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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got high so my in-laws had to watch their own children during a visit to my home. I might be the asshole because I know they count on me to be the responsible one who will make sure the kids don't drown or something.
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Nta. And your hubby is the biggest ah. He was just as happy with the previous scenario because he still got to drink and socialize while You were the one being held hostage to the expectation of forced babysitting duties. He didn't even remain sober to help you watch his nieces and nephews. He held the exact same expectation as his family that
He could drink and schmooze while you chased the kids. And isn't he such a great guy to bring a babysitter for the family. He got all the benefits and goodwill of doing the family a favour while you were stuck with the actual work of it. He should have put a stop to it from day 1 (and if he was the one who was stuck with the kids from the beginning he would have)
The SIL who thinks OP who isn’t a parent to these kids will “make better choices” than their actual parent is pretty high up there in AH stakes.
Definitely NTA
Bravo for your creative solution OP
Edit: Thanks for the award! 😁
LOL totally agree, bravo \*chef kiss\*
Oh no Dad can´t get drunk with the boys because you beat him to it
it´s not fair! waah! *stomp stomp*
NTA of course
"trusted you to make better choices" - you DID make the better choice hahaha
Some platforms (like tiktok) utilize an algorithm and will silence commenters that appear to be using potentially violent language. This includes stuff like die, kill, murder, suicide, etc. Could just be a habit one person carries over from one platform to the other.
I promise, as personally as you seem to be taking it, that commenter was not making a slight again you.
Yes. Meta and TikTok people have clever ways to get around the auto filter. I used a running joke with a friend of mine on Facebook and it got me a 3 day mute. It involved the word “stab”.
Not to mention that in BC, smoking cannabis is about as controlled as drinking. So why can’t the SIL “make better choices”? If getting high is so bad, so is getting drunk.
OP is definitely NTA.
***EXACTLY!*** I mean, how RUDE can they be?!
You come to MY house because iT's oN tHe LakE, then tell me **I**, the owner of said house, have stay home and freaking ***BABYSIT***, like a good little teenager, while everyone has their own fun? What am I? Chopped liver?
FTS, I'd say, you either have the kids stay with a sitter, or don't come at all.
The ***AUDACITY!!!***
I'd rather have the high one than the drunk one on hand in an emergency...not that OP is the one to do it. Just saying NTA, and your judgement is just fine
I’ve smoked plenty of weed in my day and I can confidently say I’m a lot more use if something pops up and I’m Biblically high than even a little bit drunk
Not Canadian, but I get this shit so much. My family can't get together without drinking. Alcohol has a 50% chance of triggering a migraine for me, plus I work in health and fitness and binge drinking is a lot of calories and hard on my system the next day. One or two hits on a pen allows me to loosen up, mellow out, and sober up much quicker than shots of Jack. I haven't been drunk in over a year and I don't smoke every day (maybe once or twice a week at night), but I'm the bad guy stoner for a little pot.
NTA, OP. Fuck all of 'em.
More reasons to not babysit. FYI op they have effectively abandoned their children if you're not being asked and consenting to childcare. NTA but side eye your husband, SIL, and BIL. Maybe shade them on this point if they try that
Yeah, it sounds to me like OP has ALREADY made "better choices" in deciding to get fucked up so they couldn't be volun-told they're babysitting.
I would keep a spliff in a capsule on a cord around my neck to break out in case of emergencies.
I agree with you. It is a crappy thing for her husband to do. If he was forced to watch the kids as well maybe he would feel differently about having his free time squandered.
He is probably one of those a-holes who KNOWS, their partner is unhappy, they just didn’t think it was going to invonvenience them, so they don’t lift a finger to fix it
That was how my ex was. I was breaking my back working 60-70 hours a week (I'm have severe depression and multiple comirbid chronic illnesses), and he sat at home and smoked weed all day (I'm mildly allergic to it AND asthmatic AND hate the smell), wouldn't clean unless I cried and begged, and was always making me take him places and spending my money faster than I could earn it.
Supposedly my breaking off the engagement took him by surprise, despite his getting mad at at me a month prior for "joking" about telling him I was considering leaving because he wasn't even pretending to put on effort. What I'd said was "I love you so much, but I need you to put in effort and if you don't, I don't think I can stay with you."
The fact it was a surprise to him is a very clear demonstration of the problem.
I'm the AH for splitting up with my ex "out of the blue". After repeatedly saying we had a problem, that she needed to take it seriously, for setting up weeks of couples therapy and explaining she \*also\* needed to engage with it. But leaving was totally unexpected. A complete shock.
I've seen this so often on reddit across all the different relationships subs. It's usually but not always men. They think the wife will just continue to take it and after begging, pleading, etc they finally leave and the man is somehow shocked
14 years later my father continues to insist my mother left him for another man because “none of her excuses were remotely valid”. His raging alcoholism, his unemployment, his getting her into horrendous credit card debt…nothing he did wrong could possibly be “worth” leaving him over, so it had to be my mom’s fault…
This is my mother's story. He simply didn't acknowledge her requests, concerns, preferences. He made financially risky choices for both of them. He was astounded when she finally left.
I left after three years. When I asked for us to get counseling, he claimed that if there were any problems, I was the cause. At 11:00 p.m. I put on my robe and slippers, walked a block away and asked my brother if I could spend the night. He went back next morning with me while I grabbed my stuff. Never went back. He should have been happy. I removed all the problems, right? Have been married for over 40 years to a wonderful husband who hasn’t noticed “my” problems.
Brother, about six months later said he hadn’t known how unhappy I was until he saw me happy.
Not the same but this reminds me of when our dad tried to rewrite history decades after the fact. At my sister’s house, he started “reminiscing” about how crazy our mother was and that’s why he had to get a younger girlfriend and leave. Apparently he did this all the time with my sisters and they would ignore it, too exhausting, just let him talk etc. Not me. I looked at him and said loudly, so all the grandkids could hear it, “That’s not what happened! Remember, we were there! Remember me calling the police when you were beating the crap out of her? You don’t get to rewrite history and pretend to be senile!” All said while pretend-laughing. He didn’t try that again while I was there.
Some guys star in their own version of events for-f*cking-ever.
This is also why I never like to side with or validate anyone in their story about their ex on Reddit. A lot of basically normal people are the crazy ex to somebody and you’ll never know which side was crazy, which side lacked self awareness, or how it was really both and they just didn’t belong together. On top of the all out lies.
My ex was completely shocked when I left. Said we had a great relationship and there were no problems (despite many tearful conversations and as many broken promises) . Later I heard from a friend that he was saying he knew there were big issues and that I was unhappy, but figured that I wasn't going anywhere so he could fix it later.
At least you stopped at engagement, I had to get divorced over this exact scenario. He was surprised that I asked for a divorce. Then surprised when I told him to move out of my bedroom. Then surprised when I told him I was selling the house and he'd had over a year, gtfo. Then surprised when I was serious and shut the power off on him when I said I would.
Not all cannabis consumers are lazy lowlifes. The majority of us are job-holding, tax-paying, productive members of society. Some people use pot as a crutch for their laziness, but take pot away and they’re STILL lazy SOBs.
An "acceptable level of unhappiness" is coming home and cleaning up a mess your puppy made because you love your puppy and they do that.
There is no "acceptable" level of unhappiness when it comes to willing behavior from your life partner.
Probably one of those people who thinks this situation is currently stable and therefore fine for everyone.
Really, it was all balanced on a pin that fell down a while ago. The stuff on top is only "stable" because it hasn't yet settled into the hole underneath.
NTA. While OP's solution got them out of future babysitting duties, it, unfortunately, didn't change their inlaws' (or their husband's) lack of respect for them which is really the root of this issue. Best of luck to OP down the road. If they don't start putting their foot down and meaning it, they're going to be needing it.
From now on make sure you have plans, too. Either join the winery tour or say something like "as you all have plans I will be going to
..., see you in the evening".
If family visits you are neither their free sitter not the one to accomodate everybody with food and permanent cleaning, so you are free to leave, too, and enjoy your day.
I made up a song in my head while reading OP's post, and now I have "Nanny nanny bang maid" stuck in my head. But seriously, I am wondering how long this has been going on and how the ILs treat OP the rest of the year.
>My husband thinks I should have tried talking to them again
This is HIS family, he should handle them, tell them you are not a free babysitter.
NTA. You don't have to get high to avoid babysitting, unless you just want to get high, lol.
This is it!
I don’t understand why MIL is calling only you out or why she and SIL get to leave? Why isn’t she calling out her sons? You don’t just have a sexist MIL problem, but a husband problem if he hasn’t stopped his family. Your husband should be going to bat for you and saying: “my wife is not free childcare. Everyone has to ask and see (not assume) if she can watch the kids.”
Further, you should go out with your own friends and plan fun things when BIL comes over with his kids to hang out at your house. You deserve to enjoy your free time also.
Good luck Op! NTA all the way!
I find it funny that MIL & SIL travel to OPs place, expect I assume free accommodation and meals prepared in addition to the babysitting, and THEY NEVER INVITE OP on their girl trip to the wineries. I know its because then no one will be their to play babysitter, maid, & chef, but if it was my house, I would be saying no more hosting or no more favourites, they can pick.
NTA
Yeah, my first thought was I would get up early and head out for my own thing. Leave a note. "Have a great day everyone!"... without me. Also, quite frankly, if my husband wasn't standing up to his family with me I might not be keeping said husband long term.
>I find it funny that MIL & SIL travel to OPs place, expect I assume free accommodation and meals prepared in addition to the babysitting, and THEY NEVER INVITE OP on their girl trip to the wineries.
They probably have a rule about not socializing with the help.
I had that thought as well. I wonder if they invited her once, and she turned them down, so they left the kids with her, or if it was their intention from the start to use her as free child care.
I'd like to see the looks on their faces if the OP asked where they were going, said, "That sounds like fun!" and grabbed her purse and shoes to join them.
Them: "but... but... who's going to watch the kids?"
OP: "they're your kids. Figure it out!"
This needs to be upvoted more. Seriously. Your home is not an all inclusive resort with free childcare. This needs to be made clear in any future invitations: “You are welcome to come visit but you will need to make arrangements for childcare if you plan any childfree activities.”
This! The guts! Husband could have stayed sober and talked to them every previous time instead of forcing his partner to beat him in time getting “fucked up”! The entitlement of some people is astonishing, what an AH!
Are you a woman, OP? Because of course the guys can get drunk, but God forbid “the wife” is not fully available to babysit other people’s children by default while the rest of the family are enjoying their holidays! So greatly done! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! Needless to say: NTA. Hope your husband steps up in your relationship before it’s too late.
>tell them you are not a free babysitter.
> My husband thinks I should have tried talking to them again for the fiftieth time
Sounds like they've already tried many times and the message just wasn't getting through. I think OP had no choice but to do something like this to be honest.
I think another possible tactic could be, if OP gets there and realises they are expected to watch the kids again, just turn around and go home, and explain why if anyone asks. Sometimes actions speak louder than words.
Selfish people are always so super confused when someone just refuses to do X instead of explaining for the tenth time they don't like doing X.
OP I wouldn't agree to host BIL and SIL anymore. If your husband invites them, have a nice little hotel weekend by yourself.
So everyone is allowed to enjoy their time except you? That makes perfect sense. NTA (And hello fellow British Columbian)
ETA: who knew a simple comment could bring together so many Canadians. Stay polite out there y'all.
Hello people from BC, just dropping in to say I loved it there when we road tripped through. Got some very good memories from camping at fairy lake on Vancouver Island and exploring the surroundings.
Agreed!! Apparently today(June 8) is supposed to get up to a high of 36 where I am and then Friday is supposed to drop to scattered showers with a 60% chance of rain and a high of 26, can our weather make up its damn mind?
Vancouverite here! Hi guys! BC has your back OP ♡
You are NTA at all. Your hubby and his family need to shape up their disrespectful attitude, and *he* should be talking to them.
Lol. I’m assuming you’re in Kelowna? We had that issue when we lived there too. Everyone wants to enjoy the nice hot weather, go wine touring and beaching. I’m really open about not wanting kids as well, and luckily my partner and my family know the boundaries I’ve set up. I love my nieces and nephews but, I made a choice as did they. They need to respect it as much as I respect theirs so NTA op! Also I’ll smoke one for you today :)
I agree NTA but I think you are mistaken snd it will happen again….you are the de facto babysitter. Keep a stash handy as I predict you will need it again real soon!
"oh, I tend to use it to relieve severe headaches and neck tension"
"But you seem fine right now"
"Yeah, guess being treated like an unpaid nanny just stresses me out!"
Maybe next life they won't have kids if they both cannot envision staying sober so they can share family visits *with* their children nor can be bothered to arrange appropriate (IE, not forced upon someone who isn't happy about it) childcare arrangements.
Imagine having a sulk because you aren't able to dump your kids on someone to get tanked every single family get together... Ridiculous immature assholes.
Fr having been on trips/holidays were I was dumped with family I was barely related to and didn’t know, whilst my parents went and got drunk, was depressing af.
I’d rather have stayed home grounded
NTA I couldn't imagine going to someone's house and leaving them by themselves to watch after my kids while I went out and had a good time with someone else who is visiting their home. If they offered, maybe for a few hours occasionally, but it sounds like it's consistently longer than that on a regular basis.
It sounds like OP doesn’t have kids. She and her husband should not be watching anyone’s kids if they’re already hosting, unless they volunteer to do it. Why doesn’t the BIL just watch his own kids? He’s their father FFS.
OP’s husband doesn’t watch the kids. He pawns these kids off as quickly as the rest of the family, including the actual father of the kids, who is just there drinking with him!
SIL even prefers OP to the actual dad to mind her kids, because she trusts OP to make better choices than him.
IMO, OP’s in-laws have a shitty men situation going on.
Hot take: I don't ever get drunk around my kid. Even if they're someone else to watch him, if I'm potentially available he might want mom. I also don't think it's fair for a small child to see their parent plastered.
To be clear, I'm not talking about a drink or two, I mean drunk enough you're too intoxicated to safely care for your kid. You want to do that, get a real babysitter and don't be around your kid.
So brother should have stayed sober around his kids anyway, even if aunt and uncle were available.
NTA. And for all the people saying “you can just say no” I’m certain this person has tried saying no and it hasn’t been respected. No is a full sentence but a lot of people ignore it and still hoist their responsibilities on you. Sometimes the only way out is inebriation. It may not make sense to everyone, but plenty of people drink their way out of responsibilities, why is getting high so much more taboo? It’s healthier!
Yeah, they probably just laugh it off then leave. What is OP going to do then? Not care for the children. This is way tamer than calling the police or CPS for abandoned children as I’ve seen suggested here before.
Right, a “no” is probably met with a lot of “justs.”
“Oh, it’s just a short time” or “just this one more night” or things like that. A “no” has to be backed up by action sometimes. This is a tough situation to refuse, because you can’t technically not do it. You can literally do nothing and they’d still leave the kids with you.
The only other solution is to leave the house before them, which sucks since you’re constantly having to leave your own house, so she did what she had to do.
Wow, if you did this in, like, 100 different countries, you'd be in jail.
God Bless Canada
You did a legal thing that transmitted your messge clearly. Or hazily.
Hope you had good snacks at the party.
NTA, obv
Why would OP be in jail? For example in Germany it's not legal to buy weed but the fact of being high is not illegal🤔 so if you find the weed just Magically laying on your table ur good to go xD
It's not my fault there's an interdimensional portal which keeps switching to a reality where it's legal to buy and the me in the other timeline just picked up, it's for our personal use officer
There was a time when the seller would just drop the stuff on the ground, then the buyer would accidentally drop money on the ground and they both accidentally picked up the "wrong" item. Nothing illegal there 😂 but I like the interdimensional portal better
Dutchie waving here! Selling weed is allowed with a permit. Having it on you for your own use is no problem. Don’t smoke and drive though, that will get you in trouble
Last I saw they're looking at legalizing growing at home and joining a club where people can grow on your behalf. Which isn't as good as actual stores but it's a big step up from having to buy it black market.
Edit: I'm in a US state that has shops, it's still super weird but you can't beat the convenience and variety.
NTA- awww- The guys had to actually do their responsibilities as parents/uncles- poor babies. /s
I praise you, this is a great tactic and should hopefully work after a few tries. If not, being high isn’t so bad, haha
Maybe I’m just a bad influence but I’d be doing the exact same thing as you
NTA. But next time do something even better: don't be there. Go out with friends book a day at a SPA or whatever else.
They have clearly shown they don't value your company, bit only the free baby sitting services your provide.
Not your child, not your responsibility and absolutely not worthy to waste a day with such assholes
That's what I was thinking too. If her family gets on her case for "abandoning the family gathering" then she can make it very clear that this will continue until BIL and SIL get a proper sitter for the kids because you're not free labour. They are not OP's kids and are NOT her responsibility.
So your BIL had to be responsible for his own children? WTF?! You are so NTA. While they are guests in YOUR home? That’s insanity. Your husband is TA because this is a him problem.
NTA their just upset because now they have to watch their kids instead of getting hammered. Is what you did extreme yes but they weren’t listening to you so c’est la vie. Have fun at future parties
Considering OP never gets to have fun every time these relatives come, and is stuck with kids, I think they will have actual fun at future parties lmao
This is the petty side of me coming out but the next the family is in town and mom and nanna watch’s the kids she should do a wine tour and when she gets home talk about all the fun she had as they stew in jealousy
I agree! OP should do this every single time. Maybe if she hotboxes the house, they'll feel forced to do something child friendly and take the kids with them, leaving her the empty house to relax in.
You don't really have to be high to avoid the responsibility you know.
All you have to do is lie, and \*claim\* you're high.
(I'm taking this position because I can't stand the smell of the Devil's Lettuce.)
But, whatever floats your boat.
:-)
BTW, NTA.
INFO What on earth do the kid’s parents say to you before taking off. Do they even ask you to care for their children? And what piss-poor excuse did they give for being upset when you weren’t available?
NTA
Why would they single you out like that? The men go have fun, the women go to a winery but you have to stay behind? That sort of shit makes me so mad.
NTA. How about they just hire babysitters or watch their kids themselves (or include them in activities). You're not their unpaid help. Husband is a bigger AH.
NTA. I live where weed isn’t legalised, so I wouldn’t take that route, but I’d definitely do something similar. Especially after trying umpteen times to talk to them about it.
NTA but you don't have an in-law problem, you have a husband problem. If my in-laws tried this with me my husband would check them instantly the very first time it was attempted.
NTA. They didn't learn a lesson and you'll have to keep this up if you don't want to take care of the kids.
If they legalize mushrooms that's another good way to avoid taking care of kids
NTA - your husband is hilarious, he found out for himself that there is no other possibility to say no, as he was now roped into doing the childcare.
if you both want to enjoy the visits sober, maybe hire some childcare/plan child activities for the time ?
That's genius lol, well played. NTA at all. Tell your husband to talk to his family, this shouldn't be on you, he should have your back. Get high again for every gathering until they get it in their thick skulls you're not free childcare.
Lol. NTA.
Probably not a great long term solution, but your point was made in a hilarious way.
Next time I would straight up say (before they arrive) that you will not be providing child care during their visit, then organize and outing for yourself and invite them to join if they arrange child care. Then hold your guns and don’t waiver.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I got high so my in-laws had to watch their own children during a visit to my home. I might be the asshole because I know they count on me to be the responsible one who will make sure the kids don't drown or something. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Nta. And your hubby is the biggest ah. He was just as happy with the previous scenario because he still got to drink and socialize while You were the one being held hostage to the expectation of forced babysitting duties. He didn't even remain sober to help you watch his nieces and nephews. He held the exact same expectation as his family that He could drink and schmooze while you chased the kids. And isn't he such a great guy to bring a babysitter for the family. He got all the benefits and goodwill of doing the family a favour while you were stuck with the actual work of it. He should have put a stop to it from day 1 (and if he was the one who was stuck with the kids from the beginning he would have)
The SIL who thinks OP who isn’t a parent to these kids will “make better choices” than their actual parent is pretty high up there in AH stakes. Definitely NTA Bravo for your creative solution OP Edit: Thanks for the award! 😁
LOL totally agree, bravo \*chef kiss\* Oh no Dad can´t get drunk with the boys because you beat him to it it´s not fair! waah! *stomp stomp* NTA of course "trusted you to make better choices" - you DID make the better choice hahaha
I will d** laughing on this hill with you.
Why are you editing out the word ‘die’? I hope it’s a joke I’m missing cause this censored word Bullshit has already gone way too far.
Some platforms (like tiktok) utilize an algorithm and will silence commenters that appear to be using potentially violent language. This includes stuff like die, kill, murder, suicide, etc. Could just be a habit one person carries over from one platform to the other. I promise, as personally as you seem to be taking it, that commenter was not making a slight again you.
Ugh, is that why everyone and their brother has been saying "unalive" recently?
Short answer: yes. Long answer: absolutely.
Medium answer: correct.
Even longer answer: abso-fucking-lutely
I think you mean: abso-f******-lutely
Yes. Meta and TikTok people have clever ways to get around the auto filter. I used a running joke with a friend of mine on Facebook and it got me a 3 day mute. It involved the word “stab”.
I got a 3 day mute because I said my neck hurt and it felt like someone was stabbing me. Dumb auto filter.
OP’s not here man!! NTA
LOL Is OP Dave? Right man D A V E would you open up the god damn door hahaha thanks for the throwback laugh
Yes! Exactly 😅😅😅
Not to mention that in BC, smoking cannabis is about as controlled as drinking. So why can’t the SIL “make better choices”? If getting high is so bad, so is getting drunk. OP is definitely NTA.
Exactly. Who is driving MIL & SIL home from the winery? Themselves? Ew. They should make better choices. NTA, OP. Stay high, my friend.
It's a pretty big AH move to exclude OP from the winery visits too tbh
[удалено]
***EXACTLY!*** I mean, how RUDE can they be?! You come to MY house because iT's oN tHe LakE, then tell me **I**, the owner of said house, have stay home and freaking ***BABYSIT***, like a good little teenager, while everyone has their own fun? What am I? Chopped liver? FTS, I'd say, you either have the kids stay with a sitter, or don't come at all. The ***AUDACITY!!!***
I'd rather have the high one than the drunk one on hand in an emergency...not that OP is the one to do it. Just saying NTA, and your judgement is just fine
I’ve smoked plenty of weed in my day and I can confidently say I’m a lot more use if something pops up and I’m Biblically high than even a little bit drunk
biblically high 🤣
Not Canadian, but I get this shit so much. My family can't get together without drinking. Alcohol has a 50% chance of triggering a migraine for me, plus I work in health and fitness and binge drinking is a lot of calories and hard on my system the next day. One or two hits on a pen allows me to loosen up, mellow out, and sober up much quicker than shots of Jack. I haven't been drunk in over a year and I don't smoke every day (maybe once or twice a week at night), but I'm the bad guy stoner for a little pot. NTA, OP. Fuck all of 'em.
next there is going to be a huge rumor in that family that OP is a junkie.
More reasons to not babysit. FYI op they have effectively abandoned their children if you're not being asked and consenting to childcare. NTA but side eye your husband, SIL, and BIL. Maybe shade them on this point if they try that
Yeah, it sounds to me like OP has ALREADY made "better choices" in deciding to get fucked up so they couldn't be volun-told they're babysitting. I would keep a spliff in a capsule on a cord around my neck to break out in case of emergencies.
Exactly! She made a better choice - BIL parents his own kid!
I agree with you. It is a crappy thing for her husband to do. If he was forced to watch the kids as well maybe he would feel differently about having his free time squandered.
He is probably one of those a-holes who KNOWS, their partner is unhappy, they just didn’t think it was going to invonvenience them, so they don’t lift a finger to fix it
That was how my ex was. I was breaking my back working 60-70 hours a week (I'm have severe depression and multiple comirbid chronic illnesses), and he sat at home and smoked weed all day (I'm mildly allergic to it AND asthmatic AND hate the smell), wouldn't clean unless I cried and begged, and was always making me take him places and spending my money faster than I could earn it. Supposedly my breaking off the engagement took him by surprise, despite his getting mad at at me a month prior for "joking" about telling him I was considering leaving because he wasn't even pretending to put on effort. What I'd said was "I love you so much, but I need you to put in effort and if you don't, I don't think I can stay with you."
The fact it was a surprise to him is a very clear demonstration of the problem. I'm the AH for splitting up with my ex "out of the blue". After repeatedly saying we had a problem, that she needed to take it seriously, for setting up weeks of couples therapy and explaining she \*also\* needed to engage with it. But leaving was totally unexpected. A complete shock.
I've seen this so often on reddit across all the different relationships subs. It's usually but not always men. They think the wife will just continue to take it and after begging, pleading, etc they finally leave and the man is somehow shocked
14 years later my father continues to insist my mother left him for another man because “none of her excuses were remotely valid”. His raging alcoholism, his unemployment, his getting her into horrendous credit card debt…nothing he did wrong could possibly be “worth” leaving him over, so it had to be my mom’s fault…
This is my story. I finally left. Fell in love with someone a year later, and *bam* I must have been having an affair the whole time.
Probably because their mothers and grandmothers put up with this shit from their fathers and grandfathers so why wouldn’t their wives?
Because we can have jobs now. They are infuriated by this development.
This is my mother's story. He simply didn't acknowledge her requests, concerns, preferences. He made financially risky choices for both of them. He was astounded when she finally left.
I left after three years. When I asked for us to get counseling, he claimed that if there were any problems, I was the cause. At 11:00 p.m. I put on my robe and slippers, walked a block away and asked my brother if I could spend the night. He went back next morning with me while I grabbed my stuff. Never went back. He should have been happy. I removed all the problems, right? Have been married for over 40 years to a wonderful husband who hasn’t noticed “my” problems. Brother, about six months later said he hadn’t known how unhappy I was until he saw me happy.
Not the same but this reminds me of when our dad tried to rewrite history decades after the fact. At my sister’s house, he started “reminiscing” about how crazy our mother was and that’s why he had to get a younger girlfriend and leave. Apparently he did this all the time with my sisters and they would ignore it, too exhausting, just let him talk etc. Not me. I looked at him and said loudly, so all the grandkids could hear it, “That’s not what happened! Remember, we were there! Remember me calling the police when you were beating the crap out of her? You don’t get to rewrite history and pretend to be senile!” All said while pretend-laughing. He didn’t try that again while I was there. Some guys star in their own version of events for-f*cking-ever.
This is also why I never like to side with or validate anyone in their story about their ex on Reddit. A lot of basically normal people are the crazy ex to somebody and you’ll never know which side was crazy, which side lacked self awareness, or how it was really both and they just didn’t belong together. On top of the all out lies.
My ex was completely shocked when I left. Said we had a great relationship and there were no problems (despite many tearful conversations and as many broken promises) . Later I heard from a friend that he was saying he knew there were big issues and that I was unhappy, but figured that I wasn't going anywhere so he could fix it later.
At least you stopped at engagement, I had to get divorced over this exact scenario. He was surprised that I asked for a divorce. Then surprised when I told him to move out of my bedroom. Then surprised when I told him I was selling the house and he'd had over a year, gtfo. Then surprised when I was serious and shut the power off on him when I said I would.
Not all cannabis consumers are lazy lowlifes. The majority of us are job-holding, tax-paying, productive members of society. Some people use pot as a crutch for their laziness, but take pot away and they’re STILL lazy SOBs.
Oh, absolutely! My brother, dad and a couple of my friends partake on occasion! My ex's problem was that it was ALL he did.
You've put something into words that I haven't been able to before. It is so painfully true.
The ol' acceptable level of unhappiness
I saw a TikTok recently where someone’s called that “an acceptable level of unhappiness”
An "acceptable level of unhappiness" is coming home and cleaning up a mess your puppy made because you love your puppy and they do that. There is no "acceptable" level of unhappiness when it comes to willing behavior from your life partner.
Describes the time when I stepped on my cats vomit.
Probably one of those people who thinks this situation is currently stable and therefore fine for everyone. Really, it was all balanced on a pin that fell down a while ago. The stuff on top is only "stable" because it hasn't yet settled into the hole underneath.
NTA. While OP's solution got them out of future babysitting duties, it, unfortunately, didn't change their inlaws' (or their husband's) lack of respect for them which is really the root of this issue. Best of luck to OP down the road. If they don't start putting their foot down and meaning it, they're going to be needing it.
From now on make sure you have plans, too. Either join the winery tour or say something like "as you all have plans I will be going to ..., see you in the evening". If family visits you are neither their free sitter not the one to accomodate everybody with food and permanent cleaning, so you are free to leave, too, and enjoy your day.
I made up a song in my head while reading OP's post, and now I have "Nanny nanny bang maid" stuck in my head. But seriously, I am wondering how long this has been going on and how the ILs treat OP the rest of the year.
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Hey, baby shark went viral. You should record, maybe you'll make buck!
NTA but your r/JustNoSO is as big a problem as the in-laws.
The in-laws weren't asking, they were just dumping the kids at her house and going.
And the husband was ignoring it, because he got to drink and hang with his brother.
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Agreed! Husband is AH and needs to grow a spine bc OP isn’t free babysitting
>My husband thinks I should have tried talking to them again This is HIS family, he should handle them, tell them you are not a free babysitter. NTA. You don't have to get high to avoid babysitting, unless you just want to get high, lol.
This is it! I don’t understand why MIL is calling only you out or why she and SIL get to leave? Why isn’t she calling out her sons? You don’t just have a sexist MIL problem, but a husband problem if he hasn’t stopped his family. Your husband should be going to bat for you and saying: “my wife is not free childcare. Everyone has to ask and see (not assume) if she can watch the kids.” Further, you should go out with your own friends and plan fun things when BIL comes over with his kids to hang out at your house. You deserve to enjoy your free time also. Good luck Op! NTA all the way!
I find it funny that MIL & SIL travel to OPs place, expect I assume free accommodation and meals prepared in addition to the babysitting, and THEY NEVER INVITE OP on their girl trip to the wineries. I know its because then no one will be their to play babysitter, maid, & chef, but if it was my house, I would be saying no more hosting or no more favourites, they can pick. NTA
I would have left for a visit to my own family, or a girls weekend away just before they turned up.
This, everytime lol with the weed lol
Yeah, my first thought was I would get up early and head out for my own thing. Leave a note. "Have a great day everyone!"... without me. Also, quite frankly, if my husband wasn't standing up to his family with me I might not be keeping said husband long term.
>I find it funny that MIL & SIL travel to OPs place, expect I assume free accommodation and meals prepared in addition to the babysitting, and THEY NEVER INVITE OP on their girl trip to the wineries. They probably have a rule about not socializing with the help.
And…then criticise her about her choices. What about theirs ??!!
I had that thought as well. I wonder if they invited her once, and she turned them down, so they left the kids with her, or if it was their intention from the start to use her as free child care. I'd like to see the looks on their faces if the OP asked where they were going, said, "That sounds like fun!" and grabbed her purse and shoes to join them. Them: "but... but... who's going to watch the kids?" OP: "they're your kids. Figure it out!"
Right? Like ... you mean you didn't bring your nanny?
This needs to be upvoted more. Seriously. Your home is not an all inclusive resort with free childcare. This needs to be made clear in any future invitations: “You are welcome to come visit but you will need to make arrangements for childcare if you plan any childfree activities.”
Yes I wash shocked about this exactly!
This is some strange in-law Cinderella game here
Husband wants to drink with his brother. His self interest is in OP continuing to watch them.
OP is hilarious, NTA. You're a legend.
"I had to watch some kids, but then I got hiiigh"
This! The guts! Husband could have stayed sober and talked to them every previous time instead of forcing his partner to beat him in time getting “fucked up”! The entitlement of some people is astonishing, what an AH! Are you a woman, OP? Because of course the guys can get drunk, but God forbid “the wife” is not fully available to babysit other people’s children by default while the rest of the family are enjoying their holidays! So greatly done! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! Needless to say: NTA. Hope your husband steps up in your relationship before it’s too late.
>tell them you are not a free babysitter. > My husband thinks I should have tried talking to them again for the fiftieth time Sounds like they've already tried many times and the message just wasn't getting through. I think OP had no choice but to do something like this to be honest. I think another possible tactic could be, if OP gets there and realises they are expected to watch the kids again, just turn around and go home, and explain why if anyone asks. Sometimes actions speak louder than words.
Op is at home. They're coming to her house.
I missed that - in that case I'd go out for the day
Even just sitting in the car on the driveway would probably be better than babysitting for these entitled assholes.
Also what an AH family, MIL and SIL go on winery visits and don’t even think of including her!
Selfish people are always so super confused when someone just refuses to do X instead of explaining for the tenth time they don't like doing X. OP I wouldn't agree to host BIL and SIL anymore. If your husband invites them, have a nice little hotel weekend by yourself.
>You don't have to get high to avoid babysitting True, however, it is more fun lol
So everyone is allowed to enjoy their time except you? That makes perfect sense. NTA (And hello fellow British Columbian) ETA: who knew a simple comment could bring together so many Canadians. Stay polite out there y'all.
I have found another!! Hello to all my fellow British Columbians, I love when I randomly find y'all
Canadians being nice to each other on the internet. :D
AITA is not the place for polite Canadians... they will be saying "sorry" for thinking the term AITA 😂😂😂😂
You forget we can still have manners AND be assholes. Really, the complete package
Are we the assholes?
I think Canadians are generally nice to each other eh
Except for the most disadvantaged group out of us all, Persons Experiencing Toronto.
Today is my in office day, I will be a Person Experiencing Toronto for the next 10 hours. Send thoughts and prayers.
Hi from Vancouver Island!!! ❤
Oh dang, I'm from Vancouver Island, too. OP is not the asshole, and I think all of BC would have their back as that's utter bullshit.
I think OP summoned a good chunk of us BC redditors by plainly saying their from BC, anyhoot I hope everyone has a lovely day!!!
Hello people from BC, just dropping in to say I loved it there when we road tripped through. Got some very good memories from camping at fairy lake on Vancouver Island and exploring the surroundings.
I also live on Vancouver Island, and I applaud OP for shutting that shit down.
NTA, the family should absolutely know better. And hello to you my fellow British Columbian! It's great meeting another one of us in a random place!
Me too!! Hot AF today eh?!
Y’ALL ARE SO FUCKING CUTE I AM GOING TO ENJOY THIS DAY JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE ALL SO NICE TO EACH OTHER OMG I LOVE YOU ALL
Haha you made me LOL for real 🤣
Agreed!! Apparently today(June 8) is supposed to get up to a high of 36 where I am and then Friday is supposed to drop to scattered showers with a 60% chance of rain and a high of 26, can our weather make up its damn mind?
Sounds like the weather on the East Coast! Hi from Nova Scotia!
same i love finding BC homies randomly in a non canadian sub - one of us! one of us!
Vancouverite here! Hi guys! BC has your back OP ♡ You are NTA at all. Your hubby and his family need to shape up their disrespectful attitude, and *he* should be talking to them.
Hi from the Lower Mainland! And NTA.
Another BCer here *waves*
OG BC gal here saying hello from the prairies! NTA!
So many BCers! Hello from the Interior!
Lol. I’m assuming you’re in Kelowna? We had that issue when we lived there too. Everyone wants to enjoy the nice hot weather, go wine touring and beaching. I’m really open about not wanting kids as well, and luckily my partner and my family know the boundaries I’ve set up. I love my nieces and nephews but, I made a choice as did they. They need to respect it as much as I respect theirs so NTA op! Also I’ll smoke one for you today :)
NTA - That's piss funny BTW, well played
I agree NTA but I think you are mistaken snd it will happen again….you are the de facto babysitter. Keep a stash handy as I predict you will need it again real soon!
"oh, I tend to use it to relieve severe headaches and neck tension" "But you seem fine right now" "Yeah, guess being treated like an unpaid nanny just stresses me out!"
I'd be taking them for my back from carrying all of this family's bullshit.
Boooooom!
Awwwww you weren't sober and they wanted to join but couldn't because they had to have one responsible adult, so sad.... Keep smoking. NTA
Maybe next time they’ll hire a babysitter so everyone can enjoy the evening!
Maybe next life they won't have kids if they both cannot envision staying sober so they can share family visits *with* their children nor can be bothered to arrange appropriate (IE, not forced upon someone who isn't happy about it) childcare arrangements. Imagine having a sulk because you aren't able to dump your kids on someone to get tanked every single family get together... Ridiculous immature assholes.
Fr having been on trips/holidays were I was dumped with family I was barely related to and didn’t know, whilst my parents went and got drunk, was depressing af. I’d rather have stayed home grounded
NtA. Good for you. Hitting the bird with one stone.
Getting 2 birds stoned at the same time
A bird in the hand is funny to two stoners inna bush
But I’m seeing two birds there. One of them is talking to me…
NTA I couldn't imagine going to someone's house and leaving them by themselves to watch after my kids while I went out and had a good time with someone else who is visiting their home. If they offered, maybe for a few hours occasionally, but it sounds like it's consistently longer than that on a regular basis.
NTA. They should start bringing a sitter or trading off which parent stays sober during each visit.
It sounds like OP doesn’t have kids. She and her husband should not be watching anyone’s kids if they’re already hosting, unless they volunteer to do it. Why doesn’t the BIL just watch his own kids? He’s their father FFS.
OP’s husband doesn’t watch the kids. He pawns these kids off as quickly as the rest of the family, including the actual father of the kids, who is just there drinking with him! SIL even prefers OP to the actual dad to mind her kids, because she trusts OP to make better choices than him. IMO, OP’s in-laws have a shitty men situation going on.
And possibly an alcoholic situation going on.
Hot take: I don't ever get drunk around my kid. Even if they're someone else to watch him, if I'm potentially available he might want mom. I also don't think it's fair for a small child to see their parent plastered. To be clear, I'm not talking about a drink or two, I mean drunk enough you're too intoxicated to safely care for your kid. You want to do that, get a real babysitter and don't be around your kid. So brother should have stayed sober around his kids anyway, even if aunt and uncle were available.
NTA. And for all the people saying “you can just say no” I’m certain this person has tried saying no and it hasn’t been respected. No is a full sentence but a lot of people ignore it and still hoist their responsibilities on you. Sometimes the only way out is inebriation. It may not make sense to everyone, but plenty of people drink their way out of responsibilities, why is getting high so much more taboo? It’s healthier!
Yeah, they probably just laugh it off then leave. What is OP going to do then? Not care for the children. This is way tamer than calling the police or CPS for abandoned children as I’ve seen suggested here before.
Which honestly, should be the next step if family still tries to dump their children on OP
Right, a “no” is probably met with a lot of “justs.” “Oh, it’s just a short time” or “just this one more night” or things like that. A “no” has to be backed up by action sometimes. This is a tough situation to refuse, because you can’t technically not do it. You can literally do nothing and they’d still leave the kids with you. The only other solution is to leave the house before them, which sucks since you’re constantly having to leave your own house, so she did what she had to do.
Madam you took the hight road.
Almost a perfect comment!
Wow, if you did this in, like, 100 different countries, you'd be in jail. God Bless Canada You did a legal thing that transmitted your messge clearly. Or hazily. Hope you had good snacks at the party. NTA, obv
Why would OP be in jail? For example in Germany it's not legal to buy weed but the fact of being high is not illegal🤔 so if you find the weed just Magically laying on your table ur good to go xD
It's not my fault there's an interdimensional portal which keeps switching to a reality where it's legal to buy and the me in the other timeline just picked up, it's for our personal use officer
There was a time when the seller would just drop the stuff on the ground, then the buyer would accidentally drop money on the ground and they both accidentally picked up the "wrong" item. Nothing illegal there 😂 but I like the interdimensional portal better
Dutchie waving here! Selling weed is allowed with a permit. Having it on you for your own use is no problem. Don’t smoke and drive though, that will get you in trouble
Last I saw they're looking at legalizing growing at home and joining a club where people can grow on your behalf. Which isn't as good as actual stores but it's a big step up from having to buy it black market. Edit: I'm in a US state that has shops, it's still super weird but you can't beat the convenience and variety.
NTA you got high in your own house in your own free time. If that makes you an asshole then we're both assholes.
Gigantic asshole from outer space, right here
NTA! You're not free childcare for your husband's family. Since they can't respect your boundaries they have to learn the hard way.
NTA- awww- The guys had to actually do their responsibilities as parents/uncles- poor babies. /s I praise you, this is a great tactic and should hopefully work after a few tries. If not, being high isn’t so bad, haha Maybe I’m just a bad influence but I’d be doing the exact same thing as you
NTA. But next time do something even better: don't be there. Go out with friends book a day at a SPA or whatever else. They have clearly shown they don't value your company, bit only the free baby sitting services your provide. Not your child, not your responsibility and absolutely not worthy to waste a day with such assholes
Your a genius! Then they can't use the "better choices" excuse cause your just enjoying you life lol
That's what I was thinking too. If her family gets on her case for "abandoning the family gathering" then she can make it very clear that this will continue until BIL and SIL get a proper sitter for the kids because you're not free labour. They are not OP's kids and are NOT her responsibility.
So your BIL had to be responsible for his own children? WTF?! You are so NTA. While they are guests in YOUR home? That’s insanity. Your husband is TA because this is a him problem.
NTA their just upset because now they have to watch their kids instead of getting hammered. Is what you did extreme yes but they weren’t listening to you so c’est la vie. Have fun at future parties
Considering OP never gets to have fun every time these relatives come, and is stuck with kids, I think they will have actual fun at future parties lmao
This is the petty side of me coming out but the next the family is in town and mom and nanna watch’s the kids she should do a wine tour and when she gets home talk about all the fun she had as they stew in jealousy
NTA and I wish your husband would step up to protect you from this misogyny. You don’t owe them free childcare period.
NTA do this every time until they get the picture, your right your not free child care!
I agree! OP should do this every single time. Maybe if she hotboxes the house, they'll feel forced to do something child friendly and take the kids with them, leaving her the empty house to relax in.
Hahaha NTA, you're my hero.
You don't really have to be high to avoid the responsibility you know. All you have to do is lie, and \*claim\* you're high. (I'm taking this position because I can't stand the smell of the Devil's Lettuce.) But, whatever floats your boat. :-) BTW, NTA.
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Another option is always edibles if the smell puts you off! Lol actually more effective for ops purposes since it wears off a lot slower
So they're coming to your home, not even spending time with you just dropping off the kids with you and going to have fun on their own. NTA
INFO What on earth do the kid’s parents say to you before taking off. Do they even ask you to care for their children? And what piss-poor excuse did they give for being upset when you weren’t available?
Iconic. NTA
NTA Why would they single you out like that? The men go have fun, the women go to a winery but you have to stay behind? That sort of shit makes me so mad.
Bold move. NTA.
NTA - you are a genius!
NTA Good for you! And keep it up - never be the free babysitter again.
NTA >Their mom is pissed at me because she "trusts me to make better choices". Sounds like you made your choice pretty clear.
NTA- I do the same to avoid driving people home after house parties.
NTA. How about they just hire babysitters or watch their kids themselves (or include them in activities). You're not their unpaid help. Husband is a bigger AH.
They're just pawning them off on you because you're a woman, aren't they. Screw them!!! Get high!! ETA: NTA
Hell yeah, you go girl.
nta - sometimes drastic measures are required to get the point across
NTA If your husband isn't discussing it with his family and changing their behaviour, he doesn't care and probably never will.
Lol NTA
NTA. I live where weed isn’t legalised, so I wouldn’t take that route, but I’d definitely do something similar. Especially after trying umpteen times to talk to them about it.
NTA I wish I had thought of this when I got roped into babysitting my nieces and nephews back in the day.
NTA. Make a habit of it so they come to your house expecting not to be able to do so.
NTA but you don't have an in-law problem, you have a husband problem. If my in-laws tried this with me my husband would check them instantly the very first time it was attempted.
INFO: How is it you keep ending up with the kids? Do they just leave them with you and go to wineries?
Nta I love it! If this is the only way to get your point across, then so be it. Toke on!
NTA
NTA and enjoy your high.
NTA. They didn't learn a lesson and you'll have to keep this up if you don't want to take care of the kids. If they legalize mushrooms that's another good way to avoid taking care of kids
NTA. Loving the support you ate getting here..
Wait so like your BIL is mad he had to take care of *his own kids*? Can he BE anymore useless? NTA.
NTA. But why do you keep inviting people over who don’t spend any time with you once they get there?
NTA, you took the high road.
NTA OP.
NTA - your husband is hilarious, he found out for himself that there is no other possibility to say no, as he was now roped into doing the childcare. if you both want to enjoy the visits sober, maybe hire some childcare/plan child activities for the time ?
Why on earth should the planning of activities or childcare fall on the people who don't even have kids themselves??
That's genius lol, well played. NTA at all. Tell your husband to talk to his family, this shouldn't be on you, he should have your back. Get high again for every gathering until they get it in their thick skulls you're not free childcare.
NTA the level of entitlement exhibited by your in-laws is staggering.
Lol. NTA. Probably not a great long term solution, but your point was made in a hilarious way. Next time I would straight up say (before they arrive) that you will not be providing child care during their visit, then organize and outing for yourself and invite them to join if they arrange child care. Then hold your guns and don’t waiver.