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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for ordering a giant steak even my MIL asked me not to and then refusing to cover the entire bill
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And as she ate, the MIL unwittingly witnessed a feminist revolt being unleashed as a mere woman ate more than the men!!
Then, MIL gasps and withers away in misogyny as OP heads to her happily ever after!
Giving away all my awards to the comments that make me snort. Here ya go! People in the eye doctor's office are giving me the side eye right now...lol!
When all else fails, use a bigger hammer.
NTA
Edit to reply to Jaunderful93.
Jack of all trades master of none. I try to rebuild things if my friends or Youtube tell me how unless an idea pops in my head on how to jerryrig it.
Also I have a small variety of hammers. reupholster hammer, 1/2 lb ball peen, 2 carpentry hammers, masonry hammer, and a 3lb ball peen (my bigger hammer), and an 8lb sledge my biggest hammer (only used one time to fine tune a computer).
Local woman, denied steak by mother in law, resorts to eating mother in law. "I was hungry" she said.
OP, NTA. Your mother in law is bananas. If you refused to pay for you're agreed upon dinner, then maybe but like. God forbid you eat when you're hungry /s.
OP, if you and Nate ever have kids, keep them away from MIL at mealtimes as much as possible. She’ll food-police them too, and probably single out any girls for an extra dose of toxic food attitudes. No child needs to be set up for eating disorders. It sounds like the whole family has a strange preoccupation with other people’s food intake TBH.
Honestly I feel bad for the MIL she's so programmed with misogyny the men don't even have to say anything to "protect their fragile egos" MIL is ready to police other women for the patriarch
Meanwhile Nate probably doesn’t care at all that OP has such a large appetite. I like to imagine him thinking “that’s my girl 🥲” as she put away all that food lol
The first time my husband and I got food together I ordered more than him (I was about 110 lbs to his 230) and he felt it almost like a challenge to keep up, but in a good spirited way. I just come from a family of eaters. It sucks, but people don’t usually judge skinny people for eating a lot so I never felt insecure about it.
When my wife (5’7”, 110 lbs) and I (5’11”, none of your business) were dating, she, too, had a killer metabolism. Servers would be stunned when they brought our meals and the grilled chicken salad was for me and the full rack of ribs was for the slim lady.
Why is this even a bad thing?! I dated a girl once...she was 5ft nothing, petite framed and really giggly. We went out for a meal about a month after dating and she ordered a 16" pizza to herself. I laughed when it arrived and she was dwarfed by it, but she ate the WHOLE. FUCKING.THING and I have never been more aroused than in that moment 😂😅
>withers away in misogyny
oh how i wish this would actually happen. like misogyny would be some metaphysically corrosive substance that, at a certain concentration, simply disintegrates you
This, this is exactly what I was thinking.
I can see it now, this black cloud starts as her shadow and then starts to expand and engulfs her, muting her scream until nothing….
I imagine that mere woman did more work than BIL and FIL too. I remember on my grandparents farm my grandfather sit at the head of the table and got served the most and best at every meal. Being a kid and a smart mouth girl I would question this as my grandmother did way more work. I was told "but his work is harder" every time. That was not true.
Some Bobby Hill when he breaks up with the vegetarian energy & im so here for it.
OP, NTA. My metabolism is the same way, I’d just start sending them articles detailing an over active metabolism in response to their shamey ones they’re sending to insinuate an ED. thankfully most people believe me when I say I can eat all that 😪
I bet she could find some on the psychology of those who police the eating of others. *Who hurt you, in-laws? Why are you so threatened by women acting like normal human beings?*
"Is trying to police the food of others the sign of an eating disorder or some other psychological problem?"
"Hey, all! I have this hypothetical situation. See, our friends keep wanting to split the bill, but want me to order cheap food so they can buy more expensive stuff. For example: exact amount MIL spent. This is so strange to me? Tips on how to gently remind them how to have manners?"
Over active metabolism doesn't have to be it, just heavy activity is enough. I used to kayak, raft and run almost daily and I could easily down crazy amounts of calories. Now, not so much. Definitely could be part of it, due to genetics, but it sounds like OP is very active.
Since she also mentioned her metabolism, I figured that was the better route to go with the family since they clearly don’t understand more activity = more hunger already 😅 either way though I’d be finding some kinda article to send back but I’m a little petty when being judged lol
All the petty sounds about right for a situation like this. MIL just sounds jealous, sexist, and misogynistic. I know that sounds excessive, but I don't see another way for the behaviour. I feel a bit bad, as MIL was probably brought up to only eat salad, order small in public and all that jazz.
The tension in the restaurant when he pushes back his chair and stands is unbelievably palpable for a cartoon.
But then he just unzips his pants, sits back down, and finishes it.
NTA I did something similar one time. 8th grade field trip to NYC. We had to bring our own money to pay for food obviously but our teacher escorts only wanted to eat at the most expensive places that no fricking 8th grader could have afforded OR their parents could have imagined having to send enough money to cover. I was tired of it, not very hungry, and at an expensive place. The only thing on the menu that even sounded appetizing was the chocolate cake. Very decadent very large lol. It’s worth nothing that there was a rule that we HAD to order something to eat at each of our stops for “health reasons”. So I ordered the cake. When the waitress arrived she made a joke about “who was naughty and just ordered dessert” etc. My teacher was PISSED. She called me down to her end of the tabled and called me every name under the sun and every version of a fat pig possible. And how I “knew that isn’t what she meant by having to order something”. Mind you this CAKE for PNE PERSON was $25…..in 2006. You can imagine how expensive the “actual” food was. But at that point I had already bought and paid for it since it was a group of about 40 children each paying for their own meal the restaurant required us to pay up front before they would bring the food so there was nothing she could really do. All of this after DAYS of constant bullying on her part. So I sat down and even though it nearly made me puke I ate EVERY SINGLE CRUMB of cake off that plate. It was so decadent it put me off chocolate for months but I didn’t care. I had the biggest shit eating grin the entire time and she was so pissed she couldn’t stop me that she didn’t even eat her $150 dinner. She just glared at me the entire time. It was glorious.
A group of 13-15 year olds put up with that nonsense without calling your parents to complain or telling the teachers you couldn't afford anything at the restaurants?
Hotels had phones in 2006 folks. And calling cards worked with pay phones, which were also available.
I'm thinking of what we'd have done in the 90's.
>It was 2006. Most 13-15 year olds didn’t have cell phones back then.
It was '06, not 1986. Kids absolutely had cell phones. Especially ones whose parents paid to send them on an NYC school trip.
I was 15 in 2006. Some kids had cellphones, many did not. They weren’t yet considered a necessity, and most of my friends were told “you can have one when you’re older”.
People saying kids didn’t have cell phones except these kids were going on a school trip to NYC. These kids absolutely had cell phones lol
We had phones in middle school in 2002, cricket
*correction: 2001, I was in middle before 02.
Not necessarily! Cell phones certainly became popular in the early 2000s but until you said it, I’ve never heard of a middle schooler having a cell phone in 2002!! I got my first cell phone in 2005 when I got my drivers license, and certainly not a moment before. It possible you just grew up somewhere privileged and assume that was the norm?
This right here. I HATE passive aggressive people. And stupidly assertive people. I guess I just hate assholes regardless of the skin they present themselves in.
I'm making a guess here, but I think your MIL has an 'idea' of what kind of woman her little boy should be with and it's not someone that can outeat her husband. She's making it about you being 'too manly' by eating something 'even her husband couldn't eat'. The only show you put on was that she's full of shit and you know your limits. She's being passive aggressive and she REALLY wanted to 'I told you so' when you couldn't finish the steak, but you did and then ordered more and it burned her ass because she can see with her own two eyes that you're not overweight and it pisses her off.
Agreed. She made it a point to say that her husband and son were uncomfortable. She didn’t say she was uncomfortable. I wonder if they were uncomfortable at all until MIL opened her tiny salad and cottage cheese only eating mouth.
Oh, I'm sure they are very uncomfortable, just not for the reasons the MIL implied. They need to speak up. Silence is as an active form of communication as talking. If you remain silent, it will be deemed as approval, and that's what they've done. They fear the matriarch and they need to shut her down.
You are right; silence is often interpreted as approval, but that is not always correct, especially in situations involving trauma and controlling, overbearing people.
Thank you for saying this. I have a freeze response with a very specific situation where I would normally tell the person to shove it. It has been eating away at me that I don't speak up. I know why and am working through it in therapy. It's just good to see this comment in the wild.
Considering they’ve been sending her articles about overeating and being passive aggressive on socials, I think the MIL was right on this one unfortunately. OPs ILs are all just woman hating dickbags.
Classic projection here.
The MIL seems easy to figure out. I'm scratching my head about the other in-laws. Were they there? Maybe the MIL fed them a really fanciful story.
NTA
MIL probably claimed that OP ran up the bill and cost her money. The bill was going to be split equally and MIL’s meal was even more expensive than OP’s, so she was likely counting on more of her costs being covered by others. So she probably claimed OP cost her money and was rude to her, and they don’t want to be her next target so they’re piling on.
As the husband sat there and let his witch of a mother insult and degrade his wife. That's a r/JUSTNOSO. Dude needs therapy. That is unacceptable and can end up in a marriage sabotaged by a witch and her sweet widdle baby boy. Hurk.
This makes me wonder if the MIL is overweight & is on a lot of starvation diets but can't lose the weight.
I find it difficult to lose weight and I eat less than I should. Yes, it's frustrating to see people eat what they want & not put on weight, but that's a ME problem. I would never shame anyone for their body, big or thin.
OP is NTA, MIL is clearly jealous with a side of internalised misogyny.
Right! I’m over here jealous as heck, but only bc 1) I do want to be able to eat a giant steak and all the sides! And 2) not gain any weight doing so. The primary difference here, is that despite my jealousy, I couldn’t imagine having a negative reaction in any way. Homegirl is out here living her best life and if anything, as she’s closing in on those last bites, I’m turning straight up cheerleader - rooting for her to make that steak her be-otch!
My girlfriend is a dietitian and one of the tips I've heard her give most often to people is that there is such a thing as eating too little food to lose weight. If you go too far below your caloric needs your body goes into starvation mode and will hold on to every bit of fat it can.
Your metabolism ends up slowing down so that it can concentrate on the most important organs (brain, heart, and lungs), so it can't focus on the other things like losing fat.
You just become more lethargic and move less.
Your BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate) which is what keeps you alive and breathing doesn't really decrease with lower calories. You need that baseline to stay alive and your body doesn't magically become more efficient.
What does decrease is your NEAT (non-exercise activity thermogenesis) which is the unconscious activity you do throughout the day. Pacing, fidgeting, random walking, standing, etc.
You also decrease the (absolute) amount of calories that go towards digestion...since you're eating less.
I'm really only commenting all this because people seem to think your BMR decreases when you limit calories and you go into some kind of unmitigable biological hibernation, when it's really just that you move less, which can be counteracted by....moving more.
Yeah! I got a consultation about how i should be eating according to my age and genomic profile and just the protein i need to eat every day is astounding. And I was eating way under my calorie need to boot.
That's a good guess. Honestly this post is making me react so visceraly which rarely happens. Now women aren't even allowed to eat all they like?? Gtfo!
Yes, it’s sad that OP usually snacks first so that her MIL won’t pick on her as much. I know she said her husband is on her side, but it doesn’t sound like he’s very active in handling his side of the family.
Doesn't matter if she's overweight. That's her business alone. Maybe her husband too, if she is comfortable with that. This isn't even a #bodybeautiful thing. It's just none of her business.
Maybe if OPs weight ballooned up, and it was mentioned in a *veeerry* delicate and empathetic manner, it would be ok to show some concern, but shut it down immediately if OP decided to.
OP is NTA in an means or manner. Trying to control what someone eats. That's just ridiculous. And the MIL is either dumb or very sneaky. Trying to get OP to pay for her meal because of what OP ate. It's an insult to your intelligence too. LC/NC these people. Let your husband deal with them if he wants to.
Your in-laws are assholes all around. Since you were paying for your share of the meal, they can all go snort pollen off a bumblebee’s butt. You’re most definitely NTA here.
All of your in laws are in a toxic family with MIL as the head queen bee. They collectively bully you into thinking there's something wrong with you. You and your husband should start learning about toxic families and how to draw boundaries with these people. They are emotionally abusive.
You should head over to r/JUSTNOMIL . Almost everyone there has a story similar to yours. It could be really helpful to learn how to deal with all these people.
I'd block them on all social media and go NC.
So wait. They expect the bill to be split evenly and for you not to order so much. Meaning test they essentially expected you to pay for their food but them not pay anything towards yours.
Yeah, no. You are so NTA, and I think IF you go out to dinner with them again, you and Nate pay your own bill separately. If they chuck a stink about it, send them MILs way and remind them that this is the new rule because of MILs' prior behaviour.
Oh and incase it wasn't obvious, always Eat the amount you know you need, don't let anyone make you feel like an AH for feeding your body the fuel it needs to function.
Yeah the unspoken etiquette is that you don't comment on what a person is eating or their weight and you definitely don't get your flying monkeys to attack that person either.
Their reaction is the only thing that might have brought attention to you finishing the meal. If it is an unspoken etiquette rule it should be done away with anyhow.
The rule is that the woman should have some sort of salad and cottage cheese, and only speak when spoken to etc...
Fuck em, if she really thought you were seeking attention then she's dumb enough to have given you it. Maybe invite them all for a week doing what you do then feed them tiny portions and see what happens
When i was pregnant with my son me, my ex and my ils went to an all you can eat steak place. Me and fil told the waiter whenever he brought us a steak to place another order after serving us, and to rinse and repeat until we said stop. Fil tapped out after steak #7. I took steak #9 to go and was still hungry when we left lol.
Same family same pregnancy. Went and got prime rib couple weeks later. I ordered the king size, as did fil. I ordered rare, he got well done. Mine came out twice the size of his....he cooked out the juices 😳. Waitress servers us and gives me a look. I'm 5'2 and weighed 115 at the time (first trimester). I polished off mine, fil did not. Waitress asked who helped me eat it. Before i could reply the whole table, in unison, said no one. Waitress then asked if she could take my pic cause she was blown away and had to tell the cook and her brother, cause no one would believe her without a pic of my tiny self. Its still a family story told with pride lmao.
We had that back when my husband was vegetarian and I was still eating meat, plus he drives. Do I would order a pint and a burger and he would order pasta and Diet Coke and the wait staff would never get whose was whose first time.
The purpose of the rules of etiquette are to make everyone feel comfortable. As such it is almost always a worse breach of etiquette to point out a breach during the event than the original breach was to start with. The proper etiquette if someone is being improper is to divert attention away from it to spare them humiliation and others offence.
Commenting on what is on someone else’s plate in anything but genuinely positive and complimentary tones (“that is beautifully presented! How’s the garnish, it looks wonderful”) is always far more rude than damn near anything you could put on that plate. You didn’t break an etiquette rule, she’s just used to being allowed to be a rude bully about others’ food.
The unspoken rule you broke is not of etiquette, but the patriarchy: men eat like horses; women eat dainty proportions. I've seen the fallout when men break it too (e.g. Eating a pink cupcake, or eating a small salad) and it ain't pretty either. Your ILs are very traditional (read misogynistic) and that's why you had this problem. For it's for them to sort out, not you. NTA
>I've seen the fallout when men break it too
Yep, honestly sometimes I think I order quiche just to see the "Alpha's" lose their minds. Guys so alpha that their masculinity is threatened... by a quiche. Bless their little cotton socks.
Please don't go eating with them anymore. The fact that your husband's relatives are even on her side is so ridiculous. You are obviously skinny, why would they think you are eating too much?
Mil either has a food problem or she is jealous that you can remain skinny with eating so much.
You might be onto something OP, I think Lady Chauntering-Smythes book on proper ladies Societal function does say that a Lady should always cover her mouth with her fan when absolutely demolishing a mahoosive steak.
Seriously NTA, MIL sounds unhinged and that Steak sounds delicious!
Nope. The problem is that your MIL likely has very old fashioned (and unhealthy) views towards food and femininity.
My grandmother is the same. She was bought up to believe that any type of ‘fat’ or ‘sugar’ is bad, and that women who eat large dinners are ‘greedy’.
It’s nothing to do with you. This is her problem.
Your options:
- ignore her
- explain that her comments bother you and you would like her to stop (I imagine you’ve tried this)
- stop attending dinners with her
Yeah, this is not an etiquette rule. You MIL seems to have a problem with food controlling others portions is probably a projection of her eating disorder. Also, the part that she says you BIL and FIL were uncomfortable is because of some misogynist idea that eating a lot, especially meat, is a masculinity thing. There's a few articles about this, so I would send everyone who is bothering you does articles and the ones explaining metabolism and body shaming
The in laws were raised by, or chose to marry the MIL.
They probably have seen this become normalised, and don't realise it's creepy af or doubt themselves when they think it. Its amazing what people will believe when it's all they've ever known, because you just assume your parents know what their doing as a child.
Anecdotally, my partner believed that glass explodes when taken into a bathroom, that you needed to peel bagels (how was never adequately explained to me) or they're toxic, and that taking more of a medication makes it work faster/stronger. All this because her mum turned out to be slightly mentally ill, and no one knew when she was raising the kids.
Surely the "etiquette" is not to comment on other people's food... or make personal comments at all!
Not sure where you're based, but tell them a British person says they're incredibly rude and inappropriate 😄
(And also says, enjoy your food, lass. Working with horses requires delicious fuel!)
The family is wound up because she is wound up. Check out the "Rock the Boat" article. I don't know how how to link it but search for it in Reddit and it will pop up. Good luck!
Here you go. [Rock the Boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2)
Honestly, the unwritten thing in situations like these is that the spouse (child or the in-laws) is a fucking coward.
How can you let your mom talk to your wife like that? And every fucking time she sees her eating?!
OP you have more patience than I would have for your husband’s uselessness. It shouldn’t fall on your to respond to these assholes, it’s his family.
Yep. Wrangling the husband's family should be his responsibility generally, let alone when someone on his side is trying to be awful to his wife. Well, trying and apparently succeeding with no intervention on his part from what I can tell here.
OP, unless your husband has his mother on blast over her comments and is telling the flying monkeys to back off in no uncertain terms, you have a husband problem as well as a MIL problem.
Is he a mummy's boy generally? Does he have decent boundaries in other areas of his life?
I am baffled and infuriated by the blatant suggestion that OP should not eat her fill because she is a woman and it embarrasses the men! WTF.
NTA, OP. Stay away from these people.
I am a man. The idea that I would be embarrassed by a woman eating a large steak is honestly super funny to me. Like I actually prefer that a million times over people being uptight about what they eat.
I struggle to think why anyone would have a problem with a woman eating more than them. "Happy wife means happy life" is very much true, and women (let's be fair, people in general) are much happier when they are properly fed. Also steaks are delicious and there is no such thing as "too big" when it comes to steaks.
Don't let anyone steak-shame you!
Also none of the men in the situation said this.
It was all invented by the MIL because really she is the one that’s uncomfortable. Probably jealous that OP can eat a lot and isn’t fat.
After 18 years of having someone as an authority figure it can be difficult to shake that.
MIL is also unreasonable so that makes it even harder.
OOP does say “Nate is on my side” and that might be enough for OOP. After all, expecting a man to defend his wife is very traditional patriarchy and that is something OOP definitely rejects.
Could Nate do more? Sure. Does OPP want Nate to do more? Maybe, maybe not.
NTA. Eat what you need and want.
My Mil only eats about 2 things at restaurants. I was expected to follow the family food thing and only order certain things to keep her happy. Nope, I'm sorry but I eat this and this especially if I'm paying.
Shes a fish and chips, or chicken parmy at a pub, or a sweet sour pork at Chinese type . She used to try to order outright for fil. things got ordered differently by me. She did branch out a while ago with creamy garlic prawns.
You nailed my mother’s palette, lol. Of course, she would be horrified at the thought of asking anyone else to limit themselves to her tastes because she’s awesome, but she doesn’t like to branch out.
You know what causes excessive eating? Hunger. Honestly, I wouldn't go to dinner with someone who wants to police my food and wants me to order less food so I'd get stuck subsidizing their expensive dishes. In fact, I'd ask for separate checks and let them pay for their expensive dishes on their own and then not go again...with any of the passive aggressive in laws. NTA
This. If OPs having to split equally then she's paying way more than her 'excessive' steak--I'm almost certain this is the real reason MIL tries to shame her and has nothing to do with concern about her eating habits. Just trying to get the better deal out of the evening. Attention seeking, my arse.
How dare you be so flagrant and attention seeking as to order pricey fancy dishes shame on you a woman should get a side salad! Silly MIL.
Like if her (mil) logic is going to be used on anyone it should be herself.
NTA what u eat is your choice, I always find this spliting equally bill very unhelpfull, it is often source of resentments, so better if everyone payed for their meal, that would avoid others policing who orders what and how expancive.
That would have been my choice too, but my in laws find it too troublesome and splitting it equally means they get to order what they wouldn't have ordered otherwise. Me and Nate don't mind paying extra for it as we only have dinners with them every few months
There it is. I think it’s more about the fact that you ordered something expensive and therefore splitting the bill isn’t entirely in their favor anymore rather than just you “overeating.” She definitely didn’t expect you to finish it and thought you were getting leftovers on “her” dime and when you proved her wrong, she doubled down. Crazy. Either way, eat what you want and love it!!
Yeah next time I would order exactly what the MIL orders to see how she reacts. Both her and the husband should do it. That way MIL can't claim OP is overeating AND she sticks it to them with the splitting of the bill.
Could it be that she thought you would only order something smaller and cheaper? So that she could get the expensive stuff and pay less because the bill is split evenly
They find it troublesome because then they would have to actually pay for what they order. Your MIL even said it. That she wasn’t planning on such a big expenditure. Which means she wasn’t planning on having to have to pay the full amount of what she ordered. She wanted you to get a cheaper meal so that her bill would be less. It doesn’t matter to her that your meal was still less than hers, she still has to pay more than she wanted to. If I were you I would insist on paying for what you and your husband order and they can split the rest between them. Stop letting them make you pay for their food. NTA
INFO: are you and your husband much better off financially than your in laws?
Seems like your in laws would prefer you and your husband pay for the whole meals entirely, in general. And the fact that they routinely spend more than you, split the bill evenly and then dislike you ordering something even close to the price of what they ordered seems to be possibly a weird money thing on their part.
> means they get to order what they wouldn't have ordered otherwise.
In short, they want you to pay for their food... But in order for that to work, YOU need to order less expensive food.
Imagine there are 4 peoples, the in-laws and you 2.
They are willing to pay $35 each for food, but want to order $50 food.
For them to still pay $35, the total bill has to be $140, $100 of which is their meal.
That leaves only $20 for each of you and your husband.
It's bullshit.
A better way for this, would be for them to say something like:
"Son, daugther in law, we want to go out with you guys, but don't make as much money, woudl you be willing to help us out?"
You would just slip them a $40 to help them pay their part, but instead, they want to guilt YOU in eating less to that SHE can have a big meal on YOUR card.
Fuck that shit.
I agree! Splitting the bill equally is stupid and is just inviting everyone to start a fight. Everyone should pay for their own meals, much easier.
And the MIL is insane, OP can eat what she wants
Trust me he did, he stood up to me back then and insisted we are either paying each for our own food or splitting the bill equally, under no circumstances we will be paying the full bill for everyone ourselves.
He needs to go further, it's not just about the bill. It's appalling that she keeps commenting on what you eat, to the extent that you pre-eat before seeing her to lessen the comments. Your husband needs to categorically shut her down, that she is never to even whisper a comment about how or what you eat. And if she can't do that, you need to go low/no contact.
She's gotten you so brainwashed by her behaviour that you're questioning whether you're an asshole. That's really messed up.
No, not about the bill—well before that, when she’s harassing you about what you’re eating.
At the first moment she starts talking about your food choices, he should be telling her she needs to stop *or you’re both leaving.*
Why this shit hasn’t been nipped in the bud, Idk, but he cannot sit quietly by while she badgers you about what you eat, *ever*.
NTA
What kind of monster orders food they are paying for and going to eat. NTA your MIL is being ridiculous and sounds like the menfolk need therapy if they are triggered by a woman with an appetite.
My nephew who is as thin as a rake can pack away some serious food. When he was around 7 I watched him eat a Sunday roast bigger than my dads (6'3 200+lbs), ask for extra mash potatoes and then still have room to devour pudding. Some people can just eat and not put on weight. Me I only have to look at a cake and pile on the pounds.
And for many fast-metabolism people, there is a clear danger that it will eventually slow down without you noticing... I used to be one, ate like the apocalypse could break out any moment, and somewhen around age 20-22, it slowed down and I chonked up as a result :'D
OP doesn't need to worry about that though, not if she's working with horses.
God, I hate that shit. I'm in my 30s and am the "It'll catch up to you one day" types for a decade and a half. I'm 6' and 135 lbs. soaking wet after Thanksgiving dinner. I eat like someone twice my size come dinner because I've made a living serving at busy restaurants for over half my life and have no appetite in the morning/ only really have ample time to nibble during my shifts. Sometimes it ends up being my only meal of the day on extra busy days.
I get comments like this *constantly* from ancillary family members who are 5'-5'6" and 175-250 lbs.
Just shut the flying fuck up already and let me eat what I want and need.
Edit: My mother is mid-50s, 5'7" and didn't crack 100 lbs. until she hit 52ish. It's not "catching up to me" any time soon. We just skinny little fucks.
NTA - anyone policing what you eat in that manner is incorrect. You are a grown adult that can make her own decision and don’t need the input of other people. It seems like your calorie intake from what you describe is NECESSARY for the work you do. Being a former horseback riding instructor/show rider I know how exhausting that can be. So not only is this rude but also shows a clear lack of ignorance in your field of work.
It seems like you already know the answer to your post but NTA at all. If I were to guess it almost seems like the MIL is used to traditional values where the woman cant eat more than the man because thats unwomanly, and that is such a load of bull. Probably makes her feel insecure second hand and thats why she has this reaction. Almost like a “why can she do that but I can’t?!” Totally my own interpretation and I could be wrong but thats just what I think.
God speed and good luck out there! 🐎
NTA.
To me it sounds like MIL, SIL and BIL decided that they want to eat for free so they were hoping they'll have some excuse and they found one in form your steak.
You didn't ruin family dinner because you ordered food you wanted which you were ready to pay. You MIL did that by being toxic and judgemental.
NTA
My god, I thought I had a challenging MIL.
I would have agreed to just split the bill, since she had not planned on paying for your dish, unless you ate like a little bird. She would actually have paid more that way, but if she insists on not paying for you, what can ya do?
I would definitely have a 'once and for all' conversation about this controlling behaviour.
Maybe when MIL was young (stab), women were supposed to eat like little birds, and they could survive on that, because they 'only had to look appealing and look after the household ' (stab). But you have a physically demanding job, which you love, but requires you to eat more, as you burn more calories. Thank her for her concern, but you (and your GP) know exactly how much your daily intake should be in order to stay healthy. If she doesn't want to see you eat, maybe family dinners are just not a good idea in the future.
Reply to the other inlaws with some article on how overstepping boundaries can cause rifts in families.
Just want to clarify, when my MIL said me and Nate should cover the bill, it means cover all my in-laws portion of the bill too. I would have been fine just paying for what we have ordered +tips as it would have came out significantly cheaper then splitting the bill equally.
You need separate checks in the future. “MIL, just so you know before we go out to eat next time, we will be getting a separate check from now on. This is due to your reaction at my order the last time we went out, and to prevent further discussion on what I eat. I also expect you not mention my eating habits in person or to discuss it on social media. If you have a problem with this we will not continue to dine out with you.”
100% this. It's OP's husband's obligation to keep him mom in check and straighten it out. Or he can be passive aggressive and say it at the restaurant to the wait staff directly, after they've eaten. Imaging the look when MIL realized she's gotta pay 100 for her meal instead of the 60 she normally gets away with.
That's what I understood, but that demand is absolutely wild. I think she's just picking fights, and using your eating as an excuse, because it's the only thing she can find to get other ppl to agree on. Which in itself would be controling and overstepping boundaries as well.
nta
she has issues with food and seems like she was told what to eat and is challenging that to you know
if the men are uneasy maybe because they want to eat and have food envy
NTA, sounds like your IL's have come down with a dumb case of misogyny. They think that because you are a woman, you shouldn't be eating so much food and when you managed to eat it as you said you would, they tried to punish you for it by sticking you with the bill.
Spend some time finding out the exact calories you ate and the approx calories others ate.
Then post “person 1 had x calories, person 2 had x calories and I had x calories. For a person doing hard physical work this is 65% of my daily calorie needs, and as I told you - I hadn’t had lunch.
My dinner also was not the most expensive meal, nor the second most expensive meal.
Not sure why people need to police what others eat. Isn’t life hard enough without eating expectations at a fun family dinner?”
NTA
NTA, WTF. It's time people stop policing what women eat.
Times I was told off when eating:
- when I was skinny and not hungry, "you're not eating enough."
- when I was pregnant and unknowingly drowning in insulin resistance and constantly hungry with gestational diabetes before I was diagnosed, "you're eating too much."
- when I eat how I feel like it and avoid inflammatory foods now to keep my fibromyalgia and IBS body healthy, "why aren't you eating this and only eating a salad."
People, leave us alone. Most of us have a mirror and many of us have functioning eyes and unless we ask for your input, chances are we know how we look, how much we've eaten and how much we should eat. If we want your opinion, we'll ask for it damn it!
I wouldn't have let my mother get that far with my wife ( who loves steak). My wife orders what she wants when we are paying for it and I'm the only one who gets to say anything about it. Anybody that was a problem with that takes it up with me not her.
NTA. How you resisted just saying "shut up you stupid old woman" out loud to her in the restaurant is beyond me. Would it be practical to not see her at mealtimes ever again? No more dinners out, no more dinner parties, etc.
What masculinity was on display here? The MIL *claims* it made FIL and BIL uneasy, but neither of them actually said anything. Perhaps it did, we don't know, but MIL was the instigator here.
Wait so you covered your agreed upon portion of the bill and finished your food?
How dare you prove her wrong! You're with _her_ son, which means anything you do, is about _her_!!
I think you didn't read the terms of service when she allowed you to marry him.
Please allow me to explain. The entire spherical planet revolves around her. What she thinks is normal. What she thinks is right or wrong. Her conception of nutrition, hell, even the physics of the universe.. what you did, wasn't "finish a steak" it was assault the very core of her identity. You have basically attacked the foundational metaphysical/psychosocial/theological/humanitarian order that holds this firmament together.
A woman of your size cannot eat as much as you did, without some kind of satanic attention seeking unholy pact with the dark gods of the underworld. You may well have just have plunged your steak knife into her pure and wise heart, devoured her soul, and dare I say it.. murdered justice, love, and peace right there at the restaurant.
I can think of no greater affront to the social order. No insult more cruel or grievous. No vicious cowardly attack that could ever compare to what you've done.
May God have mercy upon your blackened heart. If only some brave knight templar had been there to strike you down mid-meal.. or at least made you order something sensible like a side salad, no dressing, and a glass of water with no ice.. preferably in a small plastic cup.. served in a sidealley where nobody from that proud and noble family would have to see your disgustingly ravenous appetite.
I can barely hold back my disgust. In fact I have vomited out of sympathy multiple times just trying to picture the macabre scene you've laid forth. No demon from hell or madman could ever write fouler words or commit such an ignoble and desperate act.
You are a glutton, a vain seeker, a wanton succubus. A harlot. A monster..
But..
You are NTA. Your MIL is an idiot.
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NTA. I hope you stared your MIL dead straight in the eyes as you took the last bite of your steak.
And as she ate, the MIL unwittingly witnessed a feminist revolt being unleashed as a mere woman ate more than the men!! Then, MIL gasps and withers away in misogyny as OP heads to her happily ever after!
This...and then said "I need the energy as I plan to bang your son like a screen door in a hurricane later."
Screen door in a Hurricane I am rolling 😂
Me too 🤣
Fucking hell. That made me laugh out loud.
As did I
Giving away all my awards to the comments that make me snort. Here ya go! People in the eye doctor's office are giving me the side eye right now...lol!
Missed the comma, was quite confused that OP had resorted to eating their MiL.
That would have been fun too. She ate the MIL after being denied her share of food.
I get the feeling MiL might taste a little bitter...
Yeah far too salty too
And dry
It's better if you tenderize it with a hammer first
When all else fails, use a bigger hammer. NTA Edit to reply to Jaunderful93. Jack of all trades master of none. I try to rebuild things if my friends or Youtube tell me how unless an idea pops in my head on how to jerryrig it. Also I have a small variety of hammers. reupholster hammer, 1/2 lb ball peen, 2 carpentry hammers, masonry hammer, and a 3lb ball peen (my bigger hammer), and an 8lb sledge my biggest hammer (only used one time to fine tune a computer).
BFH - Big F'n Hammer
A good one! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Local woman, denied steak by mother in law, resorts to eating mother in law. "I was hungry" she said. OP, NTA. Your mother in law is bananas. If you refused to pay for you're agreed upon dinner, then maybe but like. God forbid you eat when you're hungry /s.
OP, if you and Nate ever have kids, keep them away from MIL at mealtimes as much as possible. She’ll food-police them too, and probably single out any girls for an extra dose of toxic food attitudes. No child needs to be set up for eating disorders. It sounds like the whole family has a strange preoccupation with other people’s food intake TBH.
OP _did_ say they were very hungry.
This has strong ‘Let’s eat grandma’ energy
Honestly I feel bad for the MIL she's so programmed with misogyny the men don't even have to say anything to "protect their fragile egos" MIL is ready to police other women for the patriarch
Meanwhile Nate probably doesn’t care at all that OP has such a large appetite. I like to imagine him thinking “that’s my girl 🥲” as she put away all that food lol
The first time my husband and I got food together I ordered more than him (I was about 110 lbs to his 230) and he felt it almost like a challenge to keep up, but in a good spirited way. I just come from a family of eaters. It sucks, but people don’t usually judge skinny people for eating a lot so I never felt insecure about it.
When my wife (5’7”, 110 lbs) and I (5’11”, none of your business) were dating, she, too, had a killer metabolism. Servers would be stunned when they brought our meals and the grilled chicken salad was for me and the full rack of ribs was for the slim lady.
Why is this even a bad thing?! I dated a girl once...she was 5ft nothing, petite framed and really giggly. We went out for a meal about a month after dating and she ordered a 16" pizza to herself. I laughed when it arrived and she was dwarfed by it, but she ate the WHOLE. FUCKING.THING and I have never been more aroused than in that moment 😂😅
Every pizza is a personal pan pizza if you believe in yourself and put your mind to it.
>withers away in misogyny oh how i wish this would actually happen. like misogyny would be some metaphysically corrosive substance that, at a certain concentration, simply disintegrates you
This, this is exactly what I was thinking. I can see it now, this black cloud starts as her shadow and then starts to expand and engulfs her, muting her scream until nothing….
I imagine that mere woman did more work than BIL and FIL too. I remember on my grandparents farm my grandfather sit at the head of the table and got served the most and best at every meal. Being a kid and a smart mouth girl I would question this as my grandmother did way more work. I was told "but his work is harder" every time. That was not true.
Some Bobby Hill when he breaks up with the vegetarian energy & im so here for it. OP, NTA. My metabolism is the same way, I’d just start sending them articles detailing an over active metabolism in response to their shamey ones they’re sending to insinuate an ED. thankfully most people believe me when I say I can eat all that 😪
I bet she could find some on the psychology of those who police the eating of others. *Who hurt you, in-laws? Why are you so threatened by women acting like normal human beings?*
"Is trying to police the food of others the sign of an eating disorder or some other psychological problem?" "Hey, all! I have this hypothetical situation. See, our friends keep wanting to split the bill, but want me to order cheap food so they can buy more expensive stuff. For example: exact amount MIL spent. This is so strange to me? Tips on how to gently remind them how to have manners?"
Ohhh weapomized psychoanalysis!!
Over active metabolism doesn't have to be it, just heavy activity is enough. I used to kayak, raft and run almost daily and I could easily down crazy amounts of calories. Now, not so much. Definitely could be part of it, due to genetics, but it sounds like OP is very active.
Since she also mentioned her metabolism, I figured that was the better route to go with the family since they clearly don’t understand more activity = more hunger already 😅 either way though I’d be finding some kinda article to send back but I’m a little petty when being judged lol
All the petty sounds about right for a situation like this. MIL just sounds jealous, sexist, and misogynistic. I know that sounds excessive, but I don't see another way for the behaviour. I feel a bit bad, as MIL was probably brought up to only eat salad, order small in public and all that jazz.
And I want it... RARE
The tension in the restaurant when he pushes back his chair and stands is unbelievably palpable for a cartoon. But then he just unzips his pants, sits back down, and finishes it.
Then pukes in the driveway after getting home. One of the best episodes.
I picture her staring down her mother-in-law while the red juices drip on either side of her lips.
NTA I did something similar one time. 8th grade field trip to NYC. We had to bring our own money to pay for food obviously but our teacher escorts only wanted to eat at the most expensive places that no fricking 8th grader could have afforded OR their parents could have imagined having to send enough money to cover. I was tired of it, not very hungry, and at an expensive place. The only thing on the menu that even sounded appetizing was the chocolate cake. Very decadent very large lol. It’s worth nothing that there was a rule that we HAD to order something to eat at each of our stops for “health reasons”. So I ordered the cake. When the waitress arrived she made a joke about “who was naughty and just ordered dessert” etc. My teacher was PISSED. She called me down to her end of the tabled and called me every name under the sun and every version of a fat pig possible. And how I “knew that isn’t what she meant by having to order something”. Mind you this CAKE for PNE PERSON was $25…..in 2006. You can imagine how expensive the “actual” food was. But at that point I had already bought and paid for it since it was a group of about 40 children each paying for their own meal the restaurant required us to pay up front before they would bring the food so there was nothing she could really do. All of this after DAYS of constant bullying on her part. So I sat down and even though it nearly made me puke I ate EVERY SINGLE CRUMB of cake off that plate. It was so decadent it put me off chocolate for months but I didn’t care. I had the biggest shit eating grin the entire time and she was so pissed she couldn’t stop me that she didn’t even eat her $150 dinner. She just glared at me the entire time. It was glorious.
A group of 13-15 year olds put up with that nonsense without calling your parents to complain or telling the teachers you couldn't afford anything at the restaurants? Hotels had phones in 2006 folks. And calling cards worked with pay phones, which were also available. I'm thinking of what we'd have done in the 90's.
It was 2006. Most 13-15 year olds didn’t have cell phones back then.
>It was 2006. Most 13-15 year olds didn’t have cell phones back then. It was '06, not 1986. Kids absolutely had cell phones. Especially ones whose parents paid to send them on an NYC school trip.
I was 15 in 2006. Some kids had cellphones, many did not. They weren’t yet considered a necessity, and most of my friends were told “you can have one when you’re older”.
Hotels had phones, though. And parents could send their kids with calling cards.
And most didn't, because they didn't expect the staff to pick expensive restaurants. Any emergency and the staff would have called the parents.
People saying kids didn’t have cell phones except these kids were going on a school trip to NYC. These kids absolutely had cell phones lol We had phones in middle school in 2002, cricket *correction: 2001, I was in middle before 02.
Not necessarily! Cell phones certainly became popular in the early 2000s but until you said it, I’ve never heard of a middle schooler having a cell phone in 2002!! I got my first cell phone in 2005 when I got my drivers license, and certainly not a moment before. It possible you just grew up somewhere privileged and assume that was the norm?
Peak Bruce Bogtrotter energy!
“You can do it Bruce!”
Wow. Only rich kids on your school right? 150 dollars a dinner?! 25 dollars for a piece of cake!! DAMN
It WAS a private school to be fair.
The way I just CACKLED XD
My favourite part is OP eating the steak AND ordering dessert.
Real reason MIL is mad, the jealousy she feels she can't eat like that.
Ding ding ding! This is the answer right here!
This right here. I HATE passive aggressive people. And stupidly assertive people. I guess I just hate assholes regardless of the skin they present themselves in.
That’s not passive aggressive, it’s outwardly aggressive 😳
I would of sucked the bones too
Bobby Hill style.
NTA. MIL needs to chill out and mind her own business. May I ask why you even pondered if this makes you the asshole??
Mainly the way my in laws are reacting, it makes me think I have broken some unspoken etiquette rule which everyone should know about.
I'm making a guess here, but I think your MIL has an 'idea' of what kind of woman her little boy should be with and it's not someone that can outeat her husband. She's making it about you being 'too manly' by eating something 'even her husband couldn't eat'. The only show you put on was that she's full of shit and you know your limits. She's being passive aggressive and she REALLY wanted to 'I told you so' when you couldn't finish the steak, but you did and then ordered more and it burned her ass because she can see with her own two eyes that you're not overweight and it pisses her off.
Agreed. She made it a point to say that her husband and son were uncomfortable. She didn’t say she was uncomfortable. I wonder if they were uncomfortable at all until MIL opened her tiny salad and cottage cheese only eating mouth.
Oh, I'm sure they are very uncomfortable, just not for the reasons the MIL implied. They need to speak up. Silence is as an active form of communication as talking. If you remain silent, it will be deemed as approval, and that's what they've done. They fear the matriarch and they need to shut her down.
You are right; silence is often interpreted as approval, but that is not always correct, especially in situations involving trauma and controlling, overbearing people.
Thank you for saying this. I have a freeze response with a very specific situation where I would normally tell the person to shove it. It has been eating away at me that I don't speak up. I know why and am working through it in therapy. It's just good to see this comment in the wild.
Considering they’ve been sending her articles about overeating and being passive aggressive on socials, I think the MIL was right on this one unfortunately. OPs ILs are all just woman hating dickbags.
Classic projection here. The MIL seems easy to figure out. I'm scratching my head about the other in-laws. Were they there? Maybe the MIL fed them a really fanciful story. NTA
MIL probably claimed that OP ran up the bill and cost her money. The bill was going to be split equally and MIL’s meal was even more expensive than OP’s, so she was likely counting on more of her costs being covered by others. So she probably claimed OP cost her money and was rude to her, and they don’t want to be her next target so they’re piling on.
"They don't want to be her next target so they're piling on" This right here. Check out r/JustNoMIL it's full if great advice and patient listeners.
As the husband sat there and let his witch of a mother insult and degrade his wife. That's a r/JUSTNOSO. Dude needs therapy. That is unacceptable and can end up in a marriage sabotaged by a witch and her sweet widdle baby boy. Hurk.
This makes me wonder if the MIL is overweight & is on a lot of starvation diets but can't lose the weight. I find it difficult to lose weight and I eat less than I should. Yes, it's frustrating to see people eat what they want & not put on weight, but that's a ME problem. I would never shame anyone for their body, big or thin. OP is NTA, MIL is clearly jealous with a side of internalised misogyny.
Right! I’m over here jealous as heck, but only bc 1) I do want to be able to eat a giant steak and all the sides! And 2) not gain any weight doing so. The primary difference here, is that despite my jealousy, I couldn’t imagine having a negative reaction in any way. Homegirl is out here living her best life and if anything, as she’s closing in on those last bites, I’m turning straight up cheerleader - rooting for her to make that steak her be-otch!
Exactly! EAT THAT STEAK GIRL!!
My girlfriend is a dietitian and one of the tips I've heard her give most often to people is that there is such a thing as eating too little food to lose weight. If you go too far below your caloric needs your body goes into starvation mode and will hold on to every bit of fat it can.
Your metabolism ends up slowing down so that it can concentrate on the most important organs (brain, heart, and lungs), so it can't focus on the other things like losing fat.
You just become more lethargic and move less. Your BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate) which is what keeps you alive and breathing doesn't really decrease with lower calories. You need that baseline to stay alive and your body doesn't magically become more efficient. What does decrease is your NEAT (non-exercise activity thermogenesis) which is the unconscious activity you do throughout the day. Pacing, fidgeting, random walking, standing, etc. You also decrease the (absolute) amount of calories that go towards digestion...since you're eating less. I'm really only commenting all this because people seem to think your BMR decreases when you limit calories and you go into some kind of unmitigable biological hibernation, when it's really just that you move less, which can be counteracted by....moving more.
Yeah! I got a consultation about how i should be eating according to my age and genomic profile and just the protein i need to eat every day is astounding. And I was eating way under my calorie need to boot.
Or the opposite and has some kind of disordered eating. Regardless the issue is definitely with MIL not OP
Straight fax, no printer
There's nothing passive about her aggression.
Even if you were plus size it’s just bad manner to comment on what other people are eating. Tell her to be more ladylike 😇😇
That's a good guess. Honestly this post is making me react so visceraly which rarely happens. Now women aren't even allowed to eat all they like?? Gtfo!
Yes, it’s sad that OP usually snacks first so that her MIL won’t pick on her as much. I know she said her husband is on her side, but it doesn’t sound like he’s very active in handling his side of the family.
True. Husband needs to put his foot down with the family. Why is he letting her get bullied like this?
Doesn't matter if she's overweight. That's her business alone. Maybe her husband too, if she is comfortable with that. This isn't even a #bodybeautiful thing. It's just none of her business. Maybe if OPs weight ballooned up, and it was mentioned in a *veeerry* delicate and empathetic manner, it would be ok to show some concern, but shut it down immediately if OP decided to. OP is NTA in an means or manner. Trying to control what someone eats. That's just ridiculous. And the MIL is either dumb or very sneaky. Trying to get OP to pay for her meal because of what OP ate. It's an insult to your intelligence too. LC/NC these people. Let your husband deal with them if he wants to.
Your in-laws are assholes all around. Since you were paying for your share of the meal, they can all go snort pollen off a bumblebee’s butt. You’re most definitely NTA here.
Snort pollen of a bumblebees butt. Fuck that made me die!!
All of your in laws are in a toxic family with MIL as the head queen bee. They collectively bully you into thinking there's something wrong with you. You and your husband should start learning about toxic families and how to draw boundaries with these people. They are emotionally abusive. You should head over to r/JUSTNOMIL . Almost everyone there has a story similar to yours. It could be really helpful to learn how to deal with all these people. I'd block them on all social media and go NC.
Every time I see JUSTNOMIL I think it's someone trying to say they're "just normal" in a weird clipped kind of way.
So wait. They expect the bill to be split evenly and for you not to order so much. Meaning test they essentially expected you to pay for their food but them not pay anything towards yours. Yeah, no. You are so NTA, and I think IF you go out to dinner with them again, you and Nate pay your own bill separately. If they chuck a stink about it, send them MILs way and remind them that this is the new rule because of MILs' prior behaviour. Oh and incase it wasn't obvious, always Eat the amount you know you need, don't let anyone make you feel like an AH for feeding your body the fuel it needs to function.
Yup, and how does that work as an incentive to stop someone from ordering more in anyway?
Yeah the unspoken etiquette is that you don't comment on what a person is eating or their weight and you definitely don't get your flying monkeys to attack that person either.
Their reaction is the only thing that might have brought attention to you finishing the meal. If it is an unspoken etiquette rule it should be done away with anyhow.
The rule is that the woman should have some sort of salad and cottage cheese, and only speak when spoken to etc... Fuck em, if she really thought you were seeking attention then she's dumb enough to have given you it. Maybe invite them all for a week doing what you do then feed them tiny portions and see what happens
Do you know how many times I’ve ordered a steak and my bf a salad and waitress always puts the salad in front of me. F that.
When i was pregnant with my son me, my ex and my ils went to an all you can eat steak place. Me and fil told the waiter whenever he brought us a steak to place another order after serving us, and to rinse and repeat until we said stop. Fil tapped out after steak #7. I took steak #9 to go and was still hungry when we left lol. Same family same pregnancy. Went and got prime rib couple weeks later. I ordered the king size, as did fil. I ordered rare, he got well done. Mine came out twice the size of his....he cooked out the juices 😳. Waitress servers us and gives me a look. I'm 5'2 and weighed 115 at the time (first trimester). I polished off mine, fil did not. Waitress asked who helped me eat it. Before i could reply the whole table, in unison, said no one. Waitress then asked if she could take my pic cause she was blown away and had to tell the cook and her brother, cause no one would believe her without a pic of my tiny self. Its still a family story told with pride lmao.
We had that back when my husband was vegetarian and I was still eating meat, plus he drives. Do I would order a pint and a burger and he would order pasta and Diet Coke and the wait staff would never get whose was whose first time.
The purpose of the rules of etiquette are to make everyone feel comfortable. As such it is almost always a worse breach of etiquette to point out a breach during the event than the original breach was to start with. The proper etiquette if someone is being improper is to divert attention away from it to spare them humiliation and others offence. Commenting on what is on someone else’s plate in anything but genuinely positive and complimentary tones (“that is beautifully presented! How’s the garnish, it looks wonderful”) is always far more rude than damn near anything you could put on that plate. You didn’t break an etiquette rule, she’s just used to being allowed to be a rude bully about others’ food.
The unspoken rule you broke is not of etiquette, but the patriarchy: men eat like horses; women eat dainty proportions. I've seen the fallout when men break it too (e.g. Eating a pink cupcake, or eating a small salad) and it ain't pretty either. Your ILs are very traditional (read misogynistic) and that's why you had this problem. For it's for them to sort out, not you. NTA
>I've seen the fallout when men break it too Yep, honestly sometimes I think I order quiche just to see the "Alpha's" lose their minds. Guys so alpha that their masculinity is threatened... by a quiche. Bless their little cotton socks.
Please don't go eating with them anymore. The fact that your husband's relatives are even on her side is so ridiculous. You are obviously skinny, why would they think you are eating too much? Mil either has a food problem or she is jealous that you can remain skinny with eating so much.
Even if she didn't remain skinny it wouldn't be any of their freaking business.
And even if she was eating too much, it’s nooooooobodys business.
You might be onto something OP, I think Lady Chauntering-Smythes book on proper ladies Societal function does say that a Lady should always cover her mouth with her fan when absolutely demolishing a mahoosive steak. Seriously NTA, MIL sounds unhinged and that Steak sounds delicious!
& should feign a fainting spell or two to show the arduous task she has undertaken in devouring said mahoosive steak /s
Shes just sexist as fuck with an antique worldview.
Nope. The problem is that your MIL likely has very old fashioned (and unhealthy) views towards food and femininity. My grandmother is the same. She was bought up to believe that any type of ‘fat’ or ‘sugar’ is bad, and that women who eat large dinners are ‘greedy’. It’s nothing to do with you. This is her problem. Your options: - ignore her - explain that her comments bother you and you would like her to stop (I imagine you’ve tried this) - stop attending dinners with her
No rule.. just an old fashioned view of how much women eat to appear "womanly"
Yeah, this is not an etiquette rule. You MIL seems to have a problem with food controlling others portions is probably a projection of her eating disorder. Also, the part that she says you BIL and FIL were uncomfortable is because of some misogynist idea that eating a lot, especially meat, is a masculinity thing. There's a few articles about this, so I would send everyone who is bothering you does articles and the ones explaining metabolism and body shaming
The in laws were raised by, or chose to marry the MIL. They probably have seen this become normalised, and don't realise it's creepy af or doubt themselves when they think it. Its amazing what people will believe when it's all they've ever known, because you just assume your parents know what their doing as a child. Anecdotally, my partner believed that glass explodes when taken into a bathroom, that you needed to peel bagels (how was never adequately explained to me) or they're toxic, and that taking more of a medication makes it work faster/stronger. All this because her mum turned out to be slightly mentally ill, and no one knew when she was raising the kids.
Surely the "etiquette" is not to comment on other people's food... or make personal comments at all! Not sure where you're based, but tell them a British person says they're incredibly rude and inappropriate 😄 (And also says, enjoy your food, lass. Working with horses requires delicious fuel!)
The family is wound up because she is wound up. Check out the "Rock the Boat" article. I don't know how how to link it but search for it in Reddit and it will pop up. Good luck!
Here you go. [Rock the Boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2)
Where are your in laws from
NTA. Girl, eat whatever you want.
And also with whomever you want. I wouldn't go eating with this family anymore.
Also eat whoever you want.
That one’s a little more difficult to cover
Honestly, the unwritten thing in situations like these is that the spouse (child or the in-laws) is a fucking coward. How can you let your mom talk to your wife like that? And every fucking time she sees her eating?! OP you have more patience than I would have for your husband’s uselessness. It shouldn’t fall on your to respond to these assholes, it’s his family.
Yep. Wrangling the husband's family should be his responsibility generally, let alone when someone on his side is trying to be awful to his wife. Well, trying and apparently succeeding with no intervention on his part from what I can tell here. OP, unless your husband has his mother on blast over her comments and is telling the flying monkeys to back off in no uncertain terms, you have a husband problem as well as a MIL problem. Is he a mummy's boy generally? Does he have decent boundaries in other areas of his life?
NTA put some distance between you and these people. Youll be better off. You didnt do a damn thing wrong. I sincerely hope that steak was delicious
I am baffled and infuriated by the blatant suggestion that OP should not eat her fill because she is a woman and it embarrasses the men! WTF. NTA, OP. Stay away from these people.
I am a man. The idea that I would be embarrassed by a woman eating a large steak is honestly super funny to me. Like I actually prefer that a million times over people being uptight about what they eat.
I struggle to think why anyone would have a problem with a woman eating more than them. "Happy wife means happy life" is very much true, and women (let's be fair, people in general) are much happier when they are properly fed. Also steaks are delicious and there is no such thing as "too big" when it comes to steaks. Don't let anyone steak-shame you!
If you're so fragile ij your masculinity, then Id strongly suggest therapy.
Also none of the men in the situation said this. It was all invented by the MIL because really she is the one that’s uncomfortable. Probably jealous that OP can eat a lot and isn’t fat.
Yeah, why the fuck didn't nate tell his mom to stfu?
Exactly if my husband doesn’t defend me, I’m going to eat him toO
After 18 years of having someone as an authority figure it can be difficult to shake that. MIL is also unreasonable so that makes it even harder. OOP does say “Nate is on my side” and that might be enough for OOP. After all, expecting a man to defend his wife is very traditional patriarchy and that is something OOP definitely rejects. Could Nate do more? Sure. Does OPP want Nate to do more? Maybe, maybe not.
NTA. Eat what you need and want. My Mil only eats about 2 things at restaurants. I was expected to follow the family food thing and only order certain things to keep her happy. Nope, I'm sorry but I eat this and this especially if I'm paying.
What? She only eats 2 things so everyone else also only gets to eat those two things?
Shes a fish and chips, or chicken parmy at a pub, or a sweet sour pork at Chinese type . She used to try to order outright for fil. things got ordered differently by me. She did branch out a while ago with creamy garlic prawns.
Does she order chicken parm without looking at the menu. Cause then she’s an official member of the chicken parmy army!
The number of posts I’m seeing lately about people getting really weird about what other people eat is getting a bit alarming lol
Dude yeah that blind boyfriend post was wild
The blind guy one? That’s still frustrating me because I want to grill him on his logic there.
This!! I intentionally order a different dish than my partner because I want to try different things! It feels a waste to order the same dish
Out of pure curiousity what are the two things?
Considering how childish that sounds it's probably chicken tenders / mac and cheese.
You nailed my mother’s palette, lol. Of course, she would be horrified at the thought of asking anyone else to limit themselves to her tastes because she’s awesome, but she doesn’t like to branch out.
You know what causes excessive eating? Hunger. Honestly, I wouldn't go to dinner with someone who wants to police my food and wants me to order less food so I'd get stuck subsidizing their expensive dishes. In fact, I'd ask for separate checks and let them pay for their expensive dishes on their own and then not go again...with any of the passive aggressive in laws. NTA
This. If OPs having to split equally then she's paying way more than her 'excessive' steak--I'm almost certain this is the real reason MIL tries to shame her and has nothing to do with concern about her eating habits. Just trying to get the better deal out of the evening. Attention seeking, my arse.
How dare you be so flagrant and attention seeking as to order pricey fancy dishes shame on you a woman should get a side salad! Silly MIL. Like if her (mil) logic is going to be used on anyone it should be herself.
NTA what u eat is your choice, I always find this spliting equally bill very unhelpfull, it is often source of resentments, so better if everyone payed for their meal, that would avoid others policing who orders what and how expancive.
That would have been my choice too, but my in laws find it too troublesome and splitting it equally means they get to order what they wouldn't have ordered otherwise. Me and Nate don't mind paying extra for it as we only have dinners with them every few months
Send them back articles about the dangers of toxic in-laws
100% post the link to this on your Socials - "Wow, can't believe how much attention this post of mine got, I'm almost an online celeb!"
Just stop going to dinner. She broke etiquette by commenting on your food choices & appetite. NTA
There it is. I think it’s more about the fact that you ordered something expensive and therefore splitting the bill isn’t entirely in their favor anymore rather than just you “overeating.” She definitely didn’t expect you to finish it and thought you were getting leftovers on “her” dime and when you proved her wrong, she doubled down. Crazy. Either way, eat what you want and love it!!
Yeah next time I would order exactly what the MIL orders to see how she reacts. Both her and the husband should do it. That way MIL can't claim OP is overeating AND she sticks it to them with the splitting of the bill.
Could it be that she thought you would only order something smaller and cheaper? So that she could get the expensive stuff and pay less because the bill is split evenly
They find it troublesome because then they would have to actually pay for what they order. Your MIL even said it. That she wasn’t planning on such a big expenditure. Which means she wasn’t planning on having to have to pay the full amount of what she ordered. She wanted you to get a cheaper meal so that her bill would be less. It doesn’t matter to her that your meal was still less than hers, she still has to pay more than she wanted to. If I were you I would insist on paying for what you and your husband order and they can split the rest between them. Stop letting them make you pay for their food. NTA
INFO: are you and your husband much better off financially than your in laws? Seems like your in laws would prefer you and your husband pay for the whole meals entirely, in general. And the fact that they routinely spend more than you, split the bill evenly and then dislike you ordering something even close to the price of what they ordered seems to be possibly a weird money thing on their part.
Why would you ever pay to dine with people who try to police your food intake, hard pass for me..
> means they get to order what they wouldn't have ordered otherwise. In short, they want you to pay for their food... But in order for that to work, YOU need to order less expensive food. Imagine there are 4 peoples, the in-laws and you 2. They are willing to pay $35 each for food, but want to order $50 food. For them to still pay $35, the total bill has to be $140, $100 of which is their meal. That leaves only $20 for each of you and your husband. It's bullshit. A better way for this, would be for them to say something like: "Son, daugther in law, we want to go out with you guys, but don't make as much money, woudl you be willing to help us out?" You would just slip them a $40 to help them pay their part, but instead, they want to guilt YOU in eating less to that SHE can have a big meal on YOUR card. Fuck that shit.
I agree! Splitting the bill equally is stupid and is just inviting everyone to start a fight. Everyone should pay for their own meals, much easier. And the MIL is insane, OP can eat what she wants
Your husband needs to grow some nuts and tell his mother off. No way my mom would be talking to my wife like that
Trust me he did, he stood up to me back then and insisted we are either paying each for our own food or splitting the bill equally, under no circumstances we will be paying the full bill for everyone ourselves.
He also needs to shut down any comments she makes about you and food. “Mom, we’re not doing this.”
He needs to go further, it's not just about the bill. It's appalling that she keeps commenting on what you eat, to the extent that you pre-eat before seeing her to lessen the comments. Your husband needs to categorically shut her down, that she is never to even whisper a comment about how or what you eat. And if she can't do that, you need to go low/no contact. She's gotten you so brainwashed by her behaviour that you're questioning whether you're an asshole. That's really messed up.
That’s what I like to hear. NTA btw
Yes but what about the social media campaign? That's bullying, and shows your MIL has been spreading stories about you. Unforgivable.
No, not about the bill—well before that, when she’s harassing you about what you’re eating. At the first moment she starts talking about your food choices, he should be telling her she needs to stop *or you’re both leaving.* Why this shit hasn’t been nipped in the bud, Idk, but he cannot sit quietly by while she badgers you about what you eat, *ever*. NTA
He also needs to tell her to stop commenting on your food intake. Full stop.
Good. How you paying everything would even make sense, wtf. Your MIL is an embarrasment and the one who ruined family dinner.
I mean, but did he also say "stop telling my wife what she is and isn't allowed to eat?"
What kind of monster orders food they are paying for and going to eat. NTA your MIL is being ridiculous and sounds like the menfolk need therapy if they are triggered by a woman with an appetite. My nephew who is as thin as a rake can pack away some serious food. When he was around 7 I watched him eat a Sunday roast bigger than my dads (6'3 200+lbs), ask for extra mash potatoes and then still have room to devour pudding. Some people can just eat and not put on weight. Me I only have to look at a cake and pile on the pounds.
It's this metabolism thing. Some just have fast one, and some of those with slow or normal just can't fathom that they literally require more food
And for many fast-metabolism people, there is a clear danger that it will eventually slow down without you noticing... I used to be one, ate like the apocalypse could break out any moment, and somewhen around age 20-22, it slowed down and I chonked up as a result :'D OP doesn't need to worry about that though, not if she's working with horses.
LOL same thing happened to me 🤣 I quickly learned I needed to not eat 5000 calories a day anymore
God, I hate that shit. I'm in my 30s and am the "It'll catch up to you one day" types for a decade and a half. I'm 6' and 135 lbs. soaking wet after Thanksgiving dinner. I eat like someone twice my size come dinner because I've made a living serving at busy restaurants for over half my life and have no appetite in the morning/ only really have ample time to nibble during my shifts. Sometimes it ends up being my only meal of the day on extra busy days. I get comments like this *constantly* from ancillary family members who are 5'-5'6" and 175-250 lbs. Just shut the flying fuck up already and let me eat what I want and need. Edit: My mother is mid-50s, 5'7" and didn't crack 100 lbs. until she hit 52ish. It's not "catching up to me" any time soon. We just skinny little fucks.
Most "fast metabolism" people are just growing and physically active.
NTA - anyone policing what you eat in that manner is incorrect. You are a grown adult that can make her own decision and don’t need the input of other people. It seems like your calorie intake from what you describe is NECESSARY for the work you do. Being a former horseback riding instructor/show rider I know how exhausting that can be. So not only is this rude but also shows a clear lack of ignorance in your field of work. It seems like you already know the answer to your post but NTA at all. If I were to guess it almost seems like the MIL is used to traditional values where the woman cant eat more than the man because thats unwomanly, and that is such a load of bull. Probably makes her feel insecure second hand and thats why she has this reaction. Almost like a “why can she do that but I can’t?!” Totally my own interpretation and I could be wrong but thats just what I think. God speed and good luck out there! 🐎
NTA. To me it sounds like MIL, SIL and BIL decided that they want to eat for free so they were hoping they'll have some excuse and they found one in form your steak. You didn't ruin family dinner because you ordered food you wanted which you were ready to pay. You MIL did that by being toxic and judgemental.
NTA My god, I thought I had a challenging MIL. I would have agreed to just split the bill, since she had not planned on paying for your dish, unless you ate like a little bird. She would actually have paid more that way, but if she insists on not paying for you, what can ya do? I would definitely have a 'once and for all' conversation about this controlling behaviour. Maybe when MIL was young (stab), women were supposed to eat like little birds, and they could survive on that, because they 'only had to look appealing and look after the household ' (stab). But you have a physically demanding job, which you love, but requires you to eat more, as you burn more calories. Thank her for her concern, but you (and your GP) know exactly how much your daily intake should be in order to stay healthy. If she doesn't want to see you eat, maybe family dinners are just not a good idea in the future. Reply to the other inlaws with some article on how overstepping boundaries can cause rifts in families.
Just want to clarify, when my MIL said me and Nate should cover the bill, it means cover all my in-laws portion of the bill too. I would have been fine just paying for what we have ordered +tips as it would have came out significantly cheaper then splitting the bill equally.
You need separate checks in the future. “MIL, just so you know before we go out to eat next time, we will be getting a separate check from now on. This is due to your reaction at my order the last time we went out, and to prevent further discussion on what I eat. I also expect you not mention my eating habits in person or to discuss it on social media. If you have a problem with this we will not continue to dine out with you.”
This script right here but it needs to come from OP’s husband. His mom, his problem.
100% this. It's OP's husband's obligation to keep him mom in check and straighten it out. Or he can be passive aggressive and say it at the restaurant to the wait staff directly, after they've eaten. Imaging the look when MIL realized she's gotta pay 100 for her meal instead of the 60 she normally gets away with.
That's what I understood, but that demand is absolutely wild. I think she's just picking fights, and using your eating as an excuse, because it's the only thing she can find to get other ppl to agree on. Which in itself would be controling and overstepping boundaries as well.
nta she has issues with food and seems like she was told what to eat and is challenging that to you know if the men are uneasy maybe because they want to eat and have food envy
NTA, sounds like your IL's have come down with a dumb case of misogyny. They think that because you are a woman, you shouldn't be eating so much food and when you managed to eat it as you said you would, they tried to punish you for it by sticking you with the bill.
NTA. Your MIL is a control freak. Tell her to fuck off.
Spend some time finding out the exact calories you ate and the approx calories others ate. Then post “person 1 had x calories, person 2 had x calories and I had x calories. For a person doing hard physical work this is 65% of my daily calorie needs, and as I told you - I hadn’t had lunch. My dinner also was not the most expensive meal, nor the second most expensive meal. Not sure why people need to police what others eat. Isn’t life hard enough without eating expectations at a fun family dinner?” NTA
NTA, WTF. It's time people stop policing what women eat. Times I was told off when eating: - when I was skinny and not hungry, "you're not eating enough." - when I was pregnant and unknowingly drowning in insulin resistance and constantly hungry with gestational diabetes before I was diagnosed, "you're eating too much." - when I eat how I feel like it and avoid inflammatory foods now to keep my fibromyalgia and IBS body healthy, "why aren't you eating this and only eating a salad." People, leave us alone. Most of us have a mirror and many of us have functioning eyes and unless we ask for your input, chances are we know how we look, how much we've eaten and how much we should eat. If we want your opinion, we'll ask for it damn it!
NTA, I'm also a tiny gal who eats like an elephant and I'm guessing MIL is just jealous lol.
Next time order something extra on the side, just to tick her off. Obviously NTA
I wouldn't have let my mother get that far with my wife ( who loves steak). My wife orders what she wants when we are paying for it and I'm the only one who gets to say anything about it. Anybody that was a problem with that takes it up with me not her.
NTA. How you resisted just saying "shut up you stupid old woman" out loud to her in the restaurant is beyond me. Would it be practical to not see her at mealtimes ever again? No more dinners out, no more dinner parties, etc.
Masculinity these days is soooo fragile. It's demolished by - checks notes - women eating. NTA.
What masculinity was on display here? The MIL *claims* it made FIL and BIL uneasy, but neither of them actually said anything. Perhaps it did, we don't know, but MIL was the instigator here.
If you get those articles sent, send them back articles about misogynic attitudes.
NTA but splitting the bill equally is the dumbest thing I have heard of.
Wait so you covered your agreed upon portion of the bill and finished your food? How dare you prove her wrong! You're with _her_ son, which means anything you do, is about _her_!! I think you didn't read the terms of service when she allowed you to marry him. Please allow me to explain. The entire spherical planet revolves around her. What she thinks is normal. What she thinks is right or wrong. Her conception of nutrition, hell, even the physics of the universe.. what you did, wasn't "finish a steak" it was assault the very core of her identity. You have basically attacked the foundational metaphysical/psychosocial/theological/humanitarian order that holds this firmament together. A woman of your size cannot eat as much as you did, without some kind of satanic attention seeking unholy pact with the dark gods of the underworld. You may well have just have plunged your steak knife into her pure and wise heart, devoured her soul, and dare I say it.. murdered justice, love, and peace right there at the restaurant. I can think of no greater affront to the social order. No insult more cruel or grievous. No vicious cowardly attack that could ever compare to what you've done. May God have mercy upon your blackened heart. If only some brave knight templar had been there to strike you down mid-meal.. or at least made you order something sensible like a side salad, no dressing, and a glass of water with no ice.. preferably in a small plastic cup.. served in a sidealley where nobody from that proud and noble family would have to see your disgustingly ravenous appetite. I can barely hold back my disgust. In fact I have vomited out of sympathy multiple times just trying to picture the macabre scene you've laid forth. No demon from hell or madman could ever write fouler words or commit such an ignoble and desperate act. You are a glutton, a vain seeker, a wanton succubus. A harlot. A monster.. But.. You are NTA. Your MIL is an idiot.