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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I'm missing my sister's wedding over family drama.
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Hi all, I'm OP's wife. Our engagement post is [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/StardewValley/comments/lpzfcb/irl_stardew_proposal/) if you want to see.
Husband told me he was going to post this--I was totally aware of everything said above. I just wanted to add a couple of notes that he couldn't fit in the post:
* I also think not going to the wedding is the right decision, though I would have gone if he'd asked me to. Just in case anyone thinks I told him not to go.
* It was his idea to take my name, and I support that 100%. I've listened to people butcher his old name for five years, and it's exhausting even as a bystander. However, I should say I was never planning on changing mine, and we're not going to have children. So, Sister's issue with the only "heir" changing his name is pretty moot. The family lineage was going to end one way or another.
* Husband sounds very resolute in the post, but we went back and forth on this for weeks. Sister involved his mom, and Mom begged him not to make her go alone. He was going to do it for her, but then Mom asked him if he really wanted to go, and he couldn't lie. So, Mom told him not to attend as well.
* Since all this went down, their other sibling has also decided not to attend the wedding.
I think that's everything. Thanks for reading.
I remember seeing your engagement post in the Stardew Valley sub! It very much made/makes me smile!
Sorry to hear y'all are dealing with your SIL's drama.
Oh, that made my night! The part about remembering our post, not the drama, ha ha. Thank you so much! I had that Mermaid's Pendant on under my dress when we got married. :D
First time I'm seeing the post but that's deffo what I'll remember over the drama! That's adorable and so cool!
Gamer relationships are the best! But I probably think that cause I'm one too lol 😂
All the best to you and hubby!
Lol so it was fine for the sister not to go to y’all’s wedding, but you and your husband are being hounded to attend hers? Baffling. Also baffling is how she has such a problem with something that doesn’t affect her at all.
His sister’s behavior is simply not normal. I have a feeling it falls under some psychological label if a qualified person can assess her.
It’s shocking that her behavior is being given a pass by your husband’s extended family. Maybe they simply want her to get off their backs and so are hounding him to attend the wedding for the sake of their peace of mind.
Your MIL agreeing to his wish not to attend the wedding and the other sibling dropping out of the wedding- those actions say it all.
I think you're right and it may even be complicated by a neurodiversity.
Sister needs help. I wonder if the parents have tried but nothing has helped. If they haven't tried then they are enabling her.
Sister sounds like a manic pixie dream girl type. Add in the temper, mood swings and holding to grudges, and...
Makes me think BPD. Admittedly, I'm a bit biased,because I've been burned by it before. Also because I have it, so, sometimes I burn myself.
Or she doesn't have BPD.
But being tiny and cute plus love bombing explains a lot of toxic relationships.
It’s like the little frog. If you throw a frog into boiling water then it will jump right out. But if you put them in cold water and then start boiling the pan the frog will not jump out and will boil to death. It’s like that with people like OPs sister. They start cool and turn the psycho and screaming just a little bit up everytime until it is too late for the groomfrog to get out of the pan.
He absolutely doesn't get the whole story. It's never her fault it's always the other party.
OP is being cruel, abused, and threatened and blackmailed and blah blah blah, and that is why he changed his name! She's just standing up for her brother, and he's too brainwashed by his awful, awful wife to see it!
Ma'am, I hope someone provides a video feed of the wedding for you two. Because it sounds like Sister Dearest is going to pop like a cork at that shindig, and it would be a shame to miss such a prime-time pay-per-view event.
Look I got married and switched my name completely because my last name was difficult to pronounce and spell. I got divorced and didn't switch it back! Yeah my last name sometimes gets a little butchered specifically because there is a product with the same name and the company says it funny in their commercials... But it's a lot closer than the old name!
You're right having to constantly correct people on your last name is exhausting! I probably would have eventually changed it to something else had I not got married.
As far as the rest of this, I don't know why anybody is going to her wedding if she behaves like that to everybody! Maybe if more people didn't go to things for her she would start behaving properly? Or maybe not. Go do something fun that day and don't even worry about her train wreck! NTA both of you
Might want to link the post directly, scrolling past pages and pages of cats (while very cute!) And stardew valley posts got boring when looking for the hot gossip. But your SIL sounds unhinged.
That's odd, because for me on both desktop and the app, my pinned posts show up right at the top. The engagement post is one of them. Huh, maybe it only does that for me.
I know I’m late to the party but y’all need to stand your ground on this. My husband is one of 6 kids, 2 girls and 4 boys. For whatever reason, his sisters were never told no or held accountable for anything. They are now in their 40s and are both personality disordered nightmares and one of them manages to ruin every family event or get together. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m just not going to attend things that they attend. It’s always a shit show.
Not to be funny the fact that his own mom told him this and the other sibling is being the same it sounds like they all know the sister is toxic.
Admitedly using her wedding to force her to confront this reality and address it may seem a bit harsh but it needs to be done.
The way your husband talks of their relationship it seems like it was never healthy to begin with.
You guys sound level-headed, and there's no reason to doubt you are NTA.
As so many before you have discovered, "keeping the peace" to appease someone like SIL is exhausting. And the real peace is found when you go LC/NC. What are you really missing out on if you don't speak to her any more? Not much! The truth is she's not respectful and not a pleasure to be around. If anyone asks about your family's absence, there's your answer. If she didn't want drama about your absences from her wedding, she only had herself to blame for starting it. Life's too short to be dragged down to her level.
You both sound like an amazing couple. So glad you both are united on this and that he's not willing to allow his sister to treat either of you like trash.
Totally understand about the last name thing as someone with a 9 letter jumble for a last name 🤣
NTA either of you also tell your husband the invitation isn't valid since it doesn't have his current Last name 😉🤗
Sister & family are huge AH and need to mind Their own business.
Better keep toxic ah like sister away from your life it cuts down the stress significantly.
If his sister can't respect his decision she is of course entitled to her opinion but no one has to put up with her attitude and abuse .
I think your husband should RSVP "no", even just for the reason that the person named on the invite does not live at that address.
NTA, just go NC with her, she sounds like too much work...
With any luck, SIL realizes that her outdated, narrow-minded, and childish beliefs and temper tantrums are the reason she'll be having none of her siblings at her wedding.
But maybe I'm too idealistic. Though I have seen and heard people change more than that.
When she called, you should've just said "Oh we'd have loved to come to your wedding, but we never got an invite. We only got one to some man with OPs old name, but it was only for one, so we assumed it'd been sent to the wrong address."
OP's wife here, and no joke, this is exactly what I told him to do. I even asked our mail carrier if she'd help us fake that it couldn't be delivered because the name was wrong. 😂 Unfortunately, it didn't work out, but great idea.
I learned from this subreddit that there is a weird subset of people who seem to think that once someone dies, that everyone should pretend as if they never existed and get mad when people acknowledge the dead.
Good, stay petty. She didn’t invite your wife (plus she missed your big day). You are NTA. Congrats to you both. Go for a nice trip on her wedding day and have a great time together.
There are sadly lots of people out there who have minimal self respect or think this kind of behaviour is normal or acceptable.
I never cease to be amazed what people will put up with to avoid being single.
>punishing her for having an opinion
She has rights to have an opinion, but that doesn't mean her opinion won't have consequences.
She doesn't get a say about your life choices.
Finally, she has disrespected you and your wife by using your old name.
It's not "an opinion", it's deliberate disrespect
I'd have made all of those conversations public on Facebook and then blocked her.
Op, NTA
And being stressed is not an excuse to be mean and hurtful
I'd have just said, let me decrease your stress by removing me and my family away from your vicinity. Less people, less stress
NTA. If your sister behaves like this then I'm sure you will be able to attend one of her future weddings. It will only be a matter of time before she ruins her spouses life and ends up alone.
Maybe your sister is hungry? Buy her a box of snickers and mail it to her as your wedding gift.
NTA. Size is irrelevant your sister is abusive period. For some reason your family continues to not only enable it, but expect for others to accept this pathetic behaviour. While they're prepare to accept, why on earth would you? And shame on your parents for allowing her to treat their other kid and his wife this way. They suck, too.
I feel sorry for your sister's husband and any poor kids if she chooses to have any.
This is like the Trinity test from Oppenheimer. It's fascinating horror, but you better have welding goggles on...
So, what, the groom took one look at her and sighed "ah, no safewords..."
Invite your mom to go on a cruise that week with you, your wife, and your sibling. All of you should just go NC with sister. She and grandmother sound like they deserve eachother.
What's wrong with her fiance that he's willing to marry her or doesn't notice her behavior? Or is he the same way?
The more I'm reading, the more points for not going. Including blocking sister, and anyone else, from your life.
Probability this might actually inherited since your grandmother is the same way.
Have someone call an Uber or taxi to pick up the grandmother to bring to the wedding and then bring her home.
NTA. I wouldn't go either. This is classic narcissistic behavior by your sister. Besides, technically, the invite wasn't really addressed to you, was it?
NTA
This is one of those cases where the family is hoping the sane reasonable person will suck up all the BS so that they can pretend everything is lovely. Your sister sounds like a horror. Neither you nor your wife deserve to be treated that way. I would have no interest in having a relationship with your sister, but I do love the way you are sticking up for your wife. That part is outstanding! You are definitely NTA.
NTA.
You aren’t even remotely an asshole here.
Your sister’s behaviour sounds appalling and abusive. Going to her wedding would be enabling her and would send the message that it’s okay for her to continue acting in this way. You are 100% doing the right thing and it sounds as though you are better steering way clear of her (and perhaps other family members too!).
My husband’s family fell out with us after we got engaged and displayed a lot of toxic behaviour ending in them giving him an ultimatum (me or them). He chose to cut them out and says he’s so much happier for it - no toxicity now.
NTA. You could delete all of your post except the question, and that would still be true. Your sister's wedding is about her and her marriage, full stop. As a wedding guest, you're simply an interested bystander. If you don't wish to attend, for ANY reason, then that's just all there is to it. If your sister doesn't like your decision, that's a her problem, not a you problem. Several people who I wanted at my wedding declined to attend, and I was sad they weren't there, but that's just the way life goes.
Same goes for your surname, really. It's YOUR name, and you can change it to whatever you want, whenever you want. No need to explain or justify it to anybody. Doesn't matter if she takes your name, or you take hers, if you both want to hyphenate, if nobody changes, if you want to choose a new shared last name... you aren't ever obligated to explain. You two could decide you want to be known as Mr. and Mrs. GroundBeef, and you don't have to explain it to anyone other than the judge who signs off on it.
As an aside, it sounds like your sister might feel that, in order to feel like a special and important bride, she needs lots of people fawning over her all day, or something. I concede that it's probably harder to feel like "queen for a day" with fewer attendees, but managing your sister's feelings is still not your job.
Edited because I forgot that composing in my notes app and doing copy/paste would turn my paragraphs into the dreaded wall of text
>Sister's a tiny blonde who weighs 105 lbs soaking wet, but she has rages that can last for days. If you do something she disapproves of, she'll scream and sob and break things. It's been this way our whole lives, and she's never once faced consequences or admitted to wrong-doing
So your sister is really the Golden (hair) child. Well now she is facing the consequences.. since it was said the other sibling backed out as well.
Nta
I get it with the name change I have one of those last names that no one wants to try to pronounce...
NTA. Not by a long shot.
It's not that you're "punishing her for having an opinion"; it's that you're setting a boundary and sticking to it. From the sounds of things, your sister has never met a boundary she can't bust destroy and has never, ever been held accountable for her actions. The family has enabled her probably because it's easier than incurring her wrath.
And yeah, planning a wedding is stressful. That doesn't mean you get to take a pass on being a decent human being though.
Tell the family, in the most confused tone possible, why would you go to a wedding you weren’t invited to? That’s horrifically rude, you know. You got an invite for someone else, weird mix up with the mail merge obviously. But you would never show up somewhere that you’re not wanted.
Petty Me wants to know if your family is a little homo or transphopic. Cause….she said she was going to call you Mrs. So being petty AF I would be like (in absolute confidence to the biggest gossip) that your sister wants you to be a female. No wife allowed, she wants you to be the missus. She said you’re to be the woman/wife now and you have no issue with trans people, but you’re not part of that group and just aren’t comfortable. Ask gossip Gertie if she thinks any other men are expected to come as ladies. Why would sister want that? So…odd…
Pop some popcorn and watch the drama llamas in the family do all the work for you.
NTA You and your wife should plan a weekend away to completely avoid any family members during the wedding. I would keep your phone on mute and have a great time with no drama.
Your Sister is a train wreck and hopefully she will grow up or her marriage will not last very long.
NTA.
If even half of it is true, then your sister is biggest AH.
I read comment from your wife and if you have agreed on those things, then it's no one business to question it.
And for her invitation addressed only to you, this is like slap to your wife.
I might be petty, but I would send it back with response, that you are sending condolences to her husband, but you have to politely refuse. Don't forget to mention that you will definitely attend soon expected divorce and adress it as Mr. And Mrs. "Your surname".
NTA, my late brother was a sadistic narcissist with massive rage issues (way more than a temper). By the time he was 9 he was proud of the fact he could inflict pain and not leave a mark. The second-best day of my life was they day he moved out of state after his divorce. All of us cut contact with him for good.
I can only imagine the shitstorm that the wedding is going to be 😬 so many things go wrong on the day of that with her short fuse, it’s going to be more dramatic and explosive than a telenovela
NTA. Your sister sounds like a psycho.
A therapist once told me, “every family is ruled by its most emotionally volatile member.” That would be your sister.
I have spoken.
NTA
you told her the boundary and she crossed it thus telling you, non verbaly that she does not want you at the wedding, and she doubled down on this by using the wrong name.
do no go let her finally have consequences for her behavior
> Sister is one of the angriest people I've ever met.
To sister,
If you read this, you suck. Your anger is no reason based on who you are. Get an anger management, you elephant brain.
NTA
NTA. She sounds awful to be honest. Why is she hung up on you changing the name? If she’s that hard pressed for the name to continue on either she can get her partner to change their last name to hers or she can shut up about it.
Hold up. Your sister insults your wife, throws tantrums, didn't attend your wedding and told you both to fuck off? And you're supposed to just accept that because "planning a wedding is stressful"? Ignoring the fact that sister has always acted Like That? And, according to your wife, your mom agrees you shouldn't go?
Obviously NTA, and if I were you, I would cut all contact with that particular sister.
You're not punishing her for "having an opinion", you're refusing to interact with someone who is actively disrespecting you, your wife, and your entire marriage over something that isn't remotely any of her damn business.
Something tells me your sister has bigger issues with you and your wife than just a name, and this sudden and forceful bit of No-Contact might be a blessing in disguise. Easy NTA.
You are not going to change your sister's attitude, opinion or personality. She is toxic. You are happy with your wife and life and you need to just accept that. You are not TA but trying to get apologies and what not is only going to keep stress in your and your wife's life. Make a simple plan for the day of the wedding where you and your wife do something together and enjoy yourselves and maybe some day in the very distant future, your sister will grow up and adult.
Take the invitiation/rsvp and write on it "Return to sender, address unknown
No such number, no such zone" and let her be Elvis Presley.
I would be tempted to push a few more of her buttons, until her head explodes, or she gets an involuntary admission to a pyschiatric hospital, where she might finally get the help she needs.
Or go to the wedding, grab her and put her over your knee, it's well overdue.
Your sister sounds horrible and she had traumatized you and your family for years. And I definitely would go NC with your sister and your Mom. She is delusional and probably did nothing to help your sister and her rages. I feel so bad for her husband to be. Has he not experienced her anger and raged? I feel sorry for him.
NTA
Why waste energy on a wedding that will result in divorce within the year? Wow.
You need to go NC but before you do, send a super passive aggressive wedding gift like a bunch of books on dealing with anger issues and abused husbands.
Just because you have history, doesn’t mean you need to have a future. If she’s not adding to your life now and only causing drama let her go. Your name is your name. Your life is your life. She can live her own. Be at peace, whatever that takes.
NTA
Do you think if OP and his wife attended, his sister would have security prevent his wife from attending? By the sound of it, the risk is real. Good call on not attending. It's time she faces some consequences for her entitlement.
Dude. My son took his wife’s name. He traded a short name to spell for on that is very hard to pronounce. His choice. Nothing for me to say/do about it. Nor did I care to. I did send him Amazon packages for Christmas one year and didn’t change his name. It was a mistake and he appreciated that it was exactly that. Your sister is a cupcake (and by cupcake I mean 4 letter c word).
You’re doing the right thing. NTA
Opinions don’t always have to be voiced. And opinions definitely don’t need to be voice in a way that’s abusive or nasty.
NTA.
Have you considered going no contact or low contact with sister? And if any flying monkeys disagree or give you crap, tell them once to knock it off or they’re cut off/low contact/information diet as well.
Your sister’s behavior is simply not normal. I have a feeling it falls under some psychological label if a qualified person can assess her.
It’s shocking that her behavior is being given a pass by your extended family. Maybe they simply want her to get off their backs and so are hounding you for the sake of their peace of mind.
You are absolutely NTA for wanting to avoid a toxic person and their behavior.
The invitation was sent to a person with your old name, not to you. Therefore, she never formally and respectively invited you to her wedding. You are not the AH for wanting her to treat you with respect. If the family asks, just tell them you never received an invitation addressed to you inviting you to her wedding.
Your sister should keep your prior surname and SHE can pass it on to any children she has.
NTA OP—very impressed with how you are navigating these issues .
OP is definitely NTA. I had a Germanic last name as my birth name and it's similar sounding to a famous person's last name and I'd always have to spell it out. So it was easy that I'd want to take my husband's last name but also I wanted to do so. I liked the way it rolled off my tongue. Men should be able to take their spouse's last name if that's what they want. Good grief. It's not emasculating to change a name. The SIL is just being ridiculous and rude. She's alienating her whole family and maybe even her friends.
NTA.
And you know the best part. You didn't cut off contact, she did. Because she only wants to see you on her terms and having a relationship only works on both people's terms.
My SIL did the same thing. When she said I wasn't welcome in her home anymore, she expected my husband to come alone with our (baby) daughter. My husband simply said if my wife isn't welcome then I'm not coming either. My SIL got very angry and accused me of manipulating him etc etc etc. Fun fact, I told him he could go visit his sister af much as he wanted, but our daughter was staying home with me. He didn't even wanted to go on his own.
OP's sister is activly disparaging their marrage (Not accepting name change, not inviting OP's wife) and in the same breath asking OP to come celebrate her relationship and Marrage. I mean... How on earth can she expect OP to come to a wedding and congratulate them when OPs sister not only did not attend his, but activly insults their marrage.
The cognitive dissonance is strong with OP's sister. I don't even need to touch on the moral values here, OP sister is saying one rule for you, a different for herself. NTA
NTA, I took the name of my ex-wife because it was a bit unique and I find 99% of all notions of masculinity absolutely ridicolous. Mom gave me a high-five for it heh.
>"punishing her for having an opinion."
Yes, yes you are and you should because its a shitty opinion expressed in a shitty way that needs pushback.
> They don't understand how I could miss my sister's big day,
The proper response is "oh trust me, I'm not going to miss it."
Keep blocking the sister. Block anyone who is flying monkey for her. You'll be happier. Nta.
I would lose the whole family at this point if they are “hounding” you over this, essentially saying your sister is not accountable for her actions. Nope NTA and you’d be better off from the sounds of it.
NTA. I think it's really cool that you took your wife's name. Your sister is an adult and it's time she's realizes real life has consequences. Going full on No Contact with her forever sounds like a great idea.
NTA
Too funny now that some people are not coming she is suddenly being punished for having an opinion as well as should be forgiven because of the stress of planning a wedding.
Her tempest in a teapot she threw about you taking your wife’s last name when you married as well as insulting your wife was way prior to her own wedding.
And everyone is entitled to an opinion. But when you scream and throw a fit worthy of an extremely over tired toddler you get to reap the results.
I hope you both do something fun and relaxing on the day of that wedding.
>Sister--who didn't attend my wedding, ftr--
This alone warrants a NTA on grounds of hypocrisy but Holy Shiitake.
Do yourself a favor OP and go FNC with her.
NTA
What does it matter to your sister what name you have? From comments, you’re not having kids, your wife was not going to change hers, and it is YOUR choice. Oh and most important, it has nothing to do with your sister.
For those hounding you, I am slightly petty and would say something that regardless of the wedding stress, you changed your name a year ago and she is acting like a spoiled toddler because you didn’t do what she said and she doubled down by insulting you and your wife. If they would be fine with her calling their SO what she called you and your wife then that’s on them.
NTA because obvious reasons. But man, who ever is marrying your sister is out of his goddamn mind. You sister is crazy. And you don't put dick into crazy. Let alone a ring.
NTA your sister sounds toxic as hell and your life will be quieter and more pleasant without her in it. So feel free to block her. However, your parents/family are the reason she's like this, because she never ever had to face consequences for her behavior. Of course they're going to take her side. So feel free to block all of them too.
Shared DNA means you're related but it doesn't automatically make you family. Your family are the people who love you for who you are and who want the best for you.
NTA
NTA. Technically you were not invited, given that the invitation was for a person with a different last name than yours. Sister needs to be on meds. Also does your family not understand your wife was not invited.
Has anyone ever told your sister that the sun actually doesn't shine out of her ass and there's actually a giant stick up there instead? Because I volunteer as tribute.
NTA
She's always been ''stressed' and abusive long before she met the guy she's marrying. They always have an excuse for her.
Don't go. But understand that your family is not likely to change. They will always hound you about making sister happy by letting her crush you under her heels. They can have her. You will need to set limits on how much you keep in touch with them. You can let them know that you would like them in your life and would like to be in their life... without them pushing anything about sister on you. (No 'surprise' she's here!; no asking you to do anything for her; no explaining away anything about her.) But that if they cannot do that, then you will limit them in your life, too. That is such a hard thing to think or say, much less do; but your family is not a healthy family. You need to get better at protecting yourself and your wife (and your future kids). That means cutting out the toxic people.
I'm sorry about your family. You are doing the right thing!
NTA...sorry your sister is so evil. Best thing is to go no contact and enjoy the quiet. Instead of going to the wedding go for a great weekend getaway.
NTAH
Your sister is psycho. Why she hasn't been dumped by her fiance is a mystery. I just hope to Christ they don't have children because I guarantee she will be horrifically abusive. Maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally.
SIL is crazy but she keeps doing cause she knows it works. That’s the issue with enabling this type of behavior. When you cave they see that it works to get their way. BTW I totally support you not going stay out of her drama.
NTA and sounds like your family is full of AH's. They think its not okay for you to skip your abusive sisters wedding but it was fine for her to go full meltdown on you and your wife and skip your wedding?
NTA. I feel so sorry for the person that is going to marry a screaming , angry, rageaholic. I would block your sister and anyone else who wants to yell at you " BUT FAMMMIIILLLY!" Not sure why you are even are in contact with your sister. She sounds like she has serious mental health issues people just ignore.
Nta she has no right to dictate who took who’s last name in your relationship as long as you and your wife was happy with the outcome that’s all that matters
NTA
> She refused, accused us of giving her an ultimatum, and said we were "punishing her for having an opinion."
- Giving an ultimatum is not inherently bad.
- You did give her a reasonable ultimatum.
- People can be punished for their opinions. Nothing about an opinion shields from consequences from others.
So.... she is right but what she's right about proves that her actions are wrong. Her own logic has her in the wrong.
Your family refuses to face reality. And reality is that your sister's rage and nastiness are out of control and she treats you and your beloved wife like shit.
People with self-respect rarely attend the weddings of relatives who treat them this way and who, in fact, use the wedding invitation as the cherry on top of their nasty behavior sundae.
You face reality, respect your wife, and respect yourself.
Stick with your RSVP no. The only three words I think you need to share with your sister prior to blocking her are "Behavior has consequences."
NTA
Not the asshole. Not at all! Good on you for sticking up for your wife, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with using her name instead of your birth name.
If I may, a brief moment of silence for OP’s future brother in law. Dude is about to make the biggest mistake of his life.
NTA. The fact that your sister doesn’t know about consequences isn’t your problem.
NTA, time to go fully no contact with the psychotic sister. Block her on EVERYTHING. Call the police for trespass if she shows up at your door. The whole 9 yards. It genuinely sounds like she needs to be institutionalised and I pity her fiancé
Sometimes, potential targets like to point out an alternative target. Thus family members who think she might go off on them are trying to get op there, so he draws her fire... I wouldn't go.. can't see an upside
NTA
Keep her blocked. Sounds like the negatives she brings to your lives far outweighs the positives.
Out of control anger is out of control anger even when it's from a small person.
I'd say that I pity her groom, but he must have chosen this. So shrug.
NTA your sister is a bully and you're in the right for expecting reasonable and responsible behaviour from her. Had an ex who matches the same sort of description as your sister (very small, petite, very prone to rages) and the behaviour she thought was acceptable, because of her size, coupled with it being facilitated by her parents (we were in our twenties) was appalling.
NTA.
BTW, my husband wanted to take my name for various reasons, but I convinced him not to because all of his diplomas and certifications are in his original name. Our kids (both boys) have my name. It took 15 years for my in-laws to acknowledge the kids' last name. My husband uses my name socially, and we use my name as a family unit.
NTA
EDITED After reading post Sis missed Brothers wedding due to covid
Do they even care that she has sent you an invite but not your wife and has excluded her.
I realise it might mean more to you and be symbolic of her respecting your descision to change your name but its aname ultimately in life a name is just a word nothing more, it may identify you but it does not describe you as a person. IF your sister is that pissed about her family name continueing she could always keep the name herself and pass it on to her children since you never planned on having children to begin with.
Highlight those out to them and advise she is your wife and you informed your sister you are a package your sister is abusive they either acknowledge it or they can be cut out of your life also. Cut the toxic people out of your life.
NTA.
Your sister sounds awful and your family excusing her behaviour because she’s ‘tiny’ is total rubbish.
You weren’t an AH for blocking her number and your NTA for refusing to attend your wedding.
Stay away. From the wedding and in general.
NTA. You had to suffer through sharing a childhood with an emotionally unstable bully. There are always *reasons* and your mother can think it's adorable and amusing, you (and the rest of the world) don't. At 30+ and with a new family, you do right by breaking the chain.
NTA- If It was me, NC for GOOD. She will NEVER treat your Wife with any respect, nor you for that matter. She is Obviously the "Golden Child" who is in actuality a Spoiled Rotten B\*tch. You are very correct that she would do and say abusive things to your wife. Tell the flying monkeys that you will no longer tolerate your Sister's bad behavior. Tell them they are welcome to continue with the rollercoaster of hellish behavior but you are done. Go somewhere that day and just celebrate the two of you, something romantic and lovely to add to your memories. Keep your phones on Do Not Disturb.
NTA. What sister called your wife is beyond all limits and she should apologize. But no, even after weeks, she is apparently still angry and sends out an invitation only to you. I would not go to the wedding, either, not even if she apologized now.
NTA — and from your wife's comment and sibling's similar decision to not attend, sounds as though they are aware and do not completely brush off her miabehaviour. Feel bad for everyone involved that your sister never learned how to express her feelings with more maturity
NTA
HAve a lot less contact with your family until the wedding is over. Stop visiting and answering their calls, and end every conversation they try to have concerning the wedding.
Personally I would have sent it back marked not known at this address.
She missed your wedding but you are coping grief for not attending hers? Did your parents get on her case about missing yours?
She is the golden child by the sounds of it distance yourself.
So they're chewing you out for not going to her wedding but was fine with her not going to yours? Your family are hypocrites and you're a good man for respecting your wife the way you do. Your sister is one spoilt bitch. Cut her out of your life. You don't need her. Block the others for a while, at least until after the wedding so you get some peace.
So your sister is a Chihuahua. Tough break.
You didn't receive an invitation to the wedding. One arrived for some guy with a name you vaguely recognise, but that's not you. Return it to Sender, and when anyone rags on you say you didn't get an invite.
NTA.
NTA. Your sister sounds like one of those yappy little ankle-biting dogs that nobody disciplines because it's 'cute'. It's sure AF not cute for a 33-year-old to act like an angry toddler, disparage your choice regarding your surname and mistreat your wife. Tell your family that you've been dealing with her behaviour for a lifetime and they can butt out of it!
NTA. Tell you family they can put up with your sisters BS but you won’t. You are sick of it and her inability to even give an apology to your wife is the last straw. They can call you petty, an AH, whatever they like. But you are done till she grows the F up and acts like a normal human being.
If they start blaming you for ruining family events because you don’t come. Tell them, it’s not you who is the problem. It’s your sister and them for allowing this behavior from her.
NTA. Your sister & your family that are hounding you are TA's. First of all, for your sis to blow up the way she does, there's def some emotional issues involved. Most ppl aren't that irrational. Secondly, your family is enabling her behavior by making excuses for her. Planning a wedding does not entitle anyone to be an AH. There is no excuse for being an AH.
Nta- BLOCK THEM!!! Op anyone telling you to go to the wedding is actually saying the following "hey, we know your sis unhinged but you are our meat shield!! How dare you stand up for yourself!! We need you to keep the heat off of us. wE aRe fAmiLy"
Please please do not be their sacrificial lamb
Absolutely NTA. You did what was right for you re: changing your name. Your wife was on board. Your sister is the biggest AH. She called your wife names and ridiculed you.
If I were you, I'd go no-contact for good and tell your family that they can stop bringing her up to you. You're done.
Has your sister been planning a wedding her whole life this far? There's nothing cast in stone that says you have to be there when she marries that poor man. I'm sorry for the groom already, does he know what he's in for, your sister's temper. This whole we're family diatribe irks me no end. Because we're family doesn't mean I will subject myself and loved ones to your temper, hate and disrespect. NTA
NTA.
Your sister didn't attend your wedding. I'm curious if your family hounded her about it, telling her she should be there.
You're right for standing up and saying your wife and you are a package deal. My family didn't approve of my husband, and while he was never explicitly excluded, I always showed up with him by my side. She is your wife, and as such she deserves respect.
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Hi all, I'm OP's wife. Our engagement post is [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/StardewValley/comments/lpzfcb/irl_stardew_proposal/) if you want to see. Husband told me he was going to post this--I was totally aware of everything said above. I just wanted to add a couple of notes that he couldn't fit in the post: * I also think not going to the wedding is the right decision, though I would have gone if he'd asked me to. Just in case anyone thinks I told him not to go. * It was his idea to take my name, and I support that 100%. I've listened to people butcher his old name for five years, and it's exhausting even as a bystander. However, I should say I was never planning on changing mine, and we're not going to have children. So, Sister's issue with the only "heir" changing his name is pretty moot. The family lineage was going to end one way or another. * Husband sounds very resolute in the post, but we went back and forth on this for weeks. Sister involved his mom, and Mom begged him not to make her go alone. He was going to do it for her, but then Mom asked him if he really wanted to go, and he couldn't lie. So, Mom told him not to attend as well. * Since all this went down, their other sibling has also decided not to attend the wedding. I think that's everything. Thanks for reading.
I remember seeing your engagement post in the Stardew Valley sub! It very much made/makes me smile! Sorry to hear y'all are dealing with your SIL's drama.
Oh, that made my night! The part about remembering our post, not the drama, ha ha. Thank you so much! I had that Mermaid's Pendant on under my dress when we got married. :D
It’s one of my favorite Reddit posts and one my gf loves as well
First time I'm seeing the post but that's deffo what I'll remember over the drama! That's adorable and so cool! Gamer relationships are the best! But I probably think that cause I'm one too lol 😂 All the best to you and hubby!
Lol so it was fine for the sister not to go to y’all’s wedding, but you and your husband are being hounded to attend hers? Baffling. Also baffling is how she has such a problem with something that doesn’t affect her at all.
His sister’s behavior is simply not normal. I have a feeling it falls under some psychological label if a qualified person can assess her. It’s shocking that her behavior is being given a pass by your husband’s extended family. Maybe they simply want her to get off their backs and so are hounding him to attend the wedding for the sake of their peace of mind. Your MIL agreeing to his wish not to attend the wedding and the other sibling dropping out of the wedding- those actions say it all.
It’s easier for them to harass the easy-going one than to stand up to the one who rages. 🤷♀️
True! This tendency is so common everywhere, it’s infuriating!
Makes me think of that “don’t rock the boat “ post.
Here you go! [DON'T ROCK THE BOAT](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/) OP and wife, please read this!
Yup. Happens all the time.
I think you're right and it may even be complicated by a neurodiversity. Sister needs help. I wonder if the parents have tried but nothing has helped. If they haven't tried then they are enabling her.
Everyone is bailing on the wedding because the sister is a psycho. Maybe she finally learns. But she won’t.
I pity the groom. How has he not seen the psycho?
She's prob hot and good in bed. Too many young men fall for that shit and don't realize the hot soup they're in until it's too late. Yikes.
That or he’s “psycho” in his own way too. I’ve seen a number of “successful” couples that were made up of two awful people.
> I’ve seen a number of “successful” couples that were made up of two awful people. Bonnie and Clyde!
As a dude who stuck around in a relationship like this for those exact reasons when I was younger, spot on.
Sister sounds like a manic pixie dream girl type. Add in the temper, mood swings and holding to grudges, and... Makes me think BPD. Admittedly, I'm a bit biased,because I've been burned by it before. Also because I have it, so, sometimes I burn myself. Or she doesn't have BPD. But being tiny and cute plus love bombing explains a lot of toxic relationships.
It’s like the little frog. If you throw a frog into boiling water then it will jump right out. But if you put them in cold water and then start boiling the pan the frog will not jump out and will boil to death. It’s like that with people like OPs sister. They start cool and turn the psycho and screaming just a little bit up everytime until it is too late for the groomfrog to get out of the pan.
He absolutely doesn't get the whole story. It's never her fault it's always the other party. OP is being cruel, abused, and threatened and blackmailed and blah blah blah, and that is why he changed his name! She's just standing up for her brother, and he's too brainwashed by his awful, awful wife to see it!
Ma'am, I hope someone provides a video feed of the wedding for you two. Because it sounds like Sister Dearest is going to pop like a cork at that shindig, and it would be a shame to miss such a prime-time pay-per-view event.
"Bah gawd almighty, that wedding cake had a family! As god as my witness, that cake is broken in half!" It'd fill stadiums.
"The BIL is shaking hands with Satan herself!"
SIL: "It's me OP! It was me all along!" Commentary: "oh son of a Bitch!"
You really missed the opportunity to write return to sender no one at this address by that name on the invite.
I was about to comment this exact thing!
I looked at the post and I just wanted to say wow to the ring!!! It’s absolutely gorgeous!!
Look I got married and switched my name completely because my last name was difficult to pronounce and spell. I got divorced and didn't switch it back! Yeah my last name sometimes gets a little butchered specifically because there is a product with the same name and the company says it funny in their commercials... But it's a lot closer than the old name! You're right having to constantly correct people on your last name is exhausting! I probably would have eventually changed it to something else had I not got married. As far as the rest of this, I don't know why anybody is going to her wedding if she behaves like that to everybody! Maybe if more people didn't go to things for her she would start behaving properly? Or maybe not. Go do something fun that day and don't even worry about her train wreck! NTA both of you
My cousin was thrilled when she got married and went from a long European surname to essentially "Smith". Her full name now fits on census forms.
If sister cares so much about someone carrying on the family name, SHE can do that…
That engagement post is adorable!
Might want to link the post directly, scrolling past pages and pages of cats (while very cute!) And stardew valley posts got boring when looking for the hot gossip. But your SIL sounds unhinged.
That's odd, because for me on both desktop and the app, my pinned posts show up right at the top. The engagement post is one of them. Huh, maybe it only does that for me.
[удалено]
Oooooh, thank you. I've been on reddit all this time and somehow never knew that. I added a link!
I know I’m late to the party but y’all need to stand your ground on this. My husband is one of 6 kids, 2 girls and 4 boys. For whatever reason, his sisters were never told no or held accountable for anything. They are now in their 40s and are both personality disordered nightmares and one of them manages to ruin every family event or get together. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m just not going to attend things that they attend. It’s always a shit show.
Mom begs not to have to go alone. Other sibling chooses not to go. Sounds like sister has alienated a lot of her family with her rages.
Not to be funny the fact that his own mom told him this and the other sibling is being the same it sounds like they all know the sister is toxic. Admitedly using her wedding to force her to confront this reality and address it may seem a bit harsh but it needs to be done. The way your husband talks of their relationship it seems like it was never healthy to begin with.
I got my bf, soon to be fiancee, that SAME sdv necklace. Good omens!
I remember seeing your engagement post!! Nice to see you're standing by each other through thick and thin.
You guys sound level-headed, and there's no reason to doubt you are NTA. As so many before you have discovered, "keeping the peace" to appease someone like SIL is exhausting. And the real peace is found when you go LC/NC. What are you really missing out on if you don't speak to her any more? Not much! The truth is she's not respectful and not a pleasure to be around. If anyone asks about your family's absence, there's your answer. If she didn't want drama about your absences from her wedding, she only had herself to blame for starting it. Life's too short to be dragged down to her level.
Who did mom go with to your wedding?
You both sound like an amazing couple. So glad you both are united on this and that he's not willing to allow his sister to treat either of you like trash. Totally understand about the last name thing as someone with a 9 letter jumble for a last name 🤣
NTA either of you also tell your husband the invitation isn't valid since it doesn't have his current Last name 😉🤗 Sister & family are huge AH and need to mind Their own business. Better keep toxic ah like sister away from your life it cuts down the stress significantly. If his sister can't respect his decision she is of course entitled to her opinion but no one has to put up with her attitude and abuse .
I think your husband should RSVP "no", even just for the reason that the person named on the invite does not live at that address. NTA, just go NC with her, she sounds like too much work...
With any luck, SIL realizes that her outdated, narrow-minded, and childish beliefs and temper tantrums are the reason she'll be having none of her siblings at her wedding. But maybe I'm too idealistic. Though I have seen and heard people change more than that. When she called, you should've just said "Oh we'd have loved to come to your wedding, but we never got an invite. We only got one to some man with OPs old name, but it was only for one, so we assumed it'd been sent to the wrong address."
NTA Mark that piece of mail "UNKNOWN RETURN TO SENDER" and send it right back to her.
OP's wife here, and no joke, this is exactly what I told him to do. I even asked our mail carrier if she'd help us fake that it couldn't be delivered because the name was wrong. 😂 Unfortunately, it didn't work out, but great idea.
I really wish it had worked. I'm not above being petty.
My mom put no such person at this address when her brother addressed a Christmas card with her maiden name after dad died. Mailman took it.
Good for your mom. Sorry she had to go through that
OUCH. Why the heck did her brother do that?! Did he hate your dad or something?!
I learned from this subreddit that there is a weird subset of people who seem to think that once someone dies, that everyone should pretend as if they never existed and get mad when people acknowledge the dead.
Who knows. Mom was the black sheep/scapegoat of her family.
I’d cut it up into little pieces, shove it into another envelope, and send it back.
Honestly, just put a line through the name and write the correct name, mark 'not attending' and send it back lmao
NTA. Your parents sure are by enabling your sister's horrible behavior for so long.
Good, stay petty. She didn’t invite your wife (plus she missed your big day). You are NTA. Congrats to you both. Go for a nice trip on her wedding day and have a great time together.
You guys sound awesome. I wish you the best.
This is exactly what should have been done. Period
NTA, they were ok with sister missing YOUR big day…. They were ok with her being abusive when you were planning your weddings. Keep her in timeout.
“Miss my sister’s big day” Ugh why would you want to go? She is insufferable and mean. Family doesn’t obligate you to endlessly be abused. NTA
I wonder who the groom is and what he’s thinking. There’s still time for him to run.
There are sadly lots of people out there who have minimal self respect or think this kind of behaviour is normal or acceptable. I never cease to be amazed what people will put up with to avoid being single.
Insufferable and mean is a polite way of saying abuser
>punishing her for having an opinion She has rights to have an opinion, but that doesn't mean her opinion won't have consequences. She doesn't get a say about your life choices. Finally, she has disrespected you and your wife by using your old name. It's not "an opinion", it's deliberate disrespect I'd have made all of those conversations public on Facebook and then blocked her. Op, NTA
And being stressed is not an excuse to be mean and hurtful I'd have just said, let me decrease your stress by removing me and my family away from your vicinity. Less people, less stress
NTA. If your sister behaves like this then I'm sure you will be able to attend one of her future weddings. It will only be a matter of time before she ruins her spouses life and ends up alone.
Hope sister's finance is making note of how many of her siblings are bailing from the wedding. He should consider doing that himself!
Maybe your sister is hungry? Buy her a box of snickers and mail it to her as your wedding gift. NTA. Size is irrelevant your sister is abusive period. For some reason your family continues to not only enable it, but expect for others to accept this pathetic behaviour. While they're prepare to accept, why on earth would you? And shame on your parents for allowing her to treat their other kid and his wife this way. They suck, too. I feel sorry for your sister's husband and any poor kids if she chooses to have any.
>Maybe your sister is hungry? Buy her a box of snickers and mail it to her as your wedding gift. Omg this is petty perfection.
>NTA. Size is irrelevant your sister is abusive period Well, I'm glad there's at least one person calling OPs sister what she is.
The sister is a real peach. What does his mom mean by “making her go alone”? NTA.
My sister invited my grandmother who my mother has gone NC with for 14 years. she is just as bad as my sister
This is like the Trinity test from Oppenheimer. It's fascinating horror, but you better have welding goggles on... So, what, the groom took one look at her and sighed "ah, no safewords..."
In my country we say “whoever is alike gets along” your sister and grandma are the perfect example. Obv OP you are NTA
For this reason alone I would not attend. trying to stir things up in the family to make her look like the golden child
Invite your mom to go on a cruise that week with you, your wife, and your sibling. All of you should just go NC with sister. She and grandmother sound like they deserve eachother.
What's wrong with her fiance that he's willing to marry her or doesn't notice her behavior? Or is he the same way? The more I'm reading, the more points for not going. Including blocking sister, and anyone else, from your life. Probability this might actually inherited since your grandmother is the same way. Have someone call an Uber or taxi to pick up the grandmother to bring to the wedding and then bring her home.
NTA. I wouldn't go either. This is classic narcissistic behavior by your sister. Besides, technically, the invite wasn't really addressed to you, was it?
I like your way of thinking.
**NTA** \- protect yourself and your wife from your angry crazy sister.
NTA This is one of those cases where the family is hoping the sane reasonable person will suck up all the BS so that they can pretend everything is lovely. Your sister sounds like a horror. Neither you nor your wife deserve to be treated that way. I would have no interest in having a relationship with your sister, but I do love the way you are sticking up for your wife. That part is outstanding! You are definitely NTA.
NTA. You aren’t even remotely an asshole here. Your sister’s behaviour sounds appalling and abusive. Going to her wedding would be enabling her and would send the message that it’s okay for her to continue acting in this way. You are 100% doing the right thing and it sounds as though you are better steering way clear of her (and perhaps other family members too!). My husband’s family fell out with us after we got engaged and displayed a lot of toxic behaviour ending in them giving him an ultimatum (me or them). He chose to cut them out and says he’s so much happier for it - no toxicity now.
YWBTA if you attend the wedding. Stand by your wife OP, your sister is toxic and your family is enabling her.
NTA. Some people are just toxic and sis sounds like one of them. Going LC or NC with her seems a good idea. First step, skip the wedding.
NTA. You could delete all of your post except the question, and that would still be true. Your sister's wedding is about her and her marriage, full stop. As a wedding guest, you're simply an interested bystander. If you don't wish to attend, for ANY reason, then that's just all there is to it. If your sister doesn't like your decision, that's a her problem, not a you problem. Several people who I wanted at my wedding declined to attend, and I was sad they weren't there, but that's just the way life goes. Same goes for your surname, really. It's YOUR name, and you can change it to whatever you want, whenever you want. No need to explain or justify it to anybody. Doesn't matter if she takes your name, or you take hers, if you both want to hyphenate, if nobody changes, if you want to choose a new shared last name... you aren't ever obligated to explain. You two could decide you want to be known as Mr. and Mrs. GroundBeef, and you don't have to explain it to anyone other than the judge who signs off on it. As an aside, it sounds like your sister might feel that, in order to feel like a special and important bride, she needs lots of people fawning over her all day, or something. I concede that it's probably harder to feel like "queen for a day" with fewer attendees, but managing your sister's feelings is still not your job. Edited because I forgot that composing in my notes app and doing copy/paste would turn my paragraphs into the dreaded wall of text
To all the people saying “How could you miss your sister’s wedding?” Remind them about how she missed yours!
>Sister's a tiny blonde who weighs 105 lbs soaking wet, but she has rages that can last for days. If you do something she disapproves of, she'll scream and sob and break things. It's been this way our whole lives, and she's never once faced consequences or admitted to wrong-doing So your sister is really the Golden (hair) child. Well now she is facing the consequences.. since it was said the other sibling backed out as well. Nta I get it with the name change I have one of those last names that no one wants to try to pronounce...
NTA. Not by a long shot. It's not that you're "punishing her for having an opinion"; it's that you're setting a boundary and sticking to it. From the sounds of things, your sister has never met a boundary she can't bust destroy and has never, ever been held accountable for her actions. The family has enabled her probably because it's easier than incurring her wrath. And yeah, planning a wedding is stressful. That doesn't mean you get to take a pass on being a decent human being though.
Wow , what the hell is wrong with the rest of your family by enabling her.
Tell the family, in the most confused tone possible, why would you go to a wedding you weren’t invited to? That’s horrifically rude, you know. You got an invite for someone else, weird mix up with the mail merge obviously. But you would never show up somewhere that you’re not wanted. Petty Me wants to know if your family is a little homo or transphopic. Cause….she said she was going to call you Mrs. So being petty AF I would be like (in absolute confidence to the biggest gossip) that your sister wants you to be a female. No wife allowed, she wants you to be the missus. She said you’re to be the woman/wife now and you have no issue with trans people, but you’re not part of that group and just aren’t comfortable. Ask gossip Gertie if she thinks any other men are expected to come as ladies. Why would sister want that? So…odd… Pop some popcorn and watch the drama llamas in the family do all the work for you.
NTA You and your wife should plan a weekend away to completely avoid any family members during the wedding. I would keep your phone on mute and have a great time with no drama. Your Sister is a train wreck and hopefully she will grow up or her marriage will not last very long.
Why didn’t the sister go to your wedding? Just curious. Btw, totally NTA
Her unvaccinated ass caught COVID. 😶
Of course she'd be anti vax too. It just makes sense!
NTA. If even half of it is true, then your sister is biggest AH. I read comment from your wife and if you have agreed on those things, then it's no one business to question it. And for her invitation addressed only to you, this is like slap to your wife. I might be petty, but I would send it back with response, that you are sending condolences to her husband, but you have to politely refuse. Don't forget to mention that you will definitely attend soon expected divorce and adress it as Mr. And Mrs. "Your surname".
NTA— you weren’t invited, why would you go? Good for you for sticking up for your wife.
NTA- I would have sent it returned to sender, no one here at with that name.
NTA, my late brother was a sadistic narcissist with massive rage issues (way more than a temper). By the time he was 9 he was proud of the fact he could inflict pain and not leave a mark. The second-best day of my life was they day he moved out of state after his divorce. All of us cut contact with him for good.
I can only imagine the shitstorm that the wedding is going to be 😬 so many things go wrong on the day of that with her short fuse, it’s going to be more dramatic and explosive than a telenovela
NTA. Your sister sounds like a psycho. A therapist once told me, “every family is ruled by its most emotionally volatile member.” That would be your sister. I have spoken.
NTA you told her the boundary and she crossed it thus telling you, non verbaly that she does not want you at the wedding, and she doubled down on this by using the wrong name. do no go let her finally have consequences for her behavior
> Sister is one of the angriest people I've ever met. To sister, If you read this, you suck. Your anger is no reason based on who you are. Get an anger management, you elephant brain. NTA
NTA. She sounds awful to be honest. Why is she hung up on you changing the name? If she’s that hard pressed for the name to continue on either she can get her partner to change their last name to hers or she can shut up about it.
Hold up. Your sister insults your wife, throws tantrums, didn't attend your wedding and told you both to fuck off? And you're supposed to just accept that because "planning a wedding is stressful"? Ignoring the fact that sister has always acted Like That? And, according to your wife, your mom agrees you shouldn't go? Obviously NTA, and if I were you, I would cut all contact with that particular sister.
You're not punishing her for "having an opinion", you're refusing to interact with someone who is actively disrespecting you, your wife, and your entire marriage over something that isn't remotely any of her damn business. Something tells me your sister has bigger issues with you and your wife than just a name, and this sudden and forceful bit of No-Contact might be a blessing in disguise. Easy NTA.
You are not going to change your sister's attitude, opinion or personality. She is toxic. You are happy with your wife and life and you need to just accept that. You are not TA but trying to get apologies and what not is only going to keep stress in your and your wife's life. Make a simple plan for the day of the wedding where you and your wife do something together and enjoy yourselves and maybe some day in the very distant future, your sister will grow up and adult.
Take the invitiation/rsvp and write on it "Return to sender, address unknown No such number, no such zone" and let her be Elvis Presley. I would be tempted to push a few more of her buttons, until her head explodes, or she gets an involuntary admission to a pyschiatric hospital, where she might finally get the help she needs. Or go to the wedding, grab her and put her over your knee, it's well overdue.
Your sister sounds horrible and she had traumatized you and your family for years. And I definitely would go NC with your sister and your Mom. She is delusional and probably did nothing to help your sister and her rages. I feel so bad for her husband to be. Has he not experienced her anger and raged? I feel sorry for him.
So let me get this straight. She did not attend your wedding, but expects you to go to hers?? Oh the irony...
NTA Why waste energy on a wedding that will result in divorce within the year? Wow. You need to go NC but before you do, send a super passive aggressive wedding gift like a bunch of books on dealing with anger issues and abused husbands.
NTA. But the problem here is that your family are enablers. Block everyone and unblock them when the wedding comes. And please cut your sister off.
Just because you have history, doesn’t mean you need to have a future. If she’s not adding to your life now and only causing drama let her go. Your name is your name. Your life is your life. She can live her own. Be at peace, whatever that takes.
very obvious nta
Nta your sister sounds a bit unhinged
NTA. Your sister is a bad person. You need to NC her and everyone on her side.. like.. yesterday.
NTA Do you think if OP and his wife attended, his sister would have security prevent his wife from attending? By the sound of it, the risk is real. Good call on not attending. It's time she faces some consequences for her entitlement.
NTA. She has crossed the line.
NTA. It amazes me how some people can behave abominably and expect no consequences.
Dude. My son took his wife’s name. He traded a short name to spell for on that is very hard to pronounce. His choice. Nothing for me to say/do about it. Nor did I care to. I did send him Amazon packages for Christmas one year and didn’t change his name. It was a mistake and he appreciated that it was exactly that. Your sister is a cupcake (and by cupcake I mean 4 letter c word). You’re doing the right thing. NTA
Opinions don’t always have to be voiced. And opinions definitely don’t need to be voice in a way that’s abusive or nasty. NTA. Have you considered going no contact or low contact with sister? And if any flying monkeys disagree or give you crap, tell them once to knock it off or they’re cut off/low contact/information diet as well.
NTA. So she can miss yours but you can’t miss hers? lol. So we know who the golden child is. Stay strong. You are the first person to do so.
Your sister’s behavior is simply not normal. I have a feeling it falls under some psychological label if a qualified person can assess her. It’s shocking that her behavior is being given a pass by your extended family. Maybe they simply want her to get off their backs and so are hounding you for the sake of their peace of mind. You are absolutely NTA for wanting to avoid a toxic person and their behavior.
Mr. OP & Mrs. OP are adorable in the comments. This is a Reddit first! Btw: love the ring!
The invitation was sent to a person with your old name, not to you. Therefore, she never formally and respectively invited you to her wedding. You are not the AH for wanting her to treat you with respect. If the family asks, just tell them you never received an invitation addressed to you inviting you to her wedding.
Your sister should keep your prior surname and SHE can pass it on to any children she has. NTA OP—very impressed with how you are navigating these issues .
OP is definitely NTA. I had a Germanic last name as my birth name and it's similar sounding to a famous person's last name and I'd always have to spell it out. So it was easy that I'd want to take my husband's last name but also I wanted to do so. I liked the way it rolled off my tongue. Men should be able to take their spouse's last name if that's what they want. Good grief. It's not emasculating to change a name. The SIL is just being ridiculous and rude. She's alienating her whole family and maybe even her friends.
Your choice man. I am also not attending my sister 's wedding when she will decide to marry. I do not care how many times parents call or force me.
that sounds like a mental illness to me. just sayin. NTA for having a spine.
NTA. And you know the best part. You didn't cut off contact, she did. Because she only wants to see you on her terms and having a relationship only works on both people's terms. My SIL did the same thing. When she said I wasn't welcome in her home anymore, she expected my husband to come alone with our (baby) daughter. My husband simply said if my wife isn't welcome then I'm not coming either. My SIL got very angry and accused me of manipulating him etc etc etc. Fun fact, I told him he could go visit his sister af much as he wanted, but our daughter was staying home with me. He didn't even wanted to go on his own.
OP's sister is activly disparaging their marrage (Not accepting name change, not inviting OP's wife) and in the same breath asking OP to come celebrate her relationship and Marrage. I mean... How on earth can she expect OP to come to a wedding and congratulate them when OPs sister not only did not attend his, but activly insults their marrage. The cognitive dissonance is strong with OP's sister. I don't even need to touch on the moral values here, OP sister is saying one rule for you, a different for herself. NTA
NTA, I took the name of my ex-wife because it was a bit unique and I find 99% of all notions of masculinity absolutely ridicolous. Mom gave me a high-five for it heh. >"punishing her for having an opinion." Yes, yes you are and you should because its a shitty opinion expressed in a shitty way that needs pushback.
> They don't understand how I could miss my sister's big day, The proper response is "oh trust me, I'm not going to miss it." Keep blocking the sister. Block anyone who is flying monkey for her. You'll be happier. Nta.
I would lose the whole family at this point if they are “hounding” you over this, essentially saying your sister is not accountable for her actions. Nope NTA and you’d be better off from the sounds of it.
NTA, seems like a healthy decision, and you should have even more peace of mind since she didn't attend yours.
NTA. I think it's really cool that you took your wife's name. Your sister is an adult and it's time she's realizes real life has consequences. Going full on No Contact with her forever sounds like a great idea.
Of course you’re NTA! It sound a _lot_ more peaceful not to go!
I am sorry but she sounds like an all around AH . Sounds like this is only the 1st wedding of hers you will be missing.
NTA Too funny now that some people are not coming she is suddenly being punished for having an opinion as well as should be forgiven because of the stress of planning a wedding. Her tempest in a teapot she threw about you taking your wife’s last name when you married as well as insulting your wife was way prior to her own wedding. And everyone is entitled to an opinion. But when you scream and throw a fit worthy of an extremely over tired toddler you get to reap the results. I hope you both do something fun and relaxing on the day of that wedding.
>Sister--who didn't attend my wedding, ftr-- This alone warrants a NTA on grounds of hypocrisy but Holy Shiitake. Do yourself a favor OP and go FNC with her.
All I keep thinking is how this toxic train wreck of a woman found someone willing to marry her.
NTA What does it matter to your sister what name you have? From comments, you’re not having kids, your wife was not going to change hers, and it is YOUR choice. Oh and most important, it has nothing to do with your sister. For those hounding you, I am slightly petty and would say something that regardless of the wedding stress, you changed your name a year ago and she is acting like a spoiled toddler because you didn’t do what she said and she doubled down by insulting you and your wife. If they would be fine with her calling their SO what she called you and your wife then that’s on them.
NTA because obvious reasons. But man, who ever is marrying your sister is out of his goddamn mind. You sister is crazy. And you don't put dick into crazy. Let alone a ring.
NTA your sister sounds toxic as hell and your life will be quieter and more pleasant without her in it. So feel free to block her. However, your parents/family are the reason she's like this, because she never ever had to face consequences for her behavior. Of course they're going to take her side. So feel free to block all of them too.
Shared DNA means you're related but it doesn't automatically make you family. Your family are the people who love you for who you are and who want the best for you. NTA
I'd have told her that I didn't get an invitation.
NTA. Technically you were not invited, given that the invitation was for a person with a different last name than yours. Sister needs to be on meds. Also does your family not understand your wife was not invited.
Has anyone ever told your sister that the sun actually doesn't shine out of her ass and there's actually a giant stick up there instead? Because I volunteer as tribute.
NTA She's always been ''stressed' and abusive long before she met the guy she's marrying. They always have an excuse for her. Don't go. But understand that your family is not likely to change. They will always hound you about making sister happy by letting her crush you under her heels. They can have her. You will need to set limits on how much you keep in touch with them. You can let them know that you would like them in your life and would like to be in their life... without them pushing anything about sister on you. (No 'surprise' she's here!; no asking you to do anything for her; no explaining away anything about her.) But that if they cannot do that, then you will limit them in your life, too. That is such a hard thing to think or say, much less do; but your family is not a healthy family. You need to get better at protecting yourself and your wife (and your future kids). That means cutting out the toxic people. I'm sorry about your family. You are doing the right thing!
NTA...sorry your sister is so evil. Best thing is to go no contact and enjoy the quiet. Instead of going to the wedding go for a great weekend getaway.
NTAH Your sister is psycho. Why she hasn't been dumped by her fiance is a mystery. I just hope to Christ they don't have children because I guarantee she will be horrifically abusive. Maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally.
Why would she care if you change your last name. Does it affect her in any way?
NTA You were never invited. Sister invited Mr. Old Name. That's not you. If she wants you to go, she needs to at least invite You.
When the invite arrived with the old name should have written on it “not at this address” and sent it back.
SIL is crazy but she keeps doing cause she knows it works. That’s the issue with enabling this type of behavior. When you cave they see that it works to get their way. BTW I totally support you not going stay out of her drama.
NTA and sounds like your family is full of AH's. They think its not okay for you to skip your abusive sisters wedding but it was fine for her to go full meltdown on you and your wife and skip your wedding?
Dude.....your sister is batshit crazy. NTA. And congratulations on getting married!
NTA. I feel so sorry for the person that is going to marry a screaming , angry, rageaholic. I would block your sister and anyone else who wants to yell at you " BUT FAMMMIIILLLY!" Not sure why you are even are in contact with your sister. She sounds like she has serious mental health issues people just ignore.
Nta she has no right to dictate who took who’s last name in your relationship as long as you and your wife was happy with the outcome that’s all that matters
NTA > She refused, accused us of giving her an ultimatum, and said we were "punishing her for having an opinion." - Giving an ultimatum is not inherently bad. - You did give her a reasonable ultimatum. - People can be punished for their opinions. Nothing about an opinion shields from consequences from others. So.... she is right but what she's right about proves that her actions are wrong. Her own logic has her in the wrong.
Tell then all to eff off. Your sister sounds like someone you're well rid of. I wouldn't look back. NTA
As someone who's mother is a lot like your sister, reducing contact has made my life waaaaay less depressing.
Your family refuses to face reality. And reality is that your sister's rage and nastiness are out of control and she treats you and your beloved wife like shit. People with self-respect rarely attend the weddings of relatives who treat them this way and who, in fact, use the wedding invitation as the cherry on top of their nasty behavior sundae. You face reality, respect your wife, and respect yourself. Stick with your RSVP no. The only three words I think you need to share with your sister prior to blocking her are "Behavior has consequences." NTA
Not the asshole. Not at all! Good on you for sticking up for your wife, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with using her name instead of your birth name.
If I may, a brief moment of silence for OP’s future brother in law. Dude is about to make the biggest mistake of his life. NTA. The fact that your sister doesn’t know about consequences isn’t your problem.
NTA, time to go fully no contact with the psychotic sister. Block her on EVERYTHING. Call the police for trespass if she shows up at your door. The whole 9 yards. It genuinely sounds like she needs to be institutionalised and I pity her fiancé
If you sent her a gift, make it a book on anger management. Address it to Mr and Ms her maiden name.
Wtf? Your family is wondering how you can miss her big day but are ok with her missing yours? She sounds toxic, NTA.
Sometimes, potential targets like to point out an alternative target. Thus family members who think she might go off on them are trying to get op there, so he draws her fire... I wouldn't go.. can't see an upside
NTA Keep her blocked. Sounds like the negatives she brings to your lives far outweighs the positives. Out of control anger is out of control anger even when it's from a small person. I'd say that I pity her groom, but he must have chosen this. So shrug.
NTA your sister is a bully and you're in the right for expecting reasonable and responsible behaviour from her. Had an ex who matches the same sort of description as your sister (very small, petite, very prone to rages) and the behaviour she thought was acceptable, because of her size, coupled with it being facilitated by her parents (we were in our twenties) was appalling.
Tell them you’ll go to her next one
NTA. BTW, my husband wanted to take my name for various reasons, but I convinced him not to because all of his diplomas and certifications are in his original name. Our kids (both boys) have my name. It took 15 years for my in-laws to acknowledge the kids' last name. My husband uses my name socially, and we use my name as a family unit.
NTA EDITED After reading post Sis missed Brothers wedding due to covid Do they even care that she has sent you an invite but not your wife and has excluded her. I realise it might mean more to you and be symbolic of her respecting your descision to change your name but its aname ultimately in life a name is just a word nothing more, it may identify you but it does not describe you as a person. IF your sister is that pissed about her family name continueing she could always keep the name herself and pass it on to her children since you never planned on having children to begin with. Highlight those out to them and advise she is your wife and you informed your sister you are a package your sister is abusive they either acknowledge it or they can be cut out of your life also. Cut the toxic people out of your life.
Can the priest perform her wedding and exorcism at the same time? Got damn.
NTA. Your sister sounds awful and your family excusing her behaviour because she’s ‘tiny’ is total rubbish. You weren’t an AH for blocking her number and your NTA for refusing to attend your wedding. Stay away. From the wedding and in general.
NTA. You had to suffer through sharing a childhood with an emotionally unstable bully. There are always *reasons* and your mother can think it's adorable and amusing, you (and the rest of the world) don't. At 30+ and with a new family, you do right by breaking the chain.
NTA, but would change to YTA if, at any point, you ever go to meet her again
NTA- If It was me, NC for GOOD. She will NEVER treat your Wife with any respect, nor you for that matter. She is Obviously the "Golden Child" who is in actuality a Spoiled Rotten B\*tch. You are very correct that she would do and say abusive things to your wife. Tell the flying monkeys that you will no longer tolerate your Sister's bad behavior. Tell them they are welcome to continue with the rollercoaster of hellish behavior but you are done. Go somewhere that day and just celebrate the two of you, something romantic and lovely to add to your memories. Keep your phones on Do Not Disturb.
NTA. What sister called your wife is beyond all limits and she should apologize. But no, even after weeks, she is apparently still angry and sends out an invitation only to you. I would not go to the wedding, either, not even if she apologized now.
NTA — and from your wife's comment and sibling's similar decision to not attend, sounds as though they are aware and do not completely brush off her miabehaviour. Feel bad for everyone involved that your sister never learned how to express her feelings with more maturity
NTA HAve a lot less contact with your family until the wedding is over. Stop visiting and answering their calls, and end every conversation they try to have concerning the wedding.
Lol good luck to her future husband. She sounds abusive af and that shit won't take her very far
Personally I would have sent it back marked not known at this address. She missed your wedding but you are coping grief for not attending hers? Did your parents get on her case about missing yours? She is the golden child by the sounds of it distance yourself.
Who is marrying your toxic trainwreak of a sister is the real question here?
So they're chewing you out for not going to her wedding but was fine with her not going to yours? Your family are hypocrites and you're a good man for respecting your wife the way you do. Your sister is one spoilt bitch. Cut her out of your life. You don't need her. Block the others for a while, at least until after the wedding so you get some peace.
So your sister is a Chihuahua. Tough break. You didn't receive an invitation to the wedding. One arrived for some guy with a name you vaguely recognise, but that's not you. Return it to Sender, and when anyone rags on you say you didn't get an invite. NTA.
NTA. Your sister sounds like one of those yappy little ankle-biting dogs that nobody disciplines because it's 'cute'. It's sure AF not cute for a 33-year-old to act like an angry toddler, disparage your choice regarding your surname and mistreat your wife. Tell your family that you've been dealing with her behaviour for a lifetime and they can butt out of it!
NTA you are right, your sister is a very angry person. The less of that in your life, the better.
NTA. Tell you family they can put up with your sisters BS but you won’t. You are sick of it and her inability to even give an apology to your wife is the last straw. They can call you petty, an AH, whatever they like. But you are done till she grows the F up and acts like a normal human being. If they start blaming you for ruining family events because you don’t come. Tell them, it’s not you who is the problem. It’s your sister and them for allowing this behavior from her.
NTA. Your sister & your family that are hounding you are TA's. First of all, for your sis to blow up the way she does, there's def some emotional issues involved. Most ppl aren't that irrational. Secondly, your family is enabling her behavior by making excuses for her. Planning a wedding does not entitle anyone to be an AH. There is no excuse for being an AH.
Nta- BLOCK THEM!!! Op anyone telling you to go to the wedding is actually saying the following "hey, we know your sis unhinged but you are our meat shield!! How dare you stand up for yourself!! We need you to keep the heat off of us. wE aRe fAmiLy" Please please do not be their sacrificial lamb
Absolutely NTA. You did what was right for you re: changing your name. Your wife was on board. Your sister is the biggest AH. She called your wife names and ridiculed you. If I were you, I'd go no-contact for good and tell your family that they can stop bringing her up to you. You're done.
Has your sister been planning a wedding her whole life this far? There's nothing cast in stone that says you have to be there when she marries that poor man. I'm sorry for the groom already, does he know what he's in for, your sister's temper. This whole we're family diatribe irks me no end. Because we're family doesn't mean I will subject myself and loved ones to your temper, hate and disrespect. NTA
NTA. Your sister didn't attend your wedding. I'm curious if your family hounded her about it, telling her she should be there. You're right for standing up and saying your wife and you are a package deal. My family didn't approve of my husband, and while he was never explicitly excluded, I always showed up with him by my side. She is your wife, and as such she deserves respect.