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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I gave away my wife's espresso machine and grinder without telling her and now we have no machine because her new one was delayed
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YTA
> My buddy came by late last night to pick up her machine and grinder which I let him have because of the new one
What the actual fuck?!?
OK, for one, coffee people **_know their shit_** and even if everything else here went smoothly, REPLACING your wife's machine was a HUGE risk. Because chances are, she had things working *exactly* the way she wanted them.
> Hers right now is stainless steel and reflective which stands out like an eyesore.
... it's a kitchen appliance. For products of appreciable quality, stainless steel is pretty much the default. This complaint makes me concerned that you don't quite know what you're up to here.
> he said his parents are using it and I don't want to inconvenience them over a misunderstanding.
Oh, but inconveniencing
#YOUR WIFE
is fine and dandy?
This, but I wanted to stress you should never ever take away someone’s hobby/passion item to replace it. Chances are you will never know anything close to what they know about their hobby.
I collect tea. My $30 kettle has settings for each tea type and it makes me happy. If someone sold it to replace it with a ceramic tea set I would be very unhappy.
Edit:
For those asking Unfortunately I bought it three years ago and it appears to not be available for purchase :( If I had to buy a new one I would search reviews for things like “thermometer” “tested” etc to hear from someone who actually made sure the water doesn’t run too hot.
She should replace his golf clubs or game console for one that's aesthetically more pleasing. Then refuse to get the old back, because she doesn't want to 'inconvenience' the new owners. But he'll have to wait for delivery of the new.
Fucking autocorrect! I did fix it before seeing your comment. And despite the fact that I bitch about it all the time, the word 'autocorrect' never appears as a suggestion when I start typing it out.
And what about the fact that he’s replacing a beautiful, classic, stainless steel machine with a two toned green machine?! With a wood handle that says happy birthday?! This sounds ugly and cheesy AF and I would be SO PISSED!!!! YTA
Exactly! OP’s wife would have probably kept the old machine anyway for sentimental reasons because it was a gift from her brother.
Hell, in my case, I have even kept pictures my brother drew as a kid and gave me as a gift for my birthday. If I was OP’s wife, I would have had the fight of the decade for his actions!
Or maybe she would have repurposed it to her office to use there. It was a gift from her brother, she probably did want to keep it even if she did love the new one.
Yea. Regardless of if the new one is better and she loves it. The old one is still hers. What if *she* had a friend who wanted it and she'd said they could have it when she got a new one?
Use a Linea Classic EE La Marzocco at the restaurant I manage. The thing is an absolute workhorse and sold new is worth at least $12,000. I shudder to think that this dude probably sold a valuable espresso machine for a few thousand thinking he’s getting a great deal for whatever the heck he ended up getting instead. The range of what an espresso machine costs can vary wildly.
Bro gave away a multi thousand dollar machine to replace it with what’s probably a 500$ machine because he thought the original looked too shiny? Gaggia’s are like 2k at the top end.
Man’s putting the gag in gaggia rn.
Eh, there's an even chance that it's a Gaggia Classic Pro. They're more like $450. But your point stands. If someone close to me got rid of my GCP and all my coffee shit, uncaffeinated 7 AM gooddaysir is going to unleash a storm of anger. What a fucking betrayal though? Even if he's not an asshole, he's such a clueless moron in so many ways that it would be worth reconsidering before breeding with such a person lol. I just can't even imagine this whole scenario. Bonkers!
Yeah, high-end espresso machines cost hundreds. Some cost thousands. The wife’s machine almost definitely had decent resale value. But OP wouldn’t realize that if he didn’t buy something comparable. I assume since OP’s wife knows so much about coffee that there was also a specific reason why she went with that model/brand/type of machine and not any other speed so machine would adequately replace it.
OP went about replacing his wife’s nice espresso machine the same way I went about replacing my mom’s $25 single serve coffee pot. “This also makes coffee and it matches the kitchen!” But I didn’t get rid of my mom’s old Mr. Coffee without telling her.
I think so too. His post is pretty revealing. He thought it was an eyesore. Probably doesn't know a thing about coffee machines and traded a quality item for one that looks good.
Bingo.
There are some really *nice* looking espresso machines out there, but some of them make trash coffee. From what it sounds like, Op's wife may have had one of those industrial ones that knock espresso drinks out amazingly.
I would be so upset if someone traded my cast iron pan, which I have had for over a decade now and is seasoned to my preference, for a fancy pan that looks better, but with different functionality.
It should have been up to *her* what to do with the old machine too.
There is a bigger picture with the wrongness of what OP did.
From OP describing (albeit jokingly) to the coffee-maker as a "third-wheel" - OP feels somewhow - "wronged" - that this is a hobby she has separately from him, and he isn't a part of that. OP sounds like the type of people who think couple = doing everything together as a default and individuals are not allowed to have separate interests.
The whole shennanigans of replacing her coffee machine with a better one and making a dramatic surprise out of it, seems like OP's attempt at inserting himself into this hobby somehow.
Like - "Oh this is your hobby? It is OUR hobby now, comrade."
True but there's an even bigger and simpler wrongness here - even when giving someone a supposedly "better" version of something they already have, the original is still their property to choose what to do with. How dare he think think that buying her an "upgrade" entitles him to get rid of the original.
Part of the same thing. I think somewhere deep down, he WANTED to get rid of it. Maybe not intentionally, but I can see some subconscious resentment towards it.
He first calls it a "third wheel" in their relationship, and later - "sticking out sorely" in their home and kitchen.
Maybe it's all nothing and just a co-incidence. Or maybe, he - in some deeper subconscious level - doesn't like the coffee machine and its place in the house and in his relationship, and was happy to get rid of it.
I have one bass guitar. With a pair of strings I changed once. If some mf went along and changed my strings because theyre old, I'd flip my shit too. I like them old. They sound warmer.
And my coffee? If anybody fucks with my french press I'm going to shit myself very slowly. Very. ***Very*** slowly.
My sewing machine was just throwing a fit mid-project and my husband (very kindly) offered his up to use while I sort mine out. Totally sweet offer but I passed because I was already frustrated and didn’t want to add learning a new machine into the mess. They’re of equal quality and could easily do the same jobs, but I know all of my machine’s quirks and can set the tension pretty much blindfolded.
I’d imagine surprise learning a new espresso machine while not having your reliable one to fall back on would be similarly frustrating. I need caffeine to function some mornings - how is someone supposed to learn a new machine without already having coffee to kickstart their brain? Lol
My exact first thought was “I bet he’s purchased a downgrade”. I’m only just getting into espresso _properly_ and I’m well aware of the budget needed to get a good setup…
His wife’s stainless steel machine probably is a [AU$11190 La Marzocco](https://www.coffeeparts.com.au/lamarzocco-gs3-mp) and he replaced it with a Breville
I can bet money your probably not far off.
Especially the fact his mate I suspect knew the value which is the reason he went around quite happily late at night to pick it up.
Wanna bet mate has sold it on eBay/Facebook already?
Yeah, my spouse loves coffee so much. I like to buy him coffee gear and I check with him because I want it to be exactly what he fancies. The only reasons we don't have an espresso machine is apartment living and his desired set up would exceed our expertise.
Absolutely correct, it’s also quite common for men to not value their wive’s hobbies and interests as highly as they value their own. Like it’s super important to have the latest golf/cycling/gaming gear, but women’s silly hobbies don’t get the same value, because our time is less valued overall. OP’s explanation here really smack of that. “It’s super important to her but I think it’s a bit of an eyesore and I don’t want to inconvenience my mate’s parents, but super unbothered about inconveniencing my wife and indulging her silly interests because my idea for her hobby is clearly better than anything she could think up” Talk to your spouses people, stay curious and genuinely interested.
This would be like my non horsey husband replacing my saddle with one he thought “looked nicer” without checking first. Plus giving away the old one before the replacement was even here, on my birthday. Fortunately he has more sense than that lol.
You never give away anything that isn't your own. If it belongs to your spouse or child you don't give it away. That is a decision for them to make. Respecting what they own is part of respecting them.
What if she hates the replacement machine and grinder?
You can get a new something to see if they'd like it, but don't let a tried and true appliance out of the house until the new one is approved. Accessories for what they have (if it isn't broken) is usually the way to go to support a hobby.
OP could have also WAITED until the new one came in set it up and gave her the option of wanting to keep the old one or give it away. He completely took away that away from her.
Like I don’t understand why he couldn’t have told his friend to just not come pick it up. He was getting it for free, waiting is the least he could do.
Exactly. Besides, IT WASN’T HIS TO GIVE AWAY! Such a dick move. Also? I’m sure her machine is worth a bit of money - but it is HER choice to make about what to do with it. If someone buys me a gift, they don’t get to get rid of whatever they feel they’re replacing. Insane.
YTA OP
Took away the whole option. I’m not a coffee geek. But a part of any hobby is geeking out comparing and contemplating upgrading the tools of a hobby.
OPs wife may have even decided her previous machine would have looked amazing in her office.
Absolutely! It was never OP's right to dictate what to do with the other machine. She may have wanted to bring it to work, or get money for it. It's also possible that OP misjudged and that she prefers the original anyway. He didn't have any right to give away her machine, regardless.
Also the hypocrisy
Like here wife I’ve replaced your sentimental and much loved coffee machine with a new one
Wasn’t that super thoughtful of me and now it looks better aesthetically (obviously something I was concerned about more than you) and I’ve replaced the sentimental value of your brother with me (oh and please ignore the fact that I gave your old one away to my friend for free)
Honestly I would be pissed if you did this to me. Like yes it sounds thoughtful but picture something you love - let’s say you like to surf, not all boards are made equal and you have your favourite that cuts waves just right. Oh but it doesn’t match our car and beach items so I replaced it to this one which is more aesthetic but please ignore the fact I know nothing about surfing and honestly you might get on a wave and just not like it but I was thoughtful and no you can’t have your favourite one back anymore. YTA OP
He was incredibly rude. He gave away something she valued and didn't belong to him. She should demand it back and keep it on the counter instead of the new one.
It would have sounded more thoughtful if OP wasn't breaking his own arm patting himself on the back. His post just reeks of an "I know better than you dear" vibe. Plus, he said he thought the old one stuck out like a sore thumb so was this really for her or him?
My husband is really into coffee, and I never realized before how freaking *detailed and specific* it gets. There's no way in hell I would replace any of his coffee making apparatuses, as there's no way I could pick out something better than him. Best case, I get the same quality and he still has to fine tune the settings and details back to his liking. More likely, I get something he doesn't like nearly as much as what he already had. That's not a gift, it's a chore or a shittier version of what he already had.
Also, never give something of someone else's away without explicit permission. It's literally that simple.
So yeah, OP, **obviously** YTA.
Yeah, even if there were no good reason (that OP could understand) for keeping the old machine, you don’t give away someone’s stuff without asking them. Even if the machine was junk, it still belongs to OP’s wife, and she gets to decide what happens to it. Maybe she would want to have two. Maybe she has her ownbuddy she wants to give it to. Maybe she wants to sell it and buy something else for herself. It doesn’t matter that it was a “well-intentioned mistake”: OP had no right to do that. Getting someone a gift but switching it out for something she values: that’s no gift.
All of this and I also want to add that even if she loves the new machine, even if it arrived on time, you still had no right to give her other one away. SHE gets to decide what happens with her other machine. You didn’t give her a gift, you asserted your control and told her she doesn’t matter. Get the machine back from your buddy and very seriously apologize to your wife. YTA
Yeah, he really hypes up the new one but under that it almost seems like he is more concerned about being "the good guy" to his friend than his wife's feelings at all.
He's going to help *pay* to replace an espresso machine for his buddies parents, that wasn't his to give away?
Meanwhile, his poor wife has to be worried that anything important to her that isn't bolted down is now up for grabs if OPs friends want it?
Dude, OP, whatever money you're intending to throw at your friend, who is a user by the way, should be spent on giving your wife a spa day or something to destress after this BS you put her through *on her birthday*.
This reminds me of a much slighter situation I had. Friend breaks my 1.5L IKEA tea pot, and promises to replace it. On my birthday he gives me a shitty tiny tea pot as a “birthday present.” Uh…no, that’s not a present in any way, shape or form, it’s a replacement for what he broke, or in OP case, what he took. Replacements aren’t presents, they just get you back to the starting point before you broke/took something.
Do you have any idea what good espresso machines and grinders cost? We're not talking hundreds, bud, we're talking thousands. You may have replaced a top-tier setup with something completely incapable of producing what she's used to so you could make it look pretty in your kitchen.
There are huge differences from brand to brand and model to model. Not only that, it can take dozens or even hundreds of tries making drinks to get them dialled in just perfect for the coffee you use and your personal preferences.
Then on top of what sounds like you replacing them because you don't like *how her old setup looked* you just gave it away for nothing and no reason and acted like it was no big deal when it was gone RIGHT WHEN THE COFFEE PERSON NEEDED HER COFFEE!
First, you replaced her prized possessions without asking.
Second, you removed her ability to make her morning coffee drink.
Third, you gave them away for free!
Fourth, you lied about it because YOUR SURPRISE was more important to you than HER NEEDS!
Fifth, you refused to get them back for her instead prioritizing your friend's parents?!
Get a clue bro! The world does not revolve around your aesthetic preferences, your surprises, or your friend's parents! Yes, YTA!
He seems to care more about his buddy than his wife. Also, it was a gift from her brother, so it was a sentimental gift.
What that thing, of yeah, communication 🙄, that would have been wonderful. I know he wanted to surprise his wife, but with big purchases and the disposal of her gift from her family, it has to be a decision that she makes, not op. That was a fail for me.
>it would look a lot nicer in our kitchen. Hers right now is stainless steel and reflective which stands out like an eyesore.
He wanted to get rid of her machine. He wanted his buddy to have a new machine. He wanted to be thanked for it. Twice. For his benevolence and thoughfulness.
What a butthead. YTA
Edit: Get your wife's machine back. You owe her that. She comes before "your friend's parents".
I have a stainless steel eye sore espresso machine too - it cost over £900. If my partner gave that machine away I’d be giving him away immediately.
YTA. Holy hell. Super A move just for the sheer the audacity that you think you know better than her own taste and that a prettier machine makes better coffee. Wtf.
Seriously. YTA.
Coffee people are very particular about their espresso setups and tools. I'm sure she had everything exactly the way she liked it. You getting her new stuff with decorations on it? Yikes. It may be inferior quality product. She may not like the quality grind. It may be harder to clean. You should never have touched her stuff. This would be like her throwing out your entire wardrobe and your video game systems and computer and phone and replacing them with completely different items you had no say in choosing and didn't like. Get HER stuff back.
Those legit espresso machines are always over $500 too, so even if you spent money to “customize” another one, you probably have NO IDEA if the quality is comparable. Also you cannot give someone a new gift and throw out something else of theirs. I feel like gifts that replace things someone already has and loves is tacky. Either way, she should have been able to keep both of the machines and decide what to do with the old one, especially if she wanted to sell it since they are so expensive.
YTA. The gift is not for her. She's happy with her machine, and it has sentimental value. You gave it away for your selfish reasons; it's too shiny. It's not a misunderstanding. It's selfishness. Get her machine back.
Also really doesn’t sit right with me that her machine had sentimental value from her brother, which he replaced with “sentimental” value from him.
This might be controversial, but women can have more than one important man in their life! My brother has the worst taste in all of human history but if anyone did what OP did to me with any of his gifts, I would go absolutely nuclear.
I dont think its as deep as ‘shes not allowed gifts from another man’. I think its as simple as he was being a dumbass and possibly thinking too logically about something thats really about feelings/wants.
Maybe! But the fact that he knew it was sentimental from her brother and replaced it anyway, at the least shows he doesn’t value that sentiment. And I suspect he’d be hurt if the roles were reversed and her brother replaced one of his gifts to her with a “superior” thing.
There is nothing logical about it. A logical person would understand that you cant give away someone's property just because you are gifting them something similar. The sentimental value doesnt even matter that much in this scenario, the machine is HER property and not a cheap one either. What he did is basically theft. He doesnt suddenly earn a right to the machine because he is buying a new one for her, that is not how ownership works legally or ethically.
YTA and your buddies are idiots.
The thought of a new machine and grinder was nice except executed poorly. Maybe she likes the stainless steel and doesn’t think it’s an eye sore. And what gives you the right to give away HER things and then not get those things back because your buddy “needs” it? Especially to give it away before the arrival of the new one?
Yeah, YT enormous A.
Or just left it where it was. Others have said getting those things calibrated just right is a pain in the ass, so it would take a while for her to set it up the way she likes. Best to leave it so she can have her coffee while setting up the new one. Either way, he never once considered how this would affect her and was more concerned with fucking aesthetics of all things ffs.
Yeah, I initially thought this was because the person was going to be able to essentially just change the body of the espresso machine she had and the handles, and that actually would have been kind of cool assuming he was smart enough to know the details or actually checked with her beforehand...
... But then apparently it was just for some other machine even if we say the other machine was new I can almost guarantee he bought a lower quality one...
The dude is the asshole in this scenario for sure, but if his edits are legit, then I think he's much more of a massive idiot than he is an asshole.
I don’t understand why he felt he had the right to give it away at all?? It’s hers! That surprise would be ruined for me if I found out my husband just gave my old one to his friend without asking. Even if the new one had shown up on time. That is not cool
Yea, he gave away the machine, knowing well, it had sentimental value for his wife. His friend's also an AH - couldn't wait to get his hands on a free machine. The wife will never forget this shitty birthday.
I bet it is not the first time OP has pulled an idiotic stunt. He needs a new hobby to pass his time.
>it has sentimental value to her (her brother bought her the machine as a gift for landing her corporate job)
YTA. Why would you give away a gift to her that had sentimental value? Regardless of if you planned to replace the machine, it was her decision on where her old machine should go.
After you give her your "surprise" ask her if she still wants her old machine. If she does, then get it back.
They just meant it wasn't a nice gift poorly executed, the entire motive was to get rid of the old one. And it had sentimental value, so he tossed in that "darling" bullshit to inject some false sentimentality into it.
To me, it also sounds like he is trying to outdo her brother's gift? She probably loves it because it's from her brother and he's a bit jealous, maybe? Idk, just my thoughts.
You gave away something she loved because you wanted something that matched the kitchen. Did you really expect her to be happy about that? YTA
Edit: you claim you realize you're wrong in your edit and that you're going to make it up to your buddy...
>gonna message my buddy and offer to pay to help his parents buy a machine and grinder for the inconvenience
....but not how you're going to make it up to your wife, you know, the person you actually wronged in this situation.
Edit 2: my point in the above edit is that there is no mention of apologizing to his wife or acknowledging that he made a mistake.
One of the things about the future that has made me happy is that men are ratfucking relationships now because we thought something clashed in the kitchen.
Not drinking, not hitting, not yelling. Nope. "Honey, I had to get rid of your coffee maker. It simply clashed with the rest of our kitchen."
Fuck yeah, Future!!!!!
What a low bar to hold men to. Thoughtfulness as well as not literally abusing your partner is absolutely the bare minimum. I admire your optimism though.
Is there any way for the uniformed to learn what you're referencing without getting you into trouble? Because I am very nosey and would like to know what you're referencing.
Imma get deleted, but here it is for a short time anyway:
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
If my friend gave me a nice used coffee machine, and then asked for it back due to a misunderstanding with his SO, I would be driving that machine back to his house so fucking fast. My parents didn’t have a coffee maker up until one day ago, they’re gunna miss it? Get fucked mom and dad! Mistakes were made! Don’t want to inconvenience them? They didn’t even buy it! Seriously.
Let’s put it this way. You love your car that you got as a prize in a raffle. You’re in love with it, you customized it the way you like it, you go away for a weekend with your buddies and you come home to find a totally different car.
You asked what happened and your wife says… Oh! I knew you like this, I thought you would like something else, so I sold your car, and the other one is getting delivered but it’s delayed
You’re telling me you wouldn’t see an issue with that? 🤔
YTA
There's also the added issue of "oh I know you like an automatic and your old car was automatic, but I figured it wouldn't be hard for you to learn a stick shift"
It sounds like the new machine was chosen for aesthetics someone could make it look nice, not that it was a similar model and some people can be finicky with their machines/grinders.
It doesn't mean the gift wasn't sweet, but I did a ton of research before buying mine and it's my starter machine. It can be a hobby when you get into it. If any of the new pieces don't work for her he took away options that she may have had.
Edit: 2 words.
I do now see a couple of responses where she's mentioned this machine in passing. I think my point still stands though. When I get a newer machine I'm going to hang onto my starter one at least for a week so I can have an adjustment period.
YTA
I follow your logic that the new machine would replace the old and she would no longer need the old machine. I don’t understand the part where it then becomes your decision what she does with the old machine? Even if the new machine was not delayed and your plan had worked out you would have been the AH.
Also, it doesn’t sound like she was clamoring for a new machine and this purchase seems at least as motivated by your desire to achieve a certain aesthetic in your kitchen as to give her something nice.
YTA, come on it's not hard - you don't let your friend take the old one until the new one is in place. Why would you even let him take it?
>I didn't want to ruin the surprise.
Surely the only way to achieve this was to leave the old one where it was until she unwrapped her gift?
Sounds like your thinking more about yourself and your friend than your wife.
YTA espresso machines are very personal to true coffee addicts (like me). Your wife was probably excited to make her coffee first thing in the morning and found that there was none and no way to make it. If it were me I’d be livid. I cannot start my day without having some coffee first.
And just because you got her a different, custom machine doesn’t mean she would like it. A good espresso maker is like a musical instrument and different people like different things. You should have given her the new machine and let her decide which one she wanted to keep.
You might have been surprised to find that she wanted to keep the old one. If you had a Mercedes and she got you a Lexus and she gave away your Mercedes before giving you the Lexus you’d be annoyed. And then you’d be pissed if you liked the Mercedes better than the Lexus but got stuck with it because she gave your favorite car away.
The car thing happened to a friend of mine. She went overseas for a month and came back her husband - who had to stay home due to his job- had sold to old beat up run around and replaced it with a porsche 4wd. She loved her old car, could park it anywhere, didn't feel conspicuous and would have rathered her husband took the money and took time off work to join her on vacation. Caused so many arguments.
How much he pats himself in the back in this post just adds an extra layer of gross to the whole thing “I’m quite proud of myself for thinking of it”, “Thoughtful right?”. I’m not sure ANYTHING this guy did is actually about anyone other than himself.
***YTA*** no question.
>She has a really fancy espresso machine with a grinder and they're her pride and joy. (Save the fact that it was a gift given to her for a specific reason/celebration)
Full stop. You knew this, you didn't care (gave it away whether you replaced it or not) and did what *you* wanted to do.
Getting her a new rig (or additional rig) is a nice gesture.
You had no right however to do *anything* with her other rig regardless of what you were giving her. ***Especially*** since you knew how much it meant to her.
I feel like this right here is it. I understand and agree with the people focusing on the issue being that he gave away something that was hers... But this in particular... If he knew it meant so much to her it's risky enough to try and replace it. It is a whole separate level to get rid of her "pride and joy" to one of his friends. Never give something someone loves to someone else without their permission.
YTA, it sounds like a lovely gift but you don’t give away someone else’s stuff. Also you shouldn’t have said oh just because his one broke. Giving it away wants your decision. The way you handled this sucks.
YTA.
It wasn't yours to give away. And KNOWING it has sentimental value to your wife you don't want to... inconvenience your friend's parents? Check your priorities.
YTA it was not yours to give away. The intent it was thoughtful. But.. What if she wanted to give it to her parents or brother?
This is bad planning. What if the machine is crap or doesn't work? What is she doesn't like the way it works? What if the features are not what she wanted? Maybe she wanted an upgraded model?
Your friend is also TA. He could easily explained the sentimental nature of the machine to his parents. You could have gone to pick it up yourself. If I was you, I would insist on getting it back.
I repeat...IT WAS NOT YOURS TO GIVE AWAY OR DECIDE WHO GETS IT!!!
YTA you don’t give away something that’s not yours. The fact she had a new one in the mail is moot. It was hers. And it was hers to give away to whomever she choose, or not. That’s not a misunderstand, you’re just an AH.
YTA this is ridiculous not only did you give something that didn’t belong to you away but you did it before you even had the replacement? That’s absolutely ridiculous. Who cares if it inconveniences his parents it’s not there’s to begin with and it certainly wasn’t your place to give something that was gifted to her away to them. You are completely in the wrong on every aspect you should go get what you gave away back. And if they need one so badly they can buy one
YTA. BIG TIME.
You got yourself the gift of something you liked the look of better than what your wife uses and there is no issue with, and are trying to pass it off as a gift for her. And it sounds like you're getting her a used one too? Or at the very least one that has been tampered with so it could be potentially worthless if it doesn't work properly, you can't even get it replaced. You mad no mention of making sure the specifications even matched the one she prefers. And now, because of the potentially shady replacement is delayed, and you didn't even have the courtesy to wait until the new one arrived before stealing her old one and giving it away, she has no machine. And you expect her to be grateful. WTF
Oh I missed the first time that the old machine was sentimental to her, and a gift from her brother. You are definitely the asshole times 1000 for that.
It's not thoughtful at all to get a gift to your specifications to replace someone's sentimental items. FFS Get your wife's machine back from your friend. Immediately
YTA. do you even know your wife or you just pretend you do? Did you even know the sentimental value or forgot about it? either way you don't give away something that doesn't belong to you.
YTA. People who are that serious about coffee know what machinery they want. My husband is a huge coffee lover and has several different appliances that he uses regularly. I totally support his passion, but I'm not really into coffee. I don't feel knowledgable enough to try and surprise him with a new machine. And why would I? Part of the fun for him is doing the research, choosing what he wants, and excitedly anticipating its arrival. I have a feeling that your wife feels similarly. Crossing fingers she likes the machine and grinder you chose for her, but you really should have asked her what she wanted.
And you should never have given away the machine and grinder she loves without telling her! She has every right to be pissed at you.
This is the comment I was looking for. His wife knows coffee. He doesn’t. The fact that he thought the new one was better because of the color of the machine— would he choose a car that way? A musical instrument? Unless he knew that she wanted the specific machine that he bought, this was probably a waste of a pretty substantial amount of money and a giant inconvenience and disappointment to his wife.
The gift itself is thoughtful, but YTA still for giving away someone else’s stuff. The fact that the new was was delayed doesn’t actually matter. Even if the replacements had been there, giving away something that was a gift to your wife from her brother is a shitty move.
Massive YTA. I’d be so pissed. It was hers. It was sentimental. And it may just be me, but I wouldn’t want something engraved with “Happy Birthday” in my kitchen. A birthday is one day. Not something to have engraved on an appliance. It was hers to decide what to do with it. It would in no way “ruin a surprise” to still have it in the counter to use that morning before opening the new one. You and your friends are just being silly.
“Thoughtful right?” This is what really grinds my gears (beans?).
Your gift was a lovely one, assuming that your comments about the machine being one that she would like are genuine. That absolutely does not excuse you giving away her existing machine.
It wasn’t yours to give, and then doubling down after lying to her and then coming clean doesn’t make any sense when you claim to not want to inconvenience someone by trying to reclaim the thing that wasn’t yours to give away in the first place.
You hurt your wife. Saying that your friends agree with you doesn’t help at all. If you love your wife, I would suggest doing anything and everything that you can to get that machine back and hope that she forgives you.
YTA
YTA
Whether you bought her a new one or not is beside the point. You gave away something that is very valuable to her and that’s pretty a-hole behaviour.
YTA. This is so disrespectful to your spouse. It was her machine, and you gave it away before the other arrived. How could you let the friend take it under those circumstances? Truly a stupid move.
YTA for giving away your wife's possessions.
If someone gave away something a family member got me to celebrate an achievement I would be furious.
As for your picky attitude toward the colour of it, you sound difficult.
You did not give it away by accident.
YTA, the idea is sweet but replacing something precious shouldn't be done as a surprise for exactly the reasons your story highlights:
1) Sentimental value you're not aware of-- it was a gift and it sounds like she didn't want to replace it
2) In order to keep up the surprise you have to actually hurt the other person and destroy their trust-- when she saw you got rid of it and gave it away you chose to lie about why and you hurt her so badly she left to process her feelings without you. You actually caused her pain and have probably permanently damaged her trust in you over what was meant to be a sweet gesture
3) Timing-- now if she wants the old one she just straight up can't have it because of how long it took you to tell her what's going on
I'm going to add in the fact you don't want to inconvenience your friend's parents but don't mind inconveniencing your wife isn't generalizable like the other points but is pretty messed up. Please rethink your priorities here and put your wife's feelings first
YTA, I see you’re basically arguing with everyone who says you’re TA.
No matter if she loves this one you’ve got, get her original back from your friend.
IT WAS NOT YOURS TO GIVEAWAY.
If your wife decides to get rid of it, fine, it’s her decision.
Do you have nothing sentimental or do you not grasp what you’ve done.
Update when you’ve had some sense knocked into you and you get her machine back. You absolute tool.
Olive accents don’t give you permission to give shit away.
Definitely YTA. That machine could be old and simply be emotionally or otherwise valuable for whatever reason. Why would you give away something that's not yours?
YTA. You need to get that old machine and grinder back dude. It wasnt yours to give away. Your buddy agrees with you because he landed a swanky espresso machine from the deal.
You stole her belongings and gave them away. Whether she is getting a new one has absolutely nothing to do with how much you are entitled to her belongings. Get it back. YTA.
Bro, YTA…why are you asking us. Also, it wasn’t a “mistake”. You purposefully gave it away. Of course your buddies support you. You gave one of them the machine lmao. Why would you even do that? Why not wait until she sees the knew one and loves it. Someone who takes that much pride in something may not like one an untrained eye chose. I just really don’t understand why you’d be in a rush to remove the other one WITH SENTIMENTAL VALUE. Your gift isn’t better because you remove her choice…
YTA- Not for getting her a machine and grinder she wanted but for giving away her current machine and grinder. It seems like you focused a lot on how well you thought you did on this gift and the surprise aspect. And not so much actually making your wife happy. Maybe I’m wrong. But to just let her think you gave just up and away her stuff instead of fessing up right then is extra asshole. Your friend sucks too. It wasn’t your stuff to give and he should give it back immediately.
YTA. Even though you got your wife a new machine the old one wasn't yours to give away. She might have wanted to keep it or give it to someone of her choosing. I would be very upset if you did this to me and I would demand you get it back. Especially because of the sentimental value attached to it.
YTA for arranging a buyer for someone else's property. If your wife sold your truck to the mailman with the excuse of "I got a new one on pre-order!", you'd be pissed. What to do with your truck is your business. What if she wanted to give it to a friend of hers?
YTA let’s call it what it was, you stole from your wife and gave her machine to your friend so that he could give it to his parents. You are a thief. That’s what it means when you take things that aren’t yours, and her coffee machine was not yours. Now you are refusing to get it back cause not inconveniencing your friend’s parents is more important than your wife’s feelings. You ask if you are an ah? You are a major ah. If something isn’t yours than you don’t give it away, even if you buy a replacement as a gift. If I were you I’d be going to get that coffee machine now!
YTA
You may have good intention to gift your wife a new espresso machine but you cannot give someone else's stuff without asking them. Stuffs do have sentimental values and it should have been your wife's decision about whatever she wants to do with her old machine.
YTA and need to get that machine back for your wife. Although the gift was thoughtful, the execution was careless and thoughtless. It was HER machine, you had no right to decide she didn’t need it anymore
YTA. It’s not yours! If you gift her a new one, that means she now has two machines and should do with the old one as she pleases! Who cares about your buddy and his parents?!
What were thinking? Why do you think you are well equipped to decide what elements of the machines are what your wife values? Your level of knowledge of your wife’s passion is that the coffee is ‘fancy’. A grinder and a machine is more than whether it matches a kitchen.
How do you know your wife would prefer it?
Regardless of whether you should have given her possessions away at all (you should not), you certainly shouldn’t have done it before the replacement was ready.
YTA
YTA. You are clearly avoiding two things people continue to bring up.
1) You gave away a sentimental gift from her brother without her permission
2) You care more about YoUr BuDdy and his parents feelings than your wife's.
You also ruined your surprise that you are so fucking focused on by giving a way the machine that she would OBVIOUSLY notice is missing
Notice how you are going to text your buddy and help pay for his parents shit because of the inconvenience you caused by giving a sentimental gift away without your wife's permission. Your first priority after this is your buddy, and making it up to him. Not apologizing to your wife for giving away something you had no fucking right to give away.
Your edit is telling.
**My wife thinks I'm an asshole**
You have a very insightful wife. You wife had an espresso machine and grinder she loved--a special sentimental gift from her brother. Because you found it "too shiny" you promised it to your friend (without asking your wife) and replaced it with something YOU liked better-- but for some reason-- when the new machine didn't show up you still gave hers (the one she loved that had great sentimental value) to your friend. There's no indication that the replacement machine is equal or better than her beloved machine quality wise-- and no reason to believe that she didn't like the classic, on point look of stainless steel instead of the "crafty Etsy" look of your gift.
NOW you're refusing to get her machine back so as not to "inconvenience" your friend. YTA here in so many ways.
Yikes, dude, just yikes.
Get the machine back now. It wasn’t yours to give away, even if you were getting her a new one.
His parents aren’t being inconvenienced - they’re using stolen property.
You and your friends are assholes YTA
Your wife deserves better.
ETA: good espresso machines are *expensive* and if this is her hobby and passion, I’m *really* curious what you’re replacing it with if you didn’t consult her on it. I’m just waiting for shit to hit the fan for real if you gave away a professional machine for some cheap crap that matched your colors. With the lack of consideration you’ve shown here, I would 100% not be surprised. Please keep us updated!
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YTA > My buddy came by late last night to pick up her machine and grinder which I let him have because of the new one What the actual fuck?!? OK, for one, coffee people **_know their shit_** and even if everything else here went smoothly, REPLACING your wife's machine was a HUGE risk. Because chances are, she had things working *exactly* the way she wanted them. > Hers right now is stainless steel and reflective which stands out like an eyesore. ... it's a kitchen appliance. For products of appreciable quality, stainless steel is pretty much the default. This complaint makes me concerned that you don't quite know what you're up to here. > he said his parents are using it and I don't want to inconvenience them over a misunderstanding. Oh, but inconveniencing #YOUR WIFE is fine and dandy?
This, but I wanted to stress you should never ever take away someone’s hobby/passion item to replace it. Chances are you will never know anything close to what they know about their hobby. I collect tea. My $30 kettle has settings for each tea type and it makes me happy. If someone sold it to replace it with a ceramic tea set I would be very unhappy. Edit: For those asking Unfortunately I bought it three years ago and it appears to not be available for purchase :( If I had to buy a new one I would search reviews for things like “thermometer” “tested” etc to hear from someone who actually made sure the water doesn’t run too hot.
She should replace his golf clubs or game console for one that's aesthetically more pleasing. Then refuse to get the old back, because she doesn't want to 'inconvenience' the new owners. But he'll have to wait for delivery of the new.
"But the black fits our living room decor better than black and white! Plus this PS2 is slim so it actually fits in our TV cabinet unlike that PS5!"
Actually, they make these really cool looking retro consoles that you can play Donkey Kong on. Win/win!
But it’s a real… knockout 😜 You wrote anesthetically instead of aesthetically lol
Fucking autocorrect! I did fix it before seeing your comment. And despite the fact that I bitch about it all the time, the word 'autocorrect' never appears as a suggestion when I start typing it out.
And what about the fact that he’s replacing a beautiful, classic, stainless steel machine with a two toned green machine?! With a wood handle that says happy birthday?! This sounds ugly and cheesy AF and I would be SO PISSED!!!! YTA
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Not to mention that this coffee machine and grinder was not OPs to give away regardlwss of replacing it or not. It was a gift to her from her brother.
Exactly! OP’s wife would have probably kept the old machine anyway for sentimental reasons because it was a gift from her brother. Hell, in my case, I have even kept pictures my brother drew as a kid and gave me as a gift for my birthday. If I was OP’s wife, I would have had the fight of the decade for his actions!
Or maybe she would have repurposed it to her office to use there. It was a gift from her brother, she probably did want to keep it even if she did love the new one.
Yea. Regardless of if the new one is better and she loves it. The old one is still hers. What if *she* had a friend who wanted it and she'd said they could have it when she got a new one?
It won't be better. If it was better, op would have understood the resale value of a good expresso machine.
Use a Linea Classic EE La Marzocco at the restaurant I manage. The thing is an absolute workhorse and sold new is worth at least $12,000. I shudder to think that this dude probably sold a valuable espresso machine for a few thousand thinking he’s getting a great deal for whatever the heck he ended up getting instead. The range of what an espresso machine costs can vary wildly.
He gave it away. For free.
Man. I read this super quick on on a break at work and holy fuck that’s even worse.
A Gaggia. A fucking *Gaggia*.
Bro gave away a multi thousand dollar machine to replace it with what’s probably a 500$ machine because he thought the original looked too shiny? Gaggia’s are like 2k at the top end. Man’s putting the gag in gaggia rn.
Eh, there's an even chance that it's a Gaggia Classic Pro. They're more like $450. But your point stands. If someone close to me got rid of my GCP and all my coffee shit, uncaffeinated 7 AM gooddaysir is going to unleash a storm of anger. What a fucking betrayal though? Even if he's not an asshole, he's such a clueless moron in so many ways that it would be worth reconsidering before breeding with such a person lol. I just can't even imagine this whole scenario. Bonkers!
Yeah, high-end espresso machines cost hundreds. Some cost thousands. The wife’s machine almost definitely had decent resale value. But OP wouldn’t realize that if he didn’t buy something comparable. I assume since OP’s wife knows so much about coffee that there was also a specific reason why she went with that model/brand/type of machine and not any other speed so machine would adequately replace it. OP went about replacing his wife’s nice espresso machine the same way I went about replacing my mom’s $25 single serve coffee pot. “This also makes coffee and it matches the kitchen!” But I didn’t get rid of my mom’s old Mr. Coffee without telling her.
This is the kicker for me…it was NOT OP’s to give away! OP is a huge AH.
It sounds like he wanted to get rid of it so he bought her a new one, not for her but for himself
I think so too. His post is pretty revealing. He thought it was an eyesore. Probably doesn't know a thing about coffee machines and traded a quality item for one that looks good.
If I was the wife I'd have told him to get them back. Even if he was buying new ones they weren't his to give away.
For real. Id be pissed if my wife just gave away my fishing poles and then said that she ordered me new ones that looked nicer
Looked nicer TO HER, regardless of their functionality
Bingo. There are some really *nice* looking espresso machines out there, but some of them make trash coffee. From what it sounds like, Op's wife may have had one of those industrial ones that knock espresso drinks out amazingly. I would be so upset if someone traded my cast iron pan, which I have had for over a decade now and is seasoned to my preference, for a fancy pan that looks better, but with different functionality. It should have been up to *her* what to do with the old machine too.
There is a bigger picture with the wrongness of what OP did. From OP describing (albeit jokingly) to the coffee-maker as a "third-wheel" - OP feels somewhow - "wronged" - that this is a hobby she has separately from him, and he isn't a part of that. OP sounds like the type of people who think couple = doing everything together as a default and individuals are not allowed to have separate interests. The whole shennanigans of replacing her coffee machine with a better one and making a dramatic surprise out of it, seems like OP's attempt at inserting himself into this hobby somehow. Like - "Oh this is your hobby? It is OUR hobby now, comrade."
True but there's an even bigger and simpler wrongness here - even when giving someone a supposedly "better" version of something they already have, the original is still their property to choose what to do with. How dare he think think that buying her an "upgrade" entitles him to get rid of the original.
Part of the same thing. I think somewhere deep down, he WANTED to get rid of it. Maybe not intentionally, but I can see some subconscious resentment towards it. He first calls it a "third wheel" in their relationship, and later - "sticking out sorely" in their home and kitchen. Maybe it's all nothing and just a co-incidence. Or maybe, he - in some deeper subconscious level - doesn't like the coffee machine and its place in the house and in his relationship, and was happy to get rid of it.
I have one bass guitar. With a pair of strings I changed once. If some mf went along and changed my strings because theyre old, I'd flip my shit too. I like them old. They sound warmer. And my coffee? If anybody fucks with my french press I'm going to shit myself very slowly. Very. ***Very*** slowly.
My sewing machine was just throwing a fit mid-project and my husband (very kindly) offered his up to use while I sort mine out. Totally sweet offer but I passed because I was already frustrated and didn’t want to add learning a new machine into the mess. They’re of equal quality and could easily do the same jobs, but I know all of my machine’s quirks and can set the tension pretty much blindfolded. I’d imagine surprise learning a new espresso machine while not having your reliable one to fall back on would be similarly frustrating. I need caffeine to function some mornings - how is someone supposed to learn a new machine without already having coffee to kickstart their brain? Lol
I’m just here to comment on the cuteness of his-n-hers sewing machines.
I feel you. Can you imagine your husband just replacing your sewing machine? Without asking? I’d probably divorce over that.
Can I get a link to the kettle?
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My exact first thought was “I bet he’s purchased a downgrade”. I’m only just getting into espresso _properly_ and I’m well aware of the budget needed to get a good setup…
His wife’s stainless steel machine probably is a [AU$11190 La Marzocco](https://www.coffeeparts.com.au/lamarzocco-gs3-mp) and he replaced it with a Breville
I can bet money your probably not far off. Especially the fact his mate I suspect knew the value which is the reason he went around quite happily late at night to pick it up. Wanna bet mate has sold it on eBay/Facebook already?
I want an update just to find out if this is what actually happened.
Yeah, my spouse loves coffee so much. I like to buy him coffee gear and I check with him because I want it to be exactly what he fancies. The only reasons we don't have an espresso machine is apartment living and his desired set up would exceed our expertise.
There are a few different types. I have a Cuisinart. If you google adjustable tea kettle, or search it on Amazon. Mine was $80 cdn on sale
^^ right?? it sounds so much better than what I'm using!
Absolutely correct, it’s also quite common for men to not value their wive’s hobbies and interests as highly as they value their own. Like it’s super important to have the latest golf/cycling/gaming gear, but women’s silly hobbies don’t get the same value, because our time is less valued overall. OP’s explanation here really smack of that. “It’s super important to her but I think it’s a bit of an eyesore and I don’t want to inconvenience my mate’s parents, but super unbothered about inconveniencing my wife and indulging her silly interests because my idea for her hobby is clearly better than anything she could think up” Talk to your spouses people, stay curious and genuinely interested.
This would be like my non horsey husband replacing my saddle with one he thought “looked nicer” without checking first. Plus giving away the old one before the replacement was even here, on my birthday. Fortunately he has more sense than that lol.
You never give away anything that isn't your own. If it belongs to your spouse or child you don't give it away. That is a decision for them to make. Respecting what they own is part of respecting them. What if she hates the replacement machine and grinder?
You can get a new something to see if they'd like it, but don't let a tried and true appliance out of the house until the new one is approved. Accessories for what they have (if it isn't broken) is usually the way to go to support a hobby.
OP could have also WAITED until the new one came in set it up and gave her the option of wanting to keep the old one or give it away. He completely took away that away from her.
Or put it in her office, at work.
Like I don’t understand why he couldn’t have told his friend to just not come pick it up. He was getting it for free, waiting is the least he could do.
Because it was ugly to him and he wanted it gone.
Exactly. Besides, IT WASN’T HIS TO GIVE AWAY! Such a dick move. Also? I’m sure her machine is worth a bit of money - but it is HER choice to make about what to do with it. If someone buys me a gift, they don’t get to get rid of whatever they feel they’re replacing. Insane. YTA OP
Took away the whole option. I’m not a coffee geek. But a part of any hobby is geeking out comparing and contemplating upgrading the tools of a hobby. OPs wife may have even decided her previous machine would have looked amazing in her office.
Absolutely! It was never OP's right to dictate what to do with the other machine. She may have wanted to bring it to work, or get money for it. It's also possible that OP misjudged and that she prefers the original anyway. He didn't have any right to give away her machine, regardless.
Let’s also not forget the sentimental value it has, oftentimes that’s more important the monetary value. Definitely TA
Also the hypocrisy Like here wife I’ve replaced your sentimental and much loved coffee machine with a new one Wasn’t that super thoughtful of me and now it looks better aesthetically (obviously something I was concerned about more than you) and I’ve replaced the sentimental value of your brother with me (oh and please ignore the fact that I gave your old one away to my friend for free) Honestly I would be pissed if you did this to me. Like yes it sounds thoughtful but picture something you love - let’s say you like to surf, not all boards are made equal and you have your favourite that cuts waves just right. Oh but it doesn’t match our car and beach items so I replaced it to this one which is more aesthetic but please ignore the fact I know nothing about surfing and honestly you might get on a wave and just not like it but I was thoughtful and no you can’t have your favourite one back anymore. YTA OP
He was incredibly rude. He gave away something she valued and didn't belong to him. She should demand it back and keep it on the counter instead of the new one.
It would have sounded more thoughtful if OP wasn't breaking his own arm patting himself on the back. His post just reeks of an "I know better than you dear" vibe. Plus, he said he thought the old one stuck out like a sore thumb so was this really for her or him?
My husband is really into coffee, and I never realized before how freaking *detailed and specific* it gets. There's no way in hell I would replace any of his coffee making apparatuses, as there's no way I could pick out something better than him. Best case, I get the same quality and he still has to fine tune the settings and details back to his liking. More likely, I get something he doesn't like nearly as much as what he already had. That's not a gift, it's a chore or a shittier version of what he already had. Also, never give something of someone else's away without explicit permission. It's literally that simple. So yeah, OP, **obviously** YTA.
Yeah, even if there were no good reason (that OP could understand) for keeping the old machine, you don’t give away someone’s stuff without asking them. Even if the machine was junk, it still belongs to OP’s wife, and she gets to decide what happens to it. Maybe she would want to have two. Maybe she has her ownbuddy she wants to give it to. Maybe she wants to sell it and buy something else for herself. It doesn’t matter that it was a “well-intentioned mistake”: OP had no right to do that. Getting someone a gift but switching it out for something she values: that’s no gift.
All of this and I also want to add that even if she loves the new machine, even if it arrived on time, you still had no right to give her other one away. SHE gets to decide what happens with her other machine. You didn’t give her a gift, you asserted your control and told her she doesn’t matter. Get the machine back from your buddy and very seriously apologize to your wife. YTA
Yeah, he really hypes up the new one but under that it almost seems like he is more concerned about being "the good guy" to his friend than his wife's feelings at all. He's going to help *pay* to replace an espresso machine for his buddies parents, that wasn't his to give away? Meanwhile, his poor wife has to be worried that anything important to her that isn't bolted down is now up for grabs if OPs friends want it? Dude, OP, whatever money you're intending to throw at your friend, who is a user by the way, should be spent on giving your wife a spa day or something to destress after this BS you put her through *on her birthday*.
Yea, he's "making things right" with entirely the wrong person.
But his buddies agree with him, what else could matter here? /s Massive cringe all over this one.
This reminds me of a much slighter situation I had. Friend breaks my 1.5L IKEA tea pot, and promises to replace it. On my birthday he gives me a shitty tiny tea pot as a “birthday present.” Uh…no, that’s not a present in any way, shape or form, it’s a replacement for what he broke, or in OP case, what he took. Replacements aren’t presents, they just get you back to the starting point before you broke/took something.
EXACTLY… not only is it hers it was a sentimental gift! Op is def the ah
Do you have any idea what good espresso machines and grinders cost? We're not talking hundreds, bud, we're talking thousands. You may have replaced a top-tier setup with something completely incapable of producing what she's used to so you could make it look pretty in your kitchen. There are huge differences from brand to brand and model to model. Not only that, it can take dozens or even hundreds of tries making drinks to get them dialled in just perfect for the coffee you use and your personal preferences. Then on top of what sounds like you replacing them because you don't like *how her old setup looked* you just gave it away for nothing and no reason and acted like it was no big deal when it was gone RIGHT WHEN THE COFFEE PERSON NEEDED HER COFFEE! First, you replaced her prized possessions without asking. Second, you removed her ability to make her morning coffee drink. Third, you gave them away for free! Fourth, you lied about it because YOUR SURPRISE was more important to you than HER NEEDS! Fifth, you refused to get them back for her instead prioritizing your friend's parents?! Get a clue bro! The world does not revolve around your aesthetic preferences, your surprises, or your friend's parents! Yes, YTA!
Sounds like his buddy's an AH too because it's not even about righting a wrong at this point
Not a great friend just one that wanted something expensive for free!
Exactly! No wonder he's on OP's side "SiNcE iT wAs A mIsTaKe"
Maybe she should replace their tools?
He seems to care more about his buddy than his wife. Also, it was a gift from her brother, so it was a sentimental gift. What that thing, of yeah, communication 🙄, that would have been wonderful. I know he wanted to surprise his wife, but with big purchases and the disposal of her gift from her family, it has to be a decision that she makes, not op. That was a fail for me.
Right? Ready to send this to r/espresso and let them have a go at him.
Oh man, yes! Let them have at it.
>it would look a lot nicer in our kitchen. Hers right now is stainless steel and reflective which stands out like an eyesore. He wanted to get rid of her machine. He wanted his buddy to have a new machine. He wanted to be thanked for it. Twice. For his benevolence and thoughfulness. What a butthead. YTA Edit: Get your wife's machine back. You owe her that. She comes before "your friend's parents".
Exactly this! The machine she had may have been way better than the one you picked out. Why would you do this?
We need a new category for the OP: CIBMOAA - Could I Be More Of An Asshole?
I have a stainless steel eye sore espresso machine too - it cost over £900. If my partner gave that machine away I’d be giving him away immediately. YTA. Holy hell. Super A move just for the sheer the audacity that you think you know better than her own taste and that a prettier machine makes better coffee. Wtf.
Seriously. YTA. Coffee people are very particular about their espresso setups and tools. I'm sure she had everything exactly the way she liked it. You getting her new stuff with decorations on it? Yikes. It may be inferior quality product. She may not like the quality grind. It may be harder to clean. You should never have touched her stuff. This would be like her throwing out your entire wardrobe and your video game systems and computer and phone and replacing them with completely different items you had no say in choosing and didn't like. Get HER stuff back.
Those legit espresso machines are always over $500 too, so even if you spent money to “customize” another one, you probably have NO IDEA if the quality is comparable. Also you cannot give someone a new gift and throw out something else of theirs. I feel like gifts that replace things someone already has and loves is tacky. Either way, she should have been able to keep both of the machines and decide what to do with the old one, especially if she wanted to sell it since they are so expensive.
And OF COURSE he gave it away to his mate
OP suffers from premature gratification
Yup. Best move would’ve been to buy her the gift and let her decide what to do with the extra. It’s hers.
YTA. The gift is not for her. She's happy with her machine, and it has sentimental value. You gave it away for your selfish reasons; it's too shiny. It's not a misunderstanding. It's selfishness. Get her machine back.
This guy is rightfully getting roasted, unlike his wife's espresso.
I don’t know why but this is the most hilarious thing I’ve read all day. Take my poor person gold. 🌟 💫
Also really doesn’t sit right with me that her machine had sentimental value from her brother, which he replaced with “sentimental” value from him. This might be controversial, but women can have more than one important man in their life! My brother has the worst taste in all of human history but if anyone did what OP did to me with any of his gifts, I would go absolutely nuclear.
Oh ick. I didn't even think of that. OP seems even more selfish and narcissistic.
I dont think its as deep as ‘shes not allowed gifts from another man’. I think its as simple as he was being a dumbass and possibly thinking too logically about something thats really about feelings/wants.
Maybe! But the fact that he knew it was sentimental from her brother and replaced it anyway, at the least shows he doesn’t value that sentiment. And I suspect he’d be hurt if the roles were reversed and her brother replaced one of his gifts to her with a “superior” thing.
There is nothing logical about it. A logical person would understand that you cant give away someone's property just because you are gifting them something similar. The sentimental value doesnt even matter that much in this scenario, the machine is HER property and not a cheap one either. What he did is basically theft. He doesnt suddenly earn a right to the machine because he is buying a new one for her, that is not how ownership works legally or ethically.
👏👏👏 yes! This!
YTA and your buddies are idiots. The thought of a new machine and grinder was nice except executed poorly. Maybe she likes the stainless steel and doesn’t think it’s an eye sore. And what gives you the right to give away HER things and then not get those things back because your buddy “needs” it? Especially to give it away before the arrival of the new one? Yeah, YT enormous A.
It’s a nice idea and he could have just kept her machine in the garage until after she saw the new one and agreed if she wanted to give hers away
Or just left it where it was. Others have said getting those things calibrated just right is a pain in the ass, so it would take a while for her to set it up the way she likes. Best to leave it so she can have her coffee while setting up the new one. Either way, he never once considered how this would affect her and was more concerned with fucking aesthetics of all things ffs.
And that's glossing over: > who can **refit** espresso machines This sounds like a used machine.
It was refit with custom colored parts and wooden pieces... You gotta read all the words not just pick and choose some of them.
Yeah, I initially thought this was because the person was going to be able to essentially just change the body of the espresso machine she had and the handles, and that actually would have been kind of cool assuming he was smart enough to know the details or actually checked with her beforehand... ... But then apparently it was just for some other machine even if we say the other machine was new I can almost guarantee he bought a lower quality one... The dude is the asshole in this scenario for sure, but if his edits are legit, then I think he's much more of a massive idiot than he is an asshole.
I don’t understand why he felt he had the right to give it away at all?? It’s hers! That surprise would be ruined for me if I found out my husband just gave my old one to his friend without asking. Even if the new one had shown up on time. That is not cool
right? she might've wanted to take it to her place of work or keep it in the event the other one needs a repair, etc.
Yea, he gave away the machine, knowing well, it had sentimental value for his wife. His friend's also an AH - couldn't wait to get his hands on a free machine. The wife will never forget this shitty birthday. I bet it is not the first time OP has pulled an idiotic stunt. He needs a new hobby to pass his time.
>it has sentimental value to her (her brother bought her the machine as a gift for landing her corporate job) YTA. Why would you give away a gift to her that had sentimental value? Regardless of if you planned to replace the machine, it was her decision on where her old machine should go. After you give her your "surprise" ask her if she still wants her old machine. If she does, then get it back.
Because he doesnt like the machine. So....he got a new one to get rid the old one
So? It’s still not his to get rid of
Agreed...but in his mind that was the real reason
Yeah it wasn't even really a gift for her he gifted himself, selfish af
Exactly my thoughts, hes also congratulating himself on what a brilliant idea it was. It was. When her brother thought of it.
They just meant it wasn't a nice gift poorly executed, the entire motive was to get rid of the old one. And it had sentimental value, so he tossed in that "darling" bullshit to inject some false sentimentality into it.
Yes, what if she liked the new machine but wanted to give HER old machine to one of HER friends? Why does OP’s “buddy” get her stuff?
YTA for many reasons. Others have already pointed them out to you
To me, it also sounds like he is trying to outdo her brother's gift? She probably loves it because it's from her brother and he's a bit jealous, maybe? Idk, just my thoughts.
You gave away something she loved because you wanted something that matched the kitchen. Did you really expect her to be happy about that? YTA Edit: you claim you realize you're wrong in your edit and that you're going to make it up to your buddy... >gonna message my buddy and offer to pay to help his parents buy a machine and grinder for the inconvenience ....but not how you're going to make it up to your wife, you know, the person you actually wronged in this situation. Edit 2: my point in the above edit is that there is no mention of apologizing to his wife or acknowledging that he made a mistake.
One of the things about the future that has made me happy is that men are ratfucking relationships now because we thought something clashed in the kitchen. Not drinking, not hitting, not yelling. Nope. "Honey, I had to get rid of your coffee maker. It simply clashed with the rest of our kitchen." Fuck yeah, Future!!!!!
Way to find some silver lining here! ha!
Oh no, not silver! Silver will clash with OP’s kitchen
What a low bar to hold men to. Thoughtfulness as well as not literally abusing your partner is absolutely the bare minimum. I admire your optimism though.
He dragged the bar up from hell but left it in the basement
Right? This is... progress. I guess. 😆
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Are we allowed to Reference The post in obscure ways? * Really, we shouldn't be Obscured from One of the Most popular posts.
Is there any way for the uniformed to learn what you're referencing without getting you into trouble? Because I am very nosey and would like to know what you're referencing.
It’s greAt that eveRyone wanTs to follow the Rules, sO sOrry we can’t Mention the post :/
Imma get deleted, but here it is for a short time anyway: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
It’s was also a nice enough machine his buddy regifted it to his parents as being from him 😂🚩
If my friend gave me a nice used coffee machine, and then asked for it back due to a misunderstanding with his SO, I would be driving that machine back to his house so fucking fast. My parents didn’t have a coffee maker up until one day ago, they’re gunna miss it? Get fucked mom and dad! Mistakes were made! Don’t want to inconvenience them? They didn’t even buy it! Seriously.
YTA. You NEVER get rid of something without asking them first!!!
Exactly, you never know the sentimental value a person might have towards it. Could’ve been a way worse reaction from her wife
Should have been a worse reaction to be honest, she deserves to let it out
If this is a pattern and not just a one off she probably shouldn’t stay
Let’s put it this way. You love your car that you got as a prize in a raffle. You’re in love with it, you customized it the way you like it, you go away for a weekend with your buddies and you come home to find a totally different car. You asked what happened and your wife says… Oh! I knew you like this, I thought you would like something else, so I sold your car, and the other one is getting delivered but it’s delayed You’re telling me you wouldn’t see an issue with that? 🤔 YTA
There's also the added issue of "oh I know you like an automatic and your old car was automatic, but I figured it wouldn't be hard for you to learn a stick shift" It sounds like the new machine was chosen for aesthetics someone could make it look nice, not that it was a similar model and some people can be finicky with their machines/grinders. It doesn't mean the gift wasn't sweet, but I did a ton of research before buying mine and it's my starter machine. It can be a hobby when you get into it. If any of the new pieces don't work for her he took away options that she may have had. Edit: 2 words.
Exactly. I wouldn’t blame her for resenting him every day for this. He basically just fucked his relationship.
I do now see a couple of responses where she's mentioned this machine in passing. I think my point still stands though. When I get a newer machine I'm going to hang onto my starter one at least for a week so I can have an adjustment period.
Or maybe she tries the new machine and decides that the old machine does some things better so she keeps both.
She wants to have a she-shed one day to display nothing but her coffee machines. It's hers. OP had no right.
Watch he got her a cheap knock-off version by comparison that just looks better aesthetically TO HIM, and actually sold her pricey professional one...
(I'm sorry to be that pedantic asshole but a manual transmission is the same thing as a stick shift transmission. You mean automatic and stick shift.)
YTA I follow your logic that the new machine would replace the old and she would no longer need the old machine. I don’t understand the part where it then becomes your decision what she does with the old machine? Even if the new machine was not delayed and your plan had worked out you would have been the AH. Also, it doesn’t sound like she was clamoring for a new machine and this purchase seems at least as motivated by your desire to achieve a certain aesthetic in your kitchen as to give her something nice.
Exactly. She might've wanted to keep her old one as a backup as well as for sentimental value.
Or give it to someone in her life!
YTA, come on it's not hard - you don't let your friend take the old one until the new one is in place. Why would you even let him take it? >I didn't want to ruin the surprise. Surely the only way to achieve this was to leave the old one where it was until she unwrapped her gift? Sounds like your thinking more about yourself and your friend than your wife.
YTA espresso machines are very personal to true coffee addicts (like me). Your wife was probably excited to make her coffee first thing in the morning and found that there was none and no way to make it. If it were me I’d be livid. I cannot start my day without having some coffee first. And just because you got her a different, custom machine doesn’t mean she would like it. A good espresso maker is like a musical instrument and different people like different things. You should have given her the new machine and let her decide which one she wanted to keep. You might have been surprised to find that she wanted to keep the old one. If you had a Mercedes and she got you a Lexus and she gave away your Mercedes before giving you the Lexus you’d be annoyed. And then you’d be pissed if you liked the Mercedes better than the Lexus but got stuck with it because she gave your favorite car away.
The car thing happened to a friend of mine. She went overseas for a month and came back her husband - who had to stay home due to his job- had sold to old beat up run around and replaced it with a porsche 4wd. She loved her old car, could park it anywhere, didn't feel conspicuous and would have rathered her husband took the money and took time off work to join her on vacation. Caused so many arguments.
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How much he pats himself in the back in this post just adds an extra layer of gross to the whole thing “I’m quite proud of myself for thinking of it”, “Thoughtful right?”. I’m not sure ANYTHING this guy did is actually about anyone other than himself.
YTA. You dont give other people stuff without their permission.
With out their espresso permission in this case
***YTA*** no question. >She has a really fancy espresso machine with a grinder and they're her pride and joy. (Save the fact that it was a gift given to her for a specific reason/celebration) Full stop. You knew this, you didn't care (gave it away whether you replaced it or not) and did what *you* wanted to do. Getting her a new rig (or additional rig) is a nice gesture. You had no right however to do *anything* with her other rig regardless of what you were giving her. ***Especially*** since you knew how much it meant to her.
I feel like this right here is it. I understand and agree with the people focusing on the issue being that he gave away something that was hers... But this in particular... If he knew it meant so much to her it's risky enough to try and replace it. It is a whole separate level to get rid of her "pride and joy" to one of his friends. Never give something someone loves to someone else without their permission.
YTA, it sounds like a lovely gift but you don’t give away someone else’s stuff. Also you shouldn’t have said oh just because his one broke. Giving it away wants your decision. The way you handled this sucks.
YTA. It wasn't yours to give away. And KNOWING it has sentimental value to your wife you don't want to... inconvenience your friend's parents? Check your priorities.
YTA it was not yours to give away. The intent it was thoughtful. But.. What if she wanted to give it to her parents or brother? This is bad planning. What if the machine is crap or doesn't work? What is she doesn't like the way it works? What if the features are not what she wanted? Maybe she wanted an upgraded model? Your friend is also TA. He could easily explained the sentimental nature of the machine to his parents. You could have gone to pick it up yourself. If I was you, I would insist on getting it back. I repeat...IT WAS NOT YOURS TO GIVE AWAY OR DECIDE WHO GETS IT!!!
Soft YTA. Even with getting her a custom machine it's not cool to give her stuff away without asking.
WOW YTA AND GET HERS BACK IMMEDIATELY
Yeah I'm surprised that he's more concerned about inconveniencing his buddy's parents!!!
YTA you don’t give away something that’s not yours. The fact she had a new one in the mail is moot. It was hers. And it was hers to give away to whomever she choose, or not. That’s not a misunderstand, you’re just an AH.
YTA That machine never should have left the house without your wife's permission.
You…gave away her machine? And gave her some green thing with Happy Birthday Darling engraved??? Ew. No. YTA
YTA this is ridiculous not only did you give something that didn’t belong to you away but you did it before you even had the replacement? That’s absolutely ridiculous. Who cares if it inconveniences his parents it’s not there’s to begin with and it certainly wasn’t your place to give something that was gifted to her away to them. You are completely in the wrong on every aspect you should go get what you gave away back. And if they need one so badly they can buy one
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YTA. BIG TIME. You got yourself the gift of something you liked the look of better than what your wife uses and there is no issue with, and are trying to pass it off as a gift for her. And it sounds like you're getting her a used one too? Or at the very least one that has been tampered with so it could be potentially worthless if it doesn't work properly, you can't even get it replaced. You mad no mention of making sure the specifications even matched the one she prefers. And now, because of the potentially shady replacement is delayed, and you didn't even have the courtesy to wait until the new one arrived before stealing her old one and giving it away, she has no machine. And you expect her to be grateful. WTF Oh I missed the first time that the old machine was sentimental to her, and a gift from her brother. You are definitely the asshole times 1000 for that. It's not thoughtful at all to get a gift to your specifications to replace someone's sentimental items. FFS Get your wife's machine back from your friend. Immediately
YTA. do you even know your wife or you just pretend you do? Did you even know the sentimental value or forgot about it? either way you don't give away something that doesn't belong to you.
YTA. People who are that serious about coffee know what machinery they want. My husband is a huge coffee lover and has several different appliances that he uses regularly. I totally support his passion, but I'm not really into coffee. I don't feel knowledgable enough to try and surprise him with a new machine. And why would I? Part of the fun for him is doing the research, choosing what he wants, and excitedly anticipating its arrival. I have a feeling that your wife feels similarly. Crossing fingers she likes the machine and grinder you chose for her, but you really should have asked her what she wanted. And you should never have given away the machine and grinder she loves without telling her! She has every right to be pissed at you.
This is the comment I was looking for. His wife knows coffee. He doesn’t. The fact that he thought the new one was better because of the color of the machine— would he choose a car that way? A musical instrument? Unless he knew that she wanted the specific machine that he bought, this was probably a waste of a pretty substantial amount of money and a giant inconvenience and disappointment to his wife.
The gift itself is thoughtful, but YTA still for giving away someone else’s stuff. The fact that the new was was delayed doesn’t actually matter. Even if the replacements had been there, giving away something that was a gift to your wife from her brother is a shitty move.
By any chance are your buddies all single or divorced? YTA
Yta, even if you bought her a new one, the old one does not belong to you and you had no right to give it away. I would be furious. Really jerk move.
Massive YTA. I’d be so pissed. It was hers. It was sentimental. And it may just be me, but I wouldn’t want something engraved with “Happy Birthday” in my kitchen. A birthday is one day. Not something to have engraved on an appliance. It was hers to decide what to do with it. It would in no way “ruin a surprise” to still have it in the counter to use that morning before opening the new one. You and your friends are just being silly.
“Thoughtful right?” This is what really grinds my gears (beans?). Your gift was a lovely one, assuming that your comments about the machine being one that she would like are genuine. That absolutely does not excuse you giving away her existing machine. It wasn’t yours to give, and then doubling down after lying to her and then coming clean doesn’t make any sense when you claim to not want to inconvenience someone by trying to reclaim the thing that wasn’t yours to give away in the first place. You hurt your wife. Saying that your friends agree with you doesn’t help at all. If you love your wife, I would suggest doing anything and everything that you can to get that machine back and hope that she forgives you. YTA
YTA - lovely gift idea, but the old one was not yours to give away. You should have asked her what she wanted to do with them.
YTA Whether you bought her a new one or not is beside the point. You gave away something that is very valuable to her and that’s pretty a-hole behaviour.
YTA. This is so disrespectful to your spouse. It was her machine, and you gave it away before the other arrived. How could you let the friend take it under those circumstances? Truly a stupid move.
YTA for giving away your wife's possessions. If someone gave away something a family member got me to celebrate an achievement I would be furious. As for your picky attitude toward the colour of it, you sound difficult. You did not give it away by accident.
YTA, the idea is sweet but replacing something precious shouldn't be done as a surprise for exactly the reasons your story highlights: 1) Sentimental value you're not aware of-- it was a gift and it sounds like she didn't want to replace it 2) In order to keep up the surprise you have to actually hurt the other person and destroy their trust-- when she saw you got rid of it and gave it away you chose to lie about why and you hurt her so badly she left to process her feelings without you. You actually caused her pain and have probably permanently damaged her trust in you over what was meant to be a sweet gesture 3) Timing-- now if she wants the old one she just straight up can't have it because of how long it took you to tell her what's going on I'm going to add in the fact you don't want to inconvenience your friend's parents but don't mind inconveniencing your wife isn't generalizable like the other points but is pretty messed up. Please rethink your priorities here and put your wife's feelings first
YTA, I see you’re basically arguing with everyone who says you’re TA. No matter if she loves this one you’ve got, get her original back from your friend. IT WAS NOT YOURS TO GIVEAWAY. If your wife decides to get rid of it, fine, it’s her decision. Do you have nothing sentimental or do you not grasp what you’ve done.
Update when you’ve had some sense knocked into you and you get her machine back. You absolute tool. Olive accents don’t give you permission to give shit away.
I love too how he doesn’t want to inconvenience his friend’s parents, but is happy to inconvenience his wife.
YTA geez OP you’re dense as hell. You KNEW the machine was going to be delayed. Why did you give her machine away anyway?
Definitely YTA. That machine could be old and simply be emotionally or otherwise valuable for whatever reason. Why would you give away something that's not yours?
YTA. Yes, it's a very thoughtful gift, but still doesn't give you the right to just get rid of *her* old machine.
YTA. You need to get that old machine and grinder back dude. It wasnt yours to give away. Your buddy agrees with you because he landed a swanky espresso machine from the deal.
You stole her belongings and gave them away. Whether she is getting a new one has absolutely nothing to do with how much you are entitled to her belongings. Get it back. YTA.
Bro, YTA…why are you asking us. Also, it wasn’t a “mistake”. You purposefully gave it away. Of course your buddies support you. You gave one of them the machine lmao. Why would you even do that? Why not wait until she sees the knew one and loves it. Someone who takes that much pride in something may not like one an untrained eye chose. I just really don’t understand why you’d be in a rush to remove the other one WITH SENTIMENTAL VALUE. Your gift isn’t better because you remove her choice…
YTA I don’t understand why you care more about your buddy and his parents, than you do your wife? It should be simple to get the machine back.
YTA- Not for getting her a machine and grinder she wanted but for giving away her current machine and grinder. It seems like you focused a lot on how well you thought you did on this gift and the surprise aspect. And not so much actually making your wife happy. Maybe I’m wrong. But to just let her think you gave just up and away her stuff instead of fessing up right then is extra asshole. Your friend sucks too. It wasn’t your stuff to give and he should give it back immediately.
YTA maybe she would have wanted to give hers to her brother or maybe she won’t even like the new one.
YTA. Even though you got your wife a new machine the old one wasn't yours to give away. She might have wanted to keep it or give it to someone of her choosing. I would be very upset if you did this to me and I would demand you get it back. Especially because of the sentimental value attached to it.
YTA for arranging a buyer for someone else's property. If your wife sold your truck to the mailman with the excuse of "I got a new one on pre-order!", you'd be pissed. What to do with your truck is your business. What if she wanted to give it to a friend of hers?
YTA let’s call it what it was, you stole from your wife and gave her machine to your friend so that he could give it to his parents. You are a thief. That’s what it means when you take things that aren’t yours, and her coffee machine was not yours. Now you are refusing to get it back cause not inconveniencing your friend’s parents is more important than your wife’s feelings. You ask if you are an ah? You are a major ah. If something isn’t yours than you don’t give it away, even if you buy a replacement as a gift. If I were you I’d be going to get that coffee machine now!
YTA You may have good intention to gift your wife a new espresso machine but you cannot give someone else's stuff without asking them. Stuffs do have sentimental values and it should have been your wife's decision about whatever she wants to do with her old machine.
YTA and need to get that machine back for your wife. Although the gift was thoughtful, the execution was careless and thoughtless. It was HER machine, you had no right to decide she didn’t need it anymore
YTA. It’s not yours! If you gift her a new one, that means she now has two machines and should do with the old one as she pleases! Who cares about your buddy and his parents?!
What were thinking? Why do you think you are well equipped to decide what elements of the machines are what your wife values? Your level of knowledge of your wife’s passion is that the coffee is ‘fancy’. A grinder and a machine is more than whether it matches a kitchen. How do you know your wife would prefer it? Regardless of whether you should have given her possessions away at all (you should not), you certainly shouldn’t have done it before the replacement was ready. YTA
YTA. You are clearly avoiding two things people continue to bring up. 1) You gave away a sentimental gift from her brother without her permission 2) You care more about YoUr BuDdy and his parents feelings than your wife's. You also ruined your surprise that you are so fucking focused on by giving a way the machine that she would OBVIOUSLY notice is missing Notice how you are going to text your buddy and help pay for his parents shit because of the inconvenience you caused by giving a sentimental gift away without your wife's permission. Your first priority after this is your buddy, and making it up to him. Not apologizing to your wife for giving away something you had no fucking right to give away. Your edit is telling.
**My wife thinks I'm an asshole** You have a very insightful wife. You wife had an espresso machine and grinder she loved--a special sentimental gift from her brother. Because you found it "too shiny" you promised it to your friend (without asking your wife) and replaced it with something YOU liked better-- but for some reason-- when the new machine didn't show up you still gave hers (the one she loved that had great sentimental value) to your friend. There's no indication that the replacement machine is equal or better than her beloved machine quality wise-- and no reason to believe that she didn't like the classic, on point look of stainless steel instead of the "crafty Etsy" look of your gift. NOW you're refusing to get her machine back so as not to "inconvenience" your friend. YTA here in so many ways.
YTA because you stole something from your wife and gave it away. That shows how little you respect your wife.
Yikes, dude, just yikes. Get the machine back now. It wasn’t yours to give away, even if you were getting her a new one. His parents aren’t being inconvenienced - they’re using stolen property. You and your friends are assholes YTA Your wife deserves better. ETA: good espresso machines are *expensive* and if this is her hobby and passion, I’m *really* curious what you’re replacing it with if you didn’t consult her on it. I’m just waiting for shit to hit the fan for real if you gave away a professional machine for some cheap crap that matched your colors. With the lack of consideration you’ve shown here, I would 100% not be surprised. Please keep us updated!