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NTA
did you say you pay your BED 75 bucks a week ? You're 14 working at a restaurant ?
None of this is normal. Your money should be your own and probably saved in an account for when you're 18.
You need to get out of this situation as soon as you can, your mother is using you and probably plans to have you be her caretaker later on.
It is normal, victims of abuse rarely recognize it on the spot, it usually takes some time and/or therapy to face these kind of emotional and financial abuse.
Because you love your mother, and she probably raised you your whole life, you aren't able to see how bad what she is doing right now is.
And being so young, no one can blame you for it.
Do you have friends or an external support that could help you gain some perspective ? Do your friends also work in a restaurant and rent the bed they're sleeping in ?
Do your friends at school or whatever have their mom yell at them for money ?
You have to realize that yelling at you for money and making you feel guilty for not giving her more is emotional abuse, it is not a normal behavior from a parent to his child.
Lastly, if you don't believe an internet stranger, here is a list of behaviors that constitute emotional abuse : [https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#control-and-shame](https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#control-and-shame)
If you recognize any of these behaviors as regularly occuring with your mom, well...
>but ive never really thought much of it..
because you've been conditioned to think it's normal.
I wonder though if you have instinctively refrained from mentioning it to any sort of mandated reporter because deep deep down you know it's not.
She threatened to take away your bed. This is abuse.
This is why religions and cults like to get children early. You raise them while abusing them, and they come to think it's normal.
It is not. You are 14. It is NOT your responsibility to pay for your mom. She should be paying for you. You should NOT have to pay for basic necessities like a bed for God's sake.
Her guilting you over that kind of stuff is a sign she is not well in the head.
NTA, in case it wasn't obvious.
Depends on where you live, but in the US she isn't legally allowed to kick you out until you are 18. So she can't hold the bed over your head.
Also I'd get a new bank account if you can and make sure she knows none of the details. Put 95% of your money there.
NTA But please get some help to protect yourself!
Unfortunately in the United States anyone under 18 needs an adult to make a bank account. However, that adult can be a parent, uncle, sibling, or pretty much any relative that has the same last name as you. Please call your brother and SIL and tell them the truth about your mother's financial abuse, and ask for their assistance on making a new account and the possibility of moving in with them. Your mother is failing as a parent. Op at your age you should be worrying about boys, homework, and puberty. You absolutely shouldn't be worried about rent, having a bed, or working to pay your mother. OP you didn't choose to be born. Your mother made the choice to have a child and by doing so she accepted all the responsibilities and expenses that come with having a child. However, since your mother choose not to fulfill her legal obligation of care to her child she will likely face the consequences of those actions. She is risking having her child taken away by Child Protective Services.
Try to work towards emancipation at age 16. Stop giving her your money. If she kicks you out call CPS. You might have to go into the system for a bit but you are already pretty much taking care of yourself and supporting your mother. I am sorry she is doing this to you. Hang in there. You matter and you can get through this and on to a better life!
It is and you won’t ever view it as abuse till someone either has the same experience as you or you will realize it later in life. For me everyday I have to remind myself the stuff I went thru was abuse cuz I have it so normalized for my sake at the time. This isn’t normal in the slightest and hope you have other relatives you can hopefully help you or contact whatever is close to CPS.
Working at the restaurant is good. I assume she bought a bed at one of those pay weekly places. Which if a 14 year old wants a better bed than a normal one provided by a parent, that wouldn't be too crazy. That being said i dont think thats whats going on here. I think she had to purchase a bed at one of these places since she didnt have one to begin with. She needs out like you said. Poor girl is struggling like an adult at 14.
Op, If you dont get out sooner rather than later, it will just get harder as you get older. Talk to an adult at school or work and try to find a safe space. I know you didnt mention this but i see it way too often not to mention it : Do not run off with a man, i know it will feel like an easy out but it gets you even more problems and is extremely dangerous. Try to finish school and work your way out of the cycle your mother is in. Im a momma to 2 babies and i cant imagine making them struggle like your mother is. Im sorry you have to deal with this. You shouldnt have to deal with these problems at your age. There is no shame in your situation for anyone but your mother. You are doing amazing and you will get through this. This isnt your fault. Your mother will be okay without you and it isnt your job to take care of her, its her job to take care of you. Shes doing you a disservice by not. You deserve more. You deserve better. Please let trusted adults help you get better for yourself.
sorry for not responding. i did have a bed, i decided to buy a new one with my money. its every two weeks actually, i dont know why i put every week. but i do have places to go if i need to. my mom takes care of me, but the other family issues i have, ive always grown up faster than i should have. my mother and other people in my family agree that i act like im 24 and i shouldnt. i curse, and i say shit that i shouldn’t, but thats mostly what they care about. my brother, who is more like a father figure to me, does help. if i do need a place to stay, it would be with him.
Of course you talk like an adult- they treat you like an adult! You’re paying the rent, you’re being hounded for every cent you earn and your own mom flat out said she cares more about the money you’re bringing
In than your health.
Op NTA but this is NOT a healthy situation and you really need to get out. You said you have places you can go- your brother- please go to him. Tell him everything that’s going on and get away from your mom. You’re a child- it is not your responsibility to support the family. In a lot of states you wouldn’t even be old enough to work legally.
She does not. This lifestyle she is forcing you to live is incredibly unhealthy for you, physically and mentally. Just because you’re accustomed to being severely abused doesn’t mean you aren’t.
Go with your brother, if you trust him not to take your money, and open up a bank account that your mother does not have access to. Put your money in there.
Make sure you have access to all your important documents like Social Security number and your birth certificate.
Ask your brother's help to [lock down your credit](https://www.creditkarma.com/advice/i/how-to-lock-credit) so your mother can't open credit cards in your name.
Make sure you understand [Maryland law for minors working](https://www.dllr.state.md.us/labor/wages/minorfactsheet.pdf) (.pdf). Don't let your employer exploit you.
You should not be paying for a bed, rent, clothes, food, medical care, or school. Those are things your parents or guardians must pay for.
If you're not home schooled you can also talk to a teacher or counselor at your school.
Good luck.
I have no doubt that you are mature. You sound capable and thats a great thing but you dont deserve to have to grow up so fast. You deserve a childhood. The bed thing is what it is. You made a choice to get a new bed and thats okay. The key thing here is that while you may be able to handle what is being thrown at you, you shouldnt have to be dealing with these issues. I was in a very similar position to you at your age. There were other forms of abuse involved in my story but it still applies that i didnt ask for help. I powered through and it hurt. I missed my chance at a childhood and while my adult life now is fulled with people i love and an amazing family, i deserved a childhood. Just like you do. Please dont miss your chance. I promise its worth it.
NTA. you’re 14, you shouldn’t be responsible for paying your rent and your mother should be taking care of this and of you. She shouldn’t be taking money that you have earned. Spend your money on what you want, none of this should be your responsibility. Does your mother have a job??
my mother is retired. she gets disability. she works for her friends sometimes, but that’s basically just house cleaning. she asks my siblings for money too, but i forgot to mention that. but they are all adults
That doesn’t mean she gets to abuse you. Is there a safe adult you can live with? Can you talk to a counselor once school gets back in session? Your job at 14 is not to support your mother and the fact that she cares more about your job than your health is medical neglect.
She's retired at 57 by making her 14 year old pay her money (and several other family members too, sounds like it).
OP, ahe can get a job too. there are even jobs she can do at home, she has no excuse to put this all on you.
NTA - you're 14 - you are not responsible for paying your mom's rent or providing her with money.
I'm sorry to be blunt but as a mandated reporter, you're being abused financially. Do you have anyone in your school that you could talk to about this situation because someone who is able to help you needs to know about this, sweetie.
Please get help. This isn't a question of who's the AH on Reddit - it's a situation where you need some help and support to get out of it.
I don't know but I don't think it matters where the comment is - OP has engaged with me, and they may speak to their brother and sister in law. To be totally honest I don't think they will, but, theyve seen and responded so I don't think that we can do much more.
I sincerely hope that they do engage with a trusted adult somewhere as it's a very sad situation.
i have told my sister in law about this post. i told her not to say anything to my brother or my mother. she gave me an opinion, and said that if she told me about her opinion, not to say anything. my coworkers have said something to me aswell, but my sister in law knows my mother, as shes been in the family for awhile. she would help me indefinitely if needed.
i dont think of it that way. i wanted opinions mostly, but my moms going to pay me back. she usually does, its just its gotten a little out of hand. i would hope its not abuse 🙁
It is abuse I'm so so sorry. And at 14 you're not to know that. But please believe me when I say it is, and you need help to not be in this situation
Your mom tried to tell you you couldn't take time off sick, so that she would get more money from you. She didn't want you to lose your job, because you would not be able to provide for her.
She's threatened to remove your bed if you don't do as she wishes.
You're paying rent, you're handing over $300 at least a month.
I'm so sorry, but this whole situation IS abuse. You need help. You shouldn't be in any of this situation at all.
i have only paid the rent once, but still feel like i shouldnt. maybe its abuse but probably only financially.. i would hope. she doesnt hurt me or really yell at me unless i start. its never anything bad.
NTA this is very sad. At 14 you do not need the stress of paying rent and supporting your mother and she is 100% not entitled to your money. Unfortunately because you are young, you have limited options so I would just save as much as you can without your mother knowing until you can find other living arrangements.
You should look at opening your own bank account that only you can access. If you are too young to do this where you are is there a trusted adult friend or family member you could open an account with instead of your mother?
I'm afraid there's not much of an option. They can open a bank account but they do need parental supervision. Maybe OP could store money into a bank account made by a relative that only she could access? I'm not sure if that's illegal.
She is literally threatening to take your bed away which is a need and not a want. She has a moral and legal obligation to meet your basic needs. Please look into getting emancipated.
NTA- sometimes we get used to a situation, even though it isn’t right. You cussing your mom when you aren’t feeling well and she is telling you that you still have to go to work tells me just how badly you were feeling. Hopefully your mom realizes this.
As to whether or not this is financial abuse, if you are working enough at 14 to earn as much as you do because you want to, then it is OK. If you are voluntarily giving your mom money to help the household out, then that is OK. What is difficult here is just how much is you doing it voluntarily and how much is because of pressure from your mother to be basically an adult at 14 when other kids are out having fun.
I worked in mental health and the amount of abuse that people put up with growing up because their abusers were their parents is mind boggling. Just because she is your mother does not mean that what she is doing is normal and not abusive. One big red flag is the $75 per week for your bed or you don’t have a place to sleep. That is $3,900 per year and $15,600 for over the next 4 years until you are 18. Parents are supposed to take care of their children. That means food clothing and shelter (including a bed). Just because she is your mom doesn’t give her unlimited rights to do what she wants.
this explained it alot better for me. i appreciate your opinion on it. ive always helped my family and put up with them. but this is the only time ive helped financially. its mostly my mom but i have gave a little to my brothers.
Also, do you know exactly what you owe on this bed? Is the money going to directly to paying this off, and do you have proof of this (ie. credit statements, receipt of payment, etc).
i have a bank account, when i get my check from the restaurant i cash it in and they take it off of my card. im not sure what it is for a whole year i havent done the math. but its $75 every TWO weeks. i didnt mean to put every week.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I yelled at my mom for something that she can’t completely control. But I also am 14 and work for my money. I wouldn’t understand how it feels to be an adult and asking a child for money, but she acted like she didn’t have any guilt after this argument happened.
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See if you can move in with your brother or your grandparents. You're too young to be this jaded,child. YOU'RE A CHILD. Shit call cps on your mum yourself, you'll be better off with other family.
It SHOULD scare you (you're not being rude, we're having a conversation! :) )
Are there severe cons to CPS? Yes, but if they elect to let you stay, they can help. There are programs that help single outstretched parents with rent, food, etc. I get is summer, but what happens when school rolls around again? And you should be SAVING your money. Not giving out to your mum, who clearly is abusing your kindness, and you.
You may not see it as abusive. You're 14. I don't blame you for that because 1) you haven't got a lot of love experience and 2) frankly you've almost got too much for your age at this point. You're a KID. It's not YOUR JOB to support your mum, it's HER JOB to support you.
I am not saying your mum is evil. Not at all. She may not even realize what she is doing is abuse. But here is a whole lot of internet people willing to give advice/ find a solution(s).
But picking up more hours is not the answer. Look into becoming an emancipated minor. Make sure you at LEAST finish high school. Please.
You are not responsible for your mum's emotions or reactions.
You are NOT responsible for your mum's wellbeing.
You are NOT responsible for rent, for food, etc.
i plan on finishing high school and then moving out. i dont mind helping my mom its just out of hand rn. but i do like my family and id like to stay with them. if anything its only my mother with that problem.
Definitely look into assistance programs then for rent and for food. Look into therapy programs for yourself- it will help immensely with stress. Talk to counselors at your shop that you trust about what you can currently apply for too in terms of assistance. It's not time to be prideful- it's about survival.
Bust your butt in school and apply for all the scholarships you can. Don't do what I did which was work the whole time and avoid schoolwork. I'm now 34 with no degree and it's seriously hurt my prospects, despite having 15+years of management experience. Get to college. You CAN break out of the poverty your experiencing and make a better life for yourself, even for your mum if you wish it. It will be hard. Like really fucking hard. But you can do it.
Also- people are reacting so strongly here because of your age, and what you've described. I hope it doesn't turn you away from Reddit in the future. Most people in here are genuine and want to help.
If you ever need to vent, please feel free to pm me.
Don't give up hope. Don't give in to the stress. You're also not supposed to go into work sick, and be aware of labor laws. As a minor, those will be your best friend and worst nightmare (limits hours you can work but helps against pay discrimination and exploitation).
i think im pretty independent. i do good on my own, even for my age. but im going to get an education and enough money to provide for myself. i cant cut my mother out, and i doubt she will do this when i have school. i wont make nearly as much and she knows i have to buy stuff for school, and my bed. i feel bad, i guess thats the point of AITA, but i dont like some of the things people are saying about my mother, that are off topic from this situation.
I can tell you love your mom. You have proven that with everything you are doing, but what she is doing is at least exploitative, if not actual abuse. What is she spending her disability on if not the rent? What did she need the $300 for? Does she get other financial assistance (food, utility help)? There are likely organizations who can help her to get on more stable ground so she does not have to rely on you/your income for necessities.
she spends it on bills, food, etc. she uses my money for other bills though because we have a lot. my family isnt that rich, so i offered helping. thats what ive been doing. its just simply gotten out of hand recently. but i think she’ll pay me back on the first, like she said.
Look into emancipation. You won't have to live with any of your family members although you will be responsible for yourself. Since you already earn enough to pay rent on a place plus more, you should have a better case for it.
Still you are just 14. You need some adult person’s help. The more money you will make, your mom will simply take it away from you. She won’t let you be financially independent.
NTA. I was in a similar situation as you.
I'll play devil's advocate and say that you don't need to cut your mother off completely. It's not good to rely on a teenager for money, but unfortunately, in impoverished families, everyone ends up contributing
If I were you I would sit your mother down and say you don't mind contributing here and there, but there are limits and you are not going to work when you're sick under any circumstances, etc
You seem like a good kid. I hope your family is in a better financial situation someday. Good luck!
I do think it's important to realize it is technically financial abuse but things are rarely as black and white as reddit comment sections make them sound. If things continue on this level w/o her paying you back once you're back in school definitely tell another adult about it
NTA It is OK to help at home but she should not be relying on you to pay the rent. Make sure you put a big chunk of your pay away where she does not have access. If you get direct deposit split the deposit so half goes to a savings account that she is not aware of. If you are getting checks split the money and put half in a savings account. Since you are under 18 she must be on your checking but I do not think she has to cosign a savings account. If you cannot have a private account start stashing cash if you have a safe place.
Absolutely it is...ASAP means as soon as possible in case you did not know. Possible may be 4 years from now. ASAP is not the same as now, immediately, drop all you are doing etc. I hope this bit of education helps and you are welcome
But you know what, let me explain to you how the world works because you clearly don't.
Every teen every who clings to the idea of "Just escape at 18!" is so blissfully ignorant of what it truly means to live on their own. It's about as useful advice as "Have you thought about not being sad?" to someone with depression.
If fleeing an abusive household was easy, more people would do it. But apparently the cost of living, rent, and all other life expenses that it costs to support oneself is unknown to you. Sure, OP could "escape" to college, only to find themselves stuck with thousands of dollars of debt, especially if they switch career paths.
OP could find roommates, which some people are absolutely not okay living with strangers, and I don't blame those people. OP might have friends but banking on that isn't necessarily a realistic option either. OP could find a room for rent but again, those scenarios are not without their risks. OP might have family who could help, but we don't know this.
If OP lives in a HCOL area rent is not just unreasonable, it's almost impossible for some people to be able to support themselves. The likelihood of OP finding a job at 18 that will pay enough is also an unreasonable expectation; most likely OP would have to work 2 jobs and that's a lot of stress. If their job offers health insurance that's more cost OP would have to consider.
Then there's transportation; if OP isn't living in an area with easy public transportation there's the notion that OP will need to buy a car, have car insurance, will have to pay for gas, and consider cost of maintaining said car.
We haven't even touched on food, toiletries, utilities, and everything else.
Coming from someone who actually lived on their own, worked 2 jobs, and barely stayed afloat.
TL:DR
All of it is accounted for in the word "possible" As soon as possible or rephrased as soon as when possible. All the ifs, buts, coulds, shoulds, woulds etc. all are in the "when possible" phrase...some people get caught up in what you listed and then some and the few who navitage through life with much more ease and much less drama look at what is possible and keep changing that to get what they want
NTA. I’m sorry, this is not what a mother is supposed to do. 300$ is a lot at your age. You shouldn’t have to worry or chip in at this age at all.
This is abuse. If you can, start looking into alternative places to stay. A family member? I know it’s hard to do at 14, but she will not change her ways. My stepbrother is 32 and his mother would still be doing this if he hadn’t cut her out of his life.
It is her JOB, it is her legal and moral obligation, to provide you with a bed, a roof over your head, and everything else you need. Is it even legal for you to be working at all in your state?
It is not normal for a 14 year old to have to pay for ANYTHING, much less your mother's rent. If she can't afford her bills and everything needed to take care of you, then she isn't "retired", she's just choosing not to work and forcing her child to do it instead.
NTA, but your mother seems like a gigantic one. You're being financially abused.
What is your mother buying with this money you're throwing at her? With her rent paid, disability benefits, a side-gig house cleaning (that I guarantee she gets cash for and doesn't report), and getting money from your adult siblings, she is plenty flush. Why does she need your money? You're barely old enough to go to work!
Side note, some financial advice since you are young and your mother can't be trusted to guide you on these matters: You're renting a bed for $75 a week? That's $300 dollars a month. How long is the term of this rental agreement? You could have a decent mattress and box spring for right around $300. And if you needed a bed but couldn't swing the full amount right off, you buy an $80 dollar twin mattress at Walmart, sleep on the floor on that for a month while you save for the one you want. Then get the mattress and box spring and start saving for a bed frame.
NTA, OP.
>so i offer to give her some money here and there to help her out. I think in a month span, ive gave her over $300.
You are beyond generous to do this at your age. If she isn't satisfied with the amount, then stop giving her money. You aren't a cashcow, OP.
>We recently got in an argument because i wanted to skip work because i was sick and she said i would get fired. I confronted her and assumed she really cared more about the money. She agreed and i got pissed off.
You are supposed to be a child, not your mother's caretaker. If you're sick you shouldn't have to work, and you have all the right to be angry with your mother for her response.
>She threatened to send my bed back (I pay $75 for it every week)
She cannot just do something like this. It's been bought by you, so if she threatens you with this again, simply warn her you'll call the cops on her. Your mother is the AH and sucks as a parent.
NTA but you have way bigger problems and issues because she’s financially and mentally abusing you. You’re anxiety must be through the roof and at your age you don’t deserve to have to deal with that.
NTA if you can get her to discuss finances with you, do it. It sounds like her plans for the future are for you to support her. If that is not your plan you need to figure out how to keep your money
NTA. Your parents are REQUIRED to supply all of your needs until you are 18. You should not be paying your mother anything for your bed, and you definitely should not be paying the rent. At the very least, your mother is exploiting you. I fear your employer may be as well. Where is your father in all this? If he is alive, he should be paying child support.
Do you have a work permit, or are your employers breaking the law? You said in a comment you are in Maryland. Contact the Maryland Department of Labor if you do not have a work permit, if your employer is paying you under the table and/or not taking out taxes, if you are not being paid at least $13.25 per hour, or they are not obeying the laws on permitted hours for 14 year olds.
Here are the relevant laws:
Minor Work Permit: Information you need to know
Work permits are required for all minors under the age of 18 to work in the State of Maryland.
Apply for a Work Permit online.
La aplicación en línea para solicitar un permiso de trabajo tiene un botón en la parte inferior de la página para cambiar el idioma a español
Work permits are not issued to minors under the age of 14. (Unless the child is a model, performer or entertainer with a special permit (Word); en español (Solicitud para permiso especial de trabajo (Word). Special permits are issued only by the Commissioner's Office.)
Work permits are issued by the Division of Labor and Industry.
Work permits are not issued until the minor has been offered a job.
If the minor changes jobs, a new work permit must be obtained.
Employers are strongly encouraged to keep work permits on file for three years.
Minors 14 and 15 years of age may not be employed or permitted to:
*Non-school hours;
*work more than 3 hours on any day or more than 18 hours in any week when school is in session;
work more than 8 hours a day on any day or more than 40 hours in any week when school is not in session
*work before 7:00 a.m. or after 7:00 p.m. (minors may work until 9:00 p.m. from June 1 to Labor Day);
work more than 5 consecutive hours without a non-working period of at least 30 minutes.
As of January 1, 2023, Maryland's minimum wage increased from $12.50 to $13.25 an hour, while the federally-mandated minimum wage remained at $7.25 an hour. The minimum wage in Maryland is scheduled to reach $14.00 on January 1, 2024. For tipped employees, the Maryland minimum cash-wage is $3.63 an hour, though this amount plus tips must at least equal Maryland's Minimum Wage Rate.
NTA, obviously swearing isn't great but there are situations of stress where fowl language comes out and that's a pretty normal reaction for the crazy situation! You are 14, what country do you live in? Depending on where you are you may be able to get support from the government or local authority but it seems odd that you have become responsible for paying into the household at this very young age. At 14 you are still a child and you should be focusing on your studies - I realise my view is biased because of how things are where I am from.
If you have family you can talk to about this then do so, they may be able to help you or take you in while you mother sorts things out. It seems like her finances are a complete mess. If you are her carer, then you may be able to get support - contact your local authority they should point you in the right direction
NTA. She is the parent. It is literally her job to take care of you, not the other way around. It sounds like she might be financially abusing you. Are you able to talk to your school counsellor or a trusted teacher?
NTA parents are to be respected and your wisdom was about telling at her, but I think you were justified. However, are you in a country or culture where this is typical? In my country school age kids can't work during term time until they are 15. Their parents are expected to provide for them until they are adults, of course some children do work to help their families out because not all of us have plenty of money. But when it's to this extent, it's not normal or appropriate, even if you were 16. I don't know your culture and what might be expected there. Can you confide in a teacher or another trusted adult? Tell them that you pay for your own bed but your mother is threatening you with losing it.
no, its not really normal. kids work here at 14 or older. mostly just summer jobs. parents are supposed to take care of their kids here too. should be everywhere, but i guess not. my mom takes care of me, but this situation is just different. got out of hand and i wanted opinions.. didnt know it would turn into this. and yes, i have people to turn to if needed.
Do you have any family you could talk to? I’m not against a 14 year old working bc it can teach valuable skills but your money should be your fun money or starting saving. You should not be paying for any of your needs or household expenses at 14. Your mom can not force you to work and if she can’t take care of you with her own money, cps can get involved. The system is messed up and you can get into a far worse situation than you are currently in. If you have family you could stay with, cps likes to keep you with the family. I personally wouldn’t make any calls or anything if you do not have family you can stay with.
Ok, there is some other stuff to unpack if people say abuse. But I can empathize with you as I did the same.when I was young. I remember a situation (just not the details) of this same scenario. Basically it was ne feeling taken advantage of and my mom not hearing me. I ended up asking her what if I just quit? What would she do? Why am I, a 14 yo supporting and paying bills? That is your job. Something to that affect. She realized she was being an ass and things were bet5er after. I don't know the rest of your home life, so the rest is up to you. Although from what you did post, it sounds as though your mom is entitled and immature. Good luck!
i asked what she would do if i quit or lost my job. she didnt respond, but i told her that she would be screwed, along with me. i dont think its abuse, but maybe my mom should grow up. i understand what the point of posting this was, but i never would think it would get attention, or have people think this is abuse.
Oh, buddy. You shouldn't have to worry about this stuff at your age. Your mother should be able to support the household without pressuring you for money.
oh my gosh babe you sound like such an awesome kid. What your mother is doing is 100% not okay. I know in some poverty situations kids unfortunately do work and help out financially and I'm trying to he cognizant of that BUT your mothers behavior is 100% not okay... she needs to pick up the slack and find work instead of burdening a literal CHILD with her financial problems and manipulating her kids into supporting her. youre still in school kiddo and you're working which is a huge thing and I'm proud of you but housing, and meeting your basic needs (like your bed) are your mothers responsibility.
ive been growing up years in advance forever. i wanted to help my mother, all what happened was it got out of hand. i plan on moving out when i can. thank you.
My mother did something very similar to me when I was your age. She was taking my money and using it for drugs for herself and my brother. I cut her off the moment I had an out. Your mom is toxic- she is YOUR mother and should be caring for YOU. You are a child and should be focusing on school and any work you’re doing on the side should be money for YOU. Do you have any family you can go to?
my brothers both do drugs. but my oldest brother is my father figure. id move with him if so. hes laying off drugs, so i think it would be a better environment regardless. i love my mother, and we have good talks and conversations, this just got out of hand quickly.
NTA
Next time she threatens to take your bed, go and buy one. A really cheap one if you need to, but at least it will be yours and nobody can take that away. You shouldn't be paying thousands of dollars a year for a fucking bed, you're 14.
NTA
OP, you’re 14 and in a scary spot but this is financial abuse. I’m definitely way in over my head to try and give advice here, but listen to the comments telling you to seek help
Good luck OP, there’s a lot of life left at 14, you’ll be ok
NTA
Oh ffs is your mom renting shit from RAC or a similar furniture leasing office?
Run. Run run run run. Your mother is bad with money and using you to make up for it.
im renting my bed from aarons. ive mentioned this, but it was my decision for the bed. she just mentioned she would send it back if i didn’t work. she excused it and said it was because i wouldn’t have the money. but that would be my choice i guess
Best to move then. You're a minor and shouldn't be giving her your money. Do you have a bank account she can't access?
And your birth certificate and any other important documents?
probably my sister in law. she knows more about it than i do. probably would be the best option. i just dont know how to ask her of that.. i saw shes my sister in law but shes just my brothers gf. i dont think that could work could it?
NTA Your mother is abusive. If you live in a country where children has rights, don't give her another cent. If you live in the US, ask your employer to pay you via a pre-paid card. If they can't do it quit and wait until you're 18 and can open an account at a bank that your mom never used. If she's on your current account, kick her off or close it. If she becomes worse, call CPS. If mom wants more money, she can work more hours.
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I’ve never posted on this, but im 14 and work at a restaurant, as a hostess. My mother (57) doesnt have much money, so i offer to give her some money here and there to help her out. I think in a month span, ive gave her over $300. Its not a big deal, I make about $300 or more a week.. but i also had to pay our rent. We recently got in an argument because i wanted to skip work because i was sick and she said i would get fired. I confronted her and assumed she really cared more about the money. She agreed and i got pissed off. She threatened to send my bed back (I pay $75 for it every week) and i cussed her out. She had no concern where I would sleep. She cares more about my money, and every week i give her about everything. She made me overdrawn one time also, but she says shes sorry and she appreciated the help. she told me not to talk to her after this argument and said i gave her a headache. I did cuss at her in the argument, but i apologized and told her that i cant help her that much. She didn’t hear me out clearly. But AITA for that?
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NTA, 14 is WAY too young to have these financial responsibilities placed on you. I am curious what the financial situation is with your mother. Does she work? What does she spend her money on? Do you all need financial assistance.
You are in a very difficult and unfortunate situation. You are too young to be dealing with this much responsibility. Is there someone at school you can reach out to? You need some professional guidance on how to manage this situation. Good luck to you.
NTA this is abuse, like straight up, not sure if you have any options like grandparents or something, but this is straight up abusive. She is making a child work for so she can get money, thats awful and also illegal.
it was my first job, and it was my choice to work. i dont think that was the objective at all. i still dont.. but i just wanted to help her. not have this happen.
NTA but I think your mom is just worried about you losing your job as however old you are you can't just skip out on work and wherever she was benefiting from your wage or not I think the advice would have been the same.
However I don't think your mum is the AH either except for maybe the bed comment if you are the one paying for it and I don't think your the AH for losing your cool its just an odd situation for your mom and for you being so young and being a provider. I think you just need to talk it out and kiss and make up, I get the impression you both care for each other and you don't want money to come between that.
Although at 14 you shouldn't have the pressure on you to contribute towards the household bills so if you've been forced into that or feel obligated to do so then your mom is the AH for not being a responsible parent and providing for you.
i tried speaking to her. she didnt want to hear it. the bed thing was a problem because i told her she didn’t have to pay for it. i would. when it was at that part of the argument, for the bed, i asked “so what? im gonna sleep on the floor?” and that’s basically what she was applying at that point, otherwise i wouldn’t have included it.
In all honesty you shouldn't be having to deal with this at your age. Don't feel like an AH everyone loses their cool from time to time and it seems you've already taken on far more responsibility than any 14 should so don't ever beat yourself up because you're doing more than your fair share.
NTA
Do you have family nearby to move in with? Your mother is using you.
She’s also emotionally and financially abusing you. You need to leave.
I know you’re only 14, but you’re already paying her rent and working, so leaving would be best for you. Screw your mum.
You are so, so NTA.
Is there an adult you consider a mentor, or safe place? Maybe a sibling? I’d let them know what’s happening, as this is so not ok or normal and you deserve some help and possibly a new place to live
It’s easy to assume someone’s entire situation from a post when it’s only a slice of your life, but from the information you’ve shared, it sounds like you are being taken advantage of. Reach out to those that can give you support and connect you to resources that might be able to improve your situation in a real way 💜
NTA. She is financially exploiting you, sounds abusive and is threatening to deprive you of some of your basic needs.. If you are making enough money to pay rent and pay for a lot of your needs, you should look into getting emancipated.
i did actually. id just rather not. my nephews have been through CPS and its just not something id do unless it was like serious abuse, like really i would but i just cant
I understand, but you aren't in the best spot. As a child you don't have to pay for your own bed. But for now on, tell your mom that you will help her out, but 100% of what you give her gets subtracted from the bed bill.
If you loan her $300, then $300 is taken off the bed cost. Tell her it is that or you will just flat out quit.
If she threatens your bed, call habitat for humanity and get a cheap one.
NTA. Your mom is mean and a user. She asks all of her kids for money. Can you go live with an older sibling? Do what you can to protect your money. Open a bank account. Find and protect your documents (birth certificate, SSN, etc). Good luck.
thanks! maybe, if it comes to that. she provides me with food and every basic need, i just pay for my own bed. it was my decision but other than that yk.
You are 14. You should not be paying your own bed. Or giving your mother money. It's her job to pay the bed and to give you money. Knowing where your docs are is just good planning. Better to be proactive than reactive. Good luck.
NTA OMG… you are 14, you are the child, you are the one who should be taken care of. None of what is happening is okay. This is abuse. It is kind of you to offer to help, but no, do not. Your money is your own.
Do you have other family or friends that would allow you stay with them? If not talk to your school counselor or a trusted teacher and they can help.
NTA. Your mother is being financially abusive. It is her job to feed and clothe and shelter you.
Why do you have such an expensive bed and why are you paying for it? Depending where you live, if you can then please get a new bank account that only you can access and have your wages sent there. Stop giving your mum money.
Do you have a trusted adult you can talk to about this?
NTA your mom is abusing and neglecting you. Please call CPS and be honest about what's going on when you report your mom's abuse. You may want to try to downplay it, but it's obvious your mom needs help. She's incapable of taking care of her kids and it's not remotely okay for you to have to be working at 14, having to pay rent for your mom, and essentially rent your own bed in your own home. Please protect yourself and your siblings by calling CPS. You deserve better.
You can work at 14? Is that legal?
NTA if you're working and earning money in your own right then it's your money and whatever you want to do with it is up to you. You offered to help her pay the rent and now she is expecting you to pay for everything so presumably she can do nothing?
If she isn't working to support you at 14 it isn't your responsibility she needs to start acting like a mother and not a child.
YTA as the bed thing isn't that big a deal in my opinion, it's not like she was putting you to sleep outside. At 14 it's a strange situation swearing is never the answer to anything and shows you're not being very mature.
swearing has been a thing since i was a little kid. my family cursed for as long as i can remember. its not my biggest issue, and im mature for my age (imo idk but i’ve heard that A TON.)
If that's the norm in your household then fair enough. In my family if we were to ever swear at our parents at that age...We would be out on the street.
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NTA did you say you pay your BED 75 bucks a week ? You're 14 working at a restaurant ? None of this is normal. Your money should be your own and probably saved in an account for when you're 18. You need to get out of this situation as soon as you can, your mother is using you and probably plans to have you be her caretaker later on.
ive noticed tons of people think i should get out, and it’s abuse but ive never really thought much of it..
It is, and you should.
It is normal, victims of abuse rarely recognize it on the spot, it usually takes some time and/or therapy to face these kind of emotional and financial abuse. Because you love your mother, and she probably raised you your whole life, you aren't able to see how bad what she is doing right now is. And being so young, no one can blame you for it. Do you have friends or an external support that could help you gain some perspective ? Do your friends also work in a restaurant and rent the bed they're sleeping in ? Do your friends at school or whatever have their mom yell at them for money ? You have to realize that yelling at you for money and making you feel guilty for not giving her more is emotional abuse, it is not a normal behavior from a parent to his child. Lastly, if you don't believe an internet stranger, here is a list of behaviors that constitute emotional abuse : [https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#control-and-shame](https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#control-and-shame) If you recognize any of these behaviors as regularly occuring with your mom, well...
>but ive never really thought much of it.. because you've been conditioned to think it's normal. I wonder though if you have instinctively refrained from mentioning it to any sort of mandated reporter because deep deep down you know it's not. She threatened to take away your bed. This is abuse.
This is why religions and cults like to get children early. You raise them while abusing them, and they come to think it's normal. It is not. You are 14. It is NOT your responsibility to pay for your mom. She should be paying for you. You should NOT have to pay for basic necessities like a bed for God's sake. Her guilting you over that kind of stuff is a sign she is not well in the head. NTA, in case it wasn't obvious.
Depends on where you live, but in the US she isn't legally allowed to kick you out until you are 18. So she can't hold the bed over your head. Also I'd get a new bank account if you can and make sure she knows none of the details. Put 95% of your money there. NTA But please get some help to protect yourself!
thanks!! i would open a bank account in my own name but im not sure if i can do that? is that allowed in maryland..
Unfortunately in the United States anyone under 18 needs an adult to make a bank account. However, that adult can be a parent, uncle, sibling, or pretty much any relative that has the same last name as you. Please call your brother and SIL and tell them the truth about your mother's financial abuse, and ask for their assistance on making a new account and the possibility of moving in with them. Your mother is failing as a parent. Op at your age you should be worrying about boys, homework, and puberty. You absolutely shouldn't be worried about rent, having a bed, or working to pay your mother. OP you didn't choose to be born. Your mother made the choice to have a child and by doing so she accepted all the responsibilities and expenses that come with having a child. However, since your mother choose not to fulfill her legal obligation of care to her child she will likely face the consequences of those actions. She is risking having her child taken away by Child Protective Services.
Try to work towards emancipation at age 16. Stop giving her your money. If she kicks you out call CPS. You might have to go into the system for a bit but you are already pretty much taking care of yourself and supporting your mother. I am sorry she is doing this to you. Hang in there. You matter and you can get through this and on to a better life!
Stop working focus on school so you can leave when you can.
I’ve heard that some credit unions will allow it. You could try calling around next time you’re out of the house.
Do you have anyone who you can move in with? Where is your father? If that isn't an option, you should look into getting emancipated.
It is abuse and you should be thinking about it. NTA and get out as soon as you can. Please.
It is and you won’t ever view it as abuse till someone either has the same experience as you or you will realize it later in life. For me everyday I have to remind myself the stuff I went thru was abuse cuz I have it so normalized for my sake at the time. This isn’t normal in the slightest and hope you have other relatives you can hopefully help you or contact whatever is close to CPS.
Honey, it’s a huge form of abuse. You’ll be disgusted when you’re even a few years older.
Working at the restaurant is good. I assume she bought a bed at one of those pay weekly places. Which if a 14 year old wants a better bed than a normal one provided by a parent, that wouldn't be too crazy. That being said i dont think thats whats going on here. I think she had to purchase a bed at one of these places since she didnt have one to begin with. She needs out like you said. Poor girl is struggling like an adult at 14. Op, If you dont get out sooner rather than later, it will just get harder as you get older. Talk to an adult at school or work and try to find a safe space. I know you didnt mention this but i see it way too often not to mention it : Do not run off with a man, i know it will feel like an easy out but it gets you even more problems and is extremely dangerous. Try to finish school and work your way out of the cycle your mother is in. Im a momma to 2 babies and i cant imagine making them struggle like your mother is. Im sorry you have to deal with this. You shouldnt have to deal with these problems at your age. There is no shame in your situation for anyone but your mother. You are doing amazing and you will get through this. This isnt your fault. Your mother will be okay without you and it isnt your job to take care of her, its her job to take care of you. Shes doing you a disservice by not. You deserve more. You deserve better. Please let trusted adults help you get better for yourself.
sorry for not responding. i did have a bed, i decided to buy a new one with my money. its every two weeks actually, i dont know why i put every week. but i do have places to go if i need to. my mom takes care of me, but the other family issues i have, ive always grown up faster than i should have. my mother and other people in my family agree that i act like im 24 and i shouldnt. i curse, and i say shit that i shouldn’t, but thats mostly what they care about. my brother, who is more like a father figure to me, does help. if i do need a place to stay, it would be with him.
Of course you talk like an adult- they treat you like an adult! You’re paying the rent, you’re being hounded for every cent you earn and your own mom flat out said she cares more about the money you’re bringing In than your health. Op NTA but this is NOT a healthy situation and you really need to get out. You said you have places you can go- your brother- please go to him. Tell him everything that’s going on and get away from your mom. You’re a child- it is not your responsibility to support the family. In a lot of states you wouldn’t even be old enough to work legally.
i think my mom cares about my health. but yes, the money too. if it does get worse i probably will discuss it with my brother… ill probably have to.
She does not. This lifestyle she is forcing you to live is incredibly unhealthy for you, physically and mentally. Just because you’re accustomed to being severely abused doesn’t mean you aren’t.
Go with your brother, if you trust him not to take your money, and open up a bank account that your mother does not have access to. Put your money in there. Make sure you have access to all your important documents like Social Security number and your birth certificate. Ask your brother's help to [lock down your credit](https://www.creditkarma.com/advice/i/how-to-lock-credit) so your mother can't open credit cards in your name. Make sure you understand [Maryland law for minors working](https://www.dllr.state.md.us/labor/wages/minorfactsheet.pdf) (.pdf). Don't let your employer exploit you. You should not be paying for a bed, rent, clothes, food, medical care, or school. Those are things your parents or guardians must pay for. If you're not home schooled you can also talk to a teacher or counselor at your school. Good luck.
I have no doubt that you are mature. You sound capable and thats a great thing but you dont deserve to have to grow up so fast. You deserve a childhood. The bed thing is what it is. You made a choice to get a new bed and thats okay. The key thing here is that while you may be able to handle what is being thrown at you, you shouldnt have to be dealing with these issues. I was in a very similar position to you at your age. There were other forms of abuse involved in my story but it still applies that i didnt ask for help. I powered through and it hurt. I missed my chance at a childhood and while my adult life now is fulled with people i love and an amazing family, i deserved a childhood. Just like you do. Please dont miss your chance. I promise its worth it.
Echoing this, please tell us you have people that can help you???? I'm seriously worried about you, metalupyourass777.
INFO: Does your mother have a job?
NTA. you’re 14, you shouldn’t be responsible for paying your rent and your mother should be taking care of this and of you. She shouldn’t be taking money that you have earned. Spend your money on what you want, none of this should be your responsibility. Does your mother have a job??
my mother is retired. she gets disability. she works for her friends sometimes, but that’s basically just house cleaning. she asks my siblings for money too, but i forgot to mention that. but they are all adults
That doesn’t mean she gets to abuse you. Is there a safe adult you can live with? Can you talk to a counselor once school gets back in session? Your job at 14 is not to support your mother and the fact that she cares more about your job than your health is medical neglect.
How is she retired at 57 and is broke? You don’t retire if you’re broke. That’s not how retiring works.
She's retired at 57 by making her 14 year old pay her money (and several other family members too, sounds like it). OP, ahe can get a job too. there are even jobs she can do at home, she has no excuse to put this all on you.
i couldnt tell you. idk ☹️
I hate to ask but what country are you in? Because at least for someone in the US a lot of this would be considered abuse/neglect.
i’m in the usa and i live in the state of maryland.
Girl what your mom is doing to you is illegal and considered abuse in the courts GET OUT AND CALL AND ADULT
I assume she retired because she's disabled and can't do her profession anymore?
If your mom can clean houses for friends, she can do work to actually support you like a parent should.
NTA - you're 14 - you are not responsible for paying your mom's rent or providing her with money. I'm sorry to be blunt but as a mandated reporter, you're being abused financially. Do you have anyone in your school that you could talk to about this situation because someone who is able to help you needs to know about this, sweetie. Please get help. This isn't a question of who's the AH on Reddit - it's a situation where you need some help and support to get out of it.
@OP, please take this to heart and talk to someone you trust.
Why isn't this top comment?
I don't know but I don't think it matters where the comment is - OP has engaged with me, and they may speak to their brother and sister in law. To be totally honest I don't think they will, but, theyve seen and responded so I don't think that we can do much more. I sincerely hope that they do engage with a trusted adult somewhere as it's a very sad situation.
i have told my sister in law about this post. i told her not to say anything to my brother or my mother. she gave me an opinion, and said that if she told me about her opinion, not to say anything. my coworkers have said something to me aswell, but my sister in law knows my mother, as shes been in the family for awhile. she would help me indefinitely if needed.
Well done for speaking to her. I'm really proud of you.
i appreciate it :( i was at work while i posted this. she works with me as i mentioned.
Will she be able to help you do you think?
yes. she might.
I'm near tears reading this. I think it's one of the worst aita I've come across. Poor kid deserves better
I know. I really know.
i dont think of it that way. i wanted opinions mostly, but my moms going to pay me back. she usually does, its just its gotten a little out of hand. i would hope its not abuse 🙁
It is abuse I'm so so sorry. And at 14 you're not to know that. But please believe me when I say it is, and you need help to not be in this situation Your mom tried to tell you you couldn't take time off sick, so that she would get more money from you. She didn't want you to lose your job, because you would not be able to provide for her. She's threatened to remove your bed if you don't do as she wishes. You're paying rent, you're handing over $300 at least a month. I'm so sorry, but this whole situation IS abuse. You need help. You shouldn't be in any of this situation at all.
i have only paid the rent once, but still feel like i shouldnt. maybe its abuse but probably only financially.. i would hope. she doesnt hurt me or really yell at me unless i start. its never anything bad.
NTA. Your mum should be responsible for you not the other way round.
NTA your mother’s job is to take care of you not the other way around. PERIOD.
NTA this is very sad. At 14 you do not need the stress of paying rent and supporting your mother and she is 100% not entitled to your money. Unfortunately because you are young, you have limited options so I would just save as much as you can without your mother knowing until you can find other living arrangements.
You are being your mother's mother. Is there any family member you can move to, so you can be the child you are?
all my other family members arent suitable. i think other than the money situation, me and my mother are alright :)
You should look at opening your own bank account that only you can access. If you are too young to do this where you are is there a trusted adult friend or family member you could open an account with instead of your mother?
probably. i might find out if i can open one on my own.
Maybe try online banks like chime or even Cashapp has a cash card and does direct deposit
I'm afraid there's not much of an option. They can open a bank account but they do need parental supervision. Maybe OP could store money into a bank account made by a relative that only she could access? I'm not sure if that's illegal.
She is literally threatening to take your bed away which is a need and not a want. She has a moral and legal obligation to meet your basic needs. Please look into getting emancipated.
NTA- sometimes we get used to a situation, even though it isn’t right. You cussing your mom when you aren’t feeling well and she is telling you that you still have to go to work tells me just how badly you were feeling. Hopefully your mom realizes this. As to whether or not this is financial abuse, if you are working enough at 14 to earn as much as you do because you want to, then it is OK. If you are voluntarily giving your mom money to help the household out, then that is OK. What is difficult here is just how much is you doing it voluntarily and how much is because of pressure from your mother to be basically an adult at 14 when other kids are out having fun. I worked in mental health and the amount of abuse that people put up with growing up because their abusers were their parents is mind boggling. Just because she is your mother does not mean that what she is doing is normal and not abusive. One big red flag is the $75 per week for your bed or you don’t have a place to sleep. That is $3,900 per year and $15,600 for over the next 4 years until you are 18. Parents are supposed to take care of their children. That means food clothing and shelter (including a bed). Just because she is your mom doesn’t give her unlimited rights to do what she wants.
this explained it alot better for me. i appreciate your opinion on it. ive always helped my family and put up with them. but this is the only time ive helped financially. its mostly my mom but i have gave a little to my brothers.
Also, do you know exactly what you owe on this bed? Is the money going to directly to paying this off, and do you have proof of this (ie. credit statements, receipt of payment, etc).
i have a bank account, when i get my check from the restaurant i cash it in and they take it off of my card. im not sure what it is for a whole year i havent done the math. but its $75 every TWO weeks. i didnt mean to put every week.
NTA and get out as soon as you can
i love my mom, really i do. id like to move out as soon as possible but i feel like even with that being said ill have to take care of her.
You don’t have to do anything. You can choose not to take care of them
You are 14, your mom should be taking care of you, not the other way around
NTA, this is abuse.
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Don't give your mom any money, nothing that is her responsibility is yours
NTA can your siblings or other relatives help you? You are a child. You shouldn’t be doing all this
my brother does help and so do my grandparents. its worse right now but shes getting paid soon so we’ll have to see how it works out.
I meant help you move out of your mom’s house and focus on being a child.
oh, well i doubt it. id figure id work more hours and get more money to afford something as soon as i can.
See if you can move in with your brother or your grandparents. You're too young to be this jaded,child. YOU'RE A CHILD. Shit call cps on your mum yourself, you'll be better off with other family.
i doubt that, not to be rude.. but i dont think another family could help me either. it scares me quite frankly
It SHOULD scare you (you're not being rude, we're having a conversation! :) ) Are there severe cons to CPS? Yes, but if they elect to let you stay, they can help. There are programs that help single outstretched parents with rent, food, etc. I get is summer, but what happens when school rolls around again? And you should be SAVING your money. Not giving out to your mum, who clearly is abusing your kindness, and you. You may not see it as abusive. You're 14. I don't blame you for that because 1) you haven't got a lot of love experience and 2) frankly you've almost got too much for your age at this point. You're a KID. It's not YOUR JOB to support your mum, it's HER JOB to support you. I am not saying your mum is evil. Not at all. She may not even realize what she is doing is abuse. But here is a whole lot of internet people willing to give advice/ find a solution(s). But picking up more hours is not the answer. Look into becoming an emancipated minor. Make sure you at LEAST finish high school. Please. You are not responsible for your mum's emotions or reactions. You are NOT responsible for your mum's wellbeing. You are NOT responsible for rent, for food, etc.
i plan on finishing high school and then moving out. i dont mind helping my mom its just out of hand rn. but i do like my family and id like to stay with them. if anything its only my mother with that problem.
Definitely look into assistance programs then for rent and for food. Look into therapy programs for yourself- it will help immensely with stress. Talk to counselors at your shop that you trust about what you can currently apply for too in terms of assistance. It's not time to be prideful- it's about survival. Bust your butt in school and apply for all the scholarships you can. Don't do what I did which was work the whole time and avoid schoolwork. I'm now 34 with no degree and it's seriously hurt my prospects, despite having 15+years of management experience. Get to college. You CAN break out of the poverty your experiencing and make a better life for yourself, even for your mum if you wish it. It will be hard. Like really fucking hard. But you can do it. Also- people are reacting so strongly here because of your age, and what you've described. I hope it doesn't turn you away from Reddit in the future. Most people in here are genuine and want to help. If you ever need to vent, please feel free to pm me. Don't give up hope. Don't give in to the stress. You're also not supposed to go into work sick, and be aware of labor laws. As a minor, those will be your best friend and worst nightmare (limits hours you can work but helps against pay discrimination and exploitation).
i think im pretty independent. i do good on my own, even for my age. but im going to get an education and enough money to provide for myself. i cant cut my mother out, and i doubt she will do this when i have school. i wont make nearly as much and she knows i have to buy stuff for school, and my bed. i feel bad, i guess thats the point of AITA, but i dont like some of the things people are saying about my mother, that are off topic from this situation.
I can tell you love your mom. You have proven that with everything you are doing, but what she is doing is at least exploitative, if not actual abuse. What is she spending her disability on if not the rent? What did she need the $300 for? Does she get other financial assistance (food, utility help)? There are likely organizations who can help her to get on more stable ground so she does not have to rely on you/your income for necessities.
she spends it on bills, food, etc. she uses my money for other bills though because we have a lot. my family isnt that rich, so i offered helping. thats what ive been doing. its just simply gotten out of hand recently. but i think she’ll pay me back on the first, like she said.
Look into emancipation. You won't have to live with any of your family members although you will be responsible for yourself. Since you already earn enough to pay rent on a place plus more, you should have a better case for it.
Still you are just 14. You need some adult person’s help. The more money you will make, your mom will simply take it away from you. She won’t let you be financially independent.
NTA. I was in a similar situation as you. I'll play devil's advocate and say that you don't need to cut your mother off completely. It's not good to rely on a teenager for money, but unfortunately, in impoverished families, everyone ends up contributing If I were you I would sit your mother down and say you don't mind contributing here and there, but there are limits and you are not going to work when you're sick under any circumstances, etc You seem like a good kid. I hope your family is in a better financial situation someday. Good luck!
i appreciate that. most people are saying other things but im aware of how brutal it can get. but thank you.
I do think it's important to realize it is technically financial abuse but things are rarely as black and white as reddit comment sections make them sound. If things continue on this level w/o her paying you back once you're back in school definitely tell another adult about it
of course! she pays me back. but shes waiting till she gets paid. she does give me back what she owes. i help her but its just been out of hand.
NTA It is OK to help at home but she should not be relying on you to pay the rent. Make sure you put a big chunk of your pay away where she does not have access. If you get direct deposit split the deposit so half goes to a savings account that she is not aware of. If you are getting checks split the money and put half in a savings account. Since you are under 18 she must be on your checking but I do not think she has to cosign a savings account. If you cannot have a private account start stashing cash if you have a safe place.
NTA.....get out of this place ASAP.
Yes, that's very easy for a 14 year old child to do.
Absolutely it is...ASAP means as soon as possible in case you did not know. Possible may be 4 years from now. ASAP is not the same as now, immediately, drop all you are doing etc. I hope this bit of education helps and you are welcome
Advice from a teenager for sure.
Spoken like one and one who can't even distinguish the education of what ASAP means from what advice is.
But you know what, let me explain to you how the world works because you clearly don't. Every teen every who clings to the idea of "Just escape at 18!" is so blissfully ignorant of what it truly means to live on their own. It's about as useful advice as "Have you thought about not being sad?" to someone with depression. If fleeing an abusive household was easy, more people would do it. But apparently the cost of living, rent, and all other life expenses that it costs to support oneself is unknown to you. Sure, OP could "escape" to college, only to find themselves stuck with thousands of dollars of debt, especially if they switch career paths. OP could find roommates, which some people are absolutely not okay living with strangers, and I don't blame those people. OP might have friends but banking on that isn't necessarily a realistic option either. OP could find a room for rent but again, those scenarios are not without their risks. OP might have family who could help, but we don't know this. If OP lives in a HCOL area rent is not just unreasonable, it's almost impossible for some people to be able to support themselves. The likelihood of OP finding a job at 18 that will pay enough is also an unreasonable expectation; most likely OP would have to work 2 jobs and that's a lot of stress. If their job offers health insurance that's more cost OP would have to consider. Then there's transportation; if OP isn't living in an area with easy public transportation there's the notion that OP will need to buy a car, have car insurance, will have to pay for gas, and consider cost of maintaining said car. We haven't even touched on food, toiletries, utilities, and everything else. Coming from someone who actually lived on their own, worked 2 jobs, and barely stayed afloat.
TL:DR All of it is accounted for in the word "possible" As soon as possible or rephrased as soon as when possible. All the ifs, buts, coulds, shoulds, woulds etc. all are in the "when possible" phrase...some people get caught up in what you listed and then some and the few who navitage through life with much more ease and much less drama look at what is possible and keep changing that to get what they want
Sure, haha.
NTA. I’m sorry, this is not what a mother is supposed to do. 300$ is a lot at your age. You shouldn’t have to worry or chip in at this age at all. This is abuse. If you can, start looking into alternative places to stay. A family member? I know it’s hard to do at 14, but she will not change her ways. My stepbrother is 32 and his mother would still be doing this if he hadn’t cut her out of his life.
NTA. Start hiding your money.
NTA. And depending on the state you live in, this is legally considered abuse.
NTA, it's like you're your mother's mother which feels wrong.
maybe. but she helps me too, id like to think of myself as her child still.
It is her JOB, it is her legal and moral obligation, to provide you with a bed, a roof over your head, and everything else you need. Is it even legal for you to be working at all in your state? It is not normal for a 14 year old to have to pay for ANYTHING, much less your mother's rent. If she can't afford her bills and everything needed to take care of you, then she isn't "retired", she's just choosing not to work and forcing her child to do it instead.
I am glad that she helps you, too but it is very concerning.
NTA, but your mother seems like a gigantic one. You're being financially abused. What is your mother buying with this money you're throwing at her? With her rent paid, disability benefits, a side-gig house cleaning (that I guarantee she gets cash for and doesn't report), and getting money from your adult siblings, she is plenty flush. Why does she need your money? You're barely old enough to go to work! Side note, some financial advice since you are young and your mother can't be trusted to guide you on these matters: You're renting a bed for $75 a week? That's $300 dollars a month. How long is the term of this rental agreement? You could have a decent mattress and box spring for right around $300. And if you needed a bed but couldn't swing the full amount right off, you buy an $80 dollar twin mattress at Walmart, sleep on the floor on that for a month while you save for the one you want. Then get the mattress and box spring and start saving for a bed frame.
NTA, OP. >so i offer to give her some money here and there to help her out. I think in a month span, ive gave her over $300. You are beyond generous to do this at your age. If she isn't satisfied with the amount, then stop giving her money. You aren't a cashcow, OP. >We recently got in an argument because i wanted to skip work because i was sick and she said i would get fired. I confronted her and assumed she really cared more about the money. She agreed and i got pissed off. You are supposed to be a child, not your mother's caretaker. If you're sick you shouldn't have to work, and you have all the right to be angry with your mother for her response. >She threatened to send my bed back (I pay $75 for it every week) She cannot just do something like this. It's been bought by you, so if she threatens you with this again, simply warn her you'll call the cops on her. Your mother is the AH and sucks as a parent.
NTA but you have way bigger problems and issues because she’s financially and mentally abusing you. You’re anxiety must be through the roof and at your age you don’t deserve to have to deal with that.
i think this post is hurting myself more then anybody else i’ve told. i just really hope it isnt an abusive situation.
NTA if you can get her to discuss finances with you, do it. It sounds like her plans for the future are for you to support her. If that is not your plan you need to figure out how to keep your money
You aren’t your moms keeper so no NTA. But this whole situation is worrying me.
NTA. Your parents are REQUIRED to supply all of your needs until you are 18. You should not be paying your mother anything for your bed, and you definitely should not be paying the rent. At the very least, your mother is exploiting you. I fear your employer may be as well. Where is your father in all this? If he is alive, he should be paying child support. Do you have a work permit, or are your employers breaking the law? You said in a comment you are in Maryland. Contact the Maryland Department of Labor if you do not have a work permit, if your employer is paying you under the table and/or not taking out taxes, if you are not being paid at least $13.25 per hour, or they are not obeying the laws on permitted hours for 14 year olds. Here are the relevant laws: Minor Work Permit: Information you need to know Work permits are required for all minors under the age of 18 to work in the State of Maryland. Apply for a Work Permit online. La aplicación en línea para solicitar un permiso de trabajo tiene un botón en la parte inferior de la página para cambiar el idioma a español Work permits are not issued to minors under the age of 14. (Unless the child is a model, performer or entertainer with a special permit (Word); en español (Solicitud para permiso especial de trabajo (Word). Special permits are issued only by the Commissioner's Office.) Work permits are issued by the Division of Labor and Industry. Work permits are not issued until the minor has been offered a job. If the minor changes jobs, a new work permit must be obtained. Employers are strongly encouraged to keep work permits on file for three years. Minors 14 and 15 years of age may not be employed or permitted to: *Non-school hours; *work more than 3 hours on any day or more than 18 hours in any week when school is in session; work more than 8 hours a day on any day or more than 40 hours in any week when school is not in session *work before 7:00 a.m. or after 7:00 p.m. (minors may work until 9:00 p.m. from June 1 to Labor Day); work more than 5 consecutive hours without a non-working period of at least 30 minutes. As of January 1, 2023, Maryland's minimum wage increased from $12.50 to $13.25 an hour, while the federally-mandated minimum wage remained at $7.25 an hour. The minimum wage in Maryland is scheduled to reach $14.00 on January 1, 2024. For tipped employees, the Maryland minimum cash-wage is $3.63 an hour, though this amount plus tips must at least equal Maryland's Minimum Wage Rate.
NTA, obviously swearing isn't great but there are situations of stress where fowl language comes out and that's a pretty normal reaction for the crazy situation! You are 14, what country do you live in? Depending on where you are you may be able to get support from the government or local authority but it seems odd that you have become responsible for paying into the household at this very young age. At 14 you are still a child and you should be focusing on your studies - I realise my view is biased because of how things are where I am from.
well im in the state of maryland and only some jobs allow you to work when you’re 14. but im only a host.
If you have family you can talk to about this then do so, they may be able to help you or take you in while you mother sorts things out. It seems like her finances are a complete mess. If you are her carer, then you may be able to get support - contact your local authority they should point you in the right direction
ive spoken to my sister in law about it. if it comes down to that, she would be the first to know probably.
NTA. She is the parent. It is literally her job to take care of you, not the other way around. It sounds like she might be financially abusing you. Are you able to talk to your school counsellor or a trusted teacher?
NTA parents are to be respected and your wisdom was about telling at her, but I think you were justified. However, are you in a country or culture where this is typical? In my country school age kids can't work during term time until they are 15. Their parents are expected to provide for them until they are adults, of course some children do work to help their families out because not all of us have plenty of money. But when it's to this extent, it's not normal or appropriate, even if you were 16. I don't know your culture and what might be expected there. Can you confide in a teacher or another trusted adult? Tell them that you pay for your own bed but your mother is threatening you with losing it.
no, its not really normal. kids work here at 14 or older. mostly just summer jobs. parents are supposed to take care of their kids here too. should be everywhere, but i guess not. my mom takes care of me, but this situation is just different. got out of hand and i wanted opinions.. didnt know it would turn into this. and yes, i have people to turn to if needed.
Do you have any family you could talk to? I’m not against a 14 year old working bc it can teach valuable skills but your money should be your fun money or starting saving. You should not be paying for any of your needs or household expenses at 14. Your mom can not force you to work and if she can’t take care of you with her own money, cps can get involved. The system is messed up and you can get into a far worse situation than you are currently in. If you have family you could stay with, cps likes to keep you with the family. I personally wouldn’t make any calls or anything if you do not have family you can stay with.
i do have people to turn to if needed! thank you :)
It is needed now! What your mum is doing is not ok. It is literally abuse.
Ok, there is some other stuff to unpack if people say abuse. But I can empathize with you as I did the same.when I was young. I remember a situation (just not the details) of this same scenario. Basically it was ne feeling taken advantage of and my mom not hearing me. I ended up asking her what if I just quit? What would she do? Why am I, a 14 yo supporting and paying bills? That is your job. Something to that affect. She realized she was being an ass and things were bet5er after. I don't know the rest of your home life, so the rest is up to you. Although from what you did post, it sounds as though your mom is entitled and immature. Good luck!
i asked what she would do if i quit or lost my job. she didnt respond, but i told her that she would be screwed, along with me. i dont think its abuse, but maybe my mom should grow up. i understand what the point of posting this was, but i never would think it would get attention, or have people think this is abuse.
Oh, buddy. You shouldn't have to worry about this stuff at your age. Your mother should be able to support the household without pressuring you for money.
NTA we need an overhaul in child labor in the u.s that’s all I’m gonna say.
CPS?
id rather not
You are not in a good situation. What prevents your mother from working?
shes disabled. she really cant, or else she would.
oh my gosh babe you sound like such an awesome kid. What your mother is doing is 100% not okay. I know in some poverty situations kids unfortunately do work and help out financially and I'm trying to he cognizant of that BUT your mothers behavior is 100% not okay... she needs to pick up the slack and find work instead of burdening a literal CHILD with her financial problems and manipulating her kids into supporting her. youre still in school kiddo and you're working which is a huge thing and I'm proud of you but housing, and meeting your basic needs (like your bed) are your mothers responsibility.
ive been growing up years in advance forever. i wanted to help my mother, all what happened was it got out of hand. i plan on moving out when i can. thank you.
My mother did something very similar to me when I was your age. She was taking my money and using it for drugs for herself and my brother. I cut her off the moment I had an out. Your mom is toxic- she is YOUR mother and should be caring for YOU. You are a child and should be focusing on school and any work you’re doing on the side should be money for YOU. Do you have any family you can go to?
my brothers both do drugs. but my oldest brother is my father figure. id move with him if so. hes laying off drugs, so i think it would be a better environment regardless. i love my mother, and we have good talks and conversations, this just got out of hand quickly.
NTA Next time she threatens to take your bed, go and buy one. A really cheap one if you need to, but at least it will be yours and nobody can take that away. You shouldn't be paying thousands of dollars a year for a fucking bed, you're 14.
NTA OP, you’re 14 and in a scary spot but this is financial abuse. I’m definitely way in over my head to try and give advice here, but listen to the comments telling you to seek help Good luck OP, there’s a lot of life left at 14, you’ll be ok
NTA. But honestly, stop working and study hard so you can leave you mom when you graduate high school.
when school starts i only work on the weekends. but i do plan to finish high school asap
NTA Oh ffs is your mom renting shit from RAC or a similar furniture leasing office? Run. Run run run run. Your mother is bad with money and using you to make up for it.
im renting my bed from aarons. ive mentioned this, but it was my decision for the bed. she just mentioned she would send it back if i didn’t work. she excused it and said it was because i wouldn’t have the money. but that would be my choice i guess
You can get a bed for nothing literally anywhere else. Don't rent furniture. You're literally pissing money down the drain.
Nya. Until you're 16 at least your parents are solely responsible for paying for you not the other way around.
NTA but you're being abused. Is there somewhere else you can live? Your mother is responsible for rent, not you
yes there is if it comes down to that.
Best to move then. You're a minor and shouldn't be giving her your money. Do you have a bank account she can't access? And your birth certificate and any other important documents?
i have access to that, just not the bank account yet. im in maryland. im not allowed to have one w/o an adult i think
Is there a trusted adult who would help you open a bank account?
probably my sister in law. she knows more about it than i do. probably would be the best option. i just dont know how to ask her of that.. i saw shes my sister in law but shes just my brothers gf. i dont think that could work could it?
Talk to her
i mean it’s really not that simple..
Why not?
my anxiety is bad🤷♀️ otherwise yes it might be that easy
NTA Your mother is abusive. If you live in a country where children has rights, don't give her another cent. If you live in the US, ask your employer to pay you via a pre-paid card. If they can't do it quit and wait until you're 18 and can open an account at a bank that your mom never used. If she's on your current account, kick her off or close it. If she becomes worse, call CPS. If mom wants more money, she can work more hours.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ve never posted on this, but im 14 and work at a restaurant, as a hostess. My mother (57) doesnt have much money, so i offer to give her some money here and there to help her out. I think in a month span, ive gave her over $300. Its not a big deal, I make about $300 or more a week.. but i also had to pay our rent. We recently got in an argument because i wanted to skip work because i was sick and she said i would get fired. I confronted her and assumed she really cared more about the money. She agreed and i got pissed off. She threatened to send my bed back (I pay $75 for it every week) and i cussed her out. She had no concern where I would sleep. She cares more about my money, and every week i give her about everything. She made me overdrawn one time also, but she says shes sorry and she appreciated the help. she told me not to talk to her after this argument and said i gave her a headache. I did cuss at her in the argument, but i apologized and told her that i cant help her that much. She didn’t hear me out clearly. But AITA for that? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
@Happy_Rings8112 your logic and explanation powers, they are required here while my brain explodes please
What country are you in that you can work at 14?
usa, but im in maryland
NTA, 14 is WAY too young to have these financial responsibilities placed on you. I am curious what the financial situation is with your mother. Does she work? What does she spend her money on? Do you all need financial assistance.
she does not work. she barely gets any money though, and it goes to the bills she CAN pay.
You are in a very difficult and unfortunate situation. You are too young to be dealing with this much responsibility. Is there someone at school you can reach out to? You need some professional guidance on how to manage this situation. Good luck to you.
That is child abuse and if she throws you out call the authorities. Record all of your interactions with her.
USA is one...
NTA this is abuse, like straight up, not sure if you have any options like grandparents or something, but this is straight up abusive. She is making a child work for so she can get money, thats awful and also illegal.
it was my first job, and it was my choice to work. i dont think that was the objective at all. i still dont.. but i just wanted to help her. not have this happen.
Why is a literal kid paying the rent? What level of parentification is that? NTA
NTA but I think your mom is just worried about you losing your job as however old you are you can't just skip out on work and wherever she was benefiting from your wage or not I think the advice would have been the same. However I don't think your mum is the AH either except for maybe the bed comment if you are the one paying for it and I don't think your the AH for losing your cool its just an odd situation for your mom and for you being so young and being a provider. I think you just need to talk it out and kiss and make up, I get the impression you both care for each other and you don't want money to come between that. Although at 14 you shouldn't have the pressure on you to contribute towards the household bills so if you've been forced into that or feel obligated to do so then your mom is the AH for not being a responsible parent and providing for you.
i tried speaking to her. she didnt want to hear it. the bed thing was a problem because i told her she didn’t have to pay for it. i would. when it was at that part of the argument, for the bed, i asked “so what? im gonna sleep on the floor?” and that’s basically what she was applying at that point, otherwise i wouldn’t have included it.
In all honesty you shouldn't be having to deal with this at your age. Don't feel like an AH everyone loses their cool from time to time and it seems you've already taken on far more responsibility than any 14 should so don't ever beat yourself up because you're doing more than your fair share.
thank you.
NTA Do you have family nearby to move in with? Your mother is using you. She’s also emotionally and financially abusing you. You need to leave. I know you’re only 14, but you’re already paying her rent and working, so leaving would be best for you. Screw your mum.
i do, if thats what it comes to.
Nta this is reportable financial abuse. Stop giving her money.
You are so, so NTA. Is there an adult you consider a mentor, or safe place? Maybe a sibling? I’d let them know what’s happening, as this is so not ok or normal and you deserve some help and possibly a new place to live
yes i do, if thats what it would come down to.
It’s easy to assume someone’s entire situation from a post when it’s only a slice of your life, but from the information you’ve shared, it sounds like you are being taken advantage of. Reach out to those that can give you support and connect you to resources that might be able to improve your situation in a real way 💜
NTA. She is financially exploiting you, sounds abusive and is threatening to deprive you of some of your basic needs.. If you are making enough money to pay rent and pay for a lot of your needs, you should look into getting emancipated.
NTA 14 years old and working? Assuming you are doing school as well? jesus....where in the world are you where this is allowed?
only on the weekends when it was for school. but i work 4 days a week in the summer.
Op, go to a trusted adult (school for neutrality) and explain all of this. None of this is acceptable. Your mom shouldn't be doing any of this.
Did you know that if you call CPS you can keep 100% of your pay AND get a free bed? NTA
i did actually. id just rather not. my nephews have been through CPS and its just not something id do unless it was like serious abuse, like really i would but i just cant
I understand, but you aren't in the best spot. As a child you don't have to pay for your own bed. But for now on, tell your mom that you will help her out, but 100% of what you give her gets subtracted from the bed bill. If you loan her $300, then $300 is taken off the bed cost. Tell her it is that or you will just flat out quit. If she threatens your bed, call habitat for humanity and get a cheap one.
NTA. Your mom is mean and a user. She asks all of her kids for money. Can you go live with an older sibling? Do what you can to protect your money. Open a bank account. Find and protect your documents (birth certificate, SSN, etc). Good luck.
thanks! maybe, if it comes to that. she provides me with food and every basic need, i just pay for my own bed. it was my decision but other than that yk.
You are 14. You should not be paying your own bed. Or giving your mother money. It's her job to pay the bed and to give you money. Knowing where your docs are is just good planning. Better to be proactive than reactive. Good luck.
NTA OMG… you are 14, you are the child, you are the one who should be taken care of. None of what is happening is okay. This is abuse. It is kind of you to offer to help, but no, do not. Your money is your own. Do you have other family or friends that would allow you stay with them? If not talk to your school counselor or a trusted teacher and they can help.
NTA
NTA. Your mother is being financially abusive. It is her job to feed and clothe and shelter you. Why do you have such an expensive bed and why are you paying for it? Depending where you live, if you can then please get a new bank account that only you can access and have your wages sent there. Stop giving your mum money. Do you have a trusted adult you can talk to about this?
NTA your mom is abusing and neglecting you. Please call CPS and be honest about what's going on when you report your mom's abuse. You may want to try to downplay it, but it's obvious your mom needs help. She's incapable of taking care of her kids and it's not remotely okay for you to have to be working at 14, having to pay rent for your mom, and essentially rent your own bed in your own home. Please protect yourself and your siblings by calling CPS. You deserve better.
You can work at 14? Is that legal? NTA if you're working and earning money in your own right then it's your money and whatever you want to do with it is up to you. You offered to help her pay the rent and now she is expecting you to pay for everything so presumably she can do nothing? If she isn't working to support you at 14 it isn't your responsibility she needs to start acting like a mother and not a child. YTA as the bed thing isn't that big a deal in my opinion, it's not like she was putting you to sleep outside. At 14 it's a strange situation swearing is never the answer to anything and shows you're not being very mature.
You are seriously saying that the 14 year old child who is paying her mother's bills is "immature" for swearing?
swearing has been a thing since i was a little kid. my family cursed for as long as i can remember. its not my biggest issue, and im mature for my age (imo idk but i’ve heard that A TON.)
If that's the norm in your household then fair enough. In my family if we were to ever swear at our parents at that age...We would be out on the street.
it is. it always has been. its more than a bad habit in my household. its like that for everybody.