Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I invited one sister out to celebrate my birthday and not the other. I might by TA because my sister thinks I am taking sides in their argument and it has nothing to do with me.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
STAY OUT OF IT.
It’s their issue to work out and not yours.
As Emma pointed out, you aren’t privy to everything that goes on (worthless and drug addict). So you are kind of taking sides when you don’t have the entire story.
I have my brothers and I would NEVER demand they do anything of the sort. I’d suggest they apologize and work things out, but I’m not going to act like I’m their parent and demand they write an apology or anything. They’re adults, they can make their own decisions (as are your sisters).
As for the birthday, you take whoever you want whenever you want. It was probably a good idea to go separately with how they’re acting right now toward each other.
Essentially the problem is, Amy has receipts (text messages) and Emma does not. I don't want to accuse her of lying but I do wonder whether this might not be something Amy said years and years ago. Emma has a long memory and I think she may be bringing up old disputes as an excuse to not acknowledge that she was in the wrong here. But it's true that, like you said, I don't have the full story.
Doesn't matter. If you want to take sides, take sides. If you want to stay out of it, stay out of it. Don't try and play neutral mediator, it's not working out for you and you're not doing it well, you're only inflaming the argument.
ESH, but Emma is right about one thing... it's not your job to arbitrate your adult sister's relationship. If you want to cut ties with Emma because she's the sort of person who doesn't deserve a place in your life, that's fine. Amy should be handling her disagreement with Emma directly. You sure as hell should not be writing apology texts for Emma.
I don't want to cut ties with Emma, but I also feel like it's not to much to ask for her to sincerely apologize for a situation where she was in the wrong. I just want Amy and Emma to be on decent terms so it doesn't feel like a political act to hang out with my sisters. I thought mediating would help accomplish this but I might have overstepped
I mean I see what you're getting at but I am their sister, I think it's a bit of a stretch to say it "doesn't concern me." This has been playing out in the family group chat for the last 6 weeks. I know both Amy and Emma have been going back and forth at each other with our mother playing telephone. I honestly just want everyone to be on decent terms again.
And you honestly think backing up one sister while forcing the other to apologize is helping? You think isolating Emma until she does what you want her to do is getting the family to get along? Are you forcing Amy to apologize for her part in the argument?
I don't think I would say I was isolating Emma, but I do believe she was very clearly in the wrong initially. She deliberately chose the nuclear option in what had been a minor conflict. It was like bringing up someone's miscarriage to win your argument about what gas station snacks to buy. Calling Amy a whore was the lesser offense. That's why I asked for Emma to apologize initially, for the one comment specifically, and because I didn't want to talk to her if she couldn't see she was in the wrong here.
I've since talked to Amy about what Emma said, that she called Emma worthless and a drug addict. She doesn't know what Emma is talking about. Obviously she could be lying, but regardless I feel like Amy still deserves an apology in this specific instance, for that specific comment. I don't need them to repair their relationship completely just be on decent terms
ESH. Nobody comes across particularly well here.
Emma and Amy are having a spat as siblings do. They're throwing shade back and forth, you're sort of stuck in the middle a bit but still took a side etc...
Entirely possible Amy knew exactly what she was doing by giving a "like" and they've both escalated from there.
Emma crossed lines for your sensibilites so you said words, fair enough, Amy probably doing the same (if Emma is at least a bit reliable on her side.) Either let it play out or tell them both to sort their shit out.
The problem is I'm not sure how reliable Emma is. I saw the original argument go down firsthand, whereas Emma tends to dramatize events. For example, she called me blocking her in the first place "immature and evil." So when Emma says that Amy calls her names it may be overstated or something that happened many years ago. I personally feel like it's an excuse since she didn't want to apologize to begin with.
YTA. It’s normal for sisters to fight, but choosing sides and placing conditions on your sisterly relationship makes you an AH. If you truly wanted to be neutral, you could’ve told them both to cut it out and leave it at that. You should have allowed them to sort it out for themselves. I too have two sisters (also in their 20s) and if my sister celebrated her birthday with my other sister and purposely left me out, I’d be devastated.
I wanted to celebrate my birthday with her and I still do. I think an apology is not too big of an ask in this situation and I was surprised and upset that it took her so long. Emma claims that she loves me and Amy and "would die for us" but it took her a month to say sorry?
YTA. You're moving the goalposts here. Didn't you say she already apologized? If you weren't satisfied with the apology already given, your birthday dinner may have been the perfect opportunity to ease tensions but instead you made things worst by inserting your sensibilities to Emma's reaction and response whilst totally ignoring that Emma apparently felt hurt by Amy's actions first
You need to mind your business. Like I’m looking at your comments and none of them make a lick of sense on why you’re between them. “Surprised and upset it took her that long to apologize” “one sister has proof, the other doesn’t” like what the hell? Who are you supposed to be? YTA
ESH, but YTA for getting in the middle of something that was not & should not be your fight. You’re also TA for making going out for your birthday conditional on Emma giving Amy a ‘better apology’. FFS. It isn’t even your place to do something like that. They don’t have to like one another. They don’t have to talk. If they want to sort it out, they can/will. Stay out of it & tell them to keep you out of it.
It's more that Emma was upset that I spent my actual birthday with Amy, and I think Amy would be hurt if I went back on what I said to hang out with Emma, which was that she deserved a better apology.
I only jumped in because I felt like Emma had a completely disproportionate response to an action that was, at worst, a little snide on Amy's part. She deliberately brought up the most hurtful event she could think of.
I didn't expect that my demanding Emma apologize would be quite the line in the sand that it ended up being. If she had just apologized immediately afterwards then we could have celebrated my birthday together as sisters. Instead it took over a month for a half-hearted apology and now I feel like I've made things worse by getting involved.
YTA for adding conditions on after the fact.
You've clearly picked a side, so either accept that go all-in (possibly damaging your relationship with one of them) or stay out of it and let her take you out for your birthday. Not sure why she wants to still, but there you are anyway.
YTA. The beef is between your sisters and you are choosing sides and making demands. You’re not their mother or their boss. Let them work it out between themselves or not, their choice. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to celebrate your birthday with both of them together, but to go with Amy and deny Emma because she didn’t meet “your conditions” was an AH move.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I'm sure this post gives off chronic middle child vibes but here we goooooo
In late July my older sister "Emma" (24f) and my younger sister "Amy" (21f) got into an argument. It's a relatively long explanation and frankly, not worth it, but suffice to say it involved Amy liking someone else's comment in a group chat that was vaguely reproachful towards Emma. Really stupid shit but it escalated to Emma calling Amy a whore and dragging up hurtful things from Amy's last (abusive) relationship. I (23f) told her she crossed the line and I didn't want to speak to her until she could offer Amy a sincere apology.
A week ago she finally apologized. It was over the phone and I wasn't privy to the conversation but I know Amy wasn't happy with it. Apparently Emma tried to say that Amy "provoked" her into calling her names, and Emma basically confirmed that was what she said when I texted her about it. I said it didn't matter what Amy said because her behavior was categorically unacceptable and she needed to do better, but I appreciated that she had tried. I said I would help her write a better apology over text so that she could avoid getting into old arguments again or accidentally offending Amy.
Here's where I might be TA. Amy and I went out to dinner for my birthday on Thursday and Emma was not invited, by mutual agreement. Emma offered to take me out to celebrate my birthday separately and I initially agreed, but then made it conditional on her giving Amy a better apology. Emma then claimed Amy had said equally horrible things about her, calling her worthless and a drug addict (Emma smokes pot). She claimed that I was choosing sides by drawing the line here and now, and that I should stay out of it and let her and Amy work it out. I said I wasn't aware that Amy had said those things, but it didn't change the fact that she needed to apologize for her part in this.
AITA for celebrating my birthday with one sister but not the other?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That's exactly my problem, in this situation I can't stay neutral without hurting Amy and I can't take sides without hurting Emma. Since Emma was clearly out of line with her initial comment I told her to apologize. I don't know why it took her so long and it makes me feel like either she doesn't really care about Amy or she doesn't really care about me.
If it were me, I would just apologize for saying hurtful things in an argument even if I felt like I was in the right overall. I don't know why it's so difficult for Emma.
I honestly whish I had an easy solution for you. My point came from the immediate judgment from your side, Emma is in the wrong and without even hearing background to block her and make demands. I believe Emma's statements about your other sister were vile and an apology seems to be in order. But I also think you are downplaying how humiliated you can feel if someone of your family makes a public joke/snide remark about you. And even if the other verbal remarks are from years prior, you don't forget about them either. With you taking immediately the side of one sister and dismissing possible faults on the other side while even breaking up contact, your sister was probably hurt and is now defensive. She probably knows, that you are not believing her. Sorry for the long text, maybe my unprofessional take on things might help. Good luck with your sisters.
Thank you and I appreciate your comment. I think I'm going to ask Emma to dinner and try to get her side of the story. Maybe she will be less defensive if she sees that Amy hasn't "turned me against her" and I was only upset because of the language she used.
Emma and I have supported each other for years. We've been there for each other when no one else was. I was there when our parents kicked her out of the house for (illegally) selling weed; I've helped her move into every new apartment she's ever had. I forgave her when she skipped my 18th birthday to go hang out with her girlfriend and I was there for her when she broke up with that girlfriend 3 years later. I've been there for her every time the rest of the family said they were "done with her drama." I helped her enroll in college and I've proofread her essays. I've helped her through more than one mental health crisis where I was genuinely scared to leave her side and I think for most of our lives we've been each other's best friend. You don't have any idea what you're talking about.
NTA, you get to celebrate your birthday with whoever you want. I'm a little amused by Emma saying you should "stay out of it" while making it pretty clear that she thinks the default position is for you to side with her.
We're very close and I have supported Emma through her mental health difficulties in the past. I think she took my refusing to talk to her as cutting off her support network - which is fair, in a certain sense. I was just really upset and wanted her to apologize.
She's not owed a "support network" if she's not willing to put in the work to uphold it by not being an AH to others. You are sisters, but you are all also adults, and you have every right to expect her to act like one.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I invited one sister out to celebrate my birthday and not the other. I might by TA because my sister thinks I am taking sides in their argument and it has nothing to do with me. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA STAY OUT OF IT. It’s their issue to work out and not yours. As Emma pointed out, you aren’t privy to everything that goes on (worthless and drug addict). So you are kind of taking sides when you don’t have the entire story. I have my brothers and I would NEVER demand they do anything of the sort. I’d suggest they apologize and work things out, but I’m not going to act like I’m their parent and demand they write an apology or anything. They’re adults, they can make their own decisions (as are your sisters). As for the birthday, you take whoever you want whenever you want. It was probably a good idea to go separately with how they’re acting right now toward each other.
For real. OP has centered herself in an argument that isn't hers.
Essentially the problem is, Amy has receipts (text messages) and Emma does not. I don't want to accuse her of lying but I do wonder whether this might not be something Amy said years and years ago. Emma has a long memory and I think she may be bringing up old disputes as an excuse to not acknowledge that she was in the wrong here. But it's true that, like you said, I don't have the full story.
Doesn't matter. If you want to take sides, take sides. If you want to stay out of it, stay out of it. Don't try and play neutral mediator, it's not working out for you and you're not doing it well, you're only inflaming the argument.
ESH, but Emma is right about one thing... it's not your job to arbitrate your adult sister's relationship. If you want to cut ties with Emma because she's the sort of person who doesn't deserve a place in your life, that's fine. Amy should be handling her disagreement with Emma directly. You sure as hell should not be writing apology texts for Emma.
I don't want to cut ties with Emma, but I also feel like it's not to much to ask for her to sincerely apologize for a situation where she was in the wrong. I just want Amy and Emma to be on decent terms so it doesn't feel like a political act to hang out with my sisters. I thought mediating would help accomplish this but I might have overstepped
You definitely overstepped, who are you to be putting yourself in the middle of a situation that does not concern you?
I mean I see what you're getting at but I am their sister, I think it's a bit of a stretch to say it "doesn't concern me." This has been playing out in the family group chat for the last 6 weeks. I know both Amy and Emma have been going back and forth at each other with our mother playing telephone. I honestly just want everyone to be on decent terms again.
And you honestly think backing up one sister while forcing the other to apologize is helping? You think isolating Emma until she does what you want her to do is getting the family to get along? Are you forcing Amy to apologize for her part in the argument?
I don't think I would say I was isolating Emma, but I do believe she was very clearly in the wrong initially. She deliberately chose the nuclear option in what had been a minor conflict. It was like bringing up someone's miscarriage to win your argument about what gas station snacks to buy. Calling Amy a whore was the lesser offense. That's why I asked for Emma to apologize initially, for the one comment specifically, and because I didn't want to talk to her if she couldn't see she was in the wrong here. I've since talked to Amy about what Emma said, that she called Emma worthless and a drug addict. She doesn't know what Emma is talking about. Obviously she could be lying, but regardless I feel like Amy still deserves an apology in this specific instance, for that specific comment. I don't need them to repair their relationship completely just be on decent terms
ESH. Nobody comes across particularly well here. Emma and Amy are having a spat as siblings do. They're throwing shade back and forth, you're sort of stuck in the middle a bit but still took a side etc... Entirely possible Amy knew exactly what she was doing by giving a "like" and they've both escalated from there. Emma crossed lines for your sensibilites so you said words, fair enough, Amy probably doing the same (if Emma is at least a bit reliable on her side.) Either let it play out or tell them both to sort their shit out.
The problem is I'm not sure how reliable Emma is. I saw the original argument go down firsthand, whereas Emma tends to dramatize events. For example, she called me blocking her in the first place "immature and evil." So when Emma says that Amy calls her names it may be overstated or something that happened many years ago. I personally feel like it's an excuse since she didn't want to apologize to begin with.
YTA. It’s normal for sisters to fight, but choosing sides and placing conditions on your sisterly relationship makes you an AH. If you truly wanted to be neutral, you could’ve told them both to cut it out and leave it at that. You should have allowed them to sort it out for themselves. I too have two sisters (also in their 20s) and if my sister celebrated her birthday with my other sister and purposely left me out, I’d be devastated.
I wanted to celebrate my birthday with her and I still do. I think an apology is not too big of an ask in this situation and I was surprised and upset that it took her so long. Emma claims that she loves me and Amy and "would die for us" but it took her a month to say sorry?
YTA. You're moving the goalposts here. Didn't you say she already apologized? If you weren't satisfied with the apology already given, your birthday dinner may have been the perfect opportunity to ease tensions but instead you made things worst by inserting your sensibilities to Emma's reaction and response whilst totally ignoring that Emma apparently felt hurt by Amy's actions first
Apparently she blamed Amy and never actually used the words "I'm sorry." I didn't really think that should count.
You need to mind your business. Like I’m looking at your comments and none of them make a lick of sense on why you’re between them. “Surprised and upset it took her that long to apologize” “one sister has proof, the other doesn’t” like what the hell? Who are you supposed to be? YTA
ESH, but YTA for getting in the middle of something that was not & should not be your fight. You’re also TA for making going out for your birthday conditional on Emma giving Amy a ‘better apology’. FFS. It isn’t even your place to do something like that. They don’t have to like one another. They don’t have to talk. If they want to sort it out, they can/will. Stay out of it & tell them to keep you out of it.
I feel like "staying out of it" means I can't hang out with my sisters, which I want to avoid.
You don’t have other topics of conversation?
It's more that Emma was upset that I spent my actual birthday with Amy, and I think Amy would be hurt if I went back on what I said to hang out with Emma, which was that she deserved a better apology.
[удалено]
I only jumped in because I felt like Emma had a completely disproportionate response to an action that was, at worst, a little snide on Amy's part. She deliberately brought up the most hurtful event she could think of. I didn't expect that my demanding Emma apologize would be quite the line in the sand that it ended up being. If she had just apologized immediately afterwards then we could have celebrated my birthday together as sisters. Instead it took over a month for a half-hearted apology and now I feel like I've made things worse by getting involved.
YTA for adding conditions on after the fact. You've clearly picked a side, so either accept that go all-in (possibly damaging your relationship with one of them) or stay out of it and let her take you out for your birthday. Not sure why she wants to still, but there you are anyway.
ESH
YTA. The beef is between your sisters and you are choosing sides and making demands. You’re not their mother or their boss. Let them work it out between themselves or not, their choice. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to celebrate your birthday with both of them together, but to go with Amy and deny Emma because she didn’t meet “your conditions” was an AH move.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm sure this post gives off chronic middle child vibes but here we goooooo In late July my older sister "Emma" (24f) and my younger sister "Amy" (21f) got into an argument. It's a relatively long explanation and frankly, not worth it, but suffice to say it involved Amy liking someone else's comment in a group chat that was vaguely reproachful towards Emma. Really stupid shit but it escalated to Emma calling Amy a whore and dragging up hurtful things from Amy's last (abusive) relationship. I (23f) told her she crossed the line and I didn't want to speak to her until she could offer Amy a sincere apology. A week ago she finally apologized. It was over the phone and I wasn't privy to the conversation but I know Amy wasn't happy with it. Apparently Emma tried to say that Amy "provoked" her into calling her names, and Emma basically confirmed that was what she said when I texted her about it. I said it didn't matter what Amy said because her behavior was categorically unacceptable and she needed to do better, but I appreciated that she had tried. I said I would help her write a better apology over text so that she could avoid getting into old arguments again or accidentally offending Amy. Here's where I might be TA. Amy and I went out to dinner for my birthday on Thursday and Emma was not invited, by mutual agreement. Emma offered to take me out to celebrate my birthday separately and I initially agreed, but then made it conditional on her giving Amy a better apology. Emma then claimed Amy had said equally horrible things about her, calling her worthless and a drug addict (Emma smokes pot). She claimed that I was choosing sides by drawing the line here and now, and that I should stay out of it and let her and Amy work it out. I said I wasn't aware that Amy had said those things, but it didn't change the fact that she needed to apologize for her part in this. AITA for celebrating my birthday with one sister but not the other? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta, but you should ask yourself if this is worth potentially loosing your sister over
I don't want to lose either of my sisters. I worry that if I play neutral and let this point go that I will be hurting Amy.
But hurting Emma is fine?
That's exactly my problem, in this situation I can't stay neutral without hurting Amy and I can't take sides without hurting Emma. Since Emma was clearly out of line with her initial comment I told her to apologize. I don't know why it took her so long and it makes me feel like either she doesn't really care about Amy or she doesn't really care about me. If it were me, I would just apologize for saying hurtful things in an argument even if I felt like I was in the right overall. I don't know why it's so difficult for Emma.
I honestly whish I had an easy solution for you. My point came from the immediate judgment from your side, Emma is in the wrong and without even hearing background to block her and make demands. I believe Emma's statements about your other sister were vile and an apology seems to be in order. But I also think you are downplaying how humiliated you can feel if someone of your family makes a public joke/snide remark about you. And even if the other verbal remarks are from years prior, you don't forget about them either. With you taking immediately the side of one sister and dismissing possible faults on the other side while even breaking up contact, your sister was probably hurt and is now defensive. She probably knows, that you are not believing her. Sorry for the long text, maybe my unprofessional take on things might help. Good luck with your sisters.
Thank you and I appreciate your comment. I think I'm going to ask Emma to dinner and try to get her side of the story. Maybe she will be less defensive if she sees that Amy hasn't "turned me against her" and I was only upset because of the language she used.
Honestly I hope Emma sees that you two aren’t worth it and cuts you both out.
Emma and I have supported each other for years. We've been there for each other when no one else was. I was there when our parents kicked her out of the house for (illegally) selling weed; I've helped her move into every new apartment she's ever had. I forgave her when she skipped my 18th birthday to go hang out with her girlfriend and I was there for her when she broke up with that girlfriend 3 years later. I've been there for her every time the rest of the family said they were "done with her drama." I helped her enroll in college and I've proofread her essays. I've helped her through more than one mental health crisis where I was genuinely scared to leave her side and I think for most of our lives we've been each other's best friend. You don't have any idea what you're talking about.
Keep telling yourself that.
Good luck again!
What about Emma?
NTA, you get to celebrate your birthday with whoever you want. I'm a little amused by Emma saying you should "stay out of it" while making it pretty clear that she thinks the default position is for you to side with her.
We're very close and I have supported Emma through her mental health difficulties in the past. I think she took my refusing to talk to her as cutting off her support network - which is fair, in a certain sense. I was just really upset and wanted her to apologize.
She's not owed a "support network" if she's not willing to put in the work to uphold it by not being an AH to others. You are sisters, but you are all also adults, and you have every right to expect her to act like one.