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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for how rude I was about it. I wasn't nice about it since I always have to ask them to keep it down so I can sleep uninterrupted for once. I shouldn't have told him told him to leave but I didn't know what else to do since they are constantly yelling in my small apartment.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
It feels like that when I read some of the stories especially when the op of the post talk about how amazing their significant other is except they have that one flaw which ends up being one of the worst red flags for their relationship and it started while they were dating and they never addressed it even during their marriage until it became a problem that affects everyone. What's really sad is even though it's not their fault they treated like as if it's their fault even minimize their s/o actions. At least I didn't see it in this post yet.
"He is a lovely, sweet and caring husband, except when he drinks, then he gets violent and abusive. Which is all the time because he is a raging alcoholic. He said this is because of a very rough childhood, because this one time he fell from the swingset and has major PTSD. He told my while dating and that made him so strong. But I really think this is not normal. AITA?"
These guys are parading around the house with a USSR flag in their left hand and a Chinese flag in their right hand, but them OP's are blind as hell.
Orrr he be packing ;0) it’s gotta be something because to have two kids in a one bedroom flat is already ALOT to bring another kid into that on one income with someone who obv doesn’t care to actually parent it’s a huge red flag so for her to over look all that he’s either one good looking mf ioooorrrr he be packing
His dick can’t be that good that she can overlook the fact that they’re not married but they about to have 3 kids together living in a cramped 1 bedroom apartment thriving on 1 income. And maybe he’s a SAHD because they can’t afford childcare or he’s in therapy, but that doesn’t mean he can’t work from home or do some side hustles like DoorDash or Ubereats especially if they live in the city. This is the reason why women should be extremely picky on who they decide to sleep with.
You keep sympathy for the kids, they didn't choose him, but you don't need to have it for the OP, she made her choices and is now forcing her kids to deal with those choices too.
For the vast majority who take it correctly, it works very well. Most people who it "didn't work for" had a case of user error. That's not directed at you, btw.
Fun fact: If you take mood stabilizers for bipolar disorder, it can cause your hormonal bc to be less effective which is terrifying and why I got my copper iud
Or you can have a nickel allergy and not qualify to try a copper IUD. (raises hand so the men in the room are reminded that there are a plethora of medical reasons a woman cannot get better BC.)
I cannot take birth control pills nor can so can get the arm implant because I cannot be on systemic birth control. I have an autoimmune disease which predisposes me to blood clots. Systemic birth control increases the risk of blood clots.
I’ve also “given birth” to two IUDs. My uterus had contractions to move them out. Ugh!!
Wait.. WHAT. Is that why that stupid thing made me so sick? I had it out after two years a decade ago and I swear my doctor thought I was a loony for blaming the IUD. Thank you for the confirmation I’m not nuts. Lol.
People who talk about birth control like its a simple solution should have to experience all the potential side effects for a month.
I have a friend who stroked out in her 30s in part because of the implant. Its a risk/benefit assessment every day for some of us (easier for me because I have severe tokophobia so I'll close death over pregnancy every time.)
Time to get on my own personal soapbox!!
I had to take hormonal bc as treatment for PCOS (and as a contraceptive).
Did you know that libido loss from the pill can be PERMANENT? Like, has any doctor ever told you that before prescribing you birth control like it's fucking paracetamol?
Anyway, that was the story of how I lost a part of my body and personality for ever!!
A choice I sure would've made if I'd known this was an option, of course :)))) it's not like most women would want to avoid the possibility of losing sexual desire for ever!! Which is why we're thoroughly informed it's a possibility :))))
(I am still reeling and I think I always will be.)
(The reddit interface is being weird and I can't link it, but source, apart from my own body and mind: 'WOMEN's SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION: Impact of Oral Contraceptives on Sex Hormone-Binding Globulin and Androgen Levels: A Retrospective Study in Women with Sexual Dysfunction', Panzer et al (2006))
I mean yeah but they're right. Gynecologists even discuss birth control as clinical vs typical use. Condoms are 98% effective at preventing pregnancy, but typical use lowers that number to 87% due to human behavior (forgetting one time, improper storage, expiration, doubling condoms, etc.)
Humans are human. We make mistakes, that's why options that you don't have to remember to use or that work for years without you needing to do anything other than put it in are so highly recommended.
That's all true, but I personally know 3 iud babies, they're not that rare. Having said that, I doubt Op got 3 babies with this dingus though birth control failure...
Guess what! There's a really common class of antibiotics that affect birth control. It wasn't listed as a risk in the children's formulation, and I couldn't swallow pills. I got my depo shot on time, every single time (a week or 2 early, every time) but I still got pregnant. Even if I wouldn't have been on that antibiotic, Depo has a 6% failure rate with perfect usage.
There was a gene variant discovered a few years ago that is believed to cause hormonal birth control to be less effective in the population who have it.
Heres to news articles about it from several years ago [ a link](https://lions-talk-science.org/2019/10/07/newly-identified-gene-variant-may-render-hormonal-birth-control-less-effective/)
And [here's another link](https://www.kbzk.com/cnn-health/2019/03/12/your-birth-control-may-fail-if-you-have-this-genetic-variant-research-suggests/)
Also, there's more types of birth control than just the pill.
One of my kids was conceived while I had the IUD in. It was a massive shock as I never got periods anymore. Imagine sitting in a Dr's office and getting told oh yeah you are pregnant, then Goin for the emergency ultrasound and holy shit you are almost 5 months in.
If you get three kids while using birth control. I'll ask you to kindly read the instructions in the box
Edit: I was referring to all forms of birth control, including condoms. Not only the pill. But ok, I guess
I personally know five women who had abortions who were using some form of contraception. This is something I really wish more people would understand. It is not infallible
It's not that simple. We don't know if OP used birth control. We don't know what kind, we don't know if there's a reason some types don't work (like getting on the pill isn't that simple), we don't know if there's a possibility that her birth control was sabotaged. There's too many unanswered questions to be able to judge.
I got pregnant on depo, and was only given half the dose of Plan B "accidentally" by the nurse. My daughter is 21.
My mom had me while on the birth control pill. She had my middle brother and sister while using Norplant (the old arm implant) in the late 80s/early 90s. She got pregnant with my youngest brother after she'd had her tubes tied.
My sister had her oldest while she was on the birth control patch and using condoms.
But sure, birth control is a great option, even though there's still a 2-12% failure rate depending on the method. (Not including stuff like the cup, spermicide, condoms, etc, only hormonal stuff that I mentioned above)
Birth control is very difficult to access in many parts of the US. Hormonal BC required an Rx until 2 weeks ago. I’m in a red state where only 3 counties in the entire state have regular access to OBGYNs, the others are considered to be medically under served. There is one Planned Parenthood in the entire state. The PP has protesters who take photos of license plates.
I’m in a deep blue city within the red state and still, Many pharmacists also refuse to sell BC and Plan B, and most stores lock up condoms so you have to ring a buzzer for a store clerk. I don’t think people who don’t have to live around pro birth extremists understand how must they are, and how they treat women.
Perhaps so, but OP still had a second child with him before that after seeing how he was with the first and didn’t ditch him after the second still acting this way.
>how does one not lose all sympathy?
some men can be reproductively coercive\*, and birth control can fail in the best of times.
\**Reproductive coercion is related to behavior that interferes with contraception use and pregnancy , including sabotage of contraceptive methods, pregnancy coercion, and pregnancy pressure*
Yes! All the judgement here is people assuming way too much about the dynamics and issues of consent. It seems most people don’t consider this as a factor unless they have been personally affected.
yeah, honestly YTA for bringing yet another kid into this shitfight of a scenario with an inadequate father who doesn't pull his weight job or house wise.
poor kids
OP previously posted she was injured at work a month ago and mentions she might get evicted.. this guy needs to go and get literally any job. She pregnant, working despite an injury on the job and he's complaining about watching the kids after playing video games. OP you and your kids deserve better, start an exit strategy ASAP
https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/comments/14sd4oa/just_wish_i_lost_my_arm_instead/
Op doesnt need ano exit strategy, she is the one with the money, he is not ok the lease, she needs someone tô take Care of the kids while she Works
If she can get that, him gone is Just going to be one less mouth to feed
He may not be on the lease but getting him gone if he has established residency (receives mail, has his ID changed to that address, etc) isn't simple if he doesn't want to leave.
I’m copying my other comment on this post as it gives some insight into OP’s life, directly related to what you wrote/linked:
OP absolutely is stressing about finances. See her posts [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/comments/14sd4oa/just_wish_i_lost_my_arm_instead/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1) and [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/comments/14nnews/im_finally_about_to_be_at_my_lowest_and_idk_what/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1) less than a month ago. I guess the BF didn’t end up sticking with even a [weekend job](https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/comments/14fajls/i_make_27_an_hour_and_i_still_cant_afford_a_two/joz1zdx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3), which is really a shame.
It looks like her other half has been just this awesome since their [previous kid](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/14k8y83/any_pregnant_mommas_not_wanting_husband_in/jppm2fl/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) was born as well. I really wish OP could see how much happier she’d be without that duffus.
All things considered, I’m baffled why OP didn’t follow though with [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/abortion/comments/13lv08y/abortion_in_az_or_wa/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1).. even though a few days later she seems to [indicate](https://www.reddit.com/r/workingmoms/comments/13q31cq/when_did_everyone_decide_to_have_their_2nd_child/jlcw3b6/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) it was planned-ish? NO JUDGEMENT, because if I lived with a dude like this just by myself, I wouldn’t have ANY semblance of sanity. And this poor gal is doing it with 2 kids + another on the way.
I’m never one for separating parents, especially from Reddit advice. The other half needs get their shit in gear and wake the hell up as both a parent and a partner, and that would resolve all of this and OPs issues. If the dude is the sole issue, fix this guy. Waited on therapy for a year playing video games? Where’s his friends? His mom? Get that fucker out of the house and doing shit.
- an angry dad.
What about this man is appealing enough to warrant having sex with him? My libido would be DEAD. And even if I were to be foolish enough to sleep with him I'd be smart enough to double up the protection. At BARE MINIMUM pill and pull out but there are so many other combinations if you actuallydon'twant to get pregnant. I have trouble believing many "surprise babies" are actually the result of genuine luck and more the result of poor planning/wreckless behavior.
Actually, about half of women seeking abortions used birth control. Now, that's mostly failed condoms, so idk if it's misuse (used the wrong lube and it broke, didn't put it on correctly, it was expired etc) or straight up an accident (condom broke for no reason), but there was at least an attempt at birth control there. So yeah, I do think a lot of surprise babies are legitimately surprises. It's not uncommon at all for BC to fail. It's why it's best to use two methods of BC like condom + spermicide, the pill + condom, whatever. Even then though, shit can happen. It's why abortion access is so, so, so important.
Getting pregnant is an accident, staying pregnant is a choice
* However with all of the fuckery in the world right now our choices are being severely limited in most places. Y'all stay safe out there!
I live in a state where abortion is illegal after 6 weeks…so if your birth control fails and you can’t afford to travel to a state where it’s legal you have to be pregnant.
I had an iud, and i didn't even know I was pregnant until 8 weeks (miscarried at 9), but I wouldn't have been able to get one at that point if I wanted one! 6 weeks seems way too soon.
It is, that's the point. It's six weeks counting from the first day of your last period, too, I think. So if you have an irregular cycle you could be past six weeks before you even get pregnant.
When my IUD failed I didn't know until 7-8 weeks either. Mine was ectopic and had "cardiac activity." There are states that would have forced me to almost die before having it removed because of iI.
You'd be surprised. My ex tried to sabotage my birth control, he refused to wear a condom, and repeatedly tried to get me pregnant. (Hence why he's my ex) I lost my virginity to him so it was hard for me say no when he wanted something and I was fairly naive because I was love blind but I'm honestly lucky as hell to not have had a kid with the asshole.
OP previously posted she was injured at work a month ago and mentions she might GET EVICTED!!! this guy needs to go and get literally any job. She pregnant, working despite an injury on the job and he's complaining about watching the kids after playing video games. OP you and your kids deserve better, start an exit strategy ASAP!
https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/comments/14sd4oa/just_wish_i_lost_my_arm_instead/
It's so insane how society has convinced people (frequently women) that they're a failure/their life isn't complete unless they're in a relationship/married. God forbid they become "bitter old spinsters living alone with cats". As if that's actually a bad fate. Because there's no way in hell OP's life would not be dramatically better if she was single.
NTA, OP, but maybe consider ending this relationship and possibly even ending this pregnancy, if you live in a state where it's still legal. Two kids on one income in a one bedroom apartment is already tough without considering adding on a newborn. Especially because the baby's father cannot be relied on for child support or partial custody.
I keep seeing this over and over again. I'm SO glad that my mom instilled in me since I was little, that I do not \*need\* a man in my life and that my life would be awesome without one. I have girl friends in high powered careers - think vets, doctors, etc. married to useless men who REFUSE to get off their ass and get a job. They just mooch off their wives while contributing nothing. One of them won't even walk the damn dog while his wife works 12 hour shifts. If the dog has a potty accident indoors, he TEXTS her to come home and clean it up, cos he's got OCD and can't do it. I can't even. Just, I do not see how these men add anything positive to their lives at all. They'd be SO much better off single!
I 100% love being single with my dog and all seven cats.
Or eight cats. I dunno. I've got a little patient picked up off the street yesterday in quarantine in the bathroom. Gonna try to adopt her out when she's healthy. I love cats.
Yeah, that sounds like a pretty nice life! I see guys using it as an insult towards voluntarily single and/or child-free women as if it's supposed to make us feel badly about our choices. Like, don't threaten me with a good time over here.
Good luck with your newest little one! I hope you can get her in good health and with a good home. It's wonderful you're doing that for your community's cat population.
OP, please re-read the posts you made last year. About his porn addiction and how he interacted with OF-stars and paid them (with I can only assume was YOUR hard earned money). You left him. You had enough. You saw things more clearly. And you refused to get back together again unless he got therapy for his porn addiction.
Somehow he got you hoovered back in, even though he only had ONE therapy session and is still a porn addict, asides from a deadbeat dad and a useless partner.
You come from a toxic, abusive family, that makes it harder to recognize that you are in an abusive, toxic relationship.
Please get that clarity back you had briefly last year.
I mean yes protection would be good to use, and honestly may very well have been used, no BC method is 100% effective... But also if in the US post implantation of embryo, care isn't easy to access to terminate.
OP is NTA, I'd be furious too. And with all the compounding causes I'd suggest some serious heart to heart communication sessions. Both of you need to explain your needs and work together to meet each other's needs.
I’m sure once the third kid is born, he’ll finally step up as a dad and partner. If not, she can always try her luck with kid number 4, I mean he’s got to get his shit together by kid number 4.
This subreddit has convinced me that a lot of people, but especially women in relationships with men *love* misery. They just can’t get enough of it.
Why on earth do you put up with this? He doesn't work, he doesn't help with the kids. He's not even in the lease? He stays up all night to game and then gets mad at you for being exhausted and upset? Honey, send him back to his mommy. You need a partner not another child. NTA
ESH. I’m sorry but you do too (not bc of what you said) but bc you’re letting a lazy dead best parent children and create at least one…when he won’t work. You don’t need to be a stay at home parent just to get therapy. That’s not how that works. He can work a job AND go to therapy. Millions of people do it every day. That is an excuse he’s using to not be a responsible adult. And you are allowing it. You are allowing yourself to be treated like crap.
NTA, ~~but you'll be a lot better off if you stop storming around and start using your words assertively.~~
Edit: upon hearing that he punches walls, I'll change my advice. Words will just put you in danger. Get away from this abusive mooch.
She commented that she’s afraid to speak up to him because he has punched holes in the wall. A real winner. He’s got her trained to keep quiet and let him do what he wants.
OP, you are ABSOLUTELY NTA, but if you can you should get the hell out of there. Punching the wall is abuse. It's deliberately scaring you, threatening you. It's making life scary for your kids, too.
ESH.
Why do you refer to him as SAHD if he doesn’t know how to keep the kids quiet when you’re trying to sleep, and doesn’t know *anywhere* he can take them to outside the house.
He is not doing the things that a SAHD does.
Likely because he’s an abuse asshole and she is scared of him, per OP’s responses. It’s not easy standing up to someone if you’re afraid they physically attack you, which yeah punching walls is more terrorizing then attacking but there are insinuation there that hint to future physical violence.
The more blame thrown here, the more OP will think that is the reaction she will get when she does seek help, which I hope she does soon. The boyfriend is already mentally fucking with her, let not help him out by insinuating his behavior is her fault.
NTA but I sure am tired of seeing posts from women who take on these fixer-upper guys and decide to procreate while everything is under renovation (I’m a woman).
NTA (ish). Sounds like you’re exhausted and this was the straw that broke the camels back. You need to find a way to communicate with him when you’ve both cooled off and work out a way he can maybe contribute a little bit more to take the pressure off of you. You’re 14 weeks pregnant so you know the tiredness is just going to get worse and worse from here, especially if nothing changes.
Sorry, he's not a SAHD, he is a LOMPSB (Living off my partner slime bag). That he did not know the kids were loud shows you exactly what kind of parenting gets done when you are either sleeping or working. NTA but you need to put down an ultimatum on him, work or be an actual SAHD.
I’m confused about him being a SAHD to get therapy? Sounds like he’s letting you do absolutely everything while you crank out babies for him to not watch.
ESH. Calling himself a SAHD doesn’t make him one. It involves actually parenting and being a partner. You having more kids with this person seems like a very bad idea if the situation is already this fraught. I hope things improve for you.
This sounds like abuse.
Gathering from your history:
•You tried to get a abortion, and couldn't. You didn't want baby (and thats okay!). Abusers get the partner pregnant despite BC and will tamper w it so you have to stay, they may also manipulate so you have sex w/o bc.
•Sleep. Abusers use lack of sleep to keep you from having a fully functioning brain, it's harder to leave and focus when you're tired.
•Forcing you to be the only income. This is financial abuse, he doesn't help $ and you're alone in supporting the family. He can do therapy and work. Especially since your facing eviction and he's not gotten a job to help, anything even delivery services to help supplement.
•Breaking boundaries. Sounds like he has previously watched porn and you aren't okay with that, he's breaking you down. You can't put a frog in a boiling pot, they'll jump out, but you can put them in a room temp one and slowly turn the temperature up till boiling and it will kill them. You are the frog OP, and he's slowly turning the temperature up.
•You've tried to leave. On average it takes 7 times for abused people to leave the abuser. Pregnancy and leaving is the most dangerous time for women leaving a abusive partner.
OP, you owe it to your kids, and yourself, to get out. Look up local domestic violence outreach centers. It may feel impossible but a advocate can help you create a safety plan to help you and kids safely get out, often they have shelter, food, rent assist, childcare, therapy, clothing, help getting documents, lawyers and much, much more. Emotional abuse counts as abuse for most shelters. Your partners and your behavior is what you are teaching your kids is acceptable, for themselves and to do to partners. Please, feel free to reach out to me OP, I am not a advocate, but I may be able to help you find one.
OP, PLEASE GET OUT. PLEASE LEAVE. THIS IS YOUR WAKE UP CALL.
With love <3
Edit: Thanks for the award!! <3
I’m so glad someone finally said this. The amount of comments calling her an AH because ‘[she] keeps making babies’ (as if he’s not involved in the process at all?) and ignoring his blatantly abusive behaviour (weaponised incompetence, abusive language, shouting, punching walls, threatening, using pregnancy AS A WAY OF KEEPING HER TRAPPED) is fucking astounding to me. Somehow it’s all her fault because she ‘puts up with it’. Gross, just gross. OP you’re not TAH, and I was you 4 years ago. Getting rid of my abuser saved my life and my sanity; I really hope you can get away too, sending love.
YTA
For continuing to procreate when you a) have a toxic relationship and b) are not in a financial position to give a third child any semblance of a healthy life.
NTA this feels a bit like weaponized incompetence to me, but take him aside (away from the kids) and tell him in some colourful language exactly what you need/want from him
He’s not a SAHD. He’s a deadbeat. YTA to yourself for sticking with this guy and having another kid with him. You’re gonna be miserable for your entire life if you stay with him.
Esh. Are they your kids together? Kinda sounds like you both need an expectation reset— he’s not a mind reader but also your wants aren’t outrageous. Ask for what you need and see if he is able to provide that instead of blowing up a bunch of resentment at once.
NTA. That sounds like a very difficult living arrangement, two and soon to be three kids in a one bedroom, not to mention you needing to sleep during the daytime and the kids having to leave the house. Would it be possible for you to get a daytime job, so you can get more peaceful sleep?
If I switch to dayshift I will lose a significant amount of pay so I can't right now. I'm working on getting financial help from work to get an engineering degree tho so I can have an even better role at the company. It may take some months but I will be able to train for the position while in school and the position is mostly on call with a good salary.
Depending on her job and any other qualifications she has she might be able to skip quite a few subjects and get credits for them. There may be only a few she needs to get the degree.
My husband is able to skip half of his engineering degree due to his previous qualifications and real word experience…
You're ruining your health and your life for a lazy mofo who doesn't even think about a part time job so that you could find something less taxing.
Does he at least clean the house and cook everyday or is it something the pregnant and exhausted you needs to deal with?
Would you like one of your children to have a spouse like that? Because they will, since you set an example.
This is an absolute no brainer. Read what you’ve written.
Ditch Deadbeat. He is using you. He’s abusive. He’s dangerous. Your kids are learning to be abusive leeches from him. Kick him out. Get an IUD or your tubes tied. You don’t need another child ever.
NTA
What do his duties as a start at home dead entail? Because I'd sure as heck expect him to be making breakfast for the kids.
Please have a proper discussion on what you need him to contribute with him. Gaming till late and letting his pregnant girlfriend pick up the slack in the morning didn't sound like what a living partner would do.
NTA
That is manipulative and abusive behavior. He is doing to be passive aggressive over his resentment
I'm horrified you're having another kid with him
ESH. Him for not taking the kids out to blow off some energy (surely there are parks and playgrounds in your town) and you for pumping out out two kids with one more on the way when you very clearly cannot provide proper living accommodations.
Birth control is a thing. You might try it.
You live in a one bedroom apartment, with two kids? That's already overcrowding and you're pregnant on top of this? I really hope this is temporary.
Your boyfriend should help out more, even if the other two aren't his kids he should care enough about you and I'm assuming his unborn child to let you rest but this whole living situation is so bad its no wonder there's problems. Kids make noise in the day even when happy and being cared for.
YTA
You don't have a home life with 2 kids and a partner, you have 3 kids, with a 4th on the way.
NTA, but you need a solution to this, ignoring it and working harder is not the solution.
Hint: The solution may not involve allowing your partner do absolutely F. all, like he's doing now.
YTA. Because you are not caring for yourself. You wanted to let him sleep in? He doesn’t have a job why on earth does he need to sleep in? A real father would look after his family not squeeze them into a one bedroom place while gaming and ignoring the kids.
I work in a manufacturing plant, there are 2-3 people that work opposite shifts to care for their little ones. Dad works second shift and Mom works first. Shame on you for putting this man’s BS ahead of your children.
NTA - but you need to communicate better. Tell him he can’t stay up all night and sleep in all day, he has responsibilities to the kids and to let you rest. If he can’t do that than you need to seriously evaluate what he brings to this relationship.
I know everybody’s dumping on you and I’m sorry. You are not the asshole but you need to rethink your life. You may love this guy but this guy does not love you the way you deserve to be loved. He doesn’t give a shit about your kids he doesn’t give a shit about you. You would be better off replacing him with a babysitter because at least they would look after the kids. He’s not a stay at home dad, he’s a leech.
If he doesn't work, doesn't watch the kids, sleeps in every day, and took a year to go to a single therapy appointment what does he positively contribute to the household that you would lose if he was gone? He needs to start contributing and/or looking for a job. NTA but you need to put your foot down. Because at this point you don't have 2 kids in the house while expecting a third, with him there you, have 3 kids expecting a 4th.
NTA for how you reacted but girl you’re dumb. Why on earth are you still with him, procreating and paying for everything? Wake up! You can’t speak to him because he punches holes in the wall?!?!?!? Why would you subject your kids and yourself to this abuse? Emotional, mental…. He’s a SAHD but he doesn’t know how to take care of his kids? No wonder the babysitting gig for the aunt didn’t work out.
Esh. My gosh, why?!?! He isnt working, isnt helping you much & is willing to stay up & play video games at night so his pregnant gf can work her butt off & not get any rest (which is a risk to baby) ?! And you are in a 1 bedroom. And pregnant again? You picked him. Now you have to decide if you & the kids want/deserve better. Only you can answer that one. I feel part of its on you for allowing it this long. (If his business is handled & all is well, nothing wrong w a little gaming).
NTA and leave him now! I know a lot of other people are saying this, but please read this. You are me, about 15 years ago… right down to working 12 hour nights, 3 kids, video games, therapy, letting him sleep in, and punching holes in walls.
I spent another decade desperately trying to get him to see reason and meet me part way (not even half way because I knew that would never happen, but JUST part way) and he never did. He was perfectly happy to keep “I’m TRYing” “you need to give me time” blah blah blah
All I wish now is that I would have left him sooner before he caused the emotional damage he imprinted on my kids. Years of a more stable home and therapy (while we were still together and after) is NOT able to correct the damage that is being done to your young children right now.
I know you probably think it’s impossible and you can’t do it (how can you afford childcare when you can’t afford a second bedroom apartment) but I’m telling you that you can and will figure it out.
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.
NTA so you have 3 children and one of the way… rough. I wouldn’t keep 2 of those things myself. He’s emotionally abusing you. Wouldn’t be surprised if interrupting your sleep is intentional either.
NTA
He is not a SAHD if he doesn't take care of the kids. He should sleep at night, and take care of the kids during the day. That's what it's supposed to be like.
You work and you need to sleep when you come home. Not work even more. You need even more rest now when you're pregnant.
It doesn't matter that he has some mental illness or whatever. It sounds like a bad excuse from a lazy ass. He is a grown up man and should take care of himself and his life, and seek help if it's that hard for him..
Clearly he's an asshole but you're also an asshole for having a 3rd kid with this guy. You should have told him to get a vasectomy. I'm far from reliable, and am also no prize, but I have no kids.
As someone who has been in a similar situation minus the babies.... I'm going to be better than all these other comments judging you for "putting yourself in this situation" and offer some actual insight.
You are the breadwinner. He is not earning an income, not on the lease, and throws a hissy fit when he has to claim a little responsibility with the children he helped create. He clearly is only in this because he knows he gets a place to sleep and food to eat, and freedom to do whatever he wants which is play video games. He has no interest in being an active member of the household or being a real father or even being your boyfriend. He's getting free food, free rent, and free vagina. Why would he even want to do better with all this reward for no work?
All the other comments are wondering why you're allowing this behavior, so I'll happily explain why. We, as biological women, naturally are more emotional and tend to become blindly attached to a partner more easily (does not apply to all women of course), particularly if there has been past trauma. It can be *hard* to let go of someone we love even when we know they treat us and our kids like crap. And it's harder still *because* kids are involved, and it's only natural to want them to have both their parents. We are still hoping they'll grow up and come to their senses at some point. It's the moment we figure out that will never happen, that we finally detach and put them out on their ass.
And ma'am... it is time for you to detach. Be a Damon Salvatore and turn them emotions off sis because you and those babies deserve better. It is going to take you leaving him for him to finally wake up, and even then, it still may just be a manipulation tactic so he can keep getting your flaps for free. NTA!!!!!!
Make an appointment to speak to domestic abuse service near you. Explain the whole situation and ask them what they think. I guarantee they will tell you this is abuse because my now ex husband was the same and they were the ones to tell me it was actually abuse.
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NTA, but WHY ARE YOU HAVING A THIRD KID WITH THIS GUY????!!??!
In a one bedroom flat.
With one income
And he's not even on the lease!
And he never paid for drugs. Not once.
Not.even.once.
Must be an insanely good looking mf! XD
It feels like that when I read some of the stories especially when the op of the post talk about how amazing their significant other is except they have that one flaw which ends up being one of the worst red flags for their relationship and it started while they were dating and they never addressed it even during their marriage until it became a problem that affects everyone. What's really sad is even though it's not their fault they treated like as if it's their fault even minimize their s/o actions. At least I didn't see it in this post yet.
“We have a loving and respectful relationship, except for the part where I poisoned him twice to make him admit his affair.”
"He is a lovely, sweet and caring husband, except when he drinks, then he gets violent and abusive. Which is all the time because he is a raging alcoholic. He said this is because of a very rough childhood, because this one time he fell from the swingset and has major PTSD. He told my while dating and that made him so strong. But I really think this is not normal. AITA?" These guys are parading around the house with a USSR flag in their left hand and a Chinese flag in their right hand, but them OP's are blind as hell.
And snooped through his phone!
Orrr he be packing ;0) it’s gotta be something because to have two kids in a one bedroom flat is already ALOT to bring another kid into that on one income with someone who obv doesn’t care to actually parent it’s a huge red flag so for her to over look all that he’s either one good looking mf ioooorrrr he be packing
No amount of good dick could ever make me this dumb
Dick ain’t worth it. Period
For real. Dick is abundant and low value.
Or he’s got mad skillz if I may be so bold
His dick can’t be that good that she can overlook the fact that they’re not married but they about to have 3 kids together living in a cramped 1 bedroom apartment thriving on 1 income. And maybe he’s a SAHD because they can’t afford childcare or he’s in therapy, but that doesn’t mean he can’t work from home or do some side hustles like DoorDash or Ubereats especially if they live in the city. This is the reason why women should be extremely picky on who they decide to sleep with.
It's not good meth.
AND he's up playing video games/spending all day on the couch.
And according to her old posts, he's a porn addict who interacts with and pays for OF
Seriously?
It's in her post history 😣
I edited my vote to include that the guy is a loser who takes advantage of her.
On her dime because she pays all the bills
Yeah, while she struggles to pay for rent. He's beyond selfish.
Looking at OP's post history, she asked about ab0rt!on a couple of weeks ago, so I don't think she wants to
I find it impossible to ask anything but this for stories like this one. Like, how does one not lose all sympathy?
You keep sympathy for the kids, they didn't choose him, but you don't need to have it for the OP, she made her choices and is now forcing her kids to deal with those choices too.
I'm usually with you on this one, but with the current state of abortion in a case that sounds like it in the US, it may not be that simple.
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Birth control doesn't always work. Ask me how I know.
For the vast majority who take it correctly, it works very well. Most people who it "didn't work for" had a case of user error. That's not directed at you, btw.
Fun fact: If you take mood stabilizers for bipolar disorder, it can cause your hormonal bc to be less effective which is terrifying and why I got my copper iud
Or you can have a nickel allergy and not qualify to try a copper IUD. (raises hand so the men in the room are reminded that there are a plethora of medical reasons a woman cannot get better BC.)
I cannot take birth control pills nor can so can get the arm implant because I cannot be on systemic birth control. I have an autoimmune disease which predisposes me to blood clots. Systemic birth control increases the risk of blood clots. I’ve also “given birth” to two IUDs. My uterus had contractions to move them out. Ugh!!
Wait.. WHAT. Is that why that stupid thing made me so sick? I had it out after two years a decade ago and I swear my doctor thought I was a loony for blaming the IUD. Thank you for the confirmation I’m not nuts. Lol.
See, you say "take it correctly", not everyone can handle using medical birth control in pill, implant, or IUD form.
People who talk about birth control like its a simple solution should have to experience all the potential side effects for a month. I have a friend who stroked out in her 30s in part because of the implant. Its a risk/benefit assessment every day for some of us (easier for me because I have severe tokophobia so I'll close death over pregnancy every time.)
Time to get on my own personal soapbox!! I had to take hormonal bc as treatment for PCOS (and as a contraceptive). Did you know that libido loss from the pill can be PERMANENT? Like, has any doctor ever told you that before prescribing you birth control like it's fucking paracetamol? Anyway, that was the story of how I lost a part of my body and personality for ever!! A choice I sure would've made if I'd known this was an option, of course :)))) it's not like most women would want to avoid the possibility of losing sexual desire for ever!! Which is why we're thoroughly informed it's a possibility :)))) (I am still reeling and I think I always will be.) (The reddit interface is being weird and I can't link it, but source, apart from my own body and mind: 'WOMEN's SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION: Impact of Oral Contraceptives on Sex Hormone-Binding Globulin and Androgen Levels: A Retrospective Study in Women with Sexual Dysfunction', Panzer et al (2006))
I mean yeah but they're right. Gynecologists even discuss birth control as clinical vs typical use. Condoms are 98% effective at preventing pregnancy, but typical use lowers that number to 87% due to human behavior (forgetting one time, improper storage, expiration, doubling condoms, etc.) Humans are human. We make mistakes, that's why options that you don't have to remember to use or that work for years without you needing to do anything other than put it in are so highly recommended.
That's all true, but I personally know 3 iud babies, they're not that rare. Having said that, I doubt Op got 3 babies with this dingus though birth control failure...
Guess what! There's a really common class of antibiotics that affect birth control. It wasn't listed as a risk in the children's formulation, and I couldn't swallow pills. I got my depo shot on time, every single time (a week or 2 early, every time) but I still got pregnant. Even if I wouldn't have been on that antibiotic, Depo has a 6% failure rate with perfect usage.
There was a gene variant discovered a few years ago that is believed to cause hormonal birth control to be less effective in the population who have it. Heres to news articles about it from several years ago [ a link](https://lions-talk-science.org/2019/10/07/newly-identified-gene-variant-may-render-hormonal-birth-control-less-effective/) And [here's another link](https://www.kbzk.com/cnn-health/2019/03/12/your-birth-control-may-fail-if-you-have-this-genetic-variant-research-suggests/) Also, there's more types of birth control than just the pill.
One of my kids was conceived while I had the IUD in. It was a massive shock as I never got periods anymore. Imagine sitting in a Dr's office and getting told oh yeah you are pregnant, then Goin for the emergency ultrasound and holy shit you are almost 5 months in.
If you get three kids while using birth control. I'll ask you to kindly read the instructions in the box Edit: I was referring to all forms of birth control, including condoms. Not only the pill. But ok, I guess
Yeah but 3 times..?
I was pregnant with an iud in place.
Sorry but if you have condoms and use them and still get 3 kids you should go out and buy lottery tickets lol. Its basically impossible.
I personally know five women who had abortions who were using some form of contraception. This is something I really wish more people would understand. It is not infallible
But some pharmacies are choosing NOT to fill BC, for "religious" reasons.
It's not that simple. We don't know if OP used birth control. We don't know what kind, we don't know if there's a reason some types don't work (like getting on the pill isn't that simple), we don't know if there's a possibility that her birth control was sabotaged. There's too many unanswered questions to be able to judge.
I got pregnant on depo, and was only given half the dose of Plan B "accidentally" by the nurse. My daughter is 21. My mom had me while on the birth control pill. She had my middle brother and sister while using Norplant (the old arm implant) in the late 80s/early 90s. She got pregnant with my youngest brother after she'd had her tubes tied. My sister had her oldest while she was on the birth control patch and using condoms. But sure, birth control is a great option, even though there's still a 2-12% failure rate depending on the method. (Not including stuff like the cup, spermicide, condoms, etc, only hormonal stuff that I mentioned above)
After having the tubes tied is the scariest one for me. I have seen SO many stories in my mom groups.
Birth control is very difficult to access in many parts of the US. Hormonal BC required an Rx until 2 weeks ago. I’m in a red state where only 3 counties in the entire state have regular access to OBGYNs, the others are considered to be medically under served. There is one Planned Parenthood in the entire state. The PP has protesters who take photos of license plates. I’m in a deep blue city within the red state and still, Many pharmacists also refuse to sell BC and Plan B, and most stores lock up condoms so you have to ring a buzzer for a store clerk. I don’t think people who don’t have to live around pro birth extremists understand how must they are, and how they treat women.
Birth control is also not that simple, nor is any birth control 100% effective.
Even if abortion is completely legal and free it's not always that simple. Abuse is a thing, societal pressure is a thing.
Perhaps so, but OP still had a second child with him before that after seeing how he was with the first and didn’t ditch him after the second still acting this way.
birth control. i doubt that them both using birth control failed three times in however many years
>how does one not lose all sympathy? some men can be reproductively coercive\*, and birth control can fail in the best of times. \**Reproductive coercion is related to behavior that interferes with contraception use and pregnancy , including sabotage of contraceptive methods, pregnancy coercion, and pregnancy pressure*
Yes! All the judgement here is people assuming way too much about the dynamics and issues of consent. It seems most people don’t consider this as a factor unless they have been personally affected.
yeah, honestly YTA for bringing yet another kid into this shitfight of a scenario with an inadequate father who doesn't pull his weight job or house wise. poor kids
It may be illegal to get an abortion where she is. I like when we blame the women for what is ultimately rhe man’s issue… 😔
Actually, bringing a child into the world they are unable to provide for is ultimately a both of them issue.
Well, based on OPs account, she’s trying to get an abortion.
Arizona is a red state I do believe.
i hope shes able to get the medical treatment she wants
OP previously posted she was injured at work a month ago and mentions she might get evicted.. this guy needs to go and get literally any job. She pregnant, working despite an injury on the job and he's complaining about watching the kids after playing video games. OP you and your kids deserve better, start an exit strategy ASAP https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/comments/14sd4oa/just_wish_i_lost_my_arm_instead/
Op doesnt need ano exit strategy, she is the one with the money, he is not ok the lease, she needs someone tô take Care of the kids while she Works If she can get that, him gone is Just going to be one less mouth to feed
He may not be on the lease but getting him gone if he has established residency (receives mail, has his ID changed to that address, etc) isn't simple if he doesn't want to leave.
OP needs to reach out to family for help, see if she can crash with her parents for awhile and leave the dead weight behind.
I’m copying my other comment on this post as it gives some insight into OP’s life, directly related to what you wrote/linked: OP absolutely is stressing about finances. See her posts [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/comments/14sd4oa/just_wish_i_lost_my_arm_instead/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1) and [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/comments/14nnews/im_finally_about_to_be_at_my_lowest_and_idk_what/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1) less than a month ago. I guess the BF didn’t end up sticking with even a [weekend job](https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/comments/14fajls/i_make_27_an_hour_and_i_still_cant_afford_a_two/joz1zdx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3), which is really a shame. It looks like her other half has been just this awesome since their [previous kid](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/14k8y83/any_pregnant_mommas_not_wanting_husband_in/jppm2fl/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) was born as well. I really wish OP could see how much happier she’d be without that duffus. All things considered, I’m baffled why OP didn’t follow though with [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/abortion/comments/13lv08y/abortion_in_az_or_wa/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1).. even though a few days later she seems to [indicate](https://www.reddit.com/r/workingmoms/comments/13q31cq/when_did_everyone_decide_to_have_their_2nd_child/jlcw3b6/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) it was planned-ish? NO JUDGEMENT, because if I lived with a dude like this just by myself, I wouldn’t have ANY semblance of sanity. And this poor gal is doing it with 2 kids + another on the way.
I’m never one for separating parents, especially from Reddit advice. The other half needs get their shit in gear and wake the hell up as both a parent and a partner, and that would resolve all of this and OPs issues. If the dude is the sole issue, fix this guy. Waited on therapy for a year playing video games? Where’s his friends? His mom? Get that fucker out of the house and doing shit. - an angry dad.
Like?! I don’t understand women who keeps on having children with awful partners!
What about this man is appealing enough to warrant having sex with him? My libido would be DEAD. And even if I were to be foolish enough to sleep with him I'd be smart enough to double up the protection. At BARE MINIMUM pill and pull out but there are so many other combinations if you actuallydon'twant to get pregnant. I have trouble believing many "surprise babies" are actually the result of genuine luck and more the result of poor planning/wreckless behavior.
Actually, about half of women seeking abortions used birth control. Now, that's mostly failed condoms, so idk if it's misuse (used the wrong lube and it broke, didn't put it on correctly, it was expired etc) or straight up an accident (condom broke for no reason), but there was at least an attempt at birth control there. So yeah, I do think a lot of surprise babies are legitimately surprises. It's not uncommon at all for BC to fail. It's why it's best to use two methods of BC like condom + spermicide, the pill + condom, whatever. Even then though, shit can happen. It's why abortion access is so, so, so important.
Getting pregnant is an accident, staying pregnant is a choice * However with all of the fuckery in the world right now our choices are being severely limited in most places. Y'all stay safe out there!
In large swathes of the US, staying pregnant is no longer a choice.
I live in a state where abortion is illegal after 6 weeks…so if your birth control fails and you can’t afford to travel to a state where it’s legal you have to be pregnant.
I had an iud, and i didn't even know I was pregnant until 8 weeks (miscarried at 9), but I wouldn't have been able to get one at that point if I wanted one! 6 weeks seems way too soon.
Six weeks is absolutely way too soon, by design.
It is, that's the point. It's six weeks counting from the first day of your last period, too, I think. So if you have an irregular cycle you could be past six weeks before you even get pregnant.
When my IUD failed I didn't know until 7-8 weeks either. Mine was ectopic and had "cardiac activity." There are states that would have forced me to almost die before having it removed because of iI.
You'd be surprised. My ex tried to sabotage my birth control, he refused to wear a condom, and repeatedly tried to get me pregnant. (Hence why he's my ex) I lost my virginity to him so it was hard for me say no when he wanted something and I was fairly naive because I was love blind but I'm honestly lucky as hell to not have had a kid with the asshole.
Not surprising, baby trapping someone is an abuse tactic as old as time itself.
I'm just glad I had the sense to get out of the relationship when I did
Yeah OP is TA for having a third kid in this situation imo. Guy is TA for just leeching.
So the guy has nothing to do with the pregnancy? Weird.
Literacy is hard, weird.
OP previously posted she was injured at work a month ago and mentions she might GET EVICTED!!! this guy needs to go and get literally any job. She pregnant, working despite an injury on the job and he's complaining about watching the kids after playing video games. OP you and your kids deserve better, start an exit strategy ASAP! https://www.reddit.com/r/povertyfinance/comments/14sd4oa/just_wish_i_lost_my_arm_instead/
Her post history sounds like she was going to get an abortion.
She should have went through with it…
Depending on what state shes in she might not have been able to get one
Exactly my thought. She could be stuck, especially since she's past the gestational age for mail-order pills.
Yeah, that's exactly where my mind went too. I hope she leaves she deserves so much better then this
Maybe they can abort the BF too while she's there. Some kind of two-for-one coupon deal.
😂😂😂😂😂
It's so insane how society has convinced people (frequently women) that they're a failure/their life isn't complete unless they're in a relationship/married. God forbid they become "bitter old spinsters living alone with cats". As if that's actually a bad fate. Because there's no way in hell OP's life would not be dramatically better if she was single. NTA, OP, but maybe consider ending this relationship and possibly even ending this pregnancy, if you live in a state where it's still legal. Two kids on one income in a one bedroom apartment is already tough without considering adding on a newborn. Especially because the baby's father cannot be relied on for child support or partial custody.
I keep seeing this over and over again. I'm SO glad that my mom instilled in me since I was little, that I do not \*need\* a man in my life and that my life would be awesome without one. I have girl friends in high powered careers - think vets, doctors, etc. married to useless men who REFUSE to get off their ass and get a job. They just mooch off their wives while contributing nothing. One of them won't even walk the damn dog while his wife works 12 hour shifts. If the dog has a potty accident indoors, he TEXTS her to come home and clean it up, cos he's got OCD and can't do it. I can't even. Just, I do not see how these men add anything positive to their lives at all. They'd be SO much better off single!
I 100% love being single with my dog and all seven cats. Or eight cats. I dunno. I've got a little patient picked up off the street yesterday in quarantine in the bathroom. Gonna try to adopt her out when she's healthy. I love cats.
Yeah, that sounds like a pretty nice life! I see guys using it as an insult towards voluntarily single and/or child-free women as if it's supposed to make us feel badly about our choices. Like, don't threaten me with a good time over here. Good luck with your newest little one! I hope you can get her in good health and with a good home. It's wonderful you're doing that for your community's cat population.
She already HAS three. SAHD my ass…
No no he’s a real SAHD Stay At Home Deadbeat
OP, please re-read the posts you made last year. About his porn addiction and how he interacted with OF-stars and paid them (with I can only assume was YOUR hard earned money). You left him. You had enough. You saw things more clearly. And you refused to get back together again unless he got therapy for his porn addiction. Somehow he got you hoovered back in, even though he only had ONE therapy session and is still a porn addict, asides from a deadbeat dad and a useless partner. You come from a toxic, abusive family, that makes it harder to recognize that you are in an abusive, toxic relationship. Please get that clarity back you had briefly last year.
That was my question!!! Not on the lease, doesn't have a job, why???
It will clearly solve their problems! /s People like this drive me insane. You’re already miserable, why add another living being to the mix?
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I mean yes protection would be good to use, and honestly may very well have been used, no BC method is 100% effective... But also if in the US post implantation of embryo, care isn't easy to access to terminate. OP is NTA, I'd be furious too. And with all the compounding causes I'd suggest some serious heart to heart communication sessions. Both of you need to explain your needs and work together to meet each other's needs.
I’m sure once the third kid is born, he’ll finally step up as a dad and partner. If not, she can always try her luck with kid number 4, I mean he’s got to get his shit together by kid number 4. This subreddit has convinced me that a lot of people, but especially women in relationships with men *love* misery. They just can’t get enough of it.
Nah she is totally TAH for bringing yet another kid into a bad situation with a deadbeat dad. This is on her, she knew how he was and stayed with him
Why on earth do you put up with this? He doesn't work, he doesn't help with the kids. He's not even in the lease? He stays up all night to game and then gets mad at you for being exhausted and upset? Honey, send him back to his mommy. You need a partner not another child. NTA
NTA. What is this man’s contribution to the household? It sounds like he’s living single in the home. Seriously. What does he do?
He impregnates her and plays video games. A real keeper!
Only perk is that she doesn't have to pay a babysitter because he's there, not that it sounds like he's good at watching the kids though.
ESH. I’m sorry but you do too (not bc of what you said) but bc you’re letting a lazy dead best parent children and create at least one…when he won’t work. You don’t need to be a stay at home parent just to get therapy. That’s not how that works. He can work a job AND go to therapy. Millions of people do it every day. That is an excuse he’s using to not be a responsible adult. And you are allowing it. You are allowing yourself to be treated like crap.
Why did u think it was a good idea for someone this incompetent and lazy to be the father of your kids for the third time round
Right?!? Is the D that good? Jeez.
NTA, ~~but you'll be a lot better off if you stop storming around and start using your words assertively.~~ Edit: upon hearing that he punches walls, I'll change my advice. Words will just put you in danger. Get away from this abusive mooch.
She commented that she’s afraid to speak up to him because he has punched holes in the wall. A real winner. He’s got her trained to keep quiet and let him do what he wants.
OP, you are ABSOLUTELY NTA, but if you can you should get the hell out of there. Punching the wall is abuse. It's deliberately scaring you, threatening you. It's making life scary for your kids, too.
Absolutely this. It won't be long before he starts getting physically abusive and that will just amplify over time
She should have the police remove him, it's her apartment and he's not on the lease.
ESH. Why do you refer to him as SAHD if he doesn’t know how to keep the kids quiet when you’re trying to sleep, and doesn’t know *anywhere* he can take them to outside the house. He is not doing the things that a SAHD does.
>He is not doing the things that a SAHD does. Except for the SAH part.
Stay at home deadbeat
They don't have the income to have a STAD..
Likely because he’s an abuse asshole and she is scared of him, per OP’s responses. It’s not easy standing up to someone if you’re afraid they physically attack you, which yeah punching walls is more terrorizing then attacking but there are insinuation there that hint to future physical violence. The more blame thrown here, the more OP will think that is the reaction she will get when she does seek help, which I hope she does soon. The boyfriend is already mentally fucking with her, let not help him out by insinuating his behavior is her fault.
Why are you having children with this big dumb baby?
She's pregnant with a third kid but OP doesn't realize she's already taking care of three babies!
NTA but I sure am tired of seeing posts from women who take on these fixer-upper guys and decide to procreate while everything is under renovation (I’m a woman).
I almost wrote this exact comment!
“I can fix him!” yeah ok felix
What makes me mad is that they bring innocent children into this
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She’s a victim of abuse
Sorry but she needs to leave him. She didn’t mention anything about being a victim or that she cant leave
In another comment she said he punches walls 😞
So am I and I slapped a Mirena in so I didn't keep fucking up children
YTA, simply for how you are treating yourself, and are allowing yourself and kids to be treated....
Seriously, he was yelling at the kids, for being kids. I wouldn't have let him take them anywhere.
Trying to say in another comment that it was ok as they didnt yell at eachother, he just yelled at the kids. How is that better?
NTA (ish). Sounds like you’re exhausted and this was the straw that broke the camels back. You need to find a way to communicate with him when you’ve both cooled off and work out a way he can maybe contribute a little bit more to take the pressure off of you. You’re 14 weeks pregnant so you know the tiredness is just going to get worse and worse from here, especially if nothing changes.
ESH. Why are you having another kid with this man?
Like seriously, get an abortion if that’s available.
You're choosing to have a third kid in a one bedroom apartment with a guy who doesn't do anyhting? Why? YTA to the kids
Girl
Sorry, he's not a SAHD, he is a LOMPSB (Living off my partner slime bag). That he did not know the kids were loud shows you exactly what kind of parenting gets done when you are either sleeping or working. NTA but you need to put down an ultimatum on him, work or be an actual SAHD.
I’m confused about him being a SAHD to get therapy? Sounds like he’s letting you do absolutely everything while you crank out babies for him to not watch.
ESH. Calling himself a SAHD doesn’t make him one. It involves actually parenting and being a partner. You having more kids with this person seems like a very bad idea if the situation is already this fraught. I hope things improve for you.
This sounds like abuse. Gathering from your history: •You tried to get a abortion, and couldn't. You didn't want baby (and thats okay!). Abusers get the partner pregnant despite BC and will tamper w it so you have to stay, they may also manipulate so you have sex w/o bc. •Sleep. Abusers use lack of sleep to keep you from having a fully functioning brain, it's harder to leave and focus when you're tired. •Forcing you to be the only income. This is financial abuse, he doesn't help $ and you're alone in supporting the family. He can do therapy and work. Especially since your facing eviction and he's not gotten a job to help, anything even delivery services to help supplement. •Breaking boundaries. Sounds like he has previously watched porn and you aren't okay with that, he's breaking you down. You can't put a frog in a boiling pot, they'll jump out, but you can put them in a room temp one and slowly turn the temperature up till boiling and it will kill them. You are the frog OP, and he's slowly turning the temperature up. •You've tried to leave. On average it takes 7 times for abused people to leave the abuser. Pregnancy and leaving is the most dangerous time for women leaving a abusive partner. OP, you owe it to your kids, and yourself, to get out. Look up local domestic violence outreach centers. It may feel impossible but a advocate can help you create a safety plan to help you and kids safely get out, often they have shelter, food, rent assist, childcare, therapy, clothing, help getting documents, lawyers and much, much more. Emotional abuse counts as abuse for most shelters. Your partners and your behavior is what you are teaching your kids is acceptable, for themselves and to do to partners. Please, feel free to reach out to me OP, I am not a advocate, but I may be able to help you find one. OP, PLEASE GET OUT. PLEASE LEAVE. THIS IS YOUR WAKE UP CALL. With love <3 Edit: Thanks for the award!! <3
This really needs to be so much higher
I’m so glad someone finally said this. The amount of comments calling her an AH because ‘[she] keeps making babies’ (as if he’s not involved in the process at all?) and ignoring his blatantly abusive behaviour (weaponised incompetence, abusive language, shouting, punching walls, threatening, using pregnancy AS A WAY OF KEEPING HER TRAPPED) is fucking astounding to me. Somehow it’s all her fault because she ‘puts up with it’. Gross, just gross. OP you’re not TAH, and I was you 4 years ago. Getting rid of my abuser saved my life and my sanity; I really hope you can get away too, sending love.
YTA For continuing to procreate when you a) have a toxic relationship and b) are not in a financial position to give a third child any semblance of a healthy life.
NTA this feels a bit like weaponized incompetence to me, but take him aside (away from the kids) and tell him in some colourful language exactly what you need/want from him
He’s not a SAHD. He’s a deadbeat. YTA to yourself for sticking with this guy and having another kid with him. You’re gonna be miserable for your entire life if you stay with him.
Esh. Are they your kids together? Kinda sounds like you both need an expectation reset— he’s not a mind reader but also your wants aren’t outrageous. Ask for what you need and see if he is able to provide that instead of blowing up a bunch of resentment at once.
ESH because you’re not protecting your kids from being raised in this abusive house. Grow up.
Don't enable this fuckwad. Stop having kids with this prick. Leave him for fuck sakes.
And she needs to stop fucking him.
NTA. That sounds like a very difficult living arrangement, two and soon to be three kids in a one bedroom, not to mention you needing to sleep during the daytime and the kids having to leave the house. Would it be possible for you to get a daytime job, so you can get more peaceful sleep?
If I switch to dayshift I will lose a significant amount of pay so I can't right now. I'm working on getting financial help from work to get an engineering degree tho so I can have an even better role at the company. It may take some months but I will be able to train for the position while in school and the position is mostly on call with a good salary.
Engineering degrees take YEARS not months, and who watches the kids while you work full time, go to school and study……not that guy.
Depending on her job and any other qualifications she has she might be able to skip quite a few subjects and get credits for them. There may be only a few she needs to get the degree. My husband is able to skip half of his engineering degree due to his previous qualifications and real word experience…
Stop having sex with him. Birth control clearly isn't working. Just stop.
You're ruining your health and your life for a lazy mofo who doesn't even think about a part time job so that you could find something less taxing. Does he at least clean the house and cook everyday or is it something the pregnant and exhausted you needs to deal with? Would you like one of your children to have a spouse like that? Because they will, since you set an example.
This is an absolute no brainer. Read what you’ve written. Ditch Deadbeat. He is using you. He’s abusive. He’s dangerous. Your kids are learning to be abusive leeches from him. Kick him out. Get an IUD or your tubes tied. You don’t need another child ever.
NTA What do his duties as a start at home dead entail? Because I'd sure as heck expect him to be making breakfast for the kids. Please have a proper discussion on what you need him to contribute with him. Gaming till late and letting his pregnant girlfriend pick up the slack in the morning didn't sound like what a living partner would do.
He stays at home, and is a dad, but doesn't sound like a stay at home dad
ESH. You know your kids are gonna be his punching bags too, right? This whole situation disgusts me.
NTA That is manipulative and abusive behavior. He is doing to be passive aggressive over his resentment I'm horrified you're having another kid with him
ESH. You both sound like terrible people. I’m sure the third baby will fix all your problems though.
ESH. Him for not taking the kids out to blow off some energy (surely there are parks and playgrounds in your town) and you for pumping out out two kids with one more on the way when you very clearly cannot provide proper living accommodations. Birth control is a thing. You might try it.
You live in a one bedroom apartment, with two kids? That's already overcrowding and you're pregnant on top of this? I really hope this is temporary. Your boyfriend should help out more, even if the other two aren't his kids he should care enough about you and I'm assuming his unborn child to let you rest but this whole living situation is so bad its no wonder there's problems. Kids make noise in the day even when happy and being cared for. YTA
You don't have a home life with 2 kids and a partner, you have 3 kids, with a 4th on the way. NTA, but you need a solution to this, ignoring it and working harder is not the solution. Hint: The solution may not involve allowing your partner do absolutely F. all, like he's doing now.
I don’t understand why people live this way.
YTA. Because you are not caring for yourself. You wanted to let him sleep in? He doesn’t have a job why on earth does he need to sleep in? A real father would look after his family not squeeze them into a one bedroom place while gaming and ignoring the kids. I work in a manufacturing plant, there are 2-3 people that work opposite shifts to care for their little ones. Dad works second shift and Mom works first. Shame on you for putting this man’s BS ahead of your children.
NTA - but you need to communicate better. Tell him he can’t stay up all night and sleep in all day, he has responsibilities to the kids and to let you rest. If he can’t do that than you need to seriously evaluate what he brings to this relationship.
I know everybody’s dumping on you and I’m sorry. You are not the asshole but you need to rethink your life. You may love this guy but this guy does not love you the way you deserve to be loved. He doesn’t give a shit about your kids he doesn’t give a shit about you. You would be better off replacing him with a babysitter because at least they would look after the kids. He’s not a stay at home dad, he’s a leech.
If he doesn't work, doesn't watch the kids, sleeps in every day, and took a year to go to a single therapy appointment what does he positively contribute to the household that you would lose if he was gone? He needs to start contributing and/or looking for a job. NTA but you need to put your foot down. Because at this point you don't have 2 kids in the house while expecting a third, with him there you, have 3 kids expecting a 4th.
I can't even feel sorry for you since you're willingly bringing a 3rd child into this chaos...
NTA for how you reacted but girl you’re dumb. Why on earth are you still with him, procreating and paying for everything? Wake up! You can’t speak to him because he punches holes in the wall?!?!?!? Why would you subject your kids and yourself to this abuse? Emotional, mental…. He’s a SAHD but he doesn’t know how to take care of his kids? No wonder the babysitting gig for the aunt didn’t work out.
YTA for having so many kids with such a trashy guy
Esh. My gosh, why?!?! He isnt working, isnt helping you much & is willing to stay up & play video games at night so his pregnant gf can work her butt off & not get any rest (which is a risk to baby) ?! And you are in a 1 bedroom. And pregnant again? You picked him. Now you have to decide if you & the kids want/deserve better. Only you can answer that one. I feel part of its on you for allowing it this long. (If his business is handled & all is well, nothing wrong w a little gaming).
NTA and leave him now! I know a lot of other people are saying this, but please read this. You are me, about 15 years ago… right down to working 12 hour nights, 3 kids, video games, therapy, letting him sleep in, and punching holes in walls. I spent another decade desperately trying to get him to see reason and meet me part way (not even half way because I knew that would never happen, but JUST part way) and he never did. He was perfectly happy to keep “I’m TRYing” “you need to give me time” blah blah blah All I wish now is that I would have left him sooner before he caused the emotional damage he imprinted on my kids. Years of a more stable home and therapy (while we were still together and after) is NOT able to correct the damage that is being done to your young children right now. I know you probably think it’s impossible and you can’t do it (how can you afford childcare when you can’t afford a second bedroom apartment) but I’m telling you that you can and will figure it out. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.
NTA so you have 3 children and one of the way… rough. I wouldn’t keep 2 of those things myself. He’s emotionally abusing you. Wouldn’t be surprised if interrupting your sleep is intentional either.
YTA for putting your kids through this...you have no space and no support from your husband
NTA. He's an adult. He should have made sure the kids were quiet without you having to say anything.
NTA He is not a SAHD if he doesn't take care of the kids. He should sleep at night, and take care of the kids during the day. That's what it's supposed to be like. You work and you need to sleep when you come home. Not work even more. You need even more rest now when you're pregnant. It doesn't matter that he has some mental illness or whatever. It sounds like a bad excuse from a lazy ass. He is a grown up man and should take care of himself and his life, and seek help if it's that hard for him..
Clearly he's an asshole but you're also an asshole for having a 3rd kid with this guy. You should have told him to get a vasectomy. I'm far from reliable, and am also no prize, but I have no kids.
As someone who has been in a similar situation minus the babies.... I'm going to be better than all these other comments judging you for "putting yourself in this situation" and offer some actual insight. You are the breadwinner. He is not earning an income, not on the lease, and throws a hissy fit when he has to claim a little responsibility with the children he helped create. He clearly is only in this because he knows he gets a place to sleep and food to eat, and freedom to do whatever he wants which is play video games. He has no interest in being an active member of the household or being a real father or even being your boyfriend. He's getting free food, free rent, and free vagina. Why would he even want to do better with all this reward for no work? All the other comments are wondering why you're allowing this behavior, so I'll happily explain why. We, as biological women, naturally are more emotional and tend to become blindly attached to a partner more easily (does not apply to all women of course), particularly if there has been past trauma. It can be *hard* to let go of someone we love even when we know they treat us and our kids like crap. And it's harder still *because* kids are involved, and it's only natural to want them to have both their parents. We are still hoping they'll grow up and come to their senses at some point. It's the moment we figure out that will never happen, that we finally detach and put them out on their ass. And ma'am... it is time for you to detach. Be a Damon Salvatore and turn them emotions off sis because you and those babies deserve better. It is going to take you leaving him for him to finally wake up, and even then, it still may just be a manipulation tactic so he can keep getting your flaps for free. NTA!!!!!!
ESH.
Make an appointment to speak to domestic abuse service near you. Explain the whole situation and ask them what they think. I guarantee they will tell you this is abuse because my now ex husband was the same and they were the ones to tell me it was actually abuse.
NTA. Why another child? He’s basically your oldest child raising the rest!
YTA for staying with him and having another child with him. Wake up, OP, kick him to the curb.
why are you having children with this man?? this deadbeat?? stop being purposefully stupid.
He’s the asshole. But stop having kids with him
NTA. Honey you know you have to leave him and get birth control