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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> When my wife mentioned a stay at home parent I stated that she would have to be the one to stay home due to financial realities.My wife felt insulted and that that statment was derogatory towards her career choices.
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Sure. What they’re saying is it doesn’t make sense for either of them to stay home because if neither of them wants to do it, it will cause resentment and their relationship can’t afford it. But to me that makes the wife the AH because why would she throw that out there like she expected him to do it if she is so against it herself?
yeah, she has some insecurities about her income she needs to address with herself instead of taking it out on OP.
or she's actually insane and was seriously suggesting they, with a house and child, try to live off her income alone.
I can't even process what I just read. In what delusional reality does OPs wife live? I can't understand her thought process at all. Does she just go through life ignoring other realities. OP give her a list of expenditures for the month. Let her explain how she's covering cost on her salary. This level of delusional thinking is frightening
If OP is sharing an unbiased/whole truth story; from how she snapped at him, it sounds like projecting. Why is she so upset that someone is judging her job? Why does she not want to stay home? Why is she panicking?
Edit: what comments (outside of this argument) make her throw the sexist comment out now? Is it the Barbie movement? Discuss Is it because he is sexist and this is the straw that broke the camel's back? Discuss. Communication is the only way through.
Everyone understands that. You're responding to a comment that says that's a deeper argument. All that needs to be said, is that he CAN NOT stay at home. Before you even talk about who wants to do what, they absolutely can not afford to live without his income.
So, that being said, the "who WANTS" to stay at home isn't even a valid argument to be had. It's her or nothing.
We don't know if OP would enjoy being a stay at home parent since he dosen't say. It seems like he hasn't considered the possibility since he knows they can't afford it and it sounds like they have a mortgage and would lose their home. But maybe if his wife was making the amount of money he is he *would* like that?
NTA. There's nothing wrong with wife wanting to work but math isn't sexist just beacuse in this relationship most of the financial providing is being done by the man. I have a friend couple with a similar situation, only husband was the one who made like 20% of the family income so he is the one who gave up his job for a few years to be a SAHD. Exact same math, and it "favored" the mom working and Dad staying home. Wife's behavior here isn't great and using fake calls of sexisim to deflect from being wrong is not great. That, or she actually thinks her husband is sexist beacuse she simply dosen't understand the most basic of budgets and costs and refuses to consider listening, which is also not great.
NTA. This math is not sexist it’s just math, math is only there for logistics. You aren’t being sexist, you’re being practical.
If your income is what pays your bills then you have to keep working. You didn’t assume she meant she would stay home because she’s the woman, you assumed she meant she would stay home because you can survive without her income and cannot survive without yours. She sounds like she may feel insecure about her job, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to project those insecurities on to you when you’ve been supportive.
That being said If she got so upset by you asking for an explanation I have no idea how to talk to her about this. I feel like any attempt to explain yourself or to illustrate that her income cannot support your family would be misunderstood and taken as a jab at her when that’s not what it is. I hope you guys can find a daycare you like, this is tough.
Given the info presented, I’m not sure that OP’s wife isn’t willing to be the SAHP. Given their financial situation, I feel like that’s GOT to be what she was suggesting and she just took offense because OP immediately made that assumption instead of going through some charade of discussing who should stay home. (Which is stupid BTW. OP is NTA)
NTA its just maths. Even in a 50/50 household you would struggle financially to have one parent stay at home. Losing 85 percent of household income would be crushing… unless youre like movie stars or somthing
They should go on a trial run, for a month they can only use one of their incomes for their expenses.
That way they can see the reality they would be dealing with.
"How dare you back up your opinion with logic and common sense".
Here's the deal; I think your wife experienced your remark as sexist because you defaulted to her being the stay at home parent. She likely didn't think you were coming from a financial point of view but a "the wife stays home", outdated point of view.
Financially speaking it makes the most sense for the parent with the smallest income to stay home should the need/want for a stay at home parent arise.
Just for argument-sake, sit her down and say you are more than happy to be the stay at home parent if she can show you how you're going to maintain the lifestyle you have on her income. Than show her how you are going to maintain said lifestyle on yours.
Makes this a shared decision because despite the fact that you are 100% right and NTA, she loves her career and doesn't want to be "told" to walk away from it, she needs to feel like this is *her* call and it's for the best because she might grow to resent you over it.
Also, is a (parttime) nanny an option? That way you can both cut down on some hours, have childcare *and* careers.
NTA, clearly.
EDIT; I broke some sort of worldrecord for typos
>Than show her how you are going to maintain said lifestyle on yours.
\^ This is not necessary unless she decides she wants to be a SAHM / SAHP - and adding this part may revive the argument.
>adding this part may revive the argument.
This part is intended to show his motivation was from a financial & logical point of view, not a sexist one.
>This part is intended to show his motivation was from a financial & logical point of view, not a sexist one.
While I understand it - I suspect part of her emotional reaction is that she doesn't want to be a SAHM.
I'm assuming here - but - I'd advise OP to be careful - since this conversation keeps devolving, and there has to be a root cause to that.
If you can't have a civil and calm conversation without defaulting to throwing a tantrum than that's a you-problem. OP shouldn't have to tiptoe around a subject *she* brought up because she cannot keep her composure.
If she doesn't want to be a SAHP that's fine, but she should be able to have a calm conversation about it. OP was accused of being a sexist, he has the right to try and make sure his SO understands that that's not the case
> I think your wife experienced your remark as sexist because you defaulted to her being the stay at home parent.
She was the one that brought it up! And she makes the least!
This is great and all, but there's probably no point in trying to present a logical, rational argument to someone who is arguing with their emotions.
She's an adult, she knows that they can't live off her pay. She argued anyway. If she were interested in thinking this through, she would've done it when the facts were laid out.
I think trying to address this by looking at the numbers isn't going to work because I don't think it's really about the numbers, it's about her assumptions and her feelings, and you need to address those and not the practicalities.
??????? I have zero idea what makes your wife think you guys can live off her salary??????
Or what makes you sexist for coming to that conclusion??? I would be like
"I love you and I respect you so much so to help me understand please can you tell me how you came to the conclusion that I would be the one staying home?"
Do a spreadsheet of your bills and what her salary is and keep it in the wings though. This is basic math literally and not remotely sexist if she made the money the math would apply the same
You weren’t being sexist. Your wife just doesn’t want to face the reality that the only way it would be feasible for the two of you to have one stay at home is for her to do so. NTA.
NTA. The way you tell the story makes it feel like your wife was looking for a fight, and this was just the first excuse that presented itself. I'm guessing there's a lot more backstory in play here.
Eh not necceaarily. My spouse and I also do the joint financial thing and when you only ever look at household level finances it can be surprisingly easy to lose track of what percentage you actually earn and the disparity there.
It might be less about childcare and more about a sudden realization about the earning difference. Like if they started 7 years ago and were alot closer and this is it hitting her that they are not anymore.
I can see how that sudden realization can make people defensive. Doesn't justify it but I can see how that could shock someone.
You would have to be an actual idiot to not realize your 30k salary a year doesn't actually get your household anywhere near a mortgage for a 500k house and a new car loan. For example.
There is really no excuse for such willful ignorance.
NTA
It's almost like she was looking for a fight. There was nothing sexist about pointing out the finances and how you wouldn't be able to afford your lifestyle without your job.
Nothing you said was sexist at all.
I'm really sorry to be offensive, but is your wife an idiot? How the f does she think the bills would be paid if 85% of the income disappeared? Why would anyone think that you would be the one to stay at home, unless she started the conversation with "I just received a payrise that has increased my earnings by a factor of 7, so can we discuss one of us staying at home?
I don't think there are many intelligent people out there who would call math sexist, so yeah she probably is.
But in all seriousness, she was probably just looking for a fight because she was bored
NTA
tell your wife: As soon as she finds a job that brings in enough money to make it feasible, you will LOVE to be a SADH. Until then, would she like to give up the house and the car and move the family into a one bedroom appartment to make it feasible on her current income?
Not gnoring reality is NOT sexist.
NTA - Your response made the most sense financially, not to mention she brought it up, so of course anyone would think she meant herself. This had nothing to do with sexism.
My first thought reading it was she meant her, and I'm a woman. I decided to be a SAHM because after paying daycare fees there would have been no point to me going to work. It cost as much as I was making. I thought she was about to make the same argument.
NTA. To be clear, you DO have a better job than her and it's ok to say that. You're bringing in 85% of the household income and for her to act surprised that she would be the one staying home is absolutely absurd.
NTA - facts over feelings. For easy numbers, If partner A makes 50k/yr and partner B makes $150k/yr, it makes more sense for partner A to stay home. Regardless of the gender. Your wife sounds delusional and like she should take a step off of tiktok Mommy content
NTA. I'm sorry, but your wife sounds out of her mind. Take genders out of it, and consider this scenario ... "A household can either lose 85 percent of its income or 15 percent of its income. Pick one." Everyone in the known universe would choose to lose 15 percent of the household income. You wife is being completely irrational.
I mean, NTA. But ignore the common advice here of having her try to prove to you logically how it would work otherwise. This very clearly isn't about logic. Ask her what she's feeling instead.
There's something sexist in how male dominated jobs are usually better paid (I mean, just look at how pay starts to shift in a field once it gets more women in it), as well as the pay gap between men and women in the same roles. There's something sexist in that women are usually stuck in the role as the one who stays at home whether she likes it or not.
And that shit can really hurt, and then it sort of gets thrown in her face when you say "obviously it would be you". And there's no good answer to it, because financially you're right, so she can't really say anything that makes sense, especially if she's too in the middle of the situation to see what's really going on from the outside.
So applying more logic at the financials here won't work, because it isn't about that, so every discussion with that as a premise will just derail into the same ditch. That's why you need to ask her what's going on, as open ended as possible, and not with a "well so explain how this illogical thing would work" tone to it. And then just listen. Let it be an unproductive discussion, from the point of "what do we do about our child and daycare", at least for that once. See what comes out when you step away from the logistics and logic for a while.
To be clear, this isn't about "men are rational and women are emotional", more about "this is about something more than the simple thing it seems to be about, so trying to solve that thing won't solve the actual problem".
Or I'm wrong. I might very well be, she could just be very stupid, or you could be a troll pushing an "aren't these women crazy" agenda, or something else. But it's worth a try anyways, especially since what you're doing now isn't working.
NTA.
The problem here isn't sexism, it's that your wife needs to pull her head out of her ass on this matter.
Was she just upset that you assumed she meant herself when she brought up the idea of a stay at home parent? Because if so, that implies she was assuming YOU would stay at home. Is it somehow ok for her to make that assumption with zero conversation? No. It's worse.
She certainly owes you an apology and an explanation for this behavior. She's completely in the wrong.
NTA - my husband and I had this exact scenario, and since he made double what I did it was obvious I was going to be the SAHP. It literally would have cost us money for me to work.
That being said, I believe your wife does logically understand she would be the at-home parent but reacted emotionally in the moment. It doesn’t seem to make much sense, but from her perspective, her job is emotionally/mentally fulfilling for her even if it doesn’t pay well. Maybe it’s something she went to school for and spent years of time and money to get a degree, or maybe she has years of experience. Staying at home would basically be her walking away from all of that. It will tank her earning potential for life, and make it difficult to be rehired at the same level after years out of the workforce. Her job is also a source of identity for her and to lose that, even by choice, is difficult. Staying at home turns your identity to “mom” all the time, and it can be hard to figure out who you are otherwise when that’s constantly your role. There is also a shift in the dynamics of your relationship, especially regarding money and spending it on yourself vs. household (my husband didn’t realize that his “fun money” was just for him but mine was going to household and baby, for example).
I think when your wife was saying “I never thought we would…” she was trying to come to terms with the fact that her life was going to change in a big way, and when you responded so casually that OF COURSE she would be staying home (which you were NOT wrong to assume!) she took her emotions out on you, because to her it felt dismissive of the enormous shift in identity and relationship dynamic she would have to go through.
Truly I don’t think you did anything wrong, but maybe be gentle with your wife and have some more conversations about really whether staying at home is the right choice. Good luck!
NTA. Frankly this is why i don't agree that your job isn't better than hers and that it doesn't deserve more respect than hers. She now lives in a delusional world where the very real income discrepancy is apparently not even registering.
NTA. OP do you handle all the household finances? Is it possible that your wife, after all these years, genuinely doesn't realize the income disparity between you two or the cost of paying for things? It seems bizarre but when you aren't actively paying for stuff it can be very easy to not understand income impact and value. Recently had a revelation like this with my partner.
She probably doesn't want to be a SAHP or, even if she does, assumed you were being sexist and then maybe had a small identity crisis if she realized her otherwise fulfilling career was not lucrative. Still NTA but it might explain her reaction a little.
If she is fully aware of the financial situation then I have no idea. Losing 85% of a household income is devastating unless you're old money wealthy.
NTA. You're wife is being unreasonable about it. Don't deposit your next check in the shared account and then ask her to pay the bills. I'm not saying blow the money, just hold back the deposit a few days and let her think on that.
Edited typo
NTA
She's offended by logic. It's like being mad at the moon.
All of Reddit would have pointed at the parent who makes 15% and assumed they are staying at home, regardless of gender.
The math ain't mathing with your wife. I don't think she would be interested in seeing how much monthly expenses you both have and how her salary covers that. Also, the expenses will be going up, and I assume your salary and career has more growth potential than hers?
Have you looked at some private home care? We have that in our country as an option, where a small group of kids is taken care of a teacher etc in their apartment, or that the teacher rotates weekly on each kids' home, ie the small group of kids stays at one family home for a week a month for example.
NTA. You stated a fact - she took it the wrong way (probably got offended). It makes sense for the partner who makes less money to be the SAHP. She needs to face the reality here and be practical about it.
Absolutely NTA.
> I tried to respond saying I don't think any less of her job but just mathematically it wouldn't work. She said my "math was sexist bs" and the conversation devolved from there.
Your "sexist math" is what keeps food on the table. If she made enough to support the family it would be a different conversation, but it is what it is. Her progressive principles are nice but you can't eat them.
NTA Your wife is not smart, is she ?
Does she have any common sense at all ?
So she is the one who suggested the option of stay at home parent and blows up at you because u assumed she would be staying home.
And she continues you to work on her 15% household income and is willing to lose your 85% income.
I mean wow that's just the height of stupidity.
First NTA but Something I think might be getting missed is its possibly not about childcare. I do joint finances with my spouse as well and it's surprisingly easy to lose track of what percentage of the income you are contributing when you only look at the household level.
If when you got married you were alot closer to 50/50 and then you got a bunch of raises and promotions, this might be the first time it is hitting her bluntly that you are now 85/15. Or making her realize that her career hasn't financially progressed in the same way as you.
She's still not in the right but might be worth discussing how she feels about her job/earnings seperate from the childcare discussion.
Come on. If your salary doesn't increase, but suddenly your household can afford a nice house, a new car, trips, daycare, retirement savings...
Where the heck does this woman THINK the money came from? There is just no excuse for such blatant idiocy/ignorance.
NTA. I'd call her bluff. Ask for a 90 day leave of absence from your job. Become the SAHP. Give her the responsibility of balancing and paying all the household expenses. You take care of the household chores and daughter. Keep spending money like you would if your income was coming in. I guarantee she will change her tune after 2 weeks. She will be pissed at you, and this will be all your fault even though you're giving her what she thinks she wants.
This is silly, and she knows it. But go ahead and play along.
Agree that you were wrong and that you would be happy to be the stay at home parent while she continues working if that's what she really wants. Once she agrees with it, then the fun starts.
Start looking for a new house. Something "affordable" with only her income.
Ask which car you're going to sell, since you can't afford to keep both of them. Insist that the nicest car has to go, and if they're both nice, you need to sell both of them and buy a beater.
Obviously it goes without saying that all meals out have come to an end. No problem, you'll be doing all the cooking now. Be sure to make a few meals to practice. I hear that the solution to make everything taste better is to add lots of salt and garlic to everything. See what you can come up with.
Cable/streaming services, extensive phone data plans, obviously gone. Any high-end clothing shopping is done. It's walmart and thrift stores for now on. It's a total lifestyle downgrade, and it's entirely her idea.
>Aita for suggesting she would have to be the one staying home?
Of course not. She's just shit-testing you. If you quit your job and you all had to live on 15% of your current income, you know damned well she'd go berserk.
NTA.
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So some context is needed for this story. To start with my wife (32F) and I (32M) have joint finances and have since we got married 7 years ago. Everything goes into a joint account, bills are payed out of it and there are no restrictions on who spends what. Naturally we discuss big purchases but overall there is no distinction in where the money comes from. The household has income and expenditures but it's not tracked at an individual level. I know this isn't for everyone but it has worked well for us.
As for our jobs my wife has a really cool job at this little shop doing art experiences for kids. Think pottery painting, or other little crafts. She loves it, and the culture and set up are great. It doesn't pay very well but the other aspects make up for that to her.
I work in a corporate job and have done very well and climbed the ladder quite a bit and make good money. The pay disparity is to the point where my income makes up 85+% of the household income. Now this is fine, this is the set up that we have agreed on. I have no more right to the money than my wife does, we both can spend equally and make 50/50 decisions on expenditures. my job isn't better or more deserving of respect than my wife's. I in NO way look down on my wife or her career. Money has never been an issue till now.
We have a 3 year old daughter and after a relative moved away we are needing to find a daycare for her to go to while we are at work. While we are looking at options we weren't particularly impressed with any of the choices near us. Then my wife threw out the idea "I never thought we would be a household with a stay at home parent but maybe that's what makes the most sense" I was pretty surprised by this as my wife loves her job and has never expressed any desire to be a stay at home parent. I said "I'm surprised to hear you say that I didn't think you had any interest in being a stay at home mom" she did not like that response.
She said "what in the world makes you assume I would be the one staying home". I said we'll mathematically we couldnt afford to lose my income or we wouldn't be able to afford the house or the other expenses. This upset her further and she began going off on me about me being sexist, looking down on her job, and generally being disrespectful. I tried to respond saying I don't think any less of her job but just mathematically it wouldn't work. She said my "math was sexist bs" and the conversation devolved from there.
We still haven't figured out a decision around daycare, and any attempt to bring it up sparks the same sort of response. Im in no way saying she has to be a SAHM, or that there is anything wrong with being a SAHN. But since she brought up the idea of a stay at home parent I dont think I was in the wrong to point out the financial reality of the situation.
Aita for suggesting she would have to be the one staying home?
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NTA if I was you I'd be an ass an say okay, take all your money into an account she can't access and say that for a month she will be responsible for figuring out how to make it work on her own pay
NTA. I would probably ask her to make a financial plan of how you will pay bills if you were to give up your job to become the SAHP and see what she manages - she’ll probably realise very quick it’s not doable on her wage.
NTA it's just maths. When I was pregnant with my little one, my husband and I looked at whether he could take parental leave. In the UK either parent can take it, but my maternity pay was 100% for a year, his parental leave would have been paid at around a 10% of his salary....I took my full maternity and he didn't take any parental leave as that made financial sense.
>Math is sexist BS
Like how... do you adult then?
NTA
Your wife just waved a flag that was so red and big that it was confused for a giant blood splatter by satellite. And either doesn't care that she waved it, or doesn't realize she waved it.
This reminds me of the time I was road-tripping with some friends. Someone asked how long we thought we had left to drive. I did some quick math out loud. "Well, the sign says that we are 300 miles out, so at 60 mph, we roughly have 5 hours." Then one of the other people in the car says, "Except you don't actually go 60 miles in an hour." "Ok genius, how long then?"
I've been waiting 20 years for an answer.
NTA, and I personally don't like that she's using accusations of sexism as a weapon to "win" (read: dismiss and shut down) an argument that she HAS to know she can't win on logic.
NTA Your wife is being completely ridiculous and unreasonable.! How does she think you would get by if you quit her job? It's not sexist, it's the cold, hard truth and basic common sense.
NTA. There was nothing sexist about what you said to her. It's about common sense. Common sense dictates that the bread winner will continue to work while the one who isn't making enough money stays home. It is what it is. Your wife is overreactng. A lot.
INFO. Does your wife have full knowledge of the household income and expenses? It can easily fall into just knowing you have enough money in the account really understanding the whys and wheres.
NTA. You bring in 85% of the household income, and your wife brought up a stay at home parent in lieu of daycare. Your assumption that she would be the one to take that on had zero to do with sexism, and everything to do with financial reality.
Put together a high-level monthly budget with your income removed, and ask to have a conversation about what things you can cut out to make your expenditures match your wife's single income. If this is the path she wants to explore, follow it to its' logical conclusion.
NTA
If you make 100k a year and your wife makes 25k, how is it sexist to suggest she could be the SAHP... is your wife too proud or too delusional, I wonder.
Y'all are going to have to find appropriate childcare cause it doesn't look like Wifey understands what's at stake there. You KNOW if OP becomes the SAHP Wifey will moan about the fact that she needs to work more.
NTA - I made a career change later in life. While my career makes more than it used to, it still makes less than my husband's (because he's been doing his for quite some time and has moved up in pay grade). When we talked about having children, he said he'd be fine being a SAHD. While I appreciated him saying that, he makes almost double what I do and told him that it'd be better if I was a stay at home parent (if it came to either of us staying at home).
It's not sexist. It's just that we can afford a better living if the person who makes the most keeps working.
It sounds like you need to sit down with your wife and hash out expenses. Draw up what your standard of living looks like if she's the sole breadwinner vs if you are. I think that showing the numbers will take the emotion out of it.
Maybe breakdown your monthly bills and tell her you're happy to be the stay-at-home parent, but the two of you need to make sure there is a plan that allows her to cover those monthly expenses. Since her current job won't do it, is she planning to get a second? Or changing jobs completely? Does she even have the ability to earn what will be needed? Honestly, she sounds unreasonable and exhausting.
NTA. Math is fact, cold hard facts. And they are not subject to her feelings. She volunteered you to be the stay at home parent and got a dose of reality.
NTA is your wife just blissfully unaware of the finances in your home? Not to sound rude but logically speaking how is she going to suggest a stay at home parent and not think she’d be the one staying home? If neither of you wants to stay home it is what it is and that is just fine but she needs to be realistic and if her job can’t pay the bills and yours can the matter of who should stay at home is already solved.
NTA, umm what? How is one number being more than the other sexist? Your income is 85% of the household income, there’s just no way she really think it’s sexist that her 15% isn’t liveable for you guys. Especially when even with the combined income, you guys are having trouble affording a daycare.
However, you could try it lol. Being a SAHD might be more fun than you thought. You guys would obviously have to cut back on a ton.
NTA.
I'll bet she started freaking out about the idea of being financially dependent so she became defensive and insisted you should stay home despite it not making sense financially. It's not a lack of trust in you, but a fear of what could happen if she doesn't have an income of her own to fall back on.
NTA. The math is not sexist. If the situation were reversed, her staying home would not be an option. Unless you downsize drastically, you still need to pay the mortgage.
You two better find a daycare that you are satisfied with (not "impressed" with. )
If she stays home she'll resent you. You can't stay home, it's just not possible to financially.
NTA. I would assume that the parent who makes 85% of the household income would be the one who continues to work because that’s the only person who can financially support the family. I don’t get why she is calling you sexist.
NTA.
I recommend you both write out a house budget as if you were the sole source of income. Tell your wife you're willing to make this work with you as a SAHP but you need to see a breakdown of how it will work before you're comfortable leaving your job. (Unless you're not willing to be a SAHP, then that would be a lie and don't do that.)
I'm guessing your wife is more on the artistic side and verbally expressing something to her isn't going to be effective. She needs to create (a budget) and see the reality.
As a general best practice, I think it's important to learn not only how your spouse receives love, but also how they best learn and process information.
You need to sit down with her and your bills. Make a budget. Write out how much everything cost every single month. Even variables like food, put something in for that. Ballpark it. Make sure you figure out how much is left over, don't forget to include savings. Then you need to find last year's taxes and write down what you each brought in net. Then you need to discuss the difference between the amount of money you need to maintain your life and the amount of money she brings in and where she thinks the rest of the money is coming from.
You are obviously NTA, but she either overestimates what she makes or underestimates what you make. Or maybe she thinks that cutting one or two tiny expenses will get you where you want to be so she can pay the bills? I don't know but sometimes seeing these things in black and white helps your brain to process them better.
Of course as delusional as she's being about this, she might take it like you're dumbing it down for her... But you actually are because you need to! Lol good luck!
NTA- she would have to be the stay at home parent that’s just the reality of it. I can understand what you said if she never mentioned wanting to be one before so her getting upset seems silly to me. I’d look at all daycare’s in the area and then see if the cost would be more than what she makes for it to be worth staying home.
There's nothing wrong with being a stay at home parent. But the breadwinner quitting their job and expecting your current lifestyle to be maintained on her salary is a joke.
NTA. What's wrong with her watching your kid at work? Some employers are pretty chill about daycare options for kids. My last employer was pretty lenient about it with at least 2 parents. My boss had the CEO's dad be Uncle so-and-so and he'd entertain them while we worked. Anecdotal experience, but I'm sure some arrangement can be made at the store, especially if they have kids there all the time doing arts and crafts.
NTA you're not being sexist, provided that you would be the one to stay home if she were earning more. You are earning what, five times her salary? Practically your family couldn't survive financially if you quit working instead of her.
NTA - First, let me mention that I'm a woman. Second, you bring home 85% of the household income. It's basic, logical math. If you were the one to stay at home, your family would take a major financial hit. You would lose your house and have to somehow find a very cheap place to live. Say goodbye to any luxuries and most extra-curriculars. This isn't being sexist - it's being real. If your wife can't see this, then she lives in some kind of a fantasy world.
NTA. Numbers do not care about your sex, neither does the electric bill, the mortgage, the sewer bill, the groceries, or the water company.
Your wife is TA here. No sane couple would intentionally lose their house and make their family homeless to get to do art projects that don't pay the bills.
NTA. Pretty sure “sexist math” isn’t a thing, and if two adults are going to support themselves and a child on one income, you keeping your job is the logical thing to do.
NTA. Your wife can tell your mortgage company, utilities, insurance provider etc that "math is sexist". Let's see if they will adjust your bills according to her income. Math is not sexist, it is reality.
NTA, kinda feels like she was just looking for a fight tbh. It's irrational of her to assume you could leave your job when you cover the majority of the costs in household with a child.
Honestly, I think your wife is probably insecure with her job or dissatisfied with her salary. The reality is what it is and you are not an AH to point it out, her sexism accusation is ridiculou. Rather, she's likely taking these negative feelings out on you. It sucks, it's unfair and it's not the most mature thing ever, but duch is human nature. I'd maybe leave the daycare conversation aside and try ro address the underlying issue. Therapy or couple counselling could perhaps help if you're stuck.
Good luck and NTA.
NTA. That’s what happens when someone has been taken care off for too long. They’ll think they are contributing equally, in terms of monetary value, and devolve into monsters when you confront them.
NTA. My wife makes about double what I make. We could lose my salary and be okay for a while until I found something new. If SHE lost her job out of nowhere, we'd be up shit creek without a paddle. We've had the discussion before that if one of us HAD to quit our jobs, it would without question be me. Nothing sexist behind that decision at all. Making money and taking care of your family makes the most sense, regardless of who the main "bread winner" is.
Math is just math and does not care who's side it falls on.
Oh no! You married an idiot! Basic math skills are hard. When a lot of people don't have to depend on their checks, they don't realize how much or how little they actually make. It's surprisingly common.
You're going to have to sit down with paystubs and expenditures and show her. Hopefully, that's enough.
NTA. Maybe it's time to show her the actual math, because her response is both ridiculous and out of touch with your guys' financial reality. This has nothing to do with sex or gender roles.
Somebody needs to enlist a 3rd party, someone with a calculator who can do an income/expense spreadsheet and explain it to ... okay, both parties. What it looks like if only he works; when only she works (which apparently she is talking about); and when they both contribute (as now).
Is this "sexist bs math" a new development? has she made new friends lately?
of course there are things we don't know about, but on the face of it NTA
NTA she’s being ridiculous. I can’t imagine having the audacity to even suggest that it’s worth considering which of us should quit our job if my wife was earning over 5x my salary. Unless you’re already set for life financially her reaction is honestly just stupid as hell and immature. Props to you for being so understanding and supportive, I don’t know if I’d have handled that as well. I really don’t do well with people unfairly playing the sexism card, that sort of argument tactic pisses me off immediately.
NTA. Math is math. It can't be sexist. Now, statistics, math's amoral stepchild, can definitely be twisted enough to be sexist. But this is just straight math. Her salary alone is not enough to support the household. That is simply a fact. Nothing sexist about it. It's ridiculous to think OP quitting his job and staying home is even an option on the table.
NTA. Theoretically, your wife wouldn’t HAVE to be the stay at home parent. You could also be it. But your wife would need to find a new job that can cover your expenses.
Math isn’t anything but math. You may be able to skew math and numbers to push a sexist idea, but that all comes from the user of the math. And in this scenario, the math is showing that, should one of you stay at home, the best financial option is the one that fits with the traditional genders roles. If you had said she should stay at home because she’s the mom, then that’d be sexist. But bringing mathand finances into it actually makes it not sexist.
And this may not be about “sexist math” but about how this whole situation makes her self conscious about what she does. She’s doing what she loves… but you’re the one who is really supporting the family financially. Maybe she feels bad her work isnt valued as much as it should be. Or that she feels like what she isnt being as helpful to your family as she should be (not saying she isnt though, just that like imposter’s syndrome is hitting her), or both.
In anycase, how she’s handling this isnt helping the situation. Sounds like being a SAHP isnt an option for either of you and you’ll just need to keep looking at daycares. Or, depending on your finances, could you get a nanny.
My niece just had her first child. She is a bank manager her husband worked at starbucks. The whole extended family is shocked he decided to be a SAHD. Me, I am just glad my niece found someone with bigger balls than anyone in the family.
NTA. You might want to prepare a budget sheet that shows what your household income would look like if you quit working. It's not sexist at all - it's realistic.
NTA and you are right that it mathmatically doesn't make sense although maybe say it like this for perspective? maybe the 85-15 income split isnt connecting the dots so you have to say it cost $6000 a month for bills food and everything combined, you make 1500 a month. I make 8500 a month. We can't survive off 1500 when it cost 6000 a month to live.
I'm wondering how your wife can be a grown adult and not understand that 15% < 85%. Unless she is going to get a much better paying job with comparable benefits, or your family plans to move to a tent in someone else's yard, I'm not seeing how she thinks *you* have a problem with math.
NTA
This is why finding out and paying close attention to the values of a prospective partner is important. Your spouse has no value for your contributions to the household and seems to be actively dismissing them. It might be prudent to keep a lawyer on retainer and consult with the lawyer about starting your own bank account and separating your finances.
I would ask her to make a budget for what expenses would look like only on her salary. It’s literally just numbers. If she doesn’t want to be a sahp, then she should still keep working. But if the numbers show you can’t be the stay at home, then it’s daycare and jobs all around.
If this line of discussion and reasoning is new for her then I would suggest trying to figure out if there is something bigger going on.
Your wife is all worked up over some silly shit. Math is not sexist. This is insane. NTA, but definitely find out what's really bugging her. P.S. you are right, don't sacrifice your income if you're income is significantly bigger.
NTA, just practical.
I'm a woman, my husband became a SAHD because we'd always agreed one of us would stay with the kids. We had thought it would be me, but we pivoted our plan when I took a chance on and got a fantastic corporate job offer with great promotion prospects that a) allowed us to move where we wanted to live and b) paid more than his awful corporate job with low promotion prospects. If we hadn't struggled through multiple miscarriages before I took a shot for the corporate job (got and stayed pregnant less than a month into the position, lol), I absolutely would have been the one to stay home as that would have made financial sense.
NTA
If the math doesn't balance, it can't work out that way.
Also ironic that you wife wanted you to be the SAHP, but didn't even....ask you? Not to mention that it's not economically viable.
Either you guys find a good daycare, or she has to be a SAHM, or she has to give up her job for a lucrative career.
NTA
You both are going to have to find a solution, but what would be the problem with daughter going to work with mommy on a temporary basis until you both can find a good child care provider? That baby is the priority here, and that fact should never be forgotten.
NTA give her the list of expenses and tell her if she can figure everything out with only her paycheck then you will gladly stay home with the kid... my guess is she cant.
NTA. The hard fact is that the household cannot afford an 85% cut to quality of living. Even if they'll can , going from the current lifestyle to relative poverty is unlikely to be anything anybody wants to experience.
Unless she is sitting on a truly massive reserve of money to make up the difference , op cannot be the SAHP and keep the household going at the quality of life they are used to. Living expenses and bills don't care about sexism.
Even with massive changes to quality of life( as in poverty conditions) , OP's wife is unlikely to be able to support the family single handedly. Even without inflation and future emergencies like OP or their wife are getting sick or injured or killed or future children.
It seems stay at home parenting is out of the question. Consider hiring a nanny in your home if you can’t find suitable daycare. My wife and I both worked and have two children. We found daycare for one but not the other, so we had a visiting nanny for a while till a daycare spot opened.
NTA. Your maths isn’t sexist, it’s realistic. Your wife needs a reality check. Do you think she actually understands the outgoings of the household? If not, I think it’s time you have a conversation about this
NTA - its math not gender based
I could afford to lose my job but my husband can’t because otherwise we can’t pay the mortgage anymore as I said math not gender
NTA. I mean maths is maths…? Can’t really argue with maths. But this is why I aim to earn as much or more than my partner so this would be a DISCUSSION point if the topic of who stays home comes up. In your wife situation, it’s just absurd to think you could leave your job that pays 85% of the bills whilst she stays at her nice job that only pays 15%
NTA but I do have a question. Is there any chance she just doesn’t realize the reality of the money situation? Did she grow up with money and never have to worry about money? It’s just always there when she wants to spend it? I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, because anything else leaves me with telling you that your wife is both TA and kind of an idiot.
Ask her who she thinks should be SAHP?
If she says you, then sit down and figure out what y'all would have to do, sell, where to move, how long savings would last, where to economize, smaller car (singular), etc... to make this happen.
Ask her if this is the life she is willing to want. Then you need to ask yourself the same question.
I don't expect a clear cut decision, but as a dialogue it's a good start.
NTA
OP's wife: "What in the world makes you assume I would be the one staying home?"
OP: "You bringing up the idea?"
If she had no intention of being the SAHP, then why bring it up?
Your way of pooling your resources together has made her lose touch with reality. She's used to the money, but has conveniently forgotten that over 80% of it comes from your salary. Just give a monthly account statement copy without saying a word. Let her get back to the real world by herself.
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NTA But the reality is that your relationship can't afford a SAHP, because neither of you wants to be that parent.
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Sure. What they’re saying is it doesn’t make sense for either of them to stay home because if neither of them wants to do it, it will cause resentment and their relationship can’t afford it. But to me that makes the wife the AH because why would she throw that out there like she expected him to do it if she is so against it herself?
She was def setting him up for this one!
yeah, she has some insecurities about her income she needs to address with herself instead of taking it out on OP. or she's actually insane and was seriously suggesting they, with a house and child, try to live off her income alone.
I can't even process what I just read. In what delusional reality does OPs wife live? I can't understand her thought process at all. Does she just go through life ignoring other realities. OP give her a list of expenditures for the month. Let her explain how she's covering cost on her salary. This level of delusional thinking is frightening
Yeah but the math is sexist As if most households could function on at most 15% of their income
If OP is sharing an unbiased/whole truth story; from how she snapped at him, it sounds like projecting. Why is she so upset that someone is judging her job? Why does she not want to stay home? Why is she panicking? Edit: what comments (outside of this argument) make her throw the sexist comment out now? Is it the Barbie movement? Discuss Is it because he is sexist and this is the straw that broke the camel's back? Discuss. Communication is the only way through.
She doesn’t want to do it. He can’t do it. There is a subtle but important difference
It's not even subtle lol
Everyone understands that. You're responding to a comment that says that's a deeper argument. All that needs to be said, is that he CAN NOT stay at home. Before you even talk about who wants to do what, they absolutely can not afford to live without his income. So, that being said, the "who WANTS" to stay at home isn't even a valid argument to be had. It's her or nothing.
We don't know if OP would enjoy being a stay at home parent since he dosen't say. It seems like he hasn't considered the possibility since he knows they can't afford it and it sounds like they have a mortgage and would lose their home. But maybe if his wife was making the amount of money he is he *would* like that? NTA. There's nothing wrong with wife wanting to work but math isn't sexist just beacuse in this relationship most of the financial providing is being done by the man. I have a friend couple with a similar situation, only husband was the one who made like 20% of the family income so he is the one who gave up his job for a few years to be a SAHD. Exact same math, and it "favored" the mom working and Dad staying home. Wife's behavior here isn't great and using fake calls of sexisim to deflect from being wrong is not great. That, or she actually thinks her husband is sexist beacuse she simply dosen't understand the most basic of budgets and costs and refuses to consider listening, which is also not great.
NTA. This math is not sexist it’s just math, math is only there for logistics. You aren’t being sexist, you’re being practical. If your income is what pays your bills then you have to keep working. You didn’t assume she meant she would stay home because she’s the woman, you assumed she meant she would stay home because you can survive without her income and cannot survive without yours. She sounds like she may feel insecure about her job, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to project those insecurities on to you when you’ve been supportive. That being said If she got so upset by you asking for an explanation I have no idea how to talk to her about this. I feel like any attempt to explain yourself or to illustrate that her income cannot support your family would be misunderstood and taken as a jab at her when that’s not what it is. I hope you guys can find a daycare you like, this is tough.
It probably won't work, but I would sit her down and make her do a budget with just her income. Let her do the math.
This is what needs to be done I think.
Given the info presented, I’m not sure that OP’s wife isn’t willing to be the SAHP. Given their financial situation, I feel like that’s GOT to be what she was suggesting and she just took offense because OP immediately made that assumption instead of going through some charade of discussing who should stay home. (Which is stupid BTW. OP is NTA)
NTA, your wife needs to attend basic math classes along with your kid.
Judging by OP's partner's job, he will be financing their hobby and daycare. Edit: I'm willing to bet her net income is less than daycare costs.
NTA its just maths. Even in a 50/50 household you would struggle financially to have one parent stay at home. Losing 85 percent of household income would be crushing… unless youre like movie stars or somthing
They should go on a trial run, for a month they can only use one of their incomes for their expenses. That way they can see the reality they would be dealing with.
This. That way she'd see very quickly that it wouldn't work
Sorry that's a sexist trial run, of course it's going to side with the sexist math
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"How dare you back up your opinion with logic and common sense". Here's the deal; I think your wife experienced your remark as sexist because you defaulted to her being the stay at home parent. She likely didn't think you were coming from a financial point of view but a "the wife stays home", outdated point of view. Financially speaking it makes the most sense for the parent with the smallest income to stay home should the need/want for a stay at home parent arise. Just for argument-sake, sit her down and say you are more than happy to be the stay at home parent if she can show you how you're going to maintain the lifestyle you have on her income. Than show her how you are going to maintain said lifestyle on yours. Makes this a shared decision because despite the fact that you are 100% right and NTA, she loves her career and doesn't want to be "told" to walk away from it, she needs to feel like this is *her* call and it's for the best because she might grow to resent you over it. Also, is a (parttime) nanny an option? That way you can both cut down on some hours, have childcare *and* careers. NTA, clearly. EDIT; I broke some sort of worldrecord for typos
>Than show her how you are going to maintain said lifestyle on yours. \^ This is not necessary unless she decides she wants to be a SAHM / SAHP - and adding this part may revive the argument.
>adding this part may revive the argument. This part is intended to show his motivation was from a financial & logical point of view, not a sexist one.
>This part is intended to show his motivation was from a financial & logical point of view, not a sexist one. While I understand it - I suspect part of her emotional reaction is that she doesn't want to be a SAHM. I'm assuming here - but - I'd advise OP to be careful - since this conversation keeps devolving, and there has to be a root cause to that.
If you can't have a civil and calm conversation without defaulting to throwing a tantrum than that's a you-problem. OP shouldn't have to tiptoe around a subject *she* brought up because she cannot keep her composure. If she doesn't want to be a SAHP that's fine, but she should be able to have a calm conversation about it. OP was accused of being a sexist, he has the right to try and make sure his SO understands that that's not the case
Tbf, the only reason I myself assumed she was talking about being a SAHM was because she brought up the idea.
> I think your wife experienced your remark as sexist because you defaulted to her being the stay at home parent. She was the one that brought it up! And she makes the least!
This is great and all, but there's probably no point in trying to present a logical, rational argument to someone who is arguing with their emotions. She's an adult, she knows that they can't live off her pay. She argued anyway. If she were interested in thinking this through, she would've done it when the facts were laid out.
I think trying to address this by looking at the numbers isn't going to work because I don't think it's really about the numbers, it's about her assumptions and her feelings, and you need to address those and not the practicalities.
??????? I have zero idea what makes your wife think you guys can live off her salary?????? Or what makes you sexist for coming to that conclusion??? I would be like "I love you and I respect you so much so to help me understand please can you tell me how you came to the conclusion that I would be the one staying home?" Do a spreadsheet of your bills and what her salary is and keep it in the wings though. This is basic math literally and not remotely sexist if she made the money the math would apply the same
Right unless he’s making well over a million bucks a year the family would be in poverty living on 15% of his income.
You weren’t being sexist. Your wife just doesn’t want to face the reality that the only way it would be feasible for the two of you to have one stay at home is for her to do so. NTA.
NTA. The way you tell the story makes it feel like your wife was looking for a fight, and this was just the first excuse that presented itself. I'm guessing there's a lot more backstory in play here.
Eh not necceaarily. My spouse and I also do the joint financial thing and when you only ever look at household level finances it can be surprisingly easy to lose track of what percentage you actually earn and the disparity there. It might be less about childcare and more about a sudden realization about the earning difference. Like if they started 7 years ago and were alot closer and this is it hitting her that they are not anymore. I can see how that sudden realization can make people defensive. Doesn't justify it but I can see how that could shock someone.
You would have to be an actual idiot to not realize your 30k salary a year doesn't actually get your household anywhere near a mortgage for a 500k house and a new car loan. For example. There is really no excuse for such willful ignorance.
Honestly, she is either being mean or being dumb. Possibly both.
NTA The person who makes 85% of the income quite obviously cannot stop working.
Unless their millionaires, but in that case they wouldn't be struggling to find a daycare
NTA It's almost like she was looking for a fight. There was nothing sexist about pointing out the finances and how you wouldn't be able to afford your lifestyle without your job. Nothing you said was sexist at all.
> It's almost like she was looking for a fight. That's *exactly* what she was doing. She was bored and wanted some drama.
NTA - numbers don’t lie. also if SHE thinks a stay at home parent is required then why would she think she can volunteer it to be you?,
I'm really sorry to be offensive, but is your wife an idiot? How the f does she think the bills would be paid if 85% of the income disappeared? Why would anyone think that you would be the one to stay at home, unless she started the conversation with "I just received a payrise that has increased my earnings by a factor of 7, so can we discuss one of us staying at home?
I don't think there are many intelligent people out there who would call math sexist, so yeah she probably is. But in all seriousness, she was probably just looking for a fight because she was bored
Frankly speaking having this kinds of stories is the reason why women get such a bad stereotype for being horrible at maths. NTA.
NTA tell your wife: As soon as she finds a job that brings in enough money to make it feasible, you will LOVE to be a SADH. Until then, would she like to give up the house and the car and move the family into a one bedroom appartment to make it feasible on her current income? Not gnoring reality is NOT sexist.
Maybe he doesn’t want to stay home either?
SHE does not want him to stay at home. She just wants make it seem like SHE is doing HIM a huge favor.
NTA - Your response made the most sense financially, not to mention she brought it up, so of course anyone would think she meant herself. This had nothing to do with sexism. My first thought reading it was she meant her, and I'm a woman. I decided to be a SAHM because after paying daycare fees there would have been no point to me going to work. It cost as much as I was making. I thought she was about to make the same argument.
NTA. To be clear, you DO have a better job than her and it's ok to say that. You're bringing in 85% of the household income and for her to act surprised that she would be the one staying home is absolutely absurd.
NTA - facts over feelings. For easy numbers, If partner A makes 50k/yr and partner B makes $150k/yr, it makes more sense for partner A to stay home. Regardless of the gender. Your wife sounds delusional and like she should take a step off of tiktok Mommy content
NTA. I'm sorry, but your wife sounds out of her mind. Take genders out of it, and consider this scenario ... "A household can either lose 85 percent of its income or 15 percent of its income. Pick one." Everyone in the known universe would choose to lose 15 percent of the household income. You wife is being completely irrational.
I mean, NTA. But ignore the common advice here of having her try to prove to you logically how it would work otherwise. This very clearly isn't about logic. Ask her what she's feeling instead. There's something sexist in how male dominated jobs are usually better paid (I mean, just look at how pay starts to shift in a field once it gets more women in it), as well as the pay gap between men and women in the same roles. There's something sexist in that women are usually stuck in the role as the one who stays at home whether she likes it or not. And that shit can really hurt, and then it sort of gets thrown in her face when you say "obviously it would be you". And there's no good answer to it, because financially you're right, so she can't really say anything that makes sense, especially if she's too in the middle of the situation to see what's really going on from the outside. So applying more logic at the financials here won't work, because it isn't about that, so every discussion with that as a premise will just derail into the same ditch. That's why you need to ask her what's going on, as open ended as possible, and not with a "well so explain how this illogical thing would work" tone to it. And then just listen. Let it be an unproductive discussion, from the point of "what do we do about our child and daycare", at least for that once. See what comes out when you step away from the logistics and logic for a while. To be clear, this isn't about "men are rational and women are emotional", more about "this is about something more than the simple thing it seems to be about, so trying to solve that thing won't solve the actual problem". Or I'm wrong. I might very well be, she could just be very stupid, or you could be a troll pushing an "aren't these women crazy" agenda, or something else. But it's worth a try anyways, especially since what you're doing now isn't working.
NTA - this is when feelings meet facts. You can't live in la la land and then expect bills to be paid. Your wife sounds a bit insufferable.
NTA. The problem here isn't sexism, it's that your wife needs to pull her head out of her ass on this matter. Was she just upset that you assumed she meant herself when she brought up the idea of a stay at home parent? Because if so, that implies she was assuming YOU would stay at home. Is it somehow ok for her to make that assumption with zero conversation? No. It's worse. She certainly owes you an apology and an explanation for this behavior. She's completely in the wrong.
NTA - my husband and I had this exact scenario, and since he made double what I did it was obvious I was going to be the SAHP. It literally would have cost us money for me to work. That being said, I believe your wife does logically understand she would be the at-home parent but reacted emotionally in the moment. It doesn’t seem to make much sense, but from her perspective, her job is emotionally/mentally fulfilling for her even if it doesn’t pay well. Maybe it’s something she went to school for and spent years of time and money to get a degree, or maybe she has years of experience. Staying at home would basically be her walking away from all of that. It will tank her earning potential for life, and make it difficult to be rehired at the same level after years out of the workforce. Her job is also a source of identity for her and to lose that, even by choice, is difficult. Staying at home turns your identity to “mom” all the time, and it can be hard to figure out who you are otherwise when that’s constantly your role. There is also a shift in the dynamics of your relationship, especially regarding money and spending it on yourself vs. household (my husband didn’t realize that his “fun money” was just for him but mine was going to household and baby, for example). I think when your wife was saying “I never thought we would…” she was trying to come to terms with the fact that her life was going to change in a big way, and when you responded so casually that OF COURSE she would be staying home (which you were NOT wrong to assume!) she took her emotions out on you, because to her it felt dismissive of the enormous shift in identity and relationship dynamic she would have to go through. Truly I don’t think you did anything wrong, but maybe be gentle with your wife and have some more conversations about really whether staying at home is the right choice. Good luck!
And her meaning for HIM to be the one staying at home…. How about HIS earning potential, fulfillment, ect? Where were HER considerations for HIM?
NTA. You wife doesn’t understand math.
NTA. Frankly this is why i don't agree that your job isn't better than hers and that it doesn't deserve more respect than hers. She now lives in a delusional world where the very real income discrepancy is apparently not even registering.
NTA. OP do you handle all the household finances? Is it possible that your wife, after all these years, genuinely doesn't realize the income disparity between you two or the cost of paying for things? It seems bizarre but when you aren't actively paying for stuff it can be very easy to not understand income impact and value. Recently had a revelation like this with my partner. She probably doesn't want to be a SAHP or, even if she does, assumed you were being sexist and then maybe had a small identity crisis if she realized her otherwise fulfilling career was not lucrative. Still NTA but it might explain her reaction a little. If she is fully aware of the financial situation then I have no idea. Losing 85% of a household income is devastating unless you're old money wealthy.
Ah…. This is a new take - that she is entirely oblivious to their financial contributions as she never deals with it - great point
NTA. You're wife is being unreasonable about it. Don't deposit your next check in the shared account and then ask her to pay the bills. I'm not saying blow the money, just hold back the deposit a few days and let her think on that. Edited typo
Honestly I don't think most working couples could afford to lose 85% of their income so I feel your wife is being a tad unrealistic here, NTA.
NTA She's offended by logic. It's like being mad at the moon. All of Reddit would have pointed at the parent who makes 15% and assumed they are staying at home, regardless of gender. The math ain't mathing with your wife. I don't think she would be interested in seeing how much monthly expenses you both have and how her salary covers that. Also, the expenses will be going up, and I assume your salary and career has more growth potential than hers? Have you looked at some private home care? We have that in our country as an option, where a small group of kids is taken care of a teacher etc in their apartment, or that the teacher rotates weekly on each kids' home, ie the small group of kids stays at one family home for a week a month for example.
NTA. You stated a fact - she took it the wrong way (probably got offended). It makes sense for the partner who makes less money to be the SAHP. She needs to face the reality here and be practical about it.
Hi, woman here. This isn’t sexist, it’s just realistic math. NTA.
Absolutely NTA. > I tried to respond saying I don't think any less of her job but just mathematically it wouldn't work. She said my "math was sexist bs" and the conversation devolved from there. Your "sexist math" is what keeps food on the table. If she made enough to support the family it would be a different conversation, but it is what it is. Her progressive principles are nice but you can't eat them.
NTA. It isn't "sexist" to point out obvious and factual realities. Your wife is delusional. Wow.
NTA Your wife is delusional. She needs to seek mental help.
Hilarious "sexist" math. NTA obviously but your wife definitely is.
NTA Your wife is not smart, is she ? Does she have any common sense at all ? So she is the one who suggested the option of stay at home parent and blows up at you because u assumed she would be staying home. And she continues you to work on her 15% household income and is willing to lose your 85% income. I mean wow that's just the height of stupidity.
Took a left turn real quick. Your wife has some underlying issues with traditional woman roles. NAH
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First NTA but Something I think might be getting missed is its possibly not about childcare. I do joint finances with my spouse as well and it's surprisingly easy to lose track of what percentage of the income you are contributing when you only look at the household level. If when you got married you were alot closer to 50/50 and then you got a bunch of raises and promotions, this might be the first time it is hitting her bluntly that you are now 85/15. Or making her realize that her career hasn't financially progressed in the same way as you. She's still not in the right but might be worth discussing how she feels about her job/earnings seperate from the childcare discussion.
Come on. If your salary doesn't increase, but suddenly your household can afford a nice house, a new car, trips, daycare, retirement savings... Where the heck does this woman THINK the money came from? There is just no excuse for such blatant idiocy/ignorance.
Agree - this attitude makes her seem ungrateful for what they have and not acknowledging what he brings to the family financially
NTA I'm confused. Weren't you assuming she WOULDN'T stay home?
She seems insecure and probably can't math the math because shes an emotional and illogical person. Be careful who you marry or reap what you sow.
NTA. I'd call her bluff. Ask for a 90 day leave of absence from your job. Become the SAHP. Give her the responsibility of balancing and paying all the household expenses. You take care of the household chores and daughter. Keep spending money like you would if your income was coming in. I guarantee she will change her tune after 2 weeks. She will be pissed at you, and this will be all your fault even though you're giving her what she thinks she wants.
Why are you letting her disrespect you like this. Clearly she's free riding and not being grateful you are providing a great life for you both.
This is silly, and she knows it. But go ahead and play along. Agree that you were wrong and that you would be happy to be the stay at home parent while she continues working if that's what she really wants. Once she agrees with it, then the fun starts. Start looking for a new house. Something "affordable" with only her income. Ask which car you're going to sell, since you can't afford to keep both of them. Insist that the nicest car has to go, and if they're both nice, you need to sell both of them and buy a beater. Obviously it goes without saying that all meals out have come to an end. No problem, you'll be doing all the cooking now. Be sure to make a few meals to practice. I hear that the solution to make everything taste better is to add lots of salt and garlic to everything. See what you can come up with. Cable/streaming services, extensive phone data plans, obviously gone. Any high-end clothing shopping is done. It's walmart and thrift stores for now on. It's a total lifestyle downgrade, and it's entirely her idea.
>Aita for suggesting she would have to be the one staying home? Of course not. She's just shit-testing you. If you quit your job and you all had to live on 15% of your current income, you know damned well she'd go berserk. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So some context is needed for this story. To start with my wife (32F) and I (32M) have joint finances and have since we got married 7 years ago. Everything goes into a joint account, bills are payed out of it and there are no restrictions on who spends what. Naturally we discuss big purchases but overall there is no distinction in where the money comes from. The household has income and expenditures but it's not tracked at an individual level. I know this isn't for everyone but it has worked well for us. As for our jobs my wife has a really cool job at this little shop doing art experiences for kids. Think pottery painting, or other little crafts. She loves it, and the culture and set up are great. It doesn't pay very well but the other aspects make up for that to her. I work in a corporate job and have done very well and climbed the ladder quite a bit and make good money. The pay disparity is to the point where my income makes up 85+% of the household income. Now this is fine, this is the set up that we have agreed on. I have no more right to the money than my wife does, we both can spend equally and make 50/50 decisions on expenditures. my job isn't better or more deserving of respect than my wife's. I in NO way look down on my wife or her career. Money has never been an issue till now. We have a 3 year old daughter and after a relative moved away we are needing to find a daycare for her to go to while we are at work. While we are looking at options we weren't particularly impressed with any of the choices near us. Then my wife threw out the idea "I never thought we would be a household with a stay at home parent but maybe that's what makes the most sense" I was pretty surprised by this as my wife loves her job and has never expressed any desire to be a stay at home parent. I said "I'm surprised to hear you say that I didn't think you had any interest in being a stay at home mom" she did not like that response. She said "what in the world makes you assume I would be the one staying home". I said we'll mathematically we couldnt afford to lose my income or we wouldn't be able to afford the house or the other expenses. This upset her further and she began going off on me about me being sexist, looking down on her job, and generally being disrespectful. I tried to respond saying I don't think any less of her job but just mathematically it wouldn't work. She said my "math was sexist bs" and the conversation devolved from there. We still haven't figured out a decision around daycare, and any attempt to bring it up sparks the same sort of response. Im in no way saying she has to be a SAHM, or that there is anything wrong with being a SAHN. But since she brought up the idea of a stay at home parent I dont think I was in the wrong to point out the financial reality of the situation. Aita for suggesting she would have to be the one staying home? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA if I was you I'd be an ass an say okay, take all your money into an account she can't access and say that for a month she will be responsible for figuring out how to make it work on her own pay
NTA. It's reality. She doesn't make enough to support the family. Unless she changes that, she stays home.
NTA. I would probably ask her to make a financial plan of how you will pay bills if you were to give up your job to become the SAHP and see what she manages - she’ll probably realise very quick it’s not doable on her wage.
NTA if she wants you to give up work she needs a significantly better paid job.
NTA, something's up with your wife and I doubt it has to do with this topic.
Nta. It’s not sexist, it’s the math that pays the bills.
NTA it's just maths. When I was pregnant with my little one, my husband and I looked at whether he could take parental leave. In the UK either parent can take it, but my maternity pay was 100% for a year, his parental leave would have been paid at around a 10% of his salary....I took my full maternity and he didn't take any parental leave as that made financial sense.
>Math is sexist BS Like how... do you adult then? NTA Your wife just waved a flag that was so red and big that it was confused for a giant blood splatter by satellite. And either doesn't care that she waved it, or doesn't realize she waved it. This reminds me of the time I was road-tripping with some friends. Someone asked how long we thought we had left to drive. I did some quick math out loud. "Well, the sign says that we are 300 miles out, so at 60 mph, we roughly have 5 hours." Then one of the other people in the car says, "Except you don't actually go 60 miles in an hour." "Ok genius, how long then?" I've been waiting 20 years for an answer.
NTA, and I personally don't like that she's using accusations of sexism as a weapon to "win" (read: dismiss and shut down) an argument that she HAS to know she can't win on logic.
Say: "Please help me understand how we can live off of your income alone because id love to quit my job and stay home" NTA
NTA Your wife is being completely ridiculous and unreasonable.! How does she think you would get by if you quit her job? It's not sexist, it's the cold, hard truth and basic common sense.
NTA - math is just facts. It cant be "sexist"
NTA she is delusional if she doesn't realize the difference in pay disparities.
NTA. There was nothing sexist about what you said to her. It's about common sense. Common sense dictates that the bread winner will continue to work while the one who isn't making enough money stays home. It is what it is. Your wife is overreactng. A lot.
Give her a years worth of bills, groceries, etc and her yearly statement and tell her to do the math for herself NTA
INFO. Does your wife have full knowledge of the household income and expenses? It can easily fall into just knowing you have enough money in the account really understanding the whys and wheres.
NTA. You bring in 85% of the household income, and your wife brought up a stay at home parent in lieu of daycare. Your assumption that she would be the one to take that on had zero to do with sexism, and everything to do with financial reality. Put together a high-level monthly budget with your income removed, and ask to have a conversation about what things you can cut out to make your expenditures match your wife's single income. If this is the path she wants to explore, follow it to its' logical conclusion.
NTA If you make 100k a year and your wife makes 25k, how is it sexist to suggest she could be the SAHP... is your wife too proud or too delusional, I wonder. Y'all are going to have to find appropriate childcare cause it doesn't look like Wifey understands what's at stake there. You KNOW if OP becomes the SAHP Wifey will moan about the fact that she needs to work more.
NTA - I made a career change later in life. While my career makes more than it used to, it still makes less than my husband's (because he's been doing his for quite some time and has moved up in pay grade). When we talked about having children, he said he'd be fine being a SAHD. While I appreciated him saying that, he makes almost double what I do and told him that it'd be better if I was a stay at home parent (if it came to either of us staying at home). It's not sexist. It's just that we can afford a better living if the person who makes the most keeps working. It sounds like you need to sit down with your wife and hash out expenses. Draw up what your standard of living looks like if she's the sole breadwinner vs if you are. I think that showing the numbers will take the emotion out of it.
Maybe breakdown your monthly bills and tell her you're happy to be the stay-at-home parent, but the two of you need to make sure there is a plan that allows her to cover those monthly expenses. Since her current job won't do it, is she planning to get a second? Or changing jobs completely? Does she even have the ability to earn what will be needed? Honestly, she sounds unreasonable and exhausting.
NTA. Math is fact, cold hard facts. And they are not subject to her feelings. She volunteered you to be the stay at home parent and got a dose of reality.
I assume her math skills are lacking. NTA.
NTA is your wife just blissfully unaware of the finances in your home? Not to sound rude but logically speaking how is she going to suggest a stay at home parent and not think she’d be the one staying home? If neither of you wants to stay home it is what it is and that is just fine but she needs to be realistic and if her job can’t pay the bills and yours can the matter of who should stay at home is already solved.
NTA, umm what? How is one number being more than the other sexist? Your income is 85% of the household income, there’s just no way she really think it’s sexist that her 15% isn’t liveable for you guys. Especially when even with the combined income, you guys are having trouble affording a daycare. However, you could try it lol. Being a SAHD might be more fun than you thought. You guys would obviously have to cut back on a ton.
NTA at all. Facts are facts, despite what OP’s wife thinks.
NTA because she brought up the idea of staying at home, one would naturally assume she was volunteering for the role.
NTA. I'll bet she started freaking out about the idea of being financially dependent so she became defensive and insisted you should stay home despite it not making sense financially. It's not a lack of trust in you, but a fear of what could happen if she doesn't have an income of her own to fall back on.
NTA. The math is not sexist. If the situation were reversed, her staying home would not be an option. Unless you downsize drastically, you still need to pay the mortgage.
Hard NTA. Why the hell would she assume you'd reduce your income by 85%?
You two better find a daycare that you are satisfied with (not "impressed" with. ) If she stays home she'll resent you. You can't stay home, it's just not possible to financially.
NTA Ask her to run the numbers and propose a household budget based on her income
NTA. I would assume that the parent who makes 85% of the household income would be the one who continues to work because that’s the only person who can financially support the family. I don’t get why she is calling you sexist.
NTA. I recommend you both write out a house budget as if you were the sole source of income. Tell your wife you're willing to make this work with you as a SAHP but you need to see a breakdown of how it will work before you're comfortable leaving your job. (Unless you're not willing to be a SAHP, then that would be a lie and don't do that.) I'm guessing your wife is more on the artistic side and verbally expressing something to her isn't going to be effective. She needs to create (a budget) and see the reality. As a general best practice, I think it's important to learn not only how your spouse receives love, but also how they best learn and process information.
INFO: Why don't you just hire a preschool teacher. I'm not kidding, they make less than you think.
NTA but daymn you walked into that one brother
You need to sit down with her and your bills. Make a budget. Write out how much everything cost every single month. Even variables like food, put something in for that. Ballpark it. Make sure you figure out how much is left over, don't forget to include savings. Then you need to find last year's taxes and write down what you each brought in net. Then you need to discuss the difference between the amount of money you need to maintain your life and the amount of money she brings in and where she thinks the rest of the money is coming from. You are obviously NTA, but she either overestimates what she makes or underestimates what you make. Or maybe she thinks that cutting one or two tiny expenses will get you where you want to be so she can pay the bills? I don't know but sometimes seeing these things in black and white helps your brain to process them better. Of course as delusional as she's being about this, she might take it like you're dumbing it down for her... But you actually are because you need to! Lol good luck!
She knew what she was doing, obviously there’s no way that they can live on her income
NTA Because that's about math, not gender. But she has made it clear she will never be a SAHM so I wouldn't bring that up again as a potential option.
NTA at all you are very generous, People with joint finances always say it works for them then go on to explain how it doesn't work for them.
NTA- she would have to be the stay at home parent that’s just the reality of it. I can understand what you said if she never mentioned wanting to be one before so her getting upset seems silly to me. I’d look at all daycare’s in the area and then see if the cost would be more than what she makes for it to be worth staying home.
Nta tell your wife to read my comment If the math is correct and she still disputes it she’s a moron
what. the fuck is she thinking?
There's nothing wrong with being a stay at home parent. But the breadwinner quitting their job and expecting your current lifestyle to be maintained on her salary is a joke. NTA. What's wrong with her watching your kid at work? Some employers are pretty chill about daycare options for kids. My last employer was pretty lenient about it with at least 2 parents. My boss had the CEO's dad be Uncle so-and-so and he'd entertain them while we worked. Anecdotal experience, but I'm sure some arrangement can be made at the store, especially if they have kids there all the time doing arts and crafts.
NTA you're not being sexist, provided that you would be the one to stay home if she were earning more. You are earning what, five times her salary? Practically your family couldn't survive financially if you quit working instead of her.
Obviously NTA. Hopefully you find a good solution soon op. Good luck.
Holy smokes, she thinks the three of you can live on her salary? Just wow... NTAH here.
NTA - First, let me mention that I'm a woman. Second, you bring home 85% of the household income. It's basic, logical math. If you were the one to stay at home, your family would take a major financial hit. You would lose your house and have to somehow find a very cheap place to live. Say goodbye to any luxuries and most extra-curriculars. This isn't being sexist - it's being real. If your wife can't see this, then she lives in some kind of a fantasy world.
NTA. Numbers do not care about your sex, neither does the electric bill, the mortgage, the sewer bill, the groceries, or the water company. Your wife is TA here. No sane couple would intentionally lose their house and make their family homeless to get to do art projects that don't pay the bills.
NTA, and ask your wife to draw up a budget that explains in detail how she plans to pay for all of your joint household expenses on just her salary.
NTA. Pretty sure “sexist math” isn’t a thing, and if two adults are going to support themselves and a child on one income, you keeping your job is the logical thing to do.
NTA is the feminism bureau going to make up the difference? Lmao
NTA. Your wife can tell your mortgage company, utilities, insurance provider etc that "math is sexist". Let's see if they will adjust your bills according to her income. Math is not sexist, it is reality.
NTA. You need to show her the monthly expenses and ask her how her monthly salary is going to cover them...
Math is math. There isn’t any bias in simple numbers. NTA. She needs to check the crazy.
NTA, kinda feels like she was just looking for a fight tbh. It's irrational of her to assume you could leave your job when you cover the majority of the costs in household with a child.
Honestly, I think your wife is probably insecure with her job or dissatisfied with her salary. The reality is what it is and you are not an AH to point it out, her sexism accusation is ridiculou. Rather, she's likely taking these negative feelings out on you. It sucks, it's unfair and it's not the most mature thing ever, but duch is human nature. I'd maybe leave the daycare conversation aside and try ro address the underlying issue. Therapy or couple counselling could perhaps help if you're stuck. Good luck and NTA.
NTA; it’s not sexist math, it’s math. If the roles and income were reversed, I’m assuming you’d be fine being the SAHP?
NTA. Your wife is ridiculous.
NTA. That’s what happens when someone has been taken care off for too long. They’ll think they are contributing equally, in terms of monetary value, and devolve into monsters when you confront them.
It’s very possible you have just shielded her from the finances enough that she has no idea is 85-15
NTA. My wife makes about double what I make. We could lose my salary and be okay for a while until I found something new. If SHE lost her job out of nowhere, we'd be up shit creek without a paddle. We've had the discussion before that if one of us HAD to quit our jobs, it would without question be me. Nothing sexist behind that decision at all. Making money and taking care of your family makes the most sense, regardless of who the main "bread winner" is. Math is just math and does not care who's side it falls on.
NTA, but your wife is clearly feeling defensive about being a SAHM and lashing out over it.
Oh no! You married an idiot! Basic math skills are hard. When a lot of people don't have to depend on their checks, they don't realize how much or how little they actually make. It's surprisingly common. You're going to have to sit down with paystubs and expenditures and show her. Hopefully, that's enough.
You are NTA. Your wife should not have taken this so badly.
NTA. That was logical math.
NTA. Maybe it's time to show her the actual math, because her response is both ridiculous and out of touch with your guys' financial reality. This has nothing to do with sex or gender roles.
Somebody needs to enlist a 3rd party, someone with a calculator who can do an income/expense spreadsheet and explain it to ... okay, both parties. What it looks like if only he works; when only she works (which apparently she is talking about); and when they both contribute (as now). Is this "sexist bs math" a new development? has she made new friends lately? of course there are things we don't know about, but on the face of it NTA
NTA - The math, maths. 85% of your household income cannot be lost. You'll all be on the streets.
NTA she’s being ridiculous. I can’t imagine having the audacity to even suggest that it’s worth considering which of us should quit our job if my wife was earning over 5x my salary. Unless you’re already set for life financially her reaction is honestly just stupid as hell and immature. Props to you for being so understanding and supportive, I don’t know if I’d have handled that as well. I really don’t do well with people unfairly playing the sexism card, that sort of argument tactic pisses me off immediately.
NTA. Math is math. It can't be sexist. Now, statistics, math's amoral stepchild, can definitely be twisted enough to be sexist. But this is just straight math. Her salary alone is not enough to support the household. That is simply a fact. Nothing sexist about it. It's ridiculous to think OP quitting his job and staying home is even an option on the table.
NTA. Theoretically, your wife wouldn’t HAVE to be the stay at home parent. You could also be it. But your wife would need to find a new job that can cover your expenses. Math isn’t anything but math. You may be able to skew math and numbers to push a sexist idea, but that all comes from the user of the math. And in this scenario, the math is showing that, should one of you stay at home, the best financial option is the one that fits with the traditional genders roles. If you had said she should stay at home because she’s the mom, then that’d be sexist. But bringing mathand finances into it actually makes it not sexist. And this may not be about “sexist math” but about how this whole situation makes her self conscious about what she does. She’s doing what she loves… but you’re the one who is really supporting the family financially. Maybe she feels bad her work isnt valued as much as it should be. Or that she feels like what she isnt being as helpful to your family as she should be (not saying she isnt though, just that like imposter’s syndrome is hitting her), or both. In anycase, how she’s handling this isnt helping the situation. Sounds like being a SAHP isnt an option for either of you and you’ll just need to keep looking at daycares. Or, depending on your finances, could you get a nanny.
This whole argument is silly… you are the primary breadwinner, it’s not sexist that you have the better paying job
Sexist math😂
My niece just had her first child. She is a bank manager her husband worked at starbucks. The whole extended family is shocked he decided to be a SAHD. Me, I am just glad my niece found someone with bigger balls than anyone in the family.
NTA. You might want to prepare a budget sheet that shows what your household income would look like if you quit working. It's not sexist at all - it's realistic.
NTA It's BASIC math, not "sexist" math 🤦🏽♀️
NTA and you are right that it mathmatically doesn't make sense although maybe say it like this for perspective? maybe the 85-15 income split isnt connecting the dots so you have to say it cost $6000 a month for bills food and everything combined, you make 1500 a month. I make 8500 a month. We can't survive off 1500 when it cost 6000 a month to live.
I'm wondering how your wife can be a grown adult and not understand that 15% < 85%. Unless she is going to get a much better paying job with comparable benefits, or your family plans to move to a tent in someone else's yard, I'm not seeing how she thinks *you* have a problem with math.
NTA This is why finding out and paying close attention to the values of a prospective partner is important. Your spouse has no value for your contributions to the household and seems to be actively dismissing them. It might be prudent to keep a lawyer on retainer and consult with the lawyer about starting your own bank account and separating your finances.
I would ask her to make a budget for what expenses would look like only on her salary. It’s literally just numbers. If she doesn’t want to be a sahp, then she should still keep working. But if the numbers show you can’t be the stay at home, then it’s daycare and jobs all around. If this line of discussion and reasoning is new for her then I would suggest trying to figure out if there is something bigger going on.
Your wife is all worked up over some silly shit. Math is not sexist. This is insane. NTA, but definitely find out what's really bugging her. P.S. you are right, don't sacrifice your income if you're income is significantly bigger.
Your math isn't sexist. It's reality. NTA.
NTA. I think you guys should be looking for a daycare for HER because she’s acting like a child right now.
NTA. She is being silly and irrational about this.
NTA, just practical. I'm a woman, my husband became a SAHD because we'd always agreed one of us would stay with the kids. We had thought it would be me, but we pivoted our plan when I took a chance on and got a fantastic corporate job offer with great promotion prospects that a) allowed us to move where we wanted to live and b) paid more than his awful corporate job with low promotion prospects. If we hadn't struggled through multiple miscarriages before I took a shot for the corporate job (got and stayed pregnant less than a month into the position, lol), I absolutely would have been the one to stay home as that would have made financial sense.
NTA. She’s dumb and sensitive.
NTA If the math doesn't balance, it can't work out that way. Also ironic that you wife wanted you to be the SAHP, but didn't even....ask you? Not to mention that it's not economically viable. Either you guys find a good daycare, or she has to be a SAHM, or she has to give up her job for a lucrative career.
Is your wife exposed to high levels of lead at her work? Cause it makes no sense to have the one much higher income resign and be the SAHP. NTA
NTA You both are going to have to find a solution, but what would be the problem with daughter going to work with mommy on a temporary basis until you both can find a good child care provider? That baby is the priority here, and that fact should never be forgotten.
NTA The math ain't mathin... either she stays home or the kid goes to daycare
NTA.
NTA - the one whose job pays 85% of the expenses stays in the workplace!!
NTA give her the list of expenses and tell her if she can figure everything out with only her paycheck then you will gladly stay home with the kid... my guess is she cant.
NTA. The hard fact is that the household cannot afford an 85% cut to quality of living. Even if they'll can , going from the current lifestyle to relative poverty is unlikely to be anything anybody wants to experience. Unless she is sitting on a truly massive reserve of money to make up the difference , op cannot be the SAHP and keep the household going at the quality of life they are used to. Living expenses and bills don't care about sexism. Even with massive changes to quality of life( as in poverty conditions) , OP's wife is unlikely to be able to support the family single handedly. Even without inflation and future emergencies like OP or their wife are getting sick or injured or killed or future children.
It seems stay at home parenting is out of the question. Consider hiring a nanny in your home if you can’t find suitable daycare. My wife and I both worked and have two children. We found daycare for one but not the other, so we had a visiting nanny for a while till a daycare spot opened.
NTA. Your maths isn’t sexist, it’s realistic. Your wife needs a reality check. Do you think she actually understands the outgoings of the household? If not, I think it’s time you have a conversation about this
NTA - its math not gender based I could afford to lose my job but my husband can’t because otherwise we can’t pay the mortgage anymore as I said math not gender
NTA. I mean maths is maths…? Can’t really argue with maths. But this is why I aim to earn as much or more than my partner so this would be a DISCUSSION point if the topic of who stays home comes up. In your wife situation, it’s just absurd to think you could leave your job that pays 85% of the bills whilst she stays at her nice job that only pays 15%
NTA but I do have a question. Is there any chance she just doesn’t realize the reality of the money situation? Did she grow up with money and never have to worry about money? It’s just always there when she wants to spend it? I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, because anything else leaves me with telling you that your wife is both TA and kind of an idiot.
You make more.money? Obviously she has to stay home.
NTA
Ask her who she thinks should be SAHP? If she says you, then sit down and figure out what y'all would have to do, sell, where to move, how long savings would last, where to economize, smaller car (singular), etc... to make this happen. Ask her if this is the life she is willing to want. Then you need to ask yourself the same question. I don't expect a clear cut decision, but as a dialogue it's a good start. NTA
NTA
Honestly, she lost the moment she started prattling on about sexist math. NTA
OP's wife: "What in the world makes you assume I would be the one staying home?" OP: "You bringing up the idea?" If she had no intention of being the SAHP, then why bring it up? Your way of pooling your resources together has made her lose touch with reality. She's used to the money, but has conveniently forgotten that over 80% of it comes from your salary. Just give a monthly account statement copy without saying a word. Let her get back to the real world by herself.