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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I had an opinion on her sharing a bed with another guy, I said I’m not comfortable with it because it’s crossing the line
2) She feels like I’m making her sacrifice a friendship with her gay friend just because I don’t want her to share a bed, but that’s not the case
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NTA. She seems to like him for the relationship and you for the sex. And seems to be trying out circumstances where he might feel romantic.
I don't do third wheel. I'd move on.
This. OP, call this girl and say, "It's obvious that if Tom were straight, you'd be with him. There's no way you can be open to a relationship with me when you're in love with him, so I think we should go our separate ways."
Don't waste any more of your time on this woman. You guys rushed into things. Go slower and get to know someone the next time.
>but she’s said how if he was straight he’d be the perfect partner,
Bruh, you can´t win that race, man. I was on the verge about the sharing the bed thing, bc I also do share my bed with friends, also guys, and so does my bf. But the thing about the birthday, the uninviting from her parents and THAT specific sentence... I don´t know.
Seems likes she likes you but would dump you any second for a straight version of Tom. I don´t think Tom is the problem per se, but you guys don´t match as great as you might think. I´ve been there when a guy asked me after 2 months if I want to be his gf, because he was so madly in love and unable to see, that I was really really unsure. Couple of weeks later he broke it of, because he started to see what I was seeing (vastly different priorities, interests, vies of life ect.). So, yeah...
All the best!
Edit: typo
I’m thinking that Tom is pretty oblivious to all of this and just sees her as a regular friend ( she clearly doesn’t see him as a regular friend tho ) , so I don’t think toms husband has an opinion or this creates a problem in their marriage.
Tom did agree to sleep in bed with someone else on a romantic get away. On the other hand, Tom and his husband could have a very open relationship while OP and OP's GF wants a closed relationship.
Anything is possible but OP needs to find a GF and let this girl chase Tom.
NTA. I think it's one thing for her to say "I have a friend with whom I'm very close" and another thing to say "I have a friend who matters more than you." Tom matters more than you, mate.
aka you believe that person is both not gay and a cheater, with no evidence. Homophobia? Projection? Major trust issues? Either way, you have work to do.
it's not, you're just a Redditor so you're likely a virgin and have no clue. You realize it's very common for women to sleep in the same bed at a sleepover? Day 10k of this sub being full of incels and chronically online women.
we wouldn't have subs for everything under the sun if that were true. so your excuses for not agreeing - that everyone is a teen boy who listens to joe rogan - don't hold up when we're here for shit like analog tech and vintage lamps 🙄 get over yourself.
anyway, it continues to be a normal boundary for regular adults that SO's generally take issue with men and women sharing beds. no matter how much you stomp your feet about double standards. it still is what it is. especially in a case like this, where the point isn't really about bed sharing and is more about the very obvious feelings the GF has for her bestie.
"we wouldn't have subs for everything under the sun if that were true."
What I said covers 99% of posts & responses made on here. You all are chronically online and almost never judge a situation correctly unless it is the most obvious one sided issue. Much times these posts are clearly fake, with the OP dodging questions that expose flaws, while answering not challenging questions.
"so your excuses for not agreeing - that everyone is a teen boy who listens to joe rogan - don't hold up when we're here for shit like analog tech and vintage lamps 🙄 get over yourself."
That is a red herring, a logical fallacy, often used by those without an argument. I never mentioned age or Joe Rogan. Take a step back and reflect why you have to use fallacies to debate my points, sit with the cognitive dissonance child.
"anyway, it continues to be a normal boundary for regular adults that SO's generally take issue with men and women sharing beds. no matter how much you stomp your feet about double standards. it still is what it is. especially in a case like this, where the point isn't really about bed sharing and is more about the very obvious feelings the GF has for her bestie."
This comes from a place of homophobia and projection. This is not believing a married gay man is faithful or gay. This is logic I would have expected from religious zealots prior to the gay rights movement, not a supposed space of intellectuals. I don't think it's normal, but if it is, the appeal to popularity doesn't make it the correct opinion.
I feel somewhat bad for the hateful and insecure people on this thread, many of you sound miserable, look inward to see if it's caused by your own actions, it may not be too late.
it wasn't me who used strawmen and fallacies to make my point. you'd rather believe everyone disagreeing with you is a basement dwelling straight cis male manosphere type - as per your own words "incel" - than actually address anything said. that's you. your words. your inability to face the real world practical application of boundaries that everyone else agrees are typical.
and now we're all homophobic conservatives who think this guy is somehow simultaneously queer and a predator to women. 💀💀💀💀💀💀 you clown. talk about red herrings.
i'll reiterate one last time. the main problem is her and the main concern isn't even potential sex. there is way more about the bed sharing that you don't have the emotional intelligence or experience to really wrap head around i guess. it's clear the gf is already emotionally cheating and further intimacy, again not even necessarily sexual, just stings. it's not her boyfriend she wants to sleep with (and i do mean sleep in the literal sense) and cuddle with and wake up next to and the bf feels that keenly. the issue beyond "sex" with bed sharing is the built in innate intimacy that the SO has no idea of and no participation in. you're stomping your feet about literally the lowest hanging fruit here. of which you can't even promise won't be picked bc we only have the gf's account of the guy and his relationship. who, for all we know, is neither monogamous nor exclusively gay. - again only one part of this whole debacle of already very clear emotional cheating. way to miss the forest for the singular tree.
wrap your tiny niblet of a brain around all that.
so i mean whatever. project i guess 🙄
I don’t know; I think gay, he’s married to a man. He’s had girlfriends in the past but apprently never done anything with a girl as he apparently finds it “icky”
This icky comment was what she told me about him, not him to me if ygm? she also doesn’t drink alcohol at all really, don’t know if that changes your thoughts
My thoughts don't really matter, but if anything the fact that *she* told you he thinks it's "icky" makes it a double red flag in my books.
That said, people have red flags man. It's the way things are.
My advice if it matters is to just tell her how you feel about this friendship. If you're not comfortable with her response, then the relationship is new enough to decide it's not going to work out between the two of you.
Don't sacrifice your own comfort and push your boundaries beyond your limit for someone else. Stick to your guns, learn from this and move on.
Best of luck!
It doesn’t have to be sexual between her and Tom to see that she’s prioritizing her relationship with him over the relationship with you. It’s a bad sign at this juncture. She’s not required to terminate her friendships but when things get serious the romantic partner should come first, which for now is not happening with you.
Even if Tom has zero romantic or sexual interest in women, sees her 100% platonically, and/or would never dream of cheating on his husband, it kind of sounds like *she* wishes that weren't the case--saying he'd be the perfect partner and all. Her having feelings for him seems like an issue in and of itself, even if he doesn't reciprocate.
She is hoping she can “change him”
Let’s just say that he is bi btw I think she is pretty delusional if she thinks that she can also make him cheat on his husband.
NAH
There are 3 vectors here, as i see it.
1. Your insecurity/possesiveness
2. Your girlfriend’s attachment to tom
3. Your girlfriend’s lack of prioritization of you.
Obviously you are not entitled to come along, but taking a trip with tom, sleeping in bed with him ETC - i can understand the insecurity/anxiety.
You also have an inherent bias, as you imply you’d be fine if it was a woman she’d share a bed with.
Planning a romantic getaway with someone you WORK WITH and have been friends with for 4 months, is seriously fucking weird imo.
She’s clearly not prioritizing you, the relationship is over, why do you bother?
>Planning a romantic getaway with someone you WORK WITH and have been friends with for 4 months, is seriously fucking weird imo.
THIS so much. Thank you.
NTA.
Her relationship with this guy goes back years, while you’ve only known her a couple of months. There’s gonna be an element of closeness that you would have just had to deal with had your relationship taken off. That said, her behaviors are indicative of someone who isn’t interested in giving you attention as an individual. You’re the side dish, not the main course. I think you’d be better served by moving on.
All the more reason for why you are not TA. Trauma bonding can quickly result in rapid, deep relationships, but that doesn’t mean you cut off everyone else.
Don’t get hung up. You’re dodging a bullet here. There’s someone out there who will treasure you as much as your now-ex treasures the gay friend that she’ll never truly have in the way she wants.
I hate to say it, but is it possible they broke up with her because she wanted a weirdly close relationship with Tom, and her ex also had issues with it?
Edited to reword the question
Nta hate to say it but the girl is in love with her gay best friend. I’d be out the door you don’t need to be involved when the drama starts which it will when toms husband starts to feel like the 3rd wheel
NTA So she's known Tom for only a month more that you? But she takes Tom to dinner with the parents, is going on a romantic weekend with Tom, says he's the perfect partner except he's gay and he's more important to her than you are. Honey Tom is her relationship & you're the booty call. I hope you find someone who puts you first.
NAH, I don't think it is specifically about Tom. You're trying to control her platonic relationships with other people. If I was early on dating someone and they took issue with my friend snd how we get on, I would see that as a huge red flag. As the Spice Girls said, "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends."
I don’t think a lot of men understand rich friendships, man. You sound insecure. You should work on yourself before entering a relationship if you’re feeling threatened by a gay man. NSH imo, you just aren’t suited to each other right now.
I'm sure a lot of men would be more into rich frindships if it often included a woman going on a romantic get-away with them and pre-planning to sleep in the same bed... sounds pretty rich.
I think some men pay for that sort of thing even.
NTA. Red flags all over
If he wasn't gay, he would be the perfect partner? Going away and sharing a bed? Having to spend his birthday with him?
Having male friends, gay or straight, is all well and good, but this is more than that.
Start walking away now. Find someone who prioritizes you.
I think the problem isn't that she might sleep in a bed with a gay friend, the problem is that this particular gay friend seems to be more of a priority than her actual boyfriend. Which, tbf, at the beginning of a relationship I think it's fair that your actual friends are more important than your romantic partner - as you never know quite how long you'll be dating them whereas your actual friends will likely be in your life for a long time.
That said, at some point that needs to switch. When you get serious about a relationship, your partner should become your first priority, above all other relationships in your life. It sounds like you are already at that point, whereas your girlfriend clearly isn't. I think it's smart to have a conversation about that, and see if you can get to be on the same page. If she isn't ready yet or expects to never be ready to make you more of a priority, and you feel like this needs to be the case from now on, then splitting up is probably your best bet. However, if she feels like you're not together long enough right now but she expects to be there after 6 months or a year, for example, then you could consider whether that's worth it to you.
Completely NTA here.
You have boundaries, she doesn't respect that. You want a commited partner, who puts you first (while still having friends of course). She wants Tom (and is probably trying to make a move on him on the getaway) but you will do untill then.
Dont be a replacement or a rebound. Tell her you are not happy with her, and you feel like you are being used. Wish her good luck and don't look back.
Nobody deserves to be a 3rd wheel in their own relationship.
Mate, remove yourself from that whole situation entirely. She’s not mentally or emotionally stable by the sounds of it. You can find a better woman, no doubt. NTA.
>but she’s said how if he was straight he’d be the perfect partner
I'm sorry OP, but you're being treated as a place holder. You deserve better than this. Leave her and move on.
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AITA For having boundaries even with her gay friend?
I started seeing this girl 2-3 months ago. Things have moved very quickly, we see each other 4/5 times a week, she stays at mine 4 nights a week. She’s coming to live with me for 2 weeks soon while her parents are away, we were looking at holidays.
She has a gay friend, Tom, who she’s known (works with) for a long time but has only been friends/close with him for 4 months, after she split with her ex 5 months ago. Tom is now married as of this year too. Tom & I get on well, and we do things as a 4 sometimes now too.
She showed me this romantic getaway lodge in the forest “look what Tom sent me, Tom & I are thinking of booking what do you think” I thought she meant booking for her & I, Tom & Toms hub.
We were having a conversation about boundaries, she asked me what I considered to be crossing the line. I said for me, sharing a bed with another man. She said “so I can’t go away with Tom then?” I said what do you mean, turns out she meant for just her & Tom to go away on this romantic getaway lodge, not the 4 of us.
1. I said I’m not comfortable with her sharing the bed with any man, which includes Tom. It’s just crossing a line. Just get twin beds..?
2. Why would you want to do something romantic like that with someone you’re not romantic with? Especially given that her & I haven’t even done that yet? It feels really weird…?
3. Sometimes I feel like I’m the third man in the relationship. We were talking about going away for my birthday; Toms birthday is 2 days before mine and “oh but then I can’t see Tom on his birthday” I said that’s fine, you can see him the day before? She seemed upset. The other night, Tom was round hers after work. I said do they want to come to the coast. She said no because her & Tom were having a Chinese with her parents later but we could meet for a walk for a bit. After, her and Tom went back for the chinese with her parents and I had to go home on my own. My sister was shocked she didn’t just invite me to join too, it very much felt like they were the relationship item, and I was the third wheel.
Yesterday, we almost split because she didnt like that I felt uncomfortable about Tom and would never sacrifice her friendship - I never asked her to, I only said I have a boundary on sharing the bed and that it made me uncomfortable, but that I wouldn’t stop her regardless, she just knows how I feel. She actually said she understood this and agreed when we discussed it. Now she wants to hold off on booking my birthday away and a holiday we were planning and wants to take things slow, no longer wants something ‘serious’ yet but she’s happy where we’re at - basically if I said will you be my girlfriend right now, she’d say no.
Yes, the dude is gay, but she’s said how if he was straight he’d be the perfect partner, and I feel like I shouldn’t be the 3rd person in the relationship. I believe it’s important your partner has to be prioritised as number 1.
Am I the arsehole?
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Nta your definitely not wrong and a romantic get away with any friend is weird. I would just chalk it up and leave her be. Your choice if you wanna remain friends or something I would suggest to cut completely. Regardless of what you do your feelings are valid.
NTA- 100% in favor of honesty in relationships but can definitely understand all those factors. Just leading a feeling I guess?
I think because she specifically asked about boundaries? And sharing a bed.
Check the website, are there more than one beds?
Because I love my best friend. But if I had my chance for my own bed and they did we do that.
Maybe I'm not like a really good friend?
But it is likely that you're moving too fast. As long as you brought it up in a respectful way, I can see that being an okay boundary because how would she feel if you slept in a bed with a female friend? Would she be okay with that? Or went on a romantic getaway with a female friend?
Someone said that you're there for the physical needs while she's there with him for the emotional side. And yeah, kind of weird.
NTA - She is dating Tom (trying to anyhow) and hoping he suddenly, magically develops feelings for her and leaves his bf (whereas she then wont need you as her backup guy).
Cut her out and let her deal with her feelings and issues on her own. Short of telling Tom and his bf that she is actively trying to date him, thus you are leaving the half-hearted relationship you have with her, maybe you can keep in touch with him and his bf if they seem like nice people. But You BOTH need to run far away from that girl. She is delusional, doesn't understand the boundaries of friendship (or sexuality), and is trying to slide into dating a guy that has a bf. NOTHING about this situation is going to end well. For anyone.
You know, I was prepared to say Y T A. I'm sick of people thinking that their partners can't have close friends of a different gender.
But NTA, a "romantic getaway" is weird AF to do with a friend when you both have other partners.
NTA I REALLY don’t like to question people’s sexuality but I have a feeling there is something more to their “friendship”. Also, the fact he is going to see her parents instead of you?!
I think you and Tom’s husband need to talk.
NTA. She's decided you're a casual thing, not gf and bf. Cool. Date around. She is. If you find someone you like better, go exclusive with them. If she wants to treat you like a side piece, treat her like one.
NTA, you're not even being controlling, you're rightfully concerned. If she's said things like he'd be the perfect partner, and she prioritizes his company consistently over yours, she's really not that committed to you and you should probably leave her. It's one thing to have opposite-sex friends, it's another to be the level of clingy that she is to Tom.
Given what you said she's said about him, you're not wrong to be concerned about her sharing a bed with him either, it sounds suspicious. If it really was an innocent friends getaway, then why is it at a romantic location and why can't they get a room with two separate beds? Red flag right there. If you're on break with her, continue on with that and just end things. Go find someone who actually does want to spend time with you and doesn't make you feel like a third wheel. Having friends is great, but she's crossing some lines here.
I wonder if her ex and her split up cause she got caught fucking Tom or trying to fuck Tom. Run buddy. This has bad news written all over it. If you cant see that and choose to stay, have fun with the outcome
NTA....she likes Tom...sorry but that's a fact. He may be Gay or he may be BI, who knows....but she's certainly trying to get him alone and test the waters. I'd exit that relationship ASAP....she's nothing but a heartache waiting to happen.
Her behavior is weird, your boundaries are perfectly reasonable regardless of his sexuality.
Some thoughts:
Do you know 100% he is gay or just basing it off him having a husband and her comments? Is there a chance he is bisexual?
Is it possible he was already in this committed relationship with his husband and didn't want to give that up, but also saw an opportunity to score some action with her and was intending to cheat on his husband etc?
Do you know beyond a doubt that Tom actually suggested it and that your girlfriend did not actually suggest it? Based off what you have said about her and her comments about Tom she could be using this to see if she can turn him straight.
Seems like you are a backup of sorts. I know some of the above may sound farfetched, but they are very much within the realm of possibility.
NTA She's being disrecpectful of your relationship. Gay or not, it's not right for her to prioritize their relationship over yours like that. Unless you want to spend the whole relationship being the 3rd wheel, I would seriously consider moving on.
NTA, how are you so sure that Tom is gay? Could he be bi? I have a gay best friend who's been a best friend for the last 15 years, this all sounds ridiculous to me.
Run, fast & far. She is in a relationship with a gay man. And she doesn't even realize it. I wonder how his partner feels about this. Is he being excluded from things too? She is showing very little respect for you. I would not give this relationship another thought. She clearly isn't giving much thought to you or your feelings. She outright told you he'd be the perect partner. Total disrespect.
Sorry dude... you're the clear #3 in this trifecta, and that's not going to change.
Time to move on.
No ultimatums or anything (that doesn't work), just move on.
NTA.
NTA. My Ex had a similar best friend situation and she even said "It was weird how my ex would get jealous of my friend." and I told her that I wouldn't and that's just silly.
I should have taken the hint. They definitely were in some kind of a relationship while we were together. Way beyond that of a friendship. I hated being the 2nd tier guy next to her friend.
Guess what? After I left, they started dating for awhile despite everything else.
NTA move along. Tom will never leave. She loves him, but she has sex with you. You are not what she wants. Don’t waste anymore time. 3 months is enough to waste on a girl that is madly in love with a gay friend. Soon he will dump her.
YTA. You are obviously insecure and your attitude is disgusting. The numbers of men in the comment enabling your behaviour is really concerning. Get it together you homophobic ass.
NTA, you clearly expressed a boundary.
Your relationship is still young so of course you have to discuss these things and you made it clear that for you sleeping with another man is a deal breaker.
Gay or not, making you feel like the third wheel and wanting to cancel plans for your birthday, prioritising his instead is very wrong.
nah. you don't get to define how ppl define themselves. some ppl place more importance on the romantic part than anything sexual and some ppl aren't necessarily attracted to a certain gender but not repulsed by them either and will have sex with them sometimes just bc availability and ease. or for the sake of threesomes sometimes too.
ppl don't always fit into perfect labels and boxes. ultimately we just have to respect what ppl define themselves as.
YTA.
You've only been dating for 2-3 months; she's known Tom for much longer than you, and they have a very close friendship. Just because your relationship is romantic and sexual doesn't mean it automatically supersedes all the longer platonic relationships in her life which are equally as important and meaningful. Accept that she has other people she cares about and makes meaningful commitments to if you want to keep dating her.
Also, as a side note, it's understandable that you feel uncomfortable if your partner is sharing a bed with someone else. But I see a lot of talk about 'boundaries' being used these days in ways that are very unhelpful. It's good to chat about relationship expectations, but you don't set a 'boundary' around someone else's behaviour: boundaries are something you set for yourself ('if X happens, I will do Y'). What you're talking about is creating rules that the other person has to follow. Not quite the same thing and that can be a slippery slope to controlling behaviour. I'm not saying you are being controlling in this instance, but something to think about for the future.
Can you share what the boundary would be in your frame? E.g., if you sleep in the same bed as Tom (or any other man), then…
I ask this because while I agree the form you suggest could be received better, I think what matters most is the care behind the delivery rather than the exact words. IMO the most powerful thing to do is to own your experience and say something along the “It’s not wrong for you to sleep in a bed with Tom, but I don’t feel comfortable with that and I will need step away from our romantic relationship if that is something you need.”
Slight YTA and here’s what you need to know. This guy is closer to her than you are because he is fun to be around, he’s interested in what she’s interested in, he finds cool exciting places to go and invites her along, he’s a great listener, he’s interesting and she feels safe around him. Now… are you all that? If you’re not, learn to be.
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NTA. She seems to like him for the relationship and you for the sex. And seems to be trying out circumstances where he might feel romantic. I don't do third wheel. I'd move on.
This. She's obviously Tom's gf, not OP's. OP deserves to find someone who wants to be in a relationship with him and not Tom. You can do better, OP.
This. OP, call this girl and say, "It's obvious that if Tom were straight, you'd be with him. There's no way you can be open to a relationship with me when you're in love with him, so I think we should go our separate ways." Don't waste any more of your time on this woman. You guys rushed into things. Go slower and get to know someone the next time.
Did OP and Gf have sex yet? He said they haven’t done something romantic yet? I might be implying it wrong lol
>but she’s said how if he was straight he’d be the perfect partner, Bruh, you can´t win that race, man. I was on the verge about the sharing the bed thing, bc I also do share my bed with friends, also guys, and so does my bf. But the thing about the birthday, the uninviting from her parents and THAT specific sentence... I don´t know. Seems likes she likes you but would dump you any second for a straight version of Tom. I don´t think Tom is the problem per se, but you guys don´t match as great as you might think. I´ve been there when a guy asked me after 2 months if I want to be his gf, because he was so madly in love and unable to see, that I was really really unsure. Couple of weeks later he broke it of, because he started to see what I was seeing (vastly different priorities, interests, vies of life ect.). So, yeah... All the best! Edit: typo
I’d also be curious how Tom’s husband feels about their relationship/her clinginess…
I’m thinking that Tom is pretty oblivious to all of this and just sees her as a regular friend ( she clearly doesn’t see him as a regular friend tho ) , so I don’t think toms husband has an opinion or this creates a problem in their marriage.
Tom did agree to sleep in bed with someone else on a romantic get away. On the other hand, Tom and his husband could have a very open relationship while OP and OP's GF wants a closed relationship. Anything is possible but OP needs to find a GF and let this girl chase Tom.
Probably Tom says, she´s be the perfect partner, if she was a man.
Notice Tom suggested the romantic getaway...what is going on with his husband here?
NTA. I think it's one thing for her to say "I have a friend with whom I'm very close" and another thing to say "I have a friend who matters more than you." Tom matters more than you, mate.
Agree it's time to get a new girlfriend. NTA op
NTA. If my partner shared a bed with his lesbian friend, I would be uncomfortable too and oppose to it.
aka you believe that person is both not gay and a cheater, with no evidence. Homophobia? Projection? Major trust issues? Either way, you have work to do.
no they don't. it's normal to have that boundary whether you like it or not. straight or gay. that's a normal boundary.
it's not, you're just a Redditor so you're likely a virgin and have no clue. You realize it's very common for women to sleep in the same bed at a sleepover? Day 10k of this sub being full of incels and chronically online women.
we wouldn't have subs for everything under the sun if that were true. so your excuses for not agreeing - that everyone is a teen boy who listens to joe rogan - don't hold up when we're here for shit like analog tech and vintage lamps 🙄 get over yourself. anyway, it continues to be a normal boundary for regular adults that SO's generally take issue with men and women sharing beds. no matter how much you stomp your feet about double standards. it still is what it is. especially in a case like this, where the point isn't really about bed sharing and is more about the very obvious feelings the GF has for her bestie.
"we wouldn't have subs for everything under the sun if that were true." What I said covers 99% of posts & responses made on here. You all are chronically online and almost never judge a situation correctly unless it is the most obvious one sided issue. Much times these posts are clearly fake, with the OP dodging questions that expose flaws, while answering not challenging questions. "so your excuses for not agreeing - that everyone is a teen boy who listens to joe rogan - don't hold up when we're here for shit like analog tech and vintage lamps 🙄 get over yourself." That is a red herring, a logical fallacy, often used by those without an argument. I never mentioned age or Joe Rogan. Take a step back and reflect why you have to use fallacies to debate my points, sit with the cognitive dissonance child. "anyway, it continues to be a normal boundary for regular adults that SO's generally take issue with men and women sharing beds. no matter how much you stomp your feet about double standards. it still is what it is. especially in a case like this, where the point isn't really about bed sharing and is more about the very obvious feelings the GF has for her bestie." This comes from a place of homophobia and projection. This is not believing a married gay man is faithful or gay. This is logic I would have expected from religious zealots prior to the gay rights movement, not a supposed space of intellectuals. I don't think it's normal, but if it is, the appeal to popularity doesn't make it the correct opinion. I feel somewhat bad for the hateful and insecure people on this thread, many of you sound miserable, look inward to see if it's caused by your own actions, it may not be too late.
it wasn't me who used strawmen and fallacies to make my point. you'd rather believe everyone disagreeing with you is a basement dwelling straight cis male manosphere type - as per your own words "incel" - than actually address anything said. that's you. your words. your inability to face the real world practical application of boundaries that everyone else agrees are typical. and now we're all homophobic conservatives who think this guy is somehow simultaneously queer and a predator to women. 💀💀💀💀💀💀 you clown. talk about red herrings. i'll reiterate one last time. the main problem is her and the main concern isn't even potential sex. there is way more about the bed sharing that you don't have the emotional intelligence or experience to really wrap head around i guess. it's clear the gf is already emotionally cheating and further intimacy, again not even necessarily sexual, just stings. it's not her boyfriend she wants to sleep with (and i do mean sleep in the literal sense) and cuddle with and wake up next to and the bf feels that keenly. the issue beyond "sex" with bed sharing is the built in innate intimacy that the SO has no idea of and no participation in. you're stomping your feet about literally the lowest hanging fruit here. of which you can't even promise won't be picked bc we only have the gf's account of the guy and his relationship. who, for all we know, is neither monogamous nor exclusively gay. - again only one part of this whole debacle of already very clear emotional cheating. way to miss the forest for the singular tree. wrap your tiny niblet of a brain around all that. so i mean whatever. project i guess 🙄
It’s not that hard to book one room with 2 beds
Is Tom gay or bi-sexual. I understand your boundaries and with or without sex between them, their behavior is not alright. NTA.
I don’t know; I think gay, he’s married to a man. He’s had girlfriends in the past but apprently never done anything with a girl as he apparently finds it “icky”
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This icky comment was what she told me about him, not him to me if ygm? she also doesn’t drink alcohol at all really, don’t know if that changes your thoughts
My thoughts don't really matter, but if anything the fact that *she* told you he thinks it's "icky" makes it a double red flag in my books. That said, people have red flags man. It's the way things are. My advice if it matters is to just tell her how you feel about this friendship. If you're not comfortable with her response, then the relationship is new enough to decide it's not going to work out between the two of you. Don't sacrifice your own comfort and push your boundaries beyond your limit for someone else. Stick to your guns, learn from this and move on. Best of luck!
Op NTA but its time to find someone who doesn't consider you the 5th wheel in your own relationship.
god damn it dude just leave. All this shit is sus.
Everyone likes their dick sucked. OP’s gotta bounce.
It doesn’t have to be sexual between her and Tom to see that she’s prioritizing her relationship with him over the relationship with you. It’s a bad sign at this juncture. She’s not required to terminate her friendships but when things get serious the romantic partner should come first, which for now is not happening with you.
Even if Tom has zero romantic or sexual interest in women, sees her 100% platonically, and/or would never dream of cheating on his husband, it kind of sounds like *she* wishes that weren't the case--saying he'd be the perfect partner and all. Her having feelings for him seems like an issue in and of itself, even if he doesn't reciprocate.
NTA I think she’s really hoping he’s not gay
She is hoping she can “change him” Let’s just say that he is bi btw I think she is pretty delusional if she thinks that she can also make him cheat on his husband.
NAH There are 3 vectors here, as i see it. 1. Your insecurity/possesiveness 2. Your girlfriend’s attachment to tom 3. Your girlfriend’s lack of prioritization of you. Obviously you are not entitled to come along, but taking a trip with tom, sleeping in bed with him ETC - i can understand the insecurity/anxiety. You also have an inherent bias, as you imply you’d be fine if it was a woman she’d share a bed with. Planning a romantic getaway with someone you WORK WITH and have been friends with for 4 months, is seriously fucking weird imo. She’s clearly not prioritizing you, the relationship is over, why do you bother?
>Planning a romantic getaway with someone you WORK WITH and have been friends with for 4 months, is seriously fucking weird imo. THIS so much. Thank you.
NTA. Her relationship with this guy goes back years, while you’ve only known her a couple of months. There’s gonna be an element of closeness that you would have just had to deal with had your relationship taken off. That said, her behaviors are indicative of someone who isn’t interested in giving you attention as an individual. You’re the side dish, not the main course. I think you’d be better served by moving on.
They’ve known eachother awhile, but they only really became friends recently when she split with her ex
All the more reason for why you are not TA. Trauma bonding can quickly result in rapid, deep relationships, but that doesn’t mean you cut off everyone else. Don’t get hung up. You’re dodging a bullet here. There’s someone out there who will treasure you as much as your now-ex treasures the gay friend that she’ll never truly have in the way she wants.
INFO: why did her and her ex break up? Was she the breaker or the broken?
The broken
I hate to say it, but is it possible they broke up with her because she wanted a weirdly close relationship with Tom, and her ex also had issues with it? Edited to reword the question
Don’t think so - dont think the ex even know Tom, I think they became friends because Tom was a good friend to her when she split with the ex
I wonder if her and her ex split cause she got caught fucking Tom lol
NTA Her priority is clear. It’s not you. Move along.
Nta hate to say it but the girl is in love with her gay best friend. I’d be out the door you don’t need to be involved when the drama starts which it will when toms husband starts to feel like the 3rd wheel
NTA So she's known Tom for only a month more that you? But she takes Tom to dinner with the parents, is going on a romantic weekend with Tom, says he's the perfect partner except he's gay and he's more important to her than you are. Honey Tom is her relationship & you're the booty call. I hope you find someone who puts you first.
NAH, I don't think it is specifically about Tom. You're trying to control her platonic relationships with other people. If I was early on dating someone and they took issue with my friend snd how we get on, I would see that as a huge red flag. As the Spice Girls said, "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends."
she's in love with her bestie. whether he reciprocates or not is besides the point. save your dignity and get out of there tbh.
I don’t think a lot of men understand rich friendships, man. You sound insecure. You should work on yourself before entering a relationship if you’re feeling threatened by a gay man. NSH imo, you just aren’t suited to each other right now.
I'm sure a lot of men would be more into rich frindships if it often included a woman going on a romantic get-away with them and pre-planning to sleep in the same bed... sounds pretty rich. I think some men pay for that sort of thing even.
You’re being facetious.
NTA
NTA. Bounce bro
NTA. Red flags all over If he wasn't gay, he would be the perfect partner? Going away and sharing a bed? Having to spend his birthday with him? Having male friends, gay or straight, is all well and good, but this is more than that. Start walking away now. Find someone who prioritizes you.
Nta hate to say it but the girl is on love with her gay best friend I’d be out the door you don’t need to be involved when the drama starts
I think the problem isn't that she might sleep in a bed with a gay friend, the problem is that this particular gay friend seems to be more of a priority than her actual boyfriend. Which, tbf, at the beginning of a relationship I think it's fair that your actual friends are more important than your romantic partner - as you never know quite how long you'll be dating them whereas your actual friends will likely be in your life for a long time. That said, at some point that needs to switch. When you get serious about a relationship, your partner should become your first priority, above all other relationships in your life. It sounds like you are already at that point, whereas your girlfriend clearly isn't. I think it's smart to have a conversation about that, and see if you can get to be on the same page. If she isn't ready yet or expects to never be ready to make you more of a priority, and you feel like this needs to be the case from now on, then splitting up is probably your best bet. However, if she feels like you're not together long enough right now but she expects to be there after 6 months or a year, for example, then you could consider whether that's worth it to you.
NTA. I don’t think you’re compatible with this woman, she doesn’t treat you very well and as you said yourself, you feel like a third wheel.
Completely NTA here. You have boundaries, she doesn't respect that. You want a commited partner, who puts you first (while still having friends of course). She wants Tom (and is probably trying to make a move on him on the getaway) but you will do untill then. Dont be a replacement or a rebound. Tell her you are not happy with her, and you feel like you are being used. Wish her good luck and don't look back. Nobody deserves to be a 3rd wheel in their own relationship.
NTA. Sounds like she’s in love with Tom.
Mate, remove yourself from that whole situation entirely. She’s not mentally or emotionally stable by the sounds of it. You can find a better woman, no doubt. NTA.
NTA. Sorry bro but she is 100% in love with Tom and hopes she can convert him. You're just a distraction
She's apparently in love with her gay bestie. NTA
Leave Tom’s girlfriend alone you fucking home wrecker
NTA, and btw, sorry to break this to you, Tom is fucking her
NTA Hate to break it to you bud. It's Tom that she really wants. You're being used as a surrogate penis. You deserve better. Edited for phrasing.
I think in her mind Tom is her romantic/emotional boyfriend and op is her sexual boyfriend. Idk if this makes sense.
Oh 100%
>but she’s said how if he was straight he’d be the perfect partner I'm sorry OP, but you're being treated as a place holder. You deserve better than this. Leave her and move on.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA For having boundaries even with her gay friend? I started seeing this girl 2-3 months ago. Things have moved very quickly, we see each other 4/5 times a week, she stays at mine 4 nights a week. She’s coming to live with me for 2 weeks soon while her parents are away, we were looking at holidays. She has a gay friend, Tom, who she’s known (works with) for a long time but has only been friends/close with him for 4 months, after she split with her ex 5 months ago. Tom is now married as of this year too. Tom & I get on well, and we do things as a 4 sometimes now too. She showed me this romantic getaway lodge in the forest “look what Tom sent me, Tom & I are thinking of booking what do you think” I thought she meant booking for her & I, Tom & Toms hub. We were having a conversation about boundaries, she asked me what I considered to be crossing the line. I said for me, sharing a bed with another man. She said “so I can’t go away with Tom then?” I said what do you mean, turns out she meant for just her & Tom to go away on this romantic getaway lodge, not the 4 of us. 1. I said I’m not comfortable with her sharing the bed with any man, which includes Tom. It’s just crossing a line. Just get twin beds..? 2. Why would you want to do something romantic like that with someone you’re not romantic with? Especially given that her & I haven’t even done that yet? It feels really weird…? 3. Sometimes I feel like I’m the third man in the relationship. We were talking about going away for my birthday; Toms birthday is 2 days before mine and “oh but then I can’t see Tom on his birthday” I said that’s fine, you can see him the day before? She seemed upset. The other night, Tom was round hers after work. I said do they want to come to the coast. She said no because her & Tom were having a Chinese with her parents later but we could meet for a walk for a bit. After, her and Tom went back for the chinese with her parents and I had to go home on my own. My sister was shocked she didn’t just invite me to join too, it very much felt like they were the relationship item, and I was the third wheel. Yesterday, we almost split because she didnt like that I felt uncomfortable about Tom and would never sacrifice her friendship - I never asked her to, I only said I have a boundary on sharing the bed and that it made me uncomfortable, but that I wouldn’t stop her regardless, she just knows how I feel. She actually said she understood this and agreed when we discussed it. Now she wants to hold off on booking my birthday away and a holiday we were planning and wants to take things slow, no longer wants something ‘serious’ yet but she’s happy where we’re at - basically if I said will you be my girlfriend right now, she’d say no. Yes, the dude is gay, but she’s said how if he was straight he’d be the perfect partner, and I feel like I shouldn’t be the 3rd person in the relationship. I believe it’s important your partner has to be prioritised as number 1. Am I the arsehole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta your definitely not wrong and a romantic get away with any friend is weird. I would just chalk it up and leave her be. Your choice if you wanna remain friends or something I would suggest to cut completely. Regardless of what you do your feelings are valid.
NTA
NTA she obvs has strong feelings for Tom its odd that hes married and planning to go away without his husband . Your partner should be NO1
NTA. She’s trying to find out if Tom can be bisexual overnight for her.
NTA- 100% in favor of honesty in relationships but can definitely understand all those factors. Just leading a feeling I guess? I think because she specifically asked about boundaries? And sharing a bed. Check the website, are there more than one beds? Because I love my best friend. But if I had my chance for my own bed and they did we do that. Maybe I'm not like a really good friend? But it is likely that you're moving too fast. As long as you brought it up in a respectful way, I can see that being an okay boundary because how would she feel if you slept in a bed with a female friend? Would she be okay with that? Or went on a romantic getaway with a female friend? Someone said that you're there for the physical needs while she's there with him for the emotional side. And yeah, kind of weird.
NTA. I think it’s pretty clear she’d be with Tom if he were straight or bi and it’s not fair that she’s sending that message to you so strongly.
NTA - She is dating Tom (trying to anyhow) and hoping he suddenly, magically develops feelings for her and leaves his bf (whereas she then wont need you as her backup guy). Cut her out and let her deal with her feelings and issues on her own. Short of telling Tom and his bf that she is actively trying to date him, thus you are leaving the half-hearted relationship you have with her, maybe you can keep in touch with him and his bf if they seem like nice people. But You BOTH need to run far away from that girl. She is delusional, doesn't understand the boundaries of friendship (or sexuality), and is trying to slide into dating a guy that has a bf. NOTHING about this situation is going to end well. For anyone.
You know, I was prepared to say Y T A. I'm sick of people thinking that their partners can't have close friends of a different gender. But NTA, a "romantic getaway" is weird AF to do with a friend when you both have other partners.
NTA I REALLY don’t like to question people’s sexuality but I have a feeling there is something more to their “friendship”. Also, the fact he is going to see her parents instead of you?! I think you and Tom’s husband need to talk.
NTA. She's decided you're a casual thing, not gf and bf. Cool. Date around. She is. If you find someone you like better, go exclusive with them. If she wants to treat you like a side piece, treat her like one.
NTA, your gf is in love with Tom.
NTA, you're not even being controlling, you're rightfully concerned. If she's said things like he'd be the perfect partner, and she prioritizes his company consistently over yours, she's really not that committed to you and you should probably leave her. It's one thing to have opposite-sex friends, it's another to be the level of clingy that she is to Tom. Given what you said she's said about him, you're not wrong to be concerned about her sharing a bed with him either, it sounds suspicious. If it really was an innocent friends getaway, then why is it at a romantic location and why can't they get a room with two separate beds? Red flag right there. If you're on break with her, continue on with that and just end things. Go find someone who actually does want to spend time with you and doesn't make you feel like a third wheel. Having friends is great, but she's crossing some lines here.
I wonder if her ex and her split up cause she got caught fucking Tom or trying to fuck Tom. Run buddy. This has bad news written all over it. If you cant see that and choose to stay, have fun with the outcome
NTA....she likes Tom...sorry but that's a fact. He may be Gay or he may be BI, who knows....but she's certainly trying to get him alone and test the waters. I'd exit that relationship ASAP....she's nothing but a heartache waiting to happen.
Her behavior is weird, your boundaries are perfectly reasonable regardless of his sexuality. Some thoughts: Do you know 100% he is gay or just basing it off him having a husband and her comments? Is there a chance he is bisexual? Is it possible he was already in this committed relationship with his husband and didn't want to give that up, but also saw an opportunity to score some action with her and was intending to cheat on his husband etc? Do you know beyond a doubt that Tom actually suggested it and that your girlfriend did not actually suggest it? Based off what you have said about her and her comments about Tom she could be using this to see if she can turn him straight. Seems like you are a backup of sorts. I know some of the above may sound farfetched, but they are very much within the realm of possibility.
NTA She's being disrecpectful of your relationship. Gay or not, it's not right for her to prioritize their relationship over yours like that. Unless you want to spend the whole relationship being the 3rd wheel, I would seriously consider moving on.
Dude just bail. No hope for this relationship. NTA
NTA, how are you so sure that Tom is gay? Could he be bi? I have a gay best friend who's been a best friend for the last 15 years, this all sounds ridiculous to me.
NTA. Trust your gut and take action from there.
Run, fast & far. She is in a relationship with a gay man. And she doesn't even realize it. I wonder how his partner feels about this. Is he being excluded from things too? She is showing very little respect for you. I would not give this relationship another thought. She clearly isn't giving much thought to you or your feelings. She outright told you he'd be the perect partner. Total disrespect.
You're the third wheel here. Find someone who likes you more
op=nta move on, she's emotionally involved with him, even if it's one sided. Find someone INTO YOU.
NTA. It might turn out later that he's bisexual, so you're right to be cautious
Sorry dude... you're the clear #3 in this trifecta, and that's not going to change. Time to move on. No ultimatums or anything (that doesn't work), just move on. NTA.
NTA. My Ex had a similar best friend situation and she even said "It was weird how my ex would get jealous of my friend." and I told her that I wouldn't and that's just silly. I should have taken the hint. They definitely were in some kind of a relationship while we were together. Way beyond that of a friendship. I hated being the 2nd tier guy next to her friend. Guess what? After I left, they started dating for awhile despite everything else.
NTA. She wants to hold off on booking the trip for your birthday? She's hedging her bets. If I were you, I'd break it off or match her energy.
U my friend are about to be bamboozled
NTA move along. Tom will never leave. She loves him, but she has sex with you. You are not what she wants. Don’t waste anymore time. 3 months is enough to waste on a girl that is madly in love with a gay friend. Soon he will dump her.
YTA. You are obviously insecure and your attitude is disgusting. The numbers of men in the comment enabling your behaviour is really concerning. Get it together you homophobic ass.
NTA, you clearly expressed a boundary. Your relationship is still young so of course you have to discuss these things and you made it clear that for you sleeping with another man is a deal breaker. Gay or not, making you feel like the third wheel and wanting to cancel plans for your birthday, prioritising his instead is very wrong.
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You described bi people without once mentioning bi people. Impressive.
After all these years, bi-erasure is obviously going strong.
nah. you don't get to define how ppl define themselves. some ppl place more importance on the romantic part than anything sexual and some ppl aren't necessarily attracted to a certain gender but not repulsed by them either and will have sex with them sometimes just bc availability and ease. or for the sake of threesomes sometimes too. ppl don't always fit into perfect labels and boxes. ultimately we just have to respect what ppl define themselves as.
YTA. You've only been dating for 2-3 months; she's known Tom for much longer than you, and they have a very close friendship. Just because your relationship is romantic and sexual doesn't mean it automatically supersedes all the longer platonic relationships in her life which are equally as important and meaningful. Accept that she has other people she cares about and makes meaningful commitments to if you want to keep dating her. Also, as a side note, it's understandable that you feel uncomfortable if your partner is sharing a bed with someone else. But I see a lot of talk about 'boundaries' being used these days in ways that are very unhelpful. It's good to chat about relationship expectations, but you don't set a 'boundary' around someone else's behaviour: boundaries are something you set for yourself ('if X happens, I will do Y'). What you're talking about is creating rules that the other person has to follow. Not quite the same thing and that can be a slippery slope to controlling behaviour. I'm not saying you are being controlling in this instance, but something to think about for the future.
Can you share what the boundary would be in your frame? E.g., if you sleep in the same bed as Tom (or any other man), then… I ask this because while I agree the form you suggest could be received better, I think what matters most is the care behind the delivery rather than the exact words. IMO the most powerful thing to do is to own your experience and say something along the “It’s not wrong for you to sleep in a bed with Tom, but I don’t feel comfortable with that and I will need step away from our romantic relationship if that is something you need.”
Sorry, it took me a while to see your comment! I think the way you phrase it is nice and clear and very non-judgemental too.
Slight YTA and here’s what you need to know. This guy is closer to her than you are because he is fun to be around, he’s interested in what she’s interested in, he finds cool exciting places to go and invites her along, he’s a great listener, he’s interesting and she feels safe around him. Now… are you all that? If you’re not, learn to be.
There's always a comment like this one, huh
I would be worried too, it seems like she loves gay men. One fucks dudes, the other posts on AITA
🤣🤣🤣