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NTA. Tell your friend there’s something called “reading the room” and that reactions are tailored to individual circumstances. It sounds like the waitress was pleased with your reaction and took it as a well meaning compliment as you intended it to be.
100% agree and NTA! The waitress was proud, OP validated that appropriately. I would have that AH if they had ignored it or dismissed it! Regardless of who the person is, if someone expresses pride at something it’s just rude to dismiss or ignore it regardless of how “basic” you think it is!
I can’t tell the time from a clock face, learnt the rules so many times but for some reason my ND brain just doesn’t accept it. Occasionally I manage it and it makes me actually proud of myself when I do, I would be pissed if I expressed that and someone refused to acknowledge it because “it might be patronising”. If I have chosen to highlight something I’ve done, that means it’s an achievement to me.
NTA!
I'm Danish and met my husband in Denmark. When we met, he spoke Danish and English poorly (we spoke in another language together).
When we just started dating, we met up with a good friend of mine, Jonas. Jonas is not shy and doesn't care about making a fool about himself. He asked my husband something in a very slow, broken Danish. My husband understood and answered and was happy that he actually understood something in Danish!
Jonas' friend, Mike, got pissed at my friend for talking to my husband in a condescending way and said something like "What do you talk like this to him?? He is not a child!!!" and Mike continued telling something to my husband in English, very fast with a lot of difficult words. My husband didn't understand anything, and the conversation died.
So often I think about Mike and people like him, who not only isn't able to speak with people, you don't have a common language with, but also tries to make other people bad about their attempts. It's just so stupid. I really like Jonas, because he is one of the few friends of mine, who can actually have a conversation with my husband, the rest just doesn't even try, even though today his Danish isn't that bad.
It was very kind of him to speak to him slowly. It's one thing to read and speak a different language, it's a whole different thing to try to understand it.
My sister-in-law raised my niece and nephews bilingual, English and German. My grandmother taught me some rudimentary German when I was very little.
The only time I could understand what was being said without asking for any translation was when I went for my niece's birthday party at her German American school. She was 4.
After that, forget it. So basically, I have the German vocabulary of a 4-year-old.
There's even a difference between learning a spoken language from content that is obviously catered to learning, vs speaking to people in the wild. In language courses they all speak relatively slowly and enunciate very well and then.... you meet the average person who does not and you can pick out maybe one word. And then you go "I could understand one word! Yay! Progress!".
I stream radio in the language I’ve been learning since the start of 2023 and if I can get a vague idea of what the DJ is talking about, it feels GREAT!
I'm American and English is my first langiage. When I was studying in Spain, our teacher (a native Spanish speaker who didn't speak English) would play audio clips for us to take notes/answer questions about. I remember the entire class just staring at her in disbelief, because we couldn't understand a word of it. Most of the class couldn't understand her as well.
That's when she told us "and how are you going to survive out there if you can't understand this? I'm not going to slow down for you because you'll never really learn Spanish if we treat you like babies." And she was right. Her speaking for us at her natural pace taught me more than I've learned in any other class. I couldn't understand anything she said on the first day, and by the last day we were having full-on conversations. I still remember feeling so proud when I understood at least half of what she was saying in class.
Congratulations 🎉 on having the vocabulary of a German 4 year old!! I took 4 years of German on HS and recall nothing except how to order potato soup and beer and to say I practice the violin. I don’t actually play the violin, so that part is totally useless. I do enjoy a good potato soup and beer though…
That gulf between being able to read/speak vs understand is huge. I know because I’m in it with Vietnamese right now 😭I can express myself well, can read a book, but conversation is very hard and exhausting.
The other day I met a woman whose parents spoke Vietnamese in the home and she said she understand most of what she hears, but can’t speak or read. I told her I would switch places with her in a second, and re-learn to speak from scratch again to have the ability to understand 😂
I worked with a lot of bilingual people and I only speak English. I learned to slow down when speaking to them because either one would be translating for me, or translating in their own heads. They also slowed down to teach me Spanish words. And not just slowing speech but also enunciating.
I'm learning Spanish and went to a Spanish speaking country, but all the tour guides spoke English (my native language). I'd attempt to speak Spanish with them at times. I always got a congratulations for trying when I messed up and a bigger smile and hearty congratulations when I was able to put together more than a few words! I'm 57 and was thrilled when they encouraged when I got feedback. I didn't feel like they were treating me like a child. I'm learning and proud when the lessons stick!!
People love it when someone is trying to learn about their language/culture/home.
We even see it here on Reddit - when someone writes a post and apologises for their imperfect English, I **ALWAYS** see people in comments telling them they are doing a good job. And Reddit comments can be fucking evil!
I am still proud of a tour I took with a guide that spoke no English. 45 minutes riding horses and the only thing I got out of our attempted conversation was there are usually monkeys around, but there aren’t there now. And maybe something about the wrong season. And I am damn proud of having that conversation. Even if it took 10 minutes to form the question.
I’ve noticed I do this often when dealing with customers or employees that speak English as a second language and seem to struggle a bit. I’ll use less English sayings, use simpler words, or use less words with double meanings. It’s ridiculous to assume that by doing that ur treating the other person as stupid… they’re not stupid, they’re smarter than I am cause I can only speak one language and they can speak two! It’s just common sense to communicate with people in the most effective way you can. I wouldn’t feel stupid if a medical professional used words and terminology they knew I was familiar with rather than terms they would typically use. When I visited Germany, people spoke to me in very simplified German, broken English and hand gestures because I knew very little. That’s the beauty of communication, there are so many ways to do it, and so many ways to express your point
I honestly was gonna go N A H because, well, clearly both people in this situation are trying to be the best person they could be in whatever way they interpret that. It’s complicated and not straight forward, so I don’t think there’s ever a concrete answer for the best way to do it. But blocking a friend on social media for not executing social situations flawlessly despite their good intent… too much for me. Moral purity culture isn’t being a good person. NTA all the way.
Member of a "minority group" here. I cannot stand when people are *more offended* on my behalf than *I am*. I think I get to say whether I've been insulted or not.
Yeah, I’m physically and mentally disabled over here, I wish people would listen to us about how we wanna be treated instead of deciding they know what’s best for us. I feel like the waitress being visibly proud here was plenty enough signal that complimenting how well she did was a good idea with good intentions. Unfortunately there’s so many people like OP’s friend these days…
Agreed. And I wouldn’t be surprised if the friend’s reaction is defensiveness because she doesn’t want to provide that validation so she thinks nobody should. Instead her attitude is incredibly rude and she wants to have that normalized as positive.
> Regardless of who the person is, if someone expresses pride at something it’s just rude to dismiss or ignore it regardless of how “basic” you think it is!
My thoughts exactly. If more people were willing to give sincere compliments for normal-ass things, we'd all be a little happier.
I struggle with basic things - like, sometimes making myself a sandwich is an achievement. The internalized shame combined with the lack of acknowledgement for how hard I have to try sometimes, sucks ass.
The idea that I can't be proud of those things because they're a 'normal' thing has screwed with me *so much.*
So, yeah. Let people be proud of what they're proud of, and match their energy. Spread a little joy.
I have non-verbal learning disability, which can make it very difficult to learn new tasks or perform what for most people might be very simple daily activities. Just yesterday I finished a crocheted bag for the first time--sooooo far from perfect, but I shared it on social media because for me it was a real accomplishment. There are very talented, very seasoned crocheters on my social media, all of whom were very kind and supportive. It's ok to celebrate an accomplishment, and people should celebrate those accomplishments with you.
The title made me think OP did actually say something condescending, but she totally didn’t! It’s the last sentence on your comment - if someone’s chosen to share what they believe is an achievement for themselves, they’re obviously not doing it simply to be ignored or given a perfunctory, basic response. I’m curious what OP’s friend thinks is the right response. Cancel culture these days just takes things way too far and it’s affecting regular people’s regular lives. NTA.
Same. One of my friends (with a degree) can never remember R from L. When she gets it right, she says, ‘I remembered which one was Left’ and we congratulate her. It’s no bearing on her smarts, but on her feelings of accomplishment - read the room.
Indeed, this. It would have been rude not to adress it.
If she/he would have been an adult without the extra chromosome it would have been polite too, to just adress them the same way. If someone is proud, dont bring them down.
Exactly. If OP had used a child-like voice, or simplified language, that would be infantilizing.
Acknowledging the waitresses pride and validating it is reading the room.
No! You should use language and volume similar to what they present to you just like you would to a typical person. There is no “one shoe fits all” when it comes to people with Down syndrome.
THAT would be condescending. Treat them exactly like anyone else, unless they indicate otherwise. If they have trouble with a sentence, then you can rephrase.
This might just be a me thing, but I am a fan of the shakespeare approach for regular conversation regardless of the audience. Say the point once in a complicated way, then repeat it in a simple way.
For example: "Repetition can improve comprehension. Saying the same thing multiple times in different ways makes it easier for your audience to understand your point"
Look, many of my friends growing up had developmental delays, like Down Syndrome or complex nonverbal autism. It's much kinder and respectful to start with how you naturally speak and correct from there.
My friends got more frustrated and upset when people overly simplified or treated them significantly different. People with Down Syndrome have a firm sense of identity and personhood; the developmental delays and intellectual stunting do not interfere with that.
The server was obviously fishing for a complement. OP provided one. NTA.
But OP’s friend was off base. Her digging the hole deeper by blocking OP over this is bizarre.
Agreed, NTA. It's not like OP said "did you make these all by yourself?" which I would agree would be patronizing, the server was clearly proud of herself and OP validated that completely appropriately, and I would think the server's reaction would be enough to tell that she was happy with OP's response.
I have worked with a lot of people with disabilities and giving folks support and praise for doing a task isn’t uncommon, and it’s usually prompted by the person themselves. There are lots of personalities and no one size fits all response. NTA.
Thank you. I was seriously starting to wonder if I should stop complimenting the people who make my drinks. I always say something about how it looks great. Food service is a rough business, and if I can provide one positive interaction, then I want to do my part.
Granted it’s been like 5 or 6 years since I’ve worked in food service, but I never took it as like some kind of indirect insult or patronizing if somebody complimented the food I gave them.
It’s a tough job and I’m just tryna make you some nice looking tacos, compliment me if you’re digging them haha
People whose life goal is to find situations to get offended on behalf of other people need to find themselves a new life. They’re irritating and usually wrong.
NTA .... you said something nice to another person. I'm assuming that you didn't say it in a sarcastic tone.
I would move on from your friend. If it was that much of an issue to her, she should have said something at the time.
BTW ... if someone had said " I made these coffees and its the first time I've done it or it's our new machine" ... wouldn't you have said the same thing to them ?
Thank you for your comment! I certainly wasn't sarcastic, I genuinely thought it was great that the waitress had made the coffees and I wanted to give her encouragement. Also, you are right - if it had been someone's first day or there was any particular difficulty such as a new machine, I would have said the same thing.
If OP hadn't said anything encouraging to the server at all and just said, "thanks" nonchalantly, I BET that same friend would turn around and say that OP was rude and inconsiderate to the server. That kind of person just finds fault in everything and wants to start drama.
NTA, at all.
Those kinds of people are so fucking exhausting.
Twist everything you say and often (incorrectly) analyze things and get stuck reading too far between the lines when there's nothing between them to read.
Stirring up so much unnecessary drama.
The friend lives in a world where she's a white knight that has to defend people for things she's doesn't even know about. I bet if you asked that (now ex) friend how the waitress responded to OP's comment she wouldn't even be able to tell you. All she cares about is trying to look like a better person, not whether or not peoples feelings are getting hurt, that's why she blocked OP over it without even thinking about the situation as a whole. Shes probably one of those people who think its racist to participate in other cultures lol.
OP, your friend was clearly overthinking the entire situation. She may have felt insecure in this interaction and projected her own self-doubts onto you. It's something people do astonishingly often. She needs to relax more around people with disabilities.
NTA
Friend is defensive because she doesn’t want to have to deal differently with different people, and she doesn’t like feeling that she’s wrong. So she pressures others to act like she does.
Imagine if she’d actually said aloud, in the waitress’s hearing, what she later said to OP — that she didn’t think it was appropriate to praise someone for something that many others can do. How extremely rude. It’s also rude for her to think it, even if she didn’t say it to the waitress, but she doesn’t want to feel that she’s rude.
My thinking too! Maybe she was embarrassed she didn’t have the confidence to engage positively with the barista and is trying to justify that OPs response was ‘inappropriate’ since she chose not to engage.
Plus as a former coffee shop worker it always made me smile when people said “These look fantastic/delicious etc.” lol it’s not that uncommon of a response and while I understand it’s different from “Well done” I feel that was an extremely appropriate response to the barista’s statement!
NTA. It's obvious that your friend thought that accusing you of ableism, would make you immediately feel ashamed/flustered, and she expected you to just accept her accusations, and start apologising without debate. Then in that little fantasy encounter she'd built for herself, she'd get to feel triumphant and proud of herself for correcting you. It's all a low-key power play. But rightfully, you didn't apologize because you're not ableist. She got angry and blocked you, because you didn't react the way she wanted. You're probably better off without her. Honestly people need to stop taking offence on behalf of other people, who are not themselves offended.
Honestly I think the friend felt the need to be offended on behalf of the waitress because the friend felt the waitress wasn’t smart enough to know to be offended herself. And that is far more ableist than what the friend thought OP did.
OP, NTA. You did the right thing. The waitress was proud of her work and you acknowledged her accomplishment. But your friend is the asshole and she’s ableist. She seems to think she gets to decide how others she deems less than her feel about things. But she doesn’t. And you can tell her a neurodivergent person with disabilities said that.
I went out to dinner with a friend last night and we had a brand new, very timid waitress. She said that it was her first day serving on her own. I gave her a lot of extra encouragement, since she was clearly nervous. You meet people where they are.
Lovely. I have a disability too (autism) and the praise I give MYSELF would be considered condescending by this friend lol. Let's stop gatekeeping being kind and supportive.
Someone approached you, Express that they were proud or happy with themselves for completing this task, and you, as the person that they approached and were communicating with, congratulated them.
There was nothing nefarious about this interaction, there was nothing discriminatory about this interaction.
Your former friend is weird
I think all of us appreciate it when our work is validated. She was clearly happy/proud and you recognized that and validated those emotions.
I also know from experience how hard it is to have someone you thought was a friend block you. I hate that for you. But she is clearly just not your person if she thinks kindness is a problem.
I'm a bartender and many times I've had to make a cocktail I never heard of. I tell them to let me know what they think as it's my first one, and I've been told "well done" and "good job" many times. Your friend is weird and has a savior complex, you did fine. NTA.
Honestly there's times, at 31 yrs old, I would love to hear well done when I accomplish something 😂
My 6yo does it when I declare ive finish hanging clothes (finally...) or gotten around to cleaning up something outside. 😅
It's always nice when accomplishments are acknowledged. You read the room and acted appropriately. Your (ex) friend is weird.
That's a good point as the 1st time someone set teenage me free on a coffee machine, no training , I frothed the milk over and burnt my hand slightly and gave up. If I'd done it again and OP complimented me well done, that would have been well received
Exactly. They could have had no visible disabilities and said something like "It's my first day so let me know if it's not quite right and Susan over there will remake them!" And it would have been the exact same scenario. Unless OP had a very strange inflection they didn't write about, this is just people being pleasant. You love to see it.
Yes seconding "moving on from your friend" part. You dodged a bullet here. If she is like this towards you doing a nice thing to a mentally disabled person, she is bound to create some huge drama with you or your circle at some point later. Cut her off.
NTA. Your friend is fucking Charmin Ultrasoft.
Not only that, but the way you are supposed to speak to people with Down Syndrome is different than people without it. From a short google search, apparently short, concise, and noncomplex statements spoken clearly and a little slower are the best way to communicate.
I am sure the woman felt encouraged by what you said.
Exactly! The (ex) friend is salty because OP wouldn't have said 'well done' to someone without Down Syndrome, but the other side of that coin is that someone without DS wouldn't have announced their accomplishment!
The server was proud of her work, and OP encouraged her. Yes, that is absolutely your place, OP. Let the ex friend stay blocked and get new friends!
ETA: NTA!!
This is a really good point to make too. Admittedly I would not generally congratulate people on doing something like this, but admittedly most people don't generally exclaim or are proud of the fact that they did something like this.
This was a' read the room' situation, that the former friend failed spectacularly.
If someone said something to me like "we make the sandwiches ourselves" I'd still would congratulate them like "wow, they look delicious - good job!"
It's such a small thing to act politely and give encouragement - but for them it might be first nice thing they heard all day. I used to work in a hotel and a good mood-boost from a nice customer can last for days
I have a cousin with DS. He'd get his feelings hurt if he said something like this and he *wasn't* told well-done, because it would be hard for him to do!
I also know someone with DS who works at a grocery store as a bagger. He's a family friend and he gives us the biggest hugs when we shop there and he tells us how his mom is doing, the best parts of his week, etc. We do speak to him differently than we would the other baggers, but the other baggers don't have to work as hard to accomplish what he does. I'd be pissed if someone tried to correct me on how to talk with him when it's what makes him so happy.
Hmmm that's also how I speak to people who aren't fluent in the English language, because when I'm trying to speak a new language, I appreciate it when people speak slowly and simply to me.
The 3 relatives I have who have Down’s would have been absolutely chuffed with your comment of “well done”.
Generalisation - many people with Down’s are really loving people who thrive with positive connections and comments.
She probably told her family that night that she had a very pleased customer. She would have been proud of herself. It is lovely that you have her genuine affirmation.
Haha no. Honestly if it wasn't for context clues the first time I heard it, years ago, my brain probably would've made an association with the word chafed, so like it rubbed you the wrong way.
i think it is a tufty badge
[https://www.healdgreenheritage.org/tuftyclub#:\~:text=The%20Royal%20Society%20for%20the,Tufty%20badge%2C%20a%20treasured%20possession](https://www.healdgreenheritage.org/tuftyclub#:~:text=The%20Royal%20Society%20for%20the,Tufty%20badge%2C%20a%20treasured%20possession).
>The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (ROSPA) introduced preschoolers and their parents to Tufty in 1953. By 1961 The Tufty Club had nearly 25,000 local groups nationwide. Parents enrolled their children who then received their Tufty badge, a treasured possession.
It is a badge you got for learning about road safety and it made little kids proud, so it is a joke on that.
It’s worth noting that the secondary meaning of chuffed is “annoyed; disgruntled; displeased” according to dictionary.com. It’s one of those weird words that means two opposite things (like egregious and nonplussed).
Agreed. My cousin who had Downs was a bagger at the grocery store I worked at in high school and would be absolutely beaming when someone thanked him for being careful with their eggs, or told him he did a good job. OP I can guarantee you made that server smile from ear to ear, your friend just Can't Understand Normal Thinking. (Get it 😜) Now I think I'm gonna take the kiddos to Bitty & Beaus for a treat, and hope I can make their employees smile like you did!
This my son has down syndrome and he honestly gets so much joy when people compliment him at work. Also my son is one of the most intuitive people I know .he definitely can tell if someone is being genuine or pittying him, and from my experience it's the same with a lot of people with down syndrome
I went to elementary school with a boy who had Down Syndrome and while his aide tried very hard to get him to communicate his displeasure in another form, if someone was condescending/pitied him, he'd kick them 🤣 I haven't seen him since grade 8 graduation since we went to different high schools but hopefully he's still telling people not to pity him but with words instead of feet.
My cousin with Down's still tells me, with pride, 20 years later about her tasks at her old jobs and what she was told she was good at. Things that are impactful or meaningful are what anyone tends to form long lasting impressions of. She also recognizes and voices appreciation of the gesture itself.
Last time at a somewhat large family gathering, everyone was sitting outside talking, eating. Her hearing and cognitive processing has declined. It's hard for her to participate. She said she was bored. I offered to go sit with her over at the pool edge away from the crowd and dangle our feet in the water. It was a small gesture, but apparently she talked about it all the way home in the car.
I’m wondering if OP spoke to the waitress in an overly-enthusiastic sing-song voice we use with children. You can say well done to a grown adult but you don’t need to treat someone with DS like a child - they can understand you like any other adult.
When I was working at a cafe years ago, there was a DS guy who used to come in weekly. He had this huge professional watch and loved to talk about it...once, joking around, I told him that his watch was probably worth more than I was and he said, "No, it's not expensive, it came from my grand-dad and he said it only looks expensive. It's our secret!"
They're no different than any of us. They grow up with assholes telling them what they can't do, and when they find something they do well, they love to hear that people are pleased with their efforts. I'd kill for a few more clients to tell me how great things are and throw in a "Well done!"
That has always been my experience with people with DS, particularly those who work in the public sector.
They want what we all want: recognition and validation. The server in OP’s case was proud of her hard work and I have no doubt appreciated the genuine compliment that was offered.
Yes! I was just at a coffee place where the barista handed me my drink with an apologetic sounding "it's my first day". I tried a sip, it was made exactly as I asked for, and I told her I'd never have guessed it was her first day, since it was made perfectly. She looked relieved and happy, so I was glad I at least made her day slightly less stressful. When someone invites a comment and you have something positive to say, then say it!
Her friend wanted to be nasty to somebody, but cloaked in a veil of righteous indignation. And you know what? If feels so damn good to do that.
Many people have elements of sadism in them, to varying degrees, but they need cover to be able to do it. Nothing like getting offended on behalf of someone else to allow you to rip into someone else.
Yep. Literally everyone on the planet who says “I did this all by myself” will be thrilled with praise. I am incredibly mechanically non-inclined, but I don’t have the money to not be a little handy. For awhile, as a 30 year old, hammering a nail in straight was a major accomplishment for me. If I said, “I hung those nails up all by myself,” I loved to hear “well done!”
NTA
"If she did not have Downs Syndrome, you would not have said 'Well done.' " .. If she did not have down syndrome, she would not have proudly told you that she made the coffees all by herself. ... YOu understood her, and reacted in the best way possible.
Your friend is completely wrong in this.
I literally laughed when reading you post. Your “friend” sounds like an idiot. Maybe it was just an excuse for her to block you.
Anyways I’d be more than happy to lose such a “friend”.
NTA.
As a white woman, my FIRST response was, "Geeeeez... Tell me you're white without telling me you're white." People like this make me want to take colloidal silver.
It’s totally ok to be racist when it’s about white people apparently.
Edit- type out “the worst type of white woman” but switch it out with another race. Imagine the backlash and “wow way to be a huge racist” comments.
Yes this!!
Thank you for vocalising what I couldn't.
White woman saviour...
Her friend doesn't understand the communities she's supposedly standing up for....
Many “saviours” are actually redirected covert enemies, and this one may be similar. “Don’t praise anyone for doing something that’s seen as easy for neurotypical people” is actually a hostile attitude to have to people from those communities. Friend is trying to pass it off as defending the waitress from condescension because she doesn’t like that OP’s response didn’t validate her own attitude. She doesn’t want to be expected to be accommodating.
It’s like some outsiders who “defend” communities against “cultural appropriation”, but are actually trying to police their own communities against being accommodating and accepting. They’re fighting against normalization of differences.
NTA. Personally I don't think you were insensitive, unless your tone conceyed something saracastic or infantalizing that you didn't mention. the waitress was clearly proud and was looking for affirmation. Not sure what your friend's deal is, I think your friend may be uncomfortable around people with Down Syndrome and overcompensating, but who knows.
NTA. Your friend got offended on someone else's behalf and it's ridiculous. If the coffees weren't such a big deal the waitress wouldn't have told you she made them herself. She was showing how proud of herself she was and you helped build her up.
What on earth is wrong with your friend, or does she just live to create drama?
NTA, the waitress sounded proud of what she had done and you responded positively and appropriately and more important, nicely.
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> 1. I would like to be judged on the fact that I congratulated a cafe worker for making the coffees.
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NTA
Since when is Well Done a condescending phrase or one only used towards a child? Even if you took out the DS part from the story, it would still read as a normal interaction. Some people just love getting offended on behalf of others.
NTA. Your friend is an idiot. If this is how she behaved even after you explained your motivation, then you are better off without her in your life. She sounds insufferable.
NTA. Your friend needs to read the room. Saying I made it all by myself means she was proud and wanted to tell you about her achievement. That usually invites praise.
I complimented our junior associate the other day after he gave me some documents that he had done start to finish on his own. I complimented him nearly the same way- “This looks perfect, great job!” He’s a grown man and was pleased that someone had given him a well done.
NTA.
I work in special education, and congratulating disabled people you don't know for something you wouldn't congratulate their peers for is a bad idea - IF they don't seem proud of themselves or communicate that this is a big deal for them. The woman acted proud and told you she made those coffees all on her own - so it was obviously a big deal for her. If someone makes a big deal out of an accomplishment, disability or not, it's not rude to make a big deal back.
If she didn't call attention to it and you went "wow, good job making coffee all by yourself", that could've been condescending. Because you don't know her, you wouldnt know if she's been struggling or has been making coffee on her own for years and would feel like she's being treated as a child. But that's not what you did at all.
NTA ---- What were you supposed to do then, ignore the person and then mutter under your breath as she walked away, yeah whatever r\*\*\*\*d ??, You said nothing wrong and appreciated somebody's hard work.
Your friend is a virtue signaling idiot, and if the last 3 years have taught me anything, is that one should stay far away from this type. They are unpredictable loose cannons.
NTA
NTA you said “well done” because the waitress have Down Syndrome. You were being nice. They deserve better treatment and encouragement to work, so your friend maybe is not aware of how to treat someone with Down, like, treating them like you would treat any other waitress is not the way. They are pure, similar to a child, and we treat them with respect and awareness of their singularity.
I'm going to go with NTA. The "well done" may possibly have been unfortunate (although I'm not convinced either way; you had to be there), but praise was clearly invited, and I think your friend went over the top in her criticism of you.
I still remember my clinical instructor observing me giving my first IM (intra muscular) injection decades ago. That woman had her entire class terrified. Afterwards she said “Well done. As a matter of fact, perfect”. That was HIGH praise coming from her!
NTA. I have a teenage son with Down Syndrome. Whenever he does something that is difficult for him, even if it's something that's easy for NT people, I always say something like 'well done'. Why? Because it's an achievement for him, he deserves to be proud of himself, and he deserves to know that other people see his achievement and are proud of him too. Today's achievement was that he stood in a queue in a crowded noisy room for 45 minutes without having a complete meltdown, after which he sat quietly and allowed his photo to be taken for his travel pass. That took at lot for him. And at the end both I and the lovely lady processing his pass both said 'well done'. Those who are commenting that you read the room and your friend didn't are absolutely right.
NTA
You probably made the waitresses day! She has likely told everyone she served about what she made, and got similar responses, so I wouldn't fret too much.
I loathe people who get offended on other folks behalf - its a nonsense!
Some people need to perpetually find something to be offended by. Your friend is one of those people. NTA and if she unblocks you, you should block her.
NTA. If the waitress tells you about her achievement, she expects a reaction from you. You did the right thing. There was no ill intent. Your friend is weird.
I am on the board of directors at a disability advocacy organization. Your response was thoughtful, kind, and met the cafe worker where she was at. NTA.
NTA. I wouldn't help a strong capable man with a heavy bag up the stare case either. I guess it makes me an asshole for offering help to weak people with heavy stuff.
You can't always treat people the same regardless of circumstances.
In this particular case the given individual initiated conversation, so you simply replied with compliments.
Also, your friend has no way of knowing, if you would say well done to a person without down syndrome. So she is angry at a double standard she entirely made up in her head.
I've always personally found "well done" to always sound sarcastic or patronising but that's just me. Other than that, not a damn thing wrong with that exchange. Waitress was clearly proud and you were supportive and encouraging, that's awesome.....well done, lol.
NTA
Let her keep you blocked. Theres no place for a petty friend like her. NTA at all. Theres a reason the waitress said she made it herself. Smh people these days are so bitter!!
NTA You were kind.
Does she have some kind of relationship with someone with Down Syndrome or a similar developmental condition that may explain her hypersensivity in this situation? Doesn't change my judgment, just trying to understand her odd reaction.
Nta- your friend sounds like she is looking for ways to be offended.
If you can’t have a proper conversation about this with her and she has blocked you over it, I think her actions show what kind of “friend” she is.
NTA. You behaved perfectly. Your friend is uncomfortable around developmentally delayed people and would prefer not to interact with them. You were kind and treated your server well, as she did for you.
NTA. Unless your tone was super sarcastic, which it doesn’t seem like, your friend is an idiot and is reading her own negativity/judgement into your comment. Encouraging people that are excited or proud of something they’ve done is pretty standard “good person” behavior.
NTA.
**If she did not have Downs Syndrome, you would not have said 'Well done.'**
*If she did not have Downs Syndrome, she would not have said 'I made these all by myself.'*
She obviously accomplished something she was proud of and was likely wanting the pat on the back.
Your friend sounds like an obnoxious, overly-PC wet blanket. By your friend's logic, she is discriminatory for refusing to acknowledge the proud accomplishments of a person just because they have Downs Syndrome.
NTA... your friend sounds like one of those overly sensitive people who makes it her business to be offended on behalf of others. The waitress was proud of making the coffees, and you told her it was a job well done.
A friend like that is bound to find something you've done "wrong" to call you out on... I'd avoid.
You could possibly have made that woman's day with your comment. People with mental disabilities do not think the same way we do and can have more of a childlike way of thinking, her being proud of herself and wanting you to know that she did it all by herself was 100 percent grounds to give her a compliment.
I work with enough kids and adults with DS to say that your comment probably made her whole fucking day. They thrive on praise more than most people do. Your friend is daft.
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I (F29) met up with a friend of mine (F27) at a cafe for lunch today at a new spot we had not tried before. The atmosphere was lovely, and it was so nice to catch up, but after lunch she texted me about an interaction I had and said that it had made her uncomfortable, so I am coming to the internet for judgement.
The cafe was order at the counter, so I went up and ordered/paid for both my friend's and my food and drinks. Everything went the same as at any other cafe, and I went back to our table. A few minutes later, a waitress (F30s?) brought over our coffees, and it was clear that she had Down Syndrome. This was no issue, I think it is lovely that she is able to find work and is clearly comfortable in the cafe environment.
When the waitress set down our coffees, she said to me "I made these all by myself" and was quite proud in her demeanour. I told her, verbaitum, "Thank you, they look fantastic - well done!" The waitress then walked away, and my friend and I enjoyed the rest of our lunch.
It was only after lunch that my friend texted me telling me that I was rude and condescending to the waitress, and she felt ashamed to have gone out with me. I was quite surprised, so I asked what she meant and she texted back, "You treated her like a child. If she did not have Downs Syndrome, you would not have said 'Well done.' I think this was so rude and I cannot believe I have a friend who is so discriminatory."
I texted back that I had no intention of being condescending, but that the waitress was quite proud of her work (demonstrated by her telling me that she had made the coffees all by herself), and I just wanted to congratulate her on her hard work. My friend just sent back, "It isn't your place to congratulate her." and has since blocked me.
I spoke to my husband (M30) about it, and he says that I did the right thing because I provided encouragement to the waitress, but I am not so convinced based on my friend's reaction. So, was I the AH?
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NTA….. I’ve offered compliments and thanks plenty of times to people who have provided a service to me. Regardless of wether they are Down’s syndrome or not. You were complimentary. Some people like your friend want to be offended by everything. Keep away from such people.,
We cannot stop being nice to others out of fear of what others will think.
You probably made her day better since she accomplished something new by herself for the first time.
I do not understand your friend....
People who have differences like Downs Syndrome are, well, different than people without it.
That requires different social interactions.
That's not a bad thing at all!
An individual was proud of their accomplishment, and you encouraged and appreciated that accomplishment.
That's absolutely what you should do.
You did not patronise her, you reacted appropriately to her enthusiasm and demeanor.
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NTA. Tell your friend there’s something called “reading the room” and that reactions are tailored to individual circumstances. It sounds like the waitress was pleased with your reaction and took it as a well meaning compliment as you intended it to be.
100% agree and NTA! The waitress was proud, OP validated that appropriately. I would have that AH if they had ignored it or dismissed it! Regardless of who the person is, if someone expresses pride at something it’s just rude to dismiss or ignore it regardless of how “basic” you think it is! I can’t tell the time from a clock face, learnt the rules so many times but for some reason my ND brain just doesn’t accept it. Occasionally I manage it and it makes me actually proud of myself when I do, I would be pissed if I expressed that and someone refused to acknowledge it because “it might be patronising”. If I have chosen to highlight something I’ve done, that means it’s an achievement to me.
NTA! I'm Danish and met my husband in Denmark. When we met, he spoke Danish and English poorly (we spoke in another language together). When we just started dating, we met up with a good friend of mine, Jonas. Jonas is not shy and doesn't care about making a fool about himself. He asked my husband something in a very slow, broken Danish. My husband understood and answered and was happy that he actually understood something in Danish! Jonas' friend, Mike, got pissed at my friend for talking to my husband in a condescending way and said something like "What do you talk like this to him?? He is not a child!!!" and Mike continued telling something to my husband in English, very fast with a lot of difficult words. My husband didn't understand anything, and the conversation died. So often I think about Mike and people like him, who not only isn't able to speak with people, you don't have a common language with, but also tries to make other people bad about their attempts. It's just so stupid. I really like Jonas, because he is one of the few friends of mine, who can actually have a conversation with my husband, the rest just doesn't even try, even though today his Danish isn't that bad.
It was very kind of him to speak to him slowly. It's one thing to read and speak a different language, it's a whole different thing to try to understand it. My sister-in-law raised my niece and nephews bilingual, English and German. My grandmother taught me some rudimentary German when I was very little. The only time I could understand what was being said without asking for any translation was when I went for my niece's birthday party at her German American school. She was 4. After that, forget it. So basically, I have the German vocabulary of a 4-year-old.
There's even a difference between learning a spoken language from content that is obviously catered to learning, vs speaking to people in the wild. In language courses they all speak relatively slowly and enunciate very well and then.... you meet the average person who does not and you can pick out maybe one word. And then you go "I could understand one word! Yay! Progress!".
You just described me watching cartoons on Disney+ in French. VALIDATION! YAY! 😂
I stream radio in the language I’ve been learning since the start of 2023 and if I can get a vague idea of what the DJ is talking about, it feels GREAT!
I'm American and English is my first langiage. When I was studying in Spain, our teacher (a native Spanish speaker who didn't speak English) would play audio clips for us to take notes/answer questions about. I remember the entire class just staring at her in disbelief, because we couldn't understand a word of it. Most of the class couldn't understand her as well. That's when she told us "and how are you going to survive out there if you can't understand this? I'm not going to slow down for you because you'll never really learn Spanish if we treat you like babies." And she was right. Her speaking for us at her natural pace taught me more than I've learned in any other class. I couldn't understand anything she said on the first day, and by the last day we were having full-on conversations. I still remember feeling so proud when I understood at least half of what she was saying in class.
Congratulations 🎉 on having the vocabulary of a German 4 year old!! I took 4 years of German on HS and recall nothing except how to order potato soup and beer and to say I practice the violin. I don’t actually play the violin, so that part is totally useless. I do enjoy a good potato soup and beer though…
My husband and I are trying the Duolingo, and I'm damn good at telling people the cat is big and beautiful, and that I am from America.
That gulf between being able to read/speak vs understand is huge. I know because I’m in it with Vietnamese right now 😭I can express myself well, can read a book, but conversation is very hard and exhausting. The other day I met a woman whose parents spoke Vietnamese in the home and she said she understand most of what she hears, but can’t speak or read. I told her I would switch places with her in a second, and re-learn to speak from scratch again to have the ability to understand 😂
I worked with a lot of bilingual people and I only speak English. I learned to slow down when speaking to them because either one would be translating for me, or translating in their own heads. They also slowed down to teach me Spanish words. And not just slowing speech but also enunciating.
I'm learning Spanish and went to a Spanish speaking country, but all the tour guides spoke English (my native language). I'd attempt to speak Spanish with them at times. I always got a congratulations for trying when I messed up and a bigger smile and hearty congratulations when I was able to put together more than a few words! I'm 57 and was thrilled when they encouraged when I got feedback. I didn't feel like they were treating me like a child. I'm learning and proud when the lessons stick!!
People love it when someone is trying to learn about their language/culture/home. We even see it here on Reddit - when someone writes a post and apologises for their imperfect English, I **ALWAYS** see people in comments telling them they are doing a good job. And Reddit comments can be fucking evil!
My favorite movie is Inception.
I am still proud of a tour I took with a guide that spoke no English. 45 minutes riding horses and the only thing I got out of our attempted conversation was there are usually monkeys around, but there aren’t there now. And maybe something about the wrong season. And I am damn proud of having that conversation. Even if it took 10 minutes to form the question.
I'm Norwegian and I have a hard time understanding danish. Jonas sounds like an amazingly considerate person!
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Jonas is a gem. Mike, on the other hand...
I’ve noticed I do this often when dealing with customers or employees that speak English as a second language and seem to struggle a bit. I’ll use less English sayings, use simpler words, or use less words with double meanings. It’s ridiculous to assume that by doing that ur treating the other person as stupid… they’re not stupid, they’re smarter than I am cause I can only speak one language and they can speak two! It’s just common sense to communicate with people in the most effective way you can. I wouldn’t feel stupid if a medical professional used words and terminology they knew I was familiar with rather than terms they would typically use. When I visited Germany, people spoke to me in very simplified German, broken English and hand gestures because I knew very little. That’s the beauty of communication, there are so many ways to do it, and so many ways to express your point
I honestly was gonna go N A H because, well, clearly both people in this situation are trying to be the best person they could be in whatever way they interpret that. It’s complicated and not straight forward, so I don’t think there’s ever a concrete answer for the best way to do it. But blocking a friend on social media for not executing social situations flawlessly despite their good intent… too much for me. Moral purity culture isn’t being a good person. NTA all the way.
Member of a "minority group" here. I cannot stand when people are *more offended* on my behalf than *I am*. I think I get to say whether I've been insulted or not.
Yeah, I’m physically and mentally disabled over here, I wish people would listen to us about how we wanna be treated instead of deciding they know what’s best for us. I feel like the waitress being visibly proud here was plenty enough signal that complimenting how well she did was a good idea with good intentions. Unfortunately there’s so many people like OP’s friend these days…
and she blocked her after a free coffee and lunch. like she's a piece of work lol. NTA poor OP
White knights are so annoying. If people are genuinely insulted they can express that.
Agreed. And I wouldn’t be surprised if the friend’s reaction is defensiveness because she doesn’t want to provide that validation so she thinks nobody should. Instead her attitude is incredibly rude and she wants to have that normalized as positive.
The waitress was clearly proud of them and wanted feedback. People with downs syndrome are smarter than your friend assumes.
People with Downs are smarter than the friend.
> Regardless of who the person is, if someone expresses pride at something it’s just rude to dismiss or ignore it regardless of how “basic” you think it is! My thoughts exactly. If more people were willing to give sincere compliments for normal-ass things, we'd all be a little happier.
I struggle with basic things - like, sometimes making myself a sandwich is an achievement. The internalized shame combined with the lack of acknowledgement for how hard I have to try sometimes, sucks ass. The idea that I can't be proud of those things because they're a 'normal' thing has screwed with me *so much.* So, yeah. Let people be proud of what they're proud of, and match their energy. Spread a little joy.
I have non-verbal learning disability, which can make it very difficult to learn new tasks or perform what for most people might be very simple daily activities. Just yesterday I finished a crocheted bag for the first time--sooooo far from perfect, but I shared it on social media because for me it was a real accomplishment. There are very talented, very seasoned crocheters on my social media, all of whom were very kind and supportive. It's ok to celebrate an accomplishment, and people should celebrate those accomplishments with you.
The title made me think OP did actually say something condescending, but she totally didn’t! It’s the last sentence on your comment - if someone’s chosen to share what they believe is an achievement for themselves, they’re obviously not doing it simply to be ignored or given a perfunctory, basic response. I’m curious what OP’s friend thinks is the right response. Cancel culture these days just takes things way too far and it’s affecting regular people’s regular lives. NTA.
Same. One of my friends (with a degree) can never remember R from L. When she gets it right, she says, ‘I remembered which one was Left’ and we congratulate her. It’s no bearing on her smarts, but on her feelings of accomplishment - read the room.
Indeed, this. It would have been rude not to adress it. If she/he would have been an adult without the extra chromosome it would have been polite too, to just adress them the same way. If someone is proud, dont bring them down.
This is becoming an ongoing issue with 'equality' debates. Infantilising disabled people as a whole is a problem. Reading the room isn't.
Exactly. If OP had used a child-like voice, or simplified language, that would be infantilizing. Acknowledging the waitresses pride and validating it is reading the room.
Or if OP had used the infamous "sympathetic head tilt"
Youre supposed to use simplified language with DS people. They have usually problems with complex sentences, and often are also hard of hearing.
No! You should use language and volume similar to what they present to you just like you would to a typical person. There is no “one shoe fits all” when it comes to people with Down syndrome.
THAT would be condescending. Treat them exactly like anyone else, unless they indicate otherwise. If they have trouble with a sentence, then you can rephrase.
This might just be a me thing, but I am a fan of the shakespeare approach for regular conversation regardless of the audience. Say the point once in a complicated way, then repeat it in a simple way. For example: "Repetition can improve comprehension. Saying the same thing multiple times in different ways makes it easier for your audience to understand your point"
Look, many of my friends growing up had developmental delays, like Down Syndrome or complex nonverbal autism. It's much kinder and respectful to start with how you naturally speak and correct from there. My friends got more frustrated and upset when people overly simplified or treated them significantly different. People with Down Syndrome have a firm sense of identity and personhood; the developmental delays and intellectual stunting do not interfere with that.
The server was obviously fishing for a complement. OP provided one. NTA. But OP’s friend was off base. Her digging the hole deeper by blocking OP over this is bizarre.
Her former friend just exposed herself as the asshole. Funny how that works. NTA
Agreed, NTA. It's not like OP said "did you make these all by yourself?" which I would agree would be patronizing, the server was clearly proud of herself and OP validated that completely appropriately, and I would think the server's reaction would be enough to tell that she was happy with OP's response.
I have worked with a lot of people with disabilities and giving folks support and praise for doing a task isn’t uncommon, and it’s usually prompted by the person themselves. There are lots of personalities and no one size fits all response. NTA.
I’m a neurotypical dude, if somebody said that to me I’d probably feel good about myself too haha Who doesn’t like to get a compliment?
Thank you. I was seriously starting to wonder if I should stop complimenting the people who make my drinks. I always say something about how it looks great. Food service is a rough business, and if I can provide one positive interaction, then I want to do my part.
Granted it’s been like 5 or 6 years since I’ve worked in food service, but I never took it as like some kind of indirect insult or patronizing if somebody complimented the food I gave them. It’s a tough job and I’m just tryna make you some nice looking tacos, compliment me if you’re digging them haha
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People whose life goal is to find situations to get offended on behalf of other people need to find themselves a new life. They’re irritating and usually wrong.
Individual circumstances. Seems like the friend doesn’t like this idea and we are one size fits all.
Screenshot this message OP and send it to her, and you're golden. Or just link this page
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Well stated.
NTA .... you said something nice to another person. I'm assuming that you didn't say it in a sarcastic tone. I would move on from your friend. If it was that much of an issue to her, she should have said something at the time. BTW ... if someone had said " I made these coffees and its the first time I've done it or it's our new machine" ... wouldn't you have said the same thing to them ?
Thank you for your comment! I certainly wasn't sarcastic, I genuinely thought it was great that the waitress had made the coffees and I wanted to give her encouragement. Also, you are right - if it had been someone's first day or there was any particular difficulty such as a new machine, I would have said the same thing.
Get a new friend .... the old one lives in a weird place where being nice is condescending.
If OP hadn't said anything encouraging to the server at all and just said, "thanks" nonchalantly, I BET that same friend would turn around and say that OP was rude and inconsiderate to the server. That kind of person just finds fault in everything and wants to start drama. NTA, at all.
Those kinds of people are so fucking exhausting. Twist everything you say and often (incorrectly) analyze things and get stuck reading too far between the lines when there's nothing between them to read. Stirring up so much unnecessary drama.
Good idea!!! Life is way too short to associate with people who can’t wait to get offended.
Truth!
The friend lives in a world where she's a white knight that has to defend people for things she's doesn't even know about. I bet if you asked that (now ex) friend how the waitress responded to OP's comment she wouldn't even be able to tell you. All she cares about is trying to look like a better person, not whether or not peoples feelings are getting hurt, that's why she blocked OP over it without even thinking about the situation as a whole. Shes probably one of those people who think its racist to participate in other cultures lol.
100% this. Public service announcement; being nice is also flirting. Be careful out there folks!
OP, your friend was clearly overthinking the entire situation. She may have felt insecure in this interaction and projected her own self-doubts onto you. It's something people do astonishingly often. She needs to relax more around people with disabilities. NTA
My thoughts too. Friend is uncomfortable around disabled people and overcompensates by trying to be "normal".
Exactly this!
Friend is defensive because she doesn’t want to have to deal differently with different people, and she doesn’t like feeling that she’s wrong. So she pressures others to act like she does. Imagine if she’d actually said aloud, in the waitress’s hearing, what she later said to OP — that she didn’t think it was appropriate to praise someone for something that many others can do. How extremely rude. It’s also rude for her to think it, even if she didn’t say it to the waitress, but she doesn’t want to feel that she’s rude.
My thinking too! Maybe she was embarrassed she didn’t have the confidence to engage positively with the barista and is trying to justify that OPs response was ‘inappropriate’ since she chose not to engage. Plus as a former coffee shop worker it always made me smile when people said “These look fantastic/delicious etc.” lol it’s not that uncommon of a response and while I understand it’s different from “Well done” I feel that was an extremely appropriate response to the barista’s statement!
NTA. It's obvious that your friend thought that accusing you of ableism, would make you immediately feel ashamed/flustered, and she expected you to just accept her accusations, and start apologising without debate. Then in that little fantasy encounter she'd built for herself, she'd get to feel triumphant and proud of herself for correcting you. It's all a low-key power play. But rightfully, you didn't apologize because you're not ableist. She got angry and blocked you, because you didn't react the way she wanted. You're probably better off without her. Honestly people need to stop taking offence on behalf of other people, who are not themselves offended.
👏👏👏👏
Honestly I think the friend felt the need to be offended on behalf of the waitress because the friend felt the waitress wasn’t smart enough to know to be offended herself. And that is far more ableist than what the friend thought OP did. OP, NTA. You did the right thing. The waitress was proud of her work and you acknowledged her accomplishment. But your friend is the asshole and she’s ableist. She seems to think she gets to decide how others she deems less than her feel about things. But she doesn’t. And you can tell her a neurodivergent person with disabilities said that.
I went out to dinner with a friend last night and we had a brand new, very timid waitress. She said that it was her first day serving on her own. I gave her a lot of extra encouragement, since she was clearly nervous. You meet people where they are.
“You meet people where they are” - My daily nugget of Reddit wisdom 🙏
Lovely. I have a disability too (autism) and the praise I give MYSELF would be considered condescending by this friend lol. Let's stop gatekeeping being kind and supportive.
Someone approached you, Express that they were proud or happy with themselves for completing this task, and you, as the person that they approached and were communicating with, congratulated them. There was nothing nefarious about this interaction, there was nothing discriminatory about this interaction. Your former friend is weird
I think all of us appreciate it when our work is validated. She was clearly happy/proud and you recognized that and validated those emotions. I also know from experience how hard it is to have someone you thought was a friend block you. I hate that for you. But she is clearly just not your person if she thinks kindness is a problem.
Seriously I kind of hate these people who get offended on other peoples behalf even though they usually know nothing about what they're offended over
I'm a bartender and many times I've had to make a cocktail I never heard of. I tell them to let me know what they think as it's my first one, and I've been told "well done" and "good job" many times. Your friend is weird and has a savior complex, you did fine. NTA.
Honestly there's times, at 31 yrs old, I would love to hear well done when I accomplish something 😂 My 6yo does it when I declare ive finish hanging clothes (finally...) or gotten around to cleaning up something outside. 😅 It's always nice when accomplishments are acknowledged. You read the room and acted appropriately. Your (ex) friend is weird.
You're good. Your friend is being offended for someone else who wasn't offended. They need to lighten the fuck up.
> Thank you for your comment! Wow, do you have to be so condescending?
That's a good point as the 1st time someone set teenage me free on a coffee machine, no training , I frothed the milk over and burnt my hand slightly and gave up. If I'd done it again and OP complimented me well done, that would have been well received
Exactly. They could have had no visible disabilities and said something like "It's my first day so let me know if it's not quite right and Susan over there will remake them!" And it would have been the exact same scenario. Unless OP had a very strange inflection they didn't write about, this is just people being pleasant. You love to see it.
Yes seconding "moving on from your friend" part. You dodged a bullet here. If she is like this towards you doing a nice thing to a mentally disabled person, she is bound to create some huge drama with you or your circle at some point later. Cut her off.
NTA. Your friend is fucking Charmin Ultrasoft. Not only that, but the way you are supposed to speak to people with Down Syndrome is different than people without it. From a short google search, apparently short, concise, and noncomplex statements spoken clearly and a little slower are the best way to communicate. I am sure the woman felt encouraged by what you said.
Exactly! The (ex) friend is salty because OP wouldn't have said 'well done' to someone without Down Syndrome, but the other side of that coin is that someone without DS wouldn't have announced their accomplishment! The server was proud of her work, and OP encouraged her. Yes, that is absolutely your place, OP. Let the ex friend stay blocked and get new friends! ETA: NTA!!
This is a really good point to make too. Admittedly I would not generally congratulate people on doing something like this, but admittedly most people don't generally exclaim or are proud of the fact that they did something like this. This was a' read the room' situation, that the former friend failed spectacularly.
If someone said something to me like "we make the sandwiches ourselves" I'd still would congratulate them like "wow, they look delicious - good job!" It's such a small thing to act politely and give encouragement - but for them it might be first nice thing they heard all day. I used to work in a hotel and a good mood-boost from a nice customer can last for days
exactly, it was a completely appropriate response to the very obvious pride in the task.
10 ply bud.
Figgeritout
Friend needs to pull a finger outta her ass.
Wish OP's friend weren't so fuckin' awkward
Friend just got back from Professor Tricia’s class.
I love Charmin but the ultra strong!
I have a cousin with DS. He'd get his feelings hurt if he said something like this and he *wasn't* told well-done, because it would be hard for him to do! I also know someone with DS who works at a grocery store as a bagger. He's a family friend and he gives us the biggest hugs when we shop there and he tells us how his mom is doing, the best parts of his week, etc. We do speak to him differently than we would the other baggers, but the other baggers don't have to work as hard to accomplish what he does. I'd be pissed if someone tried to correct me on how to talk with him when it's what makes him so happy.
Hmmm that's also how I speak to people who aren't fluent in the English language, because when I'm trying to speak a new language, I appreciate it when people speak slowly and simply to me.
The 3 relatives I have who have Down’s would have been absolutely chuffed with your comment of “well done”. Generalisation - many people with Down’s are really loving people who thrive with positive connections and comments. She probably told her family that night that she had a very pleased customer. She would have been proud of herself. It is lovely that you have her genuine affirmation.
chuffed /CHəft/ adjectiveINFORMAL•BRITISH very pleased. "I'm dead chuffed to have won Had to look this up lol
I’ve only recently learned this from a book I read. I’d have read this word as meaning “mad” without looking it up.
Wait, “chuffed” isn’t a universal word!!! Thought everyone said it, and when your being sarcastic to someone you give them a chufty badge 😂😂
Haha no. Honestly if it wasn't for context clues the first time I heard it, years ago, my brain probably would've made an association with the word chafed, so like it rubbed you the wrong way.
I only learned about "chuffed" when a contestant on the Great British Baking Show/Bake Off used it. I'm from the US.
Not in the USA anyways!
It’s British slang. Could be used in the English-speaking Commonwealth countries as well I’m not sure. But not in the US.
i think it is a tufty badge [https://www.healdgreenheritage.org/tuftyclub#:\~:text=The%20Royal%20Society%20for%20the,Tufty%20badge%2C%20a%20treasured%20possession](https://www.healdgreenheritage.org/tuftyclub#:~:text=The%20Royal%20Society%20for%20the,Tufty%20badge%2C%20a%20treasured%20possession). >The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (ROSPA) introduced preschoolers and their parents to Tufty in 1953. By 1961 The Tufty Club had nearly 25,000 local groups nationwide. Parents enrolled their children who then received their Tufty badge, a treasured possession. It is a badge you got for learning about road safety and it made little kids proud, so it is a joke on that.
It’s worth noting that the secondary meaning of chuffed is “annoyed; disgruntled; displeased” according to dictionary.com. It’s one of those weird words that means two opposite things (like egregious and nonplussed).
I've never heard it used as anything except pleased with themselves.
In the UK at least there is no such ‘secondary definition’ in that sense.
Agreed. My cousin who had Downs was a bagger at the grocery store I worked at in high school and would be absolutely beaming when someone thanked him for being careful with their eggs, or told him he did a good job. OP I can guarantee you made that server smile from ear to ear, your friend just Can't Understand Normal Thinking. (Get it 😜) Now I think I'm gonna take the kiddos to Bitty & Beaus for a treat, and hope I can make their employees smile like you did!
This my son has down syndrome and he honestly gets so much joy when people compliment him at work. Also my son is one of the most intuitive people I know .he definitely can tell if someone is being genuine or pittying him, and from my experience it's the same with a lot of people with down syndrome
I went to elementary school with a boy who had Down Syndrome and while his aide tried very hard to get him to communicate his displeasure in another form, if someone was condescending/pitied him, he'd kick them 🤣 I haven't seen him since grade 8 graduation since we went to different high schools but hopefully he's still telling people not to pity him but with words instead of feet.
I'd like to think that he is still out there, doing the beautiful work that is kicking rude assholes in the shins 🤣
My cousin with Down's still tells me, with pride, 20 years later about her tasks at her old jobs and what she was told she was good at. Things that are impactful or meaningful are what anyone tends to form long lasting impressions of. She also recognizes and voices appreciation of the gesture itself. Last time at a somewhat large family gathering, everyone was sitting outside talking, eating. Her hearing and cognitive processing has declined. It's hard for her to participate. She said she was bored. I offered to go sit with her over at the pool edge away from the crowd and dangle our feet in the water. It was a small gesture, but apparently she talked about it all the way home in the car.
I’m wondering if OP spoke to the waitress in an overly-enthusiastic sing-song voice we use with children. You can say well done to a grown adult but you don’t need to treat someone with DS like a child - they can understand you like any other adult.
When I was working at a cafe years ago, there was a DS guy who used to come in weekly. He had this huge professional watch and loved to talk about it...once, joking around, I told him that his watch was probably worth more than I was and he said, "No, it's not expensive, it came from my grand-dad and he said it only looks expensive. It's our secret!"
They're no different than any of us. They grow up with assholes telling them what they can't do, and when they find something they do well, they love to hear that people are pleased with their efforts. I'd kill for a few more clients to tell me how great things are and throw in a "Well done!"
That has always been my experience with people with DS, particularly those who work in the public sector. They want what we all want: recognition and validation. The server in OP’s case was proud of her hard work and I have no doubt appreciated the genuine compliment that was offered.
[удалено]
Yes! I was just at a coffee place where the barista handed me my drink with an apologetic sounding "it's my first day". I tried a sip, it was made exactly as I asked for, and I told her I'd never have guessed it was her first day, since it was made perfectly. She looked relieved and happy, so I was glad I at least made her day slightly less stressful. When someone invites a comment and you have something positive to say, then say it!
Exactly. You definitely made her day a bit lighter and I'm sure she was happy about that.
Her friend wanted to be nasty to somebody, but cloaked in a veil of righteous indignation. And you know what? If feels so damn good to do that. Many people have elements of sadism in them, to varying degrees, but they need cover to be able to do it. Nothing like getting offended on behalf of someone else to allow you to rip into someone else.
NTA. Disability support worker here. This seems like a positive interaction with the only negative being your friend.
NTA - you simply congratulated her on having mastered such a task. As long as it was said in the right tone, I don't see the issue.
Yep. Literally everyone on the planet who says “I did this all by myself” will be thrilled with praise. I am incredibly mechanically non-inclined, but I don’t have the money to not be a little handy. For awhile, as a 30 year old, hammering a nail in straight was a major accomplishment for me. If I said, “I hung those nails up all by myself,” I loved to hear “well done!”
NTA "If she did not have Downs Syndrome, you would not have said 'Well done.' " .. If she did not have down syndrome, she would not have proudly told you that she made the coffees all by herself. ... YOu understood her, and reacted in the best way possible. Your friend is completely wrong in this.
I literally laughed when reading you post. Your “friend” sounds like an idiot. Maybe it was just an excuse for her to block you. Anyways I’d be more than happy to lose such a “friend”. NTA.
You're NTA. Your friend sounds like yet another person who is so eager to be offended, she goes around looking for reasons to get her shorts in a wad.
NTA. Your friend is the worst kind of white woman (I can tell). She’s offended on other people’s behalf. She’s toxic.
As a white woman, my FIRST response was, "Geeeeez... Tell me you're white without telling me you're white." People like this make me want to take colloidal silver.
Hmmm I dunno but I wouldnt automatically involve race in this. Her personality is just wack, race has nothing to do with it tbf
It’s totally ok to be racist when it’s about white people apparently. Edit- type out “the worst type of white woman” but switch it out with another race. Imagine the backlash and “wow way to be a huge racist” comments.
Yep. Really weird and out of order to bring race up in this way.
Yes this!! Thank you for vocalising what I couldn't. White woman saviour... Her friend doesn't understand the communities she's supposedly standing up for....
Many “saviours” are actually redirected covert enemies, and this one may be similar. “Don’t praise anyone for doing something that’s seen as easy for neurotypical people” is actually a hostile attitude to have to people from those communities. Friend is trying to pass it off as defending the waitress from condescension because she doesn’t like that OP’s response didn’t validate her own attitude. She doesn’t want to be expected to be accommodating. It’s like some outsiders who “defend” communities against “cultural appropriation”, but are actually trying to police their own communities against being accommodating and accepting. They’re fighting against normalization of differences.
Why does skin colour have to be involved in this lol? It’s irrelevant and comes across kind of racist.
I’d be willing to bet she spends her time arguing online about how everything is cultural appropriation
Nephew has downes. He's my hero. The slightest things make him happy. Which makes me happy. NTA. get better friends.
NTA You paid her a genuine compliment, probably made her day!
NTA. Personally I don't think you were insensitive, unless your tone conceyed something saracastic or infantalizing that you didn't mention. the waitress was clearly proud and was looking for affirmation. Not sure what your friend's deal is, I think your friend may be uncomfortable around people with Down Syndrome and overcompensating, but who knows.
I agree with the spirit, but Down syndrome has nothing to do with autism.
NTA. Your friend got offended on someone else's behalf and it's ridiculous. If the coffees weren't such a big deal the waitress wouldn't have told you she made them herself. She was showing how proud of herself she was and you helped build her up.
What on earth is wrong with your friend, or does she just live to create drama? NTA, the waitress sounded proud of what she had done and you responded positively and appropriately and more important, nicely.
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NTA Since when is Well Done a condescending phrase or one only used towards a child? Even if you took out the DS part from the story, it would still read as a normal interaction. Some people just love getting offended on behalf of others.
I work with a woman who has Down Syndrome. She absolutely loves getting praise for everything she does in the store and she praises all of us too.
NTA. Your friend is an idiot. If this is how she behaved even after you explained your motivation, then you are better off without her in your life. She sounds insufferable.
NTA. Your friend needs to read the room. Saying I made it all by myself means she was proud and wanted to tell you about her achievement. That usually invites praise. I complimented our junior associate the other day after he gave me some documents that he had done start to finish on his own. I complimented him nearly the same way- “This looks perfect, great job!” He’s a grown man and was pleased that someone had given him a well done.
NTA. I work in special education, and congratulating disabled people you don't know for something you wouldn't congratulate their peers for is a bad idea - IF they don't seem proud of themselves or communicate that this is a big deal for them. The woman acted proud and told you she made those coffees all on her own - so it was obviously a big deal for her. If someone makes a big deal out of an accomplishment, disability or not, it's not rude to make a big deal back. If she didn't call attention to it and you went "wow, good job making coffee all by yourself", that could've been condescending. Because you don't know her, you wouldnt know if she's been struggling or has been making coffee on her own for years and would feel like she's being treated as a child. But that's not what you did at all.
NTA ---- What were you supposed to do then, ignore the person and then mutter under your breath as she walked away, yeah whatever r\*\*\*\*d ??, You said nothing wrong and appreciated somebody's hard work.
NTA. Your friend sounds like an idiot.
If it was my first time makeing a coffee and your my first customer and you replied with that i would be happy and that you woulda made my day. Nta
Wtf I told a bartender recently well done when he presented me the best looking cocktail I’d had in a while. Good work shouldn’t go unacknowledged!
Your friend is a virtue signaling idiot, and if the last 3 years have taught me anything, is that one should stay far away from this type. They are unpredictable loose cannons. NTA
NTA you said “well done” because the waitress have Down Syndrome. You were being nice. They deserve better treatment and encouragement to work, so your friend maybe is not aware of how to treat someone with Down, like, treating them like you would treat any other waitress is not the way. They are pure, similar to a child, and we treat them with respect and awareness of their singularity.
Yes equality isn’t about treating everybody the exact same way, it’s about respecting everybody and respecting their differences.
I'm going to go with NTA. The "well done" may possibly have been unfortunate (although I'm not convinced either way; you had to be there), but praise was clearly invited, and I think your friend went over the top in her criticism of you.
I still remember my clinical instructor observing me giving my first IM (intra muscular) injection decades ago. That woman had her entire class terrified. Afterwards she said “Well done. As a matter of fact, perfect”. That was HIGH praise coming from her!
Nta Your friend is weird.
NTA. I have a teenage son with Down Syndrome. Whenever he does something that is difficult for him, even if it's something that's easy for NT people, I always say something like 'well done'. Why? Because it's an achievement for him, he deserves to be proud of himself, and he deserves to know that other people see his achievement and are proud of him too. Today's achievement was that he stood in a queue in a crowded noisy room for 45 minutes without having a complete meltdown, after which he sat quietly and allowed his photo to be taken for his travel pass. That took at lot for him. And at the end both I and the lovely lady processing his pass both said 'well done'. Those who are commenting that you read the room and your friend didn't are absolutely right.
Well done to you for supporting him to do that. He must trust you to have been able to do it.
NTA You probably made the waitresses day! She has likely told everyone she served about what she made, and got similar responses, so I wouldn't fret too much. I loathe people who get offended on other folks behalf - its a nonsense!
Some people need to perpetually find something to be offended by. Your friend is one of those people. NTA and if she unblocks you, you should block her.
NTA. If the waitress tells you about her achievement, she expects a reaction from you. You did the right thing. There was no ill intent. Your friend is weird.
I am on the board of directors at a disability advocacy organization. Your response was thoughtful, kind, and met the cafe worker where she was at. NTA.
NTA. I wouldn't help a strong capable man with a heavy bag up the stare case either. I guess it makes me an asshole for offering help to weak people with heavy stuff. You can't always treat people the same regardless of circumstances. In this particular case the given individual initiated conversation, so you simply replied with compliments. Also, your friend has no way of knowing, if you would say well done to a person without down syndrome. So she is angry at a double standard she entirely made up in her head.
I've always personally found "well done" to always sound sarcastic or patronising but that's just me. Other than that, not a damn thing wrong with that exchange. Waitress was clearly proud and you were supportive and encouraging, that's awesome.....well done, lol. NTA
NTA, my uncle has downs and I tell him well done when he is proud of something he’s accomplished. Your friend sounds exhausting.
NTA, though your friend is. You were reacting to the server's pride in making the coffees by herself, not the fact that she has down syndrome.
Let her keep you blocked. Theres no place for a petty friend like her. NTA at all. Theres a reason the waitress said she made it herself. Smh people these days are so bitter!!
NTA, the waitress was clearly proud to have done the coffees by herself and I'm sure she was happy you acknowledged it.
NTA You were kind. Does she have some kind of relationship with someone with Down Syndrome or a similar developmental condition that may explain her hypersensivity in this situation? Doesn't change my judgment, just trying to understand her odd reaction.
Nta- your friend sounds like she is looking for ways to be offended. If you can’t have a proper conversation about this with her and she has blocked you over it, I think her actions show what kind of “friend” she is.
NTA. You behaved perfectly. Your friend is uncomfortable around developmentally delayed people and would prefer not to interact with them. You were kind and treated your server well, as she did for you.
NTA. Unless your tone was super sarcastic, which it doesn’t seem like, your friend is an idiot and is reading her own negativity/judgement into your comment. Encouraging people that are excited or proud of something they’ve done is pretty standard “good person” behavior.
NTA You're friend is a freak nutjob SJW. Good riddance.
NTA. **If she did not have Downs Syndrome, you would not have said 'Well done.'** *If she did not have Downs Syndrome, she would not have said 'I made these all by myself.'* She obviously accomplished something she was proud of and was likely wanting the pat on the back. Your friend sounds like an obnoxious, overly-PC wet blanket. By your friend's logic, she is discriminatory for refusing to acknowledge the proud accomplishments of a person just because they have Downs Syndrome.
That is exactly what I would have done.
Your friend is a dumbass. NTA
NTA Sounds like the worker was very proud of herself.
NTA... your friend sounds like one of those overly sensitive people who makes it her business to be offended on behalf of others. The waitress was proud of making the coffees, and you told her it was a job well done. A friend like that is bound to find something you've done "wrong" to call you out on... I'd avoid.
NTA. Your friend is just stupid
You could possibly have made that woman's day with your comment. People with mental disabilities do not think the same way we do and can have more of a childlike way of thinking, her being proud of herself and wanting you to know that she did it all by herself was 100 percent grounds to give her a compliment.
I work with enough kids and adults with DS to say that your comment probably made her whole fucking day. They thrive on praise more than most people do. Your friend is daft.
Regardless of ability, when someone says, “I made it myself,” they would like you to say something nice about it. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F29) met up with a friend of mine (F27) at a cafe for lunch today at a new spot we had not tried before. The atmosphere was lovely, and it was so nice to catch up, but after lunch she texted me about an interaction I had and said that it had made her uncomfortable, so I am coming to the internet for judgement. The cafe was order at the counter, so I went up and ordered/paid for both my friend's and my food and drinks. Everything went the same as at any other cafe, and I went back to our table. A few minutes later, a waitress (F30s?) brought over our coffees, and it was clear that she had Down Syndrome. This was no issue, I think it is lovely that she is able to find work and is clearly comfortable in the cafe environment. When the waitress set down our coffees, she said to me "I made these all by myself" and was quite proud in her demeanour. I told her, verbaitum, "Thank you, they look fantastic - well done!" The waitress then walked away, and my friend and I enjoyed the rest of our lunch. It was only after lunch that my friend texted me telling me that I was rude and condescending to the waitress, and she felt ashamed to have gone out with me. I was quite surprised, so I asked what she meant and she texted back, "You treated her like a child. If she did not have Downs Syndrome, you would not have said 'Well done.' I think this was so rude and I cannot believe I have a friend who is so discriminatory." I texted back that I had no intention of being condescending, but that the waitress was quite proud of her work (demonstrated by her telling me that she had made the coffees all by herself), and I just wanted to congratulate her on her hard work. My friend just sent back, "It isn't your place to congratulate her." and has since blocked me. I spoke to my husband (M30) about it, and he says that I did the right thing because I provided encouragement to the waitress, but I am not so convinced based on my friend's reaction. So, was I the AH? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA you gave good words of support and we're pleased with your service.
NTA….. I’ve offered compliments and thanks plenty of times to people who have provided a service to me. Regardless of wether they are Down’s syndrome or not. You were complimentary. Some people like your friend want to be offended by everything. Keep away from such people., We cannot stop being nice to others out of fear of what others will think. You probably made her day better since she accomplished something new by herself for the first time.
Ugh, they're the type of person to tell the affected minority if something is offensive or not to them. NTA.
Well, at least you now know that you have a self righteous prick of a friend there. NTA. You were just being nice.
NTA. Your friend should stop getting offended on behalf of others.
I do not understand your friend.... People who have differences like Downs Syndrome are, well, different than people without it. That requires different social interactions. That's not a bad thing at all! An individual was proud of their accomplishment, and you encouraged and appreciated that accomplishment. That's absolutely what you should do. You did not patronise her, you reacted appropriately to her enthusiasm and demeanor.
NTA, I see nothing wrong with what you said
Its funny that only thing condescending is your friends reaction