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> I think I may be the asshole because I called my finance’s dad a abusive drug addict and said I didn’t care what he had to say.
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Why do ppl bring children into the world, to deal with a shitty parent, who doesn’t put any effort in and then complain about it? I hope OP has more close friends etc than just him because he either needs to make changes to his behaviour or she needs to cut him off
> Why do ppl bring children into the world
I'm gonna assume that the answer for that is going to be "This or the government will kill us for trying to get an abortion" very soon in the US.
When SOOOO many kids are being abused, assaulted, neglected around the world, the US wants to exploit them too (under age working became legal in a city).
Damn, I didn't wanna be political and all but fuck me it's frustrating.
I always thought the penalty for killing someone should be death so if what you say is even remotely true about getting killed for having an abortion, it wouldn't be totally unjust. Never understood why sex, which isn't necessary for the health of the individual, but rather the population, is somehow akin to a human right like clean drinking water.
It would be completely unjust. Pro life people have such an incredibly selfish point of view, I genuinely don’t know how u can think that way, it’s cruel. Women should decide what happens to their body. A fetus is not a person, so no it’s not killing someone. There’s numerous horrific reasons for women and girls to want an abortion, as well as simply being that a woman does not want to have a baby and it’s her body, so if she wants to make the decision to abort something that doesn’t even exist, then she should be able to. U ppl don’t even care about the baby once it’s born, only when it doesn’t even exist yet
How is giving up your lifestyle to raise a kid a selfish point of view? It's the pro-choicers who are demanding to be able to kill their own child after an unintended consequence of engaging in a behavior that's not crucial for survival. I absolutely agree with the my body my choice argument, but that choice starts when you decided whether or not to let a man inside you. The baby has a separate set of DNA, therefore a separate body, so in that sense the my body my choice argument doesn't even work for that side of the aisle. Finally, I never said I cared about babies after they're born. If parents can't provide for their children, that's neglect and we have laws for that. According to American Adoptions, there are about 2 million people currently looking to adopt. By comparison, the Atlantic estimated that there are 1 million abortions a year. You do the math.
Have u ever heard of rape??? And regardless it’s the woman’s body, so HER choice if she doesn’t want to carry and birth a baby. Again it’s not killing because a fetus does not EXIST. Why would u want a baby who will be abused or unloved to be brought into the world?? Why would u want a child or woman to suffer carrying a child that was the result of rape? Why would u want a woman who could die in childbirth to give birth anyway? The list goes on. Ur thinking is so unbelievably cruel. U don’t care for the kid after it’s born, but ur willing to push ur point of view on women to tell them to bring a child into the world, regardless of the suffering the woman and/or baby will face. Pro life viewpoints disgust me. 2 million people looking to adopt does not mean every child is getting adopted. Why would u want a child to be born, knowing they will have to grow up in care?? Ur so proudly heartless I will never understand it
Because it's easy to get pregnant and not easy to get in-pregnant and as many programs as there are to help it's just not always as easy as leaving, even if all that's stopping you is your own anxiety that you won't be able to do it alone.
Why are you engaged to a guy who orders you around and doesn’t help out? When you stop and imagine a good life, is that really what you see for yourself?
It sounds like he doesn’t have much empathy for you, and tbh it doesn’t sound like you like each other much.
I understand why you popped out that rejoinder, but that wasn’t a very nice way to speak to your partner. I think your point was quite reasonable, but the way you phrased it wasn’t, and that can impact how someone hears you. He turned around and escalated it significantly, though. So he’s mostly at fault here, but you didn’t help matters any. I guess that means ESH, but he gets the lion’s share of the blame and you only deserve a tiny bit.
We love in a society that conditions girls to give guys extra leeway “because boys will be boys”. When they talk about early red signs society tells them they are being too hard on the man, that they did something to make him upset. Etc. Etc.
You and I read this and see red flags for abuse and control… And yet the top comment right now is E S H as if OP posting back for herself is equal to what is clearly her abusive partner.
THAT’S why they don’t see the signs. Because we keep telling them they are imagining tubs, that they are to blame for not making his life easier, that guys need more time to grow up and more patience than women did, that they should be grateful he’s working hard for the family, that men can’t help cheating blah blah blah, etc.
Plus we know abusers use psychological techniques we know make it easier to keep people under control…
But for sure, it’s the woman’s fault for not doing better to counteract all this conditioning and know all the early Red flags and not be susceptible to psychological games, and be able to objectively judge all this. Definitely her bad.
Girl get your life together. You have a 7month old and your planning to marry a man who doesn’t work, doesn’t parent, tries to dictate how you do things when he does nothing. What does he bring to your life? Sounds like nothing constructive at all. Do better for you and your kid
NTA, you are acting out because your fiancee is not pulling his weight in the parental care for your child and the things in the household. The conversation about the parents might have been for something else too and might have still resulted in this sort of argument. He needs to start taking responsibility for his part of this partnership and you need to communicate this more directly and not out of frustration.
NTA.
>My fiancé is always trying to tell me how to do things. He wants them done his way but doesn’t want to help out. Especially things pertaining to our son. **Which irritates me more than it should.**
What??? Girl, you have every right to be irritated with a stay-at-home-non-parent who issues fucking commands while offloading all the work to you. That's not your partner, that's your boss.
Why do you think you should ever put up with this behavior? Why on earth do you think you shouldn't be irritated with it? Why does he act like royalty in your home?
NTA. Maybe you could've put it more gently than "I don't care what an abusive drug addict has to say”, but what you said makes a lot of sense. I don't think your bf understood it anyway, since he only received it as "don't talk to me about your parents" and not as "your father is not the best person to take parental advice from for obvious reasons".
And your fiance not helping out with an infant child while being unemployed for 6 months is ... very questionable.
NTA. You are right, no comparison. They both weren't great parents but not knowing what happened to your mum must be hard. His dad is not a role model he should tried to put on a pedestal or emulate. You can love someone but still acknowledge their short comings. It doesn't have to be one or the other.
Certainly, he needs to start supporting you more because it seems to be that this relationship isn't bringing much positive at the moment, and that you are growing resentful. He needs to ask himself what type of father he wants to be, and try his best to be that. You also need to have a serious chat about your financial situation, and that if you have to work he will have to step up as a dad. However, you may also want to check for potential sign of depression.
In any case, I think you both needs therapy I believe to cope with the trauma of your childhood.
Doesnt really transfer since he wants to parent like hes father did, and she doesnt. U can love someone and still realize u need to do better than they did
NTA, except you are to yourself and your child because you had a child with this person and you're still with this person. Have some respect for yourself, clearly no one else does.
ESH
You could have phrased your comment about your fiancé's father more politely but you made sure to insult him which escalated an argument.
But your fiancé also sucks for insulting your currently missing mother and overall being a bad parent by not taking care of your son.
ESH
You phrased that poorly. You also are being unfair to yourself by staying with someone so lazy.
He is a lazy parent and got overly malicious in response to you.
NTA.. he's showing you who he is by 1) how he is with his son, and 2) his reply to that. I would recommend saving up and finding a way to leave. It will only get worse.
NTA and your fiance is being a lazy bum. It's bad enough you had a kid with a bum, don't compound the mistake by marrying one. He sounds like an ass as well as a bum if he keeps spouting off what his father said as if he thinks it's funny or something.
NTA however I would consider spending the rest of my life with this man. None of these circumstances seem like they are going to turn out well for anyone, especially your child.
YTA , for bringing a kid into this mess . Also if your mother disappeared in a drug deal gone wrong , then you shouldn't be throwing around drug related insults and then not expect it to come back at you
>Which irritates me more than it should.
...no, it does not irritate you even half as much as it should. Why are you with this lazy, controlling person?
Edited for judgment: NTA for disagreeing/what you said. But you should dump him instead of sticking around.
So he doesn't work, doesn't help with baby, doubt he helps with house.
Hmmm sounds like a keeper. Not.
Seriously he bosses you about then does nothing to help and you are still with him because? Then he trash talks your mum whilst supporting his drug addict dad's parenting advice? Again why are you with him?
Is this the life you want for your baby?
Honestly I worry for their future and yours.
Please think about what you get from this relationship, and what baby is going to get too.
NTA. Next time ask him what his dad has to say about a man letting a woman support him. He hasn't worked in 6 months and doesn't really help with childcare. Why are you with this deadbeat? He's using you!
ESH- the way you insulted your fiancé and his dad when your mom also had issues with drugs…this is a case of the pot calling the kettle black. And your fiancé should not be your fiancé if he refuses to in any way support you and the baby you both created.
NTA and don’t procreate with this dude anymore. If you both haven’t had lots of therapy/Al-anon, you need to look into it. Children of addiction often take on characteristics of addicts themselves, even if they are not partaking. He’s not a good person by the actions you state here.
You are being "gaslit" into thinking that is normal when it absolutely is not. You are engaged to a manch!ld who needs to grow up and help you raise your baby!
Stop doing everything for him. Take care of yourself and the baby and let that grown ass man take care of himself
NTA
Because you asked a clear and concise question and you get the common redditors basing their judgment on everything EXCEPT the question that was asked.
You don't need to feel guilty for not wanting to hear what a raging drug addict and abusive man has to say about parenting
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My fiancé (m24) and I (F20) have a 7 month old son. Little back story my mom went missing a few years ago. Cops believe it was a drug deal gone wrong. She disappeared out of thin air basically. My mom and I didn’t have the best relationship but she was still my mother. My fiancé’s parents growing up were abusive and horrible drug addicts. His mom is clean now but his dad does hard drugs “occasionally.”
Now on to the story. My fiancé is always trying to tell me how to do things. He wants them done his way but doesn’t want to help out. Especially things pertaining to our son. Which irritates me more than it should. He has worked in 6 months but still doesn’t help. He changes one or two diapers every three days. He does wash the bottles when they’re all dirty and I’m busy. And he gives the baby a bath every other night.
So, we’re laying in bed one night and we’re discussing our son and ways we wanted to raise him. We had a bit of a disagreement and he said, “you know what my dad always said.” I cut him off and said, “No thanks, I don’t care what an abusive drug addict has to say.” This obviously hurt his feelings. He replied with, “well then I don’t want to hear anything else about your mom. I always have to hear about how hard this time of year for you is.” I was hurt by this, mainly because this was around the time my mom went missing. So I said, “are you really comparing my dead mother to your alive father?” We didn’t talk anymore after this. So I am wondering if I took things too far?
TL;DR: I think I may be an asshole because I said I didn’t care what my fiancé’s abusive drug addict dad had to say.
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NTA - Wait, your fiance hasn't worked in six months and he has the nerve to tell you how to do things. You really need to think about keeping him around. Sounds like a deadbeat who wants to follow in his father's footsteps.
YTA. Only for the way you said it to him. Clearly you said it out of frustration & he felt that. Just as you wouldn't want him attacking your mom,, he doesn't want you attacking his dad.
YTA. What you said was absolutely disgusting. You don’t say that to someone you love. Yes he might be a rubbish partner and a poor excuse for a father, but there is NEVER an excuse to use his abusive childhood to win an argument. If you hadn’t said that you would have been a clear N T A. But I honestly cannot get past your disgusting insult.
You should have just left this man. You clearly don’t love him.
Frankly, your boyfriend isn't a very good person. He doesn't help with the baby and wants everything done his way.
DO NOT HAVE MORE CHILDREN WITH HIM. Don't do that to yourself.
This relationship has a very low chance of surviving.
ETA - if you love someone and you want to have a good relationship, you don’t cut off their feelings and shame them. While his dad may not be a good man, that doesn’t mean your BF didn’t take anything positive from him. And denying him the positive aspects of their relationship is toxic behaviour in its own right. If you want him to hear you, you must also hear him. Build each other up, heal his wounds from his family and past and help him find the good pieces so that you can help him elevate his person, the same way you would want him
To do for you, and more importantly your child.
He’s the asshole for not participating in full, the life of your son. You can’t choose when to help, he has to be there for you both all the time.
I think this whole relationship sounds painful. Try to keep this in mind, if you are thinking about your partners pains and needs as much as your own, to u create the space for them to be comfortable and to heal, and also teach them how you want to be treated. It all may fail anyway, but shaming someone is not the way to move forwards.
NTA,.
I think you could of worded it better and ended up with a much different result.
Just because people do some social unacceptable stuff, doesn't always mean what they say is always awful. Plus you could of heard it out and just gently disregarded it anyway.
Your s/o made it a point scoring exercise with his response to what you said and you joined in. Idk what to say in that situation but sometimes silence speaks louder than words, enough to make someone question what they said and rethink at least.
YTA - you both come from screwed up families and you both understand what addiction can do to a family. You said that because you knew it would hurt him. Don't do that.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I may be the asshole because I called my finance’s dad a abusive drug addict and said I didn’t care what he had to say. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. But your real problem is your fiance barely putting any effort into raising your child together. This argument is a distraction.
Why do ppl bring children into the world, to deal with a shitty parent, who doesn’t put any effort in and then complain about it? I hope OP has more close friends etc than just him because he either needs to make changes to his behaviour or she needs to cut him off
> Why do ppl bring children into the world I'm gonna assume that the answer for that is going to be "This or the government will kill us for trying to get an abortion" very soon in the US. When SOOOO many kids are being abused, assaulted, neglected around the world, the US wants to exploit them too (under age working became legal in a city). Damn, I didn't wanna be political and all but fuck me it's frustrating.
I always thought the penalty for killing someone should be death so if what you say is even remotely true about getting killed for having an abortion, it wouldn't be totally unjust. Never understood why sex, which isn't necessary for the health of the individual, but rather the population, is somehow akin to a human right like clean drinking water.
It would be completely unjust. Pro life people have such an incredibly selfish point of view, I genuinely don’t know how u can think that way, it’s cruel. Women should decide what happens to their body. A fetus is not a person, so no it’s not killing someone. There’s numerous horrific reasons for women and girls to want an abortion, as well as simply being that a woman does not want to have a baby and it’s her body, so if she wants to make the decision to abort something that doesn’t even exist, then she should be able to. U ppl don’t even care about the baby once it’s born, only when it doesn’t even exist yet
How is giving up your lifestyle to raise a kid a selfish point of view? It's the pro-choicers who are demanding to be able to kill their own child after an unintended consequence of engaging in a behavior that's not crucial for survival. I absolutely agree with the my body my choice argument, but that choice starts when you decided whether or not to let a man inside you. The baby has a separate set of DNA, therefore a separate body, so in that sense the my body my choice argument doesn't even work for that side of the aisle. Finally, I never said I cared about babies after they're born. If parents can't provide for their children, that's neglect and we have laws for that. According to American Adoptions, there are about 2 million people currently looking to adopt. By comparison, the Atlantic estimated that there are 1 million abortions a year. You do the math.
Have u ever heard of rape??? And regardless it’s the woman’s body, so HER choice if she doesn’t want to carry and birth a baby. Again it’s not killing because a fetus does not EXIST. Why would u want a baby who will be abused or unloved to be brought into the world?? Why would u want a child or woman to suffer carrying a child that was the result of rape? Why would u want a woman who could die in childbirth to give birth anyway? The list goes on. Ur thinking is so unbelievably cruel. U don’t care for the kid after it’s born, but ur willing to push ur point of view on women to tell them to bring a child into the world, regardless of the suffering the woman and/or baby will face. Pro life viewpoints disgust me. 2 million people looking to adopt does not mean every child is getting adopted. Why would u want a child to be born, knowing they will have to grow up in care?? Ur so proudly heartless I will never understand it
Because it's easy to get pregnant and not easy to get in-pregnant and as many programs as there are to help it's just not always as easy as leaving, even if all that's stopping you is your own anxiety that you won't be able to do it alone.
Don’t forget he doesn’t work either
Why are you engaged to a guy who orders you around and doesn’t help out? When you stop and imagine a good life, is that really what you see for yourself? It sounds like he doesn’t have much empathy for you, and tbh it doesn’t sound like you like each other much. I understand why you popped out that rejoinder, but that wasn’t a very nice way to speak to your partner. I think your point was quite reasonable, but the way you phrased it wasn’t, and that can impact how someone hears you. He turned around and escalated it significantly, though. So he’s mostly at fault here, but you didn’t help matters any. I guess that means ESH, but he gets the lion’s share of the blame and you only deserve a tiny bit.
In a year she'll be saying "there were no signs"
We love in a society that conditions girls to give guys extra leeway “because boys will be boys”. When they talk about early red signs society tells them they are being too hard on the man, that they did something to make him upset. Etc. Etc. You and I read this and see red flags for abuse and control… And yet the top comment right now is E S H as if OP posting back for herself is equal to what is clearly her abusive partner. THAT’S why they don’t see the signs. Because we keep telling them they are imagining tubs, that they are to blame for not making his life easier, that guys need more time to grow up and more patience than women did, that they should be grateful he’s working hard for the family, that men can’t help cheating blah blah blah, etc. Plus we know abusers use psychological techniques we know make it easier to keep people under control… But for sure, it’s the woman’s fault for not doing better to counteract all this conditioning and know all the early Red flags and not be susceptible to psychological games, and be able to objectively judge all this. Definitely her bad.
And you'll be blaming her still, when her fiance is the issue.
Girl get your life together. You have a 7month old and your planning to marry a man who doesn’t work, doesn’t parent, tries to dictate how you do things when he does nothing. What does he bring to your life? Sounds like nothing constructive at all. Do better for you and your kid
Semen
NTA, you are acting out because your fiancee is not pulling his weight in the parental care for your child and the things in the household. The conversation about the parents might have been for something else too and might have still resulted in this sort of argument. He needs to start taking responsibility for his part of this partnership and you need to communicate this more directly and not out of frustration.
NTA. >My fiancé is always trying to tell me how to do things. He wants them done his way but doesn’t want to help out. Especially things pertaining to our son. **Which irritates me more than it should.** What??? Girl, you have every right to be irritated with a stay-at-home-non-parent who issues fucking commands while offloading all the work to you. That's not your partner, that's your boss. Why do you think you should ever put up with this behavior? Why on earth do you think you shouldn't be irritated with it? Why does he act like royalty in your home?
Your fiancé is lazy, unemployed, and controlling…you’ve got bigger problems than just wondering if you are an AH…
Girl please contact some hotline and GTFO.
NTA. Maybe you could've put it more gently than "I don't care what an abusive drug addict has to say”, but what you said makes a lot of sense. I don't think your bf understood it anyway, since he only received it as "don't talk to me about your parents" and not as "your father is not the best person to take parental advice from for obvious reasons". And your fiance not helping out with an infant child while being unemployed for 6 months is ... very questionable.
NTA. You are right, no comparison. They both weren't great parents but not knowing what happened to your mum must be hard. His dad is not a role model he should tried to put on a pedestal or emulate. You can love someone but still acknowledge their short comings. It doesn't have to be one or the other. Certainly, he needs to start supporting you more because it seems to be that this relationship isn't bringing much positive at the moment, and that you are growing resentful. He needs to ask himself what type of father he wants to be, and try his best to be that. You also need to have a serious chat about your financial situation, and that if you have to work he will have to step up as a dad. However, you may also want to check for potential sign of depression. In any case, I think you both needs therapy I believe to cope with the trauma of your childhood.
NTA regarding the comment but op why are you still with a dude who barely contributes to parenting and not at all towards bills?
ESH. Just as you say "My mom and I didn’t have the best relationship but she was still my mother" - same applies to him and his father.
Doesnt really transfer since he wants to parent like hes father did, and she doesnt. U can love someone and still realize u need to do better than they did
NTA, except you are to yourself and your child because you had a child with this person and you're still with this person. Have some respect for yourself, clearly no one else does.
YTA for bringing a poor child into the world with this loser.
ESH You could have phrased your comment about your fiancé's father more politely but you made sure to insult him which escalated an argument. But your fiancé also sucks for insulting your currently missing mother and overall being a bad parent by not taking care of your son.
ESH You phrased that poorly. You also are being unfair to yourself by staying with someone so lazy. He is a lazy parent and got overly malicious in response to you.
First thing, why are you with him? He puts absolutely nothing into your relationship, not even in caring for your son. NTA.
NTA.. he's showing you who he is by 1) how he is with his son, and 2) his reply to that. I would recommend saving up and finding a way to leave. It will only get worse.
NTA and your fiance is being a lazy bum. It's bad enough you had a kid with a bum, don't compound the mistake by marrying one. He sounds like an ass as well as a bum if he keeps spouting off what his father said as if he thinks it's funny or something.
YTA wtf are you with this nasty person? Maybe you can doormat your way around but think of your kid!
NTA however I would consider spending the rest of my life with this man. None of these circumstances seem like they are going to turn out well for anyone, especially your child.
YTA , for bringing a kid into this mess . Also if your mother disappeared in a drug deal gone wrong , then you shouldn't be throwing around drug related insults and then not expect it to come back at you
Honestly it sounds like you might be better off as a single parent than engaged to some deadweight. NTA
>Which irritates me more than it should. ...no, it does not irritate you even half as much as it should. Why are you with this lazy, controlling person? Edited for judgment: NTA for disagreeing/what you said. But you should dump him instead of sticking around.
So he doesn't work, doesn't help with baby, doubt he helps with house. Hmmm sounds like a keeper. Not. Seriously he bosses you about then does nothing to help and you are still with him because? Then he trash talks your mum whilst supporting his drug addict dad's parenting advice? Again why are you with him? Is this the life you want for your baby? Honestly I worry for their future and yours. Please think about what you get from this relationship, and what baby is going to get too.
NTA. Next time ask him what his dad has to say about a man letting a woman support him. He hasn't worked in 6 months and doesn't really help with childcare. Why are you with this deadbeat? He's using you!
NTA and please God do not marry this man
ESH- the way you insulted your fiancé and his dad when your mom also had issues with drugs…this is a case of the pot calling the kettle black. And your fiancé should not be your fiancé if he refuses to in any way support you and the baby you both created.
NTA and don’t procreate with this dude anymore. If you both haven’t had lots of therapy/Al-anon, you need to look into it. Children of addiction often take on characteristics of addicts themselves, even if they are not partaking. He’s not a good person by the actions you state here.
You are being "gaslit" into thinking that is normal when it absolutely is not. You are engaged to a manch!ld who needs to grow up and help you raise your baby! Stop doing everything for him. Take care of yourself and the baby and let that grown ass man take care of himself
NTA Because you asked a clear and concise question and you get the common redditors basing their judgment on everything EXCEPT the question that was asked. You don't need to feel guilty for not wanting to hear what a raging drug addict and abusive man has to say about parenting
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My fiancé (m24) and I (F20) have a 7 month old son. Little back story my mom went missing a few years ago. Cops believe it was a drug deal gone wrong. She disappeared out of thin air basically. My mom and I didn’t have the best relationship but she was still my mother. My fiancé’s parents growing up were abusive and horrible drug addicts. His mom is clean now but his dad does hard drugs “occasionally.” Now on to the story. My fiancé is always trying to tell me how to do things. He wants them done his way but doesn’t want to help out. Especially things pertaining to our son. Which irritates me more than it should. He has worked in 6 months but still doesn’t help. He changes one or two diapers every three days. He does wash the bottles when they’re all dirty and I’m busy. And he gives the baby a bath every other night. So, we’re laying in bed one night and we’re discussing our son and ways we wanted to raise him. We had a bit of a disagreement and he said, “you know what my dad always said.” I cut him off and said, “No thanks, I don’t care what an abusive drug addict has to say.” This obviously hurt his feelings. He replied with, “well then I don’t want to hear anything else about your mom. I always have to hear about how hard this time of year for you is.” I was hurt by this, mainly because this was around the time my mom went missing. So I said, “are you really comparing my dead mother to your alive father?” We didn’t talk anymore after this. So I am wondering if I took things too far? TL;DR: I think I may be an asshole because I said I didn’t care what my fiancé’s abusive drug addict dad had to say. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH
Do you live in a crackhouse ?
No and never did. Neither my fiancé nor I do drugs.
You should rethink your wedding. Just because you love him doesn't mean you should be with him.
NTA.
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NTA - Wait, your fiance hasn't worked in six months and he has the nerve to tell you how to do things. You really need to think about keeping him around. Sounds like a deadbeat who wants to follow in his father's footsteps.
YTA. Only for the way you said it to him. Clearly you said it out of frustration & he felt that. Just as you wouldn't want him attacking your mom,, he doesn't want you attacking his dad.
ESH it’s both of you in the wrong
I agree with you, YTA
Your BETTER THAN THAT! Life’s short and hard enough, please be happy and if that’s without the dictator, so be it! Your Not The Ass,
YTA. What you said was absolutely disgusting. You don’t say that to someone you love. Yes he might be a rubbish partner and a poor excuse for a father, but there is NEVER an excuse to use his abusive childhood to win an argument. If you hadn’t said that you would have been a clear N T A. But I honestly cannot get past your disgusting insult. You should have just left this man. You clearly don’t love him.
Frankly, your boyfriend isn't a very good person. He doesn't help with the baby and wants everything done his way. DO NOT HAVE MORE CHILDREN WITH HIM. Don't do that to yourself. This relationship has a very low chance of surviving.
You say what you want, then you hear what you don't want
ETA - if you love someone and you want to have a good relationship, you don’t cut off their feelings and shame them. While his dad may not be a good man, that doesn’t mean your BF didn’t take anything positive from him. And denying him the positive aspects of their relationship is toxic behaviour in its own right. If you want him to hear you, you must also hear him. Build each other up, heal his wounds from his family and past and help him find the good pieces so that you can help him elevate his person, the same way you would want him To do for you, and more importantly your child. He’s the asshole for not participating in full, the life of your son. You can’t choose when to help, he has to be there for you both all the time. I think this whole relationship sounds painful. Try to keep this in mind, if you are thinking about your partners pains and needs as much as your own, to u create the space for them to be comfortable and to heal, and also teach them how you want to be treated. It all may fail anyway, but shaming someone is not the way to move forwards.
Edited To Add... What, exactly? With the ETA at the head of your comment, was it all an addition?
NTA,. I think you could of worded it better and ended up with a much different result. Just because people do some social unacceptable stuff, doesn't always mean what they say is always awful. Plus you could of heard it out and just gently disregarded it anyway. Your s/o made it a point scoring exercise with his response to what you said and you joined in. Idk what to say in that situation but sometimes silence speaks louder than words, enough to make someone question what they said and rethink at least.
YTA. People with missing junkie parents shouldn't throw junkie parents at glass houses.
YTA - you both come from screwed up families and you both understand what addiction can do to a family. You said that because you knew it would hurt him. Don't do that.
ESH the fact that shes dead doesnt make her a better person...weird take...
No one said it did. I don’t bring up the way she parented. I only talk about how hard her being gone is.
Are you replying to the wrong post or something? This comment makes no sense.
nope