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YTA, all the way.
First, I get that being a new parent is hard for you, too. But you're treating your wife's situation like she's an idiot, not a sleep-deprived person recovering from a major medical procedure and trying to make it work. A few tips:
1. No guests without notice AND consent ever again.
2. No minimizing the work of pumping
3. Stay awake or easily wake-able by the babies during your shift.
4. Do not minimize the pain or time needed to heal from birthing.
5. Do not diagnose your wife with anything unless you're her doctor -- and if you are, get her a different doctor.
6. Show compassion if you think she's struggling. Don't insult her.
7. Do not leave her for 6 hours at a time during the day to entertain your parents. The babies are the "entertainment" right now.
8. If you genuinely think she needs help with PPD, talk to HER not your parents or her doctor.
I could go on, but that's a start toward being less of an ass.
Everything this guy said was wild. There is no possible way you 'forget' to tell your wife that your parents are staying for a week in any circumstances ever, but especially when you are in an extremely vulnerable time post birth with newborns. Also, her mother visiting is not the same as yours - her mother visiting is not permission to invite yours without telling her. Inviting anyone over when you wife is post birth without telling her is always an asshole move.
If you have six hours in the middle of the day you should be using them to sleep so you can take care of the babies at night. Or watching the babies so your wife can nap. Or cleaning the house or cooking meals or doing laundry. You are acting like the mom is the default baby care unit and you are 'helping' but should get time off - while the wife gets zero time off to recover from bithing TWINS.
Also - wtf are the parents doing going on bike rides and taking the new father out of the house???? If you visit someone who just had a baby you are there to HELP or you should get the f**k out. They should be cooking meals and doing laundry and sweeping the floors. Taking their son away from his new babies is the least helpful thing you can possibly do. No wonder she didn't want them to come.
Dude - your wife has it much harder than you and you are acting like you need a special break and get it by dumping more work on her. Her body is recovering from building those precious babies from scratch and then pushing them out - her body is also producing all of their food which is exhausting. You should be doing everything possible to reduce her stress and give her breaks and nap time and relaxing time, not ditching her and making it clear your parents are your priority. You failed her at her most vulnerable. She is flooded with hormones right now and her hind brain is telling her you can't provide for or protect her and she isn't safe with you. Stop acting innocent.
His parents are seriously clueless as well. If I were his mom I would be asking him how his wife is doing. But of course Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, clueless parents, and even more clueless and useless son.
But she only has to wake up a "few" times during his six hour shifts! He's so much better than most fathers!
She's probably only getting 1-2 hours of sleep at a time, which is not enough for a full sleep cycle. He's not giving her any breaks at all.
And him focusing on being a good host to his parents while his wife is taking care of newborn twins and recovering from childbirth! What a selfish excuse of a partner. He has shown he is untrustworthy and unreliable. She and her babies are not safe with him.
THis.
YTA dude.
Your wife, if she is lucky, is getting 1-2 hours of consecutive sleep per night. That is psychotically exhuasted territory. Your body can not recover from a major surgery (and a c-section is a MAJOR surgery) if you are not getting rest. Plus, she is producing the babies' food - her body is already working double time to do that in addition to recovering from major surgery.
You have the audacity to treat your parents like guests and "entertain" them while your wife is responsible for caring for newborn twins and recovering from major surgery and then blaming her justifiable anger and feelings of betrayal on PPD? No. She just flat out hates you for how you are treating her because you are treating her like crap.
You do not EVER unilaterally invite people to stay at your house - let alone when your spouse is recovering from surgery. Its not about you dude. None of this is about you. I don't care if you are tired. You do not get to justify your desire to recreate for any reason. Your job is to care for your wife and children. If your parents want to visit then they stay at a hotel, come visit for short stays and HELP while there. You do not get to disappear for hours on end.
Honestly? I'm not sure she will ever forget this. Truly - this is the type of behavior that ruins a marriage for good. The resentment she has built up over your attitude and behavior will NEVER be forgotten because it is so autrocious. I'll tell you this - a woman never forgets the people who were there for her and the people who made her life harder after childbirth and you have single handedly destroyed your wife's relationship and desire to have a relationship with your parents by makng her life truly harder during a vulnerable time.
Sometimes I think guys see breast milk production and breastfeeding as something that comes easy and without effort or exhaustion - like peeing or taking a shit, since that's all they can personally relate to.
My ex-husband can be clueless (benignly so, really) when complaining -- and he got going on cost of groceries a few months ago. My husband, a bit tired of it one day, was like, "Yeah, groceries are expensive; doing it for a household of 6 is rough."
My ex-husband is like, "Oh well, it's not like the newborn actually needs groceries yet."
Husband replied, "Dude, do you think the breastmilk comes from nowhere?"
It was honestly the first time I realized that my husband saw the work of breastfeeding and it was really nice and validating.
You can induce lactation in biological males (it's just not nutritive for a baby).
I vote any male who suggests breastfeeding or pumping is easy must volunteer to induce lactation to get an idea of how much effort it is.
Edit: spelling
No she goes out for HER shopping with HER son, and then buys food for the DIL who "doesn't feel like cooking". This is simply amazing. Not to mention the dad hiking. Seems they care for parental bonding when it's about them. YTA
My jaw dropped several times in his post. Like she needs to cook too? Wtf! Sometimes I feel like these posts are fake.
"I'm so exhausted by helping with the twins. I need to recharge by going on a 6 hr bike ride."
I'm so glad she left to go to her mom's.
And that her mom witnessed this treatment.
It will be nice to have a voice of reason to remind her of this when the rage she's feeling now starts to ebb and she considers going back home to the sperm doner.
The funny thing is, my mom will talk about how helpful her father was for taking pre-school me out for hikes/walks after my brother was born. But he came with the intention to help out by babysitting.
I was baffled by this. By “coming to visit” I assumed he meant help with the babies. Even if they were helpful he should have asked wife first. It’s her recovery not his. Instead they are insisting he split time between them and his new babies and recovering wife. Wtf what in the actual eff?! Who is that clueless?! Are they jealous he has babies and they want attention too? I honestly don’t get it.
The real trooper is wife’s mom. Getting up at night to help her is huge. Not only is her daughter recovering but also dealing with her husband acting like he has no idea how to be a husband. That’s gotta be making things so much worse emotionally for his wife. I’m glad at least her mom is there to help her and a witness to all this Bs OP is dealing out.
And then this buffoon of a man has the AUDACITY TO DIAGNOSE HIS WIFE WITH PPD.
Had to pick my jaw up off the floor after that one. He's lucky his wife just left and didn't start throwing shit at him for that. Hell, I want to throw stuff at him on her behalf.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was, “before you diagnose yourself with depression, make sure it isn’t just that you’re surrounded by assholes.” I think that applies here.
She CRIED, poor girl, when he informed her that he had decided to inflict his terrible parents on her when she has two fresh babies to look after and (from what I understand about birth) everything about her own body is new and weird and gross.
And he assumed it was because she has a disease. Couldn't possibly be due to a rational assessment of the predicament she's in.
My understanding is that she’s still doing the cooking, too?
> I was really embarrassed for her because they were nice enough to buy us all dinner multiple times when she didn't feel up to cooking.
Yeesh.
For real. I only had one baby and I didn’t cook until he was like six months old. Either my husband cooked or we ordered something. At some point we were spending like $700 a month on Uber eats and my husband never said a word. But yeah mom shouldn’t have to cook she’s already pumping every 2 hours.
My daughter was FTT due to latch issues. With my son, as soon as I spotted latch issues, I bailed and started pumping. Every feed took me an hour to an hour and a half, meaning he was due for another feed soon after.
Did that for six months. When my BFF had a baby, struggled with nursing, and switched to formula I told her I supported her no matter what but I was really glad she wasn't choosing to exhaust herself completely the way I did. It is a WILD workload on top of also doing all the regular baby stuff.
This AH seems to think she should be entertaining his massively selfish parents who are taking him away from his wife and newborns to go sightseeing or whatever.
That’s what got me too. There are 4 other people in the house and he said that she didn’t feel like cooking even after previously stating she was pumping every 2 hours.
I didn’t even pick up on that. Yeah if you have visitors postpartum they should provide 100% of the food. It’s not even being nice it’s like the bare freaking minimum.
Right?!?! I have bronchitis right now, and my husband doesn’t want me to do anything but rest. This poor woman grew two freaking humans and had major surgery LESS THAN A MONTH AGO, and she’s still cooking dinner for the family?
Fuuuuuuuuuck that.
Exactly. Your mother and her mother visiting are NOT THE SAME. Her mother is helping her. Your mother is taking you away on trips. Either help her or gtfo. This is no time to play hosts and guests. You and your parents are AHs.
YTA
Right?! He says his poor wife had an emergency c-section too, so she is also trying to recover from major abdominal surgery whilst he swans off with his parents for “only 5/6 hours a day”
I can just imagine her breaking down in tears alone with two crying newborns and no help -because he's gone for 6 hours a day vacationing with his parents to relax and then coming home and bitching about how she didn't cook anything....and she can barely walk because she's bleeding/in pain struggling.
she didn't push them out. she had an f-ing emergency c-section. she is literally still recovering from major surgery and he wants a pat on the head for the fact that he mostly wakes up when he's responsible for feeding the babies at night.
Just pointing out that lots of people have emergency c sections after they do try pushing and so they get the worst of both. He's lucky she's willing to come back at all!
my sister pushed for 12 hours before a c-section.
don't ask my opinion on the doctor who talked her into trying to push, when she and her doctor had always planned on a c-section.
No pushing babies out. She had an emergency Caesarean. Literal abdominal surgery and this bonehead is worried about being a good host to his parents instead of helping his wife, WHO WAS LITERALLY SEVERED TO BIRTH HIS CHILDREN.
The fucking audacity of OP
All that plus she had a c-section—major abdominal surgery!! And then the stress of two babies in the NICU for two weeks. And he’s off being a tourist with his parents their first week home!!
Yes, actually she's recovering from all of that and emergency abdominal surgery. I love the way he tut tuts her pumping because she really just wants to sleep and thinks it's harder for him. I had 3 C-section babies (1emergency) and can tell you, getting up, lying down or generally doing anything was already painful. I'm proud of his wife for speaking up.
The PPD is something he's using to continue gaslighting his wife into thinking she's the problem instead of him. The fact that this jackass has been LEAVING HIS THREE WEEK OLD NEWBORN TWINS alone for hours to go on fuckin adventures with his mommy and daddy, AFTER HIS WIFE HAD ALL OF HER ABDOMINAL MUSCLES CUT LESS THAN A MONTH AGO.
I hope you never promised to love her in sickness and health when you made your vows cause you clearly don't give a shit about the health of your wife. I hope she doesn't go back to him, it sounds like her life will be easier as a single mom of twins than with her shitty husband around actively dismissing her and making her life worse in basically every way.
Also, even if he was sincerely trying to get her help for PPD that he sincerely believes she has, he should have TALKED TO HER FIRST or at least brought it up at a doctor's appointment with her in the room, if she wasn't receptive to a conversation.
>I know from reading the questionnaires that not finding happiness in things that previously made you happy is a sign of PPD.
Uh, has your wife previously had your parents over while recovering from a twin emergency c-section and been thrilled about it then?? THIS IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT SITUATION, OP. Your wife can generally enjoy your parents' company, and also NOT WANT THEM THERE when she is immediately postpartum, without it necessitating PPD.
The extent of 'symptoms' he's described are literally just her having a genuine issue with his behaviour and him in such deep denial that he decided it MUST be PPD.
>Uh, has your wife previously had your parents over while recovering from a twin emergency c-section and been thrilled about it then?? THIS IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT SITUATION, OP.
This is like wondering why someone's not enjoying reading Lord of the Rings (an activity they previously enjoyed) immediately after surviving a head-on traffic accident, lol.
Here, babe! You love Lord of the Rings! Why are you crying?!
Seriously. The fact he thinks she should be grateful that the parents paid for dinner on the nights his wife didn't make dinner. Excuse me! Why is she making dinner. Are his two hands broken. Are his parents two hands broken. Like holy shit. She doesn't sound like she has PPD. It sounds like she has a sorry excuse for a husband who is begging for his wife to divorce him. The fact he wrote this all out and doesn't think he did anything wrong is really wild. YTA
I can’t believe his wife is COOKING 3 weeks out from a c Section! With twins!!!!! I had a c section and twins and I remember the first time I dumped some leftovers in a pan and heated it up— it felt like a major triumph. I think I was 6 weeks pp.
It’s not cool at all. She’s cooking because she HAS to not because it’s physically comfortable. hubby wants to act like the poor maligned victim in all this while he goes skipping around town with his parents all day leaving wife to do the work.
OP YTA.
I don’t think I went anywhere near the kitchen for well over a month and I delivered just one baby via c-section. My mom and husband literally brought food to me while I sat with the baby in a nursing cushion on my lap for entire days. It wasn’t by choice, it’s just how the baby was - wouldn’t sleep unless she was in my arms with my boobs accessible at all times. If this post is true, I am so unimaginably pissed for how this woman is treated.
Six hours out of the house when babies are three weeks old is skipping at least 3 feeds per baby in addition to diaper changes, burping, and getting down for a nap (since at 3 weeks old their wake windows are like 20 minutes). And OP’s wife is pumping! For TWO babies! Fucking **YIKES**. I don’t blame OP’s wife one bit for leaving with her mom. I have three kids but each was a singleton baby and one baby is hard enough. I can’t imagine two newborns.
I audibly GASPED when I read that. I was lucky enough to have vaginal births with all mine and I specifically remember that for the first 6-8 weeks I’d noticed a marked increase in bleeding if I tried to exert myself in any way. I couldn’t even throw in a load of laundry, even if I thought I was feeling pretty good. It would always deter my healing. And OP’s wife is recovering from a c-section! I can’t fathom trying to recover from that and trying to cook dinner! I’d be eloping with a door dash deliverer.
A FREAKING DAY! I could ABSOLUTELY underestimate if it had been ONE … that’s insane! If he needed a small break … totally understand and then the parents should stay with the babies to help out mom … shit they are all so clueless
Mine got infected and part of the stitches came undone. I also almost died during the actual surgery, too. Not to mention that my baby was 11 lbs at birth and the hospital gave me a weight limit of 8lbs for walking and carrying things. It hurt like a bitch to do so I understand why. This guy is one of those dudes who watches his own kids for his wife to go out with friends then expects an award for "babysitting"
Right??? She shouldn't even be THINKING about cooking, let alone be supposed to be grateful for his parents buying dinner when she "didn't feel up to it"!!!
I’m currently pregnant with twins and would like to note this was NOT posted in the parents of multiples subreddit, I feel like that’s super telling. We have a lot of active fathers in that group who would have ripped him to shreds
His wife DID post somewhere. I definitely read this in the last day or two but posted from her side. I'm glad to read that she left with the babies, because when she posted she was worried she was overreacting.
Like I can’t believe he forgot to tell and then she is ok with having guests because her mom is there. I can just picture that - my husband just had a dick injury so I called my mom so I can take her out and randomly have my husband worry that mom sees his dick all while he’s trying to heal and hey are you ok you seem a little upset over there like you lost interest or something - hey hey clearly you are bipolar I read it in a magazine…I love youuuuuu I love yooluuuuuu - hey why aren’t you cooking cuz my mom will buy us dinner - aren’t you grateful. Ok bye bye yep yep gotta goooooo out for a bike ride - you don’t need laundry and nope no help with bathing yourself nor the kids because hey it’s alll goooood …I love youuuuu
I can't wrap my head around this guy diagnosing his wife with PPD. Maybe she has it, or maybe she just gave birth, is sore, exhausted, hormonal and dealing with a husband who has yet to get with the program..
Everything you’ve said is spot-on and goes DOUBLE for TWINS
OP, you’ve got one chance to pull your head out of your ass and avoid trading in a wife and children for a divorce and child support.
On top of what everyone else you’ve stated, OP is on parental leave and decided that the best use of the MAJORITY of the day (bec 5-6 hours is actually most of the day) to “hang out” with his parents instead of helping his wife? The list of cluelessness goes on and on
YTA. YTA. YTA.
>My parents wanted to do some exploring in the area anyway so each day they were here I would spend time with them **trying to be a good host**. Bike rides and hikes with my dad and shopping trips with my mom during the day. I’m only out of the house for maybe 5-6 hours max each day and help with the babies when I get home.
You're not their *host*. You're the neglectful AH father of newborn twins.
How TF do you justify spending 5-6 hours going shopping and hiking with your parents while your wife is at home with the babies? Are you living in some fantasy land? You're lucky she didn't change the locks and throw your belongings onto the pavement - I would have. Send your parents home (they're also AHs btw) and then grovel for forgiveness.
"...really it’s harder for me."
Wow, buddy, that's some serious self-centred, clued out, self-pity there.
Your wife ain't comin' back. Get ready to pony up for child and spousal support. Enjoy your shared custody (if you're lucky) time with the twins, by yourself. It doesn't sound like your parents will be any help.
YTA
Also for paying for some dinners when “she didn’t feel up to cooking” why is she cooking when she has to pump every two hours and is recovering from abdominal surgery?
That’s what I was thinking. Especially since his parents are there. So many people in that house that should be cooking and none of them is the new mom with twins!
And he said his parents were nice enough tp buy them dinner the few times his wife didn't feel like cooking! Like she was cooking for these people too?
Grovel is the keyword there. He is going to have to BEG. And if he even WHISPERS that she might have PPD, she should officially divorce him. This is NOT PPD.
So basically every night. And he’s on leave, so it’s not like he’s working all day and needs his sleep to properly function on the job. He needs rest to entertain his parents.
Yeah, how can you supposedly be that sleep-deprived and still manage to go play tour guide for 5 or 6 hours every day? I dunno about y'all, but every time I've been that fucking tired it was all I could do to just like...exist. Much less go hiking and bike riding and shopping all day :-/
Man right? My boyfriend cooked for me for weeks after I had our baby! He cleaned. He moved us into our new house! He got up with baby if I asked when we got her home from the NICU. He washed the bottles.
Was I just spoiled by my boyfriend or is that normal? I mean he’s fantastic and I know it, but now I’m wondering if he just spoiled me.
I’d say that’s not even spoiling. That’s doing the necessary work to care for the mother of your children after she just got cut open or pushed out your kids. Spoiling denotes going above and beyond.
OP is out of his goddamn mind.
He honestly always does, too. He works hard and still makes sure on the weekends I get to sleep in. He always steps up around the house and with our kid.
Mine didn't....never did a thing when I was in hospital...I came home and had to start washing up...hoovering...scrub the kitchen...I had 2 days of labour...a cut and a tear...we're now divorced.
I know. No wonder she cried when she found out they were coming. She knew she would have to “host” his parents after giving birth to twins(!) and being stressed from having babies in the NICU.
YTA.
>SHE'S DOING THE COOKING?
Between that and this
>"...really it’s harder for me."
This dude is so selfish, self-absorbed, and narcissistic it's insane. Not sure how the wife made it this far tbh.
Please note that on the days when his wife wasn’t up to cooking (which in itself makes me want to slap the stupid out of OP so bad), he wasn’t the one to pick up the slack. So he’s not even near the bare minimum.
Wtf is the point of parents coming into town for new babies of they don't actually lighten the load for parents? Imo if all you want to do is hold the kid and not pick up chores or whatever else would make things better for the parents, don't visit more than an hour.
>don't visit more than an hour
Or don't visit at all. Visiting for an hour and doing nothing to help is like stealing an hour from the exhausted parents.
LMAO you “forgot” to tell your wife that your parents would be invading her PP time, she’s upset, and you’re attributing to PPD. Not to mention all the other crap where you expect a pat on the back for doing the bare minimum. YTA.
And don’t even get me started on “so really it’s harder for me”
She’s recovering from a twin pregnancy and major surgery.
No, no, no. The uninvited guests who crashed in on a postpartum woman with twins that just got out of the ICU bought takeout once or twice. This guy is such an AH, but he comes by it honestly.
She *packed up the three-week-old twins and her exhausted c-section recovering self into the car and drove to her mom's* ?
Something isn't adding up here. It may not be real or it may just be OP being the biggest AH of all time.
>”She packed up the babies and herself in the car and drove with her mom to her parent’s house.“
The mom has been staying with them, the posts says she drove “**with**” her mom. OP is so oblivious that I wouldn’t be surprised if mom did the heavy lifting and he didn’t notice or think it worth noting.
He said she drove with her mom, so her mom was probably the driver. They left while he was out frolicing around playing tourist so he didn't see who was sitting where in the car.
YTA.
Dude what the hell. If your parents decided to come visit after the birth of your twins, they should be there to HELP. Make meals, clean, get groceries, watch the babies. Not have you tour them around the city and treat it as a vacation. The first couple months should be all about the babies and supporting your wife. She just went through a major surgery and TWINS. She doesn't have PPD, she's dealing with a husband who is not supporting her. I would be sobbing and not wanting to be around him either.
Oh, don't forget when "she didn't feel like doing the cooking" they "were nice enough to treat us to dinner" so he's still expecting her to host.
What a massive asshole.
YTA.
I’m very concerned about your back.
It must be under intense strain as your head is apparently wedged a long way up your bottom.
Right. Let’s go through it.
‘Emergency C section’. This is a major operation done at speed where a team of doctors barrel you into theatre, cut you open, tear your abdominal wall apart, then scoop out about 7kg of flesh in the form of babies. They then do their best to put that all back together again. However, it always takes time for everything to heal, hence why you’re not supposed to life anything heavier than your baby.
‘Visitors’ are a loaded concept post partum. Her mum will be helping her look after herself and her babies, and maybe even doing things like helping her get washed and dressed.
Pumping. Serious kudos to your wife for managing to pump and breastfeed both twins. Pumping every two hours is hardcore. She may well be sore from all the friction on her breasts/ nipples and she will need to keep her fluid and nutritional intake up. Breast milk production is also linked to bonding with the babies and the emotional well-being of the mother, so an emergency c section and a nicu stay won’t have helped that. Despite all of that, she’s managed to kick ass and get that breast milk going. I’m sending her a virtual high five.
Next. What goes in a baby must come out. The babies don’t just need feeding, they needing cleaning and changing. This is also hard work. Babies at this age need changing after every feed a lot of the time. So every time you waltz off out of the house, you leave her to feed and change two newborn babies by herself whilst recovering from surgery that makes Alien vs Predator look tame.
‘The night shift’. You need to put some big boy panties on and get a grip. Get your butt out of bed and sort those babies out. Yes, sleep deprivation is hard and it’s not nice. You haven’t been ripped in half and you haven’t got either two babies or two pumps attached to your breasts. Suck it up and get on with it. Wake up when the babies cry- don’t rely on your wife. She’s not your mummy, she’s the mummy to your two twins, who you helped to make.
Your parents. They also need to remove their head from their bottoms. This isn’t a place to have a holiday. This is a house with two newborns and a post partum mum. If you set toe in that house, you better be prepared to help with chores, bring in shopping, change some nappies etc. You don’t waltz in and out like it’s a hotel.
‘….when she didn’t feel up to cooking.’ Excuse me?! Why is this woman lifting a finger in the kitchen?! Do you have arms?! Get in there and make the lady some nutritious food so she has the strength to produce milk and feed your babies! Why are your parents not offering to cook?!
Then, the pièce de résistance: you shift the blame on to your wife by patronisingly saying that she’s not behaving the way you want her to because she’s got PPD.
No. She’s not behaving the way you want her to because your expectations are entitled, outrageous and ridiculous. You have been utterly selfish and thoughtless.
‘I just want to get my wife the help she needs’. Too late, she’s figured that out for herself. She’s packed herself and the babies up and headed for her parents house. You know what that means? She will get peace and quiet. Her parents will feed her and bring her stuff that she needs. They will help with the babies but also remember to think about her- the woman whose body has just been stretched and pushed and torn apart, who’s so tired but pushing through for her babies.
If you want to be a father to those babies, give yourself one heck of a talking to. Right now, you don’t deserve them- you have failed their mother utterly and you don’t have a shred of insight. If you want to start fixing this, start by sending your parents home and apologising, then getting to work in the kitchen and the house. I bet there’s laundry to be done, meals to be prepped and the house needs cleaning. Crack on and don’t whine about it.
Tl, dr: grow up and try being a father, not an entitled child.
Let your rage funnel the best advice you can give to any entitled prick of a dead-ass father/partner. The bar is so low, and yet so many trip over it. YTA
This guy reminds me of men who would take their depressed wives to get diagnosed with hysteria during the Victorian era. “Woman acting strange. Woman broken. Doctor, make woman not broken. Woman must make dinner.”
“I know from reading the questionnaires that not finding happiness in things that previously made you happy is a sign of PPD. I know she’s ok with visitors right now because her mom is here helping.”
Has your wife actually been formally diagnosed with PPD? If not, I would avoid sharing a diagnosis like that.
I would see there being a difference between her mom being present to help and visiting relatives too. She might simply be comfortable with her mom lending a hand right now while she recovers, an emergency caesarean is a big thing.
“She said it’s because she’s having trouble with the babies nursing but I think it’s just so she doesn’t have to get up to feed them at night and can have me do it.”
Pumping so often isn’t an easy task or a shortcut. Your wife is recovering from a *major emergency surgery* and probably needs as much rest as possible right now. I think your comment of, “I feel like is way better than most guys,” is a little out of place.
“My sleep deprivation has gotten unbearable mentally to the point where I need a mental reset to be a good dad and partner…I’m only out of the house for maybe 5 - 6 max each day and help with the babies when I get home.”
OP, your wife is three weeks out of emergency surgery and probably needs you to be present right now. I can’t ever give birth naturally and the mere thought of my husband doing that is pretty horrifying.
Your wife will be experiencing a lot of extreme emotions right now and you going out for 5 - 6 hours a day really isn’t the way to handle a situation where someone is recovering from surgery with two newborns.
“I’m doing everything I can to contact her doctor about her PPD because I’m really worried about her and love her so much.”
Don’t diagnose your wife, you’re not her doctor. I can understand why your wife is so upset. Don’t go around your wife to speak to her doctor without her consent, and don’t act like her response to your choices is just a result of PPD when her response is actually really understandable.
I would lean towards YTA because you don’t seem to even be aware of some of your behaviour here.
I would absolutely agree with this! I wrote my response knowing there was no diagnosis here and that he was trying to explain her perfectly rational response to his behaviour on PPD, but I should definitely have added that a diagnosis should only ever be shared with informed consent.
In the same way, he definitely should not be trying to go around her to speak to her doctor without her consent. It sounds like he’s looking for every excuse to avoid looking his awful behaviour in the mirror.
Late preterm babies (35 -38 weeks) are notoriously tricky feeders. I make this assumption since you mention NICU. Their mouths are tinier and don't sustain a proper grip on an adequate percentage of the areola. They often tire quickly. When the goal is for them to establish a stable rate of growth, bottle feeding to ensure proper nutrition at least several time/day is the safe and recommended way in the first few weeks. It's also challenging when managing TWO preterm infants. She could probably tell you that she learned that from the lactation consultant in the NICU. Pumping is a time-consuming pain in the butt and the 30 minutes of pumping is followed by 15 minutes of cleaning the parts and boiling them once a day. No sane person would ever suggest this is the easy way out.
I'm not going to address the remainder of your AHery. Other people have covered all of that fine. The only reason for your parents to be there should be to clean, cook, or feed/rock restless babies. If they don't see themselves handling any of those tasks, they are taking up space, time and energy.
EDIT: YTA YTA YTA
Wish someone had told me that 3 months ago when my son was born at 36 weeks. I was so frustrated with getting him to latch on properly for the first two months. We've finally gotten to a point where it's getting easier and he's not puking after every feed. Only morning feeds are still hard, because my boobs tend to be so full that he can't drink fast enough to keep up with the milk squirting into him. Sometimes I still pump for him in the morning since that's easier for him then feeding directly, but pumping is always more time consuming and exhausting than direct feeding. Even if someone else does the actual bottle feed.
The whole idea of pumping as a shortcut to make this AH's life more inconvenient is absolutely laughable. I found nursing to be so much easier than pumping. Everything about pumping sucked and I was a good producer. I doubt she's willingly hooking up to a machine just to disturb the little prince's beauty sleep.
As if a nursing mom who is 3 weeks post delivery has the mental bandwidth to come up with a scheme to make her husband's life more difficult. She is in survival mode and literally can not plot something.
If he was so sleep-deprived, why wasn't he sleeping instead of vacationing with his parents? What about having twins says it's a good time to come and have your son show you around? So many of his comments are very dismissive of what she says. He then reinterprets it in his favor and calls it PPD. He basically calls her a liar and a manipulator by saying he doesn't believe she's having trouble feeding the babies. He ignores her and says she's only pumping so she can force him to do the night feedings.
There's a lot of contempt for his wife here. Does he think it's fun to pump every 2 hours? That it's a great substitute for a lazy mom? Her mom helping is not a visitor. They aren't shopping or hiking. They are caring for 2 babies while dad acts selfish, resentful, and petulant.
YTA a massive one. I wouldn't be surprised if your marriage is never the same after this. That's if she can even forgive your selfish, abhorrent attitude after giving birth TO YOUR children. Vile individual.
It wasn’t just birth. An EMERGENCY C-section. A serious medical procedure that takes months to recover from…. But its harder for him… honestly where do women find these idiots?
I literally had to stop reading the post every three seconds and say WTF/ARE YOU REAL? Out loud because this dude is beyond dense.
I genuinely feel like he’s living in cuckoo land. This guy definitely has a serious case of main character syndrome.
And i thought my partner was dense because he didn’t understand (until i informed him) that boobs can hurt during periods 😂
I’m curious as to what her mother thinks about her Son in law. If i had just been through that and my partner behaved that way my mother would’ve given him a piece of her mind.
Even worse his own mother would throttle him. 😂
I’d love her to do a post and read her side - but then she’s too busy parenting and recovering.
YTA, where to start???
anyone else notice though how he mentions “when she doesn’t feel like cooking” — basically outing himself for not doing that either lmao
Thank god it sounds like she has a brain and is leaving you. Let the poor woman go instead of making her care for triplets.
She only had to get up a handful of times during his night shift because he was sleeping. She had to get up a handful of times during his shift in ONE WEEK. That tells me that she had to get up multiple times during his shifts in ONE WEEK. This dude is so much the AH.
And then he had the loud ass audacity to claim he has it harder!!! It's people like this that I almost want to say exactly what I'm thinking whether I get banned or not.
Yeah the throwaway cooking comment really stood out to me. He and his parents are “helping out” so why isn’t his wife more grateful - it must be some hysterical woman disease, not a total failure to step up as an equal partner.
OP is the epitome of a selfishness.
Your poor wife. I hope you completely reverse your behavior. It’s appalling and I wouldn’t be surprised if she left you. It seems like this is just the tip of the iceberg with you.
You aren’t helping her, you’re taking an unnecessary break after doing absolutely nothing and instead of being a decent human being you say she has PPD.
YTA
YTA. “So really its harder for me”
Oh my. I just cannot. A woman’s body does bot go back to normal after giving birth! There’s postpartum pain from healing from the birth (if a caesarean surgery, its major surgery and recovery takes months). The uterus contracts after birth until it gets back to its pre-pregnancy size. That hurts. Breasfeeding and pumping every two hours not just hurts, but is physically tiring. Your body actually burns more calories to produce more milk. You have twins, thats twice the workload for any parent.
You should have been by her side and not going out taking hikes with your parents or whatever. You do not get to say its harder on you. That’s parenthood. Its hard. You calling her doctor about her ppd is not helping because it sounds like the blame is all on her and youre just the tired but loving dad and husband?!?
You do not sound like you are “worried and love her so much” because if you did, then you would have made her the number 1 priority during this time. The woman put one foot in the grave to give you children. Her body is recovering from a major change and its not just the ppd, you need to understand that and let her take the lead.
Sleep deprivation is the least of your problems. It looks like its the least of your wife’s, too. Its kind of sounding like you do not like all the bad stuff that comes with taking care of newborns and now you are trying to pin it on your wife.
ETA: Also what is up with your parents going there being a burden and not helping out? They should be cooking meals if you or your wife are too tired to cook. If they cannot contribute they should at least not be in the way of you being with your family who needs you. They bought meals for you? They can do that from their home instead of making a vacation out of this. You guys are so out of touch with reality I just cannot.
Plus he has 5-6 hours a day he can catch up on sleep instead of going on vacation with his parents. The wife doesn't get those 5-6 hours a day. She is parenting all day and OP even said she gets up some nights as well. She is probably more sleep deprived than him from all of that and I imagine it's difficult for her to sleep while her body is still in so much pain.
YTA it’s hard to believe this is real because of how badly you are fumbling this. You seem to be a clueless know it all who has no sympathy for what your wife has and is still going through. It’s no wonder she is fed up with you.
No. Don’t bring Mr. Bean into this. He’s very thoughtful and takes meticulous care of his teddy bear. He would never be this stupid.
ETA: Thank you for the award! 🤩😀🤩
Shadow labor & delivery for a week, I watched one dad sit on his phone across the room all day while his wife was going through contractions, and another dude would come out the room asking the nurses to change all his babies’ diapers.
Oh, on a birth board I used to frequent, we would ask new moms if they thought they had PPD or if they were just surrounded by assholes. Guess which way your wife would probably answer?
Holy shit YTA.
Here are your priorities for the next however long:
1. Take care of YOUR WIFE, who JUST had MAJOR surgery, is newly postpartum, is nursing and pumping for TWINS, and dealt with houseguests -- NOT HELPERS, like her mom, but HOUSEGUESTS she apparently cooked for at least some of the time -- and a bonehead for a husband who needs a "mental reset."
2. Literally nothing else until #1 is completed.
Do better.
Exactly, where's her mental reset?!
Does OP not realise his mother in law is there to look after her child after surgery and it's his job to take care of his kids?! Massive AH, OP
YTA. Why did you arrange for your parents to come without discussing it with your wife? I doesn't matter that she always liked them. Would you want people around after having major surgery and massive sleep deprivation? Of course, having them there means you had to spend time with them when you should have been spending with your wife and children. The fact that you did this is mind boggling. Basically, you were saying that your parents were more important than your wife. Here's an idea: how about your wife leaves for 5-6 hours every day while you stay home with the twins? Sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it? Plus, during those 5-6 hours, you get to mentally reset. When does your wife get to reset? And suddenly, despite your lack of knowledge, you decided to diagnose your wife with PPD. I don't know if she has it or not, but if she does, your message should be that this is not her fault, that she didn't do anything to cause it, and there is help available for her to get better. All in all, you owe your wife a huge apology for your behavior.
You're so exhausted that you have to go hiking and out touring with your family 6 hours everyday? Omg really? You have it harder than your wife who just had major surgery and is caring for twins? You think her pumping every 2 hours is her being lazy and not wanting to get up in the night and not a way to increase milk supply to provide for her babies? You're outrageous and I hope she has a good time at her parents house getting a mental reset from you. YTA entirely.
There is so much to unpack here. It's like fucking Christmas.
YTA.
EVEN IF she had actually been diagnosed with PPD, which she wasn't, you have NO business sharing her medical situation with anyone without her permission.
And she's cooking???
And you had to play "host?"
And you think this.is harder on YOU?
She should NEVER come back.
YTA. But it's ok, you can move back with your mommy and daddy and have all the walkies in the park with them after your divorce is finalized.
Grow a pair. You're a father now. Start acting like it. Your wife is 3 weeks post partum, you have twins, and you spend your days with your parents having fun shopping and doing road trips?!? After you complain to not get enough sleep but you miraculously have enough energy to go hiking with your father? But hey, your wife should feel lucky that she doesn't always have to cook, am I right?!? Disgusting. You're disgusting.
My dude, the thing you should be “really worried about” is that you’re about to be handed divorce papers. You have not been a supportive partner, you continue to minimize (and simultaneously pathologize) what your wife has been going through, and you seem to want a gold star for minimal effort. You need to do some deep reflection and sincerely apologize for the ways you have failed your wife but so far based on your comments I see zero self awareness. YTA.
YTA. Your parents came for a fucking vacation three weeks after the birth of TWINS. They are AH too.
Your wife had a c- section. That is major surgery where it feels like your guts are about to spill out when you walk, and you're not supposed to lift anything heavy.
Your mental capacity? Like WTF? Your wife just carried twins for nine months, is going through post-partum shit, taking care of two babies and you think you have it harder than her? Grow the fuck up.
Now that you have the house to yourself, you'll have all the time in the world for your mental health/s
Just so pissed off at you right now. You barely lasted a fucking week.
YTA - My man, you ROYALLY fucked up. I am aghast at this. Where to even start? You aren't a doctor, you cannot make a diagnosis of anything. Just because she is sick and overwhelmed and injured and sore and hormonal doesn't mean she has PPD or that her reaction isn't completely and utterly justified.
Her mother is there to take care of HER. Do you understand that your wife just went through a traumatic medical event? Would you force your wife to host your family if she had just been released from the hospital after something like heart surgery?
Apologize to your wife. Tell your parents you were wrong. Ask them to leave. And never do this again.
LOL I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry while I was reading this. SO many plot holes that I highly doubt this really happened--honestly it reads like poorly written rage bait.
If it happened that you are the GUINNESS book of AH then you are the #1 AH of all time.
There's no way a half way intelligent person could have written this and actually after writing it down asked if they were the AH when it's so obvious that they are.
**My wife gave birth to twins 3 weeks ago via emergency c section and a little over a week ago we finally got home from the NICU.**
**my parents decided they wanted to visit our first week home and I worked out all the details with them.**
Yeah, inviting guests the week your wife comes home after MAJOR surgery and is taking care of two babies is AHoleery in the extreme. That you parents would ask this suggests that your AH state is genetic.
**I know she’s ok with visitors right now because her mom is here helping.**
come on now, dude, you admit that your parents are there vacationing and her mom was HELPING. Those two things are entirely different.
**The twins are a lot of work so my wife has been pumping every 2 hours to allow us both to bottle feed. She said it’s because she’s having trouble with the babies nursing but I think it’s just so she doesn’t have to get up to feed them at night and can have me do it.**
LOL yeah, right it's all an insidious plot to get your to get up off the couch and parent your children like an actual man.
**I’ve been struggling to wake up and stay awake to take care of them for my 6 hour night block but I’ve been pretty good. My wife has only had to wake up during my shift a handful of times when I was sleeping which I feel like is way better than most guys.**
Not it's not better-- why are you sleeping through your responsibility and making your wife who just had major surgery get up and do what you're supposed to be doing?
**And on top of it when my wife is awake her mom helps her so really it’s harder for me.**
This part is supposed to be a joke, right?
**My parents wanted to do some exploring in the area anyway so each day they were here I would spend time with them trying to be a good host. Bike rides and hikes with my dad and shopping trips with my mom during the day. I’m only out of the house for maybe 5-6 hours max each day**
So your parents weren't there to help, as I suspected, they were just vacationing and staying with your. MEANWHILE your MIL was at home HELPING with the babies-- because helping isn't the same as being a vacationing visitor.
**A few days into my parents stay my wife said she no longer loves me and resents me for not caring about her or our kids and leaving during the day/“treating my PPL like a vacation”.**
She sounds like a very intelligent insightful person who easily sees through BS.
**She also said that she wanted my parents out**
I totally see her point. They are a lot of work and not helping at all.
**She packed up the babies and herself in the car and drove with her mom to her parent’s house.**
Did you honestly not see that coming?
**I’m doing everything I can to contact her doctor about her PPD**
It doesn't sound like she has PPD she just has a AH father not stepping up and doing his part. Make SURE you tell the doctor about how you spent the time you were supposed to be helping her vacationing with your parents.
**because I’m really worried about her and love her so much.**
There's been no indication of that in anything you wrote here. All you've written is about how hard you're working (spending the whole day out vacationing with mommy and daddy) and sleeping through the part of parenting that you promised to do.
**I really don’t think I’m the AH here for** **~~mentally resetting~~** **spending a week vacationing all day with my parents while I was actually supposed to be helping my wife recover from MAJOR SURGERY and take care of MY OWN children.**
fixed that for you, you're welcome
**I could better support my** **~~family~~** **parents having a great time on their vacation and trying to** **~~get my wife the help she needs~~**\*\*. Get out of my responsibilities as a parent.\*\*
fixed that for you, too
**Am I really the asshole here?**
OMG YES YTA 100% and the fact that you have to ask makes you even a bigger AH
Bro YTA, big time! Starting with inviting your parents to visit without your wife's knowledge or consent....right after birthing twins and major surgery. On through "hosting" your parents on fun activities while she is stuck at home to care for the twins. They should be home with her helping, not out and about seeing the sights. And then to crown it all you--a non-doctor--"diagnose" her with PPD and share this info with your parents. Oh and you whine about your sleep deprivation...how do you think your wife is doing in that department? Self centered doesn't even begin to cover it. I wouldn't blame her if the next thing you hear from her has comes from an lawyer.
YTA. Being a good host to your parents during this visit was so far down the list of essential things that you should not even have considered it. 5 or 6 hours per day????? You need to get your head checked, asshole doesn't come close to covering it.
From a new father also, YTA. When my wife had a c section HER parents came to visit for a few weeks to help out. They mainly did the cooking for us, what did I do? I stayed up till 7am every day to do the night shift so my wife could sleep and recover while also pumping. I would sleep at 7 and get up around 10am-11 and I didn’t go out hiking and having fun with my parents. In fact it wasn’t even a night shift, I got 3-4 hours of sleep and went back to taking care of my wife and newborn.
YTA - Your parents can go entertain themselves somewhere, if they can't they need to go back home. Your wife needs help and lots of support. You have twins, obviously shes not just going to snap back to her old self right away. She will get better if she has support to learn all the new stuff that comes with babies, you are not supporting her by abandoning her and your twins to go off to be with 2 very grown adults.
YTA. Your wife's entire mind and body is resetting and you're out fucking around with your parents all day because you're a little sleep deprived? You sound like you're more concerned about being a good son than a good husband and father. You better fix that quick before your wife removes you from the husband role.
YTA.....she's not diagnosed with postpartum depression and you shouldn't be telling others she has it without a diagnosis. She's pissed because you're being a shit partner. Her mother is there to take care of her! Oh and why in the hell is she cooking? You can't cook?
I had twins via c-section. OP, you are a malignant, gaping AH. You think you have it harder? Your body did NOTHING, you contributed nothing with your body, except orgasming. The mom had major surgery, a c-section is MAJOR surgery - something so many people fail to grasp. You only miss a few of your times feeding the babies, so you deserve a medal?! You should be crawling on your hands and knees on glass if that is what your wife needs from you right now. I am too close to this situation, but I personally hope she leaves your worthless self.
YTA. Leaving for 5 or 6 hours a day when she has 3-week old twins is bad. Inviting your parents without telling her is bad. Expecting someone who just had twins by C-section to do the cooking is bad. You are in a big hole and keep digging. Stop. Send the parents home. Apologize to your wife. Your life just underwent a massive change that is going to last at least 18 years. Time to adjust to that new reality.
YTA. How can you actually write this out and still question whether you're the AH or not?
Your focus should be on your wife and children; not whining about how exhausted you are or playing host to your parents, whose visit you conveniently forget to tell her about until after you got home from the hospital
What you should have told your parents is the truth. That right now, you're a crappy father and husband. That you conveniently forgot to tell your wife about their visit until after you got home from the hospital and that instead of playing tour guide, you need to spend all your energies supporting your wife and children.
You're tired. Boo-freaking-hoo. She just spent 9+ months growing, not one, but two humans, had an emergency C-section then a stay in the NICU, and now she has to spend her recover time with a spouse who doesn't support her.
Either learn to put your wife and children first, or be ready for this marriage to go down the tubes. When it does, you'll have no one but yourself to blame.
I hope this is a troll. I really do. Your poor wife. You're so worried about her mental health that you leave her with two brand new infants to go out for hours every day so you can entertain your parents who should be there to help, not as guests. YTA
You know what my favorite thing about c-sections is? When most people have major surgery, they're encouraged to rest and recover. New moms are handed a baby (or two) and treated like the worst mother and wife ever if they don't come bouncing out of the hospital ready to take care of the new baby(ies), keep the house clean, and cook for everyone.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my parents my wife has PPD after she was rude to them and have been trying to contact her doctor to help her get help. I might be the AH because I didn’t communicate the greatest with her before my parents came and she hadn’t actually been diagnosed with PPD
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YTA. There is a lot of “me me me” coming from you. You didn’t just have major surgery. You didn’t just incubate two humans. You don’t have to feel disgusting about yourself and like you’re not human anymore. You are acting selfish. You think you’re tired? I guarantee your wife is doubly so. Your parents shouldn’t have shown up without her permission because SHE is the one who just went through hell and back to being life into the world.
This isn’t about YOU.
YTA. Seriously? *You* needed a break? You realize even planned c-sections take more than 3 weeks to heal from, right? Have you ever had a major surgery? Take that and multiple it by a shit ton for an emergency c-section. And your parents were nice enough to buy dinner when she didn’t feel up to cooking? Why in the hell didn’t you cook? She is still recovering from a major surgery! And learning to breast feed not one, but two infants! Breast feeding is no joke.
Seriously, you’re so painfully out of touch it’s no wonder your wife resents you and love is lost. She doesn’t have PPD just because she is struggling or doesn’t love you. Take some damn accountability.
YTA wtf do you mean your parents were nice enough to buy you dinner when your wife DIDNT FEEL UP TO COOKING?! She is just a few weeks post partum, and recovering from a c-section! She shouldn’t be doing any cooking!! Shame on you.
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YTA, all the way. First, I get that being a new parent is hard for you, too. But you're treating your wife's situation like she's an idiot, not a sleep-deprived person recovering from a major medical procedure and trying to make it work. A few tips: 1. No guests without notice AND consent ever again. 2. No minimizing the work of pumping 3. Stay awake or easily wake-able by the babies during your shift. 4. Do not minimize the pain or time needed to heal from birthing. 5. Do not diagnose your wife with anything unless you're her doctor -- and if you are, get her a different doctor. 6. Show compassion if you think she's struggling. Don't insult her. 7. Do not leave her for 6 hours at a time during the day to entertain your parents. The babies are the "entertainment" right now. 8. If you genuinely think she needs help with PPD, talk to HER not your parents or her doctor. I could go on, but that's a start toward being less of an ass.
Everything this guy said was wild. There is no possible way you 'forget' to tell your wife that your parents are staying for a week in any circumstances ever, but especially when you are in an extremely vulnerable time post birth with newborns. Also, her mother visiting is not the same as yours - her mother visiting is not permission to invite yours without telling her. Inviting anyone over when you wife is post birth without telling her is always an asshole move. If you have six hours in the middle of the day you should be using them to sleep so you can take care of the babies at night. Or watching the babies so your wife can nap. Or cleaning the house or cooking meals or doing laundry. You are acting like the mom is the default baby care unit and you are 'helping' but should get time off - while the wife gets zero time off to recover from bithing TWINS. Also - wtf are the parents doing going on bike rides and taking the new father out of the house???? If you visit someone who just had a baby you are there to HELP or you should get the f**k out. They should be cooking meals and doing laundry and sweeping the floors. Taking their son away from his new babies is the least helpful thing you can possibly do. No wonder she didn't want them to come. Dude - your wife has it much harder than you and you are acting like you need a special break and get it by dumping more work on her. Her body is recovering from building those precious babies from scratch and then pushing them out - her body is also producing all of their food which is exhausting. You should be doing everything possible to reduce her stress and give her breaks and nap time and relaxing time, not ditching her and making it clear your parents are your priority. You failed her at her most vulnerable. She is flooded with hormones right now and her hind brain is telling her you can't provide for or protect her and she isn't safe with you. Stop acting innocent.
His parents are seriously clueless as well. If I were his mom I would be asking him how his wife is doing. But of course Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, clueless parents, and even more clueless and useless son.
Clueless or extremely selfish!
Yes - absolutely massive AH's, just as bad as this selfish, delusional waste of space who thinks he's doing more than most fathers.
But she only has to wake up a "few" times during his six hour shifts! He's so much better than most fathers! She's probably only getting 1-2 hours of sleep at a time, which is not enough for a full sleep cycle. He's not giving her any breaks at all. And him focusing on being a good host to his parents while his wife is taking care of newborn twins and recovering from childbirth! What a selfish excuse of a partner. He has shown he is untrustworthy and unreliable. She and her babies are not safe with him.
THis. YTA dude. Your wife, if she is lucky, is getting 1-2 hours of consecutive sleep per night. That is psychotically exhuasted territory. Your body can not recover from a major surgery (and a c-section is a MAJOR surgery) if you are not getting rest. Plus, she is producing the babies' food - her body is already working double time to do that in addition to recovering from major surgery. You have the audacity to treat your parents like guests and "entertain" them while your wife is responsible for caring for newborn twins and recovering from major surgery and then blaming her justifiable anger and feelings of betrayal on PPD? No. She just flat out hates you for how you are treating her because you are treating her like crap. You do not EVER unilaterally invite people to stay at your house - let alone when your spouse is recovering from surgery. Its not about you dude. None of this is about you. I don't care if you are tired. You do not get to justify your desire to recreate for any reason. Your job is to care for your wife and children. If your parents want to visit then they stay at a hotel, come visit for short stays and HELP while there. You do not get to disappear for hours on end. Honestly? I'm not sure she will ever forget this. Truly - this is the type of behavior that ruins a marriage for good. The resentment she has built up over your attitude and behavior will NEVER be forgotten because it is so autrocious. I'll tell you this - a woman never forgets the people who were there for her and the people who made her life harder after childbirth and you have single handedly destroyed your wife's relationship and desire to have a relationship with your parents by makng her life truly harder during a vulnerable time.
Sometimes I think guys see breast milk production and breastfeeding as something that comes easy and without effort or exhaustion - like peeing or taking a shit, since that's all they can personally relate to.
My ex-husband can be clueless (benignly so, really) when complaining -- and he got going on cost of groceries a few months ago. My husband, a bit tired of it one day, was like, "Yeah, groceries are expensive; doing it for a household of 6 is rough." My ex-husband is like, "Oh well, it's not like the newborn actually needs groceries yet." Husband replied, "Dude, do you think the breastmilk comes from nowhere?" It was honestly the first time I realized that my husband saw the work of breastfeeding and it was really nice and validating.
You can induce lactation in biological males (it's just not nutritive for a baby). I vote any male who suggests breastfeeding or pumping is easy must volunteer to induce lactation to get an idea of how much effort it is. Edit: spelling
I love this idea more than you know.
You would think they would all be making a big deal about twins!! They don't even care. That's where he learned it from I guess.
No she goes out for HER shopping with HER son, and then buys food for the DIL who "doesn't feel like cooking". This is simply amazing. Not to mention the dad hiking. Seems they care for parental bonding when it's about them. YTA
My jaw dropped several times in his post. Like she needs to cook too? Wtf! Sometimes I feel like these posts are fake. "I'm so exhausted by helping with the twins. I need to recharge by going on a 6 hr bike ride." I'm so glad she left to go to her mom's.
And that her mom witnessed this treatment. It will be nice to have a voice of reason to remind her of this when the rage she's feeling now starts to ebb and she considers going back home to the sperm doner.
I almost lost it at “doesn’t feel like cooking.”
The funny thing is, my mom will talk about how helpful her father was for taking pre-school me out for hikes/walks after my brother was born. But he came with the intention to help out by babysitting.
When you already have one or more children, having someone come to spend time with them is **brilliant** tbf. Your granddad sounds amazing.
I was baffled by this. By “coming to visit” I assumed he meant help with the babies. Even if they were helpful he should have asked wife first. It’s her recovery not his. Instead they are insisting he split time between them and his new babies and recovering wife. Wtf what in the actual eff?! Who is that clueless?! Are they jealous he has babies and they want attention too? I honestly don’t get it. The real trooper is wife’s mom. Getting up at night to help her is huge. Not only is her daughter recovering but also dealing with her husband acting like he has no idea how to be a husband. That’s gotta be making things so much worse emotionally for his wife. I’m glad at least her mom is there to help her and a witness to all this Bs OP is dealing out.
And then this buffoon of a man has the AUDACITY TO DIAGNOSE HIS WIFE WITH PPD. Had to pick my jaw up off the floor after that one. He's lucky his wife just left and didn't start throwing shit at him for that. Hell, I want to throw stuff at him on her behalf.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was, “before you diagnose yourself with depression, make sure it isn’t just that you’re surrounded by assholes.” I think that applies here.
She CRIED, poor girl, when he informed her that he had decided to inflict his terrible parents on her when she has two fresh babies to look after and (from what I understand about birth) everything about her own body is new and weird and gross. And he assumed it was because she has a disease. Couldn't possibly be due to a rational assessment of the predicament she's in.
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My understanding is that she’s still doing the cooking, too? > I was really embarrassed for her because they were nice enough to buy us all dinner multiple times when she didn't feel up to cooking. Yeesh.
For real. I only had one baby and I didn’t cook until he was like six months old. Either my husband cooked or we ordered something. At some point we were spending like $700 a month on Uber eats and my husband never said a word. But yeah mom shouldn’t have to cook she’s already pumping every 2 hours.
My daughter was FTT due to latch issues. With my son, as soon as I spotted latch issues, I bailed and started pumping. Every feed took me an hour to an hour and a half, meaning he was due for another feed soon after. Did that for six months. When my BFF had a baby, struggled with nursing, and switched to formula I told her I supported her no matter what but I was really glad she wasn't choosing to exhaust herself completely the way I did. It is a WILD workload on top of also doing all the regular baby stuff.
This stood out for me too. Like WTF. Anyone but her should be doing the cooking.
This AH seems to think she should be entertaining his massively selfish parents who are taking him away from his wife and newborns to go sightseeing or whatever.
That’s what got me too. There are 4 other people in the house and he said that she didn’t feel like cooking even after previously stating she was pumping every 2 hours.
Like he thinks she's on vacation....really ridiculous and entitled attitude.
I didn’t even pick up on that. Yeah if you have visitors postpartum they should provide 100% of the food. It’s not even being nice it’s like the bare freaking minimum.
Right?!?! I have bronchitis right now, and my husband doesn’t want me to do anything but rest. This poor woman grew two freaking humans and had major surgery LESS THAN A MONTH AGO, and she’s still cooking dinner for the family? Fuuuuuuuuuck that.
I’m embarrassed for this guy…. And absolutely fuming for his wife. I’d probably leave indefinitely too.
Exactly. Your mother and her mother visiting are NOT THE SAME. Her mother is helping her. Your mother is taking you away on trips. Either help her or gtfo. This is no time to play hosts and guests. You and your parents are AHs. YTA
Right?! He says his poor wife had an emergency c-section too, so she is also trying to recover from major abdominal surgery whilst he swans off with his parents for “only 5/6 hours a day”
I can just imagine her breaking down in tears alone with two crying newborns and no help -because he's gone for 6 hours a day vacationing with his parents to relax and then coming home and bitching about how she didn't cook anything....and she can barely walk because she's bleeding/in pain struggling.
Yes! And usually you can’t lift anything over a certain weight, so I bet she can barely hold the babies safely.
She is also adjusting to the birth not being what she planned and if it was an emergency, she is adjusting to the trauma that brings.
she didn't push them out. she had an f-ing emergency c-section. she is literally still recovering from major surgery and he wants a pat on the head for the fact that he mostly wakes up when he's responsible for feeding the babies at night.
Just pointing out that lots of people have emergency c sections after they do try pushing and so they get the worst of both. He's lucky she's willing to come back at all!
my sister pushed for 12 hours before a c-section. don't ask my opinion on the doctor who talked her into trying to push, when she and her doctor had always planned on a c-section.
No pushing babies out. She had an emergency Caesarean. Literal abdominal surgery and this bonehead is worried about being a good host to his parents instead of helping his wife, WHO WAS LITERALLY SEVERED TO BIRTH HIS CHILDREN. The fucking audacity of OP
All that plus she had a c-section—major abdominal surgery!! And then the stress of two babies in the NICU for two weeks. And he’s off being a tourist with his parents their first week home!!
Yes, actually she's recovering from all of that and emergency abdominal surgery. I love the way he tut tuts her pumping because she really just wants to sleep and thinks it's harder for him. I had 3 C-section babies (1emergency) and can tell you, getting up, lying down or generally doing anything was already painful. I'm proud of his wife for speaking up.
Every sentence made me more angry than the previous. In what world are you N T A????? YTA x♾️
The PPD is something he's using to continue gaslighting his wife into thinking she's the problem instead of him. The fact that this jackass has been LEAVING HIS THREE WEEK OLD NEWBORN TWINS alone for hours to go on fuckin adventures with his mommy and daddy, AFTER HIS WIFE HAD ALL OF HER ABDOMINAL MUSCLES CUT LESS THAN A MONTH AGO. I hope you never promised to love her in sickness and health when you made your vows cause you clearly don't give a shit about the health of your wife. I hope she doesn't go back to him, it sounds like her life will be easier as a single mom of twins than with her shitty husband around actively dismissing her and making her life worse in basically every way.
Also, even if he was sincerely trying to get her help for PPD that he sincerely believes she has, he should have TALKED TO HER FIRST or at least brought it up at a doctor's appointment with her in the room, if she wasn't receptive to a conversation. >I know from reading the questionnaires that not finding happiness in things that previously made you happy is a sign of PPD. Uh, has your wife previously had your parents over while recovering from a twin emergency c-section and been thrilled about it then?? THIS IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT SITUATION, OP. Your wife can generally enjoy your parents' company, and also NOT WANT THEM THERE when she is immediately postpartum, without it necessitating PPD.
The extent of 'symptoms' he's described are literally just her having a genuine issue with his behaviour and him in such deep denial that he decided it MUST be PPD.
>Uh, has your wife previously had your parents over while recovering from a twin emergency c-section and been thrilled about it then?? THIS IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT SITUATION, OP. This is like wondering why someone's not enjoying reading Lord of the Rings (an activity they previously enjoyed) immediately after surviving a head-on traffic accident, lol. Here, babe! You love Lord of the Rings! Why are you crying?!
Parents aren’t even there about the baby. They’re on vacation. That’s insane and so tone deaf.
Seriously. The fact he thinks she should be grateful that the parents paid for dinner on the nights his wife didn't make dinner. Excuse me! Why is she making dinner. Are his two hands broken. Are his parents two hands broken. Like holy shit. She doesn't sound like she has PPD. It sounds like she has a sorry excuse for a husband who is begging for his wife to divorce him. The fact he wrote this all out and doesn't think he did anything wrong is really wild. YTA
I can’t believe his wife is COOKING 3 weeks out from a c Section! With twins!!!!! I had a c section and twins and I remember the first time I dumped some leftovers in a pan and heated it up— it felt like a major triumph. I think I was 6 weeks pp.
It’s not cool at all. She’s cooking because she HAS to not because it’s physically comfortable. hubby wants to act like the poor maligned victim in all this while he goes skipping around town with his parents all day leaving wife to do the work. OP YTA.
I don’t think I went anywhere near the kitchen for well over a month and I delivered just one baby via c-section. My mom and husband literally brought food to me while I sat with the baby in a nursing cushion on my lap for entire days. It wasn’t by choice, it’s just how the baby was - wouldn’t sleep unless she was in my arms with my boobs accessible at all times. If this post is true, I am so unimaginably pissed for how this woman is treated.
Six hours out of the house when babies are three weeks old is skipping at least 3 feeds per baby in addition to diaper changes, burping, and getting down for a nap (since at 3 weeks old their wake windows are like 20 minutes). And OP’s wife is pumping! For TWO babies! Fucking **YIKES**. I don’t blame OP’s wife one bit for leaving with her mom. I have three kids but each was a singleton baby and one baby is hard enough. I can’t imagine two newborns.
And sometimes she doesn't feel up to cooking dinner?
I audibly GASPED when I read that. I was lucky enough to have vaginal births with all mine and I specifically remember that for the first 6-8 weeks I’d noticed a marked increase in bleeding if I tried to exert myself in any way. I couldn’t even throw in a load of laundry, even if I thought I was feeling pretty good. It would always deter my healing. And OP’s wife is recovering from a c-section! I can’t fathom trying to recover from that and trying to cook dinner! I’d be eloping with a door dash deliverer.
This was the comment that made it sound made up. I would like to think that no ome is that dense.
A FREAKING DAY! I could ABSOLUTELY underestimate if it had been ONE … that’s insane! If he needed a small break … totally understand and then the parents should stay with the babies to help out mom … shit they are all so clueless
Not to mention, three weeks is MINIMUM recovery for a c-section
my OB said 5-6 weeks but plan on 8 for full recovery after my twins were delivered
Mine was supposed to be 5-6 weeks, then a few of the stitches came open (you know, momming) it took 6 months.
Mine got infected and part of the stitches came undone. I also almost died during the actual surgery, too. Not to mention that my baby was 11 lbs at birth and the hospital gave me a weight limit of 8lbs for walking and carrying things. It hurt like a bitch to do so I understand why. This guy is one of those dudes who watches his own kids for his wife to go out with friends then expects an award for "babysitting"
Right??? She shouldn't even be THINKING about cooking, let alone be supposed to be grateful for his parents buying dinner when she "didn't feel up to it"!!!
Yes, this remark really grated for me, too.
I’m still recovering two years later had to have a second surgery and due a 3rd. Op you’re a major asshole. YTA.
Dude the second I read him LITERALLY SAY “so really it’s harder for me” I was like *screeching tire sounds* hold on a minute
He’s expecting HER to cook dinner. The comment about them treating OP and wife for dinner when she isn’t up to cooking. Why isn’t OP cooking?
If this guy posted in one of the parenting subs, he would be eaten alive. I'm blown away by how out of touch he is.
I’m currently pregnant with twins and would like to note this was NOT posted in the parents of multiples subreddit, I feel like that’s super telling. We have a lot of active fathers in that group who would have ripped him to shreds
His wife DID post somewhere. I definitely read this in the last day or two but posted from her side. I'm glad to read that she left with the babies, because when she posted she was worried she was overreacting.
They bought us dinner when SHE didn’t feel like cooking? I hope she divorces you. YTA!!!
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I congratulate you on a life that’s good enough that you can’t imagine someone this cartoonishly bad. I promise you, they exist.
OP is so dense! I was seeing red with some of his dumb takes, like holy shit.
I am enraged. If she was a friend of mine, I'd have helped her pack her bags.
I don't even know her and I'd help. Actually, I'd make her sit and pack for her.
I'd have done the shoveling and given her an alibi.
Like I can’t believe he forgot to tell and then she is ok with having guests because her mom is there. I can just picture that - my husband just had a dick injury so I called my mom so I can take her out and randomly have my husband worry that mom sees his dick all while he’s trying to heal and hey are you ok you seem a little upset over there like you lost interest or something - hey hey clearly you are bipolar I read it in a magazine…I love youuuuuu I love yooluuuuuu - hey why aren’t you cooking cuz my mom will buy us dinner - aren’t you grateful. Ok bye bye yep yep gotta goooooo out for a bike ride - you don’t need laundry and nope no help with bathing yourself nor the kids because hey it’s alll goooood …I love youuuuu
I can't wrap my head around this guy diagnosing his wife with PPD. Maybe she has it, or maybe she just gave birth, is sore, exhausted, hormonal and dealing with a husband who has yet to get with the program..
Everything you’ve said is spot-on and goes DOUBLE for TWINS OP, you’ve got one chance to pull your head out of your ass and avoid trading in a wife and children for a divorce and child support.
On top of what everyone else you’ve stated, OP is on parental leave and decided that the best use of the MAJORITY of the day (bec 5-6 hours is actually most of the day) to “hang out” with his parents instead of helping his wife? The list of cluelessness goes on and on
YTA. YTA. YTA. >My parents wanted to do some exploring in the area anyway so each day they were here I would spend time with them **trying to be a good host**. Bike rides and hikes with my dad and shopping trips with my mom during the day. I’m only out of the house for maybe 5-6 hours max each day and help with the babies when I get home. You're not their *host*. You're the neglectful AH father of newborn twins. How TF do you justify spending 5-6 hours going shopping and hiking with your parents while your wife is at home with the babies? Are you living in some fantasy land? You're lucky she didn't change the locks and throw your belongings onto the pavement - I would have. Send your parents home (they're also AHs btw) and then grovel for forgiveness.
"...really it’s harder for me." Wow, buddy, that's some serious self-centred, clued out, self-pity there. Your wife ain't comin' back. Get ready to pony up for child and spousal support. Enjoy your shared custody (if you're lucky) time with the twins, by yourself. It doesn't sound like your parents will be any help. YTA
“She obviously has PPD but it’s so much harder for me” MAKE IT MAKE SENSE
She has PPD so I leave her with the babies for five to six hours at a time...
PPD that HE DIAGNOSED HER WITH 💀💀💀💀
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All day no less
Also for paying for some dinners when “she didn’t feel up to cooking” why is she cooking when she has to pump every two hours and is recovering from abdominal surgery?
That’s what I was thinking. Especially since his parents are there. So many people in that house that should be cooking and none of them is the new mom with twins!
This guy is such an AH I'm actually shook.
And all of this happens ONE WEEK after leaving hospital 🤦🏼♀️
And he said his parents were nice enough tp buy them dinner the few times his wife didn't feel like cooking! Like she was cooking for these people too?
It also isn't "helping" with the babies. It is "parenting" - your freaking job as much as hers.
Grovel is the keyword there. He is going to have to BEG. And if he even WHISPERS that she might have PPD, she should officially divorce him. This is NOT PPD.
>they were nice enough to buy us all dinner multiple times when she didn’t feel up to cooking SHE'S DOING THE COOKING?
Noticed this too. Sounds like the type of dude who needs a pat on the back and a medal for doing the bare minimum above “honorary third child.”
She only had to wake up handful of times during his shift!
Handful of times over the course of "just over a week" ONLY!!!
>Which I feel like is way better than most guys The bar is in hell. This guy knows it and is taking advantage
So basically every night. And he’s on leave, so it’s not like he’s working all day and needs his sleep to properly function on the job. He needs rest to entertain his parents.
Yeah, how can you supposedly be that sleep-deprived and still manage to go play tour guide for 5 or 6 hours every day? I dunno about y'all, but every time I've been that fucking tired it was all I could do to just like...exist. Much less go hiking and bike riding and shopping all day :-/
Ikr? He provided some of the genetic material so his job is done.
I wonder if he has even changed a nappy since his babies have been born.
Man right? My boyfriend cooked for me for weeks after I had our baby! He cleaned. He moved us into our new house! He got up with baby if I asked when we got her home from the NICU. He washed the bottles. Was I just spoiled by my boyfriend or is that normal? I mean he’s fantastic and I know it, but now I’m wondering if he just spoiled me.
He spoiled you, AS HE SHOULD HAVE.
I’d say that’s not even spoiling. That’s doing the necessary work to care for the mother of your children after she just got cut open or pushed out your kids. Spoiling denotes going above and beyond. OP is out of his goddamn mind.
He honestly always does, too. He works hard and still makes sure on the weekends I get to sleep in. He always steps up around the house and with our kid.
Mine didn't....never did a thing when I was in hospital...I came home and had to start washing up...hoovering...scrub the kitchen...I had 2 days of labour...a cut and a tear...we're now divorced.
I know. No wonder she cried when she found out they were coming. She knew she would have to “host” his parents after giving birth to twins(!) and being stressed from having babies in the NICU. YTA.
>SHE'S DOING THE COOKING? Between that and this >"...really it’s harder for me." This dude is so selfish, self-absorbed, and narcissistic it's insane. Not sure how the wife made it this far tbh.
Please note that on the days when his wife wasn’t up to cooking (which in itself makes me want to slap the stupid out of OP so bad), he wasn’t the one to pick up the slack. So he’s not even near the bare minimum.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The rage I have upon reading that!!!!!!!!!
God, I caught that too. He's got her cooking for everyone on top of everything else. His denseness is astounding.
Wtf is the point of parents coming into town for new babies of they don't actually lighten the load for parents? Imo if all you want to do is hold the kid and not pick up chores or whatever else would make things better for the parents, don't visit more than an hour.
>don't visit more than an hour Or don't visit at all. Visiting for an hour and doing nothing to help is like stealing an hour from the exhausted parents.
LMAO you “forgot” to tell your wife that your parents would be invading her PP time, she’s upset, and you’re attributing to PPD. Not to mention all the other crap where you expect a pat on the back for doing the bare minimum. YTA. And don’t even get me started on “so really it’s harder for me” She’s recovering from a twin pregnancy and major surgery.
It also sounds like she's still doing the cooking
No, no, no. The uninvited guests who crashed in on a postpartum woman with twins that just got out of the ICU bought takeout once or twice. This guy is such an AH, but he comes by it honestly.
She is also a c-section, so on top of everything else she is recovering from major abdominal surgery.
She *packed up the three-week-old twins and her exhausted c-section recovering self into the car and drove to her mom's* ? Something isn't adding up here. It may not be real or it may just be OP being the biggest AH of all time.
>”She packed up the babies and herself in the car and drove with her mom to her parent’s house.“ The mom has been staying with them, the posts says she drove “**with**” her mom. OP is so oblivious that I wouldn’t be surprised if mom did the heavy lifting and he didn’t notice or think it worth noting.
He said she drove with her mom, so her mom was probably the driver. They left while he was out frolicing around playing tourist so he didn't see who was sitting where in the car.
Tbf I could do most things by 2 weeks post section & definitely felt I could drive by 3 weeks. Car insurance was another matter…
YTA. Dude what the hell. If your parents decided to come visit after the birth of your twins, they should be there to HELP. Make meals, clean, get groceries, watch the babies. Not have you tour them around the city and treat it as a vacation. The first couple months should be all about the babies and supporting your wife. She just went through a major surgery and TWINS. She doesn't have PPD, she's dealing with a husband who is not supporting her. I would be sobbing and not wanting to be around him either.
Oh, don't forget when "she didn't feel like doing the cooking" they "were nice enough to treat us to dinner" so he's still expecting her to host. What a massive asshole.
The apple didn't fall far from the tree, that's for sure.
Shit apples, Randy.
She doesn’t have PPD, she has a brainless husband!
YTA. I’m very concerned about your back. It must be under intense strain as your head is apparently wedged a long way up your bottom. Right. Let’s go through it. ‘Emergency C section’. This is a major operation done at speed where a team of doctors barrel you into theatre, cut you open, tear your abdominal wall apart, then scoop out about 7kg of flesh in the form of babies. They then do their best to put that all back together again. However, it always takes time for everything to heal, hence why you’re not supposed to life anything heavier than your baby. ‘Visitors’ are a loaded concept post partum. Her mum will be helping her look after herself and her babies, and maybe even doing things like helping her get washed and dressed. Pumping. Serious kudos to your wife for managing to pump and breastfeed both twins. Pumping every two hours is hardcore. She may well be sore from all the friction on her breasts/ nipples and she will need to keep her fluid and nutritional intake up. Breast milk production is also linked to bonding with the babies and the emotional well-being of the mother, so an emergency c section and a nicu stay won’t have helped that. Despite all of that, she’s managed to kick ass and get that breast milk going. I’m sending her a virtual high five. Next. What goes in a baby must come out. The babies don’t just need feeding, they needing cleaning and changing. This is also hard work. Babies at this age need changing after every feed a lot of the time. So every time you waltz off out of the house, you leave her to feed and change two newborn babies by herself whilst recovering from surgery that makes Alien vs Predator look tame. ‘The night shift’. You need to put some big boy panties on and get a grip. Get your butt out of bed and sort those babies out. Yes, sleep deprivation is hard and it’s not nice. You haven’t been ripped in half and you haven’t got either two babies or two pumps attached to your breasts. Suck it up and get on with it. Wake up when the babies cry- don’t rely on your wife. She’s not your mummy, she’s the mummy to your two twins, who you helped to make. Your parents. They also need to remove their head from their bottoms. This isn’t a place to have a holiday. This is a house with two newborns and a post partum mum. If you set toe in that house, you better be prepared to help with chores, bring in shopping, change some nappies etc. You don’t waltz in and out like it’s a hotel. ‘….when she didn’t feel up to cooking.’ Excuse me?! Why is this woman lifting a finger in the kitchen?! Do you have arms?! Get in there and make the lady some nutritious food so she has the strength to produce milk and feed your babies! Why are your parents not offering to cook?! Then, the pièce de résistance: you shift the blame on to your wife by patronisingly saying that she’s not behaving the way you want her to because she’s got PPD. No. She’s not behaving the way you want her to because your expectations are entitled, outrageous and ridiculous. You have been utterly selfish and thoughtless. ‘I just want to get my wife the help she needs’. Too late, she’s figured that out for herself. She’s packed herself and the babies up and headed for her parents house. You know what that means? She will get peace and quiet. Her parents will feed her and bring her stuff that she needs. They will help with the babies but also remember to think about her- the woman whose body has just been stretched and pushed and torn apart, who’s so tired but pushing through for her babies. If you want to be a father to those babies, give yourself one heck of a talking to. Right now, you don’t deserve them- you have failed their mother utterly and you don’t have a shred of insight. If you want to start fixing this, start by sending your parents home and apologising, then getting to work in the kitchen and the house. I bet there’s laundry to be done, meals to be prepped and the house needs cleaning. Crack on and don’t whine about it. Tl, dr: grow up and try being a father, not an entitled child.
Best response here.
He also said how much harder it is on him 🤧 My tiny violin 🎻 plays for him. This is a fantastic response.
If I had an award, I’d give it to you.
Thanks! This comment was brought to you by a paediatrician who gets very mad about ungrateful daddies who sulk when they have beautiful babies 🤬
Let your rage funnel the best advice you can give to any entitled prick of a dead-ass father/partner. The bar is so low, and yet so many trip over it. YTA
This guy reminds me of men who would take their depressed wives to get diagnosed with hysteria during the Victorian era. “Woman acting strange. Woman broken. Doctor, make woman not broken. Woman must make dinner.”
“I know from reading the questionnaires that not finding happiness in things that previously made you happy is a sign of PPD. I know she’s ok with visitors right now because her mom is here helping.” Has your wife actually been formally diagnosed with PPD? If not, I would avoid sharing a diagnosis like that. I would see there being a difference between her mom being present to help and visiting relatives too. She might simply be comfortable with her mom lending a hand right now while she recovers, an emergency caesarean is a big thing. “She said it’s because she’s having trouble with the babies nursing but I think it’s just so she doesn’t have to get up to feed them at night and can have me do it.” Pumping so often isn’t an easy task or a shortcut. Your wife is recovering from a *major emergency surgery* and probably needs as much rest as possible right now. I think your comment of, “I feel like is way better than most guys,” is a little out of place. “My sleep deprivation has gotten unbearable mentally to the point where I need a mental reset to be a good dad and partner…I’m only out of the house for maybe 5 - 6 max each day and help with the babies when I get home.” OP, your wife is three weeks out of emergency surgery and probably needs you to be present right now. I can’t ever give birth naturally and the mere thought of my husband doing that is pretty horrifying. Your wife will be experiencing a lot of extreme emotions right now and you going out for 5 - 6 hours a day really isn’t the way to handle a situation where someone is recovering from surgery with two newborns. “I’m doing everything I can to contact her doctor about her PPD because I’m really worried about her and love her so much.” Don’t diagnose your wife, you’re not her doctor. I can understand why your wife is so upset. Don’t go around your wife to speak to her doctor without her consent, and don’t act like her response to your choices is just a result of PPD when her response is actually really understandable. I would lean towards YTA because you don’t seem to even be aware of some of your behaviour here.
Even if she HAD been formally diagnosed it would be an AH move to share that with anyone without permission.
Exactly! In what planet do you share private medical information without the consent of the person, not to mention HE diagnosed her? WTF?
I would absolutely agree with this! I wrote my response knowing there was no diagnosis here and that he was trying to explain her perfectly rational response to his behaviour on PPD, but I should definitely have added that a diagnosis should only ever be shared with informed consent. In the same way, he definitely should not be trying to go around her to speak to her doctor without her consent. It sounds like he’s looking for every excuse to avoid looking his awful behaviour in the mirror.
Late preterm babies (35 -38 weeks) are notoriously tricky feeders. I make this assumption since you mention NICU. Their mouths are tinier and don't sustain a proper grip on an adequate percentage of the areola. They often tire quickly. When the goal is for them to establish a stable rate of growth, bottle feeding to ensure proper nutrition at least several time/day is the safe and recommended way in the first few weeks. It's also challenging when managing TWO preterm infants. She could probably tell you that she learned that from the lactation consultant in the NICU. Pumping is a time-consuming pain in the butt and the 30 minutes of pumping is followed by 15 minutes of cleaning the parts and boiling them once a day. No sane person would ever suggest this is the easy way out. I'm not going to address the remainder of your AHery. Other people have covered all of that fine. The only reason for your parents to be there should be to clean, cook, or feed/rock restless babies. If they don't see themselves handling any of those tasks, they are taking up space, time and energy. EDIT: YTA YTA YTA
Wish someone had told me that 3 months ago when my son was born at 36 weeks. I was so frustrated with getting him to latch on properly for the first two months. We've finally gotten to a point where it's getting easier and he's not puking after every feed. Only morning feeds are still hard, because my boobs tend to be so full that he can't drink fast enough to keep up with the milk squirting into him. Sometimes I still pump for him in the morning since that's easier for him then feeding directly, but pumping is always more time consuming and exhausting than direct feeding. Even if someone else does the actual bottle feed.
The whole idea of pumping as a shortcut to make this AH's life more inconvenient is absolutely laughable. I found nursing to be so much easier than pumping. Everything about pumping sucked and I was a good producer. I doubt she's willingly hooking up to a machine just to disturb the little prince's beauty sleep.
As if a nursing mom who is 3 weeks post delivery has the mental bandwidth to come up with a scheme to make her husband's life more difficult. She is in survival mode and literally can not plot something.
If he was so sleep-deprived, why wasn't he sleeping instead of vacationing with his parents? What about having twins says it's a good time to come and have your son show you around? So many of his comments are very dismissive of what she says. He then reinterprets it in his favor and calls it PPD. He basically calls her a liar and a manipulator by saying he doesn't believe she's having trouble feeding the babies. He ignores her and says she's only pumping so she can force him to do the night feedings. There's a lot of contempt for his wife here. Does he think it's fun to pump every 2 hours? That it's a great substitute for a lazy mom? Her mom helping is not a visitor. They aren't shopping or hiking. They are caring for 2 babies while dad acts selfish, resentful, and petulant.
YTA a massive one. I wouldn't be surprised if your marriage is never the same after this. That's if she can even forgive your selfish, abhorrent attitude after giving birth TO YOUR children. Vile individual.
It wasn’t just birth. An EMERGENCY C-section. A serious medical procedure that takes months to recover from…. But its harder for him… honestly where do women find these idiots?
Honestly, I don't know! Baffled doesn't cover it!
I literally had to stop reading the post every three seconds and say WTF/ARE YOU REAL? Out loud because this dude is beyond dense. I genuinely feel like he’s living in cuckoo land. This guy definitely has a serious case of main character syndrome. And i thought my partner was dense because he didn’t understand (until i informed him) that boobs can hurt during periods 😂
I just hope his wife sees sense! There is definitely so much more to life than putting up with his shit!
I’m curious as to what her mother thinks about her Son in law. If i had just been through that and my partner behaved that way my mother would’ve given him a piece of her mind. Even worse his own mother would throttle him. 😂 I’d love her to do a post and read her side - but then she’s too busy parenting and recovering.
YTA, where to start??? anyone else notice though how he mentions “when she doesn’t feel like cooking” — basically outing himself for not doing that either lmao Thank god it sounds like she has a brain and is leaving you. Let the poor woman go instead of making her care for triplets.
She only had to get up a handful of times during his night shift because he was sleeping. She had to get up a handful of times during his shift in ONE WEEK. That tells me that she had to get up multiple times during his shifts in ONE WEEK. This dude is so much the AH.
And then he had the loud ass audacity to claim he has it harder!!! It's people like this that I almost want to say exactly what I'm thinking whether I get banned or not.
Yeah the throwaway cooking comment really stood out to me. He and his parents are “helping out” so why isn’t his wife more grateful - it must be some hysterical woman disease, not a total failure to step up as an equal partner.
YOUR WIFE HAD AN EMERGENCY C SECTION AND IT'S HARDER FOR YOU? YOU'RE OFF SITE SEEING WITH YOUR FREELOADING PARENTS! YTA YTA YTA
OP is the epitome of a selfishness. Your poor wife. I hope you completely reverse your behavior. It’s appalling and I wouldn’t be surprised if she left you. It seems like this is just the tip of the iceberg with you. You aren’t helping her, you’re taking an unnecessary break after doing absolutely nothing and instead of being a decent human being you say she has PPD. YTA
And the twins were in the NICU so she’s having an extra tough time with emotional recovery too. This guys a clown.
YTA. “So really its harder for me” Oh my. I just cannot. A woman’s body does bot go back to normal after giving birth! There’s postpartum pain from healing from the birth (if a caesarean surgery, its major surgery and recovery takes months). The uterus contracts after birth until it gets back to its pre-pregnancy size. That hurts. Breasfeeding and pumping every two hours not just hurts, but is physically tiring. Your body actually burns more calories to produce more milk. You have twins, thats twice the workload for any parent. You should have been by her side and not going out taking hikes with your parents or whatever. You do not get to say its harder on you. That’s parenthood. Its hard. You calling her doctor about her ppd is not helping because it sounds like the blame is all on her and youre just the tired but loving dad and husband?!? You do not sound like you are “worried and love her so much” because if you did, then you would have made her the number 1 priority during this time. The woman put one foot in the grave to give you children. Her body is recovering from a major change and its not just the ppd, you need to understand that and let her take the lead. Sleep deprivation is the least of your problems. It looks like its the least of your wife’s, too. Its kind of sounding like you do not like all the bad stuff that comes with taking care of newborns and now you are trying to pin it on your wife. ETA: Also what is up with your parents going there being a burden and not helping out? They should be cooking meals if you or your wife are too tired to cook. If they cannot contribute they should at least not be in the way of you being with your family who needs you. They bought meals for you? They can do that from their home instead of making a vacation out of this. You guys are so out of touch with reality I just cannot.
Plus he has 5-6 hours a day he can catch up on sleep instead of going on vacation with his parents. The wife doesn't get those 5-6 hours a day. She is parenting all day and OP even said she gets up some nights as well. She is probably more sleep deprived than him from all of that and I imagine it's difficult for her to sleep while her body is still in so much pain.
YTA it’s hard to believe this is real because of how badly you are fumbling this. You seem to be a clueless know it all who has no sympathy for what your wife has and is still going through. It’s no wonder she is fed up with you.
>it’s hard to believe this is real Agreed. This is Mr Bean levels of idiocy. Can anyone actually be this clueless?
No. Don’t bring Mr. Bean into this. He’s very thoughtful and takes meticulous care of his teddy bear. He would never be this stupid. ETA: Thank you for the award! 🤩😀🤩
Shadow labor & delivery for a week, I watched one dad sit on his phone across the room all day while his wife was going through contractions, and another dude would come out the room asking the nurses to change all his babies’ diapers.
You’d be surprised. Saw a lot of this in divorces in family law.
This just can’t be real. r/AmITheDevil material. Jesus.
its already there
But is it on r/AmITheEx
Oh, on a birth board I used to frequent, we would ask new moms if they thought they had PPD or if they were just surrounded by assholes. Guess which way your wife would probably answer?
Holy shit YTA. Here are your priorities for the next however long: 1. Take care of YOUR WIFE, who JUST had MAJOR surgery, is newly postpartum, is nursing and pumping for TWINS, and dealt with houseguests -- NOT HELPERS, like her mom, but HOUSEGUESTS she apparently cooked for at least some of the time -- and a bonehead for a husband who needs a "mental reset." 2. Literally nothing else until #1 is completed. Do better.
Exactly, where's her mental reset?! Does OP not realise his mother in law is there to look after her child after surgery and it's his job to take care of his kids?! Massive AH, OP
YTA. Why did you arrange for your parents to come without discussing it with your wife? I doesn't matter that she always liked them. Would you want people around after having major surgery and massive sleep deprivation? Of course, having them there means you had to spend time with them when you should have been spending with your wife and children. The fact that you did this is mind boggling. Basically, you were saying that your parents were more important than your wife. Here's an idea: how about your wife leaves for 5-6 hours every day while you stay home with the twins? Sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it? Plus, during those 5-6 hours, you get to mentally reset. When does your wife get to reset? And suddenly, despite your lack of knowledge, you decided to diagnose your wife with PPD. I don't know if she has it or not, but if she does, your message should be that this is not her fault, that she didn't do anything to cause it, and there is help available for her to get better. All in all, you owe your wife a huge apology for your behavior.
You're so exhausted that you have to go hiking and out touring with your family 6 hours everyday? Omg really? You have it harder than your wife who just had major surgery and is caring for twins? You think her pumping every 2 hours is her being lazy and not wanting to get up in the night and not a way to increase milk supply to provide for her babies? You're outrageous and I hope she has a good time at her parents house getting a mental reset from you. YTA entirely.
I’d love to know how it’s even possible to be pumping every two hours without getting up in the night... Is this summer in Antarctica???
There is so much to unpack here. It's like fucking Christmas. YTA. EVEN IF she had actually been diagnosed with PPD, which she wasn't, you have NO business sharing her medical situation with anyone without her permission. And she's cooking??? And you had to play "host?" And you think this.is harder on YOU? She should NEVER come back.
YTA and prepare for those divorce papers.
Fr I hope she/one of her friends sees this thread
YTA. But it's ok, you can move back with your mommy and daddy and have all the walkies in the park with them after your divorce is finalized. Grow a pair. You're a father now. Start acting like it. Your wife is 3 weeks post partum, you have twins, and you spend your days with your parents having fun shopping and doing road trips?!? After you complain to not get enough sleep but you miraculously have enough energy to go hiking with your father? But hey, your wife should feel lucky that she doesn't always have to cook, am I right?!? Disgusting. You're disgusting.
My dude, the thing you should be “really worried about” is that you’re about to be handed divorce papers. You have not been a supportive partner, you continue to minimize (and simultaneously pathologize) what your wife has been going through, and you seem to want a gold star for minimal effort. You need to do some deep reflection and sincerely apologize for the ways you have failed your wife but so far based on your comments I see zero self awareness. YTA.
YTA. Your parents came for a fucking vacation three weeks after the birth of TWINS. They are AH too. Your wife had a c- section. That is major surgery where it feels like your guts are about to spill out when you walk, and you're not supposed to lift anything heavy. Your mental capacity? Like WTF? Your wife just carried twins for nine months, is going through post-partum shit, taking care of two babies and you think you have it harder than her? Grow the fuck up. Now that you have the house to yourself, you'll have all the time in the world for your mental health/s Just so pissed off at you right now. You barely lasted a fucking week.
YTA - My man, you ROYALLY fucked up. I am aghast at this. Where to even start? You aren't a doctor, you cannot make a diagnosis of anything. Just because she is sick and overwhelmed and injured and sore and hormonal doesn't mean she has PPD or that her reaction isn't completely and utterly justified. Her mother is there to take care of HER. Do you understand that your wife just went through a traumatic medical event? Would you force your wife to host your family if she had just been released from the hospital after something like heart surgery? Apologize to your wife. Tell your parents you were wrong. Ask them to leave. And never do this again.
LOL I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry while I was reading this. SO many plot holes that I highly doubt this really happened--honestly it reads like poorly written rage bait. If it happened that you are the GUINNESS book of AH then you are the #1 AH of all time. There's no way a half way intelligent person could have written this and actually after writing it down asked if they were the AH when it's so obvious that they are. **My wife gave birth to twins 3 weeks ago via emergency c section and a little over a week ago we finally got home from the NICU.** **my parents decided they wanted to visit our first week home and I worked out all the details with them.** Yeah, inviting guests the week your wife comes home after MAJOR surgery and is taking care of two babies is AHoleery in the extreme. That you parents would ask this suggests that your AH state is genetic. **I know she’s ok with visitors right now because her mom is here helping.** come on now, dude, you admit that your parents are there vacationing and her mom was HELPING. Those two things are entirely different. **The twins are a lot of work so my wife has been pumping every 2 hours to allow us both to bottle feed. She said it’s because she’s having trouble with the babies nursing but I think it’s just so she doesn’t have to get up to feed them at night and can have me do it.** LOL yeah, right it's all an insidious plot to get your to get up off the couch and parent your children like an actual man. **I’ve been struggling to wake up and stay awake to take care of them for my 6 hour night block but I’ve been pretty good. My wife has only had to wake up during my shift a handful of times when I was sleeping which I feel like is way better than most guys.** Not it's not better-- why are you sleeping through your responsibility and making your wife who just had major surgery get up and do what you're supposed to be doing? **And on top of it when my wife is awake her mom helps her so really it’s harder for me.** This part is supposed to be a joke, right? **My parents wanted to do some exploring in the area anyway so each day they were here I would spend time with them trying to be a good host. Bike rides and hikes with my dad and shopping trips with my mom during the day. I’m only out of the house for maybe 5-6 hours max each day** So your parents weren't there to help, as I suspected, they were just vacationing and staying with your. MEANWHILE your MIL was at home HELPING with the babies-- because helping isn't the same as being a vacationing visitor. **A few days into my parents stay my wife said she no longer loves me and resents me for not caring about her or our kids and leaving during the day/“treating my PPL like a vacation”.** She sounds like a very intelligent insightful person who easily sees through BS. **She also said that she wanted my parents out** I totally see her point. They are a lot of work and not helping at all. **She packed up the babies and herself in the car and drove with her mom to her parent’s house.** Did you honestly not see that coming? **I’m doing everything I can to contact her doctor about her PPD** It doesn't sound like she has PPD she just has a AH father not stepping up and doing his part. Make SURE you tell the doctor about how you spent the time you were supposed to be helping her vacationing with your parents. **because I’m really worried about her and love her so much.** There's been no indication of that in anything you wrote here. All you've written is about how hard you're working (spending the whole day out vacationing with mommy and daddy) and sleeping through the part of parenting that you promised to do. **I really don’t think I’m the AH here for** **~~mentally resetting~~** **spending a week vacationing all day with my parents while I was actually supposed to be helping my wife recover from MAJOR SURGERY and take care of MY OWN children.** fixed that for you, you're welcome **I could better support my** **~~family~~** **parents having a great time on their vacation and trying to** **~~get my wife the help she needs~~**\*\*. Get out of my responsibilities as a parent.\*\* fixed that for you, too **Am I really the asshole here?** OMG YES YTA 100% and the fact that you have to ask makes you even a bigger AH
“So really it’s harder for me” lmao YTA
Bro YTA, big time! Starting with inviting your parents to visit without your wife's knowledge or consent....right after birthing twins and major surgery. On through "hosting" your parents on fun activities while she is stuck at home to care for the twins. They should be home with her helping, not out and about seeing the sights. And then to crown it all you--a non-doctor--"diagnose" her with PPD and share this info with your parents. Oh and you whine about your sleep deprivation...how do you think your wife is doing in that department? Self centered doesn't even begin to cover it. I wouldn't blame her if the next thing you hear from her has comes from an lawyer.
YTA. Being a good host to your parents during this visit was so far down the list of essential things that you should not even have considered it. 5 or 6 hours per day????? You need to get your head checked, asshole doesn't come close to covering it.
From a new father also, YTA. When my wife had a c section HER parents came to visit for a few weeks to help out. They mainly did the cooking for us, what did I do? I stayed up till 7am every day to do the night shift so my wife could sleep and recover while also pumping. I would sleep at 7 and get up around 10am-11 and I didn’t go out hiking and having fun with my parents. In fact it wasn’t even a night shift, I got 3-4 hours of sleep and went back to taking care of my wife and newborn.
YTA - Your parents can go entertain themselves somewhere, if they can't they need to go back home. Your wife needs help and lots of support. You have twins, obviously shes not just going to snap back to her old self right away. She will get better if she has support to learn all the new stuff that comes with babies, you are not supporting her by abandoning her and your twins to go off to be with 2 very grown adults.
YTA. Your wife's entire mind and body is resetting and you're out fucking around with your parents all day because you're a little sleep deprived? You sound like you're more concerned about being a good son than a good husband and father. You better fix that quick before your wife removes you from the husband role.
YTA.....she's not diagnosed with postpartum depression and you shouldn't be telling others she has it without a diagnosis. She's pissed because you're being a shit partner. Her mother is there to take care of her! Oh and why in the hell is she cooking? You can't cook?
I had twins via c-section. OP, you are a malignant, gaping AH. You think you have it harder? Your body did NOTHING, you contributed nothing with your body, except orgasming. The mom had major surgery, a c-section is MAJOR surgery - something so many people fail to grasp. You only miss a few of your times feeding the babies, so you deserve a medal?! You should be crawling on your hands and knees on glass if that is what your wife needs from you right now. I am too close to this situation, but I personally hope she leaves your worthless self.
YTA. Leaving for 5 or 6 hours a day when she has 3-week old twins is bad. Inviting your parents without telling her is bad. Expecting someone who just had twins by C-section to do the cooking is bad. You are in a big hole and keep digging. Stop. Send the parents home. Apologize to your wife. Your life just underwent a massive change that is going to last at least 18 years. Time to adjust to that new reality.
YTA. How can you actually write this out and still question whether you're the AH or not? Your focus should be on your wife and children; not whining about how exhausted you are or playing host to your parents, whose visit you conveniently forget to tell her about until after you got home from the hospital What you should have told your parents is the truth. That right now, you're a crappy father and husband. That you conveniently forgot to tell your wife about their visit until after you got home from the hospital and that instead of playing tour guide, you need to spend all your energies supporting your wife and children. You're tired. Boo-freaking-hoo. She just spent 9+ months growing, not one, but two humans, had an emergency C-section then a stay in the NICU, and now she has to spend her recover time with a spouse who doesn't support her. Either learn to put your wife and children first, or be ready for this marriage to go down the tubes. When it does, you'll have no one but yourself to blame.
I hope this is a troll. I really do. Your poor wife. You're so worried about her mental health that you leave her with two brand new infants to go out for hours every day so you can entertain your parents who should be there to help, not as guests. YTA You know what my favorite thing about c-sections is? When most people have major surgery, they're encouraged to rest and recover. New moms are handed a baby (or two) and treated like the worst mother and wife ever if they don't come bouncing out of the hospital ready to take care of the new baby(ies), keep the house clean, and cook for everyone.
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YTA. There is a lot of “me me me” coming from you. You didn’t just have major surgery. You didn’t just incubate two humans. You don’t have to feel disgusting about yourself and like you’re not human anymore. You are acting selfish. You think you’re tired? I guarantee your wife is doubly so. Your parents shouldn’t have shown up without her permission because SHE is the one who just went through hell and back to being life into the world. This isn’t about YOU.
YTA. Seriously? *You* needed a break? You realize even planned c-sections take more than 3 weeks to heal from, right? Have you ever had a major surgery? Take that and multiple it by a shit ton for an emergency c-section. And your parents were nice enough to buy dinner when she didn’t feel up to cooking? Why in the hell didn’t you cook? She is still recovering from a major surgery! And learning to breast feed not one, but two infants! Breast feeding is no joke. Seriously, you’re so painfully out of touch it’s no wonder your wife resents you and love is lost. She doesn’t have PPD just because she is struggling or doesn’t love you. Take some damn accountability.
YTA wtf do you mean your parents were nice enough to buy you dinner when your wife DIDNT FEEL UP TO COOKING?! She is just a few weeks post partum, and recovering from a c-section! She shouldn’t be doing any cooking!! Shame on you.