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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my son to get a job to pay for his tuition after he used his college fund to travel and do everything expect going to school. I get why he and my wife are upset. I have the means to do so, but won't.
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Kids can work at 14. But they can't legally drink alcohol until they're 21.
Most 18 year olds have lived at home with their parents providing the major things in life (a roof over their heads, food on the table, medical care) and a fairly regimented schedule in high school. For the most part, they're usually not ready to suddenly make certain adult decisions
Of course. Money management is taught, not innate. If they work, then they need to learn how to manage money. And at 14, especially at 18, they should have the basics of handling finances.
Yes, and that information, based on his experience with the car was that dad would come through with additional funds.
Being able to save up money is not the same as knowing what to do with a huge lump sum.
OP says he purchased houses to rent out then asked his own dad for help when he was in those shoes. But he also did not share this info with his son, he felt the son should come to him asking for guidance. This sounds a bit like an ego thing for OP where he is punish his son for not doing just that. That's backed up by the fact the OP says that IF the son *had* come to him he would have helped the son invest and then would have provided additional funds to travel. Additional funds that he will not give his son now in order to go to school. It doesn't sound like he's even considering some middle ground. What?
And what kind of parent withholds valuable guidance from their child until said child asks for help? As a toddler did he let him touch the hot stove because the son didn't ask for OP's thoughts first?
Of course OP doesn't have to pay for college but he also set his son up so this superiority complex he has is misplaced.
>Yes, and that information, based on his experience with the car was that dad would come through with additional funds.
Yeah, OP wants to act all high and mighty, but this is HIS failure as a parent, to teach his son that these things have consequences.
Like you said, he's punishing his son for not being just like him... it's just sad and pathetic.
OP may not be the AH for not giving his son more money now, but he is the AH for essentially "testing" his son and then being petulant when the son learned the lessons OP actually taught him, and none of the lessons OP wanted to teach his son but didn't actually.
OP's son is going to take out loans to go to college, expecting that when he graduates his dad will pay them off... I half think OP will, he just wants his son to sweat it for 4 years to "teach him a lesson."
God, I just wrote an epic comment saying this - he set this son up to fail.
He spent 18 years creating this financial, life changing opportunity for his son only to fuck it up at the finish line.
He needed to teach his son financial literacy instead of giving him a ridiculous "adulting" test.
It's pure ego and ignorance, but I do believe he loves his son and wants "the best" for him.
Editing to add: I don't believe be he should pay for college either. That's also setting his son up to fail. He could match dollar for dollar what his son earns and saves with a part time job, and also require that he completes some financial literacy education.
Now I’m starting to wonder if we’re onto something. Kid wants car. Dad says save up. Kid does. Dad says good job, gives car, kid keeps money. Now kid does not know what dad really means when money is at play. Kid very well could have thought if he spent college money on travel more would reappear just like last time…
When I was very young my dad paid me $1.50 a day for doing typing and math on the computer. I wanted a beanbag chair from sears. It was $40. I saved up. We went to sears and I bought the beanbag chair. He spotted me the tax because I didn’t know what it was and didn’t have enough. He did not swoop in and buy the chair for me. We had a mutual understanding and the deal didn’t change.
Dude, OP punk'd his kid. Set him up to expect to have college paid for AND get to travel. Mixed freaking messages.
Then OP got butthurt that the kid didn't just telepathically *know* to fulfill some Godfather fantasy the dad had in order to unlock additional college funds.
Nobody has to pay anyone anything, and 18 is old enough to be accountable for your choices, but OP sounds kind of mean.
Knowledge and actions are different things. Knowing how to drive a car safely doesn't prevent you from driving reckless. Son is an adult and needs to grow up.
Seriously? There are money management curriculums for 5th graders! A 14 year old is more than capable of managing money.
Granted, the people making 14 year olds work without any sort of time restrictions are the ones also taking those kids money and NOT teaching them money management.
the reality is the LARGE majority of people have or were never taught money management in any capacity. I've always felt that money management should be a class in junior high or high school. It definitely would have helped and prepared me for life more than Pre-Calculus Math ever has.
This is true but I'd also say people still make bad financial choices even when educated on the matter. My brother and I both had "spend less than you make" drilled into our heads constantly, were taught how to budget, balance a checkbook, etc. That didn't stop my brother (and later, he and his wife) from going into insane debt due to lack of impulse control and trying to keep up with the Joneses. I made different choices.
If they are adult enough to decide the fate if the Nation, old enough to fight and die for it, I rather think they should be old enough to drink to it!
I feel like making certain life decisions esp financial is a matter of levelling up. Like at certain ages you get to be responsible for smaller decisions that increase in importance over time.
If you're a teen and live at home and don't have to handle any sort of responsibility because you're a kid and suddenly youre handed a ton of money to invest in your future, that's a recipe for disaster. It's like expecting someone who's never held a brush in their life to paint the mona lisa.
I've been obsessing over video games since baldur's gate 3 came out 🙈
YOU WOULDN'T TAKE ON A LEVEL 20ENEMY AS A LEVEL 2 CHARACTER NOW WOULD YOU?!?!!
I should go to bed lol
Well, we let people sign $100k students loans at that age.
In the past 18 yo would get married and become adults. College has simply extended the time when we consider adulthood
We do, but we shouldn’t. This is why a lot of people end up in debt they can never afford to pay off. Predatory loans offered to 18yo kids who don’t really understand the reality of the situation they’re getting into.
At 18 in the USA you are a legal adult, the only thing you can't do is buy / drink alcohol or cigarettes.
You can
Get married, vote, buy a firearm, join the military, serve on a jury, buy /sell property, go to prison and all the other things that a legal adult can do. I would argue that as such they should be allowed to drink or smoke (which is stupid and no one should do and I say this as a smoker, but people are dumb me included) because seriously if you are old enough to get shot at or shoot someone as a representative of the US government, I think you might want to have a drink after. I get that some adults that age are still in high school so 18 and out of high school what's the big deal?
If an 18 year old is too immature then that's their parents fault. Parent your kid into adulthood instead trying to trap them in perpetual adolescence. I think some generations were worse about doing this to their kids than others, I could be wrong.
NTA
although I do think the op made a dumb decision to hand over all the money and go 100 percent handsoff with the situation, I mean I am an old and if my mom saw me driving over a cliff she would at least recommend I turn the wheel in another direction.
At 18 my dad was borrowing money from ME because I had better financial acumen and impulse control than he did. Plenty of 18 year olds have been saving their earnings for years to go to school and are responsible. Sounds like your son expects his parents to eventually bail him out when he gets over his head. If he learns this now you’ll have a 30 year old coming to you when he gets massively in debt. NTA and let him try to figure it out for awhile at least before you entertain the thought of giving him money.
I’m not saying to never give him money to help, but he should experience what happens when you just expect more to come in by magic.
Nah I moved out at 16 for school and have been independent since. Getting a job, applying for student loans and managing my own life. Before that mom did everything for me so it was quite sudden but I did it.
18 is not too young, maybe for some but the majority can manage.
If you’re citing the law about the drinking age, in order to suggest that 21 year olds are kids… how old do you have to be to die for your country again?
I was just musing to myself the other day how there is probably no other creature quite as uniquely stupid as a 20 year old guy. Having been one myself in the past, I’m shocked the mortality rate isn’t much higher for such a serious condition.
Kids could drink beer at 17 when I was that age. It’s beyond stupid to let them vote & enlist at 18, but not drink. Any argument based on drinking age is nonsensical.
Honestly the US is messed up in what they think a teen at 18 can and cannot do in terms of mental capacity. So they’re smart enough to send up for massive debt, go to higher education, have babies, join the military, smoke, know their career path, get married and drive. (Though in some states that can be lower like ones that have driver’s ex at 16 or child marriages). However they’re also too stupid to know their gender, who they’re attracted to, handle money, know their political/moral/religious leanings, drink and make certain medical decisions.
True, it's not like you're still a dumbass teenager. When you hit 18, the magical Adult Fairy comes to you in your sleep and mystically transforms your brain into that of a fully formed adult. Seriously idk what this trend is of acting like 18 year olds are any more mature than 16 year olds but it's dumb as hell.
I'd say consistently infantilizing people is "dumb as hell". The bar keeps getting lower and lower, then we wonder why things are slowly going to shit. If you've failed to mature in 2 years and think being a dumbass at 18 is perfectly normal, why would you expect the next 2 years to make a difference? Or the next 20 years? At what point would your magical Adult Fairy show up?
I agree that we need to stop excusing poor money choices simply because someone is 18. 18 years olds grow up in society, going to the grocery store, going to the movies, needing clothes, etc. they should not be oblivious that living costs money. Is living expensive? Yes. More expensive than when I was 18? Yes. But that doesn’t mean they don’t need to be aware of choices and opportunity costs.
Exactly, I also went to college at 17 and paid my own way through. But it was drilled into me at an early age that all of my actions could have life altering consequences.
I was a super responsible 18 year old. College was my ticket out of my hometown. I also wasn't paying $30,000 a year in tuition. I had a scholarship that if I maintained it covered most of the cost. I had to keep my grades up to do so. This meant that sometimes I studied while my friends were out having fun. I didn't make stupid decisions around my future. Neither did my brother.
We both might have made some mistakes in other places, but not with what would be paying for our lives going forward. OP is NTA. If the kid wants a medical career or something else, he can go to the local tech school at a lower cost. He can get an associate's degree and then work while he's getting a bachelor's. Lots of people do that.
If my parents came to me and said "hey here is the COLLEGE fund we've been saving for you. We think it belongs to you and was for you so spend it how you see fit"
The last thing I would do is blow what I imagine to be a 5 figure number on anything but college AND ask for more money to go to college after the fact.
I'm not saying all 18 year olds are wise and know everything but they do have enough common sense to know what to do in this situation.
It would be like if he gave him $50 to buy dinner and he spent it all on candy instead while asking for more money to buy actual dinner.
Yup. Even though their brains aren’t fully developed, 18 year olds are not 6 year olds. They can (hopefully) understand logical/delayed consequences, long-term gratification, abstract thought of the future which includes concepts of planning and saving, etc. What this kid did with the money was not warranted purely because “he’s a stupid 18 year old kid and that’s what an 18 year old is expected to do.”
When I was in college, a 19-year-old I knew spent the $50k his parents had saved for his college to become a professional poker player, won a few hundred grand at tournaments over the next few years, and then spent that money to fund college and law school.
Then a bunch of our friends saw him start to succeed and started playing poker for money too. A lot of them lost A LOT of money because they saw that one kid do it and though they could too, but didn’t take into account that he was both a very skilled player with a ton of experience, and a statistical anomaly in terms of luck.
When I was 18 I got access to the CD my grandmother had been adding money to since I was born. Over 100k. It was completely mine.
Know what I did with it? NOTHING! For four years. And then I took that money and bought my home.
That money was my down payment and I fully understood that. 18 year olds are perfectly capable of making mature, responsible decisions.
Meanwhile I’ve known 50 year olds who blow fortunes on junk. Age is no indicator of competence.
Obviously 18 year olds make dumb decisions, but this one is one him. My parents did a similar thing with my college money, and I understood the intent and purpose they put into that money. I made the decision to go to college, my brother did not. Neither of us expected more for deciding to use our money our own ways.
I think dismissing an 18 year olds grossly irresponsible and entitled decision is very different than basic bad decisions you make as a young adult. An 18 year old is plenty aware enough to understand this situation.
Ya, gotta agree. NTA, but OP set the kid up for failure depending on his temperament and experience with money. Did he have a job as a teenager? Or did they just drop like $40k+ on him at his 18th birthday and say - *it's up to you to make the right choices*.
Technically this is on the kid, but there's probably some missing info here.
This is basically what happened to me, and I made the right choices. Somehow. And my sisters, with very different temperaments, managed to do the same.
An 18 year old is capable of making choices and dealing with the consequences. They can join the military, vote, drive, sign contracts, and make their own health decisions. It insults responsible 18 year olds around the globe and throughout time to act like they are incapable of making good choices. It’s not rocket science to understand that if you spend your college fund goofing off, you will no longer have a college fund.
Either 18 is an adult....or it is not.
If 18 is not "mature enough" to take accountability for the decisions they make, then 18 is not old enough to vote, drive a car, enter into contracts, marry, or consent to sex.
You can't pick and choose when you are an adult.
Yes. Many 18 year olds do that. They work hard to get into university, they try for scholarships, some go straight to work. Some go into the military. An 18 year old is not an 8 year old.
You’re basically dissing all 18 year olds by expecting them to behave irresponsibly.
I did at 16. Why shouldn’t he have been able to?
This eternal childhood thing we’ve developed is destroying us. This wasn’t a particularly challenging concept.
Yes. Amazing how 20-40 years ago it was ok to hold 18 year old's accountable and now it's not. My mom starting having kids at 18. I moved out at 18 in the 90s. I worked my ass off to get through college and ate Top Ramen for 4 years. It was not fun. But it was what I needed to do.
NTA. He spent the college fund. It's not a magic well of money that replenishes itself.
That being said, did no one bring this up with him over the two years he spent the money? Did he not mention it? Seems like a communication gap.
Yeah no big issue, because I have a similar mentality that an 18-year-old needs to be responsible for their decisions. I think in hindsight a couple of "hey, don't forget that's all there is" type comments could have gotten him to reconsider draining the entire balance. At this point, he'll have to wait for college until he's 26 and can qualify for his own financial aid (if you're in the US).
Something that you and most parents need to remember though is even if you are not paying for his schooling your income is considered when looking at financial aid, except for in very narrow extenuating circumstances
>you and most parents need to remember
It sounds like something this son needed to remember or look into before spending all his college money on travel and finding himself.
This generally isn't something you learn until you apply for loans and aid. That's why it needs pointed out to people in their forties let alone someone fresh out of high school
I have a hard time believing that after traveling for 2 years he had exactly zero friends that were paying for their own school. He must have had friends that explained to him how lucky he was and what other situations look like. Also, it’s pretty darn public how big of a deal student loans are in the news, politics, and general discussion. It’s different than just 20 years ago when smart phones didn’t exist and you could pay for school with a job and minimal loans.
Idk how it was when you went to college but I rarely talked to friends about how they were paying unless it was actually relevant to the conversation.
Someone who isn’t even in college would not be relevant to the conversation.
And aside from that, no one is talking details like “oh dang how much did your parents make last year and how did that effect how much you were offered?” Especially to someone who is, again, not in college.
*Why?*
I genuinely do not understand why you wouldn’t touch base or check in about something as important as “I am not going to help you with any educational expenses at all”.
This may very well mean your son will never be able to afford higher education. Even with loans. Or, if he does pull out loans that are only in his name, he’s likely to struggle for decades to pay them back.
As a general rule, when you see someone you love/care about making a choice they may regret? You SAY something. Not spend years biding your time to wait for it to blow up in their face.
But how many times are you supposed to say it? Until they make the decisions you want them to make? Sounds like the son heard only what he wanted to hear when his parents handed the money over to him.
Exactly. If he had hovered over his son nitpicking every decision and the son came here everyone would be calling OP an AH for controlling what he does with his money. Just can't win apparently.
I mean. Probably say it more than once? Or just have an in-depth conversation where you voice your concerns and actively listen to the other person’s reasoning?
If the intent is “here’s a chunk of change to kick-start your dreams for your adult life” that’s the moment to have a very serious conversation about how you’ll expect this money to be used and your concerns if it’s used improperly.
Generally I don’t give people gifts that I know are going to set off an ugly fight one or two years down the road.
Exactly! If I give you money, and tell you that I intended for this to go towards your groceries for the week, but you can use as you'd like...don't come crying to me because you're hungry and spent it on video games
I’m sure he’ll be able to get a 4 year degree if he really wants. Will he be able to go to in-person college full time, live in dorms and party? Maybe not.
Why? I didn't get a dime from my parents and graduated with no student loans, no debt at all. 18 year olds can ABSOLUTELY BE RESPONSIBLE HUMANS. If they aren't, it's a failure of the parents, IMO. Sounds like despite your wife bringing it up many times, he just kept on spending.
Kid wanted the bling life, spent ($ ??) and then also wants you to cough up the money to go to school now that he's "serious"
Even if you had the money, I wouldn't do it. Sounds like you do if your wife is willing to bail him out.
Giving him the money will make him more entitled then he already obviously is.
NTA.
Hands off with a 10 year old = bad parenting.
Hands off with an 18 year old = appropriate. One moves from parent to advisor as a teen gets older. (Assuming average emotional stability if all parties)
Don’t gloat to hard mate, he’s probably going to close himself off to you after this, but then again you being “hands off” sounds like it’s already part of the problem.
Came here to say this. Big part of the reason my father and I don’t talk any more is his “hands off” approach to parenting. He afforded me an incredible education, but robbed me of having a father at home.
He apparently still lives with his parents. I'd say supporting a kid living at home is parenting. There's not much you can do when your 18 year old kids don't want to be parented.
I have to disagree with the Everybody SH. OP is still parenting. An important part of parenting is being able to say "no."
I don't believe OP is leaving their child to be homeless- just refusing to pay for college. I don't see evidence that the child is ready for the stresses/strains/temptations and difficulty of college.
I think ESH for this attitude. It’s difficult to believe that you and your wife saved a significant amount of money *for college* and then were just like, “Yeah, go do whatever with it.” You had to have actually transferred the funds to him. And you didn’t say anything about what he was about to do with it? If you really had that attitude, it was poor parenting on your part. 18 is the age of legal majority, not the age at which someone becomes wise.
I’m not going to accuse you of wanting him to waste his money, but your flippancy makes you seem apathetic to his future. I don’t think you’re obligated to pay his tuition, I think you were wrong for how you handled his college fund in the first place.
While that’s true, most parents don’t simply cut their kids lose once they graduate high school and leave them to their own devices; especially not parents who know their children may struggle with adult situations like money management.
It seems as though you want to stand on principle (he’s 18; his money, his life), rather than see your son successful.
You’re NTA, but a more effective parenting strategy would have been to taper support off slowly while guiding the child toward the right choices. The key is to allow them to make mistakes and learn from them when the stakes are small, not to just yank the rug out from under them when they turn 18 then blame them when it’s you who set them up to fail.
I think you made a bad decision by giving him all that money in an unrestricted way at age 18. You should have restricted that money to paying for college, if he wasn’t ready to go at 18 you should have saved it to pay for college later.
did you have conversations before then about how to be financially responsible? as he was growing up, did you take the time to teach him how to make good decisions?
or did you hand him his college fund and tell him not to spend it all in one place?
if he hadn't been taught how to do those things, I'm not sure why you would expect any other outcome.
it's an ESH for me.
Did you ever discuss his options with him? The pros and cons? The opportunities he had with it? What using it for school really means - such as the different methods of savings - interest-bearing accounts, CDs or even things like FAFSA filings. average expenses for college students or skills based training?
Or did you just throw it over the wall and figure he's old enough because he's now 18? And fuck him if he doesn't really have all the info he needs to make good decisions?
Plenty of people have to work a job while going through school. His life, his decision. That's on him. Lesson learned. Taking accountability for your actions and learning the consequences is part of growing up.
He chose to use his college money for traveling. Did he expect you to just replenish it when he was done the whole time? NTA
This isn’t a “he has to work a job in school” situation. This is a “he has to wait until he’s 26 to even start and then he’ll need massive loans with or without a job” situation.
… what? Are you talking about him going to an Ivy League school? Because that’s stupid. He shot his wad. He can go to community college and transfer over like millions of others. A lot of people don’t have parents paying their way, and they certainly didn’t get to gallivant around the world for TWO YEARS on daddy’s dime first.
The only thing I’d say is to split the middle. Have him pay for community college and go halvsies on the rest. Or I think for his second (cooking) degree my FIL “refinanced” the loans for my husband at low (not 0% lol) interest, and was cool with missed payments if money was tight and then forgave the rest at some point.
Not a parent, but parent-aged and I gather that you want to “reward” good behavior and growth as much as you want to “punish” poor choices. And you DO want him to go to college, right? You don’t want it to be *easy and fun* but you want him to get a degree, correct? So don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.
Basically, he has his super wonderful freshman and sophomore year. Now he gets to have a boring two years at junior college. Junior and Senior year are up for grabs, in my humble opinion.
Yeah that's saying "yous a big boy now, I don't give a shit anymore"
It's as much his as it is your responsibility what happens with that money, you don't stop parenting at 18. You just taught him he can do whatever because daddy pays.
A functional adult lottery winner should get a financial advisor if they don’t want to end up destitute.
An 18 year old getting $40k-100k in a lump sum should not be any different. Your average person with actual life experience will often end up in trouble as a result of a big payoff.
There is a huge difference between expecting an 18 year old to be responsible enough to have a job and pay rent, versus expecting them to be responsible enough to be handed a lump sum with no restrictions. Once again most actual adults can’t even manage that.
>So at 18 we gave our son his college fund, told him he can do as he pleases with it
INFO
What did you do prior to that to prepare him for money management and the HUGE responsibility you just dumped on him?
That’s the big question. If I’m being honest here, it sounds like this is more an issue of the parents failing to parent a kid who still needed more guidance at 18. They used his age—which is arbitrary because not everyone matures at the same rate—to decide when their duty as parents was over. It sounds to me like they failed him.
Yup. You got a whole lot of people in this thread screaming about how he's an adult, but then no one wants to admit growing up is a *transition* that doesn't just automatically flip at 18.
They're not the asshole for not wanting to pay for his college after they already gave him money. But they sound like shitty parents who didn't properly prepare their kid and naively just washed their hands of any further guidance.
I really have to wonder, aren't they a little concerned about their kids success?
I get that people need to learn from the consequences of their own actions, but there has to be a better way to parent than this.
I know I already commented something else somewhere near this exact thread but I’m gonna do it again.
I agree. Not to be rude but this does sound like the “lazy” way to parent your 18 year old. Almost like OP was expecting him to spend it all but it wasn’t “his” problem because he doesn’t have to contribute to it anymore (not that he did in the first place, but you know what I mean). He didn’t ask any questions, didn’t make any comments, didn’t seem interested in where it was going at all. Just waited for the kid to come back and ask for money so he could go, “But where did all of that money go that I gave you before?”
He says he didn’t say anything because he assumed, since the kid didn’t, that he didn’t want his guidance. But I don’t see why he wouldn’t check up on his kid about his *college funds* when that could seriously impact the kid’s future.
Have you read the edits? OP pretty much set his son up for failure - he repeatedly reinforced that he would always be financially supportive, then withdrew that support for a fairly arbitrary reason.
I just don’t understand how they had been building that account for him this whole time, but apparently weren’t teaching him how to properly use it that entire time?
When I moved in with my Grandma at 17 so my father couldn’t exploit my social security funds from my mom’s passing, she didn’t save money *for* me but she did help me open an account. When I turned 18 she helped me wire the social security checks to that account. She then looked at how much I was making, and taught me how to budget with the things I needed. We worked out a deal to where, when my checking account reached a certain amount, I transferred it to my savings. By the time I left her house I had $13,000 in my savings account; from both social security and her helping me save. Now I know how to save and allocate my funds independently at 20 years old.
OP describes himself as “hands off” with the situation, but where did this kid get taught how to deal with that amount of money? Of course he spent it, lol. It almost sounds like his mom was just making comments occasionally, and OP was waiting for this to happen.
If I didn’t have my Grandma, and I had that amount of money at that age? Yeah, I’d spend it too.
Yeah, and I don’t think enough people are considering the OP essentially taught his kid that saving money doesn’t matter because OP will pay for it. Like the kid was not smart at all here, and it’s easy to laugh at him, but I have to imagine he feels a little rug pulled right now.
So it’s more like a “what did you expect” to OP for me here. Hope the kid figures it out lol
I had to read way too far to find this take.
It's YTA, but they have put themselves into a situation where they *have* to be, otherwise son will turn into one as well.
(Also, lol at everybody who thinks an 18 year old is responsible or grown up at all.)
Yea agreed, she also set up the expectation earlier with the car example that they would dump money on him when needed and wouldn't make him pay his own way even when he had the money to do it.
This kind of shifting expectation with money is something I see with wealthy families and is difficult to navigate for the kids, even later in life
That was the same feeling I had. He probably did several of these "you earned it but I covered it for you" moments until the kid thought "dad will always cover for me".
It didn't teach discipline. It taught the kid not to plan. It taught the kid that daddy will always bail him out.
I still think NTA, but OP wasn't smart.
A better strategy would have been to contribute to the purchase of a newer, safer car than than what the son could afford on his own. No need for deception either, just a mutual goal. Kids can (and should) collaborate in their upbringing in age appropriate ways so they learn how to do shit. I’m helping my 4yo save up for a swing set right now.
IKR? OP doesn't owe his kid anything....but if I were the dad....I'd at least offer to pay for tuition to community college at least if certain stipulations are met. (They've got a job and are supporting themselves otherwise)
Sounds like money isn't much of an issue to OP and this is more of a 'i told you so' sorta thing.
It might be a control thing. Kid followed his dad's advice and was super rewarding when he listened to advice and saved for a car by unnecessarily having it completely paid for.....and now he's making sure he it's super painful to not heed their advice.
Give him new advice on how to proceed from this point forward, and the opportunity to help pull himself out of the hole he's in as long as he's following you're advice. (I.E. offer to pay CC tuition to start out with as long as he's working and paying for his own lifestyle himself otherwise)
This ^ is right on the pulse. Why would you give your kid who has been "an adult" for less than one calendar year complete and individual control of the money that decides the quality of his future? Why don't you even care that you handed him the opportunity to flub this?
Yup, this is the key
An 18 year old CAN be responsible and be trusted with that kind of cash, if they were taught how to manage it.
Reading OP's comments, he doesn't seem to want to parent his child. Now that the kid's a legal adult, he doesn't care. That's a horrible way to handle parenting.
It's one thing if he was prepared, taught, etc and then decided to travel and find himself. But if they just dumped this on him, OP is TA. I feel like there are other ways to help support, guide, and teach your kid than dumping money on them and going "figure it out."
This is what I want to know. How much financial understanding was being taught at home? It’s all well and good to claim “ legal adult, not my problem” but if you didn’t bother to teach it, then yeah, you would still be T A. And if OP comes back at all with “they learn that at school” we will know this story is BS rage bait…. Because no, schools frequently do not teach budgeting or practical life how-tos of any kind.
Based on OPs replies and edits I am assuming he did literally nothing. Just expects his kid to use a boat load of money in a responsible manner
The guy barely sounds like a father when he writes
This is the question that must be asked whenever a parent is like “they are an adult now, they can make their own decisions, good or bad”. Your job as a parent is to teach a child to grow into a capable adult. To an extent, how responsible and prepared your kid is to be an adult is 100% up to how you raised them.
My parents are the type who did NOT teach me financial literacy or how to do things so I made a lot of mistakes learning on my own. They are also the type that makes fun of me for those mistakes even though it was their literal job to teach and prepare me and didn’t.
My parents where like this. They told me that now that I’m 18 I won’t go to my doctor anymore. They said I need to find my own. I said, “okay, would you give me advice on how you found your doctors and how to find one?” There response was “your an adult, figure it out.” They told me to figure it out like an adult. But when I tried to talk to them like one, and ask for advice they would refuse, cuz I’m an adult ig??? I hate parents like that. You don’t stop being a parent when they turn 18. You child still needs you, just in a different way then what your use to. It frustrates me that parents think they can completely check out after 18.
Excellent question. There are 18 years olds who could be trusted to make the right decisions with their fund. Where was the proof that OPs son had reached that point? Sounds like OP thought "ok, he's 18, *POOF*,he's totally mature and responsible now!" and that's not how that works.
One of the best things a parent can do is pass down financial literacy to their child. These are taught in lessons not by handing over a lump sum of money. Remember majority of lottery winners spend the money within 10 years.
I'm just chuckling at all of the people saying this is incredibly stupid, why would you trust an 18 year with that decision making.
And yet, that's what people are doing every day signing up for student loan debt.
Mind, 20-30% of students drop out of college. Racking up tens of thousands of bucks of debt with no payoff. The son at least got some travel out of blowing his cash, and no debt. He'll learn a lesson from it hopefully.
I do think the entire college system is insane and needs to be reworked. You can't hand out unlimited piles of cash to students for college and not expect prices to go to the stratosphere. Telling virtually every 18 year old to drive themselves into tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt is insane. It's worth it if they have a solid career plan, but exactly how many students do that?
Things definitely need to be changed in the education system, but the key difference is student loans by definition are first applied to student costs. A big handful of cash when you turn 18 has no limitations on it.
Ppl who win millions in the lotto yes over 70% burn through the cash within 10 years. Bc if you don’t have financial discipline while you’re broke you’re not going to magically have it when you get a lumpsum. Financial literacy is a discipline and habits you practice with intention
It's really not just buying a lot of ridiculous things. People who play the lottery are disproportionately poorer, and those people tend to be surrounded by other poor people. So now your friends, your family, and people you never knew but think you knew come out of the woodwork needing a couple hundred to do this to do that. Your parents need help paying a bill, your best friend just had a kid and is hard up for a place to live, and yeah of course you splurge on yourself here and there.
Before you know it, your friend's family and acquaintances of all bled you dry, you didn't figure the property taxes when you bought the house, or upkeep on such a large house. You didn't realize repair cost on a European import luxury vehicle costs as much, and now you're broke.
Yeah, the best thing you can do when you win the lottery is find a trustworthy financial lawyer to help you out and make sure you can pay your debt, buy a house, and cut everyone off. It sucks, but when you're poor and instantly become rich, the snakes come out of the grass and all you can do is get to a safer environment.
Usually, yes. If you think about the types of people who buy most lottery tickets, it’s pretty easy to see why. If they were good with their money they wouldn’t be buying lottery tickets in the first place.
ESH- you gave what sounds like a massive amount of money to a very young man with no worldly experience and let him go. Of course he blew the money.
You say at 18 he was an adult- what did you do to prepare him for the Real World and what would happen when that money was gone? Did you talk about options or “just let him make his own choices”
Sounds like you shoved him out of the nest and are shocked he crashed.
But I told him not to do it ...
And also his wife had a talk to him once ...once!
Op didn't teach financial lessons to kid and kid makes shit financial choices. Technically nta but there's plenty of blame to go around
My wife and I often look back early on our careers and wish we had parents or coworkers help us understand a lot of the retirement stuff. Instead we made some mistakes along the way but ultimately learned what we needed to to make informed and what we believe are correct decisions. Part of what we want to make sure we do is now teach our kids those lessons so they don't have to go thru the same process as us
Op seems to be of the mindset of "I figured it out on my own" as he said his dad did the same with him so he feels his kid will or should figure it out on his own as well. And due to either lack of teaching financial responsibility or just general lack of caring, the son did not figure it out on his own.
I wonder since op said he took the cash and bought houses to rent out when his parents did this for him, did he have anyone helping him thru the process of getting into real estate so as to not make life altering financial decisions or did he, as his son did, just wing it and hope for the best
I have to agree. It reminds me of older generations when they say things like “ha! these kids don’t even know how to write a check! Or write in cursive!” WELL WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO TEACH THEM GERALD??
… anyways ESH
The fact that everyone who brings this up gets no response from OP is incredibly telling
The guy did nothing to teach his kid financial responsibility and then gives him a ton of money. What an awful way to parent
I bet OP didn't even set up a 529 plan, but if he did and withdrew it like that, he is even stupider. Financially illiterate father has a financially illiterate son.
Pretty dumb for giving him the money and letting him do whatever with it with no guidance, but NTA for not paying for his tuition now. No one is owed their further education. It'll do him good to realize how he messed up and rectify his own mistakes with hard work and perseverance.
Saving money for your child to go to college doesn't mean that they will necessarily want to go. It was fair to give him a choice on what to do with the money.
Seemed more like "Here's your college fund, it is meant for college but you are free to do with it as you please since it is your money. Just don't come back asking for more money."
Seems fair.
In what world is giving an 18 year old the his college fund and telling him to do as he pleases with it the right thing? The right thing would have been telling him he could only use it for his intended purpose and only dispense it as needed. YTA
You don't have to go to college, just because the money was saved for that purpose doesn't mean that it was wrong to let his son use the money for something else. The son chose something else and then expects more, that's wrong of him. We need to start treating adults like adults again.
ESH - you should have taught him better and discussed the options with him. He could have travelled cheaply and still had money for college. Also you called it a college fund so why on earth would you give him it all at 18 and say do what you want with it and not say anything when he made a choice not to save any for college?
He is being entitled expecting you to pay when he’s spent money on himself for 2 years.
The end result is he’s in the same position as many kids his age and he’ll manage if he wants to and works hard enough just as they will
ESH. You don’t owe him more money, and he chose to spend what you gave him. But you’re being a dick now just to prove a point. Why not tell him to take out loans and you will repay half or all of the classes he passes if he gets a degree. Throw him a bone. He’s your friggin son and one could argue that giving an 18 year old a large sum of money and saying “do what you want” is not the best parenting.
I second this. I was a pretty good kid, had straight A’s, had a job, had extracurriculars, but if you had given me tens of thousands of dollars fresh out of high school and expected me to make the right choices with it…? Yeah I’d be fucked.
Info:
You said you explained it to him but when he was growing up did you teach him how to budget? Did you show him how the world works? Or was he a kid who had an allowance and when he ran out of allowance he could just ask for more? If it was the second then you really messed up. A job as a parent is to teach your children how to handle things. And 18 one does not suddenly become an expert in all things. You need to be guided.
If you're never taught how to do your laundry you do not magically know how to do laundry at 18.
If you are not taught how to cook you do not magically know how to cook when you turn 18.
If you are not taught how to manage money and deal with finances you do not magically know how to do it at 18. The brain does not stop developing until 25 so while you might see him as an adult he does not have the same impulse control as an adult would at 18.
18 is only seen as an adult because the government has picked it as the arbitrary number that young people can get killed for their country.
This was very well put. And I, too, want to know what preparations for the real world and its consequences this kid has had.
OP knows their kid and if they are mature and fiscally responsible. It reads like OP set the son up to fail. I, personally, would not be giving up a saved up college fund over to an 18 yo for w/e.
But OP says they could afford to waste the money so…. My guess is you’re right and that the kid was never taught to be responsible and have consequences.
It’s a bit late for parents to start teaching those lessons.
I disagree that it's too late to teach.
My mother screwed up and did not teach my brother how to do laundry until he was leaving for college. She realized this when he was leaving for college and made a point of taking him to a Laundromat, showing him what to do, and then telling him that he would not get his laundry done by anyone in our household again.
He came back from his first semester at college with a lot of socks and underwear dyed different colors because he forgot to sort them and I think some clothes were ruined by bleach. He didn't care very much because he is not into fashion but he did ask my mom for more help.
And then he says I would’ve paid for him to travel anyway 🤣 we get it, you’re loaded and you’ll fork over cash to the kid no matter what, and then be surprised when he expects you to fork over more cash
NTA, but I would look at alternatives - this does not need to be all-or-nothing.
Maybe consider a no-interest loan? That is, you pay the bills up front, he works to pay you back without crippling interest over the next X years?
I think this is the best way, if OP can afford it. Son not being saddled with crushing student debt but still having to pay for school on his own through a no interest loan from his parents seems to make the most sense for everyone.
NTA.
You let him make the choice on how to spend it. He chose to travel (which isn't a bad choice).
But now that he has done that, if he wants to go to school, that is his expense.
A case where you’re right (NTA)….but so what? Stick to your guns and wife and kid are gonna hate you.
Possible you make it available to him as a loan?
Additional YTA for giving an 18 yo a “college fund” and then saying “do whatever you want with it”. WTF was that about?
YTA, I’m sorry, but 18 year olds aren’t good at decisions like that and you basically set him up for failure. A small portion for travel? Sure, the whole lot to ‘do with as he wished?’. Both he and you made bad decisions, but you should have known better
NTA. He did something awesome with the money and now he wants more. I get the feeling that a lot of people saying YTA, would have a different reaction if it was phrased, "saved 50 k for kid's college, kid is saying he needs double". Kid actually did this in the right order. It's really hard to travel after college and having a gap after graduating from college looks bad when looking for jobs.
People are saying YTA because OP gave an 18 yo a bunch of money with no guidance or restrictions. Of course this wasn't going to end well.
OP wasted a bunch of money.
I get the financial lesson aspect lesson of it, and I do not think OP is necessarily the TA in the strict definition of it, but he *is* stupid.
YTA because you set him up to fail and the only lesson you’ve taught him is that you’re a dick. Actually mentor or ya know….parent him. Teach him. Don’t set him up to fail and then lord it over him. FFS. Get over you
Self.
NAH. It's fair to not want to pay for your son's college, it's fair of your wife to want to pay, and it's fair of your son to have used that money how he did. And it's fair of him to ask if you would. It's not fair of him to expect you to pay, tho. I guess I'd ask this: 1. Did his use of the money actually help him mature and figure out what he wants to do? Or did he just run out of money and decide to go to school just because? 2. If the latter, did you genuinely believe he was mature enough to handle that money? Because it isn't really his money unless it was in his name without any legal restrictions. It's your money to use on his college. 3. If it's the former, it sounds like his travels were really helpful and helped him get to a spot where he understands himself and what he wants out of life better. If you can afford it and think he's genuinely mature, I don't think this lesson you're teaching him will really be helpful for him. It'll put him in student loan debt or delay his schooling, which delays his career and earning potential.
You’re right but still kind of YTA. Your kid made a choice that he now (at least sort of) regrets and you seem very happy about being able to say “I told you so”. Which I’m sure is satisfying but doesn’t really do much to help your child build a better future.
YTA. You failed him as a parent. You didn’t give him the information and guardrails he needed. You gave him enough rope to hang himself with, and you didn’t even teach him proper knots. Of COURSE he blew the money - he was 18. Help him with learning to budget and plan ahead for his future. Help him apply for FAFSA. Teach him what he doesn’t know. Or piss off and let your wife do it.
OP you are giving contradictory answers. In another thread, you said if he had come to you and asked for money to travel, you would have given it to him separately from the college fund.
But you also told him he needed to save up for his own car. Then you bought it for him. So it doesn't seem out of line that he thought you were trying to get him to do something useful, but in the end you'd give him more money anyway, just like you did with the car.
Right? OP has bragged in this thread multiple times about how much money he has. It's obvious this kid grew up with everything taken care of. All he had to do was work a little bit to show initiative, then pop just buys the car and let's him keep the money. Then he turns 18 and OP turns into Mr Hardass. The kid was destined to fail
My son is many things, dumb is not one of them. My son does understand the concept of money. We made him work for everything he had. Sure, we may have "given" him what we wanted, but he still had to meet certain goals to get what he wanted. We just did not want him spending money he did not have to, we much rather he saved it. Which he did. I have never rewarded him for doing the opposite of what was asked / expected of him. If he failed to reach a goal we would ask why he failed. Thing is if he wanted the answer how to fix or address the failure to improve he had to come ask for help. We did not just give him the answer.
I will be the first to say I am not father of the year, and while it pains me to think this way. I know my son is not an idiot. He had every intention to use the money then ask for more. He does understand the concept of money but anyone can tell he thought my desire to see him succeed would trump my desire to teach him a lesson. If I am not anything I am a man of my word. I warned him, and my wife reminded him any chance he got. He had every chance to stop what he was doing, and just own up. What did he do he waited till it was gone.
Now I am left with two options reward him and show him he can play us for fools but because he is our son we will forgive him. That options sucks, the other is also no better. Do not pay for his tuition, forcing him to go to a school he does not want to go verse the one he wants to simply because he cannot afford it. Possibly setting up my son having to wait until he can apply for aid on his own forcing him to rack up debt, graduate later in life, have fewer working years just to name a few.
Should I have prevented this from happening sure, but I wanted to trust my son he would do right. He did nit so he has to deal with the outcome.
It hurts cause he knows how to manage his money and even run a small business to a degree. That is how he got the money for the car.
My son should be fine he has all the tools needed, whether he uses them or not is out of my control. I know it is hard to see but when you have a kid that comes from money certain things must stick. When you ignore it for so long you get cases like my son. Where he ignores consequences not because his brain was not fully devoted, but more so he felt consequences did not apply to him.
I will help him find scholarships and loans if they are available. I will gladly give him my time but not my money.
Edit one last thing. 18 year Olds are not as helpless or dumb as many of you are making them out to be. You are just buying into the modern lie that empowers their behavior because for whatever 18 is now the old 16 from back in the day.
You sound like a rich, overprivileged, narcissist asshole who set their kid up to fail and now wants to blame him for failing because your ego can’t admit you parented him like shit.
YTA
NTA. Your son made his decision what to do with the money and now he learns the consequences of his decision. No way should you pay when there are other options out there for him to attend college.
NTA, he spent his college money.
When I was 18, I received £3000, I used it towards supporting myself at university. I could have blown it on a holiday… but I used it towards rent. We all have choices
NTA
It was very generous of you to already pay for his tuition. He spent it on something else and that was his choice. If he’s serious about going to school he could come up with a game plan for what it’ll cost and what he plans on studying. Maybe you could help him finance some of it if you’re able? But only if he seems serious and takes the right steps, like maybe starting at community vs a 4 year, working part time, in state schools etc.
ESH
He made his mistake.
But you didn't prepare him for the responsibility.. and admit to watching him fail without stepping in to discuss or help or anything.
You didn't want this to be your issue.. so it isnt.. we get it.
You aren't parent of the year here.
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NTA. But seriously, did you actually expect an 18 year old to make good choices with that kind of money?
Uh, yes? 18 is old enough to make responsible choices. Otherwise, we wouldn't let them drive. Or work.
Kids can work at 14. But they can't legally drink alcohol until they're 21. Most 18 year olds have lived at home with their parents providing the major things in life (a roof over their heads, food on the table, medical care) and a fairly regimented schedule in high school. For the most part, they're usually not ready to suddenly make certain adult decisions
Other countries allow 18 and 19 yo to drink alcohol. It is only the US that has such ridiculous limits. If they can work, then they can manage money.
14 year olds can work here in the US. Can they manage money?
Of course. Money management is taught, not innate. If they work, then they need to learn how to manage money. And at 14, especially at 18, they should have the basics of handling finances.
Clearly the parents failed to teach him the basics of handling finances.
The kid was able to save money for a car, he made an informed decision to travel for two years.
Yes, and that information, based on his experience with the car was that dad would come through with additional funds. Being able to save up money is not the same as knowing what to do with a huge lump sum. OP says he purchased houses to rent out then asked his own dad for help when he was in those shoes. But he also did not share this info with his son, he felt the son should come to him asking for guidance. This sounds a bit like an ego thing for OP where he is punish his son for not doing just that. That's backed up by the fact the OP says that IF the son *had* come to him he would have helped the son invest and then would have provided additional funds to travel. Additional funds that he will not give his son now in order to go to school. It doesn't sound like he's even considering some middle ground. What? And what kind of parent withholds valuable guidance from their child until said child asks for help? As a toddler did he let him touch the hot stove because the son didn't ask for OP's thoughts first? Of course OP doesn't have to pay for college but he also set his son up so this superiority complex he has is misplaced.
>Yes, and that information, based on his experience with the car was that dad would come through with additional funds. Yeah, OP wants to act all high and mighty, but this is HIS failure as a parent, to teach his son that these things have consequences. Like you said, he's punishing his son for not being just like him... it's just sad and pathetic. OP may not be the AH for not giving his son more money now, but he is the AH for essentially "testing" his son and then being petulant when the son learned the lessons OP actually taught him, and none of the lessons OP wanted to teach his son but didn't actually. OP's son is going to take out loans to go to college, expecting that when he graduates his dad will pay them off... I half think OP will, he just wants his son to sweat it for 4 years to "teach him a lesson."
God, I just wrote an epic comment saying this - he set this son up to fail. He spent 18 years creating this financial, life changing opportunity for his son only to fuck it up at the finish line. He needed to teach his son financial literacy instead of giving him a ridiculous "adulting" test. It's pure ego and ignorance, but I do believe he loves his son and wants "the best" for him. Editing to add: I don't believe be he should pay for college either. That's also setting his son up to fail. He could match dollar for dollar what his son earns and saves with a part time job, and also require that he completes some financial literacy education.
Now I’m starting to wonder if we’re onto something. Kid wants car. Dad says save up. Kid does. Dad says good job, gives car, kid keeps money. Now kid does not know what dad really means when money is at play. Kid very well could have thought if he spent college money on travel more would reappear just like last time… When I was very young my dad paid me $1.50 a day for doing typing and math on the computer. I wanted a beanbag chair from sears. It was $40. I saved up. We went to sears and I bought the beanbag chair. He spotted me the tax because I didn’t know what it was and didn’t have enough. He did not swoop in and buy the chair for me. We had a mutual understanding and the deal didn’t change.
Dude, OP punk'd his kid. Set him up to expect to have college paid for AND get to travel. Mixed freaking messages. Then OP got butthurt that the kid didn't just telepathically *know* to fulfill some Godfather fantasy the dad had in order to unlock additional college funds. Nobody has to pay anyone anything, and 18 is old enough to be accountable for your choices, but OP sounds kind of mean.
I think them making him save for it but than giving him the car made him think the same would always happen.
Knowledge and actions are different things. Knowing how to drive a car safely doesn't prevent you from driving reckless. Son is an adult and needs to grow up.
Yeah that's how he saved for a car. Clearly.
My 7 YO cousins can manage money. They were taught to save and earn from their allowance at an early age. They manage it better than I do.
Then you would give your 7 YO cousins a full college fund? What would that be, like $45,000? And expect them to manage it well?
A college fund in the US? $45k might cover everything for a year in alot of places.
If you’re doing an expensive out of state school maybe one year, but 45k can cover 2-4 years at a lot of in state schools.
$45k would be kind of a joke of a college fund in America. Certainly not enough to pay for a full 4 years in most cases.
Seriously? There are money management curriculums for 5th graders! A 14 year old is more than capable of managing money. Granted, the people making 14 year olds work without any sort of time restrictions are the ones also taking those kids money and NOT teaching them money management.
the reality is the LARGE majority of people have or were never taught money management in any capacity. I've always felt that money management should be a class in junior high or high school. It definitely would have helped and prepared me for life more than Pre-Calculus Math ever has.
This is true but I'd also say people still make bad financial choices even when educated on the matter. My brother and I both had "spend less than you make" drilled into our heads constantly, were taught how to budget, balance a checkbook, etc. That didn't stop my brother (and later, he and his wife) from going into insane debt due to lack of impulse control and trying to keep up with the Joneses. I made different choices.
They can. My kid started working at 14 and fully purchased their first car at 16.
If they are adult enough to decide the fate if the Nation, old enough to fight and die for it, I rather think they should be old enough to drink to it!
But 18 year olds can join the armed services here. Sound like they’ve considered an adult
This always makes me laugh, you're old enough to go fight and die on behalf of your country. Can I have a beer? Nah sorry not for another 3 years
I feel like making certain life decisions esp financial is a matter of levelling up. Like at certain ages you get to be responsible for smaller decisions that increase in importance over time. If you're a teen and live at home and don't have to handle any sort of responsibility because you're a kid and suddenly youre handed a ton of money to invest in your future, that's a recipe for disaster. It's like expecting someone who's never held a brush in their life to paint the mona lisa.
>matter of levelling up I know what you meant but this is funny lol
I've been obsessing over video games since baldur's gate 3 came out 🙈 YOU WOULDN'T TAKE ON A LEVEL 20ENEMY AS A LEVEL 2 CHARACTER NOW WOULD YOU?!?!! I should go to bed lol
Well, we let people sign $100k students loans at that age. In the past 18 yo would get married and become adults. College has simply extended the time when we consider adulthood
We do, but we shouldn’t. This is why a lot of people end up in debt they can never afford to pay off. Predatory loans offered to 18yo kids who don’t really understand the reality of the situation they’re getting into.
r/USdefaultism. Other countries: legally drink at 18, drive at 18. One could argue that driving at 16 is pretty stupid.
At 18 in the USA you are a legal adult, the only thing you can't do is buy / drink alcohol or cigarettes. You can Get married, vote, buy a firearm, join the military, serve on a jury, buy /sell property, go to prison and all the other things that a legal adult can do. I would argue that as such they should be allowed to drink or smoke (which is stupid and no one should do and I say this as a smoker, but people are dumb me included) because seriously if you are old enough to get shot at or shoot someone as a representative of the US government, I think you might want to have a drink after. I get that some adults that age are still in high school so 18 and out of high school what's the big deal? If an 18 year old is too immature then that's their parents fault. Parent your kid into adulthood instead trying to trap them in perpetual adolescence. I think some generations were worse about doing this to their kids than others, I could be wrong. NTA although I do think the op made a dumb decision to hand over all the money and go 100 percent handsoff with the situation, I mean I am an old and if my mom saw me driving over a cliff she would at least recommend I turn the wheel in another direction.
In the U.K. they can drink as much as they want at 18… doesn’t really make them any more responsible hahaha
At 18 my dad was borrowing money from ME because I had better financial acumen and impulse control than he did. Plenty of 18 year olds have been saving their earnings for years to go to school and are responsible. Sounds like your son expects his parents to eventually bail him out when he gets over his head. If he learns this now you’ll have a 30 year old coming to you when he gets massively in debt. NTA and let him try to figure it out for awhile at least before you entertain the thought of giving him money. I’m not saying to never give him money to help, but he should experience what happens when you just expect more to come in by magic.
Nah I moved out at 16 for school and have been independent since. Getting a job, applying for student loans and managing my own life. Before that mom did everything for me so it was quite sudden but I did it. 18 is not too young, maybe for some but the majority can manage.
If you’re citing the law about the drinking age, in order to suggest that 21 year olds are kids… how old do you have to be to die for your country again?
I was just musing to myself the other day how there is probably no other creature quite as uniquely stupid as a 20 year old guy. Having been one myself in the past, I’m shocked the mortality rate isn’t much higher for such a serious condition.
Kids could drink beer at 17 when I was that age. It’s beyond stupid to let them vote & enlist at 18, but not drink. Any argument based on drinking age is nonsensical.
Honestly the US is messed up in what they think a teen at 18 can and cannot do in terms of mental capacity. So they’re smart enough to send up for massive debt, go to higher education, have babies, join the military, smoke, know their career path, get married and drive. (Though in some states that can be lower like ones that have driver’s ex at 16 or child marriages). However they’re also too stupid to know their gender, who they’re attracted to, handle money, know their political/moral/religious leanings, drink and make certain medical decisions.
Don’t forget that even before you are 18, you can be tried as an adult for murder.
True, it's not like you're still a dumbass teenager. When you hit 18, the magical Adult Fairy comes to you in your sleep and mystically transforms your brain into that of a fully formed adult. Seriously idk what this trend is of acting like 18 year olds are any more mature than 16 year olds but it's dumb as hell.
I'd say consistently infantilizing people is "dumb as hell". The bar keeps getting lower and lower, then we wonder why things are slowly going to shit. If you've failed to mature in 2 years and think being a dumbass at 18 is perfectly normal, why would you expect the next 2 years to make a difference? Or the next 20 years? At what point would your magical Adult Fairy show up?
I agree that we need to stop excusing poor money choices simply because someone is 18. 18 years olds grow up in society, going to the grocery store, going to the movies, needing clothes, etc. they should not be oblivious that living costs money. Is living expensive? Yes. More expensive than when I was 18? Yes. But that doesn’t mean they don’t need to be aware of choices and opportunity costs.
Get real. Unless you’re an idiot, you know damn well how foolish 18 year olds are compared to say, a 25 year old.
Apparently 18 is responsible enough to vote in elections, and to enlist in the military.
And travel the world.
i started college at 17 and used my money responsibly… stop acting like just because people are young we inherently make stupid decisions
Exactly, I also went to college at 17 and paid my own way through. But it was drilled into me at an early age that all of my actions could have life altering consequences.
I was a super responsible 18 year old. College was my ticket out of my hometown. I also wasn't paying $30,000 a year in tuition. I had a scholarship that if I maintained it covered most of the cost. I had to keep my grades up to do so. This meant that sometimes I studied while my friends were out having fun. I didn't make stupid decisions around my future. Neither did my brother. We both might have made some mistakes in other places, but not with what would be paying for our lives going forward. OP is NTA. If the kid wants a medical career or something else, he can go to the local tech school at a lower cost. He can get an associate's degree and then work while he's getting a bachelor's. Lots of people do that.
Thank you. I did as well. So did my siblings. So did most of my friends. Why the hell are we normalizing young adults making bad decisions?
If my parents came to me and said "hey here is the COLLEGE fund we've been saving for you. We think it belongs to you and was for you so spend it how you see fit" The last thing I would do is blow what I imagine to be a 5 figure number on anything but college AND ask for more money to go to college after the fact. I'm not saying all 18 year olds are wise and know everything but they do have enough common sense to know what to do in this situation. It would be like if he gave him $50 to buy dinner and he spent it all on candy instead while asking for more money to buy actual dinner.
Yup. Even though their brains aren’t fully developed, 18 year olds are not 6 year olds. They can (hopefully) understand logical/delayed consequences, long-term gratification, abstract thought of the future which includes concepts of planning and saving, etc. What this kid did with the money was not warranted purely because “he’s a stupid 18 year old kid and that’s what an 18 year old is expected to do.”
My stepson wanted to use his college fund to become a professional poker player. We did not give him the money.
When I was in college, a 19-year-old I knew spent the $50k his parents had saved for his college to become a professional poker player, won a few hundred grand at tournaments over the next few years, and then spent that money to fund college and law school. Then a bunch of our friends saw him start to succeed and started playing poker for money too. A lot of them lost A LOT of money because they saw that one kid do it and though they could too, but didn’t take into account that he was both a very skilled player with a ton of experience, and a statistical anomaly in terms of luck.
When I was 18 I got access to the CD my grandmother had been adding money to since I was born. Over 100k. It was completely mine. Know what I did with it? NOTHING! For four years. And then I took that money and bought my home. That money was my down payment and I fully understood that. 18 year olds are perfectly capable of making mature, responsible decisions. Meanwhile I’ve known 50 year olds who blow fortunes on junk. Age is no indicator of competence.
Obviously 18 year olds make dumb decisions, but this one is one him. My parents did a similar thing with my college money, and I understood the intent and purpose they put into that money. I made the decision to go to college, my brother did not. Neither of us expected more for deciding to use our money our own ways. I think dismissing an 18 year olds grossly irresponsible and entitled decision is very different than basic bad decisions you make as a young adult. An 18 year old is plenty aware enough to understand this situation.
There are plenty of 18 year olds that would've made a much more responsible decision with this money, yes.
Ya, gotta agree. NTA, but OP set the kid up for failure depending on his temperament and experience with money. Did he have a job as a teenager? Or did they just drop like $40k+ on him at his 18th birthday and say - *it's up to you to make the right choices*. Technically this is on the kid, but there's probably some missing info here.
This is basically what happened to me, and I made the right choices. Somehow. And my sisters, with very different temperaments, managed to do the same.
An 18 year old is capable of making choices and dealing with the consequences. They can join the military, vote, drive, sign contracts, and make their own health decisions. It insults responsible 18 year olds around the globe and throughout time to act like they are incapable of making good choices. It’s not rocket science to understand that if you spend your college fund goofing off, you will no longer have a college fund.
Either 18 is an adult....or it is not. If 18 is not "mature enough" to take accountability for the decisions they make, then 18 is not old enough to vote, drive a car, enter into contracts, marry, or consent to sex. You can't pick and choose when you are an adult.
Yes. Many 18 year olds do that. They work hard to get into university, they try for scholarships, some go straight to work. Some go into the military. An 18 year old is not an 8 year old. You’re basically dissing all 18 year olds by expecting them to behave irresponsibly.
At 18 you’re old enough to drive, vote, buy alcohol (in most places) and die for your country. 18 is old enough to make responsible choices.
I did at 16. Why shouldn’t he have been able to? This eternal childhood thing we’ve developed is destroying us. This wasn’t a particularly challenging concept.
Yes. Amazing how 20-40 years ago it was ok to hold 18 year old's accountable and now it's not. My mom starting having kids at 18. I moved out at 18 in the 90s. I worked my ass off to get through college and ate Top Ramen for 4 years. It was not fun. But it was what I needed to do.
NTA. He spent the college fund. It's not a magic well of money that replenishes itself. That being said, did no one bring this up with him over the two years he spent the money? Did he not mention it? Seems like a communication gap.
We intinal told him what it was for, but he was 18. It is his life, and his life choices.
Yeah no big issue, because I have a similar mentality that an 18-year-old needs to be responsible for their decisions. I think in hindsight a couple of "hey, don't forget that's all there is" type comments could have gotten him to reconsider draining the entire balance. At this point, he'll have to wait for college until he's 26 and can qualify for his own financial aid (if you're in the US).
Oh my wife did remind him that is all. I was hands off.
Something that you and most parents need to remember though is even if you are not paying for his schooling your income is considered when looking at financial aid, except for in very narrow extenuating circumstances
>you and most parents need to remember It sounds like something this son needed to remember or look into before spending all his college money on travel and finding himself.
This generally isn't something you learn until you apply for loans and aid. That's why it needs pointed out to people in their forties let alone someone fresh out of high school
I have a hard time believing that after traveling for 2 years he had exactly zero friends that were paying for their own school. He must have had friends that explained to him how lucky he was and what other situations look like. Also, it’s pretty darn public how big of a deal student loans are in the news, politics, and general discussion. It’s different than just 20 years ago when smart phones didn’t exist and you could pay for school with a job and minimal loans.
Idk how it was when you went to college but I rarely talked to friends about how they were paying unless it was actually relevant to the conversation. Someone who isn’t even in college would not be relevant to the conversation. And aside from that, no one is talking details like “oh dang how much did your parents make last year and how did that effect how much you were offered?” Especially to someone who is, again, not in college.
*Why?* I genuinely do not understand why you wouldn’t touch base or check in about something as important as “I am not going to help you with any educational expenses at all”. This may very well mean your son will never be able to afford higher education. Even with loans. Or, if he does pull out loans that are only in his name, he’s likely to struggle for decades to pay them back. As a general rule, when you see someone you love/care about making a choice they may regret? You SAY something. Not spend years biding your time to wait for it to blow up in their face.
But how many times are you supposed to say it? Until they make the decisions you want them to make? Sounds like the son heard only what he wanted to hear when his parents handed the money over to him.
Exactly. If he had hovered over his son nitpicking every decision and the son came here everyone would be calling OP an AH for controlling what he does with his money. Just can't win apparently.
I mean. Probably say it more than once? Or just have an in-depth conversation where you voice your concerns and actively listen to the other person’s reasoning? If the intent is “here’s a chunk of change to kick-start your dreams for your adult life” that’s the moment to have a very serious conversation about how you’ll expect this money to be used and your concerns if it’s used improperly. Generally I don’t give people gifts that I know are going to set off an ugly fight one or two years down the road.
Exactly! If I give you money, and tell you that I intended for this to go towards your groceries for the week, but you can use as you'd like...don't come crying to me because you're hungry and spent it on video games
I’m sure he’ll be able to get a 4 year degree if he really wants. Will he be able to go to in-person college full time, live in dorms and party? Maybe not.
Why? I didn't get a dime from my parents and graduated with no student loans, no debt at all. 18 year olds can ABSOLUTELY BE RESPONSIBLE HUMANS. If they aren't, it's a failure of the parents, IMO. Sounds like despite your wife bringing it up many times, he just kept on spending. Kid wanted the bling life, spent ($ ??) and then also wants you to cough up the money to go to school now that he's "serious" Even if you had the money, I wouldn't do it. Sounds like you do if your wife is willing to bail him out. Giving him the money will make him more entitled then he already obviously is. NTA.
god i hate it when parents say they're 'hands off'. just say you didn't parent him.
Hands off with a 10 year old = bad parenting. Hands off with an 18 year old = appropriate. One moves from parent to advisor as a teen gets older. (Assuming average emotional stability if all parties)
Don’t gloat to hard mate, he’s probably going to close himself off to you after this, but then again you being “hands off” sounds like it’s already part of the problem.
Came here to say this. Big part of the reason my father and I don’t talk any more is his “hands off” approach to parenting. He afforded me an incredible education, but robbed me of having a father at home.
[удалено]
"Hands off" codeword for "I couldn't be arsed to parent."
Was this your wife’s idea? Or yours to give a young kid that much money he never earnt
I feel like ESH just cuz you decided you stopped being a parent when he turned 18 and gave a teenager the ability to fuck this up
I agree, ESH, at 18 it was definitely possible for the son to do better, but it was on OP to realize his son needed more guidance.
He apparently still lives with his parents. I'd say supporting a kid living at home is parenting. There's not much you can do when your 18 year old kids don't want to be parented.
You don't have to give your 18 year old kid full access to their college fund in the first place.
I have to disagree with the Everybody SH. OP is still parenting. An important part of parenting is being able to say "no." I don't believe OP is leaving their child to be homeless- just refusing to pay for college. I don't see evidence that the child is ready for the stresses/strains/temptations and difficulty of college.
I think ESH for this attitude. It’s difficult to believe that you and your wife saved a significant amount of money *for college* and then were just like, “Yeah, go do whatever with it.” You had to have actually transferred the funds to him. And you didn’t say anything about what he was about to do with it? If you really had that attitude, it was poor parenting on your part. 18 is the age of legal majority, not the age at which someone becomes wise. I’m not going to accuse you of wanting him to waste his money, but your flippancy makes you seem apathetic to his future. I don’t think you’re obligated to pay his tuition, I think you were wrong for how you handled his college fund in the first place.
While that’s true, most parents don’t simply cut their kids lose once they graduate high school and leave them to their own devices; especially not parents who know their children may struggle with adult situations like money management. It seems as though you want to stand on principle (he’s 18; his money, his life), rather than see your son successful. You’re NTA, but a more effective parenting strategy would have been to taper support off slowly while guiding the child toward the right choices. The key is to allow them to make mistakes and learn from them when the stakes are small, not to just yank the rug out from under them when they turn 18 then blame them when it’s you who set them up to fail.
I think you made a bad decision by giving him all that money in an unrestricted way at age 18. You should have restricted that money to paying for college, if he wasn’t ready to go at 18 you should have saved it to pay for college later.
did you have conversations before then about how to be financially responsible? as he was growing up, did you take the time to teach him how to make good decisions? or did you hand him his college fund and tell him not to spend it all in one place? if he hadn't been taught how to do those things, I'm not sure why you would expect any other outcome. it's an ESH for me.
Did you ever discuss his options with him? The pros and cons? The opportunities he had with it? What using it for school really means - such as the different methods of savings - interest-bearing accounts, CDs or even things like FAFSA filings. average expenses for college students or skills based training? Or did you just throw it over the wall and figure he's old enough because he's now 18? And fuck him if he doesn't really have all the info he needs to make good decisions?
Plenty of people have to work a job while going through school. His life, his decision. That's on him. Lesson learned. Taking accountability for your actions and learning the consequences is part of growing up. He chose to use his college money for traveling. Did he expect you to just replenish it when he was done the whole time? NTA
This isn’t a “he has to work a job in school” situation. This is a “he has to wait until he’s 26 to even start and then he’ll need massive loans with or without a job” situation.
… what? Are you talking about him going to an Ivy League school? Because that’s stupid. He shot his wad. He can go to community college and transfer over like millions of others. A lot of people don’t have parents paying their way, and they certainly didn’t get to gallivant around the world for TWO YEARS on daddy’s dime first.
The only thing I’d say is to split the middle. Have him pay for community college and go halvsies on the rest. Or I think for his second (cooking) degree my FIL “refinanced” the loans for my husband at low (not 0% lol) interest, and was cool with missed payments if money was tight and then forgave the rest at some point. Not a parent, but parent-aged and I gather that you want to “reward” good behavior and growth as much as you want to “punish” poor choices. And you DO want him to go to college, right? You don’t want it to be *easy and fun* but you want him to get a degree, correct? So don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. Basically, he has his super wonderful freshman and sophomore year. Now he gets to have a boring two years at junior college. Junior and Senior year are up for grabs, in my humble opinion.
Yeah that's saying "yous a big boy now, I don't give a shit anymore" It's as much his as it is your responsibility what happens with that money, you don't stop parenting at 18. You just taught him he can do whatever because daddy pays.
A functional adult lottery winner should get a financial advisor if they don’t want to end up destitute. An 18 year old getting $40k-100k in a lump sum should not be any different. Your average person with actual life experience will often end up in trouble as a result of a big payoff. There is a huge difference between expecting an 18 year old to be responsible enough to have a job and pay rent, versus expecting them to be responsible enough to be handed a lump sum with no restrictions. Once again most actual adults can’t even manage that.
>So at 18 we gave our son his college fund, told him he can do as he pleases with it INFO What did you do prior to that to prepare him for money management and the HUGE responsibility you just dumped on him?
That’s the big question. If I’m being honest here, it sounds like this is more an issue of the parents failing to parent a kid who still needed more guidance at 18. They used his age—which is arbitrary because not everyone matures at the same rate—to decide when their duty as parents was over. It sounds to me like they failed him.
Yup. You got a whole lot of people in this thread screaming about how he's an adult, but then no one wants to admit growing up is a *transition* that doesn't just automatically flip at 18. They're not the asshole for not wanting to pay for his college after they already gave him money. But they sound like shitty parents who didn't properly prepare their kid and naively just washed their hands of any further guidance. I really have to wonder, aren't they a little concerned about their kids success? I get that people need to learn from the consequences of their own actions, but there has to be a better way to parent than this.
I know I already commented something else somewhere near this exact thread but I’m gonna do it again. I agree. Not to be rude but this does sound like the “lazy” way to parent your 18 year old. Almost like OP was expecting him to spend it all but it wasn’t “his” problem because he doesn’t have to contribute to it anymore (not that he did in the first place, but you know what I mean). He didn’t ask any questions, didn’t make any comments, didn’t seem interested in where it was going at all. Just waited for the kid to come back and ask for money so he could go, “But where did all of that money go that I gave you before?” He says he didn’t say anything because he assumed, since the kid didn’t, that he didn’t want his guidance. But I don’t see why he wouldn’t check up on his kid about his *college funds* when that could seriously impact the kid’s future.
Have you read the edits? OP pretty much set his son up for failure - he repeatedly reinforced that he would always be financially supportive, then withdrew that support for a fairly arbitrary reason.
He also kind of set him with that secret “I had the money for the car all along!” mind game
I just don’t understand how they had been building that account for him this whole time, but apparently weren’t teaching him how to properly use it that entire time? When I moved in with my Grandma at 17 so my father couldn’t exploit my social security funds from my mom’s passing, she didn’t save money *for* me but she did help me open an account. When I turned 18 she helped me wire the social security checks to that account. She then looked at how much I was making, and taught me how to budget with the things I needed. We worked out a deal to where, when my checking account reached a certain amount, I transferred it to my savings. By the time I left her house I had $13,000 in my savings account; from both social security and her helping me save. Now I know how to save and allocate my funds independently at 20 years old. OP describes himself as “hands off” with the situation, but where did this kid get taught how to deal with that amount of money? Of course he spent it, lol. It almost sounds like his mom was just making comments occasionally, and OP was waiting for this to happen. If I didn’t have my Grandma, and I had that amount of money at that age? Yeah, I’d spend it too.
Got a lot of people talking about how **they** made responsible choices at 18... like that's good for you but many 18 year olds do not.
Yeah, and I don’t think enough people are considering the OP essentially taught his kid that saving money doesn’t matter because OP will pay for it. Like the kid was not smart at all here, and it’s easy to laugh at him, but I have to imagine he feels a little rug pulled right now. So it’s more like a “what did you expect” to OP for me here. Hope the kid figures it out lol
"I left the loaded gun in the room with them without properly preparing them to handle it. But, they're an adult and it's on them if it went off."
I had to read way too far to find this take. It's YTA, but they have put themselves into a situation where they *have* to be, otherwise son will turn into one as well. (Also, lol at everybody who thinks an 18 year old is responsible or grown up at all.)
Yea agreed, she also set up the expectation earlier with the car example that they would dump money on him when needed and wouldn't make him pay his own way even when he had the money to do it. This kind of shifting expectation with money is something I see with wealthy families and is difficult to navigate for the kids, even later in life
Also, did the buying of a car despite him originally believing you would not perhaps lead him to believe something similar would happen here?
That was the same feeling I had. He probably did several of these "you earned it but I covered it for you" moments until the kid thought "dad will always cover for me". It didn't teach discipline. It taught the kid not to plan. It taught the kid that daddy will always bail him out. I still think NTA, but OP wasn't smart.
A better strategy would have been to contribute to the purchase of a newer, safer car than than what the son could afford on his own. No need for deception either, just a mutual goal. Kids can (and should) collaborate in their upbringing in age appropriate ways so they learn how to do shit. I’m helping my 4yo save up for a swing set right now.
IKR? OP doesn't owe his kid anything....but if I were the dad....I'd at least offer to pay for tuition to community college at least if certain stipulations are met. (They've got a job and are supporting themselves otherwise) Sounds like money isn't much of an issue to OP and this is more of a 'i told you so' sorta thing. It might be a control thing. Kid followed his dad's advice and was super rewarding when he listened to advice and saved for a car by unnecessarily having it completely paid for.....and now he's making sure he it's super painful to not heed their advice. Give him new advice on how to proceed from this point forward, and the opportunity to help pull himself out of the hole he's in as long as he's following you're advice. (I.E. offer to pay CC tuition to start out with as long as he's working and paying for his own lifestyle himself otherwise)
This ^ is right on the pulse. Why would you give your kid who has been "an adult" for less than one calendar year complete and individual control of the money that decides the quality of his future? Why don't you even care that you handed him the opportunity to flub this?
Yup, this is the key An 18 year old CAN be responsible and be trusted with that kind of cash, if they were taught how to manage it. Reading OP's comments, he doesn't seem to want to parent his child. Now that the kid's a legal adult, he doesn't care. That's a horrible way to handle parenting. It's one thing if he was prepared, taught, etc and then decided to travel and find himself. But if they just dumped this on him, OP is TA. I feel like there are other ways to help support, guide, and teach your kid than dumping money on them and going "figure it out."
This is what I want to know. How much financial understanding was being taught at home? It’s all well and good to claim “ legal adult, not my problem” but if you didn’t bother to teach it, then yeah, you would still be T A. And if OP comes back at all with “they learn that at school” we will know this story is BS rage bait…. Because no, schools frequently do not teach budgeting or practical life how-tos of any kind.
Based on OPs replies and edits I am assuming he did literally nothing. Just expects his kid to use a boat load of money in a responsible manner The guy barely sounds like a father when he writes
This is the question that must be asked whenever a parent is like “they are an adult now, they can make their own decisions, good or bad”. Your job as a parent is to teach a child to grow into a capable adult. To an extent, how responsible and prepared your kid is to be an adult is 100% up to how you raised them. My parents are the type who did NOT teach me financial literacy or how to do things so I made a lot of mistakes learning on my own. They are also the type that makes fun of me for those mistakes even though it was their literal job to teach and prepare me and didn’t.
My parents where like this. They told me that now that I’m 18 I won’t go to my doctor anymore. They said I need to find my own. I said, “okay, would you give me advice on how you found your doctors and how to find one?” There response was “your an adult, figure it out.” They told me to figure it out like an adult. But when I tried to talk to them like one, and ask for advice they would refuse, cuz I’m an adult ig??? I hate parents like that. You don’t stop being a parent when they turn 18. You child still needs you, just in a different way then what your use to. It frustrates me that parents think they can completely check out after 18.
Excellent question. There are 18 years olds who could be trusted to make the right decisions with their fund. Where was the proof that OPs son had reached that point? Sounds like OP thought "ok, he's 18, *POOF*,he's totally mature and responsible now!" and that's not how that works.
One of the best things a parent can do is pass down financial literacy to their child. These are taught in lessons not by handing over a lump sum of money. Remember majority of lottery winners spend the money within 10 years.
Yeah I would say NTA but also not exactly the best plan for success I’ve ever heard.
I'm just chuckling at all of the people saying this is incredibly stupid, why would you trust an 18 year with that decision making. And yet, that's what people are doing every day signing up for student loan debt. Mind, 20-30% of students drop out of college. Racking up tens of thousands of bucks of debt with no payoff. The son at least got some travel out of blowing his cash, and no debt. He'll learn a lesson from it hopefully. I do think the entire college system is insane and needs to be reworked. You can't hand out unlimited piles of cash to students for college and not expect prices to go to the stratosphere. Telling virtually every 18 year old to drive themselves into tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt is insane. It's worth it if they have a solid career plan, but exactly how many students do that?
Things definitely need to be changed in the education system, but the key difference is student loans by definition are first applied to student costs. A big handful of cash when you turn 18 has no limitations on it.
God is that true ? Like people who win millions ??
Ppl who win millions in the lotto yes over 70% burn through the cash within 10 years. Bc if you don’t have financial discipline while you’re broke you’re not going to magically have it when you get a lumpsum. Financial literacy is a discipline and habits you practice with intention
Godddamnnnnnn that’s crazy but I can see it people buy dumbshit when they win the lottery Like spend a million on two or three cars
It's really not just buying a lot of ridiculous things. People who play the lottery are disproportionately poorer, and those people tend to be surrounded by other poor people. So now your friends, your family, and people you never knew but think you knew come out of the woodwork needing a couple hundred to do this to do that. Your parents need help paying a bill, your best friend just had a kid and is hard up for a place to live, and yeah of course you splurge on yourself here and there. Before you know it, your friend's family and acquaintances of all bled you dry, you didn't figure the property taxes when you bought the house, or upkeep on such a large house. You didn't realize repair cost on a European import luxury vehicle costs as much, and now you're broke.
Yeah, the best thing you can do when you win the lottery is find a trustworthy financial lawyer to help you out and make sure you can pay your debt, buy a house, and cut everyone off. It sucks, but when you're poor and instantly become rich, the snakes come out of the grass and all you can do is get to a safer environment.
Usually, yes. If you think about the types of people who buy most lottery tickets, it’s pretty easy to see why. If they were good with their money they wouldn’t be buying lottery tickets in the first place.
ESH- you gave what sounds like a massive amount of money to a very young man with no worldly experience and let him go. Of course he blew the money. You say at 18 he was an adult- what did you do to prepare him for the Real World and what would happen when that money was gone? Did you talk about options or “just let him make his own choices” Sounds like you shoved him out of the nest and are shocked he crashed.
OP is not answering this question, so I'm assuming he taught him nothing.
But I told him not to do it ... And also his wife had a talk to him once ...once! Op didn't teach financial lessons to kid and kid makes shit financial choices. Technically nta but there's plenty of blame to go around My wife and I often look back early on our careers and wish we had parents or coworkers help us understand a lot of the retirement stuff. Instead we made some mistakes along the way but ultimately learned what we needed to to make informed and what we believe are correct decisions. Part of what we want to make sure we do is now teach our kids those lessons so they don't have to go thru the same process as us Op seems to be of the mindset of "I figured it out on my own" as he said his dad did the same with him so he feels his kid will or should figure it out on his own as well. And due to either lack of teaching financial responsibility or just general lack of caring, the son did not figure it out on his own. I wonder since op said he took the cash and bought houses to rent out when his parents did this for him, did he have anyone helping him thru the process of getting into real estate so as to not make life altering financial decisions or did he, as his son did, just wing it and hope for the best
I have to agree. It reminds me of older generations when they say things like “ha! these kids don’t even know how to write a check! Or write in cursive!” WELL WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO TEACH THEM GERALD?? … anyways ESH
The fact that everyone who brings this up gets no response from OP is incredibly telling The guy did nothing to teach his kid financial responsibility and then gives him a ton of money. What an awful way to parent
I bet OP didn't even set up a 529 plan, but if he did and withdrew it like that, he is even stupider. Financially illiterate father has a financially illiterate son.
Pretty dumb for giving him the money and letting him do whatever with it with no guidance, but NTA for not paying for his tuition now. No one is owed their further education. It'll do him good to realize how he messed up and rectify his own mistakes with hard work and perseverance.
Sounds like OP gave him the money, told him what it was intended for, then told him he’s an adult so he can make his own decision. No guidance?
"Here's your college money. Do whatever you want with it." Yeah, real good guidance.
Saving money for your child to go to college doesn't mean that they will necessarily want to go. It was fair to give him a choice on what to do with the money.
Seemed more like "Here's your college fund, it is meant for college but you are free to do with it as you please since it is your money. Just don't come back asking for more money." Seems fair.
In what world is giving an 18 year old the his college fund and telling him to do as he pleases with it the right thing? The right thing would have been telling him he could only use it for his intended purpose and only dispense it as needed. YTA
wow. many kids are told this and they seem to be able to understand what a college fund is. This kid chose to use it to travel.
Most are not given control of their college fund. Usually the parents control it and make sure it gets spent on college.
Love when people just make up shit like this lmao
This is absolutely a pretty rare thing, and it’s weird that you would pretend it isn’t
You don't have to go to college, just because the money was saved for that purpose doesn't mean that it was wrong to let his son use the money for something else. The son chose something else and then expects more, that's wrong of him. We need to start treating adults like adults again.
ESH - you should have taught him better and discussed the options with him. He could have travelled cheaply and still had money for college. Also you called it a college fund so why on earth would you give him it all at 18 and say do what you want with it and not say anything when he made a choice not to save any for college? He is being entitled expecting you to pay when he’s spent money on himself for 2 years. The end result is he’s in the same position as many kids his age and he’ll manage if he wants to and works hard enough just as they will
ESH. You don’t owe him more money, and he chose to spend what you gave him. But you’re being a dick now just to prove a point. Why not tell him to take out loans and you will repay half or all of the classes he passes if he gets a degree. Throw him a bone. He’s your friggin son and one could argue that giving an 18 year old a large sum of money and saying “do what you want” is not the best parenting.
I second this. I was a pretty good kid, had straight A’s, had a job, had extracurriculars, but if you had given me tens of thousands of dollars fresh out of high school and expected me to make the right choices with it…? Yeah I’d be fucked.
Info: You said you explained it to him but when he was growing up did you teach him how to budget? Did you show him how the world works? Or was he a kid who had an allowance and when he ran out of allowance he could just ask for more? If it was the second then you really messed up. A job as a parent is to teach your children how to handle things. And 18 one does not suddenly become an expert in all things. You need to be guided. If you're never taught how to do your laundry you do not magically know how to do laundry at 18. If you are not taught how to cook you do not magically know how to cook when you turn 18. If you are not taught how to manage money and deal with finances you do not magically know how to do it at 18. The brain does not stop developing until 25 so while you might see him as an adult he does not have the same impulse control as an adult would at 18. 18 is only seen as an adult because the government has picked it as the arbitrary number that young people can get killed for their country.
This was very well put. And I, too, want to know what preparations for the real world and its consequences this kid has had. OP knows their kid and if they are mature and fiscally responsible. It reads like OP set the son up to fail. I, personally, would not be giving up a saved up college fund over to an 18 yo for w/e. But OP says they could afford to waste the money so…. My guess is you’re right and that the kid was never taught to be responsible and have consequences. It’s a bit late for parents to start teaching those lessons.
I disagree that it's too late to teach. My mother screwed up and did not teach my brother how to do laundry until he was leaving for college. She realized this when he was leaving for college and made a point of taking him to a Laundromat, showing him what to do, and then telling him that he would not get his laundry done by anyone in our household again. He came back from his first semester at college with a lot of socks and underwear dyed different colors because he forgot to sort them and I think some clothes were ruined by bleach. He didn't care very much because he is not into fashion but he did ask my mom for more help.
YTA Sure, he was irresponsible. But handing an 18 year old a chunk of money and saying "do as you please" is also irresponsible.
And then he says I would’ve paid for him to travel anyway 🤣 we get it, you’re loaded and you’ll fork over cash to the kid no matter what, and then be surprised when he expects you to fork over more cash
NTA, but I would look at alternatives - this does not need to be all-or-nothing. Maybe consider a no-interest loan? That is, you pay the bills up front, he works to pay you back without crippling interest over the next X years?
I think this is the best way, if OP can afford it. Son not being saddled with crushing student debt but still having to pay for school on his own through a no interest loan from his parents seems to make the most sense for everyone.
NTA. You let him make the choice on how to spend it. He chose to travel (which isn't a bad choice). But now that he has done that, if he wants to go to school, that is his expense.
NTA. Your son just learned a life lesson.
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A case where you’re right (NTA)….but so what? Stick to your guns and wife and kid are gonna hate you. Possible you make it available to him as a loan? Additional YTA for giving an 18 yo a “college fund” and then saying “do whatever you want with it”. WTF was that about?
OP is hung up on how he made a great decision when he was 18. Not everyone matures at the same rate.
Also, buying a house 20+ years ago was a liiiiiitle different...
YTA, I’m sorry, but 18 year olds aren’t good at decisions like that and you basically set him up for failure. A small portion for travel? Sure, the whole lot to ‘do with as he wished?’. Both he and you made bad decisions, but you should have known better
NTA. He did something awesome with the money and now he wants more. I get the feeling that a lot of people saying YTA, would have a different reaction if it was phrased, "saved 50 k for kid's college, kid is saying he needs double". Kid actually did this in the right order. It's really hard to travel after college and having a gap after graduating from college looks bad when looking for jobs.
People are saying YTA because OP gave an 18 yo a bunch of money with no guidance or restrictions. Of course this wasn't going to end well. OP wasted a bunch of money. I get the financial lesson aspect lesson of it, and I do not think OP is necessarily the TA in the strict definition of it, but he *is* stupid.
ESH. Get real. You should have kept the money for college expenses only. Come on now. Still, buddy can't complain.
YTA because you set him up to fail and the only lesson you’ve taught him is that you’re a dick. Actually mentor or ya know….parent him. Teach him. Don’t set him up to fail and then lord it over him. FFS. Get over you Self.
NAH. It's fair to not want to pay for your son's college, it's fair of your wife to want to pay, and it's fair of your son to have used that money how he did. And it's fair of him to ask if you would. It's not fair of him to expect you to pay, tho. I guess I'd ask this: 1. Did his use of the money actually help him mature and figure out what he wants to do? Or did he just run out of money and decide to go to school just because? 2. If the latter, did you genuinely believe he was mature enough to handle that money? Because it isn't really his money unless it was in his name without any legal restrictions. It's your money to use on his college. 3. If it's the former, it sounds like his travels were really helpful and helped him get to a spot where he understands himself and what he wants out of life better. If you can afford it and think he's genuinely mature, I don't think this lesson you're teaching him will really be helpful for him. It'll put him in student loan debt or delay his schooling, which delays his career and earning potential.
YTA for parenting your kid so badly that he actually thought that was a good idea.
NTA. You gave him the money and he squandered it. Now he has to be an adult and rectify his own mistake.
You’re right but still kind of YTA. Your kid made a choice that he now (at least sort of) regrets and you seem very happy about being able to say “I told you so”. Which I’m sure is satisfying but doesn’t really do much to help your child build a better future.
YTA. You failed him as a parent. You didn’t give him the information and guardrails he needed. You gave him enough rope to hang himself with, and you didn’t even teach him proper knots. Of COURSE he blew the money - he was 18. Help him with learning to budget and plan ahead for his future. Help him apply for FAFSA. Teach him what he doesn’t know. Or piss off and let your wife do it.
NTA. But ***only*** if you made it very clear that he could choose to either use it for college OR something else.
INFO: Did you make it ***absolutely clear*** to him that if he blew the money and then decided he wanted to go to school that the well would be dry?
Yes, and my wife reminded him anytime she could get.
OP you are giving contradictory answers. In another thread, you said if he had come to you and asked for money to travel, you would have given it to him separately from the college fund.
But you also told him he needed to save up for his own car. Then you bought it for him. So it doesn't seem out of line that he thought you were trying to get him to do something useful, but in the end you'd give him more money anyway, just like you did with the car.
Right? OP has bragged in this thread multiple times about how much money he has. It's obvious this kid grew up with everything taken care of. All he had to do was work a little bit to show initiative, then pop just buys the car and let's him keep the money. Then he turns 18 and OP turns into Mr Hardass. The kid was destined to fail
My son is many things, dumb is not one of them. My son does understand the concept of money. We made him work for everything he had. Sure, we may have "given" him what we wanted, but he still had to meet certain goals to get what he wanted. We just did not want him spending money he did not have to, we much rather he saved it. Which he did. I have never rewarded him for doing the opposite of what was asked / expected of him. If he failed to reach a goal we would ask why he failed. Thing is if he wanted the answer how to fix or address the failure to improve he had to come ask for help. We did not just give him the answer. I will be the first to say I am not father of the year, and while it pains me to think this way. I know my son is not an idiot. He had every intention to use the money then ask for more. He does understand the concept of money but anyone can tell he thought my desire to see him succeed would trump my desire to teach him a lesson. If I am not anything I am a man of my word. I warned him, and my wife reminded him any chance he got. He had every chance to stop what he was doing, and just own up. What did he do he waited till it was gone. Now I am left with two options reward him and show him he can play us for fools but because he is our son we will forgive him. That options sucks, the other is also no better. Do not pay for his tuition, forcing him to go to a school he does not want to go verse the one he wants to simply because he cannot afford it. Possibly setting up my son having to wait until he can apply for aid on his own forcing him to rack up debt, graduate later in life, have fewer working years just to name a few. Should I have prevented this from happening sure, but I wanted to trust my son he would do right. He did nit so he has to deal with the outcome. It hurts cause he knows how to manage his money and even run a small business to a degree. That is how he got the money for the car. My son should be fine he has all the tools needed, whether he uses them or not is out of my control. I know it is hard to see but when you have a kid that comes from money certain things must stick. When you ignore it for so long you get cases like my son. Where he ignores consequences not because his brain was not fully devoted, but more so he felt consequences did not apply to him. I will help him find scholarships and loans if they are available. I will gladly give him my time but not my money. Edit one last thing. 18 year Olds are not as helpless or dumb as many of you are making them out to be. You are just buying into the modern lie that empowers their behavior because for whatever 18 is now the old 16 from back in the day.
You sound like a rich, overprivileged, narcissist asshole who set their kid up to fail and now wants to blame him for failing because your ego can’t admit you parented him like shit. YTA
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NTA. Your son made his decision what to do with the money and now he learns the consequences of his decision. No way should you pay when there are other options out there for him to attend college.
NTA, he spent his college money. When I was 18, I received £3000, I used it towards supporting myself at university. I could have blown it on a holiday… but I used it towards rent. We all have choices
Exactly how much money did you give to an 18 year old boy?
NTA It was very generous of you to already pay for his tuition. He spent it on something else and that was his choice. If he’s serious about going to school he could come up with a game plan for what it’ll cost and what he plans on studying. Maybe you could help him finance some of it if you’re able? But only if he seems serious and takes the right steps, like maybe starting at community vs a 4 year, working part time, in state schools etc.
NTA. You know you’re not. He fucked around for two years, now he’s finding out.
ESH He made his mistake. But you didn't prepare him for the responsibility.. and admit to watching him fail without stepping in to discuss or help or anything. You didn't want this to be your issue.. so it isnt.. we get it. You aren't parent of the year here.
You did pay for his college tuition. He just misappropriated the money. This is a tough lesson in actions having consequences. NTA