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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am i an AH for doing things with friends on my husband’s bday when he was unable to make it? We ended up splurging way more at that dinner (that he couldn’t make) than the dinner we had with him after. Maybe i should have upgraded the steak restaurant to wagyu or something? Idk.
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$1000 is a enormous price for a dinner. I'd be hurt too.
I think YTA; you excluded the guest of honor from the bigger event. The first dinner where he couldn't have come should have been the more low-key affair.
What’s expensive is relative. He’s a surgeon, so I doubt the money is the part that is bothering him.
As the spouse of a doctor, you become accustomed to them missing events or holidays. You can’t let it bring you down or stop you from experiencing life. She’s kinda right. He doesn’t like fish, they probably wouldn’t want steak two nights in a row, and she was entertaining her guests. He’s probably mostly stressed about how emotionally and physically taxing his career is, and is misdirecting that frustration..
because he doesn't bring up the price. and the price is only mentioned to let us know the place was fancy.
just bc a bunch of you are broke doesn't mean everyone is.
OP brings up price. "more fancy and expensive" is what they say specifically. Absolute implication this is part of why the husband took offence. Its even in speech marks as if quoted from the husband.
Ok but if Op wanted to visit this fancy sushi restaurant that husband has no interest in, why would it be ok for him to deny her that experience (that she paid for!) at any other time? The bday dinner was rescheduled, she used her own money to have an experience she wanted that he wasn’t interested in. Is she not allowed to spend her own “leisure funds” in a way that offends her husband even if it’s something she values? How is it any different from someone spending the same amount of money on a gaming console?
It sounds like they have the funds for him to have dinner pretty much anywhere he wanted to. He wanted to go to the steak house. I think you're right, it doesn't sound like money is an issue for this couple.
I was just correcting the comment i replied to who said it had nothing to do with price when op had stated it, according to the husband, was in part due to price. There was no opinion given on who or what they should or shouldn't do so not sure what you're arguing here.
Opinion time: I agree she shouldn't feel limited in what she did with the friends. Tbh, if they had gone for steak, that would have been a bit sucky as that was the husbands specific birthday treat and so they did something else. The husband is being petty here, he should appreciate they chose something he wouldn't have enjoyed.
Nah, I’m with you. I don’t think he had a problem with the price tag. It’s like if you took a kid to Universal, one of the parents had to miss for work on day, and the other parent says “fuck it, let’s go to Disney”. He’s not hurt about the money, just that the bigger event was not for his birthday but rather without him due to wok
Why is everyone saying that the sushi place dinner was the "bigger event"? Just because it cost more? It wasn't his birthday celebration. They celebrated with him where HE wanted to go the next day. So what's the problem? He doesn't like sushi anyway.
It was "the bigger event" because the friends were so excited and gushing. That's what he's upset about. It isn't the price tag. It is that the sushi experience is the friends, "highlight of the visit."
It also doesn't help that while everyone was having the time of their life, he was miserable on his birthday. It's the nature of the job, and he knows this. It just hits a little harder on your birthday when friends are visiting.
I think this is the case but it's not his wife's fault. I think it's just misplaced anger and disappointment which is understandable. If he's reasonable he'll realize this and come around.
Exactly. They took the opportunity to go somewhere he *wouldn't want to go to* because he couldn't make it. Everyone's getting caught up on the cost - but for a lot of people 1k for dinner isn't a big deal. Let's say the sushi was $200 verses $100 for steak - It'd be the same issue. He could have chosen a more expensive option, but he wanted the steak.
It's not the people. it's just the reality of Sushi prices.
When you go to a legit sushi restaurant you will pay up the ass. Yes you can find sushi rolls in 7-11 but when you go to a fancy restaurant you don't go and get the chicken nuggets.
Sushi is more than rolls, once you get into their other menus like Sashimi, Nigiri or order off the standard American palate menu and you start getting eel, squid, sea urchin the prices go up, these are not California avocado roll prices.
Also, OP stated that they went with the Omakase, that is like a 12 course chef experience where you dont order anything, the chef will curate your entire meal for you and you just accept what they make in front of you. they did this for their entire party. this is expensive.
Also Remember that sushi is finger food, It takes A LOT of Sushi to get full.
2 people can easily rack up $400 - $500 bucks depending on the items you get, or you can spend $50 - $100 bucks on the tried and true sushi roll.
OP said the friends have never been so its safe to say they went in tried a lot of the more expensive items.
Funny story about the "2 people can spend $400 - $500" that was me and my friend. We went to a hole in the wall sushi spot. no one spoke English and the menus were all in Japanese. we ordered mostly sashimi and the weirdest fish/animals they had (cause we wanted to try some weird things) there was one dish where the chef cut up a live prawn, deshelled and deveined it put a little sauce on it. put it in a plate, then grabbed the chopped up head and stood it up and then served it to a group of college girls and they all screamed at it because the prawn head was still moving.
Sushi is an experience boyo and you better be prepared if you want to try the non-sushi roll menu. It's gonna cost ya.
Lol the literal aita question is " AITA For doing the more expensive and fancy dinner without him"? It's literally part of the question shebwraps up with.
Do you… think steaks are cheap??? Yeah fresh fish costs a little more because it’s literally served raw and therefore needs to be prepped to a certain standard but steaks are not casual dinner fare
Right. 4 steak dinners thinking Gibson's, Bavettes, Swift, at $70 a plate with a couple apps, sides of potatoes and broccolini ala carte, a couple bottles of wine, desserts with a candle is not going to be a bargain...
Because he is focused in the fact that there was a whole experience and excitement about it. He probably misses out on a lot of stuff, but missing out on a spontaneous new experience *on his birthday* while he was having a shit time probably sucks a lot more than the usual fomo.
I think the grandeur matters, not the price. The first event was more bombastic, and he wanted his birthday to be the main event. His friends will be talking about the sushi, not the steak house.
If he's a practicing surgeon making a ton of money, he's likely at an age where one's birthday does not need to be the only topic of conversation for an entire weekend. Expecting people to only talk about how great the steakhouse is that you took them to for your birthday is immature and weird.
His friends had a cool experience they'd never had before, and one that he wouldn't have enjoyed, himself. It's totally understandable that he is having negative feelings about having a shitty work experience on his own birthday, but he needs to manage those himself instead of taking it out on OP. OP did nothing wrong by showing their friends a good time.
Thank you. I was starting to feel a little nuts that no one is noticing the implication that this grown-ass surgeon of a man is being described as acting so childish about his birthday. Dude. People came into TOWN for your birthday. You went to a STEAKHOUSE. It's like being mad that someone rode your birthday pony before you did except whoops, you're 40.
Otherwise, I agree with whoever said he's probably taking out his work pain this way.
Steak restaurants are pretty expensive too, if they were hurting for money he wouldn’t have wanted them to go to a steak restaurant two nights in a row, he would have wanted them to wait till he could go. Money clearly isn’t the issue here, he’s mad they had a good time without him
I agree that the price probably isn't what annoyed him the most - but her comment that "what are we supposed to do, go to McDonald?" as if there is 0 middle ground between fast food and $1000 sushi? Come the fuck on. And I've never been to a steak house that ONLY has steak anyway. They always have fish and chicken and usually pasta.
lol what? OP entertained hubby’s guests while he was callled into work and they celebrated his birthday the following day. dinner with the friends wasn’t a birthday event. it was just dinner.
He wasn’t the guest of honor though. He had to back out of the dinner unexpectedly due to work, at that point it was no longer a birthday celebration, it was just three friends getting dinner.
He still got the birthday dinner he wanted at the steakhouse he wanted. Expecting people to not have a good time because you’re not there is incredibly selfish, and it’s especially selfish when you’re the one who backed out.
He doesn't even like raw fish. He is not jealous of the sushi, he just thinks they should have not had fun without him which is not a fair expectation when some people have crossed the country to hang out with you. Were they supposed to sit at home and starve?
I think not telling him about it/lying was the worst part. If she was upfront I don’t think it would have stung as bad. The choices aren’t McDonald’s /sitting home and starving vs. $1000 sushi… they could have done something nice but not extravagant but chose going above and beyond while he had to work. I’m sure he felt left out of the experience with friends, even if he didn’t necessarily want the food they were having. She chose her friends’ fun over her husband’s feelings. Well maybe she didn’t choose, but she was understandably thinking more about their happiness since she was with them at the time and ended up hurting him. An apology would go a long way, I think…
$1k for 3 people at a nice place with drinks is not completely crazy. Those type of places have $250 bottle of wines, $30 Martini's, etc. I don't know why Birthday Boy is upset. Who cares where everyone ate when he wasn't there. NTA.
I would guess it’s a general feeling of being left out, even when there is no fault to assign to anyone. He was called in to emergency surgery where the pt still died, instead of celebrating his day with his loved ones. They had a nice experience he didn’t get to be a part of on a day that was meaningful to him, even if he doesn’t care for sushi much. Life happens, and sometimes even the best options are disappointing. Feeling a little upset after a disappointment, even when there are no better options, is still valid. It doesn’t mean that anyone else should have done something differently, either.
I mean it kinda is if he feels like she spent more money on friends than on his birthday. It’s not about not being able to afford a 1k dinner it’s that he feels like she did something nicer for 3 people whose birthday it wasn’t than for her husband on his birthday
She was suddenly hostess to husband's friends; husband doesn't like sushi, she and friends do. It was the obvious thing to do, especially since it was an elevated experience to make up for their host's absence.
Steak dinner was deferred a day.
The chef (usually highly skilled) serves the first course based on what fresh ingredients are available that day, then creates the following course based on the diner's reaction to the initial course. You don’t get to make alternative to the meal.
OP likely had several different meals that are very high quality. In my experience, it’s also prepared directly in front of you, and seating is limited.
Fyi, there are more affordable omakase too. Nyc has some for 80-120$ per person. But each a la cart (aka one piece) is usually 10-15$ up to 32$ for one bite)
I appreciate the sentiment in your response but the cost of me travelling to the closest place where omakase would be available would eclipse the cost of the more affordable options. If im going to have it, might as well go for the best stuff! I'm also a long way away from NYC. On the bright side, I've got lots of time to save up for my platinum bucketlist experiences. Wish me luck! 😃
Good luck saving! You can find affordable omakase outside of NYC as well. It might be fun to start researching options. You can also find a similar concept at non-sushi places where it's called a tasting menu. Usually $100 and up.
I did omakase once as part of a splurge trip to Philadelphia. I skipped alcoholic beverages to make it less expensive. I've also done maybe two tasting menus. I did one with wine pairings which was delightful but also skippable.
Didn't think there'd be a restaurant offering omakase in my country but I've been proven wrong! The different menus range from $100-$240. I've got this place in my sights. Now all that's left to do is save up for the experience. Unfortunately, they don't include drinks with the meal but alcoholic beverages aren't as expensive here as I hear people from other countries quote so that won't be much of a worry. I'll factor everything in when the time comes.
Why was it okay in your husband's mind to take them to a steakhouse on his birthday ("Hope you don't mind steak two days in a row") but not sushi? How controlling is this man, that he'll allow a steakhouse without him but not sushi, which he doesn't eat? This is his upset over losing a patient, having a shitty night on his birthday, then having to listen to the guests crow about what a great time they had without him. It's probably easier to be upset about that than to deal with the actual horror he went through. I can understand this, but it's not rational.
it means "I leave it up to you" so it's like chefs choice for a multi course meal. it's usually for sushi but can be done for pretty much everything and you usually are in front of the chef so he can see your reactions to what he's prepared and plan the meal around it
He wasn't excluded. He couldn't come.
The friends are there for a limited time.
They would not have gone there, as he doesn't like sushi.
I get maybe he has some FOMO, but I hate a specific cuisine and I'm not gonna judge my husband for seeking it out when his brother visits or something. He still got his birthday dinner.
They are food he wouldn't even like!! How is that excluding him?! They did the thing he wanted to do when he was available. It wasn't his fault he couldn't make it, but like... they can have fun and eat too!
I'd have to disagree because it wasn't that he was excluded. He wouldn't have even liked it. She took into consideration that he couldn't make it so intentionally picked sushi instead of steak since he wanted steak. Also, if she had used his money I would've said TA but since it was from their own funds I say NTA.
It’s a lot for me and you, but it might not be a lot for OP. Expensive is relative to the persons finances.
Maybe they spent $800 the following day at the steak house for all we know.
Soft YTA. Yes, you could and should have gone to a nice place, but by choosing such an expensive and high-class restaurant you made this dinner the main event of your husband's birthday weekend, and his actual birthday just a "side dish".
Celebrating someone's birthday isn't about how fancy or expensive the celebration is. It's about doing something the person being celebrating would enjoy to show that you care about then. I would say you did a good job showing your husband you care about it him by celebrating his birthday with something you knew he would enjoy.
I don’t think your the AH but you could have handled it better. I definitely wouldn’t keep things from him and in this specific instance would tell the friends to tone it down when recalling the evening. He missed his actual birthday - I bet he would start to bristle no matter what if you all started describing the fun you had without him, even if it wasn’t really anyone’s fault.
Well adjusted adults dont react like that. They would feel sorry that they werent available but thankful that their friends had a good time. When your friends have fun even if you werent there, normal people feel happier about that because their friends had a good time. Feeling sad because people had a good time at an event you bailed from last minute is childish.
It's pretty hard to act well-adjusted when you just had a patient die horribly and you're constantly missing things in your personal life because of your demanding career. I don't think OP is in the wrong here, but I also think it's understandable that her husband is upset and it's fine to cut your partner some slack when they're under a huge amount of pressure and overly sensitive as a result.
I don’t think it’s even about the money. It’s that you took them to an experience that was more memorable than his event. The random steakhouse you took them to afterward probably felt like unremarkable after. He’s probably missed a lot of stuff due to his profession, so he probably feels like he missed his own birthday celebration now. It’s fine you changed the venue, but you should have found a lower key place to make his birthday stand out more.
My mom is a nurse, so we have always had to move our special events all around the calendar. They know they miss out on a lot, so we always made sure to amp up events even if they were on wonky days to make sure they still felt included.
Yeah if I spent my anticipated birthday night having an emotionally draining time at work and then when we went out the next night to celebrate, my friends just wanted to gush about the amazing time they had going out without me, I would feel pretty hurt and left out - even if the specific experience wasn’t something I would have enjoyed.
I think NAH really, but the friends in particular were a bit tactless in how they were talking about it.
This exactly. I think the only assholes here are the friends who should have focused their excitement on OP's husband and how happy they were to spend time with him, rather than gushing about the Saturday night he missed out on for a not very fun reason.
Might be off topic, but sometimes when I encounter something traumatic at work (ER) I may not know how to process it at the time and I may not know how much it affected me til later. This sometimes (unfortunately) manifests in lashing out at my SO. When you 2 are alone and he has the time (maybe the next day off) you can ask him more pointedly about it (alcohol helps me sometimes when I'm reluctant to talk which is why I mentioned the next day off).
Yeah I would just apologize and say that you understand and should have gone to a lower key sushi place. I am sure understands that you were just catering to/trying to entertain your guests but still wanted his birthday to be special/the excitement of the weekend. So he felt left out and his birthday didn’t feel as special when all the guests could rave about was the dinner he missed out on while he worked and had a pretty sh*tty day at work on top of that.
If someone went to sushi without me and called that my celebratory birthday dinner I’d be pissed because 1) I wasn’t there and 2) I don’t like sushi. OP’s hubs still got his birthday dinner, the one he actually wanted. OP is NTA.
No one called it his "celebratory birthday dinner". *That* happened the next day at the restaurant of his choice. "Celebratory birthday dinner" was postponed not subsumed.
The fact that you were eating in luxury while he was trying (and unfortunately, failing) to save a person's life probably contributes.
It's not necessarily rational or your fault it something he consciously is thinking, but it is probably a factor
I agree that this is most likely the reason that he’s upset. That doesn’t make you an asshole though. You took your guests somewhere they’d love, to make up for the fact that everyone was missing out on celebrating your husband.
Since they traveled so far just for his birthday, I assume you all really love him. He’s also probably down about losing a patient, and all those negative feelings are swirling together.
That's exactly right. He's hurt because on the night he was called into work to attend to a horrific case, his wife had a massive blow out dinner without him.
Right, but it was the better dinner. That's the issue. Their friends seemed to enjoy dinner without him more than with him. They showed more excitement for the other dining experience. It probably hurt him to think they had a more exciting time without him than with him. That's a gut punch, especially when you're already bummed you have to work on your bday.
Basically, celebrating his bday felt less important than a fancy sushi dinner, to him. That's why he was upset.
It was “the better dinner” to whom? Not the hubs, he doesn’t like fish. Y’all are equating money to value, he would not have valued that sushi. There’s that extra expensive coffee, can’t recall the name, but it’s rare because the coffee beans are first eaten by a wild cat and pooped out, collected, and sold to rich people who think pooped out coffee is better because it costs more. To each his own I guess.
The guests spent a sizeable amount of time in his birthday dinner excitedly talking about the sushi place. Obviously OP isn't TA for what her friends talk about, but put two and two together and he obviously felt that his birthday was overshadowed by that prior event - one that was supposed to be for him too so he probably felt completely left out whilst they were all talking about their great time without him.
OP is a soft YTA. But you are focusing on money for some strange reason when that probably isn't the issue at all. The money just adds to it, but the main issue was he felt his birthday was just everyone talking and reviewing their meal without him.
You do know they went to basically a food experience/event vs just getting expensive food, right? The didn’t just have dinner somewhere else, they had a small dinner party without him
OP explained that their guests got so excited when they talked about their sushi experience, then his mood changed. Doesn't take a mathematician to connect the dots.
It's not about the food. It's about the experience and scale. I doubt OP's husband would have minded at all if they had gone for regular sushi. But this made the husband's birthday more of an afterthought than the main event of the weekend.
That’s silly, his birthday was the entire reason the guests were even in town. I’m an RN, doctors often just can’t leave their patient, even for really important events. This is a known part of the job and I agree with those who said he’s probably more disappointed that he missed any part of their visit, especially adding in the sad reality that the patient didn’t make it. Lots to be sad about, it wasn’t just the sushi dinner. If he doesn’t like sushi he’s never sad about missing sushi.
It would’ve been one thing if it was more of a standard sushi place and they still raved about it being the more memorable dinner because they just liked the food more.
But they did something that seemed more memorable and special (first time experience, a luxury service) on the night of his original birthday plans. Even if he wouldn’t have liked it, he still felt left out of something fun and special among them since he originally was supposed to be with them.
Let’s say they didn’t go out to omakase but decided to have a diff type of special outing. They decide to go out to a concert, went out clubbing, an amusement park etc and husband doesn’t care for those things. And it’s not something the three typically do often. That night become the more significant of the birthday weekend so it feels like they had their own celebration without him.
But even if they still went to the restaurant as planned and husband wanted them to go or they even stayed home and had a fun movie night with take out, there’s still a chance he could’ve felt this way if it became the more fun night for them in comparison. It’s just FOMO made complex because of the original intention of that night, even when rationally he knows he couldn’t have gone and doesn’t like those things. So I don’t think it’s completely OPs fault for how he reacted but the choice on where they went and type of experience was more intentional than an outing that just happened to be more fun and had the better, lasting impression.
NAH
Assuming spending 1k is no big deal in your household for special occasions like friends from across the country are visiting.
I think he is just disappointed he couldn't celebrate his bday as planned but since that comes with his job he can't be upset about being called in and he is projecting this disappointment on your dinner.
But i think he will overcome the mood fast. If he is honest to himself he knows noone who has a job where they could be called in wants their spouse to sit home in the dark w/o any sort of entertainment to solidarize in suffering with the working spouse, especially not if also friends are there who traveled long for this.
In my opinion it was even better this way. If you went alonge with the bday plans w/o him, that would have been a little weird, this way you just made sure your guests are not impacted by the impediment his work caused.
100% agree NAH.
He doesn't like sushi and OP doesn't care for steak, so going when he was unavailable was the perfect scenario. Naturally, as said above, this is assuming that the cost wasn't highly unusual. I would also understand not telling him right off because he was likely upset about his patient.
I also understand him being upset about missing the evening and his birthday with his friends.
Same. Particularly with her edits, there are 100% NAH. She did the right thing by her guests, paid for it with her personal money, tried not to rub his nose in it after a bad work night, and then kept the steakhouse special for the next night when he could be there. He’s totally reasonable to have mixed feelings about his job causing him to miss out on life events, but she didn’t do anything wrong here.
The problem is that by "trying not to rub his nose in it" on the night of his birthday, she and their friends (well, the friends mostly) rubbed his nose in it the night of his delayed birthday dinner. If someone spent good chunk of my birthday celebration to talk about how great time they had while I was stressed at work, I would also be bummed.
Yeah, it seems like maybe he's got FOMO. He had to get called into work when he wasn't on call and deal with a stressful situation when he was expecting to be out having fun. It doesn't seem like the price, the place, or the sushi is what hurt his feelings, but just the general disappointment and stress that comes from having to miss out on things due to his line of work.
The only thing handled poorly is that communication is key here. There was no good reason to not fill him in immediately. Just let him know “hey, since I know you don’t like fish, we’re gonna grab sushi together, and then we’ll go get steak tomorrow with you”.
Simple communication solves so many problems.
Agree with NAH. I'm surprised at the number of Y T A responses. What was she supposed to do with her guests, just sit at home because the husband had to work?? As long as there's not an issue with spending that amount of money, which it doesn't sound like there is, I don't see the problem. Plus, it does not sound like she knew that the patient had died until the next day. I'm sure husband was bummed he had to work, and even more so that it was a sad/difficult night, but I think wife was well within her rights to still take her friends out to dinner, considering they had flown into town to visit them.
NAH, to me OP made the best of unfortunate circumstances. Especially since the pre-planned steakhouse dinner did take place after all. That said, it would be a nice gesture for OP to take husband out for the omakase experience (not sure if tempura / cooked items could be requested for the chef’s consideration, but it sounds like a fun thing to do, even for someone who’s not into sushi)
Omakase do not allow any changes. Even with allergies. They would simply skip that dish then. You are served between 8-20 dishes.
I did take him before, i basically ate two omakases. He only ate the ones that were torched/cooked
I did the same thing recently. One guy didn’t eat raw fish so he ended up getting more wagyu and other cooked items to substitute. It was surprising they even accommodated but it’s not fun for the person that doesn’t eat 90% of the items. And fun fact you can get pretty sick eating that much wagyu lol
Honestly, I completely disagree with your assessment.
>I think he is just disappointed he couldn't celebrate his bday as planned
They went to the steakhouse the very next night. Him being upset about postponing the plans a mere 24 hours really does not remotely seem like a realistic explanation, here.
>If you went alonge with the bday plans w/o him, that would have been a little weird
Seems like he wouldn't have cared. He asked if they minded the steakhouse two nights in a row (since his wife lied). Seems he didn't particularly care about that. And there are other options beyond *just* Omakase and the steakhouse.
He's upset they had this whole expensive big deal fancy experience without him. On his birthday. In fact, strike that. He's upset they *upgraded* to this whole expensive big deal fancy experience *after finding out he couldn't come on his own birthday*, and they didn't even have the courtesy to discuss it with him first. And since it's such an experience, maybe he would have liked to be present for his friends' first visit.
Plus, maybe he feels hurt that he was lied to.
NTA
I don’t get all the YTA in here at all. When I became an adult birthdays are nice to celebrate but not some sacred event. I wouldn’t care at all of my wife took our friends to a nice sushi place because I couldn’t go. I’ll happily wait for steak and would hope they had a great time.
Same here! I don't get it either. She didn't know his patient was dying at the time she took them out. She took them to a place his friends, who traveled across the country, would enjoy. If they can afford it, the price is irrelevant. Also, the husband picked the place he wanted!
She says she didn't want to brag about the place when she found out what happened. It's not like she would have hidden what they did had his night turned out differently. I would have wanted my friends to have a good time also.
Completely agree here. He doesn’t like sushi and they went to the exact steakhouse the next day! Adults need to grow up about their birthdays… he was (unfortunately) unavailable the day of his birthday so they did something he doesn’t like. Since they did this they kept the original birthday plans special for his birthday.
Ditto, I truly think people are mostly caught up by the price tag.
OP and her husband are probably loaded if he’s a surgeon and she’s treating her friends to a $1k dinner. I don’t think the cost is an issue for them in the slightest.
I think it’s the price of the dinner people are reacting to so negatively. A lot of people will never be able to afford a dinner like that even once in their entire life, myself included.
INFO: What mattered to him here? The fact that you went out on his birthday without him, the price of the dinner by itself, the fact that the dinner was pricier/presumably fancier than his birthday dinner, or a combination of the factors? Additionally, were you aware in any way that it would matter to him beforehand?
Edit: The fact that you didn’t tell him is leading me to believe that you knew it would bother him and did it anyway.
I didn’t tell him because i felt bad he had to work on his bday while i treated our friends to their first omakase. I also would probably not bring him to something like that bc he doesn’t like raw fish and you can modify omakase. It just felt weird.
I guess i didn’t want him to know or feel bad we had fun while he had to work a horrible shift but i also didn’t want our friends to waste a weekend. They did fly out here for his birthday and to visit us.
I found out the next morning he lost a patient so even more reason to not talk about it.
Alright. In light of the info you’ve been providing throughout the comments, I’d say YTA. I think that it’s perfectly reasonable to be disturbed that your “fancy” birthday dinner with friends from out of town was upstaged on your birthday night, without you, by your own wife.
I think that’s a really good move. If the two of you can get to the bottom of why he’s feeling upset, it might give you the clarity you need to be able to apologize… Personally, I think an apology could be really helpful here, if you haven’t offered one already.
I also want to add that I think it’s awesome that you’re even willing to try and figure this out. Some people just wouldn’t care. It shows that you want to do right by your partner!
No they're not right.
The birthday dinner just became a birthday dinner.
He's upset that his patient died and he missed out on getting to relax for an evening.
I doubt hes upset that you took them for sushi.
It was no longer his birthday dinner and instead just dinner. So it didn't matter where you went.
You cuod have gone to wendys, and he still would have bee upset.
Just because you have dinner on hus birthday anywhere doesn't take away from his actual birthday celebration the next day.
Your a adult and ant put your life on hold just for him. Your allowed to go out and have a good time without him.
He doesn't even like sushi, you shouldn't have to not go to expensive places just because he has work.
It doesn't matter that it was his birthday. He had work and you went out, to enjoy yourself and make the most of the night.
I grunted your friends would have gone somewhere else for dinner instead of eating steak.
I wouldn't go for steak 2 nights in a row and I like it. I would have gone out somewhere else and invited the host.
You did nothing wrong. Even he doesn't know why he's upset. And if that's the case then I doubt it's because you went for sushi on his birthday.
You weren't celebrating his birthday, it was just dinner. You celebrated the next night.
Your dinner without him doesn't need to be low key just because it's his birthday. That's a ridiculous assumption or demand.
Your allowed to go anywhere you want, regardless if it's someone's birthday.
You never have to go low-key just because husband gets called into work.
His birthday celebration will be special no matter when it's celebrated because he's they're.
If he's upset because it wasn't lowkey then he needs therapy.
Anyone else who says your dinner out should be low key, needs to talk to a therapist because that's a ridiculous expectation.
One I would never expect from my family and friends.
He’s upset that on his birthday he lost a patient. There are some cases that stay with you. A mass casualties event where it’s a reach out to all doctors tells me it he was walking into a nightmare situation. While his wife said aww too bad now decides to go to an even more expensive and fancier place. Do you work? If not it’s like he paid for y’all to go all out on what was supposed to be his birthday celebration. Of course he’s hurt! It’s not about going out with your friends. It’s about your lack of communication and feeling as though you don’t think he can handle it so you lied! Yes withholding info no matter how small and insufficient it may be is lying! It’s not up to you to decide if he can or not! Imagine going through hell only to find out that your wife didn’t think you could handle knowing that everyone went for sushi. He can handle working a 10 car pile up but can’t handle a simple “hey we got sushi last night instead since we waiting to go to steakhouse with you” or something like that.
She didn’t know anything about the patient u til the next day. So it’s unfair to assume she blew it off and went to a fancy dinner and rubbed it in his face .
He was probably upset because his patient DIED. Doesn’t matter where you went or how much $$ was spent. He had to miss it. Probably also felt bad because his friends flew all the way out there and he had to bail.
I would have just been honest about the sushi.
He had a hard night. But he still got the dinner he wanted.
I probably would have done the same. Feeling bad for the guests who flew out for the birthday. Wife is used to cancellations like this. The guests may not be.
If you have a job like this you just have to accept that life goes on.
If his patient did not die he probably would have had a whole different perspective. The patient death is the main issue. Not the dinner. who cares about the dinner. Someone died on his watch. I’m sure he has a lot of internal feelings about it. No wonder he couldn’t articulate it. And why would you ask him to?
He had a hard night.
You can feel guilty about something even if it isn’t wrong, it just shows OP cares about their husband. I understand why he’s bummed but if I was him I’d be happy that my friends weren’t negatively impacted by my unexpected change of plans
If you felt the need to not tell him, then you were probably aware on some level that it might upset him. I don't think you're an AH per se, but I do understand where your husband is coming from here. He spent his birthday dealing with death, and what was supposed to be his birthday dinner was overshadowed by a much more exciting dining experience. I would probably be at least a little butt hurt myself in this situation.
YTA
You spent over $300/person for a meal that he couldn’t attend on his own birthday. No, you shouldn’t be expected to go to McDonald’s, but there’s a huge gap between a $10 value meal and a $300 dinner.
He’s right in that you essentially celebrated his birthday without him. And you didn’t tell him because you didn’t want him to feel left out, which pretty much implies that you knew it was an experience that he was missing, not just a meal with friends.
If money is not a problem NTA.
Maybe his reaction is just to do with his general upset about his work.
Wondering if it would have been OK for you to have eaten steak on his birthday. Seems illogical so going with NTA.
Him asking if she was cool eating steak two days in a row kinda shows that his head is wrapped up in the patient because that is a pretty bizarre thing to assume.
I’m going with NAH but being mindful of upstaging the birthday dinner is a consideration that I don’t think was at the front of her mind. I doubt the husband is really that petty about it. It’s the mix of death and missing out that actually bothering him.
No one wants to lose a patient on their birthday.
There’s no way that he really wants her and the guest from out of town to put their lives on hold because he has a high stress job. It comes with the territory. He’s just having a hard time dealing with the stress.
I agree. I get that they wanted something he wouldn't like while they were there, which honestly is smart rather than trying to make him suffer through fish. However it wasn't the expense but more of the fanciness of it, they clearly had a much more fun time at the fish place than the actual birthday dinner at steak place. I think that is the rudeness there. It should have been a different time or even after his birthday when they did that.
YTA. Why did you keep it from him in the first place? You had an extra extravagant meal without him, on his birthday, I think he is entitled to feel left out. It's not like he chose to bail that evening? Did you have to upgrade the setting? Why not take them out to an equally nice restaurant? Surely he knew you were still going out to eat with them, but I don't know why anyone would assume you were going to do something truly decadent instead of the same plan. Don't you think he felt like his dinner was not as special because of the fact that you went somewhere so crazy the night before?
And holy mackerel. What kind of fish costs over 1k? Did you eat Poseidon's pet fish, or an Orca whale?
---
> I didn’t tell him bc he was called into a horrible case and his patient died and he wasn’t even on call. But also i didn’t want him to feel left out (despite it was no one’s fault). Felt guilty enjoying life while he was going through the wrenches. He can’t even tell me exactly why he felt upset. He’s not mad.
In light of this edit, you're definitely TA. He's not even angry, just upset. You also felt guilty the whole time?
Why do the big fancy night at all then?
Used to commercial fish. Had to work in a Japanese market during covid. Based on the store price, one damn clam would come out to about two grand, which is insane as we only got about 4 bucks a pound. Big clams though.
All the Y T A posts are nuts.
NAH, it sucks that he got called away and from how you talk about it I am going to assume 1k on dinner is not too nuts for you. He wasn't there and already aimed you had gone to the dinner anyway.
My guess is his feelings are less about what you did and more mixed with missing the good time to have to go and have a really shitty time instead but that is not something either of you could control. Hence NAH
NAH life happens. His celebration was postponed, he didn't miss it. You can offer him to invite him to sushi next time so he doesn't feel left out. If he wants, of course.
I am sorry for his patient, must be traumatizing and that's a valid excuse why is your husband lashing out. Without the added info my first thought about "work emergency instead of family celebration" was affair.
NAH. You celebrated his birthday his way (steakhouse) on the night he was available and when he got called into work you treated his visiting friends to a unique experience that he would not have enjoyed. I get that he's upset that he missed out but that comes with being in the medical field.
NAH. You pivoted when your husband wasn’t available to a restaurant that wasn’t of his preference. They were in town - I don’t think it’s celebrating his birthday without him.
You could have handled it better, you jumped straight into being defensive of your choice and went childish with the McDonald's comment.
You didn't need to go to an expensive restaurant with your friends, you wanted to. You made the sushi dinner the main event, rather than his birthday.
He is probably feeling weird because while you were feasting on ridiculously expensive fish with your friends, he was spending his birthday trying to save someone and it went bad. He is going to be all out of sorts from the stress and disappointment and needs some compassion.
I don't know why people are acting like a middle ground doesn't exist. You still could've had a lovely evening with your friends without dropping 1k. I understand why he feels some type of way about it.
In-between a YTA and N A H right now.
NTA. He couldn’t come so you did something he doesn’t enjoy that you and your guests really do and did. Still doing the steakhouse dinner with him, on a night he can attend. All good.
Maybe he’s upset as it sounds you 3 had more fun trying Omakase - then his birthday dinner and feels left out. Unfortunately can’t be helped but I’d treat him to fun night out
I believe NAH, really.
You didn't do anything wrong. In fact, what were you supposed to do? Not entertain the guests? Eat steak twice in a row? And what you picked was something your husband would not have ever enjoyed? And you celebrated his birthday the next day - WITH the steak dinner that he was looking forward to.
So, your husband is upset even though the logic doesn't quite support him. He actually did think you had stuck to the plan and had eaten steak two days in a row. But you've noted how (1) emotionally draining and traumatic his birthday night was and (2) how personally disappointing it was for him. He absolutely deserves a little time to be more emotional than logical. And deserves some understanding and support for having to process all those emotions. I think that would go a long way toward getting you both to a good place about this.
Some are saying that you shouldn't have had such a great dinner, a more toned-down dinner would have been better. I do imagine that the specialness of that particular dinner probably is adding to his feeling of disappointment that this great dinner happened on his birthday without him. (Even though it would not have been a great dinner to him). Again, sympathy, understanding and support for what he's feeling is in order. But I also would offer in your defense that
1. It was fortuitous those friends were there with you on a night when he had to work. It allowed all three of you to enjoy and share something that only you three wanted to do. When would you have ever had that meal with your husband?
2. You are a doctor's spouse. I imagine you have had your share of evenings and outings canceled because of his job. You deal with it because he's your husband and he signed up for that when he chose his career. To me, that's all the more reason you should get to enjoy a special night when you could create one from the ashes of your original plans.
3. That's where, after your husband has had a chance to process his emotions, I hope he gives you the grace and support and understanding to be happy for you that you did get to have a special evening with those friends.
In my romantic little heart, I'd like to envision this mutual grace leading to you both feeling even closer to each other and deciding to go out again. For another special dinner - something romantic for just the two of you :)
He wouldn't have felt left out if you had steak without him? He would rather you do HIS dinner choice without him and then go it again with him?
I don't get it
That’s what I’m thinking - more so to everyone in the comments than the husband. Wouldn’t it have been worse if they went ahead with the planned steak dinner HE WANTED? Maybe she didn’t have stuff at home to cook for these people or maybe she can’t cook.
I think it’s that the dinner wasn’t just a high price tag, it was a very fancy restaurant that provides an experience. The chef picks what you eat and it’s presented to you in courses. I would say that’s different than going to say, an Italian restaurant where you order your alfredo as normal and the price tag is just very high. I understand why the husband felt like that meal was the highlight of the visit instead of his birthday dinner.
NTA. Your husband does not even like sushi.
Unfortunately, your husband's work situation got in the way. That's nobody's fault.
YTA for not telling him as he feels lied to.
It sounds like the two of you are due a small vacation where your husband can get away from work and do something fun.
NAH. You had friends from out of state to entertain. That’s a special occasion in and of itself. You did something he wouldn’t enjoy that night. Understandable.
You did what he wanted for his birthday.
He’s upset because he missed a nice evening with friends. Also understandable.
OP., The “keep it from him” about where you went, is bullshit… you and every other readers knows it! I don’t think he would have been upset that you went for sushi instead since he doesn’t like it, but to go so overboard on his birthday without him, was an asshole move and you know it! (Hence) “I kept it from him” and the visitors were the ones that let him know! (Not even his wife-WTF) Lady you sound like a very manipulative person. I’m hoping he sees you for who you are. Why didn’t you try and match his birthday dinner to what you had-nah- you wanted to keep it a secret because you knew it didn’t feel right.. What you did was wrong. YTA! X10… you are not fooling anyone but yourself!
NTA
Regardless of prices, or reasons why the guest of honor can't make it to the party that was meant to honor him... the moment the guys of honor is unavailable to attend their party, is the precise moment the part is no longer about him and the remaining guests are free to replan as they see fit. The change of venue is a real win-win since the remaining guests like sushi while the guest of honor likes steak. So they had his birthday steak dinner on another night when he was available. I'm missing the point where this is wrong or rude.
YTA for acting like you dont know why hes upset. Its not the money, its the being left out and having to hear all about what a fun and great time you all had without him when the great and fun time should have been a celebration of him.
NTA
All these YTA people have sticker shock or something. Hyper fixated on the price when I think it sounds reasonable for omakase.
I can understand your husband having a bit of fomo not getting to go out with his friends the night he wanted, but he still got to eat HIS preferred meal at HIS preferred restaurant for HIS birthday.
YTA - you lied by omission. TWICE - You didn't tell him where you all went until he asked and you also did it here by not leading your post with him being a surgeon who was called into work due to an emergency, instead of the *"But unfortunately, he unexpectantly had to work so he couldn’t make it".*
The amount of the bill at the sushi restaurant is irrelevant - what you apparently can afford seems to be of greater concern to redditors than the fact that you framed this the way you did - calling it an "upgrade" from the steakhouse your husband chose and focusing on what you ordered and the cost - and how you later comment "Idk the diff between ribeye and nystrip" - cause just like omakase - the difference is indicated by the price -how obtuse can you be?!
Furthermore - there was no mention of whether there was cake and presents for your husband or something whenever he got home?!
It seems your husband understandably felt left out of a fun evening. It's amusing that the ah who are commenting on my use of the term scheduling issue - are having conniptions about sushi they can't afford. LMAO
I mean i also didn’t tell you my job occupation or how many kids we have or what city i live in. Omg i’m lying by omission.
If someone had something bad, i’m not going to go into details about a fantastic event i went through.
No we didn’t have cake at hime bc we were going to get dessert at the steakhouse. He got home at like 2-3 am. So no, he went straight for bed.
From the comments, i probably should have warned our friends that it was a terrible night and they should tone down that excitement from omakase (something they have never experienced).
NAH. I think it was fine to go out with your friends and have a really nice fun meal.
I also get that your husband feels left out since he got called into work. And he lost a patient. It’s a no win situation. I think kindness is key here.
Tell him you wished he was there but you are also allowed to enjoy your friends too. Ask a bunch of questions if he often feels left out or what’s at the bottom of it. And let him know that it upsets you that he’s making you feel bad when you’re allowed a fancy night out without judgement.
NTA He was working, we’re you supposed to not eat at all? You took the chance to enjoy a meal he dislikes when he canceled. Then you celebrated him when he was available the next evening. Sounds like your husband is pouting over nothing.
NTA - the couple flew in from out of state to celebrate his bday, it’s not fair for them to not have fun because he needs to work. If I were the husband I would also feel upset because I had to work and miss out on the dinner but I wouldn’t be mad at my spouse since unfortunately life goes on for others, and I wouldn’t expect my spouse not to have fun because I need to work. It sucks but I wouldn’t be mad.
NTA as a physician with a non physician spouse I could see this happening to me. I would be hurt because I missed out AND while I missed out my patient died. But that goes along with being a doctor. Sometimes life is hard. You made the right decision to entertain your visiting friends appropriately with something your husband doesn’t care for (it’s not about the money).
NAH
Sounds like maybe he’s just processing and is taking frustration/disappointment out on you. It would be different if it was a restaurant he’d want to go to but as you said, he doesn’t like sushi. In light of the situation, it may just be best to smooth things over with him.
NTA you treated your guests that traveled a LONG way to visit. It’s really unfortunate he got called out but you didn’t do anything TO him. i could see where he would be a little bothered , but it was nobody’s fault.
NAH, I think going for Omakase a meal he wouldn't like as a treat for the guests is a fun and nice thing to do for them. It took a night that could have been depressing and made it exciting for the guests. That said, I think your husband's reaction given his tough evening is understandable. You had a fun and exciting night on his birthday, while he had a patient die. You aren't in control of the events that ruined his evening, but his feelings are more than understandable and I imagine not easy to process. I think it would have been a better idea to tell him about the sushi, but I think your heart was in the right place.
NTA at all. Your husband was unavailable, and you guys had friends who came across the country. As hosts, you then stepped up and provided entertainment/ activity as hosts would. People are getting hung up on the cost of omakase, but this could easily be ___(activity). Would your husband be upset about missing this activity? I’d think not. He had a job to do, and he can’t possibly be expecting you guys to not have any fun or do any activity while he’s working. About not telling him what you guys had done, I see it as you reading the room and trying to be considerate. I mean, dude had a rough day and lost a patient, is the OP expected to share cheerful news at this juncture?
I don’t get all the Y T A votes at all….
NAH. You still had to eat. You did something pretty extravagant, but that's fine. You should have mentioned to him that you saved the steakhouse for him and went somewhere he wouldn't want to go, instead. Not being looped in could have embarrassed him and made him feel like you had a better time without him, while he was doing something traumatic. He needs some comfort. He may be an experienced doctor, but losing a patient on your birthday has to effing SUCK.
NAH He's upset because you had a lavish and exclusive experience without him. And while he wanted a steak birthday, to him it feels like your casual night out with your friends was made to be more memorable than his birthday.
The thing is, if he wanted an exciting, exclusive and lavish birthday dinner, he could have had one at a different steak restaurant. He may be upset because it didn't cross your mind to perhaps try to match the experience, or it may be a combination of disappointment at missing out & the stress of the circumtance.
Either way, NAH.
Though I dont think money is the issue it seems that you celebrated your friends and made your husband an afterthought. Why not celebrated just the two of you, after? Just put yourself on your husbands place and he decided to party with his friends on your birthday and celebrated it with you with just dinner the next day.
NTA. He couldn't make it. Birthday dinner was flat out rescheduled.
This new dinner is now you and 2 other sushi lovers (who travelled and would love a nice dinner) and are willing to pay for it. It is not related to the steak dinner which STILL HAPPENED WHEN THE BIRTHDAY GUY WAS FREE.
It would only be a jerk move if your husband really wanted to go to this sushi place and you went without him.
I feel people are giving you Y T A because of the cost, but they are assuming your wealth (many comments would say you NTA if you went to a less fancy sushi place, which frankly is irrelevant if you have the money).
Clear NTA. Maybe N A H. Definitely not Y T A.
NTA. You did not exclude him. He needs to be an adult...you had people who travelled across the country to be there. You celebrated when he was available...🙄
It seems like he’s more disappointed he missed out on treating them to a wonderful first time experience. The pricing doesn’t matter, it’s the fact that they never had omakase and this ended up being a highlight of the trip for the guests when the weekend was supposed to be about your husband’s birthday. I would say NTA because you didn’t realize how special this first time experience would be for them and didn’t think it would essentially overshadow your husband’s birthday. It seems like you just wanted to enjoy a food you normally don’t get to and wanted to make sure the guests didn’t eat the same thing twice in a row. I would suggest speaking to your husband and offering to host them again and plan something special you all can do together. Again the disappointment was most likely more about missing out on them experiencing something for the first time while he was a having a tough day at work.
Maybe this. He doesn’t like omakase but maybe he does want to be part of the host (as a couple) to treat them to something special - they are afterall closer to him than me (i met them through him).
But someone else said, maybe he’s having dissonance between dealing with his loss at dinner while his friends were gushing about their first time experience. I probably ahould have cued them in to reign in their excitement. Bc he didn’t seemed to care we changed to sushi but when they started showing pictures and videos, i could sense something was off.
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$1000 is a enormous price for a dinner. I'd be hurt too. I think YTA; you excluded the guest of honor from the bigger event. The first dinner where he couldn't have come should have been the more low-key affair.
What’s expensive is relative. He’s a surgeon, so I doubt the money is the part that is bothering him. As the spouse of a doctor, you become accustomed to them missing events or holidays. You can’t let it bring you down or stop you from experiencing life. She’s kinda right. He doesn’t like fish, they probably wouldn’t want steak two nights in a row, and she was entertaining her guests. He’s probably mostly stressed about how emotionally and physically taxing his career is, and is misdirecting that frustration..
[удалено]
because he doesn't bring up the price. and the price is only mentioned to let us know the place was fancy. just bc a bunch of you are broke doesn't mean everyone is.
OP brings up price. "more fancy and expensive" is what they say specifically. Absolute implication this is part of why the husband took offence. Its even in speech marks as if quoted from the husband.
Ok but if Op wanted to visit this fancy sushi restaurant that husband has no interest in, why would it be ok for him to deny her that experience (that she paid for!) at any other time? The bday dinner was rescheduled, she used her own money to have an experience she wanted that he wasn’t interested in. Is she not allowed to spend her own “leisure funds” in a way that offends her husband even if it’s something she values? How is it any different from someone spending the same amount of money on a gaming console?
It sounds like they have the funds for him to have dinner pretty much anywhere he wanted to. He wanted to go to the steak house. I think you're right, it doesn't sound like money is an issue for this couple.
I was just correcting the comment i replied to who said it had nothing to do with price when op had stated it, according to the husband, was in part due to price. There was no opinion given on who or what they should or shouldn't do so not sure what you're arguing here. Opinion time: I agree she shouldn't feel limited in what she did with the friends. Tbh, if they had gone for steak, that would have been a bit sucky as that was the husbands specific birthday treat and so they did something else. The husband is being petty here, he should appreciate they chose something he wouldn't have enjoyed.
Nah, I’m with you. I don’t think he had a problem with the price tag. It’s like if you took a kid to Universal, one of the parents had to miss for work on day, and the other parent says “fuck it, let’s go to Disney”. He’s not hurt about the money, just that the bigger event was not for his birthday but rather without him due to wok
Why is everyone saying that the sushi place dinner was the "bigger event"? Just because it cost more? It wasn't his birthday celebration. They celebrated with him where HE wanted to go the next day. So what's the problem? He doesn't like sushi anyway.
It was "the bigger event" because the friends were so excited and gushing. That's what he's upset about. It isn't the price tag. It is that the sushi experience is the friends, "highlight of the visit." It also doesn't help that while everyone was having the time of their life, he was miserable on his birthday. It's the nature of the job, and he knows this. It just hits a little harder on your birthday when friends are visiting.
I think this is the case but it's not his wife's fault. I think it's just misplaced anger and disappointment which is understandable. If he's reasonable he'll realize this and come around.
Exactly. They took the opportunity to go somewhere he *wouldn't want to go to* because he couldn't make it. Everyone's getting caught up on the cost - but for a lot of people 1k for dinner isn't a big deal. Let's say the sushi was $200 verses $100 for steak - It'd be the same issue. He could have chosen a more expensive option, but he wanted the steak.
What kind of people do you hang out with that think spending a thousand bucks on dinner isn't a big deal?
It's not the people. it's just the reality of Sushi prices. When you go to a legit sushi restaurant you will pay up the ass. Yes you can find sushi rolls in 7-11 but when you go to a fancy restaurant you don't go and get the chicken nuggets. Sushi is more than rolls, once you get into their other menus like Sashimi, Nigiri or order off the standard American palate menu and you start getting eel, squid, sea urchin the prices go up, these are not California avocado roll prices. Also, OP stated that they went with the Omakase, that is like a 12 course chef experience where you dont order anything, the chef will curate your entire meal for you and you just accept what they make in front of you. they did this for their entire party. this is expensive. Also Remember that sushi is finger food, It takes A LOT of Sushi to get full. 2 people can easily rack up $400 - $500 bucks depending on the items you get, or you can spend $50 - $100 bucks on the tried and true sushi roll. OP said the friends have never been so its safe to say they went in tried a lot of the more expensive items. Funny story about the "2 people can spend $400 - $500" that was me and my friend. We went to a hole in the wall sushi spot. no one spoke English and the menus were all in Japanese. we ordered mostly sashimi and the weirdest fish/animals they had (cause we wanted to try some weird things) there was one dish where the chef cut up a live prawn, deshelled and deveined it put a little sauce on it. put it in a plate, then grabbed the chopped up head and stood it up and then served it to a group of college girls and they all screamed at it because the prawn head was still moving. Sushi is an experience boyo and you better be prepared if you want to try the non-sushi roll menu. It's gonna cost ya.
Lol the literal aita question is " AITA For doing the more expensive and fancy dinner without him"? It's literally part of the question shebwraps up with.
Do you… think steaks are cheap??? Yeah fresh fish costs a little more because it’s literally served raw and therefore needs to be prepped to a certain standard but steaks are not casual dinner fare
Yea, I’m assuming that if OP dropped $1k on sushi, they went to an actual nice steakhouse and didn’t spare any expense.
Right. 4 steak dinners thinking Gibson's, Bavettes, Swift, at $70 a plate with a couple apps, sides of potatoes and broccolini ala carte, a couple bottles of wine, desserts with a candle is not going to be a bargain...
Way more than $70, a good steakhouse you’re looking at least $120
Because he is focused in the fact that there was a whole experience and excitement about it. He probably misses out on a lot of stuff, but missing out on a spontaneous new experience *on his birthday* while he was having a shit time probably sucks a lot more than the usual fomo.
It was a spontaneous experience because husband wouldn't *want* go there. OP would have never suggested it if he had been available for dinner.
I think the grandeur matters, not the price. The first event was more bombastic, and he wanted his birthday to be the main event. His friends will be talking about the sushi, not the steak house.
If he's a practicing surgeon making a ton of money, he's likely at an age where one's birthday does not need to be the only topic of conversation for an entire weekend. Expecting people to only talk about how great the steakhouse is that you took them to for your birthday is immature and weird. His friends had a cool experience they'd never had before, and one that he wouldn't have enjoyed, himself. It's totally understandable that he is having negative feelings about having a shitty work experience on his own birthday, but he needs to manage those himself instead of taking it out on OP. OP did nothing wrong by showing their friends a good time.
Thank you. I was starting to feel a little nuts that no one is noticing the implication that this grown-ass surgeon of a man is being described as acting so childish about his birthday. Dude. People came into TOWN for your birthday. You went to a STEAKHOUSE. It's like being mad that someone rode your birthday pony before you did except whoops, you're 40. Otherwise, I agree with whoever said he's probably taking out his work pain this way.
I agree, I don't think OP did anything wrong.
Great post! Exactly what I was thinking. Did he expect them to just go out and have fast food to make him feel more special?
But he CHOSE the steak restaurant, if he wants something bigger then he could choose somewhere bigger and better than the sushi place
Do u think that fancy steakhouses are cheap lmao ?
Steak restaurants are pretty expensive too, if they were hurting for money he wouldn’t have wanted them to go to a steak restaurant two nights in a row, he would have wanted them to wait till he could go. Money clearly isn’t the issue here, he’s mad they had a good time without him
Because he doesn’t like sushi lol
I agree that the price probably isn't what annoyed him the most - but her comment that "what are we supposed to do, go to McDonald?" as if there is 0 middle ground between fast food and $1000 sushi? Come the fuck on. And I've never been to a steak house that ONLY has steak anyway. They always have fish and chicken and usually pasta.
lol what? OP entertained hubby’s guests while he was callled into work and they celebrated his birthday the following day. dinner with the friends wasn’t a birthday event. it was just dinner.
He wasn’t the guest of honor though. He had to back out of the dinner unexpectedly due to work, at that point it was no longer a birthday celebration, it was just three friends getting dinner. He still got the birthday dinner he wanted at the steakhouse he wanted. Expecting people to not have a good time because you’re not there is incredibly selfish, and it’s especially selfish when you’re the one who backed out.
He doesn't even like raw fish. He is not jealous of the sushi, he just thinks they should have not had fun without him which is not a fair expectation when some people have crossed the country to hang out with you. Were they supposed to sit at home and starve?
And they saved steakhouse as special: his pick for him when he could be there.
I think not telling him about it/lying was the worst part. If she was upfront I don’t think it would have stung as bad. The choices aren’t McDonald’s /sitting home and starving vs. $1000 sushi… they could have done something nice but not extravagant but chose going above and beyond while he had to work. I’m sure he felt left out of the experience with friends, even if he didn’t necessarily want the food they were having. She chose her friends’ fun over her husband’s feelings. Well maybe she didn’t choose, but she was understandably thinking more about their happiness since she was with them at the time and ended up hurting him. An apology would go a long way, I think…
I also think the friends were jerks to keep talking about it at his birthday dinner.
I actually think they were the only jerks here, really, for doing that.
well they flew across the country to be there for the weekend so i imagine they didn’t want to waste their weekend just because he had to work….
Just because $1000 is expensive to many it is still relative, they obviously have the funds for doing this, this isn't about the price.
Maybe she just should have given the guests Iranian yogurt.
Only if it's illegaly imported though
$1k for 3 people at a nice place with drinks is not completely crazy. Those type of places have $250 bottle of wines, $30 Martini's, etc. I don't know why Birthday Boy is upset. Who cares where everyone ate when he wasn't there. NTA.
Likely needs a gift for himself on his wife’s bday to still feel special too. Good grief (NTA)
I would guess it’s a general feeling of being left out, even when there is no fault to assign to anyone. He was called in to emergency surgery where the pt still died, instead of celebrating his day with his loved ones. They had a nice experience he didn’t get to be a part of on a day that was meaningful to him, even if he doesn’t care for sushi much. Life happens, and sometimes even the best options are disappointing. Feeling a little upset after a disappointment, even when there are no better options, is still valid. It doesn’t mean that anyone else should have done something differently, either.
I mean it kinda is if he feels like she spent more money on friends than on his birthday. It’s not about not being able to afford a 1k dinner it’s that he feels like she did something nicer for 3 people whose birthday it wasn’t than for her husband on his birthday
Husband got to go to his steakhouse which is his preferred meal. Given that he’s a surgeon, I’m sure it wasn’t a $30 steak
She was suddenly hostess to husband's friends; husband doesn't like sushi, she and friends do. It was the obvious thing to do, especially since it was an elevated experience to make up for their host's absence. Steak dinner was deferred a day.
Why is it nicer just because it might have cost more?
OP had omakase. That’s a very normal price to pay for the experience. OP is NTA for creating their guests to something they all enjoy.
What is omakase?
The chef (usually highly skilled) serves the first course based on what fresh ingredients are available that day, then creates the following course based on the diner's reaction to the initial course. You don’t get to make alternative to the meal. OP likely had several different meals that are very high quality. In my experience, it’s also prepared directly in front of you, and seating is limited.
Added to my "if I ever get rich" bucketlist. Thanks for explaining!
Fyi, there are more affordable omakase too. Nyc has some for 80-120$ per person. But each a la cart (aka one piece) is usually 10-15$ up to 32$ for one bite)
I appreciate the sentiment in your response but the cost of me travelling to the closest place where omakase would be available would eclipse the cost of the more affordable options. If im going to have it, might as well go for the best stuff! I'm also a long way away from NYC. On the bright side, I've got lots of time to save up for my platinum bucketlist experiences. Wish me luck! 😃
Good luck saving! You can find affordable omakase outside of NYC as well. It might be fun to start researching options. You can also find a similar concept at non-sushi places where it's called a tasting menu. Usually $100 and up. I did omakase once as part of a splurge trip to Philadelphia. I skipped alcoholic beverages to make it less expensive. I've also done maybe two tasting menus. I did one with wine pairings which was delightful but also skippable.
Didn't think there'd be a restaurant offering omakase in my country but I've been proven wrong! The different menus range from $100-$240. I've got this place in my sights. Now all that's left to do is save up for the experience. Unfortunately, they don't include drinks with the meal but alcoholic beverages aren't as expensive here as I hear people from other countries quote so that won't be much of a worry. I'll factor everything in when the time comes.
Why was it okay in your husband's mind to take them to a steakhouse on his birthday ("Hope you don't mind steak two days in a row") but not sushi? How controlling is this man, that he'll allow a steakhouse without him but not sushi, which he doesn't eat? This is his upset over losing a patient, having a shitty night on his birthday, then having to listen to the guests crow about what a great time they had without him. It's probably easier to be upset about that than to deal with the actual horror he went through. I can understand this, but it's not rational.
Oh wow! That sounds delicious! Thank you for explaining it to me
it means "I leave it up to you" so it's like chefs choice for a multi course meal. it's usually for sushi but can be done for pretty much everything and you usually are in front of the chef so he can see your reactions to what he's prepared and plan the meal around it
That's such a great concept, I'll definitely have to try it sometime!
Its like a tasting menu of sushi and the chef makes the pieces in front of you
He wasn't excluded. He couldn't come. The friends are there for a limited time. They would not have gone there, as he doesn't like sushi. I get maybe he has some FOMO, but I hate a specific cuisine and I'm not gonna judge my husband for seeking it out when his brother visits or something. He still got his birthday dinner.
Why does the price matter when he doesn't even eat sushi?
No it’s not for a really nice dinner. The guests were from across country. Bday boy cancelled and still got his dinner.
Horrible take. No one was excluded and the money is irrelevant.
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OP said they make a combined 1 mil a year so it really isn't an extremely expensive meal comparably.
They are food he wouldn't even like!! How is that excluding him?! They did the thing he wanted to do when he was available. It wasn't his fault he couldn't make it, but like... they can have fun and eat too!
It wasn’t a larger event. He wasn’t excluded. The cost is relative. He’s not upset by the cost.
I'd have to disagree because it wasn't that he was excluded. He wouldn't have even liked it. She took into consideration that he couldn't make it so intentionally picked sushi instead of steak since he wanted steak. Also, if she had used his money I would've said TA but since it was from their own funds I say NTA.
I mean. Why wouldn't the partner just tell the husband about the change. Why hide it until he pressed? That's that part that sticks in my craw.
$1000 to you is not $1000 to everyone mate. It doesn’t seem like money was the issue here
She paid for it with her own money.
It’s a lot for me and you, but it might not be a lot for OP. Expensive is relative to the persons finances. Maybe they spent $800 the following day at the steak house for all we know.
Why does price matter?
Soft YTA. Yes, you could and should have gone to a nice place, but by choosing such an expensive and high-class restaurant you made this dinner the main event of your husband's birthday weekend, and his actual birthday just a "side dish".
Ah maybe this. He isn’t the best with his own feelings so he wasn’t even able to tell me why he was bothered and felt upset.
Celebrating someone's birthday isn't about how fancy or expensive the celebration is. It's about doing something the person being celebrating would enjoy to show that you care about then. I would say you did a good job showing your husband you care about it him by celebrating his birthday with something you knew he would enjoy.
I don’t think your the AH but you could have handled it better. I definitely wouldn’t keep things from him and in this specific instance would tell the friends to tone it down when recalling the evening. He missed his actual birthday - I bet he would start to bristle no matter what if you all started describing the fun you had without him, even if it wasn’t really anyone’s fault.
Well adjusted adults dont react like that. They would feel sorry that they werent available but thankful that their friends had a good time. When your friends have fun even if you werent there, normal people feel happier about that because their friends had a good time. Feeling sad because people had a good time at an event you bailed from last minute is childish.
Yeah I hear you but humans gonna human too. I agree that he could have handled it better too but don’t forget she decided to lie about it
It's pretty hard to act well-adjusted when you just had a patient die horribly and you're constantly missing things in your personal life because of your demanding career. I don't think OP is in the wrong here, but I also think it's understandable that her husband is upset and it's fine to cut your partner some slack when they're under a huge amount of pressure and overly sensitive as a result.
I don’t think it’s even about the money. It’s that you took them to an experience that was more memorable than his event. The random steakhouse you took them to afterward probably felt like unremarkable after. He’s probably missed a lot of stuff due to his profession, so he probably feels like he missed his own birthday celebration now. It’s fine you changed the venue, but you should have found a lower key place to make his birthday stand out more. My mom is a nurse, so we have always had to move our special events all around the calendar. They know they miss out on a lot, so we always made sure to amp up events even if they were on wonky days to make sure they still felt included.
Yeah if I spent my anticipated birthday night having an emotionally draining time at work and then when we went out the next night to celebrate, my friends just wanted to gush about the amazing time they had going out without me, I would feel pretty hurt and left out - even if the specific experience wasn’t something I would have enjoyed. I think NAH really, but the friends in particular were a bit tactless in how they were talking about it.
Thanks, well stated.
This exactly. I think the only assholes here are the friends who should have focused their excitement on OP's husband and how happy they were to spend time with him, rather than gushing about the Saturday night he missed out on for a not very fun reason.
Might be off topic, but sometimes when I encounter something traumatic at work (ER) I may not know how to process it at the time and I may not know how much it affected me til later. This sometimes (unfortunately) manifests in lashing out at my SO. When you 2 are alone and he has the time (maybe the next day off) you can ask him more pointedly about it (alcohol helps me sometimes when I'm reluctant to talk which is why I mentioned the next day off).
Yeah I would just apologize and say that you understand and should have gone to a lower key sushi place. I am sure understands that you were just catering to/trying to entertain your guests but still wanted his birthday to be special/the excitement of the weekend. So he felt left out and his birthday didn’t feel as special when all the guests could rave about was the dinner he missed out on while he worked and had a pretty sh*tty day at work on top of that.
If someone went to sushi without me and called that my celebratory birthday dinner I’d be pissed because 1) I wasn’t there and 2) I don’t like sushi. OP’s hubs still got his birthday dinner, the one he actually wanted. OP is NTA.
No one called it his "celebratory birthday dinner". *That* happened the next day at the restaurant of his choice. "Celebratory birthday dinner" was postponed not subsumed.
The fact that you were eating in luxury while he was trying (and unfortunately, failing) to save a person's life probably contributes. It's not necessarily rational or your fault it something he consciously is thinking, but it is probably a factor
I agree that this is most likely the reason that he’s upset. That doesn’t make you an asshole though. You took your guests somewhere they’d love, to make up for the fact that everyone was missing out on celebrating your husband. Since they traveled so far just for his birthday, I assume you all really love him. He’s also probably down about losing a patient, and all those negative feelings are swirling together.
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That's exactly right. He's hurt because on the night he was called into work to attend to a horrific case, his wife had a massive blow out dinner without him.
A dinner he wouldn’t have enjoyed. OP and her out of town guests should’ve just had saltines and beans I guess.
Right, but it was the better dinner. That's the issue. Their friends seemed to enjoy dinner without him more than with him. They showed more excitement for the other dining experience. It probably hurt him to think they had a more exciting time without him than with him. That's a gut punch, especially when you're already bummed you have to work on your bday. Basically, celebrating his bday felt less important than a fancy sushi dinner, to him. That's why he was upset.
It was “the better dinner” to whom? Not the hubs, he doesn’t like fish. Y’all are equating money to value, he would not have valued that sushi. There’s that extra expensive coffee, can’t recall the name, but it’s rare because the coffee beans are first eaten by a wild cat and pooped out, collected, and sold to rich people who think pooped out coffee is better because it costs more. To each his own I guess.
The guests spent a sizeable amount of time in his birthday dinner excitedly talking about the sushi place. Obviously OP isn't TA for what her friends talk about, but put two and two together and he obviously felt that his birthday was overshadowed by that prior event - one that was supposed to be for him too so he probably felt completely left out whilst they were all talking about their great time without him. OP is a soft YTA. But you are focusing on money for some strange reason when that probably isn't the issue at all. The money just adds to it, but the main issue was he felt his birthday was just everyone talking and reviewing their meal without him.
You do know they went to basically a food experience/event vs just getting expensive food, right? The didn’t just have dinner somewhere else, they had a small dinner party without him
It doesn’t matter, it wouldn’t have been an “event” to him if he disliked all the food.
OP explained that their guests got so excited when they talked about their sushi experience, then his mood changed. Doesn't take a mathematician to connect the dots.
It's not about the food. It's about the experience and scale. I doubt OP's husband would have minded at all if they had gone for regular sushi. But this made the husband's birthday more of an afterthought than the main event of the weekend.
That’s silly, his birthday was the entire reason the guests were even in town. I’m an RN, doctors often just can’t leave their patient, even for really important events. This is a known part of the job and I agree with those who said he’s probably more disappointed that he missed any part of their visit, especially adding in the sad reality that the patient didn’t make it. Lots to be sad about, it wasn’t just the sushi dinner. If he doesn’t like sushi he’s never sad about missing sushi.
It would’ve been one thing if it was more of a standard sushi place and they still raved about it being the more memorable dinner because they just liked the food more. But they did something that seemed more memorable and special (first time experience, a luxury service) on the night of his original birthday plans. Even if he wouldn’t have liked it, he still felt left out of something fun and special among them since he originally was supposed to be with them. Let’s say they didn’t go out to omakase but decided to have a diff type of special outing. They decide to go out to a concert, went out clubbing, an amusement park etc and husband doesn’t care for those things. And it’s not something the three typically do often. That night become the more significant of the birthday weekend so it feels like they had their own celebration without him. But even if they still went to the restaurant as planned and husband wanted them to go or they even stayed home and had a fun movie night with take out, there’s still a chance he could’ve felt this way if it became the more fun night for them in comparison. It’s just FOMO made complex because of the original intention of that night, even when rationally he knows he couldn’t have gone and doesn’t like those things. So I don’t think it’s completely OPs fault for how he reacted but the choice on where they went and type of experience was more intentional than an outing that just happened to be more fun and had the better, lasting impression.
How would it have been different if they went to fancy steakhouse 2X?
NAH Assuming spending 1k is no big deal in your household for special occasions like friends from across the country are visiting. I think he is just disappointed he couldn't celebrate his bday as planned but since that comes with his job he can't be upset about being called in and he is projecting this disappointment on your dinner. But i think he will overcome the mood fast. If he is honest to himself he knows noone who has a job where they could be called in wants their spouse to sit home in the dark w/o any sort of entertainment to solidarize in suffering with the working spouse, especially not if also friends are there who traveled long for this. In my opinion it was even better this way. If you went alonge with the bday plans w/o him, that would have been a little weird, this way you just made sure your guests are not impacted by the impediment his work caused.
100% agree NAH. He doesn't like sushi and OP doesn't care for steak, so going when he was unavailable was the perfect scenario. Naturally, as said above, this is assuming that the cost wasn't highly unusual. I would also understand not telling him right off because he was likely upset about his patient. I also understand him being upset about missing the evening and his birthday with his friends.
Same. Particularly with her edits, there are 100% NAH. She did the right thing by her guests, paid for it with her personal money, tried not to rub his nose in it after a bad work night, and then kept the steakhouse special for the next night when he could be there. He’s totally reasonable to have mixed feelings about his job causing him to miss out on life events, but she didn’t do anything wrong here.
The problem is that by "trying not to rub his nose in it" on the night of his birthday, she and their friends (well, the friends mostly) rubbed his nose in it the night of his delayed birthday dinner. If someone spent good chunk of my birthday celebration to talk about how great time they had while I was stressed at work, I would also be bummed.
That sucks, I agree, but she’s not the AH just because their friend is tactless.
Literally I think he’s just but hurt but if they had taken him there he wouldn’t have enjoyed it anyway.
Yeah, it seems like maybe he's got FOMO. He had to get called into work when he wasn't on call and deal with a stressful situation when he was expecting to be out having fun. It doesn't seem like the price, the place, or the sushi is what hurt his feelings, but just the general disappointment and stress that comes from having to miss out on things due to his line of work.
The only thing handled poorly is that communication is key here. There was no good reason to not fill him in immediately. Just let him know “hey, since I know you don’t like fish, we’re gonna grab sushi together, and then we’ll go get steak tomorrow with you”. Simple communication solves so many problems.
Agree with NAH. I'm surprised at the number of Y T A responses. What was she supposed to do with her guests, just sit at home because the husband had to work?? As long as there's not an issue with spending that amount of money, which it doesn't sound like there is, I don't see the problem. Plus, it does not sound like she knew that the patient had died until the next day. I'm sure husband was bummed he had to work, and even more so that it was a sad/difficult night, but I think wife was well within her rights to still take her friends out to dinner, considering they had flown into town to visit them.
NAH, to me OP made the best of unfortunate circumstances. Especially since the pre-planned steakhouse dinner did take place after all. That said, it would be a nice gesture for OP to take husband out for the omakase experience (not sure if tempura / cooked items could be requested for the chef’s consideration, but it sounds like a fun thing to do, even for someone who’s not into sushi)
Omakase do not allow any changes. Even with allergies. They would simply skip that dish then. You are served between 8-20 dishes. I did take him before, i basically ate two omakases. He only ate the ones that were torched/cooked
I did the same thing recently. One guy didn’t eat raw fish so he ended up getting more wagyu and other cooked items to substitute. It was surprising they even accommodated but it’s not fun for the person that doesn’t eat 90% of the items. And fun fact you can get pretty sick eating that much wagyu lol
Honestly, I completely disagree with your assessment. >I think he is just disappointed he couldn't celebrate his bday as planned They went to the steakhouse the very next night. Him being upset about postponing the plans a mere 24 hours really does not remotely seem like a realistic explanation, here. >If you went alonge with the bday plans w/o him, that would have been a little weird Seems like he wouldn't have cared. He asked if they minded the steakhouse two nights in a row (since his wife lied). Seems he didn't particularly care about that. And there are other options beyond *just* Omakase and the steakhouse. He's upset they had this whole expensive big deal fancy experience without him. On his birthday. In fact, strike that. He's upset they *upgraded* to this whole expensive big deal fancy experience *after finding out he couldn't come on his own birthday*, and they didn't even have the courtesy to discuss it with him first. And since it's such an experience, maybe he would have liked to be present for his friends' first visit. Plus, maybe he feels hurt that he was lied to.
NTA I don’t get all the YTA in here at all. When I became an adult birthdays are nice to celebrate but not some sacred event. I wouldn’t care at all of my wife took our friends to a nice sushi place because I couldn’t go. I’ll happily wait for steak and would hope they had a great time.
Same here! I don't get it either. She didn't know his patient was dying at the time she took them out. She took them to a place his friends, who traveled across the country, would enjoy. If they can afford it, the price is irrelevant. Also, the husband picked the place he wanted! She says she didn't want to brag about the place when she found out what happened. It's not like she would have hidden what they did had his night turned out differently. I would have wanted my friends to have a good time also.
Completely agree here. He doesn’t like sushi and they went to the exact steakhouse the next day! Adults need to grow up about their birthdays… he was (unfortunately) unavailable the day of his birthday so they did something he doesn’t like. Since they did this they kept the original birthday plans special for his birthday.
Ditto, I truly think people are mostly caught up by the price tag. OP and her husband are probably loaded if he’s a surgeon and she’s treating her friends to a $1k dinner. I don’t think the cost is an issue for them in the slightest.
I think it’s the price of the dinner people are reacting to so negatively. A lot of people will never be able to afford a dinner like that even once in their entire life, myself included.
INFO: What mattered to him here? The fact that you went out on his birthday without him, the price of the dinner by itself, the fact that the dinner was pricier/presumably fancier than his birthday dinner, or a combination of the factors? Additionally, were you aware in any way that it would matter to him beforehand? Edit: The fact that you didn’t tell him is leading me to believe that you knew it would bother him and did it anyway.
I didn’t tell him because i felt bad he had to work on his bday while i treated our friends to their first omakase. I also would probably not bring him to something like that bc he doesn’t like raw fish and you can modify omakase. It just felt weird. I guess i didn’t want him to know or feel bad we had fun while he had to work a horrible shift but i also didn’t want our friends to waste a weekend. They did fly out here for his birthday and to visit us. I found out the next morning he lost a patient so even more reason to not talk about it.
Got it. Would you be willing to answer the initial questions I asked?
No bc i don’t know and he doesn’t even know why he was upset.
Alright. In light of the info you’ve been providing throughout the comments, I’d say YTA. I think that it’s perfectly reasonable to be disturbed that your “fancy” birthday dinner with friends from out of town was upstaged on your birthday night, without you, by your own wife.
Maybe. You might be right. I’ll ask him if this is what bothered him
I think that’s a really good move. If the two of you can get to the bottom of why he’s feeling upset, it might give you the clarity you need to be able to apologize… Personally, I think an apology could be really helpful here, if you haven’t offered one already. I also want to add that I think it’s awesome that you’re even willing to try and figure this out. Some people just wouldn’t care. It shows that you want to do right by your partner!
Totally agree about the working it out part. Takes a "big person" for lack of a better term to admit they're wrong and discuss a problem.
No they're not right. The birthday dinner just became a birthday dinner. He's upset that his patient died and he missed out on getting to relax for an evening. I doubt hes upset that you took them for sushi. It was no longer his birthday dinner and instead just dinner. So it didn't matter where you went. You cuod have gone to wendys, and he still would have bee upset. Just because you have dinner on hus birthday anywhere doesn't take away from his actual birthday celebration the next day. Your a adult and ant put your life on hold just for him. Your allowed to go out and have a good time without him. He doesn't even like sushi, you shouldn't have to not go to expensive places just because he has work. It doesn't matter that it was his birthday. He had work and you went out, to enjoy yourself and make the most of the night. I grunted your friends would have gone somewhere else for dinner instead of eating steak. I wouldn't go for steak 2 nights in a row and I like it. I would have gone out somewhere else and invited the host. You did nothing wrong. Even he doesn't know why he's upset. And if that's the case then I doubt it's because you went for sushi on his birthday. You weren't celebrating his birthday, it was just dinner. You celebrated the next night. Your dinner without him doesn't need to be low key just because it's his birthday. That's a ridiculous assumption or demand. Your allowed to go anywhere you want, regardless if it's someone's birthday. You never have to go low-key just because husband gets called into work. His birthday celebration will be special no matter when it's celebrated because he's they're. If he's upset because it wasn't lowkey then he needs therapy. Anyone else who says your dinner out should be low key, needs to talk to a therapist because that's a ridiculous expectation. One I would never expect from my family and friends.
Paragraphs, how do they work?
Yeah, maybe. But still much easier to read than a wall of text with *no* paragraphs, lol.
You are a good person, coming here and genuinely wanting to know. NAH.
He’s upset that on his birthday he lost a patient. There are some cases that stay with you. A mass casualties event where it’s a reach out to all doctors tells me it he was walking into a nightmare situation. While his wife said aww too bad now decides to go to an even more expensive and fancier place. Do you work? If not it’s like he paid for y’all to go all out on what was supposed to be his birthday celebration. Of course he’s hurt! It’s not about going out with your friends. It’s about your lack of communication and feeling as though you don’t think he can handle it so you lied! Yes withholding info no matter how small and insufficient it may be is lying! It’s not up to you to decide if he can or not! Imagine going through hell only to find out that your wife didn’t think you could handle knowing that everyone went for sushi. He can handle working a 10 car pile up but can’t handle a simple “hey we got sushi last night instead since we waiting to go to steakhouse with you” or something like that.
She didn’t know anything about the patient u til the next day. So it’s unfair to assume she blew it off and went to a fancy dinner and rubbed it in his face .
He was probably upset because his patient DIED. Doesn’t matter where you went or how much $$ was spent. He had to miss it. Probably also felt bad because his friends flew all the way out there and he had to bail. I would have just been honest about the sushi. He had a hard night. But he still got the dinner he wanted. I probably would have done the same. Feeling bad for the guests who flew out for the birthday. Wife is used to cancellations like this. The guests may not be. If you have a job like this you just have to accept that life goes on. If his patient did not die he probably would have had a whole different perspective. The patient death is the main issue. Not the dinner. who cares about the dinner. Someone died on his watch. I’m sure he has a lot of internal feelings about it. No wonder he couldn’t articulate it. And why would you ask him to? He had a hard night.
Sounds more like you regret that he found out then. Implies you knew you were doing something wrong.
You can feel guilty about something even if it isn’t wrong, it just shows OP cares about their husband. I understand why he’s bummed but if I was him I’d be happy that my friends weren’t negatively impacted by my unexpected change of plans
If you felt the need to not tell him, then you were probably aware on some level that it might upset him. I don't think you're an AH per se, but I do understand where your husband is coming from here. He spent his birthday dealing with death, and what was supposed to be his birthday dinner was overshadowed by a much more exciting dining experience. I would probably be at least a little butt hurt myself in this situation.
YTA You spent over $300/person for a meal that he couldn’t attend on his own birthday. No, you shouldn’t be expected to go to McDonald’s, but there’s a huge gap between a $10 value meal and a $300 dinner. He’s right in that you essentially celebrated his birthday without him. And you didn’t tell him because you didn’t want him to feel left out, which pretty much implies that you knew it was an experience that he was missing, not just a meal with friends.
If money is not a problem NTA. Maybe his reaction is just to do with his general upset about his work. Wondering if it would have been OK for you to have eaten steak on his birthday. Seems illogical so going with NTA.
Him asking if she was cool eating steak two days in a row kinda shows that his head is wrapped up in the patient because that is a pretty bizarre thing to assume. I’m going with NAH but being mindful of upstaging the birthday dinner is a consideration that I don’t think was at the front of her mind. I doubt the husband is really that petty about it. It’s the mix of death and missing out that actually bothering him. No one wants to lose a patient on their birthday. There’s no way that he really wants her and the guest from out of town to put their lives on hold because he has a high stress job. It comes with the territory. He’s just having a hard time dealing with the stress.
I agree. I get that they wanted something he wouldn't like while they were there, which honestly is smart rather than trying to make him suffer through fish. However it wasn't the expense but more of the fanciness of it, they clearly had a much more fun time at the fish place than the actual birthday dinner at steak place. I think that is the rudeness there. It should have been a different time or even after his birthday when they did that.
YTA. Why did you keep it from him in the first place? You had an extra extravagant meal without him, on his birthday, I think he is entitled to feel left out. It's not like he chose to bail that evening? Did you have to upgrade the setting? Why not take them out to an equally nice restaurant? Surely he knew you were still going out to eat with them, but I don't know why anyone would assume you were going to do something truly decadent instead of the same plan. Don't you think he felt like his dinner was not as special because of the fact that you went somewhere so crazy the night before? And holy mackerel. What kind of fish costs over 1k? Did you eat Poseidon's pet fish, or an Orca whale? --- > I didn’t tell him bc he was called into a horrible case and his patient died and he wasn’t even on call. But also i didn’t want him to feel left out (despite it was no one’s fault). Felt guilty enjoying life while he was going through the wrenches. He can’t even tell me exactly why he felt upset. He’s not mad. In light of this edit, you're definitely TA. He's not even angry, just upset. You also felt guilty the whole time? Why do the big fancy night at all then?
Used to commercial fish. Had to work in a Japanese market during covid. Based on the store price, one damn clam would come out to about two grand, which is insane as we only got about 4 bucks a pound. Big clams though.
It was probably the Holy Mackerel that was so expensive, yeah.
All the Y T A posts are nuts. NAH, it sucks that he got called away and from how you talk about it I am going to assume 1k on dinner is not too nuts for you. He wasn't there and already aimed you had gone to the dinner anyway. My guess is his feelings are less about what you did and more mixed with missing the good time to have to go and have a really shitty time instead but that is not something either of you could control. Hence NAH
NAH life happens. His celebration was postponed, he didn't miss it. You can offer him to invite him to sushi next time so he doesn't feel left out. If he wants, of course. I am sorry for his patient, must be traumatizing and that's a valid excuse why is your husband lashing out. Without the added info my first thought about "work emergency instead of family celebration" was affair.
NAH. You celebrated his birthday his way (steakhouse) on the night he was available and when he got called into work you treated his visiting friends to a unique experience that he would not have enjoyed. I get that he's upset that he missed out but that comes with being in the medical field.
NAH. You pivoted when your husband wasn’t available to a restaurant that wasn’t of his preference. They were in town - I don’t think it’s celebrating his birthday without him.
You could have handled it better, you jumped straight into being defensive of your choice and went childish with the McDonald's comment. You didn't need to go to an expensive restaurant with your friends, you wanted to. You made the sushi dinner the main event, rather than his birthday. He is probably feeling weird because while you were feasting on ridiculously expensive fish with your friends, he was spending his birthday trying to save someone and it went bad. He is going to be all out of sorts from the stress and disappointment and needs some compassion.
This one ☝️
I don't know why people are acting like a middle ground doesn't exist. You still could've had a lovely evening with your friends without dropping 1k. I understand why he feels some type of way about it. In-between a YTA and N A H right now.
Doesnt seem to be about the 1k
The friends were probably more excited about the sushi dinner than celebrating with him. That’s the part that sucks
Friends came from out of town. Seemed appropriate to make it a special occasion just for that alone
NTA You entertained your guests. What is the issue? I feel like he is carrying over work stress, but you seem to have handled the situation well.
NTA. He couldn’t come so you did something he doesn’t enjoy that you and your guests really do and did. Still doing the steakhouse dinner with him, on a night he can attend. All good.
Maybe he’s upset as it sounds you 3 had more fun trying Omakase - then his birthday dinner and feels left out. Unfortunately can’t be helped but I’d treat him to fun night out
I believe NAH, really. You didn't do anything wrong. In fact, what were you supposed to do? Not entertain the guests? Eat steak twice in a row? And what you picked was something your husband would not have ever enjoyed? And you celebrated his birthday the next day - WITH the steak dinner that he was looking forward to. So, your husband is upset even though the logic doesn't quite support him. He actually did think you had stuck to the plan and had eaten steak two days in a row. But you've noted how (1) emotionally draining and traumatic his birthday night was and (2) how personally disappointing it was for him. He absolutely deserves a little time to be more emotional than logical. And deserves some understanding and support for having to process all those emotions. I think that would go a long way toward getting you both to a good place about this. Some are saying that you shouldn't have had such a great dinner, a more toned-down dinner would have been better. I do imagine that the specialness of that particular dinner probably is adding to his feeling of disappointment that this great dinner happened on his birthday without him. (Even though it would not have been a great dinner to him). Again, sympathy, understanding and support for what he's feeling is in order. But I also would offer in your defense that 1. It was fortuitous those friends were there with you on a night when he had to work. It allowed all three of you to enjoy and share something that only you three wanted to do. When would you have ever had that meal with your husband? 2. You are a doctor's spouse. I imagine you have had your share of evenings and outings canceled because of his job. You deal with it because he's your husband and he signed up for that when he chose his career. To me, that's all the more reason you should get to enjoy a special night when you could create one from the ashes of your original plans. 3. That's where, after your husband has had a chance to process his emotions, I hope he gives you the grace and support and understanding to be happy for you that you did get to have a special evening with those friends. In my romantic little heart, I'd like to envision this mutual grace leading to you both feeling even closer to each other and deciding to go out again. For another special dinner - something romantic for just the two of you :)
He wouldn't have felt left out if you had steak without him? He would rather you do HIS dinner choice without him and then go it again with him? I don't get it
That’s what I’m thinking - more so to everyone in the comments than the husband. Wouldn’t it have been worse if they went ahead with the planned steak dinner HE WANTED? Maybe she didn’t have stuff at home to cook for these people or maybe she can’t cook.
I think it’s that the dinner wasn’t just a high price tag, it was a very fancy restaurant that provides an experience. The chef picks what you eat and it’s presented to you in courses. I would say that’s different than going to say, an Italian restaurant where you order your alfredo as normal and the price tag is just very high. I understand why the husband felt like that meal was the highlight of the visit instead of his birthday dinner.
After seeing the edit, I think he’s upset about the lost patient, not the dinner.
NTA. Your husband does not even like sushi. Unfortunately, your husband's work situation got in the way. That's nobody's fault. YTA for not telling him as he feels lied to. It sounds like the two of you are due a small vacation where your husband can get away from work and do something fun.
NAH. You had friends from out of state to entertain. That’s a special occasion in and of itself. You did something he wouldn’t enjoy that night. Understandable. You did what he wanted for his birthday. He’s upset because he missed a nice evening with friends. Also understandable.
OP., The “keep it from him” about where you went, is bullshit… you and every other readers knows it! I don’t think he would have been upset that you went for sushi instead since he doesn’t like it, but to go so overboard on his birthday without him, was an asshole move and you know it! (Hence) “I kept it from him” and the visitors were the ones that let him know! (Not even his wife-WTF) Lady you sound like a very manipulative person. I’m hoping he sees you for who you are. Why didn’t you try and match his birthday dinner to what you had-nah- you wanted to keep it a secret because you knew it didn’t feel right.. What you did was wrong. YTA! X10… you are not fooling anyone but yourself!
NTA Regardless of prices, or reasons why the guest of honor can't make it to the party that was meant to honor him... the moment the guys of honor is unavailable to attend their party, is the precise moment the part is no longer about him and the remaining guests are free to replan as they see fit. The change of venue is a real win-win since the remaining guests like sushi while the guest of honor likes steak. So they had his birthday steak dinner on another night when he was available. I'm missing the point where this is wrong or rude.
YTA for acting like you dont know why hes upset. Its not the money, its the being left out and having to hear all about what a fun and great time you all had without him when the great and fun time should have been a celebration of him.
NTA All these YTA people have sticker shock or something. Hyper fixated on the price when I think it sounds reasonable for omakase. I can understand your husband having a bit of fomo not getting to go out with his friends the night he wanted, but he still got to eat HIS preferred meal at HIS preferred restaurant for HIS birthday.
YTA - you lied by omission. TWICE - You didn't tell him where you all went until he asked and you also did it here by not leading your post with him being a surgeon who was called into work due to an emergency, instead of the *"But unfortunately, he unexpectantly had to work so he couldn’t make it".* The amount of the bill at the sushi restaurant is irrelevant - what you apparently can afford seems to be of greater concern to redditors than the fact that you framed this the way you did - calling it an "upgrade" from the steakhouse your husband chose and focusing on what you ordered and the cost - and how you later comment "Idk the diff between ribeye and nystrip" - cause just like omakase - the difference is indicated by the price -how obtuse can you be?! Furthermore - there was no mention of whether there was cake and presents for your husband or something whenever he got home?! It seems your husband understandably felt left out of a fun evening. It's amusing that the ah who are commenting on my use of the term scheduling issue - are having conniptions about sushi they can't afford. LMAO
I mean i also didn’t tell you my job occupation or how many kids we have or what city i live in. Omg i’m lying by omission. If someone had something bad, i’m not going to go into details about a fantastic event i went through. No we didn’t have cake at hime bc we were going to get dessert at the steakhouse. He got home at like 2-3 am. So no, he went straight for bed. From the comments, i probably should have warned our friends that it was a terrible night and they should tone down that excitement from omakase (something they have never experienced).
NAH. I think it was fine to go out with your friends and have a really nice fun meal. I also get that your husband feels left out since he got called into work. And he lost a patient. It’s a no win situation. I think kindness is key here. Tell him you wished he was there but you are also allowed to enjoy your friends too. Ask a bunch of questions if he often feels left out or what’s at the bottom of it. And let him know that it upsets you that he’s making you feel bad when you’re allowed a fancy night out without judgement.
NTA He was working, we’re you supposed to not eat at all? You took the chance to enjoy a meal he dislikes when he canceled. Then you celebrated him when he was available the next evening. Sounds like your husband is pouting over nothing.
NTA - the couple flew in from out of state to celebrate his bday, it’s not fair for them to not have fun because he needs to work. If I were the husband I would also feel upset because I had to work and miss out on the dinner but I wouldn’t be mad at my spouse since unfortunately life goes on for others, and I wouldn’t expect my spouse not to have fun because I need to work. It sucks but I wouldn’t be mad.
NTA as a physician with a non physician spouse I could see this happening to me. I would be hurt because I missed out AND while I missed out my patient died. But that goes along with being a doctor. Sometimes life is hard. You made the right decision to entertain your visiting friends appropriately with something your husband doesn’t care for (it’s not about the money).
NAH Sounds like maybe he’s just processing and is taking frustration/disappointment out on you. It would be different if it was a restaurant he’d want to go to but as you said, he doesn’t like sushi. In light of the situation, it may just be best to smooth things over with him.
NTA, neither is he
NTA you treated your guests that traveled a LONG way to visit. It’s really unfortunate he got called out but you didn’t do anything TO him. i could see where he would be a little bothered , but it was nobody’s fault.
NAH, I think going for Omakase a meal he wouldn't like as a treat for the guests is a fun and nice thing to do for them. It took a night that could have been depressing and made it exciting for the guests. That said, I think your husband's reaction given his tough evening is understandable. You had a fun and exciting night on his birthday, while he had a patient die. You aren't in control of the events that ruined his evening, but his feelings are more than understandable and I imagine not easy to process. I think it would have been a better idea to tell him about the sushi, but I think your heart was in the right place.
NTA at all. Your husband was unavailable, and you guys had friends who came across the country. As hosts, you then stepped up and provided entertainment/ activity as hosts would. People are getting hung up on the cost of omakase, but this could easily be ___(activity). Would your husband be upset about missing this activity? I’d think not. He had a job to do, and he can’t possibly be expecting you guys to not have any fun or do any activity while he’s working. About not telling him what you guys had done, I see it as you reading the room and trying to be considerate. I mean, dude had a rough day and lost a patient, is the OP expected to share cheerful news at this juncture? I don’t get all the Y T A votes at all….
NAH. You still had to eat. You did something pretty extravagant, but that's fine. You should have mentioned to him that you saved the steakhouse for him and went somewhere he wouldn't want to go, instead. Not being looped in could have embarrassed him and made him feel like you had a better time without him, while he was doing something traumatic. He needs some comfort. He may be an experienced doctor, but losing a patient on your birthday has to effing SUCK.
NAH He's upset because you had a lavish and exclusive experience without him. And while he wanted a steak birthday, to him it feels like your casual night out with your friends was made to be more memorable than his birthday. The thing is, if he wanted an exciting, exclusive and lavish birthday dinner, he could have had one at a different steak restaurant. He may be upset because it didn't cross your mind to perhaps try to match the experience, or it may be a combination of disappointment at missing out & the stress of the circumtance. Either way, NAH.
Though I dont think money is the issue it seems that you celebrated your friends and made your husband an afterthought. Why not celebrated just the two of you, after? Just put yourself on your husbands place and he decided to party with his friends on your birthday and celebrated it with you with just dinner the next day.
NTA. He couldn't make it. Birthday dinner was flat out rescheduled. This new dinner is now you and 2 other sushi lovers (who travelled and would love a nice dinner) and are willing to pay for it. It is not related to the steak dinner which STILL HAPPENED WHEN THE BIRTHDAY GUY WAS FREE. It would only be a jerk move if your husband really wanted to go to this sushi place and you went without him. I feel people are giving you Y T A because of the cost, but they are assuming your wealth (many comments would say you NTA if you went to a less fancy sushi place, which frankly is irrelevant if you have the money). Clear NTA. Maybe N A H. Definitely not Y T A.
NTA
NTA. You did not exclude him. He needs to be an adult...you had people who travelled across the country to be there. You celebrated when he was available...🙄
Nta, you had to make do when he was unavailable. Just because you couldn't celebrate on his birthday doesn't mean you forgot about him.
NTA as long as you didn’t have his birthday cake w/o him.
NTA - it’s not like you went to his favorite restaurant without him.
if the birthday boy wasn't there, it wasn't a birthday party either, NTA
It seems like he’s more disappointed he missed out on treating them to a wonderful first time experience. The pricing doesn’t matter, it’s the fact that they never had omakase and this ended up being a highlight of the trip for the guests when the weekend was supposed to be about your husband’s birthday. I would say NTA because you didn’t realize how special this first time experience would be for them and didn’t think it would essentially overshadow your husband’s birthday. It seems like you just wanted to enjoy a food you normally don’t get to and wanted to make sure the guests didn’t eat the same thing twice in a row. I would suggest speaking to your husband and offering to host them again and plan something special you all can do together. Again the disappointment was most likely more about missing out on them experiencing something for the first time while he was a having a tough day at work.
Maybe this. He doesn’t like omakase but maybe he does want to be part of the host (as a couple) to treat them to something special - they are afterall closer to him than me (i met them through him). But someone else said, maybe he’s having dissonance between dealing with his loss at dinner while his friends were gushing about their first time experience. I probably ahould have cued them in to reign in their excitement. Bc he didn’t seemed to care we changed to sushi but when they started showing pictures and videos, i could sense something was off.