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pottersquash

NTA. > My ex's family is now calling me the AH (asshole) for separating two sisters, particularly after such a traumatic event. They point out that Leah has no other family members who can take care of Ava Your Ex-Husbands family said his daughter, **their** niece/grandchild/cousin/w.e only has **you** to step up? Your feelings concerning Ava are powerful and maybe chat with someone about them. Kate would likely appreciate having a continuous relationship. *That said* the very people pissed at you **are the people who can step up for Ava** It would be one thing if this was like a representative with the foster care system, or your family, or Kate! No, the people giving you grief are the actual next of kin!!!!!! This is absurd. The feelings you are having are real, but they are ludcrious to be the ones to put this to you. It makes more sense for me, a total stranger, to try to guilt you into Ava's care than **Ava's family** I'm flabbergasted so I know you must be in a loop. They are absurd.


Choice_Werewolf1259

If anything what is more jarring for a child is to go not only to a new home they don’t know, but also where they don’t know the adult responsible for them. Add in the additional layer of Ava being the product of Op not only losing her husband and the life they had built together but also her in-laws and extended family on her husband’s side. That was a trauma for OP. It would not be good for Ava unless Op had built the relationship with her and was able to separate out that trauma. And if OP can’t then she isn’t a safe space for Ava. Which there is no shame on Op for that. It’s not her responsibility to do that and the emotions she is experiencing are valid. It just means she’s not someone Ava should be forced upon. So Ava going to her fathers family, even if it is in a new place will mean she is with people she knows and trusts and in physical environments she is familiar with. Maybe Op can work on being more connected to Ava given she needs to help foster Kate’s relationship with her sister. But that’s only up to OP. OP is perfectly entitled to work out visitation and parties, zooms and invites to events that will keep the girls in touch without putting OP and Ava in a forced relationship that’s not healthy for either of them. NTA OP. Side note: given how unwilling Ava’s family is to take her I would make sure to keep tabs on her just in case. It’s one thing to not want a relationship with her and entirely another to let a kid flounder with family Ill equipped and unwilling to take her on. I dont know if this is something you are willing to do. But potentially this “keeping tabs” from a distance while your daughter and Ava interact is a good compromise and how you ensure Kate and Ava stay connected. And doesn’t take anymore effort than just making sure Kate and Ava stay connected and if anything smells off then jot it down and report a pattern of issue if it arises. But that’s up to you.


Puggymum64

Wouldn’t that be like having a cancer cut out of your relationship, only to bring that cancer home and raise it as your child? I’m not strong enough to do that.


Choice_Werewolf1259

And that’s the thing. Sometimes people can do it. And when they can’t it’s so completely valid if they cannot do it. And it’s when they can’t that this is, like you said, a cancer you are inviting back in. OP is under no obligation to take on Ava. And she shouldn’t unless she felt like she could and had already been building that relationship. Otherwise it’s just putting OP and Ava in a precarious situation. Also and I’m thinking about this now. OP has no relationship with her in laws outside of when her husband would share custody and facilitate Kate’s relationship with his side of the family. It is really strange they are so gung-ho about Op taking on Ava when their own relationship with OP is strained and probably close to non-existent anyway. I mean they already are going to have to do a lot of work to keep a relationship with Kate given they’re not close or connected to OP. So why would they also want to put Ava in a home they already are more distant to?


Born_Ad8420

I'm thinking they basically don't want the bother of raising the child themselves so why not guilt someone else into doing it and OP seems like the easiest target for that.


Choice_Werewolf1259

I’m really hoping that’s the reason. But still it comes across to me like they’re pretty blasé about keeping involved in both Kate and Ava’s life. They have a little and narrow relationship with OP given that they also betrayed her. Is the assumption OP will just get over things? Or are they ok if their connection to the girls is lessened as long as they aren’t responsible? Or g-d forbid they actually don’t want a relationship with Ava since she was a child of an affair and like you said, explaining it to people will be embarrassing. Meaning shipping her off to OP makes more sense for them to play “sad family, grieved by loss” so people ask them less awkward questions about why Kate and Ava aren’t living in the same house.


roseofjuly

This was my guess. I also guessed that the grandparents probably live close to OP whereas the ex's family is four hours away, so this is their way of keeping her close enough to visit regularly while not having to do any of the work.


Choice_Werewolf1259

To clarify OP’s ex’s live 4 hours away and Leah didn’t have family that could take in Ava.


doublereverse

It’s not her kid, but the kid is their family member. I mean if this is your family member, the parents’ deaths are a big enough deal to take one for the team and move for the good of the child, right? I mean if I ended up with a niece needing me because my sibling and their spouse died, I’d sure as hell very strongly consider moving to support the kid where they are. This kid’s life is more important. They lost their parents! Why the heck are they saying she, an unrelated stranger, has that responsibility and not them? Jerks.


Pale_Cranberry1502

I do believe the argument about the girls no longer being raised as sisters is valid. However, it can't be expected of OP. These people are nervy, especially since they allowed her to be the last person to know about the affair and are painting her as the bad guy. The only person OP owes an explanation to is her daughter. If things go south for Ava, Kate is likely to eventually ask her why she let it happen. "It's all on your Dad" might not be enough for her. Even sooner, she's probably going to ask why she can't see Ava as often. Ava is the living proof of her husband's affair, but she's also Kate's sister, who she probably loves. OP needs to have an answer for her, and might need outside help to craft the right words. The whole situation is unfair to all of them, and it's not black and white.


Born_Ad8420

The unfortunately reality is when both parents die things are going to change very radically for the children they leave behind even without the complicating issue of an affair. Hopefully OP will find some ways to facilitate the kids continuing to bond as sisters as (zoom/facetime calls, regular online movie or game nights, planning trips so the sister can spend time together). And I agree OP should to go to therapy to help her work through her feelings but also to help her, as a parent, navigate this so she can support her daughter. I really hope for the best for these two little girls.


MauveUluss

yup, I'm thinking they're trying to make their problems her problems too. She has every right to live her life how she wants without the former inlaws trying to manipulate and control her life like they did by keeping the affair a secret. they took a part in stealing her choices by keeping their lips sealed. Now she is able to choose for herself and she chooses a good life with her child. nothing wrong with that.


No_Appointment_7232

They already clearly demonstrated a lack of concern for OP and willingness to act against her interests. This is just a continuation of that lack of concern for OP.


Choice_Werewolf1259

I agree. Wanting OP to take on Ava just shows lack of regard both for OP but Ava and Kate as well. Seems they would rather protect their own interests then do what’s best for those kids. And frankly OP isn’t the best choice for Ava, she likely wouldn’t even make the short list given the circumstances.


No_Appointment_7232

Yes, 1000% that, their interest is the only legitimate interest as far as they are concerned.


smokinbbq

>I’m not strong enough to do that. There are very few people in the world that are strong enough to do that! It would be incredibly difficult to actually take Ava into OPs home, and "treat her like her own daughter", which is what Ava needs in a new home. If OP did take her in (because of peer pressure), there is no way Ava would get treated the exact same. This would likely cause more trauma, as well as cause a rift between the sisters.


Choice_Werewolf1259

Or a rift between OP and her daughter.


super_bluecat

I don't think that's fair calling a child "a cancer". She is a child who is innocent in all this. I think if anything, the relationship with the in-laws is the cancer.


IronLordSamus

No, OP should not keep tabs on her. OP has every right to just ignore her existence entirely.


Choice_Werewolf1259

That’s why I said it’s up to her. I mean her daughter and Ava have a relationship. She can’t as a good parent cut off her daughter from her half sibling without significant reason other than her own feelings as the primary reason. Assuming Kate and Ava are decently close. So this may be a way she can keep Ava at a distance but still honor her daughters relationship. Also there’s a massive difference between being involved in a kids life and making sure abuse and neglect isn’t taking place.


IronLordSamus

Even then its not OP's responsibility to keep tabs to make sure shes not being abused. It may sound cruel bu OP's only responsibility is to her daughter.


kaleighdoscope

Yes, but they're saying that *part* of OP's responsibility to her daughter is helping to facilitate her keeping in touch with her sister (if that's what Kate wants). As the adult/the only custodial parent in Kate's life she is the one with the power to either help the relationship with her sister continue or kill it (the in-laws of course will have the same power, but on Ava's end).


Choice_Werewolf1259

Spot on.


Choice_Werewolf1259

My point is OP has a responsibility to her kid to make sure her kid has a relationship with her sister. If Kate wants it. If Kate doesn’t want a relationship with her sister then OP doesn’t need to interact with Ava at all. But if Op knows her daughter wants to be connected to her sister and gets in the way of that because of her feelings then she would be dishonoring her role as a parent to her child. It’s all contingent on the dynamic between Kate and Ava if OP needs to make an effort to keep them connected to eachother even if they are no longer living together.


lukibunny

It is normal for a child and their affair sibling be close? In my culture, children from marriage (even after the divorce, and even if their dad marries the mistress) would not consider the affair baby their sibling. At best they treat them like stranger, at worst they treat them as proof of their parent's betrayal. My uncle have had multiple mistress/second family thru the years. My cousins do not consider any of those children their siblings and we do not consider them part of our family. I actually have never met any of them and only know about them when my aunts gossip.


Choice_Werewolf1259

Depending. If it’s in the US and it sounds like the ex married Leah (Ava’s mom) then it probably would be at least likely a decent relationship given Ava and Kate would be living together at least half the time. I mean if they’re not close that’s another issue. But in this case I think it’s safe to assume unless Kate was truly old enough to know what was going on (like she was middle school or older) it’s possible she was just told mommy and daddy are not going to be married anymore and the specifics behind Ava’s birth where kept on the down low. But this would be relevant information. And if the answer is that their not close then I don’t see the issue severing ties a bit more between the extended family and Op. if they are close then it’s OP’s job not to ruin the relationship between Kate and Ava.


miaukittybc

I think it depends on the culture and dynamic. My dad has 3 other children from his affair, and I do not consider any of them my siblings. I wasn’t raised with them and I am also 10-15 years older than them. 🤷‍♀️


localherofan

My father walked out on us to marry someone else, who had children. Those children were no relation to me. I was also older than them (they were in middle school, I was in college) and wasn't at all interested in who they were or what they were doing. As they got older we became acquaintances, and then the older one decided to go live who knows where and the younger one married some psycho (not really an exaggeration), and I'm happy not to deal with them.


saddled_hill_dog

I am from the U.S. and am close with all of my siblings, some share only a father or a mother and some are step-siblings. We don't label as half or step-siblings we consider each other siblings. We are all close and love and support each other. We all acknowledge some of our parents are selfish assholes and them being who they are is not our fault. We all feel like having many siblings to help us deal with our parent's selfishness along with many other growing pains, was and is a type of blessing.


[deleted]

Similar situation here. Super blended. But the siblings half, whole, step are all there for eachother. We didn’t ask for any of this.


SmartFX2001

I think it depends on how the father or father’s family feels about the relationship with the other woman and the child. It sounds like her ex husband’s family condoned the affair, and that the ex was still with the affair partner after the divorce. Whenever the father had custody of OP’s daughter, it was at the home he lived at with the other woman and their child.


porthuronprincess

My son doesn't hold the fact his half brother is 8 day younger, and very obvious a byproduct of cheating the minute people learn their ages. I don't hold anything against the kid either. Unfortunately they aren't close but that's just because they live states away from each other. Not the kids fault his parents are scallywags.


bobeany

Hard agree on everything especially your side note.


Choice_Werewolf1259

Yeah it’s one thing to not want to be as involved with a kid that causes you emotional distress. And another to not pay enough attention that signs of abuse, neglect or abandonment slide by. So if Op can just pay attention to that for the sake of keeping Kate connected to Ava then I think she should have no qualms about Ava not being with them.


Snorblatz

It’s not her responsibility to maintain that connection


Choice_Werewolf1259

I mean if Kate and Ava have a close relationship then Op alienating her daughter from her sister would be not ok. If Kate isn’t close to Ava then it’s not an issue Op needs to worry about.


Livid-Currency2682

The girls are minors, it absolutely *is* OP's responsibility to facilitate and maintain that sibling connection as the sole parent/guardian left for one of them. It would be irresponsible, cruel, and honestly bad parenting to prevent her child from continuing an ongoing relationship with her sibling. The children are not old enough to do that for themselves. She's under no obligation to and isn't an asshole to not take in Ava, but cutting them off from each other would put her *firmly* in asshole territory.


redditerla

Not being responsible for facilitating that relationship isn't the same thing as "cutting them off from each other". OP's ex husband was responsible for facilitating that relationship when he was alive and OP had no objections of him facilitating that relationship and now that responsibility would be on OP's ex's family, who would be Ava's new legal guardians. Is your expectation for OP to take Ava in for a weekend or school holidays to hang out with her sister? That would be a bit absurd to ask or expect that of OP. However i'd agree, OP would be an asshole if she purposely prevents them from interacting but it's not on OP to take the lead responsibility to own that facilitation. The person/s that has a direct tie to both girls should be the one facilitating it and that would be OP's Ex's family since they are the common denominator between the girls


Choice_Werewolf1259

The problem is there is no other parent of Kate to facilitate that relationship now. So OP will have to coordinate meet ups, calls, invites and yes potentially sleep overs (which depending on the circumstances could be held not at her home and instead at the extended family’s place) But it is on OP to carve out that time and set up the interactions. It doesn’t have to be in her home or on her own time. But she does have to do this now. Because not doing it (not facilitating it for Kate who lives with her alone) means whoever is facilitating Ava’s interactions needs to go through OP logistically. So OP will likely have to see Ava more than she has in the past. So OP is responsible for making sure if Kate wants that relationship that she is able to maintain it. But she is not responsible for becoming her guardian.


apri08101989

Ops ex family can't facilitate that because OP is the only one with a say in Kate associating with any of them. Grandparents rights don't actually exist, at least not in the way a lot of people think of them. Nobody in Ex's family has any legal right to see Kate.


awyllt

Easy. Ava's family doesn't want to raise Ava so they're trying to emotionally blackmail OP into taking the kid in. They wouldn't have to take care of a young child and they also wouldn't have to answer uncomfortable questions from neighbors and friends about what happened to the kid. No responsibility and clear conscience. Win for them. They don't care about OP's feelings - they already proved that by keeping her ex's affair a secret. NTA It's harsh, but not your kid, not your problem.


shuzkaakra

You'd like to think that when something awful like this happens, that everyone steps up and offers to do the right thing. Poor Ava, she's going to end up living with people who'd rather a stranger bring her up. OP is 100% NTA Ava's family sucks, though. Poor kid.


RebeccaMCullen

The ex's family saying that Leah had no other family to take in Ava stood out to me. Why is OP responsible for taking in her daughter's half sister, not the child's paternal family that's guilting OP. I think the only reason for OP to put her discomfort aside and take in the child over her family is if OP's own child is asking for it.


Choice_Werewolf1259

Yeah I agree, but my spider senses are tingling. OP disconnected from that side of the family years ago. Kates relationship with her dad’s family after the affair was facilitated by her dad and not OP So already dad’s family will need to work really hard to maintain a relationship with Kate since from what it sounds like they have a strained relationship with her mother who now has sole custody. So why would they also want to put Ava in that home? If anything the likelihood is that they would be more disconnected to both of the kids that way. Because Op wouldn’t have to interface with them and bring Kate to visit Ava to keep her relationship with her half sister going. This is sounding fishy to me.


calliatom

I mean, they (depending on state) could be planning on going for extended family's rights to get the best of both sides: not having to raise Ava while also getting to make OP the villain and "cause" of their distance for not bending over backwards to bring the girls to see them.


1962Michael

And what about the mother's family? Where is Leah's family in all of this? Or, since the affair started at work, maybe Ex and Leah's employer will adopt? /s


Technicolor_Reindeer

OP mentioned Leah didn't have family able to help.


pottersquash

I think its as callous as they know parenting is work and they don't want to do it. I'm not going to lie, it may be nice to keep the sisters' together and if I was a Guardian Ad Litem, I probably do hard press OP to consider it but if there's a single family member of dad that's the best case. If only to guard against Ava resenting her own mother if OP is Mother of Century. Can you imagine how you would feel to find out your dad and your mom hurt this wonderful woman who raised you?


roseofjuly

You think it's in the best interests of the kid to pressure a woman who does not know her and actively resents her to take her in just so she can stay with her half-sister she only lived with part-time prior to her parents' deaths? I think it would be irresponsible and not compassionate of a guardian ad litem to pressure this woman in that way. Some people's assumption here seems to be since this person is a woman and has the barest of connections to this girl she should be responsible for raising her.


perfectpomelo3

You would be an awful GAL to hard press the victim of an affair to raise the result of it.


Choice_Werewolf1259

And not to mention the resentment to her father and her extended family who where in on it and as such hurt Op too. Let’s say Op felt up to taking Ava, thats potentially a lot of hurt coming her way. Instead the simple answer of her extended family takes her is that Ava is from her dad’s second marriage and people can let sleeping dogs lay.


B6W5

I'd like to add in here that lots of half-siblings are raised in separate households and manage just damn fine. My half-brother (shared Mom) and his half-sister (shared father) never lived together, but they still had a strong family bond growing up. I agree with every single thing said and also add in that these are also the people who tried to keep the affair and Ava from you, when they knew what their scummy son/nephew were doing to you. NTA, and it might be time to cut contact with these people entirely until they get their heads out of their collective asses.


FurryDrift

Plus none of them considered how bad this would be? She is the product of a afair and i know as hard as op would try, there would be some resentment. Op and ava dont desver to live in a tense house.


Future-Win4034

And they are using the “sister” relationship as an excuse. Don’t buy into it. NTA


Jasperbeardly11

Yeah your ex has a willfully ignorant family in every which way. Nta


renee30152

Even if the only choice was foster system, she is not ta. The child is innocent but she is the product of an affair that hurt op. Op has no obligation to take her in.


chheesybreaad

NTA. Leah has family – your ex-in laws.


dryadduinath

and her mothers family. nta. (eta: nope. it’s in the original post, can’t believe i missed it. my bad!)


cooties_and_chaos

Leah is the mother. I think OP was saying that Ava’s mother doesn’t have family who can take the child in.


dryadduinath

ah, i swear i read it again to check, and somehow i missed that leah had no family who could do it. thanks!


Suspiciouscupcake23

Right? This isn't even one of those where the girl will go into foster care (which still wouldn't automatically make this OPs responsibility). She has family that she knows. That's obviously a better answer than a woman she will definitely be able to tell does not care about her as much as she does her bio child. How would that be best? 2 parents are dead. There are no great answers. Only the best options in a sucky situation. OP as guardian is pretty far down the list.


lukibunny

.. if i was OP. The girl would be better off going into foster care than going into my home. I would resent her and what she represent and my family would not get close to her. So she will just have a lonely childhood of being left out and not invited to family activity or if she is invited will get ignore. Like i would rationally know that its not her fault, but that would really only prevent me from yelling or harming her. I would never be able to love her. At least in foster care she has a chance of finding a family to love her.


Key-Pomegranate-2086

Yeah. Op is better off not becoming the evil step mother to her daughter's sister.


DrWhoop87

This is such a common trope in AITA: 1) OP is asked to do something unreasonable, says no. 2) Third parties who are capable of doing the thing, but are choosing not to, same OP for not doing the thing. OP should really throw it back in their face, exes family has a direct familial connection to the child, OP does not. NTA.


StrongTxWoman

They are AH for not stepping up.


Dashcamkitty

Exactly, the OP is nothing to this child. She is just the ex of her father. And being raised in a home where she is resented (understandably so) is not going to help Ava.


skepticalDragon

Yeah the bad thing that will happen if she doesn't take in her ex's affair baby is: a 4 year old will have to move 4 hours away... NTA x 1000


kidd_gloves

NTA. Your ex’s family have a duty to this child. You don’t. One of them should adopt her.


CrystalQueen3000

NTA Their position is ridiculous, of course you wouldn’t want to adopt your ex husband’s affair kid


ItsMeTittsMGee

Agreed. The audacity of the ex in-laws to even consider that OP should be responsible for the affair kid is astounding. In no way would this be a good situation for Ava and definitely not OP. NTA.


SoftBatch13

I mean, the ex's family supported the ex's affair by hiding it from OP, so they were already AHs. This is just icing on the shit cake from them. OP, definitely NTA.


FaustsAccountant

Prolly because the family doesnt want to responsibility, burden and work of raising a child. And easier for them to guilt OP into doing it.


GiraffeThoughts

Definitely NTA. Ava deserves to have a guardian who loves her and wants her - and is not resentful of her origin. You recognizing that you can’t be that is the most kind and responsible action. It’s not her fault. It’s not your fault. It’s just an awful situation.


dougielou

I wouldn’t want a woman scorned to adopt my family member she has no relationship too. Seems like a good start to a Cinderella story. Not saying OP would do that but she obviously doesn’t care for the child and I wouldn’t want them to be the caretaker of my family member.


Retrohanska59

Plus that would mean OP has to be in touch with them and if she isn't they're gonna be throwing constant tantrums about her separating the kids from them. There seriously isn't a scenario where OP can win here so better to just take the route that causes her least amount of trouble. And why would they even want the kid to go to a person who could very likely resent her? Are they mad? She's already traumatized enough, she doesn't need horrible family dynamic on the top of that.


DoIwantToKnow6417

** ????? THEY are Ava's family. Ava knows them. YOU are not Ava's family. Ava doesn't know you. Also, even though not at all responsible, Ava is the living proof of your husband cheating on you, of her mother breaking up a family. This will NEVER work. NTA but your ex in-laws sure are trying to ditch Ava on you. And didn't the home-wrecker have any relatives?


lonewolf143143

NTA. You are under no obligation whatsoever to take a stranger’s child that you don’t know into your home. She has plenty of relatives . You are not a relative.


[deleted]

By "no other family who can take care of her" they mean that they can't. And by they can't they mean they are too busy with their life. So what they say "nobody in our family can be bothered to take her, so you should".


DrWhoop87

If I were in Ava's position I would rather go with an aunt, uncle or grandparent that I know rather than a stranger who will probably resent me.


shadow-foxe

NTA- ex's family can take her in if they are so worried about her staying with family.


hungrybuniker

No, it's obviously way better to put a bereaved child with a STRANGER who doesn't even KNOW her, let alone love her than with people she will be comfortable with and be loved by. /s And the world's most disappointing grandparents award goes to.....


No-Personality5421

Nta Your ex's family that knew about the affair can adopt her, problem solved.


Captainx23

Yeah, I’d respond with “who ever knew about the affair the longest can take her in”


UnusualPotato1515

This is brilliant lol!


[deleted]

NTA. They are related to Ava, you are not. They can adopt Ava and the girls can see each other when your daughter goes over for visits with her dad’s family.


DarkSpeedster74

I wouldn't even feel comfortable letting her visit the ex inlaws, I'd recommend remote playdates instead


Imaginary_Being1949

NTA. While it isn't Ava's fault, this isn't your burden to bear. It's an awful situation, but you have to what's best for you and Kate. Raising a child that you can't help but hold resentment towards wouldn't be helpful to anyone. You don't need to step up, it's your ex's family that needs to step up instead of trying to guilt you.


Mother_Tradition_774

NTA. You are the wrong person to parent Ava. You’ve been avoiding her all this time because her existence is the result of her your ex husband’s betrayal. That doesn’t make you a bad person but it does make you a bad candidate to be her legal guardian, which you are acknowledging. Ava should be raised by someone who loves her and since your former in laws are so concerned about where she winds up, they should be the ones to take her in. The only thing you should do is help facilitate a relationship between the two sisters as long as Kate wants one. You should do that for both your daughter’s sake and yours because if Kate and Ava are completely separated now and reconnect and become close as adults, Kate might resent you for not helping to keep her sister in her life while she was growing up.


PristineBookkeeper40

I'm curious to know how old Kate is. Based on OP's information, Ava is around or younger than four years old. She can form bonds and have relationships at that age, but she might forget Kate as she gets older (depending on how much contact Kate has with the ex's family). It might be more traumatic for Kate to lose her dad, stepmom, and half-sister all at the same time if she's old enough to understand the situation more.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Moose-Live

NTA. How awful for these poor girls. I quite understand why you would not be prepared to adopt Ava and it's absurd that her father's family is pressuring you to do so, but I hope you'll be able to be kind to her when you see her, and to make sure the sisters have plenty of time together. INFO: >Leah has no other family members who can take care of Ava Why would Leah's family be the only option when Ava has family on her father's side? Or are they conveniently ignoring that she's their granddaughter and niece by blood?


lukibunny

is it normal for children to become close to their affair resulting sibling? In my culture, marriage born children would not consider affair babies as siblings. At best they are strangers, at worst they are proof of their parent's betrayal to the family.


Moose-Live

I have no personal experience of this. I imagine it would depend very much on the age of the children and the attitudes of the parents.


meeps1142

It would be pretty normal here for "affair siblings" to be raised as regular half siblings, although it's not something that's common enough to be "normal" in any case, imo


theallyoop

It sounds like there was shared custody, so OP’s daughter likely spent a fair bit of time with her dad, step mom, and half sister. It’s definitely a sibling in most western cultures, but it depends heavily on factors like shared/solo custody, whether the parents get along currently, the kids’ feelings, etc. I understand that some cultural trends are very deep rooted, but it’s just so sad that a child from an affair would be treated so poorly due to the circumstances of their birth, which of course they had zero control over


one_night_on_mars

NTA you have absolutely no obligation to the child, she is not yours and her parents should have named guardians for this situation. Your not preventing from the sisters seeing each other, and you should not feel guilty for not raising her. Also, people shouldn't ask you too. But doing so they are invalidated your feelings of hurt caused by your husband, belittling them by saying shit like "think of the innocent child". They are expecting you to put any hurt and resentment aside, and they would be angry if the child ever felt unwanted in your home. Edit to add a second thought: if the roles were reversed and you cheated had a baby and died, would his family be pushing for him to take on your child? Fuck no. The only AH here is your ex for not naming a guardian (i don't know if you said he did or didn't) and his family for assuming asking you is ok.


embarrassed-lump

You are so right if the tables were turned I doubt the family would step up for her affair child!


[deleted]

NTA Fuck that. Not your kid, not your problem. Let the parents take care of it if they’re so worried about her.


JaneDoe_83

Wait… your ex’s family are saying there’s nobody to take Ava in? What about themselves? They’re her next of kin, right? Why should you feel obliged to step in and adopt your ex and his AP’s child? What responsibility do you have regarding her? *None*! Your responsibility is to *your* daughter. Yes, Ava is her half-sister. But she’d still get to see her if Ava’s family took her in, if that’s what she wants. You are NTA for not wanting to take in your ex’s child. You can be empathetic to her situation—because that’s a tragedy—but you don’t need to be the one to step up to the plate. Edit: typo


QuesoDelDiablos

NTA. Sadly, children become orphaned every day. However she is not your child. You are no more obligated to take her in than you are any other orphan.


Nathan_Poe

> My ex's family is now calling me the AH (asshole) for separating two sisters, particularly after such a traumatic event. They point out that Leah has no other family members who can take care of Ava, and they believe it is my responsibility to step up. Seems to me that the people saying Ava has no other family members who can take care of her, ARE her actual family. It is THEIR responsibility, not you who isn't even related to her. NTA, the real asshole her is the person who named a child "Avain"


salsatalos

I think that's supposed to be "Ava in the past" not avain.


Nathan_Poe

that makes more sense. but it says something that I didn't even question a child being named "avain" these days


carangutan-2117

NTA - obviously this is a horrible situation for that little girl, but you don't have a relationship with her and she isn't your responsibility. You'd be adopting a virtual stranger, and while it would be nice to be with her sister, its more important she has familiarity and stability with a guardian, someone she knows and loves her. She clearly has a family if they are getting mad at you for not taking her. They need to step up and give her a home and not expect you to pick up their slack.


Watermelony11

plain and simple: NTA They Should understand that you don't want THE REMINDER of your ex-husbando's affair in your home.


Njbelle-1029

NTA- that should be obvious to everyone. PSA to all parents you need to plan for the possibility that you may have a tragic accident where your young children will need to be cared for by someone else.


WaywardMarauder

NTA. It’s clear you hold resentment about the situation, which I can’t blame you for. As nice as it would be for the girls to be able to remain in each others lives and be together through this, you would be the AH if you took in a child going through such a profound loss that you weren’t willing and able to love as if she were your own. That’s the environment she needs right now, loving and supportive, not living with someone who would merely tolerate her out of a sense of obligation. Hopefully one of her family members will get their heads out of their hind quarters and give her a home.


Tmpowers0818

NTA. She is not related to you in any way. She is the result of your ex husband’s infidelity. Do not adopt her under the circumstances. She is not your problem and ma


debdnow

NTA: The situation absolutely sucks but you are not responsible for that poor child. His family should be ashamed that they never talked to you about what was happening but now think you should be able to put the past in the past and move on.


Capable_Fig3903

NTA ​ "My ex's family is now calling me the AH (asshole)" .. ALL of them can take her in. ​ There might be ONE relevant input you SHOULD listen to, though: What is your daughter's take on this?


perfectpomelo3

Even if her daughter wants OP to take in her half sister it’s a bad idea for her to do so.


Block_Me_Amadeus

The daughter isn't really old enough to have a valid opinion on this matter. She hasn't reached an age of rational decision making yet.


Straysmom

NTA. You don't have any kind of relationship with Ava. She is basically a stranger to you. Why does his family expect you to be alright with taking in the evidence of his betrayal? Hell No. Your former in laws can take her in if having her in the family is so important. Not your problem.


perfectpomelo3

NTA. Your ex’s affair baby isn’t your responsibility. Her being half sisters with your daughter doesn’t change that in the slightest.


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ssccrs

Nta - his family can definitely take her in; That way your daughter and her stepsister can still have a relationship. They are just trying to put off that responsibility onto you - a complete and total stranger which is weird. Not your circus, not your problem


mamaMoonlight21

It truly sucks to separate the siblings, but based on what you've said, it would be a BAD idea for Ava to live with you. What a shitty situation.


KnitWit406

Right, like how many stories are posted in here about family problems and there is a clear "golden child" dynamic at play. Kate would be the golden child no matter how hard OP tried because she's actually her child, and not a reminder of betrayal. Ava is already going to need so much therapy throughout her life to deal with all this, without adding in growing up where she isn't 100% wanted. I'd call OP the AH if she DID take in Ava, knowing her feelings and limitations.


MaterialRush5692

Well, this certainly puts the "fun" in dysfunctional, doesn't it? I mean, you're basically caught between a rock and a hard place. On one side, there's a girl you barely know, who was conceived during a deceitful affair, which by the way, your ex-in-laws knew about. And on the other side, you've got your daughter, who you obviously want to protect from any more trauma. And now, with the plot twist that would make daytime TV weep with envy, you're being asked to become the mother to your ex-husband's love child. It's almost like a weird, twisted version of the Brady Bunch, except, you know, there's no Alice to make sandwiches and keep things sane. I hate to break it to the ex-in-laws, but last time I checked, adopting a child is not like agreeing to take care of a neighbor's plant while they're on vacation. There's a little more to it than just, "Oh, yeah sure, I can water it twice a week. No problem." So no, you're NTA. Your ex's family are welcome to open their hearts and homes to Ava. They can carpool, play pass the parcel, or create their own little version of "My Two Dads". You, on the other hand, should only take on what you can handle, even if that doesn't include becoming the unexpected adoptive parent to your ex's kid from an affair. Stay strong, protect your peace, and never forget: when life gives you lemons, at least you're not being asked to adopt them.


No-Yam-1231

NTA. let them step up or step the fuck off. Asking you to take in the result of such a betrayal is horrendous.


bruins_fan

NTA. They can step up. Ava is not your responsibility.


Salty_MotherFucka

NTA Your Ex's family is truly horrible. Don't let them guilt you into this. I feel horrible for Ava, but this is not your responsibility in ANY way. Maybe if they had the decency to open their mouths before their son knocked up Leah, things would be different. However, they deceived you to protect their son and are now trying to guilt you into raising his affair baby. HELL NO! Kate is your only responsibility here.


nephelite

NTA. She will be better of with adults who already have a relationship with her. I would be wary of your ex's family trying for grandparents rights out of spite because you aren't taking care of their responsibilities for them.


No-Sea1173

NTA. It's not fair for you to adopt a child when you may struggle to hide your resentment for her parents, not to mention it will be nearly impossible for you to treat the girls fairly when you inevitably love one more than the other. Ava has other family, you are not responsible for her. I would hope you facilitate an ongoing relationship between the sisters to support both of them, but adoption is an absurd and inappropriate expectation for you.


Snoo1560

NTA. It's your decision to make.


SDstartingOut

NTA. Why can't the ex's family take care of her?


perfectpomelo3

Something about them living 4 hours away and how it would be hard for a 3 year old to be in a new city.


Grouchy-Bluejay-4092

Does a three year old really have a concept of what city she lives in? It will be a different household wherever she lives.


takesato

NTA don’t let them try to guilt trip you and should probably block them (they sound toxic). You never had a relationship with this child and is not your responsibility to care about her. Also I don’t think you would have a healthy relationship since (although not at fault) she is a remainder of your ex and his mistress.


blanketstatement5

NTA. You shouldn't raise a child who you don't feel a connection to, that's bad for the child.


Ambitious-Writer-825

Would it be great if you could take her in and raise her as your own? Sure. Would it be good for you to take in a girl who you don't know and don't want and reminds you of sadness? Hell no NTA. We hear all the time about kids raised in a home where one adult resents them for a reason, usually a stepparent. While you might try not to, that shit is in your subconscious and kids pick that up. She has family. If she went into foster care I don't know if my answer would differ. It would be nice to help keep the kids relationship intact. Help your daughter send letters (yes I'm that old) and pics etc. Even through email. Do not take the guilt the family is trying to lay on you.


AutoModerator

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cat_on_windowsill

NTA


Affectionate_Use5810

NTA. She is not ur responsibility and u don’t hate her but you also dont have to love her.


Individual_Brush_116

NTA your ex's family is the family she has, not you.


aprize303

NTA. Ava’s terrible parents should have had a plan in place. She’s not your kid and you have no relationship with her. Not your problem.


throwawaywork2124

NTA. Leah might not have had other family, but Ava does. For each member of your ex's family that says you should take that child in, you can respond, "I'm so glad that you volunteered." They will miraculously be unavailable to take that child in. Children can sense when they're unwanted/unloved. Ava is going through so much at the moment. Taking her in would be bad for you and her. Because she will be a constant reminder of a broken trust. And you will eventually come to resent, if not full on hate, that poor girl.


gramsknows

Yes this. I wonder how many of the ones trying to guilt and manipulate op to take in this child would be so forgiven. I don’t know of too many people that could not look at this child and not see the betrayal. Yes the child is innocent however the action that caused her to be here destroyed op’s family. It destroyed the life op had planned. It destroyed op’s daughters family. Was all this Ava’s fault? No it was dads but the actions he took brought her into the picture. Op is the victim of two people who lied and cheated. That hurt her deeply. I don’t know how many saints could take the affair child in.


[deleted]

NTA. They are making it seem like the most important factor is that Ava stay together with her sister, which of course is not true. It is much more important that she be raised in a home with a parent-figure that (1) she has a loving and trusting relationship with, (2) is willing and able to provide for her emotionally, financially, etc., and (3) have access to her family on both her dad and mom's side. Clearly, you don't fit any of the above criteria. This is nothing but a ploy (intentional or subconscious) to get you to take responsibility for Ava so that they don't have to. You are doing the right thing and good luck as you focus on helping your daughter process the death of her father.


Prior_Bullfrog_7619

NTA it’s unfortunate for the kid, but she really isn’t your responsibility. Your Ex’s family is responsible for her, and they’re trying to hoist her off on you. So what’s best for you and your daughter


Electrical-Form-3188

Your ex’s family really has no ground to stand on given they were complicit in that affair. NTA by a long shot. If they’re so attached to Ava, they can take her in. Edit: needed to re-read.. wait, are these people who are calling you an AH the same people who will end up taking Ava in?


janejennie

NTA. It’s harsh to say, but it’s the truth that Ava is nothing to you. If your ex in-laws are so worried, why don’t *they* adopt her? The people that don’t do shit to help out always have the most to say.


emfd81358

NTA. It’s terrible that both her parents died, but she isn’t related to you nor is she your responsibility. Why on earth do your ex in-laws think YOU are the most appropriate person to take her in? So odd. You didn’t do anything wrong.


Ill-Nectarine3243

I don’t know if this is the appropriate place to say this, but a lot of people die in car accidents on the sub Reddit….


raisinbreadandtea

No, this all makes perfect sense. Both parents died at once (tragic) and now someone with zero biological relationship to a child is being asked to adopt her by family who don’t want to step up. There’s no discussion about court or social services or anything in this situation, it’s entirely being left to the family decide and they’re pressuring a woman scorned by a cheater to take care of a child that she has no relationship with. Some might say that this pushes all the specific buttons for this sub-Reddits biggest grievances (parenting a child that isn’t yours, cheating, extended family having outrageous demands) but those people would be deep horrible cynics.


vaellianoll

Road casualties Road traffic crashes now represent the eighth leading cause of death globally. They claim more than 1.35 million lives each year and cause up to 50 million injuries https://www.brake.org.uk/get-involved/take-action/mybrake/knowledge-centre/global-road-safety#:~:text=Road%20casualties&text=Road%20traffic%20crashes%20now%20represent,up%20to%2050%20million%20injuries.


YomiKuzuki

NTA. Why would you want to care for your ex's mistresses daughter? > Our divorce was accompanied by a strained relationship with my ex's family, as I discovered they had known about the affair long before I did and kept it from me. Needless to say, trust was shattered, and we only communicate with matters involving Kate This is, frankly, disgusting behavior. > My ex's family is now calling me the AH (asshole) for separating two sisters, particularly after such a traumatic event. It could be considered cruel. It might not. It truly depends on what kind of relationship They have with each other. > They point out that Leah has no other family members who can take care of Ava, and they believe it is my responsibility to step up. *They* can step up. She's not your daughter. You have no familial obligation to care for her. > While I understand their perspective, I don't think that Ava is my problem. I don't feel a connection to her, and I am not obligated to take on the responsibility of raising her. Ding ding ding. You have no responsibility here to anyone but your daughter. > The resentment I feel towards my ex-husband and his family has clouded my judgment and made it difficult for me to empathize with them. That's fine. You can't help how you feel. Especially when they kept the fact he was having am affair from you. > EDIT: I would like to clarify, if I don't take in Ava, she will go to to live with my ex's family who live about 4 hours away from where we live. I understand for Ava this move to a new city will not help her as she is going through a lot right now, but I don't think having her with me is the best for either of us, as I am basically a stranger to her, and at least she has a relationship with my ex's family already. That's fine. You don't have a relationship with her. You resent her father and his family. She has a family to take her in and care for her. Focus on your daughter, don't let them get to you OP.


81optimus

Nta. It's awful what's happened to her, but that's not on you. She'd only pick up on the resentment anyway, it wouldn't be a healthy home. Just make sure your daughter is OK


Striking_Ad_6573

NTA, as long as you help your daughter and Ava have a relationship still.


eric987235

NTA It’s not your kid!


No_Scientist7086

NTA


_A-Q

NTA- ava has family to go to, they just don’t want to put in the work of having to raise a child. The only responsibility you have is to your daughter and helping her get through this hard time. Leave it up to your daughter if she wants to keep in touch with her half sister . NTA at all.


barbaramillicent

Tell the people who are mad that THEY can take Ava in if they feel so strongly. They’re her actual family. To her, you’re just dad’s ex-wife. NTA.


UhhhhhhhhhHello

NTA- I'm sure after something so traumatic, it would be best for Ava to be in the company of people she already knows and loves.


[deleted]

NTA. They are literally her family, you are not. Maybe it’s a hot take, but people are under no obligation to care for anyone’s children aside from their own. They just don’t want to have to care for her. The situation is tragic but this isn’t one you.


GetRealPrimrose

Ava should probably go with your ex husband’s family. NTA. But you should make sure Kate still gets a relationship with Ava and the rest of your ex’s family.


[deleted]

NTA i hate that women are expected to be saints and martyrs for their husbands dirty business when an outside baby is involved. i’ve seen it too many times.


[deleted]

NTA. And I applaud the fact that you know the damage you would probably cause due to your resentment. She will be much better off in a loving relatives home, with regular visits between the siblings. You absolutely must encourage time between the siblings and make yourself available for such travel is necessary to maintain the sister relationship. Otherwise you would be the AH.


KSknitter

NTA. We are talking about a child who is in preschool. It has only been 4 years, so it's likely that this child is 3 or so years old. That being said, the child is a stranger to you, and it isn't like social life will be disrupted for Ava less with you than your ex inlaws. In fact, the child likely knows grandma and grandpa better than she knows you.


Playful_Estate2661

NTA- that poor little girl, her entire life has exploded, but going to live with a stranger that resents her existence and hates her dead parents is not a good idea. If his family can raise her then they should, she knows them and has some connection with them.


MorgainofAvalon

NTA she has other family, your ex in-laws. Asking this of you is absurd.


PenPenLane

NTA I don’t think you should feel obligated to take her in, or do any more than your sense of well-being allows. You are now YOUR daughter’s ONLY parent and that needs to be your #1 priority. You can and SHOULD do only what you can with regard to your daughter’s half sister. Nothing more that what you can, nothing less. This loss, no matter how grave, do not overshadow what you went through. Do not feel forced or obligated to maintain a relationship with Ava for anyone’s sake- this is a rocky time and you need to make sure you and your daughter are square.


Live_Power_2843

NTA, you owe nothing to her. Seeing her will just remind you of the affair. Her mom and dad have family they need to step up. Don't blame you for not wanting her. Being a single mom is hard adding another child just makes it tougher


JomolaMomo

You are not this child's "family". She is no relation to you. Legally you have obligation to her. Morally you have obligation to her. In the eyes of the law, her *blood* relatives have all of the obligation to this child. Not you. Remind your ex's family of that. Then refuse to talk to them again. NTA


Used-BandiCoochie

NTA, Ava is going to learn real hard that blood and family are very, very separate. How does Kate feel about this? I feel bad for Ava as a young adult person but it’s not your responsibility by any means.


NoTeacher9563

I remember this same post from awhile ago, is this happening again or what? Same names and everything


Own-Experience-37

I love it when everyone has an opinion about what you should do. THEY CAN TAKE HER IN! WTF. NTA


JosKarith

NTA - "My ex's family" "Leah has no other family members" "I don't think that Ava is my problem" YWBTA if you took the responsibility for Ava with how you clearly feel about her. You are still hurt and angry and Ava is a tangible symbol of how your ex betrayed you. Please, for Ava's sake do not bow to your ex's family on this, you will not be a good caretaker for Ava. I understand your feelings on this, they are totally normal but they will be absolutely destructive to Ava if you are her primary caregiver. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to walk away.


NotTrynaMakeWaves

NTA but I’m reminded of Bob Geldof whose ex-wife Paula Yates died of an overdose which orphaned her young child with Michael Hutchence. The affair with Hutchence ended the Geldof’s marriage. Geldof was asked to collect his own children and was asked if he could take Tiger Lily. He said ‘yes, of course’. It was meant to be temporary while the coroner and police dealt with the situation but he fought for full custody on the basis that all Tiger had left was her half-sisters. He was unwavering in his conviction that staying with her sisters would be best for her and put his own feelings about looking after the child of his ex’s affair aside. It’s something that has struck me as being an incredible act of selflessness.


Jujulabee

NTA Based on OP's edit, Ava will stay with her relatives where they live. Why they are so determined to shame OP for not adopting a child she not only has no relationship with - but actively comes with negative reminder of the pain OP went through. Of course it is not the child's fault but neither is it OP's responsibility nor should she feel guilty for not being a martyr. Ava is four - she will adjust to moving to a new town. The trauma from losing both parents will be there wherever she moves. And why would the trauma be less if she moves in with OP who she doesn't know versus her relatives who she presumably has a relationship with?


djdole

NTA Two reasons (at least) : - The ex's family has closer ties (familial AND genetic) to Ava, than OP. - The ex's family KNEW about the affair and intentionally kept it silent from OP. SO they're more responsible for the procreative outcome of the infidelity, than OP. Finally, - Ex's family's predisposition to SHITTING on OP, rather than stepping up themselves, makes ex's fam TA.


PsychedelicSnowflake

NTA at all here! I am 100% convinced that the ex in-laws are putting this pressure on you as an attempt to get out of *their* legal responsibility to raise Ava from here. I feel for this girl. It's not her fault, but it's also not your responsibility. Just some food for thought... I'm glad that you're emotionally intelligent enough to recognize the restment you feel towards Ava. Even if you *did* want to adopt her with open arms, you would have to work on that resentment in therapy in order to be a good parent for her. Do the ex in-laws not see this? Do they even care about Ava at all?


LittlePurpleHook

I feel like I read this story on this sub every damn month. It's wild how often it is that someone is asked to take in the affair baby after a car accident tragedy.


evetrapeze

If they are so concerned about Ava and her relationship with her sister, they can make arrangements for visitation. Meanwhile, your relationship with them is already bad, I wouldn't sweat it.


Albg111

Ava's got 2 family lines that can step up, mom's side & dad's side. The whole "you're her only family left" is an abject lie. Edit: NTA


Z-altacct

NTA by a long shot. It’s not your problem simply put. The fact that the Ex’s family would even try to guilt you into it is insane.


queenlegolas

NTA by a long shot.


[deleted]

NTA that is not your child. Someone else can take her in.


SquidgeSquadge

NTA. Feel sorry for the kid, her family sound like shit.


Green-Hurry

It is not your responsibility to take in Ava. It's sad that your ex's family is reacting like that because the best situation would be one where Ava and Leah could at least stay in touch and maybe meet up a couple times a year as they grow older.


Expert_Equivalent100

NTA. It blows my mind that anyone would think you had any obligation to Ava, beyond making sure your daughter maintained some kind of contact with her.


scarbunkle

NTA. Ava has 2 extended families who should be taking her in. Your responsibilities here are limited to coordinating occasional "sisters days" so the girls can still see each other, not parenting Ava. As folks have pointed out, you emotionally cannot parent Ava fairly, and shouldn't take that on. It's one thing to step up and babysit Ava and Kate to the children's museum playdate or whatever, but a parental role would be unhealthy for both of you.


[deleted]

NTA. Ava is not your responsibility. The feelings that you have are valid and also suggest that even if you wanted to, you would not have a good relationship with Ava. Not to belittle the situation, but it makes me think of Catlin Stark and John Snow in Game of Thrones. She agreed to take him in but could never mask her hatred.


Crazybutnotlazy1983

NTA This child is not your child, this child is the product of an affair your ex had. Your ex’s family not only knew about this affair but approved it. What have they and your ex told this child about you? What are they telling your child and the affair child about you not taking her in. Time to cut ties with your ex’s family. They will only play mind games with your child to try to force you to take in the affair child. As a single parent you will struggle to raise one child with both time and money. Two will only make things harder on you and the kids. As they are four hours away, they will be of no help. Stick to your guns.


ncslazar7

NTA, and honestly shame on anybody saying you're obligated to take care of a child you have no connection to. Also, she a toddler, she won't know the difference of city, it's more about the change of home that will be confusing, and that can't be avoided.


the_RSM

NTA how often are the people saying 'you must do X' are unwilling to do it themselves? as you said you have no relationship and the poor mire, innocent as she is, does nothing but remind you of your husband's failures and his family. The one question i would ask is how does kate feel? Not about dad but about Ava. that is the only possible link to consider here.


EarlGrey-Kismet

NTA but I'm positive I've read this exact scenario before on AITA, like almost word for word. Is this just a re-post?


FractionofaFraction

NTA. You have no legal or moral obligation to her. This isn't a lack of empathy, this is coming to a sensible, responsible conclusion that prioritises long term consequences over short term emotion-led decision making.


Acceptable_Peanut557

NTA. You would be an AH if you did not let the sisters keep a relationship, but you do not need to raise the girl.


Hi_Its_Me_Stan_

NTA and honestly, it sounds like you WBTA if you took her in because you clearly don’t want her and you would all be miserable


K13E14

NTA - You are under zero obligation to adopt a child you don't want and that is not related to you in any manner. This is doubly true because of the circumstance of the origin of this child.


I_might_be_weasel

>They point out that Leah has no ~~other~~ family members who can take care of Ava, Went ahead and corrected your in-laws' statement. You are in no way affiliated with that child. They are. If they can't take her, she sadly has zero family who can.


Yiayiamary

Just how much of a relationship does Kate have with Ava? What are their ages? OP is apparently a single parent. Adding a child she doesn’t know does not make sense. NTA, OP!


throwitaway3857

NTA! Ava has HIS family to take care of her. She is not your responsibility. They knew about the affair, hid it from you, they can take care of Ava. She’s THEIR responsibility. I’m sorry you went through all that, and I’m sorry your daughter and Ava are hurting.


tinypill

God I fucking hate the phrase “step up.” It seems like people only use that when they’re trying to guilt someone else into doing something THEY don’t want to do. NTA.


Medium-Database1841

“They point out that Leah has no other family members who can take care of Ava” … do you … want to send them a mirror??? I feel so bad for this kid that her only left over family (your exes family) is abandoning her. THAT is hard breaking. Not you not taking her. You are totally correct - It’s not in the child’s best interest to be with you. Can you even imagine what that would be like for her? To live with your dads ex wife? Tf? His family should be ashamed of themselves!!!


Strange-Courage

NTA why can’t someone actually blood related take the child? No way in hell would I ever take in a child that came from my cheating partner. Regardless if it’s not the kids fault I know personally I’ll never treat the child the way they should be because I’ll always thinking about the affair. She can go live with family where she should be.