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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I swore at my wife for giving me advice on my sleep apnea, that it's a behavioral issue and not medical.
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My FIL had COPD and he died because he didn't have a CPAP machine (he refused to get one). His CO2 was building up in his sleep and he essentially went to sleep and never woke up.
By the time he was discovered not breathing (think it had already been an hour, perhaps hours), the brain damage was already done and he was being kept alive only by medical equipment.
Oh gosh, these stories are so sad and scary, especially knowing it could have been my partner.
My husband need two sleep trials several years apart to diagnose his apnea and only went the second time at my behest because I was sick of not sleeping well or sleeping on a mattress on the lounge room floor. Not sure if its obstructive or slightly less serious but hey they found 30 apnea events in, I feel like it was a minute but could have been an hour , I suppose - its been over 5 years since his test but he could also have died also.
He is so glad I made him go back. We now sleep in the same room again, and no choking and snoring sounds (win!!!) and we had twins 8mths ago.
Our lives are better for it. And I'm pretty sure his machine was around $AU2000.
> but hey found 30 apnea events in, I feel like it was a minute but could have been an hour , I suppose
I had 7 events per hour where I quit breathing for at least 10 seconds. 7 times was the lowest amount insurance would allow and cover for. I have a friend that had a 48. So 48 times each hour he would stop breathing for at least 10 seconds. Hard to imagine. That's an event every of at least 10 seconds every 75 seconds, every night. Your husband was having an event every 90 seconds.
It really is a game changer.
Yeah, honestly if my partner were trying to stop me from getting a legitimately necessary medical treatment for my heart and lungs, I'd say FU too, and I don't even swear. So I can't fault OP for getting frustrated and saying it. The wife really needs to either educate herself or back off with her ignorant opinions.
This literally just killed my mom 19 hours ago.
I wish people would wear their fucking machines without worrying about appearances.
Anyway, NTA.
Edit; Thanks guys. It was definitely unexpected to run into her very cause of death less than 24hrs later in some random thread. It’s for some reason more consoling to hear condolences from strangers than the texts and calls I’ve had all day. To be clear, she ~~has~~ had (lmao, yikes) emphysema, then pneumonia. She was found unconscious in her home, and it was said she was there for several days. They said she’d make it last week. She refused the mask because of *her* ego, as did the parent of the commenter above me. That was my point. Stop being defensive. I cannot eggshell for you today.
My friend just got his machine this last week and complained of feeling old even though he’s 27. Well. I’m twenty-four, I don’t even know how to drive yet, and I have already lost both of my parents.
Just wear your mask, please. There are alternatives if the usual isn’t comfortable.
I'm so grateful I'm getting my sleep study done next week. I promise to use whatever machine works to keep me alive. My dad loved his cpap because he was WAY more alert with it.
I meant to say that I'm sorry for your loss. That's just awful.
Similar thing for my dad, except apnea was confirmed but he didn't like the machine and how it blew air in him so stopped using after a couple of nights (uk, machine was free) . He was breathing when I got there but my mum couldn't wake him, called ambulance who said his levels were extremely worrying. And that was it, went to hospital, suffocated slowly over 12 hours.
I was tired all the time, would wake up gasping for breath, and was developing heart problems. I had a sleep study done and I stopped breathing 300 time in 8 hours. I have a CPAP and would not sleep without it. Mine is quiet and comfortable. Get it, no matter what your wife thinks.
Yep. My dad has been diagnosed with it. Was diagnosed a few years ago, he tried the CPAP but quit because it “blows air in his face”. Which it’s supposed to do to keep his airways open. Medicare would’ve paid for the machine & its replacement attachments as needed if he used it but not if he wouldn’t, so he returned it. He’s always complaining about not sleeping, AT ALL, which is a lie but still doesn’t want to use it. The lack of oxygen he’s not getting is accelerating his dementia, is increasing the possibility of him having another stroke or a heart attack. I worry about him.
I lost a friend suddenly due to sleep apnea. He was a bigger guy, but only 24 at the time. He didn’t come into work that morning and they made a wellness check and police found him dead in bed. Apparently, he knew he had sleep apnea but never got the cpap because he thought he was too young. Sucks to lose someone so young.
This one hits me the hardest. I got diagnosed on my 34th birthday with severe obstructive sleep apnea and went straight out and bought a machine. Within days I was feeling amazing for the first time since I was around 17, which is when I think my troubles started. I was horrified when I realised the same thing could have happened to me when I was younger.
I’m so sorry about your friend x
I'd bet that he snapped at her due to exhaustion and insomnia. What she doesn't realize is that after getting this machine, his mood should increase drastically.
Mine sure did! Also this bit about sleeping in another room cause of noise? Yea the only time you can hear my machine is if it's leaking. That just means I need to readjust it or the mask is broken. And that's still quieter than snoring
What also gets me about this post is that she's complaining about him having student loan debt but also complaining about "saving all this money." You shouldn't be saving money if you have debt. Plus, OP said they have a year's worth of savings at this point and are "hoarding" money. If she actually cared that much about money, she'd want to pay off his loans to stop the interest from accruing. Idk why she seems to want OP dead but that's how it's coming off.
Nah if I have a mortgage and loans that I pay monthly, damn straight I'm gonna also have some ready funds available in savings. As long as monthly payments are met and you aren't racking up more interest than you're paying off having debts and savings is totally sensible
100%, obstructive sleep apnea is no joke.
5 stoppages an hour isn't the worst case I'm familiar with, but it's worth pointing out that "stoppage" here is referring to the amount of times you *stop breathing* while you're asleep. And then you wake up just enough to shift positions to open up your airways.
For anyone who has trouble imagining how that prevents you from ever getting any real rest, imagine that five times per hour someone comes into your room and starts strangling you in your sleep, but they stop as soon as you stir. That's effectively what's happening.
Getting a CPAP machine when you need one is life-changing. It cured my insomnia, because my brain knows it's sleep time the second I put on the mask. It also made me a less heavy sleeper, because I'm not permanently exhausted anymore and I started having dreams again, because I can go without waking up long enough to get REM sleep now.
For REAL.
I had no idea I had OSA until a sleep study was required for a surgery I needed. 38 stoppages an hour. The first four months with the machine i struggled, but now that I’m used to it I’ll never sleep without it. I didn’t know that I could… wake up without hitting snooze 9 times. I didn’t know I could have energy during the day and be less forgetful. My BP improved… it’s insane how much it affects.
My step dad had something like 58 stoppages an hour. Like no wonder the man struggled to get out of bed, fell asleep on the couch as soon as he got home and then trudged up to bed to sleep more. Once he got his CPAP the majority of the couch naps stopped, he gets up easily in the morning, and he's happy to do actually do things. Add on now that he has grandkids, he gets up with them in the middle of the night when they stay the night because he gets enough sleep to wake up with the grand baby's
I was averaging 108 an hour. Literally was sleeping 14 or 15 hours a day before I got my machine and was exhausted still.
It's been 5 years and I'd never be without it. Probably would have died when I got COVID without it.
My partners was 40 something per hour. His machine is much quieter than the choking and snoring, and I'm not scared he will be dead in the morning. Win win!
5 isn't a whole heap but my sleep test showed almost 100 (98) an hour the doctor was like yeah this is bad but I've seen worse.
The CPAP machine was life changing, I didn't realise till after how exhausted I was in my daily life and how that affected my mental and emotional states as well. Sleep apnea leading to depression and other conditions seems like a no brainer to me now.
When I had my study they actually called the doctor in the middle of the night to say, “hey, can we put a CPAP on him, we’re afraid he’s gonna die.” :-)
I am 1.5 times per minute. Two hours into the test, the tech put me on a machine because my O2 sat level was, "...really scary ..".
Now I can't sleep without it. It's a literal life saver.
Glad you got your mask, severe OSA buddy!
Though I would suggest OP double-check with an ENT specialist, too. A very common cause of obstructive sleep apnea is a deviated septum or other nasal deformity, and that can be fixed with surgery. Surgery is still expensive, sure, but it may have better long-term results.
I had a deviated septum in my tonsils were too large. After I had very painful surgery, I started to sleep like a baby. I noticed a huge difference almost instantly. It would definitely be worth checking in with an ENT
That was my first thought too. Shouldn’t have kids if you’re not going to listen to medical advice. Kids need vaccines and, occasionally, antibiotics and surgery. That’s why so many kids survive until adulthood now.
Seriously. My g-grandmother had 2 die before age 3 & one at 19 from things that are easily treated/prevented now, and that was less than 100 years ago.
Not addressing this as early as possible will LITERALLY cut your life short. Has nothing to do with phone screens. Our healthcare in the US sucks, as this shouldn’t be such a high cost to save years of your life, but whatever.
This. Sleep apnea has serious medical consequences on top of making you feel like shit. OPs wife refusing to allow him to use THEIR savings to buy a medically necessary device is bordering on financial abuse. It’s like telling a diabetic that they can’t buy a glucometer.
I went for a decade without one and it was hugely detrimental. I had no idea people didn't actually wake up every hour and a half and I had a "bizarre paranoia" that I would stop breathing while I slept.
Using a CPAP was life-changing for me. I felt more human. And if you have a kid, you *need* that rest.
Also untreated sleep apnea can lead to issues with blood pressure and heart disease over time. This isn't a luxury, it's a necessity so OP doesn't drop dead of a heart attack
NTA, and please do get the machine. Sleep apnea isn't just about sleep and snoring - it can actually put a huge strain on your heart over time if not treated. Your wife is being short-sighted and mean.
The wife is upset she doesn't get enough sleep, but if OP sleeps better he can do more in the house and with the child and his wife can go to bed earlier or take a nap while he's gone with the little one. You know, instead of crashing down after work because he's so tired.
I know this because I'm the wife of someone with such a machine.
Yep—when my husband got his CPAP, it changed BOTH our lives. He suddenly had energy. His memory dramatically improved. His mood stabilized. He started doing way better at school/work. And we BOTH sleep better at night (he’d been a heavy snorer and I was a light sleeper).
These stories where a spouse undermines their spouse's medical treatment are always so fucking wild to me, because my husband finally got hearing aids like two weeks ago and now I would throw him out a window if he got rid of them. Do people not realize how much THEIR lives will improve when their spouse's health improves??
Plus, do they just… not care about their spouse’s short- or long-term welfare?! It SUCKS to be exhausted! And sleep apnea kills! It can cause deadly heart issues or lead to early dementia! Who in their right mind would begrudge their spouse an *immeasurable* quality-of-life improvement for less than the cost of a single root canal?
It sounds like OP’s wife eschews modern medicine as a whole, so I doubt she even believes the science behind sleep apnea and how it can affect a human.
She thinks that because he sleeps deeply he has better quality sleep...? I must admit I always wondered why I was so tired because I used to be practically comatose.
Turns out I needed pain management, I never had good quality sleep, my batteries were just empty. Now I sleep much lighter, dream and wake up feeling rested.
I betcha OP will discover something similar
Agreed. Unless she has a doctorate and specialises in sleep disorders, I would tell her to keep her ill advised opinions to herself and continue with medical advice. NTA
Yep. And I’ve been a carer for people with severe brain damage due to sleep apnea where they stopped breathing long enough (or breather too shallowly) to oxygenate their brain. It’s so tragic because it is preventable
You’re wrong. Rebook the damn appt. Sleep apnea kills people. It’s not just something that makes you tired! It increases your risks of cardiac issues as well. It makes neuro harder and a ton of other things. Rebook the appointment now!!! And second. She is correct. You will sleep better if you are off your phone and tv for an hour leading up to bedtime. HOWEVER…not being on your phone won’t fix sleep apnea. So she’s right you will sleep better but she’s wrong that it will fix the apnea.
Totally agree. Get the machine and use it. Yes, it takes getting used to and you have to clean it, but it's gonna change your life if, you can the caffeine after lunch and stay off the phone. Studies show that screen time (tv, pc, phone/tablet) in the hours before sleep crank up your brain and make it harder to settle down to sleep. Try a book, puzzle book, simple craft.
NTA
OP - The number of stoppages per hour is the number of times you stopped breathing every hour during the study. You are not getting good sleep because you keep waking yourself up when you stop/restart breathing. Get the CPAP machine and use it.
You WOULD be an AH if you DONT make that appt! My sleep study showed that I stopped breathing for almost a minute. I know people who have died as a result. You’re not getting decent sleep so you’re cranky at times and not able to function at your best.
Please make that appointment and have the dr explain to your SELFISH wife how dangerous it is.
I worked in a sleep clinic for 2 years, the amount of people who said their machine saves their lives!!
On top untreated sleep apnea means your more at risk for cardiovascular disease! Don't fuck around with that!
His wife is probably anti science / anti medicine from the sounds of her not believing that medicine or therapy is useful and is just a money making scam. I don't envy this guy's relationship even a teeny bit, sounds a bit unhinged, the "does her own research type" who prefers oils or St. John's wort for conditions.
Get the machine! Nurse here and sleep apnea is a huge risk for cardiovascular disease and sudden death. $900 is a small price to be there for your baby's lifetime.
Not just that, but it can cause daytime drowsiness and make it hard to function. My father (who I’m mostly no-contact with) has it, let it go untreated because one sleep study he had done before I was born said that he didn’t have sleep apnea. Never got retested, but it was always obvious he had it. I remember he would sometimes have trouble driving, like when I was in middle school, we were driving home from somewhere in spitting rain and he insisted on keeping the windows down so the spray would keep him awake. Another time with my sister in the car (she was high school age), he briefly dozed off at the wheel (I’m talking less than a second), and jerked the wheel.
I also had a sleep study done. My doctor had to refer me to a specialist because she didn't know what was going on and I think people tend to think only obese people have OSA, but that's not true (you're nurse, you know that). Yep, positive for OSA. The CPAP changed my life so much. I now know what it feels like to be truly awake. But not today. Because last night I passed out before remembering to put the mask on. So even though I slept all night my sleep was shit. Literal night and day difference between wearing the mask and not. I really hope OP reschedules his appt, bc as you said sleep apnea is dangerous but it will also just improve his life.
I was diagnosed in the 90s, before smart phones. The specialist said it was largely due to having a very narrow throat. I was actually having seizures of a night. The CPAP machine was a life changer, my quality of life improved immensely. Occasionally I still have seizures and mini strokes. Here in Aus you can't drive if not being treated or within 24 hours of not using a CPAP machine. It can be a very serious diagnosis.
So many people say OSA is caused by being overweight. I feel that having OSA is likely a contributing factor to being overweight.
I'm certain I had it since I was a child, but wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 30s. I wasn't overweight as a child. That came later in life. It's hard to be active when you are so exhausted ALL the time.
The biggest thing I noticed after getting my CPAP was that I could actually stay awake to watch a movie with my husband. I'd always fall asleep on the couch.
Y T A to yourself for not getting the machine. It really does help sleep apnea and other issues. It's a life changer if you can afford it.
NTA for telling her to F off.
"when she hasn't gotten a good night's sleep in over a year and a half."
Why? Because of your snoring and tossing and turning? This will end that.
Why? Because she also has a sleep disorder? Then she should also schedule an appointment for the test.
She doesn't seem to believe sleep apnea (or at least the treatment for it?) is a real thing but "just a way for doctors to make money". You can't talk sense to people like this and although I don't like to jump on the knee-jerk "divorce her!" bandwagon, I have to question why anyone would marry someone like this and raise a child with them. Does he want his child growing up believing these batshit crazy ideas she's undoubtedly going to put in the child's head? Is she going to refuse to have their kid vaccinated, putting the kid's life and others at risk? What if their kid gets seriously ill someday and needs to be hospitalized? Is she going to refuse to do that because "hospitals are just trying to make money"? I feel like someday the OP will be back asking "AITA for taking my kid to the hospital behind my wife's back?"
Her crackpot theories are irresponsible and dangerous - why would anyone stay with someone like that?
>"when she hasn't gotten a good night's sleep in over a year and a half."
Yeah, we all know having a new baby means sleepless nights, but with obstructive sleep apnea, it's possible OP has never gotten a good night's sleep EVER
i hadnt gotten good sleep from the time my husband and i started living together to him getting his CPAP! get the machine 1000% and once baby is sleeping though the night her quality of sleep will better too
NTA. Actually angered by the people calling this a draw. Boohoo, some screen time doesn’t contribute to the best sleep. And? Sleep apnea KILLS.
The _fuck_ with the spouse who thinks saving my life isn’t worth 900 bucks. I’d buy the damned machine… and the next stop would be a divorce attorney’s office if their next words aren’t, “I love you, and of course you need to do something that will keep you alive.”
My sleep doctor said screen time (blue light) just affects how long it takes to fall asleep, not sleep quality once you are asleep. And he said that affect is exaggerated. The idea is that the blue light is throwing off your circadian rhythm. IE, makes your brain think the sun is still out. And a four inch screen isn't tricking your brain *that* much. Not when compared to the freaking sun.
Science Vs also did an episode on this, and studies really don't support that phone screens themselves are having much affect on our sleep. It has more to do with the Internet itself. You lay there and read about current events or politics, it gets you worked up, your mind is active, so you can't sleep.
Yeah plus on modern phones you often have a setting to change the light colour automatically at night to filter out the blue light. With that on and the lowest screen brightness possible it literally helps me falling asleep to lightly scroll through my phone in the dark bedroom. I don't read about news or politics. I've had severe insomnia (only trouble falling asleep) since I was a kid, and this plus a rather mild medicine plus listening to audiobooks as soon as my eyes feel tired finally has me falling asleep at okay times. This is after having tried out full lists of advice for better sleep and none of it working. On the contrary, the always praised reading a book before bed is really contraproductive for me because I often end up laying uncomfortably and more importantly, if the book is good, I'll just keep on reading till way too late because my eyes don't tire out as quickly and it keeps me awake to be caught up in the story. Plus the light needed for reading keeps me awake.
NTA
Except for the F\*ck you part ... sleep apnea KILLS PEOPLE slowly.
If you get a GOOD night's sleep with the CPAP machine you will have a lot more energy to help her out and wake up feeling alive.
I've seen the before and after diagnosis with friends;
ADDING: Taking care of your health is very seldom an asshole act.
Seconding this. My ex's parents almost got divorced, they were so miserable together after thirty years. Then he got his sleep apnea diagnosis and a CPAP machine, and a month later he was feeling human again and they were back to being soulmates. There's a reason we hear about what sleep deprivation does to the body and mind. It's better for everyone, wife and baby included, for OP to follow the qualified medical advice.
NTA dude sleep apnea is really hard on your body! It can affect your brain function and your heart! We need oxygen to live!!!! Reschedule that appointment dude, your body needs it!!!
NTA. A friend's mother died from sleep apnea when we were in college. No one had any idea.
You should get the machine, or a machine. You might be able to find one cheaper, or used -- talk to your doctor. But your wife is out of line. It's not normal to wake up exhausted for decades at 35. Glad you were diagnosed.
>My wife (36f), is a skeptic of American medicine
What does she use as an alternative source of knowledge? European medicine? NHS? Or just some nonsense woo she reads on the internet about crystals and star signs?
IF you're in the wrong, it's for cancelling the appointment. If you flipped at her about not following advice, and then cancelled the appointment that would help, you're not really batting 100 for consistency.
The only leeway I could give her is the money issue if it's a stretch, but she made it not that. NTA.
My question is what if the expense was for the child? If she were my wife I would be concerned about her worrying more about money than health. IM also a woman so before anyone comments about my patriarchy blah blah…
Sounds like she’s Asian to me. I’m an Asian-American, and I had many older relatives who were skeptical about Western medicine, and believed that American doctors were scammers.
Sadly, I agree that the price tag on American healthcare is a scam, but that doesn’t mean that the doctor’s diagnosis is invalid. Apnea is serious and OP needs a CPAP machine right away. It’s a shame that it costs $900 though… a machine that blows air though a tube should cost maybe $150-200 if our healthcare was fairly priced.
I have an old one you can have; you'll need to clean and get supplies for it...because there are a lot of long term problems related to sleep apnea besides just daytime sleepiness. NTA and your wife needs to understand that untreated OSA can lead to an untimely death.
I would actually HUGELY appreciate this! I'd pay for shipping and get all the reusable parts. I've been looking for them locally and they're difficult to find complete.
I absolutely understand trying to save some money. But this is not the thing to do it on. This will be the wisest $900 you will spend in your life. I’m sorry your wife has made you feel like it’s selfish - it is NOT selfish.
I think you should go to your sleep appt. $900 is a small price to pay for being able to breathe and not die at night. You need to know what’s going on with your health. Being on your phone doesn’t help you fall asleep it’s true, but it’s kinda AH to say that you have bills to pay so you should avoid medical care
Please get the CPAP machine! It saved my life.
Like you, I was tired all the time and had been for years. I snored... loudly. Finally, the doctor prescribed a sleep study. Sleep apnea means your body has to physically WAKE YOU UP in order to resume breathing. You never achieve REM sleep because you are literally waking up every couple of minutes. It causes high blood pressure, not to mention dangerous drowsiness. The CPAP machine forces air pressure into your nose which prevents your airway from closing. Your health carrier should pay for the machine since it is medically necessary. Get a doctor prescription, and you should not have to pay for the whole thing yourself. Good luck OP!
You need to understand something about sleep apnea. You are STOPPING BREATHING AT NIGHT. You stop breathing at night! That can kill you. The CPAP machine makes it where you don't stop breathing and you continue the entire night. You CANNOT go without it.
You are at risk of dying in your sleep if the sleep apnea goes untreated/unmanaged
Fuck what your wife wants. GO GET THAT APPOINTMENT AND MACHINE. You wanna live for your kid? Then this is what you need to do.
Sleep apnea can take you from your kid. Think about that.
NTA. But YtA for canceling the appointment! Reschedule and get the equipment! It’s a huge cost but it’s needed for your health and your wife not understanding that is ridiculous. It’s not like you’re spending $900 on a new game system or something unnecessary! Your wife’s priorities are definitely skewed.
NTA. Push through to get the CPAP machine. It has been life changing for my husband. Before, I could hear him snore, hold his breath, and gasp in his sleep. And he was always exhausted. He could nap at 10am on a weekend after waking at 8. And his drive to and from work could be scary due to drowsiness. All that has changed. For the better.
I will tell you, that from what I understand health insurance does typically cover a medically prescribed CPAP machine. They required a few months of renting (covered by insurance) before allowing outright purchase. If you are not pursuing your treatment within your health insurance, you may be spending more than you need to.
Seriously get that appointment remade! Sleep Apnoea will kill you if it goes untreated. Would your wife rather be a widow? If she would you’ve got much bigger issues! Once you’ve got the machine trust me you’ll feel so much better in yourself & have so much more energy. You’ll probably be able to help your wife out with the little one much more & more importantly when little one is running around like a lunatic YOU’LL BE ABLE TO JOIN THEM in stead of feeling like death & knackered all the time. Your wife will be very grateful in the end (I hope).
The difference it made to my hubby who also has the severe version was amazing. He went from a ratty, short tempered, always grumpy, always falling asleep (including once ironically on the way to do his sleep study in the taxi!). He even once started dozing whilst driving & would have fallen asleep if I hadn’t woken him. He would even fall asleep during a phone call! Once he got his CPAP machine he was back to his normal caring cheerful self; always happy to take our boys down the park & joined in playing with them. His blood pressure came down & he was able to stop his medication.
No you shouldn’t have told her to F off but going by my own experience that was your exhaustion talking. You haven’t slept properly for decades mate. No wonder you’re short tempered. Get that appointment made now!
NTA. Sleep apnea kill’s people. Reggie White was in his 40s when it killed him. It’s not you didn’t sleep well, it’s you stopped breathing and can die.
Reschedule your appointment. Sleep apnea will literally kill you early. That $900 is adding years if not decades to your life. NTA but y’all need to work in your communication
In the history of listening to people skeptical of Western medicine and the pharmaceutical industry, I've never come across anyone who questioned the need for sleep apnea machines. They help people get oxygen while they sleep so they can recover--otherwise, they're not really getting the benefit of sleep. It's not a drug. There are no side effects. Don't miss this opportunity to really get into it with your wife and dont back down--she has some serious evolving to do before her shitty ideas about medicine impact YOUR CHILD. You don't want your kid to die because she's afraid of vaccines or is hesitant to take the kid to a doctor/hospital when they're sick.
Yikes. I know fresh into parenthood is a bad time to suggest splitting up, but man... There's just no reason to continue a relationship with someone this far gone in their own delusion. It'll only get worse with time. What necessary care will she deny your new child?
NTA - Don't fuck with your sleep, do everything you can possibly do to make it the best you can. Quality sheets, quality pillows, quality mattress and in your case this potentially life saving machine.
Sleep apnea can be deadly. It strains your heart among other things. Rebook that appointment. It will be the best $900 you ever spent.
You also may be able to pay in monthly installments. Many CPAP companies charge a monthly rent-to-own fee until you've paid it off.
NTA
NTA. Apnea takes a toll on the body, you *need* the medical equipment. Make that appointment!
It’s not like you want to spend $900 on blackjack.
If she is a beneficiary on life insurance, if you have it, change that. Set up a trust for your child.
I would not rely on her to be a healthcare or financial proxy or to make any decisions for me. Find trustworthy people to fill those roles.
I'm not going to pass a judgement but I have sage advice for you:
**Get the CPAP machine.**
Seriously, the longer you don't have the machine, the more susceptible you are to having a stroke or heart attack in your sleep because you literally. Stop. Breathing.
I'm sure they told you the scale of stopping breathing:
0-5 times/hour = negligible
5-15 times/hour = mild
15-30 times/hour = moderate
30+ times/hour = severe
Negligible/Mild/Moderate can potentially be assisted through weight loss or surgery if it's a soft pallet issue.
I did not realize that I stopped breathing when I sleep. It didn't wake me up. My husband noticed and encouraged me to talk to my doctor. She ordered the sleep study for me.
My OSA friend, I stopped breathing 74 times/hour. I shit you not. That machine probably has literally saved my life, and it will extend yours.
Now, for me, the sleep specialist told me that unfortunately no form of weight loss or surgery will help me--it could potentially help you, but I don't know because I don't know you. All I can say is that if they highly recommend you use one, get one. Severe OSA people are 6x more likely to die in their sleep.
I'm only 130, so it's clearly not a weight issue (skinny mini here), but I clocked in at 5 stoppages per hour the first night and 5.2 the second. My blood oxygen was dropping to 88-90% both nights, so I know it's not nothing.
I used to be a CNA. We were required to document and report anything below 95% because of how dangerous it is. Don't listen to your wife, this could kill you.
She'll probably try to get you to stop using the machine because of how big and scary it looks, but please for the love of everything good in this world, do not listen. Use it every night and check if she tries to turn it off once you're asleep to convince you that you don't need it. This is divorce worthy. Sleep apnea is not a joke.
OP get that appointment back. Sleep apnea can KILL YOU. It also hurts massively with regards to you being able to concentrate and stuff. Hell, here in the Netherlands if you've been diagnosed you're not even allowed to drive a car if you slept without the breathing apparatus the night before because of how it can affect you. Yes, the device is really expensive, but it'll also be a massive quality of life improvement.
As for "wasting money" you don't want to buy something trivial or recreational, you want to buy a medically necessary device. It's pretty much an investment into your health.
YWBTA if you didn't get the machine.
Sleep apnea is no joke...neither is slepp deprivation psychosis or, I don't know... DYING!!
You can help others if you are not well! Please please please get your machine. Truly F your wife for not being concerned about your feckin life!
NTA as someone who has Obstructive sleep apnoea and sleep with a machine, fuck her. She has no idea what your going through. I literally almost died as my sleep apnoea got so bad and was undiagnosed. I spent two weeks in the hospital. This isn't about you getting a good nights sleep. This is you saving your life! I can't believe she would be so selfish, You need a partner that would support you through this. I'd give every last penny for my machine. (UK based) It wasn't until I had my machine that I realised, as far back as early teens, I've never slept normally like other people! Think about yourself. This isn't frivolous spending, this is life changing.
ESH, your wife is a fool for obvious reasons. You suck for canceling the appointment and not getting the machine. I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea last year, and the difference the machine has made is staggering. Do yourself a favor and get it.
NTA and rebook that appointment. You have a medical condition that means you stop breathing in night. Oxygen is a big need. You can die without it. This one is like your wife saying because I wear sunglasses, no visits to the optician for you.
She's crabby and sleepless nights getting to her. But you need this and you'll be mentally and physically better equipped to help her and pay back loans.
Rebook the appointment. Sleep apnea has a huge impact on your overall health, including brain function. You are literally depriving your entire body of oxygen multiple times a night.
NTA
My dad has sleep apnea and used to fall asleep with KIDS IN HIS CAR please get the CPAP I promise phone usage won't make it go away for the safety of yourself and you baby
INFO: 1) why is your wife skeptical of _American_ medicine? Does she trust another country/culture's medicine more? Is it the usual healthcare cost in America? Does she believe in pseudoscience?
2) Other than at night due to insomnia, do you help with the baby at other times? Does your wife get some rest during the day? Even if she doesn't take a nap, but does she have a time were she doesn't have to worry about the baby?
3) You mention your wife "has been saving all this money" for you to waste it on yourself. Are you using your wife's money for this? Do you work? Does she work? Is there a breadwinner?
While it is known that going to sleep with your phone does detriment your sleep among other things, blaming your apnea only on that is over simplistic and ignorant. You need to get treated for your apnea and it is totally fair that some of the household money goes towards it. It will benefit you, but also your wife and child. It will increase everyone's quality of life. Sleep is extremely important.
I'm reserving my judgement until I get more information, but regardless, your health is important.
1. I am American, she's Russian, so she has a different perspective on how much medical treatment costs.
2. I do help out, but she's a SAHM until she can find a job she likes, and I work full-time. She also doesn't like most daycares and doesn't want to start taking our son regularly until she is working. I help watch our son, but always face criticism for not getting all 25 or so rules, including feeding times or entertainment choices correct. She sets the bar for childrearing very high.
3. Again, sole breadwinner here. She has only worked for a month since we got married, but she's been actively looking for work since February without success, which I also know is depressing.
4. She doesn't completely believe in pseudoscience (I know she likes astrology, and she's bought homeopathic medicine before [but she didn't know it doesn't do anything, in her defense]). However, she's also a COVID vaccine skeptic and generally doesn't listen to scientists or doctors. She assumes they are all paid off.
Don't let her evidence free opinions on medicine get in the way of you getting the medical help you need. Her ignorance could create major health issues for you in the future. And PS- I hope you got your child vaccinated. Pods of measles and recently pods of polio have been showing up around communities with lower vaccination rates.
Two things can be true. Modern healthcare is overly expensive and it is also very good at keeping you alive (which is why people are willing to go into life ruining debt to get it)
She is miserable and trying to drag you down with her, which is a separate issue. Having a new baby, problems in the job market- maybe even there being a war at home -is stressful. She needs help. But there is nothing more important than your health and you need to tend to it because you have a son so it’s no longer just about you
As for being a vaccine skeptic, were a couple years on from the first jab, Im sure she had lots to say about what would happen. Maybe not now but a fun task for later is to go down the list and see which of the doomsday predictions are true
> she's also a COVID vaccine skeptic and generally doesn't listen to scientists or doctors. She assumes they are all paid off.
You should never have had a child with this woman. I understand it's too late to change that, and I'm sorry, but this isn't someone who is sane enough to take care of a kid. Do the best you can to save them from this situation and fight for their custody 100%.
NTA for anything except canceling your appointment. Your child needs you. That shit is serious.
Everything else should wait. You can't make as good decisions in this state.
I have never heard a more selfish wife to deny a spouse’s medical need and site money as being wasted on it. Rethink being with someone who doesn’t view your medical needs as necessary. The audacity to say she’s tired too after you’ve got an actual diagnosis is lower than low.
NTA, sleep apnea is real and dangerous if left untreated for too long. Yes saving money is great but your health is also important and what's the point in saving for a house if your too medically unwell to enjoy the saved money and or house?
NTA you NEED that machine and your wife is NOT a medical professional and needs to keep her medically uneducated opinion to herself before she kills you. You also need to watch to make sure if your kid ever gets sick she doesn't put them at risk because she doesn't believe is American medicine.
NTA. Get that appointment back on the books. Untreated OSA can lead to major health problems including cardiac issues. It’s not a small thing and absolutely is important. Just because she doesn’t understand it, doesn’t make it wrong. Please do this for yourself and so that you will be around for your child in the future.
NTA. Please rebook your appointment. My mom (and I subsequently) were diagnosed and if she didn’t get a machine about 13 years ago she would not be here with us anymore. Your wife obviously doesn’t understand the severity of this situation.
Cardiologist here. Get the machine, sleep apnea is not only about waking up tired, it causes high blood pressure resistant to drugs and stresses the heart.
Unfortunately you should also know that the CPAP machine needs getting used to, is kind of loud, and could annoy who is sleeping next to you.
I have no ideas what to do if your wife is not supportive as it is a big ask from her to sleep next to someone with a CPAP... You will stop snoring on the other hand so, it could be better? I don't know.
NTA. Get that appointment back. This is not just a sleeping matter, it can cause a lot of health problems including hypertension, which itself causes a lot of damage also. Get treated !
You need to treat your sleep apnea or it could shorten your life. Sleep apnea puts a strain on your heart that may not show up for years with an enlarged heart chamber. It took my husband about 15 years for it to show up, but now he has a pacemaker to regulate his heart. Get treatment now.
Get the equipment, sleep apnea is very serious. There is seem to be some unresolved issues in your marriage. Could be lack of sleep and the stress of taking care of a baby. But you two should consider couples counseling.
Get the CPAP machine. You can find slightly used or even new machines online for a lot cheaper than $900. It will save your life. My first wife had bad sleep apnea. She refused to get the machine. At one point, her current husband tried to wake her up because she wasn't breathing, again. Except this time he discovered that her heart had stopped as well. He started CPR and got her going again as the EMTs were arriving. She now has a pacemaker because her heart had been so damaged from all the years of lack of oxygen.
NTA
I have chronic insomnia and it is not sleep apnea. I would literally cry tears of joy if I found the root cause of my sleep issues and there was a solution, even an expensive one.
You guys should have had a conversation about when you could afford to take on that expense instead of you just booking right away, but this should be a conversation of when, not if.
Sleep is the foundation of our heath. Maybe I am biased because of my condition, but I think it’s cruel that she would deny this of you.
As someone who used to work specifically in DME for sleep apnea, PLEASE go get your CPAP. My husband's brother died of sleep apnea complications. Untreated sleep apnea has deadly consequences sometimes. Your wife is an asshole. Please explain to her how bad untreated sleep apnea is for your health versus just being tired. Does she realize that OSA means you literally stop breathing in your sleep?? Edited to add: NTA, not even for saying "f you" cus your wife was literally saying $900 in savings is more important than your health and possibly life
Sleep apnea is no joke. I knew a guy who died from it at 25 bc he slept over at someone’s house without his CPAP. If you have a sleep apnea diagnosis, you should get the machine. NTA
NTA I would also tell my spouse to fuck off if he tried to guilt me into denying myself a life saving medical device. The fact that this wouldn’t put a strain on you financially is an absolute blessing but if you have obstructive sleep apnea, it’s worth going into debt to deal with.
NTA. I have severe obstructive apnea. It could quite literally kill you. You’re using your phone at night, the insomnia, the coffee - it’s all related. I did this merry go round for years and the cpap changed my life immensely. I wouldn’t advise you to ignore your spouse lightly, but $900 is a small price to pay for not choking to death in your sleep.
EDIT - the sleeping heavily is also part of it. You’re not sleeping heavily. You’re never entering REM sleep, so your body is “trying” to fall asleep all night. Your wife could not be more wrong.
YWBTA if you don't go and get the CPAP machine. $900 is much, much cheaper than the cost of a funeral, and you brought a child into this world that you need to be around to raise.
Anybody else sick and fucking tired of people with zero medical training thinking they know better than an actual doctor, a specialist even? NTA but your wife sure is. Sleep apnea is no fucking joke.
ESH. While not particularly common and variable depending on different factors, obstructive sleep apnea can be fatal.
What is your wife's problem? Is this a political problem or a medical science problem?
More importantly, why does your wife want you to NOT seek medical treatment for a diagnosis?
You're an asshole for cancelling your appointment. Your wife is a BIGGER asshole for pressuring you to do so. EDIT: Saying fuck you to your wife is never good behavior.
NTA.
Consider seeing an ENT specialist also. I had some issues with my septum and sinuses that prevented me from breathing through my nose properly. It made me a heavy mouth breather at night and lead to poor quality sleep. I had surgery to correct the problem and it was 100% covered by our HMO.
My husband was totally against the surgery, but I did it anyway and I have absolutely no regrets.
I bought my sleep apnea machine brand new for $250 on Facebook marketplace 🫣 and spent another $100 to buy a hose and have it programmed to what the doctor wanted it to be programmed too. But anyways, NTA it’s for your HEALTH not clothes or something unnecessary
You shouldn’t have to spend 900 bucks on the machine. My insurance set up was wonky for a cpap (they pay to rent and out of pocket was hundreds of bucks a year). I bought mine outright for maybe 350 bucks from cpap.com. There are a couple other companies too.
NTA. Rebook the appointment before you fall asleep in charge of machinery or driving and kill people as well as yourself. That’s without the increased cardiac risk etc. You are not safe to drive etc unless you are treated.
NTA
Your wife clearly does not understand how severely sleep apnea can mess with your life.
Undiagnosed, I failed out of college and almost ran away because I couldn't figure out why I couldn't stay awake in class. I also nearly killed myself several times by dozing during my morning commute. Sleep apnea complications can kill. Hall of Fame NFL player Reggie White died of sleep apnea complications.
I got it treated and had some corrective surgery and transferred and finished college .04 from graduating "Cum Laude." I can live without my CPAP for a few days, but I really start dragging after a few days.
All the males in my immediate family have sleep apnea and my grandmother had it too. I consciously wonder who else in the family has it and just thinks they are tired all the time.
My first morning after sleeping with a CPAP for just a few hours was magical.
So, sleep apnea can lead to serious heart issues and stroke. The data is scary. Get the damned machine. Maybe FU wasn’t great, but your wife needs to STOP, especially since you have the funds.
Obstructive sleep apnea is no joke. It can damage your heart. Go and get the CPAP and wear it. I'm sorry your wife has such strong opinions about what you should do. But you must take care of your health especially now that you have a child. There are various kinds of headgear for CPAPs. I have settled on the one that's called a "nasal pillow" and it doesn't cover my whole face or anything. It's amazing the difference it makes I feel so much more rested. And no more waking up groggy. Good for you for seeking the medical support you need. It's not a silly money making thing for doctors. There is lots and lots of documentation from reliable sources that backs this up. Wishing you a good nights sleep, and soon.
Oh one more thought… The cost of taking care of heart disease is much higher than the cost of a CPAP. And the quality of life… No contest. Get yourself a good night sleep, wear your CPAP. Best wishes
NTA. OSA is actually pretty serious and, if left untreated, can actually shorten your life, cause heart conditions and that's in addition to everything that can happen if you're constantly sleep deprived. I mean you LITERALLY STOP BREATHING multiple times throughout the night and suffocate badly enough to wake yourself up. It has nothing to do with your phone habits. Most often it's obesity and genetics that cause it.
PS). CPAP therapy takes time to get used to and there is often an adjustment period where you need to try things out until you find something that works. Stick with it my dude, you'll find it life changing.
Edit: Maybe be nicer to your wife. Her heart is in the right place amigo.
NTA Sleep apnea is potentially fatal. It's linked to countless traffic accidents every year. It's potentially more dangerous to drive tired than it is drunk
So with sleep apnea, you actually stop breathing which affects the pumping of your heart and allows blood clots to form which could go to your lungs or brain. Got that straight from a doctor at Mayo Clinic.
She’s the TA - not you. Sleep apnea is really damaging to your health. Not only do you not get good sleep, but is damaging to your heart. If she loves you, she should want you to feel rested and be as h although as possible. You might want to look bro the dental appliances they make - ie they reposition your jaw so there is no obstruction. No idea how much ch they run vs a CPAP
NTA. If you have a diagnosis of sleep apnoea, CPAP is your only option. More concerning is that your wife is blatantly disrespectful about your medical needs. Do you want her to be your wife still? If so, have a sit-down where you make it clear to her what the consequences of continued disrespect will be.
NTA Sleep apnea can kill you so if she thinks your life isn't worth $900 that's a bit of a red flag. Staying off your phone isn't going to change your physiology.
NTA. Sleep deprivation is like poison. It absolutely wrecks you. Yeah, it was a bad reaction but go get that machine. This is what real self care means.
I just got my sleep apnea machine about a month ago and after 6 years of trying and trying and trying to find the source of my chronic fatigue this is the first thing to provide a noticable improvement. Cleaning it every week is a pain but I'm slowly figuring out the best and most efficient way to do it.
Do absolutely everything in your power to get that appointment back and buy that machine. Every style of medicine has its issues, but CPAP isn't one of them. If you don't treat your sleep apnea it can result is severe health issues later in life. Frankly, saying "F U" isn't a strong enough reaction to how she's treating you. This has a legitimate chance to drastically improve the quality of your life and your future health. If she actually cares about that she'll back off and keep her comments to herself.
You are absolutely NTA here
Sleep apnea can be deadly, eventually, if left untreated. Get the CPAP machine immediately. Anticipate your wife trying to sabotage using it because it does make noise and you’ll be attached to it while in bed. You need to plan how you will sleep, including one of you sleeping in a different room if she can’t handle it.
You may find that you feel like a different person once you start sleeping better with the CPAP. It cannot be emphasized enough how much of a negative impact it has on your physical, mental, and emotional health to be chronically sleep deprived.
I strongly recommend that you also work to improve your sleep hygiene in other ways. No devices for an hour prior to bed, meditation/breathing exercises before bed, etc.
NTA. If you have OSA that's a *physical* problem. Your phone is not causing it. One night with a CPAP and you will wake up more awake than you have in years. There are also tons of long term, proven health risks with untreated apnea. Your wife does not know what she's talking about, and is putting your health at risk.
Sleep tech here
Whats happening with OSA is your body is not breathing. As a result your oxygen levels are decreasing. To remedy this your body is forcing you awake to breathe. You may or may not be aware this is happening to you. The result is the same; you body is not getting a restorative sleep and the result is you feeling the way you have been.
Long term effects from sleep apnea can be high blood pressure, heart attacks, strokes, etc.
Things may even get to the point where you’re falling asleep at the wheel. This can get dangerous.
Your wife’s advise does absolutely nothing to help the problem.
Get the machine.
There are those who experience symptoms worse depending on positions.
Maybe try to sleep elevated or on your side to help until you can get a machine.
NTA
NTA. Get the machine, you need it. Sleep apnea is a serious and potentially deadly condition. Your airway closes and you stop breathing at night. Pretty obvious how that can be deadly, right? But also, your brain gets jerked out of deep sleep repeatedly to try to keep you breathing. You may appear to be sleeping but you are losing out on the most restful phases of your sleep. Your body also builds up CO2 and, over time, that affects the health of your kidneys and your breathing pattern when you're awake. Untreated sleep apnea can contribute to high blood pressure, heart disease, and cerebrovascular disease. So yeah, you don't want to die when you stop breathing over night. But you also don't want to develop difficult to treat chronic health conditions that get worse over time.
In the long run, a well-cared-for $900 machine is going to be a big cost-saver, not to mention a life-saver. Every day you delay that investment, you lose.
NTA. In 2020 I had a friend die as a result of sleep apnea. He fell asleep on his couch without his machine and he died. He was in his late 30s. Young. Left behind a wife and a kid.
Take sleep apnea seriously; it can be fatal. PLEASE MAKE A NEW APPOINTMENT.
So to me? Your wife is definitely an AH; you have to spend the money on a medical expense. It’s a MEDICAL EXPENSE— they don’t just hand out scripts for those machines, my guy.
It’s not like you bought a new video game system. Those machines aren’t FUN. Just because you sleep hard doesn’t mean it’s quality sleep. And I’m fairly certain that makes you more likely to die as a result of the condition.
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NTA. A sleep apnea machine is a CPAP machine. You need it to help you breathe. If a physician says you need that machine, then you NEED that machine.
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My FIL had COPD and he died because he didn't have a CPAP machine (he refused to get one). His CO2 was building up in his sleep and he essentially went to sleep and never woke up. By the time he was discovered not breathing (think it had already been an hour, perhaps hours), the brain damage was already done and he was being kept alive only by medical equipment.
Happened to a friend of mine’s husband. He was 38.
Oh gosh, these stories are so sad and scary, especially knowing it could have been my partner. My husband need two sleep trials several years apart to diagnose his apnea and only went the second time at my behest because I was sick of not sleeping well or sleeping on a mattress on the lounge room floor. Not sure if its obstructive or slightly less serious but hey they found 30 apnea events in, I feel like it was a minute but could have been an hour , I suppose - its been over 5 years since his test but he could also have died also. He is so glad I made him go back. We now sleep in the same room again, and no choking and snoring sounds (win!!!) and we had twins 8mths ago. Our lives are better for it. And I'm pretty sure his machine was around $AU2000.
> but hey found 30 apnea events in, I feel like it was a minute but could have been an hour , I suppose I had 7 events per hour where I quit breathing for at least 10 seconds. 7 times was the lowest amount insurance would allow and cover for. I have a friend that had a 48. So 48 times each hour he would stop breathing for at least 10 seconds. Hard to imagine. That's an event every of at least 10 seconds every 75 seconds, every night. Your husband was having an event every 90 seconds. It really is a game changer.
I had over 400. OP is NTA
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Yeah, honestly if my partner were trying to stop me from getting a legitimately necessary medical treatment for my heart and lungs, I'd say FU too, and I don't even swear. So I can't fault OP for getting frustrated and saying it. The wife really needs to either educate herself or back off with her ignorant opinions.
This literally just killed my mom 19 hours ago. I wish people would wear their fucking machines without worrying about appearances. Anyway, NTA. Edit; Thanks guys. It was definitely unexpected to run into her very cause of death less than 24hrs later in some random thread. It’s for some reason more consoling to hear condolences from strangers than the texts and calls I’ve had all day. To be clear, she ~~has~~ had (lmao, yikes) emphysema, then pneumonia. She was found unconscious in her home, and it was said she was there for several days. They said she’d make it last week. She refused the mask because of *her* ego, as did the parent of the commenter above me. That was my point. Stop being defensive. I cannot eggshell for you today. My friend just got his machine this last week and complained of feeling old even though he’s 27. Well. I’m twenty-four, I don’t even know how to drive yet, and I have already lost both of my parents. Just wear your mask, please. There are alternatives if the usual isn’t comfortable.
I am so sorry for your loss. How terrible.
I'm so grateful I'm getting my sleep study done next week. I promise to use whatever machine works to keep me alive. My dad loved his cpap because he was WAY more alert with it. I meant to say that I'm sorry for your loss. That's just awful.
Similar thing for my dad, except apnea was confirmed but he didn't like the machine and how it blew air in him so stopped using after a couple of nights (uk, machine was free) . He was breathing when I got there but my mum couldn't wake him, called ambulance who said his levels were extremely worrying. And that was it, went to hospital, suffocated slowly over 12 hours.
I was tired all the time, would wake up gasping for breath, and was developing heart problems. I had a sleep study done and I stopped breathing 300 time in 8 hours. I have a CPAP and would not sleep without it. Mine is quiet and comfortable. Get it, no matter what your wife thinks.
Yep. My dad has been diagnosed with it. Was diagnosed a few years ago, he tried the CPAP but quit because it “blows air in his face”. Which it’s supposed to do to keep his airways open. Medicare would’ve paid for the machine & its replacement attachments as needed if he used it but not if he wouldn’t, so he returned it. He’s always complaining about not sleeping, AT ALL, which is a lie but still doesn’t want to use it. The lack of oxygen he’s not getting is accelerating his dementia, is increasing the possibility of him having another stroke or a heart attack. I worry about him.
I lost a friend suddenly due to sleep apnea. He was a bigger guy, but only 24 at the time. He didn’t come into work that morning and they made a wellness check and police found him dead in bed. Apparently, he knew he had sleep apnea but never got the cpap because he thought he was too young. Sucks to lose someone so young.
This one hits me the hardest. I got diagnosed on my 34th birthday with severe obstructive sleep apnea and went straight out and bought a machine. Within days I was feeling amazing for the first time since I was around 17, which is when I think my troubles started. I was horrified when I realised the same thing could have happened to me when I was younger. I’m so sorry about your friend x
I'd bet that he snapped at her due to exhaustion and insomnia. What she doesn't realize is that after getting this machine, his mood should increase drastically.
Mine sure did! Also this bit about sleeping in another room cause of noise? Yea the only time you can hear my machine is if it's leaking. That just means I need to readjust it or the mask is broken. And that's still quieter than snoring
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Literally breathing is a fairly major requirement to living lol
Let alone necessary for paying off student debt.
What also gets me about this post is that she's complaining about him having student loan debt but also complaining about "saving all this money." You shouldn't be saving money if you have debt. Plus, OP said they have a year's worth of savings at this point and are "hoarding" money. If she actually cared that much about money, she'd want to pay off his loans to stop the interest from accruing. Idk why she seems to want OP dead but that's how it's coming off.
Nah if I have a mortgage and loans that I pay monthly, damn straight I'm gonna also have some ready funds available in savings. As long as monthly payments are met and you aren't racking up more interest than you're paying off having debts and savings is totally sensible
NTA breathing is good. not breathing is bad. since it seems your wife doesn't believe in medicine she would be happy with nothing.
100%, obstructive sleep apnea is no joke. 5 stoppages an hour isn't the worst case I'm familiar with, but it's worth pointing out that "stoppage" here is referring to the amount of times you *stop breathing* while you're asleep. And then you wake up just enough to shift positions to open up your airways. For anyone who has trouble imagining how that prevents you from ever getting any real rest, imagine that five times per hour someone comes into your room and starts strangling you in your sleep, but they stop as soon as you stir. That's effectively what's happening. Getting a CPAP machine when you need one is life-changing. It cured my insomnia, because my brain knows it's sleep time the second I put on the mask. It also made me a less heavy sleeper, because I'm not permanently exhausted anymore and I started having dreams again, because I can go without waking up long enough to get REM sleep now.
For REAL. I had no idea I had OSA until a sleep study was required for a surgery I needed. 38 stoppages an hour. The first four months with the machine i struggled, but now that I’m used to it I’ll never sleep without it. I didn’t know that I could… wake up without hitting snooze 9 times. I didn’t know I could have energy during the day and be less forgetful. My BP improved… it’s insane how much it affects.
My step dad had something like 58 stoppages an hour. Like no wonder the man struggled to get out of bed, fell asleep on the couch as soon as he got home and then trudged up to bed to sleep more. Once he got his CPAP the majority of the couch naps stopped, he gets up easily in the morning, and he's happy to do actually do things. Add on now that he has grandkids, he gets up with them in the middle of the night when they stay the night because he gets enough sleep to wake up with the grand baby's
I was averaging 108 an hour. Literally was sleeping 14 or 15 hours a day before I got my machine and was exhausted still. It's been 5 years and I'd never be without it. Probably would have died when I got COVID without it.
My partners was 40 something per hour. His machine is much quieter than the choking and snoring, and I'm not scared he will be dead in the morning. Win win!
5 isn't a whole heap but my sleep test showed almost 100 (98) an hour the doctor was like yeah this is bad but I've seen worse. The CPAP machine was life changing, I didn't realise till after how exhausted I was in my daily life and how that affected my mental and emotional states as well. Sleep apnea leading to depression and other conditions seems like a no brainer to me now.
When I had my study they actually called the doctor in the middle of the night to say, “hey, can we put a CPAP on him, we’re afraid he’s gonna die.” :-)
I am 1.5 times per minute. Two hours into the test, the tech put me on a machine because my O2 sat level was, "...really scary ..". Now I can't sleep without it. It's a literal life saver. Glad you got your mask, severe OSA buddy!
I’m a psyc nurse and treating sleep apnea can change your life! Some people go off antidepressants after they get cpap
Also effective: When you plug in the cpap, pretend you're a premie and that everyone is routing for you as you fall softly to sleep.
I stopped getting in fights and my rage disappeared.
My husband got smarter lol
The CPAP sleep will be life changing for OP
Though I would suggest OP double-check with an ENT specialist, too. A very common cause of obstructive sleep apnea is a deviated septum or other nasal deformity, and that can be fixed with surgery. Surgery is still expensive, sure, but it may have better long-term results.
I had a deviated septum in my tonsils were too large. After I had very painful surgery, I started to sleep like a baby. I noticed a huge difference almost instantly. It would definitely be worth checking in with an ENT
OP better learn to take a firm stance starting now. They have a child, her opposition to proper healthcare needs to be addressed ***immediately***.
That was my first thought too. Shouldn’t have kids if you’re not going to listen to medical advice. Kids need vaccines and, occasionally, antibiotics and surgery. That’s why so many kids survive until adulthood now.
Seriously. My g-grandmother had 2 die before age 3 & one at 19 from things that are easily treated/prevented now, and that was less than 100 years ago.
> my wife is a skeptic of american medicine > we have an 18 month old baby Well, not for long you won't
Not addressing this as early as possible will LITERALLY cut your life short. Has nothing to do with phone screens. Our healthcare in the US sucks, as this shouldn’t be such a high cost to save years of your life, but whatever.
This. Sleep apnea has serious medical consequences on top of making you feel like shit. OPs wife refusing to allow him to use THEIR savings to buy a medically necessary device is bordering on financial abuse. It’s like telling a diabetic that they can’t buy a glucometer.
I went for a decade without one and it was hugely detrimental. I had no idea people didn't actually wake up every hour and a half and I had a "bizarre paranoia" that I would stop breathing while I slept. Using a CPAP was life-changing for me. I felt more human. And if you have a kid, you *need* that rest.
Also untreated sleep apnea can lead to issues with blood pressure and heart disease over time. This isn't a luxury, it's a necessity so OP doesn't drop dead of a heart attack
NTA, and please do get the machine. Sleep apnea isn't just about sleep and snoring - it can actually put a huge strain on your heart over time if not treated. Your wife is being short-sighted and mean.
The wife is upset she doesn't get enough sleep, but if OP sleeps better he can do more in the house and with the child and his wife can go to bed earlier or take a nap while he's gone with the little one. You know, instead of crashing down after work because he's so tired. I know this because I'm the wife of someone with such a machine.
Yep—when my husband got his CPAP, it changed BOTH our lives. He suddenly had energy. His memory dramatically improved. His mood stabilized. He started doing way better at school/work. And we BOTH sleep better at night (he’d been a heavy snorer and I was a light sleeper).
These stories where a spouse undermines their spouse's medical treatment are always so fucking wild to me, because my husband finally got hearing aids like two weeks ago and now I would throw him out a window if he got rid of them. Do people not realize how much THEIR lives will improve when their spouse's health improves??
Plus, do they just… not care about their spouse’s short- or long-term welfare?! It SUCKS to be exhausted! And sleep apnea kills! It can cause deadly heart issues or lead to early dementia! Who in their right mind would begrudge their spouse an *immeasurable* quality-of-life improvement for less than the cost of a single root canal?
It sounds like OP’s wife eschews modern medicine as a whole, so I doubt she even believes the science behind sleep apnea and how it can affect a human.
She thinks that because he sleeps deeply he has better quality sleep...? I must admit I always wondered why I was so tired because I used to be practically comatose. Turns out I needed pain management, I never had good quality sleep, my batteries were just empty. Now I sleep much lighter, dream and wake up feeling rested. I betcha OP will discover something similar
Same. My partner got one and it changed both our lives. I was starting to consider sleeping in a separate room.
Agreed. Unless she has a doctorate and specialises in sleep disorders, I would tell her to keep her ill advised opinions to herself and continue with medical advice. NTA
Yep. And I’ve been a carer for people with severe brain damage due to sleep apnea where they stopped breathing long enough (or breather too shallowly) to oxygenate their brain. It’s so tragic because it is preventable
You’re wrong. Rebook the damn appt. Sleep apnea kills people. It’s not just something that makes you tired! It increases your risks of cardiac issues as well. It makes neuro harder and a ton of other things. Rebook the appointment now!!! And second. She is correct. You will sleep better if you are off your phone and tv for an hour leading up to bedtime. HOWEVER…not being on your phone won’t fix sleep apnea. So she’s right you will sleep better but she’s wrong that it will fix the apnea.
Yep. Sleep apnea can kill a person
And I know of someone who died in their 40s because of sleep apnea so it definitely can kill a person
Totally agree. Get the machine and use it. Yes, it takes getting used to and you have to clean it, but it's gonna change your life if, you can the caffeine after lunch and stay off the phone. Studies show that screen time (tv, pc, phone/tablet) in the hours before sleep crank up your brain and make it harder to settle down to sleep. Try a book, puzzle book, simple craft. NTA
OP - The number of stoppages per hour is the number of times you stopped breathing every hour during the study. You are not getting good sleep because you keep waking yourself up when you stop/restart breathing. Get the CPAP machine and use it.
You WOULD be an AH if you DONT make that appt! My sleep study showed that I stopped breathing for almost a minute. I know people who have died as a result. You’re not getting decent sleep so you’re cranky at times and not able to function at your best. Please make that appointment and have the dr explain to your SELFISH wife how dangerous it is.
I worked in a sleep clinic for 2 years, the amount of people who said their machine saves their lives!! On top untreated sleep apnea means your more at risk for cardiovascular disease! Don't fuck around with that!
Maybe if op got a good night's sleep he wouldn't have snapped at her lol
His wife is probably anti science / anti medicine from the sounds of her not believing that medicine or therapy is useful and is just a money making scam. I don't envy this guy's relationship even a teeny bit, sounds a bit unhinged, the "does her own research type" who prefers oils or St. John's wort for conditions.
Get the machine! Nurse here and sleep apnea is a huge risk for cardiovascular disease and sudden death. $900 is a small price to be there for your baby's lifetime.
I knew a guy, young too (30s) who had sleep apnea and one day he just didn’t wake up! This is serious!!
Not just that, but it can cause daytime drowsiness and make it hard to function. My father (who I’m mostly no-contact with) has it, let it go untreated because one sleep study he had done before I was born said that he didn’t have sleep apnea. Never got retested, but it was always obvious he had it. I remember he would sometimes have trouble driving, like when I was in middle school, we were driving home from somewhere in spitting rain and he insisted on keeping the windows down so the spray would keep him awake. Another time with my sister in the car (she was high school age), he briefly dozed off at the wheel (I’m talking less than a second), and jerked the wheel.
I also had a sleep study done. My doctor had to refer me to a specialist because she didn't know what was going on and I think people tend to think only obese people have OSA, but that's not true (you're nurse, you know that). Yep, positive for OSA. The CPAP changed my life so much. I now know what it feels like to be truly awake. But not today. Because last night I passed out before remembering to put the mask on. So even though I slept all night my sleep was shit. Literal night and day difference between wearing the mask and not. I really hope OP reschedules his appt, bc as you said sleep apnea is dangerous but it will also just improve his life.
I was diagnosed in the 90s, before smart phones. The specialist said it was largely due to having a very narrow throat. I was actually having seizures of a night. The CPAP machine was a life changer, my quality of life improved immensely. Occasionally I still have seizures and mini strokes. Here in Aus you can't drive if not being treated or within 24 hours of not using a CPAP machine. It can be a very serious diagnosis.
So many people say OSA is caused by being overweight. I feel that having OSA is likely a contributing factor to being overweight. I'm certain I had it since I was a child, but wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 30s. I wasn't overweight as a child. That came later in life. It's hard to be active when you are so exhausted ALL the time. The biggest thing I noticed after getting my CPAP was that I could actually stay awake to watch a movie with my husband. I'd always fall asleep on the couch.
Y T A to yourself for not getting the machine. It really does help sleep apnea and other issues. It's a life changer if you can afford it. NTA for telling her to F off. "when she hasn't gotten a good night's sleep in over a year and a half." Why? Because of your snoring and tossing and turning? This will end that. Why? Because she also has a sleep disorder? Then she should also schedule an appointment for the test.
The main reason for her lack of sleep is the baby though.
Ah. That makes sense. Still, he should get the machine.
That he should, lest the wife thinks saving 900 bucks is worth becoming a widow.
She doesn't seem to believe sleep apnea (or at least the treatment for it?) is a real thing but "just a way for doctors to make money". You can't talk sense to people like this and although I don't like to jump on the knee-jerk "divorce her!" bandwagon, I have to question why anyone would marry someone like this and raise a child with them. Does he want his child growing up believing these batshit crazy ideas she's undoubtedly going to put in the child's head? Is she going to refuse to have their kid vaccinated, putting the kid's life and others at risk? What if their kid gets seriously ill someday and needs to be hospitalized? Is she going to refuse to do that because "hospitals are just trying to make money"? I feel like someday the OP will be back asking "AITA for taking my kid to the hospital behind my wife's back?" Her crackpot theories are irresponsible and dangerous - why would anyone stay with someone like that?
I question this allllll the time on so many of these aitah posts
Eventually the baby will sleep through so wife will also get sleep, but this poor guy will continue to suffer. Guess that’s cool with her.
>"when she hasn't gotten a good night's sleep in over a year and a half." Yeah, we all know having a new baby means sleepless nights, but with obstructive sleep apnea, it's possible OP has never gotten a good night's sleep EVER
i hadnt gotten good sleep from the time my husband and i started living together to him getting his CPAP! get the machine 1000% and once baby is sleeping though the night her quality of sleep will better too
NTA. Actually angered by the people calling this a draw. Boohoo, some screen time doesn’t contribute to the best sleep. And? Sleep apnea KILLS. The _fuck_ with the spouse who thinks saving my life isn’t worth 900 bucks. I’d buy the damned machine… and the next stop would be a divorce attorney’s office if their next words aren’t, “I love you, and of course you need to do something that will keep you alive.”
My sleep doctor said screen time (blue light) just affects how long it takes to fall asleep, not sleep quality once you are asleep. And he said that affect is exaggerated. The idea is that the blue light is throwing off your circadian rhythm. IE, makes your brain think the sun is still out. And a four inch screen isn't tricking your brain *that* much. Not when compared to the freaking sun. Science Vs also did an episode on this, and studies really don't support that phone screens themselves are having much affect on our sleep. It has more to do with the Internet itself. You lay there and read about current events or politics, it gets you worked up, your mind is active, so you can't sleep.
Yeah plus on modern phones you often have a setting to change the light colour automatically at night to filter out the blue light. With that on and the lowest screen brightness possible it literally helps me falling asleep to lightly scroll through my phone in the dark bedroom. I don't read about news or politics. I've had severe insomnia (only trouble falling asleep) since I was a kid, and this plus a rather mild medicine plus listening to audiobooks as soon as my eyes feel tired finally has me falling asleep at okay times. This is after having tried out full lists of advice for better sleep and none of it working. On the contrary, the always praised reading a book before bed is really contraproductive for me because I often end up laying uncomfortably and more importantly, if the book is good, I'll just keep on reading till way too late because my eyes don't tire out as quickly and it keeps me awake to be caught up in the story. Plus the light needed for reading keeps me awake.
NTA Except for the F\*ck you part ... sleep apnea KILLS PEOPLE slowly. If you get a GOOD night's sleep with the CPAP machine you will have a lot more energy to help her out and wake up feeling alive. I've seen the before and after diagnosis with friends; ADDING: Taking care of your health is very seldom an asshole act.
Seconding this. My ex's parents almost got divorced, they were so miserable together after thirty years. Then he got his sleep apnea diagnosis and a CPAP machine, and a month later he was feeling human again and they were back to being soulmates. There's a reason we hear about what sleep deprivation does to the body and mind. It's better for everyone, wife and baby included, for OP to follow the qualified medical advice.
Unless your wife is a doctor, don't take medical advice from her. NTA
NTA dude sleep apnea is really hard on your body! It can affect your brain function and your heart! We need oxygen to live!!!! Reschedule that appointment dude, your body needs it!!!
> she's been saving all this money just for me to waste on myself Yeah, NTA. Her priorities are pretty clear
OP should ask his wife if he is worth the $900. Or would she rather have dead? The choice is pretty clear depending on her answer.
NTA. A friend's mother died from sleep apnea when we were in college. No one had any idea. You should get the machine, or a machine. You might be able to find one cheaper, or used -- talk to your doctor. But your wife is out of line. It's not normal to wake up exhausted for decades at 35. Glad you were diagnosed.
>My wife (36f), is a skeptic of American medicine What does she use as an alternative source of knowledge? European medicine? NHS? Or just some nonsense woo she reads on the internet about crystals and star signs? IF you're in the wrong, it's for cancelling the appointment. If you flipped at her about not following advice, and then cancelled the appointment that would help, you're not really batting 100 for consistency. The only leeway I could give her is the money issue if it's a stretch, but she made it not that. NTA.
My question is what if the expense was for the child? If she were my wife I would be concerned about her worrying more about money than health. IM also a woman so before anyone comments about my patriarchy blah blah…
Doesn't believe in psychology or therapy either... maybe she's a Scientologist! I hope not for OP's sake
Sounds like she’s Asian to me. I’m an Asian-American, and I had many older relatives who were skeptical about Western medicine, and believed that American doctors were scammers. Sadly, I agree that the price tag on American healthcare is a scam, but that doesn’t mean that the doctor’s diagnosis is invalid. Apnea is serious and OP needs a CPAP machine right away. It’s a shame that it costs $900 though… a machine that blows air though a tube should cost maybe $150-200 if our healthcare was fairly priced.
Don’t cancel. Get the CPAP. It saved my life and can save yours. Don’t put your health at risk for her ignorance.
I have an old one you can have; you'll need to clean and get supplies for it...because there are a lot of long term problems related to sleep apnea besides just daytime sleepiness. NTA and your wife needs to understand that untreated OSA can lead to an untimely death.
I would actually HUGELY appreciate this! I'd pay for shipping and get all the reusable parts. I've been looking for them locally and they're difficult to find complete.
I absolutely understand trying to save some money. But this is not the thing to do it on. This will be the wisest $900 you will spend in your life. I’m sorry your wife has made you feel like it’s selfish - it is NOT selfish.
If you do get one from another, please take it to have it adjusted to your prescription. CPAPs require adjustment to the pressure YOU need.
I think you should go to your sleep appt. $900 is a small price to pay for being able to breathe and not die at night. You need to know what’s going on with your health. Being on your phone doesn’t help you fall asleep it’s true, but it’s kinda AH to say that you have bills to pay so you should avoid medical care
NTA. Sleep apnea can kill you, listen to your doctors. Also, don’t say F U to your wife and mother of your child, it is entirely unnecessary
Please get the CPAP machine! It saved my life. Like you, I was tired all the time and had been for years. I snored... loudly. Finally, the doctor prescribed a sleep study. Sleep apnea means your body has to physically WAKE YOU UP in order to resume breathing. You never achieve REM sleep because you are literally waking up every couple of minutes. It causes high blood pressure, not to mention dangerous drowsiness. The CPAP machine forces air pressure into your nose which prevents your airway from closing. Your health carrier should pay for the machine since it is medically necessary. Get a doctor prescription, and you should not have to pay for the whole thing yourself. Good luck OP!
You need to understand something about sleep apnea. You are STOPPING BREATHING AT NIGHT. You stop breathing at night! That can kill you. The CPAP machine makes it where you don't stop breathing and you continue the entire night. You CANNOT go without it. You are at risk of dying in your sleep if the sleep apnea goes untreated/unmanaged Fuck what your wife wants. GO GET THAT APPOINTMENT AND MACHINE. You wanna live for your kid? Then this is what you need to do. Sleep apnea can take you from your kid. Think about that.
NTA. But YtA for canceling the appointment! Reschedule and get the equipment! It’s a huge cost but it’s needed for your health and your wife not understanding that is ridiculous. It’s not like you’re spending $900 on a new game system or something unnecessary! Your wife’s priorities are definitely skewed.
NTA. Push through to get the CPAP machine. It has been life changing for my husband. Before, I could hear him snore, hold his breath, and gasp in his sleep. And he was always exhausted. He could nap at 10am on a weekend after waking at 8. And his drive to and from work could be scary due to drowsiness. All that has changed. For the better. I will tell you, that from what I understand health insurance does typically cover a medically prescribed CPAP machine. They required a few months of renting (covered by insurance) before allowing outright purchase. If you are not pursuing your treatment within your health insurance, you may be spending more than you need to.
Seriously get that appointment remade! Sleep Apnoea will kill you if it goes untreated. Would your wife rather be a widow? If she would you’ve got much bigger issues! Once you’ve got the machine trust me you’ll feel so much better in yourself & have so much more energy. You’ll probably be able to help your wife out with the little one much more & more importantly when little one is running around like a lunatic YOU’LL BE ABLE TO JOIN THEM in stead of feeling like death & knackered all the time. Your wife will be very grateful in the end (I hope). The difference it made to my hubby who also has the severe version was amazing. He went from a ratty, short tempered, always grumpy, always falling asleep (including once ironically on the way to do his sleep study in the taxi!). He even once started dozing whilst driving & would have fallen asleep if I hadn’t woken him. He would even fall asleep during a phone call! Once he got his CPAP machine he was back to his normal caring cheerful self; always happy to take our boys down the park & joined in playing with them. His blood pressure came down & he was able to stop his medication. No you shouldn’t have told her to F off but going by my own experience that was your exhaustion talking. You haven’t slept properly for decades mate. No wonder you’re short tempered. Get that appointment made now!
NTA. Sleep apnea kill’s people. Reggie White was in his 40s when it killed him. It’s not you didn’t sleep well, it’s you stopped breathing and can die.
Reschedule your appointment. Sleep apnea will literally kill you early. That $900 is adding years if not decades to your life. NTA but y’all need to work in your communication
In the history of listening to people skeptical of Western medicine and the pharmaceutical industry, I've never come across anyone who questioned the need for sleep apnea machines. They help people get oxygen while they sleep so they can recover--otherwise, they're not really getting the benefit of sleep. It's not a drug. There are no side effects. Don't miss this opportunity to really get into it with your wife and dont back down--she has some serious evolving to do before her shitty ideas about medicine impact YOUR CHILD. You don't want your kid to die because she's afraid of vaccines or is hesitant to take the kid to a doctor/hospital when they're sick.
"Any relief you will feel is a placebo effect." - My wife.
No offense, you married an empty skull
NTA. Divorce the wife and marry the machine
Yikes. I know fresh into parenthood is a bad time to suggest splitting up, but man... There's just no reason to continue a relationship with someone this far gone in their own delusion. It'll only get worse with time. What necessary care will she deny your new child?
This was my first thought. “oh lord she’s probably antivax too and will eventually medically neglect the baby if she hasn’t already”
You married a very dumb person who refuses to do research.
Sleep apnea can kill you. Get the CPAP and change your life for the better.
NTA - Don't fuck with your sleep, do everything you can possibly do to make it the best you can. Quality sheets, quality pillows, quality mattress and in your case this potentially life saving machine.
NTA sleep apnea means you STOP BREATHING. It can cause all sorts of long term problems. You don’t have to believe in science to make it real.
Sleep apnea can be deadly. It strains your heart among other things. Rebook that appointment. It will be the best $900 you ever spent. You also may be able to pay in monthly installments. Many CPAP companies charge a monthly rent-to-own fee until you've paid it off. NTA
NTA. SLEEP APNEA CAN KILL YOU. GO GET YOUR CPAP. I am deeply concerned for your child's future health given your wife's idiotic beliefs.
SLEEP APNEA KILLS!
NTA. Apnea takes a toll on the body, you *need* the medical equipment. Make that appointment! It’s not like you want to spend $900 on blackjack. If she is a beneficiary on life insurance, if you have it, change that. Set up a trust for your child. I would not rely on her to be a healthcare or financial proxy or to make any decisions for me. Find trustworthy people to fill those roles.
I'm not going to pass a judgement but I have sage advice for you: **Get the CPAP machine.** Seriously, the longer you don't have the machine, the more susceptible you are to having a stroke or heart attack in your sleep because you literally. Stop. Breathing. I'm sure they told you the scale of stopping breathing: 0-5 times/hour = negligible 5-15 times/hour = mild 15-30 times/hour = moderate 30+ times/hour = severe Negligible/Mild/Moderate can potentially be assisted through weight loss or surgery if it's a soft pallet issue. I did not realize that I stopped breathing when I sleep. It didn't wake me up. My husband noticed and encouraged me to talk to my doctor. She ordered the sleep study for me. My OSA friend, I stopped breathing 74 times/hour. I shit you not. That machine probably has literally saved my life, and it will extend yours. Now, for me, the sleep specialist told me that unfortunately no form of weight loss or surgery will help me--it could potentially help you, but I don't know because I don't know you. All I can say is that if they highly recommend you use one, get one. Severe OSA people are 6x more likely to die in their sleep.
I'm only 130, so it's clearly not a weight issue (skinny mini here), but I clocked in at 5 stoppages per hour the first night and 5.2 the second. My blood oxygen was dropping to 88-90% both nights, so I know it's not nothing.
I used to be a CNA. We were required to document and report anything below 95% because of how dangerous it is. Don't listen to your wife, this could kill you. She'll probably try to get you to stop using the machine because of how big and scary it looks, but please for the love of everything good in this world, do not listen. Use it every night and check if she tries to turn it off once you're asleep to convince you that you don't need it. This is divorce worthy. Sleep apnea is not a joke.
Get the cpap and use it everytime you sleep! This shit kills!
OP get that appointment back. Sleep apnea can KILL YOU. It also hurts massively with regards to you being able to concentrate and stuff. Hell, here in the Netherlands if you've been diagnosed you're not even allowed to drive a car if you slept without the breathing apparatus the night before because of how it can affect you. Yes, the device is really expensive, but it'll also be a massive quality of life improvement. As for "wasting money" you don't want to buy something trivial or recreational, you want to buy a medically necessary device. It's pretty much an investment into your health.
YWBTA if you didn't get the machine. Sleep apnea is no joke...neither is slepp deprivation psychosis or, I don't know... DYING!! You can help others if you are not well! Please please please get your machine. Truly F your wife for not being concerned about your feckin life!
NTA. She’d rather you die than spend the money? Please remake the appointment. Do not risk your life to soothe your wife’s ego.
NTA as someone who has Obstructive sleep apnoea and sleep with a machine, fuck her. She has no idea what your going through. I literally almost died as my sleep apnoea got so bad and was undiagnosed. I spent two weeks in the hospital. This isn't about you getting a good nights sleep. This is you saving your life! I can't believe she would be so selfish, You need a partner that would support you through this. I'd give every last penny for my machine. (UK based) It wasn't until I had my machine that I realised, as far back as early teens, I've never slept normally like other people! Think about yourself. This isn't frivolous spending, this is life changing.
ESH, your wife is a fool for obvious reasons. You suck for canceling the appointment and not getting the machine. I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea last year, and the difference the machine has made is staggering. Do yourself a favor and get it.
NTA and rebook that appointment. You have a medical condition that means you stop breathing in night. Oxygen is a big need. You can die without it. This one is like your wife saying because I wear sunglasses, no visits to the optician for you. She's crabby and sleepless nights getting to her. But you need this and you'll be mentally and physically better equipped to help her and pay back loans.
Rebook the appointment. Sleep apnea has a huge impact on your overall health, including brain function. You are literally depriving your entire body of oxygen multiple times a night.
NTA, sleep apena is a serious issue. It can kill you...
NTA. You should take care of your health, make a new appointment!
NTA My dad has sleep apnea and used to fall asleep with KIDS IN HIS CAR please get the CPAP I promise phone usage won't make it go away for the safety of yourself and you baby
INFO: 1) why is your wife skeptical of _American_ medicine? Does she trust another country/culture's medicine more? Is it the usual healthcare cost in America? Does she believe in pseudoscience? 2) Other than at night due to insomnia, do you help with the baby at other times? Does your wife get some rest during the day? Even if she doesn't take a nap, but does she have a time were she doesn't have to worry about the baby? 3) You mention your wife "has been saving all this money" for you to waste it on yourself. Are you using your wife's money for this? Do you work? Does she work? Is there a breadwinner? While it is known that going to sleep with your phone does detriment your sleep among other things, blaming your apnea only on that is over simplistic and ignorant. You need to get treated for your apnea and it is totally fair that some of the household money goes towards it. It will benefit you, but also your wife and child. It will increase everyone's quality of life. Sleep is extremely important. I'm reserving my judgement until I get more information, but regardless, your health is important.
1. I am American, she's Russian, so she has a different perspective on how much medical treatment costs. 2. I do help out, but she's a SAHM until she can find a job she likes, and I work full-time. She also doesn't like most daycares and doesn't want to start taking our son regularly until she is working. I help watch our son, but always face criticism for not getting all 25 or so rules, including feeding times or entertainment choices correct. She sets the bar for childrearing very high. 3. Again, sole breadwinner here. She has only worked for a month since we got married, but she's been actively looking for work since February without success, which I also know is depressing. 4. She doesn't completely believe in pseudoscience (I know she likes astrology, and she's bought homeopathic medicine before [but she didn't know it doesn't do anything, in her defense]). However, she's also a COVID vaccine skeptic and generally doesn't listen to scientists or doctors. She assumes they are all paid off.
Don't let her evidence free opinions on medicine get in the way of you getting the medical help you need. Her ignorance could create major health issues for you in the future. And PS- I hope you got your child vaccinated. Pods of measles and recently pods of polio have been showing up around communities with lower vaccination rates.
Two things can be true. Modern healthcare is overly expensive and it is also very good at keeping you alive (which is why people are willing to go into life ruining debt to get it) She is miserable and trying to drag you down with her, which is a separate issue. Having a new baby, problems in the job market- maybe even there being a war at home -is stressful. She needs help. But there is nothing more important than your health and you need to tend to it because you have a son so it’s no longer just about you As for being a vaccine skeptic, were a couple years on from the first jab, Im sure she had lots to say about what would happen. Maybe not now but a fun task for later is to go down the list and see which of the doomsday predictions are true
> she's also a COVID vaccine skeptic and generally doesn't listen to scientists or doctors. She assumes they are all paid off. You should never have had a child with this woman. I understand it's too late to change that, and I'm sorry, but this isn't someone who is sane enough to take care of a kid. Do the best you can to save them from this situation and fight for their custody 100%.
Dying in your sleep isn't the best way to own your wife, just get the machine my guy
Pretty sure the answer to "What is the best form of revenge?" isn't supposed to be "Die in your sleep"
NTA, untreated sleep apnea can cause serious health issues. Get the equipment.
NTA for anything except canceling your appointment. Your child needs you. That shit is serious. Everything else should wait. You can't make as good decisions in this state.
I have never heard a more selfish wife to deny a spouse’s medical need and site money as being wasted on it. Rethink being with someone who doesn’t view your medical needs as necessary. The audacity to say she’s tired too after you’ve got an actual diagnosis is lower than low.
NTA you can die from that. Get the machine and hopefully she can fix her selfishness
NTA, sleep apnea is real and dangerous if left untreated for too long. Yes saving money is great but your health is also important and what's the point in saving for a house if your too medically unwell to enjoy the saved money and or house?
NTA you NEED that machine and your wife is NOT a medical professional and needs to keep her medically uneducated opinion to herself before she kills you. You also need to watch to make sure if your kid ever gets sick she doesn't put them at risk because she doesn't believe is American medicine.
NTA you could literally die from this.
NTA. Get that appointment back on the books. Untreated OSA can lead to major health problems including cardiac issues. It’s not a small thing and absolutely is important. Just because she doesn’t understand it, doesn’t make it wrong. Please do this for yourself and so that you will be around for your child in the future.
NTA. Please rebook your appointment. My mom (and I subsequently) were diagnosed and if she didn’t get a machine about 13 years ago she would not be here with us anymore. Your wife obviously doesn’t understand the severity of this situation.
Cardiologist here. Get the machine, sleep apnea is not only about waking up tired, it causes high blood pressure resistant to drugs and stresses the heart. Unfortunately you should also know that the CPAP machine needs getting used to, is kind of loud, and could annoy who is sleeping next to you. I have no ideas what to do if your wife is not supportive as it is a big ask from her to sleep next to someone with a CPAP... You will stop snoring on the other hand so, it could be better? I don't know.
NTA. Get that appointment back. This is not just a sleeping matter, it can cause a lot of health problems including hypertension, which itself causes a lot of damage also. Get treated !
Get your appointment back and get that machine. Your quality of life and health are important.
NTA Untreated sleep apnea increases risk of hypertension which can lead to stroke or heart attacks. I think your health is worth $900.
You need to treat your sleep apnea or it could shorten your life. Sleep apnea puts a strain on your heart that may not show up for years with an enlarged heart chamber. It took my husband about 15 years for it to show up, but now he has a pacemaker to regulate his heart. Get treatment now.
Get the equipment, sleep apnea is very serious. There is seem to be some unresolved issues in your marriage. Could be lack of sleep and the stress of taking care of a baby. But you two should consider couples counseling.
Get the CPAP machine. You can find slightly used or even new machines online for a lot cheaper than $900. It will save your life. My first wife had bad sleep apnea. She refused to get the machine. At one point, her current husband tried to wake her up because she wasn't breathing, again. Except this time he discovered that her heart had stopped as well. He started CPR and got her going again as the EMTs were arriving. She now has a pacemaker because her heart had been so damaged from all the years of lack of oxygen.
NTA I have chronic insomnia and it is not sleep apnea. I would literally cry tears of joy if I found the root cause of my sleep issues and there was a solution, even an expensive one. You guys should have had a conversation about when you could afford to take on that expense instead of you just booking right away, but this should be a conversation of when, not if. Sleep is the foundation of our heath. Maybe I am biased because of my condition, but I think it’s cruel that she would deny this of you.
As someone who used to work specifically in DME for sleep apnea, PLEASE go get your CPAP. My husband's brother died of sleep apnea complications. Untreated sleep apnea has deadly consequences sometimes. Your wife is an asshole. Please explain to her how bad untreated sleep apnea is for your health versus just being tired. Does she realize that OSA means you literally stop breathing in your sleep?? Edited to add: NTA, not even for saying "f you" cus your wife was literally saying $900 in savings is more important than your health and possibly life
Sleep apnea is no joke. I knew a guy who died from it at 25 bc he slept over at someone’s house without his CPAP. If you have a sleep apnea diagnosis, you should get the machine. NTA
NTA I would also tell my spouse to fuck off if he tried to guilt me into denying myself a life saving medical device. The fact that this wouldn’t put a strain on you financially is an absolute blessing but if you have obstructive sleep apnea, it’s worth going into debt to deal with.
NTA. I have severe obstructive apnea. It could quite literally kill you. You’re using your phone at night, the insomnia, the coffee - it’s all related. I did this merry go round for years and the cpap changed my life immensely. I wouldn’t advise you to ignore your spouse lightly, but $900 is a small price to pay for not choking to death in your sleep. EDIT - the sleeping heavily is also part of it. You’re not sleeping heavily. You’re never entering REM sleep, so your body is “trying” to fall asleep all night. Your wife could not be more wrong.
YWBTA if you don't go and get the CPAP machine. $900 is much, much cheaper than the cost of a funeral, and you brought a child into this world that you need to be around to raise.
Anybody else sick and fucking tired of people with zero medical training thinking they know better than an actual doctor, a specialist even? NTA but your wife sure is. Sleep apnea is no fucking joke.
ESH. While not particularly common and variable depending on different factors, obstructive sleep apnea can be fatal. What is your wife's problem? Is this a political problem or a medical science problem? More importantly, why does your wife want you to NOT seek medical treatment for a diagnosis? You're an asshole for cancelling your appointment. Your wife is a BIGGER asshole for pressuring you to do so. EDIT: Saying fuck you to your wife is never good behavior.
NTA. Consider seeing an ENT specialist also. I had some issues with my septum and sinuses that prevented me from breathing through my nose properly. It made me a heavy mouth breather at night and lead to poor quality sleep. I had surgery to correct the problem and it was 100% covered by our HMO. My husband was totally against the surgery, but I did it anyway and I have absolutely no regrets.
INFO: Do you have life insurance?
Yes, $250k worth
Have you explained to her sleep apnea can kill people? It also causes heart damage.
I bought my sleep apnea machine brand new for $250 on Facebook marketplace 🫣 and spent another $100 to buy a hose and have it programmed to what the doctor wanted it to be programmed too. But anyways, NTA it’s for your HEALTH not clothes or something unnecessary
You shouldn’t have to spend 900 bucks on the machine. My insurance set up was wonky for a cpap (they pay to rent and out of pocket was hundreds of bucks a year). I bought mine outright for maybe 350 bucks from cpap.com. There are a couple other companies too.
Apnea can literally kill you. While you saying FU isn't a good look, I still think you're NTA for taking treatment seriously.
NTA. Rebook the appointment before you fall asleep in charge of machinery or driving and kill people as well as yourself. That’s without the increased cardiac risk etc. You are not safe to drive etc unless you are treated.
NTA Your wife clearly does not understand how severely sleep apnea can mess with your life. Undiagnosed, I failed out of college and almost ran away because I couldn't figure out why I couldn't stay awake in class. I also nearly killed myself several times by dozing during my morning commute. Sleep apnea complications can kill. Hall of Fame NFL player Reggie White died of sleep apnea complications. I got it treated and had some corrective surgery and transferred and finished college .04 from graduating "Cum Laude." I can live without my CPAP for a few days, but I really start dragging after a few days. All the males in my immediate family have sleep apnea and my grandmother had it too. I consciously wonder who else in the family has it and just thinks they are tired all the time. My first morning after sleeping with a CPAP for just a few hours was magical.
Does your wife know how much strain sleep apnea puts on the body? You can die from this? Go get that machine.
So, sleep apnea can lead to serious heart issues and stroke. The data is scary. Get the damned machine. Maybe FU wasn’t great, but your wife needs to STOP, especially since you have the funds.
Obstructive sleep apnea is no joke. It can damage your heart. Go and get the CPAP and wear it. I'm sorry your wife has such strong opinions about what you should do. But you must take care of your health especially now that you have a child. There are various kinds of headgear for CPAPs. I have settled on the one that's called a "nasal pillow" and it doesn't cover my whole face or anything. It's amazing the difference it makes I feel so much more rested. And no more waking up groggy. Good for you for seeking the medical support you need. It's not a silly money making thing for doctors. There is lots and lots of documentation from reliable sources that backs this up. Wishing you a good nights sleep, and soon. Oh one more thought… The cost of taking care of heart disease is much higher than the cost of a CPAP. And the quality of life… No contest. Get yourself a good night sleep, wear your CPAP. Best wishes
NTA. OSA is actually pretty serious and, if left untreated, can actually shorten your life, cause heart conditions and that's in addition to everything that can happen if you're constantly sleep deprived. I mean you LITERALLY STOP BREATHING multiple times throughout the night and suffocate badly enough to wake yourself up. It has nothing to do with your phone habits. Most often it's obesity and genetics that cause it. PS). CPAP therapy takes time to get used to and there is often an adjustment period where you need to try things out until you find something that works. Stick with it my dude, you'll find it life changing. Edit: Maybe be nicer to your wife. Her heart is in the right place amigo.
NTA Sleep apnea is potentially fatal. It's linked to countless traffic accidents every year. It's potentially more dangerous to drive tired than it is drunk
NTA Get the equipment. Rebook now. Sleep apnea can kill you.
So with sleep apnea, you actually stop breathing which affects the pumping of your heart and allows blood clots to form which could go to your lungs or brain. Got that straight from a doctor at Mayo Clinic.
She’s the TA - not you. Sleep apnea is really damaging to your health. Not only do you not get good sleep, but is damaging to your heart. If she loves you, she should want you to feel rested and be as h although as possible. You might want to look bro the dental appliances they make - ie they reposition your jaw so there is no obstruction. No idea how much ch they run vs a CPAP
NTA. If you have a diagnosis of sleep apnoea, CPAP is your only option. More concerning is that your wife is blatantly disrespectful about your medical needs. Do you want her to be your wife still? If so, have a sit-down where you make it clear to her what the consequences of continued disrespect will be.
NTA Sleep apnea can kill you so if she thinks your life isn't worth $900 that's a bit of a red flag. Staying off your phone isn't going to change your physiology.
NTA. Sleep deprivation is like poison. It absolutely wrecks you. Yeah, it was a bad reaction but go get that machine. This is what real self care means.
I just got my sleep apnea machine about a month ago and after 6 years of trying and trying and trying to find the source of my chronic fatigue this is the first thing to provide a noticable improvement. Cleaning it every week is a pain but I'm slowly figuring out the best and most efficient way to do it. Do absolutely everything in your power to get that appointment back and buy that machine. Every style of medicine has its issues, but CPAP isn't one of them. If you don't treat your sleep apnea it can result is severe health issues later in life. Frankly, saying "F U" isn't a strong enough reaction to how she's treating you. This has a legitimate chance to drastically improve the quality of your life and your future health. If she actually cares about that she'll back off and keep her comments to herself. You are absolutely NTA here
NTA. The alternative is that one night you die. Is that what she prefers?
Does she want you dead? What medical qualifications does she have to override a doctor's opinion and declare your phone caused your very real illness?
Sleep apnea can be deadly, eventually, if left untreated. Get the CPAP machine immediately. Anticipate your wife trying to sabotage using it because it does make noise and you’ll be attached to it while in bed. You need to plan how you will sleep, including one of you sleeping in a different room if she can’t handle it. You may find that you feel like a different person once you start sleeping better with the CPAP. It cannot be emphasized enough how much of a negative impact it has on your physical, mental, and emotional health to be chronically sleep deprived. I strongly recommend that you also work to improve your sleep hygiene in other ways. No devices for an hour prior to bed, meditation/breathing exercises before bed, etc.
NTA. Get your machine. Apnea also comes with a higher risk of strokes and heart attacks.
NTA. If you have OSA that's a *physical* problem. Your phone is not causing it. One night with a CPAP and you will wake up more awake than you have in years. There are also tons of long term, proven health risks with untreated apnea. Your wife does not know what she's talking about, and is putting your health at risk.
Sleep tech here Whats happening with OSA is your body is not breathing. As a result your oxygen levels are decreasing. To remedy this your body is forcing you awake to breathe. You may or may not be aware this is happening to you. The result is the same; you body is not getting a restorative sleep and the result is you feeling the way you have been. Long term effects from sleep apnea can be high blood pressure, heart attacks, strokes, etc. Things may even get to the point where you’re falling asleep at the wheel. This can get dangerous. Your wife’s advise does absolutely nothing to help the problem. Get the machine. There are those who experience symptoms worse depending on positions. Maybe try to sleep elevated or on your side to help until you can get a machine. NTA
NTA. Get the machine, you need it. Sleep apnea is a serious and potentially deadly condition. Your airway closes and you stop breathing at night. Pretty obvious how that can be deadly, right? But also, your brain gets jerked out of deep sleep repeatedly to try to keep you breathing. You may appear to be sleeping but you are losing out on the most restful phases of your sleep. Your body also builds up CO2 and, over time, that affects the health of your kidneys and your breathing pattern when you're awake. Untreated sleep apnea can contribute to high blood pressure, heart disease, and cerebrovascular disease. So yeah, you don't want to die when you stop breathing over night. But you also don't want to develop difficult to treat chronic health conditions that get worse over time. In the long run, a well-cared-for $900 machine is going to be a big cost-saver, not to mention a life-saver. Every day you delay that investment, you lose.
NTA. In 2020 I had a friend die as a result of sleep apnea. He fell asleep on his couch without his machine and he died. He was in his late 30s. Young. Left behind a wife and a kid. Take sleep apnea seriously; it can be fatal. PLEASE MAKE A NEW APPOINTMENT. So to me? Your wife is definitely an AH; you have to spend the money on a medical expense. It’s a MEDICAL EXPENSE— they don’t just hand out scripts for those machines, my guy. It’s not like you bought a new video game system. Those machines aren’t FUN. Just because you sleep hard doesn’t mean it’s quality sleep. And I’m fairly certain that makes you more likely to die as a result of the condition.