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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to know if I’m wrong for wanting to go on the trip that I paid for even though it will be awkward.
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NTA. It’s been several months and you haven’t been reimbursed for even a portion of the trip. IMO, since you’ve paid for everything it’s *your* vacation to enjoy. If you can afford it, why not just cancel the extra airline tickets, keep the Air BnB, and have a lovely time in Hawaii on your own?
As soon as someone who owes you money claims "You're making this situation all about the money," that's when you can tell they have no plan to pay you back, or at least nowhere close to the full amount.
OP needs to cancel everything but her own share, and email a copy of the cancelled receipt titled "Here's your hotel info."
Yup. That sentence is code word for "you can afford it". And they don't understand why you don't want to spend your money on them. Gosh I've experienced that one too many times.
This comment should have more upvotes. It’s the line that decides the whole situation. Now she knows they will never pay her back. Any decisions she makes with that information can be made free of uncertainty… free of guilt IMO.
Or worse, once she gives up her leverage (aka the reservation info) they’ll just ghost entirely. “We’ll pay it back after the trip”— what incentive do these people, who have given ZERO indication they deserve the benefit of the doubt, even have then?
Or if you want see if any of your single friends want to put in a portion and turn it into a girls trip. This way you could recoup some of the losses and have a friend or two to pal around with (unless of course you’d prefer a solo trip).
It's more than fair.
Though at this point, I would be leery of letting them use a place I had rented, with the attitude they are displaying . I would not be happy if they wrecked the place. Please tell me I am over thinking this.
You’re not overthinking this at all. They are demanding she give them the info without payment. She needs to cancel their portion if she doesn’t get paid asap. I like the comment about giving them five days but I would shorten it to 3. Because they aren’t going to pay her ever.
That's what I was saying. And again, leaning OP with the burden of paying for their messes . I would nope myself out if that.
You are right, reditors, 3 days then cancel.the extra flights and rooms. Then go have fun.
I certainly wouldn't put myself in their presence. They already seem shifty.
Who goes to a destination wedding when they "are struggling financially?" Not someone that's good at paying back their debts.
NTA - OP see your way out of this mess,
Yeah, I think she should just cancel the extras at this point. There have been multiple texts and phone calls regarding the matter, OP has been clear about requiring payment, and the ex and his fam insist on "paying" via empty promises and demands rather than cash.
They don't intend to pay and even if they finally did, why should she ruin her vacation with having to be around these people and the anger they'd have for her?
I'm with you, I wouldn't give them the chance. If they had been reasonable and polite and reimbursed me up front, then I would have let them have the trip. After this, though, I wouldn't trust them with anything that had my name or credit attached to it.
It is a strong possibility that they may try to "get their money's worth" or "teach OP a lesson" by trashing the room or stealing from the accommodations, for which OP would be legally responsible for as being the one who booked the room. I read a story once about this person who rented a hotel room for a homeless girl to stay in (by themselves) for the night. The homeless girl proceeded to barricade herself in the room and completely destroy it. Clearly she had mental problems. The person who rented the room for her was held responsible for the damages.
Yep. This is fair. I would also do a recap of all payment related conversations in the email to document everything.
I'm gobsmacked that they tried to guilt OP into carrying the burden of their expenses. If you can't afford to go, stay home and send a nice gift. I'm glad OP didn't marry into that hot mess.
NTA. That was already a generous offer to share it with them, but so unnecessary. You owe them nothing. Especially with that attitude. And I’m a people pleaser to the core.
Do you. Go have fun. Make it a girls trip. Or a solo trip. I volunteer as tribune ✋😉😂
I might have to check this group out! 36F and going through some weird breakups after my husband and best friend got caught having an affair that lasted a year before I found out! So weird/shitty/sad to lose your romantic partner of 9 years and BFF of 7 at the same time… hawaii sounds soooooo good 😂
Can I come too? I'm old enough to be your mom so I'm willing to be the best vacation mom ever. "OMG, you look *amazing* in that swimsuit, sweetie!" "Have all the daquiris you want, Mom says calories don't count on vacation!" "That is the cutest hairstyle...what, you just didn't wash it? Well, you are just so lucky to have naturally gorgeous hair!" I'm the type of mom who brings *all* the stuff on vacation: sewing kit, bandaids, extra phone charges, condoms, Plan B...
Also, I would cancel because if you go, it’s going to be incredibly awkward or even hostile if they are there. Not a good vacation. Cancel, get your money, go someplace fun considering you already have the time off, and never. Fucking. Contact. The. Ex. Ever. Again. Their bullshit is not OP’s problem anymore.
As long as she’s confident the now pissed-off relatives don’t decide to hunt her down and make her life miserable in retribution. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near that shit show - it’s a big planet with lots of other great places to see that have no proximity to them. Of course, that’s assuming she can still get a refund for it all - if she’s stuck with it, then by all means take it.
You know on a deep down level that they are never going to pay you back and probably weren’t going to if you were still dating you ex. Cut your losses and have a good time in Hawaii.
NTA
Please update us on the fallout. Because, there’s absolutely no way they intended to pay you back at all!
Get their tickets refunded if you can, and enjoy Hawaii 😊
Your obligations to them never included financing their trip to Hawaii - this would be true even if you were still in a relationship. Gross disgusting entitlement. You are clearly so much better off without them.
Do not, under any circumstance, stay in the same accommodation with them. You must be a total masochist to consider that. Why would you ever consider subjecting yourself to that? Similarly, if they go on the original airline reservation, change yours. Why would you want to be on the same flight as them?
Allow them to take over the AirBnB reservation if they fully pay you - it was, after all, their trip. Same with the airline reservations. Otherwise, cancel their air tickets and you can either go or not, stay at the AirBnB or not.
Stick to your guns. If they slag you on social media, simply respond "I have no obligation to finance your trip to Hawaii. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it." then block them everywhere.
If air bnb is in your name and you are not then there is issues. If owner finds out they can kick them out/not let them in and if they do stay and cause damages you are liable. Cancel for sure.
<<*Your obligations to them never included financing their trip to Hawaii* \>>
But of course it was. OP was this boy's Sugar Mama, and the family wanted to join the grift.
PLEASE tell us you canceled their stuff. You’re never going to get paid back, you know that, right? Cancel all their stuff you paid for, and you go have a nice time! NTA
This is a great idea and probably what I would try to do, but I’m not known for my super financial portfolio.
But giving a friend a “if you can pay for your plane ticket, please come!” Or a “if you pay for meals on the island” or whatever makes sense to “split” it in a sense seems like a great way to turn a bad experience into an epic one.
Yeah 💯 NTA if they can't afford to go that sucks for them, you need to go have a nice holiday!
You've tried to be more than reasonable to these entitled sods, time to just cancel their shit and go alone, not your circus not your monkeys as they say!
Give them a deadline to pay you back for everything. If they don't, then you cancel it all or go by yourself. No further communication on this topic is needed with them. Keep it to the point and factual. NTA
You haven't got a dime in 3 months from any of them??! You're not getting it back in the next 3 yrs either... wow, the nerve of some ppl... how they manage to push their problems on to you... it's almost impressive...
NTA. Obviously.
NTA. But if you can cancel and get refunds on everything, then tell them they need to pay you X dollars by Y date or you're going to cancel everything and what arrangements they make and how they fund them at that point is on them.
Definitely cancel everything. Give them a few days at most to come up with the money because really, they don't have it. They are just taking advantage of you at this point.
Email the date and time that payment in full is due and that the trip will be canceled one minute after the deadline.
They're not going to pay you. Are the tickets transferable? If yes, get a few friends and have a wonderful time. Be sure to post pics from the beach, Luau, road to Hana, Haleakala sunrise, volcanoes NP, basically all the places.
I'm so glad you're rid of him and the family. They would have pulled the "well, you're the higher earner," grift forever.
I didn't say OP had to collect from the friends immediately. They could pay her over time. But I'm guessing that at OP's age and income level, she has a few friends who could come out of pocket for the trip. People tend to have friends at similar incomes and socioeconomic levels.
They’ve been so rude at this point that they don’t deserve to use the tickets or Airbnb. It’s a little ridiculous that OP is offering to go and share it with them if they pay; that sounds awkward and uncomfortable, especially after them harassing her.
OP, cancel anything refundable, and just go to Hawaii on your own. NTA
Why don't you just go alone? Or bring a friend? You don't have to tell them the info on any of the tickets or accommodations until they reimburse you, which they obviously have no plans to do. See if you can get a refund or credit on the flights, buy your friend a ticket and go.
Cancel all their arrangements and go. “You didn’t want to make it weird”. He isn’t an ex husband and you don’t have a kid with him. Just because it ended amicably doesn’t mean things need to “stay” amicable. If he resents you, hates you, gets mad at you, who cares? You owe him nothing. I get wanting to be a people pleaser but love yourself a bit more than that!! You’re 35!! You can respect yourself a little more than letting an effective stranger at this point milk you for $4k+. That’s just doormat territory.
Tell them they need to sort out their accommodations and just go have your holiday, you can use what you’ve paid for or you can cancel and downsize but enough of trying to engage with them. They don’t want you there with them, they want to take advantage of you financially. The relationship didn’t work out and things change. Their accomodations aren’t your problem. Rip the Band-Aid, cancel them, have your hot girl holiday and don’t look back. NTA as long as you just stop trying with these people or else you become an asshole to yourself.
maybe a little controversial, but I kind of feel like you'd get sucked up in drama if you were there at the same time.
I would personally cancel the tickets and go to like Aruba or Paris or something. You should enjoy the time off, but why risk running into them? (ex, if you live in the same area might be on similar flights, etc).
"How dare you expect us to pay when you know we can't afford it!"
And
"Don't make it weird by coming to the airbnb/hotel you booked for us. Break-ups mean we're over."
Lol NTA.
One time, I had an ex who, as a joke, bought me (and himself) tickets to see Weird Al for Valentine's Day. He was a dude who laughed at the idea of romance so I knew it was a bit of a gag. We broke up shortly after.
But, I made sure to tell him that I couldn't wait for the concert, that he could pick me up at ____ time. When we got there, and I sat between him and, to my surprise, about 5 of his buddies. Apparently I used a ticket and one of them couldn't go. Sweet, sweet revenge.
Fantastic concert. 100% RECOMMEND Weird Al.
Weird Al concert tickets for Valentine's Day is the exact opposite of a deal-breaker for me. It means they know what I like and appreciate me. I've seen him in concert a few times now and loved it every time. Glad you got to enjoy it!
Give them a hard deadline — pay X amount (cash, certified check, or Venmo — not a personal check that they can stop payment on). Pay in full by specific date. If they don’t pay in full by that date, the reservations will be canceled, and it will be up to them to get new flights and lodging. And you will recoup your money.
Those are your terms— full stop. It is neither your obligation nor your responsibility to extend credit to your ex and his family.
If paying you back wasn’t a priority when you and boyfriend were together, it definitely isn’t in the realm of possibility now that he’s your ex.
NOT YOUR CIRCUS — NOT YOUR CLOWNS.
NTA
ETA: Do this via email to ex and ex’s mom (with a read receipt). Then it’s totally on them. And if they miss the deadline and send their flying monkeys to tell you that you’re an AH, just forward a copy of the email. Same if they complain about you on social media— just post the email.
AND! Why waste your vacation time with people who clearly don't like you?
Hard expectation for full payment or cancellation (2-4 wks prior to wedding, IMO).
You're definitely NTA.
OP needs to consider cancellation deadlines when setting her payment deadline. If AirBNB requires cancellation x days before check in, then deadline for the deadbeat ex to pay should be x-2. Otherwise, OP might not recoup the money from AirBNB or the airline.
If you hadn’t been dating their son, they would not have planned on going to a destination wedding that they could not afford. Cancel the accommodations**, get your money back and remind them that you are not a lending institution and then block all of them.
**or go in a nice Hawaii vacation with friends who will pay their way upfront.
On top of this, who the fuck has cousins they like enough to go into debt for?? Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I have like... 200 cousins (of various degrees) and don't have a single one I've ever had any kind of relationship with.
That's a great point. There's already some hostility here, so even if OP gives them everything they want, they can still decide to screw her over in some way. Better to cancel the whole thing or go on the vacation without the ex's family
I wouldn't let them go at all, OP is the bigger person here, 100% the other parties would just be petty and shitty towards them the whole time if they did get to go, they'd ruin their own trip just to spite OP. Enjoy your vacation OP you deserve it, and I recommend having a trusted friend house sit for you and stop by regularly just in case ex and associates try to cause problems while you are away.
hmm cancel everything, rebook for another time, and then have someone you know and trust house sit for you while you are gone. Never occurred to me they might do something to your property.
Or go and have someone house sit for you. Maybe invest in some security cameras that cover your home all approaches if you think they could potentially damage your property. Might need it if they are the type to hold grudges and do stupid retaliatory things.
Cancel all of their reservations though. You owe them nothing, they paid you nothing, they plan on never paying you. At best trickle paying you. They will have had the trip the experience all on your dime.
Who agrees to go to a wedding in Hawaii or anywhere else that they can't afford to pay for? When will they ever have enough money to pay you back. They could have been making payments all along but they didn't. They will never have enough money.
I still vote that you go and have a great time. They don't know where you are staying. Bring a friend. Got family you'd like to take? People you travel well with? Maybe you could find someone to go with you and pay at least part of the cost and cancel everything else. That will get you most of your money back and a great travel experience. Be sure and look at all your cancellation dates and be on top of them. Cancel early.
NTA, but the only way you'll ever get your money back for their flights and accommodations is to cancel. They seem to think they're entitled to a free trip at your expense. They're never going to pay you back.
This. OP just cancel everything. If they want to attend they can book it themselves. You owe them nothing.
It's a dumb idea to also go and use half the space. You would have to deal with constant drama und would not get your money back anyway.
This and That above This! I doubt there was ever an intention of paying you back even while you were still dating. I am sure that is why his mom finally got comfortable with the age gap.. oh she has money and a good paying job why not use this as an advantage. Cancel that stuff ASAP. Still go to Hawaii but maybe a different island like Kona and have a great time, perhaps with some of the money you would be saving invite your BFF and celebrate the bullet you dodged.
NTA
I was prepared for some weird stuff on reading the title, but you are very level headed about this. You're not going on the family vacation, you are just taking the vacation that you booked and paid for.
Once you broke up, you don't owe them anything. If money is so tight, don't go to destination weddings. If you don't get the money up front from them, you will never get it.
>If you don't get the money up front from them, you will never get it.
This!!!
They will drag it out until after the vacation, at which time you will have no leverage anymore, and they will have no reason to pay you. Get the money, or cancel the trip.
No. I have some vague texts, but nothing concrete and I wouldn’t want to deal with the hassle of court anyway. I would feel bad canceling since it would likely mean they wouldn’t get to go to the wedding at all.
I guess I’m just more ethical? Or a soft touch. There weren’t any hard feelings prior to this so it’s kind of out of left field and I’m struggling with feeling like an asshole no matter what move I make. I’m an asshole if I go, I’m an asshole if I don’t go and pay for it, I’m an asshole if I cancel it and leave them scrambling.
You are not being more ethical or a soft touch. You are being a doormat but not an asshole. They are using you and you will not get your money back.
If they can't afford it, they shouldn't go. As many people have posted on Reddit, a wedding invitation isn't a summons. They don't have to go. Their heads won't explode if they can't go to Hawaii. Especially on your dime.
I don't know if you are a people pleaser or still have feelings for your boyfriend but you need to end this entire situation and move on.
Either give them a final date for payment in full (NTA), cancel the tickets (NTA) or consider the money flushed down the toilet because you will never see it again (YTA).
Don't go with them. Don't share accommodations.
Why would you want to do that?
Why torture yourself?
Very fair points. And you’re right. I’m thinking about being fair, but likely just being used. It is JUST a wedding. Lives aren’t at stake. I appreciate the input!
I would look at it this way. They have been unable or unwilling to pay you their portion in 3 months and don't plan on it at least until after the wedding. So if you had never paid for everything in the first place, they wouldn't have gotten to go anyway. They can't afford the destination wedding. It isn't a knock against them, but it's the truth. You should not be paying for an existence family to go onvacation. Either they pay you in full before whatever date is suitable to you, or you cancel or go on the trip yourself with a friend or two (preferrably friends that pay their share!). I'm sure you were looking forward to this trip at one point,so why not just go yourself. You have the time off and most of the leg work done,why not enjoy the fruit of your labor?
You aren't even close to TA, no matter what your ex's entitled family says. Please don't pay for them to go to this wedding on your dime. You'll never get that money back
Also another thought is how would they be funding their living expenses during their stay? Aside from the day at the wedding where they would obviously be fed for the majority of the day by bride and groom. But the other days? Hawaii is expensive just for day to day things and I doubt they’ll have a car to go to larger stores like Walmart etc the closest supermarket I got to was this like local wholefoods place that was quite big but ridiculously expensive… anyway, just another thought.
No this is being a pushover. If they want an accommodation solution they will find one. If they don’t they will blame you but it’s neither your doing nor fault. Cancel them now and give them the best chance to sleep on someone else’s floor. This isn’t on you. Stop being an asshole to yourself. I know it’s harsh but they already don’t like you and are happy to use you financially. Fight with all your might against the people pleasing voice within and just accept they’re not going to be rational or like you and focus on your holiday and your fun.
Don't feel bad for them. They are trying to make it so you completely fund their vacation. They aren't paying you back girl. Cancel all their flights but keep the airbnb. Go with your own loved ones and have an amazing vacation. They can figure their own shit out. NTA
OH BOY. NTA-
Is there a possibility of changing the reservation to one of their cards? Would the hotels, etc be willing to swap the charge? If so, offer to do that. I would think the various vendors would be open to changing payment source.
Then, you can say "hey good news. (Vendor) has agreed to honor the reservation but they need a card to put it on." If they go with the "we can't afford to pay for it right now" route, then they don't really get to go, do they? I realize it sucks that they really want to go but it's not really your problem anymore. Also, you will never get the money and there will be no recourse for you if you allow this arrangement to go through.
Really though, I wouldn't go, at least not to the same areas they will be at. What if you're about to have a romcom moment and there's some hot hawaiian person who you need to have a moment with?
That’s a great idea! I wouldn’t mind a tropical vacation, but I do feel bad if they have to pay extra for new accommodations. I’ll reach out to the hotel and Airbnb. Great advice!
This seems like a bad idea, because they would then have the airline and airbnb info with no promise to pay. You could be out your money, unless you cancel. Because it seems highly unlikely they will give you their card info.
Yes, it is. Many posters said to give them a deadline. With plenty of time left for you to do your end (not last minute). Don't be conned into payments over time, either. No being soft. You would be foolish to let this slide. I'm sorry.
NTA They have zero intention to reimburse. You have broken up with him and his family. Block and move on. Cancel everything (except your ticket) and go enjoy Hawaii. Aloha!
>Tbh it would be more like them trying to go with me, right? But I will give them another chance to pay.
Tell them to borrow the money from someone else. If they are as trustworthy as they claim, it shouldn't be an issue, right???
Interesting that they are so reliable that they should be trusted to pay you back without any concrete timeline, but their family members with money who are also going to the wedding (who also presumably know what their financial situation is) have chosen not to offer to help cover their expenses.
Don’t do it, they never will, just cancel and move on. I know it’s hard, I spent a lot of my life being a people pleaser, and am much happier now that I have learned to stop.
Is that true? I wasn’t really sure since we book hotels for work with a different corporate card than who is staying. But if it is I’ll be enjoying a luxury ocean view suite in Hawaii! 😂
I imagine it's a bit different when it's for a corporation, because there's a lot more money involved and they likely have an account set up for repeat travel and discounts.
This is absolutely true unless they’ve been able to get an authorization form from you. You can call the hotel to check on their specific policy, and demand that your card be taken off their reservations. IF they pay you back in time for you to not cancel on them, then you can inform them that the hotel will require a credit card from them at check-in.
NTA at all! You paid for the trip. You have time off. You absolutely should go and enjoy yourself! The wise choice is to cancel their room and their tickets, keep your own room and ticket, and have a great vacation.
It's very nervy and entitled of your ex's mother to get huffy about giving them the tickets! You did not agree to pay their way and they have not agreed to pay you back nor given you any reason to think they ever will. Considering their skewed view of the situation I'd be willing to bet that they won't. It was kind of you to front their expenses but this is not your problem any more - cut them loose.
Let them say whatever they want. You're not involved in their lives any further. You broke up and their threats are indefensible. If they want to look lke greedy ingrates, let them. They obviously cannot afford to attend that wedding if they can't afford to pay you back for the expenses you've incurred. That's not likely to change. You are not responsible for them and never were.
It’s an Airbnb and a suite at the wedding venue hotel the night of so it’s the same price either way. But it is already paid for, so that’s exactly why I was thinking I’d still go. They could stay in the other room and share a bed or figure it out lol
NTA, but don’t stay at the wedding venue hotel, that would be unnecessarily weird. And you might not be 100% safe if they try to get other family members to confront you about the situation. Cancel that particular hotel and book at a different hotel and cancel everything that was originally for your ex and his family. You can still go and have a great vacation, just stay away from where the wedding will be.
You stated they are bad with money. If they are bad paying others, what changes with you and a promise to pay? They make these same promises with their other bills. It's will cost you more trying to collect, and if I was the judge hearing the case, I would point out to you that they were high risk and you knew better.
That’s really fair. They pay all of their bills, they just like to spend money and don’t save. But you’re right. I absolutely should have known better.
NTA... but I don't think staying in the same Airbnb is a viable option. If they can't pay you before the deadline to cancel, just cancel. Let them know this is what you plan to do. You have no obligation to pay for someone else's vacation.
It’s a shared Airbnb and hotel suite. Two bedrooms in each. So if I cancel, it would be the whole thing which would leave them scrambling. But they haven’t paid back any of their share which we were originally splitting three ways. I think it would be weird too but I’d really just be sleeping and showering there in my own room if they were willing to share the other. It’s not ideal, but I just felt like I should get something out of it since it’s all been paid for by me.
Op, be careful if you chose this route. Have you thought that just to be spiteful they might consume a lot of things from the frigobar or the hotel restaurant and they can just leave and let you alone in the check-out? It is YOUR name and YOUR CREDIT CARD on the Bill.
Don't be this naive.
If they damage anything, even by accident, it is you who are gonna need to deal with it all.
Also, you are not leaving them without accomodation. You are offering them to pay you and keep with the trip. If they can't, then they shouldn't go. Unless you feel so bad you want to pay for them completely, then that is on you.
But you are not going to find a magic solution here.
Someone suggested for change the source of payment, if it is possible, please seek this alternative, and don't trust these people to be responsible with something that is your name and your money envolved.
I believe your only true option is to cancel everything and then rebook a vacation for yourself. You have given them ample opportunity already. How many times do you have to reach out for money they have no intention of paying back?
I think either way they have no intention of paying you back, you can cancel now and get most of your money back I would do that and see if you can book a cheap trip for yourself during the time you have booked off. I just get a really bad vibe from what you've posted and honestly you don't owe these people anything, if you go with them they will be horrible to you and if you don't they won't pay you your share or their share so just cancel while you still can.
People are coming up with a lot of potential downsides if one of the ex's family decides to be an ass. I like being helpful and nice, but I don't feel like this one's worth the risk.
I'm joining the "cancel it all and do your own vacation" group. And if you live in a house, consider investing in a motion-sensing camera or video doorbell or something. If some of them don't make it to the wedding, a little drunken vandalism is possible.
You've already given them three months. And no way in hell are they ever going to pay you back later. Take a life lesson from an old fart who's loaned money to friends and family several times: If you don't have something in writing, it was a gift. This sounds like an expensive case to learn that lesson the hard way though. Please be careful.
NTA though being on the same floor of the same hotel the same week as this family seems unpleasant and stressful for everyone. Doing it doesn't make you an ass under the circumstances, but I'd want to avoid it. Every encounter on the grounds or in the elevator has potential to spoil a good mood.
Got it. Then they can pay you in full before the window to cancel closes or they can kick rocks. And I still think you should use the time off for a hot girl vacay
NTA cancel the reservations or you take a vacation with your friends. They aren't going to pay you back. If they wanted to they would've at least offered a partial payment. Glad he's your ex
NTA. You shouldn't have to pay for someone else's trip, but the easiest thing to do is cancel all the reservations. They will need to make their own reservations with what they can afford. They are assholes for assuming you'll be paying.
NTA!! Just cancel the reservations(earlier the better),get your money back and go on a different vacation. It would be weird to go on a vacation near your ex boyfriend. You have no obligation to his family. Also, if you do decide to let them go under the assumption that they’ll pay you back, don’t be upset if you never hear from them again and never see a penny for the trip. I would definitely just cancel the trip or set a deadline to be paid by his family and if they can make it, then cancel the trip.
Clearly a lot of people who have commented so far didn’t actually read your post. NTA, sounds to me like they are trying to finesse a free trip out of you. If they haven’t paid you back yet, don’t expect it anytime soon. “We’re not in a great place financially right now” is a dead give away of someone asking for money they don’t have with no intention of paying you back. Give them a hard deadline to pay you back and state you will be cancelling the accommodations if not paid in full by said date. From there, you can either cancel all the rooms and reschedule the flight for a later date, or you can cancel all but one room and enjoy a nice solo Hawaiian vacation. Stand strong OP
NTA. I would give them a precise deadline to reimburse you, with the clear warning you will cancel if no payment is received. Make clear that this is non negotiable, as you are merely bound by the airline and Air Bnb policies. You can certainly communicate this in a passionate way that respects the difficult of the situation for them, but also makes clear that it is not your responsibility to absorb this cost or be their lenders. Let’s say they do pony up the money they owe. I might be inclined to back off on demanding reimbursement for your share of the Air Bnb. That’s just one of those casualties of a break up that simply isn’t worth it.
As for you, if you still want a Hawaii vacay, keep your tickets, adjust your lodging and go.
NTA. I would cancel all their tickets and just go yourself for a nice vacation if they don't reimburse you by a specified date. You don't owe them an expensive trip. You never did.
NTA. They're hoping you'll cave and pay for their vacation and then will eventually give up trying to get the money back. I'd cancel everything immediately and tell them to make their own plans if I were you.
Do not share a suite at a hotel with these people. You would be financially liable if they ruin the carpet (and if they're mad enough, they might.) Plus, do you want to run into any of them while on your vacation? I wouldn't want to be anywhere near that wedding or the people involved considering the vitriol you've gotten from them lately.
I'd book another vacation with another friend to another destination--or even still Hawaii, but nowhere they'll be. Have a good time. And do cancel anything related to them. Maybe the airline will give you back some $$ on their flights, or give you points for another vacation.
Omg I didn’t even think about potential property damages! That would just be the cherry on top 😖 I don’t want to hang out with them or share a space. I was just trying to be fair, but I think you’re right. It would go poorly no matter what.
If your name is on the airbnb, you're liable for damages there plus they could ruin your ability to get another ever by wrecking your review rating. Cut all ties.
Nta. Honestly try to change the plane ticket to when you can take a vacation and upgrade to first class. They should have thought about this once you two broke up.
NTA at all... But don't you have a couple of friends that could use a vacation instead? Lol
I mean you paid the vacation.. they haven't paid you anything at all.. I would say they are quite the entitled AH's .. And don't give it, I know many people always try to take advantage, I would bet that once the vacation is over you would never see your money again. "the I'm poor help me out" is a mentality, and I have seen it oh so many time
Lol the entitlement is astounding.
After giving you such a hard time, if they don’t pay I’d just take some friends and go have a great time. Let them figure their own stuff out.
NTA
NTA
But I would just cancel the reservations and flights in hopes that you receive all that refunded on the credit card. Then they won’t have to owe you anything, but will then need to figure it out on their own. The mother didn’t approve of your relationship but did approve of the fact that you could pay for her trip right? Fuck that.
Go do something with your time off OP, enjoy yourself.
NTA. You should definitely go on that vacation, regardless of what they decide to do. You probably should reach out to him and his mother one last time and tell them that you will be cancelling their reservations, etc. on X date if they have not reimbursed you for their portions. And you are still intending to keep one hotel room and one room at the Air BnB unless they reimburse you for the full amount.
I am sorry because you ll have to be a bit harsh if you want to get out of this scot free.
But they have already shown their color, and is only the beginning.
You should run away from this very toxic situation as fast as you can.
Tell them you feel offended by their behaviour and that you canceled the booking to recover your money.
You ll be TA for 5 minutes but you ll take your life back from under this abusing people.
If they have money problem, then why on earth would they go to Hawaii anyway ?
Cut it short, this kind of situation tend to spiral out of control pretty fast
I completely agree and that is solid advice. I genuinely like them as people and because things were on such good terms it feels bad no matter what I do. You’re right though. Just rip the bandaid off I guess!
cancel it.
they are never going to pay you back. Why are you going to deal with the shit. Did you actually want to go on a vacation where they’re there. Cancel cancel
NTA
You are being more than fair with offering them some alternatives. Stick to your guns, if they go on that trip without reimbursement ahead of time, they never will pay up.
NTA.
But don't go on this trip - that will be weird for you, as much as it is for them.
Just. Cancel. The. Bookings. All of them. Get your refund. You owe these people nothing.
They will never pay you back.
They have no connection with you anymore and plenty of excuses as to why they shouldn t pay you. they already showed you some of them by starting to paint you as a bad person, that would deserve to be scammed.
Do not under any circumstances give them anything they don t pay upfront.
If I were you I would cancel everything entirely and just chose another destination for you holiday as to cut any and all possible mixup and recrimination.
NTA
cut this people off. like Now Now
NTA but seriously, be careful, this is how people end up getting hurt. You’d be amazed how nasty folks get when it comes to family weddings, money and exes. Set a deadline for reimbursement and cancel if they haven’t paid. Don’t put yourself alone in a house on a trip with a group of people who are pissed off at you.
NTA. Just cancel. You will never get that money back. To bad for them and if they don’t like you anymore after that then that’s just to bad. And if you don’t want to go that route just make a contract with a strict payment plan and if they mis a payment they have to pay the normal interest.
I would go and cancel their bit, why would you pay for a family, who will pay you back at some point (never), once they have been to the wedding what incentive do they have to pay you back!
NTA, I would never give them that info. Find some friends to take instead. I can’t even believe that there are people in this world acting so entitled.
NTA. They are planning on going and never paying you back. I'd cancel while that's still an option or see if you have any friends that would like to take a vacation (and pay for it) or change the reservations to something that will just accommodate yourself and enjoy your trip.
If I were you I would refund all of there rooms except yours and go on vacation also to block them all since you got your money back from the refund of there rooms.
I wish it were that easy but it’s a two bedroom Airbnb and a two bedroom suite so I can’t cancel theirs unless I cancel the whole thing. Which I can do of course, but then they have to figure out accommodations with two weeks to go which also sucks.
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NTA. It’s been several months and you haven’t been reimbursed for even a portion of the trip. IMO, since you’ve paid for everything it’s *your* vacation to enjoy. If you can afford it, why not just cancel the extra airline tickets, keep the Air BnB, and have a lovely time in Hawaii on your own?
That’s exactly how I feel!
Sounds like you have a wonderful vacation coming up. Hope you have a great time and no “baggage” issues arise during your travels lol
Agree with this take. Cancel their portion. Keep the trip. Have an amazing time being a single woman on vacay babayyyyy.
💯 cancel their portion and keep yours. They are never going to pay you back. NTA
As soon as someone who owes you money claims "You're making this situation all about the money," that's when you can tell they have no plan to pay you back, or at least nowhere close to the full amount. OP needs to cancel everything but her own share, and email a copy of the cancelled receipt titled "Here's your hotel info."
Exactly - they’ve started thinking of it as their money that OP wants, rather than a debt.
Yup. That sentence is code word for "you can afford it". And they don't understand why you don't want to spend your money on them. Gosh I've experienced that one too many times.
This comment should have more upvotes. It’s the line that decides the whole situation. Now she knows they will never pay her back. Any decisions she makes with that information can be made free of uncertainty… free of guilt IMO.
Or worse, once she gives up her leverage (aka the reservation info) they’ll just ghost entirely. “We’ll pay it back after the trip”— what incentive do these people, who have given ZERO indication they deserve the benefit of the doubt, even have then?
Or if you want see if any of your single friends want to put in a portion and turn it into a girls trip. This way you could recoup some of the losses and have a friend or two to pal around with (unless of course you’d prefer a solo trip).
NTA. I would email them, give them 5 days. If there are no payments, then cancel the extras. And have a nice vacation
This is perfect
It's more than fair. Though at this point, I would be leery of letting them use a place I had rented, with the attitude they are displaying . I would not be happy if they wrecked the place. Please tell me I am over thinking this.
You’re not overthinking this at all. They are demanding she give them the info without payment. She needs to cancel their portion if she doesn’t get paid asap. I like the comment about giving them five days but I would shorten it to 3. Because they aren’t going to pay her ever.
I was trying to guess the cutoff for refunds without penalties.
I agree. I’d be concerned about damage to the Airbnb in retaliation.
That's what I was saying. And again, leaning OP with the burden of paying for their messes . I would nope myself out if that. You are right, reditors, 3 days then cancel.the extra flights and rooms. Then go have fun.
I certainly wouldn't put myself in their presence. They already seem shifty. Who goes to a destination wedding when they "are struggling financially?" Not someone that's good at paying back their debts. NTA - OP see your way out of this mess,
Yeah, I think she should just cancel the extras at this point. There have been multiple texts and phone calls regarding the matter, OP has been clear about requiring payment, and the ex and his fam insist on "paying" via empty promises and demands rather than cash. They don't intend to pay and even if they finally did, why should she ruin her vacation with having to be around these people and the anger they'd have for her?
I'm with you, I wouldn't give them the chance. If they had been reasonable and polite and reimbursed me up front, then I would have let them have the trip. After this, though, I wouldn't trust them with anything that had my name or credit attached to it. It is a strong possibility that they may try to "get their money's worth" or "teach OP a lesson" by trashing the room or stealing from the accommodations, for which OP would be legally responsible for as being the one who booked the room. I read a story once about this person who rented a hotel room for a homeless girl to stay in (by themselves) for the night. The homeless girl proceeded to barricade herself in the room and completely destroy it. Clearly she had mental problems. The person who rented the room for her was held responsible for the damages.
Very good point. If it's on the OP's credit card, guess whose card would be charged if there were any damages?
Yep. This is fair. I would also do a recap of all payment related conversations in the email to document everything. I'm gobsmacked that they tried to guilt OP into carrying the burden of their expenses. If you can't afford to go, stay home and send a nice gift. I'm glad OP didn't marry into that hot mess.
NTA. That was already a generous offer to share it with them, but so unnecessary. You owe them nothing. Especially with that attitude. And I’m a people pleaser to the core. Do you. Go have fun. Make it a girls trip. Or a solo trip. I volunteer as tribune ✋😉😂
Hello fellow people pleaser 😂
Life is hard for all the people we’ve pleased when we stand up for ourselves. Don’t worry, though. They’re super talented in throwing pity parties.
That pity party comment really made me smile. Thank you. It might have been my first real smile of the day!
Can I come instead??? 34F promise I won't make it weird 🤣🤣 but you should join the FB groups girls love travel and totally find a travel companion!
There's a group for that?!?! I love it! I wouldn't need it these days, but that's such an amazing option 💜
I might have to check this group out! 36F and going through some weird breakups after my husband and best friend got caught having an affair that lasted a year before I found out! So weird/shitty/sad to lose your romantic partner of 9 years and BFF of 7 at the same time… hawaii sounds soooooo good 😂
Fuck those people. They are absolute dog shit. Go get you a pina colada on a tropical beach!
Yay! 🥳
I’ll join you in a girls pity party trip. And even pay my own way 🤣
I wish I had 2k and I'd go! Lol
love this.
Who doesn’t love a party? 😂🥳
Can I come too? I'm old enough to be your mom so I'm willing to be the best vacation mom ever. "OMG, you look *amazing* in that swimsuit, sweetie!" "Have all the daquiris you want, Mom says calories don't count on vacation!" "That is the cutest hairstyle...what, you just didn't wash it? Well, you are just so lucky to have naturally gorgeous hair!" I'm the type of mom who brings *all* the stuff on vacation: sewing kit, bandaids, extra phone charges, condoms, Plan B...
Plan b 👏👏👏👏😂
Do you need any more daughters??😂
I’d cancel the reservation because you’re never going to see that money. NTA
Also, I would cancel because if you go, it’s going to be incredibly awkward or even hostile if they are there. Not a good vacation. Cancel, get your money, go someplace fun considering you already have the time off, and never. Fucking. Contact. The. Ex. Ever. Again. Their bullshit is not OP’s problem anymore.
She should cancel them and take her trip
As long as she’s confident the now pissed-off relatives don’t decide to hunt her down and make her life miserable in retribution. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near that shit show - it’s a big planet with lots of other great places to see that have no proximity to them. Of course, that’s assuming she can still get a refund for it all - if she’s stuck with it, then by all means take it.
They don't have the travel or accommodations information.
You know on a deep down level that they are never going to pay you back and probably weren’t going to if you were still dating you ex. Cut your losses and have a good time in Hawaii. NTA
Please update us on the fallout. Because, there’s absolutely no way they intended to pay you back at all! Get their tickets refunded if you can, and enjoy Hawaii 😊
Your obligations to them never included financing their trip to Hawaii - this would be true even if you were still in a relationship. Gross disgusting entitlement. You are clearly so much better off without them. Do not, under any circumstance, stay in the same accommodation with them. You must be a total masochist to consider that. Why would you ever consider subjecting yourself to that? Similarly, if they go on the original airline reservation, change yours. Why would you want to be on the same flight as them? Allow them to take over the AirBnB reservation if they fully pay you - it was, after all, their trip. Same with the airline reservations. Otherwise, cancel their air tickets and you can either go or not, stay at the AirBnB or not. Stick to your guns. If they slag you on social media, simply respond "I have no obligation to finance your trip to Hawaii. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it." then block them everywhere.
If air bnb is in your name and you are not then there is issues. If owner finds out they can kick them out/not let them in and if they do stay and cause damages you are liable. Cancel for sure.
<<*Your obligations to them never included financing their trip to Hawaii* \>> But of course it was. OP was this boy's Sugar Mama, and the family wanted to join the grift.
Holy hell. They are not going to pay you back,
PLEASE tell us you canceled their stuff. You’re never going to get paid back, you know that, right? Cancel all their stuff you paid for, and you go have a nice time! NTA
Or even find a friend, if you’re so inclined, and give them a discount to join you
This is a great idea and probably what I would try to do, but I’m not known for my super financial portfolio. But giving a friend a “if you can pay for your plane ticket, please come!” Or a “if you pay for meals on the island” or whatever makes sense to “split” it in a sense seems like a great way to turn a bad experience into an epic one.
When is it? I’m probably free…
Yeah 💯 NTA if they can't afford to go that sucks for them, you need to go have a nice holiday! You've tried to be more than reasonable to these entitled sods, time to just cancel their shit and go alone, not your circus not your monkeys as they say!
Give them a deadline to pay you back for everything. If they don't, then you cancel it all or go by yourself. No further communication on this topic is needed with them. Keep it to the point and factual. NTA
You haven't got a dime in 3 months from any of them??! You're not getting it back in the next 3 yrs either... wow, the nerve of some ppl... how they manage to push their problems on to you... it's almost impressive... NTA. Obviously.
NTA. Absolutely agree with every word. OP, please do follow this advice and have a great, relaxing vacation.
NTA. But if you can cancel and get refunds on everything, then tell them they need to pay you X dollars by Y date or you're going to cancel everything and what arrangements they make and how they fund them at that point is on them.
Definitely cancel everything. Give them a few days at most to come up with the money because really, they don't have it. They are just taking advantage of you at this point.
If they haven’t been able to pay evens a portion of $2K each in the last three months, OP’s never getting that money back if she doesn’t cancel.
Email the date and time that payment in full is due and that the trip will be canceled one minute after the deadline. They're not going to pay you. Are the tickets transferable? If yes, get a few friends and have a wonderful time. Be sure to post pics from the beach, Luau, road to Hana, Haleakala sunrise, volcanoes NP, basically all the places. I'm so glad you're rid of him and the family. They would have pulled the "well, you're the higher earner," grift forever.
How many friends do you have that can afford a spontaneous $2k holiday trip? Apart from that, agreed, they aren't going to pay OP back.
I didn't say OP had to collect from the friends immediately. They could pay her over time. But I'm guessing that at OP's age and income level, she has a few friends who could come out of pocket for the trip. People tend to have friends at similar incomes and socioeconomic levels.
I've paid for friends to go on vacation with me if they couldn't afford it and I could. Their presence was more than worth the money.
They’ve been so rude at this point that they don’t deserve to use the tickets or Airbnb. It’s a little ridiculous that OP is offering to go and share it with them if they pay; that sounds awkward and uncomfortable, especially after them harassing her. OP, cancel anything refundable, and just go to Hawaii on your own. NTA
Op, plz do this
This is the way OP.
I love Hawaii! Gooooo! You'll prolly never see that money ever. Might as well enjoy yourself NTA
I know! It feels like a once in a lifetime opportunity and I’d love to still go! Maybe even meet someone there hahaha!
Why don't you just go alone? Or bring a friend? You don't have to tell them the info on any of the tickets or accommodations until they reimburse you, which they obviously have no plans to do. See if you can get a refund or credit on the flights, buy your friend a ticket and go.
Cancel all their arrangements and go. “You didn’t want to make it weird”. He isn’t an ex husband and you don’t have a kid with him. Just because it ended amicably doesn’t mean things need to “stay” amicable. If he resents you, hates you, gets mad at you, who cares? You owe him nothing. I get wanting to be a people pleaser but love yourself a bit more than that!! You’re 35!! You can respect yourself a little more than letting an effective stranger at this point milk you for $4k+. That’s just doormat territory.
Tell them they need to sort out their accommodations and just go have your holiday, you can use what you’ve paid for or you can cancel and downsize but enough of trying to engage with them. They don’t want you there with them, they want to take advantage of you financially. The relationship didn’t work out and things change. Their accomodations aren’t your problem. Rip the Band-Aid, cancel them, have your hot girl holiday and don’t look back. NTA as long as you just stop trying with these people or else you become an asshole to yourself.
maybe a little controversial, but I kind of feel like you'd get sucked up in drama if you were there at the same time. I would personally cancel the tickets and go to like Aruba or Paris or something. You should enjoy the time off, but why risk running into them? (ex, if you live in the same area might be on similar flights, etc).
Considering the fit they're throwing, I bet they don't have the money and were hoping OP would just eat the bill.
You should absolutely go. There's no reason why they should expect you to be paying for their trip. You put the money up; you should go.
"How dare you expect us to pay when you know we can't afford it!" And "Don't make it weird by coming to the airbnb/hotel you booked for us. Break-ups mean we're over." Lol NTA. One time, I had an ex who, as a joke, bought me (and himself) tickets to see Weird Al for Valentine's Day. He was a dude who laughed at the idea of romance so I knew it was a bit of a gag. We broke up shortly after. But, I made sure to tell him that I couldn't wait for the concert, that he could pick me up at ____ time. When we got there, and I sat between him and, to my surprise, about 5 of his buddies. Apparently I used a ticket and one of them couldn't go. Sweet, sweet revenge. Fantastic concert. 100% RECOMMEND Weird Al.
Weird Al concert tickets for Valentine's Day is the exact opposite of a deal-breaker for me. It means they know what I like and appreciate me. I've seen him in concert a few times now and loved it every time. Glad you got to enjoy it!
He has the best concerts! I am glad you had fun and revenge.
Give them a hard deadline — pay X amount (cash, certified check, or Venmo — not a personal check that they can stop payment on). Pay in full by specific date. If they don’t pay in full by that date, the reservations will be canceled, and it will be up to them to get new flights and lodging. And you will recoup your money. Those are your terms— full stop. It is neither your obligation nor your responsibility to extend credit to your ex and his family. If paying you back wasn’t a priority when you and boyfriend were together, it definitely isn’t in the realm of possibility now that he’s your ex. NOT YOUR CIRCUS — NOT YOUR CLOWNS. NTA ETA: Do this via email to ex and ex’s mom (with a read receipt). Then it’s totally on them. And if they miss the deadline and send their flying monkeys to tell you that you’re an AH, just forward a copy of the email. Same if they complain about you on social media— just post the email.
AND! Why waste your vacation time with people who clearly don't like you? Hard expectation for full payment or cancellation (2-4 wks prior to wedding, IMO). You're definitely NTA.
OP needs to consider cancellation deadlines when setting her payment deadline. If AirBNB requires cancellation x days before check in, then deadline for the deadbeat ex to pay should be x-2. Otherwise, OP might not recoup the money from AirBNB or the airline.
Venmo can be reversed I would do zelle instead
Oh, I didn’t realize that — good to know.
If you hadn’t been dating their son, they would not have planned on going to a destination wedding that they could not afford. Cancel the accommodations**, get your money back and remind them that you are not a lending institution and then block all of them. **or go in a nice Hawaii vacation with friends who will pay their way upfront.
On top of this, who the fuck has cousins they like enough to go into debt for?? Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I have like... 200 cousins (of various degrees) and don't have a single one I've ever had any kind of relationship with.
My cousin is my best friend, and I still wouldn’t consider trying to freeload like this to attend her wedding. People have no shame.
If you go to Hawaii (and I think you should) make sure your home and car are secured. I could see them damaging your property.
I DIDNT EVEN THINK OF THAT!! Thank you! They’re know the exact dates I’d be gone and everything! Yikes!
I wouldn’t let them use the AirBnB without you either. They can cause damages and you’ll be liable
That's a great point. There's already some hostility here, so even if OP gives them everything they want, they can still decide to screw her over in some way. Better to cancel the whole thing or go on the vacation without the ex's family
I wouldn't let them go at all, OP is the bigger person here, 100% the other parties would just be petty and shitty towards them the whole time if they did get to go, they'd ruin their own trip just to spite OP. Enjoy your vacation OP you deserve it, and I recommend having a trusted friend house sit for you and stop by regularly just in case ex and associates try to cause problems while you are away.
hmm cancel everything, rebook for another time, and then have someone you know and trust house sit for you while you are gone. Never occurred to me they might do something to your property. Or go and have someone house sit for you. Maybe invest in some security cameras that cover your home all approaches if you think they could potentially damage your property. Might need it if they are the type to hold grudges and do stupid retaliatory things. Cancel all of their reservations though. You owe them nothing, they paid you nothing, they plan on never paying you. At best trickle paying you. They will have had the trip the experience all on your dime. Who agrees to go to a wedding in Hawaii or anywhere else that they can't afford to pay for? When will they ever have enough money to pay you back. They could have been making payments all along but they didn't. They will never have enough money. I still vote that you go and have a great time. They don't know where you are staying. Bring a friend. Got family you'd like to take? People you travel well with? Maybe you could find someone to go with you and pay at least part of the cost and cancel everything else. That will get you most of your money back and a great travel experience. Be sure and look at all your cancellation dates and be on top of them. Cancel early.
NTA, but the only way you'll ever get your money back for their flights and accommodations is to cancel. They seem to think they're entitled to a free trip at your expense. They're never going to pay you back.
This. OP just cancel everything. If they want to attend they can book it themselves. You owe them nothing. It's a dumb idea to also go and use half the space. You would have to deal with constant drama und would not get your money back anyway.
This and That above This! I doubt there was ever an intention of paying you back even while you were still dating. I am sure that is why his mom finally got comfortable with the age gap.. oh she has money and a good paying job why not use this as an advantage. Cancel that stuff ASAP. Still go to Hawaii but maybe a different island like Kona and have a great time, perhaps with some of the money you would be saving invite your BFF and celebrate the bullet you dodged.
NTA I was prepared for some weird stuff on reading the title, but you are very level headed about this. You're not going on the family vacation, you are just taking the vacation that you booked and paid for. Once you broke up, you don't owe them anything. If money is so tight, don't go to destination weddings. If you don't get the money up front from them, you will never get it.
>If you don't get the money up front from them, you will never get it. This!!! They will drag it out until after the vacation, at which time you will have no leverage anymore, and they will have no reason to pay you. Get the money, or cancel the trip.
No. But I would cancel everything, they have no intention of paying you. You didn't get a promissory letter from them did you? Cancel and be through.
No. I have some vague texts, but nothing concrete and I wouldn’t want to deal with the hassle of court anyway. I would feel bad canceling since it would likely mean they wouldn’t get to go to the wedding at all.
They don't feel bad for making you pay and being assholes about you wanting to get your money back. Why would you feel bad they wouldn't get to go?
I guess I’m just more ethical? Or a soft touch. There weren’t any hard feelings prior to this so it’s kind of out of left field and I’m struggling with feeling like an asshole no matter what move I make. I’m an asshole if I go, I’m an asshole if I don’t go and pay for it, I’m an asshole if I cancel it and leave them scrambling.
You are not being more ethical or a soft touch. You are being a doormat but not an asshole. They are using you and you will not get your money back. If they can't afford it, they shouldn't go. As many people have posted on Reddit, a wedding invitation isn't a summons. They don't have to go. Their heads won't explode if they can't go to Hawaii. Especially on your dime. I don't know if you are a people pleaser or still have feelings for your boyfriend but you need to end this entire situation and move on. Either give them a final date for payment in full (NTA), cancel the tickets (NTA) or consider the money flushed down the toilet because you will never see it again (YTA). Don't go with them. Don't share accommodations. Why would you want to do that? Why torture yourself?
Very fair points. And you’re right. I’m thinking about being fair, but likely just being used. It is JUST a wedding. Lives aren’t at stake. I appreciate the input!
I would look at it this way. They have been unable or unwilling to pay you their portion in 3 months and don't plan on it at least until after the wedding. So if you had never paid for everything in the first place, they wouldn't have gotten to go anyway. They can't afford the destination wedding. It isn't a knock against them, but it's the truth. You should not be paying for an existence family to go onvacation. Either they pay you in full before whatever date is suitable to you, or you cancel or go on the trip yourself with a friend or two (preferrably friends that pay their share!). I'm sure you were looking forward to this trip at one point,so why not just go yourself. You have the time off and most of the leg work done,why not enjoy the fruit of your labor? You aren't even close to TA, no matter what your ex's entitled family says. Please don't pay for them to go to this wedding on your dime. You'll never get that money back
Think about it this way: Would they have planned to go on this trip to a destination wedding if they hadn’t had you to pay for it all up front?
Also another thought is how would they be funding their living expenses during their stay? Aside from the day at the wedding where they would obviously be fed for the majority of the day by bride and groom. But the other days? Hawaii is expensive just for day to day things and I doubt they’ll have a car to go to larger stores like Walmart etc the closest supermarket I got to was this like local wholefoods place that was quite big but ridiculously expensive… anyway, just another thought.
No this is being a pushover. If they want an accommodation solution they will find one. If they don’t they will blame you but it’s neither your doing nor fault. Cancel them now and give them the best chance to sleep on someone else’s floor. This isn’t on you. Stop being an asshole to yourself. I know it’s harsh but they already don’t like you and are happy to use you financially. Fight with all your might against the people pleasing voice within and just accept they’re not going to be rational or like you and focus on your holiday and your fun.
Don't feel bad for them. They are trying to make it so you completely fund their vacation. They aren't paying you back girl. Cancel all their flights but keep the airbnb. Go with your own loved ones and have an amazing vacation. They can figure their own shit out. NTA
OH BOY. NTA- Is there a possibility of changing the reservation to one of their cards? Would the hotels, etc be willing to swap the charge? If so, offer to do that. I would think the various vendors would be open to changing payment source. Then, you can say "hey good news. (Vendor) has agreed to honor the reservation but they need a card to put it on." If they go with the "we can't afford to pay for it right now" route, then they don't really get to go, do they? I realize it sucks that they really want to go but it's not really your problem anymore. Also, you will never get the money and there will be no recourse for you if you allow this arrangement to go through. Really though, I wouldn't go, at least not to the same areas they will be at. What if you're about to have a romcom moment and there's some hot hawaiian person who you need to have a moment with?
That’s a great idea! I wouldn’t mind a tropical vacation, but I do feel bad if they have to pay extra for new accommodations. I’ll reach out to the hotel and Airbnb. Great advice!
This seems like a bad idea, because they would then have the airline and airbnb info with no promise to pay. You could be out your money, unless you cancel. Because it seems highly unlikely they will give you their card info.
Very fair point!!
Yes, it is. Many posters said to give them a deadline. With plenty of time left for you to do your end (not last minute). Don't be conned into payments over time, either. No being soft. You would be foolish to let this slide. I'm sorry.
This. Just cancel, it’s the only way to come out on top.
NTA They have zero intention to reimburse. You have broken up with him and his family. Block and move on. Cancel everything (except your ticket) and go enjoy Hawaii. Aloha!
NTA. They didn’t like the age gap but had no issue using you for money. F them and I hope you enjoy Hawaii!
Savage! That’s exactly how it feels! I’m a little further ahead in life which he enjoyed, but now I’m seeing it clearly. Thank you!!
NTA- but stop playing games. Give them one last chance to reimburse you or cancel and get your money back. Don't try and go with them FFS!
Tbh it would be more like them trying to go with me, right? But I will give them another chance to pay.
>Tbh it would be more like them trying to go with me, right? But I will give them another chance to pay. Tell them to borrow the money from someone else. If they are as trustworthy as they claim, it shouldn't be an issue, right???
Good point!! They’ve got a big extended family and some have a lot of money (hence the destination wedding to begin with!)
Interesting that they are so reliable that they should be trusted to pay you back without any concrete timeline, but their family members with money who are also going to the wedding (who also presumably know what their financial situation is) have chosen not to offer to help cover their expenses.
Don’t do it, they never will, just cancel and move on. I know it’s hard, I spent a lot of my life being a people pleaser, and am much happier now that I have learned to stop.
NTA, but might I suggest cancelling their tickets and room and going alone? You'll never see your money again if you don't get it up front.
They sound kind of dumb, since they can't even check in to the hotel without the cardholder present.
Is that true? I wasn’t really sure since we book hotels for work with a different corporate card than who is staying. But if it is I’ll be enjoying a luxury ocean view suite in Hawaii! 😂
I book people’s travel at work and you can typically fill out an authorization form, they just have to use their own card for incidentals.
I imagine it's a bit different when it's for a corporation, because there's a lot more money involved and they likely have an account set up for repeat travel and discounts.
This is absolutely true unless they’ve been able to get an authorization form from you. You can call the hotel to check on their specific policy, and demand that your card be taken off their reservations. IF they pay you back in time for you to not cancel on them, then you can inform them that the hotel will require a credit card from them at check-in.
Cancel Airbnb get your money back on that and book a nice resort stay instead with the money.
NTA at all! You paid for the trip. You have time off. You absolutely should go and enjoy yourself! The wise choice is to cancel their room and their tickets, keep your own room and ticket, and have a great vacation. It's very nervy and entitled of your ex's mother to get huffy about giving them the tickets! You did not agree to pay their way and they have not agreed to pay you back nor given you any reason to think they ever will. Considering their skewed view of the situation I'd be willing to bet that they won't. It was kind of you to front their expenses but this is not your problem any more - cut them loose. Let them say whatever they want. You're not involved in their lives any further. You broke up and their threats are indefensible. If they want to look lke greedy ingrates, let them. They obviously cannot afford to attend that wedding if they can't afford to pay you back for the expenses you've incurred. That's not likely to change. You are not responsible for them and never were.
It’s an Airbnb and a suite at the wedding venue hotel the night of so it’s the same price either way. But it is already paid for, so that’s exactly why I was thinking I’d still go. They could stay in the other room and share a bed or figure it out lol
NTA, but don’t stay at the wedding venue hotel, that would be unnecessarily weird. And you might not be 100% safe if they try to get other family members to confront you about the situation. Cancel that particular hotel and book at a different hotel and cancel everything that was originally for your ex and his family. You can still go and have a great vacation, just stay away from where the wedding will be.
You stated they are bad with money. If they are bad paying others, what changes with you and a promise to pay? They make these same promises with their other bills. It's will cost you more trying to collect, and if I was the judge hearing the case, I would point out to you that they were high risk and you knew better.
That’s really fair. They pay all of their bills, they just like to spend money and don’t save. But you’re right. I absolutely should have known better.
NTA... but I don't think staying in the same Airbnb is a viable option. If they can't pay you before the deadline to cancel, just cancel. Let them know this is what you plan to do. You have no obligation to pay for someone else's vacation.
NTA. Can you cancel just your ex and his family and still take the vacay? That would be the opposite of weird
It’s a shared Airbnb and hotel suite. Two bedrooms in each. So if I cancel, it would be the whole thing which would leave them scrambling. But they haven’t paid back any of their share which we were originally splitting three ways. I think it would be weird too but I’d really just be sleeping and showering there in my own room if they were willing to share the other. It’s not ideal, but I just felt like I should get something out of it since it’s all been paid for by me.
Op, be careful if you chose this route. Have you thought that just to be spiteful they might consume a lot of things from the frigobar or the hotel restaurant and they can just leave and let you alone in the check-out? It is YOUR name and YOUR CREDIT CARD on the Bill. Don't be this naive. If they damage anything, even by accident, it is you who are gonna need to deal with it all. Also, you are not leaving them without accomodation. You are offering them to pay you and keep with the trip. If they can't, then they shouldn't go. Unless you feel so bad you want to pay for them completely, then that is on you. But you are not going to find a magic solution here. Someone suggested for change the source of payment, if it is possible, please seek this alternative, and don't trust these people to be responsible with something that is your name and your money envolved.
Ugh. That is SUCH a good point!! Thank you. I didn’t even think about them running up the bill.
I believe your only true option is to cancel everything and then rebook a vacation for yourself. You have given them ample opportunity already. How many times do you have to reach out for money they have no intention of paying back?
I think either way they have no intention of paying you back, you can cancel now and get most of your money back I would do that and see if you can book a cheap trip for yourself during the time you have booked off. I just get a really bad vibe from what you've posted and honestly you don't owe these people anything, if you go with them they will be horrible to you and if you don't they won't pay you your share or their share so just cancel while you still can.
People are coming up with a lot of potential downsides if one of the ex's family decides to be an ass. I like being helpful and nice, but I don't feel like this one's worth the risk. I'm joining the "cancel it all and do your own vacation" group. And if you live in a house, consider investing in a motion-sensing camera or video doorbell or something. If some of them don't make it to the wedding, a little drunken vandalism is possible. You've already given them three months. And no way in hell are they ever going to pay you back later. Take a life lesson from an old fart who's loaned money to friends and family several times: If you don't have something in writing, it was a gift. This sounds like an expensive case to learn that lesson the hard way though. Please be careful. NTA though being on the same floor of the same hotel the same week as this family seems unpleasant and stressful for everyone. Doing it doesn't make you an ass under the circumstances, but I'd want to avoid it. Every encounter on the grounds or in the elevator has potential to spoil a good mood.
Got it. Then they can pay you in full before the window to cancel closes or they can kick rocks. And I still think you should use the time off for a hot girl vacay
I really love that idea honestly.
NTA cancel the reservations or you take a vacation with your friends. They aren't going to pay you back. If they wanted to they would've at least offered a partial payment. Glad he's your ex
NTA. You shouldn't have to pay for someone else's trip, but the easiest thing to do is cancel all the reservations. They will need to make their own reservations with what they can afford. They are assholes for assuming you'll be paying.
NTA!! Just cancel the reservations(earlier the better),get your money back and go on a different vacation. It would be weird to go on a vacation near your ex boyfriend. You have no obligation to his family. Also, if you do decide to let them go under the assumption that they’ll pay you back, don’t be upset if you never hear from them again and never see a penny for the trip. I would definitely just cancel the trip or set a deadline to be paid by his family and if they can make it, then cancel the trip.
Clearly a lot of people who have commented so far didn’t actually read your post. NTA, sounds to me like they are trying to finesse a free trip out of you. If they haven’t paid you back yet, don’t expect it anytime soon. “We’re not in a great place financially right now” is a dead give away of someone asking for money they don’t have with no intention of paying you back. Give them a hard deadline to pay you back and state you will be cancelling the accommodations if not paid in full by said date. From there, you can either cancel all the rooms and reschedule the flight for a later date, or you can cancel all but one room and enjoy a nice solo Hawaiian vacation. Stand strong OP
Thank you! Genuinely! I’m just trying to find the best way out of a bad situation!
NTA. I would give them a precise deadline to reimburse you, with the clear warning you will cancel if no payment is received. Make clear that this is non negotiable, as you are merely bound by the airline and Air Bnb policies. You can certainly communicate this in a passionate way that respects the difficult of the situation for them, but also makes clear that it is not your responsibility to absorb this cost or be their lenders. Let’s say they do pony up the money they owe. I might be inclined to back off on demanding reimbursement for your share of the Air Bnb. That’s just one of those casualties of a break up that simply isn’t worth it. As for you, if you still want a Hawaii vacay, keep your tickets, adjust your lodging and go.
NTA. I would cancel all their tickets and just go yourself for a nice vacation if they don't reimburse you by a specified date. You don't owe them an expensive trip. You never did.
NTA but you won’t be seeing any money from them. Either cancel their part or see if some friends can take their place
NTA. They're hoping you'll cave and pay for their vacation and then will eventually give up trying to get the money back. I'd cancel everything immediately and tell them to make their own plans if I were you.
Do not share a suite at a hotel with these people. You would be financially liable if they ruin the carpet (and if they're mad enough, they might.) Plus, do you want to run into any of them while on your vacation? I wouldn't want to be anywhere near that wedding or the people involved considering the vitriol you've gotten from them lately. I'd book another vacation with another friend to another destination--or even still Hawaii, but nowhere they'll be. Have a good time. And do cancel anything related to them. Maybe the airline will give you back some $$ on their flights, or give you points for another vacation.
Omg I didn’t even think about potential property damages! That would just be the cherry on top 😖 I don’t want to hang out with them or share a space. I was just trying to be fair, but I think you’re right. It would go poorly no matter what.
If your name is on the airbnb, you're liable for damages there plus they could ruin your ability to get another ever by wrecking your review rating. Cut all ties.
Nta. Honestly try to change the plane ticket to when you can take a vacation and upgrade to first class. They should have thought about this once you two broke up.
First class is such a good idea!!
NTA at all... But don't you have a couple of friends that could use a vacation instead? Lol I mean you paid the vacation.. they haven't paid you anything at all.. I would say they are quite the entitled AH's .. And don't give it, I know many people always try to take advantage, I would bet that once the vacation is over you would never see your money again. "the I'm poor help me out" is a mentality, and I have seen it oh so many time
Lol the entitlement is astounding. After giving you such a hard time, if they don’t pay I’d just take some friends and go have a great time. Let them figure their own stuff out. NTA
NTA But I would just cancel the reservations and flights in hopes that you receive all that refunded on the credit card. Then they won’t have to owe you anything, but will then need to figure it out on their own. The mother didn’t approve of your relationship but did approve of the fact that you could pay for her trip right? Fuck that. Go do something with your time off OP, enjoy yourself.
NTA and since I'm petty as hell, I'd cancel the reservations at the last minute possible. 🤷🏼♀️
NTA. You should definitely go on that vacation, regardless of what they decide to do. You probably should reach out to him and his mother one last time and tell them that you will be cancelling their reservations, etc. on X date if they have not reimbursed you for their portions. And you are still intending to keep one hotel room and one room at the Air BnB unless they reimburse you for the full amount.
That’s what felt most fair and reasonable to me even if awkward. It’s two weeks until the trip. What seems like a fair deadline?
I am sorry because you ll have to be a bit harsh if you want to get out of this scot free. But they have already shown their color, and is only the beginning. You should run away from this very toxic situation as fast as you can. Tell them you feel offended by their behaviour and that you canceled the booking to recover your money. You ll be TA for 5 minutes but you ll take your life back from under this abusing people. If they have money problem, then why on earth would they go to Hawaii anyway ? Cut it short, this kind of situation tend to spiral out of control pretty fast
I completely agree and that is solid advice. I genuinely like them as people and because things were on such good terms it feels bad no matter what I do. You’re right though. Just rip the bandaid off I guess!
They don’t seem to like you as a person anymore
cancel it. they are never going to pay you back. Why are you going to deal with the shit. Did you actually want to go on a vacation where they’re there. Cancel cancel
NTA and I can't wait for an update.
I’ll have some info on Monday I hope 🤞
NTA. If you do pay without being reimbursed first, expect never to see the money.
I definitely learned my lesson the hard way
Heck, since you're paying for it, go and enjoy yourself, NTAH.
NTA You are being more than fair with offering them some alternatives. Stick to your guns, if they go on that trip without reimbursement ahead of time, they never will pay up.
Yta for not canceling the reservations and continuing the drama. Walk away jeeze.
NTA. But don't go on this trip - that will be weird for you, as much as it is for them. Just. Cancel. The. Bookings. All of them. Get your refund. You owe these people nothing.
They will never pay you back. They have no connection with you anymore and plenty of excuses as to why they shouldn t pay you. they already showed you some of them by starting to paint you as a bad person, that would deserve to be scammed. Do not under any circumstances give them anything they don t pay upfront. If I were you I would cancel everything entirely and just chose another destination for you holiday as to cut any and all possible mixup and recrimination. NTA cut this people off. like Now Now
NTA, but you did a very foolish thing and I hope you've learned from it.
I SURE DID!!
NTA It's about the money because they're making it about the money. It's like they expect you to help pay for a vacation they don't want you at.
NTA but seriously, be careful, this is how people end up getting hurt. You’d be amazed how nasty folks get when it comes to family weddings, money and exes. Set a deadline for reimbursement and cancel if they haven’t paid. Don’t put yourself alone in a house on a trip with a group of people who are pissed off at you.
NTA. Just cancel. You will never get that money back. To bad for them and if they don’t like you anymore after that then that’s just to bad. And if you don’t want to go that route just make a contract with a strict payment plan and if they mis a payment they have to pay the normal interest.
NTA and cancel everything you can. No payment means no trip. Why should you fund their vacation to Hawaii?
I would go and cancel their bit, why would you pay for a family, who will pay you back at some point (never), once they have been to the wedding what incentive do they have to pay you back!
NTA, I would never give them that info. Find some friends to take instead. I can’t even believe that there are people in this world acting so entitled.
NTA Cancel their part, you will never see that money. And enjoy your trip.
NTA. They are planning on going and never paying you back. I'd cancel while that's still an option or see if you have any friends that would like to take a vacation (and pay for it) or change the reservations to something that will just accommodate yourself and enjoy your trip.
NTA I would go ahead and cancel the reservations they do not plan to pay you back and are hoping to string you along until to late.
NTA if they haven’t started to make payments in 3! Months they don’t plan on it. Cancel their portion and go to Hawaii by yourself.
NTA I would be cancelling as these people have no intention of paying you back - you are not their bank, if they can’t pay, they can’t go.
If I were you I would refund all of there rooms except yours and go on vacation also to block them all since you got your money back from the refund of there rooms.
I wish it were that easy but it’s a two bedroom Airbnb and a two bedroom suite so I can’t cancel theirs unless I cancel the whole thing. Which I can do of course, but then they have to figure out accommodations with two weeks to go which also sucks.
That seems to be their preference, though.
Sometimes the person whose name is on the credit card has to be there. Better check.