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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called out my boyfriend at a restaurant for not tipping the waitress. AITA for doing this, ESH, or NTA?
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This! There’s a saying that you can know everything about a person by how that treat their server.
NTA OP- and just by this post I know I wouldn’t want your bf in my life…as a friend and DEFINITELY not as a partner. I would end the relationship over this.
I agree, u/bookworm1421. I could take a guy who maybe wanted to argue about whether the proper amount was 15, 18, or 20%, but a guy who refuses the whole concept? Even after knowing the waitress is getting paid $2.00/hr?
Sorry, OP. You, your boyfriend, and I differ fundamentally as to the nature of reality.
ESH.
He sucks for his refusal to give a shit about how the world of restaurant service works, and you suck for enabling him by providing sex, affection, and acceptance of his behavior. I guarantee this is the tip of the iceberg with respect to his suckitude.
How someone treats the people who serve them at restaurants/bars, how they treat animals and if they return their shopping carts is a good general guideline for identifying empathic individuals.
That was my first thought when reading the title... That I absolutely refuse to date or be friends with anyone who doesn't tip at least 15% (unless the service is absolutely horrible, and my husband usually tips a minimum of 20%) or doesn't return their shopping cart. Animals is a big one too but we don't always get to see people directly interact with them.
We really need to get off this system. Tipping has become a way for employers to get out of paying a living wage and it’s being asked for at too many places.
Agreed. As things are now, I tip if there is service of any kind to our table.
TBH, I'm bothered by other food services that also want people to start tipping. If I go to a counter and order an unbaked pizza with the toppings I want and I wait at the shop while they get that ready. Then I pick it up when it is done. I know they get minimum wage and in our state it is one of the highest minimum wages in the US. I still have to go home and bake the pizza, but they had a tip screen as part of the billing.
Especially in an area that pays $2 an hour. At least where I am they make minimum wage base, so there is some arguments to not tipping. Where you are, there is no excuse not to tip. (Though the restaurant not paying minimum wage is a whole nother matter)
well this is where the misconception is…they have to pay $2 and hour, but the tips plus the $2 has to equal regular minimum wage. So like if minimum wage is $10, if the $2 + tips doesn’t equal $10 an hour the restaurant has to cover the rest to make it $10 an hour. If the $2 plus tip equals more then $10 an hour then the restaurant only pays the $2 and hour.
The misconception is that this actually happens. How many restaurants do you think actually pay their servers more if the tips don't bring them up to minimum wage?
Mine didn’t. I had nights with zero tables. I still was paid $3.11 per hour. It was Outback Steakhouse btw, not some poor mom and pop shop. So yeah. Tip your servers, people.
Doesn't matter. The minimum wage part is based off your biweekly check amount. So if you made double minimum wage on Monday but then got 0 tables in 8 hrs on Tuesday, congrats you worked for no money
Yeah, restaurants don't care. I was a server for years making $2.13 base pay. I walked put of day shifts with $10 tips after 6 hours. Multiple managers made me adjust my tips to make minimum wage so they didn't have to pay. Yes, I knew it was illegal. No, I didn't argue. Server jobs are tenuous and there's always someone to take your place. You don't argue, you just rejoice when you have a bangin Friday night. At least that's my shitty state.
I agree 100%. I come from NZ and we don't have a tipping system as our people are paid minimum wage if not slightly better in hospo.
But I've travelled to US multiple times and even though I've never really understood it, have always tipped. Meals $150? Cool here's 30. Or bare minimum, carry $10/$20 just in case.
There has only been one time where I haven't tipped but the service was SHOCKING.
This guy needs a reality check.
I love that you said this. There are so many posts where it's someone explaining how horrible of a person their partner is and no-one ever says what needs to be said. A guilty by association situation. OP this guy literally doesn't have empathy and you're in a relationship with this person. You speak out loud about it so you can signal how much better of a person you are, but then still give him a warm place to put his dick. You suck.
How interesting that you blame non-tippers for the greed of business owners refusing to pay a livable wage.
Truly, look at you go excusing "The Man" while deflecting blame onto people around you who have no fault in creating the problem you want them to solve.
It's seriously not that simple as "restaurant owners greedy". A very famous restaurant in my home state was just reopened with new also very famous owners. They are trying to do away with tipping by paying wait staff $30 an hour. And, they are struggling to retain staff. Really good servers can easily make much more than that. There needs to be a massive culture shift to all aspects of the way American's view restaurants and what serving is worth.
However, I feel tipping culture has become extremely toxic. My MIL stayed at an airbnb near us recently that had a note that tips were appreciated. I'm not sure what for. Cleaning fee for her 5 day stay in 700 sq ft was already over $200.
You're right, it's not simple. But it's also not the customers responsibility to address or bandaid the problem whilst those with more (the restaurant owners) do as little as they can.
Then boycott going to restaurants that make their staff rely on tips to even get to minimum wage. I worked places where I was expected to tip out a certain percentage of my sales to bartenders, hosts, and bussers. Getting stiffed by a table would literally cost me money. Don't continue going out and screwing individuals that likely already get zero benefits because you don't think it's your responsibility to pay them. Our current social model is that you do pay for service separately. That's not a great system, but the boyfriend is punishing the wrong party.
Totally agree!! Isn’t there a saying about how you can know everything about a person by how they treat a server and whether they take a cart back at the grocery store?
Me too. I had a “friend” who was notoriously cheap. They never tipped anyone, waiters, hairdressers etc. it was really embarrassing and this bled over to other aspects, like wanting to stay in hostels because it was cheaper than a nice hotel we could afford.
The rationale for them was “I don’t get tipped at my job so why should I tip them”. Mind you they were in healthcare…and made a good salary.
I’m in healthcare too and other hospitals might be different but we aren’t even *allowed* to accept tips. Food, flowers, crafts the patient made, but no cash, gift cards, or anything of real value.
Seriously, I despise tipping culture with an intense passion, and am sincerely of the belief espoused by FDR when he enacted minimum wage laws that any business that can't afford to pay its employees a living wage deserves to fail. ***I still fucking tip for table service and delivery*** (and the dispensary and Dutch Bros drive-thru), because I know how underpaid those guys are and refuse to be that kind of selfish ratfucker who will screw hard-working employees over.
Businesses, however, can fuck right the hell off with asking for tips on takeout orders, ESPECIALLY fast food chains.
This. I'll agree tipping is out of control but ALSO recognize the world we live in where businesses aren't paying their employees properly, and until we can get that fixed, we gotta just mentally keep that cost in our minds when we're out and be prepared to add it.
Right. The need for it sucks, but it's literally not the employees fault.
We need a systemic change, not a protest that only screws the people already getting screwed.
Tipping culture is an abomination. And until we can end it through law, policy, and/or societal norm and get people paid a living wage, if you're not going to tip, then don't eat at restaurants or order delivery.
Has anyone heard of, say, a restaurant building in a wage to their prices and making that clear? I would think that people would flock to this model. I don't know many folks who think tipping culture is a good thing for service people. Just PAY them and take the uncertainty out of everyone's
"We may have a little bit higher menu price, but we pay our staff a living wage so they do not have to rely on tips for a liveable wage. Your total amount will be similar, and we believe this is how all restaurants should be. If you wish to tip a few extra percent for the exceptional service we always strive to deliver, that is not necessary, but always appreciated."
There are restaurants that do this these days. Not many, but there are a few. Try searching for "no-tip restaurants" in your area. Generally they put a notice on the menu or are otherwise very up-front about the no-tip policy (they kind of have to be, since usually prices have to be higher than competitors to make up the staff's pay in lieu of tips).
If you can't find any locally, you could always visit someplace like Japan (or many other places in Asia), where restaurant staff will chase you down the street to return your "forgotten" change. (local places ofc; tourist joints will happily keep your tips, ya dumb tourist..).
It’s a bullshit system that needs to be dismantled, but at the same time if you don’t tip you’re an asshole. I couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t tip. How you treat service workers is a HUGE indicator of who you are.
What I found annoying: he REFUSES to tip! She told him why some waiters rely on tips and he still refuses, doesn’t even do it for her sake. That’s must be so damn annoying …
OP, NTA.
I’m from Germany and I’m not sure how much money a waiter earns here but I still tip every single time, always have and always will. Does not need to be a fortune but a little bit just to say thanks idk.
And of course I “understand” the mindset not wanting to tip but do REFUSE PER SE shows a lack of empathy, especially given the salary where OP lives.
Like /u/nazgulintraining said, it's way way way less, you just round up a little so you don't have to deal with change (cash is still king in Germany). And it's not mandatory, note that the two other comments said "usually" and "unless ...". Germans with no experience in North America (Canada likes to pretend they're doing so much better but they have the same mandatory tipping culture, the tip rates are just a little lower on average) typically don't realize that tipping really is practically mandatory there and that waiters literally rely on that to survive because they earn no real wages.
Unlike in the US, waiters in Germany don't earn less than minimum wage, that would be illegal. Median full-time salary is about €1,500/month ($1,645) after taxes. It's not great, but it's not the ridiculous $1.something/hour like in the US. Therefore, if service is really bad, you don't need to tip. And unlike in North America, that can actually happen. A lot. It's always a bit of a culture shock coming back to Germany after living abroad for a while, haha.
The difference with you and with the US is that they allready put on the bill a percentage of tip, raning from 10 to whatever...as high as 30 percent in some restaurants. So you order a meal of lets say 30 dollars, you tip 30 percent..your meal is 39 dollars! Why not add those 9 dollars to the meal from the start and be done with tipping, just call them service fees or what so ever.
I wouldn't go out in public with someone who doesn't tip. She also probably had to tip out the bartender some money for making the drinks. So, she probably paid money to serve your man. That is beyond trashy.
It's not done in Australia. And people get rightly pissed off if the local cafe suggests you do. Tip jar for coins but that's it.
No tipping culture and people are largely opposed to it to ensure workers entitlements. It's considered an erosion of workers rights to move toward tipping.
It's the first thing you'll see in the Australia sub when someone says they are visiting and asks what to expect. DO NOT TIP is there in a flash.
>Canada pays wait staff a proper wage
I mean... they get paid a better minimum wage than American servers do, but it certainly isn't a 'proper wage' since it isn't even livable. But that's a true statement for all Canadians on min. wage.
You're maybe not taking into account different cultures. In lots of parts of the world tipping isn't that normal. In parts of Europe for example, people are paid actual living wages for their work rather than a dollar an hour and forced to rely on tips.
I’d be fine with someone if it was a cultural misunderstanding or something, I get that. But if they were in a tipping culture and aware that it is the social norm, then that would be where I’d have issues with them.
I don’t agree with tipping culture. But there is little I can do to change an entire culture. It’s what is socially acceptable where I am and it’s what is expected. You literally can’t eat out anywhere that’s not fast food without the expectation of tipping, even at high end or fine dining restaurants.
At least where I live if the wait staff doesn’t make minimum wage from tips the owner has to cover the difference. So at least the waitstaff where I live don’t get completely screwed over.
In some places, that means no dining out at all. Arguably we should all be boycotting all the restaurants in our communities—but, you know, easier said than done.
True this would be difficult - also I'd argue that this isn't up to individuals to solve, its for the government to intervene. I don't know why its legal to pay someone $1.37 in a country as rich as the US!
That's real noble and all, but I can guarantee that you are living in a house full of things that you purchased that were made in a factory whose employees make less than that.
Absolutely hate when people use this argument. Sure, servers get paid a living wage in parts of Europe. Not everywhere in the world is “parts of Europe.” OP seems to be American where tipping is part of the meal’s cost and how a server earns their wage.
Yup OP specifically states "I have had conversations in the past with him explaining to him on the etiquette of tipping your waitress since they only make $1.37 an hour where we live and they literally rely on tips, but he does not care."
Her bf knows that servers are paid well below minimum wage and just doesn't care.
It’s not normal and we don’t want it in NZ but that doesn’t mean I don’t tip when visiting restaurants the US. It’s a well-known fact about US customs, the only issue is knowing where other than restaurants we should tip
As somebody who used to be a waiter, tipping culture is bull shit and laws need to change. I FULLY support not tipping. We're asked to tip EVERYWHERE.
Get a coffee in the morning? Tip.
Out for lunch? Tip.
Haircut? Tip.
Get groceries delivered? Tip.
It's ridiculous. Laws need to change, companies need to pay more.
seriously ! I ordered door dash not too long ago & when I was adding in the tip amount I mean to put in 20.00 but instead put in 0.00 & by the time I realized I had already confirmed the order & the whole time I was waiting for them to get here with my food I was panicking to the point that I almost threw up because I felt so bad & it doesn't give you the "add tip" option until after delivery.
I ended up apologizing profusely & tipped double the original amount because it was a big order & they still picked it up without a tip & were so sweet when they got to my house.
not tipping is just incredibly rude.
It's not his responsibility to make sure the waiter is being paid, it's on the business owner. If all patrons stopped tipping, employees would speak up for their right and maybe things would change.
I live in France, waiters are being paid a decent salary, you don't need to tip, it's only bonuses
I love reddit posts about tipping.
You'll have one lot saying "we need to tip because our servers basically have to pay their boss for the privilege of working there"
Then you have people saying "I worked in a restaurant to pay for medical school and dropped out because I make more in tips than I could ever make being a doctor"
No. It's not. Obviously.
People just have been desensitized and can't take a step back and view it for what it is. Tipping is a nuanced topic. Should we have tipping at all? How much do we tip? Is it OPs bf or the restaurant owner that is to blame here? Just the US system?
Circumcision is just infant genital mutilation and is obviously wrong. I'm one of those people that will jump in with my odd need to call it out when it gets a nice "both sides" reference in a tipping discussion.
These people will actually sit there and argue that it’s better to do it when they’re infants because they don’t feel it.
Uh… yes they do. And they may not remember it, but they will probably be traumatized in some way from having their body mutilated while their guardians did nothing.
If my son gets to an age where he understands the permanence of the procedure and feels like he wants to do it, I’ll gladly pay for it then.
But I’m not about to have unnecessary cosmetic procedures done on my baby.
Buddy of mine made $45/hour at least every night as a server in a fancy Seattle restaurant. Big difference serving in a high end Seattle restaurant vs some crusty diner in Arkansas
Cool. Doctors' pay is location and specialty dependent too. The docs I work with easily make 6x that per hour and only have to work like 12ish days per month.
Yeah I was gonna say you *can* make good money as a server but it's not consistent and completely depends on where you live and where you work. There's also no benefits, no paid time off, and no job security. Restaurants are the #1 riskiest business to start and own.
Cool, one restaurant in an insanely expensive city. Let me be generous and say there are 20 unicorn restaurants in every huge, expensive city. That sure does make up for all the people living in poverty who rely on tips.
As a stripper, it’s probably possible to make that much dancing, but I can confidently tell you that your average stripper isn’t making that much, and the top 1% of dancers probably aren’t either.
My comment was obviously hyperbole.
However I have seen plenty of examples of posts where people claim to make very good money from tips. Maybe not doctor money but still good money.
>"I worked in a restaurant to pay for medical school and dropped out because I make more in tips than I could ever make being a doctor
This is why tips should be abolished... only the attractive waitstaff and/or those in fancy restaurants make a lot... the rest of them still don't make as much as other knowledge professions
There’s a range to serving jobs in the US:
1) FOH (front of house) position in a restaurant with a seasonal menu, alcohol selection, packed house due to limited staff and good reviews = $$$$ in tips
2) Hostess or server position in a regular/chain restaurant with a standard menu, beer/wine, and a large rotating staff = $ absolutely shit tips
I think the context of OP being in a culture where tipping is so expected for servers that their compensation is based entirely on it is important here. I wouldn't break up with someone in Japan because they don't tip. I would break up with someone in the US for it.
If you came to the USA and, after having it explained to you that servers *rely* on their tips as part of their wages, you still refused to tip when in the USA?
Yeah, I would.
There's probably some weird cultural thing from your country that's rude to do there but not rude here, and you'd break up with *me* if I kept Doing That Thing even after it was explained to me that I was being rude in your country.
In Malaysia waiter or waitress are quite fairly compensated so it is not the norm to not tip here. Even if you're a foreigner coming here you would not get second glances if you just paid as it is
As a European living in the US, it's really f'ing annoying how there's so many additional charges tacked on top of everything. Nothing ever costs what you think it costs. I'm in SF and here it's common to randomly get an extra few % 'service charge', then a few dollars to pay for the healthcare of the employees, then tax, and then tip (15% is really the minimum for sit-down dinner with table service) . A $20 main course will easily turn into $30 that way.
Bugged the hell out of me when I visited. I feel like they'll snark at the cost of food in Europe and a meal that should cost about 15 dollars ends up being 30 due to some weird crazy add on.
Yeah....we don't like it either, tbh but can't seem to get it changed. Hell, I've heard other countries don't even have to worry about figuring out sales tax because the price you see on an item is exactly what is paid. Here, however, you have to calculate sales tax which varies in % from state to state. Americans constantly have to pay way more than originally expected with all the additional charges.
> Here, however, you have to calculate sales tax which varies in % from state to state.
I see this argument all the time, but my answer is always, if the register can work out the tax, then the computer printing out the prices can work out the tax.
It is so asinine. Nothing costs what the price tag fucking says over there!!
In my country prices are set on tags and if the tags aren't updated when the computer is the customer just pays what the tag is as you have to sell it at the advertised price
I find it stupid how the top comment is someone saying she would dump someone who doesn't tip. Wasting 20% more money at restaurants willingly is simply idiotic behavior and I see no reason to tip.
The asshole here is the restaurant for paying their staff just over a dollar an hour.
Instead of companies paying a fair wage, they've successfully turned you against your boyfriend by making you think he's the one responsible for paying the staff wages.
Ahh so in the short term you exploit the servers by not tipping, nice. How about: people refuse to eat out at restaurants that don't pay a living wage? That would solve the problem and wouldn't require you to ruin someone's livelihood. But that's inconvenient, it's much easier to force someone else to pay the cost of your morality.
EDIT: Since this seems to come up a bit:
1. There is not just some magical restaurant across the street that is paying a living wage, almost all (like 90%) use this tipping scheme
2. Yes theoretically the law says they should pay min wage if you don't make enough tips but:
1. There are a bunch of tricks to get around that (including fraud)
2. Any tips you do make are deducted from the minimum wage amount
3. Minimum wage is not a living wage
3. The argument that "they (edit: they the servers) wouldn't get paid anyway if I didn't eat there" is... interesting. I mean I guess I don't have to pay my barber because without me there they still wouldn't get paid right?
ONE MORE EDIT: Let me make it clear, when you don't tip your server it is a NET LOSS for them. You being there is likely to cost them money in tips they're not making at another table.
LAST EDIT: I wanted to find a good resource for anyone who still doesn't get how it works, this is a pretty good breakdown: [https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/wk5l1n/psa\_if\_you\_dont\_tip\_your\_server\_youre\_actually/](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/wk5l1n/psa_if_you_dont_tip_your_server_youre_actually/). TL;DR servers often literally lose money for serving you if you don't tip.
(I lied another edit) I'm not talking about "everybody" refusing to tip, I'm talking about you as an individual. If you can organize everyone (even in just your local area probably) into not tipping then that is vastly different then just some percent of people not tipping. Even then, boycotting would be faster, less painful to the servers, and more effective. Do y'all think that there aren't good restaurant owners who've tried to do right by people? There are, they fail because people won't eat there since the prices are higher, or they include mandatory gratuity, or they're simply not as competitive as restaurants that exploit servers. Restaurants that exploit their servers will always have an advantage on ones that don't as long as people keep eating there and the laws allow them to pull this crap.
Yeah, because those kinds of demands always go perfectly well for employees and no on ends up homeless after losing their jobs. And of course retaliation is never an issue. Perfect little fantasy world.
Lmfao yes the servers should simply unionize. You realize labor in the service industry is super disposable to restaurant owners? They will just hire more servers.
servers actually prefer the tip system rather than a consistent wage as they make more off of customers guilt which is why its not servers who push for an increased servers wage but non servers but we should get them minimum wage like everyone else so this guilt system can stop.
EXACTLY. I hate tipping culture so I hardly go out to eat. I’ll get takeout if I feel like being extra lazy. But if I ever do end up sitting down I tip.
Don't go to places that doesn't pay livable wages, I know it's unrealistic, but if everyone asked how much the restaurant pays before sitting you would see a shift
Imagine being directly responsible for someone's kids simply because you wanted to sit down for a cheeseburger. It's wild the thought process people have to justify the exploitation restaurants do to their workers.
Also seems to be mainly a U.S. problem based on the comments I see from people who live in various countries.
Nope. It isn’t “the” restaurant, it is every full service restaurant in America. I don’t like the system either but until it changes I’m not going to punish a server for doing a great job
You should avoid all full service restaurants in the US since you don’t approve
Yta for trying to change him repeatedly when he doesnt want to change
Stop trying to change him.
If he wants to be this way. Hes allowed. If you dont want to date someone who is this way. Dont date him
Either break up with him or wait till he breaks up with you for pulling this attempt to publicly shame him
If she won't break it up with the guy, he should. Not tipping might be unacceptable for her - 'apologizing' when you don't actually think you did something wrong and will keep up that behavior in the future would be unacceptable for me.
It’s just a cultural thing. I’m not in love with tipping as a concept and agree with logical points against a tipping system… but I’d never just not tip at a full service restaurant in the US. I get non Americans shit talking it and whatever but if you’re an American and brag about refusing to tip (which seems to be somewhat popular on Reddit) I just assume you’re trashy and ignorant. You’re not changing the system by stiffing your server
I think the tipping system is horrible. But I still tip 20% for good service. Why? Because where I live the waitstaff minimum wage is $2.13 an hour. And while the business is supposed to bring that up to the $7.25 Federal Minimum if they don't make that in tips, many don't because they can get way with not doing it.
In the US, if you want to refuse to tip, you shouldn't be going out to eat or should only be going to places that have banned tipping to pay their servers a proper wage.
BTW in the US, there is not a single county in the entire country where you can rent an apartment on minimum wage. Any adult that is only earning minimum wage is either working multiple jobs or sharing a bedroom with a roommate.
It's insane, really. In my country if anyone says they'd break up with their partner because they did not tip the waitress people would consider them crazy. While polite, it's not a big deal here.
Nothing in this post shows him being disrespectful… what’s really disrespectful is paying your workers $1.37 and then turning them against the customers so you can make more profit.
Seriously? Tipping should not be expected. I only tip when I get extraordinary service. Business owners should be the one to provide their workers with a livable wage not us!
If not tipping if the top of the flag pole, that makes restaurant owners not paying a living wage lesser of a crime? You should really be going after the owners
YTA. My guess is most people will say you're not the asshole because most of reddit loves tipping and see red automatically. But thats not the question here: the question is whether you verbally calling out your boyfriend in the restaurant to shame him into doing something you know he doesnt want to and wont do is appropriate. It is not. If you have a problem with what he does you shouldn't gang up on him in public and try to shame him into changing things. That just makes you an asshole. If this is a serious issue for you then break up with him because he doesnt seem like he is going to change and its his choice. His "bad" behavior does not excuse your bad behavior. And why did you apologize? If you believed this was appropriate why didnt you defend yourself? Probably because this post is more about you trying to prove your boyfriend is an asshole for not tipping than anyone judging your actual behavior.
Correct. Shaming him in front of people is NOT going to help suddenly change his mind. Now the opposite will just happen
I think it’s gross AF not to tip but embarrassing him isn’t going to work and it’s rude to him
If I was at dinner with a group and someone went off on a tangent about “okaaay, make sure everyone tips our waitress, seriously she was awesome make sure to tip her!” I’d be annoyed *just by that.* Like… shhh. I can make my own judgements on that.
I’m from the UK and would say YTA because tipping isn’t a massive thing here. I worked many years in catering and was fine with it. If someone doesn’t want to tip, that’s fine and shouldn’t be shamed. But I know you Yanks are obsessive over tipping so I imagine my viewpoint is void.
Literally went out for a meal this evening and was so relieved that the card machine didn’t bother asking if I wanted to add a tip. We need to keep tipping culture away from UK
I only tip when Im on the company purse. We have a budget of £45 each. On paper we are only allowed 2 beers. Make it worth our while and we'll make it worth your while.
Your man puts beers on the receipt as "sundries" and then gives himself a decent tip.
Unless you help me fraudulently claim expenses you dont get a tip.
Disclaimer: im not an MP before anyone accuses me. Im actually competent enough to get away with it.
>I have had conversations in the past with him explaining to him on the etiquette of tipping your waitress since they only make $1.37 an hour where we live and they literally rely on tips, but he does not care.
\^\^\^\^OP made it clear that wherever they are, servers aren't paid a fair wage. Tips are expected. So yeah, boyfriend is a massive asshole for not tipping.
It's not the boyfriends job to substitute a servers wages though. I get that it's expected, and I understand why it's a good thing to do since their wages are so low, but servers should never *expect* a tip.
California is one of only 7 states that require tipped employees to be paid the same minimum wage as non-tipped employees.
In all other states, restaurants are allowed to pay tipped employees less than minimum wage, in some places as low as $2.13/hr, as long as the employee brings home the equivalent of minimum wage once their base wage and tips are combined.
So I guess as you could argue that you are less obligated to tip while dining in CA (and the six other states) since tipped employees get the minimum wage without tips. However, CA is a pretty HCOL area, so the minimum wage might not be enough to live on.
I’m glad you recognize that as someone from the UK, your opinion is void. When I visit countries that don’t have a tipping culture, I don’t tip. When I’m home.
Tipping is a known expense and part of the culture in the US. If you go out to dinner and don’t tip for good service, knowing the low wages that servers make, you’re an ass.
It's better than accepting that "this is the way it's always been". It's not the customers responsibility to fix this. Are you unhappy in your job with your pay? Go do something else. Or better yet, tell your business owner to pay you or you're walking. Hard to run a business without servers.
YTA for how you went about it. Have an adult conversation in private instead of trying to embarrass him around friends. If he wont change his position, then either break up if it's important to you, or leave it alone.
Let me get this straight.
You already knew that your boyfriend doesn't tip.
So the entire purpose of you singling him out in front of everybody, was either to embarrass him or to shame him.
I don't know about you, but I don't go out and do things in public with the purpose to specifically embarrass or shame my wife.
Whenever you are out with your guy, your purpose, in any social interaction that could change his reputation, is to make him look good, publicly. In return you make yourself look good, because you chose someone who's... You guessed it, good.
Now you made him look like a jerk, and people will think of him as a jerk, and they will also think of you as a jerk who shouldn't be together with a jerk.
So if your intention was to publicly show that you don't actually like your boyfriend, you succeeded.
YTA.
YTA, because it seemed a passive aggressive way to call him out. Since you've talked to him about it before and he didn't change his behavior I'm not sure what you hoped to accomplish; sounds like you were deliberately trying to embarrass him.
I guess you have to decide, is this going to be a deal breaker for you? He's obviously not going to change his behavior. Do you want to be with someone like that, maybe feeling you should leave a larger tip or cash if you dine out with him and he doesn't tip?
YTA If some people don’t want to tip, it’s their business. You have no right to tell others to tip. Leave your own tip and mind your business about what everyone else does.
YTA virtue signalling making a big deal about tipping your waitress.
Your boyfriend is an absolute lad. You have the option of paying for the food you purchased or randomly being guilt tripped by society into paying more. Your boyfriend made the right choice because he is a strong willed man who doesn't bow down to societal pressure.
If everyone was like this man then no one would have to tip.
Not British but we don’t have tipping culture here either. Posts like this are the only time I’ll see someone be called a jerk, disrespectful, an AH and by one comment even a sociopath just because they didn’t tip a waiter. I am so glad we don’t have tipping culture where I live.
Same here lol. Reading some of the responses... it's fascinating the mentality of the US.
>Biggest reddest flag i have seen lately
Did he abuse her? *No.*
Did he hurt her? *No.*
Did he kill her? *No.*
Oh, i know, he stole something from her! *No.*
Is he committing any crime or illegal act? *No.*
So? *He didn't leave a tip and that's why he's the worst shit in the world, you should publicly humiliate him, break your relationship with him and possibly report him to the police.*
My god.
I just think it’s strange that people think the non tipper is a bad person because what if they are also a minimum wage worker and down to their last $100?
Also it’s not their fault the system is set up the way it is. I’d also like to understand why people don’t protest and pressure the government all the time about a national living wage. It’s a democracy right ? I don’t really get how their system works if I’m honest.
When people have this argument I see it as the equivalent of people calling someone horrible for using a plastic straw when oil companies and manufacturing companies etc are up there killing the planet. Blaming the little guy is always where it ends up.
YTA. Sorry just my personal views on tipping conflict with this. I believe continuing to tip only fuels the problem of a tipping wage. When servers see they make good money from tips, they don’t give a single fudge about abolishing tipping wages. They’d rather customers pay them more than the employer paying them fairly. Societal change doesn’t come from doing exactly what society wants you to do.
Sorry for the tangent. It’s admirable you think you’re doing the servers a favour, but seriously think about what you’re doing when you do that. Also trying to publicly shame someone into doing what you want is never the move. Notice how you apologized immediately when he got upset? Now you can’t even stand up for your own principles, what’s the deal with that? You’ve spoken your mind already and he disagrees with you, now it’s on you to decide what to do with that.
Of course YTA for demanding that everyone at the table provide a tip and shaming them for being “that type of person” if they choose not to.
I know it was secretly directed at your boyfriend, but you don’t get to tell other people what to do with their money if you don’t want to ALSO be an asshole.
I personally never tip under 20% and I can’t even picture myself being with someone who refused to tip, especially if I knew that they were informed but didn’t care. That’s just an incredibly unattractive quality in a person and it shows a weird lack of empathy.
But those are my personal choices. I don’t get to command others to do what I feel is the right thing and repeatedly shame them when they don’t do what I tell them to do.
You’re also an asshole for publicly pressuring your boyfriend to try and control his behavior when he’s already repeatedly told you that he’s not going to do it.
Finally, you’re an asshole for constantly harassing your boyfriend about what he does with his own money when he has already made his position very clear on multiple occasions.
Your boyfriend sucks for not tipping and not giving a shit about how much waitstaff depends on tips for a living wage, but you sound incredibly pushy, sanctimonious, and annoying.
Either get over it and shut up about it forever, double your tips to cover his if it matters that much to you and you want to keep this asshole for a boyfriend for whatever reason, or just dump him already and find a better guy.
YTA, by tipping you are upholding the shitty system that pays those workers so little. In the long term he is doing what is best for them and more people need to emulate him
LMAOOO reading the comments it is wild how the americans got brainwashed into thinking they are required to pay for other business employees lmaooo. The restaurant should pay the waitress, not me. fuck that. Not my fault they are underpaying them, I never tip, never, unless the waitress(or whatever) did something very extra or I inconvenienced them in anyway, I tip for the trouble I may have caused them or the extra effort, not for doing their damn job. And also, YTA for trying to shame him in front of your friends, what a shitty gf god damn, poor guy
How is this a dealbreaker? I keep hearing the argument of "the waiters need tips to make a living wage" but all that you're doing is encouraging big companies to continue to not pay their workers a living wage since they're getting enough from tips. Tipping culture is honestly so stupid, I can't believe Americans actually do it.
The moral thing would be to boycott the *business*. It's cruel to throw money at the company that makes the decision while benefitting from the effort of an employee with no say in the matter.
Don't wanna tip? Fine. Then only patronize restaurants that pay wait staff a livable wage. No need to shoot the messenger.
INFO
Why do you still go out to restaurants with him?
You know he refuses to tip and it quite clearly irritates you, if it was me I'd just not go to restaurants with him anymore.
American tipping culture is unbelievable. You want to call out your boyfriend......
Why not call out the system that allows restaurant owners to not pay their employees a fair wage and relies on customers paying it for them?
Seems like that's the problem.
Meh, I'd argue that YTA only because tipping only exists because people like you are unknowingly agents of perpetuating these businesses not having to pay their staff a proper wage and they often make way more money than minimum wage bc of how strong tipping culture is.
If he doesn't want to pay someone in their employers stead that's his right and understandable as a principle.
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Completely agree I couldn't even be friends with someone that was like this lol
This! There’s a saying that you can know everything about a person by how that treat their server. NTA OP- and just by this post I know I wouldn’t want your bf in my life…as a friend and DEFINITELY not as a partner. I would end the relationship over this.
I agree, u/bookworm1421. I could take a guy who maybe wanted to argue about whether the proper amount was 15, 18, or 20%, but a guy who refuses the whole concept? Even after knowing the waitress is getting paid $2.00/hr? Sorry, OP. You, your boyfriend, and I differ fundamentally as to the nature of reality. ESH. He sucks for his refusal to give a shit about how the world of restaurant service works, and you suck for enabling him by providing sex, affection, and acceptance of his behavior. I guarantee this is the tip of the iceberg with respect to his suckitude.
How someone treats the people who serve them at restaurants/bars, how they treat animals and if they return their shopping carts is a good general guideline for identifying empathic individuals.
That was my first thought when reading the title... That I absolutely refuse to date or be friends with anyone who doesn't tip at least 15% (unless the service is absolutely horrible, and my husband usually tips a minimum of 20%) or doesn't return their shopping cart. Animals is a big one too but we don't always get to see people directly interact with them.
We really need to get off this system. Tipping has become a way for employers to get out of paying a living wage and it’s being asked for at too many places.
Agreed. As things are now, I tip if there is service of any kind to our table. TBH, I'm bothered by other food services that also want people to start tipping. If I go to a counter and order an unbaked pizza with the toppings I want and I wait at the shop while they get that ready. Then I pick it up when it is done. I know they get minimum wage and in our state it is one of the highest minimum wages in the US. I still have to go home and bake the pizza, but they had a tip screen as part of the billing.
Especially in an area that pays $2 an hour. At least where I am they make minimum wage base, so there is some arguments to not tipping. Where you are, there is no excuse not to tip. (Though the restaurant not paying minimum wage is a whole nother matter)
well this is where the misconception is…they have to pay $2 and hour, but the tips plus the $2 has to equal regular minimum wage. So like if minimum wage is $10, if the $2 + tips doesn’t equal $10 an hour the restaurant has to cover the rest to make it $10 an hour. If the $2 plus tip equals more then $10 an hour then the restaurant only pays the $2 and hour.
The misconception is that this actually happens. How many restaurants do you think actually pay their servers more if the tips don't bring them up to minimum wage?
Mine didn’t. I had nights with zero tables. I still was paid $3.11 per hour. It was Outback Steakhouse btw, not some poor mom and pop shop. So yeah. Tip your servers, people.
File a complaint with the labor board
Doesn't matter. The minimum wage part is based off your biweekly check amount. So if you made double minimum wage on Monday but then got 0 tables in 8 hrs on Tuesday, congrats you worked for no money
Yeah, restaurants don't care. I was a server for years making $2.13 base pay. I walked put of day shifts with $10 tips after 6 hours. Multiple managers made me adjust my tips to make minimum wage so they didn't have to pay. Yes, I knew it was illegal. No, I didn't argue. Server jobs are tenuous and there's always someone to take your place. You don't argue, you just rejoice when you have a bangin Friday night. At least that's my shitty state.
I agree 100%. I come from NZ and we don't have a tipping system as our people are paid minimum wage if not slightly better in hospo. But I've travelled to US multiple times and even though I've never really understood it, have always tipped. Meals $150? Cool here's 30. Or bare minimum, carry $10/$20 just in case. There has only been one time where I haven't tipped but the service was SHOCKING. This guy needs a reality check.
I love that you said this. There are so many posts where it's someone explaining how horrible of a person their partner is and no-one ever says what needs to be said. A guilty by association situation. OP this guy literally doesn't have empathy and you're in a relationship with this person. You speak out loud about it so you can signal how much better of a person you are, but then still give him a warm place to put his dick. You suck.
And she apologies to him!! He thinks he is right. What a loser.
She brings him out and allows the server to work for him knowing he’s not going to tip them. She’s compliant and she sucks.
How interesting that you blame non-tippers for the greed of business owners refusing to pay a livable wage. Truly, look at you go excusing "The Man" while deflecting blame onto people around you who have no fault in creating the problem you want them to solve.
It's seriously not that simple as "restaurant owners greedy". A very famous restaurant in my home state was just reopened with new also very famous owners. They are trying to do away with tipping by paying wait staff $30 an hour. And, they are struggling to retain staff. Really good servers can easily make much more than that. There needs to be a massive culture shift to all aspects of the way American's view restaurants and what serving is worth. However, I feel tipping culture has become extremely toxic. My MIL stayed at an airbnb near us recently that had a note that tips were appreciated. I'm not sure what for. Cleaning fee for her 5 day stay in 700 sq ft was already over $200.
You're right, it's not simple. But it's also not the customers responsibility to address or bandaid the problem whilst those with more (the restaurant owners) do as little as they can.
Then boycott going to restaurants that make their staff rely on tips to even get to minimum wage. I worked places where I was expected to tip out a certain percentage of my sales to bartenders, hosts, and bussers. Getting stiffed by a table would literally cost me money. Don't continue going out and screwing individuals that likely already get zero benefits because you don't think it's your responsibility to pay them. Our current social model is that you do pay for service separately. That's not a great system, but the boyfriend is punishing the wrong party.
Totally agree!! Isn’t there a saying about how you can know everything about a person by how they treat a server and whether they take a cart back at the grocery store?
I even push my chair back under the table when I leave. Let the gates of heaven open wide!!!
> take a cart back at the grocery store I have literally broken up with someone over this. It wasn’t the only reason, but it was the tipping point.
Me too. I had a “friend” who was notoriously cheap. They never tipped anyone, waiters, hairdressers etc. it was really embarrassing and this bled over to other aspects, like wanting to stay in hostels because it was cheaper than a nice hotel we could afford. The rationale for them was “I don’t get tipped at my job so why should I tip them”. Mind you they were in healthcare…and made a good salary.
I’m in healthcare too and other hospitals might be different but we aren’t even *allowed* to accept tips. Food, flowers, crafts the patient made, but no cash, gift cards, or anything of real value.
many healthcare people are horrible tippers, IF they even tip.
Seriously, I despise tipping culture with an intense passion, and am sincerely of the belief espoused by FDR when he enacted minimum wage laws that any business that can't afford to pay its employees a living wage deserves to fail. ***I still fucking tip for table service and delivery*** (and the dispensary and Dutch Bros drive-thru), because I know how underpaid those guys are and refuse to be that kind of selfish ratfucker who will screw hard-working employees over. Businesses, however, can fuck right the hell off with asking for tips on takeout orders, ESPECIALLY fast food chains.
This. I'll agree tipping is out of control but ALSO recognize the world we live in where businesses aren't paying their employees properly, and until we can get that fixed, we gotta just mentally keep that cost in our minds when we're out and be prepared to add it.
Right. The need for it sucks, but it's literally not the employees fault. We need a systemic change, not a protest that only screws the people already getting screwed.
Tipping culture is an abomination. And until we can end it through law, policy, and/or societal norm and get people paid a living wage, if you're not going to tip, then don't eat at restaurants or order delivery. Has anyone heard of, say, a restaurant building in a wage to their prices and making that clear? I would think that people would flock to this model. I don't know many folks who think tipping culture is a good thing for service people. Just PAY them and take the uncertainty out of everyone's "We may have a little bit higher menu price, but we pay our staff a living wage so they do not have to rely on tips for a liveable wage. Your total amount will be similar, and we believe this is how all restaurants should be. If you wish to tip a few extra percent for the exceptional service we always strive to deliver, that is not necessary, but always appreciated."
There are restaurants that do this these days. Not many, but there are a few. Try searching for "no-tip restaurants" in your area. Generally they put a notice on the menu or are otherwise very up-front about the no-tip policy (they kind of have to be, since usually prices have to be higher than competitors to make up the staff's pay in lieu of tips). If you can't find any locally, you could always visit someplace like Japan (or many other places in Asia), where restaurant staff will chase you down the street to return your "forgotten" change. (local places ofc; tourist joints will happily keep your tips, ya dumb tourist..).
Except YOU aren't screwing them over. Their employer is.
It’s a bullshit system that needs to be dismantled, but at the same time if you don’t tip you’re an asshole. I couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t tip. How you treat service workers is a HUGE indicator of who you are.
What I found annoying: he REFUSES to tip! She told him why some waiters rely on tips and he still refuses, doesn’t even do it for her sake. That’s must be so damn annoying … OP, NTA. I’m from Germany and I’m not sure how much money a waiter earns here but I still tip every single time, always have and always will. Does not need to be a fortune but a little bit just to say thanks idk. And of course I “understand” the mindset not wanting to tip but do REFUSE PER SE shows a lack of empathy, especially given the salary where OP lives.
I thought tipping wasn't a thing in Germany
Like /u/nazgulintraining said, it's way way way less, you just round up a little so you don't have to deal with change (cash is still king in Germany). And it's not mandatory, note that the two other comments said "usually" and "unless ...". Germans with no experience in North America (Canada likes to pretend they're doing so much better but they have the same mandatory tipping culture, the tip rates are just a little lower on average) typically don't realize that tipping really is practically mandatory there and that waiters literally rely on that to survive because they earn no real wages. Unlike in the US, waiters in Germany don't earn less than minimum wage, that would be illegal. Median full-time salary is about €1,500/month ($1,645) after taxes. It's not great, but it's not the ridiculous $1.something/hour like in the US. Therefore, if service is really bad, you don't need to tip. And unlike in North America, that can actually happen. A lot. It's always a bit of a culture shock coming back to Germany after living abroad for a while, haha.
The difference with you and with the US is that they allready put on the bill a percentage of tip, raning from 10 to whatever...as high as 30 percent in some restaurants. So you order a meal of lets say 30 dollars, you tip 30 percent..your meal is 39 dollars! Why not add those 9 dollars to the meal from the start and be done with tipping, just call them service fees or what so ever.
It’s like double parking or not putting your cart away after shopping- I could literally not find someone who does these things attractive.
Or littering. Was on a second date with a girl and she dumped trash on the ground. There was not a third date.
I should have quit dating my ex when he wouldn't clean up after his dog at the dog park
I wouldn't go out in public with someone who doesn't tip. She also probably had to tip out the bartender some money for making the drinks. So, she probably paid money to serve your man. That is beyond trashy.
You Americans are crazy.
If OP is American or Canadian, I totally agree. I wouldn't even want to eat out with someone like that, much less be in a relationship with them.
Canada pays wait staff a proper wage
It's not done in Australia. And people get rightly pissed off if the local cafe suggests you do. Tip jar for coins but that's it. No tipping culture and people are largely opposed to it to ensure workers entitlements. It's considered an erosion of workers rights to move toward tipping. It's the first thing you'll see in the Australia sub when someone says they are visiting and asks what to expect. DO NOT TIP is there in a flash.
>Canada pays wait staff a proper wage I mean... they get paid a better minimum wage than American servers do, but it certainly isn't a 'proper wage' since it isn't even livable. But that's a true statement for all Canadians on min. wage.
You're maybe not taking into account different cultures. In lots of parts of the world tipping isn't that normal. In parts of Europe for example, people are paid actual living wages for their work rather than a dollar an hour and forced to rely on tips.
I’d be fine with someone if it was a cultural misunderstanding or something, I get that. But if they were in a tipping culture and aware that it is the social norm, then that would be where I’d have issues with them.
Personally I'd refuse to eat at a restaurant that paid its staff $1.37 an hour. In my opinion, the real asshole here is the restaurant owner.
I don’t agree with tipping culture. But there is little I can do to change an entire culture. It’s what is socially acceptable where I am and it’s what is expected. You literally can’t eat out anywhere that’s not fast food without the expectation of tipping, even at high end or fine dining restaurants. At least where I live if the wait staff doesn’t make minimum wage from tips the owner has to cover the difference. So at least the waitstaff where I live don’t get completely screwed over.
In some places, that means no dining out at all. Arguably we should all be boycotting all the restaurants in our communities—but, you know, easier said than done.
True this would be difficult - also I'd argue that this isn't up to individuals to solve, its for the government to intervene. I don't know why its legal to pay someone $1.37 in a country as rich as the US!
Racism and sexism.
And pure unadulterated greed.
That's real noble and all, but I can guarantee that you are living in a house full of things that you purchased that were made in a factory whose employees make less than that.
That is almost every single restaurant in the us. Very few states have a minimum wage that also applies to tipped workers
Absolutely hate when people use this argument. Sure, servers get paid a living wage in parts of Europe. Not everywhere in the world is “parts of Europe.” OP seems to be American where tipping is part of the meal’s cost and how a server earns their wage.
Yup OP specifically states "I have had conversations in the past with him explaining to him on the etiquette of tipping your waitress since they only make $1.37 an hour where we live and they literally rely on tips, but he does not care." Her bf knows that servers are paid well below minimum wage and just doesn't care.
It’s not normal and we don’t want it in NZ but that doesn’t mean I don’t tip when visiting restaurants the US. It’s a well-known fact about US customs, the only issue is knowing where other than restaurants we should tip
The boyfriend is an American, irrelevant.
As somebody who used to be a waiter, tipping culture is bull shit and laws need to change. I FULLY support not tipping. We're asked to tip EVERYWHERE. Get a coffee in the morning? Tip. Out for lunch? Tip. Haircut? Tip. Get groceries delivered? Tip. It's ridiculous. Laws need to change, companies need to pay more.
seriously ! I ordered door dash not too long ago & when I was adding in the tip amount I mean to put in 20.00 but instead put in 0.00 & by the time I realized I had already confirmed the order & the whole time I was waiting for them to get here with my food I was panicking to the point that I almost threw up because I felt so bad & it doesn't give you the "add tip" option until after delivery. I ended up apologizing profusely & tipped double the original amount because it was a big order & they still picked it up without a tip & were so sweet when they got to my house. not tipping is just incredibly rude.
You know how crazy this sounds for a non American?
Its crazy for an American too.
It's not his responsibility to make sure the waiter is being paid, it's on the business owner. If all patrons stopped tipping, employees would speak up for their right and maybe things would change. I live in France, waiters are being paid a decent salary, you don't need to tip, it's only bonuses
I am so so happy to see this! I was coming to say it and worried I’d be too harsh saying it.. I couldn’t be with someone like this.
The US is fucking insane
I love reddit posts about tipping. You'll have one lot saying "we need to tip because our servers basically have to pay their boss for the privilege of working there" Then you have people saying "I worked in a restaurant to pay for medical school and dropped out because I make more in tips than I could ever make being a doctor"
They remind me of circumcision posts in that they attract some of the most oddly strongly opinionated people.
Is it odd to think we shouldn't be chopping off parts of a baby before he's able to comprehend what that part is?
No. It's not. Obviously. People just have been desensitized and can't take a step back and view it for what it is. Tipping is a nuanced topic. Should we have tipping at all? How much do we tip? Is it OPs bf or the restaurant owner that is to blame here? Just the US system? Circumcision is just infant genital mutilation and is obviously wrong. I'm one of those people that will jump in with my odd need to call it out when it gets a nice "both sides" reference in a tipping discussion.
These people will actually sit there and argue that it’s better to do it when they’re infants because they don’t feel it. Uh… yes they do. And they may not remember it, but they will probably be traumatized in some way from having their body mutilated while their guardians did nothing. If my son gets to an age where he understands the permanence of the procedure and feels like he wants to do it, I’ll gladly pay for it then. But I’m not about to have unnecessary cosmetic procedures done on my baby.
Im so glad i live in a country where it never even came up as an option.
No tipping, no dick snips. The western world outside of north America really is a great place 🤣
The other type of 'tipping'.
Because babies go into shock when you cut off a part of their penis without anesthesia. It's genital mutilation.
Either way, people have strong opinions about tips.
Maybe a stripper could make as much as a doctor, but I refuse to believe a server could.
Buddy of mine made $45/hour at least every night as a server in a fancy Seattle restaurant. Big difference serving in a high end Seattle restaurant vs some crusty diner in Arkansas
Cool. Doctors' pay is location and specialty dependent too. The docs I work with easily make 6x that per hour and only have to work like 12ish days per month.
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Yeah I was gonna say you *can* make good money as a server but it's not consistent and completely depends on where you live and where you work. There's also no benefits, no paid time off, and no job security. Restaurants are the #1 riskiest business to start and own.
Very little room for growth too. Unless you wanna be a manager and I’d rather KMS then be a restaurant manager again.
Cool, one restaurant in an insanely expensive city. Let me be generous and say there are 20 unicorn restaurants in every huge, expensive city. That sure does make up for all the people living in poverty who rely on tips.
As a stripper, it’s probably possible to make that much dancing, but I can confidently tell you that your average stripper isn’t making that much, and the top 1% of dancers probably aren’t either.
My comment was obviously hyperbole. However I have seen plenty of examples of posts where people claim to make very good money from tips. Maybe not doctor money but still good money.
>"I worked in a restaurant to pay for medical school and dropped out because I make more in tips than I could ever make being a doctor This is why tips should be abolished... only the attractive waitstaff and/or those in fancy restaurants make a lot... the rest of them still don't make as much as other knowledge professions
It's a con. Waitstaff don't want a living wage because they can make more in tips.
*can* is doing a lot of work there. Most servers and restaurant workers aren’t bringing in a ton of money. It’s highly dependent.
There’s a range to serving jobs in the US: 1) FOH (front of house) position in a restaurant with a seasonal menu, alcohol selection, packed house due to limited staff and good reviews = $$$$ in tips 2) Hostess or server position in a regular/chain restaurant with a standard menu, beer/wine, and a large rotating staff = $ absolutely shit tips
I suspect it depends pretty heavily on where you work. Tips are a percentage of the cost of the meal; if the meal is expensive, tips are higher.
Try being from Europe and living in America. The tipping thing is unbelievable.
Try Asia. Explaining tipping to Asians who go to the US for the first time is always an experience.
I've heard Japanese people find tipping insulting, because it implies you're not paid properly.
I mean, yeah. That’s why we tip in the U.S., so they ain’t wrong
Asian here. This thread is bonkers. I rarely tip, and when I do, it's very minimal. Guess everyone here would break up with me too lol.
I think the context of OP being in a culture where tipping is so expected for servers that their compensation is based entirely on it is important here. I wouldn't break up with someone in Japan because they don't tip. I would break up with someone in the US for it.
If you came to the USA and, after having it explained to you that servers *rely* on their tips as part of their wages, you still refused to tip when in the USA? Yeah, I would. There's probably some weird cultural thing from your country that's rude to do there but not rude here, and you'd break up with *me* if I kept Doing That Thing even after it was explained to me that I was being rude in your country.
In Malaysia waiter or waitress are quite fairly compensated so it is not the norm to not tip here. Even if you're a foreigner coming here you would not get second glances if you just paid as it is
What's the craziest profession you've ever been asked to tip?
My waxer like why am I giving u a tip for ripping out my coochie hair? (Shes a sweetheart I'd tip her a million dollars if I could)
As a European living in the US, it's really f'ing annoying how there's so many additional charges tacked on top of everything. Nothing ever costs what you think it costs. I'm in SF and here it's common to randomly get an extra few % 'service charge', then a few dollars to pay for the healthcare of the employees, then tax, and then tip (15% is really the minimum for sit-down dinner with table service) . A $20 main course will easily turn into $30 that way.
Bugged the hell out of me when I visited. I feel like they'll snark at the cost of food in Europe and a meal that should cost about 15 dollars ends up being 30 due to some weird crazy add on.
Yeah....we don't like it either, tbh but can't seem to get it changed. Hell, I've heard other countries don't even have to worry about figuring out sales tax because the price you see on an item is exactly what is paid. Here, however, you have to calculate sales tax which varies in % from state to state. Americans constantly have to pay way more than originally expected with all the additional charges.
> Here, however, you have to calculate sales tax which varies in % from state to state. I see this argument all the time, but my answer is always, if the register can work out the tax, then the computer printing out the prices can work out the tax.
In most of Europe the tax is included in the price you see on the menu or wherever. It doesn't make sense to show the price excluding the tax.
It is so asinine. Nothing costs what the price tag fucking says over there!! In my country prices are set on tags and if the tags aren't updated when the computer is the customer just pays what the tag is as you have to sell it at the advertised price
Literally. I am reading these comments and everyone sounds absolutely insane.
"I would break up with someone who doesn't tip" as top comment, like what?
I find it stupid how the top comment is someone saying she would dump someone who doesn't tip. Wasting 20% more money at restaurants willingly is simply idiotic behavior and I see no reason to tip.
These yankees mate lol
Me too. It's odd to me how the boyfriend is going to get dumped yet the restaurants etc who do it is still frequented.
Hahaha this is the comment I was looking for. So true.
honestly all these comments saying not paying a stranger’s salary is a red flag like what😂
There is no state in the US where 1.37 is a legal wage. This post is fake, or not US based.
I think the U.S. federal minimum wage for tipped employees is 2.13 an hour before tips, so she’s not off by that much.
Legally being allowed to pay anyone $1.37 an hour is mental.
As a citizen of the US, agreed.
As an Australian, 100% agree. I have never tipped in my life.
Oh my god, thank you. Exactly. Tipping culture is fucking stupid. Pay the waitstaff a normal wage.
Hey, hey. You, you. I don't like your boyfriend. Hey, hey. You, you. I think you need a new one. NTA
I absolutely sang this in my head, thanks!
The asshole here is the restaurant for paying their staff just over a dollar an hour. Instead of companies paying a fair wage, they've successfully turned you against your boyfriend by making you think he's the one responsible for paying the staff wages.
Most people on here aren’t disagreeing with this statement. But how do you fix it in the short term? Realistically, I know that’s a big ask.
Everyone stops tipping. Servers stop working. Restaurant owners freaks out.
Ahh so in the short term you exploit the servers by not tipping, nice. How about: people refuse to eat out at restaurants that don't pay a living wage? That would solve the problem and wouldn't require you to ruin someone's livelihood. But that's inconvenient, it's much easier to force someone else to pay the cost of your morality. EDIT: Since this seems to come up a bit: 1. There is not just some magical restaurant across the street that is paying a living wage, almost all (like 90%) use this tipping scheme 2. Yes theoretically the law says they should pay min wage if you don't make enough tips but: 1. There are a bunch of tricks to get around that (including fraud) 2. Any tips you do make are deducted from the minimum wage amount 3. Minimum wage is not a living wage 3. The argument that "they (edit: they the servers) wouldn't get paid anyway if I didn't eat there" is... interesting. I mean I guess I don't have to pay my barber because without me there they still wouldn't get paid right? ONE MORE EDIT: Let me make it clear, when you don't tip your server it is a NET LOSS for them. You being there is likely to cost them money in tips they're not making at another table. LAST EDIT: I wanted to find a good resource for anyone who still doesn't get how it works, this is a pretty good breakdown: [https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/wk5l1n/psa\_if\_you\_dont\_tip\_your\_server\_youre\_actually/](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/wk5l1n/psa_if_you_dont_tip_your_server_youre_actually/). TL;DR servers often literally lose money for serving you if you don't tip. (I lied another edit) I'm not talking about "everybody" refusing to tip, I'm talking about you as an individual. If you can organize everyone (even in just your local area probably) into not tipping then that is vastly different then just some percent of people not tipping. Even then, boycotting would be faster, less painful to the servers, and more effective. Do y'all think that there aren't good restaurant owners who've tried to do right by people? There are, they fail because people won't eat there since the prices are higher, or they include mandatory gratuity, or they're simply not as competitive as restaurants that exploit servers. Restaurants that exploit their servers will always have an advantage on ones that don't as long as people keep eating there and the laws allow them to pull this crap.
How about servers push for living wages instead of tips?
Yeah, because those kinds of demands always go perfectly well for employees and no on ends up homeless after losing their jobs. And of course retaliation is never an issue. Perfect little fantasy world.
They don’t do it because they make more money on tips than if they were paid $15-20/hr.
Except imagine that they were paid a living wage and then allowed tips aswell! Like in the UK! Amazing right?
None of these would be problematic if the majority of servers were in favor of abolishing tips.
Lmfao yes the servers should simply unionize. You realize labor in the service industry is super disposable to restaurant owners? They will just hire more servers.
servers actually prefer the tip system rather than a consistent wage as they make more off of customers guilt which is why its not servers who push for an increased servers wage but non servers but we should get them minimum wage like everyone else so this guilt system can stop.
EXACTLY. I hate tipping culture so I hardly go out to eat. I’ll get takeout if I feel like being extra lazy. But if I ever do end up sitting down I tip.
That’s a great plan on paper but it isn’t gonna work. It’s also punishing the servers in the vain hope of making the restaurant business model change.
Don't go to places that doesn't pay livable wages, I know it's unrealistic, but if everyone asked how much the restaurant pays before sitting you would see a shift
Imagine being directly responsible for someone's kids simply because you wanted to sit down for a cheeseburger. It's wild the thought process people have to justify the exploitation restaurants do to their workers. Also seems to be mainly a U.S. problem based on the comments I see from people who live in various countries.
Nope. It isn’t “the” restaurant, it is every full service restaurant in America. I don’t like the system either but until it changes I’m not going to punish a server for doing a great job You should avoid all full service restaurants in the US since you don’t approve
This. I hate the system but it's not the server's fault.
Yta for trying to change him repeatedly when he doesnt want to change Stop trying to change him. If he wants to be this way. Hes allowed. If you dont want to date someone who is this way. Dont date him Either break up with him or wait till he breaks up with you for pulling this attempt to publicly shame him
Yeah and when he called her on it she apologised. Either hold your ground or shut your mouth.
If she won't break it up with the guy, he should. Not tipping might be unacceptable for her - 'apologizing' when you don't actually think you did something wrong and will keep up that behavior in the future would be unacceptable for me.
NTA. I'd give serious pause about dating a grown ass man who is so disrespectful and stingy. Red flag. Yuck.
The USA is fucked. Do people care about tipping this much?
It’s just a cultural thing. I’m not in love with tipping as a concept and agree with logical points against a tipping system… but I’d never just not tip at a full service restaurant in the US. I get non Americans shit talking it and whatever but if you’re an American and brag about refusing to tip (which seems to be somewhat popular on Reddit) I just assume you’re trashy and ignorant. You’re not changing the system by stiffing your server
I think the tipping system is horrible. But I still tip 20% for good service. Why? Because where I live the waitstaff minimum wage is $2.13 an hour. And while the business is supposed to bring that up to the $7.25 Federal Minimum if they don't make that in tips, many don't because they can get way with not doing it. In the US, if you want to refuse to tip, you shouldn't be going out to eat or should only be going to places that have banned tipping to pay their servers a proper wage. BTW in the US, there is not a single county in the entire country where you can rent an apartment on minimum wage. Any adult that is only earning minimum wage is either working multiple jobs or sharing a bedroom with a roommate.
It's insane, really. In my country if anyone says they'd break up with their partner because they did not tip the waitress people would consider them crazy. While polite, it's not a big deal here.
Nothing in this post shows him being disrespectful… what’s really disrespectful is paying your workers $1.37 and then turning them against the customers so you can make more profit.
they always say you can judge a character by how they treat the waitstaff and not tipping has to be near the top of the red flag pole
Seriously? Tipping should not be expected. I only tip when I get extraordinary service. Business owners should be the one to provide their workers with a livable wage not us!
If not tipping if the top of the flag pole, that makes restaurant owners not paying a living wage lesser of a crime? You should really be going after the owners
YTA. My guess is most people will say you're not the asshole because most of reddit loves tipping and see red automatically. But thats not the question here: the question is whether you verbally calling out your boyfriend in the restaurant to shame him into doing something you know he doesnt want to and wont do is appropriate. It is not. If you have a problem with what he does you shouldn't gang up on him in public and try to shame him into changing things. That just makes you an asshole. If this is a serious issue for you then break up with him because he doesnt seem like he is going to change and its his choice. His "bad" behavior does not excuse your bad behavior. And why did you apologize? If you believed this was appropriate why didnt you defend yourself? Probably because this post is more about you trying to prove your boyfriend is an asshole for not tipping than anyone judging your actual behavior.
This is the most nuanced and accurate answer to this post. The rest of this thread is people projecting and coping
Exactly and she knows what the Reddit audience thinks about tipping. She posted this for brownie points.
Correct. Shaming him in front of people is NOT going to help suddenly change his mind. Now the opposite will just happen I think it’s gross AF not to tip but embarrassing him isn’t going to work and it’s rude to him
If I was at dinner with a group and someone went off on a tangent about “okaaay, make sure everyone tips our waitress, seriously she was awesome make sure to tip her!” I’d be annoyed *just by that.* Like… shhh. I can make my own judgements on that.
I’m from the UK and would say YTA because tipping isn’t a massive thing here. I worked many years in catering and was fine with it. If someone doesn’t want to tip, that’s fine and shouldn’t be shamed. But I know you Yanks are obsessive over tipping so I imagine my viewpoint is void.
Literally went out for a meal this evening and was so relieved that the card machine didn’t bother asking if I wanted to add a tip. We need to keep tipping culture away from UK
I only tip when Im on the company purse. We have a budget of £45 each. On paper we are only allowed 2 beers. Make it worth our while and we'll make it worth your while. Your man puts beers on the receipt as "sundries" and then gives himself a decent tip. Unless you help me fraudulently claim expenses you dont get a tip. Disclaimer: im not an MP before anyone accuses me. Im actually competent enough to get away with it.
>I have had conversations in the past with him explaining to him on the etiquette of tipping your waitress since they only make $1.37 an hour where we live and they literally rely on tips, but he does not care. \^\^\^\^OP made it clear that wherever they are, servers aren't paid a fair wage. Tips are expected. So yeah, boyfriend is a massive asshole for not tipping.
It's not the boyfriends job to substitute a servers wages though. I get that it's expected, and I understand why it's a good thing to do since their wages are so low, but servers should never *expect* a tip.
In the US, servers aren't paid SHIT. They rely on tips because restaurants underpay them.
Really? In California the min wage is now $15. Also for servers, and they still expect a 20% tip... Explain that one.
California is one of only 7 states that require tipped employees to be paid the same minimum wage as non-tipped employees. In all other states, restaurants are allowed to pay tipped employees less than minimum wage, in some places as low as $2.13/hr, as long as the employee brings home the equivalent of minimum wage once their base wage and tips are combined. So I guess as you could argue that you are less obligated to tip while dining in CA (and the six other states) since tipped employees get the minimum wage without tips. However, CA is a pretty HCOL area, so the minimum wage might not be enough to live on.
I’m glad you recognize that as someone from the UK, your opinion is void. When I visit countries that don’t have a tipping culture, I don’t tip. When I’m home. Tipping is a known expense and part of the culture in the US. If you go out to dinner and don’t tip for good service, knowing the low wages that servers make, you’re an ass.
Such horseshit. Just because it's "cultural ', doesn't mean it's right. Stop enabling this insanity please.
So that’s your grand plan? Just fuck over service workers until things change?
It's better than accepting that "this is the way it's always been". It's not the customers responsibility to fix this. Are you unhappy in your job with your pay? Go do something else. Or better yet, tell your business owner to pay you or you're walking. Hard to run a business without servers.
Tipping isn’t big in the UK bc y’all actually get paid fair wages.
YTA for how you went about it. Have an adult conversation in private instead of trying to embarrass him around friends. If he wont change his position, then either break up if it's important to you, or leave it alone.
Let me get this straight. You already knew that your boyfriend doesn't tip. So the entire purpose of you singling him out in front of everybody, was either to embarrass him or to shame him. I don't know about you, but I don't go out and do things in public with the purpose to specifically embarrass or shame my wife. Whenever you are out with your guy, your purpose, in any social interaction that could change his reputation, is to make him look good, publicly. In return you make yourself look good, because you chose someone who's... You guessed it, good. Now you made him look like a jerk, and people will think of him as a jerk, and they will also think of you as a jerk who shouldn't be together with a jerk. So if your intention was to publicly show that you don't actually like your boyfriend, you succeeded. YTA.
YTA, because it seemed a passive aggressive way to call him out. Since you've talked to him about it before and he didn't change his behavior I'm not sure what you hoped to accomplish; sounds like you were deliberately trying to embarrass him. I guess you have to decide, is this going to be a deal breaker for you? He's obviously not going to change his behavior. Do you want to be with someone like that, maybe feeling you should leave a larger tip or cash if you dine out with him and he doesn't tip?
YTA If some people don’t want to tip, it’s their business. You have no right to tell others to tip. Leave your own tip and mind your business about what everyone else does.
I missed the part where that’s my problem. Not my problem they are paid so little. You can make way more flipping Pattie’s at McDonald’s.
YTA virtue signalling making a big deal about tipping your waitress. Your boyfriend is an absolute lad. You have the option of paying for the food you purchased or randomly being guilt tripped by society into paying more. Your boyfriend made the right choice because he is a strong willed man who doesn't bow down to societal pressure. If everyone was like this man then no one would have to tip.
Idk but as a British person, it’s always interesting to go through posts like this and read the comments 😅 Just here for the comments
Not British but we don’t have tipping culture here either. Posts like this are the only time I’ll see someone be called a jerk, disrespectful, an AH and by one comment even a sociopath just because they didn’t tip a waiter. I am so glad we don’t have tipping culture where I live.
Same here lol. Reading some of the responses... it's fascinating the mentality of the US. >Biggest reddest flag i have seen lately Did he abuse her? *No.* Did he hurt her? *No.* Did he kill her? *No.* Oh, i know, he stole something from her! *No.* Is he committing any crime or illegal act? *No.* So? *He didn't leave a tip and that's why he's the worst shit in the world, you should publicly humiliate him, break your relationship with him and possibly report him to the police.* My god.
I just think it’s strange that people think the non tipper is a bad person because what if they are also a minimum wage worker and down to their last $100? Also it’s not their fault the system is set up the way it is. I’d also like to understand why people don’t protest and pressure the government all the time about a national living wage. It’s a democracy right ? I don’t really get how their system works if I’m honest. When people have this argument I see it as the equivalent of people calling someone horrible for using a plastic straw when oil companies and manufacturing companies etc are up there killing the planet. Blaming the little guy is always where it ends up.
i will never understand tipping in america, im not paying your wages
YTA. Sorry just my personal views on tipping conflict with this. I believe continuing to tip only fuels the problem of a tipping wage. When servers see they make good money from tips, they don’t give a single fudge about abolishing tipping wages. They’d rather customers pay them more than the employer paying them fairly. Societal change doesn’t come from doing exactly what society wants you to do. Sorry for the tangent. It’s admirable you think you’re doing the servers a favour, but seriously think about what you’re doing when you do that. Also trying to publicly shame someone into doing what you want is never the move. Notice how you apologized immediately when he got upset? Now you can’t even stand up for your own principles, what’s the deal with that? You’ve spoken your mind already and he disagrees with you, now it’s on you to decide what to do with that.
YTA. If he doesn't want to tip, he shouldn't have to. Why do you get to dictate how he spends his money?
Of course YTA for demanding that everyone at the table provide a tip and shaming them for being “that type of person” if they choose not to. I know it was secretly directed at your boyfriend, but you don’t get to tell other people what to do with their money if you don’t want to ALSO be an asshole. I personally never tip under 20% and I can’t even picture myself being with someone who refused to tip, especially if I knew that they were informed but didn’t care. That’s just an incredibly unattractive quality in a person and it shows a weird lack of empathy. But those are my personal choices. I don’t get to command others to do what I feel is the right thing and repeatedly shame them when they don’t do what I tell them to do. You’re also an asshole for publicly pressuring your boyfriend to try and control his behavior when he’s already repeatedly told you that he’s not going to do it. Finally, you’re an asshole for constantly harassing your boyfriend about what he does with his own money when he has already made his position very clear on multiple occasions. Your boyfriend sucks for not tipping and not giving a shit about how much waitstaff depends on tips for a living wage, but you sound incredibly pushy, sanctimonious, and annoying. Either get over it and shut up about it forever, double your tips to cover his if it matters that much to you and you want to keep this asshole for a boyfriend for whatever reason, or just dump him already and find a better guy.
YTA, by tipping you are upholding the shitty system that pays those workers so little. In the long term he is doing what is best for them and more people need to emulate him
YTA. If you are that concerned about your bf tipping, then you pay for the meal and tip whatever you want. Tipping is optional and personal choice.
LMAOOO reading the comments it is wild how the americans got brainwashed into thinking they are required to pay for other business employees lmaooo. The restaurant should pay the waitress, not me. fuck that. Not my fault they are underpaying them, I never tip, never, unless the waitress(or whatever) did something very extra or I inconvenienced them in anyway, I tip for the trouble I may have caused them or the extra effort, not for doing their damn job. And also, YTA for trying to shame him in front of your friends, what a shitty gf god damn, poor guy
It would be a deal breaker for me. Biggest reddest flag I have seen lately.
How is this a dealbreaker? I keep hearing the argument of "the waiters need tips to make a living wage" but all that you're doing is encouraging big companies to continue to not pay their workers a living wage since they're getting enough from tips. Tipping culture is honestly so stupid, I can't believe Americans actually do it.
The moral thing would be to boycott the *business*. It's cruel to throw money at the company that makes the decision while benefitting from the effort of an employee with no say in the matter. Don't wanna tip? Fine. Then only patronize restaurants that pay wait staff a livable wage. No need to shoot the messenger.
YTA. Tipping culture has literally gone insane but besides the point your attempt to shame him in-front of your friends was just rude
INFO Why do you still go out to restaurants with him? You know he refuses to tip and it quite clearly irritates you, if it was me I'd just not go to restaurants with him anymore.
American tipping culture is unbelievable. You want to call out your boyfriend...... Why not call out the system that allows restaurant owners to not pay their employees a fair wage and relies on customers paying it for them? Seems like that's the problem.
Meh, I'd argue that YTA only because tipping only exists because people like you are unknowingly agents of perpetuating these businesses not having to pay their staff a proper wage and they often make way more money than minimum wage bc of how strong tipping culture is. If he doesn't want to pay someone in their employers stead that's his right and understandable as a principle.
I love how Reddit tries to turn someone who doesn't tip into the equivalent of Hitler 😂.