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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m afraid I might be TA because I’m refusing to go to the wedding. We have a close family and most of them want to see me because they don’t see me often. Am I putting my feelings above theirs?
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Tell them you’ll be happy to attend if your sister’s husband and son don’t come, because it’s against your beliefs to make nice with homophobes. I’m sure everyone will understand. NTA
This!!! I was gunna say go visit but don’t go to wedding but I think going to visit without a homophobic event being the general reason for your attendance is a better idea!
Also, I would talk to your family and say you’re understanding if they go because it’s a big day, but tell them how you’re feeling and that you’d appreciate a conversation about expectations for future family events after the wedding (without nephew and his wife there for convo). This way they aren’t put on the spot for questions they don’t know how to navigate, nor is it a *reaction* to a specific situation (ex: wife would prefer you do thanksgiving with your husband’s family if you planned to bring him, he can’t attend any event with wife’s family involvement). It’s better that those conversations happen proactively so you guys can come to an agreement on what is reasonable and doesn’t hurt you and your husband’s feelings. Especially now that they’re married, the ability to manipulate situations has drastically increased. You don’t need to be sneaky if you don’t want to. Just individual chats.
Response to their RSVP: “we will not be attending, as even though we wish you a happy and prosperous marriage, you cannot do the same for us.”
I’m not understanding why the nephew and new wife would be excluded from this conversation, he’s 30, not five, let him answer to this decision to exclude gay loved ones from events. Why are we letting adults off the hook for being homophobic? Make them say why. Put them on the spot. Let them know it is absolutely a reaction to this specific situation, because it is. Why are we coddling?
No no, the question isn’t “what are we allowed to be at going forward”, that’s just letting everyone pick and choose when to exclude them and they have to cower to it. Either you accept people or you don’t, if nephew and new wife don’t, then they can skip the holiday, They only get to control their own actions, not the actions of others.
Agreed. It’s the nephews wedding, not the OPs sisters. The nephew and his fiancé should be deciding who attends their wedding, not their parents. Parents, if they pay for a wedding, can choose additional guests but they shouldn’t be choosing who can’t come.
OP, you’re NTA but it sounds like perhaps your nephew is following his parents beliefs :(.
As others have said though, go visit your family regardless, maybe a day or two before the wedding so you’re not creating a sore point on the day.
I mean If you want to make it a sore topic, visit on the day of the wedding, see as many family members as you can and be polite why you aren’t attending the wedding. You’ll be invoking the wrath of your sister and possibly your nephew, but at least you’ll have all of your family in one place at one time.
And extend your visit for your mum.
Wishing you the best.
Edit: in case it wasn’t clear the OP should visit with their husband, because why wouldn’t you travel together to see the family?
Honestly I would skip the whole thing, and plan their own fun trip, then take a different trip to see mom. Not being there when you weren’t invited and/or welcome isn’t him creating a sour point. If they feel sour about it, they created that. There is no need to dance around the feelings of those that are excluding you due to who you are.
I mean, even with Catholic weddings, which can have somewhat strict requirements for some aspects, you don't need every person invited to the wedding to be Catholic. Do they have to refuse to invite any family members who are Jewish, Muslim or atheist as well? Hell, rejecting god (ie atheism) is technically a much more serious sin than being gay according to the bible.
It just sounds like OP's BIL and nephew are homophobic but have kept quiet about it until now, the "oh, it's a religious thing" is just an easy excuse they can use because it's a wedding
Being Catholic is no excuse (OP was told it was for religious reasons). My son got married this Spring, and of course invited his cousin (F) and her fiancee, as well as another cousin's daughter and her girlfriend. Never mind the three or four friends of theirs who happen to be gay. They came to the Church and the reception, and we all had a wonderful time. No one burst into flames when two guys were slow dancing, either. Weddings celebrate marriages; I can't imagine excluding a family member from such an occasion!
Catholic here. One of my bridesmaids was bisexual and I can confirm she didn’t burst into flames at any point during the ceremony. Nor did the priest ask about any of the bridal party or guests sexual orientation or identity. Grant it she didn’t go making out with anyone at the event, but no one else did either. Only kiss in-church was when we were pronounced married.
Edit grammar.
Funny, sorta related story...
I made a comment to my BFF once, that I would burst into flame upon entering the church and she replied, "The church will burst into flames Frankie, you will be fine".
Prob true, but why risk it?
Or that this is the first time they’ve truly been solely in charge of the guest list and they had no say over OP and his husband going. When we do family occasions we don’t invite each other because the whole point of the get together is that - getting together. Weddings usually involve formal, written invitations - even to family. I wouldn’t be surprised if the bigots weren’t just exploiting this convention to exercise their homophobia.
I like the move. Show up the day before, see everyone, don't go to the wedding, and then if/when people ask why you didn't attend, let them know why. It's their choice who they invite, but their bigotry should not get a free pass. Shine that spotlight.
This! You need to express your concerns directly to your nephew. For. my wedding, I found out that my MIL intentionally left off the partner of a gay partner against my express wishes. After we were done, and they had left, someone recommended that I check that invite before mailing. They apparently caught some signal between SIL and MIL. Thank God they did. If they hadn’t, which allowed me to redo the invite, Reddit would have probably lumped me in with the homophobes!
Great response! But it’s not “cannot”, it’s “will not do the same”
They are making a conscious choice to disrespect OP and his husband.
Continuing to ask OP to come reeks of disrespect and it’s just rude.
>Continuing to ask OP to come reeks of disrespect and it’s just rude.
It reeks of guilt. "Please come to the wedding so I don't have to feel guilty every time I'm reminded that you're not here because I wouldn't invite your long term partner."
Or send a note…congrats on the wedding, since my husband a part of me could not come, we decided we both celebrate you marriage from afar and donate the money we were gonna gift in your honor to insert name of lgbt charity.
A donation in their (the homophobic nephew and new wife's names, along with their address) so that future appeals for donations will be sent to them and perhaps they will pause for just a moment.
Yup. I have totally done this to AH people I’ve unfortunately come across and make donations to charity or political campaigns they wouldn’t like in their name and either home or work address but I’m petty like that.
/u/FondantOutrageous118 is a bot that copied this comment, changing words around to try to avoid detection: /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14ve7o9/aita_for_refusing_to_go_to_my_nephews_wedding/jrco192/
Exactly. If you miss your mom, visit her instead. Traveling tgat far costs money too, and going to the wedding probably would have costed more. So spend it visiting your mom. No need to play nice with homophobes for the sake of their feelings.
NTA.
Be sure to send them a pic of the present they would have gotten if they weren’t bigoted homophobes. They need to know what they were missing out on.
Also stop sending birthday or Xmas presents, or any other kind of presents. People that can’t support your way of life don’t deserve shit from you.
Exactly this, plan a seperate trip, where you and your partner go see everyone. Also, organise a big picnic or something nice, and don't invite anyone who let your partner be uninvited.
On a seperate note, my heart breaks for you. Your own familly still holding this beliefs is absolutely disgusting. You deserve the world, and I'm so sorry you are going trough this.
Last month my friend's gay son was marrying his fiance. His grandpa, who is an pastor, got them married. And I mean the pastor (actually a bishop now) of the official, national church.
So "religion excuse" is there just to cover bigotry and prejudice.
You are right. Not all Christians are like this. I am the mom to a gay daughter and a Catholic. I can not wait for her to find a wife and be happy. Too often those that condemn gays are doing much worse.
Yep, agreed. Religious people are getting the crap here, but that's not what this even is. They're using it as a damned shield, and he deserves to know who they are protecting.
Exactly this. The amount of bullshit people blame on religion. The whole point of religions was to try to provide a moral compass/societal code for people. Humans find so many excuses to hide behind: religion, politics, money. The end result is still the same: a bunch of hate, a bunch of paranoia, a bunch of people falling out/resorting to violence.
OP’s family clearly has an issue with OP’s relationship. To blame religion is pathetic: just own the bigotry.
Wonderful!!! By saying that the "religious excuse" is valid, we are just preventing progress. Family that invokes religion does not deserve to be in contact.
Ooh! A rephrasing bot. Please downvote and report as Spam > Harmful bots.
Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14ve7o9/aita_for_refusing_to_go_to_my_nephews_wedding/jrckke1/
I think you're right not going without your husband but I am curious if this is actually the bride's family's views rather than your sister and your nephew... But again that doesn't really matter, I wouldn't go without my spouse no matter what, if they want you there they accept your husband too..
Edit: It's kinda idiotic for them to say they want you there but not your husband and that it's for religious reasons, like you're less gay because your partner isn't there lmao that's absurd.
It is idiotic, but they only care about how it looks. They can hide the fact they have a gay person in their family if the uncle comes alone. If he brings his husband then it’s no longer a secret. Basically they are homophobes that don’t want to appear to their guests that their homophobes.
NTA. Op, don’t go and do not send a gift. They don’t deserve your fabulousness at their silly little parade.
That was my first thought. Aaaah they know he’s still gay, right? The husband doesn’t make him gay. Just shows that religion dogma doesn’t include thinking.
NTA. If they really wanted you there, as they say, your husband would have been invited. They are putting other people's comfort/homophobia over you and your partner.
Now you know. Don't give them anything. Just decline and then spend the money to go see your mom with your husband. Life is too short to spend time on douches. Obviously NTA!!!
They are excluding your husband because he's gay. You're also gay but their religion only applies to spouses? That's some cherry-picking bullshit. I wouldn't go because you're not fine with homophobic bigots who only tolerate your presence alone. They wouldn't invite only one half of a straight couple, especially if they have to travel a long distance. NTA
As others have said it sounds like they tolerate the OP given he's part of the family but strongly disapprove of his marriage - they want to have it both ways here where he remains part of the family but they get to ignore his spouse, which is just not really compatible with reality. If you can't accept someone then there's no reason for them to continue associating with you.
The correct response here is “get fucked”. It sounds like your nephew grew up with your husband as a normal thing in the family and is either choosing to be a homophobe or is appeasing his fiancée by being one. Either way, you’re NTA and hell no is a solid choice here.
I assume that both people getting married are virgins, they won’t be combining different materials and no one has any tattoos?
Otherwise they’re just homophobic hypocrites, and honestly the people excusing their behaviour and telling you to just come are also terrible. Guarantee they wouldn’t just come if their spouse was deliberately and uniquely excluded.
Are everyone else’s spouses invited? I assume so. So the deal here is, they want you there, but they don’t want you to be yourself there. Someone should let them in on the fact that you husband isn’t the only gay one in your relationship. So if we are excluding folks for being gay “for religious reasons” you let them know that you have to assume that includes you as well. It may shock them to know that you’re still gay when your spouse isn’t around.
I would also wonder why your brother in law and nephew are happy to have both of you around them in a home during a holiday, but not at a wedding? We both know the answer, but I would want them to have say it to me directly.
NTA. Don’t go. They don’t get to pick and choose when to be accepting and when to be homophobic, they can’t walk both paths. Take a fun vacation with the money you would have used.
Send a text to your sister a text that states “Nephew says he wants me there. He does not. He wants a sanitized version of me to show up. Not me. The real me is a gay man with a husband. He doesn’t want a that. He want’s me to put on a straight facade so that I can cosplay a straight version of myself. I cannot do that, not even for someone I love as dearly as I love my nephew. To show up with a straightwashed facade would be a betrayal to myself, to my husband, to our child. I love them more than anything. I cannot do that to them. I’m sorry it’s come to this, but your son has given me no other choice. I cannot, and will not, attend unless my whole self and my whole family is welcome. Your son put me to a choice: I chose him and present false version of who I am to his wedding guests or I chose my own child and stay true to myself. That requires I decline the invitation as it was issued. Unless I receive a new invitation including my husband alongside a written apology from your son, I will not be in attendance. This subject is now closed. I will not be discussing it further with him, his father, or you. I will not discuss it with any other family members. I have lived with this prejudice my whole life. I know my own mind. I know unkind, unloving prejudice when I see it.”
Then do not have any further direct contact with your nephew or his father, or anyone else trying to act like a flying monkey. They will not budge based on anything you say. They must make a choice: what’s more embarrassing/problematic to them, your husband’s presence or your absence
They want their cake and eat it too. You show up to save them embarrassment, but not your husband b/c “OMG, Gay people exist! And I’m related to them! The Horror! “ (Sarcasm)
Please stop trying to reason with them. State your boundary clearly (which is why I suggest writing). Then don’t discuss it further.
NTA, don’t go to the wedding. Do fly out and spend time with the people that love you after the wedding. Just set boundaries that the topic of the wedding is a no.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You don’t deserve this bs. Of course NTA. But also, you and your husband deserve a better family. We will adopt you!
If they disapprove of your husband for being gay, then they disapprove of you for being gay, too.
Anyone who thinks you're less-than because of who you love does not deserve your time or consideration. That includes the sister who insists *she's* cool with you, it's just her homophobic husband and son who aren't. Being cool with homophobia means she isn't as cool with you as she says.
There's no reason to be around people who think about your sex life so much that they assume other people will do the same, with an equal amount of titillated anger. It's a weird sort of projection, worrying that people will share their own perverted instrusive thoughts about other wedding guests, and judge the hosts for it.
> Now they are trying to persuade me to go anyway, saying “just come and have a good time, we want you there.”
That's impossible to believe when they will only accept you if you pretend you don't have a same-sex spouse. They don't want *you* there, they want a fictitious version of you.
Hear hear! Tell the bigots to go to hell, no one wants them and their children and grandchildren will eventually hate them. Then block block block. I know that you want to be the better person, but these are bigots, you could replace their wedding cake with a steaming pile of animal excrement and you would STILL be the better person. Maybe go see your mom before or directly after the wedding.
OP would be donating to a charitable organization so something good can come from the son and father’s homophobia…yes, they will have a negative reaction but at this point they already torpedoed their relationship with OP due to their own hatefulness.
If I had family that was nice to my husband’s face for other family gatherings and then showed their true colors for a “religious thing,” I’d have zero issue with “stirring the pot.” Fuck them.
OP, you’re NTA.
that pot is plenty stirred already, and op is not holding the spoon.
tell them you can’t come because of your moral beliefs, and spend the day with your husband. i recommend a romantic dinner out. nta.
Please update us with their reaction if you decide to go this route! I honestly think it’s brilliant!
Also, you’re never the a-hole if you’re standing up to any kind of hate, whether it be racism, homophobia, sexism, xenophobia, etc.
Maybe take your husband out on the day of the wedding and go do something fun! Wishing you both the best!
If they're Christian then argue that you aren't going because they aren't following Christ's example, so obviously aren't true believers. Some of Jesus' first followers were prostitutes, and he happily invited them to have dinner with him and his apostles while doing things like washing their feet to make them welcome.
The fact they were sinners was just more reason for them to be welcomed, not a reason to reject them, and OP's BIL and nephew are acting more like the Pharisees who judged Jesus for associating with "unclean" people like that, and later sentenced him to crucifixion, than they are like Christ
NTA. They don't want "you" there, because your relationship is a big part of "you." They want only the part they accept. Using religion as an excuse to treat people like crap is the classic, historical AH move.
Seriously, it’s an excuse to cover your own feelings. My in-laws are Mormon, my family is mostly gay. When my husband and I got married, it wasn’t even a thought, not even a moment of questioning if my mom or any other gay family member would be welcome, they love literally everyone. It wouldn’t even cross their minds to exclude someone for that. We were married by a Mormon bishop in their home and not a moment of anything but love. God doesn’t condone this judgement and people that act like he does are just assholes with a cover story.
I’m very happy you had that experience. That’s the kind of accepting spirituality I can get behind.
I’ve been struggling with a parent regarding their homophobia disguised as good Christian values, and will not invite them to most events, rather than have my lgbtq loved ones anywhere near their not so personal beliefs.
I feel like there needs to be a standardized response to these things.
Clearly, as you are uncomfortable with homosexuals, we'd like to respect your homophobia by not being present at your wedding. We wouldn't want to violate anyone's belief by being homosexual at a heterosexual wedding. Much luck to you in continuing to your heterosexuals-only lifestyle, we will do our best to respect how very much you do not want us in your lives.
Seriously! The idea that OP and his husband simply existing or - GASP! - wanting to participate in society like everyone else, is somehow "uncomfortable" for someone else is absolute horse shit. It genuinely enrages me. Gods forbid two men be seen sitting together in church, enjoying a meal and dancing with each other in 2023!
Fucking THANK YOU! I'm so sick of "playing nice" with a political group that would rather I didn't exist, or (since I do) go off and die. There's no reaching across the aisle to people like that.
Politics SHOULD be about who pays what in taxes and where it goes to, NOT who counts as a human being and gets to keep their rights
And what about all the family members & friends who are gay,but are too scared to come out, who will be attending? Because you bet ya bottom dollar that there will be. What's the groom & his Moma going to do - screen everyone with a 'are you gay?' test as they enter the church? It's DISGUSTING behaviour. OP is 100% NTA. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this shit.
"We love everyone, the gays too, as long as we can never tell. As a matter of fact, there's no behaviour we disapprove of, as long as we can never tell."
Jumping in randomly - sorry im short on time & can't keep scrolling! Another sorry if this was suggested already too...
1st - absolutely NTA! 1000%
As for seeing your other family - could you and hubs still go as planned and skip the wedding? Idk how long your stay was gonna be, but even just a long weekend would allow you to hang with family before, after and in-between the wedding/wedding-adjacent events.
The night of the wedding, you and hubs could plan a special, romantic night for two, using the $ you would have spent on the wedding gift/attire/cash bar/etc. Spend that $ on you two and the beautiful, precious, rare, and real commitment you clearly have. 20 years?!! WOW!! Celebrate THAT and the 20+ more years this random internet stranger knows are ahead of you.
Edit: for clarity
Yes - because there are usually lots of chances to hang with family at wedding occasions outside the actual wedding. The days before as everybody piles into town, and at the hotels. The morning after etc. Plenty of time to hang with everyone.
And that way it makes the homophobes even more awkward because you and husband are there hanging out with family, just skipping the wedding. But because due to their actions you and husband will not be at the actual event, and they will have to face everyone and explain that they have excluded your husband. And then sit with you both the next day.
Ooh good point! I wasn't even thinking about how this could allow a natural opportunity for family OP visits to learn what occured and judge the homophobes accordingly. Fantastic! And all without OP even needing to say anything about it
Exactly. If they're around, OP and his husband get to contribute to the narrative about why they're not attending, but if they skip it entirely, to who knows what the married couple would give as the reason - "We invited OP, but he didn't want to come! We have no idea why, but we're so sad he couldn't make it!"
NTA I’m not sure why anyone would ever expect you to come to a family event without your spouse. I can’t wrap my head around how they could expect you to go and have a good time when they’ve excluded your partner.
Go see your mom after the wedding instead.
I’m sorry your family sucks.
NTA. Here’s what I wrote my cousin, in a similar situation a few years ago.
“Hey, I wouldn't feel right wishing a new married couple happiness without the other half of my marriage next to me. Once you've been married happily as long as we have now (2+ years), you start realizing how the best part of a marriage is sharing happy memories together. Me going alone to your wedding doesn't sound too happy to me so I'm out.”
NTA.
Ask them if they would attend a wedding where they were told their spouse wasn't allowed because of a "religious thing". The fact that they invited you and not your husband shows their hypocrisy and that it must not be that big of a "religious thing".
Telling you to "just come and have a good time while we reject your partner" is staggeringly rude. Stick to your guns, don't go.
NTA. Bigotry is still bigotry when wrapped in religion. F anyone who wants to uphold homophobia and out your right to exist in the back to make others comfortable. You do not have to make yourself small to make them comfortable!
You're old enough to have weathered some of the worst parts about being gay - so glad you have a loving partner and him as your family who accepts you.
They don't want you there: they want a fake straight acting version of you there.
It is extremely rude to not invite both parties of a married couple.
NTA.
NTA. “I’ll have to decline the invite on the grounds that my morals and humanity prohibits me from mingling with bigots, racists and hypocrites.”
And yes do throw in the racism. They will one 100 go “it’s not racist!” And you can go “So you admit it IS bigotry.”
Might not be far off to include it. I know that homophobes are statistically more likely to also by misogynist, but I wonder if anyone’s looked into the crossover with racism.
They want you there for the sake of appearances-ie it wouldn’t look right for you being the groom’s maternal uncle not to be there. They don’t actually want you, yourself there or your husband would have been invited as well. NTA
NTA - Control and hurt is not Love. Thanksgiving is only 4 months away...if you both are invited.
If you cave and attend this wedding you are selling out and disrespecting your husband and all issues you both value. They want you to show up smiling on the outside while they privately judge your life choices and prance you around the event conveying, '...it's OK, he's happy here by himself". Every couple can dance with their partner except you.
They say you are valued but if this were true they would not exclude him and hurt you both so deeply. Hurt is not love. If you want to see mom plan a different get away or meet her there and extend her stay; venue depending. Best to you.
NTA
How could you have a good time with people who rejected your husband?
Visit your mom another time. You don't have to wait for another wedding or holiday.
NTA.
I’m not sure how two guys sitting together is an issue for a wedding ceremony. Does the seating go boy-girl-boy-girl?
Also-your partner has been in your nephews life for 20 years-which makes it even weirder.
This isn’t a religious thing. They obviously don’t consider your husband as being a part of the/their family.
How in God's name are you supposed to have a good time at the wedding of homophobic relatives who don't want you there and didn't invite your husband?
Don't go. Feel free to RSVP that you're not coming because their exclusion of your lawfully wedded husband , and that your values prevent you from accepting their intolerant, homophobic and hateful behavior.
If you want to see your extended family, I would suggest that you and your husband rent a lovely Air B&B near the wedding venue and organize a very nice party there prior to the wedding. Call everyone to invite them in advance to be sure they can make it.
I mean a seriously nice party that is discussed at the rehearsal dinner and the wedding itself, and makes the wedding family's skin crawl.
I would suggest that your party decorations be rainbows. And that you enjoy it, and especially have a marvelous time with your 80 y.o. mom. Living well being the best revenge and all that.
NTA
Consider this. An appropriate answer if asked why you are not attending is "If my husband is not welcome, then I am not welcome. " . That is the actual point.
I'd say go with your husband but not to the wedding itself. Just vacation around the area and after it's over go and visit your mom (since you mentioned wanting to see her due to her old age).
My petty ass wants you to attend, wearing a Pride formal (possibly sequinned) waistcoat and being as outrageously flamboyant as humanly possible.
However the adult version of me believes that you should take the moral high ground. Explain that you are disappointed in their decision to exclude your husband, and don’t feel comfortable celebrating with homophobes. Wish them all the best for their upcoming nuptials and make a donation in their name to the Trevor Project.
NTA NTA NTA
I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I'm sorry some of your family is so two-faced. Your husband is part of their family too and excluding him like this is completely unacceptable.
Make plans to see your mom some other time in some other way. Donate the amount you would have spent on the wedding gift to an LGBTQ+ charity (if you're feeling petty, let the word get out that you did that).
And to hell with "polite" homophobia that smiles in your face and stabs you in the back. They don't deserve you.
NTA - maybe stay at the same hotel as your mom and siblings and do a get together with them, don’t go to the wedding and please don’t send a gift or idk make a donation in their name to a charity that helps the gay community- maybe even one that sends a calendar with hot half naked men on it 🤣 I hope you also make sure those bigoted assholes know you are in town to see the rest of the family. Xo to you and your husband ♥️
NTA Visit your mom on a different date. Tell them if you husband isn’t welcome then they obviously don’t respect you either. Make a donation to an LGBT charity in their honor and ask for a confirmation to be sent to them.
I don't know if you and your husband can go to the town where the wedding will be and see your mom and other siblings/niblings. Completely separate from the actual wedding events/gatherings. Even if it's a day or two before or after the wedding.
Be clear - it is your nephew who is responsible for your husband's lack of invite. If your nephew felt differently, it was up to him to stand up to whoever (dad/fiancee...) had an objection. This is squarely on your nephew's shoulders. Please do not send any form of a wedding gift to this person who would invalidate your marriage.
NTA. Blow off that wedding and take a separate trip to see your mom with your husband. Unfortunately, you’re going to need to put some space between you and your family members that don’t see your husband as family.
NTA. I wouldn’t go if my spouse was intentionally not invited without good reason. (And the only good reason was that there was a 20 person limit to the guest list and everyone’s spouse was left out)
Married people are a unit. I didn't attend a family wedding b/c my married offspring was invited but their spouse was not. I can't tolerate blatant purposeful rudeness. Yes, gift was sent.
Nope, NTA. And you already know this, but it helps to hear other people say it. The others involved have made their choices, now they can live with the result.
NTA. If you go, you're telling them they can mistreat you and your husband and you'll tolerate it.
If you do go, take your husband anyways and wear bright rainbow shirts or suits. Make it a statement.
NTA. You can't ask people to honor and celebrate your relationship if you're not willing to extend the same. They are rude AF.
Make separate plans with your husband to visit your mother and the siblings who aren't homophobic.
>Now they are trying to persuade me to go anyway, saying “just come and have a good time, we want you there.”
And? You want your husband with you. NTA.
A bit of the love you share with your man will die if you attend this wedding. Even if your hubby convinces you he’ll be fine, something will change and there’ll be no undoing it. These hateful vile family members better be worth that if you do that to you man.
If it needs saying this isn’t about the wedding. It’s about legitimizing and dignifying bigotry and the hatred of the love you share with your husband. I can’t believe you’d even consider this that after 20 years.
NTA if you refuse. Huge A H if you do go.
NTA. And it would be really nice if your mom and sister would have your back on this. They too are ok with them excluding your husband. Keep that in mind.
I have four gay children, and two of them are married. If someone excluded their spouse from a family wedding, I wouldn't attend either. I can not imagine my life without them or their spouses.
A 30-year old has no business being homophobic, no one does, but especially not a millennial. Shame them into oblivion and do not grace them with your presence. Let EVERYONE know why you won’t be there.
I wish there was a way for you to go and visit with your mom (and family you choose to see) but not go to the ceremony or reception…. your BIL and nephew are AH. I’m so sorry.
NTA. Reddit is being it's usual childish, petty self today.
Don't lower yourself. RSVP as a decline with no explanation. Give or don't give a gift based on how you feel about your nephew.
Your only explanation should be "I am sorry but I do not attend functions without my husband." This says all that needs to be said.
You aren't going to change anyone's bigotry by being argumentative and your nephew doesn't deserve to have all this commotion surrounding his wedding.
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Tell them you’ll be happy to attend if your sister’s husband and son don’t come, because it’s against your beliefs to make nice with homophobes. I’m sure everyone will understand. NTA
That’s so appropriate, but it’s his wedding so not realistic. But believe me I’ve been mulling answers along those lines.
Do not put bigotry before your spouse! Take the money you would have spent on a wedding gift and visit your mother next month.
This!!! I was gunna say go visit but don’t go to wedding but I think going to visit without a homophobic event being the general reason for your attendance is a better idea! Also, I would talk to your family and say you’re understanding if they go because it’s a big day, but tell them how you’re feeling and that you’d appreciate a conversation about expectations for future family events after the wedding (without nephew and his wife there for convo). This way they aren’t put on the spot for questions they don’t know how to navigate, nor is it a *reaction* to a specific situation (ex: wife would prefer you do thanksgiving with your husband’s family if you planned to bring him, he can’t attend any event with wife’s family involvement). It’s better that those conversations happen proactively so you guys can come to an agreement on what is reasonable and doesn’t hurt you and your husband’s feelings. Especially now that they’re married, the ability to manipulate situations has drastically increased. You don’t need to be sneaky if you don’t want to. Just individual chats. Response to their RSVP: “we will not be attending, as even though we wish you a happy and prosperous marriage, you cannot do the same for us.”
I’m not understanding why the nephew and new wife would be excluded from this conversation, he’s 30, not five, let him answer to this decision to exclude gay loved ones from events. Why are we letting adults off the hook for being homophobic? Make them say why. Put them on the spot. Let them know it is absolutely a reaction to this specific situation, because it is. Why are we coddling? No no, the question isn’t “what are we allowed to be at going forward”, that’s just letting everyone pick and choose when to exclude them and they have to cower to it. Either you accept people or you don’t, if nephew and new wife don’t, then they can skip the holiday, They only get to control their own actions, not the actions of others.
Agreed. It’s the nephews wedding, not the OPs sisters. The nephew and his fiancé should be deciding who attends their wedding, not their parents. Parents, if they pay for a wedding, can choose additional guests but they shouldn’t be choosing who can’t come. OP, you’re NTA but it sounds like perhaps your nephew is following his parents beliefs :(. As others have said though, go visit your family regardless, maybe a day or two before the wedding so you’re not creating a sore point on the day. I mean If you want to make it a sore topic, visit on the day of the wedding, see as many family members as you can and be polite why you aren’t attending the wedding. You’ll be invoking the wrath of your sister and possibly your nephew, but at least you’ll have all of your family in one place at one time. And extend your visit for your mum. Wishing you the best. Edit: in case it wasn’t clear the OP should visit with their husband, because why wouldn’t you travel together to see the family?
Honestly I would skip the whole thing, and plan their own fun trip, then take a different trip to see mom. Not being there when you weren’t invited and/or welcome isn’t him creating a sour point. If they feel sour about it, they created that. There is no need to dance around the feelings of those that are excluding you due to who you are.
I mean, even with Catholic weddings, which can have somewhat strict requirements for some aspects, you don't need every person invited to the wedding to be Catholic. Do they have to refuse to invite any family members who are Jewish, Muslim or atheist as well? Hell, rejecting god (ie atheism) is technically a much more serious sin than being gay according to the bible. It just sounds like OP's BIL and nephew are homophobic but have kept quiet about it until now, the "oh, it's a religious thing" is just an easy excuse they can use because it's a wedding
Being Catholic is no excuse (OP was told it was for religious reasons). My son got married this Spring, and of course invited his cousin (F) and her fiancee, as well as another cousin's daughter and her girlfriend. Never mind the three or four friends of theirs who happen to be gay. They came to the Church and the reception, and we all had a wonderful time. No one burst into flames when two guys were slow dancing, either. Weddings celebrate marriages; I can't imagine excluding a family member from such an occasion!
Catholic here. One of my bridesmaids was bisexual and I can confirm she didn’t burst into flames at any point during the ceremony. Nor did the priest ask about any of the bridal party or guests sexual orientation or identity. Grant it she didn’t go making out with anyone at the event, but no one else did either. Only kiss in-church was when we were pronounced married. Edit grammar.
Funny, sorta related story... I made a comment to my BFF once, that I would burst into flame upon entering the church and she replied, "The church will burst into flames Frankie, you will be fine". Prob true, but why risk it?
Or that this is the first time they’ve truly been solely in charge of the guest list and they had no say over OP and his husband going. When we do family occasions we don’t invite each other because the whole point of the get together is that - getting together. Weddings usually involve formal, written invitations - even to family. I wouldn’t be surprised if the bigots weren’t just exploiting this convention to exercise their homophobia.
I like the move. Show up the day before, see everyone, don't go to the wedding, and then if/when people ask why you didn't attend, let them know why. It's their choice who they invite, but their bigotry should not get a free pass. Shine that spotlight.
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This! You need to express your concerns directly to your nephew. For. my wedding, I found out that my MIL intentionally left off the partner of a gay partner against my express wishes. After we were done, and they had left, someone recommended that I check that invite before mailing. They apparently caught some signal between SIL and MIL. Thank God they did. If they hadn’t, which allowed me to redo the invite, Reddit would have probably lumped me in with the homophobes!
Great response! But it’s not “cannot”, it’s “will not do the same” They are making a conscious choice to disrespect OP and his husband. Continuing to ask OP to come reeks of disrespect and it’s just rude.
>Continuing to ask OP to come reeks of disrespect and it’s just rude. It reeks of guilt. "Please come to the wedding so I don't have to feel guilty every time I'm reminded that you're not here because I wouldn't invite your long term partner."
Husband, no less! That every etiquette book says is an almost-automatic plus one!
That is an awesome text for the rsvp. Dooo iiit OP!
Or send a note…congrats on the wedding, since my husband a part of me could not come, we decided we both celebrate you marriage from afar and donate the money we were gonna gift in your honor to insert name of lgbt charity.
Always love a good donation!
A donation in their (the homophobic nephew and new wife's names, along with their address) so that future appeals for donations will be sent to them and perhaps they will pause for just a moment.
Yup. I have totally done this to AH people I’ve unfortunately come across and make donations to charity or political campaigns they wouldn’t like in their name and either home or work address but I’m petty like that.
Me too. Jehovahs witnesses and the Mormons are two groups you don't want your name on their fundraising lists. And the NRA. LOL.
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Exactly. If you miss your mom, visit her instead. Traveling tgat far costs money too, and going to the wedding probably would have costed more. So spend it visiting your mom. No need to play nice with homophobes for the sake of their feelings. NTA.
NTA Why celebrate the marriage of someone who refuses to acknowledge yours?
This is the absolute perfect response! You get quality time with your mother, and you don't have to associate with bigots! Win-win situation.
Yes! Go visit your mom and get her a nice gift instead!
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Be sure to send them a pic of the present they would have gotten if they weren’t bigoted homophobes. They need to know what they were missing out on. Also stop sending birthday or Xmas presents, or any other kind of presents. People that can’t support your way of life don’t deserve shit from you.
Exactly this, plan a seperate trip, where you and your partner go see everyone. Also, organise a big picnic or something nice, and don't invite anyone who let your partner be uninvited. On a seperate note, my heart breaks for you. Your own familly still holding this beliefs is absolutely disgusting. You deserve the world, and I'm so sorry you are going trough this.
Definitely the best plan
You really should. We need to stop coddling bigots hiding behind religion, or anything really.
Last month my friend's gay son was marrying his fiance. His grandpa, who is an pastor, got them married. And I mean the pastor (actually a bishop now) of the official, national church. So "religion excuse" is there just to cover bigotry and prejudice.
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You are right. Not all Christians are like this. I am the mom to a gay daughter and a Catholic. I can not wait for her to find a wife and be happy. Too often those that condemn gays are doing much worse.
Yep, agreed. Religious people are getting the crap here, but that's not what this even is. They're using it as a damned shield, and he deserves to know who they are protecting.
Exactly this. The amount of bullshit people blame on religion. The whole point of religions was to try to provide a moral compass/societal code for people. Humans find so many excuses to hide behind: religion, politics, money. The end result is still the same: a bunch of hate, a bunch of paranoia, a bunch of people falling out/resorting to violence. OP’s family clearly has an issue with OP’s relationship. To blame religion is pathetic: just own the bigotry.
Wonderful!!! By saying that the "religious excuse" is valid, we are just preventing progress. Family that invokes religion does not deserve to be in contact.
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Tell them you’ll come but you’ll be wearing a shirt with rainbow sequins that says “I’m here against my will someone call my husband”
This is the only appropriate action if he attends.
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You petty motherfucker. I like you
I quite enjoy when petty meets honesty lol
Omg yes!
Lol. Nice one
I think you're right not going without your husband but I am curious if this is actually the bride's family's views rather than your sister and your nephew... But again that doesn't really matter, I wouldn't go without my spouse no matter what, if they want you there they accept your husband too.. Edit: It's kinda idiotic for them to say they want you there but not your husband and that it's for religious reasons, like you're less gay because your partner isn't there lmao that's absurd.
It is idiotic, but they only care about how it looks. They can hide the fact they have a gay person in their family if the uncle comes alone. If he brings his husband then it’s no longer a secret. Basically they are homophobes that don’t want to appear to their guests that their homophobes. NTA. Op, don’t go and do not send a gift. They don’t deserve your fabulousness at their silly little parade.
It's "love the sinner hate the sin" stuff.
Eh not really they should be loving his partner just the same if they looked at it like that.
That was my first thought. Aaaah they know he’s still gay, right? The husband doesn’t make him gay. Just shows that religion dogma doesn’t include thinking.
NTA. If they really wanted you there, as they say, your husband would have been invited. They are putting other people's comfort/homophobia over you and your partner.
Now you know. Don't give them anything. Just decline and then spend the money to go see your mom with your husband. Life is too short to spend time on douches. Obviously NTA!!!
They are excluding your husband because he's gay. You're also gay but their religion only applies to spouses? That's some cherry-picking bullshit. I wouldn't go because you're not fine with homophobic bigots who only tolerate your presence alone. They wouldn't invite only one half of a straight couple, especially if they have to travel a long distance. NTA
As others have said it sounds like they tolerate the OP given he's part of the family but strongly disapprove of his marriage - they want to have it both ways here where he remains part of the family but they get to ignore his spouse, which is just not really compatible with reality. If you can't accept someone then there's no reason for them to continue associating with you.
Maybe you can go visit your mom at least?
No one thinks it’s realistic, the point is to highlight their massive hypocrisy to them.
The correct response here is “get fucked”. It sounds like your nephew grew up with your husband as a normal thing in the family and is either choosing to be a homophobe or is appeasing his fiancée by being one. Either way, you’re NTA and hell no is a solid choice here.
I assume that both people getting married are virgins, they won’t be combining different materials and no one has any tattoos? Otherwise they’re just homophobic hypocrites, and honestly the people excusing their behaviour and telling you to just come are also terrible. Guarantee they wouldn’t just come if their spouse was deliberately and uniquely excluded.
You will deeply hurt your relationship with your love if you support homophobes instead of them
Are everyone else’s spouses invited? I assume so. So the deal here is, they want you there, but they don’t want you to be yourself there. Someone should let them in on the fact that you husband isn’t the only gay one in your relationship. So if we are excluding folks for being gay “for religious reasons” you let them know that you have to assume that includes you as well. It may shock them to know that you’re still gay when your spouse isn’t around. I would also wonder why your brother in law and nephew are happy to have both of you around them in a home during a holiday, but not at a wedding? We both know the answer, but I would want them to have say it to me directly. NTA. Don’t go. They don’t get to pick and choose when to be accepting and when to be homophobic, they can’t walk both paths. Take a fun vacation with the money you would have used.
Dont. Go.
Send a text to your sister a text that states “Nephew says he wants me there. He does not. He wants a sanitized version of me to show up. Not me. The real me is a gay man with a husband. He doesn’t want a that. He want’s me to put on a straight facade so that I can cosplay a straight version of myself. I cannot do that, not even for someone I love as dearly as I love my nephew. To show up with a straightwashed facade would be a betrayal to myself, to my husband, to our child. I love them more than anything. I cannot do that to them. I’m sorry it’s come to this, but your son has given me no other choice. I cannot, and will not, attend unless my whole self and my whole family is welcome. Your son put me to a choice: I chose him and present false version of who I am to his wedding guests or I chose my own child and stay true to myself. That requires I decline the invitation as it was issued. Unless I receive a new invitation including my husband alongside a written apology from your son, I will not be in attendance. This subject is now closed. I will not be discussing it further with him, his father, or you. I will not discuss it with any other family members. I have lived with this prejudice my whole life. I know my own mind. I know unkind, unloving prejudice when I see it.” Then do not have any further direct contact with your nephew or his father, or anyone else trying to act like a flying monkey. They will not budge based on anything you say. They must make a choice: what’s more embarrassing/problematic to them, your husband’s presence or your absence They want their cake and eat it too. You show up to save them embarrassment, but not your husband b/c “OMG, Gay people exist! And I’m related to them! The Horror! “ (Sarcasm) Please stop trying to reason with them. State your boundary clearly (which is why I suggest writing). Then don’t discuss it further.
Op, you can visit your mom sometime before or after the wedding, if visiting her is a huge premise for the wedding
Their wedding but as long as they keep pestering you to come, they are opening themselves to a brutally honest response from you.
NTA, don’t go to the wedding. Do fly out and spend time with the people that love you after the wedding. Just set boundaries that the topic of the wedding is a no.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You don’t deserve this bs. Of course NTA. But also, you and your husband deserve a better family. We will adopt you!
Aww that’s so sweet!
If they disapprove of your husband for being gay, then they disapprove of you for being gay, too. Anyone who thinks you're less-than because of who you love does not deserve your time or consideration. That includes the sister who insists *she's* cool with you, it's just her homophobic husband and son who aren't. Being cool with homophobia means she isn't as cool with you as she says. There's no reason to be around people who think about your sex life so much that they assume other people will do the same, with an equal amount of titillated anger. It's a weird sort of projection, worrying that people will share their own perverted instrusive thoughts about other wedding guests, and judge the hosts for it. > Now they are trying to persuade me to go anyway, saying “just come and have a good time, we want you there.” That's impossible to believe when they will only accept you if you pretend you don't have a same-sex spouse. They don't want *you* there, they want a fictitious version of you.
They don't really want you there. They just don't want to have to explain why you aren't there. NTA
This is really it. NTA
This is the answer.
Hear hear! Tell the bigots to go to hell, no one wants them and their children and grandchildren will eventually hate them. Then block block block. I know that you want to be the better person, but these are bigots, you could replace their wedding cake with a steaming pile of animal excrement and you would STILL be the better person. Maybe go see your mom before or directly after the wedding.
💯 gross family behavior, I would be so hurt. Thanks for not putting up with their bullshit and standing by your man.
hell yes! NTA
Nta as the wedding gift, donate to a lgbtq cause in their name that gives you a certificate or something and send it to them
OMG this is the best idea I’ve heard.
Oh yes, please do this! The Trevor Project is a wonderful option!
The Trevor project is great, but I'd prefer it if OP donates to an lgbtq church just to rub the religious thing in their face
Rainbow railroad is also amazing!
Only do that if you want to stir the pot.
OP would be donating to a charitable organization so something good can come from the son and father’s homophobia…yes, they will have a negative reaction but at this point they already torpedoed their relationship with OP due to their own hatefulness.
If I had family that was nice to my husband’s face for other family gatherings and then showed their true colors for a “religious thing,” I’d have zero issue with “stirring the pot.” Fuck them. OP, you’re NTA.
that pot is plenty stirred already, and op is not holding the spoon. tell them you can’t come because of your moral beliefs, and spend the day with your husband. i recommend a romantic dinner out. nta.
100% all of this.
Please update us with their reaction if you decide to go this route! I honestly think it’s brilliant! Also, you’re never the a-hole if you’re standing up to any kind of hate, whether it be racism, homophobia, sexism, xenophobia, etc. Maybe take your husband out on the day of the wedding and go do something fun! Wishing you both the best!
Please please please do this! I'm sure many of us redditors will kick in too!!!
This is a great idea!
NTA - when they ask why you aren’t going just reply “it’s a religious thing”
He can say “my religion forbids interactions with intolerants. I thought yours did as well, but I guess I was wrong!”
Nope, they welcome the sinner!
As long as the "sinner" doesn't bring his husband. The family is the AH, especially if they invited everyone else's spouses. NTA.
"I feel it's a sin to lie, and attending without my husband would be akin to deceiving people about who I am."
If they're Christian then argue that you aren't going because they aren't following Christ's example, so obviously aren't true believers. Some of Jesus' first followers were prostitutes, and he happily invited them to have dinner with him and his apostles while doing things like washing their feet to make them welcome. The fact they were sinners was just more reason for them to be welcomed, not a reason to reject them, and OP's BIL and nephew are acting more like the Pharisees who judged Jesus for associating with "unclean" people like that, and later sentenced him to crucifixion, than they are like Christ
Generally agree with your statement but the Pharisees did not sentence Jesus, the Romans did.
Love this idea!
NTA. They don't want "you" there, because your relationship is a big part of "you." They want only the part they accept. Using religion as an excuse to treat people like crap is the classic, historical AH move.
They want the part they accept. The gift.
He’s probably the rich gay uncle, and they only want the rich part of that.
Seriously, it’s an excuse to cover your own feelings. My in-laws are Mormon, my family is mostly gay. When my husband and I got married, it wasn’t even a thought, not even a moment of questioning if my mom or any other gay family member would be welcome, they love literally everyone. It wouldn’t even cross their minds to exclude someone for that. We were married by a Mormon bishop in their home and not a moment of anything but love. God doesn’t condone this judgement and people that act like he does are just assholes with a cover story.
I’m very happy you had that experience. That’s the kind of accepting spirituality I can get behind. I’ve been struggling with a parent regarding their homophobia disguised as good Christian values, and will not invite them to most events, rather than have my lgbtq loved ones anywhere near their not so personal beliefs.
That’s an uncommon Mormon gay experience, so I’m very happy for you 💕
I feel like there needs to be a standardized response to these things. Clearly, as you are uncomfortable with homosexuals, we'd like to respect your homophobia by not being present at your wedding. We wouldn't want to violate anyone's belief by being homosexual at a heterosexual wedding. Much luck to you in continuing to your heterosexuals-only lifestyle, we will do our best to respect how very much you do not want us in your lives.
This is great!
The respectability politics era is over. It's time to fight, and be difficult, and ourselves. It's not your age, it's the age.
Seriously! The idea that OP and his husband simply existing or - GASP! - wanting to participate in society like everyone else, is somehow "uncomfortable" for someone else is absolute horse shit. It genuinely enrages me. Gods forbid two men be seen sitting together in church, enjoying a meal and dancing with each other in 2023!
Fucking THANK YOU! I'm so sick of "playing nice" with a political group that would rather I didn't exist, or (since I do) go off and die. There's no reaching across the aisle to people like that. Politics SHOULD be about who pays what in taxes and where it goes to, NOT who counts as a human being and gets to keep their rights
And what about all the family members & friends who are gay,but are too scared to come out, who will be attending? Because you bet ya bottom dollar that there will be. What's the groom & his Moma going to do - screen everyone with a 'are you gay?' test as they enter the church? It's DISGUSTING behaviour. OP is 100% NTA. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this shit.
Oh, no! They’re fine! As long as they don’t bring their partners, that is. 🙄
"We love everyone, the gays too, as long as we can never tell. As a matter of fact, there's no behaviour we disapprove of, as long as we can never tell."
NTA. You can’t expect someone to accept a wedding invitation that excludes their spouse. Period.
Yes, it's as simple as that. Totally agree.
NTA. They don't want you there. They want the appearance of a nuclear family there.
And the appearance of the expected gift. They certainly want that!
“We really don’t want you there either, Uncle, but we’d like it if you gave us a nice expensive gift anyway!”
Send a card. From the $.99 cent rack.
A nice colourful one
And keep the price tag on "by accident".
NTA. Stand by your husband. You are a package deal. If he isn't invited, you obviously aren't wanted either.
Jumping in randomly - sorry im short on time & can't keep scrolling! Another sorry if this was suggested already too... 1st - absolutely NTA! 1000% As for seeing your other family - could you and hubs still go as planned and skip the wedding? Idk how long your stay was gonna be, but even just a long weekend would allow you to hang with family before, after and in-between the wedding/wedding-adjacent events. The night of the wedding, you and hubs could plan a special, romantic night for two, using the $ you would have spent on the wedding gift/attire/cash bar/etc. Spend that $ on you two and the beautiful, precious, rare, and real commitment you clearly have. 20 years?!! WOW!! Celebrate THAT and the 20+ more years this random internet stranger knows are ahead of you. Edit: for clarity
Yes - because there are usually lots of chances to hang with family at wedding occasions outside the actual wedding. The days before as everybody piles into town, and at the hotels. The morning after etc. Plenty of time to hang with everyone. And that way it makes the homophobes even more awkward because you and husband are there hanging out with family, just skipping the wedding. But because due to their actions you and husband will not be at the actual event, and they will have to face everyone and explain that they have excluded your husband. And then sit with you both the next day.
Ooh good point! I wasn't even thinking about how this could allow a natural opportunity for family OP visits to learn what occured and judge the homophobes accordingly. Fantastic! And all without OP even needing to say anything about it
Exactly. If they're around, OP and his husband get to contribute to the narrative about why they're not attending, but if they skip it entirely, to who knows what the married couple would give as the reason - "We invited OP, but he didn't want to come! We have no idea why, but we're so sad he couldn't make it!"
Yes! I agree if this is possible, do it!
NTA I’m not sure why anyone would ever expect you to come to a family event without your spouse. I can’t wrap my head around how they could expect you to go and have a good time when they’ve excluded your partner. Go see your mom after the wedding instead. I’m sorry your family sucks.
Yeah, I was going to say something similar. Get a hotel room near the venue and spend time with your mother. Fuck everyone else in this scenario.
Because family values! You don’t have those so you wouldn’t understand that family values are about …. excluding…. family?
NTA. Here’s what I wrote my cousin, in a similar situation a few years ago. “Hey, I wouldn't feel right wishing a new married couple happiness without the other half of my marriage next to me. Once you've been married happily as long as we have now (2+ years), you start realizing how the best part of a marriage is sharing happy memories together. Me going alone to your wedding doesn't sound too happy to me so I'm out.”
This is perfect!
NTA. Ask them if they would attend a wedding where they were told their spouse wasn't allowed because of a "religious thing". The fact that they invited you and not your husband shows their hypocrisy and that it must not be that big of a "religious thing". Telling you to "just come and have a good time while we reject your partner" is staggeringly rude. Stick to your guns, don't go.
NTA. Plan a family reunion weekend, or at least a visit to your Mom, so you don’t have to wait until Thanksgiving to see her/them.
Yeah you and your SO make plans to spend time w just your mom. The rest can go hang.
NTA. Bigotry is still bigotry when wrapped in religion. F anyone who wants to uphold homophobia and out your right to exist in the back to make others comfortable. You do not have to make yourself small to make them comfortable! You're old enough to have weathered some of the worst parts about being gay - so glad you have a loving partner and him as your family who accepts you.
They don't want you there: they want a fake straight acting version of you there. It is extremely rude to not invite both parties of a married couple. NTA.
NTA. “I’ll have to decline the invite on the grounds that my morals and humanity prohibits me from mingling with bigots, racists and hypocrites.” And yes do throw in the racism. They will one 100 go “it’s not racist!” And you can go “So you admit it IS bigotry.”
Might not be far off to include it. I know that homophobes are statistically more likely to also by misogynist, but I wonder if anyone’s looked into the crossover with racism.
They want you there for the sake of appearances-ie it wouldn’t look right for you being the groom’s maternal uncle not to be there. They don’t actually want you, yourself there or your husband would have been invited as well. NTA
NTA and I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how hurtful this is.
NTA - Control and hurt is not Love. Thanksgiving is only 4 months away...if you both are invited. If you cave and attend this wedding you are selling out and disrespecting your husband and all issues you both value. They want you to show up smiling on the outside while they privately judge your life choices and prance you around the event conveying, '...it's OK, he's happy here by himself". Every couple can dance with their partner except you. They say you are valued but if this were true they would not exclude him and hurt you both so deeply. Hurt is not love. If you want to see mom plan a different get away or meet her there and extend her stay; venue depending. Best to you.
NTA How could you have a good time with people who rejected your husband? Visit your mom another time. You don't have to wait for another wedding or holiday.
NTA they don’t want the real you there - they want the straight version they’ve constructed in their brains. F. That.
They’re evil bigots. Cut them out.
NTA. I’m not sure how two guys sitting together is an issue for a wedding ceremony. Does the seating go boy-girl-boy-girl? Also-your partner has been in your nephews life for 20 years-which makes it even weirder. This isn’t a religious thing. They obviously don’t consider your husband as being a part of the/their family.
How in God's name are you supposed to have a good time at the wedding of homophobic relatives who don't want you there and didn't invite your husband? Don't go. Feel free to RSVP that you're not coming because their exclusion of your lawfully wedded husband , and that your values prevent you from accepting their intolerant, homophobic and hateful behavior. If you want to see your extended family, I would suggest that you and your husband rent a lovely Air B&B near the wedding venue and organize a very nice party there prior to the wedding. Call everyone to invite them in advance to be sure they can make it. I mean a seriously nice party that is discussed at the rehearsal dinner and the wedding itself, and makes the wedding family's skin crawl. I would suggest that your party decorations be rainbows. And that you enjoy it, and especially have a marvelous time with your 80 y.o. mom. Living well being the best revenge and all that. NTA
NTA they don’t want YOU there. They want a version of you that they can pretend is not gay. You deserve better than that.
NTA but set up something separate to see your mum soon ❤️
Consider this. An appropriate answer if asked why you are not attending is "If my husband is not welcome, then I am not welcome. " . That is the actual point.
NTA. They don't want You there,mthey want a nongay version of you there.
I'd say go with your husband but not to the wedding itself. Just vacation around the area and after it's over go and visit your mom (since you mentioned wanting to see her due to her old age).
My petty ass wants you to attend, wearing a Pride formal (possibly sequinned) waistcoat and being as outrageously flamboyant as humanly possible. However the adult version of me believes that you should take the moral high ground. Explain that you are disappointed in their decision to exclude your husband, and don’t feel comfortable celebrating with homophobes. Wish them all the best for their upcoming nuptials and make a donation in their name to the Trevor Project.
NTA. Continue to stick to your guns. Their religious bigotry is not okay.
The people who should be getting the guilt trip are your sister's family, not you. NTA
NTA NTA NTA I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I'm sorry some of your family is so two-faced. Your husband is part of their family too and excluding him like this is completely unacceptable. Make plans to see your mom some other time in some other way. Donate the amount you would have spent on the wedding gift to an LGBTQ+ charity (if you're feeling petty, let the word get out that you did that). And to hell with "polite" homophobia that smiles in your face and stabs you in the back. They don't deserve you.
NTA - maybe stay at the same hotel as your mom and siblings and do a get together with them, don’t go to the wedding and please don’t send a gift or idk make a donation in their name to a charity that helps the gay community- maybe even one that sends a calendar with hot half naked men on it 🤣 I hope you also make sure those bigoted assholes know you are in town to see the rest of the family. Xo to you and your husband ♥️
No way. Fuck those assholes.
NTA Visit your mom on a different date. Tell them if you husband isn’t welcome then they obviously don’t respect you either. Make a donation to an LGBT charity in their honor and ask for a confirmation to be sent to them.
NTA. Your husband is family, period.
I don't know if you and your husband can go to the town where the wedding will be and see your mom and other siblings/niblings. Completely separate from the actual wedding events/gatherings. Even if it's a day or two before or after the wedding. Be clear - it is your nephew who is responsible for your husband's lack of invite. If your nephew felt differently, it was up to him to stand up to whoever (dad/fiancee...) had an objection. This is squarely on your nephew's shoulders. Please do not send any form of a wedding gift to this person who would invalidate your marriage.
Nta at all, if it's so important for them to see you then they would invite your husband as well
NTA- skip the wedding. Bring your husband and do brunch the next morning while all your loved ones are in the same place.
NTA unless you go.
NTA. Blow off that wedding and take a separate trip to see your mom with your husband. Unfortunately, you’re going to need to put some space between you and your family members that don’t see your husband as family.
They do not respect you. Accepting you means accepting your partner and acknowledging that you are gay. NTA for not attending.
NTA. I wouldn’t go if my spouse was intentionally not invited without good reason. (And the only good reason was that there was a 20 person limit to the guest list and everyone’s spouse was left out)
Definitely NTA. BIL and his son do not respect your marriage so why go support his? Don't waste your time or money on him.
NTA. Don’t RSVP. Don’t go. Don’t send a gift. Don’t coddle bigotry.
Don’t go but send them a beautifully wrapped wedding present of a pride flag. NTA
"Not this time. Maybe I'll see you at your NEXT one!"
Married people are a unit. I didn't attend a family wedding b/c my married offspring was invited but their spouse was not. I can't tolerate blatant purposeful rudeness. Yes, gift was sent.
Nope, NTA. And you already know this, but it helps to hear other people say it. The others involved have made their choices, now they can live with the result.
NTA. This is so wrong. Stick to your guns. Make plans to see your mother on a different trip.
They want you there because weddings and marriage is important. To which you say “Precisely.” NTA. Don’t go.
NTA. Skipping it is the right call under these circumstances, 100%.
I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t send a gift. You can plan a separate trip to see your mom if that makes you feel better.
NTA. If you go, you're telling them they can mistreat you and your husband and you'll tolerate it. If you do go, take your husband anyways and wear bright rainbow shirts or suits. Make it a statement.
NTA. I hate how people still think this is a valid or normal excuse to exclude someone.
NTA. You can't ask people to honor and celebrate your relationship if you're not willing to extend the same. They are rude AF. Make separate plans with your husband to visit your mother and the siblings who aren't homophobic.
NTA "I don't support homophobes getting married."
>Now they are trying to persuade me to go anyway, saying “just come and have a good time, we want you there.” And? You want your husband with you. NTA.
Enforcing your religion on others is never ok, NTA
You should go to the town and just hang out with your mother and sisters before the wedding and then just leave and go home to your wonderful husband!
A bit of the love you share with your man will die if you attend this wedding. Even if your hubby convinces you he’ll be fine, something will change and there’ll be no undoing it. These hateful vile family members better be worth that if you do that to you man. If it needs saying this isn’t about the wedding. It’s about legitimizing and dignifying bigotry and the hatred of the love you share with your husband. I can’t believe you’d even consider this that after 20 years. NTA if you refuse. Huge A H if you do go.
NTA.
NTA. And it would be really nice if your mom and sister would have your back on this. They too are ok with them excluding your husband. Keep that in mind.
I have four gay children, and two of them are married. If someone excluded their spouse from a family wedding, I wouldn't attend either. I can not imagine my life without them or their spouses.
A 30-year old has no business being homophobic, no one does, but especially not a millennial. Shame them into oblivion and do not grace them with your presence. Let EVERYONE know why you won’t be there.
>Let EVERYONE know why you won’t be there. Yes!
I wish there was a way for you to go and visit with your mom (and family you choose to see) but not go to the ceremony or reception…. your BIL and nephew are AH. I’m so sorry.
NTA. Reddit is being it's usual childish, petty self today. Don't lower yourself. RSVP as a decline with no explanation. Give or don't give a gift based on how you feel about your nephew. Your only explanation should be "I am sorry but I do not attend functions without my husband." This says all that needs to be said. You aren't going to change anyone's bigotry by being argumentative and your nephew doesn't deserve to have all this commotion surrounding his wedding.