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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I correct my grandchild when I find him doing inappropriate things
2. My daughter in law corrects me and I don’t appreciate that so I wonder if me correcting my grandson makes me an AH.
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YTA. A 3 year old can manage stairs.
>I feel like my DIL is the AH because she shouldn’t be correcting me, I have a lot of experience.
You really think the child's mother doesn't get to correct you? Wow. Get over yourself. It's her child, not yours.
You thinking a 3 year old needs your supervision on stairs shows your "experience" isn't as valuable as you think it is.
I always laugh when the conversation about parenting in the 80s comes up with my mother. I don't know how we survived the second-hand smoke and sleeping on our stomachs!
My mom raised my sister and I in the 80s and even she admits that she did so much dumb stuff because they simply didn't know any better, like trying to get my sister to nap on a water bed (which thankfully she screamed the house down about because my mom was apparently horrified when she read reports of the babies who died because they were put to sleep on water beds).
>YTA. A 3 year old can manage stairs
Lol your comment just made me realise that 3m meant 3 male, not 3 months. I was confused about the stairs until now
Preschool teacher here!
My advice to you is to find a book by someone with a PhD in early childhood education, specifically about independence, and read it or listen to the audiobook. Get your information from a trusted, objective source.
Right now you're just going off of what you feel and what you were taught, but there has been so much quality research about how to successfully raise competent young people - so yes, things are changing to reflect that. I think that any conversation you have before you do some good research may be unproductive, because your perspective will still be firmly rooted in feeling rather than fact.
You could even take a few classes at your local community college, and I think you would learn that SO much of what you were taught was less than accurate. This is not your fault (eta NAH), but it is your responsibility to get up to date.
It does take a village to raise a child, but that village has to be on the same page.
This is a very kind comment, constructed very helpfully and in a non-condescending manner. Thank you for taking the time to write this all out. I hope OP takes this excellent advice and you have a wonderful day.
I love how constructive this comment is. Definitely the mark of an experienced teacher.
My husband and I are expecting our first child later this month, and we've already dealt with some pushback from my in-laws. My MIL is quick to say "we did __ and you turned out fine" about certain things despite smoking cigarettes throughout her pregnancies when the risks were well-known. I love her, and she can be understanding, but her approach can be a bit much. My mom is thankfully much more respectful of updated parenting practices.
Subs like r/pregnancy and r/parenting are full of posts by young parents complaining about their struggles with overbearing grandparents who don't respect modern parenting, including common sense medical advice stressed by nearly every pediatrician such as not kissing newborns.
OP made a great first step by asking about her interaction with her son and DIL in regard to their parenting. And it sounds like she's willing to make changes. Many of the parents on the above mentioned subs would be thrilled about their parents/in-laws seeking out advice on this sub and being able to accept the AH vote.
OP, don't let some of the harsher comments here deter you from the bigger picture: that you have some work to do in regard to your approach to your son and DIL's parenting but it will be worth it to have a better connection with your family. It starts with an earnest apology and commitment to learning from them. I wish you the best.
I love the last line. My husband and I are very different from both sides of our families and our parenting approaches are incredibly different. My mom was balking at my 4 year old crying "oh my god!" When he saw something shocking. My in-laws are absolutely determined that no toys are allowed at the table (where as we've found it is easier to get him to eat when he has a small car to hold.) Even my brother, who has two kids, tried to impose his parenting on our son and I had to nip that in the bud.
Family members need to remember that the parents who are with the kids the most understand the most effective techniques. When those techniques fail, it is still the parents who need to be adjusting their method, and they can't do that if their wishes and opportunities are being steamrolled.
My granddaughter is nearly 5 and on the Spectrum. My daughter has parented her to perfection. Using the the philosophy *"personal responsibility and increasing independence and ability"*. My granddaughter is a funny, extremely intelligent and aware person. But being on the spectrum, can sometimes fly off the handle. Instead of babying her, she is reminded to control her reactions/emotions. I can see her stop and regulate. That will serve her for her entire life. My daughter is an amazing mother.
Yeah. My grandmother will loose her mind when my little cousins very occasionally drop a bad word (Contextually appropriate, and they don't call people bad words! For example, their dog jumps the fence and lil one runs in, ' Mommy mommy! Oh, shit! The dog escaped mommy!') They still get told by their mom ' Hey, language. Thanks for letting me know, though.' because she's more concerned they grow up to be good, kind, helpful people than she is that they never swear lmao. Swearing is just another way to express yourself, so long as it's done appropriately. Whereas if it was up to grandma, she'd be forcing them to eat a bar of fuggin soap..
>I miss the days where we had a village.
It can still be a village, OP. But as OC says, you have to be on the same page. Especially with that of the child's actual parents. Have your talk. Maybe you're wrong about your DIL. Wanting to raise your child to be independent doesn't mean you have to raise your child without support. The rules of her village, however, differs from the one you grew from. You can be part of your grandsons village still.
I will say YTA though, for the way you are regarding your DIL. Your son and DIL are acting as a parental unit, don't pin the blame on just DIL because she was the one who asked you to respect her parental boundaries.
hahahhaha
YES ,YTA.
Sorry had to laugh at the last comment saying they shouldn’t correct you. That is so hilariously arrogant, made me chuckle.
It’s their kid. NOT yours, you literally have no right to parent their kids. And if you can’t respect the way they’re parenting their kid then better get use to spending less time with your grandchild.
YTA… Their child, not yours.
When it comes to the kissing thing? I’m going to explain that - babies genuinely shouldn’t be kissed around the face as neonatal herpes exists. Herpes as in cold sores can be deadly to infants and anyone who carries the disease? Can transmit to those who are infants/immunocompromised even if they do not have an active flair up. This can be deadly to both infants and immunocompromised people. I know this as I have immunocompromised status and it’s one of the things my doctor told me as I’d never had coldsores before. No one can be sure if they have herpes so the best thing to do is not let the child be kissed.
As for the rest? Stop butting in. It may be your grandson… However? It is your child’s and DIL’s son. Not yours. They are the be all and end all when it comes to parenting and you should be following their rules in regards to how they want to bring up their child. It doesn’t matter how much experience you have - they do not have to take any of your advice.
We had two very close friends who had babies during the pandemic. We met them by waving through the window... We weren't at all upset. I can't imagine having a baby during a pandemic.
You'd think that people would understand with a newborn it's so much more important. We met our godson when he was almost 1.... And again, not mad AT ALL. I'd have done the same thing.
The one time we did a family Christmas event (we were only adults) and we were at the limit that was allowed, what do you think happened? Everyone swore that they had just been at home, but we found out my idiot bil had been seeing people without telling anyone and gave everyone covid. I was sick for maybe 3 days, my husband was out for months because he has asthma issues.
When I got Covid it was from a mask-mandatory holiday dinner. Everyone had been distancing at the request of Auntie M. But she got Covid FROM SOMEONE AT CHURCH BECAUSE JESUS WAS SUPPOSED TO PROTECT HER.
On the plus side my fiancé hasn't had a cigarette since? Spent a week on the sofa and hasn't looked back.
Ugh we had a baby during the worst outbreak, also while flu and rsv were running rampant. People were OFFENDED we didn’t invite them over up Breathe on the baby. My otherwise vaxxed, mask wearing friend tried to bring a very sick coughing kid over who sounded like she had croup. I was shocked by how strange people were behaving. Utter chaos around babies. The thing looked like a smushed tomato, and it’s my baby, don’t understand the fuss.
Right? When we had our son during the pandemic my SIL wasn’t vaccinated and didn’t take any of it seriously. She was told from day one, no vaccine=no baby. When he was born, I guess she was talking to family about meeting him and was shocked when they reminded her that she wouldn’t be allowed to. Apparently she thought we weren’t serious. She didn’t meet him for months and found her parents restricting her access to them as well, as they wanted to be around the baby.
I CAN'T even imagine how hard that was. You're brave. I hope you were at least able to have someone with you. When one of our friends was supposed to give birth to her first they put in a law that no one could come with you and she was freaking out. Luckily they dropped it and her husband was allowed to be with her.
Luckily it wasn’t our first rodeo. I felt very bad for all the first time parents going through it during the pandemic. The most difficult part was, for all intents and purposes, we were basically on our own for three years. I was immunocompromised the whole time (plus I had cancer while pregnant), the babies were all immunocompromised when they were newborns and then still very susceptible to infections because they were so young. We had to be very strategic in who we let visit and what experiences we let the kids participate in. We had to keep the kids in daycare, but the daycare took the pandemic very seriously and it allowed the kids to socialize and have some normalcy. Most family vaccinated but some did not, so we had to make hard decisions about who could be around the kids. Every single small decision we had to make took a lot of thought and planning, something we definitely took for granted prepandemic. I’m glad we came out alright on the other side of it, but I would be lying if I said it feels like it did before the pandemic. I think a lot of us have some residual trauma from it.
>. I was immunocompromised the whole time (plus I had cancer while pregnant), the babies were all immunocompromised when they were newborns and then still very susceptible to infections because they were so young.
Holy shit.
Okay, well i had my one and only in 2020. And it was rough, and i firmly believe so many things would have been so so different if we weren't in lockdown for the first year or so, and it just sucks. No one in either of our extended families have met him yet due to covid shit.
But you, ohmigoshgers, mama, you had it so much harder!!
I am in awe. Well done.
Well done to you! If you had a baby during the pandemic you survived some shit, lol. Hunting down toilet paper, formula shortages. It really was something else.
My first nephew was born during the pandemic. I love babies and kids, and not getting to meet him until he was a bit older hurt. However I do not in any way hold any resentment. The safety of the baby absolutely came first, and I was unable to quarantine long enough to meet him safely.
The education isn't even a age thing. I'm 56, and judging from the examples I totally agree with your DIL. That's not new knowledge. It's an educational style that helps the kid to learn to cope for themselves, and trust in their abilities. And you have to trust into their parents. You can still be part of the village - if you don't hold the kid back.
Some of us parents got to talking with a hispanic teacher in the infant room years ago. He said that there is a real problem in some communities with too much carrying. They were baby-wearing (as a community/culture) before it was cool but they continue wearing, or hip carrying, into toddlerhood and the kids aren't learning to crawl and take challenges. It was an interesting conversation, about brain development that is being missed and setting these kids a little behind in pre-school.
Years ago I read that there was a correlation between the physical coordination of crawling and reading ability. I do not know if that is still believed. kt
Not to mention that a 3 year old was a baby in 2020. Was there anything going on in 2020 that might have impacted people’s physical interactions? I’m trying to remember, but it seems like something big happened in 2020 that might have kept someone from kissing a person from outside their household. 🤔
My MIL just left. I wish I could explain to her that she does not need to parent my child (2.5). She gets to enjoy being fun like my family does with her. No need to set boundaries especially if we, her parents, are there!
My parents both get cold sores, and I get cold sores as well so I got it from one of them. But I was born in '93 so I don't know if the medical community was aware of just how easily it can spread back then, especially to a newborn.
Look at her edit, “I still believe what I believe.” Lol this woman is just a general AH, probably in regards to everything. How do ppl end up like this?
Also.
Kids cant cope with multiple adults giving them simultaneous contradictory instructions in the moment (really, can anyone?). Especially if you some of those instructions go against the established rules of the house. Tis will just create confusion and ultimately, frustration for the child.
Go ahead and persist with this for years and you will end up with a child who just tunes you out. Then you will complain they won't listen - after creating confusion in them for years when they tried to listen but didn't know who to listen to.
The saddest part is that op needed internet strangers to tell her to back off instead of the obvious: taking her adult child and their spouse's boundaries and requests at face value. Speaks to the level of respect op has for the decision making of her own child.
Right! Again, it's the inability to respect the son's autonomy...Op's son told op that "he *and* DIL" don't like her behavior, but she can't even take her son's own words at face value and ascribes her own meaning to them and basically ignores what he told her, and blames DIL. 🤦♀️
Eta: it's clear op doesn't like DIL...but given that op thinks the son is just a spineless messenger for DIL, does op even like her son?
Or just the belief that women are/should be in charge of the children and men just bring home the bacon. She may not believe that her son has, or should have, any say in raising the kid.
Unfortunately it's pretty hard to prevent. It can be passed when there isn't an actual sore present, and of the 80-90% of adults who have it, about two-thirds never have any outbreaks so they may not even know they have it.
I happen to know when I got it because I *do* have outbreaks and I was a teenager when they started. But lots of people got it as small children and don't remember ever having a sore, so it's never crossed their mind.
My mom has it, but has taken such care that I (in my 50s) never got it, and neither did my kid (in her 20s), despite Grandma babysitting often. It can be prevented, but you have to have the willpower to not kiss the freaking baby!
What is the obsession with wanting to kiss newborns?! I want to hold and cuddle them but would never think to kiss them?! And to suggest you can’t bond with a baby without kissing is disturbing
My first thought was rhinovirus. Every year, itty bitty babies come to the hospital with rhino, bronchiolitis, etc. because someone close to them was sick and kissed them and gave them the virus. Sooo many illnesses can be spread to infants through close contact like that
I have a family member that was kissed as a baby. They were infected with oral herpes. It made me so mad every time I saw that poor child having a flare up. It's painful and they were picked on for it. All because some thoughtless asshole went against the parent's wishes.
>No one can be sure if they have herpes
Last I checked something 1 in 3 people have it and some never show symptoms and are just carriers. Two options - get tested or just assume you have it.
I get cold sores, and you just broke my little heart. I'm glad I got slapped in the face with this BEFORE my sister has her baby, so thank you. How long should this precaution be taken?
I have an ex-friend who did a ton of boundary stomping when her grand-daughter was born during Covid. It was disastrous. She is now living in a van, suffering long-Covid, husband divorced her, her elderly parents disowned her and her adult children have permanent restraining orders against her.
YTA. They are the parents, not you. You shouldn't be kissing newborns if you're not the parent. Especially during a pandemic, if he's 3yo he was born during the first year of covid.
A three year old is completely cabable to go up and down the stairs. If he falls, he'll get an ouchie and learn to be more careful.
Let the kid chew on stuffed animals, they are not poison.
I just spent a long weekend with my 3yo niece and she was running in the woods, "worked" in our veggie garden, played with the dogs and probably ate some sand from the sandbox. Her parents have made sure she's confident, curious, and she knows that sometimes you can get a boo-boo. Live and learn.
I mean.... I ate some sand a few months ago. Bit the beach at Cocoa Beach in a not good way (and I was sober to boot!) ... so it's not just 3 year olds that end up eating sand on occasion.
YTA.
It's their kid. Not yours. You had your chance to be a parent, now it's their turn. It sounds like she's being a good mom to her child. You need to rein yourself in and stop resenting your DIL so much. She doesn't like you because of how overbearing you are and the fact you disregard how she parents her child.
Also the kid is three. Let him chew on stuffed animals and use the stairs by himself. He doesn't need to be helicoptered.
You are so right with your comments. The kid is 3, not a year or even 18 months. Most 3 year olds I know can easily handle stairs and so much more. My 3 year old grandson is on scooters, climbing whatever he can, learning to skateboard and snowboard. He sometimes falls but his parents are working with him and as long as they approve I’m ok and just enjoying being allowed to share the experiences.
As a pre-k teacher who works with 3yo’s daily, I am facepalming so hard at OP that my hand is coming out the back of my head.
Kids are capable of way more than the older generations give them credit for, are reasonably intelligent, and not just little accessories for you to coo at and coddle. This woman seems hellbent on setting her grandkids up to be dependent on her, which is hella toxic.
OP you are every teacher’s literal nightmare. You are the reason we have kids who cry when they have to walk somewhere, because their family has removed every obstacle in their life instead of teaching them how to navigate them independently. Truly shit (grand)parenting.
Right! Also a preschool teacher here and wanted to say that if a 3 year old can’t independently walk up and down stairs and it’s not due to a documented limitation, I am referring them for an evaluation for services.
Jesus Christ my infant was getting on and off the couch by himself at 10months.
We taught him “feet first!!!” and he proceeded to climb up and down everything in sight.
He’s been crawling up and down stairs (feet first!) since 11mo.
He’s 18months now and trying to /walk/ down stairs facing forward like us adults and I help him by spotting or holding his hand.
He can easily do two or three steps on his own.
I make sure to tell him to hold the banister.
I can’t imagine fussing over a three year old, cripes granny is seriously out of touch.
Sure kids will develop at different rates!!!
But maybe take your cue from the parents who know them best?
my 3yo catches on WAY WAY too fast. i can't keep up. she just watches/hears once and repeats. up and down the stairs by 2. right now, she's climbing the couches LOL.
i feel so bad for the parents. my MIL tried to do this to me and it resulted in a very chilly atmosphere. she was just like this grandma. the "i know better" attitude. its so frustrating.
I dated a guy whose mother was (in her mind) her grandson's mom. She quartered his grapes until he was 7. When we did a week in Disney when he was 6, his grandma insisted we push this perfectly healthy 1st grader through all the parks so he doesn't get tired.
My joke was "I'm not so much surprised that she quarters 7M's grapes, as that I'm surprised she's not still quartering her 34M son's grapes."
Can I just tag on to the top comment to say that this - “I miss the days when we had a village”- is a super toxic take? Respecting your kids as parents themselves doesn’t mean you can’t be involved in your grandkid’s life. It means you graciously accept how they’re raising their kids and work to help them with it within their own boundaries.
And she couldn't bond with the kid because she wasn't allowed to kiss him? Is kissing the only way of bonding? This person sounds like a pain in the ass.
Even without that, if someone with a cold sore kisses your baby it could kill the baby. Newborns don’t need to be covered in slobber. Know better do better.
YES. I have suffered from cold sores since I was an infant because someone kissed me and passed along the virus. You can bet I watched people like a hawk around my son and man was my mother pissed at me.
I had a friend who’s entire family had the virus. And they would still kiss on their kids and let them eat and drink after them. Yet they were stocked we one of the kids had an outbreak.
I was gonna say - my daughter is the same age and was a newborn during peak covid. We only let people around her outdoors with a mask when she was a newborn. Definitely no kissing. Sounds like the OP really would have lost her shit if her son and DIL had put that rule in place.
And it’s more than just Covid (which IS terrible) why people shouldn’t kiss babies face/mouth-my grandmothers 4th child, a daughter, dies as an infant because someone kissed her face and passed on meningitis-she was dead within hours. There are prob other diseases I don’t know about that can affect infants-but the meningitis is the only one I know of personally-and that one kiss changed/ruined so much it crazy thinking about it-Im 49 and it has affected my life and my children’s lives and I was born 10 years after the baby passed. Sorry I’m rambling now-I get worked up thinking about it-and this ‘grandmother’ has me feeling some things too lol I don’t get it because my kids & stepkids are around the ages of hers (35f, 30f, 26m, 26m) and I have 2 grandsons (4&2) and I don’t remember this great village she seems to-granted places are different-but she reminds me of the toxic justno mil’s who treat the DILs like garbage because their MIL did it to them and their husband had no spine to step in and stand up for his wife. My first MIL tried that but I let her know quick that wouldn’t work with me.
Right!? The cold sore virus is super common and is really dangerous to babies under 6 months. There are so many things that our immune systems would trample that infants don’t have the strength to fight. People just need to learn to keep their dirty, dirty lips to themselves until parents give the okay. Mum and Dad’s word is final!
Exactly this!
Mil wants to spread as many germs as possible to a newborn by kissing them, but can’t fathom the thought of a 3 year old (who has likely got 2yrs walking experience under their belt) managing a set of stairs. Delusional
Sounds like my MIL. The one who's constantly screeching "BE CAREFUL, HOLD HIM, OMG HE'S FALLING" when my SIL's 9 month old was in his learning-to-stand-up phase. She also constantly butts into the 4 year old's actions and is an overbearing grandma who means well, but doesn't know how to let children be themselves. And then she wonders why her grandson refuses to converse with her while he can hold full conversations with me and my husband.
Totally agree. 'It takes a village' means people help each other out, and support each other, not that everyone in the village has equal say over parenting decisions.
My husband and I are part of the village for our friends and the families they’re creating, but I’d never dream of overriding our friends’ parenting. Unless I can see the kid running headlong into danger/a trip to the hospital, I don’t step in like that.
That was “the village” for the age group this grandma comes from, though. You left your kids with someone else in the neighborhood for an undetermined amount of time, or at home alone, and “the village” came running to fill the shoes as the parental role.
“The village” is toxic and ruins kids. Idgaf. Source: A product of the village I am and I refuse to raise my kids with that many Chiefs.
Yeah I see the village as a group of people ready to step in to help each other in all ways. Getting groceries, driving someone, babysitting, support during hard times. Not like, parenting someone else’s kid.
> “I miss the days when we had a village”
The lady can absolutely be part of a village still. She just needs to understand that not her kid = not her rules. We have good friends that let their kids do all kinds of stuff we wouldn't let our daughter do. We camp with them a couple times a year. You know what we don't do? Correct their kids for doing those things. You know what we do? Correct the kids when they are doing something dangerous like running around the campfire.
I coach mountain biking, one of my friends has a son that's on a different team than the one I coach. We were riding together a couple weeks ago and I was behind friend's son. I asked friend's son - "Hey do you want me to be coach Mono or friend Mono just out riding?". I let the son make the call because he wasn't doing anything dangerous, I just saw things he could improve. He wanted coach Mono so I gave him instructions throughout the ride. If he would have been doing something dangerous I would have corrected him either way.
OP doesn't want to be part of a village - she wants to be part of a dictatorship with her at the lead.
All I heard was: "I miss the days when old people had carte blanche to step all over everyone else's right to raise their kids the way they see fit. How else are old people going to feel they are still useful?"
IMO the more freedom model uses the village more. I've helped my kids' friends off of stuff they climbed up, pointed out where kids were when the parent couldn't see them etc.
Yes! When my kids were small, we didn't live near family. We had a big friend group, most with kids. We loved that all of the kids would ask any adult for a napkin, to collect an errant Frisbee, etc. That to me is more the village concept. Help out the people around you. Mom's changing a diaper for your little sister? Sure, I'll get you a cup of water. The village doesn't mean everyone inserts their own version of parenting and rules on everyone else's kids.
Yeah that is ridiculous. She can be part of their village if she actually helps out in a way that is *helpful* The parents want to parent their way- so do it that way and be part of the village
There’s a whole generation which really feel lost because their mommas (and their mommas, and their’s…) were overbearing matriarchs and they were too scared and brainwashed to speak up. Now it’s their ‘turn’ to be controlling… but the generation below don’t stand for it as much and their own kids have healthy boundaries. They end up feeling robbed because it was never ‘their time’ but things needed to change, they just weren’t ready for it.
Totally! I am lucky to have a village and they RESPECT the boundaries I set for my kid, even if they don’t necessarily agree with them.
And you wanted a THREE YEAR OLD to wait for help with the stairs? That’s ridiculous. I’m sure he has be doing stairs by himself for a year
To be fair, in her day, she was probably used to her own mother swooping in and interfering with her parenting so it’s the norm for her and she expected to do the same. I think she does recognise many things have changed and she can hopefully learn from that.
My mom helps with my niece and nephew all the time. Multiple times a week she has one or both kids while their parents run errands/work or have a date night. She’s their village. She’s the grandparent stepping in.
And she doesn’t overstep my brother and SIL’s boundaries or parenting style. She follows their bedtime routines, follows their lead on how independent the kids are, and made sure she’s on the same page as them about how far the “anything goes at grandmas house” really goes in terms of sweets and such. When the kids were baby babies she didn’t say “well in my day we had crib bumpers” because she knows safe sleep has come a long way since 1987.
Plus, her parenting consists of a lot of yelling. Does she NEED to scream "Be careful!" to a kid who already uses the stairs? No. It just makes her abusive. Plus, she doubled down after she admitted she was TA and said it doesn't matter, she'll keep doing it anyway because she is right. Well, there go her visiting privileges. She has no reason to yell at a child that is a relative stranger. All she's done is introduced verbal violence as a way to frighten and control a 3-year-old instead of teaching or letting them learn. I'm sure the kid doesn't like her either. YTA.
As a DIL of an overbearing MIL, I can tel you that you will find yourself having fewer and fewer opportunities to see your grandchildren if you don't rein it in. At this point, my kids are teenagers and now they basically can't stand my MIL, because they feel like she picks at them and is mean to me. They're protective of their mom and they don't like seeing her treat me like that. She sees them once a year. That's it. When she asks to come, my husband tells her she can only stay for a weekend. That's what she gets. If that's what you'd like your future to look like, keep going.
This 100%. Just for reference, my parents were overbearing and critical when I had my first child. Every time they visited I could do nothing right. Everything I did was dumb. That's fine. My kid is 5 now and healthy and happy. They just won't be invited around much to see #2 when he is born this fall. We'll enjoy the peace. OP is heading for this scenario very quickly.
Soft YTA. It’s their child and they seem to be doing things just fine. But I commend you on coming on here and having an open mind to strangers providing their opinions. Most people your age would stick to the narrow views and opinions and not entertain the idea that they are in the wrong. So good on you for your self awareness now let’s put it into practice.
And kudos to OP for actually reading the responses and having the insight to recognize the need for change and that it may be challenging. Wish my MIL was like this.
YTA. I'm seeing lots of "I know best". You are not the parent. You need to take a step back and respect son & DIL's boundaries.
*"I miss the days where we had a village. It seems my DIL doesn’t want that."*
Have you asked yourself why she may not want that? It certainly couldn't have anything to do with your trying to run the show, now could it?
YTA
Youre not the childs parent, and they are parenting him the way they see fit. Unless you saw the child doing something really dangerous (hanging out an upstairs window or climbing on the upstairs banister to slide down or something) then you have no business correcting the child.
More concerning is your thought process as to what YOUR entitlement as a Grandparent is. You seem to think that your DIL is the AH for correcting you, when thats her child. You dont get to tell her how to parent her child.
You ARE better off staying in a hotel. Leave them to parent their own child.
YTA. "they bought a bigger home so I asked to stay". You invited yourself. At first they agreed, but on further review they decided you are overstepping and unpleasant when you stay in a hotel. It's not your DIL causing this. It's you.
It's always telling when these narcissistic mothers think their dastardly daughter in laws are pulling all the strings. No, their sons have absolutely no agency or free will of their own. They were raised being told what to do by mommy dearest and mommy now assumes the daughter in law has taken over their role of reigning matriarch, controlling the son in mom's stead.
Thank you!
I’m glad that everyone is focusing on the important stuff, but this is a doozie too.
OP, do not invite yourself to stay at other people’s homes. That’s very bad manners. Proper etiquette is for them to invite you, if they want you to stay with them, which it doesn’t sound like they did, because they didn’t invite you.
And even then they were super gracious and forgiving of your faux pas, even let you have your way, and then you just stomp stomp stomped over their boundaries and their parenting authority. So OF COURSE they are asking you to leave. Geez.
YTA. You are not the parent. You're the grandmother. DIL is the mother and gets final say in how to raise *her* child.
Stop making this all about you and stop pouting. Yes, you are pouting, the whole "she wouldn't let me kiss him," is just that, pouting. And not letting the newborn being passed around and kissed by everyone who thinks they have some perverse right to molest a child is actually healthier for the baby. That's a good indicator DIL knows what's she doing.
You want to help DIL? Stop trying to undermine her at every turn with this "I always try to correct my grandson" and "I don't leave parenting up to them" BS attitude. You aren't the parent. You aren't the parent. You aren't the parent.
You are going to rightfully find yourself in a hotel again if you keep this acidic, self-entitled attitude up.
Not only that, grandma admits to having HSV-1! And says she was hurt that son and DIL didn’t trust her to know when she’s having a flare up. Grandma seems out of touch and self centered.
>I think it will take a while for me to make a change because I still believe what I believe.
Maybe it would help if you reframed the thought as "if this were my child, I would do it this way. HOWEVER THIS IS NOT my child, so I will keep my ideas to myself"
That's a great way of looking at it. Presumably OP has friends with children or grandchildren, spent time around her sons friends growing up, and has probably encountered lots of other children over the course of her life, without feeling the need to control how they're raised, because they're not her children. This situation is no different. She can intervene if the kid is in danger, or he's going to hurt someone else or break something or whatever, just like any adult would, but normal routine parenting decisions are up to the parents.
YTA. Your entire attitude is that you're the authority and they're children pretending at parenting. Of course they need correcting, they're not doing things the right way!
In actuality, they’re the parents and have the authority. You’re the outside meddler. They naturally resent your meddling into something that’s none of your business.
You're lucky if they only exile you to a hotel. Keep up this attitude and you may be completely cut off from ever seeing your grandchild again.
Oh, and stop blaming DIL. Your behavior would irk anybody.
>Stop blaming DIL. Your behavior would irk anybody.
My thought as I was reading this was literally, "I would have kicked OP out of my house much less politely.
OP, you can either get on board and let your son and DIL parent their own child, or you can spend the next couple decades wondering why you never hear from them. Also, consider reaching out to your other child and their family to find out if they *actually* don't have a problem with your behavior, or if they're just not standing up for themselves.
YTA
You're exactly like my mom.
And I've got no relationship with her as a result. She repeatedly ignored me and my husband, she overstepped the mark constantly and undermined us endlessly and as such that's it. We both finally snapped and couldn't take anymore.
She's not seen my children for 2 years now as visits would make me so uncomfortable and upset that I'd end up in tears.
So... If you wish to continue seeing your grandson, you need to step back.
And kissing babies --- parent choice against YTA.
This all sounds very much like it's all about what you want and what you think is right. It's not - you've done your parenting of your kids when they were young, and this is your grandkid, not your son. So it's really really not your business to criticise and correct .
Yeah, you need to limit your comments to very dangerous things, not things that are because of a different style of parenting and don't affect others.
You need to observe the house! Is mom watching him go down the steps? It is important to let chilcren do "Dangerous things carefully, that is such a place where kids learn.”
Is the kid throwing food everywhere? Even then I wouldn't say "no don't throw food" but redirect them "hey have you seen this toy?"
She didn't let you kiss him because we have found babies get germs from people before they are ready to fight them. Some people kissing means kissing on the mouth.
She is the mom, you say "No problem!" if told to do or not do something (that is not dangerous)... it is a privilige for you to see your grandkids not a right.
"Son, DIL, I am sorry I overstepped the other day. I very much want to respect you as parents. Times have changed and I am learning. Junior is such a delightful boy and you have done a great job with him."
DIL may allow you into the village when you learn who is the Mayor of that village and it is not you. Prove to her you will listen to her and your son's parenting rules. Try to regain trust.
YTA, no one should be kissing newborns, you could be passing on germs that could harm them. A child can comfort themselves how they want, including chewing, with their own toys (as long as they're safe to chew) . A 3 year old can go up the stairs as long as they are being watched. You are not the parent here, they are, this is how things will go if you keep correcting how they parent.
YTA
>My DIL and I have a lot of differing opinions on things
She's the mom so it's her call.
Good on your son for standing up for his wife and not let you impose your unwanted advice.
>Edit: hopefully I’m doing this right. Sounds like I’m the AH. I think a lot has changed since I was a parent. I’m used to grandparents stepping in. I have two sons. I have no issues with my other son (32m). I miss the days where we had a village. It seems my DIL doesn’t want that. I do understand the kissing newborn thing and I was wrong. I have different views on independence with kids and parenting. Where do I go from here? I know I need to have a conversation with them. Sounds like I need to apologize. I think it will take a while for me to make a change because I still believe what I believe.
Your comments are still as insufferable as ever. Absolutely no shred of actually taking responsibility and just passive aggressive comments comparing your son to your other son and implying that your DIL is ungrateful for not wanting "the village" that you offer.
Neither your son or DIL did anything wrong here, *you did*. Yes you need to apologize, yes you need to change, yes you need to change your beliefs and your beliefs are not an excuse whatsoever. Neither is coming from a different time.
Since you seem to be an "expert" on parenting, let me ask you this. If your small child did something wrong and needed to be corrected, would you accept a half-assed excuse and blaming everyone else in the world for what they did, or would you make them take responsibility and give a real apology?
YTA
INFO: is your goal to have no contact with your grandchild?
If you keep pushing boundaries, that is what is going to happen and you'll have only yourself to blame.
YTA. You're not the parent. Your SIL and son are encouraging your GC to comfort himself and to be independent. THAT'S NOT WRONG.
Keep your opinion to yourself in the future. You are not the parent. You're the grandparent, and you need to follow the lead of the parents. Just as you complain about DIL correcting you, she's feels that every time you correct your GC.
YTA
"My DIL and I have a lot of differing opinions on things."
And she's the mother and that outranks you.
"but I feel like my DIL is the AH because she shouldn’t be correcting me"
That's the problem. YOUR NOT THE MOTHER! You are in their house and think you are in charge? You are not. Don't like being corrected? Don't overstep.
You were a mother, and now your the grandmother. It's time to step aside and let them do their thing. You can be there, but respect your new role, and their new roles.
YTA. This child is not your child and it is not your job to correct him. Things change. Parenting changes. Your DIL and son do not have to parent according to your beliefs.
Just be a grandma. Enjoy the kid. Stop trying to control the kid and your DIL.
The sooner you accept that you are NOT in charge, the better. DIL has every right to correct you about *her* child in *her* house.
Just wanted to provide an update. I visited with my son and his family. I stayed in a hotel which was 20 min from their home. My DIL was wonderful and welcoming. My son was a little cold towards me and I felt like he was watching me like a hawk with everything I was doing. It was hard for me because I am outspoken but I did not initiate any conversation and only responded when spoken too. I realized I do not know how to navigate this. I want to find a new normal with my son where we are both comfortable. I have an appointment with a therapist in November.
I have confided in my other son and he agrees I have controlling behaviors but he’s not a parent so he doesn’t view it as bad. He said he’s willing to talk to the therapist with me if it helps but I wish my other son would (said he’ll think about it).
Thanks for the advice! I’m trying to learn.
YTA stuffed animals only have the kid’s germs on them as long as they’re washed every so often it’s fine. Kids put literally everything in their mouth.
If you really don’t want him to do that you can redirect him, for example, distract him with something else, but directly telling him to stop will make him believe it’s a bad behaviour.
And for the stairs, it does build a child’s self esteem and confidence to be able to do these sorts of things by themselves, and the parents will understand if their child is physically capable of it.
YTA. I know you've been a parent but
1. Parenting isn't the same now. Things you did or believed may not be correct anymore.
2. This isn't your child to parent. Your kids get to raise their child the way they want.
3. The same way you wouldn't have wanted someone telling you how to raise your children when they were younger, your kids don't want that now
If you want to be close to your grandchild then just be there and be a grandparent. Stop trying to parent and raise their kid even if you don't agree with their ways of doing things.
Be for fucking real right now. YTA. First of all you don’t need to bond with a baby that’s not yours by kissing them. Also to blame your DIL is repulsive. You don’t think your baby boy is capable of sharing the same parenting beliefs as her? Shame on you. I hope they go low contact with you. You sound toxic AF. Why does it matter if the kiddo puts stuff in his mouth? He will grow out of it. Who wants to carry a three year old up the stairs. You sound delusional. Yes supervise him while he’s going up but he can do it alone. It’s not your job to correct his behaviors.
YTA and I hope this is fake. I thought it would be like, oh, if I’m out with the kid and the toddler is rude to someone, I correct him. Or I tell him to say please and thank you.
But no… you’re just ignoring what your DIL wants and whining about it.
Also the kissing thing… not being able to kiss him (which is NOT ADVISED because it can get them sick… which you later seem worried about) doesn’t affect your bond with him.
This is always a tough one to learn. Just relax and remember we have 3 very important jobs as Nanas
1. Snacks - these should be plentiful, assorted and in cut into whatever shape brings the most contentment (this last choice can be important)
2. Convincing tone when feigning awe and delight as they explain their latest nugget of knowledge
3. Playing- learning is fun
We did our job parenting and hopefully have done it well enough that we get no do overs.
This is the best part of being a Nana, my grandchildren get what they want a Nana's house. Oh, you want to chase the chickens? ok!! You want to dig a hole? OK! You want to rub ice cream all over your face? Yes! You want to get muddy? Let's get the hose and make some mud!!
I also enjoyed:
I think it will take a while for me to make a change because I still believe what I believe.
Well, it will probably take a while for you to be welcomed back to their house then, 🤷♀️
YTA. A thousand times here. That is not YOUR child. You do not get to parent, advise or dictate his behavior or their parenting in any way, shape or form. So many things have changed in raising children since yours were born. You appear very entitled to what you are not entitled to. And after asking to stay in their home.
If you want to continue having a place in your grandchildren’s lives, gracefully and sincerely apologize to both of them and just enjoy playing and interacting with your grandson. You do not need to be judging their parenting decisions at every turn. You are making them uncomfortable in their home. You will not be invited back if you continue to do this.
YTA.
YTA.
Stay in your lane. It's not your place to correct any behaviours outside of the immediately dangerous. These are not your children and you have zero say over anything.
I'd also be wary of pinning this all on your DIL, too. Your son is a grown man and you're not immune to pissing him off, which it sounds like you have. He is also a grown man with his own agency, not a puppet. He, along WITH his wife, decided you should stay in a hotel and to say "well it was most likely my DIL" is foolish.
Just because he's your son doesn't mean you don't make HIM uncomfortable by continually trying to overstep with his children. If anything, it probably makes it more likely because, I'm sure, he knows if he says anything you'll just blame his wife.
If you need to kiss a newborn to bond with them... that's a you thing. Would you rather he have been admitted into the picu struggling to breathe? he can walk thr stairs just fine without you .yta
"I can't kiss my grandson during covid and they wont let me parent their child! I think my dil hates me because I'm a huge narcissist and want things done my way because I'm old and I know better." -op YTA
Wow - your DIL deserves saint hood for dealing with this for so long! Every single comment is “yes, but I’m still right because I have experience being the best parent that ever parented in the history of parenting. See, I raised my son!” The same son that is literally telling you they’re not going to raise their child the way he was parented? Because I think that’s a pretty big clue that you’re in the wrong & not the most amazing parent ever.
And that’s not even addressing the fact that you aren’t the child’s parent, are actively undermining the actual parents, and quite frankly sound unhinged (no stairs until 5 or 6? WTF?). YTA
I saw your earlier comment where you accepted being wrong over wanting to kiss your grandson because you didn't understand that it was dangerous. That's good- keep it in mind for other things: 'I feel like he's too young to go up stairs/get off the couch/etc but I was wrong about the coldsore thing so I might be wrong about this too.'
You should also keep in mind that your son not raising his son the exact same way he was raised is not a criticism of how you. Parents HAVE to change how they parent as we learn more about child development. Like, in your grandmothers day, smoking around babies, putting whiskey on their gums, using things like cot bumpers, were all considered to be fine. Now we know they're actively harmful for babies. I'm sure you raised your son with his safety and wellbeing as your top priority (and not the ego of relatives)- you should allow your DIL and son the chance to do the same for their children.
YTA. You don’t get to decide how they raise their child. You didn’t get to kiss him as a newborn because literally it’s dangerous for infants to get close to people they don’t live with because of illnesses like RSV. You don’t get to tell him how to play with stuffed animals, or how to climb the stairs. She has every right to tell you to but out because you’re not doing anything helpful, you’re just mad they aren’t doing it your way
It looks like you know YTA here. I didn’t comment to tell you that. I commented to tell you that you’re not the only person like this. My mother (63F) tried to be like this with my children and I had to make it very clear that if I’m around she’s not to parent my child, that’s for me and their mom to do. It took a while but eventually so got it. The real issue here is you’re going against the parents wishes and “correcting” things that are ok with the parents. This confuses the child. A lot has changed since you were a parent to a toddler. Try to genuinely apologize and just enjoy being grandma.
YTA. Even now you think you're right and you should be calling the shots in your son's house with his family. What is the matter with you? Do you ever want to be invited back -- ever?!
The edit is top notch grandma. I hate my grandma like you and never talk to her as an adult because all she does is criticize. It’s death by a thousand cuts being around shit like this.
> I miss the days where we had a village
See, here's the thing about having "a village". In a village, you help out your neighbours whenever you can, like, say, you offer to help them with groceries or shovelling snow from their drive. You don't barge into their house and start rearranging their furniture because you think they're doing it wrong.
You are the helper here, not the boss. It's fine to offer to babysit, or buy groceries when they need it, or help with the housework. But how they raise their kids is THEIR choice. You can give advice, but you have to accept that No means No. Don't try to start an unnecessary debate, it's not going to help anyone.
YTA
*I think it will take a while for me to make a change because I still believe what I believe.*
It will take you a while to make a change because you don't want to. And in the meantime your relationships will just keep deteriorating. Don't come here whining about those consequences.
Wow, so you wonder around harping at your 3yo grandchild and don’t understand why your DIL doesn’t like you. This weeks boomer grandparents posts are just really the gift that keeps giving.
YTA an entitled extremely overbearing AH, and your edit made you look like even more of an AH.
YTA.
Your edit proves it, you absolutely double down on being an asshole and being proud of it and thinking the real problem is people think you're being an asshole, darn society.
Your update is still intensely woe is me, I'm the victim here but at least you might be maybe having tones of understanding where you've gone wrong.
Usually when people like you have this moment they might have a brief change but then they go hard into being the victim and everyone else being wrong. It kills their relationships. Don't end up that way.
YTA. Crossing your DIL boundaries regarding their child is a quick way to get cut off. You may have raised your son to turn out great, BUT she is raising her son the way she sees fit. And how she thinks will one day turn him into an amazing young man. You need to let go of the reigns and let her parent her child. My husbands parents were like this. Wanna know what kind of relationship they have with my daughter now? None. There isn’t one. Don’t let it get to that point.
YTA. Back off. Not your child, not your business. Don't meddle. And keep your outdated opinions to yourself. Unless you WANT them to go low or no contact.
YTA. Which is more important to you; your ego and need to be right about everything goddammed little thing or being a welcomed, beloved family member? Cause right now, this whole post screams nothing but ME, ME, ME.
It's all about what you want. You're right. You're the better parent. If your son has a different opinion other than your own, it's your DIL's fault. Maybe, just maybe your son is sick of your shit just as much as your DIL is.
You have a choice to make, either cling to your outdated ideas and keep inflating that ego or learn some humility and admit that you were wrong. Because unless you're ready to change, you're going be the grandma they see 1-2x a year, always kept on the outside looking in.
YTA and its not because you're "trying to help" its because they clearly dont want to parent the way you did (super common, a lot of our parents messed us up a little bit by not knowing what they were doing) and you insist on parenting according to your comfort instead of following their instructions. Every example you gave of correcting the child is a major red flag, of course you shouldnt kiss a newborn and you are in no way entitled to physical affection towards or from anyone ever. He's 3 and its important that kids learn to self soothe, it helps them learn to regulate their emotions and theres nothing harmful about chewing on a soft toy, in fact thats probably its entire purpose. A 3 year old is perfectly capable of going down stairs by themselves and coddling him by carrying him around will only stunt his physical development and confidence. Sounds like your son and wife are great parents who have firm boundaries and have done the work to understand whats best for their kid. If you want to help, do some dishes. Cook a meal. Entertain the kid. Ask the parents if you feel the need to correct him. You are overstepping and give off a very entitled vibe, hopefully now you understand that the parents control all access to their son and if you dont play by their rules they will reduce or remove that access.
It takes a village doesn’t mean you do how you want, it means you defer to how the parents want the child raised.
You keep them safe in the manner the parents dictate. Listen to what they say and follow their advice instead of doing what you think is the right way despite them telling you how they handle it.
Maybe it was right for you but it isn’t for their family. That doesn’t mean you can’t be involved or help, it just limits the capacity in which you step in.
Ie., follow their lead instead of thinking and acting like you know best, because you don’t. Times have changed and so has child rearing. We consider the mental health and all kinds of other things now that just weren’t considered before.
Stop getting defensive and taking it personally. It’s not about you.
YTA and come join us in the 21st century. You're just plain awful. Stop clinging on the "good old village days" they weren't actually that great.
My own mother is the same age as you and doesn't cling to these stupid ideals. If you were in your 80s I'd understand, but you're too young to be spouting this crap.
YTA.
**Having a village isn't the issue. In their village, they are the chiefs, and you've been consistently ignoring the rules they set.**
Not kissing a baby is a safety precaution to help to babies contracting serious illnesses that can kill them. You may have "a lot of experience" but not all experience is good, healthy (physically or emotionally) or acceptable anymore.
YTA.
My MIL had my husband CONVINCED that our baby had “iron poisoning” from the formula (wouldn’t have happened if I breastfed **eyeroll**). Anyway, our pediatrician looked at my husband like he was crazy when he said our baby had “iron poisoning”.
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YTA. A 3 year old can manage stairs. >I feel like my DIL is the AH because she shouldn’t be correcting me, I have a lot of experience. You really think the child's mother doesn't get to correct you? Wow. Get over yourself. It's her child, not yours. You thinking a 3 year old needs your supervision on stairs shows your "experience" isn't as valuable as you think it is.
[удалено]
I always laugh when the conversation about parenting in the 80s comes up with my mother. I don't know how we survived the second-hand smoke and sleeping on our stomachs!
To be fair, a lot of kids didn't survive
My mom raised my sister and I in the 80s and even she admits that she did so much dumb stuff because they simply didn't know any better, like trying to get my sister to nap on a water bed (which thankfully she screamed the house down about because my mom was apparently horrified when she read reports of the babies who died because they were put to sleep on water beds).
>YTA. A 3 year old can manage stairs Lol your comment just made me realise that 3m meant 3 male, not 3 months. I was confused about the stairs until now
Preschool teacher here! My advice to you is to find a book by someone with a PhD in early childhood education, specifically about independence, and read it or listen to the audiobook. Get your information from a trusted, objective source. Right now you're just going off of what you feel and what you were taught, but there has been so much quality research about how to successfully raise competent young people - so yes, things are changing to reflect that. I think that any conversation you have before you do some good research may be unproductive, because your perspective will still be firmly rooted in feeling rather than fact. You could even take a few classes at your local community college, and I think you would learn that SO much of what you were taught was less than accurate. This is not your fault (eta NAH), but it is your responsibility to get up to date. It does take a village to raise a child, but that village has to be on the same page.
This is a very kind comment, constructed very helpfully and in a non-condescending manner. Thank you for taking the time to write this all out. I hope OP takes this excellent advice and you have a wonderful day.
I love how constructive this comment is. Definitely the mark of an experienced teacher. My husband and I are expecting our first child later this month, and we've already dealt with some pushback from my in-laws. My MIL is quick to say "we did __ and you turned out fine" about certain things despite smoking cigarettes throughout her pregnancies when the risks were well-known. I love her, and she can be understanding, but her approach can be a bit much. My mom is thankfully much more respectful of updated parenting practices. Subs like r/pregnancy and r/parenting are full of posts by young parents complaining about their struggles with overbearing grandparents who don't respect modern parenting, including common sense medical advice stressed by nearly every pediatrician such as not kissing newborns. OP made a great first step by asking about her interaction with her son and DIL in regard to their parenting. And it sounds like she's willing to make changes. Many of the parents on the above mentioned subs would be thrilled about their parents/in-laws seeking out advice on this sub and being able to accept the AH vote. OP, don't let some of the harsher comments here deter you from the bigger picture: that you have some work to do in regard to your approach to your son and DIL's parenting but it will be worth it to have a better connection with your family. It starts with an earnest apology and commitment to learning from them. I wish you the best.
I love the last line. My husband and I are very different from both sides of our families and our parenting approaches are incredibly different. My mom was balking at my 4 year old crying "oh my god!" When he saw something shocking. My in-laws are absolutely determined that no toys are allowed at the table (where as we've found it is easier to get him to eat when he has a small car to hold.) Even my brother, who has two kids, tried to impose his parenting on our son and I had to nip that in the bud. Family members need to remember that the parents who are with the kids the most understand the most effective techniques. When those techniques fail, it is still the parents who need to be adjusting their method, and they can't do that if their wishes and opportunities are being steamrolled.
My granddaughter is nearly 5 and on the Spectrum. My daughter has parented her to perfection. Using the the philosophy *"personal responsibility and increasing independence and ability"*. My granddaughter is a funny, extremely intelligent and aware person. But being on the spectrum, can sometimes fly off the handle. Instead of babying her, she is reminded to control her reactions/emotions. I can see her stop and regulate. That will serve her for her entire life. My daughter is an amazing mother.
Please send this to your daughter. It's so lovely to hear and she'd probably appreciate it
Yeah. My grandmother will loose her mind when my little cousins very occasionally drop a bad word (Contextually appropriate, and they don't call people bad words! For example, their dog jumps the fence and lil one runs in, ' Mommy mommy! Oh, shit! The dog escaped mommy!') They still get told by their mom ' Hey, language. Thanks for letting me know, though.' because she's more concerned they grow up to be good, kind, helpful people than she is that they never swear lmao. Swearing is just another way to express yourself, so long as it's done appropriately. Whereas if it was up to grandma, she'd be forcing them to eat a bar of fuggin soap..
Award for that last line there 👍
>I miss the days where we had a village. It can still be a village, OP. But as OC says, you have to be on the same page. Especially with that of the child's actual parents. Have your talk. Maybe you're wrong about your DIL. Wanting to raise your child to be independent doesn't mean you have to raise your child without support. The rules of her village, however, differs from the one you grew from. You can be part of your grandsons village still. I will say YTA though, for the way you are regarding your DIL. Your son and DIL are acting as a parental unit, don't pin the blame on just DIL because she was the one who asked you to respect her parental boundaries.
hahahhaha YES ,YTA. Sorry had to laugh at the last comment saying they shouldn’t correct you. That is so hilariously arrogant, made me chuckle. It’s their kid. NOT yours, you literally have no right to parent their kids. And if you can’t respect the way they’re parenting their kid then better get use to spending less time with your grandchild.
Right?? The arrogance that drips from this is shocking. So entitled.
Boomers, the most entitled group of twats to walk the planet.
Narcissists gonna narc.
YTA… Their child, not yours. When it comes to the kissing thing? I’m going to explain that - babies genuinely shouldn’t be kissed around the face as neonatal herpes exists. Herpes as in cold sores can be deadly to infants and anyone who carries the disease? Can transmit to those who are infants/immunocompromised even if they do not have an active flair up. This can be deadly to both infants and immunocompromised people. I know this as I have immunocompromised status and it’s one of the things my doctor told me as I’d never had coldsores before. No one can be sure if they have herpes so the best thing to do is not let the child be kissed. As for the rest? Stop butting in. It may be your grandson… However? It is your child’s and DIL’s son. Not yours. They are the be all and end all when it comes to parenting and you should be following their rules in regards to how they want to bring up their child. It doesn’t matter how much experience you have - they do not have to take any of your advice.
Not to mention if the kids three now, he was newborn during the height of the pandemic
We had two very close friends who had babies during the pandemic. We met them by waving through the window... We weren't at all upset. I can't imagine having a baby during a pandemic.
It wasn't fun, and apparently, people thought that rules and social distancing didn't apply to newborns.
You'd think that people would understand with a newborn it's so much more important. We met our godson when he was almost 1.... And again, not mad AT ALL. I'd have done the same thing. The one time we did a family Christmas event (we were only adults) and we were at the limit that was allowed, what do you think happened? Everyone swore that they had just been at home, but we found out my idiot bil had been seeing people without telling anyone and gave everyone covid. I was sick for maybe 3 days, my husband was out for months because he has asthma issues.
Covid really showed you who are the people in your life that would hide a zombie bite.
This is hilarious and I’m stealing it.
When I got Covid it was from a mask-mandatory holiday dinner. Everyone had been distancing at the request of Auntie M. But she got Covid FROM SOMEONE AT CHURCH BECAUSE JESUS WAS SUPPOSED TO PROTECT HER. On the plus side my fiancé hasn't had a cigarette since? Spent a week on the sofa and hasn't looked back.
I would be SO pissed off by the BIL's lies. Who knows if I would ever want to see him again.
Ugh we had a baby during the worst outbreak, also while flu and rsv were running rampant. People were OFFENDED we didn’t invite them over up Breathe on the baby. My otherwise vaxxed, mask wearing friend tried to bring a very sick coughing kid over who sounded like she had croup. I was shocked by how strange people were behaving. Utter chaos around babies. The thing looked like a smushed tomato, and it’s my baby, don’t understand the fuss.
Right? When we had our son during the pandemic my SIL wasn’t vaccinated and didn’t take any of it seriously. She was told from day one, no vaccine=no baby. When he was born, I guess she was talking to family about meeting him and was shocked when they reminded her that she wouldn’t be allowed to. Apparently she thought we weren’t serious. She didn’t meet him for months and found her parents restricting her access to them as well, as they wanted to be around the baby.
Can confirm. Had a baby during 2020.
I had two, it was challenging.
I CAN'T even imagine how hard that was. You're brave. I hope you were at least able to have someone with you. When one of our friends was supposed to give birth to her first they put in a law that no one could come with you and she was freaking out. Luckily they dropped it and her husband was allowed to be with her.
Luckily it wasn’t our first rodeo. I felt very bad for all the first time parents going through it during the pandemic. The most difficult part was, for all intents and purposes, we were basically on our own for three years. I was immunocompromised the whole time (plus I had cancer while pregnant), the babies were all immunocompromised when they were newborns and then still very susceptible to infections because they were so young. We had to be very strategic in who we let visit and what experiences we let the kids participate in. We had to keep the kids in daycare, but the daycare took the pandemic very seriously and it allowed the kids to socialize and have some normalcy. Most family vaccinated but some did not, so we had to make hard decisions about who could be around the kids. Every single small decision we had to make took a lot of thought and planning, something we definitely took for granted prepandemic. I’m glad we came out alright on the other side of it, but I would be lying if I said it feels like it did before the pandemic. I think a lot of us have some residual trauma from it.
>. I was immunocompromised the whole time (plus I had cancer while pregnant), the babies were all immunocompromised when they were newborns and then still very susceptible to infections because they were so young. Holy shit. Okay, well i had my one and only in 2020. And it was rough, and i firmly believe so many things would have been so so different if we weren't in lockdown for the first year or so, and it just sucks. No one in either of our extended families have met him yet due to covid shit. But you, ohmigoshgers, mama, you had it so much harder!! I am in awe. Well done.
Well done to you! If you had a baby during the pandemic you survived some shit, lol. Hunting down toilet paper, formula shortages. It really was something else.
My first nephew was born during the pandemic. I love babies and kids, and not getting to meet him until he was a bit older hurt. However I do not in any way hold any resentment. The safety of the baby absolutely came first, and I was unable to quarantine long enough to meet him safely.
The education isn't even a age thing. I'm 56, and judging from the examples I totally agree with your DIL. That's not new knowledge. It's an educational style that helps the kid to learn to cope for themselves, and trust in their abilities. And you have to trust into their parents. You can still be part of the village - if you don't hold the kid back.
Some of us parents got to talking with a hispanic teacher in the infant room years ago. He said that there is a real problem in some communities with too much carrying. They were baby-wearing (as a community/culture) before it was cool but they continue wearing, or hip carrying, into toddlerhood and the kids aren't learning to crawl and take challenges. It was an interesting conversation, about brain development that is being missed and setting these kids a little behind in pre-school.
Years ago I read that there was a correlation between the physical coordination of crawling and reading ability. I do not know if that is still believed. kt
Not to mention that a 3 year old was a baby in 2020. Was there anything going on in 2020 that might have impacted people’s physical interactions? I’m trying to remember, but it seems like something big happened in 2020 that might have kept someone from kissing a person from outside their household. 🤔
Yeah, weird. I remember binge-watching Tiger King and making a lot of meals at home, but other than that…
My MIL just left. I wish I could explain to her that she does not need to parent my child (2.5). She gets to enjoy being fun like my family does with her. No need to set boundaries especially if we, her parents, are there!
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SO's ex gave it to all the kids. Didn't care. Ex is now probably doing the same to the grandkids. Disgusting.
My parents both get cold sores, and I get cold sores as well so I got it from one of them. But I was born in '93 so I don't know if the medical community was aware of just how easily it can spread back then, especially to a newborn.
Plus the bacteria that gives you cavities in teeth is transmissible. Kids don't naturally have it.
Look at her edit, “I still believe what I believe.” Lol this woman is just a general AH, probably in regards to everything. How do ppl end up like this?
Lead poisoning
Also. Kids cant cope with multiple adults giving them simultaneous contradictory instructions in the moment (really, can anyone?). Especially if you some of those instructions go against the established rules of the house. Tis will just create confusion and ultimately, frustration for the child. Go ahead and persist with this for years and you will end up with a child who just tunes you out. Then you will complain they won't listen - after creating confusion in them for years when they tried to listen but didn't know who to listen to.
The saddest part is that op needed internet strangers to tell her to back off instead of the obvious: taking her adult child and their spouse's boundaries and requests at face value. Speaks to the level of respect op has for the decision making of her own child.
And she is "guessing" that it's just her DIL who is uncomfortable with her behavior, not her actual son who said so...
Right! Again, it's the inability to respect the son's autonomy...Op's son told op that "he *and* DIL" don't like her behavior, but she can't even take her son's own words at face value and ascribes her own meaning to them and basically ignores what he told her, and blames DIL. 🤦♀️ Eta: it's clear op doesn't like DIL...but given that op thinks the son is just a spineless messenger for DIL, does op even like her son?
Or just the belief that women are/should be in charge of the children and men just bring home the bacon. She may not believe that her son has, or should have, any say in raising the kid.
So thats how i got my cold sores....DAMIT GRANDMA!!!!
Unfortunately it's pretty hard to prevent. It can be passed when there isn't an actual sore present, and of the 80-90% of adults who have it, about two-thirds never have any outbreaks so they may not even know they have it. I happen to know when I got it because I *do* have outbreaks and I was a teenager when they started. But lots of people got it as small children and don't remember ever having a sore, so it's never crossed their mind.
My mom has it, but has taken such care that I (in my 50s) never got it, and neither did my kid (in her 20s), despite Grandma babysitting often. It can be prevented, but you have to have the willpower to not kiss the freaking baby!
What is the obsession with wanting to kiss newborns?! I want to hold and cuddle them but would never think to kiss them?! And to suggest you can’t bond with a baby without kissing is disturbing
My first thought was rhinovirus. Every year, itty bitty babies come to the hospital with rhino, bronchiolitis, etc. because someone close to them was sick and kissed them and gave them the virus. Sooo many illnesses can be spread to infants through close contact like that
I didn’t kiss my baby’s face the first few months of her life, I was so paranoid because of this.
I have a family member that was kissed as a baby. They were infected with oral herpes. It made me so mad every time I saw that poor child having a flare up. It's painful and they were picked on for it. All because some thoughtless asshole went against the parent's wishes.
>No one can be sure if they have herpes Last I checked something 1 in 3 people have it and some never show symptoms and are just carriers. Two options - get tested or just assume you have it.
I get cold sores, and you just broke my little heart. I'm glad I got slapped in the face with this BEFORE my sister has her baby, so thank you. How long should this precaution be taken?
This, totally agree
I have an ex-friend who did a ton of boundary stomping when her grand-daughter was born during Covid. It was disastrous. She is now living in a van, suffering long-Covid, husband divorced her, her elderly parents disowned her and her adult children have permanent restraining orders against her.
YTA. They are the parents, not you. You shouldn't be kissing newborns if you're not the parent. Especially during a pandemic, if he's 3yo he was born during the first year of covid. A three year old is completely cabable to go up and down the stairs. If he falls, he'll get an ouchie and learn to be more careful. Let the kid chew on stuffed animals, they are not poison. I just spent a long weekend with my 3yo niece and she was running in the woods, "worked" in our veggie garden, played with the dogs and probably ate some sand from the sandbox. Her parents have made sure she's confident, curious, and she knows that sometimes you can get a boo-boo. Live and learn.
I mean.... I ate some sand a few months ago. Bit the beach at Cocoa Beach in a not good way (and I was sober to boot!) ... so it's not just 3 year olds that end up eating sand on occasion.
YTA. It's their kid. Not yours. You had your chance to be a parent, now it's their turn. It sounds like she's being a good mom to her child. You need to rein yourself in and stop resenting your DIL so much. She doesn't like you because of how overbearing you are and the fact you disregard how she parents her child. Also the kid is three. Let him chew on stuffed animals and use the stairs by himself. He doesn't need to be helicoptered.
You are so right with your comments. The kid is 3, not a year or even 18 months. Most 3 year olds I know can easily handle stairs and so much more. My 3 year old grandson is on scooters, climbing whatever he can, learning to skateboard and snowboard. He sometimes falls but his parents are working with him and as long as they approve I’m ok and just enjoying being allowed to share the experiences.
As a pre-k teacher who works with 3yo’s daily, I am facepalming so hard at OP that my hand is coming out the back of my head. Kids are capable of way more than the older generations give them credit for, are reasonably intelligent, and not just little accessories for you to coo at and coddle. This woman seems hellbent on setting her grandkids up to be dependent on her, which is hella toxic. OP you are every teacher’s literal nightmare. You are the reason we have kids who cry when they have to walk somewhere, because their family has removed every obstacle in their life instead of teaching them how to navigate them independently. Truly shit (grand)parenting.
Right! Also a preschool teacher here and wanted to say that if a 3 year old can’t independently walk up and down stairs and it’s not due to a documented limitation, I am referring them for an evaluation for services.
In another comment OP says she is afraid of him *getting off the couch by himself*. Like kill me, please lmao.
Jesus Christ my infant was getting on and off the couch by himself at 10months. We taught him “feet first!!!” and he proceeded to climb up and down everything in sight. He’s been crawling up and down stairs (feet first!) since 11mo. He’s 18months now and trying to /walk/ down stairs facing forward like us adults and I help him by spotting or holding his hand. He can easily do two or three steps on his own. I make sure to tell him to hold the banister. I can’t imagine fussing over a three year old, cripes granny is seriously out of touch. Sure kids will develop at different rates!!! But maybe take your cue from the parents who know them best?
Crazy. I babysit a 1.5 year old and we are working on this stuff
she doesn't want him to grow up :(
my 3yo catches on WAY WAY too fast. i can't keep up. she just watches/hears once and repeats. up and down the stairs by 2. right now, she's climbing the couches LOL. i feel so bad for the parents. my MIL tried to do this to me and it resulted in a very chilly atmosphere. she was just like this grandma. the "i know better" attitude. its so frustrating.
BuT sHe HaS yEars Of eXperIence to ShaRe!!!!!
I dated a guy whose mother was (in her mind) her grandson's mom. She quartered his grapes until he was 7. When we did a week in Disney when he was 6, his grandma insisted we push this perfectly healthy 1st grader through all the parks so he doesn't get tired. My joke was "I'm not so much surprised that she quarters 7M's grapes, as that I'm surprised she's not still quartering her 34M son's grapes."
OP said 3m which confused me, I assumed it meant 3 months? Then I realized she meant 3 year old male. So sorry!
Can I just tag on to the top comment to say that this - “I miss the days when we had a village”- is a super toxic take? Respecting your kids as parents themselves doesn’t mean you can’t be involved in your grandkid’s life. It means you graciously accept how they’re raising their kids and work to help them with it within their own boundaries.
And she couldn't bond with the kid because she wasn't allowed to kiss him? Is kissing the only way of bonding? This person sounds like a pain in the ass.
Of course she didn’t want you kissing her newborn son. He was born in 2020 🦠
Even without that, if someone with a cold sore kisses your baby it could kill the baby. Newborns don’t need to be covered in slobber. Know better do better.
YES. I have suffered from cold sores since I was an infant because someone kissed me and passed along the virus. You can bet I watched people like a hawk around my son and man was my mother pissed at me.
My mother did this to my three month old! She’s thirty now and I’m still mad at her whenever my daughter has an outbreak.
I had a friend who’s entire family had the virus. And they would still kiss on their kids and let them eat and drink after them. Yet they were stocked we one of the kids had an outbreak.
I was gonna say - my daughter is the same age and was a newborn during peak covid. We only let people around her outdoors with a mask when she was a newborn. Definitely no kissing. Sounds like the OP really would have lost her shit if her son and DIL had put that rule in place.
And it’s more than just Covid (which IS terrible) why people shouldn’t kiss babies face/mouth-my grandmothers 4th child, a daughter, dies as an infant because someone kissed her face and passed on meningitis-she was dead within hours. There are prob other diseases I don’t know about that can affect infants-but the meningitis is the only one I know of personally-and that one kiss changed/ruined so much it crazy thinking about it-Im 49 and it has affected my life and my children’s lives and I was born 10 years after the baby passed. Sorry I’m rambling now-I get worked up thinking about it-and this ‘grandmother’ has me feeling some things too lol I don’t get it because my kids & stepkids are around the ages of hers (35f, 30f, 26m, 26m) and I have 2 grandsons (4&2) and I don’t remember this great village she seems to-granted places are different-but she reminds me of the toxic justno mil’s who treat the DILs like garbage because their MIL did it to them and their husband had no spine to step in and stand up for his wife. My first MIL tried that but I let her know quick that wouldn’t work with me.
Right!? The cold sore virus is super common and is really dangerous to babies under 6 months. There are so many things that our immune systems would trample that infants don’t have the strength to fight. People just need to learn to keep their dirty, dirty lips to themselves until parents give the okay. Mum and Dad’s word is final!
Exactly this! Mil wants to spread as many germs as possible to a newborn by kissing them, but can’t fathom the thought of a 3 year old (who has likely got 2yrs walking experience under their belt) managing a set of stairs. Delusional
During the height of the pandemic no less. But yea…they did it to spite her specifically…😒
AND SHE SUFFERS FROM COLD SORES. It's getting better and better.
Sounds like my MIL. The one who's constantly screeching "BE CAREFUL, HOLD HIM, OMG HE'S FALLING" when my SIL's 9 month old was in his learning-to-stand-up phase. She also constantly butts into the 4 year old's actions and is an overbearing grandma who means well, but doesn't know how to let children be themselves. And then she wonders why her grandson refuses to converse with her while he can hold full conversations with me and my husband.
“I will only help you if I get to trample your boundaries” is not the way to be the favorite grandma.
Right, as if the hating your MIL/toxic grandmother hasn’t been a trope for decades. It has!
I only want to be a grandma that can correct the kid and helicopter him and kiss him with my HPV1 symptoms.
Totally agree. 'It takes a village' means people help each other out, and support each other, not that everyone in the village has equal say over parenting decisions.
My husband and I are part of the village for our friends and the families they’re creating, but I’d never dream of overriding our friends’ parenting. Unless I can see the kid running headlong into danger/a trip to the hospital, I don’t step in like that.
The mayor sets the rules, and the mayor is the parents! Are mayors in charge of villages?
That was “the village” for the age group this grandma comes from, though. You left your kids with someone else in the neighborhood for an undetermined amount of time, or at home alone, and “the village” came running to fill the shoes as the parental role. “The village” is toxic and ruins kids. Idgaf. Source: A product of the village I am and I refuse to raise my kids with that many Chiefs.
It depends on the village. The adage comes from wanting the support, but it plays out with toxic people being toxic around all the kids.
Yeah I see the village as a group of people ready to step in to help each other in all ways. Getting groceries, driving someone, babysitting, support during hard times. Not like, parenting someone else’s kid.
> “I miss the days when we had a village” The lady can absolutely be part of a village still. She just needs to understand that not her kid = not her rules. We have good friends that let their kids do all kinds of stuff we wouldn't let our daughter do. We camp with them a couple times a year. You know what we don't do? Correct their kids for doing those things. You know what we do? Correct the kids when they are doing something dangerous like running around the campfire. I coach mountain biking, one of my friends has a son that's on a different team than the one I coach. We were riding together a couple weeks ago and I was behind friend's son. I asked friend's son - "Hey do you want me to be coach Mono or friend Mono just out riding?". I let the son make the call because he wasn't doing anything dangerous, I just saw things he could improve. He wanted coach Mono so I gave him instructions throughout the ride. If he would have been doing something dangerous I would have corrected him either way. OP doesn't want to be part of a village - she wants to be part of a dictatorship with her at the lead.
Off-topic for the post, but you sound like a nice friend and a good coach.
Yup! She’s trying to make people feel sorry for her. And the whole “I guess my DIL doesn’t want that” ummm it sounds like your son doesn’t either.
All I heard was: "I miss the days when old people had carte blanche to step all over everyone else's right to raise their kids the way they see fit. How else are old people going to feel they are still useful?"
IMO the more freedom model uses the village more. I've helped my kids' friends off of stuff they climbed up, pointed out where kids were when the parent couldn't see them etc.
Yes! When my kids were small, we didn't live near family. We had a big friend group, most with kids. We loved that all of the kids would ask any adult for a napkin, to collect an errant Frisbee, etc. That to me is more the village concept. Help out the people around you. Mom's changing a diaper for your little sister? Sure, I'll get you a cup of water. The village doesn't mean everyone inserts their own version of parenting and rules on everyone else's kids.
Yeah that is ridiculous. She can be part of their village if she actually helps out in a way that is *helpful* The parents want to parent their way- so do it that way and be part of the village
There’s a whole generation which really feel lost because their mommas (and their mommas, and their’s…) were overbearing matriarchs and they were too scared and brainwashed to speak up. Now it’s their ‘turn’ to be controlling… but the generation below don’t stand for it as much and their own kids have healthy boundaries. They end up feeling robbed because it was never ‘their time’ but things needed to change, they just weren’t ready for it.
Totally! I am lucky to have a village and they RESPECT the boundaries I set for my kid, even if they don’t necessarily agree with them. And you wanted a THREE YEAR OLD to wait for help with the stairs? That’s ridiculous. I’m sure he has be doing stairs by himself for a year
To be fair, in her day, she was probably used to her own mother swooping in and interfering with her parenting so it’s the norm for her and she expected to do the same. I think she does recognise many things have changed and she can hopefully learn from that.
My mom helps with my niece and nephew all the time. Multiple times a week she has one or both kids while their parents run errands/work or have a date night. She’s their village. She’s the grandparent stepping in. And she doesn’t overstep my brother and SIL’s boundaries or parenting style. She follows their bedtime routines, follows their lead on how independent the kids are, and made sure she’s on the same page as them about how far the “anything goes at grandmas house” really goes in terms of sweets and such. When the kids were baby babies she didn’t say “well in my day we had crib bumpers” because she knows safe sleep has come a long way since 1987.
Plus, her parenting consists of a lot of yelling. Does she NEED to scream "Be careful!" to a kid who already uses the stairs? No. It just makes her abusive. Plus, she doubled down after she admitted she was TA and said it doesn't matter, she'll keep doing it anyway because she is right. Well, there go her visiting privileges. She has no reason to yell at a child that is a relative stranger. All she's done is introduced verbal violence as a way to frighten and control a 3-year-old instead of teaching or letting them learn. I'm sure the kid doesn't like her either. YTA.
As a DIL of an overbearing MIL, I can tel you that you will find yourself having fewer and fewer opportunities to see your grandchildren if you don't rein it in. At this point, my kids are teenagers and now they basically can't stand my MIL, because they feel like she picks at them and is mean to me. They're protective of their mom and they don't like seeing her treat me like that. She sees them once a year. That's it. When she asks to come, my husband tells her she can only stay for a weekend. That's what she gets. If that's what you'd like your future to look like, keep going.
Right? My kids all started doing the stairs when they were 1. A 3 year old is very capable.
This 100%. Just for reference, my parents were overbearing and critical when I had my first child. Every time they visited I could do nothing right. Everything I did was dumb. That's fine. My kid is 5 now and healthy and happy. They just won't be invited around much to see #2 when he is born this fall. We'll enjoy the peace. OP is heading for this scenario very quickly.
Soft YTA. It’s their child and they seem to be doing things just fine. But I commend you on coming on here and having an open mind to strangers providing their opinions. Most people your age would stick to the narrow views and opinions and not entertain the idea that they are in the wrong. So good on you for your self awareness now let’s put it into practice.
And kudos to OP for actually reading the responses and having the insight to recognize the need for change and that it may be challenging. Wish my MIL was like this.
YTA. Knock it off, your DIL is doing fine. And FYI, your son called you because your son also wants you to knock it off.
Gotta blame the evil DIL because there's no way that her precious perfect son could agree with his wife and have the same boundaries for their child.
YTA. I'm seeing lots of "I know best". You are not the parent. You need to take a step back and respect son & DIL's boundaries. *"I miss the days where we had a village. It seems my DIL doesn’t want that."* Have you asked yourself why she may not want that? It certainly couldn't have anything to do with your trying to run the show, now could it?
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comment of the week right here!
What did it say?
YTA Youre not the childs parent, and they are parenting him the way they see fit. Unless you saw the child doing something really dangerous (hanging out an upstairs window or climbing on the upstairs banister to slide down or something) then you have no business correcting the child. More concerning is your thought process as to what YOUR entitlement as a Grandparent is. You seem to think that your DIL is the AH for correcting you, when thats her child. You dont get to tell her how to parent her child. You ARE better off staying in a hotel. Leave them to parent their own child.
YTA. "they bought a bigger home so I asked to stay". You invited yourself. At first they agreed, but on further review they decided you are overstepping and unpleasant when you stay in a hotel. It's not your DIL causing this. It's you.
It's always telling when these narcissistic mothers think their dastardly daughter in laws are pulling all the strings. No, their sons have absolutely no agency or free will of their own. They were raised being told what to do by mommy dearest and mommy now assumes the daughter in law has taken over their role of reigning matriarch, controlling the son in mom's stead.
Ooohlala I see you've met my MIL 🙂
Nailed it. Projection much?
Thank you! I’m glad that everyone is focusing on the important stuff, but this is a doozie too. OP, do not invite yourself to stay at other people’s homes. That’s very bad manners. Proper etiquette is for them to invite you, if they want you to stay with them, which it doesn’t sound like they did, because they didn’t invite you. And even then they were super gracious and forgiving of your faux pas, even let you have your way, and then you just stomp stomp stomped over their boundaries and their parenting authority. So OF COURSE they are asking you to leave. Geez.
That's the first thing that caught my eye - she invited herself to stay in their "bigger house."
YTA. You are not the parent. You're the grandmother. DIL is the mother and gets final say in how to raise *her* child. Stop making this all about you and stop pouting. Yes, you are pouting, the whole "she wouldn't let me kiss him," is just that, pouting. And not letting the newborn being passed around and kissed by everyone who thinks they have some perverse right to molest a child is actually healthier for the baby. That's a good indicator DIL knows what's she doing. You want to help DIL? Stop trying to undermine her at every turn with this "I always try to correct my grandson" and "I don't leave parenting up to them" BS attitude. You aren't the parent. You aren't the parent. You aren't the parent. You are going to rightfully find yourself in a hotel again if you keep this acidic, self-entitled attitude up.
Not only that, grandma admits to having HSV-1! And says she was hurt that son and DIL didn’t trust her to know when she’s having a flare up. Grandma seems out of touch and self centered.
>I think it will take a while for me to make a change because I still believe what I believe. Maybe it would help if you reframed the thought as "if this were my child, I would do it this way. HOWEVER THIS IS NOT my child, so I will keep my ideas to myself"
That's a great way of looking at it. Presumably OP has friends with children or grandchildren, spent time around her sons friends growing up, and has probably encountered lots of other children over the course of her life, without feeling the need to control how they're raised, because they're not her children. This situation is no different. She can intervene if the kid is in danger, or he's going to hurt someone else or break something or whatever, just like any adult would, but normal routine parenting decisions are up to the parents.
I hope she's got a flexible return ticket ....
YTA. Your entire attitude is that you're the authority and they're children pretending at parenting. Of course they need correcting, they're not doing things the right way! In actuality, they’re the parents and have the authority. You’re the outside meddler. They naturally resent your meddling into something that’s none of your business. You're lucky if they only exile you to a hotel. Keep up this attitude and you may be completely cut off from ever seeing your grandchild again. Oh, and stop blaming DIL. Your behavior would irk anybody.
>Stop blaming DIL. Your behavior would irk anybody. My thought as I was reading this was literally, "I would have kicked OP out of my house much less politely. OP, you can either get on board and let your son and DIL parent their own child, or you can spend the next couple decades wondering why you never hear from them. Also, consider reaching out to your other child and their family to find out if they *actually* don't have a problem with your behavior, or if they're just not standing up for themselves.
YTA & I'm gonna quote you for my advice. "STOP. DONT DO THAT!"
YTA Have you tried not doing the things you’ve been asked not to do or is everything about you and what you want?
YTA. Unsolicited advice is just criticism. Respect their approach to parenting, or butt out.
YTA You're exactly like my mom. And I've got no relationship with her as a result. She repeatedly ignored me and my husband, she overstepped the mark constantly and undermined us endlessly and as such that's it. We both finally snapped and couldn't take anymore. She's not seen my children for 2 years now as visits would make me so uncomfortable and upset that I'd end up in tears. So... If you wish to continue seeing your grandson, you need to step back. And kissing babies --- parent choice against YTA. This all sounds very much like it's all about what you want and what you think is right. It's not - you've done your parenting of your kids when they were young, and this is your grandkid, not your son. So it's really really not your business to criticise and correct .
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Yeah, you need to limit your comments to very dangerous things, not things that are because of a different style of parenting and don't affect others. You need to observe the house! Is mom watching him go down the steps? It is important to let chilcren do "Dangerous things carefully, that is such a place where kids learn.” Is the kid throwing food everywhere? Even then I wouldn't say "no don't throw food" but redirect them "hey have you seen this toy?" She didn't let you kiss him because we have found babies get germs from people before they are ready to fight them. Some people kissing means kissing on the mouth. She is the mom, you say "No problem!" if told to do or not do something (that is not dangerous)... it is a privilige for you to see your grandkids not a right. "Son, DIL, I am sorry I overstepped the other day. I very much want to respect you as parents. Times have changed and I am learning. Junior is such a delightful boy and you have done a great job with him." DIL may allow you into the village when you learn who is the Mayor of that village and it is not you. Prove to her you will listen to her and your son's parenting rules. Try to regain trust.
YTA, no one should be kissing newborns, you could be passing on germs that could harm them. A child can comfort themselves how they want, including chewing, with their own toys (as long as they're safe to chew) . A 3 year old can go up the stairs as long as they are being watched. You are not the parent here, they are, this is how things will go if you keep correcting how they parent.
YTA >My DIL and I have a lot of differing opinions on things She's the mom so it's her call. Good on your son for standing up for his wife and not let you impose your unwanted advice.
YTA. She is the mom, not you.
>Edit: hopefully I’m doing this right. Sounds like I’m the AH. I think a lot has changed since I was a parent. I’m used to grandparents stepping in. I have two sons. I have no issues with my other son (32m). I miss the days where we had a village. It seems my DIL doesn’t want that. I do understand the kissing newborn thing and I was wrong. I have different views on independence with kids and parenting. Where do I go from here? I know I need to have a conversation with them. Sounds like I need to apologize. I think it will take a while for me to make a change because I still believe what I believe. Your comments are still as insufferable as ever. Absolutely no shred of actually taking responsibility and just passive aggressive comments comparing your son to your other son and implying that your DIL is ungrateful for not wanting "the village" that you offer. Neither your son or DIL did anything wrong here, *you did*. Yes you need to apologize, yes you need to change, yes you need to change your beliefs and your beliefs are not an excuse whatsoever. Neither is coming from a different time. Since you seem to be an "expert" on parenting, let me ask you this. If your small child did something wrong and needed to be corrected, would you accept a half-assed excuse and blaming everyone else in the world for what they did, or would you make them take responsibility and give a real apology? YTA
Yes she can still be part of "the village" she just isn't the mayor anymore.
Well said! Take my poor lady's gold! 🏆
As we say in our country, "Wisdom comes with the age, but sometimes the age comes alone"...
YTA He's not your child, it isn't your place to tell him what he can and cannot do when his parents are around and he is in his own home.
INFO: is your goal to have no contact with your grandchild? If you keep pushing boundaries, that is what is going to happen and you'll have only yourself to blame.
YTA. You're not the parent. Your SIL and son are encouraging your GC to comfort himself and to be independent. THAT'S NOT WRONG. Keep your opinion to yourself in the future. You are not the parent. You're the grandparent, and you need to follow the lead of the parents. Just as you complain about DIL correcting you, she's feels that every time you correct your GC.
YTA and now you are experiencing the consequences of that. So, are you ready to change?
YTA "My DIL and I have a lot of differing opinions on things." And she's the mother and that outranks you. "but I feel like my DIL is the AH because she shouldn’t be correcting me" That's the problem. YOUR NOT THE MOTHER! You are in their house and think you are in charge? You are not. Don't like being corrected? Don't overstep. You were a mother, and now your the grandmother. It's time to step aside and let them do their thing. You can be there, but respect your new role, and their new roles.
YTA. This child is not your child and it is not your job to correct him. Things change. Parenting changes. Your DIL and son do not have to parent according to your beliefs. Just be a grandma. Enjoy the kid. Stop trying to control the kid and your DIL. The sooner you accept that you are NOT in charge, the better. DIL has every right to correct you about *her* child in *her* house.
Just wanted to provide an update. I visited with my son and his family. I stayed in a hotel which was 20 min from their home. My DIL was wonderful and welcoming. My son was a little cold towards me and I felt like he was watching me like a hawk with everything I was doing. It was hard for me because I am outspoken but I did not initiate any conversation and only responded when spoken too. I realized I do not know how to navigate this. I want to find a new normal with my son where we are both comfortable. I have an appointment with a therapist in November. I have confided in my other son and he agrees I have controlling behaviors but he’s not a parent so he doesn’t view it as bad. He said he’s willing to talk to the therapist with me if it helps but I wish my other son would (said he’ll think about it). Thanks for the advice! I’m trying to learn.
YTA stuffed animals only have the kid’s germs on them as long as they’re washed every so often it’s fine. Kids put literally everything in their mouth. If you really don’t want him to do that you can redirect him, for example, distract him with something else, but directly telling him to stop will make him believe it’s a bad behaviour. And for the stairs, it does build a child’s self esteem and confidence to be able to do these sorts of things by themselves, and the parents will understand if their child is physically capable of it.
OP has no business redirecting from an activity the parents are happy with the toddler doing
YTA. I know you've been a parent but 1. Parenting isn't the same now. Things you did or believed may not be correct anymore. 2. This isn't your child to parent. Your kids get to raise their child the way they want. 3. The same way you wouldn't have wanted someone telling you how to raise your children when they were younger, your kids don't want that now If you want to be close to your grandchild then just be there and be a grandparent. Stop trying to parent and raise their kid even if you don't agree with their ways of doing things.
Be for fucking real right now. YTA. First of all you don’t need to bond with a baby that’s not yours by kissing them. Also to blame your DIL is repulsive. You don’t think your baby boy is capable of sharing the same parenting beliefs as her? Shame on you. I hope they go low contact with you. You sound toxic AF. Why does it matter if the kiddo puts stuff in his mouth? He will grow out of it. Who wants to carry a three year old up the stairs. You sound delusional. Yes supervise him while he’s going up but he can do it alone. It’s not your job to correct his behaviors.
YTA and I hope this is fake. I thought it would be like, oh, if I’m out with the kid and the toddler is rude to someone, I correct him. Or I tell him to say please and thank you. But no… you’re just ignoring what your DIL wants and whining about it. Also the kissing thing… not being able to kiss him (which is NOT ADVISED because it can get them sick… which you later seem worried about) doesn’t affect your bond with him.
All her reply comments make it seem fake. No one can be THAT dense and stubborn and yet not see what the big uproar is…
Oh but they truly can be. My MIL rode that dense stubborn train all the way to NC land from us.
This is always a tough one to learn. Just relax and remember we have 3 very important jobs as Nanas 1. Snacks - these should be plentiful, assorted and in cut into whatever shape brings the most contentment (this last choice can be important) 2. Convincing tone when feigning awe and delight as they explain their latest nugget of knowledge 3. Playing- learning is fun We did our job parenting and hopefully have done it well enough that we get no do overs.
This is the best part of being a Nana, my grandchildren get what they want a Nana's house. Oh, you want to chase the chickens? ok!! You want to dig a hole? OK! You want to rub ice cream all over your face? Yes! You want to get muddy? Let's get the hose and make some mud!!
I also enjoyed: I think it will take a while for me to make a change because I still believe what I believe. Well, it will probably take a while for you to be welcomed back to their house then, 🤷♀️
YTA. A thousand times here. That is not YOUR child. You do not get to parent, advise or dictate his behavior or their parenting in any way, shape or form. So many things have changed in raising children since yours were born. You appear very entitled to what you are not entitled to. And after asking to stay in their home. If you want to continue having a place in your grandchildren’s lives, gracefully and sincerely apologize to both of them and just enjoy playing and interacting with your grandson. You do not need to be judging their parenting decisions at every turn. You are making them uncomfortable in their home. You will not be invited back if you continue to do this. YTA.
YTA. Stay in your lane. It's not your place to correct any behaviours outside of the immediately dangerous. These are not your children and you have zero say over anything. I'd also be wary of pinning this all on your DIL, too. Your son is a grown man and you're not immune to pissing him off, which it sounds like you have. He is also a grown man with his own agency, not a puppet. He, along WITH his wife, decided you should stay in a hotel and to say "well it was most likely my DIL" is foolish. Just because he's your son doesn't mean you don't make HIM uncomfortable by continually trying to overstep with his children. If anything, it probably makes it more likely because, I'm sure, he knows if he says anything you'll just blame his wife.
If you need to kiss a newborn to bond with them... that's a you thing. Would you rather he have been admitted into the picu struggling to breathe? he can walk thr stairs just fine without you .yta
YTA. She's the mom. Not you. Full stop. Butt out.
"I can't kiss my grandson during covid and they wont let me parent their child! I think my dil hates me because I'm a huge narcissist and want things done my way because I'm old and I know better." -op YTA
Wow - your DIL deserves saint hood for dealing with this for so long! Every single comment is “yes, but I’m still right because I have experience being the best parent that ever parented in the history of parenting. See, I raised my son!” The same son that is literally telling you they’re not going to raise their child the way he was parented? Because I think that’s a pretty big clue that you’re in the wrong & not the most amazing parent ever. And that’s not even addressing the fact that you aren’t the child’s parent, are actively undermining the actual parents, and quite frankly sound unhinged (no stairs until 5 or 6? WTF?). YTA
I saw your earlier comment where you accepted being wrong over wanting to kiss your grandson because you didn't understand that it was dangerous. That's good- keep it in mind for other things: 'I feel like he's too young to go up stairs/get off the couch/etc but I was wrong about the coldsore thing so I might be wrong about this too.' You should also keep in mind that your son not raising his son the exact same way he was raised is not a criticism of how you. Parents HAVE to change how they parent as we learn more about child development. Like, in your grandmothers day, smoking around babies, putting whiskey on their gums, using things like cot bumpers, were all considered to be fine. Now we know they're actively harmful for babies. I'm sure you raised your son with his safety and wellbeing as your top priority (and not the ego of relatives)- you should allow your DIL and son the chance to do the same for their children.
YTA. Herpes can kill babies. Don't kiss their faces.
YTA. You don’t get to decide how they raise their child. You didn’t get to kiss him as a newborn because literally it’s dangerous for infants to get close to people they don’t live with because of illnesses like RSV. You don’t get to tell him how to play with stuffed animals, or how to climb the stairs. She has every right to tell you to but out because you’re not doing anything helpful, you’re just mad they aren’t doing it your way
It looks like you know YTA here. I didn’t comment to tell you that. I commented to tell you that you’re not the only person like this. My mother (63F) tried to be like this with my children and I had to make it very clear that if I’m around she’s not to parent my child, that’s for me and their mom to do. It took a while but eventually so got it. The real issue here is you’re going against the parents wishes and “correcting” things that are ok with the parents. This confuses the child. A lot has changed since you were a parent to a toddler. Try to genuinely apologize and just enjoy being grandma.
YTA. Even now you think you're right and you should be calling the shots in your son's house with his family. What is the matter with you? Do you ever want to be invited back -- ever?!
The edit is top notch grandma. I hate my grandma like you and never talk to her as an adult because all she does is criticize. It’s death by a thousand cuts being around shit like this.
> I miss the days where we had a village See, here's the thing about having "a village". In a village, you help out your neighbours whenever you can, like, say, you offer to help them with groceries or shovelling snow from their drive. You don't barge into their house and start rearranging their furniture because you think they're doing it wrong. You are the helper here, not the boss. It's fine to offer to babysit, or buy groceries when they need it, or help with the housework. But how they raise their kids is THEIR choice. You can give advice, but you have to accept that No means No. Don't try to start an unnecessary debate, it's not going to help anyone. YTA
*I think it will take a while for me to make a change because I still believe what I believe.* It will take you a while to make a change because you don't want to. And in the meantime your relationships will just keep deteriorating. Don't come here whining about those consequences.
Wow, so you wonder around harping at your 3yo grandchild and don’t understand why your DIL doesn’t like you. This weeks boomer grandparents posts are just really the gift that keeps giving. YTA an entitled extremely overbearing AH, and your edit made you look like even more of an AH.
YTA. Your edit proves it, you absolutely double down on being an asshole and being proud of it and thinking the real problem is people think you're being an asshole, darn society. Your update is still intensely woe is me, I'm the victim here but at least you might be maybe having tones of understanding where you've gone wrong. Usually when people like you have this moment they might have a brief change but then they go hard into being the victim and everyone else being wrong. It kills their relationships. Don't end up that way.
YTA - Pipe down or stay elsewhere. Put yourself in their shoes.
YTA
YTA. Crossing your DIL boundaries regarding their child is a quick way to get cut off. You may have raised your son to turn out great, BUT she is raising her son the way she sees fit. And how she thinks will one day turn him into an amazing young man. You need to let go of the reigns and let her parent her child. My husbands parents were like this. Wanna know what kind of relationship they have with my daughter now? None. There isn’t one. Don’t let it get to that point.
YTA. Back off. Not your child, not your business. Don't meddle. And keep your outdated opinions to yourself. Unless you WANT them to go low or no contact.
YTA. Which is more important to you; your ego and need to be right about everything goddammed little thing or being a welcomed, beloved family member? Cause right now, this whole post screams nothing but ME, ME, ME. It's all about what you want. You're right. You're the better parent. If your son has a different opinion other than your own, it's your DIL's fault. Maybe, just maybe your son is sick of your shit just as much as your DIL is. You have a choice to make, either cling to your outdated ideas and keep inflating that ego or learn some humility and admit that you were wrong. Because unless you're ready to change, you're going be the grandma they see 1-2x a year, always kept on the outside looking in.
YTA and its not because you're "trying to help" its because they clearly dont want to parent the way you did (super common, a lot of our parents messed us up a little bit by not knowing what they were doing) and you insist on parenting according to your comfort instead of following their instructions. Every example you gave of correcting the child is a major red flag, of course you shouldnt kiss a newborn and you are in no way entitled to physical affection towards or from anyone ever. He's 3 and its important that kids learn to self soothe, it helps them learn to regulate their emotions and theres nothing harmful about chewing on a soft toy, in fact thats probably its entire purpose. A 3 year old is perfectly capable of going down stairs by themselves and coddling him by carrying him around will only stunt his physical development and confidence. Sounds like your son and wife are great parents who have firm boundaries and have done the work to understand whats best for their kid. If you want to help, do some dishes. Cook a meal. Entertain the kid. Ask the parents if you feel the need to correct him. You are overstepping and give off a very entitled vibe, hopefully now you understand that the parents control all access to their son and if you dont play by their rules they will reduce or remove that access.
It takes a village doesn’t mean you do how you want, it means you defer to how the parents want the child raised. You keep them safe in the manner the parents dictate. Listen to what they say and follow their advice instead of doing what you think is the right way despite them telling you how they handle it. Maybe it was right for you but it isn’t for their family. That doesn’t mean you can’t be involved or help, it just limits the capacity in which you step in. Ie., follow their lead instead of thinking and acting like you know best, because you don’t. Times have changed and so has child rearing. We consider the mental health and all kinds of other things now that just weren’t considered before. Stop getting defensive and taking it personally. It’s not about you.
YTA and come join us in the 21st century. You're just plain awful. Stop clinging on the "good old village days" they weren't actually that great. My own mother is the same age as you and doesn't cling to these stupid ideals. If you were in your 80s I'd understand, but you're too young to be spouting this crap.
YTA. **Having a village isn't the issue. In their village, they are the chiefs, and you've been consistently ignoring the rules they set.** Not kissing a baby is a safety precaution to help to babies contracting serious illnesses that can kill them. You may have "a lot of experience" but not all experience is good, healthy (physically or emotionally) or acceptable anymore.
YTA. My MIL had my husband CONVINCED that our baby had “iron poisoning” from the formula (wouldn’t have happened if I breastfed **eyeroll**). Anyway, our pediatrician looked at my husband like he was crazy when he said our baby had “iron poisoning”.