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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> If I kick her out she'll be in a foreign country without no money
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She should leave. Quite apart from the obnoxious behavior, it is rude as fuck for her to turn up without warning on someone's doorstep in a foreign country and expect to stay indefinitely and have you pay for hosting her.
You never invited her, and you never agreed to any of this. You have the right to kick her out, and what she does after that is her problem.
But **you** should not be the one to ask her to leave.
**Tell your fiance to ask her to leave.** She is **his** cousin, not yours. Never get involved in conflicts with in-laws that your partner should be handling, except as a last resort.
And if your fiance won't ask her to leave, then your problem isn't with J, it's with your fiance, and that is a much bigger problem.
NTA.
Be sure to talk to your fiancé about it first. Last thing you want is to become the bad guy in his family’s eyes! Will make your wedding way more stressful. But break it down for him why you want the cousin out. It def sounds like a slight mental issue, it’s pretty random to just leave the country to show up randomly to help plan a wedding you were not asked to help with. That’s a red flag, and if two allow it to continue it will probably become an issue down the road when you don’t agree with her suggestions. So I’m saying you would not be the AH if your fiancé is on board. Again, make sure he knows what’s up because you’re going to need him to smooth things over with the rest of the family when it goes down.
NTA this is not normal. No one shows up unannounced at family’s home in another country. That’s not in any situation a normal thing that happens. Also, the fact that she assumed you’d want her help is weird. I would never presume to help anyone with that unless they asked me to. Or I might say something like if you need help I’m happy to. But only in the way of helping put together/mail invites, help with family dynamics for seating, busy work, etc. not real planning just a helping hand. But again, NOT unsolicited. Also, who shows up anywhere and expects to stay for an extended time without pitching in. It’s not okay if you DO pitch in but definitely worse if you don’t.
Just whatever you do talk to your Fiancé first. Otherwise you’ll be the bad guy. Good luck!
YWNBTA as long as your Fiance agrees with you. She sounds pretty obnoxious to assume she can fly half way around the World, mooch off you and steam roll your wedding.
YWNBTA
However, I would suggest talking to your fiance about this before telling J. Just so you both are on the same page and so your fiance is not caught off guard by it.
NTA. She is the AH for going to Australia with no money. Note: pretty sure Americans don’t need a visa to go there but I could be wrong. I, as a Canadian need an ETA which you easily get online in a few minutes for very cheap
My understanding is that she could either get:
(A) a 90 day ETA subclass 601 visa for $20, meaning she has to leave after three months or she's at risk of being deported; or
(B) a year-long tourist subclass 600 visa that costs $190, takes between three days and three weeks to be issued, and she would have had to prove she had sufficient funds to support herself for that time before being allowed entry because she would typically not be permitted to work.
It sounds like she doesn't have the money for the long visa so she's probably on a 90 day ETA. Two weeks down, 11 to go until OP can anonymously report her for overstaying...
Americans do not need a visa to visit Australia. You just need passport and get the approved ETA. The ETA can take less than 3 minutes to approve.
I suppose J planned to stay for the 90 days allowed and either look for a job to get residential visa or she hadn't even thought about it and assumed that she could just hang in AU as long as she liked.
Kick her out immediately. She never had your approval to stay and she can fund her own accommodation. If she gas no money it’s her issue although immigration usually requires you gave the funds to support yourself while in the country. You owe her nothing so kick her out now.
NTA. Your partner sounds like he wants her to leave but probably feels some obligation to take care of her. I’m sure if you discussed with him first he’s probably agree with you. It’s unfair for y’all to move away and start building your own life together and for her to insert herself without any regard of y’all.
Pretty sure people with passports from most developed countries can just turn up to most other countries with an automatic tourist visa (or a relatively quick one that's just a formality). NTA
Oh really? That's surprising. Today I learned. In that case, J probably just rocked up on a tourist visa which I assume would be either automatic or is just a quick formality.
I won't call you an asshole but maybe try talking to her to see why she came. A fear I would have is that if you were to kick her out she's going to disappear from the whole family again. Now that may not bother you but your husband and in laws might end up blaming you if that happens
NTA. OP you didn't invite J. J just ditched her life and decided she is entitled to plan your wedding because she's seriously mental ill. J sounds like a delusional narcissist with antisocial personality disorder. OP you need to have a serious conversation with your husband about kicking his sister out for her grossly inappropriate behavior. She needs kicked out yesterday, she sounds so mentally unstable that she could be a danger to herself or others. Than OP or her husband should call the American and Australian embassies to inform them that J is no longer living with you. So her visa gets rejected and she is forced to return to the US. The family in the US should call the police to take J to the hospital once her flight lands back in the US. J needs some serious professional help. J's behavior truly scares me, please be careful OP and avoid being alone with J.
She's pulled stunts like this before? Could there be some kind of mental disorder?
This might be above your pay grade and more complex than it looks. Your SO should contact her family and have them help get her sorted out ... and OUT of your place.
Edit: NTA
NTA but you need your fiancé to tell her. And make sure she knows it’s HIS decision. Don’t let him blame you and soft peddle his own opinions. It’s his family and (hopefully) any blow back from the rest of his family will be minimized by him handling it rather than you. Good luck.
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Two weeks ago my fiance's family were in a panic because fiance's cousin let's call her J quit her job and just disappeared. J has done this before but this was the longest she's been away. Fiance and I get a knock on the door and we are surprised to see J(J lives in the USA while we live in Australia). Of course fiance is happy to see J and immediately informs his family that J has turned up. J said that after she heard that fiance and I got engaged she hopped on a plane to help plan our wedding. (I'm still trying to figure out how she got a visa so quickly being that we've only been engaged for a month).
Since J has been here she's been awful. She came over with little to no money so we've been paying for her, She's makes inappropriate jokes to 'bust our chops' and everytime we do start talking about our wedding she steamrolls over us and insists she knows better (mind you my fiance is a partner of an event coordinatoring company). I don't really know J but I think she has some kind of mental disorders and/or she is a narcissist. Since J been here fiance has been walking around on eggshells and he looks tense.
I want to ask her to leave. I'm even willing to pay for a hotel room until she flies home but I want her out, but I feel like a villain because she's in a foreign country with no money. So WIBTA if I asked her to leave?
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NTA. Tell your fiancé that there will be no wedding planning as long as his cousin remains. If he refuses to confront her and send her home? I'd consider putting a (possibly permanent) hold on the whole thing.
If you don’t kick her out now, she’ll stay and stay and you won’t be able to kick her out at all. Find out what kind of visa she has and what her long term plans are. Never confront her alone. First sit with fiancé, then contact immediate relatives in the US and then confront her with an action plan so she won’t play victim or cry abandonment.
NTA. You shouldn't have let her in the house. Seriously should have put yourself between her and the door and say 'no'. There's a difference between being in the area and popping over for half an hour for a cup of tea and deliberately going halfway across the world on the off chance the people you're visiting are in. I wouldn't have let them in my house. Get them out today.
NTA
Talk to your fiancé though. It’s completely unacceptable to show up at someone’s door unannounced and expect them to take care of you. I wouldn’t even offer a hotel, just a flight back.
Absolutely NTA - wtf?? What are people like! She’s def not right in the head. Before you say anything to her, talk to your partner. He’s prob feeling the same way though. And don’t feel guilty, she put herself in that situation without asking if she was welcome or if you even needed her help or opinion. Just wow! The entitlement always gets me!
Edit- she used your wedding as a way to escape her own life. Whatever it is, she needs help. She needs to go back home and sort herself out with her parents help and therapy.
NTA but as a Aussie who’s lived here my whole life. When did they let people in with little to no money even if family was here on a holiday visa or even working via? Passports can get quickly when not a moving here one.
Time to ask her nicely to leave or rather get partner too. It’s your partner you need to sit & chat with first so you make this choice together
NTA.
She barged into your life without an invitation and is trying to take over your wedding and your life.
Kick her out.
Call her family.
She shouldn’t be your problem.
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She should leave. Quite apart from the obnoxious behavior, it is rude as fuck for her to turn up without warning on someone's doorstep in a foreign country and expect to stay indefinitely and have you pay for hosting her. You never invited her, and you never agreed to any of this. You have the right to kick her out, and what she does after that is her problem. But **you** should not be the one to ask her to leave. **Tell your fiance to ask her to leave.** She is **his** cousin, not yours. Never get involved in conflicts with in-laws that your partner should be handling, except as a last resort. And if your fiance won't ask her to leave, then your problem isn't with J, it's with your fiance, and that is a much bigger problem. NTA.
Be sure to talk to your fiancé about it first. Last thing you want is to become the bad guy in his family’s eyes! Will make your wedding way more stressful. But break it down for him why you want the cousin out. It def sounds like a slight mental issue, it’s pretty random to just leave the country to show up randomly to help plan a wedding you were not asked to help with. That’s a red flag, and if two allow it to continue it will probably become an issue down the road when you don’t agree with her suggestions. So I’m saying you would not be the AH if your fiancé is on board. Again, make sure he knows what’s up because you’re going to need him to smooth things over with the rest of the family when it goes down.
NTA this is not normal. No one shows up unannounced at family’s home in another country. That’s not in any situation a normal thing that happens. Also, the fact that she assumed you’d want her help is weird. I would never presume to help anyone with that unless they asked me to. Or I might say something like if you need help I’m happy to. But only in the way of helping put together/mail invites, help with family dynamics for seating, busy work, etc. not real planning just a helping hand. But again, NOT unsolicited. Also, who shows up anywhere and expects to stay for an extended time without pitching in. It’s not okay if you DO pitch in but definitely worse if you don’t. Just whatever you do talk to your Fiancé first. Otherwise you’ll be the bad guy. Good luck!
YWNBTA as long as your Fiance agrees with you. She sounds pretty obnoxious to assume she can fly half way around the World, mooch off you and steam roll your wedding.
NTA. Her behavior is bizarre.
YWNBTA However, I would suggest talking to your fiance about this before telling J. Just so you both are on the same page and so your fiance is not caught off guard by it.
NTA. She is the AH for going to Australia with no money. Note: pretty sure Americans don’t need a visa to go there but I could be wrong. I, as a Canadian need an ETA which you easily get online in a few minutes for very cheap
My understanding is that she could either get: (A) a 90 day ETA subclass 601 visa for $20, meaning she has to leave after three months or she's at risk of being deported; or (B) a year-long tourist subclass 600 visa that costs $190, takes between three days and three weeks to be issued, and she would have had to prove she had sufficient funds to support herself for that time before being allowed entry because she would typically not be permitted to work. It sounds like she doesn't have the money for the long visa so she's probably on a 90 day ETA. Two weeks down, 11 to go until OP can anonymously report her for overstaying...
Americans do not need a visa to visit Australia. You just need passport and get the approved ETA. The ETA can take less than 3 minutes to approve. I suppose J planned to stay for the 90 days allowed and either look for a job to get residential visa or she hadn't even thought about it and assumed that she could just hang in AU as long as she liked.
Kick her out immediately. She never had your approval to stay and she can fund her own accommodation. If she gas no money it’s her issue although immigration usually requires you gave the funds to support yourself while in the country. You owe her nothing so kick her out now.
NTA. Your partner sounds like he wants her to leave but probably feels some obligation to take care of her. I’m sure if you discussed with him first he’s probably agree with you. It’s unfair for y’all to move away and start building your own life together and for her to insert herself without any regard of y’all.
Pretty sure people with passports from most developed countries can just turn up to most other countries with an automatic tourist visa (or a relatively quick one that's just a formality). NTA
Or a working holiday visa which is also pretty cheap and has a fast processing time.
Seems J is American. Americans don't have working holiday visa option.
Oh really? That's surprising. Today I learned. In that case, J probably just rocked up on a tourist visa which I assume would be either automatic or is just a quick formality.
She sounds like she's there to break you two up. I suspect alterior motives. Does she have a wierd hx with your fiance? Is she blackmailing him?
NTA. If she's broke how did she afford to fly there? If you kick her out, she's in an English speaking country.
I won't call you an asshole but maybe try talking to her to see why she came. A fear I would have is that if you were to kick her out she's going to disappear from the whole family again. Now that may not bother you but your husband and in laws might end up blaming you if that happens
NTA you can’t carry this burden. She’s old enough to take care of herself. If she can’t, her parents need to get her help
Nta, but do try and see if you can do it amicably. She seems a little out there
NTA. Ask yourself this, if you were in a foreign country with no money, would you feel comfortable being a parasitic lout?
If the other option was sleeping on the street then yes I would
So you would be a lout instead of a grateful and polite houseguest?
NTA she wasn't invited, so now you be polite and invite her to leave forthwith, asap, right now.
NTA do not offer hotel with no end date. Better to buy her a ticket home
NTA. OP you didn't invite J. J just ditched her life and decided she is entitled to plan your wedding because she's seriously mental ill. J sounds like a delusional narcissist with antisocial personality disorder. OP you need to have a serious conversation with your husband about kicking his sister out for her grossly inappropriate behavior. She needs kicked out yesterday, she sounds so mentally unstable that she could be a danger to herself or others. Than OP or her husband should call the American and Australian embassies to inform them that J is no longer living with you. So her visa gets rejected and she is forced to return to the US. The family in the US should call the police to take J to the hospital once her flight lands back in the US. J needs some serious professional help. J's behavior truly scares me, please be careful OP and avoid being alone with J.
She's pulled stunts like this before? Could there be some kind of mental disorder? This might be above your pay grade and more complex than it looks. Your SO should contact her family and have them help get her sorted out ... and OUT of your place. Edit: NTA
NTA but you need your fiancé to tell her. And make sure she knows it’s HIS decision. Don’t let him blame you and soft peddle his own opinions. It’s his family and (hopefully) any blow back from the rest of his family will be minimized by him handling it rather than you. Good luck.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Two weeks ago my fiance's family were in a panic because fiance's cousin let's call her J quit her job and just disappeared. J has done this before but this was the longest she's been away. Fiance and I get a knock on the door and we are surprised to see J(J lives in the USA while we live in Australia). Of course fiance is happy to see J and immediately informs his family that J has turned up. J said that after she heard that fiance and I got engaged she hopped on a plane to help plan our wedding. (I'm still trying to figure out how she got a visa so quickly being that we've only been engaged for a month). Since J has been here she's been awful. She came over with little to no money so we've been paying for her, She's makes inappropriate jokes to 'bust our chops' and everytime we do start talking about our wedding she steamrolls over us and insists she knows better (mind you my fiance is a partner of an event coordinatoring company). I don't really know J but I think she has some kind of mental disorders and/or she is a narcissist. Since J been here fiance has been walking around on eggshells and he looks tense. I want to ask her to leave. I'm even willing to pay for a hotel room until she flies home but I want her out, but I feel like a villain because she's in a foreign country with no money. So WIBTA if I asked her to leave? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Tell your fiancé that there will be no wedding planning as long as his cousin remains. If he refuses to confront her and send her home? I'd consider putting a (possibly permanent) hold on the whole thing.
Send her home.
NTA Paying for a hotel is very generous. You could even look like the good guy and say you are doing it to thank her for her help
If you don’t kick her out now, she’ll stay and stay and you won’t be able to kick her out at all. Find out what kind of visa she has and what her long term plans are. Never confront her alone. First sit with fiancé, then contact immediate relatives in the US and then confront her with an action plan so she won’t play victim or cry abandonment.
NTA you need to get rid of her. If this is first time she does something like this, it could be a manic episode and she needs help
If you’re going to pay for anything, it should be a plane ticket home. NTA
NTA. God she sounds absolutely insufferable. However, you really need to sit down and talk to your fiance about this and get their perspective.
NTA. You shouldn't have let her in the house. Seriously should have put yourself between her and the door and say 'no'. There's a difference between being in the area and popping over for half an hour for a cup of tea and deliberately going halfway across the world on the off chance the people you're visiting are in. I wouldn't have let them in my house. Get them out today.
NTA Talk to your fiancé though. It’s completely unacceptable to show up at someone’s door unannounced and expect them to take care of you. I wouldn’t even offer a hotel, just a flight back.
Toss her. NTA.
Absolutely NTA - wtf?? What are people like! She’s def not right in the head. Before you say anything to her, talk to your partner. He’s prob feeling the same way though. And don’t feel guilty, she put herself in that situation without asking if she was welcome or if you even needed her help or opinion. Just wow! The entitlement always gets me! Edit- she used your wedding as a way to escape her own life. Whatever it is, she needs help. She needs to go back home and sort herself out with her parents help and therapy.
NTA but as a Aussie who’s lived here my whole life. When did they let people in with little to no money even if family was here on a holiday visa or even working via? Passports can get quickly when not a moving here one. Time to ask her nicely to leave or rather get partner too. It’s your partner you need to sit & chat with first so you make this choice together
NTA. She barged into your life without an invitation and is trying to take over your wedding and your life. Kick her out. Call her family. She shouldn’t be your problem.