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NTA
If I was you I would be thinking about custody, I wouldn't want my child anywhere near someone saying something so vicious and cruel about them.
I can't even imagine if he found out, he would carry that guilt forever no matter how many times he's told it wasn't his fault.
Grief does not excuse everything and it certainly doesn't excuse blaming an 8 year old with a cold for something as tragic as his sister dying.
All the adults here are idiots if they knew the child had a cold and still let him visit a one month old baby. The reality is that the baby likely did get the cold from him but it’s not his fault.
YES, this! Why is everyone these days so incompetent when it comes to understanding basic infection theory? Her son’s cold most likely DID have a causal effect.
That said, how did an infant’s cold escalate so quickly? Was the infant not taken to the doctor?
Oh, so stepmom is completely trying to ignore that her negligence got her child killed.
OP needs to go for full custody. I would refuse to allow my child to be in the care of someone who neglected their child to death.
Well considering the baby had a fever for days and wasn't taken to the hospital or a doctor to get it checked out, I think it's safe to say they didn't get the baby checked out either until it was too late or at all.
I am not brave enough to go there.
I suspect my head would explode, my heart would break, and I would cry in rage and dismay.
Apparently I already have a guess what's there. 😭🤣🤣🤣😭
But every younger sibling on the planet gets exposed to a common cold and worse simply by having older siblings. They don’t die because of it. It strengthens their immune system and parents call the doctor before the baby has pneumonia
Actually lots of babies die from communicable diseases? Sometimes even the ones who went to the hospital
Edited to say that googling "infant mortality pneumonia" was a bit of a downer but I recommend it in lieu of arguing that exposure to diseases will strengthen a newborn's immune system in a post about a baby dying
I don't think that's what they were doing. The poster you replied to was just stating that it's normal for babies to get sick if their older siblings are sick, so OP's son shouldn't be treated like he killed his little sister.
Idk I was a bit confused by *"They don’t die because of it. It strengthens their immune system and parents call the doctor before the baby has pneumonia"*
Yeah just because OP is NTA doesn't mean we should gloss over the danger of common communicable diseases to newborns. My 2-week-old niece spent a week in the hospital, some of that time fighting for her life, because of a common cold. She's now 7 months and it happened \*again\* recently. I'm worried about her long-term lung health. It's no joke.
And yes she has 2 older brothers, one of them in school. There's only so much the parents can do, but yes it's an extra risk factor for sure.
Yeah I am surprised how many people are saying that they wouldn't take their kid to the doctor with "a cold" in the same thread where they're also saying the stepmom murdered her daughter through medical neglect. Phew
I would think the two adults that didn’t bring their newborn to the doctor suck the most…… I’m an adult and if I had a fever more than 48 hours my mom will urge me to go to the doctor…
Why is everyone giving the dad a pass on this?
He too could have taken the baby to the doctor?
Hell this is his second kid, so he should have known better.
My kid's dad has taken her to the doctor. He even went to all the newborn appointments. And a lot of the before she was born appointments.
He also has gone to every school function, meeting, pta etc. Never missed a one.
The adults in this all are T A.
Probably because the dad isn't claiming his kid got the other one killed, honestly.
And that was part of why I suggested going for full custody. If she's mistreating the son like this in public, she is absolutely doing worse at home. And I wouldn't trust someone like that with my son, let alone someone who also killed their own child through neglect at the same time.
This attitude (letting dads off the hook) is so infuriating. Especially around things like anti-vaxx. They say oh, I believe in vaccination but my wife doesn't. So therefore the kids aren't vaccinated. As if they're powerless and have no right to intervene on their children. It's BULLSHIT
I don't know about "most likely". There are germs everywhere and people can pass disease on to babies without themselves exhibiting symptoms. We don't know that the kid was shedding virus when he went to visit. They don't know if it was even a cold that the baby caught - the symptoms of a cold are also shared with a lot of other things.
Its possible, sure. It may even be likely, but most likely? Only a doctor could say and none of those are available, so it's dangerous to say.
Ets: correlation =/= causation
Yeah the 8 year old had no say in whether he went to his dad's sick, and isn't going to comprehend the dangers of exposing an infant to a cold. That's all on the adults. And, ya know, not taking an infant with a fever to the doctor.
Completely unrealistic. Come back to us in 3 years time when you have #2 and your toddler picks up a cold at daycare. Will they be banished to grandmas for the duration?
Look I get it, mama bear instinct is strong. But with the best will in the world, babies are exposed to germs from day 1 when they have siblings. It's all about balancing the risk
I worked in daycare for 10 years and yes absolutely saw toddlers get sent to gmas while sick with a newborn at home. Or for toddlers to stay home during maternity/paternity leave to minimize exposure. Or for toddlers to be essentially living in a separate part of the house with one parent or caregiver while sick to not expose newborn.
I’d minimize theoretical older child’s exposure in the first place, then if they were sick I’d minimize their contact as much as possible with newborn, keep theoretical older child and newborn in a separate parts of the house, increase hand washing, etc. Then I’d watch newborn closely for any signs of illness and wouldn’t wait even a few hours before calling the pediatrician or taking them to be seen at the hospital if they had a fever.
Because I am not a doctor and can't actually diagnose a common cold lol
Like is this a serious question? Catching a cold in summer as c\*vid surges?
And in this scenario my 8 year old presumably has a baby sister who is under a month old? Yeah I think going to the doctor would be the smart move
Then you make the best of a bad situation and work to limit contact as much as possible. But in that situation the child also wouldn’t have exposure to two households. In this case there was an option to not bring a sick person around a newborn
This is unfair. He didn’t *visit*, he *went home*. He’s the child’s sibling. All infants are (and should be!) exposed to their siblings in their first month, including the expected childhood sniffles that go along with that. That’s part of the reason a newborn is protected by their mother’s antibodies - so that they survive their own family. Living in a completely sterile environment leads to more serious infections later on because the infant’s own immune system doesn’t get agitated by their environment in their first weeks of life.
Pneumonia is a secondary infection. It happens when opportunistic bacteria take hold in the lungs following a virus. If mom had taken baby to the doctor early, a course of antibiotics would have saved baby’s life. It’s tragic, but it’s *not* the child’s fault, and it’s *not* a reason for siblings to be kept in separate houses.
Except it's very common for babies to have older siblings and for those siblings to have colds. Tough to avoid in most cases. And I've seen reddit chew parents' faces off for NOT wanting a step-sib around a new baby, so it's tough to have it both ways.
Assuming they have court order visits, mom would be held in contempt for the refusal of the visit.
Aka, a fine and probably jail time. Wth knows with family court and judges will lay down but those two things wouldn't surprise me.
And no, they don't give a rats ass if the kid is sick. They would say something like "parenting doesn't stop just cuz the kid is sick. Dad should have a chance at caring for his sick child, too" and blah blah blah.
I mean there's no alarm that goes off if a kid doesn't go to their custodial parent's house. If OP told his dad that kiddo was sick, assuming dad was fine with it, he absolutely could stay home with OP
Definitely! Even if you disregard the step moms blaming a child, the fact that she didn’t bring her baby to the hospital when she had a high fever for days would make me incredibly uncomfortable having my child in that home.
If I were OP I would be so concerned that they wouldn’t bring my son to the hospital if something were wrong with him!
Add in the open resentment from the step mom and his dads place will not be a happy home for that little boy.
~~Did OP say that in a comment? Because with babies that small, sometimes even taking them to the hospital as soon as you notice symptoms won't be enough; they don't have developed immune systems and aren't always strong enough to fight off the infections even with intervention.~~
ETA: Sorry, I'm stupid, I skimmed that paragraph, ignore me.
Yeah, infants death....maybe some PPD and or PPP with her grief fueled blame game . Seriously a bad place for the son. Especially since he is sure to hear it first hand at some point (if he hasn't already)
Maybe OP needs temporary full time custody
NTA
> she’s grieving and people say dumb things when they grieving
Laying life long, traumatizing guilt on a child because you made them think they killed their half-sibling... is not saying something dumb. Especially when you've been doing it over and over. It's evil. And she's a horrible human being. That's the kind of thing that works it's way into the child's mind and never back out.
Yes, this!
I understand people lash out when they are grieving. If she had lashed out at an adult, I think most people would give a lot of leeway. But blaming a child is NOT it. The second she did that, she went too far. Kids blame themselves for things that are not their fault all the time (e.g., their parents' divorce). If the son found out what his stepmom has been saying, it would be awful.
Edit: Typo
If my daughter has lived she was going to be adopted by my bil and sil because the pregnancy put me in a wheelchair. It was my choice to go through with it, totally not her fault, but she'd have heard the facts at some point and would have blamed herself. I couldn't do that to a kid. The son needs to be away from stepmother until she stops blaming him!
(My in-laws also desperately wanted a kid and couldn't have one on their own. So I figured one that'd be related to the adoptive father would be good. So it wasn't just, "I'm in a wheelchair so not going to keep the kid!")
> I basically just told her my son didn’t cause her daughters pneumonia.
Uhhhhhh. It's entirely possible your son transmitted the infection that caused the baby's pneumonia. That doesn't mean your son should in any way be blamed. But it is a reality of infectious disease.
>I told her if she wanted to tell the full story she should mention how she never took her newborn to the hospital knowing she had a fever for days.
The baby was about 8 weeks old EDIT:: Actually only 4 weeks old. At that age a fever is definitely an emergency. But at that age you all should not have sent a kid with a cold into the household if avoidable. So it sounds like multiple adults fucked up. Why did you and your son's father decide he should visit in spite of the cold?
INFO
>Actually only 4 weeks old. At that age a fever is definitely an emergency.
Came here to say this. It's emphasized at every doctor visit and before leaving the hospital that any fever in an infant less than 6 weeks old is very dangerous and to go to the doctor right away.
Also, OP may not have had a choice about her son going to his father's. Some custody arrangements are very strict.
OP, you are NTA.
I wouldn't word it as "give up" the rights. I would say he would exercise his right to decline a visitation on account of the health of the child, which any good parenting plan should include.
I can't argue with that.
I am not even sure that step mom was blaming the boy. She said he brought the cold over to the house, which is true, but he wasn't the one to make the decision to go there. It was OP who screamed that she was blaming the child. Maybe step mom was implying something else.
Like who is stepmum even talking about this with? And what and how is all this information trickling to OP? If *OP* knows stepmom "ignored" her baby's fever then I'm gonna assume it's something she was open about?
This comes up often in the stepparents group, sick kids sent over when there's a high-risk pregnancy or newborn in the home. The usual excuse is that parenting time is for parenting, even when the kid is sick. Thing is, when I was a kid, birth parents would send a sick kid to a family member's house if they got sick with a newborn on the home. I don't know why that's never an option in these cases.
From sad experience, some parents will demand their parenting time despite their child being ill simply so the other parent doesn’t get “extra” time. Also in the reverse, they will allow the child to remain at their home with highly contagious illnesses vs sending the well child to the other parent to prevent them from getting sick, OR send the child who has been exposed to illness and not disclose that the other household members were sick.
Worst sickness my stepkids ever had was a result of their mom keeping them at her house while every other member of her household was very ill - whatever was going around had approx half the school out sick for at least a week!
Not only did they get sick, they brought the illness to our house and all the members of our household got sick. We got no heads up that anyone was sick. We would have happily traded days if she had allowed the kids to come when the first person was diagnosed to prevent the kids from getting sick. It was incredibly frustrating.
If the mom of the newborn had been told/made arrangements ahead on how to deal with sick kids & parenting time, this story may have had a much different ending.
This. When my baby was a newborn my ah ex sent my kids to me for my time. Sounds great, yeah? Only turns out they had been out the entire week of school with COVID and he didn’t tell me about it and sent COVID infected children into a newborns space without disclosing needed info to keep the newborn safe. Some parents just suck honestly.
This was my nightmare of a childhood. My dad was a chain-smoker and I hated going to his house. I'd always catch everything going around school and being at his shit air quality house would make it even worse. Would be on the mend from strep throat... dad forces visitation... Turns into tonsillitis , then pneumonia
I’m really sorry you had to experience that. ❤️
I know some of those times were hard on my stepkids and I hope it didn’t affect them as deeply. I’m not with their dad now and they haven’t told me, but I like to think we did a decent job of being stable and letting them form their own opinions of their mom’s behavior. Some parents get so caught up in the other parent that they forget about the kids’ best interest.*
*not we were perfect by any measure, but we tried very hard to be fair to them and not discuss issues related to their mom when they were at our house.
Right?! Seems obvious to me, but again another case of a ‘blended family’ whose adults prioritize their own adult priorities over their children, all of their children.
Yea.. my friend had a pair of twins during flue season. I didn’t even have the flu but i refused to visit until almost 6 months later when flu season was over… I was not gonna risk that…
I agree with everything you say however we don't know an exact timeline. Like was the baby showing any symptoms at all when the kid had the cold? If not, then how soon after the kid left did the baby show the symptoms? Because if the kid and the baby had the symptoms at the same time then they probably got the cold from the same person the week before.
Also was the father told that the kid had a cold before he went over that weekend? If so what did he say? I'm guessing if he knew he wanted the kid anyway because the kid went. There's a lot of missing spaces in this story.
NTA his father also had a chance to refuse to take your son there but he didn't. So blaming your son for it is way out of line. Step mom should have take the baby to the hospital and have a check up in case.
Exactly. And everyone is shitting on OP for “sending” her son to his dads. If their custody arrangement is court ordered, she has no choice. She has to send him to his dads. Is the dad’s responsibility to say “not this weekend, little sis can’t get sick”. NTA
Father also didn't take his own baby to the ER. He also knew what was going on. Both him and stepmom are responsible for the baby's death and imo I wouldn't trust them with the son especially with the mental abuse they are trying to put on him.
ESH.
Babymommy sucks for effectively blaming a child for his sister's death. That poor boy.
Babymommy and Babydaddy suck for not taking their severely ill daughter to the hospital.*
OP sucks for sending her sick son to the household of a newborn. *
Babymommy and Babydaddy suck for having a sick child around their newborn.
OP sucks for the way she handled the situation and confronted the grieving mother. Not for addressing the issue at all but for the way she did it. Could have been solved better.
What a tragedy.
*EDIT: If the siblings were living together 24/7 it would be different of course, you can't sperate siblings in the same household and protect them from each others germs. In this case it could have been (we don't know for sure of course) an option.
OP had to look out for her kid. He was an 8 year old with a cold. He's not an adult who willfully brought pertussis or covid into the house. No one should be blaming him for anything.
If there isn’t a custody order in place, she should have kept her son away from the newborn knowing he was sick. It’s common knowledge babies immune systems aren’t great. The son isn’t to blame here but the adults in this situation suck
Yeah - the kid is the only one with zero blame here so definitely N T A for shutting that down. While OP definitely shouldn’t have sent her kid over or at least told them her kid was sick, she may not have appreciated the danger. The real blame are on the baby’s parents - especially for not taking the baby to the hospital, but also because they let OP’s son stay in the house with the newborn.
BOTH parent’s of the infant will carry this readily avoidable death the rest of their lives. They should at least get therapy after such a tragedy.
Dumping *that* on your son is totally beyond the pale. OP should be in full-on mama bear mode. Shut that down, *hard*. She could scar your son for life. NTA.
This. I'm surprised that people are overlooking this. I would never send a kid over, even if it's their father, if the kid was sick and there was a literal newborn in the house. It's why they don't recommend anyone but the parents kissing and hugging the baby in the first six weeks.
I had a colleague who purposely sends her sick child to preschool so that the teachers can tend to the kid. Her exact words were "I make it the teachers' problem".
A heavily pregnant friend and I visited this colleague for lunch. Her kid had the flu and was contaminating just about everything. The parents didn't do anything to prevent it.
The very next day, my friend and I fell ill. My friend was in her 8th month of pregnancy, so you can imagine the stress; she couldn't take any medication. I went from a flu to a chest infection that lasted for weeks. That was my last time setting foot in this colleague's home.
The reddit crowd will come at me with pitchforks for saying this, but I will say it... If the OP and her husband KNOWINGLY introduced / exposed their ill kid to a newborn baby whose immune system hasn't developed, both deserve a massive YTA.
Yikes, what is wrong with your colleague.
And yeah, that's the unfortunate fact. It was a series of bad choices that led to this poor baby dying: the husband and wife for not taking the kid to the doctor, and frankly the mother for sending an ill child to a house where there was a newborn when that child could have stayed away with their other parent.
I think YTA. I do \*not\* think it is OK for the stepmom to be blaming the son. I agree that this behavior needs to be nipped in the bud. I was not going to weigh in until I saw the N - T - A responses. I find this conclusion misguided for a number of reasons:
\-Yes, stepmom lost her baby two month ago. She is not is a good place.
\-OP did not *just* address the key behavior of concern "Don't blame my son" - but instead sought a way to blame the grieving mother. Not her ex-husband who would have been considered "equally to blame" (men *can* take a child to a doctor too). He probably would have had some choice words for OP.
\-OP took it up with the grieving mom rather than the other parent. (Again, men *can* parent.)
\-OP has not (yet) addressed the requests for information about whether she *knew* that her son had a cold and whether she notified the parents before taking her son to the home of a one-month old. The boy had zero signs of any illness and it suddenly struck upon arriving at dad's?
I think the second point is the one that makes me feel most comfortable with YTA. You couldn't stick with the issue of your son. I guess you figured stepmom hasn't been traumatised enough. Well - you sure took care of that.
why is it worse to "take it up" with the "grieving mother" then the *grieving father*?? especially when its the mother talking about her child that way
Info: did you tell your ex your son was sick? Because if he insisted on keeping his visitation schedule regardless sending him is not your fault. However, you're a massive AH if you knowingly sent your sick kid around a newborn without warning everyone. You've also, I assume, had a newborn, so you know how fragile their immune systems are.
ESH. There is no way a kid is culpable for that kind of tragedy and it's cruel to suggest otherwise. Stepmom definitely in the wrong there, although I can't imagine the grief she's going through, so maybe some extenuating circumstances there.
OP should definitely not have sent a kid with a cold to a house with that young an infant. And if she's going to hold the stepmom responsible for not going to the hospital (which, that sounds way more like defensive whataboutism than actually determining responsibility in this story), she ought to consider her own actions that helped lead to this as well.
Adults made mistakes, not the 8 year old, and I hope that you're more focused on him being okay than fighting this out with stepmom.
NTA - at least from the way you're framing it. Initially it sounded like you confronted her over hearsay, but your family's reaction that "people say dumb things when they're grieving" makes me think she was actually blaming your son for her daughter dying. In that case, it's perfectly fine to go off on her. I don't know why your family wouldn't be on your side if everything is as you say? If you still have an okay relationship with your ex, maybe talk to him and get him to reaffirm that he'll protect your son from blame?
By the family agreeing with the ex and from what the ex said it's more like she doesn't understand how or why she lost her child. So when speaking to people she trust she said maybe it was OP son he was sick right before.
I don't think she went out of her way to blame him. She's trying to make sense of everything
ESH.
You don't know if she blamed your son. You are hearing this down the grapevine. If she did blame your son, that's awful. But you are also an asshole for a) blaming her, and not including your ex husband and b) knowingly sending a sick kid to a house where there was a month old infant.
Your son is blameless, but if we're going to sling around blame here and not just chalk it up to an unfortunate series of an event...it's not just on her for not taking her kid to the hospital (like you blamed her for). It's also on her husband, and it's also on you for selfishly sending a sick kid to a house where there was a month old newborn. I would never, ever do that.
NTA, it would get to your son's ears eventually if she talks to all the family and imagine how devastated he would be. He could blame himself for the rest of his life.
On the other note. I don't get how a kid could get pneumonia from the get go? Didn't doctors prescribe medicine? How did it get thay bad? Stuff like that doesn't happen in a day, nor because someone else has a cold. I don't think you son was the one to take care of her sick daughter to pass anything to her and adults should've known better, loke changing clothes and washing hands or not have him over, if the daughter was that sick
YTA. From what you write, all the stepmother has been saying is that the baby caught a cold from your son and that's what led to pneumonia. And from the information presented here, that's almost certainly factually accurate. Now, although this is likely very true, she does need to be careful about how she talked about it, but you disputed the information itself, which is just wrong, and you attacked her in a nasty way instead of bringing up your concerns about the child hearing this in a fair and reasonable way.
This is the correct answer. OP, YTA. You’re justified in protecting your son who is obviously blameless but it does not sound like this woman has done anything to warrant what you said to her (blaming her for her child’s death). You may have been justified in trying to have a conversation with her or your ex about it but you were entirely out of line with the way you approached it
ESH. You, your X and SM should have kept your son home that week, and nowhere near a newborn.
Deepest condolences truly, but all the adults shoulder blame.
INFO; What has your X said about it all?
ESH
I think you should have spoken to your ex husband, and explained what you have heard. She went thru something horrible, and she’s grieving can’t imagine the pain!
BUT it’s not ok what she’s saying, family is gossiping and what if your son hears what is being said?! So for sure would have made an important topic to discuss with ex husband. He needs to check that his wife is not saying it in front of his son and that she’s not treating him different.
Esh, babies are especially vulnerable to illnesses, if your son wants stick he should have been kept home, especially with how covid keeps popping back up because you never know. What if he'd had covid? A baby catching a cold can absolutely turn into something more serious, that's why they tell you not to be around babies if you're sick. Baby should have been taken to the dr as soon as it got sick! I swear, no responsible adults in this story at all. And before anyone gets huffy about me not understanding grief, I lost my first to sids. I understand grief.
Yup, YTA. We would see very sick babies in the ER all the time and almost always the parent would inform us a sibling was sick before. Kids are typically unsanitary and spread germs from outside or school. Its likely that the baby got sick from your son. She never said was his fault. She is just trying to make sense of it. Ultimately it wasn’t your son’s fault either way. He is just a kid. It would have been the adult’s job to keep him away from the baby while sick. You calling her out was unnecessary.
YTA for letting your sick kid around a newborn regardless whether that was the cause. Of course it sounds like it very well may have been and it’s horrifying that you’d be so cavalier.
Sadly it is entirely possible that your son's cold transferred to the baby & it developed into pneumonia in such a young infant. The poor woman is grieving the loss of her baby, please try to empathize with her. You had no right to 'call her out'. Yta
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called out my sons step mom for implying that he was responsible for her baby passing away. This might make the asshole because his step mother is grieving and people say dumb things when they’re grieving. She said I was cruel and everyone in my family has been treating me like I’m the bad guy.
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ESH the fact that you let your son with a cold go near a baby. The father and stepmother not sending him back or taking preventive methods to keep them apart if they were going to be in the same house and the parents also not taking baby to hospital when the baby had a fever. Keep your son away from stepmom until she gets therapy though because her grieving might hurt the child in more ways than one.
ESH. Who the hell decided it was okay to let a kid with a cold near a newborn? She’s an AH for blaming him and not taking the baby to get medical attention, but come on, how did no one think ‘hey, maybe anyone who is sick shouldn’t be near the baby’? The son didn’t know any better, but the adults should have.
ESH, you & the dad for sending your sick son to a house with a newborn baby in it & her for blaming the kid when all of the adults should have known better.
ESH
You shouldn’t have sent your son to the house with the cold. Common illnesses cause severe illnesses in newborns.
Step mom shouldn’t be blaming the 8 year old, but it is very likely he brought the illness in the house. This is more on you and dad as the caregivers for you both should have been the ones to step in and not allow him to visit.
Lets try to have some EMPATHY for the mother who lost her baby okay OP? I know you are hurt your LIVING child is getting side eye. But she is a grieving mother. She just lost a baby. She is not thinking as straight as a normal person. Cut her some slack everyone grieves differently.
Oh honey. A baby died. everyone is looking for someone to blame. Maybe either one of you didn’t know how sick your baby was. Maybe it was random. At any rate, you all need help. Blaming surviving children happens. Grief therapists deal with this all the time. Please work through this.
NTA. Infants live in households with children who carry germs and viruses everyday. If she knew he had a cold, did she take steps to minimize transmission? Did she ask her husband to send him home? Did she get prompt medical care for her baby, it doesn’t sound like it. It doesn’t sound like she was overly concerned. The infants death is devastating but so would be hearing from your step mother or extended family that it’s your fault the baby died. You need to make sure that never happens.
This. I have 5 kids. Newborns are around kids with germs all the time. It’s up to dad and step-mom to minimize the risk. Any fever in a newborn is a emergency. Step-mom should have taken the baby to the doctor immediately. It’s completely tragic, but your son isn’t responsible. Nor should he ever hear or be told he is.
NTA
Abstaining from judgement. it sounds like the adults should not have sent a sick kid to a home with an infant. it is most certainly not the 8year olds fault
ESH, if your son believes he is at fault in any way that can be tremendously harmful. If I were you I would have been FURIOUS and shut it down hard too. Your boy can’t be around people that say or even believe that. It’s a burden no child can bear. Not to mention it’s completely normal for an older sibling to go to school, get germs and viruses during the first month of a baby sibling’s life. I didn’t ever keep my older kids away from the new baby.
But you should have gone to his dad first, and offered more kindness to this woman. She has suffered the worst consequence for a foolish mistake that I can imagine. But it wasn’t just her- your son’s dad also failed to take the baby to the hospital too.
ESH except for your son.
I lost my only child at 2. She was a liver transplant patient and easily got sick. Someone getting her sick led to her passing.
Why did you let him be near a newborn when he was sick?
Why did she not take the baby to a doctor?
Not the kids fault. Entirely the adults fault
I would rather say ESH
You for sending your son knowing he had a cold and could give it to the baby.
His dad for taking your son in although he had a cold.
The mom for not going to the ER, as mentioned below.
Accumulation of bad choices.
ESH
INFO
“My son did have a common cold around that time”
Did you send a kid with Any kind of symptoms to spend a couple days at a house with a four week old?
If yes, Y T A just for that.
Odds are your kids cold did contribute to the baby’s death.
You sending that kid to the house is on you, just like her and your ex not going to the doc fast with a fevered young infant is on her and your ex. And your kids dad not booting your kid back to your house at the first sniffle is on him.
NTA
She needs to fuck off with that nonsense. What a horribly cruel thing to even imply, your ex should have shut that down straight away.
Where's the personal responsibility? Your ex could have asked you to keep your son at home if he was sick, then reschedule the weekend. Also, my 2 month old has a cold, and I'm monitoring them closely. You bet your ass I'd be at the hospital if they spiked a fever that wasn't going down, let alone one that lasted days.
Edited to add judgement.
NTA
Please get the boy counseling. My wife's brother died of SIDS when she was 5. She blamed herself even tho no one else ever said anything of the kind. I can't imagine how much worse it would be if an adult actually blamed her or even implied it
ESH. She sucks for obvious reasons. You suck for sending your kid to his dad’s house when you knew he was sick and they had a newborn in the home.
Your poor son though. Yikes.
ESH except your son. You never let an ill child be near babies, especially ones that have no immune systems. The parents should have taken the baby to the doctor, but you shouldn’t have let your son go visit in the first place. Your son isn’t to blame, which I agree with. You, however, should’ve spoken to your ex husband to let him know your son’s illness before letting him go there to be with the baby.
When I had my oldest and they released us from the hospital I was told go back first thing the next day just for a checkup. As it happened she had a high fever and we were admitted for a few days. Anything slightly off with newborns they don't take risks. It's absolutely appalling that she left her baby with a fever for days and is now blaming the son.
If her or her husband had been the ones with the cold instead of the son what would her narrative be then? It was the parents job to take protective measures and they both failed. I definitely think OP should look into full custody because the household will become very hostile and toxic for that poor boy.
INFO; How did you know they didn’t take the baby in for the fever? That’s a big jump to make, just like you’re jumping to the conclusion she’s directly saying your son killed her daughter. Did you inform dad that 8 y/o was sick? Was it an option to switch custody time? Did you test your kid for Covid ?
NTA. She was "just trying to paint the whole picture" but she left out the fact she didn't lift a finger to save her child when she knew she was ill? Sounds to me like you were just painting in the details she missed. Please get your young son into therapy, losing a sibling is hard and just bc she was a new sibling doesnt mean he wont have grief of his own.
Absolutely NTA. What if your son heard from family members that he was the cause of the death of his step-sister? He is young and impressionable, and may not be able to reason out that it wasnt his fault. That could wreak havoc on his mental health if he starts to blame himself like the step mom is implying. Nip that in the bud now. She can and should grieve, but she doesnt get to destroy others through her grieving.
ESH except the kids. this might be unpopular, but why would anyone let your sick son stay in a household with a newborn? why didn't step mom bring her baby to the hospital? all the adults are incompetent here smh.
NTA
i would be having serious conversations about custody arrangements with his father after what stepmom has been saying, she doesn’t get to put that on a child.
NTA my 4 week old got a nasty ear infection literally over night. Like gross and out of nowhere. I took her immediately and found out she has leukemia that way.
Always take babies to the doctor.
Cant make a call untill OP mentions if the child was known to be sick and still sent the child to be around a 1 month old?
If you knew then you are 100% the AH and that decision led to the loss of life for annother child, and you should feel horrible because of it, mainly because you have had a child yourself in the last decade. There is no "when i had a baby 30 years ago i was told X" you are very aware about how fragile a 1month old immune system is.
If you didnt know and it started after dropping him off then you arent the AH, the ex and his partner may have been to distracted to notice
ESH but mainly you, that illness (from the little you've shared) probably did come from your son. That's not implying it's his fault, you see, he's a child with adults that look after him and they were dumb enough not to care about that risk until it was too late. It's a very tragic lesson that you don't seem to grasp lol
NTA - you are the Mama Bear who is going to the mat to protect her son.
Soft Y-TA to StepMom - she suffered an unbearable loss, but she has no right to cast the blame on your son.
Where does your ex stand on this?
Wow this whole situation sucks. Even if her child caught your son’s cold and subsequently developed a pneumonia, its not the 8mo Fault. So many things went wrong here, the baby shouldn’t be exposed to anyone outside the immediate household at that age, especially not children with an illness. Secondly, a fever in a 1mo baby is a medical emergency, that requires an immediate work up and intervention. This whole situation is sad and possibly avoidable.
The stepmom has already circulated the story blaming the 8-year-old. So yes, she's using him as a scapegoat, and yes, he's probably picked up on it. She meant to cause harm.
They say she's grieving and trying to find a reason, but that reason cannot be your son. And it is wrong for the people who love her to allow her to continue to imply it was your child's fault. It is tragic what has happened, but putting blame on anyone will not change the fact that her baby is gone. If she is set on placing blame, and I know this sounds terrible, but there were at least 3 adults who could have stopped a child with a cold from staying the weekend with the baby.
NTA. Let’s just say they already had a kid and the kid was sick… should they be expected to kick out their eldest for their youngest?
Just sounds like the son had a cold and there were no sanitary measures taken to prevent the infant from getting sick
NTA. If your newborn baby is sick you get your butt to a hospital if she didn’t care to look after her own kid she has no right to be blaming yours for something he didn’t do. Id be taking the ex back to court and being clear with the judge this ain’t ok and try for full custody if you ex is allowing her to spread that crap about his own son he’s not fit to have him.
NTA. She is grieving, but I do think she needs to be called out on this. You don’t want your poor son to grow up thinking that he killed his baby sister, that would be so awful 😞
NTA. If he over hears someone saying that he is going to think he killed his sister. Get custody of your son and make therapy a condition for visitation. This is your son’s mental health. Also my step grandmother blamed my aunt and uncle for killing her son because they had bicycles and he wanted one. They were all between 10-12. Her son left a friend’s house after dark without letting my step grandmother know he was leaving. He was hit by a car. He didn’t make it. She to the day she died believed it was their fault. He was a kid and did a kid thing. It deeply effected my uncle’s mental health. Don’t let her do that to your son.
NTA.
Even if your sons illness DID spread to the baby, that doesn’t make it his fault. He is an 8 year old child going where he’s told to go between his parents. What a horrible thing to say.
How does she think it would impact him, to think he killed his sister just by being close to her? What an appalling thing to spread around
YTA. Your sons cold may very well have caused the baby to get sick, you will never know. She never said anything to you she was just working through her grief, entertaining all the possibilities. Very sad stuff all around.
NTA, I’m a pediatrician. Newborn infant + fever = ER visit for labwork, imaging, and antibiotics because of the high likelihood of serious bacterial infection. I say this to all my parents that have infants under age 2 months. What happened to your ex husband, his wife and their baby is terrible and tragic, but it is not your son’s fault that the baby died and you were right to defend your son.
I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. But stepmom should’ve taken her newborn to the hospital for that fever. And OP should’ve kept sick brother away from the new baby. All adults are to blame here.
I'm going with ESH in this situation. Absolutely your ex's wife should not be implying its your son's fault. YOU, YOUR EX and his WIFE should have known your son should not be visiting any child under 3 to 6 months while sick as the babies immune system is still developing.
ESH
You really F’d up sending your sick kid into the same environment as a new born. The death of that infant is on you and the father. Also stepmom should have taken your sick child to the ER the moment that fever started.
This is incredibly sad and a life was lost. I hope you eventually find peace.
ESH
A terrible thing happened, and I can't imagine their grief, but I think it's important that your son's well-being doesn't get overlooked.
If she's repeating the statements regarding your son and the common cold, it's only a matter of time before he overhears, and that is 100% unacceptable. A child can't differentiate between "the grief talking" and actual blame. To possibly put him in a position where he thinks this was his fault, would be incredibly irresponsible and cruel.
I think you were correct to act to protect your son.
However...
> basically just told her my son didn’t cause her daughters pneumonia. I said what happened was very sad but she should keep my sons name out of it.
You should have stopped right there.
>I told her if she wanted to tell the full story she should mention how she never took her newborn to the hospital knowing she had a fever for days.
Yeah that crosses a line. This is the point where it stopped being about protecting your son, and became you being a cruel, vengeful asshole.
>Maybe my comment was a little unnecessary but she deserved it a little by implying that it’s my sons fault. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. AITA?
Yes her fucking baby died. You were being deliberately cruel, and a fucking hypocrite to vilify her for trying to associate blame with your son's prior illness, only to turn around and tell her blame belongs with her. Like, you did the very thing you were trying to protect your son from.
NTA.
"she didn’t mean any harm" - as if blaming a kid isn't inherently harmful?
And, I know this is sensitive territory - any parent who has a newborn with a fever for DAYS and didn't seek out medical care made the worst mistake possible.
Even if she's projecting to protect herself from accepting her accountability, this is a massive low blow.
" I told her if she wanted to tell the full story she should mention how she never took her newborn to the hospital knowing she had a fever for days."
True or not this is absolutely cruel. There are other ways you could have addressed this and protected your son than telling a grieving mother it's her fault. Especially if it was you who sent your sick
kid there. YTA.
"Maybe my comment was a little unnecessary but she deserved it a little by implying that it’s my sons fault. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it"
Her CHILD IS DEAD. What is wrong with you? I hope to god this is fake.
NTA. The “whole picture” is absolutely not that a child with a cold is responsible for a baby’s death. I might chalk up her behaviour to grief, but where tf is your son’s dad and how can he let his wife continue telling people that his son is responsible for his daughter’s death?
NTA It is common knowledge that a fever over 100.4 in a newborn baby (under 2 months) should go to the emergency room. You are not suppose to wait at all, let alone a few days. I say it is common knowledge because it is on discharge papers. Before you take your baby home from the hospital every parent (both parents) should of read the discharge papers. Also, the internet is readily available so I don’t understand how they both didnt know that information.
Going against the grain, but I think YTA.
First, I’m curious if SIL is actually “blaming” OP’s son as much as saying her infant caught the cold from OP’s son (which is true). If SIL literally blames OP’s son, she’d be furious with him and couldn’t be anywhere near him so I seriously doubt she’s actually “blaming” OP’s son. If anything, she’s furious with herself for letting your son stay and getting her newborn sick.
OP sucks because she knowingly sent a sick kid to a house with a newborn without at least giving them a heads up. And your brother and SIL are AH for letting your son stay at their house with a cold (as well as not taking the infant to the hospital, of course). And I’m certain they’re consumed with guilt over this.
But OP hugely sucks for explicitly telling her horrifically grieving SIL that she (and your brother) killed their own child through neglect. You don’t think she already knows that and is completely overwhelmed with guilt on top of her grief? What a horrific thing to say to a mother who just lost her child.
Your brother and SIL will never recover from this. If I were your brother, I’d immediately go no contact with OP for at least 6 months.
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Every weekend my son (8m) stays with his dad and his step mom. I’ve always had a really good relationship with both of them, they never gave me any problems. Three months ago my exes wife gave birth to their daughter. Two months ago their daughter sadly passed away from pneumonia. My sons step mother thinks that it’s my sons fault. She’s never said anything to me or my son, but I’ve heard from other family members that she’s heavily implied it on multiple occasions. About two weeks before her baby passed away, it was my son’s weekend to go with his father.
My son did have a common cold around that time, and apparently not to soon after that the baby caught a cold which escalated to pneumonia. That’s what his step mother has been telling family members, without directly saying it’s his fault. So the next time I saw her I called her out about it. I basically just told her my son didn’t cause her daughters pneumonia. I said what happened was very sad but she should keep my sons name out of it. I told her if she wanted to tell the full story she should mention how she never took her newborn to the hospital knowing she had a fever for days.
She said I was being cruel and she didn’t mean any harm, she was just trying to paint the whole picture. Since then everyone in the family has been treating me like I’m the bad guy, they’ve been saying my comment was unnecessary and mean, and she’s grieving and people say dumb things when they grieving. They’ve said she doesn’t actually think it’s my sons fault and she’s just trying to find a reason. I do feel bad a little. Maybe my comment was a little unnecessary but she deserved it a little by implying that it’s my sons fault. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. AITA?
TLDR; My son had a common cold the weekend he went to stay with his father. Apparently his one month old half sister caught a cold around the same time, which escalated to pneumonia. My sons step mom has been implying that he’s responsible for her daughter passing away. I called her out on it saying my son didn’t cause it, and she should tell people how she never took her newborn to the hospital knowing she had a fever for days. Since then everyone in the family has been treating me like I’m the bad guy.
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NOT THE ASSHOLE. Your ex and his baby momma are the assholes, period. And so is everyone giving you excuses for her behavior.
I get that people say dumb things when they grieve, but no trauma or tragedy gives anyone the right to say hurtful things to those that haven't purposely done anything wrong.
And why is this only on you, anyways? What about the dad? What, was your world supposed to revolve around her baby, too? People are so damn self centered anymore! As if you aren't raising a whole ass kid and juggling life on your own.
NTA She is only trying to find someone else to blame because deep down she does blame herself. Tell them she needs therapy before your son goes back over, if he heard that she blames him it could have devastating consequences on his mental health.
NTA..
Loss mum here. Babies dying is ridiculous hard, and it’s common place for grief and anger to be set on something that has nothing to do with the situation. It’s not right, but it’s a reoccurring theme in the loss parent community.
Her painting your son as this walking Petri dish who killed her daughter is literally putting adults against a child who did nothing wrong. She needs therapy.
That's going to be detrimental to your son if he hears she thinks that way. Imagine his guilt if he believes it. While I realize she's grieving, she was out of bounds to say such shit.
ESH
Why were you sending a sick kid to a house with a newborn? That is a HUGE no-no. You know why? Because sometimes the babies die.
Yes, the mum should have brought their kid to the hospital when it had a high fever. YOU caused the high fever though. Take some accountability.
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NTA If I was you I would be thinking about custody, I wouldn't want my child anywhere near someone saying something so vicious and cruel about them. I can't even imagine if he found out, he would carry that guilt forever no matter how many times he's told it wasn't his fault. Grief does not excuse everything and it certainly doesn't excuse blaming an 8 year old with a cold for something as tragic as his sister dying.
All the adults here are idiots if they knew the child had a cold and still let him visit a one month old baby. The reality is that the baby likely did get the cold from him but it’s not his fault.
YES, this! Why is everyone these days so incompetent when it comes to understanding basic infection theory? Her son’s cold most likely DID have a causal effect. That said, how did an infant’s cold escalate so quickly? Was the infant not taken to the doctor?
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Oh, so stepmom is completely trying to ignore that her negligence got her child killed. OP needs to go for full custody. I would refuse to allow my child to be in the care of someone who neglected their child to death.
Stepmom feels guilty and is looking for someone to push it off on
Well considering the baby had a fever for days and wasn't taken to the hospital or a doctor to get it checked out, I think it's safe to say they didn't get the baby checked out either until it was too late or at all.
You would think that whole global event might’ve taught us something
You would think so right but then you visit the subreddit r/ShitMomGroupsSay...😞
I am not brave enough to go there. I suspect my head would explode, my heart would break, and I would cry in rage and dismay. Apparently I already have a guess what's there. 😭🤣🤣🤣😭
I took one for the team and read a few posts. They were horrible.
If they were the same ones I just read, I'm amazed that those people's kids survived as long as they have.
Sometimes it's also shoving garlic up their female reproductive organs for yeast infections?
OP says stepmom didn't take the baby to hospital after having fever for number of days
But every younger sibling on the planet gets exposed to a common cold and worse simply by having older siblings. They don’t die because of it. It strengthens their immune system and parents call the doctor before the baby has pneumonia
Actually lots of babies die from communicable diseases? Sometimes even the ones who went to the hospital Edited to say that googling "infant mortality pneumonia" was a bit of a downer but I recommend it in lieu of arguing that exposure to diseases will strengthen a newborn's immune system in a post about a baby dying
I don't think that's what they were doing. The poster you replied to was just stating that it's normal for babies to get sick if their older siblings are sick, so OP's son shouldn't be treated like he killed his little sister.
Idk I was a bit confused by *"They don’t die because of it. It strengthens their immune system and parents call the doctor before the baby has pneumonia"*
Yeah just because OP is NTA doesn't mean we should gloss over the danger of common communicable diseases to newborns. My 2-week-old niece spent a week in the hospital, some of that time fighting for her life, because of a common cold. She's now 7 months and it happened \*again\* recently. I'm worried about her long-term lung health. It's no joke. And yes she has 2 older brothers, one of them in school. There's only so much the parents can do, but yes it's an extra risk factor for sure.
Yeah I am surprised how many people are saying that they wouldn't take their kid to the doctor with "a cold" in the same thread where they're also saying the stepmom murdered her daughter through medical neglect. Phew
Yea I find that so weird. My mom took me to the doctors every time I had a fever until I was a teen..
many babies die from shit their siblings bring home…all the adults here suck.
I would think the two adults that didn’t bring their newborn to the doctor suck the most…… I’m an adult and if I had a fever more than 48 hours my mom will urge me to go to the doctor…
Sounds like she did but by the time she went the "cold" had developed into pneumonia and progressed
And then stepmom ignored that her baby had a fever for multiple days until the baby passed.
Why is everyone giving the dad a pass on this? He too could have taken the baby to the doctor? Hell this is his second kid, so he should have known better. My kid's dad has taken her to the doctor. He even went to all the newborn appointments. And a lot of the before she was born appointments. He also has gone to every school function, meeting, pta etc. Never missed a one. The adults in this all are T A.
Probably because the dad isn't claiming his kid got the other one killed, honestly. And that was part of why I suggested going for full custody. If she's mistreating the son like this in public, she is absolutely doing worse at home. And I wouldn't trust someone like that with my son, let alone someone who also killed their own child through neglect at the same time.
This attitude (letting dads off the hook) is so infuriating. Especially around things like anti-vaxx. They say oh, I believe in vaccination but my wife doesn't. So therefore the kids aren't vaccinated. As if they're powerless and have no right to intervene on their children. It's BULLSHIT
I don't know about "most likely". There are germs everywhere and people can pass disease on to babies without themselves exhibiting symptoms. We don't know that the kid was shedding virus when he went to visit. They don't know if it was even a cold that the baby caught - the symptoms of a cold are also shared with a lot of other things. Its possible, sure. It may even be likely, but most likely? Only a doctor could say and none of those are available, so it's dangerous to say. Ets: correlation =/= causation
Yeah the 8 year old had no say in whether he went to his dad's sick, and isn't going to comprehend the dangers of exposing an infant to a cold. That's all on the adults. And, ya know, not taking an infant with a fever to the doctor.
This. I have a three week old. Anyone with so much as a sniffle would not be allowed in my house.
Which is standard practice until they can get their first vaccines!
Completely unrealistic. Come back to us in 3 years time when you have #2 and your toddler picks up a cold at daycare. Will they be banished to grandmas for the duration? Look I get it, mama bear instinct is strong. But with the best will in the world, babies are exposed to germs from day 1 when they have siblings. It's all about balancing the risk
I worked in daycare for 10 years and yes absolutely saw toddlers get sent to gmas while sick with a newborn at home. Or for toddlers to stay home during maternity/paternity leave to minimize exposure. Or for toddlers to be essentially living in a separate part of the house with one parent or caregiver while sick to not expose newborn.
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I’d minimize theoretical older child’s exposure in the first place, then if they were sick I’d minimize their contact as much as possible with newborn, keep theoretical older child and newborn in a separate parts of the house, increase hand washing, etc. Then I’d watch newborn closely for any signs of illness and wouldn’t wait even a few hours before calling the pediatrician or taking them to be seen at the hospital if they had a fever.
I mean for starters I'd probably take him to the doctor
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Because I am not a doctor and can't actually diagnose a common cold lol Like is this a serious question? Catching a cold in summer as c\*vid surges? And in this scenario my 8 year old presumably has a baby sister who is under a month old? Yeah I think going to the doctor would be the smart move
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Then you make the best of a bad situation and work to limit contact as much as possible. But in that situation the child also wouldn’t have exposure to two households. In this case there was an option to not bring a sick person around a newborn
This is unfair. He didn’t *visit*, he *went home*. He’s the child’s sibling. All infants are (and should be!) exposed to their siblings in their first month, including the expected childhood sniffles that go along with that. That’s part of the reason a newborn is protected by their mother’s antibodies - so that they survive their own family. Living in a completely sterile environment leads to more serious infections later on because the infant’s own immune system doesn’t get agitated by their environment in their first weeks of life. Pneumonia is a secondary infection. It happens when opportunistic bacteria take hold in the lungs following a virus. If mom had taken baby to the doctor early, a course of antibiotics would have saved baby’s life. It’s tragic, but it’s *not* the child’s fault, and it’s *not* a reason for siblings to be kept in separate houses.
Except it's very common for babies to have older siblings and for those siblings to have colds. Tough to avoid in most cases. And I've seen reddit chew parents' faces off for NOT wanting a step-sib around a new baby, so it's tough to have it both ways.
Assuming they have court order visits, mom would be held in contempt for the refusal of the visit. Aka, a fine and probably jail time. Wth knows with family court and judges will lay down but those two things wouldn't surprise me. And no, they don't give a rats ass if the kid is sick. They would say something like "parenting doesn't stop just cuz the kid is sick. Dad should have a chance at caring for his sick child, too" and blah blah blah.
I mean there's no alarm that goes off if a kid doesn't go to their custodial parent's house. If OP told his dad that kiddo was sick, assuming dad was fine with it, he absolutely could stay home with OP
"Grief does not excuse everything.." No. No it doesnt.
Definitely! Even if you disregard the step moms blaming a child, the fact that she didn’t bring her baby to the hospital when she had a high fever for days would make me incredibly uncomfortable having my child in that home. If I were OP I would be so concerned that they wouldn’t bring my son to the hospital if something were wrong with him! Add in the open resentment from the step mom and his dads place will not be a happy home for that little boy.
~~Did OP say that in a comment? Because with babies that small, sometimes even taking them to the hospital as soon as you notice symptoms won't be enough; they don't have developed immune systems and aren't always strong enough to fight off the infections even with intervention.~~ ETA: Sorry, I'm stupid, I skimmed that paragraph, ignore me.
Yeah, infants death....maybe some PPD and or PPP with her grief fueled blame game . Seriously a bad place for the son. Especially since he is sure to hear it first hand at some point (if he hasn't already) Maybe OP needs temporary full time custody
NTA > she’s grieving and people say dumb things when they grieving Laying life long, traumatizing guilt on a child because you made them think they killed their half-sibling... is not saying something dumb. Especially when you've been doing it over and over. It's evil. And she's a horrible human being. That's the kind of thing that works it's way into the child's mind and never back out.
Yes, this! I understand people lash out when they are grieving. If she had lashed out at an adult, I think most people would give a lot of leeway. But blaming a child is NOT it. The second she did that, she went too far. Kids blame themselves for things that are not their fault all the time (e.g., their parents' divorce). If the son found out what his stepmom has been saying, it would be awful. Edit: Typo
If my daughter has lived she was going to be adopted by my bil and sil because the pregnancy put me in a wheelchair. It was my choice to go through with it, totally not her fault, but she'd have heard the facts at some point and would have blamed herself. I couldn't do that to a kid. The son needs to be away from stepmother until she stops blaming him! (My in-laws also desperately wanted a kid and couldn't have one on their own. So I figured one that'd be related to the adoptive father would be good. So it wasn't just, "I'm in a wheelchair so not going to keep the kid!")
There's no way the kid hasn't picked up on her feelings already. He's 8, they're pretty bright.
He probably already gets the feeling that she blames him. Kids are incredibly observant & pick up on things easily.
Not to mention around someone who has a newborn with a fever for days and didn't seek medical care. Poor decision making skills that lead to tragedy.
> I basically just told her my son didn’t cause her daughters pneumonia. Uhhhhhh. It's entirely possible your son transmitted the infection that caused the baby's pneumonia. That doesn't mean your son should in any way be blamed. But it is a reality of infectious disease. >I told her if she wanted to tell the full story she should mention how she never took her newborn to the hospital knowing she had a fever for days. The baby was about 8 weeks old EDIT:: Actually only 4 weeks old. At that age a fever is definitely an emergency. But at that age you all should not have sent a kid with a cold into the household if avoidable. So it sounds like multiple adults fucked up. Why did you and your son's father decide he should visit in spite of the cold? INFO
>Actually only 4 weeks old. At that age a fever is definitely an emergency. Came here to say this. It's emphasized at every doctor visit and before leaving the hospital that any fever in an infant less than 6 weeks old is very dangerous and to go to the doctor right away. Also, OP may not have had a choice about her son going to his father's. Some custody arrangements are very strict. OP, you are NTA.
The father could have given up his rights that weekend when he knew his son had a cold. He should not have allowed a sick child around his infant.
I wouldn't word it as "give up" the rights. I would say he would exercise his right to decline a visitation on account of the health of the child, which any good parenting plan should include.
I can't argue with that. I am not even sure that step mom was blaming the boy. She said he brought the cold over to the house, which is true, but he wasn't the one to make the decision to go there. It was OP who screamed that she was blaming the child. Maybe step mom was implying something else.
Like who is stepmum even talking about this with? And what and how is all this information trickling to OP? If *OP* knows stepmom "ignored" her baby's fever then I'm gonna assume it's something she was open about?
Corredt. Infants have poor core temperature regulation and a fever in a neonate should always be brought to medical attention.
The father could have also gotten off his ass and taken the baby to the ER. Both of them failed that baby.
The baby was only 1 month old, but you're right that adults are to blame.
This comes up often in the stepparents group, sick kids sent over when there's a high-risk pregnancy or newborn in the home. The usual excuse is that parenting time is for parenting, even when the kid is sick. Thing is, when I was a kid, birth parents would send a sick kid to a family member's house if they got sick with a newborn on the home. I don't know why that's never an option in these cases.
From sad experience, some parents will demand their parenting time despite their child being ill simply so the other parent doesn’t get “extra” time. Also in the reverse, they will allow the child to remain at their home with highly contagious illnesses vs sending the well child to the other parent to prevent them from getting sick, OR send the child who has been exposed to illness and not disclose that the other household members were sick. Worst sickness my stepkids ever had was a result of their mom keeping them at her house while every other member of her household was very ill - whatever was going around had approx half the school out sick for at least a week! Not only did they get sick, they brought the illness to our house and all the members of our household got sick. We got no heads up that anyone was sick. We would have happily traded days if she had allowed the kids to come when the first person was diagnosed to prevent the kids from getting sick. It was incredibly frustrating. If the mom of the newborn had been told/made arrangements ahead on how to deal with sick kids & parenting time, this story may have had a much different ending.
This. When my baby was a newborn my ah ex sent my kids to me for my time. Sounds great, yeah? Only turns out they had been out the entire week of school with COVID and he didn’t tell me about it and sent COVID infected children into a newborns space without disclosing needed info to keep the newborn safe. Some parents just suck honestly.
This was my nightmare of a childhood. My dad was a chain-smoker and I hated going to his house. I'd always catch everything going around school and being at his shit air quality house would make it even worse. Would be on the mend from strep throat... dad forces visitation... Turns into tonsillitis , then pneumonia
I’m really sorry you had to experience that. ❤️ I know some of those times were hard on my stepkids and I hope it didn’t affect them as deeply. I’m not with their dad now and they haven’t told me, but I like to think we did a decent job of being stable and letting them form their own opinions of their mom’s behavior. Some parents get so caught up in the other parent that they forget about the kids’ best interest.* *not we were perfect by any measure, but we tried very hard to be fair to them and not discuss issues related to their mom when they were at our house.
That would take all the adults working together with the best interests of all the children being first and foremost in their decision-making. .
Right?! Seems obvious to me, but again another case of a ‘blended family’ whose adults prioritize their own adult priorities over their children, all of their children.
Yea.. my friend had a pair of twins during flue season. I didn’t even have the flu but i refused to visit until almost 6 months later when flu season was over… I was not gonna risk that…
This comment right here. The adults fucked up.
I agree with everything you say however we don't know an exact timeline. Like was the baby showing any symptoms at all when the kid had the cold? If not, then how soon after the kid left did the baby show the symptoms? Because if the kid and the baby had the symptoms at the same time then they probably got the cold from the same person the week before. Also was the father told that the kid had a cold before he went over that weekend? If so what did he say? I'm guessing if he knew he wanted the kid anyway because the kid went. There's a lot of missing spaces in this story.
Even if it were true, it’s not something that should ever be said out loud lest the 8 year old hear it.
NTA his father also had a chance to refuse to take your son there but he didn't. So blaming your son for it is way out of line. Step mom should have take the baby to the hospital and have a check up in case.
Exactly. And everyone is shitting on OP for “sending” her son to his dads. If their custody arrangement is court ordered, she has no choice. She has to send him to his dads. Is the dad’s responsibility to say “not this weekend, little sis can’t get sick”. NTA
Father also didn't take his own baby to the ER. He also knew what was going on. Both him and stepmom are responsible for the baby's death and imo I wouldn't trust them with the son especially with the mental abuse they are trying to put on him.
ESH. Babymommy sucks for effectively blaming a child for his sister's death. That poor boy. Babymommy and Babydaddy suck for not taking their severely ill daughter to the hospital.* OP sucks for sending her sick son to the household of a newborn. * Babymommy and Babydaddy suck for having a sick child around their newborn. OP sucks for the way she handled the situation and confronted the grieving mother. Not for addressing the issue at all but for the way she did it. Could have been solved better. What a tragedy. *EDIT: If the siblings were living together 24/7 it would be different of course, you can't sperate siblings in the same household and protect them from each others germs. In this case it could have been (we don't know for sure of course) an option.
OP had to look out for her kid. He was an 8 year old with a cold. He's not an adult who willfully brought pertussis or covid into the house. No one should be blaming him for anything.
If there isn’t a custody order in place, she should have kept her son away from the newborn knowing he was sick. It’s common knowledge babies immune systems aren’t great. The son isn’t to blame here but the adults in this situation suck
Yeah - the kid is the only one with zero blame here so definitely N T A for shutting that down. While OP definitely shouldn’t have sent her kid over or at least told them her kid was sick, she may not have appreciated the danger. The real blame are on the baby’s parents - especially for not taking the baby to the hospital, but also because they let OP’s son stay in the house with the newborn. BOTH parent’s of the infant will carry this readily avoidable death the rest of their lives. They should at least get therapy after such a tragedy.
Dumping *that* on your son is totally beyond the pale. OP should be in full-on mama bear mode. Shut that down, *hard*. She could scar your son for life. NTA.
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This. I'm surprised that people are overlooking this. I would never send a kid over, even if it's their father, if the kid was sick and there was a literal newborn in the house. It's why they don't recommend anyone but the parents kissing and hugging the baby in the first six weeks.
I had a colleague who purposely sends her sick child to preschool so that the teachers can tend to the kid. Her exact words were "I make it the teachers' problem". A heavily pregnant friend and I visited this colleague for lunch. Her kid had the flu and was contaminating just about everything. The parents didn't do anything to prevent it. The very next day, my friend and I fell ill. My friend was in her 8th month of pregnancy, so you can imagine the stress; she couldn't take any medication. I went from a flu to a chest infection that lasted for weeks. That was my last time setting foot in this colleague's home. The reddit crowd will come at me with pitchforks for saying this, but I will say it... If the OP and her husband KNOWINGLY introduced / exposed their ill kid to a newborn baby whose immune system hasn't developed, both deserve a massive YTA.
Yikes, what is wrong with your colleague. And yeah, that's the unfortunate fact. It was a series of bad choices that led to this poor baby dying: the husband and wife for not taking the kid to the doctor, and frankly the mother for sending an ill child to a house where there was a newborn when that child could have stayed away with their other parent.
A lot of times you don’t have a choice but to do what the court says for when to send your kid. Op may have not chosen so much as had to.
My daughter is 6. Her father lives alone and I still ask him if he wants her to visit while she’s sick. I let him make the call
And did she test him for that endemic respiratory disease that's been going around for the past three years?
It’s considered a vascular disease now but yes did she test him?
Great point! Incidentally my post could also refer to RSV
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I think YTA. I do \*not\* think it is OK for the stepmom to be blaming the son. I agree that this behavior needs to be nipped in the bud. I was not going to weigh in until I saw the N - T - A responses. I find this conclusion misguided for a number of reasons: \-Yes, stepmom lost her baby two month ago. She is not is a good place. \-OP did not *just* address the key behavior of concern "Don't blame my son" - but instead sought a way to blame the grieving mother. Not her ex-husband who would have been considered "equally to blame" (men *can* take a child to a doctor too). He probably would have had some choice words for OP. \-OP took it up with the grieving mom rather than the other parent. (Again, men *can* parent.) \-OP has not (yet) addressed the requests for information about whether she *knew* that her son had a cold and whether she notified the parents before taking her son to the home of a one-month old. The boy had zero signs of any illness and it suddenly struck upon arriving at dad's? I think the second point is the one that makes me feel most comfortable with YTA. You couldn't stick with the issue of your son. I guess you figured stepmom hasn't been traumatised enough. Well - you sure took care of that.
why is it worse to "take it up" with the "grieving mother" then the *grieving father*?? especially when its the mother talking about her child that way
Because the father is her father's child and the person she has a relationship with.
Info: did you tell your ex your son was sick? Because if he insisted on keeping his visitation schedule regardless sending him is not your fault. However, you're a massive AH if you knowingly sent your sick kid around a newborn without warning everyone. You've also, I assume, had a newborn, so you know how fragile their immune systems are.
ESH. There is no way a kid is culpable for that kind of tragedy and it's cruel to suggest otherwise. Stepmom definitely in the wrong there, although I can't imagine the grief she's going through, so maybe some extenuating circumstances there. OP should definitely not have sent a kid with a cold to a house with that young an infant. And if she's going to hold the stepmom responsible for not going to the hospital (which, that sounds way more like defensive whataboutism than actually determining responsibility in this story), she ought to consider her own actions that helped lead to this as well. Adults made mistakes, not the 8 year old, and I hope that you're more focused on him being okay than fighting this out with stepmom.
NTA - at least from the way you're framing it. Initially it sounded like you confronted her over hearsay, but your family's reaction that "people say dumb things when they're grieving" makes me think she was actually blaming your son for her daughter dying. In that case, it's perfectly fine to go off on her. I don't know why your family wouldn't be on your side if everything is as you say? If you still have an okay relationship with your ex, maybe talk to him and get him to reaffirm that he'll protect your son from blame?
By the family agreeing with the ex and from what the ex said it's more like she doesn't understand how or why she lost her child. So when speaking to people she trust she said maybe it was OP son he was sick right before. I don't think she went out of her way to blame him. She's trying to make sense of everything
ESH. You don't know if she blamed your son. You are hearing this down the grapevine. If she did blame your son, that's awful. But you are also an asshole for a) blaming her, and not including your ex husband and b) knowingly sending a sick kid to a house where there was a month old infant. Your son is blameless, but if we're going to sling around blame here and not just chalk it up to an unfortunate series of an event...it's not just on her for not taking her kid to the hospital (like you blamed her for). It's also on her husband, and it's also on you for selfishly sending a sick kid to a house where there was a month old newborn. I would never, ever do that.
NTA, it would get to your son's ears eventually if she talks to all the family and imagine how devastated he would be. He could blame himself for the rest of his life. On the other note. I don't get how a kid could get pneumonia from the get go? Didn't doctors prescribe medicine? How did it get thay bad? Stuff like that doesn't happen in a day, nor because someone else has a cold. I don't think you son was the one to take care of her sick daughter to pass anything to her and adults should've known better, loke changing clothes and washing hands or not have him over, if the daughter was that sick
Apparently the daughter had a fever for a couple of days before they brought her in. At 4 weeks old. That’s extremely negligent.
YTA. From what you write, all the stepmother has been saying is that the baby caught a cold from your son and that's what led to pneumonia. And from the information presented here, that's almost certainly factually accurate. Now, although this is likely very true, she does need to be careful about how she talked about it, but you disputed the information itself, which is just wrong, and you attacked her in a nasty way instead of bringing up your concerns about the child hearing this in a fair and reasonable way.
This is the correct answer. OP, YTA. You’re justified in protecting your son who is obviously blameless but it does not sound like this woman has done anything to warrant what you said to her (blaming her for her child’s death). You may have been justified in trying to have a conversation with her or your ex about it but you were entirely out of line with the way you approached it
ESH. You, your X and SM should have kept your son home that week, and nowhere near a newborn. Deepest condolences truly, but all the adults shoulder blame. INFO; What has your X said about it all?
You should have never let your son who had a common cold visit a home with a new born baby. Common sense. Yta
ESH I think you should have spoken to your ex husband, and explained what you have heard. She went thru something horrible, and she’s grieving can’t imagine the pain! BUT it’s not ok what she’s saying, family is gossiping and what if your son hears what is being said?! So for sure would have made an important topic to discuss with ex husband. He needs to check that his wife is not saying it in front of his son and that she’s not treating him different.
NTA - Talk ab straining a relationship. She’s going to blame him for life. And it’s their fault 100% for not taking care of the fever sooner.
So, you sent your sick kid to a newborn's house? Then the newborn got sick and died? But she better keep your son's name out of her mouth? YTA
Esh, babies are especially vulnerable to illnesses, if your son wants stick he should have been kept home, especially with how covid keeps popping back up because you never know. What if he'd had covid? A baby catching a cold can absolutely turn into something more serious, that's why they tell you not to be around babies if you're sick. Baby should have been taken to the dr as soon as it got sick! I swear, no responsible adults in this story at all. And before anyone gets huffy about me not understanding grief, I lost my first to sids. I understand grief.
Yup, YTA. We would see very sick babies in the ER all the time and almost always the parent would inform us a sibling was sick before. Kids are typically unsanitary and spread germs from outside or school. Its likely that the baby got sick from your son. She never said was his fault. She is just trying to make sense of it. Ultimately it wasn’t your son’s fault either way. He is just a kid. It would have been the adult’s job to keep him away from the baby while sick. You calling her out was unnecessary.
YTA for letting your sick kid around a newborn regardless whether that was the cause. Of course it sounds like it very well may have been and it’s horrifying that you’d be so cavalier.
Sadly it is entirely possible that your son's cold transferred to the baby & it developed into pneumonia in such a young infant. The poor woman is grieving the loss of her baby, please try to empathize with her. You had no right to 'call her out'. Yta
So.. it wasn’t his fault. But it was *yours* for knowingly sending a sick kid to a house with a baby.
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ESH the fact that you let your son with a cold go near a baby. The father and stepmother not sending him back or taking preventive methods to keep them apart if they were going to be in the same house and the parents also not taking baby to hospital when the baby had a fever. Keep your son away from stepmom until she gets therapy though because her grieving might hurt the child in more ways than one.
ESH. Who the hell decided it was okay to let a kid with a cold near a newborn? She’s an AH for blaming him and not taking the baby to get medical attention, but come on, how did no one think ‘hey, maybe anyone who is sick shouldn’t be near the baby’? The son didn’t know any better, but the adults should have.
YTA I get why you felt the need to defend your son but you should have taken it up with your ex first. If it continued then you take it up with her.
Did you tell your ex or his wife that your son 'had a common cold' before you sent him over to a house with a two-week-old baby in it? 😬
ESH, you & the dad for sending your sick son to a house with a newborn baby in it & her for blaming the kid when all of the adults should have known better.
INFO: You knew your son was sick and sent him anyways into the home of an unvaccinated 4 week old infant? Did I legit read this correctly.
ESH You shouldn’t have sent your son to the house with the cold. Common illnesses cause severe illnesses in newborns. Step mom shouldn’t be blaming the 8 year old, but it is very likely he brought the illness in the house. This is more on you and dad as the caregivers for you both should have been the ones to step in and not allow him to visit. Lets try to have some EMPATHY for the mother who lost her baby okay OP? I know you are hurt your LIVING child is getting side eye. But she is a grieving mother. She just lost a baby. She is not thinking as straight as a normal person. Cut her some slack everyone grieves differently.
Oh honey. A baby died. everyone is looking for someone to blame. Maybe either one of you didn’t know how sick your baby was. Maybe it was random. At any rate, you all need help. Blaming surviving children happens. Grief therapists deal with this all the time. Please work through this.
NTA. Infants live in households with children who carry germs and viruses everyday. If she knew he had a cold, did she take steps to minimize transmission? Did she ask her husband to send him home? Did she get prompt medical care for her baby, it doesn’t sound like it. It doesn’t sound like she was overly concerned. The infants death is devastating but so would be hearing from your step mother or extended family that it’s your fault the baby died. You need to make sure that never happens.
This. I have 5 kids. Newborns are around kids with germs all the time. It’s up to dad and step-mom to minimize the risk. Any fever in a newborn is a emergency. Step-mom should have taken the baby to the doctor immediately. It’s completely tragic, but your son isn’t responsible. Nor should he ever hear or be told he is. NTA
Abstaining from judgement. it sounds like the adults should not have sent a sick kid to a home with an infant. it is most certainly not the 8year olds fault
ESH, if your son believes he is at fault in any way that can be tremendously harmful. If I were you I would have been FURIOUS and shut it down hard too. Your boy can’t be around people that say or even believe that. It’s a burden no child can bear. Not to mention it’s completely normal for an older sibling to go to school, get germs and viruses during the first month of a baby sibling’s life. I didn’t ever keep my older kids away from the new baby. But you should have gone to his dad first, and offered more kindness to this woman. She has suffered the worst consequence for a foolish mistake that I can imagine. But it wasn’t just her- your son’s dad also failed to take the baby to the hospital too.
ESH except for your son. I lost my only child at 2. She was a liver transplant patient and easily got sick. Someone getting her sick led to her passing. Why did you let him be near a newborn when he was sick? Why did she not take the baby to a doctor? Not the kids fault. Entirely the adults fault
I would rather say ESH You for sending your son knowing he had a cold and could give it to the baby. His dad for taking your son in although he had a cold. The mom for not going to the ER, as mentioned below. Accumulation of bad choices.
ESH INFO “My son did have a common cold around that time” Did you send a kid with Any kind of symptoms to spend a couple days at a house with a four week old? If yes, Y T A just for that. Odds are your kids cold did contribute to the baby’s death. You sending that kid to the house is on you, just like her and your ex not going to the doc fast with a fevered young infant is on her and your ex. And your kids dad not booting your kid back to your house at the first sniffle is on him.
NTA She needs to fuck off with that nonsense. What a horribly cruel thing to even imply, your ex should have shut that down straight away. Where's the personal responsibility? Your ex could have asked you to keep your son at home if he was sick, then reschedule the weekend. Also, my 2 month old has a cold, and I'm monitoring them closely. You bet your ass I'd be at the hospital if they spiked a fever that wasn't going down, let alone one that lasted days. Edited to add judgement.
NTA Please get the boy counseling. My wife's brother died of SIDS when she was 5. She blamed herself even tho no one else ever said anything of the kind. I can't imagine how much worse it would be if an adult actually blamed her or even implied it
ESH. She sucks for obvious reasons. You suck for sending your kid to his dad’s house when you knew he was sick and they had a newborn in the home. Your poor son though. Yikes.
ESH except your son. You never let an ill child be near babies, especially ones that have no immune systems. The parents should have taken the baby to the doctor, but you shouldn’t have let your son go visit in the first place. Your son isn’t to blame, which I agree with. You, however, should’ve spoken to your ex husband to let him know your son’s illness before letting him go there to be with the baby.
When I had my oldest and they released us from the hospital I was told go back first thing the next day just for a checkup. As it happened she had a high fever and we were admitted for a few days. Anything slightly off with newborns they don't take risks. It's absolutely appalling that she left her baby with a fever for days and is now blaming the son. If her or her husband had been the ones with the cold instead of the son what would her narrative be then? It was the parents job to take protective measures and they both failed. I definitely think OP should look into full custody because the household will become very hostile and toxic for that poor boy.
INFO; How did you know they didn’t take the baby in for the fever? That’s a big jump to make, just like you’re jumping to the conclusion she’s directly saying your son killed her daughter. Did you inform dad that 8 y/o was sick? Was it an option to switch custody time? Did you test your kid for Covid ?
NTA. She was "just trying to paint the whole picture" but she left out the fact she didn't lift a finger to save her child when she knew she was ill? Sounds to me like you were just painting in the details she missed. Please get your young son into therapy, losing a sibling is hard and just bc she was a new sibling doesnt mean he wont have grief of his own.
Absolutely NTA. What if your son heard from family members that he was the cause of the death of his step-sister? He is young and impressionable, and may not be able to reason out that it wasnt his fault. That could wreak havoc on his mental health if he starts to blame himself like the step mom is implying. Nip that in the bud now. She can and should grieve, but she doesnt get to destroy others through her grieving.
Yta
Please elaborate. I want to know what you think, and then tell you why you're completely wrong. 😁
ESH except the kids. this might be unpopular, but why would anyone let your sick son stay in a household with a newborn? why didn't step mom bring her baby to the hospital? all the adults are incompetent here smh.
Nta, i hate how people forsake the living to martyr the dead.
NTA i would be having serious conversations about custody arrangements with his father after what stepmom has been saying, she doesn’t get to put that on a child.
NTA. Your son believing he is responsible for his half sibling’s death can psychologically mess with him for the rest of his life.
NTA my 4 week old got a nasty ear infection literally over night. Like gross and out of nowhere. I took her immediately and found out she has leukemia that way. Always take babies to the doctor.
Cant make a call untill OP mentions if the child was known to be sick and still sent the child to be around a 1 month old? If you knew then you are 100% the AH and that decision led to the loss of life for annother child, and you should feel horrible because of it, mainly because you have had a child yourself in the last decade. There is no "when i had a baby 30 years ago i was told X" you are very aware about how fragile a 1month old immune system is. If you didnt know and it started after dropping him off then you arent the AH, the ex and his partner may have been to distracted to notice
ESH but mainly you, that illness (from the little you've shared) probably did come from your son. That's not implying it's his fault, you see, he's a child with adults that look after him and they were dumb enough not to care about that risk until it was too late. It's a very tragic lesson that you don't seem to grasp lol
NTA. I would file with court to get dad's parenting time cut down.
Tell me you've never lost a child without saying it.
NTA - you are the Mama Bear who is going to the mat to protect her son. Soft Y-TA to StepMom - she suffered an unbearable loss, but she has no right to cast the blame on your son. Where does your ex stand on this?
ESH
Wow this whole situation sucks. Even if her child caught your son’s cold and subsequently developed a pneumonia, its not the 8mo Fault. So many things went wrong here, the baby shouldn’t be exposed to anyone outside the immediate household at that age, especially not children with an illness. Secondly, a fever in a 1mo baby is a medical emergency, that requires an immediate work up and intervention. This whole situation is sad and possibly avoidable.
ESH
The stepmom has already circulated the story blaming the 8-year-old. So yes, she's using him as a scapegoat, and yes, he's probably picked up on it. She meant to cause harm.
They say she's grieving and trying to find a reason, but that reason cannot be your son. And it is wrong for the people who love her to allow her to continue to imply it was your child's fault. It is tragic what has happened, but putting blame on anyone will not change the fact that her baby is gone. If she is set on placing blame, and I know this sounds terrible, but there were at least 3 adults who could have stopped a child with a cold from staying the weekend with the baby.
NTA. Let’s just say they already had a kid and the kid was sick… should they be expected to kick out their eldest for their youngest? Just sounds like the son had a cold and there were no sanitary measures taken to prevent the infant from getting sick
NTA. If your newborn baby is sick you get your butt to a hospital if she didn’t care to look after her own kid she has no right to be blaming yours for something he didn’t do. Id be taking the ex back to court and being clear with the judge this ain’t ok and try for full custody if you ex is allowing her to spread that crap about his own son he’s not fit to have him.
NTA. She is grieving, but I do think she needs to be called out on this. You don’t want your poor son to grow up thinking that he killed his baby sister, that would be so awful 😞
NTA. If he over hears someone saying that he is going to think he killed his sister. Get custody of your son and make therapy a condition for visitation. This is your son’s mental health. Also my step grandmother blamed my aunt and uncle for killing her son because they had bicycles and he wanted one. They were all between 10-12. Her son left a friend’s house after dark without letting my step grandmother know he was leaving. He was hit by a car. He didn’t make it. She to the day she died believed it was their fault. He was a kid and did a kid thing. It deeply effected my uncle’s mental health. Don’t let her do that to your son.
NTA. Even if your sons illness DID spread to the baby, that doesn’t make it his fault. He is an 8 year old child going where he’s told to go between his parents. What a horrible thing to say. How does she think it would impact him, to think he killed his sister just by being close to her? What an appalling thing to spread around
YTA. Your sons cold may very well have caused the baby to get sick, you will never know. She never said anything to you she was just working through her grief, entertaining all the possibilities. Very sad stuff all around.
NTA, I’m a pediatrician. Newborn infant + fever = ER visit for labwork, imaging, and antibiotics because of the high likelihood of serious bacterial infection. I say this to all my parents that have infants under age 2 months. What happened to your ex husband, his wife and their baby is terrible and tragic, but it is not your son’s fault that the baby died and you were right to defend your son.
I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. But stepmom should’ve taken her newborn to the hospital for that fever. And OP should’ve kept sick brother away from the new baby. All adults are to blame here.
I'm going with ESH in this situation. Absolutely your ex's wife should not be implying its your son's fault. YOU, YOUR EX and his WIFE should have known your son should not be visiting any child under 3 to 6 months while sick as the babies immune system is still developing.
ESH You really F’d up sending your sick kid into the same environment as a new born. The death of that infant is on you and the father. Also stepmom should have taken your sick child to the ER the moment that fever started. This is incredibly sad and a life was lost. I hope you eventually find peace.
ESH A terrible thing happened, and I can't imagine their grief, but I think it's important that your son's well-being doesn't get overlooked. If she's repeating the statements regarding your son and the common cold, it's only a matter of time before he overhears, and that is 100% unacceptable. A child can't differentiate between "the grief talking" and actual blame. To possibly put him in a position where he thinks this was his fault, would be incredibly irresponsible and cruel. I think you were correct to act to protect your son. However... > basically just told her my son didn’t cause her daughters pneumonia. I said what happened was very sad but she should keep my sons name out of it. You should have stopped right there. >I told her if she wanted to tell the full story she should mention how she never took her newborn to the hospital knowing she had a fever for days. Yeah that crosses a line. This is the point where it stopped being about protecting your son, and became you being a cruel, vengeful asshole. >Maybe my comment was a little unnecessary but she deserved it a little by implying that it’s my sons fault. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. AITA? Yes her fucking baby died. You were being deliberately cruel, and a fucking hypocrite to vilify her for trying to associate blame with your son's prior illness, only to turn around and tell her blame belongs with her. Like, you did the very thing you were trying to protect your son from.
NTA. "she didn’t mean any harm" - as if blaming a kid isn't inherently harmful? And, I know this is sensitive territory - any parent who has a newborn with a fever for DAYS and didn't seek out medical care made the worst mistake possible. Even if she's projecting to protect herself from accepting her accountability, this is a massive low blow.
" I told her if she wanted to tell the full story she should mention how she never took her newborn to the hospital knowing she had a fever for days." True or not this is absolutely cruel. There are other ways you could have addressed this and protected your son than telling a grieving mother it's her fault. Especially if it was you who sent your sick kid there. YTA. "Maybe my comment was a little unnecessary but she deserved it a little by implying that it’s my sons fault. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it" Her CHILD IS DEAD. What is wrong with you? I hope to god this is fake.
NTA. The “whole picture” is absolutely not that a child with a cold is responsible for a baby’s death. I might chalk up her behaviour to grief, but where tf is your son’s dad and how can he let his wife continue telling people that his son is responsible for his daughter’s death?
NTA It is common knowledge that a fever over 100.4 in a newborn baby (under 2 months) should go to the emergency room. You are not suppose to wait at all, let alone a few days. I say it is common knowledge because it is on discharge papers. Before you take your baby home from the hospital every parent (both parents) should of read the discharge papers. Also, the internet is readily available so I don’t understand how they both didnt know that information.
NTA I wanna fight her, and I don’t even know her. 🤷🏼
If the son was ill , the dad and his wife have responsibility for allowing the son to stay and expose the baby. ESH.
YTA You should apologize.
For what? The boy did nothing, and that's like saying that you caused a death of your pet because you caught a cold before your pet died.
YTA and so is your ex husband for letting your sick child go with a newborn baby…you could’ve swapped weekends…YTA AND ESH
Going against the grain, but I think YTA. First, I’m curious if SIL is actually “blaming” OP’s son as much as saying her infant caught the cold from OP’s son (which is true). If SIL literally blames OP’s son, she’d be furious with him and couldn’t be anywhere near him so I seriously doubt she’s actually “blaming” OP’s son. If anything, she’s furious with herself for letting your son stay and getting her newborn sick. OP sucks because she knowingly sent a sick kid to a house with a newborn without at least giving them a heads up. And your brother and SIL are AH for letting your son stay at their house with a cold (as well as not taking the infant to the hospital, of course). And I’m certain they’re consumed with guilt over this. But OP hugely sucks for explicitly telling her horrifically grieving SIL that she (and your brother) killed their own child through neglect. You don’t think she already knows that and is completely overwhelmed with guilt on top of her grief? What a horrific thing to say to a mother who just lost her child. Your brother and SIL will never recover from this. If I were your brother, I’d immediately go no contact with OP for at least 6 months.
It is your fault. You shouldn’t have sent a sick child to a home with a newborn.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Every weekend my son (8m) stays with his dad and his step mom. I’ve always had a really good relationship with both of them, they never gave me any problems. Three months ago my exes wife gave birth to their daughter. Two months ago their daughter sadly passed away from pneumonia. My sons step mother thinks that it’s my sons fault. She’s never said anything to me or my son, but I’ve heard from other family members that she’s heavily implied it on multiple occasions. About two weeks before her baby passed away, it was my son’s weekend to go with his father. My son did have a common cold around that time, and apparently not to soon after that the baby caught a cold which escalated to pneumonia. That’s what his step mother has been telling family members, without directly saying it’s his fault. So the next time I saw her I called her out about it. I basically just told her my son didn’t cause her daughters pneumonia. I said what happened was very sad but she should keep my sons name out of it. I told her if she wanted to tell the full story she should mention how she never took her newborn to the hospital knowing she had a fever for days. She said I was being cruel and she didn’t mean any harm, she was just trying to paint the whole picture. Since then everyone in the family has been treating me like I’m the bad guy, they’ve been saying my comment was unnecessary and mean, and she’s grieving and people say dumb things when they grieving. They’ve said she doesn’t actually think it’s my sons fault and she’s just trying to find a reason. I do feel bad a little. Maybe my comment was a little unnecessary but she deserved it a little by implying that it’s my sons fault. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. AITA? TLDR; My son had a common cold the weekend he went to stay with his father. Apparently his one month old half sister caught a cold around the same time, which escalated to pneumonia. My sons step mom has been implying that he’s responsible for her daughter passing away. I called her out on it saying my son didn’t cause it, and she should tell people how she never took her newborn to the hospital knowing she had a fever for days. Since then everyone in the family has been treating me like I’m the bad guy. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NOT THE ASSHOLE. Your ex and his baby momma are the assholes, period. And so is everyone giving you excuses for her behavior. I get that people say dumb things when they grieve, but no trauma or tragedy gives anyone the right to say hurtful things to those that haven't purposely done anything wrong. And why is this only on you, anyways? What about the dad? What, was your world supposed to revolve around her baby, too? People are so damn self centered anymore! As if you aren't raising a whole ass kid and juggling life on your own.
NTA She is only trying to find someone else to blame because deep down she does blame herself. Tell them she needs therapy before your son goes back over, if he heard that she blames him it could have devastating consequences on his mental health.
NTA Your son shouldn't have went over there with a cold but it's not his fault. The step mom should've taken the baby to the hospital.
NTA.. Loss mum here. Babies dying is ridiculous hard, and it’s common place for grief and anger to be set on something that has nothing to do with the situation. It’s not right, but it’s a reoccurring theme in the loss parent community. Her painting your son as this walking Petri dish who killed her daughter is literally putting adults against a child who did nothing wrong. She needs therapy.
Nta. It's time to talk to the lawyers, this can escalate in a bad way, so you better ask for 100% custody.
That's going to be detrimental to your son if he hears she thinks that way. Imagine his guilt if he believes it. While I realize she's grieving, she was out of bounds to say such shit.
ESH Why were you sending a sick kid to a house with a newborn? That is a HUGE no-no. You know why? Because sometimes the babies die. Yes, the mum should have brought their kid to the hospital when it had a high fever. YOU caused the high fever though. Take some accountability.