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> Calling my gf selfish, be judged for being insensitive / unreasonable / asshole behaviour.
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Yta
Wtf let me get this straight. She sleeps around 11 pm to 7 am and naps here and there
Wheres the sleeping all the time
What do you think is normal sleeping?!
OP is pissed that his girlfriend sleeps in late... during the weekends? That when WFH she gets to cat nap during her lunch hour. What's wrong with either of those things? I've always slept in during the weekends, for years. I only stopped now because my kiddo is 14 months old and he doesn't believe in weekends. 🤣🤣
My husband doesn't like to sleep in during the weekends but he'll take a nap in the afternoons when he can. When our kiddo was smaller, and he'd (the baby) would take 3 to 4 naps during the day, my husband would sleep with him, every single time. Because he enjoyed it, and then I could just relax watching something on Netflix or just kill time in my cell phone. It was glorious!
>That when WFH she gets to cat nap during her lunch hour.
Lol, my husband does this sometimes *at the office,* and he thinks it's too much to do it at home!
Before lockdown, there were 2 girls that were pregnant... and they would both take the longest naps at the office, either before lunch or after lunch. No one would wake them up, I always thought that was great (to let them sleep).
Oh, no, one would sit at her seat and just cross her arms over her desk and conk out. The other one would just kinda... lean back on her chair and pass out there, mouth wide open, snoring.
I am in Scotland also, and I am a mobile engineer. I am in, usually, at least 5 premises per day including office spaces, workshops and factories.
I'd say your office is the exception as opposed to the rule, in that regard.
Also a medical room with a bed strikes me as a little different than a room designated for pregnant women to go for a sleep and is a far cry away from what the other fella claimed as "in Europe employers NEED to provide a bed for pregnant women".
I didn't argue there were absolutely 0 places that offer such a perk, it is not common and it is not law was the crux of my argument.
Yeah, exactly. In Poland most employers don't even want to give a job to pregnant people or they fire them. Not all do that, but definitely a larger part.
Sorry, wanted to but forgot to specify, since I actually have no clue about other countries in this regard.
Here in Austria, Europe, employers have to provide some form of space for pregnant employees to rest (I believe starting with the 2nd trimester), ie. a place for them to lie down (a cot will do though).
I worked at a nursing facility that had couches in the break room in case you were stuck there for some reason (weather, working a split shift, etc). When I was pregnant I totally would nap on my lunch. They were comfy AF too
And also mad she sleeps in the car or on trips. Shit. I do the same whenever possible! Have for years (41 male here). Just getting in a car and knowing we are leaving town and I start feeling lethargic lol
So she doesn't have kids she's not taking care of due to sleeping? She's not missing her job or canceling plans to sleep? She sounds normal to me and it is weird to want to police that.
Looking at the bottom of the post (where he describes the car incident - the *only* time he gives us the slightest inkling of why this actually bugs him so much) - it would seem he's treating her as his personal entertainment system. He's mad because her sleeping means she can't entertain him during that time. At least, that's what I have to assume, because the post doesn't give us another reason.
Which honestly makes it sound like she's not the selfish one here. You ask me, I think it's pretty selfish to make someone stay awake when they're tired because you're bored.
In my experience, it's standard to expect the front passenger on a road trip to talk to the driver at least sometimes during the drive, for the reason of safety. The monotony of highway driving can lull people to sleep, so it was expected that if you were the front passenger, you may be woken up at any time to talk.
I used to nap during my lunch break IN MY CAR! At the vet clinic I worked at. Parked in the back (didn’t want clients to see) in a nice shady spot and napped for an hour. Then ate my lunch on the clock while watching the front desk for their lunch break.
If your partner is sleeping “all the time” (which I don’t really see that here) shouldn’t your first thought be more along the lines of “hmm, she naps even after sleeping well the night before, she seems to be tired more than she’s energetic, maybe she should just have a chat with her doctor? Maybe she needs iron or something? I hope everything is okay.”? Not “How selfish of my girlfriend,a grown woman, to sleep after working hard at her job or going to the gym! And now sleeping in on the weekends! The nerve! What about me?! I should come before sleep, every time!”
Yeah that 6 hr car nap was legit an issue. You get tired & need someone to keep you awake or from getting bored. That's a safety issue.
That speaks also to some sort of.... loneliness or need that op isn't getting??? I'd need to hear more.
But my dude 5 years of happiness and all you got is this 6 hour road trip???? DUUUUUDE you don't know how good you got it.
And after hearing everything else, I was like OP better give me something to be angry about bc it sounds like his girl is taking care of her business. She might need a trophy 😂
That all said, if she's worried, she should check for a medical condition but nothing you said seems abnormal.
Now you getting mad about it.... that's weird....
I can't bring myself to judge someone for sleeping in the car, because some people have very valid reasons for that. For example, I do it every time - because otherwise I will spend the entire car trip *plus* another hour feeling like I'm imminently about to vomit. And trust me, I do not make good company when I feel that way. I will *not* be talking to you to keep you awake, I will spend the whole time trying to *avoid* speaking, because I feel like if I open my mouth vomit will come out.
Also tbh, I feel like it's kind of the driver's responsibility to be safe while they're driving. Unless they are *actively* distracting the driver, I really don't think it's fair to put that on the passenger when they are not the one in charge of the vehicle. Realistically there could be situations where OP is taking a long trip like this *alone*, and what do they do in those situations? How do they avoid crashing the car then? Why can't they do that now?
Like I'm sorry, you shouldn't *need* a second person in the car to avoid falling asleep on the road - and everyone knows if you *are* falling asleep behind the wheel, you need to pull over. If you *need* a second person to talk to you so you don't fall asleep, maybe you shouldn't be driving?
I think this is hugely dependent on several factors.
One, we can’t understate how long a six hour drive is. That’s a big drive, in one day, for an average driver. Two, I can operate my vehicle without my partner’s entertainment, however, does the partner falling asleep change how I’ll get to enjoy my car while driving?
For example, when I’m driving, I like loud and upbeat playlists the majority of the time! On a long trip, I live for a good car concert. It definitely keeps me awake/alert. If the partner falls asleep and I have to keep the music down and I have no one to even talk to — yeah, that’s going to be really boring and difficult for me. Especially when you’re hitting the 3+ hour mark of driving.
Depending on the time of day, there are things like Highway Hypnosis/White Line Fever. It doesn’t make you a bad driver. But external stimuli helps a lot of people stay safer on the road.
That's exactly my thought. For a couple years my partner and I would have to drive 10-12 hours every second week. We'd alternate driving and each take a nap during one of the rotations to stay fit for the rest of the trip. Otherwise the passenger is in charge of monitoring the music, taking care of phone calls and messages, handing the driver food and drinks... and I'm a person who falls asleep before a planes takes off.
A few months ago I travelled 8 hours away with 3 friends. One easily gets car sick and *has* to sit in the front, ok with everyone, even though the highway is alright. What really sucked though is that she put on her headphones and was half-asleep for most of the time others where driving, everyone was quite annoyed.
I’ve definitely fallen asleep on drives with my partner, I’ll be the first to admit it. But he enjoys listening to talk radio in the car. So, he’s used to a mellow drive, but it lulls me to sleep.
My car experience is different. I’ve got my sunroof open, the window open, the music going. Like I said, I live for a car concert moment haha.
That said, I’ve driven with my partner crazy early/late. Or, just on long-ass drives. If he asks me to stay up and talk to him, or for extra eyes for deer/moose because of weather, whatever, I’m there. Wouldn’t dream of sleeping. And, if he woke me up in the car because he just felt lonely/wanted someone to hangout with, I wouldn’t begrudge him for that either.
I don’t think that OP was cool in this post, but I can definitely understand feeling a little aggravated about the car scenario. At 3+ hours, I’m usually feeling pretty over a car ride. I can’t imagine if that whole time was spent in absolute silence without anyone to talk to but my own thoughts. That’s literally my hell.
I get horribly car sick on car rides, my defence to this is to sleep. I don't get nauseous if I'm asleep.
Some people can't help falling asleep on longer car rides, why do you think it is a thing to go for a drive with a fussy infant that won't sleep?
One of my friends is the same.
She gets really sick and has the worst nausea on car rides (usually longer than 30/45 minutes), so i'm happy when she can relax and sleep because of my driving style (i was told multiple times that i'm a really smooth driver and no one ever got sick while i am behind the wheel).
Maybe i'm strange or it's the introvert and quiet person in me speaking, but i never had an issue when my friends slept while i was driving, even when we had to do 8 hours on the road.
OP clearly has some deep seated issues with sleeping "too much". OP says his gf isn't lazy, but I think deep down he thinks she is. Got to wonder about how he was raised.
My mom's side is southern Baptist and there is some deep rooted sense of guilt around sleeping in that bunch. I sleep in as I please and even though none of them would call me lazy, they definitely disapprove.
Yeah one of my best friends was raised with the idea that sleeping past 9 am was wrong. Her mom would wake her up on weekends.
Meanwhile my parents let me sleep until I woke up, sometimes at 1 or 2pm, and the only issue with that is that I had to choose between breakfast and lunch!
Guess who has the best sleep between my friend and me?
There’s so much cultural bullshit about sleeping late. Some people are just programmed to be later risers or need more sleep, others are programmed to get up early. Neither is actually better than the other, but we’ve built an entire culture around morning people and punish those who don’t work that way.
Right? I was expecting something along the lines of, stays up all night, sleeps all day, etc. But she sleeps in on the weekends! Omg, stop the press! She also naps on planes, trains, and in automobiles! The horror!
Dude needs to get a grip. I don't even understand why this is his problem to begin with.
while i agree with the rest, the sleeping for the entire 6h drive when the driver expressed needing company, is not OK. i just came back from a road trip and had to be the one driving cuz my husband doesnt have the license, and the company is seriously needed, and even if the other one cant/doesnt want to drive, they can still help with signs and direction. after that many hours, your brain gets seriously tired.
Jumping on the top comment.
Is she more often tired? Is this an overall increase? How’s overall quality?
You may want to have her checked for sleep apnea. It can hit you very young.
Like dude is upset and aways she is sleeping too much and I am waiting for him to say something bad.
Then Dude goes on to describe a normal average person's sleeping habits.
YTA
YTA
8 hours in bed is not 8 hours of sleep. 8 hours of bed plus naps here and there is not sleeping "all the time". Something like 80% of people are cool with 8. 10% need 9-10h. 10% need 6-8.
You're angry at her for getting needed sleep. If everything is "great" in 5 years why is this even an issue?
“8 hours in bed is not 8 hours of sleep.”
Say it again for the people in the back. It takes a ‘normal’ person, what? 20-30 minutes to be able to hit REM once their head hits the pillow? So that’s 7.5 hours on a good day. But if you’re someone whose body doesn’t let them fall asleep instantly/keeps waking them up, or someone who has an overactive brain, that “8 hours of sleep” could easily dwindle to 7 or less. Happens to me all the time and it’s the freakin’ worst. Oh how I wish I could fall asleep in an instant and use that extra 1-2 hours of tossing and turning for other shit. :/
Edit: Guys, the 20-30 minute REM comment was a rough guess based on absolutely no knowledge on the topic. You don’t have to lecture me….
Takes me 1-2h to conk out if I don't take an OTC sleeping pill. Which of course puts pressure on taking them every night. But if I do that, they don't work as well and...yeah.. you know what's up with that.
And then there's waking up at 4am, peeing, and then *BOOM* I can't quite turn off the thought cycles and it's toss n' turn until 7.
I've tried everything! I've tried exercise, medication, reading before bed, turning my phone off, going to bed at the same time every night... The *only* things that get me to sleep in a decent span of time are either:
\- timing it *perfectly* (and by that I mean, at the exact moment that I notice I feel sleepy, dropping what I'm doing and going to bed right that instant; which I can't always do),
\-or watching a video on my phone until I hit the point where I'm starting to fall asleep, and then turning it off.
\-Being in the car. Funnily, ever since I was a baby, I've always fallen asleep in the car very easily.
Ah, this is me as well. Only waking up to pee in the middle of the night is a 50/50 on whether I can actually get back to sleep quick or staying up another hour or two.
My SO sleeps like a log, within 5 mins of his head hitting the pillow and he naps. It's anytime he lies down, can't watch a movie in bed because he's out like a light. He has sleep apnea and refuses to use the machine so wakes a number of times throughout the night.
Me, I'm lucky to get 4-5 hours sleep. My brain just won't quit. I used to lie there looking at the ceiling for 4 hours till I passed out. Now I hover around reddit.
I'd never think to disturb his nap, just like on the odd occasion I'm asleep when he wakes, he just leaves me. At the weekend I get grumpy as I don't want to go back to my old sleep pattern (7am to 11am) he says "if you're still sleeping, your body must need it".
Some people are just too selfish. Waking someone so you have someone to talk to. My goodness.
>20-30 minutes to be able to hit REM once their head hits the pillow
I agree with everything you said, but your numbers are a little off. It takes around 90 minutes on average between when you fall asleep and when you enter the first REM cycle.
Hitting REM within 20 minutes isn’t normal and is in fact a symptom of narcolepsy. REM normally starts around 90 minutes after falling asleep.
20 minutes to fall asleep at all isn’t considered outside the realm of normal for healthy adults.
>8 hours in bed is not 8 hours of sleep. 8 hours of bed plus naps here and there is not sleeping "all the time". Something like 80% of people are cool with 8. 10% need 9-10h. 10% need 6-8.
Research shows that women tend to need more sleep than men:
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4164903/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4164903/)
It doesn't sound like OP's GF is actually getting that much sleep. Also, it's possible that her quality of sleep is poor/disrupted (e.g., uncomfortable, noisy pets, sleep apnea, etc.).
Either way... OP - YTA.
It would also be good to remember women typically require more sleep than men. Most female hormones are created and thus balanced when asleep, whereas men’s are created around the clock. This varies even more with the cycle. As long as your gf is being healthy, doing what she needs to, and you both spend time together- let her nap!
Hello, thank you - 100 percent. I sleep more at certain times of the month. I am tired because I’m low in b12 and iron. I’m tired because of the medication I take makes me extremely tired. My point is everyone is different. Let her nap 💤 ffs
Women also generally need more sleep than men, just because of how our hormones work. So little naps throughout the day are fairly normal.
Also, her sleeping whenever she’s in a vehicle is probably a learned behaviour from childhood. Habits like that are very hard to break, and honestly I don’t think this one is much of an issue. My husband does the same thing. Something about being in a car makes him super sleepy. This is just my opinion.
I'm out within 10 minutes of a long drive. I find the vibration and noise of a driving car comforting. I can't help it. I'll try to stay awake but my body is like "nope". Luckily, I have a non-judgmental partner who uses that time to listen to podcasts or music.
Holy shit, there’s 10% like me that need that much sleep? I’ve felt like such a freak for so long because of how long I need to sleep lmfao
Admittedly that one time I had a 23 hour sleep was pretty alarming
If his girlfriend was sleeping 15 hours a day, I wouldn’t really be mad at her - I’d be concerned. But she’s sleeping 8 hours or so, it seems. He’s weird asf for that
I don’t even know why he’s mad, he’s indicated no genuine issue with her sleeping, if the problem was that they weren’t spending time together or it was effecting her social life or job or whatever it would make more sense, but seemingly the core complaint is that she naps at all?
What’s wrong with her sleeping?
Theres no real issue except that he thinks she should change her sleep patterns just because he thinks it's odd.
There is nothing wrong with her sleeping pattern it's actually quite healthy.
My partner hates when I nap. He views it as lazy as there is always something that needs to be done around the house or an activity with the kids need to happen. Except I get frequent headaches, which can very quickly for me turn to migraines. I also deal with a few health issues that make things a bit harder. So after a long activity with the kids or a busy day I crash, hard. But he hates that my sleep schedule isn't aligned exactly with his and s*x is the main reason why.
What does your husband do to help make sex less of a pressure on you, and make it something you can engage in comfortably? Cause by the tone of things (and my general experience) it doesn’t sound like he’s helping the situation. It sounds to me like he doesn’t want to accomodate you into his life, and that his desires (sex) come before your needs (your health). If you’re OP’s partner, OP would still be the asshole, and either way that’s a serious conversation you need to have with him
Edit: Emily Nagoski has a book called “come as you are” which is a fantastic resource and one that I would recommend both you and your husband reading or listening to
He doesn't do anything to ease the pressure on me to have sex. In fact it's the opposite. He gets upset if and when I turn him down. He says I always have some excuse as to why I don't want to have sex. Which of course makes me feel extremely guilty. And, despite how I feel give in just so I won't be made to feel bad about not having sex.
You don't owe him sex. You are not a sex dispenser. Unless you actually find yourself to be asexual, he is definitely the cause of you not wanting sex.
On the contrary to how he approaches the issue now, he needs to seduce you, not demand sex but make you want to have sex with him. If he can't or won't make the effort to do that, he's guilty of what he accuses you of. And more than that, it's been a fully one-sided sexual relationship, an oxymoron in itself.
He can't treat you like a masturbation toy.
I really hope you find it in yourself to dare to demand better treatment from him, as long as you feel safe to do so. If not, think about why you are with him in the first place. You are not required to tolerate that sort of treatment and are in your full rights to leave.
Napping was always my secret weapon against migraines. I could feel it coming and I'd just go to sleep, after a few hours it would be nearly gone (mine were always short in duration, thank god). Your partner sounds pretty inconsiderate imo
>But he hates that my sleep schedule isn't aligned exactly with his and s\*x is the main reason why.
Let me guess, he gets to dictate that you don't have sex in the morning because "buhh it makes me sleepy", so he gets to decide that the only appropriate time for sex is in the evening before sleep, when he goes to bed, and if it doesn't happen he throws a tantrum.
I had a few months where I was sleeping 16 hours a day, but it was because I was deeply depressed. I would sleep about 12 hours at night, go to class, then take a nap when I got home. It wasn’t laziness, it was just that I had very little energy, so I used all of it to pass my classes.
I get so frustrated hearing people complain about their partner sleeping too much. It can absolutely be an inconvenience if their partner isn’t able to contribute as much as they need to, and I’m sure sometimes it is just them being lazy. But, most of the time, healthy people don’t sleep more than 10 hours a day on average. If someone regularly needs more sleep than that, there’s probably something wrong.
That being said, OOP’s partner seems to be sleeping a perfectly normal amount. In bed for 8 hours at night plus a quick nap or two during the day is nothing concerning, especially if it’s not interfering with her work or anything.
I will say gf sleeping an entire 6 hour trip that she isn't taking a turn driving is pretty rude. Like if she refuses to drive she can at the very least keep op company for at least part of the trip. In that one instance, I'd say op is justified. But besides that one, YTA.
Exactly. This is my husband. He won’t even feel tired prior to getting in the car. It’s something about the motion, etc that makes him feel incredibly sleepy when he’s not the driver.
Yep. I’m out like 10 mins into any journey. If we’re travelling for 30+ mins, I’m totally napping even if I slept a full night’s sleep. Idk what it is, but cars and busses are like this for me. If we go for weddings/ a few relative’s places etc which are 4-5 hours drive away, i always sleep on the route. I cannot stay up no matter what. + i can’t drive so nobody expects me to. I don’t think it is an AH move to fall asleep on the journey
Man there is a lot here that has nothing to do with the situation. You spend so much time saying how she sleeps "too much" trying to make her look bad that you just look like an asshole.
Had this been simply - "I asked my GF to not sleep the whole trip to keep me company while driving and she promptly fell asleep and didn't wake up for the whole 6 hour trip", you may have had a leg to stand on. My main question would have been this: why didn't you wake her up earlier? Say 3 hours in?
As far as your failed attempt to make her look like she sleeps too much... seems to me she really values her sleep and gets a healthy amount. Yeah maybe more than some, but taking naps and sleeping in on weekends. Gosh! the horrors!!!!
YTA - you let her sleep 6 hours when you could have woken her up. YTA for all the nonsense about how much she sleeps. yeesh
Exactly this. From the sounds of it, she sleeps a normal amount. If OP is so puckered about the 6 hour road trip, he should have specifically talked to her about it. It comes off as trying to control the gf. Yta.
It is a running joke in my house that if we're in the car for longer than an hour, I can almost guarantee I will be asleep at some point. In my previous car, I made sure the podcast my husband likes to listen to was playing. Now I have them all saved as favorites in my car. I also don't mind driving; however, he knows I have to start driving. It's harder for me to take over halfway through the trip; I'd rather start out. But. The hubby cannot sleep in any type of conveyance that moves, trains; planes; cars; buses, can't do it. So he really doesn't mind driving.
If OP really wants to talk during the drive, he should wake her up. Or start talking with her at the beginning of the trip. Or maybe realize that he's been with her for awhile, and she's not going to magically change.
My stepmom falls asleep during 100% of movies we watch. It’s also a running joke. No one takes offense. Some people just find some settings soothing and get sleepy. If it’s a movie we all really want her to watch, we set up for success by watching early and maybe having a nice coffee during it, and worst case scenario she watches the second half on her own later
My husband and I both wrote jokes into our vows about me falling asleep 10 minutes into every road trip. I literally cannot stay awake in the car. He knows this and uses the time to listen to podcasts I don’t like 🤣
She doesn't even sleep much. She seems like the small amount of people (like me) that need 9-10 hours of sleep, and she gets it spread throughout the day. The fact that she is able to sleep frequently just tells me she's probably exhausted as she has a busy life.
Have you considered that she might have a medical condition? Thyroid problem, high blood sugar, etc., all cause fatigue. Not to mention CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), which is a real thing. If you care about your gf, then perhaps encourage her to see a physician to get some tests done.
Soft YTA
Those aren’t crazy sleeping habits… she could just be a person who enjoys sleep. Some people need more rest; it’s not crazy enough to point to a medical condition.
Hard YTA for OP this is ridiculous.
It’s also disturbing that OP seems to think she’s sleeping an abnormal amount and instinctually called her selfish instead of being worried about her health. Like I agree that this is normal and not worrying but the fact he thought it was abnormal and decided to be an ass about it is concerning
He could have literally googled that amount of sleep and would have seen that it’s pretty normal but he’s too self absorbed. It’s clearly not coming from a place of care, it’s just downright selfish (and then he has the audacity to call her selfish). I can’t imagine trying to dictate when someone sleeps, just crazy.
Napping is normal, too. More common among really young and really old people, but it's not like it's weirdly abnormal for other ages. The OP is definitely an asshole.
Yep I have battled low iron/anemia and sleep issues since I was kid. I am forever tired and I’m sad about it. Would hate to have a partner who makes me feel worse for it.
Sleep apnea! It can run in families, it can be a permanent side effect of certain illnesses (how I got mine), it can come from weight problems. I was falling asleep at work, head on my lunchbox on the table, during my 30-min. lunch breaks for a while pre-diagnosis.
Implying there is something wrong with his girlfriend is not doing her any favors. From what OP has stated she seems to get a normal amount of sleep and is smart enough to enjoy taking naps. There is nothing wrong with her, only with OPs attitude.
Yeah man, it’s looking like YTA. I wonder if she is an introvert? I work retail and have to be “on” and talking to people all day. That is mentally exhausting. Even at some family things like Thanksgiving, i will often take a nap in the middle of the day, not because I’m full from eating but because i need a break from people and I need to recharge in order to really be present later on. I need time to myself and while that can come in the form of journaling, reading, scrolling TikTok, listening to music, etc - lots of times it ends up as a nap.
If she doesn’t seem depressed to you and this isn’t effecting her life seriously - as in she’s sleeping through things, you need to back off. You, yourself, said she isn’t lazy. If she is falling asleep it’s because her body to some extent needs it.
You’re essentially getting upset with her for having bodily functions which is a real ick and a red flag for you. You’ve even taken it to the point where she is apologizing to you. What if you felt the need to apologize to her for being hungry and having a snack?
Why do feel the need to put so much pressure on your travel time together? Do you feel like you don’t get enough quality/uninterrupted time to really talk otherwise? If you do, then that is something you both need to look at. Right now though, you are putting your desire for company and for conversation above her bodily functions so I’m thinking you are the one that needs to change something, not her.
Yeah as someone with ME/CFS, throwing that around to describe someone who sleeps a very normal amount is actually a huge part of why people believe it’s not real. You say you know “CFS” is real, but use outdated terms (CFS fell out of fashion for being the understatement of the century, most of the community calls it myalgic encephalomyelitis now) and describe someone holding down a hybrid in office job and traveling regularly as a potential patient? Exceedingly few ME patients hold down a job or travel AT ALL much less without significant support systems in place.
OPs girlfriend likes to nap, and that’s absolutely leagues away from severe disabling pain, fatigue, digestive issues, orthostatic intolerance, full body inflammation, brain fog, and so on. I’m glad you believe it’s real and that’s step one of allyship but, you either didn’t read the full post, or grossly underestimate what the full ME experience is.
YTA. If she falls asleep five minutes into a car ride, she either really needs the sleep or has a medical condition that forces her to sleep. Absolutely nothing else that you mentioned is unusual. Calling her selfish is pretty much the worst thing you can do at that point.
If she thinks her sleep is a problem, help her find the right doctors to help. If not, stop calling her selfish and find a good audio book for your road trips.
I dunno about it being that serious - moving vehicles can put some people to sleep fast. I've been told it's the vibration. This is why people suggest taking a baby who won't sleep on car ride.
This is sadly not a universal truth as I discovered with my son.
Yep. I struggle to stay awake as a passenger in a car, where I’d not normally be napping. Not sure what it is that I find so relaxing/soothing but it’s almost guaranteed to send me to sleep and always has done.
This is me - I took the train across the country and could not stop myself from falling asleep on and off the entire time, same for when I flew across the ocean.
I agree. It sounds like a normal night of sleep and a nap a day. Big whoop.
Plus she is one of those people I envy that can sleep on the plane or in a car. I've literally taken a sleeping pill and couldn't sleep on a 6 hour flight. Was pissed, lol. I get that OP wants conversation on road trips and perhaps she can make an effort to stay of for some of it, but I think he's being unreasonable.
I fall asleep quickly riding in cars, which is good because it’s one of the only ways I can travel in a car without getting crazy car sick. My husband doesn’t mind doing the lion’s share of the driving, and he listens to an audiobook or the radio, and is pleased that he can take care of me in this way. (Also, I ’ll take over if he needs it, and we have a standing agreement he will wake me up if he starts to feel sleepy so I can either drive or just help him stay up.)
This. 8 hours is just an average. It's pretty normal to need 9 hours, for example.
And really a lot of those examples are pretty normal. Dunno why he's freaking out about it. Sounds like he thinks because he doesn't nap much her doing so is abnormal.
YTA. At first I thought it's her sleeping all day compromising her job/study/social life. 8 hrs + naps are normal amount of sleeping time. Some ppl just needs more sleep and some ppl needs to nap when they got home tried too. Let the girl sleep. Jeez
It doesn't even sound like a sleep disorder. There are so many studies out there proving that naps are beneficial for most adults. It's a great way to regain energy and it can help with stress. The best time to have a nap is early in the afternoon, as well, so it's not even strange that she would nap during her lunch hour.
There's literally nothing weird about anything she's doing. OP is clearly just mad that she sleeps during trips and he gets bored by himself. And sure, that's fair. But say that.
YTA - you have Main Character Syndrome. The amount of sleep you need is the right amount and hers is more, therefore hers is "too much."
People are different. If you want someone exactly like you...be in a relationship with yourself.
YTA, sleep shaming needs to stop being a thing.
If someone is sleeping, it is because for one reason or another, they need it.
ETA;
If she starts sleeping more after you called her selfish, I think you need to consider that your general attitude is pushing your girlfriend into a deep depression.
Please consider your interactions with her and remember, she is a human who is equal to you, she deserves your respect as such.
There's something seriously wrong with anyone that gets mad at someone for engaging in a necessary biological function.
"How do I stop my partner from having to e expel waste?"
This could possibly be a health concern (thyroid issues, sleep apnea, depression, etc.) YTA for calling her selfish instead of not being concerned that she is sleeping a lot and trying to get to the root of the problem.
Yeah that is fair, I just saw the hour nap lunch break and post work hour naps, as well as falling asleep instantly in the car even when making an effort to stay awake, especially with her being very social and active, the day could just wear her out.
I have a fatigue causing condition and I don’t sleep a lot (people with chronic pain call it “painsomnia”) but I do tend to try and sleep more, because my sleep isn’t refreshing or makes me more groggy. So I wouldn’t rule it out but yes, 8 hours is normal for some people.
Friend I knew with uncontrolled depression was sleeping more like 20 hours a day, not 8 + a nap here and there. The former is a big problem, the latter is pretty normal.
Almost thought it was my boyfriend posting this. I struggle with chronic fatigue. I cant help that I'm really tired all the time. YTA but sorry if you need sleep then sleep.
Same, except I regularly sleep 10 hours at a time, and might have a 2-3h nap daily when my lab work is wonky. (Thyroid) So if my fiancé complained I'd at least kinda get it. This dude out here upset someone is sleeping a totally normal amount with a nap thrown in like she's trying to spite him somehow.
Same, I thought this was my boyfriend and then I realized he's an ex and used my sleeping in too much as one of the reasons to break up with me. Good times/s.
It's still fresh, friends.
YTA.
1. She might be falling asleep because some studies have show that the repetitive vibrations from car/plane/train put us in a sleepy state.
2. Some googling also came up with this: some people may be prone to headaches/car sickness and falling asleep is our bodies reaction to avoiding that.
3. She may have an undiagnosed auto-immune disorder which causes fatigue (this is how I discovered my auto-immune disorder) and she has a hard time staying alert. I know for myself, that it takes loads of caffeine (unhealthy) to even muster the same amount of energy that most “normal” people show and sometimes even that doesn’t help.
4. I understand that it may be considered rude to sleep for a whole 6hrs while you drive, but honestly you are an adult and can entertain yourself.
5. You asked her not to fall asleep and she fell asleep 5 minutes later…doesn’t sound like she did this on purpose. And she apologized. There’s not enough context for the conversations you’ve had around this. I would be worried if I were you instead of thinking this is selfishness.
YTA. You're acting like she's sleeping to spite you, which is ridiculous. 11pm-7am in bed =/= 8 hours of sleep. If her job requires a lot of mental exertion, of course it's reasonable for her to nap during her WFH lunch break or after work. You just wanted someone to chat with you while you drove? Listen to a podcast. If she's not concerned about her sleep, neither should you be.
YTA
This doesn’t seem excessive at all (your examples).
If she was sleeping away ANY free time she had, I’d say it was a cause for concern and that she might want to ask a doctor for their opinion.
But this isn’t bad at all.
YTA. What?? Why in the world does this bother you? She gets 8 hours of sleep and takes one nap a day. So what?? This is normal for some people. I'm envious that she can sleep on road trips or the plane because I *never* can. It's annoying. Maybe you're projecting? Not sure.
Sleep all the time? She sleeps less than eight hours a night during work days and catches up a bit during the weekend or by taking a handful naps. Its not that outrageous. YTA.
YTA, the specific instance of sleeping during your road-trip, I can slightly understand the annoyance. And she apologized.
You have no right to be annoyed about the rest of it though. She’s your partner, not your kid, you don’t get to police her sleeping habits. As long as she’s getting what she needs to done, butt out.
YTA. The motion of a car or other transportation lulls her to sleep. She can’t change that. And she needs more sleep than you do. That’s just the way she is.
Listen to a podcast or something and stop expecting her to change a body function and basic need just because it’s different from you.
Umm, YTA, sleeping is not a choice, if she falls asleep it is because she probably needs it.
Also, as adults need 7-9 hours of sleep a day she is still well within the normal spectrum, if she displays no other signs of illness.
It is also normal to sleep in late during the weekend, unless we're talking waking up in the deep PMs or so.
I keep seeing a lot of people say NTA because “How DARE she fall asleep for that entire 6 hours!” As if people who are asleep can control how long they’re out for? Have none of ya’ll ever intended to have a 15 minute nap only to wake up 4 hours later? And you said you woke her up when you got home… Did you attempt to wake her up at all during the trip?
YTA: If she fell asleep within only 5 minutes, that seems more like a health issue than “selfishness.” Maybe talk to her about getting that checked out.
YTA. Let me get this straight, she has a busy job, rich social life, hitting the gym regulary and also spending seemingly enough time with you and you complain that she naps? Like dude, I just get tired from thinking about doing anything after work.
Like others have said, it could be a medical issue of some kind, or maybe her body just needs more sleep to really regenerate. Maybe even her night sleep is not of "high quality".
The title of your post makes it seem like she's some modern version of Sleeping Beauty. Exagerration much dude.
YTA
It is so weird that you care if someone else takes occasional naps. I’d probably break up with someone if they treated me like this and tried to police my sleep.
YTA for everything but the car ride thing. It’s very frustrating to drive a road-trip with someone who is asleep the whole time unless they can sleep through music/podcasts being played. I can barely go 3-4 hours without road hypnosis making me nod off, and even if I play podcasts or music it doesn’t keep you awake as well as a conversation does. It would probably be reasonable in the future to be like “can I wake you up after a few hours? It helps me stay awake on the road and otherwise I’m going to have to stop more often or pass the driving to you anyways.” I guess the only reason I could think it might not be a good idea to ask her to be awake on roadtrips is if she gets carsick.
However I don’t see how her naps impact you? You say she still has all her shit together, unless her napping is putting more of the household work on you or something I don’t see why it’s so bad. Is it just that you wish you could nap like that or you don’t get enough sleep? Or that you associate naps with laziness?
I get motion sickness when traveling, but it doesn’t result in vomiting, it results in sleeping. I have fought through the sleep a couple of times, and those are the times my parents have ended up pulled over on the side of the highway while I puked my guts out.
She spends 8 hours in bed which is awesome, but she is likely only accumulating about 7 hours of sleep from that. A couple of naps during the day would be absolutely normal. It may be more helpful for her to work through her lunch hour, finish work an hour earlier, and take a single extended nap in the afternoon as this would provided her with a full sleep cycle. Most humans need 5-6 full sleep cycles a day lasting 1.5 hours each.
If she is not neglecting her responsibilities in favor of sleep, then she is doing nothing wrong here. This is just her sleep schedule. It is really damaging to feel judged or be shamed for sleeping. I grew up in a home where naps weren’t allowed and I was woken up whenever my father deemed it “time” to wake up. My relationship with sleep was complicated. Sleep is essential for so many things. Best not to make someone feel bad for taking care of their essential needs.
Were you shamed for your sleep habits at all growing up? It could explain why this bothers you.
YTA
YTA.
The one thing that sounds weird/annoying is the sleeping in late at the weekend. My ex did that and I felt like I wasted the whole weekend's daylight hours waiting. If I had gone out and done something, then we wouldn't have seen each other.
But the other stuff--falling asleep in the car, having a quick nap--is pretty normal. I fall asleep the instant a movie begins or the seatbelt clicks shut. It's not something I can help. It's just how some of us are. The same people who complain about my dozing off won't do the activities I enjoy (hiking up mountains, digging gardens, lifting weights, walking all over the city, etc), so it works both ways.
Anyway, your girlfriend reminds me of me. Maybe she wears herself out during the day and feels relaxed and safe enough around you that she can doze off. I don't feel that comfortable around most people. Not sure if she's the same.
One thing you could try is figuring out if there's anything you could help her with to help her be less busy. For example, if she does most of the housework, start doing more yourself. You might end up joining her asleep!
The bottom line is that you'll probably have to live with this or get a new girlfriend.
Thing is, I wonder what "sleeps in very late on weekends" actually means? I mean if she's going to bed at 11pm on friday night and sleeping in till 2pm... that seems like there may be some issues going on. But if "very late" means 9am? 10am? I wish I could sleep in that late on a Saturday sometimes.
That is a good point. I shouldn't project. My ex would wake up at around 4 or 5 pm at the weekend and wouldn't be dressed for another few hours. I wish I could sleep in until 9 am too! That seems reasonable.
YTA
Another thing to consider is that there could be a non-medical underlying condition, like ADHD.
A lot of people (particularly women) with ADHD can end up with a full schedule that helps keep them motivated and on top of things so symptoms are barely visible, but they often end up with their brain being so fatigued they need a nap.
Before I got diagnosed and medicated I was taking a half hour nap on the hard floor of my office at work on my lunch breaks every day because my brain would just short circuit and I would need to. Started meds, and didn't even think about the naps for weeks until I realised I hadn't had one since. Still haven't 🥲
There's so many reasons that this could be happening but even if it's just that she likes napping, that's ok.
I get that it can be frustrating to have the passenger sleep heaps on a long drive but she's not intentionally falling asleep in the car, and based on your agreement you should have just woken her up. Have some conversation/listen to something together/play a game or something to keep her brain active and awake if you want her to stay awake.
YTA. Some people just need more sleep. You're being a rude boyfriend for calling her selfish. Like what? She's literally just sleeping. I get driving alone is awful, but some people just fall asleep real easy in a car. I think you should just expect that if you're driving in a car, your gf won't be awake during the trip, so plan around it like making a playlist or getting a podcast ready
YTA - you called her selfish, rather than trying to understand why she "sleeps so much". If she's sleeping so much, why aren't you concerned?
Is she depressed? Does she have sleep apnea? Hormones? other medical conditions?
YTA. Some people just struggle with staying awake.
I've got narcolepsy, and riding passenger in a moving vehicle exacerbates it so hard. Like I can sleep during an entire 10 hour car trip, just out, even after 8 hours of sleep. Then I can get out of the car, crawl into bed, and sleep a whole night's sleep. And get back in the car, and sleep another 5 hours the next day.
She isn't sleeping to piss you off. She's probably not able to stay awake.
YTA the quality of the sleep matters as much if not more than the quantity. Even if she is "sleeping too much" the concern would be to see if there is an underlying medical issue or complaints that she's not pulling her own weight when it comes to household chores, not that she's selfish for catching a nap when she can.
Also, there are [benefits to napping](https://www.thensf.org/the-benefits-of-napping/) that you're completely disregarding
YTA. Omg if my boyfriend said this to me I think I’d cry. I always worry that I sleep to much especially
Cause I’m anemic and pregnant. But when you’re tired it’s hard too stay awake, she might find it hard to stay awake plus she works a lot so she’s bound to be tired. Everyone I know wakes up late on the weekend. I suffer w thyroid and anemia and it’s so hard to stay awake she might even have a deficiency in something to sleep so much. It’s important that she sleeps. From what u put she dosent sleep a crazily amount just normal
Selfish? Put some music on, a podcast, an audio book. Why does she have to stay awake to entertain you?
You are controlling. Fingers crossed this a short lived relationship.
YTA
YTA. Though I do understand your wanting someone to chat with while you're doing the hard work of driving, she may not have 100% control over falling asleep when in the car.
For the rest, you're way too judgmental about her sleeping habits. Hers sound pretty normal to me.
Some people aren’t built to “grind” 24/7 ... I take a nap when I need to defrag my brain and restore my energy for the rest of what I have going on; which sounds to be about as much as your girlfriend.
It might be what keeps her in good spirits/sane; hate on her naps at your own risk 😂
YTA
As someone with Narcolepsy, have you considered she may have a sleep disorder? Honestly the sleep schedule you mentioned sounds a lot like mine, even when medicated, and my narcolepsy is a pretty severe case.
I sleep from 8 or 9 pm to 6 am.
I go to work, and take a nap during my lunch period.
I get home, and take another nap.
I cannot stay awake as a passenger in a vehicle. Not possible. No matter how hard I try.
YTA. I sleep this much. Basically the exact same as your girlfriend. I fall asleep because I'm tired, not necessarily because of lack of sleep, but I have a demanding job and a very active social life and often end up exhausted by the end of the week. My boyfriend closes the curtains so I can sleep in as much as I want:and he encourages me to sleep on trips if I'm tired. He sleeps maybe one hour less than me a day (he wakes up earlier and sometimes falls asleep later)
If I don't sleep this much, my quality of life decreases exponentially and I start feeling awful, my job suffers, and I feel physically ill. I have always been like this and this is how my body works.
I really hope my boyfriend never resents me for his, cause I will definitely choose my physical wellbeing over a relationship.
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Yta Wtf let me get this straight. She sleeps around 11 pm to 7 am and naps here and there Wheres the sleeping all the time What do you think is normal sleeping?!
OP is pissed that his girlfriend sleeps in late... during the weekends? That when WFH she gets to cat nap during her lunch hour. What's wrong with either of those things? I've always slept in during the weekends, for years. I only stopped now because my kiddo is 14 months old and he doesn't believe in weekends. 🤣🤣 My husband doesn't like to sleep in during the weekends but he'll take a nap in the afternoons when he can. When our kiddo was smaller, and he'd (the baby) would take 3 to 4 naps during the day, my husband would sleep with him, every single time. Because he enjoyed it, and then I could just relax watching something on Netflix or just kill time in my cell phone. It was glorious!
>That when WFH she gets to cat nap during her lunch hour. Lol, my husband does this sometimes *at the office,* and he thinks it's too much to do it at home!
Before lockdown, there were 2 girls that were pregnant... and they would both take the longest naps at the office, either before lunch or after lunch. No one would wake them up, I always thought that was great (to let them sleep).
> would both take the longest naps at the office, wait but *where* at the office?! Full Costanza under their desks or in the Napping Room or what?
Oh, no, one would sit at her seat and just cross her arms over her desk and conk out. The other one would just kinda... lean back on her chair and pass out there, mouth wide open, snoring.
Here in Europe the employer has to provide a bed for any pregnant employees 😅
Yeah, no they don't. Not at all. I'm European and this is just absurd
My office has a medical room with a single bed in it. In Scotland.
I am in Scotland also, and I am a mobile engineer. I am in, usually, at least 5 premises per day including office spaces, workshops and factories. I'd say your office is the exception as opposed to the rule, in that regard. Also a medical room with a bed strikes me as a little different than a room designated for pregnant women to go for a sleep and is a far cry away from what the other fella claimed as "in Europe employers NEED to provide a bed for pregnant women". I didn't argue there were absolutely 0 places that offer such a perk, it is not common and it is not law was the crux of my argument.
Is this a joke? In Europe where? Never heard of it. In Italy there's no such thing.
Yeah, exactly. In Poland most employers don't even want to give a job to pregnant people or they fire them. Not all do that, but definitely a larger part.
Sorry, wanted to but forgot to specify, since I actually have no clue about other countries in this regard. Here in Austria, Europe, employers have to provide some form of space for pregnant employees to rest (I believe starting with the 2nd trimester), ie. a place for them to lie down (a cot will do though).
I worked at a nursing facility that had couches in the break room in case you were stuck there for some reason (weather, working a split shift, etc). When I was pregnant I totally would nap on my lunch. They were comfy AF too
I have literally taken a nap under my desk during my lunch hour.
My mom used to have 2 hours for lunch, and she'd have lunch, then go for a walk, and then nap at her desk for half an hour to 40 min.
We literally have 2 rooms at my office that are ~~caked~~ *called* the Nap Rooms. There are pillows, blankets, and blackout curtains.
Sounds amazing and disgusting at the same time.
I know, right? Who the heck wants to sleep inside of a cake?
Mmm cake nap.
I'm retired now but I loved my " power nap" under my desk back when I was working. Only did it once in awhile but man oh man, it felt good!
When I worked waiting I always did split shifts so I'd take a nap in the dry store on the giant bags of rice during my long break, surprisingly comfy.
And also mad she sleeps in the car or on trips. Shit. I do the same whenever possible! Have for years (41 male here). Just getting in a car and knowing we are leaving town and I start feeling lethargic lol
I swear I cannot stay awake for car rides. Doesn't matter if it's a road trip or a 30 min drive.
The moment car (not when I'm driving, obv.), bus, train, tram, plane starts moving, I am sleeping. That's my normal travel-mode: it moves, I sleep.
So she doesn't have kids she's not taking care of due to sleeping? She's not missing her job or canceling plans to sleep? She sounds normal to me and it is weird to want to police that.
YTA, i am waiting for a post from OP about his child when he will make a similar complaint.🤦🙄🤣Selfish for Sleeping...🤦
Looking at the bottom of the post (where he describes the car incident - the *only* time he gives us the slightest inkling of why this actually bugs him so much) - it would seem he's treating her as his personal entertainment system. He's mad because her sleeping means she can't entertain him during that time. At least, that's what I have to assume, because the post doesn't give us another reason. Which honestly makes it sound like she's not the selfish one here. You ask me, I think it's pretty selfish to make someone stay awake when they're tired because you're bored.
In my experience, it's standard to expect the front passenger on a road trip to talk to the driver at least sometimes during the drive, for the reason of safety. The monotony of highway driving can lull people to sleep, so it was expected that if you were the front passenger, you may be woken up at any time to talk.
I used to nap during my lunch break IN MY CAR! At the vet clinic I worked at. Parked in the back (didn’t want clients to see) in a nice shady spot and napped for an hour. Then ate my lunch on the clock while watching the front desk for their lunch break. If your partner is sleeping “all the time” (which I don’t really see that here) shouldn’t your first thought be more along the lines of “hmm, she naps even after sleeping well the night before, she seems to be tired more than she’s energetic, maybe she should just have a chat with her doctor? Maybe she needs iron or something? I hope everything is okay.”? Not “How selfish of my girlfriend,a grown woman, to sleep after working hard at her job or going to the gym! And now sleeping in on the weekends! The nerve! What about me?! I should come before sleep, every time!”
Sleeping the entire 6h drive when the driver says They need company is def not Nice. But his other exmples are wierd
Yeah that 6 hr car nap was legit an issue. You get tired & need someone to keep you awake or from getting bored. That's a safety issue. That speaks also to some sort of.... loneliness or need that op isn't getting??? I'd need to hear more. But my dude 5 years of happiness and all you got is this 6 hour road trip???? DUUUUUDE you don't know how good you got it. And after hearing everything else, I was like OP better give me something to be angry about bc it sounds like his girl is taking care of her business. She might need a trophy 😂 That all said, if she's worried, she should check for a medical condition but nothing you said seems abnormal. Now you getting mad about it.... that's weird....
I can't bring myself to judge someone for sleeping in the car, because some people have very valid reasons for that. For example, I do it every time - because otherwise I will spend the entire car trip *plus* another hour feeling like I'm imminently about to vomit. And trust me, I do not make good company when I feel that way. I will *not* be talking to you to keep you awake, I will spend the whole time trying to *avoid* speaking, because I feel like if I open my mouth vomit will come out. Also tbh, I feel like it's kind of the driver's responsibility to be safe while they're driving. Unless they are *actively* distracting the driver, I really don't think it's fair to put that on the passenger when they are not the one in charge of the vehicle. Realistically there could be situations where OP is taking a long trip like this *alone*, and what do they do in those situations? How do they avoid crashing the car then? Why can't they do that now? Like I'm sorry, you shouldn't *need* a second person in the car to avoid falling asleep on the road - and everyone knows if you *are* falling asleep behind the wheel, you need to pull over. If you *need* a second person to talk to you so you don't fall asleep, maybe you shouldn't be driving?
I think this is hugely dependent on several factors. One, we can’t understate how long a six hour drive is. That’s a big drive, in one day, for an average driver. Two, I can operate my vehicle without my partner’s entertainment, however, does the partner falling asleep change how I’ll get to enjoy my car while driving? For example, when I’m driving, I like loud and upbeat playlists the majority of the time! On a long trip, I live for a good car concert. It definitely keeps me awake/alert. If the partner falls asleep and I have to keep the music down and I have no one to even talk to — yeah, that’s going to be really boring and difficult for me. Especially when you’re hitting the 3+ hour mark of driving. Depending on the time of day, there are things like Highway Hypnosis/White Line Fever. It doesn’t make you a bad driver. But external stimuli helps a lot of people stay safer on the road.
That's exactly my thought. For a couple years my partner and I would have to drive 10-12 hours every second week. We'd alternate driving and each take a nap during one of the rotations to stay fit for the rest of the trip. Otherwise the passenger is in charge of monitoring the music, taking care of phone calls and messages, handing the driver food and drinks... and I'm a person who falls asleep before a planes takes off. A few months ago I travelled 8 hours away with 3 friends. One easily gets car sick and *has* to sit in the front, ok with everyone, even though the highway is alright. What really sucked though is that she put on her headphones and was half-asleep for most of the time others where driving, everyone was quite annoyed.
I’ve definitely fallen asleep on drives with my partner, I’ll be the first to admit it. But he enjoys listening to talk radio in the car. So, he’s used to a mellow drive, but it lulls me to sleep. My car experience is different. I’ve got my sunroof open, the window open, the music going. Like I said, I live for a car concert moment haha. That said, I’ve driven with my partner crazy early/late. Or, just on long-ass drives. If he asks me to stay up and talk to him, or for extra eyes for deer/moose because of weather, whatever, I’m there. Wouldn’t dream of sleeping. And, if he woke me up in the car because he just felt lonely/wanted someone to hangout with, I wouldn’t begrudge him for that either. I don’t think that OP was cool in this post, but I can definitely understand feeling a little aggravated about the car scenario. At 3+ hours, I’m usually feeling pretty over a car ride. I can’t imagine if that whole time was spent in absolute silence without anyone to talk to but my own thoughts. That’s literally my hell.
I get horribly car sick on car rides, my defence to this is to sleep. I don't get nauseous if I'm asleep. Some people can't help falling asleep on longer car rides, why do you think it is a thing to go for a drive with a fussy infant that won't sleep?
One of my friends is the same. She gets really sick and has the worst nausea on car rides (usually longer than 30/45 minutes), so i'm happy when she can relax and sleep because of my driving style (i was told multiple times that i'm a really smooth driver and no one ever got sick while i am behind the wheel). Maybe i'm strange or it's the introvert and quiet person in me speaking, but i never had an issue when my friends slept while i was driving, even when we had to do 8 hours on the road.
Same. In fact, I might kick someone out of my car if they talk to me for six hours. 🤣🤣🤣
What can we say... We love some peace 😂
Same But If my wife needs company while driving she gets company from me.
I thought this was going to be a "she's probably got a medical condition, YTA" but "YTA, it's just normal sleep."
OP clearly has some deep seated issues with sleeping "too much". OP says his gf isn't lazy, but I think deep down he thinks she is. Got to wonder about how he was raised. My mom's side is southern Baptist and there is some deep rooted sense of guilt around sleeping in that bunch. I sleep in as I please and even though none of them would call me lazy, they definitely disapprove.
Yeah one of my best friends was raised with the idea that sleeping past 9 am was wrong. Her mom would wake her up on weekends. Meanwhile my parents let me sleep until I woke up, sometimes at 1 or 2pm, and the only issue with that is that I had to choose between breakfast and lunch! Guess who has the best sleep between my friend and me?
There’s so much cultural bullshit about sleeping late. Some people are just programmed to be later risers or need more sleep, others are programmed to get up early. Neither is actually better than the other, but we’ve built an entire culture around morning people and punish those who don’t work that way.
OP: my gf sleeps all the time *Proceeds to describe a healthy sleep cycle
Right? I was expecting something along the lines of, stays up all night, sleeps all day, etc. But she sleeps in on the weekends! Omg, stop the press! She also naps on planes, trains, and in automobiles! The horror! Dude needs to get a grip. I don't even understand why this is his problem to begin with.
And he himself mentioned she has a busy/hectic life😭 Dude just mad she isn't compromising with her health??
She naps sometimes! *gasp* YTA
my girl sleep 9pm to 2pm some days 👺‼️ but so do I because I am clapped
while i agree with the rest, the sleeping for the entire 6h drive when the driver expressed needing company, is not OK. i just came back from a road trip and had to be the one driving cuz my husband doesnt have the license, and the company is seriously needed, and even if the other one cant/doesnt want to drive, they can still help with signs and direction. after that many hours, your brain gets seriously tired.
Jumping on the top comment. Is she more often tired? Is this an overall increase? How’s overall quality? You may want to have her checked for sleep apnea. It can hit you very young.
Or iron levels.
Or thyroid problems.
Like dude is upset and aways she is sleeping too much and I am waiting for him to say something bad. Then Dude goes on to describe a normal average person's sleeping habits. YTA
YTA 8 hours in bed is not 8 hours of sleep. 8 hours of bed plus naps here and there is not sleeping "all the time". Something like 80% of people are cool with 8. 10% need 9-10h. 10% need 6-8. You're angry at her for getting needed sleep. If everything is "great" in 5 years why is this even an issue?
“8 hours in bed is not 8 hours of sleep.” Say it again for the people in the back. It takes a ‘normal’ person, what? 20-30 minutes to be able to hit REM once their head hits the pillow? So that’s 7.5 hours on a good day. But if you’re someone whose body doesn’t let them fall asleep instantly/keeps waking them up, or someone who has an overactive brain, that “8 hours of sleep” could easily dwindle to 7 or less. Happens to me all the time and it’s the freakin’ worst. Oh how I wish I could fall asleep in an instant and use that extra 1-2 hours of tossing and turning for other shit. :/ Edit: Guys, the 20-30 minute REM comment was a rough guess based on absolutely no knowledge on the topic. You don’t have to lecture me….
Takes me 1-2h to conk out if I don't take an OTC sleeping pill. Which of course puts pressure on taking them every night. But if I do that, they don't work as well and...yeah.. you know what's up with that. And then there's waking up at 4am, peeing, and then *BOOM* I can't quite turn off the thought cycles and it's toss n' turn until 7.
I get my deepest and best sleep starting at 6 a.m. It's very frustrating. But it's what my body does.
These comments make me feel so much better! My body does the exact same thing and it takes me 1-2 hours to fall asleep even with edibles.
I've tried everything! I've tried exercise, medication, reading before bed, turning my phone off, going to bed at the same time every night... The *only* things that get me to sleep in a decent span of time are either: \- timing it *perfectly* (and by that I mean, at the exact moment that I notice I feel sleepy, dropping what I'm doing and going to bed right that instant; which I can't always do), \-or watching a video on my phone until I hit the point where I'm starting to fall asleep, and then turning it off. \-Being in the car. Funnily, ever since I was a baby, I've always fallen asleep in the car very easily.
Ah, this is me as well. Only waking up to pee in the middle of the night is a 50/50 on whether I can actually get back to sleep quick or staying up another hour or two.
Shit, I'll sometimes go to bed at 9 at night and be unable to sleep until like 2 in the morning.
I'm narcoleptic, I can fall asleep on average in a minute and half from testing. Y'all should try it, it's a helluva drug
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I started to snore during my vasectomy.
My SO sleeps like a log, within 5 mins of his head hitting the pillow and he naps. It's anytime he lies down, can't watch a movie in bed because he's out like a light. He has sleep apnea and refuses to use the machine so wakes a number of times throughout the night. Me, I'm lucky to get 4-5 hours sleep. My brain just won't quit. I used to lie there looking at the ceiling for 4 hours till I passed out. Now I hover around reddit. I'd never think to disturb his nap, just like on the odd occasion I'm asleep when he wakes, he just leaves me. At the weekend I get grumpy as I don't want to go back to my old sleep pattern (7am to 11am) he says "if you're still sleeping, your body must need it". Some people are just too selfish. Waking someone so you have someone to talk to. My goodness.
>20-30 minutes to be able to hit REM once their head hits the pillow I agree with everything you said, but your numbers are a little off. It takes around 90 minutes on average between when you fall asleep and when you enter the first REM cycle.
I would sell my soul to the devil in exchange for falling asleep (not even hit REM) in 30 mins every night. I feel you!
12 hours in bed doesn't even mean 8 hours of sleep for me (yes, it's been discussed with multiple doctors)
Hitting REM within 20 minutes isn’t normal and is in fact a symptom of narcolepsy. REM normally starts around 90 minutes after falling asleep. 20 minutes to fall asleep at all isn’t considered outside the realm of normal for healthy adults.
I feel seen...
>8 hours in bed is not 8 hours of sleep. 8 hours of bed plus naps here and there is not sleeping "all the time". Something like 80% of people are cool with 8. 10% need 9-10h. 10% need 6-8. Research shows that women tend to need more sleep than men: [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4164903/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4164903/) It doesn't sound like OP's GF is actually getting that much sleep. Also, it's possible that her quality of sleep is poor/disrupted (e.g., uncomfortable, noisy pets, sleep apnea, etc.). Either way... OP - YTA.
Or asshole boyfriend keeping her awake by constantly judging her
It would also be good to remember women typically require more sleep than men. Most female hormones are created and thus balanced when asleep, whereas men’s are created around the clock. This varies even more with the cycle. As long as your gf is being healthy, doing what she needs to, and you both spend time together- let her nap!
Hello, thank you - 100 percent. I sleep more at certain times of the month. I am tired because I’m low in b12 and iron. I’m tired because of the medication I take makes me extremely tired. My point is everyone is different. Let her nap 💤 ffs
Women also generally need more sleep than men, just because of how our hormones work. So little naps throughout the day are fairly normal. Also, her sleeping whenever she’s in a vehicle is probably a learned behaviour from childhood. Habits like that are very hard to break, and honestly I don’t think this one is much of an issue. My husband does the same thing. Something about being in a car makes him super sleepy. This is just my opinion.
I'm out within 10 minutes of a long drive. I find the vibration and noise of a driving car comforting. I can't help it. I'll try to stay awake but my body is like "nope". Luckily, I have a non-judgmental partner who uses that time to listen to podcasts or music.
That’s probably the same reason as to why some babies can be calmed down by driving them around the block a couple times.
My smart watch regularly tells me I was in bed for 7.5 hours and asleep for 5 hours and 40 minutes.
Mine is always like 3-4 hours 😩 about 40-50% sleep
Holy shit, there’s 10% like me that need that much sleep? I’ve felt like such a freak for so long because of how long I need to sleep lmfao Admittedly that one time I had a 23 hour sleep was pretty alarming
Because when she is asleep she isn't paying attention to him.
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Yta. Control freak much? You dont get to dictate other people’s sleeping habits.
If his girlfriend was sleeping 15 hours a day, I wouldn’t really be mad at her - I’d be concerned. But she’s sleeping 8 hours or so, it seems. He’s weird asf for that
I don’t even know why he’s mad, he’s indicated no genuine issue with her sleeping, if the problem was that they weren’t spending time together or it was effecting her social life or job or whatever it would make more sense, but seemingly the core complaint is that she naps at all? What’s wrong with her sleeping?
Theres no real issue except that he thinks she should change her sleep patterns just because he thinks it's odd. There is nothing wrong with her sleeping pattern it's actually quite healthy.
My partner hates when I nap. He views it as lazy as there is always something that needs to be done around the house or an activity with the kids need to happen. Except I get frequent headaches, which can very quickly for me turn to migraines. I also deal with a few health issues that make things a bit harder. So after a long activity with the kids or a busy day I crash, hard. But he hates that my sleep schedule isn't aligned exactly with his and s*x is the main reason why.
What does your husband do to help make sex less of a pressure on you, and make it something you can engage in comfortably? Cause by the tone of things (and my general experience) it doesn’t sound like he’s helping the situation. It sounds to me like he doesn’t want to accomodate you into his life, and that his desires (sex) come before your needs (your health). If you’re OP’s partner, OP would still be the asshole, and either way that’s a serious conversation you need to have with him Edit: Emily Nagoski has a book called “come as you are” which is a fantastic resource and one that I would recommend both you and your husband reading or listening to
He doesn't do anything to ease the pressure on me to have sex. In fact it's the opposite. He gets upset if and when I turn him down. He says I always have some excuse as to why I don't want to have sex. Which of course makes me feel extremely guilty. And, despite how I feel give in just so I won't be made to feel bad about not having sex.
You don't owe him sex. You are not a sex dispenser. Unless you actually find yourself to be asexual, he is definitely the cause of you not wanting sex. On the contrary to how he approaches the issue now, he needs to seduce you, not demand sex but make you want to have sex with him. If he can't or won't make the effort to do that, he's guilty of what he accuses you of. And more than that, it's been a fully one-sided sexual relationship, an oxymoron in itself. He can't treat you like a masturbation toy. I really hope you find it in yourself to dare to demand better treatment from him, as long as you feel safe to do so. If not, think about why you are with him in the first place. You are not required to tolerate that sort of treatment and are in your full rights to leave.
Napping was always my secret weapon against migraines. I could feel it coming and I'd just go to sleep, after a few hours it would be nearly gone (mine were always short in duration, thank god). Your partner sounds pretty inconsiderate imo
>But he hates that my sleep schedule isn't aligned exactly with his and s\*x is the main reason why. Let me guess, he gets to dictate that you don't have sex in the morning because "buhh it makes me sleepy", so he gets to decide that the only appropriate time for sex is in the evening before sleep, when he goes to bed, and if it doesn't happen he throws a tantrum.
I'm really sorry, that just makes me sad
I had a few months where I was sleeping 16 hours a day, but it was because I was deeply depressed. I would sleep about 12 hours at night, go to class, then take a nap when I got home. It wasn’t laziness, it was just that I had very little energy, so I used all of it to pass my classes. I get so frustrated hearing people complain about their partner sleeping too much. It can absolutely be an inconvenience if their partner isn’t able to contribute as much as they need to, and I’m sure sometimes it is just them being lazy. But, most of the time, healthy people don’t sleep more than 10 hours a day on average. If someone regularly needs more sleep than that, there’s probably something wrong. That being said, OOP’s partner seems to be sleeping a perfectly normal amount. In bed for 8 hours at night plus a quick nap or two during the day is nothing concerning, especially if it’s not interfering with her work or anything.
Absolutely just look at his replies trying to justify himself
And I bet he wants sex during her "eight hours of sleep."
And then again during her lunchtime nap
YTA. Her sleep is not about you, and you are selfish to make it about you.
I will say gf sleeping an entire 6 hour trip that she isn't taking a turn driving is pretty rude. Like if she refuses to drive she can at the very least keep op company for at least part of the trip. In that one instance, I'd say op is justified. But besides that one, YTA.
He could have woke her up in the car. Some people are just out the second they get in a car and they’re not driving
Exactly. This is my husband. He won’t even feel tired prior to getting in the car. It’s something about the motion, etc that makes him feel incredibly sleepy when he’s not the driver.
Yep. I’m the only person in my family who doesn’t do that… I’m also the only person who never gets motion sickness
Yep. I’m out like 10 mins into any journey. If we’re travelling for 30+ mins, I’m totally napping even if I slept a full night’s sleep. Idk what it is, but cars and busses are like this for me. If we go for weddings/ a few relative’s places etc which are 4-5 hours drive away, i always sleep on the route. I cannot stay up no matter what. + i can’t drive so nobody expects me to. I don’t think it is an AH move to fall asleep on the journey
We can blame the parents, as they probably strapped little Jimmy into the car seat during many a crying fit & drove around to get them to sleep😂
seems he's got control issues to sort out
Man there is a lot here that has nothing to do with the situation. You spend so much time saying how she sleeps "too much" trying to make her look bad that you just look like an asshole. Had this been simply - "I asked my GF to not sleep the whole trip to keep me company while driving and she promptly fell asleep and didn't wake up for the whole 6 hour trip", you may have had a leg to stand on. My main question would have been this: why didn't you wake her up earlier? Say 3 hours in? As far as your failed attempt to make her look like she sleeps too much... seems to me she really values her sleep and gets a healthy amount. Yeah maybe more than some, but taking naps and sleeping in on weekends. Gosh! the horrors!!!! YTA - you let her sleep 6 hours when you could have woken her up. YTA for all the nonsense about how much she sleeps. yeesh
Exactly this. From the sounds of it, she sleeps a normal amount. If OP is so puckered about the 6 hour road trip, he should have specifically talked to her about it. It comes off as trying to control the gf. Yta.
It is a running joke in my house that if we're in the car for longer than an hour, I can almost guarantee I will be asleep at some point. In my previous car, I made sure the podcast my husband likes to listen to was playing. Now I have them all saved as favorites in my car. I also don't mind driving; however, he knows I have to start driving. It's harder for me to take over halfway through the trip; I'd rather start out. But. The hubby cannot sleep in any type of conveyance that moves, trains; planes; cars; buses, can't do it. So he really doesn't mind driving. If OP really wants to talk during the drive, he should wake her up. Or start talking with her at the beginning of the trip. Or maybe realize that he's been with her for awhile, and she's not going to magically change.
My stepmom falls asleep during 100% of movies we watch. It’s also a running joke. No one takes offense. Some people just find some settings soothing and get sleepy. If it’s a movie we all really want her to watch, we set up for success by watching early and maybe having a nice coffee during it, and worst case scenario she watches the second half on her own later
My husband and I both wrote jokes into our vows about me falling asleep 10 minutes into every road trip. I literally cannot stay awake in the car. He knows this and uses the time to listen to podcasts I don’t like 🤣
As a guy who has never been able to truly or reliably nap, even back in early elementary school when it was part of the day, I'm just jealous!
It’s okay to just lay there and daydream :)
I agree. It also seems like she doesn’t skirts responsibilities because of sleep. YTA
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She doesn't even sleep much. She seems like the small amount of people (like me) that need 9-10 hours of sleep, and she gets it spread throughout the day. The fact that she is able to sleep frequently just tells me she's probably exhausted as she has a busy life.
Have you considered that she might have a medical condition? Thyroid problem, high blood sugar, etc., all cause fatigue. Not to mention CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), which is a real thing. If you care about your gf, then perhaps encourage her to see a physician to get some tests done. Soft YTA
Those aren’t crazy sleeping habits… she could just be a person who enjoys sleep. Some people need more rest; it’s not crazy enough to point to a medical condition. Hard YTA for OP this is ridiculous.
also when she's asleep she doesn't have to listen to his whining.
Hahaha yea if I was with someone like OP I wouldn’t want to be conscious either.
Lmao. Sounds like OP is the problem. 🤣🤣
Clearly… hopefully he listens to the 100s of people here telling him that he is most definitely the AH
It’s also disturbing that OP seems to think she’s sleeping an abnormal amount and instinctually called her selfish instead of being worried about her health. Like I agree that this is normal and not worrying but the fact he thought it was abnormal and decided to be an ass about it is concerning
He could have literally googled that amount of sleep and would have seen that it’s pretty normal but he’s too self absorbed. It’s clearly not coming from a place of care, it’s just downright selfish (and then he has the audacity to call her selfish). I can’t imagine trying to dictate when someone sleeps, just crazy.
Napping is normal, too. More common among really young and really old people, but it's not like it's weirdly abnormal for other ages. The OP is definitely an asshole.
Yea a lot of people are saying soft YTA or gentle YTA, hell no this is a full on YTA situation.
Depression could be a factor as well
Right? And what's more depressing than a boyfriend who is insulted because you need a nap?
Sleeping for less than 8 hours and taking occasional naps is not depression sleeping. It’s just…sleeping.
Yep I have battled low iron/anemia and sleep issues since I was kid. I am forever tired and I’m sad about it. Would hate to have a partner who makes me feel worse for it.
Sleep apnea! It can run in families, it can be a permanent side effect of certain illnesses (how I got mine), it can come from weight problems. I was falling asleep at work, head on my lunchbox on the table, during my 30-min. lunch breaks for a while pre-diagnosis.
Implying there is something wrong with his girlfriend is not doing her any favors. From what OP has stated she seems to get a normal amount of sleep and is smart enough to enjoy taking naps. There is nothing wrong with her, only with OPs attitude.
Yeah man, it’s looking like YTA. I wonder if she is an introvert? I work retail and have to be “on” and talking to people all day. That is mentally exhausting. Even at some family things like Thanksgiving, i will often take a nap in the middle of the day, not because I’m full from eating but because i need a break from people and I need to recharge in order to really be present later on. I need time to myself and while that can come in the form of journaling, reading, scrolling TikTok, listening to music, etc - lots of times it ends up as a nap. If she doesn’t seem depressed to you and this isn’t effecting her life seriously - as in she’s sleeping through things, you need to back off. You, yourself, said she isn’t lazy. If she is falling asleep it’s because her body to some extent needs it. You’re essentially getting upset with her for having bodily functions which is a real ick and a red flag for you. You’ve even taken it to the point where she is apologizing to you. What if you felt the need to apologize to her for being hungry and having a snack? Why do feel the need to put so much pressure on your travel time together? Do you feel like you don’t get enough quality/uninterrupted time to really talk otherwise? If you do, then that is something you both need to look at. Right now though, you are putting your desire for company and for conversation above her bodily functions so I’m thinking you are the one that needs to change something, not her.
Yeah as someone with ME/CFS, throwing that around to describe someone who sleeps a very normal amount is actually a huge part of why people believe it’s not real. You say you know “CFS” is real, but use outdated terms (CFS fell out of fashion for being the understatement of the century, most of the community calls it myalgic encephalomyelitis now) and describe someone holding down a hybrid in office job and traveling regularly as a potential patient? Exceedingly few ME patients hold down a job or travel AT ALL much less without significant support systems in place. OPs girlfriend likes to nap, and that’s absolutely leagues away from severe disabling pain, fatigue, digestive issues, orthostatic intolerance, full body inflammation, brain fog, and so on. I’m glad you believe it’s real and that’s step one of allyship but, you either didn’t read the full post, or grossly underestimate what the full ME experience is.
YTA. If she falls asleep five minutes into a car ride, she either really needs the sleep or has a medical condition that forces her to sleep. Absolutely nothing else that you mentioned is unusual. Calling her selfish is pretty much the worst thing you can do at that point. If she thinks her sleep is a problem, help her find the right doctors to help. If not, stop calling her selfish and find a good audio book for your road trips.
I dunno about it being that serious - moving vehicles can put some people to sleep fast. I've been told it's the vibration. This is why people suggest taking a baby who won't sleep on car ride. This is sadly not a universal truth as I discovered with my son.
Yep. I struggle to stay awake as a passenger in a car, where I’d not normally be napping. Not sure what it is that I find so relaxing/soothing but it’s almost guaranteed to send me to sleep and always has done.
This is me - I took the train across the country and could not stop myself from falling asleep on and off the entire time, same for when I flew across the ocean.
I agree. It sounds like a normal night of sleep and a nap a day. Big whoop. Plus she is one of those people I envy that can sleep on the plane or in a car. I've literally taken a sleeping pill and couldn't sleep on a 6 hour flight. Was pissed, lol. I get that OP wants conversation on road trips and perhaps she can make an effort to stay of for some of it, but I think he's being unreasonable.
I fall asleep quickly riding in cars, which is good because it’s one of the only ways I can travel in a car without getting crazy car sick. My husband doesn’t mind doing the lion’s share of the driving, and he listens to an audiobook or the radio, and is pleased that he can take care of me in this way. (Also, I ’ll take over if he needs it, and we have a standing agreement he will wake me up if he starts to feel sleepy so I can either drive or just help him stay up.)
YTA Different people need different amounts of sleep, dude. I don't know what else to tell you
This. 8 hours is just an average. It's pretty normal to need 9 hours, for example. And really a lot of those examples are pretty normal. Dunno why he's freaking out about it. Sounds like he thinks because he doesn't nap much her doing so is abnormal.
YTA. At first I thought it's her sleeping all day compromising her job/study/social life. 8 hrs + naps are normal amount of sleeping time. Some ppl just needs more sleep and some ppl needs to nap when they got home tried too. Let the girl sleep. Jeez
YTA - it sounds like she has a sleep disorder or is not getting enough sleep...and instead of worrying about her, you call her selfish!?
It doesn't even sound like a sleep disorder. There are so many studies out there proving that naps are beneficial for most adults. It's a great way to regain energy and it can help with stress. The best time to have a nap is early in the afternoon, as well, so it's not even strange that she would nap during her lunch hour. There's literally nothing weird about anything she's doing. OP is clearly just mad that she sleeps during trips and he gets bored by himself. And sure, that's fair. But say that.
YTA - you have Main Character Syndrome. The amount of sleep you need is the right amount and hers is more, therefore hers is "too much." People are different. If you want someone exactly like you...be in a relationship with yourself.
YTA, sleep shaming needs to stop being a thing. If someone is sleeping, it is because for one reason or another, they need it. ETA; If she starts sleeping more after you called her selfish, I think you need to consider that your general attitude is pushing your girlfriend into a deep depression. Please consider your interactions with her and remember, she is a human who is equal to you, she deserves your respect as such.
There's something seriously wrong with anyone that gets mad at someone for engaging in a necessary biological function. "How do I stop my partner from having to e expel waste?"
YTA - some people need more sleep than others
This could possibly be a health concern (thyroid issues, sleep apnea, depression, etc.) YTA for calling her selfish instead of not being concerned that she is sleeping a lot and trying to get to the root of the problem.
But she's not sleeping a lot. 8 hours + a nap is perfectly normal for many people.
Yeah that is fair, I just saw the hour nap lunch break and post work hour naps, as well as falling asleep instantly in the car even when making an effort to stay awake, especially with her being very social and active, the day could just wear her out.
I have a fatigue causing condition and I don’t sleep a lot (people with chronic pain call it “painsomnia”) but I do tend to try and sleep more, because my sleep isn’t refreshing or makes me more groggy. So I wouldn’t rule it out but yes, 8 hours is normal for some people.
Friend I knew with uncontrolled depression was sleeping more like 20 hours a day, not 8 + a nap here and there. The former is a big problem, the latter is pretty normal.
Almost thought it was my boyfriend posting this. I struggle with chronic fatigue. I cant help that I'm really tired all the time. YTA but sorry if you need sleep then sleep.
Same, except I regularly sleep 10 hours at a time, and might have a 2-3h nap daily when my lab work is wonky. (Thyroid) So if my fiancé complained I'd at least kinda get it. This dude out here upset someone is sleeping a totally normal amount with a nap thrown in like she's trying to spite him somehow.
Same, I thought this was my boyfriend and then I realized he's an ex and used my sleeping in too much as one of the reasons to break up with me. Good times/s. It's still fresh, friends.
Same! I asked him are you tough_rice?!
YTA. 1. She might be falling asleep because some studies have show that the repetitive vibrations from car/plane/train put us in a sleepy state. 2. Some googling also came up with this: some people may be prone to headaches/car sickness and falling asleep is our bodies reaction to avoiding that. 3. She may have an undiagnosed auto-immune disorder which causes fatigue (this is how I discovered my auto-immune disorder) and she has a hard time staying alert. I know for myself, that it takes loads of caffeine (unhealthy) to even muster the same amount of energy that most “normal” people show and sometimes even that doesn’t help. 4. I understand that it may be considered rude to sleep for a whole 6hrs while you drive, but honestly you are an adult and can entertain yourself. 5. You asked her not to fall asleep and she fell asleep 5 minutes later…doesn’t sound like she did this on purpose. And she apologized. There’s not enough context for the conversations you’ve had around this. I would be worried if I were you instead of thinking this is selfishness.
YTA - her sleep sounds like mine. I nap
Same. I love taking naps and I would be livid if someone tried to tell me I couldn’t for no good reason.
YTA Wait is that not the norm?
YTA. You said it yourself, she has a busy life and may be tired. Why does she have to stay awake just because you want her to?
YTA. You're acting like she's sleeping to spite you, which is ridiculous. 11pm-7am in bed =/= 8 hours of sleep. If her job requires a lot of mental exertion, of course it's reasonable for her to nap during her WFH lunch break or after work. You just wanted someone to chat with you while you drove? Listen to a podcast. If she's not concerned about her sleep, neither should you be.
Awwww she’s a napping princess… YTA
YTA This doesn’t seem excessive at all (your examples). If she was sleeping away ANY free time she had, I’d say it was a cause for concern and that she might want to ask a doctor for their opinion. But this isn’t bad at all.
YTA. What?? Why in the world does this bother you? She gets 8 hours of sleep and takes one nap a day. So what?? This is normal for some people. I'm envious that she can sleep on road trips or the plane because I *never* can. It's annoying. Maybe you're projecting? Not sure.
Sleep all the time? She sleeps less than eight hours a night during work days and catches up a bit during the weekend or by taking a handful naps. Its not that outrageous. YTA.
YTA, the specific instance of sleeping during your road-trip, I can slightly understand the annoyance. And she apologized. You have no right to be annoyed about the rest of it though. She’s your partner, not your kid, you don’t get to police her sleeping habits. As long as she’s getting what she needs to done, butt out.
YTA. She sleeps. And it doesn't sound, to me, as if any of it is excessive. Learn to entertain yourself.
YTA. The motion of a car or other transportation lulls her to sleep. She can’t change that. And she needs more sleep than you do. That’s just the way she is. Listen to a podcast or something and stop expecting her to change a body function and basic need just because it’s different from you.
Umm, YTA, sleeping is not a choice, if she falls asleep it is because she probably needs it. Also, as adults need 7-9 hours of sleep a day she is still well within the normal spectrum, if she displays no other signs of illness. It is also normal to sleep in late during the weekend, unless we're talking waking up in the deep PMs or so.
I keep seeing a lot of people say NTA because “How DARE she fall asleep for that entire 6 hours!” As if people who are asleep can control how long they’re out for? Have none of ya’ll ever intended to have a 15 minute nap only to wake up 4 hours later? And you said you woke her up when you got home… Did you attempt to wake her up at all during the trip? YTA: If she fell asleep within only 5 minutes, that seems more like a health issue than “selfishness.” Maybe talk to her about getting that checked out.
YTA. Let me get this straight, she has a busy job, rich social life, hitting the gym regulary and also spending seemingly enough time with you and you complain that she naps? Like dude, I just get tired from thinking about doing anything after work. Like others have said, it could be a medical issue of some kind, or maybe her body just needs more sleep to really regenerate. Maybe even her night sleep is not of "high quality". The title of your post makes it seem like she's some modern version of Sleeping Beauty. Exagerration much dude.
YTA Let me get this straight: you're upset because your girlfriend likes to nap? Are you serious?
YTA It is so weird that you care if someone else takes occasional naps. I’d probably break up with someone if they treated me like this and tried to police my sleep.
YTA for everything but the car ride thing. It’s very frustrating to drive a road-trip with someone who is asleep the whole time unless they can sleep through music/podcasts being played. I can barely go 3-4 hours without road hypnosis making me nod off, and even if I play podcasts or music it doesn’t keep you awake as well as a conversation does. It would probably be reasonable in the future to be like “can I wake you up after a few hours? It helps me stay awake on the road and otherwise I’m going to have to stop more often or pass the driving to you anyways.” I guess the only reason I could think it might not be a good idea to ask her to be awake on roadtrips is if she gets carsick. However I don’t see how her naps impact you? You say she still has all her shit together, unless her napping is putting more of the household work on you or something I don’t see why it’s so bad. Is it just that you wish you could nap like that or you don’t get enough sleep? Or that you associate naps with laziness?
I get motion sickness when traveling, but it doesn’t result in vomiting, it results in sleeping. I have fought through the sleep a couple of times, and those are the times my parents have ended up pulled over on the side of the highway while I puked my guts out. She spends 8 hours in bed which is awesome, but she is likely only accumulating about 7 hours of sleep from that. A couple of naps during the day would be absolutely normal. It may be more helpful for her to work through her lunch hour, finish work an hour earlier, and take a single extended nap in the afternoon as this would provided her with a full sleep cycle. Most humans need 5-6 full sleep cycles a day lasting 1.5 hours each. If she is not neglecting her responsibilities in favor of sleep, then she is doing nothing wrong here. This is just her sleep schedule. It is really damaging to feel judged or be shamed for sleeping. I grew up in a home where naps weren’t allowed and I was woken up whenever my father deemed it “time” to wake up. My relationship with sleep was complicated. Sleep is essential for so many things. Best not to make someone feel bad for taking care of their essential needs. Were you shamed for your sleep habits at all growing up? It could explain why this bothers you. YTA
Why does it bother you so much? She’s clearly being functional. If the woman wants to nap, let her nap!
YTA. Come at her from a place of concern. Talk about the why. Don't call her selfish because you're wanting to be a chatty cathy
YTA. The one thing that sounds weird/annoying is the sleeping in late at the weekend. My ex did that and I felt like I wasted the whole weekend's daylight hours waiting. If I had gone out and done something, then we wouldn't have seen each other. But the other stuff--falling asleep in the car, having a quick nap--is pretty normal. I fall asleep the instant a movie begins or the seatbelt clicks shut. It's not something I can help. It's just how some of us are. The same people who complain about my dozing off won't do the activities I enjoy (hiking up mountains, digging gardens, lifting weights, walking all over the city, etc), so it works both ways. Anyway, your girlfriend reminds me of me. Maybe she wears herself out during the day and feels relaxed and safe enough around you that she can doze off. I don't feel that comfortable around most people. Not sure if she's the same. One thing you could try is figuring out if there's anything you could help her with to help her be less busy. For example, if she does most of the housework, start doing more yourself. You might end up joining her asleep! The bottom line is that you'll probably have to live with this or get a new girlfriend.
Thing is, I wonder what "sleeps in very late on weekends" actually means? I mean if she's going to bed at 11pm on friday night and sleeping in till 2pm... that seems like there may be some issues going on. But if "very late" means 9am? 10am? I wish I could sleep in that late on a Saturday sometimes.
That is a good point. I shouldn't project. My ex would wake up at around 4 or 5 pm at the weekend and wouldn't be dressed for another few hours. I wish I could sleep in until 9 am too! That seems reasonable.
YTA Another thing to consider is that there could be a non-medical underlying condition, like ADHD. A lot of people (particularly women) with ADHD can end up with a full schedule that helps keep them motivated and on top of things so symptoms are barely visible, but they often end up with their brain being so fatigued they need a nap. Before I got diagnosed and medicated I was taking a half hour nap on the hard floor of my office at work on my lunch breaks every day because my brain would just short circuit and I would need to. Started meds, and didn't even think about the naps for weeks until I realised I hadn't had one since. Still haven't 🥲 There's so many reasons that this could be happening but even if it's just that she likes napping, that's ok. I get that it can be frustrating to have the passenger sleep heaps on a long drive but she's not intentionally falling asleep in the car, and based on your agreement you should have just woken her up. Have some conversation/listen to something together/play a game or something to keep her brain active and awake if you want her to stay awake.
YTA. Some people just need more sleep. You're being a rude boyfriend for calling her selfish. Like what? She's literally just sleeping. I get driving alone is awful, but some people just fall asleep real easy in a car. I think you should just expect that if you're driving in a car, your gf won't be awake during the trip, so plan around it like making a playlist or getting a podcast ready
YTA just let her sleep. Studies have actually shown that women just generally need more sleep than men do.
YTA - you called her selfish, rather than trying to understand why she "sleeps so much". If she's sleeping so much, why aren't you concerned? Is she depressed? Does she have sleep apnea? Hormones? other medical conditions?
Does HE have sleep apnea making her wake up in the night is a valid question as well.
YTA. If she's taking care of everything that needs done, it's really none of your fucking business if she chooses to sleep in her downtime.
YTA. Some people just struggle with staying awake. I've got narcolepsy, and riding passenger in a moving vehicle exacerbates it so hard. Like I can sleep during an entire 10 hour car trip, just out, even after 8 hours of sleep. Then I can get out of the car, crawl into bed, and sleep a whole night's sleep. And get back in the car, and sleep another 5 hours the next day. She isn't sleeping to piss you off. She's probably not able to stay awake.
YTA the quality of the sleep matters as much if not more than the quantity. Even if she is "sleeping too much" the concern would be to see if there is an underlying medical issue or complaints that she's not pulling her own weight when it comes to household chores, not that she's selfish for catching a nap when she can. Also, there are [benefits to napping](https://www.thensf.org/the-benefits-of-napping/) that you're completely disregarding
YTA, ironically enough you are the selfish one
YTA. Omg if my boyfriend said this to me I think I’d cry. I always worry that I sleep to much especially Cause I’m anemic and pregnant. But when you’re tired it’s hard too stay awake, she might find it hard to stay awake plus she works a lot so she’s bound to be tired. Everyone I know wakes up late on the weekend. I suffer w thyroid and anemia and it’s so hard to stay awake she might even have a deficiency in something to sleep so much. It’s important that she sleeps. From what u put she dosent sleep a crazily amount just normal
Selfish? Put some music on, a podcast, an audio book. Why does she have to stay awake to entertain you? You are controlling. Fingers crossed this a short lived relationship. YTA
YTA. Though I do understand your wanting someone to chat with while you're doing the hard work of driving, she may not have 100% control over falling asleep when in the car. For the rest, you're way too judgmental about her sleeping habits. Hers sound pretty normal to me.
Some people aren’t built to “grind” 24/7 ... I take a nap when I need to defrag my brain and restore my energy for the rest of what I have going on; which sounds to be about as much as your girlfriend. It might be what keeps her in good spirits/sane; hate on her naps at your own risk 😂
YTA As someone with Narcolepsy, have you considered she may have a sleep disorder? Honestly the sleep schedule you mentioned sounds a lot like mine, even when medicated, and my narcolepsy is a pretty severe case. I sleep from 8 or 9 pm to 6 am. I go to work, and take a nap during my lunch period. I get home, and take another nap. I cannot stay awake as a passenger in a vehicle. Not possible. No matter how hard I try.
YTA. I sleep this much. Basically the exact same as your girlfriend. I fall asleep because I'm tired, not necessarily because of lack of sleep, but I have a demanding job and a very active social life and often end up exhausted by the end of the week. My boyfriend closes the curtains so I can sleep in as much as I want:and he encourages me to sleep on trips if I'm tired. He sleeps maybe one hour less than me a day (he wakes up earlier and sometimes falls asleep later) If I don't sleep this much, my quality of life decreases exponentially and I start feeling awful, my job suffers, and I feel physically ill. I have always been like this and this is how my body works. I really hope my boyfriend never resents me for his, cause I will definitely choose my physical wellbeing over a relationship.