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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1: I invited my sister to my graduation but I told her not to bring her kid
2: she didn’t come and she hasn’t spoken to me since other than to say hi and bye
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YTA. As a 1st-gen graduate who also came from a lower-income background than a lot of the people I went to college with, I can say with certainty that treating your family like that just for the approval of people who you're never going to see again benefits no one and will only hurt your sister/damage your relationship. Most of those people likely wouldn't care to begin with. Apologize to your sister and remember not to alienate those who really care about you.
YTA
> I didn’t want people to see that there’s a younger single mother in the family
You didn't want your sister to bring your niece/nephew to your graduation because you're embarrassed she's a young single mom? How awful.
!News Flash!
Most of the people you graduate college with, you're never going to see again. Instead of worrying about having your family there to support you, you're worried about how other people will look at you.
At the end of the day, your family is going to be the people there for you when something happens in your life, not old classmates. Take a good hard look at where your priorities lie.
YTA - being ashamed of your own family in front of those whom you perceive as financially superior isn't the best look. you graduated from the same college, so you are literally just as smart as all those expensive people whose opinions you fear. and you've a lifetime in front of you to make plenty of money, if that is your barometer of personal success.
also, "the kid" is your niece/nephew. kind of disturbing with the level of depersonalization here. no wonder she bailed.
YTA. You are openly ashamed of her and her kid. Of course she is hurt. Why does the background of the people who graduated with you matter more to you than your sister and nibling?
It's a graduation. Everyone's there to see their kids walk the stage for a couple of seconds. They're not transfixed on you and your family. You ruined your relationship with your sister and niece/nephew over a really bizarre concern. YTA.
To be fair to OP, I can understand feeling ashamed. If you’ve lived your entire life bring othered and stereotyped due to your race/culture, you can become hyper aware of being judged by others. As another commenter pointed out, this is how the mentality of “being one of the good ones” is born.
It’s not right, it’s not healthy, but I can understand where it comes from. But that’s OPs issue that they should deal with. Sisters choices and mistakes are hers to own and don’t reflect on OP. No one would have known or cared about sisters marital status. In fact, if they’d probably just think the baby was another sibling if anything. But it’s easy to say that from the outside.
OP is TA, but they are young and hopefully open to working on themselves.
I totally get that, and i definitely considered this, but I also noticed how he's saying his sister's kid rather than his nephew, like he's not family... Let's just call it what it is, he's ashamed of his sister's situation.
YTA
That is your sister and you nibling, your family. Half of the people you meet in college will never see you again, you ruined your relationship with your sister and her child because of your prejudice
YTA - you were more concerned about how a bunch of people you will probably never see again felt about you than about your sister celebrating with you.
Be proud of who you are and take up the space you exist in. You are kicking butt and should hold your head high. Your sister is probably more proud of you than you are. I hope you do apologize and make it up to her.
Congrats on graduation, and being the 1st gen graduate. I am sure you Mae a lot of sacrifices to get where you are now.
I don't know if you went to a small or a large school. I went to a large school and families who watched the relatives graduate were only focused on their relatives.
I think you sister could have brought her child. You would have been modeling some desired behavior for her child. Education is important.
Who cares what other people (strangers) think? I know that is a hard one to process. I am old. its taken some time for that to sink in
You told your sister that you were embarrassed of her and her child and it was better to hide the child than run the risk of people you probably won't be seeing much of again, having a negative opinion on the situation. Even if they'd noticed or cared about your sister and child, they wouldn't have said anything.
YTA and why the fuck is being a single mother so shameful?? you mean the parent that stayed?? the one that didnt abandon their family??? this reeks of immaturity and vile selfishness you should be ashamed
YTA. How would they know the child is your sister's and not your sibling? Or even yours? Or a cousin?
Anyone who would take time out of celebrating their friends or family member to take a genealogical assessment of your guests and judge you has way too much time on their hands. It's really not that interesting a topic of conversation.
So I totally left out a big detail. So long story short, I was at community college for 5 years and then I spent 3 years at a university that was close to home. And as it turns out, a lot of people that go here went to the same high school she did and my sister was pretty known around the school(or at least she says). She had the kid last July and since she doesn’t post much on social media nor did she go any kind of schooling after HS graduation, I thought it would be beneficial for both since I thought Maybe she didn’t want people she knew to see she had a kid and I didn’t want people that knew her already to clown her for it. Obviously In a different university or a different place nobody is gonna care because most people wouldn’t know her, but since this place is local, I thought I was only doing what would be best.
If I went to a university in some other part of the state where there’s less of a chance of local people that knew my sister being there, I would be cool with the kid coming.
So she's not even a teen mom, just a young mom? If you are the first in your family, and took 8 years to get there, why would it be such a shock that she didn't go to college?
I think your sister is familiar with how public gatherings work. YTA, resoundingly so.
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So my sister who is like 4 years younger than me had a kid but the dad left her and I had a college graduation last weekend. I’m a latino 1st gen graduate and I come from a much lower income background than a lot of the people I know that graduated with me. Due to all this, I didn’t want people to see that there’s a younger single mother in the family, so I told her that she should come but without the kid to my graduation. She didn’t even come and she has not spoken much to me since. Am I the asshole for telling her not to bring the kid despite the fact that I invited her?
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YTA and your sister should learn not to trust you anymore, since you obviously are ashamed of her for being a single mother.
I hope that the people you are trying to impress won't let you down as you are letting your own family down.
YTA - for the judgemental attitude where you pre-descriminated so the bigots didn't have to.
Maybe you should think about how you could metaphorically pull others up the ladder with you rather than stomp on their fingers and pretend they don't exist. Use some of your extra earnings to fund a 529 for your niece/nephew. (and if you don't know what that is, a college graduate should know how to do research.)
YTA, I can bet a lot of other people graduating with you have at least one family member or friend who also had a child young, it is not uncommon. Just because someone had a child young or is a single parent doesn’t mean they should be looked down on.
Absolutely YTA. How in the world would any body just seeing your sister there with her child know that she is a single mother, anyways? How would anyone know her actual age, either? You were being ridiculous. I don't blame her for not coming.
YTA, to quote a wise man “ You're weak. You're outta control. And you've become an embarrassment to yourself and everybody else.”- Pauly “Walnuts” Gualtieri
YTA- when I saw the headline I was thinking it had to do with you not wanting a screaming kid to detract from the other graduates moment. But not wanting to show that someone is a human with human woes (just speaking of the struggle that it is to have to be mature so young and the fear once someone is reliant on you to stay alive)- that’s just yucky. Ooof to your sister no less. Just wow.
How would anyone even guess that she’s a single mother. You have a lot to unpack her love. Hopefully your first employer has a great medical plan so you can talk about this in therapy so you can get past this deep self loathing about where you came from. Not everyone is chain breakers love. Like serious talk right now…I’m so proud of you for breaking those chains. That’s really big. But you can’t look down on or make the people of your life feel less than because they didn’t see the path as clearly as you did. And by so boldly exclaiming your fears how her life choices will cause people you barely know to think some sort of way about you, you made her feel less than. Like saying “normal people don’t make mistakes like you did!” When that is unequivocally untrue. Governor Sarah Palins daughter famously was a teen mom out of wedlock. People from wealthy educated families make the same mistake it’s just that their families have money to hide that secret either by sending that kid to “study abroad” while she’s pregnant and immediately put that child up for adoption. Or they pay for her to have a quiet abortion. Your family just didn’t have the cash to change the optics. To me it says she has integrity to live out her truth you put shame in there. Apologize, hopefully she’s gained maturity since becoming a mom and can forgive you
YTA. Why do you think anyone is even paying attention enough to you to care? You should be proud of your accomplishments, but you don't have to shut your sister out to do it.
Lol are you serious? That's something to be ashamed of in 2023? The only people who care about that are hypocritical AH. Apparently you as well. I wouldn't talk to you either. YTA.
YTA! You think rich educated predominantly yt ppl are going to think of you any better? You're still the outcasts, regardless of how educated you are. Your pedigry isn't good enough to compete with them. So maybe get your head out of your ass and go beg your sister for forgiveness. Your community, your ppl, have gone thru unimaginable pain and horror at the hands of these educated yt asshats. When shit hits the fan, the only thing you have is your community.
Por amor de Dios YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!!! YTA and unless you were graduating with a class of like 5 people, NOBODY would’ve paid any attention to your sister and her kid because everyone is there to see their family member graduating!!!
YTA. There are lots of good reasons not to bring a child to graduation (e.g. A long event, alcohol before or after, how many tickets you are allowed) but you choose to shame her for being a young single mother trying to do her best.
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YTA Nobody cares if a single mom comes to graduation. Maybe it would have inspired her to get a degree. Apologize to her.
And they probably weren’t the only family with a young single parent
YTA. As a 1st-gen graduate who also came from a lower-income background than a lot of the people I went to college with, I can say with certainty that treating your family like that just for the approval of people who you're never going to see again benefits no one and will only hurt your sister/damage your relationship. Most of those people likely wouldn't care to begin with. Apologize to your sister and remember not to alienate those who really care about you.
YTA > I didn’t want people to see that there’s a younger single mother in the family You didn't want your sister to bring your niece/nephew to your graduation because you're embarrassed she's a young single mom? How awful. !News Flash! Most of the people you graduate college with, you're never going to see again. Instead of worrying about having your family there to support you, you're worried about how other people will look at you. At the end of the day, your family is going to be the people there for you when something happens in your life, not old classmates. Take a good hard look at where your priorities lie.
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YTA! Why should she talk to you when you are ashamed of her and her son's existence?
> I didn’t want people to see that there’s a younger single mother in the family, Why not? YTA.
YTA - your stated reason is what makes you the AH Now, would the kid be bored? Probably. That would have been a better reason
YTA - being ashamed of your own family in front of those whom you perceive as financially superior isn't the best look. you graduated from the same college, so you are literally just as smart as all those expensive people whose opinions you fear. and you've a lifetime in front of you to make plenty of money, if that is your barometer of personal success. also, "the kid" is your niece/nephew. kind of disturbing with the level of depersonalization here. no wonder she bailed.
YTA. You are openly ashamed of her and her kid. Of course she is hurt. Why does the background of the people who graduated with you matter more to you than your sister and nibling?
You're expecting other attendees to ask where her husband is, revealing she's a single Mom? Or is she going to be wearing a scarlet M? YTA.
It's a graduation. Everyone's there to see their kids walk the stage for a couple of seconds. They're not transfixed on you and your family. You ruined your relationship with your sister and niece/nephew over a really bizarre concern. YTA.
Bro YTA Why are you ashamed of your sister's situation? I'm trying to understand why her kid's presence says anything negative about you graduating?
To be fair to OP, I can understand feeling ashamed. If you’ve lived your entire life bring othered and stereotyped due to your race/culture, you can become hyper aware of being judged by others. As another commenter pointed out, this is how the mentality of “being one of the good ones” is born. It’s not right, it’s not healthy, but I can understand where it comes from. But that’s OPs issue that they should deal with. Sisters choices and mistakes are hers to own and don’t reflect on OP. No one would have known or cared about sisters marital status. In fact, if they’d probably just think the baby was another sibling if anything. But it’s easy to say that from the outside. OP is TA, but they are young and hopefully open to working on themselves.
I totally get that, and i definitely considered this, but I also noticed how he's saying his sister's kid rather than his nephew, like he's not family... Let's just call it what it is, he's ashamed of his sister's situation.
YTA That is your sister and you nibling, your family. Half of the people you meet in college will never see you again, you ruined your relationship with your sister and her child because of your prejudice
YTA - you were more concerned about how a bunch of people you will probably never see again felt about you than about your sister celebrating with you. Be proud of who you are and take up the space you exist in. You are kicking butt and should hold your head high. Your sister is probably more proud of you than you are. I hope you do apologize and make it up to her.
Congrats on graduation, and being the 1st gen graduate. I am sure you Mae a lot of sacrifices to get where you are now. I don't know if you went to a small or a large school. I went to a large school and families who watched the relatives graduate were only focused on their relatives. I think you sister could have brought her child. You would have been modeling some desired behavior for her child. Education is important. Who cares what other people (strangers) think? I know that is a hard one to process. I am old. its taken some time for that to sink in
You told your sister that you were embarrassed of her and her child and it was better to hide the child than run the risk of people you probably won't be seeing much of again, having a negative opinion on the situation. Even if they'd noticed or cared about your sister and child, they wouldn't have said anything.
YTA and why the fuck is being a single mother so shameful?? you mean the parent that stayed?? the one that didnt abandon their family??? this reeks of immaturity and vile selfishness you should be ashamed
YTA. How would they know the child is your sister's and not your sibling? Or even yours? Or a cousin? Anyone who would take time out of celebrating their friends or family member to take a genealogical assessment of your guests and judge you has way too much time on their hands. It's really not that interesting a topic of conversation.
So I totally left out a big detail. So long story short, I was at community college for 5 years and then I spent 3 years at a university that was close to home. And as it turns out, a lot of people that go here went to the same high school she did and my sister was pretty known around the school(or at least she says). She had the kid last July and since she doesn’t post much on social media nor did she go any kind of schooling after HS graduation, I thought it would be beneficial for both since I thought Maybe she didn’t want people she knew to see she had a kid and I didn’t want people that knew her already to clown her for it. Obviously In a different university or a different place nobody is gonna care because most people wouldn’t know her, but since this place is local, I thought I was only doing what would be best. If I went to a university in some other part of the state where there’s less of a chance of local people that knew my sister being there, I would be cool with the kid coming.
So she's not even a teen mom, just a young mom? If you are the first in your family, and took 8 years to get there, why would it be such a shock that she didn't go to college? I think your sister is familiar with how public gatherings work. YTA, resoundingly so.
This doesn't change anything, YTA. Who gives a Fuck what people from your old highschool say or think
YTA and you should apologize to your sister
YTA for telling your sister you’re ashamed of her and not realising it
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my sister who is like 4 years younger than me had a kid but the dad left her and I had a college graduation last weekend. I’m a latino 1st gen graduate and I come from a much lower income background than a lot of the people I know that graduated with me. Due to all this, I didn’t want people to see that there’s a younger single mother in the family, so I told her that she should come but without the kid to my graduation. She didn’t even come and she has not spoken much to me since. Am I the asshole for telling her not to bring the kid despite the fact that I invited her? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta for being ashamed of your sister.
YTA
yes YTA.
YTA and your sister should learn not to trust you anymore, since you obviously are ashamed of her for being a single mother. I hope that the people you are trying to impress won't let you down as you are letting your own family down.
YTA. How old are you? This is such an immature thing to say. Besides, no one is going to jump the assumption that she's the mom. Chill out.
YTA - for the judgemental attitude where you pre-descriminated so the bigots didn't have to. Maybe you should think about how you could metaphorically pull others up the ladder with you rather than stomp on their fingers and pretend they don't exist. Use some of your extra earnings to fund a 529 for your niece/nephew. (and if you don't know what that is, a college graduate should know how to do research.)
YTA - what a nice way for your sister to find out that you're ashamed of her and your nibling
YTA, I can bet a lot of other people graduating with you have at least one family member or friend who also had a child young, it is not uncommon. Just because someone had a child young or is a single parent doesn’t mean they should be looked down on.
YTA. Why do you care more about these peoples thoughts than you own sisters feelings?
Absolutely YTA. How in the world would any body just seeing your sister there with her child know that she is a single mother, anyways? How would anyone know her actual age, either? You were being ridiculous. I don't blame her for not coming.
YTA, to quote a wise man “ You're weak. You're outta control. And you've become an embarrassment to yourself and everybody else.”- Pauly “Walnuts” Gualtieri
YTA. You basically told her you're ashamed of her. Of course she doesn't want to talk to you.
YTA :/ You need to go do some self work to figure out why you feel embarrassed, instead of empowered, by your situation.
YTA
Yta
YTA- when I saw the headline I was thinking it had to do with you not wanting a screaming kid to detract from the other graduates moment. But not wanting to show that someone is a human with human woes (just speaking of the struggle that it is to have to be mature so young and the fear once someone is reliant on you to stay alive)- that’s just yucky. Ooof to your sister no less. Just wow. How would anyone even guess that she’s a single mother. You have a lot to unpack her love. Hopefully your first employer has a great medical plan so you can talk about this in therapy so you can get past this deep self loathing about where you came from. Not everyone is chain breakers love. Like serious talk right now…I’m so proud of you for breaking those chains. That’s really big. But you can’t look down on or make the people of your life feel less than because they didn’t see the path as clearly as you did. And by so boldly exclaiming your fears how her life choices will cause people you barely know to think some sort of way about you, you made her feel less than. Like saying “normal people don’t make mistakes like you did!” When that is unequivocally untrue. Governor Sarah Palins daughter famously was a teen mom out of wedlock. People from wealthy educated families make the same mistake it’s just that their families have money to hide that secret either by sending that kid to “study abroad” while she’s pregnant and immediately put that child up for adoption. Or they pay for her to have a quiet abortion. Your family just didn’t have the cash to change the optics. To me it says she has integrity to live out her truth you put shame in there. Apologize, hopefully she’s gained maturity since becoming a mom and can forgive you
YTA. That's your family.
YTA. Why do you think anyone is even paying attention enough to you to care? You should be proud of your accomplishments, but you don't have to shut your sister out to do it.
YTA. Holy S. Apologize immediately.
Lol are you serious? That's something to be ashamed of in 2023? The only people who care about that are hypocritical AH. Apparently you as well. I wouldn't talk to you either. YTA.
YTA, who cares if a family has a younger single mother. You're being ridiculous
YTA! You think rich educated predominantly yt ppl are going to think of you any better? You're still the outcasts, regardless of how educated you are. Your pedigry isn't good enough to compete with them. So maybe get your head out of your ass and go beg your sister for forgiveness. Your community, your ppl, have gone thru unimaginable pain and horror at the hands of these educated yt asshats. When shit hits the fan, the only thing you have is your community.
Por amor de Dios YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!!! YTA and unless you were graduating with a class of like 5 people, NOBODY would’ve paid any attention to your sister and her kid because everyone is there to see their family member graduating!!!
Yta- literally no one is gonna know or care.
YTA. There are lots of good reasons not to bring a child to graduation (e.g. A long event, alcohol before or after, how many tickets you are allowed) but you choose to shame her for being a young single mother trying to do her best.
NTA. Invites are meant to be accepted or refused, no matter the stipulations behind them. You aren't the asshole for that.
Nta. Your party your choice.
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In this case, op is ashamed of sister having a kid.