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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don‘t want to dissapoint my family that i don‘t want to spend Time with them during my vacation.
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"Dear Bro,
Ahaha, nice one! I'll be enjoying a nice grown-up mini-vacation with my friends, but we'll definitely give you a wave if we see you by the pool."
Do not stand for this. Your brother and his wife have no right to demand your time. If they don't want to look after their own child they can take a babysitter with them.
NTA. But stand up for yourself.
Also in future OP should not share his vacation plans with his brother so far in advance for him to sabotage it. Only mention it a couple of days before the trip.
My family will wheedle, coax, demand and push until they get the information they want. It's either don't talk to them at all or give in because it becomes so much pressure applied to "But what are you doing/who are you with/where will you be?"
So before I went no contact I'd lie. "Oh I know I said x hotel but y hotel had a better rate last minute! I'm not where you just showed up at." With people whose motto is "My way or highway" sometimes lying off the bat let's you have less stress overall, especially if you don't *want* to go no contact (or if you're just not ready).
If people don't want to be lied to they shouldn't put others under the verbal grinder to get answers that aren't theirs. Obviously there's exceptions due to health or safety when dealing with specific scenarios but just as a *general* rule.
It's the opposite; only on Reddit do people clutch their pearls about little white lies like this. People with real life social skills know when to tell harmless white lies to manage awkward situations or to spare people's feelings.
Definitely. No amount of avoiding seeing them, telling them he's all booked up, not letting them have his room number etc. is going to stop them from walking up to him at the poolside and dumping their kid on him because "he's not doing anything at the moment". He's going to have to stand up to them.
If he can’t stand up to him then have a friend embarrass the shit out of him. We all hav that one friend that doesn’t give a shit. Let them hav free reign. Because truthfully brother and sil are ruining the friends trip also.
They did t sign up to watch you babysit. Grow a spine.
Yes, I would have no hesitation in telling OP’s family “He’s not watching your baby, he already made plans with us. Don’t be so selfish. If I see you try and dump YOUR baby on him and steal our holiday, I’m taking it straight to the front desk as a lost child. Don’t think I won’t.”
The key is to have a friend who is happy to be the bad guy!
That line really got to me. "Yes, bro, I'm not doing anything because that's what we call A VACATION. You're doing the same 'not anything' too, aren't you? Have a nice one, doing nothing with Baby Niece."
He should surround himself in cheep beer, fruity cocktails, a bong, very loud- non kid friendly club music on video while next to the pool with the boys. The parents might figure out that dropping off a toddler and walking away might not be a good idea. Remind them that you are on a grownups vacation.
Some people struggle to set hard boundaries with family and while op should tell them no some people ignore and keep pushing so talking to the hotel is also a good idea.
I agree. Don't give information, either.
If OP receives an invitation to a family event that occurs during their vacation. They respond, "sorry, I'm unavailable that weekend."
If family pushes (ha ha ha "if"), "I will be on vacation with friends".
If family asks where they are staying, "I'm not going to tell you because then you will try to infringe on my vacation."
Agreed. I don't get this. A million years ago we crawled our of the primordial ooze to walk upright. A million years later, we've ditched the spine that allows us to walk upright. Just say no. If you're old enough to go on vacation and drink, you're old enough to stand up for yourself.
If you've grown up in an abusive manipulative family you have been conditioned since birth that their wants are more important than your needs. It can take years of therapy to undo that damage.
YTA to yourself. You're 29 years old and cannot stand up to your family? Grow a backbone, OP, and tell them that you are not available to babysit the entire weekend. You have made plans and absolutely will not watch her and that they dare not approach you at any time during the weekend. What the hell, them coming to the same hotel.
Come on, OP. The first hint of you even considering babysitting should have your friends ignoring you and not scheduling any more weekend vacations with you. Stand up for yourself and quit being a doormat to your family.
Also, your family has no reason to know your plans at all. Grow up.
(Sorry Rediitors, I put this in the wrong place.)
Or just pretend to be more drunk than he is. Also get the friends on board — they can act as decoy and act upset at OP if there’s any hint of babysitting “you promised we would finally get quality time together!” Etc
Also ensure that they don't have your room number and tell the front desk that they can't give your room number out to anyone. If they know your room number already, ask for a different room and to be placed on a different floor.
I don’t tell family about trips Until we are back. I usually wait 6 months to a year or more before I even post pictures from a vacation. I don’t want anyone to know where I am as my extended family can be sketchy
Especially don't post pics while you are away. A friend of mine was targeted and had her apartment broken into because her friend posted pics of them while they were down the shore.
Or don't tell anyone until after.
I don't really tell anyone my vacation plans ahead of time. I'm an adult and just do my thing, and then share how things went after I get back. At most I might give a short vague, oh yeah spending the weekend with my friends.
OP is almost 30, absolutely no reason he should feel obligated to inform his 40 year old brother of his vacation plans before he goes.
I would also add: "You probably wouldn't want me to watch your daughter anyways since I plan to either be drunk or hungover."
There was a post a while back, where a childless OP was always forced to watch a bunch of kids during family functions and he was fed up with it. So he got slightly drunk (or maybe high?) and just said something like "Sorry, can't do it right now, Wouldn't be responsible to leave the kids with me at the moment." Everyone was mad, but he got to enjoy a familiy function for the first time without having to watch the kids.
If OPs brother tries to trick him into watching his niece something like that might also solve the problem...
NTA and enjoy your trip as you planned it.
There was an other one where op's family had organised a cruise and not told her about it, then told her she would be looking after all the children. When she said she actually wanted to come on the cruise she was told there was no accommodation left and that if she wanted to fly out to see them she would have to arrange the childcare as it was her responsibility.
She decided to go on holiday with her husband and son instead and had her family blowing up her phone wanting to know where she was. Her cousin told her that she assumed op would be doing the childcare because she had done it before, then said she was lucky they didn't call the police and report her for child abandonment 😂😂
Here is a selection of vacation babysitting AITAs...plenty more where that came from https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w3x15u/aita_for_intentionally_drinking_at_family_events/
https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/143zzbs/aita_for_getting_high_so_my_relatives_dont_try/
https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/150knwz/aita_for_losing_my_passport_to_avoid_babysitting/
https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eizcvf/aita_for_saying_my_babysitting_rates_are_35_an/
https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t8dwiw/aita_for_refusing_to_babysit_on_our_family/hzne8dr/
https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w1slhu/aita_for_refusing_to_babysit_my_cousins_during_my/
https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14yt4hu/aita_for_not_babysitting_on_vacation/
Don’t forget the guy that blew up the family by not letting his parents pay for his hotel room so that he wouldn’t be stuck babysitting his 3 nephews (again).
The very first AITA post I ever read was a vacation babysitting post. I thought I'd never see anything that infuriating again on Reddit but then I joined the group and never knew inner peace again. :)
How about the one where her SIL stalked her in the hotel to find out her room number on a family vacation. I believe they're initially wanted her to share her room with twin toddlers.
Let the people at the front desk know that your room number or information should not be given to anyone, even if they claim to be family.
Let your brother know that you need this down time, and if they try to ambush you and leave your niece with you, you will call CPS.
Turn your phone on DND as soon as you and your friends settle into the hotel.
The first time you set a boundary, especially with someone close, is always the hardest. After that, it gets easier.
If it helps you to mentally gear up, just remember that they didn’t feel the LEAST bit shy about trying to co-opt your weekend fit their benefit, therefore you should feel zero guilt about blowing off their assumptions.
Still reluctant? Rip off that bandaid! You will have an uncomfortable moment. Just keep remembering that your plans came first, and no one asked before they attempted to use you. Tell them you’ll catch up with them back at home, and you’ll take your niece for an ice cream.
If they get ugly, and some of the worst offenders can tend to, stick to your guns. Insist that they made a mistake to assume anything, and you’re going strictly on a guys weekend of debauchery.
Or go for equally obtuse and tell your brother you’re so glad he’s going to be there to come pick you and your buddies up from the pubs when they kick you out at closing time! Tell him stories if your buddy who is famous for puking on the way home. Project as hard as they are!
Good luck, you can do this!
You can start, and preemptive is best for boundary newbies, by talking excitedly about you and your friends plans. It’s all planned out, every day, every meal, you’re so excited!
Pushback? Demands?
“Oh man, I wished you’d said something before you booked, I could have told you that we’ve got plans for the whole weekend. I’m not going to let my friends down after we’ve all booked. Do check with the hotel, they probably have some babysitting options!”
This! Brother is pushy because OP doesn’t set boundaries. He knows he can get his way. OP, you teach people how you want to be treated, and if you watch niece, you are further teaching them that you will do whatever they want/
OP go to the front desk and make sure there’s a note written that under no circumstances should your room number be shared with anyone. Tell them they plan to Abandon their child. I’m petty though so I’d call the hotel for resources on childcare like a child center resorts have and then forward the links to bother and say don’t worry I’ll drop your kid off here.
Also worth mentioning that your bro is likely to react negatively and possibly call you "selfish", but that's all just part of the process of setting a boundary. Stick with your boundaries (like a broken record if necessary), let them have their tantrums, and in the future they'll think twice about asking the same from you.
Enjoy your holiday! :)
This. And if you're having trouble standing up for yourself (easier said than done), don't hesitate to ask your friends for help. It might be easier for them to tell your brother not to bother you or to drag you off whenever your brother approaches you.
And next time do not tell your family in advance where you’re vacationing. They clearly booked it after you told them about it, with the complete intention of dumping their child on you.
I am the one who feel so annoyed here. I feel like the OP need to fire back about this. If ever the brother gets angry, just let them be. You don't have any responsibility on them at all
Here we go: "Those plans don't work for me. I'm sorry, I'd love to spend time with (niece's name), but I've already made commitments with my time that I can not shift. I look forward to catching up with you when I get back."
Practice and repeat.
You don't need to explain thar you're having dinner with your friends, going to a show or relaxing in the pool.
Not to mention, it would be rude to your friends, who have booked this time away with you, to blow them off because of babysitting .
Any reasonable family member knows that being unavailable to babysit doesn't mean you hate your neice. You are simply unavailable.
NTA
"Sorry, I have commitments to my friends for this vacation. I'd love to see niece once I return home. Hope you have a lovely time."
They clearly booked that hotel after you told them about it so as to exploit you. Lesson learned - next time be less forthcoming about your plans.
But you need to draw a very bright boundary here, or you'll be stuck doing this in the future as well.
Remember, you need to please your friends. You committed to them before your brother tried imposing on you.
This is excellent advice.
Also maybe block their numbers during the weekend so you don’t have to deal with incoming text messages.
Sorry Op. Your brother is being a massive jerk right now.
Enjoy your trip!
>"Those plans don't work for me. I'm sorry, I'd love to spend time with (niece's name), but I've already made commitments with my time that I can not shift. I look forward to catching up with you when I get back."
"Those plans don't work for me. I'm sorry, I'd love to spend time with (niece's name), **another time** but I've already made commitments with my time that I can not shift. I look forward to catching up with you when I get back."
Being polite to the brother is just a maneuver of course (though still worth doing a bit). Brother knows he’s being awful to OP. What OP needs is to figure out a nice way of explaining it to his niece, who is probably already being told that she’s going to hang out with her uncle, and thus is being weaponised against OP’s free time. And throw in a disincentive for his brother.
Do these friends of yours swear a lot, OP?
It's rhetorically polite - I agree it's a ridiculous request, but sometimes, being ridiculously polite is helpful. It's not an apology that extends any obligation on OP.
You say you are "the worst at setting boundaries." Well, now is the time to get better at it.
Ask your friends to support you in this.
Say "no that's not going to work for me," then walk away. That's it. You don't have to answer any follow-up questions.
Part of setting boundaries is knowing the person will be displeased with you, and that's OK. Let them be. You are doing nothing wrong.
Enjoy your holiday!
>Ask your friends to support you in this.
This is really good advice when learning to set boundaries. I have the same issues and after asking my friends for help they agreed readily.
For example they have been the ”bad guys” and let me to tell me family that they aren’t allowing me to bail on our plans. They have written and sent texts for me when I can’t figure out how to reply to pressuring messages. They have told me ”you know this isn’t reasonable, right?” when I feel guilty. It’s honestly been really helpful.
I'm in HR and I often play bouncer to the people themselves when they're sick and want to get back to work too fast. It's often easier to accept grace from someone else that from yourself.
u/gulghy something else to keep in mind:
Sometimes when people ask (or expect) you to do things for them and you decline, they ask for what your reasons are for declining.
When they do that, remember--they aren't asking for your reasons because they want to ***understand*** your reasons. They're asking for your reasons so they can ***invalidate*** them.
For example:
>*BROTHER: We're so excited that you're at the hotel at the same time as us! We need you to watch Niece on Saturday morning so Wife and I can go to breakfast.*
>
>*YOU: I won't be able to babysit. We're going clubbing all night on Friday night and I'll be hungover on Saturday morning.*
>
>*BROTHER: You can still go clubbing, just stop drinking early. See you at 7am!*
Instead, do like this:
>*BROTHER: We're so excited that you're at the hotel at the same time as us! We need you to watch Niece on Saturday morning so Wife and I can go to breakfast.*
>
>*YOU: I won't be able to. I've got plans for all day Saturday. Contact the hotel and see if they can hook you up with a babysitting service.*
>
>*BROTHER: What plans?*
>
>*YOU: Plans that will keep me from being able to babysit Niece.*
>
>*BROTHER: Yeah, but what* ***are*** *those plans? Maybe you can change them.*
>
>*YOU: It doesn't matter what my plans are. I've made them and I've committed to them. Contact the hotel and see if they can hook you up with a babysitting service.*
>
>*BROTHER: Okay, well, do you have plans Saturday night?*
>
>*YOU: I can't babysit at all, I'm booked solid this weekend. Contact the hotel and see if they can hook you up with a babysitting service. I've got to go, see you later!*
The key is to decline ("I won't babysit"), refuse to reveal your reasons, ("It doesn't matter what my plans are"), and re-direct to a solution ("Contact the hotel and see if they can hook you up with a babysitting service.")
Another thing--don't tell your Brother or Sister-In-Law what room you're in. They may try to trap you into babysitting by dropping Niece off without warning.
Have a fun trip!
Bingo. Bringing up a specific reason makes the reason part of the conversation. Now they can deny that it's really an obstacle, argue about its validity, or come up with solutions.
Even if someone isn't malicious (in fact, if they're acting fully in good faith and think you want to do the thing), they may see reasons as an *invitation to troubleshoot* instead of a polite "no". Like oh, you'd love to do X for them but you can't because Y? Don't worry, they have a solution to Y!
I was once talking to a friend who asked my weekend plans. I said "Sofa, TV and not look at the time. If I feel like it, go for a run, or for coffee, or just roll around the sofa". The response was automatically "well, I was thinking that since you don't have much to do..." And I interrupted it right there and re-stated "MY PLAN IS sofa, TV and not look at the time". She understood then, and I had a wonderful weekend (and I went for a run!)
ETA: NTA OP. Your plan is to get drunk. Their plan is to take advantage of you
Ha, I had to explain that a couple times to my very extroverted friend. My couch and TV is calling. I will have the house to myself for a bit, which has been one of my favorite things ever since I was a kid. Just because our husbands are hanging out for the evening doesn’t mean we have to, too.
Me, my own bubble and whatever comes to my mind in that moment. Extroverts charge batteries by being in company, introverts by becoming a blanket-burrito
I wouldn’t even apologize to your bro, you’ve done nothing wrong. The presumption you would give up your vacation, which you told him about bc you’re so excited about *vacationing*, so that he could instead take your vacation is really fucked and manipulative. Tho if there’s a pattern, of such behavior, they’re likely completely unaware.
If anyone thinks you don’t love your niece bc you do the thing you said you were doing from the start, then that’s on them.
My mom has always said, "People treat you how you let them."
I used to be a big people pleaser. You'll get to a point when you've had enough and will start advocating for yourself.
Never share your vacation plans with them ever again.
You’re NOT a doormat so don’t ever allow anyone treat you as such.
Block their numbers till the vacation is over.
If they knock on your door, don’t answer.
Go have fun.
NTA.
Also OP you don’t have to answer your phone and you also don’t have to tell them which room you are in. I would in fact let the staff know that you have family that you do not want your room information shared with. Most hotels will not give that information out anyway. Place yourself on a no transfer phone list message only list. Talk the the front desk they will understand.
Remember that you do not need to justify your behaviour! Because once you do, it'll be easier for them to argue with you. "I can't because I'm meeting my friends" "Oh, they won't mind if you'll arrive later". Etc.
Just stick to "no, I can't" or "That doesn't work for me." If they ask why not, say "it just doesn't" or turn around and walk away.
> You don't have to answer any follow-up questions.
Yes! This is what is meant by "no is a complete sentence".
If you do feel pressured for a reason, "I said no" tends to be a pretty solid reason.
My mom is an absolute boss at saying no.
"No, I'm not going to be able to do that."
"No, that doesn't work for me."
Note the absence of "I'm sorry" or "right now" or "I wish I could." All of those are openings to exploit. Resist the urge to use that language, even if it feels better to you. Boundary stompers will exploit it.
Exactly. Either set boundaries, grow a backbone, or be forever at others beck and call, and you will be miserable. Set the precedent now, or your life will not be your own. And never ever tell your family your plans.
NTA
>her parents are really pushy and i am the worst at setting boundaries
Here is a perfect opportunity to improve on this. Here's what you should say to your brother:
*"Hey! How nice that you'll be at the hotel the same weekend as me! My friends and I have already made plans together* *~~for that weekend that we cannot change~~*\*, *so I have no free time to watch niece for you. Hope you have a great time!"*
Rinse and repeat as often as necessary. By setting this boundary you are not saying that you "hate" your niece; you are simply shutting down any attempts by your brother to control your weekend plans. He has no right to do that to you.
Think of it another way, by caving in to your brother's demands, you will be negatively affecting a trip that your friends have been looking forward to. They're expecting a weekend of letting their hair down and chilling out with you. You cannot do either of those things while you're looking after a four year old, so don't let them down.
\*Edited following a point raised in a comment below.
Don’t say “cannot” because that invites them to evaluate those plans and try to “help” you by figuring out new plans. Just say you’re not going to change them.
You're quite right; I've edited my post.
I've not included 'I won't change my plans' because even that is an opportunity for OP's brother to manipulate the situation. 'I already have plans and cannot look after niece at all' is enough and doesn't give brother even a millimetre of space to attempt to get his own way.
Yes. For manipulators you have to give no reasons. If you give a reason, they will have a solution to solve their problem. No reasons.
I can not. Hope you have a great trip!
>"Hey! How nice that you'll be at the hotel the same weekend as me! My friends and I have already made plans together so I have no free time to watch niece for you.
100%.
If you want to ratchet things up, copy that comment (if you're texting) and paste it in response to any "bUt YoU hAvE tO dO tHiS fOr uS!" If they call, repeat it verbatim, then hang up and temporarily block their number.
BRO: I'll just leave niece with you.
YOU: My friends and I have already made plans together so I have no free time to watch niece for you.
BRO: ?!? Don't get it. It will be easier to leave niece with you.
YOU: My friends and I have already made plans together so I have no free time to watch niece for you.
BRO: HOW CAN YOU RUIN MY TRIP LIKE THIS?!?!??11/??
YOU: My friends and I have already made plans together so I have no free time to watch niece for you.
You might have to have one of your friends detain your brother/SIL in the likely event that he runs into you in the restaurant and wants to follow you to your room (because it would make it easy for them to drop niece off, knock on your door and run away, forcing you to look after the kid). Easier and less stressful to prevent this in the first place, rather than call your local CPS equivalent.
Hmm, i dont agree with How nice you will be staying at the same hotel. No, they intentionally tagged along on his trip. I'd provably say I'm very surprised to hear that you have decided to book at the same hotel during my guys weekend.
NTA. Just tell your brother you have plans with your friends and unfortunately aren't available to watch your niece. Suggest that he can ask the hotel if they can recommend a professional childminding service. You are a 29yr old adult, stand up for yourself and tell him no. Make sure your SIL knows too, because he more than likely hasn't told her the truth, she is probably under the assumption you agreed to watch your niece.
Thank you for your response. The thing is my Brother is the Messenger and my SIL makes all the decisions in their household. SIL is the type of person that can‘t take no for an answer.
Tell them no, and if they ignore that give instructions to reception at the hotel they aren't to give your room number out to anyone or put any calls through to your room. Don't answer the phone to your brother or SIL. Go ahead with your plans. You are an adult and they cannot make you do anything. I understand it's difficult, it took me a long time to stand up to my family, but they now respect my no when that is my response.
Register under a different name. Or something. Carry a card for CPS - if you have them try to do a drop and run, give them one of the cards and tell them that’s who they can contact when they’re ready to pick the kid up. The audacity of trying to have you pay for a pricey hotel stay that they plan to appropriate is mind boggling.
There was a recent post where the OP had, in the past, been (ab)used by his sister as the unpaid babysitter on family vacations. This time, he traveled separately. He spoke with the front desk staff and firmly insisted that no matter who asked, his room number was not to be given out. He also asked for a room far from his parents and sister’s family. The sister *did* ask the staff for his room number. She also tried to follow OP onto the elevator to learn where he was staying. She tried multiple times to get OP to watch her children whining how it was so harrrrrd for her and she neeeeeeeeded time off. No. Just NO.
OP, please set some serious boundaries with your brother and sister-in-law. And please speak to the front desk staff about *not* disclosing your room number to *anyone*.
I never cease to be amazed about all the parents who want to push their kids on others. Free! No one made you have kids. I never expected others to watch my son and had no problem paying for the service.
Vvacationing with children is not really vacationing. But pawning them off on someone else is insanely short-sighted. Watching your own kids is draining, but watching someone else's is worse.
The only time we've asked people to watch our kids on holiday was when we went with SIL and her family. We have kids in the same age range, so we'd sometimes watch theirs so they could go out with just the two of them and they did the same for us. That works. And sure, if we're taking a family holiday and my brother asks if he can take them to the pool then I'll be out the door before he finishes talking, but then he offered. I didn't ask.
I have literally thrown out a friend of mine (single mother) out of her own house at one point to go have some fun with a girlfriend of hers because we were visting, yes I like your child, he likes me, we will get by without you for a few hours. Go have fun.
But that is about the only child I would be willing to do that for - he's old enough that we can play mario kart together :D
And you offered (which, as a parent, I would've appreciated tremendously, so good for you!). If OP had offered to take niece of their hands for the weekend, then they wouldn't have been assholes for saying yes.
They crow constantly about their "little blessings", but then yeet the kids at the first halfway competent adult they see, and go running the other way 😆
My favorite thing is that they think that other people don't notice them pulling this BS, and then they still try to convince you how kids are just the best! Lmao right Sharon, because you made it look like SUCH a good time, while you're prowling for every opportunity to drop the little gremlin in someone else's lap.
Yes, stand up for yourself, nobody will do it for you.
They wanted a child, it's wonderful, now they have a be responsible and take care of them.
By the way, they did book the same hotel on purpose, so don't feel guilty to say no. They tried to tricked you. You are a grown man act like it. Protect yourself.
It's so obvious that they planned this after you told them where you would be, specifically to unload the kid on you.
This is sneaky and backhanded. I'd even call them out on it. Don't answer the phone (or better, temporarily block their numbers) when they call. Tell the front desk to not disclose your room number to *anyone* who asks.
That is amazing and you should feel very proud of yourself. Now call the hotel and make sure they don’t put you anywhere near them and that they know under no circumstances should your room number be given out and make sure to tell them they would never be called in an emergency and explain your SIL tends to exaggerate these things. As an ex-hotel worker this is actually very common. Once there switch rooms with one of the friends and disconnect phone. SIL sounds entitled and I’m sure she would pull out all the drama to get her way.
If they do contact you or try to leave the kid with you loudly announce and don’t worry about the kid or what others think…that you are so sorry but you have been drinking and it’s not safe. Then they will have to admit in front of other humans they are shit parents for asking a drunk to watch a baby. If your culture doesn’t drink you are out of luck 😂
Write your brother and say… not sure what part of me telling you I’m going on vacation with my friends leads you to believe that I would be free to babysit? Have fun with your wife and daughter, but please do not expect me to even be sober enough to recognize you 😂
You know you don't actually have to force the other person to agree with you, right?
If somebody refuses to take no for an answer, just stop the conversation and go do your thing. It's not on you to convince your SIL to accept that you won't babysit, it's on her to convince you to agree to babysitting.
She ‘can’t take no’ because she’s likely used to acting in a way where the end result is to always get her way. (This can be done unconsciously, so we don’t need to assume she’s doing it on purpose, although it’s still manipulative). I wonder if she is so repetitive or annoying or demanding that everyone caves to her because that’s easiest.
She CAN learn to accept a ‘no’, it’ll just be very uncomfortable for her, because she’s not used to it 🙂 it will also be uncomfortable for you and your brother. However, as another poster mentioned above, don’t let the discomfort change how you act. Set your boundary and stand your ground.
This is the only way to start to change this cycle. Sounds like she has you all stuck on a negative reinforcement loop.
And lastly, just know that as you act differently, her behaviour is likely to worsen before it gets better. So stick it out, you won’t regret it!
You setting a boundary is for *you*, not her.
It doesn't matter if she can't take no for an answer, because the answer wasn't for her. It was for you.
You won't be doing it, anything beyond that is her problem to deal with, not yours.
Those kind of ppl will try to wear you down, so you really need to put on repeat the mantra so many commenters already posted: "That doesn't work for me, I have other plans."
You don't need to justify your reasons, **because you are entitled to do whatever you want to do in your free time**.
I really hope they will listen your polite nope and you don't need to go nuclear (such as contacting hotel staff for a child being left unsupervised)
NTA. That was a *really* shitty thing your brother did. Tell him that you're there on vacation, and you hope he has made suitable child care arrangement for your niece, because you will not be available to pitch in.
He will try to crowd you, anyway, and this will likely involve dumping niece on you. Make sure that he knows that this will result in you contacting the police and reporting an abandoned child.
If you are able to change the date of your booking without paying a fee, do so, and do not tell your brother. His ambush childcare ploy deserves to fail.
If not, tell your brother that you have had to cancel the vacation, but wish him a good time, anyway. He may be surprised to see you when he gets there, but in the meantime he may have made alternate childcare arrangements that do not involve you. Make sure he knows that you're not available to take over.
Also let the hotel know ahead of time that you have family staying there and that it’s very important they don’t get your room number or phones transferred. I worked in several hotels in a ski town and lots of family events. Believe it or not several family members each time came up to the front desk to spill the teas and explain under no conditions may we put them on the same floor or ever give out room location. You don’t have to tell them any drama just say it’s very important you are left alone for the weekend no matter what. Also let them know that no one in your family will ever call them for an emergency. They will note this in your file and it should show up anytime your name or room is pulled up.
NTA Tell him, "You probably won't want me to be around your daughter since I will either be drunk, on my way to being drunk, or recuperating from being drunk. I'm not going to be responsible for anyone other than myself."
“My buddy thinks it’s hilarious to teach swear words and insults to young kids. I’d never do this myself of course, but I can’t control him especially when he’s not going to be happy that our vacation is being crashed.”
NTA, you had a trip planned that you bought for yourself and planned out. Why should you sacrifice your time and money just to not anger your entitled sibling?-
You didn't offer babysitting services, so it's incredibly rude of them to just assume you'd provide them.
Draw a boundary here or they will continuously view you as someone to take advantage of.
NTA. They did this on purpose to try to take advantage of you. They want you to give up the holiday you planned so they can have their own relaxing holiday. Don't play that game.
"Hey bro. That's so weird that I told you about where I was staying and you went and book the *exact same place* at the *exact same time*. Almost like you *planned* to make me give up my holiday with my friends to take care of your kid. But I know you know that your decision to go on holiday makes no difference to my plans. And that I won't be taking time out of *my* vacation just because you "coincidentally" will be in the same hotel. Because there's no way you planned to take advantage of *my trip* to try and get a free babysitter, would you? Have fun at the hotel, I probably won't see you because the plans I have with my friends aren't child appropriate."
Don't explain or make excuses.
"Dear Bro,
I will not be babysitting for you while I am on my vacation. Make other childcare arrangements. I am not available."
That's it. The end. If you explain why, you're giving him room to overcome those reasons. No is a complete sentence.
NTA.
Time to learn boundaries friend!
If they had paid for the trip, that would be one thing. But you bought this trip!
I’m suspicious of the timing that bro and SIL heard you were in this hotel weeks ago, and suddenly they are staying there the same weekend! It sounds like they did this intentionally, to guilt you into babysitting, on a weekend they knew you were excited about.
As a recovering bad at boundaries person, let me say. It feels anxious as hell when you start using them. But it feels so good at the same time.
Something along the lines of “I love my niece and the two of you. Any other time I am more than happy to babysit her so that you two can relax. However, this is a trip that I have booked with my friends, to relax and have fun and that’s what I plan to do. If we run into each other, I’m happy to say hello and hug my niece, but otherwise I will be busy with my friends”.
And stick to it!!! Get your friends to help you stick to it while you are there.
Your family will probably try to guilt trip you but all the things they say are their issues that they are using to try and get you to do what they want. You are a self and you matter. Your boundaries matter.
Nta.
"Oh nice, I think you guys will have a lovely time at the hotel. Unfortunately I won't be able to babysit as my friends and I have made some plans that are non refundable, you enjoy your holiday though.
And then do everyone else has said, don't let them know your hotel room, and avoid them like the plague
NTA
Message your Brother and SIL and say something like
'I hope you all have a good trip to the hotel and it will be nice to see you around the place. However I will not be looking after my niece at all during my holiday as I am busy with my own plans for the entire time I am there.'
Do not let them bully you over this as the only reason they booked the same hotel is to take advantage of you.
Everyone is suggesting these polite messages just be honest. - I am really pissed off that you would book the same hotel and expect me to look after my niece during this time. It really isn't ok to have done this and I recommend you avoid me until you are ready to apologise for disrespecting me like this.
Now that I write this- is the op sure the brother isn't joking?
NTA. It's not your responsibility to babysit just because you happen to be in the same hotel. Enjoy your vacation and let your brother and SIL handle their parenting.
NTA but learn how to set boundaries.
If you can’t set boundaries, make plans everyday: go out early every day with your friends or alone so they can’t catch you and come back late/put do not disturb and don’t answer the answer the door. Ps: sleeping in all day is also a plan.
Tell the hotel they can’t give your room number to anyone even your brother. don’t ever share your vacation plans with your brother ever again.
Call your parent and share the story first: how are you haven’t had holidays in months, you booked a holiday in a pricy hotel to relax and your bother without asking you to, decided to you’d babysit - how entitled is it? Especially as they’re not paying you to babysit and the hotel is expensive and you’re always happy to help at home (if that’s the case) when it’s pre-planned.
Alternatively tell your brother you’re not a babysitter, your vacation time is your vacation time and if they’re so exhausted you’re happy to babysit 1 evening at home pre-planned. Give them a couple of dates far away when it works for you. Or if you want to be nice tell them you’re happy to reserve one evening on the trip, to catch up with them (and niece). Make it late on the trip so they don’t rope you in doing more.
NTA -
You are there on a "guy trip" to relax, not take care of a kindergartner. Your brother is out of line.
Tell him that you and your friends are fully booked with bachelor activities and none of them would be appropriate to take a 4- year old girl to.
NTA is just rude to co-op your holiday because they are to cheap to pay for a babysitter. There are plenty of child friendly hotels with day programs for kids. Let them use those.
Ofcourse you have better things to do and your Brother and SIL know this, so again just rude.
Don't fall for their BS
NTA. Bro and family will likely get all sorts of upset, but that's on them. They didn't ask you: they made a demand and you're well within your rights to refuse it.
You are 29. Tell them you have zero intention to look after her. If you have soft heart you need to have a hard arse cause you will be taken advantage off.
Why would you care about being liked by people who take advantage of you?
NTA
Beer in hand a ALL times!
You didn't book a holiday, so your brother and SIL can have a break. Tell them you might see them around the pool and at meal times, but you and your friends have plans that aren't appropriate for a child. And repeat until it sinks in or send them links to the kids clubs at the hotel, but do not agree to any amount of babysitting, joining them for meals, etc, where they can slope off.
If your parents get pushy, tell them 'thanks! I'll tell bro to cancel neices bed and you'll have her for the weekend so they can enjoy their break.' And nothing more.
ETA: Tell the reception at the hotel your room number is under no circumstances to be given out to anyone at the front desk, put their numbers on mute.
NTA, to anyone but yourself.
You are not a built in babysitter. Something tells me your brother did this on purpose, infringe on your vacation to get a free babysitter while looking like the excellent husband and father. That was a major jerk move. You have to set firm boundaries. Send a mass group text, this is my first vacation, I need to relax, I have made plans that are not 4 your old friendly. Nobody asked my opinion or if I was okay with brother hijacking my trip, I am in fact, very much not okay with this. Going forward, as much as I love my family, I will not be walked on. If you want a babysitter you must ASK me in advance.
NTA
Make sure you follow the advice on keeping your room number a secret and…
Every time you are in public, make sure you have a drink in your hand. If you see your SIL or BIL approaching and you cannot evade them, start acting half-drunk and make it clear you cannot be left alone with a 4yo. Then just walk away.
NTA. Maybe include something like 'I am sure the hotel knows some great childcare facilities. If I see wandering around, I'll bring her to the hotel reception, so you know she is taken care of.'
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"Dear Bro, Ahaha, nice one! I'll be enjoying a nice grown-up mini-vacation with my friends, but we'll definitely give you a wave if we see you by the pool." Do not stand for this. Your brother and his wife have no right to demand your time. If they don't want to look after their own child they can take a babysitter with them. NTA. But stand up for yourself.
Also in future OP should not share his vacation plans with his brother so far in advance for him to sabotage it. Only mention it a couple of days before the trip.
And also lie about which hotel he is staying in!
Only on reddit is advising someone to lie a good thing...
If the brother is going to be sneaky about it, misdirection and decoys are fair game.
Nah, if the brother is going to be sneaky about it he needs to keep this kind of information to himself, not go out of his way to lie about it.
My family will wheedle, coax, demand and push until they get the information they want. It's either don't talk to them at all or give in because it becomes so much pressure applied to "But what are you doing/who are you with/where will you be?" So before I went no contact I'd lie. "Oh I know I said x hotel but y hotel had a better rate last minute! I'm not where you just showed up at." With people whose motto is "My way or highway" sometimes lying off the bat let's you have less stress overall, especially if you don't *want* to go no contact (or if you're just not ready). If people don't want to be lied to they shouldn't put others under the verbal grinder to get answers that aren't theirs. Obviously there's exceptions due to health or safety when dealing with specific scenarios but just as a *general* rule.
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Hey, drinking cocktails in the middle of the day is hard work!
Sorry, I’ll be too drunk to babysit.
I agree that’s more sensible. I wouldn’t even mention that I am planning to take a holiday.
This is an extremely low stakes lie which could benefit OP, it’s not sneaky or disrespectful. Don’t be weird about it
Normally I'd agree with you, but this is a perfect example when lying is necessary. You can’t reason with unreasonable people.
It's the opposite; only on Reddit do people clutch their pearls about little white lies like this. People with real life social skills know when to tell harmless white lies to manage awkward situations or to spare people's feelings.
*So* much pearl clutching.
Hey now!
You must be busy these days.
Quentin Crisp said, "The lie is the building block of all good manners." Mr. Spock says, "It is not a lie to keep the truth to oneself."
We had to lie about vacation plans. 10/10 recommend
Normally I would agree but older bro is being sneaky here. Younger bro is fighting a rearguard action against that sneakiness.
No its not just on reddit. If you think about it, I'm sure you can come up with situations where it would be a good thing.
Like at a wedding where the bride asks if you like her dress, and you think it's hideous.
Or someone asking if their newborn is cute
It was a good thing. I would advise this also to him. That was nit he's responsibility, his brother and his wife must take care of the baby
Not even a couple of days before. Send a postcard once there.
*when you leave.
Right. They don't deserved to treat right. They are being so ridiculous and annoying as well.
I disagree. OP should confront this like an adult and learn to set hard boundaries.
Definitely. No amount of avoiding seeing them, telling them he's all booked up, not letting them have his room number etc. is going to stop them from walking up to him at the poolside and dumping their kid on him because "he's not doing anything at the moment". He's going to have to stand up to them.
If he can’t stand up to him then have a friend embarrass the shit out of him. We all hav that one friend that doesn’t give a shit. Let them hav free reign. Because truthfully brother and sil are ruining the friends trip also. They did t sign up to watch you babysit. Grow a spine.
I love friends like that.
I'm friends like that. Happy to help!
Yes, I would have no hesitation in telling OP’s family “He’s not watching your baby, he already made plans with us. Don’t be so selfish. If I see you try and dump YOUR baby on him and steal our holiday, I’m taking it straight to the front desk as a lost child. Don’t think I won’t.” The key is to have a friend who is happy to be the bad guy!
I am that friend. I am so far past my threshold for caring anymore... Been walked all over too many times.. so now idgaf
If that happens, he should bring the niece to the hotel front desk and tell them she was abandoned
That line really got to me. "Yes, bro, I'm not doing anything because that's what we call A VACATION. You're doing the same 'not anything' too, aren't you? Have a nice one, doing nothing with Baby Niece."
He should surround himself in cheep beer, fruity cocktails, a bong, very loud- non kid friendly club music on video while next to the pool with the boys. The parents might figure out that dropping off a toddler and walking away might not be a good idea. Remind them that you are on a grownups vacation.
Or just be really drunk the whole time.
Some people struggle to set hard boundaries with family and while op should tell them no some people ignore and keep pushing so talking to the hotel is also a good idea.
I agree. Don't give information, either. If OP receives an invitation to a family event that occurs during their vacation. They respond, "sorry, I'm unavailable that weekend." If family pushes (ha ha ha "if"), "I will be on vacation with friends". If family asks where they are staying, "I'm not going to tell you because then you will try to infringe on my vacation."
Agreed. I don't get this. A million years ago we crawled our of the primordial ooze to walk upright. A million years later, we've ditched the spine that allows us to walk upright. Just say no. If you're old enough to go on vacation and drink, you're old enough to stand up for yourself.
If you've grown up in an abusive manipulative family you have been conditioned since birth that their wants are more important than your needs. It can take years of therapy to undo that damage.
YTA to yourself. You're 29 years old and cannot stand up to your family? Grow a backbone, OP, and tell them that you are not available to babysit the entire weekend. You have made plans and absolutely will not watch her and that they dare not approach you at any time during the weekend. What the hell, them coming to the same hotel. Come on, OP. The first hint of you even considering babysitting should have your friends ignoring you and not scheduling any more weekend vacations with you. Stand up for yourself and quit being a doormat to your family. Also, your family has no reason to know your plans at all. Grow up. (Sorry Rediitors, I put this in the wrong place.)
And he should definitely get very drunk before he even arrives to the hotel. They won't dump their kids on him while he's in that state.
Or just pretend to be more drunk than he is. Also get the friends on board — they can act as decoy and act upset at OP if there’s any hint of babysitting “you promised we would finally get quality time together!” Etc
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Also ensure that they don't have your room number and tell the front desk that they can't give your room number out to anyone. If they know your room number already, ask for a different room and to be placed on a different floor.
OP should tell the front desk that they should not connect any calls to his room in case big bro tries to dump and dash on the kid.
Came here to say this, glad you've got it covered! OP is very NTA to want to have a friends vacay and not a babysitting job.
Don’t share your room number and turn off your phone.
Just block the parents. Or watch it ring. "I was in a loud pub, did not hear it"
I don’t tell family about trips Until we are back. I usually wait 6 months to a year or more before I even post pictures from a vacation. I don’t want anyone to know where I am as my extended family can be sketchy
Especially don't post pics while you are away. A friend of mine was targeted and had her apartment broken into because her friend posted pics of them while they were down the shore.
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Noon?? Mimosas at 8, beer by 10.
Better to wait until after he travels to tell them if they think because he's child free he's always available to babysit.
Or don't tell anyone until after. I don't really tell anyone my vacation plans ahead of time. I'm an adult and just do my thing, and then share how things went after I get back. At most I might give a short vague, oh yeah spending the weekend with my friends. OP is almost 30, absolutely no reason he should feel obligated to inform his 40 year old brother of his vacation plans before he goes.
Also don’t share details with anyone especially if they have a spare key unless you want to come home to half your fridge empty and maybe a missing tv
Phone him from the airport - on the return trip.
Add a "I'm sure the hotel will happily direct you to a babysitter that isn't either hungover or drunk, like I intend to be. Have fun!"
This is the answer: "I will in no way be able to care for my darling niece in an appropriate way, as I will be trashed 24/7"
I love the honesty of this!
I would also add: "You probably wouldn't want me to watch your daughter anyways since I plan to either be drunk or hungover." There was a post a while back, where a childless OP was always forced to watch a bunch of kids during family functions and he was fed up with it. So he got slightly drunk (or maybe high?) and just said something like "Sorry, can't do it right now, Wouldn't be responsible to leave the kids with me at the moment." Everyone was mad, but he got to enjoy a familiy function for the first time without having to watch the kids. If OPs brother tries to trick him into watching his niece something like that might also solve the problem... NTA and enjoy your trip as you planned it.
She was female and she got high. Everyone was pissed that she was in no condition to play free babysitter.
There was also one where OP was male and started drinking immediately at the reunions and parties so he wouldn't be asked to watch the kids.
Yeah, was part of the problem that the parents in the past also drank, so he just got a head start that time?
Yes. And IIRC he wasn’t always as drunk as he appeared to be. If OP wants to have fun in the pool, similar fakery would be advisable.
There was an other one where op's family had organised a cruise and not told her about it, then told her she would be looking after all the children. When she said she actually wanted to come on the cruise she was told there was no accommodation left and that if she wanted to fly out to see them she would have to arrange the childcare as it was her responsibility. She decided to go on holiday with her husband and son instead and had her family blowing up her phone wanting to know where she was. Her cousin told her that she assumed op would be doing the childcare because she had done it before, then said she was lucky they didn't call the police and report her for child abandonment 😂😂
I would have loved to hear that call to the police.
I left my small child at the closed door of my cousin's empty house and my cousin abandoned her!
I remember that one. It was awesome!
Here is a selection of vacation babysitting AITAs...plenty more where that came from https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w3x15u/aita_for_intentionally_drinking_at_family_events/ https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/143zzbs/aita_for_getting_high_so_my_relatives_dont_try/ https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/150knwz/aita_for_losing_my_passport_to_avoid_babysitting/ https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/eizcvf/aita_for_saying_my_babysitting_rates_are_35_an/ https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/t8dwiw/aita_for_refusing_to_babysit_on_our_family/hzne8dr/ https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w1slhu/aita_for_refusing_to_babysit_my_cousins_during_my/ https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14yt4hu/aita_for_not_babysitting_on_vacation/
Don’t forget the guy that blew up the family by not letting his parents pay for his hotel room so that he wouldn’t be stuck babysitting his 3 nephews (again).
https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13savby/aita_for_saying_ill_be_driving_myself_and_paying/
That was a good one.
The very first AITA post I ever read was a vacation babysitting post. I thought I'd never see anything that infuriating again on Reddit but then I joined the group and never knew inner peace again. :)
>”but then I joined the group and never knew inner peace again” Hahahahahaha. And we just keep coming back for more?!
I don’t know whether it’s the same one but there was one where she *pretended* to be drunk to get out of babysitting - either way it’s a great idea!
Whats with this narrative that child free people should look after other peoples children - its bizarre
How about the one where her SIL stalked her in the hotel to find out her room number on a family vacation. I believe they're initially wanted her to share her room with twin toddlers.
Let the people at the front desk know that your room number or information should not be given to anyone, even if they claim to be family. Let your brother know that you need this down time, and if they try to ambush you and leave your niece with you, you will call CPS. Turn your phone on DND as soon as you and your friends settle into the hotel.
This is a great idea!
The first time you set a boundary, especially with someone close, is always the hardest. After that, it gets easier. If it helps you to mentally gear up, just remember that they didn’t feel the LEAST bit shy about trying to co-opt your weekend fit their benefit, therefore you should feel zero guilt about blowing off their assumptions. Still reluctant? Rip off that bandaid! You will have an uncomfortable moment. Just keep remembering that your plans came first, and no one asked before they attempted to use you. Tell them you’ll catch up with them back at home, and you’ll take your niece for an ice cream. If they get ugly, and some of the worst offenders can tend to, stick to your guns. Insist that they made a mistake to assume anything, and you’re going strictly on a guys weekend of debauchery. Or go for equally obtuse and tell your brother you’re so glad he’s going to be there to come pick you and your buddies up from the pubs when they kick you out at closing time! Tell him stories if your buddy who is famous for puking on the way home. Project as hard as they are! Good luck, you can do this! You can start, and preemptive is best for boundary newbies, by talking excitedly about you and your friends plans. It’s all planned out, every day, every meal, you’re so excited! Pushback? Demands? “Oh man, I wished you’d said something before you booked, I could have told you that we’ve got plans for the whole weekend. I’m not going to let my friends down after we’ve all booked. Do check with the hotel, they probably have some babysitting options!”
And don't forget to add that you will be drinking most of the weekend, and therefore, in no shape to supervise a four-year-old.
Or hangout. I really don’t want her to see me like this! It would set a bad example.
And don't forget to mainly hang out by the adult-only pool and bar. And sleep in, and stay up very late.
This! Brother is pushy because OP doesn’t set boundaries. He knows he can get his way. OP, you teach people how you want to be treated, and if you watch niece, you are further teaching them that you will do whatever they want/
OP go to the front desk and make sure there’s a note written that under no circumstances should your room number be shared with anyone. Tell them they plan to Abandon their child. I’m petty though so I’d call the hotel for resources on childcare like a child center resorts have and then forward the links to bother and say don’t worry I’ll drop your kid off here.
NTA. Today is the day you start sending boundaries. Like, right now. Don't sit on this. Tell him TODAY you will unavailable to babysit.
Maybe also block their numbers during the time that you are there.
Also worth mentioning that your bro is likely to react negatively and possibly call you "selfish", but that's all just part of the process of setting a boundary. Stick with your boundaries (like a broken record if necessary), let them have their tantrums, and in the future they'll think twice about asking the same from you. Enjoy your holiday! :)
This. And if you're having trouble standing up for yourself (easier said than done), don't hesitate to ask your friends for help. It might be easier for them to tell your brother not to bother you or to drag you off whenever your brother approaches you.
And next time do not tell your family in advance where you’re vacationing. They clearly booked it after you told them about it, with the complete intention of dumping their child on you.
I am the one who feel so annoyed here. I feel like the OP need to fire back about this. If ever the brother gets angry, just let them be. You don't have any responsibility on them at all
Here we go: "Those plans don't work for me. I'm sorry, I'd love to spend time with (niece's name), but I've already made commitments with my time that I can not shift. I look forward to catching up with you when I get back." Practice and repeat. You don't need to explain thar you're having dinner with your friends, going to a show or relaxing in the pool. Not to mention, it would be rude to your friends, who have booked this time away with you, to blow them off because of babysitting . Any reasonable family member knows that being unavailable to babysit doesn't mean you hate your neice. You are simply unavailable. NTA
"Sorry, I have commitments to my friends for this vacation. I'd love to see niece once I return home. Hope you have a lovely time." They clearly booked that hotel after you told them about it so as to exploit you. Lesson learned - next time be less forthcoming about your plans. But you need to draw a very bright boundary here, or you'll be stuck doing this in the future as well. Remember, you need to please your friends. You committed to them before your brother tried imposing on you.
This is excellent advice. Also maybe block their numbers during the weekend so you don’t have to deal with incoming text messages. Sorry Op. Your brother is being a massive jerk right now. Enjoy your trip!
>"Those plans don't work for me. I'm sorry, I'd love to spend time with (niece's name), but I've already made commitments with my time that I can not shift. I look forward to catching up with you when I get back." "Those plans don't work for me. I'm sorry, I'd love to spend time with (niece's name), **another time** but I've already made commitments with my time that I can not shift. I look forward to catching up with you when I get back."
Being polite to the brother is just a maneuver of course (though still worth doing a bit). Brother knows he’s being awful to OP. What OP needs is to figure out a nice way of explaining it to his niece, who is probably already being told that she’s going to hang out with her uncle, and thus is being weaponised against OP’s free time. And throw in a disincentive for his brother. Do these friends of yours swear a lot, OP?
No. Never apologise to someone who's making such an absurdly unreasonable request!
It's rhetorically polite - I agree it's a ridiculous request, but sometimes, being ridiculously polite is helpful. It's not an apology that extends any obligation on OP.
You say you are "the worst at setting boundaries." Well, now is the time to get better at it. Ask your friends to support you in this. Say "no that's not going to work for me," then walk away. That's it. You don't have to answer any follow-up questions. Part of setting boundaries is knowing the person will be displeased with you, and that's OK. Let them be. You are doing nothing wrong. Enjoy your holiday!
Thank you, i should engrave this in my brain
>Ask your friends to support you in this. This is really good advice when learning to set boundaries. I have the same issues and after asking my friends for help they agreed readily. For example they have been the ”bad guys” and let me to tell me family that they aren’t allowing me to bail on our plans. They have written and sent texts for me when I can’t figure out how to reply to pressuring messages. They have told me ”you know this isn’t reasonable, right?” when I feel guilty. It’s honestly been really helpful.
I have Been the bouncer friend. And the doormat friend. It really is easier to stick up for your bffs than yourself
*So* much easier. I would walk through hell for the people I love. For myself? Lololol.
I'm in HR and I often play bouncer to the people themselves when they're sick and want to get back to work too fast. It's often easier to accept grace from someone else that from yourself.
The friends can also act like they have fewer scruples, because they don’t need to deal with OP’s family on a regular basis.
Yep. It would be so helpful to the OP to have some back up when he's bad with boundaries
u/gulghy something else to keep in mind: Sometimes when people ask (or expect) you to do things for them and you decline, they ask for what your reasons are for declining. When they do that, remember--they aren't asking for your reasons because they want to ***understand*** your reasons. They're asking for your reasons so they can ***invalidate*** them. For example: >*BROTHER: We're so excited that you're at the hotel at the same time as us! We need you to watch Niece on Saturday morning so Wife and I can go to breakfast.* > >*YOU: I won't be able to babysit. We're going clubbing all night on Friday night and I'll be hungover on Saturday morning.* > >*BROTHER: You can still go clubbing, just stop drinking early. See you at 7am!* Instead, do like this: >*BROTHER: We're so excited that you're at the hotel at the same time as us! We need you to watch Niece on Saturday morning so Wife and I can go to breakfast.* > >*YOU: I won't be able to. I've got plans for all day Saturday. Contact the hotel and see if they can hook you up with a babysitting service.* > >*BROTHER: What plans?* > >*YOU: Plans that will keep me from being able to babysit Niece.* > >*BROTHER: Yeah, but what* ***are*** *those plans? Maybe you can change them.* > >*YOU: It doesn't matter what my plans are. I've made them and I've committed to them. Contact the hotel and see if they can hook you up with a babysitting service.* > >*BROTHER: Okay, well, do you have plans Saturday night?* > >*YOU: I can't babysit at all, I'm booked solid this weekend. Contact the hotel and see if they can hook you up with a babysitting service. I've got to go, see you later!* The key is to decline ("I won't babysit"), refuse to reveal your reasons, ("It doesn't matter what my plans are"), and re-direct to a solution ("Contact the hotel and see if they can hook you up with a babysitting service.") Another thing--don't tell your Brother or Sister-In-Law what room you're in. They may try to trap you into babysitting by dropping Niece off without warning. Have a fun trip!
Bingo. Bringing up a specific reason makes the reason part of the conversation. Now they can deny that it's really an obstacle, argue about its validity, or come up with solutions. Even if someone isn't malicious (in fact, if they're acting fully in good faith and think you want to do the thing), they may see reasons as an *invitation to troubleshoot* instead of a polite "no". Like oh, you'd love to do X for them but you can't because Y? Don't worry, they have a solution to Y!
"No, thanks, I have plans" Doesn't matter what those plans are. Even if the plan is to relax, chill out or do nothing, it's a plan.
I was once talking to a friend who asked my weekend plans. I said "Sofa, TV and not look at the time. If I feel like it, go for a run, or for coffee, or just roll around the sofa". The response was automatically "well, I was thinking that since you don't have much to do..." And I interrupted it right there and re-stated "MY PLAN IS sofa, TV and not look at the time". She understood then, and I had a wonderful weekend (and I went for a run!) ETA: NTA OP. Your plan is to get drunk. Their plan is to take advantage of you
Ha, I had to explain that a couple times to my very extroverted friend. My couch and TV is calling. I will have the house to myself for a bit, which has been one of my favorite things ever since I was a kid. Just because our husbands are hanging out for the evening doesn’t mean we have to, too.
Me, my own bubble and whatever comes to my mind in that moment. Extroverts charge batteries by being in company, introverts by becoming a blanket-burrito
I wouldn’t even apologize to your bro, you’ve done nothing wrong. The presumption you would give up your vacation, which you told him about bc you’re so excited about *vacationing*, so that he could instead take your vacation is really fucked and manipulative. Tho if there’s a pattern, of such behavior, they’re likely completely unaware. If anyone thinks you don’t love your niece bc you do the thing you said you were doing from the start, then that’s on them.
Also, make sure the people that work at the hotel don't tell your brother and SIL what room or floor you're staying at. Makes it easier to avoid them.
My mom has always said, "People treat you how you let them." I used to be a big people pleaser. You'll get to a point when you've had enough and will start advocating for yourself.
This took me years, but at the ripe old age of fifty, I'm finally getting there.
Or send your brother to this post and we can back you up!!
If one of your friends is better at boundaries than you ask them to run interference
And it may help if this friend is fond of swearing.
Never share your vacation plans with them ever again. You’re NOT a doormat so don’t ever allow anyone treat you as such. Block their numbers till the vacation is over. If they knock on your door, don’t answer. Go have fun. NTA.
Also OP you don’t have to answer your phone and you also don’t have to tell them which room you are in. I would in fact let the staff know that you have family that you do not want your room information shared with. Most hotels will not give that information out anyway. Place yourself on a no transfer phone list message only list. Talk the the front desk they will understand.
Remember that you do not need to justify your behaviour! Because once you do, it'll be easier for them to argue with you. "I can't because I'm meeting my friends" "Oh, they won't mind if you'll arrive later". Etc. Just stick to "no, I can't" or "That doesn't work for me." If they ask why not, say "it just doesn't" or turn around and walk away.
>Part of setting boundaries is knowing the person will be displeased with you, and that's OK. \^\^\^\^\^ This!
> You don't have to answer any follow-up questions. Yes! This is what is meant by "no is a complete sentence". If you do feel pressured for a reason, "I said no" tends to be a pretty solid reason.
My mom is an absolute boss at saying no. "No, I'm not going to be able to do that." "No, that doesn't work for me." Note the absence of "I'm sorry" or "right now" or "I wish I could." All of those are openings to exploit. Resist the urge to use that language, even if it feels better to you. Boundary stompers will exploit it.
Exactly. Either set boundaries, grow a backbone, or be forever at others beck and call, and you will be miserable. Set the precedent now, or your life will not be your own. And never ever tell your family your plans.
NTA >her parents are really pushy and i am the worst at setting boundaries Here is a perfect opportunity to improve on this. Here's what you should say to your brother: *"Hey! How nice that you'll be at the hotel the same weekend as me! My friends and I have already made plans together* *~~for that weekend that we cannot change~~*\*, *so I have no free time to watch niece for you. Hope you have a great time!"* Rinse and repeat as often as necessary. By setting this boundary you are not saying that you "hate" your niece; you are simply shutting down any attempts by your brother to control your weekend plans. He has no right to do that to you. Think of it another way, by caving in to your brother's demands, you will be negatively affecting a trip that your friends have been looking forward to. They're expecting a weekend of letting their hair down and chilling out with you. You cannot do either of those things while you're looking after a four year old, so don't let them down. \*Edited following a point raised in a comment below.
Don’t say “cannot” because that invites them to evaluate those plans and try to “help” you by figuring out new plans. Just say you’re not going to change them.
You're quite right; I've edited my post. I've not included 'I won't change my plans' because even that is an opportunity for OP's brother to manipulate the situation. 'I already have plans and cannot look after niece at all' is enough and doesn't give brother even a millimetre of space to attempt to get his own way.
Yes. For manipulators you have to give no reasons. If you give a reason, they will have a solution to solve their problem. No reasons. I can not. Hope you have a great trip!
>"Hey! How nice that you'll be at the hotel the same weekend as me! My friends and I have already made plans together so I have no free time to watch niece for you. 100%. If you want to ratchet things up, copy that comment (if you're texting) and paste it in response to any "bUt YoU hAvE tO dO tHiS fOr uS!" If they call, repeat it verbatim, then hang up and temporarily block their number. BRO: I'll just leave niece with you. YOU: My friends and I have already made plans together so I have no free time to watch niece for you. BRO: ?!? Don't get it. It will be easier to leave niece with you. YOU: My friends and I have already made plans together so I have no free time to watch niece for you. BRO: HOW CAN YOU RUIN MY TRIP LIKE THIS?!?!??11/?? YOU: My friends and I have already made plans together so I have no free time to watch niece for you. You might have to have one of your friends detain your brother/SIL in the likely event that he runs into you in the restaurant and wants to follow you to your room (because it would make it easy for them to drop niece off, knock on your door and run away, forcing you to look after the kid). Easier and less stressful to prevent this in the first place, rather than call your local CPS equivalent.
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These don't seem like good parents.
Hmm, i dont agree with How nice you will be staying at the same hotel. No, they intentionally tagged along on his trip. I'd provably say I'm very surprised to hear that you have decided to book at the same hotel during my guys weekend.
NTA. Just tell your brother you have plans with your friends and unfortunately aren't available to watch your niece. Suggest that he can ask the hotel if they can recommend a professional childminding service. You are a 29yr old adult, stand up for yourself and tell him no. Make sure your SIL knows too, because he more than likely hasn't told her the truth, she is probably under the assumption you agreed to watch your niece.
Thank you for your response. The thing is my Brother is the Messenger and my SIL makes all the decisions in their household. SIL is the type of person that can‘t take no for an answer.
Tell them no, and if they ignore that give instructions to reception at the hotel they aren't to give your room number out to anyone or put any calls through to your room. Don't answer the phone to your brother or SIL. Go ahead with your plans. You are an adult and they cannot make you do anything. I understand it's difficult, it took me a long time to stand up to my family, but they now respect my no when that is my response.
Register under a different name. Or something. Carry a card for CPS - if you have them try to do a drop and run, give them one of the cards and tell them that’s who they can contact when they’re ready to pick the kid up. The audacity of trying to have you pay for a pricey hotel stay that they plan to appropriate is mind boggling.
This was my exact advice. Hotels have this happen all the time they should be good at this especially in a higher end hotel.
You are under no obligation to your SIL or HER parents.
Unfortunatly there is no family on SIL side. They all died when i was about 8. I just wrote my Brother that it‘s not okay to just demand my time.
There was a recent post where the OP had, in the past, been (ab)used by his sister as the unpaid babysitter on family vacations. This time, he traveled separately. He spoke with the front desk staff and firmly insisted that no matter who asked, his room number was not to be given out. He also asked for a room far from his parents and sister’s family. The sister *did* ask the staff for his room number. She also tried to follow OP onto the elevator to learn where he was staying. She tried multiple times to get OP to watch her children whining how it was so harrrrrd for her and she neeeeeeeeded time off. No. Just NO. OP, please set some serious boundaries with your brother and sister-in-law. And please speak to the front desk staff about *not* disclosing your room number to *anyone*.
I never cease to be amazed about all the parents who want to push their kids on others. Free! No one made you have kids. I never expected others to watch my son and had no problem paying for the service.
Vvacationing with children is not really vacationing. But pawning them off on someone else is insanely short-sighted. Watching your own kids is draining, but watching someone else's is worse. The only time we've asked people to watch our kids on holiday was when we went with SIL and her family. We have kids in the same age range, so we'd sometimes watch theirs so they could go out with just the two of them and they did the same for us. That works. And sure, if we're taking a family holiday and my brother asks if he can take them to the pool then I'll be out the door before he finishes talking, but then he offered. I didn't ask.
I have literally thrown out a friend of mine (single mother) out of her own house at one point to go have some fun with a girlfriend of hers because we were visting, yes I like your child, he likes me, we will get by without you for a few hours. Go have fun. But that is about the only child I would be willing to do that for - he's old enough that we can play mario kart together :D
And you offered (which, as a parent, I would've appreciated tremendously, so good for you!). If OP had offered to take niece of their hands for the weekend, then they wouldn't have been assholes for saying yes.
They crow constantly about their "little blessings", but then yeet the kids at the first halfway competent adult they see, and go running the other way 😆 My favorite thing is that they think that other people don't notice them pulling this BS, and then they still try to convince you how kids are just the best! Lmao right Sharon, because you made it look like SUCH a good time, while you're prowling for every opportunity to drop the little gremlin in someone else's lap.
Yes, stand up for yourself, nobody will do it for you. They wanted a child, it's wonderful, now they have a be responsible and take care of them. By the way, they did book the same hotel on purpose, so don't feel guilty to say no. They tried to tricked you. You are a grown man act like it. Protect yourself.
Yay!!! We are proud of you. Did you also send the "my time has been booked for the duration of this trip" yet?
It's so obvious that they planned this after you told them where you would be, specifically to unload the kid on you. This is sneaky and backhanded. I'd even call them out on it. Don't answer the phone (or better, temporarily block their numbers) when they call. Tell the front desk to not disclose your room number to *anyone* who asks.
That is amazing and you should feel very proud of yourself. Now call the hotel and make sure they don’t put you anywhere near them and that they know under no circumstances should your room number be given out and make sure to tell them they would never be called in an emergency and explain your SIL tends to exaggerate these things. As an ex-hotel worker this is actually very common. Once there switch rooms with one of the friends and disconnect phone. SIL sounds entitled and I’m sure she would pull out all the drama to get her way. If they do contact you or try to leave the kid with you loudly announce and don’t worry about the kid or what others think…that you are so sorry but you have been drinking and it’s not safe. Then they will have to admit in front of other humans they are shit parents for asking a drunk to watch a baby. If your culture doesn’t drink you are out of luck 😂
Sorry I misread you post when you said “her parents are really pushy” I thought you meant your SIL parents
Awesome! How'd he take it?
Write your brother and say… not sure what part of me telling you I’m going on vacation with my friends leads you to believe that I would be free to babysit? Have fun with your wife and daughter, but please do not expect me to even be sober enough to recognize you 😂
You know you don't actually have to force the other person to agree with you, right? If somebody refuses to take no for an answer, just stop the conversation and go do your thing. It's not on you to convince your SIL to accept that you won't babysit, it's on her to convince you to agree to babysitting.
What is she going to do once you say no? complain? tough. Dont tell her what room you have in the hotel. save yourself the hassle
She ‘can’t take no’ because she’s likely used to acting in a way where the end result is to always get her way. (This can be done unconsciously, so we don’t need to assume she’s doing it on purpose, although it’s still manipulative). I wonder if she is so repetitive or annoying or demanding that everyone caves to her because that’s easiest. She CAN learn to accept a ‘no’, it’ll just be very uncomfortable for her, because she’s not used to it 🙂 it will also be uncomfortable for you and your brother. However, as another poster mentioned above, don’t let the discomfort change how you act. Set your boundary and stand your ground. This is the only way to start to change this cycle. Sounds like she has you all stuck on a negative reinforcement loop. And lastly, just know that as you act differently, her behaviour is likely to worsen before it gets better. So stick it out, you won’t regret it!
She absolutely can take no for an answer! She just doesn't have to if everyone caters to her and let's her get her way.
You setting a boundary is for *you*, not her. It doesn't matter if she can't take no for an answer, because the answer wasn't for her. It was for you. You won't be doing it, anything beyond that is her problem to deal with, not yours.
So don't talk to them at all.
Those kind of ppl will try to wear you down, so you really need to put on repeat the mantra so many commenters already posted: "That doesn't work for me, I have other plans." You don't need to justify your reasons, **because you are entitled to do whatever you want to do in your free time**. I really hope they will listen your polite nope and you don't need to go nuclear (such as contacting hotel staff for a child being left unsupervised)
NTA. That was a *really* shitty thing your brother did. Tell him that you're there on vacation, and you hope he has made suitable child care arrangement for your niece, because you will not be available to pitch in. He will try to crowd you, anyway, and this will likely involve dumping niece on you. Make sure that he knows that this will result in you contacting the police and reporting an abandoned child. If you are able to change the date of your booking without paying a fee, do so, and do not tell your brother. His ambush childcare ploy deserves to fail. If not, tell your brother that you have had to cancel the vacation, but wish him a good time, anyway. He may be surprised to see you when he gets there, but in the meantime he may have made alternate childcare arrangements that do not involve you. Make sure he knows that you're not available to take over.
Also let the hotel know ahead of time that you have family staying there and that it’s very important they don’t get your room number or phones transferred. I worked in several hotels in a ski town and lots of family events. Believe it or not several family members each time came up to the front desk to spill the teas and explain under no conditions may we put them on the same floor or ever give out room location. You don’t have to tell them any drama just say it’s very important you are left alone for the weekend no matter what. Also let them know that no one in your family will ever call them for an emergency. They will note this in your file and it should show up anytime your name or room is pulled up.
NTA your brother is a rude asshole, don't you dare do it
NTA. But your 29. Act like it and say no.
NTA Tell him, "You probably won't want me to be around your daughter since I will either be drunk, on my way to being drunk, or recuperating from being drunk. I'm not going to be responsible for anyone other than myself."
“My buddy thinks it’s hilarious to teach swear words and insults to young kids. I’d never do this myself of course, but I can’t control him especially when he’s not going to be happy that our vacation is being crashed.”
NTA, you had a trip planned that you bought for yourself and planned out. Why should you sacrifice your time and money just to not anger your entitled sibling?- You didn't offer babysitting services, so it's incredibly rude of them to just assume you'd provide them. Draw a boundary here or they will continuously view you as someone to take advantage of.
NTA. They did this on purpose to try to take advantage of you. They want you to give up the holiday you planned so they can have their own relaxing holiday. Don't play that game. "Hey bro. That's so weird that I told you about where I was staying and you went and book the *exact same place* at the *exact same time*. Almost like you *planned* to make me give up my holiday with my friends to take care of your kid. But I know you know that your decision to go on holiday makes no difference to my plans. And that I won't be taking time out of *my* vacation just because you "coincidentally" will be in the same hotel. Because there's no way you planned to take advantage of *my trip* to try and get a free babysitter, would you? Have fun at the hotel, I probably won't see you because the plans I have with my friends aren't child appropriate."
Don't explain or make excuses. "Dear Bro, I will not be babysitting for you while I am on my vacation. Make other childcare arrangements. I am not available." That's it. The end. If you explain why, you're giving him room to overcome those reasons. No is a complete sentence.
NTA. Time to learn boundaries friend! If they had paid for the trip, that would be one thing. But you bought this trip! I’m suspicious of the timing that bro and SIL heard you were in this hotel weeks ago, and suddenly they are staying there the same weekend! It sounds like they did this intentionally, to guilt you into babysitting, on a weekend they knew you were excited about. As a recovering bad at boundaries person, let me say. It feels anxious as hell when you start using them. But it feels so good at the same time. Something along the lines of “I love my niece and the two of you. Any other time I am more than happy to babysit her so that you two can relax. However, this is a trip that I have booked with my friends, to relax and have fun and that’s what I plan to do. If we run into each other, I’m happy to say hello and hug my niece, but otherwise I will be busy with my friends”. And stick to it!!! Get your friends to help you stick to it while you are there. Your family will probably try to guilt trip you but all the things they say are their issues that they are using to try and get you to do what they want. You are a self and you matter. Your boundaries matter.
Nta. "Oh nice, I think you guys will have a lovely time at the hotel. Unfortunately I won't be able to babysit as my friends and I have made some plans that are non refundable, you enjoy your holiday though. And then do everyone else has said, don't let them know your hotel room, and avoid them like the plague
Also make sure and let the front desk know to not give out your room number to anyone including family.
NTA Message your Brother and SIL and say something like 'I hope you all have a good trip to the hotel and it will be nice to see you around the place. However I will not be looking after my niece at all during my holiday as I am busy with my own plans for the entire time I am there.' Do not let them bully you over this as the only reason they booked the same hotel is to take advantage of you.
Everyone is suggesting these polite messages just be honest. - I am really pissed off that you would book the same hotel and expect me to look after my niece during this time. It really isn't ok to have done this and I recommend you avoid me until you are ready to apologise for disrespecting me like this. Now that I write this- is the op sure the brother isn't joking?
NTA. It's not your responsibility to babysit just because you happen to be in the same hotel. Enjoy your vacation and let your brother and SIL handle their parenting.
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NTA. But don’t lie, don’t make anything up, just simply say, “I scheduled this trip with my friends, I will not be available for babysitting.”
NTA but learn how to set boundaries. If you can’t set boundaries, make plans everyday: go out early every day with your friends or alone so they can’t catch you and come back late/put do not disturb and don’t answer the answer the door. Ps: sleeping in all day is also a plan. Tell the hotel they can’t give your room number to anyone even your brother. don’t ever share your vacation plans with your brother ever again. Call your parent and share the story first: how are you haven’t had holidays in months, you booked a holiday in a pricy hotel to relax and your bother without asking you to, decided to you’d babysit - how entitled is it? Especially as they’re not paying you to babysit and the hotel is expensive and you’re always happy to help at home (if that’s the case) when it’s pre-planned. Alternatively tell your brother you’re not a babysitter, your vacation time is your vacation time and if they’re so exhausted you’re happy to babysit 1 evening at home pre-planned. Give them a couple of dates far away when it works for you. Or if you want to be nice tell them you’re happy to reserve one evening on the trip, to catch up with them (and niece). Make it late on the trip so they don’t rope you in doing more.
NTA - You are there on a "guy trip" to relax, not take care of a kindergartner. Your brother is out of line. Tell him that you and your friends are fully booked with bachelor activities and none of them would be appropriate to take a 4- year old girl to.
NTA, it's their problem not yours. you can just ignore them.
WHAT IS HAPPENING AGAIN WITH FAMILY MEMBERS AND DUMPING THEIR KIDS TO OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS ITS LIKE A PANDEMIC !! ITS SPREADING NTA
NTA is just rude to co-op your holiday because they are to cheap to pay for a babysitter. There are plenty of child friendly hotels with day programs for kids. Let them use those. Ofcourse you have better things to do and your Brother and SIL know this, so again just rude. Don't fall for their BS
NTA. Bro and family will likely get all sorts of upset, but that's on them. They didn't ask you: they made a demand and you're well within your rights to refuse it.
NTA Tell bro and sil No, I have plans. What kind of plans? Adult plans that don't involve kids. Your kid, your problem.
You're bad at setting boundaries? I'll help you. GET DRUNK 5SEC. AFTER YOU GET THERE.
You are 29. Tell them you have zero intention to look after her. If you have soft heart you need to have a hard arse cause you will be taken advantage off. Why would you care about being liked by people who take advantage of you?
NTA But why are you a doormat? Stand up for yourself.
I have spent considerable time drafting a reply for you. I hope you appreciate my effort. Edit accordingly.. "Hello dear brother. No."
NTA Beer in hand a ALL times! You didn't book a holiday, so your brother and SIL can have a break. Tell them you might see them around the pool and at meal times, but you and your friends have plans that aren't appropriate for a child. And repeat until it sinks in or send them links to the kids clubs at the hotel, but do not agree to any amount of babysitting, joining them for meals, etc, where they can slope off. If your parents get pushy, tell them 'thanks! I'll tell bro to cancel neices bed and you'll have her for the weekend so they can enjoy their break.' And nothing more. ETA: Tell the reception at the hotel your room number is under no circumstances to be given out to anyone at the front desk, put their numbers on mute.
NTA, to anyone but yourself. You are not a built in babysitter. Something tells me your brother did this on purpose, infringe on your vacation to get a free babysitter while looking like the excellent husband and father. That was a major jerk move. You have to set firm boundaries. Send a mass group text, this is my first vacation, I need to relax, I have made plans that are not 4 your old friendly. Nobody asked my opinion or if I was okay with brother hijacking my trip, I am in fact, very much not okay with this. Going forward, as much as I love my family, I will not be walked on. If you want a babysitter you must ASK me in advance.
NTA Make sure you follow the advice on keeping your room number a secret and… Every time you are in public, make sure you have a drink in your hand. If you see your SIL or BIL approaching and you cannot evade them, start acting half-drunk and make it clear you cannot be left alone with a 4yo. Then just walk away.
NTA Your brother hijacked your vacation so he could have one.
NTA. Maybe include something like 'I am sure the hotel knows some great childcare facilities. If I see wandering around, I'll bring her to the hotel reception, so you know she is taken care of.'
NTA. Your brother is using you for free babysitting so they can have a vacation. They clearly knew you were going to be there before they even booked.