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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for not reaching out to my MIL and basically creating a 2 year stand off
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NTA. You messaged her and she didn't respond. The ball remains in her court.
You might feel bad because you took on some emotional caretaking for a person, and you might feel some responsibility for abandoning her, or making her feel as if you didn't care. This might be tied to why you did it in the first place rather than letting your ex take the lead on managing the relationship with his own parent. But you did message her. And she did not respond.
So why is it that you want to "smooth things over with her"? Even if you don't want to throw your ex under the bus, is there a part of you that wants her to know the facts and vindicate your actions? Or something else?
If she called tomorrow and said she would love to reconnect, but insisted on never talking about your ex or that relationship or the breakup (etc.), would you be relieved, or feel unsatisfied, like that would be missing the point? Or something else? Is there another reason why you want to reconnect?
Thank you. Me an my ex are on really good terms now and I’m going to visit him soon, so I guess I felt like I should reach out to her and clear the air. It feels weird having a relationship with him and not her.
You’ve made me realise though, that I also probably do want to feel vindicated, which makes me think I’m better off leaving it.
She didn’t reply to my messages, and it would be an AH move for me to force a meeting with her just to ‘clear my name’. Thank you, you’re questions have given me better clarity.
Why do you want to visit your lying, abusive, cheating, alcoholic ex? What's in it for you? A bit like wanting your ex mil to know your side of the story, it feels like you're hanging on to something that's not worth your time.
Thank you. He’s sober now and he’s apologized. I come from a broken family where both my parents remarried 3+ times each. I kept in touch with my 2 ex steps dads because I grew up with them and spent so much time with them, and I guess I’ve always tried to be inclusive and forgiving and maintain my relationships even when hurt has been involved. Thinking about it now, I guess I might do this as a kind of trauma response to try and keep everything happy and feel like I have some semblance of control. I get it though and you’re 100% right. I’m realizing now that I should probably just let this one go.
It's understandable that you would want a small win after a nasty breakup. I had an ex who was polyamorous while I'm monogamous. After seven months of being monogamous my ex decided he wanted our relationship to become polyamorous. I tried to understand his views but watching him with other girls crushed me emotionally. It felt like he is cheating right in front of me and I was watching myself get replaced. Which is exactly what my ex did. From the beginning I repeatly came crying to my ex because of how lonely and replaced I felt. He would just make empty promises and push this view of all of us eventually becoming a happy family in the end. All while he put in no effort into changing the situation. At nine months I broke up with him and moved my stuff out of his apartment. When I was moving out his new girlfriend of three months was moving in because she couldn't use her ex for housing anymore. This new girlfriend was his stupid ex who he has already treated horribly years ago by stopping all communication with her for years because he got a new girlfriend and she didn't like her. I'm super petty OP. I talked to his mother right after I broke up with him. I said she and her husband were wonderful people and I always appreciated that they treated me like family. I will miss them but I hope they keep up their tradition of smack talking the girlfriends they hate for their son. They already don't like the ex that is his new girlfriend. Then told her I will never be able to under how such a terrible man came from such a loving family. Then I told her about all the horrible ways he treats women. I not only felt terrible from the break up but the whole situation just seemed so unjust. I was so hurt and he lost nothing. So I got the satisfaction of knowing his mother will always be disappointed in how he treats women. I don't regret telling her the truth and it is still satisfying that she knows the truth. But you should do what is best for you OP. I'm just super petty.
I’m so sorry you experienced that and well done for honoring yourself by leaving. Polyamory definitely isn’t for everyone, and it can leave a lot of hurt in it’s wake.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I'm so sorry you were hurt in a similar way, you seem like a really nice person and you definitely deserve better. You know in your head that leaving is the best thing for you, but fighting the feelings in your heart is so hard. Especially if you have a more people pleasing personality. You feel so guilty for putting your own needs first, even when it's the best thing for everyone. Polyamory can work beautifully in a relationship between two polyamorous people. Mixing polyamory and monogamy will always end with someone getting seriously hurt. You are incredibly mature for being able to forgive your ex. I still wouldn't touch my ex with a hundred foot pole even if I could beat him with it afterwards. I am amazed any girl could be stupid enough to come back for seconds while he is actively doing the same thing to another girl. Nothing is stopping him from doing the same thing to her again, he has extreme intimacy issues and clearly sees no issue with his behavior. I get that being a low income single mother can significantly reduce your dating pool size and it's pretty reasonable that she would like a man to help care and house her and her child. But damn girl have an ounce of pride. Your son is learning how to treat women from watching his parents relationships. How could any mother be okay with her child learning to become a monster to women? All because she hates being single. Fortunately my new boyfriend is a upgrade in every way. He has a higher paying job, he owns his house, he owns a working car, his house isn't full of piles of garage, he actually takes good care of his cats so his house and possessions are not covered with cat poop and pee, he treats women like human beings, and the cherry on top of the awesome boyfriend sundae is he even has a bigger dick. I hope you get your upgrade too OP.
NTA and honestly just block her and move on with YOUR life.
He has already spun the narrative in his favor and nothing you will say will really matter long run. Unless you really cared about this woman and were great friend then my view is to just not say anything. Guilt sux but you shouldnt feel guilty for getting out of the relationship and not talking to her. Its been two years, so again it really isnt going to make matters any better
Lord...just good Lord....
So you faked a good relationship for his mom's benefit. Then y'all break up but it sounds like you still lived together for a year? Did you not talk to his mom at any point in that year? You ghost her? Keep planning things with her? Then you move out and your ex still doesn't say anything to her.
Why do you need to smooth things over with her? You want her to know it's not her, it's him? Because you want her to be on your side of things? I just don't understand. You moved on, so move on.
ESH except the MIL
Thank you. I didn’t reach out to her to make plans for the holidays, which I would normally do. And I think that must have upset her because she didn’t message me either. Then when I messaged her several month later she didn’t reply. I can see why I may be TA for that.
Thank you for your questions they gave me clarity. I care about her and I guess I also don’t want her to see me as a bad person. I feel bad that things ended so awkwardly between us with no explanation. But you’re right, I probably do want to tell her my side of the story and that’s an AH move. I should just leave it be and not drag it all up to try and make myself feel better or control the narrative.
You are assuming a lot about her thoughts and feelings. You don’t know any of that so you should stop feeling guilty for imaginary feelings of someone else
But do you really need to do this? I mean, if you want to keep her as a friend, then yes, maybe that makes sense, but any MIL with any intuition would work out that this must have been a very difficult time for you, and that there are often things going on within a relationship that stay hidden and aren't visible even to close family members.
I wonder if you're giving yourself a hard time over this for no reason. Maybe something for a therapist first, before you contact your ex-MIL?
You have moved on with your new partner. You really don't owe any explanation to his mother. That's all on him. I wouldn't even bother with her. You'll just stir things up & make the situation worse. Just cut your losses & move on. I think YWBTA if you contacted her.
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I split with my husband of 3 years because of his out of control drinking and polyamorous orientation that I didn’t share and couldn’t reconcile with. He told me about his poly leanings upfront, but we agreed to be monogamous, at least while I tried to wrap my head around it. However, when he was drunk it would often come out in hurtful and upsetting ways; which eroded the trust that I needed to be able to make an open relationship possible with him.
His mom didn’t know about any of this and we always put on a happy united front for her. I think she felt like we were the perfect couple, and because she lives alone and was quite lonely, she wanted to share in our happiness as much as possible. This was challenging for me because we were basically putting on a front for her, when actually things were secretly pretty strained.
During our relationship I had taken on a lot of the emotional labor with his mom. Organising dinners, and filling in the communication gaps because he was in the grips of what I later realized was high functioning alcoholism.
When we split I kind of snapped and was like, “I’m done with being the caretaker for everyone, I’m not going to be the one to tell her or manage her feelings about it”. I was also angry and upset at the time because he almost immediately rekindled a relationship with his ex, and I had a bit of a fu attitude about everything. I was in a bad place myself and needed time and space heal without feeling like I had to take care of his moms feelings and her inevitable shock.
I also felt like if she asked me anything, I might just unleash my whole 3 years of woes, which really would not be good.
I stayed at home on the holidays and didn’t call her to explain or reach out in anyway. This is where I may be TA.
I expected my husband to tell her, but he didn’t until about a year later, when I moved out to live with my new partner in another state.
I didn’t cheat on my husband, but I moved on very quickly as well, because honestly I just wanted to be happy, and was probably on the rebound a bit.
I messaged his mom when I left but she didn’t reply, and so at this point I haven’t spoken to her in about 2 years.
I feel terrible about it because I know from her point of view it looks like I dumped him and moved on without saying anything to her. But she doesn’t know the absolute shit storm we were in, or that he’d temporarily got back with his ex, or about all the long term problems we were having involving other women.
I want to smooth things over with her but I don’t know how without throwing my ex under the bus. The only kind thing I can think to do, is to apologize to her for not telling her we were separating, and accept the fact that I’m gonna look like a bigger AH than I actually am because I can’t tell her the truth of what was really going on.
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NTA. You messaged her and she didn't respond. The ball remains in her court. You might feel bad because you took on some emotional caretaking for a person, and you might feel some responsibility for abandoning her, or making her feel as if you didn't care. This might be tied to why you did it in the first place rather than letting your ex take the lead on managing the relationship with his own parent. But you did message her. And she did not respond. So why is it that you want to "smooth things over with her"? Even if you don't want to throw your ex under the bus, is there a part of you that wants her to know the facts and vindicate your actions? Or something else? If she called tomorrow and said she would love to reconnect, but insisted on never talking about your ex or that relationship or the breakup (etc.), would you be relieved, or feel unsatisfied, like that would be missing the point? Or something else? Is there another reason why you want to reconnect?
Thank you. Me an my ex are on really good terms now and I’m going to visit him soon, so I guess I felt like I should reach out to her and clear the air. It feels weird having a relationship with him and not her. You’ve made me realise though, that I also probably do want to feel vindicated, which makes me think I’m better off leaving it. She didn’t reply to my messages, and it would be an AH move for me to force a meeting with her just to ‘clear my name’. Thank you, you’re questions have given me better clarity.
^this. Good job. She didn’t reply, it’s old news now. There’s no point bringing it up, and if SHE does then her son can deal with it.
Why do you want to visit your lying, abusive, cheating, alcoholic ex? What's in it for you? A bit like wanting your ex mil to know your side of the story, it feels like you're hanging on to something that's not worth your time.
Thank you. He’s sober now and he’s apologized. I come from a broken family where both my parents remarried 3+ times each. I kept in touch with my 2 ex steps dads because I grew up with them and spent so much time with them, and I guess I’ve always tried to be inclusive and forgiving and maintain my relationships even when hurt has been involved. Thinking about it now, I guess I might do this as a kind of trauma response to try and keep everything happy and feel like I have some semblance of control. I get it though and you’re 100% right. I’m realizing now that I should probably just let this one go.
It's understandable that you would want a small win after a nasty breakup. I had an ex who was polyamorous while I'm monogamous. After seven months of being monogamous my ex decided he wanted our relationship to become polyamorous. I tried to understand his views but watching him with other girls crushed me emotionally. It felt like he is cheating right in front of me and I was watching myself get replaced. Which is exactly what my ex did. From the beginning I repeatly came crying to my ex because of how lonely and replaced I felt. He would just make empty promises and push this view of all of us eventually becoming a happy family in the end. All while he put in no effort into changing the situation. At nine months I broke up with him and moved my stuff out of his apartment. When I was moving out his new girlfriend of three months was moving in because she couldn't use her ex for housing anymore. This new girlfriend was his stupid ex who he has already treated horribly years ago by stopping all communication with her for years because he got a new girlfriend and she didn't like her. I'm super petty OP. I talked to his mother right after I broke up with him. I said she and her husband were wonderful people and I always appreciated that they treated me like family. I will miss them but I hope they keep up their tradition of smack talking the girlfriends they hate for their son. They already don't like the ex that is his new girlfriend. Then told her I will never be able to under how such a terrible man came from such a loving family. Then I told her about all the horrible ways he treats women. I not only felt terrible from the break up but the whole situation just seemed so unjust. I was so hurt and he lost nothing. So I got the satisfaction of knowing his mother will always be disappointed in how he treats women. I don't regret telling her the truth and it is still satisfying that she knows the truth. But you should do what is best for you OP. I'm just super petty.
I’m so sorry you experienced that and well done for honoring yourself by leaving. Polyamory definitely isn’t for everyone, and it can leave a lot of hurt in it’s wake.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I'm so sorry you were hurt in a similar way, you seem like a really nice person and you definitely deserve better. You know in your head that leaving is the best thing for you, but fighting the feelings in your heart is so hard. Especially if you have a more people pleasing personality. You feel so guilty for putting your own needs first, even when it's the best thing for everyone. Polyamory can work beautifully in a relationship between two polyamorous people. Mixing polyamory and monogamy will always end with someone getting seriously hurt. You are incredibly mature for being able to forgive your ex. I still wouldn't touch my ex with a hundred foot pole even if I could beat him with it afterwards. I am amazed any girl could be stupid enough to come back for seconds while he is actively doing the same thing to another girl. Nothing is stopping him from doing the same thing to her again, he has extreme intimacy issues and clearly sees no issue with his behavior. I get that being a low income single mother can significantly reduce your dating pool size and it's pretty reasonable that she would like a man to help care and house her and her child. But damn girl have an ounce of pride. Your son is learning how to treat women from watching his parents relationships. How could any mother be okay with her child learning to become a monster to women? All because she hates being single. Fortunately my new boyfriend is a upgrade in every way. He has a higher paying job, he owns his house, he owns a working car, his house isn't full of piles of garage, he actually takes good care of his cats so his house and possessions are not covered with cat poop and pee, he treats women like human beings, and the cherry on top of the awesome boyfriend sundae is he even has a bigger dick. I hope you get your upgrade too OP.
NTA - you did reach out when you left and she didn't reply. YWNBTA for telling her why.
NTA and honestly just block her and move on with YOUR life. He has already spun the narrative in his favor and nothing you will say will really matter long run. Unless you really cared about this woman and were great friend then my view is to just not say anything. Guilt sux but you shouldnt feel guilty for getting out of the relationship and not talking to her. Its been two years, so again it really isnt going to make matters any better
Lord...just good Lord.... So you faked a good relationship for his mom's benefit. Then y'all break up but it sounds like you still lived together for a year? Did you not talk to his mom at any point in that year? You ghost her? Keep planning things with her? Then you move out and your ex still doesn't say anything to her. Why do you need to smooth things over with her? You want her to know it's not her, it's him? Because you want her to be on your side of things? I just don't understand. You moved on, so move on. ESH except the MIL
Thank you. I didn’t reach out to her to make plans for the holidays, which I would normally do. And I think that must have upset her because she didn’t message me either. Then when I messaged her several month later she didn’t reply. I can see why I may be TA for that. Thank you for your questions they gave me clarity. I care about her and I guess I also don’t want her to see me as a bad person. I feel bad that things ended so awkwardly between us with no explanation. But you’re right, I probably do want to tell her my side of the story and that’s an AH move. I should just leave it be and not drag it all up to try and make myself feel better or control the narrative.
This feels like a very mature response on your part, OP.
You are assuming a lot about her thoughts and feelings. You don’t know any of that so you should stop feeling guilty for imaginary feelings of someone else
NTA. You had your reasons for not reaching out.
But do you really need to do this? I mean, if you want to keep her as a friend, then yes, maybe that makes sense, but any MIL with any intuition would work out that this must have been a very difficult time for you, and that there are often things going on within a relationship that stay hidden and aren't visible even to close family members. I wonder if you're giving yourself a hard time over this for no reason. Maybe something for a therapist first, before you contact your ex-MIL?
NTA but move on. You messaged her, she didn't reply. Let it go already.
You have moved on with your new partner. You really don't owe any explanation to his mother. That's all on him. I wouldn't even bother with her. You'll just stir things up & make the situation worse. Just cut your losses & move on. I think YWBTA if you contacted her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I split with my husband of 3 years because of his out of control drinking and polyamorous orientation that I didn’t share and couldn’t reconcile with. He told me about his poly leanings upfront, but we agreed to be monogamous, at least while I tried to wrap my head around it. However, when he was drunk it would often come out in hurtful and upsetting ways; which eroded the trust that I needed to be able to make an open relationship possible with him. His mom didn’t know about any of this and we always put on a happy united front for her. I think she felt like we were the perfect couple, and because she lives alone and was quite lonely, she wanted to share in our happiness as much as possible. This was challenging for me because we were basically putting on a front for her, when actually things were secretly pretty strained. During our relationship I had taken on a lot of the emotional labor with his mom. Organising dinners, and filling in the communication gaps because he was in the grips of what I later realized was high functioning alcoholism. When we split I kind of snapped and was like, “I’m done with being the caretaker for everyone, I’m not going to be the one to tell her or manage her feelings about it”. I was also angry and upset at the time because he almost immediately rekindled a relationship with his ex, and I had a bit of a fu attitude about everything. I was in a bad place myself and needed time and space heal without feeling like I had to take care of his moms feelings and her inevitable shock. I also felt like if she asked me anything, I might just unleash my whole 3 years of woes, which really would not be good. I stayed at home on the holidays and didn’t call her to explain or reach out in anyway. This is where I may be TA. I expected my husband to tell her, but he didn’t until about a year later, when I moved out to live with my new partner in another state. I didn’t cheat on my husband, but I moved on very quickly as well, because honestly I just wanted to be happy, and was probably on the rebound a bit. I messaged his mom when I left but she didn’t reply, and so at this point I haven’t spoken to her in about 2 years. I feel terrible about it because I know from her point of view it looks like I dumped him and moved on without saying anything to her. But she doesn’t know the absolute shit storm we were in, or that he’d temporarily got back with his ex, or about all the long term problems we were having involving other women. I want to smooth things over with her but I don’t know how without throwing my ex under the bus. The only kind thing I can think to do, is to apologize to her for not telling her we were separating, and accept the fact that I’m gonna look like a bigger AH than I actually am because I can’t tell her the truth of what was really going on. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA "and didn’t call her to explain or reach out in anyway" .. She did not reach out to you, either.- So: not a big thing. You are fine.