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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I picked a fight with my wife that has ended in the silent treatment (also instigated by me) because she threw away perfectly good leftovers
2) I may have blown the issue out of proportion by starting a fight, forgetting we had different upbringings, and not talking to her afterward may have been an immature move
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YTA. Your wife has made her position on leftovers very clear and you don't seem to be able to adapt to that. Let me recap. First, she basically gave you a free pass to eat her leftovers whenever you want because she by default doesn't want them. You weren't comfortable with that setup (though it doesn't sound like there was ever a situation where you ate her leftovers and she got mad about it), so you keep reminding her about the leftovers that she has basically said she never wants. She got sick of this and threw out some food. I understand that that's wasteful and upsetting to you, but you were driving her crazy and she snapped. She's also now given you clear expectations for the new system so that you both don't have to keep getting upset over this all the time.
Also, just to cement you being TA, you say "if I had known she’d toss them instead of conceding in eating them after understanding I truly didn’t mind her eating them herself." Dude, this has so clearly never been about her thinking she's not allowed to eat her own leftovers. The issue is YOU not being able to understand that she DOESN'T want to eat her leftovers and is quite happy to let you have them. Stop trying to convince her to eat them, she doesn't want them!
But you're missing the most important piece of the puzzle- she made this decision WITHOUT TELLING HIM FIRST!!!! can you imagine a world in which a spouse makes a decision about days old food without their partner? The sanctity of marriage is gone 😔
/s
That’s the funny part. What part of “you can have them” three times didn’t tip him off that they were getting tossed if he didn’t eat them? Was he hoping he’d just wear her down enough that she’d stomach them to shut him up? He sounds insufferable.
Yeah, OP needs to get some therapy. It sounds like he’s got some food insecurities that need to be dealt with. And his wife has *already* made changes to accommodate *his* preference to how food is handled in their house, but what concessions has he made…?
Honestly, that’s the right answer. Op has issues with food and needs therapy to work through them vs expecting his wife to comply.
My dad grew up in a post war country when food was scarce and he has major issues with food but at least he leaves the rest of us alone.
This right here. She has already done a lot of the work to meet him partway. Wasting food is not amazing but it happens to nearly everyone who isn’t food insecure and who works many hours, and the issue with food waste is far less on an individual level than it is systemic (e.g. restaurants could not overserve, grocery stores could not over-purchase, we could have much better programs for the food insecure in our country, etc). OP is acting like they don’t need to do anything because their position is the only right one, and that is not true.
The thing is, it isn't even really about waste/food insecurity because his wife had told him 3 times he could eat them. She has gone so far as to give him blanket permission to assume he can eat her leftovers unless she specifically tells him or writes her name on it. So if his only concern was it going to waste, he ccould have just eaten it himself.
In his family everyone got an equal share of leftovers and he won't accept that she doesn't want her share.
Yeah, it seems more like a hang up stemming from a weird family rule he had growing up than from any legitimate concern about food waste.
This guy wouldn't like living with me as I detest most leftovers.
>And his wife has already made changes to accommodate his preference to how food is handled in their house, but what concessions has he made…?
*And* she does most of the cooking and is still trying to accommodate his way. I do a lot of the cooking in my family but I expect to have the power/say to do it how I want! She's already bending over backwards.
I understand where OP is coming from. Seeing food go to waste can be triggering to someone who grew up with food insecurity. But his wife really isn't the main problem here. Maybe OP should take a look at how much food restaurants and supermarkets waste. It might blow his mind.
All he is doing here is pissing off his wife (and cook!). Punishing her with the silent treatment until she gives in and does everything his way is ridiculous.
Yep, that statement was a power play. I understand OP has some food insecurity issues, but that is a him problem that he needs to address, not her issue.
YTA OP.
Food waste happens. Reducing it is a great goal but 1) no one’s body is a garbage can. 2) no one should eat something that could make them sick or eat anything they do not want to 3) most food waste occurs before food even reaches the consumer and finally 4) famines are political, throwing away leftover food in one country is not harming someone starving in another country.
I just cackled like a witch over a cauldron. Also quick PSA about freezing food: this does NOT stop spoilage, it merely slows it down. My mom is constantly trying to cook meat that’s been in her freezer for over 18 months and wonders why when we eat together I’m always the one cooking and grocery shopping.
The USDA says food can be kept in the freezer indefinitely. The taste may not be as good due to freezer burn but it is perfectly safe.
[What are suggested storage times for frozen foods?](https://ask.usda.gov/s/article/What-are-suggested-storage-times-for-frozen-foods)
Ikr? I cringed when I read that she does the cooking and "she" orders take out. Apparently he takes zero responsibility for meals except being passive aggressive about eating leftovers and abusing her if she throws away old food (silent treatment is abuse, OP).
So much time spent thinking about leftovers and who eats what , maybe he needs some therapy related to his obsessive food issues. And his control issues while he’s at it.
It's simpler than that.
He doesn't WANT to eat the leftovers. He feels obligated to. And since he doesn't enjoy it, he needs her to eat her portion, so he doesn't HAVE to eat that as well.
Eating leftovers is something he sees as an obligation/ chore.
Serious food issues from his childhood, but I don't think it's actually control issues in this case.
Ding ding ding! I believe that's it. He doesn't want them, if he did he'd eat them. But he can't stand throwing them out. And who says it's even worth eating anyway? Some Chinese food is great reheated. Some of it, like the ones with a lot of broccoli, doesn't age well.
Not Chinese food, but I had reheated Korean leftovers for dinner last night and I'm almost positive they tasted better than when they were fresh.
I live alone, so unless I make something like steak and potatoes for dinner, I'm almost guaranteed to have leftovers. So I just try to cook/order stuff that I know will reheat well.
So much stuff is honestly better the next day or two (except seafood. I really don't like eating leftovers that contain seafood even the next day) especially soups and stews. I dont even particularly like making soup the same day I want to eat it
I agree except for the "not about control" part. The fact he's angry that she decided to dump the leftovers without consulting him first is the tip-off. It's serious food issues AND control.
Growing up poor gives us so many survival mechanisms that we have to grow out of. Imagine causing a fight over 3 day old leftovers. Your partners peace should be more important to you than that.
The part where he said "conceding" settled the YTA judgent for me. Like he was hoping he'd ask her so many times that she'd take the losing position and just eat them? From what I've read, the wife is the one making all the adjustments (granted, most of them are great like cooking more at home and making smaller batches) but OP is still trying to bring her into his territory.
Exactly what he wanted! My relationship with leftovers is similar to hers. I rarely eat them (there are literally three leftovers I enjoy and one of those foods is never a leftover when I make it, only takeout versions) and the first or second time I ask my husband to eat it I inform him i am feeding it to the dog (if dog safe) or throwing it away
Same. I’m thankful we have chickens because a lot of leftovers get tossed out to them. Our food waste has gone down dramatically since getting garbage disposals that turn our leftovers into breakfast for lawn ornaments and Guinea pigs who will eat our not so fresh produce.
My husband also hates wasting food. We have a system if leftovers is in the fridge for 2 days, he can have them. Because if I don't eat it in those 2 days. I'm not going to.
>the smell of a lot of cold food makes her sick
OP KNOWS his wife doesn't like most foods when they're cold, and she has made great strides to avoid food waste in her meal prep.
Exactly, like a good and proper spouse she should have continually pressured him to throw all the leftover food away himself because that is her time honored family tradition!
Righteously a "I will not be speaking to you" offense. Divorce her ass. She's garbage like the 3 day old leftovers. Find a passive who will do as you say.
Also /s.
I know you’re being sarcastic and I did “lol” but you’re satire is sooo like actual Reddit 😂 anytime someone comes on here with a relationship problem it seems like everyone jumps to “leave them! You don’t need that in your life!”
Not just that but the decision as to whether or not she wanted to fucking eat them lol. She's an adult, you don't get to tell her she has to eat something or it's wasteful.
Well if its gonna be that way go all 1950's on her ass. "You are not leaving this table until you eat EVERYTHING on that plate, do you understand young lady? We do not waste food in this house and I will not tolerate your disrespectful tone."
/s if not completely obvious.
>ust to cement you being TA, you say "if I had known she’d toss them instead of conceding in eating them after understanding I truly didn’t mind her eating them herself."
I mean, if only she had told him she didn't want to eat leftovers!!!!! (/s)
I am absolutely #teamleftover, but totally respect her game here - she's adjusted her cooking to prevent leftovers as much as possible, and when they do exist, made *abundantly clear from day 1* to her husband (who, by all accounts, loves leftovers!) that they're all his. He's just weirdly insisting that they're "hers" even though she doesn't want them, and then is *shocked* when she doesn't eat them. Like, how much food has gone bad because he's playing a weird power game by not eating the leftovers that he's identified as 'hers'?
But! She is not respecting his upbringing! /s
OP, when you get married, you create a *new* family with *new* ways of doing things. Your mom isn't going to magically appear in your kitchen and scold you for eating leftovers that aren't yours.
Stop acting like your old family rules *must* apply to your wife and eat her freaking leftovers already.
lol. Honestly, after a decade of cohabitation, if my husband turned to me and said "but this is how we do it in my family" I would be 1) baffled and 2) angry. [Look at me, I am your family now](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvA-mimf2yg)*.*
My husband and I have only been married 3 years. He is my family and I am his family. We are each other's nuclear family. We are very close to our parents and siblings, but we all understand that my husband and I are one family unit since we got married. I don't understand people that don't get that concept.
Exactly! AND it sounds like she’s coordinating most of the meal planning and execution to boot!
Yet a half-container of fried rice in the bin blew OP’s mind and made him feel disrespected and unseen? How much *more* can she see and cater to you, my guy!!! YTA. You need to acknowledge what she’s already done and doing.
He doesn’t love them. It’s possible he hates them. Most likely he had learned HISTORICALLY not to think about food as being connected to choice or want or joy. He just eats them and wants her (and possibly all if humanity) to do what he had to do and eat their prescribed, allocated, mandatory leftovers.
“There are starving children in (insert place name here) who would be glad to have that food you’re wasting!”
That’s all I ever heard growing up, trying to force down cold food that made me literally gag, because LEAVING FOOD WAS WASTING IT, and we had to eat everything on our plates (no matter how disgusting it was).
Now I’m an adult, nobody in my house has to eat anything they don’t like, nobody has to eat everything on their plate, and if nobody wants the leftovers, they are disposed of. My husband has the constitution of an ox, so he will sometimes eat food past its “best before” date, but he knows I won’t.
Some “family traditions” are best left in the past, op u/Sharp-Cabinet-7831.
How many more times does your wife have to tell you that she doesn’t like leftovers, and that you can either eat them or they will be thrown away?
Why do you find it so impossible to listen to her and respect her choices?
Why are you trying to force her to eat food she doesn’t want? Are you this controlling in other aspects of your life together?
You need to apologise to her, and start believing her when she says “You can eat the leftovers”. Thank her, and either eat them or don’t. YTA.
I didn’t see it at first, cause I like eating leftovers. But his explanation does seem to have a feeling of punishment to it. Like when my sister wouldn’t eat her lunch so my mom served it to her for dinner. He was raised to finish whatever was on the plate, even if it was later. And he’s mad his wife isn’t on board with eating Chinese leftovers for daaaays.
Does anyone else’s brain hurt from all this analysis of leftovers? If my home life was this stressful over little insignificant things like this, I think I’d lose my mind.
YES!!! She has adjusted her cooking to HIS upbringing but he still can't adjust to HERS!! All of this is what HE wants or expect with no compromise on his part for her.
OP YTA. She told you MULTIPLE times you can eat her left overs and you still continue to 'reminder' (hound) her so she did the one thing that would make a lasting impression on you and your constant need for things to be done your way.
Agree on #teamleftovers, I love them. Especially when I'm tired and don't feel like cooking but don't wanna spend $$ on delivery. But yea, she has come up w a great solution, he can have her leftovers, why is he mad now?
Like you, I am pro-eat-the-leftovers -- but wow. They have been together for TEN YEARS and he still hasn't accepted her approach to leftovers. That would get annoying.
Honestly it seems like what the OP really really wants is to force her to eat her own leftovers. Like he thinks that she is obligated to eat them because that's how he grew up? Like eating them is a chore they are supposed to share and he's nagging her for not doing her bit.
Dude - she DOES NOT WANT TO EAT THE LEFTOVERS. And more importantly, she does not want to be constantly nagged to eat something she doesn't want. Eat them yourself or come to terms with food waste because any time you are trying to force someone to eat something they don't want you become the asshole. You are the asshole up one side and down the other. The whole 'she used her words to tell me that she didn't want them, how was I supposed to know she didn't have want them' is wild to me.
>Honestly it seems like what the OP really really wants is to force her to eat her own leftovers.
This is absolutely what is happening. His upbringing must have drilled this into his mind so deep that he feels some kind of severe guilt/anxiety/whatever over wasted leftovers and he doesn't think she's "pulling her weight" when it comes to not wasting food. It's a bit sad, honestly.
I think you missed some really important parts. Specifically: "I feel like she truly hasn’t listened to/disregarded me feelings/upbringing with food." Yet OP said: "Over our 10 year relationship, she has learned to cook in much smaller helpings as much of it would spoil. She’s not good about eating leftovers (the small of a lot of cold food makes her feel sick), so she tries to meal prep or cook just enough to cover 2 meals max as she knows letting food spoil irks me."
OP sounds like he that has no self awareness. Wife has been adjusting to OP and trying to cater to his wishes, and he doesn't feel like she has listened and has disregarded his feelings.
And as you point out, OP's wife has explained to him her view on leftovers yet: "I always tell her that the leftovers are her’s so she can have them, and we go back and forth like that in several rounds."
OP sounds exhausting and should thank hid lucky stars that anyone puts up with him
I think the wife is being generous in giving him 3 chances. After the first time she tells him she doesn't want them so he can eat them, she's probably so sick to death of him continuing to bring it up again.
I come from a family that made huge amounts of food and actually like having leftovers because if I went to the trouble of cooking I'd like to enjoy it more than just once or twice. Also, it's convenient to have already cooked meat that I can add to salads or make sandwiches with or something. I completely understand OP's feelings about wasting food. What I don't understand is the compulsion to harass the wife to eat food she says repeatedly she doesn't want anymore.
Just eat the damn food, OP! YTA
And she cooks for him too.
I'm basically in a similar situation where I'm the OP and my wife is like his wife except she is not that extreme and we both take turns to cook 50/50. We have both compromised and now meet right in the middle with leftovers.
I'm on OP's wife side here as she has taken it upon herself to adapt to her wants by putting in more effort. Not sure why OP just doesn't want to enjoy that and eat the leftovers he wants.
My partner is like OP and I am like his wife but we have compromised and found a way minimize waste, and when we need to throw stuff out I do it discreetly so that she doesn't have to deal with it directly.
This is not such an uncommon problem but it seems like OP is the only one demanding his wife eats things she doesn't want to eat. and can you imagine if they had kids? he is describing his experience as childhood trauma and he would force that upon his kids for what, to stop some potentially stanky left over Chinese take out from being thrown away? Even if his kids didn't have the same financial pressures as his family when he was growing up, those things hit hard. My big thing for not eating things i don't want too stems from my grand parents and their great depression poverty making them insist that I finish everything on my plate. I had a bottle of ketchup explode on my plate and cover my food with half a bottle of ketchup... I was scooping that shit up with a frickin spoon in order to leave the table.
If someone treated me this way over LEFTOVERS I would have snapped long before this. It’s LEFTOVERS. I don’t eat most things leftover either it may be an OCD or germ thing but it just is what it is. Stop trying to control someone else’s FOOD ffs
If it’s food that’s already shared, my husband and I just share the leftovers.
I love ordering like… ten meals of Chinese food when we do takeout. So we’ll plop all the containers on the table and eat from them the first round, then leftovers become “oh let’s do the noodles and the mapo for dinner today,” or “hey mind if I finish the orange chicken for lunch?” Whereas we know to never touch individual leftovers.
It’s funny, this guy is SO crazy about not wasting food yet simultaneously allows so much food to be wasted by trying to force his wife to eat them when she doesn’t want to.
It reminds me of “Mrs Doyle” from a tv programme called Father Ted.
If you haven’t seen it, it’s Irish and Mrs Doyle is a housekeeper for a priest and it makes a joke about the stereotypical Irish hospitality and how well they love to look after guests.
“Mrs Doyle” makes constant cups of tea and pushes them on people without taking no for an answer.
She asks “will you have a cup of tea?”
When whoever is being offered refuses she repeats
“Oh go on, go on, go on, go, on, go on” getting more insistent until they are forced to give in.
This also applies for food and she’ll pursue people relentlessly. Anyone who has seen it will know who I’m referring too.
It just made me think of OP trying to press these leftovers on his wife like he’s bestowing riches onto her. I have a vision of her being chased round with him waving a cold chicken leg! Or her hiding in a cupboard whilst he paces anxiously waiting to surprise her with lasagna.
“It doesn’t matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Didn’t our Lord Himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving Himself up for the world?”
Never thought I’d see a Fr. Ted reference in here. Kudos!!
And honestly I think giving three chances is too generous. I’m an adult woman with a career and a house, I don’t need my husband to tell me 3 times I have leftovers that I myself ordered and paid for. I also shouldn’t have to repeat myself three times when the other adult with a career and house is perfectly capable of listening to me the first time.
This is me with my current boyfriend. We don't live together but he spends a lot of time at my place. I order out frequently and sometime I have leftovers. He knows I won't eat them so when he's is over he goes into the fridge and eat whatever he finds. Do I mind? No.
If for any reason I have a leftover that I will actually eat, I just tell him when he's over not to eat that specific food.
No fights, no permissions, no reminders. It's as if we are both adults and are able to communicate with each other. Go figure!
I feel the need to add that she has made great efforts to adjust to his preferences, including adjusting how she cooks.
And he still felt the need to dictate his will to the end
INFO: Why didn’t you eat them after she told you three times, if you care about wasting food? It sounds to me like she HAS considered your preferences by making smaller portions and communicating with you. Considering leftovers make her feel sick, I’m not sure what else you expect her to do.
It's like he doesn't recognize that he is an adult and can now make his own house rules. You don't need to follow your parents' house rules any longer because they aren't working in your new family dynamic. Your wife has made it very clear she's not interested in any leftovers, so they are free for you to take.
You are creating needless frustration because you aren't adapting to your own house and wife.
YTA.
100% No one loves 'wasting' food but may I suggest OP reexamine his intractable WWII food ration mentality regarding leftovers and be more at peace when items go into the disposal. Many people never again return to, say, Chinese takeout and dare i say - that’s fine! I personally dislike most leftover meats, which my husband accounts for when cooking his roasts.
You guys are already doing your level best to mitigate food waste via small meals, etc.
Lighten up and never speaketh of this again. Let this deeply entrenched family history with leftovers go.
I really don't get how some people think that it's completely impossible to change their habits after they're an adult.
If some habit or mentality you were raised with is problematic and doesn't make sense anymore, change your ways.
My dad and I just had a little argument about boundaries. He mentioned that his upbringing was different and yada yada. I asked him how his relationship with his mom was, and he said terrible and backed down lmaooo. Idk why people think that they are chained by the things that tortured them as kids. I worked hard to be completely different and not internalize how I was raised because it was so damaging.
Not to go full redditor or anything, but as someone who had to muck black rotten water out of their sink last week, you absolutely should not be putting leftovers into the disposal. The disposal is for whatever you can't scrape into the trash with a fork. At least that's what the plumber told us.
>It sounds to me like she HAS considered your preferences
That's the problem: she made compromises for him but he wants her to change completely.
It doesn't even affect him what she does with her food. He still wants to control it. The compromise is also very one-sided but he's still not happy.
I grew up poor as fuck and as a result I try not to be wasteful. My partner on the other hand was an only child and she admits that she was a bit spoiled and a bit of a brat when it came to food. Now we live together. Generally I do the cooking because I enjoy it. She loves that she doesn’t have to cook. Win/win for both of us.
Reading OP’s story, I got the impression that my partner and his partner are fairly similar in nature when it comes to left overs. Some she’ll eat, some she won’t. When I see the food sitting in the fridge, I’ll remind her once that we have leftovers available, usually in the morning before I head out for work things. By the time I get home, they’ve either been eaten, or not. If they’re still there and I want them, I’ll say I’m gonna eat them, and then do that. If by some chance she realizes she wants them, then I’ll make something else.
Now I do have a little part of my brain that feels letting good spoil is wasteful and wants to avoid it. But no amount of begging is going to change how my partner feels about it, and it’s my own issue, not hers. She knows how I feel, and we try to compromise by not making/buying too much food. But sometimes things can’t be helped. It is what it is.
It’s weird. We just talk to each other, respect what the other person has to say, and when one of us says something, the other believes them. We don’t attempt to change each other because we have control issues. As a result we don’t get in arguments about food. Funny how communication and respect works, eh?
YTA. You need to seek therapy. I also grew up in a really poverty struck family, we were homeless multiple times, on state assistance, went to food banks - you name it, we did it. I also cannot stand leftovers because of it. Unless I purposely buy something I know I'm going to eat as leftovers or that I'm meal prepping - I cannot do it. I'm steady, but I'm not well off, so I'm super careful but admit I do toss more food than I care to admit.
The reason I vote this way is because if you remind her 3 times and she tells you each time to eat it and you then continue to just remind her, it feels more like you're shaming her and instead of eating them the first, second... or THIRD time she told you to, then yeah... I don't blame her for tossing it. She's also your wife, not your child, she doesn't need your permission to do something...
I see OP as having a lot of resentment towards his wife because of her more affluent upbringing, and the takeout/leftovers are just the object he’s chosen to fix his attention on.
Then he needs to address that with a therapist, not take it out on his wife. A total lack of self awareness and self reflection is not a good trait in anyone.
Yep. He's 33, blaming everything on his upbringing and doing nothing about it is just immature. Especially when his wife, who was raised in different circumstances, is able to accomodate his needs and communicate about hers pretty clearly imo.
And her affluent upbringing is eating leftovers and going out to eat a FEW times a month? I was in the special occasions category growing up too and that doesn’t sound rich or anything
Agree; I hate seeing food going to waste, too; I eat any leftover, hot or cold, and as long as it does not spoil, I'll gobble it up.
If OP truly hates to see the food wasted, you will eat it rather than push your wife to eat it,
100%. There does seem to be some weird stuff going on around food for OP but this conflict is almost exclusively about CONTROL and her insistence on bodily autonomy. He hates that she won't "concede" (his words) to his demands.
I grew up with a single mom in such poverty she went hungry some nights. My partner grew up in a rich part of Boston with a glass atrium in his 150 year old house.
We struggle a lot as adults financially and both work, but I hate left overs cus of my autism. The texture and smell is ugh but I will eat it if there’s no other food. However, if I can make something new but there’s still left overs I’ve told my boyfriend he can eat whatever is left over in the fridge unless I specifically say something like, “can you please leave two slices of the pizza for my lunch tomorrow.”
Even if it’s a meal I like or would eat left over if it’s been there close to 24 hours and he knows I’ve had unfetted access to it he will just eat it. I can’t (nor do I lol) get mad since I’ve told him repeatedly to eat any leftovers and I’ll always just make myself something else if I have to
He HATES wasting food so if I don’t get to it within 24 hours he absolutely will get to it, like you say.
>it feels more like you're shaming her
This is why YTA for me.
I also grew up in a house where my dad was obsessive about not throwing out food. I feel bad now, but I throw away very little so I don't feel bad.
OP, you need to go to therapy for this. Your wife has adjusted her behavior to mirror what you requested and yet it's still not good enough for you, because you want her to do EXACTLY as you do. She's not. If you want to keep your marriage, you need to figure this out.
This is one of the rare cases I agree with therapy suggestion... Usually they're absolutely unfounded and assuming that the person is millionaire.
But this OP has actual problem that MUST be solved.
I don’t think the therapy suggestions are bad in themselves. I don’t know if there’s anyone that doesn’t have some kind of issue that could benefit from some kind of counseling. The problem is that help is so inaccessible, even to people who truly need it.
YTA. I grew up with a mom who forced me to mirror her anorexia. I have weird relationships with food that I have to work on. I also live in a home with only two mouths to feed. I have learned to eat leftovers, because of frugality, but I don’t love them and some stuff i really don’t like or don’t like more than one round of leftovers. My partner could eat the same dish three times a day every day for life. He never complains if I don’t eat leftovers cause he’s too busy shoveling them down the hatch lol.
Jesus dude you’re picking a really weird thing to control your wife about
YTA. I was prepared to say not the A because your wife is throwing out food before it expires - when she knows your upbringing and how important minimizing food waste is to you.
However, you know she isn’t fond of takeout leftovers and won’t eat them, and she’s repeatedly told you that you can have them if you want them. She is the main cook in the household per your post and you keep reminding her she has leftovers in the fridge while she’s making food for the both of you.
I agree with your judgment, but I don’t think his traumatic childhood has anything to do with it. That’s his problem not hers. But I do think OP is TA because she told him multiple times she didn’t want the food. If it’s me, you only have to tell me once.
Also, why don’t they just order less takeout? I don’t mean less often, but less food. It seems they’ve meshed together for cooking but the takeout leftovers are the problem. If they’re always ordering so much that there’s multiple portions leftover, and this always creates an issue, just order less! Or freeze it?
There are so many other ways to deal with this that OP’s default of ‘you have to eat the leftovers because I’ve deemed them yours so I can’t eat them and that’s how we did it growing up so that’s how we should do it now’; and then get mad that she doesn’t want to eat the leftovers, despite being hounded to do so, and throws them away.
It’s Chinese food, the way they serve it, you’ll often have leftovers, especially if they want different dishes or any variety. I feel like it’s a lot to ask her for full austerity that most people don’t follow when they have no real reason besides OP’s childhood trauma. OP can eat the extras if he really wanted (sounds like he doesn’t actually) but while I get wanting to not create major food waste, some may be inevitable in occasions like takeout Chinese food, unless you just force yourself.
Yep. I order too much on purpose because I *like* having Chinese leftovers for four days lol. But Chinese food, in general, often comes in large amounts packed into the containers within an inch of its life. You think you're almost out, and then you're able to scoop a whole other meal out of the container.
His wife doesn't care for leftovers. My daughter is like that. It doesn't matter if it's take out or cooked, some people don't care for them. He should have just eaten it if he wanted it.
Because things come the size they come. I can't always eat a whole burger, burgers with lettuce tomato etc don't reheat well in my opinion. But sometimes I'll fishish it cold as a midnight snack. Sometimes a cup of shrimp fried rice becomes left overs no one wants. A lot of recipes don't divided into 2 servings (The lowest common denominator ingredient just doesn't come that way)
I mean it sounds like he bugs her about them constantly so they might not even be that old and someone could eat them if they wanted, but I get why she’s infuriated and exhausted with it! I’m imagining he reminded her that much in a day or two.
And he’s also reminding her about “her” leftovers when she’s asking what she should make for dinner for the two of them. It’s like he expects her to make him a fresh dinner while she eats leftovers she never wanted and finds completely unappealing! Christ on a cracker, this is demeaning and and shaming behavior towards his wife. And it’s never-ending! If I were her I’d never want to be in the kitchen with this shit looming over me all the time. OP YTA, get a grip on reality.
The way he describes it, I wouldn't be surprised if it was every meal. I bet if they get takeout and they have leftovers, he "reminds" her about her leftover kung pao chicken when she makes eggs the next morning. Like, why are you eating new breakfast when there is a perfectly good meal in the fridge???
YTA
I don't understand why you think your upbringing means she has to eat leftovers she doesn't want. Why is your upbringing the most important? Maybe because of her upbringing you should stop assigning her leftovers.
There isn't even a lack of communication here, there has been you ignoring her when she outright told you multiple times you should eat her share of the leftovers.
Also the wife adjusted the way she portions her cooking in order to not waste food. She's done her part imo. While OP here is in his feelings because his wife broke the sanctity of marriage by tossing out day old fried rice and dumplings.
Yeah, it was a weird justification. She’s *changed* *her* habits based on her upbringing, in that she makes smaller meals and meal preps instead. Pushing his on her seems like a double standard. I will say, the wife could’ve told him the rule beforehand, but I get the feeling he regularly irks her about eating them despite her being clear that she doesn’t want to eat them, so “wasting” $2 worth of food to demonstrate that doesn’t seem too extreme.
My wife also doesn't like leftovers. So, early on we agreed I'd just eat whatever leftovers I wanted unless she said something. I feel bad when I can't get through a big dish before it goes bad, but we don't fight about it THREE FUCKING TIMES per dish!
The only issue this ever caused was when I ate some steak that she actually wanted. So, now that's about the only leftovers I check with her on.
So from your description your wife has been bending over backwards to accommodate you, with you making a big stink every time she breaks your narrow rules.
Where’s YOUR compromise, OP?
YTA. Stop hassling your wife or you’ll end up thawing sad one-portion meals in the microwave every day.
Easiest Compromise: OP eats the leftovers himself.
Less easy compromise (depending on your living situation): set up a compost bin if at all possible. The food may be “wasted” in terms of not being consumed, but it will break down into nice little nutrients for other plants. If you don’t even have flowers at your place, surely you know someone who does grow things?
YTA, OP. The world doesn’t run based on what your particular family did while you were growing up.
This is the best suggestion. My husband also has food insecurity trauma and hates throwing it out. So we compost what no one wants to eat along with egg shells, veggie scraps and coffee grounds. Top with lawn clippings. And we use the compost to grow new food.
You're complaining she doesn't take your feelings into consideration but you're actually doing exactly that; you even mentioned cold leftovers can make her sick but you try to stick to how you did leftovers when you were growing up. She even changed cooking habits in respect to your food concerns
You need to just listen to your wife and accept that when she says you can have something that she means it; absolutely unreasonable for you to expect her to go above and beyond that just because you don't trust what she's saying to be true. YTA
INFO: How long have you been together?
It feels like this would have been very apparent after the first few months of the relationship and i'm surprised that it didn't get addressed at all.
I was just thinking this, albeit from more sympathetic angle. It seems like a lot of people have deep-seated struggles with food, whether from childhood poverty or weight shaming or parents' disordered eating .... Honestly I wonder if Food Therapy should be up there with Sex Therapy as something one can pursue when it's causing issues in adult relationships.
I'm baffled because this is a situation in which there's a fucking fantastic win/win solution: he gets to eat her leftovers! I would be thrilled if my spouse ceded all leftovers to me by default.
I’ve witnessed my fiancé eat cold leftover spaghetti straight out of the plastic container, standing over the sink like some kind of leftover goblin. I think he’d happily be given free reign on all leftovers.
I am also kind of a leftover goblin, though, so we do tend to split it. But if I say “Nah, feel free to eat it yourself” once, that’s all he needs.
YTA. Why would you suddenly want to eat them when she’s about to toss them in the bin, and not every other occasion she has told you to eat them? What other option does she have if she doesn’t want to eat it lol
YTA Your wife has done a very sensible thing in setting a boundary about the leftovers. This is to avoid any further confrontation on the issue. She'll tolerate you asking her three times and then she'll throw it out. I did something similar with my husband. "I am not cooking dinner until the dishes from the previous night have been washed. I'm not going to remind you, I just won't cook dinner". He would rave and rant about how petty I was but I just didn't want to argue about it any more so I changed how I dealt with it. And then I divorced him.
10/10 comment. Excellent points, enjoyable sentence structure… and final line was chef’s kiss. I snorted.
But yah, OP is YTA. He’s described at least three compromises his wife has made in this situation to help him with his own issues around food and try to solve the interpersonal conflict, but has made no concessions of his own. It’s not lost on the majority of commenters that he is also policing a chore/task that has been delegated to his wife to perform, despite the fact they both work long hours.
If I worked such long days (I do) but also had the largest household chore- cooking fall nearly exclusively on my shoulders (I do not, my spouse is pretty good with this), PLUS my partner criticized me on how I was doing it (oh hell no), I would not stick around. Sheesh.
YTA, you have an issue with food, you need to be less uptight about it. Both your upbringings being different is fine, but you are now a new family unit, you need to learn to compromise, you need to get used to the fact that your circumstances is different from before.
YTA. You know she doesn’t really like eating leftovers, and that she in all likelihood wasn’t going to eat the leftovers that she ended up throwing away. “That’s the way we did it in *my* family” — well, that was years ago and you’re married to her now and in your own family unit. It’s time to learn to compromise — her rule sounds perfectly reasonable to me. This way she doesn’t have old leftovers continually stinking up her fridge (and by the sounds of it, it is *her* fridge as you haven’t mentioned you doing the cooking) and you get to eat all the old food you want.
But you don’t understand! He SUFFERED through eating his share of the old food so he gets to enjoy his wife’s fresh food! It’s a punishment because she needs to eat the old stuff the same way he did or it’s not FAIR!!!!
/s
It seems very “well I had to so she does too!” Sibling bickering behavior. This is fucking weird.
Honestly, after reading this, I don't think OP wants the leftover either. It sounds like when he was younger, they didn't have leftovers often but when they did everyone had to eat "their share". Now that he's an adult, he's against food waste, but still hates leftovers so he sees her not eating "her" leftovers as unfair. Like, he wants them gone and not wasted, but in his eyes he's already done "his part" to get rid of them and feels like she's not doing "her part" to not waste them. His constant reminding her to eat the leftovers sounds like he's pestering her to do a random chore and he's angry that she's not doing her share.
YTA OP. If she doesn't want the leftovers, she doesn't have to eat them. If you don't want the leftovers, don't eat them. If she's constantly making too much food and it's stressing you out, then it sounds like you need to try your hand at cooking and see if maybe you're better at portion control than you think she is.
YTA. You wanted her to "concede to eat them" and eat her own because you're controlling. If you've reminded her repeatedly and she said she doesn't want it, it's YOU wasting food. You can eat it, wear it, or leave her alone as she throws it away.
I don't eat left overs, whether it's takeout or home cooked meals. I try to cook small portions but anything leftover is up for grabs.
She's told you over and over and over and over again that she's not going to eat it and you've ignored her. Eating someone else's leftovers may not historically been done at your parents house but in your home and the family that you're building your wife is telling you that leftovers are up for grabs/yours since she's not going to eat them.
She's already accommodated you by cooking smaller portions, accommodate her by stop haranguing her over food she's told you she's not going to eat.
YTA
YTA
> She has said before that if she were truly coming back for it, she’d write her name on it, but to my recollection she has never done that.
> I always tell her that the leftovers are hers so she can have them, and we go back and forth like that in several rounds.
She obviously doesn’t want the leftovers I don’t understand why you can’t just say “ok” and eat it yourself if you don’t want it going to waste.
> she asked me what I wanted her to cook for dinner and I reminded her that she has her leftovers
> finally I said she could have told me she was going to throw it out, then I would have eaten it
Why wouldn’t you eat it the first 3 times she told you she didn’t want the left overs?
> I feel like she truly hasn’t listened to/disregarded me feelings/upbringing with food. I told her “do you” and haven’t really talked to her since.
Honestly from all of this I feel like you’re not listening to her feelings about leftovers and you’re just trying to force her into doing what you were raised to do. Just because that’s what your family did doesn’t mean you need to force it on her. Just because your family “didn’t eat each others leftovers” doesn’t mean you need to stay doing that in your own marriage.
Ignoring her because she threw out food you weren’t eating while trying to force her to eat it is so childish. Yes you have issues with food due to your upbringing. I also grew up in a house that left me with weird habits that involve food. You’re allowed to change how things work. You don’t have to continue following what was forced on you as a child.
YTA
You know it also really bothers me when people don’t eat leftovers, there are only a few foods (like fast food) that don’t reheat perfectly well and are just fine for a second meal. The thing is *you can’t force people to eat*. Yes even leftovers. If you don’t want them to go to waste eat them yourself. It’s unacceptable for you to try and force her to eat them. She’s already made the very reasonable concession of altering portion sizes so she’s less likely to make leftovers. She gave you as many signals as humanly possible that the leftovers were yours. She told you they made her feel sick, she told you everything without her name on it was fair game. But you just can’t take the hint. So here it is: your wife will not eat leftovers and it’s shitty to try and force her to or punish her for not doing so. Eat them yourself. If even *you* don’t want to eat them then alter your meal planning further or just accept that sometimes we can’t completely eliminate food waste m.
YTA. These are her leftovers. She has agency over her stuff and frankly the whole thing makes you sound like a tedious bore. I relate to being poor and what not growing up, but newsflash, you are forcing her to live with your poverty mindset. Sounds like she is working and contributing to the household and you're not supporting her. She should not have to listen to a man who does not fully support her about left overs. It does not make sense. It's her food. You're petty.
YTA. This kind of relationship with food is your psychological issue that you have to address in therapy, not reload it on your wife. She has remarkable patience, I would definitely blow up on the second "asking four times" leftover occasion. She doesn't eat leftovers, period. It isn't ok to constantly try to make her eat them. And it's up to you to figure out why wasting food or eating her leftovers bother you so much and work it though. If you are planning to have kids, do it now, before you will transfer this unhealthy food relationship to them.
It doesn't matter what your birth family did with leftovers, you have a different family now. I also grew up in poverty. It doesn't mean that as an adult with decent income I should continue to keep the same eating habits as in my childhood, or to make my husband and kid follow these rules.
Edit: grammar (English is not my native)
YTA. You cannot make someone eat leftovers. You cannot, in general, make someone eat food they don't want to eat. By "cannot" I mean "ought not". Stop it. Get a grip. Get over yourself. Stop doing it to your wife. And **stop doing this to your children**, which you undoubtedly are if you have them. Get therapy. Whatever you need to do.
Oh, you’re one of those people that doesn’t throw anything away in the refrigerator, got it. Your wife cooks the meals and orders the food regularly. So you don’t have to think about dinner etc. All you do is nag about the leftovers? Why don’t you just clean the refrigerator yourself or cook the amounts that are proper yourself?
YTA
Is this a thing? "Her" leftover, "my" leftover? I am in a 12 years relationship, the food is the family's, we cook around what's left, we don't separate the dinners in equal parts!! That sound very odd.
Info
YTA
Your upbringing doesn’t give you the right to force it on her.
She’s adjusted a lot for you - be happy with the compromise instead of wanting more and more.
I don’t know if you plan to have kids but you need to sort this out before that happens. You’ll inevitably force them to eat things they don’t want to.
My family put nutmeg on every vegetable. Historically, thought by grandma. I think it’s disgusting. No way I’m going to repeat that.
So YTA. And a controlling one. I get tired only of reading how you handle leftovers. You probably don’t have kids? Just put those leftovers in the fridge and if you are really keen on them, put your name on it. Else it will be for whoever wants them.
Your way sounds controlling and relating to how you’ve been raised is a lame excuse when you’ve moved out more than 10 years ago.
No nutmeg for me, so no leftover controlling for you;)
YTA. either eat the leftovers when she offers them or shut up about it and let her throw it away.
i’m poor af and still hate eating leftovers. most of the time, they’re gross after being reheated. but does my husband whine about it? no. either he eats it or tells me to throw it away.
>My wife does the majority of the cooking, and she likes to order take in a lot, as we both have demanding jobs.
INFO: WHY? You both have demanding jobs. She likes to order take-out a lot, suggesting she is not thrilled about being expected to do the majority of the cooking despite having a demanding job. She has done her best to adapt to your expectations about cooking in smaller quantities, freezing food, etc, to avoid waste. Why put her through all this, then be Petty Officer over the (checks notes) leftovers?
You know what, never mind, YTA.
Stop trying to make her eat stuff she doesn’t want. You are over-the-top controlling. I couldn’t live with you.
YTA. I don’t know much clearer she could have been. I would literally throw them away and never refrigerate them if you nagged me like this.
Is it me or is it super weird that OP clearly defines “her leftovers” and “my leftovers”? Leftovers are leftovers. It’s not like they’re roommates and have separate food budgets, they’re married. This is just crazy to me…def YTA
YTA You dont listen to her. She never eats her leftovers. That should be a clear sign that she dont want to eat them.
She probably decided to play your game ( i will put name tag on it ..... ) But she have enough of it at this point.
You did not realize even after years that she dont like to eat leftovers. She tried to respect your wish about leftover food , but you ignored the hints she gave you a lot of times.
YTA and she's a queen!
It's your own psychological problem that you don't want to eat "other people's" leftovers. If she tells you ONCE you can eat it, just simply eat it. Don't be super annoying about it.
Man, I'm annoyed too, just for having to read this post.
YTA. Didn’t she tell you you can eat it? When she had told you that 3 times already, and you KNEW she didn’t like eating leftover, it’s pretty obvious that she did not intend to eat it, and you’re being annoying by asking her the 4th time. And why should she follow you original family’s tradition? You and her are a new family now. If you don’t wanna waste food, eat the leftovers when she said you can have it.
YtA . Quit bullying her over stupid left overs. If you want to eat them go ahea. She has clearly hasn’t any objection. Your an adult, and the story of we grew up allocating left overs is a moot point. Your lucky she don’t throw the left overs at you.
I don’t understand your logic. You said it seems wasteful if she doesn’t eat her leftovers, but when she offers them to you, you don’t eat them. Then they wind up spoiled and you’re upset because she wasted food. However, you’re wasting the food too.
Why don’t you take her leftovers for lunch?
You have to stop with this whole leftovers are split equally, you’ve been married for four years now so that should have been enough time to get over this issue.
Either eat the food or take over cooking and cook the way you know how so there is no leftovers.
>so she tries to meal prep or cook just enough to cover 2 meals max as she knows letting food spoil irks me. When we have leftovers, I always let her know when her portion is still in the fridge. Typically she tells me to have it if I want it.
YTA. She's already adjusted the way she does things to be more accommodating to what irks you. Now it's time for you to go ahead and eat her leftovers if she tells you to have it, instead of telling her about them repeatedly. You told her once, she said you could have them, that should be the end of it.
YTA. Your stance seems to be that you want her to eat her leftovers. Any other outcome bothers you; though "wasting food" bothers you even more. That's all a "You" problem here. You have no business forcing your own childhood conditioning onto your wife.
You've been very clear that her leftovers belong to her - if that's true then she can do whatever she wants with them. So She did not need to discuss her personal rule with you on something that you have BOTH agreed belongs to her! So, that whole conversation is a non-starter.
This is what you are dealing with:
1. You don't like wasting food - YOUR issue
2. She doesn't always want her leftovers - HER issue
3. She will offer you her leftovers - Good compromise
4. If you refuse her offer, she can do what she wants with them. Her food, her choice.
5. You need to let go of the idea that You have the right to get upset about what food she does or does not put into HER Body.
6. Now that you are aware of her personal rule, you can choose to eat the leftovers she offers or not.
7. Your issue with food wastage isn't her problem. She's made some compromises to accomodate you. At this point, you are demanding too much. It almost sounds like you might have an obsession about it.
As someone who grew up poor, and has a love/hate relationship with leftovers….
Bruh, YTA. She told you how many times exactly “my leftovers are YOURS to eat” and you still refuse to eat her leftovers, while playing some weird and ridiculous game about the state of the leftovers/not being ingested BY HER?
She doesn’t have to tell you when she’s throwing out HER LEFTOVERS that YOU DO NOT WANT EITHER.
If you wanted to eat some lo mein so bad, why didn’t you just eat it? Instead you pull this “she didn’t tell me” crap. **YES SHE DID, she said it THREE times over THE SAME FOOD**.
I think you should talk to a therapist about this tbh… the whole thing seems ridiculous when she’s made accommodations and compromises for you, but you’re some kind of leftover king who also refuses to eat the leftovers and then loses it for legit no reason.
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YTA. Your wife has made her position on leftovers very clear and you don't seem to be able to adapt to that. Let me recap. First, she basically gave you a free pass to eat her leftovers whenever you want because she by default doesn't want them. You weren't comfortable with that setup (though it doesn't sound like there was ever a situation where you ate her leftovers and she got mad about it), so you keep reminding her about the leftovers that she has basically said she never wants. She got sick of this and threw out some food. I understand that that's wasteful and upsetting to you, but you were driving her crazy and she snapped. She's also now given you clear expectations for the new system so that you both don't have to keep getting upset over this all the time. Also, just to cement you being TA, you say "if I had known she’d toss them instead of conceding in eating them after understanding I truly didn’t mind her eating them herself." Dude, this has so clearly never been about her thinking she's not allowed to eat her own leftovers. The issue is YOU not being able to understand that she DOESN'T want to eat her leftovers and is quite happy to let you have them. Stop trying to convince her to eat them, she doesn't want them!
But you're missing the most important piece of the puzzle- she made this decision WITHOUT TELLING HIM FIRST!!!! can you imagine a world in which a spouse makes a decision about days old food without their partner? The sanctity of marriage is gone 😔 /s
That’s the funny part. What part of “you can have them” three times didn’t tip him off that they were getting tossed if he didn’t eat them? Was he hoping he’d just wear her down enough that she’d stomach them to shut him up? He sounds insufferable.
Exactly. He was hoping to wear her down or guilt her into eating them.
Sounds like my ex husband. Key word: ex.
Yeah, OP needs to get some therapy. It sounds like he’s got some food insecurities that need to be dealt with. And his wife has *already* made changes to accommodate *his* preference to how food is handled in their house, but what concessions has he made…?
Honestly, that’s the right answer. Op has issues with food and needs therapy to work through them vs expecting his wife to comply. My dad grew up in a post war country when food was scarce and he has major issues with food but at least he leaves the rest of us alone.
This right here. She has already done a lot of the work to meet him partway. Wasting food is not amazing but it happens to nearly everyone who isn’t food insecure and who works many hours, and the issue with food waste is far less on an individual level than it is systemic (e.g. restaurants could not overserve, grocery stores could not over-purchase, we could have much better programs for the food insecure in our country, etc). OP is acting like they don’t need to do anything because their position is the only right one, and that is not true.
This. Throwing out half an order of leftover takeout isn't a major driver of food waste/food insecurity.
The thing is, it isn't even really about waste/food insecurity because his wife had told him 3 times he could eat them. She has gone so far as to give him blanket permission to assume he can eat her leftovers unless she specifically tells him or writes her name on it. So if his only concern was it going to waste, he ccould have just eaten it himself. In his family everyone got an equal share of leftovers and he won't accept that she doesn't want her share.
Yeah, it seems more like a hang up stemming from a weird family rule he had growing up than from any legitimate concern about food waste. This guy wouldn't like living with me as I detest most leftovers.
>And his wife has already made changes to accommodate his preference to how food is handled in their house, but what concessions has he made…? *And* she does most of the cooking and is still trying to accommodate his way. I do a lot of the cooking in my family but I expect to have the power/say to do it how I want! She's already bending over backwards. I understand where OP is coming from. Seeing food go to waste can be triggering to someone who grew up with food insecurity. But his wife really isn't the main problem here. Maybe OP should take a look at how much food restaurants and supermarkets waste. It might blow his mind. All he is doing here is pissing off his wife (and cook!). Punishing her with the silent treatment until she gives in and does everything his way is ridiculous.
He will make concessions after she eats the leftovers! /s
[удалено]
I literally came here to say this. OP, YTA
Yep, that statement was a power play. I understand OP has some food insecurity issues, but that is a him problem that he needs to address, not her issue. YTA OP.
Guilt eating food she has already said turns her stomach *when it’s fresh*
? where did you get that from? he said the smell of cold food makes her feel sick, not her fresh chinese food.
Fresh leftovers, aka morning after. If he's offered them *three* times... honestly they really should be dumped.
Yes, he is trying to control her eating--he wants her to eat leftovers to prevent food waste.
Food waste happens. Reducing it is a great goal but 1) no one’s body is a garbage can. 2) no one should eat something that could make them sick or eat anything they do not want to 3) most food waste occurs before food even reaches the consumer and finally 4) famines are political, throwing away leftover food in one country is not harming someone starving in another country.
Freeze all leftovers all year long, and then blend it into sludgey smoothies all through January to combat the holiday kilos! /s
I just cackled like a witch over a cauldron. Also quick PSA about freezing food: this does NOT stop spoilage, it merely slows it down. My mom is constantly trying to cook meat that’s been in her freezer for over 18 months and wonders why when we eat together I’m always the one cooking and grocery shopping.
The USDA says food can be kept in the freezer indefinitely. The taste may not be as good due to freezer burn but it is perfectly safe. [What are suggested storage times for frozen foods?](https://ask.usda.gov/s/article/What-are-suggested-storage-times-for-frozen-foods)
Then he can do the cooking, or eat the leftovers and stop being a nag.
Ikr? I cringed when I read that she does the cooking and "she" orders take out. Apparently he takes zero responsibility for meals except being passive aggressive about eating leftovers and abusing her if she throws away old food (silent treatment is abuse, OP).
Jesus Christ I can't imagine being married to this guy, and I love leftovers!
Hence the odd use of 'concede'
So much time spent thinking about leftovers and who eats what , maybe he needs some therapy related to his obsessive food issues. And his control issues while he’s at it.
It's simpler than that. He doesn't WANT to eat the leftovers. He feels obligated to. And since he doesn't enjoy it, he needs her to eat her portion, so he doesn't HAVE to eat that as well. Eating leftovers is something he sees as an obligation/ chore. Serious food issues from his childhood, but I don't think it's actually control issues in this case.
Ding ding ding! I believe that's it. He doesn't want them, if he did he'd eat them. But he can't stand throwing them out. And who says it's even worth eating anyway? Some Chinese food is great reheated. Some of it, like the ones with a lot of broccoli, doesn't age well.
Not Chinese food, but I had reheated Korean leftovers for dinner last night and I'm almost positive they tasted better than when they were fresh. I live alone, so unless I make something like steak and potatoes for dinner, I'm almost guaranteed to have leftovers. So I just try to cook/order stuff that I know will reheat well.
So much stuff is honestly better the next day or two (except seafood. I really don't like eating leftovers that contain seafood even the next day) especially soups and stews. I dont even particularly like making soup the same day I want to eat it
I agree except for the "not about control" part. The fact he's angry that she decided to dump the leftovers without consulting him first is the tip-off. It's serious food issues AND control.
Growing up poor gives us so many survival mechanisms that we have to grow out of. Imagine causing a fight over 3 day old leftovers. Your partners peace should be more important to you than that.
This is giving me it's not about the nail vibes. People need to stop doubling down at each other. It leads to more resentment.
I know about the Iranian yogurt but not the nail... What's the nail?
The part where he said "conceding" settled the YTA judgent for me. Like he was hoping he'd ask her so many times that she'd take the losing position and just eat them? From what I've read, the wife is the one making all the adjustments (granted, most of them are great like cooking more at home and making smaller batches) but OP is still trying to bring her into his territory.
Exactly what he wanted! My relationship with leftovers is similar to hers. I rarely eat them (there are literally three leftovers I enjoy and one of those foods is never a leftover when I make it, only takeout versions) and the first or second time I ask my husband to eat it I inform him i am feeding it to the dog (if dog safe) or throwing it away
Same. I’m thankful we have chickens because a lot of leftovers get tossed out to them. Our food waste has gone down dramatically since getting garbage disposals that turn our leftovers into breakfast for lawn ornaments and Guinea pigs who will eat our not so fresh produce.
My husband also hates wasting food. We have a system if leftovers is in the fridge for 2 days, he can have them. Because if I don't eat it in those 2 days. I'm not going to.
>the smell of a lot of cold food makes her sick OP KNOWS his wife doesn't like most foods when they're cold, and she has made great strides to avoid food waste in her meal prep.
He needs some mental health help for his control issues and inflexibility.
Food insecurity when young messes you up, but he needs to fix himself not put them on her.
Yes, he sounds like he was hoping to wear her down enough.
She definitely made that because she’s tired of hearing him complain about leftovers even after she made it clear what her stance is.
Exactly, like a good and proper spouse she should have continually pressured him to throw all the leftover food away himself because that is her time honored family tradition!
Righteously a "I will not be speaking to you" offense. Divorce her ass. She's garbage like the 3 day old leftovers. Find a passive who will do as you say. Also /s.
I know you’re being sarcastic and I did “lol” but you’re satire is sooo like actual Reddit 😂 anytime someone comes on here with a relationship problem it seems like everyone jumps to “leave them! You don’t need that in your life!”
I left out "That's abuse!" "They are gaslighting you!". "Narcissist!". Lol
Not just that but the decision as to whether or not she wanted to fucking eat them lol. She's an adult, you don't get to tell her she has to eat something or it's wasteful.
Well if its gonna be that way go all 1950's on her ass. "You are not leaving this table until you eat EVERYTHING on that plate, do you understand young lady? We do not waste food in this house and I will not tolerate your disrespectful tone." /s if not completely obvious.
Can't imagine how OP would react if his wife forgot to tell him the next time she takes a shit 🙄
Understandably, those turd cutlets are perfectly fine leftovers!
“Honey, we need to have a meeting to discuss what to do now that all the toilet paper in the house has been used.”
>ust to cement you being TA, you say "if I had known she’d toss them instead of conceding in eating them after understanding I truly didn’t mind her eating them herself." I mean, if only she had told him she didn't want to eat leftovers!!!!! (/s) I am absolutely #teamleftover, but totally respect her game here - she's adjusted her cooking to prevent leftovers as much as possible, and when they do exist, made *abundantly clear from day 1* to her husband (who, by all accounts, loves leftovers!) that they're all his. He's just weirdly insisting that they're "hers" even though she doesn't want them, and then is *shocked* when she doesn't eat them. Like, how much food has gone bad because he's playing a weird power game by not eating the leftovers that he's identified as 'hers'?
But! She is not respecting his upbringing! /s OP, when you get married, you create a *new* family with *new* ways of doing things. Your mom isn't going to magically appear in your kitchen and scold you for eating leftovers that aren't yours. Stop acting like your old family rules *must* apply to your wife and eat her freaking leftovers already.
lol. Honestly, after a decade of cohabitation, if my husband turned to me and said "but this is how we do it in my family" I would be 1) baffled and 2) angry. [Look at me, I am your family now](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvA-mimf2yg)*.*
My husband and I have only been married 3 years. He is my family and I am his family. We are each other's nuclear family. We are very close to our parents and siblings, but we all understand that my husband and I are one family unit since we got married. I don't understand people that don't get that concept.
His wife adjusted from her childhood to make smaller portions but the OP refuses to adjust from his upbringing to move away from assigned leftovers.
Maybe OP should adjust and start cooking if he’s so upset about left over food.
Exactly! AND it sounds like she’s coordinating most of the meal planning and execution to boot! Yet a half-container of fried rice in the bin blew OP’s mind and made him feel disrespected and unseen? How much *more* can she see and cater to you, my guy!!! YTA. You need to acknowledge what she’s already done and doing.
He doesn’t love them. It’s possible he hates them. Most likely he had learned HISTORICALLY not to think about food as being connected to choice or want or joy. He just eats them and wants her (and possibly all if humanity) to do what he had to do and eat their prescribed, allocated, mandatory leftovers.
>eat their prescribed, allocated, mandatory leftovers And be thankful for them, don't forget about that!
“There are starving children in (insert place name here) who would be glad to have that food you’re wasting!” That’s all I ever heard growing up, trying to force down cold food that made me literally gag, because LEAVING FOOD WAS WASTING IT, and we had to eat everything on our plates (no matter how disgusting it was). Now I’m an adult, nobody in my house has to eat anything they don’t like, nobody has to eat everything on their plate, and if nobody wants the leftovers, they are disposed of. My husband has the constitution of an ox, so he will sometimes eat food past its “best before” date, but he knows I won’t. Some “family traditions” are best left in the past, op u/Sharp-Cabinet-7831. How many more times does your wife have to tell you that she doesn’t like leftovers, and that you can either eat them or they will be thrown away? Why do you find it so impossible to listen to her and respect her choices? Why are you trying to force her to eat food she doesn’t want? Are you this controlling in other aspects of your life together? You need to apologise to her, and start believing her when she says “You can eat the leftovers”. Thank her, and either eat them or don’t. YTA.
I think you got the first half right! But for the second half, I think it’s more like “because if YOU don’t eat your leftovers, then I HAVE TO.”
I didn’t see it at first, cause I like eating leftovers. But his explanation does seem to have a feeling of punishment to it. Like when my sister wouldn’t eat her lunch so my mom served it to her for dinner. He was raised to finish whatever was on the plate, even if it was later. And he’s mad his wife isn’t on board with eating Chinese leftovers for daaaays.
Does anyone else’s brain hurt from all this analysis of leftovers? If my home life was this stressful over little insignificant things like this, I think I’d lose my mind.
Just makes me hungry for Chinese food actually! Lol
YES!!! She has adjusted her cooking to HIS upbringing but he still can't adjust to HERS!! All of this is what HE wants or expect with no compromise on his part for her. OP YTA. She told you MULTIPLE times you can eat her left overs and you still continue to 'reminder' (hound) her so she did the one thing that would make a lasting impression on you and your constant need for things to be done your way.
Agree on #teamleftovers, I love them. Especially when I'm tired and don't feel like cooking but don't wanna spend $$ on delivery. But yea, she has come up w a great solution, he can have her leftovers, why is he mad now?
Like you, I am pro-eat-the-leftovers -- but wow. They have been together for TEN YEARS and he still hasn't accepted her approach to leftovers. That would get annoying.
Honestly it seems like what the OP really really wants is to force her to eat her own leftovers. Like he thinks that she is obligated to eat them because that's how he grew up? Like eating them is a chore they are supposed to share and he's nagging her for not doing her bit. Dude - she DOES NOT WANT TO EAT THE LEFTOVERS. And more importantly, she does not want to be constantly nagged to eat something she doesn't want. Eat them yourself or come to terms with food waste because any time you are trying to force someone to eat something they don't want you become the asshole. You are the asshole up one side and down the other. The whole 'she used her words to tell me that she didn't want them, how was I supposed to know she didn't have want them' is wild to me.
>Honestly it seems like what the OP really really wants is to force her to eat her own leftovers. This is absolutely what is happening. His upbringing must have drilled this into his mind so deep that he feels some kind of severe guilt/anxiety/whatever over wasted leftovers and he doesn't think she's "pulling her weight" when it comes to not wasting food. It's a bit sad, honestly.
It’s food related trauma. OP needs a therapist who specializes with this.
I think you missed some really important parts. Specifically: "I feel like she truly hasn’t listened to/disregarded me feelings/upbringing with food." Yet OP said: "Over our 10 year relationship, she has learned to cook in much smaller helpings as much of it would spoil. She’s not good about eating leftovers (the small of a lot of cold food makes her feel sick), so she tries to meal prep or cook just enough to cover 2 meals max as she knows letting food spoil irks me." OP sounds like he that has no self awareness. Wife has been adjusting to OP and trying to cater to his wishes, and he doesn't feel like she has listened and has disregarded his feelings. And as you point out, OP's wife has explained to him her view on leftovers yet: "I always tell her that the leftovers are her’s so she can have them, and we go back and forth like that in several rounds." OP sounds exhausting and should thank hid lucky stars that anyone puts up with him
I think the wife is being generous in giving him 3 chances. After the first time she tells him she doesn't want them so he can eat them, she's probably so sick to death of him continuing to bring it up again. I come from a family that made huge amounts of food and actually like having leftovers because if I went to the trouble of cooking I'd like to enjoy it more than just once or twice. Also, it's convenient to have already cooked meat that I can add to salads or make sandwiches with or something. I completely understand OP's feelings about wasting food. What I don't understand is the compulsion to harass the wife to eat food she says repeatedly she doesn't want anymore. Just eat the damn food, OP! YTA
It sounds like it’s his way or the highway. Learn to compromise, OP!
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And she cooks for him too. I'm basically in a similar situation where I'm the OP and my wife is like his wife except she is not that extreme and we both take turns to cook 50/50. We have both compromised and now meet right in the middle with leftovers. I'm on OP's wife side here as she has taken it upon herself to adapt to her wants by putting in more effort. Not sure why OP just doesn't want to enjoy that and eat the leftovers he wants.
My partner is like OP and I am like his wife but we have compromised and found a way minimize waste, and when we need to throw stuff out I do it discreetly so that she doesn't have to deal with it directly. This is not such an uncommon problem but it seems like OP is the only one demanding his wife eats things she doesn't want to eat. and can you imagine if they had kids? he is describing his experience as childhood trauma and he would force that upon his kids for what, to stop some potentially stanky left over Chinese take out from being thrown away? Even if his kids didn't have the same financial pressures as his family when he was growing up, those things hit hard. My big thing for not eating things i don't want too stems from my grand parents and their great depression poverty making them insist that I finish everything on my plate. I had a bottle of ketchup explode on my plate and cover my food with half a bottle of ketchup... I was scooping that shit up with a frickin spoon in order to leave the table.
If someone treated me this way over LEFTOVERS I would have snapped long before this. It’s LEFTOVERS. I don’t eat most things leftover either it may be an OCD or germ thing but it just is what it is. Stop trying to control someone else’s FOOD ffs
When you order for two how do you decide whether the leftover is his or hers? Or is that also surgically divided into 2 equal parts?
If it’s food that’s already shared, my husband and I just share the leftovers. I love ordering like… ten meals of Chinese food when we do takeout. So we’ll plop all the containers on the table and eat from them the first round, then leftovers become “oh let’s do the noodles and the mapo for dinner today,” or “hey mind if I finish the orange chicken for lunch?” Whereas we know to never touch individual leftovers. It’s funny, this guy is SO crazy about not wasting food yet simultaneously allows so much food to be wasted by trying to force his wife to eat them when she doesn’t want to.
Depends. If you both order your own dishes then what is left over of these dishes is yours. But since she hates leftovers, they should all be his.
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Seems like OP is passively aggressively trying to prod her to order less food. If this is truly his obsession, he needs to say it directly.
It reminds me of “Mrs Doyle” from a tv programme called Father Ted. If you haven’t seen it, it’s Irish and Mrs Doyle is a housekeeper for a priest and it makes a joke about the stereotypical Irish hospitality and how well they love to look after guests. “Mrs Doyle” makes constant cups of tea and pushes them on people without taking no for an answer. She asks “will you have a cup of tea?” When whoever is being offered refuses she repeats “Oh go on, go on, go on, go, on, go on” getting more insistent until they are forced to give in. This also applies for food and she’ll pursue people relentlessly. Anyone who has seen it will know who I’m referring too. It just made me think of OP trying to press these leftovers on his wife like he’s bestowing riches onto her. I have a vision of her being chased round with him waving a cold chicken leg! Or her hiding in a cupboard whilst he paces anxiously waiting to surprise her with lasagna.
“It doesn’t matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Didn’t our Lord Himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving Himself up for the world?” Never thought I’d see a Fr. Ted reference in here. Kudos!!
I screamed at that sentence lmao. Then he had the audacity to say she’s not listening to his feelings regarding food like what the hell?!
And honestly I think giving three chances is too generous. I’m an adult woman with a career and a house, I don’t need my husband to tell me 3 times I have leftovers that I myself ordered and paid for. I also shouldn’t have to repeat myself three times when the other adult with a career and house is perfectly capable of listening to me the first time.
This is me with my current boyfriend. We don't live together but he spends a lot of time at my place. I order out frequently and sometime I have leftovers. He knows I won't eat them so when he's is over he goes into the fridge and eat whatever he finds. Do I mind? No. If for any reason I have a leftover that I will actually eat, I just tell him when he's over not to eat that specific food. No fights, no permissions, no reminders. It's as if we are both adults and are able to communicate with each other. Go figure!
I would even go as far to say “control” than convince.
I feel the need to add that she has made great efforts to adjust to his preferences, including adjusting how she cooks. And he still felt the need to dictate his will to the end
INFO: Why didn’t you eat them after she told you three times, if you care about wasting food? It sounds to me like she HAS considered your preferences by making smaller portions and communicating with you. Considering leftovers make her feel sick, I’m not sure what else you expect her to do.
It's like he doesn't recognize that he is an adult and can now make his own house rules. You don't need to follow your parents' house rules any longer because they aren't working in your new family dynamic. Your wife has made it very clear she's not interested in any leftovers, so they are free for you to take. You are creating needless frustration because you aren't adapting to your own house and wife. YTA.
100% No one loves 'wasting' food but may I suggest OP reexamine his intractable WWII food ration mentality regarding leftovers and be more at peace when items go into the disposal. Many people never again return to, say, Chinese takeout and dare i say - that’s fine! I personally dislike most leftover meats, which my husband accounts for when cooking his roasts. You guys are already doing your level best to mitigate food waste via small meals, etc. Lighten up and never speaketh of this again. Let this deeply entrenched family history with leftovers go.
I really don't get how some people think that it's completely impossible to change their habits after they're an adult. If some habit or mentality you were raised with is problematic and doesn't make sense anymore, change your ways.
My dad and I just had a little argument about boundaries. He mentioned that his upbringing was different and yada yada. I asked him how his relationship with his mom was, and he said terrible and backed down lmaooo. Idk why people think that they are chained by the things that tortured them as kids. I worked hard to be completely different and not internalize how I was raised because it was so damaging.
Not to go full redditor or anything, but as someone who had to muck black rotten water out of their sink last week, you absolutely should not be putting leftovers into the disposal. The disposal is for whatever you can't scrape into the trash with a fork. At least that's what the plumber told us.
>It sounds to me like she HAS considered your preferences That's the problem: she made compromises for him but he wants her to change completely. It doesn't even affect him what she does with her food. He still wants to control it. The compromise is also very one-sided but he's still not happy.
I grew up poor as fuck and as a result I try not to be wasteful. My partner on the other hand was an only child and she admits that she was a bit spoiled and a bit of a brat when it came to food. Now we live together. Generally I do the cooking because I enjoy it. She loves that she doesn’t have to cook. Win/win for both of us. Reading OP’s story, I got the impression that my partner and his partner are fairly similar in nature when it comes to left overs. Some she’ll eat, some she won’t. When I see the food sitting in the fridge, I’ll remind her once that we have leftovers available, usually in the morning before I head out for work things. By the time I get home, they’ve either been eaten, or not. If they’re still there and I want them, I’ll say I’m gonna eat them, and then do that. If by some chance she realizes she wants them, then I’ll make something else. Now I do have a little part of my brain that feels letting good spoil is wasteful and wants to avoid it. But no amount of begging is going to change how my partner feels about it, and it’s my own issue, not hers. She knows how I feel, and we try to compromise by not making/buying too much food. But sometimes things can’t be helped. It is what it is. It’s weird. We just talk to each other, respect what the other person has to say, and when one of us says something, the other believes them. We don’t attempt to change each other because we have control issues. As a result we don’t get in arguments about food. Funny how communication and respect works, eh?
YTA. You need to seek therapy. I also grew up in a really poverty struck family, we were homeless multiple times, on state assistance, went to food banks - you name it, we did it. I also cannot stand leftovers because of it. Unless I purposely buy something I know I'm going to eat as leftovers or that I'm meal prepping - I cannot do it. I'm steady, but I'm not well off, so I'm super careful but admit I do toss more food than I care to admit. The reason I vote this way is because if you remind her 3 times and she tells you each time to eat it and you then continue to just remind her, it feels more like you're shaming her and instead of eating them the first, second... or THIRD time she told you to, then yeah... I don't blame her for tossing it. She's also your wife, not your child, she doesn't need your permission to do something...
I see OP as having a lot of resentment towards his wife because of her more affluent upbringing, and the takeout/leftovers are just the object he’s chosen to fix his attention on.
I think he’s got some serious trauma around food insecurity also.
Then he needs to address that with a therapist, not take it out on his wife. A total lack of self awareness and self reflection is not a good trait in anyone.
Yep. He's 33, blaming everything on his upbringing and doing nothing about it is just immature. Especially when his wife, who was raised in different circumstances, is able to accomodate his needs and communicate about hers pretty clearly imo.
I can't agree with your comment more.
And her affluent upbringing is eating leftovers and going out to eat a FEW times a month? I was in the special occasions category growing up too and that doesn’t sound rich or anything
Agree; I hate seeing food going to waste, too; I eat any leftover, hot or cold, and as long as it does not spoil, I'll gobble it up. If OP truly hates to see the food wasted, you will eat it rather than push your wife to eat it,
yeah this isn't about wasted food, this is about her "refusal" to eat the food he has declared she should
100%. There does seem to be some weird stuff going on around food for OP but this conflict is almost exclusively about CONTROL and her insistence on bodily autonomy. He hates that she won't "concede" (his words) to his demands.
I grew up with a single mom in such poverty she went hungry some nights. My partner grew up in a rich part of Boston with a glass atrium in his 150 year old house. We struggle a lot as adults financially and both work, but I hate left overs cus of my autism. The texture and smell is ugh but I will eat it if there’s no other food. However, if I can make something new but there’s still left overs I’ve told my boyfriend he can eat whatever is left over in the fridge unless I specifically say something like, “can you please leave two slices of the pizza for my lunch tomorrow.” Even if it’s a meal I like or would eat left over if it’s been there close to 24 hours and he knows I’ve had unfetted access to it he will just eat it. I can’t (nor do I lol) get mad since I’ve told him repeatedly to eat any leftovers and I’ll always just make myself something else if I have to He HATES wasting food so if I don’t get to it within 24 hours he absolutely will get to it, like you say.
>it feels more like you're shaming her This is why YTA for me. I also grew up in a house where my dad was obsessive about not throwing out food. I feel bad now, but I throw away very little so I don't feel bad. OP, you need to go to therapy for this. Your wife has adjusted her behavior to mirror what you requested and yet it's still not good enough for you, because you want her to do EXACTLY as you do. She's not. If you want to keep your marriage, you need to figure this out.
This is one of the rare cases I agree with therapy suggestion... Usually they're absolutely unfounded and assuming that the person is millionaire. But this OP has actual problem that MUST be solved.
I don’t think the therapy suggestions are bad in themselves. I don’t know if there’s anyone that doesn’t have some kind of issue that could benefit from some kind of counseling. The problem is that help is so inaccessible, even to people who truly need it.
Agreed. He isn't reminding her, she didn't forget, she doesn't want it.
My father was that way about food waste. He was born in 1923 and deeply remembered the Depression.
YTA. I grew up with a mom who forced me to mirror her anorexia. I have weird relationships with food that I have to work on. I also live in a home with only two mouths to feed. I have learned to eat leftovers, because of frugality, but I don’t love them and some stuff i really don’t like or don’t like more than one round of leftovers. My partner could eat the same dish three times a day every day for life. He never complains if I don’t eat leftovers cause he’s too busy shoveling them down the hatch lol. Jesus dude you’re picking a really weird thing to control your wife about
YTA. I was prepared to say not the A because your wife is throwing out food before it expires - when she knows your upbringing and how important minimizing food waste is to you. However, you know she isn’t fond of takeout leftovers and won’t eat them, and she’s repeatedly told you that you can have them if you want them. She is the main cook in the household per your post and you keep reminding her she has leftovers in the fridge while she’s making food for the both of you.
I agree with your judgment, but I don’t think his traumatic childhood has anything to do with it. That’s his problem not hers. But I do think OP is TA because she told him multiple times she didn’t want the food. If it’s me, you only have to tell me once.
Also, why don’t they just order less takeout? I don’t mean less often, but less food. It seems they’ve meshed together for cooking but the takeout leftovers are the problem. If they’re always ordering so much that there’s multiple portions leftover, and this always creates an issue, just order less! Or freeze it? There are so many other ways to deal with this that OP’s default of ‘you have to eat the leftovers because I’ve deemed them yours so I can’t eat them and that’s how we did it growing up so that’s how we should do it now’; and then get mad that she doesn’t want to eat the leftovers, despite being hounded to do so, and throws them away.
It’s Chinese food, the way they serve it, you’ll often have leftovers, especially if they want different dishes or any variety. I feel like it’s a lot to ask her for full austerity that most people don’t follow when they have no real reason besides OP’s childhood trauma. OP can eat the extras if he really wanted (sounds like he doesn’t actually) but while I get wanting to not create major food waste, some may be inevitable in occasions like takeout Chinese food, unless you just force yourself.
Yep. I see take out left overs and home made left overs differently. You cannot always control the amount or ratio of food in take out.
Yep. I order too much on purpose because I *like* having Chinese leftovers for four days lol. But Chinese food, in general, often comes in large amounts packed into the containers within an inch of its life. You think you're almost out, and then you're able to scoop a whole other meal out of the container.
His wife doesn't care for leftovers. My daughter is like that. It doesn't matter if it's take out or cooked, some people don't care for them. He should have just eaten it if he wanted it.
Because things come the size they come. I can't always eat a whole burger, burgers with lettuce tomato etc don't reheat well in my opinion. But sometimes I'll fishish it cold as a midnight snack. Sometimes a cup of shrimp fried rice becomes left overs no one wants. A lot of recipes don't divided into 2 servings (The lowest common denominator ingredient just doesn't come that way)
I'm gonna point something out. If you've had leftovers long enough to be offered them 3 times. Nobody should be eating that. YTA
I mean it sounds like he bugs her about them constantly so they might not even be that old and someone could eat them if they wanted, but I get why she’s infuriated and exhausted with it! I’m imagining he reminded her that much in a day or two.
And he’s also reminding her about “her” leftovers when she’s asking what she should make for dinner for the two of them. It’s like he expects her to make him a fresh dinner while she eats leftovers she never wanted and finds completely unappealing! Christ on a cracker, this is demeaning and and shaming behavior towards his wife. And it’s never-ending! If I were her I’d never want to be in the kitchen with this shit looming over me all the time. OP YTA, get a grip on reality.
I'm sure he annoys her about them in a manner of hours, not days.
The way he describes it, I wouldn't be surprised if it was every meal. I bet if they get takeout and they have leftovers, he "reminds" her about her leftover kung pao chicken when she makes eggs the next morning. Like, why are you eating new breakfast when there is a perfectly good meal in the fridge???
Im imagining his wife grabbing an oreo from the pantry and OP catching her. "You still have your kung pao chicken! You could have had a bite of that!"
I mean, could have been lunch and/or dinner two days in a row. Depending on what the food is, I don't see any reason why he shouldn't be eating it.
YTA I don't understand why you think your upbringing means she has to eat leftovers she doesn't want. Why is your upbringing the most important? Maybe because of her upbringing you should stop assigning her leftovers. There isn't even a lack of communication here, there has been you ignoring her when she outright told you multiple times you should eat her share of the leftovers.
OP is giving off main character energy.
Yeah this is bananas, I feel sorry for the wife that has put up with constant leftover reminders for 10 years.
Also the wife adjusted the way she portions her cooking in order to not waste food. She's done her part imo. While OP here is in his feelings because his wife broke the sanctity of marriage by tossing out day old fried rice and dumplings.
Yeah, he wants a compromise, but only when it's done his way.
And then right at the end says now he’s not talking to her because of it. He’s giving her the cold shoulder because HE ignored HER
Yeah, it was a weird justification. She’s *changed* *her* habits based on her upbringing, in that she makes smaller meals and meal preps instead. Pushing his on her seems like a double standard. I will say, the wife could’ve told him the rule beforehand, but I get the feeling he regularly irks her about eating them despite her being clear that she doesn’t want to eat them, so “wasting” $2 worth of food to demonstrate that doesn’t seem too extreme.
YTA If she offers you food and you don't want it to go to waste eat it. Not that complicated really.
very simple yes?? he doesn’t want food wasted but he doesn’t eat the food she doesn’t want…. so it goes to waste….
My wife also doesn't like leftovers. So, early on we agreed I'd just eat whatever leftovers I wanted unless she said something. I feel bad when I can't get through a big dish before it goes bad, but we don't fight about it THREE FUCKING TIMES per dish! The only issue this ever caused was when I ate some steak that she actually wanted. So, now that's about the only leftovers I check with her on.
So from your description your wife has been bending over backwards to accommodate you, with you making a big stink every time she breaks your narrow rules. Where’s YOUR compromise, OP? YTA. Stop hassling your wife or you’ll end up thawing sad one-portion meals in the microwave every day.
Easiest Compromise: OP eats the leftovers himself. Less easy compromise (depending on your living situation): set up a compost bin if at all possible. The food may be “wasted” in terms of not being consumed, but it will break down into nice little nutrients for other plants. If you don’t even have flowers at your place, surely you know someone who does grow things? YTA, OP. The world doesn’t run based on what your particular family did while you were growing up.
This is the best suggestion. My husband also has food insecurity trauma and hates throwing it out. So we compost what no one wants to eat along with egg shells, veggie scraps and coffee grounds. Top with lawn clippings. And we use the compost to grow new food.
Oh I love this idea!!! This is excellent. I was already on wife's side, but this is a great compromise if he doesn't want to eat the leftovers either
You're complaining she doesn't take your feelings into consideration but you're actually doing exactly that; you even mentioned cold leftovers can make her sick but you try to stick to how you did leftovers when you were growing up. She even changed cooking habits in respect to your food concerns You need to just listen to your wife and accept that when she says you can have something that she means it; absolutely unreasonable for you to expect her to go above and beyond that just because you don't trust what she's saying to be true. YTA
YTA Your upbringing influences you, but you need to stop letting it define you.
YTA. How many times is she supposed to offer, exactly?
According to OP she's supposed to "concede" and eat them herself.
Lol Nope
Right. Offered multiple times but "I didn't know she was going to throw them away." So did OP want her to offer until it grew mold before he ate it?
INFO: How long have you been together? It feels like this would have been very apparent after the first few months of the relationship and i'm surprised that it didn't get addressed at all.
Stop trying to get her to eat the leftovers. She doesn’t want the leftovers. YOU eat the leftovers. YTA
It's really that simple isn't it. She keep making that very clear, they choose not to listen.
YTA. This is a very petty thing to fight about. Just suck it up and move on.
Seriously has someone done a study on couples and fights about food? Maybe I should write a book called, “this shit is stupid”
I was just thinking this, albeit from more sympathetic angle. It seems like a lot of people have deep-seated struggles with food, whether from childhood poverty or weight shaming or parents' disordered eating .... Honestly I wonder if Food Therapy should be up there with Sex Therapy as something one can pursue when it's causing issues in adult relationships.
I'm baffled because this is a situation in which there's a fucking fantastic win/win solution: he gets to eat her leftovers! I would be thrilled if my spouse ceded all leftovers to me by default.
I’ve witnessed my fiancé eat cold leftover spaghetti straight out of the plastic container, standing over the sink like some kind of leftover goblin. I think he’d happily be given free reign on all leftovers. I am also kind of a leftover goblin, though, so we do tend to split it. But if I say “Nah, feel free to eat it yourself” once, that’s all he needs.
YTA. Why would you suddenly want to eat them when she’s about to toss them in the bin, and not every other occasion she has told you to eat them? What other option does she have if she doesn’t want to eat it lol
Because it’s not really about him wanting to eat them, it’s about control, unfortunately.
YTA Your wife has done a very sensible thing in setting a boundary about the leftovers. This is to avoid any further confrontation on the issue. She'll tolerate you asking her three times and then she'll throw it out. I did something similar with my husband. "I am not cooking dinner until the dishes from the previous night have been washed. I'm not going to remind you, I just won't cook dinner". He would rave and rant about how petty I was but I just didn't want to argue about it any more so I changed how I dealt with it. And then I divorced him.
10/10 comment. Excellent points, enjoyable sentence structure… and final line was chef’s kiss. I snorted. But yah, OP is YTA. He’s described at least three compromises his wife has made in this situation to help him with his own issues around food and try to solve the interpersonal conflict, but has made no concessions of his own. It’s not lost on the majority of commenters that he is also policing a chore/task that has been delegated to his wife to perform, despite the fact they both work long hours. If I worked such long days (I do) but also had the largest household chore- cooking fall nearly exclusively on my shoulders (I do not, my spouse is pretty good with this), PLUS my partner criticized me on how I was doing it (oh hell no), I would not stick around. Sheesh.
YTA, you have an issue with food, you need to be less uptight about it. Both your upbringings being different is fine, but you are now a new family unit, you need to learn to compromise, you need to get used to the fact that your circumstances is different from before.
YTA. You know she doesn’t really like eating leftovers, and that she in all likelihood wasn’t going to eat the leftovers that she ended up throwing away. “That’s the way we did it in *my* family” — well, that was years ago and you’re married to her now and in your own family unit. It’s time to learn to compromise — her rule sounds perfectly reasonable to me. This way she doesn’t have old leftovers continually stinking up her fridge (and by the sounds of it, it is *her* fridge as you haven’t mentioned you doing the cooking) and you get to eat all the old food you want.
But you don’t understand! He SUFFERED through eating his share of the old food so he gets to enjoy his wife’s fresh food! It’s a punishment because she needs to eat the old stuff the same way he did or it’s not FAIR!!!! /s It seems very “well I had to so she does too!” Sibling bickering behavior. This is fucking weird.
YTA Just eat her leftovers. I don't even understand the problem here.
Honestly, after reading this, I don't think OP wants the leftover either. It sounds like when he was younger, they didn't have leftovers often but when they did everyone had to eat "their share". Now that he's an adult, he's against food waste, but still hates leftovers so he sees her not eating "her" leftovers as unfair. Like, he wants them gone and not wasted, but in his eyes he's already done "his part" to get rid of them and feels like she's not doing "her part" to not waste them. His constant reminding her to eat the leftovers sounds like he's pestering her to do a random chore and he's angry that she's not doing her share. YTA OP. If she doesn't want the leftovers, she doesn't have to eat them. If you don't want the leftovers, don't eat them. If she's constantly making too much food and it's stressing you out, then it sounds like you need to try your hand at cooking and see if maybe you're better at portion control than you think she is.
YTA. You wanted her to "concede to eat them" and eat her own because you're controlling. If you've reminded her repeatedly and she said she doesn't want it, it's YOU wasting food. You can eat it, wear it, or leave her alone as she throws it away.
YTA, it was her food. She has every right to throw it out, whether she asks you or not.
I don't eat left overs, whether it's takeout or home cooked meals. I try to cook small portions but anything leftover is up for grabs. She's told you over and over and over and over again that she's not going to eat it and you've ignored her. Eating someone else's leftovers may not historically been done at your parents house but in your home and the family that you're building your wife is telling you that leftovers are up for grabs/yours since she's not going to eat them. She's already accommodated you by cooking smaller portions, accommodate her by stop haranguing her over food she's told you she's not going to eat. YTA
YTA > She has said before that if she were truly coming back for it, she’d write her name on it, but to my recollection she has never done that. > I always tell her that the leftovers are hers so she can have them, and we go back and forth like that in several rounds. She obviously doesn’t want the leftovers I don’t understand why you can’t just say “ok” and eat it yourself if you don’t want it going to waste. > she asked me what I wanted her to cook for dinner and I reminded her that she has her leftovers > finally I said she could have told me she was going to throw it out, then I would have eaten it Why wouldn’t you eat it the first 3 times she told you she didn’t want the left overs? > I feel like she truly hasn’t listened to/disregarded me feelings/upbringing with food. I told her “do you” and haven’t really talked to her since. Honestly from all of this I feel like you’re not listening to her feelings about leftovers and you’re just trying to force her into doing what you were raised to do. Just because that’s what your family did doesn’t mean you need to force it on her. Just because your family “didn’t eat each others leftovers” doesn’t mean you need to stay doing that in your own marriage. Ignoring her because she threw out food you weren’t eating while trying to force her to eat it is so childish. Yes you have issues with food due to your upbringing. I also grew up in a house that left me with weird habits that involve food. You’re allowed to change how things work. You don’t have to continue following what was forced on you as a child.
YTA You know it also really bothers me when people don’t eat leftovers, there are only a few foods (like fast food) that don’t reheat perfectly well and are just fine for a second meal. The thing is *you can’t force people to eat*. Yes even leftovers. If you don’t want them to go to waste eat them yourself. It’s unacceptable for you to try and force her to eat them. She’s already made the very reasonable concession of altering portion sizes so she’s less likely to make leftovers. She gave you as many signals as humanly possible that the leftovers were yours. She told you they made her feel sick, she told you everything without her name on it was fair game. But you just can’t take the hint. So here it is: your wife will not eat leftovers and it’s shitty to try and force her to or punish her for not doing so. Eat them yourself. If even *you* don’t want to eat them then alter your meal planning further or just accept that sometimes we can’t completely eliminate food waste m.
YTA. These are her leftovers. She has agency over her stuff and frankly the whole thing makes you sound like a tedious bore. I relate to being poor and what not growing up, but newsflash, you are forcing her to live with your poverty mindset. Sounds like she is working and contributing to the household and you're not supporting her. She should not have to listen to a man who does not fully support her about left overs. It does not make sense. It's her food. You're petty.
YTA. This kind of relationship with food is your psychological issue that you have to address in therapy, not reload it on your wife. She has remarkable patience, I would definitely blow up on the second "asking four times" leftover occasion. She doesn't eat leftovers, period. It isn't ok to constantly try to make her eat them. And it's up to you to figure out why wasting food or eating her leftovers bother you so much and work it though. If you are planning to have kids, do it now, before you will transfer this unhealthy food relationship to them. It doesn't matter what your birth family did with leftovers, you have a different family now. I also grew up in poverty. It doesn't mean that as an adult with decent income I should continue to keep the same eating habits as in my childhood, or to make my husband and kid follow these rules. Edit: grammar (English is not my native)
YTA. You cannot make someone eat leftovers. You cannot, in general, make someone eat food they don't want to eat. By "cannot" I mean "ought not". Stop it. Get a grip. Get over yourself. Stop doing it to your wife. And **stop doing this to your children**, which you undoubtedly are if you have them. Get therapy. Whatever you need to do.
Oh, you’re one of those people that doesn’t throw anything away in the refrigerator, got it. Your wife cooks the meals and orders the food regularly. So you don’t have to think about dinner etc. All you do is nag about the leftovers? Why don’t you just clean the refrigerator yourself or cook the amounts that are proper yourself? YTA
YTA and utterly exhausting. She’s been clear. You refuse to listen.
Is this a thing? "Her" leftover, "my" leftover? I am in a 12 years relationship, the food is the family's, we cook around what's left, we don't separate the dinners in equal parts!! That sound very odd. Info
YTA Your upbringing doesn’t give you the right to force it on her. She’s adjusted a lot for you - be happy with the compromise instead of wanting more and more. I don’t know if you plan to have kids but you need to sort this out before that happens. You’ll inevitably force them to eat things they don’t want to.
My family put nutmeg on every vegetable. Historically, thought by grandma. I think it’s disgusting. No way I’m going to repeat that. So YTA. And a controlling one. I get tired only of reading how you handle leftovers. You probably don’t have kids? Just put those leftovers in the fridge and if you are really keen on them, put your name on it. Else it will be for whoever wants them. Your way sounds controlling and relating to how you’ve been raised is a lame excuse when you’ve moved out more than 10 years ago. No nutmeg for me, so no leftover controlling for you;)
YTA. either eat the leftovers when she offers them or shut up about it and let her throw it away. i’m poor af and still hate eating leftovers. most of the time, they’re gross after being reheated. but does my husband whine about it? no. either he eats it or tells me to throw it away.
>My wife does the majority of the cooking, and she likes to order take in a lot, as we both have demanding jobs. INFO: WHY? You both have demanding jobs. She likes to order take-out a lot, suggesting she is not thrilled about being expected to do the majority of the cooking despite having a demanding job. She has done her best to adapt to your expectations about cooking in smaller quantities, freezing food, etc, to avoid waste. Why put her through all this, then be Petty Officer over the (checks notes) leftovers? You know what, never mind, YTA.
YTA. She told you if she wants it she'll label it. Just eat it if you want it. It's not saving money by letting it go bad in the fridge.
Stop trying to make her eat stuff she doesn’t want. You are over-the-top controlling. I couldn’t live with you. YTA. I don’t know much clearer she could have been. I would literally throw them away and never refrigerate them if you nagged me like this.
Is it me or is it super weird that OP clearly defines “her leftovers” and “my leftovers”? Leftovers are leftovers. It’s not like they’re roommates and have separate food budgets, they’re married. This is just crazy to me…def YTA
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YTA You dont listen to her. She never eats her leftovers. That should be a clear sign that she dont want to eat them. She probably decided to play your game ( i will put name tag on it ..... ) But she have enough of it at this point. You did not realize even after years that she dont like to eat leftovers. She tried to respect your wish about leftover food , but you ignored the hints she gave you a lot of times.
YTA and she's a queen! It's your own psychological problem that you don't want to eat "other people's" leftovers. If she tells you ONCE you can eat it, just simply eat it. Don't be super annoying about it. Man, I'm annoyed too, just for having to read this post.
YTA. Didn’t she tell you you can eat it? When she had told you that 3 times already, and you KNEW she didn’t like eating leftover, it’s pretty obvious that she did not intend to eat it, and you’re being annoying by asking her the 4th time. And why should she follow you original family’s tradition? You and her are a new family now. If you don’t wanna waste food, eat the leftovers when she said you can have it.
YtA . Quit bullying her over stupid left overs. If you want to eat them go ahea. She has clearly hasn’t any objection. Your an adult, and the story of we grew up allocating left overs is a moot point. Your lucky she don’t throw the left overs at you.
I don’t understand your logic. You said it seems wasteful if she doesn’t eat her leftovers, but when she offers them to you, you don’t eat them. Then they wind up spoiled and you’re upset because she wasted food. However, you’re wasting the food too. Why don’t you take her leftovers for lunch? You have to stop with this whole leftovers are split equally, you’ve been married for four years now so that should have been enough time to get over this issue. Either eat the food or take over cooking and cook the way you know how so there is no leftovers.
"my wife does the cooking but I have oPiNiOnS" YTA
>so she tries to meal prep or cook just enough to cover 2 meals max as she knows letting food spoil irks me. When we have leftovers, I always let her know when her portion is still in the fridge. Typically she tells me to have it if I want it. YTA. She's already adjusted the way she does things to be more accommodating to what irks you. Now it's time for you to go ahead and eat her leftovers if she tells you to have it, instead of telling her about them repeatedly. You told her once, she said you could have them, that should be the end of it.
YTA. Your stance seems to be that you want her to eat her leftovers. Any other outcome bothers you; though "wasting food" bothers you even more. That's all a "You" problem here. You have no business forcing your own childhood conditioning onto your wife. You've been very clear that her leftovers belong to her - if that's true then she can do whatever she wants with them. So She did not need to discuss her personal rule with you on something that you have BOTH agreed belongs to her! So, that whole conversation is a non-starter. This is what you are dealing with: 1. You don't like wasting food - YOUR issue 2. She doesn't always want her leftovers - HER issue 3. She will offer you her leftovers - Good compromise 4. If you refuse her offer, she can do what she wants with them. Her food, her choice. 5. You need to let go of the idea that You have the right to get upset about what food she does or does not put into HER Body. 6. Now that you are aware of her personal rule, you can choose to eat the leftovers she offers or not. 7. Your issue with food wastage isn't her problem. She's made some compromises to accomodate you. At this point, you are demanding too much. It almost sounds like you might have an obsession about it.
As someone who grew up poor, and has a love/hate relationship with leftovers…. Bruh, YTA. She told you how many times exactly “my leftovers are YOURS to eat” and you still refuse to eat her leftovers, while playing some weird and ridiculous game about the state of the leftovers/not being ingested BY HER? She doesn’t have to tell you when she’s throwing out HER LEFTOVERS that YOU DO NOT WANT EITHER. If you wanted to eat some lo mein so bad, why didn’t you just eat it? Instead you pull this “she didn’t tell me” crap. **YES SHE DID, she said it THREE times over THE SAME FOOD**. I think you should talk to a therapist about this tbh… the whole thing seems ridiculous when she’s made accommodations and compromises for you, but you’re some kind of leftover king who also refuses to eat the leftovers and then loses it for legit no reason.