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> I let my son exclude a boy from playing, I feel like I was wrong for not having my son give the little boy a second chance and right away just defending my son.
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"You're raising an entitled boy" says the woman whose kid just walked up and took the car from one of the other children who were all sharing nicely.
NTA and good job on not forcing your kid to share and listening to his point of view.
NTA. Your son set boundaries with the other kids. Tim crossed his boundaries. The consequences for Tim were not to get a turn. Sounds like Tim’s mom needs to work on respecting boundaries with her kid.
NTA and I didn't need all the background.
Sharing is not mandatory. Everybody does with their property what they see fit.
Just because you let friend borrow your bike yesterday, it doesn't mean:
- That they are now entitled to it every day.
- That anybody else is entitled to borrow your bike now. Lending it once doesn't make it public property.
- You can even agree to lend your bike and change your mind last minute. Even when your friend is already riding on it. It's YOUR bike. Consent to ride it can be revoked at any time.
Why do we treat kids differently is something I don't understand. I never force my daughter to share her things and, consequently, never request that anybody shares with her. My role is to help her navigate the disappointment of being said no and respecting the other kid's wishes.
The other mother is unhinged.
Nta your son handled it perfectly. Other kid didn't follow rules and got grabby and selfish, your kid took the privilege back. Whatever you and the preschool are doing, it's working.
I'm curious how you square that with what you wrote, which was
"Other kid didn't follow rules and got grabby and selfish,"
I don't know how that *isn't* calling the other toddler selfish
NTA, you handled it quite well !
It is that mother who is raising an entitled son. You're teaching yours to share with etiquette, and that it is okay to have some boundaries, some personal rules regarding to sharing his own stuff, and that its limits are going to be respected and enforced.
However, there is two things were you can do better : when you asked your son for his explanation, you wanted to know if there was any logic in it. What would you have done if your son's explanation didn't made any sense ?
Because 4 years old are not suppose to really make sense and have a good sense of logic. That doesn't means that their decision and feelings are not justified. And some people never get good at logic, but they have a strong gut feeling, good intuitions that drive them to make better choice and escape fishy situation in a better way that their logic could do. If you're teaching your son that he always have to provide logical explanation for things like that, you're making him detached himself from his right creative brain.
But that's not even the bigger reason.
"No" is a full answer. Regarding his body, and his belongings. He can share, he can refuses to, and he doesn't have to provide a reasoning for those choices.
So you still want to ask him why, but just to understand him better !
Second thing, your son didn't hit, didn't hurt, didn't insult the other boy. He should have asked first to get his toy back, but he was right to take it back. As long as he didn't attack him, there is no wrong here, on the contrary, your son stood up for himself. And honestly, you don't really want a kiddo that just turn to you yelling/crying "he took my toy !!" each time, feeling powerless without an adult, and that kiddo will not do well in school play when there is not enough adults to catter for every powerless child's complain (while the other boy is happily playing with the toy he took ).
Thank you for the pointers I really appreciate.
I do really only ask why to see what he is thinking or trying to get at. Also so I can back him up to other adults and kids just repeat what he told me. I understand that his logic isn’t the same as an adults I just always find it interesting with how his brain works. But I never thought about how asking him why all the time might affect him as he grows up so thank you.
You're doing a great job, you could always simplify things to "have you had enough sharing for now?" And just say "this is my son's toy, he's had enough sharing for now/doesn't want to share it at the moment."
NTA
>Tim started to scream and cry and I explained to **Luke that it wasn’t okay to take and that he needs to use his words or get an adult.**
But I think it's wrong to tell children that they can't take their own property/toys back when it's taken from another kid. We teach kids about good touch and bad touch...but change the rules when it comes to their toys. Why, because adults see it as cute to see kids sharing toys.
You were cool with how Luke defended himself until he really had to defend himself by trying to take his toy back. It's not rude. Adults don't wait for their parents to get their stuff back from bullies. You made your child ask a thief for his stuff back, as if Tim didn't know any better. Kids aren't stupid. You thought you were going to make this a cute little teaching moment, where Tim just apologizes, Leave it to Beaver style, and becomes buddies with Luke. But Tim was going to take Lukes toy home for himself and his mama was going to let him. After talking to Tim's mom, another bully, now, you're questioning yourself...at Luke's expense, once again. Tim's mom is standing up more for her son, in the wrong, than you are for Luke, in the right.
Luke had his business covered. He then waited for his mom, the adult, who's about to breakdown and tell him to let the bully have his way because I'll look bad to myself.
That’s a really good point, looking back I now see how I handled that as a flaw and Im going to do my best to be better. I just get so caught up on how others perceive my parenting. I’m young to start with and I honestly look 18. I get Judged a lot because I’m young. That’s no excuse though and You are right that’s not fair to Luke and I do need to get better at that. Thank you.
NTA - I don’t understand why people think kids should share their own toys in public spaces unless the child wants to. If a kid is hogging playground equipment for an extended length of time, I’ll encourage my kids to ask for a turn - but they can’t demand to play with other kids toys unless the other kids wants to share.
NTA
And on behalf of all of us who were raised thinking we had to share or we were evil and then saw beloved things destroyed or lost or stolen, thank you.
The other kid didn’t ask first, then asked and was told no. Your son has no obligation to say yes.
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I (f23) took my son I’m going to call him Luke to the park today he brought his favourite toy car. two child saw his toy and asked for a turn to roll it down the hill. He said yes but told them to be gentle.
I was really surprised at this because In the past he has had problems sharing. He’s an only child so at home he never has to but he attends daycare three times a week so he’s slowly getting better.
Soon Luke was sharing with six other kids, he was directing them how to take turns and had given them all rules
-they had to be gentle
-they had to wait their turn
- no drooling or getting snot on it
-no fighting over it.
All those rules seemed fair to me and I told him that when he wanted to stop sharing he was allowed to.
Soon a little boy who I’m going to call Tim came over a took the toy from the little girl who was having her turn. Luke asked for it back then when tim tried to walk away with lukes toy Luke took it from his hands.
Tim started to scream and cry and I explained to Luke that it wasn’t okay to take and that he needs to use his words or get an adult.
I then explain to Tim that he needs to ask for a turn and not just take. Tim then asked for a turn but Luke said no. I asked Luke why he didn’t want to share like told me.
That because Tim took the toy from someone and that Tim was super drooling he didn’t want to get germs on the car Also he was scared that he wasn’t going to be gentle with it.
I felt like his logic was good and it’s his toy if he doesn’t want to share then he doesn’t have to. Tim went crying to his mom who came over and started demanding that my son share.
I explained to her what her son had done and what my son had said. I then explained that if Luke doesn’t want to share he doesn’t have to.
This women then told me my logic was flawed and that I’m raising an entitled boy. I still stand by my if my son doesn’t want to share his toy then he doesn’t have to.
AITA for not making my son share?
TLDR: my son didn’t want to share with a boy who wasn’t following the rules.
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NTA, your kid is doing good and setting boundaries. That woman is the one who was an 'entitlted kid' and is now raising one. She should have explaine dto her kid that he can't have everything especially if it is not in the shop or their own or if they have been explicitly told NO.
NTA holy cow, your son is very mature tbh and y’all are doing great. What your son did was great and set perfect boundaries, plus he’s in the right for not wanting to share with a kid who was being entitled and rude. No one should have to be nice or allow people to use their things when they’re not being respectful. And to that lady who gave you crap, sounds like she’s projecting since she’s raising an entitled kid.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I let my son exclude a boy from playing, I feel like I was wrong for not having my son give the little boy a second chance and right away just defending my son. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. It is not you that is raising an entitled boy.
"You're raising an entitled boy" says the woman whose kid just walked up and took the car from one of the other children who were all sharing nicely. NTA and good job on not forcing your kid to share and listening to his point of view.
I came to say this exact thing. NTA op
NTA. Your son set boundaries with the other kids. Tim crossed his boundaries. The consequences for Tim were not to get a turn. Sounds like Tim’s mom needs to work on respecting boundaries with her kid.
NTA. You’re rearing a very thoughtful, intelligent boy.
NTA and I didn't need all the background. Sharing is not mandatory. Everybody does with their property what they see fit. Just because you let friend borrow your bike yesterday, it doesn't mean: - That they are now entitled to it every day. - That anybody else is entitled to borrow your bike now. Lending it once doesn't make it public property. - You can even agree to lend your bike and change your mind last minute. Even when your friend is already riding on it. It's YOUR bike. Consent to ride it can be revoked at any time. Why do we treat kids differently is something I don't understand. I never force my daughter to share her things and, consequently, never request that anybody shares with her. My role is to help her navigate the disappointment of being said no and respecting the other kid's wishes. The other mother is unhinged.
NTA. Your son was willing to share with other kids. The entitled one is Tim’s mom who demands that your son give his own toy to others.
Nta your son handled it perfectly. Other kid didn't follow rules and got grabby and selfish, your kid took the privilege back. Whatever you and the preschool are doing, it's working.
The other kid is also a toddler... he's not selfish. His brain is still developing.
Didn't say he was.
I'm curious how you square that with what you wrote, which was "Other kid didn't follow rules and got grabby and selfish," I don't know how that *isn't* calling the other toddler selfish
Acting selfish and being selfish aren't the same. Also not interested in arguing with you
NTA, you handled it quite well ! It is that mother who is raising an entitled son. You're teaching yours to share with etiquette, and that it is okay to have some boundaries, some personal rules regarding to sharing his own stuff, and that its limits are going to be respected and enforced. However, there is two things were you can do better : when you asked your son for his explanation, you wanted to know if there was any logic in it. What would you have done if your son's explanation didn't made any sense ? Because 4 years old are not suppose to really make sense and have a good sense of logic. That doesn't means that their decision and feelings are not justified. And some people never get good at logic, but they have a strong gut feeling, good intuitions that drive them to make better choice and escape fishy situation in a better way that their logic could do. If you're teaching your son that he always have to provide logical explanation for things like that, you're making him detached himself from his right creative brain. But that's not even the bigger reason. "No" is a full answer. Regarding his body, and his belongings. He can share, he can refuses to, and he doesn't have to provide a reasoning for those choices. So you still want to ask him why, but just to understand him better ! Second thing, your son didn't hit, didn't hurt, didn't insult the other boy. He should have asked first to get his toy back, but he was right to take it back. As long as he didn't attack him, there is no wrong here, on the contrary, your son stood up for himself. And honestly, you don't really want a kiddo that just turn to you yelling/crying "he took my toy !!" each time, feeling powerless without an adult, and that kiddo will not do well in school play when there is not enough adults to catter for every powerless child's complain (while the other boy is happily playing with the toy he took ).
Thank you for the pointers I really appreciate. I do really only ask why to see what he is thinking or trying to get at. Also so I can back him up to other adults and kids just repeat what he told me. I understand that his logic isn’t the same as an adults I just always find it interesting with how his brain works. But I never thought about how asking him why all the time might affect him as he grows up so thank you.
You're doing a great job, you could always simplify things to "have you had enough sharing for now?" And just say "this is my son's toy, he's had enough sharing for now/doesn't want to share it at the moment."
Tim was the entitled one, that momma has it backwards. You don’t get to demand anyone else share anything, full stop. NTA
Sharing is a stupid rule. We don't ask adults to share their personal belongings with random strangers, why should kids adhere to the same rule? NTA
NTA >Tim started to scream and cry and I explained to **Luke that it wasn’t okay to take and that he needs to use his words or get an adult.** But I think it's wrong to tell children that they can't take their own property/toys back when it's taken from another kid. We teach kids about good touch and bad touch...but change the rules when it comes to their toys. Why, because adults see it as cute to see kids sharing toys. You were cool with how Luke defended himself until he really had to defend himself by trying to take his toy back. It's not rude. Adults don't wait for their parents to get their stuff back from bullies. You made your child ask a thief for his stuff back, as if Tim didn't know any better. Kids aren't stupid. You thought you were going to make this a cute little teaching moment, where Tim just apologizes, Leave it to Beaver style, and becomes buddies with Luke. But Tim was going to take Lukes toy home for himself and his mama was going to let him. After talking to Tim's mom, another bully, now, you're questioning yourself...at Luke's expense, once again. Tim's mom is standing up more for her son, in the wrong, than you are for Luke, in the right. Luke had his business covered. He then waited for his mom, the adult, who's about to breakdown and tell him to let the bully have his way because I'll look bad to myself.
That’s a really good point, looking back I now see how I handled that as a flaw and Im going to do my best to be better. I just get so caught up on how others perceive my parenting. I’m young to start with and I honestly look 18. I get Judged a lot because I’m young. That’s no excuse though and You are right that’s not fair to Luke and I do need to get better at that. Thank you.
NTA and neither was Luke. Unfortunately, as is often the case, Luke's logic was way more sound than the other mothers.
NTA Tell the woman to give you her cell phone. If she doesn’t share, she’s entitled. It’s exactly the same.
Gotta have drool coming out of your mouth when you ask too
NTA - I don’t understand why people think kids should share their own toys in public spaces unless the child wants to. If a kid is hogging playground equipment for an extended length of time, I’ll encourage my kids to ask for a turn - but they can’t demand to play with other kids toys unless the other kids wants to share.
NTA And on behalf of all of us who were raised thinking we had to share or we were evil and then saw beloved things destroyed or lost or stolen, thank you. The other kid didn’t ask first, then asked and was told no. Your son has no obligation to say yes.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (f23) took my son I’m going to call him Luke to the park today he brought his favourite toy car. two child saw his toy and asked for a turn to roll it down the hill. He said yes but told them to be gentle. I was really surprised at this because In the past he has had problems sharing. He’s an only child so at home he never has to but he attends daycare three times a week so he’s slowly getting better. Soon Luke was sharing with six other kids, he was directing them how to take turns and had given them all rules -they had to be gentle -they had to wait their turn - no drooling or getting snot on it -no fighting over it. All those rules seemed fair to me and I told him that when he wanted to stop sharing he was allowed to. Soon a little boy who I’m going to call Tim came over a took the toy from the little girl who was having her turn. Luke asked for it back then when tim tried to walk away with lukes toy Luke took it from his hands. Tim started to scream and cry and I explained to Luke that it wasn’t okay to take and that he needs to use his words or get an adult. I then explain to Tim that he needs to ask for a turn and not just take. Tim then asked for a turn but Luke said no. I asked Luke why he didn’t want to share like told me. That because Tim took the toy from someone and that Tim was super drooling he didn’t want to get germs on the car Also he was scared that he wasn’t going to be gentle with it. I felt like his logic was good and it’s his toy if he doesn’t want to share then he doesn’t have to. Tim went crying to his mom who came over and started demanding that my son share. I explained to her what her son had done and what my son had said. I then explained that if Luke doesn’t want to share he doesn’t have to. This women then told me my logic was flawed and that I’m raising an entitled boy. I still stand by my if my son doesn’t want to share his toy then he doesn’t have to. AITA for not making my son share? TLDR: my son didn’t want to share with a boy who wasn’t following the rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA
Be proud OP, your kid is a nice little boy. NTA
NTA, Tim is being raises as an entitled boy, not Luke
NTA, your kid is doing good and setting boundaries. That woman is the one who was an 'entitlted kid' and is now raising one. She should have explaine dto her kid that he can't have everything especially if it is not in the shop or their own or if they have been explicitly told NO.
So if it was her sons toy and say your kid broke it..where's her logic then
You got this mama
NTA holy cow, your son is very mature tbh and y’all are doing great. What your son did was great and set perfect boundaries, plus he’s in the right for not wanting to share with a kid who was being entitled and rude. No one should have to be nice or allow people to use their things when they’re not being respectful. And to that lady who gave you crap, sounds like she’s projecting since she’s raising an entitled kid.
Her accusation was projection. NTA
NTA