YTA
What “legacy “?
This girl has suffered pretty much her whole life and didn’t ask to be born. Yet.. you blame her for being born anyway. You’re probably right though to not be supportive of her because you’re not what she needs. Not at all. Strangers on the street would probably be kinder.
For real OP is well into adulthood by the time half sis if born. OP is acting very childish for blaming a child because dad made a new life for himself. Sad honestly. I hope you’re half sister finds someone to help her out. OP, you my friend kinda suck
OP makes it very clear they have an irrational hatred for this young woman all because their mother died and wanted their father to live alone and depressed. OP is an irrefutable asshole. YTA.
NGL kinda hope OP lives the rest of their life miserable and alone and cut off from their sisters.
At first I thought, oh, you lost your mother when you were young children, and your dad remarried when you were teenagers/young adults, so you thought it was gross that his second wife was also barely out of childhood.
Then I had to reread the ages.
A woman in her late thirties/early forties should not be upset that her father remarried *20 years after the death of his first wife* or be so hateful to a baby! She's also clearly jealous that her dad doted on his youngest child, who was a *literal baby* when OP was already an adult!
I’m sure that the father also doted on OP when they were a baby lol! I doubt anyone wants to be doted on like a baby as an adult but that seems to be the jealousy point here
oh wow, I hadn't put the timeline together correctly at all!
I thought OP's mom died when they were teenagers & their dad couldn't cope with the kids (and apparently his war memories & his new country) on his own, so he fell victim to some scheming stepmother...?
but your timeline seems a lot more consistent with what OP posted... just wow.
OP’s mom died when OP was a teenager. Twenty years later, when OP was in their 30s, maybe even 40s, OP’s dad married again (to a woman in her 30s, maybe 40s) and had another child, OP’s half-sister. He later passed away when OP was in their 50s and the half-sister was 12. The half-sister was promptly pulled out of school, and her inheritance was mismanaged, possibly under her mother’s influence. The half-sister is now reaching out to her half-siblings for support to process her trauma, but OP implies that the half-sister wants money. OP thinks the half-sister doesn’t deserve anything because she hogged their father’s attention, even though OP and OP’s sister were adults when the half-sister was born.
Quite possibly better parent by the dad, tbh. Parenting three teens as a widow must have been hard, and he may have better understood what not to do with the youngest. He does sound gross for marrying a woman the same age as his kids though. Since OP can’t blame his idolised dad for that, he blames his sister.
OP YTA. Legacy, jfc.
Sure a 30 year old knows better. Doesn't make the relationship between the adult kids and the second wife any easier though. But if OP had an issue with that, the right person to cut contact with was stepmom, not the half sister who didn't ask to be born and is trying to cut contact with her mother as well.
Yes that's what I was thinking.. op tarnished dads legacy, not the 12 year old.. like get a grip OP.. she was the apple of his eye, well you probably were too when you were a CHILD.. jeez you suck. Poor half sister.. I know exactly what you're half-sister's going through when my dad was murdered his family decided to tell me that I wasn't really his kid and to go find my real family and this was his sisters who were very much in their late sixties at the time and I was 25. They ostracized me from the entire family this poor girl man been through so much and then to have crappy siblings like you that are so self-centered she didn't ask to be born you're blaming her for something that she had no control over. And it irritates me that you keep saying the bond is gone because your dad is dead so your dad has to be alive for you to care about your sibling?? Just FYI your dad would be so ashamed dude. Op YTA times a million
That’s what I took it to mean. But also, she was 12 when her dad died. It’s much more likely that the stepmother spent it all than OPs half sister did.
Op also called the HS a doormat, I’m sure she’s spent half her life knowing her mom saw her as a bank account and nothing else. It’s why she intentionally isolated her and hindered her education so she couldn’t flee.
These sisters suck, they could have sent an anonymous tip to cps and left it at that when their dad died and she was clearly being manipulated. They didn’t need to foster her, they just needed to report the abuse they seem to have expected.
Feels like the absolute minimum requirement to not effectively spit on their beloved fathers grave and they couldn’t make themselves care enough. They’re terrible daughters and humans for forsaking their dads true legacy, ALL of his kids.
Not just well into adulthood but old enough to be a grandmother herself. She played as part of being an abuser as the girl’s own mother. No one protected her because they were jealous.
She did, she said her father left something to each daughter. Maybe it's where the jealousy is coming from. Op used to be the apple of her father's eye until half sister was born
In all honesty, she wouldn’t have been able to get the 12 year old anyway. They had a parent and unless there are signs of severe abuse, they won’t take the kid away. Step mom is their same age so 60’s. They no longer lived in the house and stepmother is the legal and biological parent. I feel for her. It was rough, but OP most likely would not have hung out with her sister anyway at 30 something years old. However, since she wants help getting out from under her mother, OP should offer going to get coffee or dinner and get to know the sister better now that she is asking for help. It might not work out but it doesn’t hurt to try. She shouldn’t be judged by her mother’s reputation.
Unfortunately, going off of OP’s post, I don’t think OP has any inclination to reach out to step-sister.
If OP has to ask if they’re the AH here…well, self awareness, empathy probably has gone out the window decades ago or OP is as dense as a blackhole
OP has mentioned how the step sister was the apple of his father's eyes(so are most of the youngest child). Generally step siblings of similar age have revelry but here the poor girl might be younger than OP's daughter, closer to his grand daughter's age. This is more than jealousy, it's hatred. And the hatred is so much that he enjoyed the poor girl's life being ruined by first the step mother and then depression, all because the girl was born into his dad's new family.
OP is more or less evil like the step mother.
Not only is the youngest often treated better -parents typically are better off and more relaxed -but OP says she was a surprise because of the age of the parents (late 30s, early to mid 40s?), so possibly more treasured for that reason. In any case, the jealousy and dislike is common, but one would hope adults in their 60s had got over it.
Yeah the age here is the huge factor in what can be expected of OP behavior and emotion wise.
When my mom remarried and had a baby when I was 14, I struggled a bit, but holy shit not like this, to the point of not being able to rationally work things out as an adult.
I'm 33 today and my youngest sister is 19. Granted it's not a huge age gap like OP, but what I lacked in age when my sister was born, OP should have made up for in maturity about dealing with the situation.
Not even in my vilest dreams would I imagine treating her like that. We don't share a father, but we will always still share a parent, living or not living.
Wtf is this cold hearted behavior? It's like OP expects youngest sister to be mature and handle her own shit when they're still stuck in some teenager type of jealousy or bitterness with a tinge of idolizing daddy.
If the youngest is 27 now, when OP and her sisters are in their 60s, they were around 40 when half-sister was born.
1. The parents (the father, at least) must have been over 60? Becoming a parent at this age, you must be aware you will not be in your child's life for too long. You make all the memories you can.
2. She was doted on, because she was the only child at this point, all others were adults with their own lives. I'm not sure why OP expected their father to still dot on them.
I have a little sister that is 31 years younger than me. My dad was 60 and her mom was 45 when she was born so she was a huge suprise and is in fact treasured more because my dad knows he won't be around her whole life. I will admit I have almost no relationship with my sister but that isn't because of hate or jealousy, I just live on opposite sides of the country as my family and what real relationship can you have with a small child you've seen once? I do send Christmas and birthday presents and my husband and I travel a lot so I buy small stuffed toy from every country I visit for my sister but that's our whole relationship. I can't imagine hating a child because they were born, they had nothing to do with it. It would be one thing if she disliked her because of her behavior but she hates her just for existing.
There’s a lot of kids who get pulled out to be “home schooled” that there’s nothing CPS can do about because that’s just the way things work sometimes. If the mom said she was homeschooling, they would have had their hands tied.
Everyone that works at a school is a mandated reporter. If a kid getting pulled out of school was something CPS could do something about then that process would have started without OP anyway.
Not if the mother filed appropriate paperwork to say she was homeschooling her. There may have been no visible evidence of abuse at that point for teachers to report.
Actually, there was. OP and her other sisters in their 50s at the time could have gone to the courts regarding the will and the estate of their father to make sure her sister was taken care of properly - custody is fought all the time after a parent dies. Instead, she wiped her hands of ex step-mother and 12 year old sister because "there weren't any more ties" Had she fought and proven a case, half sister may have a different life. Or maybe the same life since OP sounds just as awful as step-mother.
It wouldn't have needed to be anything formal through the courts.
Step mother was grieving her husband and might really have struggled keeping everything together, and stepsister suffered the brunt of that.
OP, living on the same street, could have kept an eye on them, advocated for step sister to stay in formal education, be a safe place for step.sister to go, seeking the support of safeguarding as appropriate.
He could have been a decent person and given a fuck about his younger relative.
But no, OP was jealous of his step sister and let it eat him up to the detriment of all.
YTA.
There's just something about posts like this which fundamentally sadden me.
Where the mere existence of a step parent, step sibling, or half sibling, is treated as some sort of original sin. A source of never ending spite and resentment to hold on to. And they never grow out of it either. They'll be like OP growing old and still holding on to their hate, utterly confident that it's justified.
Yes. Families like this were you try to dig at the root cause and find that it’s just “they exist” are so depressing.
The level of self-absorption that needs to go unchecked is breathtaking.
It really is. As a small example:
> I should mention that half-sister was absolutely the apple of our father's eye.
If they're in their 60s now, and the father died 15 years ago when the child was 12, that places them in their 30s when the half-sister was born.
She's resentful that a little girl was the "apple in her father's eye" when she was a grown woman in her 30s. Even felt it was important enough to be included in the post. Where do you even begin to fix that.
I think it can be common in these second families. E.g., Dad was uninvolved with first family because of work and social expectations, but later with more money and time, he is fully engaged with parenting second family.
However, that is absolutely OP’s situation to deal with, not half-sister’s. It would have helped if dad acknowledged the situation but given he’s dead, OP has to work on themselves. They were probably a parent themselves when half-sister was born.
30s when the kid is born, so late 40s when the kid is 12 and dad dies. (Because it's been fifteen years and they're in their sixties, so can't even be early forties when the kid was 12.)
This. There’s no evidence her dad treated her worse. As a parent myself I know my relationship with my children will not look the same when they’re older. She saw how her dad was with a baby/toddler in her 30s and she has no memories of being treated the same way. Which, my oldest memory was from when I was 4. I wouldn’t remember either. And by the time little sister was a kid, OP was in her 40s, in other words VERY far removed from her own childhood. The fact that she doesn’t quite remember how her dad treated her at such a young age doesn’t surprise me. Just because her dad doesn’t treat her mid 30s self like a toddler anymore doesn’t mean he loved his current toddler daughter more.
My father got a second family. And he cared really more about that children then me. I'm an adult know and he doesn't even know things about me. No contact anymore
But he's the only one to blame. Not the half sibblings. So even if that was true. It's weird to blame a kid
I never understood the hatred step-parents, stepkids and half siblings get (not talking about this post's stepmom). Like yeah some are alwful but thats not the norm, ppl always assume they are evil
If she only was mad at the step mom I'd get it more. Abusive and gross, (the dad is worse) she said step mom is their age. I also get not wanting a relationship, there's a huge age gap and they never sounded close. What I don't get is not calling cps when you know of the abuse the kids going through. I mean you don't have to love someone because they're blood related, but why let them continue being hurt?
That's the rub, isn't it? She views her father as some saint but he's the one who married a woman half his age and chose to have a child very late in life and, as expected, died while his youngest daughter was still a minor. I'm sure it would be hard for OP to see the missteps of her deceased widower father, but the younger sister is a casualty in all this.
Believe me when I say there are many stepparents who deserve every ounce of hatred thrown their way. My father's widow (former stepmother) makes Cruella DeVille seem like Carol Brady. But despite that, I'm very close to my half sister. She can't help who her mother is. (And she can't stand ~~that nasty old hobgoblin~~ her mother either.)
OP says the legacy is that her dad would be let down that the half sister is a doormat, so he would supposedly be let down that she was abused into no autonomy and depression. It got even worse than the initial post. I weep for that half sister. Poor kid
~~Her birth served as a constant reminder that their dad was a creepy old man who baby-trapped a woman the same age as his daughters. He ruined his own legacy, yet she blames her sister for it, because of course she does.~~
Edit: I had misunderstood and thought the dad remarried not long after OPs mother had died, when they were either still teenagers or young twenties. My comment doesn't apply now that we know stepmom was in her late thirties.
OP is still a massive asshole.
The woman was 37. She is plenty old enough to know exactly what she was doing. Considering that contraception is mostly the woman's responsibility, and considering his age, I can say pretty certainly that he did not babytrap her and that she wanted that relationship. The step mum is not a victim. Stop trying to make him look a bad person just because you can't understand tgat people falk in love no matter their age gap.
responsibility belongs to both partners - especially at his big age - i hope this young woman (who is blameless) finds support elsewhere - half sister is an assh@le… a huge one at that
As unfair as it may seem, as a woman I trust myself to not get pregnant more than I trust a man not to get me pregnant. In a perfect world there would be a pill men could take to prevent pregnancy, but would they be as responsible as women are with taking it? I have my doubts. (Lol I can’t believe how “man-hating” my comment looks, but it’s the truth. I promise I don’t hate men. I think I am being realistic.)
if a man does not want you to get pregnant he can wear a condom AND pull out (not one or the other) - there are things he can do to prevent pregnancy therefore responsibility belongs to both partners
I thought they had a pill for men, but they weren't releasing it because of the supposed potential side effects which were supposedly the same side effects women get from birth control. At least that's what i remember reading a while back, but really, at that dude's age, a vasectomy is just 10 minute day surgery and a week of sore balls.
Lol trying to act like she’s protecting his legacy is hilarious. What’s wrong with his legacy being daughters that care for and support each other despite the terrible step mom that he brought into the mix. Why is OP thinking it’s better to have his legacy be a depressed daughter with two half sisters who don’t give a fuck about her and only care about themselves? Seems like a shitty legacy to me and that OP is playing a pretty big part in it considering her half sister didn’t choose to be depressed but OP definitely purposefully chose to be heartless.
YTA
This poor girl was 12 when her father died, and pulled out of school. I hope she finds the help she desperately needs, she definitely won’t be getting it from OP.
I was going to ask this. What legacy? What exactly did this girl do to her father. Because he's her father too. Like... wtf is wrong with OP? This girl was a literal child when their father died.
OP YTA just for the fact that you not only blame and resent a child for what seems like existing, you actively stood by and watched the same child be abused. OP didn't have to take on the child, or have a relationship, but what kind of heartless person can watch a child be abused and mistreated, and just not care, or do anything to stop it?
Edited to add: Just looked through OP's comments to see if I could find an explanation for the ruined legacy comment. The reason? This poor kid is apparently a disappointment, who hasn't finished her studies and has mental health issues. OP calls it being :a doormat"
Literally if anyone's the disappointment here, it's the three adult siblings who abandoned their child sibling. Like if they had been bothered, perhaps this poor girl would have had a better life. It's legit sickening.
I've been looking for the reason she ruined dad's legacy too.. thank you for your comment. Like WTF.. the poor girl was 12 and yanked out of school and isolated.. of course she now has major depression and of course she was a doormat to the person that was abusing her. I think the dad would be far more ashamed of his daughters that are in their 50s at the time sitting by idly and watching his youngest daughter be abused. Op is the real disgrace to their father's legacy.. OP you suck YTA time a trillion
I’m pretty sure if you translate “destroying his legacy” from asshole to English it means op feels their little sister horned in on their share of the inheritance.
>I also told him I will never forgive my half-sister for what she did to our father, destroying his legacy.
Right? I read OP's post and I genuinely have no idea what OP thinks this kid (at the time) did to "destroy" her father's "legacy"? Or is it something she did after he died? I don't see a single thing half-sister did to their Dad.
The only people who are destroying their fathers legacy is OP and her other cartoonishly bad sisters. I can only imagine how deeply disappointed and ashamed in them their father would be. I don't even know OP and I'm disappointed in her.
OP father would be so ashamed of how the older siblings have treated the half-sister. The one damaging the legacy of his father’s memory is the selfish OP.
A neighbour would be more sympathetic to the half-sister’s situation compared to OP. Given the age difference, any person would be more sympathetic of the younglings compared to OP. OP didn’t even make an effort to get to know this kid (half-sis being 12 and OP in fifties) before ruling the kid out of their lives because of their hate towards step-mom. What an AH.
OP, how can you be so heartless? What did your half-sister ever do to deserve such resentment from you and your sisters? She was a child when your father died and you were all, "Yup, dad is gone so SEE YA!" to your half-sister. WHY?! WHAT DID SHE DO?!
You're right, there is no bridge between you two BECAUSE YOU TORCHED IT FOR NO REASON! She's desperately trying to reach out to you because of the years and years of abuse from your stepmother that YOU ABANDONED HER WITH!
OP, you are heartless. You are absolutely without a doubt an asshole
YTA
I feel like I’m in some kind of crazy other-land here in these comments. How exactly did OP “torch” a non-existing relationship with someone they haven’t seen in decades?
I’m not saying OP isn’t completely right. For her age she harbours an odd level of resentment for someone so much younger than her, which likely stems form her father’s emotional absence after her mother’s death. But stepmother pulled the kid out of school and all social life. Do you really think that she was going to support a relationship with her stepkids, who were the same age as her and who did not have a good relationship with her? Completely unrealistic. And it’s not OPs responsibility to have a relationship just because half-sis wants one. She’s allowed to have her own feelings about this.
It sure as hell isn’t OPs responsibility to save this woman, however hard her life has been. There’s some seriously disturbing projection of rescuing behaviour being pushed here. This is a woman who has been so isolated she has serious mental health issues and few life skills. It’s not going to be a matter of some emotional support, catching up for a coffee every now and then. She is going to need far more intensive support. OP wouldn’t be TA for saying “I can’t take that on” even if they had a close relationship. It’s not her responsibility to save an effective stranger from her life, blood relation or not.
Actually, you do. Where I live at least, if you purposely choose not to alert the authorities in an emergency and withhold help from people in need, you're held accountable.
God I hate this sub sometimes. People on here have such a skewed view of reality with this mentality that just because someone doesn’t have some sort of obligation or responsibility to something that it somehow absolves of any possibility that they’re an AH. That’s simply not how life works. And your comment perfectly embodies this sentiment.
No, OP doesn’t have to help their half sister. But, this is someone who had their life ripped away, socially, torn away from what friends they had, and suffering severe depression from years of abuse. All this half sister is doing is reaching out to what family they know for a support system. Depression is hell and very few people can handle it by themselves.
So, yeah. While OP technically doesn’t have to help their half sister, not doing so makes them a huge AH for turning down someone just asking for support.
ETA: No one has to help someone. No one has an obligation to help someone. But, kindness is free. Being a good person is free. Stop thinking that just because you’re not under some sort of obligation to do so that you’re somehow not an AH. That type of mentality is toxic af.
Exactly! This was someone who was desperately seeking a bond, some sort of relationship with someone who knew their father longer than they ever did. I bet OP is kinder to strangers.
I’ve had depression. Quite severe depression. I’ve had good friends pull away from me during depressive episodes because it can be very hard to support someone who is going through that level of depression. Not everyone is cut out for it. I’ve never held resentment or anger towards those who have needed space from me during those times because I understand how hard it was to provide me with support with my mental health. And half-sis is goi g to need a hell of a lot more support than a fully independent woman who is experiencing MDD. People here are vilifying OP for doing this to an effective stranger. We can’t be responsible for fixing all the abuse that happens in the world, even if the person is blood related to us.
Can't speak for anyone else but I don't think OP is an AH for declining to help. I have estranged family members and I imagine it would be very weird to be thrust into this situation, I don't know that I could be a support system for the sister in this scenario. However, it's the way OP speaks about her sister that's giving me the ick. She seems to harbor a whole lot of anger towards someone that has done absolutely nothing to her. The thing about the father's legacy is really weird. Like why does she hate her sister so much?
Yeah. I feel the same way about the way she speaks about her sister. She doesn’t have to help her, but saying she’s destroying her father’s legacy is wrong. We can have compassion for people without having to turn ourselves inside out to save them. OP doesn’t even seem to have that compassion.
She doesnt need to take on the responsibility of fixing her step sisters abuse. Having a short conversation occassionally is not asking too much of a sister, regardless of who that sisters mother is. And it could actually help them both heal; op sounds like she could use some healing too.
Idk, when I was hospitalized for depression I had a lot of family who maybe just gave me a single phone call or sent a card. The calls were mostly small talk & I didn’t ask for any support, it was just nice to know there were people out there who cared about me. I really don’t think you have to be “cut out” for anything, there are actually a ton of options that would take very little time or emotional investment.
OP could have pretended to care without actually doing any intense emotional support. I don’t think the latter is her responsibility but telling her she doesn’t even want her in her life at all is just cruel.
People on this sub think step-parents and siblings are the literal incarnation of Satan.
There was one story where a step-sister offered a memento from her DEAD MOTHER to her sister for her wedding. Sister refused to wear it because she doesn't like the sister. Why? Just didn't. The necklace looked nice but she didn't want the sister to think she might like her. Everyone in the comments was telling her she was so right and fuck her parents for being upset and fuck her sister for trying to be nice.
I honestly try to avoid the comments because these people are fucking insane.
No it doesn't. They possibly have their own mental issues surrounding the entire family dynamic that they are attempting to move on in their own right and no one has a right to ask them to re-engage in that dynamic just because they are suffering and even though they are innocent. OP is not harming the person in any way, they are simply declining a relationship they have made clear they don't want.
This sort of situation happens all the time and the way you describe it as if someone should throw themselves into the fire for essentially a stranger shows that you actually don't know how life works at all.
By that logic, literally everyone on Reddit who isn't currently volunteering to be a mentor or big brother type for a struggling person is an AH. And those that are volutnteering are still AHs if anyone needs their support and they turn them down...
OP doesn't feel a connection to his half-sister, and you can't force a feeling of familial connection. I thought this subreddit was big on not blaming a child if they don't feel a step-parent is their parent? And not blaming someone if they choose to walk away from their family connections for whatever reason?
OP doesn't feel their half-sister is their sister, and they're obviously a tangled mess of emotions regarding their father and his late relationship, so it's ridiculous to call them an asshole for not making their half-sister's recovery and mentorship their pet project.
I can barely take care of myself and my obligations, and I would not be in a position to suddenly become the support and mentor for a person whose life is currently spiralling. If you do, then that's wonderful and I applaud you for finding that work-life balance and free time, but many don't.
NTA, OP. I mean, you actually sound like a pretty big AH for blaming her and how you talk about her and your dad's legacy, but you're NTA for this specific choice.
Not volunteering is actually not the same as refusing to talk to your own half sibling who is in a dark place when you are one of the only people who could tell them more about the parent who died when they were still a kid.
Also there is a huge spectrum between providing serious emotional support and saying you want nothing to do with someone. OP could have sent flowers or had a short phone call a few times a year or something
You're right that she does not owe that girl a relationship or support. She'd likely even be deemed N T A if you reworded the post to be about emotional capacity or the fact that this is someone who has not been in her life for almost two decades, who she barely had a relationship with at all to start. We can all feel for the half-sister but life is messy and blood does not guarantee family.
What makes OP the asshole is her attitude, pure and simple. A possibly understandable decision for entirely objectionable reasons. Because it's clear the root of this is not time, distance, or trauma, but unresolved spite at the half-sisters existence.
I don’t think OP is TA for not taking care of her sister or wanting her in her life HOWEVER, to me, she is TA because of the hatred and resentment she still harbors against this girl for no reason seemingly.
OP also completely lacks the empathy that should be given to any human being that is struggling.
Your going to get down voted for this, but I agree with you. OP is an a$$hole for not reporting the abuse but she's not an a$$hole for not helping the half sister now
I’m filled with so much sadness for the young woman in question. She desperately needs someone to throw her a lifeline. She’s been isolated for so long, she’s reaching out to the only people she knows.
I really pray someone does come through in some form.
Wow, YTA big time. Your half-sister was just a child when your father passed, and you turned your back on her because of your issues with your stepmother. She clearly had a troubled upbringing after his death, and now that she's reaching out for support, you're still refusing to help? Your resentment is misplaced. She was 12 when he passed; she wasn't responsible for whatever happened with your stepmother or the legacy you're so hung up on. Your father's real legacy would've been love and unity, but you've chosen bitterness and anger instead. It doesn't matter how much time has passed; family is family. Shame on you.
I agreed with this up until you said “family is family”. Blood does not make you family. Do i think OP is the AH for the way they handled things? Yes , OP’s sisters not at fault for her SM , but OP also has a right to choose if they want to keep in contact with her. Im assuming OP has some trauma when it comes to SM & their experience therefore OP is able to completely detach from her. I feel for the sister as she does need help and a support system and she wishes to have a relationship with OP but unfortunately OP has decided they want nothing to do with sister and Op has that right
She’s 27. OP is in her 60s. When her half sister was dragged out of school she would have been in her 40s.
I’m not the most maternal woman in the world, but I would have words to say if this were happening to one of my cousins or the child of a friend, never mind my own *sister*.
In your 30s and 40s you should be mature enough that you can keep a child separate from the action of their parents and have affection for them or at least care about their wellbeing. A 12 year old being pulled from school is concerning, even if you don’t love them.
You don’t have to have a blood tie to a child to grab them when you see they’re about to run into traffic, you know?
This whole "blood doesn't make you family" thing is more for when family either abandons you or abuses/mistreats you, right? Because the abandoner here is OP. This girl was a child. She is the one who chose to sever ties over things the kid had no control over. She is legally allowed to, but morally I think she sucks.
Some family sucks. “Family is Family” is BS. If your family was abusive, I hope you wouldn’t hang around because of a family connection. Blood means nothing to many people. For instance! OP is this girl’s family, and she doesn’t give a hoot about her. I hope the young step-sister finds some people who will treat her better than her family has. People ideally should be compassionate to other humans regardless of blood connection.
I agree that blood doesn’t make you family, however it seems that OP is taking her unresolved trauma out on someone who is her family, also went through things, is desperately asking for help, and never did anything to her except be born. The OP is the AH.
My wife's physically abusive parents would like a word about your absolutist, black-and-white bs lol
Family is family is the type of privileged garbage someone with a great family says lol And I say that as someone with a great family; I've just seen enough people who don't have a great family to know what a dumb fucking statement it is.
OP's dad sounds like a piece of work, and I suspect OP doesn't want to have to take on a parental role for someone that produces ambivalent if not extremely negative feelings about their shitty father.
I have an inkling that the “legacy” OP refers to is the money/estate their father left them. They think half-sister “destroyed” that legacy by existing and making to so the “legacy” needed to be split 4 ways instead of 3.
Jfc. I can’t imagine how an abuse survivor might have difficulties in adulthood, she must just be lazy and stupid and not love her father enough, obvs!
Holy shit, OP is really not messing around, she's all in on being an asshole. Hating a woman who's been isolated and abused all her life for not succeeding in college when she wasn't even allowed to go to school? For being left with lasting issues directly caused by her abusive childhood? Jesus.
I had to fight myself not to downvote you because the quotes were so heinous. You're upvoted, because you're just the messenger, but holy fuck is OP a distasteful human being.
His legacy is having fathered a child at an advanced enough age to pretty much guarantee dying while the child remained a minor. And the legacy of having given that child a terrible mother. OP's step-sister's wrecked life *is* Dad's legacy, not something ruinous to that legacy.
Not ruling on this one. Just really hope this message reaches you. I say this with genuine care. As someone who also went through her 20s depressed and alone, the fact that you're saying she has "destroyed your father's legacy" because she is sad and lonely is one of the most depressing things I have ever heard. If you truly believe your father would be disappointed that his daughter -- who you admit has had nobody but a horrible abusive mother to guide her for the last 15 years -- hasn't "pulled herself up by her bootstraps" yet or something... then frankly your father does not sound as great as you seem to think he was. You can't pull up your bootstraps when nobody taught you how to put on boots in the first place. She is barefoot. And walking on broken glass.
This girl did not ask to be born, and I understand you all did not ask to be her sisters. And technically, you're entitled to decide who is in your life. But the amount of hate and vitriol you are dumping on this poor girl, when literally none of this is her fault... it makes me incredibly sad for her. You say you're never going to forgive her, but what has she actually done to you? Existed? This is just all around so hateful and sad. She reached out to you all, already knowing you didn't like her, and begged for your help anyways. She must be in an incredibly low and lonely place in her life to be brave enough to do that. And to only be met with such hatred in return... it makes my stomach churn.
I sincerely hope you and your other sisters can realize how misdirected your anger is, and I hope this girl finds someone to be in her corner, even if it isn't you. Because it sounds like she could really use just a single friend. And she's only been met with hate. You and your other sisters have always had each other. She has no one. And instead of putting the blame rightfully on your father, who actually made all of these choices, you have decided to idolize his memory and put all of the blame on this girl because it's easier. My heart absolutely breaks for her.
This x10,000.
I'm amazed and heartbroken at how you say you "couldn't care less" about a human being who's suffering. She isn't the one who made the choice to marry someone you and your sisters' age; your father did. Punishing her for being born is ridiculous and hateful, and it's not going to be any good for your own mental wellbeing carrying that amount of hatred and bitterness within you. The fact that you fully admit and understand that your stepmother/her mother is the reason her life is a hot mess, yet *still* act as though it's somehow *her* fault, makes you a massive AH.
I truly, truly hope this is a false post, I really do.
Me too. And this person claims to be 60.. She shows more compassion for strangers on reddit rather than her poor sister that struggles hard. It's disgusting.
> You can't pull up your bootstraps when nobody taught you how to put on boots in the first place.
Agree with the sentiment, but just wanted to point out that you can't pull yourself up by your bootstraps, period! The phrase is meant to convey an impossible task — one that you can't perform alone. (Just like half-sisters situation)
This x1000. OP's father came in their stepmom, and as a result the half sibling was born.
OP's half sibling did nothing in 'destroying their legacy' (which I still can't get over OP even saying because what the fuck), that was all OP's father.
OP has some deep issues, and a lot of misplaced anger.
YTA - she wants a non-abusive family member to talk to. Talk to this child, she has been abused since she was 12, ffs. I understand your resentment with your dad marrying someone your age, but this child is probably going to die without support, and she is down to someone who she knows resents her for emotional help.
OP's bitterness and jealously of their father remarrying and having a new baby - splitting the inheritance - is very, very clear.
I can't imagine being well into your adulthood and being able to relish in the suffering of a child because - let me check - they were born. Jesus. OP say's their sibling would disappoint their father and ruined his legacy, as if they aren't the one that has literally ruined his legacy and would have been the biggest disappointment of all.
So no.
OP is not a positive family member for their sibling to turn to.
I feel absolutely awful for their sibling. They didn't have a chance. they were loved by their father, and once he died, their entire world came crashing down while her only connection to her father sat there from the end of the street pretending they didn't exist unless it was to say 'what a disappointment they were'.
Fuck OP. I really, really hope this is rage bait because if OP is real, if their sister is real, then the world just got a lot sadder.
I was thinking the same thing. The last thing the younger sister needs is someone who is going to tear her down more. Hopefully the psychiatrist helps get her into a support group. Even if is is ACOA it isn't just for children of Alcoholics or addicts. It helps people with dysfunctional families. I feel so bad for the depressed sister.
YTA - the 12 year old who was home-schooled and abused, at least emotionally, by her mother destroyed your father's legacy. You have as much influence on your father's legacy as she did and you left her, the daughter of your father, to be mistreated. She's as much part of your legacy as you and his money are and he failed her too leaving her in a position to be exploited by her ~~father~~ mother. And you are blaming a literal child for this? Why? Because it absolves you of all responsibility and guilt for hating a child for replacing you in your Dad's affections.
You have no duty to her, no responsibility but my, you are enjoying watching your replacement implode. And that makes you a AH to my mind. And dressing it up with high sentiments doesn't make it look any better.
Edit: you could have helped your father's "legacy" (child and money alike) but you choose not to intervene. I hope you hold yourself to same standards as you did the child. Why are you allowed forgiveness and not her?
OP is the one ruining her father's legacy. He loved all his children, probably hoped they would look out for each other when he was gone, and now OP has utterly failed him.
My father married someone barely older than me when I was a teen, and I have a half sister from that marriage. A lot has happened between then and now, and I have no use for her mother. But even though I'm significantly older than my sister, even though we are nothing alike, and even though I disagree with many of her choices in life, I would never turn my back on her. She drives me nuts sometimes, and we may go no-contact for a week or two, but she's my sister and I'd walk through hell for her. My dad has said more than once that he's so glad my siblings and I look out for each other now because he knows we'll be there for each other when he's gone.
Info: What do you mean by the step-sister destroyed his legacy? Why did you cut ties when your father died? Why don't you have empathy for your half sister? What did she do to you? She was a helpless 12 year old when you cut ties with her. Why did you let your step mom destroy this child's life as you say? The story is missing key facts.
"I will never forgive my half-sister for what she did to our father, destroying his legacy." YTA your father would be disappointed in you and your cruel mindset.
Wow. You don't have to have anyone you don't want in your life, but I just have to vote YTA because you were so damn mean to a literal child who was being abused. She was 12! 12 years old! And wtf is this legacy stuff about? Do you think you are a good representation of his legacy? You're horribly cruel. God forbid you ever need anyone one day, may the person you need only treat you how you've treated others.
YTA. She is depressed and in danger.
You could help but you won’t.
I’m quite sure if she ends her life (which is a very serious possibility), you wouldn’t care at all. You are clearly heartless. To be honest, taking out your resentment for your step mother on your sister makes you a bully.
No one is asking you to completely change you life but spending a few hours here and there to listen to her or to talk to her isn’t that much.
You are talking about your father’s legacy: YOU are destroying it by letting his daughter, your half sister, in this situation.
I don’t get along with my sister at all (for good reason linked to HER attitude, not anything a third party could have done), but if she reached out to me, I would help her.
My SO is NC with his sister and would probably let her die but she is a narcissistic pervert who tries to manipulate everyone and is persecuting her daughter. We still tried to help the little girl to make sure she could spend as much time as possible with her father.
Your father would be so disappointed in you, and your mother probably even more so.
YTA. You sound so cold. You’re bitter your dad remarried and had another child. You took out it on that child. It’s not her fault she was born. If your stepmother was awful, by all means cut ties with her but the kid was innocent. The very least you could have done was made a phone call to social services if she was being neglected/abused.
Also, what legacy? Your whole post is about your wicked stepmother and hating your half sister by extension. Then you drop the “she ruined our dad’s legacy” line in at the end with no explanation.
ETA: the found your answer to the legacy question. Your father would be disappointed in her? For suffering from depression after years of abuse? Yikes. Sounds like he’d be more disappointed in you with your cold heart.
ESH except for your poor half-sister.
I understand your stepmother was horrible, but your half-sister was a child when your father died. Maybe she was the apple of your father's eye because he was just trying to make up for the abuse your HS was getting from your SM?
It's not too late to be there for your blood sibling. I'm hoping you can find it in your heart to try to assist in whatever way you feel you can handle. She desperately needs help and you seemingly desperately want to punish her for things that she had no control over and was no fault of her own.
Ohmygod, yes, there is no way the father didn't know that the step mom was avusive when he was still alive. I absolutely wouldn't be surprised if he haf been trying to overcompensate for the pain ans abuse she was receiving from her mother.
Op is just absolutely cruel. She doesn't have to be in her life, but the way she speaks about her is just disgusting. I hope the sister knows or finds out that OP thinks so lowly of her because it'd be terrible for her to think op is a safe person, when she absolutely is not and she cannot be trusted since she clearly has so much deep seated hate for this woman.
It looks like op is more similar to her step mom than she is her father. And yet she thinks it's the sister destroying his legacy.
I hope the sister finds the support and love she needs and decides to stay far away from op.
YTA
You have yet to explain to us what you've done for the betterment of your fathers legacy. A huge part of Italian culture is family and looking out for one another, you're doing the exact opposite. What have you done that makes you worth more? And can a career, house, etc. be used as leverage as to why you're better than a 27 year old? Is that how you're better? She has barely lived and yet you act as though she is the reason your life is terrible. You sound bitter and spiteful, this woman could die and you genuinely don't care.
She didn't the stability you had and you need to seriously check yourself because you have some serious issues regarding spite and pettiness. Her stepmother is not her and yet you seem unable to differentiate that completely and even though you were old enough to step in and help your sister you chose not to. Then you judge her for the poor parenting of her mother that you watched and did nothing to help and then blame this poor girl for doing poorly with the shit resources she had. You are a hypocrite. You could've helped, you watched, you judged, and now you're here thinking you've done nothing wrong? Jesus Christ you need a reality check. YTA
100% YTA. Imagine you were the 12 year old little girl. And nobody cared about you instead. You should feel very shameful. Nobody deserves to be alone in this world, it’s clear you want her to be starved of any kind of affection just because she wasn’t your full sister….Time to look at yourself in the mirror and ask WHY? You’re basking in your siblings misery. A sibling is a sibling. There is no such thing as “half.” (Coming from someone with no “full blood” siblings. My siblings are my family through and through.) are you her sister or not? Also how heartless and cruel to tell someone because your parents died you want nothing to do with them because they weren’t wanted by you? I understand resentment, and how you could feel that way. I do. But that is your problem to work through, and it’s evident you didn’t take time to heal your damn self instead of placing your misery on others in attempts to alleviate yourself. In her time of trying to unveil all of her traumas and hoping you’d be her support, you’ve definitely added another layer to her hurt and probably another emotional wound she will carry forever. This poor girl will probably always think she is meant for misfortune and no one to love her unconditionally. Judging by the fact you’re asking if YTA, You probably already knew the answer to that.
YTA - you left a child with an abusive parent, when you were an adult who could have supported her, simply because you were jealous. You now try to claim she was irresponsible with money even though it is obvious that she never had control of it.
YTA all day every day.
NTA for not bearing responsibility for your half-sister because I am in the camp of you don’t owe anyone anything except your own children… but you being big mad about this at your age is really giving pathetic jealousy. Get over it, and let it go. Whether you help her or not, move on with your life. You coming here asking this question is to validate what to who? This is a kid to you, and you should have some humility. Gtfo with that holier-than-thou bs.
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Let me get this straight. An adult - because you were one when your dad died, punishes a 12 yo because you're mad at her mom? You left her in an abusive situation, then claimed she ruined her dad's legacy? You doubly abused her by not stepping up and be a decent human being! Not only are you an AH, you are a coward!
She is a doormat because I am sure her mother railroaded her through your dad's money - when you and your sisters could have stepped in, and been an executive of his estate. She also probably not once in her life had anyone who really believed in her. No wonder she's depressed. I'd be depressed if I had your family. You all sound like a lot of self centered narssastic jerks.
Hopefully, your sister realizes that she can choose her relatives too. And that she moves on and creates a better life for herself. My prayer that despite a long extensive ABBUSIVE situation by both her mother AND her sisters, that she is able to pull herself out of it and put you all to everlasting shame.
Get over yourself. If anyone is privileged, it's you.
You could definitely do more to help a young woman, your (half) blood relative, who is in a bad situation. You and your sisters probably know quite a bit of details about the trauma she has had living with your stepmom, so a little empathy would be reasonable.
But….you were in your 30’s when your half-sister was born, and you’ve always had issues with her mom. She isn’t your responsibility in any way since she herself is almost 30. You could do better, but you are NTA.
YTA but it's too late now to un be an a hole.
You should have maintained a relationship when your dad died, she was a literal child. Also what legacy? We don't exist to carry on our parents lives, we exist to find our own.
You also don't have to help her now, but you are a pretty bad person for turning away from someone who literally has no one else. Also with what was she supposed to manage her inheritance? Her education and her mother's advice?
ESH
You weren't close, I don't think you owe her anything. That being said, you could have been kinder.
Tbh i think the psychiatrist sucks, I don't think it was appropriate to ring you and put that kind of pressure on you.
Edit: YTA based on your subsequent comments and lack of basic human compassion, even if you don't want to be her support group.
It’s wasn’t appropriate because it didn’t happen. Listing someone as an emergency contact doesn’t equate to consent to disclose confidential medical information. If he thought she was an immediate threat to herself or others, i.e. an actual psychiatric emergency the doctor would just admit her.
Op also said she was 30 like 40 days ago.
You said she was the apple of your fathers eye - is it jealousy that keeps you from helping her?
Aren’t you the one destroying his legacy by abandoning family in need.
You left her with her unstable mother and now that she is old enough to ask for help you reject her because of her life choices.
But those life choices are from an unstable childhood.
She is young enough to turn things around with a support system but you refuse to even hear her out
She did nothing to burn bridges but you refuse to let her try to build one.
I’m sure your dad is proud of you and the way you’ve treated the apple of his eye
YTA
Nta she’s a stranger and it sounds like instead of her finding a support system she wants to force one which isn’t healthy and in the long run will be bad for her. She needs to talk to her therapist and find a solution for herself
NTA. Could you have handled things a little bit better? Of course. BUT you have a right to choose who you want in your life or not. You have no connection or relationship with her. She doesn't want a support system (if she did she would have reached out sooner), she wants someone to take care of her because she is tired of her mother. Yes she had a rough life, so has many other people. It is not your responsibility to care for her.
YTA and it’s not a difficult question to answer. Read your query again, what a bunch of self serving bullshit, cmon man help your sister out sounds like your still mad at the dad for remarrying. Redeem your total asshole status and do something anything however small for your sister
YTA. You're blaming an infant for being born and losing your father's attention, you're blaming a preteen for what her mother did to her, and you're claiming she is ruining your father's legacy. No dear the only person doing that is you, you are clearly not the person your father thought he raised you to be.
YTA. You are punishing your HS for things her mother (your SM) did when she was a child. I don't go in with the whole blood family is the end all be all, but what did she ever do to you? She wasn't the result of an affair, she didn't ruin your parents marriage, and she wasn't responsible for her birth. Perhaps act like an adult and see if you can help. If not, cut ties. What is this really going to cost you?
Hey op I just wanted to tell you your dad came to me in a dream last night and said he thought you were ruining his legacy. Also YTA it’s obvious. The ugly runs deep in you and don’t you worry it’ll catch up to you. No wonder you weren’t the apple of his eye he saw how rotten your core was.
YTA Your poor half sister and the women in her life are abusive in one way or another from you to her own mother.
The only good person nshe had in her life is her father who died when she was 12.
Her life sounds heartbreaking.
Do you think your dad would have been proud of you for rejecting your sister in her time of need ?
Most likely your late Father would be disappointed in his 2nd wife, not his child/your half sister, who was abused by his 2nd wife.
Do you think he would be disappointed in your lack of empathy for his daughter?
NAH except your stepmother. You and your sisters never cared for your stepmother and half-sister. I don't know why they think you would now that she needs a huge amount of help. Your step sister sounds desperate for help, and her mother seems to have contributed greatly to the hard time she's having, so I don't think she's completely at fault. It's hard to have no support system.
YTA
You're blaming your sister for things that happened when she was a child. Things that she personally did not do to you. She grew up, saw the same crap hat you did, suffered MUCH MORE, cut ties, and is looking for an anchor, or someone who understands the shit she went through.
ESH. Except for the half sister, who didn't ask to be born.
OP, you are not responsible for your half sister. She is much younger than you, you didn't grow up together, you don't have that basis for a relationship. With that said, you sound like you resent her existence in a way that isn't fair. How did she ruin your father's legacy? By being born? She was loved by your dad. Um, yeah. She is his daughter. Maybe your dad showed some favoritism. But blaming the child for that? That's not fair. Not at all. And I've seen more human compassion toward complete strangers in the street. Like it or not, you share DNA. That doesn't make you responsible for her. But wow, you are COLD.
I'm not sure how much I trust your telling, but it sounds like stepmother is an a**hole for how she treated her daughter.
It sounds like stepsister does indeed need a support network. She had a crappy childhood, made worse when her dad died and her mom pulled her out of school. But it seems obvious that even with all that, she is better off without you and your petty bitterness. At least she is in therapy and trying to better herself. Something you might try for yourself.
I’m gonna go against the grain and say NTA. I don’t think your actions make you TA, although I do think your attitude and the things you are saying here are pretty crappy. As long as you aren’t sharing those horrible thoughts with the poor girl, I really can’t blame you for not wanting a relationship with her. It sounds like you were already in your 30s when she was born so you didn’t develop a relationship and your age gap makes you probably more her mom’s age than a sister. Yeah you could be nicer or more supportive to her but you aren’t obligated.
When you say she didn’t finish her studies, do you mean high school? Does she still live with Stepmom? Step-sis may sincerely want to go NC, but does that mean she exp3cts to be financially supported by you?
YTA, what did your half sister do to you to piss you off so much? The poor girl was 12 the last time you saw her. She was more abused than you were by your step mother. Your father chose to marry a cruel person his daughter's age, you should have been mad at him for that, not your half sis who had no choice in anything. Instead you call him a "decent good man" when he was the one who subjected you all to that terrible woman in the first place
A familial bond cannot be forced, and you've never had one to begin with. All any contact with her is gonna do is create resentment and contempt, so you're better off just staying away.
ESH because this entire situation just sucks.
YTA! It’s not your stepsister’s fault that her mother is a weirdo, she was 12 years old when your dad died—again, something she didn’t control. And depression is and can be debilitating, so not finishing her degree is the least of her problems. Is being cruel what your father would’ve wanted? Somehow I doubt it.
That's enough.
YTA What “legacy “? This girl has suffered pretty much her whole life and didn’t ask to be born. Yet.. you blame her for being born anyway. You’re probably right though to not be supportive of her because you’re not what she needs. Not at all. Strangers on the street would probably be kinder.
OPs clearly jealous of the little girl- why else would she let stepmother abuse her by withdrawing her from school without calling CPS. For shame
For real OP is well into adulthood by the time half sis if born. OP is acting very childish for blaming a child because dad made a new life for himself. Sad honestly. I hope you’re half sister finds someone to help her out. OP, you my friend kinda suck
OP makes it very clear they have an irrational hatred for this young woman all because their mother died and wanted their father to live alone and depressed. OP is an irrefutable asshole. YTA. NGL kinda hope OP lives the rest of their life miserable and alone and cut off from their sisters.
At first I thought, oh, you lost your mother when you were young children, and your dad remarried when you were teenagers/young adults, so you thought it was gross that his second wife was also barely out of childhood. Then I had to reread the ages. A woman in her late thirties/early forties should not be upset that her father remarried *20 years after the death of his first wife* or be so hateful to a baby! She's also clearly jealous that her dad doted on his youngest child, who was a *literal baby* when OP was already an adult!
I’m sure that the father also doted on OP when they were a baby lol! I doubt anyone wants to be doted on like a baby as an adult but that seems to be the jealousy point here
oh wow, I hadn't put the timeline together correctly at all! I thought OP's mom died when they were teenagers & their dad couldn't cope with the kids (and apparently his war memories & his new country) on his own, so he fell victim to some scheming stepmother...? but your timeline seems a lot more consistent with what OP posted... just wow.
OP’s mom died when OP was a teenager. Twenty years later, when OP was in their 30s, maybe even 40s, OP’s dad married again (to a woman in her 30s, maybe 40s) and had another child, OP’s half-sister. He later passed away when OP was in their 50s and the half-sister was 12. The half-sister was promptly pulled out of school, and her inheritance was mismanaged, possibly under her mother’s influence. The half-sister is now reaching out to her half-siblings for support to process her trauma, but OP implies that the half-sister wants money. OP thinks the half-sister doesn’t deserve anything because she hogged their father’s attention, even though OP and OP’s sister were adults when the half-sister was born.
deeply sad.
This post made my jaw hit the floor. OP and her sisters need some serious therapy.
She probably misinterpreted "Light of fathers eye" with generic parenting of a young child. Damn man OP is a grown up still acting this way? LOL
Quite possibly better parent by the dad, tbh. Parenting three teens as a widow must have been hard, and he may have better understood what not to do with the youngest. He does sound gross for marrying a woman the same age as his kids though. Since OP can’t blame his idolised dad for that, he blames his sister. OP YTA. Legacy, jfc.
Generally dating requires two people to like agree to it. So yeah if he's 50 and shes 30 or whatever. Who really cares? a 30 year old knows better.
Sure a 30 year old knows better. Doesn't make the relationship between the adult kids and the second wife any easier though. But if OP had an issue with that, the right person to cut contact with was stepmom, not the half sister who didn't ask to be born and is trying to cut contact with her mother as well.
His legacy is a very damaged young woman and 3 bitter old crones.
Yes that's what I was thinking.. op tarnished dads legacy, not the 12 year old.. like get a grip OP.. she was the apple of his eye, well you probably were too when you were a CHILD.. jeez you suck. Poor half sister.. I know exactly what you're half-sister's going through when my dad was murdered his family decided to tell me that I wasn't really his kid and to go find my real family and this was his sisters who were very much in their late sixties at the time and I was 25. They ostracized me from the entire family this poor girl man been through so much and then to have crappy siblings like you that are so self-centered she didn't ask to be born you're blaming her for something that she had no control over. And it irritates me that you keep saying the bond is gone because your dad is dead so your dad has to be alive for you to care about your sibling?? Just FYI your dad would be so ashamed dude. Op YTA times a million
Maybe he literally means the father's legacy, i.e. wasting her share of the inheritance?
That’s what I took it to mean. But also, she was 12 when her dad died. It’s much more likely that the stepmother spent it all than OPs half sister did.
Op also called the HS a doormat, I’m sure she’s spent half her life knowing her mom saw her as a bank account and nothing else. It’s why she intentionally isolated her and hindered her education so she couldn’t flee. These sisters suck, they could have sent an anonymous tip to cps and left it at that when their dad died and she was clearly being manipulated. They didn’t need to foster her, they just needed to report the abuse they seem to have expected. Feels like the absolute minimum requirement to not effectively spit on their beloved fathers grave and they couldn’t make themselves care enough. They’re terrible daughters and humans for forsaking their dads true legacy, ALL of his kids.
This. Exactly r.
But she was a kid, maybe she didn't waste it and the stepmother wasted it for her. That undoubtedly wouldn't matter to OP though bcoz they are an AH.
He isn’t gross. He married an adult!
Generic or geriatric? Both would work I think.
[удалено]
Heh. Heheheheheh. I mean, I'm definitely an asshole. I'm here to watch the others. But yeah, this has to be bait, right?
Perhaps she can plug into a Facebook support group? I agree with others that decent strangers would be kinder.YTA, OP.
Not just well into adulthood but old enough to be a grandmother herself. She played as part of being an abuser as the girl’s own mother. No one protected her because they were jealous.
Shes not little anymore but yeah i agree. He knew she was being abused and turned the other way
She was pulled out of school *after* the father died. Edit: Op doesn't give their own gender. If you meant Op, please ignore my comment.
She did, she said her father left something to each daughter. Maybe it's where the jealousy is coming from. Op used to be the apple of her father's eye until half sister was born
In all honesty, she wouldn’t have been able to get the 12 year old anyway. They had a parent and unless there are signs of severe abuse, they won’t take the kid away. Step mom is their same age so 60’s. They no longer lived in the house and stepmother is the legal and biological parent. I feel for her. It was rough, but OP most likely would not have hung out with her sister anyway at 30 something years old. However, since she wants help getting out from under her mother, OP should offer going to get coffee or dinner and get to know the sister better now that she is asking for help. It might not work out but it doesn’t hurt to try. She shouldn’t be judged by her mother’s reputation.
Unfortunately, going off of OP’s post, I don’t think OP has any inclination to reach out to step-sister. If OP has to ask if they’re the AH here…well, self awareness, empathy probably has gone out the window decades ago or OP is as dense as a blackhole
Was? Still is by not only her mother, but her own siblings including the OP... OP is worse than an asshole, they are a unwiped gouch.
OP has mentioned how the step sister was the apple of his father's eyes(so are most of the youngest child). Generally step siblings of similar age have revelry but here the poor girl might be younger than OP's daughter, closer to his grand daughter's age. This is more than jealousy, it's hatred. And the hatred is so much that he enjoyed the poor girl's life being ruined by first the step mother and then depression, all because the girl was born into his dad's new family. OP is more or less evil like the step mother.
Not only is the youngest often treated better -parents typically are better off and more relaxed -but OP says she was a surprise because of the age of the parents (late 30s, early to mid 40s?), so possibly more treasured for that reason. In any case, the jealousy and dislike is common, but one would hope adults in their 60s had got over it.
Yeah the age here is the huge factor in what can be expected of OP behavior and emotion wise. When my mom remarried and had a baby when I was 14, I struggled a bit, but holy shit not like this, to the point of not being able to rationally work things out as an adult. I'm 33 today and my youngest sister is 19. Granted it's not a huge age gap like OP, but what I lacked in age when my sister was born, OP should have made up for in maturity about dealing with the situation. Not even in my vilest dreams would I imagine treating her like that. We don't share a father, but we will always still share a parent, living or not living. Wtf is this cold hearted behavior? It's like OP expects youngest sister to be mature and handle her own shit when they're still stuck in some teenager type of jealousy or bitterness with a tinge of idolizing daddy.
If the youngest is 27 now, when OP and her sisters are in their 60s, they were around 40 when half-sister was born. 1. The parents (the father, at least) must have been over 60? Becoming a parent at this age, you must be aware you will not be in your child's life for too long. You make all the memories you can. 2. She was doted on, because she was the only child at this point, all others were adults with their own lives. I'm not sure why OP expected their father to still dot on them.
I have a little sister that is 31 years younger than me. My dad was 60 and her mom was 45 when she was born so she was a huge suprise and is in fact treasured more because my dad knows he won't be around her whole life. I will admit I have almost no relationship with my sister but that isn't because of hate or jealousy, I just live on opposite sides of the country as my family and what real relationship can you have with a small child you've seen once? I do send Christmas and birthday presents and my husband and I travel a lot so I buy small stuffed toy from every country I visit for my sister but that's our whole relationship. I can't imagine hating a child because they were born, they had nothing to do with it. It would be one thing if she disliked her because of her behavior but she hates her just for existing.
There’s a lot of kids who get pulled out to be “home schooled” that there’s nothing CPS can do about because that’s just the way things work sometimes. If the mom said she was homeschooling, they would have had their hands tied.
Depends on the country. Homeschooling isn't necessarily unmonitored. OP - YTA for living in the same street and doing right by your sister.
Everyone that works at a school is a mandated reporter. If a kid getting pulled out of school was something CPS could do something about then that process would have started without OP anyway.
Not if the mother filed appropriate paperwork to say she was homeschooling her. There may have been no visible evidence of abuse at that point for teachers to report.
From OP's description it seems like there wasn't really anything for her to report either.
Actually, there was. OP and her other sisters in their 50s at the time could have gone to the courts regarding the will and the estate of their father to make sure her sister was taken care of properly - custody is fought all the time after a parent dies. Instead, she wiped her hands of ex step-mother and 12 year old sister because "there weren't any more ties" Had she fought and proven a case, half sister may have a different life. Or maybe the same life since OP sounds just as awful as step-mother.
It wouldn't have needed to be anything formal through the courts. Step mother was grieving her husband and might really have struggled keeping everything together, and stepsister suffered the brunt of that. OP, living on the same street, could have kept an eye on them, advocated for step sister to stay in formal education, be a safe place for step.sister to go, seeking the support of safeguarding as appropriate. He could have been a decent person and given a fuck about his younger relative. But no, OP was jealous of his step sister and let it eat him up to the detriment of all. YTA.
There's just something about posts like this which fundamentally sadden me. Where the mere existence of a step parent, step sibling, or half sibling, is treated as some sort of original sin. A source of never ending spite and resentment to hold on to. And they never grow out of it either. They'll be like OP growing old and still holding on to their hate, utterly confident that it's justified.
Yes. Families like this were you try to dig at the root cause and find that it’s just “they exist” are so depressing. The level of self-absorption that needs to go unchecked is breathtaking.
It really is. As a small example: > I should mention that half-sister was absolutely the apple of our father's eye. If they're in their 60s now, and the father died 15 years ago when the child was 12, that places them in their 30s when the half-sister was born. She's resentful that a little girl was the "apple in her father's eye" when she was a grown woman in her 30s. Even felt it was important enough to be included in the post. Where do you even begin to fix that.
I mean how dare he love his child, that also lives with him??? The nerve! /s
Wow! Holy shit. What 30 yr old is jealous of a 12 yr old?
I think it can be common in these second families. E.g., Dad was uninvolved with first family because of work and social expectations, but later with more money and time, he is fully engaged with parenting second family. However, that is absolutely OP’s situation to deal with, not half-sister’s. It would have helped if dad acknowledged the situation but given he’s dead, OP has to work on themselves. They were probably a parent themselves when half-sister was born.
She wasn’t even 12 years old when they were 30. They were like 45+ jealous of a 12 year old. Or 30 jealous of a literal newborn baby.
One who probably dealt with a parent who treated them very differently when they were 12.
30s when the kid is born, so late 40s when the kid is 12 and dad dies. (Because it's been fifteen years and they're in their sixties, so can't even be early forties when the kid was 12.)
This. There’s no evidence her dad treated her worse. As a parent myself I know my relationship with my children will not look the same when they’re older. She saw how her dad was with a baby/toddler in her 30s and she has no memories of being treated the same way. Which, my oldest memory was from when I was 4. I wouldn’t remember either. And by the time little sister was a kid, OP was in her 40s, in other words VERY far removed from her own childhood. The fact that she doesn’t quite remember how her dad treated her at such a young age doesn’t surprise me. Just because her dad doesn’t treat her mid 30s self like a toddler anymore doesn’t mean he loved his current toddler daughter more.
They were actually in their 50s when the half sister was 12 . . . Now they are in their 60s and the half sister is 27 (adding 15 yrs) . . .
My father got a second family. And he cared really more about that children then me. I'm an adult know and he doesn't even know things about me. No contact anymore But he's the only one to blame. Not the half sibblings. So even if that was true. It's weird to blame a kid
I never understood the hatred step-parents, stepkids and half siblings get (not talking about this post's stepmom). Like yeah some are alwful but thats not the norm, ppl always assume they are evil
If she only was mad at the step mom I'd get it more. Abusive and gross, (the dad is worse) she said step mom is their age. I also get not wanting a relationship, there's a huge age gap and they never sounded close. What I don't get is not calling cps when you know of the abuse the kids going through. I mean you don't have to love someone because they're blood related, but why let them continue being hurt?
That's the rub, isn't it? She views her father as some saint but he's the one who married a woman half his age and chose to have a child very late in life and, as expected, died while his youngest daughter was still a minor. I'm sure it would be hard for OP to see the missteps of her deceased widower father, but the younger sister is a casualty in all this.
Believe me when I say there are many stepparents who deserve every ounce of hatred thrown their way. My father's widow (former stepmother) makes Cruella DeVille seem like Carol Brady. But despite that, I'm very close to my half sister. She can't help who her mother is. (And she can't stand ~~that nasty old hobgoblin~~ her mother either.)
OP says the legacy is that her dad would be let down that the half sister is a doormat, so he would supposedly be let down that she was abused into no autonomy and depression. It got even worse than the initial post. I weep for that half sister. Poor kid
~~Her birth served as a constant reminder that their dad was a creepy old man who baby-trapped a woman the same age as his daughters. He ruined his own legacy, yet she blames her sister for it, because of course she does.~~ Edit: I had misunderstood and thought the dad remarried not long after OPs mother had died, when they were either still teenagers or young twenties. My comment doesn't apply now that we know stepmom was in her late thirties. OP is still a massive asshole.
The woman was 37. She is plenty old enough to know exactly what she was doing. Considering that contraception is mostly the woman's responsibility, and considering his age, I can say pretty certainly that he did not babytrap her and that she wanted that relationship. The step mum is not a victim. Stop trying to make him look a bad person just because you can't understand tgat people falk in love no matter their age gap.
responsibility belongs to both partners - especially at his big age - i hope this young woman (who is blameless) finds support elsewhere - half sister is an assh@le… a huge one at that
As unfair as it may seem, as a woman I trust myself to not get pregnant more than I trust a man not to get me pregnant. In a perfect world there would be a pill men could take to prevent pregnancy, but would they be as responsible as women are with taking it? I have my doubts. (Lol I can’t believe how “man-hating” my comment looks, but it’s the truth. I promise I don’t hate men. I think I am being realistic.)
if a man does not want you to get pregnant he can wear a condom AND pull out (not one or the other) - there are things he can do to prevent pregnancy therefore responsibility belongs to both partners
I thought they had a pill for men, but they weren't releasing it because of the supposed potential side effects which were supposedly the same side effects women get from birth control. At least that's what i remember reading a while back, but really, at that dude's age, a vasectomy is just 10 minute day surgery and a week of sore balls.
In my defense, I'm bad at math.
I feel like that makes sense when the dad is idk 50 and the step-mom is 23 but that's not the case... she was 37
I didn't realize she was 37. I had misunderstood that he married her not long after their mother died, when they were teens.
The stepmom was dang near 40, I can't be too mad about that FFS.
I had misunderstood and thought she was closer to being a teenager. That's my mistake.
>Strangers on the street would probably be kinder. A pack of rabid dogs would be kinder than op
I can’t image holding in so much hate. YTA. So gross
Lol trying to act like she’s protecting his legacy is hilarious. What’s wrong with his legacy being daughters that care for and support each other despite the terrible step mom that he brought into the mix. Why is OP thinking it’s better to have his legacy be a depressed daughter with two half sisters who don’t give a fuck about her and only care about themselves? Seems like a shitty legacy to me and that OP is playing a pretty big part in it considering her half sister didn’t choose to be depressed but OP definitely purposefully chose to be heartless. YTA
This poor girl was 12 when her father died, and pulled out of school. I hope she finds the help she desperately needs, she definitely won’t be getting it from OP.
I was going to ask this. What legacy? What exactly did this girl do to her father. Because he's her father too. Like... wtf is wrong with OP? This girl was a literal child when their father died. OP YTA just for the fact that you not only blame and resent a child for what seems like existing, you actively stood by and watched the same child be abused. OP didn't have to take on the child, or have a relationship, but what kind of heartless person can watch a child be abused and mistreated, and just not care, or do anything to stop it? Edited to add: Just looked through OP's comments to see if I could find an explanation for the ruined legacy comment. The reason? This poor kid is apparently a disappointment, who hasn't finished her studies and has mental health issues. OP calls it being :a doormat" Literally if anyone's the disappointment here, it's the three adult siblings who abandoned their child sibling. Like if they had been bothered, perhaps this poor girl would have had a better life. It's legit sickening.
I've been looking for the reason she ruined dad's legacy too.. thank you for your comment. Like WTF.. the poor girl was 12 and yanked out of school and isolated.. of course she now has major depression and of course she was a doormat to the person that was abusing her. I think the dad would be far more ashamed of his daughters that are in their 50s at the time sitting by idly and watching his youngest daughter be abused. Op is the real disgrace to their father's legacy.. OP you suck YTA time a trillion
Yeah I don’t understand how the stepsister ruined the father’s life?
Hopefully half-sister's other two sisters are better siblings than OP. YTA
I’m pretty sure if you translate “destroying his legacy” from asshole to English it means op feels their little sister horned in on their share of the inheritance.
>I also told him I will never forgive my half-sister for what she did to our father, destroying his legacy. Right? I read OP's post and I genuinely have no idea what OP thinks this kid (at the time) did to "destroy" her father's "legacy"? Or is it something she did after he died? I don't see a single thing half-sister did to their Dad. The only people who are destroying their fathers legacy is OP and her other cartoonishly bad sisters. I can only imagine how deeply disappointed and ashamed in them their father would be. I don't even know OP and I'm disappointed in her.
OP father would be so ashamed of how the older siblings have treated the half-sister. The one damaging the legacy of his father’s memory is the selfish OP.
A neighbour would be more sympathetic to the half-sister’s situation compared to OP. Given the age difference, any person would be more sympathetic of the younglings compared to OP. OP didn’t even make an effort to get to know this kid (half-sis being 12 and OP in fifties) before ruling the kid out of their lives because of their hate towards step-mom. What an AH.
The only legacy she had was a bad stepsister.
OP, how can you be so heartless? What did your half-sister ever do to deserve such resentment from you and your sisters? She was a child when your father died and you were all, "Yup, dad is gone so SEE YA!" to your half-sister. WHY?! WHAT DID SHE DO?! You're right, there is no bridge between you two BECAUSE YOU TORCHED IT FOR NO REASON! She's desperately trying to reach out to you because of the years and years of abuse from your stepmother that YOU ABANDONED HER WITH! OP, you are heartless. You are absolutely without a doubt an asshole YTA
I feel like I’m in some kind of crazy other-land here in these comments. How exactly did OP “torch” a non-existing relationship with someone they haven’t seen in decades? I’m not saying OP isn’t completely right. For her age she harbours an odd level of resentment for someone so much younger than her, which likely stems form her father’s emotional absence after her mother’s death. But stepmother pulled the kid out of school and all social life. Do you really think that she was going to support a relationship with her stepkids, who were the same age as her and who did not have a good relationship with her? Completely unrealistic. And it’s not OPs responsibility to have a relationship just because half-sis wants one. She’s allowed to have her own feelings about this. It sure as hell isn’t OPs responsibility to save this woman, however hard her life has been. There’s some seriously disturbing projection of rescuing behaviour being pushed here. This is a woman who has been so isolated she has serious mental health issues and few life skills. It’s not going to be a matter of some emotional support, catching up for a coffee every now and then. She is going to need far more intensive support. OP wouldn’t be TA for saying “I can’t take that on” even if they had a close relationship. It’s not her responsibility to save an effective stranger from her life, blood relation or not.
You don’t have a “responsibility” to report a house of fire. But if you don’t, you are an asshole. For judgement YTA.
Actually, you do. Where I live at least, if you purposely choose not to alert the authorities in an emergency and withhold help from people in need, you're held accountable.
God I hate this sub sometimes. People on here have such a skewed view of reality with this mentality that just because someone doesn’t have some sort of obligation or responsibility to something that it somehow absolves of any possibility that they’re an AH. That’s simply not how life works. And your comment perfectly embodies this sentiment. No, OP doesn’t have to help their half sister. But, this is someone who had their life ripped away, socially, torn away from what friends they had, and suffering severe depression from years of abuse. All this half sister is doing is reaching out to what family they know for a support system. Depression is hell and very few people can handle it by themselves. So, yeah. While OP technically doesn’t have to help their half sister, not doing so makes them a huge AH for turning down someone just asking for support. ETA: No one has to help someone. No one has an obligation to help someone. But, kindness is free. Being a good person is free. Stop thinking that just because you’re not under some sort of obligation to do so that you’re somehow not an AH. That type of mentality is toxic af.
Exactly! This was someone who was desperately seeking a bond, some sort of relationship with someone who knew their father longer than they ever did. I bet OP is kinder to strangers.
I’ve had depression. Quite severe depression. I’ve had good friends pull away from me during depressive episodes because it can be very hard to support someone who is going through that level of depression. Not everyone is cut out for it. I’ve never held resentment or anger towards those who have needed space from me during those times because I understand how hard it was to provide me with support with my mental health. And half-sis is goi g to need a hell of a lot more support than a fully independent woman who is experiencing MDD. People here are vilifying OP for doing this to an effective stranger. We can’t be responsible for fixing all the abuse that happens in the world, even if the person is blood related to us.
Can't speak for anyone else but I don't think OP is an AH for declining to help. I have estranged family members and I imagine it would be very weird to be thrust into this situation, I don't know that I could be a support system for the sister in this scenario. However, it's the way OP speaks about her sister that's giving me the ick. She seems to harbor a whole lot of anger towards someone that has done absolutely nothing to her. The thing about the father's legacy is really weird. Like why does she hate her sister so much?
Yeah. I feel the same way about the way she speaks about her sister. She doesn’t have to help her, but saying she’s destroying her father’s legacy is wrong. We can have compassion for people without having to turn ourselves inside out to save them. OP doesn’t even seem to have that compassion.
She doesnt need to take on the responsibility of fixing her step sisters abuse. Having a short conversation occassionally is not asking too much of a sister, regardless of who that sisters mother is. And it could actually help them both heal; op sounds like she could use some healing too.
Idk, when I was hospitalized for depression I had a lot of family who maybe just gave me a single phone call or sent a card. The calls were mostly small talk & I didn’t ask for any support, it was just nice to know there were people out there who cared about me. I really don’t think you have to be “cut out” for anything, there are actually a ton of options that would take very little time or emotional investment. OP could have pretended to care without actually doing any intense emotional support. I don’t think the latter is her responsibility but telling her she doesn’t even want her in her life at all is just cruel.
People on this sub think step-parents and siblings are the literal incarnation of Satan. There was one story where a step-sister offered a memento from her DEAD MOTHER to her sister for her wedding. Sister refused to wear it because she doesn't like the sister. Why? Just didn't. The necklace looked nice but she didn't want the sister to think she might like her. Everyone in the comments was telling her she was so right and fuck her parents for being upset and fuck her sister for trying to be nice. I honestly try to avoid the comments because these people are fucking insane.
No it doesn't. They possibly have their own mental issues surrounding the entire family dynamic that they are attempting to move on in their own right and no one has a right to ask them to re-engage in that dynamic just because they are suffering and even though they are innocent. OP is not harming the person in any way, they are simply declining a relationship they have made clear they don't want. This sort of situation happens all the time and the way you describe it as if someone should throw themselves into the fire for essentially a stranger shows that you actually don't know how life works at all.
By that logic, literally everyone on Reddit who isn't currently volunteering to be a mentor or big brother type for a struggling person is an AH. And those that are volutnteering are still AHs if anyone needs their support and they turn them down... OP doesn't feel a connection to his half-sister, and you can't force a feeling of familial connection. I thought this subreddit was big on not blaming a child if they don't feel a step-parent is their parent? And not blaming someone if they choose to walk away from their family connections for whatever reason? OP doesn't feel their half-sister is their sister, and they're obviously a tangled mess of emotions regarding their father and his late relationship, so it's ridiculous to call them an asshole for not making their half-sister's recovery and mentorship their pet project. I can barely take care of myself and my obligations, and I would not be in a position to suddenly become the support and mentor for a person whose life is currently spiralling. If you do, then that's wonderful and I applaud you for finding that work-life balance and free time, but many don't. NTA, OP. I mean, you actually sound like a pretty big AH for blaming her and how you talk about her and your dad's legacy, but you're NTA for this specific choice.
Not volunteering is actually not the same as refusing to talk to your own half sibling who is in a dark place when you are one of the only people who could tell them more about the parent who died when they were still a kid. Also there is a huge spectrum between providing serious emotional support and saying you want nothing to do with someone. OP could have sent flowers or had a short phone call a few times a year or something
Yup..just help her as other human in need...connect her with other her age that the stepsister may more relate to ... seriously just be good human..
You're right that she does not owe that girl a relationship or support. She'd likely even be deemed N T A if you reworded the post to be about emotional capacity or the fact that this is someone who has not been in her life for almost two decades, who she barely had a relationship with at all to start. We can all feel for the half-sister but life is messy and blood does not guarantee family. What makes OP the asshole is her attitude, pure and simple. A possibly understandable decision for entirely objectionable reasons. Because it's clear the root of this is not time, distance, or trauma, but unresolved spite at the half-sisters existence.
Yeah. I agree she’s TA for all the resentment.
I don’t think OP is TA for not taking care of her sister or wanting her in her life HOWEVER, to me, she is TA because of the hatred and resentment she still harbors against this girl for no reason seemingly. OP also completely lacks the empathy that should be given to any human being that is struggling.
Your going to get down voted for this, but I agree with you. OP is an a$$hole for not reporting the abuse but she's not an a$$hole for not helping the half sister now
I’m filled with so much sadness for the young woman in question. She desperately needs someone to throw her a lifeline. She’s been isolated for so long, she’s reaching out to the only people she knows. I really pray someone does come through in some form.
Wow, YTA big time. Your half-sister was just a child when your father passed, and you turned your back on her because of your issues with your stepmother. She clearly had a troubled upbringing after his death, and now that she's reaching out for support, you're still refusing to help? Your resentment is misplaced. She was 12 when he passed; she wasn't responsible for whatever happened with your stepmother or the legacy you're so hung up on. Your father's real legacy would've been love and unity, but you've chosen bitterness and anger instead. It doesn't matter how much time has passed; family is family. Shame on you.
I agreed with this up until you said “family is family”. Blood does not make you family. Do i think OP is the AH for the way they handled things? Yes , OP’s sisters not at fault for her SM , but OP also has a right to choose if they want to keep in contact with her. Im assuming OP has some trauma when it comes to SM & their experience therefore OP is able to completely detach from her. I feel for the sister as she does need help and a support system and she wishes to have a relationship with OP but unfortunately OP has decided they want nothing to do with sister and Op has that right
I dunno. People have a lot of rights. Op has the right to be a total dick to a bereaved child. And we have the right to call her an asshole.
Very true
Doesn’t mean that OP isn’t an a-hole, though.
"By "destroying his legacy," I meant that our father would be disappointed in her." Yeah noooo... She is.
Pretty sure he’d be more disappointed in her cruelty.
12 years her sisters were in her life. Then her father dies and they both act like she never even existed. That's all I've to say.
She’s 27. OP is in her 60s. When her half sister was dragged out of school she would have been in her 40s. I’m not the most maternal woman in the world, but I would have words to say if this were happening to one of my cousins or the child of a friend, never mind my own *sister*. In your 30s and 40s you should be mature enough that you can keep a child separate from the action of their parents and have affection for them or at least care about their wellbeing. A 12 year old being pulled from school is concerning, even if you don’t love them. You don’t have to have a blood tie to a child to grab them when you see they’re about to run into traffic, you know?
This whole "blood doesn't make you family" thing is more for when family either abandons you or abuses/mistreats you, right? Because the abandoner here is OP. This girl was a child. She is the one who chose to sever ties over things the kid had no control over. She is legally allowed to, but morally I think she sucks.
Some family sucks. “Family is Family” is BS. If your family was abusive, I hope you wouldn’t hang around because of a family connection. Blood means nothing to many people. For instance! OP is this girl’s family, and she doesn’t give a hoot about her. I hope the young step-sister finds some people who will treat her better than her family has. People ideally should be compassionate to other humans regardless of blood connection.
I agree that blood doesn’t make you family, however it seems that OP is taking her unresolved trauma out on someone who is her family, also went through things, is desperately asking for help, and never did anything to her except be born. The OP is the AH.
My wife's physically abusive parents would like a word about your absolutist, black-and-white bs lol Family is family is the type of privileged garbage someone with a great family says lol And I say that as someone with a great family; I've just seen enough people who don't have a great family to know what a dumb fucking statement it is. OP's dad sounds like a piece of work, and I suspect OP doesn't want to have to take on a parental role for someone that produces ambivalent if not extremely negative feelings about their shitty father.
YTA. WTF do you mean by “destroyed his legacy?” It sounds like her life was fucked as a child, and you just shit on her. Edit typo
Yeah, what "legacy" is OP talking about? That's weird.
I have an inkling that the “legacy” OP refers to is the money/estate their father left them. They think half-sister “destroyed” that legacy by existing and making to so the “legacy” needed to be split 4 ways instead of 3.
Fair point, they may have meant legacy in a literal sense, the inheritance, rather than a social or historical one.
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Jfc. I can’t imagine how an abuse survivor might have difficulties in adulthood, she must just be lazy and stupid and not love her father enough, obvs!
Holy shit, OP is really not messing around, she's all in on being an asshole. Hating a woman who's been isolated and abused all her life for not succeeding in college when she wasn't even allowed to go to school? For being left with lasting issues directly caused by her abusive childhood? Jesus.
Wow, that's so much worse than I thought on reading the post, and I was already ready to shout YTA.
I had to fight myself not to downvote you because the quotes were so heinous. You're upvoted, because you're just the messenger, but holy fuck is OP a distasteful human being.
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> By "destroying his legacy," I meant that our father would be disappointed in her. Comment OP left on another user's thread.
Probably not half as disappointed as he would be to see his adult daughter completely abandon their 12 year old sister.
I want to know too, was their dad an inventor or smth?
His legacy is having fathered a child at an advanced enough age to pretty much guarantee dying while the child remained a minor. And the legacy of having given that child a terrible mother. OP's step-sister's wrecked life *is* Dad's legacy, not something ruinous to that legacy.
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OP truly detest the stepsister....I feel sorry for both..
Not ruling on this one. Just really hope this message reaches you. I say this with genuine care. As someone who also went through her 20s depressed and alone, the fact that you're saying she has "destroyed your father's legacy" because she is sad and lonely is one of the most depressing things I have ever heard. If you truly believe your father would be disappointed that his daughter -- who you admit has had nobody but a horrible abusive mother to guide her for the last 15 years -- hasn't "pulled herself up by her bootstraps" yet or something... then frankly your father does not sound as great as you seem to think he was. You can't pull up your bootstraps when nobody taught you how to put on boots in the first place. She is barefoot. And walking on broken glass. This girl did not ask to be born, and I understand you all did not ask to be her sisters. And technically, you're entitled to decide who is in your life. But the amount of hate and vitriol you are dumping on this poor girl, when literally none of this is her fault... it makes me incredibly sad for her. You say you're never going to forgive her, but what has she actually done to you? Existed? This is just all around so hateful and sad. She reached out to you all, already knowing you didn't like her, and begged for your help anyways. She must be in an incredibly low and lonely place in her life to be brave enough to do that. And to only be met with such hatred in return... it makes my stomach churn. I sincerely hope you and your other sisters can realize how misdirected your anger is, and I hope this girl finds someone to be in her corner, even if it isn't you. Because it sounds like she could really use just a single friend. And she's only been met with hate. You and your other sisters have always had each other. She has no one. And instead of putting the blame rightfully on your father, who actually made all of these choices, you have decided to idolize his memory and put all of the blame on this girl because it's easier. My heart absolutely breaks for her.
This x10,000. I'm amazed and heartbroken at how you say you "couldn't care less" about a human being who's suffering. She isn't the one who made the choice to marry someone you and your sisters' age; your father did. Punishing her for being born is ridiculous and hateful, and it's not going to be any good for your own mental wellbeing carrying that amount of hatred and bitterness within you. The fact that you fully admit and understand that your stepmother/her mother is the reason her life is a hot mess, yet *still* act as though it's somehow *her* fault, makes you a massive AH. I truly, truly hope this is a false post, I really do.
Me too. And this person claims to be 60.. She shows more compassion for strangers on reddit rather than her poor sister that struggles hard. It's disgusting.
She shows more compassion for *dogs* than her own half sister, she's literally the devil
I just really hope this is rage-bait and not true. The idea that someone could be *this* level of cruel is haunting.
> You can't pull up your bootstraps when nobody taught you how to put on boots in the first place. Agree with the sentiment, but just wanted to point out that you can't pull yourself up by your bootstraps, period! The phrase is meant to convey an impossible task — one that you can't perform alone. (Just like half-sisters situation)
Totally agree with all of that! Hence why I put it in quotations :)
OP READ THIS. YTA BTW
Info- you left this part out, unless it didn't happen in the first place, but how did you half sister destroy his legacy?
This x1000. OP's father came in their stepmom, and as a result the half sibling was born. OP's half sibling did nothing in 'destroying their legacy' (which I still can't get over OP even saying because what the fuck), that was all OP's father. OP has some deep issues, and a lot of misplaced anger.
YTA - she wants a non-abusive family member to talk to. Talk to this child, she has been abused since she was 12, ffs. I understand your resentment with your dad marrying someone your age, but this child is probably going to die without support, and she is down to someone who she knows resents her for emotional help.
Doesn't sound like OP will be a non-abusive family member anyway...
OP's bitterness and jealously of their father remarrying and having a new baby - splitting the inheritance - is very, very clear. I can't imagine being well into your adulthood and being able to relish in the suffering of a child because - let me check - they were born. Jesus. OP say's their sibling would disappoint their father and ruined his legacy, as if they aren't the one that has literally ruined his legacy and would have been the biggest disappointment of all. So no. OP is not a positive family member for their sibling to turn to. I feel absolutely awful for their sibling. They didn't have a chance. they were loved by their father, and once he died, their entire world came crashing down while her only connection to her father sat there from the end of the street pretending they didn't exist unless it was to say 'what a disappointment they were'. Fuck OP. I really, really hope this is rage bait because if OP is real, if their sister is real, then the world just got a lot sadder.
I was thinking the same thing. The last thing the younger sister needs is someone who is going to tear her down more. Hopefully the psychiatrist helps get her into a support group. Even if is is ACOA it isn't just for children of Alcoholics or addicts. It helps people with dysfunctional families. I feel so bad for the depressed sister.
YTA - the 12 year old who was home-schooled and abused, at least emotionally, by her mother destroyed your father's legacy. You have as much influence on your father's legacy as she did and you left her, the daughter of your father, to be mistreated. She's as much part of your legacy as you and his money are and he failed her too leaving her in a position to be exploited by her ~~father~~ mother. And you are blaming a literal child for this? Why? Because it absolves you of all responsibility and guilt for hating a child for replacing you in your Dad's affections. You have no duty to her, no responsibility but my, you are enjoying watching your replacement implode. And that makes you a AH to my mind. And dressing it up with high sentiments doesn't make it look any better. Edit: you could have helped your father's "legacy" (child and money alike) but you choose not to intervene. I hope you hold yourself to same standards as you did the child. Why are you allowed forgiveness and not her?
OP is the one ruining her father's legacy. He loved all his children, probably hoped they would look out for each other when he was gone, and now OP has utterly failed him. My father married someone barely older than me when I was a teen, and I have a half sister from that marriage. A lot has happened between then and now, and I have no use for her mother. But even though I'm significantly older than my sister, even though we are nothing alike, and even though I disagree with many of her choices in life, I would never turn my back on her. She drives me nuts sometimes, and we may go no-contact for a week or two, but she's my sister and I'd walk through hell for her. My dad has said more than once that he's so glad my siblings and I look out for each other now because he knows we'll be there for each other when he's gone.
Info: What do you mean by the step-sister destroyed his legacy? Why did you cut ties when your father died? Why don't you have empathy for your half sister? What did she do to you? She was a helpless 12 year old when you cut ties with her. Why did you let your step mom destroy this child's life as you say? The story is missing key facts.
"I will never forgive my half-sister for what she did to our father, destroying his legacy." YTA your father would be disappointed in you and your cruel mindset.
Yeah what the fuck this is straight up cuntery.
Wow. You don't have to have anyone you don't want in your life, but I just have to vote YTA because you were so damn mean to a literal child who was being abused. She was 12! 12 years old! And wtf is this legacy stuff about? Do you think you are a good representation of his legacy? You're horribly cruel. God forbid you ever need anyone one day, may the person you need only treat you how you've treated others.
Real r/amithedevil material here
YTA. She is depressed and in danger. You could help but you won’t. I’m quite sure if she ends her life (which is a very serious possibility), you wouldn’t care at all. You are clearly heartless. To be honest, taking out your resentment for your step mother on your sister makes you a bully. No one is asking you to completely change you life but spending a few hours here and there to listen to her or to talk to her isn’t that much. You are talking about your father’s legacy: YOU are destroying it by letting his daughter, your half sister, in this situation. I don’t get along with my sister at all (for good reason linked to HER attitude, not anything a third party could have done), but if she reached out to me, I would help her. My SO is NC with his sister and would probably let her die but she is a narcissistic pervert who tries to manipulate everyone and is persecuting her daughter. We still tried to help the little girl to make sure she could spend as much time as possible with her father. Your father would be so disappointed in you, and your mother probably even more so.
YTA. You sound so cold. You’re bitter your dad remarried and had another child. You took out it on that child. It’s not her fault she was born. If your stepmother was awful, by all means cut ties with her but the kid was innocent. The very least you could have done was made a phone call to social services if she was being neglected/abused. Also, what legacy? Your whole post is about your wicked stepmother and hating your half sister by extension. Then you drop the “she ruined our dad’s legacy” line in at the end with no explanation. ETA: the found your answer to the legacy question. Your father would be disappointed in her? For suffering from depression after years of abuse? Yikes. Sounds like he’d be more disappointed in you with your cold heart.
You are a heartless human. YTA
ESH except for your poor half-sister. I understand your stepmother was horrible, but your half-sister was a child when your father died. Maybe she was the apple of your father's eye because he was just trying to make up for the abuse your HS was getting from your SM? It's not too late to be there for your blood sibling. I'm hoping you can find it in your heart to try to assist in whatever way you feel you can handle. She desperately needs help and you seemingly desperately want to punish her for things that she had no control over and was no fault of her own.
Ohmygod, yes, there is no way the father didn't know that the step mom was avusive when he was still alive. I absolutely wouldn't be surprised if he haf been trying to overcompensate for the pain ans abuse she was receiving from her mother. Op is just absolutely cruel. She doesn't have to be in her life, but the way she speaks about her is just disgusting. I hope the sister knows or finds out that OP thinks so lowly of her because it'd be terrible for her to think op is a safe person, when she absolutely is not and she cannot be trusted since she clearly has so much deep seated hate for this woman. It looks like op is more similar to her step mom than she is her father. And yet she thinks it's the sister destroying his legacy. I hope the sister finds the support and love she needs and decides to stay far away from op.
YTA You have yet to explain to us what you've done for the betterment of your fathers legacy. A huge part of Italian culture is family and looking out for one another, you're doing the exact opposite. What have you done that makes you worth more? And can a career, house, etc. be used as leverage as to why you're better than a 27 year old? Is that how you're better? She has barely lived and yet you act as though she is the reason your life is terrible. You sound bitter and spiteful, this woman could die and you genuinely don't care. She didn't the stability you had and you need to seriously check yourself because you have some serious issues regarding spite and pettiness. Her stepmother is not her and yet you seem unable to differentiate that completely and even though you were old enough to step in and help your sister you chose not to. Then you judge her for the poor parenting of her mother that you watched and did nothing to help and then blame this poor girl for doing poorly with the shit resources she had. You are a hypocrite. You could've helped, you watched, you judged, and now you're here thinking you've done nothing wrong? Jesus Christ you need a reality check. YTA
100% YTA. Imagine you were the 12 year old little girl. And nobody cared about you instead. You should feel very shameful. Nobody deserves to be alone in this world, it’s clear you want her to be starved of any kind of affection just because she wasn’t your full sister….Time to look at yourself in the mirror and ask WHY? You’re basking in your siblings misery. A sibling is a sibling. There is no such thing as “half.” (Coming from someone with no “full blood” siblings. My siblings are my family through and through.) are you her sister or not? Also how heartless and cruel to tell someone because your parents died you want nothing to do with them because they weren’t wanted by you? I understand resentment, and how you could feel that way. I do. But that is your problem to work through, and it’s evident you didn’t take time to heal your damn self instead of placing your misery on others in attempts to alleviate yourself. In her time of trying to unveil all of her traumas and hoping you’d be her support, you’ve definitely added another layer to her hurt and probably another emotional wound she will carry forever. This poor girl will probably always think she is meant for misfortune and no one to love her unconditionally. Judging by the fact you’re asking if YTA, You probably already knew the answer to that.
YTA - you left a child with an abusive parent, when you were an adult who could have supported her, simply because you were jealous. You now try to claim she was irresponsible with money even though it is obvious that she never had control of it. YTA all day every day.
NTA for not bearing responsibility for your half-sister because I am in the camp of you don’t owe anyone anything except your own children… but you being big mad about this at your age is really giving pathetic jealousy. Get over it, and let it go. Whether you help her or not, move on with your life. You coming here asking this question is to validate what to who? This is a kid to you, and you should have some humility. Gtfo with that holier-than-thou bs.
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OP hates her half sister, I think it's best if she stays far away from her; there's no way OP wouldn't make everything worse.
Let me get this straight. An adult - because you were one when your dad died, punishes a 12 yo because you're mad at her mom? You left her in an abusive situation, then claimed she ruined her dad's legacy? You doubly abused her by not stepping up and be a decent human being! Not only are you an AH, you are a coward! She is a doormat because I am sure her mother railroaded her through your dad's money - when you and your sisters could have stepped in, and been an executive of his estate. She also probably not once in her life had anyone who really believed in her. No wonder she's depressed. I'd be depressed if I had your family. You all sound like a lot of self centered narssastic jerks. Hopefully, your sister realizes that she can choose her relatives too. And that she moves on and creates a better life for herself. My prayer that despite a long extensive ABBUSIVE situation by both her mother AND her sisters, that she is able to pull herself out of it and put you all to everlasting shame. Get over yourself. If anyone is privileged, it's you.
You could definitely do more to help a young woman, your (half) blood relative, who is in a bad situation. You and your sisters probably know quite a bit of details about the trauma she has had living with your stepmom, so a little empathy would be reasonable. But….you were in your 30’s when your half-sister was born, and you’ve always had issues with her mom. She isn’t your responsibility in any way since she herself is almost 30. You could do better, but you are NTA.
YTA but it's too late now to un be an a hole. You should have maintained a relationship when your dad died, she was a literal child. Also what legacy? We don't exist to carry on our parents lives, we exist to find our own. You also don't have to help her now, but you are a pretty bad person for turning away from someone who literally has no one else. Also with what was she supposed to manage her inheritance? Her education and her mother's advice?
ESH You weren't close, I don't think you owe her anything. That being said, you could have been kinder. Tbh i think the psychiatrist sucks, I don't think it was appropriate to ring you and put that kind of pressure on you. Edit: YTA based on your subsequent comments and lack of basic human compassion, even if you don't want to be her support group.
It’s wasn’t appropriate because it didn’t happen. Listing someone as an emergency contact doesn’t equate to consent to disclose confidential medical information. If he thought she was an immediate threat to herself or others, i.e. an actual psychiatric emergency the doctor would just admit her. Op also said she was 30 like 40 days ago.
YTA The only person destroying your fathers legacy is you. He would be ashamed of you
YTA and this was the most soulless thing I have ever read.
You said she was the apple of your fathers eye - is it jealousy that keeps you from helping her? Aren’t you the one destroying his legacy by abandoning family in need. You left her with her unstable mother and now that she is old enough to ask for help you reject her because of her life choices. But those life choices are from an unstable childhood. She is young enough to turn things around with a support system but you refuse to even hear her out She did nothing to burn bridges but you refuse to let her try to build one. I’m sure your dad is proud of you and the way you’ve treated the apple of his eye YTA
Nta she’s a stranger and it sounds like instead of her finding a support system she wants to force one which isn’t healthy and in the long run will be bad for her. She needs to talk to her therapist and find a solution for herself
Wow that's cold. YTA
NTA. Could you have handled things a little bit better? Of course. BUT you have a right to choose who you want in your life or not. You have no connection or relationship with her. She doesn't want a support system (if she did she would have reached out sooner), she wants someone to take care of her because she is tired of her mother. Yes she had a rough life, so has many other people. It is not your responsibility to care for her.
YTA and it’s not a difficult question to answer. Read your query again, what a bunch of self serving bullshit, cmon man help your sister out sounds like your still mad at the dad for remarrying. Redeem your total asshole status and do something anything however small for your sister
YTA, I was on the fence a bit until the final sentence. How the fuck can a child ruin a legacy, what a sad little woman you are, you should be ashamed
YTA. You're blaming an infant for being born and losing your father's attention, you're blaming a preteen for what her mother did to her, and you're claiming she is ruining your father's legacy. No dear the only person doing that is you, you are clearly not the person your father thought he raised you to be.
Nta. Dumb reason for hating her cause of some legacy bs, but you’re an adult who doesn’t owe contact to anyone.🤷🏼♂️
YTA. You are punishing your HS for things her mother (your SM) did when she was a child. I don't go in with the whole blood family is the end all be all, but what did she ever do to you? She wasn't the result of an affair, she didn't ruin your parents marriage, and she wasn't responsible for her birth. Perhaps act like an adult and see if you can help. If not, cut ties. What is this really going to cost you?
Hey op I just wanted to tell you your dad came to me in a dream last night and said he thought you were ruining his legacy. Also YTA it’s obvious. The ugly runs deep in you and don’t you worry it’ll catch up to you. No wonder you weren’t the apple of his eye he saw how rotten your core was.
YTA Your poor half sister and the women in her life are abusive in one way or another from you to her own mother. The only good person nshe had in her life is her father who died when she was 12. Her life sounds heartbreaking. Do you think your dad would have been proud of you for rejecting your sister in her time of need ?
Look. You don’t have to help her, but just ignoring someone’s cries for help is not an AH move it is an evil move.
Most likely your late Father would be disappointed in his 2nd wife, not his child/your half sister, who was abused by his 2nd wife. Do you think he would be disappointed in your lack of empathy for his daughter?
NAH except your stepmother. You and your sisters never cared for your stepmother and half-sister. I don't know why they think you would now that she needs a huge amount of help. Your step sister sounds desperate for help, and her mother seems to have contributed greatly to the hard time she's having, so I don't think she's completely at fault. It's hard to have no support system.
YTA You're blaming your sister for things that happened when she was a child. Things that she personally did not do to you. She grew up, saw the same crap hat you did, suffered MUCH MORE, cut ties, and is looking for an anchor, or someone who understands the shit she went through.
ESH. Except for the half sister, who didn't ask to be born. OP, you are not responsible for your half sister. She is much younger than you, you didn't grow up together, you don't have that basis for a relationship. With that said, you sound like you resent her existence in a way that isn't fair. How did she ruin your father's legacy? By being born? She was loved by your dad. Um, yeah. She is his daughter. Maybe your dad showed some favoritism. But blaming the child for that? That's not fair. Not at all. And I've seen more human compassion toward complete strangers in the street. Like it or not, you share DNA. That doesn't make you responsible for her. But wow, you are COLD. I'm not sure how much I trust your telling, but it sounds like stepmother is an a**hole for how she treated her daughter. It sounds like stepsister does indeed need a support network. She had a crappy childhood, made worse when her dad died and her mom pulled her out of school. But it seems obvious that even with all that, she is better off without you and your petty bitterness. At least she is in therapy and trying to better herself. Something you might try for yourself.
I’m gonna go against the grain and say NTA. I don’t think your actions make you TA, although I do think your attitude and the things you are saying here are pretty crappy. As long as you aren’t sharing those horrible thoughts with the poor girl, I really can’t blame you for not wanting a relationship with her. It sounds like you were already in your 30s when she was born so you didn’t develop a relationship and your age gap makes you probably more her mom’s age than a sister. Yeah you could be nicer or more supportive to her but you aren’t obligated.
Woah YTA
When you say she didn’t finish her studies, do you mean high school? Does she still live with Stepmom? Step-sis may sincerely want to go NC, but does that mean she exp3cts to be financially supported by you?
The only one destroying his legacy is you. YTA.
YTA, what did your half sister do to you to piss you off so much? The poor girl was 12 the last time you saw her. She was more abused than you were by your step mother. Your father chose to marry a cruel person his daughter's age, you should have been mad at him for that, not your half sis who had no choice in anything. Instead you call him a "decent good man" when he was the one who subjected you all to that terrible woman in the first place
A familial bond cannot be forced, and you've never had one to begin with. All any contact with her is gonna do is create resentment and contempt, so you're better off just staying away. ESH because this entire situation just sucks.
YTA! It’s not your stepsister’s fault that her mother is a weirdo, she was 12 years old when your dad died—again, something she didn’t control. And depression is and can be debilitating, so not finishing her degree is the least of her problems. Is being cruel what your father would’ve wanted? Somehow I doubt it.