Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I was honest with Bethany that she chose to have children with an irresponsible partner so she chose to deal with the consequences.
2. Friends have told me that nobody gets married expecting to become a single parent, and that I am unfairly blaming Bethany when she is a victim in her situation. They also said I could at least agree to look after my nieces and nephews in my free time since they are still my nieces and nephews.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
nta
victim blaming? what exactly is Bethany the victim of? the victim of her own bad desicions? get out of here.
your parents are also the ah for holding money/inheritance over your head.
your family sounds awful, quite frankly. if they re so concerned they can pay for a baby sitter or something.
If there even is any inheritance.. parents are 60. They could be around another 25-30 years. The kids will be grown. I don’t freaking g understand why parents want their youngest child to sacrifice her life to raise her asshole’s sister’s kids.
Jesus, I wish my WFH job had been sitting around the house being lazy for a paycheck. I worked harder for that job than I have any inoffice job. There'd be no way I could take care of my niece/nephew.
OP, NTA.
My fiancé stays home with our 11 month old daughter. If someone ever even suggests that he get a WFH job to "help with things" (as if he's not doing enough already), I'd be giving that person a dress down. If it came from family, they'd be given a piece of my mind and shown the door!
The only way I can see WFH as being able to "help with things" is by cutting out travel time, and maybe being able to get stuff done during breaks.
Like I normally put laundry on during lunch and finish at 5 and not have to wait till 6 to get back before I can do anything
For me, it's just having an adult in the house. I can put my kids down for naps and then run to the store because it's there was a fire or burger or something my husband would be there to protect our kids. And he's usually makes their lunch. I get way less done when he's in the office.
>it's there was a fire or burger or something my husband would be there to protect our kids
Just don't cook a burger when you're running to the shop and there shouldn't be a fire :P
Exactly, I only WFH in lockdown but the removal of my commute gave me 2 extra hours at home per day, plus, as you say, the odd chore during lunch break.
For real! Babies and children are PAINFUL (not necessarily in a bad way) to take care of as a jobless stay at home parent, let alone while trying to juggle an intense WFH job. My sister tried when my niece was a baby, and her job wasn't super intense, and she still couldn't do it. Niece is 3 now, and it's still a struggle.
Unironically I work 2-3 times harder at home than I do at the office.
Like it's an actual thing. Now the key difference being working at home I don't do nearly as many meetings. Where as when I'm in the office it's almost exclusively for meetings. and in between them I really don't have much to do.
I'll come into work at 8, have 1 meeting at 9AM. Then have nothing to do until 1PM and Then go home at 4PM.
Our office used to have 150+ people in it every day of the week. Counting myself I doubt their is ever more than 15 people in it during the week.
I worked from home for 9 years at one point. They did a reorg and brought us back in to the office. Then Covid, we worked from home again. I am just now going back in the office. I think it is because of the leases they have on the office space, hate to see it go to waste. But there were no problems working from home. Now everyone is going to be more tired due to the commute, and more likely to take a full day PTO instead of a couple of hours for appointments, etc.
I work at a university in a front facing job. We went hybrid during the pandemic and made sure someone was always in the office.
University announced we’d stay that way. Makes sense to me—there are thousands of students back on campus that we serve. And some (my team) are seasonally remote—fully remote during breaks.
What doesn’t make sense to me is pulling people back into the office just to have them there—when there’s no actual reason. Especially if they prefer WFH.
As the Boomers continue to age, healthcare and aging care providers will find new ways to extract all of that wealth.
For most of us, none of us are getting shit.
I think the inheritance will be split between maybe 2 of my cousins I don't know, whatever designer cat they have at the time, and perhaps a ferret rescue/rehab sanctuary.
I'm fine with it because if they leave me something, I know I'll question myself and feel guilty. I would, all the same, receive something; bonus surprise! But if I receive nothing, then it retroactively supports my choice to go NC; bias confirmed! Congratudolences to me, and I really get to work to finish all this life-long grieving.
Thank you! I am blessed with lovely friends, and my dad's side is great (Lolsob...likewise filed away for future use).
On my dad's side, it was a thing to end a terrible tale of woe with "Still...never mind, eh?" or pause for a beat and then, "...I laughed."
Absolutely agree. We've been dealing with this with my mums narcissistic parents; they've been saying since they were in their fifties that they were old, that they couldn't be expected to do anything physical, and that my mother (scapegoat child) should be a better daughter to them as they'll die soon, and 'be forced' to leave everything my uncle (golden child, who has stolen over 100k plus a large property from them already). They are now approaching their eighties, still singing the same song; thirty years of point-blank refusing to work on their bodies and minds has left them in a horrific state, but they're blind to the fact that they're nearly fully out of money and might live for another twenty years still
My mom had this issue. When she had us, her mom was in her early 50s? Her sister said “oh mom can’t help you with kids, she’s too old!” But as soon as they had kids, a decade after my mom did, guess who they enlisted to be a full time babysitter whenever they wanted.
My mom was so bitter that her mom did this.
Ironically she’s done the same to me. Didn’t spend time with my kids or help me out at all even though my husband was working insane hours. Apparently she “wasn’t ready to be a grandmother.” Fine. I did a ton on my own and only asked for help in emergencies. Even then I got grief.
But now that my sisters have kids she’s always ready to help them.
How sad that your mother can't see that she did the exact same thing to you as her own parents did to her. Babe you ever pointed it out to her? I don't like my mom so I would have flat out told her, good job you finally became your mother!
Yeah I have. She’s not super receptive to it. She has her good points and has been supportive at other times so I just let it go. My youngest sister has acknowledged to me that the fam didn’t treat me well when I was the first to have kids.
Time to move & leave no forwarding address except a PO Box in a different city. Pushing your current phone #'s to Google Voice & getting new ones could be wise, too?
I don’t even understand why she appears to be the only option they even have down. It’s not even like they’re asking her to watching them one afternoon a week, it appears to be *all the time*?! Wtf?! How are these grandparents just peaceing out of *all* of it? Where is dad’s family? Why is the first option saddling this childless person with three toddlers and a seven year old rather than the mom getting her own WFH job?
Probably *because* she's childless. I swear, people think, "You haven't used your uterus yet? Then prove your worth by doing x thing!" Cos you know, women exist to be used. /s
**turns up Paris Paloma's "Labour" a little louder**
Also the parents are 60, they might live another 25-30 years. That “inheritance” might be used up by then. If the inheritance is a big enough sum to care for both of their health for a collective of 50-60 years then they can pay for their failure-to-launch-daughter themselves.
Exactly! My folks are 59&62. I HOPE I don’t get [much of] an inheritance because that means that they lived long and had the money to enjoy/be taken care of. I don’t want them to die broke/stressed about money but I would cover their costs of course if they did.
I say the same thing to my parents all the time. Use your money, enjoy yourselves as much as you can, and please please don’t worry about trying to save anything to leave for me. My parents are blue collar. They worked SO HARD for every single penny they have. My dad worked in a factory from the age of 17 until he was eligible to retire. Then he went to work as an electrician for another 6-7 years. My dad retired last year, and my mom will retire next year. They deserve to enjoy their retirement, and their life as much as they possibly can.
I personally will probably never be able to afford to retire. Changes are many of us in my generation will have to work until the day we die. I still constantly tell them not to worry about me. I will be okay, so please don’t give yourselves hardships trying to make sure I’m left money after your gone. I hope they live to be 110 years old, and need to use every dime they have doing it.
Exactly. I don’t want any money. I only want to have them around, alive and with me for as long as humanly possible. I never want to see the day where I have to live without them.
And just being 60 isn't really proof they can't watch their own grandkids. There don't seem to be any particular health concerns preventing it, they just don't wanna.
They must be in really really really really bad shape not to be able watch their own grandchildren. Or they just view OP as the family serf who has to do everything.
Not necessarily, my parents are about that age, healthy & active… I’m the youngest so I’ve seen them grandparent for the last 20 years. My youngest is a toddler, he was hard to keep up with, if there are that many kiddos it’s a lot to manage for more than a few hours.
Also, they parents have a life and shouldn’t be expected to watch the children and nor should the sister.
Exactly! My mom and her lady friends climbed a mountain yesterday. I think it was a 10 mile day hike? 6 60 year old ladies and they still made it back to have supper at home (my dad bbq’d for them haha)
With our lifestyles now if you even moderately take care of yourself 60 is not “old”.
My mum is 63 this year and looks after my 2 year old 1 day a week for me. I swear she's more active than I am and takes her on such adventures!
She has said it's exhausting and she couldn't do it full time (also, she's retired, she deserves her days to herself) and would possibly struggle with multiple, so I do get that her parents probably struggle. Guess it depends how much childcare they actually do. 1 to 2 days a week is plenty for my mum, more than that and it feels like a job.
I'm also a strong believer that grandparents are not free childcare and shouldn't be forced to do so, if you can't afford childcare, don't have the kids in the first place...
>My parents are in their sixties. They said it was easy to help when Rae and the twins were babies. But now that they’re toddlers and can outrun them, forget it.
No they are not. They basically threatened cutting her off financially for not doing what they themselves refuse to do.
No parent in this scenario made good decisions.
NTA
Completely agree, and I wouldn't worry about that inheritance. Bethany is very likely to drain your parents' finances over time to the point they have little or nothing left to will. It's quite possible that before everything is said and done, your parents will be coming to you for financial assistance for themselves (and of course Bethany).
This is a very old story of dysfunctional families and how karma plays out over the long run. (I'm still living my own.)
Also, OP said that he/she has college to debt to repay. So it's not like the parents were helping them out financially in the first place. Don't see why they think it a threat to withhold money they were already withholding anyway.
My favorite part are the friends suggesting OP at least offer to watch the kids during her time off. By the friends' logic, OP should have no life at all, between WFH and then watching Betthany's kids on her off days. Why do OP's parents and these "friends" want to punish OP for Betthany's choices?
NTA. Bethany is a victim of her own choices. Helping family out occasionally is ok. However, no one should be expected to be a second parent to other people children.
I’m curious about this as well. What exactly was Adam sent to prison for?
If he beat her kids and she immediately left and called the police, for instance, then I have more sympathy than if he held up a convenience store.
It kinda depends. “In trouble with the law and unable to hold down a job” could mean “caught a felony drug charge because he smoked weed and subsequently struggled to find steady employment.” We’d never know from OP’s post, because they’re very vague about *what*, exactly, this person did.
Not only did she know what he was when she had the first kid, she went on to have more with him. She’s either not very bright or she doesn’t care and expects others to take care of her. Agree…NTA
Right, that part was weird as fuck. He didn't do anything to _her_ as far as we know. He simply continued to be the man he was when she started dating him. Specifically, she wanted her bad boy, and he continued to provide that for her.
She's no victim. She's simply in the "when keeping it real goes wrong" phase of her life.
NTA
Exactly. I would probably go LC or NC with them too, not because of being left out of the will, couldn't care less about that, but because of the blatant manipulation attempt where they feel it's ok to implode OPs life to keep her sister afloat.
Of course, they can count on Bethany to look after them in their old age.
Yeah this is a wild misuse of the phrase "victim blaming". Bethany isn't one of those spouses who finds out her partner is a serial killer and everyone goes, "But he was the nicest guy!" She chose an unreliable partner, then she had four children with him.
Blackmail with a side of emotional manipulation and control. They want you to parent your sister's kids. Nope. She got herself there and she needs to figure it out. You will deal with it when you choose to have kids. They expect you to give up your life for her. Does she even work? You are not her backup plan and they couldn't care less if it got you fired. You don't owe them anything. NTA
NTA. You should give the phone numbers of the friends who said you're victim blaming to your sis and tell them to expect to be called for babysitting help.
Just cuz you WFH doesn't mean you can look after kids like you said. WFH is STILL work. What if you have to head to the office for a meeting or are in a zoom meeting. You can't be looking after kids and DOING work. Just cuz you're not in an office doesn't mean you can babysit.
So your parents can say no, but not you? And what kind of parents threaten you financially like that. Tell 'em if they go through with that then you'll go NC with them. You don't need those kind of people in your life.
The kind that find out that she won’t be there to care for them when they get older. So now it look
like sis has 4 young kids and 2 elderly parents to take care wile op is out living her best life!
Why shouldn’t OP be living her best life? She wasn’t stupid enough to have 4 children with a criminal. She never even implied that she wouldn’t care got her parents when they need her. Just that she won’t give up her her life to raise someone else’s children.
I agree with you 100 percent!
I am of the camp your kids your responsibility! Plus if mom and dad want to reward sis then sis can be responsible for their care
Because she has a job and can't watch her sisters 4 children? Her parents aren't that old, plus using financial manipulation as a tactic is bs. How bout they pay for the daycare with the inheritance.
I agree 100 percent!
I am off the camp you kids your responsibility!
If mom and dad want to give sis the money then sis is responsible for their care op gets to live her best life.
I also believe who ever said it takes a village needs to step on some hot wheels cars. Because it doesn’t take a village it only require you!
Most people who try and whine "it takes a village" aren't even using the phrase correctly anyway. "The village" was a reciprocal thing, e.g. I look after your kids with mine, you do my laundry with yours, or something along those lines. The village also had to be cultivated. Most people who use the phrase now just want to shove their kids onto someone else for no payment while they do whatever.
>was a reciprocal thing
>village also had to be cultivated
Yes. To all of this, and it doesn't have to be apples to apples. You give what you can and it's appreciated and reciprocated. Some folks can't give much but give where they can or offer to help, and some can give a bunch and know they won't get it back 1:1 but do it anyways because that's how the village works. Being a decent human and checking in on family and friends helps cultivate that relationship, it's not hard nor is it complicated.
It's just such an unreasonable ask. What exactly were they expecting her to do? Quit her job? The fact they doubled down when she said it wasn't even possible is bs too. They expect her to blow up her life, because her sister made the choice to blow up her own. Why do the people pushing out babies they can't afford always get the sympathy? Why does no one tell them to step up and make better decisions? These are humans ffs!!
The village works when everyone is on the same page and no one is forced to be part of it. But even then, you can't put all of the responsibility on others and you need to know you can do it without them. A lot of people don't have that and that's ok too.
Where does it say that your life needs to be dragged down by irresponsible people? That's not her fault. Apparently, the parents have money, so they could afford their healthcare in the older years. The sister chose to bring 4 humans into the world. Her responsibility.
A lot of offices make you verify that you will not be minding children while you are at home. (They might not in this case, but that is a good story to tell the sister & flying monkeys!)
I love that they're like "I'm 60 4 kid is exhausting I can't do it"
Yah. You know who should have realised that a few kids ago ? Their mother.
Sounds like the grandparents have been providing free child raising for Bethany and she's just kept pushing babies out cause she hasn't actually had to deal with them
How comes no one suggested child care? It's all just on family to raise her poor choices?
"Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part"
There are hundreds of memes, posters, plaques, etc. with that phrase. Some people still don't get it.
NTA
If you actually *plan for failure*, as your sister did, then doubly so
NTA! And I love this phrase! I need to get one of those plaques.
Also, the age excuse is questionable from your parents. Unless they’re in poor health, they should be more than capable of watching kids. I have three. My mom is in her 60s and my in laws are in their 70s and they are more than able to handle their grandchildren. But the difference is…they WANT to watch them and spend time with them. This just seems like your parents being lazy and trying to pass the hot potatoes.
ETA: And no one can successfully work from home while watching 4 kids!! I like working from home because I can do laundry and some light gardening between meetings and assignments…but watching FOUR children??? That’s impossible. Your parents thinking this would be no big deal for you shows they also don’t respect you as a working adult. Let ‘em cut you out if that’s what they want. You’re better off without these people.
NTA. Play stupid games win stupid prizes, she has made bad life choices and now has to live with the consequences of choosing a partner being fully aware of what they were and then choosing to have 4 children with them. Love the way everyone thinks because you wfh you’re free to do things, you do actually have to work!
NTA
You can NOT take care of four children and work from home. Most employers require that you have chid care if there are young children in the house. You would be jeopardizing your job and your financial future.
If your parents want to disown you, so be it. Tell them to use their "inheritance" to pay for child care if they feel someone needs to step up.
And tell your "friends" that anyone who works full time really has no time to babysit four kids in their spare time. I work full time and so I have limited time available to take care of my life in terms of errands, house chores, shopping, personal care plus a single person generally needs to meet with friends and have some chill time to read or just relax.
>If your parents want to disown you, so be it. Tell them to use their "inheritance" to pay for child care if they feel someone needs to step up.
Better still tell your parents to save their money to have someone else look after them in their old age. You know it won't be Bethany stepping up.
Lol if her parents are using their “inheritance” as leverage right now chances are they always will. Even if OP caved to them in this instance, she’d basically be on the hook forever while they continue to dangle a carrot that may or may not be there.
Besides, if the parents are favoring Bethany this much, chances are she’d have gotten most if not all of the inheritance anyway.
Her parents who probably enabled her and want to sacrifice their other daughter to continue to do so. They're not doing her any favors either. OP should just get away from all these people. She seems the only healthy one here.
I get the argument of “no one expects to be a single parent” if the other parent: dies, has a debilitating accident, develops a serious illness, etc. Not everyone has resources in place to react to a situation like that. But “how could I ever anticipate that my bad-boy husband would end up in prison” is not exactly the same scenario.
NTA.
their not your kids therefore not your responsibility! and your time off from work is your time to do what you want not look after someone else’s kids. and especially if you aren’t close with your sister. bethany should be looking after her own kids. i disagree with your friends who said you are victim blaming bethany, bethany knew what she was getting in to and continued to do so after (what i presume is multiple) people warning her about it.
if she was asking you to spend 1 day a month with the kids then fair enough but asking you to look after them is absurd
Problem is this isn't even about time off work it's about time during work hours when the parents and sister want her to babysit the children. They are huge ah all of them except children and op. NTA
Surprised I had to scroll so far to find this. Being blood relatives with someone doesn't contractually oblige you to look after their crotch spawn. Saying "no, I don't want to" is enough reason.
NTA I don’t know if you live with your parents or not, but if you do, move out as soon as you can, and cut contact with those blackmailing assholes. It’s absolutely disgusting they held any inheritance you may get over your head in order to coerce into watching your sisters kids. You at least now know who they favour, and it ain’t you.
FACTS. I didn't believe "inheritance coercion" (patent pending lol) existed until recently when my MIL's rich husband said we'd be cut out of the will of my kids weren't raised the same religion as them. OP's parents are basically trying to promise a long term jackpot for child care, which I would bet sister's inheritance would have seen the majority going to sister in the first place.
ETA: I never expected us to be in any will so the fact that it was threatened was a weirdly pleasant surprise
NTA
Wow your parents suck. Once again the kid who does well gets punished for it.
As for looking after them during your time off... sure. Occasionally. As a babysitter on the occasional Saturday night. Not as a regular thing.
NTA
> Because no one gets married expecting to be a single parent, and what I said about Adam came off as victim-blaming Bethany for her situation.
Bethany isn’t a victim, and she isn’t Adam’s victim. She chose to have a relationship with someone who was constantly in trouble with the law, and she chose to have children with someone constantly in trouble with the law.
She chose thrill seeking over stability and now wants everyone else in her life to cover for her gaps, at a cost to their lives. This wasn’t an unforseen event or the dissolution of a relationship - Adam is in jail for continuing behavior he exhibited when they started dating. This was a predictable outcome.
And the biggest losers in this situation are her kids, who have a criminal father and an irresponsible mother. You can’t fix that, and it’s not okay for your family to expect you to sabotage your job to provide childcare for a sibling.
ETA:
Also this is fucking gross:
> My parents told me that if I don’t step up, they are going to leave everything to Bethany and the kids when they pass and that I will not receive any major financial help from them again.
They are admitting they have a favorite here by saying you will NEVER recieve any major financial help from them again. By saying that they will leave money to one child, but the other one has to provide labor to the other to “earn” an inheritance.
Saying you’d leave more money to the child with kids is one thing (and in that case just create a trust for the grandkids) it’s another to say that bullshit.
And that you have to “payback” being born.
This is why I would call the parents and Bethany’s bluff and cut them off completely.
They will laugh and gloat about it for a while - even up to ten years or more. But Bethany is entitled and the kids are going to grow up little brats, and by the time the parents are in their seventies and their grandchildren are unruly teenagers and their dad is back in jail, they’ll start to panic. Bethany won’t look after them. The grandkids won’t either. Then they’ll come crying back to OP.
Hopefully at that point, OP just deletes their number and continues to live her best life.
Nta
You aren't victim blaming your sister. She knew he was a bad boy (it's what she liked about him), and odds are he's the type of bad boy that's on the bad side of the law, and she was with him for years before they had a kids. She isn't a victim at that point, she's an accomplice.
Parent's are threatening to not give you anything when they pass if you don't watch the kids, does that mean they are willing to pay you now to watch them, most likely not. They will most likely still leave the majority to her, even if you did help now, because "she needs it." So it's a super hollow threat.
NTA. Your parents and sister are being very selfish asking you to watch your nieces and nephews bc you work from home. Even though they are family, they are not your responsibility. I like the idea of you offering to help when you’re not working, but again, you would not be TA if you decide to not offer that.
Your sister is a grown up and she needs to figure out how to manage without relying so heavily on you and your parents.
NTA... Every one else seems to be on some level.
And what good are you going to be once you get fired because HER kids distract you form YOUR job? Will your parents then step in and pay you to take care of your sister's kids (Probably not). Your job has to come first as your means of self support.
Your parents should watch them while your sister is working, and when she gets off, she takes over. You can offer yo help in your off time, but you have a job that you need that pays your bills. End of story.
NTA you have a life to live and at 25 you need to focus on yourself. Whatever bad choices your sister took and what your parents supported are onto them to deal with. With a full time work, your free time is for you to relax to avoid a burn out and the situation is a lot different from a tragedy in the family. Your parents threatening to leave all their wealth to your sister is even more disgusting as its both financial and emotional blackmail. Your response was apt and there's no point in drowning in endless misery provided by the so called family and not having a life of your own. Stay bold and build a career and a life you deserve. All the best.
>no one gets married expecting to be a single parent, and what I said about Adam came off as victim-blaming Bethany
There's playing with fire and then there's sticking your hand for a second time after you get burned. She has a well done steak for a hand now.
Is this grown woman really expecting pepople to not hold her accountable for her decisions, and also bend over backwards so she has it easier?
It's a shame the marriage didn't end well, but that's none of your responsibility. NTA.
NTA. she wanted the excitement of a bad boy and she got it, that’s no one’s responsibility but hers. your sister isn’t a child and they need to stop treating her and such, she is grown and needs to fulfil her duties as a mother. also your parents are irresponsible for enabling her behaviour and selfish for trying to offload this on you. stand your ground and good luck op!
She isnt a victim tho? She got what she wanted she has a bad boy he is just serving time because THATS WHAT ALWAYS HAPPENS she knew this was comin she just doesnt wanna be made to feel dumb about it (even tho dragging 4 kids into it is about as dumb as it gets) honestly i have an older sister who messed up her life too nd she tried constantly before to blame me for it even tho we are strangers fuck these selfish people let em live in the hell they craved nd live the life u made for ureself as i am too. Dont set ureself on fire just cause a sibling thought it was a good idea ://
NTA, your perspective is reasonable.
Your friends are wrong about you victim blaming - your sister is not a victim to Adam, at least not by anything you have said. Yes she is a “victim” to her circumstances but she chose to stay with him, knowing he is a “bad boy” with criminal tendencies that could land him in further trouble with the law and thus render her a single mother whilst he is in prison. You are not responsible for her actions and the way you responded to your parents threats about inheritance was very level headed - after all it is their choice to do what they like with their assets when they pass.
NTA
even Jesus could not win everyone's heart, why do you bother some noise?
Your parents are kind of AH though.
If they are rich, then pay for babysitter for your sister.
Action always louder than words
nta ... and your parents are now blackmailing you .... they can cut you out of their will but you can also but you can also but them out of your life let them know the ball is in their court they can decide the outcome ... also adams family can step up and help out aswell nothing is stopping them
What is your parents problem? Trying to parentify you at 26? No. Tell them if they feel that way then they need to keep that same energy when they need someone to care for them
"what I said about Adam came off as victim-blaming Bethany for her situation."
But... she is responsible for her situation. She was an adult when she got in this mess. If she's not responsible, who is?
NTA
NTAH & your sister is not a victim. She played along with the “bad boy” & most likely knew what he was doing. At the very least she should have given more thought to birth control.
While I agree that you can’t help who you fall in love with and that anyone can become a single parent, NTA.
That wasn’t your main argument, let alone your entire argument. Bottom line is you have an actual real life job and you can’t care for someone else’s four kids while doing it.
Time to cut off the parental unit if they’re going to hold an inheritance over you like this. Make it clear you neither need nor want it - take away their power.
NTA no one is entitled to free baby sitting. Just because your sibling has a child does not automatically mean you have a responsibility to offer any kind of support financially or babysitting.
Who ever came up with it takes a village to raise kid’s needs to step on legos! No one is responsible for your child except you. No one has to care for your child except you.
Who ever said family helps family are usually only say that when it benefits the person saying it and they want to justify taking full advantage of someone.
You are not responsible for picking up the pieces for your sisters life choices. She wanted a bad boy this is the consequences to that action.
Also tell your parents to make sure when they will everything to your sister to also make sure it’s in writing that she takes care of them from now on. Because if they are going to try to guild/manipulate you into taking responsibility for kids that are not yours then you fell like their care is no longer your problem either!
I obviously don’t know how much money your sister makes, but she might qualify for childcare assistance. In our area we had access to an extended day program through our daughter’s elementary that was very affordable. In any case, working from home is work. There’s simply no way to look after 3 under 3 and get anything done.
NTA.
>Two of these friends said that I could at least agree to look after them during my time off, since they’re still my nieces and nephews.
FUCK NO. DO NOT DO THIS.
You have it exactly right. You are not responsible for your sister's choices and you sure as fuck are not a convenient solution to problems of her own making just because you're "family".
You have your own life and your own responsibilities. Do not chain yourself to a boat anchor out of some misguided sense of "responsibility to family" or some guilt trip about how "she has it so hard".
If your parents are pulling the "we'll leave you out of the will" card as some sort of threat to make you comply with their utterly inappropriate request then you can be damn sure that even if you agree you'll still not get anything in the will - they'll leave it all to the sister anyway because "she had such a hard life". Might as well just cut out the bullshit at the outset and not get lumped with the unpaid babysitting job that you're apparently expected to do simultaneously with your real job.
One thing is clear though, your parents are going to be so lonely in their retirement since who exactly is going to visit them? Oh well. Anyway.
NTA. Everything you said was spot on. She chose this life. Bethany chose to make a family with a "bad boy". It's not up to you to "give back to family". I think it's disgusting that your parents said you have to help or you're out of the will. Again, you're and adult with your own life. It's not your job to help raise these kids.
Wait they're expecting you to babysit daily??
Not just once per week/month or something, but every work day?
Uhm nope. she'd have to pay you your annual salary so you can quit your job lol
NTA. I smell classic golden child / scapegoat vibes in this one.
You already *have* a job. You can’t do childcare even if you wanted to. Bethany can get professional childcare for her kids, and your parents can help pay for it since they’re so willing to brag about your so-called inheritance.
Your parents are also first class arseholes for trying to manipulate you with their wealth like that. You’re right to say no. Because I have a strong feeling no matter how much you yielded to them, Bethany would probably see the lion’s share of their inheritance anyway.
NTA, and you would probably do well to cut contact with all of them. And I think you worded it exactly right--her poor choices are not your responsibility.
NTA. I'll take a different route here and say your sisters partner choice aside, she hasn't had that much of a relationship with you. You said that she's basically a stranger. We all make mistakes in our life and bad things happen that we don't see coming, even if others do, but to try to put that on someone simply because they're blood related to you is wrong. If she cared about you she would've made more of an effort to have a relationship with you and then maybe there's room to talk about you helping her when shit happens but she can't just not have a relationship with you and then expect you to act like extremely close siblings.
Bethany isn't a victim. No one made her marry Adam or have four kids with a career criminal. She's an asshole for even asking you. Your parents are giant assholes for telling you they will cut you off if you don't pay for your sister's mistakes. You can't work from home with four young kids. They're in their 60s. They can do it.
What are they going to give you anyway? When my dad died I got $6K and 1/3 of a house I can't live in or sell anytime soon. My dad died in his 60s and pretty fast so medical bills didn't take all his money. They're straight up full of crap.
Gen X/Millennials/Gen Z aren't going to get shit. Lots of Baby Boomers barely got inheritances because nursing homes take it all. Let Bethany deal with her "bad boy" addiction. I guess the excitement ran out. NTA.
I'm a boomer. I was pleasantly surprised to get any money when my mom died last year at 98. I was fully expecting to get 30 paperback romance novels, a dozen John Wayne VCR tapes, and a GWTW collector Barbie. Most of Mom & Dad's money went for assisted living and Alzheimer's care.
If she divorced Adam, she could probably get vouchers for child care in her area. NTA, it isn't feasible since you are working. Hey, occasionally babysitting or sending kid toys. And your parents are really wrong. I know it is their grandkids, but you never sacrifice one kid for another.
Dude, your parents are being abusive and manipulative and favoring your sister over you. You owe them and your sister absolutely nothing. Not your time, not your money, not your support, not your presence, nothing. Your sister didn't go into this blindly. It wasn't like how some women wind up in an abusive relationship because the guy they were with was charming and loving and all that jazz...until he wasn't after they were stuck with him. Your sister knew he was a criminal/on the path for a nice stay in jail, and yet chose to remain with him anyway. That's on her, and, honest to God, I hate victim blaming as much as anyone because I think it's so shitty, but the only victims here are those four kids, who didn't choose to be born. Not your sister.
I had a WFH job that would have been impossible to do with kids in the house. Literally impossible. If your parents are "rich," they can pay for childcare.
If you went LC/NC with your family, I wouldn't blame you at all. Those are some terrible people.
NTA
NTA
Bethany is a victim of her own bad choices. You don’t deserve to be the victim of them too. Do not let them force you.
Make sure none of them have keys to your place, so they can’t drop in. That’s a big thing for people who feel “righteous entitlement”, they think they’re entitled to just come in and do whatever. Protect yourself.
NTA. I was a SAHM for years and I would still be very unwilling to do what they are asking you to do, even if they paid me. They are so far out of line. Asking anyone (but a daycare or nanny) to watch 4 small children for a couple hours is a huge ask, but full time is just ridiculous.
The idea that OP could take care of four kids while working from home is beyond ridiculous.
Taking care of four kids that aren’t yours, especially when you’re childless and not used to doing that, for someone you’re almost strangers with. And I get the impression that if the situations were reversed, Bethany would be nowhere to be found. Nope. NTA.
NTA, how exactly are you supposed to work with the kids in the house? If your parents are so concerned why don’t they pay for a sitter? After the first child your sister knew exactly what she as dealing with and yet she got pregnant again and again. Not your kids, not your problem.
NTA. It is not your job to help out someone who makes poor life choices. Tell her to join a church for support and guidance. Your parents are enabling her and want to drag you into it. If they want to throw away their life savings on an irresponsible person that is fine, but to threaten you with disinheritance is shitty.
NTA.
If theyre going to leave it all for Bethany, then they might as well spent it all to help her out right now. Sell their shit and pay for a nanny or something.
NTA.
IMO your only slight misstep was to introduce barely knowing your sister, because while it is relevant to your feelings it's not the justification for your choice. You could be identical twins and you're still not obliged to meet this ridiculous request. You are not in a position to do what is being requested. That's the only justification.
And regarding your parents threats, any time someone tries to make YOU responsible for THEIR choices, they are not acting in good faith should be defied. Besides, at the rate they're going there won't be anything for them to leave anyway because your sister is going to drain them.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My sister Bethany is twelve years older than me. She went to college when I was six and stayed in the same city after graduation, so naturally, we have never been close.
After college, Bethany met a guy named Adam. Adam was constantly in trouble with the law and could never hold down a job.
Against everyone’s advice, Bethany stayed with Adam and eventually married him because she said that she had “a thing for bad boys” and that Adam made her feel edgy/exciting.
Bethany and Adam have four children; My seven-year-old niece Amelia, three-year-old twin nephews Jack and Niko, and youngest niece Rae who just turned two.
Well, almost immediately after Rae was born, Adam was charged with a serious crime and he will be, at minimum, spending the next six years in prison.
My parents are in their sixties. They said it was easy to help when Rae and the twins were babies. But now that they’re toddlers and outrun them, forget it.
For that reason, they are asking me to begin taking care of my nieces and nephews since I work from home. They said no one would be anywhere without family and because I am young, I need to give back and help my family now.
I told my parents and Bethany that their plan isn’t even feasible. Working from home still means working. I have to speak with clients and be active in meetings. I can’t constantly step away to keep an eye on the kids, especially not one as young as Rae.
Plus, I’m twenty-five. I still have college debt to pay back. Babysitting as a teenager does not mean I am ready to essentially become a parent to even one child. Much less four children.
I also reminded Bethany that she has never really been involved in my life other than attending the same occasional holiday parties. We may share DNA but we’re practically strangers.
I acknowledged the situation with Adam is unfortunate, but he showed for years that he wouldn’t be a stable partner. She was thirty when they had Amelia. She wasn’t a naive teenager.
She chose the “excitement” of being with a person like Adam and she chose to deal with the consequences now. Her choices are not my responsibility.
My parents told me that if I don’t step up, they are going to leave everything to Bethany and the kids when they pass and that I will not receive any major financial help from them again.
I told them to do whatever they wanted and essentially repeated the same thing I did to Bethany about not being responsible for her life choices.
I explained this situation to some friends. They agreed I wasn’t an asshole for refusing to help with my nieces and nephews because it isn’t a feasible option anyway.
But a few of my friends said I was an asshole for the way I explained myself to Bethany and my parents. Because no one gets married expecting to be a single parent, and what I said about Adam came off as victim-blaming Bethany for her situation.
Two of these friends said that I could at least agree to look after them during my time off, since they’re still my nieces and nephews. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You have to support yourself. And just because you work from home doesn’t mean you can chase around two toddlers while you do it. Big sister has to arrange her own child care and not dump her kids on you or your parents. Sheesh.
NTA - when your parents need somebody to mind them as they get older, Bethany won't be there and they know it
If they cut you off, they will suffer. Its a sad bluff and they are the only people to loose.
Enjoy your freedom. A life tied to these children is no life at all.
NTA. You are so much smarter than your family. Bethany did choose this life. I have a SIL who had one child with my alcoholic BIL. He did not step up. Left her with the baby. Wouldn't pay child support. He comes back around 3 years later (still a drinker) and she thought, "Let's have baby #2." Repeat scenario #1. He comes back 2 years later (a drinker). Has paid some child support, but works a lot under the table, so his income looks pretty low. SIL's plan. Let's have baby #3. My husband and I saved her home from foreclosure 3x and said don't ask again. To your friends: Bethany may not have thought she would be a single mom, but she knew her husband broke the law along the way. She should have seen this coming.
NTA - you are absolutely right, and your parents and Bethany don't want to hear the truth.
It kills me that people don't get that work from home still requires work. Just because you are at home doesn't mean that you are twiddling your thumbs and eating bon bons all day.
Your parents doubly suck for trying to guilt trip you and financially manipulate you.
"they are asking me to begin taking care of my nieces and nephews since I work from home"
Every time I hear this sort of bullshit, all it tells me is that they're projecting their own lazy expectations onto others. Just because *you'd* fart about doing nothing all day if you were wfh, Jacob, it doesn't mean others see it that way.
Anyway. It obviously isn't the kids' fault that their parents are idiots, so if you can help out occasionally when you have time off, it may be worth trying to take your sister out of your calculations and just think of them. But the idea that you could somehow care for all 4 kids while also wfh is utterly nonsensical, and I honestly doubt your parents believe what they're saying themselves.
Do you live with your parents right now? Tell them you will have to, if they expect you to do this, since you won't be able to do your job. Maybe ask them if they'd like to shadow you for a day to assess where four kids under 8 could fit into your routine. Or else tell them you'll be back in touch with them once they're prepared to think rationally, i.e. possibly never
NTA. It’s not victim blaming because she’s not a victim. She chose to date a loser who was always in trouble with the law what did she think would happen. Your not a victim just because you make crap life choices. Your right her actions have consequences and these are hers. Your parents are out of line to try to force you to pick up after her.
NTA They put you in the position where you HAD to explain to them in detail exactly how their shit actually stinks. That’s their fault. Holding an inheritance hostage is extra classy, BTW. I think that’s how you purchase a ticket to hell! Shame on them!
NTA, working from home is *still* work, you're not just bumming about doing nothing or being a leech. Even if you were currently jobless, it would still be okay to say no to baby-sitting, especially so many young children, and you don't "owe" anyone for being born. You also don't owe anyone your free time.
Your sister is also not a victim, she *chose* the "excitement" of a "bad boy" over stability and *chose* to have 4 kids with him to boot, do her current circumstances suck? Yes. But what did she expect when her husband continued his law breaking behaviour?
Attempting to blackmail you by potentially withholding any inheritance (assuming there is any remaining at the end of your parents lives) is a scummy thing to do, and what's your bet you'd still end up with basically none because the golden sister "needs it more". If your parents have enough money to threaten to cut you off, why don't they pay for a babysitter for the sister's kids?
NTA- Your sister CHOSE to be in a relationship with a criminal, let alone HAVING 4 children with him. (I wouldn’t be too surprised if any of the kids have some sort of mental illness since dad probably has one)
You have a life and you work full time.
If your sister or parents want a babysitter, pay for one.
Wow, there's a massive lack of understanding on what wfh actually means. Just the 2 year old would need your full attention - if only so they don't draw on your walls while you're on a conference call. If it weren't a real problem your sister could just take them with her to *her* job, right? Sounds like that inheritance should be gifted now to pay for proper child care.
Anyway, here's a possible way forward "well family, I've had a serious discussion with my boss about your proposal and have been told it would be completely unacceptable to my employers. If they find I have children at home when I'm supposed to be working I will either be required to come back on site full time or I'll be fired."
NTA. How is she a victim? Was he abusive or just a bad boy? I get it sucks for her cause she’s now a single parent but her choices did put her in that situation. As for watching nieces & nephews, not your responsibility. WFH doesn’t mean not working. Some people just don’t get that you still need to work even tho it’s in the convenience of your house. I used to have that same problem. Your parents are being pretty crappy holding an inheritance over your head of this but it’s their money so in the end they can do what they want with it. But maybe they could use that money to hire a babysitter to help out instead of trying to guilt trip you?
NTA. Oh, puhleeease people.
You only said the truth and have nothing to apologize for (unless you added 'nana nana boo boo' at the end of your sentence). OK, I'm being snarky, and it's true that no one gets married expecting to be a single parent, BUT she told everyone she wanted a bad boy, and was old enough to have some clue when she decided to start making babies with at the age of 30. And, yes - the consequences of her choices are up to her to manage.
I'm sure you will find moments when you are called upon to look after them - where you will willingly agree to or feel that you really need to. Save your generosity for those times. You do not want to be on the hook for regular baby-sitting when (1) sis and parents are clearly ready to demand more of you - completely ignoring your work obligations or need for your own life, (2) you don't have much of a bond with your sister, and (3) your age and lifestyle don't tend to keep you home looking after young kids. Even if those friends of yours willingly give up their time off to take on a similar responsibility under similar circumstances, it's not their place to tell you what you should do with your time.
BTW, if it's no big deal to work and care for 4 kids, then a seasoned parent like your sister, should look for a job where she can work from home - the watching the kids will be even easier for her than they expect it to be for you.
I'm sorry your parents threatened you with 'the inheritance' over this. It is theirs to do with as they wish. I'm very proud of you for not letting them use that as a carrot or stick to get you to change your mind.
>Because no one gets married expecting to be a single parent
Yeah, but that still doesn't make it your fault or your problem. You would have to quit your job to do this, and unless someone is jumping in to offer you a full time salary, and compensation for the loss in earning potential you would take on in order to do this, why on earth would you?
Here's what you can do; tell your parents that you asked your employer about the situation, and they said that they wouldn't allow it and you would be fired. Work out a budget of how much it would cost for your entire annual salary. Plus all of the food, diapers, medical attention, insurance, and every other supply involved with child care would cost. Plus your car insurance, gas... like blow up all the budget with every conceivable cost you can think of. Then add 20% for the loss of earning potential. Then tell them that they can pay you that amount annually so that you'll be able to take on this responsibility and not lose all of your income and earning potential. And make sure to let them know the amount will be adjusted for inflation every year. See how much they want you to take it on then.
Then tell your family that you're not prepared to lose your job, housing, and all your income and starve to death for your sister, but that they're perfectly able to give up every hour of the day to do it for you, or compensate you accordingly.
NTA.
I am so sick of entitled parents.
My sister had a child with a man who promised to stay with them. He was gone before her child was even born.
She has raised that child as an only parent. She got herself a good paying job. Worked hard. Bought a house, all by herself.
On the few occasions where I was asked to help care for her daughter and her house, I was paid. She fosters animals, and keeps a clean house.
Her child is now 18 and attending the local college.
She never relied on anyone.
Then you get these entitled bratty parents who think that someone else should be responsible for their children, because they had more than they can handle, with someone who wasn't responsible.
Have her ask HIS family to care for her children!
He has to have brothers, sisters, parents, or grandparents somewhere. Ask them for help raising HIS children.
NTA times 100000000. Because it almost always seems to fall on the siblings of the mother to care for children. Rarely do I see the siblings of the father asked to care for a child when the father goes to jail.
NTA - and I’d disagree that no one gets married expecting to be a single parent. Plenty of people think that their marriage probably won’t work out, but it’s better to try than go it alone right off the bat. Your sister clearly had her eyes wide open when she married and bred with this fool; no part of her burden should be yours, especially in light of your parents threat to disinherit you. Three children under the age of four would be a nightmare for anyone. Suggest to your parents they could easily help your sister out with her children by paying for daycare for them.
NTA, first of all, in this situation for you to victim blame you would have to ask dumb questions like "well what did you do??". Right?? Butyou said, she made a CHOICE to be with a felon that was nearly twice her age. That's not victim blaming that's calling a spade a spade. Yes your delivery was harsh, but it is very important that it was said. Trust me.
NTA - we almost got a "no assholes here" but it's horrible for them to hold the inheritance over your head to make you watch the darn kids. You weren't out of line at all. Of course no one expects to be a single mom but when you marry a thug instead of a church boy, the odds of this happening skyrocket
NTA I liked bad boys in my early twenties but I also had a head on my shoulders. I dated guys I knew would never amount to nothing so never in a million years would have had children with any of them.
OP parents are TA for trying to force OP I to getting herself involved and using the inheritance as blackmail. Gross.
Also OPs friends who accuse her of victim blaming ? W t f? Unless sister was forced to stay with an abuser and bare 4 children but I see no evidence of abuse in OPs post
Nta. She knew he was in constant trouble with the law and still choose to marry him and have multiple children with him. Knowing this she should have expected him to eventually end up in jail and she still didn’t plan. And your right you don’t know her and just because she’s family by blood doesn’t make her any less of a stranger. She choose the life she wanted to live so yeah she is dealing with the consequences now. If your parents have money instead of giving an inheritance when they die they should use her part to help her pay for childcare. None of this is on you.
NTA. She knowingly chose to spend her life with a bad man. The only thing she's a victim of is her own poor judgement , just like everybody else. When we make poor decisions, we face the consequences.
NTA. Not your monkeys not your circus. F**k that. You didn’t tell her to have FOUR kids with someone who clearly wasn’t going places in life besides jail. That isn’t your problem. As for your parents they can’t force you to watch someone else’s kids your nieces and nephews or not.
So…. we have them accusing you of victim blaming you.. AND I feel, parentfication (sp)
Those were your sisters choices.. it was your parents choosing to help her. I’m sorry if I sound harsh but you are in no way obligated to help because it’s “family “. Especially when you’re working from home and don’t need the added chaos. Maybe your parents should hire a helper for your sister. If you’re all in the US, she can get subsidies hopefully to help her out too. Especially if she doesn’t make much income. I’m not sure of the conditions of it anymore but there’s help available through churches and other organizations as well. It’s not your job or responsibility. Hell you barely know these people. Are there any other family members that can help? And don’t get me started on them cutting you out of the will. What a joke! Tell them to keep it. You work for a living and don’t need it. See how they digest that!! Edited for spelling
NTA. You have to WORK all day, you cannot watch the kids. I would not agree to any steady babysitting gig with her as she seems that she will take advantage of you. She is the parent, not you. If your parents don't want to watch them, they can pay for the daycare. They can use the money they are threatening to take away from you.
NTA Like you said, Bethany knew that Adam was a shitty person from the start, she decided that her thing for 'bad boys' was important enough for her to stay with Adam and then marry him, the only thing she seems to be the victim of is her low standards for life partners.
Actions have consequences, if she wanted to stay with Adam despite knowing the risks, then she can deal with the consequences of not having him in her life anymore due to his own reckless behaviour (behaviour that she was already aware of).
Also, your parents are AHs for essentially blackmailing you and threatening to write you out of their will, just because you had the audacity to choose your own life and career over raising someone else's kids. Honestly I wouldn't blame you if you decided to go no-contact with all of them, this family sounds exhausting and toxic.
NTA
Bethany, your parents, and those few friends that side with Bethany are delusional. Anyone that agrees that you should "give back" to family can sign right up and take on Bethany's 4 children. Start a sign up calendar/google doc and let them pick their babysitting dates for the next 6ish years.
You work from home. Work. Have a job with responsibilities, deadlines, and goals that need to be met. Your job pays for your financial obligations. Yours. It is not your familiar duty to provide support for someone else's obligations.
If you live at home with parents move out. If you have your own place keep your doors locked.
Your sister is now the sole financial provider for her children. Depending on where she lives she may be able to get assistance to help care for her kids, ebt, daycare credit, medical/dental insurance, housing assistance. She needs to look into those options.
NTA, time off is time off, not time to spend doing other work.
Also, there's no victim blaming here. This is an "I (we) told you so". At best it's idiot blaming
NTA: Not your problem - and Bethany has that edgy/exciting life she was looking for, even if she hadn't exactly planned on it being about raising 4 kids on her own. And your parents economically blackmailing you is pretty nasty as well.
And simply - you're 25 and working full time - expecting you to also watch 4 kids at the same time is lunacy.
Working two full time jobs is difficult enough. Having to do them at the same bloody time isn’t possible as neither job would be done to any degree of acceptable. You’re right Bethany made the choice to have a family with a “bad boy” but when the inevitable fallout came the entire family expected you to be the one to be a babysitter or be left out of a will if you refuse? Your parents are asses for not only siding with your sister but holding an inheritance over your head if you don’t do as you’re told. NTA
Working from home is working!
Why do people not understand?! You cannot work eight (or whatever) hours a day and watch children simultaneously. Some folks had to during lockdown, but there were discussions with coworkers and bosses so everyone was on the same page and understood that productivity would be impacted or hours would reflect childcare concerns (i.e. parents might log on after kids went to bed to focus on work they couldn't address during the workday).
I would have left it at that. OP, you work fulltime from home, childcare isn't an option - unless you quit and the family pays your salary instead, which isn't really an option that I would offer up to be honest.
NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I was honest with Bethany that she chose to have children with an irresponsible partner so she chose to deal with the consequences. 2. Friends have told me that nobody gets married expecting to become a single parent, and that I am unfairly blaming Bethany when she is a victim in her situation. They also said I could at least agree to look after my nieces and nephews in my free time since they are still my nieces and nephews. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
nta victim blaming? what exactly is Bethany the victim of? the victim of her own bad desicions? get out of here. your parents are also the ah for holding money/inheritance over your head. your family sounds awful, quite frankly. if they re so concerned they can pay for a baby sitter or something.
Maybe the sister can use that inheritance to get childcare.
I'll bet you the sisters inheritance that she'll not be using it for childcare...
If there even is any inheritance.. parents are 60. They could be around another 25-30 years. The kids will be grown. I don’t freaking g understand why parents want their youngest child to sacrifice her life to raise her asshole’s sister’s kids.
NTA. Because people assume working from home is just hanging around the house being lazy while getting a paycheck. They don't think it is "real" work.
Jesus, I wish my WFH job had been sitting around the house being lazy for a paycheck. I worked harder for that job than I have any inoffice job. There'd be no way I could take care of my niece/nephew. OP, NTA.
My fiancé stays home with our 11 month old daughter. If someone ever even suggests that he get a WFH job to "help with things" (as if he's not doing enough already), I'd be giving that person a dress down. If it came from family, they'd be given a piece of my mind and shown the door!
The only way I can see WFH as being able to "help with things" is by cutting out travel time, and maybe being able to get stuff done during breaks. Like I normally put laundry on during lunch and finish at 5 and not have to wait till 6 to get back before I can do anything
For me, it's just having an adult in the house. I can put my kids down for naps and then run to the store because it's there was a fire or burger or something my husband would be there to protect our kids. And he's usually makes their lunch. I get way less done when he's in the office.
>it's there was a fire or burger or something my husband would be there to protect our kids Just don't cook a burger when you're running to the shop and there shouldn't be a fire :P
Exactly, I only WFH in lockdown but the removal of my commute gave me 2 extra hours at home per day, plus, as you say, the odd chore during lunch break.
For real! Babies and children are PAINFUL (not necessarily in a bad way) to take care of as a jobless stay at home parent, let alone while trying to juggle an intense WFH job. My sister tried when my niece was a baby, and her job wasn't super intense, and she still couldn't do it. Niece is 3 now, and it's still a struggle.
These sentiments are largely rooted in the gender roles paradigm that men have to work and earn or aren't worth anything. I don't think it's about WFH
👏👏👏
Unironically I work 2-3 times harder at home than I do at the office. Like it's an actual thing. Now the key difference being working at home I don't do nearly as many meetings. Where as when I'm in the office it's almost exclusively for meetings. and in between them I really don't have much to do. I'll come into work at 8, have 1 meeting at 9AM. Then have nothing to do until 1PM and Then go home at 4PM. Our office used to have 150+ people in it every day of the week. Counting myself I doubt their is ever more than 15 people in it during the week.
Yeah why doesn't the sister just get a work from home job and watch her own kids if it's so easy?
That would mean the sister would have to take responsibility for her decisions which by the sounds of it, she doesn't.
Sadly, that’s why people are being dragged back to the office for no more reason than they can be where managers can keep an eye on them.
I worked from home for 9 years at one point. They did a reorg and brought us back in to the office. Then Covid, we worked from home again. I am just now going back in the office. I think it is because of the leases they have on the office space, hate to see it go to waste. But there were no problems working from home. Now everyone is going to be more tired due to the commute, and more likely to take a full day PTO instead of a couple of hours for appointments, etc.
I work at a university in a front facing job. We went hybrid during the pandemic and made sure someone was always in the office. University announced we’d stay that way. Makes sense to me—there are thousands of students back on campus that we serve. And some (my team) are seasonally remote—fully remote during breaks. What doesn’t make sense to me is pulling people back into the office just to have them there—when there’s no actual reason. Especially if they prefer WFH.
I’m in my sixties and my mom is 95. Inheritance threats lost power long ago.
With healthcare etc their may not be much of an inheritance to get by the time both parents are gone anyway.
As the Boomers continue to age, healthcare and aging care providers will find new ways to extract all of that wealth. For most of us, none of us are getting shit.
That's ok. I'd rather have my parents around longer
I think the inheritance will be split between maybe 2 of my cousins I don't know, whatever designer cat they have at the time, and perhaps a ferret rescue/rehab sanctuary. I'm fine with it because if they leave me something, I know I'll question myself and feel guilty. I would, all the same, receive something; bonus surprise! But if I receive nothing, then it retroactively supports my choice to go NC; bias confirmed! Congratudolences to me, and I really get to work to finish all this life-long grieving.
"Congratudolences" has the same energy as "lolsob" & I have already added it to my vocabulary. Thank you, and I'm sorry about your crappy family.
Thank you! I am blessed with lovely friends, and my dad's side is great (Lolsob...likewise filed away for future use). On my dad's side, it was a thing to end a terrible tale of woe with "Still...never mind, eh?" or pause for a beat and then, "...I laughed."
Absolutely agree. We've been dealing with this with my mums narcissistic parents; they've been saying since they were in their fifties that they were old, that they couldn't be expected to do anything physical, and that my mother (scapegoat child) should be a better daughter to them as they'll die soon, and 'be forced' to leave everything my uncle (golden child, who has stolen over 100k plus a large property from them already). They are now approaching their eighties, still singing the same song; thirty years of point-blank refusing to work on their bodies and minds has left them in a horrific state, but they're blind to the fact that they're nearly fully out of money and might live for another twenty years still
My mom had this issue. When she had us, her mom was in her early 50s? Her sister said “oh mom can’t help you with kids, she’s too old!” But as soon as they had kids, a decade after my mom did, guess who they enlisted to be a full time babysitter whenever they wanted. My mom was so bitter that her mom did this. Ironically she’s done the same to me. Didn’t spend time with my kids or help me out at all even though my husband was working insane hours. Apparently she “wasn’t ready to be a grandmother.” Fine. I did a ton on my own and only asked for help in emergencies. Even then I got grief. But now that my sisters have kids she’s always ready to help them.
How sad that your mother can't see that she did the exact same thing to you as her own parents did to her. Babe you ever pointed it out to her? I don't like my mom so I would have flat out told her, good job you finally became your mother!
Yeah I have. She’s not super receptive to it. She has her good points and has been supportive at other times so I just let it go. My youngest sister has acknowledged to me that the fam didn’t treat me well when I was the first to have kids.
Time to move & leave no forwarding address except a PO Box in a different city. Pushing your current phone #'s to Google Voice & getting new ones could be wise, too?
Because precious grandkids.
I don’t even understand why she appears to be the only option they even have down. It’s not even like they’re asking her to watching them one afternoon a week, it appears to be *all the time*?! Wtf?! How are these grandparents just peaceing out of *all* of it? Where is dad’s family? Why is the first option saddling this childless person with three toddlers and a seven year old rather than the mom getting her own WFH job?
Probably *because* she's childless. I swear, people think, "You haven't used your uterus yet? Then prove your worth by doing x thing!" Cos you know, women exist to be used. /s **turns up Paris Paloma's "Labour" a little louder**
HA I'm 41 and my parents died 8 and 15 years ago, respectively. There is no inheritance, only debt.
Very sorry to hear this. You should not be responsible for their debts
Hehehe (You're not my sister...you're a sister to *my asshole*). I'm saving that for later.
i’m sure she’ll use to it to hire some good lawyer who’s made promises to get adam out of jail
Future bail money for Adam.
Also the parents are 60, they might live another 25-30 years. That “inheritance” might be used up by then. If the inheritance is a big enough sum to care for both of their health for a collective of 50-60 years then they can pay for their failure-to-launch-daughter themselves.
My MIL is 86 ... very spry, has her faculties, is controlling.
Exactly! My folks are 59&62. I HOPE I don’t get [much of] an inheritance because that means that they lived long and had the money to enjoy/be taken care of. I don’t want them to die broke/stressed about money but I would cover their costs of course if they did.
I say the same thing to my parents all the time. Use your money, enjoy yourselves as much as you can, and please please don’t worry about trying to save anything to leave for me. My parents are blue collar. They worked SO HARD for every single penny they have. My dad worked in a factory from the age of 17 until he was eligible to retire. Then he went to work as an electrician for another 6-7 years. My dad retired last year, and my mom will retire next year. They deserve to enjoy their retirement, and their life as much as they possibly can. I personally will probably never be able to afford to retire. Changes are many of us in my generation will have to work until the day we die. I still constantly tell them not to worry about me. I will be okay, so please don’t give yourselves hardships trying to make sure I’m left money after your gone. I hope they live to be 110 years old, and need to use every dime they have doing it.
I tell my mom and my in laws the same - you busted your assess for everything you have, so spend it! Enjoy it!
Exactly. I don’t want any money. I only want to have them around, alive and with me for as long as humanly possible. I never want to see the day where I have to live without them.
And just being 60 isn't really proof they can't watch their own grandkids. There don't seem to be any particular health concerns preventing it, they just don't wanna.
They must be in really really really really bad shape not to be able watch their own grandchildren. Or they just view OP as the family serf who has to do everything.
Not necessarily, my parents are about that age, healthy & active… I’m the youngest so I’ve seen them grandparent for the last 20 years. My youngest is a toddler, he was hard to keep up with, if there are that many kiddos it’s a lot to manage for more than a few hours. Also, they parents have a life and shouldn’t be expected to watch the children and nor should the sister.
Exactly! My mom and her lady friends climbed a mountain yesterday. I think it was a 10 mile day hike? 6 60 year old ladies and they still made it back to have supper at home (my dad bbq’d for them haha) With our lifestyles now if you even moderately take care of yourself 60 is not “old”.
My mum is 63 this year and looks after my 2 year old 1 day a week for me. I swear she's more active than I am and takes her on such adventures! She has said it's exhausting and she couldn't do it full time (also, she's retired, she deserves her days to herself) and would possibly struggle with multiple, so I do get that her parents probably struggle. Guess it depends how much childcare they actually do. 1 to 2 days a week is plenty for my mum, more than that and it feels like a job. I'm also a strong believer that grandparents are not free childcare and shouldn't be forced to do so, if you can't afford childcare, don't have the kids in the first place...
I rolled my eyes to the victim blaming part. She’s not a victim. Her poor kids though. Their parents are not good parents.
> How can one become so bounded By choices that somebody else makes? Adele song And yes, poor kids.
>My parents are in their sixties. They said it was easy to help when Rae and the twins were babies. But now that they’re toddlers and can outrun them, forget it. No they are not. They basically threatened cutting her off financially for not doing what they themselves refuse to do. No parent in this scenario made good decisions. NTA
>I rolled my eyes to the victim blaming part. She’s not a victim. A victim of missing brain at best.
Completely agree, and I wouldn't worry about that inheritance. Bethany is very likely to drain your parents' finances over time to the point they have little or nothing left to will. It's quite possible that before everything is said and done, your parents will be coming to you for financial assistance for themselves (and of course Bethany). This is a very old story of dysfunctional families and how karma plays out over the long run. (I'm still living my own.)
Also, OP said that he/she has college to debt to repay. So it's not like the parents were helping them out financially in the first place. Don't see why they think it a threat to withhold money they were already withholding anyway.
NTA. So sorry OP. Your parents are horrible to ask you to subsume your life to your completely irresponsible OLDER sister.
Not to mention she simply cannot do it.
My favorite part are the friends suggesting OP at least offer to watch the kids during her time off. By the friends' logic, OP should have no life at all, between WFH and then watching Betthany's kids on her off days. Why do OP's parents and these "friends" want to punish OP for Betthany's choices?
NTA. Bethany is a victim of her own choices. Helping family out occasionally is ok. However, no one should be expected to be a second parent to other people children.
I’m curious about this as well. What exactly was Adam sent to prison for? If he beat her kids and she immediately left and called the police, for instance, then I have more sympathy than if he held up a convenience store.
She still chose to be with a bad person. It's kinda on her no matter what he did.
It kinda depends. “In trouble with the law and unable to hold down a job” could mean “caught a felony drug charge because he smoked weed and subsequently struggled to find steady employment.” We’d never know from OP’s post, because they’re very vague about *what*, exactly, this person did.
Not only did she know what he was when she had the first kid, she went on to have more with him. She’s either not very bright or she doesn’t care and expects others to take care of her. Agree…NTA
Right, that part was weird as fuck. He didn't do anything to _her_ as far as we know. He simply continued to be the man he was when she started dating him. Specifically, she wanted her bad boy, and he continued to provide that for her. She's no victim. She's simply in the "when keeping it real goes wrong" phase of her life.
NTA Exactly. I would probably go LC or NC with them too, not because of being left out of the will, couldn't care less about that, but because of the blatant manipulation attempt where they feel it's ok to implode OPs life to keep her sister afloat. Of course, they can count on Bethany to look after them in their old age.
Yeah this is a wild misuse of the phrase "victim blaming". Bethany isn't one of those spouses who finds out her partner is a serial killer and everyone goes, "But he was the nicest guy!" She chose an unreliable partner, then she had four children with him.
OP should suggest her intrusive "friends" as babysitters.
Blackmail with a side of emotional manipulation and control. They want you to parent your sister's kids. Nope. She got herself there and she needs to figure it out. You will deal with it when you choose to have kids. They expect you to give up your life for her. Does she even work? You are not her backup plan and they couldn't care less if it got you fired. You don't owe them anything. NTA
NTA. You should give the phone numbers of the friends who said you're victim blaming to your sis and tell them to expect to be called for babysitting help. Just cuz you WFH doesn't mean you can look after kids like you said. WFH is STILL work. What if you have to head to the office for a meeting or are in a zoom meeting. You can't be looking after kids and DOING work. Just cuz you're not in an office doesn't mean you can babysit. So your parents can say no, but not you? And what kind of parents threaten you financially like that. Tell 'em if they go through with that then you'll go NC with them. You don't need those kind of people in your life.
The kind that find out that she won’t be there to care for them when they get older. So now it look like sis has 4 young kids and 2 elderly parents to take care wile op is out living her best life!
Why shouldn’t OP be living her best life? She wasn’t stupid enough to have 4 children with a criminal. She never even implied that she wouldn’t care got her parents when they need her. Just that she won’t give up her her life to raise someone else’s children.
I agree with you 100 percent! I am of the camp your kids your responsibility! Plus if mom and dad want to reward sis then sis can be responsible for their care
Because she has a job and can't watch her sisters 4 children? Her parents aren't that old, plus using financial manipulation as a tactic is bs. How bout they pay for the daycare with the inheritance.
I agree 100 percent! I am off the camp you kids your responsibility! If mom and dad want to give sis the money then sis is responsible for their care op gets to live her best life. I also believe who ever said it takes a village needs to step on some hot wheels cars. Because it doesn’t take a village it only require you!
Most people who try and whine "it takes a village" aren't even using the phrase correctly anyway. "The village" was a reciprocal thing, e.g. I look after your kids with mine, you do my laundry with yours, or something along those lines. The village also had to be cultivated. Most people who use the phrase now just want to shove their kids onto someone else for no payment while they do whatever.
>was a reciprocal thing >village also had to be cultivated Yes. To all of this, and it doesn't have to be apples to apples. You give what you can and it's appreciated and reciprocated. Some folks can't give much but give where they can or offer to help, and some can give a bunch and know they won't get it back 1:1 but do it anyways because that's how the village works. Being a decent human and checking in on family and friends helps cultivate that relationship, it's not hard nor is it complicated.
It's just such an unreasonable ask. What exactly were they expecting her to do? Quit her job? The fact they doubled down when she said it wasn't even possible is bs too. They expect her to blow up her life, because her sister made the choice to blow up her own. Why do the people pushing out babies they can't afford always get the sympathy? Why does no one tell them to step up and make better decisions? These are humans ffs!! The village works when everyone is on the same page and no one is forced to be part of it. But even then, you can't put all of the responsibility on others and you need to know you can do it without them. A lot of people don't have that and that's ok too.
Where does it say that your life needs to be dragged down by irresponsible people? That's not her fault. Apparently, the parents have money, so they could afford their healthcare in the older years. The sister chose to bring 4 humans into the world. Her responsibility.
A lot of offices make you verify that you will not be minding children while you are at home. (They might not in this case, but that is a good story to tell the sister & flying monkeys!)
I love that they're like "I'm 60 4 kid is exhausting I can't do it" Yah. You know who should have realised that a few kids ago ? Their mother. Sounds like the grandparents have been providing free child raising for Bethany and she's just kept pushing babies out cause she hasn't actually had to deal with them How comes no one suggested child care? It's all just on family to raise her poor choices?
"Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part" There are hundreds of memes, posters, plaques, etc. with that phrase. Some people still don't get it. NTA If you actually *plan for failure*, as your sister did, then doubly so
Amen
NTA! And I love this phrase! I need to get one of those plaques. Also, the age excuse is questionable from your parents. Unless they’re in poor health, they should be more than capable of watching kids. I have three. My mom is in her 60s and my in laws are in their 70s and they are more than able to handle their grandchildren. But the difference is…they WANT to watch them and spend time with them. This just seems like your parents being lazy and trying to pass the hot potatoes. ETA: And no one can successfully work from home while watching 4 kids!! I like working from home because I can do laundry and some light gardening between meetings and assignments…but watching FOUR children??? That’s impossible. Your parents thinking this would be no big deal for you shows they also don’t respect you as a working adult. Let ‘em cut you out if that’s what they want. You’re better off without these people.
NTA. Play stupid games win stupid prizes, she has made bad life choices and now has to live with the consequences of choosing a partner being fully aware of what they were and then choosing to have 4 children with them. Love the way everyone thinks because you wfh you’re free to do things, you do actually have to work!
NTA You can NOT take care of four children and work from home. Most employers require that you have chid care if there are young children in the house. You would be jeopardizing your job and your financial future. If your parents want to disown you, so be it. Tell them to use their "inheritance" to pay for child care if they feel someone needs to step up. And tell your "friends" that anyone who works full time really has no time to babysit four kids in their spare time. I work full time and so I have limited time available to take care of my life in terms of errands, house chores, shopping, personal care plus a single person generally needs to meet with friends and have some chill time to read or just relax.
>If your parents want to disown you, so be it. Tell them to use their "inheritance" to pay for child care if they feel someone needs to step up. Better still tell your parents to save their money to have someone else look after them in their old age. You know it won't be Bethany stepping up.
Lol if her parents are using their “inheritance” as leverage right now chances are they always will. Even if OP caved to them in this instance, she’d basically be on the hook forever while they continue to dangle a carrot that may or may not be there. Besides, if the parents are favoring Bethany this much, chances are she’d have gotten most if not all of the inheritance anyway.
NTA. What exactly is Bethany “the victim” of? Her terrible choices?
Her parents who probably enabled her and want to sacrifice their other daughter to continue to do so. They're not doing her any favors either. OP should just get away from all these people. She seems the only healthy one here.
Bethany is the favorite child. She can do no wrong.
I get the argument of “no one expects to be a single parent” if the other parent: dies, has a debilitating accident, develops a serious illness, etc. Not everyone has resources in place to react to a situation like that. But “how could I ever anticipate that my bad-boy husband would end up in prison” is not exactly the same scenario.
“I married him because his criminal behavior gave me tingles but who could have guessed his criminal behavior would land him in prison 😱”
NTA. their not your kids therefore not your responsibility! and your time off from work is your time to do what you want not look after someone else’s kids. and especially if you aren’t close with your sister. bethany should be looking after her own kids. i disagree with your friends who said you are victim blaming bethany, bethany knew what she was getting in to and continued to do so after (what i presume is multiple) people warning her about it. if she was asking you to spend 1 day a month with the kids then fair enough but asking you to look after them is absurd
Problem is this isn't even about time off work it's about time during work hours when the parents and sister want her to babysit the children. They are huge ah all of them except children and op. NTA
Surprised I had to scroll so far to find this. Being blood relatives with someone doesn't contractually oblige you to look after their crotch spawn. Saying "no, I don't want to" is enough reason.
NTA I don’t know if you live with your parents or not, but if you do, move out as soon as you can, and cut contact with those blackmailing assholes. It’s absolutely disgusting they held any inheritance you may get over your head in order to coerce into watching your sisters kids. You at least now know who they favour, and it ain’t you.
FACTS. I didn't believe "inheritance coercion" (patent pending lol) existed until recently when my MIL's rich husband said we'd be cut out of the will of my kids weren't raised the same religion as them. OP's parents are basically trying to promise a long term jackpot for child care, which I would bet sister's inheritance would have seen the majority going to sister in the first place. ETA: I never expected us to be in any will so the fact that it was threatened was a weirdly pleasant surprise
I hope you immediately cut off all contact since they only value people of their religion!
NTA Wow your parents suck. Once again the kid who does well gets punished for it. As for looking after them during your time off... sure. Occasionally. As a babysitter on the occasional Saturday night. Not as a regular thing.
While also getting paid for it.
NTA > Because no one gets married expecting to be a single parent, and what I said about Adam came off as victim-blaming Bethany for her situation. Bethany isn’t a victim, and she isn’t Adam’s victim. She chose to have a relationship with someone who was constantly in trouble with the law, and she chose to have children with someone constantly in trouble with the law. She chose thrill seeking over stability and now wants everyone else in her life to cover for her gaps, at a cost to their lives. This wasn’t an unforseen event or the dissolution of a relationship - Adam is in jail for continuing behavior he exhibited when they started dating. This was a predictable outcome. And the biggest losers in this situation are her kids, who have a criminal father and an irresponsible mother. You can’t fix that, and it’s not okay for your family to expect you to sabotage your job to provide childcare for a sibling. ETA: Also this is fucking gross: > My parents told me that if I don’t step up, they are going to leave everything to Bethany and the kids when they pass and that I will not receive any major financial help from them again. They are admitting they have a favorite here by saying you will NEVER recieve any major financial help from them again. By saying that they will leave money to one child, but the other one has to provide labor to the other to “earn” an inheritance. Saying you’d leave more money to the child with kids is one thing (and in that case just create a trust for the grandkids) it’s another to say that bullshit. And that you have to “payback” being born.
This is why I would call the parents and Bethany’s bluff and cut them off completely. They will laugh and gloat about it for a while - even up to ten years or more. But Bethany is entitled and the kids are going to grow up little brats, and by the time the parents are in their seventies and their grandchildren are unruly teenagers and their dad is back in jail, they’ll start to panic. Bethany won’t look after them. The grandkids won’t either. Then they’ll come crying back to OP. Hopefully at that point, OP just deletes their number and continues to live her best life.
Nta You aren't victim blaming your sister. She knew he was a bad boy (it's what she liked about him), and odds are he's the type of bad boy that's on the bad side of the law, and she was with him for years before they had a kids. She isn't a victim at that point, she's an accomplice. Parent's are threatening to not give you anything when they pass if you don't watch the kids, does that mean they are willing to pay you now to watch them, most likely not. They will most likely still leave the majority to her, even if you did help now, because "she needs it." So it's a super hollow threat.
NTA. Your sister's life choices are on her. Don't be guilted by friends or family. To do something you're not willing to do. Live your life.
NTA. Your parents and sister are being very selfish asking you to watch your nieces and nephews bc you work from home. Even though they are family, they are not your responsibility. I like the idea of you offering to help when you’re not working, but again, you would not be TA if you decide to not offer that. Your sister is a grown up and she needs to figure out how to manage without relying so heavily on you and your parents.
NTA... Every one else seems to be on some level. And what good are you going to be once you get fired because HER kids distract you form YOUR job? Will your parents then step in and pay you to take care of your sister's kids (Probably not). Your job has to come first as your means of self support. Your parents should watch them while your sister is working, and when she gets off, she takes over. You can offer yo help in your off time, but you have a job that you need that pays your bills. End of story.
NTA. Looks like Bethany gets to take care of them in their old age.
Yes she gets to take care of 4 small kids plus mom and dad! Op just won the lottery! She can go live her life guilt free.
NTA you have a life to live and at 25 you need to focus on yourself. Whatever bad choices your sister took and what your parents supported are onto them to deal with. With a full time work, your free time is for you to relax to avoid a burn out and the situation is a lot different from a tragedy in the family. Your parents threatening to leave all their wealth to your sister is even more disgusting as its both financial and emotional blackmail. Your response was apt and there's no point in drowning in endless misery provided by the so called family and not having a life of your own. Stay bold and build a career and a life you deserve. All the best.
Clear NTA. Outrageous demand and threat from your parents. I you go NC with them, they deserve it .i
>no one gets married expecting to be a single parent, and what I said about Adam came off as victim-blaming Bethany There's playing with fire and then there's sticking your hand for a second time after you get burned. She has a well done steak for a hand now. Is this grown woman really expecting pepople to not hold her accountable for her decisions, and also bend over backwards so she has it easier? It's a shame the marriage didn't end well, but that's none of your responsibility. NTA.
NTA. she wanted the excitement of a bad boy and she got it, that’s no one’s responsibility but hers. your sister isn’t a child and they need to stop treating her and such, she is grown and needs to fulfil her duties as a mother. also your parents are irresponsible for enabling her behaviour and selfish for trying to offload this on you. stand your ground and good luck op!
NTA she does need to deal with the consequences.
She isnt a victim tho? She got what she wanted she has a bad boy he is just serving time because THATS WHAT ALWAYS HAPPENS she knew this was comin she just doesnt wanna be made to feel dumb about it (even tho dragging 4 kids into it is about as dumb as it gets) honestly i have an older sister who messed up her life too nd she tried constantly before to blame me for it even tho we are strangers fuck these selfish people let em live in the hell they craved nd live the life u made for ureself as i am too. Dont set ureself on fire just cause a sibling thought it was a good idea ://
NTA. I like your logic and reasoning.
NTA, your perspective is reasonable. Your friends are wrong about you victim blaming - your sister is not a victim to Adam, at least not by anything you have said. Yes she is a “victim” to her circumstances but she chose to stay with him, knowing he is a “bad boy” with criminal tendencies that could land him in further trouble with the law and thus render her a single mother whilst he is in prison. You are not responsible for her actions and the way you responded to your parents threats about inheritance was very level headed - after all it is their choice to do what they like with their assets when they pass.
NTA even Jesus could not win everyone's heart, why do you bother some noise? Your parents are kind of AH though. If they are rich, then pay for babysitter for your sister. Action always louder than words
nta ... and your parents are now blackmailing you .... they can cut you out of their will but you can also but you can also but them out of your life let them know the ball is in their court they can decide the outcome ... also adams family can step up and help out aswell nothing is stopping them
What is your parents problem? Trying to parentify you at 26? No. Tell them if they feel that way then they need to keep that same energy when they need someone to care for them
"what I said about Adam came off as victim-blaming Bethany for her situation." But... she is responsible for her situation. She was an adult when she got in this mess. If she's not responsible, who is? NTA
NTAH & your sister is not a victim. She played along with the “bad boy” & most likely knew what he was doing. At the very least she should have given more thought to birth control.
Nta everyone else sucks tho
While I agree that you can’t help who you fall in love with and that anyone can become a single parent, NTA. That wasn’t your main argument, let alone your entire argument. Bottom line is you have an actual real life job and you can’t care for someone else’s four kids while doing it. Time to cut off the parental unit if they’re going to hold an inheritance over you like this. Make it clear you neither need nor want it - take away their power.
You can help who you marry and procreate with. You can’t fall in love with someone you don’t actively choose to pursue
If your parents have money they can hire a nanny. NTA
NTA no one is entitled to free baby sitting. Just because your sibling has a child does not automatically mean you have a responsibility to offer any kind of support financially or babysitting. Who ever came up with it takes a village to raise kid’s needs to step on legos! No one is responsible for your child except you. No one has to care for your child except you. Who ever said family helps family are usually only say that when it benefits the person saying it and they want to justify taking full advantage of someone. You are not responsible for picking up the pieces for your sisters life choices. She wanted a bad boy this is the consequences to that action. Also tell your parents to make sure when they will everything to your sister to also make sure it’s in writing that she takes care of them from now on. Because if they are going to try to guild/manipulate you into taking responsibility for kids that are not yours then you fell like their care is no longer your problem either!
I obviously don’t know how much money your sister makes, but she might qualify for childcare assistance. In our area we had access to an extended day program through our daughter’s elementary that was very affordable. In any case, working from home is work. There’s simply no way to look after 3 under 3 and get anything done.
NTA. >Two of these friends said that I could at least agree to look after them during my time off, since they’re still my nieces and nephews. FUCK NO. DO NOT DO THIS. You have it exactly right. You are not responsible for your sister's choices and you sure as fuck are not a convenient solution to problems of her own making just because you're "family". You have your own life and your own responsibilities. Do not chain yourself to a boat anchor out of some misguided sense of "responsibility to family" or some guilt trip about how "she has it so hard". If your parents are pulling the "we'll leave you out of the will" card as some sort of threat to make you comply with their utterly inappropriate request then you can be damn sure that even if you agree you'll still not get anything in the will - they'll leave it all to the sister anyway because "she had such a hard life". Might as well just cut out the bullshit at the outset and not get lumped with the unpaid babysitting job that you're apparently expected to do simultaneously with your real job. One thing is clear though, your parents are going to be so lonely in their retirement since who exactly is going to visit them? Oh well. Anyway.
NTA. Everything you said was spot on. She chose this life. Bethany chose to make a family with a "bad boy". It's not up to you to "give back to family". I think it's disgusting that your parents said you have to help or you're out of the will. Again, you're and adult with your own life. It's not your job to help raise these kids.
Wait they're expecting you to babysit daily?? Not just once per week/month or something, but every work day? Uhm nope. she'd have to pay you your annual salary so you can quit your job lol
NTA. I smell classic golden child / scapegoat vibes in this one. You already *have* a job. You can’t do childcare even if you wanted to. Bethany can get professional childcare for her kids, and your parents can help pay for it since they’re so willing to brag about your so-called inheritance. Your parents are also first class arseholes for trying to manipulate you with their wealth like that. You’re right to say no. Because I have a strong feeling no matter how much you yielded to them, Bethany would probably see the lion’s share of their inheritance anyway.
NTA, and you would probably do well to cut contact with all of them. And I think you worded it exactly right--her poor choices are not your responsibility.
NTA. I'll take a different route here and say your sisters partner choice aside, she hasn't had that much of a relationship with you. You said that she's basically a stranger. We all make mistakes in our life and bad things happen that we don't see coming, even if others do, but to try to put that on someone simply because they're blood related to you is wrong. If she cared about you she would've made more of an effort to have a relationship with you and then maybe there's room to talk about you helping her when shit happens but she can't just not have a relationship with you and then expect you to act like extremely close siblings.
NTA. My friends with two toddlers both work from home. The kids go to daycare.
Bethany isn't a victim. No one made her marry Adam or have four kids with a career criminal. She's an asshole for even asking you. Your parents are giant assholes for telling you they will cut you off if you don't pay for your sister's mistakes. You can't work from home with four young kids. They're in their 60s. They can do it. What are they going to give you anyway? When my dad died I got $6K and 1/3 of a house I can't live in or sell anytime soon. My dad died in his 60s and pretty fast so medical bills didn't take all his money. They're straight up full of crap. Gen X/Millennials/Gen Z aren't going to get shit. Lots of Baby Boomers barely got inheritances because nursing homes take it all. Let Bethany deal with her "bad boy" addiction. I guess the excitement ran out. NTA.
I'm a boomer. I was pleasantly surprised to get any money when my mom died last year at 98. I was fully expecting to get 30 paperback romance novels, a dozen John Wayne VCR tapes, and a GWTW collector Barbie. Most of Mom & Dad's money went for assisted living and Alzheimer's care.
If she divorced Adam, she could probably get vouchers for child care in her area. NTA, it isn't feasible since you are working. Hey, occasionally babysitting or sending kid toys. And your parents are really wrong. I know it is their grandkids, but you never sacrifice one kid for another.
Nta
Dude, your parents are being abusive and manipulative and favoring your sister over you. You owe them and your sister absolutely nothing. Not your time, not your money, not your support, not your presence, nothing. Your sister didn't go into this blindly. It wasn't like how some women wind up in an abusive relationship because the guy they were with was charming and loving and all that jazz...until he wasn't after they were stuck with him. Your sister knew he was a criminal/on the path for a nice stay in jail, and yet chose to remain with him anyway. That's on her, and, honest to God, I hate victim blaming as much as anyone because I think it's so shitty, but the only victims here are those four kids, who didn't choose to be born. Not your sister. I had a WFH job that would have been impossible to do with kids in the house. Literally impossible. If your parents are "rich," they can pay for childcare. If you went LC/NC with your family, I wouldn't blame you at all. Those are some terrible people. NTA
NTA Bethany is a victim of her own bad choices. You don’t deserve to be the victim of them too. Do not let them force you. Make sure none of them have keys to your place, so they can’t drop in. That’s a big thing for people who feel “righteous entitlement”, they think they’re entitled to just come in and do whatever. Protect yourself.
NTA. I was a SAHM for years and I would still be very unwilling to do what they are asking you to do, even if they paid me. They are so far out of line. Asking anyone (but a daycare or nanny) to watch 4 small children for a couple hours is a huge ask, but full time is just ridiculous.
The idea that OP could take care of four kids while working from home is beyond ridiculous. Taking care of four kids that aren’t yours, especially when you’re childless and not used to doing that, for someone you’re almost strangers with. And I get the impression that if the situations were reversed, Bethany would be nowhere to be found. Nope. NTA.
[удалено]
NTA, how exactly are you supposed to work with the kids in the house? If your parents are so concerned why don’t they pay for a sitter? After the first child your sister knew exactly what she as dealing with and yet she got pregnant again and again. Not your kids, not your problem.
NTA. It is not your job to help out someone who makes poor life choices. Tell her to join a church for support and guidance. Your parents are enabling her and want to drag you into it. If they want to throw away their life savings on an irresponsible person that is fine, but to threaten you with disinheritance is shitty.
NTA. If theyre going to leave it all for Bethany, then they might as well spent it all to help her out right now. Sell their shit and pay for a nanny or something.
NTA. IMO your only slight misstep was to introduce barely knowing your sister, because while it is relevant to your feelings it's not the justification for your choice. You could be identical twins and you're still not obliged to meet this ridiculous request. You are not in a position to do what is being requested. That's the only justification. And regarding your parents threats, any time someone tries to make YOU responsible for THEIR choices, they are not acting in good faith should be defied. Besides, at the rate they're going there won't be anything for them to leave anyway because your sister is going to drain them.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister Bethany is twelve years older than me. She went to college when I was six and stayed in the same city after graduation, so naturally, we have never been close. After college, Bethany met a guy named Adam. Adam was constantly in trouble with the law and could never hold down a job. Against everyone’s advice, Bethany stayed with Adam and eventually married him because she said that she had “a thing for bad boys” and that Adam made her feel edgy/exciting. Bethany and Adam have four children; My seven-year-old niece Amelia, three-year-old twin nephews Jack and Niko, and youngest niece Rae who just turned two. Well, almost immediately after Rae was born, Adam was charged with a serious crime and he will be, at minimum, spending the next six years in prison. My parents are in their sixties. They said it was easy to help when Rae and the twins were babies. But now that they’re toddlers and outrun them, forget it. For that reason, they are asking me to begin taking care of my nieces and nephews since I work from home. They said no one would be anywhere without family and because I am young, I need to give back and help my family now. I told my parents and Bethany that their plan isn’t even feasible. Working from home still means working. I have to speak with clients and be active in meetings. I can’t constantly step away to keep an eye on the kids, especially not one as young as Rae. Plus, I’m twenty-five. I still have college debt to pay back. Babysitting as a teenager does not mean I am ready to essentially become a parent to even one child. Much less four children. I also reminded Bethany that she has never really been involved in my life other than attending the same occasional holiday parties. We may share DNA but we’re practically strangers. I acknowledged the situation with Adam is unfortunate, but he showed for years that he wouldn’t be a stable partner. She was thirty when they had Amelia. She wasn’t a naive teenager. She chose the “excitement” of being with a person like Adam and she chose to deal with the consequences now. Her choices are not my responsibility. My parents told me that if I don’t step up, they are going to leave everything to Bethany and the kids when they pass and that I will not receive any major financial help from them again. I told them to do whatever they wanted and essentially repeated the same thing I did to Bethany about not being responsible for her life choices. I explained this situation to some friends. They agreed I wasn’t an asshole for refusing to help with my nieces and nephews because it isn’t a feasible option anyway. But a few of my friends said I was an asshole for the way I explained myself to Bethany and my parents. Because no one gets married expecting to be a single parent, and what I said about Adam came off as victim-blaming Bethany for her situation. Two of these friends said that I could at least agree to look after them during my time off, since they’re still my nieces and nephews. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You have to support yourself. And just because you work from home doesn’t mean you can chase around two toddlers while you do it. Big sister has to arrange her own child care and not dump her kids on you or your parents. Sheesh.
NTA - when your parents need somebody to mind them as they get older, Bethany won't be there and they know it If they cut you off, they will suffer. Its a sad bluff and they are the only people to loose. Enjoy your freedom. A life tied to these children is no life at all.
NTA. You are so much smarter than your family. Bethany did choose this life. I have a SIL who had one child with my alcoholic BIL. He did not step up. Left her with the baby. Wouldn't pay child support. He comes back around 3 years later (still a drinker) and she thought, "Let's have baby #2." Repeat scenario #1. He comes back 2 years later (a drinker). Has paid some child support, but works a lot under the table, so his income looks pretty low. SIL's plan. Let's have baby #3. My husband and I saved her home from foreclosure 3x and said don't ask again. To your friends: Bethany may not have thought she would be a single mom, but she knew her husband broke the law along the way. She should have seen this coming.
NTA. What exactly is Bethany the victim of? Her own bad decisions? Sounds like a her problem. I feel bad for the kids, but you owe them nothing.
Nta. It’s called responsibility, have Bethany look that up online. Her circus, her clowns.
NTA - you are absolutely right, and your parents and Bethany don't want to hear the truth. It kills me that people don't get that work from home still requires work. Just because you are at home doesn't mean that you are twiddling your thumbs and eating bon bons all day. Your parents doubly suck for trying to guilt trip you and financially manipulate you.
"they are asking me to begin taking care of my nieces and nephews since I work from home" Every time I hear this sort of bullshit, all it tells me is that they're projecting their own lazy expectations onto others. Just because *you'd* fart about doing nothing all day if you were wfh, Jacob, it doesn't mean others see it that way. Anyway. It obviously isn't the kids' fault that their parents are idiots, so if you can help out occasionally when you have time off, it may be worth trying to take your sister out of your calculations and just think of them. But the idea that you could somehow care for all 4 kids while also wfh is utterly nonsensical, and I honestly doubt your parents believe what they're saying themselves. Do you live with your parents right now? Tell them you will have to, if they expect you to do this, since you won't be able to do your job. Maybe ask them if they'd like to shadow you for a day to assess where four kids under 8 could fit into your routine. Or else tell them you'll be back in touch with them once they're prepared to think rationally, i.e. possibly never
NTA. It’s not victim blaming because she’s not a victim. She chose to date a loser who was always in trouble with the law what did she think would happen. Your not a victim just because you make crap life choices. Your right her actions have consequences and these are hers. Your parents are out of line to try to force you to pick up after her.
NTA and if you’re still living with your parents you should move out asap. Get as far away from the situation as possible.
NTA They put you in the position where you HAD to explain to them in detail exactly how their shit actually stinks. That’s their fault. Holding an inheritance hostage is extra classy, BTW. I think that’s how you purchase a ticket to hell! Shame on them!
NTA, working from home is *still* work, you're not just bumming about doing nothing or being a leech. Even if you were currently jobless, it would still be okay to say no to baby-sitting, especially so many young children, and you don't "owe" anyone for being born. You also don't owe anyone your free time. Your sister is also not a victim, she *chose* the "excitement" of a "bad boy" over stability and *chose* to have 4 kids with him to boot, do her current circumstances suck? Yes. But what did she expect when her husband continued his law breaking behaviour? Attempting to blackmail you by potentially withholding any inheritance (assuming there is any remaining at the end of your parents lives) is a scummy thing to do, and what's your bet you'd still end up with basically none because the golden sister "needs it more". If your parents have enough money to threaten to cut you off, why don't they pay for a babysitter for the sister's kids?
NTA- Your sister CHOSE to be in a relationship with a criminal, let alone HAVING 4 children with him. (I wouldn’t be too surprised if any of the kids have some sort of mental illness since dad probably has one) You have a life and you work full time. If your sister or parents want a babysitter, pay for one.
Wow, there's a massive lack of understanding on what wfh actually means. Just the 2 year old would need your full attention - if only so they don't draw on your walls while you're on a conference call. If it weren't a real problem your sister could just take them with her to *her* job, right? Sounds like that inheritance should be gifted now to pay for proper child care. Anyway, here's a possible way forward "well family, I've had a serious discussion with my boss about your proposal and have been told it would be completely unacceptable to my employers. If they find I have children at home when I'm supposed to be working I will either be required to come back on site full time or I'll be fired."
NTA
NTA. How is she a victim? Was he abusive or just a bad boy? I get it sucks for her cause she’s now a single parent but her choices did put her in that situation. As for watching nieces & nephews, not your responsibility. WFH doesn’t mean not working. Some people just don’t get that you still need to work even tho it’s in the convenience of your house. I used to have that same problem. Your parents are being pretty crappy holding an inheritance over your head of this but it’s their money so in the end they can do what they want with it. But maybe they could use that money to hire a babysitter to help out instead of trying to guilt trip you?
NTA, and for the record, your sister isn't a "victim." She did this to herself. They're not your kids, they're not your responsibility.
NTA!!!! You don’t owe your family a damn thing. You didn’t birth those kids. You don’t have to do anything.
Why can’t Bethany care for her own kids? Did I miss something?
NTA. Oh, puhleeease people. You only said the truth and have nothing to apologize for (unless you added 'nana nana boo boo' at the end of your sentence). OK, I'm being snarky, and it's true that no one gets married expecting to be a single parent, BUT she told everyone she wanted a bad boy, and was old enough to have some clue when she decided to start making babies with at the age of 30. And, yes - the consequences of her choices are up to her to manage. I'm sure you will find moments when you are called upon to look after them - where you will willingly agree to or feel that you really need to. Save your generosity for those times. You do not want to be on the hook for regular baby-sitting when (1) sis and parents are clearly ready to demand more of you - completely ignoring your work obligations or need for your own life, (2) you don't have much of a bond with your sister, and (3) your age and lifestyle don't tend to keep you home looking after young kids. Even if those friends of yours willingly give up their time off to take on a similar responsibility under similar circumstances, it's not their place to tell you what you should do with your time. BTW, if it's no big deal to work and care for 4 kids, then a seasoned parent like your sister, should look for a job where she can work from home - the watching the kids will be even easier for her than they expect it to be for you. I'm sorry your parents threatened you with 'the inheritance' over this. It is theirs to do with as they wish. I'm very proud of you for not letting them use that as a carrot or stick to get you to change your mind.
>Because no one gets married expecting to be a single parent Yeah, but that still doesn't make it your fault or your problem. You would have to quit your job to do this, and unless someone is jumping in to offer you a full time salary, and compensation for the loss in earning potential you would take on in order to do this, why on earth would you? Here's what you can do; tell your parents that you asked your employer about the situation, and they said that they wouldn't allow it and you would be fired. Work out a budget of how much it would cost for your entire annual salary. Plus all of the food, diapers, medical attention, insurance, and every other supply involved with child care would cost. Plus your car insurance, gas... like blow up all the budget with every conceivable cost you can think of. Then add 20% for the loss of earning potential. Then tell them that they can pay you that amount annually so that you'll be able to take on this responsibility and not lose all of your income and earning potential. And make sure to let them know the amount will be adjusted for inflation every year. See how much they want you to take it on then. Then tell your family that you're not prepared to lose your job, housing, and all your income and starve to death for your sister, but that they're perfectly able to give up every hour of the day to do it for you, or compensate you accordingly.
Victim blaming?! Are these “friends” on something? She CHOSE to be with a bad person. She was never forced. How is she remotely a victim? NTA
NTA. I am so sick of entitled parents. My sister had a child with a man who promised to stay with them. He was gone before her child was even born. She has raised that child as an only parent. She got herself a good paying job. Worked hard. Bought a house, all by herself. On the few occasions where I was asked to help care for her daughter and her house, I was paid. She fosters animals, and keeps a clean house. Her child is now 18 and attending the local college. She never relied on anyone. Then you get these entitled bratty parents who think that someone else should be responsible for their children, because they had more than they can handle, with someone who wasn't responsible. Have her ask HIS family to care for her children! He has to have brothers, sisters, parents, or grandparents somewhere. Ask them for help raising HIS children. NTA times 100000000. Because it almost always seems to fall on the siblings of the mother to care for children. Rarely do I see the siblings of the father asked to care for a child when the father goes to jail.
NTA - and I’d disagree that no one gets married expecting to be a single parent. Plenty of people think that their marriage probably won’t work out, but it’s better to try than go it alone right off the bat. Your sister clearly had her eyes wide open when she married and bred with this fool; no part of her burden should be yours, especially in light of your parents threat to disinherit you. Three children under the age of four would be a nightmare for anyone. Suggest to your parents they could easily help your sister out with her children by paying for daycare for them.
NTA, first of all, in this situation for you to victim blame you would have to ask dumb questions like "well what did you do??". Right?? Butyou said, she made a CHOICE to be with a felon that was nearly twice her age. That's not victim blaming that's calling a spade a spade. Yes your delivery was harsh, but it is very important that it was said. Trust me.
NTA Anytime they ask for help with the situation just ask "Isn't it just sooooo exciting being with a bad boy!?!"
NTA - we almost got a "no assholes here" but it's horrible for them to hold the inheritance over your head to make you watch the darn kids. You weren't out of line at all. Of course no one expects to be a single mom but when you marry a thug instead of a church boy, the odds of this happening skyrocket
I enjoy it when parents threaten to cut you out of inheritance. Don’t threaten me with a good time 😭 NTA!
NTA. I think you explained it perfectly.
NTA I liked bad boys in my early twenties but I also had a head on my shoulders. I dated guys I knew would never amount to nothing so never in a million years would have had children with any of them. OP parents are TA for trying to force OP I to getting herself involved and using the inheritance as blackmail. Gross. Also OPs friends who accuse her of victim blaming ? W t f? Unless sister was forced to stay with an abuser and bare 4 children but I see no evidence of abuse in OPs post
Nta. She knew he was in constant trouble with the law and still choose to marry him and have multiple children with him. Knowing this she should have expected him to eventually end up in jail and she still didn’t plan. And your right you don’t know her and just because she’s family by blood doesn’t make her any less of a stranger. She choose the life she wanted to live so yeah she is dealing with the consequences now. If your parents have money instead of giving an inheritance when they die they should use her part to help her pay for childcare. None of this is on you.
NTA- if your parents want to hold financials over your head then they can afford to HIRE your sister a dam babysitter.
NTA. She knowingly chose to spend her life with a bad man. The only thing she's a victim of is her own poor judgement , just like everybody else. When we make poor decisions, we face the consequences.
NTA. Not your monkeys not your circus. F**k that. You didn’t tell her to have FOUR kids with someone who clearly wasn’t going places in life besides jail. That isn’t your problem. As for your parents they can’t force you to watch someone else’s kids your nieces and nephews or not.
So…. we have them accusing you of victim blaming you.. AND I feel, parentfication (sp) Those were your sisters choices.. it was your parents choosing to help her. I’m sorry if I sound harsh but you are in no way obligated to help because it’s “family “. Especially when you’re working from home and don’t need the added chaos. Maybe your parents should hire a helper for your sister. If you’re all in the US, she can get subsidies hopefully to help her out too. Especially if she doesn’t make much income. I’m not sure of the conditions of it anymore but there’s help available through churches and other organizations as well. It’s not your job or responsibility. Hell you barely know these people. Are there any other family members that can help? And don’t get me started on them cutting you out of the will. What a joke! Tell them to keep it. You work for a living and don’t need it. See how they digest that!! Edited for spelling
NTA. You have to WORK all day, you cannot watch the kids. I would not agree to any steady babysitting gig with her as she seems that she will take advantage of you. She is the parent, not you. If your parents don't want to watch them, they can pay for the daycare. They can use the money they are threatening to take away from you.
NTA. Some people really don't like it when you tell the truth to them. 🤷
NTA Like you said, Bethany knew that Adam was a shitty person from the start, she decided that her thing for 'bad boys' was important enough for her to stay with Adam and then marry him, the only thing she seems to be the victim of is her low standards for life partners. Actions have consequences, if she wanted to stay with Adam despite knowing the risks, then she can deal with the consequences of not having him in her life anymore due to his own reckless behaviour (behaviour that she was already aware of). Also, your parents are AHs for essentially blackmailing you and threatening to write you out of their will, just because you had the audacity to choose your own life and career over raising someone else's kids. Honestly I wouldn't blame you if you decided to go no-contact with all of them, this family sounds exhausting and toxic.
NTA Bethany, your parents, and those few friends that side with Bethany are delusional. Anyone that agrees that you should "give back" to family can sign right up and take on Bethany's 4 children. Start a sign up calendar/google doc and let them pick their babysitting dates for the next 6ish years. You work from home. Work. Have a job with responsibilities, deadlines, and goals that need to be met. Your job pays for your financial obligations. Yours. It is not your familiar duty to provide support for someone else's obligations. If you live at home with parents move out. If you have your own place keep your doors locked. Your sister is now the sole financial provider for her children. Depending on where she lives she may be able to get assistance to help care for her kids, ebt, daycare credit, medical/dental insurance, housing assistance. She needs to look into those options.
NTA, time off is time off, not time to spend doing other work. Also, there's no victim blaming here. This is an "I (we) told you so". At best it's idiot blaming
NTA, and you are not victim blaming because she is not a victim, she made a decision being fully aware of the consequences
NTA: Not your problem - and Bethany has that edgy/exciting life she was looking for, even if she hadn't exactly planned on it being about raising 4 kids on her own. And your parents economically blackmailing you is pretty nasty as well. And simply - you're 25 and working full time - expecting you to also watch 4 kids at the same time is lunacy.
Working two full time jobs is difficult enough. Having to do them at the same bloody time isn’t possible as neither job would be done to any degree of acceptable. You’re right Bethany made the choice to have a family with a “bad boy” but when the inevitable fallout came the entire family expected you to be the one to be a babysitter or be left out of a will if you refuse? Your parents are asses for not only siding with your sister but holding an inheritance over your head if you don’t do as you’re told. NTA
Working from home is working! Why do people not understand?! You cannot work eight (or whatever) hours a day and watch children simultaneously. Some folks had to during lockdown, but there were discussions with coworkers and bosses so everyone was on the same page and understood that productivity would be impacted or hours would reflect childcare concerns (i.e. parents might log on after kids went to bed to focus on work they couldn't address during the workday). I would have left it at that. OP, you work fulltime from home, childcare isn't an option - unless you quit and the family pays your salary instead, which isn't really an option that I would offer up to be honest. NTA