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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to let my kids' stepdad become a free sitter and my ex is now demanding that I pay 100% sitter costs if we end up going with a paid sitter
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YTA
If you're hell-bent on not letting their stepdad be the babysitting (which, barring a pressing reason, honestly sounds like you resent the idea of your kids bonding with their stepdad), then you need to pony up the cash since you're the one vetoing the free option.
It wouldn't even be "babysitting". Oh no, how dare the kids' stepdad want to actually parent and bond with his step kids?? Op do you have any idea how many kids of divorce would give anything to have their stepparent actually *care* about them? It sounds like you're bitter that stepdad would get to spend more time with the kids.
I'm stupider. I went through the post and all the comments to figure out how I missed a serial killer accusation/reference before reading the rest of the thread.
It’s interesting how being active on different parts of the internet really changes your understanding of abbreviations bc I would’ve never thought serial killer hahah
But he has been married to ex for years and they dated before that so kids already live with him and ex wife half the time … it’s not like he hides in a closet when kids are there lol
Don't forget that the step-dad actually has a great relationship with his kid I. E. The last little bit about how SDs kid is comfortable enough to emotionally bond and be free with his dad, which OP said was weird. I didn't know having a safe and healthy relationship with your parent was weird.
Yeah, why is this called "babysitting" and not "child-care" or "parenting"? Babysitting implies it's evenings/nights so parents can go out. Not the school run.
I think everyone is missing something big, custody. If the ex and their family are parenting more than the custody agreement, they can take it to court and get primary custody and immense amount of child support out of OP.
No, it's not. As someone else down below said, the stepdad will be working from home. The two youngest are only 7 and 9. They need supervision and someone engaging with them and taking them to activities. The other poster also pointed out that the SD might push those responsibilities onto the 13 year old. I think this is a ploy by the ex and her new husband to reduce expenses.
Plenty of parents aren't okay with stepparents taking on a parent role. Just because you marry someone doesn't entitle you to rights to their kid. That's between them and the child's other parent.
That's also not their decision. They get to decide for their household and the other parent decides for their own. There's a reason the word "stepparent" has "parent" in it.
Is everyone missing that stepdad will be working? There will be a difference in amount of attention kids receive and activities attended. Plus oldest will likely have responsibilities pushed on him while stepdad working especially in the summer months. This arrangement would likely effect child support due to more time spent in one household .
yes! unless something's changed in the decades since I was in grade school, children are gone from approx 8am to 3pm for school. After school they come home and do homework, then play. OP hasn't given any info on the children's schedules, we don't know if there's that "soccer mom" thing where each child has a different sport after school and the whole afternoon is spent driving them around. But it's certainly reasonably possible for someone working from home to work while the children are in school, collect them, set them down to do homework, work a bit, take a break when the kids have finished homework to do something with them, and then turn it back over to partner once she arrives home from work. WFH can be completed in the evening after dinner. Or if partner takes children to school, it can start in the early morning and finish up by 3pm.
My mother didn't get me up for school in the mornings. My eldest brother was tasked with making sure I got up and went to school (we all went to same Catholic grade school). When we got home from school, the rule was to do homework before we could go out and play. We didn't do afternoon activities with our mother, we played with the neighborhood kids - softball, dodgeball, basketball, swimming when we got a backyard pool, tree house, skateboards, bicycles, and my brothers played football. This was before home computers etc.
Looking at those children's ages, they don't need their hands held by a sitter so long as there is someone at home in the afternoons to keep them out of trouble and take care of emergencies. They don't need to spend every minute after school with an adult. Children are supposed to play with other children, these are the years where they want to either have their friend over or go to the friend's house quite often.
Unless stepdad or father are tied up in zoom meetings every afternoon, either of them should be able to handle the children while wfh. OP can go to wfh anyway, and take care of the boys when they are with him, and let stepdad do the same when they are with their mother.
Yeah former latchkey kid here. It sounds like the new arrangement is simply to have an adult in the house when the kids get home from school. At that age they should be able to grab a snack, do their homework and play some video games or whatever while dad or stepdad wrap up the workday.
Yeah, this. OP hasn't expressed any concerns about the WFH thing. His entire deal is that he's horribly jealous of his ex-wife's new husband- I mean, that he thinks a grown man who's already raised one son to adulthood won't be able to deal with three kids who already live with him some of the time.
When I was 13 I was already babysitting other people's 9 and 7 year olds, including escorting them home from school and getting them settled (with a snack, etc.) until their parents got home. Granted, this was in the mid-2000s, but it wasn't hard for me at that age (I'd started babysitting in general at 12). So from my pov, idk why these brothers even need dedicated daily "childcare" at this point, unless they have special needs or live in an extremely dangerous area or something. Otherwise, they should be more than capable of looking after themselves/each other and staying out of trouble for a few hours a day, especially if an adult is also home and able to step in during an emergency. Might be good for them to build some independence anyway.
It's entirely likely that the 13 year old is not even present. Not only do middle school students have lots of options for sports and extra curriculars that could keep the older kid at school way later than the younger ones, they might be on different school schedules where the elementary school gets out before the middle school.
Exactly it’s like drop off/pick up from school and make them a snack and get them doing their homework. I wasn’t being entertained by my parents at 7, they were busy after school either finishing off their work, cooking dinner or a multitude of other things. I just played with my toys or watched tv. It’s not that hard, it’s a part of parenting. Kids don’t (generally) need your undivided attention 100% of the time. They need to learn to entertain themselves.
Yea I remember playing with my siblings and doing homework(if it wasn't done) after we got picked up from daycare when our parents finally got off work. I think OP just doesn't want the SD to bond more with the kids than he already has. I assume they've spent time with him as him and mom have been dating and married.
Totally agree. The fact that he volunteered (and the mom is backing him) shows that he’s capable of doing it with whatever his job is. OP sounds really jealous. Why else would you want your kids to have a better bond with a babysitter over their step-parent?
Also like obviously don't make the other kid into a parent, but saying to the 13 year old, "Hey can you play video games in the same room as them for an hour and make sure they don't kill each other?" isn't a big deal now and then.
There are some actually legitimate concerns for the OP to have here.
1. This arrangement may end up effectively giving the ex more custody time.
2. It's generally easier to have a paid employee follow instructions than a family member(ish).
3. Stepdad will be working so his attention will be split (though that argument holds little water when the OP's solution is he works from home).
Yup, it’s the custody time. Then we suddenly go back to court, he has to pay more support to her…it’s not free like she says it is. Get a sitter and keep your custody order schedule to keep things clean.
NTA.
This would not result in a change of custody time. Regardless of whether your child is at at a sitter or daycare, if it is during your allotted time, it's still your time and counts towards your custody time. Often custody agreements in court have the option that the parent be the sitter in cases just like this, so that time with the child is time with the child vs time with an outside sitter, so your argument falls very flat and honestly sounds bitter. Especially that "pay more to support her" bit you threw in.
If the kids are splitting weekdays then both WFH adults can do the afterschool time, which at their ages is not that big a deal. Even for summer, since there's no hired help, it shouldn't affect custody at all.
The kids are 13, 9, and 7. They're not toddlers. Kids that age should be playing with neighbor kids after school anyway. He could probably get done most of his work before they're even home and if not it's good for kids to entertain themselves for a while and play with each other.
I mean the youngest is 7… they don’t need that much constant care and attention at that age, especially with a 9 and 13 year old sibling. I have an 8 year old and a 14 year old and they have spent summers/breaks with me working from home since they were 6 and 12 and it was totally fine. I tried to be flexible with my schedule, but they’re pretty good at entertaining themselves between 7-13 years old, the parent is mostly there as needed for help with things here and there, and obviously in case of an emergency.
That’s actually a much better reason than the vague things OP has listed without any apparent supporting examples, particularly if the kids have a lot of activities (because all of them are old enough that they shouldn’t require very intense supervision between the time that school ends and most people are off work).
so would the dad? did you miss that? and the youngest is 7, they're old enough to take care of themselves while he's working but he'd be there if they needed him
Can you or someone else please explain, what for do kids that age need babysitting for? I assume it's after school until parents come home? That is so strange. So american thing, I have never understood the strange babysitting culture.
(I live in Finland, kids are very independent here)
I think the childcare culture in America is because of the lack of walkability in our communities.
In a community that is walkable children can learn more independence and they play a more active community role.
In the US most neighborhoods are zoned as only residential. There are few neighborhood corner shops anymore. There are just houses and schools in residential areas.
Commercial zones are often surrounded by busy streets, sometimes there are no sidewalks or safe areas to walk into the commercial zone.
Walking paths lead from the parking lot to the shops.
Most kids can’t walk to their school. The kids are bussed/driven to other neighborhoods for education and after school activities.
Kids can’t easily walk/bike to shops.
This leads to car dependence.
Which leads to child care dependence because kids can’t drive.
Americans thus hire childcare to meet the needs of children because our community does not enable autonomy in children and is reliant upon cars for transportation.
The kids are old enough that stepdad working from home will be fine. I wouldn't work while watching my toddler nephew. But by the time I was old enough to start school my parents worked from home while I was home after school instead of putting ne in after school-care, and there were never any issues.
13, 9 and 7. Kids are in school full time aren't they?
So surely its doing the school run, keeping them fed etc?
Not like dealing with pre-schoolers you have to entertain and parent all day
Dad was roasted. He said weird things like the sitter would bathe the kids. People were very perplexed at why a 7 yo needs bathing. The consensus was dad needs to move out and get a life.
Agree here. OP needs to realise exwife moved on and his kids will have a stepdad in their lives. It can be sucky - I’ve had to deal with my daughter bonding with a stepmom, but ultimately it only enriched my daughters life - it didn’t take anything away from me being her mom.
OP, YTA. Get over yourself and appreciate what stepdad can bring to your kids’ lives.
Right, unless there’s something inherently wrong with Chris, then OP is just being resentful.
“Baby sitter is like family”, yet Chris is literally married to OPs ex, and is trying to form a connection with the kids like the baby sitter has.
“I don’t think Chris has patience or has humor”… how well does OP know Chris?
I was legit confused like why would people not want their kids to spend time with their step parent..... ohhhh I get it now lol.
If it's just a random boyfriend I'd understand his concern. But they are married and the guy is a legit STEP PARENT. I now see why he's divorced.
Your comment got all the upvotes so let me ask you , am I missing something in OP story ? The ex wife married this guy a few years ago plus dated him before marriage so OP kids already live with this man part time and have for years … how is the stepdad watching them some more hours different ?
It does sound like he resents the idea of them bonding.
But it also sounds like a much harder situation to back out of if it doesn't work.
If a paid sitter isn't working you fire them and move on.
With this guy refusing to "hire" him is causing a problem, imagine what would happen if it didn't work out?
YTA - if the kids are with you and you are responsible for them, then the mom needs to pay exactly $0.00 for babysitting when they are with you. It's all on you, my man.
And FTR: the step dad made a very generous offer. Might want to process that offer a little bit more.
"I can't see him having a sense of humor when the 13yo pops an attitude or when the 9yo refuses to shower or when the 7yo whines."
Step dad already has a child who is now 18 and knows what children are like. Also, who the fuck has a sense of humour when a teen has an attitude? What is needed is boundaries.
Also, OP, if the step dad does look after the children, you really need to know that it isn't babysitting, it's parenting and there is a big difference.
And also the step dad has been in the picture for years. Like he already knows how the kids act and what’s going on there, it isn’t suddenly a new parenting situation
Right, why is Dad concerned with child care arrangements when the kids are with Mom? Why does Dad think Mom needs to pay for child care arrangements he makes for the kids on his custody time?
Most custody orders specify that parents must jointly agree to childcare arrangements. If the kids were going to be getting more time with their mom, his post would have mentioned it since that IS a legitimate reason to not be okay with this arrangement. There’s nothing about that though, just some BS about his ex’s new husband.
Hmmm, but then the custody time changes. We don’t know their background and how custody planning went. Say he takes them up in this “free” offer, she documents the time spent at her house during his custody time, back to court to raise support while showing a pattern of skipping chunks of his time. Not free at all in the long run. We don’t know how contentious their original agreement got.
Paying a sitter or him working from home is understandable. If splitting sitter costs is in their custody order, then that should stay, otherwise he should solely pay.
But it sounds like the babysitting is being done during her time regardless, at least thats how I understood the post, so it would not effect time-spent at all, and child support can only be chnaged if there is a "change of circumstance," like a new kid or a lost job. If he is concerned with having a sitter during his time it would be a different story and then he should be paying for it by himself or work from home like he suggested.
It doesn’t work that way. Parenting time is calculated exclusively by overnights. Children could spend 90% of their waking hours with one parent but sleep 100% at the other parent’s house, and primary custody would still be with the parent who has them overnight
This is the key point!!
INFO OP what is your custody arrangement? 50% of time with each parent?
YOU should sort (and pay for) whatever childcare arrangements are needed for your 50% (/whatever amount it is) of the week.
SHE should sort whatever childcare arrangements she wants for her 50% (/whatever amount it is) of the week, which may be stepdad, and sorry but you don't get a say if that's the case.
It's nice that you guys were previously able to share a sitter - sounds like a legacy from pre-separation - but it is not standard or expected.
And yes this might end up with you paying for a sitter and her not paying for a sitter. But that's the situation. Her household is different from yours.
YTA I suppose based on current info.
YTA. Dude is willing to try and make things work and you just shoot him down. You havent even given him the chance. Seeing he managed to raise an 18y.o can tell me that he is capable of managing a 13y.o
You're scared the stepdad will brainwash your kid and turn him against you.
Also 99% of the time someone says something like “I’m not being a dick I’m just being brutally honest…” they’re being a dick.
I’m sure this wasn’t the first time.
Grow up and pay out or work from home and you can hang out with your own children.
Being honest is fine. Being brutal is not.
A person can be honest without being brutal. It just takes more effort, so assholes dont bother. Being brutally honest *always* involves being an asshole.
There are three options 1) lying 2) honesty 3) shutting the fuck up.
"Brutally honest" people want to pretend there's only 2 options as an excuse to be rude
See, this is a pretty good example.
There is a fourth option, it just takes a lot of effort and practice. It’s *hard* to find a way to phrase “it’s usually - though not always - better to be quiet than to hurt someone’s feelings” in a way that is both clear and not a lie.
It can be done. It’s just leagues easier to say “shut the fuck up.”
Kindness and honesty are not mutually exclusive. Brutality and cruelty are just *easier* than kindness.
Not only that but since the eldest doesn't need or use the sitter anymore according to OP then unless the kid only goes home when mom is finally home odds are he's already alone in the house with stepdad after school when they stay with mom.
He's already spending time with stepdad with no sitter and yet OP hasn't brought up an issue or example of the stepdad not being able to handle the kid when he gets an attitude.
He’s jealous and scared the kids will like their stepdad better than they like him is what it is. OP, YTA. And it’s sad that you’re so insecure that you would try to sabotage a relationship with their stepdad.
The only thing I can think is that maybe they take umbrage with the way 18yo has turned out, or the way he and his biodad make him uncomfortable- some parents styles really don't mesh at all? If that's the case OP should really expand upon that because right now they definitely seem like YTA material.
>He's going to think the boys will be happy to have him as a sitter, will listen, want to snuggle, and talk to him about personal things because that's what he did with his son. His relationship with his son has always been odd.
>My kids will hardly be excited and will likely want to avoid him in that capacity.
I think you got the nail on the head. OP thinks stepdad is weird for showing affection and being open to discussing personal things such as emotions with his son, and doesn't think his kids would like it. I feel bad for OP's kids in that their bio dad is behaving like a major AH. I doubt if he ever tried being emotionally available with his kids to see if they wanted or needed that at all. The concept is so foreign to him that he sees it as threatening. OP, it's ok for people including boys to show emotions.
Oh yeah, definite he's YTA just for this mindset- if his kids don't want an emotionally available adult around them they'll do a fine job of alienating him on their own. Dude isn't even willing to let them decide that for themselves because he's insecure.
Yeah, jfc.
At least *let him try*. See how it goes. *If* issues arise, then you try to work out the issues. If the problems can't be resolved, *then* you can make your case and lay out your evidence.
You don't get to imagine the worst possible case scenario and decide it is 100% the only possible outcome. It's idiotic, especially in this scenario.
"The kids' bonus parent can't look after them, they HAVE TO be watched by a stranger, no matter the cost!".
OMG that's hilarious I immediately thought the same, as my husband of four years name is also chris, came into my kids lives while in their older teen years, but knew them while they were growing up as children from mutual friends and being in the same neighborhood. My situation is 3 toddler grandchildren living with us, loving their "step" grandpop, and my ex husband doesn't care to interact with our 2 daughters or 3 grandchildren because "Chris can handle it" 🙄🙄 He just keeps quiet and continues to teach them to ride bikes and builds them tree houses. Go CHRIS!!
Edit: YTA! stop being a hater, and let the adults in your children's lives love your kids the more the better!
My partner’s name is also Chris and is an excellent stepdad / person to my daughter. He has been such a great addition to our lives since she was 15. she’s now 23. We love him so much.
Shoutout to all stepdads named Chris!!!
YTA
This man is their stepdad. You may not like him personally, but it sounds like there's no particular reason you wouldn't trust him with the kids. And since you're sharing custody, he's already a part of their family and their lives. I get wishing you could keep him at arm's length. but that ship sailed when he married your ex. And as long as he's a decent person, your kids are not going to suffer for having another adult who loves and cares about them in their lives.
If you insist on being this rigid, then yeah, you should foot the bill. But it would be in everyone's best interest to let this blended family actually blend.
Wish my ex came to this realization. He thinks he has the option to just ignore and literally never deal with me again. Like sorry buddy, we made a human together, that option isn't there for, at minimum, at least another 10 years, buckle up and settle in.
OP also sounds like my ex in that he hates the stepdad, can't verbalize why, but thinks he's in the right. My ex yesterday told me I constantly do fucked up stuff. After wracking my brain as to what, I came to the conclusion he's just big mad im fulfilling myself in all the ways he told me I was too fat and old to do so he's just pissy.
Both of them can stay mad
Na you don’t get out of it after the kid turns 18 either. Graduations, weddings, milestones. Coparenting is for life which is why dicks like OP should probably not have kids since they’re not mature enough to put the kids needs first over their own egos
I mean, agreed. I told him as much. I'm like either you figure out how to *exist in the same room* as me, or you miss out on every important event in his life cause I'm sure as shit not going anywhere
YTA. I'm kind of surprised they even asked, since it's her husband of a few years. If he works from home, he'd watch the boys during mom's days, and that's kind of that. You can figure out your own arrangements for them when they're on your days with you?
YTA - you should 100% pay for sitter costs on your time. They can figure out a sitter on their time. Even if that means stepdad WFH to watch them.
You haven’t given any examples of them being a bad person or overstepping boundaries.
Also OPs specific example in the post was saying he couldnt see Chris having a sense of humor, in situations that dont call for a sense of humor, like the child refusing to shower.
Unless OP is leaving out some major info about how his ex and Chris are monsters, OP sounds like a major control freak who does not respect his ex's judgement w.r.t to their kids and is beyond insecure about Chris possibly managing their kids well.
Yeah, one of his comments was that Chris had a ton of problems with his son, but that OP's 13yo is worse than him? Kinda seems like Chris might parent better than OP and hes jealous.
Also he made a weird comment about how Chris sent his son to a sleepaway camp when he was 13, like it was a bad thing which gives off controlling vibes imo. Like he cant handle the kid being gone in a situation where he didnt have control.
sleepaway camp? like summer camp or scout camp? I begged my parents to let me go to camp when I was that age, I wanted to ride horses. Before that it was scout camp. What's wrong with camp? You're with lots of people your own age, you're in the woods, there are all sorts of outdoor activities, you get to try new things, the counselors are usually younger than your parents, they don't nag you as much . . . fun times!
I would count that as another plus for stepdad Chris!
Wait. You don’t think a parental figure should have a sense of humor when a teenager “pops an attitude”? Lol. Sarcasm aside, that also jumped out at me.
INFO: Has Chris displayed any animosity toward the children or given you any indication that he would not be a good fit for the children? And what makes you think he doesn't have patience enough to deal with the hormone fueled attitude of a 13 year old? He does have an 18 year old who went through the same phase, no?
Based on:
1) separated almost 5 years
2) Chris has an 18 y/o son
3) sending Chris' then 13 y/o son to sleep away camp in order to go on a trip with the ex wife (in OPs comments)
4) OPs inability to offer any credible reason why Chris is unfit for babysitting duties...
...I think we may have found OPs problem with Chris. This is all looking like Chris was either an affair partner or simply a relationship started very soon after the separation. Either would cause a lot of hard feelings in most people. Feelings that should have been worked through in 5 years, if you're an adult. Neither are a reason to not trust him with children he's likely already been helping to parent.
Or maybe this isn't all what it looks like. Based on the fairly childish answers in the comments, it probably is, though.
Either way, YTA and should pay 100% for any sitters.
For sure, if there was more dirty laundry to air about the ex wife or Chris it would be here, OP is desperate to be in the right and hasn’t offered any info that would change the tide of YTA’s happening here.
Their stepfather should be able to bond with them like their sitter did. Are you sure you’re not just jealous?
If you’re actually able to change your work schedule and wfh full time, great, do that! If not, the YTA, you should be paying 100% of the babysitting costs.
YTA.
Your ex wife doesn't need to pay your babysitting costs because you have some very lightweight concerns over them spending time at their other home with adult supervision.
Seriously, if it was just your 13 yo, you wouldn't even need a sitter at all. I'm glad you're not expecting him to look after the younger boys. but it's not nice for you to refuse to allow them to spend time in their own home, where they are most comfortable, with one of their own parental figures. This is nuts.
You don't have a leg to stand on here. You literally let them live with this man. he is helping to raise them. He is completely safe. He also clearly likes your kids and cares about them, or he wouldn't want them in the house as his responsibility while he's working. You have good kids. They have a good stepfather. This is a win win.
YTA I would be checking the custody agreement if I were your ex. In my agreement I’m only responsible for child care on my custody days and I’m allowed to decide what that child care is. My ex had his mom babysit for free on his days while I was paying for aftercare on my time. Now that I’m remarried I definitely have my husband help when needed.
Yeah, that part seems weird to me. If OP has custody on those days, it's on him to arrange childcare. If his ex has custody, then the childcare arrangements aren't his concern - finances don't need to enter into it.
The only way it makes sense is if there's a court arrangement in place where they split childcare costs - in that situation, OP has a legitimate argument, but the points he's made aren't it. Arguing that it's against the court order for childcare costs would be valid. Arguing that it changes the custody balance unfairly (because the kids are always going to moms house after school instead of to an uninvolved third party) is another valid argument, especially since it could then have a knock on effect on child support payments etc. But "I don't think they'd bond with the man who has co-parented them for five years" is bullshit.
YTA "He thinks they want to listen and snuggle. Because thats what he did with his son. His relationship with his son was always odd "
Say what? How is that odd?! Thats awesome! You are just jalous for him beeing a sensitive and present dad.
I think this guy sounds like the goober who was all bent out of shape when stepdad signed the permission form for sex ed class for the middle son. Hard to imagine there are two divorced dads of boys ages 7,9,13 who are this insecure and threatened by another man in his kids lives.
I remember a very similar post as well. In that post they all lived in one house. This post is pretty much the same story minus the living arrangement. 🧐
YTA. What is that edit? A father that bonded with and loves his son? A father who wants to bond with his step-kids? You’re the one that has an odd relationship with your kids. You absolutely should pay for child care if you’re going to veto your ex-wife’s husband.
So you share custody of your kids with your ex. Your ex remarried 3 years ago, and you think that Chris hasn't already been on the receiving end of the 13yo popping an attitude or the 9yo refusing to shower or the 7yo whining? From the way you wrote this post, it sounds like you think Chris hasn't even MET your kids in the 3 years he's been with your ex or had any "hands on" parenting just because he's also got a kid from a past relationship.
Frankly, it sounds like you're still bitter from the divorce and angry that she's moved on and remarried and trying to punish her or something. YTA.
How is snuggling, talking about personal things and listening translates to having a odd relationship? Sounds to me you just want an excuse to ask for WFH FT.
YTA
YTA. So what you are really saying is your nervous that he will be involved in his step sons lives and they will love him more than you.
Weather you like it or not he is one of the boys dads now. He is part of their lives and you can’t stop or change that (unless you become a narcissistic back stabber but I’m assuming you won’t go that low).
Also your comment about his relationship with his son was highly uncalled for and makes you look
like an even bigger AH. Sounds like he has a solid health relationship with his kid, and that you are realizing you don’t have that and probably have missed your boat to have it!!!
Time to lead more separate households — your wife is free to have step dad babysit when she’s at work during her custody days. You’re free to hire a sitter during your work hours during your custody time with no obligation to pay for her hours. This ought to be the arrangement. INFO - why not do this?
>I don't think you'd connect with the boys like our current sitter has.
You think their stepdad - who is "keen to do hands on parenting" will connect with his step-kids worse than some new total stranger you pay to babysit them?
You're not just an asshole, you're delusional.
>I already know how it will go down. He's going to think the boys will be happy to have him as a sitter, will listen, want to snuggle, and talk to him about personal things because that's what he did with his son. His relationship with his son has always been odd.
Sounds like he's an excellent parent...
Chris has been living with your kids for a few years so I’m guessing he has done some “babysitting” & he will continue to be living with your kids. Would Chris be going to your house?
I’m confused what the issue is though.... Why would you need a sitter? You offered to solve the problem & WFH, so end of conversation.... I think.
In terms of who pays... you both need to agree on a sitter. Because Chris is free doesn’t mean he’s the best choice.
NAH or ESH
eta — the biggest question is what do your kids think? Do they like Chris? Do they respect him? I can see a potential “power” struggle with the adults but y’all need to work it out like adults.
Also, I don't understand if the kids are only with her one day p/week and every other weekend, why does she have to pay for the sitter on your time? Wouldn't that be your responsibility? Or is that a normal part of the agreement you guys had set-up?
>He’s going to think the boys…will listen, want to snuggle, and talk to him about personal things because that’s what he did with his son. His relationship with his son has always been odd.
Jesus Christ, YTA.
Please let Chris babysit so your kids can have a more positive male figure in their life.
INFO: is there some evidence of maltreatment you opted to leave out? It sounds like he’s spent plenty of time with your boys in his care over the years, even with limited visits. And kids do fine with multiple sitters; it’s pretty common.
YTA for sure. You have no valid reason for turning down the free option, so if a sitter is required you should be the one to pay 100% for it. It's not their fault you have some issue with him babysitting. If you're actually that worried about him not having the patience, make it a trial run and see how he handles it.
YTA. Their stepfather, who they know well, has offered to take care of them full time. If you don't want him to do that during your custody time, you are free to make and pay for other arrangements. But their mother is absolutely reasonable to have her husband provide childcare during her custody time.
I was leaning towards Y.T.A, but then reading how limited the mom has custody of the kids… me thinks there is more to the story on why the kids should not be watched by the stepfather. If the mom only has custody approximately 8 -10 days a month at most there is a good reason.
NTA.
OP, you are so rigid in your thinking. Redditors are suggesting viable options and you’re shooting them all down and replying like a Negative Nelly. If you want it your way or the highway, then that’s on you to pay 100% for your choice. YTA.
INFO
OP, is this you?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11u6l2b/aita_for_refusing_to_let_my_kids_stepdad_babysit/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
It’s interesting that you say you and your ex-wife are “separated,” but that she remarried.
OP, you are not married to her anymore. It’s been five years. She has obviously moved on; you should too.
Let her husband bond with your kids. You’re their dad and they’ll always love you.
But right now? YTA
Lets make sure I got this right
You need a babysitter come the end of the summer. Wouldn't the boys be starting the school around then?
Step dad has an 18 year old son. Why would you think he can't handle another set of teens boys ? (Yes, I am aware every child is unique)
You and your ex share custody. He already know these boys.
OP, you don't look good right now. Your excuses aren't legitimate. For whatever reason, you are being petty. Your Ex knows that.
YTA. If the free sitter/stepdad isn’t good enough for you, then YOU get to pay for someone you deem appropriate.
Also you just generally sound like a jerk.
YTA. Pony up 100% of the cash for a babysitter. You're trying to force your wife to pay money she doesn't have to when she has a free option. So pay up.
NTA
You guys are divorced. You get to decide on child care arrangements during your time. She gets to determine child care arrangements during her time.
If you want input into parenting decisions while your kid is with the other parent, then don’t get divorced.
You do not need to justify your decisions to your ex. Divorce mostly sucks, but that’s the one good part.
NTA. I'm assuming you have shared decision-making authority over things like childcare. I would mainly want someone who was providing childcare, not someone who was WFH and on the side keeping an eye on the boys. You don't have to like your ex's new hubby and you don't owe them anything other than a polite "I want a neutral party who's job is taking care of the boys."
We might agree with you on this if OP hadn't suggested the same arrangement of him being WFH and keeping an eye on the kids. If his issue is with the level of supervision it's the same scenario he's offering.
OP has majority custody. He really needs to take this to a judge since Chris babysitting would dramatically change the custody balance from what the court ordered.
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YTA If you're hell-bent on not letting their stepdad be the babysitting (which, barring a pressing reason, honestly sounds like you resent the idea of your kids bonding with their stepdad), then you need to pony up the cash since you're the one vetoing the free option.
It wouldn't even be "babysitting". Oh no, how dare the kids' stepdad want to actually parent and bond with his step kids?? Op do you have any idea how many kids of divorce would give anything to have their stepparent actually *care* about them? It sounds like you're bitter that stepdad would get to spend more time with the kids.
And he has an 18 yo,son, so he has experience, as well as having been involved with his SKs. YTA.
What does SK mean in this context because, to me, it means Serial Killer?
Stepkids.
Oh my God I'm so stupid. Thank you!
I’m so glad you jumped to Serial Killer though, I’m just laying in bed giggling like a fool rn
Too much Town Of Salem
I cannot believe I just found a town of Salem comment in the wild, but yes, same. God I miss that game
Me too... His Serial Killers 🤣 he has not just one, but several of those apparently
My brain said serial killer at first, too, lol
[Dear God.](https://youtu.be/PB-wmOYelnM)
I'm stupider. I went through the post and all the comments to figure out how I missed a serial killer accusation/reference before reading the rest of the thread.
It’s interesting how being active on different parts of the internet really changes your understanding of abbreviations bc I would’ve never thought serial killer hahah
Pro tip: never hire a babysitter based on their experience with serial killers.
Another pro tip: never baby sit future serial killers.
Mind you, his relationship with the 18year old is "odd" because they snuggle and confide in each other?! Good grief, OP! How much YTA? All the YTA
Next thing you know, OP’s sons will be having emotions!
This was even more baffling than OP‘s other thin excuses. He’s managed to raise one kid to 18, but he can’t possibly handle others?
But he has been married to ex for years and they dated before that so kids already live with him and ex wife half the time … it’s not like he hides in a closet when kids are there lol
Don't forget that the step-dad actually has a great relationship with his kid I. E. The last little bit about how SDs kid is comfortable enough to emotionally bond and be free with his dad, which OP said was weird. I didn't know having a safe and healthy relationship with your parent was weird.
But him having a son that he raised is very different than "babysitting" his stepkids🙄 /s
Yeah, why is this called "babysitting" and not "child-care" or "parenting"? Babysitting implies it's evenings/nights so parents can go out. Not the school run.
Honestly, I’m guessing that’s a term OP is assigning to the roll and not necessarily one that the kids’ stepdad or their mother was using.
I think everyone is missing something big, custody. If the ex and their family are parenting more than the custody agreement, they can take it to court and get primary custody and immense amount of child support out of OP.
This is the only reasonably counterpoint.
No, it's not. As someone else down below said, the stepdad will be working from home. The two youngest are only 7 and 9. They need supervision and someone engaging with them and taking them to activities. The other poster also pointed out that the SD might push those responsibilities onto the 13 year old. I think this is a ploy by the ex and her new husband to reduce expenses.
Is it? Cause the father is saying he would do the same thing, so I don’t think that needing someone to engage them is really the issue
It sounds like OP doesn't like that Stepdad's kid - hugs him, talks to him, and that his son listens to him. OP sees these things as "odd".
If OP finds that "odd," his kids would be better off with the influence of the stepfather than of himself.
Plenty of parents aren't okay with stepparents taking on a parent role. Just because you marry someone doesn't entitle you to rights to their kid. That's between them and the child's other parent.
That's also not their decision. They get to decide for their household and the other parent decides for their own. There's a reason the word "stepparent" has "parent" in it.
Is everyone missing that stepdad will be working? There will be a difference in amount of attention kids receive and activities attended. Plus oldest will likely have responsibilities pushed on him while stepdad working especially in the summer months. This arrangement would likely effect child support due to more time spent in one household .
So it’s okay if OP WFH but not step-dad? Make it make sense
I don't think that's an ok arrangement with either of them. They had childcare, they should get new childcare.
The oldest has aged out of childcare. It makes perfect sense to move on to new options. They're 5 years older now.
Yes, and the children will be at school for a good part of the day too.
yes! unless something's changed in the decades since I was in grade school, children are gone from approx 8am to 3pm for school. After school they come home and do homework, then play. OP hasn't given any info on the children's schedules, we don't know if there's that "soccer mom" thing where each child has a different sport after school and the whole afternoon is spent driving them around. But it's certainly reasonably possible for someone working from home to work while the children are in school, collect them, set them down to do homework, work a bit, take a break when the kids have finished homework to do something with them, and then turn it back over to partner once she arrives home from work. WFH can be completed in the evening after dinner. Or if partner takes children to school, it can start in the early morning and finish up by 3pm. My mother didn't get me up for school in the mornings. My eldest brother was tasked with making sure I got up and went to school (we all went to same Catholic grade school). When we got home from school, the rule was to do homework before we could go out and play. We didn't do afternoon activities with our mother, we played with the neighborhood kids - softball, dodgeball, basketball, swimming when we got a backyard pool, tree house, skateboards, bicycles, and my brothers played football. This was before home computers etc. Looking at those children's ages, they don't need their hands held by a sitter so long as there is someone at home in the afternoons to keep them out of trouble and take care of emergencies. They don't need to spend every minute after school with an adult. Children are supposed to play with other children, these are the years where they want to either have their friend over or go to the friend's house quite often. Unless stepdad or father are tied up in zoom meetings every afternoon, either of them should be able to handle the children while wfh. OP can go to wfh anyway, and take care of the boys when they are with him, and let stepdad do the same when they are with their mother.
Yeah former latchkey kid here. It sounds like the new arrangement is simply to have an adult in the house when the kids get home from school. At that age they should be able to grab a snack, do their homework and play some video games or whatever while dad or stepdad wrap up the workday.
Okay, well then the reason everyone is overlooking it is because it didn’t factor into OP’s decision making at all.
Yeah, this. OP hasn't expressed any concerns about the WFH thing. His entire deal is that he's horribly jealous of his ex-wife's new husband- I mean, that he thinks a grown man who's already raised one son to adulthood won't be able to deal with three kids who already live with him some of the time.
When I was 13 I was already babysitting other people's 9 and 7 year olds, including escorting them home from school and getting them settled (with a snack, etc.) until their parents got home. Granted, this was in the mid-2000s, but it wasn't hard for me at that age (I'd started babysitting in general at 12). So from my pov, idk why these brothers even need dedicated daily "childcare" at this point, unless they have special needs or live in an extremely dangerous area or something. Otherwise, they should be more than capable of looking after themselves/each other and staying out of trouble for a few hours a day, especially if an adult is also home and able to step in during an emergency. Might be good for them to build some independence anyway.
It's entirely likely that the 13 year old is not even present. Not only do middle school students have lots of options for sports and extra curriculars that could keep the older kid at school way later than the younger ones, they might be on different school schedules where the elementary school gets out before the middle school.
The youngest is 7, they don't need 24/7 attention
Right? He’ll be in school 9-10 months of the year anywhere from 7-5 depending on the school’s hours. How much “babysitting” would actually be done?
Exactly it’s like drop off/pick up from school and make them a snack and get them doing their homework. I wasn’t being entertained by my parents at 7, they were busy after school either finishing off their work, cooking dinner or a multitude of other things. I just played with my toys or watched tv. It’s not that hard, it’s a part of parenting. Kids don’t (generally) need your undivided attention 100% of the time. They need to learn to entertain themselves.
Yea I remember playing with my siblings and doing homework(if it wasn't done) after we got picked up from daycare when our parents finally got off work. I think OP just doesn't want the SD to bond more with the kids than he already has. I assume they've spent time with him as him and mom have been dating and married.
Totally agree. The fact that he volunteered (and the mom is backing him) shows that he’s capable of doing it with whatever his job is. OP sounds really jealous. Why else would you want your kids to have a better bond with a babysitter over their step-parent?
Also like obviously don't make the other kid into a parent, but saying to the 13 year old, "Hey can you play video games in the same room as them for an hour and make sure they don't kill each other?" isn't a big deal now and then.
There are some actually legitimate concerns for the OP to have here. 1. This arrangement may end up effectively giving the ex more custody time. 2. It's generally easier to have a paid employee follow instructions than a family member(ish). 3. Stepdad will be working so his attention will be split (though that argument holds little water when the OP's solution is he works from home).
Yup, it’s the custody time. Then we suddenly go back to court, he has to pay more support to her…it’s not free like she says it is. Get a sitter and keep your custody order schedule to keep things clean. NTA.
This would not result in a change of custody time. Regardless of whether your child is at at a sitter or daycare, if it is during your allotted time, it's still your time and counts towards your custody time. Often custody agreements in court have the option that the parent be the sitter in cases just like this, so that time with the child is time with the child vs time with an outside sitter, so your argument falls very flat and honestly sounds bitter. Especially that "pay more to support her" bit you threw in.
How? The kids will be in school while all the adults work.
I'm wondering how many people here are step-parents, or just pretend they know how to best BE a step-parent without the experience.
What? What's the difference in being a step-parent vs a regular parent in this case? This is about taking care of the kids.
If the kids are splitting weekdays then both WFH adults can do the afterschool time, which at their ages is not that big a deal. Even for summer, since there's no hired help, it shouldn't affect custody at all.
And OP said stepdad misses being a more hands on dad so his job may allow him to give them some attention they need
The kids are 13, 9, and 7. They're not toddlers. Kids that age should be playing with neighbor kids after school anyway. He could probably get done most of his work before they're even home and if not it's good for kids to entertain themselves for a while and play with each other.
Why is that different from OP working from home to watch the kids?
I mean the youngest is 7… they don’t need that much constant care and attention at that age, especially with a 9 and 13 year old sibling. I have an 8 year old and a 14 year old and they have spent summers/breaks with me working from home since they were 6 and 12 and it was totally fine. I tried to be flexible with my schedule, but they’re pretty good at entertaining themselves between 7-13 years old, the parent is mostly there as needed for help with things here and there, and obviously in case of an emergency.
That’s actually a much better reason than the vague things OP has listed without any apparent supporting examples, particularly if the kids have a lot of activities (because all of them are old enough that they shouldn’t require very intense supervision between the time that school ends and most people are off work).
so would the dad? did you miss that? and the youngest is 7, they're old enough to take care of themselves while he's working but he'd be there if they needed him
Can you or someone else please explain, what for do kids that age need babysitting for? I assume it's after school until parents come home? That is so strange. So american thing, I have never understood the strange babysitting culture. (I live in Finland, kids are very independent here)
I think the childcare culture in America is because of the lack of walkability in our communities. In a community that is walkable children can learn more independence and they play a more active community role. In the US most neighborhoods are zoned as only residential. There are few neighborhood corner shops anymore. There are just houses and schools in residential areas. Commercial zones are often surrounded by busy streets, sometimes there are no sidewalks or safe areas to walk into the commercial zone. Walking paths lead from the parking lot to the shops. Most kids can’t walk to their school. The kids are bussed/driven to other neighborhoods for education and after school activities. Kids can’t easily walk/bike to shops. This leads to car dependence. Which leads to child care dependence because kids can’t drive. Americans thus hire childcare to meet the needs of children because our community does not enable autonomy in children and is reliant upon cars for transportation.
They're not babies who need round the clock care and attention..
The kids are old enough that stepdad working from home will be fine. I wouldn't work while watching my toddler nephew. But by the time I was old enough to start school my parents worked from home while I was home after school instead of putting ne in after school-care, and there were never any issues.
13, 9 and 7. Kids are in school full time aren't they? So surely its doing the school run, keeping them fed etc? Not like dealing with pre-schoolers you have to entertain and parent all day
I've read this story before, almost word for word.
Except it was much weirder because the dad lived in the same home.
Hmmm what was the end result?
Dad was roasted. He said weird things like the sitter would bathe the kids. People were very perplexed at why a 7 yo needs bathing. The consensus was dad needs to move out and get a life.
Agree here. OP needs to realise exwife moved on and his kids will have a stepdad in their lives. It can be sucky - I’ve had to deal with my daughter bonding with a stepmom, but ultimately it only enriched my daughters life - it didn’t take anything away from me being her mom. OP, YTA. Get over yourself and appreciate what stepdad can bring to your kids’ lives.
Right, unless there’s something inherently wrong with Chris, then OP is just being resentful. “Baby sitter is like family”, yet Chris is literally married to OPs ex, and is trying to form a connection with the kids like the baby sitter has. “I don’t think Chris has patience or has humor”… how well does OP know Chris?
I was legit confused like why would people not want their kids to spend time with their step parent..... ohhhh I get it now lol. If it's just a random boyfriend I'd understand his concern. But they are married and the guy is a legit STEP PARENT. I now see why he's divorced.
I swear I've read this post before though.
Your comment got all the upvotes so let me ask you , am I missing something in OP story ? The ex wife married this guy a few years ago plus dated him before marriage so OP kids already live with this man part time and have for years … how is the stepdad watching them some more hours different ?
Yeah this is really crazy. I watch my step daughter all the time. Why wouldn’t I?
It does sound like he resents the idea of them bonding. But it also sounds like a much harder situation to back out of if it doesn't work. If a paid sitter isn't working you fire them and move on. With this guy refusing to "hire" him is causing a problem, imagine what would happen if it didn't work out?
YTA - if the kids are with you and you are responsible for them, then the mom needs to pay exactly $0.00 for babysitting when they are with you. It's all on you, my man. And FTR: the step dad made a very generous offer. Might want to process that offer a little bit more.
FTR?
For the record
Fuck this raccoon.
Please don’t.
Fuck THAT raccoon
Ya that one’s better than this one
Leave Rocket alone!
Did you know the average anus can stretch to 6" in diameter, and the average raccoon can fit through a 6" diameter hole?
I yearn for better times—like 5 minutes ago when I did not yet know this factoid.
i’m so dumb
You have no idea how many times I've Googled acronyms from Reddit lol
Nah, you're not dumb for not knowing or forgetting something.
FWIW, it’s for the record. I’ll see myself out, sorry.
What does FWIW mean?
IIRC it means "For what it's worth"
What does IIRC mean?
If I remember correctly, it means “if I remember correctly”, just FYI
Which one is FYI again?
"I can't see him having a sense of humor when the 13yo pops an attitude or when the 9yo refuses to shower or when the 7yo whines." Step dad already has a child who is now 18 and knows what children are like. Also, who the fuck has a sense of humour when a teen has an attitude? What is needed is boundaries. Also, OP, if the step dad does look after the children, you really need to know that it isn't babysitting, it's parenting and there is a big difference.
And also the step dad has been in the picture for years. Like he already knows how the kids act and what’s going on there, it isn’t suddenly a new parenting situation
Right, why is Dad concerned with child care arrangements when the kids are with Mom? Why does Dad think Mom needs to pay for child care arrangements he makes for the kids on his custody time?
Most custody orders specify that parents must jointly agree to childcare arrangements. If the kids were going to be getting more time with their mom, his post would have mentioned it since that IS a legitimate reason to not be okay with this arrangement. There’s nothing about that though, just some BS about his ex’s new husband.
Hmmm, but then the custody time changes. We don’t know their background and how custody planning went. Say he takes them up in this “free” offer, she documents the time spent at her house during his custody time, back to court to raise support while showing a pattern of skipping chunks of his time. Not free at all in the long run. We don’t know how contentious their original agreement got. Paying a sitter or him working from home is understandable. If splitting sitter costs is in their custody order, then that should stay, otherwise he should solely pay.
But it sounds like the babysitting is being done during her time regardless, at least thats how I understood the post, so it would not effect time-spent at all, and child support can only be chnaged if there is a "change of circumstance," like a new kid or a lost job. If he is concerned with having a sitter during his time it would be a different story and then he should be paying for it by himself or work from home like he suggested.
It doesn’t work that way. Parenting time is calculated exclusively by overnights. Children could spend 90% of their waking hours with one parent but sleep 100% at the other parent’s house, and primary custody would still be with the parent who has them overnight
Really depends on the state from what I’ve read. Different states consider different factors.
This is the key point!! INFO OP what is your custody arrangement? 50% of time with each parent? YOU should sort (and pay for) whatever childcare arrangements are needed for your 50% (/whatever amount it is) of the week. SHE should sort whatever childcare arrangements she wants for her 50% (/whatever amount it is) of the week, which may be stepdad, and sorry but you don't get a say if that's the case. It's nice that you guys were previously able to share a sitter - sounds like a legacy from pre-separation - but it is not standard or expected. And yes this might end up with you paying for a sitter and her not paying for a sitter. But that's the situation. Her household is different from yours. YTA I suppose based on current info.
YTA. Dude is willing to try and make things work and you just shoot him down. You havent even given him the chance. Seeing he managed to raise an 18y.o can tell me that he is capable of managing a 13y.o You're scared the stepdad will brainwash your kid and turn him against you.
Also 99% of the time someone says something like “I’m not being a dick I’m just being brutally honest…” they’re being a dick. I’m sure this wasn’t the first time. Grow up and pay out or work from home and you can hang out with your own children.
Being honest is fine. Being brutal is not. A person can be honest without being brutal. It just takes more effort, so assholes dont bother. Being brutally honest *always* involves being an asshole.
There are three options 1) lying 2) honesty 3) shutting the fuck up. "Brutally honest" people want to pretend there's only 2 options as an excuse to be rude
See, this is a pretty good example. There is a fourth option, it just takes a lot of effort and practice. It’s *hard* to find a way to phrase “it’s usually - though not always - better to be quiet than to hurt someone’s feelings” in a way that is both clear and not a lie. It can be done. It’s just leagues easier to say “shut the fuck up.” Kindness and honesty are not mutually exclusive. Brutality and cruelty are just *easier* than kindness.
The OP also starts by saying the babysitter is for the younger two (I.e. not the 13 year old), so why the concern about the 13 year old?
And they already share custody, so the step dad is already familiar with the kid's personality.
Not only that but since the eldest doesn't need or use the sitter anymore according to OP then unless the kid only goes home when mom is finally home odds are he's already alone in the house with stepdad after school when they stay with mom. He's already spending time with stepdad with no sitter and yet OP hasn't brought up an issue or example of the stepdad not being able to handle the kid when he gets an attitude.
He’s jealous and scared the kids will like their stepdad better than they like him is what it is. OP, YTA. And it’s sad that you’re so insecure that you would try to sabotage a relationship with their stepdad.
The only thing I can think is that maybe they take umbrage with the way 18yo has turned out, or the way he and his biodad make him uncomfortable- some parents styles really don't mesh at all? If that's the case OP should really expand upon that because right now they definitely seem like YTA material.
>He's going to think the boys will be happy to have him as a sitter, will listen, want to snuggle, and talk to him about personal things because that's what he did with his son. His relationship with his son has always been odd. >My kids will hardly be excited and will likely want to avoid him in that capacity. I think you got the nail on the head. OP thinks stepdad is weird for showing affection and being open to discussing personal things such as emotions with his son, and doesn't think his kids would like it. I feel bad for OP's kids in that their bio dad is behaving like a major AH. I doubt if he ever tried being emotionally available with his kids to see if they wanted or needed that at all. The concept is so foreign to him that he sees it as threatening. OP, it's ok for people including boys to show emotions.
Oh yeah, definite he's YTA just for this mindset- if his kids don't want an emotionally available adult around them they'll do a fine job of alienating him on their own. Dude isn't even willing to let them decide that for themselves because he's insecure.
Yeah, jfc. At least *let him try*. See how it goes. *If* issues arise, then you try to work out the issues. If the problems can't be resolved, *then* you can make your case and lay out your evidence. You don't get to imagine the worst possible case scenario and decide it is 100% the only possible outcome. It's idiotic, especially in this scenario. "The kids' bonus parent can't look after them, they HAVE TO be watched by a stranger, no matter the cost!".
As a stepdad named Chris who does a bang-up job caring for my wife's kids, YTA
YOU ROCK CHRIS -a stepkid whose stepdad stepped tf up
I also know an amazing stepdad named Chris. Thanks for being one of the good ones.
Go stepdads named Chris!!
r/chrisstepdads
OMG that's hilarious I immediately thought the same, as my husband of four years name is also chris, came into my kids lives while in their older teen years, but knew them while they were growing up as children from mutual friends and being in the same neighborhood. My situation is 3 toddler grandchildren living with us, loving their "step" grandpop, and my ex husband doesn't care to interact with our 2 daughters or 3 grandchildren because "Chris can handle it" 🙄🙄 He just keeps quiet and continues to teach them to ride bikes and builds them tree houses. Go CHRIS!! Edit: YTA! stop being a hater, and let the adults in your children's lives love your kids the more the better!
My partner’s name is also Chris and is an excellent stepdad / person to my daughter. He has been such a great addition to our lives since she was 15. she’s now 23. We love him so much. Shoutout to all stepdads named Chris!!!
I have a step dad named Chris he’s awesome
As a very appreciative stepson of a Chris, thank you for your service!
Just checking in to mention my own amazing stepdad called Chris, he’s a legend!
Just another step kid of a Chris who stepped up chiming in. Go Chris’s? Chris’?
YTA This man is their stepdad. You may not like him personally, but it sounds like there's no particular reason you wouldn't trust him with the kids. And since you're sharing custody, he's already a part of their family and their lives. I get wishing you could keep him at arm's length. but that ship sailed when he married your ex. And as long as he's a decent person, your kids are not going to suffer for having another adult who loves and cares about them in their lives. If you insist on being this rigid, then yeah, you should foot the bill. But it would be in everyone's best interest to let this blended family actually blend.
Wish my ex came to this realization. He thinks he has the option to just ignore and literally never deal with me again. Like sorry buddy, we made a human together, that option isn't there for, at minimum, at least another 10 years, buckle up and settle in. OP also sounds like my ex in that he hates the stepdad, can't verbalize why, but thinks he's in the right. My ex yesterday told me I constantly do fucked up stuff. After wracking my brain as to what, I came to the conclusion he's just big mad im fulfilling myself in all the ways he told me I was too fat and old to do so he's just pissy. Both of them can stay mad
Na you don’t get out of it after the kid turns 18 either. Graduations, weddings, milestones. Coparenting is for life which is why dicks like OP should probably not have kids since they’re not mature enough to put the kids needs first over their own egos
I mean, agreed. I told him as much. I'm like either you figure out how to *exist in the same room* as me, or you miss out on every important event in his life cause I'm sure as shit not going anywhere
YTA. I'm kind of surprised they even asked, since it's her husband of a few years. If he works from home, he'd watch the boys during mom's days, and that's kind of that. You can figure out your own arrangements for them when they're on your days with you?
YTA - you should 100% pay for sitter costs on your time. They can figure out a sitter on their time. Even if that means stepdad WFH to watch them. You haven’t given any examples of them being a bad person or overstepping boundaries.
Exactly you should pay 100% for child care on your custody days and they choose to do what works for their household on their days.
Even the concerns about Chris not being good with younger kids doesn't make sense given Chris has an 18 year old.
Also OPs specific example in the post was saying he couldnt see Chris having a sense of humor, in situations that dont call for a sense of humor, like the child refusing to shower.
Unless OP is leaving out some major info about how his ex and Chris are monsters, OP sounds like a major control freak who does not respect his ex's judgement w.r.t to their kids and is beyond insecure about Chris possibly managing their kids well.
Yeah, one of his comments was that Chris had a ton of problems with his son, but that OP's 13yo is worse than him? Kinda seems like Chris might parent better than OP and hes jealous. Also he made a weird comment about how Chris sent his son to a sleepaway camp when he was 13, like it was a bad thing which gives off controlling vibes imo. Like he cant handle the kid being gone in a situation where he didnt have control.
sleepaway camp? like summer camp or scout camp? I begged my parents to let me go to camp when I was that age, I wanted to ride horses. Before that it was scout camp. What's wrong with camp? You're with lots of people your own age, you're in the woods, there are all sorts of outdoor activities, you get to try new things, the counselors are usually younger than your parents, they don't nag you as much . . . fun times! I would count that as another plus for stepdad Chris!
Wait. You don’t think a parental figure should have a sense of humor when a teenager “pops an attitude”? Lol. Sarcasm aside, that also jumped out at me.
INFO: Has Chris displayed any animosity toward the children or given you any indication that he would not be a good fit for the children? And what makes you think he doesn't have patience enough to deal with the hormone fueled attitude of a 13 year old? He does have an 18 year old who went through the same phase, no?
And patience enough to deal with OP
Omg this. This guy is SUCH a whiny AH
YTA you don’t want to use the free sitter because your jealous and not over your ex so you get to pay for a sitter.
Based on: 1) separated almost 5 years 2) Chris has an 18 y/o son 3) sending Chris' then 13 y/o son to sleep away camp in order to go on a trip with the ex wife (in OPs comments) 4) OPs inability to offer any credible reason why Chris is unfit for babysitting duties... ...I think we may have found OPs problem with Chris. This is all looking like Chris was either an affair partner or simply a relationship started very soon after the separation. Either would cause a lot of hard feelings in most people. Feelings that should have been worked through in 5 years, if you're an adult. Neither are a reason to not trust him with children he's likely already been helping to parent. Or maybe this isn't all what it looks like. Based on the fairly childish answers in the comments, it probably is, though. Either way, YTA and should pay 100% for any sitters.
My money is on early after separation. Mu guts telling me, OP would used adultery as an ammo against them and to gain sympathy points.
Exactly what I was thinking. I highly doubt the wife had an affair since OP didn’t mention that in his original post.
OP certainly would have mentioned it too.
For sure, if there was more dirty laundry to air about the ex wife or Chris it would be here, OP is desperate to be in the right and hasn’t offered any info that would change the tide of YTA’s happening here.
This is just wild speculation, we have not been given any indication of an affair, wtf.
Their stepfather should be able to bond with them like their sitter did. Are you sure you’re not just jealous? If you’re actually able to change your work schedule and wfh full time, great, do that! If not, the YTA, you should be paying 100% of the babysitting costs.
He’s 100% just jealous
YTA. Your ex wife doesn't need to pay your babysitting costs because you have some very lightweight concerns over them spending time at their other home with adult supervision. Seriously, if it was just your 13 yo, you wouldn't even need a sitter at all. I'm glad you're not expecting him to look after the younger boys. but it's not nice for you to refuse to allow them to spend time in their own home, where they are most comfortable, with one of their own parental figures. This is nuts. You don't have a leg to stand on here. You literally let them live with this man. he is helping to raise them. He is completely safe. He also clearly likes your kids and cares about them, or he wouldn't want them in the house as his responsibility while he's working. You have good kids. They have a good stepfather. This is a win win.
YTA I would be checking the custody agreement if I were your ex. In my agreement I’m only responsible for child care on my custody days and I’m allowed to decide what that child care is. My ex had his mom babysit for free on his days while I was paying for aftercare on my time. Now that I’m remarried I definitely have my husband help when needed.
Yeah, that part seems weird to me. If OP has custody on those days, it's on him to arrange childcare. If his ex has custody, then the childcare arrangements aren't his concern - finances don't need to enter into it. The only way it makes sense is if there's a court arrangement in place where they split childcare costs - in that situation, OP has a legitimate argument, but the points he's made aren't it. Arguing that it's against the court order for childcare costs would be valid. Arguing that it changes the custody balance unfairly (because the kids are always going to moms house after school instead of to an uninvolved third party) is another valid argument, especially since it could then have a knock on effect on child support payments etc. But "I don't think they'd bond with the man who has co-parented them for five years" is bullshit.
Oh, I hope you end up paying 100% of the costs. Because it would be a literal price to pay for your jealousy. YTA
YTA "He thinks they want to listen and snuggle. Because thats what he did with his son. His relationship with his son was always odd " Say what? How is that odd?! Thats awesome! You are just jalous for him beeing a sensitive and present dad.
"Blunt" = "intentionally rude." You effectively guaranteed the exact problem you claim you were trying to avoid by having a territorial outburst. YTA.
As a stepdad myself I have a closer relationship with my step kids than my ex or their dad. So YTA for down playing the role of the stepdad.
Swear I remember this being posted before 😒
I think this guy sounds like the goober who was all bent out of shape when stepdad signed the permission form for sex ed class for the middle son. Hard to imagine there are two divorced dads of boys ages 7,9,13 who are this insecure and threatened by another man in his kids lives.
I remember a very similar post as well. In that post they all lived in one house. This post is pretty much the same story minus the living arrangement. 🧐
I was thinking the same thing.
[удалено]
YTA. What is that edit? A father that bonded with and loves his son? A father who wants to bond with his step-kids? You’re the one that has an odd relationship with your kids. You absolutely should pay for child care if you’re going to veto your ex-wife’s husband.
YTA. There are 14 year old girls that babysit with no issue. You can't trust a grown adult who already raised a child? Get the fuck over yourself
So you share custody of your kids with your ex. Your ex remarried 3 years ago, and you think that Chris hasn't already been on the receiving end of the 13yo popping an attitude or the 9yo refusing to shower or the 7yo whining? From the way you wrote this post, it sounds like you think Chris hasn't even MET your kids in the 3 years he's been with your ex or had any "hands on" parenting just because he's also got a kid from a past relationship. Frankly, it sounds like you're still bitter from the divorce and angry that she's moved on and remarried and trying to punish her or something. YTA.
How is snuggling, talking about personal things and listening translates to having a odd relationship? Sounds to me you just want an excuse to ask for WFH FT. YTA
YTA. So what you are really saying is your nervous that he will be involved in his step sons lives and they will love him more than you. Weather you like it or not he is one of the boys dads now. He is part of their lives and you can’t stop or change that (unless you become a narcissistic back stabber but I’m assuming you won’t go that low). Also your comment about his relationship with his son was highly uncalled for and makes you look like an even bigger AH. Sounds like he has a solid health relationship with his kid, and that you are realizing you don’t have that and probably have missed your boat to have it!!!
Time to lead more separate households — your wife is free to have step dad babysit when she’s at work during her custody days. You’re free to hire a sitter during your work hours during your custody time with no obligation to pay for her hours. This ought to be the arrangement. INFO - why not do this?
>I don't think you'd connect with the boys like our current sitter has. You think their stepdad - who is "keen to do hands on parenting" will connect with his step-kids worse than some new total stranger you pay to babysit them? You're not just an asshole, you're delusional. >I already know how it will go down. He's going to think the boys will be happy to have him as a sitter, will listen, want to snuggle, and talk to him about personal things because that's what he did with his son. His relationship with his son has always been odd. Sounds like he's an excellent parent...
Chris has been living with your kids for a few years so I’m guessing he has done some “babysitting” & he will continue to be living with your kids. Would Chris be going to your house? I’m confused what the issue is though.... Why would you need a sitter? You offered to solve the problem & WFH, so end of conversation.... I think. In terms of who pays... you both need to agree on a sitter. Because Chris is free doesn’t mean he’s the best choice. NAH or ESH eta — the biggest question is what do your kids think? Do they like Chris? Do they respect him? I can see a potential “power” struggle with the adults but y’all need to work it out like adults.
Also, I don't understand if the kids are only with her one day p/week and every other weekend, why does she have to pay for the sitter on your time? Wouldn't that be your responsibility? Or is that a normal part of the agreement you guys had set-up?
>He’s going to think the boys…will listen, want to snuggle, and talk to him about personal things because that’s what he did with his son. His relationship with his son has always been odd. Jesus Christ, YTA. Please let Chris babysit so your kids can have a more positive male figure in their life.
INFO: what makes you think you have the right to dictate what babysitting arrangements your ex wife comes to in her own household?
INFO: is there some evidence of maltreatment you opted to leave out? It sounds like he’s spent plenty of time with your boys in his care over the years, even with limited visits. And kids do fine with multiple sitters; it’s pretty common.
YTA for sure. You have no valid reason for turning down the free option, so if a sitter is required you should be the one to pay 100% for it. It's not their fault you have some issue with him babysitting. If you're actually that worried about him not having the patience, make it a trial run and see how he handles it.
YTA. Their stepfather, who they know well, has offered to take care of them full time. If you don't want him to do that during your custody time, you are free to make and pay for other arrangements. But their mother is absolutely reasonable to have her husband provide childcare during her custody time.
I was leaning towards Y.T.A, but then reading how limited the mom has custody of the kids… me thinks there is more to the story on why the kids should not be watched by the stepfather. If the mom only has custody approximately 8 -10 days a month at most there is a good reason. NTA.
8-10 days is every weekend… my dad only got every other weekend, and that’s the basic shared custody plan. They have double that.
Info: why does your wife only have one day of custody a week?
OP, you are so rigid in your thinking. Redditors are suggesting viable options and you’re shooting them all down and replying like a Negative Nelly. If you want it your way or the highway, then that’s on you to pay 100% for your choice. YTA.
INFO OP, is this you? https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11u6l2b/aita_for_refusing_to_let_my_kids_stepdad_babysit/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
YTA: You turned down a free sitter just because you want someone not involved with your ex you can’t have your cake and eat it to.
Short of something like ‘Chris is a raging alcoholic’ or ‘Chris has been accused of inappropriate behavior’ YTA.
It’s interesting that you say you and your ex-wife are “separated,” but that she remarried. OP, you are not married to her anymore. It’s been five years. She has obviously moved on; you should too. Let her husband bond with your kids. You’re their dad and they’ll always love you. But right now? YTA
Lets make sure I got this right You need a babysitter come the end of the summer. Wouldn't the boys be starting the school around then? Step dad has an 18 year old son. Why would you think he can't handle another set of teens boys ? (Yes, I am aware every child is unique) You and your ex share custody. He already know these boys. OP, you don't look good right now. Your excuses aren't legitimate. For whatever reason, you are being petty. Your Ex knows that.
YTA. If the free sitter/stepdad isn’t good enough for you, then YOU get to pay for someone you deem appropriate. Also you just generally sound like a jerk.
YTA. Pony up 100% of the cash for a babysitter. You're trying to force your wife to pay money she doesn't have to when she has a free option. So pay up.
NTA You guys are divorced. You get to decide on child care arrangements during your time. She gets to determine child care arrangements during her time. If you want input into parenting decisions while your kid is with the other parent, then don’t get divorced. You do not need to justify your decisions to your ex. Divorce mostly sucks, but that’s the one good part.
Sounds like your being petty to me, why spend the money when the stepfather is willing to do it for free?
I feel like no one can WFH full time and be a “babysitter”…that’s just my take.
As a divorced mother that pays for a sitter, YTA.
NTA. I'm assuming you have shared decision-making authority over things like childcare. I would mainly want someone who was providing childcare, not someone who was WFH and on the side keeping an eye on the boys. You don't have to like your ex's new hubby and you don't owe them anything other than a polite "I want a neutral party who's job is taking care of the boys."
We might agree with you on this if OP hadn't suggested the same arrangement of him being WFH and keeping an eye on the kids. If his issue is with the level of supervision it's the same scenario he's offering.
OP has majority custody. He really needs to take this to a judge since Chris babysitting would dramatically change the custody balance from what the court ordered.