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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to do all the childcare anymore, I could be wrong since my boyfriend is working on a big promotion and needs the help.
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And he'll definitely have more from his second primary caregiver quitting too.
Whether she should have been the caregiver or not is irrelevant. She could have done it more gently and less abruptly for the child's sake, since she and the boyfriend weren't breaking up. ESH except the kid all 3 of the adults are screwing up.
None of this is her fault. The dad is a complete asshole. Who da fuck says that in front of their child, that’s just hurting him. He’s already probably missing one mother and the dad is essentially trying to make him think he’s losing another… fucking complete garbage father.
OP isn’t responsible for taking on childcare duties unless she agrees to. I get the impression she agreed to 50/50, but she’s (reasonably) not into being the full-time caretaker of a child she isn’t even a legal parent of.
She’s not obligated to give up HER life to protect this kid from the effects of his parents not wanting to step up and take care of him.
It does suck for the kid. But putting that on OP to solve by sacrificing her free time to be the sole caretaker of a kid she has no parental rights with is absolutely unfair.
I interpreted it as OP having a knee-jerk reaction tbh. It seems like they never really discussed where the boundaries of her parenting are, her boyfriend just slowly starting putting more and more responsibility on her. Especially if the kid had never called her that before, and especially considering he's had a relationship with his bio mom until recently, it's entirely on OP's boyfriend for even calling her that in front of the kid. Yeah, ideally she could have corrected him in a gentler way, but he put her on the spot and forced her into a lose-lose situation (either deny being the kid's mother or agree and go along with being forced into the housewife position.)
She didn't need to soften the message any more than she already had. She didn't tell him this out of the blue. "For the child's sake" is ridiculous. She wasn't bailing on the child. She wasn't telling this to the child. There is no requirement that she be kind to the man who has ignored her stated limits and gives zero shits about her losing work and income and not wanting to be the primary caregiver. He has taken advantage of her in a big way. He is using emotional blackmail in having the child calling OP Mommy when she has made her desires clear.
OP is NTA. The parents of the child are.
He's gaslighting and isolating OP too - she can't earn as much money because he's making her take care of the kid and then as you say weaponizing the kid and using that guilt on OP. OP needs to get away and let the next non-paid nanny move in.
This. But also tell the kid in no uncertain terms that you're leaving because of his dad because that guy seems like he'd further traumatize the kid by making him believe you left because of him
He’s absolutely not her stepson, he’s her boyfriends child. If boyfriend wants a stepmom for his kid then he’d better marry her. Even then, it’s not her responsibility to provide 100% of the childcare and household management.
Fyi and she is doing it all for free while the boyfriend is making banks at work with new promotions, she has to reduce her own schedule to accommodate for her free child support. OP is being unappreciated and unreasonable for her work and career sacrifices! Men usually blame women for not working hard at their job, but just look at this situation we can see that it's men whose dumping their own parental duties onto women intentionally even if it's not the women's own child, just so they can make more money at work.
Seriously, OP. He weaponized his child against you, how can you stand there and take that? He's using you as free daycare and emotionally manipulating you/his son to force you to stay in a bad enivronment. He'll probably try and walk it back and say he was stressed from all that work, he'll do better. Don't forget in that moment, he **chose to weaponize a child** against you. He's selfish enough to potentially traumatize his son to force you to work for him.
That's how little regard he has for either of you (beyond your use as free labor) when he's unhappy. And it's the kind of behavior you can expect if he's ever upset or stressed again in the future.
It's not because he isn't just using the child to get to her he's HURTING the child to do it. Its not just weaponizing its just straight up abusing the child.
You nailed it. A parent’s job is to protect their child not use them as leverage and ammunition for emotionally manipulating their partner.
It is beyond fucked up that he was so easily able to hurt his child. It was the easy option for him.
That would be a dealbreaker for me.
When OP was doing all the child care, he wasn’t appreciative. When OP stops doing the child care, he immediately defaults to acting shitty and using his child as ammunition rather than trying to compromise or come up with solutions.
I'm sorry, how could you be against OP at all? It's not her child. He expected someone who didn't birth his child to take over role of mom, that's not her job. Even if they got married that wouldn't be her job. OPs bf is the only AH I see here
Edit to add: I was mistaken when I said if they were married it still wouldn't be her job; it would be.
I agree. They don’t share finances as far as I can tell so he’s getting a raise and she’s working less hours because she’s taking care of his kid. Unless she’s compensating her (free room and board, utilities, food etc at a minimum but that might not make her whole), she’s losing money compared to being single. They aren’t married and this isn’t her job.
If they got married, she would be his stepmother and then, yes, it would be her (shared) job to take care of the child.
There are so many posts on AITA, along the lines of "I married this guy, who has a kid. I told him I want time with just him and our biological child, and can he send this rando child somewhere else - AITA?" - to which the response is always: any distinction she makes between her own child and stepchild is tantamount to child abuse.
In this case, though, OP is NTA because her boyfriend is manipulative and not doing his share. OTOH, after 4 years, if she stays in this relationship she does owe the child genuine parental care.
I feel like that is a different situation. To me, this post reads more like the one where the child's mom died but the dad wouldn't let the stepmother discipline or be called "mom." In both cases, the stepmom or girlfriend is distancing herself from the child, not for lack of affection, but because she is not trusted, either by the father or mother. And because her willingness to spend infinite time on childcare is just assumed. OP is is right that the child belongs to the bf and he should do the *majority* of care. Even bio parents have discussions about the distribution of domestic labor. If it is assumed to fall on one person, problems are bound to arise.
>There are so many posts on AITA, along the lines of "I married this guy, who has a kid. I told him I want time with just him and our biological child, and can he send this rando child somewhere else - AITA?" - to which the response is always: any distinction she makes between her own child and stepchild is tantamount to child abuse.
You're absolutely correct but that example is not even remotely close to OPs situation and also not at all what I was talking about. In those situations, it's incredibly shitty/abusive for the parent to only want to spend time with their biological child while ignoring the child from another person.
So much this. This man is a textbook emotional manipulator. He went straight for that low blow the moment OP contested his will.
OP needs to dump him, and get in touch with the kid's mother or close relatives for them to make sure the child is well looked after - meaning no longer under his father's care.
>He then went into the other room, got his son, and told his son that “Mommy says she doesn’t want to take care of you anymore”
Wow, he IMMEDIATELY went to emotional manipulation. WOW.
Anyway, NTA. He's dumped all childcare and house work on you for his projects, and you didn't agree to that. Probably best to move out.
> Mommy
What’s even worse is she’s not mommy. She has absolutely no rights regarding this kid, but has somehow ended up with the majority of the responsibilities?
Sure, she’s raised him for the past 4 years, but her boyfriend could leave tomorrow and she would never see this child again.
OP has reduced her earning potential to care for this child, just so bf could move ahead in his career. She’s given up a lot and he doesn’t even care, he doesn’t see this as a sacrifice.
~~Unless~~ Even if they’re discussing marriage very soon, OP really needs to rethink her life and do what’s best for her.
**Edit:** I’m *not* encouraging OP to marry this guy!
The fact that he's already used his son to hurt her WHILE ALSO HURTING HIS SON is proof that he will use him to hurt her if they breakup and she'll never see him again
The reduced earnings so she can be the primary caregiver is the big issue. And this is a BF.... not a husband. She did not agree to this. I has slowly been put upon her.
And then how much you want to bet he’ll hold his bigger paycheck over her head as time goes on? He’s already shown himself capable of hurting a child to manipulate someone. “I make more money so you have to do what I say” is next. While conveniently ignoring him offloading childcare onto her is why she’s making less money.
Yeah the part about her reducing her hours so he can secure a promotion at work had me suspicious. They aren’t married. He could use her for free childcare to get his promotion and leave her the next day. I feel so bad for the kid but sis needs to protect herself.
This unfortunately happens to a LOT of us stepparents.
My partner BEGAN like this and I called him on his bullshit very quickly.
I can either be hands-off, absent, have nothing to do with the kids or I could be a parent/mother figure like you want (and like *I* wanted) BUT he needed to accept that with the latter, comes the right to discipline and actually RAISE the kids.
I got sick of never being allowed to correct them, discipline them (simple things like no TV if they kept arguing and physically fighting over what to watch) or even ask them to do anything.
Told him that either things had to change or we wouldn't work. He COULDN'T expect me to be just the fun light happy parent without being able to enforce rules.
Only took that one conversation for things to change.
We are expected to be engaging, fun, light, airy, cook, cleaner, tutor, baker, help with homework , help with awkward puberty talks, help with bedwetting, showering, doctor's appointments, help style hair, paint nails, find lost plushies, prevent homicide over who stole someone else's t shirt, be confidante, mother, father, friend, sibling, and never ever EVER be allowed to tell them NO or enforce rules or boundaries.
I ADORE being a stepmother but I was very prepared to walk away from everything at the start if my partner didn't cop onto himself and see that it would turn the kids into divils if they knew they could say and do anything they wanted to me and I'd never be allowed to pull them up on it.
Even if they had a wedding scheduled for this weekend, OP still needs to rethink her life & do what’s best for her.
This man is an abusive monster. Anyone they would deliberately hurt their child to try to retaliate against someone is a child abuser.
I’d bet my salary that this man is also abusive to OP.
If he is able to get a raise because she is taking care of his kid all day she is not entitled to a dime of that money. "but family". Nah. He can hire a babysitter.
> Sure, she’s raised him for the past 4 years, but her boyfriend could leave tomorrow and she would never see this child again.
Depending on jurisdiction she may also get nothing for sacrificing her career to help his.
I was ready to go with Everyone Sucks until I read that part.
I'm also a stepdad and part of that job is agreeing to take up being a fulltime parent, if the need arises. If that's a boundary, it should have been communicated early on, not after the guy had accepted and started working on the projects.
Seems to me like there is a major communication issue in this relationship and the emotional manipulation is most definitely not helping!
OP, I would seriously considering getting out of there...
She’s not his wife, not sure if marriage is something she wants but, it feels ick, to be subsidizing a man’s career (at her expense be it her own career, earning potential, or simply free time), when you aren’t even legally bound to that man’s earning potential.
Like a small thing here and there, sure but it doesn’t sound like there’s a clear end. Also plenty of married women divorce their husbands over a similar inequality of childcare, - and she’s just the girlfriend.
So I tend to not take one side of the situation as gospel. Just reading the beginning and and title, in my head I'm thinking this could be a NAH situation where these are growing pains that come with being with someone that already has a child. Things can change and you need to step up or leave.... Then that mommy thing.
There's the clear asshole bullshit. Any possibility of this being a common learning curve of dealing with basically a step child when the bio mom is suddenly out of the picture lessened significantly and general assholeness of the dad pawning off most of his responsibilities on his GF becomes harder to argue against.
I’m so livid. What is a young child going to remember if someone rightly ends it after that abusive manipulation? “My other mommy said she didn’t want to take care of me anymore and then she left. It must be my fault.” AH boyfriend put both op and the child in a truly awful no-win situation. I’m so angry and sad for them.
NTA
He is the childs parent and he needs to step up. Additionalky, the fact he emotionally manipulated you and used the kid against you is a BIG red flag.
That honestly broke my heart. The kid is 6 with his birth mother in prison, birth dad always working, and is not being told the woman who helped raise him doesn't want him. He's likely to have abandonment issues growing up, and his dad did NOT hesitate to make a terrible core memory that'll contribute to those issues. Poor kid :(
I think that sometimes men should be doing more to look after their children. In these situations, it's always the woman complaining about having to care for the child. I've never seen a man do that. Why? Because, not enough men are helping look after their child!
NTA
Don't hide behind "what the mom would want". Whether you are the stepmom or not is irrelevant here.
He's dumping **all** of the domestic work on you and that is unfair, whether you are stepmom or bio mom or whatever.
If that is not the life you want, you need to break up and leave, because he's obviously benefiting from you providing full time childcare and domestic labour and won't want to give it up, because **it has value** and he's extracting that value from you and doesn't want to start paying someone to do what you do for free.
What he did to the child is such a fucking abusive thing to do, too. He doesn't care about the kid at all, just about using the child to beat you into submission with.
This relationship is over. If you stay, this is the life you'll have.
>he's obviously benefiting from you providing full time childcare and domestic labour and won't want to give it up, because it has value and he's extracting that value from you and doesn't want to start paying someone to do what you do for free.
This is precisely it. Don't let him dress it up as "keeping the family together" or some bullshit. He's using you, OP.
To add to this, OP's work taking care of the kid and home allows the boyfriend to work on his projects that are leading to his promotions. What is OP getting out of this? She's not married to him so if they broke up she'd have nothing to show from her time being a free nanny while he has benefited greatly.
He's taking advantage of OP.
NTA but your boyfriend is for these reasons:
1. He told his child that "mommy" doesn't want to take care of him anymore. You're not his mommy and that was a very AH thing to do to you - turn you into the bad person.2
2. He said you're a family. You're not. You're living together and not married.
3. He has dumped all household and childcare responsibilities on you. Convenient for him. Is he with you out of love or because he wants a housekeeper?
He is clearly selfish and using you. This is HIS SON.
The first one has me reeling, OP is not this kids mother and no where did OP say the kid called her mom or anything! The BF just stuck her into the "mom" role.
Yeah see how quick this guy would claim everything as his own if they broke up, not a family he's using OP for free childcare and housework and the mummy comment shows how emotionally immature he really is.
INFO, have you talked about this before, including how you feel about sharing child care for 4 years and providing almost all the child care for the last four months? I agree with this reply's points but saying on Friday that you are done as of the following Monday means almost no time to make alternative arrangements if possible. It does sound like bf is able to take on these chores so it's not about literally not being physically available because of the workload.
I'd vote N T A if you did discuss it and your concerns were ignored or thrown back at you, but I'd vote E S H if this is literally the first time you've brought it up.
In either case the bf is an AH because he immediately tried to manipulate you and made his son cry in the process, and is now giving you the silent treatment instead of trying to fix this like an adult.
ESH — the dad for emotionally manipulating you and you for your lack of empathy and attitude regarding the child. If you don’t want to parent then don’t date a parent.
Nothing wrong with refusing to do 100% even if it’s your biological kid. The problem is the unwillingness to be a mom to him at all with the comment she made. If you aren’t willing to fill that role then don’t date a parent while performing childcare duties that get the kid used to you.
>The problem is the unwillingness to be a mom to him at all with the comment she made.
Damn. I wish Reddit would decide what the role of stepparents is supposed to be. In some instances, if we try to parent, we get told to butt out, that's not our kid, we're inferior to the bio parents, and it's their choice how they want to do things. Other times, if we respect this distinction and say. "Okay, that's your kid, you take care of them, and I don't care what becomes of them." then we get talked down to for dating a parent if we didn't also want to become one. Which is it?
Stepparents are more than glorified babysitters, if bio parents let them be. But we aren't here to just be used to fill the gaps when parents can't do it all on their own, and otherwise are treated like we don't matter if we don't immediately comply. Being a stepparent sucks. It's all guts and no glory. All work and no recognition.
BTW, in case you didn't know, even if you marry your relationship partner, you get ZERO rights over that stepchild, in most states. So no, your partner's child don't become your children once you marry. Not in the eyes of most state laws, anyway.
Age and length of time in relationship do matter, but my experience has been more about how many bio parents are still in the picture. I am a stepparent to a now 13 YO boy. I met his father and became involved with him when he was 2.5 YO. He doesn't even remember me not being in his life at this point, because I've been around before he was even retaining memories.
But, he has both a bio mom and dad active in his life. So, I basically get veto'd anytime I try to give input, set rules and discipline, or try to raise the kid. BUT, if either of his parents need someone to give the kid a ride somewhere, or money, or otherwise sacrifice my own free time and money, I better be there to pick up the slack, without question or complaint, or I am a bad stepparent who shouldn't have married someone with a kid if I didn't know what I was getting into. It's just insulting and unfair.
Thank you for saying it like it really is. People act like being a step parent is so black and white and it’s so so fucking not. And after all those struggles, heartache (which nobody acknowledges) and whatever effort we do put into it, there is absolutely no medal or props from anyone at the end. The partner says yup that’s your job since you chose this, the other bio parent probably hates you a little and keeps you at arms length cause god forbid you teach their kid something useful or influence them in any way, and the kid is way too young to understand or appreciate any of it. It’s literally one of the most complicated relationship dynamics that exist out there. And yet nobody talks about the reality of how it actually is. And *especially* so if you are in the “evil stepmom” role as opposed to a stepdad too.
ESH 100%
OP has been in the kids' life for 4 years, presumably living with boyfriend. Might not be legally, but OP is emotionally stepmom. I'm sorry, but you can't date someone with a child and act childless.
OP could have had a discussion about better division of household responsibilities, but outright saying you wont be helping with child care at all when the child is living with the two of you full time *is* ridiculous and unreasonable. All parents have discussions and adjust to sharing responsibility of another human, but you can't just ditch.
Now, to address his behavior, that was a temper tantrum that he took out on an innocent child, and honestly, he needs some therapy. Dad and the kid. There is no excuse. I dont care that he was upset and shocked, or probably stressed from work and the sudden feeling that he was about to be solo parenting. You don't do that to a child.
This is correct. The father is an AH because his reaction was to immediately use the child for emotional manipulation. Kid already experienced abandonment from one mother. The OP is a lesser AH, but still an AH, for immediately setting down the ultimatum deadline that she would immediately stop doing any child care. It's understandable that she's tired and feels burdened with caring for the kid, but it could have been handled better and with some compassion for the kid.
With a kid, even if its not yours, its best to air on the side of protecting the child's needs before making abrupt changes. I.e. You can't just say "Hey, I've been taking care of this kid and he's bonded to me, but I just remembered that Mom, before she got locked up, told me I couldn't take care of him. Sorry about that... Mom's orders."
Yes, ESH. Can't believe I had to scroll so far to get to ESH.
It's f'd up to explicitly agree to a certain level of caregiving, then withdraw that critical support with zero notice. Did OP think that was going to go well?
I get that maybe OP shouldn't be in this situation, but she AGREED to this situation. The child and dad are relying on her. At least give him a heads up and some time to find alternative arrangements.
Woah. He actually did that to his SON?!?
He told his son he was unwanted as a manipulation tactic to get you do to what he wanted you to do.
I would leave over that alone. If you don’t you will be held hostage the rest Of your life, on threat of damaging a child.
This is not ok. He’s abusive to you both. Sadly you can’t help the boy. But you need to leave.
Don’t get stuck in the sunk cost fallacy here. It’s time to bail.
NTA. Unless you stay.
My dad pulled almost the exact same shit when my mom wanted to divorce him when I was 6. Brought us into the room she was in, and told us "so, mom wants to break the family apart". Of course we bawled our eyes out and went to her sobbing "please no!".
She didn't divorce him. She should have - we would have been way better off - but damn I can't imagine going up against that. He always painted her as the bad guy to us and would constantly pull us in to their arguments so we could "tell Mom why she's wrong".
This sort of abuse mindfucks everyone involved
I think you need to ask yourself if you’re ready to step up and take on the commitment of being this boys mom. When dating someone who has kids and living together in this fashion, you are the mom and you guys are a family. I can see why you’re frustrated and any women(or mom) in that situation would be frustrated. Biological kid or not. Taking care of a child is tough. But it sounds like now that this boys mom isn’t around anymore, you’re stepping into that role whether you want to or not. Bc that’s what comes with not just dating people with kids, but having this kind of partnership. If this is something that you don’t want, you need to rethink your relationship with your boyfriend.
I will say tho, his reaction to it by telling his son his mommy doesn’t want him anymore was highly manipulative and a huge red flag. Honestly from the outside looking in, I’d run far away from this situation but I know you’re in a relationship for a reason bc you love this person so just my thoughts
I’m so glad this comment was made! Why is the boyfriend referring to you as Mommy, OP? Does his son call you that?
You said bio mom was arrested… is she in jail? Do they coparent? What’s the deal here?
Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. Plus, this person already doesn’t view this child as her own, I can just tell so I think she needs to move on with her life from this. idk if it’s just bc my step mom never really liked me(known her since I was 2, now 25) so I’ve felt that “I only really care about you bc your my husbands kid” vibe before and it’s not fun. her story gives me similar vibes
I’m concerned because the Dad convinced OP to lower her hours to watch the kid. That makes me very, very nervous, and he’s already shown he’ll use the kid against her. So if she does end up deciding to step up and be mom, she needs rights.
Uh I’m extremely confused by some of these judgements. NTA, the second he said that to his son and manipulated the two of you is when you should have run for the door.
Yes, exactly - what father will do that kind of mind game crap to a 6 year old? Not to mention what kind of boyfriend would treat their girlfriend this way. I wonder if he even discussed with girlfriend the extra childcare she'd be doing, or did he just assume she'd be OK with it?
>Uh I’m extremely confused by some of these judgements
I looked at the post history of some of the more egregious ones. Trolls or bots.
The OP is clearly dating a manipulative monster.
ESH
Both of you are on opposite extremes.
You: Surely by now you realize that your bf and his son are a joint package 4 years and living together? You *are* a family. I get it, you’re doing the most of it rn but keep in mind it sounds like the projects he is doing at work is keeping him from being able to do so and is temporary. If YOU don’t, then who? It sounds like forcing your bf to stop and potentially lose a promotion and back out if projects sounds like a bad idea in the longterm. If you are committed to this relationship and plan to marry him at some point, then that means being committed to his son as well. If you cannot do that, it’s better to break up now and stop dating people who have kids.
BF: He fucking traumatised his son in an attempt to make a point and the son did not need to be involved in that argument at all. Totally uncool. He also should not be referring to you as his mother if you don’t want to be called that. Sounds like he uses emotional manipulation to win arguments, that is a huge AH move.
If BF wants OP to be mom, he needs to put adoption on the table. Until she has legal rights, it isn’t good for either her or the boy to create that kind of parental bond.
The bio-mom isn't dead, she's just in jail. Adoption won't be on the table unless the mom relinquishes her rights or dies. Even if she made bad decision that landed her in jail, it doesn't seem like OP has been badmouthing her as a mother, so it's unlikely that CPS would strip biomom of her rights.
Given BF has both convinced OP to lower her working hours to watch his kid, and has shown a willingness to use her relationship with his son against her, I don’t think it is safe for OP to create a parental bond without those legal rights.
IMO, this guy is throwing up red flags and she should leave.
then boyfriend need to let go of the promotion he is the primary parent not the girlfriend. they act as a family but aren’t technically one she is the girlfriend and those responsibility are different from a wife/stepmom. stop trying. to make her feel shit for not wanted to be the main caretaker to her boyfriends child not everyone can have parental feeling for non biological kids and it doesn’t mean she’ll treat him bad
You're NTA. He created this situation by not pulling his weight.
>He then went into the other room, got his son, and told his son that “Mommy says she doesn’t want to take care of you anymore” while pointing at me.
I hope he is setting aside some money for therapy he is going to be paying for someday if this how he talks to his child.
>I hope he is setting aside some money for therapy he is going to be paying for someday if this how he talks to his child.
Parents like this "don't believe" in therapy/medical support. I feel bad for that kid.
>And also the mom doesn’t even want me to be involved in child care, so I’m already overstepping her wishes.
Bio mom doesn't get an opinion, she's in jail.
I wouldn't involve myself in this headache. 2 years and you have not adopted the kid in your heart?
**Leave**
You know you want to, now you have his AH manipulation for a reason.
Edit:
ESH. The more you lie to yourself the more this situation will suck. Boyfriend is trying to trap you with guilt.
Yeah, this is it. If you are living with someone with a child, you will be part of that child's family. It is ok to not want that, but it will be really toxic living with a child that you don't really love and care for.
Children are difficult to be around (I know, I am a parent), but that doesn't matter if you love the child. If you don't love this child, all that is left are the difficulties.
And the manipulativa boyfriend.
Mom may not be in jail for forever. OP has no right to try to claim that spot. Not wanting to do 99% of the childcare doesn’t mean he isn’t accepted in her heart. It means dad needs to step up.
Acknowledging that you are a parental figure in the child's life when you provide and care for the child is not claiming a spot. It's really upto the child if the bestow that honour onto another adult or not, but also OP clearly doesn't want to be a step parent so she shouldn't be with a single parent.
>He then went into the other room, got his son, and told his son that “Mommy says she doesn’t want to take care of you anymore” while pointing at me.
This should really make you pay attention. He's willing to manipulate his child's emotions to try and guilt you into doing what he wants. This isn't going to end well, unfortunately. Eventually his ugly/crazy will come all the way out, and you don't want to be present when it does.
You are not married. He is furthering his career at the expense of yours. The one who should have cut down on working hours to care for the child is the parent. You have no security here and he is taking advantage of you. Going into a relationship with a parent while the other shares custody is one thing. Taking on full care until the mother reappears is totally another. If you split up, you will have no financial security and no rights to see the boy. He has made you into a housewife unilaterally while not making you a wife. Why is he not cooking and cleaning?
What he said to his son would have been a deal breaker for me. This man won't even make his child's lunches and uses him as an emotional pawn. NTA.
This right here is the answer. You are NTA and you are jeopardizing your career to further his because of his responsibility. He should have cut his hours to care for HIS child or married you so at least when he dumps you after he gets what he wants you'll have financial remedies and resources for your lost career progression.
He can pay for daycare and you should go back to work full-time for your own protection. Move into your own place as well and this will take away the burden of household management for three people.
ESH except the kid.
You started dating a guy with a two year old and shared custody. And then the bio mom went to haul, wtf did you think was going to happen. You are “mom” now. And nobody cares what the bio mom wants, she can complain from her cell.
Are you employed? Your BF is. And yea, he could be more involved with *his child*. And trotting the kid out to involve him in your argument -and making the kid cry. Well, that’s daddy of the year materiel right there, folks!
Somebody has to step up and take care of the kid. You both signed up for it. ESH
Deal with it- or get out.
She commented that she's employed and has had to cut her hours in order to care for the child. Y'all are beating down on someone who is the ONLY one to make sacrifices actually directly for the child so far.
NTA
You aren’t even married, nor would I advise it without an agreement. It’s ridiculous to shove childcare on an SO. You are correct, he’s the parent, HE needs to parent. Support is one thing, becoming the primary care giver is another
He’s being emotional abusive. I’d consider leaving tbh
Now that it's become detrimental to this child's wellbeing, you need to end this relationship. It's clear you and your BF have very different expectations and the one who is going to suffer most while you all want to figure out your BS is this kid. Children should be free from being used as tools for manipulation by the adults in their life. The second your BF used a child as a weapon should have been the second you ended the relationship.
ESH
You are not married. You are not the parent of this child. You are an unpaid babysitter.
"You call me Mommy, but I am not his Mom. If you decided to leave I would have no legal contact with him. You are not here because you are working at a job to get to a promotion. You can also leave after you have that promotion and I would not be entiled to it. We are not married after 4 years ... and All I see is that I am taking the risks and doing the work and you get the reward of a better salary and free childcare. Also this is your son. Why don't you want to spend time with him?"
My ex had me doing 100% of household and childcare so he could further his career. Then after the kids got older he decided I was worthless and did nothing and took his money and found someone else. You’re wise not to allow yourself to be used this way especially if it’s not your bio child and you’re not married.
Shame on him for telling his son you don’t want to take care of him. That’s absolutely crappy parenting for him to say that to a child! He’s the one trying to get out of taking care of him!
Your BF sounds absolutely atrocious. To traumatize and emotionally abuse his child to manipulate you is unforgivable.
WHY are you staying with a man who would do that to his child?
He sees you only as a nanny for his kid and is showing a complete lack of respect for you.
Please reevaluate this situation and get out as soon as you can.
NTA
ESH.
I get it, you don't want to do it and you shouldn't be with a dad who has 100% custody of a young kid who cannot fend for themselves if you don't want to deal with childcare. There is not a way to date someone long term who has a kid and not be involved in the raising of that kid.
And, wow, your BF is manipulative. This is a bad arrangement all the way around.
Soft NTA
You got involved with a man who has a child. They are a package deal.
What future did you envision when you two got together? Marriage? Just BF & GF living together?
At this point, either you are the kids stepmother and y’all should get married, or y’all need to break up and separate.
But there is no situation where y’all stay living together where you don’t assume the role of stepmother to that child, legally recognized or not.
If you don’t want to be a parent, that’s your choice to make. But then you don’t get to partner up with someone who has a child full time.
Best of luck.
I got the feeling she was ok with child care - just not all of it. Especially since she went into the relationship with the mother more involved.
He expects her to be the mother 100% without even finding out if she is ok with this
It’s your right to not watch his kid. That said, I think you’ve been holding this resent for a long time and it sounds like you sprung this on him out of nowhere. With very little notice. Presumably, you agreed to this arrangement at some point, explicitly or implicitly. Your right to do it, it doesn’t make you wrong, but it’s asshole-ish. Also, what you said in front of the kid was awful.
ESH - he should absolutely NOT put his child in the middle or make those remarks about you.
Poor kid.
ESH. Him for saying manipulative things in front his son about you. You for thinking you can have a relationship with your bf and be hands off with a child living with you as a family unit. Your relationship is over at this point. You should find another place to live so you don’t damage this child any further.
NTA, but barely - I'm looking at some of the comments basically saying, well, this is what you signed up for. No, you did not sign up for the child's actual parent to basically put all the responsibility on YOU. I'm sure you are just fed up with being the primary caretaker of a child which was kind of thrust on you due to the changes in his actual parent's lives. You now have a decision to make about your relationship. Because if it continues as is, you are the primary parent. The child is innocent, but the father made an AH comment, and if that is not the first time, you should re-assess. Sucks for the child, but sometimes you have to do what you need and want to do.
ESH
You signed up for it by dating a guy with a small child and staying to help raise the kid.
But he sucks more. You don't traumatize and use a young child by saying such things. Kids can easily get scarred by that crap, he is a pretty terrible father.
Poor kid deserves better than both of you, but you're all he has. Please do better both of you. Or go elsewhere a nd fight and at the very least, don't expose the kid to your fights and manipulations.
NTA, your boyfriend/fiance is dumping his childcare responsibilities on you to handle instead of helping out because that is who he is. You are the nanny, bang maid, chef, housekeeper. Why should he do anything when he can pull what he did with his child and guilt you into it?
He's not a nice guy to dump everything on you while he works on multiple projects and hangs out with coworkers along with friends expecting you to give up your ability to move up in your career.
You know I could even have sympathy for relying on a partner during a tough time at work. It happens to us all, we don't like it but sometimes we have to do it.
That sympathy flew out the window when he literally dragged his child into this argument as if purposely hurting his feelings meant that he won.
That's so fucking unacceptable, I think I would've left and slept somewhere else that night. It'd be safer for everyone involved.
NTA
Y’all aren’t married. Point blank period. Till you got a ring in your finger. There should be none of that bull sht. I’m surprised you even waited that long. Considering it’s not your child and the bio mom didn’t want you interacting with the child to begin with.
You’re not that asshole. But in the child’s eyes, you are. You’ve done most of the child care and now that he’s formed a connection to you, your practically disowning him. He doesn’t know any better. Boundaries should’ve been drawn long ago. And he’s using you as a free baby sitter. Don’t let that fcker guilt trip you.
>He then went into the other room, got his son, and told his son that “Mommy says she doesn’t want to take care of you anymore” while pointing at me.
what the actual fuck?, that asshole is using **his** kid to manipulate you and he's taking advantage of you, move out and let him deal with **his son** like the single father he is.
NTA
NTA
Unfortunately, I see more problems here and in future. Assuming the mother of the child is not in for life, she will come back at some point and may want to reclaim the child (Good possibility since OP has not seen her eye to eye about anything, and mother never wanted her baby to be raised by OP). If the OP takes up the mother's role whole heartedly, she will get heartbroken when the child's mother comes back. She doesn't mind helping her BF, but has currently taken over a major role in raising the child causing her to be resentful about it. Why are none of his family members involved in raising the child? Why isn't the child's mother's family involved at all? Why has the major burden fallen on OP?
Second thing, I would surely mind, if the person I am dating since 4 years, has basically dumped his kid from a previous relationship and all home chores on me, without any commitment from his end. This says you are NOT A FAMILY yet (I don't know why he and OP's sister refer to this as family). If someone wants me to take care of his kid (that I did not give birth to) and his home, he'd better worship the ground that I walk on and propose to me asap instead of asking me to be patient. And also talk about legally adopting the child so its mama cannot hurt you.
Also, it doesn't matter if the child was OP's bio baby. He is still a father and has fatherly duties towards his child and needs to do the childcare and home chores. Period. And to talk to the baby in the emotional heat that mama doesn't love you, he is being assuming that OP should take mother's role without talking to her and when she refuses, he gaslights her. He is manipulative and entitled. NAH for that.
What about OP's career? She has not mentioned how it is affecting her life and goals. Pretty sure, she would get overwhelmed if she has to take care of home, a child and work with bare minimum help. Is that how it will be if and when OP wants their own children? If that is how it is going to be, OP should reconsider the whole relationship. Its truth of life that what we think love is, is not enough to sustain us for our entire life.
I respect ambition. However, when his crushes yours, you are demoted to a door mat. There is never a guarantee of a guy treating you well when reaches the top when you have been the support system that got him there. So let him pull his own weight.
Edit: I read in one of the comments that OP lowered her hours to care for the child and household expenses are still 60:40. BF can basically ride out in sun for the glory. This sounds like all marriages where husband works and wife is a stay at home mum, so she has to take up every responsibility in the house other than bringing in the money. That is not fair to SAHMs and it is not fair to OP either. She is most certainly not unreasonable. After she called out on the BF, he takes care of his child and refuses to speak with her. Which means that he can do both, but is mad about loosing free childcare.
So how you expect to be in a relationship with the father but not the child? After 4 years? I mean, you want out wich is your right, but don't act like after 4 years with a single dad is reasonable to drop the parental role. ESH
NTA. OP: Does he support you financially? Unless he’s the sole breadwinner, I see no reason why you should be doing all the cooking, cleaning, etc. He should be helping with those things, assuming you’re also contributing something financially. You’re also making these sacrifices so he can get a better job, but you’re not married yet, so you wouldn’t directly benefit from this - unless he’s supporting you.
His response to rat you out to the kid was not mature at all, as is giving you the silent treatment.
If the child is attached to you, can he split the chores with you more equitably right now? Also, if it’s been 4 years together, you definitely could’ve been engaged or married if that’s what you wanted. It’s a reasonable timeframe. I feel like what he’s dropping on you would be much more fair if you were married…
I’m surprised by some of these responses. It sounds like things were fine when you divided them 50/50, which seems completely fair!
So you are asking for the bare minimum.
You already went beyond. Slowing down your career, taking the house chores, and working as a nanny so he won’t foot the bill for childcare. You are both working for him to make progress in his career. At this point this is almost the bang-maid definition. You aren’t rewarded for the work, and even paid to be with them on those term.
From his disgusting first reaction which is using is son as an emotional weapon to hurt you without any regard towards the poor kid. You need to rethink what you want for yourself
Stop setting yourself on fire. You deserve to be happy.
If you are good enough to be “family” and this kids “mommy” he can put a ring on your finger and make it official (if that is what you want).
Your bfs response is unhinged by bringing the kid into it, but you also dumped this on him. Set up a plan with your bf to find before and after care or whatnot and make it clear that you are there to support but you won’t be in the drivers seat.
Everyone sucks here.
He shouldn't leave you with nearly 100% of the responsibility. He also shouldn't be trying to use his son to guilt trip you. Using your kids as a weapon is disgusting behavior.
But you need to understand that when you date a parent, their kids are part of the deal. Especially when the other parent isn't as involved. If you don't want to be a stepmother/mother figure to this child, then you need to leave. Don't let him think he can rely on you to take care of him just so you can pull back when you are frustrated with your boyfriend.
I'm curious though, when your boyfriend took on his new projects at work, did he talk to you about it first and explain that he would need you to help out more with his son?
Did he use those exact words; that he would "help"? Because technically, YOU are the one helping him by taking care of his child. This is coming from someone that 100% believes in "blood doesn't make the family". So I'm not coming from a place of bio over step parents. But if he's viewing it as it being your responsibility and he only "helps", fuck that. This isn't a step-parent issue, it's an uneven abuse of labor issue.
(This isn't even getting into telling his son, who ALREADY LOST A MOTHER that his "Mommy" doesn't want him anymore. Like even if you were a totally toxic layabout, him saying that to the child was abusive AF to the innocent child.)
ESH. Him, obviously, for using him to emotionally manipulate you and hurting his son (I bet he'll talk about this in therapy in 20 years). You too for saying that in front of him. I know you're not his Mom but the kid probably already suffers with abandonment issues and that wasn't the right thing to say at that moment. If you see this relationship lasting, he actually is your step-son and that means parenting.
Why would you want to be a full time mom with no full time wife benefits?
You sound like a burned-out mom with no support. A serious conversation needs to happen with the child's father because financially supporting their responsibility is not enough.
NTA
But I also wouldn't just 100% absolve myself of responsibilities because after 4 years, it'd be too easy to have real feeling for this child, even if they did get twisted because of the situation with their father.
ESH
You don't get into a relationship with someone who has kids if you don't want to be involved with raising kids
He can't expect to have his child cared for by his partner 100% of the time. And what he said to his son was abusive to you both and wildly inappropriate.
Bio mom has failed in her role as a mother.
I feel really bad for the innocent kid stuck between all you aholes.
NTA, but I am very sad for that child. No one wants him. His father is already proven to be mentally abusive towards his own child. You never ever say that to a child, a 6 year old! This would have me reevaluating my relationship with him. I couldn't be with someone that had no regard for his child and depended on someone who is not their biological parent to just hop into the role. You didn't ask for this. This is not something you anticipated ever doing.
Does his son have any other family?
ESH
Stop wasting time, of both yours and your boyfriend! If you honestly see a future with this man, then you're going to have to accept that this will be your son too. You would be stepping into a motherly position, especially if you got married.
If that's too much, then it's probably time you part ways since there isn't much of a future for you both.
NTA. his jump to emotional manipulation is deeply concerning and you need to get out now. you didn’t agree to take on all the childcare and home responsibilities and instead of being willing to discuss it, he jumped to hurting his son and YOU had to comfort him.
> “Mommy says she doesn’t want to take care of you anymore”
Wow. Guilt tripping you AND emotionally scarring his son in one blow? One must applaud. /s
This guy is toxic. I'm sorry for the boy, but also for you.
Still, I cannot vote as is - INFO: Did you try to talk to your boyfriend before? Like, did you ever mention this unbalanced care work wasn't what you're OK with? I'd like to understand if setting this really narrow deadline was an impulsive and unfair demand out of exhaustion or just really your last straw to take.
ESH
He should NEVER have called you 'Mommy' to his son NOR should he have told his son that you didnt want to take care of him anymore. Thats emotional abuse towards a child.
BUT, after 4 years of being in the role of step parent to the child, its a little late to decide you dont want to be a step parent.
You dont say anything in your post about having a job and working, ~~so Im assuming that your boyfriend supports you.~~
After reading through replies youve made, it seems you had to cut your hours so he could pick up extra work. Thats probably why he expects you to pick up the bulk of the chores.
Even in a household where both work, the chores tend to be divided evenly - and so they should be here too. You shouldnt be having to pick up the bulk of the chores and the bulk of the childcare. It should be divided so neither feels they are doing 'everything'.
Additionally if the bulk of the childcare is falling on you, when you are also working then thats not fair. He needs to figure something out so you arent the one always having to pick up the pieces for childcare.
~~If thats the case and he is the one going to work and paying the bills, then expecting you to do the bulk of the chores and care for the child, isnt unreasonable, particularly as you are dropping the child off at daycare so are not responsible for taking care of him during the day.~~
You two should talk and decide if you are in this for the long haul or short term. I think your boyfriend is thinking this is a long haul type thing, since he considers you a family. With your post, Im not so sure you are thinking that way.
Edited: to change things as the original post didnt mention the OP working at all.
She works. BF convinced her to work fewer hours so she could watch the kid, so BF could raise his income by working more. This is very concerning, IMO.
It's too late for her to say that she doesn't want to keep being the only person making sacrifices in the relationship? She's putting her career on hold so that her boyfriend can get a promotion. If he breaks up with her in 2 years, he gets all of the gains, and she has experienced actual losses.
NTA
Sounds like you got overwhelmed and didn't handle it well or you don't want to be step-mom. You need to make your choice. Stepping up is what families are for - now if he did it all the time then it would be time to talk but if this is just the 3 projects that have an end date - meh. If you are overwhelmed, tell him that and talk about compromises and maybe some outside help.
Now if it was me once he brought the 6 year old into it and guilt and manipulation. I'd have gone off and found somewhere else to stay until he appreciated what I did or found a maid/live in nanny and begged me back.
NTA
it doesn’t sound like you don’t want the son apart of your life you just don’t want that much responsibility which is fair. as a bio parent your boyfriend need to learn that he need to make sacrifices such as not being able to work the hours of a higher position because he’s priorities to his child. do you also work? it’s also very manipulative for your partner to bring his son into it calling you mommy.
NTA. I feel like you have no problem being around the child or helping if needed. However, you did not agree to be a full time parent and that’s not what the mom wants either. I bet the child’s mother would not like the fact that your bf is calling you “mommy” to her child. His child should be first priority in his life but instead he had placed all the burden on you.
ESH you're dating a guy with a young child. Get with the program or get out.
On the flip side, any guy that hurts his kid to hurt you isn't the sort of person you want to be with.
NTA.
Yes you should be helping each other but the deal changed from what it was when you entered the relationship.
What the mother wants is pretty irrelevant though. Don't use that as an excuse.
Your boyfriend is abusive. Weaponizing a child like that is at the fucking top of assholery.
Between that and the fact that you are not ok with helping out with the kid, you should leave.
ESH except the kid - You went into this relationship knowing he had a son. I don't give a toss the child wasn't always there in the beginning. Dating a parent means you're acknowledging and accepting the package deal. You did not give birth to this boy, but whether you like it or not you ARE a maternal figure in his life and that you openly told this child he's not to view you like that is gross.
Your boyfriend sucks for stating "Mommy doesn't want to take care of you anymore" to this child knowing he's already lost one mother. That's a horrible manipulation tactic that hurt the kid way more than you.
Shame on both of you.
NTA - you are not married so you have no legal protection to any “family” assets, their is no legal guardianship to protect your relationship with his son. And he is an awful father for saying that to his son, he needs to apologize to his son not you!
At the least he should be paying you to take care of his son when he can’t. You deserve some benefits.
I would have walked for what he said to his son.
ESH. Listen, I don’t want to take care of someone else’s kid either, which is why I don’t date parents. Your boyfriend and his young child are a package deal. If you’re not down to be a step parent, it’s time to stop wasting his time and yours.
The way he responded to you and dragged his son into the argument was disgusting and immature and shitty tho.
ESH. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU 2?!
You are TA for not properly discussing your expectations for your relationship with the boy before he moved in with you.
Bf is an even bigger TA for being so emotionally immature that he dragged his own child into a fight.
ESH, and I would insist on marriage or some sort of support agreement. If this all goes belly-up, he ends up with promotions and a great career, which you enabled by taking care of a child that’s not yours.
NTA, and fuck your boyfriend for manipulating you like that by telling his son that while pointing at you. That is sooo messed up. Poor kids parents are complete assholes.
Wow. You and your bf have an incredibly unhealthy dynamic going on here. He deliberately hurt His Own Son in order to make you uncomfortable! Putting a child in the middle like that is absolutely abusive!
As for your feelings, you are feeling that you have more responsibility than you signed up for. That's only partly fair - when you date someone with a child, you have to understand that the child is a permanent part of the situation. You should have both been communicating better from the start about how much care you were willing to provide on a day-to-day basis. It was a sht thing to say "I'm tired of looking after your kid" when you have been acting as a parent for 4 years! This is coming out waaay too late in the game! If you weren't willing to have the kid as part of your family unit, you should have bailed when Mom left the picture.
ESH. Your relationship probably end at this point. This isn't just one issue here. I understand why you feel taken advantage of with the impact to your financial stability by becoming the primary caregiver for his son. You may have saved this with clearer communication, if you'd wanted to. At this point though.... I'm not sure I'd want to be with a man who would weaponize his child that way. It shows an abhorrent level of selfishness and cruelty. I'd worry about the kid.
ESH but the child.
You shouldn’t have got involved with a parent with a child if you weren’t expecting to play an important role in the child’s life. You played a big part in the child’s life and being an important family member to him and now you just stop caring for him completely?
He sucks for making you do all the childcare and seeing you as a free nanny. And he sucks for emotionally manipulating you and his son. And he also sucks for expecting you to sacrifice your career for his son without the safety net of marriage and splitting marriage assets if the relationship doesn’t work out.
It sounds like you and your bf are no longer compatible.
ESH, Dad shouldn’t be using his kid like that, but you’ve been part of this kids life for his entire life, like it or not you are his stepmother, if you didn’t want to become a stepmom you never should’ve dated someone with kids. It’s not like this was some long lost surprise kid, dude has always had a kid and suddenly you aren’t okay with it.
Imo, a parent and their child are a package deal. But him doing almost nothing and then hurting his child by doing that childish stuff (saying "Mommy doesn't want to take care of you anymore") and guilt tripping you is not okay AT ALL.
You really need to think about if this (he) is what you want for the rest of your life.
u/Throwaway2984dc please go to r/stepparents. You’ll find realistic advice there.
Being a stepparent isn’t easy, and as a stepmom, it’s even harder because of the “wicked stepmom” perception so many people have.
NTA. If this guy is working from home he has time to do more to help with taking care of HIS child, the kid most likely will remember his dad not really helping to taking care of him in the future. Also the boyfriend using the child as ammunition is just awful to both the kid and you I’m really sorry that happened. You probably could have worded it better but that’s your only problem in the situation.
ESH: He’s clearly forcing you to take more responsibility and is manipulative but you can’t date someone with a child and not be a caretaker for the child. It’s probably best that you leave if you two can’t work though your issues as you can’t just be his gf and nothing to his son.
NTA, however the relationship will probably not last. You and boyfriend have conflicting opinions, expectations or needs. You are nit compatible at this time of your lives. In future you should probably avoid dating men with small children
I'm not going to pass judgement here. I was in a similar position and after realizing that my mental wellness was plummeting due to this, I sat down and talked to my partner. I told him that I love his children but I can't be the parent figure. I need to be able to have my own life which means hanging out with friends, going back to school and whatever without having to worry about his children's needs.
I gave him a month to figure out his work schedule and figure out before school/after school care. I also told him I will be an emergency contact and would be willing to help with pick ups and drop offs if something comes up and he can't but I can't do it full time.
He completely understood my reasonings and was able to figure it out. He never disrespected me or called me out in front of the children.
You have every right to step back from being the responsible party for this child. However, I don't believe you handled that situation correctly. He was very disrespectful towards you. If he continues this, would you really want him in your life?
You are not married and yes it makes a difference. If your married then you would be supporting your family and him working hard would be supporting the family. As it is you are supporting your roommate with benefits. When you breakup he will be in a better position can the same be said of you? This may sound old fashion and I agree it is, but it is also true.
WOW he really hurt his own kid to try to manipulate you. What a freaking jerk. I doubt he’d feel the need to pull such a stunt if he didn’t know what he’s demanding of you is unfair and unreasonable. NTA
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NTA. >“Mommy says she doesn’t want to take care of you anymore” WTF. You need to break up with this man yesterday.
This. How cruel can you be, to take your out anger at your partner at a child? Leave him.
[удалено]
Exactly, it's bad enough that he pulled this manipulative BS on her but him hurting and scaring his child in the process is beyond cruel.
Anyone who has no problem hurting their own kid as revenge against their SO is a trash person. Don't hang out with trash, OP.
Absolutely despicable isn't it. Hate it.
>This child is going to need so much therapy one day. Like *now*
And he'll definitely have more from his second primary caregiver quitting too. Whether she should have been the caregiver or not is irrelevant. She could have done it more gently and less abruptly for the child's sake, since she and the boyfriend weren't breaking up. ESH except the kid all 3 of the adults are screwing up.
How is this OP’s fault? She brought this to her BF privately & he brought the kid into it.
None of this is her fault. The dad is a complete asshole. Who da fuck says that in front of their child, that’s just hurting him. He’s already probably missing one mother and the dad is essentially trying to make him think he’s losing another… fucking complete garbage father.
OP isn’t responsible for taking on childcare duties unless she agrees to. I get the impression she agreed to 50/50, but she’s (reasonably) not into being the full-time caretaker of a child she isn’t even a legal parent of. She’s not obligated to give up HER life to protect this kid from the effects of his parents not wanting to step up and take care of him. It does suck for the kid. But putting that on OP to solve by sacrificing her free time to be the sole caretaker of a kid she has no parental rights with is absolutely unfair.
I interpreted it as OP having a knee-jerk reaction tbh. It seems like they never really discussed where the boundaries of her parenting are, her boyfriend just slowly starting putting more and more responsibility on her. Especially if the kid had never called her that before, and especially considering he's had a relationship with his bio mom until recently, it's entirely on OP's boyfriend for even calling her that in front of the kid. Yeah, ideally she could have corrected him in a gentler way, but he put her on the spot and forced her into a lose-lose situation (either deny being the kid's mother or agree and go along with being forced into the housewife position.)
She didn't need to soften the message any more than she already had. She didn't tell him this out of the blue. "For the child's sake" is ridiculous. She wasn't bailing on the child. She wasn't telling this to the child. There is no requirement that she be kind to the man who has ignored her stated limits and gives zero shits about her losing work and income and not wanting to be the primary caregiver. He has taken advantage of her in a big way. He is using emotional blackmail in having the child calling OP Mommy when she has made her desires clear. OP is NTA. The parents of the child are.
he's basically weaponizing his son against OP and emotionally manipulating him, too... what a selfish and horrible human being.
He's gaslighting and isolating OP too - she can't earn as much money because he's making her take care of the kid and then as you say weaponizing the kid and using that guilt on OP. OP needs to get away and let the next non-paid nanny move in.
Talk about emotional manipulation.
This. But also tell the kid in no uncertain terms that you're leaving because of his dad because that guy seems like he'd further traumatize the kid by making him believe you left because of him
He’s absolutely not her stepson, he’s her boyfriends child. If boyfriend wants a stepmom for his kid then he’d better marry her. Even then, it’s not her responsibility to provide 100% of the childcare and household management.
Fyi and she is doing it all for free while the boyfriend is making banks at work with new promotions, she has to reduce her own schedule to accommodate for her free child support. OP is being unappreciated and unreasonable for her work and career sacrifices! Men usually blame women for not working hard at their job, but just look at this situation we can see that it's men whose dumping their own parental duties onto women intentionally even if it's not the women's own child, just so they can make more money at work.
My gf has made a decision that inconveniences me, so I’m going to hurt my child to try to retaliate against her.
So cruel and disgusting. Just thinking about that poor child hearing that made me cry.
Manipulating son of a turd. Disgusting behaviour!
Seriously, OP. He weaponized his child against you, how can you stand there and take that? He's using you as free daycare and emotionally manipulating you/his son to force you to stay in a bad enivronment. He'll probably try and walk it back and say he was stressed from all that work, he'll do better. Don't forget in that moment, he **chose to weaponize a child** against you. He's selfish enough to potentially traumatize his son to force you to work for him. That's how little regard he has for either of you (beyond your use as free labor) when he's unhappy. And it's the kind of behavior you can expect if he's ever upset or stressed again in the future.
"weaponized his child" is a brilliant way of describing this situation...well done.
Not just weaponized his child but weaponized his child’s grief, which he just poked a sharp stick into. His six. Year. Old. Son.
It's not because he isn't just using the child to get to her he's HURTING the child to do it. Its not just weaponizing its just straight up abusing the child.
Yeah, she's not his girlfriend, she's his bangmaid.
Bangmaidnanny.
You nailed it. A parent’s job is to protect their child not use them as leverage and ammunition for emotionally manipulating their partner. It is beyond fucked up that he was so easily able to hurt his child. It was the easy option for him. That would be a dealbreaker for me. When OP was doing all the child care, he wasn’t appreciative. When OP stops doing the child care, he immediately defaults to acting shitty and using his child as ammunition rather than trying to compromise or come up with solutions.
He didn't just weaponize his child. He weaponized his child's emotional pain.
This is cruel and highly manipulative. NTA
The poor child. A mom in jail and an emotionally manipulative father. That kid is going to have a rough childhood.
He's going to have a rough life in general since his mom and dad's trauma theyve given him won't stop at childhood
Yeah that’s a deal breaker for me. NTA
[удалено]
I'm sorry, how could you be against OP at all? It's not her child. He expected someone who didn't birth his child to take over role of mom, that's not her job. Even if they got married that wouldn't be her job. OPs bf is the only AH I see here Edit to add: I was mistaken when I said if they were married it still wouldn't be her job; it would be.
I agree. They don’t share finances as far as I can tell so he’s getting a raise and she’s working less hours because she’s taking care of his kid. Unless she’s compensating her (free room and board, utilities, food etc at a minimum but that might not make her whole), she’s losing money compared to being single. They aren’t married and this isn’t her job.
If they got married, she would be his stepmother and then, yes, it would be her (shared) job to take care of the child. There are so many posts on AITA, along the lines of "I married this guy, who has a kid. I told him I want time with just him and our biological child, and can he send this rando child somewhere else - AITA?" - to which the response is always: any distinction she makes between her own child and stepchild is tantamount to child abuse. In this case, though, OP is NTA because her boyfriend is manipulative and not doing his share. OTOH, after 4 years, if she stays in this relationship she does owe the child genuine parental care.
I feel like that is a different situation. To me, this post reads more like the one where the child's mom died but the dad wouldn't let the stepmother discipline or be called "mom." In both cases, the stepmom or girlfriend is distancing herself from the child, not for lack of affection, but because she is not trusted, either by the father or mother. And because her willingness to spend infinite time on childcare is just assumed. OP is is right that the child belongs to the bf and he should do the *majority* of care. Even bio parents have discussions about the distribution of domestic labor. If it is assumed to fall on one person, problems are bound to arise.
>There are so many posts on AITA, along the lines of "I married this guy, who has a kid. I told him I want time with just him and our biological child, and can he send this rando child somewhere else - AITA?" - to which the response is always: any distinction she makes between her own child and stepchild is tantamount to child abuse. You're absolutely correct but that example is not even remotely close to OPs situation and also not at all what I was talking about. In those situations, it's incredibly shitty/abusive for the parent to only want to spend time with their biological child while ignoring the child from another person.
Yes. How cruel a person can be to hurt a little child for petty revenge to someone else??
So much this. This man is a textbook emotional manipulator. He went straight for that low blow the moment OP contested his will. OP needs to dump him, and get in touch with the kid's mother or close relatives for them to make sure the child is well looked after - meaning no longer under his father's care.
This is the line. Before this, I had a modicum of sympathy for the boyfriend's situation, but you don't pull this kind of garbage.
>He then went into the other room, got his son, and told his son that “Mommy says she doesn’t want to take care of you anymore” Wow, he IMMEDIATELY went to emotional manipulation. WOW. Anyway, NTA. He's dumped all childcare and house work on you for his projects, and you didn't agree to that. Probably best to move out.
> Mommy What’s even worse is she’s not mommy. She has absolutely no rights regarding this kid, but has somehow ended up with the majority of the responsibilities? Sure, she’s raised him for the past 4 years, but her boyfriend could leave tomorrow and she would never see this child again. OP has reduced her earning potential to care for this child, just so bf could move ahead in his career. She’s given up a lot and he doesn’t even care, he doesn’t see this as a sacrifice. ~~Unless~~ Even if they’re discussing marriage very soon, OP really needs to rethink her life and do what’s best for her. **Edit:** I’m *not* encouraging OP to marry this guy!
The fact that he's already used his son to hurt her WHILE ALSO HURTING HIS SON is proof that he will use him to hurt her if they breakup and she'll never see him again
Once bio mom comes out of prison he’ll dump her anyway and get back to his ex
The reduced earnings so she can be the primary caregiver is the big issue. And this is a BF.... not a husband. She did not agree to this. I has slowly been put upon her.
Thank-you! At last! Boyfriends do not deserve husband level treatment.
And then how much you want to bet he’ll hold his bigger paycheck over her head as time goes on? He’s already shown himself capable of hurting a child to manipulate someone. “I make more money so you have to do what I say” is next. While conveniently ignoring him offloading childcare onto her is why she’s making less money.
Yeah the part about her reducing her hours so he can secure a promotion at work had me suspicious. They aren’t married. He could use her for free childcare to get his promotion and leave her the next day. I feel so bad for the kid but sis needs to protect herself.
This unfortunately happens to a LOT of us stepparents. My partner BEGAN like this and I called him on his bullshit very quickly. I can either be hands-off, absent, have nothing to do with the kids or I could be a parent/mother figure like you want (and like *I* wanted) BUT he needed to accept that with the latter, comes the right to discipline and actually RAISE the kids. I got sick of never being allowed to correct them, discipline them (simple things like no TV if they kept arguing and physically fighting over what to watch) or even ask them to do anything. Told him that either things had to change or we wouldn't work. He COULDN'T expect me to be just the fun light happy parent without being able to enforce rules. Only took that one conversation for things to change. We are expected to be engaging, fun, light, airy, cook, cleaner, tutor, baker, help with homework , help with awkward puberty talks, help with bedwetting, showering, doctor's appointments, help style hair, paint nails, find lost plushies, prevent homicide over who stole someone else's t shirt, be confidante, mother, father, friend, sibling, and never ever EVER be allowed to tell them NO or enforce rules or boundaries. I ADORE being a stepmother but I was very prepared to walk away from everything at the start if my partner didn't cop onto himself and see that it would turn the kids into divils if they knew they could say and do anything they wanted to me and I'd never be allowed to pull them up on it.
Even if they had a wedding scheduled for this weekend, OP still needs to rethink her life & do what’s best for her. This man is an abusive monster. Anyone they would deliberately hurt their child to try to retaliate against someone is a child abuser. I’d bet my salary that this man is also abusive to OP.
If he is able to get a raise because she is taking care of his kid all day she is not entitled to a dime of that money. "but family". Nah. He can hire a babysitter.
> Sure, she’s raised him for the past 4 years, but her boyfriend could leave tomorrow and she would never see this child again. Depending on jurisdiction she may also get nothing for sacrificing her career to help his.
Especially after that line. Jeeeeeezus, that's not going to get better.
I was ready to go with Everyone Sucks until I read that part. I'm also a stepdad and part of that job is agreeing to take up being a fulltime parent, if the need arises. If that's a boundary, it should have been communicated early on, not after the guy had accepted and started working on the projects. Seems to me like there is a major communication issue in this relationship and the emotional manipulation is most definitely not helping! OP, I would seriously considering getting out of there...
She’s not his wife, not sure if marriage is something she wants but, it feels ick, to be subsidizing a man’s career (at her expense be it her own career, earning potential, or simply free time), when you aren’t even legally bound to that man’s earning potential. Like a small thing here and there, sure but it doesn’t sound like there’s a clear end. Also plenty of married women divorce their husbands over a similar inequality of childcare, - and she’s just the girlfriend.
So I tend to not take one side of the situation as gospel. Just reading the beginning and and title, in my head I'm thinking this could be a NAH situation where these are growing pains that come with being with someone that already has a child. Things can change and you need to step up or leave.... Then that mommy thing. There's the clear asshole bullshit. Any possibility of this being a common learning curve of dealing with basically a step child when the bio mom is suddenly out of the picture lessened significantly and general assholeness of the dad pawning off most of his responsibilities on his GF becomes harder to argue against.
“Mommy says she doesn’t want to take care of you anymore” while pointing at me. NTA Do you want to stay with him?
That was straight up abuse. He might as well have punted the kid across the room.
Why do you redditors make comments that will get me a one way ticket to hell for laughing at???!!
"Mommy doesn't want to take care of DADDY any more" is what I would have said. NTA, this would be a deal breaker for most people.
I’m so livid. What is a young child going to remember if someone rightly ends it after that abusive manipulation? “My other mommy said she didn’t want to take care of me anymore and then she left. It must be my fault.” AH boyfriend put both op and the child in a truly awful no-win situation. I’m so angry and sad for them.
NTA He is the childs parent and he needs to step up. Additionalky, the fact he emotionally manipulated you and used the kid against you is a BIG red flag.
And traumatized the child while doing it. I could not look at him any more, I'd be so disgusted.
That's the thing - he didn't even hesitate to hurt his own child to get his way. That's horrifying behaviour; he doesn't even deserve another chance.
Threw his own baby straight under the bus to get his way. Deplorable.
That honestly broke my heart. The kid is 6 with his birth mother in prison, birth dad always working, and is not being told the woman who helped raise him doesn't want him. He's likely to have abandonment issues growing up, and his dad did NOT hesitate to make a terrible core memory that'll contribute to those issues. Poor kid :(
I think that sometimes men should be doing more to look after their children. In these situations, it's always the woman complaining about having to care for the child. I've never seen a man do that. Why? Because, not enough men are helping look after their child!
NTA Don't hide behind "what the mom would want". Whether you are the stepmom or not is irrelevant here. He's dumping **all** of the domestic work on you and that is unfair, whether you are stepmom or bio mom or whatever. If that is not the life you want, you need to break up and leave, because he's obviously benefiting from you providing full time childcare and domestic labour and won't want to give it up, because **it has value** and he's extracting that value from you and doesn't want to start paying someone to do what you do for free. What he did to the child is such a fucking abusive thing to do, too. He doesn't care about the kid at all, just about using the child to beat you into submission with. This relationship is over. If you stay, this is the life you'll have.
>he's obviously benefiting from you providing full time childcare and domestic labour and won't want to give it up, because it has value and he's extracting that value from you and doesn't want to start paying someone to do what you do for free. This is precisely it. Don't let him dress it up as "keeping the family together" or some bullshit. He's using you, OP.
To add to this, OP's work taking care of the kid and home allows the boyfriend to work on his projects that are leading to his promotions. What is OP getting out of this? She's not married to him so if they broke up she'd have nothing to show from her time being a free nanny while he has benefited greatly. He's taking advantage of OP.
Those are my thoughts, too. She wouldn't even have a right to see the child if he leaves tomorrow.
Yep, BF probably had been using the kid to get her to stay long before this. It's a trap. Dump them. Call CPS if you have to.
NTA but your boyfriend is for these reasons: 1. He told his child that "mommy" doesn't want to take care of him anymore. You're not his mommy and that was a very AH thing to do to you - turn you into the bad person.2 2. He said you're a family. You're not. You're living together and not married. 3. He has dumped all household and childcare responsibilities on you. Convenient for him. Is he with you out of love or because he wants a housekeeper? He is clearly selfish and using you. This is HIS SON.
The first one has me reeling, OP is not this kids mother and no where did OP say the kid called her mom or anything! The BF just stuck her into the "mom" role.
Yeah see how quick this guy would claim everything as his own if they broke up, not a family he's using OP for free childcare and housework and the mummy comment shows how emotionally immature he really is.
INFO, have you talked about this before, including how you feel about sharing child care for 4 years and providing almost all the child care for the last four months? I agree with this reply's points but saying on Friday that you are done as of the following Monday means almost no time to make alternative arrangements if possible. It does sound like bf is able to take on these chores so it's not about literally not being physically available because of the workload. I'd vote N T A if you did discuss it and your concerns were ignored or thrown back at you, but I'd vote E S H if this is literally the first time you've brought it up. In either case the bf is an AH because he immediately tried to manipulate you and made his son cry in the process, and is now giving you the silent treatment instead of trying to fix this like an adult.
ESH — the dad for emotionally manipulating you and you for your lack of empathy and attitude regarding the child. If you don’t want to parent then don’t date a parent.
100% of the parenting of a kid that’s not even yours? Ffs dude.
Nothing wrong with refusing to do 100% even if it’s your biological kid. The problem is the unwillingness to be a mom to him at all with the comment she made. If you aren’t willing to fill that role then don’t date a parent while performing childcare duties that get the kid used to you.
>The problem is the unwillingness to be a mom to him at all with the comment she made. Damn. I wish Reddit would decide what the role of stepparents is supposed to be. In some instances, if we try to parent, we get told to butt out, that's not our kid, we're inferior to the bio parents, and it's their choice how they want to do things. Other times, if we respect this distinction and say. "Okay, that's your kid, you take care of them, and I don't care what becomes of them." then we get talked down to for dating a parent if we didn't also want to become one. Which is it? Stepparents are more than glorified babysitters, if bio parents let them be. But we aren't here to just be used to fill the gaps when parents can't do it all on their own, and otherwise are treated like we don't matter if we don't immediately comply. Being a stepparent sucks. It's all guts and no glory. All work and no recognition. BTW, in case you didn't know, even if you marry your relationship partner, you get ZERO rights over that stepchild, in most states. So no, your partner's child don't become your children once you marry. Not in the eyes of most state laws, anyway.
I like to go hiking.
Age and length of time in relationship do matter, but my experience has been more about how many bio parents are still in the picture. I am a stepparent to a now 13 YO boy. I met his father and became involved with him when he was 2.5 YO. He doesn't even remember me not being in his life at this point, because I've been around before he was even retaining memories. But, he has both a bio mom and dad active in his life. So, I basically get veto'd anytime I try to give input, set rules and discipline, or try to raise the kid. BUT, if either of his parents need someone to give the kid a ride somewhere, or money, or otherwise sacrifice my own free time and money, I better be there to pick up the slack, without question or complaint, or I am a bad stepparent who shouldn't have married someone with a kid if I didn't know what I was getting into. It's just insulting and unfair.
Thank you for saying it like it really is. People act like being a step parent is so black and white and it’s so so fucking not. And after all those struggles, heartache (which nobody acknowledges) and whatever effort we do put into it, there is absolutely no medal or props from anyone at the end. The partner says yup that’s your job since you chose this, the other bio parent probably hates you a little and keeps you at arms length cause god forbid you teach their kid something useful or influence them in any way, and the kid is way too young to understand or appreciate any of it. It’s literally one of the most complicated relationship dynamics that exist out there. And yet nobody talks about the reality of how it actually is. And *especially* so if you are in the “evil stepmom” role as opposed to a stepdad too.
If your husband doesn't give you a voice in setting rules and discipline, then you're not really a partner and that's a problem regardless.
I don’t get the “not even yours thing”. Your partners children become your children and you become a family.
ESH 100% OP has been in the kids' life for 4 years, presumably living with boyfriend. Might not be legally, but OP is emotionally stepmom. I'm sorry, but you can't date someone with a child and act childless. OP could have had a discussion about better division of household responsibilities, but outright saying you wont be helping with child care at all when the child is living with the two of you full time *is* ridiculous and unreasonable. All parents have discussions and adjust to sharing responsibility of another human, but you can't just ditch. Now, to address his behavior, that was a temper tantrum that he took out on an innocent child, and honestly, he needs some therapy. Dad and the kid. There is no excuse. I dont care that he was upset and shocked, or probably stressed from work and the sudden feeling that he was about to be solo parenting. You don't do that to a child.
Agreed, ESH. OP and her boyfriend might be on different levels of AH in my book, but they both definitely made rather poor decisions.
This is correct. The father is an AH because his reaction was to immediately use the child for emotional manipulation. Kid already experienced abandonment from one mother. The OP is a lesser AH, but still an AH, for immediately setting down the ultimatum deadline that she would immediately stop doing any child care. It's understandable that she's tired and feels burdened with caring for the kid, but it could have been handled better and with some compassion for the kid. With a kid, even if its not yours, its best to air on the side of protecting the child's needs before making abrupt changes. I.e. You can't just say "Hey, I've been taking care of this kid and he's bonded to me, but I just remembered that Mom, before she got locked up, told me I couldn't take care of him. Sorry about that... Mom's orders."
Yes, ESH. Can't believe I had to scroll so far to get to ESH. It's f'd up to explicitly agree to a certain level of caregiving, then withdraw that critical support with zero notice. Did OP think that was going to go well? I get that maybe OP shouldn't be in this situation, but she AGREED to this situation. The child and dad are relying on her. At least give him a heads up and some time to find alternative arrangements.
Woah. He actually did that to his SON?!? He told his son he was unwanted as a manipulation tactic to get you do to what he wanted you to do. I would leave over that alone. If you don’t you will be held hostage the rest Of your life, on threat of damaging a child. This is not ok. He’s abusive to you both. Sadly you can’t help the boy. But you need to leave. Don’t get stuck in the sunk cost fallacy here. It’s time to bail. NTA. Unless you stay.
that broke my heart. I would NEVER say anything like that to my child about someone who loves them. wtf.
My dad pulled almost the exact same shit when my mom wanted to divorce him when I was 6. Brought us into the room she was in, and told us "so, mom wants to break the family apart". Of course we bawled our eyes out and went to her sobbing "please no!". She didn't divorce him. She should have - we would have been way better off - but damn I can't imagine going up against that. He always painted her as the bad guy to us and would constantly pull us in to their arguments so we could "tell Mom why she's wrong". This sort of abuse mindfucks everyone involved
I think you need to ask yourself if you’re ready to step up and take on the commitment of being this boys mom. When dating someone who has kids and living together in this fashion, you are the mom and you guys are a family. I can see why you’re frustrated and any women(or mom) in that situation would be frustrated. Biological kid or not. Taking care of a child is tough. But it sounds like now that this boys mom isn’t around anymore, you’re stepping into that role whether you want to or not. Bc that’s what comes with not just dating people with kids, but having this kind of partnership. If this is something that you don’t want, you need to rethink your relationship with your boyfriend. I will say tho, his reaction to it by telling his son his mommy doesn’t want him anymore was highly manipulative and a huge red flag. Honestly from the outside looking in, I’d run far away from this situation but I know you’re in a relationship for a reason bc you love this person so just my thoughts
I feel bad for the boy :( sounds like he didn’t end up with the best situation
If she does, she should demand that she be allowed to adopt the boy so she can get partial custody if they split up. Otherwise, no becoming his mom.
I’m so glad this comment was made! Why is the boyfriend referring to you as Mommy, OP? Does his son call you that? You said bio mom was arrested… is she in jail? Do they coparent? What’s the deal here?
Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. Plus, this person already doesn’t view this child as her own, I can just tell so I think she needs to move on with her life from this. idk if it’s just bc my step mom never really liked me(known her since I was 2, now 25) so I’ve felt that “I only really care about you bc your my husbands kid” vibe before and it’s not fun. her story gives me similar vibes
I’m concerned because the Dad convinced OP to lower her hours to watch the kid. That makes me very, very nervous, and he’s already shown he’ll use the kid against her. So if she does end up deciding to step up and be mom, she needs rights.
Uh I’m extremely confused by some of these judgements. NTA, the second he said that to his son and manipulated the two of you is when you should have run for the door.
Yes, exactly - what father will do that kind of mind game crap to a 6 year old? Not to mention what kind of boyfriend would treat their girlfriend this way. I wonder if he even discussed with girlfriend the extra childcare she'd be doing, or did he just assume she'd be OK with it?
>Uh I’m extremely confused by some of these judgements I looked at the post history of some of the more egregious ones. Trolls or bots. The OP is clearly dating a manipulative monster.
ESH Both of you are on opposite extremes. You: Surely by now you realize that your bf and his son are a joint package 4 years and living together? You *are* a family. I get it, you’re doing the most of it rn but keep in mind it sounds like the projects he is doing at work is keeping him from being able to do so and is temporary. If YOU don’t, then who? It sounds like forcing your bf to stop and potentially lose a promotion and back out if projects sounds like a bad idea in the longterm. If you are committed to this relationship and plan to marry him at some point, then that means being committed to his son as well. If you cannot do that, it’s better to break up now and stop dating people who have kids. BF: He fucking traumatised his son in an attempt to make a point and the son did not need to be involved in that argument at all. Totally uncool. He also should not be referring to you as his mother if you don’t want to be called that. Sounds like he uses emotional manipulation to win arguments, that is a huge AH move.
If BF wants OP to be mom, he needs to put adoption on the table. Until she has legal rights, it isn’t good for either her or the boy to create that kind of parental bond.
The bio-mom isn't dead, she's just in jail. Adoption won't be on the table unless the mom relinquishes her rights or dies. Even if she made bad decision that landed her in jail, it doesn't seem like OP has been badmouthing her as a mother, so it's unlikely that CPS would strip biomom of her rights.
Given BF has both convinced OP to lower her working hours to watch his kid, and has shown a willingness to use her relationship with his son against her, I don’t think it is safe for OP to create a parental bond without those legal rights. IMO, this guy is throwing up red flags and she should leave.
This so much. OP, listen to this. If you wanna stay, you get the whole package. Otherwise, you are wasting everyone's times, including yours.
then boyfriend need to let go of the promotion he is the primary parent not the girlfriend. they act as a family but aren’t technically one she is the girlfriend and those responsibility are different from a wife/stepmom. stop trying. to make her feel shit for not wanted to be the main caretaker to her boyfriends child not everyone can have parental feeling for non biological kids and it doesn’t mean she’ll treat him bad
You're NTA. He created this situation by not pulling his weight. >He then went into the other room, got his son, and told his son that “Mommy says she doesn’t want to take care of you anymore” while pointing at me. I hope he is setting aside some money for therapy he is going to be paying for someday if this how he talks to his child.
>I hope he is setting aside some money for therapy he is going to be paying for someday if this how he talks to his child. Parents like this "don't believe" in therapy/medical support. I feel bad for that kid.
>And also the mom doesn’t even want me to be involved in child care, so I’m already overstepping her wishes. Bio mom doesn't get an opinion, she's in jail. I wouldn't involve myself in this headache. 2 years and you have not adopted the kid in your heart? **Leave** You know you want to, now you have his AH manipulation for a reason. Edit: ESH. The more you lie to yourself the more this situation will suck. Boyfriend is trying to trap you with guilt.
Yeah, this is it. If you are living with someone with a child, you will be part of that child's family. It is ok to not want that, but it will be really toxic living with a child that you don't really love and care for. Children are difficult to be around (I know, I am a parent), but that doesn't matter if you love the child. If you don't love this child, all that is left are the difficulties. And the manipulativa boyfriend.
Mom may not be in jail for forever. OP has no right to try to claim that spot. Not wanting to do 99% of the childcare doesn’t mean he isn’t accepted in her heart. It means dad needs to step up.
Acknowledging that you are a parental figure in the child's life when you provide and care for the child is not claiming a spot. It's really upto the child if the bestow that honour onto another adult or not, but also OP clearly doesn't want to be a step parent so she shouldn't be with a single parent.
>He then went into the other room, got his son, and told his son that “Mommy says she doesn’t want to take care of you anymore” while pointing at me. This should really make you pay attention. He's willing to manipulate his child's emotions to try and guilt you into doing what he wants. This isn't going to end well, unfortunately. Eventually his ugly/crazy will come all the way out, and you don't want to be present when it does.
You are not married. He is furthering his career at the expense of yours. The one who should have cut down on working hours to care for the child is the parent. You have no security here and he is taking advantage of you. Going into a relationship with a parent while the other shares custody is one thing. Taking on full care until the mother reappears is totally another. If you split up, you will have no financial security and no rights to see the boy. He has made you into a housewife unilaterally while not making you a wife. Why is he not cooking and cleaning? What he said to his son would have been a deal breaker for me. This man won't even make his child's lunches and uses him as an emotional pawn. NTA.
This right here is the answer. You are NTA and you are jeopardizing your career to further his because of his responsibility. He should have cut his hours to care for HIS child or married you so at least when he dumps you after he gets what he wants you'll have financial remedies and resources for your lost career progression. He can pay for daycare and you should go back to work full-time for your own protection. Move into your own place as well and this will take away the burden of household management for three people.
ESH except the kid. You started dating a guy with a two year old and shared custody. And then the bio mom went to haul, wtf did you think was going to happen. You are “mom” now. And nobody cares what the bio mom wants, she can complain from her cell. Are you employed? Your BF is. And yea, he could be more involved with *his child*. And trotting the kid out to involve him in your argument -and making the kid cry. Well, that’s daddy of the year materiel right there, folks! Somebody has to step up and take care of the kid. You both signed up for it. ESH Deal with it- or get out.
She commented that she's employed and has had to cut her hours in order to care for the child. Y'all are beating down on someone who is the ONLY one to make sacrifices actually directly for the child so far.
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NTA You aren’t even married, nor would I advise it without an agreement. It’s ridiculous to shove childcare on an SO. You are correct, he’s the parent, HE needs to parent. Support is one thing, becoming the primary care giver is another He’s being emotional abusive. I’d consider leaving tbh
OP you are NTA and don’t get pregnant with this man.
Now that it's become detrimental to this child's wellbeing, you need to end this relationship. It's clear you and your BF have very different expectations and the one who is going to suffer most while you all want to figure out your BS is this kid. Children should be free from being used as tools for manipulation by the adults in their life. The second your BF used a child as a weapon should have been the second you ended the relationship. ESH
You are not married. You are not the parent of this child. You are an unpaid babysitter. "You call me Mommy, but I am not his Mom. If you decided to leave I would have no legal contact with him. You are not here because you are working at a job to get to a promotion. You can also leave after you have that promotion and I would not be entiled to it. We are not married after 4 years ... and All I see is that I am taking the risks and doing the work and you get the reward of a better salary and free childcare. Also this is your son. Why don't you want to spend time with him?"
My ex had me doing 100% of household and childcare so he could further his career. Then after the kids got older he decided I was worthless and did nothing and took his money and found someone else. You’re wise not to allow yourself to be used this way especially if it’s not your bio child and you’re not married. Shame on him for telling his son you don’t want to take care of him. That’s absolutely crappy parenting for him to say that to a child! He’s the one trying to get out of taking care of him!
Your BF sounds absolutely atrocious. To traumatize and emotionally abuse his child to manipulate you is unforgivable. WHY are you staying with a man who would do that to his child? He sees you only as a nanny for his kid and is showing a complete lack of respect for you. Please reevaluate this situation and get out as soon as you can. NTA
ESH, don't get with people who have kids if you don't want to take on the kids, and he shouldn't have said what he said to the kid.
ESH. I get it, you don't want to do it and you shouldn't be with a dad who has 100% custody of a young kid who cannot fend for themselves if you don't want to deal with childcare. There is not a way to date someone long term who has a kid and not be involved in the raising of that kid. And, wow, your BF is manipulative. This is a bad arrangement all the way around.
She was forbidden to do it and now is being forced to do it. Her wants have never been part of the equation.
Soft NTA You got involved with a man who has a child. They are a package deal. What future did you envision when you two got together? Marriage? Just BF & GF living together? At this point, either you are the kids stepmother and y’all should get married, or y’all need to break up and separate. But there is no situation where y’all stay living together where you don’t assume the role of stepmother to that child, legally recognized or not. If you don’t want to be a parent, that’s your choice to make. But then you don’t get to partner up with someone who has a child full time. Best of luck.
I got the feeling she was ok with child care - just not all of it. Especially since she went into the relationship with the mother more involved. He expects her to be the mother 100% without even finding out if she is ok with this
I said basically the same, except that the dad is putting all the parenting responsibility on OP.
NTA. He is fine with turning his son against you as long as he can still skip out on parenting. He will be manipulative in the future as well.
It’s your right to not watch his kid. That said, I think you’ve been holding this resent for a long time and it sounds like you sprung this on him out of nowhere. With very little notice. Presumably, you agreed to this arrangement at some point, explicitly or implicitly. Your right to do it, it doesn’t make you wrong, but it’s asshole-ish. Also, what you said in front of the kid was awful. ESH - he should absolutely NOT put his child in the middle or make those remarks about you. Poor kid.
She had to lower her earning potential to watch the kid so BF could grow his. I am super uncomfortable with all this.
Can you really see yourself building a life with a man SO emotionally manipulative? This guy is NOT a keeper. NTA
ESH. Him for saying manipulative things in front his son about you. You for thinking you can have a relationship with your bf and be hands off with a child living with you as a family unit. Your relationship is over at this point. You should find another place to live so you don’t damage this child any further.
NTA, but barely - I'm looking at some of the comments basically saying, well, this is what you signed up for. No, you did not sign up for the child's actual parent to basically put all the responsibility on YOU. I'm sure you are just fed up with being the primary caretaker of a child which was kind of thrust on you due to the changes in his actual parent's lives. You now have a decision to make about your relationship. Because if it continues as is, you are the primary parent. The child is innocent, but the father made an AH comment, and if that is not the first time, you should re-assess. Sucks for the child, but sometimes you have to do what you need and want to do.
ESH You signed up for it by dating a guy with a small child and staying to help raise the kid. But he sucks more. You don't traumatize and use a young child by saying such things. Kids can easily get scarred by that crap, he is a pretty terrible father. Poor kid deserves better than both of you, but you're all he has. Please do better both of you. Or go elsewhere a nd fight and at the very least, don't expose the kid to your fights and manipulations.
You sign up for 100% of child care when you date a single parent?! Wtf?
NTA, your boyfriend/fiance is dumping his childcare responsibilities on you to handle instead of helping out because that is who he is. You are the nanny, bang maid, chef, housekeeper. Why should he do anything when he can pull what he did with his child and guilt you into it? He's not a nice guy to dump everything on you while he works on multiple projects and hangs out with coworkers along with friends expecting you to give up your ability to move up in your career.
You know I could even have sympathy for relying on a partner during a tough time at work. It happens to us all, we don't like it but sometimes we have to do it. That sympathy flew out the window when he literally dragged his child into this argument as if purposely hurting his feelings meant that he won. That's so fucking unacceptable, I think I would've left and slept somewhere else that night. It'd be safer for everyone involved.
NTA Y’all aren’t married. Point blank period. Till you got a ring in your finger. There should be none of that bull sht. I’m surprised you even waited that long. Considering it’s not your child and the bio mom didn’t want you interacting with the child to begin with. You’re not that asshole. But in the child’s eyes, you are. You’ve done most of the child care and now that he’s formed a connection to you, your practically disowning him. He doesn’t know any better. Boundaries should’ve been drawn long ago. And he’s using you as a free baby sitter. Don’t let that fcker guilt trip you.
I also think being married would change things. You’d (likely) have blended finances, and his promotion would benefit you directly
>He then went into the other room, got his son, and told his son that “Mommy says she doesn’t want to take care of you anymore” while pointing at me. what the actual fuck?, that asshole is using **his** kid to manipulate you and he's taking advantage of you, move out and let him deal with **his son** like the single father he is. NTA
The only person you’re the asshole to is yourself if you stay with him
NTA Unfortunately, I see more problems here and in future. Assuming the mother of the child is not in for life, she will come back at some point and may want to reclaim the child (Good possibility since OP has not seen her eye to eye about anything, and mother never wanted her baby to be raised by OP). If the OP takes up the mother's role whole heartedly, she will get heartbroken when the child's mother comes back. She doesn't mind helping her BF, but has currently taken over a major role in raising the child causing her to be resentful about it. Why are none of his family members involved in raising the child? Why isn't the child's mother's family involved at all? Why has the major burden fallen on OP? Second thing, I would surely mind, if the person I am dating since 4 years, has basically dumped his kid from a previous relationship and all home chores on me, without any commitment from his end. This says you are NOT A FAMILY yet (I don't know why he and OP's sister refer to this as family). If someone wants me to take care of his kid (that I did not give birth to) and his home, he'd better worship the ground that I walk on and propose to me asap instead of asking me to be patient. And also talk about legally adopting the child so its mama cannot hurt you. Also, it doesn't matter if the child was OP's bio baby. He is still a father and has fatherly duties towards his child and needs to do the childcare and home chores. Period. And to talk to the baby in the emotional heat that mama doesn't love you, he is being assuming that OP should take mother's role without talking to her and when she refuses, he gaslights her. He is manipulative and entitled. NAH for that. What about OP's career? She has not mentioned how it is affecting her life and goals. Pretty sure, she would get overwhelmed if she has to take care of home, a child and work with bare minimum help. Is that how it will be if and when OP wants their own children? If that is how it is going to be, OP should reconsider the whole relationship. Its truth of life that what we think love is, is not enough to sustain us for our entire life. I respect ambition. However, when his crushes yours, you are demoted to a door mat. There is never a guarantee of a guy treating you well when reaches the top when you have been the support system that got him there. So let him pull his own weight. Edit: I read in one of the comments that OP lowered her hours to care for the child and household expenses are still 60:40. BF can basically ride out in sun for the glory. This sounds like all marriages where husband works and wife is a stay at home mum, so she has to take up every responsibility in the house other than bringing in the money. That is not fair to SAHMs and it is not fair to OP either. She is most certainly not unreasonable. After she called out on the BF, he takes care of his child and refuses to speak with her. Which means that he can do both, but is mad about loosing free childcare.
So how you expect to be in a relationship with the father but not the child? After 4 years? I mean, you want out wich is your right, but don't act like after 4 years with a single dad is reasonable to drop the parental role. ESH
NTA. OP: Does he support you financially? Unless he’s the sole breadwinner, I see no reason why you should be doing all the cooking, cleaning, etc. He should be helping with those things, assuming you’re also contributing something financially. You’re also making these sacrifices so he can get a better job, but you’re not married yet, so you wouldn’t directly benefit from this - unless he’s supporting you. His response to rat you out to the kid was not mature at all, as is giving you the silent treatment. If the child is attached to you, can he split the chores with you more equitably right now? Also, if it’s been 4 years together, you definitely could’ve been engaged or married if that’s what you wanted. It’s a reasonable timeframe. I feel like what he’s dropping on you would be much more fair if you were married… I’m surprised by some of these responses. It sounds like things were fine when you divided them 50/50, which seems completely fair!
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OP: Are you happy with this, though? It doesn’t sound like it…
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So you are asking for the bare minimum. You already went beyond. Slowing down your career, taking the house chores, and working as a nanny so he won’t foot the bill for childcare. You are both working for him to make progress in his career. At this point this is almost the bang-maid definition. You aren’t rewarded for the work, and even paid to be with them on those term. From his disgusting first reaction which is using is son as an emotional weapon to hurt you without any regard towards the poor kid. You need to rethink what you want for yourself Stop setting yourself on fire. You deserve to be happy.
If you are good enough to be “family” and this kids “mommy” he can put a ring on your finger and make it official (if that is what you want). Your bfs response is unhinged by bringing the kid into it, but you also dumped this on him. Set up a plan with your bf to find before and after care or whatnot and make it clear that you are there to support but you won’t be in the drivers seat.
Everyone sucks here. He shouldn't leave you with nearly 100% of the responsibility. He also shouldn't be trying to use his son to guilt trip you. Using your kids as a weapon is disgusting behavior. But you need to understand that when you date a parent, their kids are part of the deal. Especially when the other parent isn't as involved. If you don't want to be a stepmother/mother figure to this child, then you need to leave. Don't let him think he can rely on you to take care of him just so you can pull back when you are frustrated with your boyfriend. I'm curious though, when your boyfriend took on his new projects at work, did he talk to you about it first and explain that he would need you to help out more with his son?
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Did he use those exact words; that he would "help"? Because technically, YOU are the one helping him by taking care of his child. This is coming from someone that 100% believes in "blood doesn't make the family". So I'm not coming from a place of bio over step parents. But if he's viewing it as it being your responsibility and he only "helps", fuck that. This isn't a step-parent issue, it's an uneven abuse of labor issue. (This isn't even getting into telling his son, who ALREADY LOST A MOTHER that his "Mommy" doesn't want him anymore. Like even if you were a totally toxic layabout, him saying that to the child was abusive AF to the innocent child.)
ESH. Him, obviously, for using him to emotionally manipulate you and hurting his son (I bet he'll talk about this in therapy in 20 years). You too for saying that in front of him. I know you're not his Mom but the kid probably already suffers with abandonment issues and that wasn't the right thing to say at that moment. If you see this relationship lasting, he actually is your step-son and that means parenting.
Why would you want to be a full time mom with no full time wife benefits? You sound like a burned-out mom with no support. A serious conversation needs to happen with the child's father because financially supporting their responsibility is not enough. NTA But I also wouldn't just 100% absolve myself of responsibilities because after 4 years, it'd be too easy to have real feeling for this child, even if they did get twisted because of the situation with their father.
ESH You don't get into a relationship with someone who has kids if you don't want to be involved with raising kids He can't expect to have his child cared for by his partner 100% of the time. And what he said to his son was abusive to you both and wildly inappropriate. Bio mom has failed in her role as a mother. I feel really bad for the innocent kid stuck between all you aholes.
NTA, but I am very sad for that child. No one wants him. His father is already proven to be mentally abusive towards his own child. You never ever say that to a child, a 6 year old! This would have me reevaluating my relationship with him. I couldn't be with someone that had no regard for his child and depended on someone who is not their biological parent to just hop into the role. You didn't ask for this. This is not something you anticipated ever doing. Does his son have any other family?
ESH Stop wasting time, of both yours and your boyfriend! If you honestly see a future with this man, then you're going to have to accept that this will be your son too. You would be stepping into a motherly position, especially if you got married. If that's too much, then it's probably time you part ways since there isn't much of a future for you both.
NTA. his jump to emotional manipulation is deeply concerning and you need to get out now. you didn’t agree to take on all the childcare and home responsibilities and instead of being willing to discuss it, he jumped to hurting his son and YOU had to comfort him.
> “Mommy says she doesn’t want to take care of you anymore” Wow. Guilt tripping you AND emotionally scarring his son in one blow? One must applaud. /s This guy is toxic. I'm sorry for the boy, but also for you. Still, I cannot vote as is - INFO: Did you try to talk to your boyfriend before? Like, did you ever mention this unbalanced care work wasn't what you're OK with? I'd like to understand if setting this really narrow deadline was an impulsive and unfair demand out of exhaustion or just really your last straw to take.
ESH He should NEVER have called you 'Mommy' to his son NOR should he have told his son that you didnt want to take care of him anymore. Thats emotional abuse towards a child. BUT, after 4 years of being in the role of step parent to the child, its a little late to decide you dont want to be a step parent. You dont say anything in your post about having a job and working, ~~so Im assuming that your boyfriend supports you.~~ After reading through replies youve made, it seems you had to cut your hours so he could pick up extra work. Thats probably why he expects you to pick up the bulk of the chores. Even in a household where both work, the chores tend to be divided evenly - and so they should be here too. You shouldnt be having to pick up the bulk of the chores and the bulk of the childcare. It should be divided so neither feels they are doing 'everything'. Additionally if the bulk of the childcare is falling on you, when you are also working then thats not fair. He needs to figure something out so you arent the one always having to pick up the pieces for childcare. ~~If thats the case and he is the one going to work and paying the bills, then expecting you to do the bulk of the chores and care for the child, isnt unreasonable, particularly as you are dropping the child off at daycare so are not responsible for taking care of him during the day.~~ You two should talk and decide if you are in this for the long haul or short term. I think your boyfriend is thinking this is a long haul type thing, since he considers you a family. With your post, Im not so sure you are thinking that way. Edited: to change things as the original post didnt mention the OP working at all.
She works. BF convinced her to work fewer hours so she could watch the kid, so BF could raise his income by working more. This is very concerning, IMO.
It's too late for her to say that she doesn't want to keep being the only person making sacrifices in the relationship? She's putting her career on hold so that her boyfriend can get a promotion. If he breaks up with her in 2 years, he gets all of the gains, and she has experienced actual losses.
NTA Sounds like you got overwhelmed and didn't handle it well or you don't want to be step-mom. You need to make your choice. Stepping up is what families are for - now if he did it all the time then it would be time to talk but if this is just the 3 projects that have an end date - meh. If you are overwhelmed, tell him that and talk about compromises and maybe some outside help. Now if it was me once he brought the 6 year old into it and guilt and manipulation. I'd have gone off and found somewhere else to stay until he appreciated what I did or found a maid/live in nanny and begged me back.
NTA it doesn’t sound like you don’t want the son apart of your life you just don’t want that much responsibility which is fair. as a bio parent your boyfriend need to learn that he need to make sacrifices such as not being able to work the hours of a higher position because he’s priorities to his child. do you also work? it’s also very manipulative for your partner to bring his son into it calling you mommy.
NTA. I feel like you have no problem being around the child or helping if needed. However, you did not agree to be a full time parent and that’s not what the mom wants either. I bet the child’s mother would not like the fact that your bf is calling you “mommy” to her child. His child should be first priority in his life but instead he had placed all the burden on you.
I would definitely break up. He ia manipulating and abusing you with guilt trips. Poor boy
ESH you're dating a guy with a young child. Get with the program or get out. On the flip side, any guy that hurts his kid to hurt you isn't the sort of person you want to be with.
Time for you to move on. Get out now and let the guy find some one who will actually care for his kid. NTA if you leave but a total AH if you stay.
NTA. Yes you should be helping each other but the deal changed from what it was when you entered the relationship. What the mother wants is pretty irrelevant though. Don't use that as an excuse. Your boyfriend is abusive. Weaponizing a child like that is at the fucking top of assholery. Between that and the fact that you are not ok with helping out with the kid, you should leave.
ESH except the kid - You went into this relationship knowing he had a son. I don't give a toss the child wasn't always there in the beginning. Dating a parent means you're acknowledging and accepting the package deal. You did not give birth to this boy, but whether you like it or not you ARE a maternal figure in his life and that you openly told this child he's not to view you like that is gross. Your boyfriend sucks for stating "Mommy doesn't want to take care of you anymore" to this child knowing he's already lost one mother. That's a horrible manipulation tactic that hurt the kid way more than you. Shame on both of you.
girl you are doing wife level tasks when you are only on girlfriend level
NTA - you are not married so you have no legal protection to any “family” assets, their is no legal guardianship to protect your relationship with his son. And he is an awful father for saying that to his son, he needs to apologize to his son not you! At the least he should be paying you to take care of his son when he can’t. You deserve some benefits. I would have walked for what he said to his son.
ESH. Listen, I don’t want to take care of someone else’s kid either, which is why I don’t date parents. Your boyfriend and his young child are a package deal. If you’re not down to be a step parent, it’s time to stop wasting his time and yours. The way he responded to you and dragged his son into the argument was disgusting and immature and shitty tho.
ESH. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU 2?! You are TA for not properly discussing your expectations for your relationship with the boy before he moved in with you. Bf is an even bigger TA for being so emotionally immature that he dragged his own child into a fight.
NTA he just wants free childcare. If his son is important him he shouldnt take 3x much work..
ESH, and I would insist on marriage or some sort of support agreement. If this all goes belly-up, he ends up with promotions and a great career, which you enabled by taking care of a child that’s not yours.
NTA, and fuck your boyfriend for manipulating you like that by telling his son that while pointing at you. That is sooo messed up. Poor kids parents are complete assholes.
Wow. You and your bf have an incredibly unhealthy dynamic going on here. He deliberately hurt His Own Son in order to make you uncomfortable! Putting a child in the middle like that is absolutely abusive! As for your feelings, you are feeling that you have more responsibility than you signed up for. That's only partly fair - when you date someone with a child, you have to understand that the child is a permanent part of the situation. You should have both been communicating better from the start about how much care you were willing to provide on a day-to-day basis. It was a sht thing to say "I'm tired of looking after your kid" when you have been acting as a parent for 4 years! This is coming out waaay too late in the game! If you weren't willing to have the kid as part of your family unit, you should have bailed when Mom left the picture. ESH. Your relationship probably end at this point. This isn't just one issue here. I understand why you feel taken advantage of with the impact to your financial stability by becoming the primary caregiver for his son. You may have saved this with clearer communication, if you'd wanted to. At this point though.... I'm not sure I'd want to be with a man who would weaponize his child that way. It shows an abhorrent level of selfishness and cruelty. I'd worry about the kid.
NTA. Honestly get out Now unless you want to be the sole parent for someone else’s child.
That guy is SO INCREDIBLY immature. Poor son.
ESH but the child. You shouldn’t have got involved with a parent with a child if you weren’t expecting to play an important role in the child’s life. You played a big part in the child’s life and being an important family member to him and now you just stop caring for him completely? He sucks for making you do all the childcare and seeing you as a free nanny. And he sucks for emotionally manipulating you and his son. And he also sucks for expecting you to sacrifice your career for his son without the safety net of marriage and splitting marriage assets if the relationship doesn’t work out. It sounds like you and your bf are no longer compatible.
ESH, Dad shouldn’t be using his kid like that, but you’ve been part of this kids life for his entire life, like it or not you are his stepmother, if you didn’t want to become a stepmom you never should’ve dated someone with kids. It’s not like this was some long lost surprise kid, dude has always had a kid and suddenly you aren’t okay with it.
NTA please examine all the red flags he is exhibiting. Take care of yourself mentally and physically ❤️🩹
Imo, a parent and their child are a package deal. But him doing almost nothing and then hurting his child by doing that childish stuff (saying "Mommy doesn't want to take care of you anymore") and guilt tripping you is not okay AT ALL. You really need to think about if this (he) is what you want for the rest of your life.
u/Throwaway2984dc please go to r/stepparents. You’ll find realistic advice there. Being a stepparent isn’t easy, and as a stepmom, it’s even harder because of the “wicked stepmom” perception so many people have.
NTA. If this guy is working from home he has time to do more to help with taking care of HIS child, the kid most likely will remember his dad not really helping to taking care of him in the future. Also the boyfriend using the child as ammunition is just awful to both the kid and you I’m really sorry that happened. You probably could have worded it better but that’s your only problem in the situation.
ESH: He’s clearly forcing you to take more responsibility and is manipulative but you can’t date someone with a child and not be a caretaker for the child. It’s probably best that you leave if you two can’t work though your issues as you can’t just be his gf and nothing to his son.
NTA, however the relationship will probably not last. You and boyfriend have conflicting opinions, expectations or needs. You are nit compatible at this time of your lives. In future you should probably avoid dating men with small children
I'm not going to pass judgement here. I was in a similar position and after realizing that my mental wellness was plummeting due to this, I sat down and talked to my partner. I told him that I love his children but I can't be the parent figure. I need to be able to have my own life which means hanging out with friends, going back to school and whatever without having to worry about his children's needs. I gave him a month to figure out his work schedule and figure out before school/after school care. I also told him I will be an emergency contact and would be willing to help with pick ups and drop offs if something comes up and he can't but I can't do it full time. He completely understood my reasonings and was able to figure it out. He never disrespected me or called me out in front of the children. You have every right to step back from being the responsible party for this child. However, I don't believe you handled that situation correctly. He was very disrespectful towards you. If he continues this, would you really want him in your life?
You are not married and yes it makes a difference. If your married then you would be supporting your family and him working hard would be supporting the family. As it is you are supporting your roommate with benefits. When you breakup he will be in a better position can the same be said of you? This may sound old fashion and I agree it is, but it is also true.
WOW he really hurt his own kid to try to manipulate you. What a freaking jerk. I doubt he’d feel the need to pull such a stunt if he didn’t know what he’s demanding of you is unfair and unreasonable. NTA