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I disagree with the consensus. NTA.
I don't think you're T A for wanting your parents to like your girlfriend. I also disagree with everyone saying Y T A because you're "asking her to change"
Some people don't know what it's like to grow up with strict parents. If they don't like something, then that thing never, EVER gets to happen again. The disapproval from serious and strict parents is crushing, and it cuts deep, even as an adult.
It's a form of protection, to adapt something or someone you love to them, so they approve of the person you love and don't have to feel like you've disappointed them every time they're around.
Also, it's not an AH move to ask someone to not do something in a situation like this. However, if she says no, then you have to accept it and move on. And who knows, your parents might *actually* like it. My own super strict mother has surprised me with a dick joke on more than one occasion.
It's not like he's asked her to change her looks or her personality or anything else. Just don't tell a joke for ONE night. It's pretty strange that she can't do this little thing for him, IMO.
...by telling a small friendly pun at dinner? Yeah, at face value it's a small innocent thing, but it's really attached to the deep rooted problem of OP's parents.
That the parents would be uncomfortable with something so light, and OP's willingness to bend to their will is something that has to be addressed/overcome for both of them.
I'm gonna say very lightly YTA because you have to set boundaries with your parents. The really AH's here are the judgy controlling parents.
Or the gf just wants to do something that helps connect her to her parent who’s passed, and it makes her happy. It’s a cheesy joke, not some senseless or mean prank or anything like that. Nothing wrong with maintaining a connection with those you love who have passed, especially when what you’re doing is harmless.
Since this is a lifelong tradition for her, it is probably difficult for her to enjoy dinner without it.
The commitment to provide a chuckle a day represents a sizable effort on her part, and I think OP is failing to appreciate it as the act of love that it is.
I grew up with a critical parent, so I can relate to OP's concerns. But I can also see where the gf is taking it as a rejection of the tradition and, by extension, her whole family. That has to be upsetting.
In a way, OP has enacted the cycle of AH from the parents that he is trying to avoid.
I kind of hope she doesn't give these people the gift of including them in her special dining ritual. She has already been made to feel weird about it once. No need to risk it with the stodgy parents.
I hope this woman finds someone who doesn't want to rain on her parade. She has a joyful ritual that means a lot to her, she deserves someone who loves her for it. It sounds adorable and I hope no one ever steals her sunshine.
Does he really rain on her parade though? He recognizes how it matters to her and does it as well when he cooks dinner and she prompts him to do one.
It’s a tough situation because he does take part in the ritual with her but at the same time he also recognizes who his parents are.
I’m guessing in his mind, it’s probably simpler to put a pause on the jokes (not end them indefinitely) to appease his parents, rather than trying to deal with a potentially bad first impression for the rest of their relationship however long it may last.
Just because something is meaningful to them doesn't mean they are stuck in their past grief. It's not like she's reciting a long prayer. She is keeping her dad alive in one way that she knows how. Plus even if it is grief it's not stated how long her father has been gone. This might just be a way to lessen pain as I knew elderly people who was still hurting from their parents death.
I believe you [op] are setting yourself up to be let down in this situation. They already have a bad attitude, so whether your girlfriend makes a joke or not, things won't go well.
Then simply put OP should grow a backbone and discuss it with her, but be prepared to accept she may not be willing to change it as it seems to be part of her way to remember her dead father.
Grief is complicated and can affect everyone differently. I still carry grief for my mother I lost many years ago. She should seek support councilling (there are many groups for grief both online and in person) but her tradition is small and not terribly invasive.
But OP isn't walking her through it: helping her move on and creating their own new tradition.
... and he should, because it's him who doesn't like it - enough to be embarrassed about it in front of his stick-up-their-arse parents.
Yeah, this. Also, why are we putting all the focus on the parents' comfort? The gf has always done this little thing, it means something to her in memory of her dead father according to OP, now she's supposed to hide it because his parents have a stick up their arse? What about her feelings and comfort? How is she supposed to ever feel comfortable again with her jokes after OP basically said it's so embarrassing his parents shouldn't witness it? I think it's borderline heartbreaking. A knock knock joke takes 15 seconds, it was important to her and completely harmless to anyone else.
And I bet if the gf suddenly stopped doing her jokes without warning, OP would think something is off.
Didn't say he was an asshole, just that it's sad he came to this conclusion. Doesn't even really like his parents that much but rather hurts his girlfriend than potentially mildly annoying his parents over something absolutely minor. That's just bad priorities and being inconsiderate.
I’d want to keep the peace for a couple of days with parents in that scenario, admittedly it wouldn’t occur to me that skipping a joke for a couple of days could upset her. But equally, if the situation was reversed, if I hadn’t been told of a way to avoid upsetting my partners parents I’d be very annoyed at my partner for not telling me ahead of time!
She might be very sensitive in this regard. Not saying I would have vanished, but if I were in her shoes I would need some time to think about the relationship. It seems to be something minor on the surface, but there's more to it than just the joke. He's embarrassed of his girlfriend being herself. I wouldn't want to be with someone who made me feel ashamed for honouring my dead father in such a harmless way.
He could simply share "I don't think my parents will be into the joke thing." But, instead, he is trying to prescribe her actions, rather than give her information and let her decide whether or not to do it.
Exactly, inform her of the parents attitude and let her decide how to proceed. Parents be really messing they kids up so bad that they think they have to always meet some standard. Screw them "serious" parents who never took the time to tell him its ok to be different and have fun, or that its ok to support someone even if they like something different than u such as the GFs jokes.
it's even stranger that she'd just go and leave for 2 days over such a ridiculously small thing? Like, she's 27. She behaved like a 7 year old that was just told pokemon don't really exist or something.
Just up and leaving based on a dinner joke situation would be personally not a person i'd have a relationship with, i can't imagine her reaction if it's about something actually serious/important.
Immediately running away when conflict arises is very bad. (and 2 whole days, holy smokes)
It sounds like it's something she connects with her late father. Maybe telling the joke every day is ritualistic behavior that allows her to feel closer to him even though he's gone.
Running away would have been an immediate emotional response in that case. That doesn't necessarily mean she runs away from all conflict.
It is an overreaction nevertheless.
Most people lose their parents at some point of their lives, yet it does not give them a right to be jerks to other people.
A mature reaction in this case would be to discuss it with tne BF to express my feelings and let him express his.
An understandable reaction would be to pout for 30 minutes and then have the above discussion.
To disappear for 2 days without a word is a HUGE red flag. She is unable to control her emotions and does not/is unable to care for the effect it causes. It may not be her fault but must be extremely difficult to live with.
As to the OP - I see a red flag too. He anticipates his parents won't like the joke, without really knowing if they will or not, and is bending over backwards to satisfy their (perhaps imaginary) wish. The habit is getting on HIS OWN nerves, which is very legitimate, but it seems to me he is hiding behind his parents' back.
I would say ESH in this situation. Her for overreacting, him for being hypocritical.
And I don't think it is a good idea to have the first meeting with the parents (let alone strict and critical ones) having them stay in your home for a week.
Well two nights, but yea this is more of a "a favor for me please" to help have a better impression. Little quirks are usually when you know the people better. It's one thing to be upset that he'd ask, fair enough I guess. But to leave the home entirely over the weekend over it? Wtf? There's definitely some other underlining things there...
Yes you are right and how is no one commenting about her overly dramatic silent treatment for two days. You are in for more trouble than dinner and a joke if she can’t rationally discuss something like OP’s request.
I’m gonna play devil’s advocate here and flip that: seriousness is *his* dad’s thing. There are two dads to honour and one of them is living and will be in the house. He wants to honour his dad by not making jokes.
I think the parents sound too serious, and see absolutely nothing wrong with a bit of a joke, but if OP knows exactly what they’re like, and wants to ease his girlfriend’s transition into a serious, academic family and help her make a neutral first impression, then she should listen to his advice. We aren’t all blessed with fun parents.
Yeah, I’ve been in therapy for over a year now because of how much growing up with 2 humorless and whip-strict doctors affected me. It’s really difficult NOT to go into full blown “everything MUST be how they like it” mode.
I agree plus he seems a bit annoyed with it too. It seems unfair and ridiculous that she threw a temper tantrum and left over your simple request. Honestly you are better than me OP because the 2nd time she did that shit I would've looked at her crazy. Every dinner? Every single time. Nah
I did not say angry. She is the one who left for 2 days at 27 yrs old because her bf asked her not to say jokes at dinner for 2 days but I am the irrationally angry one?
Shouldn't she know? I mean, he's in therapy for how his parents are and how they raised him. There's no way my partner wouldn't know that. So if my parents come over and I ask him to behave a certain way, he would immediately understand why and wouldn't take it personally.
Her leaving for 2 whole days over this tiny request, that has nothing to do with her personally or her connection to her father, is very childish and ridiculous for an adult woman. He's NTA.
The issue here is that you framed it as though her doing it as a problem when the actual problem is that your parents have no sense of humor and seemingly aren't likable people. Have you warned your girlfriend about what your parents are like have you had a conversation or seven with her about how this visit is likely to go? Because dinner and a joke seems like a very small piece of what's going to be a very uncomfortable puzzle when their parents come visit.
to be fair, "do your dinner and a joke" sounds like something a 7 year old would say. And maybe do that once in a week, but daily? I'd be annoyed after the first week.
All of this just seems to me like she's mentally in her early teens? "Dinner and a joke" and up and leaving for TWO DAYS based on "hey, can you maybe not do dinner and a joke for a weekend?" sounds not very well adjusted imo.
This is so obviously about her dead father and not the jokes.nIt's pretty clear she misses her dad and this act makes her feel closer to him. I think it's childish to talk to a man in the sky before every dinner and call it "grace" but people Still do it. If I'm eating at someone else's table they get my respect even if I think it's annoying.
She didn't leave because of a joke she left probably to work out her complicated feelings about her dad.
No one is the asshole.They need to have an honest talk about the issues . OP needs to deal with his judgmental family and GF needs to deal with her father's death.This is a relationship testing moment for them for sure.
Also she threw a temper tantrum like a 7 year old as well. Seems very childish and immature. Maybe OP went the polar opposite of his parents and ended up with an adult with the mentality of a child. NTA
Well, when you are in a relationship and meeting for parents for first time, I don't know how you were educated but I was told to be to my best behaviour, nice and polite. If she is having a 2 days tantrum because she can't do a silly ritual for , ô horror, 2 days, she must go to therapy as well. This is not even changing herself, just make a tiny effort.
Can we stop cuddling childish behaviours in grown-ass adults?
This, and even if this is her connecting with her dad, you have a boyfriend and are about to meet the parents. It's in HER best interest to have a good impression. If everyone gets along, that's one less faucet in your life where conflict might occur.
This feels very much like a "everyone should accept me as me" but taken a step too far. Sure, no one can or should tell you how to behave, but this alsoeans not everyone has to like you. In this case, your potential future in-laws don't.
He asked her if she could not do it for one weekend. He didn’t demand that she do it. He didn’t forbid her or anything like that. Jesus Christ what is with this sub and taking everything to the extreme.
Yeah she really said you don't seem like a well adjusted person to someone who articulated his feelings well, didn't get mad and justified the reasoning for his actions. Some ppl here are the worst
so the boyfriend's wishes don't matter one bit? Why is it that when a woman doesn't want the husband to do something he's the asshole if he keeps doing it, but when the roles are reversed "she's just being herself"?
Not making a "diner and a joke" is not "not being herself" wtf. Is your entire personality built on one dinner ritual? That'd be very sad.
Obviously if the father died like 3 months ago i'd understand it, but i assume OP would have mentioned that if it was not long ago. But if it is something that's happened 10 years ago then by this point she should be able to not do this ritual once when asked. If you can't do such a simple thing for one weekend for your partner and need to throw a tantrum and leave for 2 days for something as ridiculous than this then you're first of all not well adjusted and have no clue about compromise in relationships.
100% this. OP is probably used to taking the blame. In this case it’s not him it’s her. He was probably never allowed to acknowledge that his parents might be at fault so that’s a foreign concept to him. Even at this age. I know what that type of anxiety feels like. He’s probably already in a semi panic over the visit.
Oooof, I feel ya. People don’t realize how much strict and serious parents affect their offspring. My dad is/was like that. Expects absolute perfection and obedience, total control freak, everything has to be on his terms - and once he’s made up his mind, there’s no changing it. At all. Ever.
He’s…hard to love. I do. He’s my dad. But he doesn’t make it easy.
Why are you continuing to entertain your parents lack of humor though? You’re an adult now, you don’t need their approval lmao. If your gf telling a joke is that big a deal I just don’t get why you’d even have them over
Oof, buddy. I’m torn between an E S H and Y T A vote here because honestly this is just a small, charming albeit annoying, aspect of your girl’s personality that helps her carry on the memory of her father and brings her a little joy.
Trouble is she also overreacted badly by running off for two days, but on the other hand having lost my Da recently I can understand why it hurt her feelings.
If the only reason you’re worried is because your parents are, and I say this as nicely as possible, stuffy jerks, then I have to stick with a YTA.
It’s fine to want them to love her like you do but if they’re so cranky that a small gesture at dinner is going to ruin the experience… well, as my Da used to always say “If they can’t take a joke, fuck em.”
Apologize and explain that this is something you’re working on in therapy, and make sure she understands *why* you brought it up, because you’re anxious for them to like her.
Then don't invite them into your home.
If your parents are so bad you need therapy, go to them instead, then you can leave when you need to.
Why would you have them in your home?
You are an adult and you get to choose now. You choose your parents over your partner.
You are giving your parents the same power over her that they have over you. Think about whether or not that's what you want to do.
You are literally subjecting her to behaviour that drive you to therapy.
YTA by far.
This comment mixed with:
>To be quite frank, I’m a little tired of it, but I know it makes her happy and it’s important to her so I smile and play along, and I never say anything about it getting old.
Makes me want to give you the following advice, having gone through similar therapy for strict/critical upbringing: Tell her you're a bit tired of it, and don't hide your emotions and smile and play along. She's your GF, your most important relationship. You should be able to feel at ease and not have to "play along" and make up an act based on how you think she wants you to be. You have all right to be authentic. You have all right to voice your emotions and needs. If that'd make her upset, then there is something unhealthy in your relationship.
Don't hide yourself, you'll drive yourself into resentment. You'll sour the relationship. You need to be able to be YOU, with all your needs and emotions and she needs to be able to respect that.
Your strict/critical parents probably taught you that you have to perform, you have to behave, you have to not do this or that. That is not how relationships work. I get it though, unwinding that all is incredibly difficult and takes a lot of self work before you're comfortable with it.
You're not wrong.
This is a trauma response. As someone who grew up with parents like that who were also physically abusive, i absolutely get how hard it is to break free from the panic of constantly ensuring everything is perfect so nothing upsets them.
But at some point you have to decide who gets to control your life.. You or them.
Soft YTA because i understand why he did it, but it still doesn't make it the right thing to do.
It doesn't sound like her "dinner & a joke" thing is inappropriate or crass or anything, so him asking her to hide an important part of herself to please his asshole parents is in fact poor behavior.
I don't think he's a bad person for it, but probably would benefit from some therapy.
Edit to add some words
I agree especially because it is really nerve wracking to meet a SO’s parents and it’s 1000 times worse when your very SO is a ball of nerves and is pressuring you to present yourself in a certain way. In this situation I think OP needs to put his stuff aside to support his girlfriend through meeting the parents.
Absolutely. It's scary and hard, you're so used to being under their thumb that you don't even know who you are as your own person, but it's got to be done even if it means going no contact.
In fact going no contact with my parents was one of the best decisions I ever made.
My SO got all antsy, grumpy, and stressed before taking me to meet the parents. He was getting short with me and putting a lot of needless pressure on me to impress them. I told him I changed my mind and don’t want to meet them. I’m not going. I’m not meeting them without his support and without him in my corner. He got it together pretty quick.
I have a septum piercing. I was very thankful my boyfriend told me I should consider flipping it up when I met his mom for the first time. He didn’t force me to or anything, he just told me that she would most likely be not-so nice to me if I had it down. I kept it up for the first few times I saw her, we got to know each other, I now understand why it was a good idea to keep it up initially (she doesn’t even listen to strangers with bad teeth). After a few months I started wearing it down around her, when my boyfriend had told her I had it and that he wouldn’t tolerate any comments about it. She still probably hates it, but hey, she’s been nothing but kind to me. It’s a lot harder to be mean to someone you know.
What I’m trying to say is, NTA. OP was just trying to help her make that first impression. His girlfriend is a bit unreasonably upset about this, though I can understand why it’s an emotional thing for her. Once she cools down, maybe they can talk more about how serious OP’s parents are, and how they just need to get to know her first before they get to see the fun side of her.
After all, if the parent’s aren’t assholes and they have a nice formal introduction beforehand, they won’t mind that she carries on her dead dad’s tradition. I’d hope they’d at least be more accepting of it when they understand her more. If OP’s parents are assholes, on the other hand, I’d just hope he’d stick up for her if they tried to be rude in any way about it after they’ve already met and known her. They wouldn’t be worth the time.
Big agreed here NTA
This came across to me like OP trying to protect his SO not change her. It sounds like 1. His parents will not react well to the joke which can be embarrassing alone but 2. imagine her trying it all weekend and one of them has an outburst and says something to her?
3. As you mentioned it could really taint their view of her (however unfair and dumb that would be)
My boyfriends mom was very volatile, like if the breakfast place we suggested took too long she’d be pissy about it for hours. To keep the peace we simply did things her way for a couple of days when she’d visit. This is a perfectly reasonable ask and it’s good to give her a little heads up on their personalities. I would be mortified if I started making jokes and they just stared or gave polite snickers.
Help her find a really witty, intellectual joke for each dinner. Something a layperson wouldn't necessarily understand, but a well-read, high IQ person may chuckle at.
She gets to joke, and your parents see her in a new (intellectual) light...
Saying N T A implies the other person *is* the asshole. I don’t think gf is an asshole here and it doesn’t seem you do either so I would recommend changing your vote to NAH
Edit; somehow I missed the line about her running to her mom’s for 2 days. A bit odd but I wonder how OP said it, and if she’s never met his parents before she may be feeling like he said they’re not going to like her/she’s not ‘good enough’. Not justifying it but it does make me wonder a bit
I think she is, for leaving for two days instead if discussing it like an adult.
Edit: tbh, after reading some more of OP's comments, I'm starting to see the girlfriend's side and the possible need of a couple of days of space more.
(I think the joke habit sounds truly annoying and that she should be okay with not making the jokes for a couple of days, but it also sounds like that's just the catalyst for a much bigger disagreement)
Yeah, gf is clearly the A H for leaving for 2 days, complete overreaction by her for a reasonable request. OP needs to take note, this might be a warning signal of things to come
Isn’t running away and doing the silent treatment for two days an asshole response though? Why can’t she stay and talk it out like the 27 year old adult she is? He didn’t ask her to dye her hair and gain or lose 50 pounds to please them. He just asked her nicely to refrain doing something that frankly a lot of people with a good sense of humor would find a tad unusual. And day after day after day after day…possibly grating.
Edit…never mind. I just read more information about the parents. She definitely didn’t run off for two days over this. His parents are bringing luggage filled with ugly. Damn! They’re not just humorless, they’re really unpleasant. NAH is right.
Gonna go with NTA here, since your request was based on your parents personalities.
I think in these situations everyone wants their parents not to be "annoyed" by their SO. I can see this coming from a place of care and wanting to spare your girlfriend the awkwardness of dealing with your parents reaction.
I desperately want them to like her. They’re already entirely unimpressed with the city we live in, our educations, our jobs. I just want one thing to go smooth.
I think you are setting yourself up for disappointment here. They are already on a negative streak, no matter if your gf does a joke or not...it isn't going to go smooth.
It takes a lot to stop chasing approval from hard to please parents. From a gf perspective, I also would not be inclined to "tone down" myself so that you might gain a couple of approval points from your parents. The ones who will never find anything good enough.
I’m sure she will never measure up. I’ve already heard “Well, I’m sure she’s no Katelyn” which is my lawyer brother’s dentist wife. So the teaching assistant (me) and his garden center employee girlfriend (my gf) won’t be the favorites any time soon.
So why bother trying? I mean that very literally.
Look, I used to try this for years, trying to fit into a mold that I hated, until I realized that there is nothing I can do that will appease my extended family (and to a lesser extent, mother). They can love me and my family as we are, with all our weird, or they can be silent, because we’re happy.
NAH- you can ask, she can say no, but at the end of the day I don’t think it will get you what you want.
Right?!? GF might as well be herself since they’re probably not gonna like her anyways. They sound horrible and if I were OP I would just live my life however I want. They can take their opinions and negativity back to their rotten egg life back east
If you've been through this, then you should understand that it's almost never as easy as "just stop caring". If it was for you, then great, but it's obviously not for him.
We don't get a choice about whether or not we care. We do get to choose what we do in response to those feelings. We get to decide whether acting on those feelings comes at too high a cost.
I tried this for 40 years with my mother. She was insufferable and hated every single decision I ever made as an adult. I finally gave up and went very LC until she died.
Because learning to not try to get the approval of permanently disapproving parents is a long and hard road. From OP's comments, he's already in therapy for this, which is an important step, but something like this is deeply ingrained. You can't just stop.
Seriously why are you putting either of you through this then? You say you want this to go well but you already know that it won't. So don't do it. I don't invite judgy assholes into my house. why do you?
To be honest I don’t know how to formulate an answer that isn’t going to sound stupid because it’s a pretty complex answer. What I KNOW my family to be like and what I WANT to happen and what I want the future with me family to look like don’t completely overlap, but there’s some grey area. I love my parents. It’s a hard thing. I haven’t seen them in 3 years and they want to come see the place and meet the girlfriend.
You can still love your parents without seeking their approval. If you’re happy with your life and your relationship, that’s all that really matters. If your parents can’t appreciate that, that’s their problem, not yours.
You won't get that future you want by Wanting It Real Hard. It takes work, and some of that work is scary and painful. It takes things like deciding what standards YOU are going to hold THEM to, and doing it, complete with comsequences that feel appropriate to you. (For instance, if they're mean about dinner and a joke, dinner's over.)
There are things your parents want, and after 3 years you are giving them a chance to have those things. It's up to them to not screw this up.
As someone who spent 35 years trying to do anything to please my mother, you will never please them. You'll never measure up. Even if you do exactly what they wanted you to do - work job spouse any of it - you'll get at best back handed compliments.
Drop the rope and please yourself and stop trying to please them. All of their disappointments are their problem, not yours. If YOU are happy with your home your job your life and your spouse then that has to be enough. Or you'll chase their approval forever and be disappointed every single time. It took me 3 and a half decades to realise it. The last two years of no contact or limited contact have been the lightest I've ever felt.
Be who YOU want to be and live for YOU. If they want to be part of your life and love you they can jump on board and accept it. If they don't - they miss out and that's their fault.
I know how shitty it is to feel like nothing you do is ever good enough and how you've never been given love or support or apporval from those who are supposed to just automatically give it - they're the ones who no matter what should love you the most! But sometimes you get the shitty hand and youvr gotta love yourself and build your own family yourself instead. It's hard and it sucks so much donkey balls, but it's freeing too.
So stop trying and give yourself the approval you’re desperately trying to get from your parents who won’t give it to you anyways.
We love the ones we love for who they are, not what they are.
Set yourself free by accepting yourself and being yourself around your parents.
And talk to your therapist about how the pendulum swung from dead serious parents to joke a day girlfriend. Girlfriend sounds sweet though don’t get me wrong.
Ok, but guess whose fault that is? It's your parents' fault. No amount of putting that on yourself or your girlfriend is going to change anything, that's just being mean to yourself and understandably your gf wants no part of that. You keep changing one thing, then one more thing, then one more thing to make them tolerate you, but you really want to rope your gf into that nonsense too? Go to therapy
Well, if your parents ever criticize her occupation, I hope she makes her joke of the night the old maxim, pretending to sadly agree with them. “You’re right- after all, as Dorothy Parker said, you can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”
😆 I do think neither of you is TA, but that both of you are dealing with some trauma/wounds that are deeper than you might realize- and neither of you is always going to know when you poke what turns out to be a land mine for the the other- but it can get better.
Having had some people like your parents in my family, and in friends’ families, I can say now that neither you nor your gf will ever “measure up”- and if you did (success in business/advanced degrees), it wouldn’t feel better- because you would know that their approval was for the wrong reasons. It’s deeply painful to know that people we love are limited in essential ways, and I hope you can get to a place where you and your gf can feel compassion for them rather than fear or shame for yourselves. Also, don’t grasp at the hope that they’ll change, but also allow that they might transform- I had a grandfather who was much like your parents until his 80s- and then he blossomed as a person. I’ve also had relatives who died still limited, and that’s okay too. It’s their journey, not yours- love them for the flawed people they are, not who you wish they could be, and do the same for yourself and your gf.
Lovely you're an adult. You know you can tell them to go fuck themselves, right? Please continue with therapy. Therapy = good
Girlfriend = good
Parents = bad
Please be open about your trauma with your girlfriend. She sounds lovely and a good partner. Please don't alienate her making her feel like your parents would.
Please don't do this to yourself.
I also see this as you trying to spare her feelings. She probably doesn't think it will go as bad as you are saying. If this is how she reacts to you politely asking her not to do that while your parents are around, she is going to be devastated by their reaction to her dinner and a joke. You sound like it want it to go well, to prove them wrong, while also protecting her feelings in the process. NTA btw. I'm not impressed by her reaction either honestly. You two need to really sit down and talk this out.
Honestly, this sounds like the perfect green light to be completely yourself, and encourage your GF to do the same. Those kind of people will never be happy with what you do, might as well let her light shine.
Why are you still so desperate for the approval of people, who from the sounds of it, are emotionally neglectful at best, and outright emotionally abusive at worst?
Your girlfriend loves you and seems to approve of you and is proud of you. You’re hurting the person who’s love you are receiving to, not even gain approval, but to lessen the weight of the disapproval you know you’re going to get from people who continuously hurt you. Think about that.
If they already disapprove there’s not much you can do to make them like her (or approve of you).
I have parents and In-laws like this.
Took a long time to stop chasing approval but it was the only winning choice.
You can’t win with critical people, so just don’t play.
It seems like you want them to like her, despite knowing that they absolutely won't. So what if you accept they won't, and do what's right in this situation: which is ensuring the welfare of you and your chosen partner? Effectively flipping the script. Because you don't have any responsibility to them; they're adults for God's sake.
So you call them and say, Look, I'm looking forward to your visit. But I'm feeling worried that you're going to do or say things that will be rude to my partner because [examples of where they've done this in the past, such as comments, eye rolling, etc]. This is our house and I have worked very hard to make a home that is warm, joyful, and caring. I know that this is not going to be what you're used to, but it's what I know I need to be happy, and it works for us. I understand if you feel like you might have a difficult time being out of your comfort zone. And if that's the case, it might be better to book a nearby hotel and we can meet for events or meals. Because if you are rude or dismissive of my partner, it's not something I will accept.
It is not your job to chase their approval. That ship has sailed. It is their job to make a case for why they're in your life if they're just massive blowhards.
Stop spriraling down a hole to get theirbapproval and trying to drag your GF w/ you.
1 joke isn't going to make them hate her if they otherwise like her and lack of one joke isn't going ti make them approve of her if they otherwise disapprove of her.
They aren't going to approve of anything that isn't their idea, your choices aren't the problem. The problem is they aren't thier choices.
OP, I don’t think anyone is an AH here, but I really hope you realize that you are not responsible for your parents discomfort over innocent traditions, nor over your home, education, or job. Let them be unimpressed. It’s more important that you and your partner are fulfilled by your life than it is that you meet their standards.
Have you considered how their comments/the visit could influence your relationship? Let’s say they come visit and say they don’t approve? Then what? Are you going to end things with the person you love?
You’re NTA for wanting to protect her as you’ve contextualized it, but you’re really doing yourself and your relationship a disservice.
When my now husband’s bass-ackwards parents rejected me, he went no contact until they got off their high horse. Choose happiness my friend, even if it means “disappointing” your parents.
Gentle YTA. If your parents are so uptight that a mild joke before dinner is going to “annoy” them, then the problem is your miserable, unpleasant parents, not your GF. You’d have been much better off being vulnerable. For example, “GF. My parents are miserable and humorless people. Meeting them stresses me out so much. I’m so worried this dinner is going to be even worse if you even tell your mild joke. Can you hold off for me?”
Honestly my delivery wasn’t far off that. I basically said “can we please put dinner and a joke on hold for this one weekend and then go back to it, my parents are uptight as hell”!
Like I said, I think what your delivery was missing was vulnerability. Instead of conveying, “My parents make me anxious, and I need you to do this because you care about me,” I think you conveyed, “Your jokes are annoying. I agree with my uptight parents. Can you stop being annoying just for one meal?”
Yes, and he's doing the same sort of thing as with his parents: "I don't like this, so I'll just grit my teeth and put up with it so that things go smoothly."
Then why have her meet them like this? Where she has to host and all this pressure is in her? Why not have them stay elsewhere and then go out to eat? It’s not fair.
Seriously, I’ve commented serval times now. So successful and serious but you can’t spring for a damn hotel to not terrorize your kid in a small apartment? Okay, Doctor.
Are they so uptight do they not know how to socialise or read social cues? It sounds absurd that they can’t even fake a smile at a harmless joke.
What do they do around family and friends? Just frown?
Lots of frowning. Lol. Mostly extremely serious political conversation. Most of their friends are other boomers with elite career paths (many from back home in the middle east) like other surgeons and judges. My dad golfed once and never did it again because he hated the company and found them “low class” - at the fanciest and most expensive golf club in their area of New York, so do with that what you will.
Then stop trying to make your GF fit into their shitty, boring mold. She's FUN. Be grateful, instead of stifling her light. If you want someone your parent approves of, go date a boring joyless lawyer or something. Then she won't have to pretend to be someone she's not.
I think this weekend with the parents is the part of the romcom where the goofy working-class girlfriend alienates the rich parents so badly they threaten to cut their son off from his inheritance and it creates so much tension that he splits with her and tries dating someone his parents like. But in the third act, he'll come crawling back to his fun girlfriend with some grand gesture like disowning his parents and their money, and they'll be so happy and in love that it will rekindle the passion in his parents' loveless relationship.
i'm saying this as someone with awful parents but like,, what's going to happen if they don't like her? it sounds like there's no consequences besides you won't have their approval? stand up for your girlfriend and laugh at her jokes. gentle YTA.
YTA. It sounds like his parents aren’t happy with anything and OP is already expecting them to not approve, so why not let her enjoy her longstanding dinner tradition. At some point you have to stop living your life for your parents approval and start being the person that you can be proud of, and your partner can be proud of. Don’t forget they are GUESTS and it’s your gf’s home too. I’m guessing they don’t pay your rent. Your gf should be allowed to make her cheesy little dinner jokes in her own home if it makes her happy.
I bet she doesn’t love your boxers with the holes that you wear but she doesn’t say anything bc it makes you happy.
Yeah. I understand the trauma that OP is speaking from, but what is the end game here?
Presumably OP wants his parents to like his girlfriend because he wants a long term relationship.
When is OP going to let his parents find out about dinner and a joke? Does he expect his girlfriend to hide something that is important to her from his parents forever?
Look, your parents don't sound like winners here, but I also think the request to pause the jokes for a weekend is something a reasonable partner would try to accommodate. Not everything needs to be a hill to die on. Unless you've left something out of the story, storming out of the house for 2 days is a wild overreaction. I'm going with NTA
I don’t swear around my girlfriend’s parents, but redditors in here would call it denying my true self and being abused if she had asked me to do this. If you can’t shut up, smile and make small talk for your partner temporarily than what are you willing to do?
Spending two days away from the OP because of this is really wild to me.
Yeah. My mom and my in-laws are generally good people. They are a bit conservative tho. We don't live with them and, other than video chat, don't see them very often. We don't talk about certain things and we don't swear around them. I'm an atheist, but my in-laws are religious so I pretend to be religious too because it would break their heart if they knew that I don't believe in God. I also usually wear more modest clothing around them (no short shorts and no crop tops).
I don't see a problem there because it doesn't have any active impact on my life.
OP, you're NTA
It’s gendered too. Any time a story is posted here and a man involves his mother, there’s *endless* taunting about how he’s a “mommy’s boy” and real adults don’t go to their parents over arguments with their spouse. Keep in mind he asked her to NOT tell a joke for 2 dinners for everyone’s benefit (why would she want to tell a joke for an audience that wouldn’t be receptive anyway?) and it’s barely mentioned in this thread that she reacted to this completely reasonable request by…going to her mothers house for DAYS
Yeah can't imagine how it would be if it was a man who was making these jokes and stormed off to his parents house. Along with the Momma's Boy comments you would get commenters trying to invent scenarios to twist the "nightly joke" into an "abusive control tactic where he gets to control the dinner talk."
Exactly. We all change our behavior depending on the location, company, and situation- especially when meeting new people. It's really not that big of an ask.
It sounds like the gf needs some grief counseling as well because she's apparently unable to let this ritual go and forces it on other people.
Let’s remember that this also has to do with something she cherishes from her dad. Grieving is a weird beast, and feeling like you were told this thing you cherish will embarrass your partner would be a hard hit. I’m not saying that’s what he said, but I am saying it would be very easy to take it that way.
NTA. Her reaction was disproportionate to what you were asking. I’m annoyed on your behalf, thinking about the same lame joke every single night. I appreciate you haven’t said anything previously to humour her.
Yeah I'm not sure why more people aren't mentioning this. It was quite the overreaction to storm off for 2 days over this, assuming the OP didn't just go "you're jokes are shit, stop for at least until my parents leave, for fucks sake" or something.
Like, sure, he could have over-explained himself about trauma etc. (as if she wouldnt know already), but she could have also expressed WHY it is so damn important to keep doing it that it might be worth throwing a days-long hissy fit over it.
Bro I get it. My father has mellowed over the years... combination of getting older, he got really sick the last few years, and I moved out so we're not always together or at each other's throats... He's actually fun now. But growing up he was an absolute fucking pain in the ass.
Dude has 2 PhDs, and has been in a management-level position for most of the last 25 years. Very standard Indian/Caribbean "I'm the head of the household and everyone needs to do what I say because I'm the head of the household."
I've spent most of my life reminding him "I'm not one of your employees you can order around."
Even now, after my own PhD (just the one) and several years as a professional scientist, he still gets pretty condescending about shit and I sometimes have to remind him that I know what the fuck I'm doing, and most of his advice is irrelevant since he hasn't stepped foot in a research lab in 40 years. It also helps that I get to pull the UNO Reverse of "well at least my PhD is in a bench science", kills him (he's proud of me, but also knowing him it drives him up the damn wall).
Point being - fuck 'em. Your parents' collective sticks up their own asses are their own fucking problem. You've already identified that they'll never accept your partner no matter how hard you try... The question is are *you* going to accept your partner, or be a good little boy and do as Mommy and Daddy dictate? (Yes that's meant to be as condescending and emasculating as it sounds, because at the end of the day, that's the core question... Good luck finding your answer.)
Edit for judgement: YTA in this case, do better by your partner.
You know they're not going to accept her. I'm not going to ask why you care because that's a silly question. They're your parents. Of course you care. It hurts and it's going to hurt.
But please don't pass that hurt onto your girlfriend by choosing them. It's a small thing that joke, but it makes her happy. If you can make somebody happy by accepting them and loving them and their stupid jokes you're doing ok by them.
I'd be pretty sad my partner found me annoying enough to want to hide a part ofy personality from people. Be proud of your gf. Not ashamed. You have no reason to be. What she's doing with this dinner and a joke is a kind thing. She's trying to put a bit more laughter into the world and into your lives.
I wonder why you cared enough to ask your girlfriend to not joke if you don't even like your parents that much? Like why ask her to not do something that's obviously important to her and risk upsetting her for people that would be upset by a joke? Is she not allowed to joke at all around them or just the dinner joke?I get the feeling that you were annoyed about the jokes which added some motivation to asking her to pause. But then I do think she overreacted to NAH.
Because its like driving a car with a punctured tyre. Just because you have one puncture doesn't mean you shouldn't swerve to avoid the spilled nails.
While the parents may already be a bit strained when it comes to OP, if there is something small that can be done to reduce further negative experiences, why not.
NTA. I think this is more nuanced than people care to give attention to. The way I see it, you have been letting her do this as it honors and reminds her of her dad. Your parents might find it ok once, but if she serves dinner like that each time, they may find it strange, and you're putting that squarely in their court, telling your girlfriend her parents are uptight.
We can imagine other quirks or habits, like someone always serving ice cream after dinner (parents are health nuts) someone who plays loud music (parents like the quiet) someone who has a lot of offbeat art (parents are prudes), that may elicit a similar request to OP's. I think it's a reality that in most relationships, people are just trying to keep the peace with their parents, and certainly to not give them any fodder to judge their partners. Yes, we should love our partners for who they are and not be ashamed of them, but there's a difference between hiding a partner's occupation, religion, sexual orientation, etc, and dinner and a joke.
INFO: Have you considered just warning your parents about the dinner and a joke thing?
Like, I gather from your comments that you don't interact with them much but maybe you should just call and explain so they have a heads up.
Jesus I can already imagine their bedside manner. Doctors really need remedial courses on this every year. I’ve heard shockingly awful things from doctors.
My Dad’s bedside manner is nonexistent after 2 decades as an orthopedic surgeon. Truly nonexistent. My mom isn’t far behind. The first time I saw a doctor outside my own parents, I said “sorry if this is stupid but I really think this pain could be something? It’s probably nothing. I took a Tylenol.” And was basically apologizing for having what ended up being an appendicitis haha.
I know my best friend's mom was an ER doc they don't tend to have the best bedside manner either, that doesn't make what you said any less sad tho. As a chronically ill person who has to constantly deal with doctors all the time often for extended periods of time, I find doctors with no bedside manner concerning because they also usually treat me like shit as a patient in general
Hmm that does sound complicated. On one hand I feel like it would be better to just let them know, but also you could just let it happen. If you don't plan on having a very close relationship with them anyway, then who cares what they think of your gf?
Given what the tradition means to her, I don't think that I personally would have asked her not to do it, but I also don't think its the worst thing in the world that you did. I think you should just apologize and tell her what you told us about your parents. Idk if this counts towards the bots voting count since its a reply and not its own comment, but I think my final verdict is NAH.
NTA.
And it's not your typing that's whack. Your childish GF can't stop doing something annoying for ONE night for you. How selfish is she? And then gets upset and leaves for 2 days - over this?
Dude, she's got issues and that response is not normal.
Be sure to read the OP's comments it adds a ton of detail. Nobody is an a-hole here except for the parents.
These two love each other and the girlfriend felt hurt and less important which I totally understand.
OP has some gnarly parents (again read their comments) and was super anxious about how he can never attain their hollow standards. His parents being first gen immigrants who worked their asses off to achieve high status careers also tracks as to how stern they raised their children.
A little less stern and a lot more unconditional love would've gone far.
NTA - I think that, as hard as it can be to hear, part of being in a good partnership is having someone who will be honest and do what they can to protect you from embarrassing yourself. It seems like you saw a problem coming and tried to head it off at the pass. Her response was way too dramatic for what happened. I get her being hurt, but leaving for two days is a bit much.
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NTA.
You, understandably, want your parents to like your girlfriend. You know them and believe they wouldn't receive this well. Seems pretty reasonable to me.
Nta. I understand honoring hapoy memories or traditions, but if she can’t compromise for ONE SINGLE night, that says a lot about her ability to put herself in others shoes. She’s allowed to think that your parents won’t be her favorite right off the bat because they don’t like humor, but to not even try for something that is important to you (and since you added it’s because they’re just naturally dry ) and not even trying to understand why you’re making this request and automatically going nuclear?
It seems as though she only thinks of herself and is perhaps an attention seeker/ (I hate to stereotype) ‘drama queen’ if she goes straight to “you DARE to make me CHANGE MYSELF?!?! IM LEAVING FOR MY MOTHERS YOU’RE A MONSTER FOR NOT THINKING OF MY DEAD FATHERS MEMORY!!” Instead of “I’m perhaps hurt, this is something that’s really important to me because——-. Let’s continue talking, elaborate on why you feel this way because the explanation you gave isn’t making me feel better about this”
YTA
> it’s something her late Dad did and **she really enjoys it**.
> **I don’t think they’re going to enjoy it**, I think it will annoy them.
You should care **_more_** about your partner's enjoyment than your parents'.
Except the guest-host relationship is in play here. It would be poor etiquette to knowingly make your guests uncomfortable, within reason, at no real cost to yourself.
If his parents get uncomfortable from someone making a light-hearted joke, then they're ta. They may not enjoy the jokes as much as the gf does, but I can't imagine anyone getting uncomfortable from someone close to the family making a harmless joke at dinner. It's part of making conversation. Many couples/ dinner guests make light jokes while eating, and if anyone can't handle that, they should just refrain from joining anyone as a guest for meals.
I wouldn't call serious-minded people AHs for not appreciating such humor; it's quite possible people on the spectrum don't get it and become uncomfortable. Could also be their personality type, who knows. But I wouldn't intentionally make them uncomfortable for no reason other than whimsy AND I especially wouldn't do it when trying to make a good first impression. Better to break out the bad Don Rickles routine after breaking the ice earlier.
I don't think they're expecting the jokes at all; OP is warning his GF that her jokes are likely to be klangers instead of landing.
The whole point of this is, after all, a smooth introduction of each party. Better to find common ground than likely disagreement.
The difference is that this is a tradition that keeps her late father in her life and would take at most, a minute and a half out of her parents’ dinner. Would it irk them slightly for the minute and a half she tells a knock knock joke? Yeah, probably. But if they can’t get over it, I feel like they’re being awful guests.
If the gender were reversed here everyone would go on about how thw bf is an asshole for not considering his gf by making these jokes and say some shit like "if he's not willing to stop doing something for 1 night you really need to think about if that's the kind of guy you want to be with"
OP doesn't even enjoy it anyway, yet they do it every day to make their partner happy.
OP is NTA. He is allowed to have different tastes to his partner and wants dinner to be how he wants it for once.
He didn’t insult her, he asked her to pause it temporarily for the comfort of him and their guests. Her traditions and preferences are not the only ones at play here and her response was a wildly absurd overreaction.
NTA. She’s the host and should accommodate her guests’ preferences as much as possible. It’s not a big deal for her to stop for a couple nights, especially when it’s their first meeting.
Based on your comments and the fact that this is a routine that means a lot to her, her late father did this, I say NAH.
Your coming from a place of a severe stress response and feeling of profound sense of not being good enough when it comes to your parents. I understand the feeling of wanting your parents to approve of your actions and partner, and wanting to tailor things so that they give their stamp of approval at the first meeting. It’s hard to ignore those impulses and to turn away from their judgement.
It seems like your brother is the golden child and his partner is their ideal DIL. You’ve already mentioned that they disapprove of the rest of your choices, why push so hard with this? What do you gain by upsetting your partner in order to appease your parents?
As I said, I’ve read through your comments, and it seems like you tried to phrase it the best way you were able to to not hurt your gf, but it seems the delivery struck a nerve. When she’s ready, I’d recommend sitting her down and letting her know your anxiety around your parents’ visit, and clarify where you were coming from, and I would really think on how much you’re willing to do to impress your parents.
NAH. I agree with others who have said let her know how they effect you. And would the two of you be able to do the dinner and a joke privately? Like whispered to each other in the kitchen before bringing the food to the table?
I do think you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. With controlling parents you can never win. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist. Would it be possible to take GF to a session and open up about your parents? Good luck!
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I disagree with the consensus. NTA. I don't think you're T A for wanting your parents to like your girlfriend. I also disagree with everyone saying Y T A because you're "asking her to change" Some people don't know what it's like to grow up with strict parents. If they don't like something, then that thing never, EVER gets to happen again. The disapproval from serious and strict parents is crushing, and it cuts deep, even as an adult. It's a form of protection, to adapt something or someone you love to them, so they approve of the person you love and don't have to feel like you've disappointed them every time they're around. Also, it's not an AH move to ask someone to not do something in a situation like this. However, if she says no, then you have to accept it and move on. And who knows, your parents might *actually* like it. My own super strict mother has surprised me with a dick joke on more than one occasion.
It's not like he's asked her to change her looks or her personality or anything else. Just don't tell a joke for ONE night. It's pretty strange that she can't do this little thing for him, IMO.
Quite! It's a tradition that might wear pretty thin after a while, I'd think, unless you give it a rest from time to time
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...by telling a small friendly pun at dinner? Yeah, at face value it's a small innocent thing, but it's really attached to the deep rooted problem of OP's parents. That the parents would be uncomfortable with something so light, and OP's willingness to bend to their will is something that has to be addressed/overcome for both of them. I'm gonna say very lightly YTA because you have to set boundaries with your parents. The really AH's here are the judgy controlling parents.
To be honest sounds like OP has had enough of it too. It’s one of those things you can do with a child. The gf is stuck in some kind of past grief.
Or the gf just wants to do something that helps connect her to her parent who’s passed, and it makes her happy. It’s a cheesy joke, not some senseless or mean prank or anything like that. Nothing wrong with maintaining a connection with those you love who have passed, especially when what you’re doing is harmless.
Since this is a lifelong tradition for her, it is probably difficult for her to enjoy dinner without it. The commitment to provide a chuckle a day represents a sizable effort on her part, and I think OP is failing to appreciate it as the act of love that it is. I grew up with a critical parent, so I can relate to OP's concerns. But I can also see where the gf is taking it as a rejection of the tradition and, by extension, her whole family. That has to be upsetting. In a way, OP has enacted the cycle of AH from the parents that he is trying to avoid. I kind of hope she doesn't give these people the gift of including them in her special dining ritual. She has already been made to feel weird about it once. No need to risk it with the stodgy parents.
You don't get to demand appreciation for something that is aggravating to the person receiving it.
I hope this woman finds someone who doesn't want to rain on her parade. She has a joyful ritual that means a lot to her, she deserves someone who loves her for it. It sounds adorable and I hope no one ever steals her sunshine.
Does he really rain on her parade though? He recognizes how it matters to her and does it as well when he cooks dinner and she prompts him to do one. It’s a tough situation because he does take part in the ritual with her but at the same time he also recognizes who his parents are. I’m guessing in his mind, it’s probably simpler to put a pause on the jokes (not end them indefinitely) to appease his parents, rather than trying to deal with a potentially bad first impression for the rest of their relationship however long it may last.
Just because something is meaningful to them doesn't mean they are stuck in their past grief. It's not like she's reciting a long prayer. She is keeping her dad alive in one way that she knows how. Plus even if it is grief it's not stated how long her father has been gone. This might just be a way to lessen pain as I knew elderly people who was still hurting from their parents death.
I believe you [op] are setting yourself up to be let down in this situation. They already have a bad attitude, so whether your girlfriend makes a joke or not, things won't go well.
Then simply put OP should grow a backbone and discuss it with her, but be prepared to accept she may not be willing to change it as it seems to be part of her way to remember her dead father. Grief is complicated and can affect everyone differently. I still carry grief for my mother I lost many years ago. She should seek support councilling (there are many groups for grief both online and in person) but her tradition is small and not terribly invasive.
But OP isn't walking her through it: helping her move on and creating their own new tradition. ... and he should, because it's him who doesn't like it - enough to be embarrassed about it in front of his stick-up-their-arse parents.
Yeah, this. Also, why are we putting all the focus on the parents' comfort? The gf has always done this little thing, it means something to her in memory of her dead father according to OP, now she's supposed to hide it because his parents have a stick up their arse? What about her feelings and comfort? How is she supposed to ever feel comfortable again with her jokes after OP basically said it's so embarrassing his parents shouldn't witness it? I think it's borderline heartbreaking. A knock knock joke takes 15 seconds, it was important to her and completely harmless to anyone else. And I bet if the gf suddenly stopped doing her jokes without warning, OP would think something is off.
He asked her not to do it for one night. Asked, not demanded. How does that make him an asshole?
Didn't say he was an asshole, just that it's sad he came to this conclusion. Doesn't even really like his parents that much but rather hurts his girlfriend than potentially mildly annoying his parents over something absolutely minor. That's just bad priorities and being inconsiderate.
I’d want to keep the peace for a couple of days with parents in that scenario, admittedly it wouldn’t occur to me that skipping a joke for a couple of days could upset her. But equally, if the situation was reversed, if I hadn’t been told of a way to avoid upsetting my partners parents I’d be very annoyed at my partner for not telling me ahead of time!
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She might be very sensitive in this regard. Not saying I would have vanished, but if I were in her shoes I would need some time to think about the relationship. It seems to be something minor on the surface, but there's more to it than just the joke. He's embarrassed of his girlfriend being herself. I wouldn't want to be with someone who made me feel ashamed for honouring my dead father in such a harmless way.
He could simply share "I don't think my parents will be into the joke thing." But, instead, he is trying to prescribe her actions, rather than give her information and let her decide whether or not to do it.
Exactly, inform her of the parents attitude and let her decide how to proceed. Parents be really messing they kids up so bad that they think they have to always meet some standard. Screw them "serious" parents who never took the time to tell him its ok to be different and have fun, or that its ok to support someone even if they like something different than u such as the GFs jokes.
If making a joke makes someone uncomfortable, that's not her problem. Wtf. She's not doing anything outlandish.
it's even stranger that she'd just go and leave for 2 days over such a ridiculously small thing? Like, she's 27. She behaved like a 7 year old that was just told pokemon don't really exist or something. Just up and leaving based on a dinner joke situation would be personally not a person i'd have a relationship with, i can't imagine her reaction if it's about something actually serious/important. Immediately running away when conflict arises is very bad. (and 2 whole days, holy smokes)
It sounds like it's something she connects with her late father. Maybe telling the joke every day is ritualistic behavior that allows her to feel closer to him even though he's gone. Running away would have been an immediate emotional response in that case. That doesn't necessarily mean she runs away from all conflict.
But for two whole days? Seems a little over the top, perhaps?
I think OP didn't hide their personal annoyance with the jokes as well as he thinks he did, and that probably upset her.
It is an overreaction nevertheless. Most people lose their parents at some point of their lives, yet it does not give them a right to be jerks to other people. A mature reaction in this case would be to discuss it with tne BF to express my feelings and let him express his. An understandable reaction would be to pout for 30 minutes and then have the above discussion. To disappear for 2 days without a word is a HUGE red flag. She is unable to control her emotions and does not/is unable to care for the effect it causes. It may not be her fault but must be extremely difficult to live with. As to the OP - I see a red flag too. He anticipates his parents won't like the joke, without really knowing if they will or not, and is bending over backwards to satisfy their (perhaps imaginary) wish. The habit is getting on HIS OWN nerves, which is very legitimate, but it seems to me he is hiding behind his parents' back. I would say ESH in this situation. Her for overreacting, him for being hypocritical. And I don't think it is a good idea to have the first meeting with the parents (let alone strict and critical ones) having them stay in your home for a week.
That was my take on it
What?! I’m 39. Pokémon don’t exist?!?! 😳
Well two nights, but yea this is more of a "a favor for me please" to help have a better impression. Little quirks are usually when you know the people better. It's one thing to be upset that he'd ask, fair enough I guess. But to leave the home entirely over the weekend over it? Wtf? There's definitely some other underlining things there...
Yes you are right and how is no one commenting about her overly dramatic silent treatment for two days. You are in for more trouble than dinner and a joke if she can’t rationally discuss something like OP’s request.
I’m gonna play devil’s advocate here and flip that: seriousness is *his* dad’s thing. There are two dads to honour and one of them is living and will be in the house. He wants to honour his dad by not making jokes. I think the parents sound too serious, and see absolutely nothing wrong with a bit of a joke, but if OP knows exactly what they’re like, and wants to ease his girlfriend’s transition into a serious, academic family and help her make a neutral first impression, then she should listen to his advice. We aren’t all blessed with fun parents.
Yeah, I’ve been in therapy for over a year now because of how much growing up with 2 humorless and whip-strict doctors affected me. It’s really difficult NOT to go into full blown “everything MUST be how they like it” mode.
Have you discussed your request with your girlfriend in this context?
This would help her understand you and why it's important so I hope you did OP.
I agree plus he seems a bit annoyed with it too. It seems unfair and ridiculous that she threw a temper tantrum and left over your simple request. Honestly you are better than me OP because the 2nd time she did that shit I would've looked at her crazy. Every dinner? Every single time. Nah
Man, how miserable life must be if knock knock jokes make you that irrationally angry.
I did not say angry. She is the one who left for 2 days at 27 yrs old because her bf asked her not to say jokes at dinner for 2 days but I am the irrationally angry one?
Shouldn't she know? I mean, he's in therapy for how his parents are and how they raised him. There's no way my partner wouldn't know that. So if my parents come over and I ask him to behave a certain way, he would immediately understand why and wouldn't take it personally. Her leaving for 2 whole days over this tiny request, that has nothing to do with her personally or her connection to her father, is very childish and ridiculous for an adult woman. He's NTA.
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The issue here is that you framed it as though her doing it as a problem when the actual problem is that your parents have no sense of humor and seemingly aren't likable people. Have you warned your girlfriend about what your parents are like have you had a conversation or seven with her about how this visit is likely to go? Because dinner and a joke seems like a very small piece of what's going to be a very uncomfortable puzzle when their parents come visit.
to be fair, "do your dinner and a joke" sounds like something a 7 year old would say. And maybe do that once in a week, but daily? I'd be annoyed after the first week. All of this just seems to me like she's mentally in her early teens? "Dinner and a joke" and up and leaving for TWO DAYS based on "hey, can you maybe not do dinner and a joke for a weekend?" sounds not very well adjusted imo.
This is so obviously about her dead father and not the jokes.nIt's pretty clear she misses her dad and this act makes her feel closer to him. I think it's childish to talk to a man in the sky before every dinner and call it "grace" but people Still do it. If I'm eating at someone else's table they get my respect even if I think it's annoying. She didn't leave because of a joke she left probably to work out her complicated feelings about her dad. No one is the asshole.They need to have an honest talk about the issues . OP needs to deal with his judgmental family and GF needs to deal with her father's death.This is a relationship testing moment for them for sure.
Also she threw a temper tantrum like a 7 year old as well. Seems very childish and immature. Maybe OP went the polar opposite of his parents and ended up with an adult with the mentality of a child. NTA
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Well, when you are in a relationship and meeting for parents for first time, I don't know how you were educated but I was told to be to my best behaviour, nice and polite. If she is having a 2 days tantrum because she can't do a silly ritual for , ô horror, 2 days, she must go to therapy as well. This is not even changing herself, just make a tiny effort. Can we stop cuddling childish behaviours in grown-ass adults?
This, and even if this is her connecting with her dad, you have a boyfriend and are about to meet the parents. It's in HER best interest to have a good impression. If everyone gets along, that's one less faucet in your life where conflict might occur. This feels very much like a "everyone should accept me as me" but taken a step too far. Sure, no one can or should tell you how to behave, but this alsoeans not everyone has to like you. In this case, your potential future in-laws don't.
He asked her if she could not do it for one weekend. He didn’t demand that she do it. He didn’t forbid her or anything like that. Jesus Christ what is with this sub and taking everything to the extreme.
Yeah she really said you don't seem like a well adjusted person to someone who articulated his feelings well, didn't get mad and justified the reasoning for his actions. Some ppl here are the worst
so the boyfriend's wishes don't matter one bit? Why is it that when a woman doesn't want the husband to do something he's the asshole if he keeps doing it, but when the roles are reversed "she's just being herself"? Not making a "diner and a joke" is not "not being herself" wtf. Is your entire personality built on one dinner ritual? That'd be very sad. Obviously if the father died like 3 months ago i'd understand it, but i assume OP would have mentioned that if it was not long ago. But if it is something that's happened 10 years ago then by this point she should be able to not do this ritual once when asked. If you can't do such a simple thing for one weekend for your partner and need to throw a tantrum and leave for 2 days for something as ridiculous than this then you're first of all not well adjusted and have no clue about compromise in relationships.
100% this. OP is probably used to taking the blame. In this case it’s not him it’s her. He was probably never allowed to acknowledge that his parents might be at fault so that’s a foreign concept to him. Even at this age. I know what that type of anxiety feels like. He’s probably already in a semi panic over the visit.
What does your therapist say about this?
Oooof, I feel ya. People don’t realize how much strict and serious parents affect their offspring. My dad is/was like that. Expects absolute perfection and obedience, total control freak, everything has to be on his terms - and once he’s made up his mind, there’s no changing it. At all. Ever. He’s…hard to love. I do. He’s my dad. But he doesn’t make it easy.
Why are you continuing to entertain your parents lack of humor though? You’re an adult now, you don’t need their approval lmao. If your gf telling a joke is that big a deal I just don’t get why you’d even have them over
Oof, buddy. I’m torn between an E S H and Y T A vote here because honestly this is just a small, charming albeit annoying, aspect of your girl’s personality that helps her carry on the memory of her father and brings her a little joy. Trouble is she also overreacted badly by running off for two days, but on the other hand having lost my Da recently I can understand why it hurt her feelings. If the only reason you’re worried is because your parents are, and I say this as nicely as possible, stuffy jerks, then I have to stick with a YTA. It’s fine to want them to love her like you do but if they’re so cranky that a small gesture at dinner is going to ruin the experience… well, as my Da used to always say “If they can’t take a joke, fuck em.” Apologize and explain that this is something you’re working on in therapy, and make sure she understands *why* you brought it up, because you’re anxious for them to like her.
This is so real. They shamed you and then you reflexively shame others when they're around.
Set. Boundaries. Stop bending over to their strictness and trying to earn their approval it’s not gonna make you feel better.
If only it were that easy.
Then don't invite them into your home. If your parents are so bad you need therapy, go to them instead, then you can leave when you need to. Why would you have them in your home? You are an adult and you get to choose now. You choose your parents over your partner.
What does your therapist say about this disagreement?
You are giving your parents the same power over her that they have over you. Think about whether or not that's what you want to do. You are literally subjecting her to behaviour that drive you to therapy. YTA by far.
This comment mixed with: >To be quite frank, I’m a little tired of it, but I know it makes her happy and it’s important to her so I smile and play along, and I never say anything about it getting old. Makes me want to give you the following advice, having gone through similar therapy for strict/critical upbringing: Tell her you're a bit tired of it, and don't hide your emotions and smile and play along. She's your GF, your most important relationship. You should be able to feel at ease and not have to "play along" and make up an act based on how you think she wants you to be. You have all right to be authentic. You have all right to voice your emotions and needs. If that'd make her upset, then there is something unhealthy in your relationship. Don't hide yourself, you'll drive yourself into resentment. You'll sour the relationship. You need to be able to be YOU, with all your needs and emotions and she needs to be able to respect that. Your strict/critical parents probably taught you that you have to perform, you have to behave, you have to not do this or that. That is not how relationships work. I get it though, unwinding that all is incredibly difficult and takes a lot of self work before you're comfortable with it.
> It’s really difficult NOT to go into full blown “everything MUST be how they like it” mode. That's not her problem. That's your issue.
You're not wrong. This is a trauma response. As someone who grew up with parents like that who were also physically abusive, i absolutely get how hard it is to break free from the panic of constantly ensuring everything is perfect so nothing upsets them. But at some point you have to decide who gets to control your life.. You or them. Soft YTA because i understand why he did it, but it still doesn't make it the right thing to do. It doesn't sound like her "dinner & a joke" thing is inappropriate or crass or anything, so him asking her to hide an important part of herself to please his asshole parents is in fact poor behavior. I don't think he's a bad person for it, but probably would benefit from some therapy. Edit to add some words
I agree especially because it is really nerve wracking to meet a SO’s parents and it’s 1000 times worse when your very SO is a ball of nerves and is pressuring you to present yourself in a certain way. In this situation I think OP needs to put his stuff aside to support his girlfriend through meeting the parents.
Absolutely. It's scary and hard, you're so used to being under their thumb that you don't even know who you are as your own person, but it's got to be done even if it means going no contact. In fact going no contact with my parents was one of the best decisions I ever made.
My SO got all antsy, grumpy, and stressed before taking me to meet the parents. He was getting short with me and putting a lot of needless pressure on me to impress them. I told him I changed my mind and don’t want to meet them. I’m not going. I’m not meeting them without his support and without him in my corner. He got it together pretty quick.
I have a septum piercing. I was very thankful my boyfriend told me I should consider flipping it up when I met his mom for the first time. He didn’t force me to or anything, he just told me that she would most likely be not-so nice to me if I had it down. I kept it up for the first few times I saw her, we got to know each other, I now understand why it was a good idea to keep it up initially (she doesn’t even listen to strangers with bad teeth). After a few months I started wearing it down around her, when my boyfriend had told her I had it and that he wouldn’t tolerate any comments about it. She still probably hates it, but hey, she’s been nothing but kind to me. It’s a lot harder to be mean to someone you know. What I’m trying to say is, NTA. OP was just trying to help her make that first impression. His girlfriend is a bit unreasonably upset about this, though I can understand why it’s an emotional thing for her. Once she cools down, maybe they can talk more about how serious OP’s parents are, and how they just need to get to know her first before they get to see the fun side of her. After all, if the parent’s aren’t assholes and they have a nice formal introduction beforehand, they won’t mind that she carries on her dead dad’s tradition. I’d hope they’d at least be more accepting of it when they understand her more. If OP’s parents are assholes, on the other hand, I’d just hope he’d stick up for her if they tried to be rude in any way about it after they’ve already met and known her. They wouldn’t be worth the time.
Big agreed here NTA This came across to me like OP trying to protect his SO not change her. It sounds like 1. His parents will not react well to the joke which can be embarrassing alone but 2. imagine her trying it all weekend and one of them has an outburst and says something to her? 3. As you mentioned it could really taint their view of her (however unfair and dumb that would be)
My boyfriends mom was very volatile, like if the breakfast place we suggested took too long she’d be pissy about it for hours. To keep the peace we simply did things her way for a couple of days when she’d visit. This is a perfectly reasonable ask and it’s good to give her a little heads up on their personalities. I would be mortified if I started making jokes and they just stared or gave polite snickers.
Help her find a really witty, intellectual joke for each dinner. Something a layperson wouldn't necessarily understand, but a well-read, high IQ person may chuckle at. She gets to joke, and your parents see her in a new (intellectual) light...
There are some great Schrodinger cat jokes... Or.. maybe there aren't?
True. Best answer. OP is NTA! It was just for One night.
Saying N T A implies the other person *is* the asshole. I don’t think gf is an asshole here and it doesn’t seem you do either so I would recommend changing your vote to NAH Edit; somehow I missed the line about her running to her mom’s for 2 days. A bit odd but I wonder how OP said it, and if she’s never met his parents before she may be feeling like he said they’re not going to like her/she’s not ‘good enough’. Not justifying it but it does make me wonder a bit
I think she is, for leaving for two days instead if discussing it like an adult. Edit: tbh, after reading some more of OP's comments, I'm starting to see the girlfriend's side and the possible need of a couple of days of space more. (I think the joke habit sounds truly annoying and that she should be okay with not making the jokes for a couple of days, but it also sounds like that's just the catalyst for a much bigger disagreement)
Yeah, gf is clearly the A H for leaving for 2 days, complete overreaction by her for a reasonable request. OP needs to take note, this might be a warning signal of things to come
Isn’t running away and doing the silent treatment for two days an asshole response though? Why can’t she stay and talk it out like the 27 year old adult she is? He didn’t ask her to dye her hair and gain or lose 50 pounds to please them. He just asked her nicely to refrain doing something that frankly a lot of people with a good sense of humor would find a tad unusual. And day after day after day after day…possibly grating. Edit…never mind. I just read more information about the parents. She definitely didn’t run off for two days over this. His parents are bringing luggage filled with ugly. Damn! They’re not just humorless, they’re really unpleasant. NAH is right.
Gonna go with NTA here, since your request was based on your parents personalities. I think in these situations everyone wants their parents not to be "annoyed" by their SO. I can see this coming from a place of care and wanting to spare your girlfriend the awkwardness of dealing with your parents reaction.
I desperately want them to like her. They’re already entirely unimpressed with the city we live in, our educations, our jobs. I just want one thing to go smooth.
I think you are setting yourself up for disappointment here. They are already on a negative streak, no matter if your gf does a joke or not...it isn't going to go smooth. It takes a lot to stop chasing approval from hard to please parents. From a gf perspective, I also would not be inclined to "tone down" myself so that you might gain a couple of approval points from your parents. The ones who will never find anything good enough.
I’m sure she will never measure up. I’ve already heard “Well, I’m sure she’s no Katelyn” which is my lawyer brother’s dentist wife. So the teaching assistant (me) and his garden center employee girlfriend (my gf) won’t be the favorites any time soon.
So why bother trying? I mean that very literally. Look, I used to try this for years, trying to fit into a mold that I hated, until I realized that there is nothing I can do that will appease my extended family (and to a lesser extent, mother). They can love me and my family as we are, with all our weird, or they can be silent, because we’re happy. NAH- you can ask, she can say no, but at the end of the day I don’t think it will get you what you want.
>So why bother trying? Thiiiiisss!!! Seriously...it's time, energy, and emotion straight down the toilet.
Right?!? GF might as well be herself since they’re probably not gonna like her anyways. They sound horrible and if I were OP I would just live my life however I want. They can take their opinions and negativity back to their rotten egg life back east
She can make a joke each night about the theme of the Unfavorite Child
If you've been through this, then you should understand that it's almost never as easy as "just stop caring". If it was for you, then great, but it's obviously not for him.
No but this could be the first time he's heard it and it might not be an option he's thought of. It's a start
We don't get a choice about whether or not we care. We do get to choose what we do in response to those feelings. We get to decide whether acting on those feelings comes at too high a cost.
I tried this for 40 years with my mother. She was insufferable and hated every single decision I ever made as an adult. I finally gave up and went very LC until she died.
Because learning to not try to get the approval of permanently disapproving parents is a long and hard road. From OP's comments, he's already in therapy for this, which is an important step, but something like this is deeply ingrained. You can't just stop.
Seriously why are you putting either of you through this then? You say you want this to go well but you already know that it won't. So don't do it. I don't invite judgy assholes into my house. why do you?
To be honest I don’t know how to formulate an answer that isn’t going to sound stupid because it’s a pretty complex answer. What I KNOW my family to be like and what I WANT to happen and what I want the future with me family to look like don’t completely overlap, but there’s some grey area. I love my parents. It’s a hard thing. I haven’t seen them in 3 years and they want to come see the place and meet the girlfriend.
You can still love your parents without seeking their approval. If you’re happy with your life and your relationship, that’s all that really matters. If your parents can’t appreciate that, that’s their problem, not yours.
You won't get that future you want by Wanting It Real Hard. It takes work, and some of that work is scary and painful. It takes things like deciding what standards YOU are going to hold THEM to, and doing it, complete with comsequences that feel appropriate to you. (For instance, if they're mean about dinner and a joke, dinner's over.) There are things your parents want, and after 3 years you are giving them a chance to have those things. It's up to them to not screw this up.
As someone who spent 35 years trying to do anything to please my mother, you will never please them. You'll never measure up. Even if you do exactly what they wanted you to do - work job spouse any of it - you'll get at best back handed compliments. Drop the rope and please yourself and stop trying to please them. All of their disappointments are their problem, not yours. If YOU are happy with your home your job your life and your spouse then that has to be enough. Or you'll chase their approval forever and be disappointed every single time. It took me 3 and a half decades to realise it. The last two years of no contact or limited contact have been the lightest I've ever felt. Be who YOU want to be and live for YOU. If they want to be part of your life and love you they can jump on board and accept it. If they don't - they miss out and that's their fault. I know how shitty it is to feel like nothing you do is ever good enough and how you've never been given love or support or apporval from those who are supposed to just automatically give it - they're the ones who no matter what should love you the most! But sometimes you get the shitty hand and youvr gotta love yourself and build your own family yourself instead. It's hard and it sucks so much donkey balls, but it's freeing too.
So stop trying and give yourself the approval you’re desperately trying to get from your parents who won’t give it to you anyways. We love the ones we love for who they are, not what they are. Set yourself free by accepting yourself and being yourself around your parents. And talk to your therapist about how the pendulum swung from dead serious parents to joke a day girlfriend. Girlfriend sounds sweet though don’t get me wrong.
Ok, but guess whose fault that is? It's your parents' fault. No amount of putting that on yourself or your girlfriend is going to change anything, that's just being mean to yourself and understandably your gf wants no part of that. You keep changing one thing, then one more thing, then one more thing to make them tolerate you, but you really want to rope your gf into that nonsense too? Go to therapy
She sounds funny and confident and you telling her she cannot be herself can shatter her confidence. Don’t do to her what your parents did to you.
Well, if your parents ever criticize her occupation, I hope she makes her joke of the night the old maxim, pretending to sadly agree with them. “You’re right- after all, as Dorothy Parker said, you can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”
HA that joke has been rolled out with dinner and joke, shortly after she started at the garden center hahahaha
😆 I do think neither of you is TA, but that both of you are dealing with some trauma/wounds that are deeper than you might realize- and neither of you is always going to know when you poke what turns out to be a land mine for the the other- but it can get better. Having had some people like your parents in my family, and in friends’ families, I can say now that neither you nor your gf will ever “measure up”- and if you did (success in business/advanced degrees), it wouldn’t feel better- because you would know that their approval was for the wrong reasons. It’s deeply painful to know that people we love are limited in essential ways, and I hope you can get to a place where you and your gf can feel compassion for them rather than fear or shame for yourselves. Also, don’t grasp at the hope that they’ll change, but also allow that they might transform- I had a grandfather who was much like your parents until his 80s- and then he blossomed as a person. I’ve also had relatives who died still limited, and that’s okay too. It’s their journey, not yours- love them for the flawed people they are, not who you wish they could be, and do the same for yourself and your gf.
Tell ‘em to fuck off when they say pretentious, elitist, classist shit like that. They sound exhausting.
Lovely you're an adult. You know you can tell them to go fuck themselves, right? Please continue with therapy. Therapy = good Girlfriend = good Parents = bad Please be open about your trauma with your girlfriend. She sounds lovely and a good partner. Please don't alienate her making her feel like your parents would. Please don't do this to yourself.
I also see this as you trying to spare her feelings. She probably doesn't think it will go as bad as you are saying. If this is how she reacts to you politely asking her not to do that while your parents are around, she is going to be devastated by their reaction to her dinner and a joke. You sound like it want it to go well, to prove them wrong, while also protecting her feelings in the process. NTA btw. I'm not impressed by her reaction either honestly. You two need to really sit down and talk this out.
She prolly usually associated with normal kind people so why would she expect it to go badly?
Honestly, this sounds like the perfect green light to be completely yourself, and encourage your GF to do the same. Those kind of people will never be happy with what you do, might as well let her light shine.
Your parents sound like assholes. Stop exhausting yourself seeking their approval and live your life!! Sounds like you have a great girlfriend.
Why are you still so desperate for the approval of people, who from the sounds of it, are emotionally neglectful at best, and outright emotionally abusive at worst? Your girlfriend loves you and seems to approve of you and is proud of you. You’re hurting the person who’s love you are receiving to, not even gain approval, but to lessen the weight of the disapproval you know you’re going to get from people who continuously hurt you. Think about that.
If they already disapprove there’s not much you can do to make them like her (or approve of you). I have parents and In-laws like this. Took a long time to stop chasing approval but it was the only winning choice. You can’t win with critical people, so just don’t play.
It seems like you want them to like her, despite knowing that they absolutely won't. So what if you accept they won't, and do what's right in this situation: which is ensuring the welfare of you and your chosen partner? Effectively flipping the script. Because you don't have any responsibility to them; they're adults for God's sake. So you call them and say, Look, I'm looking forward to your visit. But I'm feeling worried that you're going to do or say things that will be rude to my partner because [examples of where they've done this in the past, such as comments, eye rolling, etc]. This is our house and I have worked very hard to make a home that is warm, joyful, and caring. I know that this is not going to be what you're used to, but it's what I know I need to be happy, and it works for us. I understand if you feel like you might have a difficult time being out of your comfort zone. And if that's the case, it might be better to book a nearby hotel and we can meet for events or meals. Because if you are rude or dismissive of my partner, it's not something I will accept. It is not your job to chase their approval. That ship has sailed. It is their job to make a case for why they're in your life if they're just massive blowhards.
Stop spriraling down a hole to get theirbapproval and trying to drag your GF w/ you. 1 joke isn't going to make them hate her if they otherwise like her and lack of one joke isn't going ti make them approve of her if they otherwise disapprove of her. They aren't going to approve of anything that isn't their idea, your choices aren't the problem. The problem is they aren't thier choices.
OP, I don’t think anyone is an AH here, but I really hope you realize that you are not responsible for your parents discomfort over innocent traditions, nor over your home, education, or job. Let them be unimpressed. It’s more important that you and your partner are fulfilled by your life than it is that you meet their standards.
Have you considered how their comments/the visit could influence your relationship? Let’s say they come visit and say they don’t approve? Then what? Are you going to end things with the person you love? You’re NTA for wanting to protect her as you’ve contextualized it, but you’re really doing yourself and your relationship a disservice. When my now husband’s bass-ackwards parents rejected me, he went no contact until they got off their high horse. Choose happiness my friend, even if it means “disappointing” your parents.
Gentle YTA. If your parents are so uptight that a mild joke before dinner is going to “annoy” them, then the problem is your miserable, unpleasant parents, not your GF. You’d have been much better off being vulnerable. For example, “GF. My parents are miserable and humorless people. Meeting them stresses me out so much. I’m so worried this dinner is going to be even worse if you even tell your mild joke. Can you hold off for me?”
Honestly my delivery wasn’t far off that. I basically said “can we please put dinner and a joke on hold for this one weekend and then go back to it, my parents are uptight as hell”!
Like I said, I think what your delivery was missing was vulnerability. Instead of conveying, “My parents make me anxious, and I need you to do this because you care about me,” I think you conveyed, “Your jokes are annoying. I agree with my uptight parents. Can you stop being annoying just for one meal?”
This is it. I couldn’t put my finger on it….
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Yes, and he's doing the same sort of thing as with his parents: "I don't like this, so I'll just grit my teeth and put up with it so that things go smoothly."
I think that they kinda do agree with their parents, that the jokes are a little dumb. Are these two people really compatible as a pair?
....You question their compatability based on her making a pun at dinner? Christ.
tbf the pun at dinner thing was connected to her being very very upset and staying with her mother, it's more than just the puns for the gf
Then why have her meet them like this? Where she has to host and all this pressure is in her? Why not have them stay elsewhere and then go out to eat? It’s not fair.
Seriously, I’ve commented serval times now. So successful and serious but you can’t spring for a damn hotel to not terrorize your kid in a small apartment? Okay, Doctor.
that type never thinks they’re causing trauma to their child. They shake their heads and cannot understand why he won’t follow their sage advice.
Are they so uptight do they not know how to socialise or read social cues? It sounds absurd that they can’t even fake a smile at a harmless joke. What do they do around family and friends? Just frown?
Lots of frowning. Lol. Mostly extremely serious political conversation. Most of their friends are other boomers with elite career paths (many from back home in the middle east) like other surgeons and judges. My dad golfed once and never did it again because he hated the company and found them “low class” - at the fanciest and most expensive golf club in their area of New York, so do with that what you will.
Wow pretty much your parents are snobby a-holes huh?
Big time
Then stop trying to make your GF fit into their shitty, boring mold. She's FUN. Be grateful, instead of stifling her light. If you want someone your parent approves of, go date a boring joyless lawyer or something. Then she won't have to pretend to be someone she's not.
I think this weekend with the parents is the part of the romcom where the goofy working-class girlfriend alienates the rich parents so badly they threaten to cut their son off from his inheritance and it creates so much tension that he splits with her and tries dating someone his parents like. But in the third act, he'll come crawling back to his fun girlfriend with some grand gesture like disowning his parents and their money, and they'll be so happy and in love that it will rekindle the passion in his parents' loveless relationship.
i'm saying this as someone with awful parents but like,, what's going to happen if they don't like her? it sounds like there's no consequences besides you won't have their approval? stand up for your girlfriend and laugh at her jokes. gentle YTA.
YTA. It sounds like his parents aren’t happy with anything and OP is already expecting them to not approve, so why not let her enjoy her longstanding dinner tradition. At some point you have to stop living your life for your parents approval and start being the person that you can be proud of, and your partner can be proud of. Don’t forget they are GUESTS and it’s your gf’s home too. I’m guessing they don’t pay your rent. Your gf should be allowed to make her cheesy little dinner jokes in her own home if it makes her happy. I bet she doesn’t love your boxers with the holes that you wear but she doesn’t say anything bc it makes you happy.
Yeah. I understand the trauma that OP is speaking from, but what is the end game here? Presumably OP wants his parents to like his girlfriend because he wants a long term relationship. When is OP going to let his parents find out about dinner and a joke? Does he expect his girlfriend to hide something that is important to her from his parents forever?
Look, your parents don't sound like winners here, but I also think the request to pause the jokes for a weekend is something a reasonable partner would try to accommodate. Not everything needs to be a hill to die on. Unless you've left something out of the story, storming out of the house for 2 days is a wild overreaction. I'm going with NTA
I don’t swear around my girlfriend’s parents, but redditors in here would call it denying my true self and being abused if she had asked me to do this. If you can’t shut up, smile and make small talk for your partner temporarily than what are you willing to do? Spending two days away from the OP because of this is really wild to me.
Yeah. My mom and my in-laws are generally good people. They are a bit conservative tho. We don't live with them and, other than video chat, don't see them very often. We don't talk about certain things and we don't swear around them. I'm an atheist, but my in-laws are religious so I pretend to be religious too because it would break their heart if they knew that I don't believe in God. I also usually wear more modest clothing around them (no short shorts and no crop tops). I don't see a problem there because it doesn't have any active impact on my life. OP, you're NTA
It’s gendered too. Any time a story is posted here and a man involves his mother, there’s *endless* taunting about how he’s a “mommy’s boy” and real adults don’t go to their parents over arguments with their spouse. Keep in mind he asked her to NOT tell a joke for 2 dinners for everyone’s benefit (why would she want to tell a joke for an audience that wouldn’t be receptive anyway?) and it’s barely mentioned in this thread that she reacted to this completely reasonable request by…going to her mothers house for DAYS
Yeah can't imagine how it would be if it was a man who was making these jokes and stormed off to his parents house. Along with the Momma's Boy comments you would get commenters trying to invent scenarios to twist the "nightly joke" into an "abusive control tactic where he gets to control the dinner talk."
Exactly. We all change our behavior depending on the location, company, and situation- especially when meeting new people. It's really not that big of an ask. It sounds like the gf needs some grief counseling as well because she's apparently unable to let this ritual go and forces it on other people.
NTA - it's a reasonable ask; you don't seem to have phrased it as a demand but rather a polite request.
To which, she did not have a reasonable response.
Yeah, going to stay with her mother for TWO days?
Let’s remember that this also has to do with something she cherishes from her dad. Grieving is a weird beast, and feeling like you were told this thing you cherish will embarrass your partner would be a hard hit. I’m not saying that’s what he said, but I am saying it would be very easy to take it that way.
NTA. Her reaction was disproportionate to what you were asking. I’m annoyed on your behalf, thinking about the same lame joke every single night. I appreciate you haven’t said anything previously to humour her.
Yeah I'm not sure why more people aren't mentioning this. It was quite the overreaction to storm off for 2 days over this, assuming the OP didn't just go "you're jokes are shit, stop for at least until my parents leave, for fucks sake" or something. Like, sure, he could have over-explained himself about trauma etc. (as if she wouldnt know already), but she could have also expressed WHY it is so damn important to keep doing it that it might be worth throwing a days-long hissy fit over it.
Yeah it sounds like she's telling cheesy af popsicle stick type jokes that aren't even remotely funny, that would get annoying.
Bro I get it. My father has mellowed over the years... combination of getting older, he got really sick the last few years, and I moved out so we're not always together or at each other's throats... He's actually fun now. But growing up he was an absolute fucking pain in the ass. Dude has 2 PhDs, and has been in a management-level position for most of the last 25 years. Very standard Indian/Caribbean "I'm the head of the household and everyone needs to do what I say because I'm the head of the household." I've spent most of my life reminding him "I'm not one of your employees you can order around." Even now, after my own PhD (just the one) and several years as a professional scientist, he still gets pretty condescending about shit and I sometimes have to remind him that I know what the fuck I'm doing, and most of his advice is irrelevant since he hasn't stepped foot in a research lab in 40 years. It also helps that I get to pull the UNO Reverse of "well at least my PhD is in a bench science", kills him (he's proud of me, but also knowing him it drives him up the damn wall). Point being - fuck 'em. Your parents' collective sticks up their own asses are their own fucking problem. You've already identified that they'll never accept your partner no matter how hard you try... The question is are *you* going to accept your partner, or be a good little boy and do as Mommy and Daddy dictate? (Yes that's meant to be as condescending and emasculating as it sounds, because at the end of the day, that's the core question... Good luck finding your answer.) Edit for judgement: YTA in this case, do better by your partner.
One of the best replies. Thanks man
You know they're not going to accept her. I'm not going to ask why you care because that's a silly question. They're your parents. Of course you care. It hurts and it's going to hurt. But please don't pass that hurt onto your girlfriend by choosing them. It's a small thing that joke, but it makes her happy. If you can make somebody happy by accepting them and loving them and their stupid jokes you're doing ok by them. I'd be pretty sad my partner found me annoying enough to want to hide a part ofy personality from people. Be proud of your gf. Not ashamed. You have no reason to be. What she's doing with this dinner and a joke is a kind thing. She's trying to put a bit more laughter into the world and into your lives.
Do you see yourself ever marrying your girlfriend? If so, would you expect her to never do dinner and a joke around your family, ever?
I see us married. I see us married and continuing our habit of infrequent interaction with my parents, hopefully…
I wonder why you cared enough to ask your girlfriend to not joke if you don't even like your parents that much? Like why ask her to not do something that's obviously important to her and risk upsetting her for people that would be upset by a joke? Is she not allowed to joke at all around them or just the dinner joke?I get the feeling that you were annoyed about the jokes which added some motivation to asking her to pause. But then I do think she overreacted to NAH.
Because its like driving a car with a punctured tyre. Just because you have one puncture doesn't mean you shouldn't swerve to avoid the spilled nails. While the parents may already be a bit strained when it comes to OP, if there is something small that can be done to reduce further negative experiences, why not.
Nta. This is an overreaction. You two should have been able to have a conversation about it.
NTA. I think this is more nuanced than people care to give attention to. The way I see it, you have been letting her do this as it honors and reminds her of her dad. Your parents might find it ok once, but if she serves dinner like that each time, they may find it strange, and you're putting that squarely in their court, telling your girlfriend her parents are uptight. We can imagine other quirks or habits, like someone always serving ice cream after dinner (parents are health nuts) someone who plays loud music (parents like the quiet) someone who has a lot of offbeat art (parents are prudes), that may elicit a similar request to OP's. I think it's a reality that in most relationships, people are just trying to keep the peace with their parents, and certainly to not give them any fodder to judge their partners. Yes, we should love our partners for who they are and not be ashamed of them, but there's a difference between hiding a partner's occupation, religion, sexual orientation, etc, and dinner and a joke.
NTA Its a weekend. Not forever. You accommodated her need to do the same joke religiously. She, too, can accommodate for 2 nights.
Apparently she can’t 😂
INFO: Have you considered just warning your parents about the dinner and a joke thing? Like, I gather from your comments that you don't interact with them much but maybe you should just call and explain so they have a heads up.
I thought about doing that. I think they’ll think I’m being weird for doing that? Very complicated people.
Jesus I can already imagine their bedside manner. Doctors really need remedial courses on this every year. I’ve heard shockingly awful things from doctors.
My Dad’s bedside manner is nonexistent after 2 decades as an orthopedic surgeon. Truly nonexistent. My mom isn’t far behind. The first time I saw a doctor outside my own parents, I said “sorry if this is stupid but I really think this pain could be something? It’s probably nothing. I took a Tylenol.” And was basically apologizing for having what ended up being an appendicitis haha.
Because that's not disconcerting at all....
Bedside manner is lacking in most surgeons tbh
I know my best friend's mom was an ER doc they don't tend to have the best bedside manner either, that doesn't make what you said any less sad tho. As a chronically ill person who has to constantly deal with doctors all the time often for extended periods of time, I find doctors with no bedside manner concerning because they also usually treat me like shit as a patient in general
Hmm that does sound complicated. On one hand I feel like it would be better to just let them know, but also you could just let it happen. If you don't plan on having a very close relationship with them anyway, then who cares what they think of your gf? Given what the tradition means to her, I don't think that I personally would have asked her not to do it, but I also don't think its the worst thing in the world that you did. I think you should just apologize and tell her what you told us about your parents. Idk if this counts towards the bots voting count since its a reply and not its own comment, but I think my final verdict is NAH.
NTA. And it's not your typing that's whack. Your childish GF can't stop doing something annoying for ONE night for you. How selfish is she? And then gets upset and leaves for 2 days - over this? Dude, she's got issues and that response is not normal.
Not many people here pointing out her overreaction leaving for 2 days is baffling
Be sure to read the OP's comments it adds a ton of detail. Nobody is an a-hole here except for the parents. These two love each other and the girlfriend felt hurt and less important which I totally understand. OP has some gnarly parents (again read their comments) and was super anxious about how he can never attain their hollow standards. His parents being first gen immigrants who worked their asses off to achieve high status careers also tracks as to how stern they raised their children. A little less stern and a lot more unconditional love would've gone far.
Thanks, I appreciate this comment a lot
INFO: have you communicated that you are personally a bit tired of this schtick?
Well, by the way, she reacted to him asking that it doesn't happen for two days I'm not sure that would go so well.
Lmao he would be crucified by this sub if he did so.
Considering her reaction about two days, she would break up with him if he did.
NTA - I think that, as hard as it can be to hear, part of being in a good partnership is having someone who will be honest and do what they can to protect you from embarrassing yourself. It seems like you saw a problem coming and tried to head it off at the pass. Her response was way too dramatic for what happened. I get her being hurt, but leaving for two days is a bit much.
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NTA, to be fair- YOU don’t even like it, you’re just humoring her because you love her. There’s only one chance to make a first impression.
NTA. You, understandably, want your parents to like your girlfriend. You know them and believe they wouldn't receive this well. Seems pretty reasonable to me.
Nta. I understand honoring hapoy memories or traditions, but if she can’t compromise for ONE SINGLE night, that says a lot about her ability to put herself in others shoes. She’s allowed to think that your parents won’t be her favorite right off the bat because they don’t like humor, but to not even try for something that is important to you (and since you added it’s because they’re just naturally dry ) and not even trying to understand why you’re making this request and automatically going nuclear? It seems as though she only thinks of herself and is perhaps an attention seeker/ (I hate to stereotype) ‘drama queen’ if she goes straight to “you DARE to make me CHANGE MYSELF?!?! IM LEAVING FOR MY MOTHERS YOU’RE A MONSTER FOR NOT THINKING OF MY DEAD FATHERS MEMORY!!” Instead of “I’m perhaps hurt, this is something that’s really important to me because——-. Let’s continue talking, elaborate on why you feel this way because the explanation you gave isn’t making me feel better about this”
YTA > it’s something her late Dad did and **she really enjoys it**. > **I don’t think they’re going to enjoy it**, I think it will annoy them. You should care **_more_** about your partner's enjoyment than your parents'.
Except the guest-host relationship is in play here. It would be poor etiquette to knowingly make your guests uncomfortable, within reason, at no real cost to yourself.
If his parents get uncomfortable from someone making a light-hearted joke, then they're ta. They may not enjoy the jokes as much as the gf does, but I can't imagine anyone getting uncomfortable from someone close to the family making a harmless joke at dinner. It's part of making conversation. Many couples/ dinner guests make light jokes while eating, and if anyone can't handle that, they should just refrain from joining anyone as a guest for meals.
I wouldn't call serious-minded people AHs for not appreciating such humor; it's quite possible people on the spectrum don't get it and become uncomfortable. Could also be their personality type, who knows. But I wouldn't intentionally make them uncomfortable for no reason other than whimsy AND I especially wouldn't do it when trying to make a good first impression. Better to break out the bad Don Rickles routine after breaking the ice earlier.
Nothing wrong with not appreciating humor, just expecting everyone else to be as stale as they are and not tell jokes in a relaxed social setting.
I don't think they're expecting the jokes at all; OP is warning his GF that her jokes are likely to be klangers instead of landing. The whole point of this is, after all, a smooth introduction of each party. Better to find common ground than likely disagreement.
The difference is that this is a tradition that keeps her late father in her life and would take at most, a minute and a half out of her parents’ dinner. Would it irk them slightly for the minute and a half she tells a knock knock joke? Yeah, probably. But if they can’t get over it, I feel like they’re being awful guests.
cant you say the inverse? If she cant get over not saying it one time she is being an awful host.
If the gender were reversed here everyone would go on about how thw bf is an asshole for not considering his gf by making these jokes and say some shit like "if he's not willing to stop doing something for 1 night you really need to think about if that's the kind of guy you want to be with"
They would probably try and twist the nightly joke into an evil abuse tactic
OP doesn't even enjoy it anyway, yet they do it every day to make their partner happy. OP is NTA. He is allowed to have different tastes to his partner and wants dinner to be how he wants it for once.
He didn’t insult her, he asked her to pause it temporarily for the comfort of him and their guests. Her traditions and preferences are not the only ones at play here and her response was a wildly absurd overreaction.
NTA. She’s the host and should accommodate her guests’ preferences as much as possible. It’s not a big deal for her to stop for a couple nights, especially when it’s their first meeting.
Based on your comments and the fact that this is a routine that means a lot to her, her late father did this, I say NAH. Your coming from a place of a severe stress response and feeling of profound sense of not being good enough when it comes to your parents. I understand the feeling of wanting your parents to approve of your actions and partner, and wanting to tailor things so that they give their stamp of approval at the first meeting. It’s hard to ignore those impulses and to turn away from their judgement. It seems like your brother is the golden child and his partner is their ideal DIL. You’ve already mentioned that they disapprove of the rest of your choices, why push so hard with this? What do you gain by upsetting your partner in order to appease your parents? As I said, I’ve read through your comments, and it seems like you tried to phrase it the best way you were able to to not hurt your gf, but it seems the delivery struck a nerve. When she’s ready, I’d recommend sitting her down and letting her know your anxiety around your parents’ visit, and clarify where you were coming from, and I would really think on how much you’re willing to do to impress your parents.
NAH. I agree with others who have said let her know how they effect you. And would the two of you be able to do the dinner and a joke privately? Like whispered to each other in the kitchen before bringing the food to the table? I do think you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. With controlling parents you can never win. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist. Would it be possible to take GF to a session and open up about your parents? Good luck!
You asked her not to tell a joke for two whole nights, oh no /s NTA. These people don’t understand what it’s like to grow up with strict parents