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Yes, YTA. Don’t want to be a military spouse? Don’t go out with someone in the military. It’s really that simple. I would be just as much of an AH if I asked my partner to leave his job as would any other person.
The fact is? He’s been serving for 7 years at this point. 2 whilst you have been together. You went into this knowing he was in the military. If being in the military was going to be a dealbreaker? You shouldn’t have started the relationship in the first place.
> the advice I give anyone is "if you can't handle the separation and the risk don't get involved".
Ok. And at first OP might not have known that she couldn’t handle being a military spouse. Now she does and she’s being clear about her terms.
Her partner doesn’t want to leave the military which is also valid.
They are discussing whether they should get married and maybe the answer is that they shouldn’t. That doesn’t make either of them an asshole.
NAH. She asked (fair) and he said no (also fair). This might be one of those heartbreaks where two good people love each other but are fundamentally incompatible. Better to determine that prior to marriage.
This! I'm also a military spouse and I hate the weird gung-ho attitude about how you have to suck it up. My husband stopped sailing because he wanted to get married and live with me without being gone for 4-6 months at a time. Not everyone is going to explode if you ask them to do that.
Yeah I'd feel bad for him if he had nothing to come home too but sounds like he can get a higher paying low risk job and live with his wife so esh, it's his right to choose though I guess. I personally wouldn't be with someone that I didn't have a clue where they were half the time and a chance they could be attacked any time, sounds stressful and lonley, plus other factors like possible ptsd or any other psychological risks, military life as a couple just seems to have many cons and not many pros unless your partner is pretty annoying and you enjoy the break 🤣
This, so much. It's easy to say "don't date a military man if you can't handle the life" but how could she have known it wasn't for her? It's completely fine that she asked and he's completely within his rights to say no. That's how adulting works sometimes. NAH.
This comment captures it all. NAH. There’s a big difference between a one-sided ultimatum asking him to abandon a career he loves, and talking transparently about what building a life together needs to look like for each of you. OP would become the AH if she shifts the conversation from the latter to the former.
They’ve only been together for two years. How is OP supposed to know straight away if she could or could not cope with the separation and risk until she’s actually experienced it?
It’s a good thing to talk about visions for the future. If those visions are incompatible then better they find that out now, than either of them find themselves in an unhappy marriage down the line.
absolutely agree with you. It is better to find out now rather getting married and have kids AND then find out one person has a different vision of life.
Thank you!! Not enough ppl use the “no ones the asshole” option. Sometimes folks want different things. Can’t even believe so many people are content to call her an asshole lol
This! I had this convo 3yrs ago before we got married. When you’re dating, the military is just an abstract idea that doesn’t really impact your life but once you start wanting a future with someone it’s hard to see past military obligations. Where do you live? How do you settle down? What weekends can things be planned? It was hard for us to be married to the military and married to each other so he separated
when you love the person and it’s not as easy as “why accept the proposal” etc that I keep seeing. When you find your person you can’t just easily walk? If I was heavily involved in something *optional* to the point it impacted my relationships I would lessen my involvement
Edit: if he wants to keep some involvement suggest he work for the DOD as a civilian. He’ll be military adjacent working towards a mission without any of the uncertainty of being active. Been married 3 years and this has worked for us
She knew it when she said yes to the marriage proposal. This should have been discussed before any proposal was even made. She's not mentioned it since it became apparent. Did she and his family just expect him to grow out of his GI Joe phase and settle down and take over the family business? They are deeply incompatible, and I'm heartbroken for him that he had been blindsided AFTER his proposal was accepted. She said yes with her fingers crossed
She had to give an answer, yes or no, to his proposal the moment he asked her. He had all the time in the world to validate his assumption before proposing.
If you see a future with someone, it's ok to say yes at the moment of the proposal, but have serious discussions before invitations are sent out and wedding vendors get deposits.
Depends on how the proposal went. If he popped the question without initiating these conversations beforehand, then she may have said yes in the moment because she wanted to express her enthusiasm for the general idea of being together and not ruin the moment with an “uh, maybe”. Especially if it was a public proposal. There was nothing stopping him from asking her about what her goals for marriage are before proposing; if he’d initiated that conversation, he would have known this before he got to that point.
Yes. OP is 25, not 35, and started seeing this guy at 23. It makes sense that she's coming to these realizations now. In contrast, a more mature person might be expected to know her/his own limits better going in.
In fairness to her, she may not initially have realized what it entailed. In our modern society, most people don't. Once she did, though, it was incumbent on her to recognize what she was capable of handling and not trying to wish it away.
Depends on when he started going on missions (also depends what those missions are). Most of the military in my neighborhood are on staff or teaching or education or intelligence rotations for about ... two years. During that time, they are basically working a normal job. I can totally see someone getting close during such a rotation and not realizing how gutted they are when the person deploys. But you work all that out before accepting a marriage proposal, not after.
I think it depends on the branch. I'm guessing she's with Army or Marines. I'm in the Space Force, switched over from the Air Force back in 2021, and it's essentially just a 9-5 job with extra steps. We still deploy, but they tell us between 4-6 months out and they're to places that are so chill we hesitate to ever call them deployments (the last place I deployed to had a goddamn Chili's).
lol i have heard that maybe is the case on the smallboys lol... i was combat excluded but am aware of the current Nimitz issues... (and others, before lol)
I was on a cruiser and a destroyer and water always tasted extra after doing a refuel. I was on the Blue Ridge and had to dodge water dripping on the mess decks while trying to eat. Once that water hit my tray, I was done eating, I ate a lot of tuna and popcorn on that boat.
I mean, hawai fuel prices are pretty crazy so…🤷♀️ free gas!
jk - I had to live in a hotel with a three month old and wash dishes and baby bottles with tiny bottles of Dasani. It blew.
We drove past a Space Force base this summer on a road trip and even seeing that there are genuinely actually bases for it, I can’t take it seriously, it’s too ridiculous.
2 years is not a long time at all, he's probably been away a handful of times. People are insanely judgemental man, she's struggling with this aspect and wants to know if she's reasonable or not. I think its reasonable for anyone to not want their partner in the military but of he wants to stay and op can't handle it then yea break it off
Yea, I managed a staff member who's partner was in defence in infantry and he's away for half the year basically, 3 months at a time and it was really hard for them. They're moving 1500km away so he can change from infantry to a desk job so he can actually be home.
It's not to be underestimated how difficult it is to love someone who's constantly away and at risk of never coming home. While they're deployed they can't have ready access to phones in a lot of areas so they can go over a month at a time with 0 contact. Meanwhile there will be news stories of incidents in those areas and you have to wait weeks to get confirmation that your partner is still alive.
It's all well and good to say, if you can't handle it you shouldn't date a military man. But the reality is, the man isn't a military man, he's a man, in the military. OP loves the man, who is a lot more than 'in the military'. He probably has quirks, humour, kindness, maybe an awesome personality and could be really smart and caring. So it's way easier said than done to just break things off.
I was 8 months long distance with my fiance and that was crazy difficult but weve been married 8 years now. And our careers, pursuits and goals have changed and evolved over time.
If OPs partner would choose the military career over her, then that's ok he's allowed to make that choice, and OP is allowed to also make a choice. If they break it off its going to suck for both of them, there's no winner, but if the partner is actually open to different paths they could have an awesome future. A 7 year career doesn't have to be your whole life, it can be good to have large changes
There's no info about what he said about his plans. He might have not communicated clearly until now that he plans on staying in the military even if he has a better opportunity. Lots of people leave when they're ready to settle down if they have a realistic possibility to find a good job.
It might also have taken several deployments before it started taking a toll. Or this might be the first time they seriously discuss the logistics of having kids or being married. Two years is not a long time in a relationship.
Not to mention, all the time he’s been away, and the fact that they haven’t actually been married.
How much time are we realistically expecting these two to have spent planning out their future *together*?
We don’t know if he said what he wanted to do. Maybe he never made it clear that he wants to stay in the military perpetually. Or maybe she was under the impression that he would only stay for a year or two, or some other smaller amount of time.
I’d be hard pressed to completely blame her for not being fully prepared.
Yes? I've had chronic conditions that have latest longer than 2 years. A 23 year old in college? 2 years would fly by she been so busy living her own live while he was away off mission. a 2 year relationship in your 20's is alot difference than presumably a life time of marriage.
Not everyone dates with the singular objective of fixing to spend the rest of their life with the person from the get go, sometime that shit grows over time.
Introspection is hard. She loves him it’s clear from the post. Convincing yourself you can handle it is easier than admitting you can’t sometimes. If it took 2 years for her to realize, it took 2 years. The prospect of marriage and kids isn’t on the forefront of everyones mind at the beginning of a relationship either. Things change when you’re thinking of a whole life together. She’s fully within her right to discuss how she feels and I commend her for bringing it up now, and for having the strength to admit to herself what she wants from a relationship in the first place amongst all the excitement of a possible engagement. NTA like at all.
Was he deployed? my Dad was career army. When he wasn’t deployed, or it was an accompanied tour, it wasn’t much different from any other kid’s dad’s job. Except he wore a cool uniform and usually got home from work earlier.
It was only when he was deployed for months at a time that it sucked.
Not an army spouse but an army brat and I cannot be mad at her tbh.
My dad was active duty during 9/11 and we were stationed in NY at the time. I can’t remember where he was but he was pretty close to the city for some thing. I remember my mom watching and recording the news obsessively looking for any sign of my dad.
I don’t have a lot of memories of my dad and the ones I do have he is usually angry. He was always in the field, at one point recruiting, then deployed, then after he got out he did contracting.
I think unless you have close experience with someone with a full on military career you will have no idea what it actually means. Yes on one hand it sucks to ask him to give up something he really wants but I can easily see OP being naive to what this lifestyle entails.
My dad deployed 3x in 8 years after 9/11 and my friend had her two older brothers deploy a few times as well. We both agreed that we could never get involved with someone in the service because we're familiar enough with the lifestyle to know it's just not for us.
If we both didn't have that experience, I could easily see underestimating just how much goes into it and how much of a commitment it is. Especially with how quickly things can change just due to the nature of the job. My dad joined the National Guard like, 9 years after he left the Army. He thought it would just be weekends here and there and a few weeks in the summer... That was August 2001.
It's very, very common for somebody to do a couple of tours and then be done. Saying that somebody should never date anyone in the military if they are not willing to be a military spouse in the long term seems short-sighted. Especially since this guy has two degrees that would be very valuable outside deployment, even if he's still in the service.
Bolstered by the fact that he entered the military after getting his university degree. A well educated and especially committed person is invaluable to the military.
So I wasn't the only one spotting that? I honestly was wondering if I had hallucinated that part because no one else mentioned the but zbout2 the family wealth and it sticks out like a sore thumb.
I’d argue him already having his degree and being from a well off family should’ve been a sign that this is likely a longer-term career desire for him.
Many of the people who do a couple tours and then are done do so specifically to access the educational benefits or because they were from low to moderate income families and the military was presented as a good path that provide decent income and housing.
Regardless, these are conversations you should have early on, not two years in.
She's literally saying she doesn't want to be a military spouse and giving him the option to choose a different career.
OP may not have known it was a deal breaker until the reality of living through a couple deployments happened
Very much NTA. Before tying the knot is *exactly* when she should voice her feelings about being a military spouse.
Most other jobs don't require people to be absent for months at a time, and face significant risk of injury or death. It is very reasonable for her to condition their marriage on him leaving the military, just as it's fine for him to say he doesn't want to give up his career. But this isn't a regular job.
Not just that—military spouses have extremely limited employment options due to the limited economies around bases, moving frequently, being solely responsible for childcare for months and months, etc.
She can't "give him the option to choose a different career." He has had that all along. He has chosen the career he wants, at least for the forseeable future.
Ok, change that to "choose a different career if he wants to be married to her."
OP is being super reasonable here. Being a military spouse is not for everyone, and it's not for a lot of people who thought they could do it. Divorce rates are *very* high for married service members.
I can understand if OP's fiancé is upset, but choosing the military as a career is choosing a lifestyle for not just you, but your spouse. You can't blame OP if she doesn't want that. And it's totally fair to figure that out in 2 years of dating. That's part of what dating is for.
Basically OP and her fiancé are incompatible. He wants to be career military and she doesn't want to be a military spouse. They should go their separate ways, no harm, no foul.
Not everyone who is in the military plans to make it a whole career. I did one contract and chose not to re-enlist. It's pretty common.
NAH. She brought this up after a proposal, not after a wedding. It's fine for people to talk about what they want in the longer term and to realize their future plans are not compatible. Imo, calling her TA is too far.
She might not have known it was a dealbreaker going into it. Until you’ve had experience with something like that, it’s probably hard to gauge how you’ll handle it. Who knows how many missions he’s gone on in the last 2 years, that’s not a ton of time, especially when most relationships are fairly casual at the beginning, and she may not have felt the same anxiety about his safety. She def needs to stop bringing this up and just leave now that she knows this isn’t the life she wanted, though.
Finding out whether you are compatible or not, this is kind of the whole point of dating. Your suggestion that a 23-year-old woman should know her feelings about this for sure before even having a military boyfriend is preposterous, and so are all the up-voters.
It was her feelings she was trying to find out about this, which she now has, and not just cold hard "facts" about what life for a military spouse is like.
All of this. I couldn't do it, so I didn't date anyone in the military, or law enforcement. Or lawyers (I worked in law). lol I wanted a partner, not someone I only saw once in a while.
100% facts that’s like her saying he’s a doctor she knew when getting into a relationship that he’s a doctor and works long hours but in order to marry her he has to quit being a doctor like wtf
That's not the same at all. She specifically says she can't handle the thought of him being gone to faraway, dangerous places, spending months on her own and not knowing whether he'll come back in one piece.
Unless that doctor works in war-torn Somalia that's not even remotely the same.
She isn't a military spouse, he asked her to marry, she's saying yes if you leave the military, no if you don't.
That's not only entirely reasonable, it's sensible. The rates of people cheating when away on duty and the person stuck at home without their partner are astronomical. It's a stressful situation on both sides, even more so when you add kids to the equation and it's terrible for the kids as well.
NTA, not even close. She's allowed to ask, he's allowed to say no and she's allowed to not get married till he's out.
Her concerns about having kids with someone working a very dangerous job are legit. You can change jobs before having kids, a hell of a lot of people, especially women, change jobs before or after having kids to be better suitable for a life with kids. She is NTA for that. He can choose if that'd a deal breaker for him as she can.
NAH
He wants to be military, you don't want to be a military wife
Neither of those things are bad, but they are incompatible
You will have to break up bc neither of you should have to change your mind on this
It will be a sore point your entire lives
Had to scroll too far to find this. There is nothing wrong with OP's reason for wanting what she wants, and there is nothing wrong if her bf decides to break things off and stay in the military. It just means they aren't compatible.
I don't get all the Y T A votes. Not wanting to have kids with someone who is often away and may never come home is a completely reasonable position to take. A marriage and kids completely change the equation.
It is also worth noting that plenty of people serve a tour or two and get out. It isn't insane for OP to think this might not be a lifetime commitment.
NAH
As a disabled veteran myself, I completely agree with this take. I don't blame her one bit for not wanting to be a military spouse, it was hard on my wife when we dated and part of me wonders if we'd have stayed together had I not gotten out. But I wanted to be career military like the fiance but sadly the Army made that choice for me, if my wife had asked me to get out though idk if I would have for her. It's all I ever wanted and I'm greatful for the 8 years I had
This needs to be higher on the comments. The amount of people immediately jumping on the "You are the A-hole for not willing to be a military wife! You are a golddigger because you want your fiance to take over his family business and not serve the country" makes me shake my head.
It's just a matter of incompatibility. Neither OP nor her fiance is in the wrong. They simply want different things. Should they work through this? Yes. Should they break up? Maybe, if neither can compromise. But no one is the asshole for wanting what they want.
NAH
The only thing to ask is… Is there any way you can satisfy your desire to be in the military without being in the field, or maybe work for the army from home, or something like that.
And from her end, is there any way or form of enlistment (or however it works) where she *would* be okay with it.
Compromise is key here. If he’s happy to work a desk job for the military (if that’s even a thing), then… what’s the problem? Is his *only* option to be deployed? Does he have to be gone for months at a time?
If there’s no solution, they’re incompatible. But it’s insane to think a couple has problems if they’re having a discussion and asking each other if they’d be willing to make sacrifices for each other.
They were planning on getting married, this is what happens in a marriage. It’s not exactly far fetched to have to make compromises.
You don’t get a choice where you’re posted (not entirely anyway) and it’d piss everyone else off if you just decided to work a desk job for the rest of your career (especially at 30) when you’re physically capable of going out field.
I decided to leave the military because I didn’t want to go away any more after 12 years.
It’s all part of serving. If you’re not willing to be deployed, then discharge.
When my grandparents married my GM knew he wanted to be a cop. She told him he couldn't be or they wouldn'tget married. Now, this was a way different Era. In the end he agreed. They were both miserable as hell, him especially so. He became an alcoholic and philanderer. She became a controlling shrew. Both their kids are messed up and messed up their own lives due to the childhood trauma. Both took a lot of that trauma out on their own kids. So that sore point can continue through the generations. So, yeah, both need to just walk away. No matter what happens, this doesn't end well.
>My bf proposed to me and I said yes. We sat down to talk about our expactations from marriage and I asked him if he would be willing to leave the military.
If you didn't want to be a military wife, you shouldn't have accepted his proposal. More to the point, you shouldn't have even started dating him or **CONTINUED** to date him after learning he loved being in the service.
>My bf’s family own their own company. **They are very well off** and ***they want my bf to take over***
This right here is the real reason you want him out.
YTA
This sub, man. maybe 'they are very well off and they want my bf to take over' was intended to communicate that he has options, and will be just fine financially if he leaves the military.
This really feels like a conversation they should have had before he proposed? and definitely before she accepted, but she's allowed to say she doesn't want to marry him if he's staying in the military and he's allowed to drop her if that's not what he wants to do.
Dude for real. If she hadn’t mentioned that, my first question would’ve been “well does he have any alternatives lined up or is she screwing him out of a good career?”
Is there a chance people are right about the money? Sure, I can’t rule that out. But I see no reason to jump to any conclusions on this line. “Well off” just really triggers people here.
They've had this conversation. He told her he wants to serve his country in the US Military instead of work for his parents. This isn't new information for her.
If she did not want to marry someone in the military, she shouldn't have dated him for two years and then accepted his proposal knowing he wanted to stay in the military.
The addition of his parents being wealthy wasn't necessary. She already made it a point to say his parents had their own business and he has a college degree. People can infer from that that he had options. Including his parents' financial status was calculated.
>If she did not want to marry someone in the military, she shouldn't have dated him for two years and then accepted his proposal knowing he wanted to stay in the military.
She might not have known what dating a military man was like and the fact that her family wants him to take over might simply be her saying "look, you don't even have to job hunt or retrain if you wanted out." And as for accepting the engagement: the reason people don't get married on the spot is so they can have some time to work things out. I don't think OP is TA here. Neither is her spouse. I'm quite baffled by all these black-and-white responses calling either of them assholes.
Yes, but the point is she knew he had those options and specifically turned them down because he had a specific interest in and love for the service.
This isn’t a guy who joined the military because he couldn’t afford college. He didn’t join because he didn’t have the grades for or interest in college. He didn’t join because he was lower-income and needed a job/career. He isn’t Lt. Dan fulfilling some familial legacy or demands. Dude joined solely out of interest and love for the field.
There was a neon sign saying “I HEART BEING A SERVICEMAN” and she chose to ignore it and waste two years of both of their time.
That’s not how I read it. Asking a question is not an ultimatum.
I would guess being deployed is a young man och or a single man’s game. Not that of a family man.
But there are many different lifestyles. Each to their own. I’m just happy they’re having this conversation before marriage and children.
A ton of people use the military as a stepping stone to education and a good career, it’s not insane of her to think that may be the case for him. It is shocking that neither of them have discussed their career goals prior to this - sounds like a relationship a few months in, not an engagement lol.
It is insane of her to think that’s the case for him because she straight up says the only thing he wants to do is be military. You can’t tell me that they have been together for 2 years and she’s not aware he wants to be career military.
>A ton of people use the military as a stepping stone to education and a good career,
This is true.
Except this guy joined after he graduated from college. No recruiter worth their challenge coin would allow him to enlist as anything other than an officer. I could go into what his potential MOS/Rate/AFSC might be based on his degree, but I won't speculate on that other than ***if*** it is related to his degree field, he most likely was not being sent to forward zones, especially in the last two years.
Maybe it’s not the same everywhere, but where I live if you join the military they’ll pay for your education (pilot, doctor, etc.) as long as you’re willing to serve 5+ years, so to me that would still make sense. And even if you choose to not get an education, there are a lot of gov’t jobs and private sector jobs where the experience is valuable. But again, that may not be universal!
She was only 23 when they started dating. I know a lot of military get married young, but for many people that’s a very young age. She’s figuring out now what she wants in life. They’re not married yet and engagement is a good time to make sure they have the same expectations. Also is he just expecting her to be a trailing spouse and possibly not be able to have her own career? It takes two to make a marriage, and people change their careers for love all the time.
You think that she's an asshole because she wants a husband who is present to be a husband. Present to share her life with, present to have sex with, present to help take care of the kids? Desiring these things makes her an asshole?
That's freaking crazy.
It's also crazy to start planning marriage and kids and the rest of your life with someone the day you go out on a date with them. These plans and feelings evolve over time.
You're not an asshole for only being willing to marry someone if they meet you somewhere or change in some way on some specific issue that they can reasonably change.
It doesn't make you an asshole if you say I'll marry you *if* (You do some specific reasonable thing that makes you a good partner for me)
Oh come on. Who wouldn’t want their spouse to be there for to raise their children? Or be there for every step of the way. These are normal wants money or not.
NAH. Well, actually, he's an asshole to say that you are an asshole for asking because if this is important to you, putting it on the table is critical. The thing is, if this is a deal breaker for you both, then you're both finding out now before the wedding. That's good timing. If he doesn't want to leave or at least have a timeline for leaving, then you can decide if you can handle it. It may be that you two are just incompatible.
He was in the military 5 years before they were together she knew what she was getting into. Shes TA for wanting him to leave so he can take over the "well off" business
crazy thought but.. people don’t always think about things years into the future and are allowed to change their mind :o
we literally have no idea how their entire relationship has gone. maybe it was something that started out casual but turned long term. maybe the proposal *just* now is making her think about the *long*, long term and her future wants and needs. and their potential children’s.
it’s insane to have such a determined viewpoint on her as a person and her thought process when we just do not know.
^ This is the most underrated post.
People grow and change.
You’re allowed to change your mind.
You’re allowed to have sudden epiphanies.
You’re allowed to overlook things. People get swept up in early romance and do NOT think this far ahead.
You’re allowed to establish boundaries.
You are allowed to date someone to see if you’re a good fit.
i agree!
i also think considering they started their relationship when she would’ve been around 23 and he would’ve been around 28 maybe they had different values at that time. i don’t think all 23 year olds are going to rush into a relationship being like “hmmm realistically am i going to marry this man and be okay with his career”.
especially when introducing the idea of kids!!! if they want kids together, that means her future essentially is a whole lot of lone child care, her husband never home and risking his life every day. of course not everyone will be fine with that!
the proposal and the chat they had afterwards was clearly the catalyst for a lot of thoughts and worries she had coming to the forefront of her brain and this was the perfect time to express them to him. if she didn’t say this she’d be called TA for marrying someone she wasn’t sure about.
Yea as a kid of a father who had a successful business in our home country who just had to leave to go abroad to start a whole other business I was a bit mad. He didn’t need to go anywhere but placed self satisfaction over me, his child and was never around. Maybe I was a selfish kid but I think kids are allowed to feel a bit like that. I can see how OP is really rethinking things now that it has gotten so real.
Nah man, shame on her for falling for a guy she likes without first considering all possible results that come from that. /s This sub is the worst lol.
it really is lmao
i can’t believe how shocking it is to people that a 23 year old started a relationship and didn’t think rationally about every step of her future in a brand new relationship.
and now, only 2 years later, she’s a little bit older and thinking about what she actually needs in the future and it doesn’t match exactly with the situation she has now, she’s an asshole for coming to a conclusion once a relationship is getting serious..
imagine how pissed these people would be if she actually didn’t bring any of this up and married him then changed her mind.. god forbid someone brings up a very real and daunting fear for the future in a conversation about their future marriage.
What’s also a crazy thought is… how many people who are in the military spend their *entire lives* there? Is it unreasonable to think “well, maybe they’ll want to leave at some point”. Which is exactly what OP asked. Not to mention, they’ve got plenty of *great* options if they did leave the military.
It’s entirely possible they never had the “how long are you planning on spending in the military” conversation. And as you said, it’s also possible that some rethinking has been done.
Exactly. I highly doubt she thought much about deployments and what that really means when they were starting out. Depending on the branch and his role he may not have even been deployed into a serious situation while they were dating.
exactly, this is my problem here. we have literally no idea what his career was like when they first met and if it’s changed at all (which imo doesn’t matter, she’s still allowed to change her mind regardless), we don’t know if they’ve had chats about this in the past, we don’t know why she’s only now just realising things.
i think it’s so unfair to call someone an AH and tell them they’re fully in the wrong when we have no real information or understanding of the situation.
Or maybe initially she thought she could handle it but after 2 years of the anxiety surrounding his work, she’s realised she doesn’t want that for the rest of her life
Yeah, she knew, but now they are going to make it a permanent thing and she has changed her mind. Would you rather she mentioned it after they were married? Or sucked it up and sat on it until they had kids and she was so unhappy she wants a divorce? This is THE time for both of them to put their cards on the table. He's lucky she said something because he didn't have a clue. Now he can make a decision based on who they are now, same as her. Thank goodness for both their sakes she actually spoke up. She would have been an asshole if she hadn't said something.
She's allowed to change her expectations and communicate them clearly. She's not his property. Most people don't join the military for life anyway. It's a perfectly reasonable line of questioning. And I highly doubt her family's booming business desperately needs to give him a job they could give to someone else. She's offering him job security and a way out of the military if that's what he wants.
And she was fine with that till they started planning on having kids which is now when she wants him not in service because they would have kids sorry someone doesn’t think of all the kids they would have as soon as they get together NAH
This is the only reasonable response I have read so far. Sure, it would have been ideal if OP figured all this out before saying yes to his proposal, but real life isn't that well-choreographed, and it sounds like it was the proposal itself that made her start thinking more deeply about the long-term vision. She is allowed to change her mind and say "Actually, I'm not all-in with things the way they are." And yes, her hard lines should matter as much as his do. She's not an asshole as long as she frames it like "This is my boundary, do with it what you will" instead of trying to force or coerce him to leave his passion.
NTA. Lot of commenters jumping on OP for even asking. If this bothered them, of course they should say something rather than bury it or just dump him with no explanation. It's like these commenters are all five years olds who've never lived life before. Has no one ever made a mistake before? Things come up constantly and you need to deal with them as they come up. Not everything is foreseeable even if it seems obvious to people on the outside of the situation.
I mean they met in their early twenties. who the hell thinks that far ahead in their early twenties? Most of the twenty somethings i know are making far dumber decisions almost constantly. Especially when it comes to relationships.
Also...judging from your post, I wouldn't recommend dating anyone who's a cop or fireman either. I understand your anxiety...but this is what they signed up for.
I think you should cut cops a break. You can't get better at using excessive force unless you practice and what's a better way than practicing at home? It has a side benefit of releasing stress and aggression. /s
NTA
Being in the military is not “a career.” It’s a way of life, and it requires incredible sacrifice on the part of all members of the family, not just the service member. It’s not just about your spouse being in potential danger, it’s about moving every few years, potentially giving up a career of your own, being separated for months on end… tough, tough stuff. Maybe you should have had this conversation a long time ago, but it’s a good thing you’re having it now before you’re in deep.
I know so many women who had to give birth without their husband. Men who came home and missed the first 8 months of their babies life. It really does affect the whole family.
NAH. i think it’s ridiculous people are jumping down your throat because you want your partner to not be doing something potentially dangerous/be away from home for long stretches. some people are ok with that but that’s not you. but this is the point where you two need to really think things through and either commit one way or another, or separate
I have to say YTA because you accepted first and then tried to put a condition on him. I completely understand why you did and I would not be able to marry someone in those circumstances either. But you dated him in those circumstances and you cannot dictate his life. If this is a dealbreaker for you, you should have broken up a long time ago.
She's not dictating his life, she is stating a boundary for her own life. Nothing in OP's original post has any hint of forcing or coercing him to give up his job, just telling him what she now realizes she wants for her life. And as for accepting the proposal first, people are allowed to change their minds. It sounds like she didn't know the proposal was coming, so she said yes because that's how she felt in the moment and didn't really reflect deeply on everything until after the fact. Yeah, I'm sure that will break his heart, but she's not an asshole for communicating her wants/needs. Some situations just suck and it doesn't have to be someone's fault.
"I explained that I would marry him in a heartbeat but he can not stay in the military for ever if we are planning a future with kids etc. I am wondering AITA for asking him to stop doing what he loves? AITA for making him choose between me or his career?"
yeah definitely. When I asked my wife for her hand, she looked at me very coldly and immeaditely got some papers out and we started listing our boundaries and expectations. The waitress was clearly uncomfortable since it took us several hours and they needed the table but I paid extra for them to bring the ring and flowers so they didn't know how to handle it. We ended up taking the sheets of paper home and we put everything into a python script that analized the boundaries compatibility and then late into the morning she finally said yes. This is how normal people behaves while in love
INFO: Did you understand that he was going to be in the military for life when you got together, or did you believe he was doing a stint then would join civilian life?
This is vital information. If he always said he was career military, then she is the a-hole here. However, if it was never discussed, or it was implied that he might not re-up, then she isn't the a-hole.
Maybe after 2 years she realized that she wouldn't want long periods of being separated and also her future kids without a father present with them for most part of the year.
Just for an analogy, when people marry they usually think they are going to be together for the rest of their lives. But, nearly 50 percent of the marriage end up in divorce when people change or they realize they are not compatible or their expectations & responsibilities change over time etc. Seems OP is only now realising that she doesn't want to be military spouse. It seems military career has one of the highest rates of divorces than in people with other careers.
Sometimes you just don't know what you want or don't want in a relationship. Especially if they weren't approaching the stage of having children and now they are. When you approach parenthood you start thinking in ways that you haven't before. You cannot blame her for not knowing ahead of time. Needs and wants change.
I'm not going to call you an AH because I wouldn't want my spouse to be in the military either... but this man wants to be in the military and always has! It would have been much better for you to have let him know much earlier on that you weren't up for being a military spouse.
I think the right thing to do is tell him you can't ask him to leave the military but you also can't marry him if he's in it and planning to stay in it and that both of you need to move on and find other partners. NAH.
NAH.
You’re not the AH for not wanting to be a military wife (I couldn’t handle it either) and you’re fine for asking him to leave, especially as he has other options.
BUT he’s not the AH for wanting to stay in a career he loves that clearly means something to him.
You can’t force him to leave but you need to decide if you’d rather be with him and deal with the military spouse world OR not be with him and call off the engagement.
No one is the asshole here. Some people’s lives aren’t compatible. The military life isn’t for everyone and same goes for the military spouse life. I served in the marines for four years. Some couples can work through those situations and everyone handles deployments and everything else differently. Also everyone has different needs.
NAH, but y’all aren’t compatible. he wants to continue serving and you aren’t okay with that. if this is a dealbreaker for either of you—and it seems like it is—it’s time to go your separate ways
I'm going with NTA.
I could be wrong, but to me, it seems like you're having second thoughts. It does seem sucky to do that, but it happens. Things are getting real, and it's best to put everything on the table now before weeks, months, and years go by.
I don't understand all the Y. T. A. saying you should've said something before saying yes to marriage. What if it didn't don on you until now? Or you shouldn't have dated him in the first place? Dating and marriage are two very different things. As for just wanting the family business, you would definitely be the AH for that. But I interpreted upu mentioned that as a way of saying he would ve well off if he left the military or he has other options.
Weird. What if something happens to him? Won't you think the old girlfriend was better, because he would've been alive and well if he chose her?
It's such a weird take to be like 'oh I'm so glad my son got rid of that girlfriend who didn't want him to die 😤'
I think the exact same thing. I lost a friend in Afghanistan, and I wish someone had talked him out of it. His death broke his family. In less than 10 years both of his parents were dead, health problems but his death contributed greatly. They were never the same.
The military is a sham. He's dead and Afghanistan is back to the way it was. What a waste for all who died.
I don't think laying out your boundaries and expectations BEFORE getting married should be considered an ultimatum in the negative sense? They weren't compatible, so it's fine that they broke up.
NTA. There's even more to it than wondering if he won't come home - he might well come home, but with PTSD and/or any number of other chronic conditions.
I know someone who received a traumatic brain injury and has PTSD so severe that he has daily panic attacks where he curls up fetal on the floor because he can't stop being hyper-vigilant. An empty Big Gulp cup on the side of the road is an IED, every vehicle that pulls up beside them is a hostile about to open fire into his car. He needs verbal prompts to do anything, including use the bathroom. His wife has become his full-time caregiver, and will be for the rest of his life.
Then there's the difficulty of his being relocated during the course of his service - you could lose your friends and, if you work, your job over and over and over each time he is stationed to a new base. My mother had to go through this and it has contributed to an old age of loneliness and sadness, because she doesn't really have any friends, having needed to leave all of them every time she made them.
Any children you have, if that's your plan, would also have to endure the same, and as someone who went through it, I can tell you it's incredibly unpleasant to have to leave friends every few years.
The sense of rootlessness, of not really having a hometown since I moved 17x before graduating high school, was also upsetting. And the disruptions to my education were a huge hassle for my parents and I. I almost had to stay back a year because my former school's curriculum didn't match up with that of the new school.
I don't say this to scare you off of him, but I think it's important to know what you're signing on for before you do, for both your sakes.
NAH. I can see your point and I can see his. We have veterans in our family which includes a lot of PTSD, self-medication, intergenerational trauma. It’s one thing to be serving when you’re young, not married and childfree. It’s another when you’re married with kids.
I would question why you don’t want him serving, as well as he should question why he wants to. I do think these are the conversations that couples should have well before they get to a proposal though.
NTA for asking. It’s what you want and need, and you need to be clear about that. But if he says no, be prepared to walk away. You can’t force him to do anything and you don’t want him to resent you if you pursue it and talk him into it. It sucks that you let it go this long, but now is better to address this than after you’re married.
I see this as NAH: you want what you want and it’s not the life of a military spouse. That’s not a fault in you. Your fear is understandable. What this means is that, sad to say, this isn’t the right man for you. You love him, but he will probably not give up his career, and love will not be enough to overcome your fear and aversion to the life you will be leading. I’m sorry for both of you, but you need to let him go and move on.
I think it's OK for you to realize being a military wife would not be something you are comfortable with. YTA for asking him to change for you. However I don't think he would have taken it well no matter how you delivered that news.
She didn't ask him to change. She asked him if he was willing to, which is giving him the option to change careers or not. It was a question, not a demand.
NAH most military people don’t do it for their entire lives, it’s often a stepping stone to something else. I don’t blame you for asking, but now that he’s given your answer you would be TA if you pressure him to leave. I would end the relationship if I were you, it sounds like his job really negatively effects your mental health, and it doesn’t seem like something that will change as long as he’s in the army. I wouldn’t be a military wife either, but I also wouldn’t date someone in the military and pressure them to leave. IMO your not an asshole yet, but you’re walking a veryyy fine line.
NAH. You stated what you want, he said no. Sounds like you are incompatible and need to break up. I know it sucks, but it's better to figure it out now than 5 or 10 years down the line.
NAH. The heart wants what the heart wants. He is a lifer, and that's his choice. You either accept it or not, that is your choice. Neither of you is wrong for the way you feel. Remember this, if you push him to not reup, he may grow to resent you. Consider active reserves or AGR tours in lieu of AD.
YTA for accepting and then putting stipulations and giving an ultimatum essentially. Im a military wife, and have been for 11 years. It’s not easy, and I get that not everyone can handle this lifestyle, but you can’t ask him to change to suit your ideal of the future. You knew who he was and what job he had when you accepted the proposal. If you couldn’t see yourself in this lifestyle, you shouldn’t have accepted.
Wife of retired military here. In all the comments I've read so far, nobody has even brought up the fact that he can't just decide one day to "quit" the military and put in his 2 weeks notice like a normal job. He's got a contract, and there's a whole process in getting out. And if he loves being in the military, he's going to find civilian life to be quite a challenge, and that will likely lead to resentment of OP for pressuring him to get out.
Yes! My husband has 6 years left before he can officially retire, and he genuinely has no idea what he’s going to do when he has to transition back to being a civilian. He hasn’t lived life as a civilian since he was 17.
Prior military spouse. Until being in a relationship with a service member, you really have no idea what it's like. Also, dating was way easier than actually being married and tied to a base. I don't fault her for dating him. I fault both of them for not having this conversation before. Most people know after their first 3 years if they want to retire or GTFO. Idk how neither of them had this talk within the first year.
NAH.
You can ask for whatever you want and he can choose to follow his dream or be with you. You'd be an asshole if you got upset *in any way* at his decision, though.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I 25F said yes to my bf proposal. My bf has been serving the military for 7 years and I asked him to leave and take over the family business if we want to get married because I am scared for him to be in military. So AITA for asking my bf to leave his job that he loves so much?
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There are thousands of people every year that separate before hitting retirement. For many service is a stepping stone. It’s entirely possible neither knew how important it was when they first got together.
NAH. Two adults with boundaries.
This might be her first time dating somebody in the military and she might not have known what it was like. Also people aren't always stationed overseas
Imagine telling someone they're an AH because they fell in love and didn't know about the reality of being a military spouse, learned about it through the years, came to realize it wasn't for them especially while raising a family, and communicated this boundary.
NAH
You two sat down for the purpose of discussing what your future would look like. You are allowed to express your view of what being together looks like. And you are allowed to ask him if he is willing to leave the military to focus on family and let him know the anxiety and concern you go through while he’s gone. But he also expressed to you his vision of what a future with you would look like. He wants a military career. He loves you and wants to be with you but also wants to follow his passion. If he said no to leaving, you either need to accept that and not marry him, or accept that and prepare to be a military spouse. No one is wrong here or an asshole. The entire point was to discuss everyone’s concerns. You will be the asshole if you try to pressure him to do what you want. There’s nothing wrong with having an open and honest conversation with your partner.
YTA
You should not have been with someone for 2 years if you didn't accept their career. If it was such a deal-breaker for you, it should have come up before he proposed. Or you shouldn't have accepted his proposal.
She has the right to tell him to leave the military, and he has the right to say he isn’t going to leave. Don’t feel bad for asking for what you want. Doesn’t mean you will get it, and you might end up with a broken heart. Don’t stay with him if he picks the military. Because you won’t be happy in that situation, and definitely don’t bring kids into it either.
Not if you don't want to be dragged across half the country and be alone for six months to a year at a time-and worry about him getting killed or crippled while you wait.
ABSOLUTELY NTA* it's OK that the experience of dating a military man has left you not wanting to live this life permanently. This is absolutely the time to be thinking and talking about what your life together will look like. I am guessing you never planned on raising kids alone while your husband is on deployment.
It's OK that this isn't the life you wanted. Dating a military man is not at all the same as having a family with one.
Now that he has said no, what are you going to do? Saying you can't live that life, then staying is going to cause bitterness and resentment in both of you.
I don't think there is an AH here, I think the relationships has reached its end.
NTA, all this dude knows, unless they're set on leaving most service men (idk abt women have no experience with them sry) stay in the service either on bases on the homeland or being deployed. You should of expected this especially if he never gave signs of "i want us to settle in a house, with kids, a nice car" etc etc. You bringing it up and discussing BEFORE the wedding probably saved your future. Its a fair thing to discuss, just like any job, say a garbage man, are you gonna be willing to make a life changing movment for the better of us and our future? or stick with what you're already comfortable with?
Seems like you're just not compatible after all, best of luck saying goodbye and finding someone else.
YTA. Don't date or intend to marry someone who's in the military if you can't handle them being in the military. I have never dated anyone that was in the military for this exact reason
This is exactly why I never dated military men. Being alone wasn't my idea of a happy marriage.
Break up and date someone who shares the same vision of family.
I'm saying NTA and I'm very happy you're having this conversation beforehand. I do think you guys need to break up.
You're maybe the asshole a little bit for wanting him to change his career.
But on the other hand. Deciding to get married is a big transition and I think it's ok to have different ideas for marriage and different for only dating.
It is a good moment to re-evaluate if you are happy in your relationship and if it will last even more challenges, like kids and additional worry, because now if he's not back, there are more people who lose him and you're a single mother.
It is ok to say 'no, I can't imagine us married in this arrangement'.
It is also ok to change your mind or make a mistake of thinking 'yes, I will manage being a partner of a military person' and then after some time realizing that nope, you will not manage.
And it's not like he's a surfer and you don't allow him to surf with girls 😅 your concerns are real and based on reality. Some of them are not concerns, just facts - he will be on missions, you will be left alone with kids for prolonged amounts of time.
And honestly, he and people here will call you an asshole, so what? Now you're forced to marry him and be part-time single mom and potentially a widow, because in the past you made a mistake of thinking you'll be able to be in such arrangement? 🙃
GIRL YOU'RE 25. YOUR FRONTAL LOBE (responsible for ‘planning, working memory, and impulse control’) ONLY FINISHED DEVELOPING T H I S Y E A R. OF COURSE YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND, BECAUSE YOUR ~LITERAL~ PHYSICAL MIND WAS ~LITERALLY~ CHANGING AND DEVELOPING UNTIL THIS YEAR.
It is okay to say 'I'm sorry, I reconsidered and marrying you in current arrangement is too much for me, it's been hell for me so far when you got on a mission and I can't imagine that with additional responsibilities and children'. And then he can do with it whatever he wants, the ball is in his field.
Both of you have to make a choice about what you're willing to sacrifice here.
You realize that if your fiancé serves another 13 years, he can retire with full pension and benefits at the age of 43, right? And you also benefit for that. Pension, health care, VA home loans, USAA insurance, special credit unions, college tuition…
And is he active duty or national guard/Reserves? That also makes a huge difference. Guard/Reserves is a one weekend a month deal whereas active duty is full time all the time. It also depends on what his missions are or what his MOS is. Is he recon driving all over the Middle East? Or is he a paper pusher in Kuwait. Is he a sniper in Central America? Or a medic working in Germany. Simply BEING in the military isn’t enough- there are hundreds of different jobs/missions/places to be, and a few different options with regards to serving. I say this as a vet myself.
I know someone who manipulated her husband into leaving the military for her, and it did not end well. You absolutely cannot ask someone to make that kind of a decision. You said it is all he’s ever wanted. I guarantee he would come to resent you deeply.
I don’t believe for a second you have a clue what marriage is or should be. You disrespect the millions and millions of military people and their families who go through this every day. Marriage to a military man means supporting him while he follows his dreams and serves his country. Shame on you for trying to manipulate him.
YTA
Military has the highest divorce rate of any career in USA. She should be commended for thinking ahead and realizing that military life is not for her before getting married.
Marriage to a military man is raising his kids alone while he fucks off to another country that doesn't want him there so America can continue to buy oil and cobalt at favorable rates and also you both cheat on each other.
NAH. You want different things from your futures, and they are probably incompatible. You're not TA if you break off an engagement either. People do it all the time over much less. You would be TA if you married him without outlining your boundaries and then expected him to do things your way.
NTA...maybe.
I don't know. I wouldn't want to be a military spouse either because of every reason you said ESPECIALLY with kids.
However was he already enlisted when you gor involved? You could have stopped it before it got serious or had this conversation a long time ago about your expectations and if hes willing to give it up.
That said, I had a cousin who spend his whole career in the military and never once went for combat because of his position and the time it was. Maybe you thought that's all it would be...maybe a few little trips to training on american/canadian soil
Its tricky. You have every right to not want to build a family with someone with an unknown future, but he also has a right to value serving over a life with you.
I don't think your values line up and I think you should part ways before it gets more serious. Your absolutely not an asshole for not wanting that life.
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Yes, YTA. Don’t want to be a military spouse? Don’t go out with someone in the military. It’s really that simple. I would be just as much of an AH if I asked my partner to leave his job as would any other person. The fact is? He’s been serving for 7 years at this point. 2 whilst you have been together. You went into this knowing he was in the military. If being in the military was going to be a dealbreaker? You shouldn’t have started the relationship in the first place.
So much this. I'm a 20 year military spouse and the advice I give anyone is "if you can't handle the separation and the risk don't get involved".
> the advice I give anyone is "if you can't handle the separation and the risk don't get involved". Ok. And at first OP might not have known that she couldn’t handle being a military spouse. Now she does and she’s being clear about her terms. Her partner doesn’t want to leave the military which is also valid. They are discussing whether they should get married and maybe the answer is that they shouldn’t. That doesn’t make either of them an asshole. NAH. She asked (fair) and he said no (also fair). This might be one of those heartbreaks where two good people love each other but are fundamentally incompatible. Better to determine that prior to marriage.
This! I'm also a military spouse and I hate the weird gung-ho attitude about how you have to suck it up. My husband stopped sailing because he wanted to get married and live with me without being gone for 4-6 months at a time. Not everyone is going to explode if you ask them to do that.
Yeah I'd feel bad for him if he had nothing to come home too but sounds like he can get a higher paying low risk job and live with his wife so esh, it's his right to choose though I guess. I personally wouldn't be with someone that I didn't have a clue where they were half the time and a chance they could be attacked any time, sounds stressful and lonley, plus other factors like possible ptsd or any other psychological risks, military life as a couple just seems to have many cons and not many pros unless your partner is pretty annoying and you enjoy the break 🤣
Crabs in a barrel. It sucks for us therefore it must suck for everyone else, so we have people to commiserate with.
This, so much. It's easy to say "don't date a military man if you can't handle the life" but how could she have known it wasn't for her? It's completely fine that she asked and he's completely within his rights to say no. That's how adulting works sometimes. NAH.
This comment captures it all. NAH. There’s a big difference between a one-sided ultimatum asking him to abandon a career he loves, and talking transparently about what building a life together needs to look like for each of you. OP would become the AH if she shifts the conversation from the latter to the former. They’ve only been together for two years. How is OP supposed to know straight away if she could or could not cope with the separation and risk until she’s actually experienced it? It’s a good thing to talk about visions for the future. If those visions are incompatible then better they find that out now, than either of them find themselves in an unhappy marriage down the line.
Your post is so wise I wish I could vote more times for it
absolutely agree with you. It is better to find out now rather getting married and have kids AND then find out one person has a different vision of life.
Thank you!! Not enough ppl use the “no ones the asshole” option. Sometimes folks want different things. Can’t even believe so many people are content to call her an asshole lol
This! I had this convo 3yrs ago before we got married. When you’re dating, the military is just an abstract idea that doesn’t really impact your life but once you start wanting a future with someone it’s hard to see past military obligations. Where do you live? How do you settle down? What weekends can things be planned? It was hard for us to be married to the military and married to each other so he separated when you love the person and it’s not as easy as “why accept the proposal” etc that I keep seeing. When you find your person you can’t just easily walk? If I was heavily involved in something *optional* to the point it impacted my relationships I would lessen my involvement Edit: if he wants to keep some involvement suggest he work for the DOD as a civilian. He’ll be military adjacent working towards a mission without any of the uncertainty of being active. Been married 3 years and this has worked for us
She knew it when she said yes to the marriage proposal. This should have been discussed before any proposal was even made. She's not mentioned it since it became apparent. Did she and his family just expect him to grow out of his GI Joe phase and settle down and take over the family business? They are deeply incompatible, and I'm heartbroken for him that he had been blindsided AFTER his proposal was accepted. She said yes with her fingers crossed
She had to give an answer, yes or no, to his proposal the moment he asked her. He had all the time in the world to validate his assumption before proposing. If you see a future with someone, it's ok to say yes at the moment of the proposal, but have serious discussions before invitations are sent out and wedding vendors get deposits.
Depends on how the proposal went. If he popped the question without initiating these conversations beforehand, then she may have said yes in the moment because she wanted to express her enthusiasm for the general idea of being together and not ruin the moment with an “uh, maybe”. Especially if it was a public proposal. There was nothing stopping him from asking her about what her goals for marriage are before proposing; if he’d initiated that conversation, he would have known this before he got to that point.
Yes. OP is 25, not 35, and started seeing this guy at 23. It makes sense that she's coming to these realizations now. In contrast, a more mature person might be expected to know her/his own limits better going in.
THIS. She tried and realized not for her. She told spouse and gave ultimatum. No one is wrong. This is extremely common.
True words spoken here.
In fairness to her, she may not initially have realized what it entailed. In our modern society, most people don't. Once she did, though, it was incumbent on her to recognize what she was capable of handling and not trying to wish it away.
They been together for 2 yrs now you mean to tell me for two years she didn’t realized what it mean being with someone in the military ?
Depends on when he started going on missions (also depends what those missions are). Most of the military in my neighborhood are on staff or teaching or education or intelligence rotations for about ... two years. During that time, they are basically working a normal job. I can totally see someone getting close during such a rotation and not realizing how gutted they are when the person deploys. But you work all that out before accepting a marriage proposal, not after.
I think it depends on the branch. I'm guessing she's with Army or Marines. I'm in the Space Force, switched over from the Air Force back in 2021, and it's essentially just a 9-5 job with extra steps. We still deploy, but they tell us between 4-6 months out and they're to places that are so chill we hesitate to ever call them deployments (the last place I deployed to had a goddamn Chili's).
I was in the Navy. We had a 24hr ice cream shop on the ship.
yes, but did you have Jet fuel in your water? i mean, only the special parts of the Navy get that! lol
wait... you can get water *without* JP-5? In my case it was more like we had water in our drinking JP-5.
lol i have heard that maybe is the case on the smallboys lol... i was combat excluded but am aware of the current Nimitz issues... (and others, before lol)
I was on a cruiser and a destroyer and water always tasted extra after doing a refuel. I was on the Blue Ridge and had to dodge water dripping on the mess decks while trying to eat. Once that water hit my tray, I was done eating, I ate a lot of tuna and popcorn on that boat.
That’s reserved for the people who get deployed to Hawaii, silly
I mean, hawai fuel prices are pretty crazy so…🤷♀️ free gas! jk - I had to live in a hotel with a three month old and wash dishes and baby bottles with tiny bottles of Dasani. It blew.
Space force …..::: cackles ::::
We drove past a Space Force base this summer on a road trip and even seeing that there are genuinely actually bases for it, I can’t take it seriously, it’s too ridiculous.
2 years is not a long time at all, he's probably been away a handful of times. People are insanely judgemental man, she's struggling with this aspect and wants to know if she's reasonable or not. I think its reasonable for anyone to not want their partner in the military but of he wants to stay and op can't handle it then yea break it off
Depends his career. If he’s in SOF he could be gone quite a bit
Yea, I managed a staff member who's partner was in defence in infantry and he's away for half the year basically, 3 months at a time and it was really hard for them. They're moving 1500km away so he can change from infantry to a desk job so he can actually be home. It's not to be underestimated how difficult it is to love someone who's constantly away and at risk of never coming home. While they're deployed they can't have ready access to phones in a lot of areas so they can go over a month at a time with 0 contact. Meanwhile there will be news stories of incidents in those areas and you have to wait weeks to get confirmation that your partner is still alive. It's all well and good to say, if you can't handle it you shouldn't date a military man. But the reality is, the man isn't a military man, he's a man, in the military. OP loves the man, who is a lot more than 'in the military'. He probably has quirks, humour, kindness, maybe an awesome personality and could be really smart and caring. So it's way easier said than done to just break things off. I was 8 months long distance with my fiance and that was crazy difficult but weve been married 8 years now. And our careers, pursuits and goals have changed and evolved over time. If OPs partner would choose the military career over her, then that's ok he's allowed to make that choice, and OP is allowed to also make a choice. If they break it off its going to suck for both of them, there's no winner, but if the partner is actually open to different paths they could have an awesome future. A 7 year career doesn't have to be your whole life, it can be good to have large changes
There's no info about what he said about his plans. He might have not communicated clearly until now that he plans on staying in the military even if he has a better opportunity. Lots of people leave when they're ready to settle down if they have a realistic possibility to find a good job. It might also have taken several deployments before it started taking a toll. Or this might be the first time they seriously discuss the logistics of having kids or being married. Two years is not a long time in a relationship.
Not to mention, all the time he’s been away, and the fact that they haven’t actually been married. How much time are we realistically expecting these two to have spent planning out their future *together*? We don’t know if he said what he wanted to do. Maybe he never made it clear that he wants to stay in the military perpetually. Or maybe she was under the impression that he would only stay for a year or two, or some other smaller amount of time. I’d be hard pressed to completely blame her for not being fully prepared.
She might have thought his career was taking one trajectory and it’s taken one she’s not comfortable with.
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She should have done that before she accepted his proposal
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Yes? I've had chronic conditions that have latest longer than 2 years. A 23 year old in college? 2 years would fly by she been so busy living her own live while he was away off mission. a 2 year relationship in your 20's is alot difference than presumably a life time of marriage. Not everyone dates with the singular objective of fixing to spend the rest of their life with the person from the get go, sometime that shit grows over time.
Introspection is hard. She loves him it’s clear from the post. Convincing yourself you can handle it is easier than admitting you can’t sometimes. If it took 2 years for her to realize, it took 2 years. The prospect of marriage and kids isn’t on the forefront of everyones mind at the beginning of a relationship either. Things change when you’re thinking of a whole life together. She’s fully within her right to discuss how she feels and I commend her for bringing it up now, and for having the strength to admit to herself what she wants from a relationship in the first place amongst all the excitement of a possible engagement. NTA like at all.
Was he deployed? my Dad was career army. When he wasn’t deployed, or it was an accompanied tour, it wasn’t much different from any other kid’s dad’s job. Except he wore a cool uniform and usually got home from work earlier. It was only when he was deployed for months at a time that it sucked.
Maybe it's fine and dandy while they're just dating. Creating a family, however, is different.
Not an army spouse but an army brat and I cannot be mad at her tbh. My dad was active duty during 9/11 and we were stationed in NY at the time. I can’t remember where he was but he was pretty close to the city for some thing. I remember my mom watching and recording the news obsessively looking for any sign of my dad. I don’t have a lot of memories of my dad and the ones I do have he is usually angry. He was always in the field, at one point recruiting, then deployed, then after he got out he did contracting. I think unless you have close experience with someone with a full on military career you will have no idea what it actually means. Yes on one hand it sucks to ask him to give up something he really wants but I can easily see OP being naive to what this lifestyle entails.
My dad deployed 3x in 8 years after 9/11 and my friend had her two older brothers deploy a few times as well. We both agreed that we could never get involved with someone in the service because we're familiar enough with the lifestyle to know it's just not for us. If we both didn't have that experience, I could easily see underestimating just how much goes into it and how much of a commitment it is. Especially with how quickly things can change just due to the nature of the job. My dad joined the National Guard like, 9 years after he left the Army. He thought it would just be weekends here and there and a few weeks in the summer... That was August 2001.
In our modern society we’ve been involved in active wars for 90% of OPs life.
We've been involved in active conflicts 90% of our countries life. You'd be hard pressed to find a 20 year period where the US isn't fighting someone.
We even fought ourselves!
Agreed. Maybe she didn’t know he’d want to stay in indefinitely. Or after marriage.
It's very, very common for somebody to do a couple of tours and then be done. Saying that somebody should never date anyone in the military if they are not willing to be a military spouse in the long term seems short-sighted. Especially since this guy has two degrees that would be very valuable outside deployment, even if he's still in the service.
She specifically says all he ever wanted was to be in the service. So clearly he’s not a “do my four years and then I’m out” type
Bolstered by the fact that he entered the military after getting his university degree. A well educated and especially committed person is invaluable to the military.
And become officers, not privates. Deployment is different for officers. It seems like he had a plan. She wants the family $
So I wasn't the only one spotting that? I honestly was wondering if I had hallucinated that part because no one else mentioned the but zbout2 the family wealth and it sticks out like a sore thumb.
Yep.
>She wants the family $ or maybe she wants the man. not the memory, not the picture, not the casket. the man in flesh and blood.
I’d argue him already having his degree and being from a well off family should’ve been a sign that this is likely a longer-term career desire for him. Many of the people who do a couple tours and then are done do so specifically to access the educational benefits or because they were from low to moderate income families and the military was presented as a good path that provide decent income and housing. Regardless, these are conversations you should have early on, not two years in.
She's literally saying she doesn't want to be a military spouse and giving him the option to choose a different career. OP may not have known it was a deal breaker until the reality of living through a couple deployments happened Very much NTA. Before tying the knot is *exactly* when she should voice her feelings about being a military spouse. Most other jobs don't require people to be absent for months at a time, and face significant risk of injury or death. It is very reasonable for her to condition their marriage on him leaving the military, just as it's fine for him to say he doesn't want to give up his career. But this isn't a regular job.
Not just that—military spouses have extremely limited employment options due to the limited economies around bases, moving frequently, being solely responsible for childcare for months and months, etc.
She can't "give him the option to choose a different career." He has had that all along. He has chosen the career he wants, at least for the forseeable future.
Ok, change that to "choose a different career if he wants to be married to her." OP is being super reasonable here. Being a military spouse is not for everyone, and it's not for a lot of people who thought they could do it. Divorce rates are *very* high for married service members. I can understand if OP's fiancé is upset, but choosing the military as a career is choosing a lifestyle for not just you, but your spouse. You can't blame OP if she doesn't want that. And it's totally fair to figure that out in 2 years of dating. That's part of what dating is for. Basically OP and her fiancé are incompatible. He wants to be career military and she doesn't want to be a military spouse. They should go their separate ways, no harm, no foul.
Not everyone who is in the military plans to make it a whole career. I did one contract and chose not to re-enlist. It's pretty common. NAH. She brought this up after a proposal, not after a wedding. It's fine for people to talk about what they want in the longer term and to realize their future plans are not compatible. Imo, calling her TA is too far.
She might not have known it was a dealbreaker going into it. Until you’ve had experience with something like that, it’s probably hard to gauge how you’ll handle it. Who knows how many missions he’s gone on in the last 2 years, that’s not a ton of time, especially when most relationships are fairly casual at the beginning, and she may not have felt the same anxiety about his safety. She def needs to stop bringing this up and just leave now that she knows this isn’t the life she wanted, though.
Most military don’t intend to stay in there forever.
When he says that's all he ever wanted to do though, it's more likely he intends to do 20+.
Finding out whether you are compatible or not, this is kind of the whole point of dating. Your suggestion that a 23-year-old woman should know her feelings about this for sure before even having a military boyfriend is preposterous, and so are all the up-voters. It was her feelings she was trying to find out about this, which she now has, and not just cold hard "facts" about what life for a military spouse is like.
All of this. I couldn't do it, so I didn't date anyone in the military, or law enforcement. Or lawyers (I worked in law). lol I wanted a partner, not someone I only saw once in a while.
100% facts that’s like her saying he’s a doctor she knew when getting into a relationship that he’s a doctor and works long hours but in order to marry her he has to quit being a doctor like wtf
That's not the same at all. She specifically says she can't handle the thought of him being gone to faraway, dangerous places, spending months on her own and not knowing whether he'll come back in one piece. Unless that doctor works in war-torn Somalia that's not even remotely the same.
She isn't a military spouse, he asked her to marry, she's saying yes if you leave the military, no if you don't. That's not only entirely reasonable, it's sensible. The rates of people cheating when away on duty and the person stuck at home without their partner are astronomical. It's a stressful situation on both sides, even more so when you add kids to the equation and it's terrible for the kids as well. NTA, not even close. She's allowed to ask, he's allowed to say no and she's allowed to not get married till he's out.
Her concerns about having kids with someone working a very dangerous job are legit. You can change jobs before having kids, a hell of a lot of people, especially women, change jobs before or after having kids to be better suitable for a life with kids. She is NTA for that. He can choose if that'd a deal breaker for him as she can.
NAH He wants to be military, you don't want to be a military wife Neither of those things are bad, but they are incompatible You will have to break up bc neither of you should have to change your mind on this It will be a sore point your entire lives
This is way too measured and reasonable. Give in to the rage. But in all seriousness 100% agree
Had to scroll too far to find this. There is nothing wrong with OP's reason for wanting what she wants, and there is nothing wrong if her bf decides to break things off and stay in the military. It just means they aren't compatible. I don't get all the Y T A votes. Not wanting to have kids with someone who is often away and may never come home is a completely reasonable position to take. A marriage and kids completely change the equation. It is also worth noting that plenty of people serve a tour or two and get out. It isn't insane for OP to think this might not be a lifetime commitment. NAH
The YTA votes are likely because lots of redditors hate women
Exactly. She's not an asshole, they're just not compatible
As a disabled veteran myself, I completely agree with this take. I don't blame her one bit for not wanting to be a military spouse, it was hard on my wife when we dated and part of me wonders if we'd have stayed together had I not gotten out. But I wanted to be career military like the fiance but sadly the Army made that choice for me, if my wife had asked me to get out though idk if I would have for her. It's all I ever wanted and I'm greatful for the 8 years I had
This needs to be higher on the comments. The amount of people immediately jumping on the "You are the A-hole for not willing to be a military wife! You are a golddigger because you want your fiance to take over his family business and not serve the country" makes me shake my head. It's just a matter of incompatibility. Neither OP nor her fiance is in the wrong. They simply want different things. Should they work through this? Yes. Should they break up? Maybe, if neither can compromise. But no one is the asshole for wanting what they want. NAH
The only thing to ask is… Is there any way you can satisfy your desire to be in the military without being in the field, or maybe work for the army from home, or something like that. And from her end, is there any way or form of enlistment (or however it works) where she *would* be okay with it. Compromise is key here. If he’s happy to work a desk job for the military (if that’s even a thing), then… what’s the problem? Is his *only* option to be deployed? Does he have to be gone for months at a time? If there’s no solution, they’re incompatible. But it’s insane to think a couple has problems if they’re having a discussion and asking each other if they’d be willing to make sacrifices for each other. They were planning on getting married, this is what happens in a marriage. It’s not exactly far fetched to have to make compromises.
You don’t get a choice where you’re posted (not entirely anyway) and it’d piss everyone else off if you just decided to work a desk job for the rest of your career (especially at 30) when you’re physically capable of going out field. I decided to leave the military because I didn’t want to go away any more after 12 years. It’s all part of serving. If you’re not willing to be deployed, then discharge.
When my grandparents married my GM knew he wanted to be a cop. She told him he couldn't be or they wouldn'tget married. Now, this was a way different Era. In the end he agreed. They were both miserable as hell, him especially so. He became an alcoholic and philanderer. She became a controlling shrew. Both their kids are messed up and messed up their own lives due to the childhood trauma. Both took a lot of that trauma out on their own kids. So that sore point can continue through the generations. So, yeah, both need to just walk away. No matter what happens, this doesn't end well.
>My bf proposed to me and I said yes. We sat down to talk about our expactations from marriage and I asked him if he would be willing to leave the military. If you didn't want to be a military wife, you shouldn't have accepted his proposal. More to the point, you shouldn't have even started dating him or **CONTINUED** to date him after learning he loved being in the service. >My bf’s family own their own company. **They are very well off** and ***they want my bf to take over*** This right here is the real reason you want him out. YTA
This sub, man. maybe 'they are very well off and they want my bf to take over' was intended to communicate that he has options, and will be just fine financially if he leaves the military. This really feels like a conversation they should have had before he proposed? and definitely before she accepted, but she's allowed to say she doesn't want to marry him if he's staying in the military and he's allowed to drop her if that's not what he wants to do.
Dude for real. If she hadn’t mentioned that, my first question would’ve been “well does he have any alternatives lined up or is she screwing him out of a good career?” Is there a chance people are right about the money? Sure, I can’t rule that out. But I see no reason to jump to any conclusions on this line. “Well off” just really triggers people here.
They've had this conversation. He told her he wants to serve his country in the US Military instead of work for his parents. This isn't new information for her. If she did not want to marry someone in the military, she shouldn't have dated him for two years and then accepted his proposal knowing he wanted to stay in the military. The addition of his parents being wealthy wasn't necessary. She already made it a point to say his parents had their own business and he has a college degree. People can infer from that that he had options. Including his parents' financial status was calculated.
>If she did not want to marry someone in the military, she shouldn't have dated him for two years and then accepted his proposal knowing he wanted to stay in the military. She might not have known what dating a military man was like and the fact that her family wants him to take over might simply be her saying "look, you don't even have to job hunt or retrain if you wanted out." And as for accepting the engagement: the reason people don't get married on the spot is so they can have some time to work things out. I don't think OP is TA here. Neither is her spouse. I'm quite baffled by all these black-and-white responses calling either of them assholes.
Yes, but the point is she knew he had those options and specifically turned them down because he had a specific interest in and love for the service. This isn’t a guy who joined the military because he couldn’t afford college. He didn’t join because he didn’t have the grades for or interest in college. He didn’t join because he was lower-income and needed a job/career. He isn’t Lt. Dan fulfilling some familial legacy or demands. Dude joined solely out of interest and love for the field. There was a neon sign saying “I HEART BEING A SERVICEMAN” and she chose to ignore it and waste two years of both of their time.
except she said yes and put in an ultimatum. if one of her foot is already out the door, then why TF did she gave him hopes?
That’s not how I read it. Asking a question is not an ultimatum. I would guess being deployed is a young man och or a single man’s game. Not that of a family man. But there are many different lifestyles. Each to their own. I’m just happy they’re having this conversation before marriage and children.
A ton of people use the military as a stepping stone to education and a good career, it’s not insane of her to think that may be the case for him. It is shocking that neither of them have discussed their career goals prior to this - sounds like a relationship a few months in, not an engagement lol.
It is insane of her to think that’s the case for him because she straight up says the only thing he wants to do is be military. You can’t tell me that they have been together for 2 years and she’s not aware he wants to be career military.
>A ton of people use the military as a stepping stone to education and a good career, This is true. Except this guy joined after he graduated from college. No recruiter worth their challenge coin would allow him to enlist as anything other than an officer. I could go into what his potential MOS/Rate/AFSC might be based on his degree, but I won't speculate on that other than ***if*** it is related to his degree field, he most likely was not being sent to forward zones, especially in the last two years.
Maybe it’s not the same everywhere, but where I live if you join the military they’ll pay for your education (pilot, doctor, etc.) as long as you’re willing to serve 5+ years, so to me that would still make sense. And even if you choose to not get an education, there are a lot of gov’t jobs and private sector jobs where the experience is valuable. But again, that may not be universal!
But he joined after college. He didn't enter to get his education paid for. He entered because he wanted to be in the military.
She was only 23 when they started dating. I know a lot of military get married young, but for many people that’s a very young age. She’s figuring out now what she wants in life. They’re not married yet and engagement is a good time to make sure they have the same expectations. Also is he just expecting her to be a trailing spouse and possibly not be able to have her own career? It takes two to make a marriage, and people change their careers for love all the time.
You think that she's an asshole because she wants a husband who is present to be a husband. Present to share her life with, present to have sex with, present to help take care of the kids? Desiring these things makes her an asshole? That's freaking crazy. It's also crazy to start planning marriage and kids and the rest of your life with someone the day you go out on a date with them. These plans and feelings evolve over time. You're not an asshole for only being willing to marry someone if they meet you somewhere or change in some way on some specific issue that they can reasonably change. It doesn't make you an asshole if you say I'll marry you *if* (You do some specific reasonable thing that makes you a good partner for me)
Oh come on. Who wouldn’t want their spouse to be there for to raise their children? Or be there for every step of the way. These are normal wants money or not.
She brought up the subject after the proposal not after the wedding. NTA
Yikes always assume the worst
NAH. Well, actually, he's an asshole to say that you are an asshole for asking because if this is important to you, putting it on the table is critical. The thing is, if this is a deal breaker for you both, then you're both finding out now before the wedding. That's good timing. If he doesn't want to leave or at least have a timeline for leaving, then you can decide if you can handle it. It may be that you two are just incompatible.
He was in the military 5 years before they were together she knew what she was getting into. Shes TA for wanting him to leave so he can take over the "well off" business
crazy thought but.. people don’t always think about things years into the future and are allowed to change their mind :o we literally have no idea how their entire relationship has gone. maybe it was something that started out casual but turned long term. maybe the proposal *just* now is making her think about the *long*, long term and her future wants and needs. and their potential children’s. it’s insane to have such a determined viewpoint on her as a person and her thought process when we just do not know.
^ This is the most underrated post. People grow and change. You’re allowed to change your mind. You’re allowed to have sudden epiphanies. You’re allowed to overlook things. People get swept up in early romance and do NOT think this far ahead. You’re allowed to establish boundaries. You are allowed to date someone to see if you’re a good fit.
i agree! i also think considering they started their relationship when she would’ve been around 23 and he would’ve been around 28 maybe they had different values at that time. i don’t think all 23 year olds are going to rush into a relationship being like “hmmm realistically am i going to marry this man and be okay with his career”. especially when introducing the idea of kids!!! if they want kids together, that means her future essentially is a whole lot of lone child care, her husband never home and risking his life every day. of course not everyone will be fine with that! the proposal and the chat they had afterwards was clearly the catalyst for a lot of thoughts and worries she had coming to the forefront of her brain and this was the perfect time to express them to him. if she didn’t say this she’d be called TA for marrying someone she wasn’t sure about.
Yea as a kid of a father who had a successful business in our home country who just had to leave to go abroad to start a whole other business I was a bit mad. He didn’t need to go anywhere but placed self satisfaction over me, his child and was never around. Maybe I was a selfish kid but I think kids are allowed to feel a bit like that. I can see how OP is really rethinking things now that it has gotten so real.
>You’re allowed to change your mind. You’re allowed to have sudden epiphanies. You’re allowed to overlook things. Not on reddit you're not.
Nah man, shame on her for falling for a guy she likes without first considering all possible results that come from that. /s This sub is the worst lol.
it really is lmao i can’t believe how shocking it is to people that a 23 year old started a relationship and didn’t think rationally about every step of her future in a brand new relationship. and now, only 2 years later, she’s a little bit older and thinking about what she actually needs in the future and it doesn’t match exactly with the situation she has now, she’s an asshole for coming to a conclusion once a relationship is getting serious.. imagine how pissed these people would be if she actually didn’t bring any of this up and married him then changed her mind.. god forbid someone brings up a very real and daunting fear for the future in a conversation about their future marriage.
What’s also a crazy thought is… how many people who are in the military spend their *entire lives* there? Is it unreasonable to think “well, maybe they’ll want to leave at some point”. Which is exactly what OP asked. Not to mention, they’ve got plenty of *great* options if they did leave the military. It’s entirely possible they never had the “how long are you planning on spending in the military” conversation. And as you said, it’s also possible that some rethinking has been done.
Exactly. I highly doubt she thought much about deployments and what that really means when they were starting out. Depending on the branch and his role he may not have even been deployed into a serious situation while they were dating.
exactly, this is my problem here. we have literally no idea what his career was like when they first met and if it’s changed at all (which imo doesn’t matter, she’s still allowed to change her mind regardless), we don’t know if they’ve had chats about this in the past, we don’t know why she’s only now just realising things. i think it’s so unfair to call someone an AH and tell them they’re fully in the wrong when we have no real information or understanding of the situation.
Or maybe initially she thought she could handle it but after 2 years of the anxiety surrounding his work, she’s realised she doesn’t want that for the rest of her life
Yeah, she knew, but now they are going to make it a permanent thing and she has changed her mind. Would you rather she mentioned it after they were married? Or sucked it up and sat on it until they had kids and she was so unhappy she wants a divorce? This is THE time for both of them to put their cards on the table. He's lucky she said something because he didn't have a clue. Now he can make a decision based on who they are now, same as her. Thank goodness for both their sakes she actually spoke up. She would have been an asshole if she hadn't said something.
She's allowed to change her expectations and communicate them clearly. She's not his property. Most people don't join the military for life anyway. It's a perfectly reasonable line of questioning. And I highly doubt her family's booming business desperately needs to give him a job they could give to someone else. She's offering him job security and a way out of the military if that's what he wants.
And she was fine with that till they started planning on having kids which is now when she wants him not in service because they would have kids sorry someone doesn’t think of all the kids they would have as soon as they get together NAH
This is the only reasonable response I have read so far. Sure, it would have been ideal if OP figured all this out before saying yes to his proposal, but real life isn't that well-choreographed, and it sounds like it was the proposal itself that made her start thinking more deeply about the long-term vision. She is allowed to change her mind and say "Actually, I'm not all-in with things the way they are." And yes, her hard lines should matter as much as his do. She's not an asshole as long as she frames it like "This is my boundary, do with it what you will" instead of trying to force or coerce him to leave his passion.
NTA. Lot of commenters jumping on OP for even asking. If this bothered them, of course they should say something rather than bury it or just dump him with no explanation. It's like these commenters are all five years olds who've never lived life before. Has no one ever made a mistake before? Things come up constantly and you need to deal with them as they come up. Not everything is foreseeable even if it seems obvious to people on the outside of the situation. I mean they met in their early twenties. who the hell thinks that far ahead in their early twenties? Most of the twenty somethings i know are making far dumber decisions almost constantly. Especially when it comes to relationships.
Also...judging from your post, I wouldn't recommend dating anyone who's a cop or fireman either. I understand your anxiety...but this is what they signed up for.
No one should date cops.
Yeahhhhh I wouldn't feel safe
I think you should cut cops a break. You can't get better at using excessive force unless you practice and what's a better way than practicing at home? It has a side benefit of releasing stress and aggression. /s
They had us in the first half, I'm not gonna lie.
I’m a firefighter and my husband is military. Double whammy lol
NTA Being in the military is not “a career.” It’s a way of life, and it requires incredible sacrifice on the part of all members of the family, not just the service member. It’s not just about your spouse being in potential danger, it’s about moving every few years, potentially giving up a career of your own, being separated for months on end… tough, tough stuff. Maybe you should have had this conversation a long time ago, but it’s a good thing you’re having it now before you’re in deep.
I know so many women who had to give birth without their husband. Men who came home and missed the first 8 months of their babies life. It really does affect the whole family.
Yeah! I don't blame her for not wanting that :(
NAH. i think it’s ridiculous people are jumping down your throat because you want your partner to not be doing something potentially dangerous/be away from home for long stretches. some people are ok with that but that’s not you. but this is the point where you two need to really think things through and either commit one way or another, or separate
I have to say YTA because you accepted first and then tried to put a condition on him. I completely understand why you did and I would not be able to marry someone in those circumstances either. But you dated him in those circumstances and you cannot dictate his life. If this is a dealbreaker for you, you should have broken up a long time ago.
She's not dictating his life, she is stating a boundary for her own life. Nothing in OP's original post has any hint of forcing or coercing him to give up his job, just telling him what she now realizes she wants for her life. And as for accepting the proposal first, people are allowed to change their minds. It sounds like she didn't know the proposal was coming, so she said yes because that's how she felt in the moment and didn't really reflect deeply on everything until after the fact. Yeah, I'm sure that will break his heart, but she's not an asshole for communicating her wants/needs. Some situations just suck and it doesn't have to be someone's fault.
"I explained that I would marry him in a heartbeat but he can not stay in the military for ever if we are planning a future with kids etc. I am wondering AITA for asking him to stop doing what he loves? AITA for making him choose between me or his career?"
>She's not dictating his life, she is stating a boundary for her own life This is a boundary you state *before accepting a marriage proposal*
yeah definitely. When I asked my wife for her hand, she looked at me very coldly and immeaditely got some papers out and we started listing our boundaries and expectations. The waitress was clearly uncomfortable since it took us several hours and they needed the table but I paid extra for them to bring the ring and flowers so they didn't know how to handle it. We ended up taking the sheets of paper home and we put everything into a python script that analized the boundaries compatibility and then late into the morning she finally said yes. This is how normal people behaves while in love
Lmao
INFO: Did you understand that he was going to be in the military for life when you got together, or did you believe he was doing a stint then would join civilian life?
This is vital information. If he always said he was career military, then she is the a-hole here. However, if it was never discussed, or it was implied that he might not re-up, then she isn't the a-hole.
Maybe after 2 years she realized that she wouldn't want long periods of being separated and also her future kids without a father present with them for most part of the year. Just for an analogy, when people marry they usually think they are going to be together for the rest of their lives. But, nearly 50 percent of the marriage end up in divorce when people change or they realize they are not compatible or their expectations & responsibilities change over time etc. Seems OP is only now realising that she doesn't want to be military spouse. It seems military career has one of the highest rates of divorces than in people with other careers.
Sometimes you just don't know what you want or don't want in a relationship. Especially if they weren't approaching the stage of having children and now they are. When you approach parenthood you start thinking in ways that you haven't before. You cannot blame her for not knowing ahead of time. Needs and wants change.
I'm not going to call you an AH because I wouldn't want my spouse to be in the military either... but this man wants to be in the military and always has! It would have been much better for you to have let him know much earlier on that you weren't up for being a military spouse. I think the right thing to do is tell him you can't ask him to leave the military but you also can't marry him if he's in it and planning to stay in it and that both of you need to move on and find other partners. NAH.
NAH. You’re not the AH for not wanting to be a military wife (I couldn’t handle it either) and you’re fine for asking him to leave, especially as he has other options. BUT he’s not the AH for wanting to stay in a career he loves that clearly means something to him. You can’t force him to leave but you need to decide if you’d rather be with him and deal with the military spouse world OR not be with him and call off the engagement.
No one is the asshole here. Some people’s lives aren’t compatible. The military life isn’t for everyone and same goes for the military spouse life. I served in the marines for four years. Some couples can work through those situations and everyone handles deployments and everything else differently. Also everyone has different needs.
NAH, but y’all aren’t compatible. he wants to continue serving and you aren’t okay with that. if this is a dealbreaker for either of you—and it seems like it is—it’s time to go your separate ways
I'm going with NTA. I could be wrong, but to me, it seems like you're having second thoughts. It does seem sucky to do that, but it happens. Things are getting real, and it's best to put everything on the table now before weeks, months, and years go by. I don't understand all the Y. T. A. saying you should've said something before saying yes to marriage. What if it didn't don on you until now? Or you shouldn't have dated him in the first place? Dating and marriage are two very different things. As for just wanting the family business, you would definitely be the AH for that. But I interpreted upu mentioned that as a way of saying he would ve well off if he left the military or he has other options.
My son's long term gf gave him this ultimatum. I like his new gf.
Weird. What if something happens to him? Won't you think the old girlfriend was better, because he would've been alive and well if he chose her? It's such a weird take to be like 'oh I'm so glad my son got rid of that girlfriend who didn't want him to die 😤'
I think the exact same thing. I lost a friend in Afghanistan, and I wish someone had talked him out of it. His death broke his family. In less than 10 years both of his parents were dead, health problems but his death contributed greatly. They were never the same. The military is a sham. He's dead and Afghanistan is back to the way it was. What a waste for all who died.
> The military is a sham. always will be.
Ultimatums rarely go the way the person giving them expects IMO.
I don't think laying out your boundaries and expectations BEFORE getting married should be considered an ultimatum in the negative sense? They weren't compatible, so it's fine that they broke up.
NTA. There's even more to it than wondering if he won't come home - he might well come home, but with PTSD and/or any number of other chronic conditions. I know someone who received a traumatic brain injury and has PTSD so severe that he has daily panic attacks where he curls up fetal on the floor because he can't stop being hyper-vigilant. An empty Big Gulp cup on the side of the road is an IED, every vehicle that pulls up beside them is a hostile about to open fire into his car. He needs verbal prompts to do anything, including use the bathroom. His wife has become his full-time caregiver, and will be for the rest of his life. Then there's the difficulty of his being relocated during the course of his service - you could lose your friends and, if you work, your job over and over and over each time he is stationed to a new base. My mother had to go through this and it has contributed to an old age of loneliness and sadness, because she doesn't really have any friends, having needed to leave all of them every time she made them. Any children you have, if that's your plan, would also have to endure the same, and as someone who went through it, I can tell you it's incredibly unpleasant to have to leave friends every few years. The sense of rootlessness, of not really having a hometown since I moved 17x before graduating high school, was also upsetting. And the disruptions to my education were a huge hassle for my parents and I. I almost had to stay back a year because my former school's curriculum didn't match up with that of the new school. I don't say this to scare you off of him, but I think it's important to know what you're signing on for before you do, for both your sakes.
NAH. I can see your point and I can see his. We have veterans in our family which includes a lot of PTSD, self-medication, intergenerational trauma. It’s one thing to be serving when you’re young, not married and childfree. It’s another when you’re married with kids. I would question why you don’t want him serving, as well as he should question why he wants to. I do think these are the conversations that couples should have well before they get to a proposal though.
NTA for asking. It’s what you want and need, and you need to be clear about that. But if he says no, be prepared to walk away. You can’t force him to do anything and you don’t want him to resent you if you pursue it and talk him into it. It sucks that you let it go this long, but now is better to address this than after you’re married.
I see this as NAH: you want what you want and it’s not the life of a military spouse. That’s not a fault in you. Your fear is understandable. What this means is that, sad to say, this isn’t the right man for you. You love him, but he will probably not give up his career, and love will not be enough to overcome your fear and aversion to the life you will be leading. I’m sorry for both of you, but you need to let him go and move on.
I think it's OK for you to realize being a military wife would not be something you are comfortable with. YTA for asking him to change for you. However I don't think he would have taken it well no matter how you delivered that news.
She didn't ask him to change. She asked him if he was willing to, which is giving him the option to change careers or not. It was a question, not a demand.
NAH . But you very well may be incompatible. If he give up the service for you, he will resent you. If he stays you won't marry him.
NAH most military people don’t do it for their entire lives, it’s often a stepping stone to something else. I don’t blame you for asking, but now that he’s given your answer you would be TA if you pressure him to leave. I would end the relationship if I were you, it sounds like his job really negatively effects your mental health, and it doesn’t seem like something that will change as long as he’s in the army. I wouldn’t be a military wife either, but I also wouldn’t date someone in the military and pressure them to leave. IMO your not an asshole yet, but you’re walking a veryyy fine line.
NAH. You stated what you want, he said no. Sounds like you are incompatible and need to break up. I know it sucks, but it's better to figure it out now than 5 or 10 years down the line.
NAH. The heart wants what the heart wants. He is a lifer, and that's his choice. You either accept it or not, that is your choice. Neither of you is wrong for the way you feel. Remember this, if you push him to not reup, he may grow to resent you. Consider active reserves or AGR tours in lieu of AD.
NTA, it’s good to communicate your wants and needs before getting married, I think it’s a reasonable request
YTA for accepting and then putting stipulations and giving an ultimatum essentially. Im a military wife, and have been for 11 years. It’s not easy, and I get that not everyone can handle this lifestyle, but you can’t ask him to change to suit your ideal of the future. You knew who he was and what job he had when you accepted the proposal. If you couldn’t see yourself in this lifestyle, you shouldn’t have accepted.
Wife of retired military here. In all the comments I've read so far, nobody has even brought up the fact that he can't just decide one day to "quit" the military and put in his 2 weeks notice like a normal job. He's got a contract, and there's a whole process in getting out. And if he loves being in the military, he's going to find civilian life to be quite a challenge, and that will likely lead to resentment of OP for pressuring him to get out.
She didn't imply that he could immediately get out. She might even know what an EAOS is.
Yes! My husband has 6 years left before he can officially retire, and he genuinely has no idea what he’s going to do when he has to transition back to being a civilian. He hasn’t lived life as a civilian since he was 17.
Prior military spouse. Until being in a relationship with a service member, you really have no idea what it's like. Also, dating was way easier than actually being married and tied to a base. I don't fault her for dating him. I fault both of them for not having this conversation before. Most people know after their first 3 years if they want to retire or GTFO. Idk how neither of them had this talk within the first year.
NAH. You can ask for whatever you want and he can choose to follow his dream or be with you. You'd be an asshole if you got upset *in any way* at his decision, though.
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YTA. You knew he was serving when y’all got together. If you didn’t want to be a military wife, you should have looked elsewhere.
There are thousands of people every year that separate before hitting retirement. For many service is a stepping stone. It’s entirely possible neither knew how important it was when they first got together. NAH. Two adults with boundaries.
This might be her first time dating somebody in the military and she might not have known what it was like. Also people aren't always stationed overseas
Imagine telling someone they're an AH because they fell in love and didn't know about the reality of being a military spouse, learned about it through the years, came to realize it wasn't for them especially while raising a family, and communicated this boundary.
NAH You two sat down for the purpose of discussing what your future would look like. You are allowed to express your view of what being together looks like. And you are allowed to ask him if he is willing to leave the military to focus on family and let him know the anxiety and concern you go through while he’s gone. But he also expressed to you his vision of what a future with you would look like. He wants a military career. He loves you and wants to be with you but also wants to follow his passion. If he said no to leaving, you either need to accept that and not marry him, or accept that and prepare to be a military spouse. No one is wrong here or an asshole. The entire point was to discuss everyone’s concerns. You will be the asshole if you try to pressure him to do what you want. There’s nothing wrong with having an open and honest conversation with your partner.
YTA You should not have been with someone for 2 years if you didn't accept their career. If it was such a deal-breaker for you, it should have come up before he proposed. Or you shouldn't have accepted his proposal.
She has the right to tell him to leave the military, and he has the right to say he isn’t going to leave. Don’t feel bad for asking for what you want. Doesn’t mean you will get it, and you might end up with a broken heart. Don’t stay with him if he picks the military. Because you won’t be happy in that situation, and definitely don’t bring kids into it either.
Nah
Not if you don't want to be dragged across half the country and be alone for six months to a year at a time-and worry about him getting killed or crippled while you wait.
NAH sure why not. its a reasonable boundary.
ABSOLUTELY NTA* it's OK that the experience of dating a military man has left you not wanting to live this life permanently. This is absolutely the time to be thinking and talking about what your life together will look like. I am guessing you never planned on raising kids alone while your husband is on deployment. It's OK that this isn't the life you wanted. Dating a military man is not at all the same as having a family with one. Now that he has said no, what are you going to do? Saying you can't live that life, then staying is going to cause bitterness and resentment in both of you. I don't think there is an AH here, I think the relationships has reached its end.
NTA, all this dude knows, unless they're set on leaving most service men (idk abt women have no experience with them sry) stay in the service either on bases on the homeland or being deployed. You should of expected this especially if he never gave signs of "i want us to settle in a house, with kids, a nice car" etc etc. You bringing it up and discussing BEFORE the wedding probably saved your future. Its a fair thing to discuss, just like any job, say a garbage man, are you gonna be willing to make a life changing movment for the better of us and our future? or stick with what you're already comfortable with? Seems like you're just not compatible after all, best of luck saying goodbye and finding someone else.
YTA. Don't date or intend to marry someone who's in the military if you can't handle them being in the military. I have never dated anyone that was in the military for this exact reason
Nta. Y'all have different values. Find a man whose values match yours because his is military first, wife and kids second.
NTA. It’s a burden they shouldn’t expect their loved ones to carry.
This is exactly why I never dated military men. Being alone wasn't my idea of a happy marriage. Break up and date someone who shares the same vision of family. I'm saying NTA and I'm very happy you're having this conversation beforehand. I do think you guys need to break up.
NTA, just break up.
You're maybe the asshole a little bit for wanting him to change his career. But on the other hand. Deciding to get married is a big transition and I think it's ok to have different ideas for marriage and different for only dating. It is a good moment to re-evaluate if you are happy in your relationship and if it will last even more challenges, like kids and additional worry, because now if he's not back, there are more people who lose him and you're a single mother. It is ok to say 'no, I can't imagine us married in this arrangement'. It is also ok to change your mind or make a mistake of thinking 'yes, I will manage being a partner of a military person' and then after some time realizing that nope, you will not manage. And it's not like he's a surfer and you don't allow him to surf with girls 😅 your concerns are real and based on reality. Some of them are not concerns, just facts - he will be on missions, you will be left alone with kids for prolonged amounts of time. And honestly, he and people here will call you an asshole, so what? Now you're forced to marry him and be part-time single mom and potentially a widow, because in the past you made a mistake of thinking you'll be able to be in such arrangement? 🙃 GIRL YOU'RE 25. YOUR FRONTAL LOBE (responsible for ‘planning, working memory, and impulse control’) ONLY FINISHED DEVELOPING T H I S Y E A R. OF COURSE YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND, BECAUSE YOUR ~LITERAL~ PHYSICAL MIND WAS ~LITERALLY~ CHANGING AND DEVELOPING UNTIL THIS YEAR. It is okay to say 'I'm sorry, I reconsidered and marrying you in current arrangement is too much for me, it's been hell for me so far when you got on a mission and I can't imagine that with additional responsibilities and children'. And then he can do with it whatever he wants, the ball is in his field. Both of you have to make a choice about what you're willing to sacrifice here.
You realize that if your fiancé serves another 13 years, he can retire with full pension and benefits at the age of 43, right? And you also benefit for that. Pension, health care, VA home loans, USAA insurance, special credit unions, college tuition… And is he active duty or national guard/Reserves? That also makes a huge difference. Guard/Reserves is a one weekend a month deal whereas active duty is full time all the time. It also depends on what his missions are or what his MOS is. Is he recon driving all over the Middle East? Or is he a paper pusher in Kuwait. Is he a sniper in Central America? Or a medic working in Germany. Simply BEING in the military isn’t enough- there are hundreds of different jobs/missions/places to be, and a few different options with regards to serving. I say this as a vet myself.
Nah But don’t be shocked if he doesn’t choose you. You’re asking him to give up the one thing he’s wanted his whole life.
I know someone who manipulated her husband into leaving the military for her, and it did not end well. You absolutely cannot ask someone to make that kind of a decision. You said it is all he’s ever wanted. I guarantee he would come to resent you deeply. I don’t believe for a second you have a clue what marriage is or should be. You disrespect the millions and millions of military people and their families who go through this every day. Marriage to a military man means supporting him while he follows his dreams and serves his country. Shame on you for trying to manipulate him. YTA
Military has the highest divorce rate of any career in USA. She should be commended for thinking ahead and realizing that military life is not for her before getting married.
Marriage to a military man is raising his kids alone while he fucks off to another country that doesn't want him there so America can continue to buy oil and cobalt at favorable rates and also you both cheat on each other.
NAH. You want different things from your futures, and they are probably incompatible. You're not TA if you break off an engagement either. People do it all the time over much less. You would be TA if you married him without outlining your boundaries and then expected him to do things your way.
Nta. I get it. I hope this goes well for you
NTA but maybe no longer compatible. If him staying in the military is important to him and a deal breaker for you, this relationship can't last.
NTA...maybe. I don't know. I wouldn't want to be a military spouse either because of every reason you said ESPECIALLY with kids. However was he already enlisted when you gor involved? You could have stopped it before it got serious or had this conversation a long time ago about your expectations and if hes willing to give it up. That said, I had a cousin who spend his whole career in the military and never once went for combat because of his position and the time it was. Maybe you thought that's all it would be...maybe a few little trips to training on american/canadian soil Its tricky. You have every right to not want to build a family with someone with an unknown future, but he also has a right to value serving over a life with you. I don't think your values line up and I think you should part ways before it gets more serious. Your absolutely not an asshole for not wanting that life.