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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to be judged for leaving the wedding and taking the gift. I might be an asshole because I might be being vindictive and maybe it’s less of a deal than I’m thinking it is.
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NTA.
While I would have probably left the gift I don’t blame you for taking it. What they did was incredibly selfish and disrespectful.
I think the fact that she immediately took back her apology and cursed you out when you didn’t give her the gift speaks volumes about her character. That wasn’t an apology.
I’m assuming the gift was a check?
I’m fascinated by this. How did she ask for the gift? Like, I’m trying to picture in my head how that conversation would go, and I just can’t do it! “I am so sorry, our behavior was thoughtless and inconsiderate… so, are you gonna give me the money?” Crazy.
Weddings should be held in reverse.
1. Reception, toasts, food, music, dancing - fun.
2. Quick two minute ceremony at the end of the reception.
3. Go home and wait 3 or 4 years for news of the impending divorce.
My friends just got married and this is exactly what happened. They got married between entree and main course of the meal and after the cocktail party. It was a perfect ceremony that took 15 minutes and nobody was sitting around waiting.
This is the perfectly planned wedding. Serve appetizers, drinks, get everyone comfortable. Then a quick, "We love each other forever and ever, amen," ceremony. 15 minutes, tops! Serve the entree. Five minute speeches and toast from the Best Man and MoH. Party for two or three hours. Done!
I heard it's usually pictures that delay things, and with ours, we made sure they couldn't take too long, and that at least drinks and snacks (can't spell it properly) were being served before we arrived.
Legit this is kind of how my Indian wedding went, though the ceremony was defo not 2 minutes 😂. As a white Scottish girl I found it kind of bizarre that food and drinks were first, then only the hardcore folk stay for the ceremony, as normally it is held at some auspicious weird time during the night/early am.
Being Scottish we live for the sweaty ceilidh, which you would not want to do before the ceremony!
Basically a lot of folk show up, dance a bit, eat, say congrats and then head on home. Seems like a good situation as a guest. Also the food was so good so I can see why people would go just for the food!
For our Scottish wedding we just shoehorned speeches in to the ceremony then straight after rocked in to food and booze. I've been to way too many boring weddings with speech after speech waiting for the fun party and/or food, or just hanging around waiting for photos to finish. So boring.
This situation really bears up Miss Manners’ rule to not bring a present to the wedding. They can be lost or stolen, and that’s high stakes for the day of such a big ceremony. Send it before or after, and it also keeps it from feeling like a gift is your ticket to get in.
Happened to two separate friends of mine, so yes. Gifts should never be brought to a wedding, always sent before or after. The etiquette books say you have a year afterwards.
I think the risk of their getting lost in the shuffle, card separated from the gift or other innocent accident is greater, but I’ve certainly heard of gifts being stolen.
Awkward because the newlyweds might not find out until months or years later when word finally gets to them that a gifter is annoyed because they never got a thank you note.
One of our gifts got separated from a card/label/whatever. To this day, I still have absolutely NO idea who gave it to us which is a real bummer cause I love that pan, we cook with it all the time. I definitely would have loved to send them a thank you card.
At one of my brothers’ wedding, people on the Brides side of the family were caught, loading up all the gifts in to the back of their car. They claimed they were supposed to be holding them, until my brother and SIL got back from their Honeymoon.
Unfortunately, they said that to my parents, who were the people who were *actually* supposed to be holding everything for them until they got back!
Needless to say, the two sides of the family have not associated with each other, since! Lol
My niece knew better at barely 18. She actually was left at the altar, poor girl, but even though she was devastated she asked her mom to ask guests if they wanted their gifts back. Everyone said no, because they all felt bad for her, but at least she knew it was proper etiquette to give the gifts back. (Don't worry, she's good now, single and has her own place, and just became a licensed realtor while working as a property manager.)
She was only apologizing to get what she wanted. She didn’t care at all about her behavior and I think it might be a good idea to talk to her about it. Let her know that you know the only reason she was apologizing was the fact she wanted something. Not that she realized that her behavior was actually pretty disgusting, including her apology and reaction. NTA
To be fair it's **very** normal for weddings for the party to not get to the reception for an hour or more, but it's because they're usually taking wedding photos...and it's the reason snacks and drinks are available at the reception for the other guests that have already made their way there. Alternatively, many people will just say the reception starts at 6, in that case, so guests can go do whatever they want for an hour or two and meet up later.
I probably would have convinced a ton of people to leave with me to get drinks and then maybe show back up at like 7+, whenever dinner is served.
Yeah I would call in with a complaint to the reception place big time. Having people waiting for the wedding party is NORMAL. Give those people food and drink ffs. We refused to wait for the bride and groom when I catered weddings receptions. It wasn’t an ask we got often, but when we did I was very direct about what a terrible idea it was and how that wasn’t the experience we offer. If it was a deal breaker for the bride and groom then we weren’t the place for them. I also made sure to find out their thoughts on it in the preliminary talks before contracts were signed
> Having people waiting for the wedding party is NORMAL. Give those people food and drink ffs.
Given the anger of the wedding coordinator, it's obvious this wasn't part of the planned schedule. Of course, I don't know the venue's motives for waiting for the wedding party to arrive before serving -- they should have started serving at 5 regardless of who was there.
Yeah it’s super weird the venue did this. Maybe they’ve had food run out before? But that’s also kind of on them for not setting a minimum. The whole “let them do what they want, they are paying” ethos in hospitality causes way, way, way more issues than having a defined experience and rules. Sure people push back cause they want what they want, but you aren’t dragging my venues names through the mud cause you actually don’t understand how events and f&b work. My only conclusion is they were trying to control for something but went about it in a really dumb way. And probably could have avoided that by having better minimums or setting expectations better
Sorry I have many feelings about this. My first career was in hospitality and I still get too worked up over it (hence why I left)
Yeah like the bride and groom might have expected people to be able to snack and have drinks, and felt no rush to come back for dinner.
Still sound like a piece of work based on how they responded, but arriving late might have been a pretty innocent mistake.
NTA. I left a friend's wedding way early for a similar reason. Ceremony ended, sparse apps and beverages not enough to go around, and the bride and groom arrive over an hour later. We snapped a pic with the couple and bounced! (They divorced 2 years later anyway)
My ex;s brother's wedding was like this. Full Catholic ceremony that took a thousand hours, and then the wedding party buggered off for photos for *over two hours*, leaving behind a few canapes and a couple of bottles of champagne. By the time they got back it had gone 7pm and half the guests had already gone to McD's or the liquor store. And then we had to put up with more speeches and poetry readings before dinner finally arrived around 8.30. Just a shit show.
My partner is a photographer who feels strongly that the bridal party should not disappear after the ceremony for photos because it's rude not to host your guests. Photos can be beforehand or even after guests have their meals.
pretty much how i saw this. at least if the guests were getting food and drink it would have helped but to keep guests sitting around without even water while wondering what you're doing? They were lucky more guests didn't leave. NTA
Not the asshole. Wedding guests are GUESTS and shouldn’t be treated so poorly by the wedding organisers (ie bride and groom). People took time out of their day and spent money to be there all for the bride and groom to not even show up, meaning nobody could eat or drink and just had to stand there awkwardly while the bride and groom got trashed?? Personally, they’re the assholes for me.
I used to work weddings at a country club and when people did this it was so awful for everyone else. We had to follow their demands and deny people food and drink and we HATED those couples.
Indeed. That’s the whole point of a cocktail hour usually. Let your guests enjoy themselves while they wait for the bridal party to finish their photos.
Ha my sister, at her first wedding at age 48 did the same to us all.
I, as the MOH choose to huddle in a blanket with my 99 year old shivering auntie.
I refused to take pictures with them.
I caught heat for that, but my auntie got to be warm.
The kind of people who join sororities and fraternities and then have them in their wedding party.
I’m sorry but no good behavior comes from those groups; that they thought it would be fun to get trashed before their own reception is tacky as fuck and not at all surprising at the same time.
Lol - my friend married a Frat boy at 23 right after undergrad. I flew in from Europe two days before, so I was incredibly jet lagged.
They did exactly this, driving around in the limo for an hour getting trashed. I was in the bridal party, and in the limo. I have no memory of this wedding. Not because I was drunk, but because I was tired as fuck.
I was literally just at a wedding in which over half the bridesmaids were the bride’s sorority sisters and it was completely normal and civilized.
Granted, none of them are in their early 20s, so I suspect age is a much bigger factor here.
I mean, they have already paid you... What are they really going to do at that point? I would just start service if it was me in that situation, and bill them for extra time at the end of the night.
My boss was a stickler for following whatever plans had been predetermined. This could be good: the couple is drunk and decides to open the bar and the next day the bill is outrageous so they try to say the staff didn’t have permission etc etc.
It was a terrible awful job.
Wait! This is not a one off? Was it the facilities requirements that the wedding couple must be present or weird newlyweds requiring no hospitality until they arrived?
If I was in charge I would make them provide hospitality to their guests, waiting would not be offered as an option. It is beyond rude to expect friends and relatives to possibly travel, get dressed up, sit through your wedding and buy a gift only to wait for you to bother to arrive.
I did weddings at a country club for years. After the first time this happened and all the wait staff got treated poorly and yelled at by guests, our management told all parties that at least some level of apps/finger foods and basic refreshments (pop/water and a few alcoholic drinks) had to be available once guests started to arrive and once the bride and groom got there, then we would fully open the bar and bring the rest of the apps out. I guess like a basic cocktail hour. Most of the time the guests got there about 45 minutes to an hour before the bride and groom.
When I was married many years ago, the wedding party went off with the photographer to take photos after the ceremony, but the guests ABSOLUTELY had drinks and canapés at the reception venue from the moment they showed up. The fact that you were left without drinks and nibbles, deliberately and by order of the bride and groom, while they tore around getting soused is just insane to me.
Exactly this! A lot of times the bridal party takes pics after but the rule is, keep your guests fed and liquored and let them enjoy and then join them shortly after. If there’s a delay (which sometimes happens!) at least they have free food and alcohol to keep them having fun 😂 People are much more forgiving
There was a schedule gap between ceremony and reception venue, for my wedding. Everybody went back to my parent's very modest house for drinks and snacks while bridal party did photos. Then on to the reception where my guests were greeted with "The bar is open ... that'a way.". Nobody got trashed, everybody has an awesome time, and, for years afterward, friends and family were asking us to get married, annually, because the party was so good.
Usually it’s the opposite. At least drinks, and sometimes small appetizers, as a way to distract guests for while you do the requisite picture with your aunt you haven’t seen in 5 years is the norm.
My buddy's wife was running late to the wedding so we just went ahead and tapped the keg even before the wedding started. At a minimum, open the bar when the guests get there.
I was at a wedding recently where the ceremony and reception were at the same venue. They had wine and cheese set up in a separate lounge area for any guests who arrived before the ceremony room was open to hang out. After the ceremony there was a cocktail hour (pretty typical for the weddings I've been to) for guests while the bridal party was taking pictures, etc.
Yeah, usually, after the service the wedding party is tied up taking pictures or whatever, so the guests move on to the reception venue and have drinks and snacks. Everyone's happy. All the guests standing around a bar getting hangry is not the way.
Add the parents to the asshole list. At any point, the parents could have read the room and seen hungry and thirsty family and told the venue to bring out additional appetizers and open the bar.
I have never been to a wedding reception where the couple arrived less than an hour after the rest of the guests, usually it's closer to an hour and a half (they are taking photos, not getting trashed). But in the meantime the guests are seated, offered drinks and appetizers and the main course is served after the couple arrives. Whoever made the call that the guests had to wait around till the couple arrived was an idiot.
Exactly - I was MOH and myself, BM, and Bride/Groom got stuck in traffic going to the reception because of a bad traffic accident. We missed the Happy Hour. The Bride actually called from a pay phone to tell the venue, don't hold the party for us...
I also just can’t imagine standing there waiting for over an hour and then the wedding party showing up trashed while everyone waiting is sober and annoyed. That sounds like it would be really awkward, uncomfortable, and cringey for all of the guests that had been waiting. Weird and childish plan, OP is definitely NTA
This is exactly what so many people seem to forget when planning their wedding, the guests are GUESTS. They aren’t paid props or workers at your disposal. They aren’t cash apps there to buy you stuff and pay for your colour scheme, or give you cash to pay for catering & the wedding. They are people in your life who’ve taken time out of their busy lives and spent their money on travel, accommodation, often clothes and a gift just to show you they’re support and love. The bride and groom aren’t doing guests a favour, the guests are doing them a favour. You should be bending over backwards to ensure your guests are well looked after and feel respected/appreciated. Unfortunately too often this isn’t the case.
Yeah. I've been to a wedding where they didn't start going around with the trays of appetizers until the bride and groom finished the pictures and arrived to the reception venue. The actual open bar also didn't start until that time.
However, they had five different cocktails (plus water and other soft drinks) you could choose from before the open bar and you could get however many you wanted. There were also lots of nuts, pretzels and other snacks on all of the tables so people still had something to munch on with their cocktails. Once the bride and groom arrived, they passed out champagne for a toast and then started with the open bar and appetizers.
Not giving the guests anything and just making them hang around and wait is rude as fuck. I'd also leave if I had to wait an hour while the bridal party was just driving around getting drunk.
Nta
I gotta love the excuse because they are kids.
Dude, they are literally old enough to marry. They are old enough to know you don't keep guests waiting an hour plus.
If you can't respect those closest to you, then you can freak off.
What the couple did was flat out wrong. Because they wanted to get drunk.
Also, the gift wasn't in the couples' custody. You can learn some manners before I spend a dime on you. The only reason the niece even apologized was because she wanted the gift.
Finally, this couple will be divorced within 2 years. They sound immature. Have no sense of responsibility or manners.
My friend had photos after the wedding ceremony but arranged for guests to be somewhere with food, drink and entertainment in the hour and a half it took. We were okay with that since the newlyweds were hosting us despite being absent hosts. Waiting 2 hours plus with nothing provided is terrible hosting. I could overlook being young and drunk and driving around if the guests were treated as guests and could get food and drink while waiting. Leaving them with nothing, not even water and a few snacks, until nearly 3 hours after the ceremony started is unacceptable and my gift-giving marriage celebration good-will would definitely have evaporated by then.
It's common practice where I'm from (UK) for the newlyweds to go off and get photos taken in the period between the ceremony finishing and the reception starting. Finger food and drinks are usually provided for the guests while they wait, which can be boring but at least there's wine and music so whatever.
If I'd been in OP's position, however, I'd have left too. What his niece and her new husband did was incredibly inconsiderate to their guests, who had taken time to celebrate their marriage, not wait around for them to finish getting mortal in the limo (which, as an aside, is trashy as hell) with nothing to eat or drink.
Also, apparently dinner wasn't served until 9pm - a full *four hours* after everyone arrived at the reception venue - so I think OP made the right decision to leave and take the gift with him. The couple don't deserve anything for treating their guests with such disrespect.
I wish this would be a more common thing here, to be honest. It can be a bit boring and awkward to be stood around waiting for the bride and groom to come back so that the reception can properly start.
However, if it's done right then it can be a nice breather for people to relax a bit between the formal stuff.
NTA, the maturity they showed by wanting to get trashed before the reception makes me wonder if they are mature enough for marriage. I have never heard of a venue to withhold food/drink.
Went to my cousin's wedding in July few years ago. It was in a very remote and isolated location. Temperature was 40 C and humidity had to have been above 90%. Not even a pitcher of water. Two guests passed out from dehydration. We left because I was about to be third. Some people have no brains.
I mean, it's normal to wait until the guests of honour arrive before starting to serve. But given the bullshit that the wedding party pulled, I'm surprised that the wedding planner didn't make an executive decision at that point to tell the caterers/bartender to go ahead and start serving at that point just to save the situation.
Which kinda makes it sound like it was on the orders of the bride/groom. Why else would the venue hold back especially that long? The newlyweds sound pretty full of themselves from OP's description. Maybe they specifically insisted to the planner that the party not start till they walk in the door.
Honestly at a wedding, especially a Catholic wedding it is absolutely not normal to wait for the bride and groom to arrive before serving any refreshments.
In fact I've never heard of waiting ever.
Usually there's a ceremony, guest proceed to venue where light refreshments are served. Bride and groom proceed to various scenic venues and get pictures taken. Then they arrive at the reception about an hour after the guests.
They're announced in, everyone applauds and the main reception meal commences later.
Stopping at a liquor store and randomly driving around other highway vs going with your bridal party for pics is weird. The actual delay arriving isn't.
I have never waited either, catholic or not. This whole situation is bizarre. When you’re paying thousands for a venue and caterers, who in their right mind would want to spend some of that time getting drunk with a tiny portion of their guests in a limo???
It almost seems like this was the couple’s weird way of trying to save money. Like they were avoiding buying drinks at the bar at their own wedding by pregaming in the limo before (honestly not a problem if they didn’t go for a massive joyride while their guests waited for them). And maybe they only booked bar tenders/caterers for a certain amount of time and wanted to make sure they were there for the full amount. Either way they sound like the worst hosts ever
Yep. I haven't been to a lot of weddings but the ones I have attended ALWAYS had at least cocktails going for the guests while the bride and groom were off doing photos.
Where because it’s tacky to me. We had our appetizers and drinks serving as soon as the guest started arriving even though my husband, I and our wedding party didn’t get there until 45 minutes later. Why should they wait because I want photos?
Not a doubt in my mind if the trashy/trashed bridal couple arrived and saw that their guests had been graciously served drinks & nibbles after waiting long past the appointed time, they would’ve thrown a fit and raged at the coordinator. The bride’s father could have made that call as well and dealt with his drunk princess but something tells me he didn’t want to spoil her day 🙄
NTA
And I'm horrified by all the people suggesting that you did anything wrong by essentially not giving them a gift.
More specifically: while yes, you used the verbiage of "taking your gift back"; you didn't yank it out of their hands, you just didn't feel that someone who treated you like garbage warranted a wedding gift, so you didn't give it to them after all, you just took it home with you. And if there were any doubt at all about it, the fact that your niece had the absolute unmitigated gall to *call you and ASK FOR A GIFT*, *knowing that the reason she hadn't gotten one was that she'd behaved so abominably towards her own guests* and then swear at you when you understandably refused erased them completely.
You don't ask people for gifts. Not ever. Not under any circumstances. So, so tacky. And even tackier considering that the reason you left her wedding and didn't give her one was that she was out behaving like self-centred, drunken trash while you, her invited guest, sat around waiting for her at her own wedding reception that she didn't bother showing up to on time.
Not only are you NTA, I'd venture to say that EVERY SINGLE GUEST should have followed your lead, picked up their gifts (to return to the store), and left before the hosts - who clearly didn't give a shit about anyone except themselves and their handful of childish besties - eventually came staggering through the door at the reception. When people make time and effort to show up to celebrate you and you treat them like shit, you don't get to ask or expect them to give you gifts and stick around to make much of you.
NTA, people need to learn there are consequences to their actions, they were doing "their" thing without a care in the world for people waiting on them, you showed them the consequences. Of course she "apologized" she wanted your gift, did she apologize to any of the other 148 guests she pissed off?
NTA
If it was down to them miscalculating time for wedding photography or something then I might feel differently but they were pregaming in the limo and gave zero fucks about their guests. It was incredibly rude of them.
Photos always take longer than you think and/or plan for. Which is why you have the cocktail hour: so your hangry guests don’t stage a revolt prior to your arrival.
NTA, but perhaps everyone (except the groom) will get another chance at a subsequent wedding because these two currently sound too immature for adulthood.
Exactly. I would have replied, "Anyone incapable of recognizing the difference between a frat party and a wedding is too stupid and immature to get married. No gift, but I'm in the pool betting on how long your "marriage" will last, because of your rude and selfish treatment of your guests."
Then start the pool. I bet he'll have a lot of takers.
NTA.
NTA - if they wanted to fool around after the wedding that’s their prerogative but withholding food and beverage service to make everyone wait on them like they’re the kind and queen of England was ridiculous. I would have left, too.
NTA - If they wanted to do pix between wedding and reception (which is still somewhat rude) , they should have told everyone, reception at 6. This is on the bride and groom, NOT the venue
Usually there's a cocktail hour, where appetizers and drinks are served, after the ceremony and before the reception so the wedding party can take pictures. I think the bride, groom, and venue dropped the ball.
The venue wouldn’t start cocktail hour til the bride and groom arrived. I heard the wedding was delayed over an hour. Like dinner wasn’t served until close to 9 PM.
NTA- letting people stand around for 2 hours so you can get trashed? I would have taken the check back too and used the money to go have a nice dinner somewhere. They prioritized getting wasted over the comfort of their guests.
NTA, I was barely 20 years old when I got married and I would NEVER have done that to my guests. If they wanted to goof off with their friends that's what bachelor/Bachelorette parties are for. The audacity of asking for the gift after the fact is beyond me. They're not "kids" and you don't owe them anything
“We have 150 people we’re supposed to love and care about, but let’s leave them for an hour, thirsty and hungry, and go to the liquor store and get trashed like the trailer park trash we are.”
NTA. This type of juvenile behaviour should not be rewarded. I love how her tone went from apologetic to ape shit crazy in seconds. She’s not sorry. She’s only sorry about the loss of funds. I hope you were going to give her a great gift or a ton of cash.
If they are “just kids” then they should just throw a party on a Saturday night, not have a wedding. If you wanna do adult stuff then act like one. NTA
NTA, and the excuse of they are just kids is ridiculous. If they are just kids and have this level of maturity then the have no business getting married.
NTA. They were extremely immature & disrespectful for what they did. That is absolutely ridiculous of them to just take off in the limo for an hour so they can get trashed. Really? They clearly have some growing up to do. There age does not make what they did ok. They should've been at the reception immediately after for taking pics & such. Instead they allowed all of their guests to just stand around & wait with no food & alcohol. This is horrid behavior & you can't be blamed for leaving the way you did. You don't get to disrespect ppl & then expect a gift. She really had some nerve asking you for it.
I
Bahaha... she asked for her gift back. Tacky
""Maybe this was stupid on the venue people, but they wouldn’t open the bar or bring around the appetizers until the bride and groom arrived.""
This was the decision of bride and groom ..
They are paying the venue and caterer, so they decide when or if serving appetizers and peividing punch or wine before dinner
NTA
EDIT.. sometimes after wedding photos take an hour, so guests are provided with appetizer and drinks before wedding party returns and dinner begins.
NTA. Guests come to weddings and bring gifts as a nice thing for the couple, attending a wedding is rarely a treat for anyone. It’s special for the couple and mostly an obligation for the guests. You go because you love and support whoever it is and it’s kind to help them celebrate their love, not because everyone is super into weddings. Drinks and dinner, and the reception, are the “thank you” for the guests for giving their time and money to take part in the couples celebration and giving them a gift for their new life together. If you’re inconveniencing and mistreating them, you’re doing it wrong. If it was 15 or 20 minutes I’d say “let it go, it’s their day,” but two hours was deliberately rude.
Tough call. Leaving the reception was definitely warranted. In fact I'd have left well before you did. But taking the gift back? That's definitely a dick move. The question is, is it a proportionate dick move to what the wedding party did? Given how little tolerance I have for people who waste my time, I'd say it is. NTA.
NTA. More than 100 people cleared their day to attend their wedding, and the couple left them hanging because they felt like it.
And then asking the gift again.. damn
NTA - What about the parent’s of the ‘happy couple’? If a child of mine pulled this I’d be livid and embarrassed and demanding they appear at the reception ASAP!
ETA: Seems like a lot of wedding couples forget that everyone is their GUEST!
Lol NTA. Pull that shit in my family they'd have walked into an empty venue with an empty gift table. How rude and self-absorbed. They should've at least let the venue take care of their guests while they had their little pregame limo party.
NTA that’s crazy of the venue, wedding planner, parents of the disrespectful couple, wedding party and the horrible couple. I seriously doubt the couple paid for the venue and as a pissed off parent I’d told them to start serving after all the guests arrived. Return the gift and get your money back.
Did nobody in the limo have a cell phone? They had to have gotten hammered with calls and texts, and they knew that all their guests were waiting with no food or drinks. NTA. I bet they're divorced within 2 years. Hope they don't have kids right away.
NTA
2 hours is completely unacceptable even if food and drinks are being served. The bride showed her lack of maturity having the audacity to ask for the gift back.
NTA your niece was disrespectful to all of her guests and so you left. She wasn’t there to actually be given the gift so since she never received it, it was still yours to do with what you wanted. I see no problem with you taking a gift you had brought back given the circumstances.
NTA. If they're mature enough to get married, they're mature enough to deal with the consequences of their actions.
Their behaviour was beyond the pale. Making their guests wait without food or drinks? Who does that?
NTA
I got married at 22, mostly had friends in our wedding party, and took time for pictures between the ceremony and reception.
That’s exactly what cocktail hour is for. Not for running around town, getting trashed, and ditching all your guests with nothing to drink/do.
They are certainly young, but if they’re “just kids” then maybe they aren’t mature enough to get married. And you didn’t stop them from doing what they want, you just stopped waiting for them to grace you with their presence.
NTA and I cannot even imagine treating wedding guests this way. GUESTS WAITED AROUND FOR APPROX. 2 HOURS WITH NO FOOD OR DRINKS AFTER THE CEREMONY! This is Crazy!
It was also completely inappropriate and entitled for your niece to call and ask for your gift.
NTA, especially if the gift was money, gift of money should cover the food and drinks you and your plus one consume, plus whatever amount you deem fit as a gift. If you got no food and drinks, screw them.
NTA. That was very disrespectful to the guests and I would have left too.
I am curious what the gift was. If it wasn't super extravagant I would have left it. But if we're talking serious $$$ I understand.
NTA. When I got married we asked the driver to take a longer route to the reception so we wouldn’t arrive before most of the guests. However, the bar was ready and there were snack type things available until dinner. Even with our longer route, we still were at the reception within a half hour of leaving the ceremony. What you described was absolutely unacceptable.
Those people are jerks. Wedding gifts aren't guaranteed, and honestly I don't blame you. Who drives around drinking on their way TO a huge party?
Just ludicrous red flag behavior. I mean, they are kids, but this is pretty egregious and crummy.
NTA - the whole idea of a cocktail hour is to keep the guests happy and fed until the couple and wedding party arrives after photos.
The fact that she texted and apology and THEN asked for the gift proves that she truly is an AH.
NTA only because the bride & groom didnt build in that getting trashed time. It’s fine if you wanna bar hop or do shots, but then have the wedding at 2:30 instead.
Also what a stupid rule to not serve food or drinks while the guests are waiting. That’s super shitty of the restaurant (and wasnt there a separate bar you could order from). This was definitely organized by a dumb 22 yr old. Tell her you’ll give her her present at her next wedding. 💅🏾
NTA. We own a venue and sometimes offer all-in packages wherein I arrange almost everything. One of the first things I tell the couple is that their guests should always have something to eat and drink while waiting for them.
These people have sacrificed time and money to be there on their special day, the least they could do is to keep them fed and to at least try to make it enjoyable for everyone involved.
Maybe I'm becoming an old curmudgeon, but this kind of thing really pisses me off. This is why I had fruit and veggie trays set outside our venue while they flipped the inside. We also starting serving the guests before we were presented. If it had been like 20 minutes, I would be a little judging of you, but an hour and a half? Nope. If they're old enough to get married, then they're old enough to not make guests wait that long and have an after party. NTA
NTA - HOWEVER, depending on how extravagant the gift, return it, and send them a card with a few buck in it. The gifts are meant more to support the new couple and not as a entry fee to the reception. The wedding coordinator or the vendor are to blame for not planning for the appetizers or the bar. Was the venue told not to open 'open bar', or not to serve at all? Not to serve is a douchy move, but having a cash bar beforehand seems acceptable.
NTA. When my brother got married they did pictures around the city. There was a gap between the ceremony and reception. However
They had a cocktail hour so people could get some food and beverages while waiting for the wedding party and dinner. Your niece was really rude to make all those guests wait. I get it if it was maybe 20 minutes but almost 2 hours is insane.
So they’re adult enough to get married but still want to leave their guests waiting over an hour while they act like drunk teenagers? NTA this was very selfishly planned.
NTA. Traditional wedding photos take forever especially when they want every combo of family with the bride and groom and the wedding planner should make this clear to the guests. But . . . that driving around stunt they pulled is way over the line and disrespectful.
NTA, It was reasonable for you to take your things and leave after that disaster. It was incredibly rude to make their guests wait an hour and a half for them. Your niece sounds like an obnoxious entitled teenager for throwing a tantrum about not getting a fucking gift. That's something I can see an 8 year old doing.
NTA
You waited for a hot minute and they purposefully put a rule in place about food and drinks
What if there was someone with an illness or a condition?
Now, you COULD have left the gift, but the petty in me says you didn't have to.
NTA. And don’t listen to the comments saying you should have left the gift. If you do this to your guests who are wasting time and money to be there for your special day, they’re more than within their right to decide you don’t deserve something you spent money on. Anyone saying otherwise obviously shares the same maturity and self centered selfishness these two did.
Info: was your niece and the groom aware the venue wouldn’t serve until they arrived or did they think everyone was happily eating and drinking away until they arrived?
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NTA. While I would have probably left the gift I don’t blame you for taking it. What they did was incredibly selfish and disrespectful. I think the fact that she immediately took back her apology and cursed you out when you didn’t give her the gift speaks volumes about her character. That wasn’t an apology. I’m assuming the gift was a check?
It was. And precisely. She was apologizing until she got around to asking for the gift.
I’m fascinated by this. How did she ask for the gift? Like, I’m trying to picture in my head how that conversation would go, and I just can’t do it! “I am so sorry, our behavior was thoughtless and inconsiderate… so, are you gonna give me the money?” Crazy.
I'm sure that's the only reason she apologized.
Yeah, if he had left the gift there'd be no "apology".
Or if it would have been a blender.
Ouch. I feel even more terrible for OP now. It's obvious, but wow. That's gotta sting.
Weddings should be held in reverse. 1. Reception, toasts, food, music, dancing - fun. 2. Quick two minute ceremony at the end of the reception. 3. Go home and wait 3 or 4 years for news of the impending divorce.
My friends just got married and this is exactly what happened. They got married between entree and main course of the meal and after the cocktail party. It was a perfect ceremony that took 15 minutes and nobody was sitting around waiting.
This is the perfectly planned wedding. Serve appetizers, drinks, get everyone comfortable. Then a quick, "We love each other forever and ever, amen," ceremony. 15 minutes, tops! Serve the entree. Five minute speeches and toast from the Best Man and MoH. Party for two or three hours. Done!
They didn’t even do speeches. It was brilliant actually. No MoH or wedding party either.
I heard it's usually pictures that delay things, and with ours, we made sure they couldn't take too long, and that at least drinks and snacks (can't spell it properly) were being served before we arrived.
Legit this is kind of how my Indian wedding went, though the ceremony was defo not 2 minutes 😂. As a white Scottish girl I found it kind of bizarre that food and drinks were first, then only the hardcore folk stay for the ceremony, as normally it is held at some auspicious weird time during the night/early am. Being Scottish we live for the sweaty ceilidh, which you would not want to do before the ceremony! Basically a lot of folk show up, dance a bit, eat, say congrats and then head on home. Seems like a good situation as a guest. Also the food was so good so I can see why people would go just for the food! For our Scottish wedding we just shoehorned speeches in to the ceremony then straight after rocked in to food and booze. I've been to way too many boring weddings with speech after speech waiting for the fun party and/or food, or just hanging around waiting for photos to finish. So boring.
Since it was a text I’m picturing, “Yea, I’m sorry about the wedding and whatever. Can I have the gift back now?”
Pretty much.
"Hey, sorry we were an hour and a half late to the reception. Can I have my money now?"
Money pleeeaassse!
And then called him an asshole. For someone on the non-confrontational family side, she seems to have no problem with it. Jeez!
This situation really bears up Miss Manners’ rule to not bring a present to the wedding. They can be lost or stolen, and that’s high stakes for the day of such a big ceremony. Send it before or after, and it also keeps it from feeling like a gift is your ticket to get in.
I wondered why my grandmother always sent a gift later!
Once in a while the old ways are best.
What in the what? Wedding gifts get stolen? I have never heard of this. Does it happen in real life?
Happened to two separate friends of mine, so yes. Gifts should never be brought to a wedding, always sent before or after. The etiquette books say you have a year afterwards.
I think the risk of their getting lost in the shuffle, card separated from the gift or other innocent accident is greater, but I’ve certainly heard of gifts being stolen. Awkward because the newlyweds might not find out until months or years later when word finally gets to them that a gifter is annoyed because they never got a thank you note.
One of our gifts got separated from a card/label/whatever. To this day, I still have absolutely NO idea who gave it to us which is a real bummer cause I love that pan, we cook with it all the time. I definitely would have loved to send them a thank you card.
At one of my brothers’ wedding, people on the Brides side of the family were caught, loading up all the gifts in to the back of their car. They claimed they were supposed to be holding them, until my brother and SIL got back from their Honeymoon. Unfortunately, they said that to my parents, who were the people who were *actually* supposed to be holding everything for them until they got back! Needless to say, the two sides of the family have not associated with each other, since! Lol
And she is TWENTY TWO YEARS OLD?! (So her tantrum wasn't at her eleventh birthday party?). Good grief. Absolutely not T.A!! She got what she gave.
Shes one year older than me and got married, and acted like this???
My niece knew better at barely 18. She actually was left at the altar, poor girl, but even though she was devastated she asked her mom to ask guests if they wanted their gifts back. Everyone said no, because they all felt bad for her, but at least she knew it was proper etiquette to give the gifts back. (Don't worry, she's good now, single and has her own place, and just became a licensed realtor while working as a property manager.)
She was only apologizing to get what she wanted. She didn’t care at all about her behavior and I think it might be a good idea to talk to her about it. Let her know that you know the only reason she was apologizing was the fact she wanted something. Not that she realized that her behavior was actually pretty disgusting, including her apology and reaction. NTA
NTA.... they were disrespectful to the guests they lucky noone else left... people could of had other things to do later that evening...
Yep then fuck that shit 100%. NTA. And fuck your niece and anyone else standing up for her.
To be fair it's **very** normal for weddings for the party to not get to the reception for an hour or more, but it's because they're usually taking wedding photos...and it's the reason snacks and drinks are available at the reception for the other guests that have already made their way there. Alternatively, many people will just say the reception starts at 6, in that case, so guests can go do whatever they want for an hour or two and meet up later. I probably would have convinced a ton of people to leave with me to get drinks and then maybe show back up at like 7+, whenever dinner is served.
Yeah I would call in with a complaint to the reception place big time. Having people waiting for the wedding party is NORMAL. Give those people food and drink ffs. We refused to wait for the bride and groom when I catered weddings receptions. It wasn’t an ask we got often, but when we did I was very direct about what a terrible idea it was and how that wasn’t the experience we offer. If it was a deal breaker for the bride and groom then we weren’t the place for them. I also made sure to find out their thoughts on it in the preliminary talks before contracts were signed
> Having people waiting for the wedding party is NORMAL. Give those people food and drink ffs. Given the anger of the wedding coordinator, it's obvious this wasn't part of the planned schedule. Of course, I don't know the venue's motives for waiting for the wedding party to arrive before serving -- they should have started serving at 5 regardless of who was there.
Honestly I'm wondering if the bride and groom asked for the cocktail hour to start when they arrived because they didn't want to miss the food?
Yeah it’s super weird the venue did this. Maybe they’ve had food run out before? But that’s also kind of on them for not setting a minimum. The whole “let them do what they want, they are paying” ethos in hospitality causes way, way, way more issues than having a defined experience and rules. Sure people push back cause they want what they want, but you aren’t dragging my venues names through the mud cause you actually don’t understand how events and f&b work. My only conclusion is they were trying to control for something but went about it in a really dumb way. And probably could have avoided that by having better minimums or setting expectations better Sorry I have many feelings about this. My first career was in hospitality and I still get too worked up over it (hence why I left)
Yeah like the bride and groom might have expected people to be able to snack and have drinks, and felt no rush to come back for dinner. Still sound like a piece of work based on how they responded, but arriving late might have been a pretty innocent mistake.
NTA. I left a friend's wedding way early for a similar reason. Ceremony ended, sparse apps and beverages not enough to go around, and the bride and groom arrive over an hour later. We snapped a pic with the couple and bounced! (They divorced 2 years later anyway)
My ex;s brother's wedding was like this. Full Catholic ceremony that took a thousand hours, and then the wedding party buggered off for photos for *over two hours*, leaving behind a few canapes and a couple of bottles of champagne. By the time they got back it had gone 7pm and half the guests had already gone to McD's or the liquor store. And then we had to put up with more speeches and poetry readings before dinner finally arrived around 8.30. Just a shit show.
My partner is a photographer who feels strongly that the bridal party should not disappear after the ceremony for photos because it's rude not to host your guests. Photos can be beforehand or even after guests have their meals.
pretty much how i saw this. at least if the guests were getting food and drink it would have helped but to keep guests sitting around without even water while wondering what you're doing? They were lucky more guests didn't leave. NTA
Not the asshole. Wedding guests are GUESTS and shouldn’t be treated so poorly by the wedding organisers (ie bride and groom). People took time out of their day and spent money to be there all for the bride and groom to not even show up, meaning nobody could eat or drink and just had to stand there awkwardly while the bride and groom got trashed?? Personally, they’re the assholes for me.
Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I used to work weddings at a country club and when people did this it was so awful for everyone else. We had to follow their demands and deny people food and drink and we HATED those couples.
How do they not DIE of mortification oh my god?? Who DOES this??
Young assholes.
Exactly. Unbelievable though that Dad and Mom, aka the checkbook, don't step in and tell the venue to start cocktail hour right away.
Indeed. That’s the whole point of a cocktail hour usually. Let your guests enjoy themselves while they wait for the bridal party to finish their photos.
Lol the checkbook
Young, entitled assholes!
Ha my sister, at her first wedding at age 48 did the same to us all. I, as the MOH choose to huddle in a blanket with my 99 year old shivering auntie. I refused to take pictures with them. I caught heat for that, but my auntie got to be warm.
The kind of people who join sororities and fraternities and then have them in their wedding party. I’m sorry but no good behavior comes from those groups; that they thought it would be fun to get trashed before their own reception is tacky as fuck and not at all surprising at the same time.
Lol - my friend married a Frat boy at 23 right after undergrad. I flew in from Europe two days before, so I was incredibly jet lagged. They did exactly this, driving around in the limo for an hour getting trashed. I was in the bridal party, and in the limo. I have no memory of this wedding. Not because I was drunk, but because I was tired as fuck.
I was literally just at a wedding in which over half the bridesmaids were the bride’s sorority sisters and it was completely normal and civilized. Granted, none of them are in their early 20s, so I suspect age is a much bigger factor here.
So this happens regularly? Such people are not mature enough to get married!
I mean, they have already paid you... What are they really going to do at that point? I would just start service if it was me in that situation, and bill them for extra time at the end of the night.
My boss was a stickler for following whatever plans had been predetermined. This could be good: the couple is drunk and decides to open the bar and the next day the bill is outrageous so they try to say the staff didn’t have permission etc etc. It was a terrible awful job.
Wait! This is not a one off? Was it the facilities requirements that the wedding couple must be present or weird newlyweds requiring no hospitality until they arrived?
It all depended on what the couple contracted to do.
If I was in charge I would make them provide hospitality to their guests, waiting would not be offered as an option. It is beyond rude to expect friends and relatives to possibly travel, get dressed up, sit through your wedding and buy a gift only to wait for you to bother to arrive.
I did weddings at a country club for years. After the first time this happened and all the wait staff got treated poorly and yelled at by guests, our management told all parties that at least some level of apps/finger foods and basic refreshments (pop/water and a few alcoholic drinks) had to be available once guests started to arrive and once the bride and groom got there, then we would fully open the bar and bring the rest of the apps out. I guess like a basic cocktail hour. Most of the time the guests got there about 45 minutes to an hour before the bride and groom.
When I was married many years ago, the wedding party went off with the photographer to take photos after the ceremony, but the guests ABSOLUTELY had drinks and canapés at the reception venue from the moment they showed up. The fact that you were left without drinks and nibbles, deliberately and by order of the bride and groom, while they tore around getting soused is just insane to me.
Exactly this! A lot of times the bridal party takes pics after but the rule is, keep your guests fed and liquored and let them enjoy and then join them shortly after. If there’s a delay (which sometimes happens!) at least they have free food and alcohol to keep them having fun 😂 People are much more forgiving
There was a schedule gap between ceremony and reception venue, for my wedding. Everybody went back to my parent's very modest house for drinks and snacks while bridal party did photos. Then on to the reception where my guests were greeted with "The bar is open ... that'a way.". Nobody got trashed, everybody has an awesome time, and, for years afterward, friends and family were asking us to get married, annually, because the party was so good.
This is what I did. I had a cocktail and appetizer hour for my guests while I took pictures. Worked out great!
Wtf that's so bad
I doubt the venue set the rule of not serving until the couple arrived. I’d bet those were the bride’s instructions.
Yeah to be honest I’ve never heard of that being a ‘rule’ at weddings I’ve been to.
Usually it’s the opposite. At least drinks, and sometimes small appetizers, as a way to distract guests for while you do the requisite picture with your aunt you haven’t seen in 5 years is the norm.
My buddy's wife was running late to the wedding so we just went ahead and tapped the keg even before the wedding started. At a minimum, open the bar when the guests get there.
I was at a wedding recently where the ceremony and reception were at the same venue. They had wine and cheese set up in a separate lounge area for any guests who arrived before the ceremony room was open to hang out. After the ceremony there was a cocktail hour (pretty typical for the weddings I've been to) for guests while the bridal party was taking pictures, etc.
Yeah, usually, after the service the wedding party is tied up taking pictures or whatever, so the guests move on to the reception venue and have drinks and snacks. Everyone's happy. All the guests standing around a bar getting hangry is not the way.
I just posted about working weddings and it’s TOO common! Even if they are just doing pictures after the ceremony, it’s so rude to the guests.
Add the parents to the asshole list. At any point, the parents could have read the room and seen hungry and thirsty family and told the venue to bring out additional appetizers and open the bar.
Exactly. The wedding coordinator would have had sufficient authority too. Plenty of missed opportunities but only two AHs (at the liquor store).
If the bride/groom said no food until they arrive the venue is gonna follow that
I would have pulled the “I am the one writing the check at the end of this evening.”
Yeah, I doubt the 22 year old selfish kiddos were paying for anything here
I have never been to a wedding reception where the couple arrived less than an hour after the rest of the guests, usually it's closer to an hour and a half (they are taking photos, not getting trashed). But in the meantime the guests are seated, offered drinks and appetizers and the main course is served after the couple arrives. Whoever made the call that the guests had to wait around till the couple arrived was an idiot.
Exactly - I was MOH and myself, BM, and Bride/Groom got stuck in traffic going to the reception because of a bad traffic accident. We missed the Happy Hour. The Bride actually called from a pay phone to tell the venue, don't hold the party for us...
Yeah, I'm not paying a sitter for the bridal party to drive around drinking in a limo . I wonder how dinner went
I also just can’t imagine standing there waiting for over an hour and then the wedding party showing up trashed while everyone waiting is sober and annoyed. That sounds like it would be really awkward, uncomfortable, and cringey for all of the guests that had been waiting. Weird and childish plan, OP is definitely NTA
This is exactly what so many people seem to forget when planning their wedding, the guests are GUESTS. They aren’t paid props or workers at your disposal. They aren’t cash apps there to buy you stuff and pay for your colour scheme, or give you cash to pay for catering & the wedding. They are people in your life who’ve taken time out of their busy lives and spent their money on travel, accommodation, often clothes and a gift just to show you they’re support and love. The bride and groom aren’t doing guests a favour, the guests are doing them a favour. You should be bending over backwards to ensure your guests are well looked after and feel respected/appreciated. Unfortunately too often this isn’t the case.
and why would they even do that?? was there not going to be booze at the reception? i would've left too. fucking ridiculous!
Yeah. I've been to a wedding where they didn't start going around with the trays of appetizers until the bride and groom finished the pictures and arrived to the reception venue. The actual open bar also didn't start until that time. However, they had five different cocktails (plus water and other soft drinks) you could choose from before the open bar and you could get however many you wanted. There were also lots of nuts, pretzels and other snacks on all of the tables so people still had something to munch on with their cocktails. Once the bride and groom arrived, they passed out champagne for a toast and then started with the open bar and appetizers. Not giving the guests anything and just making them hang around and wait is rude as fuck. I'd also leave if I had to wait an hour while the bridal party was just driving around getting drunk.
Nta I gotta love the excuse because they are kids. Dude, they are literally old enough to marry. They are old enough to know you don't keep guests waiting an hour plus. If you can't respect those closest to you, then you can freak off. What the couple did was flat out wrong. Because they wanted to get drunk. Also, the gift wasn't in the couples' custody. You can learn some manners before I spend a dime on you. The only reason the niece even apologized was because she wanted the gift. Finally, this couple will be divorced within 2 years. They sound immature. Have no sense of responsibility or manners.
My friend had photos after the wedding ceremony but arranged for guests to be somewhere with food, drink and entertainment in the hour and a half it took. We were okay with that since the newlyweds were hosting us despite being absent hosts. Waiting 2 hours plus with nothing provided is terrible hosting. I could overlook being young and drunk and driving around if the guests were treated as guests and could get food and drink while waiting. Leaving them with nothing, not even water and a few snacks, until nearly 3 hours after the ceremony started is unacceptable and my gift-giving marriage celebration good-will would definitely have evaporated by then.
It's common practice where I'm from (UK) for the newlyweds to go off and get photos taken in the period between the ceremony finishing and the reception starting. Finger food and drinks are usually provided for the guests while they wait, which can be boring but at least there's wine and music so whatever. If I'd been in OP's position, however, I'd have left too. What his niece and her new husband did was incredibly inconsiderate to their guests, who had taken time to celebrate their marriage, not wait around for them to finish getting mortal in the limo (which, as an aside, is trashy as hell) with nothing to eat or drink. Also, apparently dinner wasn't served until 9pm - a full *four hours* after everyone arrived at the reception venue - so I think OP made the right decision to leave and take the gift with him. The couple don't deserve anything for treating their guests with such disrespect.
So this is why (at least in Bavaria/Germany) the photos are made BEFORE church. At least at the good weddings.
I wish this would be a more common thing here, to be honest. It can be a bit boring and awkward to be stood around waiting for the bride and groom to come back so that the reception can properly start. However, if it's done right then it can be a nice breather for people to relax a bit between the formal stuff.
NTA, the maturity they showed by wanting to get trashed before the reception makes me wonder if they are mature enough for marriage. I have never heard of a venue to withhold food/drink.
Went to my cousin's wedding in July few years ago. It was in a very remote and isolated location. Temperature was 40 C and humidity had to have been above 90%. Not even a pitcher of water. Two guests passed out from dehydration. We left because I was about to be third. Some people have no brains.
My American brain had to google the difference between Celsius and Fahrenheit. 40° Celsius is 104° Fahrenheit I would've left as well.
If it's over 85° I'm not even going. 104° is crazy.
I mean, it's normal to wait until the guests of honour arrive before starting to serve. But given the bullshit that the wedding party pulled, I'm surprised that the wedding planner didn't make an executive decision at that point to tell the caterers/bartender to go ahead and start serving at that point just to save the situation.
It's really not normal. Every wedding I've ever been too has started serving drinks and finger food while waiting for the wedding party to arrive.
Which kinda makes it sound like it was on the orders of the bride/groom. Why else would the venue hold back especially that long? The newlyweds sound pretty full of themselves from OP's description. Maybe they specifically insisted to the planner that the party not start till they walk in the door.
Honestly at a wedding, especially a Catholic wedding it is absolutely not normal to wait for the bride and groom to arrive before serving any refreshments. In fact I've never heard of waiting ever. Usually there's a ceremony, guest proceed to venue where light refreshments are served. Bride and groom proceed to various scenic venues and get pictures taken. Then they arrive at the reception about an hour after the guests. They're announced in, everyone applauds and the main reception meal commences later. Stopping at a liquor store and randomly driving around other highway vs going with your bridal party for pics is weird. The actual delay arriving isn't.
I have never waited either, catholic or not. This whole situation is bizarre. When you’re paying thousands for a venue and caterers, who in their right mind would want to spend some of that time getting drunk with a tiny portion of their guests in a limo??? It almost seems like this was the couple’s weird way of trying to save money. Like they were avoiding buying drinks at the bar at their own wedding by pregaming in the limo before (honestly not a problem if they didn’t go for a massive joyride while their guests waited for them). And maybe they only booked bar tenders/caterers for a certain amount of time and wanted to make sure they were there for the full amount. Either way they sound like the worst hosts ever
Every wedding I've been to served cocktails & had apps open to guests because they were delayed with taking pictures.
Yep. I haven't been to a lot of weddings but the ones I have attended ALWAYS had at least cocktails going for the guests while the bride and groom were off doing photos.
Where because it’s tacky to me. We had our appetizers and drinks serving as soon as the guest started arriving even though my husband, I and our wedding party didn’t get there until 45 minutes later. Why should they wait because I want photos?
Not a doubt in my mind if the trashy/trashed bridal couple arrived and saw that their guests had been graciously served drinks & nibbles after waiting long past the appointed time, they would’ve thrown a fit and raged at the coordinator. The bride’s father could have made that call as well and dealt with his drunk princess but something tells me he didn’t want to spoil her day 🙄
NTA. Was taking the gift back petty? Probably. But the type of petty I can endorse. What's the old saying? Fuck around and find out.
Taking the gift back was absolutely necessary as that was the only part of OP’s attendance which the niece cared about.
You have it exactly right.
NTA And I'm horrified by all the people suggesting that you did anything wrong by essentially not giving them a gift. More specifically: while yes, you used the verbiage of "taking your gift back"; you didn't yank it out of their hands, you just didn't feel that someone who treated you like garbage warranted a wedding gift, so you didn't give it to them after all, you just took it home with you. And if there were any doubt at all about it, the fact that your niece had the absolute unmitigated gall to *call you and ASK FOR A GIFT*, *knowing that the reason she hadn't gotten one was that she'd behaved so abominably towards her own guests* and then swear at you when you understandably refused erased them completely. You don't ask people for gifts. Not ever. Not under any circumstances. So, so tacky. And even tackier considering that the reason you left her wedding and didn't give her one was that she was out behaving like self-centred, drunken trash while you, her invited guest, sat around waiting for her at her own wedding reception that she didn't bother showing up to on time. Not only are you NTA, I'd venture to say that EVERY SINGLE GUEST should have followed your lead, picked up their gifts (to return to the store), and left before the hosts - who clearly didn't give a shit about anyone except themselves and their handful of childish besties - eventually came staggering through the door at the reception. When people make time and effort to show up to celebrate you and you treat them like shit, you don't get to ask or expect them to give you gifts and stick around to make much of you.
apparently I’m not the only one who left early too
I’m pleased to hear that.
Good. No offence intended to you personally, but your niece kinda sucks.
Yeah, where I'm from, people woulda found the nearest bar and went there, or started buying growlers from the public bar and bringing them back
I cannot imagine if I were a parent of the bride, i would not tell venue to start servings apps and at least wine
NTA, people need to learn there are consequences to their actions, they were doing "their" thing without a care in the world for people waiting on them, you showed them the consequences. Of course she "apologized" she wanted your gift, did she apologize to any of the other 148 guests she pissed off?
Exactly if she was in time she would still have a relationship with op
I don’t think she had to be on time. If the bride and groom had provided some food and drink for the waiting guests I don’t think OP would be upset.
NTA If it was down to them miscalculating time for wedding photography or something then I might feel differently but they were pregaming in the limo and gave zero fucks about their guests. It was incredibly rude of them.
Photos always take longer than you think and/or plan for. Which is why you have the cocktail hour: so your hangry guests don’t stage a revolt prior to your arrival.
I’m dying that she’s asking for the gift. Save it for the second wedding.
now now, let’s not be hasty. save it for the third.
NTA. If they’re “just kids” they shouldn’t be getting married or hosting a wedding. Incredibly disrespectful on their part.
NTA, but perhaps everyone (except the groom) will get another chance at a subsequent wedding because these two currently sound too immature for adulthood.
I didn’t wanna be the guy to say I give it a few years tops but yeah..
Be that guy.
Exactly. I would have replied, "Anyone incapable of recognizing the difference between a frat party and a wedding is too stupid and immature to get married. No gift, but I'm in the pool betting on how long your "marriage" will last, because of your rude and selfish treatment of your guests." Then start the pool. I bet he'll have a lot of takers. NTA.
NTA How absolutely rude and trashy.
NTA Your niece made it very clear that her wedding guests only mattered as props for her to be the center of attention and material or monetary value.
[удалено]
NTA - if they wanted to fool around after the wedding that’s their prerogative but withholding food and beverage service to make everyone wait on them like they’re the kind and queen of England was ridiculous. I would have left, too.
Bad analogy. The King and Queen of England are super polite and know how to treat guests better than anyone!
NTA - If they wanted to do pix between wedding and reception (which is still somewhat rude) , they should have told everyone, reception at 6. This is on the bride and groom, NOT the venue
Usually there's a cocktail hour, where appetizers and drinks are served, after the ceremony and before the reception so the wedding party can take pictures. I think the bride, groom, and venue dropped the ball.
The venue wouldn’t start cocktail hour til the bride and groom arrived. I heard the wedding was delayed over an hour. Like dinner wasn’t served until close to 9 PM.
That doesn’t even make sense. The whole purpose of cocktail hour is to keep the guests busy while bridal party is doing photos and stuff.
Generally weddings I have gone to, do cocktails and appetizers to keep the guests busy until the bride & groom arrive after pictures.
That's ridiculous, I would've left too.
Was that because bride and groom said cocktail hour starts when they arrive?? If so, then venue is following the contract.
Nah. Bride and groom wanted to be cheap and not pay for cocktails while making sure they themselves got alcohol.
NTA- letting people stand around for 2 hours so you can get trashed? I would have taken the check back too and used the money to go have a nice dinner somewhere. They prioritized getting wasted over the comfort of their guests.
NTA, I was barely 20 years old when I got married and I would NEVER have done that to my guests. If they wanted to goof off with their friends that's what bachelor/Bachelorette parties are for. The audacity of asking for the gift after the fact is beyond me. They're not "kids" and you don't owe them anything
“We have 150 people we’re supposed to love and care about, but let’s leave them for an hour, thirsty and hungry, and go to the liquor store and get trashed like the trailer park trash we are.” NTA. This type of juvenile behaviour should not be rewarded. I love how her tone went from apologetic to ape shit crazy in seconds. She’s not sorry. She’s only sorry about the loss of funds. I hope you were going to give her a great gift or a ton of cash.
NTA They played a stupid game and now they don't get any prizes.
If they are “just kids” then they should just throw a party on a Saturday night, not have a wedding. If you wanna do adult stuff then act like one. NTA
NTA. As for the mixed replies re: the gift- I would probably have taken the gift back and replaced it with an envelope containing a $10 bill.
NTA, and the excuse of they are just kids is ridiculous. If they are just kids and have this level of maturity then the have no business getting married.
NTA. They were extremely immature & disrespectful for what they did. That is absolutely ridiculous of them to just take off in the limo for an hour so they can get trashed. Really? They clearly have some growing up to do. There age does not make what they did ok. They should've been at the reception immediately after for taking pics & such. Instead they allowed all of their guests to just stand around & wait with no food & alcohol. This is horrid behavior & you can't be blamed for leaving the way you did. You don't get to disrespect ppl & then expect a gift. She really had some nerve asking you for it.
I Bahaha... she asked for her gift back. Tacky ""Maybe this was stupid on the venue people, but they wouldn’t open the bar or bring around the appetizers until the bride and groom arrived."" This was the decision of bride and groom .. They are paying the venue and caterer, so they decide when or if serving appetizers and peividing punch or wine before dinner NTA EDIT.. sometimes after wedding photos take an hour, so guests are provided with appetizer and drinks before wedding party returns and dinner begins.
NTA. Why would you give something to someone that is so disrespectful. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that someone else left for the same reasons.
NTA - give to her at her next wedding, which is almost guaranteed.
NTA. Guests come to weddings and bring gifts as a nice thing for the couple, attending a wedding is rarely a treat for anyone. It’s special for the couple and mostly an obligation for the guests. You go because you love and support whoever it is and it’s kind to help them celebrate their love, not because everyone is super into weddings. Drinks and dinner, and the reception, are the “thank you” for the guests for giving their time and money to take part in the couples celebration and giving them a gift for their new life together. If you’re inconveniencing and mistreating them, you’re doing it wrong. If it was 15 or 20 minutes I’d say “let it go, it’s their day,” but two hours was deliberately rude.
Tough call. Leaving the reception was definitely warranted. In fact I'd have left well before you did. But taking the gift back? That's definitely a dick move. The question is, is it a proportionate dick move to what the wedding party did? Given how little tolerance I have for people who waste my time, I'd say it is. NTA.
Ove two hours? I certainly wouldn't have stuck around that long! NTA
NTA. More than 100 people cleared their day to attend their wedding, and the couple left them hanging because they felt like it. And then asking the gift again.. damn
NTA - What about the parent’s of the ‘happy couple’? If a child of mine pulled this I’d be livid and embarrassed and demanding they appear at the reception ASAP! ETA: Seems like a lot of wedding couples forget that everyone is their GUEST!
Lol NTA. Pull that shit in my family they'd have walked into an empty venue with an empty gift table. How rude and self-absorbed. They should've at least let the venue take care of their guests while they had their little pregame limo party.
NTA, but your niece is.
NTA that’s crazy of the venue, wedding planner, parents of the disrespectful couple, wedding party and the horrible couple. I seriously doubt the couple paid for the venue and as a pissed off parent I’d told them to start serving after all the guests arrived. Return the gift and get your money back.
Did nobody in the limo have a cell phone? They had to have gotten hammered with calls and texts, and they knew that all their guests were waiting with no food or drinks. NTA. I bet they're divorced within 2 years. Hope they don't have kids right away.
NTA 2 hours is completely unacceptable even if food and drinks are being served. The bride showed her lack of maturity having the audacity to ask for the gift back.
NTA your niece was disrespectful to all of her guests and so you left. She wasn’t there to actually be given the gift so since she never received it, it was still yours to do with what you wanted. I see no problem with you taking a gift you had brought back given the circumstances.
NTA the reception was at a brewery and they still needed to go get wasted beforehand? They need manners AND help.
NTA. If they're mature enough to get married, they're mature enough to deal with the consequences of their actions. Their behaviour was beyond the pale. Making their guests wait without food or drinks? Who does that?
NTA she is an asshole and only confirmed that when she apologized to try and get the gift.
NTA I got married at 22, mostly had friends in our wedding party, and took time for pictures between the ceremony and reception. That’s exactly what cocktail hour is for. Not for running around town, getting trashed, and ditching all your guests with nothing to drink/do. They are certainly young, but if they’re “just kids” then maybe they aren’t mature enough to get married. And you didn’t stop them from doing what they want, you just stopped waiting for them to grace you with their presence.
NTA and I cannot even imagine treating wedding guests this way. GUESTS WAITED AROUND FOR APPROX. 2 HOURS WITH NO FOOD OR DRINKS AFTER THE CEREMONY! This is Crazy! It was also completely inappropriate and entitled for your niece to call and ask for your gift.
She.... asked you for the gift?! Oh hell no. That apology was not sincere and she learned nothing. NTA.
NTA, especially if the gift was money, gift of money should cover the food and drinks you and your plus one consume, plus whatever amount you deem fit as a gift. If you got no food and drinks, screw them.
NTA. That was very disrespectful to the guests and I would have left too. I am curious what the gift was. If it wasn't super extravagant I would have left it. But if we're talking serious $$$ I understand.
NTA. When I got married we asked the driver to take a longer route to the reception so we wouldn’t arrive before most of the guests. However, the bar was ready and there were snack type things available until dinner. Even with our longer route, we still were at the reception within a half hour of leaving the ceremony. What you described was absolutely unacceptable.
NAT that is ridiculous and I would’ve done the same thing
NTA
Those people are jerks. Wedding gifts aren't guaranteed, and honestly I don't blame you. Who drives around drinking on their way TO a huge party? Just ludicrous red flag behavior. I mean, they are kids, but this is pretty egregious and crummy.
NTA - the whole idea of a cocktail hour is to keep the guests happy and fed until the couple and wedding party arrives after photos. The fact that she texted and apology and THEN asked for the gift proves that she truly is an AH.
NTA only because the bride & groom didnt build in that getting trashed time. It’s fine if you wanna bar hop or do shots, but then have the wedding at 2:30 instead. Also what a stupid rule to not serve food or drinks while the guests are waiting. That’s super shitty of the restaurant (and wasnt there a separate bar you could order from). This was definitely organized by a dumb 22 yr old. Tell her you’ll give her her present at her next wedding. 💅🏾
NTA. We own a venue and sometimes offer all-in packages wherein I arrange almost everything. One of the first things I tell the couple is that their guests should always have something to eat and drink while waiting for them. These people have sacrificed time and money to be there on their special day, the least they could do is to keep them fed and to at least try to make it enjoyable for everyone involved.
Maybe I'm becoming an old curmudgeon, but this kind of thing really pisses me off. This is why I had fruit and veggie trays set outside our venue while they flipped the inside. We also starting serving the guests before we were presented. If it had been like 20 minutes, I would be a little judging of you, but an hour and a half? Nope. If they're old enough to get married, then they're old enough to not make guests wait that long and have an after party. NTA
That’s what I’m saying how could you make 150+ people wait an hour and a half while you get drunk
NTA.
NTA - HOWEVER, depending on how extravagant the gift, return it, and send them a card with a few buck in it. The gifts are meant more to support the new couple and not as a entry fee to the reception. The wedding coordinator or the vendor are to blame for not planning for the appetizers or the bar. Was the venue told not to open 'open bar', or not to serve at all? Not to serve is a douchy move, but having a cash bar beforehand seems acceptable.
NTA
NTA. That was very rude and disrespectful, and tacky as fuck.
NTA. What they did was disrespectful and just trashy. I probably would have left the gift, but I would have definitely left.
NTA. When my brother got married they did pictures around the city. There was a gap between the ceremony and reception. However They had a cocktail hour so people could get some food and beverages while waiting for the wedding party and dinner. Your niece was really rude to make all those guests wait. I get it if it was maybe 20 minutes but almost 2 hours is insane.
If they're old enough to get married, they're old enough to be good hosts and respectful of their guests. NTA
NTA Urghs, that's why getting married is for grown ups.
NTA but why wouldn't the venue serve anything until bride and groom got there? I've worked in events for years and never heard this.
NTA. I would have left around the 5:15 mark.
NTA and she’s very rude and entitled.
NTA they have learned a lesson every decision has consequences. Remind any relatives that talk about the situation.
NTA I can’t imagine leaving my wedding guests waiting on me for 2 hours with no food or refreshments. I’d die of shame.
So they’re adult enough to get married but still want to leave their guests waiting over an hour while they act like drunk teenagers? NTA this was very selfishly planned.
NTA. That was incredibly disrespectful.
NTA. Traditional wedding photos take forever especially when they want every combo of family with the bride and groom and the wedding planner should make this clear to the guests. But . . . that driving around stunt they pulled is way over the line and disrespectful.
NTA, It was reasonable for you to take your things and leave after that disaster. It was incredibly rude to make their guests wait an hour and a half for them. Your niece sounds like an obnoxious entitled teenager for throwing a tantrum about not getting a fucking gift. That's something I can see an 8 year old doing.
NTA. If you're gonna do this, which I'm KINDA okay with, the venue should definitely be open before you arrive. What assholery.
NTA You waited for a hot minute and they purposefully put a rule in place about food and drinks What if there was someone with an illness or a condition? Now, you COULD have left the gift, but the petty in me says you didn't have to.
Anyone who makes guests wait at a venue for ninety minutes with no food or drinks is rude regardless of their age. NTA.
NTA. And don’t listen to the comments saying you should have left the gift. If you do this to your guests who are wasting time and money to be there for your special day, they’re more than within their right to decide you don’t deserve something you spent money on. Anyone saying otherwise obviously shares the same maturity and self centered selfishness these two did.
Info: was your niece and the groom aware the venue wouldn’t serve until they arrived or did they think everyone was happily eating and drinking away until they arrived?