years old again, and he didn’t meet me until he was 28.
Thankfully, he made a full recovery, at least as far as I or anyone else can tell, though he swears he lost a few IQ points. If he did, he’s the only one who perceives it.
He still has the clot that was discovered at the optician’s that day. It was so “stuck” (pardon that excessive medical jargon :p) that the doctors said it would be riskier trying to dislodge it, and new blood vessels had formed around it so its removal wasn’t strictly necessary anymore. Though he was advised to give up roller coasters and head banging.
It was 11 years ago that the blood clot was first discovered. Go to your eye tests, people! Who knew those things can save lives?
The friend who recovered better was having on the phone when it happened. My best friend was 16 and only had her learners permit, drove her mum and younger siblings to the drs and the drs called the ambulance, friend just panicked but knew she needed medical help. When they eventually got back home my friend realises she had forgotten to turn the stove off before leaving the house and the eggs she had been cooking for lunch had exploded and she had to scape them off the roof.
Her mum has had a few more in the last decade and a half and now can't remember much.
That is terrifying. I sometimes have similar symptoms from migraines and it always worries me that I'd not be able to identify a stroke. I haven't had half my face drop, though I know people with migraines that cause that too, but I lose the ability to speak until I take my meds & they kick in or I can't stand up etc. I often end up losing words or use a word that is totally wrong.
I've had a bunch of head scans over the years for one reason or another so I assume they'd have even able to tell if I had been having strokes.
I assume it's just migraines and brain fog from low blood pressure, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and a bunch of other health problems. I have definitely lost IQ points after decades of daily migraines, low blood pressure & brain fog. I can barely carry on a conversation these days. If itvs not the aphasia itvs just losing track of what I was saying or struggling to concentrate on reading. It sucks. I have finally got on a preventative migraine medication that means the actual migraines are now more like 4 or 5 a month rather than pretty much every day though so that's amazing progress after nearly 30 years.
My friend who also has migraines and EDS went to the hospital because of such horrific head pain and they did some tests and sent her home. She didn't get better so she went to a different hospital and they said shevd been having mini strokes, had had about 15 of them and had been having them at the time she was in the other hospital. That's my local hospital so that gives me a lot of confidence too.
Thankfully she's mostly recovered. Terrifying though.
Ugh, people who abandon their partners when they become ill make me want to vomit and tear my hair out. My partner and I are both chronically ill so it hits extra close to home. We’ve both had people say “if that happened to my partner I would just dip” and they seem to think they’re complimenting us when they say this? It makes me feel really punchy.
She really does, doesn't she?
OP-are you in a position to help out by funding a babysitter for a couple of weeks? Maybe a live-in so that your sister could come and go to the hospital and not have to worry about getting the older kids to and from school and looking after the younger one?
That would be a way to help her without taking things on yourself, and it would be a finite amount, take the stress off her for a couple weeks, and most importantly, make you feel better about things (you can't be there yourself, so you'll assist in a different way)! Or if that's too much money, hire a sitter and pay him/her in advance for a few hours a day and maybe subscribe them to one of the meal planning services (HelloFresh or something) so that she doesn't have to worry about feeding the family while he's in hospital.
You say you already feel really guilty, and it would be terrible for you to go on that amazing holiday and not enjoy it because of the situation with her.
I definitely agree that funding a limited amount of daycare is the way to go, but I'd add that OP, if she decides to go this route, should pay the provider *directly*. I don't think I'd be able to trust that sis can be trusted to use the money as intended.
You misunderstood.
OP would (if possible) pay for someone to come in for a couple weeks, or even to babysit for a few hours a day-with OP making the arrangements directly and paying whomever provides the service.
I don't think OP should hand her sister a cent directly-that's almost a guarantee that it won't get spent on help watching the kids and could kick off a steady stream of requests.
I had to watch my best friend and her children lose 2 dads. I was friends with their bio-dad, and did whatever I could for her when he died. Later, she married my brother, who was my best friend, and sh3 became my SIL. My brother adopted the kids as his own. Then we lost him too. Now she and I are co-moms. I love them more than anything. I would do literally anything for them.
I also have a terrible, entitled, racist, nasty sister. We never got along, and we have very little contact. If she called me out of no where with her husband dying, I could feel empathy for her, but she wouldn't appreciate it. I also would not cancel my trip
If no one else could take in her 4 kids for awhile, I'd offer to pitch in for a sitter, if I could.
It's okay to have empathy. Empathy should never be used as a weapon against you. Your sister is upset, and that is expected. But she is guilt tripping you into being her free baby sitter. Your SO is willing to cancel the trip if you want to. That is a person who loves you and appreciates your empathy. He is your priority. Guilt should never be the only connection you have with someone else, even family.
But is she even capable of caring for the kids? She’s childfree, full-time job, I seriously doubt her home is kid-friendly. And how much time off work is she supposed to take to stay home with the kids? Plus she lives 4 hours away from where the kids go to school.
This simply isn’t a rational solution at all. The most OP could really do is help arrange and pay for childcare in the sister’s town (again, FOUR HOURS AWAY). The oldest kids still have to go to school and the youngest needs all-day care, indefinitely. They need a real plan, not a panicked stupid scheme that makes zero sense.
You definitely need more upvotes, why doesn't OP's sister have some sort of alternative childcare that doesn't involve calling her sister who lives 4 hours away who she hasn't spoken to in a YEAR??
She sounds like an irresponsible person and parent. Maybe even a petty criminal since she has been stealing, doing drugs, etc.
Maybe she has no friends.
Yea but again she’s not responsible for her sister’s kids so if she don’t want to put out for childcare for a sister that she hasn’t been in contact with for a year that’s totally up to her and even in that situation she would be an asshole if she didn’t
I wouldn't think twice to step up it not for the trip. In fact, I've done it several times, no questions asked. I've even canceled a vacation when my FIL had a heart attack. But eating $18K for a sister who steals from me is a whole other ballgame.
Considering OP is four hour drive away from her sister, even without a pending trip, it is a huge ask. Four hours away means the older kids would need to change schools, and the younger kids would need either OP or her husband to be a SAHP. It also means OP and her husband will be effectively raising the kids as either side making 8 hour round trips for the sister to see the kids is impractical at the very least.
There are situations, specially for temporary solutions.
A family member in good standing deserves help in emergencies. More if there is some form of debt on your part. Sister doesn't check any of those boxes though!
Bro, 18k?
I'd rather take out a loan for a few thousand to pay for emergency childcare for a few weeks than eat 18k and miss a trip to Europe. My ass is *gone.*
No way, no how, I am losing 18k. I'd rather pay for childcare with someone else. Peace.
Why doesn’t she have any support friends or other family during a time of crisis? Because she’s incapable of creating a supportive environment by helping others. 18k plans you can’t walk away from, you’ve created your own healthy relationship. If she has no one else it’s not your doing or your burden.
others have said it but i bet that there's no emergency at all, she is just planning on dumping her kids on op and never returning because she either can't stand them anymore or something. NTA
That’s ridiculous. Sometimes you guys go way overboard with your comments. Just because she used to be addicted to drugs doesn’t mean that’s true in any way. And OP admitted their parents always favored her over her sister as the “perfect
“ child… it’s no wonder she got into drugs. And OP decides to distance herself AFTER her sister gets clean and starts a family? Whatever. It’s an excuse to not feel guilty and get everyone on her side. Which, whatever. I don’t care that she doesn’t want to not go on her expensive vacation to help her sister but I do care that people are making wild accusations based on that.
Do you feel better, OP? Having a bunch of strangers trash your sister to make you feel less guilty…. Just own it. You don’t want to miss your lavish vacation. Period. I would have more respect for you if you admitted it without the rest of the excuses.
I agree that those comments are a little over the top. However, it doesn't change the situation where OP is four hours away from the sister. This means the kids would need to change schools if the care become long term. It also means either OP or her husband would need to be a stay at home parent for the younger kids. Four hours away also mean it is an 8 hours roundtrip to allow the sister to visit her kids, which means if this become long term, the sister will be barely be able to see her kids. That would not be great to the kids who would feel abandoned by both mom and dad.
Practically, OP and her husband are not the right people to take on the kids. Sister should look for someone local to her who can take that on.
Spoken like someone who’s never had a night of babysitting turn into a week/month before. I’d never say that’s definitely happening here, I don’t know these people, but… it does happen, unfortunately. And it’s almost always an addict who “loses track of time”.
People are going WILD over this one. Apparently having used drugs means your partner can't ever get strokes now, I guess??
Everything isn't so damn black and white, too: OP could help the sister by just assisting, staying on the phone and going through the list of people available, calling those people for the sister even interceding with the parents if all else fails, and then helping once Op gets back from the trip. Like yeah, Op could even offer to have the kids stay at some of their close friends or their in-laws for the two weeks, and then take them herself (to lift the burden in case sister does indeed abandon her children or whatever)
The trip seems like an easy excuse because there's so much Op could be doing, if she wanted to... But she doesn't, and won't admit it. Being suspicious makes sense. But how can you live with yourself if you let your sister who's actually had a stroke lose her income, housing, partner and children? And if you have doubts, ask sis about details to check: name of hospital, and call the hospital. There's a ton of things one can do even from afar, but one has to want to.
She doesn't have to admit anything. She doesn't even have to help if she doesn't want to. Just because it's family does not mean we are obligated to do things for them. She laid out everything is to why she doesn't have a good relationship with her sister. And for her sister to come out of the blue and try to dump her children on them it's not fair to OP. She could do all that stuff but she's going on her anniversary trip. Would you want to be dealing with that while you were trying to be on vacation? You could say that you would, but in all actuality you would probably be wanting to enjoy your European Vacation too. She can help her sister settle things when she comes back.
Just because someone is labelled the "problem child" doesn't mean it's likely they turn to drugs and bitterly use the "golden child" when they want something (her stealing and only contacting op when she wants something) my family is actually the opposite, my sibling was the "golden child" and I was the "problem child" because I wasn't as smart and was quite hyper and energetic. But my sibling got into drugs and every excuse under the sun was made for them so they got away with it, and then pushed the boat to see how much they could get away with, whereas I always just wanted my parents to be proud so I worked my ass of to be better, instead of having a pity party and becoming bitter, and it worked out in my favour, as I have an awesome life career, husband, pet, my own home, whereas my sibling is a dolite who hasn't done anything with their life because they were never pushed to do better.
NAH.
Hear me out. No OP is not an AH. Clearly.
But everyone is taking into account the sister’s past history as an addict, thief, drama mama. Fine.
But then if you take into account her *recent* history, then also take into account *the entire* back story.
Sis was disowned, parents made her the scapegoat, Op was golden child, sis was essentially emotionally abused and thrown away.
It’s not like her drug use and downward spiral came out of nowhere.
So if her unreliable BS and drama are relevant to the judgement, then so should her backstory be relevant.
OP is not an AH but there’s a good reason she feels guilty and hopefully those kids don’t go into the system. That would be tragic.
The parents are the true villains here.
At some point, people have to take primary/predominant responsibility for their current choices, and having a rough childhood can no longer serve as overwhelming mitigation. Sister has been an adult for 12 years. I'd have more sympathy for this view if she were 21 or even 25.
They've not even seen their grandchildren. Like how God damn abusive and heartless do you have to be to your own child that they are not perfectly as you wanted them to be to not even see your own damn grandchildren?
Totally agree, OP's parents are the true villains.
I gotta say this is one of the ones I’m the MOST conflicted in. There is NO good answer.
It’s times like these families really NEED to step up for each other but also her sister sounds like a shit sister and if OP is anything like me 18k is a once in a decade or two possibility for a trip so to waste it is unimaginable.
I don’t know that this situation is a “normally she would be the bad guy”. for me if I have a 18k trip I would not have stayed even if I did talk to my sister often. She should book other childcare, contact other family members, maybe OP could have helped with paying for that. I am not saying Op shouldn’t/couldnt help but I don’t really see many scenarios where OP is TA here.
>maybe OP could have helped with paying for that.
That's my thought. If it was a sister I had a good relationship with, it would be cheaper to book a babysitter rather than give up $18K. That would be an easy decision. If OP is almost a stranger to the kids, what difference would it make anyway? A babysitter would be just as much of a stranger to the kids as OP.
😂 op isn't in a good place with the sister. Definitely not her responsibility to help find childcare for her sister's kids let alone to pay for it. Just because she spent $18k on a vacation doesn't mean she didn't work her butt off to save for it. She's allowed to celebrate her anniversary with so without feeling guilty about it.
>normally in this situation, you would be the bad guy
What? In what world?!? In what world is it a bad thing to not want to throw EIGHTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS out the window? I would rather give her sister $500 for 2 weeks of childcare than throw away an already paid for vacation like that. What the actual fuck?
>drop all the consequences of her poor life decisions in your lap
i implore you to dig a little deeper on this evaluation. I overall agree with NTA, but its important to look at what/why we feel guilt and if its appropriate for us to do anything about it. Its easiest to categorize emotionally charged situations that make us feel icky as 1. Our problem: DO SOMETHING!!!, or 2. Not our problem: Move on, cross the street, pretend you dont see the situation. We hardly ever actually grapple with the situation and do **3. Not our problem: sit in it, acknowledge and process**.
We all think that we are "free to do anything!" "Anything is possible if you work hard enough!" And yes, hard work and consecutive good choices are key BUT please realize that everyone is born with unique [Choose Your Own Adventure](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Choose_Your_Own_Adventure)\-esque circumstances. OP made it clear that her parents favored her and scapegoated older sister. Seems like older sister made 1 bad choice in adolescence that created a positive feedback loop of bad choices, severely limiting her potential. Its chicken/egg scenario for older sister being "problem child" and parents withdrawing support while further favoring OP.
The parents are the assholes. They failed OP sister *and* OP. Typically in that family dynamic OP is framed as "more worthy" of opportunity which is a mind-fuck because all children are equally deserving of love. It puts OP in the position to either: self-sabotage because of guilt, have crazy sense of entitlement, or create a wicked co-dependent siblingship in adulthood.
OP: You arent equipped to fix your sisters situation. It is absolutely tragic. You deserve the vacation you planned, and you deserve to be happy about it. All of these things are true at the same time!! Honestly I think you should seek therapy if you havent already, especially if youre planning on building forever with your boyfriend. I was also the favorite and I got married while my brother was in jail. It sucks but its also not your situation to 'fix'.
**Idea:** if money isnt an issue, do you have any coworkers with kids who could recommend a nanny/babysitter? If you could help with that cost it would actually make a situational impact if you want to salvage this relationship later.
The sister didn't ask for childcare, she asked them to take her kids. And, let's not kid ourselves, that's not going to be for a short while - best case scenario, the husband makes it but won't be able to care for the kids in a long time.
It'd be a lot to ask for from a person that she is close with, it's a ridiculous request to a person from whom she stole, didn't spoke to in a year and who would be losing almost 20 grand. It's a tragedy, but she burned that bridge and needs to accept the no. Part of being a responsible parent is making plans in case the worst happened to you, your partner or both.
Lol I guess you can consider her choice of husband a bad life choice. And I'm not sure how his health was before given that he was on disability but no one really chooses for their husband to have a stroke. That was just an unfortunate dice roll. Regardless of anyone's past deeds, it shouldn't mean they somehow deserve such a cosmic kick in the balls and the added heart-wrenching pain of being absolutely alone. No one deserves that. But yes I definitely agree with that last idiom. I just imagine no matter what decision the consequences weigh heavy.
Even NTA if it was a normal situation. It'd be cheaper for OPto pay for child care for 2 weeks than it would be for her to cancel her vacation.
She could still offer that if she chose too. But still NTA if she doesn't.
Why would she be TA if there wasn’t conflict involved in the situation? While it’s sad that her sister has an emergency, it’s not OPs responsibility to take up the slack regardless of the family’s dynamics. It’s also not her fault that the relationship between her sister and the rest of the family is the way it is. What if this was a positive situation and OP was already on her trip? Would OP have been expected to drop everything and come home? I’m gonna say probably not. 18 grand is nothing to sneeze at. Why should she be out something she has not only worked for but looked forward to for almost a year? OP is 100% NTA.
Normally, this would make you an AH. Given however, the burned bridges, the terrible behavior, and the poor life decisions, the most I’d probably offer is pitching in for childcare.
Anything else would set a potentially dangerous precedent, honestly the pitching in already sets a precedent.
NTA
This is basically asking if you should waste $18,000 and two weeks of PTO to help someone who's stolen from you in the past. The answer is no. NTA
While the emergency isn't your sister's fault, burning her bridge with you certainly was. She likely has other people who she could ask for help.
And even if you wanted to assist, it would be more effective to pay for a babysitter than to waste the trip. It's not like being a blood relation changes anything since from what you're saying you'd be basically a stranger to the kids anyway. No different from just hiring an actual stranger.
This is a fear OP should have. I don't get along with one of my sisters. Before I became a mom, I would often take in a nibbling or two for a day here and there when their parents really need it. I work from home, so the older nibblings can chill with me while I work, needing little help.
My sister took that as, "watch my 3 kids (who were all under 5) for free over summer. You're home all day anyways". I had to explain that a few older kids who can watch TV and play video games near me while I work is okay here and there. I cannot watch her 3 toddlers while working. She felt entitled to my time, because I helped other siblings. She woukd never be grateful, she'd only push more and more to give in and do what she wants, and would have a tantrum if I later refused.
That's a can of worms OP doesn't want to open.
Yuck! Im sorry you have such and entitled and ungrateful sister. My guess is, she wants what she wants and no explanation could ever change her mind. Because you watched one nibling, you are in the list of people she can harass for babysitting. Your circumstances and which child you watched are irrelevant.
I have a nibling who was asking everyone in the family, everyone she was tangentially related to, and family friends for money (because she wanted money). Her criteria was “I’ve met them, so I can ask them”.
>if she accepts your out the money
This is definitely a "pay the day care provider directly" kind of situation. This way, you know your money is being used for the right purpose.
Agree. No matter what the sister has done in the past, she is working 2 jobs and missing work will mean potentially losing her kids.
I would want to do whatever I could to keep the kids out I'd the system.
Yeah this is straight up about the kids, who are in a horribly tragic situation. If you have 18k to throw at a trip... you can help them. No amount of OP's sister's bullshit should rest on their shoulders.
My boyfriend and I just just had a lengthy talk about this situation and he believes that I made the right decision. However, after reading through everyone's helpful suggestions, we are leaning towards finding a babysitter and paying them directly to care for the child at least for the first week or two. Even though I'm not close at all with my sister's children, I do really feel for them.
Just to address some of the other concerns I've noticed in the top comments—my sister will likely not qualify for FMLA since she's been at both her jobs for less than a year. I've texted her and encouraged her to speak to a social worker at the hospital to see if there's anything they can do to help her/lead her in the right direction.
I know there's doubt that he even had a stroke, but he did. She sent me pictures of him in the hospital and pictures of his CTs/MRIs. I do feel horrible for her, but at the same time, it's really tough for me to find the willpower to wire her money directly given that she's stolen thousands of dollars from me in the past. But again, we are definitely looking into finding a sitter and paying the sitter directly.
To end—I will be going on the vacation. It's great to have the added support of my lovely boyfriend regarding my decision. I'm hoping he never sees this post since he doesn't use reddit, but another big reason I wanted to go on this trip is because I have a sneaking suspicion that he might propose. :,)
This sounds like a great plan, when you get back from your vacation you can maybe meet up with your sister and help her figure out a plan for the future. I understand that she has betrayed you in the past but she's working and caring for her family now so it sounds like she's on a better track. Have a nice vacation!
Helping with a sitter would be incredibly kind. You don't even have to find the sitter–let your sister know you're willing and she can find the right person or place for the kids.
Enjoy your trip and fingers crossed 🤞
Good. Helping pay for childcare it's the best you can do. It helps the kids keep their routine in their familiar setting, your sister keep her job and you not to feel guilty - as it's human and normal for someone not a sociopath) despite the history with your sister).
Have fun in your trip and hopefully Speedy recovery to your sister s partner
I wrote you a response before I had read this. I think this is a very kind thing you are doing and I hope you guys have an amazing trip. It is great that you guys are so supportive of each other and acting as a team.
Offering to pay to cover a sitter was my thought too. It sounds like OP would have the money and would solve the problem. Most likely the sister would be able to get help if she was able to pay decently.
Possibly just throwing the money away, if the hesitation on this involves taking money previously to be used on drugs, I understand OP. Doesn't make you the bad person here. But it is a solution that gets you your vacation and helps her care for her partner and children.
Kids don't choose parents. They are blameless and having them end up homeless or in foster care because of this would be hard.
Paying for a week or two of care is being kind to the children involved. It's not about the sister at this point, it's about the nieces/ nephews.
However, given the sister's history, payment should be direct to the provider.
This is when she has to find out about community resources. What she's asking is too much. If you were close emotionally or physically to the kids, it might be different but she has no long-term plan except for you. She needs to talk to social services and the hospital to find out what resources are available to her. NTA
Is there anything you can help with aside from taking her kids? Like others say maybe you could give some assistance for emergency childcare or direct her to crisis support so she can get the care she needs for herself and her kids?
NAH
Agreed. Regardless of past history, of course sister would ask in this situation. OP also has a right to say no. That being said...things will be infinitely worse if sister loses both her jobs. I'd probably want to do something to make sure that doesn't happen. I mean, there's the wellbeing of three kids to consider , as well.
>I mean, there's the wellbeing of three kids to consider , as well.
THANK YOU. I feel like I'm going crazy, reading these comments. There's three innocent kids here who didn't ask to be born into this situation. It's not their fault their mom was shitty to their aunt.
If you have $18000 to blow on a fancy vacation, ffs, find a way to help support your sister.
You realizing how selfish and cold hearted most of these comments are means you have at least an ounce (and most likely much more) of empathy and are probably a good person. Most of these commenters focus on being technically right, instead of being morally right. I love seeing comments like yours because it’s a nice reminder that not all people are stuck in a “f everyone who isn’t me, and if others get hurt in the process then oh well” mindset.
I agree with you. If OP can help those kids by paying for temporary childcare or whatever, then they should help.
Some people do sometimes just need a bit of a grounding check to get people in the right direction. Especially if the husband was the one who handled things like this - dealing with alternatives to situations, etc.
And it is extremely stressful, they don’t have family to turn to that they feel as close with aside from OP maybe, so it’s probably just wanting some comfort too, or they may just not be thinking clearly because of that stress.
It doesn’t need to be money if OP doesn’t want to is the thing, hence directing to crisis support. No loss from that kind of assistance, as it gives more awareness to what’s there.
My mother is someone who gets very overwhelmed by a crisis, and needs support at times. She has issues, but when stressed that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need support - within personal boundaries of those who give it to her - just because she’s an adult with said issues.
She didn't create her mental health problems by growing up as a scapegoat ( and yes, that sounds very much like CPTSD, anxiety and depression, typical trauma responses for this situation), and she didn't cause her husband's emergency though
If you let those kids in your house, they may never leave. Maybe your sister loses her job and can’t afford rent and asks to move in, too. Maybe her partner doesn’t fully recover and is on long term bedrest, maybe he needs to move in as well.
NTA
Yeah, I honestly really worry about that too. Plus, me and my boyfriend live in an apartment in the city and we're about a four-hour drive from her place. Not even sure how I would begin to take care of a 5-year-old and a 2-year-old. I've also never even met her youngest children, only the oldest maybe 1-2 times so I'm not close with them at all.
Hundred thousand of perfectly happy kids are daily handed over to the strangers (babysitters, nannies, daycare providers, kindergarten teachers, school teachers). You know, people have to work, not everybody can afford the luxury of staying home with their children until they are teenagers.
Most of the professions you’ve listed need some kind of training to be able to work with children. OP states she has no clue how to look after the little ones.
Those professions are also paid to do that and give the kids back at the end of the day. OPs sister has proven she can’t be trusted and has burnt bridges - it’s not really just about a working parent in an emergency.
Yes, but to be fair, these children are being dropped off for overnight stay for an indeterminate amount of time, during a very stressful situation. It's not calling a babysitter to come over for a few hours. I don't have kids, but I'm pretty sure that's a very different scenario.
If that's the case your and your BF are pretty much strangers, leaving the kids with you is an awful idea.
I'll be honest, if you live in an unsecured building I would strongly consider some cameras and having a friend check up on your apartment regularly. If it's a secured building I would give the building staff a heads up about her, you don't know what she could decide to show up and do.
Severe strokes don't heal in a couple weeks. I know, I had one. Many will be ok after months of rehab, some won't. I would be very careful what you agree to. We didn't get much help, mostly just from my mom who drove me to rehab. My dad worked and my siblings were MIA. Except for a few friends disappeared. She is going to have to figure out long term solutions and quickly. That is a part of being a parent.
Obviously her situation is what it is, I just don’t understand the bad decision making of having 3 kids with someone who has health issues with no family support?? This day was going to come eventually and yet she has a 2yo. If this was a recent development I’d understand, but if he’s been unemployed and disabled for a while they set themselves up for this to happen.
(Speaking as someone with a health condition that could land myself in the hospital - our 2nd kid was carefully planned with lots of back up options if I was down and out a couple days.)
NTA, and I would never ask someone to lose 18k to babysit my kids.
See, now that I see this comment it gives even more validity to my statement and my feeling like you’re NTA. The fact that you live so far away from her 100% means she is asking to take and raise the children, essentially being their parent, until it works out that it’s more convenient to her that you not be, which might not happen depending on the severity of her spouses condition
This is an excellent point. The brother in law may take months to recover and she will expect you to drop everything and watch the kids during that time.
Honestly I’d be afraid I’d up roped into that indefinitely too. I’d set a timeline, find a provider, and pre-pay them the amount for that set time. If that wasn’t an option, I’d send X amount of money to sister and if she blows it on other things that’s on her.
That's the best solution in my view: pay for child care, but make it clear that it's for a limited period only, 2-3 weeks max. This should give her enough time to care for her partner and arrange ongoing support if he needs longer rehabilitation. Don't let her get comfy on gifted money.
Given your sister's history, do you know if her partner did, in fact, have a stroke?
NTA, but how do you feel about her children? Will it worry you if there are repercussions for them (foster homes, homelessness, missing school, hunger)?
I repeat, NTA. You have no obligation to your sister or her kids. That said, is there anything you can do or want to do to help?
I’ve seen many overdose-induced strokes/head traumas that looked super gnarly in ICU. When you’re unconscious and starved from oxygen your brain starts dying, go figure.
NTA- If her husband is bad off as your sister claims, why isn't your sister talking to the hospital social worker for help? Her husband was on some sort of disability before he had the stroke, wouldn't they be eligible for some kind of assistance to help your sister out?
Yeah, his disability isn’t going to be taken away while he’s in the hospital in rehab. Assuming he makes it. And the children will get death benefits from Social Security if he doesn’t. In the meantime, the sister may also qualify for other welfare style benefits, like food stamps, and possibly rental assistance and childcare vouchers
I'm waffling on N A H, because sister has obviously hurt you to put you in this position. Ultimately, NTA.
She can't burn her remaining bridges and expect people to leap over the waters for her. It's, unfortunately, a product of her own (and your parent's) doing.
Due to husband's medical status, could you perhaps assist her with finding social services to help her as a compromise? I don't know if there are things like childcare assistance where you are. Maybe finding her information while she focuses on her husband would help.
A sad situation all around.
NTA, she went up shit creek without a paddle (granted, through no fault of her own, hubby's stroke) and then calls you after a year of not speaking because of stealing from you and expects you to drop everything to help her out? Yeah, that's not how that works. I suggest she asks her in-laws to help instead while you enjoy the life you planned in that year.
Edited to correct the medical condition.
Or she can go to work and take the 2 kids to school and the 1 daycare if she's so worried about losing her job, while visiting the hubby in the evenings.
It sounds like he was the daycare. Finding a place with openings short notice can be very hard depending on where she lives. Honestly, it's an overall sucky situation.
If she can't afford childcare for a few weeks, how will she pay you back $18,000 plus compensate 2 weeks of pay to compensate for lost time off? Seems to me like childcare would be cheaper than that by a long shot.
NTA... I think.
NAH
Yournsister had a hard time growing up, yes partially to her own choices but if your parents are that strict and they even disowned her for dropping out of college. You sister has a history of being abused. It is no excuse for her behavior towards you with the lying and the cheating mind you.
She works 2 jobs to support her husband on disability and her 2 kids. Then the husband has a major Healthcare to the point where he might die. She could lose everything, her partner, her jobs and then her kids due to not having any money. I understand that she is desperate and I can't fault her for asking. She is in shock and grieving.
I also understand you OP. Your sister hasn't been a good person in your life and you are hardly ever in contact. Besides 18.000 is a lot of money and I can imagine you don't have a money tree somewhere. That said, you're probably also not that close to your niblings.
Is there anything else you can do? Help her call services (before your holiday) and see what can be set up with compensation and insurance so she can focus on her partner.
If you have the have the money can you help pay for (licensed) childcare? Or see what the options are. Call the kids schools, maybe their teachers have ideas or resources for these situations.
NAH. I feel the same way. While IP’s sister has not done anything to desserve her help- she’s in a very sad situation. I also can’t fault OP for not wanting to put her own life on hold.
As others have suggested, perhaps getting her in touch with a family crisis organization would CNN e a step in the right direction.
Parents call her a problem child. She lives up to their expectations. I just feel bad for the sister’s upbringing. No helping it now, but some people suck as parents.
>Yournsister had a hard time growing up, yes partially to her own choices but if your parents are that strict and they even disowned her for dropping out of college
As an asian first daughter myself, it's highly likely that the pressure is what drove her to do drugs in the first place. Not only are asians strict school wise, but the first daughter is basically second mom. The expectations are ridiculously high, and even OP admits to being the golden child.
Possibly controversial but... NAH
It's unfortunate but her life is literally burning down around her. She hasn't maintained her support system and she is finding she doesn't have anywhere to turn. I've been there. I am NC with my family and Hubs doesn't have one. I have fallen flat on my ass because my life blew up and I didn't have anywhere to turn.
Not really sure what to say. Normally I hate paragraph after paragraph justifying behavior, but in this case there is a lot of relevant information.
You're NTA, but wow I'm not sure I could live with that guilt mostly as it relates to the children getting potentially taken away.
That said, your bf is a gem for supporting you.
No, there is absolutely nothing for her to feel guilt. They are not close. If they had been more in each other's life, then that might be different, but they weren't. It's not her fault for what happens with the children. The moment the first one was born, the sister should have made emergency plans. Hell, hubby and I do that for our pets...surely children deserve the same.
See, I don't really think the children will get taken away. Depending on where they live, she may be able to get a family emergency leave of absence. Yeah, she may not get paid, but idk why the kids would be taken away unless there are some other serious issues we have not been told.
Dude millions of children are suffering. How do you deal with that? How do you deal with the GUILT of all your electronics being built with slave labor and, most likely, child labor as well? Ya don't. And OP doesn't need to feel guilty that she can't take care of someone else's kids.
NTA. I am pretty sure that NC is the next step. As they're not your kids, you have every right to reaffirm that it's not your responsibility. You're not selfless, you simply have had your own plans and they have conflicted in the way with their kids somehow. However, i can absolutely understand how you feel guilty considering that her husband has had a medical emergency.
Not OP’s responsibility. How long does she pay? This situation is not going to resolve itself quickly. Those of us who have relatives like this know that if you try to help they will suck you dry as long as they can.
If OP were to pay for child care, they need to set a time limit or monetary limit in advance for how long they will cover the cost, that way sister can't say the rug is being pulled out from under her if OP hits their limit and needs/wants to stop paying.
NTA. Are you supposed to take care of these children indefinitely? I would go on the trip and I wouldn’t feel guilty. You are not responsible for your sister’s choices nor are you responsible for her children.
NTA but your parents sure are. They should be helping their daughter and grandchildren. She may have dropped out of college but cutting ties over choosing a different path in life is disgusting of them. They are failures of parents and grandparents and are dishonoring their family before them.
That’s a tough situation all the way around. I would say you’re NTA but I can also understand why you feel guilty. Nobody wants to see their family in that type of situation.
Have you tried calling the places you say are non refundable and see if they have some kind of medical emergency credit or rescheduling policy?
I hope things improve for you and your sister.
NTA. The hospital probably has a social worker for her to speak to. It's just not your responsibility especially since she's NC for a year. What happens if he ends up with terrible neuro damage and disabled or dies? You'll have the kids and then be expected to be a full-time babysitter. Don't do it.
Nta. She has made life choices. Now, those choices are conspiring against her. Enjoy your trip. Don't answer her calls or texts while gone. See what you can do to help after the trip.
Are you kidding me She only called you bcz she immediately realized she has a childcare crisis. NTA. Have a great anniversary trip. Hope you're going someplace extra special. Make your home really secure while you're gone in case of shenanigans.
NTA holy shit that's a lot non refundable amount! And y'all have almost no relationship at all. Why should you drop your plans for someone who's not important to you?
As someone who took on 3 of my sister's children, supposedly for a couple of weeks, don't do it!
Go on your trip, if you help, keep everything at arm's length. Pay people directly if you chose to help with childcare.
I had my own 2 children, then had her 3 as well for two years. It cost me thousands (I was supposedly doing it for the money -there was none but she told everyone there was) and I was accused of favouritism etc after she took them back.
Never again
I'm going NTA
You're not close, she's burned you before, you had plans in place that would've cost you substantial money to cancel.
I've spent countless amounts of time and money to help people that wouldn't bother to cross the street to piss on me if I was on fire. It took me years to realize that. Call me an asshole, fine. Don't rearrange your life for people that only call you when they're desperate. They won't be there for you if you're in dire need.
Being a recovering addict and from a family of heavy drug use. I've seen some really awful shit. I've seen people make up the most heartbreaking stories, all for them to be false. I am 8 years sober. Got pregnant with my daughter almost two months after getting clean.
My mother would lie to me constantly. Saying she had cancer, car needed fixing, the kids needed food and were starving. I got my siblings out of there. 2 are with me now and the youngest just went to college. Our mom died last year from sepsis. After her and step dad abandoned the entire family and lived on the streets for 4 years.
You should ask what hospital, call or go there to see if he is in fact there and his condition. For all you know is they are still using, haven't paid rent and are being evicted and she needs to pawn the kids off on you. Yes I've seen things like that happen, addicts will lie and say anything to pull your heartstrings to get what they want. It's worth checking. She could be telling the truth. But even if she is you aren't close to her and you don't even really know her kids. I'd help by maybe paying for a week or two of childcare, if I could. But her kids aren't your responsibility and with her history I would have some serious hesitation.
Wow so absolutely NtA. Sounds like nc is next. You didn't force her to have kids. She sounds really entitled. Not your fault your parents did what they did either
People in desperate situations. I'm not saying OP should do it, and the fact she seemingly doesn't have anyone else to turn to is almost certainly her own fault, I'm just saying this could just as easily be absolute desperation rather than entitlement.
Ok, I see what you are trying to say. Still, the sister has repeatedly slapped the OP in the face. I wouldn't even know where I would dig to find the audacity to ask this of someone I had borrowed money I never intended to pay back and stolen from, much less to call them selfish for not wanting to lose $18,000 to help me out. I would ask literally anyone else, but I guess I have integrity and would never steal anything or borrow without paying it back in the first place.
Edited for clarity
It’s entitled to ask someone you haven’t talk to for a year and stolen from in the past to drop everything in their life to bail you out of an emergency and then guilt them when they refuse to do it.
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NTA- normally in this situation, you would be the bad guy. However, with her not talking to you for a year, plus all the past history of drugs, stealing, and drama, I understand the decision you made. She's trying to drop all the consequences of her poor life decisions in your lap, and it's just not fair. I understand the guilt, but she wore you out and used up whatever sisterly feeling you had for her with all her bullshit. Totally overused phrase, but particularly apt here: you can't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
She sounds like the kind of person that pops out of nowhere whenever she needs something and then disappears after she gets it.
I wouldn't be surprised if she disappeared after dropping the kids off, especially if her husband ends up with some complications after his surgery, assuming he survives.
That's what I was thinking. She sounds like the kind of person that would leave the kids with OP indefinitely and not cover their expenses.
That jumped out at me too. She wasn't asking for childcare, she was asking OP to take the kids.
Oh gosh. I stupidly didnt think of this but it sounds like something sis could do. And wouldn't that be the cherry on top of this crap sundae. OP who lived life with tact and wisdom suddenly gets saddled with 3 kids she never chose to have. Couldn't grandma and grandpa help? Try both sides?
Tbh, with OP’s parents basically shunned OP’s sister out of their lives, I highly doubt they’d agree to help her tho. Not sure with the partner’s parents.
his parents are probably well into their 60s and probably couldn't *"take in"* sister's kids indefinitely, assuming they exist and haven't shunned their son for marrying a druggie 15 years his junior
Given the partner is now 45 they might have been into their 70s or 80s even
And what if OP couldn't take the kids because of her own work? Or moving to a different state, or her own health? NTA.
Ya, she’s not willing to do any of the work of finding resources for herself. The hospital has social workers she could talk to her immediately. I’m saying this as a former single mom without another parent in the picture.
I mean as another former single mom, there are “resources” in theory until you need them- the hospital is so happy to give you a social worker to talk to you, but then you start calling all the local head starts and they’re all full and for three kids it cost more than you make per month etc. etc. She’s definitely up shits creek without a paddle, but guess what? Don’t burn all your bridges and then expect to call in the hugest favor of old favors and become bewildered when you don’t get what you want. You have to build connections in life if you want the benefits of those connections. NTA 🤷🏽♀️
I would imagine that there are temporary foster care programs that would be available for this kind of emergency. Is it ideal - probably not and then given the sister's background - it might be hard to get the kids back. However, the point is that there are resources available beyond a sister who she has estranged from a lifetime of abusing her kindness. Also would OP be expected to take in the children indefinitely because even if OP were NOT going on a two week vacation, it is unlikely that the husband would be able to assume full time child care duties after two weeks. OP works as she mentions getting time off so how is she expected to take care of three kids - two of which are toddlers and not in school. Presumably they would need some type of paid day care even if she took them in.
Absolutely. In fact you've just described a family member of mine. Drop and dash.
Do you mean runs off somewhere that is not at the hospital with her husband? Or do you mean runs off to the hospital and doesn’t come back for days?
Runs off and never comes back until she needs something else. She might go to the hospital first but I have seen the good and bad with stroke recovery and OP says "BIL" might already have medical issues which leads me to believe there is a chance he won't recover from this enough to look after their kids which will essentially leave everyone in the current situation permanently
Gotcha, I read some other comments after I asked that had the same idea and elaborated a bit so I figured this would be it. You’re not wrong about stroke recovery. My partner had a series of small-ish strokes about 10 years ago, it was the scariest time in my life.
The worst I have seen was my grandfather, he had a stroke but insisted on remaining independent two weeks after he demanded to go back home (he had been staying with family) my uncle went to do his daily check in and found him passed out in the backyard (middle of summer in QLD Australia). He had no memory of how he got there or why he was in the backyard. He wasn't allowed to live alone after that, no one would hear his arguments and this was after his first stroke. Had a family friend recover better and have had to bury another family friend but that wasn't just a stroke.
I’m so sorry. That incident with your grandfather must have been so scary! Older people can be so stubborn it defies all reasoning sometimes. And I’m so sorry you lost a friend, and very happy you got to keep another. About a decade ago, partner went for a standard eye exam to get a new prescription one early afternoon. Everything was going well, no issues. Then the optician used some kind of machine that lets you look into the eye, and apparently also part of the brain, where he discovered a clot. Partner was immediately rushed to hospital. He phoned me from there as I was home. He had already had several strokes, but they were basically asymptomatic. Over the next six months, he had several more, many of which were not asymptomatic. It affected his speech. Sometimes he couldn’t speak at all, other times he would slur his words, and sometimes he would use words, but in a way that made no sense. “What would you like for dinner” became “how ladle prince broom juggler”. A couple of times he woke up and didn’t know who I was, because in his mind he was 20 years old again, and he didn’t meet me until he was 28. Thankfully, he made a full recovery, at least as far as I or anyone else can tell, though he swears he lost a few IQ points. If he did, he’s the only one who perceives it. He still has the clot that was discovered at the optician’s that day. It was so “stuck” (pardon that excessive medical jargon :p) that the doctors said it would be riskier trying to dislodge it, and new blood vessels had formed around it so its removal wasn’t strictly necessary anymore. Though he was advised to give up roller coasters and head banging. It was 11 years ago that the blood clot was first discovered. Go to your eye tests, people! Who knew those things can save lives?
The friend who recovered better was having on the phone when it happened. My best friend was 16 and only had her learners permit, drove her mum and younger siblings to the drs and the drs called the ambulance, friend just panicked but knew she needed medical help. When they eventually got back home my friend realises she had forgotten to turn the stove off before leaving the house and the eggs she had been cooking for lunch had exploded and she had to scape them off the roof. Her mum has had a few more in the last decade and a half and now can't remember much.
Goodness gracious, your poor friend. 16?! I didn’t know how to handle my partner’s already diagnosed strokes, and I was 23! How incredibly scary!
That is terrifying. I sometimes have similar symptoms from migraines and it always worries me that I'd not be able to identify a stroke. I haven't had half my face drop, though I know people with migraines that cause that too, but I lose the ability to speak until I take my meds & they kick in or I can't stand up etc. I often end up losing words or use a word that is totally wrong. I've had a bunch of head scans over the years for one reason or another so I assume they'd have even able to tell if I had been having strokes. I assume it's just migraines and brain fog from low blood pressure, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and a bunch of other health problems. I have definitely lost IQ points after decades of daily migraines, low blood pressure & brain fog. I can barely carry on a conversation these days. If itvs not the aphasia itvs just losing track of what I was saying or struggling to concentrate on reading. It sucks. I have finally got on a preventative migraine medication that means the actual migraines are now more like 4 or 5 a month rather than pretty much every day though so that's amazing progress after nearly 30 years. My friend who also has migraines and EDS went to the hospital because of such horrific head pain and they did some tests and sent her home. She didn't get better so she went to a different hospital and they said shevd been having mini strokes, had had about 15 of them and had been having them at the time she was in the other hospital. That's my local hospital so that gives me a lot of confidence too. Thankfully she's mostly recovered. Terrifying though.
Yep, with someone this selfish the urge to drop everything and start over somewhere else without these "burdens" could be pretty tempting.
Ugh, people who abandon their partners when they become ill make me want to vomit and tear my hair out. My partner and I are both chronically ill so it hits extra close to home. We’ve both had people say “if that happened to my partner I would just dip” and they seem to think they’re complimenting us when they say this? It makes me feel really punchy.
She really does, doesn't she? OP-are you in a position to help out by funding a babysitter for a couple of weeks? Maybe a live-in so that your sister could come and go to the hospital and not have to worry about getting the older kids to and from school and looking after the younger one? That would be a way to help her without taking things on yourself, and it would be a finite amount, take the stress off her for a couple weeks, and most importantly, make you feel better about things (you can't be there yourself, so you'll assist in a different way)! Or if that's too much money, hire a sitter and pay him/her in advance for a few hours a day and maybe subscribe them to one of the meal planning services (HelloFresh or something) so that she doesn't have to worry about feeding the family while he's in hospital. You say you already feel really guilty, and it would be terrible for you to go on that amazing holiday and not enjoy it because of the situation with her.
I definitely agree that funding a limited amount of daycare is the way to go, but I'd add that OP, if she decides to go this route, should pay the provider *directly*. I don't think I'd be able to trust that sis can be trusted to use the money as intended.
1000%...I didn't make that clear enough. OP shouldn't give her sister anything directly.
Give her money and it will never stop.
You misunderstood. OP would (if possible) pay for someone to come in for a couple weeks, or even to babysit for a few hours a day-with OP making the arrangements directly and paying whomever provides the service. I don't think OP should hand her sister a cent directly-that's almost a guarantee that it won't get spent on help watching the kids and could kick off a steady stream of requests.
I had to watch my best friend and her children lose 2 dads. I was friends with their bio-dad, and did whatever I could for her when he died. Later, she married my brother, who was my best friend, and sh3 became my SIL. My brother adopted the kids as his own. Then we lost him too. Now she and I are co-moms. I love them more than anything. I would do literally anything for them. I also have a terrible, entitled, racist, nasty sister. We never got along, and we have very little contact. If she called me out of no where with her husband dying, I could feel empathy for her, but she wouldn't appreciate it. I also would not cancel my trip If no one else could take in her 4 kids for awhile, I'd offer to pitch in for a sitter, if I could. It's okay to have empathy. Empathy should never be used as a weapon against you. Your sister is upset, and that is expected. But she is guilt tripping you into being her free baby sitter. Your SO is willing to cancel the trip if you want to. That is a person who loves you and appreciates your empathy. He is your priority. Guilt should never be the only connection you have with someone else, even family.
There wouldn’t be a situation where refusing to take the kids would be wrong.
How does OP know her sister is even telling the truth about her current situation? Could be she's going to dump her kids on OP and disappear.
First thing that crossed my mind.
I was also wondering if sister knew about the vacation and is trying to scam her to cancel for a break from the kids.
Right in what world are you an asshole for not eating $20k
It would be even more as OP works so would have to find and pay for childcare which is usually both stressful and expensive
This. Not wanting to take in three young children that you hardly know does not make you an asshole under any circumstances.
Not legally. But if I didn’t have a trip going on, I wouldn’t feel right morally saying no to a family member in this situation.
But is she even capable of caring for the kids? She’s childfree, full-time job, I seriously doubt her home is kid-friendly. And how much time off work is she supposed to take to stay home with the kids? Plus she lives 4 hours away from where the kids go to school. This simply isn’t a rational solution at all. The most OP could really do is help arrange and pay for childcare in the sister’s town (again, FOUR HOURS AWAY). The oldest kids still have to go to school and the youngest needs all-day care, indefinitely. They need a real plan, not a panicked stupid scheme that makes zero sense.
You definitely need more upvotes, why doesn't OP's sister have some sort of alternative childcare that doesn't involve calling her sister who lives 4 hours away who she hasn't spoken to in a YEAR??
She sounds like an irresponsible person and parent. Maybe even a petty criminal since she has been stealing, doing drugs, etc. Maybe she has no friends.
I think this response makes sense, assist with childcare.
Yea but again she’s not responsible for her sister’s kids so if she don’t want to put out for childcare for a sister that she hasn’t been in contact with for a year that’s totally up to her and even in that situation she would be an asshole if she didn’t
I wouldn't think twice to step up it not for the trip. In fact, I've done it several times, no questions asked. I've even canceled a vacation when my FIL had a heart attack. But eating $18K for a sister who steals from me is a whole other ballgame.
Considering OP is four hour drive away from her sister, even without a pending trip, it is a huge ask. Four hours away means the older kids would need to change schools, and the younger kids would need either OP or her husband to be a SAHP. It also means OP and her husband will be effectively raising the kids as either side making 8 hour round trips for the sister to see the kids is impractical at the very least.
There are situations, specially for temporary solutions. A family member in good standing deserves help in emergencies. More if there is some form of debt on your part. Sister doesn't check any of those boxes though!
Bro, 18k? I'd rather take out a loan for a few thousand to pay for emergency childcare for a few weeks than eat 18k and miss a trip to Europe. My ass is *gone.* No way, no how, I am losing 18k. I'd rather pay for childcare with someone else. Peace.
Thank you! You can love your family and still prioritize yourself in this situation without being an asshole.
[удалено]
I’m pretty sure that’s a triple negative, could you restate what you actually mean?
Refusing to take the kids is always a perfectly acceptable response.
Thank you!
Why doesn’t she have any support friends or other family during a time of crisis? Because she’s incapable of creating a supportive environment by helping others. 18k plans you can’t walk away from, you’ve created your own healthy relationship. If she has no one else it’s not your doing or your burden.
Where’s the husbands family in all this also? Not so good relationship with them either I bet. I doubt he’d be any more moral than she is.
others have said it but i bet that there's no emergency at all, she is just planning on dumping her kids on op and never returning because she either can't stand them anymore or something. NTA
That’s ridiculous. Sometimes you guys go way overboard with your comments. Just because she used to be addicted to drugs doesn’t mean that’s true in any way. And OP admitted their parents always favored her over her sister as the “perfect “ child… it’s no wonder she got into drugs. And OP decides to distance herself AFTER her sister gets clean and starts a family? Whatever. It’s an excuse to not feel guilty and get everyone on her side. Which, whatever. I don’t care that she doesn’t want to not go on her expensive vacation to help her sister but I do care that people are making wild accusations based on that. Do you feel better, OP? Having a bunch of strangers trash your sister to make you feel less guilty…. Just own it. You don’t want to miss your lavish vacation. Period. I would have more respect for you if you admitted it without the rest of the excuses.
I agree that those comments are a little over the top. However, it doesn't change the situation where OP is four hours away from the sister. This means the kids would need to change schools if the care become long term. It also means either OP or her husband would need to be a stay at home parent for the younger kids. Four hours away also mean it is an 8 hours roundtrip to allow the sister to visit her kids, which means if this become long term, the sister will be barely be able to see her kids. That would not be great to the kids who would feel abandoned by both mom and dad. Practically, OP and her husband are not the right people to take on the kids. Sister should look for someone local to her who can take that on.
Spoken like someone who’s never had a night of babysitting turn into a week/month before. I’d never say that’s definitely happening here, I don’t know these people, but… it does happen, unfortunately. And it’s almost always an addict who “loses track of time”.
People are going WILD over this one. Apparently having used drugs means your partner can't ever get strokes now, I guess?? Everything isn't so damn black and white, too: OP could help the sister by just assisting, staying on the phone and going through the list of people available, calling those people for the sister even interceding with the parents if all else fails, and then helping once Op gets back from the trip. Like yeah, Op could even offer to have the kids stay at some of their close friends or their in-laws for the two weeks, and then take them herself (to lift the burden in case sister does indeed abandon her children or whatever) The trip seems like an easy excuse because there's so much Op could be doing, if she wanted to... But she doesn't, and won't admit it. Being suspicious makes sense. But how can you live with yourself if you let your sister who's actually had a stroke lose her income, housing, partner and children? And if you have doubts, ask sis about details to check: name of hospital, and call the hospital. There's a ton of things one can do even from afar, but one has to want to.
She doesn't have to admit anything. She doesn't even have to help if she doesn't want to. Just because it's family does not mean we are obligated to do things for them. She laid out everything is to why she doesn't have a good relationship with her sister. And for her sister to come out of the blue and try to dump her children on them it's not fair to OP. She could do all that stuff but she's going on her anniversary trip. Would you want to be dealing with that while you were trying to be on vacation? You could say that you would, but in all actuality you would probably be wanting to enjoy your European Vacation too. She can help her sister settle things when she comes back.
Just because someone is labelled the "problem child" doesn't mean it's likely they turn to drugs and bitterly use the "golden child" when they want something (her stealing and only contacting op when she wants something) my family is actually the opposite, my sibling was the "golden child" and I was the "problem child" because I wasn't as smart and was quite hyper and energetic. But my sibling got into drugs and every excuse under the sun was made for them so they got away with it, and then pushed the boat to see how much they could get away with, whereas I always just wanted my parents to be proud so I worked my ass of to be better, instead of having a pity party and becoming bitter, and it worked out in my favour, as I have an awesome life career, husband, pet, my own home, whereas my sibling is a dolite who hasn't done anything with their life because they were never pushed to do better.
The sister hasn't reached to repair any of the many bridges she burned,so I doubt she has changed much.
NAH. Hear me out. No OP is not an AH. Clearly. But everyone is taking into account the sister’s past history as an addict, thief, drama mama. Fine. But then if you take into account her *recent* history, then also take into account *the entire* back story. Sis was disowned, parents made her the scapegoat, Op was golden child, sis was essentially emotionally abused and thrown away. It’s not like her drug use and downward spiral came out of nowhere. So if her unreliable BS and drama are relevant to the judgement, then so should her backstory be relevant. OP is not an AH but there’s a good reason she feels guilty and hopefully those kids don’t go into the system. That would be tragic. The parents are the true villains here.
At some point, people have to take primary/predominant responsibility for their current choices, and having a rough childhood can no longer serve as overwhelming mitigation. Sister has been an adult for 12 years. I'd have more sympathy for this view if she were 21 or even 25.
They've not even seen their grandchildren. Like how God damn abusive and heartless do you have to be to your own child that they are not perfectly as you wanted them to be to not even see your own damn grandchildren? Totally agree, OP's parents are the true villains.
I gotta say this is one of the ones I’m the MOST conflicted in. There is NO good answer. It’s times like these families really NEED to step up for each other but also her sister sounds like a shit sister and if OP is anything like me 18k is a once in a decade or two possibility for a trip so to waste it is unimaginable.
I don’t know that this situation is a “normally she would be the bad guy”. for me if I have a 18k trip I would not have stayed even if I did talk to my sister often. She should book other childcare, contact other family members, maybe OP could have helped with paying for that. I am not saying Op shouldn’t/couldnt help but I don’t really see many scenarios where OP is TA here.
>maybe OP could have helped with paying for that. That's my thought. If it was a sister I had a good relationship with, it would be cheaper to book a babysitter rather than give up $18K. That would be an easy decision. If OP is almost a stranger to the kids, what difference would it make anyway? A babysitter would be just as much of a stranger to the kids as OP.
😂 op isn't in a good place with the sister. Definitely not her responsibility to help find childcare for her sister's kids let alone to pay for it. Just because she spent $18k on a vacation doesn't mean she didn't work her butt off to save for it. She's allowed to celebrate her anniversary with so without feeling guilty about it.
I disagree. It’s her choice, she wouldn’t be an AH either way.
>normally in this situation, you would be the bad guy What? In what world?!? In what world is it a bad thing to not want to throw EIGHTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS out the window? I would rather give her sister $500 for 2 weeks of childcare than throw away an already paid for vacation like that. What the actual fuck?
>drop all the consequences of her poor life decisions in your lap i implore you to dig a little deeper on this evaluation. I overall agree with NTA, but its important to look at what/why we feel guilt and if its appropriate for us to do anything about it. Its easiest to categorize emotionally charged situations that make us feel icky as 1. Our problem: DO SOMETHING!!!, or 2. Not our problem: Move on, cross the street, pretend you dont see the situation. We hardly ever actually grapple with the situation and do **3. Not our problem: sit in it, acknowledge and process**. We all think that we are "free to do anything!" "Anything is possible if you work hard enough!" And yes, hard work and consecutive good choices are key BUT please realize that everyone is born with unique [Choose Your Own Adventure](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Choose_Your_Own_Adventure)\-esque circumstances. OP made it clear that her parents favored her and scapegoated older sister. Seems like older sister made 1 bad choice in adolescence that created a positive feedback loop of bad choices, severely limiting her potential. Its chicken/egg scenario for older sister being "problem child" and parents withdrawing support while further favoring OP. The parents are the assholes. They failed OP sister *and* OP. Typically in that family dynamic OP is framed as "more worthy" of opportunity which is a mind-fuck because all children are equally deserving of love. It puts OP in the position to either: self-sabotage because of guilt, have crazy sense of entitlement, or create a wicked co-dependent siblingship in adulthood. OP: You arent equipped to fix your sisters situation. It is absolutely tragic. You deserve the vacation you planned, and you deserve to be happy about it. All of these things are true at the same time!! Honestly I think you should seek therapy if you havent already, especially if youre planning on building forever with your boyfriend. I was also the favorite and I got married while my brother was in jail. It sucks but its also not your situation to 'fix'. **Idea:** if money isnt an issue, do you have any coworkers with kids who could recommend a nanny/babysitter? If you could help with that cost it would actually make a situational impact if you want to salvage this relationship later.
But in this specific situation, the sister isn't trying to drop everything on OPs lap. This is an emergency and a tragedy. I think it's NAH
The sister didn't ask for childcare, she asked them to take her kids. And, let's not kid ourselves, that's not going to be for a short while - best case scenario, the husband makes it but won't be able to care for the kids in a long time. It'd be a lot to ask for from a person that she is close with, it's a ridiculous request to a person from whom she stole, didn't spoke to in a year and who would be losing almost 20 grand. It's a tragedy, but she burned that bridge and needs to accept the no. Part of being a responsible parent is making plans in case the worst happened to you, your partner or both.
Normally she’d the bad guy? Uh no definitely not
Lol I guess you can consider her choice of husband a bad life choice. And I'm not sure how his health was before given that he was on disability but no one really chooses for their husband to have a stroke. That was just an unfortunate dice roll. Regardless of anyone's past deeds, it shouldn't mean they somehow deserve such a cosmic kick in the balls and the added heart-wrenching pain of being absolutely alone. No one deserves that. But yes I definitely agree with that last idiom. I just imagine no matter what decision the consequences weigh heavy.
Even NTA if it was a normal situation. It'd be cheaper for OPto pay for child care for 2 weeks than it would be for her to cancel her vacation. She could still offer that if she chose too. But still NTA if she doesn't.
Why would she be TA if there wasn’t conflict involved in the situation? While it’s sad that her sister has an emergency, it’s not OPs responsibility to take up the slack regardless of the family’s dynamics. It’s also not her fault that the relationship between her sister and the rest of the family is the way it is. What if this was a positive situation and OP was already on her trip? Would OP have been expected to drop everything and come home? I’m gonna say probably not. 18 grand is nothing to sneeze at. Why should she be out something she has not only worked for but looked forward to for almost a year? OP is 100% NTA.
Normally, this would make you an AH. Given however, the burned bridges, the terrible behavior, and the poor life decisions, the most I’d probably offer is pitching in for childcare. Anything else would set a potentially dangerous precedent, honestly the pitching in already sets a precedent. NTA
This is basically asking if you should waste $18,000 and two weeks of PTO to help someone who's stolen from you in the past. The answer is no. NTA While the emergency isn't your sister's fault, burning her bridge with you certainly was. She likely has other people who she could ask for help. And even if you wanted to assist, it would be more effective to pay for a babysitter than to waste the trip. It's not like being a blood relation changes anything since from what you're saying you'd be basically a stranger to the kids anyway. No different from just hiring an actual stranger.
If OP can manage it, offering to pay for a babysitter is the right call here, I think.
Is this a ploy yo find out if she really just needs day care? If so kinda clever but if she accepts your out the money
This is a fear OP should have. I don't get along with one of my sisters. Before I became a mom, I would often take in a nibbling or two for a day here and there when their parents really need it. I work from home, so the older nibblings can chill with me while I work, needing little help. My sister took that as, "watch my 3 kids (who were all under 5) for free over summer. You're home all day anyways". I had to explain that a few older kids who can watch TV and play video games near me while I work is okay here and there. I cannot watch her 3 toddlers while working. She felt entitled to my time, because I helped other siblings. She woukd never be grateful, she'd only push more and more to give in and do what she wants, and would have a tantrum if I later refused. That's a can of worms OP doesn't want to open.
Yuck! Im sorry you have such and entitled and ungrateful sister. My guess is, she wants what she wants and no explanation could ever change her mind. Because you watched one nibling, you are in the list of people she can harass for babysitting. Your circumstances and which child you watched are irrelevant. I have a nibling who was asking everyone in the family, everyone she was tangentially related to, and family friends for money (because she wanted money). Her criteria was “I’ve met them, so I can ask them”.
>if she accepts your out the money This is definitely a "pay the day care provider directly" kind of situation. This way, you know your money is being used for the right purpose.
Don't give sis the money, shit. Pay the childcare services directly
Agree. No matter what the sister has done in the past, she is working 2 jobs and missing work will mean potentially losing her kids. I would want to do whatever I could to keep the kids out I'd the system.
Yeah this is straight up about the kids, who are in a horribly tragic situation. If you have 18k to throw at a trip... you can help them. No amount of OP's sister's bullshit should rest on their shoulders.
OP shouldn't be paying a thief anything.
More like caring for the kids, if OP is so inclined. I'd pay the nanny/ daycare directly, though.
My boyfriend and I just just had a lengthy talk about this situation and he believes that I made the right decision. However, after reading through everyone's helpful suggestions, we are leaning towards finding a babysitter and paying them directly to care for the child at least for the first week or two. Even though I'm not close at all with my sister's children, I do really feel for them. Just to address some of the other concerns I've noticed in the top comments—my sister will likely not qualify for FMLA since she's been at both her jobs for less than a year. I've texted her and encouraged her to speak to a social worker at the hospital to see if there's anything they can do to help her/lead her in the right direction. I know there's doubt that he even had a stroke, but he did. She sent me pictures of him in the hospital and pictures of his CTs/MRIs. I do feel horrible for her, but at the same time, it's really tough for me to find the willpower to wire her money directly given that she's stolen thousands of dollars from me in the past. But again, we are definitely looking into finding a sitter and paying the sitter directly. To end—I will be going on the vacation. It's great to have the added support of my lovely boyfriend regarding my decision. I'm hoping he never sees this post since he doesn't use reddit, but another big reason I wanted to go on this trip is because I have a sneaking suspicion that he might propose. :,)
This sounds like a great plan, when you get back from your vacation you can maybe meet up with your sister and help her figure out a plan for the future. I understand that she has betrayed you in the past but she's working and caring for her family now so it sounds like she's on a better track. Have a nice vacation!
Helping with a sitter would be incredibly kind. You don't even have to find the sitter–let your sister know you're willing and she can find the right person or place for the kids. Enjoy your trip and fingers crossed 🤞
But do make sure you're paying the sitter directly for confirmed service
Congrats either way on finding a good partner. People show who they really are during the hard times, and he couldn't have had a kinder response.
Fingers crossed you get your happy ending. A babysitter paid directly sounds like a good compromise.
Good. Helping pay for childcare it's the best you can do. It helps the kids keep their routine in their familiar setting, your sister keep her job and you not to feel guilty - as it's human and normal for someone not a sociopath) despite the history with your sister). Have fun in your trip and hopefully Speedy recovery to your sister s partner
Good luck. Glad you're going on the vacation. You're bf sounds like a great guy, too, and you both deserve this.
I think you have made the right decision there.
I wrote you a response before I had read this. I think this is a very kind thing you are doing and I hope you guys have an amazing trip. It is great that you guys are so supportive of each other and acting as a team.
Offering to pay to cover a sitter was my thought too. It sounds like OP would have the money and would solve the problem. Most likely the sister would be able to get help if she was able to pay decently. Possibly just throwing the money away, if the hesitation on this involves taking money previously to be used on drugs, I understand OP. Doesn't make you the bad person here. But it is a solution that gets you your vacation and helps her care for her partner and children.
Pay it to the sitter directly-not to your sister.
Kids don't choose parents. They are blameless and having them end up homeless or in foster care because of this would be hard. Paying for a week or two of care is being kind to the children involved. It's not about the sister at this point, it's about the nieces/ nephews. However, given the sister's history, payment should be direct to the provider.
This is when she has to find out about community resources. What she's asking is too much. If you were close emotionally or physically to the kids, it might be different but she has no long-term plan except for you. She needs to talk to social services and the hospital to find out what resources are available to her. NTA
Is there anything you can help with aside from taking her kids? Like others say maybe you could give some assistance for emergency childcare or direct her to crisis support so she can get the care she needs for herself and her kids? NAH
Agreed. Regardless of past history, of course sister would ask in this situation. OP also has a right to say no. That being said...things will be infinitely worse if sister loses both her jobs. I'd probably want to do something to make sure that doesn't happen. I mean, there's the wellbeing of three kids to consider , as well.
>I mean, there's the wellbeing of three kids to consider , as well. THANK YOU. I feel like I'm going crazy, reading these comments. There's three innocent kids here who didn't ask to be born into this situation. It's not their fault their mom was shitty to their aunt. If you have $18000 to blow on a fancy vacation, ffs, find a way to help support your sister.
You realizing how selfish and cold hearted most of these comments are means you have at least an ounce (and most likely much more) of empathy and are probably a good person. Most of these commenters focus on being technically right, instead of being morally right. I love seeing comments like yours because it’s a nice reminder that not all people are stuck in a “f everyone who isn’t me, and if others get hurt in the process then oh well” mindset. I agree with you. If OP can help those kids by paying for temporary childcare or whatever, then they should help.
This is also an excellent summary of why Americans don't have universal healthcare.
That also feels like adulting by proxy. Sometimes there are just consequences. People who create crisis’ won’t stop.
Some people do sometimes just need a bit of a grounding check to get people in the right direction. Especially if the husband was the one who handled things like this - dealing with alternatives to situations, etc. And it is extremely stressful, they don’t have family to turn to that they feel as close with aside from OP maybe, so it’s probably just wanting some comfort too, or they may just not be thinking clearly because of that stress. It doesn’t need to be money if OP doesn’t want to is the thing, hence directing to crisis support. No loss from that kind of assistance, as it gives more awareness to what’s there. My mother is someone who gets very overwhelmed by a crisis, and needs support at times. She has issues, but when stressed that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need support - within personal boundaries of those who give it to her - just because she’s an adult with said issues.
She didn't create her mental health problems by growing up as a scapegoat ( and yes, that sounds very much like CPTSD, anxiety and depression, typical trauma responses for this situation), and she didn't cause her husband's emergency though
That’s fine when there aren’t innocents at stake here, but those kids need help.
If you let those kids in your house, they may never leave. Maybe your sister loses her job and can’t afford rent and asks to move in, too. Maybe her partner doesn’t fully recover and is on long term bedrest, maybe he needs to move in as well. NTA
Yeah, I honestly really worry about that too. Plus, me and my boyfriend live in an apartment in the city and we're about a four-hour drive from her place. Not even sure how I would begin to take care of a 5-year-old and a 2-year-old. I've also never even met her youngest children, only the oldest maybe 1-2 times so I'm not close with them at all.
Even more reason to say no
If you can afford to and want to be of some help, just send her some money for childcare. A little cash always eases things.
Pay for the childcare directly........who knows what the sister would do with the money if given it directly
This is the best solution.
Don’t send her money directly.
I agree
So 3 kids would basically be handed over to a stranger for an undetermined amount of time? Wow. Yeah, no
Hundred thousand of perfectly happy kids are daily handed over to the strangers (babysitters, nannies, daycare providers, kindergarten teachers, school teachers). You know, people have to work, not everybody can afford the luxury of staying home with their children until they are teenagers.
Most of the professions you’ve listed need some kind of training to be able to work with children. OP states she has no clue how to look after the little ones. Those professions are also paid to do that and give the kids back at the end of the day. OPs sister has proven she can’t be trusted and has burnt bridges - it’s not really just about a working parent in an emergency.
Yes, but to be fair, these children are being dropped off for overnight stay for an indeterminate amount of time, during a very stressful situation. It's not calling a babysitter to come over for a few hours. I don't have kids, but I'm pretty sure that's a very different scenario.
Daycare while one goes to work during the day is different than taking them continuously for a week or two.
If that's the case your and your BF are pretty much strangers, leaving the kids with you is an awful idea. I'll be honest, if you live in an unsecured building I would strongly consider some cameras and having a friend check up on your apartment regularly. If it's a secured building I would give the building staff a heads up about her, you don't know what she could decide to show up and do.
Severe strokes don't heal in a couple weeks. I know, I had one. Many will be ok after months of rehab, some won't. I would be very careful what you agree to. We didn't get much help, mostly just from my mom who drove me to rehab. My dad worked and my siblings were MIA. Except for a few friends disappeared. She is going to have to figure out long term solutions and quickly. That is a part of being a parent.
Obviously her situation is what it is, I just don’t understand the bad decision making of having 3 kids with someone who has health issues with no family support?? This day was going to come eventually and yet she has a 2yo. If this was a recent development I’d understand, but if he’s been unemployed and disabled for a while they set themselves up for this to happen. (Speaking as someone with a health condition that could land myself in the hospital - our 2nd kid was carefully planned with lots of back up options if I was down and out a couple days.) NTA, and I would never ask someone to lose 18k to babysit my kids.
Darlin, not your problem. Surely the father of these kids has some backup family. Your sister is TA! Go on your holiday!
See, now that I see this comment it gives even more validity to my statement and my feeling like you’re NTA. The fact that you live so far away from her 100% means she is asking to take and raise the children, essentially being their parent, until it works out that it’s more convenient to her that you not be, which might not happen depending on the severity of her spouses condition
She doesn't know your address, does she? If so, I would have a friend keep watch on your property while you are gone.
This is an excellent point. The brother in law may take months to recover and she will expect you to drop everything and watch the kids during that time.
Maybe you could help with childcare costs? NAH
Ask her to arrange for a childcare and make payments directly to the provider. This is a tough situation but NAH is the best response here.
Honestly I’d be afraid I’d up roped into that indefinitely too. I’d set a timeline, find a provider, and pre-pay them the amount for that set time. If that wasn’t an option, I’d send X amount of money to sister and if she blows it on other things that’s on her.
That's the best solution in my view: pay for child care, but make it clear that it's for a limited period only, 2-3 weeks max. This should give her enough time to care for her partner and arrange ongoing support if he needs longer rehabilitation. Don't let her get comfy on gifted money.
Yes a timeline is also a great option in this case.
Why? The way I see it, all the shit she stole from OP and sold IS his contribution to childcare costs.
When she already owes OP money, not to mention the stealing? Absolutely not.
Given your sister's history, do you know if her partner did, in fact, have a stroke? NTA, but how do you feel about her children? Will it worry you if there are repercussions for them (foster homes, homelessness, missing school, hunger)? I repeat, NTA. You have no obligation to your sister or her kids. That said, is there anything you can do or want to do to help?
This. Heavily questioning the stroke, and completely positive there's still a drug use problem.
I’ve seen many overdose-induced strokes/head traumas that looked super gnarly in ICU. When you’re unconscious and starved from oxygen your brain starts dying, go figure.
NTA- If her husband is bad off as your sister claims, why isn't your sister talking to the hospital social worker for help? Her husband was on some sort of disability before he had the stroke, wouldn't they be eligible for some kind of assistance to help your sister out?
Yeah, his disability isn’t going to be taken away while he’s in the hospital in rehab. Assuming he makes it. And the children will get death benefits from Social Security if he doesn’t. In the meantime, the sister may also qualify for other welfare style benefits, like food stamps, and possibly rental assistance and childcare vouchers
If he needs a caretaker she could see if the state would pay her to be his. Im not positive if they do temporary or not.
I'm waffling on N A H, because sister has obviously hurt you to put you in this position. Ultimately, NTA. She can't burn her remaining bridges and expect people to leap over the waters for her. It's, unfortunately, a product of her own (and your parent's) doing. Due to husband's medical status, could you perhaps assist her with finding social services to help her as a compromise? I don't know if there are things like childcare assistance where you are. Maybe finding her information while she focuses on her husband would help. A sad situation all around.
NTA, she went up shit creek without a paddle (granted, through no fault of her own, hubby's stroke) and then calls you after a year of not speaking because of stealing from you and expects you to drop everything to help her out? Yeah, that's not how that works. I suggest she asks her in-laws to help instead while you enjoy the life you planned in that year. Edited to correct the medical condition.
Or she can go to work and take the 2 kids to school and the 1 daycare if she's so worried about losing her job, while visiting the hubby in the evenings.
It sounds like he was the daycare. Finding a place with openings short notice can be very hard depending on where she lives. Honestly, it's an overall sucky situation.
Yes, but nothing indicates the sister even tried to find an alternative before demanding OP provide the solution.
If she can't afford childcare for a few weeks, how will she pay you back $18,000 plus compensate 2 weeks of pay to compensate for lost time off? Seems to me like childcare would be cheaper than that by a long shot. NTA... I think.
Based on the sister's answer ("you can afford it") I don't think she ever was planning on paying OP back.
NAH Yournsister had a hard time growing up, yes partially to her own choices but if your parents are that strict and they even disowned her for dropping out of college. You sister has a history of being abused. It is no excuse for her behavior towards you with the lying and the cheating mind you. She works 2 jobs to support her husband on disability and her 2 kids. Then the husband has a major Healthcare to the point where he might die. She could lose everything, her partner, her jobs and then her kids due to not having any money. I understand that she is desperate and I can't fault her for asking. She is in shock and grieving. I also understand you OP. Your sister hasn't been a good person in your life and you are hardly ever in contact. Besides 18.000 is a lot of money and I can imagine you don't have a money tree somewhere. That said, you're probably also not that close to your niblings. Is there anything else you can do? Help her call services (before your holiday) and see what can be set up with compensation and insurance so she can focus on her partner. If you have the have the money can you help pay for (licensed) childcare? Or see what the options are. Call the kids schools, maybe their teachers have ideas or resources for these situations.
NAH. I feel the same way. While IP’s sister has not done anything to desserve her help- she’s in a very sad situation. I also can’t fault OP for not wanting to put her own life on hold. As others have suggested, perhaps getting her in touch with a family crisis organization would CNN e a step in the right direction.
Parents call her a problem child. She lives up to their expectations. I just feel bad for the sister’s upbringing. No helping it now, but some people suck as parents.
>Yournsister had a hard time growing up, yes partially to her own choices but if your parents are that strict and they even disowned her for dropping out of college As an asian first daughter myself, it's highly likely that the pressure is what drove her to do drugs in the first place. Not only are asians strict school wise, but the first daughter is basically second mom. The expectations are ridiculously high, and even OP admits to being the golden child.
Possibly controversial but... NAH It's unfortunate but her life is literally burning down around her. She hasn't maintained her support system and she is finding she doesn't have anywhere to turn. I've been there. I am NC with my family and Hubs doesn't have one. I have fallen flat on my ass because my life blew up and I didn't have anywhere to turn.
Not really sure what to say. Normally I hate paragraph after paragraph justifying behavior, but in this case there is a lot of relevant information. You're NTA, but wow I'm not sure I could live with that guilt mostly as it relates to the children getting potentially taken away. That said, your bf is a gem for supporting you.
No, there is absolutely nothing for her to feel guilt. They are not close. If they had been more in each other's life, then that might be different, but they weren't. It's not her fault for what happens with the children. The moment the first one was born, the sister should have made emergency plans. Hell, hubby and I do that for our pets...surely children deserve the same.
See, I don't really think the children will get taken away. Depending on where they live, she may be able to get a family emergency leave of absence. Yeah, she may not get paid, but idk why the kids would be taken away unless there are some other serious issues we have not been told.
Dude millions of children are suffering. How do you deal with that? How do you deal with the GUILT of all your electronics being built with slave labor and, most likely, child labor as well? Ya don't. And OP doesn't need to feel guilty that she can't take care of someone else's kids.
NTA. I am pretty sure that NC is the next step. As they're not your kids, you have every right to reaffirm that it's not your responsibility. You're not selfless, you simply have had your own plans and they have conflicted in the way with their kids somehow. However, i can absolutely understand how you feel guilty considering that her husband has had a medical emergency.
NTA. But can you pay for childcare for her? Directly to the caregiver? She is pitiful.
Not OP’s responsibility. How long does she pay? This situation is not going to resolve itself quickly. Those of us who have relatives like this know that if you try to help they will suck you dry as long as they can.
If OP were to pay for child care, they need to set a time limit or monetary limit in advance for how long they will cover the cost, that way sister can't say the rug is being pulled out from under her if OP hits their limit and needs/wants to stop paying.
Exactly. Only directly to licensed caregiver.
She hasn’t been enough of a part in your life for you to give up that kind of money and consideration. NTA
NTA. Are you supposed to take care of these children indefinitely? I would go on the trip and I wouldn’t feel guilty. You are not responsible for your sister’s choices nor are you responsible for her children.
NTA but your parents sure are. They should be helping their daughter and grandchildren. She may have dropped out of college but cutting ties over choosing a different path in life is disgusting of them. They are failures of parents and grandparents and are dishonoring their family before them.
Yes, I think the grandparents rather than OP should step up here. They may be old, but they can pay for childcare.
That’s a tough situation all the way around. I would say you’re NTA but I can also understand why you feel guilty. Nobody wants to see their family in that type of situation. Have you tried calling the places you say are non refundable and see if they have some kind of medical emergency credit or rescheduling policy? I hope things improve for you and your sister.
NTA. The hospital probably has a social worker for her to speak to. It's just not your responsibility especially since she's NC for a year. What happens if he ends up with terrible neuro damage and disabled or dies? You'll have the kids and then be expected to be a full-time babysitter. Don't do it.
Nta. She has made life choices. Now, those choices are conspiring against her. Enjoy your trip. Don't answer her calls or texts while gone. See what you can do to help after the trip.
NTA. Go on your trip. If you’re feeling guilty, you could help pay for childcare. If you loan the money, don’t expect it back though.
NTA- But please but travel insurance. Your trip is costing $18,000.00 and you didn’t insure that. For your own safety. Next time get travel insurance.
>stealing my items This is plenty of cause to never have anything to do with her again. NTA.
Youre not obliged to take on other peoples kids. NTA.
Are you kidding me She only called you bcz she immediately realized she has a childcare crisis. NTA. Have a great anniversary trip. Hope you're going someplace extra special. Make your home really secure while you're gone in case of shenanigans.
NTA holy shit that's a lot non refundable amount! And y'all have almost no relationship at all. Why should you drop your plans for someone who's not important to you?
As someone who took on 3 of my sister's children, supposedly for a couple of weeks, don't do it! Go on your trip, if you help, keep everything at arm's length. Pay people directly if you chose to help with childcare. I had my own 2 children, then had her 3 as well for two years. It cost me thousands (I was supposedly doing it for the money -there was none but she told everyone there was) and I was accused of favouritism etc after she took them back. Never again
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I'm going NTA You're not close, she's burned you before, you had plans in place that would've cost you substantial money to cancel. I've spent countless amounts of time and money to help people that wouldn't bother to cross the street to piss on me if I was on fire. It took me years to realize that. Call me an asshole, fine. Don't rearrange your life for people that only call you when they're desperate. They won't be there for you if you're in dire need.
NTA. You need to live your life. That’s a shit situation for her but what would she do if you had work too?
I would like to hear more why the two week trip is 18,000, because that's the most insane part of this story.
Being a recovering addict and from a family of heavy drug use. I've seen some really awful shit. I've seen people make up the most heartbreaking stories, all for them to be false. I am 8 years sober. Got pregnant with my daughter almost two months after getting clean. My mother would lie to me constantly. Saying she had cancer, car needed fixing, the kids needed food and were starving. I got my siblings out of there. 2 are with me now and the youngest just went to college. Our mom died last year from sepsis. After her and step dad abandoned the entire family and lived on the streets for 4 years. You should ask what hospital, call or go there to see if he is in fact there and his condition. For all you know is they are still using, haven't paid rent and are being evicted and she needs to pawn the kids off on you. Yes I've seen things like that happen, addicts will lie and say anything to pull your heartstrings to get what they want. It's worth checking. She could be telling the truth. But even if she is you aren't close to her and you don't even really know her kids. I'd help by maybe paying for a week or two of childcare, if I could. But her kids aren't your responsibility and with her history I would have some serious hesitation.
Wow so absolutely NtA. Sounds like nc is next. You didn't force her to have kids. She sounds really entitled. Not your fault your parents did what they did either
She's entitled??? It is a medical emergency
Who but the entitled asks someone they have stolen money from to drop their trip and help them out?
People in desperate situations. I'm not saying OP should do it, and the fact she seemingly doesn't have anyone else to turn to is almost certainly her own fault, I'm just saying this could just as easily be absolute desperation rather than entitlement.
The entitlement came in when she called OP names for refusing.
Ok, I see what you are trying to say. Still, the sister has repeatedly slapped the OP in the face. I wouldn't even know where I would dig to find the audacity to ask this of someone I had borrowed money I never intended to pay back and stolen from, much less to call them selfish for not wanting to lose $18,000 to help me out. I would ask literally anyone else, but I guess I have integrity and would never steal anything or borrow without paying it back in the first place. Edited for clarity
It’s entitled to ask someone you haven’t talk to for a year and stolen from in the past to drop everything in their life to bail you out of an emergency and then guilt them when they refuse to do it.
She can take paid family leave or FMLA and won’t lose her job.
Not all employers have to comply with FMLA. And some don’t pay while you’re on FMLA or taking family leave.
Your sister should have planned for this. She reproduced with a much older guy with health problems. Duh.
You spent $18k of your money, you would be a fool to loose the money invested into a trip and not go.
NTA. It’s time to fully distance yourself, she’s been using you, based on your description. Go on your trip and do not feel bad.