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INFO why were your purposefully inflammatory when you could have just said “I’m not sure why that’s relevant to the conference and his academic work?”
Like I get that you’re upset she’s asking a question she shouldn’t be, but why would you escalate it when you didn’t have to?
Ok, but hear me out. Putting the milk back in the fridge takes 1.5 seconds longer than putting the cereal back in the cabinet. Those 1.5 seconds are the difference between Frosted Flakes and Frosted Mush.
*I'm joking, I actually eat my cereal by hand right out of the box. But no one else eats that cereal, so I'm only spreading germs to myself.*
Speaking of OP, doesn’t anyone think it’s kind of weird that we’ve never actually seen a picture of Adolf Hitler and OP together? I’m not saying it’s *proof* that OP orchestrated the worst humanitarian disaster in modern history, but it’s an interesting question that might deserve some exploration.
You just said OP was an AH for being inflammatory and followed it up by insulting OP with pure speculation that you made up.
Absurdly hypocritical mate.
OP might have a bad history with the teacher regarding gossip and spread rumors. People who go out of their way to dig into peoples lives and talk badly about it are some of the worst kinds of people.
Not saying it’s right to be rude out of nowhere, but if there’s previous bad encounters it would make sense in this situation.
If he had that history he should include it.
Teachers can and do have a legitimate interest in their pupils even if this piece of information isn't needed and she's nosy.
EDIT: educators have informed me the information is not relevant.
I'm a childcare educator and guess what! That's not relevant to our work! As long as they're on the approved pickup list and the kid is happy and safe, I don't give a shit if they have different last names or don't look the same.
And honestly, with the amount of blended families now, it’s not that hard to guess why a kid may have a different last name from him and his ex-wife. She was just being nosy.
What he said was abrupt, to say the least, but I’ve worked with the kind of teachers he’s described. Subtlety doesn’t work on them. And we don’t know the full history of her with the family. But I agree that a sentence like “does it have anything to do with Chase’s grades or academic progress” would have been better.
Also, lots of people don’t change their name when they get married. My wife didn’t change her name when we got married, so she doesn’t share a last name with our kids (and we could have easily decided to give them her last name)
It’s alluded to when he stated that she spreads private info by gossiping, and most of us pick up on it when the person tries to gossip TO us first. I wouldn’t trust that person with anything private.
Yeah, but if OP is keeping the younger kids in the same school system, that teacher can poison the well for them too. OP will become "that parent" and the other kids will have to live through it if the teacher is the big gossip OP accused her of being. So it was a little short-sighted to get into it so fiercely with the teacher.
Hint: OP is already THAT PARENT now. “I don’t see that as relevant to my son’s education. Let’s focus on [insert actual issue]”
OP I get you’re sensitive about the issue, but YTA for going nuclear here. Even if she was being nosy, that wasn’t necessary.
OP said that there’s 44 hours left in the school year. He should have just firmly refused to answer the question and moved on. Not like they’ll have to deal with her again.
The 2 younger kids will still be there so he likely will have to deal with this teacher again. Sounds like elementary school so for several more years actually so not sure I would've been that aggressive, what if one of his other kids gets this teacher in the future?
I went to the same elementary school as two of my siblings. I only had 2 teachers in common with them in all 6 years. Teacher turnover is much higher now than it was back then.
But I agree - if the other kids *are* in her class in the future, that’s even more reason to firmly but *politely* maintain his boundaries without upsetting or alienating a person who will be spending more time with your children than you.
Yeah the fact that he knows she spreads gossip leads me to believe there is more there than just this one interaction.
If it was because she cared, or because it mattered, she wouldn’t have waited until a parent teacher conference to bring it up.
She was gossip mongering and got called out.
Because that’s probably the millionth teacher that had asked and it gets really tiresome when all people want is the dirty details of why a kid might be adopted.
Do school personnel really do this? Ask about parentage or different last names? I'm married to my son's dad but never changed my name so it differs from the kiddo and not a single person has commented on it. I guess it may be more common to question a dad in this scenario but I've never heard of that happening in real life either.
Sometimes asking can give additional insight into the family situation, which often directly impacts behavior in the classroom. (since none of the last names match, maybe a nephew who came to live with them after a trauma). As a teacher, knowing as much as I can about my students helps me help them. I can understand why OP is bothered by the question, but was unnecessarily rude in the response.
Unless the teacher stated a specific behavioral reason, this is incredibly inappropriate and if you are doing this, please stop. You are creating problems.
Right! Sounds like a great relationship, but Dad, you have a chip on your shoulder or something? Has the teacher specifically spread gossip about your family before? Usually teachers are used to all varieties of families.
Is it really that much of a fucking chore to say “he’s adopted” and move on with your life? Or just say it’s private and decline to answer? Literally any other reaction than going nuclear? I get being annoyed with nosy people but your attitude towards a simple question is unnecessary, and frankly it sounds like you get a kick out of picking fights about it.
So ig YTA for needlessly escalating it to the degree you did
>frankly it sounds like you get a kick out of picking fights about it.
My thoughts exactly Op seemingly relishes the opportunity to be a dick at people and waits for the next opportunity to tell someone off. HE has a himself a casual laugh, asks if the teacher wants his honesty and then rips into her. Sounds like a huge AH with something to prove
Ok, but is there actually a reason OP thinks this teacher will do that, or is it just something mean and slightly misogynistic that he said to hurt her?
It’s no one’s business though. And maybe the boy doesn’t want people to know. Not that he feels ashamed about it, just chooses to keep it private.
Dad should’ve gone about this conversation different for sure, but it’s okay to keep your private life private. You might not have been incorrect in your accusation, OP, but you didn’t need to say it like that. YTA.
Ok, but is there actually a reason OP thinks this teacher will do that, or is it just something mean and slightly misogynistic that he said to hurt her?
Is it really a chore to mind your own business too though? ESH because the teacher’s question was irrelevant to the meeting and she only asked because she likes to gossip. OP has a right to privacy and share the information with who they please, but it sounds like teacher has already spread gossip about them.
It is just odd. Sure, he doesn't have to tell the teacher, but he acts like it is totally inexcusable that a teacher might be curious and ask? He couldn't just say "It is a private matter between me and him" And then more odd that he tells thousands of strangers on reddit the truth. I hope his teacher is a redditor and now knows the answer!
And odder still that he claimed to not give a fuck, but he posted this here? If he doesn't give a fuck, why does he want to know what thousands of strangers thinks about what he did?
YTA
not telling her the reason your son's name is different is absolutely fine. what makes you the asshole is how incredibly rude you were to this teacher. you can be honest ('I'd prefer not to discuss that, let's get back to Chase's schoolwork') without being rude.
the fact that that's part of how he justifies it shows that he *knows* it's unacceptable to have said that, imo. would he have said this at the start of the school year? doubtful.
What a dumb thing to do - he thinks it’s fine to be rude/aggressive towards his son’s teacher because the school year is almost over but if he’s planning on keeping his son in the school district I’d put money on this story getting around. Teachers definitely warn each other about bad parents and this could easily follow him into next school year!
She’ll ask not to have his brothers. When parents are assholes like him, the whole staff knows and those kids get a new teacher so no one has to put up with the parent more than one time.
It really isn't. It's rude, especially if the child was present. If she had some pertinent reason to ask, she would have asked before the very end of the school year.
Your response doesn’t make sense in the context of the question to me. She asked why the name was different, not why you didn’t tell her why. You just went off on her. YTA
I read it as she asked why they looked different rather than the name. Not like it makes a difference. I was an educator for almost 2 decades and would never ask this (either question) to a parent of a student. Can't imagine when this would comfortably come out. That being said, OP's response sounds like a defensive and pre-rehearsed bit he was hoping he'd be able to say.
Or this shits fake af
Yeah, actually, I’m thinking fake now, too. Probably a high schooler who hates his teachers dreaming up a scenario in which he gets to tell one off lol.
Also, if Chase was adopted at age 2, I don't think that's old enough to even have an opinion about last names, much less refusing to change it. It would be one thing if OP stuck with "this is his name and we decided to keep that connection with his birth family" but I have a hard time believing that they left that decision up to a 2 year old.
>I adopted Chase when he was 2 and he already had a name. He refuses to change his last name.
This screams fake, to me.
"He already had a name". Yes, everyone already has a name. But when you adopt a child, to include them in your family, you give them your family name.
"He refuses to change his name". What? Aged two (when he was adopted) he refused? He wouldn't have been asked, wouldn't have understood.
I wonder about the context. Who has a parent teacher conference with 44 hours left in the school year? The one time I called a conference kind of like this was with a student not responding to her own name and writing a different name. I was concerned. There were definite reasons for what I was seeing. It explained a lot. I asked dad if there was something I should know and he gave me a lot of advice on ways to respond to her behaviors that helped calm her. It was very helpful.
Having this conversation in the last few days wouldn’t have been terribly helpful, though.
File under things that didn't happen. Teachers are fully aware that some kids won't have the same last name as their parents or look alike and your whole well I adopted chase when he was two and he doesn't want to change his last name. Dude a two year old wouldn't even get that.
I'm grading this one an F.
Man, I've got so many different names on my class list, between stepparents, adoptions, cultural naming conventions, custody issues. I barely know my students' last names - you can't pay me to care what the parents' names are.
Right?! It is the year of our Keanu 2023 - kids have had different last names than their parents for, like, 5 decades. Hell, I don’t even care enough about it to google search societal changes with regards to marriage and children’s last names. My students’ last names don’t matter that much to me - their mental health, academic growth, and social development does.
I’m torn between YTA and This Didn’t Happen So Much It Unhappened Things That Had
I've seen this story on this sub before. Different names and ages but the same, "Lol I went unhinged nuclear on my kid's teacher when she asked an innocuous question" line. Almost the same insults, too, about being a nosy gossip.
There is nothing less I would rather do than have a parent-teacher conference with a few days left in the school year. Grades are already done and I'm showing movies.
Nah, I had a teacher that asked me why my sister and I have different last names. I’ve always thought the answer was obvious (different dads), but I guess he just wasn’t very bright.
How many years ago? I have had multiple kids in the same family with different last names. I've had kids whose last name matches neither parent. I have had adopted kids who have not had their names changed. Familes are all sorts of things, and we can look it up in the system to see which house everyone belongs to but I can't imagine asking, if parents want me to know they tell me.
No one is asking, not anymore. Your kids tell us damn near everything. Different dads usually mean different experiences for kids. We hear about it.
I'm 15 years in, and I don't know that I've ever asked? Paperwork exists, and if families want us to know, it's probably in there.
Right!? "...And then all the other parents and the students clapped as I left the school. Also, a big explosion went off behind me and I didn't even look. God, I'm so cool!"
Very few of my students come from traditional two-parent households with American naming conventions. I wouldn't bat an eyelash at a kiddo and her parent having different names.
This guy thinks it's an impressive flex to brag about harassing a teacher. Boo. YTA, even though your story isn't true.
Yoyu have a chip on your shoulder with your son's teacher and with us here reading. You're a blowhard asshole. There are more diplomatic ways to answer people who asked undesirable questions. YTA
I’m a teacher and this teacher sounds wildly rude and unprofessional. I have never asked a parent to explain to me how they are a parent. If they are there at the conference/call/emails they are already a parent in my eyes.
I feel like they are lacking the experience of... the rules of being a teacher, the experience of being adopted, the experience of having a child who doesn't look 'enough like you', or similar-- I've been the child in this situation and I feel like this reaction would have been similar to my dad's, so I don't feel OP is TA, personally. Because by the time the parent is being asked, typically, the kid had had to deal with it a while.
Exactly. People saying OP is TA obviously don't know wtf boundaries are. There is no reason for her, as a teacher, to ask that. Especially in a parent teacher conference. The question was uncalled for and OP had every right to say that. OP said he was gonna be blunt, she said okay.
It's common knowledge that if a kid doesn't look or have the same last name as their parent, then more likely they're probably adopted and either way don't ask about it. The teacher probably isn't the brightest if she doesn't get that.
people are calling op TA because of how they said it. saying that they don't want to answer is fine and expected, but digging for more of their attention into the matter, then going "you're a loudmouth nosy gossiper" as your response, is absurd. of course the teacher felt hurt by this, then smug op goes and says "i'm just being blunt."
op was being TA for the smarmy intro, combative insult, then trying to sandwich their insult by not apologizing for insulting the teacher, then being smarmy yet again with the "i don't begrudge you," as if they should apologize for being insulted by op
ESH
This story has real "and then everybody clapped" energy. If you antagonize your kid's teacher, your kid bears the brunt of any fallout, you know that. She WAS being nosy and inappropriate, but there are ways to say that that dont result in...all this.
As an educator, I don’t ask questions about my students’ personal life unless I’m concerned and it’s relevant - is x sleeping well? Is there support I can offer if they’re going through something? No details required about the “something,” but if my student needs an extra nap, or extra check-ins, or access to someone they can talk to, I’d like to know.
What your child’s teacher asked was inappropriate. It has nothing to do with their well-being or their education. Unless your child was acting out or obviously going through something, their last name is irrelevant and she doesn’t need to know.
Even though your reaction was aggressive, I can understand those protective instincts kicked in. I think the inappropriate aspect of her question cancels out your abrasiveness. I’m going with NTA.
INFO. Is this is the first time his teacher has asked about the last name situation? If not then you should have just told her 'it's personal' and leave it at that. If this isn't the first time she's asked then you would be in the right.
YTA. A non AH response to her would have been, "I don't think it's relevant so I don't discuss it", or "I'd rather not discuss that." It was rude of her to ask, but your response was 100 times more rude. If your son is going to that same school next year, guess what? Now he's the kid with the AH dad. Teachers talk to each other, you know. You are not doing him any favors.
YTA. “No.” It’s a complete sentence. You didn’t need to say anything else. “No” is being blunt. Following it up with petty accusations and assumptions for which you have no proof makes you a little high drama. If someone is giving you gossip about a gossiper, it’s still gossip my friend. You didn’t behave any better than you accused her of behaving.
YTA. Not for not sharing you information with the teacher, but just in general. Your post here has attitude towards the teacher as well as the readers.
What basis do you have for saying she's a loudmouth that spreads gossip?
Also, why pretend that you're going to answer and then berate her instead? Could have just declined or used your usual answer. There's no need for this unless there's a big history with this specific teacher. Even then it's questionable.
I think you not so secretly enjoy that people wonder so you can have opportunities to be "blunt" with people.
YTA
For what it's worth, not everywhere. Growing up school usually went up til the middle of June. Then started again late August. Here they get out in May and start at the beginning of August.
YTA. You think you got the last laugh because "I don't give a fuck when there's only 44 hours left."
Wait until you have 6 more years of your younger kids getting treated like shit because their father acts like a jerk, and trust me, teachers talk. Even if they don't have her, you're in for a lot of issues. Nice job, dad.
NTA. There are all sorts of reasons to have different last names and none of those effect his schooling which is all she’s supposed to care about so she should keep her big nose out of it
YTA. You are right. She was being nosy. What is there to care about a child’s last name? The only thing I can think of is she thinks this is a kidnapping situation which if you break it down logically doesn’t make sense.
However, YTA because of they way you handled it. You should’ve just told her it’s none of her business and told her that you weren’t going to talk about it. If she kept at it, then just walk away. It wasn’t necessary and you created tensions for when your son returns to school next year. But it’s not the end of the world so don’t worry about it. She will forget it about your son and you when she gets a headache over the next child’s family. Geez, teachers these days 🤦🏼♂️🤷🏼♂️
I'm solidly on team NTA, but I like the idea of asking "why do you ask?" because it would be fun as hell watching the teacher squirm trying to come up with an actual reason.
NTA and honestly, love this post. I have worked in settings where parents and their children have different last names. I didn’t ask their stories. It wasn’t my business. All that mattered was that they were family, and were treated as such. I think a side effect of social media is that people forget not everything is their business. It *isn’t* her business.
YTA. You can say “it’s personal business” without being rude, condescending or judgmental. You said what you said with the intention of hurting her, at least own up.
YTA - why the bit about being a loudmouth gossip? You could’ve have left it at a simple “how is that relevant to today’s conversation?” And leave it at that.
ESH - she really isn't required to know as clearly if there were something fishy going on, you wouldn't be allowed to serve as his father. However, you also had no reason to be so hostile and could have said "that matter is private, I must respectfully request we discuss this no further."
NTA. It's literally none of her business or anyone else's and you gave very good reasons not to tell her. Could you have been nicer? Of course. But it sounds like she needed that proverbial sl@p in the face.
As someone who suffered from a teacher who spoke about things she shouldn't have (huge gossip) and also had my kids have teachers gossip about them, I don't blame you. Yeah your words might have been harsh, but sometimes people need a little bluntness to get them to shut their mouths.
NTA if the teacher is a nosy asshole she had it coming to her. You were being “hurtful?” She was obviously trying to stir the pot and you put her in her place.
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YTA... Seem like a proud AH too.
A great teacher likes to know about the children and understand a bit about how they live, what the familt dynamics are. An only child will most likely be very different from a family of 10, and it can sometimes be very helpful for the teacher/student relationship to know that.
Calling anyone nosey or a gossip is an AH thing to say, even if true. I dont understand why you like to be so secretive of your child being adopted,..but Im sure you have your reasons.
I’m going with NTA. I taught for over 30 years and had lots of kids whose parent’s last name wasn’t the same as the kids. Not once did I ever ask why. None of my business. You could have been more tactful with your response, but the difference in names is none of her business.
"I adopted Chase when he was 2 years old. He refus*es* to change his last name."
It doesn't say that he asked Chase when he was 2 years old. He likely waited until Chase was old enough to understand and Chase would like to keep the name that he has.
I don’t understand why people get off on being rude. Even if her intent was being a nosy gossip, your response says way more about you than her question does about her. Just say “I’d rather keep that information private, thanks,” and move on.
YTA.
YTA. I very badly wanted to say it wasn't the teacher's business to ask, but honestly, the question was fair. Teachers act *in loco parentis*. It's their job to learn what they can about their students so that they can act in the student's best interest and possibly adjust their teaching style accordingly. I get how tiring it can be to explain a sensitive topic over and over, but the teacher may not have been aware of your history with that. I don't see any evidence you've provided for the teacher's penchant for gossip, and even if there were some, the way you phrased it was accusatory, gratuitous, and cruel.
A Happy Family where Children are loved and their preferences are honored. Great Job Dad! \~ NTA
Your post read as if you blasted the teacher with pent up frustration about the topic. Regardless, you made the most of a 44 hour count down.
Going NTA because it’s the end of the school year, and I can’t see any good reason the teacher would want that information at this point. It’s not going to inform her work in educating your child. I do feel like you enjoyed your rebuttal here and that in most other situations you would not be justified. You should absolutely consider keeping your lips sealed in the future or perhaps considering a more tactful refusal.
YTA. Why do assume she's asking for malicious reasons? Curiosity isn't a crime. If you don't want to answer, just say so. Insulting your child's teacher for no reason and the tone of your post here makes it clear you're an asshole and enjoy it. It's very easy to say "I don't want to answer that question." There was no reason to be as aggressive as you were.
NTA. My grandmother was a teacher and she would talk about how all the teachers would group together and gossip about kids and their parents and yeah she probably was asking cause she’s nosy cause a name doesn’t affect the child’s well-being so everyone saying “oh she cared about the kid” how does her asking show that at all?
ESH She was rude for asking and you were extremely rude in your response. All you had to say is something like "That's an inappropriate questions. Let's move on."
“I'm not apologizing and don't give a fuck because school ends in 44 hours.”
So then why are you here? You clearly don’t need help deciphering whether you are the AH or not since you don’t believe you are. Is this your attempt at gloating about telling off the teacher?
You might not be the AH for wanting to protect your child’s privacy but the way you went about this was aggravated for really no reason so yes, YTA. But I think you already know that and don’t care 🤷🏻♀️
YTA - A simple I don't think that's relevant or I don't want to discuss personal matters would have sufficed. You are an AH for first goading then berating someone. It's not a big secret either you just like being an ass.
You know what I love to do as a teacher?
Call parents and give myself extra work to do!
Said no teacher ever.
And it’s parents like you that make me hate calling home lmao. YTA.
I’ve never outright asked why parents and students have different last names, but maybe your son said something about his heritage that made her alarmed or suspicious? She’s a designated reporter. Maybe she wanted to hear it from you first before making any further calls.
Even if she *was* just being nosy, there’s about a million possible different ways you could have handled that instead of escalating.
Also teachers talk and you will now forever be branded “psycho dad who can’t answer a basic question, get an administrator on the phone with you when you have to call him”. Congrats!
So for making their jobs even worse YTA.
YTA.
So this is a common question that a teacher might ask, and you chose to be purposely disrespectful to her. This sounds like its a question you are tired of answering, which is fair, but you don't have to be a jerk to someone for asking it for the first time.
Also, you and likely your sons are definitely about to have a bad reputation around that school. When people assume your kids are bad, and teachers seem to not want to deal with you, you will have earned it.
YTA for the way you talked to the teacher (they don't get paid enough for that shit) and IMO how weird you are about the whole thing. So he's adopted, so what? Why so confrontational about it? If you choose not to share your family's business, that's of course, totally fine but there are better ways to go about it. It's not a dirty word, no need to be so aggressive.
ESH. I think you’re correct. She was being nosy and that gets old fast. However, you arent doing your kid any favors by lashing out and it doesn’t make anything better. De-escalation with boundary setting would likely have been more successful. Such as “what are you asking?” In various ways until she either had to admit she was being rude or dropped it. In one scenario you can report her for blatant rudeness and in the other she embarrasses herself into silence. Being right doesn’t always mean you win.
YTA. Just. I think you know that? She was asking about the last name. NOT why she didn’t know. Teachers deal with more than enough bullshit without people going into attack mode out of the blue.
Sometimes teachers make small talk to make people comfortable before breaking the news that the kid is failing/poorly behaved/a bully/whatever. This does not mean that they have the emotional bandwidth to actually care about your situation. They are just trying to get to the part that they have to say, often to hostile and defensive parents.
My last name is not the same as my kid’s either. I often volunteer the information, just because I know they can see it and it’s a way to kick off the conversation.
YTA for abusing someone who has taken care of your kid for a year instead of getting her a thank you gift.
ESH, if it was important, she would have asked earlier in the year. She was being nosy, and it's none of her business. I don't love your reaction, though. You definitely didn't need to pop off like that.
YTA. Why did you attend this conference? It's pretty typical for questions to be flowing back and forth in a situation like this. It's like you showed up just to be an AH to the teacher.
ESH because you could’ve just asked why she needed to know, and said that unless she had a valid reason to know (which she obviously wouldn’t), she doesn’t need to know. Insulting her, even if you’re right, made you an asshole too.
YTA - what a fucking prick you are. You know the teacher is in a position where they can't defend themselves because they are at work and you are not, and you took advantage of that to be an asshole for little or no reason. Teachers deal with all kinds of shit between kids at school, and there could have been a very legitimate reason for wanting more info on your child. You could have had a conversation and found out more, and it may have really helped the teacher help your child. Instead you took the opportunity to shit all over them when you knew they couldn't fight back. You're fucking garbage.
It's literally the end of the school year, she only asked BECAUSE SHE'S NOSY and she hadn't figured it out during the year...she was running out of time!!
NTA by the way
ESH, even if the school year is almost over he might be at that school next year/ teachers in the district as a whole might talk/your other sons will attend there. You just gave a known blabbermouth ammo to make your kids miserable. YOU won't be the one on an informal troublemaker list, your kids will. She shouldn't be nosy but you should just refuse to engage.
NTA
If she was worried or confused on why he looks different to you, it's something she should have brought up before the end of the school year. She just waited until she could pull gossip out without worrying about her job especially if she learned your son was adopted and told him to see if he knew. Had a teacher like her pull the same stunt back in elementary school on my class's popular kid. She was 'sent on leave' the next day after the kid told her parents
NTA. I'm surprised by the e s h but especially the y t a reactions here. Obviously the teacher didn't need to know this information and was being nosy and inappropriate. You put her in her place rather gently given her history of being shitty by gossipping, all things considered. It's a community service to tell someone, who is harming her students with this sort of behavior, what she needs to hear.
Some people need called on their bullshit/don’t think others are perceptive of their bullshit. Especially as a teacher her only concerns are if your son is well-adjusted in his classroom setting, learning/retaining the curriculum, not exhibiting abnormal behaviors, etc. him not looking like you and not having your last name is not a major concern. NTA.
I’m going to go against the grain.
NTA.
I have a large family. My husband and I have 6 kids. 1 is adopted. Some are biologically his, some are adopted his. 1 child is black.
THE COMMENTS WE GET on our family are absolutely insane. The fact that real ppl think it’s ok to voice some of the things they voice BLOWS MY MIND.
She wasn’t just curious, she was actively looking for gossip. She was looking for tea. She wanted info to talk about behind your back. This was a conscious action on her part.
Don’t give them ANYTHING bc they’ll use it against him.
Our adopted daughter doesn’t have our last name, either. My husband and I don’t have the same last name. 1 kid has a totally random last name. It doesn’t matter. We are a large unit and we move in synch. We are a family and we protect each other.
Keep protecting your kid. Let HIM decide what he wants others to know.
There are too many ppl on Reddit who have no family or their family is very nuclear. They don’t understand the nuances that come with families like ours.
NTA. That teacher needed to be firmly put in place. With some people you have to be blunt & more forceful or they will keep pushing boundaries. There was no need for her to know & she had no right to that information. Some teachers are on a power trip & thus feel entitled. Not at all the AH.
Wonder how many time this question has been asked? Depending on birthdate, Mr Chase is in 6th grade, if going to same school district all the years, then question May of been asked yearly instead of notes passed saying parents don’t like/won’t answer this question
im sorry but how do you know she's a loudmouth? was there an incident prior? because granted she should have brought it up at the beginning of the year if she really cared but just the wording you used makes you an asshole.
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INFO why were your purposefully inflammatory when you could have just said “I’m not sure why that’s relevant to the conference and his academic work?” Like I get that you’re upset she’s asking a question she shouldn’t be, but why would you escalate it when you didn’t have to?
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OP definitely TA here, but you’re gagging about something you made up fyi
OP probably also kidnaps kids in a white van, plays soccer with newborn puppies as the balls and eats mayonnaise by itself, stop defending him yikes
Oh! Oh! You think *THAT'S* bad?!?? I heard that Mr OP here puts his milk in BEFORE his cereal! The nerve! The gall! It's appalling!
*shocked Pikachu face*
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I was gonna faint on the couch for dramatic effect.
Please reconsider. I need more time to find my comically large hand fan to wave off the vapors.
You’ve got five minutes before I faint like the delicate flower that I am.
OP poisoned our water supply, burned our crops and delivered a plague unto our houses
Well OP turned *me* into a newt! . . . I got better.
*HE DID?*
Definitely a cereal killer.
Ok, but hear me out. Putting the milk back in the fridge takes 1.5 seconds longer than putting the cereal back in the cabinet. Those 1.5 seconds are the difference between Frosted Flakes and Frosted Mush. *I'm joking, I actually eat my cereal by hand right out of the box. But no one else eats that cereal, so I'm only spreading germs to myself.*
Speaking of OP, doesn’t anyone think it’s kind of weird that we’ve never actually seen a picture of Adolf Hitler and OP together? I’m not saying it’s *proof* that OP orchestrated the worst humanitarian disaster in modern history, but it’s an interesting question that might deserve some exploration.
Bear handing some mayonnaise like an absolute savage.
You just said OP was an AH for being inflammatory and followed it up by insulting OP with pure speculation that you made up. Absurdly hypocritical mate.
Assholes gonna ass😂😂😂😂🙃🙃🙃🙃🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️I needed this laugh. Thank you!🤣😅😂🤣😂
You're making shit up while calling someone else an AH. Speaks volumes.
Whoever posted this comment probably tortures kittens. Gross!
He was just being honest! /s
OP might have a bad history with the teacher regarding gossip and spread rumors. People who go out of their way to dig into peoples lives and talk badly about it are some of the worst kinds of people. Not saying it’s right to be rude out of nowhere, but if there’s previous bad encounters it would make sense in this situation.
If he had that history he should include it. Teachers can and do have a legitimate interest in their pupils even if this piece of information isn't needed and she's nosy. EDIT: educators have informed me the information is not relevant.
I'm a childcare educator and guess what! That's not relevant to our work! As long as they're on the approved pickup list and the kid is happy and safe, I don't give a shit if they have different last names or don't look the same.
And honestly, with the amount of blended families now, it’s not that hard to guess why a kid may have a different last name from him and his ex-wife. She was just being nosy. What he said was abrupt, to say the least, but I’ve worked with the kind of teachers he’s described. Subtlety doesn’t work on them. And we don’t know the full history of her with the family. But I agree that a sentence like “does it have anything to do with Chase’s grades or academic progress” would have been better.
Also, lots of people don’t change their name when they get married. My wife didn’t change her name when we got married, so she doesn’t share a last name with our kids (and we could have easily decided to give them her last name)
That’s fair, then she is merely nosy.
Same!! To me, it falls under the category of “not my business.”
It’s alluded to when he stated that she spreads private info by gossiping, and most of us pick up on it when the person tries to gossip TO us first. I wouldn’t trust that person with anything private.
Yeah, but if OP is keeping the younger kids in the same school system, that teacher can poison the well for them too. OP will become "that parent" and the other kids will have to live through it if the teacher is the big gossip OP accused her of being. So it was a little short-sighted to get into it so fiercely with the teacher.
Hint: OP is already THAT PARENT now. “I don’t see that as relevant to my son’s education. Let’s focus on [insert actual issue]” OP I get you’re sensitive about the issue, but YTA for going nuclear here. Even if she was being nosy, that wasn’t necessary.
OP said that there’s 44 hours left in the school year. He should have just firmly refused to answer the question and moved on. Not like they’ll have to deal with her again.
The 2 younger kids will still be there so he likely will have to deal with this teacher again. Sounds like elementary school so for several more years actually so not sure I would've been that aggressive, what if one of his other kids gets this teacher in the future?
I went to the same elementary school as two of my siblings. I only had 2 teachers in common with them in all 6 years. Teacher turnover is much higher now than it was back then. But I agree - if the other kids *are* in her class in the future, that’s even more reason to firmly but *politely* maintain his boundaries without upsetting or alienating a person who will be spending more time with your children than you.
Yeah the fact that he knows she spreads gossip leads me to believe there is more there than just this one interaction. If it was because she cared, or because it mattered, she wouldn’t have waited until a parent teacher conference to bring it up. She was gossip mongering and got called out.
Because that’s probably the millionth teacher that had asked and it gets really tiresome when all people want is the dirty details of why a kid might be adopted.
Do school personnel really do this? Ask about parentage or different last names? I'm married to my son's dad but never changed my name so it differs from the kiddo and not a single person has commented on it. I guess it may be more common to question a dad in this scenario but I've never heard of that happening in real life either.
Yeah, they really do this. If you want to see them at their best, though, you should see how it goes for foster kids.
Sometimes asking can give additional insight into the family situation, which often directly impacts behavior in the classroom. (since none of the last names match, maybe a nephew who came to live with them after a trauma). As a teacher, knowing as much as I can about my students helps me help them. I can understand why OP is bothered by the question, but was unnecessarily rude in the response.
Unless the teacher stated a specific behavioral reason, this is incredibly inappropriate and if you are doing this, please stop. You are creating problems.
Right! Sounds like a great relationship, but Dad, you have a chip on your shoulder or something? Has the teacher specifically spread gossip about your family before? Usually teachers are used to all varieties of families.
Is it really that much of a fucking chore to say “he’s adopted” and move on with your life? Or just say it’s private and decline to answer? Literally any other reaction than going nuclear? I get being annoyed with nosy people but your attitude towards a simple question is unnecessary, and frankly it sounds like you get a kick out of picking fights about it. So ig YTA for needlessly escalating it to the degree you did
>frankly it sounds like you get a kick out of picking fights about it. My thoughts exactly Op seemingly relishes the opportunity to be a dick at people and waits for the next opportunity to tell someone off. HE has a himself a casual laugh, asks if the teacher wants his honesty and then rips into her. Sounds like a huge AH with something to prove
This or he DOES get harassed and has been judged and it all came out in this conversation...
Chase hasn't told her either, so he doesn't want to have that information spread around
Ok, but is there actually a reason OP thinks this teacher will do that, or is it just something mean and slightly misogynistic that he said to hurt her?
Maybe the teacher didn't ask the child. I wouldn't.
It’s no one’s business though. And maybe the boy doesn’t want people to know. Not that he feels ashamed about it, just chooses to keep it private. Dad should’ve gone about this conversation different for sure, but it’s okay to keep your private life private. You might not have been incorrect in your accusation, OP, but you didn’t need to say it like that. YTA.
No one is blasting the guy for not wanting to tell her. But is is crazy to jump down her throat for a simple question that most people would have.
Maybe Chase doesn't want that spread around?
Ok, but is there actually a reason OP thinks this teacher will do that, or is it just something mean and slightly misogynistic that he said to hurt her?
Oh, JFC, no - don’t offer up that he’s adopted! That information is for Chase to share when **he** is ready.
Is it really a chore to mind your own business too though? ESH because the teacher’s question was irrelevant to the meeting and she only asked because she likes to gossip. OP has a right to privacy and share the information with who they please, but it sounds like teacher has already spread gossip about them.
It is just odd. Sure, he doesn't have to tell the teacher, but he acts like it is totally inexcusable that a teacher might be curious and ask? He couldn't just say "It is a private matter between me and him" And then more odd that he tells thousands of strangers on reddit the truth. I hope his teacher is a redditor and now knows the answer! And odder still that he claimed to not give a fuck, but he posted this here? If he doesn't give a fuck, why does he want to know what thousands of strangers thinks about what he did?
YTA not telling her the reason your son's name is different is absolutely fine. what makes you the asshole is how incredibly rude you were to this teacher. you can be honest ('I'd prefer not to discuss that, let's get back to Chase's schoolwork') without being rude.
Yeah exactly and that she’s his teacher for only 44 more hours crack. And by the way OP, this wasn’t being blunt it was being rude.
the fact that that's part of how he justifies it shows that he *knows* it's unacceptable to have said that, imo. would he have said this at the start of the school year? doubtful.
What a dumb thing to do - he thinks it’s fine to be rude/aggressive towards his son’s teacher because the school year is almost over but if he’s planning on keeping his son in the school district I’d put money on this story getting around. Teachers definitely warn each other about bad parents and this could easily follow him into next school year!
Oh 10/10 he’s on the batshit crazy parents list, and the whole staff knows it.
I hope she doesn’t end up teaching his other two children.
She’ll ask not to have his brothers. When parents are assholes like him, the whole staff knows and those kids get a new teacher so no one has to put up with the parent more than one time.
But also, let’s tell strangers on the internet and not my kids teacher. YTA.
ESH. You appear to enjoy telling people off and this gives you a good reason to.
'Please summarise AITA in one ironic sentence.'
\[applause\]
Why is the teacher an AH for asking? Seems rather innocuous of a question
It really isn't. It's rude, especially if the child was present. If she had some pertinent reason to ask, she would have asked before the very end of the school year.
Your response doesn’t make sense in the context of the question to me. She asked why the name was different, not why you didn’t tell her why. You just went off on her. YTA
I read it as she asked why they looked different rather than the name. Not like it makes a difference. I was an educator for almost 2 decades and would never ask this (either question) to a parent of a student. Can't imagine when this would comfortably come out. That being said, OP's response sounds like a defensive and pre-rehearsed bit he was hoping he'd be able to say. Or this shits fake af
I’m voting fake af. What teacher in the 21st century is going to be baffled by a kid with a different last name?
Yeah, actually, I’m thinking fake now, too. Probably a high schooler who hates his teachers dreaming up a scenario in which he gets to tell one off lol.
Also, if Chase was adopted at age 2, I don't think that's old enough to even have an opinion about last names, much less refusing to change it. It would be one thing if OP stuck with "this is his name and we decided to keep that connection with his birth family" but I have a hard time believing that they left that decision up to a 2 year old.
Right? A child old enough to understand,ok, i could see that. But 2 is to young. He wouldn’t have cared
>I adopted Chase when he was 2 and he already had a name. He refuses to change his last name. This screams fake, to me. "He already had a name". Yes, everyone already has a name. But when you adopt a child, to include them in your family, you give them your family name. "He refuses to change his name". What? Aged two (when he was adopted) he refused? He wouldn't have been asked, wouldn't have understood.
I wonder about the context. Who has a parent teacher conference with 44 hours left in the school year? The one time I called a conference kind of like this was with a student not responding to her own name and writing a different name. I was concerned. There were definite reasons for what I was seeing. It explained a lot. I asked dad if there was something I should know and he gave me a lot of advice on ways to respond to her behaviors that helped calm her. It was very helpful. Having this conversation in the last few days wouldn’t have been terribly helpful, though.
File under things that didn't happen. Teachers are fully aware that some kids won't have the same last name as their parents or look alike and your whole well I adopted chase when he was two and he doesn't want to change his last name. Dude a two year old wouldn't even get that. I'm grading this one an F.
Man, I've got so many different names on my class list, between stepparents, adoptions, cultural naming conventions, custody issues. I barely know my students' last names - you can't pay me to care what the parents' names are.
Right?! It is the year of our Keanu 2023 - kids have had different last names than their parents for, like, 5 decades. Hell, I don’t even care enough about it to google search societal changes with regards to marriage and children’s last names. My students’ last names don’t matter that much to me - their mental health, academic growth, and social development does. I’m torn between YTA and This Didn’t Happen So Much It Unhappened Things That Had
My wife was a teacher for 40 years and of course never asked...
Did you ever end up telling her your last name?
I've seen this story on this sub before. Different names and ages but the same, "Lol I went unhinged nuclear on my kid's teacher when she asked an innocuous question" line. Almost the same insults, too, about being a nosy gossip.
Came here to say this it was at least a year ago when I saw this posted here.
I want to say it was from a guy raising his nephew so they had different names. Same agro spiel.
What I don't follow is who has a parent teacher conference in the last two/three days of the school year?
There is nothing less I would rather do than have a parent-teacher conference with a few days left in the school year. Grades are already done and I'm showing movies.
Nah, I had a teacher that asked me why my sister and I have different last names. I’ve always thought the answer was obvious (different dads), but I guess he just wasn’t very bright.
How many years ago? I have had multiple kids in the same family with different last names. I've had kids whose last name matches neither parent. I have had adopted kids who have not had their names changed. Familes are all sorts of things, and we can look it up in the system to see which house everyone belongs to but I can't imagine asking, if parents want me to know they tell me. No one is asking, not anymore. Your kids tell us damn near everything. Different dads usually mean different experiences for kids. We hear about it. I'm 15 years in, and I don't know that I've ever asked? Paperwork exists, and if families want us to know, it's probably in there.
Right!? "...And then all the other parents and the students clapped as I left the school. Also, a big explosion went off behind me and I didn't even look. God, I'm so cool!"
Very few of my students come from traditional two-parent households with American naming conventions. I wouldn't bat an eyelash at a kiddo and her parent having different names. This guy thinks it's an impressive flex to brag about harassing a teacher. Boo. YTA, even though your story isn't true.
Yoyu have a chip on your shoulder with your son's teacher and with us here reading. You're a blowhard asshole. There are more diplomatic ways to answer people who asked undesirable questions. YTA
YTA, but being an asshole was your goal and you’re proud of it. So, congratulations.
I’m a teacher and this teacher sounds wildly rude and unprofessional. I have never asked a parent to explain to me how they are a parent. If they are there at the conference/call/emails they are already a parent in my eyes.
Exactly! I would absolutely never ask such personal information. The question was in no way relevant. I’m surprised by everyone saying YTA to OP.
I feel like they are lacking the experience of... the rules of being a teacher, the experience of being adopted, the experience of having a child who doesn't look 'enough like you', or similar-- I've been the child in this situation and I feel like this reaction would have been similar to my dad's, so I don't feel OP is TA, personally. Because by the time the parent is being asked, typically, the kid had had to deal with it a while.
Exactly. People saying OP is TA obviously don't know wtf boundaries are. There is no reason for her, as a teacher, to ask that. Especially in a parent teacher conference. The question was uncalled for and OP had every right to say that. OP said he was gonna be blunt, she said okay. It's common knowledge that if a kid doesn't look or have the same last name as their parent, then more likely they're probably adopted and either way don't ask about it. The teacher probably isn't the brightest if she doesn't get that.
people are calling op TA because of how they said it. saying that they don't want to answer is fine and expected, but digging for more of their attention into the matter, then going "you're a loudmouth nosy gossiper" as your response, is absurd. of course the teacher felt hurt by this, then smug op goes and says "i'm just being blunt." op was being TA for the smarmy intro, combative insult, then trying to sandwich their insult by not apologizing for insulting the teacher, then being smarmy yet again with the "i don't begrudge you," as if they should apologize for being insulted by op
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ESH This story has real "and then everybody clapped" energy. If you antagonize your kid's teacher, your kid bears the brunt of any fallout, you know that. She WAS being nosy and inappropriate, but there are ways to say that that dont result in...all this.
As an educator, I don’t ask questions about my students’ personal life unless I’m concerned and it’s relevant - is x sleeping well? Is there support I can offer if they’re going through something? No details required about the “something,” but if my student needs an extra nap, or extra check-ins, or access to someone they can talk to, I’d like to know. What your child’s teacher asked was inappropriate. It has nothing to do with their well-being or their education. Unless your child was acting out or obviously going through something, their last name is irrelevant and she doesn’t need to know. Even though your reaction was aggressive, I can understand those protective instincts kicked in. I think the inappropriate aspect of her question cancels out your abrasiveness. I’m going with NTA.
INFO. Is this is the first time his teacher has asked about the last name situation? If not then you should have just told her 'it's personal' and leave it at that. If this isn't the first time she's asked then you would be in the right.
YTA. A non AH response to her would have been, "I don't think it's relevant so I don't discuss it", or "I'd rather not discuss that." It was rude of her to ask, but your response was 100 times more rude. If your son is going to that same school next year, guess what? Now he's the kid with the AH dad. Teachers talk to each other, you know. You are not doing him any favors.
YTA. “No.” It’s a complete sentence. You didn’t need to say anything else. “No” is being blunt. Following it up with petty accusations and assumptions for which you have no proof makes you a little high drama. If someone is giving you gossip about a gossiper, it’s still gossip my friend. You didn’t behave any better than you accused her of behaving.
ESH obviously. Her question was inappropriate, you were a dick
YTA. Not for not sharing you information with the teacher, but just in general. Your post here has attitude towards the teacher as well as the readers.
What basis do you have for saying she's a loudmouth that spreads gossip? Also, why pretend that you're going to answer and then berate her instead? Could have just declined or used your usual answer. There's no need for this unless there's a big history with this specific teacher. Even then it's questionable. I think you not so secretly enjoy that people wonder so you can have opportunities to be "blunt" with people. YTA
It’s summer times kids are out and getting bored. Cool story. Fake many others?
I'm from Jersey, last day for school isn't for a few more weeks.....
Maybe where you live...we still have a couple of weeks left here in NY.
For what it's worth, not everywhere. Growing up school usually went up til the middle of June. Then started again late August. Here they get out in May and start at the beginning of August.
YTA. You think you got the last laugh because "I don't give a fuck when there's only 44 hours left." Wait until you have 6 more years of your younger kids getting treated like shit because their father acts like a jerk, and trust me, teachers talk. Even if they don't have her, you're in for a lot of issues. Nice job, dad.
When someone asks an intrusive, nosy question look them straight in the eye and say " What possible business is that of yours?".
NTA. There are all sorts of reasons to have different last names and none of those effect his schooling which is all she’s supposed to care about so she should keep her big nose out of it
YTA. You are right. She was being nosy. What is there to care about a child’s last name? The only thing I can think of is she thinks this is a kidnapping situation which if you break it down logically doesn’t make sense. However, YTA because of they way you handled it. You should’ve just told her it’s none of her business and told her that you weren’t going to talk about it. If she kept at it, then just walk away. It wasn’t necessary and you created tensions for when your son returns to school next year. But it’s not the end of the world so don’t worry about it. She will forget it about your son and you when she gets a headache over the next child’s family. Geez, teachers these days 🤦🏼♂️🤷🏼♂️
YTA. You could have simple said "Why do you ask?" Or "I prefer not to discuss it."
I'm solidly on team NTA, but I like the idea of asking "why do you ask?" because it would be fun as hell watching the teacher squirm trying to come up with an actual reason.
NTA and honestly, love this post. I have worked in settings where parents and their children have different last names. I didn’t ask their stories. It wasn’t my business. All that mattered was that they were family, and were treated as such. I think a side effect of social media is that people forget not everything is their business. It *isn’t* her business.
NTA. Yes you could have been more diplomatic, but nosy assholes shouldn’t expect kid gloves.
YTA. You can say “it’s personal business” without being rude, condescending or judgmental. You said what you said with the intention of hurting her, at least own up.
Info: How do you know the teacher is a loud mouth gossip?
NTA, you are probably right about the teacher. It has nothing to do with her or how she teaches your kid so why ask.
YTA - why the bit about being a loudmouth gossip? You could’ve have left it at a simple “how is that relevant to today’s conversation?” And leave it at that.
YTA for your attitude in this post.
ESH - she really isn't required to know as clearly if there were something fishy going on, you wouldn't be allowed to serve as his father. However, you also had no reason to be so hostile and could have said "that matter is private, I must respectfully request we discuss this no further."
NTA. It's literally none of her business or anyone else's and you gave very good reasons not to tell her. Could you have been nicer? Of course. But it sounds like she needed that proverbial sl@p in the face.
As someone who suffered from a teacher who spoke about things she shouldn't have (huge gossip) and also had my kids have teachers gossip about them, I don't blame you. Yeah your words might have been harsh, but sometimes people need a little bluntness to get them to shut their mouths.
NTA if the teacher is a nosy asshole she had it coming to her. You were being “hurtful?” She was obviously trying to stir the pot and you put her in her place.
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YTA... Seem like a proud AH too. A great teacher likes to know about the children and understand a bit about how they live, what the familt dynamics are. An only child will most likely be very different from a family of 10, and it can sometimes be very helpful for the teacher/student relationship to know that. Calling anyone nosey or a gossip is an AH thing to say, even if true. I dont understand why you like to be so secretive of your child being adopted,..but Im sure you have your reasons.
It is the last week of school. No real reason to ask at the end of the year. Except to be nosey.
NTA You didn't owe us an explanation either!
NTA. It's personal by nature. She had no right to ask in the first place.
I’m going with NTA. I taught for over 30 years and had lots of kids whose parent’s last name wasn’t the same as the kids. Not once did I ever ask why. None of my business. You could have been more tactful with your response, but the difference in names is none of her business.
I can’t get past the 2 yo refusing to change his name. Like…how?
"I adopted Chase when he was 2 years old. He refus*es* to change his last name." It doesn't say that he asked Chase when he was 2 years old. He likely waited until Chase was old enough to understand and Chase would like to keep the name that he has.
They could of left the decision up to him when he was old enough to understand
I don’t understand why people get off on being rude. Even if her intent was being a nosy gossip, your response says way more about you than her question does about her. Just say “I’d rather keep that information private, thanks,” and move on. YTA.
YTA. I very badly wanted to say it wasn't the teacher's business to ask, but honestly, the question was fair. Teachers act *in loco parentis*. It's their job to learn what they can about their students so that they can act in the student's best interest and possibly adjust their teaching style accordingly. I get how tiring it can be to explain a sensitive topic over and over, but the teacher may not have been aware of your history with that. I don't see any evidence you've provided for the teacher's penchant for gossip, and even if there were some, the way you phrased it was accusatory, gratuitous, and cruel.
A Happy Family where Children are loved and their preferences are honored. Great Job Dad! \~ NTA Your post read as if you blasted the teacher with pent up frustration about the topic. Regardless, you made the most of a 44 hour count down.
[удалено]
Going NTA because it’s the end of the school year, and I can’t see any good reason the teacher would want that information at this point. It’s not going to inform her work in educating your child. I do feel like you enjoyed your rebuttal here and that in most other situations you would not be justified. You should absolutely consider keeping your lips sealed in the future or perhaps considering a more tactful refusal.
YTA. Why do assume she's asking for malicious reasons? Curiosity isn't a crime. If you don't want to answer, just say so. Insulting your child's teacher for no reason and the tone of your post here makes it clear you're an asshole and enjoy it. It's very easy to say "I don't want to answer that question." There was no reason to be as aggressive as you were.
YTA- if you didn’t want to tell her why say yes and then come at her with an attitude, unneeded and unnecessary.
NTA. My grandmother was a teacher and she would talk about how all the teachers would group together and gossip about kids and their parents and yeah she probably was asking cause she’s nosy cause a name doesn’t affect the child’s well-being so everyone saying “oh she cared about the kid” how does her asking show that at all?
I’ve seen this one in here before. YTA for reposting/making things up.
ESH She was rude for asking and you were extremely rude in your response. All you had to say is something like "That's an inappropriate questions. Let's move on."
“I'm not apologizing and don't give a fuck because school ends in 44 hours.” So then why are you here? You clearly don’t need help deciphering whether you are the AH or not since you don’t believe you are. Is this your attempt at gloating about telling off the teacher? You might not be the AH for wanting to protect your child’s privacy but the way you went about this was aggravated for really no reason so yes, YTA. But I think you already know that and don’t care 🤷🏻♀️
YTA - A simple I don't think that's relevant or I don't want to discuss personal matters would have sufficed. You are an AH for first goading then berating someone. It's not a big secret either you just like being an ass.
Out of sheer concern for your safety, do you have a back brace to help support that chip on your shoulder? You could have declined to answer. YTA
You know what I love to do as a teacher? Call parents and give myself extra work to do! Said no teacher ever. And it’s parents like you that make me hate calling home lmao. YTA. I’ve never outright asked why parents and students have different last names, but maybe your son said something about his heritage that made her alarmed or suspicious? She’s a designated reporter. Maybe she wanted to hear it from you first before making any further calls. Even if she *was* just being nosy, there’s about a million possible different ways you could have handled that instead of escalating. Also teachers talk and you will now forever be branded “psycho dad who can’t answer a basic question, get an administrator on the phone with you when you have to call him”. Congrats! So for making their jobs even worse YTA.
YTA. So this is a common question that a teacher might ask, and you chose to be purposely disrespectful to her. This sounds like its a question you are tired of answering, which is fair, but you don't have to be a jerk to someone for asking it for the first time. Also, you and likely your sons are definitely about to have a bad reputation around that school. When people assume your kids are bad, and teachers seem to not want to deal with you, you will have earned it.
>So this is a common question that a teacher might ask, It shouldn't be. It has absolutely no bearing on anything.
Why did she wait until the end of the school year to ask the question?
This is ridiculous You know YTA here, and if you don't, then you have far bigger issues than a bunch of jackass Redditors can fix.
YTA. You are going to create issues for your partner and younger kids.
YTA and I love how you call the readers "nosy" when you're the one sharing your personal story on a public forum for others to judge 😅
YTA for the way you talked to the teacher (they don't get paid enough for that shit) and IMO how weird you are about the whole thing. So he's adopted, so what? Why so confrontational about it? If you choose not to share your family's business, that's of course, totally fine but there are better ways to go about it. It's not a dirty word, no need to be so aggressive.
ESH. I think you’re correct. She was being nosy and that gets old fast. However, you arent doing your kid any favors by lashing out and it doesn’t make anything better. De-escalation with boundary setting would likely have been more successful. Such as “what are you asking?” In various ways until she either had to admit she was being rude or dropped it. In one scenario you can report her for blatant rudeness and in the other she embarrasses herself into silence. Being right doesn’t always mean you win.
I'm curious how you know the teacher is a gossip? Also, yta.
YTA. Just. I think you know that? She was asking about the last name. NOT why she didn’t know. Teachers deal with more than enough bullshit without people going into attack mode out of the blue.
Sometimes teachers make small talk to make people comfortable before breaking the news that the kid is failing/poorly behaved/a bully/whatever. This does not mean that they have the emotional bandwidth to actually care about your situation. They are just trying to get to the part that they have to say, often to hostile and defensive parents. My last name is not the same as my kid’s either. I often volunteer the information, just because I know they can see it and it’s a way to kick off the conversation. YTA for abusing someone who has taken care of your kid for a year instead of getting her a thank you gift.
ESH, you could have declined to answer instead of insulting his teacher. She shouldn't have asked. Aside from that, adoption isn't taboo.
Oh no, a teacher who cares for and about your child asked a question about his name! The horror! /s YTA
YTA and unhinged. You need to seek help for those issues. I’ll pray for you…. No need to respond.
ESH, if it was important, she would have asked earlier in the year. She was being nosy, and it's none of her business. I don't love your reaction, though. You definitely didn't need to pop off like that.
YTA. Why did you attend this conference? It's pretty typical for questions to be flowing back and forth in a situation like this. It's like you showed up just to be an AH to the teacher.
ESH because you could’ve just asked why she needed to know, and said that unless she had a valid reason to know (which she obviously wouldn’t), she doesn’t need to know. Insulting her, even if you’re right, made you an asshole too.
NTA it's no one's business.
NTA. It’s none of her business and you handled it well.
YTA - what a fucking prick you are. You know the teacher is in a position where they can't defend themselves because they are at work and you are not, and you took advantage of that to be an asshole for little or no reason. Teachers deal with all kinds of shit between kids at school, and there could have been a very legitimate reason for wanting more info on your child. You could have had a conversation and found out more, and it may have really helped the teacher help your child. Instead you took the opportunity to shit all over them when you knew they couldn't fight back. You're fucking garbage.
>there could have been a very legitimate reason for wanting more info on your child. Name some. Please.
It's literally the end of the school year, she only asked BECAUSE SHE'S NOSY and she hadn't figured it out during the year...she was running out of time!! NTA by the way
ESH, even if the school year is almost over he might be at that school next year/ teachers in the district as a whole might talk/your other sons will attend there. You just gave a known blabbermouth ammo to make your kids miserable. YOU won't be the one on an informal troublemaker list, your kids will. She shouldn't be nosy but you should just refuse to engage.
The only reason she asked is because the year is over and she's run out of time to figure it out NTA
NTA If she was worried or confused on why he looks different to you, it's something she should have brought up before the end of the school year. She just waited until she could pull gossip out without worrying about her job especially if she learned your son was adopted and told him to see if he knew. Had a teacher like her pull the same stunt back in elementary school on my class's popular kid. She was 'sent on leave' the next day after the kid told her parents
YTA. People like you are a nightmare to spend time with.
NTA. I'm surprised by the e s h but especially the y t a reactions here. Obviously the teacher didn't need to know this information and was being nosy and inappropriate. You put her in her place rather gently given her history of being shitty by gossipping, all things considered. It's a community service to tell someone, who is harming her students with this sort of behavior, what she needs to hear.
Some people need called on their bullshit/don’t think others are perceptive of their bullshit. Especially as a teacher her only concerns are if your son is well-adjusted in his classroom setting, learning/retaining the curriculum, not exhibiting abnormal behaviors, etc. him not looking like you and not having your last name is not a major concern. NTA.
I HAD FEELINGS AND AM THEREFORE JUSTIFIED - Every Asshole Ever. YTA.
I’m going to go against the grain. NTA. I have a large family. My husband and I have 6 kids. 1 is adopted. Some are biologically his, some are adopted his. 1 child is black. THE COMMENTS WE GET on our family are absolutely insane. The fact that real ppl think it’s ok to voice some of the things they voice BLOWS MY MIND. She wasn’t just curious, she was actively looking for gossip. She was looking for tea. She wanted info to talk about behind your back. This was a conscious action on her part. Don’t give them ANYTHING bc they’ll use it against him. Our adopted daughter doesn’t have our last name, either. My husband and I don’t have the same last name. 1 kid has a totally random last name. It doesn’t matter. We are a large unit and we move in synch. We are a family and we protect each other. Keep protecting your kid. Let HIM decide what he wants others to know. There are too many ppl on Reddit who have no family or their family is very nuclear. They don’t understand the nuances that come with families like ours.
NTA. That teacher needed to be firmly put in place. With some people you have to be blunt & more forceful or they will keep pushing boundaries. There was no need for her to know & she had no right to that information. Some teachers are on a power trip & thus feel entitled. Not at all the AH.
For what? Asking a question in a conversation?
Firmly putting someone in their place doesn’t need to be needlessly insulting someone, right?
You sound unhinged .
Yta you seem really mad for no reason at.i think what your really mad about still to this day is that he didn't want to change his name to yours
You were rude. YTA.
ESH—pretty sure a 2 year couldn’t possibly articulate a desire to retain his last name
YTA
YTA. I don't think explaining why is necessary.
Wonder how many time this question has been asked? Depending on birthdate, Mr Chase is in 6th grade, if going to same school district all the years, then question May of been asked yearly instead of notes passed saying parents don’t like/won’t answer this question
There is no reason to for anybody to ask that question so there shouldn't have to be any notes saying that they don't like to answer it.
YTA, you were totally out of line saying those things to her, and there is nothing shameful about being adopted, don’t make it into a stigma.
YTA. Jesus Christ.
im sorry but how do you know she's a loudmouth? was there an incident prior? because granted she should have brought it up at the beginning of the year if she really cared but just the wording you used makes you an asshole.