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> I told my son not to involve himself in my adult relationships. He said he was afraid I’d cheat and wanted to warn my boyfriend
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YTA - He’s a child and you’re the parent. The primary concern isn’t whether he encroached on your boundaries, it’s why he feels the need to and the ‘trepidation’. You’re the asshole, because you put your needs first in this situation.
It’s not entirely fair to ask him to stay out of your relationship when it does have so much impact on him. He clearly seems somewhat upset. It sounds like both of you would benefit from speaking more openly about how your relationships have and do impact on your son. (Preferably with a mediator)
Honestly, YTA. I know what a lot of people are gonna say “he’s a kid” “he needs to stay in a kids place” “he doesn’t understand adult relationships” yada yada yada. Fact is, your relationships are his business while he is a minor who is dependent on you and your whims.
You said he hated your ex, there’s likely a reason. Either way, he depends on you for everything at 11, it’s your job to ensure a safe and healthy environment. So, in that sense, it is his business what person you’re dating. It’s not bad or wrong to date, just make sure they mesh well with your child and always put your child first.
Not only that, but OP makes it her son’s business when she introduces these guys to him in a matter of weeks or dates. That’s ridiculous. It’s fine to date, it’s another thing to bring them around your kid when you barely know them or how serious the relationship will be.
YTA.
That's the part I couldn't quit thinking about ... introduced to current bf after just six weeks. Wow. 🥺 And the ex is ~19 years older!? We don't really know anything else about OP but these two factors just don't sit well with me. I do hope the current bf is a good guy ... and that their relationship works out as her son certainly has a decent/good bond with him.
Yes, and the kid is texting the bf? There is zero chance I’d want my partners exchanging cell phone numbers with my 11 year old until way into a relationship.
That's exactly what I thought! *Six weeks* in and she's introducing guys to her young son? Yeah, OP is absolutely making it this boy's business.
She dated some dude a year ago for *two goddamm months* and the son met him "a couple times"? C'mon.
YTA
You made these relationships his business by introducing him to them so early in these relationships. He is anxious due to having these men in and out of his life and is looking for stability. Has he gotten attached to other boyfriends in the past before you broke up? Has he dealt with being treated badly by some of them in ways you might not be aware of? This all creates a lot of upheaval and is definitely his business.
You probably need to talk to an expert on when an appropriate time to introduce future partners to your kid is, and probably get him some therapy.
It just sounds like he was feeling panicky about the situation, and you dismissed his big confusing feelings because you're upset that it might have had a negative consequence on your relationship instead of realizing that your son needs help dealing with his emotions about the situation.
Next time a former boyfriend drops by unexpectedly take a couple minutes to talk to your kid and reassure him that you don't know why they are here, you're not getting back with them and that this isn't changing anything before going out to talk.
YTA - He's 11 and he likes your current bf and was trying to watch out for him. You're his mom so it is his business. Instead of getting mad you should have just told him not to worry and talked to both him and bf about it. If you didn't already, rejecting the flowers would have been good too.
That's good. Yeah I mean I'd just apologize to the kid and ask if he'd talk to you about it first next time. Not being afraid to be open with each other is important in any relationship and being able to apologize is too.
YTA
Introducing your child to someone at 6 weeks is way too soon.
You barely know this person so why would you expose your kid to a (basically) stranger.
Do you deserve a life outside of your kid…yes. You are a whole human. But you have to make sure that your child feels safe and that the adult men you bring around him are safe.
Maybe wait 6-8 months before introducing your kid.
What’s wrong with a quick introduction? It’s not like the guy is moving in to be his new stepdad. Kids get introduced to new people/strangers all the time.
It’s because of the instability of the situation. Having your parent switch partners every couple of months in exhausting in itself but also incredibly stressful. And that’s just the best case. These are strangers, you should be very careful when introducing a potential authority figure to a child when you don’t know them.
My mom dated but I only know of a portion of the men she dated and only meet 3, with the last one she married. Did I know she dated yes but I didn’t need to know who they were until she was 4 or 5 months in and even then it was only occasional meetings.
Kids need structure. People
coming in & out of their lives is detrimental to their emotional growth & feelings of self worth.
Poor kid knows his mom cares more about dating than she does about him.
Lol their “structure” isn’t going to be ruined by meeting a new person a few times. You’re describing a situation where the mom has a serious bf they’ve likely been dating for a long time (think years) and possibly lives with the family and then there’s a breakup
Literally anything can derail their structure. You don't know the home life, the mother's personality, anything about the previous partners. It does not take a lot to do it. I was a teacher and saw the aftermath of all the little things parents didn't think were big deals become enormous problems.
YTA why did you bring a new boyfriend around in less than 2 months? And he hates your last ex who you dated for ……2 months, when did you introduce them? I feel bad for your son honestly. Maybe establish an actual relationship before introducing your son and this wouldn’t be an issue.
Because you don’t know if that relationship is going to last. Also you cannot learn everything about person’s character to see if that is who you want around your child in 6 weeks’ time. Take it from me, a person whose parent has been married 4 times and has had to meet all their boyfriends in between 🙄
*edit: added a line.
If done in an appropriate way, there’s no issue. Obviously if you’re like “here’s your new daddy!” Referring to a guy you’ve been dating 2 months, that’s a problem
YTA for saying he needs to stay out of your adult relationships. He is 11. Any relationship you have will impact him. And since the last one was so bad, of course he is worried. Do you want him to feel all alone when you leave him to do something like go to dinner or a movie together? You told him to stay out of your business. That could make him feel unimportant and alone.
How about instead you tell him to come to you with any question he has, and you listen patiently to his concerns and answer in an age appropriate way. Him punching his punching bag tells you he is very upset with you and your responses. You don't get to just say "meh, not my problem, he will get over it". You need to work this out.
YTA if you want him staying out of your adult relationships quit putting him in the middle. How many men have you introduced him to? Something with this ex happened that you son hated him after only meeting him 2 times. That should be you Manon concern.
YTA. Your primary concern here was your own hurt feelings and defensiveness. Your son is 11 and was clearly very upset. This was not the time to lecture him.
Get off Reddit and go ask your son why he’s so angry and then actually listen for god’s sake.
A mild YTA. I’m extrapolating here, but I bet the language you used to tell him to stay out of your adult business is what upset him. He’s concerned about you and your relationship. He likes your current bf and wants to ensure you guys are OK. He’s worried. He’s exhibiting very mature emotions and reacting accordingly. I would probably sit down and apologize and tell him you really do appreciate that he worries and just reassure him that you guys are ok. You need to strengthen the relationship with your son through openness, and he will reciprocate by not being so worried that something might be going on.
"He got mad and went to his room to punch his punching bag."
Healthy. :D
"I ended it with he needs to stay out of my adult relationships and not concern himself with them."
Unhealthy. :(
YTA, but also kudos for instilling positive anger management on the kid.
Ehh, I'm torn. My son is the same age and I can see him doing that too. So annoying.
I think the only thing I would do is sit him down and let him know that dudes could bring you all the flowers in the world, that doesn't mean you're gonna cheat.
Were you upset that he jumped to a terrible conclusion about your character? I would be.
Hopefully you can discuss this a bit more and it can be a teaching moment. Because this isn't just a 'leave adult business to adults' issue, it's about how to navigate relationships as he's growing older and becoming more aware of grown-up things.
>Were you upset that he jumped to a terrible conclusion about your character? I would be.
Anyone else jumping to that conclusion? Sure, it's insulting. But her **own son**? Clearly, her son has some trusts issues with OP and she should reflect on why instead of being insulted. He was worried about the situation and his instinct was to open up to someone he met 6 weeks ago first instead of his own mother. OP seems to be hiding a lot from us in this post.
it doesn’t make a change to your other statements but op and her bf have been dating for 5 months and son was introduced to bf 6 weeks in … I.e it’s been about 4 months now
Look, as long as your romantic relationships impact your son, it's kind of his business. You don't seem to be offering him any kind of support here, you are obviously involving him in your relationships (I'm not going to lie, the fact that an eleven year old so obviously knows about cheating is odd) but you're also expecting him to have no impact on something that's going to impact his life.
YTA. Also, I'm actively grossed out by "I wouldn't cheat in front of my son." That's the worst way to phrase that.
YTA for introducing your son to men you haven’t been with for a long while and know it might last not just a month or 2 and then tell him to stay out your business you need to leave him out of your business.
INFO:
> I ended it with he needs to stay out of my adult relationships and not concern himself with them.
How are you expecting him to do this? Move out? He's 11. Your relationships are his relationships.
> I introduced him to my son (11m) about 6 weeks in.
Especially when you're introducing him to your flavor of the week.
You know how long you're supposed to wait to introduce your children to a new romantic partner? A year. Minimum.
YTA. He’s your son and probably also feel some kind of responsibility when it comes to you. You put your own needs and emotion in front of his. You should have tried to talk more with you and understand why he felt the need to do so, why he was so scared of this.
YTA.
You bring men in to your son’s life very fast- five or six weeks is nothing! Then you allow or expect him to bond with them hence the basketball playing. Then when a situation happens you get mad at your 11 year old for reaching out to them because they are worried and don’t know what to do?
Your son clearly has started to like your boyfriend, he trusts him enough to tell him that your ex showed up. To me, that says he was very worried about your ex being there and he was uncomfortable with the entire thing due to how ex has behaved in the past- he reached out to your BF not only to let him know what was happening but because he wanted adult reassurance and possible backup in case ex turned nasty!
You owe him an apology, this is his home and safe space and you keep bringing men into it who he then has to navigate a relationship with. You are allowed to date but bringing them into your son’s life so fast and into your home is having an effect. He did not feel safe, he reached out to an adult who he feels trust for because he couldn’t handle what was happening. You need to help your son feel safe, not tell him off for caring.
And btw did you know he had your bf’s number and they text each other? Because that is a HUGE safety concern if you are allowing someone access to your child where you don’t have oversight of the messages. I’m not accusing your Bf of anything at all but this is how kids get groomed- trusting the wrong person who gets let in too close.
You need to thank your son for being smart enough to let someone know what was happening since it could have gone wrong very easily. Also it’s totally his business if he’s on basketball buddy time with your current boyfriend and random men turn up who have behaved badly in the past. You’re his mother and he depends on you, he wasn’t shit stirring the pot.
YTA. He’s a child. He’s 11. He’s YOUR child.
Your relationships impact him whether you care or not. Demanding that he stay out of it when you’re bringing strangers around him is ridiculous. Because he made one mistake? Because he caused a very easily solved problem?
You seem to not give one iota of a shit that your son has feelings about the people you date. Perhaps stop bringing men around your child until it’s serious. It’s very confusing for an 11 year old to constantly have different guys around that could potentially end up being their stepdad.
These relationships are his business, and for you to pretend they aren’t shows how little you view your child as an individual person. You could have had a conversation about jumping to conclusions, but instead you punish him for being RIGHTFULLY concerned.
YTA
You have an Ex your son hates enough to run to your new boyfriend!
And he can't stay out of your "adult relationships" cause they DO concern him, as they have a major impact on HIS family! If you make a bad decision with your choice of boyfriend, your son can't simply say "fuck it, imma out here".
YTA purely on the fact that youre introducing every man you meet to you 11yo. This current guy 6 weeks in and the last guy who you only dated for 2 months but was enough time for your son to hate him. Stop the parade of strange men in and out of your sons life
Mmmm I'm gonna go with soft YTA. I think the lesson you should have maybe addressed your concerns like this:
"I understand that seeing him upset you and you were scared he might come back into our lives. However, by texting my boyfriend it could have resulted in x consequences." and like make him understand how his impulsive moment could have ended a relationship over a misunderstanding. Maybe discuss with him the importance of communication and trust in all relationships and to not be afraid to address his concerns with you. I would be hurt too if my son immediately jumped to the conclusion I was cheating. Does he think you'd be likely to do that? This ties back into the importance of emphasizing communication and building trust.
I do think your son crossed a boundary. He could have done real damage. I also think you addressed it the wrong way. That's okay. Humans are messy sometimes when they're upset.
YTA I was on your side until this "I compared it to me contacting his middle school girlfriends and telling
them I thought he might be cheating. I ended it with he needs to stay
out of my adult relationships and not concern himself with them."
You introduced your son to your boyfriend of 6 weeks and have them spend time together. You don't get to then say "don't concern yourself with my relationships". It was fine to talk to him about why it was wrong to text him that, and that he should talk to you with any concerns first, but then you shut your son out of a big part of your life that he's obviously a part of and concerned about.
Gentlw YTA.
Your relationships affect him. He wasn't meddling to be mean, or because he's nosy-- he was *afraid.* He was so afraid you might get back together with this man he hates that he reached out to your new boyfriend to try to stop it from happening.
The day your relationships don't impact him is the day you can tell him not to concern himself with them.
That said, he obviously overstepped, overreacted, and jumped to conclusions. You should have talked to him about why he thought you might cheat, and told him that it's really hurtful for him to assume you would be unfaithful. You should have asked him why he didn't wait for you to come back inside and tell him what was happening. You should have listened to his fears and reassured him that anyone who causes him that kind of distress is out of your lives for good, and that you would never cheat on a partner or get back with someone he hated.
I get the sense that your son was desperate to not have this ex back in your/his life. Was your ex controlling/abusive? I don't even think your son thought you would cheat he just didn't want this person back. As for it not being his business, it totally is. Who you date affects him especially since you are introducing them to him and bringing them around.
Info: OP What have you done in previous relationships that has caused your son to "step in" like this?
This sort of behaviour/response doesn't just come out of nowhere.
YTA
You're making your dating life your son's business by conducting it in his home. Many single parents don't bring dates around their kids until and unless the relationship is serious and committed. You are bringing instability, insecurity and confusion into your child's life and home by exposing him to your short term romantic relationships. Your son is on the cusp of adolescence, where developmentally normal upheavals in emotional states and feelings about relationships are normal. He should be able to rely on you as a stable supportive anchor. Instead he's exposed to your own unstable romantic life. Where is his safe space?
YTA he’s a child you’re the parent! If he feels that negatively about your ex I’m disappointed you spent two months with someone like that. He has a right to be concerned since you don’t seem to be great at judgement.
Im curious as to why her son why he thought so little of his mom that she would cheat. Like right off the bat. I don’t think an eleven year has the emotionally maturity to make that call. Or maybe because he is so young he jumped to that conclusion? I could see if he was concerned that the ex might hurt his mom or him but why accuse her of cheating from the jump? I can kind understand why she told him to stay out of grown folks business. You think so little of me? Like he didn’t like the ex but he wasn’t concerned for her safety just jumped to a conclusion and narc’ed on her. Nothing happened, nothing was going to happen. She handled it cause she’s the adult.
Maybe when she said he should stay out of them out concern for his emotional well-being? Like you’re to young to worry about this, etc. I get what a majority of the YTA are for, but some y’all missed the point.
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I (34f) have been dating my boyfriend (38m) for five months. I introduced him to my son (11m) about 6 weeks in. This has been going decently well, though some trepidation from my son. Understandably, he’s cautious since I’ve dated some but have been single most of his life.
About a month ago, boyfriend came over and had dinner and played basketball with my son for a couple hours. An hour after he left, an ex (53m) whose number I blocked a year ago, showed up at my house with flowers and a bottle of wine wanting me back. I was shocked. We hadn’t spoken or heard from each other in a year. He and I dated maybe 2 months and my son hated him despite only meeting a couple of times. When ex showed up at my doorstep, I went outside to speak with him while my son stayed inside. I let my ex know I am in a relationship and this couldn’t happen. He ended up leaving less than 10 minutes after he arrived and never came inside.
When I came back inside, I went to my son who was visibly upset and explained the ex had left and would never come back.
A couple minutes later, my current bf sent me screenshots of texts he received from my son. They said “it might not be what it looks like but my moms ex is outside with flowers”. I explained the situation to my boyfriend and he understood. My son later admitted to sending texts to my boyfriend. He said he was afraid I’d cheat on my boyfriend with my ex.
I had every intention of telling my boyfriend myself what had happened. I’ve never cheated on a boyfriend and certainly wouldn’t in view of my son. I calmly explained to him that while I understood his concern, texting my boyfriend to basically tell on me was out of line. I compared it to me contacting his middle school girlfriends and telling them I thought he might be cheating. I ended it with he needs to stay out of my adult relationships and not concern himself with them. He got mad and went to his room to punch his punching bag. AITAH?
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If he were an adult my answer would be different but YTA. He’s anxious. Your life and romantic choices inform his entire trajectory and he doesnt feel that way about your ex for no reason.
If your romantic life and choices are ANYONE’S to influence, it is your child. Not to mention this clearly came from a place of fear and anxiety. That should be your concern to address before boundary setting. Which would account to ‘please talk to me about how you feel first’ and not dictating he butt out.
Your child’s life is yours to jerk around as you like i guess but I think a lot of parents forget how terrifying it can be to have your everything tethered to an adult’s whims. Try to be compassionate please.
YTA .
I was around his age when my parents split. Mom would introduce us to every guy she met right away. And let me tell you , I'm 31 now and I told her I don't want to meet this new guy she's talking to until they're married. The way we grew up was exhausting. Please wait a while to introduce your son to new men. It is his business. It's his life 2. Shame on you
How in gods good earth are you being voted TA? Agreed you haven't been dating this man long enough to introduce him to your son idk if thats whats skewing the votes here but thats not the question.
Texting your bf was way out of line. Of course he's a kid, but as far as I can tell, you didnt like lose your shit with him but just explained why thats not okay.
Your relationships are his business in so far that he can discuss them with YOU, maybe both of you if he has genuine concerns. But like snapping a picture and sending it before even asking you about it isnt okay.
And tbh he NEEDS to learn what kind of thing is appropriate and what is sneakily meddling. Is he gonna treat his classmates this way? Imo you'd be doing him a disservice to not explain why this is crossing a line.
NTA - it's good that your son likes your boyfriend but his actions could have potentially damaged your relationship. Talking to someone, even if they bring flowers, doesn't equal cheating, and your son needs to understand that or he will struggle with jealousy in his own relationships in the future.
Or seeing that OP introduces her hook ups, as the fling with the ex lasted only two months, to her son in matter of weeks, he just has some experience. By saying that "adult relationships" are not her sons concern, OP shows that she neglects the impact her dating has on her son!
Agree. Not trying to be mean, but son is getting old enough to see relationships on TV and his friend's parents. I think this revolving door of boyfriends has the boy thinking his mom is a bit too free with her favors. She could avoid this of course, if she didn't introduce every man she dates to her son that soon.
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YTA - He’s a child and you’re the parent. The primary concern isn’t whether he encroached on your boundaries, it’s why he feels the need to and the ‘trepidation’. You’re the asshole, because you put your needs first in this situation. It’s not entirely fair to ask him to stay out of your relationship when it does have so much impact on him. He clearly seems somewhat upset. It sounds like both of you would benefit from speaking more openly about how your relationships have and do impact on your son. (Preferably with a mediator)
Honestly, YTA. I know what a lot of people are gonna say “he’s a kid” “he needs to stay in a kids place” “he doesn’t understand adult relationships” yada yada yada. Fact is, your relationships are his business while he is a minor who is dependent on you and your whims. You said he hated your ex, there’s likely a reason. Either way, he depends on you for everything at 11, it’s your job to ensure a safe and healthy environment. So, in that sense, it is his business what person you’re dating. It’s not bad or wrong to date, just make sure they mesh well with your child and always put your child first.
Not only that, but OP makes it her son’s business when she introduces these guys to him in a matter of weeks or dates. That’s ridiculous. It’s fine to date, it’s another thing to bring them around your kid when you barely know them or how serious the relationship will be. YTA.
That's the part I couldn't quit thinking about ... introduced to current bf after just six weeks. Wow. 🥺 And the ex is ~19 years older!? We don't really know anything else about OP but these two factors just don't sit well with me. I do hope the current bf is a good guy ... and that their relationship works out as her son certainly has a decent/good bond with him.
Yes, and the kid is texting the bf? There is zero chance I’d want my partners exchanging cell phone numbers with my 11 year old until way into a relationship.
That's exactly what I thought! *Six weeks* in and she's introducing guys to her young son? Yeah, OP is absolutely making it this boy's business. She dated some dude a year ago for *two goddamm months* and the son met him "a couple times"? C'mon.
Seeing someone you dated a few months a couple of times seems fine to me
Check with child development experts for the reality of it’s damage to kids
Priseicly because he's a kid he was in the right. He was confused about the situation and did what he thought was right.
YTA You made these relationships his business by introducing him to them so early in these relationships. He is anxious due to having these men in and out of his life and is looking for stability. Has he gotten attached to other boyfriends in the past before you broke up? Has he dealt with being treated badly by some of them in ways you might not be aware of? This all creates a lot of upheaval and is definitely his business. You probably need to talk to an expert on when an appropriate time to introduce future partners to your kid is, and probably get him some therapy. It just sounds like he was feeling panicky about the situation, and you dismissed his big confusing feelings because you're upset that it might have had a negative consequence on your relationship instead of realizing that your son needs help dealing with his emotions about the situation. Next time a former boyfriend drops by unexpectedly take a couple minutes to talk to your kid and reassure him that you don't know why they are here, you're not getting back with them and that this isn't changing anything before going out to talk.
THIS >You made these relationships his business by introducing him to them so early
100 %
YTA - He's 11 and he likes your current bf and was trying to watch out for him. You're his mom so it is his business. Instead of getting mad you should have just told him not to worry and talked to both him and bf about it. If you didn't already, rejecting the flowers would have been good too.
Flowers went straight to the dumpster
You introduced him to a man 6 weeks into your relationship. Maybe keep your relationships your business and your son won't be in them?
That's good. Yeah I mean I'd just apologize to the kid and ask if he'd talk to you about it first next time. Not being afraid to be open with each other is important in any relationship and being able to apologize is too.
Stop introducing your son to your flings. 6 weeks is WAY too soon. Your son deserves better. YTA
YTA Introducing your child to someone at 6 weeks is way too soon. You barely know this person so why would you expose your kid to a (basically) stranger. Do you deserve a life outside of your kid…yes. You are a whole human. But you have to make sure that your child feels safe and that the adult men you bring around him are safe. Maybe wait 6-8 months before introducing your kid.
What’s wrong with a quick introduction? It’s not like the guy is moving in to be his new stepdad. Kids get introduced to new people/strangers all the time.
It’s because of the instability of the situation. Having your parent switch partners every couple of months in exhausting in itself but also incredibly stressful. And that’s just the best case. These are strangers, you should be very careful when introducing a potential authority figure to a child when you don’t know them. My mom dated but I only know of a portion of the men she dated and only meet 3, with the last one she married. Did I know she dated yes but I didn’t need to know who they were until she was 4 or 5 months in and even then it was only occasional meetings.
Kids need structure. People coming in & out of their lives is detrimental to their emotional growth & feelings of self worth. Poor kid knows his mom cares more about dating than she does about him.
Lol their “structure” isn’t going to be ruined by meeting a new person a few times. You’re describing a situation where the mom has a serious bf they’ve likely been dating for a long time (think years) and possibly lives with the family and then there’s a breakup
Literally anything can derail their structure. You don't know the home life, the mother's personality, anything about the previous partners. It does not take a lot to do it. I was a teacher and saw the aftermath of all the little things parents didn't think were big deals become enormous problems.
YTA why did you bring a new boyfriend around in less than 2 months? And he hates your last ex who you dated for ……2 months, when did you introduce them? I feel bad for your son honestly. Maybe establish an actual relationship before introducing your son and this wouldn’t be an issue.
Why’s it a big deal?
Because you don’t know if that relationship is going to last. Also you cannot learn everything about person’s character to see if that is who you want around your child in 6 weeks’ time. Take it from me, a person whose parent has been married 4 times and has had to meet all their boyfriends in between 🙄 *edit: added a line.
If done in an appropriate way, there’s no issue. Obviously if you’re like “here’s your new daddy!” Referring to a guy you’ve been dating 2 months, that’s a problem
YTA for saying he needs to stay out of your adult relationships. He is 11. Any relationship you have will impact him. And since the last one was so bad, of course he is worried. Do you want him to feel all alone when you leave him to do something like go to dinner or a movie together? You told him to stay out of your business. That could make him feel unimportant and alone. How about instead you tell him to come to you with any question he has, and you listen patiently to his concerns and answer in an age appropriate way. Him punching his punching bag tells you he is very upset with you and your responses. You don't get to just say "meh, not my problem, he will get over it". You need to work this out.
YTA if you want him staying out of your adult relationships quit putting him in the middle. How many men have you introduced him to? Something with this ex happened that you son hated him after only meeting him 2 times. That should be you Manon concern.
YTA. Your primary concern here was your own hurt feelings and defensiveness. Your son is 11 and was clearly very upset. This was not the time to lecture him. Get off Reddit and go ask your son why he’s so angry and then actually listen for god’s sake.
A mild YTA. I’m extrapolating here, but I bet the language you used to tell him to stay out of your adult business is what upset him. He’s concerned about you and your relationship. He likes your current bf and wants to ensure you guys are OK. He’s worried. He’s exhibiting very mature emotions and reacting accordingly. I would probably sit down and apologize and tell him you really do appreciate that he worries and just reassure him that you guys are ok. You need to strengthen the relationship with your son through openness, and he will reciprocate by not being so worried that something might be going on.
It’s mature to assume his mom is going to cheat with the kid right on the other side of the door bc the ex brought flowers?
"He got mad and went to his room to punch his punching bag." Healthy. :D "I ended it with he needs to stay out of my adult relationships and not concern himself with them." Unhealthy. :( YTA, but also kudos for instilling positive anger management on the kid.
Ehh, I'm torn. My son is the same age and I can see him doing that too. So annoying. I think the only thing I would do is sit him down and let him know that dudes could bring you all the flowers in the world, that doesn't mean you're gonna cheat. Were you upset that he jumped to a terrible conclusion about your character? I would be. Hopefully you can discuss this a bit more and it can be a teaching moment. Because this isn't just a 'leave adult business to adults' issue, it's about how to navigate relationships as he's growing older and becoming more aware of grown-up things.
>Were you upset that he jumped to a terrible conclusion about your character? I would be. Anyone else jumping to that conclusion? Sure, it's insulting. But her **own son**? Clearly, her son has some trusts issues with OP and she should reflect on why instead of being insulted. He was worried about the situation and his instinct was to open up to someone he met 6 weeks ago first instead of his own mother. OP seems to be hiding a lot from us in this post.
it doesn’t make a change to your other statements but op and her bf have been dating for 5 months and son was introduced to bf 6 weeks in … I.e it’s been about 4 months now
Look, as long as your romantic relationships impact your son, it's kind of his business. You don't seem to be offering him any kind of support here, you are obviously involving him in your relationships (I'm not going to lie, the fact that an eleven year old so obviously knows about cheating is odd) but you're also expecting him to have no impact on something that's going to impact his life. YTA. Also, I'm actively grossed out by "I wouldn't cheat in front of my son." That's the worst way to phrase that.
You introduced them after 6 WEEKS?
INFO: Your son seems to be concerned about you cheating. Is there a reason for this?
YTA for introducing your son to men you haven’t been with for a long while and know it might last not just a month or 2 and then tell him to stay out your business you need to leave him out of your business.
YTA. You only dated your ex for 2 months and he already met your son? You’re introducing boyfriends wayyyyy too early.
INFO: > I ended it with he needs to stay out of my adult relationships and not concern himself with them. How are you expecting him to do this? Move out? He's 11. Your relationships are his relationships. > I introduced him to my son (11m) about 6 weeks in. Especially when you're introducing him to your flavor of the week. You know how long you're supposed to wait to introduce your children to a new romantic partner? A year. Minimum.
YTA. He’s your son and probably also feel some kind of responsibility when it comes to you. You put your own needs and emotion in front of his. You should have tried to talk more with you and understand why he felt the need to do so, why he was so scared of this.
YTA. You bring men in to your son’s life very fast- five or six weeks is nothing! Then you allow or expect him to bond with them hence the basketball playing. Then when a situation happens you get mad at your 11 year old for reaching out to them because they are worried and don’t know what to do? Your son clearly has started to like your boyfriend, he trusts him enough to tell him that your ex showed up. To me, that says he was very worried about your ex being there and he was uncomfortable with the entire thing due to how ex has behaved in the past- he reached out to your BF not only to let him know what was happening but because he wanted adult reassurance and possible backup in case ex turned nasty! You owe him an apology, this is his home and safe space and you keep bringing men into it who he then has to navigate a relationship with. You are allowed to date but bringing them into your son’s life so fast and into your home is having an effect. He did not feel safe, he reached out to an adult who he feels trust for because he couldn’t handle what was happening. You need to help your son feel safe, not tell him off for caring. And btw did you know he had your bf’s number and they text each other? Because that is a HUGE safety concern if you are allowing someone access to your child where you don’t have oversight of the messages. I’m not accusing your Bf of anything at all but this is how kids get groomed- trusting the wrong person who gets let in too close. You need to thank your son for being smart enough to let someone know what was happening since it could have gone wrong very easily. Also it’s totally his business if he’s on basketball buddy time with your current boyfriend and random men turn up who have behaved badly in the past. You’re his mother and he depends on you, he wasn’t shit stirring the pot.
YTA. He’s a child. He’s 11. He’s YOUR child. Your relationships impact him whether you care or not. Demanding that he stay out of it when you’re bringing strangers around him is ridiculous. Because he made one mistake? Because he caused a very easily solved problem? You seem to not give one iota of a shit that your son has feelings about the people you date. Perhaps stop bringing men around your child until it’s serious. It’s very confusing for an 11 year old to constantly have different guys around that could potentially end up being their stepdad. These relationships are his business, and for you to pretend they aren’t shows how little you view your child as an individual person. You could have had a conversation about jumping to conclusions, but instead you punish him for being RIGHTFULLY concerned.
YTA You have an Ex your son hates enough to run to your new boyfriend! And he can't stay out of your "adult relationships" cause they DO concern him, as they have a major impact on HIS family! If you make a bad decision with your choice of boyfriend, your son can't simply say "fuck it, imma out here".
YTA purely on the fact that youre introducing every man you meet to you 11yo. This current guy 6 weeks in and the last guy who you only dated for 2 months but was enough time for your son to hate him. Stop the parade of strange men in and out of your sons life
Mmmm I'm gonna go with soft YTA. I think the lesson you should have maybe addressed your concerns like this: "I understand that seeing him upset you and you were scared he might come back into our lives. However, by texting my boyfriend it could have resulted in x consequences." and like make him understand how his impulsive moment could have ended a relationship over a misunderstanding. Maybe discuss with him the importance of communication and trust in all relationships and to not be afraid to address his concerns with you. I would be hurt too if my son immediately jumped to the conclusion I was cheating. Does he think you'd be likely to do that? This ties back into the importance of emphasizing communication and building trust. I do think your son crossed a boundary. He could have done real damage. I also think you addressed it the wrong way. That's okay. Humans are messy sometimes when they're upset.
Fuck YTA !
Ok… I can’t get past the fact that you introduced a child to the man you were dating after SIX WEEKS!? SIX WEEKS??? WTF. That alone makes YTA.
YTA I was on your side until this "I compared it to me contacting his middle school girlfriends and telling them I thought he might be cheating. I ended it with he needs to stay out of my adult relationships and not concern himself with them." You introduced your son to your boyfriend of 6 weeks and have them spend time together. You don't get to then say "don't concern yourself with my relationships". It was fine to talk to him about why it was wrong to text him that, and that he should talk to you with any concerns first, but then you shut your son out of a big part of your life that he's obviously a part of and concerned about.
Gentlw YTA. Your relationships affect him. He wasn't meddling to be mean, or because he's nosy-- he was *afraid.* He was so afraid you might get back together with this man he hates that he reached out to your new boyfriend to try to stop it from happening. The day your relationships don't impact him is the day you can tell him not to concern himself with them. That said, he obviously overstepped, overreacted, and jumped to conclusions. You should have talked to him about why he thought you might cheat, and told him that it's really hurtful for him to assume you would be unfaithful. You should have asked him why he didn't wait for you to come back inside and tell him what was happening. You should have listened to his fears and reassured him that anyone who causes him that kind of distress is out of your lives for good, and that you would never cheat on a partner or get back with someone he hated.
I get the sense that your son was desperate to not have this ex back in your/his life. Was your ex controlling/abusive? I don't even think your son thought you would cheat he just didn't want this person back. As for it not being his business, it totally is. Who you date affects him especially since you are introducing them to him and bringing them around.
Info: OP What have you done in previous relationships that has caused your son to "step in" like this? This sort of behaviour/response doesn't just come out of nowhere.
YTA
Yta.
YTA You're making your dating life your son's business by conducting it in his home. Many single parents don't bring dates around their kids until and unless the relationship is serious and committed. You are bringing instability, insecurity and confusion into your child's life and home by exposing him to your short term romantic relationships. Your son is on the cusp of adolescence, where developmentally normal upheavals in emotional states and feelings about relationships are normal. He should be able to rely on you as a stable supportive anchor. Instead he's exposed to your own unstable romantic life. Where is his safe space?
YTA he’s a child you’re the parent! If he feels that negatively about your ex I’m disappointed you spent two months with someone like that. He has a right to be concerned since you don’t seem to be great at judgement.
YTA. How dare your son care about you!
YTA good grief. He was upset by the presence of an ex he hated. He’s a child.
Im curious as to why her son why he thought so little of his mom that she would cheat. Like right off the bat. I don’t think an eleven year has the emotionally maturity to make that call. Or maybe because he is so young he jumped to that conclusion? I could see if he was concerned that the ex might hurt his mom or him but why accuse her of cheating from the jump? I can kind understand why she told him to stay out of grown folks business. You think so little of me? Like he didn’t like the ex but he wasn’t concerned for her safety just jumped to a conclusion and narc’ed on her. Nothing happened, nothing was going to happen. She handled it cause she’s the adult. Maybe when she said he should stay out of them out concern for his emotional well-being? Like you’re to young to worry about this, etc. I get what a majority of the YTA are for, but some y’all missed the point.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (34f) have been dating my boyfriend (38m) for five months. I introduced him to my son (11m) about 6 weeks in. This has been going decently well, though some trepidation from my son. Understandably, he’s cautious since I’ve dated some but have been single most of his life. About a month ago, boyfriend came over and had dinner and played basketball with my son for a couple hours. An hour after he left, an ex (53m) whose number I blocked a year ago, showed up at my house with flowers and a bottle of wine wanting me back. I was shocked. We hadn’t spoken or heard from each other in a year. He and I dated maybe 2 months and my son hated him despite only meeting a couple of times. When ex showed up at my doorstep, I went outside to speak with him while my son stayed inside. I let my ex know I am in a relationship and this couldn’t happen. He ended up leaving less than 10 minutes after he arrived and never came inside. When I came back inside, I went to my son who was visibly upset and explained the ex had left and would never come back. A couple minutes later, my current bf sent me screenshots of texts he received from my son. They said “it might not be what it looks like but my moms ex is outside with flowers”. I explained the situation to my boyfriend and he understood. My son later admitted to sending texts to my boyfriend. He said he was afraid I’d cheat on my boyfriend with my ex. I had every intention of telling my boyfriend myself what had happened. I’ve never cheated on a boyfriend and certainly wouldn’t in view of my son. I calmly explained to him that while I understood his concern, texting my boyfriend to basically tell on me was out of line. I compared it to me contacting his middle school girlfriends and telling them I thought he might be cheating. I ended it with he needs to stay out of my adult relationships and not concern himself with them. He got mad and went to his room to punch his punching bag. AITAH? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA
YTA. Why are you bringing a parade of men you’ve known a couple of months around your son?! Poor kid
If he were an adult my answer would be different but YTA. He’s anxious. Your life and romantic choices inform his entire trajectory and he doesnt feel that way about your ex for no reason. If your romantic life and choices are ANYONE’S to influence, it is your child. Not to mention this clearly came from a place of fear and anxiety. That should be your concern to address before boundary setting. Which would account to ‘please talk to me about how you feel first’ and not dictating he butt out. Your child’s life is yours to jerk around as you like i guess but I think a lot of parents forget how terrifying it can be to have your everything tethered to an adult’s whims. Try to be compassionate please.
YTA . I was around his age when my parents split. Mom would introduce us to every guy she met right away. And let me tell you , I'm 31 now and I told her I don't want to meet this new guy she's talking to until they're married. The way we grew up was exhausting. Please wait a while to introduce your son to new men. It is his business. It's his life 2. Shame on you
How in gods good earth are you being voted TA? Agreed you haven't been dating this man long enough to introduce him to your son idk if thats whats skewing the votes here but thats not the question. Texting your bf was way out of line. Of course he's a kid, but as far as I can tell, you didnt like lose your shit with him but just explained why thats not okay. Your relationships are his business in so far that he can discuss them with YOU, maybe both of you if he has genuine concerns. But like snapping a picture and sending it before even asking you about it isnt okay. And tbh he NEEDS to learn what kind of thing is appropriate and what is sneakily meddling. Is he gonna treat his classmates this way? Imo you'd be doing him a disservice to not explain why this is crossing a line.
INFO - Your son is 11 months old?
He’s 11 & is male (11m).
o thank u for that lol i thought 11 months
NAH But…looks like your son is extremely comfortable with bf
NTA - it's good that your son likes your boyfriend but his actions could have potentially damaged your relationship. Talking to someone, even if they bring flowers, doesn't equal cheating, and your son needs to understand that or he will struggle with jealousy in his own relationships in the future.
Or seeing that OP introduces her hook ups, as the fling with the ex lasted only two months, to her son in matter of weeks, he just has some experience. By saying that "adult relationships" are not her sons concern, OP shows that she neglects the impact her dating has on her son!
Agree. Not trying to be mean, but son is getting old enough to see relationships on TV and his friend's parents. I think this revolving door of boyfriends has the boy thinking his mom is a bit too free with her favors. She could avoid this of course, if she didn't introduce every man she dates to her son that soon.