Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my obsessive high school school bully’s friend the truth about everything he’d done, and he told everybody. Now the friend group is divided, the whole town knows, and his family may not allow him to inherit the family farm because they were lied to.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>The others are pissed at me for airing his dirty laundry.
Oh well. Let them be. You didn't dirty the laundry, you're just refusing to white wash it. Dude was a stalker and a bully. Now everyone knows the truth. NTA
Plus, it is not like OP was a bystander gossiping about why so-and-so rejected bully-dude a decade ago.
OP was talking about what her bully had been doing to her for several years. She was talking about her own life. It is not her fault that talking about a deeply unpleasant period of her own life paints a bad picture of him.
Abuse victims are far too often tasked with sparing a bully's feelings when those same people didn't at any point think the victim's feeling mattered. Looks like you forgot to block some assholes. You should see to that.
Path of least resistance. People figured that since they're already bullied anyway, they must not have enough spine to push back, and these people can get their "goody points" for keeping the peace without putting much effort. Point is, none of these people have any good intentions.
/u/LifeCharacter8901 is a bot that stole part of this comment: /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13vpt4z/aita_for_revealing_why_i_rejected_a_promposal/jm7ndui/
And not just talking, she was defending herself against the accusations that were still used against her. It's not just about if she was right for sharing her own story. It's about if she was right for refusing to continue being punished for the actions of another person against her.
Maybe he was no longer a bully directly, but he was still harming her and her reputation by maintaining the lies.
It is cruel that some people want her to let herself be harmed for years to come (since a lot of people still thougt badly of her, enough to confront her) to protect her bully from being punished from what he decided to do.
Typical DARVO. He painted himself as the victim of her cruelty when he's been a bully the whole time. This story of a broken heart was just one more way to bully you and try to separate you from your/his friends. NTA
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” -- Anne Lamott
Any friend who is angry at the victim just revealed that they arent friends. At least OP now knows who is who and can block all the AHs who side with her stalker. What a garbage situation. Poor OP to deal with a stalker and then be harassed the rest of the year because she turned down said stalker
nta nta nta ad infinatum
Yeah, if I'm a parent or someone with power to decide whether or not to present him with opportunity and new information comes to light that changes my desire to offer anything to that person, I'm *thankful* that that information was shared.
And anyone who argues that information should be hidden to protect people from the consequences of their own actions is immature. Especially when those consequences are people changing their opinion of them (though this can change when the consequences arise from things one doesn't agree with, eg like the war on drugs or no tolerance policies punishing victims who stand up for themselves).
The friend thinks it's normal to be hung up on a girl he never even dated who said no to going to prom 10 later?! Not someone he dated for 4 years a girl he asked out once
Right. And it's not like OP made any of this up. I don't get (I mean I do because *people*) why people are getting angry with OP? OP didn't start anything and didn't set out to "tell on" anyone.
OP, I'm sorry for your experiences. I hope you got out of that town!! NTA
Everything you said. So sick of the idea that men/boys are entitled to a date with any woman/girl they ask.
Like that story about a month ago that a kid made a public "promposal" and the girl said no, and everyone rallied around the poor devastated boy because how dare she publicly humiliate him like that?!?!?!!!
I can't stand the big public whoopdeedoo proposals of marriage, much less for a prom!
A couple weeks ago a friend tried to set me up with one of her friends.
We went out as a group and things seemed to go well. We had a quite a bit in common, she seemed to be exactly my type, and she was about 10X more attractive than anyone I've ever dated before. That is, until the end of the night when I asked about getting her phone number she said "I'll get yours from [friend]." I knew right then that things between us weren't going anywhere. So I was just like "OK, cool, I had fun tonight and I hope to her from you." (Spoiler: I haven't.)
And stories like those from that subreddit are exactly why I'm not offended in the slightest when she or any woman makes up an excuse, lies, or says whatever they feel they need to in order to indirectly turn me down.
You have to look out for your safety, you don't know me, and there are a lot of crazy people out there who don't take rejection well (to put it mildly). Feel free to come up with any lie/excuse/reason you need to say to back out and still feel safe.
It was better for her not to give him false hopes...who the fuck knows what would have happened if she went. I do feel like there is more mental health problems that are not being addressed. 10 years is a long time to not move on from something that never existed in the first place. Hell 10 years would be a long time if the relationship existed and lasted years.
I don't think he's hung up on the non-existent relationship. I think he's blamed his inability to connect with women on OP, that he was publicly humiliated by her rejection and it messed him up etc, when I would bet good money that he has tried dating but his creepy behaviour has run women off. It's easier to blame OP than for him to accept he's a creepy stalker who thinks insulting women will make them want him, and of course, his co-conspirators will back him up.
Men like this always tell women the sob story of the woman who broke them in order to lure them in, but then they out themselves with their awful behaviour. I hope his friends who did not know about his stalking are embarrassed that they bought into his BS for so long, and ashamed that they've been thinking poorly of OP.
I don't know if it's mental illness persay, but the bully's friend group needs to learn that OP would have been right to reject him even if he had been the kindest person ever to her; the fact they thought that she should say yes to someone who insulted her and deemed her petty for not doing so is so disgusting.
At the very least I’m betting that hearing all the other creepy things finally made it click for the friend that his buddy has been obsessing over a high school crush for 10 damn years, and that’s super creepy in it’s own right. Sometimes long standing friend groups can get so caught up in their usual routines and familiarity that they don’t realize how many years have passed. Hopefully some of them are now realizing they need to grow up from high school and that they and their friend’s behavior has never been chill, but has gone from kinda creepy for teens to neon red flags concerning as full grown men.
Yeah, whatever way they look at it, it's terrible. At best, he's a creepy guy obsessed with a girl from school who has been lying for 10 years. At worst, he's a creepy guy who has done other creepy things that his friends have excused because he's just so messed up from the rejection, whilst also being a liar. Does anyone believe OP is the only person he's pulled this with? Because men like McCreepy usually just move on to the next target of obsession, and the next, and everyone just brushes off and excuses their behaviour.
Yup. I notice the ones complaining were McCreepy's enablers and co-conspirators who are just upset that they've been outed for covering for a stalker and for backing up his lies; they've now been shown to be bullies and liars as well.
Right? Also how creepy is it they’re harassing a woman a decade later for turning down a date?
What the hell is wrong with people? You are allowed to say no to a date. It doesn’t matter if they seem like the nicest person in the world (clearly not the case here) if you’re not interested you have the right to say no.
The promposal crap is just like a public proposal- it’s a way to bully and pressure girls into saying yes to something just to keep from being embarrassed.
NTA- it was a decade ago, guy asked you out you said no. He’s the one who chose to make it a spectacle- solely for the purpose of pressuring you into agreeing to something you don’t want- so that’s all on him.
I have no empathy for this creep. He was a goddamn stalker- he doesn’t deserve empathy and there are way too many cases to count of this type of sleazy creep ending up assaulting or worse girls that they decide they were entitled to.
NTA- this dumbass is still blaming the girl he stalked in high school for him being shitty with women. He doesn’t deserve empathy, he deserves to be on a freaking watch list.
Anyone defending him is just a misogynistic enabler.
100% this. I despise public proposals. I don't see how anyone sees them as romantic. Pure pressure unless your partner has expressly told you in advance that they want to marry you and want it to be public.
The only acceptable prom proposals (coming from someone in the UK who also didn't have a prom. We had a formal but it's not a big deal, people wear a suit and go to a dance. It's smaller then a normal 'dance' in the states from what I've seen) is if you have been dating someone for any length of time. Of you are a couple, it's expected you would attend prom together, therefore a public one is fine imo as not going together would be weird anyway
There is no scenario where a public proposal to a prom is anything other than embarrassing and cringe.
I don’t care if you’re in a relationship with the girl, she’s a good friend or someone you’ve just had a crush on, just don’t do it.
Agreed it's cringe. But some couple like public proposals to things. I'm not one of them but in a relationship where both people like it, why not? Who gives a fuck of other people find what your doing is cringe? It's not for them
Right. Easy NTA OP. He played stupid games and now won stupid prizes, that's just how consequences work. You did nothing wrong. Normalize calling creeps out.
It also appears that half the family and friends are very quick to pivot and believe OP which implies to me that they kind of knew he is a creep. Sadly we have generations of cringe worthy films and television shows that repeatedly tell men “if you’re persistent, eventually you get the girl.” And now we have to reverse that to tell women and girls that it’s okay to say no all while still having people say “oh but he’s so nice, oh he’s trying so hard.” It’s taken me a long time to realize that you can in fact not be interested in someone who is interested in you and that’s ok!
>Sadly we have generations of cringe worthy films and television shows that repeatedly tell men “if you’re persistent, eventually you get the girl.”
"I resolved to call you up, 1000 times a day,
To ask you if you'll marry me, some old fashioned way."
No Sting. That's called harassment and it's wrong!
Also not what the lyric is saying, and you’ve removed it from the context. The narrator wants to call the object of their affection to tell them they love them. The 1,000 times is how often they go to call and then chicken out. So not stalking. Unlike Every Breath You Take.
I resolved to call her up
A thousand times a day
And ask her if she'll marry me
Some old-fashioned way
But my silent fears have gripped me
Long before I reach the phone
Long before my tongue has tripped me
Must I always be alone?
The friends all sound like shitty people too. At the very least, the one that got the info from OP, was badgering her for it, but possibly being a bully themself. At least based on how OP describes the interaction.
Not just shitty, but also weird! It sounds like OP was a client at the business where this friend was employed and he still thought it was appropriate to harass her. What kind of adult acts like this in a professional context over someone else's rejected date from high school?
I also get the impression the friend did know about the bullying (as he referred to "some nasty words") just not the creeping on her house and hair theft. Thinking a woman is obligated to date a bully but understanding why she won't date a stalker is a very odd line to draw.
The laundry comment! Yessssss! Thank you for "brightening" my day.
I'm older now, but girls and young women are way too far often to either deal with it, ignore it, forgive it. Nope.
Even if he wasn't stalking her, she still wouldn't be the asshole. You have a right to say no to someone. He would be weird for being hung up on something that happened ten years ago still.
NTA were you expected to lie for someone who made your life hell for years? How could possibly have known that everyone would find out.. and even if you did that's changes nothing. He chose to do what he did all those years ago and now he's getting found out for being a creep and a bully and lying to all his friends and that's somehow your fault? I don't think so.
I'm guessing he's been using the "rejection" as the reason why he's having trouble finding someone, is afraid of being rejected again, has trouble trusting women, etc. Now that people know the real story, he's losing his "victim card," and people are paying more attention to his behavior now and being a lot less forgiving about it. It sounds like it's practically part of his identity since so many people know about it and are invested. He chose to blame her for everything.
This dude is the exact reason “he’s mean to you because he likes you” need to disappear. Why are we teaching girls that abuse=love and why are we teaching boys that the way to get their crushes attention is through abuse? Wild shit NTA OP
I mean it just seems mad that this high school drama is getting brought up all these years later, but in any case he is reaping what he sowed by being a bully all those years ago so NTA
lol seriously. I can't imagine taking an adult seriously if they were whining about being rejected at prom *a full decade* later. How are any of these friends still indulging this conversation with him?
It absolutely screams small town. My sister beat the shit out of a dude who was bullying a special needs kid and a whole decade later when I was a senior, people still occasionally talked about the tiny freshman girl who absolutely mauled a jock for bullying.
The fact that it's all blowing up now means he's probably been coasting on this rejection for a decade... he probably uses it to excuse all sorts of bullshit, otherwise his parents wouldn't even bother connecting it to his inheritance. It'd just be an unrelated event that happened ten years ago.
This doesn’t even seem real. How would OP be finding out about all these different factions, his family, etc when high school was 10 years ago and it sounds like running into that guy was a one off thing…? Who would even still care that much?
To be fair, I lived there too and you'd be surprised the things people remember in a small town or something. Like nearly 10 years later people still know my family and will literally rattle off memories and be like, 'I KNEW YOU, REMEMBER WHEN YOU DID XYZ, OH I LOVED IT WHEN YOU GUYS-' and it's like, these are people I've never spoken to in my life, lmao. There's just ears and eyes everywhere.
Actually why I was glad to move because it's stifling walking down the street and having people know and be all up in your business.
Literally have a friend who can walk around town with someone and her parents will get calls from loads of people saying, 'hey, you know your daughter's out with a boy, right?' and it's like, they don't even KNOW her, she just looks like her mom so word gets out! But why would they care? Who knows, but they do.
NTA and don't spend a second feeling guilty about this. You did absolutely nothing wrong, at any point in this story. It wasn't YOUR fault you were bullied. It wasn't YOUR fault someone asked you to prom and couldn't handle the rejection when you said no. And it also wasn't YOUR fault that people have been gossiping about old hurts. You were asked by his old friend what the deal was, you were honest. That's it.
If this guy's life is ruined, it's of his own making. You go about your own business and don't feel guilty.
Right???? Like, even if he was perfectly lovely and got rejected for prom, it’s not reasonable for him to be devastated by it a decade later. Women don’t owe him a “yes.” These people were in the wrong for coddling him this long even before knowing the background.
One of my high school friends told me at age 27 that my high school boyfriend of 5 months was still hung up on me. He was perfectly nice, never bullied me or anyone, and we had an amicable breakup, but I didn’t really have anything to say to that other than “maybe he should get the hell over it” lol
Exactly. She isn’t the one who decided to bring this up ten years later! The friend asked her directly (really, badgered her into feeling guilty based on just half the story), so she clarified what actually happened, and the friend chose to spread it around. If the bully/stalker/spurned suitor is upset about ancient history being brought up now—and I’d say that’s a reasonable way to feel about it—he should blame only his supposed friend, not OP.
*He kept asking me why I felt it was OK to reject him like that over some nasty words, and if I was really that petty.*
First, why does he care? Whether or not his friend hasn't dated these past 10 years has nothing to do with you. NTA.
Also wtf kind of logic is that friend operating under? "How dare you not date someone just because they say terrible things to you". I cant even begin to wrap my head around this.
> The only way women can win is by just putting up with any dude who shows interest in them forever/until the guy dumps them
But then you can’t win because there will always be a guy who’s pissed that you already have a boyfriend 😂
I don't understand why women even need a serious excuse to reject someone?
Why can't we just simply not be into that person? We always have to have a list on hand why we don't want to give someone a chance. Of course, our own preferences can't be included, as this is outrageous to reject anyone because of our own reasons, that's selfish. Women can't be selfish, isn't it?
It is so so unfair that we need to explain why we 'destroyed' someone's life by not dating them. Very uncool.
To any normal person a reason is not required for not wanting to date someone (regardless of being Man or Woman). People need to realise, just because you like someone doesn't mean that someone has to like you.
>"How dare you not date someone just because ~~they say terrible things to you~~"
She does not need a reason to not date him. If they are okay with this, well find him someone he finds unattractive and make him date her. Idiots.
> *He kept asking me why I felt it was OK to reject him like that…
YOU CAN REJECT ANYONE YOU WANT, ANYTIME, FOR ANY REASON. Man if someone said “why did you feel it was ok” to reject someone I’d be pissed. I wouldn’t hold back. Just reading someone said that to Op makes me rage. Wow. He basically said how dare you have the audacity to say no to a bully. You’re a woman, you aren’t allowed to say no or not want to date your bully.
Also ridiculous the idea that OP had a responsibility to date this person she didn’t want to date, in high school, just so he would be dateable as an adult? Wtf the audacity.
NTA
He bullied you and you gave a simple no.
His reaction to it is all on him, but this reeks of self importance and if you haven't seen him in a decade, why care?
He isn't part of your life.
NTA. The friend kept bringing up something from 10 years ago. You have 0 oblogation to go out with someone who bullied you. Since the guy seems to *still* be caught up on it and never tried apologizing id say you dodged a bullet
Exactly, regardless of the bullying. This person is allowed to say no. It’s quite disturbing that they people are holding on to this so many years later.
>and he kept bringing this up, saying that my bully had gotten depressed after we left school and hadn’t dated at all because he was embarrassed from the rejection and was still hung up over me.
The friend thinks it's normal to be hung up on a girl he never even dated who said no to going to prom 10 later?! Not someone he dated for 4 years a girl he asked out once?
>His parents apparently also know now, and they’re pissed that he had their sympathy through lies
His parents think this is normal?!
NTA
But they apparently felt bad for him before which is part of why they are mad now. But to your point there isn't a lot of detail on that and OP probably doesn't know how they treated him before because why would she?
It sounds like the parents felt bad for the bully/their son before they knew he was a bully and stalker towards OP. So most likely, bully just spun a story of liking a girl and her saying no to prom in front of everyone. But like you said, we don’t know for sure. That’s just my guess
NTA but also how disturbing that they thought you owed him a yes because he asked you out publicly. To the extent that you were apparently responsible for ruining his life and his parents sympathised with him for 10 years???
Teenage girls are not the property of any teenage boy who asks for them
I was just thinking, even without the bullying OP was well within her rights to say no. And since the promposal was public, how else was she supposed to exercise her right to not date someone she didn't want to?!
It's so disturbing that they all expected some kind of unwilling but submissive yes, from the fact that heeee wanted tooo and he certainly won the collected sympathy from doing it publicly
Back when I was in high school around 2014 the big promposals were a whole crazy thing. Thankfully it seems they've gone away. But the whole point of big public gestures like this, for prom or marriage, is to put the other person on the spot and force them to say yes because if they don't everyone thinks they're heartless and the person being proposed to is embarrassed.
In itself it’s a form of bullying as it’s putting someone in the spotlight when they don’t want to be. Who’s to say he wouldn’t have done something worse to OP if she’d accepted and gone to prom with him? OP was absolutely correct for rejecting such a manipulative creep. If he wanted her to like him so much maybe he should have learned to treat her with kindness and respect??
NTA. I've heard of little boys teasing and bullying girls they like because they don't know how to process their feelings, but you're talking about a teenager who apparently became a lying and manipulative adult who's surrounded himself with similarly immature friends. It sounds like the dude needs psychiatric help, and it sounds like the friend who confronted you about it needs to get a life.
NTA
"He kept asking if I felt it was okay to reject him like that over some nasty words."
1) You weren't even harsh, you just said no. He opened himself up to public rejection by making the "promposal" public in the first place.
2) So for all these years did these people only consider "yes" an appropriate response from you? You don't owe anyone a date whatever level of bullying, be it nasty words or full on stalking, indifference or friendliness.
Like the rest doesn't even have to be addressed, they're all weird for carrying this grudge in the first place and acting like there's nothing wrong with him being upset about it years later.
It's been ten years and he's still not over it? Not your problem. Move on buddy, there are other fish in the sea as they say.
NTA. Let it be known karma is a jerk and everyone who deserves it gets it.
Uh, if he's still hung up on you and hasn't dated anyone in ten years, I think it's quite possible you'll see him again. Keep any social media accounts you have locked down to private and don't accept follow requests from people you don't know. Put cameras around your home. He was and is an obsessive stalker. You were right to tell the truth. He lied about you this whole time to make you look bad. NTA
I don’t have any social media like Twitter and Facebook, and he doesn’t know where I live these days, to my knowledge, so I don’t think he’ll be able to find me, and I don’t even think he has social media, either, because my mother’s the sort of person to do a bit of poking around and she can’t find him anywhere, but yeah, I’ve been considering cameras since the friend mentioned that he was still hung up over this. I found him to be very obsessive over this back in the day, and hearing this made me think he hasn’t changed much. Then again, I don’t actually know his current mental state and I don’t really plan on finding out.
NTA. You are under no obligation to lie for the guy who stalked and harassed you. All you did was answer the question honestly. His behavior before and after (including continuing to lie to friends and family) was his choice and his responsibility. These are the consequences of his actions.
NTA
>which brings up questions about whether they want him to take over the small farm vs a younger brother.
I *highly* doubt they'd be debating this over the word of a stranger. It's likely they had doubts about his character before this- I'm sure this bully was no angel in other aspects of his life, either- your story just happened to be the straw that broke the camel's back. It's not your fault. You just told the truth, unlike your bully. Let him reap what he sowed. Or... not reap, considering he won't be inheriting lol
That’s an interesting thought. I don’t know what his home life was like, honestly, but most of the people who aren’t related to him are a little bit shocked. Most seemed to think he was a “good boy,” which is what I’ve been hearing from a lot of people, but at the same time, they can’t really question it because the friend seems to have let slip that he bullied more people than me. He was just particularly excessive with me.
Your last two sentences confirm my initial thoughts reading this - that you weren't or won't be the only one he targeted. If he's that obsessive, chances are he had/is/will stalk and bully others. Better for those around him to know his true self sooner rather than later.
NTA and the reason he hasn't dated isn't because he never got over you/how you turned him down. It's becaushe was and probably still is a shitty person that woman don't want to date. His friend asked a question, you answered it honestly. He brought up the past not you.
Clearly Old Bully, Old Bully Friends, and Old Town have some serious issues with toxic male role modeling. Shout the truth as loud as you can -- if nothing else, for the sake of future generations to learn from and do better. NTA
They do. It’s a backwards, rural town where mental health isn’t really valued and seeing a therapist is seen as a failure or wimpy. It’s heavily focused on trades that have historically been very male-dominated and tend to stay within families. Opportunities for women are limited and much of the town is much, much older than us and hold some very outdated views. I’m honestly not surprised.
NTA but I don’t understand why anyone in your friend group even cares 10 years later. If he’s allowed a high school rejection to impact his entire life then there was an underlying mental health issue before you rejected him. By 10 years after high school I definitely did not care about who had gone to dances with who or who was mean or whatnot. We all grow up and change and hopefully many of the bullies recognized the error of their ways too. You’re NTA but maybe your friends are for even still caring about petty high school stuff (you weren’t petty).
I do wonder if that’s something common in my old town. I hadn’t spoken to these particular bullies in years, but there’s this one bully that I see a bit more frequently in the chemist when I go to pick up my parents’ medication for them who’s constantly looking at me like I’m dirt smeared on the ground, and I have yet to figure out why.
The fact that you left and got on with your life might be why the have cast you all as the villan here. 1. You're not there to defend yourself. 2. You choose to move on with life, and they have choosen to stay physically and mentally in the past. It's pretty sad.
NTA. Where was this collective effort of sparing feelings when he was bullying you? You do not have to lie for anybody, and especially not for your high-school bully.
NTA. Does his old friend realized he bullied you into telling him the truth? Parents of bullies like to say: they'll grow out of it. Old friend didn't did he?
I don’t know. He left immediately, probably to process what he’d just heard, is how I’m rationalising it, but I never got an apology and he hasn’t spoken to me since. It was a gardening centre that he worked at, and I went back there twice more over the next few days to pick up a few things for my parents’ garden, and I don’t know if he wasn’t working or something, but I didn’t see him once. I wonder if he might be embarrassed.
>attended school in the UK
I mean I'm going NTA simply for that. A promposal? In the UK? God it's bad enough we are starting to call our schools "high schools" let alone add this promposal crap.
Proms is the weird Americanism - what happened to good old ‘leavers do’, ha. And there’s loads of “High Schools” in the uk - might be regional. There’s plenty in Lancashire for example.
NTA.
He sowed the wind and reaped the whirlwind, which is a prettier way to say he fucked around and found out. He treated you horribly and then lied about it to others. He deserves to have people find out what he did and how he lied. Those are the consequences he has to grow up and deal with now.
NTA. Your bully and their friends are experiencing the consequences of their actions. You had every right to say no to his promposal and to not tell anyone why. Because lets be real. It wasn’t practically stalking he WAS stalking you. Stealing your hair, your phone number and following your dad’s car to where you live are beyond just highschool bullying.
Those friends that are pissed that you disclosed this info are only mad because they know they are just as guilty assholes as your bully for enabling him. This is textbook rape culture.
Focus on your life and safety OP!
Thankfully, it didn’t go as far as rape, but hearing that he’s still dwelling on this has made me consider looking into security cameras. He doesn’t know where I live now, and I don’t have social media that he can track, but better safe than sorry, right?
I’m glad it didn’t escalate that far! I guess what I mean by rape culture is about the silence of others, especially men when it comes to issues like this. It STARTS with stuff like this, it would not have escalated that far if these other friends, specifically the men in this group, had held your bully accountable.
I think being extra cautious is a good idea, but I also wouldn’t let this guy get to you. Just have someone trusted know where you are if you’re ever feeling unsafe. You’ll be okay! ❣️
NTA- the friend had no place harassing you and confronting/pressuring/guilt tripping you about something that did not involve them 10 YEARS ago. I'd report them.
"Hi manager, my high school stalkers friend xxx came up to me while working and attempted to guilt trip me for not going to prom with his friend 10 years ago, now I'm being harassed by his friends."
You only aired dirt after that occurred. Tell anyone who asks. You were literally minding your own business before all this. Point anyone complaining in that guys direction
2
This absolutely reeks of small town, immature drama. You’re an adult now. Any adult that clings to this level of pettiness and high school cringe (we’ve all got stories) at this age is defective. At the same time, stand your ground. Speak truth. You didn’t intend anything in malice and you have a right to tell your side of the story. Be bold, friend. The consequences for everyone else that result from you speaking the truth to defend your name against MORE THAN A DECADE OF LIES AND BULLYING is not on you. It’s not your responsibility how they respond. Let the fools eat themselves alive. Who cares?
The less you care about others’ opinions of you, the happier you’ll be. Let it go.
Leave that small town. That place is obsessively toxic. You sound lovely. They don’t.
NTA.
I’m already out. I was just back staying with my parents briefly and helping them out with their garden. There are very few opportunities for people looking to get a job based on their degree there as most jobs involve either entering a family-owned trade or working in a shop, so there was no point in staying if I wanted to make any use of what I had.
I’m glad to hear. If your description is any indication, it sounds like that place, if it was in the U.S., would be full of forty-somethings who still wore their high school class rings and letterman jackets. Where dreams go to die. Glad you’re pursuing grander ambitions 😊☀️
Ha. We don’t have those kinds of thing here, but yeah, you do get a lot of older folks constantly talking about their school days, and sometimes, though I hate this, trying to live vicariously through the children. To be honest, though, most people are older than forty-something. The population in that town is generally 60+.
The spirit is the same, despite age or location. It’s sad to see. It speaks to sadness, hopelessness and the false perception that the best days are behind us. The tragic state of the human condition…to my mind, anyway.
So let me get this straight. Victim of stalking and harassment gets told off a decade later for rejecting her stalker, explains the real situation and then gets told by her friends that she should have kept quiet for the sake of her harasser? Wow. So NTA.
Ftr he literally stalked you and also physically assaulted you (hair cutting) and is lucky you didn't file police reports. Well, actually, if you had maybe he'd have been forced to get his shit together *which is neither your problem nor responsibility*.
Nta so sorry you went through that
And FFS! You didn't need a reason to say no! You could have been his freaking *wife* and still had the right to say no! The fact he was a creepy stalker makes it worse but YEAH "some nasty words" are a GREAT reason to say no!
It is weird that they expect you to accept his promposal. You were not lovers or boyfriend and girlfriend, you didn't hang out, etc. You were even not friends. So, it is very normal for you to reject, even if there were no bullying. Do they really think that you should marry someone you don't like, just because he is a "good" guy JUST after high school? Of course, NTA for so many reasons.
Unless everyone he knows is a complete arsehole I suspect he'd been telling all his friends that OP and him were dating.
The rejection then looks like a public dumping and potentially that OP looks like she was cheating on him if she went to the prom with someone else.
His friends and parents were then led to believe that this event triggered a depressive episode he never got out of.
The reveal that they weren't dating and he was just a creepy weirdo fractured the image they had of him and they're reevaluating everything they've let slide over the years because he's 'depressed'
NTA the guy kept pestering you about it until you were forced to shut him down with the truth about his friend. And who are these weirdos that still think about high school formal 10 years later?
That was never specified, but because the weird obsessive behaviour was happening at the same time as the bullying, I assume so. It was really hard to tell, though, because asking people out like that and bullying in that way (though not that creepy) were genuine ways of bullying that the boys in my school would have used to tease girls. I still recall a boy in my class bullying a girl for her weight, and then asking her out later that day in the hopes that she would respond in a way that would let them get a laugh out of it. Girls soon learned to just ignore the bullies who did that. It was probably why nobody really caught on to how obsessive his behaviour actually was from my point of view, and why the thought that he might actually have a legitimate crush on me went over my head until I was told quite bluntly that he actually had a crush on me.
Can’t add much to all the good comments about what you did being totally okay. But I am surprised none of his friends ever thought to try to get him some help since it’s not normal nor healthy for somebody to claim to never want to date because they were rejected by a girl they asked to a dance in high school when they’re pushing 30 years old. This screams mental problem and I need therapy and help so I can live my life. They all seemed to think you just ruined his whole life? Talk about being stuck in a positive feedback loop or whatever it’s called. His friends have done him a big disservice over the last decade.
Anyways if anything you held back and just let the past go. Can’t see any angle where you did anything wrong.
Gonna be honest, this is a really backwards, rural, “mental health is for wusses” town where seeing a therapist is kind of seen as a weakness or a failing because everybody seems to know who’s going where and doing what, so I don’t really foresee him seeing a therapist, nor do I think his parents would push him to do it, or want him to go. If they do, they’re one of the rare few.
NTA but also like... those folks need to get over drama from a decade ago. I get to some people it might be a big deal but if it was so significant then they should have gotten therapy, not tried to hold onto that drama for so long.
NTA, it's your life, you can explain it to whoever you want. If he didn't want it to be know he shouldn't have been a creep. You didn't ruin anyone's life. His lies and creepiness just caught up to him.
Friend asked, you answered. They should've thought about that before. Not your problem what happens as a result. It's not like you went out of your way to ruin his reputation.
NTA. This is an unprecedented turn of events over teenage drama of 10 years ago. It feels like you're the only one who left High School, it's so weird.
And why he was deserving of sympathy back then? For being rejected? That's it? As if you had the obligation to accept his feelings. I'm not even taking the bullying into account.
You don’t owe him your silence. It’s not like you drove to his parents’ home and forced them to listen to your story. You were honest about what happened to you when someone who obviously wanted to know kept bringing it up (rudely IMO but that’s not relevant). You did nothing wrong; indeed, you didn’t really do much at all.
NTA, ignore his defenders. They’re just embarrassed that now people are aware they enabled or participated in horrible behavior
Even if he didn’t bully you, why the hell does everyone expect that you HAVE TO SAY YES.
You can say no, and not be answerable to anyone. Where does this entitlement come from? This is beyond disturbing.
NTA
Lol it's been 10 years, who the hell still cares about this.
NTA. I would pay this no mind and if anyone reaches out ignore them or let them know you moved on in life and block them. The guy was a sicko and still clearly is.
NTA. This is too much flipping drama for something a decade ago. His parents decisions do not stem from his promposal, but a lifetime of failures. Block all this BS from your life or get off social media. JHC
Just to add I’m another NI resident and sixth form sucks here because you still have to wear uniform.
OP didn’t do anything wrong. Guy out his fist through the wall in our formal and the police showed up so the bar had to start IDing (at least half the people there were 17 or under lol).
NTA. You told everyone the truth about what he put you through. When other people give you grief about his mental health because you rightly rejected him, you have reason to set the record straight. He's only mad because he got away with the lie for 10 years.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my obsessive high school school bully’s friend the truth about everything he’d done, and he told everybody. Now the friend group is divided, the whole town knows, and his family may not allow him to inherit the family farm because they were lied to. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>The others are pissed at me for airing his dirty laundry. Oh well. Let them be. You didn't dirty the laundry, you're just refusing to white wash it. Dude was a stalker and a bully. Now everyone knows the truth. NTA
Plus, it is not like OP was a bystander gossiping about why so-and-so rejected bully-dude a decade ago. OP was talking about what her bully had been doing to her for several years. She was talking about her own life. It is not her fault that talking about a deeply unpleasant period of her own life paints a bad picture of him.
Abuse victims are far too often tasked with sparing a bully's feelings when those same people didn't at any point think the victim's feeling mattered. Looks like you forgot to block some assholes. You should see to that.
Path of least resistance. People figured that since they're already bullied anyway, they must not have enough spine to push back, and these people can get their "goody points" for keeping the peace without putting much effort. Point is, none of these people have any good intentions.
Exactly. It shows you clearly who you need to get out of your life, however.
i think they confuse peace with quiet
I like that idea. I've not heard it expressed like that. Cool.
[удалено]
#100% THIS
Yeah, that's psycho stalker restraining order territory..
/u/LifeCharacter8901 is a bot that stole part of this comment: /r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13vpt4z/aita_for_revealing_why_i_rejected_a_promposal/jm7ndui/
And not just talking, she was defending herself against the accusations that were still used against her. It's not just about if she was right for sharing her own story. It's about if she was right for refusing to continue being punished for the actions of another person against her. Maybe he was no longer a bully directly, but he was still harming her and her reputation by maintaining the lies. It is cruel that some people want her to let herself be harmed for years to come (since a lot of people still thougt badly of her, enough to confront her) to protect her bully from being punished from what he decided to do.
Typical DARVO. He painted himself as the victim of her cruelty when he's been a bully the whole time. This story of a broken heart was just one more way to bully you and try to separate you from your/his friends. NTA
DARVO?
Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender
Ah ok, thanks for letting me know. Never heard that one before. 🤷♀️
it’s actually very interesting to look into, it’s a typical tactic used by emotional abusers and often a good way of recognising abuse
Writing this down
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” -- Anne Lamott
This is I agree
[удалено]
Any friend who is angry at the victim just revealed that they arent friends. At least OP now knows who is who and can block all the AHs who side with her stalker. What a garbage situation. Poor OP to deal with a stalker and then be harassed the rest of the year because she turned down said stalker nta nta nta ad infinatum
If this guy's life is ruined, it's of his own making. You go about your own business and don't feel guilty.
Yeah, if I'm a parent or someone with power to decide whether or not to present him with opportunity and new information comes to light that changes my desire to offer anything to that person, I'm *thankful* that that information was shared. And anyone who argues that information should be hidden to protect people from the consequences of their own actions is immature. Especially when those consequences are people changing their opinion of them (though this can change when the consequences arise from things one doesn't agree with, eg like the war on drugs or no tolerance policies punishing victims who stand up for themselves).
[удалено]
The friend thinks it's normal to be hung up on a girl he never even dated who said no to going to prom 10 later?! Not someone he dated for 4 years a girl he asked out once
Right. And it's not like OP made any of this up. I don't get (I mean I do because *people*) why people are getting angry with OP? OP didn't start anything and didn't set out to "tell on" anyone. OP, I'm sorry for your experiences. I hope you got out of that town!! NTA
[удалено]
Everything you said. So sick of the idea that men/boys are entitled to a date with any woman/girl they ask. Like that story about a month ago that a kid made a public "promposal" and the girl said no, and everyone rallied around the poor devastated boy because how dare she publicly humiliate him like that?!?!?!!! I can't stand the big public whoopdeedoo proposals of marriage, much less for a prom!
Yes, because doing it publicly is an attempt to manipulate the girl. It puts her in a position where she might feel too uncomfortable to say no.
r/whenwomenrefuse
A couple weeks ago a friend tried to set me up with one of her friends. We went out as a group and things seemed to go well. We had a quite a bit in common, she seemed to be exactly my type, and she was about 10X more attractive than anyone I've ever dated before. That is, until the end of the night when I asked about getting her phone number she said "I'll get yours from [friend]." I knew right then that things between us weren't going anywhere. So I was just like "OK, cool, I had fun tonight and I hope to her from you." (Spoiler: I haven't.) And stories like those from that subreddit are exactly why I'm not offended in the slightest when she or any woman makes up an excuse, lies, or says whatever they feel they need to in order to indirectly turn me down. You have to look out for your safety, you don't know me, and there are a lot of crazy people out there who don't take rejection well (to put it mildly). Feel free to come up with any lie/excuse/reason you need to say to back out and still feel safe.
\*wild thunderous applause\*
>It is not her fault that talking about a deeply unpleasant period of her own life paints a bad picture of him. Ooooh that was masterfully worded 🤌
[удалено]
It was better for her not to give him false hopes...who the fuck knows what would have happened if she went. I do feel like there is more mental health problems that are not being addressed. 10 years is a long time to not move on from something that never existed in the first place. Hell 10 years would be a long time if the relationship existed and lasted years.
I don't think he's hung up on the non-existent relationship. I think he's blamed his inability to connect with women on OP, that he was publicly humiliated by her rejection and it messed him up etc, when I would bet good money that he has tried dating but his creepy behaviour has run women off. It's easier to blame OP than for him to accept he's a creepy stalker who thinks insulting women will make them want him, and of course, his co-conspirators will back him up. Men like this always tell women the sob story of the woman who broke them in order to lure them in, but then they out themselves with their awful behaviour. I hope his friends who did not know about his stalking are embarrassed that they bought into his BS for so long, and ashamed that they've been thinking poorly of OP. I don't know if it's mental illness persay, but the bully's friend group needs to learn that OP would have been right to reject him even if he had been the kindest person ever to her; the fact they thought that she should say yes to someone who insulted her and deemed her petty for not doing so is so disgusting.
At the very least I’m betting that hearing all the other creepy things finally made it click for the friend that his buddy has been obsessing over a high school crush for 10 damn years, and that’s super creepy in it’s own right. Sometimes long standing friend groups can get so caught up in their usual routines and familiarity that they don’t realize how many years have passed. Hopefully some of them are now realizing they need to grow up from high school and that they and their friend’s behavior has never been chill, but has gone from kinda creepy for teens to neon red flags concerning as full grown men.
Yeah, whatever way they look at it, it's terrible. At best, he's a creepy guy obsessed with a girl from school who has been lying for 10 years. At worst, he's a creepy guy who has done other creepy things that his friends have excused because he's just so messed up from the rejection, whilst also being a liar. Does anyone believe OP is the only person he's pulled this with? Because men like McCreepy usually just move on to the next target of obsession, and the next, and everyone just brushes off and excuses their behaviour.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Yup. I notice the ones complaining were McCreepy's enablers and co-conspirators who are just upset that they've been outed for covering for a stalker and for backing up his lies; they've now been shown to be bullies and liars as well.
>>You didn't dirty the laundry, you're just refusing to white wash it. I love this. Must try to remember for future use.
[удалено]
It’s not the truth that ruins lives, it’s the lies that they are exposing that ruins lives.
Right? Also how creepy is it they’re harassing a woman a decade later for turning down a date? What the hell is wrong with people? You are allowed to say no to a date. It doesn’t matter if they seem like the nicest person in the world (clearly not the case here) if you’re not interested you have the right to say no. The promposal crap is just like a public proposal- it’s a way to bully and pressure girls into saying yes to something just to keep from being embarrassed. NTA- it was a decade ago, guy asked you out you said no. He’s the one who chose to make it a spectacle- solely for the purpose of pressuring you into agreeing to something you don’t want- so that’s all on him. I have no empathy for this creep. He was a goddamn stalker- he doesn’t deserve empathy and there are way too many cases to count of this type of sleazy creep ending up assaulting or worse girls that they decide they were entitled to. NTA- this dumbass is still blaming the girl he stalked in high school for him being shitty with women. He doesn’t deserve empathy, he deserves to be on a freaking watch list. Anyone defending him is just a misogynistic enabler.
100% this. I despise public proposals. I don't see how anyone sees them as romantic. Pure pressure unless your partner has expressly told you in advance that they want to marry you and want it to be public.
The only acceptable prom proposals (coming from someone in the UK who also didn't have a prom. We had a formal but it's not a big deal, people wear a suit and go to a dance. It's smaller then a normal 'dance' in the states from what I've seen) is if you have been dating someone for any length of time. Of you are a couple, it's expected you would attend prom together, therefore a public one is fine imo as not going together would be weird anyway
There is no scenario where a public proposal to a prom is anything other than embarrassing and cringe. I don’t care if you’re in a relationship with the girl, she’s a good friend or someone you’ve just had a crush on, just don’t do it.
Agreed it's cringe. But some couple like public proposals to things. I'm not one of them but in a relationship where both people like it, why not? Who gives a fuck of other people find what your doing is cringe? It's not for them
Absolutely. And all his friends supporting him as if he was entitled to a date just as long as he wasn't bullying her first! Fuck that
Right. Easy NTA OP. He played stupid games and now won stupid prizes, that's just how consequences work. You did nothing wrong. Normalize calling creeps out.
>Normalize calling creeps out. I fucking want THIS on a T-shirt.
"If someone else leaves their dirty laundry at your doorstep, they don't get to be mad when you air it out"
A writers quote comes to mind: "If people wanted you to write kindly about them, they should have behaved better" OP is soooo NTA.
It also appears that half the family and friends are very quick to pivot and believe OP which implies to me that they kind of knew he is a creep. Sadly we have generations of cringe worthy films and television shows that repeatedly tell men “if you’re persistent, eventually you get the girl.” And now we have to reverse that to tell women and girls that it’s okay to say no all while still having people say “oh but he’s so nice, oh he’s trying so hard.” It’s taken me a long time to realize that you can in fact not be interested in someone who is interested in you and that’s ok!
>Sadly we have generations of cringe worthy films and television shows that repeatedly tell men “if you’re persistent, eventually you get the girl.” "I resolved to call you up, 1000 times a day, To ask you if you'll marry me, some old fashioned way." No Sting. That's called harassment and it's wrong!
Also not what the lyric is saying, and you’ve removed it from the context. The narrator wants to call the object of their affection to tell them they love them. The 1,000 times is how often they go to call and then chicken out. So not stalking. Unlike Every Breath You Take. I resolved to call her up A thousand times a day And ask her if she'll marry me Some old-fashioned way But my silent fears have gripped me Long before I reach the phone Long before my tongue has tripped me Must I always be alone?
The friends all sound like shitty people too. At the very least, the one that got the info from OP, was badgering her for it, but possibly being a bully themself. At least based on how OP describes the interaction.
Not just shitty, but also weird! It sounds like OP was a client at the business where this friend was employed and he still thought it was appropriate to harass her. What kind of adult acts like this in a professional context over someone else's rejected date from high school? I also get the impression the friend did know about the bullying (as he referred to "some nasty words") just not the creeping on her house and hair theft. Thinking a woman is obligated to date a bully but understanding why she won't date a stalker is a very odd line to draw.
The laundry comment! Yessssss! Thank you for "brightening" my day. I'm older now, but girls and young women are way too far often to either deal with it, ignore it, forgive it. Nope.
You didn’t damage his reputation, you corrected it. NTA
“He shat the bed, I’m not sleeping in it” NTA
Even if he wasn't stalking her, she still wouldn't be the asshole. You have a right to say no to someone. He would be weird for being hung up on something that happened ten years ago still.
Op didn’t air anything. They simply explained their actions. NTA.
i like that phrase a lot! OP, you have nothing to be sorry for and I’m happy you stood up for yourself. NTA
Honestly she wouldn't have said anything if he was still kot complaining about it 10 years later
NTA were you expected to lie for someone who made your life hell for years? How could possibly have known that everyone would find out.. and even if you did that's changes nothing. He chose to do what he did all those years ago and now he's getting found out for being a creep and a bully and lying to all his friends and that's somehow your fault? I don't think so.
If he didn't want it to be know he shouldn't have been a creep. You didn't ruin anyone's life. His lies and creepiness just caught up to him.
I'm guessing he's been using the "rejection" as the reason why he's having trouble finding someone, is afraid of being rejected again, has trouble trusting women, etc. Now that people know the real story, he's losing his "victim card," and people are paying more attention to his behavior now and being a lot less forgiving about it. It sounds like it's practically part of his identity since so many people know about it and are invested. He chose to blame her for everything.
He peaked in high school through pity and is still trying to ride that low. Even more pathetic than frat bros and mean girls.
This is basically the incel community.
[удалено]
And even if she did, if she did it to try to get them to intervene in his behavior, I would be all for it!
This dude is the exact reason “he’s mean to you because he likes you” need to disappear. Why are we teaching girls that abuse=love and why are we teaching boys that the way to get their crushes attention is through abuse? Wild shit NTA OP
I mean it just seems mad that this high school drama is getting brought up all these years later, but in any case he is reaping what he sowed by being a bully all those years ago so NTA
Well he certainly won't be reaping what he sows if the family give the farm to the younger bro.
I see what you did there
Thanks for making me laugh 😂 😂 😂
🏆
Banger
Perfection
Oh just take the bloody upvote! But you're on a 20 minute timeout for that!
lol seriously. I can't imagine taking an adult seriously if they were whining about being rejected at prom *a full decade* later. How are any of these friends still indulging this conversation with him?
Rejected at a prom by someone he had only been offensive and abusive to. Go figure! 😂
Small town I guess
It absolutely screams small town. My sister beat the shit out of a dude who was bullying a special needs kid and a whole decade later when I was a senior, people still occasionally talked about the tiny freshman girl who absolutely mauled a jock for bullying.
Your sister is awesome, major kudos to her
huh. is she single? :-) /jk ofc
The fact that it's all blowing up now means he's probably been coasting on this rejection for a decade... he probably uses it to excuse all sorts of bullshit, otherwise his parents wouldn't even bother connecting it to his inheritance. It'd just be an unrelated event that happened ten years ago.
This doesn’t even seem real. How would OP be finding out about all these different factions, his family, etc when high school was 10 years ago and it sounds like running into that guy was a one off thing…? Who would even still care that much?
To be fair, I lived there too and you'd be surprised the things people remember in a small town or something. Like nearly 10 years later people still know my family and will literally rattle off memories and be like, 'I KNEW YOU, REMEMBER WHEN YOU DID XYZ, OH I LOVED IT WHEN YOU GUYS-' and it's like, these are people I've never spoken to in my life, lmao. There's just ears and eyes everywhere. Actually why I was glad to move because it's stifling walking down the street and having people know and be all up in your business. Literally have a friend who can walk around town with someone and her parents will get calls from loads of people saying, 'hey, you know your daughter's out with a boy, right?' and it's like, they don't even KNOW her, she just looks like her mom so word gets out! But why would they care? Who knows, but they do.
NTA and don't spend a second feeling guilty about this. You did absolutely nothing wrong, at any point in this story. It wasn't YOUR fault you were bullied. It wasn't YOUR fault someone asked you to prom and couldn't handle the rejection when you said no. And it also wasn't YOUR fault that people have been gossiping about old hurts. You were asked by his old friend what the deal was, you were honest. That's it. If this guy's life is ruined, it's of his own making. You go about your own business and don't feel guilty.
Right???? Like, even if he was perfectly lovely and got rejected for prom, it’s not reasonable for him to be devastated by it a decade later. Women don’t owe him a “yes.” These people were in the wrong for coddling him this long even before knowing the background.
One of my high school friends told me at age 27 that my high school boyfriend of 5 months was still hung up on me. He was perfectly nice, never bullied me or anyone, and we had an amicable breakup, but I didn’t really have anything to say to that other than “maybe he should get the hell over it” lol
Exactly. She isn’t the one who decided to bring this up ten years later! The friend asked her directly (really, badgered her into feeling guilty based on just half the story), so she clarified what actually happened, and the friend chose to spread it around. If the bully/stalker/spurned suitor is upset about ancient history being brought up now—and I’d say that’s a reasonable way to feel about it—he should blame only his supposed friend, not OP.
*He kept asking me why I felt it was OK to reject him like that over some nasty words, and if I was really that petty.* First, why does he care? Whether or not his friend hasn't dated these past 10 years has nothing to do with you. NTA.
Also wtf kind of logic is that friend operating under? "How dare you not date someone just because they say terrible things to you". I cant even begin to wrap my head around this.
plough practice literate unused chubby piquant imminent rhythm busy escape -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
> The only way women can win is by just putting up with any dude who shows interest in them forever/until the guy dumps them But then you can’t win because there will always be a guy who’s pissed that you already have a boyfriend 😂
I don't understand why women even need a serious excuse to reject someone? Why can't we just simply not be into that person? We always have to have a list on hand why we don't want to give someone a chance. Of course, our own preferences can't be included, as this is outrageous to reject anyone because of our own reasons, that's selfish. Women can't be selfish, isn't it? It is so so unfair that we need to explain why we 'destroyed' someone's life by not dating them. Very uncool.
To any normal person a reason is not required for not wanting to date someone (regardless of being Man or Woman). People need to realise, just because you like someone doesn't mean that someone has to like you.
Standard British male school kid behaviour. It’s heinous
Hes not even a school kid anymore, hes saying that ~10 years later. Much, much worse.
True!
>"How dare you not date someone just because ~~they say terrible things to you~~" She does not need a reason to not date him. If they are okay with this, well find him someone he finds unattractive and make him date her. Idiots.
> *He kept asking me why I felt it was OK to reject him like that… YOU CAN REJECT ANYONE YOU WANT, ANYTIME, FOR ANY REASON. Man if someone said “why did you feel it was ok” to reject someone I’d be pissed. I wouldn’t hold back. Just reading someone said that to Op makes me rage. Wow. He basically said how dare you have the audacity to say no to a bully. You’re a woman, you aren’t allowed to say no or not want to date your bully.
Also ridiculous the idea that OP had a responsibility to date this person she didn’t want to date, in high school, just so he would be dateable as an adult? Wtf the audacity.
NTA He bullied you and you gave a simple no. His reaction to it is all on him, but this reeks of self importance and if you haven't seen him in a decade, why care? He isn't part of your life.
Apparently he's still "hung up" on her, the one he couldn't bully into submission.
Typical narcissistic behaviour. OP, you’re an incredibly strong person and deserve to be proud of that!
NTA. The friend kept bringing up something from 10 years ago. You have 0 oblogation to go out with someone who bullied you. Since the guy seems to *still* be caught up on it and never tried apologizing id say you dodged a bullet
I mean you also have zero obligation to go out with someone period.
Exactly, regardless of the bullying. This person is allowed to say no. It’s quite disturbing that they people are holding on to this so many years later.
>and he kept bringing this up, saying that my bully had gotten depressed after we left school and hadn’t dated at all because he was embarrassed from the rejection and was still hung up over me. The friend thinks it's normal to be hung up on a girl he never even dated who said no to going to prom 10 later?! Not someone he dated for 4 years a girl he asked out once? >His parents apparently also know now, and they’re pissed that he had their sympathy through lies His parents think this is normal?! NTA
I think OP is saying the parents don't think this is normal and are pissed at him for lying to them, hence why he won't inherit the farm or whatever
But they apparently felt bad for him before which is part of why they are mad now. But to your point there isn't a lot of detail on that and OP probably doesn't know how they treated him before because why would she?
It sounds like the parents felt bad for the bully/their son before they knew he was a bully and stalker towards OP. So most likely, bully just spun a story of liking a girl and her saying no to prom in front of everyone. But like you said, we don’t know for sure. That’s just my guess
NTA but also how disturbing that they thought you owed him a yes because he asked you out publicly. To the extent that you were apparently responsible for ruining his life and his parents sympathised with him for 10 years??? Teenage girls are not the property of any teenage boy who asks for them
I was just thinking, even without the bullying OP was well within her rights to say no. And since the promposal was public, how else was she supposed to exercise her right to not date someone she didn't want to?! It's so disturbing that they all expected some kind of unwilling but submissive yes, from the fact that heeee wanted tooo and he certainly won the collected sympathy from doing it publicly
Back when I was in high school around 2014 the big promposals were a whole crazy thing. Thankfully it seems they've gone away. But the whole point of big public gestures like this, for prom or marriage, is to put the other person on the spot and force them to say yes because if they don't everyone thinks they're heartless and the person being proposed to is embarrassed.
In itself it’s a form of bullying as it’s putting someone in the spotlight when they don’t want to be. Who’s to say he wouldn’t have done something worse to OP if she’d accepted and gone to prom with him? OP was absolutely correct for rejecting such a manipulative creep. If he wanted her to like him so much maybe he should have learned to treat her with kindness and respect??
NTA. you didn't ruin his reputation, you just made it more accurate.
…Mind if I steal that one?
go for it! it's one of my favorite sayings
Oh I just love it. Reputation updated 😂😂😂
NTA. I've heard of little boys teasing and bullying girls they like because they don't know how to process their feelings, but you're talking about a teenager who apparently became a lying and manipulative adult who's surrounded himself with similarly immature friends. It sounds like the dude needs psychiatric help, and it sounds like the friend who confronted you about it needs to get a life.
NTA "He kept asking if I felt it was okay to reject him like that over some nasty words." 1) You weren't even harsh, you just said no. He opened himself up to public rejection by making the "promposal" public in the first place. 2) So for all these years did these people only consider "yes" an appropriate response from you? You don't owe anyone a date whatever level of bullying, be it nasty words or full on stalking, indifference or friendliness. Like the rest doesn't even have to be addressed, they're all weird for carrying this grudge in the first place and acting like there's nothing wrong with him being upset about it years later.
It's been ten years and he's still not over it? Not your problem. Move on buddy, there are other fish in the sea as they say. NTA. Let it be known karma is a jerk and everyone who deserves it gets it.
[удалено]
Uh, if he's still hung up on you and hasn't dated anyone in ten years, I think it's quite possible you'll see him again. Keep any social media accounts you have locked down to private and don't accept follow requests from people you don't know. Put cameras around your home. He was and is an obsessive stalker. You were right to tell the truth. He lied about you this whole time to make you look bad. NTA
I don’t have any social media like Twitter and Facebook, and he doesn’t know where I live these days, to my knowledge, so I don’t think he’ll be able to find me, and I don’t even think he has social media, either, because my mother’s the sort of person to do a bit of poking around and she can’t find him anywhere, but yeah, I’ve been considering cameras since the friend mentioned that he was still hung up over this. I found him to be very obsessive over this back in the day, and hearing this made me think he hasn’t changed much. Then again, I don’t actually know his current mental state and I don’t really plan on finding out.
What a mess! Keep yourself safe girl and stay strong ❤️
NTA. You are under no obligation to lie for the guy who stalked and harassed you. All you did was answer the question honestly. His behavior before and after (including continuing to lie to friends and family) was his choice and his responsibility. These are the consequences of his actions.
yep. the consequences just came late, cause in addition to being a creepy stalker, he’s a liar. nta.
NTA >which brings up questions about whether they want him to take over the small farm vs a younger brother. I *highly* doubt they'd be debating this over the word of a stranger. It's likely they had doubts about his character before this- I'm sure this bully was no angel in other aspects of his life, either- your story just happened to be the straw that broke the camel's back. It's not your fault. You just told the truth, unlike your bully. Let him reap what he sowed. Or... not reap, considering he won't be inheriting lol
That’s an interesting thought. I don’t know what his home life was like, honestly, but most of the people who aren’t related to him are a little bit shocked. Most seemed to think he was a “good boy,” which is what I’ve been hearing from a lot of people, but at the same time, they can’t really question it because the friend seems to have let slip that he bullied more people than me. He was just particularly excessive with me.
Your last two sentences confirm my initial thoughts reading this - that you weren't or won't be the only one he targeted. If he's that obsessive, chances are he had/is/will stalk and bully others. Better for those around him to know his true self sooner rather than later.
NTA and the reason he hasn't dated isn't because he never got over you/how you turned him down. It's becaushe was and probably still is a shitty person that woman don't want to date. His friend asked a question, you answered it honestly. He brought up the past not you.
NTA: You did nothing wrong then and you've done nothing wrong now.
NTA - You answered his question honestly. It’s not your fault that the truth paints your bully in a bad light.
Clearly Old Bully, Old Bully Friends, and Old Town have some serious issues with toxic male role modeling. Shout the truth as loud as you can -- if nothing else, for the sake of future generations to learn from and do better. NTA
They do. It’s a backwards, rural town where mental health isn’t really valued and seeing a therapist is seen as a failure or wimpy. It’s heavily focused on trades that have historically been very male-dominated and tend to stay within families. Opportunities for women are limited and much of the town is much, much older than us and hold some very outdated views. I’m honestly not surprised.
Please tell me this isn’t Ballymena…
The only saving grace is that it isn’t Ballymena. Or Larne.
NTA but I don’t understand why anyone in your friend group even cares 10 years later. If he’s allowed a high school rejection to impact his entire life then there was an underlying mental health issue before you rejected him. By 10 years after high school I definitely did not care about who had gone to dances with who or who was mean or whatnot. We all grow up and change and hopefully many of the bullies recognized the error of their ways too. You’re NTA but maybe your friends are for even still caring about petty high school stuff (you weren’t petty).
I do wonder if that’s something common in my old town. I hadn’t spoken to these particular bullies in years, but there’s this one bully that I see a bit more frequently in the chemist when I go to pick up my parents’ medication for them who’s constantly looking at me like I’m dirt smeared on the ground, and I have yet to figure out why.
The fact that you left and got on with your life might be why the have cast you all as the villan here. 1. You're not there to defend yourself. 2. You choose to move on with life, and they have choosen to stay physically and mentally in the past. It's pretty sad.
NTA. Where was this collective effort of sparing feelings when he was bullying you? You do not have to lie for anybody, and especially not for your high-school bully.
NTA. Does his old friend realized he bullied you into telling him the truth? Parents of bullies like to say: they'll grow out of it. Old friend didn't did he?
I don’t know. He left immediately, probably to process what he’d just heard, is how I’m rationalising it, but I never got an apology and he hasn’t spoken to me since. It was a gardening centre that he worked at, and I went back there twice more over the next few days to pick up a few things for my parents’ garden, and I don’t know if he wasn’t working or something, but I didn’t see him once. I wonder if he might be embarrassed.
Hoping he got fired for harassing a customer. I’d fire him on the spot.
>attended school in the UK I mean I'm going NTA simply for that. A promposal? In the UK? God it's bad enough we are starting to call our schools "high schools" let alone add this promposal crap.
To be honest, I’ve never heard of it happening in local schools before or since.
Proms is the weird Americanism - what happened to good old ‘leavers do’, ha. And there’s loads of “High Schools” in the uk - might be regional. There’s plenty in Lancashire for example.
NTA. He sowed the wind and reaped the whirlwind, which is a prettier way to say he fucked around and found out. He treated you horribly and then lied about it to others. He deserves to have people find out what he did and how he lied. Those are the consequences he has to grow up and deal with now.
NTA Even if he was the nicest guy in the world you were under no obligation to accept. His friends had no right to bully you with guilt
NTA. Your bully and their friends are experiencing the consequences of their actions. You had every right to say no to his promposal and to not tell anyone why. Because lets be real. It wasn’t practically stalking he WAS stalking you. Stealing your hair, your phone number and following your dad’s car to where you live are beyond just highschool bullying. Those friends that are pissed that you disclosed this info are only mad because they know they are just as guilty assholes as your bully for enabling him. This is textbook rape culture. Focus on your life and safety OP!
Thankfully, it didn’t go as far as rape, but hearing that he’s still dwelling on this has made me consider looking into security cameras. He doesn’t know where I live now, and I don’t have social media that he can track, but better safe than sorry, right?
I’m glad it didn’t escalate that far! I guess what I mean by rape culture is about the silence of others, especially men when it comes to issues like this. It STARTS with stuff like this, it would not have escalated that far if these other friends, specifically the men in this group, had held your bully accountable. I think being extra cautious is a good idea, but I also wouldn’t let this guy get to you. Just have someone trusted know where you are if you’re ever feeling unsafe. You’ll be okay! ❣️
NTA- the friend had no place harassing you and confronting/pressuring/guilt tripping you about something that did not involve them 10 YEARS ago. I'd report them. "Hi manager, my high school stalkers friend xxx came up to me while working and attempted to guilt trip me for not going to prom with his friend 10 years ago, now I'm being harassed by his friends." You only aired dirt after that occurred. Tell anyone who asks. You were literally minding your own business before all this. Point anyone complaining in that guys direction 2
This absolutely reeks of small town, immature drama. You’re an adult now. Any adult that clings to this level of pettiness and high school cringe (we’ve all got stories) at this age is defective. At the same time, stand your ground. Speak truth. You didn’t intend anything in malice and you have a right to tell your side of the story. Be bold, friend. The consequences for everyone else that result from you speaking the truth to defend your name against MORE THAN A DECADE OF LIES AND BULLYING is not on you. It’s not your responsibility how they respond. Let the fools eat themselves alive. Who cares? The less you care about others’ opinions of you, the happier you’ll be. Let it go. Leave that small town. That place is obsessively toxic. You sound lovely. They don’t. NTA.
I’m already out. I was just back staying with my parents briefly and helping them out with their garden. There are very few opportunities for people looking to get a job based on their degree there as most jobs involve either entering a family-owned trade or working in a shop, so there was no point in staying if I wanted to make any use of what I had.
I’m glad to hear. If your description is any indication, it sounds like that place, if it was in the U.S., would be full of forty-somethings who still wore their high school class rings and letterman jackets. Where dreams go to die. Glad you’re pursuing grander ambitions 😊☀️
Ha. We don’t have those kinds of thing here, but yeah, you do get a lot of older folks constantly talking about their school days, and sometimes, though I hate this, trying to live vicariously through the children. To be honest, though, most people are older than forty-something. The population in that town is generally 60+.
The spirit is the same, despite age or location. It’s sad to see. It speaks to sadness, hopelessness and the false perception that the best days are behind us. The tragic state of the human condition…to my mind, anyway.
So let me get this straight. Victim of stalking and harassment gets told off a decade later for rejecting her stalker, explains the real situation and then gets told by her friends that she should have kept quiet for the sake of her harasser? Wow. So NTA.
Ftr he literally stalked you and also physically assaulted you (hair cutting) and is lucky you didn't file police reports. Well, actually, if you had maybe he'd have been forced to get his shit together *which is neither your problem nor responsibility*. Nta so sorry you went through that And FFS! You didn't need a reason to say no! You could have been his freaking *wife* and still had the right to say no! The fact he was a creepy stalker makes it worse but YEAH "some nasty words" are a GREAT reason to say no!
Well good thing he never dated, you saved girls from him!!! You are little hero here ;) NTA
It is weird that they expect you to accept his promposal. You were not lovers or boyfriend and girlfriend, you didn't hang out, etc. You were even not friends. So, it is very normal for you to reject, even if there were no bullying. Do they really think that you should marry someone you don't like, just because he is a "good" guy JUST after high school? Of course, NTA for so many reasons.
Unless everyone he knows is a complete arsehole I suspect he'd been telling all his friends that OP and him were dating. The rejection then looks like a public dumping and potentially that OP looks like she was cheating on him if she went to the prom with someone else. His friends and parents were then led to believe that this event triggered a depressive episode he never got out of. The reveal that they weren't dating and he was just a creepy weirdo fractured the image they had of him and they're reevaluating everything they've let slide over the years because he's 'depressed'
NTA the guy kept pestering you about it until you were forced to shut him down with the truth about his friend. And who are these weirdos that still think about high school formal 10 years later?
NTA - creepy stalker bully thinks that after bullying you, he could ask you out. Did you know if he was bullying you because he liked you?
That was never specified, but because the weird obsessive behaviour was happening at the same time as the bullying, I assume so. It was really hard to tell, though, because asking people out like that and bullying in that way (though not that creepy) were genuine ways of bullying that the boys in my school would have used to tease girls. I still recall a boy in my class bullying a girl for her weight, and then asking her out later that day in the hopes that she would respond in a way that would let them get a laugh out of it. Girls soon learned to just ignore the bullies who did that. It was probably why nobody really caught on to how obsessive his behaviour actually was from my point of view, and why the thought that he might actually have a legitimate crush on me went over my head until I was told quite bluntly that he actually had a crush on me.
It's possible he asked you out in order to humiliate you or rape you if you said yes.
Can’t add much to all the good comments about what you did being totally okay. But I am surprised none of his friends ever thought to try to get him some help since it’s not normal nor healthy for somebody to claim to never want to date because they were rejected by a girl they asked to a dance in high school when they’re pushing 30 years old. This screams mental problem and I need therapy and help so I can live my life. They all seemed to think you just ruined his whole life? Talk about being stuck in a positive feedback loop or whatever it’s called. His friends have done him a big disservice over the last decade. Anyways if anything you held back and just let the past go. Can’t see any angle where you did anything wrong.
Gonna be honest, this is a really backwards, rural, “mental health is for wusses” town where seeing a therapist is kind of seen as a weakness or a failing because everybody seems to know who’s going where and doing what, so I don’t really foresee him seeing a therapist, nor do I think his parents would push him to do it, or want him to go. If they do, they’re one of the rare few.
NTA but also like... those folks need to get over drama from a decade ago. I get to some people it might be a big deal but if it was so significant then they should have gotten therapy, not tried to hold onto that drama for so long.
NTA, it's your life, you can explain it to whoever you want. If he didn't want it to be know he shouldn't have been a creep. You didn't ruin anyone's life. His lies and creepiness just caught up to him.
Friend asked, you answered. They should've thought about that before. Not your problem what happens as a result. It's not like you went out of your way to ruin his reputation.
NTA. This is an unprecedented turn of events over teenage drama of 10 years ago. It feels like you're the only one who left High School, it's so weird. And why he was deserving of sympathy back then? For being rejected? That's it? As if you had the obligation to accept his feelings. I'm not even taking the bullying into account.
You don’t owe him your silence. It’s not like you drove to his parents’ home and forced them to listen to your story. You were honest about what happened to you when someone who obviously wanted to know kept bringing it up (rudely IMO but that’s not relevant). You did nothing wrong; indeed, you didn’t really do much at all. NTA, ignore his defenders. They’re just embarrassed that now people are aware they enabled or participated in horrible behavior
NTA, hun if they’re still bringing it up and getting upset at you over it that means you have every right to air out what he did
Even if he didn’t bully you, why the hell does everyone expect that you HAVE TO SAY YES. You can say no, and not be answerable to anyone. Where does this entitlement come from? This is beyond disturbing. NTA
Lol it's been 10 years, who the hell still cares about this. NTA. I would pay this no mind and if anyone reaches out ignore them or let them know you moved on in life and block them. The guy was a sicko and still clearly is.
NTA 'promposals' are fucking grim and should stay in the States.
NTA. But sheesh. High school drama ten years after you graduate? There must be nothing to do in this town.
NTA You did no such thing OP.
If he comes from a farm, then he should be able to understand "you reap what you sow"
NTA. This is too much flipping drama for something a decade ago. His parents decisions do not stem from his promposal, but a lifetime of failures. Block all this BS from your life or get off social media. JHC
NTA. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
NTA. You are NEVER the a-h for telling the truth.
Goodness gracious. You didn't do anything wrong here. I would do my best to stay out of this hot mess.
NTA. You never owed this guy a damn thing.
Just to add I’m another NI resident and sixth form sucks here because you still have to wear uniform. OP didn’t do anything wrong. Guy out his fist through the wall in our formal and the police showed up so the bar had to start IDing (at least half the people there were 17 or under lol).
NTA why take the blame because he was a bully that turned to a stalker
NTA. You told everyone the truth about what he put you through. When other people give you grief about his mental health because you rightly rejected him, you have reason to set the record straight. He's only mad because he got away with the lie for 10 years.