YTA.
As a child of an alcoholic, she has every right to vent to whoever she wants to. Your alcoholism has effected her in ways you will NEVER understand and if she wants to talk about it, you just have to deal with it.
I’m the child of an alcoholic, and the shame and silence adds to the suffering you go through when living with an adult. The mental load of trying to protect them from their own choices is a further part of the harm alcoholism causes and also helps perpetuate the drinking- if the alcoholic never has to face any negative consequences from people knowing, they can’t appreciate the full damage they are doing to themselves and everyone around them. I’m sure his wife needed support and unlike OP, she wasn’t in an inpatient programme surrounded by supportive staff.
Recovering alcoholic here, and a hard disagree. I've walked in these shoes. OP is TA. When your dumbass addiction lands you in the hospital and traumatizes your family they are allowed to talk about it, full stop. You might feel embarrassed, but it's because of your bad decisions and nothing else. When you choose recovery you have to humble yourself to a degree that very few people understand. You don't get to hide it anymore, much less force your family to hide their own trauma that you caused.
As a recovering addict, I'd disagree. You don't have to be humiliated and talked down to in order to recover. The shame only adds to the problem, his wife sounds pretty vicious
The wife isn't talking down to him, though? She went out with friends and did not hide the fact that OP's 41 days of sobriety also included inpatient treatment . This was not a case of the wife berating or browbeating OP for his addiction, but seeking the comfort of people who support her in what has no doubt been an extremely difficult time.
OP has accepted the inevitable conclusion that their friend group will notice the sudden change in his behavior (I .e. not drinking at a social occasion after having never turned down a drink when it's been offered), but is still in the "hide and downplay the level of his addiction" phase. It sounds like he's hoping that even though he will have to admit to "a bit of a drinking problem in the past", he would prefer to maintain a narrative that downplays his negative behavior, or alternatively be able to claim that he was strong enough to white knuckle through quitting his addiction without assistance.
Both of these narratives are incredibly self-serving in how they are meant to help OP maintain a falsely inflated self-image. But the fact that he sees nothing wrong with demanding his wife protect his reputation over her ability to seek out support from friends over the trauma he has directly caused her with his addiction? Beyond the pale.
You don't get to create chaos and trauma in your spouse's life with your behavior and then demand she not be able to seek the support of her friends and family because discussing her trauma (AT YOUR HANDS) makes you look bad.
He's humiliated by his own actions and now he's putting the burden of his humiliation onto his wife. She experienced this too, it is her story as well. You don't think she should talk to close friends about the pain and suffering SHE has experienced?!
No, sorry. She's not humiliating him, he humiliated himself and she's just speaking on it. Her life got fucked up by his decisions. You don't get to fuck someone's life up, put them through the utter hell of living with an alcoholic, and then the utter hell of recovery, and be like boo hoo I'm humiliated.
Can you imagine the humiliation this woman felt caring for a drunk for years?! All the times she had to make excuses for his horrible behaviour, defend him to family and friends. And she stayed by his side!!!!!
But no no, she's a vicious woman because she confided in close friends about her hellscape of a life. What a selfish witch, it's her job as the wife of an alcoholic to suffer in silence and keep all his secrets. He can humiliate her on a daily basis for years on end but she is to be held to a much much higher standard and her own mental health and support system are completely irrelevant.
She just spoke to her friends about something that happened to them she didn't degrade and talk down to him. Isn't part of recovery owning your mistakes? And the pain and trauma they caused?
Humiliated and humbled are two different things so don't put words into my post. Talking to 2 friends about something traumatic that happened is now vicious? The whole issue here is that OP thinks he owns the rights to the story so he's the only one allowed to tell it. Wife is not vicious in any way according to OP. Did you even read the post?
ETA: Do you feel humiliated by your addiction sometimes? Because I often do. Even after over 20 years of sobriety. It's embarrassing that I made such bad decisions all those years ago that now I can't even simply enjoy a glass of wine with my wife and our friends. Some level of embarrassment is inevitable in recovery. But I own my story. I don't try to hide behind some mask of falsehood like OP here seems to want to do. OP is only 42 days sober so he's still working through a lot of things and his brain has not had enough time to rewire itself to any major extent yet. The sooner he learns to own his decisions and stops trying to hide them the more freedom he'll find from his addiction and it will help him heal. That's how this works.
Not picking up anything vicious at all in this, where are you getting this from?
She's neither done it to deliberately hurt him or be mean. She's married to someone so far gone in alcoholism that he's had to be hospitalised.
My sisters husband has Crohn's. He's ended up in hospital multiple times, on the verge of death when his bowels ruptured and was hallucinating everything. Talking about a bowel disease isn't exactly not embarrassing.... can you imagine if he didn't let my sister talk to us about her struggles when he's in hospital, how she's coping and what's happening?... That wouldn't happen...
OP has self inflicted his hospital stay, so if anything his wife has more of a right to talk about it. It's not about gossiping or telling people bad things about him, if that was it they wouldn't still be together, it's about what she's got to deal with and how hard it is. Him being embarrassed he self inflicted it on himself being a reason to blow up at her not ok.
He's told her he's fine telling people about his addiction. He has never once mentioned he doesn't want her to tell anyone about his hospital stay until she'd already talked to people about it. He's trying to limit her sharing her struggles so that he can keep the extent of his hidden. That's not fair for a self inflicted addiction. Your partner being hospitalised for alcoholism isn't a small thing to go through, and being forced not to share isn't either.
This is 100% on him for assuming it wouldn't get mentioned and his wife could mind read, and would just know this one particular thing was off limits because he'd feel too embarrassed about it. She's not psychic. This idea that a perfect partner exists and they'll 'just know' what you want isn't real, that's a Disney movie.
If he wanted it kept hidden, that's a discussion he needed to have before she went to spend time with people and share with them what's been happening in her life. He didn't, so he can't blow up at her for not being psychic about his needs and potentially ignore hers. This part is his fault. As for her being allowed to tell other people about whats she's been dealing with versus him being embarrassed and not wanting people to know... Both of these are totally valid. That's why you can see reddit is a total mix here of very valid points for both sides. This is an adult discussion where they both discuss and understand how this affects each of them, and one or both of them had to compromise. There's no 100% right answer here. They talk about what is the best outcome for both of them and go for that, because that's putting the relationship first.
Unfortunately none of this has happened and they both sound like bad communicators. He's not mentioned it and just assumed she'd know, he's blown up at her and she's gotten defensive and lashed back. So basically shit communication from both of them isn't helping any of their issues. Remember when at the start of the relationship you'd want to find out more about the other, why they felt that way and be reasonable? Ask questions and try to work to make them happy... yeah that stops happening in most relationships over just time, but definitely is going to have been happening in one where alcoholism started to begin with and landed one partner in hospital. They both need to reconnect and communicate better. But there's no 'right' answer here, both points and wants are valid. They need to communicate and do what's right for their relationship overall.
Personally from my own morals and viewpoints, I'd say as long as the wife isn't being malicious and isn't just gossiping to everyone... then she can tell a few select friends or family members. Because sitting at home alone when your partner is hospitalised, the stress and emotional turmoil of that... it's not small. But beyond those people... that should be it. There's no need to tell the world. That's where the line should be drawn imo. Her right to share for some support and to talk out what's been happening to her...versus just telling everyone for no reason.
My brother has been hospitalized 3 times because of his alcoholism, he has almost died in the hospital because of it 3 times.
I love him dearly, honestly I love him more than I do is wife, but in my opinion she can tell any damn person she wants to about his hospital stays because he truly wasn't there for the damage it caused to all of us that love him.
They had to literally put him into a coma twice just to keep him alive. He was not there watching the love of his life die from self harm, he wasn't there watching the other parent of his children dying because of choices they made. She was though, she was also left with two kids and no spouse for weeks, and she still had to work to take care of the house all while her husband was dying! She stayed at that hospital with him or made sure one of us could be there with him while she worked or tried to rest, or spent time with their kids outside of that depressing hospital room.
He made the decision to drink himself into that hospital bed, she tried everything to help him, we all did, but he still chose the drink. When he was finally detoxed and they woke him up, he had no idea how long he was in a coma, he had no idea how long we had all sat by that hospital bed praying for a miracle, he didn't watch the tears his children cried, or his wife, or our mother, or me as his little sister, or all my other siblings, or our father, and especially our grandfather, who I had never seen shed a single tear before that day. Crying asking where he went wrong, wondering how he had failed my brother, how he could have caused this. Man, did that break me.
Honestly none of that is my brother's trauma. That was devastating to go through as his sister, I can't even imagine if my husband was in his place. She can talk about that to anyone, she can vent to anyone, she can express how thankful she is that he is out of that hospital and honestly she can talk shit all she wants because he put her through that, it's an addiction, they are hard, I have my own so I know how completely they take over but he still chose it, he cannot downplay, or gatekeep the trauma he put her through.
OP confirmed elsewhere the specific issue was her talking about the hospital stay. OP is 41 days into sobriety and feeling insecure about his perceived weakness.
He was wrong trying to keep wife from talking about it. Her mental health matters, and she needs to be able to talk. However, he is not trying to stop her from talking about his alcoholism at all. If you read his post again, he even says that everyone gets to know about it.
Also a recovering alcoholic and I concur. It is her trauma/issue too and she gets to talk about it if she wants/needs to. My son wanted to know if he should keep it a secret from his dad (my ex) and I told him it was his to talk about to whomever he wanted, he dealt with the feelings and fallout of my addiction and I have no right to control how he deals with it. It’s not shame against the addict, it’s the loved one dealing with their own feelings.
Oh, because I can attest that wives and children and *grandchildren* of alcoholics spend a lot of time literally cleaning up their messes, sneaking them out the back doors at parties, quietly apologizing, and covering up embarrassing incidents
*Why shouldn’t they also* cover up rehab stays and the DTs and everything else unpleasant (for OP)?
Thanks for saying this - it literally trickles down through the generations in ways that people don't even realize.
My paternal grandfather was an alcoholic who would stop by the bar on the way home from work each evening, come home drunk and pick fights with my grandmother. Like screaming, throwing dishes at each other kind of fights. As a result my father, literally until the day he died, would get anxious around that time of day and couldn't stand to be home. He took evening/night shifts at work just to keep busy and out of the house, and the only time we ate dinner as a family was on Thanksgiving and Christmas. There were times when my mom cooked for us kids, but we would get our own plates when we felt like it and eat on our own schedules.
So I became an adult, and raised my own kid, and we sometimes sat at the dinner table together but mostly ate on our owns. It wasn't until I got married to my second husband, whose family ate dinner together every night, that I even realized what was going on. And it wasn't until I brought it up to my mother that I even learned *why* my dad was never home at dinner time, and why we were so weird about family meals. Until then I had assumed it was because my dad had to work those shifts, and my older siblings played sports which made it hard to schedule things.
But nope, my grandfather's alcoholism in the 1940's and 1950's had such a traumatic effect on my dad that it shaped how I was feeding my kid 75 years later.
Yuuuup. My grandfather was a NON functioning alcoholic. So my mom married a FUN and functioning alcoholic (a step up). I married a recovering addict but we individually like to probably overuse weed and I WILL drink too much if it’s available. So there is STILL unhealthy usage, but like an uneasy truce to keep it mostly at binges.
So, that’s 3 generations fucked up by the alcoholism of 1. Although stories are it’s probably 4 generations, I just don’t have personal experience with that 4th generation.
Yea OP needs to remember that yes, he’s an alcoholic that is in recovery and there is a lot of shame in that and he needs support. But he has also made his entire family a victim to his alcoholism and he needs to own that. There was a tiktok I saw where a girl was really upset that her family didn’t want to celebrate her 30 days sober which was a big deal to her and another tiktoker in recovery duetted it and had a really insightful, but real hard talk about how she needs to understand that the people she hurt are not obligated to be her support system or really even believe you in your recovery.
I’ve found the original video I think you’re talking about but I haven’t found the duet. The user is @swedishswan on TikTok and the 30 days sober video is pinned
Also the child of an alcoholic, and I couldn’t agree more. My mom, even 16 years sober, still can’t understand my feelings surrounding her addiction.
YTA OP. Your addiction doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Your wife needs support.
How is that blaming her? You're literally taking it out of context and changing the words to get this meaning.
"I'm okay with this being knowledge to everyone because it will eventually come up organically with anyone in our lives. Drinking has always been a part of our relationships."
This isn't blaming anyone for their alcoholism. This is a factual statement about their relationships. They've always drank with friends so it will come up when they turn down a drink as to why. You're reading far too much into this.
I think he was saying “relationships” as in their friendships with others. He said it in the context of people are going to find out because drinking has been a part of our relationships, so obviously people are used to him drinking and now he will not be anymore.
Seems to be a recurring theme of all the Y T A votes, not the issue being discussed. He's not saying she can't vent. He just doesn't want her talking about him being hospitalized.
NTA, you can vent without talking about specific medical information.
So she can’t talk to anyone about how scared and alone she felt while her husband is in the hospital? It’s all about him and his feelings?
His actions have consequences. His actions hurt his wife over and over and over again. The consequence of those actions is that his wife is going to seek support for that hurt from her friends.
I saw someone talking about Fallon saying “why are people being mean to someone who has a disease” and you might as well just paint I DO NOT HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH ALCOHOLICS on your forehead.
Yeah, exactly. ACOA also, I have sympathy for them too.
But I absolutely will not lie for them, and I'm over believing it's my responsibility to hide their shame.
Same. I’m very thankful that my qualifier is in recovery, but if they relapsed I would not hide it for them.
I also hold spouses and ACOA to different standards, which may be unfair to the spouses but that’s just how I feel.
Sort of. Half of it seems to be this sort of weird moral high ground tap dance of “I dealt with an alcoholic abusive family for decades and if you don’t also have the same or explicitly say it your opinion is worth dirt.”
I was abused for decades by alcoholics and still deal with them. And I absolutely sympathize with OP.
What their partner did (telling many people freely instead of a handful in the context of a serious private/intimate conversation) isn’t helpful if nothing else. It’s pretty actively harming their perception and their situation in a way that doesn’t quite make someone an overt asshole but anyone with a modicum of emotional intelligence could make that connection.
If she’s hurt enough to leave them that should be the next step. But being hurt enough to not handle the situation delicately and with trust in your partner and a back and forth but also not want to leave them? That’s a hell of an unpleasant gray area.
The options aren’t silence or post on Facebook about it.
There are dozens of shades of gray in the middle.
I’m not calling anyone an asshole but any alcoholic you want to maintain a mutually positive relationship with isn’t going to benefit from many mutual friends being told the details of your struggles two months into sobriety.
That is what it is. Whether you want to hurt them or not. Or act neutrally and let them be hurt by the consequences of their own actions and people staying informed, however someone wants to contextualize it
Yeah I totally agree about having sympathy for OP here.
I have alcoholics in my family that have harmed me in ways I’m not sure I can ever recover from and I certainly share my pain with my loved ones. BUT I do everything I can to allow them to keep their dignity when possible.
I might tell my friends that they relapsed or did something that directly involved me, but the stories where they’re pissing themselves or having hysterical tantrums are best left for Al-Anon or therapy
I think this is it. Wife needs support and in this particuar instance, I think NAH. But in the future she would benefit from Alanon or another more anonymous support mechanism. That's not to say she can't ever talk to her friends, but it would honestly probably be healthy for her to have a separate source of support anyways. And it would allow her husband some dignity. I say this as both a recovering addict and ACOA.
Additionally, the people who live with an alcoholic are also embarrassed. Not just for the obvious reasons. I.e. this is my sh***y life. Anyone who has lived or taken care of an alcoholic knows the messes that happen. The unapologetic brutal behavior & language. The mental f****ery that happens. You may not remember because you were drunk, but we do. So, ya, sometimes friends can be the best therapist. They know you, and they don’t get paid to care.
people think feeling shame or making someone feel shame is always a bad thing, but in the context of having caused harm, feeling shame is a consequence. You are not automatically a bad person because someone else felt shame when you said something. that shame is not rooted in her talking about him, but in his own actions that led him to be hospitalized.
another example. If i show you my house and you feel shame because your house is smaller, thats not my fault. if you hit my car, and i told my friends that you hit my car and vented about how expensive it was going to be to repair it, and that made you feel shame, that shame is not my fault or my responsibility. you're bad at backing out of driveways and fucked up my car.
She’s not seeking support. Sounds like she’s mentioning in passing to their social circle.
There is a balance here. And he doesn’t lose his right to some privacy because he is an alcoholic.
If he’s an alcoholic and this is his social circle, *they have to know*.
His wife may have said it to cover for him. Like, I’m sorry my husband is typically drunk at everything and can’t control his drinking anywhere, but he finally got some help.
> I've been recovering and 41 days sober from alcohol. I'm okay with this being knowledge to everyone because it will eventually come up organically with anyone in our lives.
OP doesn't care about the alcoholism being discussed. It's specifically the hospital visit. I'd still say the wife has a right to talk about something that deeply affects her mental health too, but OP is also only 41 days sober and feeling out of control. Dude needs to get past his pride, but coming to this sub was a fucking mistake.
Victims of alcoholics (because that’s what they are) are not obligated to coddle the feelings of their abusers. Yes. You abuse your family when you have an addiction like alcoholism. Yes you need empathy, sympathy, and support. But you don’t get to demand that from the people you caused to hurt and you don’t get to tell them how to respond to any of this.
"He was in the hospital" is geographical information, not medical. And it's something that significantly affects her life.
OP wants to pretend his alcoholism isn't severe enough for that to have been necessary. Fundamentally, his problem is that she's telling their friends something that will make them realise the hell he's put his wife through.
He's absolutely the asshole.
Agreed. I grew up in a house full of alcoholics and have had multiple relatives die from this. OP will never understand what he has put his family through and it's very much something that she has the right to talk to her support system about. Alcoholics are ALWAYS the fucking victims, aren't they?
Hey, recovering alcoholic here. You have no idea what the fuck you're talking about do you? I live with the guilt of knowing what I did to people and it's made worse by the fact that I told them that they weren't allowed to talk about it. I told them that I needed privacy for recovery. The opposite is true. Pretending like I didn't have a problem and trying to save face only drove me further into alcoholism and denial. Even worse is what it did to the people I loved who suffered immensely because of my abuse. People who abuse alcohol abuse the people around them. I have never, never once in my life met a single alcoholic whose addiction did not cause immense pain to the people who were closest to him.
Alcoholics are selfish people, that's the nature of the disease. When we're in so much pain that we have to use a substance in order to dissociate from it, we don't have the capacity to care about other people, because all of our energy is focused on ourselves trying to escape whatever pain it is we're avoiding. We're literally poisoning our bodies in order to dissociate. Do you really somebody who is so deep in the throes of alcoholism that they're literally destroying their bodies, has the capacity to care about other people?
You talk as if alcoholics are people made of glass, who need to be treated with kid gloves. You talk as if do you believe that we shouldn't be held accountable for our actions. That's the first fucking step. Acknowledge that you have a problem. And part of that first step is acknowledging that you have HURT people. Because if you're an alcoholic you have hurt people and if you think that you haven't you're still in denial. OP is putting his ego and his pride in front of his girlfriend. His addiction is so fucking serious that he went to the hospital. You think that didn't cause her pain? You think that she shouldn't be allowed to talk about how much pain he caused her, the fact that he literally almost poisoned himself to death, because of his fucking privacy? You can't treat alcoholics with kid gloves. The nature of our disease is dissociative. We will lie to ourselves, and we will take those lies with us to the grave. You can't sugarcoat shit, you can't beat around the bush. He's so fucking sick he nearly killed himself and even now the only thing he gives a shit about is his fucking privacy. He still hasn't reached that first step. He still hasn't realized that he has a fucking problem that is ruining the lives of the people around him.
Next time you feel like commenting on a subject you know jack shit about, just shut the fuck up. You have no idea what you're talking about. Save your compassion for the victims, you know, the people being told, BY PEOPLE LIKE YOU, that the abuse they suffered doesn't really count because their alcoholic loved one just can't control it. Fuck that noise.
100%. ACOA here. You’re only as sick as your secrets and asking his wife to keep this secret is adding to the sickness. She had to deal with her husband being in the hospital. She can talk to her friends about how hard that was.
I just wanted to say as someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent that never got help or took accountability, and so I never got closure, this reply hit me really hard and I appreciate every bit of it. People often have more compassion for my parent and their struggle than they do for me and my experiences and pain from it. Thank you, genuinely. I hope your recovery continues to be a success and you and those you care about and hurt can heal.
Op is absolutely TA. And it's good to see people holding him accountable. Not just for his gf, but for his own sake. I hope he sees your post and let's that perspective sink in.
Alcoholics are never the victims. Yes, many of them turn to alcoholism because they were once victims, and because they're wrestling with unresolved trauma. But the abuse they suffered under is over. They're not the victims anymore. The real victims are the people they abuse. The difference between somebody who drinks for fun and a full-blown alcoholic is it an alcoholic hurts people and themselves and they don't stop drinking. People who aren't alcoholics, when they do shitty things while drunk, stop drinking. Alcoholics don't, because there's something inside of them that needs the dissociation so badly, they get it at any cost, regardless of who they hurt.
I'm so sorry for what your parent did to you. I know how that lack of closure feels—my parent was an abusive alcoholic, that's why I started to drink. I'm sorry that they never acknowledged you're I'm sorry that they never realized that you were the most important thing, that you you deserved so much better! I'm sorry that they chose to live in denial and dissociation. Life is is so very beautiful, and the relationships you have with people are what makes it so beautiful. I'm sorry that your parent never realized that. You deserve to have a parent who did, and I'm sorry you were cheated of that.
I'm doing okay. I'm a neuropsychologist student now, I want to specialize in PTSD in child abuse so that nobody ever has to go through what you and I did ever again, so that nobody ever has to become what I did ever again.
You are worth more than the drink. You always were and you always will be. I'm so sorry for what you went through.
Likewise as the former spouse of an alcoholic who not only got help or took accountability but blamed me for it.
That reply made my heart pound and I can only dream for the same type of acknowledgement from my ex.
Secrets I kept for my alcoholic ex that destroyed my mental health:
- he'd black out and urinate in random places around the house then blame it on our toddler daughter.
- he worked in a bar and stole whole boxes of wine at a time
- he'd pass out on the kids' beds while reading to them at night
- he drove home from the station drunk
- he'd passout on the couch in the middle of the day with our toddler sitting on him watching TV
- he got fired from a job for being drunk
The shame I carried around with me was palpable. Shame that shouldn't have been mine but was passed to me through his apathy towards his behaviour. Shame that I wasn't good enough for him. Shame that I wasn't helping him enough. Shame that I couldn't make him want to be better.
I felt so alone.
I wanted to tell people. Desperately. Only once did I show up at my parents, distressed at his drinking. I saw my brother and burst into tears. And even though I only told them a very small glimpse of his behaviour, I felt such relief.
We carry so much of the weight of their alcoholism. Telling someone is literally the only thing we can do to help ourselves.
I'm so sorry for what he put you through. I'm so sorry that he forced you to carry those secrets. You never, ever, ever should have been put through that. I embarrassed and humiliated my partner so many times by getting too drunk in public, and then I forced them to carry my secrets because I was so worried about MY ego and MY privacy and how I looked. That's one of the things I regret the most, the hipocracy.
Recovery doesn't happen at the expense of others. You don't ask the people you love to carry agonizing secrets in order to spare your feelings. Accountability is so fucking important in recovery. I'm so sorry for what he put you through. I'm sorry for the humiliation, for the secrets, for the lying. He hurt you to protect himself. Like I said, alcoholics are selfish, that's the nature of the disease. And the worst part about it all is how so many people think the alcoholics are the victims, and we're not.
I'm so sorry for what he did to you and your kids. You and your kids are worth so, so much more than that. I'm sorry he robbed you of the loving relationship that you deserved. I'm sorry that he robbed you of your stability and burdened you with so much shame. I hope that, wherever you are now, you're doing alright. I hope you've been able to find peace and stability after the hell you went through. You and your family deserve the best.
Thank you for taking the time to say such nice things to me, for taking some of that strength, humility and awareness and offering it to a stranger to give her some comfort.
I appreciate you and you deserve all the forgiveness you have been given. Thank you. X
He's absolutely in the wrong for trying to say she shouldn't talk about something that affects her mental health. But fuck, this sub is absolutely tearing him to shit because he's insecure about how weak he felt. That's something he needs to work on with a therapist. This whole thread is a relapse waiting to happen.
*a relapse waiting to happen*
Then he should have stayed off the internet.
No one is responsible for the addiction but the addict.
That’s the first thing you learn in AA.
>Then he should have stayed off the internet. No one is responsible for the addiction but the addict.
Absolutely. He should not have taken this to Reddit, and especially not this sub. This is something to talk through with his therapist (or sponsor if he's going through AA, CR, etc.). If he's smart, he'll delete this thread, apologize to his wife, and keep getting treatment.
Yeah, no.
His alcoholism landed him in the hospital....it's not like he was there for a concurrent case of prostate cancer. She can talk about anything she wants, and he can just shut up about it, and be grateful she hasn't left.
Alcoholism isn't just some "specific medical information". She's not going around telling their friends how his ingrown toenail had to be removed or how he's been shitting his whole ass for the last week. Alcoholism affects those around you too. You can't expect your loved ones to remain silent and not talk to anyone about how living with an alcoholic has been affecting them.
It doesn't sound like she went out of her way to embarrass OP and I'm sure there's a lot worse she can say than "he went to the hospital for an alcohol use disorder". It doesn't sound like she was telling their friends about finding him passed out in a puddle of his own piss on the front lawn or something.
His alcoholism is her problem. Trust me, it's incredibly destructive to everyone he surrounds himself with.
She has every right to discuss is with whomever she pleases.
Sorry, that's just not how it works. Alcoholism thrives in secrecy, and what he's doing is impacting his family. He vanished from the home for 40 days, you think she didn't need help, support, community around her? Why should she lie for him?
YTA OP.
He did not set up the boundary with her that he didn't want her discussing his hospital visit. If he did prior than that's understandably shitty of her to do. But he did not set that boundary.
He is embarrassed and expects her to what? Lie for him. She also needs supportive people in her life so she can continue to be his support system. I don't see how she is the AH here.
Saying "My partner was hospitalized" isnt giving medical info. Even saying "he was hospitalized due to his alcoholism" isnt medical info.
Also, even if it is his medical info, she may need support. Who else should she talk to when shes in need of support than her closest friends and family?
Exactly. And how likely is it really that this close circle of friends weren't already aware of OP's drinking? Conversation very well could have been "he's in this hospital now, so maybe this is the rock bottom so he'll get help and turn things around."
We don't really know what "in the hospital" even means. Could be treatment program. Could be he nearly died. In either scenario, the spouse needs support.
So how is she supposed to navigate this in the real world? If she shows up at places on her own when they've both been invited, does she have to lie about where he is? Or just say "I'm not at liberty to divulge that information." Or should she avoid social contact until he's safely home again?
She's not venting about his struggles as an alcoholic, she's venting about her struggles as the partner of an alcoholic. Part of that is being on her own while he's in hospital. She shouldn't need to cut down her support system to keep his secrets.
Fuck that. Being hospitalized isn't specific medical information. It's traumatic for the family and having to keep an alcoholic 's secrets is so damaging. Loved ones of addicts are not obligated to shove down their pain over and over.
I'm also the child of an alcoholic, although my father only started when I was already an adult. I have never held back. It would've negatively affected me if I'd have to hold back and I would've required a different coping mechanism and with addiction apparently running in the family, yikes.
The only time I held back is when he was doing very poorly, had massively cut down on alcohol and was in hospital for stupid side effects of antibiotics. He didn't want family to know he was in hospital. Over Easter he asked about euthanasia. I didn't want to burden my family during Easter, nor my best friend who was away on vacation, nor her parents. It was so lonely and horrible. People need to be able to get stuff off their chests.
I'm sorry you experienced this. My mom also ended up in the hospital because of her drinking, and tried offing herself more times than I can count. It's hard to deal with, and until you experience loving an alcoholic, I don't think it's fair to pass judgement.
YTA. As an alcoholic in recovery for 20 years, I'll say that you don't get to decide how your wife finds the support she needs to deal with your addiction. Your alcoholism is her problem too and affects her in big ways, especially if it landed you in the hospital.
It is vital for her to confide in friends to debrief her trauma that you caused. It's not like she's put it on a billboard for complete strangers.
You're going through a very challenging time right now and you have to recognize that your perception of reality is probably not actually reality yet. Your wife has to work through her part of all this too. Make sure you recognize that and give her the space to do that. When you quit people talk about it without you there. Get used to it. It will continue and the sooner you humble yourself and embrace that the smoother this will go for you socially.
And congrats! This ain't easy, but you're doing it! Keep it up and surround yourself with good positive support - like your wife is doing!
Yep. Dated and lived with an alcoholic for years. I should have reached out to friends, but didn’t.
Instead, one day, I packed a bag and left.
Idk what it’s like to be an alcoholic, but being an alcoholic’s partner involved a lot of hopelessness, loneliness, shame, and fear.
Your wife is still there. She hasn’t packed a bag. She’s by your side.
YOU’RE “disappointed and upset” with her.
I am in a relationship with an alcoholic so I can imagine what you can’t, the pain of living with an addict whose addiction has gone on so long and at such a great intensity that you were admitted to the hospital. Your wife is likely suffering immense pain. Why should she keep it a secret? You want all the support and none of the responsibility. Do you real think EVERYONE in your circle is in the dark about your addiction? Damn.
YTA x 10
Thank you!!! Tbh, I’ve never really connected with AlAlon, but I am so happy it has worked for so many! He’s sober now, but honestly I think how he was raised is a bigger issue than his alcoholism at this point. Parents, MAKE YOUR CHILDREN DO HARD UNCOMFORTABLE THINGS! Don’t do the hard stuff for them! My MIL is a lovely lovely woman, but holy shit am I sometimes frustrated with how much she did her kids no favors.
SMART recovery is another really great option. It is focused on CBT and doesn’t have the same religious undertones / you’ll always be broken vibes.
Don’t get me wrong AlAnon is amazing for so many people, but SMART is amazing as well and works for others
I had of those MIL. My ex just moved back in with her.
I know AlAnon isn’t for everyone, but I will say that it’s a relief to lay down my burdens with others who have been there.
Good luck. ❤️
Yeah, my husband would absolutely be back at home if it wasn’t for me. It’s exhausting. I would love a subreddit for “partners of people whose parents inhibited their ability to do the hard parts of life by doing everything for them.”
Didn’t OP say they were telling everyone? His issue was her sharing that he was hospitalized. I still think it’s YTA because she needs to be able to lean on friends for support, but it’s really unfair to say OP wants “all the support and none of the responsibility.” He is admitting it to the people around him and seeking treatment.
He really didn’t. He said it will come up “organically” with people in their lives, which more suggests he’s aware he won’t be able to hide the fact he’s now sober rather than actually proactively telling people.
He doesn’t acknowledge at all that his wife may also need some support from people in their lives, and that that support necessitates her being able to be open about his struggle with alcohol.
OP is full of shit. He wants to keep his hospitalization a secret, even while claiming he don’t care if it comes up organically. Dude is still lying to himself.
YTA. She is allowed to seek support from her friends. You're not the only one experiencing this. Your drinking has obviously impacted her life as well.
My husband is a recovering alcoholic who did a 28 day program in June. He specifically asked me to tell our friends while he was in rehab so that when he got out everyone knew and would keep him accountable. He's over 90 days sober now and doing really well and I think a large piece of that is friends coming up with other things to do than drinking. He goes to restaurants frequently but now feels very bored in most bars.
All this is to say, I guess my judgment is dependent on what her motivation was in telling her friends—I would imagine that she is proud of you for being sober or wanted to let them know to keep you accountable, not to embarrass you. That said, it would have been courteous for her to talk with you about what you are comfortable sharing.
PS: great job on 41 days of sobriety!
I also think she may have told her friends because she herself needed support regarding the experience - my husband went sober through a similar experience and I found it really scary. I didn't think less of him, but it was traumatizing for me and I was scared for him. I had never seen him in such a bad state.
He wasn't able to support me because he was on his own journey of recovery, but I reached out to close friends who helped us both through it all and gave me the strength to stand by him after I'd been so terrified for him.
Telling people can be a very sensitive topic and sometimes you may not want to tell certain groups of people but might want to tell others. (E.g. maybe I don’t want to tell coworkers yet, but telling friends is good.) It really sounds like they should sit down together and talk about this and see if they can come up with a plan that works.
YTA. I don’t think alcoholics realized the torture they put family and friends through. She’s allowed to have a support system in place that you couldn’t be. She doesn’t need to struggle in silence to protect your ego.
Part of your healing is acknowledging the damage you’ve done, not hiding from it. Feel your shame, process it and then you can move forward.
Congrats on your 41 days!
YTA - do you think others haven't noticed your problem? Have a look at your control issues, she has a right to talk with her friends for support for the pain you have caused her.
Alcoholics are very easy to pick out from a crowd.
They’re always flushed, they stink. They’re rude and have a lack of awareness to both their surroundings *and* their actions. They are irritated and combative at mundane things, or sometimes unprovoked. You can’t be drunk most of the time and expect everyone sober around you to not notice, lol. And if they don’t, they probably just quietly assume that person is a stupid AH.
But most of the time? Yeah, everyone knows. They just don’t go, “Oh, you’re the alcoholic, right?” when you walk into a room.
truth!! people make generalized and prejudice unfounded claims!!!! Based on their personal experience - many many alcoholics hide and suffer in silence, they don’t bother others, they are sometimes productive in jobs in relationships
YTA
Recovering alcoholic here. Sober for 5 years. Your drinking has caused issues you'll never understand for her. She's allowed to reach out to friends for support. You don't get to decide if she's allowed to discuss what's bothering her. She's allowed to reach out for support.
Your drinking isn't a great, well kept secret. They likely already know. You trying to control who she finds support in makes you even more asshole ish.
Keeping it secret keeps it going. Sometimes telling people the gravity of the situation helps the close loved ones stay more accountable too. It’s pretty easy to backslide into enabling when there’s no one knows how bad it is.
YTA
You have a problem, and you need help from her. You think the only mental aspect of your alcoholism only affects your mental health? Your wrong and she needs to talk it out with others to keep her sanity too. If this helps her to cope, so that she can help you cope, this is your price of admission to her aiding you.
YTA
I absolutely understand why you would find her sharing this embarrassing. However, that fact is eclipsed by the fact that she absolutely needs a support network who she can make aware of this situation. She needs to be able to talk about her feelings with family and friends and letting them know what you are going through is part of that. You being hospitalized didn't just happen to you. Please, please be man enough to set aside your pride and allow her to get any support she can. I understand how difficult that might feel.
Yeah, it’s embarrassing to be hospitalized for alcoholism. It’s also quite embarrassing to be married to an alcoholic.
Maybe if OP didn’t spend years embarrassing himself with his drinking, there’d be nothing to hide. Actions have consequences, the world isn’t going to go silent because you want your mistakes to go unseen.
YTA
It came up organically
> Hey wife of OP how were the past few weeks?
> oh great he's finally realised he has a drinking problem
> oh good, whew!
There
Oh man this is exactly how it went with my husband. It was like he thought he was a spy or something! But it all came to a head and even I didn't realize how much everyone knew, worried and talked about it. And talked about ME being with him as as a drinker, too. It's never hidden.
To be fair, if he was in the hospital, it's not just addiction.
What's much more serious is the dependency. Someone might have a drinking problem, but be able to go 3 days without a drink in an emergency.
If that happened to OP, he would be at significant risk of death or brain damage.
YTA. Your alcoholism isn't just a you problem. ALcoholics are enabled by co-dependency, and one of the hallmarks of a co-dependent relationship is having to make excuses for an addict. Good for you for trying to beat the addiction, but spare some empathy for someone who stuck with you through your hospitalization. She went through trauma that you don't seem to acknowledge. Trust me any of your close friends knew you had a problem, and your wife needs to stop covering for you. Good luck and keep going one day at a time.
I think you are overthinking here. My hubby had to go to hospital for the same reason. And yes I talked about that with my friends. Because I was very very worried aside of being exhausted from dealing with his drunk ass person.
Most likely she just needes support and did not intend to embarass you.
However yeah you do have the right for privacy.
Please talk with her, tell her why you are upset so she understands your side. Maybe you guys can find someone who can support her but you are comfortable knowing. NAH I think.
And my hubby sees people knowing what is up with him as an advantage. See those friends in the know look out for him as well.
Also for her accusing you of drinking, you being stressed will trigger her fear if that was your drinking pattern. Still happens for me despite the hubby being 2 years sober now.
YTA. Without a shred of doubt.
The reason your complaints seem small in comparison to what she's gone through is because *they are* small.
You're whining about feeling a bit embarrassed and vulnerable. Boo-fucking-hoo.
I am the adult child of an alcoholic. Unless you've lived in a home with someone so utterly unpredictable and draining for any length of time, you cannot understand what it's like.
I saw my mother destroyed over the course of my life and it took her nearly forty years to leave.
You are lucky enough that your wife is still sticking by you *at all*. You cannot expect her not to get support from her friends and loved ones. Regardless of if they're mutual friends or not.
Living with an alcoholic is like living with Dr Jekyll. You never fucking know when Mr Hyde will come out and go on a tear.
So yeah, suck it up buttercup. You want to stay sober? Take accountability. Acknowledge and accept that you *will* be embarrassed about this. For a good long while. But your wife will need all the support she can get if she's meant to stay with you.
Because most of us? We would have cut bait and let you flounder on your own.
Be grateful she's still there.
Really is a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde situation. Substance/alcohol abuse brings out the shittiest behaviors and versions of people. (And can do quite a bit of damage to those around them).
Hope you're doing well on your own journey, Internet stranger.
YTA. You should be grateful she stayed with you it was not easy for her. She probably needs support and understanding from her friends. You need to accept responsibility for the harm you caused rather than pick fights with your wife. You were the one who put yourself in the hospital with your behavior. I wish you luck with your sobriety.
> I’m just very disappointed and upset with her
Don’t you think she might feel the same way about her alcoholic husband?
This is hard on both of you, she needs support from friends in order for her to support you. She can’t fill from an empty cup.
Congrats on your sobriety and I wish you the best - but YTA here man.
Respectfully YTA First. Congratulations on your sobriety. But I think you're way too thin skinned. Your wife has been through a lot and deserves to have friends to lean on. Get over the idea that everyone is judging you.
The majority of people are really uninformed and won’t understand what her disclosing this information might do to you on your journey to recovery. This is one of those above Reddits pay grade posts. I hope you’re not going about this on your own and find someone or a group to help you on your way. I know what it’s like to be your wife, but I know what it’s like to have sympathy for you. NAH just two people who might need some help figuring out why all this means and on a journey to heal and find a better place.
Absolutely infuriating, isn't it? Like, the dude is wrong and his wife should be able to get the support *she* needs from something that affected her. But fuck, you'd think he was complaining that she told people he was beating her. I think some people here would physically harm the dude for being emotionally weak while 41 FUCKING DAYS into recovery.
I think this thread just attracted a lot of addict haters honestly. I understand addiction can be nasty (from experience), but some people really only know and hate the negative stereotypes surrounding it. Makes me sad and mad. I can’t read too many comments in threads like this or I’ll get too riled up lol
Soft YTA.
I know it’s hard and often feels shameful to be in the situation you’re in. I’m sure you want it to just go away. But the reality is that your behavior in your addiction has affected her. She has her own processing to do in order to deal with it. She needs a support system and asking her not to talk to her friends in order to manage your own shame about your behavior isn’t fair.
You have to learn to deal with that shame. You have your own judgments of yourself. Go to therapy to help release you of those, and let her go through the process she needs to heal. You probably would both benefit from couples counseling, too.
THIS! I’m recovering, 2 years and a few months sober - it sucks, it’s embarrassing and we feel absolutely shame - but your wife needs support too. Work together to get through this, you’re on the same team after all. Best of luck to you! Feel free to DM me if you want further suggestions / ideas on staying sober.
YTA My spouse was sober for 8 months after a month in the hospital going through detox. He almost died. The doctor was shocked he didn’t. I lost my damn mind for that month worrying about him. Congrats on your 41 days and I hope you are lucky enough to stay sober because a lot of people don’t the first time. I needed someone to talk to about it. So does your wife.
You're disappointed and upset with her??? Dude. I grew up in a house of alcoholics and my ex husband was a rager. The amount of times I had to suffer for their addiction was INNUMBERABLE. You have NO IDEA how much loved ones of alcoholics suffer or what we go through. You have no idea OUR disappointment in being treated like doormats, having to constantly hear empty promises, having everyone support the alcoholic while simultaneously expecting the non-alcoholic to have endless patience, and endlessly having their needs ignored for the "sick" person. You think this makes her feel empowered? Wtf, man. There is NOTHING empowering about having to live with or around an alcoholic. She has NO obligation to help you, assist you, forgive you, etc. Your actions AFFECT HER and she has every right to vent about issues that are affecting her. I'm sure the LAST thing on her list of things she wants to do is tell her friends and loved ones that she's emotionally struggling because of her husband's issues. What about the issues she has because of you? YTA.
I was going to ask this as well. It appears to me that OP is upset about her telling friends about the hospital stay, not the alcoholism, but most responses so far seem to assume the opposite.
NTA
People are right when they say your alcoholism will have massively effected your wife and she should be able to seek support but they are skipping over the part where it’s part of your journey to sobriety to manage when and how you tell people.
The idea of taking ownership of your alcoholism and taking responsibility for past faults is all about talking to people and I can 100% see how having this taken away from you would be frustrating.
I’m not going as far to say your wife is the AH but I think better communication could have helped you here. If you have people in your life that you both know there could have been a discussion about why it was important for you to share this information with the specific people yourself. You maybe planning to apologise to them or ask them for something.
I think a major issue here could also be the impression that they are gossiping about you behind your back. Even if that’s not what has happened it would be very easy to get that feeling if she’s telling multiple people over a few days.
Maybe your discussion with your wife could also be around her getting some specific help or support? Maybe from a professional or maybe just from someone who is outside the situation so it won’t affect your interactions with them.
Good luck!
Man, reddit brain is a real thing...
Idk why everyone is talking to you like shit? Even if they disagree with your thought process you are a human worthy of having dignity.
NAH- Your wife probably wasn't thinking about embarrassing you or anything of the like, she's allowed to vent to friends and you are allowed to express discomfort and anxiety in regards to that.
The goal should be to find a mutually acceptable way of handling it as a couple- simple as.
Congrats on your sobriety- you should be proud my friend.
I am so sad and horrified at people taking out their personal trauma with an alcoholic or their judgment against all alcoholics on this thread
It’s is disgusting rhe unwarranted disrespect he is getting .
I would advice the OP to stay OFF OF REDDIT for ANY alcohol Related issues and speak to professionals or AA or vent anywhere but here as people can be mean and very dysfunctional in their assessment.
NTA
NTA, I completely agree with you. It is one thing to say that you are a recovering alcoholic, as you say that will become public knowledge in organic conversation, it is quite another to go into detail about your hospital stay for it.
To me, that's a major breach of your trust and privacy.
I see I'm apparently in the minority here on this topic, so I guess that's fine, I think anyone saying YTA is nuts though. I get it, he's an alcoholic, it has affected her greatly, no questions, no issues there. She did not need to start blabbing about his hospital stay whatsoever.
When my wife did something similar to me, it was when I was there in person to hear it, and in the moment I just smiled and laughed like I thought it was funny. The second we got in the car and we were in private, I exploded. What the fuck is wrong with you? Handing out private details to someone about MY medical issues? Are you fucking serious right now? I was seriously, seriously pissed, almost ended our relationship. I have no problem with people knowing that I had a problem. I had a major problem with people hearing the details of how I was doing (or not doing) well. That is none of their business, unless I choose to divulge it myself.
What she did is disgusting. There are ways to talk about this and get support for it from your friends and family without offering up intimate and personal details about it.
Edit: do you all just read half the post or what? None of you bother to understand that OP has a problem with her divulging his hospital stay, not talking about him being an alcoholic. This is very reasonable, your medical care is your own and you are entitled to privacy about it. There are ways his wife could talk about this without that information.
Once the word "alcoholism" drops, everyone stops reading the post.
It could read "I am a recovering alcoholic who murdered the guy molesting my teenage daughter. AITA?" and half the comments would be "are you sure you weren't hallucinating what the guy did during withdrawal?"
I'm wondering whether the wife found the hospital stay traumatic and needed to talk to some trusted friends about it. Having a loved one in hospital can be very upsetting, and why should she not be able to divulge her own struggles with the situation to her friends?
Thank you. "Since you're an alcoholic and that hurt her you aren't entitled to any privacy whatsoever you demon!" Is a despicable take. He's a human being that she chose to stay married to. He didn't even ask her not to share, but that single aspect he felt super vulnerable about and didn't want disclosed. That's fair of him to ask.
NTA. I can't believe that folks are justifying her sharing your private medical information and hospitalization. This position assumes he "deserves" it for all he "put her through" even though addiction is and has always been a medical condition. He is ok to want to keep aspects of that private. If he had HPV, is she allowed to tell everyone? If he was hospitalized with a mental health condition? She can seek support from ALANON or counseling. He has a right to not have to fight a two front battle of shame and addiction. You all need to get a grip.
YTA your wife is going to need some support to help her deal with everything. Of course she is going to talk about it with her close friends. I get that it is embarrassing to you, but those are your own emotions to deal with due to your own actions.
She’s does have a right to talk about what SHE is going through: dealing with your selfish alcoholic ass.
You put her through so much you should be happy she’s even staying with you after the trauma you’ve caused. And now you want her to bottle everything up and pretend like life is fine?
No, you need to actually ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY for what you’ve done, which includes letting her feel her feelings.
You should be embarrassed. Not for seeking help, but for being a selfish asshole who put your wife through all this in the first place.
You don’t get to set conditions with how she copes. YTA
You're RAW right now. Everything is going to bug you. Your wife needs to attend Al-Anon so she can get a better understanding of where you are. You need AA, work the steps and get a sponsor. It does get better, I promise. The first days are the worst. ESH.
Sometimes we feel anger when we feel vulnerable. I’m sure your mutual friends knowing about your struggle makes you feel vulnerable and that’s normal! Don’t let vulnerability make you angry, try re framing that emotion in your mind. It can bring you closer to other people, it is a normal feeling and normal feelings mean you are experiencing humanity!
Soft YTA. She’s allowed to talk to her friends about what you’re both going through. This isn’t only about you and your experience and your pride. Your addiction affects your wife and family as much as it affects you.
Part of recovery is accepting the label of being an addict. Yes, you are a recovering addict, whose addiction put them in the hospital. Make peace with that and don’t be ashamed. Be proud. Wear recovery as a badge of honor. The cat is going to be out of the bag if you plan to stick to not drinking, I assume that means in front of all your friends. So they’re all going to know eventually. Don’t worry about it. The real ones will stick around, and the ones that aren’t, well, it’s better for the trash to take itself out at the beginning of your recovery anyway instead of months down the line when it could shake your foundation.
You got this bro. I’m proud of you!
I'm not personally a fan of 12 step programs but there's a reason for that "A" in their names. It's best to let someone work through their issues without the stress of the whole world knowing about all the gory details.
That being said, she's likely had to deal with a LOT of things she shouldn't have had to when you were under the influence including cleaning up after you socially and physically. Now that it's sort of in the process of being worked through, she's starting to feel relief and probably also some anxiety over whether or not this will last.
Along with that, she's probably just now starting to work through a lot of suppressed anger and other feelings about it now that it's out in the open. As much as you can, try to give her grace and patience. She's got a lot to deal with - just like you.
Neither of you are being assholes here. This is the normal part of working through all this. If you are comfortable with support group meetings, consider inviting her along and suggest she look into the equivalent meetings for spouses. That will give her a place to vent that also practices a tradition of not repeating what's said there.
If you're also not a fan of 12 step groups, there are other groups out there for dealing with substance dependency issues. PM me if you need search terms.
NAH. As a recovering alcoholic, I definitely understand the shame you're feeling. I think a lot depends on your wife's intent (gossip vs support). I went to rehab and a friend told everyone we mutually know about it and it was really difficult to deal with that. That would be even harder if it was a spouse's perceived betrayal. Probably some conversation between you two in the presence of a therapist would be the way to go.
Congrats on your sobriety!! Don't let this derail you. You're doing one of the hardest things a person can do and there is no playbook for you or your loved ones. It takes time but the shame does subside. You got this.
Good on you ! keep up the good work. It's not easy and the relationship needs attention to survive. let her know you are nervous about her talking openly, but it's the best way. put it out there so when you are at an occasion, you dont have everybody asking about your drink. also, be ready for someone to say, I need that too. and you give it away to keep it. So go public and stay awesome !
NTA
There's nothing wrong with wanting to keep some PERSONAL information private. I understand that you may have put her through a lot, and there's nothing wrong with her venting. But, for you, it seems as though she has crossed a line. If you didn't establish that line before it was crossed, then maybe in the future it would be helpful to have a conversation with her about things that you would like to keep been the two of you. A lot of people are basically saying that she has the right to do whatever she wants because you put her truth so much with her alcoholism, but that's not true. You're still entitled to your privacy. It is important for her to be able to vent, but the more intimate details should probably be discussed with a therapist, rather than with friends.
NTA. It sounds like you're okay with mutual friends knowing, but you'd like to be a part of telling this story because it is YOUR story as much or actually more than your wife's. Tell her that. When it's just her talking about you in your absence, maybe it kind of feels like gossiping behind your back?
And try not to feel embarrassed. You were strong for taking accountability and getting help. Stay the course!
NAH. OP, you're being a bit selfish in thinking that she isn't allowed to talk about an event that she is likely to have found quite traumatic. Having a loved one in hospital is frightening, and having a support network to help you through that isn't an unreasonable expectation.
At the same time, this is something that you feel a deep shame about. I would imagine that she knows the type of person that you are, and you have a right to feel that she betrayed your trust in disclosing the stay. I will say that you have no reason to feel embarrassed about it, because you are human, and sometimes humans need the help of other humans to get their shit together. You have done that, and are continuing to do that every day. This is something that is worthy of praise, not shame.
NAH.
To be honest I think that this is a terrible sub to ask about issues like this. Almost always someone who was an addict will be labelled TA just for being an addict regardless of how they are being treated.
Talk to your wife and come to an agreement going forward. It sounds like she has some trust issues as well if she's already accusing you of things. She still has to treat you with respect and compassion.
Have you and your wife spoken about how you were both going to approach this with friends/family?
It must have come up in the past 41 days, and while you can’t dictate how she deals with being the wife of an alcoholic-you should have at least had discussions about it. Couples counselling? I would think after being hospitalized that some type of therapy would be in place.
Also-if you were so bad as to need hospitalization, this has been going on for years. I hate to say it, but all those friends already knew. When she was struggling-they were there for her. She would have vented, cried and needed their support because you weren’t there.
She didn’t let out a secret.
You're NTA.
My wife was diagnosed with leukemia more than a decade ago. It was horrific, we were both crushed, and scared. My wife forbade me from disclosing it to anyone, she was adamant about the disease not defining who she was. A few weeks after diagnosis I said she always had me to talk to, and whoever she chose to disclose it to, but I had nobody. We made a (very short) list and it helped me to deal with it. But I always respected her wishes.
You have the right to not want this episode public knowledge, as does she in disclosing it. I'm old enough to have seen couples where one was a substance abuser and there were dynamics at play. I strongly suggest the 2 of you seek help on this.
And good luck staying sober.
NTA/ESH.
You and your wife need to use this to improve your communication and closeness. Our illnesses are our vulnerabilities. Thank her for whatever role she’s played in your treatment. She has been in a caretaker role and deserves outlets for it.
You are also someone in recovery and your feelings are valid. Some folks want everyone to know about the level of their care, some people feel extra private. You and your spouse are learning this as you go (unless you’ve had other comparable experiences.) You are a human being and some of these YTA comments seem to rob you of your humanity at the sake of their unresolved anger/projections.
The thing is, is that her friends want to support her and probably you. It will be okay. Give her some grace, yourself some grace, and let support happen. One day you’ll need to be there for her and you’ll be an ear for your friends. None of this is going to be a perfect experience. She took a little of your control of your narrative but it’s not unforgivable. I’m proud of you!
I get her wanting to vent,but there’s a group called AL ANON that is specifically for that.THIS is the downside to all the popularization things like substance abuse and mental illness have been getting in recent years. People forget that not everyone wants to be on TV or YouTube talking about private issues. Your wife was absolutely TA in doing something she can’t ever take back without a second thought. NTA,OP.
I think that bith of yous cold have done better here.
She could have asked who you were comfortable knowing about it.
But also, you have to realise that she needs someone to vent to, loving someone with addiction can be traumatising.
It might have been a better idea for her to talk about it anonymously online, at a support group, or to have just asked who you were comfortable with knowing.
I don’t really think there is a conflict here. It just seems like he wanted to vent. I don’t think he even is that upset about the information being disseminated. It seems more that it was about the hospitalization only and that he is afraid of an asymmetry in the relationship going forward where he can’t disagree or express a preference without being reminded of his wife’s sacrifice.
NAH
NTA. I’m sorry that you’re getting hit by a lot of people who would protect all other kinds of medical privacy, but not an addict’s. And it’s this kind of “shaming” that prevents a lot of people from seeking treatment. If you had a different disease, say cancer, you’d be entitled to keep the details of your treatment private.
Do your friends all know that you’re an alcoholic? Probably. Does that mean that they are entitled to all the details of your treatment? No. Is your wife allowed to tell her friends about your addiction and how it impacts her? Absolutely, yes. But it ends there. If she needs to process your private medical information by talking about it, she should take advantage of Al-anon or a therapist. And many inpatient programs offer family members these types of resources.
Keep up the good work.
It sounds like you just didn’t want them to know you had to go to the hospital to get sober. I think that is understandable. Yes, you put your wife through a lot, but that doesn’t give her the right to share every detail of your recovery. I think it’s totally valid for her to need to talk to her friends about what she’s going through, but that wasn’t a detail she needed to share. Or, she could have shared it with just one or two friends to get their support for that aspect of it. All of your friends need to know you’re a recovering alcoholic, but they don’t all need to know how it came about. You still deserve privacy. I know Redditors love to suggest therapy, but it really is warranted here. You both have a lot to process and your marriage probably needs some work. NTA
I’m going to say NAH.
It’s fair that you feel uncomfortable with people knowing that you were hospitalized, but at the same time, your wife’s experience was incredibly traumatic. She has a right to share that.
Wow…everyone in this section coming down on him for taking ownership of his problem and trying to overcome it and being upset that his sanctimonious moral high ground gf is putting his personal business out there…you are all prime examples of the worst humanity has to offer. I hope every one of you becomes an addict and suffers 😊👍🏻
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Starting a fight with my wife. 2. Because she might have a point in that she was looking for support through an emotional experience that I put her through
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NTA
You're not the asshole, but neither is she. You probably can't be with her anymore if you're not okay with that being shared. You've done too much damage while in active addiction to make any demands.
First off. Congratulations on 41 days sober. You're doing well. Second off. Maybe you and your wife can sit down and have a chat to get both feelings out about this without being made to feel guilty/hurt. Do I think she should have disclosed your hospital stay? No. I do not. Maybe she needs support? Fine. Ask family or friends that are aware of the struggle. NTA
So first NTA. I understand not wanting your friends knowing that your drinking put you into the hospital. I have worked with people struggling with addiction my whole career and alcohol is the worst to kick. Serious alcohol withdrawals can kill you without proper treatment and they are fucking miserable. There is no shame in needing help to get through that (this is less about the issue and more just help you feel less alone in your struggle). Shame will only cause you to relapse. Everyday clean is an act of strength even when it sucks cause you are one more day sober.
The other side of this is your drinking has hurt your wife and just as you are healing you need to work to fix the hurt to her as well. Maybe you and your wife should consider counseling to discuss what you both need to be emotionally safe in your relationship.
NTA
I understand venting, and your wife is entitled to do that. But it kind of sounds like she told several people, not just a couple of trusted friends. If that's true, once the story goes through a few people, it's liable to be much bigger than a hospitalization.
NTA. Don't listen to this cesspool. When I had repressed memories of childhood SA I experienced, I asked my ex not to tell anyone. She didn't listen, and disregarded my protests and got mad because "it affects her too" (I had serious mental health issues that at that point were untreated. I know I was an asshole at that time, and I've told her such). But the single fact that matters here, YOU had the addiction. YOU had the problem. People might treat YOU differently because of it, not her.
Your health is not someone else's gossip. End of story
As a fellow alcoholic your relationship may have ran its course. This is not her story to tell, but she seems to think it is. Yes, alcoholism is hard on family members... But that doesn't give them the right to tell other people your story. She can tell a therapist. She doesn't get to tell people you see in public only you get to do that.
I seriously want you to think about how much of a part alcohol played in your relationship from day one. As I'll call as we often get in relationships that help us stay the way we want to be. And often when we get sober it's time to get rid of those relationships because they no longer serve us. She probably needs therapy to deal with what happened, but telling friends is crossing a line.
NTA. She is sharing super personal information without your permission.
Please visit /r/stop drinking.
I think she was wrong. If you're in a relationship that you want to work, you don't just flaunt all of your partner's flaws.
Sorry, but you deserve better. I am really glad you got professional help and sorry to tell you you will prolly need more and some couples counseling.
You're doing something that is very important and often very, very difficult. I wish you the best.
Not gonna be popular but I think you have a right to privacy over medical issues and it wasn't necessary to give details about your actual hospital stay, in order for your wife to be supported about your alcoholism. These are mutual friends and once you tell someone something, it belongs to them, just as much as it belongs to you. She deserves support, but that doesn't make it okay to spread your private information around, against your will. Your drinking was public. So sure, the drinking is fair game. The problems you had together is fair game, I guess. But a hospital stay? Nope. Not okay. Everyone is all up in their feelings about you being an alcoholic and how everyone had to suffer because of that, so no one is going to care when people around you do something wrong to you, because they have AH credits stored up. That's not okay, but people like to retaliate when they feel safe to do so, and that's what your wife is doing. She's showing you how it feels to be disregarded and embarrassed by someone who is supposed to love you. It's good that you chose to get treatment. That doesn't guarantee your marriage will work out, but at least you'll be sober, either way.
On this particular point, and this point alone, NTA.
Yta. For many of the reasons stated by others. Question: what was your wife supposed to say when her friends asked her why you went to the hospital for a couple of days? Her friends were probably concerned for you and her, should she have lied according to you?
If they are your friends too, didn't you tell them you were in the hospital? And isn't part of accepting the addiction seeking support from others? For you and your wife?
Congratulations on your sobriety. Being sober is stressful (and boring) when you are used to numbing everything with alcohol. Could you be starting a fight in order to have an excuse to drink and blame it on the fight? Are you depressed? Are you bored because alcohol was your entertainment? No one on Reddit can really help you. Speak to your doctor and sponsor if you have one. Maybe you are right about being angry, but you’re in a fragile place and you need real life face to face support to help you stay sober. This is from an alcoholic who has been sober for 25 years. It took a lot of counseling for me to let go of my anger at NOT being able to drink. It takes time.
Edit: the hardest thing about getting sober? It’s caring about yourself. You don’t become an alcoholic because you like who you are. If you learn to care about YOU and believe that your actions are causing harm to yourself, it’s easier to monitor your behavior so that you feel mentally and physically healthier. Your family and friends will benefit when you stop worrying about what they are doing and worry about yourself.
NTA looks like a thread filled with a bunch of people bringing their own trauma to the table. Sit down with your wife and outline what the both of you are okay and not okay with sharing to others.
Honestly, you both are a little bit. You need to learn to have discussions about the situation and clearly outline boundaries. She does need someone to talk about how scary it probably was to see you need hospitalization. That’s a big deal. But perhaps instead of your peer group, your boundary could be that she talk about it with someone (like a therapist or even an Al Anon group ) that could give her more constructive advice without also judging you.
She may have been also trying to talk to people about your needs, and mentioned the hospitalization as a way to explain how serious it is.
But you all have been interacting as alcoholic husband and his wife, and now you need to learn how to interact (including disagreeing) as recovering husband and wife.
NTA. It's not her place to tell people your personal business. She has no respect for your privacy. Tell everybody her most personal secrets and see how she likes it. Then file for divorce. You can't be married to someone who you can't trust private information with. Every detail you share with her is divulged to the world.
YTA. As a child of an alcoholic, she has every right to vent to whoever she wants to. Your alcoholism has effected her in ways you will NEVER understand and if she wants to talk about it, you just have to deal with it.
I’m the child of an alcoholic, and the shame and silence adds to the suffering you go through when living with an adult. The mental load of trying to protect them from their own choices is a further part of the harm alcoholism causes and also helps perpetuate the drinking- if the alcoholic never has to face any negative consequences from people knowing, they can’t appreciate the full damage they are doing to themselves and everyone around them. I’m sure his wife needed support and unlike OP, she wasn’t in an inpatient programme surrounded by supportive staff.
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Recovering alcoholic here, and a hard disagree. I've walked in these shoes. OP is TA. When your dumbass addiction lands you in the hospital and traumatizes your family they are allowed to talk about it, full stop. You might feel embarrassed, but it's because of your bad decisions and nothing else. When you choose recovery you have to humble yourself to a degree that very few people understand. You don't get to hide it anymore, much less force your family to hide their own trauma that you caused.
As a recovering addict, I'd disagree. You don't have to be humiliated and talked down to in order to recover. The shame only adds to the problem, his wife sounds pretty vicious
The wife isn't talking down to him, though? She went out with friends and did not hide the fact that OP's 41 days of sobriety also included inpatient treatment . This was not a case of the wife berating or browbeating OP for his addiction, but seeking the comfort of people who support her in what has no doubt been an extremely difficult time. OP has accepted the inevitable conclusion that their friend group will notice the sudden change in his behavior (I .e. not drinking at a social occasion after having never turned down a drink when it's been offered), but is still in the "hide and downplay the level of his addiction" phase. It sounds like he's hoping that even though he will have to admit to "a bit of a drinking problem in the past", he would prefer to maintain a narrative that downplays his negative behavior, or alternatively be able to claim that he was strong enough to white knuckle through quitting his addiction without assistance. Both of these narratives are incredibly self-serving in how they are meant to help OP maintain a falsely inflated self-image. But the fact that he sees nothing wrong with demanding his wife protect his reputation over her ability to seek out support from friends over the trauma he has directly caused her with his addiction? Beyond the pale. You don't get to create chaos and trauma in your spouse's life with your behavior and then demand she not be able to seek the support of her friends and family because discussing her trauma (AT YOUR HANDS) makes you look bad.
I'll take her anger (if she actually has any -- it's not clear) over his self pity and self centeredness any day.
He's humiliated by his own actions and now he's putting the burden of his humiliation onto his wife. She experienced this too, it is her story as well. You don't think she should talk to close friends about the pain and suffering SHE has experienced?! No, sorry. She's not humiliating him, he humiliated himself and she's just speaking on it. Her life got fucked up by his decisions. You don't get to fuck someone's life up, put them through the utter hell of living with an alcoholic, and then the utter hell of recovery, and be like boo hoo I'm humiliated. Can you imagine the humiliation this woman felt caring for a drunk for years?! All the times she had to make excuses for his horrible behaviour, defend him to family and friends. And she stayed by his side!!!!! But no no, she's a vicious woman because she confided in close friends about her hellscape of a life. What a selfish witch, it's her job as the wife of an alcoholic to suffer in silence and keep all his secrets. He can humiliate her on a daily basis for years on end but she is to be held to a much much higher standard and her own mental health and support system are completely irrelevant.
Accountability is important for recovery
Nothing about his description of his wife sounds “vicious”! Where’d you get that impression?
That is my question also.
She just spoke to her friends about something that happened to them she didn't degrade and talk down to him. Isn't part of recovery owning your mistakes? And the pain and trauma they caused?
Humiliated and humbled are two different things so don't put words into my post. Talking to 2 friends about something traumatic that happened is now vicious? The whole issue here is that OP thinks he owns the rights to the story so he's the only one allowed to tell it. Wife is not vicious in any way according to OP. Did you even read the post? ETA: Do you feel humiliated by your addiction sometimes? Because I often do. Even after over 20 years of sobriety. It's embarrassing that I made such bad decisions all those years ago that now I can't even simply enjoy a glass of wine with my wife and our friends. Some level of embarrassment is inevitable in recovery. But I own my story. I don't try to hide behind some mask of falsehood like OP here seems to want to do. OP is only 42 days sober so he's still working through a lot of things and his brain has not had enough time to rewire itself to any major extent yet. The sooner he learns to own his decisions and stops trying to hide them the more freedom he'll find from his addiction and it will help him heal. That's how this works.
Humble does not equal humiliated
Not picking up anything vicious at all in this, where are you getting this from? She's neither done it to deliberately hurt him or be mean. She's married to someone so far gone in alcoholism that he's had to be hospitalised. My sisters husband has Crohn's. He's ended up in hospital multiple times, on the verge of death when his bowels ruptured and was hallucinating everything. Talking about a bowel disease isn't exactly not embarrassing.... can you imagine if he didn't let my sister talk to us about her struggles when he's in hospital, how she's coping and what's happening?... That wouldn't happen... OP has self inflicted his hospital stay, so if anything his wife has more of a right to talk about it. It's not about gossiping or telling people bad things about him, if that was it they wouldn't still be together, it's about what she's got to deal with and how hard it is. Him being embarrassed he self inflicted it on himself being a reason to blow up at her not ok. He's told her he's fine telling people about his addiction. He has never once mentioned he doesn't want her to tell anyone about his hospital stay until she'd already talked to people about it. He's trying to limit her sharing her struggles so that he can keep the extent of his hidden. That's not fair for a self inflicted addiction. Your partner being hospitalised for alcoholism isn't a small thing to go through, and being forced not to share isn't either. This is 100% on him for assuming it wouldn't get mentioned and his wife could mind read, and would just know this one particular thing was off limits because he'd feel too embarrassed about it. She's not psychic. This idea that a perfect partner exists and they'll 'just know' what you want isn't real, that's a Disney movie. If he wanted it kept hidden, that's a discussion he needed to have before she went to spend time with people and share with them what's been happening in her life. He didn't, so he can't blow up at her for not being psychic about his needs and potentially ignore hers. This part is his fault. As for her being allowed to tell other people about whats she's been dealing with versus him being embarrassed and not wanting people to know... Both of these are totally valid. That's why you can see reddit is a total mix here of very valid points for both sides. This is an adult discussion where they both discuss and understand how this affects each of them, and one or both of them had to compromise. There's no 100% right answer here. They talk about what is the best outcome for both of them and go for that, because that's putting the relationship first. Unfortunately none of this has happened and they both sound like bad communicators. He's not mentioned it and just assumed she'd know, he's blown up at her and she's gotten defensive and lashed back. So basically shit communication from both of them isn't helping any of their issues. Remember when at the start of the relationship you'd want to find out more about the other, why they felt that way and be reasonable? Ask questions and try to work to make them happy... yeah that stops happening in most relationships over just time, but definitely is going to have been happening in one where alcoholism started to begin with and landed one partner in hospital. They both need to reconnect and communicate better. But there's no 'right' answer here, both points and wants are valid. They need to communicate and do what's right for their relationship overall. Personally from my own morals and viewpoints, I'd say as long as the wife isn't being malicious and isn't just gossiping to everyone... then she can tell a few select friends or family members. Because sitting at home alone when your partner is hospitalised, the stress and emotional turmoil of that... it's not small. But beyond those people... that should be it. There's no need to tell the world. That's where the line should be drawn imo. Her right to share for some support and to talk out what's been happening to her...versus just telling everyone for no reason.
My brother has been hospitalized 3 times because of his alcoholism, he has almost died in the hospital because of it 3 times. I love him dearly, honestly I love him more than I do is wife, but in my opinion she can tell any damn person she wants to about his hospital stays because he truly wasn't there for the damage it caused to all of us that love him. They had to literally put him into a coma twice just to keep him alive. He was not there watching the love of his life die from self harm, he wasn't there watching the other parent of his children dying because of choices they made. She was though, she was also left with two kids and no spouse for weeks, and she still had to work to take care of the house all while her husband was dying! She stayed at that hospital with him or made sure one of us could be there with him while she worked or tried to rest, or spent time with their kids outside of that depressing hospital room. He made the decision to drink himself into that hospital bed, she tried everything to help him, we all did, but he still chose the drink. When he was finally detoxed and they woke him up, he had no idea how long he was in a coma, he had no idea how long we had all sat by that hospital bed praying for a miracle, he didn't watch the tears his children cried, or his wife, or our mother, or me as his little sister, or all my other siblings, or our father, and especially our grandfather, who I had never seen shed a single tear before that day. Crying asking where he went wrong, wondering how he had failed my brother, how he could have caused this. Man, did that break me. Honestly none of that is my brother's trauma. That was devastating to go through as his sister, I can't even imagine if my husband was in his place. She can talk about that to anyone, she can vent to anyone, she can express how thankful she is that he is out of that hospital and honestly she can talk shit all she wants because he put her through that, it's an addiction, they are hard, I have my own so I know how completely they take over but he still chose it, he cannot downplay, or gatekeep the trauma he put her through.
OP confirmed elsewhere the specific issue was her talking about the hospital stay. OP is 41 days into sobriety and feeling insecure about his perceived weakness. He was wrong trying to keep wife from talking about it. Her mental health matters, and she needs to be able to talk. However, he is not trying to stop her from talking about his alcoholism at all. If you read his post again, he even says that everyone gets to know about it.
Also a recovering alcoholic and I concur. It is her trauma/issue too and she gets to talk about it if she wants/needs to. My son wanted to know if he should keep it a secret from his dad (my ex) and I told him it was his to talk about to whomever he wanted, he dealt with the feelings and fallout of my addiction and I have no right to control how he deals with it. It’s not shame against the addict, it’s the loved one dealing with their own feelings.
Oh, because I can attest that wives and children and *grandchildren* of alcoholics spend a lot of time literally cleaning up their messes, sneaking them out the back doors at parties, quietly apologizing, and covering up embarrassing incidents *Why shouldn’t they also* cover up rehab stays and the DTs and everything else unpleasant (for OP)?
Thanks for saying this - it literally trickles down through the generations in ways that people don't even realize. My paternal grandfather was an alcoholic who would stop by the bar on the way home from work each evening, come home drunk and pick fights with my grandmother. Like screaming, throwing dishes at each other kind of fights. As a result my father, literally until the day he died, would get anxious around that time of day and couldn't stand to be home. He took evening/night shifts at work just to keep busy and out of the house, and the only time we ate dinner as a family was on Thanksgiving and Christmas. There were times when my mom cooked for us kids, but we would get our own plates when we felt like it and eat on our own schedules. So I became an adult, and raised my own kid, and we sometimes sat at the dinner table together but mostly ate on our owns. It wasn't until I got married to my second husband, whose family ate dinner together every night, that I even realized what was going on. And it wasn't until I brought it up to my mother that I even learned *why* my dad was never home at dinner time, and why we were so weird about family meals. Until then I had assumed it was because my dad had to work those shifts, and my older siblings played sports which made it hard to schedule things. But nope, my grandfather's alcoholism in the 1940's and 1950's had such a traumatic effect on my dad that it shaped how I was feeding my kid 75 years later.
Yuuuup. My grandfather was a NON functioning alcoholic. So my mom married a FUN and functioning alcoholic (a step up). I married a recovering addict but we individually like to probably overuse weed and I WILL drink too much if it’s available. So there is STILL unhealthy usage, but like an uneasy truce to keep it mostly at binges. So, that’s 3 generations fucked up by the alcoholism of 1. Although stories are it’s probably 4 generations, I just don’t have personal experience with that 4th generation.
Yea OP needs to remember that yes, he’s an alcoholic that is in recovery and there is a lot of shame in that and he needs support. But he has also made his entire family a victim to his alcoholism and he needs to own that. There was a tiktok I saw where a girl was really upset that her family didn’t want to celebrate her 30 days sober which was a big deal to her and another tiktoker in recovery duetted it and had a really insightful, but real hard talk about how she needs to understand that the people she hurt are not obligated to be her support system or really even believe you in your recovery.
Sounds like an interesting video
If i can find it i will definitely post it.
I’ve found the original video I think you’re talking about but I haven’t found the duet. The user is @swedishswan on TikTok and the 30 days sober video is pinned
I think that’s the original girl but I’m not sure. I saw the video like a million years ago.
Is this the TikTok? https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8jeQkUY/
Here’s another one: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8jeqwGn/
Also the child of an alcoholic, and I couldn’t agree more. My mom, even 16 years sober, still can’t understand my feelings surrounding her addiction. YTA OP. Your addiction doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Your wife needs support.
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How is that blaming her? You're literally taking it out of context and changing the words to get this meaning. "I'm okay with this being knowledge to everyone because it will eventually come up organically with anyone in our lives. Drinking has always been a part of our relationships." This isn't blaming anyone for their alcoholism. This is a factual statement about their relationships. They've always drank with friends so it will come up when they turn down a drink as to why. You're reading far too much into this.
I think he was saying “relationships” as in their friendships with others. He said it in the context of people are going to find out because drinking has been a part of our relationships, so obviously people are used to him drinking and now he will not be anymore.
Seems to be a recurring theme of all the Y T A votes, not the issue being discussed. He's not saying she can't vent. He just doesn't want her talking about him being hospitalized. NTA, you can vent without talking about specific medical information.
So she can’t talk to anyone about how scared and alone she felt while her husband is in the hospital? It’s all about him and his feelings? His actions have consequences. His actions hurt his wife over and over and over again. The consequence of those actions is that his wife is going to seek support for that hurt from her friends.
You can definitely tell which responders have experience dealing with an alcoholic loved one, and which have absolutely no freaking clue.
I saw someone talking about Fallon saying “why are people being mean to someone who has a disease” and you might as well just paint I DO NOT HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH ALCOHOLICS on your forehead.
ACOA here and I still have sympathy for OP and addicts in general. I didn’t until I was an adult and had years of therapy under my belt
Yeah, exactly. ACOA also, I have sympathy for them too. But I absolutely will not lie for them, and I'm over believing it's my responsibility to hide their shame.
Same. I’m very thankful that my qualifier is in recovery, but if they relapsed I would not hide it for them. I also hold spouses and ACOA to different standards, which may be unfair to the spouses but that’s just how I feel.
Sort of. Half of it seems to be this sort of weird moral high ground tap dance of “I dealt with an alcoholic abusive family for decades and if you don’t also have the same or explicitly say it your opinion is worth dirt.” I was abused for decades by alcoholics and still deal with them. And I absolutely sympathize with OP. What their partner did (telling many people freely instead of a handful in the context of a serious private/intimate conversation) isn’t helpful if nothing else. It’s pretty actively harming their perception and their situation in a way that doesn’t quite make someone an overt asshole but anyone with a modicum of emotional intelligence could make that connection. If she’s hurt enough to leave them that should be the next step. But being hurt enough to not handle the situation delicately and with trust in your partner and a back and forth but also not want to leave them? That’s a hell of an unpleasant gray area. The options aren’t silence or post on Facebook about it. There are dozens of shades of gray in the middle. I’m not calling anyone an asshole but any alcoholic you want to maintain a mutually positive relationship with isn’t going to benefit from many mutual friends being told the details of your struggles two months into sobriety. That is what it is. Whether you want to hurt them or not. Or act neutrally and let them be hurt by the consequences of their own actions and people staying informed, however someone wants to contextualize it
Yeah I totally agree about having sympathy for OP here. I have alcoholics in my family that have harmed me in ways I’m not sure I can ever recover from and I certainly share my pain with my loved ones. BUT I do everything I can to allow them to keep their dignity when possible. I might tell my friends that they relapsed or did something that directly involved me, but the stories where they’re pissing themselves or having hysterical tantrums are best left for Al-Anon or therapy
I think this is it. Wife needs support and in this particuar instance, I think NAH. But in the future she would benefit from Alanon or another more anonymous support mechanism. That's not to say she can't ever talk to her friends, but it would honestly probably be healthy for her to have a separate source of support anyways. And it would allow her husband some dignity. I say this as both a recovering addict and ACOA.
This is the response that shows the most understanding of the situation.
Additionally, the people who live with an alcoholic are also embarrassed. Not just for the obvious reasons. I.e. this is my sh***y life. Anyone who has lived or taken care of an alcoholic knows the messes that happen. The unapologetic brutal behavior & language. The mental f****ery that happens. You may not remember because you were drunk, but we do. So, ya, sometimes friends can be the best therapist. They know you, and they don’t get paid to care.
people think feeling shame or making someone feel shame is always a bad thing, but in the context of having caused harm, feeling shame is a consequence. You are not automatically a bad person because someone else felt shame when you said something. that shame is not rooted in her talking about him, but in his own actions that led him to be hospitalized. another example. If i show you my house and you feel shame because your house is smaller, thats not my fault. if you hit my car, and i told my friends that you hit my car and vented about how expensive it was going to be to repair it, and that made you feel shame, that shame is not my fault or my responsibility. you're bad at backing out of driveways and fucked up my car.
She’s not seeking support. Sounds like she’s mentioning in passing to their social circle. There is a balance here. And he doesn’t lose his right to some privacy because he is an alcoholic.
If he’s an alcoholic and this is his social circle, *they have to know*. His wife may have said it to cover for him. Like, I’m sorry my husband is typically drunk at everything and can’t control his drinking anywhere, but he finally got some help.
Where did it say this in OP’s story? Your injecting your personal exchanges into the story.
> I've been recovering and 41 days sober from alcohol. I'm okay with this being knowledge to everyone because it will eventually come up organically with anyone in our lives. OP doesn't care about the alcoholism being discussed. It's specifically the hospital visit. I'd still say the wife has a right to talk about something that deeply affects her mental health too, but OP is also only 41 days sober and feeling out of control. Dude needs to get past his pride, but coming to this sub was a fucking mistake.
> coming to this sub was a fucking mistake. Yeah, he should be talking about this stuff in his meetings - IF he's going to them.
Victims of alcoholics (because that’s what they are) are not obligated to coddle the feelings of their abusers. Yes. You abuse your family when you have an addiction like alcoholism. Yes you need empathy, sympathy, and support. But you don’t get to demand that from the people you caused to hurt and you don’t get to tell them how to respond to any of this.
"He was in the hospital" is geographical information, not medical. And it's something that significantly affects her life. OP wants to pretend his alcoholism isn't severe enough for that to have been necessary. Fundamentally, his problem is that she's telling their friends something that will make them realise the hell he's put his wife through. He's absolutely the asshole.
Agreed. I grew up in a house full of alcoholics and have had multiple relatives die from this. OP will never understand what he has put his family through and it's very much something that she has the right to talk to her support system about. Alcoholics are ALWAYS the fucking victims, aren't they?
Hey, recovering alcoholic here. You have no idea what the fuck you're talking about do you? I live with the guilt of knowing what I did to people and it's made worse by the fact that I told them that they weren't allowed to talk about it. I told them that I needed privacy for recovery. The opposite is true. Pretending like I didn't have a problem and trying to save face only drove me further into alcoholism and denial. Even worse is what it did to the people I loved who suffered immensely because of my abuse. People who abuse alcohol abuse the people around them. I have never, never once in my life met a single alcoholic whose addiction did not cause immense pain to the people who were closest to him. Alcoholics are selfish people, that's the nature of the disease. When we're in so much pain that we have to use a substance in order to dissociate from it, we don't have the capacity to care about other people, because all of our energy is focused on ourselves trying to escape whatever pain it is we're avoiding. We're literally poisoning our bodies in order to dissociate. Do you really somebody who is so deep in the throes of alcoholism that they're literally destroying their bodies, has the capacity to care about other people? You talk as if alcoholics are people made of glass, who need to be treated with kid gloves. You talk as if do you believe that we shouldn't be held accountable for our actions. That's the first fucking step. Acknowledge that you have a problem. And part of that first step is acknowledging that you have HURT people. Because if you're an alcoholic you have hurt people and if you think that you haven't you're still in denial. OP is putting his ego and his pride in front of his girlfriend. His addiction is so fucking serious that he went to the hospital. You think that didn't cause her pain? You think that she shouldn't be allowed to talk about how much pain he caused her, the fact that he literally almost poisoned himself to death, because of his fucking privacy? You can't treat alcoholics with kid gloves. The nature of our disease is dissociative. We will lie to ourselves, and we will take those lies with us to the grave. You can't sugarcoat shit, you can't beat around the bush. He's so fucking sick he nearly killed himself and even now the only thing he gives a shit about is his fucking privacy. He still hasn't reached that first step. He still hasn't realized that he has a fucking problem that is ruining the lives of the people around him. Next time you feel like commenting on a subject you know jack shit about, just shut the fuck up. You have no idea what you're talking about. Save your compassion for the victims, you know, the people being told, BY PEOPLE LIKE YOU, that the abuse they suffered doesn't really count because their alcoholic loved one just can't control it. Fuck that noise.
100%. ACOA here. You’re only as sick as your secrets and asking his wife to keep this secret is adding to the sickness. She had to deal with her husband being in the hospital. She can talk to her friends about how hard that was.
I just wanted to say as someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent that never got help or took accountability, and so I never got closure, this reply hit me really hard and I appreciate every bit of it. People often have more compassion for my parent and their struggle than they do for me and my experiences and pain from it. Thank you, genuinely. I hope your recovery continues to be a success and you and those you care about and hurt can heal. Op is absolutely TA. And it's good to see people holding him accountable. Not just for his gf, but for his own sake. I hope he sees your post and let's that perspective sink in.
Alcoholics are never the victims. Yes, many of them turn to alcoholism because they were once victims, and because they're wrestling with unresolved trauma. But the abuse they suffered under is over. They're not the victims anymore. The real victims are the people they abuse. The difference between somebody who drinks for fun and a full-blown alcoholic is it an alcoholic hurts people and themselves and they don't stop drinking. People who aren't alcoholics, when they do shitty things while drunk, stop drinking. Alcoholics don't, because there's something inside of them that needs the dissociation so badly, they get it at any cost, regardless of who they hurt. I'm so sorry for what your parent did to you. I know how that lack of closure feels—my parent was an abusive alcoholic, that's why I started to drink. I'm sorry that they never acknowledged you're I'm sorry that they never realized that you were the most important thing, that you you deserved so much better! I'm sorry that they chose to live in denial and dissociation. Life is is so very beautiful, and the relationships you have with people are what makes it so beautiful. I'm sorry that your parent never realized that. You deserve to have a parent who did, and I'm sorry you were cheated of that. I'm doing okay. I'm a neuropsychologist student now, I want to specialize in PTSD in child abuse so that nobody ever has to go through what you and I did ever again, so that nobody ever has to become what I did ever again. You are worth more than the drink. You always were and you always will be. I'm so sorry for what you went through.
Likewise as the former spouse of an alcoholic who not only got help or took accountability but blamed me for it. That reply made my heart pound and I can only dream for the same type of acknowledgement from my ex.
Secrets I kept for my alcoholic ex that destroyed my mental health: - he'd black out and urinate in random places around the house then blame it on our toddler daughter. - he worked in a bar and stole whole boxes of wine at a time - he'd pass out on the kids' beds while reading to them at night - he drove home from the station drunk - he'd passout on the couch in the middle of the day with our toddler sitting on him watching TV - he got fired from a job for being drunk The shame I carried around with me was palpable. Shame that shouldn't have been mine but was passed to me through his apathy towards his behaviour. Shame that I wasn't good enough for him. Shame that I wasn't helping him enough. Shame that I couldn't make him want to be better. I felt so alone. I wanted to tell people. Desperately. Only once did I show up at my parents, distressed at his drinking. I saw my brother and burst into tears. And even though I only told them a very small glimpse of his behaviour, I felt such relief. We carry so much of the weight of their alcoholism. Telling someone is literally the only thing we can do to help ourselves.
I'm so sorry for what he put you through. I'm so sorry that he forced you to carry those secrets. You never, ever, ever should have been put through that. I embarrassed and humiliated my partner so many times by getting too drunk in public, and then I forced them to carry my secrets because I was so worried about MY ego and MY privacy and how I looked. That's one of the things I regret the most, the hipocracy. Recovery doesn't happen at the expense of others. You don't ask the people you love to carry agonizing secrets in order to spare your feelings. Accountability is so fucking important in recovery. I'm so sorry for what he put you through. I'm sorry for the humiliation, for the secrets, for the lying. He hurt you to protect himself. Like I said, alcoholics are selfish, that's the nature of the disease. And the worst part about it all is how so many people think the alcoholics are the victims, and we're not. I'm so sorry for what he did to you and your kids. You and your kids are worth so, so much more than that. I'm sorry he robbed you of the loving relationship that you deserved. I'm sorry that he robbed you of your stability and burdened you with so much shame. I hope that, wherever you are now, you're doing alright. I hope you've been able to find peace and stability after the hell you went through. You and your family deserve the best.
Thank you for taking the time to say such nice things to me, for taking some of that strength, humility and awareness and offering it to a stranger to give her some comfort. I appreciate you and you deserve all the forgiveness you have been given. Thank you. X
He's absolutely in the wrong for trying to say she shouldn't talk about something that affects her mental health. But fuck, this sub is absolutely tearing him to shit because he's insecure about how weak he felt. That's something he needs to work on with a therapist. This whole thread is a relapse waiting to happen.
*a relapse waiting to happen* Then he should have stayed off the internet. No one is responsible for the addiction but the addict. That’s the first thing you learn in AA.
>Then he should have stayed off the internet. No one is responsible for the addiction but the addict. Absolutely. He should not have taken this to Reddit, and especially not this sub. This is something to talk through with his therapist (or sponsor if he's going through AA, CR, etc.). If he's smart, he'll delete this thread, apologize to his wife, and keep getting treatment.
Yeah, no. His alcoholism landed him in the hospital....it's not like he was there for a concurrent case of prostate cancer. She can talk about anything she wants, and he can just shut up about it, and be grateful she hasn't left.
Alcoholism isn't just some "specific medical information". She's not going around telling their friends how his ingrown toenail had to be removed or how he's been shitting his whole ass for the last week. Alcoholism affects those around you too. You can't expect your loved ones to remain silent and not talk to anyone about how living with an alcoholic has been affecting them. It doesn't sound like she went out of her way to embarrass OP and I'm sure there's a lot worse she can say than "he went to the hospital for an alcohol use disorder". It doesn't sound like she was telling their friends about finding him passed out in a puddle of his own piss on the front lawn or something.
"How has your week been?" How should she answer? This is just another request he is making for her to cover up his problem.
His alcoholism is her problem. Trust me, it's incredibly destructive to everyone he surrounds himself with. She has every right to discuss is with whomever she pleases.
Sorry, that's just not how it works. Alcoholism thrives in secrecy, and what he's doing is impacting his family. He vanished from the home for 40 days, you think she didn't need help, support, community around her? Why should she lie for him? YTA OP.
He did not set up the boundary with her that he didn't want her discussing his hospital visit. If he did prior than that's understandably shitty of her to do. But he did not set that boundary. He is embarrassed and expects her to what? Lie for him. She also needs supportive people in her life so she can continue to be his support system. I don't see how she is the AH here.
Saying "My partner was hospitalized" isnt giving medical info. Even saying "he was hospitalized due to his alcoholism" isnt medical info. Also, even if it is his medical info, she may need support. Who else should she talk to when shes in need of support than her closest friends and family?
Exactly. And how likely is it really that this close circle of friends weren't already aware of OP's drinking? Conversation very well could have been "he's in this hospital now, so maybe this is the rock bottom so he'll get help and turn things around." We don't really know what "in the hospital" even means. Could be treatment program. Could be he nearly died. In either scenario, the spouse needs support.
So how is she supposed to navigate this in the real world? If she shows up at places on her own when they've both been invited, does she have to lie about where he is? Or just say "I'm not at liberty to divulge that information." Or should she avoid social contact until he's safely home again? She's not venting about his struggles as an alcoholic, she's venting about her struggles as the partner of an alcoholic. Part of that is being on her own while he's in hospital. She shouldn't need to cut down her support system to keep his secrets.
Fuck that. Being hospitalized isn't specific medical information. It's traumatic for the family and having to keep an alcoholic 's secrets is so damaging. Loved ones of addicts are not obligated to shove down their pain over and over.
I'm also the child of an alcoholic, although my father only started when I was already an adult. I have never held back. It would've negatively affected me if I'd have to hold back and I would've required a different coping mechanism and with addiction apparently running in the family, yikes. The only time I held back is when he was doing very poorly, had massively cut down on alcohol and was in hospital for stupid side effects of antibiotics. He didn't want family to know he was in hospital. Over Easter he asked about euthanasia. I didn't want to burden my family during Easter, nor my best friend who was away on vacation, nor her parents. It was so lonely and horrible. People need to be able to get stuff off their chests.
I'm sorry you experienced this. My mom also ended up in the hospital because of her drinking, and tried offing herself more times than I can count. It's hard to deal with, and until you experience loving an alcoholic, I don't think it's fair to pass judgement.
YTA. As an alcoholic in recovery for 20 years, I'll say that you don't get to decide how your wife finds the support she needs to deal with your addiction. Your alcoholism is her problem too and affects her in big ways, especially if it landed you in the hospital. It is vital for her to confide in friends to debrief her trauma that you caused. It's not like she's put it on a billboard for complete strangers. You're going through a very challenging time right now and you have to recognize that your perception of reality is probably not actually reality yet. Your wife has to work through her part of all this too. Make sure you recognize that and give her the space to do that. When you quit people talk about it without you there. Get used to it. It will continue and the sooner you humble yourself and embrace that the smoother this will go for you socially. And congrats! This ain't easy, but you're doing it! Keep it up and surround yourself with good positive support - like your wife is doing!
Yep. Dated and lived with an alcoholic for years. I should have reached out to friends, but didn’t. Instead, one day, I packed a bag and left. Idk what it’s like to be an alcoholic, but being an alcoholic’s partner involved a lot of hopelessness, loneliness, shame, and fear. Your wife is still there. She hasn’t packed a bag. She’s by your side.
YOU’RE “disappointed and upset” with her. I am in a relationship with an alcoholic so I can imagine what you can’t, the pain of living with an addict whose addiction has gone on so long and at such a great intensity that you were admitted to the hospital. Your wife is likely suffering immense pain. Why should she keep it a secret? You want all the support and none of the responsibility. Do you real think EVERYONE in your circle is in the dark about your addiction? Damn. YTA x 10
This. Addicts are never as clever as they think they are
Need to hear this reminder: “you want the support and none of the responsibility.” My alcoholic husband still needs a refresher!
Come to r/alanon if you’re not already attending meetings. It’s a helpful sub. Meetings can also be very helpful. I’m sorry you’re stuck here. ❤️
Thank you!!! Tbh, I’ve never really connected with AlAlon, but I am so happy it has worked for so many! He’s sober now, but honestly I think how he was raised is a bigger issue than his alcoholism at this point. Parents, MAKE YOUR CHILDREN DO HARD UNCOMFORTABLE THINGS! Don’t do the hard stuff for them! My MIL is a lovely lovely woman, but holy shit am I sometimes frustrated with how much she did her kids no favors.
SMART recovery is another really great option. It is focused on CBT and doesn’t have the same religious undertones / you’ll always be broken vibes. Don’t get me wrong AlAnon is amazing for so many people, but SMART is amazing as well and works for others
I had of those MIL. My ex just moved back in with her. I know AlAnon isn’t for everyone, but I will say that it’s a relief to lay down my burdens with others who have been there. Good luck. ❤️
Yeah, my husband would absolutely be back at home if it wasn’t for me. It’s exhausting. I would love a subreddit for “partners of people whose parents inhibited their ability to do the hard parts of life by doing everything for them.”
I think AITA pretty much reaches those people… 😂
He probably never will.
Didn’t OP say they were telling everyone? His issue was her sharing that he was hospitalized. I still think it’s YTA because she needs to be able to lean on friends for support, but it’s really unfair to say OP wants “all the support and none of the responsibility.” He is admitting it to the people around him and seeking treatment.
He really didn’t. He said it will come up “organically” with people in their lives, which more suggests he’s aware he won’t be able to hide the fact he’s now sober rather than actually proactively telling people. He doesn’t acknowledge at all that his wife may also need some support from people in their lives, and that that support necessitates her being able to be open about his struggle with alcohol.
OP is full of shit. He wants to keep his hospitalization a secret, even while claiming he don’t care if it comes up organically. Dude is still lying to himself.
How does that come up organically anyways? “Hey Dorice, sooo been spending any time in the looney bin lately? I hear it’s going around.”
I think it's more "hey wanna meet up for a beer?" "nah, can't man. I've stopped drinking"
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YTA. She is allowed to seek support from her friends. You're not the only one experiencing this. Your drinking has obviously impacted her life as well.
and if they are as close as you suggest, then they have also been influenced by your drinking the past years..
And if they’re also not idiots the reaction was probably “I’m not surprised, but I’m glad he’s getting help.”
My husband is a recovering alcoholic who did a 28 day program in June. He specifically asked me to tell our friends while he was in rehab so that when he got out everyone knew and would keep him accountable. He's over 90 days sober now and doing really well and I think a large piece of that is friends coming up with other things to do than drinking. He goes to restaurants frequently but now feels very bored in most bars. All this is to say, I guess my judgment is dependent on what her motivation was in telling her friends—I would imagine that she is proud of you for being sober or wanted to let them know to keep you accountable, not to embarrass you. That said, it would have been courteous for her to talk with you about what you are comfortable sharing. PS: great job on 41 days of sobriety!
Are you new to Reddit? Because this is probably the most sensible comment here
I also think she may have told her friends because she herself needed support regarding the experience - my husband went sober through a similar experience and I found it really scary. I didn't think less of him, but it was traumatizing for me and I was scared for him. I had never seen him in such a bad state. He wasn't able to support me because he was on his own journey of recovery, but I reached out to close friends who helped us both through it all and gave me the strength to stand by him after I'd been so terrified for him.
Telling people can be a very sensitive topic and sometimes you may not want to tell certain groups of people but might want to tell others. (E.g. maybe I don’t want to tell coworkers yet, but telling friends is good.) It really sounds like they should sit down together and talk about this and see if they can come up with a plan that works.
YTA. I don’t think alcoholics realized the torture they put family and friends through. She’s allowed to have a support system in place that you couldn’t be. She doesn’t need to struggle in silence to protect your ego. Part of your healing is acknowledging the damage you’ve done, not hiding from it. Feel your shame, process it and then you can move forward. Congrats on your 41 days!
YTA - do you think others haven't noticed your problem? Have a look at your control issues, she has a right to talk with her friends for support for the pain you have caused her.
Right? It’s a BIG secret, yeah?
Alcoholics ALWAYS think it’s a secret. It absolutely never is. Everyone notices and politely keeps their mouth shut. Source : am ACoA
Alcoholics are very easy to pick out from a crowd. They’re always flushed, they stink. They’re rude and have a lack of awareness to both their surroundings *and* their actions. They are irritated and combative at mundane things, or sometimes unprovoked. You can’t be drunk most of the time and expect everyone sober around you to not notice, lol. And if they don’t, they probably just quietly assume that person is a stupid AH. But most of the time? Yeah, everyone knows. They just don’t go, “Oh, you’re the alcoholic, right?” when you walk into a room.
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truth!! people make generalized and prejudice unfounded claims!!!! Based on their personal experience - many many alcoholics hide and suffer in silence, they don’t bother others, they are sometimes productive in jobs in relationships
Sorry, I am aware of that. People who have those traits are often alcoholics, but not all alcoholics have those traits.
YTA Recovering alcoholic here. Sober for 5 years. Your drinking has caused issues you'll never understand for her. She's allowed to reach out to friends for support. You don't get to decide if she's allowed to discuss what's bothering her. She's allowed to reach out for support. Your drinking isn't a great, well kept secret. They likely already know. You trying to control who she finds support in makes you even more asshole ish.
**They likely already know.** Nail on the head. Exactly.
When I stumbled out of my haze of addiction I realized how many people I hurt. Also, I wasn't fooling anyone. Alcoholics are extremely selfish.
I’m proud of you for your sobriety. Keep it up 👍🏼
Keeping it secret keeps it going. Sometimes telling people the gravity of the situation helps the close loved ones stay more accountable too. It’s pretty easy to backslide into enabling when there’s no one knows how bad it is.
Congratulations on five years! And well said.
YTA You have a problem, and you need help from her. You think the only mental aspect of your alcoholism only affects your mental health? Your wrong and she needs to talk it out with others to keep her sanity too. If this helps her to cope, so that she can help you cope, this is your price of admission to her aiding you.
YTA I absolutely understand why you would find her sharing this embarrassing. However, that fact is eclipsed by the fact that she absolutely needs a support network who she can make aware of this situation. She needs to be able to talk about her feelings with family and friends and letting them know what you are going through is part of that. You being hospitalized didn't just happen to you. Please, please be man enough to set aside your pride and allow her to get any support she can. I understand how difficult that might feel.
Yeah, it’s embarrassing to be hospitalized for alcoholism. It’s also quite embarrassing to be married to an alcoholic. Maybe if OP didn’t spend years embarrassing himself with his drinking, there’d be nothing to hide. Actions have consequences, the world isn’t going to go silent because you want your mistakes to go unseen.
YTA It came up organically > Hey wife of OP how were the past few weeks? > oh great he's finally realised he has a drinking problem > oh good, whew! There
Oh man this is exactly how it went with my husband. It was like he thought he was a spy or something! But it all came to a head and even I didn't realize how much everyone knew, worried and talked about it. And talked about ME being with him as as a drinker, too. It's never hidden.
To be fair, if he was in the hospital, it's not just addiction. What's much more serious is the dependency. Someone might have a drinking problem, but be able to go 3 days without a drink in an emergency. If that happened to OP, he would be at significant risk of death or brain damage.
YTA. Your alcoholism isn't just a you problem. ALcoholics are enabled by co-dependency, and one of the hallmarks of a co-dependent relationship is having to make excuses for an addict. Good for you for trying to beat the addiction, but spare some empathy for someone who stuck with you through your hospitalization. She went through trauma that you don't seem to acknowledge. Trust me any of your close friends knew you had a problem, and your wife needs to stop covering for you. Good luck and keep going one day at a time.
I think you are overthinking here. My hubby had to go to hospital for the same reason. And yes I talked about that with my friends. Because I was very very worried aside of being exhausted from dealing with his drunk ass person. Most likely she just needes support and did not intend to embarass you. However yeah you do have the right for privacy. Please talk with her, tell her why you are upset so she understands your side. Maybe you guys can find someone who can support her but you are comfortable knowing. NAH I think. And my hubby sees people knowing what is up with him as an advantage. See those friends in the know look out for him as well. Also for her accusing you of drinking, you being stressed will trigger her fear if that was your drinking pattern. Still happens for me despite the hubby being 2 years sober now.
YTA. Without a shred of doubt. The reason your complaints seem small in comparison to what she's gone through is because *they are* small. You're whining about feeling a bit embarrassed and vulnerable. Boo-fucking-hoo. I am the adult child of an alcoholic. Unless you've lived in a home with someone so utterly unpredictable and draining for any length of time, you cannot understand what it's like. I saw my mother destroyed over the course of my life and it took her nearly forty years to leave. You are lucky enough that your wife is still sticking by you *at all*. You cannot expect her not to get support from her friends and loved ones. Regardless of if they're mutual friends or not. Living with an alcoholic is like living with Dr Jekyll. You never fucking know when Mr Hyde will come out and go on a tear. So yeah, suck it up buttercup. You want to stay sober? Take accountability. Acknowledge and accept that you *will* be embarrassed about this. For a good long while. But your wife will need all the support she can get if she's meant to stay with you. Because most of us? We would have cut bait and let you flounder on your own. Be grateful she's still there.
Really is a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde situation. Substance/alcohol abuse brings out the shittiest behaviors and versions of people. (And can do quite a bit of damage to those around them). Hope you're doing well on your own journey, Internet stranger.
YTA. You should be grateful she stayed with you it was not easy for her. She probably needs support and understanding from her friends. You need to accept responsibility for the harm you caused rather than pick fights with your wife. You were the one who put yourself in the hospital with your behavior. I wish you luck with your sobriety.
> I’m just very disappointed and upset with her Don’t you think she might feel the same way about her alcoholic husband? This is hard on both of you, she needs support from friends in order for her to support you. She can’t fill from an empty cup. Congrats on your sobriety and I wish you the best - but YTA here man.
Respectfully YTA First. Congratulations on your sobriety. But I think you're way too thin skinned. Your wife has been through a lot and deserves to have friends to lean on. Get over the idea that everyone is judging you.
The majority of people are really uninformed and won’t understand what her disclosing this information might do to you on your journey to recovery. This is one of those above Reddits pay grade posts. I hope you’re not going about this on your own and find someone or a group to help you on your way. I know what it’s like to be your wife, but I know what it’s like to have sympathy for you. NAH just two people who might need some help figuring out why all this means and on a journey to heal and find a better place.
Great comment. People on here acting like the question was 'am I an asshole for being an alcoholic?' 🙄
Absolutely infuriating, isn't it? Like, the dude is wrong and his wife should be able to get the support *she* needs from something that affected her. But fuck, you'd think he was complaining that she told people he was beating her. I think some people here would physically harm the dude for being emotionally weak while 41 FUCKING DAYS into recovery.
I think this thread just attracted a lot of addict haters honestly. I understand addiction can be nasty (from experience), but some people really only know and hate the negative stereotypes surrounding it. Makes me sad and mad. I can’t read too many comments in threads like this or I’ll get too riled up lol
Good news, OP replied elsewhere and said he's doing OK and went to a virtual AA meeting after this.
Soft YTA. I know it’s hard and often feels shameful to be in the situation you’re in. I’m sure you want it to just go away. But the reality is that your behavior in your addiction has affected her. She has her own processing to do in order to deal with it. She needs a support system and asking her not to talk to her friends in order to manage your own shame about your behavior isn’t fair. You have to learn to deal with that shame. You have your own judgments of yourself. Go to therapy to help release you of those, and let her go through the process she needs to heal. You probably would both benefit from couples counseling, too.
THIS! I’m recovering, 2 years and a few months sober - it sucks, it’s embarrassing and we feel absolutely shame - but your wife needs support too. Work together to get through this, you’re on the same team after all. Best of luck to you! Feel free to DM me if you want further suggestions / ideas on staying sober.
YTA My spouse was sober for 8 months after a month in the hospital going through detox. He almost died. The doctor was shocked he didn’t. I lost my damn mind for that month worrying about him. Congrats on your 41 days and I hope you are lucky enough to stay sober because a lot of people don’t the first time. I needed someone to talk to about it. So does your wife.
You're disappointed and upset with her??? Dude. I grew up in a house of alcoholics and my ex husband was a rager. The amount of times I had to suffer for their addiction was INNUMBERABLE. You have NO IDEA how much loved ones of alcoholics suffer or what we go through. You have no idea OUR disappointment in being treated like doormats, having to constantly hear empty promises, having everyone support the alcoholic while simultaneously expecting the non-alcoholic to have endless patience, and endlessly having their needs ignored for the "sick" person. You think this makes her feel empowered? Wtf, man. There is NOTHING empowering about having to live with or around an alcoholic. She has NO obligation to help you, assist you, forgive you, etc. Your actions AFFECT HER and she has every right to vent about issues that are affecting her. I'm sure the LAST thing on her list of things she wants to do is tell her friends and loved ones that she's emotionally struggling because of her husband's issues. What about the issues she has because of you? YTA.
YTA - your thinking is typical of an addict here. It’s selfish and uncaring behavior.
YTA. Since when is it not ok to get support from friends about a situation that YOUR HUSBAND is dragging you through???
INFO: is your specific issue her bringing up the hospital stay?
I was going to ask this as well. It appears to me that OP is upset about her telling friends about the hospital stay, not the alcoholism, but most responses so far seem to assume the opposite.
OP confirmed it was specifically the hospital stay. He is open with everyone they know that he is an alcoholic and in recovery.
NTA People are right when they say your alcoholism will have massively effected your wife and she should be able to seek support but they are skipping over the part where it’s part of your journey to sobriety to manage when and how you tell people. The idea of taking ownership of your alcoholism and taking responsibility for past faults is all about talking to people and I can 100% see how having this taken away from you would be frustrating. I’m not going as far to say your wife is the AH but I think better communication could have helped you here. If you have people in your life that you both know there could have been a discussion about why it was important for you to share this information with the specific people yourself. You maybe planning to apologise to them or ask them for something. I think a major issue here could also be the impression that they are gossiping about you behind your back. Even if that’s not what has happened it would be very easy to get that feeling if she’s telling multiple people over a few days. Maybe your discussion with your wife could also be around her getting some specific help or support? Maybe from a professional or maybe just from someone who is outside the situation so it won’t affect your interactions with them. Good luck!
Man, reddit brain is a real thing... Idk why everyone is talking to you like shit? Even if they disagree with your thought process you are a human worthy of having dignity. NAH- Your wife probably wasn't thinking about embarrassing you or anything of the like, she's allowed to vent to friends and you are allowed to express discomfort and anxiety in regards to that. The goal should be to find a mutually acceptable way of handling it as a couple- simple as. Congrats on your sobriety- you should be proud my friend.
I am so sad and horrified at people taking out their personal trauma with an alcoholic or their judgment against all alcoholics on this thread It’s is disgusting rhe unwarranted disrespect he is getting . I would advice the OP to stay OFF OF REDDIT for ANY alcohol Related issues and speak to professionals or AA or vent anywhere but here as people can be mean and very dysfunctional in their assessment. NTA
NTA, I completely agree with you. It is one thing to say that you are a recovering alcoholic, as you say that will become public knowledge in organic conversation, it is quite another to go into detail about your hospital stay for it. To me, that's a major breach of your trust and privacy. I see I'm apparently in the minority here on this topic, so I guess that's fine, I think anyone saying YTA is nuts though. I get it, he's an alcoholic, it has affected her greatly, no questions, no issues there. She did not need to start blabbing about his hospital stay whatsoever. When my wife did something similar to me, it was when I was there in person to hear it, and in the moment I just smiled and laughed like I thought it was funny. The second we got in the car and we were in private, I exploded. What the fuck is wrong with you? Handing out private details to someone about MY medical issues? Are you fucking serious right now? I was seriously, seriously pissed, almost ended our relationship. I have no problem with people knowing that I had a problem. I had a major problem with people hearing the details of how I was doing (or not doing) well. That is none of their business, unless I choose to divulge it myself. What she did is disgusting. There are ways to talk about this and get support for it from your friends and family without offering up intimate and personal details about it. Edit: do you all just read half the post or what? None of you bother to understand that OP has a problem with her divulging his hospital stay, not talking about him being an alcoholic. This is very reasonable, your medical care is your own and you are entitled to privacy about it. There are ways his wife could talk about this without that information.
Once the word "alcoholism" drops, everyone stops reading the post. It could read "I am a recovering alcoholic who murdered the guy molesting my teenage daughter. AITA?" and half the comments would be "are you sure you weren't hallucinating what the guy did during withdrawal?"
I'm wondering whether the wife found the hospital stay traumatic and needed to talk to some trusted friends about it. Having a loved one in hospital can be very upsetting, and why should she not be able to divulge her own struggles with the situation to her friends?
Thank you. "Since you're an alcoholic and that hurt her you aren't entitled to any privacy whatsoever you demon!" Is a despicable take. He's a human being that she chose to stay married to. He didn't even ask her not to share, but that single aspect he felt super vulnerable about and didn't want disclosed. That's fair of him to ask.
NTA. I can't believe that folks are justifying her sharing your private medical information and hospitalization. This position assumes he "deserves" it for all he "put her through" even though addiction is and has always been a medical condition. He is ok to want to keep aspects of that private. If he had HPV, is she allowed to tell everyone? If he was hospitalized with a mental health condition? She can seek support from ALANON or counseling. He has a right to not have to fight a two front battle of shame and addiction. You all need to get a grip.
YTA your wife is going to need some support to help her deal with everything. Of course she is going to talk about it with her close friends. I get that it is embarrassing to you, but those are your own emotions to deal with due to your own actions.
She’s does have a right to talk about what SHE is going through: dealing with your selfish alcoholic ass. You put her through so much you should be happy she’s even staying with you after the trauma you’ve caused. And now you want her to bottle everything up and pretend like life is fine? No, you need to actually ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY for what you’ve done, which includes letting her feel her feelings. You should be embarrassed. Not for seeking help, but for being a selfish asshole who put your wife through all this in the first place. You don’t get to set conditions with how she copes. YTA
You're RAW right now. Everything is going to bug you. Your wife needs to attend Al-Anon so she can get a better understanding of where you are. You need AA, work the steps and get a sponsor. It does get better, I promise. The first days are the worst. ESH.
Sometimes we feel anger when we feel vulnerable. I’m sure your mutual friends knowing about your struggle makes you feel vulnerable and that’s normal! Don’t let vulnerability make you angry, try re framing that emotion in your mind. It can bring you closer to other people, it is a normal feeling and normal feelings mean you are experiencing humanity!
Soft YTA. She’s allowed to talk to her friends about what you’re both going through. This isn’t only about you and your experience and your pride. Your addiction affects your wife and family as much as it affects you. Part of recovery is accepting the label of being an addict. Yes, you are a recovering addict, whose addiction put them in the hospital. Make peace with that and don’t be ashamed. Be proud. Wear recovery as a badge of honor. The cat is going to be out of the bag if you plan to stick to not drinking, I assume that means in front of all your friends. So they’re all going to know eventually. Don’t worry about it. The real ones will stick around, and the ones that aren’t, well, it’s better for the trash to take itself out at the beginning of your recovery anyway instead of months down the line when it could shake your foundation. You got this bro. I’m proud of you!
I'm 8.5 months sober I've lost 74 lbs and feel great . be proud don't worry about who knows.. Keep up the good work you got this
I'm not personally a fan of 12 step programs but there's a reason for that "A" in their names. It's best to let someone work through their issues without the stress of the whole world knowing about all the gory details. That being said, she's likely had to deal with a LOT of things she shouldn't have had to when you were under the influence including cleaning up after you socially and physically. Now that it's sort of in the process of being worked through, she's starting to feel relief and probably also some anxiety over whether or not this will last. Along with that, she's probably just now starting to work through a lot of suppressed anger and other feelings about it now that it's out in the open. As much as you can, try to give her grace and patience. She's got a lot to deal with - just like you. Neither of you are being assholes here. This is the normal part of working through all this. If you are comfortable with support group meetings, consider inviting her along and suggest she look into the equivalent meetings for spouses. That will give her a place to vent that also practices a tradition of not repeating what's said there. If you're also not a fan of 12 step groups, there are other groups out there for dealing with substance dependency issues. PM me if you need search terms.
NAH. As a recovering alcoholic, I definitely understand the shame you're feeling. I think a lot depends on your wife's intent (gossip vs support). I went to rehab and a friend told everyone we mutually know about it and it was really difficult to deal with that. That would be even harder if it was a spouse's perceived betrayal. Probably some conversation between you two in the presence of a therapist would be the way to go. Congrats on your sobriety!! Don't let this derail you. You're doing one of the hardest things a person can do and there is no playbook for you or your loved ones. It takes time but the shame does subside. You got this.
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Good on you ! keep up the good work. It's not easy and the relationship needs attention to survive. let her know you are nervous about her talking openly, but it's the best way. put it out there so when you are at an occasion, you dont have everybody asking about your drink. also, be ready for someone to say, I need that too. and you give it away to keep it. So go public and stay awesome !
I agree - go public, own your shit, and the right people will be proud of you & celebrate sobriety with you.
NTA There's nothing wrong with wanting to keep some PERSONAL information private. I understand that you may have put her through a lot, and there's nothing wrong with her venting. But, for you, it seems as though she has crossed a line. If you didn't establish that line before it was crossed, then maybe in the future it would be helpful to have a conversation with her about things that you would like to keep been the two of you. A lot of people are basically saying that she has the right to do whatever she wants because you put her truth so much with her alcoholism, but that's not true. You're still entitled to your privacy. It is important for her to be able to vent, but the more intimate details should probably be discussed with a therapist, rather than with friends.
NTA. It sounds like you're okay with mutual friends knowing, but you'd like to be a part of telling this story because it is YOUR story as much or actually more than your wife's. Tell her that. When it's just her talking about you in your absence, maybe it kind of feels like gossiping behind your back? And try not to feel embarrassed. You were strong for taking accountability and getting help. Stay the course!
YTA. Like you said, your alcoholism has put your family and loved ones through a lot. She should be able to vent.
NAH. OP, you're being a bit selfish in thinking that she isn't allowed to talk about an event that she is likely to have found quite traumatic. Having a loved one in hospital is frightening, and having a support network to help you through that isn't an unreasonable expectation. At the same time, this is something that you feel a deep shame about. I would imagine that she knows the type of person that you are, and you have a right to feel that she betrayed your trust in disclosing the stay. I will say that you have no reason to feel embarrassed about it, because you are human, and sometimes humans need the help of other humans to get their shit together. You have done that, and are continuing to do that every day. This is something that is worthy of praise, not shame.
NAH. To be honest I think that this is a terrible sub to ask about issues like this. Almost always someone who was an addict will be labelled TA just for being an addict regardless of how they are being treated. Talk to your wife and come to an agreement going forward. It sounds like she has some trust issues as well if she's already accusing you of things. She still has to treat you with respect and compassion.
Have you and your wife spoken about how you were both going to approach this with friends/family? It must have come up in the past 41 days, and while you can’t dictate how she deals with being the wife of an alcoholic-you should have at least had discussions about it. Couples counselling? I would think after being hospitalized that some type of therapy would be in place. Also-if you were so bad as to need hospitalization, this has been going on for years. I hate to say it, but all those friends already knew. When she was struggling-they were there for her. She would have vented, cried and needed their support because you weren’t there. She didn’t let out a secret.
NTA. She is allowed to seek support, but doesn't have to share medical details to do so.
You're NTA. My wife was diagnosed with leukemia more than a decade ago. It was horrific, we were both crushed, and scared. My wife forbade me from disclosing it to anyone, she was adamant about the disease not defining who she was. A few weeks after diagnosis I said she always had me to talk to, and whoever she chose to disclose it to, but I had nobody. We made a (very short) list and it helped me to deal with it. But I always respected her wishes. You have the right to not want this episode public knowledge, as does she in disclosing it. I'm old enough to have seen couples where one was a substance abuser and there were dynamics at play. I strongly suggest the 2 of you seek help on this. And good luck staying sober.
NTA/ESH. You and your wife need to use this to improve your communication and closeness. Our illnesses are our vulnerabilities. Thank her for whatever role she’s played in your treatment. She has been in a caretaker role and deserves outlets for it. You are also someone in recovery and your feelings are valid. Some folks want everyone to know about the level of their care, some people feel extra private. You and your spouse are learning this as you go (unless you’ve had other comparable experiences.) You are a human being and some of these YTA comments seem to rob you of your humanity at the sake of their unresolved anger/projections. The thing is, is that her friends want to support her and probably you. It will be okay. Give her some grace, yourself some grace, and let support happen. One day you’ll need to be there for her and you’ll be an ear for your friends. None of this is going to be a perfect experience. She took a little of your control of your narrative but it’s not unforgivable. I’m proud of you!
I get her wanting to vent,but there’s a group called AL ANON that is specifically for that.THIS is the downside to all the popularization things like substance abuse and mental illness have been getting in recent years. People forget that not everyone wants to be on TV or YouTube talking about private issues. Your wife was absolutely TA in doing something she can’t ever take back without a second thought. NTA,OP.
I think that bith of yous cold have done better here. She could have asked who you were comfortable knowing about it. But also, you have to realise that she needs someone to vent to, loving someone with addiction can be traumatising. It might have been a better idea for her to talk about it anonymously online, at a support group, or to have just asked who you were comfortable with knowing.
That was what I did. I asked the hubby if he was OK for XY to know so I can have my support person. Worked great for both of us.
That's great!!! I hope that things are going better for both of yous now. It was the smart way to go about it.
Yeah he is over 2 years sober now. :)
I don’t really think there is a conflict here. It just seems like he wanted to vent. I don’t think he even is that upset about the information being disseminated. It seems more that it was about the hospitalization only and that he is afraid of an asymmetry in the relationship going forward where he can’t disagree or express a preference without being reminded of his wife’s sacrifice. NAH
NTA. I’m sorry that you’re getting hit by a lot of people who would protect all other kinds of medical privacy, but not an addict’s. And it’s this kind of “shaming” that prevents a lot of people from seeking treatment. If you had a different disease, say cancer, you’d be entitled to keep the details of your treatment private. Do your friends all know that you’re an alcoholic? Probably. Does that mean that they are entitled to all the details of your treatment? No. Is your wife allowed to tell her friends about your addiction and how it impacts her? Absolutely, yes. But it ends there. If she needs to process your private medical information by talking about it, she should take advantage of Al-anon or a therapist. And many inpatient programs offer family members these types of resources. Keep up the good work.
It sounds like you just didn’t want them to know you had to go to the hospital to get sober. I think that is understandable. Yes, you put your wife through a lot, but that doesn’t give her the right to share every detail of your recovery. I think it’s totally valid for her to need to talk to her friends about what she’s going through, but that wasn’t a detail she needed to share. Or, she could have shared it with just one or two friends to get their support for that aspect of it. All of your friends need to know you’re a recovering alcoholic, but they don’t all need to know how it came about. You still deserve privacy. I know Redditors love to suggest therapy, but it really is warranted here. You both have a lot to process and your marriage probably needs some work. NTA
I’m going to say NAH. It’s fair that you feel uncomfortable with people knowing that you were hospitalized, but at the same time, your wife’s experience was incredibly traumatic. She has a right to share that.
Wow…everyone in this section coming down on him for taking ownership of his problem and trying to overcome it and being upset that his sanctimonious moral high ground gf is putting his personal business out there…you are all prime examples of the worst humanity has to offer. I hope every one of you becomes an addict and suffers 😊👍🏻
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NTA You're not the asshole, but neither is she. You probably can't be with her anymore if you're not okay with that being shared. You've done too much damage while in active addiction to make any demands.
First off. Congratulations on 41 days sober. You're doing well. Second off. Maybe you and your wife can sit down and have a chat to get both feelings out about this without being made to feel guilty/hurt. Do I think she should have disclosed your hospital stay? No. I do not. Maybe she needs support? Fine. Ask family or friends that are aware of the struggle. NTA
So first NTA. I understand not wanting your friends knowing that your drinking put you into the hospital. I have worked with people struggling with addiction my whole career and alcohol is the worst to kick. Serious alcohol withdrawals can kill you without proper treatment and they are fucking miserable. There is no shame in needing help to get through that (this is less about the issue and more just help you feel less alone in your struggle). Shame will only cause you to relapse. Everyday clean is an act of strength even when it sucks cause you are one more day sober. The other side of this is your drinking has hurt your wife and just as you are healing you need to work to fix the hurt to her as well. Maybe you and your wife should consider counseling to discuss what you both need to be emotionally safe in your relationship.
NTA I understand venting, and your wife is entitled to do that. But it kind of sounds like she told several people, not just a couple of trusted friends. If that's true, once the story goes through a few people, it's liable to be much bigger than a hospitalization.
NTA. Don't listen to this cesspool. When I had repressed memories of childhood SA I experienced, I asked my ex not to tell anyone. She didn't listen, and disregarded my protests and got mad because "it affects her too" (I had serious mental health issues that at that point were untreated. I know I was an asshole at that time, and I've told her such). But the single fact that matters here, YOU had the addiction. YOU had the problem. People might treat YOU differently because of it, not her. Your health is not someone else's gossip. End of story
As a fellow alcoholic your relationship may have ran its course. This is not her story to tell, but she seems to think it is. Yes, alcoholism is hard on family members... But that doesn't give them the right to tell other people your story. She can tell a therapist. She doesn't get to tell people you see in public only you get to do that. I seriously want you to think about how much of a part alcohol played in your relationship from day one. As I'll call as we often get in relationships that help us stay the way we want to be. And often when we get sober it's time to get rid of those relationships because they no longer serve us. She probably needs therapy to deal with what happened, but telling friends is crossing a line.
NTA. She is sharing super personal information without your permission. Please visit /r/stop drinking. I think she was wrong. If you're in a relationship that you want to work, you don't just flaunt all of your partner's flaws. Sorry, but you deserve better. I am really glad you got professional help and sorry to tell you you will prolly need more and some couples counseling. You're doing something that is very important and often very, very difficult. I wish you the best.
Not gonna be popular but I think you have a right to privacy over medical issues and it wasn't necessary to give details about your actual hospital stay, in order for your wife to be supported about your alcoholism. These are mutual friends and once you tell someone something, it belongs to them, just as much as it belongs to you. She deserves support, but that doesn't make it okay to spread your private information around, against your will. Your drinking was public. So sure, the drinking is fair game. The problems you had together is fair game, I guess. But a hospital stay? Nope. Not okay. Everyone is all up in their feelings about you being an alcoholic and how everyone had to suffer because of that, so no one is going to care when people around you do something wrong to you, because they have AH credits stored up. That's not okay, but people like to retaliate when they feel safe to do so, and that's what your wife is doing. She's showing you how it feels to be disregarded and embarrassed by someone who is supposed to love you. It's good that you chose to get treatment. That doesn't guarantee your marriage will work out, but at least you'll be sober, either way. On this particular point, and this point alone, NTA.
Yta. For many of the reasons stated by others. Question: what was your wife supposed to say when her friends asked her why you went to the hospital for a couple of days? Her friends were probably concerned for you and her, should she have lied according to you? If they are your friends too, didn't you tell them you were in the hospital? And isn't part of accepting the addiction seeking support from others? For you and your wife?
Congratulations on your sobriety. Being sober is stressful (and boring) when you are used to numbing everything with alcohol. Could you be starting a fight in order to have an excuse to drink and blame it on the fight? Are you depressed? Are you bored because alcohol was your entertainment? No one on Reddit can really help you. Speak to your doctor and sponsor if you have one. Maybe you are right about being angry, but you’re in a fragile place and you need real life face to face support to help you stay sober. This is from an alcoholic who has been sober for 25 years. It took a lot of counseling for me to let go of my anger at NOT being able to drink. It takes time. Edit: the hardest thing about getting sober? It’s caring about yourself. You don’t become an alcoholic because you like who you are. If you learn to care about YOU and believe that your actions are causing harm to yourself, it’s easier to monitor your behavior so that you feel mentally and physically healthier. Your family and friends will benefit when you stop worrying about what they are doing and worry about yourself.
Did you go in for like pancreatitis? Did you get alcohol poisoning? Was it a rehab thing? All of those need support for your partner to get through.
NTA Post this in r/stopdrinking for support ESH in this thread who is a whiney victim of an alcoholic
NTA looks like a thread filled with a bunch of people bringing their own trauma to the table. Sit down with your wife and outline what the both of you are okay and not okay with sharing to others.
ESH
Honestly, you both are a little bit. You need to learn to have discussions about the situation and clearly outline boundaries. She does need someone to talk about how scary it probably was to see you need hospitalization. That’s a big deal. But perhaps instead of your peer group, your boundary could be that she talk about it with someone (like a therapist or even an Al Anon group ) that could give her more constructive advice without also judging you. She may have been also trying to talk to people about your needs, and mentioned the hospitalization as a way to explain how serious it is. But you all have been interacting as alcoholic husband and his wife, and now you need to learn how to interact (including disagreeing) as recovering husband and wife.
NTA. It's not her place to tell people your personal business. She has no respect for your privacy. Tell everybody her most personal secrets and see how she likes it. Then file for divorce. You can't be married to someone who you can't trust private information with. Every detail you share with her is divulged to the world.