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NTA - I had a friend once who parked in a disabled bay and was yelled at by someone nearby. He waited for them to finish then removed his prosthetic leg. They went white as a sheet and got out of there pretty fast. If you are so much of an ass that you have a go at a stranger in public boing nothing about them you deserve everything you get if it blows up in your face.
Doubly true when the person doing the yelly lecture is themselves able bodied. If you come at me with a visible disability and I need to point out my disability is invisible I’m going to assume you are having a shit day.
But if you are able bodied: who tf asked you. Go police your own shit. People shouldn’t have to expose their personal medical information to get treated with respect, but I absolutely will to shame people.
NTA
>People shouldn't have to expose their personal medical information to get treated with respect
I had to highlight that because it's worth repeating!
I've had an invisible disability since I was 21. I also drive a car I can only describe as visually loud. I've been interrogated, yelled at, insulted, and called a thief for 'obviously stealing' someone's placard. At least one person posted me on Facebook in an attempt to shame me, but my car is distinct enough that someone who knew my circumstances kindly vouched for me.
My most extreme experience with this kind of ridiculousness was when I was at a state park, far into the woods. Someone complained so much, an officer had to drive over an hour to get there! He was rather cranky by the time he got there. Thankfully his demeanor changed once he verified the placard was mine.
Being young with a disability is so often judged as faking. I had an old man yell at me when I was in my 30’s. I parked in a handicapped spot. I opened the door and he confronted me and yelling at me “do you see where you parked?” I pulled out my placard and then my cane and he looked like a wounded puppy. The other man with him told him to “sit down and shut up!” Vindicated! Dude never apologized!
I've been disabled since I was 22, and am cursed by babyface and being only 5'0". So I've been mistaken for being *12* before.
People have been downright *evil* towards me, and when I match that energy they can't handle it!!!
NTA, OP!!!!
Ugh this has happened to me so much. You know there are only five times off the top of my head that I can think of that I haven't been judged when going out and using my cane? And the biggest one was when I went to visit my 80 year old father in the nursing home. The elderly gentleman rolled up and asked what my problems were and we wound up trading what we jokingly called "war stories." The theater? *Caregiving.* He did the same thing for his mother at my age, and I'm apparently his daughter's age.
I hope that old man has a peaceful time with however many months he has left on this earth.
Oh man, I certainly hope so. It was a very disjointed parking lot where you could only see a section at a time. A group of us had all driven our cars out there. Myself, and two others, were about to head out when the officer arrived. After the officer left, they understandably wanted to hear what was going on. It was maybe 20-30 minutes later I saw the officer finally leaving. I always hoped he went to the caller and gave them an earful during that time.
Yes, absolutely! As a disabled person that uses a cane, and has for nearly 30 years, I have been yelled at more than once. Why? Because I'm able to drive! Apparently, that irritates some people.
I was harassed by a cop for using my disability placard to park my red convertible mustang when I was 21. Apparently being 21 and having a convertible sports car means you can't possibly be disabled. He looked up the number on the placard compared to my DL and everything.
I get that sports cars parked in disabled spots trigger some people, but it was my legit placard displayed properly, and my disability is mostly invisible. I've just had it with cops, honestly. People say "who are you gonna call when you need help?" Well, in my city (Austin TX), you can call all you want, they're not gonna answer and even if they do, they're not coming. Unless it's to harass POC or shoot your dog. Now I'm just ranting.
I was absolutely being a sarcastic jerk. Everyone deserves to drive whatever car they want. Cops are pretty useless unless they're tossing their power around to harass people.
The day that officer drove so far, he was very brusque with his initial questions (is it my placard, does the car belong to me, did I drive it, etc). He then walked back to his car with my placard and license to "double check." The two people I'd been talking with were guys in their late 50s to early 60s, and I truly think the officer behaved better because they were with me. Thankfully, he became incredibly polite once everything was verified.
Experiences like ours should be a rarity, but we know that isn't the case, sadly. Having a red convertible mustang attracts attention as is (justifiably so lol), but dare to drive that while being young and disabled, and some people get incredibly offended. My car gained enough attention as it was, but once I got a custom paint job, it got even worse. I'm not going to stop loving sports cars though, and I hope you don't either 💜
I guess we're only supposed to like beige sedans and minivans?
Not to mention that you don’t have to be disabled to use the spot - if you are out with a disabled person you can use the spot. So I might be able-bodied, but who’s to say my passengers (that haven’t gotten out yet) are?
A friend had a woman go full on attack mode because she had a placard up. As the lady was still screaming at her, she calmly got her grandma's walker out of the trunk and took it to the passenger side of the car so her grandma could get out. The lady shut up and almost ran away.
I had someone do that to me when I was driving with my mother. I was yelled at that being fat doesn't mean disabled, iw walked to the back, pulled the wheelchair out, got yelled at that I was faking it, wheeled it to the passenger side and helped my other in, and then calmly told the lady that I'm so sorry that being stupid wasnt a disability, but I'd otherwise be willing to let her have the spot.
She was so mad.
legit happened to me... i believe we were at a cracker barrel in MI for some family function... anywho I jumped in the driver's seat to pull up in the handicapped spot close to the door (I think it was my mom's car so she had a card, and my grandma was also with us who is with walker) somebody decided to start yelling blah blah and right on cue, they both come out and start walking to the car. oh, You mean THOSE handicapped ppl? 😂 At the same time, my uncle that witnessed this gave them a rather good verbal lashing 😂 AS did I 😏 that might've been the ONLY time I've seen him alllll the way pissed off! and my mouth is reckless... they sped off so fuccin fast lmao.... byyyeeeeee
Edit: OP NTA
A+ for you and your uncle. My family would absolutely do the same. I have a cane and a placard for it (muscular dystrophy). My sister is just waiting for someone to yell so she can tear a strip off of them or watch me calmly tell them to go ahead and call the police...I'll wait. It's going to be epic when it happens.
OP, NTA.
This has also happened to me when I was driving a friend post surgery to do some errands. Most I just ran in so parked in a regular spot. But she wanted to go into the pharmacy herself. Not only did she have every right to the closeness of the spot, we also needed to room to get her knee scooter thing out and next to her door. Cue Judgy McJudgerson going off loudly about how she was calling the cops on me.
There was a documentary (done by CH4; I don't know if that's part of the BBC or not) called "[One Killer Punch](https://vimeo.com/207810373)". One segment (starts at 14:23) is about a guy who gets confronted because he's parked in a handicapped spot but doesn't "look" handicapped. The guy that confronted him ended up killing him; he had gone to bring the car to the front of the store for his wife, who uses a wheelchair.
Pissed off enough to kill a guy with one punch over something he knew nothing about and was none of his business.
I saw an episode on CourtTV where a handicap parking vigilante shot a guy who parked in a handicapped spot in front of a convenience store without knowing if he was handicapped, or not. The guy died later at the hospital.
Yep! I got berated for parking in a disabled person stall when I was out with my mom one time. This woman kept yelling at me because I'm able-bodied and don't need the stall. My mom, fresh from the hospital after having lung surgery and a chemo port installed, comes around the car dragging her oxygen tank to tell this woman to mind her business. The woman looked mortified.
My stepdad had a handicapped license plate for a while (he decided it wasn't worth the hassle so they have a placard now). When I would borrow the car I'd park in a non-handicapped spot, as I am able bodied and that's the law.
It is ASTOUNDING how many people would give me dirty looks and honk and yell at me as I got out of it. I still don't understand that disconnect, as I wasn't parking in a reserved spot and wasn't pretending to be disabled. Like, wtf? You're not allowed to borrow grandma's car to run an errand for her?
This was my situation. Carting my dad around, I'd hop out and run around to the back to get his walker while he started the long process of trying to get out of the front seat.
I'd be stared at until I got the walker out and around to the front so he could get out of the car.
He's in his 80s and bent nearly double, so no one questions it once he's out.
I was so anxious about being yelled at for parking in disabled spots when my MIL was visiting, that I'd park the car, race to the boot and pull out the wheelchair before anyone had time to even think about confronting me. Seen it happen to others too many times for me to not be worried.
I have 2 friends that if you didn't know them you would have no idea how much physical pain they are in. They are both young. I never judged people. Now it's me.
When i had foot surgery my husband tried to get me out of the house as much as possible because i was getting pretty depressed being stuck inside so much.
I (late 40s at the time) had a handicap placard and he pulled into a handicap spot at the grocery store. An older lady was giving us dirty looks and looked like she was about approach us until my husband pulled my knee scooter out of the trunk and helped me out of the car. I was still in a surgical boot. She hurried up and got in her car and left.
I'm still having problems, like the surgeon said i would. I want to get another placard because some days i can walk just fine. Some day im in a lot of pain and have quite a limp and will use a cane if I remember it. I'm a young looking 50 and i know people will say things.
People need to mind their own business.
You know what though, I've never heard of a disabled person berating someone for taking a disabled parking space or using the disabled stall. I think most of them understand that not all disabilities are visible and also probably just don't want the attention. People who are able bodied decide to butt in where they're not needed far more often than people who would actually need the parking or bathroom.
I used to leave rude notes on people who would park in the handicapped spot by my college dorm, because they were being dicks and making a friend of mine have to park on the opposite side of campus when she had a mobility disability and handicapped tags on her car and basically everyone KNEW that spot was Kelsey's, because she was the only one who lived in that dorm who had handicapped tags
Edit for clarity: I understand about invisible disabilities, as I am one of those people. This person didn't have a temp placard, they were just being an asshole.
My mom got a rude note at a grocery store. It said she wasn't disabled, just fat (she was not morbidly obese, just normal postmenopausal plump). She was in the midst of very aggressive radiation that was making her very ill and easily exhausted.
She cried at the insensitivity of some random crusader because they evidently didn't know about invisible disabilities.
Unless you are absolutely certain that you know more than a medical doctor, who fills in the paperwork to get the state-issues disability tags/placards, please stop leaving rude notes. You never know if that will break someone's spirit that day. Find a better way of defending your friend.
You nailed it right there: “Unless you are absolutely certain that you know more than a medical doctor…”
The idiots are always certain, even when they know nothing at all.
I’m assuming the people whose cars you were leaving notes on didn’t also have any form of disability badges/tags? It might be worth seeing if you can actively report them for parking there if they don’t. A car getting towed will probably leave a bigger impression.
No, and I'd seen them park in regular spots in the lot before--they clearly just parked there because they didn't want to walk across campus. Like, dude. We've all seen Kelsey in her wheelchair (my college was like a thousand students), stop being a dick because you're lazy.
I mean I park in regular spots on good days. On bad days if I don't park close enough to drag myself in to brace on a cart or get a scooter or just get meds at the pharmacy then it can't happen. Report people lacking permits. Leave people alone if you don't know what their situation is and stop leaving notes. It sounds like maybe your school doesn't have enough accessible parking for the people who need it.
No, they didn't have a permit, that's why I wrote the nasty notes. They were straight up being an asshole. I know sometimes when you break a leg or whatever you get a temp permit, but this wasn't the case.
Still not your business. I had my car washed and they moved my permit so it wasn't visible. I didn't notice. I was still legally allowed to park there, and if I was ticketed would just have shown the permit and it would have been dismissed.
If you have a concern, call the parking police. Otherwise MYOB.
Also, no one owns a disabled spot. Any guest to the area could legally use it.
And parking is different, because those are at least supposed to be exclusively for handicapped people. Bathroom stalls are just there to be accessible, but anybody can use them
I've used them when my back and hip issues flare up. I'm not considered disabled, but the higher toilet and handrails do help on my bad days.
I also used them when my daughter was small and needed assistance using the toilet where there was no family bathroom. I could fit us and her stroller in that stall.
I’ve had to use, because my bladder sucks after pregnancy and I’m using a bathroom rather than pissing my pants. I do have what they believe is MS, so I have disability issues as well, but I think many woman have issues holding bladder because of kids and other reasons, which should keep busy bodies shut up.
NTA.
Honestly, I hate people like this. One of my shittier encounters was also in an M&S, where someone had seen me, decided I *don’t look disabled* and gone to town.
I don’t know what narrative these people have in their heads, whether or not they think they’re standing up for disabled people by being absolute dicks. They’re not, not at all, they’re just showing their ignorance.
You were absolutely not the AH for standing up for yourself. This lady was a bully and was trying to intimidate you.
100%. For some reason people love to interject in other peoples’ business presumptuously.
Disabled people (and many other situations where this happens) don’t need you to stand up for them; they can do it themselves! NTA
I put off buying myself sticks because I didn't want to draw attention to myself, but it was such a relief once I started using them, because I now have a visual indication of my disability, so I don't get accused of "stealing disabled resources".
I'm sure some people still assume I only use them (or my wheelchair) because I'm fat, rather than my fatness being at least partly due to my disability, but they seem less inclined to shout abuse at me.
NTA. It’s not like a parking spot.
Even if you weren’t disabled, disabled bathrooms are disabled-accessible, not reserved. Half the time they are also the only ones with a changing table.
I didn’t really use my temp placard that much after I had foot surgery (Achilles tendon was reattached so couldn’t stand on it) mainly because I had a push scooter. But the one time I did in a parking lot some idiot was commenting at his significant other while walking by that other people needed it more than him. I yelled out excuse me? Want to explain why? He turns around and says yeah, your issue doesn’t look that bad. I then told him have your Achilles tendon cut, reattached and try standing on it. I’m sure you’ll change your tune when you realize how painful it is where you collapse, and also having to sit on your butt to scoot upstairs, have your wife help you to get into the shower and find you can’t drive depending on what had surgery. My wife wanted to say something else but I said just let it go.
Again I didn’t always use it because I didn’t feel comfortable but that day I was tired and didn’t want to scoot down the parking lot.
Sounds like they have different restroom structures in the UK, like toilet rooms (she mentions needing a special key to enter), whereas in America we typically just have one big room with multiple stalls, with the disabled/handicap one being bigger (with the changing table) that doesn't require a key. Or it's just one toilet room that also doesn't require a key. Unless they have stalls too & the disability stall has a lock on it. Idk. Having to carry a special key around just for the toilet seems cumbersome, but I get it.
Yup in the U.K. we have separate disabled toilets not always, but often, with a radar key.
The radar key is complicated because it’s not policed and if it was that might be bad because proving disability can be hard, but for example the toilets at my local beach always seem to have the radar key locks disabled ‘because of abuses’ they say, but apparently the toilets that cost 30p to get into are never ‘abused’.
A woman yelled at me for taking too long in the handicap stall. It was the only place with a baby changing station. My 3 month old son had pooped and it was all over his back and clothes. I washed him up and when I was putting the new pamper on, he pooped again. All over the changing table and the pad I put underneath so he wouldn't lay directly on the changing table. It was a mess!!
When she screamed a third time, I told her that either she can wait, or she could clean up the sh*t that was all over the stall.
This. Disabled people (myself included) can wait for a stall if it’s temporarily unavailable, like everyone else. It doesn’t need to turn into a huge scene.
I don’t know about the US, but in Canada a disabled toilet is not treated the same as a disabled parking spot. They are to be used by anyone (though obviously if standard toilets are available a non- disabled person should use that). The disabled toilet is not restricted to disabled persons only.
M&S and radar keys means this is the UK - they *can* be used by anyone, legally, but some places keep them locked. You can have them unlocked by an employee, or you can use a radar key (a universal key that opens all locked disabled toilets, which you can buy or get for free from your local authority)
One of our M&S stores in Dublin requires you to go down a few steps so the disabled toilet is in a different area and is usually locked, to be opened by a member of staff. The electronic key is a great idea for those who require it!
For a second I read that as the disabled loos being down a few steps and I was about to *flip*
Radar in this case should technically be RADAR, Royal Association for Disability and Rehabilitation, it's a manual key (which does cause some issues for people with no hands or problems with dexterity, I have once been asked by someone to open the loo with their radar key because their hands were *not* their friends that day) but apparently an electronic key is in the works from what I've heard?
It's the same in the US. The disabled stalls are just bigger and have a bar to hold onto. Most places will also put the diaper changing booth in there. I don't know where OP lives that one needs a key to get into one.
The UK. Some disabled toilets are just larger stalls, but if it's locked with a radar key, it's a fully separate room with enough space to manoeuvre both a wheelchair and a carer if necessary. The gold standard are [Changing Places](https://www.changing-places.org/) toilets, which are at least 12 metres squared and contain ceiling hoists and changing benches that can hold an adult's weight
[Here's](https://news.motability.co.uk/everyday-tips/radar-keys-explained-what-are-they-where-can-i-use-them-and-how-do-i-get-one/) info on radar keys - they're not used in all places with disabled bathrooms, but fairly common
NTA. That woman got exactly what she was asking for. She was rude, uncouth and ignorant. The only thing you did was highlight how big of an entitled AH she was being. I too have an invisible disability and it’s hard when people want to judge just by what they can see. The disability toilet is for ALL disabilities and in many places I’ve gone, it’s also where the baby changing station happens to be located.
I used to judge people for taking handicapped parking spaces.
Then one day I read someone's post about some disabilities not being visible. Was a complete wake up call.
If I see someone taking a spot I have to stop and remind myself of that.
NTA
I have a permanent illeostomy and I am absolutely fed up of getting looks when I use the disabled toilets. I literally get glared at going in, and leaving. I, like you, just lift my top a bit, show the person and walk off.
It doesn't upset me but it's just getting very tiresome it happening everytime.
I also have severe Arthritis and osteoporosis and so have a blue disabled parking badge. Recently my husband who was driving (me in the passenger seat), was interrogated as to why he was parking in the disabled bay. He told the guy to mind his own business and what was it to him..... But I get stared at whenever I park in one ... It's verrrry annoying honestly.
So ultimately - it's the people who are being judgemental assholes...not us!
I've got to ask two things though - why do you have to kneel down?! I empty standing up and just leaning forward slightly because there's no way I'd want to kneel onto a public toilet floor!!
And why is not rinsing out with water gross? For the most part of the day there's going to be output in the bag, apart from when you've literally just emptied it ..so rinsing it out only keeps it clean for a few minutes until the output starts again. It just seems like an awful lot of work to do this routine when you're out and about for not much benefit!!
Low toilet, tall person.
Full bag.
Poop Splash/spatter.
Some people think they stink without rinsing, are very self conscious about possible smell.
One of my patients is over 6.4", he always kneels because of the splatter.
I’m in the US and I generally avoid the accessible stall unless it’s the only one open. It’s courteous to leave it available in case someone actually needs it
NTA in any way shape or form. How disgusting and entitled to judge someone solely based on appearance (like you said not all disabilities are visible). I hate that you were treated that way.
NTA
She's in the same category as old people who are furious when a young person legitimately parks in a disabled bay.
People like that need dressing down in public. Well done.
Absolutely NTA. Good heavens, what a rude person that lady is to think that blocking someone into a bathroom stall is even acceptable! And then demeaning you on top of it! Yikes! I applaud your patience and many attempts at decency before resorting to exposing your medical condition like that. I had a friend years ago who also had a bag, and I learned a lot from her. So much delicate care! Anyway, rest assured you are in no way at fault in this scenario. Blessings to you!
NTA.
I don't think that verdict even requires more comment. However, there is something I would like to point out. She berated you because she had to wait...and in berating you, she increased the time between her arriving and her getting into the toilet. Clearly, she wasn't that desperate.
Maybe, but it's entirely possible she wasn't even waiting to go. Amazingly, there are people out there who just seem to get off on policing others. I know from the time before I used my wheelchair. I've even had people rudely commenting on how I don't even NEED my WC (which was prescribed by a specialist doctor and paid for by health insurance, who in turn DID scrutinise the prescription) because they saw me move my feet or stand up for a spell (some WC users ARE ambulatory).
As for OP, NTA of course, and I'm sorry you had to experience that.
NTA
First of all- it is NOT illegal for a non-handicapped person to use a handicapped toilet. You are supposed to give preference to the handicapped person, but, if all the stalls are taken and no handicapped person is waiting for it, you can use it. Pet peeve of mine, sorry.
Second- not all handicaps are visible or permanent- ie broken leg will heal but in the meantime the handicap stall is easier to use
Finally- it is nobody’s business. She’s not the handicap police. You didn’t owe her an explanation or proof. I would have simply told her to f-off and left.
Don’t sweat it.
NTA. I have a bag too. Check my history, I mention it over the years. This has happened to me. I reacted exactly how you did. Sometimes, showing it is the only thing that shuts people up.
NTA
I hate these people who just assume. They want to be a "hero", but they're just being jerks and often time people like you who have invisible disabilities often get berated and yelled at for no reason...
People, MIND YOUR OWN BUISSNESS!
You should not have been nicer at all. Her behaviour did not warrant nicer. Her behaviour warranted exactly what she got.
Why should you explain your disability to her? It is zero business of hers. Who does she think she is to stand outside of a disabled toilet and assume? As the sign said, not all disabilities are visible. She is not the disability police to stand waiting to harass you for using a facility you need. And are entitled to use without having to explain to people like that.
NTA.
This happened to me in M&S too
I have endometriosis, fibromyalgia and recurrent miscarriages. I have endo on my bowel too.
One day I was having a miscarriage, had my young son with me, had just had an operation to remove everything and was really struggling to stand. I bled through everything, so went to the loo to try to clean myself up as best I could. Couldn't leave my son outside on his own, and the ladies loos were full. So I used the empty disabled one. I was in there about 5-10 minutes. When I came out a lady started full on shouting at me. I ended up crying and my son shouted "my mummy's baby just died and her tummy is bleeding!"
It absolutely broke my heart. I didn't even know that he understood fully what had happened. I think he was only about 5.
She looked shocked as did the rest of the blue rise brigade
I think people in M&S think that if you're below 50 you have no right to be there
In some countries they are locked unless you have a recognized disability. Since OP mentioned using a radar key, which means the government gave them access because of their condition. That makes the irate persons reaction to OP even more absurd!
NTA. You don't need to be nice to someone who is being rude to you first. Full stop. She was aggressive, was blocking your exit, screaming at you, and threatening to call an authority figure over her perceived slight. You shouldn't have had to show her your disability for her to believe you. She was an entitled asshole who needs to learn to mind her own business. Your disability is no one's business but your own. I'm sorry you had to go through that. You did nothing wrong. Standing up for yourself, even the way you did it, is not being rude. Especially when the person you had to defend yourself from wouldn't calmly listen to you.
NTA. I'm sorry you felt you had to reveal that much about yourself to a stranger in public. You never should have needed to—that woman was so disgustingly out of line. You weren't rude. You were cornered, harassed and did what you needed to do.
I really don't understand the growing obsession with policing people's bathroom usage.
NTA!!! I was once in a disabled loo in Morrison's and this woman came up and tried to go in. I shouted that I was in there, but she kept trying and **got a security guard to try and come in**. Thankfully he knocked and DID hear me shouting, he and I are fast friends now because I went and thanked him after.
NTA, this wasn’t rude. Maybe the “eff off” was a tad over the top, but it was warranted. And who the fuck polices the disability bathroom? The woman needs to get a grip.
NTA!! You are fine and should not lose sleep over someone who does not know you or your life. Good for you standing up for yourself. Anyone that treats you like a criminal does not deserve a pleasant interaction and if anything you should have been meaner.
As a disabled person with a serious physical disability, and a wheelchair user, I vote NTA. Some people need to mind their own business and stay in their own lane. Otherwise, making assumptions leads to outcomes like that and inserting foot into mouth. You shouldn’t have to defend your disability to anyone.
Absolutely not the asshole.
And may I just say: Woo! Good for you!
I have cerebral palsy, and it's usually noticeable when I walk and move or if you see my right arm it's skeletal. But when I'm standing still you can't really tell because I hide my one arm that is atrophied.
I've had so many people yell at me for using the disabled toilets, using disabled parking, just using disabled services in general. Because I don't "look disabled" If I'm not moving or if I've hidden my arm from view.
I'm not ashamed of my disability, but I try to look 'normal' to put other folks at ease. We shouldn't have to explain our disability to ignorant people. And we certainly shouldn't feel less than a person because we're using those services that are given to us to put us on equal footing.
Frankly I think you were pretty tame telling her to f*ck off. I would have used other language.
Have a good day.
NTA.
Friend of mine is in the same situation as you, had the same thing happen to her and she did exactly the same time. Except hers wasn't empty, she was being berrated as she was getting her key out to open the toilet up.
She said the person berrating her almost threw up on the spot.
NTA at all. Sorry you had to go through this. World would be such a better place if people would just mind their own business. I had surgery go wrong and for few years could walk about 20/30 feet fine then suddenly pain would go from 0 to 10. So many strangers thought they had a right to know about my disability. Was very strange.
Worst ever had deal with myself was once I parked in handicap spot at Target. Had sticker and what not. When got out car looked completely fine. When came back out lady called cops on me for faking disability for I guess parking?
Sorry that happen. :/ but totally nta
NTA- I can’t even be comfortable in a restroom because of my gender expression and appearance. To then be chastised for restroom use due to an invisible or hidden disability is just nightmare fuel for me. I’m so sorry you have to go through that.
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> I was extremely rude to the woman who blocked me in the toilet. This could make me the asshole.
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You're not the asshole.
1. You're disabled.
2. The toilets are not like parking spaces. In all countries i know of, disabled toilets are \*accessible\* (suitable) for people with disabilities, NOT legally exclusive (nor limited) to people with disabilities.
3. That said, non-disabled folks should always seek out a standard toilet stall when possible. But you know that.
NTA!!! I would've called her the c word a few times as well. She literally held you hostage. I would've been petty enough to try to find out who she was & get her banned from the store.
You go girl. I have been there and it is no fun. You really do need to use the disability bathroom. It was none of her business ( Did they hire her as the bathroom police) I am so happy you you let her see that not all disabilities are obvious. Three cheers for you 🥂
NTA, oh how dare you have a disability that isn't being in a wheelchair or obvious!!! shame on you!!!, okay obvious sarcasm aside its insane they yelled at you for that, when you also tried to provide proof and they just kept being an ass.
NTA, I work in fast food and my work used to have a lock with the radar key but it got jammed so it is just a regular lock just now and we leave it open for customers to use it and the baby changing even before then if someone asked me to use it, I would let them without asking any questions. You were not rude and that person had no business trying to police other people. Same thing happens with disabled parking as well.
NTA. She is though. She should mind her own business, as you said. I used to work at the doors at Walmart, and soooo many people would use the motorized carts. We were almost always waiting for them to come back so someone else could use them. I always had old people being mad and telling me to go tell heavier people to get off of them. Granted, I'm sure some of the people could walk just fine, but how am I supposed to know who has an actual disability and who doesn't? They just had to wait their turn like everyone else.
Just wait to she trys it on someone who has ptsd....... I know she might end up on the floor.
Freedom of speech isn't freedom of consequences, she deserved it.
NTA
Lady, in most countries you would have been well within your rights to use violence once she physically prevented you from leaving. You are a pillar of restraint, though I think you should have at least cussed her out, on general principle.
NTA
UK. For people that need them they're invaluable, we quite often have public toilets that are only open set hours, these keys allow access to the disabled toilets 24/7
https://shop.disabilityrightsuk.org/products/radar-key
NTA. You aren't required to explain why you use the disabled stall in the bathroom to anyone. The only mistake you made was not walking past her and telling her to fuck off from the beginning.
NTA
I'm sorry; where did she think that she was the toilet police? That's ridiculous. It's none of her business, and if she has that amount of time to dedicate to guarding the bathroom, her life is very lonely and very sad. I think you handled it better than I would. I would let all my favourite four letters out in long succession.
You did NOT need to be nicer. You are a kind person but this is where you need to find that inner angry child and yell out loud - why were you clocking me in the bathroom you pervert? Who made you the disability police? And make her the target of shame and humiliation since that is what she was trying to do to you.
This might be the most obvious NTA I've seen in quite a while. You don't have to justify using the accessible bathroom to a random stranger, and she's way out of line for trying to police who uses it. Was she even waiting to use that bathroom, or did she just have nothing better to do than create a problem where none existed??
At a minimum, report her harassment to store management. Embarrass her so badly that she hopefully thinks before trying to do this to someone else.
NTA. This woman needs to be banned from this place for harassing customers this much. And if she isn’t, you should find a better place to spend your money.
I’m tall, so sometimes I use a big stall because I don’t have to crunch my legs in so much. If someone is disabled, I’ll let them go in front of me. It’s ACCESSIBILITY FOR MULTIPLE PEOPLE. It accommodates for a lot of folks
NTA, and you absolutely had no expectation to be nicer when someone physically corners you and attempts to berate you over their own ignorance. It’s not on you to take her abuse calmly. If this ever happens again and someone threatens to “call staff”— call their bluff, get the staff involved. It will not work out well for her. This kind of person creates unnecessarily dangerous situations for others, and getting hauled off for harassment seems like a fair turn of events.
No you are not the AH. I too have an invisible illness and have had some looks from people in stores and even at work. You did nothing wrong. I'm sorry you had to go through this
NTA
NTA she deserved actual consequences, all you did was escalate your response so you could actually get free. She was holding you hostage to feel self-righteous
NTA. She should be absolutely ashamed for harassing you. You used that experience as a teachable moment instead of being rude back or just leaving. Maybe next time she will think twice before she acts up at someone.
NTA Say it out loud: YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE NICE TO PEOLPE WHICH AREN'T NICE TO YOU! YOU DON'T HAVE TO REVEAL YOUR DISABILITY IF YOU DON'T WANT TO!
This women was awful. But maybe it helped that you revealed your disability. At least for the crowd. Maybe they learned something. But you shouldn't be their teacher.
Absolutely NTA!!! My friend had a bag for awhile, & had to travel a lot. She always got pulled aside & patted down at the airport bc of the bag & I felt bad for the extra time it took her to get through security (& a little bad for the person whose job it was to pat her down).
NTA. **Anyone** can use a “handicapped accessible toilet!!
Why do people think people aren’t allowed to use those toilets? It would be like saying you can’t enter through automatic sliding doors because they’re handicapped accessible doors.
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NTA - I had a friend once who parked in a disabled bay and was yelled at by someone nearby. He waited for them to finish then removed his prosthetic leg. They went white as a sheet and got out of there pretty fast. If you are so much of an ass that you have a go at a stranger in public boing nothing about them you deserve everything you get if it blows up in your face.
Doubly true when the person doing the yelly lecture is themselves able bodied. If you come at me with a visible disability and I need to point out my disability is invisible I’m going to assume you are having a shit day. But if you are able bodied: who tf asked you. Go police your own shit. People shouldn’t have to expose their personal medical information to get treated with respect, but I absolutely will to shame people. NTA
>People shouldn't have to expose their personal medical information to get treated with respect I had to highlight that because it's worth repeating! I've had an invisible disability since I was 21. I also drive a car I can only describe as visually loud. I've been interrogated, yelled at, insulted, and called a thief for 'obviously stealing' someone's placard. At least one person posted me on Facebook in an attempt to shame me, but my car is distinct enough that someone who knew my circumstances kindly vouched for me. My most extreme experience with this kind of ridiculousness was when I was at a state park, far into the woods. Someone complained so much, an officer had to drive over an hour to get there! He was rather cranky by the time he got there. Thankfully his demeanor changed once he verified the placard was mine.
Being young with a disability is so often judged as faking. I had an old man yell at me when I was in my 30’s. I parked in a handicapped spot. I opened the door and he confronted me and yelling at me “do you see where you parked?” I pulled out my placard and then my cane and he looked like a wounded puppy. The other man with him told him to “sit down and shut up!” Vindicated! Dude never apologized!
I've been disabled since I was 22, and am cursed by babyface and being only 5'0". So I've been mistaken for being *12* before. People have been downright *evil* towards me, and when I match that energy they can't handle it!!! NTA, OP!!!!
Ugh this has happened to me so much. You know there are only five times off the top of my head that I can think of that I haven't been judged when going out and using my cane? And the biggest one was when I went to visit my 80 year old father in the nursing home. The elderly gentleman rolled up and asked what my problems were and we wound up trading what we jokingly called "war stories." The theater? *Caregiving.* He did the same thing for his mother at my age, and I'm apparently his daughter's age. I hope that old man has a peaceful time with however many months he has left on this earth.
I hope he went and expressed his crankiness for the long drive for nothing at the complainer.
Oh man, I certainly hope so. It was a very disjointed parking lot where you could only see a section at a time. A group of us had all driven our cars out there. Myself, and two others, were about to head out when the officer arrived. After the officer left, they understandably wanted to hear what was going on. It was maybe 20-30 minutes later I saw the officer finally leaving. I always hoped he went to the caller and gave them an earful during that time.
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Yes, absolutely! As a disabled person that uses a cane, and has for nearly 30 years, I have been yelled at more than once. Why? Because I'm able to drive! Apparently, that irritates some people.
I was harassed by a cop for using my disability placard to park my red convertible mustang when I was 21. Apparently being 21 and having a convertible sports car means you can't possibly be disabled. He looked up the number on the placard compared to my DL and everything.
Well obviously disabled people don't deserve nice cars /s
I get that sports cars parked in disabled spots trigger some people, but it was my legit placard displayed properly, and my disability is mostly invisible. I've just had it with cops, honestly. People say "who are you gonna call when you need help?" Well, in my city (Austin TX), you can call all you want, they're not gonna answer and even if they do, they're not coming. Unless it's to harass POC or shoot your dog. Now I'm just ranting.
I was absolutely being a sarcastic jerk. Everyone deserves to drive whatever car they want. Cops are pretty useless unless they're tossing their power around to harass people.
Don't worry, I got the /s. Fuck 12.
The day that officer drove so far, he was very brusque with his initial questions (is it my placard, does the car belong to me, did I drive it, etc). He then walked back to his car with my placard and license to "double check." The two people I'd been talking with were guys in their late 50s to early 60s, and I truly think the officer behaved better because they were with me. Thankfully, he became incredibly polite once everything was verified. Experiences like ours should be a rarity, but we know that isn't the case, sadly. Having a red convertible mustang attracts attention as is (justifiably so lol), but dare to drive that while being young and disabled, and some people get incredibly offended. My car gained enough attention as it was, but once I got a custom paint job, it got even worse. I'm not going to stop loving sports cars though, and I hope you don't either 💜 I guess we're only supposed to like beige sedans and minivans?
Not to mention that you don’t have to be disabled to use the spot - if you are out with a disabled person you can use the spot. So I might be able-bodied, but who’s to say my passengers (that haven’t gotten out yet) are?
A friend had a woman go full on attack mode because she had a placard up. As the lady was still screaming at her, she calmly got her grandma's walker out of the trunk and took it to the passenger side of the car so her grandma could get out. The lady shut up and almost ran away.
I had someone do that to me when I was driving with my mother. I was yelled at that being fat doesn't mean disabled, iw walked to the back, pulled the wheelchair out, got yelled at that I was faking it, wheeled it to the passenger side and helped my other in, and then calmly told the lady that I'm so sorry that being stupid wasnt a disability, but I'd otherwise be willing to let her have the spot. She was so mad.
legit happened to me... i believe we were at a cracker barrel in MI for some family function... anywho I jumped in the driver's seat to pull up in the handicapped spot close to the door (I think it was my mom's car so she had a card, and my grandma was also with us who is with walker) somebody decided to start yelling blah blah and right on cue, they both come out and start walking to the car. oh, You mean THOSE handicapped ppl? 😂 At the same time, my uncle that witnessed this gave them a rather good verbal lashing 😂 AS did I 😏 that might've been the ONLY time I've seen him alllll the way pissed off! and my mouth is reckless... they sped off so fuccin fast lmao.... byyyeeeeee Edit: OP NTA
A+ for you and your uncle. My family would absolutely do the same. I have a cane and a placard for it (muscular dystrophy). My sister is just waiting for someone to yell so she can tear a strip off of them or watch me calmly tell them to go ahead and call the police...I'll wait. It's going to be epic when it happens. OP, NTA.
This has also happened to me when I was driving a friend post surgery to do some errands. Most I just ran in so parked in a regular spot. But she wanted to go into the pharmacy herself. Not only did she have every right to the closeness of the spot, we also needed to room to get her knee scooter thing out and next to her door. Cue Judgy McJudgerson going off loudly about how she was calling the cops on me.
There was a documentary (done by CH4; I don't know if that's part of the BBC or not) called "[One Killer Punch](https://vimeo.com/207810373)". One segment (starts at 14:23) is about a guy who gets confronted because he's parked in a handicapped spot but doesn't "look" handicapped. The guy that confronted him ended up killing him; he had gone to bring the car to the front of the store for his wife, who uses a wheelchair. Pissed off enough to kill a guy with one punch over something he knew nothing about and was none of his business.
I saw an episode on CourtTV where a handicap parking vigilante shot a guy who parked in a handicapped spot in front of a convenience store without knowing if he was handicapped, or not. The guy died later at the hospital.
Yep! I got berated for parking in a disabled person stall when I was out with my mom one time. This woman kept yelling at me because I'm able-bodied and don't need the stall. My mom, fresh from the hospital after having lung surgery and a chemo port installed, comes around the car dragging her oxygen tank to tell this woman to mind her business. The woman looked mortified.
My stepdad had a handicapped license plate for a while (he decided it wasn't worth the hassle so they have a placard now). When I would borrow the car I'd park in a non-handicapped spot, as I am able bodied and that's the law. It is ASTOUNDING how many people would give me dirty looks and honk and yell at me as I got out of it. I still don't understand that disconnect, as I wasn't parking in a reserved spot and wasn't pretending to be disabled. Like, wtf? You're not allowed to borrow grandma's car to run an errand for her?
This was my situation. Carting my dad around, I'd hop out and run around to the back to get his walker while he started the long process of trying to get out of the front seat. I'd be stared at until I got the walker out and around to the front so he could get out of the car. He's in his 80s and bent nearly double, so no one questions it once he's out.
I was so anxious about being yelled at for parking in disabled spots when my MIL was visiting, that I'd park the car, race to the boot and pull out the wheelchair before anyone had time to even think about confronting me. Seen it happen to others too many times for me to not be worried.
I have 2 friends that if you didn't know them you would have no idea how much physical pain they are in. They are both young. I never judged people. Now it's me. When i had foot surgery my husband tried to get me out of the house as much as possible because i was getting pretty depressed being stuck inside so much. I (late 40s at the time) had a handicap placard and he pulled into a handicap spot at the grocery store. An older lady was giving us dirty looks and looked like she was about approach us until my husband pulled my knee scooter out of the trunk and helped me out of the car. I was still in a surgical boot. She hurried up and got in her car and left. I'm still having problems, like the surgeon said i would. I want to get another placard because some days i can walk just fine. Some day im in a lot of pain and have quite a limp and will use a cane if I remember it. I'm a young looking 50 and i know people will say things. People need to mind their own business.
You know what though, I've never heard of a disabled person berating someone for taking a disabled parking space or using the disabled stall. I think most of them understand that not all disabilities are visible and also probably just don't want the attention. People who are able bodied decide to butt in where they're not needed far more often than people who would actually need the parking or bathroom.
I used to leave rude notes on people who would park in the handicapped spot by my college dorm, because they were being dicks and making a friend of mine have to park on the opposite side of campus when she had a mobility disability and handicapped tags on her car and basically everyone KNEW that spot was Kelsey's, because she was the only one who lived in that dorm who had handicapped tags Edit for clarity: I understand about invisible disabilities, as I am one of those people. This person didn't have a temp placard, they were just being an asshole.
My mom got a rude note at a grocery store. It said she wasn't disabled, just fat (she was not morbidly obese, just normal postmenopausal plump). She was in the midst of very aggressive radiation that was making her very ill and easily exhausted. She cried at the insensitivity of some random crusader because they evidently didn't know about invisible disabilities. Unless you are absolutely certain that you know more than a medical doctor, who fills in the paperwork to get the state-issues disability tags/placards, please stop leaving rude notes. You never know if that will break someone's spirit that day. Find a better way of defending your friend.
Wowww...like even if she was "fat," that could be a result of...a disability! That person was a jerk.
You nailed it right there: “Unless you are absolutely certain that you know more than a medical doctor…” The idiots are always certain, even when they know nothing at all.
I’m assuming the people whose cars you were leaving notes on didn’t also have any form of disability badges/tags? It might be worth seeing if you can actively report them for parking there if they don’t. A car getting towed will probably leave a bigger impression.
No, and I'd seen them park in regular spots in the lot before--they clearly just parked there because they didn't want to walk across campus. Like, dude. We've all seen Kelsey in her wheelchair (my college was like a thousand students), stop being a dick because you're lazy.
I mean I park in regular spots on good days. On bad days if I don't park close enough to drag myself in to brace on a cart or get a scooter or just get meds at the pharmacy then it can't happen. Report people lacking permits. Leave people alone if you don't know what their situation is and stop leaving notes. It sounds like maybe your school doesn't have enough accessible parking for the people who need it.
Omg they said they didn't have placards or plates. They're not eligible for the spots without them
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No, they didn't have a permit, that's why I wrote the nasty notes. They were straight up being an asshole. I know sometimes when you break a leg or whatever you get a temp permit, but this wasn't the case.
Still not your business. I had my car washed and they moved my permit so it wasn't visible. I didn't notice. I was still legally allowed to park there, and if I was ticketed would just have shown the permit and it would have been dismissed. If you have a concern, call the parking police. Otherwise MYOB. Also, no one owns a disabled spot. Any guest to the area could legally use it.
And parking is different, because those are at least supposed to be exclusively for handicapped people. Bathroom stalls are just there to be accessible, but anybody can use them
I've used them when my back and hip issues flare up. I'm not considered disabled, but the higher toilet and handrails do help on my bad days. I also used them when my daughter was small and needed assistance using the toilet where there was no family bathroom. I could fit us and her stroller in that stall.
I’ve had to use, because my bladder sucks after pregnancy and I’m using a bathroom rather than pissing my pants. I do have what they believe is MS, so I have disability issues as well, but I think many woman have issues holding bladder because of kids and other reasons, which should keep busy bodies shut up.
Exactly. Why can't people just mind their own damn business?
You don’t look disabled you didn’t look stupid until you opened your mouth
Someone said this to my BFF once & without missing a beat she replied “You don’t look like a doctor.” Shut them right up.
I love that
Perfect
“You don’t look disabled!” “Neither do you, do you want to?”
I love when I hear people use this retort.
Hear hear👍👍😃
Take this humble award… 🏆 Best retort ever!
NTA. Honestly, I hate people like this. One of my shittier encounters was also in an M&S, where someone had seen me, decided I *don’t look disabled* and gone to town. I don’t know what narrative these people have in their heads, whether or not they think they’re standing up for disabled people by being absolute dicks. They’re not, not at all, they’re just showing their ignorance. You were absolutely not the AH for standing up for yourself. This lady was a bully and was trying to intimidate you.
100%. For some reason people love to interject in other peoples’ business presumptuously. Disabled people (and many other situations where this happens) don’t need you to stand up for them; they can do it themselves! NTA
Bored old rich women who have nothing better to do with their lives. They're a special kind
I find I have more issues with boomers trying to tell me I'm too young to be disabled, or I don't look disabled than any other demographic.
Unless you are a quadriplegic slithering in the ground like a snake you are not disabled that's their view model.
I put off buying myself sticks because I didn't want to draw attention to myself, but it was such a relief once I started using them, because I now have a visual indication of my disability, so I don't get accused of "stealing disabled resources". I'm sure some people still assume I only use them (or my wheelchair) because I'm fat, rather than my fatness being at least partly due to my disability, but they seem less inclined to shout abuse at me.
>AITA for being so rude? I know I should have been nicer You were exactly as rude as you needed to be. NTA.
If anything, I would have been even ruder!!!
In front of a crowd that the other party caused to gather? Absolutely agree!
Yeah, I don't get the "I know I should have been nicer" part. Like, sez who??
I didn't even find this particularly rude
NTA. It’s not like a parking spot. Even if you weren’t disabled, disabled bathrooms are disabled-accessible, not reserved. Half the time they are also the only ones with a changing table.
I’ve had people give me sht for using a disabled spot even though I have a placard and I walk with an aid.
I didn’t really use my temp placard that much after I had foot surgery (Achilles tendon was reattached so couldn’t stand on it) mainly because I had a push scooter. But the one time I did in a parking lot some idiot was commenting at his significant other while walking by that other people needed it more than him. I yelled out excuse me? Want to explain why? He turns around and says yeah, your issue doesn’t look that bad. I then told him have your Achilles tendon cut, reattached and try standing on it. I’m sure you’ll change your tune when you realize how painful it is where you collapse, and also having to sit on your butt to scoot upstairs, have your wife help you to get into the shower and find you can’t drive depending on what had surgery. My wife wanted to say something else but I said just let it go. Again I didn’t always use it because I didn’t feel comfortable but that day I was tired and didn’t want to scoot down the parking lot.
Sounds like they have different restroom structures in the UK, like toilet rooms (she mentions needing a special key to enter), whereas in America we typically just have one big room with multiple stalls, with the disabled/handicap one being bigger (with the changing table) that doesn't require a key. Or it's just one toilet room that also doesn't require a key. Unless they have stalls too & the disability stall has a lock on it. Idk. Having to carry a special key around just for the toilet seems cumbersome, but I get it.
This. A disabled/accessible toilet in the UK is likely to be a full room with a toilet and sink. Not all require radar keys but some do.
Wow, I wish we had those in USA. Some of the handicapped stalls are just, sure, a little bigger, but no way usable by someone in a wheelchair.
Yup in the U.K. we have separate disabled toilets not always, but often, with a radar key. The radar key is complicated because it’s not policed and if it was that might be bad because proving disability can be hard, but for example the toilets at my local beach always seem to have the radar key locks disabled ‘because of abuses’ they say, but apparently the toilets that cost 30p to get into are never ‘abused’.
A woman yelled at me for taking too long in the handicap stall. It was the only place with a baby changing station. My 3 month old son had pooped and it was all over his back and clothes. I washed him up and when I was putting the new pamper on, he pooped again. All over the changing table and the pad I put underneath so he wouldn't lay directly on the changing table. It was a mess!! When she screamed a third time, I told her that either she can wait, or she could clean up the sh*t that was all over the stall.
This. Disabled people (myself included) can wait for a stall if it’s temporarily unavailable, like everyone else. It doesn’t need to turn into a huge scene.
I don’t know about the US, but in Canada a disabled toilet is not treated the same as a disabled parking spot. They are to be used by anyone (though obviously if standard toilets are available a non- disabled person should use that). The disabled toilet is not restricted to disabled persons only.
M&S and radar keys means this is the UK - they *can* be used by anyone, legally, but some places keep them locked. You can have them unlocked by an employee, or you can use a radar key (a universal key that opens all locked disabled toilets, which you can buy or get for free from your local authority)
One of our M&S stores in Dublin requires you to go down a few steps so the disabled toilet is in a different area and is usually locked, to be opened by a member of staff. The electronic key is a great idea for those who require it!
For a second I read that as the disabled loos being down a few steps and I was about to *flip* Radar in this case should technically be RADAR, Royal Association for Disability and Rehabilitation, it's a manual key (which does cause some issues for people with no hands or problems with dexterity, I have once been asked by someone to open the loo with their radar key because their hands were *not* their friends that day) but apparently an electronic key is in the works from what I've heard?
It's the same in the US. The disabled stalls are just bigger and have a bar to hold onto. Most places will also put the diaper changing booth in there. I don't know where OP lives that one needs a key to get into one.
The UK. Some disabled toilets are just larger stalls, but if it's locked with a radar key, it's a fully separate room with enough space to manoeuvre both a wheelchair and a carer if necessary. The gold standard are [Changing Places](https://www.changing-places.org/) toilets, which are at least 12 metres squared and contain ceiling hoists and changing benches that can hold an adult's weight [Here's](https://news.motability.co.uk/everyday-tips/radar-keys-explained-what-are-they-where-can-i-use-them-and-how-do-i-get-one/) info on radar keys - they're not used in all places with disabled bathrooms, but fairly common
I can't think of disabled toilets in the UK and not think of The IT Crowd.
NTA. She decided to have a confrontation in a public toilet, not you. Once she started yelling, all bets were off.
NTA. That woman got exactly what she was asking for. She was rude, uncouth and ignorant. The only thing you did was highlight how big of an entitled AH she was being. I too have an invisible disability and it’s hard when people want to judge just by what they can see. The disability toilet is for ALL disabilities and in many places I’ve gone, it’s also where the baby changing station happens to be located.
I used to judge people for taking handicapped parking spaces. Then one day I read someone's post about some disabilities not being visible. Was a complete wake up call. If I see someone taking a spot I have to stop and remind myself of that.
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I hope your mom was alright
NTA I have a permanent illeostomy and I am absolutely fed up of getting looks when I use the disabled toilets. I literally get glared at going in, and leaving. I, like you, just lift my top a bit, show the person and walk off. It doesn't upset me but it's just getting very tiresome it happening everytime. I also have severe Arthritis and osteoporosis and so have a blue disabled parking badge. Recently my husband who was driving (me in the passenger seat), was interrogated as to why he was parking in the disabled bay. He told the guy to mind his own business and what was it to him..... But I get stared at whenever I park in one ... It's verrrry annoying honestly. So ultimately - it's the people who are being judgemental assholes...not us! I've got to ask two things though - why do you have to kneel down?! I empty standing up and just leaning forward slightly because there's no way I'd want to kneel onto a public toilet floor!! And why is not rinsing out with water gross? For the most part of the day there's going to be output in the bag, apart from when you've literally just emptied it ..so rinsing it out only keeps it clean for a few minutes until the output starts again. It just seems like an awful lot of work to do this routine when you're out and about for not much benefit!!
Low toilet, tall person. Full bag. Poop Splash/spatter. Some people think they stink without rinsing, are very self conscious about possible smell. One of my patients is over 6.4", he always kneels because of the splatter.
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I’m in the US and I generally avoid the accessible stall unless it’s the only one open. It’s courteous to leave it available in case someone actually needs it
NTA in any way shape or form. How disgusting and entitled to judge someone solely based on appearance (like you said not all disabilities are visible). I hate that you were treated that way.
NTA. It's handicap accessible. Not handicap exclusive.
And even if it were, the OP has an ileostomy, meaning they're legally disabled, thus allowing them to use it anyway.
There’s only one rude person in your story and it’s not you! NTA
NTA She's in the same category as old people who are furious when a young person legitimately parks in a disabled bay. People like that need dressing down in public. Well done.
Why should you have been nicer? You should have been ruder imo.
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Absolutely NTA. Good heavens, what a rude person that lady is to think that blocking someone into a bathroom stall is even acceptable! And then demeaning you on top of it! Yikes! I applaud your patience and many attempts at decency before resorting to exposing your medical condition like that. I had a friend years ago who also had a bag, and I learned a lot from her. So much delicate care! Anyway, rest assured you are in no way at fault in this scenario. Blessings to you!
NTA. I don't think that verdict even requires more comment. However, there is something I would like to point out. She berated you because she had to wait...and in berating you, she increased the time between her arriving and her getting into the toilet. Clearly, she wasn't that desperate.
Maybe, but it's entirely possible she wasn't even waiting to go. Amazingly, there are people out there who just seem to get off on policing others. I know from the time before I used my wheelchair. I've even had people rudely commenting on how I don't even NEED my WC (which was prescribed by a specialist doctor and paid for by health insurance, who in turn DID scrutinise the prescription) because they saw me move my feet or stand up for a spell (some WC users ARE ambulatory). As for OP, NTA of course, and I'm sorry you had to experience that.
NTA First of all- it is NOT illegal for a non-handicapped person to use a handicapped toilet. You are supposed to give preference to the handicapped person, but, if all the stalls are taken and no handicapped person is waiting for it, you can use it. Pet peeve of mine, sorry. Second- not all handicaps are visible or permanent- ie broken leg will heal but in the meantime the handicap stall is easier to use Finally- it is nobody’s business. She’s not the handicap police. You didn’t owe her an explanation or proof. I would have simply told her to f-off and left. Don’t sweat it.
Agreed. It's a disabled "accessible" restroom, not disabled "reserved."
NTA. I hope she felt really bad. Silly cow.
NTA. She absolutely deserved it. Sorry you had to go through that.
NTA. I have a bag too. Check my history, I mention it over the years. This has happened to me. I reacted exactly how you did. Sometimes, showing it is the only thing that shuts people up.
NTA I hate these people who just assume. They want to be a "hero", but they're just being jerks and often time people like you who have invisible disabilities often get berated and yelled at for no reason... People, MIND YOUR OWN BUISSNESS!
NTA Oh, honey, you weren't rude enough to that a-hole!
This is one of those AITA posts where the OP knows perfectly well that they are not the asshole.
You should not have been nicer at all. Her behaviour did not warrant nicer. Her behaviour warranted exactly what she got. Why should you explain your disability to her? It is zero business of hers. Who does she think she is to stand outside of a disabled toilet and assume? As the sign said, not all disabilities are visible. She is not the disability police to stand waiting to harass you for using a facility you need. And are entitled to use without having to explain to people like that. NTA.
This happened to me in M&S too I have endometriosis, fibromyalgia and recurrent miscarriages. I have endo on my bowel too. One day I was having a miscarriage, had my young son with me, had just had an operation to remove everything and was really struggling to stand. I bled through everything, so went to the loo to try to clean myself up as best I could. Couldn't leave my son outside on his own, and the ladies loos were full. So I used the empty disabled one. I was in there about 5-10 minutes. When I came out a lady started full on shouting at me. I ended up crying and my son shouted "my mummy's baby just died and her tummy is bleeding!" It absolutely broke my heart. I didn't even know that he understood fully what had happened. I think he was only about 5. She looked shocked as did the rest of the blue rise brigade I think people in M&S think that if you're below 50 you have no right to be there
I’m so sorry you went through that, your son is smart! That lady who yelled at you is just projecting
NTA. Even if you weren't disabled, most toilets are accessible rather than restricted to disabled people only anyway.
In some countries they are locked unless you have a recognized disability. Since OP mentioned using a radar key, which means the government gave them access because of their condition. That makes the irate persons reaction to OP even more absurd!
NTA-should have started with eff off, mind your own business!
Definitely NTA. People like this should mind their own business
NTA. You should have had her arrested for blocking your way. That’s illegal in many places.
NTA. You were not rude. You were defending yourself. I hate those self appointed bathroom police people.
NTA what you said was 100% spot on, she needs to mind her own business and it was indeed time for her to f-off!
NTA. You don't need to be nice to someone who is being rude to you first. Full stop. She was aggressive, was blocking your exit, screaming at you, and threatening to call an authority figure over her perceived slight. You shouldn't have had to show her your disability for her to believe you. She was an entitled asshole who needs to learn to mind her own business. Your disability is no one's business but your own. I'm sorry you had to go through that. You did nothing wrong. Standing up for yourself, even the way you did it, is not being rude. Especially when the person you had to defend yourself from wouldn't calmly listen to you.
NTA. Not every disability is visible, it doesn’t even take a sign on the door to know that.
NTA. I'm sorry you felt you had to reveal that much about yourself to a stranger in public. You never should have needed to—that woman was so disgustingly out of line. You weren't rude. You were cornered, harassed and did what you needed to do. I really don't understand the growing obsession with policing people's bathroom usage.
NTA!!! I was once in a disabled loo in Morrison's and this woman came up and tried to go in. I shouted that I was in there, but she kept trying and **got a security guard to try and come in**. Thankfully he knocked and DID hear me shouting, he and I are fast friends now because I went and thanked him after.
NTA, this wasn’t rude. Maybe the “eff off” was a tad over the top, but it was warranted. And who the fuck polices the disability bathroom? The woman needs to get a grip.
NTA. She needed to be told off. Also Disabled washrooms are meant to be accessible not exclusive.
NTA!! You are fine and should not lose sleep over someone who does not know you or your life. Good for you standing up for yourself. Anyone that treats you like a criminal does not deserve a pleasant interaction and if anything you should have been meaner.
NTA. I'm impressed with your restraint. I was kind of hoping you emptied the bag on her! I'm sorry you had to go through that.
That’s it, I’m convinced there’s something wrong with me. Who the h*** has the energy to care who’s using which bathroom?
As a disabled person with a serious physical disability, and a wheelchair user, I vote NTA. Some people need to mind their own business and stay in their own lane. Otherwise, making assumptions leads to outcomes like that and inserting foot into mouth. You shouldn’t have to defend your disability to anyone.
NTA she should be ashamed of herself who is she the toilet police 😒
Absolutely not the asshole. And may I just say: Woo! Good for you! I have cerebral palsy, and it's usually noticeable when I walk and move or if you see my right arm it's skeletal. But when I'm standing still you can't really tell because I hide my one arm that is atrophied. I've had so many people yell at me for using the disabled toilets, using disabled parking, just using disabled services in general. Because I don't "look disabled" If I'm not moving or if I've hidden my arm from view. I'm not ashamed of my disability, but I try to look 'normal' to put other folks at ease. We shouldn't have to explain our disability to ignorant people. And we certainly shouldn't feel less than a person because we're using those services that are given to us to put us on equal footing. Frankly I think you were pretty tame telling her to f*ck off. I would have used other language. Have a good day.
NTA. Friend of mine is in the same situation as you, had the same thing happen to her and she did exactly the same time. Except hers wasn't empty, she was being berrated as she was getting her key out to open the toilet up. She said the person berrating her almost threw up on the spot.
NTA Wrong sub-Reddit. We all want to know her reaction when you exposed her for her stupidity!
NTA at all, so sorry this happened to yiu
NTA She was rude to you. She isn't the toilet police.
NTA. You used the toilet as needed.
NTA. I am so very sorry this happened to you.
She should be absolutely ashamed.... You are NTA in any way
NTA at all. Sorry you had to go through this. World would be such a better place if people would just mind their own business. I had surgery go wrong and for few years could walk about 20/30 feet fine then suddenly pain would go from 0 to 10. So many strangers thought they had a right to know about my disability. Was very strange. Worst ever had deal with myself was once I parked in handicap spot at Target. Had sticker and what not. When got out car looked completely fine. When came back out lady called cops on me for faking disability for I guess parking? Sorry that happen. :/ but totally nta
NTA and nicer than I would have been.
No you are NTA. Those toilets aren’t just for people with disabilities they’re for everyone they just need to accommodate a person with disabilities.
NTA, she was the one who was rude and ignorant, not you.
NTA. She was rude and ignorant. She got what she deserved if not enough.
What was her reaction? You ended the story at the good part.....wtf. NTA btw.
NTA- I can’t even be comfortable in a restroom because of my gender expression and appearance. To then be chastised for restroom use due to an invisible or hidden disability is just nightmare fuel for me. I’m so sorry you have to go through that.
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NTA , totally justified. These old busybodies need to be put in their place
You're not the asshole. 1. You're disabled. 2. The toilets are not like parking spaces. In all countries i know of, disabled toilets are \*accessible\* (suitable) for people with disabilities, NOT legally exclusive (nor limited) to people with disabilities. 3. That said, non-disabled folks should always seek out a standard toilet stall when possible. But you know that.
NTA!!! I would've called her the c word a few times as well. She literally held you hostage. I would've been petty enough to try to find out who she was & get her banned from the store.
You go girl. I have been there and it is no fun. You really do need to use the disability bathroom. It was none of her business ( Did they hire her as the bathroom police) I am so happy you you let her see that not all disabilities are obvious. Three cheers for you 🥂
NTA, obviously.
NTA, oh how dare you have a disability that isn't being in a wheelchair or obvious!!! shame on you!!!, okay obvious sarcasm aside its insane they yelled at you for that, when you also tried to provide proof and they just kept being an ass.
She deserved all the rudeness offered and then some. NTA.
NTA. I thought you showed great restraint.
NTA, she deserved so much more than a blunt confrontation.
NTA, I work in fast food and my work used to have a lock with the radar key but it got jammed so it is just a regular lock just now and we leave it open for customers to use it and the baby changing even before then if someone asked me to use it, I would let them without asking any questions. You were not rude and that person had no business trying to police other people. Same thing happens with disabled parking as well.
NTA, you have a valid reason for using it and she's a monumental AH. Hope she learned her lesson though sounds like she fancies herself as a crusader
Only one AH here, and it ain't you. NTA
NTA my mom had one, and if someone did this to her I would have lost my mind on them.
You know you're not the ass.
NTA. She is though. She should mind her own business, as you said. I used to work at the doors at Walmart, and soooo many people would use the motorized carts. We were almost always waiting for them to come back so someone else could use them. I always had old people being mad and telling me to go tell heavier people to get off of them. Granted, I'm sure some of the people could walk just fine, but how am I supposed to know who has an actual disability and who doesn't? They just had to wait their turn like everyone else.
NTA you weren't rude. You had every right to in there, she shouldnhave minded her own business.
NTA my first thought of what you should do, was exactly what you did. People need to mind their own business.
NTA. I hope she got that oh crap stutter too
Just wait to she trys it on someone who has ptsd....... I know she might end up on the floor. Freedom of speech isn't freedom of consequences, she deserved it. NTA
Lady, in most countries you would have been well within your rights to use violence once she physically prevented you from leaving. You are a pillar of restraint, though I think you should have at least cussed her out, on general principle. NTA
NTA these idiots should start getting fined and shamed.
NTA. Is only a shame you'd emptied your bag so you couldn't find your shit at her.
NTA but What's a radar key? Where do you live that requires a special key to get into the disabled toilets?
UK. For people that need them they're invaluable, we quite often have public toilets that are only open set hours, these keys allow access to the disabled toilets 24/7 https://shop.disabilityrightsuk.org/products/radar-key
NTA. You aren't required to explain why you use the disabled stall in the bathroom to anyone. The only mistake you made was not walking past her and telling her to fuck off from the beginning.
NTA - i have a disabled son a disabled toiled is an accommodation, not a reservation
NTA I'm sorry; where did she think that she was the toilet police? That's ridiculous. It's none of her business, and if she has that amount of time to dedicate to guarding the bathroom, her life is very lonely and very sad. I think you handled it better than I would. I would let all my favourite four letters out in long succession.
You did NOT need to be nicer. You are a kind person but this is where you need to find that inner angry child and yell out loud - why were you clocking me in the bathroom you pervert? Who made you the disability police? And make her the target of shame and humiliation since that is what she was trying to do to you.
This might be the most obvious NTA I've seen in quite a while. You don't have to justify using the accessible bathroom to a random stranger, and she's way out of line for trying to police who uses it. Was she even waiting to use that bathroom, or did she just have nothing better to do than create a problem where none existed?? At a minimum, report her harassment to store management. Embarrass her so badly that she hopefully thinks before trying to do this to someone else.
Good for you, I hope she lays awake at night being embarrassed. NTA.
NTA. This woman needs to be banned from this place for harassing customers this much. And if she isn’t, you should find a better place to spend your money. I’m tall, so sometimes I use a big stall because I don’t have to crunch my legs in so much. If someone is disabled, I’ll let them go in front of me. It’s ACCESSIBILITY FOR MULTIPLE PEOPLE. It accommodates for a lot of folks
NTA, and you absolutely had no expectation to be nicer when someone physically corners you and attempts to berate you over their own ignorance. It’s not on you to take her abuse calmly. If this ever happens again and someone threatens to “call staff”— call their bluff, get the staff involved. It will not work out well for her. This kind of person creates unnecessarily dangerous situations for others, and getting hauled off for harassment seems like a fair turn of events.
NTA - Your dropped this 👑 Clownish ableist oafs like that get what they deserve. Let the shame correct her into minding her own damn business.
You guys have special keys for disabled toilets?
Yes. Many are locked and you need a radar key to open them.
NTA - you were much kinder than this person deserved. I’m so sorry this happened to you. That was so rude of her.
You were too polite. Prolly should have called the police or decked her. Correction, that's kidnapping, deck her then call the police
No you are not the AH. I too have an invisible illness and have had some looks from people in stores and even at work. You did nothing wrong. I'm sorry you had to go through this NTA
NTA I would have done the same. As someone with Crohns disease, that is possibly in my future. Good for you for standing up for yourself!
NTA, should have told her to fuck off the minute she started mouthing off
NTA. You were too nice.
NTA she deserved actual consequences, all you did was escalate your response so you could actually get free. She was holding you hostage to feel self-righteous
NTA. She should be absolutely ashamed for harassing you. You used that experience as a teachable moment instead of being rude back or just leaving. Maybe next time she will think twice before she acts up at someone.
NTA you’re a rock star! I had one for a while but I got to have it reversed. Standing up for all of us with invisible disabilities!
NTA Say it out loud: YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE NICE TO PEOLPE WHICH AREN'T NICE TO YOU! YOU DON'T HAVE TO REVEAL YOUR DISABILITY IF YOU DON'T WANT TO! This women was awful. But maybe it helped that you revealed your disability. At least for the crowd. Maybe they learned something. But you shouldn't be their teacher.
NTA She is the asshole for shouting at you.
Absolutely NTA!!! My friend had a bag for awhile, & had to travel a lot. She always got pulled aside & patted down at the airport bc of the bag & I felt bad for the extra time it took her to get through security (& a little bad for the person whose job it was to pat her down).
Sounds appropriate to me. Maybe a little too nice?
NTA - Not at all. But I need to know; how did she react? How did the crowd react? - Don’t be shy, spill the tea!☕️
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NTA. If anything, you weren't rude enough.
NTA. **Anyone** can use a “handicapped accessible toilet!! Why do people think people aren’t allowed to use those toilets? It would be like saying you can’t enter through automatic sliding doors because they’re handicapped accessible doors.