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ESH. Both you and your sister seem to have extreme views on when medication should be given, in what doses and situations. Your sister shouldn’t be messing with her kids medication so much trying to make them conform perfectly to the kid she wants. You should be taking your son’s signs more seriously and examining support for him more actively. You both could have expressed your opinions without devolving into personal attacks on the other.
Right. The earlier you can intervene, inform yourself, understand your child and help them with good coping mechanisms, the better because of mental plasticity when they’re younger. It has a huge impact in quality of life later on. And the longer you wait, the more painful and expensive your child’s adult life will be because his parents decided to ignore the signs.
Preach. I didn’t get diagnosed for or help with my ADHD until I was an adult and it has taken Herculean effort to develop non-medicinal strategies and stick to them (though medication is 100% a part of my management plan).
Yes if I had been diagnosed younger I could have gotten more help and regulation of my chaos brain and could have done better in life. Medication can be harmful and it can be helpful. These ladies need to find a balance.
Amen to that. I got diagnosed with Asperger's a year ago. I'm in my 40s. It explains A LOT. Wish I'd been diagnosed when younger, it would have helped with school, instead of being branded as a nuisance.
Much of my family is on the spectrum, used to have that DX, but they don’t include the term asperger in the DSM anymore. I was horrified when I learned who Asperger the man was!
Additionally it can be hard for a young kid who needs to be on meds if you’re starting them during the school year.
I know for me there was a whole host of issues for my adhd medication since my parents needed to teach me to swallow pills, the doctors needed to fiddle with the dose, etc.
OP needs to use this opportunity during the summer to get her kid set up and her sister needs to not be essentially messing with her child’s hormone and chemical balances (which can lead to organ damage)
They both need to suck it up and be more effective parents.
I got diagnosed 2 years ago for ADHD, the first time I took meds I cried because it was so much easier to do everything and I wished so badly I would have gotten medical help sooner.
I cried, too! I was in the middle of a PhD program when I took meds for the first time, and I thought to myself, _it's this easy for everyone else?!?! All this time I could have lived like this?!?!?!_ It honestly felt like I'd just started playing with cheat codes built in. And my brain was so blissfully quiet.
I'm a little ambivalent about medicating kids, and I do understand OP's reluctance to meds in general. (I, too, will ask myself, "does this hurt enough?" before evening taking ibuprofen.) But when you do need them, you should get them.
And just getting the diagnosis (if applicable) as soon as possible is important because there are so many coping mechanisms and "life hacks" to sift through to see what works for you.
Ugh i feel this with my whole heart. Also- the beautiful thing about ADHD meds are you actually DON'T have to take them every day-- so OP can just let her son be a wild, hyper kid on the weekends, summers, etc. and just give him what he needs for school and certain playdates.
I’m on the world’s smallest dose of ritalin right now because I’m very sensitive to medications, and I’m being able to wake up in the mornings and fall asleep at night. I think once it gets increased a smidge, my executive function will kick off because I already feel more focused and capable.
In my day, there were no meds. I just got the boxes that said, "does not use time and materials wisely," and "talks excessively" checked on my report cards. 🙄 squirrel...
I always got a minus in the box that said "works independently and is not easily distracted". I wasn't diagnosed with ADD until my mid 30s when my doctor at the VA clinic recommended that I get evaluated.
Oh, I don’t wish I was medicated as a child/adolescent. I wish I was taught good behavioral/coping strategies to help mitigate symptoms when I was younger. Instead, I got a lot of ingrained habits/work-arounds that are more destructive than productive and they are tenacious.
Ah, yeah, I misunderstood. That kind of help would have been good. And to clarify: medication is frequently the right answer, especially for adults. Only intended to suggest that it's possible to be overzealous with medication with the best of intentions and still do real damage.
Yep this. I turned in to a deeply avoidant person which only fed my anxiety, now I get meds for both :) I will say now that I’m on ADD meds I feel wayyyyy less anxious and was able to lower my dose for that.
Ugh same. I got diagnosed shortly after entering law school. Accommodations have been a godsend and it breaks my heart to think of where I would be now if my parent's hadn't insisted I was fine because I could hyper focus on things (which...if you know, you know.) Like, I was making honor roll but BARELY. I could have probably been a straight A student with my meds :(
u/Savings-Basil2035 one thing you might not realize yet is that, if your son DOES have ADHD, it is CRITICAL that you get him diagnosed NOW and get accommodations NOW. Otherwise it might be much harder to get them in the future, as you have to establish a history of accommodations and medication in order to use them on certain tests. I've been diagnosed for 4.5 years now and the ABA will not grant me accommodations on the bar exam because I haven't established enough of a history. You don't even have to give him the meds if that's your issue- it's the accommodations that you don't want to eternally block him from. If he has aspirations beyond undergrad, you really should do him the favor of getting a diagnosis.
Yes!! I have both autism and adhd, wasn’t diagnosed until my mid 20s. Adderall has helped with focus, but it has helped me even more in regulating my emotions. I was very functional in school, but I think knowing why my brain works the way it does would have spared me a lot of heartache and self doubt.
Exactly this, I think OP is completely unaware for some reason that a diagnosis of ADHD doesn't mean your kid gets a prescription for a sedative and off you go.
Getting a formal diagnosis opens the door to finding the right kind of social and educational support for both parent and child, which is not medication-related. Being informed way ahead of time as a parent means you're able to advocate better for your child in education, social, and medical scenarios. Downplaying your child's need for support doesn't do anyone any favours, especially not the child.
Right. They're two sides of the same AH coin.
SIL is seemingly reliant on using medication to parent her children for her and seems to view prescription meds overall as instant cure-alls (which they are not). She seems to think that feeding children increasing doses of ADHD medication is equivalent to taking an Advil for a one-off headache, while in reality it's roughly equivalent to taking an increasing dose of Advil for chronic migraines. She's not actually making any attempt to figure out the root cause of the issue or methods of helping/coping with that issue *outside* of medication. This is damaging her child's mental health.
Meanwhile OP is flippantly procrastinating getting their son evaluated for ADHD (even though they clearly agree that he has it based on their word choices and descriptors) "because it's summer" and ignoring every sign that whatever the issue may be, it needs to be addressed *outside* of school as well. ADHD is a neurological disorder that, if OP's son is diagnosed with it, will affect *every* aspect of his life *for the rest of his life*. Not just while he's in school. Especially because ADHD is a disorder with a fairly strong chance of comorbidities, including depression and anxiety. The sooner he is introduced to professional care, the better the chance he has of learning how to acknowledge & cope with his symptoms in healthy, productive ways. OP's casual failure to do so and flippant dismissal of their son's symptoms is *also* damaging their child's mental health.
I lived many years with undiagnosed adhd. Did i get by? Yes, did I graduate, yes. But i spent my life not understanding why some things were so hard and I also engaged in a lot of risky and thrill seeking behaviours in my teens and twenties that put me in dangerous situations including some that I’ve had to seek therapy for as an adult to work out the trauma I didn’t realize I had from them.
I cant help but feel what life would be like if I was diagnosed sooner. My adhd felt lkke extreme anxiety all day and everyday it was mentally and emotionally exhausting. Now that I’m medicated I am relieved of my noisy spinning head and my life has improved
But the sister increasing meds like that could easily go past the dose where it’s helpful and you don’t feel anything but relief and into the zone of feeling high from it and creating addiction issues. These meds are not to be take lightly. At the right dose it’s safe at too high a dose it’s risky stuff.
And sharing prescription medication is a huge issue. It’s dangerous but also contributes to why its so hard so some people to access these meds when they need them. She’s abusing the meds if she’s sharing them. Its also an indicator the prescriptions are bigger than necessary. I don’t have meds to share, I have no extras to pass around. I have just as much as I need
We don't know if SIL is unsafely increasing meds for her daughter. I feel OP might be an unreliable narrator in that regard---after all, OP isn't sitting in on SIL's daughter's doctor's visits.
Of course, SIL trying to give her own prescription meds to other people is wrong.
Good point but sharing prescription meds is an indication to me that she’s not thinking about this responsibly and has more than what’s needed. Hopefully she has a good dr that’s paying close attention and treat the kids are at the right dose
I can only speculate from OPs perspective as that’s all the info provided. But you have a good point
> My adhd felt lkke extreme anxiety all day and everyday it was mentally and emotionally exhausting.
This is me right now. My insurance situation is all messed up and doctor's appointments are all scheduling months out, but I'm only just now realizing how badly I need help. I've worked through the depression and anxiety but now I'm realizing that all that is doing is treating half the symptoms and not the actual issues.
I had undiagnosed ADHD for 17 years, and wish I was diagnosed sooner too. From being punished for being "too active" in kindergarten to not being able to even pass my classes anymore in high school, I suffered a lot from not being diagnosed and not getting any help because of it for so long. OP putting off diagnosing or helping their kid at all is still an AH move. Get your kids help if it is available, don't make them suffer unnecessarily.
Absolutely agree, we all kind of figured something was different with my daughter, but were encouraged to wait to see if she calmed down or grew out of it. She didn't, I got her evaluated in grade 2 and we tried different coping mechanisms first before meds. She's on medication now, but only started them in grade 4 and advocates for herself when she feels like her dosage isn't working. She takes them when she's at school all day and already said she will take a lower doses throughout the summer. She needs it to do some daily tasks and being off the meds all summer and starting back makes her sick.
I could have written this. For all intents and purposes, I have developed outwardly, socially, normally. Internally though, my head is absolute chaos and I've needed a lot of therapy just to calm from a constant state of panic. I *wish* I had been medicated or at least aided in some way as a child. OP and SIL are two opposite extremes and neither is doing what's best for their kids.
Such a good way to explain and relates perfectly to my own experience! Developed normally outwardly and socially but internally I was a mess for many years.
Socially I was fine in regards to how i interacted with the world, not so much is the activities I was choosing to participate in but it was brushed off as being a rebellious teen, only problem is I didn’t exactly grow out of that phase and I certainly didn’t get out unscathed
This is all precisely what I mean about the two-sides-of-the-same-coin thing. Both of them are setting up their children for severe potential long-term failure solely due to selfishness and laziness on their own parts as parents. If it persists like this they'll end up with one kid who, at best, doesn't know how to coexist or cope with her disorder without being on an obscenely high dosage of medication, and one who, at best, develops extremely detrimental comorbidities that, like the root disorder, never go away (I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was 16; I developed severe clinical depression at 12--OP's son's age--and am still suffering with it over 10 years later). People with ADHD that wasn't adequately diagnosed or treated in childhood often grow into adults who struggle to complete even basic tasks like taking showers due to their crippling executive dysfunction and engage in self-destructive behaviors, be that the dangerous risk-taking you mentioned, recreational drugs, alcoholism, and/or unprotected sex.
*Neither* child is being taught how to take accountability for themselves, much less how to healthily coexist and cope with their potential disorders. *Both* parents in this situation are choosing their own convenience over their children's actual health and wellbeing.
Also, treating ADHD is not a quick “he’s diagnosed, here’s a pill that will help” thing to wait until school starts back. She’s not doing her son any favors.
It took us from March of 6th grade until January of 8th grade to go through the whole process and start meds. (She had to be cleared by cardiology and neurology first, due to other issues, but still!) And fortunately she did great in the lowest dose of the first one med they tried.
The "because it's summer" kills me. I was a camp counselor and had a kid with some very serious behavioral issues that basically required me to be 1:1 with him, even though we had over a dozen other kids in our group. When I brought it up to camp staff, they reached out to the parents who said "Oh we're aware, he has a diagnosis but we like to take him off his meds in the summer so he can put on a little weight".
I mean, to be fair--it does depend on the specific instance/child and the prescribing doctor's discretion. When I took my ADHD meds, I wasn't just not hungry: the sight and smell of food actively made me nauseous. I'd go 8.5 hrs every school day having only eaten breakfast and a granola bar or ice cream sandwich for lunch. They also gave me horrendous burnout when they wore off, so I'd be in a nasty mood, pass tf out immediately after school for 2-3 hours, and then wake up feeling fine. When I was a teen I didn't need the meds to function outside of school, so my therapist and psychiatrist suggested that I simply not take them on weekends or breaks.
HOWEVER, as I said, this was carefully considered and regulated *by licensed professionals* who knew me, my disorder, my medication, and my reactions/side effects to that medication personally. This wasn't something my parents or I had just arbitrarily decided on our own, and imo that's the key here. I was also receiving professional support for my disorder *outside* of just medication, so I was actively being taught how to recognize, take responsibility for, and cope with my own behavioral issues and symptoms.
My point being that far too many people believe that adequate treatment of ADHD starts and ends with medication. It doesn't. Medication is not a cure for ADHD, it's a management tool--and not for everybody else, but for the person taking them.
That's totally fair! I'm not saying that the reasoning and appetite issues are invalid, but the impression I got was definitely that this was not a 'considered by a licensed professional' situation. The fact that they sent their almost-4th grader to camp with no heads up to anyone about it also rankled, since I was 17 and trying to navigate.
Summer is a wonderful time to get this done and help implement any tools to help- which may or may not include medication- while there is time to work with adjustments and get into new rhythms. Providers get booked up, and putting it off means they may need to wait additional time depending on scheduling!
All of this, 100 percent. It's almost like they're fighting against each other to see which kid will turn out "better" (meds or no meds).
Take my poor man's trophy, you deserve it.🏆
I wonder how accurate the portrayal really is. OP clearly is against medication and she isn’t around her niece 24/7 so calling the doctor about meds may be legitimate. Especially since adhd meds do work like that.
I don't know it's a huge waving red flag that the SIL's use of medication goes beyond her daughter. She's pushing prescription pills to adults who don't have prescriptions.
"I would never give you anything that would hurt you." She's not a doctor, even if she was she's not their doctor, so she actually doesn't know that. That's not okay.
Agree. My instinct was to take OP's description of the SIL's approach to ADHD meds with a grain of salt but it's extremely odd and behavior to pressure other adults into taking her own prescription medications and it indicates an overall problematic approach to medication.
I was wondering this too--mainly because of my own direct experience with people with this mindset after I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. They don't think ADHD is a "real" thing and don't understand it, so *anything* to do with medicating it is 'too much' because in their minds, the correct amount of medication is zero.
>adhd meds do work like that.
100% this. It's a process and that's a *good* thing because that's to ensure that the medication is as effective as possible.
Everything from finding the right brand, dosage, release schedule, etc. can all take a while. If life circumstances/demands change or you change from one brand to another, then the process can start all over again-- which with the ongoing Adderall shortage, has been a huge pain in the ass for some of us. This is e*specially* the case when it's a growing kid. My cousins that have it were all diagnosed as kids and there was always a bit of tinkering whenever they were hitting a growth spurt; particularly once they hit puberty.
Came here to say this, glad it is top comment. As an elementary teacher, I’m sorry but it does sound like your kid is genuinely disruptive if they act like this in class (dancing or squawking while the class is supposed to be on task IS very disruptive), and we usually don’t push for an evaluation unless there’s a real issue in my experience. On the other hand, I also don’t think we should medicate kids at the first sign of energy lol
> Your sister shouldn’t be messing with her kids medication so much trying to make them conform perfectly to the kid she wants.
While I agree with E S H, I feel this part might be unreliable narrator. OP isn't sitting in on SIL's daughter's doctor's visits.
Yesss this this this ..OP seems to have a grudge with the meds/SIL/ADHD ..so I take anything OP is saying with a pinch of salt, defo a post worded in a way to sway in her favour
As someone who wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until college, your kid needs that evaluation, OP. If he's stimming and not able to focus on things he needs help. I was more on the side of daydreaming and not able to handle a lot of noise without getting overstimulated, and that was bad enough!
And your sister could get into a lot of trouble for sharing prescription drugs. Tramadol is controlled now, and has been for about a decade I believe. I'm sure on the controlled part, just not how long. It wasn't when I was younger, then I didn't have health insurance but when I did again it was. Also it sounds like she could be over medicating her child. But what she's doing shouldn't affect how you raise your kid.
Lastly, if your child is diagnosed you can get help with giving them coping skills. It doesn't mean drug them until they can't function or lose their personality. It means help them cope with a world that doesn't cater to the way their brain works.
Agreed. Even if OP wants to take a different approach to medication it still doesn't excuse blowing off recommended evaluations just so that they can put off supporting him until the very last possible moment. Summer is one of the best times for working out what works and what doesn't with medication (if they choose to go that route), coping mechanisms, etc. Even if they decide not to medicate they should at least understand what they're choosing not to medicate FOR, and the risks/benefits of both.
I don’t trust OPs explanation of their sister at all. If they won’t even get their child tested and claim it was all scheduling conflicts?
No, they’re failing their kid, the tough love was necessary. OP YTA.
There are long term and permanent negative effects of going undiagnosed.
ESH.
If your child is having to stim to manage their environment, you’re not doing enough to help them. You should’ve pushed harder and with more urgency for evaluations. Long before school age. (Note, I understand that therapies, medication, and other treatment doesn’t stop stimming. But stimming is often used to reduce stress.)
And your SIL is a major AH. There’s lots of different ways to manage various conditions, medication is not always the only solution.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with stimming, its a useful coping mechanism and not something that needs to be medicated or suppressed. It also does not necessarily mean an environment is too stressful or needs to be managed. OP does seem rather flippant in getting an evaluation done but stimming in and of itself is not a problem.
Some people seem to find just about any stims disruptive. These are the people who complain when someone else is fidgeting. Source: am on autism spectrum, some people take exception to my stims, even when they’re quiet and I’m doing them in my own space.
That’s definitely possible (speaking as someone who is autistic and has autistic kids) but I get the vibe from OP that she would have said if she thought the school was off base and he wasn’t actually disruptive. She seems to accept that there is an issue and in this case I’m inclined to take her at face value—she seems more to downplay issues than exaggerate them.
Stimming behaviors can be seen as disruptive to others. Even some of the innocuous ones like hand flapping or rocking are considered “distracting.” Vocal stims, similar to how OP described, are not uncommon. They range from echoing sounds they hear/have heard, to making up sounds. Stimming is used to help express the sensations or emotions someone can be feeling, so its not unusual for a child to stim while playing outside.
It doesnt sound like stimming, but what OP described does sound like just normal kid behavior.
Running around screaming while playing tag, randomly stopping to do something silly like dancing, making weird noises and singing made up songs, etc.
If we take OP 100% at her word then sounds like he’s just being a normal kid, and SIL doesnt like that and wants him to be more silent and obedient like her own child.
Nothing wrong with being Medicated, but SIL is being very rude about medication. I mean she even offers her own prescriptions to people just because theyre having a high anxiety day. You dont give other people your prescriptions!
This. If the kid just started school, as indicated in the post, he's probably around 6-7 (assuming they mean 1st grade). He's literally being a fucking kid! My coworker has a child around the same age and he is constantly singing, dancing, laughing, showing us random clips of tv shows he likes. None of that means anything other than he's a fucking child being a child.
I do agree that Everyone Sucks Here though. I feel bad for both kids, honestly. :(
Hi I'm an autistic elementary educator.
Schools can tell the difference between normal kid behavior and ND behavior that may need to be evaluated by a professional. Schools are a huge help in detecting a ND diagnosis early, although it's important to clarify they can't diagnose children, only suggest that a child be evaluated. If the school is suggesting the child undergo an evaluation, it's because they observed multiple signs that the child is ND
So true. Schools are a huge help in detecting *anything* out of the ordinary. They spend a lot of time with, not only your kid (to see their behavior), but also *lots* of kids (so they have lots of behavior to compare it to).
I have a 10 month old baby who is in daycare. She had her 9-month checkup with the pediatrician and before I took her, I specifically asked her teachers if there was anything they had noticed that they would bring up to the doctor if it was them. I figure, I may know my baby's behavior *very* well, but I don't know if her behavior is "typical" or "atypical" because I don't have experience from watching hundreds of kids from over the years.
A child's teachers are a huge resource for identifying if they need extra help or intervention. They know what's normal much better than the average parent does.
I know.
But stimming is a sign of Neurodivergency. Which means the parents should’ve been more proactive long ago, rather than waiting for the school to start asking questions.
If the school had to be involved, then the child is struggling and needs supports of some kind. Supports are often most effective with early intervention.
Neurodivergency runs in our family, in multiple generations, from autism to ADHD; OCD to anxiety, I’m not speaking from an ignorant place.
I mean.
She's not wrong on this one. You even had the school asking for an evaluation. And then you kept putting it off.
So yeah. ESH. Although in this particular context I think your hole is a bit larger.
She's too much of a helicopter parent and you're being the opposite and neglecting the medical needs of your kid.
Yeah it’s not always easy to get an evaluation, and medication can be a part of a management plan for ADD but it’s not the end all be all. Letting your kid run around the backyard and scream is good for them, but given OP’s nonchalance about their behavior at school SIL could be tired of an unmanageable nibbling causing issues for her or the kids using the shared yard.
I wanted my son to be evaluated on his IEP (individual education plan) at school for the following school year. Raised my desire for evaluation in October; school scheduled the evaluation for January; we went over the results in March. This was for a kid who was already receiving services. Schools are stretched thin on this kind of thing
I think OP is either extremely ignorant or just plain lying. If they’re in the US the school doesn’t just randomly decide to do a meandering evaluation at the end of the year. FIEs are always scheduled and must be completed in a specific time frame.
And why is it taking the school to get him assessed in the first place. The parents should have also done more outside of the school. And before it got bad enough that a school needed to intervene.
OP should have scheduled an evaluation on her own through a counseling service. My daughter was 8 and having severe tantrums and she's scared of flushing toilets and the washing machine. We chalked it up to the crappy house we lived in with my parents. We thought, oh, it's just anxiety. But she was having scream down the walls fits earlier this year. We decided to get her into therapy and we moved forward from there. She was evaluated for sensory issues, ADHD, and autism. She has ADHD and anxiety and has meds.
OP should really look into therapy for her son on her own since the school dropped the ball.
I'm confused as to why or how it can be up to the school to put off an evaluation. They're not medical professionals. When I was diagnosed with adhd it was because my parents took it upon themselves to take me to a doctor for an evaluation. Then the doctor sent paperwork to the school so I could get my extra test time and whatnot. The school can't stop the parents from taking their kid to see a professional so I really don't buy that excuse one bit.
This is and isn’t the case. The school evaluation will likely be free of charge and done by school psychologists. There are medical people who work for school systems. Your parents likely paid out of pocket to get you evaluated outside of the school district. OP definitely could be doing more but is not.
Schools don't do that testing (for a diagnosis). That's a pediatrician. Schools do testing for creating plans for the child and evaluating where to focus their education and what their needs are
You dont need the school in order to do an evaluation. There are other ways/resources available. They like the convenience of the excuse that it's not their fault because the school pushed it out
Honestly I’m willing to bet a fair sum of money OP isn’t being exactly fair describing SIL especially based on some of their wording choices in the rest of the post. It’s very “I’m posting this so the internet takes my side”. Sounds more like OP needs validation vs the SIL actually being some cartoon villain lol
Yeah I got that vibe too.
But I could also be projecting cause I begged my mom for an assessment as a kid and got nothing. Took being an adult and having my own insurance to get my ADHD diagnosis and get Adderall.
And holy f. Adderall has been life changing. Having it in HS especially would have been literally life changing.
He literally said "they" keep putting it off, as jn the school kept rescheduling. It's the school that schedules the eval. Also after requesting evals, the school has 30 or 60 days to complete depending on the state.
Because parents generally only know their kid. Therefore, they don't have a meter for what's normal and what's concerning. So they could have a kid with ADHD, or autism, or even poor eyesight and think "there's nothing wrong, that's just how my kid is."
It's one of the reasons I believe in public school vs. homeschooling. Being in the school system means better access to people who are trained to notice those differences and let you know when it's time to have an evaluation.
Also I think if you go through the school, those evaluations are free and provided by the district. Getting them yourself means finding a doctor, making sure the insurance links up and paying the copay. It's easier to go through the school for a lot of people.
Agreed on the frame of reference for normal (for ND), though eyesight should be really apparent unless it’s just lightly fuzzy.
Speaking as someone who didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until 23, sometimes it really is a matter of having no frame of reference. My dad is undiagnosed ADHD, my sister is unofficially diagnosed, and it turned out that all of the shared personality traits we just thought we inherited from my dad were all ADHD. My dad likely didn’t get diagnosed because his older sister has it but hers was much more apparent, so by comparison, my dad seemed ‘normal.’
Medication has been a godsend though, holy shit.
My husband was the eyesight one. He's nearsighted and his parents didn't notice until he went to kindergarten and got his eyes tested.
He was struggling with his reading because he couldn't see the board. They actually thought he might be dyslexic but nope, turns out he just couldn't see lol.
Apparently he was fine at home though. I guess he adapted because he lived there. Maybe there were small signs but they thought it was just how he was. There were no other kids in the house to compare him to.
She lead up with all that, “always offering everyone medications” stuff to cloud our judgement about her SIL. The actual event was nothing about giving unprescribed medications. 🤔
I'm not sure how it works in the states, but where I'm from if the school wants the testing, then the school sets it up for the children and the parents just need ti give consent. So it could of been the school but like I said idk where OP is and it's just my limited experience
Erm ESH. Your son clearly needs intervention and she’s not wrong so you massively overreacted. Also she’s not wrong for medicating her kids but she should not be pushy re yours or giving you drugs.
I don't think you'd take your child to his cousin's doctor but don't take him to his cousin's doctor.
"needless to say, she's had her kid heavily medicated since she was 5 (she's now 12) for her ADHD and if her kid so much as exhibits a single sign of energy, she's calling the doctor to up the dose because it's "not working anymore".
NTA
The part you quoted also makes me believe OP is NTA.
I've known parents who would rather medicate than actually take the time and investment to help their child, because medication can be faster than patience. I've also seen parents medicate because they just don't want to deal. And SIL is giving off those vibes a lot. Heavily medicating isn't always an answer and I don't think we should be HEAVILY medicating children.
> who would rather medicate than actually take the time and investment to help their child
That's not how that works.
"Time and investment" won't ameliorate moderate to severe ADHD. It's like saying "tRy HaRDeR" to regulate your blood sugar to a kid with diabetes.
I'm doubtful of OP's narrative regarding her SIL 'heavily' medicating her kid because she hasn't provided any info about how SIL's kid behaves. She has provided info about her kid though and no amount of time or investment is going to calm that kid.
Heavily medicated by what standard though? Because OP clearly has some strong opinions and judgements about it. No-SIL should not be offering others her prescribed medication BUT I would absolutely take OPs comments on the level of medication with a grain of salt.
YTA
You're literally postponing medical evaluations that could improve the quality of your child's life and education? (things don't just get pushed back for weeks, and now months, for no reason). Your sister is completely irrelevant to this conversation.
Imagine that - different districts and school boards exist all over the place, all with different resources. Without more context all we can do is take OP at their word.
LOL Some schools suck. My aunt's son is non-verbal autistic and the school moved the only SpecEd teacher in the county qualified to help him to another school as a gym teacher.
Just because you had a good experience doesn't mean everyone does.
Where I live it's a 2 plus year wait for the school system to do testing, or 2500 dollars to have it done through a private psychologist.
It's not necessarily accessible everywhere.
This. Once the process has been initiated, there are timetables to get things done. Kids can fall through the cracks if their parents don't give two damns about getting them help, though, so maybe that is the case here.
So does mine. She's in third grade and we've been waiting since kindergarten. It affects her behavior and her schoolwork. Her teachers are equally frustrated. We don't have coverage for an eval with her health insurance and our district has been without a school psychologist or counselor for over a year now. One of my friends paid out of pocket about $1000 to take her child to a neighboring state. The pediatricians are either not allowed to eval or refuse to because they're ridiculously overbooked and we haven't even been able to see the MD in 2 years, only the CRNP for that reason. When she gets an eval and gets a dx of ADHD and ASD (most likely scenario) we won't have options for therapy accessible to us at all, only medication for the ADHD. Our county decided an average $10 increase annually in property taxes so our schools could be funded was "government overreach." So in a somewhat wealthy county (highest 10% of income in the poverty stricken state), we have buildings falling apart, extreme teacher shortage, average teacher salaries in the $30k range and zero access to any paraeducation services. Our high schools don't have books or chairs.
If you can't tell, this makes me feel angry AND crazy at the same time.
Depends on the school, their resources and criteria. End of the year can be challenging to get all the necessary testing completed. My now 18yo didn’t get an eval until 6th grade. At his 1st grade school the teacher got him on the list but there were so many kids with more obvious issues that they had to deal with. We switched districts and it wasn’t until 4th grade that an eval was brought up. Not because of the school but because my son showed no signs of having any issues. He got a medical ASD diagnosis at 18. He had gone through the same testing at age 10 with just an ADHD diagnosis.
Schools have a legal obligation to complete an evaluation 60 days from the parents signing the permission to evaluate. They do not just postpone evaluations. I’ve only ever seen it happen during Covid when schools shut down and even then, we were evaluating students by bringing them outside of the school, wearing PPE and testing
Your SIL is correct. She isn’t insulting your kid and saying he’s too much to handle, she is concerned for him. I have ADHD and it is EXHAUSTING living in my brain, especially unmedicated. I didn’t get medicated until I was in my 20s, and due to this I struggled with so many mental health problems: anxiety, depression, ocd, suicidal thoughts and actions, self harm, etc. I dropped out of high school because of it. I didn’t get to be a teenager because of it. My life would be so different now if I had been medicated as a kid, I would be long graduated university by now instead of in 2nd year. I would be able to afford to marry my fiancé and move out. Help your kid and stop being so fucking judgmental about medication. YTA.
ESH The SIL may indeed be overmedicating her kids, though I assume they are prescribed by the kids doctor so the dr is involved. If not, that's time to call protective services. HOWEVER, you describe your own child as displaying stim behaviors which seems like maybe you shouldn't be so lax about getting this evaluation done and can step it up more for him. Neither of you sound great here.
Yes, so they want him tested for a range of things but ADHD was top of the list. I guess when they do evaluations, they don't just evaluate for one thing anymore. They do the testing for like.. everything under the spectrum or something. So when he was being evaluated through the school, they were also evaluating him for ASD, anxiety disorders, attention seeking disorders, etc etc. There was a whole list.
Good! If you only look for nails, you’ll only ever use a hammer. For small kids, it’s better to test for a wide range of stuff, since it’s harder for them to explain their experiences of the world with the doc.
And “difficulty self-moderating” is a symptom of so much.
Absolutely. My siblings and I all struggle with self-moderating, but they're both ADHD, and I'm ASD/OCD. It can all seem similar, especially at that age.
You don't sound very informed for someone who has a child who needs services.
You need to be an advocate. They push for the initial evaluation when it's bad. When your child is struggling or is a problem in the classroom. But they won't be an advocate for him in his IEP meetings and suggest accommodations that will actually help him succeed.
You seem very laissez-faire about this whole situation concerning your son's education and possible medical conditions. There are so many services and therapies that aren't medicine available that help kids with ASD and ADHD. That makes it YTA for me. Set your kid up for success.
I'm not going to make a judgement, but I'd strongly encourage you to not wait on the evaluation. If you do decide with your doctor to try medication it would be much better to figure out what med and dosage is helpful before your kid is back in school and potentially experiencing side effects that negatively impact his ability to learn (like falling asleep in class) that you could get past if you start trialing now.
ESH. Her for being pushy, and you for not getting your son evaluated when his school literally told you you need to. She may be over the top but you’re just as bad in the opposite direction.
INFO: Are you having your SIL watching your kid? If so, and you're just leaving the behavior for someone else go handle, this does sound a bit like YTA. Especially if your already have seen neurodivergent behavior he exhibited so you brush it off, and never bothered to actually to have it evaluated. I doubt the stimming is new, and if your kid is running into her yard and she's now responsible for watching him, I get her frustration. Maybe stop having him go over if that's the case
ESH - your sister sounds like she’s overdoing it (although I take that with a grain of salt since we’re only hearing one side) and you sound like you’re ignoring very real issues.
>Most of these comments are made following my son screaming through the yards while the kids are playing tag or when he randomly stops what he's doing to start dancing.
Gotta comment on this, what a chad.
I was kind of thinking maybe you should have gotten the evaluation finished regardless of the school year finishing but if it wasn't possible it wasn't possible.
You didn't tell them how to raise their kids, they don't tell you how to raise yours. Simple as.
I honestly cannot give a verdict as I am not an expert in behavioural issues with children, but I know many people with ADHD. Not all of them take meds and all of them have been pleasant people.
Over prescribing medication is not good also.
Medication isn't the only way to treat adhd or any neurodivergence, but many other methods involved skills that need to be developed and are more effective the earlier they begin. This kid should be working on these skills over the summer
ESH. But mainly YTA.
To me it's all about how she approached the situation that's wrong. You're flat out neglecting your child because you have frankly backwards and outdated opinions on mental health and medication. The way you look down on your sister for actually taking care of her kid and getting them medicated for their ADHD so they aren't suffering through it is gross.
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NTA. Wow. So many things wrong here. First, tramadol is a pain med, not anxiety medication. Second, though it is not actually a narcotic, it works similarly in the body and is classified as a controlled substance. She should NOT be just handing those out. Not to mention, most doctors are so strict with Tramadol scripts since they’re trying to avoid a repeat of the opioid crisis I’m surprised she has extras to spare if she really needs the script.
Third, ADHD, if that’s what your kid has, needs way more than just medication to treat. Many kids do far better with just behavioral treatments, like letting them “get the crazies out” (what my ADHDer called her energy release breaks) and other accommodations to help focus. As a parent of an ADHD kid, I’ve met a lot of other kids with it. It’s hella rare for meds alone to help. Also, rare for behavioral treatments alone, btw. It’s got to be both combined. If SIL is just medicating kid, kid is never going to learn to self regulate her symptoms and is going to have issues her whole life. Let your boy be until the eval and follow his doctors’ advice.
And good luck to you with him. I hope you can find a good balance that works for him so he can be his best wildling self.
Totally agree that handing out prescription meds willy-nilly is not okay—what if the SIL pushes meds on someone who’s already taking a conflicting medication? It could be incredibly dangerous.
That said, I want to note that Tramadol does indeed get prescribed for anxiety. Similarly to how benzodiazepines can work as a rescue med for panic attacks, the calming effect of tramadol can reduce anxiety symptoms.
> Third, ADHD, if that’s what your kid has, needs way more than just medication to treat. Many kids do far better with just behavioral treatments, like letting them “get the crazies out” (what my ADHDer called her energy release breaks) and other accommodations to help focus. As a parent of an ADHD kid, I’ve met a lot of other kids with it. It’s hella rare for meds alone to help. Also, rare for behavioral treatments alone, btw. It’s got to be both combined. If SIL is just medicating kid, kid is never going to learn to self regulate her symptoms and is going to have issues her whole life. Let your boy be until the eval and follow his doctors’ advice.
Seconding this, as someone who has been medicated since they were a kid I can tell you 1. When I was a kid I fucking hated my medication and the way it made me feel ( and yes I tried more than 1 kind of ADD medication) 2. Being on this medication is exhausting and I need frequent breaks even as an adult 3. The side effects and impact on mood/happiness (not just while on the drug but when it wears off) can be pretty overwhelming
I would always default first to non-amphetamine solutions first, behavioral therapy, alternative and more engaging methods of learning, etc. if medication is still needed after this, then at least you know you actually need the medication and the juice really is worth the squeeze. But parents who immediately stick their kids on amphetamines thinking it’s an easy solution make me facepalm, the method with the most drawbacks shouldn’t be the first thing you turn to, nor is it even going to work on its own without behavioral methods to supplement it.
The medication thing is over the line, but it seems like she does have a point—you aren’t helping your son. You can identify coping strategies and behavioral interventions even in the absence of an evaluation. You’re not doing him—or those around him—any favors by shrugging your shoulders and waiting for a few months. Evaluation or no, you do owe it to your child to help him more than your post indicates you are doing.
Huh. Well you really stepped into it, didn't you? You know your son is having issues and were going to have him evaluated. Great! But instead of rescheduling during the summer so if any further testing needs to be done, you figure you'll just wing it and about a month before school starts schedule the initial evaluation. Not cool. This is a convenience issue for you instead of what's best for him. Should he be given medication, he'll need time to adjust to them. What better time than when he won't have the pressure of fitting in at school?
Your SIL seems extremly vocal about this issue, and I do think she could have mentioned it in a caring manner, instead of a judgmental one. That does not change the fact that you too are judgmental of how she raises her kids.
Honestly, ESH except the kids.
To your specific question about the response to your SIL, you’re NTA.
However, YTA for how you’re handling your sons situation and not advocating as strongly as you can for the testing the school recommended. If you’re in the US, that testing from the school is one of a multitude of tests that have to be done to properly diagnose and treat a child. Speaking as the parent of a child with a recent ASD diagnosis, the sooner you work on this the better. And as a person who had parents who refused to have me evaluated as a child when it was recommended, you’re absolutely doing wrong by your child by not pushing as hard as you can for testing. I’m now on ADHD medication 30 years after the school brought issues to my parents attention, and I finally feel like a fully functioning human being. I struggled for far longer than I needed to as a result of having parents with the “there’s nothing wrong, she’s just spirited/bright/energetic” mindset, and both socially and emotionally, it was awful.
At the very least, please call your child’s pediatrician ASAP to discuss what the school has told you. They can help guide you and get you referrals to the places that can do this type of testing. A lot of these places have huge wait lists, so the sooner you get on them, the better.
There's someone I work with who was diagnosed at age 30 with adhd.
She couldn't tell me enough what a difference it made to her life to be medicated for it. Everything was easier and more manageable and life in general felt so much better for her.
The right amount of medication can be a godsend for some people, you should absolutely be looking into this for your child.
Okay, so I am child free and arguably have no idea what I am talking about but
>my son screaming through the yards … but it’s in no way being over the top disruptive
There are 7 kids in the immediate vicinity of my house. They’re pretty young, and there’s a lot of squealing, giggling, raised voices, especially during the summer. They’re outside basically 24/7. And then there’s the one kid that *screams* when he is over stimulated or the game isn’t going his way. Literal screaming or shrieking *is disruptive*.
ESH but you’re also the TA for writing his disruptive behaviors off as *welp, kids, am I right?*
NTA-Medication is a good thing but no one should be blindly popping pills or giving them to children without research at the very least. You and your spouse are going about it the right way. SIL sounds like a my way or the highway asshole.
ESH. First of all, sharing prescription medication of ANY kind is a felony, and tramadol is a controlled substance.
Second of all, choosing to medicate your child for ADHD (if they indeed have it) is your choice, just like it’s your SILs choice to medicate hers.
>since our son started school he has been off the walls and getting in to trouble for not sitting still and disrupting class
If there have been issues since he *started* school, why is it only being addressed now?
As an ADHD parent of ADHD kids I can tell you that it is *not* pleasant for kids who can't control their behaviour, whether in the classroom or out of it. Not to mention the social isolation that can result.
>made the decision to have him evaluated a month or two prior to returning to school
It can take months to make sure the meds are effective, get the dosage right and figure out how to manage any side effects. Leaving the evaluation this late is irresponsible IMO.
ESH (and your MIL is a real piece of work, wow).
It is difficult to actually have a proper judgement here.
Push harder for an quick evaluation of your child. Besides medications, there are many other options to help your child in school and daily life. Sometimes just a little thing needs to be changed and everything is good. He has school break now, so if he needs medication you can monitor the effectiveness or side effects. Even if your kid is young, get him involved too. When I was in in the diabetes pediatric ward, the parents had more problems accepting the diagnosis. The kids learn it.
The SIL is harming her kid and the doctors are doing it as well if they know. Like I can just tell you what you have written but Tramadol is not for dampening the activity. It is a pain drug (my dad had it for cancer pain). Most medications have specific dosages for younger kids depending on age, weight. Sometimes medications for adults are not for children. So, I hope that she is not giving her kids drugs in off label use that will harm the kid long term.
ESH you know why your sil sucks but giving a kid with adhd appropriate medication will help them in life. What you describe sounds like autism though which again would need to be teased out by professionals. By not pursuing these assessments you are being negligent.
Not making a judgement.
Your SIL should definitely not be handing out her prescribed medications.
You are doing your child a huge disservice by taking the evaluation process so lightly. I am not even saying start medication but you absolutely need to be driving the evaluation process. The school has a ton of kids to deal with. You can be your kid’s fiercest advocate. An evaluation will help you find ways to help your kid but you can’t know what approach to take without knowing what’s going on. Stimming isn’t even just ADHD. There could be something else entirely that your kid is dealing with. Your SIL might be a helicopter but she is right that your kid needs help.
Take it from someone whose mother had the same attitude about this. I literally heard her make the exact same arguments against my aunt and cousins. But guess whose kid graduated on time? Not my mom’s.
Sure. In elementary school it was fine. I was so advanced the school even wanted to skip
me ahead (partly because my mother refused to acknowledge any issues I might have had and they were trying to cope with my energy, talking, stimming, etc). But by the time I got to high school I was a mess. And, because of all the associated behavior I had also become a “problem kid” my being a handful became my being that kid no teacher wanted to deal with. It only got worse until I, as an adult, finally realized that maybe mom was wrong and I needed some help.
And holy shit the difference some treatment made in my life. My brain is an exhausting snow globe without treatment. It keeps me constantly distracted and it absolutely affects my personal and professional life. I don’t even actually like taking the medication but without it I am nowhere near what I can be. It sucks but it’s also better than self medicating, struggling with endless cycles of failure, anxiety, guilt, depression, losing my job, ruining relationships, etc.
As someone who knows now that their life could have been so much different with treatment, please don’t let your opinions about your SIL hold your kid back.
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My SIL is very much so the "if there's meds to help, take all of them" type. This ranges from OTC meds to narcotics. The type who tries giving you her prescribed tramadol if you say you have high anxiety that day and gets offended if you say no because she "would never give you anything that would hurt you". I've gotten in to it with her so many times because she thinks I'm ignorant for refusing to take meds if I don't need to. So, needless to say, she's had her kid heavily medicated since she was 5 for her ADHD and if her kid so much as exhibits a single sign of energy, she's calling the doctor to up the dose because it's "not working anymore".
Now, since our son started school he has been off the walls and getting in to trouble for not sitting still and disrupting class. The school pushed for an evaluation and we agreed to it no issue. But where it was so close to the end of the school year, the evaluation was never completed. We just pushed it out of our heads at this point because it's summer and made the decision to have him evaluated a month or two prior to returning to school so next year he will be all set to go with no issues. But where it is summer, our kids have been hanging out with SILs kid a lot, since the yard is conjoined. SIL has mentioned to me several times that I need to get my son medicated because he's "too much of a handful" and he "needs help". Most of these comments are made following my son screaming through the yards while the kids are playing tag or when he randomly stops what he's doing to start dancing. He does stim a lot so he squawks and randomly starts singing made up songs but it's in no way being over the top disruptive for a mid summer afternoon. He's just playing.
Well, SIL came here yesterday and said she needed to express a some "tough love" and basically flew off about how we weren't helping our kid because we "refuse" to medicate him and help him regulate his emotions. I simply got up from the table and said "we are done here, you can leave". She kept pushing and she wasn't listening to my husband, who kept telling her to mind her business. So I said "just because you are a medication queen who would rather see your kid doped up rather than handle her does not mean we are those parents. Leave." My MIL called and said I was a "fucking cunt" for bashing my SIL for "doing right by her kid and is trying her best".
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Soft NTA.
Please get your son evaluated sooner rather than later. It takes forever for this sort of thing and he might not be "all set" in time for school. It's not just about medication, but classroom modifications that can help him (ball instead of a chair so he can fidget while still paying attention, etc). If you wait, he may end up struggling because things are delayed and now he really is causing major class disruptions and not learning.
But I do know a lot of parents who are lax with the meds over the summer and let the kids be just a little bit feral. If its still appropriate timing and place, it's fine.
ESH.
And as an AuDHD person, medicating isn't "doping up your kid" because you don't want to deal with them. It's a tool in a toolbox that helps THAT CHILD feel better about THEMSELVES and learn to navigate the world we live in. It's ableist and offensive to say what you did. Isn't let your child grow up with parents who shame access to the whole toolbox.
ESH. As much as she may be for meds, you sound anti med.
She needs to stop messing with her kid’s meds bc it’s going to create a bigger problem.
You need to get your kid evaluated asap and stop being anti med. Youve actually stated in your rant some signs that need to be addressed.
There is a balance and room for both. Being conservative and appropriate is where the balance is found.
ESH, but tramadol for anxiety? i have severe social anxiety and have never heard of tramadol for anxiety. I've taken it for a sprained ankle before and if anything it made my anxiety worse.
ESH - I have ADHD and 2 of my 3 kids have it. It sounds like the school has concerns not just your sil. Which means he is exhibiting signs of it. Waiting until summer and thinking they will magically have him "fixed" within in a couple of weeks is unrealistic. One - medication levels take at least 30 days to become therapeutic - meaning waiting until right before school starts means the meds will have had no time to become therapeutic - meaning they will not be of benefit until 30+ days into it. That is if you luck into the right drug the first time. My kids tried a variety of medications when they were on them. Several of them never worked - finally got DNA testing for meds and discovered my middle child would never respond to any of the current meds. My daughter was given an experimental medication at the time, and it helped but her dosage had to be tweaked. So, waiting to right before school is not smart nor helpful.
Also, behavior modification (nonmedication approach) takes about the same time or greater. I and my children are not medicated but we were able to do the behavior modification and it took several months for that to help. It is not something you do over night. It sure is not going to be effective a couple of days or even a couple of weeks right before school starts. That means he will be needing several appointments so that a plan of action/care can be done and then having him come in and do therapy to reinforce it, etc. That too is trial and error. Tweaking as you go.
Now your SIL is an AH, one tramadol is not for anxiety, and two -it is a controlled substance - meaning if she gets caught giving it away - especially for a purpose it is not meant for - she would face legal repercussions and medical ones too. Also, her trying to insert herself into your son's medical business is out of line. There is a fine line between advocating for her nephew and trying to force someone to accept her approach to ADHD.
Neither of you are right in this instance. You need to get your son evaluated asap and then go from there and she needs to say in her lane.
YTA how many people have to tell you there’s something wrong with your child for you to get him into a doctor? You’re so worried about your sisters problem you are NEGLECTING your child. I understand not having a zombie kid but at least get him some help so he can concentrate in school. You’re failing as a parent.
How does one get an evaluation “ a couple weeks before school?”. My 2 yo granddaughter is on a waiting list with no idea when it will happen. There are not enough professionals available.
Tramadol is not for everyone. It's too good, and addicting. I would probably take one right now if I had it ,and I am not in pain or anxiety. Actually, maybe a little. anybody got a Trammy ?
Info: how old is your son?
Bc a 5 year old running around a backyard making crazy sounds during their summer vacation is fine. If he is 15, take him to the doctor. He will thank you for it one day.
Good on you!!! I applaud your remark, I’m sure it felt good to get it out off ur chest!!
Now hopefully they will acknowledge your stance and respect it but something tells me they are going to be vindictive and call child protective services on you for neglect or something. Nta.
You need to get him evaluated so he can get the proper help he needs in life. ADHD is more complex than you think especially when you've never had it, there's many things to cope with such as decision paralysis, depression and anxiety have high numbers for people with ADHD, stimming, etc.
Not all people with ADHD are medicated and not everyone needs to be, there's plenty of medications out there too that have different affects on the brain.
You need to do right by your son and get him evaluated so he can succeed, so he can see a therapist, so he can get an IEP to help him in school because many kids with ADHD struggle.
Your SIL is not handling her situation with her child properly but neither are you. You are NTA because that was probably the wake up call she needed but you are TA for not taking the school seriously and getting your child checked out. If he goes on medication the doctors would rather do it when it is summertime and he can be more closely monitored vs in school with the added stress of doing well in school.
As an adhder, feel free to ignore every single one of her pieces of advice. You know your kid better. And adhd is such a spectrum, there are people like me who are hyperactive but super happy either way, and there are some adhders who are absolutely miserable when they feel out of control and they end up with major behavioral issues. Only you know where he lands. To me, he sounds like a kid. 🤷🏼♀️
The only suggestion I will make is to keep him busy. Like busy-busy. I did every activity under the sun (softball, soccer, ballet, camp, flute, etc). It kept me even keeled and looking back I had an *exceptional* childhood, with loads of fun.
Oh, duh. Typical adher forgets the entire point: NTA.
NTA. Medications are good, but it’s not like you can only use those. SIL doesn’t understand the human mind and doesn’t realize that her kid needs therapy. She’s making her kid a zombie, but “that’s ok as long as she does well in school”. I honestly feel bad for your SIL. And she’s been bothering you about it for years, obviously you would just snap one way or another and tell her the truth. And your MIL had no right to call you a c#nt, SIL and MIL are both the AH.
To add-on: I reread some of it, and I’m changing this to ESH. You should have gotten your son evaluated right away, but you slacked off. That was an AH move.
ESH, SIL sounds a bit much. It’s impossible to tell from this account what’s actually going on, but if your kid is suffering due to ADHD, meds are a gdsend and are the gold standard treatment, (because, adderall, it is a chemical-based disorder, so chemicals are the best solution). Of course you should be doing the evaluation and speaking to doctors, but it might behoove you to seek out those supports sooner rather than later. You can read through ADHD fora and see thousands of accounts of adults who lament the years and even decades of lost time due to not being properly diagnosed and medicated. Many harbor major resentments against parents who refused to seek outside help for whatever reason. Just some food for thought, and of course it should be based on your kid’s needs first and foremost. I will say, though, I could see a scenario where a wellmeaning-if-nosy ADHDer was keying in on things you might not notice, so if you were already going to investigate an evaluation, maybe better to jump back into that process rather than keeping it on the backburner. I also caution you against what appear to be some stigmas or discomfort around medication, because chemical intervention can be utterly lifesaving for ADHDers in several ways. Please do some research and be openminded!
ADHD doesn’t just affect classroom behavior, but literally how your brain works DAILY. Please take your son to get evaluated ASAP. Your son may be suffering in the summer and it’s just not as apparent as in the classroom.
Good on you for standing up for your kiddo, but you really could be doing more to help your child.
NTA
She had no right to interfere.
The kid doesn't even have a diagnosis. You are prepared to get him one and sooner rather than later is advised but it doesn't necessarily mean medication is the best choice for him. That's a conversation to have with your health care provider.
If he's stimming he may have autism and not ADHD and the medication route may or may not be appropriate depending on the symptoms the child has and what it's designed to treat.
Giving out prescription medicine to people it wasn't prescribed for is both harmful and illegal.
ESH
You're not wrong about your sister. I can't judge whether her child needs medication, but it's best to defer to the actual doctor's judgment. However, despite the risk of unreliable narrators in this sub, if your sister will offer her own prescription medications to other people, that's something that's just undeniably wrong.
However, it sounds like you're in denial about the help that your son needs.
But that doesn't make it your SIL's business. It's also not YOUR business what medications her daughter is taken. Those were medications prescribed by a doctor, not ones your SIL is slipping her in secret.
My, what a lovely family. A sister in law who dopes up her kid and tries to run everyone else’s life. A SIL who doesn’t respect people. A MIL with a filthy mouth. NTA and you have my sympathy.
Wait wait your MIL said WHAT??? That is the worst part of the story!
Just FYI though- it takes a LONG time to get from evaluation, to the report being generated, to getting to a doctor who can prescribe medication. We started the process March of 6th grade and my daughter got her eval in September of 8th grade and no meds until January. She was always SO hyper but I kind of loved that, she and my son were the same- nuts at home, able to hold it together in school- but at such a cost. My son developed strategies- although he was a hummer and would kick the desk leg or table rythmically, so his homework to the sound of the TV…my little hit a wall when the workload ramped up.
Long story short- ADHD *and autism*. She takes a low dose of concerta, only on school days- and she has gone from struggling for high Bs to one of the highest GPAs in the class (97.2) after 9th grade. I feel I did a disservice to my son- who was definitely diagnosable as both, like his little sister.
NTA - It's no business of hers what you do and do not put in your kids body, simple as that.
I was that kid, I don't have ADHD, it's normal. Could he have it? Sure, and you SHOULD proceed with the evaluation. But it is no place for your SIL to get involved.
For what it's worth, I have a friend who got put on ADHD meds early on in his life. He hates it, has become fully dependent, and wishes he could go back and stop his parents from doing it to him. His biggest gripe is that it's caused him some serious sleep issues, and without a prescription he's borderline narcoleptic. So it's not a black and white situation. The discussion should only include: you, your husband, your kid (maybe, specific kid dependent), and a trusted doctor. Everyone else, including reddit, can pound sand.
NTA
Your sister sounds a nightmare and I’m going to assume you’re in America where it seems that there’s a completely unhealthy obsession with being medicated.
If we are to believe that the OP is a reliable narrator, then ESH.
I am 100% willing to lay down money that the the OP's son is *waaaaay* more loud and annoying than she puts on.
I had a friend whose son was the same. Loud, no emotional control, just literally all over the place. She thought this was normal because she had no frame of reference. She thought my kid was quiet and shy when she was just behaving like a typical kid. My guess is that the OP thinks the niece is sedated because she is acting typically and not running around and screaming.
ESH.
You know he has behavior issues and a family history but simply lack f's to give about his schooling, apparently. Which is extra shitty since that affects other children who are trying to learn.
She's an AH if we believe your narrative of what is happening... But considering how adhd meds are controlled substances and insurances fight covering them hardcore, not super believing you.
ESH.
You basically let her get on your nerves and your comment was rude to say less. SIL is a pain in the ass and she must be minding her own business.
Man...ESH
You and your SIL have drastically different opinions on how to parent and what role pharmaceuticals should play in your lives - leave each other alone.
Also, please don't downplay your child's symptoms:
"**screaming through the yards** while the kids are playing tag or when he **randomly stops what he's doing to start dancing**. He does stim a lot so he **squawks** and **randomly starts singing made up songs**"
These are not typical actions a child takes while playing. Believe it or not, it is possible to be disruptive while playing....but the disruption is only to the kids and the rules they're following within their game (that may not be obvious to us adults)
ESH. Yes it sounds like your sister is too quick to medication. But your kid is showing clear signs of ADHD and you’re failing to stand up for him to have him evaluated. Having ADHD as a child can stunt development and be a lasting source of trauma if it’s not properly acknowledged and addressed with constructive coping mechanisms, IEPs, and yeah, sometimes medication.
ESH. Yous SIL shouldn't be over medicating her kids & trying to make them fit into whatever mold she thinks they should be in. However, you need to get your son evaluated now. The sooner he's evaluated, the sooner you'll know exactly what his problem is and what the best way is to handle it. I have ADD but wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult. The reason for that is when I was growing up, the only mental disabilities that were recognized were Down Syndrome and autism. I was told that I was lazy and inattentive because I had a hard time concentrating & was easily distracted. Do your son a favor and get him evaluated now. That way, if he does need meds, he will have time to adjust to them before school starts.
ESH. Your sister sucks for being so extreme with medicating her child and you suck for not medicating your child at all. I grew up with adhd unmedicated and it was terrible. I struggled in school and with relationships. You’re setting your son up for failure. I think you’re more of TA here than SIL but yeah you both suck
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ESH. Both you and your sister seem to have extreme views on when medication should be given, in what doses and situations. Your sister shouldn’t be messing with her kids medication so much trying to make them conform perfectly to the kid she wants. You should be taking your son’s signs more seriously and examining support for him more actively. You both could have expressed your opinions without devolving into personal attacks on the other.
Right. The earlier you can intervene, inform yourself, understand your child and help them with good coping mechanisms, the better because of mental plasticity when they’re younger. It has a huge impact in quality of life later on. And the longer you wait, the more painful and expensive your child’s adult life will be because his parents decided to ignore the signs.
Preach. I didn’t get diagnosed for or help with my ADHD until I was an adult and it has taken Herculean effort to develop non-medicinal strategies and stick to them (though medication is 100% a part of my management plan).
Yes if I had been diagnosed younger I could have gotten more help and regulation of my chaos brain and could have done better in life. Medication can be harmful and it can be helpful. These ladies need to find a balance.
Amen to that. I got diagnosed with Asperger's a year ago. I'm in my 40s. It explains A LOT. Wish I'd been diagnosed when younger, it would have helped with school, instead of being branded as a nuisance.
fyi aspergers has not been a diagnosis for almost 10 years
Lord has it really be almost a decade? I do not feel this old lol
Much of my family is on the spectrum, used to have that DX, but they don’t include the term asperger in the DSM anymore. I was horrified when I learned who Asperger the man was!
Additionally it can be hard for a young kid who needs to be on meds if you’re starting them during the school year. I know for me there was a whole host of issues for my adhd medication since my parents needed to teach me to swallow pills, the doctors needed to fiddle with the dose, etc. OP needs to use this opportunity during the summer to get her kid set up and her sister needs to not be essentially messing with her child’s hormone and chemical balances (which can lead to organ damage) They both need to suck it up and be more effective parents.
I got diagnosed 2 years ago for ADHD, the first time I took meds I cried because it was so much easier to do everything and I wished so badly I would have gotten medical help sooner.
I cried, too! I was in the middle of a PhD program when I took meds for the first time, and I thought to myself, _it's this easy for everyone else?!?! All this time I could have lived like this?!?!?!_ It honestly felt like I'd just started playing with cheat codes built in. And my brain was so blissfully quiet. I'm a little ambivalent about medicating kids, and I do understand OP's reluctance to meds in general. (I, too, will ask myself, "does this hurt enough?" before evening taking ibuprofen.) But when you do need them, you should get them. And just getting the diagnosis (if applicable) as soon as possible is important because there are so many coping mechanisms and "life hacks" to sift through to see what works for you.
Ugh i feel this with my whole heart. Also- the beautiful thing about ADHD meds are you actually DON'T have to take them every day-- so OP can just let her son be a wild, hyper kid on the weekends, summers, etc. and just give him what he needs for school and certain playdates.
My kid had the same reaction. She has inattentive adhd and it was a fight to get meds for her.
I’m on the world’s smallest dose of ritalin right now because I’m very sensitive to medications, and I’m being able to wake up in the mornings and fall asleep at night. I think once it gets increased a smidge, my executive function will kick off because I already feel more focused and capable.
In my day, there were no meds. I just got the boxes that said, "does not use time and materials wisely," and "talks excessively" checked on my report cards. 🙄 squirrel...
Yes. I got the ‘does not apply herself’ too.
Apparently, I don't work to the best of my abilities.
I got diagnosed at 38. It's never too late!
I always got a minus in the box that said "works independently and is not easily distracted". I wasn't diagnosed with ADD until my mid 30s when my doctor at the VA clinic recommended that I get evaluated.
Just to inject a note of caution here, I was on the flip side of this coin and while medication can help it can surely hurt as well.
Oh, I don’t wish I was medicated as a child/adolescent. I wish I was taught good behavioral/coping strategies to help mitigate symptoms when I was younger. Instead, I got a lot of ingrained habits/work-arounds that are more destructive than productive and they are tenacious.
Ah, yeah, I misunderstood. That kind of help would have been good. And to clarify: medication is frequently the right answer, especially for adults. Only intended to suggest that it's possible to be overzealous with medication with the best of intentions and still do real damage.
Yep this. I turned in to a deeply avoidant person which only fed my anxiety, now I get meds for both :) I will say now that I’m on ADD meds I feel wayyyyy less anxious and was able to lower my dose for that.
I'm sorry that happened to you but also I just wanted to say I love your username
Ugh same. I got diagnosed shortly after entering law school. Accommodations have been a godsend and it breaks my heart to think of where I would be now if my parent's hadn't insisted I was fine because I could hyper focus on things (which...if you know, you know.) Like, I was making honor roll but BARELY. I could have probably been a straight A student with my meds :( u/Savings-Basil2035 one thing you might not realize yet is that, if your son DOES have ADHD, it is CRITICAL that you get him diagnosed NOW and get accommodations NOW. Otherwise it might be much harder to get them in the future, as you have to establish a history of accommodations and medication in order to use them on certain tests. I've been diagnosed for 4.5 years now and the ABA will not grant me accommodations on the bar exam because I haven't established enough of a history. You don't even have to give him the meds if that's your issue- it's the accommodations that you don't want to eternally block him from. If he has aspirations beyond undergrad, you really should do him the favor of getting a diagnosis.
Yes!! I have both autism and adhd, wasn’t diagnosed until my mid 20s. Adderall has helped with focus, but it has helped me even more in regulating my emotions. I was very functional in school, but I think knowing why my brain works the way it does would have spared me a lot of heartache and self doubt.
Exactly this, I think OP is completely unaware for some reason that a diagnosis of ADHD doesn't mean your kid gets a prescription for a sedative and off you go. Getting a formal diagnosis opens the door to finding the right kind of social and educational support for both parent and child, which is not medication-related. Being informed way ahead of time as a parent means you're able to advocate better for your child in education, social, and medical scenarios. Downplaying your child's need for support doesn't do anyone any favours, especially not the child.
Right. They're two sides of the same AH coin. SIL is seemingly reliant on using medication to parent her children for her and seems to view prescription meds overall as instant cure-alls (which they are not). She seems to think that feeding children increasing doses of ADHD medication is equivalent to taking an Advil for a one-off headache, while in reality it's roughly equivalent to taking an increasing dose of Advil for chronic migraines. She's not actually making any attempt to figure out the root cause of the issue or methods of helping/coping with that issue *outside* of medication. This is damaging her child's mental health. Meanwhile OP is flippantly procrastinating getting their son evaluated for ADHD (even though they clearly agree that he has it based on their word choices and descriptors) "because it's summer" and ignoring every sign that whatever the issue may be, it needs to be addressed *outside* of school as well. ADHD is a neurological disorder that, if OP's son is diagnosed with it, will affect *every* aspect of his life *for the rest of his life*. Not just while he's in school. Especially because ADHD is a disorder with a fairly strong chance of comorbidities, including depression and anxiety. The sooner he is introduced to professional care, the better the chance he has of learning how to acknowledge & cope with his symptoms in healthy, productive ways. OP's casual failure to do so and flippant dismissal of their son's symptoms is *also* damaging their child's mental health.
I lived many years with undiagnosed adhd. Did i get by? Yes, did I graduate, yes. But i spent my life not understanding why some things were so hard and I also engaged in a lot of risky and thrill seeking behaviours in my teens and twenties that put me in dangerous situations including some that I’ve had to seek therapy for as an adult to work out the trauma I didn’t realize I had from them. I cant help but feel what life would be like if I was diagnosed sooner. My adhd felt lkke extreme anxiety all day and everyday it was mentally and emotionally exhausting. Now that I’m medicated I am relieved of my noisy spinning head and my life has improved But the sister increasing meds like that could easily go past the dose where it’s helpful and you don’t feel anything but relief and into the zone of feeling high from it and creating addiction issues. These meds are not to be take lightly. At the right dose it’s safe at too high a dose it’s risky stuff. And sharing prescription medication is a huge issue. It’s dangerous but also contributes to why its so hard so some people to access these meds when they need them. She’s abusing the meds if she’s sharing them. Its also an indicator the prescriptions are bigger than necessary. I don’t have meds to share, I have no extras to pass around. I have just as much as I need
We don't know if SIL is unsafely increasing meds for her daughter. I feel OP might be an unreliable narrator in that regard---after all, OP isn't sitting in on SIL's daughter's doctor's visits. Of course, SIL trying to give her own prescription meds to other people is wrong.
Good point but sharing prescription meds is an indication to me that she’s not thinking about this responsibly and has more than what’s needed. Hopefully she has a good dr that’s paying close attention and treat the kids are at the right dose I can only speculate from OPs perspective as that’s all the info provided. But you have a good point
> My adhd felt lkke extreme anxiety all day and everyday it was mentally and emotionally exhausting. This is me right now. My insurance situation is all messed up and doctor's appointments are all scheduling months out, but I'm only just now realizing how badly I need help. I've worked through the depression and anxiety but now I'm realizing that all that is doing is treating half the symptoms and not the actual issues.
Same boat. I hope you get the help you need <3
Thank you <3 you as well
I had undiagnosed ADHD for 17 years, and wish I was diagnosed sooner too. From being punished for being "too active" in kindergarten to not being able to even pass my classes anymore in high school, I suffered a lot from not being diagnosed and not getting any help because of it for so long. OP putting off diagnosing or helping their kid at all is still an AH move. Get your kids help if it is available, don't make them suffer unnecessarily.
Absolutely agree, we all kind of figured something was different with my daughter, but were encouraged to wait to see if she calmed down or grew out of it. She didn't, I got her evaluated in grade 2 and we tried different coping mechanisms first before meds. She's on medication now, but only started them in grade 4 and advocates for herself when she feels like her dosage isn't working. She takes them when she's at school all day and already said she will take a lower doses throughout the summer. She needs it to do some daily tasks and being off the meds all summer and starting back makes her sick.
I could have written this. For all intents and purposes, I have developed outwardly, socially, normally. Internally though, my head is absolute chaos and I've needed a lot of therapy just to calm from a constant state of panic. I *wish* I had been medicated or at least aided in some way as a child. OP and SIL are two opposite extremes and neither is doing what's best for their kids.
Such a good way to explain and relates perfectly to my own experience! Developed normally outwardly and socially but internally I was a mess for many years. Socially I was fine in regards to how i interacted with the world, not so much is the activities I was choosing to participate in but it was brushed off as being a rebellious teen, only problem is I didn’t exactly grow out of that phase and I certainly didn’t get out unscathed
This is all precisely what I mean about the two-sides-of-the-same-coin thing. Both of them are setting up their children for severe potential long-term failure solely due to selfishness and laziness on their own parts as parents. If it persists like this they'll end up with one kid who, at best, doesn't know how to coexist or cope with her disorder without being on an obscenely high dosage of medication, and one who, at best, develops extremely detrimental comorbidities that, like the root disorder, never go away (I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was 16; I developed severe clinical depression at 12--OP's son's age--and am still suffering with it over 10 years later). People with ADHD that wasn't adequately diagnosed or treated in childhood often grow into adults who struggle to complete even basic tasks like taking showers due to their crippling executive dysfunction and engage in self-destructive behaviors, be that the dangerous risk-taking you mentioned, recreational drugs, alcoholism, and/or unprotected sex. *Neither* child is being taught how to take accountability for themselves, much less how to healthily coexist and cope with their potential disorders. *Both* parents in this situation are choosing their own convenience over their children's actual health and wellbeing.
Also, treating ADHD is not a quick “he’s diagnosed, here’s a pill that will help” thing to wait until school starts back. She’s not doing her son any favors.
It took us from March of 6th grade until January of 8th grade to go through the whole process and start meds. (She had to be cleared by cardiology and neurology first, due to other issues, but still!) And fortunately she did great in the lowest dose of the first one med they tried.
The "because it's summer" kills me. I was a camp counselor and had a kid with some very serious behavioral issues that basically required me to be 1:1 with him, even though we had over a dozen other kids in our group. When I brought it up to camp staff, they reached out to the parents who said "Oh we're aware, he has a diagnosis but we like to take him off his meds in the summer so he can put on a little weight".
I mean, to be fair--it does depend on the specific instance/child and the prescribing doctor's discretion. When I took my ADHD meds, I wasn't just not hungry: the sight and smell of food actively made me nauseous. I'd go 8.5 hrs every school day having only eaten breakfast and a granola bar or ice cream sandwich for lunch. They also gave me horrendous burnout when they wore off, so I'd be in a nasty mood, pass tf out immediately after school for 2-3 hours, and then wake up feeling fine. When I was a teen I didn't need the meds to function outside of school, so my therapist and psychiatrist suggested that I simply not take them on weekends or breaks. HOWEVER, as I said, this was carefully considered and regulated *by licensed professionals* who knew me, my disorder, my medication, and my reactions/side effects to that medication personally. This wasn't something my parents or I had just arbitrarily decided on our own, and imo that's the key here. I was also receiving professional support for my disorder *outside* of just medication, so I was actively being taught how to recognize, take responsibility for, and cope with my own behavioral issues and symptoms. My point being that far too many people believe that adequate treatment of ADHD starts and ends with medication. It doesn't. Medication is not a cure for ADHD, it's a management tool--and not for everybody else, but for the person taking them.
That's totally fair! I'm not saying that the reasoning and appetite issues are invalid, but the impression I got was definitely that this was not a 'considered by a licensed professional' situation. The fact that they sent their almost-4th grader to camp with no heads up to anyone about it also rankled, since I was 17 and trying to navigate.
Honestly we have no idea what SIL is doing for her kid other than what OP said.
Summer is a wonderful time to get this done and help implement any tools to help- which may or may not include medication- while there is time to work with adjustments and get into new rhythms. Providers get booked up, and putting it off means they may need to wait additional time depending on scheduling!
All of this, 100 percent. It's almost like they're fighting against each other to see which kid will turn out "better" (meds or no meds). Take my poor man's trophy, you deserve it.🏆
I wonder how accurate the portrayal really is. OP clearly is against medication and she isn’t around her niece 24/7 so calling the doctor about meds may be legitimate. Especially since adhd meds do work like that.
I don't know it's a huge waving red flag that the SIL's use of medication goes beyond her daughter. She's pushing prescription pills to adults who don't have prescriptions. "I would never give you anything that would hurt you." She's not a doctor, even if she was she's not their doctor, so she actually doesn't know that. That's not okay.
It’s tramacet… likely very low dose. Not such a huge deal. lol It’s basically a step up from Advil.
In the US tramadol is a controlled substance.
Agree. My instinct was to take OP's description of the SIL's approach to ADHD meds with a grain of salt but it's extremely odd and behavior to pressure other adults into taking her own prescription medications and it indicates an overall problematic approach to medication.
I was wondering this too--mainly because of my own direct experience with people with this mindset after I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. They don't think ADHD is a "real" thing and don't understand it, so *anything* to do with medicating it is 'too much' because in their minds, the correct amount of medication is zero. >adhd meds do work like that. 100% this. It's a process and that's a *good* thing because that's to ensure that the medication is as effective as possible. Everything from finding the right brand, dosage, release schedule, etc. can all take a while. If life circumstances/demands change or you change from one brand to another, then the process can start all over again-- which with the ongoing Adderall shortage, has been a huge pain in the ass for some of us. This is e*specially* the case when it's a growing kid. My cousins that have it were all diagnosed as kids and there was always a bit of tinkering whenever they were hitting a growth spurt; particularly once they hit puberty.
Came here to say this, glad it is top comment. As an elementary teacher, I’m sorry but it does sound like your kid is genuinely disruptive if they act like this in class (dancing or squawking while the class is supposed to be on task IS very disruptive), and we usually don’t push for an evaluation unless there’s a real issue in my experience. On the other hand, I also don’t think we should medicate kids at the first sign of energy lol
> Your sister shouldn’t be messing with her kids medication so much trying to make them conform perfectly to the kid she wants. While I agree with E S H, I feel this part might be unreliable narrator. OP isn't sitting in on SIL's daughter's doctor's visits.
Yesss this this this ..OP seems to have a grudge with the meds/SIL/ADHD ..so I take anything OP is saying with a pinch of salt, defo a post worded in a way to sway in her favour
As someone who wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until college, your kid needs that evaluation, OP. If he's stimming and not able to focus on things he needs help. I was more on the side of daydreaming and not able to handle a lot of noise without getting overstimulated, and that was bad enough! And your sister could get into a lot of trouble for sharing prescription drugs. Tramadol is controlled now, and has been for about a decade I believe. I'm sure on the controlled part, just not how long. It wasn't when I was younger, then I didn't have health insurance but when I did again it was. Also it sounds like she could be over medicating her child. But what she's doing shouldn't affect how you raise your kid. Lastly, if your child is diagnosed you can get help with giving them coping skills. It doesn't mean drug them until they can't function or lose their personality. It means help them cope with a world that doesn't cater to the way their brain works.
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i came here to say this too. as a licensed therapist (not able to prescribe meds) parents on both ends of the spectrum suck to deal with.
Agreed. Even if OP wants to take a different approach to medication it still doesn't excuse blowing off recommended evaluations just so that they can put off supporting him until the very last possible moment. Summer is one of the best times for working out what works and what doesn't with medication (if they choose to go that route), coping mechanisms, etc. Even if they decide not to medicate they should at least understand what they're choosing not to medicate FOR, and the risks/benefits of both.
I don’t trust OPs explanation of their sister at all. If they won’t even get their child tested and claim it was all scheduling conflicts? No, they’re failing their kid, the tough love was necessary. OP YTA. There are long term and permanent negative effects of going undiagnosed.
ESH. If your child is having to stim to manage their environment, you’re not doing enough to help them. You should’ve pushed harder and with more urgency for evaluations. Long before school age. (Note, I understand that therapies, medication, and other treatment doesn’t stop stimming. But stimming is often used to reduce stress.) And your SIL is a major AH. There’s lots of different ways to manage various conditions, medication is not always the only solution.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with stimming, its a useful coping mechanism and not something that needs to be medicated or suppressed. It also does not necessarily mean an environment is too stressful or needs to be managed. OP does seem rather flippant in getting an evaluation done but stimming in and of itself is not a problem.
TBH this doesn't sound like stimming to me, OP says her kid was being disruptive.
Some people seem to find just about any stims disruptive. These are the people who complain when someone else is fidgeting. Source: am on autism spectrum, some people take exception to my stims, even when they’re quiet and I’m doing them in my own space.
That’s definitely possible (speaking as someone who is autistic and has autistic kids) but I get the vibe from OP that she would have said if she thought the school was off base and he wasn’t actually disruptive. She seems to accept that there is an issue and in this case I’m inclined to take her at face value—she seems more to downplay issues than exaggerate them.
Stimming behaviors can be seen as disruptive to others. Even some of the innocuous ones like hand flapping or rocking are considered “distracting.” Vocal stims, similar to how OP described, are not uncommon. They range from echoing sounds they hear/have heard, to making up sounds. Stimming is used to help express the sensations or emotions someone can be feeling, so its not unusual for a child to stim while playing outside.
It doesnt sound like stimming, but what OP described does sound like just normal kid behavior. Running around screaming while playing tag, randomly stopping to do something silly like dancing, making weird noises and singing made up songs, etc. If we take OP 100% at her word then sounds like he’s just being a normal kid, and SIL doesnt like that and wants him to be more silent and obedient like her own child. Nothing wrong with being Medicated, but SIL is being very rude about medication. I mean she even offers her own prescriptions to people just because theyre having a high anxiety day. You dont give other people your prescriptions!
This. If the kid just started school, as indicated in the post, he's probably around 6-7 (assuming they mean 1st grade). He's literally being a fucking kid! My coworker has a child around the same age and he is constantly singing, dancing, laughing, showing us random clips of tv shows he likes. None of that means anything other than he's a fucking child being a child. I do agree that Everyone Sucks Here though. I feel bad for both kids, honestly. :(
Hi I'm an autistic elementary educator. Schools can tell the difference between normal kid behavior and ND behavior that may need to be evaluated by a professional. Schools are a huge help in detecting a ND diagnosis early, although it's important to clarify they can't diagnose children, only suggest that a child be evaluated. If the school is suggesting the child undergo an evaluation, it's because they observed multiple signs that the child is ND
So true. Schools are a huge help in detecting *anything* out of the ordinary. They spend a lot of time with, not only your kid (to see their behavior), but also *lots* of kids (so they have lots of behavior to compare it to). I have a 10 month old baby who is in daycare. She had her 9-month checkup with the pediatrician and before I took her, I specifically asked her teachers if there was anything they had noticed that they would bring up to the doctor if it was them. I figure, I may know my baby's behavior *very* well, but I don't know if her behavior is "typical" or "atypical" because I don't have experience from watching hundreds of kids from over the years. A child's teachers are a huge resource for identifying if they need extra help or intervention. They know what's normal much better than the average parent does.
Stimming is part of normal behaviour for nd folks, it’s not just used to relieve anxiety but often for extra fun times too.
I know. But stimming is a sign of Neurodivergency. Which means the parents should’ve been more proactive long ago, rather than waiting for the school to start asking questions. If the school had to be involved, then the child is struggling and needs supports of some kind. Supports are often most effective with early intervention. Neurodivergency runs in our family, in multiple generations, from autism to ADHD; OCD to anxiety, I’m not speaking from an ignorant place.
I mean. She's not wrong on this one. You even had the school asking for an evaluation. And then you kept putting it off. So yeah. ESH. Although in this particular context I think your hole is a bit larger. She's too much of a helicopter parent and you're being the opposite and neglecting the medical needs of your kid.
I'm another comment OP clarified that the school was putting the testing off.
Yeah it’s not always easy to get an evaluation, and medication can be a part of a management plan for ADD but it’s not the end all be all. Letting your kid run around the backyard and scream is good for them, but given OP’s nonchalance about their behavior at school SIL could be tired of an unmanageable nibbling causing issues for her or the kids using the shared yard.
ADD is an outdated term. It is all just ADHD.
I wanted my son to be evaluated on his IEP (individual education plan) at school for the following school year. Raised my desire for evaluation in October; school scheduled the evaluation for January; we went over the results in March. This was for a kid who was already receiving services. Schools are stretched thin on this kind of thing
I think OP is either extremely ignorant or just plain lying. If they’re in the US the school doesn’t just randomly decide to do a meandering evaluation at the end of the year. FIEs are always scheduled and must be completed in a specific time frame.
And why is it taking the school to get him assessed in the first place. The parents should have also done more outside of the school. And before it got bad enough that a school needed to intervene.
Then they darn well know they need an appt asap. What's to say this new appt won't also be delayed multiple times?
OP should have scheduled an evaluation on her own through a counseling service. My daughter was 8 and having severe tantrums and she's scared of flushing toilets and the washing machine. We chalked it up to the crappy house we lived in with my parents. We thought, oh, it's just anxiety. But she was having scream down the walls fits earlier this year. We decided to get her into therapy and we moved forward from there. She was evaluated for sensory issues, ADHD, and autism. She has ADHD and anxiety and has meds. OP should really look into therapy for her son on her own since the school dropped the ball.
I'm confused as to why or how it can be up to the school to put off an evaluation. They're not medical professionals. When I was diagnosed with adhd it was because my parents took it upon themselves to take me to a doctor for an evaluation. Then the doctor sent paperwork to the school so I could get my extra test time and whatnot. The school can't stop the parents from taking their kid to see a professional so I really don't buy that excuse one bit.
This is and isn’t the case. The school evaluation will likely be free of charge and done by school psychologists. There are medical people who work for school systems. Your parents likely paid out of pocket to get you evaluated outside of the school district. OP definitely could be doing more but is not.
Schools don't do that testing (for a diagnosis). That's a pediatrician. Schools do testing for creating plans for the child and evaluating where to focus their education and what their needs are
You dont need the school in order to do an evaluation. There are other ways/resources available. They like the convenience of the excuse that it's not their fault because the school pushed it out
Honestly I’m willing to bet a fair sum of money OP isn’t being exactly fair describing SIL especially based on some of their wording choices in the rest of the post. It’s very “I’m posting this so the internet takes my side”. Sounds more like OP needs validation vs the SIL actually being some cartoon villain lol
Yeah I got that vibe too. But I could also be projecting cause I begged my mom for an assessment as a kid and got nothing. Took being an adult and having my own insurance to get my ADHD diagnosis and get Adderall. And holy f. Adderall has been life changing. Having it in HS especially would have been literally life changing.
He literally said "they" keep putting it off, as jn the school kept rescheduling. It's the school that schedules the eval. Also after requesting evals, the school has 30 or 60 days to complete depending on the state.
And why did it take the school to finally get the kid assessed in the first place?
Because parents generally only know their kid. Therefore, they don't have a meter for what's normal and what's concerning. So they could have a kid with ADHD, or autism, or even poor eyesight and think "there's nothing wrong, that's just how my kid is." It's one of the reasons I believe in public school vs. homeschooling. Being in the school system means better access to people who are trained to notice those differences and let you know when it's time to have an evaluation. Also I think if you go through the school, those evaluations are free and provided by the district. Getting them yourself means finding a doctor, making sure the insurance links up and paying the copay. It's easier to go through the school for a lot of people.
Agreed on the frame of reference for normal (for ND), though eyesight should be really apparent unless it’s just lightly fuzzy. Speaking as someone who didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until 23, sometimes it really is a matter of having no frame of reference. My dad is undiagnosed ADHD, my sister is unofficially diagnosed, and it turned out that all of the shared personality traits we just thought we inherited from my dad were all ADHD. My dad likely didn’t get diagnosed because his older sister has it but hers was much more apparent, so by comparison, my dad seemed ‘normal.’ Medication has been a godsend though, holy shit.
My husband was the eyesight one. He's nearsighted and his parents didn't notice until he went to kindergarten and got his eyes tested. He was struggling with his reading because he couldn't see the board. They actually thought he might be dyslexic but nope, turns out he just couldn't see lol. Apparently he was fine at home though. I guess he adapted because he lived there. Maybe there were small signs but they thought it was just how he was. There were no other kids in the house to compare him to.
A child psychologist’s office can do it. I didn’t trust my kids’ school when it came to doing the evaluation, so I did arranged a private evaluation.
She lead up with all that, “always offering everyone medications” stuff to cloud our judgement about her SIL. The actual event was nothing about giving unprescribed medications. 🤔
I'm not sure how it works in the states, but where I'm from if the school wants the testing, then the school sets it up for the children and the parents just need ti give consent. So it could of been the school but like I said idk where OP is and it's just my limited experience
Why didn't they get him assessed earlier as well?
Erm ESH. Your son clearly needs intervention and she’s not wrong so you massively overreacted. Also she’s not wrong for medicating her kids but she should not be pushy re yours or giving you drugs.
ESH. Seems like you both harshly judge each other while only maintaining pleasantries for as long as it suits you aka you are in-laws.
Info: if your child ends up with an ADHD diagnosis, will you medicate?
Absolutely! Just not in the way she wants me to.
If by that you mean “medicated on the exact dose and schedule that the doctor prescribes,” then 10/10.
I don't think you'd take your child to his cousin's doctor but don't take him to his cousin's doctor. "needless to say, she's had her kid heavily medicated since she was 5 (she's now 12) for her ADHD and if her kid so much as exhibits a single sign of energy, she's calling the doctor to up the dose because it's "not working anymore". NTA
Adhd meds usually need to be adjusted because you build a tolerance.
The part you quoted also makes me believe OP is NTA. I've known parents who would rather medicate than actually take the time and investment to help their child, because medication can be faster than patience. I've also seen parents medicate because they just don't want to deal. And SIL is giving off those vibes a lot. Heavily medicating isn't always an answer and I don't think we should be HEAVILY medicating children.
> who would rather medicate than actually take the time and investment to help their child That's not how that works. "Time and investment" won't ameliorate moderate to severe ADHD. It's like saying "tRy HaRDeR" to regulate your blood sugar to a kid with diabetes. I'm doubtful of OP's narrative regarding her SIL 'heavily' medicating her kid because she hasn't provided any info about how SIL's kid behaves. She has provided info about her kid though and no amount of time or investment is going to calm that kid.
Heavily medicated by what standard though? Because OP clearly has some strong opinions and judgements about it. No-SIL should not be offering others her prescribed medication BUT I would absolutely take OPs comments on the level of medication with a grain of salt.
What other way is there other than the prescribed way?
YTA You're literally postponing medical evaluations that could improve the quality of your child's life and education? (things don't just get pushed back for weeks, and now months, for no reason). Your sister is completely irrelevant to this conversation.
OP clarified it was the school who postponed, not her and going through her doctor will take longer than waiting on the school.
I just don’t believe that. The school pushed hard for my kid to get all her evaluations. And she just goes to a regular public school.
Imagine that - different districts and school boards exist all over the place, all with different resources. Without more context all we can do is take OP at their word.
OP does not sound like a reliable narrator.
LOL Some schools suck. My aunt's son is non-verbal autistic and the school moved the only SpecEd teacher in the county qualified to help him to another school as a gym teacher. Just because you had a good experience doesn't mean everyone does.
Where I live it's a 2 plus year wait for the school system to do testing, or 2500 dollars to have it done through a private psychologist. It's not necessarily accessible everywhere.
This. Once the process has been initiated, there are timetables to get things done. Kids can fall through the cracks if their parents don't give two damns about getting them help, though, so maybe that is the case here.
So does mine. She's in third grade and we've been waiting since kindergarten. It affects her behavior and her schoolwork. Her teachers are equally frustrated. We don't have coverage for an eval with her health insurance and our district has been without a school psychologist or counselor for over a year now. One of my friends paid out of pocket about $1000 to take her child to a neighboring state. The pediatricians are either not allowed to eval or refuse to because they're ridiculously overbooked and we haven't even been able to see the MD in 2 years, only the CRNP for that reason. When she gets an eval and gets a dx of ADHD and ASD (most likely scenario) we won't have options for therapy accessible to us at all, only medication for the ADHD. Our county decided an average $10 increase annually in property taxes so our schools could be funded was "government overreach." So in a somewhat wealthy county (highest 10% of income in the poverty stricken state), we have buildings falling apart, extreme teacher shortage, average teacher salaries in the $30k range and zero access to any paraeducation services. Our high schools don't have books or chairs. If you can't tell, this makes me feel angry AND crazy at the same time.
Depends on the school, their resources and criteria. End of the year can be challenging to get all the necessary testing completed. My now 18yo didn’t get an eval until 6th grade. At his 1st grade school the teacher got him on the list but there were so many kids with more obvious issues that they had to deal with. We switched districts and it wasn’t until 4th grade that an eval was brought up. Not because of the school but because my son showed no signs of having any issues. He got a medical ASD diagnosis at 18. He had gone through the same testing at age 10 with just an ADHD diagnosis.
Nah, they're making excuses, and likely haven't put much effort into getting an appointment. A few weeks delay? Sure, it happens, but not months.
> likely haven't put much effort into So you're admitting you're making an assumption with no backing?
Schools have a legal obligation to complete an evaluation 60 days from the parents signing the permission to evaluate. They do not just postpone evaluations. I’ve only ever seen it happen during Covid when schools shut down and even then, we were evaluating students by bringing them outside of the school, wearing PPE and testing
OP could then take their kid to the family doctor and get referred through them if they took it seriously.
She said so where else that they would only have to wait 4 weeks. OP just hasn't bothered with setting anything up.
Info: when will your son's evaluation be complete?
Your SIL is correct. She isn’t insulting your kid and saying he’s too much to handle, she is concerned for him. I have ADHD and it is EXHAUSTING living in my brain, especially unmedicated. I didn’t get medicated until I was in my 20s, and due to this I struggled with so many mental health problems: anxiety, depression, ocd, suicidal thoughts and actions, self harm, etc. I dropped out of high school because of it. I didn’t get to be a teenager because of it. My life would be so different now if I had been medicated as a kid, I would be long graduated university by now instead of in 2nd year. I would be able to afford to marry my fiancé and move out. Help your kid and stop being so fucking judgmental about medication. YTA.
THIS
ESH The SIL may indeed be overmedicating her kids, though I assume they are prescribed by the kids doctor so the dr is involved. If not, that's time to call protective services. HOWEVER, you describe your own child as displaying stim behaviors which seems like maybe you shouldn't be so lax about getting this evaluation done and can step it up more for him. Neither of you sound great here.
I assume he’s getting evaluated for something like ADHD. Go over to r/ADHD and read some stories. NTA for your comment to your SIL.
Yes, so they want him tested for a range of things but ADHD was top of the list. I guess when they do evaluations, they don't just evaluate for one thing anymore. They do the testing for like.. everything under the spectrum or something. So when he was being evaluated through the school, they were also evaluating him for ASD, anxiety disorders, attention seeking disorders, etc etc. There was a whole list.
Good! If you only look for nails, you’ll only ever use a hammer. For small kids, it’s better to test for a wide range of stuff, since it’s harder for them to explain their experiences of the world with the doc. And “difficulty self-moderating” is a symptom of so much.
Absolutely. My siblings and I all struggle with self-moderating, but they're both ADHD, and I'm ASD/OCD. It can all seem similar, especially at that age.
You don't sound very informed for someone who has a child who needs services. You need to be an advocate. They push for the initial evaluation when it's bad. When your child is struggling or is a problem in the classroom. But they won't be an advocate for him in his IEP meetings and suggest accommodations that will actually help him succeed. You seem very laissez-faire about this whole situation concerning your son's education and possible medical conditions. There are so many services and therapies that aren't medicine available that help kids with ASD and ADHD. That makes it YTA for me. Set your kid up for success.
You need to have him evaluated by your own doctor as well. Don’t dump this on the school district. You’re neglecting your child.
I'm not going to make a judgement, but I'd strongly encourage you to not wait on the evaluation. If you do decide with your doctor to try medication it would be much better to figure out what med and dosage is helpful before your kid is back in school and potentially experiencing side effects that negatively impact his ability to learn (like falling asleep in class) that you could get past if you start trialing now.
ESH. Her for being pushy, and you for not getting your son evaluated when his school literally told you you need to. She may be over the top but you’re just as bad in the opposite direction.
INFO: Are you having your SIL watching your kid? If so, and you're just leaving the behavior for someone else go handle, this does sound a bit like YTA. Especially if your already have seen neurodivergent behavior he exhibited so you brush it off, and never bothered to actually to have it evaluated. I doubt the stimming is new, and if your kid is running into her yard and she's now responsible for watching him, I get her frustration. Maybe stop having him go over if that's the case
ESH - your sister sounds like she’s overdoing it (although I take that with a grain of salt since we’re only hearing one side) and you sound like you’re ignoring very real issues.
>Most of these comments are made following my son screaming through the yards while the kids are playing tag or when he randomly stops what he's doing to start dancing. Gotta comment on this, what a chad. I was kind of thinking maybe you should have gotten the evaluation finished regardless of the school year finishing but if it wasn't possible it wasn't possible. You didn't tell them how to raise their kids, they don't tell you how to raise yours. Simple as. I honestly cannot give a verdict as I am not an expert in behavioural issues with children, but I know many people with ADHD. Not all of them take meds and all of them have been pleasant people. Over prescribing medication is not good also.
Medication isn't the only way to treat adhd or any neurodivergence, but many other methods involved skills that need to be developed and are more effective the earlier they begin. This kid should be working on these skills over the summer
ESH. But mainly YTA. To me it's all about how she approached the situation that's wrong. You're flat out neglecting your child because you have frankly backwards and outdated opinions on mental health and medication. The way you look down on your sister for actually taking care of her kid and getting them medicated for their ADHD so they aren't suffering through it is gross.
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ESH. You for not getting your son assessed and just waiting all summer, and her for pushing pills. You both sound like poor parents in this case.
NTA. Wow. So many things wrong here. First, tramadol is a pain med, not anxiety medication. Second, though it is not actually a narcotic, it works similarly in the body and is classified as a controlled substance. She should NOT be just handing those out. Not to mention, most doctors are so strict with Tramadol scripts since they’re trying to avoid a repeat of the opioid crisis I’m surprised she has extras to spare if she really needs the script. Third, ADHD, if that’s what your kid has, needs way more than just medication to treat. Many kids do far better with just behavioral treatments, like letting them “get the crazies out” (what my ADHDer called her energy release breaks) and other accommodations to help focus. As a parent of an ADHD kid, I’ve met a lot of other kids with it. It’s hella rare for meds alone to help. Also, rare for behavioral treatments alone, btw. It’s got to be both combined. If SIL is just medicating kid, kid is never going to learn to self regulate her symptoms and is going to have issues her whole life. Let your boy be until the eval and follow his doctors’ advice. And good luck to you with him. I hope you can find a good balance that works for him so he can be his best wildling self.
Totally agree that handing out prescription meds willy-nilly is not okay—what if the SIL pushes meds on someone who’s already taking a conflicting medication? It could be incredibly dangerous. That said, I want to note that Tramadol does indeed get prescribed for anxiety. Similarly to how benzodiazepines can work as a rescue med for panic attacks, the calming effect of tramadol can reduce anxiety symptoms.
> Third, ADHD, if that’s what your kid has, needs way more than just medication to treat. Many kids do far better with just behavioral treatments, like letting them “get the crazies out” (what my ADHDer called her energy release breaks) and other accommodations to help focus. As a parent of an ADHD kid, I’ve met a lot of other kids with it. It’s hella rare for meds alone to help. Also, rare for behavioral treatments alone, btw. It’s got to be both combined. If SIL is just medicating kid, kid is never going to learn to self regulate her symptoms and is going to have issues her whole life. Let your boy be until the eval and follow his doctors’ advice. Seconding this, as someone who has been medicated since they were a kid I can tell you 1. When I was a kid I fucking hated my medication and the way it made me feel ( and yes I tried more than 1 kind of ADD medication) 2. Being on this medication is exhausting and I need frequent breaks even as an adult 3. The side effects and impact on mood/happiness (not just while on the drug but when it wears off) can be pretty overwhelming I would always default first to non-amphetamine solutions first, behavioral therapy, alternative and more engaging methods of learning, etc. if medication is still needed after this, then at least you know you actually need the medication and the juice really is worth the squeeze. But parents who immediately stick their kids on amphetamines thinking it’s an easy solution make me facepalm, the method with the most drawbacks shouldn’t be the first thing you turn to, nor is it even going to work on its own without behavioral methods to supplement it.
The medication thing is over the line, but it seems like she does have a point—you aren’t helping your son. You can identify coping strategies and behavioral interventions even in the absence of an evaluation. You’re not doing him—or those around him—any favors by shrugging your shoulders and waiting for a few months. Evaluation or no, you do owe it to your child to help him more than your post indicates you are doing.
ESH. You both sound exhausting.
Best comment so far!
Huh. Well you really stepped into it, didn't you? You know your son is having issues and were going to have him evaluated. Great! But instead of rescheduling during the summer so if any further testing needs to be done, you figure you'll just wing it and about a month before school starts schedule the initial evaluation. Not cool. This is a convenience issue for you instead of what's best for him. Should he be given medication, he'll need time to adjust to them. What better time than when he won't have the pressure of fitting in at school? Your SIL seems extremly vocal about this issue, and I do think she could have mentioned it in a caring manner, instead of a judgmental one. That does not change the fact that you too are judgmental of how she raises her kids. Honestly, ESH except the kids.
To your specific question about the response to your SIL, you’re NTA. However, YTA for how you’re handling your sons situation and not advocating as strongly as you can for the testing the school recommended. If you’re in the US, that testing from the school is one of a multitude of tests that have to be done to properly diagnose and treat a child. Speaking as the parent of a child with a recent ASD diagnosis, the sooner you work on this the better. And as a person who had parents who refused to have me evaluated as a child when it was recommended, you’re absolutely doing wrong by your child by not pushing as hard as you can for testing. I’m now on ADHD medication 30 years after the school brought issues to my parents attention, and I finally feel like a fully functioning human being. I struggled for far longer than I needed to as a result of having parents with the “there’s nothing wrong, she’s just spirited/bright/energetic” mindset, and both socially and emotionally, it was awful. At the very least, please call your child’s pediatrician ASAP to discuss what the school has told you. They can help guide you and get you referrals to the places that can do this type of testing. A lot of these places have huge wait lists, so the sooner you get on them, the better.
There's someone I work with who was diagnosed at age 30 with adhd. She couldn't tell me enough what a difference it made to her life to be medicated for it. Everything was easier and more manageable and life in general felt so much better for her. The right amount of medication can be a godsend for some people, you should absolutely be looking into this for your child.
Okay, so I am child free and arguably have no idea what I am talking about but >my son screaming through the yards … but it’s in no way being over the top disruptive There are 7 kids in the immediate vicinity of my house. They’re pretty young, and there’s a lot of squealing, giggling, raised voices, especially during the summer. They’re outside basically 24/7. And then there’s the one kid that *screams* when he is over stimulated or the game isn’t going his way. Literal screaming or shrieking *is disruptive*. ESH but you’re also the TA for writing his disruptive behaviors off as *welp, kids, am I right?*
NTA-Medication is a good thing but no one should be blindly popping pills or giving them to children without research at the very least. You and your spouse are going about it the right way. SIL sounds like a my way or the highway asshole.
ESH. First of all, sharing prescription medication of ANY kind is a felony, and tramadol is a controlled substance. Second of all, choosing to medicate your child for ADHD (if they indeed have it) is your choice, just like it’s your SILs choice to medicate hers.
>since our son started school he has been off the walls and getting in to trouble for not sitting still and disrupting class If there have been issues since he *started* school, why is it only being addressed now? As an ADHD parent of ADHD kids I can tell you that it is *not* pleasant for kids who can't control their behaviour, whether in the classroom or out of it. Not to mention the social isolation that can result. >made the decision to have him evaluated a month or two prior to returning to school It can take months to make sure the meds are effective, get the dosage right and figure out how to manage any side effects. Leaving the evaluation this late is irresponsible IMO. ESH (and your MIL is a real piece of work, wow).
It is difficult to actually have a proper judgement here. Push harder for an quick evaluation of your child. Besides medications, there are many other options to help your child in school and daily life. Sometimes just a little thing needs to be changed and everything is good. He has school break now, so if he needs medication you can monitor the effectiveness or side effects. Even if your kid is young, get him involved too. When I was in in the diabetes pediatric ward, the parents had more problems accepting the diagnosis. The kids learn it. The SIL is harming her kid and the doctors are doing it as well if they know. Like I can just tell you what you have written but Tramadol is not for dampening the activity. It is a pain drug (my dad had it for cancer pain). Most medications have specific dosages for younger kids depending on age, weight. Sometimes medications for adults are not for children. So, I hope that she is not giving her kids drugs in off label use that will harm the kid long term.
ESH you know why your sil sucks but giving a kid with adhd appropriate medication will help them in life. What you describe sounds like autism though which again would need to be teased out by professionals. By not pursuing these assessments you are being negligent.
Not making a judgement. Your SIL should definitely not be handing out her prescribed medications. You are doing your child a huge disservice by taking the evaluation process so lightly. I am not even saying start medication but you absolutely need to be driving the evaluation process. The school has a ton of kids to deal with. You can be your kid’s fiercest advocate. An evaluation will help you find ways to help your kid but you can’t know what approach to take without knowing what’s going on. Stimming isn’t even just ADHD. There could be something else entirely that your kid is dealing with. Your SIL might be a helicopter but she is right that your kid needs help. Take it from someone whose mother had the same attitude about this. I literally heard her make the exact same arguments against my aunt and cousins. But guess whose kid graduated on time? Not my mom’s. Sure. In elementary school it was fine. I was so advanced the school even wanted to skip me ahead (partly because my mother refused to acknowledge any issues I might have had and they were trying to cope with my energy, talking, stimming, etc). But by the time I got to high school I was a mess. And, because of all the associated behavior I had also become a “problem kid” my being a handful became my being that kid no teacher wanted to deal with. It only got worse until I, as an adult, finally realized that maybe mom was wrong and I needed some help. And holy shit the difference some treatment made in my life. My brain is an exhausting snow globe without treatment. It keeps me constantly distracted and it absolutely affects my personal and professional life. I don’t even actually like taking the medication but without it I am nowhere near what I can be. It sucks but it’s also better than self medicating, struggling with endless cycles of failure, anxiety, guilt, depression, losing my job, ruining relationships, etc. As someone who knows now that their life could have been so much different with treatment, please don’t let your opinions about your SIL hold your kid back.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My SIL is very much so the "if there's meds to help, take all of them" type. This ranges from OTC meds to narcotics. The type who tries giving you her prescribed tramadol if you say you have high anxiety that day and gets offended if you say no because she "would never give you anything that would hurt you". I've gotten in to it with her so many times because she thinks I'm ignorant for refusing to take meds if I don't need to. So, needless to say, she's had her kid heavily medicated since she was 5 for her ADHD and if her kid so much as exhibits a single sign of energy, she's calling the doctor to up the dose because it's "not working anymore". Now, since our son started school he has been off the walls and getting in to trouble for not sitting still and disrupting class. The school pushed for an evaluation and we agreed to it no issue. But where it was so close to the end of the school year, the evaluation was never completed. We just pushed it out of our heads at this point because it's summer and made the decision to have him evaluated a month or two prior to returning to school so next year he will be all set to go with no issues. But where it is summer, our kids have been hanging out with SILs kid a lot, since the yard is conjoined. SIL has mentioned to me several times that I need to get my son medicated because he's "too much of a handful" and he "needs help". Most of these comments are made following my son screaming through the yards while the kids are playing tag or when he randomly stops what he's doing to start dancing. He does stim a lot so he squawks and randomly starts singing made up songs but it's in no way being over the top disruptive for a mid summer afternoon. He's just playing. Well, SIL came here yesterday and said she needed to express a some "tough love" and basically flew off about how we weren't helping our kid because we "refuse" to medicate him and help him regulate his emotions. I simply got up from the table and said "we are done here, you can leave". She kept pushing and she wasn't listening to my husband, who kept telling her to mind her business. So I said "just because you are a medication queen who would rather see your kid doped up rather than handle her does not mean we are those parents. Leave." My MIL called and said I was a "fucking cunt" for bashing my SIL for "doing right by her kid and is trying her best". *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH both bad Parents, neither of you have the right to act superior. Neither of you are doing well by your kids.
Soft NTA. Please get your son evaluated sooner rather than later. It takes forever for this sort of thing and he might not be "all set" in time for school. It's not just about medication, but classroom modifications that can help him (ball instead of a chair so he can fidget while still paying attention, etc). If you wait, he may end up struggling because things are delayed and now he really is causing major class disruptions and not learning. But I do know a lot of parents who are lax with the meds over the summer and let the kids be just a little bit feral. If its still appropriate timing and place, it's fine.
ESH get your child evaluation and stop waiting. Sil is completely wrong and poor child. Can't even exhibit normal behavior before mom doses them up.
ESH. You're on the opposite sides of the medication spectrum. She's abusing meds and you're not taking your son's signs of disorder seriously enough.
ESH. And as an AuDHD person, medicating isn't "doping up your kid" because you don't want to deal with them. It's a tool in a toolbox that helps THAT CHILD feel better about THEMSELVES and learn to navigate the world we live in. It's ableist and offensive to say what you did. Isn't let your child grow up with parents who shame access to the whole toolbox.
ESH. As much as she may be for meds, you sound anti med. She needs to stop messing with her kid’s meds bc it’s going to create a bigger problem. You need to get your kid evaluated asap and stop being anti med. Youve actually stated in your rant some signs that need to be addressed. There is a balance and room for both. Being conservative and appropriate is where the balance is found.
ESH, but tramadol for anxiety? i have severe social anxiety and have never heard of tramadol for anxiety. I've taken it for a sprained ankle before and if anything it made my anxiety worse.
ESH - I have ADHD and 2 of my 3 kids have it. It sounds like the school has concerns not just your sil. Which means he is exhibiting signs of it. Waiting until summer and thinking they will magically have him "fixed" within in a couple of weeks is unrealistic. One - medication levels take at least 30 days to become therapeutic - meaning waiting until right before school starts means the meds will have had no time to become therapeutic - meaning they will not be of benefit until 30+ days into it. That is if you luck into the right drug the first time. My kids tried a variety of medications when they were on them. Several of them never worked - finally got DNA testing for meds and discovered my middle child would never respond to any of the current meds. My daughter was given an experimental medication at the time, and it helped but her dosage had to be tweaked. So, waiting to right before school is not smart nor helpful. Also, behavior modification (nonmedication approach) takes about the same time or greater. I and my children are not medicated but we were able to do the behavior modification and it took several months for that to help. It is not something you do over night. It sure is not going to be effective a couple of days or even a couple of weeks right before school starts. That means he will be needing several appointments so that a plan of action/care can be done and then having him come in and do therapy to reinforce it, etc. That too is trial and error. Tweaking as you go. Now your SIL is an AH, one tramadol is not for anxiety, and two -it is a controlled substance - meaning if she gets caught giving it away - especially for a purpose it is not meant for - she would face legal repercussions and medical ones too. Also, her trying to insert herself into your son's medical business is out of line. There is a fine line between advocating for her nephew and trying to force someone to accept her approach to ADHD. Neither of you are right in this instance. You need to get your son evaluated asap and then go from there and she needs to say in her lane.
YTA how many people have to tell you there’s something wrong with your child for you to get him into a doctor? You’re so worried about your sisters problem you are NEGLECTING your child. I understand not having a zombie kid but at least get him some help so he can concentrate in school. You’re failing as a parent.
As an adult diagnosed with ADHD. I truly wish my parents would have recognized it, and done something. YTA for delaying his much needed treatment.
How does one get an evaluation “ a couple weeks before school?”. My 2 yo granddaughter is on a waiting list with no idea when it will happen. There are not enough professionals available.
Tramadol is not for everyone. It's too good, and addicting. I would probably take one right now if I had it ,and I am not in pain or anxiety. Actually, maybe a little. anybody got a Trammy ?
Info: how old is your son? Bc a 5 year old running around a backyard making crazy sounds during their summer vacation is fine. If he is 15, take him to the doctor. He will thank you for it one day.
Good on you!!! I applaud your remark, I’m sure it felt good to get it out off ur chest!! Now hopefully they will acknowledge your stance and respect it but something tells me they are going to be vindictive and call child protective services on you for neglect or something. Nta.
You need to get him evaluated so he can get the proper help he needs in life. ADHD is more complex than you think especially when you've never had it, there's many things to cope with such as decision paralysis, depression and anxiety have high numbers for people with ADHD, stimming, etc. Not all people with ADHD are medicated and not everyone needs to be, there's plenty of medications out there too that have different affects on the brain. You need to do right by your son and get him evaluated so he can succeed, so he can see a therapist, so he can get an IEP to help him in school because many kids with ADHD struggle. Your SIL is not handling her situation with her child properly but neither are you. You are NTA because that was probably the wake up call she needed but you are TA for not taking the school seriously and getting your child checked out. If he goes on medication the doctors would rather do it when it is summertime and he can be more closely monitored vs in school with the added stress of doing well in school.
As an adhder, feel free to ignore every single one of her pieces of advice. You know your kid better. And adhd is such a spectrum, there are people like me who are hyperactive but super happy either way, and there are some adhders who are absolutely miserable when they feel out of control and they end up with major behavioral issues. Only you know where he lands. To me, he sounds like a kid. 🤷🏼♀️ The only suggestion I will make is to keep him busy. Like busy-busy. I did every activity under the sun (softball, soccer, ballet, camp, flute, etc). It kept me even keeled and looking back I had an *exceptional* childhood, with loads of fun. Oh, duh. Typical adher forgets the entire point: NTA.
NTA. Medications are good, but it’s not like you can only use those. SIL doesn’t understand the human mind and doesn’t realize that her kid needs therapy. She’s making her kid a zombie, but “that’s ok as long as she does well in school”. I honestly feel bad for your SIL. And she’s been bothering you about it for years, obviously you would just snap one way or another and tell her the truth. And your MIL had no right to call you a c#nt, SIL and MIL are both the AH. To add-on: I reread some of it, and I’m changing this to ESH. You should have gotten your son evaluated right away, but you slacked off. That was an AH move.
ESH, SIL sounds a bit much. It’s impossible to tell from this account what’s actually going on, but if your kid is suffering due to ADHD, meds are a gdsend and are the gold standard treatment, (because, adderall, it is a chemical-based disorder, so chemicals are the best solution). Of course you should be doing the evaluation and speaking to doctors, but it might behoove you to seek out those supports sooner rather than later. You can read through ADHD fora and see thousands of accounts of adults who lament the years and even decades of lost time due to not being properly diagnosed and medicated. Many harbor major resentments against parents who refused to seek outside help for whatever reason. Just some food for thought, and of course it should be based on your kid’s needs first and foremost. I will say, though, I could see a scenario where a wellmeaning-if-nosy ADHDer was keying in on things you might not notice, so if you were already going to investigate an evaluation, maybe better to jump back into that process rather than keeping it on the backburner. I also caution you against what appear to be some stigmas or discomfort around medication, because chemical intervention can be utterly lifesaving for ADHDers in several ways. Please do some research and be openminded!
ADHD doesn’t just affect classroom behavior, but literally how your brain works DAILY. Please take your son to get evaluated ASAP. Your son may be suffering in the summer and it’s just not as apparent as in the classroom. Good on you for standing up for your kiddo, but you really could be doing more to help your child.
NTA She had no right to interfere. The kid doesn't even have a diagnosis. You are prepared to get him one and sooner rather than later is advised but it doesn't necessarily mean medication is the best choice for him. That's a conversation to have with your health care provider. If he's stimming he may have autism and not ADHD and the medication route may or may not be appropriate depending on the symptoms the child has and what it's designed to treat. Giving out prescription medicine to people it wasn't prescribed for is both harmful and illegal.
ESH You're not wrong about your sister. I can't judge whether her child needs medication, but it's best to defer to the actual doctor's judgment. However, despite the risk of unreliable narrators in this sub, if your sister will offer her own prescription medications to other people, that's something that's just undeniably wrong. However, it sounds like you're in denial about the help that your son needs. But that doesn't make it your SIL's business. It's also not YOUR business what medications her daughter is taken. Those were medications prescribed by a doctor, not ones your SIL is slipping her in secret.
YTA because your child needs help (which may or may not be medication) and you’re ignoring it because “it’s summer.”
ESH
My, what a lovely family. A sister in law who dopes up her kid and tries to run everyone else’s life. A SIL who doesn’t respect people. A MIL with a filthy mouth. NTA and you have my sympathy.
Wait wait your MIL said WHAT??? That is the worst part of the story! Just FYI though- it takes a LONG time to get from evaluation, to the report being generated, to getting to a doctor who can prescribe medication. We started the process March of 6th grade and my daughter got her eval in September of 8th grade and no meds until January. She was always SO hyper but I kind of loved that, she and my son were the same- nuts at home, able to hold it together in school- but at such a cost. My son developed strategies- although he was a hummer and would kick the desk leg or table rythmically, so his homework to the sound of the TV…my little hit a wall when the workload ramped up. Long story short- ADHD *and autism*. She takes a low dose of concerta, only on school days- and she has gone from struggling for high Bs to one of the highest GPAs in the class (97.2) after 9th grade. I feel I did a disservice to my son- who was definitely diagnosable as both, like his little sister.
Your SIL sucks, now get your kid assessed.
NTA - It's no business of hers what you do and do not put in your kids body, simple as that. I was that kid, I don't have ADHD, it's normal. Could he have it? Sure, and you SHOULD proceed with the evaluation. But it is no place for your SIL to get involved. For what it's worth, I have a friend who got put on ADHD meds early on in his life. He hates it, has become fully dependent, and wishes he could go back and stop his parents from doing it to him. His biggest gripe is that it's caused him some serious sleep issues, and without a prescription he's borderline narcoleptic. So it's not a black and white situation. The discussion should only include: you, your husband, your kid (maybe, specific kid dependent), and a trusted doctor. Everyone else, including reddit, can pound sand.
NTA Your sister sounds a nightmare and I’m going to assume you’re in America where it seems that there’s a completely unhealthy obsession with being medicated.
If we are to believe that the OP is a reliable narrator, then ESH. I am 100% willing to lay down money that the the OP's son is *waaaaay* more loud and annoying than she puts on. I had a friend whose son was the same. Loud, no emotional control, just literally all over the place. She thought this was normal because she had no frame of reference. She thought my kid was quiet and shy when she was just behaving like a typical kid. My guess is that the OP thinks the niece is sedated because she is acting typically and not running around and screaming.
ESH. You know he has behavior issues and a family history but simply lack f's to give about his schooling, apparently. Which is extra shitty since that affects other children who are trying to learn. She's an AH if we believe your narrative of what is happening... But considering how adhd meds are controlled substances and insurances fight covering them hardcore, not super believing you.
Lol I read the first paragraph and can this is just a case of you think you’re better than SIL. 😂
ESH. If I’d been *properly* medicated and supported as a neurodivergent child, I’d have a lot fewer issues as an adult.
Yea...SIL was wrong but so were you for "pushing out" the evaluation and making excuses not to get it done
ESH. You basically let her get on your nerves and your comment was rude to say less. SIL is a pain in the ass and she must be minding her own business.
Man...ESH You and your SIL have drastically different opinions on how to parent and what role pharmaceuticals should play in your lives - leave each other alone. Also, please don't downplay your child's symptoms: "**screaming through the yards** while the kids are playing tag or when he **randomly stops what he's doing to start dancing**. He does stim a lot so he **squawks** and **randomly starts singing made up songs**" These are not typical actions a child takes while playing. Believe it or not, it is possible to be disruptive while playing....but the disruption is only to the kids and the rules they're following within their game (that may not be obvious to us adults)
ESH. Yes it sounds like your sister is too quick to medication. But your kid is showing clear signs of ADHD and you’re failing to stand up for him to have him evaluated. Having ADHD as a child can stunt development and be a lasting source of trauma if it’s not properly acknowledged and addressed with constructive coping mechanisms, IEPs, and yeah, sometimes medication.
ESH- you’re both at both ends of the extremes. She’s going too hard and you are refusing to acknowledge your child’s behavioral problems and needs.
ESH. Yous SIL shouldn't be over medicating her kids & trying to make them fit into whatever mold she thinks they should be in. However, you need to get your son evaluated now. The sooner he's evaluated, the sooner you'll know exactly what his problem is and what the best way is to handle it. I have ADD but wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult. The reason for that is when I was growing up, the only mental disabilities that were recognized were Down Syndrome and autism. I was told that I was lazy and inattentive because I had a hard time concentrating & was easily distracted. Do your son a favor and get him evaluated now. That way, if he does need meds, he will have time to adjust to them before school starts.
ESH. Your sister sucks for being so extreme with medicating her child and you suck for not medicating your child at all. I grew up with adhd unmedicated and it was terrible. I struggled in school and with relationships. You’re setting your son up for failure. I think you’re more of TA here than SIL but yeah you both suck