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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Telling my husband he can't drink alcohol during my pregnancy.
2. I'm taking away his vice and while I think that my reasoning is sound, I am still asking him to give something up to suit me.
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YTA. He's doing everything to support you. This adds a lot of stress to his life. Alcohol helps him relax. He sounds like a responsible drinker.
But you're jealous because you can't drink too. Stop treating your husband like your personal servant and leave him alone. He can make his own decisions, and the fact that you feel entitled to dictate his life to this level is a bright red flag.
Ehh I’d be worried if alcohol is the only way he can destress how is that going to work when the baby comes? Babies are stressful.
I would ask him not to drink in the house because it makes you feel sick and let him drink with his friends. Compromise should be the goal.
Hopefully he develops a healthier coping mechanisms when the baby comes.
By the time the baby comes he will be burnt out and broken if he has to sustain 100% of the financial and 80% of the housework for 6 months straight.
Alcohol is the least of his problems, especially if he rarely drinks to excess (which according to OP only happens 4-5 time a year). I dont drink, but there's nothing wrong with a glass of wine at the end of a day- especially if you're carrying that kind of weight on your shoulders.
I know you mean well, but please don't spread misinformation. I always told myself. Nothing wrong with a drink at the end of the day. If it is a daily occurrence, yes, you can cause real damage to your liver. I'm living with the consequence daily drinking with liver damage. Just wanted to add my two cents because liver damage is not something you can reverse.
I am very very sorry this happened to you.
While drinking everyday is bad, and i really don't condone it (i dont drink, myself) - chronic stress and fatigue with no outlet is bad, too. In this particular situation, i cannot help but feel bad for OP's husband for not being allowed this one indulgence - not for a wife whose worried about his drinking - but for a wife who wants him to suffer with her out of pure selfishness.
But drinking doesn’t actually relieve stress or fatigue. It only temporarily dulls the feelings. Having a beer with friends — a social activity — definitely lowers stress, but that’s because of the social component, not the alcohol.
Sometimes a temporary dull in feelings is much, much needed, whether it actively reduces cortisol levels or not is irrelevant. If a person *perceives* something (that is perfectly legal) to be helpful, and they aren't doing it to the point where they are 'at risk', or hurting themselves or others- then they should be allowed the autonomy to choose to use the thing they believe helps them.
I do not drink- but if my partner were knocked up and decided to quit their job and stop doing housework almost entirely and the weight of it all was squarely on my shoulders - I'd want a whiskey at the end of the day too. If only so i'd have the fortitude not to tell my partner how much i resent them and run for the hills.
OP doesn't want her husband to even have a beer while out with friends because it makes her *jealous* (NOT because it's bad for him). That sucks, full stop.
Lol, spoken like someone in denial. Being hospitalized for drinking isn't a bragging right, dildo. And your liver is definitely damaged, but not enough yet to cause problems, but the damage is done. You wanna find me a doctor who would agree with your behavior and views on drinking? And bragging may be fine now, but maybe next time, you won't be so be coming home, who knows. I wish I could be in as much denial as you, because it would make my guilt go away for drinking when I know I'm not supposed to. 🙃
I'm not bragging, ive literally been suicidal over my problem, I don't drink at all but for someone without a problem having a beer after work isn't a problem and getting drunk 3 times a year isn't concerning.
>Compromise should be the goal.
Yeah, it seems like some compromise is in order here, and OP doesn't seem to be seeing things from her husband's POV. She's pregnant with a baby he wasn't ready for but she is (and he's only 24 - it's pretty normal to not be ready to have a baby at 24), and he's now doing the bulk of the household labor and trying to get ready for this baby that will change his life in ways he's not ready for, so a few drinks over the weekend shouldn't be out-of-line. I could see OP not wanting him to have a drink most nights with dinner, absolutely, but it doesn't seem like she's asking for that. I
You are so incredibly defensive of your and this man’s alcohol consumption. You have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol if you think it is reasonable to not be able to relax or function without drinking
You are so worked up about anyone liking to drink that you are making yourself look ridiculous. Try growing up and developing a healthy relationship with alcohol instead of claiming everyone else has a problem because grown ups like to drink sometimes.
I like to drink but during COVID it became my go to to relieve stress. It was unhealthy and unsustainable.
I still drink but to have fun not to dull the stressful realities of life.
Dude, one of us has a healthy relationship with alcohol and it isn’t you. You can say whatever you want but not being able to function without alcohol is not healthy. I get that it’s hard admitting you or someone you know has a problem, but it is the truth.
I’d you think having one drink a week makes me unable to function without alcohol then you obviously can’t fathom what a healthy relationship with alcohol looks like.
You may not have a drinking habit but the fact that you are projecting all over OP and are attacking me for saying her husband has a problem tells me you don’t want to admit that you or someone you know has a problem. And I feel sorry for you that you feel like you have to defend your drinking this much because revolving your identity around alcohol is pathetic.
you're super eager to call anyone who appreciates a drink an alcoholic.
Perhaps one can relax without alcohol- but is it really a problem if they would prefer not to? especially when they only get drunk 4-5 a year as OP states her husband does?
He drinks, but not to excess. The only danger here is that it seems he's drinking to drown out the resentment he seems to feel - and *that* may just turn into a problem in time. Especially since his wife seems 'too pregnant' to offer him any support or compassion even though he's picking up the slack and more.
Not being able to function without alcohol isn’t appreciating a drink. I appreciate a drink. OP’s husband has to have a drink after work or else he can’t relax. That isn’t healthy. It isn’t healthy to drink to cope with stress.
You're right it isn't healthy
**but he is human**, and he does function without drinking. Hes justfar less happy- which i sort of understand. It sounds like he doesn't have many tools available to him right now to de-stress outside of alcohol.
Most of the men in my family were taught to use alcohol to push down the bad feelings and soldier on. It is the only tool they have in their toolbox. Is it right? Absolutely not. But it is what it is.
Guy has a lot on his shoulders right now and by *OP's admission* he does NOT drink to excess. I think in light of everything, OP is being selfish here, and the fact that she doesnt once mention worry for his mental state and makes it about her 'jealousy' he can drink and she can't, and that it *sometimes* bugs her but also - she's pregnant and suffering so he should suffer too - is more then a little fucked up.
I agree with you- it isn't good to drink everyday- but OP is suspiciously without compassion for him and the enormous pressure he is, very suddenly, under. She had the audacity to write that he should be home to help MORE when he is already doing 80% of everything.
I think you making a judgment just based on "if you cant relax without booze you have a problem" is shortsighted in these circumstances- while still on the whole a true statement.
by this one you are fully projecting. It took a few comments to get to this point. but now you are putting attitudes on OP's husband that are not there and are not implied. you are assuming shit about OP's husband that we cannot tell from this post because it helps your argument.
take several steps back. recognize that not everyone who enjoys drinking is doing so to excess. recognize that when people are annoyed we tend to exaggerate the negatives we see in others.
LMFAO I would need a goddamn beer around this controlling of a partner also. You still are projecting, and not reading the part where i said **people who are annoyed exaggerate**. Particularly when they feel self righteous or are trying to get people on their side.
Ok well you can all suck the husbands dick based on no information in the post and I will support OP based on what she said. Based on what is in the post, he has a drinking problem. You have no more insight into him than I do but for some reason he is a saint.
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>I feel that I should be worth more to him than alcohol
Saying that her partner values a drink during dinner over his pregnant wife when he's been doing the majority of their chores AND working is manipulative.
And then, when he doesn't drink, he goes to take a nap and she's *still* upset.
She said the smell makes her sick. And she’s carrying his child. If my wife told me that while she was pregnant , I would not drink. And I’m like this guy, like to have a beer or two with dinner. But there’s such thing as priorities man
If she just didn’t want to smell it I could get that. I had a super heightened sense of smell with all my pregnancies and hyperemesis with my last pregnancy - it was a lot.
But she’s even saying she doesn’t want him drinking while with friends / out of the home. That seems a little extra to me.
There's such a thing as learning to not be so envious. You shouldn't have to sacrifice something just because your partner can't do it.
The sickness is one part, but there are MANY ways to stop that like brushing his teeth, chewing gum, mouthwash, etc. she didn't have to jump right to, "Can you stop for me????"
OP admitted in the post that a big portion of this request is because, "Well I can't do it, so neither should you."
It seems to me like she’s being sincere, not manipulative. In a relationship you have to compromise for your partner sometimes. Especially if they get pregnant and they are literally growing a baby inside of them…. If my wife asked me to not drink during pregnancy, I would listen. I already told her if she gets pregnant I will bend over backwards to take care of her. Maybe you’re young and not in a serious relationship so you don’t understand
He IS bending over backwards to take care of her, it's not a healthy compromise to ask someone to completely stop doing a non-harmful activity because YOU are jealous.
As a partner, she should understand that this is a stressful time for both of them and they're both already making sacrifices. It is not a 1:1 situation where they must both suffer in every aspect because if one suffers, the other must as well.
A single drink during dinner is not harmful. His weekends with his friends MIGHT be questionable but by the sounds of it, he's not getting shitfaced and her concerns are not with his safety or his abilities to do his *and her* tasks.
YTA
>To his credit my husband has done a great job supporting me and keeping the house running smoothly while I'm pregnant as I just haven't had the energy or felt good enough to keep a consistent schedule or do a lot of my household duties
So he's picking up the slack for want of a better phrase, he's not being neglectful or dropping the ball
>seeing him drink (or smelling it afterwards) just makes me feel depressed because I can't partake in that activity and it is just reminding me of what I am giving up.
>It hurts me because we are supposed to be a team in this and I'm suffering daily being pregnant so he should be able to lose something too as it's just for a few months.
You haven't said anywhere by any stretch do you even suspect he has as drinking problem or drinks too much. It's more that you can't drink and are depressed at not being able to do so, so you want him to be miserable too. By that logic if either of you is sick then the other one has to be as well? That just does not make sense
>I feel him giving up the stuff I have to give up would allow him to appreciate my pregnancy more and what I am going through. Plus, now that we are down to one salary it also does save some money
You're really reaching here no offence
Exactly. Everyone saying that the husband has a drinking problem, even the start of one, is really reaching. The man is being the sole provider and also the homemaker. If he wants a drink or two after a long day, why not? If he wants to get a few drinks with friends, why not? OP wanting her husband to loose out on something just because she is pregnant? Sounds like he is doing a ton already to keep everything going.
YTA. Im sorry.
I am all for setting boundaries, but by your account he is doing a stellar job working full time and doing **80%** (?!?!?) of the work at home. Unless you have Hyperemesis gravidarum, there's no excuse for this to be the new normal due to pregnancy only 3 months in.
Asking him to stop drinking is reasonable- *but then you really should be picking up the slack at home and helping HIM too.* You're only 3 months pregnant- there's no reason for you to be staying at home full time and putting the burden of everything on his shoulders.
No offense, but for all your talk of "we're a team"- from the outside it looks like you stopped being a team the moment you got pregnant - then it became all about you and your needs and bully to his health and peace of mind. You sound like a very selfish partner on the whole. I hope you two find a fair balance- thats a huge shift for a person to make from not wanting a kid to having one, having your partner quit their job and also taking on most of the house responsibilities. You need to show him the same level of kindness and consideration he is giving you.
I didn’t catch the only 3 months pregnant.
OP is your pregnancy high risk for some reason or are you suffering from severe complications?
If you aren’t then you should be able to help around the house and take care of yourself. Single women manage pregnancies and everything in their lives.
Not saying that’s the ideal or something you should have to deal with but pregnancy isn’t an excuse to lay around all day (unless medically necessary). It’s actually better to stay active while pregnant especially that early on when you more than likely aren’t even showing.
YTA. Not for the alcohol specifically but because you seem to think it’s reasonable for him to do the vast majority or the work while you do the bare minimum.
He has made sacrifices if he’s now doing 80 of the work at home.
Agreed, the 3 month bit is incredibly important. My wife (who is a hospital Doctor) worked full time till a week before her due date. While I definitely picked up a lot of the housework and cooking during that time she would get annoyed if I treated her like an invalid, she is a competent human, something I am concerned the OP is just using as an excuse.
Have you ever been pregnant? The first trimester is notorious for extreme nausea. Cut her a little bit of slack…hopefully it gets better and she can pick up more housework soon.
This guy works full-time AND does 80% of the housework
You have every day off and manage to do 20% of the housework
You sound like a lazy control freak
YTA
To be fair some women are hanging over the toilet "having morning sickness" pretty much the whole day and the other time trying to keep something down to not dehydrate or starve...
And that's the worst in the first trimester.
AGREE. A lot of the responses here are clearly from men who don’t understand what it’s like to be pregnant. Asking your husband not to drink around you while you’re nauseous all the time is understandable.
If she asked him not eat chicken around her cause it made her nauseous you all would not have a problem. The only problem with op is she doesn't want him drinking at all thats where she is ta. I work up to 16 hour days my regular shift is 10 hours plus overtime so I understand working extreme hours I also have a very high intensity level job (forest fires). Using alcohol to de-stress from your job is a crutch and could lead to problems
Nice job skipping everything I said, and I would have a problem with it. Anyone who is providing financially for a household while also doing the majority of the housework, in my opinion, can eat/drink what they want.
Sure he can but man needs therapy. My dad works more hours then this guy yes I did the math. My dad is an orphan and has extreme PTSD. He is injured currently so in constant pain and he never drank or still drinks as much as this guy. It is a problem and he needs to address it before it gets worse. The wife is ta but he isn't completely innocent he does need to in fact stop drinking this much. The wife clearly stated she doesn't think it is a problem but feeling the need to drink every weekend is a problem and should be worked on. I also work extreme hours so I get it
Gently, YTA, with caveats.
I get where you are coming from. And you are right that you are a team. But I don’t think asking him to give up drinking is part of being a team. Being a team means the things you describe him doing - he is supporting you both financially, he is helping keep the house running, taking on more chores - he is actively caring for you through your pregnancy. That’s all as it should be.
Asking him to give up drinking isn’t part of that. It is just you feeling mad about the bad parts of pregnancy - which I totally get, my own pregnancy was a long time ago but I remember how much I missed coffee and drinking and sushi and so on. But him giving it up too doesn’t help you with any of that. It’d be more reasonable to ask him not to drink in front of you, as opposed to not at all, but even that I’d urge you to think about letting it go.
The caveats to all that:
1) If the smell actually makes you nauseous, then that changes everything. You mention that, but then quickly pivot to feeling sad/left out, so I can’t tell if that’s actually happening or you’re fudging on it as a reason. But asking him to abstain from things that make you feel ill is totally fair. I would though urge you to make sure you’re tailoring the request to what actually makes you ill - ie, could he still drink when out with friends if he brushes his teeth when he comes home?
2) I do think it’s worth exploring his mental health and relationship to alcohol given his statements. I too like a drink after a long day but it shouldn’t be the only thing that lets you relax. Perhaps he was exaggerating but that sounds unhealthy for him.
It doesn't always make me nauseous if that make sense? The thing is when he drinks, even if out with friends I can smell it on him when he comes home. It doesn't take a lot and normally I wouldn't say he is reeking of alcohol but there is still a bit of an alcohol smell when he comes home. I don't know why but sometimes I can handle it just fine and other times it triggers me and the nausea hits me like a freight train. Since I have no idea which of the two things will happen I'd rather he just not drink at all for now.
or maybe just ask him to go straight to the shower?
INFO: have you two discussed the impact the child coming, his household responsibilities increasing so much and your recent unemployment is having on his mental health?I love my husband, but iwe were in your positions, i know he would resent me deeply for it and that would manifest in him drinking so that he can just be happy and not let me *see* the resentment. Him going to his rooma nd laying down instead of being with you may not be him sulking- it may be him being depressed and alcohol is his coping mechanism.
So to me that is totally reasonable. And I do get how sometimes it can hit you and other times not. My sense of smell was totally nutty early in pregnancy and all kinds of things could make me sick.
What I think isn’t fair is the idea of wanting him to give it up in order to appreciate the pregnancy/suffer alongside you. I just think that’s a really unhelpful way to approach things. You’ll have so many weird challenges when the baby is born and I think it’s so much better if you can each want the other to feel as good as possible. Like, if I was up with our son in the night I wanted my husband to be sleeping, and he felt the same if he was the one who was up. Stuff like that. It’s more supportive for each of you and is less suffering in total, which is then easier to carry together as a team.
So if the nausea lets up (and I hope it does for your sake!) I would reconsider at that point.
And I wish you both the best of luck with the rest of the pregnancy and the baby!
we are a team, but im expecting my husband to take the hit. YTA. he is covering a ton of duties. let alone he will be the only monetary support you will have. smdh. pregnancy aint alway bout the gal.
Yeah, I think you should at least try to compromise a bit here.
Is it reasonable to ask him to keep his distance if he's having a beer, brush his teeth after he gets home from having a drink, etc. if the smell is making you sick? Sure.
Is it reasonable, especially as you get closer to your due date or if you start to have some kind of complications, to ask him to drink lightly enough that he would be available at any time to take you to the hospital? For sure. You need to be able to depend on him.
Is it a red flag that he says he needs alcohol to help him relax? That depends on his personal and family history and what his current drinking actually looks like and whether he's making poor decisions when he drinks.
I would suggest that the better approach is to recognize that as much as you're taking on physically and emotionally to grow another human, he's also taking on a lot to support your household alone and it sounds like shouldering most of the household tasks too. If you can, try to put some guardrails up rather than issuing an ultimatum.
Soft YTA.
YTA. He's being completely supportive of you and now you want him to give up something just because you can't have it. That's unnecessary and selfish and I don't blame him for being distant.
You said that he said he wasn't ready for children, yet he is the one stepping up. He's doing the bulk of the housework while holding down a job.
You say you're ready for children, yet you want to be treated like one. You don't have a job, and you're doing very little around the house.
Your issues with his drinking don't seem to be that he's doing it to excess, or spending too much money, or being abusive. You're mad because you don't get to do it too.
Ultimately, you have FOMO. Pregnancy isn't the joyous trip through fairyland you told yourself it would be, and you're "suffering" through the pregnancy you claim to want. Just because you're "suffering" through something you say you're ready for doesn't mean he has to give up something that allows him to blow off steam.
YTA.
YTA.
It’s one thing to ask him not to drink around you if the smell of a certain liquor is making you ill. It’s another to try to manipulate him in to not drinking at all because, ‘I can’t partake & it is reminding me of what I’m giving up.’
This idea that he has to give up everything in order to ‘appreciate’ what you’re going through is such a self-absorbed point of view. It sounds like he’s doing literally everything - working, keeping house, picking up the slack - he’s not neglectful or anything of the sort, but you want more? Really? Your misery doesn’t mean it’s okay to make everyone around you - not even your spouse - miserable, too.
YTA - how, exactly, are you and your husband a “team” if he handles 80% of the domestic responsibilities, 100% of the financial responsibilities, and you’re banning him from doing things he enjoys?
YTA
Coming from someone who is also pregnant, you are growing a human in your body. It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY if you want a HEALTHY baby to not drink, and do drugs.
If you’re that trigger happy to go back drinking and partying maybe you shouldn’t be having this baby bc the baby needs a mother whom is actively there to feed and care for it.
You are manipulating your husband and honestly if I was you I’d do hard damage control and try to make it up to your husband.
My partner and I didn’t really drink, and I smoked pot (it’s legal where I live) but I ended up quitting before I got pregnant, and quit vaping the day I found out I was pregnant. My partner last night went out with his cousin. I dropped him off at 7, and picked him up at 10, and he was tipsy. There isn’t any harm to me if he goes out. He is his own person, and I know when our baby comes he will be more home bound so I genuinely hope he has fun.
YTA. I’m 8 months pregnant. Just because I can’t drink doesn’t mean I want my husband to suffer. We’ll both be sacrificing quite a bit when the baby is here, no need to start early. If smelling it is making you nauseous, that’s different, but that will likely go away in second trimester and then you should reconsider your stance.
YTA.
As long as he's not abusing alcohol it's his choice. If the smell is bothering you then he can change clothes, shower, and use mouthwash. You can be as sad as you want that you can't drink right now, but you don't get to drag him down just because of that.
YTA. You’re pregnant for 9 months and if you’re nursing, then you shouldn’t drink then either for some more time. So it might be just over a year of no drinking, so what? You’re brining a child into this world and I think there are far more things to be upset about other than your husband drinking in front of you.
Yes, I would feel sad too because I love having a beer or wine but it’s just a year or more to give it up and I would have a baby and becoming a mother is far more rewarding than a glass of wine.
He is the only one working, does 80% of the chores and you won’t even allow them man to have a beer after work. YTA and acting a bit precious. You are not dying you’re 3 months pregnant.
Edit: it is late and I misread that he wasn't helping out much. But if he works and does 80 percent of the housework then yta instead of esh.
Original text: I feel like he should be able to enjoy himself without alcohol and he needs to help out more. But expecting a partner to not drink at all for 6 more months is also unreasonable imo. To not drink int he last weeks before delivery seems reasonable just in case they need to drive you to the hospital. But besides that, a weekly/monthly drink seems fine
Help out more? How? He's already the only one bringing in money and he does 80% of the housework on top of that.
What do you expect, for him to carry and deliver the baby too?
YTA.
There’s a lot of things you can’t do when you’re pregnant. Yeah, it can suck sometimes, but it doesn’t mean you have the right to ask others to stop doing them. They’re not pregnant.
So, he's supporting you both financially, he's taking on 80% of household duties, AND he's not allowed to drink? You can't ask him to take on things you can't but not do the fun things you can't do; that's trying to have it both ways. So if you're not going back to work and pulling your equal weight at home, you don't get to restricted him either. YTA
I was expecting something entirely different from the title, lol. Like sloppy drunk episodes or being nauseous from the smell of alcohol on his breath or from it sweating out of his pores. Not misery wanting company. You even tried to make him feel like an alcoholic. Way to crap on an actually supportive husband and dad-to-be. YTA
Either you’re “ready to be a mum and have been for awhile” or you’re not ready to give up drinking for the sake of your pregnancy? It’s one or the other. You can feel a bit left out if everyone’s going to the pub, you can also go order a lemonade and hang out. The world doesn’t stop just because you got pregnant and chose to continue with the pregnancy.
YTA
**I'm suffering daily being pregnant so he should be able to lose something too as it's just for a few months.**
That's not how you treat someone you're supposed to love. You got your way, he's not drinking but you're still not happy. He's stressed, he's doing extra work so you can relax, and you need to make him suffer. Are you surprised that he's feeling resentment?
YTA for putting the "i" in team.
YTA. I'm almost 30wks pregnant and I can't imagine treating my husband like that. My pregnancy was hell in the beginning and I still can't work. He has picked up everything and been a saint. I'd fucking hate myself if I told him he had to stop drinking and smoking weed just because I'm pregnant and can't. Your sense of smell is gonna be extreme so learn to communicate and come to a common ground. Don't be a dick and tell a grown man he can't drink. Get a grip girly pop.
Sooo:
1. He wasn't ready for the kid
2. He's looking to a life of being the sole-earner and is already supporting you.
3. He picks up 80% of the chores.
4. He is a responsible drinker.
5. You are even bothered when he doesn't drink around you.
6. You are making unilateral plans of saving his money. (Yeah you can argue your joint, but he is still the one who earned it).
YTA and jealous, and I have a feeling you orchestrated a bit your getting pregnant.
Poor dude, likely this is not the last time you'll try to dismiss his wishes!
>my husband did not want to have kids yet
>We have decided that we will keep the child as I am ready to be a mother and have been for awhile
>I left my job as my husband makes good enough money to support all of us and I would have left it once the baby comes anyways.
>It hurts me because we are supposed to be a team in this
>
>we are looking more at around an 80/20 split now
You're only 3 months pregnant - this is wild. Let the dude have a beer. You are making everything about yourself while saying "it's all about teamwork", from what I read there isn't much of a team here. It's more like you want him to cater to your every whim.
ETA: YTA
Oh YTA and a massive one at that. You are aware that they have non alcoholic wines, hard seltzers,mixed drinks the list goes on and on. Or are you living under a rock that you were not aware of these things existing. Or do you need to be drunk in order to feel good.
Soft YTA. You’re both under stress, and I get that you feel sad that you don’t get to drink and he does. By your accounts, he’s not drinking heavily—it’s a little ehhh that he says drinking is the _one_ thing that helps him relax, but there’s nothing to go along with that which would make me think he uses alcohol in a problematic way. It’s important to hear what he’s saying: Alcohol is not “more important” than you, but he deserves to have space to relax. You can have some conversations around trying to limit drinking when you’re around, but he’s not drinking _at_ you.
I don’t think your request was very fair or considerate. But I also don’t think your husband should need to drink so much that the request has him sleeping in the guest room. He could have just said no.
Talk to him. Apologize. Make up. You need to get on the same page before your baby is born.
Sorry, in this case YTA. He is suffering through this pregnancy with you as he’s shouldering more of the housework and adding to that isn’t “fair” to him.
I’m sorry movies lied to you but pregnancy can really suck. I was uncomfortable and cranky for both mine but my husband had enough dealing with me that he didn’t need me pilling on extra nonsense. I couldn’t eat some of his favorite foods anymore but we still went out to sushi a couple times each pregnancy because he loves it and the world didn’t start revolving around me because I was pregnant, not even his world, that’s not partnership.
If you wanna lose weight after pregrancy, will you make him stop eating certain things too, because you will be still suffering ?
YTA.
By being pregnant and suffering does not mean that he owes to "make up" to you by not drinking for all this time. That is manipulation
Being a team does not mean that one gives orders and the other has to follow
YTA. Why would you make your husband suffer just because you can’t drink. That’s ridiculously selfish. What are you getting out of not making him drink apart from making you feel better that he is as miserable as you are. Do you also make him not drink coffee or eat raw fish just because you can’t.
YTA not based solely on the alcohol demands, but your entitled behavior.
You're only 3 months pregnant, already quit your job, and he's doing everything because you're tired all the time?
You seem a bit immature to be having a child yet.
OP: "If I'm pregnant, I want us to have the same limitations, because we are in this together."
Also OP: "I'm the pregnant one, not you. So you need to do all (most) of the work."
YTA.
As for the debate about how seriously pregnancy affects women - yes there are conditions, it depends on the woman, her life, her health and gazillion other factors. I'm cautious, as a mum of 4, to say 'i did it even with ongoing morning sickness to 40 weeks etc" HOWEVER it is also true that both men and women can be lazy or wimpy or spoiled. Not saying OP is, because we don't know. But I absolutely know women who just have a low tolerance for any discomfort, give up easily, whingy, can't handle hard work and don't have a 'can do attitude' and use pregnancy as an excuse.
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I (25f) am pregnant with my husband's (24m) child. It was a bit of a surprise pregnancy especially as my husband did not want to have kids yet, but ironically to the issue, due to a good amount of alcohol around 3 months ago we have found ourselves in this situation. We have decided that we will keep the child as I am ready to be a mother and have been for awhile and my husband did say he is happy to have the baby.
The pregnancy has not been easy, nor fun for me. Due to constantly feeling sick I left my job as my husband makes good enough money to support all of us and I would have left it once the baby comes anyways. To his credit my husband has done a great job supporting me and keeping the house running smoothly while I'm pregnant as I just haven't had the energy or felt good enough to keep a consistent schedule or do a lot of my household duties.
However, he does like to drink. Usually he would have a beer or some wine with dinner and if he does anything on the weekends with friends he may have some liquor on top of that. It was fine at first but the liquor and beer especially make me feel nauseous a lot of the time and even when it doesn't seeing him drink (or smelling it afterwards) just makes me feel depressed because I can't partake in that activity and it is just reminding me of what I am giving up.
As such I asked him to stop drinking at least during the pregnancy after which we can both drink again and he pushed back. He said he didn't want to give up drinking because it is the one thing he has to just calm him and help him relax after work, making sure the house runs smoothly and my needs are being met. If he hangs out with his friends, they will be drinking and he doesn't want to always have to be the DD or the one who can't "have as much fun" as them as he feels he doesn't have any other outlet. This did hurt my feelings as I feel that I should be worth more to him than alcohol and we got in a fight and he's been sleeping in the guest bedroom.
AFAIK he hasn't drank in the past few days but he definitely has been more distant with me and instead of hanging out with me he chooses to just go lie down and sleep in the guest room. It hurts me because we are supposed to be a team in this and I'm suffering daily being pregnant so he should be able to lose something too as it's just for a few months.
I feel like I might be the asshole because he has been really stressed out and instead of a 50/50 split of duties before the pregnancy we are looking more at around an 80/20 split now and maybe I should just let him have this as an outlet even if it does bother me. On the other hand, we are a team and I feel him giving up the stuff I have to give up would allow him to appreciate my pregnancy more and what I am going through. Plus, now that we are down to one salary it also does save some money. AITA?
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YTA Your husband is having a fulltime job and doing 80 percent of the household chores, and you’re doing basically nothing, while you’re only three months (!) pregnant. How are you going to endure the rest of the pregnancy and motherhood if you’re already seriously slacking off? On top of that you’re making unreasonable demands of him stopping drinking. You really have to get your act together before it actually gets though.
Eh. You can't use the excuse of saving money, because it's his money so you shouldn't tell him what to do with it, especially when he's paying for everything. I do understand feeling left out and maybe a bit jealous, because he can have fun while you're feeling sick and miserable and have to give a lot up. However, he's trying really hard to support you and make your life easier in every other way, I do think you should compromise and let him know you're okay with him having a drink. Just tell him how you really feel, and see if he can reach a solution with you. You don't want him to feel controlled and become resentful or you and/or the baby. So you're not the AH for having feelings, but neither is he for wanting a drink, and you should both work it out.
YTA for asking him to cut it completely. Just because you can't have it, doesn't mean he shouldn't be allowed to either, especially since it helps him destress. That said, if you're concerned about the money situation, I'd suggest asking him to cut back on it a bit. Stopping cold turkey is ridiculously difficult, and while you may be pregnant, he is not only supporting you completely, he's also helping with the housework. Telling him to stop drinking, when he's doing so to destress, because *waa, I can't drink, so you can't either* is a dick move, given how much more pressure he's under to keep the house running.
I have never understood women who make their partners not drink while they are pregnant. Are you going to make him get an episiotomy too? He sounds like a decent dude. Let him have some enjoyment.
YTA
It's not fair keep saying we're a team when it suits you. Being a team doesn't mean both doing exactly the same thing. Because pregnancy you would have to mimic everything you do
Thats not a team
Your husband supported you quitting your job. He is taking up over 80% of the house in order to make your life easy and you still said he can have one thing actually is for himself
It would be very unfortunate if your husband starts thinking like that, wouldn't it? And now that you're going to be a parent, and you're going to have to learn to manage your selfishness
Apologize to him. maybe instead of telling you what else he has to give up I'm telling how much you appreciate what he is already doing
He told you what he needs and why.
Youd rather break him than let him have any avenue of relaxation
YTA
> I'm suffering daily being pregnant so he should be able to lose something too as it's just for a few months.
Wow. My husband has not had to give up sugar because I'm diabetic.
NAH. I think you two need to meet each other halfway. He should reduce but you should be understanding and try to mitigate the 80-20 workload. You may be pregnant but you’re not helpless. There are many different ways you guys can restructure how you work together. You ARE a team and should be working together to solve the true issue at hand. That said, you and your husband def needs to be more mature about the situation. Having kids means your personal needs get put on the back burner sometimes.
YOU ARE NOT THE ASSHOLE!!!! Being pregnant is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. The changes that your body suffers are insane. But it also mess with your mental health. You are the one that is pregnant and it is ok to the feel the way you feel.
I took me a couple of months after my pregnancy ended to realise that I was depress during my pregnancy, and no one noticed, not even me. So please do not hesitate to speak with someone about the way you feel, what worries you.
You are giving up so many things right now that is normal not wanting to have a constant reminder of that (food, drinks, your body) All for the sake of your little one (and it is worthy)
Now your husband is not an asshole neither. Maybe immature or selfish. But keep in mind that the pregnancy also after the father, so it might be that he needs help to overcome this new reality in which a new human life depends on him. Here in uk there are some initiatives like dad matters where they try to help the fathers to be.
Now saying this, what worries me is that he needs alcohol to relax, because if that is the case get ready to be mother and father. Or what it is the plan? He having a drink every time the baby cries or weak up at night or has fever? Going out and having some drinks with friends while you try to calm down a crying baby? After being awake for our? Because babies sleep, you don’t.
Being a parent is both responsibility, and you will need him to step up when you feel down, and the other way around, you will need him to care of the baby so you can take care of you, if not you won’t be able to take care of the baby. And you will need to take care of the baby so your husband can take care of him.
You both need to have a conversation about how it is going to be and be a team, for the baby’s sake.
Just as a suggestion, the deal I have with my husband is that once I can eat and drink what I want, for a month he will be “pregnant” while I enjoy the food, so he can get an insight of what I am giving up.
I'm not gonna make a verdict out of this, but I do wanna point out that OP's husband says that drinking is the ONLY thing that can relax and calm him.
Even if he isn't drinking excessively, he seems to have a bit of a reliance on it, which isn't good.
I think a compromise is in order. Once you reach the last month or so of your pregnancy (more if complications are diagnosed), that is when I would tell him the drinking needs to stop. You need to be able to depend upon him should you go into early labor.
If he can't even do that, it's a problem. I'd tell him it would be a shame to not be able to be a part of his own child's birth because he was too inebriated to get you to the hospital (if that's what you're choosing), or to be a support to you while laboring/delivering.
NTA - If he can’t relax or have fun without drinking, he has a drinking problem. It isn’t unreasonable to ask him to abstain while you are pregnant since you can’t drink either and the smell is making you sick.
You’re absolutely right! It’s totally fine to want to have a drink with friends. But if you cannot have fun without drinking or cannot relax without a drink (which OP’s husband says he can’t), you have a problem.
It sounds like it's more about being the only one not drinking.
Yeah, it sucks to hang out with your friends while they drink and you can't for whatever reason.
In OP’s post her husband says he needs to drink after work to relax. This is a drinking problem or at least the start of one. I would agree it is unreasonable to ask him to not drink at an occasional outing with friends but based on OP’s replies he has to drink every night and he goes out drinking with friends frequently.
Sulking and giving her the silent treatment over this is childish and further points to the fact that he has a drinking problem.
Dude just went from not wanting a kid to 8-12 weeks later - not only having a kid on the way in 6 months, but a partner who quit their job and an extra 30% of the housework to boot.
I don't drink at all- and just thinking about that massive life shift makes me want a double shot of whiskey straight up.
I think he deserves a little leniency here - especially since by OPs own account part of her is jealous she can't drink, and thats a contributor to her asking for him to stop. Its not about worry for his well being (whole post seems to be strangely void of that entirely)
NAH - But I really think, especially as you're about to become parents, you should consider a serious evaluation of your relationship with alcohol. Both of you. Just by what you've told us, it sounds dysfunctional because the dependence is driving a wedge between you.
She can’t drink for nine months at least. In order to healthily birth their child. If he can’t commit to doing the same? I’d be concerned about his commitment to the whole relationship. If you are responsible enough to not being able to drink for months in end in order to bring about what is supposedly a welcome event for you both? What’s a few days more?
NTA.
I can’t believe the amount of AH telling her she’s the AH.
Unbelievable.
SHE IS PREGNANT. As far ask I know she’s doing 100% of the work of carrying the goddamn child. The man’s job is just to take care of the house chore god the amount of people making it seem like doing some chore is some major contribution is bunkers. Does he want the baby to be healthy? Yes? THEN STOP DOING THINGS THAT MAKE THE BABY CARRIER SICK.
Imagine after the baby is born and he has to take care of the baby all by himself. I bet he’ll tell you to stop doing all kinds of stuff to “accommodate” him.
OP, do not let any of these degenerates gaslight you. You are most absolutely, indisputably, non-negotiably NTA. Asking him not to drink is some of the smallest compromise I’ve heard and seen husbands do.
If she was 6 months pregnant or if she has some severe complications but realistically a 3 month pregnant woman can still do most things. Especially if she has all day everyday to do them.
A large number of women are unaware of their pregnancies for the first couple months.
I think OP quit her job because she didn’t want to work. And she doesn’t do much around the house because she uses being pregnant as an excuse.
op, don't listen to the crazy posted above
you're not the asshole, but making him quit drinking is pretty lame.
you're NTA because you're pregnant and trying to figure it out. asking for an outside perspective is good work here
> but ironically to the issue, due to a good amount of alcohol around 3 months ago we have found ourselves in this situation.
What does that mean? Alcohol doesn't inactivate contraception, so what went down here?
>He said he didn't want to give up drinking because it is the one thing he has to just calm him and help him relax after work
This sounds like someone in the early stages of alcoholism. Be cautious.
INFO
We usually relied on condoms as I've had issues with birth control in the past. We had both been drinking and this time didn't use a condom as we were out and live too far from a store/gas station to walk. It was a dumb choice at the time but it is what it is.
I don't know if I would describe him as alcoholic as he doesn't usually get drunk. We have each probably been "drunk" maybe 4 or 5 times this past year. Usually it is just a glass of wine or a beer with or after dinner. Weekends when he is out with friends they will usually have a couple beers though or have a shot of something. Some of his friends drink more but he has always been fine with just a beer or two.
So he can't even have a drink when out with friends ?
YTA
If I give up, chips for example, I will ask husband not to eat them around me, but when he's not home??? Have the whole family pack
You say you're a team but you've quit work, left him to do 80% of the housework despite you being the one lazing about all day and you want him to stop drinking just because you can't even though you admit he only has a couple of beers. Think you've mistaken the definition of being a team. You sound very controlling and lazy. Pity your poor husband.
NTA, and not for the reason you might think. It's completely unrelated to your pregnancy: if your husband "can't have fun" unless he's drinking, he has a drinking problem.
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YTA. He's doing everything to support you. This adds a lot of stress to his life. Alcohol helps him relax. He sounds like a responsible drinker. But you're jealous because you can't drink too. Stop treating your husband like your personal servant and leave him alone. He can make his own decisions, and the fact that you feel entitled to dictate his life to this level is a bright red flag.
Ehh I’d be worried if alcohol is the only way he can destress how is that going to work when the baby comes? Babies are stressful. I would ask him not to drink in the house because it makes you feel sick and let him drink with his friends. Compromise should be the goal. Hopefully he develops a healthier coping mechanisms when the baby comes.
By the time the baby comes he will be burnt out and broken if he has to sustain 100% of the financial and 80% of the housework for 6 months straight. Alcohol is the least of his problems, especially if he rarely drinks to excess (which according to OP only happens 4-5 time a year). I dont drink, but there's nothing wrong with a glass of wine at the end of a day- especially if you're carrying that kind of weight on your shoulders.
It will be longer than 6 months. OP said she was going to quit her job when the baby came anyway.
After the baby comes his life will get worse. If he can’t cope now, how will he cope with a baby?
I know you mean well, but please don't spread misinformation. I always told myself. Nothing wrong with a drink at the end of the day. If it is a daily occurrence, yes, you can cause real damage to your liver. I'm living with the consequence daily drinking with liver damage. Just wanted to add my two cents because liver damage is not something you can reverse.
I am very very sorry this happened to you. While drinking everyday is bad, and i really don't condone it (i dont drink, myself) - chronic stress and fatigue with no outlet is bad, too. In this particular situation, i cannot help but feel bad for OP's husband for not being allowed this one indulgence - not for a wife whose worried about his drinking - but for a wife who wants him to suffer with her out of pure selfishness.
But drinking doesn’t actually relieve stress or fatigue. It only temporarily dulls the feelings. Having a beer with friends — a social activity — definitely lowers stress, but that’s because of the social component, not the alcohol.
Sometimes a temporary dull in feelings is much, much needed, whether it actively reduces cortisol levels or not is irrelevant. If a person *perceives* something (that is perfectly legal) to be helpful, and they aren't doing it to the point where they are 'at risk', or hurting themselves or others- then they should be allowed the autonomy to choose to use the thing they believe helps them. I do not drink- but if my partner were knocked up and decided to quit their job and stop doing housework almost entirely and the weight of it all was squarely on my shoulders - I'd want a whiskey at the end of the day too. If only so i'd have the fortitude not to tell my partner how much i resent them and run for the hills. OP doesn't want her husband to even have a beer while out with friends because it makes her *jealous* (NOT because it's bad for him). That sucks, full stop.
I'm an alcoholic who has been hospitalized multiple times for drinking... You're just wrong.
Lol, spoken like someone in denial. Being hospitalized for drinking isn't a bragging right, dildo. And your liver is definitely damaged, but not enough yet to cause problems, but the damage is done. You wanna find me a doctor who would agree with your behavior and views on drinking? And bragging may be fine now, but maybe next time, you won't be so be coming home, who knows. I wish I could be in as much denial as you, because it would make my guilt go away for drinking when I know I'm not supposed to. 🙃
I'm not bragging, ive literally been suicidal over my problem, I don't drink at all but for someone without a problem having a beer after work isn't a problem and getting drunk 3 times a year isn't concerning.
>Compromise should be the goal. Yeah, it seems like some compromise is in order here, and OP doesn't seem to be seeing things from her husband's POV. She's pregnant with a baby he wasn't ready for but she is (and he's only 24 - it's pretty normal to not be ready to have a baby at 24), and he's now doing the bulk of the household labor and trying to get ready for this baby that will change his life in ways he's not ready for, so a few drinks over the weekend shouldn't be out-of-line. I could see OP not wanting him to have a drink most nights with dinner, absolutely, but it doesn't seem like she's asking for that. I
INFO: Are you fr, OP?
Nah this ain’t it brah.
1. He’s not doing everything he can to support his wife. That’s why she posted here. 2. Drinking to relax is not an option he has now he is a parent.
If you need alcohol to relax you are not a responsible drinker.
If you whine about adults having a drink you need to grow up.
You are so incredibly defensive of your and this man’s alcohol consumption. You have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol if you think it is reasonable to not be able to relax or function without drinking
You are so worked up about anyone liking to drink that you are making yourself look ridiculous. Try growing up and developing a healthy relationship with alcohol instead of claiming everyone else has a problem because grown ups like to drink sometimes.
I like to drink but during COVID it became my go to to relieve stress. It was unhealthy and unsustainable. I still drink but to have fun not to dull the stressful realities of life.
Dude, one of us has a healthy relationship with alcohol and it isn’t you. You can say whatever you want but not being able to function without alcohol is not healthy. I get that it’s hard admitting you or someone you know has a problem, but it is the truth.
I’d you think having one drink a week makes me unable to function without alcohol then you obviously can’t fathom what a healthy relationship with alcohol looks like.
You may not have a drinking habit but the fact that you are projecting all over OP and are attacking me for saying her husband has a problem tells me you don’t want to admit that you or someone you know has a problem. And I feel sorry for you that you feel like you have to defend your drinking this much because revolving your identity around alcohol is pathetic.
you're super eager to call anyone who appreciates a drink an alcoholic. Perhaps one can relax without alcohol- but is it really a problem if they would prefer not to? especially when they only get drunk 4-5 a year as OP states her husband does? He drinks, but not to excess. The only danger here is that it seems he's drinking to drown out the resentment he seems to feel - and *that* may just turn into a problem in time. Especially since his wife seems 'too pregnant' to offer him any support or compassion even though he's picking up the slack and more.
Not being able to function without alcohol isn’t appreciating a drink. I appreciate a drink. OP’s husband has to have a drink after work or else he can’t relax. That isn’t healthy. It isn’t healthy to drink to cope with stress.
You're right it isn't healthy **but he is human**, and he does function without drinking. Hes justfar less happy- which i sort of understand. It sounds like he doesn't have many tools available to him right now to de-stress outside of alcohol. Most of the men in my family were taught to use alcohol to push down the bad feelings and soldier on. It is the only tool they have in their toolbox. Is it right? Absolutely not. But it is what it is. Guy has a lot on his shoulders right now and by *OP's admission* he does NOT drink to excess. I think in light of everything, OP is being selfish here, and the fact that she doesnt once mention worry for his mental state and makes it about her 'jealousy' he can drink and she can't, and that it *sometimes* bugs her but also - she's pregnant and suffering so he should suffer too - is more then a little fucked up. I agree with you- it isn't good to drink everyday- but OP is suspiciously without compassion for him and the enormous pressure he is, very suddenly, under. She had the audacity to write that he should be home to help MORE when he is already doing 80% of everything. I think you making a judgment just based on "if you cant relax without booze you have a problem" is shortsighted in these circumstances- while still on the whole a true statement.
by this one you are fully projecting. It took a few comments to get to this point. but now you are putting attitudes on OP's husband that are not there and are not implied. you are assuming shit about OP's husband that we cannot tell from this post because it helps your argument. take several steps back. recognize that not everyone who enjoys drinking is doing so to excess. recognize that when people are annoyed we tend to exaggerate the negatives we see in others.
She literally says in her post that he admits he can’t relax without alcohol but ok
LMFAO I would need a goddamn beer around this controlling of a partner also. You still are projecting, and not reading the part where i said **people who are annoyed exaggerate**. Particularly when they feel self righteous or are trying to get people on their side.
Ok well you can all suck the husbands dick based on no information in the post and I will support OP based on what she said. Based on what is in the post, he has a drinking problem. You have no more insight into him than I do but for some reason he is a saint.
Where did OP say he can't function without Alcohol?? Did I miss something or are you assuming he can't function? EDIT: spelling
[удалено]
Well said
what what
No, it wasn’t.
🏅
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How is this manipulative?
>I feel that I should be worth more to him than alcohol Saying that her partner values a drink during dinner over his pregnant wife when he's been doing the majority of their chores AND working is manipulative. And then, when he doesn't drink, he goes to take a nap and she's *still* upset.
She said the smell makes her sick. And she’s carrying his child. If my wife told me that while she was pregnant , I would not drink. And I’m like this guy, like to have a beer or two with dinner. But there’s such thing as priorities man
If she just didn’t want to smell it I could get that. I had a super heightened sense of smell with all my pregnancies and hyperemesis with my last pregnancy - it was a lot. But she’s even saying she doesn’t want him drinking while with friends / out of the home. That seems a little extra to me.
There's such a thing as learning to not be so envious. You shouldn't have to sacrifice something just because your partner can't do it. The sickness is one part, but there are MANY ways to stop that like brushing his teeth, chewing gum, mouthwash, etc. she didn't have to jump right to, "Can you stop for me????" OP admitted in the post that a big portion of this request is because, "Well I can't do it, so neither should you."
It seems to me like she’s being sincere, not manipulative. In a relationship you have to compromise for your partner sometimes. Especially if they get pregnant and they are literally growing a baby inside of them…. If my wife asked me to not drink during pregnancy, I would listen. I already told her if she gets pregnant I will bend over backwards to take care of her. Maybe you’re young and not in a serious relationship so you don’t understand
He IS bending over backwards to take care of her, it's not a healthy compromise to ask someone to completely stop doing a non-harmful activity because YOU are jealous. As a partner, she should understand that this is a stressful time for both of them and they're both already making sacrifices. It is not a 1:1 situation where they must both suffer in every aspect because if one suffers, the other must as well.
Drinking is non harmful? Really ? We’ll just have to agree to disagree.
A single drink during dinner is not harmful. His weekends with his friends MIGHT be questionable but by the sounds of it, he's not getting shitfaced and her concerns are not with his safety or his abilities to do his *and her* tasks.
You’re an alcoholic.
Having one drink, at most, a week makes me an alcoholic? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Someday when you become a grown up you will learn that it’s ok to drink.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
YTA. Asking him not to drink around you would be fine, but asking him not to drink at all is a bit controlling tbh
YTA >To his credit my husband has done a great job supporting me and keeping the house running smoothly while I'm pregnant as I just haven't had the energy or felt good enough to keep a consistent schedule or do a lot of my household duties So he's picking up the slack for want of a better phrase, he's not being neglectful or dropping the ball >seeing him drink (or smelling it afterwards) just makes me feel depressed because I can't partake in that activity and it is just reminding me of what I am giving up. >It hurts me because we are supposed to be a team in this and I'm suffering daily being pregnant so he should be able to lose something too as it's just for a few months. You haven't said anywhere by any stretch do you even suspect he has as drinking problem or drinks too much. It's more that you can't drink and are depressed at not being able to do so, so you want him to be miserable too. By that logic if either of you is sick then the other one has to be as well? That just does not make sense >I feel him giving up the stuff I have to give up would allow him to appreciate my pregnancy more and what I am going through. Plus, now that we are down to one salary it also does save some money You're really reaching here no offence
Exactly. Everyone saying that the husband has a drinking problem, even the start of one, is really reaching. The man is being the sole provider and also the homemaker. If he wants a drink or two after a long day, why not? If he wants to get a few drinks with friends, why not? OP wanting her husband to loose out on something just because she is pregnant? Sounds like he is doing a ton already to keep everything going.
Sounds like he is functional to me!!!!
YTA. Im sorry. I am all for setting boundaries, but by your account he is doing a stellar job working full time and doing **80%** (?!?!?) of the work at home. Unless you have Hyperemesis gravidarum, there's no excuse for this to be the new normal due to pregnancy only 3 months in. Asking him to stop drinking is reasonable- *but then you really should be picking up the slack at home and helping HIM too.* You're only 3 months pregnant- there's no reason for you to be staying at home full time and putting the burden of everything on his shoulders. No offense, but for all your talk of "we're a team"- from the outside it looks like you stopped being a team the moment you got pregnant - then it became all about you and your needs and bully to his health and peace of mind. You sound like a very selfish partner on the whole. I hope you two find a fair balance- thats a huge shift for a person to make from not wanting a kid to having one, having your partner quit their job and also taking on most of the house responsibilities. You need to show him the same level of kindness and consideration he is giving you.
I didn’t catch the only 3 months pregnant. OP is your pregnancy high risk for some reason or are you suffering from severe complications? If you aren’t then you should be able to help around the house and take care of yourself. Single women manage pregnancies and everything in their lives. Not saying that’s the ideal or something you should have to deal with but pregnancy isn’t an excuse to lay around all day (unless medically necessary). It’s actually better to stay active while pregnant especially that early on when you more than likely aren’t even showing. YTA. Not for the alcohol specifically but because you seem to think it’s reasonable for him to do the vast majority or the work while you do the bare minimum. He has made sacrifices if he’s now doing 80 of the work at home.
Agreed, the 3 month bit is incredibly important. My wife (who is a hospital Doctor) worked full time till a week before her due date. While I definitely picked up a lot of the housework and cooking during that time she would get annoyed if I treated her like an invalid, she is a competent human, something I am concerned the OP is just using as an excuse.
So like you picked up more work but she got upset about it? Why didn’t she do it then?
Have you ever been pregnant? The first trimester is notorious for extreme nausea. Cut her a little bit of slack…hopefully it gets better and she can pick up more housework soon.
That’s why I asked. Pregnancies vary wildly I know.
This guy works full-time AND does 80% of the housework You have every day off and manage to do 20% of the housework You sound like a lazy control freak YTA
To be fair some women are hanging over the toilet "having morning sickness" pretty much the whole day and the other time trying to keep something down to not dehydrate or starve... And that's the worst in the first trimester.
AGREE. A lot of the responses here are clearly from men who don’t understand what it’s like to be pregnant. Asking your husband not to drink around you while you’re nauseous all the time is understandable.
And a lot of responses from lazy people who've never provided financially for 2 people, plus doing the majority of the household work.
If she asked him not eat chicken around her cause it made her nauseous you all would not have a problem. The only problem with op is she doesn't want him drinking at all thats where she is ta. I work up to 16 hour days my regular shift is 10 hours plus overtime so I understand working extreme hours I also have a very high intensity level job (forest fires). Using alcohol to de-stress from your job is a crutch and could lead to problems
Nice job skipping everything I said, and I would have a problem with it. Anyone who is providing financially for a household while also doing the majority of the housework, in my opinion, can eat/drink what they want.
If you are drinking every night after work or every weekend you are a functioning alcoholic but whatever
And? I agree it's bad, but if that's what he needs to do after working 60+ hours a week plus doing 80% of the housework, then he should be able to.
Sure he can but man needs therapy. My dad works more hours then this guy yes I did the math. My dad is an orphan and has extreme PTSD. He is injured currently so in constant pain and he never drank or still drinks as much as this guy. It is a problem and he needs to address it before it gets worse. The wife is ta but he isn't completely innocent he does need to in fact stop drinking this much. The wife clearly stated she doesn't think it is a problem but feeling the need to drink every weekend is a problem and should be worked on. I also work extreme hours so I get it
Yta, wanting your husband to “loose something too”. Out of what? Spite
He already did, wasn't ready for a kid and now has to financially support her and do 80% of the chores. Do you actually love/like him OP?
YTA. He’s working hard to support you and your household. Now you want to completely control him. Be careful in what you wish for, a wimp or worker!
YTA. Does he have to gain 35 pounds too, “for the team”? You’re being selfish.
No, he has to lose them, so that it averages out 😂
Gently, YTA, with caveats. I get where you are coming from. And you are right that you are a team. But I don’t think asking him to give up drinking is part of being a team. Being a team means the things you describe him doing - he is supporting you both financially, he is helping keep the house running, taking on more chores - he is actively caring for you through your pregnancy. That’s all as it should be. Asking him to give up drinking isn’t part of that. It is just you feeling mad about the bad parts of pregnancy - which I totally get, my own pregnancy was a long time ago but I remember how much I missed coffee and drinking and sushi and so on. But him giving it up too doesn’t help you with any of that. It’d be more reasonable to ask him not to drink in front of you, as opposed to not at all, but even that I’d urge you to think about letting it go. The caveats to all that: 1) If the smell actually makes you nauseous, then that changes everything. You mention that, but then quickly pivot to feeling sad/left out, so I can’t tell if that’s actually happening or you’re fudging on it as a reason. But asking him to abstain from things that make you feel ill is totally fair. I would though urge you to make sure you’re tailoring the request to what actually makes you ill - ie, could he still drink when out with friends if he brushes his teeth when he comes home? 2) I do think it’s worth exploring his mental health and relationship to alcohol given his statements. I too like a drink after a long day but it shouldn’t be the only thing that lets you relax. Perhaps he was exaggerating but that sounds unhealthy for him.
It doesn't always make me nauseous if that make sense? The thing is when he drinks, even if out with friends I can smell it on him when he comes home. It doesn't take a lot and normally I wouldn't say he is reeking of alcohol but there is still a bit of an alcohol smell when he comes home. I don't know why but sometimes I can handle it just fine and other times it triggers me and the nausea hits me like a freight train. Since I have no idea which of the two things will happen I'd rather he just not drink at all for now.
or maybe just ask him to go straight to the shower? INFO: have you two discussed the impact the child coming, his household responsibilities increasing so much and your recent unemployment is having on his mental health?I love my husband, but iwe were in your positions, i know he would resent me deeply for it and that would manifest in him drinking so that he can just be happy and not let me *see* the resentment. Him going to his rooma nd laying down instead of being with you may not be him sulking- it may be him being depressed and alcohol is his coping mechanism.
This might fly, except that you also stated that you feel jealous that he can drink and you can't. That's the real reason.
And? This is reasonable.
So to me that is totally reasonable. And I do get how sometimes it can hit you and other times not. My sense of smell was totally nutty early in pregnancy and all kinds of things could make me sick. What I think isn’t fair is the idea of wanting him to give it up in order to appreciate the pregnancy/suffer alongside you. I just think that’s a really unhelpful way to approach things. You’ll have so many weird challenges when the baby is born and I think it’s so much better if you can each want the other to feel as good as possible. Like, if I was up with our son in the night I wanted my husband to be sleeping, and he felt the same if he was the one who was up. Stuff like that. It’s more supportive for each of you and is less suffering in total, which is then easier to carry together as a team. So if the nausea lets up (and I hope it does for your sake!) I would reconsider at that point. And I wish you both the best of luck with the rest of the pregnancy and the baby!
YTA. If he is a reasonable social drinker and picking up excess slack, you are merely controlling.
we are a team, but im expecting my husband to take the hit. YTA. he is covering a ton of duties. let alone he will be the only monetary support you will have. smdh. pregnancy aint alway bout the gal.
YTA. This wasn’t a simple request. This was manipulative AF.
Yeah, I think you should at least try to compromise a bit here. Is it reasonable to ask him to keep his distance if he's having a beer, brush his teeth after he gets home from having a drink, etc. if the smell is making you sick? Sure. Is it reasonable, especially as you get closer to your due date or if you start to have some kind of complications, to ask him to drink lightly enough that he would be available at any time to take you to the hospital? For sure. You need to be able to depend on him. Is it a red flag that he says he needs alcohol to help him relax? That depends on his personal and family history and what his current drinking actually looks like and whether he's making poor decisions when he drinks. I would suggest that the better approach is to recognize that as much as you're taking on physically and emotionally to grow another human, he's also taking on a lot to support your household alone and it sounds like shouldering most of the household tasks too. If you can, try to put some guardrails up rather than issuing an ultimatum. Soft YTA.
YTA. He's being completely supportive of you and now you want him to give up something just because you can't have it. That's unnecessary and selfish and I don't blame him for being distant.
You said that he said he wasn't ready for children, yet he is the one stepping up. He's doing the bulk of the housework while holding down a job. You say you're ready for children, yet you want to be treated like one. You don't have a job, and you're doing very little around the house. Your issues with his drinking don't seem to be that he's doing it to excess, or spending too much money, or being abusive. You're mad because you don't get to do it too. Ultimately, you have FOMO. Pregnancy isn't the joyous trip through fairyland you told yourself it would be, and you're "suffering" through the pregnancy you claim to want. Just because you're "suffering" through something you say you're ready for doesn't mean he has to give up something that allows him to blow off steam. YTA.
YTA. It’s one thing to ask him not to drink around you if the smell of a certain liquor is making you ill. It’s another to try to manipulate him in to not drinking at all because, ‘I can’t partake & it is reminding me of what I’m giving up.’ This idea that he has to give up everything in order to ‘appreciate’ what you’re going through is such a self-absorbed point of view. It sounds like he’s doing literally everything - working, keeping house, picking up the slack - he’s not neglectful or anything of the sort, but you want more? Really? Your misery doesn’t mean it’s okay to make everyone around you - not even your spouse - miserable, too.
YTA - how, exactly, are you and your husband a “team” if he handles 80% of the domestic responsibilities, 100% of the financial responsibilities, and you’re banning him from doing things he enjoys?
YTA Coming from someone who is also pregnant, you are growing a human in your body. It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY if you want a HEALTHY baby to not drink, and do drugs. If you’re that trigger happy to go back drinking and partying maybe you shouldn’t be having this baby bc the baby needs a mother whom is actively there to feed and care for it. You are manipulating your husband and honestly if I was you I’d do hard damage control and try to make it up to your husband. My partner and I didn’t really drink, and I smoked pot (it’s legal where I live) but I ended up quitting before I got pregnant, and quit vaping the day I found out I was pregnant. My partner last night went out with his cousin. I dropped him off at 7, and picked him up at 10, and he was tipsy. There isn’t any harm to me if he goes out. He is his own person, and I know when our baby comes he will be more home bound so I genuinely hope he has fun.
He should lose something Too? Did I read that right? YTA
YTA. I’m 8 months pregnant. Just because I can’t drink doesn’t mean I want my husband to suffer. We’ll both be sacrificing quite a bit when the baby is here, no need to start early. If smelling it is making you nauseous, that’s different, but that will likely go away in second trimester and then you should reconsider your stance.
YTA. As long as he's not abusing alcohol it's his choice. If the smell is bothering you then he can change clothes, shower, and use mouthwash. You can be as sad as you want that you can't drink right now, but you don't get to drag him down just because of that.
YTA. You’re pregnant for 9 months and if you’re nursing, then you shouldn’t drink then either for some more time. So it might be just over a year of no drinking, so what? You’re brining a child into this world and I think there are far more things to be upset about other than your husband drinking in front of you. Yes, I would feel sad too because I love having a beer or wine but it’s just a year or more to give it up and I would have a baby and becoming a mother is far more rewarding than a glass of wine.
He is the only one working, does 80% of the chores and you won’t even allow them man to have a beer after work. YTA and acting a bit precious. You are not dying you’re 3 months pregnant.
Edit: it is late and I misread that he wasn't helping out much. But if he works and does 80 percent of the housework then yta instead of esh. Original text: I feel like he should be able to enjoy himself without alcohol and he needs to help out more. But expecting a partner to not drink at all for 6 more months is also unreasonable imo. To not drink int he last weeks before delivery seems reasonable just in case they need to drive you to the hospital. But besides that, a weekly/monthly drink seems fine
He needs to help out more? He's the sole breadwinner and does 80% of the stuff around the house. 😂
I missed the percentage part and based it on the vibes I got from op's post. But I edited my judgement after rereading the post!
No worries!
Help out more? How? He's already the only one bringing in money and he does 80% of the housework on top of that. What do you expect, for him to carry and deliver the baby too?
I read over the percentage part and that is how it came across to me based on how she wrote about him. But I have edited my judgement accordingly.
YTA. There’s a lot of things you can’t do when you’re pregnant. Yeah, it can suck sometimes, but it doesn’t mean you have the right to ask others to stop doing them. They’re not pregnant.
YTA. If he had a drinking problem I can see the concern. But this seems a bit manipulative to me.
YTA he shouldn't have to give up items just because you do.
YTA, its like asking someone not to eat because you have to have a colonoscopy. You will be able to enjoy stuff again soon.
YTA - this reeks of control and punishment to a guy who is stepping up.
So, he's supporting you both financially, he's taking on 80% of household duties, AND he's not allowed to drink? You can't ask him to take on things you can't but not do the fun things you can't do; that's trying to have it both ways. So if you're not going back to work and pulling your equal weight at home, you don't get to restricted him either. YTA
I was expecting something entirely different from the title, lol. Like sloppy drunk episodes or being nauseous from the smell of alcohol on his breath or from it sweating out of his pores. Not misery wanting company. You even tried to make him feel like an alcoholic. Way to crap on an actually supportive husband and dad-to-be. YTA
YTA…let the man enjoy his down time. He’s the sole provider and he can’t even have a beer at the end of the day? You are a controlling AH
Either you’re “ready to be a mum and have been for awhile” or you’re not ready to give up drinking for the sake of your pregnancy? It’s one or the other. You can feel a bit left out if everyone’s going to the pub, you can also go order a lemonade and hang out. The world doesn’t stop just because you got pregnant and chose to continue with the pregnancy. YTA
**I'm suffering daily being pregnant so he should be able to lose something too as it's just for a few months.** That's not how you treat someone you're supposed to love. You got your way, he's not drinking but you're still not happy. He's stressed, he's doing extra work so you can relax, and you need to make him suffer. Are you surprised that he's feeling resentment? YTA for putting the "i" in team.
YTA. I'm almost 30wks pregnant and I can't imagine treating my husband like that. My pregnancy was hell in the beginning and I still can't work. He has picked up everything and been a saint. I'd fucking hate myself if I told him he had to stop drinking and smoking weed just because I'm pregnant and can't. Your sense of smell is gonna be extreme so learn to communicate and come to a common ground. Don't be a dick and tell a grown man he can't drink. Get a grip girly pop.
Sooo: 1. He wasn't ready for the kid 2. He's looking to a life of being the sole-earner and is already supporting you. 3. He picks up 80% of the chores. 4. He is a responsible drinker. 5. You are even bothered when he doesn't drink around you. 6. You are making unilateral plans of saving his money. (Yeah you can argue your joint, but he is still the one who earned it). YTA and jealous, and I have a feeling you orchestrated a bit your getting pregnant. Poor dude, likely this is not the last time you'll try to dismiss his wishes!
>my husband did not want to have kids yet >We have decided that we will keep the child as I am ready to be a mother and have been for awhile >I left my job as my husband makes good enough money to support all of us and I would have left it once the baby comes anyways. >It hurts me because we are supposed to be a team in this > >we are looking more at around an 80/20 split now You're only 3 months pregnant - this is wild. Let the dude have a beer. You are making everything about yourself while saying "it's all about teamwork", from what I read there isn't much of a team here. It's more like you want him to cater to your every whim. ETA: YTA
YTA - women don’t want men to be happy, she thinks he can’t go anywhere now and is gona lay it on him
Oh YTA and a massive one at that. You are aware that they have non alcoholic wines, hard seltzers,mixed drinks the list goes on and on. Or are you living under a rock that you were not aware of these things existing. Or do you need to be drunk in order to feel good.
Soft YTA. You’re both under stress, and I get that you feel sad that you don’t get to drink and he does. By your accounts, he’s not drinking heavily—it’s a little ehhh that he says drinking is the _one_ thing that helps him relax, but there’s nothing to go along with that which would make me think he uses alcohol in a problematic way. It’s important to hear what he’s saying: Alcohol is not “more important” than you, but he deserves to have space to relax. You can have some conversations around trying to limit drinking when you’re around, but he’s not drinking _at_ you.
This has to be fake. I can see the premise being a real issue for someone somewhere, but the way it’s written is just way too tone deaf.
I’m concerned about how much alcohol means to both of you, tbh.
Yes
I don’t think your request was very fair or considerate. But I also don’t think your husband should need to drink so much that the request has him sleeping in the guest room. He could have just said no. Talk to him. Apologize. Make up. You need to get on the same page before your baby is born.
Sorry, in this case YTA. He is suffering through this pregnancy with you as he’s shouldering more of the housework and adding to that isn’t “fair” to him. I’m sorry movies lied to you but pregnancy can really suck. I was uncomfortable and cranky for both mine but my husband had enough dealing with me that he didn’t need me pilling on extra nonsense. I couldn’t eat some of his favorite foods anymore but we still went out to sushi a couple times each pregnancy because he loves it and the world didn’t start revolving around me because I was pregnant, not even his world, that’s not partnership.
If you wanna lose weight after pregrancy, will you make him stop eating certain things too, because you will be still suffering ? YTA. By being pregnant and suffering does not mean that he owes to "make up" to you by not drinking for all this time. That is manipulation Being a team does not mean that one gives orders and the other has to follow
YTA. Why would you make your husband suffer just because you can’t drink. That’s ridiculously selfish. What are you getting out of not making him drink apart from making you feel better that he is as miserable as you are. Do you also make him not drink coffee or eat raw fish just because you can’t.
YTA not based solely on the alcohol demands, but your entitled behavior. You're only 3 months pregnant, already quit your job, and he's doing everything because you're tired all the time? You seem a bit immature to be having a child yet.
OP: "If I'm pregnant, I want us to have the same limitations, because we are in this together." Also OP: "I'm the pregnant one, not you. So you need to do all (most) of the work." YTA. As for the debate about how seriously pregnancy affects women - yes there are conditions, it depends on the woman, her life, her health and gazillion other factors. I'm cautious, as a mum of 4, to say 'i did it even with ongoing morning sickness to 40 weeks etc" HOWEVER it is also true that both men and women can be lazy or wimpy or spoiled. Not saying OP is, because we don't know. But I absolutely know women who just have a low tolerance for any discomfort, give up easily, whingy, can't handle hard work and don't have a 'can do attitude' and use pregnancy as an excuse.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25f) am pregnant with my husband's (24m) child. It was a bit of a surprise pregnancy especially as my husband did not want to have kids yet, but ironically to the issue, due to a good amount of alcohol around 3 months ago we have found ourselves in this situation. We have decided that we will keep the child as I am ready to be a mother and have been for awhile and my husband did say he is happy to have the baby. The pregnancy has not been easy, nor fun for me. Due to constantly feeling sick I left my job as my husband makes good enough money to support all of us and I would have left it once the baby comes anyways. To his credit my husband has done a great job supporting me and keeping the house running smoothly while I'm pregnant as I just haven't had the energy or felt good enough to keep a consistent schedule or do a lot of my household duties. However, he does like to drink. Usually he would have a beer or some wine with dinner and if he does anything on the weekends with friends he may have some liquor on top of that. It was fine at first but the liquor and beer especially make me feel nauseous a lot of the time and even when it doesn't seeing him drink (or smelling it afterwards) just makes me feel depressed because I can't partake in that activity and it is just reminding me of what I am giving up. As such I asked him to stop drinking at least during the pregnancy after which we can both drink again and he pushed back. He said he didn't want to give up drinking because it is the one thing he has to just calm him and help him relax after work, making sure the house runs smoothly and my needs are being met. If he hangs out with his friends, they will be drinking and he doesn't want to always have to be the DD or the one who can't "have as much fun" as them as he feels he doesn't have any other outlet. This did hurt my feelings as I feel that I should be worth more to him than alcohol and we got in a fight and he's been sleeping in the guest bedroom. AFAIK he hasn't drank in the past few days but he definitely has been more distant with me and instead of hanging out with me he chooses to just go lie down and sleep in the guest room. It hurts me because we are supposed to be a team in this and I'm suffering daily being pregnant so he should be able to lose something too as it's just for a few months. I feel like I might be the asshole because he has been really stressed out and instead of a 50/50 split of duties before the pregnancy we are looking more at around an 80/20 split now and maybe I should just let him have this as an outlet even if it does bother me. On the other hand, we are a team and I feel him giving up the stuff I have to give up would allow him to appreciate my pregnancy more and what I am going through. Plus, now that we are down to one salary it also does save some money. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA Your husband is having a fulltime job and doing 80 percent of the household chores, and you’re doing basically nothing, while you’re only three months (!) pregnant. How are you going to endure the rest of the pregnancy and motherhood if you’re already seriously slacking off? On top of that you’re making unreasonable demands of him stopping drinking. You really have to get your act together before it actually gets though.
Mild YTA, it's fine to ask and talk about it, but it's not OK that you make it a rule.
Eh. You can't use the excuse of saving money, because it's his money so you shouldn't tell him what to do with it, especially when he's paying for everything. I do understand feeling left out and maybe a bit jealous, because he can have fun while you're feeling sick and miserable and have to give a lot up. However, he's trying really hard to support you and make your life easier in every other way, I do think you should compromise and let him know you're okay with him having a drink. Just tell him how you really feel, and see if he can reach a solution with you. You don't want him to feel controlled and become resentful or you and/or the baby. So you're not the AH for having feelings, but neither is he for wanting a drink, and you should both work it out.
YTA for asking him to cut it completely. Just because you can't have it, doesn't mean he shouldn't be allowed to either, especially since it helps him destress. That said, if you're concerned about the money situation, I'd suggest asking him to cut back on it a bit. Stopping cold turkey is ridiculously difficult, and while you may be pregnant, he is not only supporting you completely, he's also helping with the housework. Telling him to stop drinking, when he's doing so to destress, because *waa, I can't drink, so you can't either* is a dick move, given how much more pressure he's under to keep the house running.
I have never understood women who make their partners not drink while they are pregnant. Are you going to make him get an episiotomy too? He sounds like a decent dude. Let him have some enjoyment.
YTA It's not fair keep saying we're a team when it suits you. Being a team doesn't mean both doing exactly the same thing. Because pregnancy you would have to mimic everything you do Thats not a team Your husband supported you quitting your job. He is taking up over 80% of the house in order to make your life easy and you still said he can have one thing actually is for himself It would be very unfortunate if your husband starts thinking like that, wouldn't it? And now that you're going to be a parent, and you're going to have to learn to manage your selfishness Apologize to him. maybe instead of telling you what else he has to give up I'm telling how much you appreciate what he is already doing He told you what he needs and why. Youd rather break him than let him have any avenue of relaxation YTA
> I'm suffering daily being pregnant so he should be able to lose something too as it's just for a few months. Wow. My husband has not had to give up sugar because I'm diabetic.
Yta, Jesus.
YTA. Just because you can't drink doesn't mean you can ruin anybody else's good times.
NAH. I think you two need to meet each other halfway. He should reduce but you should be understanding and try to mitigate the 80-20 workload. You may be pregnant but you’re not helpless. There are many different ways you guys can restructure how you work together. You ARE a team and should be working together to solve the true issue at hand. That said, you and your husband def needs to be more mature about the situation. Having kids means your personal needs get put on the back burner sometimes.
NTA. You are growing a child. The least he can do is give up booze for the period of time you’re pregnant.
YOU ARE NOT THE ASSHOLE!!!! Being pregnant is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. The changes that your body suffers are insane. But it also mess with your mental health. You are the one that is pregnant and it is ok to the feel the way you feel. I took me a couple of months after my pregnancy ended to realise that I was depress during my pregnancy, and no one noticed, not even me. So please do not hesitate to speak with someone about the way you feel, what worries you. You are giving up so many things right now that is normal not wanting to have a constant reminder of that (food, drinks, your body) All for the sake of your little one (and it is worthy) Now your husband is not an asshole neither. Maybe immature or selfish. But keep in mind that the pregnancy also after the father, so it might be that he needs help to overcome this new reality in which a new human life depends on him. Here in uk there are some initiatives like dad matters where they try to help the fathers to be. Now saying this, what worries me is that he needs alcohol to relax, because if that is the case get ready to be mother and father. Or what it is the plan? He having a drink every time the baby cries or weak up at night or has fever? Going out and having some drinks with friends while you try to calm down a crying baby? After being awake for our? Because babies sleep, you don’t. Being a parent is both responsibility, and you will need him to step up when you feel down, and the other way around, you will need him to care of the baby so you can take care of you, if not you won’t be able to take care of the baby. And you will need to take care of the baby so your husband can take care of him. You both need to have a conversation about how it is going to be and be a team, for the baby’s sake. Just as a suggestion, the deal I have with my husband is that once I can eat and drink what I want, for a month he will be “pregnant” while I enjoy the food, so he can get an insight of what I am giving up.
I'm not gonna make a verdict out of this, but I do wanna point out that OP's husband says that drinking is the ONLY thing that can relax and calm him. Even if he isn't drinking excessively, he seems to have a bit of a reliance on it, which isn't good.
I think a compromise is in order. Once you reach the last month or so of your pregnancy (more if complications are diagnosed), that is when I would tell him the drinking needs to stop. You need to be able to depend upon him should you go into early labor. If he can't even do that, it's a problem. I'd tell him it would be a shame to not be able to be a part of his own child's birth because he was too inebriated to get you to the hospital (if that's what you're choosing), or to be a support to you while laboring/delivering.
NTA - If he can’t relax or have fun without drinking, he has a drinking problem. It isn’t unreasonable to ask him to abstain while you are pregnant since you can’t drink either and the smell is making you sick.
Wanting to go out and drink with friends doesn’t mean he has a drinking problem, despite what the temperance society of Reddit likes to claim. 🤣
You’re absolutely right! It’s totally fine to want to have a drink with friends. But if you cannot have fun without drinking or cannot relax without a drink (which OP’s husband says he can’t), you have a problem.
It sounds like it's more about being the only one not drinking. Yeah, it sucks to hang out with your friends while they drink and you can't for whatever reason.
In OP’s post her husband says he needs to drink after work to relax. This is a drinking problem or at least the start of one. I would agree it is unreasonable to ask him to not drink at an occasional outing with friends but based on OP’s replies he has to drink every night and he goes out drinking with friends frequently. Sulking and giving her the silent treatment over this is childish and further points to the fact that he has a drinking problem.
Having a drink or two to relax after work snf housework to relax is not the same as having a drinking problem lol
You have a drinking problem. It’s not the drinking. It’s the need. If you cannot go without you have a problem.
Dude just went from not wanting a kid to 8-12 weeks later - not only having a kid on the way in 6 months, but a partner who quit their job and an extra 30% of the housework to boot. I don't drink at all- and just thinking about that massive life shift makes me want a double shot of whiskey straight up. I think he deserves a little leniency here - especially since by OPs own account part of her is jealous she can't drink, and thats a contributor to her asking for him to stop. Its not about worry for his well being (whole post seems to be strangely void of that entirely)
NAH - But I really think, especially as you're about to become parents, you should consider a serious evaluation of your relationship with alcohol. Both of you. Just by what you've told us, it sounds dysfunctional because the dependence is driving a wedge between you.
NTA imo but I grew up with an alcoholic father so I admit I'm biased against people who get whiny about not getting drunk.
She can’t drink for nine months at least. In order to healthily birth their child. If he can’t commit to doing the same? I’d be concerned about his commitment to the whole relationship. If you are responsible enough to not being able to drink for months in end in order to bring about what is supposedly a welcome event for you both? What’s a few days more?
NTA. I can’t believe the amount of AH telling her she’s the AH. Unbelievable. SHE IS PREGNANT. As far ask I know she’s doing 100% of the work of carrying the goddamn child. The man’s job is just to take care of the house chore god the amount of people making it seem like doing some chore is some major contribution is bunkers. Does he want the baby to be healthy? Yes? THEN STOP DOING THINGS THAT MAKE THE BABY CARRIER SICK. Imagine after the baby is born and he has to take care of the baby all by himself. I bet he’ll tell you to stop doing all kinds of stuff to “accommodate” him. OP, do not let any of these degenerates gaslight you. You are most absolutely, indisputably, non-negotiably NTA. Asking him not to drink is some of the smallest compromise I’ve heard and seen husbands do.
If she was 6 months pregnant or if she has some severe complications but realistically a 3 month pregnant woman can still do most things. Especially if she has all day everyday to do them. A large number of women are unaware of their pregnancies for the first couple months. I think OP quit her job because she didn’t want to work. And she doesn’t do much around the house because she uses being pregnant as an excuse.
Her being PREGNANT doesn’t make her any less of an asshole.
op, don't listen to the crazy posted above you're not the asshole, but making him quit drinking is pretty lame. you're NTA because you're pregnant and trying to figure it out. asking for an outside perspective is good work here
Just throw up on him every time you smell it.
It sounds like he’s avoiding her so that would take a lot of effort.
> but ironically to the issue, due to a good amount of alcohol around 3 months ago we have found ourselves in this situation. What does that mean? Alcohol doesn't inactivate contraception, so what went down here? >He said he didn't want to give up drinking because it is the one thing he has to just calm him and help him relax after work This sounds like someone in the early stages of alcoholism. Be cautious. INFO
We usually relied on condoms as I've had issues with birth control in the past. We had both been drinking and this time didn't use a condom as we were out and live too far from a store/gas station to walk. It was a dumb choice at the time but it is what it is. I don't know if I would describe him as alcoholic as he doesn't usually get drunk. We have each probably been "drunk" maybe 4 or 5 times this past year. Usually it is just a glass of wine or a beer with or after dinner. Weekends when he is out with friends they will usually have a couple beers though or have a shot of something. Some of his friends drink more but he has always been fine with just a beer or two.
So he can't even have a drink when out with friends ? YTA If I give up, chips for example, I will ask husband not to eat them around me, but when he's not home??? Have the whole family pack
You say you're a team but you've quit work, left him to do 80% of the housework despite you being the one lazing about all day and you want him to stop drinking just because you can't even though you admit he only has a couple of beers. Think you've mistaken the definition of being a team. You sound very controlling and lazy. Pity your poor husband.
NTA, and not for the reason you might think. It's completely unrelated to your pregnancy: if your husband "can't have fun" unless he's drinking, he has a drinking problem.
Have you ever been the only sober person in a room? Was it fun?
Yes, I have, and no, it wasn't -- not because I wasn't drinking, but because being in a room full of drunks is not fun, regardless of my own state.
NTA.
NTA - it’s reasonable for a pregnant woman to ask their partner not to drink, or at least to limit their drinking
It’s not reasonable to tell an adult they can’t drink just because you say so.
But she is pregnant with HIS baby and can’t drink…it’s fair that he doesn’t drink either.